#OUR DELUSIONS CAME TRUE

[gemkun]

YELLS ON THE TOP OF THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN

[deus-ex-mona]

pretty minor thing to think about, but i find it interesting how chapter 7 is the first chapter illustration to show chizuutan as chizuru (instead of chuutan)

like, i get it’s a flashback chapter, but we hardly got to see her as chizuru in the previous few chapters thus far… maybe we’ll get to see more of her as her true self after the hiyori fight/make up? only future chapters may tell, i guess…

[norrisainz33]

bubble || LN4

☆ summary: internet sleuths find out that lando norris has been flirting with and potentially dating a relatively unknown singer

☆ pairing: lando norris x singer!reader

☆ fc & warnings: zinadelphia & slightly suggestive. you are responsible for the content you consume

☆ requested: nope!

ﾟ. ✿ ୨❤︎୧⠀✿ . ﾟ

f1gossip has made a post

liked by user1, user2, user3, user4, user5, user6, yourbff and 18,345 others

f1gossip: it’s been brought to our attention by an anonymous user that our lando norris has been caught seemingly flirting in the comment sections (for at least the past 24 weeks based off the time stamps) with a small american artist, y/n y/l/n. he’s the only driver that follows her and has been consistently in her comment section hyping her up and calling her things like “gorgeous”, “talented” and “pretty.” what do you all make of this?

view all 653 comments

user1: oh my god lando????

user14: i’ve never once heard of this girl?

user2: how did we not know about this for the past 24 weeks guys wtf

user4: no like seriously…. seems like something we should have known already

user3: wait her music is really good tho 🥹

user7: her song mirrorball??? the girl has some vocals wow

user4: just looked her up and she’s beautiful… i see what he’s seeing

yourbff: screaming my head off at this

user1: and who are you??? do you know y/n??

f1gossip: check your dms yourbff

user5: she’s using him for fame!

user4: considering we all just found out about her…. imma go ahead and say no she’s not

user6: now how do i make this about me 🙂‍↔️

ynuser has added to their story

view all story the replies

user1: ooooo orange or papaya ???

yourbff: girl you fueling the flames with this post 😂💀

ynuser: HAHA i know… i got 24k new followers in the past 2 days since you sent me that post by f1gossip and figured id have some fun with it since there’s no hiding now

yourbff: who knew meeting that guy randomly in europe 6 months ago was going to turn out like this

ynuser: certainly not me girl. remember when i thought he was some weirdo who was just trying to hit on me in the bar??

yourbff: bc he had no rizz but max and p really swooped in and saved him and now look at you 🥹

ynuser: my perfect little no rizz baby boy 🥹 love of my life 🤭

landonorris: it’s papaya baby

ynuser: i couldn’t be too obvious now could i?

landonorris: nah go on then be obvious

ynuser: oh you want me to post you?

landonorris: yeah specifically that one pic you took of us in the mirror last night

ynuser: LANDO that is for OUR eyes only

landonorris: right yes

landonorris: i still think you should post me

ynuser: i don’t know if i want to burst our little bubble yet

landonorris: fair enough baby. you just tell me when! i’ve got paddock passes, pictures, plane tickets — everything lined up for when you’re ready

ynuser: 🥹😭 vegas? we go on our little vacation after im done my tour and you’re done in brazil and then pop the bubble?

landonorris: sounds great to me gorgeous but seriously no pressure

user2: my delusions are working over time

maxfewtrell: i’m trying so hard to defend your privacy and this is what you post

ynuser: what’s wrong with the color orange?

maxfewtrell: y/n

user3: ain’t ever seen you and lando in the same room but i somehow know yall doing it

user4: you’re so pretty and your outfits eat so hard wtf 😭

user9: praying this is a new song lyric idk who these new fans are talking about lando this lando that …. i need a new song

ynuser has made a post

liked by youbff, yourfriend2, yoursibling, landonorris, maxfewtrell, ynupdates, and 54,235 others

ynuser: baby’s first headlining tour was a success! thank you to everyone who came out and sang along with me every night. i love you all dearly 🤍 and for all the newbies here, welcome 🫶🏻

view all 324 comments

user1: oh she’s so cute

user2: starting a y/n fan club rn yall

yourbff: you are making those dreams come true bb girl

ynuser: trying to 🥹

yoursibling: cutie patootie i love you

ynuser: i love you more

user23: the peoples most beautiful princess 🤍

user9: who are all you new people here

user2: lando norris fans. who are you?

user9: a y/n y/l/n fan. who is lando norris?

user2: a formula 1 driver!

user9: race cars?? i did not expect that…

user8: taking note of lando and max in the likes

user4: also taking note of their lack of a comment…. lando has commented on every single one of her posts before the f1gossip post dropped

user16: i was there last night!!! best show ever!!! love you y/n

user19: i’m obsessed with those cherry earrings

landonorris has made a post

liked by maxfewtrell, quadrant, mclarenf1, oscarpiastri, ynuser, alex_albon23, and 823,104 others

landonorris: a much needed break. vegas here we come baby

view all 743 comments

user1: i don’t know where to look ,, at the wh*re in the first pic or the soft launch in the second my god 😮‍💨😍😭😔💀

user9: ok user2… i get it now. also i’ve seen those white shoes in y/n’s posts before it’s def her

user2: omg you’re an icon for this

ynuser: dmn y’all really can identify me by my shoes?

