#Or if I should beat IX or XII for the first time finally

[maintitle]

the inherent homoeroticism of characters walking into cloud and simply disapearing in ffvii

[thegreatklaid]

Welcome to Klaid's Awful Idea of Playing Every Numbered Final Fantasy in Order!!

So, to make a long story short, the Pixel Remasters were on sale. With that I realized, I had every one of the numbered games minus XVI on the Steam Deck. So, I decided, I hate myself. Thus, we are gonna play all of them.

I am pretty excited, I have been wanting to replay some of these games again. I've done this before, many many years ago, before FFXIII even came out. And nowhere near in order. (FFVIII was my first game and the last one that I managed to beat). But, I've always told myself that I can't beat FFVII for a 33rd time, and that I should play a new game for once. But now I have an excuse, and I hope you all join me in this one.

I'm gonna use this space to keep track of my thoughts, even more than that I plan on organizing them into a before and after. Like I've said, I've beaten the first twelve, so we're gonna talk about how I remember them, what I want to do this playthrough, and how I expect to like it after the fact. Then we'll do another post on how that all came out, and where I think it goes in order after everything. Which means I should put my current list

XII > X > VII > IV > IX > I > VIII > V > XI > VI > III > II

Now we're wiping that away. Because I actually already beat I. I didn't want to start this whole thing if I couldn't even get through one game. And now I'm committed to the idea. In short, I liked FFI. I made some weird mistakes, completely forgot that you can just buy 99 potions, so the first few dungeons were way harder and getting bullshit hits was way meaner than I remember it being. I made a lot of notes on that I didn't like the dungeons in the first game. Too many blind dead ends with them. But I really liked the bosses.

Also these pixel remasters are the weirdest collection of changes that have happened to FF1. They use the old class change styles where they get all skinny. But it uses mostly the Origins stats. Although I learned after the fact that it uses changes made to Red Mage, Monk, and Thief from Dawn of Souls, but it keeps the MP system. It was bizarre.

Which makes me wonder how FFII will work out. But that's for the next day.

[chocoholicannanymous]

If the Spit Hits the Fan (Glee) Part XV

Follows pt I, pt II, pt III, pt IV, pt V, part VI, pt VII, part VIII, part IX, part X, part XI, part XII, part XIII and part XIV.

Being Sebastian's boyfriend really isn't that much different from being his friend. They do a lot of the same things, and talk about the same stuff, only now there's hand-holding and kissing and cuddling with it. Apart from the touching though? Nothing really changes much.

Which kind of makes it sound like how it was with Blaine.

It's not though.

Sebastian will hold his hand in the hallway without worrying about being seen. And yes, Dalton is different from McKinley – so, so much different, and safer – but Blaine even hesitated to hold Kurt's hand in the choir room, surrounded by friends.

Sebastian kisses him in a way that never leaves Kurt doubting there's attraction, and has to stop his hands from wandering too far on a regular basis – yet never making Kurt worry he won't stop.

Sebastian makes Kurt have to stop himself, both from allowing it and from doing his own wandering. They're still too new to go there, no matter how much Kurt's hormones sit up and beg every time Sebastian touches him. (They'll get there, Kurt's sure, just... Step by step, and not yet.)

Sebastian reaches out for Kurt without looking – sometimes seemingly without thinking – to pull him close, and always makes a space for him.

And when Sebastian sings, it's with Kurt, or for him, not at him.

It's a far cry from scheduled make-outs and avoiding even PG13 levels of PDA and being made to feel like his boyfriend is more interested in his own hand than in Kurt.

It's amazing.

There's a rainbow rose hanging on Kurt's door on Valentine's day. He and Sebastian have been dating for two days – a day and a half, if he was to be picky – and Kurt knows from last year's insanity that there's not a flower shop within two hours of Vesterville that carries rainbow roses. They have to be ordered special, and with a lot more warning than two days.

Kurt's not the least bit ashamed about how he squeals, or how he turns on his heel and kisses his boyfriend (!) for long enough to be a little dizzy afterwards.

This isn't to say that Sebastian is a perfect boyfriend. He's not. Then again, neither is Kurt. He's working from romantic movies and the examples from the New directions, and of course from his time with Blaine. Neither is a good road map. Romantic movies have so many flaws Kurt don't really want to examine, and a lot of his favorites are set too far back in time to be useful as guidelines. The loves lives of his old glee mates are...well. They're flawed too, when seen without rose-colored glasses and envy.

As for his relationship with Blaine... Even if he's not counting how it ended that relationship was so very less than perfect, and honestly it was both their faults. Kurt's not without blame, he knows that and can admit it without somehow pretending what Blaine did wrong never happened.

So he's trying to learn from his mistakes, and other people's mistakes, and he does his best to communicate with Sebastian – who does the same in return.

Also, no one can say that they don't argue. They definitely do. They have from the beginning, and they're both opinionated passionate people, so why should they stop now? Their relationship has changed – they themselves haven't.

It's just that they manage to argue in a way that works. That doesn't makes Kurt pull out his claws to eviscerate Sebastian, that doesn't scare Kurt, or make him give in to “preserve the peace”. That, right there, was one of the things that had sent his relationship with Blaine down the wrong turn. When he'd first told his dad that he'd begun dating Blaine Burt Hummel had told him never to go to bed angry with his partner. He'd meant to sort out arguments and disagreements, but Kurt had interpreted it as needing to back down and push down his anger or hurt. With Sebastian he doesn't.

They argue, because that's who – and how – they are, but they do it in as mature and healthy way as they are able to, being teenagers. And they apologize if they step over the line. Not Kurt apologizes, regardless, with Sebastian pouting until he does, but both of them.

If Kurt had to, he'd call it damned near perfect. Instead he'll just say it's good, and he's happy.

That's never something to look down on.

The week of Regionals is weird. Kurt's never felt as prepared or as calm with a competition approaching, which is rather telling. The rest of the Warblers are a different story though. Kurt has made it clear that his primary goal is to beat the Troubletones, and his friends are feeling the pressure. They even ask if Kurt and Sebastian won't reconsider singing 'Human Nature'.

“Look, guys, I'm honored, really, that you would trust me, us like that. But I want to win more than I want that solo. And even if we ignore the fact that Ohio doesn't seem ready for a gay duet, I really do think the setlist we have is stronger as is. The Troubletones have a great presence, and both Mercedes and Santana are awesomely talented. However, everything about the Troubletones are built around them. The rest of the girls are background and dancing. If we go on with a number that's the same they are going to win, for no other reason than that most people find girls prettier and nicer to look at.

“But if we go on as an actual choir, for a show choir competition? We'll win. I'm sure of it. We've worked so hard with our songs, and I wouldn't change a thing about our setlist.”

And it's true. They have an amazing setlist, and everything flows in a way that makes Kurt feel practically professional, and he's not giving that – and its chance to win – up to stare longingly at Sebastian while singing a song that exposes them to the core.

No. Kurt's going to have quite a lot more time in the spotlight than he'd expected when turning down a proper solo. He's going to sing with his friends, and his boyfriend, and he's going to show McKinley what it means to be a team onstage.

The Troubletones are just as amazing onstage as Kurt thought. They've done a good job picking their songs, and Mercedes still has the best voice he's ever heard live. Santana's not quite as talented, but give her the right song – which these are – and she'll blow your mind. Their choreography showcases the girls poached from the Cheerios without making Mercedes look too far behind, and their clothes look good.

Kurt would vote for them any day, even with Rachel being given a place in the background, except this one. This is going to be his day. He meets Sebastians eyes as they line up and nods.

Showtime.

'I want You Back' does exactly what it's meant to, namely getting the audience in a party mood. As the last notes flows into the first from 'Man in the Mirror' the mood shifts and Kurt feels his own shift with it. His solo feels a little raw, because in no way can he sing those lines without being reminded of all the crap he's gone through over the past 6 months.

“...a willow deeply scared, somebody's broken heart and a washed out dream...”

Well. His heart might have been broken, and his dreams about Blaine did wash out. But he's got new dreams, and his hearts healed, and no matter the scars he's whole where it matters. And even if he wasn't? He's looking in the mirror, and he's changing.

They bring the party back with their last song, giving their all transforming the sounds of 'Beat It' to sounds that can be reproduced by the human throat. The dancing is the most demanding Kurt's ever done onstage, and he knows he will definitely be beat after. But they look and sound awesome, and that's all that matters.

Or maybe not, he ruefully thinks as he sees Finn on his feet, jumping up and down and whooping as the Warblers are proclaimed the winners and Rachel looks like she's been pelted with eggs again.

“You stole our songs!”

Of course. All Kurt wants to do is get on the bus, go back to Dalton and celebrate. Okay, shower, then celebrate. So naturally Rachel is waiting to ambush him. Well, that's not going to go the way she's probably thinking.

“Really? Really Rachel, you're going there? You know very well that we didn't steal anything. Oh, I know that there was a suggestion that the New Directions do Michael for Sectionals, but I also know that you were the one who refused to accept it.

“You really blew it there. Michael is a great choice for Sectionals or Regionals, what with the Ohio mindset, and I'm pretty sure you would have won with the setlist the guys suggested. I'm not surprised you put a stop to it though.”

Rachel draws back, looking first shocked, then insulted, then finally like an angry goose, complete with hissing sound. He's not letting it touch him though, lets it run over him, one might say, like water over a goose.

“There are no songs in Michael Jacksons discography that's a given for you, no certainty that you'll be featured. And in the end, that's what mattered, wasn't it? Not that the New Directions won, but that you won. You wanted to beat the Troubletones, didn't you? Wanted to show that you were better than Mercedes, wanted to prove that her beating you when auditioning for Maria was just a fluke. Wanted to prove what everyone knows, that's she's every bit as good as you, and sometimes better, is wrong.

“Well, congratulations. You got what you wanted in terms of the setlist and the spotlight, but you fucked up everything else. And not just for you, but for everyone.”

An expression of pain flies across Rachel's face, and he pushes the knife in a little bit further.

“We weren't as blind though. The minute Finn told me about the Michael setlist I knew it was a winner. As did the other Warblers. I asked Finn first, and Sam and Puck. They didn't think we needed their permission, as you didn't use the songs, but they gave it any way.”

Kurt looks at Rachel, looks at the way she's still fuming, still refusing to see any other side than her own. It won't matter what he says – she'll keep ignoring any and all arguments against her. Once he might have tried harder to make her understand, but as things are he just wants to leave. His boyfriend's waiting and that makes Kurt out of time to spend on his former friend.

“Your loss, our gain.”

He starts to leave, but thinks better of it. He's got one more jab in him.

“Oh, and Rachel? Don't worry. Going to Nationals is a privilege, and we won't waste it. We've already gotten started on a setlist.”

It's petty, but. So's she.

That evening the Warblers celebrate as thoroughly as a bunch of uniformed boys in a well-staffed boarding school can. This means that it's late when Kurt drags Sebastian to his room (unlike him Sebastian's in a single), but neither of them is under the influence of anything but happiness.

That's important to Kurt as they tumble into Sebastian's bed while kissing, because he doesn't want there to be any doubt in Sebastian's mind that when Kurt pulls off his shirt and then goes for his fly it's because he wants to.

Having Sebastian stop him is frustrating, to say the very least.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

It's only the fact that it's Sebastian, and that he's shown himself trustworthy in so many ways over the past months that stops Kurt from storming out.

“I thought we... You know?”

It's so hard to say, to open himself up like this, years of being told he's a predator, or ugly, or plain wrong getting just as much in his way as the fact that he's never done this, and the only time he's been even close wasn't even about him.

Apparently he's going to have to use his words regardless, because Sebastian's not taking the opening.

“I thought we could have sex.” There. Words. Consent. Door wide open.

And yet Sebastian's still not taking the opening.

“What's the hurry?”

Kurt pulls back a little, hurt blooming.

“No, no, don't. Talk to me, okay? I'm a bit surprised I guess. We haven't even been dating for two months yet, and I know this is new for you.”

“So? It's not like I'm waiting for marriage.”

Kurt knows he sounds a bit snippy, and he has sort of been waiting – not for marriage, but for something, some feeling of more. He's got that feeling with Sebastian, so what's the point of waiting any longer? Everyone else his age (or so it feels) is having sex so why can't he?

Some of it must bleed through because Sebastian gets that “aha” look, and nods a bit.

“Look, regardless of what I might have said or implied when chasing Blaine, I'm actually not the whore of Babylon. I have, however, rounded a few bases and enjoyed them. I think you'd enjoy them too, and I would love to find out first hand. But that doesn't have to mean we go straight to fucking.” Kurt blushes, because he might be ready to do it, but those words...

“So. I'm not going to push, and I'm not going to rush. I am more than interested though, I'm just happy to take it a bit slow. To build up to every step. As far as I'm concerned you've earned that.”

Sebastian's looking so earnest it kills Kurt annoyance, and then lightning-quick it's replaced by a vicked look than makes him shiver all over.

“I wouldn't mind showing you the first of many, many bases now though. How about it, babe?”

Kurt doesn't mind either, neither then nor the next day.

[theheartsmistakes]

The Last Night Part XXII

(Author’s Notes at the end)

Parts I-XXI:

Here is Part I

Here is Part II

Here is Part III

Here is Part IV

Here is Part V

Here is Part VI

Here is Part VII

Here is Part VIII

Here is Part IX

Here is Part X

Here is Part XI

Here is Part XII

Part XIII

Part XIV

Part XV

Part XVI

Part XVII

Part XVIII

Part XIX

Part XX

Part XXI

.XXII.

“Lucie!” Her father’s voice came from the other side of the door as it cracked open inviting in a warm light that chased away the darkness from inside Lucie’s bedroom. Lucie, being only five years old should have been asleep hours ago, but was sitting up in bed with her old stuffed rabbit in her lap, and both hands firmly clamped over her ears.

Will, dressed in his white stocking pajamas, his black hair a mess of tangled curls stepped into the room. “Lucie, I heard voices-- what’s the matter?”

Lucie uncovered her ears and slowly opened her eyes as her father walked into the hazy moonlight that came in through the oval window like a dramatic spotlight. “They won’t stop whispering at me, Papa.”

“Who?” Will looked around her room. “Is someone else in here?”

Lucie nodded.

“Where?” Will demanded.

“They’re not here now,” said Lucie. “You frightened them off, but they wouldn’t stop whispering to me.”

A strange recognition filled Will’s expression. He walked over to Lucie’s side of the bed and climbed in beside her. “Is that so?”

She nodded. “They can be so loud. I think they just want someone to talk to, and I don’t mind, but I want to sleep.”

Will smiled. “As you should be. What do these visitors say?”

Lucie played with the silk ear of her rabbit. “They mostly just say my name. Whisper it over and over again, like they can’t say anything more. Are they ghosts?”

Will nodded. “Yes, I think so.”

“How come I can see them?”

“Because you’re a Herondale,” said Will, proudly. “All Herondales can see ghosts.”

Lucie contemplated this for a moment to the best ability of her still developing five year old brain. “So even James and Mam?”

“Only James, not Mam,” explained Will. “Mam was a Grey before she was a Herondale. It’s hard to understand, but you will.” He tilted her chin up with his finger. “Only born Herondales have this particular talent.”

“And devilishly good looks,” parroted Lucie.

Will barked a laugh. “Exactly.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “They’re nothing to be frightened of. They can’t hurt you. They’re just looking for a friend. Now, you go to sleep and if these ghosts visit you again, you remind them that your bedtime is seven-thirty and if they’d like to visit you it must be before then.”

Lucie nodded and slid down beneath the thick comforter. Will tucked Lucie in all around until she resembled a log underneath a fancy blanket. With his white slippers shuffling along the floor, Will left the room and closed the door behind him.

For a moment, her room was quiet and she thought her father might have chased the last of the voices away.

When she was almost asleep, she felt a cold breath of air against her cheek.

Lucie.

Lucie.

LUCIE!

The whispering could be heard even as she folded a pillow over her ears and squeezed her eyes shut. They continued until finally she sat up and yelled into the void, “BE QUIET!”

The voices went out in a whoosh like a candle being snuffed. Nothing could be heard except for the grandfather clock’s ticking on the wall in the hall and the crickets chirping in the warm summer’s air outside. With a curt nod, Lucie closed her eyes and fell asleep.

“Good,” said Belial as he stood from the bed. “You received my message.”

Lucie’s eyes flickered to Grace cowering in the corner beside her mother. Tears stained Grace’s face and her chin shook with more to come as she looked apologetically at Lucie.

“What have you done?” Lucie whispered.

“I had no choice,” said Grace. “He was going to kill my Mum and he would never bring Jesse back. I wouldn’t be left alone— not again.”

Blood boiled in Lucie’s cheeks. “You really think he’ll uphold his promise? He’s about as reliable as a trained lion. He’ll get what he wants from you and then tear your face off.”

“What do you know of it?” Snapped Tatiana Blackthorn. “You’ve been handed things your whole life. Blessed. You’ve no idea what it means to lose something you love.” She turned her attention to Belial. “I’ve done everything you’ve asked. I killed seven innocent souls, I’ve released six demons from captivity using Shadowhunter blood, and I’ve brought you the girl. Now, return my son and we’ll be on our way. You can do what you wish with her.”

Belial blinked lazily.

Lucie hadn’t noticed before since her focus was entirely on the prince of hell lounging on Grace’s chiffon bed. The two women broke apart like curtains and resting behind them, on the bench beneath the window like he’d fallen asleep reading a book, was Jesse’s body.

Lucie gasped and took a marginal step closer to him, but stopped.

Death begets death begets death. You cannot take from death without giving to death first and sometimes it takes more than its share.

“Grace!” Lucie reached forward.

Belial snapped his fingers and Tatiana’s body crumpled to the floor with a sickening crack. Her neck lolled to the side like a broken stick. Grace screamed and fell back against the wall behind her just as Jesse gasped from the window seat.

Limbs flailed around as if he were trying to save himself from drowning until he fell to the floor on his hands and knees gasping for breath in lungs that haven’t been used in years. Lucie thought she could hear his heart beating until she realized it was her own. He sat up and clutched his chest, his blue, green eyes darted frantically around the room.

Grace fell to the floor beside him. “Jesse, it’s alright. It’s alright!”

Jesse wouldn’t look at her. His eyes locked on Lucie. “No, what have you done.”

“I haven’t done anything,” said Lucie.

“Then why are you here?” His face turned red in the cheeks. “I told you specifically not to come. Damn it, Lucie, why didn’t you listen.”

Lucie moved back a step. “I did listen. I came here to tell Grace that I no longer wanted to be a part of our agreement. I came here to tell her that I was giving up. I thought I was honoring your wishes. How was I to know that he was waiting here for me?”

“I didn’t tell you because I thought you wouldn’t believe me,” groaned Jesse. “I thought you’d think I was bluffing to keep you from trying.”

Lucie scoffed. “And look how well your dishonesty worked out.”

Grace cried over their dead mother and clutched at her thick collar in a feeble attempt to wake her up.

“Enough,” said Belial, growing bored of the exchange in front of him. “I have upheld my bargain. It’s time for us to go.”

“No!” Jesse tried to stand. Belial cocked his head and Jesse fell back against Grace.

“Another move and I’ll kill you again, this time with no chance of return.” Belial’s eyes flickered over to Lucie. “I’ve realized I’ve been going about this the wrong way. I tried to capture the Carstairs girl thinking that she would get you to join me, but she’s far too much trouble. No, there was another pawn hiding right underneath my nose. The Blackthorn boy. It didn’t occur to me until you came to visit Grace and asked for her assistance in bringing him back. She was a good pet and delivered the message to Tatiana who in turn delivered the message to me.”

Lucie glared at Grace with her arms wrapped around Jesse’s shoulders. But how could she blame her? If the tables were reversed and it was James she was trying to revive, she might have done the same. No, she was positive she would have done the same. She’d allowed Jesse to give his last breath to her brother to save his life. In the end, she had been willing to give something up for the life of someone she loved. She could not fault Grace that.

“I’m not going with you,” she said. “The entire clave will be here shortly and you’ll be banished back to whatever level of hell you came from.”

Belial grinned. Despite herself, Lucie found it quite a charming smile. “Wonderful. A family reunion. It’s been so long since I’ve spoken to my daughter. I’ve wondered how she fared all these years.”

“She fared nicely without the likes of you,” said Lucie, cursing herself for not bringing a short blade or at least a couple of throwing knives. She’d left in such a rush, she didn’t find a need. Her uncle was notorious for hiding weapons about the manor. Her aunt was always cursing him about it when they were children and Christopher or Anna would somehow wander down the hallway with a curve blade in their chubby little hands.

The hallway, Lucie nearly gasped as she remembered the cross blades hanging in the hallway.

The door behind her remained open. Only a few steps back and she could make a break for it and at least have a chance at defending herself.

“I wouldn’t try it if I were you,” said Belial, tucking his hands into his pockets. “Not unless you want me to start breaking bones in their bodies starting with the smallest.” He raised on his hands and folded his fingers. The door slammed behind Lucie and she heard the faint sound of the lock. “We don’t have much time. I have a very short window back into my realm and we’ll need to be going now. That is if you want your friends to live.”

“Lucie.” Jesse fought against Grace’s hold. “Do not go with him. I’m not meant to be here. I’m not meant to be alive.”

“How rude,” said Belial. “Do you have any idea how hard your mother and sister worked to bring you back to life. The least you could do is be more grateful.”

“If I go with you,” said Lucie. “If I agree to do what you ask, you’ll promise to leave them alone?”

“You have my word,” grinned Belial and extended his hand towards Lucie.

Every instinct drove her to pull away, to run, but then some stronger instinct took control, and of their own free will her fingers closed round Belial’s. Heat seared down and through her, swift as wildfire chased by wind, and as it moved she felt something strong and heavy wrap around her waist.

Her connection broke with Belial as she was dragged back to the center of the room. She turned her neck and looked up.

“Thomas?”

His face was contorted in rage as he yelled over his shoulder to the hallway, “Now!”

A figure dressed in Shadowhunter gear stepped into the room. Lucie didn’t recognize him at first as his face was hidden behind a curtain of black hair.  A spear flew from his hand towards Belial.

Before she could even blink, it’d somehow stopped inches from Belial’s chest, and shot back at the shadow hunter with blinding speed impaling the person in the chest and pinned them to the wall like a collected insect.

It wasn’t until then that Lucie caught a glimpse of the face against the wall. Mouth open and eyes glossy as he stared down at the stick protruding from his chest was Alastair.

A/N: Hope you all are well! Good news, next update is coming in just a short seven days, Dec 13. You know the drill: hit that like, share, leave me comment, and follow along for more updates. Stay safe and stay healthy!

[raspberryfanfics]

twelve nejiten first kisses

mostly lots of hot stuff but there’s a bit of angst and fluff here and there

i.  As Tenten shoves dango down her throat, she realizes that he’s staring at her with an expression she hasn’t seen until now. “Uh—Neji? You hanging in there—” Before she can finish her question he’s kissing her, mouth over her own. She’s in so much shock that her eyes are still open but with the slight tug of his teeth on her lip, they quickly flutter closed.

ii. He pins her to the tree, Byakugan pulsing furiously as his breaths come panting. Her tenketsu are sealed, she’s lost, yet there is still a fire in her eyes, rushed with adrenaline. Neji realizes that is breathing is started to get more and more ragged as she struggles in his grip, biting her lower lip. Tenten looks hot. She looks hot in a non-platonic way and he is trying very hard to push those thoughts down. Letting every ounce of self-control slip through his fingers, he slams his lips into hers, devouring the soft moan that escapes from her lips. It a furious battle from there, a new type of spar, and he has no intention of losing. 

iii. He looks more peaceful than she has ever seen him. Tenten’s breath catches in her throat as he stares at the birds, laying flat on the grass. A small hint of a smile teases on his lips, but she can tell that he’s beaming on the inside. Neji’s beautiful, more beautiful than she can ever hope to be and he feels so out of reach. Yet he’s open at the moment, exposed, happily vulnerable, and despite the distance he seems to be at, she feels like maybe if she leaps, she will make it. It feels like the greatest risk of her life when he closes his eyes in content and she leans in, softly touching her lips to his. He doesn’t do anything, is so still she wonders if he has gone unconscious. Tenten can’t breathe, wonders if this will affect them, if it will ruin the most precious relationship of her life. When she pulls back, his eyes are still closed. After a moment, he lets them flutter open, this time his smile is wider, her heart pounds quicker. Neji curls his hand around the back of her neck and brings her in for another one and she is so filled with relief that she laughs and tumbles around the grass with him.

iv. He wishes he could ignore it, wishes he could ignore the man dancing with her and slowly sliding his hand down her waist, inching close and closer to where no one should be touching her. Does she even know? Does she enjoy it? Neji adverts his gaze and down the rest of his shot. It’s all just hormones, he refuses it to be something else. But at the first yelp from her voice, he snaps his attention back to her and his hand is between her legs.  He pushes back his chair and is storming near her, ready to murder someone, yet it appears that she has beat him to the chase. Instead, he has to pull her away from castrating him, despite wishing that she would do so, and she struggles against his hold. “He tried to—” “And he won’t ever try again,” Neji mutters into her and she nearly slaps him across the face too. Suddenly, she groans and jerks herself away from him.  “Man, it was all for nothing,” she sighs. “What was?” “I was trying to make you jealous!”  And that’s all he needs before he takes her wrist and kisses her like there’s no tomorrow.

v. “I hate you!” she cries. She pounds her fist into his chest over and over and she’s probably hurting him. Tenten is strong, her punches are strong, and there is no way he doesn’t feel it.  Yet he takes it. He lets her take all the pain and put it on him, lets her blame him. And it hurts that he loves her so much to let her hate him if it give her peace. However, it doesn’t give her peace. It gives her no peace at all to know that he will endure it for her.  Tenten sobs into him this time and he wraps his strong arms around her protectively. He’s warm, safe, and she wonders why she can’t love him like he loves her.  She quickly grabs his jaw and kisses him, feels him tense as their lips meet, but he responds weaker than she thought he would. When she pulls back, his eyes are sad. Has his feelings changed already. “I don’t want you to kiss me because you pity me,” he whispers, and she has seen exactly how she has broke him.

vi. “I’m going to kiss you,” he says, and her eyes widen in shock.  Before she can say anything, he presses his lips over hers. One hand is holding her chin and the other supports her waist.  For a moment, she’s still and he wonders if he had made a mistake with all those signs. Yet he feels her smirk against his lips and she confidently puts a hand on his shoulder, the other on his chest. When he pulls away, Tenten is grinning mischievously.  “About fucking time, Hyuga,”

vii. He’s mad. Oh, Neji is really fucking mad.  Tenten can only back up as he strides towards her with his super fucking long legs and she feels her heart beating faster and faster with every step closer. It’s until she’s backed against a wall when he stops, something burning his his pale eyes that screams anger, power, and lust.  God, the lust excites her so much that she feels wetness pool between her legs, though it is far from the first time she has felt so aroused by him. Neji pushes his palms into her shoulder, his breaths coming quick and heavy. After so many weeks of this tension, she wonders if he’s gonna burst, if he will finally give in. She swears that if he doesn’t take her against the wall and pulls back she will personally— It happens. It happens so quickly that she can barely respond, can’t respond because he’s everywhere so quickly. All she can do is open her mouth and allow him access, allow him to do whatever he pleases with her until he decides to finish. 

viii. “I love you,”  Neji turns his head to look at her and she’s in such a normal position, sharpening her weapons casually. He almost wonders if she actually said it but he doesn’t doubt it. “You can’t love me,” he says simply. Tenten raises an eyebrow. “Can’t as in it’s impossible to love you or that I’m not allowed to?” “Both,” he says, still gaping at her confession. She only shrugs and puts her weapons down, a confident smile on her lips. Neji doesn’t understand how she can say something so casually, if she even knows what love is. Yet she isn’t stupid so it confuses him that she, a girl who is the bird he longs to be, would fall in love with someone lower than the worms in the soil. “Whatever,” She slides her hand over his jaw and he freezes because somehow, her touch sends electricity buzzing through his veins. Her eyes flutter to his lips and he can’t breathe until she gives him a quick kiss, then pulls back, satisfied. When she leaves the training field, he touches his hand over his mouth, feeling so strangely light.

ix. “Fuck, I think they’re onto us,” Tenten hisses. “Kiss me,” “What—mmph!”

x. “Fuck, I think they’re onto us,” Neji hisses. “Kiss me,” “What—mmph!”

xi. It’s funny, because after seducing him the whole night, causing him to choke every second, she wasn’t even prepared for him to actually seduce her back. Now she’s practically cowering as he stares at her intensely, desire clouded in his gaze. It’s hard to believe that their roles have switched so quickly. “Wh—What do you want?” she (barely) manages to choke out. “That’s a good question,” he leans into her ear, taking a nip below it. It draws a gasp from her lips and her eyes instinctively flutter shut, a delicious feeling forming inside of her. When he trails tiny kisses below her jaw, Tenten can’t help but tilt her head up and moan with soft pleasure. “I want a lot of things. I want you under me, your wrists pinned under my hand, above your head.” She gasps as he sucks at her throat. It’s bound to leave a mark. “I want you begging me to touch you, where you want, teased to the brink,” Heat shoots to the spot between her thighs.  “And I want you screaming my name as I fuck you senseless—” “Hurry up and get on with it, Hyuga,” she cries, barely able to breathe with how hot he’s making her. “Gladly,” And he finally devours her, enveloping her lips in his. 

xii. “Neji,” she says softly. He sees tears around her eyes and wants to wipe them away. Yet he can’t move, he can only lie in her arms as she supports his neck with her hand. “You better not die on me,” A weak smile forms. “Wouldn’t dream of it, Tenten,” She kisses him right there and then, even though both of them are covered in blood, whose blood they do not know, even though they have just receded from a vicious battle. And honestly, he doesn’t care, doesn’t think to care. It’s just her and him, no one else. It’s all he can ask for. 

[dreamersdownfall]

we were dancing last night. our eyes never left each other. there were things brimming in your gaze, words you packed away into your heart. my lips parted, but i decided to leave the words sealed in the lining of my heart. i decided to part them to kiss you instead. thirteen times i wanted to say you make me come undone and thirteen times i chose not to; thirteen times my heart beat faster:

i. we let our gazes do all the touching first, didn't we? heated liquid stares of mercury, sliding and sliding and sliding. the slight curve of a smile. you always like to start slow. i want to tell you i long for your heart in my hands; i don't say a word.

ii. our palms press first, then our fingers, lining up like matchsticks i want to light. there is a note of yearning in your eyes, a song of everything you want to say but won't. i want to tell you to say it; my lips remain unparted.

iii. your fingers slide into the spaces of mine, slowly, slowly, you pull me to you, you savour, there is something about dancing, you always say, that feels like hearts stitching themselves together. i want to tell you to do just that. i don't say a word.

iv. if you sew the contours of your heart to mine, will the words finally spill from the linings i've tucked them in? i want to ask you; i don't.

v. you sway with me, your hands are everywhere, your confessions locked up tight. i am only the brush of your mouth with mine; i am only the dip of your head, the strange want in your eyes. i never tell you.

vi. do you realise? we are silhouettes entwined in the dark. your desperate want is so wrapped around mine, blue paint bleeding into the violet, all our words, all our ink smudged. i never told you i was the violet.

vii. i desperately try to see the remnants of the smudged words on your body through my fingers. the ink is spilled. i only glimpse the word love on your neck. the rest are faded lines from the soft violence of my fingers. i never asked you what the rest of it said.

viii. dancing and dancing and dancing to the music of mingled breaths and thoughts unsaid. dancing to your electric smile. we are all held breaths and waiting. i don't ask you how much longer we will wait.

ix. we aren't dancing anymore. you've pressed me to a wall of paintings, paintings of lovers that are us and will never be us at the same time. my heart is ringing with the memory of your kiss, with the anticipation of this one. why are you staring me with so much in your eyes? i never asked.

x. my heart feels like a wild animal pacing in a cage. it is filled with too many words that haven't spoiled yet. your heart is in your eyes. i think they will tie themselves with red threads now. i should have told you. i didn't.

xi. every heartbeat, you lean closer and closer and i want to rip every stitch holding my words together. i almost succeed; and then you kiss me and i'm not thinking anymore. i have no words left.

xii. my hands are all over you. if i trace the contours of you, maybe it will feel like those of your heart. slow coaxing, i am trying to pull the words with gentle tugs at your heartstrings. tell me; am i succeeding now?

xiii. tonight, the words come unbidden to your lips. i love you. i love you. i love you. they taste like cherry wine. they taste like ripped stitches and open seams and spilled words. i want to tell you my heart has finally been telling truths lately. i want to tell you i love you, too. i think i will.

[maraudererasmut]

Black and White (Part XXXVIII)

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI | Part XII | Part XIII | Part XIV | Part XV | Part XVI | Part XVII | Part XVIII | Part XIX | Part XX | Part XXI | Part XXII | Part XXIII | Part XXIV | Part XXV | Part XXVI | Part XXVII | Part XXVIII | Part XXIX | Part XXX | Part XXXI | Part XXXII | Part XXXIII | Part XXXIV | Part XXXV* | Part XXXVI | Part XXXVII | Part XXXVIII

Sirius

Thanks again for dinner. It was delicious. I had a great evening. Hope you did, too. 😘

Remus kept staring at the text, trying to interpret it for any hidden meaning. This was the first time Sirius had ever used an emoji while texting him. Sirius was thirty. Thirty year old men didn't use emojis, did they?

Remus didn't...

Remus typed out his response and hit send before rolling over and starting his day. He needed to paint, to clear his mind from all the fog that had settled in his brain.

