#Oh shit it's still recording
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I lied I actually didn't make this
The Seventeen orpahns that are in my basement did, Because it only has ten notes they're not getting their Beans on toast this Week (Yes, they ARE British)
I drew Dave
#I think one of the Orhpahns Escaped#Have you seen A little Boy#what does he look like?#well umh....#Small#British#umh...#He has hair#He's wearing a little hat#i like the little hat#is he my son?#no#What do you mean “Child labor”#Wait what#If i pay you will you shut yp#Okay#Awesome#HEY I FOUND HIM#PHILLIP GET YO ASS BACK IN THE FACTORY#Oh shit it's still recording
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Huzzah! It's birthday time! I'm slowly accumulating more and more things I like (latest additions this vest I made and a travel typewriter! Still need to fix the latter one though)
Sure has been a year.
#terri#niart#got my wisdom toofies out#well 2 out of 4#still got stitches#idk if this removal lowkey fixed my fear of the dentist?#it was so easy and painless#also finally i'm on anxiety meds jkahsdjash#i also got depression meds but i haven't tested them yet#I'm going to see the love of my life soon again!!!#only 2 more months to go....#i've also finally found awesome friends who don't make me feel like i'm insane for wanting to be cared for#the difference is like night and day#old friends saying hey let's surprise another friend of ours oh also i think it's your birthday on that day#new friends reminding me to pick a brunch place for us to go on my special day#i am sobbing#the right people are out there#don't lose hope#i've never felt this platonically loved honestly#also yes i'm working on the next dragon's lair aksjdhasjkd#just#a lot of things happening and i'm sooo burnt out#this piece was such a strain and i just#don't have patience for art rn#this is photobashed btw there's an actual photo of my typewriter under all those layers#i'm not about to spend 300 hours just to draw a typewriter from this angle kajshdjkasdh#ALSO ONE MORE THING CAN I JUST GUSH ABOUT THE ANASTASIA BROADWAY OKAY?!?!?!#I didn't realise until now that they made it way more historically inspired and i mean bruh BRUH#i have been having a recording of it playing on the background nonstop for like 3 days now#Vladimir Popov I want to inject you straight into my veins holy shit he is a perfect man
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youtube
Ashton Instagram Live - 6 June 2024
Including acoustic performances of:
"Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac
"Drive" from SUPERBLOOM
A teaser of "Wild Things" from BLOOD ON THE DRUMS
"Straight To Your Heart" from BLOOD ON THE DRUMS
"Red Desert" by 5SOS
"Wicked Game" by Chris lsaak
#I 🤸🏻♀️ FEEL 🤸🏻♀️ INSANE 🤸🏻♀️#5sos#5 seconds of summer#ashton irwin#ashton#ai ig live#straight to your heart#blood on the drums#instagram#ai ig#video#kh4f post#listen i had such a stressful night & was still reeling this morning so this is both just what i needed & also has sent me over the edge 👹#this was so brutal oh he had no mercy#i thought the peak was going to be the Springsteen needle drop at the beginning lmaoo (which almost got me a copyright claim thanks sir 😌)#then the man immediately breaks out with Fleetwood Mac#DEVESRSTING#he 100000% needs to record this version of Drive btw ohmygod#like listen i feel like bc he has a tendency towards falsetto harmonies his low end tends to get overlooked#and that shit was WILD in that drive rendition#ohmygod?#i cannot believe any of this was real#i would screenshot the shit out of it but i have to go get ready for Luke now wtf 😭😭😭😭#INSANITY#👰🏻♀️#why i no can kiss#Youtube
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"hes got the ability to pound you into the wall" very normal thing to say about maffhew, ekky
#txt#sorry im going through a shit ton of ekky pressers#and i have them in the bg as i work on a doc#and he said that and i heard a real life record scratch in my brain#like oh im sure he has the ability to pound you into the wall eks yeah i wonder how you found that out#do you ever think before you open your mouth like genuinely#bad question the answer is obviously no#but i still have to ask it#somehow this is worse than the “rubbing beards” comment about st*al and the nervous giggle that escaped him after he realised he said it#i need a smoke break#“hes got the ability to pound you into the wall” “im right below you”#yeah ekky does want to be get smashed in between the sunrise welcome committee#more news at 11
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Helloo, how are you?