user9: YN WHAT ARE YOU SOING HERE IM SORRY

user2: y/nlando confirmed

maxfewtrell: interesting choice of photos mate

landonorris: thanks! picked them myself

maxfewtrell: yeah clearly

pietra.pilao: 🤍

landonorris: 🧡

user2: i’m speechless

user55: hey lando idk if u heard but there’s a lookalike contest happening in my room tonight. $59 cash prize

oscarpiastri: those aren’t max’s legs 👀

landonorris: you’d be correct

user12: this is monumental

user18: my favorite sinister, evil and orange little gremlin

user14: you’re gonna cook in vegas king

ynuser had posted to her story

view all story replies

yourbff: this dress is eating in a way i didn’t think it would. i’m sorry for doubting you

ynuser: never doubt me 😤

lilyzneimer: had so much fun meeting you at dinner this evening!!! looking forward to spending the weekend with you at mclaren 🫶🏻

ynuser: omg it was so fun getting dinner with you and oscar!! i’m so so so glad to have you as a buddy in the paddock. i was super nervous about it all

lilyzneimer: it can be very overwhelming at times but we’ve got you y/n!!

ynuser: that means so much to me 🥹

user9: mother is mothering … in vegas?????

user12: are you in vegas per chance?! for the formula 1 grand prix?! for lando norris?!

user2: i fr need style tips and grwm’s from you y/n. every time you post an outfit it moves me

landonorris: in my hotel room 😈

ynuser: you got it ☝🏻 now hurry up and get back here

landonorris: trust me im hurrying

user8: i need someone to get you on a magazine cover stat

f1gossip has made a post

liked by user1, user2, user3, user4, user5, user6, yourbff and 19,231 others

f1gossip: confirmed! y/n y/l/n, singer songwriter, is in las vegas with lando norris for the las vegas gp. this seems to be their first official weekend out together

view all 327 comments

user2: as someone who has been deeply invested since the beginning (3 weeks ago).. this is everything

user9: my girl 🥹

user10: i truly wonder how in the world they even met… they’re such an interesting pair

user18: mclaren admin please ask him this weekend

user13: that should be me 😭

user24: ok wait guys im at the gp and y/n was walking through the paddock with lily and we waved her down because we had made some lando merch and she was honestly so sweet and stopped and took photos with us and chatted for way longer than she needed to. i truly hope she never changes she’s an angel

user21: this is so wholesome

user23: i fear she’s on track to become the people’s paddock princess in record time

user18: i have no one to send this to who will get it

mclaren has made a post

liked by landonorris, ynuser, maxfewtrell, oscarpiastri, yourbff, and 432,444 others

mclaren: this weekends most requested interview just dropped! make sure to check out the full thing over on the mclaren app 🟠

view all 329 comments

user18: mclaren admin is a y/nlando girly confirmed

maxfewtrell: he’s leaving out the bit where i had to save him from completely bombing

landonorris: 😔 you’re not gonna let me live that down huh

ynuser: idk what would have happened if max didn’t come over and stop you from explaining why you hate fish so passionately

landonorris: babe please not on the public instagram

user2: lando norizz strikes again

landonorris: love when i get asked good questions like this!

user4: king said if one more person asks me abt wdc im gonna lose it. ask me abt y/n instead

user9: this is making it incredibly hard to gatekeep y/n

ynuser: that’s my man 🙂‍↔️

landonorris: damn right it is

user13: the mutual do you know who i am is lowkey so funny

landonorris has made a post

liked by mclaren, ynuser, yourbff, oscarpiastri, maxfewtrell, pierregasly, and 843,238

landonorris: thanks for being nice to me this time vegas!! oh and thanks for coming y/n 😈🏆

view all 854 comments

user12: i’m so proud of you lando

user9: wahooooo first race i watched and you won. i think me and y/n are good luck for you

mclaren: incredible drive lando! that’s our winner!!

ynuser: something about seeing you on that podium 😮‍💨

landonorris: oh you like that?

ynuser: yes 🤭

landonorris: alright podium finishes only from now on 😏

user19: oh you two are freaks i just know it

ln4: LFGGGGG

user13: congrats on the win and the hot gf 😭

carlossainz55: congrats lando!! and hi y/n!

ynuser: hi carlos 🤍

maxfewtrell: much better post mate

landonorris: why thank you. i worked hard on this one

user2: a win and a hard launch = double win for me

ﾟ. ✿ ୨❤︎୧⠀✿ . ﾟ

a/n: thanks for reading!! likes and reblogs appreciated 🫶🏻

ﾟ. ✿ ୨❤︎୧⠀✿ . ﾟ

disclaimer: pictures are not mine and everything i write is fiction

© norrisainz33 || please do not rewrite, translate, or copy any of my works posted here on to any other platform

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Beth Bourne

Published: Feb 27, 2024

Kaiser gender specialists were eager to approve hormones and surgeries, which would all be covered by insurance as “medically necessary.”

On September 6, 2022, I received mail from my Kaiser Permanente Davis Ob-Gyn reminding me of a routine cervical screening. The language of the reminder stood out to me: “Recommended for people with a cervix ages 21 to 65.” When I asked my Ob-Gyn about this strange wording, she told me the wording was chosen to be “inclusive” of their “transgender” and “gender fluid” patients.

Based on this response, several thoughts occurred to me. Could I expose the medical scandal of “gender-affirming care” by saying and doing everything my daughter and other trans-identifying kids are taught to do? Would there be the type of medical safeguarding and differential diagnosis we would expect in other fields of medicine, or would I simply be allowed to self-diagnose and be offered the tools (i.e. hormones and surgeries) to choose my own gender adventure and become my true authentic self?

If I could demonstrate that anyone suffering from delusions of their sex, self-hatred, or identity issues could qualify for and easily obtain body-altering hormones and surgeries, all covered by insurance as “medically necessary” and potentially “life-saving” care, then maybe people would finally wake up. I certainly had.

I was prepared for failure. I wasn’t prepared for how easy success would be.