The artist walked up to one of his blank canvases and stared at it, waiting for it to talk to him, to whisper its secrets into his heart. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, inhaling the scents of gesso and acrylic paint, trying to steady his racing mind. When he opened his eyes again, he was ready.

Remus grabbed a brush and a palette and began spreading paint across his canvas, focusing on how his tools felt beneath his hands. There was nothing quite like thick acrylic paint— the bold colours that it could achieve, the texture of paint on the canvas. Smooth brushstrokes layered themselves, one atop another, and Remus let himself cover his canvas, not worrying or thinking, just focusing on the feeling of painting.

Buzz buzz.

The buzzing of Remus' phone pulled him from his work; he grabbed it from his pocket and checked his texts.

Remus

I did, too. Thanks for coming over

Sirius

How about I return the favour? Dinner tomorrow at my place? I have a tv

Remus smiled at Sirius' text. He wrote his response out and debated for a moment whether or not to send it. Did people really use emojis to communicate these days?

Remus

Sounds like a plan ❤️

Once the message was sent, Remus returned his focus to painting, trying not to overthink his word choice.

Buzz buzz.

Remus briefly mused how quickly Sirius had responded, before he actually saw who the text was from.

Lily

Really? A heart emoji? God, you two are smitten.

Remus rolled his eyes. He was about to type out a snarky response when his phone began to ring. He answered it on speakerphone, placing it on a stool next to his canvas so that he could work while talking.

“What’s up?”

“You busy right now?” Lily’s smile could be heard across the phone line.

“I’m painting. Why?”

There was a pause on the other end before Lily responded.

“Wanna grab coffee? We should chat.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Oh yeah, everything’s fine, don’t worry. I just… Wanna hear about last night.”

Remus scowled at his painting as he tried to interpret Lily’s meaning.

“What about it? Sounds like you’re with Sirius right now… Can’t he tell you?”

“Yeah, well… that’s kind of why I want to talk…”

“Fine,” Remus sighed, resigned to his fate. “Meet you at the Daily Grind in half an hour?”

“Sounds good!”

Remus hung up his phone and looked down at the paintbrush in his hand.

“Sorry, my friend. We’re gonna have to do this later,” he grumbled at it, vaguely wondering why he bothered to address inanimate objects and whether or not Sirius would find it weird.

________

“Talk to me, Remus,” Lily announced as she sat down across from her friend with two cups in her hand; a coffee for her and a chai tea for Remus.

Remus raised a brow and tried not to smirk.

“About?”

“Shut up. You know exactly what about!”

Remus couldn’t help himself as he watched Lily’s face twist in frustration.

“Well, do you want me to shut up or to talk?”

“I will hurt you, Remus Lupin. Don’t think I won’t!” Remus knew that Lily was joking, but if she hadn’t been, he would likely have been terrified. As petite as she was, Lily was feisty, and Remus was sure she could beat him in a fight any day of the week.

“Okay, okay! Geez, Lily…” Remus pretended to complain, holding his hands up dismissively. “We had a date last night. Sirius came over. We had dinner, we watched a movie! Why is this so urgent?”

“So… he didn’t stay the night?”

Remus blinked, taken slightly off guard.

“Uh… no? No, he… he left after the movie. Is that… weird?”

Lily shrugged, worrying her coffee cup between her fingers.

“I’m… not sure yet. Something’s up with Sirius, I’m just trying to figure it out…”

Remus felt his stomach lurch and his head immediately began filling with the worst case scenario.

“What’s wrong, Lily? Is he okay? Should we head over?”

“What? No, he’s…” Lily glanced up and noticed the panicked expression on Remus’ face, realizing her mistake. “Shit, I’m sorry. Nothing like that! He’s fine, don’t worry. I just… he seemed a bit out of sorts today…”

A wave of relief washed over Remus as he felt himself relax into his chair.

“Out of sorts? In what way?”

Lily shrugged, chewing her lip in contemplation.

“I just… He thought you were mad at him this morning and he… he wouldn’t tell us why.”

Remus furrowed his brow, taking a sip of his tea.

“I wasn’t mad at him…” He mumbled, a twinge of guilt in his voice.

“I didn’t think you were… I just… when you sent him that stupid heart emoji, I hadn’t seen him that happy in ages… I’m glad you sent it.”

Remus groaned, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hands.

“That stupid emoji… Since when did people our age use emojis?”

“What happened, Remus? If the date went well, why was Sirius so weird this morning?”

Remus stared at the table for a moment, trying to figure out how to talk to Lily about his problems without sounding like an immature teenager. Remus took another sip of tea, letting the warm liquid burn its way down his throat, heating him up from the inside.

“Things were really great at first…” He began, setting his cup down and focusing on it. “We were watching a movie and… and cuddling. And things got… You know…”

Lily made a sound as if she had just seen a puppy snuggling with a kitten, and Remus felt his chest tighten.

“Go on…”

“I just…” Remus sighed, running his fingers through his hair, trying to gather his thoughts. “We were snogging, yeah? And I tried to… you know… make a move… Sirius just… didn’t seem interested.”

“Again?”

Remus nodded. He felt Lily reach out and place her hand atop his, giving it a loving squeeze before pulling away.

“Did he… say why?”

“Nope. Just that… it wasn’t me. Which… Doesn’t feel true.” Remus closed his eyes, rubbing them again, trying to make sense of the thoughts that had been driving him crazy since the night before. “I get that he’s not ready. And consent is so important, I know that. And… And I know that he doesn’t owe me an explanation, I do! I just… It’s so hard to hear that someone doesn’t want to be with you. It’s… It’s such a blow to the ego… To have someone... someone who you’re so attracted to, someone who says they’re attracted to you, too. And they just… don’t want to do things with you and I just…”

Remus exhaled, trying to steady himself and nip his rambling in the bud.

“I get it, Remus… That must be hard…”

“I just… It all sounds so stupid! It’s so… so… childish! I hate that this is getting to me! I know, objectively, that this is a perfectly normal situation with a perfectly reasonable explanation…” Remus ran his fingers through his curls again. "It took me years… years to finally build the confidence to know what I want and to ask for it. Taking the lead in a… a sexual situation… that's new to me. I had to shake all of those ingrained feelings that were drilled into me as a kid. Being gay is bad, sex is bad— wanting sex? That's extra bad! I had to… detach myself from that… internalized homophobia, that embedded hatred of myself and my sexuality. And I just… it… fuck, it feels like I'm right back there right now! I'm… wondering if there's something wrong with me. I went out on a limb and tried to express my desires, and being met with resistance makes me feel… undesirable. Does… does that make any sense?"

Remus looked up into emerald green eyes that shimmered with lingering tears. Lily looked so affected by Remus' words, so taken by what he had to say.

"Oh, Remus… I know exactly what you mean. I get it. I really do… And I am so sorry that you're going through that…”

“And…” Remus continued after a beat. “And if he just… came out and said something? Like, if he said “Hey, Remus, by the way, I’m asexual!” That would be fine. Better than fine! I get that! That’s something I understand. And we could figure things out from there! I just… That’s not what’s happening. Sirius just… doesn’t want to do stuff with me and I just… I don’t know why. And I know that he’s fine hooking up with other people, apparently it’s just me that he has a problem with—“

“Remus…”

Remus looked up. He had gotten so lost in his own head, he hadn’t realized that he was spilling out the thoughts that had been kept inside for so long; unspoken problems that he hadn’t had a chance to decipher, let alone say aloud.

“Sorry…”

“Don’t be sorry. I just… I want you guys to be happy. And I think you can be… I worry when I see you like this, it’s not really like you…”

“Yeah… This is… new to me...” Remus hadn’t been in a real relationship for a while; he forgot how vulnerable he felt whenever he opened himself up to someone, allowing them to see past his carefully constructed barriers. He hated it. “I just… wish I could figure this out…”

“Sirius just needs time, I think. I’m not sure what’s up with him, but whatever it is, I’m sure he’ll open up to you about it. He’s… he’s so taken by you. He adores you, Remus. I can see it in his smile. I can see it every time I mention you. He lights up whenever he talks about you…”

Remus felt himself blush as he took another sip of tea.

“Really?”

“Mmhmm. Really,” Lily said with a nod. “You bring out the best in him. I think what he needs right now is… a bit of patience.”

“I think I can manage that,” Remus said to his cup, smiling lovingly at it. “Patience…”

[nanasarea]

Sucker I viii

Prompt: Y/N attends a school for the supernatural, specifically: werewolves, witches and vampires. The school might be magic, but so is love, right? Right?

Genre: angst, fluff, slight smut in the future

Pairing: reader x 00 line

Inspired heavily by: Legacies (and The Vampire Diaries&The Originals)

main m.list / sucker m.list /  i  ii  iii  iv   v   vi   vii   viii   ix   x   xi  xii xiii  xiv  xv

You sat down at your usual spot for breakfast and tried avoiding eye contact with everyone, but you knew you failed when you heard a “Yikes, did you sleep at all last night?” from Hana. 

“I did! But then I woke up from the nightmare and couldn’t fall asleep again.” You said as Renjun placed a hand near your chin when he noticed your head slowly falling towards the table, catching your head in his hand which caused Hana to let out a quiet “aww”.

“Next time, call me. I can try and make a sleep potion for you, if you want, you know.” Renjun informed, making you look up at him and let out a faint “Please”.

“Aww, you two are so cute!” Chenle said, sitting down next to Hana while pointing between you and Renjun. 

“I gotta admit, I would have bet that you two would be together by now, considering how much time you spend together.” Hana admitted while eating her breakfast.

Before you could say anything, Jeno and Jisung sat down at your table, both saying a quick “Good morning” before eating their breakfast. 

“Are werewolves really that quiet?” Hana asked “It’s not their fault they have nothing interesting to say.” Chenle teased, making both of the wolves glare at him. 

“Need I remind you that my bite is basically lethal to your kind.” Jisung warned. 

“Eh? Is it?” Jeno asked, shocked “You see, if a vampire bites a werewolf, the werewolf might become a hybrid, if treated properly, of course. But if a werewolf bites a vampire? R.i.p, man.” Renjun explained.

“What about witches then?” Jeno asked, mimicking your confusion from when you first got here, but luckily for Jeno (and you), Renjun always had an answer regarding the supernatural.

“That’s just kinky.” Chenle said right as Renjun was going to answer.

“Hit the back of his head for me, will ya, Hana?” Renjun asked as Hana smiled and did as she was told, despite Chenle protesting. 

“If a vampire bites a witch, the witch can turn into a vampire, but will lose all of their witch powers. As for werewolves, there are no cases to go from, so we don’t know. Mainly because, us, witches, are smart enough not to mess with a werewolf.” Renjun explained. 

“As for a witch biting someone, that’s just kinky.” Renjun added, making Jeno nod before Chenle laughed.

“Morning, fellow idiots.” Jaemin announced before sitting next to Renjun, across from Jeno. 

“You do realize you just called yourself an idiot, right?” Jeno asked “He’s very aware at his stupidity.” Haechan answered as he, too, sat down at the table. 

“Is thi-” “At this school, everyone knows everyone, the longer you sit at a table, the more people will join.” Renjun answered before Jeno even got to finish his question. 

“How are you so smart?” You asked, taking the words right out of Jeno’s mouth. 

“Witches just happen to be superior.” Haechan answered for him, making Renjun just point at Haechan, as a way to confirm. 

“Hey!” Chenle yelled. 

“It’s a known fact. Werewolves go nuts at a big white circle in the sky and vampires go feral when they see red liquid, we’re the only ones with a fully functioning brain. No offence.” Renjun explained, causing the young vampire to pout. 

The rest of breakfast, Renjun, Haechan and Jisung all tried their best to introduce the school to Jeno as Jaemin, Hana and Chenle argued discussed about which blood type was the sweetest.

You? You just tried to decipher your dreams as best as you could. You remember the man’s mouth spelling out R repeatedly. 

R. 

R. 

What the hell did that mean? At first you thought it would mean Renjun, but you brushed that idea off, not understanding what he would have to do with your dreams. 

Ripper? 

What would a blood-thirsty vampire with their humanity switched off have to do with it? Why was he even mouthing the letter R?

You heard Hana say something about there only being 5 minutes left till class starts, so everyone tried to clean up as fast as possible, but you took your time, not wanting to rush. With almost everyone gone, Renjun decided to finally do it. 

“I know we’re friends, but I was wondering, if maybe, possibly, you’d wanna go to the Beltane ball with me?” Renjun asked, looking straight into your eyes. 

“I’d love to.” You said, smiling at him before taking your bag off the chair. You didn’t even notice Haechan almost drop his plate, Jaemin’s eyes widening or Jeno’s quiet what. 

You weren’t quite sure why you agreed so fast, why you agreed at all, in the first place. Maybe it was because you wanted to go with a friend for the first time, not having to worry about all the romantic stuff.

Or that’s what you kept telling yourself that. It’s not like you had feelings. It’s not like you COULD have feelings. You told Jeno you’re not ready yesterday, and you weren’t, so why did you keep telling your heart to stop beating so fast?

“All done.” Hana said as she finished styling your hair. 

“Switch.” You said as she went to sit down and you stood up to do her hair. 

“And this is why I’m asking Minsoo to do my hair with a spell. I have zero patience for that.” Jisoo commented from her seat. 

“Oh shut up, not all of us have a witch brother we can bully into doing our hair.” Hana whined.

You were all in your dresses already, as the Beltane Ball starts in less than half an hour. Hana wore an orange strapless dress, Jisoo a blue wrap dress, where as you wore a red halter dress. Considering none of you wanted to be stepping on your dresses all night, they were all to your knees, as the school’s dress-code required. 

“By the way, Renjun is really lucky if he has you as his date.” Jisoo commented.

“Thanks, but we’re just friends.” You said, looking at her with a smile before continuing to do Hana’s hair. 

“Sure.” Hana commented before slightly turning towards Jisoo “And also, you should feel lucky too, look at how hot YOUR date is.” Hana added, pointing at her face. 

“You look amazing, babe, yes, we get it.” Jisoo teased before going back to the topic of you and Renjun.

You weren’t really shocked when you heard Jisoo and Hana started dating, they had been dropping hints of liking each other for a while now, so it was more of a matter of when. 

Besides, it’s not like you didn’t notice Jisoo sleeping over at Hana’s room or Hana hanging out at your room more than she did at hers. 

You were happy for them, but you did warn them that 1) if Jisoo hurts Hana, you will hurt Jisoo and 2) if you catch them doing anything, you will throw up on the spot. Seeing your childhood best friend making out with your roommate wasn’t really on your bucket list.

“There is no me and Renjun. We’re friends! Friends who are going to the ball together! Like Jisung and Chenle!” You said. 

“Yeah, right. I’ve seen how you look at each other.” Hana commented, making you lightly slap her arm. 

“Ouch!” She said in a dramatic tone. “We look at each other like friends do! Besides, I’m not ready for a relationship.” You said, trying to convince yourself more than them. 

After you finished getting ready, and having to hear Minsoo whine about how he could be doing something better with his time, you all made your way to the dining hall. 

You stared at the decorations in awe, before reminding yourself that this school has witches, who probably did all of this in less than 5 minutes. You noticed Jeno and Haechan walking towards you and the others and oh boy. 

If you weren’t over him before, you sure are now. His suit fit his body perfectly, his hair was styled to perfection, his whole being looked way to ethereal for you to be okay. What you didn’t expect was for your attention to be on Haechan as well. 

He always looked good, of course he did, and of course you knew, but there was something about seeing him like that, it made you feel something. You tried to get those thoughts out of your head as you were here with Renjun, as friends, but still.

“Where are Ren and Jaem?” Haechan asked when he got to you. “Don’t know, figured they were with you.” Hana answered. 

“Isn’t Jaemin with Mr Hwang? I heard they were bringing in some last minute blood deliveries.” Jeno reminded everyone. 

“That still doesn’t answer where Renjun is.” Jisoo reminded. 

“It’s fine, I’m sure he’ll show up, he’s probably just fashionably late.” You said, trying to again, convince yourself more than others.

As the ball went on, there was still no sign of Renjun. You lost count at how many glasses of the kids’ champagne (as that was the only champagne Mr Hwang allowed) you drank. 

You watched as almost everyone danced and wondered how long it had been. Hana and Jisoo even offered to dance with you, so you “wouldn’t be missing out”, but you refused, not wanting to ruin their date. 

“Renjun’s a no show?” You heard Jeno’s voice from behind you as he sat down next to you “Apparently not.” You answered, looking down at your feet. 

“I knew we were coming here as friends, I didn’t expect much, but I did expect him to show up.” You said, downing another glass of the kids’ champagne.

”Well, I’m here so if you want to dance.” Jeno offered “As friends. I promise I won’t try anything.” He added, holding his pinky up. You smiled, locking your pinkies together before dragging him onto the dance floor. 

As if on cue, the first slow song in like 15 minutes played, causing both of you to look down blushing before he regained his courage and pulled you closer. As you slow danced on the dance floor, you got reminded of how good of a dancer he was. 

There was just something about how he carried himself when dancing. You tried your hardest not to blush at his hand on you back or at his eyes staring deep into yours. You felt like you were the only two in that room. 

But not from Jaemin and Haechan’s point of views. Jaemin cursed at himself for not being able to sweep you off your feet when he heard that Renjun ditched while Haechan tried his best to convince himself he wasn’t jealous. 

“Look at them, all lovey dovey. Didn’t he fuck up once already? I should be the one saving the day, not that puppy.” Jaemin groaned. 

“Calm down there, blood sucker.” Haechan laughed, trying to hide his own jealousy and focus on Jaemin’s. 

“And to think, you two species really fight over everything, even girls.” Haechan teased. 

“Yeah, well, she’s not just any girl. She’s-” “Oh, please, spare me the cheesy stuff, I’m not in the mood. We get it, she’s special, but come on, loosen up a bit, they’re dancing, that doesn’t mean they are getting back together.” he cut off the vampire, who only let out a groan. 

“I hope you’re right.” Jaemin said, watching as Jeno twirled you on the dance floor.

“For the last time, I’m not gonna tell you where she is.” Renjun groaned. 

“Then I’m just gonna have to wait for you to break.” The man said. 

“Which I’m not gonna.” Renjun snapped back, smirking. 

“You think this is funny?” The man asked “A little.” Renjun answered.

“Fine, I’ll go and find her myself, besides, it won’t be long till they notice you’re gone and they come to find you. When they do, they’ll lead me straight to y/n.” The man smiled from under his hood. 

“What’s with you anyway? Who are you? Why do you want her? Are you the creep from her dreams?” Renjun asked. 

“I’m the one who asks the questions, lover boy.” He answered. “Night night.” He said before exiting the room. 

Renjun sighed, knowing that y/n probably hates him now, since she thinks he bailed on her. 

“I’ll get out of here and I’ll explain everything, please just be patient.” He sighed.

A/N: So....that happened....lots of spoilers in this one tho, btw.....just sayin....what do u think abt nahyuck’s conversation about jeno x y/n (psssst, this question is lowkey a spoiler)? and did you really think renjun would ditch y/n?

i’m super curious of what ya’ll think so pls tell me, reblog, comment, message, dm, anything, i wanna know what ya’ll think so...

Also lots of spoilers in this one but also lots of magic 101 from Renjun so there’s that

[fragmentedink-archived]

Hell to Pay: Chapter Thirty-Four

I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, XV, XVI, IX, IX, XX, XXI, XXII, XXIII, XIV, XV, XVI, XVII, XVIII, XVIIII, XXX, XXXI, XXXII, XXXIII

cowritten by @lux-scriptum​

A/N: Trigger warning for grief, excessive violence, heavy drugs, implied sex for drugs, just nik being :/

The can of gasoline hit the sidewalk with a dull thud. Amara tipped her chin up, glaring at nothing in particular. This was long overdue, but Cameron had gone and stolen her thunder, burning his club down first. Still, if she was going to stay sober, she needed some sort of outlet. So. Gasoline.

Amara turned around and unloaded the second can. She lugged it up the path, and pushed her way inside Lev’s old house. The stains on the floor, both old and new, damn near made her see red. Swallowing the bile that rose up, she started in the bedroom. This was her second trip, and she’d wasted too much in the bathroom and kitchen. She was impatient; she wanted this over, and this awful reminder of every awful thing that had happened to her cousin deserved to be burned to the fucking ground.

The second can went around the living room, and then she backed out the door. The smell of gasoline followed her. For a long moment she stared in the house, more than just the acrid scent making her throat tighten.

It was overkill but she stood there and lit every match in the box she’d bought, flicking them into the house one by one until they were gone. Only when she turned away did she notice the car idling. She stared down the sedan for a full minute before she shoved her hands in her jacket pockets and headed over.

Sorin lowered the window, frowning up at her. “Arson’s illegal, you know.”

“Do I look like I give a flying fuck?” Amara leaned over. “No one lives near here anymore, and following laws is low on my priority list.”

“Noted,” Cyrus said, turning off his car. “Why did you ask us to meet you here?”

“You were on my way. I want to discuss what you owe me.”

“Amara,” Cyrus said, voice even. “I’m not going to kill anyone for you.”

“I’m not going to ask that of you. I can kill anyone I need on my own.” She straightened. “We’ll talk at my apartment.”

She hopped on her bike, gunned the engine, and took off without bothering to see if they'd follow.

---

Nik had been wandering the streets of the Obsidian Court for gods knew how long. He didn’t quite care either way. Cameron was off doing Cameron things and he managed to slip loose of Ash’s leash, and now he was free to wander.

It didn’t take him long to find the darker parts of the city, especially when this entire city was filled with monsters of varying lethality. It definitely wasn’t hard to find dealers, however, it was hard to find a dealer who would deal to him.

Fucking Cameron.

Nik finally found one in a dive, sitting in a back booth smoking and looking at his phone. It hadn’t taken much to sit down across from him. Even if Nik’s wings weren’t showing, the demon’s silver eyes were well aware of the fact Nik was an angel. “Well, you look like shit,” he observed, mildly.

“Hm, I imagine I do,” Nik said. “Hangovers.”

The demon’s mouth tilted and he put down his phone. “You’re wanting to buy.”

“Was it that obvious?” Nik asked, leaning back. “I got the cash.” Cameron’s cash, but still.

The demon leveled him a look, mirroring Nik as he leaned into his booth. The way he looked Nik over, almost curiosity more than anything else. “And if I don’t want your money?” he asked.

“I mean, I can suck your cock,” Nik replied. “I got the skills for that, too.”

“Oh I’m sure you do,” the demon said. “But what if I said I didn’t want your mouth?”

Nik felt a smile tilt up on his face and he arched a brow. “I have an ass,” he said.

The demon snorted. “Never fucked an angel,” he mused. “I think I can make the trade.”

“Poor you,” Nik said. “Luckily I can help. Provided you give me what I want.”

“Oh I will,” he said, “However. I feel like I should tell you that this product is aimed at demonic biologies. It could quite possibly kill you- and I am not so sure that I want Cameron Luain showing up on my doorstep because his cockwarmer decided to overdose on demonic drugs.”

“Hm,” Nik mused. “That does sound like a pickle, doesn’t it.”

“So you better make the fuck worth it.”

---

Cyrus parked the car and looked over at Sorin. “You going to behave?” he asked, still gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“I don’t like how she roped you into this,” Sorin muttered petulantly.

“I agreed,” Cyrus replied mildy. “I could have said no.”

“I don’t like it,” Sorin insisted, and got out of the car with a huff. Cyrus had to jog to catch up with him, grabbing his wrist. Sorin glared at the ground, baring his fangs at nothing, before adding, “But fine, best behavior.”

Cyrus held onto Sorin for an extra moment, waiting until Sorin looked up to let go. By the time he finished crossing the parking lot, Amara was already stomping up the stairs. She’s in a wonderful mood, Cyrus mused drly, taking the lead rather than have Sorin on her heels.

By the time they got upstairs to her open doo, Amara was already kicking the two people on her couch out of the apartment. Sorin all but jumped back from the curly haired blonde man, despite having a solid inch on him. Cyrus tried not to purse his lips, and held the door for the petite ginger who followed, discreetly wiping her face as she passed.

Tension lined Amara’s body, drawing her taut as a bowstring as she watched them. “Well?” She finally bit out. “Sit.”

Cyrus wrapped his hand around Sorin’s wrist, and tugged him down onto the couch before Sorin could get bitchy. Rather than sit herself, Amara started pacing back and forth. “You wanted to discuss what spell you wanted from me?” Cyrus finally prompted.

“Is it possible to bring back the dead?” Amara asked with abrupt bluntness.

“I beg your pardon?” Cyrus asked. Beside him, Sorin had gone stiff as a board. “Back from the- you can’t be serious.”

“Deadly serious. Is. It. Possible?”

“Not that I know of,” Cyrus said. He sat back. “But-” He hesitated.

“But what? What exactly would stop you from bringing my cousin back?” Amara demanded, stopping to fix him with a look so fierce Sorin growled beside him.

A thud on the door broke their staring contest before Cyrus could figure out how to word what he wanted. A moment later a very clearly inebriated angel stumbled through the doorway.

“Demon. Goth boyfriend.”

Cyrus assumed those were greetings of a sort, because they were immediately dismissed in favor of Amara.

“I’ve got drugs. Wanna get high?” He waved said drugs in Amara’s direction to prove it.

Amara scowled. “No. I’m busy, and I’m still pissed at you.”

The angel squinted at her. “Are you sober?” He somehow managed to sound accusatory and confused at the same time.

“Sober as a priest during mass,” she replied. “Is that all you want, Nik? If so you can go.”

Nik continued to stare at her. Even Cyrus was getting uncomfortable by the time Nik said, “Are you pregnant?”

“No,” Amara said shortly. “I’m not. Unlike some people, I know how to cope with death.”

What, with necromancy? Cyrus thought, but he kept that to himself.

They all watched Nik saunter across the room. “Do you want to be?” He all but slurred, leaning in close as he slid his hand under her shirt.

Without hesitation she twisted his wrist, grabbed the scruff of his neck, and slammed his face in the coffee table. He dropped like a rock and lay on the floor. After staring at him for a moment, she crouched and checked to see if he was breathing.

“I didn’t mean to hit him that hard,” she said mildly, sitting back on her heels. “Give me a minute, I have a phone call to make.”

Sorin and Cyrus exchanged a look as she pulled her phone out.

---

She should have been less hasty to react, and she knew it. Nik was grieving, and she had no intentions of telling him what she was trying to do. Fuck him, especially after calling her a liar and blaming Lev’s death on her.

Cameron picked up immediately, like he knew she was going to call. He probably did, too. “Come get your brat,” she said in place of a greeting. “I knocked him out after he offered to knock me up.”

“I don’t think he can get it up,” was all Cameron said. “Don’t kill him.”

The phone call ended with a decisive click.

“Bastard,” she muttered, standing. She looked Sorin and Cyrus over, and said, “We’re just gonna have to wait until Cameron comes to pick up Nik. Use that time wisely, witch, and think about your answer.”

She proceeded to spend the next thirty minutes with her arms crossed as she slouched in the armchair, glaring at the door until Cameron deigned to show up. She knew damn well it took half that amount of time to get there even if you followed the rules of the road.

The first thing Cameron did when he walked in the door was to look right at the witch and demon seated awkwardly on her couch. The witch met his stare steadily, not blinking, which... Amara had to give credit where credit was due. A lesser man would have broken eye contact, or at least squirmed. Cyrus simply waited calmly for Cameron’s attention to turn elsewhere.

The suspicion in Cameron’s gaunt face when he looked to her finally didn’t sway her from her stony silence. Eventually Cameron scooped Nik up. “Thanks for babysitting him. I’ll be sure to pay you.”

Amara lifted her chin just a little, just out of pure stubbornness. She didn’t owe him a goddamn thing, least of all this. She washed her hands of owing him anything when she gave him Lev’s ashes.

Silence reigned in the apartment for a full five minutes before Cyrus spoke up.

“It might be possible. With a heavy emphasis on might.” Cyrus leaned forward. “Ignoring the fact you’re asking me to break the very laws of nature, this has never been done before. Never, in the history of angelkind, demonkind, or humankind. No one has managed to bring back the dead.”

“My family has a reputation for beating the odds,” Amara replied flatly. “Figure it out.”

“Circling back, and not ignoring it, you’re asking me to break the laws of nature. Do you not understand what a witch is?”

Amara narrowed her eyes. “I know exactly what a witch is, and that’s why I’m asking you right now.”

“And why do you get to bring someone back?” Cyrus challenged. “Who says he wants to come back? DId you consider any of this? I get you’re grieving, but wedging that door open is not a reversible act. What’s to stop anyone else from doing the same thing?”

“Not my problem,” Amara snarled. Despite that, she looked away. “I don’t care about the rest,” she said finally. “But- we’ll ask him. Before. I know someone who can see ghosts.”

Cyrus sighed, and when she looked up, he was rubbing his temples tiredly. “Again, I don’t even know if it’s possible-”

“Then find out,” Amara said, and even she could hear the desperation in her voice. “Please. I have to try. He was- he was just starting to be happy, and I let him get murdered.” She swallowed, hardened her tone again. “I can describe it for you. What that demon did to him. He didn’t deserve it.”

Cyrus’ stupid stare didn’t waver, even if beside him Sorin had his head down and his fists clenched. Finally Cyus said, “I can look into it. I’ll do my best to figure it all out. I promised you a spell, and I’ll do everything in my power to find it. But this does not get out. I don’t want people lining up at my door to find out how I raised the dead, if it even is possible.” Cyrus paused, long enoughs he thought he wouldn’t go on. His hand found hers, and she couldn’t bring herself to shake him off. “Before I agree to do the spell, I want to talk to him myself. Either through a seance, or through your friend. And... are you sure he’s a ghost? I won’t be able to do anything if he’s moved beyond.”

“Lev’ll stay. Nik’s a wreck. I know him too well. He’s here somewhere. Crying, if ghosts can even cry.”

Cyrus nodded slowly. “I'll do my best,” he promised, and stood. “Is there anything else you need?”

Amara shook her head. She waited for Cyrus to gently pull Sorin to his feet and herd the demon out the door with an arm around his shoulder before she lowered her head in her hands. She’d done all she could for now. It didn’t feel like enough.

---

Cameron dropped the stone cold unconscious omega back at home, ordering the sentries to make sure he did not leave his house and could not get to the alcohol. He called Ash and told him to come babysit as well before he went back to Amara’s shitty apartment.

He hadn’t bothered knocking on the door and walked inside. Amara was sitting with her head in her hands and Cameron had the feeling she had been sitting like that for a while. “That can’t possibly be good for your back,” he said, mildly.

“Like you care,” Amara said, in a muted sort of tone.

“I don’t,” Cameron said. “What was the witch doing here.”

Amara finally bothered to look up at him. “Doing me a favor.” When Cameron didn’t say anything, she said, “He’s going to try to bring Lev back.”

The only reaction Cameron gave her was furrowing his brows. “And what makes you think that any of us have the right to play with life like that. We trade in death, our hands are too dirty for this.”

“I take what I want.”

“I know plenty of people who take what they want,” Cameron said, coolly. “Doesn’t mean any of you have the right to alter the laws of nature. Then again, you are a hypocrite.”

Amara stared at him with a blank tone that he chose to ignore. “He didn’t deserve that. We should have done better.”

“He didn’t,” Cameron said. “And we should have. But he got it and we didn’t. We live with our choices.”

“I won’t. And you can’t stop me.”

“I’m sure I could,” Cameron said, mildly, sliding his hands into his pockets.

“But you won’t. You miss him too and Nik’s a wreck. I’ll take the consequences.”

“And what about the consequences your cousin will face if brought back from the dead? Surely you don’t think he will be symptom free from necromancy.”

“I’ll figure it out,” she said. “It can’t be any worse than him watching the three of us flounder. You know he is.”

“And you’re so sure about that?” he asked dryly. “I hadn’t realized you were so well versed in the arts of bringing back the dead.”

“Then fine,” she said. “I’m a selfish bitch and I want him back. And I don’t care about anything else.”

“Well. At least you’re self aware. And what would you do if your plan doesn’t work? I’m sure you wouldn’t be happy with your witch’s failure in resurrection. Considering his magic would be derived from the very nature you plan on breaking.”

“Then at least I tried,” she said, her tone too hoarse for his taste.

“Have you considered what the ginger is going to have to say about this?”

“If Ash didn’t want me fucking with the laws of nature then he should have saved Lev when he had the chance.”

Considering Ash’s magic, his very being was tied to Nature, Cameron was sure Ash had plenty to say on the matter, and if he cared, he might consider telling him. But instead he said, “Does your witch have any idea of how to do it?”

“No,” she admitted. “He just said he’d try and figure it out.”

“How reassuring,” Cameron deadpanned.

Amara seemed tired when she said, “Fuck you.”

“Did you consider that I might have had information to give you regarding this idiotic idea of yours?”

Amara sighed. “No. I didn’t want to think about you; I don’t owe you anything.”

“Going to be hard resurrecting your cousin if you lack the key ingredients, don’t you think?” Cameron said. Even with the reading he had done, it didn’t take a genius to piece together the fact Lev’s ashes were probably going to be required.

Amara rubbed at her face. “I’d cross that bridge when I got to it. We’re still trying to figure out if it’s even possible.”

“Does anyone know? Besides you, the witch and his demon?” Did you idiotically tell Nik.

Amara shook her head. “Cin knows. He doesn’t approve either.” She looked up, leveling him a look. “I don’t owe Nik anything.”

Cameron lifted a brow. “Trouble in paradise? Are you saying Nik is no longer your best friend. I’m sure he will be hurt at the revelation.”

