#Obey me crack

[tsukii0002]

Diavolo: Hey Barbatos, have you seen those human coats that have a giant pocket for pets?

Barbatos: … Yeah, I think I know what you mean young master…. Why do you ask?

Diavolo: Do you think there would be one big enough to carry Mc?

Barbatos: … Why?

Diavolo: To be able to carry Mc, as if they were a kangaroo.

Mc: *dramatically walking in with a slam of the door* It's not necessary!!!!! I can hold on to you like I'm a Koala!!!!

Diavolo: :D YEEEIII!!!!!

Barbatos: *sigh* You two are a match made in hell.

.

.

[beelanddiavolosimp-blog]

Fem MC after Thirteen was mocking them for their chest size: Guys are my boobs small?

Levi: w-what! Why ask that!?

Belphie: yeah

Beel: *shakes head no*

Asmos glaring at belphie : no they aren't 36B is a little on the average side not small

Mammon: I mean I can measure if ya would like-

Lucifer: *smacks Mammon*

Satan: Asmos why do you know Mc's bra size....

[devildomwriter]

MC vs Mephistopheles’ Horses

[squeakyducky]

Favouritism is real

[devildomangel]

MC who was sad that they didn't get to see the Solar Eclipse so Beel and Belphie decided to recreate it for them.

-MC, wearing sunglasses and sitting outside the HOL-

Lucifer: MC! What in the nine circles are you doing out here?

MC: I'm watching the eclipse.

Lucifer: We don't even have a sun in the devildom

MC: Shhh! It's starting!

Beel, Wearing a cardboard cut out of the sun: *Standing still*

Belphie: *Wearing a cardboard cut out of the moon, passes by Beel*

MC: Hell yeah

[comfortcharacterprompts]

Lucifer: It’s dark in here Mc: Don’t worry, I got this. Mc: *Stomps their feet* Mc: *Skechers light up*

[slutifer]

Lucifer: mc, you can’t just say “spit in my mouth” when one of us does something you deem attractive

mc: but why not??

Mammon: yeah it’s just saliva, what’s the problem??

Satan: did you know that saliva is almost entirely water? only 0.5 percent of it is anything else, but that tiny portion is full of useful enzymes-proteins that speed up chemical reactions-

Lucifer: stop-

Satan: among these are amylase and ptyalin, which begin to break down sugars in carbohydrates while they are still in our mouths. if we chew a starchy food like bread or potato for a bit longer than normal, we will soon notice a sweetness. unfortunately, bacteria in our mouths like that sweetness, too-

Lucifer: STOP-

Satan: they devour the liberated sugars and excrete acids, which drill through human teeth and give them cavities. other enzymes, notably lysozyme-which was discovered by human scientist alexander fleming before he stumbled onto penicillin-attack many invading pathogens, but not the ones that cause tooth decay, alas.

Satan: …

Lucifer: …

mc: …

mc: spit in my mouth

Lucifer: MC

[cafe-smut]

One of my favorite things about Obey Me is that if you put anything on Mammon that forces him to speak the truth, he immediately wants it gone/off and for one singular reason.

Levi: *puts truth bracelet on Mammon*

Mammon, turning to Lucifer: I would do anything for you. I love you. You're my big brother and I'd fall into hell all over again for you. GET THIS THING OFF OF MEEEE

And it always ends with Lucifer staring at Mammon like he's seeing a small little angel all over again and falls in love (PLATONIC YOU BITCHES) with his brother all over again and then lets Mammon get away with shit for a week because that's his precious baby brother. If I were Mammon I would use that shit all the time.

[helshollowhalls]

[absolutepokemontrash]

I’m just imagining MC trying to curb the brothers’ more dangerous sinful urges, both for their own good and the good of the people around them, but it doesn’t always work out, and MC needs to settle for small victories.

Mammon: Gah! Human! It’s in my DNA! I’m hardwired to want things! I’m the demon of greed dammit! I want to steal!

MC: No! No theft!

Mammon: Not even one bit of grand larceny? ONE jewellery store???

MC: NO!

Mammon: MC-

MC: OH FOR THE LOVE OF- go rob that fucking vending machine to get the urges out! Shoo! Shoo!

Mammon: *grumbles on the way to shake the shit out of a vending machine*

——————

MC: So this is called Chess Boxing, you can stimulate your brain in between giving it blunt force trauma, and inflicting it on your opponent!

Satan: I don’t know, MC… I’m not sure if I’ll like i-

*elapsed time: 3 minutes*

Satan, covered in blood, both his own, and otherwise: WOOOOO! CHECKMATE, YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER!

Random wrath demon, on the floor: *shaky thumbs up*

—————

MC: This is called competetive eating, Beel.

Beelzebub: So I need to eat all of these humans eating those tacos before the timer runs out. I don’t know, MC, that sounds easy.

MC: Beel- no- you’re eating the tacos. It’s a competition to see who can eat more food, not people.

Beelzebub: Ohhhhh, that sounds much better! :3

————

MC: So instead of being such a dick-

Lucifer: You love it.

