#Peter Parker crack

[bitchyycapricorn]

Well. Look at that. Anyways, I wrote this last night while I was drunk.

Peter looks at you from across the room, disgusted by ur gayness.

“Ew. How could u be gay. That’s so gross and totally wrong.” He says.

You look at him like he’s the numbest bitch in the planet. “Peter. Ur literally so stupid. Even frogs r gay.” You counter, still being gay as ever.

Peter narrows his eyes at you, “yeah well those frogs are going to like hell.”

YOu let out a loud laugh and simply counting r to stare at him. “You wanna get fucked by a gay grl.” You tease, beckoning him to come to the bathroom with you.

Peter’s eyes go very wide, but he is intrigued. Even if ur very very gay. So he stands up and goes to the bathroom with you.

You look him in the eyes and smile again. “So what u ganna do for me baby girl?” He asks, a big ass smirk when j his face.

“I’m ganna fuck u until you can’t walk” u say, pulling down his pants.

“Oh god please” peter moans, grabbing your hips and pulling you close. “I want u to tick me so hard please” he begs. Kissing your very soft juicy lips.

You let out a moan, kissing him back very passionately. “Mmm Parker” you grunt, despite not even liking men.

You finish stripping him from all his cloths, then you take off your own. “Wow Peter ur so sexy. I can’t wait to fuck your fat cock”

You push him onto the sink and slowly begin to sink onto his big ginormous fat cock. It feels so good inside you which makes you leg out a loud moan. You grip his hair tight, tugging his brow curls. “Mmmm sexy.”

You groan.

His hands grip ur hips ahead he leads ur hips up and down on his big man

Ohhhhhhh” he cries, kissing ur neck sloppily. “Gosh ur so hot baby” he cries, feeling u on his cock.

You let out another moan before hopping off his big dick, flipping him around, and bumming in his big juicy asshole.

Peter cute too, squirting all over the sink. “Ohhhh shit that felt so good” he moans.

+++

Peter found out he was probate about three months later. He couldn’t. Be more scared of having a gay bitches baby. How could he possibly have the bay of a gay Bo. Like what. Anyways, he was so very pregnant and Tony was so upset because his son is so young and so very pregnant.

But Steve thinks that it’s a miracle from the gays that he’s pregnant with your gay baby.

So Peter is told he has to has it because it’s a gay blessing from a hot sexy woman who got him prhegnage

So he keeps being very very primate u Gil it’s time to deliver. And he had the hunky ads baby and feels so proud cause he’s a mommy now.

But ur a mommy too.

Peter reali3/ he’s so gay because he’s a mommy a fan yoruens a mommy so you’re hay.

Peter is ashamed of his gay self and decides to tie. The baby to bucket because his one hand will be a better mummy them him.

The end.

+++

I’m so so so sorry. Also, if you commented on the OG 🤨 I tagged you

Taglist

@saltistic-dumbassss @t-hollanderrerr @crumpets-are-better-with-jam @clairebearfr @superficial-saturnrings @innieblogg @thetallscorpiobee @spider-biter

[hotchilipeppers]

[awhoreintheory]

Dick: Peter, this is Jason, my baby brother. Jason, this is Peter, my—

Peter, immediately gaping and going starry eyed: Oh my god, Jensen Ackles???

Jason, raising an eyebrow: uhh... no, kid, he just said my name. It's Jason.

Peter, dread pooling in his stomach: hold that thought.

Peter taking Dick's phone and looking something up. He's very clearly distraught.

Peter: NOOOO! You took Supernatural from this world! You deprived so many young, mentally ill teenagers of Dean Winchester! Jason, what about the gifs? The endless amount of gifs for any situation? You're a monster. Don't talk to me.

Jason: what the fuck.

[pandadrake]

Spider-Society and The Day of Lots of Involuntary Trips to Earth-19999. (Finally finished this, god damn.)

I hadn’t seen any takes on what Spider-Society was like during Spider-man: No Way Home (2021), so I thought about it too hard.

I.e. I pulled up a clip of No Way Home to see what the Peter-abduction spell would look like from Miguel’s POV, then realized he'd have no idea what he's looking at and would probably mistake it for something else.

[not-me-underc0ver]

Peter: If I was a nurse, I don't think I could work psych.

Tony: Well, nursing has a lot of-

Peter: It'd make me a hypocrite. Like, sorry, bud, you have to be here. Meanwhile I go home knowing I hear voices, too.

Tony:

Peter: You know what I mean?