* * *

I am a 53-year-old mom from Davis, CA. My daughter began identifying as a transgender boy (social transition) and using he/him pronouns at school during 8th grade. Like several of her peers who also identified as trans at her school, my daughter was a gifted student and intellectually mature but socially immature. This shift coincided with her school’s sudden commitment to, and celebration of, a now widespread set of radical beliefs about the biology of sex and gender identity.

She “came out” as trans to her father (my ex-husband) and me through a standard coming-out letter, expressing her wish to start puberty blockers. She said she knew they were safe, citing information she had read from Planned Parenthood and the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH). To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was also confused because this announcement was sudden and unexpected. While others quickly accepted and affirmed my daughter’s new identity, I was apprehensive and felt the need to learn more about what was going on.

Events began escalating quickly.

During a routine doctor’s visit scheduled for dizziness my daughter said that she was experiencing, the Kaiser pediatrician overheard her father using “he/him” pronouns for our daughter. The pediatrician seemed thrilled, quickly asking my daughter about her “preferred pronouns” and updating her medical records to denote that my daughter was now, in fact, my son. The pediatrician then recommended we consult the Kaiser Permanente Oakland Proud pediatric gender clinic, where she could get further information and (gender affirming) “treatment.” Now I was the one feeling dizzy.

As I began educating myself on this issue, I discovered that this phenomenon—minors, most often teen girls, suddenly adopting trans identities—was becoming increasingly widespread. It even had a name: rapid onset gender dysphoria, or ROGD. Thankfully, after learning about the potential side-effects of blockers and hormones, my ex-husband and I managed to agree not to consent to any medical interventions for our daughter until she turned 18 and would then be able to make such decisions as an adult.

Over the past five years, my daughter’s identity has slowly evolved in ways that I see as positive. Our bond, however, has become strained, particularly since I began publicly voicing my concerns about what many term as “gender ideology.” Following my daughter’s 17th birthday family celebration, she sent me an email that evening stating she would be cutting off contact with me.

While this estrangement brought me sorrow, with my daughter living full-time with her father, it also gave me the space to be an advocate/activist in pushing back on gender identity ideology in the schools and the medical industry.

I decided to go undercover as a nonbinary patient to show my daughter what danger she might be putting herself in—by people who purport to have her health as their interest, but whose main interest is in medically “affirming” (i.e., transitioning) whoever walks through their door. I am at heart a mother protecting her child.

* * *

My daughter’s sudden decision to become a boy was heavily on my mind in early September of 2022, when mail from my Kaiser Permanente Davis Ob-Gyn reminded me of a routine cervical screening with “Recommended for people with a cervix ages 21 to 65.” I was told that the wording was chosen to be “inclusive” of transgender and “gender fluid” patients.

Throughout the whole 231-day process of my feigned gender transition, the Kaiser gender specialists were eager to serve me and give me what I wanted, which would all be covered by insurance as “medically necessary.” My emails were returned quickly, my appointments scheduled efficiently, and I never fell through the cracks. I was helped along every step of the way.

Despite gender activists and clinicians constantly claiming that obtaining hormones and surgeries is a long and complex process with plenty of safety checks in place, I was in full control at every checkpoint. I was able to self-diagnose, determine how strong a dose of testosterone I received and which surgeries I wanted to pursue, no matter how extreme and no matter how many glaring red flags I purposefully dropped. The medical workers I met repeatedly reminded me that they were not there to act as “gatekeepers.”

I was able to instantly change my medical records to reflect my new gender identity and pronouns. Despite never being diagnosed with gender dysphoria, I was able to obtain a prescription for testosterone and approval for a “gender-affirming” double mastectomy from my doctor. It took only three more months (90 days) to be approved for surgery to remove my uterus and have a fake penis constructed from the skin of my thigh or forearm. Therapy was never recommended.

Critics might dismiss my story as insignificant on the grounds that I am a 53-year-old woman with ample life experience who should be free to alter her body. However, this argument for adult bodily autonomy is a standard we apply to purely cosmetic procedures like breast implants, liposuction, and facelifts, not “medically necessary” and “lifesaving” treatments covered by health insurance. Or interventions that compromise health and introduce illness into an otherwise healthy body. And especially not for children.

My story, which I outline in much more detail below, should convince any half-rational person that gender medicine is not operating like any other field of medicine. Based on a radical concept of “gender identity,” this medical anomaly preys upon the body-image insecurities common among pubescent minors to bill health insurance companies for permanent cosmetic procedures that often leave their patients with permanently altered bodies, damaged endocrine systems, sexual dysfunction, and infertility.

* * *

Detailed Timeline of Events

On October 6, 2022, I responded to my Ob-Gyn’s email to tell her that, after some thought, I’d decided that maybe the label “cis woman” didn’t truly reflect who I was. After all, I did have some tomboyish tendencies. I told her I would like my records to be changed to reflect my newly realized “nonbinary” identity, and that my new pronouns were they/them. I also voiced my desire to be put in touch with an endocrinologist to discuss starting testosterone treatment.

Fifteen minutes later I received an email from another Kaiser doctor informing me that my medical records had been changed, and that once my primary doctor returned to the office, I’d be able to speak with her about hormone therapy.

I responded the following day (October 7, 2022), thanking her for changing my records, and asking if she could connect me with someone who could help me make an appointment for “top surgery” (i.e., a cosmetic double mastectomy) because my chest binder was rather “uncomfortable after long days and playing tennis.”

She told me to contact my primary care MD to “get things rolling,” and that there were likely to be “preliminary evaluations.”