“He told me Lev’s death was my fault because I introduced you. As if you both didn’t make Lev the happiest he’d ever been in the 137 years he was alive.”

“Lev’s death is my fault,” Cameron said, flatly. “No one elses.”

“Fuck you. It’s Destris’ and we both know it.”

Cameron didn’t give her the satisfaction of a blink. “I’ll let you think that,” he said, coolly. He moved over to the coffee table and dropped the bottle of whiskey next to her. “Your payment.”

“I don’t want it. Take it back. I’m sober.”

“Not for long,” Cameron said, already turning around and walking out the door. He pulled out his phone, looking at the time and map. He had the feeling the witch and his lover lived in demonic territory somewhere.

----

Cyrus ran his fingers through Sorin’s curls, stifling a sigh. Reopening old wounds hadn’t been the point of seeking out Amara all those weeks ago. The conversation about Fax this afternoon, as soon as they’d gotten home, had taken a lot out of both of them. The look on Sorin’s face when Cyrus had gently pointed out Fax had moved on months before haunted Cyrus.

For the last hour Sorin had just lain there with his head in Cyrus’ lap. Cyrus had let him, giving him time to process and grieve all over again. Two steps forward, one step back. As always.

Cyrus’ wardings warned him right before Cameron stepped through the front door. The demon settled in Sorin’s armchair, crossing one knee over the other without so much as a greeting. “So. You want to bring back my omega from the dead.”

“Want is a bit of a stretch,” Cyrus replied, keeping his arm on top of Sorin to keep him from sitting up. “Coerced into it is a more accurate description. But yes, I will be attempting it.”

Cameron looked at him for the longest time before saying, “Why? I’m sure you could defend yourself from Amara just fine. And if not, you boyfriend can.”

Cyrus inclined his head. “I could,” he agreed. “But I made a promise, and I intend to keep it. I made the mistake of keeping that promise open ended, and I won’t be making that mistake again. At the time it seemed worth it, for Sorin’s sake.” He dragged his fingers through Sorin’s curls again, and Sorin hid his face against Cyrus’ thigh in response.

Cameron leaned back. “I thought witches had morals.”

“We do.” Cyrus arched a brow. “Just because they don’t line up with what you expect doesn’t mean I don't have them.”

“Oh, I don’t have morals,” Cameron said. “However, you answer to a higher power than me.”

“I expect this spell will have a hefty price,” Cyrus said. “I know I’ll be breaking the laws of nature. If I can even manage it. Nature will demand something in return. Amara will have to decide if she’s willing to pay that price. Though I’m sure she’ll not care what the price is.”

“No she does not,” was all Cameron said. Eventually he said, “And what about the price Lev will have to pay?”

Cyrus closed his eyes, grimacing. He only opened them when he knew what to say. “Part of my conditions for bringing Lev back is ensuring I minimize whatever cost there is for him. And he has to agree to it. I’m not yanking him back into this life if he doesn’t want to come. No one deserves that. If I can’t promise both of those with the spell I create, then I will not perform it, and Amara will have to live with that. You all will.”

“Are you prepared for that kind of blood on your hands?” Cameron asked.

Cyrus considered that too. He couldn’t not. Every time he thought about what he had to do, he had to face that truth all over again. “I don’t know,” he finally replied. “I’ll have to decide when the time comes.”

“And that will be your price.”

“I know,” Cyrus said softly. “It’s a lot to pay, for one omega.”

The blank look on Cameron’s face didn’t go away, even as he stared at Cyrus. Seconds stretched into minutes, until Cameron said, “You don’t even know him.”

“No,” Cyrus said. “I don’t. “But Sorin’s cousin did.” He could feel Sorin tense underneath him. “We’ve been meaning to come talk to you about him, as soon as Sorin was ready.”

Cameron’s pale gaze shifted to Sorin. “Well? Are you ready?”

Slowly, Sorin sat up, fingers clenching into fists as he stared right back at Cameron. “I don’t think I’ll ever be,” Sorin said. “But Levant is the reason Fax was killed. I want to know what he was like. Why Fax loved him enough to get killed for him.”

Cyrus could see Cameron thinking. “He cared. Too much. He was afraid, too much.”

“So Fax wanted a mirror,” Sorin said bitterly, mostly to himself.

“What else did you want to know?” Cameron asked.

“Everything that comes to mind is not something you could answer,” Sorin replied. The temperature in the room spiked as grief showed plain on his face. Cyrus put a hand on his shoulder gently, and it settled, somewhat. Sorin swallowed hard, and added a quiet, “But thank you. At least I know that.”

Cameron inclined his head ever so slightly, giving Sorin a mild, “You’re welcome,” before returning his attention to Cyrus. “How exactly are you planning on bringing Lev back from the dead.”

Cyrus pushed down his annoyance. “I don’t know yet. I haven’t even begun my research. Amara only told me what she wanted two hours ago, and I’ve yet to have a chance to figure out where to start. I may need another witch to help me, and the whole process could take months. There’s no way of telling this early.” He spun one of his many rings, thinking about it. “I’m assuming you’re going to want progress reports.”

“Yes,” Cameron said shortly, and then added, “Do you know any witches?”

“None I’m particularly fond of. Or trust,” Cyrus admitted. “Again. I haven’t had nearly enough time to sit down and plan this all out. I’m not going to dive into this head first.”

Cameron stood up, looking at the black and silver watch on his wrist. “Well. If you would like my resources, let me know.”

With that, he was gone, not bothering to shut the door behind him. Cyrus sighed, flicking it shut with a brief spell, and then leaned back, dropping his head on the back of the couch. Sorin resumed his place in his lap, sighing as well.

“You shouldn’t have agreed to that spell,” Sorin muttered. “Now we have Cameron fucking Luian barging in our house.

“I know,” Cyrus replied dryly. “Believe me. I know.”

----

Cameron spent the drive home mulling over the witch’s words, and Amara’s words. And his own words. He thought about the possibilities and the consequences of bastardizing the balance of forces outside of any of their control.

He assumed Lev would want to come back, just because Lev wanted to piece together Nik again. It only made sense, seeing as how the angel tried putting everyone back together besides himself.

Cameron made his way back to the house after parking the car, snow crunching under his shoes as he walked inside. The sentries didn’t move an inch while Cameron walked down the hallway to the bedroom where he could smell the angels.

Nik was indeed still passed out cold on the bed where Cameron had left him. Ash was stewing in his corner in the chair, heat radiating off him as his glowing green eyes snapped onto Cameron. He got up from his chair and came over to Cameron. “Your house reeks and you owe me for once again babysitting him because you can’t be bothered to deal with the mess you got him into.”

“Well I do appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule,” Cameron said, mildly. “I’ll make sure you’re paid.”

“I don’t want your money,” Ash snapped, storming around him.

“How about information?” Cameron said, getting Ash to stop dead in his tracks at the doorway. “I’m sure you’d be pressed to learn that Amara plans on bastardizing nature.”

Ash slowly turned around and looked at him. “Excuse me?” Ash asked, in a softness that had Cameron’s brow arching.

“You might want to pay her a visit,” Cameron said, hands sliding into his pockets. “She wants to have Levant brought back from the dead.”

Ash stared through him, eyes hard and sharp and cutting into him. Cameron waited for him to say something, to start shouting or to light something on fire, seeing as how he could feel the heat curling in the air. But Ash turned on his heel and disappeared out of the room.

-----

Ash drove straight from Cameron’s house to Amara’s shitty apartment building. He had his magic going full force, keeping his eyesight crystal clear as he started from the parking lot to her apartment. He hadn’t bothered shutting off the car or knocking on her door before barging into her apartment.

Amara was staring at a bottle of whiskey on her table, and he could tell she had been staring for quite some time. “Well I clearly cannot blame this idea on alcohol soaked desperation.” His magic wilted at the mere thought of someone being bought back from the dead.

Amara hadn’t bothered looking up at him. “I haven’t had anything to drink since he died.”

“So you finally curb booze in order to have necromancy performed?”

“Yaaaay,” she said, in the most unimpressive deadpan tone Ash had ever heard. “Got it in one.”

“This is pathetic,” Ash said. “You’re pathetic. You do not hold a monopoly on grief. You do not get to decide who gets to die and who gets to come back. You have absolutely no fucking right to bend the laws of nature to fill your own grief.”

She looked him dead in the eye. “You make it sound like I care.”

“Oh I don’t give a shit if you care or not,” Ash said. “You need to learn to handle your grief like a damned adult instead of turning your cousin into the undead. We all have lost someone,” Ash said. He had watched his entire family being slaughtered in front of him. He had never once considered fucking necromancy to bring them back. “Lev will pay the price for this. Nature will have its balance and it’ll come right out of him.”

“Cyrus will figure it out.”

Well, Ash would have to add another idiot to the list, then. “And who is Cyrus? Someone you conned into enabling your stupid plan?”

“A little bit yeah; didn’t exactly give him an out.”

“A witch?” She stared at him blankly. When she didn’t elaborate, and her blood pressure altered, Ash said. “A witch, then.”

“Who else would be able to do that kind of magic?” she said. “A stupid question.”

“Well,” Ash said, “As far as I could know you conned some angel or demon into breaking even more laws of nature. Seeing as how I am connected to nature, you bitch. So yes, someone else would be able to do that kind of magic.”

Amara gave him a thoughtful look. “Noted. If Cyrus can’t, then I’ll go to someone else.”

Ash’s magic tore through him. He wrapped flames around her neck. “You know,” he mused, “I really could have you not.”

“You say that like I haven’t been suicidal my entire life,” she said.

“Yeah? Well get in line.” He tightened the flames, but didn’t let them burn her. “Like I said, you do not own a monopoly on grief. You are not the only person who wished they were dead at sixteen years old.” Bay flickered in his mind. “And you are not the only one who has not outgrown suicidal ideation. You aren’t special.”

“I don’t care,” she said. “I’m tired of watching Nik. And I’m tired of watching Cameron pretend he’s not hurting too. They’re both ticking time bombs.”

She made it sound like Cameron hadn’t been a ticking time bomb for the last five hundred years. She made it sound like Nik hadn’t been trying to kill himself for the last nineteen years either. “Then get them in therapy,” Ash said, evenly. “This will just put a bandaid on it.”

She laughed at him. “You’re not going to convince me. The only one who could is Lev himself. But thanks for giving me the mental image of Cam and Nik in therapy.”

His magic felt like acid in his veins. It- it wanted him to push further, to make her not do this. “I could kill you,” Ash said. “No convincing involved.”

She watched him steadily. “You make it seem like you didn’t know the moment you met me that I was a selfish bitch who would do anything to get what I want.” She closed her eyes. “Kill me, if you really feel like it's necessary. Not like I can stop you.”

No, you really couldn’t, Ash thought. The temptation he had- he could feel the sharp sweetness of blood in his mouth. The hard pounding in his head definitely didn’t help matters either. But he snuffed out the flames. “I don’t kick a downed dog,” he finally said. “But I will stop you.”

Before she could even respond, if she even would respond, Ash turned back around and stalked out of her apartment. The way he slammed the front door echoed through the entire building, chasing him back to his car.

Tagging:  @idreamonpaper @incandescent-creativity @solangelo3088 @halstudies @alittleyellowdinosaur @mis-lil-red

[mamthew]

A Final Fantasy Ranking

Over the course of the quarantine, and because I had such a good time with the Final Fantasy VII Remake, I've ended up blazing through a ton of Final Fantasy games. Since April, I've played IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XII, and XIII. 6, 7, 9, and 10 I'd beaten before. 4, 12, and 13 I'd played to some capacity before. 5 and 8 were completely new experiences. I had no interest in going further back than IV, since it was the first one to really put any effort into character work, and I didn't play either MMO because MMOs don't really appeal to me (I'm planning to try XIV whenever this new update drops that makes the story mode more accessible, but it keeps getting pushed back so oh well). I also didn't replay XV because I've played XV three times and watched other people play it in its entirety twice, so I have a much better handle on it than any other game in the series.

Anyway, I didn't really have any plans for what I'd do with this, besides get a better understanding of the series as a whole, but I was kinda inspired to do my own Final Fantasy ranking. I'll probably be a bit more detailed than I should be because I tend to overanalyze my media and end up having too much to say. I’m actually not placing VII Remake in this ranking half because I regard it as a spinoff and half because it’s not yet a complete story, even though Part 1 is unquestionably a complete game. If I were to put it somewhere, it would probably be close to the top, possibly even in second place. Also worth noting that this is gonna have SPOILERS for every game I discuss here. I really just wanna use this as a place to nail down some of my thoughts on these games, so they’re pretty stream of consciousness and I didn’t bother avoiding any details from the plots.

10: Final Fantasy VIII.

I don’t think there’s another game in the series with a more obvious corporate hand in it than VIII. It’s kinda the Fant4stic of FF games; there are the bones of a substantive game in there somewhere, but every aspect of the game is such a bald attempt at checking off a 1999 list of “things gamers want” that the whole affair feels hollow and sickening. A major trend I’ve noticed throughout this series is the extent to which FFVII’s success pushed the architects of almost every subsequent game to try to recapture whatever it was that worked about VII, and VIII got the worst of it. It’s got the sullen guy with a special sword. It’s got the sci-fi. It’s got the terrorists with hearts of gold fighting against an oppressive state. It’s got the train scenes. It’s got the case(s) of amnesia that hides the true premise of the story. It’s got the ability to give any character any loadout.

Besides that, they kinda crammed in just a bunch of stuff popular with kids at the time. Jurassic Park? It’s in there. Beauty and the Beast? Here’s the ballroom scene. Hunchback of Notre Dame? Here’s that carnival. Alien? Now you’re alone on a spaceship running away from a horror monster. Saving Private Ryan? The party shares brains with war veterans and dreams of their experiences at war I guess. Half of anime? It’s all about a high school for mercenaries and the party is trying to get back in time for the school festival.  Fandom culture? Zines are a collectible item, and each one you find adds an update to Selphie's Geocities page. It also has astronauts, and transformers, and a haunted castle, and a prison break, and Rome, and Alpine Wakanda, and war crimes, and lion cubs that have attained enlightenment, and there’s almost no connective tissue from one idea to the next.

Also the junction system is convoluted and terrible, using magic makes your stats worse, all enemies level up every time you do, and I couldn’t tell you which character excelled in what stats. The characters were all very flat, and the first time I felt like I was seeing the characters interact in ways that helped me to understand them was in the cutscene that plays during the end credits.

Also the female lead’s role in the story changes entirely with no warning every five hours or so. She’s a terrorist, oh no she’s aristocracy in the country she’s terroristing against, oh no she’s jealous of the others because they grew up together and she didn’t, oh no she’s Sandra Bullock in Gravity, oh no she’s the villain and it’s too dangerous to let her out, oh no it’s actually fine and they were bad for locking her up.

It’s an absolute disaster of a game. However, the music and background art is absolutely beautiful. Maybe they never gave me a good enough reason to be in an evil time traveling haunted castle, but damn is it a gorgeous rendering of an evil time traveling haunted castle.

9: Final Fantasy XII.

I’ve known for years that FFXII had issues in development. The writers came up with a story for it, and execs got scared because there were no young characters and they’d convinced themselves that young protagonists are what makes games sell. So two more characters - Vaan and Penelo - were added, one was framed as the protagonist of the story, and the entire story was rewritten so it could feasibly be from his perspective.

While the two characters they added are egregiously tangential to the plot, XII honestly has no protagonist. The writers originally wanted Basch to be the protagonist, but his entire arc is really just following Ashe around and being sad about his evil twin. Ashe is probably the most important to the story, but doesn’t have much presence for a good chunk of the story, and makes her most character-defining choice offscreen before having it stolen from her by a side character. Balthier has the largest presence in the story, and is most closely related to most of the events of the story, but has pretty much no role in the ending.

Honestly, if I were writing FFXII and told it needed a young protagonist, I would have aged up and expanded the role of Larsa, the brother of the main villain, who shows up as a temporary party member from time to time. The entire game is about family ties, and a journey spotlighting Larsa could have involved his learning about Ashe, Basch, Balthier and Fran’s family situations and using their experiences to grapple with his own. Damn, now I’m sitting here thinking about how good that could have been.

As it is, the game feels disjointed and aimless, and the ending is so bad it’s farcical. When I reached the ending, I watched Basch and Ashe forgive Basch’s evil twin for his villainy rampage, harking back to the moment earlier in the game when Ashe turned down the chance to gain powers that would have allowed her to avenge her country because she realized that those powers could also drive her to hurt innocents in the crossfire. In this moment, I realized how Vaan fit in as the protagonist of the game. “Oh, he’s going to realize that violence begets violence, and that he must break the cycle by forgiving Vayne for the death of his brother. He’s going to let go of that hatred he’s been trying to push onto someone for so long, and it’ll finally allow him to heal.” I realized that even though the road to this point was rocky, the writers had managed to craft a satisfying ending from the seemingly disparate pieces of this uneven plot.

And then Vaan picked up a sword and screamed AAAAAAAAAAA and charged Vayne down and stabbed him, and Vayne turned into a shrapnel robot dragon and exploded all the star wars ships and I threw my controller aside and laughed uncontrollably while my characters beat him up and completed the game on their own without any further input from me.

Oh yeah, the battle system is also incredibly boring. Instead of battling, the player writes up an AI script for each character, then lets them act based on those scripts. I would straight up put the controller down and watch youtube videos whenever a group of enemies showed up. I was pretty excited about the job system, but then there didn’t really feel like much of a difference between jobs, and my characters all behaved pretty much the same as each other.

The hands-off battle system, unfocused story, lethargic voice acting, and tuneless music all left me pretty uninvested in the whole affair. The art style and locations are beautiful, though, and it did make me want to eventually check out some of the Tactics games, which take place in the same universe but are supposed to have excellent stories and gameplay.

8: Final Fantasy XIII.

I’m not sure I’ve ever had two such opposing opinions of a game’s story vs. its gameplay. This game is the only one that plays with a bunch of story elements from FFIX, which did a lot to endear it to me. It’s sort of a game in which the protagonists are Kuja, the villain of IX. Like Kuja, they are created as tools by an uncaring god for the purpose of fighting against one world on behalf of another world, and are subsequently forced to grapple with the horrors of having an artificially shortened lifespan.

The story actually has a lot of Leftist themes, too. The gods of that universe spread ideology among the populace, and the people unquestioningly believe these false stories, as the gods have provided for them for as long as there has been written history. Much of the character arcs center on the characters being forcibly removed from their places within those ideological frameworks and having to unlearn what they’d always believed to be objectively true about the world.

So the story actually is pretty good, but it’s held back by some really clumsy storytelling; it constantly uses undefined jargon, has almost no side characters with which it might flesh out the world, actively fights against players trying to glean information from environmental details, and maintains (at least for me) a weird disconnect between the characters in the gameplay and the characters in the cutscenes. I think this partly stems from Square’s original failed plan for FFXIII to be the first game in a much larger series of games sharing themes and major story details. Despite these issues, however, the characters are all likeable and (mostly) believable, and their interactions are grounded in real emotional weight even while their universe feels intangible.

This all got dragged down by the gameplay, which is total dogshit. It’s got the worst battle system I think I’ve seen in an RPG. The game only stops being doggedly, unflinchingly linear about thirty hours in, the whole game took me about fifty hours, and I spent the last fifteen hours beating my head against each individual battle, waiting until the system hiccuped long enough to accidentally slide me a win. That meant I had about a five hour window of euphoric play, convinced that I actually loved this game, thrilled with every new experience it gave me, and excited to see what would happen next. I guess those five hours are what pushed this game over XII in my ranking.

7: Final Fantasy V.

Until FFXV, this game was the last of the “Warriors of Light” games, in which the game follows a party of four set characters for its entirety. To this day, it’s the last of the “Warriors of Light” games to let the player customize which character holds which roles through the job system.

FFV’s job system is the reason to play the game. Its story is mediocre, and its characters are all fairly flat, but there’s something viscerally satisfying about building party members up in jobs that might enhance the role they ultimately will fill. For my mage character, I maxed out Black Mage, Blue Mage, Mystic Knight, Summoner, and Geomancer. Then at the end, I switched her to a Freelancer with Black Magic and Summoning, and she kept all the passive skills for those jobs and also the highest stats across those jobs.

It was super fun and kind of a shift of focus for me, since I tend to place story above anything else in games. Despite the story not being special, though, the game’s writing is actually a ton of fun. It’s definitely got the most comic relief in the series, and I came away loving Gilgamesh as much as everyone else does.

And while it’s nothing special graphically, it does have some really cool enemy designs, and the final boss design is one of the most memorable ones they’ve ever done. Which is impressive because I keep having to look up Exdeath’s name because the character himself is super forgettable.

6: Final Fantasy IV.

This wasn’t the first game in the series to feature actual characters with names and depth, but I have no interest in playing FFII, so it might as well be. I actually played the DS Remake for this game, so it definitely had some quality of life improvements, like full 3d characters and maps, voice acting, an updated script, the ability to actually see the ATB gauge, and the ability to switch to other characters whose turns are ready without using a turn.

Apparently one thing the remake didn’t do was rebalance the difficulty for more modern sensibilities. Instead, this remake is...harder? It requires more grinding than the original? Why??

Either way, though, the story is actually solid! The game opens on its protagonist, Cecil, committing a war crime on the orders of his king, who raised him as a child. The first ten hours of so of the game follows Cecil as he tries to understand why he was ordered to kill so many innocents, turns his back on his country, and works to redeem himself.

This arc is reinforced by the game mechanics, too, which is super clever. His redemption is marked by a change in job from a Dark Knight to a Paladin, which also resets his level. For a time, his life is considerably harder because he’s finding his footing as a new person, which is marked by battles which had been easy becoming much harder for the player for a time.

This game places storytelling over gameplay more than I think any other game in the series. Each character is locked into a job, which I much prefer in my RPGs to games where characters function pretty much interchangeably. I dunno if it’s because I cut my RPG teeth on Tales, but it really bugs me when I can give Tifa the exact same loadout as Barret. I want the lives of the characters to bleed into their functions as gameplay devices.

However, the developers clearly had a ton of different jobs they wanted to add to their game, but hadn’t figured out how to allow for the player to switch in and out party members in standby. To fix this, they increased the in-battle party to five characters rather than or four (or the later constantly frustrating three), rotated the roster a ton, and had a ton of characters who straight up leave permanently. One character dies and never comes back. Two characters die and only are revived after it’s too late to rejoin the party. Four characters end up too injured to continue traveling.

This let the developers make a ton of jobs, but it doesn’t let the player exploit these jobs to their fullest. Characters’ stats reflect their role in the story, as well. One character is quickly aging out of adventuring, so his magic stats increase on levels, but his attack and defense stats actually decrease, signifying his failing body. Another character has already achieved some form of enlightenment, so he gains no stats when he levels up at all. The purpose of IV is the story, over any other aspect of the game, which makes it even more mindboggling that the remake would have increased the difficulty.

Besides that, the biggest issue I had with this game was the overbearing constant drama of it. While there were a few more lighthearted parts, they were mostly relegated to NPC dialogue and sidequests. The characters in this game don’t become friends so much as they become companions who bonded over shared tragedies, and this makes for quite a few scenes of every character separately wallowing in their own immeasurable sadness. I played FFV directly after this game and the light story and jokey dialogue was a much-needed palette cleanser.

5: Final Fantasy VI.

Before the unexpected success of FFVII irreparably changed the franchise, Square constantly mixed up the story formula for the series. IV, V and VI all handled their stories really differently from each other, and what I remember of III also felt fairly different from the games that came after.

Every game from VII on had a very clear protagonist (except XII, whose botched protagonist was still clearly marketed as the protagonist). The concept of the Dissidia crossover series is built on the idea that every FF has a protagonist at the center of its story. FFVI’s Dissidia character is Terra, but Terra is not the protagonist of FFVI.

Apparently while developing FFVI, the directors decided they didn’t want the game to have a clear protagonist, so they asked the staff to staff to submit concepts for characters, and they’d use as many as they could. This game has fourteen characters, each with their own fun gameplay gimmick in battles. Three of the characters are secret, and one can permanently die halfway through if the player takes the wrong actions. Of these fourteen characters, the main story heavily revolves around 3-6 of them, while five more have substantial character arcs.

There’s kind of a schism in the fandom over whether this game or VII is the best one in the series, and I can see why; this game is absolutely fascinating. No other game in the series has done what this game did, which means it’s one of the two FF games I really want to see remade after they complete this VII remake.

The first half is very linear. It breaks the beginning party into three pieces, then sends each character to a different continent, where they meet more characters and build their own parties before everyone reunites. Once the story has taken the player everywhere in the world, the apocalypse hits. The villain’s evil plan succeeds and tears the entire world apart.

The second half of the game picks up a year later with one character finally getting a raft and escaping the island on which she’s been marooned. In this half, the player navigates the world, which has all the same locations, but in completely different parts of the map. The driving factor for much of the second half is to learn from incidental dialogue where each party member has gone in this new world, to track them down, and to try to fix some of the bad that’s been done to the world before finally stopping the villain who destroyed it.

It’s unique and clever and occasionally legitimately tugs at the heartstrings some, which is impressive for a poorly translated SNES game. The final dungeon is a masterpiece all on its own. It requires the player to make three parties of up to four characters, then send them in and switch between them as new roads open. This way, the game manages to feel like an ensemble piece up to the very end.

4: Final Fantasy VII.

As I previously mentioned, there’s kind of a schism in the fandom over whether FFVI or FFVII is the best game in the series. Neither is the best game in the series. FFVII is better than FFVI. Oops.

When I was first drafting up this list, it was before I’d reached my replays of VI or VII, and I tentatively placed them next to each other, with the strong assumption that I’d end up placing VI a bit higher than VII, since it has so many strongly differentiated characters with solid story arcs, beautiful artwork, great music, etc. etc. Then I reached FFVII and not even four hours in, I realized it would have to be higher on my list than VI.

VI has a better battle system, its characters are much more differentiated by their gameplay, its character sprites have aged much better than VII’s character models, and it has four party members in battles instead of three. But I couldn’t overlook VII’s gorgeous artwork, sharp character work, and character-driven story. In the end, I had to give it the edge.

VII is a strange beast. It simultaneously really holds up and has aged horribly. The story is excellent and I love the characters, but the actual line-to-line writing is pretty bad, making the whole experience of the game a bit like swimming upstream; you’re getting somewhere good, but the age of the game is still pushing you back the best it can. Similarly, the background artwork is fantastic and gives the game locations a sense of place incomparable to anything that had come before it, but the character models are so low-poly that the two are constantly at odds with each other.

Still, the game is more a good game than it is an old one. I think it’s managed to duck the absurd level of hype around it by actually being very different from what the most popular images of it make it out to be, if that makes sense. The super futuristic techno-dystopia city only makes up a very small portion of the larger game, and most newcomers to the game won’t have seen Junon, or Corel, or Cosmo Canyon. Heck, I didn’t know Cait Sith or Red XIII were characters before I played the game for the first time. One of the many reasons I’m excited for the rest of this remake is to see newcomers to the story learning just how much variety there is to the world, events, and characters of this game.

FFVII also began (and pulled off really well) a number of storytelling trends that continued in subsequent games in the series. Obviously, almost every game since this one has a clear protagonist with a cool sword for cosplayers to recreate, and an androgynous villain whose story is closely linked to the protagonist (or one villain who is linked to the protagonist and a second one whose purpose is to look like Sephiroth), but it’s started broader, more quality shifts, too.

FFVII is the first game in the series to try to give all its characters arcs based on a similar theme, for example, a trend that has helped give it and future games a sense of thematic unity, especially in IX, X, and XV. Heck, that trend was why I almost came around on XII before they nuked it. It was also the first game in the series to have a real ending, rather than closing out with essentially a curtain call featuring all the party members, like they did in IV through VI (and I assume earlier).

Another common feature of FF games that it didn’t start with VII but certainly was canonized with it was the mid-game plot twist tying the protagonist to both the villain and the larger story. FFIV had this as well, of course, but I feel like the orphanage twist in VIII, the Zanarkand dream twist in X, and the time skip twist in XV were all meant to recall VII’s twist of Cloud’s…very complex existence (IX’s two worlds twist actually is a clear homage to IV, but it’d be hard to argue that Zidane’s connection to Kuja - and the character of Kuja generally - weren’t more influenced by VII).

2: Final Fantasy X and Final Fantasy XV.

Sorry, this one is a two-fer. I’m not gonna spend too much time on why I placed these two together in the #2 spot (I wrote a long thing on it here, if you’re interested). In summary, the games kinda mirror each other, in story and design. Each game can be seen in the negative space of what the other game leaves out, and at the end, the characters react to similar situations in completely opposite ways. For this reason, and that they’re of comparable quality, I think they’re best viewed as companion pieces.

FFX was the first mainline Final Fantasy game I ever completed, six years late. It was the first FF game with voice acting and many fully modeled locations. It also kinda marks the beginning of the series’ constant changes to the battle system.

That’s not to say the previous games’ battle systems didn’t also differ from each other, but they all had the same setup, with levels and an ATB gauge. This was the first game since III not to have any real-time element to its battle system, nor numbered levels gained through experience points. Since X, no two FF battle systems have been remotely comparable, which is cool and innovative and keeps things fresh, but also means I’ve been starved for just a regular ATB FF game for too long.

In many ways, FFX feels like a bridge between the PS1 games and the later games. It feels much more streamlined than VII, VIII, or IX, in terms of both storytelling and design. The game is very linear, pushing the player from one area to the next and not allowing much backtracking until the very end. It also loses the aging look of the PS1 games’ menus and UI, finally updating the classic font and the blue menus with white borders to fully modernized and sleek graphics.

However, movement still feels very similar to movement in VIII and IX, the music definitely evokes the PS1 games more than the later games, and most locations are portrayed with beautifully painted backgrounds, rather than modeled in (which I actually prefer, and I was glad to see that VII Remake has gone back to that in some places).

Voice acting in this game is phenomenal for 2001, and honestly on par with many contemporary games. I can’t think of a voice actor for the main cast who didn’t do a great job. Tidus’s narration, especially, is emotional and evocative in all the right ways. Grounding the plot in a very personal story about Tidus’s difficulty coming to terms with and proving himself to his abusive father keeps the story relatable and real.

Something interesting about my experience with X is that because it was my first Final Fantasy game, I thought for a very long time that the series was about organized religion, and the ways it is used to justify evil acts. This might be the only game of the ones I’ve played that is about organized religion, or even prominently features a religious doctrine, which really sets it apart from the rest of the series.

The game’s thematic unity is on point, even if there is a scene where they state the central themes a bit too plainly. Every character, and even the entire universe of the story, is held back by the past, and every subplot and the main plot revolves around finding ways to move forward and leave the past behind.

I love FFXV. It feels like a return to form after XII and XIII. It’s also probably the furthest any game in the series has strayed from the original formula. Battles are entirely real-time, and the game is a straightforward action game. There is very little time spent with menus, and even the leveling system has been stripped down to a few skill trees. It’s immediately obvious that the game was originally created to be a spinoff, not a main title.

FFXV is also probably too much a product of the current era of microtransactions and payment plans. The full story is spread out across *deep breath* a feature film, an anime series, an anime OVA, a standalone demo, two console games, four DLC story chapters, a multiplayer side game, a VR fishing game, four phone games (though really three phone games because A New Empire straight up isn't in that universe and also is terrible), an expansion including several entirely new dungeons, and finally a novel set to release sometime this year. That’s a whole lot of story. I’ve not played the phone games or the VR fishing game, or read the novel yet, but I’ve experienced all the rest.

But I also played FFXV when it first released, before any patches, before I knew there was a film, just the game all on its own. So you can believe me when I say that without any supplementary material, the game is still great.

It goes back to the FFI, II, III, V “Warriors of Light” system, where the party has four characters who do not change at all throughout the game. While this bugged me at first, I soon came to appreciate having a story where almost all character interactions involved these four characters. It meant I came to understand them well enough to feel like they were my friends, too. Most characterization in this game is understated, presented through small shared moments, dialogue, and body language as they travel the world together. Much like X, the overarching story might be expansive and far-reaching, but the real show is in the personal journeys the friends have.

Much of the first half of the game is spent exploring an open world, driving along the road and getting out of the car for pit stops or to explore the forests nearby. This is one of the very few games where I don’t mind just exploring an area without the promise of an upgrade or a new scene, just to see what’s around the corner, or to hear whatever banter the characters might engage in next.

The entire world of this game is gorgeous, and the orchestrated music is some of the best they’ve ever done. The main plot is beautiful, too. It’s bittersweet and emotional, with a charismatic villain and a twist that blew me away the first time I reached it.

The supplementary material is also mostly really quality. I’d recommend the Royal Edition over the original edition for sure, and to watch Kingsglaive as well. The anime series is quick and fairly fun, and Comrades expands on the universe in some great ways, but neither has as much bearing on the overall plot as the DLC chapters and Kingsglaive. I’m so in love with the DLC chapters, actually, that two years ago I wrote a piece just on how much Episode Ignis affected me (here if you care).

This is definitely getting long, so I guess I’ll move on after saying I’m upset that they patched Chapter 13 to make it easier, and I’m angry at everyone who complained that Chapter 13 was too hard. It was a brilliant piece of storytelling through game mechanics, and it’s mostly been stripped of all that, now.

1: Final Fantasy IX.

It’s IX. It was always IX. I actually did come into this with an open mind, wondering if one of the new games I’d experience (IV, V, VIII, XII, XIII) might end up hitting me harder than Final Fantasy IX, but as I replayed my favorite game in the series I quickly realized that wouldn’t be happening.