So its halloween and i have a little request for something scary. Maybe the eternals somehow end up in this very old and problaby haunted house, and then the ghost in said house take a liking for Thena, so they start to hide her and make the others see her when she is not there. And poor Gil is more scared that he would like.
(Also thank you for answering to my asks🩷😭)
"This place really is massive," Gil commented mildly as he moved the flashlight around the walls. It was just the sound of their steps and their breathing. The halls of this old asylum were oppressively quiet.
"It's easily the largest space we've ever been in," Thena agreed as she too moved moved her light to examine their surroundings. "Its a good thing the others agreed to come with us to man the equipment."
Their friends were being good sports about it, whether or not they were present as true believers or because if half of their group was already in, they might as well all come.
"I hope they don't hate me for dragging them out here all Halloween night," he gulped as they turned a corner down - what a surprise - another pitch black hallway.
Thena scoffed at the idea, though, allowing him to walk even closer to her, all but clinging to her arm. "Please, all they would be doing is loitering at Phastos' anyway. He and Ben would be watching something, Makkari and Druig would be pretending not to make out in the corner and Ikaris would be trying - and failing - to hold Sersi's hand during the whole movie."
Gil snickered beside her. Thena's observations could seem cutting at times, but they were never all that inaccurate. And they could be pretty funny, in that way. "I'm sure he'd get there eventually."
"I have yet to see it," she drawled about their mutual friend, more frenemy when it came to her and Ikaris in particular. "Speaking of, when did they last check in?"
Gil pulled pulled out his walkie-talkie. "Ground floor, do you copy?"
"Ugh, Gil--aye, we're still 'ere. You don't have to go all air traffic control for it."
Well, if he was going to be such a stick in the mud. Gil huffed, "roger that, Party-Pooper."
"Oi!"
Thena took his hand and pulled the walkie closer to her. "Sersi, tell us if he holds onto you too tight and we'll switch floors."
"Watch it!"
The constant radio static of the channel clicked again and Sersi laughed. "He's really quite all right, you two. Anything up there?"
"Nothing, so far," Thena sighed before remembering to add, "over and out."
Gil smiled as he put the walkie back in his pocket. Thena probably thought it was silly too, but she would never actually say anything. It was one of the many ways in which she indulged him on these ghost hunts. "Hey."
She looked at him, wondering what had caught his attention. Once she saw him wiggling his hand at her, her smiled turned a little bit shy as she slipped her hand into his. "Do you think they'll know what to look for?"
"I told them about what all the equipment does, they should be able to tell if they get any activity," Gil murmured as they turned down a hall into a more residential looking area. "Whoa, this looks like an actual house."
"This must have been an area for those in a palliative sort of care, like a true hospice," she muttered, pressing closer to him. It was still old floors and concrete walls, but there were now rooms with more than nothing, some even still had an old metal bed frame in them. There was a dresser or two, even a mirror.
Gil winced as their flashlights both hit it head on. He lowered his, but he blinked and rubbed his eyes after the fact. "Can't believe something like that is still standing in a place like this in one piece."
Thena had no comment on it, apparently.
"Kinda freaky, right?" he sighed as he rubbed at his eyes again before shaking it off. "Thena?"
He looked around.
"Thena?" he called out with a little more urgency. He moved the flashlight around, plenty of the room doors were open, but he would have heard her. He would have felt her, wouldn't he? "Thena?!"
He rushed to check each of the rooms, forgetting how creepy everything was. His stomping feet were echoing all over the place, but that didn't matter. "Thena, where are you?!"
All that came back was his own voice bouncing around. He was starting to panic.
"Thena, please, answer me!" he panted, even moving the creaky, old doors to make sure she wasn't hiding somewhere. How could she have just vanished into this air?
He shouldn't have let go of her hand.
"Thena, please!" he shouted, retracing their steps, shining his flashlight down every hall he passed. He knew most of them led to dead ends. Where could she have gone? His hand pulled out the walkie-talkie again, fumbling with it a little. "G-Guys?!"
"Gil, what's wrong?"
"Th-Thena!" he gulped, knowing they needed more information than that. "She was right next to me and-and now-"
"Whoa, Gil, slow down. Nothing's happened to Thena, I'm sure she just went to look at something that caught her eye," Sersi attempted to diffuse his worry.
"Why the hell weren't you keeping an eye on her?" Ikaris snapped at him in sharp contrast.
"Oi," Druig chimed in on his set. "You all need to calm down, I just saw 'er."
