#Peter Parker crack

[bitchyycapricorn]

Well. Look at that. Anyways, I wrote this last night while I was drunk.

Peter looks at you from across the room, disgusted by ur gayness.

“Ew. How could u be gay. That’s so gross and totally wrong.” He says.

You look at him like he’s the numbest bitch in the planet. “Peter. Ur literally so stupid. Even frogs r gay.” You counter, still being gay as ever.

Peter narrows his eyes at you, “yeah well those frogs are going to like hell.”

YOu let out a loud laugh and simply counting r to stare at him. “You wanna get fucked by a gay grl.” You tease, beckoning him to come to the bathroom with you.

Peter’s eyes go very wide, but he is intrigued. Even if ur very very gay. So he stands up and goes to the bathroom with you.

You look him in the eyes and smile again. “So what u ganna do for me baby girl?” He asks, a big ass smirk when j his face.

“I’m ganna fuck u until you can’t walk” u say, pulling down his pants.

“Oh god please” peter moans, grabbing your hips and pulling you close. “I want u to tick me so hard please” he begs. Kissing your very soft juicy lips.

You let out a moan, kissing him back very passionately. “Mmm Parker” you grunt, despite not even liking men.

You finish stripping him from all his cloths, then you take off your own. “Wow Peter ur so sexy. I can’t wait to fuck your fat cock”

You push him onto the sink and slowly begin to sink onto his big ginormous fat cock. It feels so good inside you which makes you leg out a loud moan. You grip his hair tight, tugging his brow curls. “Mmmm sexy.”

You groan.

His hands grip ur hips ahead he leads ur hips up and down on his big man

Ohhhhhhh” he cries, kissing ur neck sloppily. “Gosh ur so hot baby” he cries, feeling u on his cock.

You let out another moan before hopping off his big dick, flipping him around, and bumming in his big juicy asshole.

Peter cute too, squirting all over the sink. “Ohhhh shit that felt so good” he moans.

+++

Peter found out he was probate about three months later. He couldn’t. Be more scared of having a gay bitches baby. How could he possibly have the bay of a gay Bo. Like what. Anyways, he was so very pregnant and Tony was so upset because his son is so young and so very pregnant.

But Steve thinks that it’s a miracle from the gays that he’s pregnant with your gay baby.

So Peter is told he has to has it because it’s a gay blessing from a hot sexy woman who got him prhegnage

So he keeps being very very primate u Gil it’s time to deliver. And he had the hunky ads baby and feels so proud cause he’s a mommy now.

But ur a mommy too.

Peter reali3/ he’s so gay because he’s a mommy a fan yoruens a mommy so you’re hay.

Peter is ashamed of his gay self and decides to tie. The baby to bucket because his one hand will be a better mummy them him.

The end.

+++

I’m so so so sorry. Also, if you commented on the OG 🤨 I tagged you

Taglist

@saltistic-dumbassss @t-hollanderrerr @crumpets-are-better-with-jam @clairebearfr @superficial-saturnrings @innieblogg @thetallscorpiobee @spider-biter

[hotchilipeppers]

[buckystrutssogood]

Tony: *walks into the room, infuriated*

Bucky: what

Tony: what did you do to my security system?!

Bucky: I changed it *sips his coffee*

Tony: *sighs at his nonchalance* How…did you do it?

Bucky: you want like a thesis or…?

Tony: *rolls eyes* I meant, why did you know how to do this?? We spent 2 hours teaching Steve how to change his phones ringtone

Steve: hey! It kept reverting to the default one *embarrassed*

Bucky: *snorts* that’s cuz it’s Steve, he hates technology, if it was up to him we would be writing our reports in hand with a quilled pen

Bucky: Also, I had to learn through my missions because failure was never excused

Tony: um

Bucky: they put me in cryo once for failing a mission that involved hacking into a security system so then the next time I had to make sure I knew what I was doing

Steve: *worried*

Tony: um ye-yeah that makes sense

Bucky: also you had cameras in our room, not cool

Bucky: *gets up from the table, about to leave the room* also I changed that weeks ago, and now the cameras are only active in your suite, so do with that what you will

Bucky: *starts to walk away * also, delete our footage unless you want yours to be public property

Tony: *blinks*

Tony: *hurrying after him* it was for security purposes!! Don’t walk away from me what footage do you have?! BUCKY!!