There are only a handful of games that make me cry. IX is one of two without voice acting. There are several songs from IX that make me tear up just when I hear them.

The story of the black mages gaining sentience, learning that they can die, and trying to force themselves back into being puppets just to lose that knowledge really moves me. The same goes for the story of Dagger no longer recognizing her mother, setting out to find a place to belong, learning that her birth family is long dead, then watching her mother return to her old self a moment before losing her forever. And Zidane’s story, where he has nowhere to call home, finally discovers the circumstances of his birth, and realizes that had he stayed in his birthplace, he would have become a much worse person than he ultimately did.

More than any other, though, Vivi’s story will always stick with me. He was found as a soulless husk by Quan, a creature with the intention of fattening him up and eating him, but each of them awoke something in the other, and Quan ended up raising Vivi as his grandson. When Quan passed, a rudderless Vivi went to the city to find a new home, and eventually learned he was created as a weapon. Other weapons had also gained sentience, but none had the worldliness that Vivi had gained from his loving relationship with Quan. When Vivi discovers that most weapons like him die after only a few months, he grapples with the possibility that he may die at any time, and eventually decides that he can only take control of what life he has by living each moment to the fullest. He ends up becoming an example for the other weapons to follow.

FFIX is a game about belonging: both yearning to have somewhere to belong and learning that the place where you think you belong is actually toxic and harmful to you. Even the menu theme is a tune called “A Place to Call Home.”

IX ran counter to the trends of the series in a number of ways. It was a return to high fantasy after the more sci-fi VII and VIII, and was also much more lighthearted than those games, while still being heartfelt and occasionally bittersweet. Gameplay-wise, it locked each of its characters into a single job, gave them designs based on their jobs, brought back four-character parties, and introduced a skill system in which characters learn skills from equipment. It also had a much softer, less realistic art style, and mostly avoided the attempts to recapture VII that have plagued most other subsequent titles (besides Kuja’s design, I guess).

The story is also structured so well. It regularly shifts perspective for the first thirty hours, allowing the player to spend ample time with each of the party members, and shaking up character combinations for fun new interactions. It introduced a system similar to the skits from Tales games, showing the player often humorous vignettes of what’s happening to other characters at the time. Once the characters have all come together in one party, the game has earned the sense that all of them (except for the criminally underexplored Amarant) have become a family.

The supporting cast are a blast as well. Zidane’s thief troupe (who double as a theater troupe) are likeable and fun. Kuja’s villain arc allows him to be sympathetic without losing his edge. The black mages are tragic without being overdone.

The development team for this game put so much more work into this game than they had to. The background artwork was all made in such high-definition resolutions that the act of downscaling them to fit in the game removed details. Uematsu traveled to Europe to make sure he’d get the feel of the soundtrack right, and has said it’s his favorite score he’s ever done. Sakaguchi, the creator of Final Fantasy, says IX is his favorite game in the series.

FFIX is one of the two games I would like them to remake after they finish the VII Remake, but I’m terrified they’ll mess it up in some way. Honestly, the game’s only flaws (which I do desperately want them to fix) are a lack of voice acting, the underdeveloped party member Amarant (and to a lesser extent Freya), the dissonance of Beatrix never getting punished in any way for her hand in a genocide, and the fact that very few of the sidequests are story-related because so many of the smaller story details that would normally be relegated to sidequests are covered in the main plot.

Despite the danger, though, I think revisiting IX is absolutely essential moving forward. It represents so much of what made older games like IV and VI great, and its story is much more grounded in real emotion than many current Square stories tend to be. Remaking VII will be good for getting VII out of Square’s system. Remaking IX would be good for putting IX back into Square’s system.

Here’s a IX song as a reward for getting this far. I’m gonna go listen to it and tear up again.

[vexedtonightmares]

last dance (elu ballet au) chapter dix-sept - epilogue

Lucas is in his final year at the Paris Opera Ballet School and he’ll be damned if he lets his former friend-turned-rival Eliott steal the lead role in their production of Swan Lake.

aka- lucas and eliott are rivals who are forced to room together for their final year of ballet school before they try to enter the company. we can all see where this is going.  

i. ii. iii. iv. v. vi. vii. viii. ix. x. xi. xii. xiii. xiv. xv. xvi. xvii.

ao3

it’s so strange to be at the end of this fic, but thanks so everyone who’s read, commented, given me kudos, or supported this fic in any way. this version of lucas and eliott really mean a lot to me, and i’m glad they mean a lot to some of you too. 

also sorry not sorry this is nearly 20k words but i’m a sucker for an epilogue.

l’amour gagne toujours. alt er love.

**tw: eating disorder, ed relapse, bipolar disorder, mentions of manic/ depressive episodes**

6 MONTHS LATER

Lucas sat frozen in his chair and set his phone down with shaking hands. He couldn’t decide if it was a good kind of shaking or a bad kind of shaking yet. He was fucked, he was so utterly fucked. He wished he had more time, but it had been six months, so he should have known this day would come eventually. 

Eliott called out as he entered their suite, nearly singing his voice was so full of love for Lucas. It made him soften, just a bit, until he remembered why his hands had been shaking and his heart dropped to his stomach. 

He couldn’t believe they only had a few days left at school, it seemed like just yesterday he was standing on stage performing as Prince Siegfried in their production of Swan Lake. It seemed like just yesterday he was auditioning for the show. It was crazy how long and how short six months could feel. 

For example, for the last four months Lucas had been able to overcome his eating disorder. Not completely, he didn’t think he’d ever overcome it completely, but he was in a much healthier mindset now, thanks to Angelique and his friends and Eliott, and he really thought he might be able to make this last. There were still some daily struggles, mostly with his OCD and anxiety, but his medication did help, and so did therapy. 

His clothes fit him better too, he didn’t feel ashamed every time he looked in the mirror. Instead of seeing skin and bones he saw muscle, color in his cheeks, and less darkness under his eyes. He didn’t hate catching glimpses of himself anymore, and Eliott made jokes about his ass way too often, but he still appreciated the normalization of it all. 

He’d tried to do the same for Eliott, never be overbearing but provide support when Eliott had days that were too bad or too good, or maybe even a mix of the two. They’d fallen into a nice rhythm, the two of them, and their friends teased them endlessly for acting like a married couple. Lucas secretly warmed inside every time they said so, not that he’d ever admit it aloud. 

Eliott poked his head into the room, grinning ear to ear. “G’day mate,” he said in an exaggerated Australian accent, and Lucas’ stomach roiled over itself again. That was the newest development in the great story of Lucas and Eliott, their decision for their futures. It hadn’t been a precise thing, they’d just taken a map and spun around a few times with their eyes closed, pointing and seeing where their fingers might land. Australia, it seemed, was what the fates had decreed for them, and they were both more excited than they could put into words. 

They’d both used a weekend earlier in the spring to audition for the company, and they both made it, celebrating all night when they’d found out. Most of their friends were staying in Europe, it seemed, but Sofiane had also auditioned for the Australian Ballet and gotten in unbeknownst to any of them. It would be fun to be there with him though, Lucas and Eliott had rationalized, especially given the fact that Lucas was much closer with him now than he had been six months or a year ago.

Eliott frowned and entered the room, and Lucas realized he hadn’t responded. The truth was, he didn’t know how to. He’d gone with Manon and Daphné when they’d auditioned for the Royal Ballet for moral support, but they’d convinced him to audition last minute, and the call he’d just received had offered him a place in the Royal Ballet, should he want it. The bad thing, the thing that was making his heart beat rapidly and his stomach ache with unease, was that he did want it. More than Australia, despite all the plans he’d already made. 

Eliott tapped Lucas’ wrist with one finger, grounding him and drawing him back into the present moment. “Are you ok?” Eliott asked, voice coated in sweetness. 

Lucas nodded, then shook his head, then froze again, searching Eliott’s face for the right way to tell him that he wanted to go to London. Maybe it wasn’t too late for Eliott to audition, too.

“What’s wrong?” Eliott asked, sitting down on Lucas’ bed, probably still trying to gauge what Lucas was feeling. 

Lucas didn’t want to say anything, because if he said it, then that made it real. And he didn’t want it to be real. But he did. But he didn’t. He just really didn’t want to part ways with Eliott, but the more he thought about it, the more he knew London was where he belonged. 

“I was offered a contract for the Royal Ballet.” He wasn’t consciously aware of opening his mouth to speak, and judging by Eliott’s expression, maybe he hadn’t even spoken at all. He swallowed and opened his mouth, prepared to repeat, just in case, when Eliott sat back abruptly.

“I heard you.”

The softness in his voice wasn’t there anymore, and Lucas panicked internally. He never should have said anything, he never should have answered the call. If he didn’t know that he had a place in the Royal Ballet if he wanted it, he probably wouldn’t have wanted it, and he and Eliott could live out their Australian dreams together. They’d only chosen Australia because Lucas’ finger had landed on it on the map, Eliott probably hadn’t even wanted to go there in the first place. He shouldn’t have said anything, he shouldn’t have—

“Do you… want to accept?” Eliott’s words were slow, and Lucas still couldn’t get a read on him. 

Tears pricked the corners of Lucas’ eyes as he admitted, “I do.”

In an instant, any defenses Eliott had built up dropped completely. He pulled Lucas closer by his hands, desk chair rolling over to where Eliott was still seated on the bed. His eyes were open and understanding and Lucas was struck with the feeling that he didn’t deserve someone like Eliott. Eliott laced their fingers together.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” was his only question, which seemed justified but also way too mild a reaction. 

“I didn’t think I’d make it,” he answered honestly. His audition had been a mess, at least in terms of preparation. He’d probably danced fairly well, but he’d mostly done it because Manon and Daphné were excellent with peer pressure and he’d been too happy as of late to worry too much about it. He never really thought it was an option until it was one.

Eliott’s expression changed only in small amounts, the slight furrowing of his eyebrows or downturn of his mouth. “I didn’t even know you auditioned.”

Lucas shrugged helplessly. “Manon and Daphné convinced me, you know how they are. I really didn’t think that it would matter, because I was almost entirely certain I wouldn’t get offered a contract.”

“But what about Australia?” 

What about Australia. That was the question, wasn’t it. “I wasn’t feigning enthusiasm, just so you know. Until like fifteen minutes ago I was all in,” Lucas said, knowing how bad it sounded regardless. 

Eliott dropped his head but didn’t drop Lucas’ hands. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I don’t know,” Lucas scrambled for an explanation, realizing that there wasn’t one. He should have just been honest from the start, then maybe Eliott would be going to the Royal Ballet with him. His voice took on a strained tone. “I really don’t have an answer.”

“I don’t want to go without you, but I would never forgive myself if I made you come with me,” Eliott admitted. 

“I want to be with you,” Lucas promised, “I just… I can’t explain it. When I was in London, I felt something inside my chest, a feeling that wouldn’t go away. I haven’t felt it in a long time, at least not in relation to ballet, and I think I’d be stupid not to chase it.”

“So, you’re sure, then, that you don’t… that you want to go to London?” Eliott confirmed. His head was still down, so Lucas couldn’t see his eyes and how they might be reacting. It didn’t seem right that he should be able to decide something so monumental so quickly, but maybe it was a sign that he was making the right choice. 

“We’ll still talk every day, right? And come home for the holidays, or visit each other here and there. And who knows, this probably won’t be forever, maybe I’ll realize I made the wrong decision and come running to Australia in a few months,” Lucas tried to joke, but part of him was serious. 

Eliott finally looked up at him, through his eyelashes. “Lucas, if you’re going to do this, you need to stop worrying about me, ok? Of course I’d rather be with you, but I’ll be fine, and so will you. Better than fine, because we’ll be living our dreams! Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? Don’t go into this thinking about plans to fall back on, go into it as if this is it. I don’t want you to live half a life on my account.”

“I can’t imagine sleeping without you,” Lucas said, taking in all of Eliott’s words and processing them to the best of his current ability. 

Eliott just shrugged, squeezing his hands. “Well then we’ll just have to make the most of the time we have left. Or I could print a pillowcase with my face on it for you to use in London.”

Lucas laughed, vocal chords still thick with unshed tears. “That’s not a terrible idea��”

“Wait, you have somewhere to live, right?” Eliott asked, just as the thought came into Lucas’ own mind. He did not, because he hadn’t been planning to be in London. 

“Well, the thing about that is…” Lucas trailed off, but Eliott simply rolled his eyes fondly. 

“We’re going to figure that out before anything else.”

“Eliott, you don’t have to—”

“I want to,” Eliott reassured him, pulling him closer again until he was practically in Eliott’s lap and not on his chair anymore. Lucas leaned in, waiting to see if Eliott would respond, and he did, meeting Lucas for a short but emotion filled kiss. It told Lucas everything that he needed to know and let the anxiety ease its way out of his mind and out of his body. 

When they pulled away Lucas looked at Eliott with heavily hooded eyes. “I still love you as much as ever.”

“I know,” Eliott said, “I never thought you didn’t. Sometimes we have to do things for ourselves, though, even if we think they might hurt the people we love. Never choose me over yourself, Lucas, not when it comes to your happiness.” 

“But what about you? Did you even want to go to Australia? It’s so far away, and you don’t know anyone there, and—”

“Lucas, Australia still sounds fucking amazing to me, I promise. Plus, Sofiane will be there too. I need something completely new, I think, and what’s more new than Australia?” The usual light had returned to Eliott’s eyes, and Lucas finally allowed himself to exhale. Eliott went on about Australia and all the things he was excited for, and Lucas indulged him, even chiming in with a few things he was excited for in London. A nine hour time difference wasn’t ideal, but they’d both have completely different perspectives on the world at the same time, and that was kind of cool. In a sense, it was almost like they’d be living in different universes, bringing the multiverse theory to life. 

“Just don’t go falling in love with another Lucas,” Lucas said, wrapping his arms around Eliott’s neck. 

Eliott scoffed, like the statement had offended him. “I could never. Not in a million years or universes.”

So they kissed again, and Lucas breathed a little easier, excited for all the possibilities ahead of him and still overwhelmingly in love with the boy who’d urged him to chase new dreams even when the old ones would have made him happier. 

1 YEAR LATER

The winter wind nipped at Lucas’ cheeks, but he could hardly feel it, too hopped up on adrenaline. This was the first time he’d be seeing Eliott in person since he’d left for Australia, and he was so excited he could hardly sit still. They’d debated meeting back in Paris, but Eliott had wanted to experience Christmas in London and see Lucas’ new home of sorts, so that was what they had planned for. 

Eliott’s parents obviously wanted to see him as well, so he and Lucas would go back to Paris at the end of their holiday break from their respective companies and meet up with them as well as some of their other friends from school before Eliott left again for Australia and Lucas left again for London. They only had two weeks total, one in London, one in Paris, and Lucas planned on taking advantage of every single minute.

He’d been living with Manon and Daphné since they’d all moved to London and joined the Royal Ballet, which wasn’t as horrible as it sounded. They were still the cutest couple he knew (other than himself and Eliott, obviously) and living with two girls was much more organized than with Yann or Eliott over the years. They were spending the holidays back in Paris with Mika and Lisa, Manon and Lucas’ old flatmates, probably so they could visit with Emma, Imane, and Alexia as well. As far as he knew, Emma and Imane had stayed in Paris at the Paris Opera Ballet, and Alexia was attending university in the city as well. Imane and Emma had both been shocked to have been offered contracts in the company, but they deserved it. He was pretty sure Chloé and Sarah in their year had stayed in Paris as well, but everyone else had dispersed across the world. 

Yann had gone to Berlin, and he’d been loving it based on what he’d told Lucas. Lucas was also dying to see him, he’d gone far too long without best friend idiocy hours. Arthur, too, Lucas longed to see, but he wouldn’t have to wait as long. Arthur was supposed to meet him and Eliott in London for dinner later that night, choosing to spend the holidays in a city that didn’t remind him of things he’d rather forget. Lucas knew the feeling. He’d offered to have Arthur stay in the flat he shared with Manon and Daphné, since the two of them were gone, but Arthur had insisted on staying elsewhere with no explanation. He’d gone to the Dutch Ballet and was enjoying it quite well considering the fact he’d wanted to quit a year ago. Lucas felt like Arthur might have been keeping something from him, but he never pried, knowing Arthur would tell him when he was ready. Hopefully he wasn’t in love with Lucas again, but he didn’t think that was the case. 

Lucas had made some new friends too, while in London, though none of them compared to the ones he’d grown up dancing with. Noora, from Norway, was really close with Manon, and they were eerily similar in Lucas’ opinion. She’d originally gone to London to be with her boyfriend, and she’d considered quitting ballet for him, but in the end she realized that she was worth more than her relationship with him and if he didn’t support her dreams then she didn’t need him around. It seemed to have paid off, because Noora was only two years older than them but she was already a principal dancer in the company.

Daphné had been jealous of Manon and Noora for a while, but Noora had apparently been seeing a lot more of one of her old high school friends recently, Eva, and she’d enlisted Manon and Daphné’s help in winning her heart.

There was also Sander, who reminded Lucas a lot of Eliott, but with bleached blond hair. Sander was the most chaotic of their new friends, but Lucas appreciated that energy because the girls were overall too sensible for him. Well, other than Isa. She and Lucas had hit it off right off the bat and she kept claiming he reminded her of one of her friends back in the Netherlands and would have to introduce the two of them when he came to visit, which he was supposedly doing over the holidays. Lucas wouldn’t mind hanging out with them and Eliott, he thought Eliott would like Isa a lot, because there was no way not to like Isa.

“Excuse me, do you know where I might find my boyfriend?” someone said to Lucas’ left and immediately his heart started to flutter. He’d been so distracted he’d forgotten where he was and why he was there. 

He decided to play along. “What does he look like? A handsome French sort with dazzling eyes and a great ass?”

Looking Eliott in the eyes for the first time in six months was intoxicating, and Lucas could tell that Eliott felt the same way. They both stood there frozen, just looking at each other like they were the only two people in the world. Then Eliott snapped out of it. “I was going to say he kind of looks like a hedgehog, actually. Short… fluffy hair…”

He didn’t have the opportunity to finish, Lucas threw himself into Eliott’s arms and Eliott accepted him readily, pressing their lips together in what felt like the first kiss they’d ever shared. Maybe they looked a little dramatic, and maybe people were judging them, but Lucas didn’t care one bit. His soul had ached in Eliott’s absence, and now he felt whole again. 

“… but he does have a great ass,” Eliott finished once they separated, goofy smile on his face.

“I love you so much,” Lucas said, not even embarrassed by the fact that he was on the verge of tears. 

Eliott’s hands brushed both sides of his face as he pulled Lucas closer to him, resting their foreheads together. “I love you too. I missed you so much— god, I don’t even know where to start.” 

“Let’s start with a nap,” Lucas suggested, leaning away and holding his hand out for Eliott to take. Eliott took it, and they started to walk away, Eliott dragging a suitcase behind him.

“I’m not that tired—” Eliott tried, but Lucas shook his head. 

“Three things. One, yes you are, jet lag is a bitch, two, I’m not about to have you fall asleep during dinner with Arthur later, and three, you have no idea how much I missed sleeping with you.” Lucas ticked off each one on his free hand, and Eliott raised his eyebrows suggestively. He blushed bright red. “I meant— you know what I meant.” He paused, growing redder still. “But that too.”

Needless to say, they made their way to Lucas’ flat much more quickly after that. 

——

Eliott looked much more well rested by the time they started walking to dinner, even though they really hadn’t slept that much. First he’d had to give Eliott the grand tour of the two bedroom flat he’d come to call home (well, not first, first, they’d had some other business to attend to before that), and then they’d talked for quite a while, not even about ballet, just about life. 

It wasn’t like they hadn’t spoken nearly every day they’d been apart, but being there in person was entirely new and entirely the same all at once. They fell quickly back into old patterns and Lucas didn’t think his smile had left his face once, even while he slept tucked into Eliott’s side.

It was snowing while they walked, and Lucas had offered to pay for a cab, but Eliott insisted on walking, taking advantage of all the city had to offer. In such a short amount of time Lucas had really come to adore London. It didn’t compare to Paris, of course it didn’t, but he could see himself being happy there for a very long time. He didn’t want to say anything, but he’d secretly been harboring the fantasy of Eliott joining him there next year.

Eliott was wearing a beanie and his cheeks were pink from the cold, but his hand was laced through Lucas’ and his eyes were full of wonder like the cold was the last thing on his mind. He kept rambling about all the things he wanted to do while they were together and Lucas had barely responded, watching and listening with such adoration usually only reserved for puppies on Instagram. 

Two hands appeared over Lucas’ eyes and he laughed shortly until he realized it couldn’t have been Eliott, whose hand was still in his. His brows furrowed, but then he realized that if Eliott wasn’t freaking out there was only one person it could be. 

“Arthur?” he asked, and the hands fell from his eyes, the boy in question jumping around to stand right in front of him. 

“Lulu!” They both broke into wide grins meeting halfway for a tight hug. Arthur and Eliott hugged afterwards, with only a little bit less enthusiasm. Lucas wondered briefly how many people from school Eliott had kept in touch with. 

“How have you two been?” Arthur asked, falling into step beside them.

Eliott and Lucas shared a glance, deciding how to answer and who was going to answer first. Eliott raised his eyebrows, and Lucas spoke. “Better now that we’re together.”

“Ugh, did not miss you two being all sappy and gross, that’s for sure,” Arthur said, pretending to gag. They entered the restaurant, Lucas catching a curly brown haired boy’s eye as they did. 

Lucas looked away from the boy who was still looking at them, rolling his eyes at Arthur. Eliott teased, nudging Arthur’s side, “Aww, we’ll find you a Lucas someday, then we’ll complain about how gross and sappy you are.”

To Lucas’ surprise, Arthur flushed bright red, blinking rapidly. His eyes caught on something over Lucas’ shoulder. “About that—”

He was cut off by the same boy Lucas had just locked eyes with clearing his throat and blushing either from the cold or from something else entirely. Lucas looked at him, then at Eliott, then back at him, but he was no longer paying attention to Lucas or Eliott. 

“I was wondering when you’d get here,” the boy said in a soft voice, to Arthur. Arthur was still bright red but his eyes held a gleam of joy. 

“Here I am,” he said, and both boys grinned stupidly. Eliott and Lucas exchanged another glance, this one with wide eyes. 

The boy took a small step closer to Arthur. “There you are.”

Lucas felt like he was encroaching on something and briefly wondered if this was how other people felt about being around him and Eliott. Of course, he could have been reading into things… but nope, the boy with the curly hair just kissed Arthur and Arthur looked like he’d made it to heaven and was never coming back down. 

Eliott cleared his throat softly, more to remind Arthur and the boy of their presence than to intrude on something intimate. Both boys turned to them with wide eyes, the curly haired boy looking happy and open and Arthur’s expression shifting to something more nervous. 

“This is my boyfriend, Lucas,” Arthur said, eyes looking everywhere but Lucas and Eliott. 

Lucas broke into a wide grin that he tried to downplay for the other boy’s sake. “Nice to meet you, what’s your name?” Lucas asked. 

Arthur looked at him with exasperation. “Lucas.”

“What?” Lucas demanded defensively. Was it so weird to ask someone’s name? 

Arthur’s boyfriend laughed, shaking his head. “No, my name, it’s Lucas, Lucas Van der Heijden. I assume you’re the famous other Lucas I’ve heard so much about?”

Lucas shut his eyes in embarrassment, trying to figure out how to not look like an idiot from here on out. “Fuck, sorry. Yeah, I’m other Lucas, and this is my boyfriend, Eliott.”

Other Lucas, who Lucas decided he was going to refer to in his head as VDH so he wouldn’t confuse himself, had an accent that sounded vaguely familiar, though Lucas couldn’t quite place it. Just as Lucas was about to inquire into VDH a bit more, the host gestured for them to follow to a table. Lucas met Arthur’s eyes with a look that said, You are not off the hook for not telling me, and Arthur levelled him with one that said, Sure, Mr. I dated Eliott in secret for months while we all lived and danced together. Which, fair enough. 

They sat in a booth, Eliott and Lucas across from VDH and Arthur, and Eliott asked the question that was on Lucas’ mind. “So how and when did you guys meet?”

“We dance together, Luc is in the Dutch Ballet as well,” Arthur answered, and Lucas smiled slightly at the nickname use. It was like when Eliott called him Lu, so intoxicating and so intimate all at once. 

VDH nodded, grinning at Arthur. “I’m from the Netherlands, so I graciously introduced him to all the best things our country has to offer.”

Ah, so that’s where the accent was from, and he recognized it because of Isa. “One of my friends at the Royal Ballet is from the Netherlands,” Lucas said, trying to relate in any way he could. He liked VDH so far, but he was always scared of new conversations with new people. 

VDH perked up. “Oh, really? That’s awesome, I have a friend here too. That’s why we’re here, actually, I wanted to visit her here for the holidays and Arthur wanted to visit you, so voila.” That answered the question of where Arthur was staying. 

“How’d she end up in London?” Eliott asked, thanking the server who supplied them with menus and glasses of water.

“Same as Lucas, she’s in the Royal Ballet,” Arthur answered.

“Isa Keijser?” Lucas asked at the same time VDH said, “Isa Keijser? I don’t know if you know her.”

They stared at each other for a minute, then burst out laughing. “You must be the French dumbass she’s always talking about, then,” VDH said with half a grin, and Lucas scoffed. 

“She could very well be talking about Manon or Daphné,” he argued, and Eliott levelled him with a stare. He rolled his eyes, cracking a small smile. “But, yeah, she was probably talking about me. She’s told me about you too, actually, she just never referred to you by name.”

“It would be so her style to intentionally not tell you my name to confuse us when and if we met for the first time,” VDH sighed fondly. Lucas laughed, nodding in agreement. The waiter returned and Lucas realized he hadn’t looked at the menu. Truthfully, he wasn’t very hungry, but he wasn’t about to say anything when Eliott and Arthur were there and that was the entire reason they’d met up. 

He wasn’t slipping into old habits, he was fine. Things had just been so busy leading up to the holidays and he’d been missing Eliott extra and food was never something he’d paid enough attention to. Ok, maybe he was slipping back into old habits, but he had it under control. Now that Eliott was there, he already felt better. 

Regardless, he ordered something random off the menu, knowing that Eliott would probably like it if he didn’t, and tuned back into the conversations being had. Eliott was telling Arthur and VDH about Australia, about the places he’d been and the people he’d met. Apparently Sofiane had hit it off immediately with two dancers from Germany, Mohammed and Amira. He said Amira reminded him of a slightly softer but no less badass version of Imane, something Sofiane likely noticed too. Eliott had hit it off with an Italian boy named Niccolo, who he’d told Lucas about already. He wasn’t a dancer, but he was a piano accompanist and he composed music in his free time. Lucas had joked that Niccolo would replace him as the composer for Polaris and Eliott had assured him that could never happen, not in a million years. Even though Lucas had been mostly joking, it warmed his heart to know that Polaris was still their thing. Shay was another one of Eliott’s friends in Australia, from America, and Lucas had met her over Facetime a few times. She reminded him of himself in some ways, kind of like Manon and Noora, and he really wanted to meet her when he visited Eliott. 

Lucas was surprised but glad to see a new light in Arthur’s eyes as he talked about dancing in the Dutch Ballet, and Lucas could tell that Arthur was a little surprised by it himself. Arthur had found a completely random flat when he’d moved to the Netherlands, and his roommates, Liv and Ralph, were already friends with VDH, so they’d been forced to hang out quite often. Apparently VDH was practically the star of their company, but Arthur had given him a run for his money. Instead of turning it into a rivalry, they’d slowly become friends, then more, and the rest was history. Lucas knew who Liv was, vaguely, because Isa talked about her friend Liv a lot and he assumed this had to be the same person. It was crazy, how small of a world it was that they lived in.                   

Their conversations flowed nicely the rest of the time they sat at the restaurant, and Lucas pretended not to notice the small looks Eliott was giving him all night. He didn’t know what it was all about, but he figured Eliott would tell him later when they were alone. 

He was glad that Arthur had found someone— his own Lucas if you will— that made him feel like the best version of himself all the time. Sure, he didn’t necessarily need it, but he deserved it. He supposed he’d never have to wonder again if another universe Lucas and another universe Arthur had ended up together, because somehow they had in this one. Maybe VDH was a parallel version of Lucas, wouldn’t that be something. 

After what might have been anywhere between two and four hours, Lucas noticed Eliott’s eyes starting to droop and they decided to call it a night, promising to hang out together again before Eliott and Lucas left for Paris. Once they parted ways, Lucas tucked himself close into Eliott’s side and started going on about VDH, Arthur, and VDH and Arthur. He paused when he realized Eliott wasn’t responding. 

“Is everything ok?” he asked. Maybe Eliott was just tired, he rationalized. 

Eliott looked at him, face serious, voice casual. “You barely ate anything.”

Lucas’ heart dropped to his stomach. He should have known Eliott would notice those things. It hadn’t been intentional, it really hadn’t, he just didn’t have an appetite. 

“I know what you’re thinking,” Lucas said, “But I’m not— I’m still doing good, I promise.”

“Lucas…” Eliott started, but Lucas cut him off.

“I promise, Eliott. Ok? I just get distracted by conversation when we eat, you know that.” He was vaguely aware that he sounded a bit like he was pleading, which didn’t bode well for him. 

Eliott sighed, stopping to turn and face him head on. “I just want to make sure that you’re ok. You’re the most important person to me, and I worry about you even when I know I shouldn’t.”

Lucas stepped closer so they were toe to toe. “I worry about you too. It’s the nature of caring, to worry, but I believe in you, and I know that you can handle whatever life throws your way, you’re too strong not to. I need you to think the same of me.”

“I do, Lucas, but—” Eliott cut himself off, entwining his pointer fingers with Lucas’. He continued, “I trust you. And I believe in you. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met, I know you can handle whatever life throws at you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish you didn’t have to, you know?”

Lucas did know. He’d known it since he’d come to Eliott’s house and found him curled into a ball on his bed looking like he never wanted to leave. If he could make it so Eliott only ever experience the good in life, he would do it in a heartbeat. He nodded. “I know.”

“I just love you too much to ever want to see you anything less than one hundred percent happy, which I know is a stupid dream, and I do love when you’re a grumpy little shit too, but you deserve the world even though you have a habit of forgetting that,” Eliott said. 

Lucas closed his eyes, letting the winter wind settle across his face and letting Eliott’s words be imprinted in his mind. “I love you,” he said.

“I love you too.”

“Now why don’t we go home, and I’ll make us both a big blueberry-bacon muffin filled breakfast tableau tomorrow morning,” Lucas suggested, ghosting his lips close to Eliott’s. Eliott smiled leaning in ever so slightly.

“That sounds amazing, love,” he agreed, leaning in further, and Lucas pulled back. 

He squinted. “Love?”

“When in London,” Eliott said with a dopey grin and a shrug, and Lucas kissed him senseless right there in the middle of the street. Everything was how it should be. 

18 MONTHS LATER

Lucas was panicking. None of it had been intentional, but he’d skipped over a month of therapy sessions and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten an actual meal, and it was starting to show. He wasn’t quite where he’d been in his last year of school, but he was pretty close. He’d ridden the high of seeing Eliott for a week or two after the holidays, but then they’d started casting and rehearsal for a new show and even though he was just in the corps rehearsals were a million times more taxing than they had been at school and he felt himself slipping ever so slightly day by day without Eliott there to ground him. It didn’t help that Eliott had seemingly forgotten about him, Facetime conversations going from daily to weekly to whenever they could find time. He knew Eliott was busy with his show as well, but it still stung to not hear from him for days on end.

He’d wanted to tell Eliott about everything that was going on inside his mind to try to find some clarity, but he didn’t want their first real conversation in almost a month to be about something so negative. So, he got better at hiding things again, feeling ashamed for doing so but having no intention of stopping. He wouldn’t see Eliott in person for a little while anyway, so all he had to do was get himself back on track by then and he’d never have to own up to the fact that he’d been faking happiness for a few months.

Manon had noticed, and she’d tried to talk to him, but when he didn’t want to talk there was nothing she, or anyone (besides Eliott) could do to make him. Still, she was watching him closely, and he knew that she’d intervene if things got too bad again. 

It was Saturday, so he had a day off and had planned on spending it in bed watching tv and trying to forget that Eliott had cancelled their Facetime date for that day, even though he didn’t have rehearsals on weekends either.

The buzzer to the flat rang and Lucas rolled his eyes, wondering if Daphné had forgotten her keys again. “Manon, the door,” he yelled, receiving no response. Groaning, he got out of bed as the buzzer rang again, peeking his head into Manon and Daphné’s room and finding it empty. He didn’t know when Manon had left, but cursed her for making him get out of bed, especially if it was because she and Daphné had both forgotten their keys. 

He pressed the button to let them in, unlocking the door to their unit and hoping they would just walk right in instead of waiting for him to open that one too. Just as he reached his bedroom door, there was a knock, and he groaned again, yelling, “It’s open!”

A muffled voice came from the other side of the door. “Special delivery for Lucas Lallemant!” 

Lucas froze, because he recognized that voice. Even though he might have been hallucinating, he ran to the door as fast as his feet would carry him, throwing it open and finding Eliott on the other side, a bouquet of flowers in hand. His smile was so bright that it nearly brought Lucas to tears and Lucas launched himself into Eliott’s arms, pulling him into the flat. 

Eliott threw the flowers onto the table before fully hugging Lucas back, stiffening once he did. Lucas pulled away, confused. “Everything ok?”

Eliott looked down at him, face pale, then blinked a few times and forced a smile. “Yeah, of course.”

Lucas smiled, lacing his arms around Eliott’s neck. “What are you doing here?”