"What?" Gil frowned. Druig and Makkari were on the second level, although most of it was sectioned off thanks to a fire from the last century. He rushed to the stairs, "you're sure?"
"Yeah, I saw her walk clear through that light grid you put up, actually," Druig narrated. He paused and then continued, "Kari saw'er goin' down the far stairwell."
"You mean the one to your left?" Gil asked, rushing down the main stairs so quickly he almost tripped at the very bottom. But he took off, full on sprinting.
"Yeah?"
Based on where they had set up, there was no way Thena could be on the stairwell to their left, because it led to absolutely nowhere, just a collapsed hallway downstairs and a boarded up room at the top. Whatever they had seen wasn't Thena.
"Keep your nightvision cam on, okay? And you two stay there--and stay close together!"
"Gil, man, you okay?" Ikaris asked a little more sympathetically, obviously hearing the urgency in his voice over the loud and static-y walkies. "Like Sersi said, I'm sure Thena's just fine."
"I'm on my way to you, just sit tight," Gil huffed. His chest felt tight, like it was on fire. He looked around, only now on the second floor. This place was such a massive hell hole, who knew what kind of malevolent spirits were in here. "Guys?!"
"Hold yer bloody horses, man, hell," Druig flashed his light at him from within the main hallway of the floor. As soon as Gil rounded the corner, though, Druig was already on his feet. Despite his words, his face was dead serious, "she really not with you?"
Gil gulped. Tears sprang to his eyes, although he knew this wasn't the time. He shook his head, trying to catch his breath. The light grid they had set up to pick up any kind of movement was still shining into the closed off areas ahead.
He jumped, but Makkari rubbed his back with a reassuring smile. Druig shone the light a little closer to them to illuminate her words. This place is like a maze, I'm sure she's looking for you too.
That was actually what worried him. He had screamed for her, at the very top of his lungs. And not only had he not heard anything back, but apparently none of their friends had heard him either, which seemed impossible.
And if he couldn't hear Thena, then how would he know if she needed his help?
"Where did you see her?" he asked, shining his own light closer to his face for Kari to read his lips.
She pointed. I swear I saw her walk through the grid. I thought she saw something in the window.
Thena would never walk through the light grid herself; it would compromise any evidence they got of a spectral figure. Still, Gil moved closer to it. He shone the flashlight into the corridor, through the propped open door. It was hard to tell with the light in the window reflection, but he was pretty sure it was just a boarded up, empty room through there.
Druig took the liberty of packing up the light grid and putting it back in his bag. "Take a look."
Gil slid closer to the darkened hallway. Despite never having been on one of these hunts before, all their friends were far less scared than he was. Maybe because they definitely didn't believe in ghosts. His heart hammered as he entered the suffocating dark of the hallway. He pressed his flashlight to the window of the door that was boarded closed. If something jumped up at him he might have a heart attack.
It was just a closed up room, full of evidence of fire damage. He angled the light around as best he could without giving himself nothing but reflection to look at. He jumped as some kind of movement caught his eye. He tried to follow it but it was gone as soon as he saw it. But he knew it moved towards the other door to the room.
And it looked blonde.
Druig and Makkari made room for him as he started running towards the main stairs again. "Come on!"
"If she's messin' with us she's makin' us go through a hell of a workout," Druig felt the need to chime in, following him down the stairs.
But Gil knew that wasn't the case. Maybe - maybe - she might mess with Ikaris a little, possibly Druig, all in good fun. But she would never make him worry about her like this, she just wouldn't. She would never scare him like this, not when it was always her calming him down on these hunts.
It really was like a labyrinth in this place. Gil leapt down the last two stairs and whipped open the doors to the main floor. "Did you see her?!"
Ikaris and Sersi both jumped off the bench of the entrance hallway. They looked at each other and then at him. They still had most of the equipment set up around them, and a floodlight pointed at the ceiling for a little more illumination of the area.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Ikaris growled at him for storming in the way he did. "Didn't you see her on your level?"
Druig shrugged, "thought we did."
But Gil rushed past all of them, taking a right and pulling open the doors. This place was so massive, it was hard to keep track. But if the figure he had seen in the other room had been Thena, or worse, something else, it would have ended up in here. "Thena!"
Still, nothing but his own voice. It didn't echo like it did upstairs, though. He moved his flashlight around, seeing all the junk that was pushed into this empty but undamaged area of the building. He moved more slowly.