Six days after contacting my primary care MD for a referral, I received an email from one of Kaiser’s gender specialists asking me to schedule a phone appointment so she could better understand my goals for surgery, so that I could get “connected to care.” This call to review my “gender affirming treatment options and services” would take 15-20 minutes, after which I would be “booked for intake,” allowing me to proceed with medical transition.

This wasn’t an evaluation of whether surgical transition was appropriate, it was simply a meeting for me to tell them what I wanted so that they could provide it.

On October 18, I had my one and only in-person appointment in preparation for top surgery. I met in Davis with my primary care physician, Dr. Hong-wen Xue. The assessment was a 10-minute routine physical exam that included blood tests. Everything came back normal. Notably, there was not a single question about why I wanted top surgery or cross-sex hormones. Nor was there any discussion of the risks involved with these medical treatments.

The following week, on October 24, I had a phone appointment with Rachaell Wood, MFT, a gender specialist with Kaiser Sacramento. The call lasted 15 minutes and consisted of standard questions about potential drug use, domestic violence, guns in the house, and whether I experienced any suicidal thoughts. There were no questions from the gender specialist about my reasons for requesting a mastectomy or cross-sex hormones, or why I suddenly, at 52, decided I was “nonbinary.”

After the call, Kaiser emailed me instructions about how to prepare for my pre-surgery intake video appointment to evaluate my mental health, scheduled to take place on November 15. The email stated that prior to my appointment, I should research hormone risks on the WPATH website, and to “research bilateral mastectomy and chest reconstruction surgery risks and recovery” on Kaiser’s website.

I decided to request a “gender-affirming” double mastectomy and phalloplasty. Kaiser sent me a sample timeline for gender transition surgery preparation (see below) that you can use as a reference for the process. I also asked for a prescription for cross-sex hormones (testosterone) as needed and recommended by Kaiser.

[ Source: Kaiser Permanente, Top Surgery - EXPLORING YOUR SURGICAL OPTIONS ]

Pre-Surgery Mental Health Video Appointment, Part I

This “Mental Health Visit” assessment was conducted over Zoom. The Kaiser gender specialist started with questions addressing my marital status, race, gender identity, and other demographics. She asked whether I was “thinking of any other surgeries, treatments in the future.” The list she read included “gender-affirming” hysterectomies, bottom surgeries such as metoidioplasty and phalloplasty, vocal coaching, support groups, and body contouring. “Anything else you might be interested in doing?” she asked. I said that I’d perhaps be interested in body contouring. I was also assured that all the procedures would be covered by insurance because they were considered “medically necessary.”

I dropped in several red flags regarding my mental health to see the reaction, but all were ignored. For instance, I revealed that I had PTSD. When the therapist asked me about whether I had experienced any “childhood trauma,” I explained that I grew up in Mexico City and had been groped several times and had also witnessed men masturbating in public and had been grabbed by men in subways and buses. “I was a young girl, so [I had] lots of experiences of sexual harassments, sexual assault, just the kind of stuff that happens when you are a girl growing up in a big city.” “So, you know,” I finished, “just the general feeling that you are unsafe, you know, in a female body.”

The therapist did not respond to my disclosure that trauma could be the cause of my dysphoria. Instead of viewing this trauma as potentially driving my desire to escape my female body through hormones and surgery, she asked whether there is anything “important that the surgery team should be aware of” regarding my “history of trauma,” such as whether I’d be comfortable with the surgeon examining and marking my chest prior to surgery.

When asked about whether I had had any “psychotic symptoms,” I told her that while I had had no such symptoms, my mother had a delusional nervous breakdown in her 50s because she had body dysmorphia and became convinced she had a growth on her neck that needed to be removed. I told her that my mother was then admitted to an inpatient hospital for severe depression. I asked her whether she ever sees patients with body dysmorphia and whether I could have potentially inherited that from my mother. She told me that psychosis was hereditary, but that it was “highly unlikely” that there was any connection between body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria.

I enthusiastically waved more mental health red flags, waiting to see if she would pick up on any of them.

I’m just wondering if my feelings, or perseverating, or feeling like these breasts make me really unhappy and I just don’t want them anymore!...I’m just not sure if that’s a similar feeling to body dysmorphia? How do you decide which one is gender dysphoria and general body dysmorphia, and just not liking something about your body? Feeling uncomfortable with your body? And I did have an eating disorder all through college. I was a distance runner in college so I had bulimia and anorexia, you know. So I don’t know if that’s related to gender dysphoria?

The therapist replied, “I completely appreciate your concerns, but I am going to ask you questions about your chest, about your expectations. And then I’ll be able to give you an assessment.” She also said the main difference between my mom’s situation and mine was that my mom didn’t really have a growth on her neck, whereas it’s “confirmed” that I actually have “chest tissue.” Furthermore, she said that while “historically there has been all this pressure on patients to be like ‘Are you really, really sure you want hormones? Are you 100% sure?’ We are a little more relaxed.” She continued, “As long as you are aware of the risks and the side-effects, you can put your toe in the water. You can stop ‘T’ [testosterone], you can go back and do it again later! You can stop it! You can stop it! You know what I mean?”

Because we ran out of time, I scheduled a follow-up phone meeting on December 27, 2022 with a different gender specialist to complete my mental health assessment for top surgery.

Pre-Surgery Mental Health Video Appointment, Part II

During this meeting, Guneet Kaur, LCSW, another Kaiser gender specialist (she/her/they/them pronouns) told me that she regretted the “gatekeeping vibe” of the meeting but assured me that since I have been “doing the work,” her questions are essentially just a form of “emotional support” before talking with the medical providers.

She asked me about what I’d been “looking into as far as hormones.” I told her that I’d be interested in taking small doses of testosterone to counterbalance my female feelings to achieve “a feeling that’s kind of neutral.”