“I missed you,” Eliott said with a shrug, “Wanted to surprise you.”

Lucas’ heart melted as he buried his face in Eliott’s chest. Eliott continued, “I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend recently. I’m really sorry about it, and I wanted to make it up to you. I can’t stay long because of rehearsals, but I wanted to make sure you know that you’re still the most important person in my life.”

“I missed you so much,” Lucas said, holding Eliott tighter than ever. “Want to…” He trailed off suggestively, nodding to his bedroom. Eliott’s face turned red but his eyes were bright with longing and desire. 

“Of course,” Eliott responded, and that was all Lucas needed to crash their lips together, stumbling across the flat until they made it into his room, slamming the door shut behind them in case Manon or Daphné arrived while they were occupied. 

Lucas pulled off Eliott’s shirt, peppering kisses down his neck and his torso, making Eliott’s breaths ragged. Eliott’s fingers fiddled with the bottom of Lucas’s shirt and Lucas grinned into another kiss, allowing them to separate only long enough to remove his own shirt. He moved to pull Eliott back in for a kiss when Eliott stopped him, same wide eyed anxious look he’d had on his face moments earlier. 

Lucas frowned folding their hands together, and Eliott wrenched them apart, leaving Lucas to go sit on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands. Lucas didn’t know what was wrong, what had changed. When Eliott finally looked at him, his eyes were red, like he was on the verge of tears.

“You told me everything was fine,” Eliott said, “You told me not to worry, and that you’d tell me if there ever was a problem.”

Lucas froze where he stood, understanding more clearly the cause of Eliott’s current distance. He picked his shirt up off the floor and put it back on, wrapping his arms around his body as if that would do anything to cover it. “There isn’t a problem,” he tried, but Eliott shook his head, devastation turning to anger. 

“Lucas there’s barely anything left of you.”

Lucas shook his head, sitting down next to Eliott and reaching for one of his hands. Eliott pulled away, looking betrayed. 

“How long has this been going on again? It’s been this way since Christmastime, right? Maybe even before?” Eliott broke off, putting his head in his hands again. “You don’t trust me, is that it? Lucas don’t you see what you’re doing to yourself?”

“Maybe it isn’t about you!” Lucas said angrily, and Eliott blinked up at him in shock. That was a lie, a little bit of it was about Eliott, but he wouldn’t give Eliott that satisfaction of thinking he was the only thing in Lucas’ world.

Eliott’s voice turned pleading. “Lu, don’t you see that I’m just upset because I care about you?”

“I know that you do.” Lucas ran a hand through his hair, sobs bubbling up in his chest and begging to break free. Eliott looked at him, really looked at him, and the dam broke wide open. “I just feel so alone. I have so many people here that I really like, but none of them are you, none of them are Yann or Arthur or Basile or Imane. I have Manon, but she has Daphné, and every time I see them, I think of you. But I don’t even have you, not really, because you have a beautiful amazing life without me, and I’m just the fucking mess of a boy you stupidly fell in love with. I’m good, but I’m not good enough. I was only ever good enough for you and that’s not even true anymore. The only thing you do is worry about me, I can see it in your eyes, and that’s not a relationship. Maybe you do have reason to worry, but I don’t feel like a real person when that’s all I see when I look at you. Worry, worry, worry. I’m not a child, I’m an adult, and yeah, I’m fucked up on so many levels that you probably should worry, but I also fear I’m never going to get better until people stop fucking worrying. You care about me, you care about me, you all fucking care about me, but I’m always the problem.”

Eliott’s arms wrapped around Lucas as he sobbed, spilling tears onto Eliott’s shirt. It was a new shirt, Lucas noticed, and for some reason that made him cry harder. “I’m tired, Eliott, I’m so tired, because I never sleep anymore, and I feel like I’m dying all the time. I don’t want to die, but I think I might and I don’t know how to stop it from happening.”

“Lucas, Lucas, look at me.” Eliott’s eyes were wide and wild as he held Lucas’ face in his hands. “You’re not dying. I won’t let that happen, ok? I could never let that happen. I’m not— ok, maybe I am a little bit worried about you, but I promise it comes from a place of love. I try to live minute by minute, like you told me when I was diagnosed, and I want you to keep trying to do that too. In this minute, how about we breathe, ok?”

Lucas nodded, infinitesimally, tears still streaking down his face. Eliott breathed in deeply, and Lucas followed, feeling his eyes water and his mouth wobble even as he did so. Eliott kept his hands on Lucas’ face, breathing out and waiting for Lucas to follow. They did that a couple more times, until Lucas’ heart rate was back to normal even if slow tears were still falling.  

“Lucas,” Eliott said, dropping his hands to Lucas’ hands. “I don’t love you because I have to, I love you because I want to, and I choose to every day.”

Lucas shook his head. “You say that but—”

“Lucas. I love you. There are no buts.”

Lucas sniffed, clenching Eliott’s hands in his. “I was so happy. I was doing so good.”

“We all have setbacks. Healing takes time, and in that time we’re allowed moments of weakness, because they only make us stronger going forward.” He paused, looking like he had more to say but didn’t want to say it. “I, um, had a depressive episode, a little while back. When I stopped responding like I usually did. I remembered you talking about not wanting to worry, and I figured it would pass because I was taking my medication and going to therapy, but it didn’t pass for a long time. I still feel like I might not be back to one hundred percent, but I knew the only way to get there was to see you again, so here I am.”

Lucas blinked in surprise He’d never even considered… he felt like an idiot. “You have no right to be mad at me for not telling you things, then.” He’d forgotten that he got a bit too defensive when confronted with his own faults.

Instead of rising to Lucas’ defensiveness, Eliott crumbled. “I know. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you, its just I— I’m a bad person, a bad boyfriend, I know that, but I never wanted you to.”

“Eliott you’re neither of those things.”

“Neither are you.”

“Eliott.”

“Lucas.”

They looked at each other earnestly, honestly, seeing more than what was on the surface for the first time in far too long. It was easy to get swept away by love and longing when they were only together for a short amount of time, easy to put aside the hurt and the pain and let themselves feel loved, but in reality they were two lost boys still trying to find a way to live in a world that was determined to break them down to nothing. 

“I know things have to change,” Lucas said, because now that Eliott was there, he did. He couldn’t stand the broken look in Eliott’s eyes when he’d realized Lucas was back to who he’d been a year and a half ago. He continued, “But I can’t count on you, on us, to make that change.”

Eliott furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”

“I need to learn how to come back from this on my own.”

Eliott’s face hardened. “What does that mean?”

“I don’t know.” He truly didn’t know. The last thing he ever wanted to do not be with Eliott, but it wasn’t like they were really together at the present time anyway, and clearly he couldn’t cope properly with that. “I think maybe I have to stop being so dependent on you to make everything better.”

“Lucas—” Eliot sounded confused, and Lucas couldn’t blame him. “You’re anything but dependent on me. Sometimes I wish you needed me a bit more, because being there for you is one of my favorite things.”

“I am too dependent, though, because I can’t function properly without you around. Maybe it has nothing to do with you at all, but I need to figure that all out on my own. I learned to love myself a little more with you, but I need to learn to love myself without you, do you understand? I hate myself so much, all the time, but you put those rose colored glasses on my eyes that make me not see it for a little while. It’s not a bad thing, it’s a great thing, actually, but you’re in Australia, and I’m in London, for who knows how long, and I don’t want to always have to count on other people to bring me back to a healthy state of mind, I want to be able to do it myself, or at least realize when things are getting bad and feel comfortable reaching out.” He was spewing words without thinking about them, but he realized they were all true. 

Eliott bit his lip. “So where do I— where do we fit into all of this, then?”

It hurt Lucas more than anything, and he regretted the words before they even left his mouth, but he knew it was the right thing to say. “I don’t think we do, at least not right now.”

“But Lucas…” Eliott’s face crumbled and Lucas felt pain twist in his chest like never before. “You’re my forever.”

“You’re mine too,” Lucas said, urgency in his voice. He meant it, he really did. He’d never love anyone like Eliott, and he didn’t want to. “We might just have to put a pause on forever until I figure out who I am on my own.”

Eliott dropped Lucas’ hands, and the loss was felt by both of them instantly. Lucas stammered over his words, feeling sobs bubble in his chest again. “I- I don’t expect you to wait for me. You have so much love to give, and I don’t want you wasting it on me. You’re free to find a new forever, if you want.”

“I could never,” Eliott said, shaking his head. His voice was thick, but he looked more certain than ever. “You’re my forever, Lucas, I can wait as long as you need me to. I want to.”

It went against every bit of his better judgement, but he couldn’t help himself, he pulled Eliott into him and their lips met in a searing, sorrowful kiss. It tasted like tears on both ends but neither of them cared much. Lucas knew he was making the right decision, but it hurt so badly and he just wanted to ease the pain, if only for a moment. He could tell Eliott felt the same, so when Eliott lifted Lucas’ shirt, he gave in willingly, undoing Eliott’s jeans and finishing what they’d put on hold. He hoped dearly it wasn’t the last time, that it was just a goodbye for now, but if it was the end, at least they went out with a bang. 

2 YEARS LATER

Paris looked as beautiful as it always did, but Lucas was seeing it with new eyes. The last six months had been a lot, mentally and emotionally, but as he looked out at the city he knew so well, he knew that it had all been worth it. Sure, presently he was only seeing it through a few windows, but after a few more papers, a few more signatures, and he’d be back to the hustle and bustle of everyday life, and he finally felt ready to tackle it. 

He’d been more of a mess than usual after Eliott’s impromptu visit from Australia, even though their decision to pause things between them had been Lucas’ idea. Fortunately for him, Manon had enough and forced him to make changes for real. He started going back to therapy, but it wasn’t enough, and he made the painful decision to put his career on hold to get his life back on track and checked himself into a facility in Paris that specialized in eating disorder recovery. Paris had been the only option for him, really, because no matter how much he loved London, his heart was in the city he’d called home for eighteen years. 

It had been hell at first, and he’d regretted every choice he’d made since Eliott’s visit, maybe even before then, but as the days turned into weeks and then into months, he knew that he’d made the right decision. He kept up with his ballet, giving himself private lessons in his room during free time because fucked up or not, he was still planning on dancing as long as humanly possible. He’d kept in touch with all of his friends, but particularly Manon, Yann, and Arthur, and that had really pulled him through a lot of hard times. He hadn’t spoken to Eliott since he’d left Lucas’ flat in London for the last time, and though he ached to, a part of him was fearful that Eliott had forgotten him, left him like people in his life always tended to do.

He wasn’t allowed his own phone while in treatment, so he couldn’t even check Eliott’s social media to see what he was up to in Australia, if he was doing ok or not, so he tried his best not to think about it. Of course, Eliott had been one of the many things he’d talked about in therapy sessions, but all of it had only made him realize that Eliott truly was who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

It hadn’t ever been a doubt, not really, but Lucas felt comfortable enough in where he was and who he was that he knew he wouldn’t place all his value into solely his relationship or ballet ever again. He was a pretty great person, it turned out, it had just taken him nineteen years to realize it. 

He was handed his phone back, and he turned it on for the first time in months, bombarded by a barrage of notifications. He deleted most of them, knowing they’d been sent before the senders had known where he was and that he didn’t have use of his phone. Thankfully, he had no messages from his father. He hadn’t been expecting it, he hadn’t heard from him since before his last year at school, when he’d caused him to have a breakdown in front of Manon, leading to Lucas’ summer in the colloc, but there was still that fear that one day he might try to reenter Lucas’ life and make it hell. 

There were messages from Eliott, a lot of them, as well as some missed calls and voicemails, but Lucas couldn’t bring himself to look at any of them. He knew that he should have told Eliott where he was going, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to. He knew Eliott would support him in something drastic as this, but he also hadn’t wanted that pity, that worry that had prompted all this in the first place. 

“Lucas?” the receptionist said, and he realized she’d been trying to get his attention. 

He blinked and smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry, um, yes?”

“You’re free to go,” she said with a warm smile that he couldn’t help but return. He hadn’t felt this kind of happiness since the show, his final year of school, and this happiness had nothing to do with anyone other than himself, which made it better than anything he’d ever experienced. He was sure there would be more moments throughout his life to top this one, and that this one might pale in comparison to other memories over time, but this feeling, this moment, was all his own.

It was all his own, but in realizing that he realized that it didn’t have to be all his own, that he wanted to share it, because he knew that it wouldn’t diminish the joy he felt on his own. He wanted to share it with Eliott, but he couldn’t because Eliott was in Australia, and Eliott probably thought Lucas didn’t love him anymore. 

Well, he’d share it with Imane, then. Since she was still in Paris, he’d called her the week before to see if he could stay with her until he found his footing wherever he was off to next, and she’d readily agreed, only hesitation being that she was living with Idriss currently, and Idriss still spoke to Eliott frequently. It wouldn’t be a problem, he’d assured her, because he did plan on reaching out to Eliott again, hopefully pressing play and picking up where they left off. That was, if he wasn’t too much of a coward to do so. 

He pushed open the doors and breathed in the fresh, winter air. It was nearly Christmas, and there was a very thin layer of snow dusting the pavement, something that didn’t happen very often, and Lucas felt like it was there just for him. He closed his eyes and tipped his head back to the sky, smiling despite everything that he still needed to do to get himself fully back on track. In this one minute, he didn’t have a care in the world. 

He opened his eyes, gazing up at the sky for a minute and all the stars dotting it, seeing his breath in the air as he exhaled before he dropped his eyes back to what was in front of him and stepping back into the real world. 

Just as he took the first step, his eyes caught on someone at the end of the sidewalk, leaning against a streetlight like they were exactly where they were meant to be. It couldn’t be— he had no way of knowing where Lucas was and when he was getting out… Lucas took a few hesitant steps, breath catching in his throat as he took in the sight of Eliott Demaury, grinning ear to ear like his Christmas wishes had just come true in front of his eyes. 

Seeing Eliott there, smiling like he was, Lucas couldn’t stop his own smile from overtaking his face, walking quicker and quicker to the man of his dreams. “Eliott, how did you— what are you—”

He didn’t have a chance to finish, because Eliott met him in a few long strides, cupping his face with both hands and kissing him so hard he saw stars. He kissed Eliott back, wondering briefly if he was dreaming. 

“Lucas, I love you so much,” was the first thing Eliott said when they broke apart, foreheads resting together like they did so often. They swayed there together for a minute, neither one of them speaking, dancing to the music of their souls finding their way back to one another. 

“I love you too, Eliott, I love you too.” Lucas was crying, but these were tears of pure joy, pure love, and they both could see it. “You look great,” he said, because Eliott did, there wasn’t a day that he didn’t.

“You look better,” Eliott countered, and Lucas laughed, a loud joyous sound. 

“I am,” he agreed, “Better, that is. I’m sorry for everything, for not telling you where I was going, for not calling, for suggesting we pause in the first place—”

“Hey,” Eliott cut him off, running his thumbs up and down Lucas’ cheekbones. “You have nothing to apologize for. Look at me, look how happy I am. It’s all because of you, because I get to see you, hold you, love you, and wait for you, even if I wasn’t entirely sure you wanted me to.” 

He was happy, Lucas could see it, there wasn’t a hint of worry in his face, even though there was plenty of reason for there to be. It made Lucas feel a little lighter, smile a little brighter. Fuck him, even his thoughts were coming out in stupid rhymes now. 

“Thank you for waiting,” Lucas said genuinely, because if he couldn’t apologize he could at least show his gratitude. 

“It was my pleasure,” Eliott said, “Now come on, let’s go home.”

He stuck a hand out for Lucas to take, and Lucas obliged with a beaming smile. “Home?” he asked, but Eliott just raised an eyebrow, planting a kiss on his forehead. 

—— 

Home, it seemed, was the house of Harold and Caroline Demaury, a place Lucas hadn’t visited since Eliott was diagnosed two years ago. The year before when they’d visited Paris, he and Eliott had stayed with Imane and Idriss, visiting with his parents for dinner but nothing beyond that. He texted Imane about his change of plans and she told him that she already knew, but her flat was open to him anytime in case he had a change of heart. This partially answered some of Lucas’ questions about how Eliott had known where he was and why he was there, but there were still more answers he’d need before the night was up.

Harold and Caroline welcomed him like their own son, and Lucas wondered what Eliott had told them about why Lucas was in Paris, or if he’d told them anything at all. It wasn’t very late, but Lucas was a bit exhausted so he didn’t engage much in conversation. Eliott picked up on this, eyes softening with understanding as he placed his hand on Lucas’ leg. 

“Mom, Dad, is it ok if we call it quits for the night?” he asked, smiling earnestly.

“Oh, of course. You two must be tired. Let me know if you need anything at all,” she said, warmth evident in her voice. Lucas and Eliott stood to leave the room, and she spoke up again. “And Lucas? I’m glad to have you back here, and know that you’re welcome anytime.”

He smiled, feeling Eliott’s hand slip into his. “Thank you, Caroline. It means a lot.”

They walked the short distance to Eliott’s bedroom in silence, hand in hand. Lucas didn’t know what he should be feeling at the moment, but he mostly just felt happy. Maybe that was wrong, maybe he should have waited before jumping back into the life he’d put on pause, but it felt right being there with Eliott and his parents.

Lucas tried to speak, but Eliott cut him off by throwing a hoodie his way, raising his eyebrows as he changed out of his own clothes into more comfortable ones. Most of Lucas’ things were still in London, actually, he hoped Manon and Daphné hadn’t gotten rid of them or gotten a roommate to take his place just yet. They’d assured him he needn’t worry about the rent while he was away, but he was a bit worried regardless. 

Eliott was wearing a simple pair of sweatpants and a red t shirt Lucas recognized as one of his, but he didn’t say anything because he wasn’t even sure if that fact had registered with Eliott. They both crawled into bed, Lucas in Eliott’s hoodie and his underwear, but they had no intention of sleeping just yet. They needed to talk, and most of their best talks happened in hushed whispers, faces nearly pressed together sharing the same pillow. 

“How did you know where I was? And when I was leaving?” Lucas asked before Eliott had a chance to say anything. 

“I still talk to people from school too, you know,” Eliott said, then, “Imane told me, she thought I’d want to know, please don’t be mad at her.”

Lucas shook his head. “I’m not mad at her.” He didn’t say anything else, trying to figure out what to say. That question had been answered, but did he even have any more? Should he apologize for leaving Eliott in the dark for so long? 

“Was this presumptuous of me?” Eliott asked, voice strained. 

Lucas furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”

“Was it presumptuous of me to be there, to think you wanted me to be there?” Eliott’s voice was small, like he was scared of the answer. 

Lucas looked at him a little more closely mapping out the face of the only person he’d ever loved, at least in such an eternal way. Before he could answer, Eliott continued, “I just wanted you to know that of all the people that have left in your life, I’ll never be one of them. I know that ‘for better or for worse’ is a marriage vow, but I’m in it with you one hundred percent, for better or for worse. Even if the worse requires a little time apart to figure things out, know that I’ll always be rooting for you, and that I’ll wait for you no matter how long we’re apart.”

Lucas placed his hand on the side of Eliott’s face, and Eliott melted into the touch, closing his eyes instinctively. “It wasn’t presumptuous of you.”

Eliott’s hand rested on top of his on Eliott’s cheek and all Lucas felt was warmth. “I thought about it a lot, what I would do and say when I saw you again, because I’ve fucked up so many times by now that I figured I’d owe you a million apologies if you even wanted to see me at all. But then, when I saw you there, I realized that all I wanted was you and that I wasn’t going to stand in my own way anymore. I know who I am without you now, and I’m comfortable with that person, but I don’t think that it’s a bad thing to love myself a little bit more when I’m with you, because it only shows how much love I’m capable of giving. I’m in a better place than I’ve ever been, and I can’t thank you enough for allowing me the time to figure out a lot of the shit that’s been circulating in my head longer than I can remember. I’ve had time to heal on my own, but I’m ready for the beginning of the rest of my life, a life with you by my side. If you still want to be there, that is.”

Eliott opened his eyes. “Of course I do. Of course I want to be there. I love you exponentially, remember?”

“I love you exponentially,” Lucas repeated in a whisper, allowing himself a smile at the memories of laying exactly like this but under entirely different circumstances. He looked at their hands, then into Eliott’s eyes. “I do too, I love you exponentially. Even when I was figuring things out, that stayed the same, me loving you more and more every day.”

“Can I kiss you?” Eliott asked, and Lucas nodded.

“Yes.” 

A soft, gentle press of the lips was all it was, nothing like the whirlwind kiss they’d swept each other up in earlier, but it was the perfect kiss in the perfect moment. Maybe the universe was on their side, after all, if it had all led to where they were in that specific instance. 

“What are you going to do about ballet?” Eliott asked, and Lucas was glad he hadn’t avoided the topic. It was Lucas’ second love, after all. 

“I can’t go back to the Royal Ballet, even though I really did enjoy it there,” Lucas confessed with a sigh. Truthfully, he didn’t want to. He felt he’d worn out his time in London, but was grateful for it nonetheless.

Eliott trailed one hand up and down his spine idly, an action that Lucas found to be quite comforting. “There’s a new director at the Paris Opera Ballet, you know.”

Lucas didn’t know. “What?”

Eliott nodded. “There have been a lot of changes, actually, according to Imane. Most of them for the better.”

“Oh?” Lucas really didn’t want to get any of his hopes up, but he wanted to return home more than anything. It was a bit ironic, that he loved this city so much considering all he’d been through in it, but it also contained most of his happiest memories and greatest moments of healing.

“I think I’m going to audition,” Eliott said, “That’s part of why I came back here, other than for you.”

Lucas blinked at him. “Really? What about Australia?”

“Australia’s fine. But it’s not Paris, and you’re not there.” 

“Don’t make your decisions around me—”

Eliott huffed out a small laugh. “All due respect, Lucas, but don’t even start with me. It’s been a year and a half since we left, and all I’ve thought about is how much I want to come home, yes, to you, but also to Paris, my friends, my family. I had Sofiane but it wasn’t enough. This is where I’m meant to be, I know it now.”

“I think this is where I’m meant to be too,” Lucas admitted, “I think I’ve always known, in my heart.”

Eliott swallowed, and Lucas watched his Adam’s apple bob in his throat. “I was also thinking… I don’t really want to live with my parents if I come back here.”

“Understandable,” Lucas agreed with a small laugh, and Eliott’s traced the lines it left on his face. 

“I was wondering if you’d want to get a flat with me, if you’re sure you’d like to be here in Paris?” Eliott asked, and Lucas’ smile faltered. 

“Are you serious?” 

Eliott nodded, then backtracked, “Unless you think it’s too soon, or you need more time, or—”

“Hey,” Lucas cut Eliott off, lacing his fingers through his hair. He pulled Eliott’s face closer to his, kissing him gently. “I’d love to get a flat with you.”

Eliott’s eyebrows shot up. “Really?”

“Really,” Lucas promised with a smile. “We make quite the roommate duo, if I remember correctly.”

Eliott laughed, a sound that Lucas wanted to capture in a jar and keep with him forever. “That we do.”

Somewhere in the distance, church bells rang, and winter wind whistled by, and Lucas and Eliott found home in one another again, not for the first time, but for the last, because this time would lead to forever. 

3 YEARS LATER

It was so strange, being in the same place he’d grown up, performing the same pieces he’d practiced a million times, but in a completely different way. Eliott had waited until his two year contract with the Australian Ballet was up, auditioning for the Paris Opera Ballet with Lucas in the meantime, and now the both of them were exactly where they were meant to be. Imane was still at the company, but she was the only one of their good friends still there. Emma had quit ballet while Lucas was in treatment, something he hadn’t found out about until he’d auditioned, but she seemed happy, so that was all that mattered. Lucas was still trying to convince Yann and Arthur to come back from Berlin and Amsterdam, respectively, but Yann loved Berlin and Arthur had his Lucas, so his pleas fell on deaf ears. 

Sofiane stayed in Australia for another year, but Imane had told them that she suspected he’d be coming back to Paris soon as well. Lucas suspected it had something to do with her, but she refused to entertain any of his questions on the subject.

Eliott and Lucas’ flat was tiny, there was barely enough room for the both of them, but Lucas loved it with all his heart. Eliott had gotten him a piano for his twentieth birthday, and Lucas had gotten Eliott a record player, complete with a set of dubstep tracks on vinyl that Eliott loved for god knew what reason. He’d regretted that purchase a little bit, but the look on Eliott’s face when he’d given them to him sat in his memories and made his bleeding eardrums worth it. 

Lucas and Eliott had also attended a few cooking classes in their free time, partially as a way to normalize healthy eating habits, and partially because if Lucas had to eat one more blueberry-bacon muffin he was going to throw Eliott’s dubstep records out the window. It was easier with Eliott, of course, but Lucas still worked on himself often, even going back to Angelique for weekly therapy sessions. She’d been pleasantly surprised to hear that he was back in town, and he’d been pleasantly surprised that she was willing to work with him again. 

Eliott was still going to therapy too, but Lucas sensed something a little different about his behavior recently, and he wondered if there was anything he should have been doing to make sure everything was going ok for him mentally. 

It was four in the morning and the two of them had to be up early for rehearsals in the morning, but when Lucas blinked his eyes open blearily and saw that Eliott wasn’t in bed beside him, he realized Eliott must never have gone to bed. 

He got out of bed, trying to adjust his eyes to the dim light as he made his way into the living room to see why Eliott was still up. The brightness hit his eyes harder than he’d expected and he braced himself against the wall, squinting. 

“Eliott?” His voice was groggy with sleep but Eliott looked up at him from where he was seated in the middle of the floor, surrounded by papers. Some were drawings, some looked like sheet music, and some looked like notes written by an unsteady hand. It gave Lucas flashbacks to three years ago. 

“Eliott, come to bed,” he tried, knowing it was useless when he saw the light in Eliott’s eyes. 

“Sleep?” Eliott laughed, “Come on, Lucas, I’m on a roll!”

Lucas nodded in agreement, knowing that the best he could do was offer quiet support until the euphoria gave way to the darkness lurking beneath. “I can see that. Do you want to tell me about it?”

Eliott’s eyes lit up again, and Lucas sat down beside him, hanging onto his every word. Well, at least until tiredness overtook him again. He wasn’t even aware of falling asleep, and felt kind of bad about it, but when he woke up a few hours later, Eliott was holding him from behind, likely having carried him to bed. He could tell Eliott wasn’t asleep by the pattern of his breathing, but at least his body was resting. 

Lucas didn’t mention their middle of the night conversation but he did remind Eliott to take his medication, taking his own at the same time. Eliott peppered him with kisses all throughout the morning, something Lucas would never complain about, and when they went to practice, Lucas was just grateful that he would be able to help Eliott through whatever this was, if it was a manic episode, a hypomanic one, a mixed one, whichever. Eliott hadn’t had a manic episode since the one that had led to his diagnosis, so this was still new territory for both of them, but Lucas knew they could both handle it, for better or for worse. 

——

The depression hit a few days later, so fast that Lucas hadn’t been expecting it, even if he was. It wasn’t the deepest hole Eliott had ever fallen into, but it wasn’t the shallowest, so Lucas did everything he could to help ease even the smallest fraction of pain Eliott was going through. 

A few days into the depressive episode, Lucas made Eliott breakfast in bed, even though he wasn’t sure if Eliott would eat it, because he knew that it was always something that Eliott did to cheer him up and make him feel special. They didn’t have rehearsals for a few days because the new director was out of town, so there were no obligations for either one of them.

Even after being away for two years, they still had quite the reputation at the Paris Opera Ballet, mostly amongst the dancers. Their friends, old and new, knew what was going on and offered support in any way they could, but there were still whispers around the company of them being lazy or crazy or undeserving of what they had. Lucas knew how to handle it, he’d been dealing with similar shit practically his whole life, but it hit Eliott harder than Lucas had expected it to. Eliott had always been the star, even when the director was being an asshole, everyone had been on his side, because the director was so clearly in the wrong. But now, facing a group mostly made up of people they didn’t know very well, every negative or ignorant comment hit Eliott with twice the impact, and Lucas could only do his best to try to pick up the pieces. 

It didn’t help anything that Lucille, Eliott’s ex-girlfriend was a soloist in the company and everyone fawned over her like she was the next Svetlana Zakharova. Eliott had told him plenty about Lucille, and all of it left a bad taste in his mouth. Clearly, Lucille wasn’t very fond of Lucas either, but he wasn’t in the mood to try to change her mind. She probably felt that she was still owed Eliott’s love, even after years apart, simply because she felt entitled to the best of everything.

Lucas was about to be on his way into the bedroom with his tray of breakfast for Eliott when two arms wrapped around his middle, head resting on his shoulder. He set the tray down and turned around, smiling softly as he looked Eliott in the eyes. They weren’t as bright as they usually were, but the dull haze that had coated them for the past few days wasn’t there anymore, and Lucas was happy to see the colors he loved a bit more vibrantly. Eliott’s eyes were still his favorite color, that would probably never change. 

“I was just about to bring you breakfast,” Lucas said, nodding his head to the tray. He watched Eliott look down at it, surprise evident on his face.

“You made me breakfast in bed?” he asked softly.

Lucas nodded, wrapping his arms around Eliott’s neck. “Of course. It always makes me feel better when I’m down, so…” he trailed off, seeing an unreadable emotion in Eliott’s expression. “Was it stupid, to do that?”

Eliott’s brows furrowed instantly, head snapping back to meet Lucas’ gaze. “What? No, of course not. It’s just… I’ve been so awful to you these past few days, you don’t need to do anything like this for me.”

“Eliott,” Lucas sighed, “You have not been awful to me at all. Need I remind you that I was intentionally awful to you for like five years back in school?”

“That was different—”

“It was and it wasn’t. You’re allowed bad days, Eliott, and I’m not going to try to fix them for you, because I know that’s not what you want or need. Maybe you’ll yell at me or ignore me, but I’ll always be there to make you breakfast in bed or cuddle with you at night, ok?”

Eliott ran his hands up and down Lucas’ back. “Ok.”

“Good,” Lucas beamed, wiggling out of Eliott’s grip. “Now go back to the bedroom, I have a surprise for you that may or may not be breakfast in bed.”

Eliott smiled, the first one Lucas had seen in days, lifting his hand up to salute Lucas. “Aye, aye captain.”

In hindsight, breakfast in bed probably would have worked much better if Lucas had remembered to grab silverware, but Eliott had tucked Lucas close once he entered the room and set the tray on the bed and hadn’t let him go. It didn’t matter, though, not really, because Eliott was smiling, and Lucas was eating, and they were going to be ok.

No, they were going to be more than ok, they were going to be great. Greatness wasn’t measured by the number of good days versus the bad, it wasn’t measured by anything, really, it was just a simple fact. They were going to be great again, no matter what the present had in store. At least, that was what Angelique had been trying to help him understand. She was also helping him to understand that the days that weren’t great were vital to his existence, because when everything was good, nothing was. 

It was all a bit confusing at times, if Lucas was honest with himself, so he focused on the simple things when it all got to be too much. The sun beams twisting their way through Eliott’s hair in the morning, curtains parted just so. The curtains themselves, a bright, golden yellow, Lucas had picked out because they reminded him of Eliott. The way Eliott buttered Lucas’ toast for him, knowing exactly how he liked it, and the way he did it without thinking twice. Falling in love more and more every single minute wasn’t scary, not anymore, because it was Eliott, and scary wasn’t even a word in Lucas’ vocabulary around him. 

“Thank you,” Eliott said, leaning his head on Lucas’ shoulder. “For the breakfast, and for everything.”

“You’re welcome,” Lucas said, because they both knew Eliott didn’t need to thank him, but Lucas was starting to allow people to thank him for things when they wanted to. “Thank you for being you.”

Because, flaws and all, Lucas was still the person Eliott loved more than anything, and Eliott was still the person Lucas loved more than anything. Maybe it was partially because of their brief stint as rivals, one sided as it might have been. Not caring how the other person saw you broke down every wall before they even got close enough to fall in love. They’d learned to love every ugly part of each other because those parts hadn’t really ever been hidden, because they hadn’t cared to hide them. 

Lucas kissed Eliott’s forehead, loving when Eliott made himself small and tucked himself into Lucas like he could shield him from the world. He probably couldn’t, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try.     

5 YEARS LATER

Eliott was leading Lucas by the hand, blindfolded, and Lucas couldn’t have been happier. They’d been on a date to celebrate their five year anniversary, going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant because they were technically adults now, that was what adults did, but Eliott had blindfolded Lucas immediately after and told Lucas to trust him, as if there was any other option. 

They were both wearing suits, partly because they were celebrating an anniversary, and partly because they both had suits they never wore and didn’t want them or the money they’d spent to go to waste. Lucas had tried to keep his cool all night, but he’d been dying to take Eliott’s clothes off since the minute he’d seen him all dressed up. He didn’t honestly look that different than he did at seventeen, but he looked more Eliott, and in a suit he rendered Lucas completely incapable of coherent thought.

“Eliiii,” he whined, Eliott’s hands still on his shoulders, guiding him. 

Eliott’s laugh was music to his ears, despite the fact he was still blindfolded and had no idea where they were going. “I always forget how whiny you are,” Eliott teased.

“I am not whiny!” Lucas gasped indignantly, dissolving into giggles when he heard Eliott laugh again behind him. After a few more minutes of walking, they came to a stop, so Lucas raised his hands to remove his blindfold, but Eliott swatted them away before he could do so. 

“Dude!” Lucas laughed, and Eliott groaned. 

“This is not the time for you to call me dude,” Eliott complained, and Lucas scoffed.

“I’ll call you dude whenever I want to, dude.”