His heart was still hammering, but he made himself take each next step. He couldn't stop until Thena's hand was in his again. "Thena, are you in here?"
He could have sworn a voice whispered back to him. It would have been great potential evidence if he had any equipment or was recording anything. But for now, he took the potential whisper of 'she's mine' and scowled. "No, she's not."
Whatever whispered at him didn't have another reply to that.
Gil slid around a corner constructed of old office furniture, flashing his light in every nook and cranny. "She's my girlfriend! Whatever you are, find someone on your own plain of existence!"
Something rattled in a far corner. He really was going to have a heart attack in here. But he gulped, re-grasping his flashlight in his sweaty palm. No ghost was getting his precious Thena--not tonight.
He moved closer to the rattling. It was a doorknob turning. Okay, so he might die in here tonight. He hoped his friends would escape, at least. But if he did die, then maybe he could be with Thena. If she had died alone in here, he would never forgive himself.
There was a door, and the doorknob was turning.
Gil let out a breath and steeled his resolve again. He could do this. He would do this! He could do anything if it was for Thena. Thena, he repeated to himself as he reached for the doorknob, Thena, Thena, Thena.
As soon as he touched the doorknob, it was no longer locked, and flew open. Thena tumbled into the room, straight into his chest as he caught her. Both of their flashlights fell and rattled on the ground as they held onto each other.
"Gil!" Thena gasped into his shirt, burying her face in it as soon as she knew it was him. "I-I-I didn't--I-I thought-!"
"It's okay, it's okay," he gulped, holding her as tight as he could without hurting her. It was really Thena in his arms, small and warm, blonde hair under his chin. His tears came again, and he didn't force them away, "you're really here."
Thena held onto him just as tightly, clawing at the back of his shirt so she could hold fistfuls of it. "I-I turned around and you were gone--just gone! And I tried shouting for you but I couldn't hear anything around me but silence. And then I thought I saw this--th-this thing-!"
"It's okay, I'm here," he whispered. He couldn't process any of what she was saying right now. All he could think about was the comfort of having his Thena in his arms again.
Slowly, they released one another. Thena sniffled, laughing as she put her hands on his cheeks. "I'm supposed to be the one here for you."
He laughed as well, just as watery and tearful. He put his hands on her cheeks as well, "I can be here for you, just this once."
She leaned into him again as he kissed her.
"You two okay?!"
Thena pulled back and picked her flashlight up first. She shone it around the room, "where are we?"
Gil frowned as she handed him his flashlight as well. "We're on the ground floor, in that side room we checked out first thing tonight."
"The ground floor?" she repeated, looking completely baffled. "We were on the third floor. I-I felt something pull me and I thought it was you, then I was in this completely other room. I was trying to find my way back to you in the hall."
Nice try, ghost creep; Gil took her hand, weaving their fingers together. He could carry his flashlight in his mouth if he had to.
"Gil," Thena continued to frown as he guided them back towards the entrance, "I didn't go down any stairs. We can't possibly be downstairs again."
"It's okay, Thena," he reassured her blindly. It didn't matter. None of it mattered, now that his fear was lifting. He waved as a flashlight circled from where the door was. "I got her!"
Collective sighs of relief were had. Ikaris was the first to bark at them, "what the hell, Thena?! You nearly scared the big guy half to death--that's not funny!"
"Shush," Sersi soothed the beast beside her, as she always did. "We're just glad you're both okay."
Druig and Makkari gave them both more curious looks, "where the hell were did you go?"
"I-" Thena looked at each of them, seeming completely stunned. "I don't know."
"Doesn't matter," Gil spoke up, more sure of this now than he had been about anything all night. "We're getting out of here--now."
He pushed through them, pulling Thena to the door to the outside, hand in hand. He could hear their friends packing up all the equipment behind them.
"Yappin' orders at us now, is he?" he could hear Ikaris gripe behind them.
"Stop it, they've been through enough." How did Sersi put up with him?
Finally outside, Gil took a deep breath. He put his hands on Thena's cheek again, urging her to do the same. She did, but she looked up at him. "Really Gil, I thought I was making my way back to you. I didn't even see any stairs, there's no way I could have-"
"We'll figure it out later," he resolved. They could do that in a safe place, where there was overhead lighting, and a warm mug of her favourite tea. Maybe he'd even have a blanket around her shoulders and massage her feet. "All that matters is you're safe."