When she asked me about me “not feeling like I match on the outside what I feel on the inside,” I dropped more red flags, mentioning my aversion to wearing dresses and skirts.

I don’t own a single dress or a skirt and haven't in 20 years. I think for me it’s been just dressing the way that’s comfortable for me, which is just wearing, jeans and sweatshirts and I have a lot of flannel shirts and, and I wear boots all the time instead of other kinds of shoes. So I think it’s been nice being able to dress, especially because I work from home now most of the time that just a feeling of clothing being one of the ways that I can feel more non-binary in my everyday life.

She responded, “Like having control over what you wear and yeah. Kind of that feeling of just, yeah, this is who I am today. That’s awesome. Yeah.”

She then asked me to describe my dysphoria, and I told her that I didn’t like the “feeling of the female form and being chesty,” and that because I am going through menopause, I wanted to start taking testosterone to avoid “that feeling of being like this apple-shaped older woman.” “Good. Okay, great,” she responded, reminding me that only “top surgery,” not testosterone, would be able to solve my chest dysphoria. (Perhaps it was because all these meetings were online, they didn’t notice I’m actually fit and relatively slender at 5’-5” and 130 pounds, and not apple-shaped at all.)

She told me that we had to get through a few more questions related to my medical history before “we can move on to the fun stuff, which is testosterone and top surgery.”

The “fun stuff” consisted of a discussion about the physical and mood changes I could expect, and her asking me about the dose of testosterone I wanted to take and the kind of “top surgery” technique I’d prefer to achieve my “chest goals.” She told me that all or most of my consultations for surgeries and hormones would be virtual.

The gender specialist told me after the appointment, she would submit my referral to the Multi-Specialty Transitions Clinic (MST) team that oversees “gender expansive care.” They would follow up to schedule a “nursing call” with me to review my medical history, after which they’d schedule my appointment with a surgeon for a consultation. Her instructions for this consultation were to “tell them what you’re wanting for surgery and then they share with you their game plan.”

[ Decision-making slide to help me identify my goals for top surgery–flat chest, nipple sensation, or minimal scarring. Source: Kaiser Permanente, Top Surgery - EXPLORING YOUR SURGICAL OPTIONS ]

She told me that Kaiser has a team of plastic surgeons who “only work with trans and nonbinary patients because there’s just so much need for them.” She asked about my priorities for chest surgery, such as whether I value flatness over nipple sensation. I learned about double incision top surgery with nipple grafts, as well as “keyhole,” “donut,” “buttonhole,” and “Inverted-T” top surgeries.

By the end of the hour-long appointment, I had my surgery referral and was ready for my “nursing call” appointment.

Nursing call with Nurse Coordinator from the Transgender Surgery and Gender Pathways Clinic at Kaiser San Francisco

On January 19, 2023, I had my nursing call with the Nurse Coordinator. He first said that “the purpose of this call is just for us to go through your chart together and make sure everything’s as accurate as possible.” Once that was done, my referral would be sent to the surgeon for a consultation.

He asked me about potential allergies and recreational drug use, and verified that I was up to date on mammograms, pap smears, and colon cancer screenings, as well as vaccines for flu and COVID. I verified my surgical history as well as my current medications and dietary supplements.

He told me about a “top surgery class” available for patients where one of the Kaiser surgeons “presents and talks about surgical techniques and options within top surgery,” and includes a panel of patients who have had top surgery. I signed up for the February 8th class.

Within 10 minutes he told me that he had “sent a referral to the plastic surgery department at Kaiser Sacramento,” and that I should be hearing from them in the next week or two to schedule a consultation.

Appointment for Testosterone

On January 27, I had a 13-minute online appointment with a primary care doctor at Kaiser Davis to discuss testosterone. The doctor verified my name and preferred pronouns, and then directly asked: “So, what would you like to do? What kind of physical things are you looking for?”

I told her I wanted facial hair, a more muscular and less “curvy” physique, and to feel stronger and androgynous. She asked me when I wanted to start, and I told her in the next few months. She asked me if I was menopausal, whether I had ovaries and a uterus, although that information should have been on my chart.

The doctor said she wanted me to come in to get some labs so she could check my current estrogen, testosterone, and hemoglobin levels before starting hormones. Then “we'll set the ball in motion and you'll be going. We’ll see you full steam ahead in the direction you wanna go.”

That was it. I made an appointment and had my lab tests done on February 12. My labs came back on February 14, and the following day, after paying a $5 copay at the Kaiser pharmacy, I picked up my testosterone pump. That was easy!

Top Surgery Consultation

On the same day I received my labs, I had a Zoom surgery consultation with Karly Autumn-Kaplan, MD, Kaiser Sacramento plastic surgeon. This consultation was all about discussing my “goals” for surgery, not about whether surgery was needed or appropriate.

I told the surgeon that I wanted a “flatter, more androgynous appearance.” She asked me some questions to get a better idea of what that meant for me. She said that some patients want a “male chest,” but that others “want to look like nothing, like just straight up and down, sometimes not even nipples.” Others still wanted their chest to appear slightly feminine and only “slightly rounded.” I told her that I’d like my chest to have a “male appearance.”

“What are your thoughts about keeping your nipples?” she asked. “Are you interested in having nipples or would you like them removed?” I told her that I’d like to keep my nipples, but to make them “smaller in size.” She asked me if I’d like them moved to “the edge of the peck muscle” to achieve “a more male appearance.” I said yes.