He heard Eliott sigh, and he smiled triumphantly until he felt Eliott’s hands push him gently. “What the—”

He ripped off the blindfold as he stumbled backwards, landing in something wet. Once he cleared the water from his eyes he saw Eliott standing on the street in front of him, shit eating grin on his face. Lucas surveyed his surroundings, fully intending to be mad, but then he realized where they were. 

“The fucking fountain,” he said, no mirth in his voice at all. 

Eliott nodded. “The fucking fountain.”

“I can’t believe you’ve waited five years to push me into a fucking fountain,” Lucas said, shaking his head. 

Eliott raised his eyebrows. “Not just any fountain!”

“Not just any fountain,” Lucas agreed, “Although, if memory serves, you should be in here with me.”

He vaguely wondered if the water was ruining his only good suit, but decided he didn’t really care. Maybe it was time to get a new one anyway. He held out a hand, and Eliott laughed. “You really think I’m going to fall for that?”

“I don’t think you have a choice, Demaury,” Lucas said, wiggling his fingers, and something shifted in Eliott’s expression. He grasped Lucas’ hand and Lucas pulled him into the fountain, Eliott sputtering indignantly even though he’d known it was coming. 

Eliott stumbled into the fountain clumsily, falling on his ass, and Lucas burst into hysterics. It took him a minute to regain control over himself, and when he did Eliott was still sitting in the fountain, looking up at Lucas with a glimmer in his eyes. 

“I’m not helping you up,” Lucas said, raising one eyebrow and crossing his arms. The corner of his mouth twitched, threatening to collapse him into another bout of laughter, but he remained steady as Eliott shifted from sitting to kneeling, one foot braced on the ground. Lucas sighed overdramatically, holding out a hand. “Ok, fine, I’ll help you up. But only because I love you.”

Eliott’s fingers ghosted over his briefly, not long enough for Lucas to grip them to pull him up, before they disappeared inside his suit jacket, like he was looking for something. He smiled as he found whatever it was, and Lucas became acutely aware of how they were positioned. 

Eliott, on one knee before him, Lucas reaching out a hand, both of them in the fountain that had started it all. 

His heart stopped beating. If he was wrong… but if he was right… 

“Lucas, I’ve loved you since we were children, even if I didn’t know it back then,” Eliott said, and Lucas’ heart started beating again, threatening to burst out of his chest. It was loud inside the fountain, but Lucas almost didn’t hear it, the only thing on his mind the man in front of him. The man, the boy, the love of his life. 

Eliott continued, “You’re the only one I want to see first thing in the morning, even on the bad days, and you’re the only person I can’t picture my life without. I know we’re still young and we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, but I made you a promise five years ago, and I still mean every word. I promised that no matter where we were, you were it for me. You’re the one I love. We’ve been through more ups and downs than most people probably have to go through in their whole lives, but I wouldn’t trade a single second of it, not if it led us here. You have the most beautiful soul I’ve ever seen, and some days I still pinch myself to make sure that this is all real, that you actually chose me. But you did, and I chose you, continue to choose you, and that’s never going to change. And sure, marriage is kind of an arbitrary institution that our generation is moving past as a whole, and our love and commitment to one another speaks loud enough on its own, but Lucas Lallemant, will you marry me?”

Lucas froze with tears in his eyes, watching as the water from the fountain pelted down on Eliott’s head, soaking him more and more with each passing second. He didn’t notice the small crowd of people that had started to surround them in the fountain, whispering and videotaping them. 

A million years passed in a single second when their eyes met, each of them staring into the depths of their favorite color. The world restarted, and Lucas smiled, letting tears mingle with the water on his face. 

“Yes.”

The grin that broke out on Eliott’s face was unlike anything Lucas had ever seen, so blinding he feared he shouldn’t look right at it. In the blink of an eye, he was on his feet, surging forward and capturing Lucas in a time bending kiss that made him feel like he was floating amongst the stars, happiest version of himself in any universe. 

They broke apart laughing as the people that had become voyeurs to one of their greatest moments of personal joy applauded and cheered. Eliott slipped a simple ring onto Lucas finger, and Lucas made a note to himself to get one for Eliott as well. 

“We should probably get out of the fountain now,” Lucas suggested, and Eliott shrugged. 

“Probably,” he agreed. 

The people that had gathered congratulated them as they clumsily hopped out of the stupid fountain that would probably be the site of their wedding if they weren’t careful. They were only twenty-two, but five years together felt like a lifetime, and Lucas had honestly been thinking a lot about marriage and what that might bring for them. They already acted like they were married anyway, why should they wait on making it official?

Lucas couldn’t stop looking at the simple band on his finger, surprised at how well it fit. He was soaked from head to toe, and the season was teetering on winter, but he wasn’t cold, not with all the warmth that had filled in his chest.

Eliott clasped his hand, smiling down at him like he’d done five years ago, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. Lucas didn’t know if Eliott even remembered that was exactly what he’d done after their first kiss, but Lucas remembered, he’d always remember every second of that night, even the fight that had preceded it all, such a trivial thing that had led to something so monumental. 

Everyone surrounding them had more or less dispersed, realizing Lucas and Eliott were done putting on a show, so they walked back to their flat peacefully, content with each other’s presence.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about something,” Eliott said as they walked, thumb rubbing Lucas’ ring. 

Lucas laughed minutely, wondering what else there was to be thinking about. The only other major thing they’d done recently was renew their contracts with the Paris Opera Ballet, if that could even be considered major. “Thinking about what?” he asked. 

Eliott swallowed, looking up at the moon. “Well, I—”

He broke off as Lucas’ phone started to ring. Lucas swore under his breath, he’d been certain he’d put his phone on silent. He glanced up apologetically at Eliott, who simply shook his head to indicate that there were no worries. Grabbing his phone from his pocket, he released Eliott’s hand when he saw the caller ID. Why was the director calling him? He hoped he hadn’t done anything wrong that he’d forgotten about.

The new director was great, though, so he wouldn’t have been worried about her calls if it hadn’t been the first time she’d ever called him. She liked to stay involved professionally, not personally, and most of the time he really appreciated that. Of course, there were some personal things he and Eliott had to share with her, but she never looked at either of them any different knowing what she knew.

“Hello?” he answered, not meaning to phrase it as a question but still completely in the dark as to the reason for the call. When she started to speak, it wasn’t that Lucas wasn’t listening, he heard every word she said, but his head filled with a buzz, blocking out everything in the outside world. He was registering the words he was hearing, but he wasn’t sure he was responding, at least not coherently. It couldn’t be true, this couldn’t be happening.

His mind left his body, only coming back down when Eliott placed a hand on his cheek. He didn’t know how long he’d been standing there, phone frozen in front of him, wide eyed blank expression on his face. 

“Lucas?” Eliott asked, concern written all over his face. “Is everything all right?”

Was everything all right? Was what the director had just said real? 

“I…” he began, trying to find the words he was looking for. “She…”

“She?” Eliott prompted, still looking nervous. 

“I’m a principal dancer in the company,” Lucas said, or maybe didn’t say. He wasn’t sure. 

Judging by the way Eliott’s eyes got so wide they nearly took up his entire face, he had, in fact, spoken aloud. “You what?”

“The director,” Lucas said dazedly, “She called to tell me they’re making me a principal dancer in the company.”

If Lucas had thought Eliott’s smile before was blinding, that had nothing on this one. “Are you serious? Lu! What the fuck that’s incredible! At twenty-two years old! And you’ve only been a soloist, what, for a year?”

Lucas nodded, brain still fuzzy and uncomprehending. He and Eliott were both soloists, Eliott had entered the company as one. It didn’t seem possible… maybe they mixed up Eliott’s number with his? All the other principal dancers were older than him, not by much, admittedly, because ballet didn’t have many dancers aged into their late thirties and forties, but still.

“Is tonight real?” Lucas asked, because he’d also just gotten engaged. Somehow that seemed a million times easier to stomach than the other news he’d received.

“It is,” Eliott said softly, toning down his blinding smile as he realized that the pure disbelief that Lucas was feeling was too present for him to feel any form of happiness. 

Lucas blinked up at Eliott, shaking his head. “Why wasn’t it you?”

Eliott furrowed his eyebrows. “Why wasn’t what me?”

“You should be the principal dancer… are you sure they didn’t call you? This is my phone right?” Lucas was spiraling a tiny bit, thank god for Eliott, being steady and grounded when his head started spinning. 

“Lucas, they meant to call you, not me, because you deserve this. You’re the best dancer in the company by a mile.”

“But you’re better, you’ve always been better.”

Eliott shrugged. “Maybe I’m not what they’re looking for. Besides, I wouldn’t want to be a principal dancer anyway.”

Lucas gawked at him. Was the whole world flipped upside down, was this an episode of Stranger Things? “That’s always been your dream.”

“Maybe, like, top three dreams,” Eliott agreed. 

“Eliott what are you talking about?” Lucas asked, feeling his brain enter his body again, bit by bit.

“That was what I was about to talk to you about, actually,” Eliott said sheepishly, “Though I’m not sure if now is the right time anymore.”

“Eliott. Tell me.”

Eliott sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Principal dancer has been my dream, but there are two others that outweigh it, and I already have one, and I think it’s time for me to start reaching for the other one seriously.”

Lucas blinked. “Ok?”

“The dream I have, it’s you,” Eliott said, and Lucas levelled him with a look, causing Eliott to laugh. “I’m serious! I can’t help it if you’re the Rapunzel to my Flynn Ryder—”

“I’m Flynn Ryder and you know it,” Lucas interrupted, earning a short laugh.

“—But my other dream, well, you know this one too, actually, is Polaris. I want to commit to Polaris full time, quit the company in the meantime.”

Now Lucas’ eyes turned into saucers. “You what?”

“I know I should have said something before now, but I wasn’t totally sure until now,” Eliott said quickly, words running together, “I’ll still be here, though, with you. It won’t be like Australia, in fact, I still want you to compose the music, but I understand if you don’t want to or don’t have the time…” 

“Eliott,” Lucas laughed, “I’m not mad, how could I be mad?”

“You… aren’t?” Eliott clarified hopefully.

“No! Just surprised.” He paused, taking both of Eliott’s hands in his. “I’ll support you in whatever you want to do, you know that, right?”

Eliott nodded, gripping his hands tighter. “I do. I just didn’t want you to think it was because you’re a principal dancer now, or anything.”

“The thought never even crossed my mind,” Lucas answered truthfully. They were long past the jealousy and rivalry. If Eliott had made principal dancer, Lucas would have been equally happy for him. 

Principal dancer. Now that he was back on earth, it was sinking in more and more. He wasn’t the first of their friends to be a principal dancer, but did Manon really count? She hadn’t ever even been in the corps, soloist straight out of school. Her and Daphné were still thriving at the Royal Ballet, and Noora and her girlfriend had ended up moving in with them to take Lucas’ place. He was pretty sure they were getting their own place soon, but was glad that they’d kept the gay alive in his absence. He missed Manon a lot, and he couldn’t wait to rub it in her face that she may have been principal dancer before him, but he was engaged before her. 

“I’m a principal dancer in the Paris Opera Ballet,” Lucas said aloud, finally believing it. 

Eliott smiled. “You are.”

“I’m engaged to the man of my dreams,” he said. What a day it had been. 

Eliott pulled him close. He realized they were both still soaking wet, and laughed. “You are,” Eliott said again, bringing them closer still. 

“I love you, Eliott,” Lucas said, observing the stars reflecting in Eliott’s luminescent eyes. “I didn’t say it before, but I should have. Even though you know it, I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“And I love you.”

If he wasn’t mistaken, Lucas might have seen a shooting star soaring behind Eliott’s head. He didn’t make a wish though, because he realized he didn’t need to. He had everything that he’d ever wanted. 

And this was only the beginning.            

10 YEARS LATER

Lucas was standing backstage, like he had so many times before, but this was the first time he’d been truly nervous. It was the opening night of Polaris, a ballet Eliott had choreographed and staged, and he had composed music for. Five years ago he never would have expected this to come to fruition so quickly, but there they were. Five years ago, he wouldn’t have expected a lot of things, but life had many surprises. 

It was absolutely insane to think that in such a short time he’d become one of the most sought after dancers in the world, and he still didn’t believe it to be true, but there had been some definite successes since he’d become one of the youngest principal dancers in the company. He had no intention of leaving Paris anytime soon, but he had done a few performances at different places around the world in the meantime, stunned that people would travel any distance to see him dance.

Professionally, he was still Lucas Lallemant, a decision he’d struggled with a bit since marrying Eliott, but he’d decided to stop allowing his father’s influence to control his life and what he did with it, showing the world that Lallemant wasn’t a dirty name, even if they’d never known that it was. Everywhere else, though, he was Lucas Lallemant-Demaury. Ten years ago he’d told Eliott he wanted to be a Demaury, and he hadn’t changed his mind, but it was important for him to take ownership of who he was because at the end of the day, a name was just a name. He wouldn’t let a name scare him anymore.

Eliott had risen to great prominence as a choreographer, staging pieces around the world that brought audiences to tears and filled them with joy. Polaris was his first full ballet, and everyone close to him knew that this was the only one that had ever really mattered, no matter the time and care he put into others. If his other pieces had been so impactful, the world clearly wasn’t ready for Polaris. It was the first ballet in history to star two male leads in a romantic story, which was groundbreaking enough as it was, especially to be put on for the first time in such a company of prestige.

They were more successful than either of them had ever expected to be, especially at the young age of twenty-seven, and for the most part they still didn’t know what to do with that success. They’d both been very outspoken about mental health and LGBTQ+ rights, which seemed like a good place to start, and they’d gotten a dog, a little Pomeranian named Ouba, who they loved only second to each other. They’d discussed kids, but Lucas knew that he had no intentions of leaving the stage anytime soon, and Eliott hadn’t too many dreams and plans he wanted to pursue to consider raising a child. They reserved the right to change their minds in the future, but in the present moment they were happy with it just being the two of them and Ouba taking on the world one minute at a time.

The world rejoiced when Eliott had announced he was coming back to the stage to perform opposite Lucas in the lead roles, though Lucas had known that was his plan from the beginning. Working so closely with Eliott was something he’d missed, and Eliott had missed too. He’d composed all the music with a little help from people in the industry trained for this sort of thing, including Eliott’s friend from Australia, Niccolo, and practicing to the music he’d heard in his head for ten years was a visceral experience. He couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to perform on stage in a little under an hour. Then again and again for as long as the show would run. 

All of their old friends from school were in the audience for the performance, which filled Lucas’ heart with joy. Well, they were supposed to be in the audience, but Eliott had invited them all backstage for a little pre-show reunion, despite the fact that the cast should have been focused. 

Imane and Sofiane were in the show as well, as they were both dancing with the Paris Opera Ballet, and they both had prominent roles because Eliott would accept nothing less for them. Plus, they were still two of the best dancer Lucas knew, and they deserved every bit accolade they had or would receive in their lives. They’d gotten married a year after Lucas and Eliott had, and Lucas knew that they’d been discussing some of the things Eliott and Lucas discussed recently. Imane loved ballet, and Sofiane loved Imane, so Lucas didn’t expect any Alaoui kids in the near future, but he did think there would be some eventually, and expected to be referred to as Uncle Lucas when they did come into the world.

Yann wasn’t dancing anymore, which had come as a bit of a shock to Lucas when Yann had visited and told them he was going to ‘retire’ from the dance world two or so years back. He’d met a girl in Berlin, Emmeline, but they’d moved back to Paris fairly recently and things seemed to be going quite well with them. He tried not to tease Yann too much about the fact that he’d dated an Emma, and now an Emmeline. Lucas knew that Yann was planning to propose to her any day now, but if he knew anything about Emmeline, it was that she’d probably get around to popping the question before Yann could even get down on one knee. He liked her a lot. 

Arthur wasn’t dancing anymore either, at least not in a company. He’d taken his abuser to court while dancing in Amsterdam and the settlement payout had been much more money than Arthur had ever been expecting, so he’d put it towards starting his own ballet school in Amsterdam. Lucas had been a bit sad to hear he wouldn’t be coming back to Paris, that his life was elsewhere now, but he and VDH were still together, and he seemed happier than he ever had been, so Lucas was happy as a result. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t still tease Arthur for having a crush on him ten years ago, especially not when Arthur asked him to come teach master classes for his students. Definitely not. 

Basile was living large, doing whatever it was that Basile did best. Last Lucas had spoken to him he’d been applying to schools to go back and get his doctorate in French, because he wanted to be a professor. Lucas had been surprised at first, but then he’d realized that he’d never actually known what it was that Basile wanted to do with his life, so he accepted it with no more than a shrug. He wasn’t dating anyone presently, but Yann and Lucas had secretly been planning to set him up with a girl named Leia, who’d danced with them at school and they’d recently gotten back in touch with because she was friends with Emmeline.

Alexia had become quite the fixture in their lives, surprisingly, because she’d helped Eliott a lot with blocking and planning Polaris. She may have quit ballet a long time ago, but Lucas could tell she was still very passionate about dance, and he thought she might have a future in choreography if she wanted it. She was also their designated dogsitter, which had somehow led to her reconnecting with Chloé, who Yann had briefly dated— and Lucas had too, but that didn’t really count— and apparently now they were planning on moving in together. Oh, how small the world was.

Emma, surprising all of them, had married Alex briefly, then got divorced, then married him again. Lucas was pretty sure it would last this time, knew that it only hadn’t lasted the first time because both of them wanted to experience a little bit more of the world before settling down, soon realizing that their hearts kept finding their way back to each other and would keep doing so. They had a kid together, a little spitfire named Amelie, and she and Lucas got along a little bit too well for their own good. Emma and Lucas had always had a friendship teetering on chaos, so it was inevitable that the same would be said for her daughter. 

Manon and Daphné, of course, were still together. Lucas still held it over their head that he and Eliott got married three months before they did, but everyone knew that it was in good humor. In fact, they were expecting their first child together, something Lucas definitely hadn’t seen coming. He’d also assumed they would adopt, but Daphné had wanted to have a biological child and Manon had agreed. They’d had an anonymous donor, and Lucas had feigned offense that they hadn’t wanted his dna. Manon was terrified of having children, at least physically, but apparently Daphné had really wanted to be the one to carry their baby, so it had all worked out for them. Lucas didn’t know whether or not she planned on returning to ballet after the baby was born, but he supposed Daphné and Manon would figure that out amongst themselves. Manon was probably more famous in the ballet world than he or Eliott could even dream of, which was unsurprising to everyone but Manon.

They were all there, looking the same and yet so completely different than they had ten years ago. It was terrifying to think ten years had passed, because in some respects Lucas had no idea where the time had gone, but in some ways it also felt like three whole lifetimes had been lived in the last ten years. He was still doing well, had only had a minor relapse of his eating disorder during his first year as a principal dancer, but Eliott had been there through it all and he’d made his way out of it stronger than ever. Eliott had a few episodes, having to change his medication after the most recent one, but he’d been good for a long while too, and the depression hadn’t hit as hard in both of his most recent episodes. He attributed it to Lucas, though Lucas would never agree, knowing that it was just brain chemicals doing whatever the hell they wanted to at any given time, but it made him happy to make Eliott happy in whatever way he could. 

Manon looked regal and sharp, every bit the prima ballerina she’d shaped up to be, red lipstick perfectly applied like it always had been as she ran over to Lucas to hug him. Daphné was right behind her, albeit a bit slower given her current condition, but she looked just as beautiful as Manon but in a softer way. 

“When are you due?” Eliott asked her excitedly as the two of them hugged, and Daphné beamed, lacing her hand with Manon’s. 

“Eight weeks,” she said, catching Manon’s eye. The way the two of them looked at each other… if Lucas didn’t have Eliott to look at like that, he probably would have pretended to barf all over the both of them. 

Arthur and VDH approached next, who Lucas refused to refer to as anything other than VDH, which Arthur rolled his eyes at every time but VDH himself had said he didn’t mind at all. Isa and some of her friends had joined, standing a bit on the outskirts of the group because Isa was the only one who knew Lucas well. He recognized Liv and her girlfriend Engel, because Arthur had lived with Liv and Isa had talked about the two of them all the time, so he assumed the other three girls must have been Janna, who danced in Sweden, Imaan, who wasn’t a dancer, and Esra, who was a well known name in the dance community for being the first hijabi muslim principal dancer in the American Ballet Theatre. Lucas was a bit intimidated to be in her presence, actually, because he’d followed her career and admired her so much, but she seemed very down to earth from what he’d heard through Isa. 

“You’re going to kill it,” Arthur said pulling him into a hug. He was wearing the same glasses he’d worn back during school, but they still suited him. “And if you don’t, I’ll let you join my tiny tots ballet class, see if you can learn something from them.”

“Ha ha,” Lucas deadpanned, smirking despite himself. “Tiny tots, huh?”

Arthur widened his eyes in a don’t ask sort of way. “Past me was an ambitious man,” he lamented. 

VDH nudged his shoulder. “Shut up, the kids love you. And you love them, no matter what you say on the contrary.”

“I just picture them all as baby Yoda,” Arthur admitted, earning him another nudge. 

“Dude, the baby Yoda meme died, like, ten years ago,” Lucas laughed. 

Arthur scoffed in offense, putting a hand up to his chest. “Baby Yoda is eternal.”

Yann entered their conversation at that moment, raising his eyebrows when he noticed all of them bursting into uncontrollable laughter. “Three Musketeers back and better than ever, huh?”

“It’s been way too fucking long, man,” Arthur said once he caught his breath, wiping his eyes for errant tears. Lucas nodded in agreement, just as Baz joined the circle. 

“I sure hope you didn’t forget about me,” he pouted, and the three of them pulled him into a bearhug, Eliott engaged in conversation with Idriss, Imane, and Sofiane, and VDH moving back to talk with his friends. 

“As if we ever could,” Lucas said to Basile, ruffling his curly hair. 

“I sure hope not! Just because I don’t have a hot boyfriend, doesn’t mean I’m not still a part of the group, right?” Basile scoffed indignantly. 

Yann cocked his head to the side. “Pretty sure I don’t have a hot boyfriend, Baz.”

“But you totally could, if you wanted to,” he said, as if that explained everything, and the three of them burst into even more laughter. Lucas had to get control over himself, otherwise he’d have to redo his makeup, a task he really did not want to complete for a second time that night. 

A hand tapped his leg and Lucas looked down with a grin to see three year old Amelie Delano, looking mischievous as ever. “Uncle Arthur said to call you Uncle Lulu,” she said breathlessly, in that way all three year olds did. 

Lucas glared at Arthur, who became suddenly interested in the set on stage. Lucas bent down to be eye level with Amelie. “You can call me whatever you want,” he said, because if he was being honest it was adorable to hear a toddler call him Uncle Lulu. 

Emma appeared at Amelie’s side, sighing deeply. “There you are, I should have known you’d be with Uncle Lucas.”

“Lulu,” Amelie said indignantly, and Emma raised one eyebrow in Lucas’ direction, holding back a laugh. 

“Lulu,” Lucas agreed with defeat, giving her tiny hand a high five. 

“Break a leg out there,” Emma said as he straightened up, giving him a high five of her own. 

“Yours, maybe,” he said with a half a smirk, wondering if she remembered one of their old inside jokes. At first she looked confused, but he saw the exact moment she remembered, laughing in a nostalgic sort of way. 

She pointed at him. “Still the same, I see.”

“Why mess with perfection?” he joked, knowing full well that he would never have been standing where he was if he’d actually stayed the same person he was back then.

A hand wrapped around his waist and he turned to see Eliott, softness in his eyes that was reserved only for Lucas and Ouba. “We should get ready,” Eliott said, and the nerves kicked in again. 

“We should,” Lucas agreed, and he saw Eliott read the anxiety in his eyes. The two of them moved a little bit out of the way of everyone, finding their own bubble of peace amidst the chaos like they always did. 

Eliott put his hands on either side of Lucas’ face. “Don’t be afraid.”

“I’m not,” Lucas lied, and Eliott saw right through him again. 

“This show, it’s everything to me,” Eliott began, and Lucas frowned. 

“How is that supposed to make me less nervous?” 

Eliott laughed, shaking his head. “Let me finish, Lu. It’s everything to me, because of you. Because I had a dream, and you helped me turn it into a reality, and now I’m living out a dream I never knew I had, the dream of us dancing side by side in a story I’ve held close to my heart for almost twelve years. I don’t care what it looks like to the audience, maybe I should, but I really don't. All I care about is you and I giving the performance I know we’re capable of, because it’s fueled by all the love we share. I’m not afraid, because you’re the best dancer I’ve ever known, and because of all the shit life’s thrown our way, we’ve made it out stronger each time. We can handle anything on our own, but when we’re together all the struggles and pain turn to pure magic, consuming every atom of my being.”

“In another universe you’re a poet, I think. Or maybe a songwriter,” Lucas said dumbly, struck by the power and intention in Eliott’s voice, the love and care in his words. 

Eliott smiled and leaned in close, brushing their noses together, like he was waiting. Lucas closed the gap, kissing Eliott deeply. He pulled away, Eliott chasing his lips, and placed his hands on Eliott’s face, each of them holding the world in their hands. 

“I’m not afraid,” he said again, and this time it wasn’t a lie.

“Not afraid?”

“Not afraid.”

“Well then, let’s go give the audience the show of a lifetime,” Eliott said, dropping his hands from Lucas’ face and holding one out to him. Lucas accepted it following him back into the hustle and bustle of being backstage the opening night of a ballet. It was Lucas’ favorite place to be, other than wrapped in Eliott’s arms. They took their places in the wings, breaths in synch and hearts on fire.

Eliott had been so many of Lucas’ firsts. First friend, first enemy, first love, first heartbreak, first (and only, if he had anything to say about it) husband, first person Lucas had shown himself to completely, every crack and bruise and flaw most people would flinch away from. Eliott never flinched, which was what made him the last of everything too. 

He would be Lucas’ last love, his last husband, his last kiss. There were so many firsts left in his life, and even more lasts, but Eliott would be a part of all of them. And he would be a part of all of Eliott’s. 

Lucas looked out at the stage, a mix of melancholy and longing filling his body. There would be a last dance too, of course there would, but that was another thing Lucas wasn’t scared of anymore. He wasn’t scared, because he knew that Eliott would be right there for all of the firsts and all of the lasts, even his last dance.

He looked at Eliott, finding his hand and squeezing it once.

Especially his last dance. 

The curtain went up and the music began to swell, and Lucas stepped onto the stage, leaving Eliott’s hand behind him. 

Even after years of training, the Paris Opera Ballet was still everything Lucas dreamed it would be. And, he realized, gazing out at the audience, each person waiting for him to blow them away, it was all his. It always had been.

He smiled, and began to dance.

[freddiesaysalright]

Catching Up Part XIII

A Joe Mazzello x Reader Fic

Summary: Reader is a writer for an entertainment news network and after Joe comes in to do an interview, they reconnect. Unexpectedly, they’re having a child together.  

Word Count: 3K

Tag List: @crazylittlethingcalledobsession, @jennyggggrrr, @somethinginthewayiam, @grandaddy-roger-trash, @rogerloveshiscar @danamaleksworld, @mrsmazzello, @reedusteinrambles, @rexorangecouny, @caborhapch, @kurt-nightcrawler, @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls, @queendeakyy, @hotttspace, @anxious-diabetic, @someone-get-a-medic, @psychosupernatural, @lizvxx, @cobra-anon, @anotherhystericalqueen @briarrose26, @ziggymay @hopefully-aesthetically-pleasing, @mazzello-lee-jones-malek This story is almost over, but it’s not too late to be tagged for the epilogue! Coming soon!

A/N: Okay, I thought this was gonna be the last bit, but nah, I want more. There will be a short epilogue to wrap it up :)

Part I  Part II  Part III  Part IV  Part V  Part VI Part VII  Part VIII  Part IX  Part X  Part XI  Part XII

Part XIII here we go!!!

“Joey!” Joe blubbered at his son. “Do you know that it’s your birthday? That you’re a year old today?”

They were sprawled out on the floor, on Joey’s favorite blanket as he played with a few gifts Joe had already given him first thing in the morning. He wanted today to be happy. A real celebration.

Joey said a soft “Da-da” back and Joe’s heart swelled.

“Of course you know, you brilliant boy!” He kissed him on the nose.

There was a soft knock on the door, so Joe stood up, bending over to pick up Joey, and he padded down the little hallway to answer. He opened it to reveal Ben. He carried a few gifts and a bottle of wine.

“Hey, mate,” he said to Joe and then beamed at Joey. “Happy birthday, darling boy!”

Joe smiled. “Can you say thank you to Uncle Ben, buddy?”

Joey just grinned and grasped for Ben. Joe stepped aside to allow Ben through the door. They made their way to the kitchen to Ben could set his things down. Then he took Joey in his arms and kissed his face until the boy was shrieking and giggling.

“I finally had to hide cardboard Ben,” Joe said as he watched. “Joey kept wanting him to hold him and then he’d cry when he couldn’t.”

“Oh, no!” Ben laughed. “Well, I’ll try to stop by more often so he can have the real thing.”

Gwilym arrived next. He also had too many gifts. Rami and Lucy followed, newlywed and looking thrilled. They all wished Joey a very happy birthday and he beamed at their affection.

“He looks more like you every day, Joe,” Gwilym observed, caressing Joey’s little head.

Joe shrugged. “Well, he’s got Y/N’s smile.”

“Well, she gave him a good one, didn’t she?” Lucy added, pinching Joey’s cheek softly.

“Where is Y/N, by the way?” Rami asked.

“Picking up the cake,” Joe said. “Apparently there was a mishap at the bakery. They thought she said ‘joy’ instead of ‘Joey.’”

Ben snorted. “That’s hilarious. I hope she got a picture.”

“Yeah, wanna see?” Joe offered, picking up his phone.

He opened it to show them a picture Christy took of you holding the cake and pretending to cry. It was followed by one of the baker fixing it while you did a thumbs up and grinned. They all laughed.

“I tried to tell her he wouldn’t care, but she said this was mostly for her anyway,” he said, chuckling.

“God, I love her,” Lucy said.

“She should be home pretty soon,” he replied, glancing out the window. “I’m not sure what’s taking so long.”

Rami put a comforting hand on Joe’s shoulder. “She’s probably just driving, Joe.”

Since the day Joey was born - the day Joe nearly lost you - he was more protective than before. It took Ben, Rami, and Gwilym practically kidnapping him to get him to the Oscars the following week. Christy stayed with you and Joey, since eclampsia could cause postpartum seizures sometimes. Thankfully, you didn’t have another one and Joe had nothing to worry about. He also insisted on getting married as soon as possible. He had told you that when he thought you were gone, his biggest regret was not marrying you. So, on March first, you went to the courthouse and sealed the deal. Christy served as your witness, and she held Joey in her arms.

Since then, he took you and Joey everywhere with him. Wherever he was filming, you guys got to go. It was actually really fun. You had hated being apart from him during your pregnancy, and you liked that Joey got to spend more time with his dad. You quit your job at Everything Entertainment to be a full time mother, so you didn’t mind this new lifestyle.

You did not remember most of the day of Joey’s birth. You remembered childbirth, of course, but the hours before and the seizure after were blank. Joe tried to explain it to you, but he got so emotional that you told him it was probably best you didn’t know. Dr. Jones acted quickly, and they were just barely able to save you. You remembered the way Joe held you when you came back to him. The sound of his sobs as he thanked God you were alive. That was the part you would never forget.

To this day, Joe went to bed when you did. He was sure to tell you he loved you every night before you fell asleep. It was also the first thing he said each morning. He told you he would never again take for granted the fact that you were there to say it back.

When your car pulled into the driveway, he let out a small sigh of relief. He watched you and Christy walk up to the front door, cake in tow, and within seconds you appeared in the kitchen.

“Hi, everybody!” you greeted, as Joe beat them to you and took you in his arms. “Hi, honey!”

He kissed your cheek. “The cake come out okay?”

“It’s perfect,” Christy answered, placing it on the counter where everyone could see.

They “oohed” and “ahhed” over it for a moment and then you freed yourself from Joe to say hello to everyone, including your son, who was currently in Gwilym’s arms. Joey let you kiss him but clung to Gwilym’s sweater, so you let him stay there.

“Oh, Joe, you’ll never guess who I saw at the grocery store!” you said.

“Who was it?” he wondered.

“Nick!” you cried, still in disbelief. “He’s working at the deli there as a butcher basically. But he showed me his one year chip, so he’s doing really well.”

“Good for him!” Joe agreed. “Glad to hear he’s on the right track.”

“Yeah, supposedly he found Jesus or something in prison,” you explained. “Whatever helps, I guess. I told him I was proud of him.”

“You’re so sweet, baby,” he said.

You all chatted for a little while longer, sipping drinks and picking at snacks you had put out before you left to get the cake. Joe was making spaghetti for dinner, but that wouldn’t be until later. You were finally holding Joey again and talking to Lucy when he suddenly squirmed in your arms.

“Bee!” he cried, reaching for Ben and opening and closing his tiny fists.

All eyes turned on him at his little outburst.

“Beeeeeeee!” he said again, struggling harder.

You laughed. “Okay, I get it, you want Ben!”

Ben walked over and relieved you.

“I guess you’re Bee now,” you joked.

“He can call me whatever he wants, really,” Ben returned. “He’s my favorite person in the whole world.”

“I’d say the feeling’s pretty mutual,” you replied.

Joey affectionately grabbed Ben’s nose.

“How’s he doing on the talking?” asked Lucy.

“Pretty good!” you said. “He knows ‘Mama’ and ‘Dada’ and ‘No,’ and a few other simple words. Now apparently he’s got half of Ben’s name.”