Peter: oh my god he is so scary

Clint: he is amazing

Steve: *proud*

[awhoreintheory]

Dick: Peter, this is Jason, my baby brother. Jason, this is Peter, my—

Peter, immediately gaping and going starry eyed: Oh my god, Jensen Ackles???

Jason, raising an eyebrow: uhh... no, kid, he just said my name. It's Jason.

Peter, dread pooling in his stomach: hold that thought.

Peter taking Dick's phone and looking something up. He's very clearly distraught.

Peter: NOOOO! You took Supernatural from this world! You deprived so many young, mentally ill teenagers of Dean Winchester! Jason, what about the gifs? The endless amount of gifs for any situation? You're a monster. Don't talk to me.

Jason: what the fuck.

[astermagnolia]

DP x DC x Spiderman

THIS CAME TO ME IN A VISION WHILE I WAS MINDLESSLY WORKING AT MY JOB

Ok, recently I've been into the "Spiderman gets transported into Gotham" fics and suddenly I thought "Danny and Peter stuck in the same body while trying to survive Gotham"

(if you want to write this go ahead)

OK STICK WITH ME

Peter gets transported to Gotham after Dr. Strange does his spell but it (the spell not strange) takes things further and transports him to a new dimension with no Peter Parker. He ends up climbing out of a Lazarus pit, his body in absolute pain.

At the same time, Danny is fleeing his home dimension because *whatever you decide* and ends up flying into a portal and overshadowing a person that's, for some reason, in the portal (Lazarus pits are portals to the infinite realms). Because of the weird fuckery that is ectoplasm, Dannys ghost status, and the Lazarus pits, Danny and Peter end up sharing a body but neither realize it yet.

Peter passed out instantly while Danny is kinda out of it (and driving the body he thinks is his) and ends up wandering Gotham, finds some clothes, and finds an abandoned building to sleep in.

Peter wakes up thinking he did all this while on adrenaline and just shrugs it off. He wanders Gotham and then goes back to the building he woke up in, that's when Danny wakes thinking he overshadowed someone and freaks Peter out as well.

Both pass out in shock.

Danny was the one to wake up the next time they woke up and tries to go ghost but can't (something changes though). He tries his other abilities and those work. He goes to find his reflection and his face is different but has his familiar black hair and blue eyes. Peter wakes up and speaks to Danny on his head and now both freaking out again. They calm down and talk about what happened.

Peter says that's his face and body but with black hair and blue eyes. They try to switch which causes dizziness but Peter is in control now with brown hair and hazel-green eyes.

Basically: when Peter is in control of the body he looks like himself. When Danny is in control, the body has black hair and blue eyes. When Danny 'goes ghost' while in control then he gets his white hair and green eyes, but the body doesn't change.

I'd like to think they have to learn each other's abilities now. danny has to learn how to not stick to things (plus he gets to try how gravity actually affects him now) and how to deal with the spider sense.

Peter has to learn basically pages worth of abilities😭. He has to learn not to go through things, turn invisible, start floating, etc. Peter can't go ghost and when Danny passes out when he is in ghost mode, it just turns off but maybe during extremely stressful situations or life and death moments, Peter can go ghost, it doesn't last very long though.

Time for some silly shenanigans:

Danny runs into Jason for whatever, maybe he was robbing him (even funnier answer, Danny was stealing Jason's bike wheels) and Jason gets him food. Next time, Peter runs into Jason and Dick while Peter was dumpster diving for, idk, tech parts. Dick and Peter are talking while Jason is staring at Peter. Internally, Peter is freaking while Danny isn't helping.