I was asked to show my bare chest from the front and side, which I did. Then she asked me how important it was for me to keep my nipple sensation. I replied that it was important unless it would make recovery more difficult or there were other associated risks. She highlighted the problem with the free nipple graft, saying that removing the nipple to relocate it means “you're not gonna have sensation in that nipple and areola anymore.” However, some nipple sensation could be preserved by keeping it attached to “a little stalk of tissue” with “real nerves going to it,” but that would require leaving more tissue behind. I told her I’d go for the free nipple graft to achieve a flatter appearance. It was also suggested I could skip nipple reconstruction entirely and just get nipples “tattooed” directly onto my chest.

She told me I was “a good candidate for surgery,” and put me on the surgery wait list. She said that the wait time was between three and five months, but a cancellation could move me up to a sooner date. Also, if I wanted surgery as soon as possible, I could tell the surgery scheduler that I’d be willing to have any of the other three surgeons perform my mastectomy. Outpatient top surgery would cost me a copay of $100.

They contacted twice, in February and March, notifying me of cancellations. If I had accepted and shown up on those dates, they would have removed my breasts. This would have been less than five months from the time I first contacted Kaiser to inform them of my new “nonbinary” gender identity.

How Far Can I Go?

I decided to see how easy it would be for me to get approved for a phalloplasty. Known euphemistically as “bottom surgery,” phalloplasty is the surgical creation of an artificial penis, generally using tissue from the thigh or arm.

I sent an email on March 1, 2023, requesting to have a phalloplasty and concurrent hysterectomy scheduled alongside my mastectomy.

Two weeks later, on March 16th, I had a 16-minute phone call with a gender specialist to discuss my goals for bottom surgery and obtain my referral.

During the call, I explained to the specialist that I wasn’t sure about taking testosterone anymore because I was already quite athletic and muscular, and that taking testosterone didn’t make much sense to me. Instead, I wanted bottom surgery so that I wouldn’t feel like my “top” didn’t match my “bottom.” I told her:

But what I really wanted was to have bottom surgery. So this way when I have my top surgery, which sounds like it could be very soon, that I’ll be aligned, that I won’t have this sense of dysphoria with one part of my body and the other part feeling like it matched who I am. So yeah. So I just did a little bit more research into that. And I looked at the resources on the Kaiser page for the MST clinic and I think I know what I want, which is the hysterectomy and then at the same time or soon after to be able to have a phalloplasty.

I told her that I wanted to schedule the top and bottom surgery concurrently so that I wouldn’t have to take more time off work and it would save me trips to San Francisco or Oakland, or wherever I had to go for surgery.

None of this gave the gender specialist pause. After a brief conversation about some online resources to look over, she told me that she would “submit the referral now and we’ll get this ball rolling.”

Bottom surgery would cost me a copay of $200, which included a couple of days in the hospital for recovery.

Phalloplasty Surgical Consultation with Nurse Coordinator

On May 16, 2023, I had a short surgical consultation with a nurse coordinator to go through my medical history. This was similar to the consultation for top surgery but included information about hair removal procedures for the skin on my “donor site” that would be fashioned into a makeshift penis. They also went over the procedures for determining which donor site—forearm or thigh—was more viable.

After only 15 minutes, she submitted my referral to the surgeon for another surgical consultation.

On May 25 I received an email from my phalloplasty surgeon’s scheduler, informing me that they have received my referral and are actively working on scheduling, but that they are experiencing delays.

I ended my investigation here once I had the referral for the top and bottom surgery. I never used my testosterone pump.

Final Thoughts

In fewer than 300 days, based on a set of superficial and shifting thoughts about my gender and my “embodiment goals” triggered by the mere mention of “gender” in a form letter from my primary care physician, and driven by what could only be described as minor discomforts, Kaiser Permanente’s esteemed “multi-disciplinary team” of “gender specialists” was willing, with enthusiasm—while ignoring mental health concerns, history of sexual trauma, and rapidly escalating surgical requests—to prescribe life-altering medications and perform surgeries to remove my breasts, uterus, and vagina, close my vaginal opening, and attempt a complex surgery with high failure and complication rates to create a functionless representation of a penis that destroys the integrity of my arm or thigh in the process.

This describes the supposedly meticulous, lengthy, and safety-focused process that a Kaiser patient must undergo to embark on a journey to medically alter their body. No clinician questioned my motivations. No one showed concern that I might be addressing a mental health issue through radical and irreversible interventions that wouldn’t address my amorphous problems. There were no discussions about how these treatments would impact my long-term health, romantic relationships, family, or sex life. I charted the course. The clinicians followed my lead without question. The guiding issue was what I wanted to look like.

No other medical field operates with this level of carelessness and disregard for patient health and welfare. No other medical field addresses issues of self-perception with surgery and labels it “medically necessary.” No other medical field is this disconnected from the reality of the patients it serves.

Kaiser has traded medicine for ideology. It’s far beyond time we stop the ruse of considering “gender-affirming” interventions as anything approaching medical care.

This isn’t the first time Kaiser Permanente has been in the news for completely disregarding medical safeguards in the name of “gender-affirming care.” As girls, Chloe Cole and Layla Jane became convinced that they were born in the wrong body and were actually boys on the inside. Doctors at Kaiser ignored their underlying conditions and instead prescribed testosterone and removed their breasts. Both Cole and Jane have since detransitioned and are currently suing Kaiser.

The fact that children and vulnerable adults are being exploited in this massive ideological experiment is not just tragic; it’s deeply disturbing, especially considering it has evolved into a billion-dollar industry.

I hope that by sharing my story, I can bring more focused scrutiny to the medical scandal unfolding not just at Kaiser but also at medical centers and hospitals across the Western world. These institutions have completely abandoned medical safeguards for patients who claim to be confused about their “gender,” and I aim to awaken more parents and assist them in protecting their children.

--

==

This is completely insane.

Apologists online are running around saying, but she didn't mean it, she was lying, she was pretending...

It doesn't matter.