“I’m trying to get him to say ‘Christy’ but no luck so far,” said Christy.

“I don’t have a prayer, do I?” Gwilym joked.

You chuckled and shook your head. “Not for a while, anyway.”

You looked on as Ben spun Joey around in circles until the boy was breathless from laughter. When Ben would stop, he would cry, “Bee, go!” and Ben would start again. This went on for several minutes until both Ben and Joey were giggly and dizzy.

“Should we open presents now?” you asked, checking your watch.

Everyone agreed and moved to the living room, taking seats on the sectional. All save Ben, who sat on the floor with Joey. You and Joe gathered up all the presents and set them down around him.

“Are you ready, Joey?” Ben asked. “Bee’s gonna help you, so which d’you wanna open first?”

He reached for a package from Brian and Roger. They were on tour, but had sent the gift and a card with their love. Ben helped him open it and it turned out to be a toy guitar and some Queen jammies. You were writing everything down so you could do thank you cards later.

There were so many gifts that Rami and Gwilym ended up pitching in to help open as well. Lucy and Christy took so many photos you were sure their phones would run out of memory. Joey was blessed with an abundance of love and gifts. The guys helped him sort them out while you went to get candles on the cake. You laughed as you watched them from the kitchen. Rami was passing Joey a ball.

“Ami!” Joey said with delight, bouncing up and down.

“Really close, bud!” Joe praised.

“I’m thrilled he got that much!” Rami returned.

Lucy joined you in the kitchen to offer her help. You assured her it was fine since you only needed one candle.

“You and Joe have made the perfect little boy,” she said.

“Thank you, Luc,” you replied. “Honestly, I want to try for another.”

She cocked her head to the side with a questioning look. You shook your head.

“Nevermind,” you said. “I shouldn’t talk about this now.”

She sighed, then stepped closer so she could speak in a lower voice. “Joe’s hesitant to have another baby?”

“Yeah,” you whispered back. “It’s weird because he was the one who wanted more kids from the start.”

“Okay, I’m gonna tell you something but you didn’t hear it from me,” she said, and you nodded. “Joe really blamed himself for your near death experience. He told Rami he felt terrible because he felt like he could have done more to help with your blood pressure or reached out to Dr. Jones when you said you had the headaches. He even said something like ‘if I hadn’t gotten her pregnant in the first place…’”

“Oh my God,” you breathed. “He really felt that way?”

“Just for a little while,” she told you. “They had that conversation after the Oscars, but it could mean that he doesn’t want to risk losing you again.”

“I can’t believe he never told me he was going through that…” you said.

“He didn’t want you to worry,” she explained. “He was so scared you were gone, Y/N. We all were. But it really just...tore Joe up.”

Tears welled up in your eyes. You blinked them away and refocused on the cake. You quietly thanked Lucy for telling you before calling the boys and Christy over. You lit the candle and Joe carried Joey over and placed him in his high chair.

As you brought the cake over, everyone started to sing the birthday song to Joey. He looked confused, although pleased to have everyone’s attention. After the candle was blown out and your little boy had made a proper mess of himself with the icing, everyone clapped for him. You started to take him upstairs for a quick bath and a change, but your friends insisted on doing it for you, so all of them took Joey upstairs, leaving you and Joe to clean up the kitchen.

Joe started cutting slices of cake for the adults to enjoy while you swept up the crumbs from under Joey’s highchair. Lucy’s words were still fresh in your mind as you went, and you wondered how to bring it up. It just upset you so much that he never confided in you.

“I can’t believe it’s been a year already,” you said casually. “I feel like he was born yesterday.”

“No offense, but I’m pretty glad that day has passed,” he said with a chuckle.

Tears clouded your eyes again.

“I’m sorry, Joe,” you said, your voice thick with emotion. “I know that was a difficult day for you.”

“It’s not your fault, baby,” he said sweetly.

“It’s not yours either, you know,” you returned. You turned to face him and saw him stiffen at your words. “Joe, do you...do you regret having Joey?”

“What?! No!” he insisted. “I love our son. I wouldn’t trade him for anything.”

You sniffled. “I’d go through it all again for him,” you choked out. “For him, and any other children we have.”

“What are you trying to say, Y/N?” he asked pointedly.

“I’ve been talking a bit about wanting another baby and you keep blowing me off,” you explained. “I think it’s because you’re afraid of a repeat of Joey’s birth, but that wouldn’t happen. We know what to look for now.”

He averted his eyes. You stepped to him where he leaned against the counter, wrapping your arms around his waist and pressing your lips to his shoulder.

“I love you, Joe,” you said. “I love you so much. I’ll never leave you again, I promise.”

He turned around in your arms and held you closer. He kissed the top of your head. “I love you too. I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding that conversation. I just...I’m so scared of losing you. Even thinking about it now...God, my heart can’t take it.”

You squeezed him gently. “I’m right here, Joe. In your arms. Forever.”

He rested his cheek on your head. You stood there like that for what felt like hours, just holding each other.

You heard your friends thundering back down the stairs. Rami held Joey, who was in his new Queen pajamas, smiling and laughing. You quickly wiped your eyes and smiled at him.

“Wow, we have the coolest baby in the world!” you said excitedly. “Thanks for cleaning him up, guys.”

“It was fun,” Gwilym assured you.

“Your bathroom might be a mess now, but that’s not important,” Christy said lightly.

You rolled your eyes. “Oh, God.”

Joey reached for you, so Rami allowed you to gather the boy in your arms. You felt a little bad that you hadn’t practiced hardly any walking with him the whole day, but you figured on his birthday he could be a little spoiled. You adjusted the little tuft of hair on his head.

“Did you have fun with your aunties and uncles?” you asked. “They love you so much! You are a lucky boy!”

He spent the remainder of the afternoon playing with his new toys. But he probably had the most fun when Ben and Gwilym put him in one of the larger boxes and dragged him around the living room. Again, you rolled your eyes. All the toys he got, and he loved the box. He was also fascinated by the toy guitar, which, when strummed, played famous rock songs. From Queen, it played a portion of Bohemian Rhapsody.

Around seven, it was time for him to go to bed, so you let him choose one of the books Gwilym got him for a bedtime story, and then everyone told him goodnight before you carried him upstairs to put him down for the night. Joe was finishing up dinner.

“Ben can you watch the stove?” he asked. “I’m gonna run up and give Joey one more kiss.”

Ben agreed and Joe followed you upstairs. He watched from the hallway as you read aloud to Joey on your bed. It was a story about a family and Joey was riveted by the pictures and the pages turning.

“Can you find the mommy?” you asked him.

He slapped his hand down on the page and you smiled.

“Very good!” you praised. “Can you find the daddy?”

He did the same on the other side of the page.

“Very good! And can you find the baby?”

Again, he hit the mark.

“Very, very good, Joey! You’re my smart boy!”

You kissed his cheek and he giggled. He pointed to another part of the picture and looked questioningly up at you.

“That’s a doggie,” you said. “We don’t have one of those.”

You continued the story. Joe appeared in the doorframe and you smiled at him. Joey’s sleepy head finally plopped onto your shoulder and you carried him to his crib, Joe close by. When Joey was settled, your husband looked at you, something flickering behind his eyes.

“Okay,” he said.

“Okay, what?” you wondered, as you closed the nursery door.

“Let’s have another.”

You gasped. “Joe, really?! You really want to?!”

He nodded and grinned at you. “I really want to, Y/N.”

You threw yourself happily into his arms. He spun you around and kissed you. Then, taking his hand, you followed him back down to the kitchen to have dinner with your friends.

Dinner was fun, and you realized how much you missed everyone when they had to leave. But the evening wound down, and it was time for them to head to their hotel rooms or home. You would see them again in the morning when you were all going to brunch, but pretty soon after that, they’d all go their separate ways, and you were never quite sure when you’d all be together again. It always made you a little sad.

When everyone was gone, you watched Joe lock the door behind them. He slowly walked back over to you and took you in his arms. He kissed you fiercely. You thought you might melt from the heat of it.

“I love you so much,” you whispered breathlessly. “So much, Joe.”

“I love you, Y/N,” he returned, holding you tightly. “Fuck, I love you so much.”

He carried you to your bedroom and made sweet, slow love to you. Throughout, he told you again how much he loved you. He also showed you through the way he touched you and kissed you and thrust into you. You held tight to him, gasping and moaning softly, but taking everything he had to give. All you could say or think was Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

You fell asleep that night completely engulfed in one another. Taking comfort in each other’s presence. Knowing you’d both be there in the morning and every morning after. Your family would grow, but this tangled heap in the bed was the heart of it. Where love began and never ended.

[otakucalsama]

cal’s bella x wolves fic recs

hello! this is cal here (obviously) and i’m just reposting this. i made it a while back, but the links didn’t work, so now i’m redoing it. this time, i’m going to make it smaller, with more posts, instead of larger in one post. so without further ado, here is my bella x the wolves fic recs. also, this is only for completed fics, so if you have a story i didn’t add (that’s complete) send me a link and i’ll read it and then decide whether to add it or not. i will not, however, take any bella x edward, bella x jasper, or bella x jacob fics. 

other fic recs here

last updated- 12/2/19

j a r e d x b e l l a

i. firebound by someryn / m / 70-75k, multi-chaptered / complete

After the battle with the newborns, Bella stumbles into an entirely new destiny. She’d thought she’d already made all the hard decisions. Now she doesn’t know if her world is falling apart or finally falling together. Bella/Jared.

ii. she belongs with me by booksteaandcake13 / m / 70-75k, multi-chaptered / complete

A fan fiction about the imprinting on Bella by Jared. When Bella goes looking for Jake, she meets Jared instead. How do they make their relationship work, and how does Jacob deal with it? Will Jacob find a new romance?

iii. a difficult choice by nefertel / t / 25-30k, multi-chaptered / complete

Bella breaks free from Edward to visit Jacob but something happens that no one expected. What will happen to Bella and Edward. BXJ pairing. Rated T for now may change to M.

iv. seven days by lilyaurora / m / 2-3k, one-shot / complete

“Please. I’m begging, just… just talk to me. Please.” His heart ached as he watched her eyes fill with unshed tears. Her long, beautiful hair moved fluidly as she shook her head in reply, not trusting her voice. He reached towards her, wanting to comfort her. But she pulled away, a gasp on her plump lips, eyes wide

v. the man who can’t be moved by vampirefairy13 / t / 10-15k, two-shot / complete

Songfic. Despite being imprinted on by Jared, Bella chooses another, his sworn enemy. When all his previous attempts to change Bella’s mind fail he is forced to wait where they first met hoping she will come to her senses. But what if it’s too late?

p a u l x b e l l a

i. no more secrets by just lil ole t / m / >1k, one-shot / complete

Paul loves a challenge and she definitely fits that bill! AU, ONE SHOT!, Rated M mostly for language

ii. redemption by khyharah / t / 35-40k, multi-chaptered / complete

Redemption can come in many forms. For some, it’s finding the light at the end of the tunnel. For me? It came in two forms: a red-haired vampire out for vengeance and a 6'4", copper skinned man….. No man isn’t right. GOD would be closer. Oh, and he just happens to turn into a giant wolf and kills vampires. But really, that’s just a bonus.

iii. holy crow by geezerwrench / m / 15-20k, multi-chaptered / complete

The feather Paul found was a confirmation of what he already knew. Bella is the imprint he requires, but maybe he’s just what Bella truly needs. Written for Afke in the 2014 2nd Annual Tricky Raven Author/Artist Silent Auction. AU. Paul Lahote, Bella Swan

iv. hot headed angel by obsidian stained roses / t / 25-30k, multi-chaptered / complete

IMPRINT STORY: After Edward left, I couldn’t function. I didn’t think I’d ever move on with my life. I was trying for Charlie and Jacob; but it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t good enough for anyone; I just wanted Edward. It wasn’t a life without him. But life has purpose, and after Jacob broke his promise, I found my purpose. I had someone to live for. I had Paul. P/B A/U OOC

v. life in la push by ifeelittoo / k+ / 20-25k, multi-chaptered / complete

What if Charlie had lived in La Push? Bella moves in with him, and everything goes down differently. Will Bella still fall for Edward? Or will a member of the pack appeal to her?

vi. listening to your heart beating by kaialuna / m / 3-4k, one-shot / complete

A little one shot trying to get my writing back after a long setback. Paul finds and imprints on Bella in the woods after Edward leaves. Can she be healed by the quiet warmth of his presence and the gentle thrum of his heart beat.

vii. hearts in sync by untamed loner / m / 30-35k, multi-chaptered / complete / sequel- hearts ever right

When Charlie gets called away to testify, Bella moves to La Push where she meets Paul. It doesn’t take long for the two to form a bond unlike any other. As Paul convinces her to talk about her past, it becomes clear. She was always meant to be HIS.

viii. harmonic convergence by nostalgicmiss / m / 90-95k, multi-chaptered / complete

When Bella comes to stay with Charlie, his first inclination is to keep her away from the vampires and send her to school on the Reservation where she’ll be protected. Her life changes forever when bad boy Paul comes out to play. A/U, BxP, Rated M

ix. big bad wolf by kaialuna / m / 10-15k, one shot / complete

A slap derails Bella’s life. She’d never hit someone before, ever. Now all she can think about is Paul. Odd little one shot. Not my best writing but thought I’d post it anyways.

x. shades of the past by mysteriouslyme / m / 3-4k, one-shot / complete

When he left, she was left broken. When the world was left devoid of warmth, he defrosted her frozen sheilds of self preservation, helping her piece back together what she had forgotten.

xi. paul’s girl by sweetashuney / m / 50-55k, multi-chaptered / complete

Takes place in New Moon. After Paul imprints on Bella they become close. But how will they fare when the Cullen Family comes back? Will Paul be able to keep Bella’s heart or does she still belong to a vampire? M for lemons and language.

xii. poisoned love by 9poisonivy9 / m / 45-50k, multi-chaptered / complete

What if, when Jake took Bella to meet Sam and the others, Paul imprinted on her. Can Paul fix Bella or will she be the broken girl forever? And will their love survive the newborns and Victoria?

xiii. somewhere i belong by juxtaposed92 / m / 55-60k, multi-chaptered / complete

Bella ran away from an abusive relationship and who should she run into other then the pack? She falls in love with Paul, who has in fact imprinted on her, as they all try and help her escape her dangerous ex.

xiv. my savior by teamjacobrulez / m / 30-35k, multi-chaptered / complete

In the midst of her near death, he was the only one who was there to save her. When everyone else had abandoned her, he was the one who came to give her comfort. When no one else loved her, he did. After suffering a bad heartbreak, can she love again?

xv. believe by bexxyy / t / 3-4k, one-shot / complete

When the wolves are in trouble, a former legend comes to life. All Bella can do is sit and wait but sometimes you can see more than you believe from the sidelines, based on the Quileute legend about the Thunderbird.

s e t h x b e l l a

i. the clearwater solution by shadowpast620 / m / 6-7k, one-shot / complete

Seth does what no one else has been able to do – stop Bella from marrying Edward.

ii. unintended by jasper’sdarlinbunny / k / 1-2k, one-shot / complete

Set during New Moon. A little Oneshot about Seth/Bella and a little thing called Imprinting!

iii. tradition by notashamedtobe / m / 7-8k, one-shot / complete

Some traditions change with time, only to get better. This is an entry from the Tricky Raven’s winter contest. It also checks off my desire to write Bella with all the wolves, minus Colin and Brady. I might add to it later on, but it’s done as of right now.

q u i l x b e l l a

i. closure by lilyaurora / t / 2-3k, one-shot / complete

Some Fluffy Fluff lol

ii. promise me by just lil ole t / k+ / 4-5k, one-shot / complete

What if Bella and Quil grew up as life long friends? How would their lives have turned out? AU, Rated K, ONE SHOT, This piece won Third Place in Tricky Raven’s Twitterpated in Springtime One Shot Competition! :D

iii. walking away by betterintexas / m / 6-7k, one-shot / complete

A different take on the Breaking Dawn wedding. What could have been. Entry to the Tricky Raven Silent Auction. Prompt provided by GeezerWench.

iv. love in an elevator by lilyaurora / m / 5-6k, one-shot / complete / sequel- be mine bella

“Quil!…I swear to god if you press another button on that panel, I’m gonna kick you right where it hurts!”

v. i’m yours by pengins.are.lovely / t / 40-45k, multi-chaptered / complete

After Jake ditched them both, Quil and Bella strike up a friendship, which turns into something more.

vi. that’s not what i expected by carliecullenblack by just a kiss contest / t / 6-7k, one-shot / complete

ENTRY FOR THE JUST A KISS CONTEST: Jake sends Bella away in New Moon after he first phases and Quil finds her crying and upset. The two connect over the loss of their friend in an unexpected way.

vii. i’ve always loved you by knblair86 / 40-45k, multi-chaptered / complete

Imprint Story! After Jake gets ‘sick’, Bella starts hanging out with Quil. How will they help each other heal? What happens when the Cullen’s come back to town and Will Victoria finally get her revenge? Please give it a chance!

viii. well ain’t that something by wolfpull85 / t / 3-4k, one-shot / complete

Bella goes to La Push to confront Jake after he disappears but finds his friend instead and a whole world she didn’t expect opens up.

e m b r y x b e l l a

i. gettin’ game by just lil ole t / k / 1-2k, one-shot / complete

Embry’s struggling to find his game…to catch his girl. He goes to his best source of manly advice for some suggestions. ONE SHOT!, AU

ii. brown sugar by geezerwrench / t / >1k, one-shot / complete

Looking at her, he realized he didn’t really want to know the answer after all—to either question. Perhaps later he would, but right then, in that moment, it didn’t matter. Written for the Tricky Raven Weekly Fanfiction Flash Fic challenge prompt #36. AU Embry Call, Bella Swan

iii. how do i love thee? by chrissihr / m / 2-3k, one-shot / complete

AU: Embry and Bella are lying in bed one lazy summer Saturday morning, basking in the sunshine pouring through the slats of the blinds like cats in a sun puddle as Embry recites “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…” and shows her. Pairing prompt provided by Afke Deen for the 2nd Annual Tricky Raven Author & Artist Silent Auction. One-shot, COMPLETE.

iv. bella on ice by kookykatie / t / 3-4k, one-shot / complete

Set in New Moon, in February. Bella is moving on with her life after Edward left and has taken to Jacob and his pack of friends. They can get her to do many things she wouldn’t normally do, and they take advantage of that in this particular story. Embry/Bella pairing, Jacob only loves Bella as a best friend.

v. bella’s insecurities by sfj0813 / t / 1-2k, one-shot / complete

Bella thinks she’s not good enough for Embry. Oneshot

l e a h x b e l l a

i. lost and found by sophieangel69 / m / 1-2k, two-shot / complete

After Edward leaves her Bella bumps into Victoria but is then saved by a passing werewolf. (Dub-con) Challenge

ii. magic on the cliffs by whitewolflegend / t / 1-2k, one-shot / complete

“Am I so horrible that no one will want me?” she whispers to the she wolf after a few minutes of silence. Leah held back another snarl and cursed Jacob in her mind before pulling back so she could look Bella in her eyes for the first time. Gasping as she felt the world around her shift and latch onto the woman crying in front of her, nothing mattered but her.

iii. moonlight sonata by izzyiniguez / t / 6-7k, one-shot / complete

Bella/Leah. Leah imprinted and kept it to herself, eventually the wolf will be let out of the bag.

iv. acceptance by mskathy / m / 7-8k, one-shot / complete

Written for the TwiSlash Unveiled Femme Slash Contest - Leah struggles with her self-identity and Bella just wants someone to love. When Alice sets them up on a blind date, they each find more than they had hoped for in each other. Lemons, femme slash.

v. secrets of the heart by sparklingfae / m / 2-3k, one-shot / complete

She was tired of waiting..tonight was the night that she would reveal the truth to her imprint. FemmeSlash warning.

b r a d y x b e l l a

i. all for you by welsharcher / t / 50-55k, multi-chaptered / complete

The meeting with the wolves didn’t go quite as everyone had planned. Especially not when a wolf imprints on Bella. Bella/Brady.

[foxyotomelady]

Another love, Chapter I (JuminxReader)

Author’s notes:

I was about to take a break, but here I am! I woke up with another idea today and I had to write it. It's super long, lol.

In this AU, everything happened more or less the same as in the game - except that You/MC did not end up with anyone.

As for the Mint Eye case - it was resolved just like in Seven's Secret Ending - that is, if I remember correctly, and again I'm too lazy to check it, lol - Rika is in a mental asylum, Saeran is alive and well, V is dead.

After all these events and all the ruckus with RFA, you came back to your ordinary life, except that of course you are still involved in hosting parties and you are still very much friends with everyone.

Several months have passed since the events of the Mint Eye. During this time, you entered into a relationship with a boy (his name is totally random, from a generator, lol) whom you know from the beginning of your studies (currently you have holidays, before your last year - I do not know how it works in Korea, so I'm sorry if something is illogical.).

Be aware of: strong language, not really nsfw, but there'll be some sexual activities mentioned, angst.

Chapter I (You are here) | Chapter II |  Chapter III |  Chapter IV | Chapter V | Chapter VI |  Chapter VII | Chapter VIII | Chapter IX | Chapter X | Chapter XI | Chapter XII |  Chapter XIII | Chapter XIV |

Buy Me A Ko-Fi Have a nice reading!

You were just coming back from the ladies' night with Jaehee. You've drank coffee together in a cozy cafe, you listened to her admiring Zen's new performances and complaining about the big amount of work. You reminded her cautiously that Jumin had given her some free time - you did not like it when she judged him too harshly, although you could admit and notice when he was the one who demanded too much from the ever-busy Jaehee.

"Mr. Han gave me some free time just because you said you want to spend some time with me," Jaehee said back then. "I do not know how you do it, but he is extremely nice to you. It doesn't matter though, when I get back to work, it will be the same again as always."

It was true that Jumin was nice to you. When you first met him at the RFA messenger, he seemed inaccessible and cold. However, you quickly changed your opinion about him. After he called you for the first time and explained that he was calling only to hear the voice of the new RFA member... you thought it was actually quite funny. He was actually quite funny.

Every time you laughed at his jokes, the others almost suggested that you should do some medical examination to make sure everything is alright with you. Seven often joked that someone had to break into your brain, and Zen was devastated by the fact that instead of paying attention to his beauty, you are interested in talking to "this jerk." You did not understand their behavior and you did not like it when they insulted Jumin. You considered his love for Elizabeth the 3rd as charming and adorable. Besides, you had the impression that it would be good for the others to test their eyesight - not for you - because they did not see how Jumin cared about RFA. After all this fiasco with Mint Eye, he dealt with most matters. He made sure that Saeran would have good care in the hospital. He made sure that Rika went to the appropriate mental asylum - after she killed his best friend! He did all this, though he did not have to. And no one thanked him for it. What's more, each time the two of you had some more emotional conversation in the chat room - others then laughed at him that such sentimentality did not suit him. You loved all RFA members, they were your friends, but sometimes you wanted to shake them all.

Immersed in these thoughts, you climbed the stairs and headed to the apartment you rented with your boyfriend Yuwoon. Before entering, you folded the umbrella - it was raining outside. In the hall, you noticed an extra pair of women's shoes that certainly did not belong to you. Your heart jumped. However, you washed away suspicious thoughts - maybe someone came to visit, maybe someone from the family - but at such a late time? Then you suddenly remembered that you told Yuwoon that it was possible that you would spend the night at Jaehee’s place.

No, it can not be... You thought, took off your own shoes and silently approached the bedroom. Your stomach twisted itself when you heard noises that suggested only one thing. You just stood there for some time, under the door, frozen.

"Ah! Yuwoon! I'm coming!" You heard a girl's voice and then her blissed moan. You felt that you would vomit soon. You felt that your heart stopped beating. In spite of this, you were suddenly filled with icy rage. You pushed the door and stepped inside. There he was, Yuwoon, your boyfriend, a handsome and tall man on whom you had a crush from the beginning of your studies - pinning some blonde hair girl into your shared bed. It was just when you came indoor that he released himself in her and made a loud groan. Her legs wrapped tightly around his back. You did not say a word, you were still standing still, though in your head your brain was pounding and spinning. Yuwoon turned slowly, and when he saw you, his eyes became wide with fear.

"Oh, shit!" His voice was still hoarse. Hurriedly he left the girl, who moaned again when he came out of her so violently. He got up from the bed and moved towards you.

"Don't you dare come near me!" You screamed icily, not allowing tears to flow on your cheeks.

"Y/N, wait!" It was only when he called you that you realize you were running out of the bedroom and then out of the apartment. You did not take an umbrella with you, you didn't even take your shoes. You ran barefoot down the stairs and fell out of the stairwell into the rain, which was falling even harder now. You did not stop, you ran through dark streets, lit only by lanterns. You wanted to be away from that damn apartment right now, from that bedroom and that bed.

You felt that your phone was vibrating in your pocket - one time after another. You ignored it for a long time until you found yourself in the park, where tired and cold you sat on a bench. Only then you checked the phone. You had 20 missed calls - each from Yuwoon. You also had messages from him.

"Please, answer, I can’t find you."

"It's not what you think, I'll explain everything."

"Please, I am worried about you."

"Get back to our goddamn apartment!"

"I'm sorry... I love you... I want to explain everything…"

You laughed hysterically at the last message. You did not want to have anything to do with him. With trembling hands, you made some quick moves and blocked his number. There was a race of thoughts in your head. What would you do now? You could call your parents... No, you were too embarrassed. You were an adult, you did not want to get them involved in your love stories.

You opened the messenger. Nobody was there. Should you leave a message? You were too embarrassed to admit what happened. But they were your friends, the best you ever had - you convinced yourself. You could count on them, right? With great resistance, you finally decided to write.

You: Hey, can anyone come in here? I need help.

You: Please, somebody read it.

You pressed the phone to your forehead. You wanted to cry - no! You will not cry, not because of the guy who cheated on you! He did not deserve your tears! You were wondering if you could call someone. Maybe to Jaehee - after all you considered the possibility that you would spend the night at her place. 

Then your phone has vibrated again. You looked at the screen with hope.

[Jumin Han has entered the chat room]

Jumin Han: Y/N

Jumin Han: What is happening?

Jumin Han: Are you hurt?

Jumin Han: Has someone hurt you?

You: Yes, someone has hurt me. But not in a physical way.

Jumin Han: How can I help you?

You: I need... I don’t have a place to spend the night.

Jumin Han: What? Where are you now?

You: In the park. It's raining and I'm cold. But I can’t go home.

Jumin Han: Give me the exact location. I will come there for you immediately.

That's what you did. You described where exactly you are. It was hard to write with cold hands. You crouched on the bench, your only protection from the rain was now a tree. You looked at the phone, that's all you could do. You did not want to think - you were afraid that you would see a picture in your head that you wanted to erase from your memory.

[Zen has entered the chat room]

Zen: Y/N! What's happening?

You: I will explain everything to you later, now I do not want to think about it.

Zen: I'm worried...

You: You do not have to. I can handle it.

Zen: You are alone, so late, in the park, it's raining and it's dark! How should I not worry?

[Jumin Han has entered the chat room]

Jumin Han: I will be there soon.

[Jumin Han has left the chat room]

Zen: Good!

Zen: Y/N wait for this jerk there!

Zen: And If anything goes wrong, CALL ME!

You: I'm so stupid, Zen... I'm so fucking stupid...

Zen: What? What are you saying?

Zen: You are not stupid! What's wrong?

Zen: Just hang in there! Jumin will be there any minute!

[Y/N has left the chat room]

In fact, it did not take long before you saw Jumin. As usual, he was wearing his perfect suit. He was accompanied by two bodyguards - one of them was holding an umbrella. You got up from the bench. At the sight of your good friend, you felt your whole body trembling. Jumin saw you, he paused for a moment, surprised, then he quickened his pace.

"Y/N..." In his voice, usually so composed, there was a concern, maybe even panic. You bit the inside of your lower lip. You wanted to cry again. "Give me this umbrella," Jumin said to the bodyguard and took an umbrella from his hand to hold it over you.

You embraced yourself, you were so cold and soaked from head to toe. "I'm sorry, Jumin... I should not bother you."

"What a nonsense, you are my friend." He glanced at you carefully, for a moment only the umbrella disappeared from above your head as Jumin hurriedly removed his elegant jacket and covered your arms with it, "My God, you're barefoot," He noticed after a moment.

"I…"

"Yoon, please take her to the car."

Your head was empty, your throat squeezed tight. Before you could react or protest, you found yourself in the arms of one of the bodyguards. You did not want someone to touch you now, but you did not say a word. You were carried to the limousine quickly and in absolute silence.   

Together with Jumin you sat on the last seat, separated from the driver and bodyguards. It was a really big and luxurious car, you didn't have the opportunity to find yourself in such a car ever before. And now, when you had the opportunity, you were so wet that sitting beneath you was also getting wet. Your bare feet were dirty. Embarrassed, you looked at Jumin, who was staring at you thoughtfully.

"I'm sorry, I'm ruining your car…"

Jumin blinked, clearly taken aback by your words, "Do not worry about something like that," He said in a calm voice and you saw that he hesitantly choose the next words, "Will you tell me what happened?"   

You swallowed hard, the memory of what you saw in the bedroom came back unexpectedly. Tears once again pushed into your eyes. Jumin had to see it, because he said quickly, "You do not have to. Don't force yourself."

"I should... I should tell Zen and the others that I'm safe..." You said, your voice cracking slightly. But when you took the phone in your hand, your fingers began to tremble so that you could not open the chat room. You no longer knew whether it was because of emotions or how you were frozen.

"I'll do it," Jumin offered and grabbed his own phone. You watched in silence as he wrote something on it.

Jumin’s POV

[Jumin Han has entered the chat room]

Zen: Jumin!

Zen: She is with you?

Zen: Is everything okay with her?

Jumin Han: She's with me.

Jumin Han: I do not know what happened.

Jumin Han: But I will take her to my apartment.

Zen: Would it not be better if she spent the night at Jaehee’s?

Zen: You're a man, you know...

Jumin Han: You're ridiculous. It's not important now.

Zen: She may not feel comfortable with it!

Jumin Han: I will do everything to make her feel comfortable.

Zen: What are you talking about? You do not want to take advantage of the situation?!

Jumin Han: What? You're ridiculous again.

[Jumin Han has left the chat room]

He put the phone in his pocket, frowning. Zen's insinuations irritated him. He was not someone who gets angry easily, but he was anxious enough about the Y/N’s situation. He had no idea what was going on, but it was for sure a serious matter. He wanted her to tell him what had happened, but when he saw the tears appear in her eyes, he could not insist. He felt different toward her than toward anybody. He could not be calm as usual, and her suffering made him feel very bad. 

Now he was watching her, wet and dirty and stared blankly at the window, and wanted to do something. Anything to stop her worrying. But what should he do? He did not know how to deal with such situations.

They spent the rest of the way to his house in silence. She looked very tired when they came into his apartment. Still, she leaned over to stroke Elizabeth the 3rd as she rubbed against her legs.

"Hello, Elizabeth, you're as pretty as always" Y/N said in a weak voice.

"You should change your clothes, you'll catch a cold," Jumin ordered, not completely aware of his commanding tone. He felt strange feelings, not for the first time when he talked with her, he forgot about Elizabeth's presence, her meowing ceased to interest him.   

After Y/N became a member of the RFA, he began to notice some changes that disturbed him. He opened before her like before nobody else and he began to realize that Elizabeth was just a cat. He even considered it funny that he didn't notice it earlier.

She turned to him and lowered her head, looked at her bare feet, "I have no clothes to change. I did not take anything but my phone with me."

"Right. If you would be willing to give me your size, I will order something for you, but it will probably arrive in the morning, it's late."

She raised her wide-eyed eyes to him, "Jumin... I don't know if I would like to stay here for more than one night... I don't know yet what I will do..."

"Of course," What was he thinking? Why did he think she would stay here longer? He caught his breath, "But you cannot stay in those wet clothes, I'll give you something mine until they dry up."

"O-okay…" 

He gave her one of his shirts and when she went to the bathroom to freshen up and change, he sat on the sofa in the living room, lost in his mind. Why did he still feel so strangely disturbed? Why has it all been happening since she appeared in his life? It was hard enough to come to terms with V’s death. If his friend was here, he would have helped him understand what was happening to him. Or maybe not... In the end, he hid so many things… Jumin sighed and hid his face in his hands. He wanted to drink wine, but for some reason, he did not want Y/N to see him drinking because of... what?

He heard the bathroom door being opened and closed, and then the quiet and sweet "Jumin?".

"I am here," He answered.

She appeared in a room dressed in his striped shirt, reaching almost to her knees. Her hair was still wet, but not in such a disarray as before. He felt hot, his heart beat faster. It was so hard not to stare at her. And he felt wrong with it. The more so because she was ashamed, pulling the end of the shirt as if trying to cover her thighs more.

"Thank you for your shirt."

"No problem," He looked at her feet. Now, when they were clean, he noticed that they were sore, "Does it hurt?"

She shook her head, "It's not as bad as it looks." After these words, she moved slowly to him, sat at the couch nearby. "You were always right, Jumin," she said suddenly, her eyes were empty again.

"About what?"

"About Yuwoon."

Yuwoon. Every time he heard that name, he was overcome with anger. He could not understand why. When she first mentioned Yuwoon in the chat room, Jumin became worried. When she said after some time that she's in a relationship with that man, he felt as if something was crushing his lungs. He remembered what he had told her then. He asked her if she was sure about this relationship. He assured that he knows that he's the last person who could advise her on the relationship, but he did not want anyone to hurt her.