Then Jason asks if he has a twin.

Danny is losing it, just laughing as Peter has to deal with this. But Peter-blurt out the first thing in your mind-Parker says "yes, we got separated and I'm looking for him while I'm staying at my uncle's apartment".

So now Peter has to come with a whole backstory and reason why they're separated and why he won't go to the police. ("Acab bitch" Danny says and Peter repeats without question. Jason this time loses it while dick pouts and peter is horrified by what he said)

Peter and Danny making up fake identities, families, and backstory.

i think it would really be funny if Danny is the ghost prince (waiting to be crowned after his death) so the Infinite realms are up in arms about their beloved prince being missing and his last known signature/location is the dc universe. so now JLD is scrambling to find him and all the while he is just chilling in someone's head.

some fun/interesting arguments: the way they view death. peter is a very "do not kill" guy, basically his ideals align with batman (maybe. I'm not extremely knowledgeable in spiderman lore) and Danny-being a ghost/the ghost king-has different views. i think he's still a "try to save everyone" type of guy but has exceptions.

maybe they share dreams which leads to horrifying nightmares.

another fun thing: they're both inventors so they can look at a microwave and just break it apart to build something new.

another point: Danny's weirdness as a ghost

Peter: did you just stick something in our body??? i cant feel it??

Danny: oh yeah. i do that sometimes. im pretty sure i stuck our phone in out chest.

Peter: Get it out?!??

anyways, this is all i got. yall can take this and run with it. add onto it or remove something. this is brought to you by- peter gets flung into Gotham and that one fic where Danny and young Jason kind of merge so Jason is Danny's ghost half

Edit: i made a post about it

[not-me-underc0ver]

Peter: If I was a nurse, I don't think I could work psych.

Tony: Well, nursing has a lot of-

Peter: It'd make me a hypocrite. Like, sorry, bud, you have to be here. Meanwhile I go home knowing I hear voices, too.

Tony:

Peter: You know what I mean?

[niyana-the-ambiguous-mobian]

"Wake up, father. I sense a disturbance in the backyard."

But seriously, this little snugbug is what, almost a year old, and she has the early spider-sense awareness down already? She is going to be quite the hero once she gets older, like in the comics.

[squilfmybeloved]

during the battle in germany, at the airport, peter runs into captain america. oh my god, it's captain america is all that's going through his head right now.

and then peter starts thinking about the psa videos.

while they're fighting, all he can think about are those god damn psa videos. peter knows he's getting distracted- maybe that's why he suddenly finds himself holding up a landing ramp, and captain america is about to throw a crate at him, and tony is about to tackle cap, and-

and all that comes out of peter's stupid mouth is, "so. you've got detention."

everything just. stops. steve freezes and unceremoniously drops the crate, the thud the only source of noise. his face looks like a cherry tomato. tony says, "what the fuck, roos? where did that, out of all things, come from?"

peter, traitor that he is, points at steve and hoarsely whispers, "his school psas."

nat's wheezing laughs are all that is heard over the comms.

next thing peter knows, the shield is coming at him, he's pathetically flying through the air, hitting the ground, and out like a light.

when the rogues come back to the compound, peter and steve can't look at eachother for a week.

[aurumacadicus]

A concept:

Tony has mostly learned not to ask too many questions when he's around teenagers. He doesn't understand most things, and quite frankly, it's just easier to claim ignorance than confusion at this point. (Peter has explained "skibidi" to him three times now and he still doesn't get it.) He just tries to provide a safe place for him and his friends. Sometimes that means he's bewildered, but it's better that way. He figures it's just a rite of passage. He still remembers how flabbergasted Jarvis looked when he described something as 'tubular.'