Any kind of security, penetration or integrity test is insincere too. When security researchers compromise Microsoft's operating system or Google's browser or whatever, "but they didn't mean it" is not a defence to a discovered security flaw. It doesn't matter that the security researchers didn't plan to steal data or money or identities. The flaw in the system is there regardless.

It doesn't matter that it was insincere. Because the workers didn't know that. They never checked, never asked questions, never tested. They had been taught and instructed to never ask any questions. They did what they were supposed to. And the system failed spectacularly. Because that's what "gender affirming care" means.

Additionally, the claim that Beth Bourne committed fraud is an outright lie. A patient cannot bill. They do not have the authority. The medical clinic is the only one that can bill, and they must supply a diagnosis and a medical necessity.

If they didn't diagnose her and just wrote down what she said, then they committed fraud. If they claim they did diagnose her, then they committed fraud, because the diagnosis they concocted was bogus. This, by the way, is actually going on. Clinics are reporting fake endocrine and other disorders to get blockers, hormones and other interventions. Jamie Reed and other whistleblowers have documented evidence of this. Beth Bourne is not responsible for what the clinic does. They have medical licenses and legal responsibility. Not her.

Additionally, anyone who actually read the article would know how she tested the system. She said things like, "I've always been not that feminine. So, maybe I get my boobs removed." And they said, "sure." Instead of saying, "wait, why do you think that?" Framing it as her lying is itself a lie. They violated their ethical obligations. That much is incontrovertible. And it's directly the result of "gender affirming care," where clinics and clinicians rubber-stamp anything deemed "trans" based entirely on ideological, not medical, grounds.

[nana-gumi]

thinking of you g.satoru

pairings: gojo satoru x fem! reader

cw: angst / comfort, failed marriage, having delusions/hallucinations, mental illness, self harm, naoya zenin (yes he's a warning), manipulation, no curses au, businessman! gojo, arranged marriage mentioned, mentions of abuse, trash family (as usual), suggestive ending! not proofread hehe

a/n: i based this au from katy perry's 'thinking of you' you can listen while reading! also currently obsessed with this blue-eyed king :'(

everything was perfect, your marriage with gojo satoru was already perfect, but then he suddenly wanted a divorce and you couldn't do anything about it. your parents ended up forcing you to marry a man from another powerful clan, naoya zenin.

gojo satoru was too perfect for you. that was your first thought when you married the man.

even though it was an arranged marriage, gojo satoru wasn't as bad as you thought he would be.

rumors says that he was ruthless, cocky, and he thinks too high of himself, to which is true, but gojo satoru has a side that only you knew, his wife.

everything was perfect, your relationship with gojo satoru was already perfect, but why did it end up him filing divorce?

when satoru told you about the divorce, you couldn't do anything about it anymore. you couldn't even ask him about it, not when satoru never came home for a week, leaving you alone to drown in your thoughts.

what pushed him to file a divorce? where you not enough or did he found someone better than you? you hoped it's the first one because you didn't want to see satoru happy with someone that isn't you.

when satoru came back, you didn't have a choice but to sign the papers.

not once did he talk to you, or explain everything to you. he just watched you sign the paper.

satoru sat across you as he played with the pen on his hand.

"here." you muttered with a hoarse voice as you pushed the folder infront of him and satoru only stared at the paper before closing it.

he stood up, fixing his tuxedo as he took the folder in his hand and turned around. but you wouldn't let him, not when he didn't explain everything to you. you didn't want a divorce in the first place.

"satoru." you called, standing up at the chair as well as he glanced back at you. "satoru.." you called again but this time, your voice was pleading.

satoru gulped the lump in his throat as he looked back infront of him and looked down on the ground.

"i don't want this, satoru." you said as you walked close to him. "say something please, why? what happened?" at this point, you couldn't stop anymore as you spilled every question that you've been keeping for the week that he was gone. "did you- did you find someone?" you asked, looking down on the ground as if you were ashamed of your question.

"i don't need you anymore," he said, but those simple words never failed to put an ache in your chest.

"what?" you said in disbelief.

"don't make me repeat myself." he said with a sigh.

it was silent for a moment and satoru was taken aback when you pulled him by his wrist.

he watched as you place your wedding ring on his palms.

"i don't think i can keep this." you said as you look at his blue eyes, hoping that he would take back everything.

"keep it." he said as you shake your head.

"it's expensive, right?" you said as you sighed deeply. "take care, satoru. our times together, i hope some of it were genuine and real." you said before leaving his penthouse.

-

i don't need you anymore. did satoru only agree to the marriage because he needed something from you? did he finally get what he wanted? but-

satoru did love me at some point, right? at least he did. you said to yourself as you hit your head with your hand, trying to remove the negative thoughts and forcing yourself to think of the positive ones. 

you wonder what satoru wanted from you? was it really from you or your family's business?  

you pinched yourself, hoping and praying that everything was just a dream, and you'll wake up with satoru beside you, kissing you, telling you how much you mean to him, unaware of your tears coming out of your eyes.

"you had one job! the gojo clan was already in our grasp, how could you let that man file a divorce! you're such a failure." your mother said but your mind was still left in your shared home with satoru, you were still processing the whole divorce incident as you stare at the ground, his last words playing inside your head like a broken radio. 

"what are you crying for!" she said, a scoff leaving her mouth. "i knew you were useless for this job, i should've let your sister marry that vicious man." you mother muttered as she massaged her temples. 

what job was your mother even talking about? you were opposed with their objectives when you married gojo satoru. they wanted the money and power, but you just wanted to be loved, which even satoru couldn't give you. maybe you really are a failure. 

you stayed in your dark room countless nights with your mind was somewhere and your heart? gojo satoru took it with him. he took your heart, and you were left with nothing. 