Thena's face shifted to something like guilt. She looked down at their joined hands. "I thought I saw you."
"What?"
"What lured me away," she admitted quietly, and maybe with the first bit of true fear he had heard her voice all night. "I thought I saw you in one of those other rooms. That was what made me follow...whatever it was in there."
It had lured him the same way. But, again, that could wait until they were in a brightly lit space with firmly locked doors.
Gil kissed her forehead and pulled her into his arms. "I found you again, so it doesn't really matter."
"Hm," she sighed, nuzzling her face into his chest again. "I knew I'd find you, I guess you finding me is okay, too."
Ah, his invincible Thena. She was the truly unshaken of the two of them. But he had to admit, he was assured by tonight that he had what it took to square up if he really needed to. If it was for the woman he loved, at least.
#Oh my gosh sweetie thank YOU for sending me asks!!!#I always try my best with all of them#and it's nice to feel wanted y'know?#Thenamesh Ghost Files AU#as always shared with the amazing @taran-chan#I thought about it and I thought this was the best au#because the immortal Eternals either#A: cannot be touched or harmed by ghosts or#B: have plenty of experience with ghosts and thus don't fear them#but this Gil loses hold of Thena's hand#and he freaks out loses his mind#he's like where is my emotional support girlfriend please???#that sad hamster with the eyes and the music#meanwhile everyone else came along for the ride for fun#for the halloween vibe#and now they're like um im sorry are ghosts real#Phastos comes and picks them up like you all look like shit#Thena really doesn't believe how it happened#she just kept going into room and after room chasing glimpses of him#until all of a sudden she's in a locked room on the ground floor scared and alone?#Gil tells her everything#and she's like are you FUCKING KIDDING that's the best evidence we've ever had and we don't even have solid recordings of all of it?!#Gil: it doesn't matter just let me hold you#more sad hamster with eyes music#Gil says no more hunts for at least a month maybe ever#and he wants them to be tied together at the waist from now on#the others still kind of don't believe but hey it was kinda cool#and Gil is now in his overprotective boyfriend era#also imagine you're a ghost and this group of - let's say - late twenty somethings barges into your home#if I were a ghost I too would have a crush on Thena all I'm saying
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#oc#rex#dragon#closerverse#doodle#made up the font to the left it's Sci Fi Future English TM#reads 'rex's radio repair'#he does do this for the record. he likes machineray and he likes radios and he will repair your shit for free#this is another reason people tolerate his horrible attitude and unpleasant demeanor.#its largely like if once every two or three months some guy would show up on your block ostensibly to drop off packages#and while he was there he just fixed your cell phone because he was bored#and then sent your mail off for you and left#and while he might be generally kind of a prick and not a lot of fun to talk to he's out of there fast enough#oh. and he'll fix it with spare things lying around or by using the materials already in there#which is nice in a world without consistent shipping or easy supply lines#closerverse is still on a 'things are more expensive than labor' system but labor is also expensive there.#specialty materials are just REALLY expensive#favorite
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Listen to the Audio Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
Read the Story Index | First Chapter | Current Chapter
OMG THIS FREAKING CHAPTER AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *Deep Breaths* I have been trying to upload this particular chapter for nearly a month JESUS CHRIST IT'S OVER ITS DONE ITS UPLOADED I NEVER NEED TO TOUCH THIS FILE EVER AGAIN! *Falls flat on face*
The Art of Love and War is written by @fireflywritesgt and the audio reading is recorded and posted with permission.
#good lord on high give me mercy#I recorded chapter three forever ago#then went on vacation before i can finish editing it#i come back#then i realize#oh shit#the quality sounds terrible#i need to rerecord the whole thing#THEN WHAT HAPPENS??????#I CATCH A COLD#IM NASALY AND COUGHING AND CONGESTED FOR OVER TWO WEEKS#I"M STILL COUGHING#You will hear said coughing in this chapter's blooper reel#g/t#giant/tiny#gt#giant tiny#borrowers#mighty records#the art of love and war#taolaw#TAoLaW audio#anyways four is already recorded#recorded it at the same time as three and the quality is perfect#just need to edit it now so it should be up sooner rather than later#thanks yall for ur patience#also sorry to o grady#totally gave up on the irish accent#We are going the Conan O’Brien route#just trust me on this one
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Fly, My Wings
Fly, broken wings I know you are still with me All I need is a nudge to get me started
Fly, broken wings To somewhere we can be free Closer to our "ideal"
Teary-eyed Once-gentle soul I watched as you rotted away
The mirror says That I still remember hope
You're doing what you love Isn't that enough? Isn't that enough? A genius, perfect job Isn't that enough? Isn't that enough?