He's just grateful that there weren't so many cameras when he was a kid. It seems like they're everywhere, and there are so many video trends it makes him tired. Luckily, Peter and his friends seem to at least be aware that the internet is forever, so they're not doing stupid shit like doing drugs or throwing slurs around. Mostly they just post pranks. Most recently, he's pretty sure MJ and Ned duct-taped Peter to a door so he'd startle anyone who opened it. Which seems. Harmless? Whatever.

But his practiced chill all seems to backfire when he walks in on them in his kitchen "because the lighting's better here than in a conference room" with pictures taped to sticks being stuck in cake. "What is this?" he asks tiredly, because he knows it's too late to pretend he didn't see them.

"It's a hear-me-out cake, Mr. Stark," MJ answers in that way of hers that is somehow both flat and mischievous.

Tony blinks at her slowly, trying to figure out what reaction would please her least, then gives up. "Why are you doing it in my house."

"Because I don't want Aunt May to see I've put Doc Hudson from Cars on a hear-me-out cake," Peter answers.

Tony squints at the pictures already on the cake. "You've got a lot of nerve to put a picture of Timothee Chalamet on a cake and say 'hear me out' about it," he finally says.

"It's specifically Timothee Chalamet in Wonka," Ned defends immediately.

"And Doc Hudson is just a good-looking classic car, it's not weird," Tony continues, ignoring him. "I have a Hudson Hornet. I'll take you kids out for a ride when the weather gets better."

MJ holds up one of her pictures while Ned and Peter gape at him wordlessly. "I have Lady Tremaine from Cinderella."

Tony leans closer, putting his hands on his hips and huffing in offense. "You chose a picture of Cate Blanchett instead of the original cartoon. You guys. You can't say 'hear me out' about conventionally attractive people, no matter how mean they are in their roles."

"Oh yeah?" Peter asks defensively. "Then who's your hear-me-out, Mr. Stark?"

"Hexxus from Ferngully," Tony retorts, and then, "At least bring me a piece of cake when you're done." Then he grabs his coffee and heads back for the workshop.

He only realizes what a mistake that might have been when JARVIS tells him that his Twitter is blowing up but he only really understands when he sees that Tim Curry himself has responded to the video Peter posted of him with "The highest of compliments, surely."

"Pepper is going to be so mad at me," Tony breathes when he sees people are already drawing fan art of it.

[anonymousqualities]

Miles, high off pain meds while in Med-bay from a recent mission:

Pavitr, recording on his phone: "Hey, Miles! 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' Me, Gwen & Hobie-GO!

Miles, not missing a beat: Fuck Hobie, marry Hobie, Kill miguel.

Miguel:

Miguel: (sighs tiredly as Peter B's laughter echoes from down the hall)

[hero-i-am-not]

Nat, to Peter: Aunt Nat will murder anyone who hurts you

Loki, popping up from behind: And Uncle Loki will cover for her <3

Peter: aww thanks guys!!

Tony: And Dad will buy you Ben & Jerry's

Peter: what flavor?

Tony: flavor?

Peter: Dad?

Tony: ...

Tony: Here are the keys to the Ben & Jerry's factories

Peter: Dad!

Tony: Gotta go, love you kiddo!

Peter: Love you too :D

...

Peter, at the factory: Can I get a strawberry ice cream in a kiddie cup? please?

[b1g-b0y]

Crossover DC/Marvel

Billy Batson and Peter Parker switch places

Billy Batson wakes up in Peter Parker’s bed and Peter wakes up in an abandoned building

Both are freaking out and are trying to understand what the fuck is going on so they start to investigate and end up meeting the avengers or in Peter’s case the justice league

After a while and figuring out it will only last a couple of weeks they just help around because well there is still a hero or vigilante missing

[buckystrutssogood]

Clint: I want what Cap and Bucky have

Natasha: what is that supposed to mean

Clint: they love each other, would die for each other

Sam: yeah, and also go against the world for each other *sighs*

Clint: it’s just so….pure

*the door bursts open*

Bucky: *walks in, furious* try that one more time Rogers I dare you

Steve: *follows* or what Buck??? You think you are so much smarter than me

Bucky:*stops, yells back* THATS BECAUSE I AM

Bucky: *turns towards the couch* hey guys *smiles*, show of hands how many of you have seen Steve here jump out of a plane without a parachute?