[niyana-the-ambiguous-mobian]

"Wake up, father. I sense a disturbance in the backyard."

But seriously, this little snugbug is what, almost a year old, and she has the early spider-sense awareness down already? She is going to be quite the hero once she gets older, like in the comics.

[aurumacadicus]

A concept:

Tony has mostly learned not to ask too many questions when he's around teenagers. He doesn't understand most things, and quite frankly, it's just easier to claim ignorance than confusion at this point. (Peter has explained "skibidi" to him three times now and he still doesn't get it.) He just tries to provide a safe place for him and his friends. Sometimes that means he's bewildered, but it's better that way. He figures it's just a rite of passage. He still remembers how flabbergasted Jarvis looked when he described something as 'tubular.'

He's just grateful that there weren't so many cameras when he was a kid. It seems like they're everywhere, and there are so many video trends it makes him tired. Luckily, Peter and his friends seem to at least be aware that the internet is forever, so they're not doing stupid shit like doing drugs or throwing slurs around. Mostly they just post pranks. Most recently, he's pretty sure MJ and Ned duct-taped Peter to a door so he'd startle anyone who opened it. Which seems. Harmless? Whatever.

But his practiced chill all seems to backfire when he walks in on them in his kitchen "because the lighting's better here than in a conference room" with pictures taped to sticks being stuck in cake. "What is this?" he asks tiredly, because he knows it's too late to pretend he didn't see them.

"It's a hear-me-out cake, Mr. Stark," MJ answers in that way of hers that is somehow both flat and mischievous.

Tony blinks at her slowly, trying to figure out what reaction would please her least, then gives up. "Why are you doing it in my house."

"Because I don't want Aunt May to see I've put Doc Hudson from Cars on a hear-me-out cake," Peter answers.

Tony squints at the pictures already on the cake. "You've got a lot of nerve to put a picture of Timothee Chalamet on a cake and say 'hear me out' about it," he finally says.

"It's specifically Timothee Chalamet in Wonka," Ned defends immediately.

"And Doc Hudson is just a good-looking classic car, it's not weird," Tony continues, ignoring him. "I have a Hudson Hornet. I'll take you kids out for a ride when the weather gets better."

MJ holds up one of her pictures while Ned and Peter gape at him wordlessly. "I have Lady Tremaine from Cinderella."

Tony leans closer, putting his hands on his hips and huffing in offense. "You chose a picture of Cate Blanchett instead of the original cartoon. You guys. You can't say 'hear me out' about conventionally attractive people, no matter how mean they are in their roles."

"Oh yeah?" Peter asks defensively. "Then who's your hear-me-out, Mr. Stark?"

"Hexxus from Ferngully," Tony retorts, and then, "At least bring me a piece of cake when you're done." Then he grabs his coffee and heads back for the workshop.

He only realizes what a mistake that might have been when JARVIS tells him that his Twitter is blowing up but he only really understands when he sees that Tim Curry himself has responded to the video Peter posted of him with "The highest of compliments, surely."

"Pepper is going to be so mad at me," Tony breathes when he sees people are already drawing fan art of it.

[anonymousqualities]

Miles, high off pain meds while in Med-bay from a recent mission:

Pavitr, recording on his phone: "Hey, Miles! 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' Me, Gwen & Hobie-GO!

Miles, not missing a beat: Fuck Hobie, marry Hobie, Kill miguel.

Miguel:

Miguel: (sighs tiredly as Peter B's laughter echoes from down the hall)

[hero-i-am-not]

Nat, to Peter: Aunt Nat will murder anyone who hurts you

Loki, popping up from behind: And Uncle Loki will cover for her <3

Peter: aww thanks guys!!

Tony: And Dad will buy you Ben & Jerry's

Peter: what flavor?

Tony: flavor?

Peter: Dad?

Tony: ...

Tony: Here are the keys to the Ben & Jerry's factories

Peter: Dad!

Tony: Gotta go, love you kiddo!

Peter: Love you too :D

...

Peter, at the factory: Can I get a strawberry ice cream in a kiddie cup? please?

[tomriddleslovergirl]

Marvel characters x oblivious!reader

Steve Rogers:

Steve and you had been getting to know each other for the past few months and were becoming good friends. Although, Steve had begun to get feelings for you that were not so friendly. He wanted more out of your guys' relationship.

He'd never been good with flirting, but decided to at least try in doing so incase he scared you off or made you uncomfortable by being too upfront.

So, while on a walk with you one winter day, Steve decided to make his move.