MC: Shut up. Anyway, instead of being such a dick, you can channel your pride into other things, like putting your brothers’ report cards up on the fridge!

Lucifer: MC, I would do that if they got anything worth being proud of.

MC: Maybe you can be proud of yourself for investing in a fucking tutor then, Ms Trunchbull.

————

MC: Belphie- Belphie wake up, we need to find something more sustainable to channel your sloth into.

Belphie: *snore*

MC: …you are a drain on my mental energy.

*MC is immediately swatted by Belphie’s tail*

————

MC: Hey Asmo, you know those incredibly detailed dirty roleplay stories you text me on a regular basis?

Asmo: How could I forget~?

MC: Yeah yeah yeah, so do you want to stop traumatizing me with those and go write a dark romance novel that’ll make some booktok girlie scream over?

Asmo: Oooooo… tempting~!

————

MC: Hey Levi, why don’t we envy something attainable so you have something to work towards? Like showering more!

Leviathan: What..? What’s this all about??

MC: I’m just trying to help you grow beyond constantly feeling envy to everyone around you, because you’re pretty great, Levi!

MC: And you can start showing the world you’re great by showering more!

Leviathan: MC, I don’t know…

MC: Watch, you can envy how much I don’t stink! Levi, please, you smell like moldy Monster Energy…

[sphireath-wisp]

One day, out of nowhere, the RAD Newspaper Club announces the start of a new account on Devilgram, dubbed a RAD confessions page. Promising anonymity with every post, they wish to seek out honest, unfiltered opinions and serve as a safe space.

It started off pretty light, of course.

"I think the future demon lord's butler and the Avatar of Pride are a weirdly coherent pair"

"The new curses class teacher that just joined RAD is unbelievably boring, skip his classes because they don't help. At all."

"The major blood spill that happened in 4th period in the girls' bathroom was me oops"

These little, usually harmless confessions didn't shock anyone. It barely served as anything interesting and you had overheard a group of their members complaining during lunch. Amused after hearing the RAD Newspaper Club's dispirited attitudes as the popularity of the account didn't rise as they originally anticipated, you decided to help them out a little by stirring the pot.

You stand up, excusing yourself from Satan, Beel, Belphie, and Mammon. "I'll be back," you promise with a cheeky grin. You make a beeline straight for Solomon, sitting beside him without a word with your shoulders touching his.

"Need something from me?" he chuckles, enjoying the sudden proximity.

You lean closer with your hands covering the sides of your face so no one could guess what you were mouthing out. Instinctively, Solomon tilts his head to you before... "mwah!" and that's all you say to him before scurrying off back to Satan, Mammon, and the twins.

Later that evening, a new post on the confession page pops up.

"oh my diavolo, you can't tell me yall didn't see the two transfer humans kissing!"

and devilgram goes wild.

[tsukii0002]

Asmo: I understand that you like spending time with Mc and Beel, Belphie, but don't you think that maybe Mc would like some time alone with you or Beel?

Belphie: I don't know what you mean.

Satan: Well, you have to admit that we're not exactly easy to deal with and I think Mc already has their hands full with just one of us.

Belphie: I don't see the problem, doesn't Mc have two hands?

Satan and Asmo: …

Belphie: One for me and one for Beel, so don't get involved in how I manage my time with my favorite people *he leaves with dignity*.

.

.

Sure, he likes his alone time with Mc and respects Beel's, but he'll never stop being a little shit to everyone else.

.

.

[aydien677]

Salmon.

Mc: "Hey Salmon."

Solomon: "Mc, I told you before it's Sol-O-Mon"

Mc: "anyway, Salmon."

Solomon: *sigh*

Pickles

Mc: "So his name is Mepenalties"

Barbatos: *almost spills tea*

Diavolo: "No, no, Mephistopheles"

Mc: "Mefistoplease

Lucifer: *dies of laughter*

Diavolo: "Meh-phi-sto-phe-lese"

Mc: "Mephipickles"

[zziridian]

Mephistopheles: as an exchange student I'd expect better

Mc: my apologies mitochondria

Mephistopheles: WHAT

Mc:??

Mephistopheles: say my name

Mc: mesopotamia

Mephistopheles: nope

Mc: Metropolis

Mephistopheles: try again

Mc: Mumbojumbo? Malarkey?Magazine?Microwave oven?

Mephistopheles: I am leaving

Mc: IM SORRY MOZZARELLA

For the life of me I can't pronounce Mephistopheles

[squeakyducky]

If MC wants someone to do a favour for them, all they have to do is go hug the character's arm, catch them off guard. Muster up the sweetest expression they can make and bat their pretty eyelashes at his questioning gaze and whisper out their wishes to him. And they're putty in your arms despite how smug they look. It works against even the difficult ones like Barbatos, Lucifer or Belphie. They WILL give into it. I guarantee it 100%. The easiest ones are, you guessed it Mammon, Levi and Beelzebub.

[l3viat8an]

MC: Careful now. If you keep being sweet, I'll start thinking you're in love with me.

Solomon: What could I have possibly done to make you think I'm not??