"Did he hurt you?" He heard anger in his voice that he did not control.

"He..." Her voice trembled, she hardly pushed her next words through her throat. "I caught him cheating on me."   

Jumin felt his rage grow even more. But he also felt something else... Something he did not want to admit to himself.

"I didn't want to go back to that apartment... To the one where..." She continued, tears began to flow down her cheeks. "I don't even know who this woman was, but they did it on our bed... I just came back from coffee with Jaehee. I'm sorry, Jumin, I should not bother you, I should call my family."

"No, do not think so, you do not bother me. You can stay here as long as you want," He assured, not even thinking about what he was saying. "And please, do not cry. It hurts me when I see you cry."

Elizabeth the 3rd jumped abruptly on her lap and curled up on them. What a sweet picture it was... Y/N in his shirt, with Elizabeth on her knees - now that she was sitting, exposed even more.

He felt that it was hard for him to breathe. Reflexively, he loosened his tie.

Meanwhile, Y/N began to stroke Elizabeth, with her other hand wiping tears, "I should not cry, I do not want to cry, it's so stupid, I was so stupid that I trusted him."

"You're not stupid, and I never wanted to be right about this man." Stop lying to yourself, he heard a voice inside his own head, "You are a wonderful person, kind, with a good heart."

She smiled at him through her tears, "You are also very kind, Jumin. Thank you that you came for me and agreed to take me in your house." 

"That's nothing, go to sleep. I see you are tired, you can take my bed."

"And where will you sleep?"

"In the guest room, you can take Elizabeth the 3rd with you to keep you company."

"Do you trust me enough to entrust me with your dear lady?" She smiled again, pale.

"It's just a cat," He replied, and when he saw her surprise on those words, he got up and said goodbye kindly, wishing her a good night's sleep.

Your POV

You felt strange, lying on Jumin's bed, in this luxurious bedding, on this incredibly comfortable mattress, and moreover... in his shirt. But you were extremely grateful to him. You did not know what you would do without him. However, you could not sleep. As soon as you closed your eyes, you saw Yuwoon, fucking this woman, coming inside her. You felt a huge pain in your lungs. You trusted this boy. You spent many sweet moments together and you really thought that... But all this turned out to be a lie, he destroyed everything.

To take care of something, you logged in to the chat room.

Jaehee Kang: Y/N!

Zen: My God, are you okay?

Jaehee Kang: Are you at Mr. Han's apartment?

You: Yes, hello, Jaehee, Zen.

You: I'm fine.

You: I am sorry that you were worried about me.

Zen: I'm still worried!

Zen: 

Zen: He... This jerk, he did not try anything?

You: What?

Zen: He's a man! You shouldn't be at night with a man who is not your boyfriend…

Jaehee Kang: I agree with Zen. If you feel uncomfortable, you can come to my place.

You: Stop it, you both. What are you thinking?

You: Why are you so cruel toward him? You judge him so easily!

You: If it was not for him, I would still be stuck in this damn park!

Zen: I would come for you and take you to Jaehee!

You: Yes, I'm sure you would. But now I'm at Jumin's place. He is very kind to me, so could you please stop with this nonsense? 

Zen: 

Zen: sorry, it's because we're worried about you.

Jaehee Kang: we should leave it for now

Jaehee Kang: Can you tell us what happened?

You: I caught Yuwoon cheating on me.

Zen: Gosh…

Jaehee Kang: I’m so sorry, Y/N…

You: I did not want to call my family, it's not their worry.

You: Neither yours, but...

You: I do not have anyone else.

Zen: You can count on us!

Zen:

Jaehee Kang: Yes, you can talk to us if it helps you.

You: I've been bothering everyone enough, but thank you.

[Jumin Han has entered the chat room]

Jumin Han: You're not bothering anyone.

Jumin Han: Why are you not sleeping?

You: And you?

Zen: Hey, trust-fund kid

Zen: You have to stay the robot you are.

Zen: Do not try to use the situation to "comfort her".

Jumin Han: What are you talking about again, Zen?

Zen: Y/N, do you remember what I was saying?

Zen: Men are beasts!

You: The only beast I've ever met is the one who cheated on me.

You: Really, Zen, I do not feel like listening to such things now.

You: Jumin is neither a robot nor a beast. He is a friend.

Zen: ugh, sorry ;;;;

Zen: 

Zen: This situation just making me sick ;;;

Jumin Han: Do not act as if you’re the one who suffers.

Jumin Han: You don’t have to be the center of attention now, Zen.

Zen: And you do not act so full of yourself!

Zen:

Zen: You don't even know what it's like to lose someone you care about! 

Zen: So what suffering do you talk about?

Jumin Han: I will take my leave now.

Jumin Han: Please, go to sleep, Y/N. I saw how tired you were.

[Jumin Han has left the chat room]

You: Did you really just said that Zen? 

Zen: I… Shit… 

You: Do I need to remind you that Jumin lost his best friend? NOT SO LONG AGO

You: He did so much for RFA, he helps me now, but all you can do is judge him and suspect him!

Zen: I’m sorry… 

You: You should tell that to him, not me.

[Y/N has left the chat room]

You threw your phone on the bed. You were angry. You were mad at Yuwoon, at Zen. You fixed your shirt and directed your steps to the guest room. You knocked on the door.

"Jumin, are you alright? May I come in?"

For a long moment, it was quiet, but in the end, you heard a "Yes". You opened the door and went inside. Jumin was sitting on the bed, in his pajamas, with his hair in disarray - it was a completely new picture for you. You never saw him in this state - in such an ordinary state... He was always so composed, his hair and clothes always in perfect condition.

It was dark in the room until Jumin turned on the lamp. Then you saw that sadness lurks in his eyes.

"Zen can be such an asshole," You said sharply and sat down on the bed next to Jumin. For some reason, he fidgeted restlessly in his place.

"Do not worry about him," Jumin answered, not looking at you.

"I don’t care about him, I care about you."

"Me?" He looked at you now, raising his eyebrows.

"You've been struggling with so many problems lately and nobody sees it, everyone at RFA is so unfair to you. I can't stand it."

Jumin looked at you in shock. Was this the first time someone stood up in his defense?

"But I see it, you are kind and caring, and you must know that you can always count on me."

"You should not... It's not you who should comfort me now."

"You've already done a lot for me, Jumin, so I think I can repay you?"

"You do not have to, I do not expect anything in return."

"I know that. It's difficult for you… without V?"

"I..." His voice cracked. You never heard such a voice from him. He ran his hand through his hair. "It is difficult."

"You do not have to hide it. You can be honest with me, about everything." You felt an unusual urge to do something. He had such a look on his face... Probably no one else saw him so depressed ever. You hesitated, but... you approached him on the bed and embraced him tightly. Jumin froze under your touch. You could feel his muscles tense. You heard as his breathing accelerated a little. For a long moment, he did not answer your grip, but you finally felt his hand on your back. It was a very delicate touch as if he was afraid to press you harder to himself.

"I'm your friend, Jumin. I know I can't replace V, but you should know that I'm here for you as well."

"I... Thank you... For saying that." His hand at your back trembled. "You must go to sleep now."

You moved away slowly, something sounded in his voice... You did not know how to describe it yet. But you felt cold first and then hot. Still, you smiled at him, "Yes, goodnight, Jumin, sleep well."   

You came back to "your" big bed, where Elizabeth the 3rd was waiting for you. You lay down next to her and closed your eyes. You could not sleep for a long time and your thoughts were running between Yuwoon and Jumin.

[theteaisaddictive]

It just hit me in a flash that i never asked for your thoughts/rankings of the Cats 2019 soundtrack. Please forgive my ignorance and bestow the gift of your wisdom upon us

i have been caught in a whirlwind of events, which is why i have not responded sooner, but i’m currently home sick so what better excuse is there to wax evangelical (evan . . . jellicle??) about the cats movie soundtrack than this precise moment

i. jellicle songs for jellicle cats

i mean. well. first things first, it was recorded in advance (i assume that the 90s version was a live recording, but i could be wrong here) so of course it is going to sound awkward and stilted. this is nothing compared to how awkward and unnatural it is to see a bunch of actors naked save for cgi fur and ken-doll-like crotches singing and . . . uh, i think they’re dancing? -- around the white cat victoria, who did not have nearly so big a part from what i can digest of the 90s youtube clips. my favourite part has to be the fucking techno beat though. god damn. party on, you funky little abominations.

ii. the naming of cats/the invitation to the jellicle ball

yes, i will be smushing the exposition-related songs together unless i feel like separating them. this is my life, these are my choices. idk, it was fine?? i guess? munkustrap (aka The Main Cat Who Isn’t Victoria or Judi Dench and Quite Frankly Deserved Better Because He Was Giving This Performance His All) kind of just says the naming instead of it being a company-wide thing. they did not include bombalurina or demeter’s names in the naming, and this was the point at which i realised that the big name stars were not, in fact, going to lounge around in the background for the entirety of the play like they do in the musical. :(

the invitation also sees my Sweet Boy mr mistoffelees get his first solo line, which is good bc i fell in love with his sweet little face over the course of the film, and bad bc it marks the start of the absurd victoria/mr mistoffelees subplot which i am convinced was put in because of course a plotless weirdmageddon like cats needs a romantic subplot

iii. the old gumbie cat

something that needs mentioning is that idris elba shows up as macavity at various points in-between songs. i’m pretty sure he shows up for the first time here and like, tries to lure victoria away?? i think?? anyway it obviously does not work bc unfortunately we are stuck with victoria for the entire film, so onto the gumbie cat song we go.

what can i say about the rebel wilson song that hasn’t already been said. she unzips her skin. the cockroaches are uncanny in the extreme. there are slater-sized mice played by children. there is no funky tap routine, or if there is it was erased from my mind by the frequent awkward gaps in which rebel wilson attempted to be funny. dear god. 

iv. the rum tum tugger

miiiiilllllkk

ok, ok, fine. jason derulo gave a fun, lively performance and didn’t even have the decency to do a bad english accent, which means there is at least one song which i have to genuinely like and can’t just like ironically. but also miiiiillllkkk why is there a milk bar in london which is perfectly cat-sized whyyyy. 

v. grizabella

i am going to be honest. i think that this song appeared later in the movie, but the soundtrack only lists ‘highlights’ so it doesn’t appear in the track list. idk what to say. there are some girl cats (unnamed, although i think they have names in the stage version) who are mean to grizabella and then they say that she started working for macavity?? i’m not sure if this does or does not imply that he became her pimp, although he certainly has the coat and hat for it, which only raises more questions which i dare not put voice to.

vi. bustopher jones

fuck james corden. what the fuck did he do to the refined, fat old cat who frequents gentleman’s clubs and only dines on the finest stuff?? he made him dig around in the rubbish bins and interrupt the song twice to make ‘jokes’ about how fat he is. god i cannot fuckign stand james corden and i do not think he’s funny so i’m aware i may be biased but still. god. 

oh yes and then at the end macavity lures him over to a giant bin (in full view of the other cats, might i add) and thanos snaps him out of existence, but sadly not out of the movie. rebel wilson also got thanos-snapped earlier i just forgot to mention it.

vii. mungojerrie and rumpleteazer

i understand that this melody is the original melody and that the melody used in the 90s recording was a change made for broadway; however, this was the most boring fucking song in the movie and they should have used the broadway version, good night. also victoria is there while they burgle the house, for some reason, bc having an audience surrogate means she needs to be in Every Fucking Scene, so that was a Choice.

viii. old deuteronomy

a nice, sweet song introducing judi dench, sung by munkustrap in such a manner that i began to wonder if he was like, her boytoy or something. also the nuzzling is, like, out of control. i know there’s nuzzling in the stage version, but onstage they're also all crawling around on all fours and stuff whereas here they’re bipedal most of the time. it makes it look like everyone is constantly going in for a kiss when they’re actually just being sociable, and it is fucking disorienting.

ix. the jellicle ball

by the way, the jellicle ball itself takes place in some sort of cat-friendly dilapidated theatre, and it is both the weirdest and least weird thing about this whole movie. 

idk, it was fine?? oh wait, i actually forgot -- so waaaaay back at the start, victoria has a famous solo which wasn’t actually a solo in this version but danced with munkustrap, which . . . .was a Choice. so now she dances with like five different male cats, and it gets frantic, and Every Single Cat is just tearing it up on the dance floor, seriously the dancers in this are incredible, and then i think they all collapse on the floor in a heap, and it was at this point that i learned to be thankful i was not subjected to watching a cgi cat orgy while sitting next to my horrified sister

x. grizabella the glamour cat/memory (prelude)

like i said, i can’t remember what order this happens on the movie, so i’m taking the tracklist from the olc on genius. anyway victoria sneaks out for . . . reasons, and she sees grizabella. and grizabella is sad, and sings her song in the first person, because demeter got cut, because fuck demeter, i guess. oh yeah, and tom hooper, he of the masterful subtlety, had jennifer hudson sitting at a lamppost with withered leaves collected at her feet which she pointed to at the relevant lines. i’m surprised he didn’t add a sound effect of a moaning wind.

xi. beautiful ghosts

this was the song that taylor swift wrote for the movie and by god can you tell. it is incredibly jarring and serves no purpose (beyond, i guess, the purpose of deepening the nothing character of victoria), and -- ugh. look, it’s a pretty little song, and both victoria and taylor swift sing it well, but it’s thoroughly unnecessary. it’s like ‘suddenly’ in 2012 les mis -- why is this here??

xii. gus the theatre cat

i am not ashamed to admit that ian mckellen ‘singing’ gus the theatre cat was enough to bring a tear to my eye. because, well. the man may not have sung, but by god he acted. i challenge anyone with a heart to sit through all of cats and not even feel the slightest tug at their heartstrings when gus’s song plays. not even judi dench lifting one leg in appreciation could completely break the mood. oh wait. it did. (also gus got thanos-snapped by macavity immediately after exiting the stage)

xiii. skimbleshanks the railway cat

oooooh fuck YESSSSSS this is the single best song in the whole damn film. skimbleshanks himself?? wonderful. iconic. beautiful. his tap routine?? inspired. he’s skimbleshanks the railway cat -- the cat on the railway train! he inexplicably is wearing red dungarees, making him the fourth cat to be wearing clothes for no reason, and at the very end he spins like a top all the way into the air, before being thanes-snapped out of existence (but happily, not out of the movie) by.....

xiv. macavity the mystery cat

taylor swift is there. she’s undressed except for her cgi fur and a pair of stage heels. she starts tapping her little container of catnip over the collective of cats, causing munkustrap to make the sort of face you see reeve!superman make when he’s being poisoned by kryptonite, except that he is a cat being drugged with catnip and it is hard to take him seriously as a result. the song itself is a perfect guilty pleasure. taylor swift’s accent is shitty enough that you can enjoy the ridiculousness of the entire situation. idris elba cuts in to join the final chorus on ‘the Napoleon of criiiiiimmme’ and then he takes off his pimp coat and is . . . distressingly nude for the rest of the film. he dances briefly with taylor swift. it’s a thing.

anyway they thanos-snap judi dench to a boat on the thames bc she won’t let him go to cat heaven and the rest of the cats are left discombobulated. this is when Local Sadboy mr mistoffelees is uh, peer-pressured into attempting to magic judi dench back to the cats. bc mr mistoffelees has an arc now, you guys. and his arc?? is about getting his mojo back.

xv. mister mistoffelees

this song is also sung in first person by mistoffelees, which makes less sense when you get to the second verse, but whatever the movie only has about twenty minutes left let's just do it. it’s a solid song, but they keep pausing after every chorus to see if he can get judi dench back yet, which really dampens the groove that they have going on. anyway, they get her back, mr mistoffelees believes in himself now, yadda yadda yadda. meawhile back on the boat, this dickhead apparently didn’t bother to teleport the other cats back, so they fight their way out and rebel willson unzips her skin again. at this point in the cinema i was praying for mercy.

xvi. memory

memory was a song. it was clearly sung with a lot of emotion. for me, personally?? that emotion did not connect. sorry jennifer hudson. oh yeah also victoria has a verse in this song and i mentally wanted to s c r e am because this is not your fucking moment victoria, let the sad jennifer hudson cat belt her lungs out in peace

xvii. the ad-dressing of cats

god. let it end. let it end. this last ‘song’ was dragged out minute after minute after minute. judi dench looked into my very soul when she told me a cat was not a dog, and i still don’t know what she found there. when she started talking about cream and pie i could see munkustrap, he of the Giving This Performance His All, continue his impeccable acting by making faces of delight at her words. oh, munkustrap. even now, at the very end, you brought me joy. thank you, dear cat. thank you. 

[callunavulgari]

“Listen to the sound of my heart beat slow Yeah, my heart's like yours, my heart's like yours Listen to the sound, oh it feels like home When our hearts beat slow together.”

Heather’s Top 50 Songs of 2019!

dark night — philip sheppard // curse of the i-5 corridor — neko case // way down we go — kaleo // almost — hozier // dancing in a room — ezi // epic (pt ii) — anais mitchell & justin vernon // spanish sahara — foals // obstacles — syd matters // tom thumb — bitter ruin // wolves of the revolution — the arcadian wild // epic (pt iii) — anais mitchell, justin vernon // the spine — darren korb & ashley barrett // don’t think twice — hikaru utada // face my fears — hikaru utada // waves — chloe moriondo // ashes — bear mccreary // wake up, moving on — kevin penkin // paper boats — darren korb & ashley barrett // call off your ghost — dessa // power over me — dermot kennedy // a future for the krogan — christopher lennertz // mine — bazzi // bite — charlie cunningham // wait for me — andre de shields // birds — imagine dragons & elisa // crazy — patsy cline //  bury a friend — billie eilish // the seed — aurora // eleventh dimension — julian casablancas // sunflower — post malone // what’s up danger — blackway, black caviar // bad guy — billie eilish // elevate — dj khalil // must’ve been — chromeo // dark matter — les friction // lark of my heart — eliza rickman // dancing on my own — robyn //  hungover in the city of dust — autoheart // season of the witch — lana del rey // bird song — juniper vale // paradise valley — honey & the sting // my hallelujah — autoheart // furthest star — dirt poor robins // play dirty — kevin mcallister // it’s quiet uptown — kelly clarkson // pas de deux — michael abels // i got 5 on it — michael abels, luniz, mi // one day more — les mis cast // into the unknown — idina menzel, aurora // show yourself — idina menzel & evan rachel wood

short version | long version | youtube | spotify unwrapped

long version will lead you to the 165 song, 10 hour and 34 minute playlist which i’ve been slowly adding to since january. short version will lead you to what you see here. youtube will lead you to the playlist you see here but... wait for it... on youtube. mostly because i know not everyone has spotify. spotify unwrapped will lead you to a mixture of the long and the short version, which is pretty bloated with austin wintory songs because those are what i listen to when i write or read usually.

the long version is much improved in length from last year, which was 261 songs and 17 hours, but that’s mostly because august through december i was pretty bad at keeping track of the music that caught my attention. whoops.

and under the cut is me ranting about music, like usual. enjoy!

i. dark night || philip sheppard *instrumental*

This was my absolute favorite from the Detroit: Become Human soundtrack. I tended to prefer Kara’s songs most because they were gorgeous and haunting and just plain fantastic. Connor’s songs were mostly listened to while writing for the fandom, but Kara’s songs were what I kept coming back to. ii. curse of the i-5 corridor || neko case So I left home and faked my ID I fucked every man that I wanted to be

Sometime in January, I fell in love with eighteen wheels on an uphill climb, which was a 91k hank/connor wip by blackeyedblonde. Hank’s a trucker. Connor occasionally dabbles in sex work to keep himself alive and moving. But like, it’s so much more than that? Anyway, at some point the author linked to this song. I think it may have been on tumblr, but I fell in love with it and neko case.

iii. way down we go || kaleo Oh, 'cause they will run you down, down 'til the dark Yes and they will run you down, down 'til you fall And they will run you down, down 'til you go Yeah, so you can't crawl no more

Speaking of Detroit: Become Human (sensing a theme?), this fanvideo is one of my favorite things in the world. I had it and a couple other fantastic videos like it playing in the background while writing for the fandom. This video, in fact, is what finally made me go in search of the game. iv. almost (sweet music) || hozier The same kind of music haunts her bedroom I'm almost me again, she's almost you Wasteland, Baby was a thing that happened to me. Which would have already been enough to get it on this list, but I also listened to it on repeat while writing my first DBH fic. v. dancing in a room || ezi I know you notice, notice me I might be broken but it's not showing It's how I'm copin', copin' I don’t actually remember where this one came from. I know that sometime when March is still a bit cold, I listened to a playlist on spotify that I can’t find for the life of me. It had a lot of the songs that are about to come up on it, and before I started exclusively listening to audiobooks while I got ready for work in the morning, I listened to random fantastic playlists. vi. epic (pt ii) || anais mitchell & justin vernon And suddenly Hades was only a man with a taste of nectar upon his lips

Hadestown was also a thing that happened to me. This song makes me fucking weak. All of the lyrics are great, the whole song is gorgeous and haunting and so perfect it hurts, but those lyrics above are just *chefs kiss* vii. spanish sahara || foals Forget the horror here Leave it all down here It's future rust and it's future dust

Sometime during the spring, I played Life Is Strange and had a million and one feelings. I played both options for the ending and each one was gut wrenching in its own way. I think I still prefer the one where Chloe lives, but this song has literally haunted me ever since.

viii. obstacles || syd matters Someday we will foresee obstacles Through the blizzard, through the blizzard And this is the song that plays if you make the other choice. Again, SUPER TRAGIC, but also you know. You get to keep your girlfriend. ix. tom thumb || bitter ruin And I know I'll be burnt, but I can stand a flame or two to catch you

This was one of the songs that I discovered on the mysterious spotify playlist! Something I’d forgotten: I discovered Hadestown off of that playlist. Thanks, mystery playlist. You gave me all the ear worms. x. wolves of the revolution || the arcadian wild You're trapped inside of your own heart It's a spectators sport, just play your part You guessed it - from the mystery playlist. They’re all very reminiscent of the Hadestown soundtrack. Vaguely eerie, kind of haunting, a lot beautiful. Makes you feel like you’re a forest creature living on the edge of the swamp. You know: the aesthetic. xi. epic (pt iii) || anais mitchell & justin vernon Where is the treasure inside your chest? Where is your pleasure? Where is your youth? Where is the man with his hat in his hands? Who stands in the garden with nothing to lose I thought about only including this one instead of including part 2, but in the end I loved both too much to choose. Hadestown, man. I hope it comes to Ohio at some point in the near future. xii.  the spine || darren korb & ashley barrett Fingers tied themselves in knots around the heart It beats in time I see the spine of the world

I have never actually played Transistor, which is fucking tragic because I listened to basically the entire soundtrack over and over again for the entire year. There’s at least one more song from the game on this list, but it is really wonderful. Haunting vocals, perfect for writing or reading or driving.  xiii. don’t think twice || hikaru utada I'm only crying 'cause I never dreamed It'd take this long, it'd take this long Hi, I played Kingdom Hearts 3 this year. And I cried so fucking much. I had some issues with the game, namely how the ending was such a clusterfuck of boss fight after boss fight and emotional character arc resolutions so it all felt kind of rushed? But the gameplay was superb, the selfie thing was ingenious, and I did cry at least six different times while I was stressing my way through fighting boss fights with blurry eyes. xiv. face my fears || hikaru utada Oh, let me face, let me face, let me face my fears Won't be long, won't be long, I'm almost here Watch me cry all my tears

So like, if you care at all you’ve probably already seen it, but the opening cutscene of KH3 was to Face My Fears, and I’m gonna be real honest here - I didn’t like it at first. I moaned and groaned about Skrillex and how it was nothing like Simple and Clean or Passion/Sanctuary. But it grew on me to the point that it was actually my most listened to song this year. Watch me cry all my tears, indeed. xv. waves || chloe moriondo Make me into more than a goner Perhaps a little bit stronger Thicker skin, less needy, And maybe to not bruise so damn easily, but you can't

I don’t remember where I found this song either? Maybe mystery playlist but probably not. Either way, it’s pretty and uh, I too want to slow the world down. xvi. ashes || bear mccreary -instrumental- Man, oh man, let’s talk about how good of a game God of War was. It was so good, guys. The game play was excellent, the world was gorgeous, and the storyline was interesting. And the music went so, so hard. Between Horizon Zero Dawn and the new God of War, I have basically been ruined for all other games. Also, dad protagonists, am I right? xvii. wake up, moving on || kevin penkin -instrumental-

Did not actually realize this was part of a soundtrack to a game? But it’s very lilty. Has that French quirky romcom vibe to it and I listened to the crap out of it in early summer. xviii. paper boats || darren korb & ashley barrett The river always finds the sea So helplessly Like you find me

Another Transistor song. I really love Ashley Barrett’s voice. I should probably at some point play the game. xix. call off your ghost || dessa I hope she makes you happy It's just a lot to ask to watch your future walking past me

This song played during one of the weather segments of Welcome to Night Vale and made me remember how much I absolutely adore Dessa. Her voice is fantastic and I love the way that her songs flow. Also, this song gives me personal feels. xx. power over me || dermot kennedy I wanna be king in your story I wanna know who you are I want your heart to beat for me I have absolutely no idea where I heard this one. It might have been playing on the radio while I was driving somewhere? I played it a lot during the summer.  xxi. a future for the krogan || christopher lennertz -instrumental- It’s been a while since I played Mass Effect, but this song came up on a writing playlist and I have been listening to it ever since.

xxii. mine || bazzi Running circles 'round my mind Even when it's rainy all you ever do is shine

Shrug emoji. 

xxiii. bite || charlie cunningham Stone cold faces let you keep you poisoning your blood Cut you open then you'll see poison in your blood

Also shrug emoji? Most of the time when I’m doing these there’s fandom connatations to half the songs, but these year I wasn’t heavily invested in a whole lot of fandoms so these are mostly just songs I listened to while I was a) driving, b) in the shower, or c) while reading.

xxiv. wait for me || andre de shields Ain't no compass, brother, there ain't no map Just a telephone wire and the railroad track Keep on walking and you don't look back

And here’s the last Hadestown song on the list. It’s just... really good, okay. Really, really good. xxv. birds || imagine dragons & elisa Seasons, they will change Life will make you grow Dreams will make you cry, cry, cry

I think there’s been an Imagine Dragons song on here every year since they came out with Radioactive. This is the only song of theirs I heard this year, but pairing their voice with Elisa’s was fucking genius because this song makes me feel the chorus in my soul. xxvi. crazy || patsy cline You'd love me as long as you wanted And then some day You'd leave me for somebody new I was at a bar, and my friend has just announced that he was getting married to his girlfriend of ten years in Vegas, on a ferris wheel, by an Elvis impersonator. We started listening to Elvis songs to figure out what he’d play, and then we got distracted listening to a bunch of old love songs. This one is more heartbreak than love, but I’ve always loved Patsy’s voice. xxvii. bury a friend || billie eilish Bury a friend, try to wake up

I was really slow to the Billie Eilish train. One of my friends recommended her music and it’s just so chaotic and fantastic that I can’t believe I didn’t fall for it earlier. This song in particular was a Billy Hargrove song for a while.

xxviii. the seed || aurora Feed me sunlight, feed me air In a place where nothing matters Feed me truth and feed me prayer Aurora’s got one of those truly lovely voices. Also I like songs about how the earth should eat humanity.

xxix.  eleventh dimension || julian casablancas 'Cause no one really cares or wonders why anymore Oh, I got music, coming out of my hands and feet and kisses

Back in 2011, when I was still watching Doctor Who, someone made this video which blew my little heart away. I rediscovered this song while we were driving back to Ohio from our annual beach trip and managed to get everyone in the car hooked on it for weeks afterwards.

xxx. sunflower || post malone You're a sunflower I think your love would be too much

Into the Spiderverse! Was so! Good! 

xxxi. what’s up danger || blackway, black caviar I like it all on the edge just like you, ayy I like tall buildings so I can leap off of 'em

So like, that scene, right? The one that had everyone losing their collective shit? I saw gifs before I watched the movie, and goddamn, it lived up to every single expectation I ever had. I made Nick watch it with me, and he groaned a lot because honestly he is not the biggest fan of super hero movies, but even he admitted that it was the best damn Spiderman movie we’d ever seen. It was powerful and clever and heartwarming and funny and the music and animation were both fan-freaking-tastic.

xxxii. bad guy || billie eilish I'm the bad guy, duh Can you believe that I actually didn’t know about this video until @nijuukoo did art? I mean, I’d definitely heard it and liked it before hand, but the fucking video, man. That pic of Vanitas showering Ven in hearts is still the background of my desktop.(It would have been the one of him sitting on Ansem while he’s doing push ups, but it didn’t work with my screen)

xxxiii. elevate || dj khalil I jump off this building to save these civilians My strength and my honor is trusted by children I'm ready and willing to fight all these villains No chaos or killings, my style is so brilliant I really, really liked the music to Into the Spiderverse.

xxxiv. must’ve been || chromeo I must've been high when I met you Out of my mind when I decided to love you

There was a Harringrove fic that I read during the summer that made the connection between this song and modern AU Billy and Steve. I thought it was @lymricks but maybe not. Either way - I listened to this for like three weeks straight while reading about Billy and Steve flirting at the pool. Ha! Found it - you, through half-shut eyes by @brawlite.

xxxv. dark matter || les friction Bring me your soul, bring me your hate In my name you will create Bring me your fear, bring me your pain You will destroy in my name

There was an Outsider fanvid. I tripped over it.

xxxvi. lark of my heart || eliza rickman Lark of my heart - dance in the dark and say you love me Lark of my heart - right from the start and say you love me

This one was another that I found on a random playlist while I was reading and I just love the rhythm of the song. I sat right up and favorited that sucker before I lost it.

xxxvii. dancing on my own — robyn I'm just gonna dance all night I'm all messed up, I'm so outta line Stilettos on broken bottles I'm spinning around in circles Okay. Okay, okay, okay. So there was that tumblr post that went around a while back where a bunch of subway riders who just got back from a Robyn concert started singing while waiting for the train and I just. It makes me so fucking happy. Like, I remember the night I clicked on that video. I’d never heard the song before, but I didn’t need to because the level of fucking joy and unity in that video literally brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes, humans are fucking beautiful.

xxxviii. hungover in the city of dust || autoheart We’re hungover in the city of dust So let our minds run round in circles While we figure it all out

I really adore autoheart. They did Sailor Song, which was on my Top Songs post last year and honestly, according to the plays on spotify, probably should have still been on my list this year, but alas - this is the abridged version. Every song I’ve heard from them I’ve loved. The entire bridge makes me shiver, it’s just so wonderfully executed.

xxxix. season of the witch || lana del rey You've got to pick up every stitch, The rabbits running in the ditch, Oh no, must be the season of the witch In October I watched Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark and it was super spooky and really great and probably one of the best movies I saw this year? But like, also this cover by Lana del Rey was the best damn thing about it. Someone made a witchy video that was great too but I can’t find it now. xl. bird song || juniper vale Listen to the sound of my heart beat slow Yeah, my heart's like yours, my heart's like yours Listen to the sound, oh it feels like home When our hearts beat slow together

I really like Juniper Vale. I found them last year when I stumbled across their cover of Singing In The Rain, and they churn out some really quality music.

xli. paradise valley || honey & the sting So you'll have to hold me down Could you just hold me down build the levees higher This song was always going to make it to 2019′s list too. It’s just too damn good. Thank you, Wolf 359. You’ve given me a gift that is still giving three years later.

xlii. my hallelujah || autoheart Thought I found a new religion In you who was I kidding There's nowhere to go Except for under quarantine

More Autoheart! Just listen to that melody! That flow! 

xliii. furthest star || dirt poor robins We'll find our hiding place Clear across the Milky Way Beyond the galaxy On the furthest star that we see

This song reminds me a lot of Muse back in their early days. I was half-napping on the couch listening to, you guessed it, a random playlist on spotify, and I liked this song enough to surface from the edges of slumber to favorite it so I could find it again.

xliv. play dirty || kevin mcallister Would you get the Devil this dance? Would you be a part of his plans? Now you got some blood on your hands

There was a fanvid. It was good and basically caught me up on Preacher. The song is also really catchy.

xlv. it’s quiet uptown || kelly clarkson Look at where we are Look at where we started Last year, this was on my list because of an EOS 10 playlist. This year it’s on my list because I still fucking love it. Also I saw Hamilton this year and it was really phenomenal. I cannot get over how good it was.

xlvi. pas de deux || michael abels -instrumental- I watched Us in late October/early November and this entire sequence was really lovely and eerie and just all around fantastic. I loved the mirroring throughout the movie, and it all came together in this stunning confrontation.

xlvii. i got 5 on it || michael abels, luniz, mi I got five on it

Us had a really good soundtrack.

xlviii. one day more || les mis cast One more dawn One more day One day more!

About a month ago I got to see Les Mis in theater and I cried like six or seven times. That is not an exaggeration I was a fucking mess. As much as I’ve adored every musical I have seen up until this point, I have never had a musical affect me the way this one did. It was incredibly powerful and the experience was worth every damn cent.

xlix. into the unknown || idina menzel, aurora Everyone I've ever loved is here within these walls I'm sorry, secret siren, but I'm blocking out your calls

Like, I know it’s cool to hate on Frozen because it got so popular, but Idina Menzel is a queen with the voice of an angel and I’m sorry, but the movies were good. Also, Elsa is very, very pretty and this shit was very, very gay. 

l. show yourself || idina menzel & evan rachel wood Come to me now Open your door Don't make me wait One moment more

Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Elsa gets all the best numbers. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, folks. Happy listening.