Again and again You locked me down, I locked me down We staked me to the ground The soil gave me warmth
Please die, little dreams Kill the camellias in me Wouldn't it be easier to give in?
Why are these hands chasing dreams out of my reach? Is my thirst for normalcy "odd"?
Fly, perfect wings Where have you been hiding? Bring me to the mind that got us started
Fly, perfect wings Show them who I can be For the one last time, if you will That's all
#FUCK YOU I FINISHED CANTO IV YESTERDAY AND I COULDNT SLEEP CUZ THAT REPEATED IN MY HEAD#SO I HAD TO PRETEND LIKE I WAS DONGRAG IN SOME AFTERLIFE HOTEL OR SOME SHIT??? IDFK#JUST SO I COULD SLEEP#IM GONNNA SOB STILL TBH#limbus#limbus company#dongrag limbus company#samjo lcb#lcb#i want everyone to see this.#OH YEAH REBLOG THIS SO IT CAN REACH MORE PEOPLE#I WANT EVERY LIMBUS FAN TO REMEMBER.#this is all lighthearted for the record#i just wanna sleep
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omg i literally love wheelbitten as a comic and ur art is amazing
random question but how long have u been drawing as an artist and do u have advice.............
thank uuuu and I've been drawin my ass off since I could hold a pencil and I'm 24 (25 next month) now so this shit wasn't overnight by any means lmfao idk the way i did it was have A Thing that you like drawing and just draw the fuck outa it and eventually you'll get better for sure whether it be the desire to get better at drawing said thing makes you do research and study something to become better at it or just literal muscle memory from drawing said thing so much. I had lil spouts of taking time to get better at specific things like anatomy, shading, ect. by studying it but overall i just subconsciously got better by mentally picking up new things everytime i draw and analyzing the world around me. Even recently i got to see that with drawing tactical gear (that ive never really drawn before and never wanted to draw in my life) soley bc i just REALLY fukkin love Ghost and Konig
i went from being terrified and intimidated of drawing tactical gear (even trying to put a gun in front of it as if that was any better lmfao) it used to be vague as hell and my brain would shut down just trying to look at the references(i remember having a ''shit man am i even gunna be able to draw these characters???'' moment of dread the first time i was drawing Konig pffft) to absolutely loving drawing tactical gear and seeing how much more detailed i can make it with every new drawing, so a complete 180 but that's bc im just totally obsessed with the characters and drawing is how i express that sO thats mainly what i mean by just have a thing that you love and want to draw and the rest should follow with time, patience, and practice. I think it's about training your brain and motivation to pick up on details or a certain way something looks in lighting (or lack thereof) bc my brain is probably wired a certain way after art being like a centerpiece of my development to the point to where drawing is just What I Do and at this point if i dont draw for even a few days i start getting vaguely antsy and fidgety it's crazy lmfao SO idk if this is worded like i need it to but yeah art and the act of drawing can be frustrating as hell but it should be enjoyable and rewarding above all else at the end of the day!