*Sam, Natasha and Clint raise their hands*

Peter: *mortified* what?

Bucky: exactly, spider-kid

Steve: that’s irrelevant!!! They are called tactics, don’t know if you have heard of them *growls back*

Peter: *mumbles* it’s spider-man

Bucky: oh *sarcastic laugh* tactics right, was it tactics when you delayed our mission because you tripped over getting into your monkey suit ??

Steve: ITS NOT A MONKEY SUIT*knocks Bucky over*

Bucky: *rolls to the top* it is because YOU ARE INSIDE IT

Steve: YOU SON OF A BITCH *rolls him back*

Peter: *blinks* what

Tony: *walks in, casually steps over the brawling pair* *looks at the 4 on the couch*

Tony: Bucky saw Caps footage from the battle of New York

Natasha: *confused*

Tony: Cap jumped onto one of the hydra whales from my roof

Everyone else: ohh

Clint: so pure

[gelu-the-babosa-multiversal]

¡LO VAS A QUEMAR CABRON!

Patreon//Ko-fi//💚🕷🔥

Inspiration under +

[tomriddleslovergirl]

Marvel characters x oblivious!reader

Steve Rogers:

Steve and you had been getting to know each other for the past few months and were becoming good friends. Although, Steve had begun to get feelings for you that were not so friendly. He wanted more out of your guys' relationship.

He'd never been good with flirting, but decided to at least try in doing so incase he scared you off or made you uncomfortable by being too upfront.

So, while on a walk with you one winter day, Steve decided to make his move.

"Y'know, Buck once told me pretty girls always have cold hands." The cold didn't bother Steve because he was a Super-Soldier, but he assumed that it would cause some discomfort for a normal human.

You look down at your hands.

"Huh. Mine are always warm." But either way, you shoved your hands in your jacket pocket, not noticing that Steve had put out his hand for you to hold.

Peter Parker

Peter and you had been going out for a little while now, and every time he'd try to flirt with you, you'd be oblivious. So after building up some confidence (with the help of Ned), he asked you. "Can I have a kiss?"

You look at Peter in shock, wondering how he knew you had a bag of kiss in your bag. You rummage through it and hand him one.

"Here," You say, handing the small chocolate to him.

Ned held in a laugh.

"Th-thanks?" Peter said, his voice cracking with confusion and embarrassment at being rejected - even if it was done obliviously by you.

Wanda Maximoff

Wanda had tried flirting with you before and you would never quite get the hint. She had assumed there was something wrong with the way she tried to make romantic advances with you and went to the Natasha to get some pointers.

Later on, Wanda decided to use some of Nat's tips.

Wanda asked you if you wanted to bake cookies with her and invited you into the Avengers Tower kitchen.

While you both were baking and talking, Wanda would try to make her laughs sound breathy when you made a joke or would compliment you from time to time.

When she noticed you were having trouble icing one of the cookies, she stood behind you, and gently wrapped one of her hands around your hand that was holding the piping bag while you held onto the cookie.

"Here," she whispered, her hot breath hitting your ear as she helped you ice your cookie.

After Wanda was done, she placed the icing bag on the counter and looked at you, trying to see if her flirting had done the trick. But you don't notice anything out of the ordinary.

"Thanks, Wanda," you say, thinking she was just trying to be helpful.

You went to grab another cookie to ice, when she suddenly grabbed your chin. "You have something on your face," she says.

You look up at her in surprise as she swipes her thumb against your cheek. She brings her thumb to her mouth before licking the icing off.

You look up at Wanda, your brows furrowed. "That's disgusting, Wanda."

[sweeneydino]

Punknoir.