"Y'know, Buck once told me pretty girls always have cold hands." The cold didn't bother Steve because he was a Super-Soldier, but he assumed that it would cause some discomfort for a normal human.

You look down at your hands.

"Huh. Mine are always warm." But either way, you shoved your hands in your jacket pocket, not noticing that Steve had put out his hand for you to hold.

Peter Parker

Peter and you had been going out for a little while now, and every time he'd try to flirt with you, you'd be oblivious. So after building up some confidence (with the help of Ned), he asked you. "Can I have a kiss?"

You look at Peter in shock, wondering how he knew you had a bag of kiss in your bag. You rummage through it and hand him one.

"Here," You say, handing the small chocolate to him.

Ned held in a laugh.

"Th-thanks?" Peter said, his voice cracking with confusion and embarrassment at being rejected - even if it was done obliviously by you.

Wanda Maximoff

Wanda had tried flirting with you before and you would never quite get the hint. She had assumed there was something wrong with the way she tried to make romantic advances with you and went to the Natasha to get some pointers.

Later on, Wanda decided to use some of Nat's tips.

Wanda asked you if you wanted to bake cookies with her and invited you into the Avengers Tower kitchen.

While you both were baking and talking, Wanda would try to make her laughs sound breathy when you made a joke or would compliment you from time to time.

When she noticed you were having trouble icing one of the cookies, she stood behind you, and gently wrapped one of her hands around your hand that was holding the piping bag while you held onto the cookie.

"Here," she whispered, her hot breath hitting your ear as she helped you ice your cookie.

After Wanda was done, she placed the icing bag on the counter and looked at you, trying to see if her flirting had done the trick. But you don't notice anything out of the ordinary.

"Thanks, Wanda," you say, thinking she was just trying to be helpful.

You went to grab another cookie to ice, when she suddenly grabbed your chin. "You have something on your face," she says.

You look up at her in surprise as she swipes her thumb against your cheek. She brings her thumb to her mouth before licking the icing off.

You look up at Wanda, your brows furrowed. "That's disgusting, Wanda."

[sweeneydino]

Punknoir.

[crybabycunt]

Yelena: (yawns)

Kate: Yeah, being that pretty must be tiring.

Yelena: Then you must be exhausted.

Peter: Will you two shut up? Some of us are lonely.

[awhoreintheory]

Peter, using his A+ deduction skills: there's more bats than birds, right? I've been seeing a lot of theories that batman lives in a bat cave, like a bat duh, but i think he has more self-respect than that. So it makes logical sense that wherever their hideout is, it's called a Nest, and in this essay today I will—

Bernard: You're my new favorite person

Jason: Nay on the self respect, but yes to the nest.

Tim: Don't fuel him, his mind is a web of conspiracies

Dick: This is the Correct Opinion, Timmy

Damian, supremely annoyed his can't correct Peter: >:(

[raileurta]

Miguel has a gen z style sense of humor and is low-key freaking everyone out.

--------------------------------------------------

Miguel watching a potato chip spinning: *hysterically laughing*

Miles: He's been watching that for 20 minutes now.

Gwen: Should we call a doctor????

Hobie: I think mate has finally lost it.

--------------------------------------------------

*arguing about whether you should put milk or cereal first*

Gwen: IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL TO PUT MILK FIRST IN MY UNIVERSE!!

Miles: WELL YOUR UNIVERSE IS WRONG!

Miguel: I use bleach. *Deadpan*

Walks away casually.

Gwen: ......

Miles: ......

--------------------------------------------------

Miguel: Peter did you get me one of those turkey sandwiches from the cafeteria?

Peter: They were fresh out, sorry big guy.

Miguel: *sigh* This is my thirteen reason.

Peter: Your what?

Miguel: Lyla open window "do a flip" I'm killing myself.

Peter: WAIT MIG-!!!

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[not-me-underc0ver]

(something in my docs i found and have no recollection of writing)

Peter having to have surgery and waking up to see the Avengers (or at least some) in his room (maybe tony and steve) and freaking the fuck out.

"Peter-"

"OH MY GOD!" peter jerked in the bed trying to find the doctor 

Tony rushed to him. "It's okay, you're okay-"

"DO I HAVE CANCER?!" Peter pointed Tony and the till suited-up Steve. "THE AVENGERS ARE HERE!"

Tony asks how those are related and Peter explains that the Avengers only visit the sick and dying kids. 

[novakiart]

too much "what if norman osborn filled some complicated pseudo father figure role for peter" and never enough "what if that but dr. connors"