#i drew bc the piece of shit im unfortunately biologically related to drew a lot when we were kids so id just copy her#then i drew winged wolves and dragons and the occasional horse for like 7 years then The Axel obsession started#where i drew axel from kindom hearts literally all the time and had 870000 aus for him where i would draw for all of them#when i tell you the obsession for him was catastrophic u best believe but it kept me drawing like a motherfucker until i made my monster oc#which was around the age of 15 is when i started consistently drawing humanoids#OH YEAH i had a whole lion king phase too in 2011 where i would strictly draw lions all the time and my first record of drawing online was#on the lion king fanart archive (which i still visit to look back its like visiting an old janky friend:') )#but yeah then my heart was stolen by my ocs and all the potential designs i could make them#and thats where i am now aside from the festering COD masked men obsession boiling over in the corner AHA#so basically latch onto an obsession and pick up that damn pencil#even as a kid if i liked anything the immediate connection was trying to draw it#didnt matter how weird to draw or undrawable it was my ass would be in that notebook bc its the only way i know how to express myself lmfao#this is long as fuck but NOW im out peace skskksk
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i think what's really been getting to me the past few months is the realisation that i dont relate to literally any of the mental health stuff i see anywhere. like whenever there's some affirmation or motivation or just relatable-sounding posts in general they all seem like such common problems and it's like, damn i literally dont experience any of that. and yet im still crumpling. something uniquely wrong with me
#like ion have social anxiety and my depression manifests entirely differently. already excludes like 90% of things on here#also like. my parents grew up so poor immediately post ww2 and in the ussr that they#were eating dead animals off the street. my father was in a revolution when he was 10 and grew up working in a mine#and ion even wanna think abt the shit my mother endured in transylvania#and they both went to uni for over a decade and made an extremely good life for themselves#and i cant even do 2 yrs of uni without folding?? i dont even have anything else going on#i literally have everything handed to me why can't i just function#maybe i never learned how to struggle for things. i dont know#barking#and i cant say oh well im more mentally ill than them. first of all where do you think i got them from. second of#all they were in a war and spent the majority of their lives in the ussr. they wont even#talk about most of the things they went through#like dont get me wrong i have such a long list of mental issues my biography would count as the next dsm#but it's not like my parents were okay at any point. so like#for the record they stopped living in the ussr because the ussr ended they didn't move out or anything. we're still in eastern europe#which is definitely contributing to my overall state. please can i fucking leave pleeeease
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Having a B3 overdose be like
#for the record im okay now#but an hour ago i thought i was dying of an allergic reaction#i felt like a vampire stepping out into the sun and catching fire#my whole face chest upper back elbows arms had red patches like hives#no itching no swelling no dizziness could still breathe and blood pressure was good#but i felt like i dived into a pool of lava#i seriously thought “oh shit this is spontaneous human combustion im gonna end up in a ripleys believe it or not special.”#“guess ill die!”#still monitoring symptoms in case i gotta hit the er tonight but I'm feeling better#ive been taking b3 for a long time and never had a response like this maybe my body is thinking fuck this shit we're done#i checked off everything ive drank and eaten today and listed my meds im confident its this shit#still gonna go to the docs tomorrow for a follow up#but if i can dodge a 10000+ ER charge to the medical debt i already carry imma do that#im too impoverished for the weewoo mobile guys#murica for ya#anyway if you take b3 watch your six on this shit#(i know i gotta take it seriously but seeing the humor and making fun of myself helps me cope)#magenta is my vent word
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if you're wondering how ridiculous and detailed my qcellbit lore doc is this is just a tiny section ^^ i keep detailed notes on every day cellbit logged on and everything remotely important that happened yes it is way too much but i have problems in my brain
#bell.txt#may 17th esp so much shit happened the night before so im like taking down DETAILED notes about dappers death#and all the stuff with luzus computer (moments of all time frfr)#and aside from lore stuff im also taking down exactly how the arg stuff works bc the only record of a lot of it#is cellbit's vods and also its so cool and interesting i want to make sure i do it justice#like people archived some of the site stuff but not all of it#i went through desperately archiving tweets the other day like oh my gd i need to have these still#also this doesnt even factor in how much overall server lore info is just like in my brain and i'll have to remember to note stuff down#and track sources whenever i think of those events/enigmas/etc.#like luckily i have an insane memory for stuff like this#the other day i listed off an insane amount of regret stuff without fact checking and got nervous and looked into it all#and i had every single detail correct i felt way too powerful#anyway. a glimpse into my mind
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also like i partially found out i might be intersex because i was looking at trans stuff and there was like "(however many) months on t and finally seeing some bottom growth" and like pictures of t-dicks and i was like.... um.... that's kind of just what my clit looks like anyways. so i was like "hey google give me a quick rundown on this" and learned what clitoromegaly was and then i was like. hm. intersex resources. and it's like a sign? symptom? side-effect? of certain intersex conditions
#i mean like pcos runs in the mums side of my family but i dont have all the symptoms of that#i do also have like. more hair?? than the average afab person#like dark hair on my stomach and chest and back#and my face. whats disappointing about the face hair is that it isnt enough to be able to grow a beard#so i cant even fuck with gender that way#tagging as nsft just because of like genital mention#genital mention#nsft#shoutout to transmascs on t who show their t-dicks on the internet it was really helpful#also i dont know how to describe it but like. my natural face shape is kind of masculine??#like it would be plausible for a cis amab perisex man to have my face without looking feminine#if you get what im saying??#if it sounds like im reinforcing sex or gender essentialism please say i am struggling to find words#unshoutout to the boys in primary school who made fun of me for having hair under my arms and starting a whole decade of insecurity-#-about having hair on my body lmao#for the record i dont think certain face shapes are indicative of gender and all im just going by like. patterns?? in afab vs. amab faces#also not that i think afab vs. amab is the entire categorisation of human sex characteristics but um. working with what vocab i have here#i think what also really kicked it off. was relating to a fair few experiences intersex people have socially#particularly intersex ppl who were afab and faced a lot of pressure to make their bodies conform to feminine beauty standards#and it was like.... oh lol.... my mum did that to me!!#it comes from her own internalised shit bc she has pcos (idk if she identifies as intersex even tho she could if she wanted) but still.#dont project that onto a 10 yr old lmao. she keeps buying me hair removal products#ALSO floored by an experience i have. in which apparently half my friends dont feel pressure to shave their legs#because the hair on their legs is like. light and thin and barely visible and i was like?? huh??#what do you MEAN your legs don't look like your brothers/fathers if you dont shave??#im starting to think they dont shave their arms. their arms might just naturally not have a load of hair#i dont shave my arms though. cannot be bothered with that and also like. why would i do that#also you know that like. happy trail i think its called?? on “men's” stomachs??#yeah i have that naturally yeah thats right im naturally sexy#if you cant tell i am putting “girls” “mens” “boys” “womens” etc. in quotes to indicate that is just the normal society way of saying it
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If it really turns out to be Wiccan/Billy Kaplan in Agatha All Along, stans of him have my prayers and sympathy for how the MCU is about to fuck up his character completely.
#they didnt even cast a jewish actor if that is billy oh my god#can the mcu JUST try to cast jewish actors how hard is it#its good they've cast a gay actor but like they still not casting jewish actors for jewish roles#really making me dread how they gonna fuck up magneto's and shadowcat's casting more and more at this point#plus im sorry but what to the description witches familiar???#how the fuck- HES A SORCERER LIKE HIS MOM IN THE COMICS#he literally in the comics is inspired by doctor strange and thor when making his superhero costume#hes the sorcerer of his team basically#like how the fuck did that get changed to being a witches familiar#plus dont trust wiki not only cause its wiki but also 'dating hulkling' we havent even got teddy in the mcu yet#let alone i dont trust the mcu in actually showing two gay characters dating for more then seconds#because their track record so far is pretty bad#plus if they dating we didnt even get their meeting and shit...of fucking course....
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I'm just always a bitch to everyone apparently and I'm told to go upstairs... certain people wonder why I stay in my room all the time
#el speaks#delete later#this is about my mother lol#I just can't be exhausted#she needs to learn that I just sound like a bitch all the time seriously I just talk like this (especially tired)#god I'm sorry I'm not always happy and feel comfortable talking to you or your boyfriend#he can't even talk to me face to face he always runs and hides behind you#“I asked her something and she was grumpy :(” like omg dude seriously? did I hurt your fucking feelings? oh gee I'm so fucking sorry#“things never go my way” -my mother#oh yeah? how do you think I feel? oh you don't#I try to care about you all the time but you never give me the same treatment#god you have no idea how much I wanna speak my mind fully#I try to fucking spend time with you even in small ways like going grocery shopping but that was still impossible#I can never get a word in about anything you're a broken record#“my job sucks and my boyfriend won't be here for my birthday :(”#sorry but shit happens sorry my presence isn't enough#I really do try... but man#also I think I got triggered or something? dogs get to me man#maybe I am just a bitch and if so? all well#wonder why
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hopital survived. ive got a fear of hospitals (luckily less bad than it used to be) but tbh i wasnt even afraid when i finally got all checked in bc i got to sit in the nuclear medicine waiting room & i was sooo hyped about nuclear medicine being A Thing that i got to learn more about that i forgot i was afraid lmaoo
#dagger chatter#the nurse was like ‘yeah it looks scary but thats a lead protector - youll be fine its just for me cuz im around it daily’#AND IM LIKE. OH SHIT I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT LEAD COVERS FOR SYRINGES THAT RULES#then i fell asleep for a bit bc i was meant to sit still for an hour while the radioactive tracker was recorded#anyways it ruled#little a nap. a radioactive nap
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