"satoru.." you mumbled, caressing the cold empty spot beside you, thinking that he was there, lying beside you with that toothy grin on his face.  

you smiled as you hugged his imaginary figure. you were going insane, creating an image of him in your mind to cope up. 

you hugged him as tight as you could but, in the end, it was just you and your cold pillow. 

"this is her?" naoya zenin said as he crossed his legs. "looks like she just got out of the jungle." he said, laughing at his own words. 

your mother laughs nervously as she forced you to stand infront of her. "i told you to get dressed!" she whisper-yelled on your ear before going back from forcing a laugh. "ah yes, this my youngest daughter, she's still not in her right mind. you know, that gojo satoru ended things with her." your mother said that caught the zenin's interest. 

"oh? gojo satoru, huh?" he said a smirk making its way to his lips. "fine, i accept your proposal." 

- 

"but mama! satoru and i are married!" 

"shut up! you're sick in the head." 

"no!" you said as you pushed her, her back hitting the couch as she was forced to sit down. 

"how could you push me!" she said, gripping your forearm as you whined in pain. "i'm selling you off to the zenin's! you better do your job better this time." she said as you shake your head. 

"satoru will be sad mama..." you mumbled as tears started to gather in your eyes. your mother can only scoff, convinced that you've hit your head and gone insane. 

- 

"satoru answer please." you cried. you already called him multiple times but all were left unanswered and yet you still refused to give up. "please.." you tried and tried, until the number blocked you.  

so this is where it ends.  

a curse left your mouth as you squeezed your hair with your fingers. 

"gojo satoru wasted a gem like you." naoya zenin said as he clicked his tongue, sliding his finger on your jaw to your lips. "it's his lost, darling." he said, giving your lips a peck. it was disgusting but you couldn't do anything about it as you let him. 

naoya kissed you but all you could think of was satoru. the way naoya hugs you, satoru's hugs were the most comfortable. his words were not as sweet as satoru's. everything naoya does to you, satoru could only be the person in your mind. 

the marriage was private, only your and his relatives were around to witness.

it's been a month and you're still hoping that satoru would suddenly appear and take you away, but as more months passed by, your starting to lose hope.

-

you cupped naoya's cheeks in your hands as you leaned your forehead against his.  

"satoru." you mumbled as you smiled and then a yelp left your mouth when you were pushed. 

"that's too cruel, (name). stop calling me satoru, don't compare me with that piece of garbage." naoya said, squeezing your cheeks with his fingers. "listen, gojo dumped you, even used you! he did not see the real you, he did not realize how precious you are, and it's me! only I saw it. forget about that trash, this is not about him."  

shut up! 

"okay, i will. sorry naoya." shut up! 

"yeah? that's it, clever girl."  

- 

"satoru!" you jolted awake from a nightmare as you looked around the room. 

"it's naoya, darling." 

"oh, s-sorry! i didn't mean-" 

"shh, it's fine."  

"i'm sorry naoya.." 

"like i said, it's fine." he said as he smirked at your helpless situation. "a kiss in exchange."  

- 

"come on, say it." 

"i love you.." you gulped the lump in your throat as you tried to get up from his lap, but he stopped you before you could even move. 

"hm?" he hummed, caressing your waist with his hands. 

"n-naoya." 

"say that again." 

"i love you, naoya." 

"there we go. i love you too." 

- 

"we hate him, right? he's our enemy." naoya said as you hummed in response, but that wasn't enough for naoya. "say it." 

"gojo satoru is a piece of trash." 

"right? he is." he said as he chuckled.

- 

"why did you hurt yourself?" naoya said as he caressed the fresh scars on your wrist. "see what that man does to you? he's poisoning your mind!" naoya cooed as he wiped the tears in your cheeks. "i'm here, you don't need him." 

you didn't expect to see satoru after the divorce several months ago at a party where all clans were gathered, enemies or allies, it doesn't matter. 

"if it isn't gojo satoru." naoya greeted, a smirk forming on his lips as the blue-eyed man scowled at him. naoya eyes shifted from the woman beside gojo satoru. "such a beautiful lady, your wife, new wife perhaps?" naoya said as the woman exchanged glances with gojo. 

"we're not-" 

"naoya?" your voice cuts off the woman's and naoya couldn't be happier for your right timing. 

"ah, meet my wife." he introduced, your eyes meeting with the blue ones. naoya thought it was entertaining to watch you and his enemy. he couldn't contain his smile as he watched gojo's eyes go widen, but then naoya's eyebrows furrowed when he saw how you looked at gojo satoru. 

you felt naoya's hand tightened on your waist. 

"h-hello, it was nice to meet you." you stammered, avoiding the curious blue eyes. 

"stop bothering me." he said, and your heart couldn't hurt more as he left, your eyes meeting the worried ones of the woman that was just beside him as she followed him. 

all your hope disappeared as you watched satoru leave the venue. 

"see? he's so rude."

- 

"come on, stop crying now. everyone would think we're fighting." naoya said. 

"i'm sorry." you cried, wiping your face with a tissue. 

"gojo satoru was so rude, right? he told you to stop bothering him. poor you." he said as he rubbed your back up and down with his palm. 

"i hate him..." 

"that's right! hate him!" naoya said with a clap of his hands. "he doesn't deserve you." 

- 

"gojo that's enough." the woman, who is his friend, shoko, said.  

"another glass please." satoru said. 

"drinking wouldn't do anything!" shoko scolded, taking the glass from satoru's hand. "i shouldn't have agreed with your request, gojo. you should've asked another woman, i'm a busy person too you know?" shoko said. 

"fuck, i want to kill that bastard." 

"why did even walked out that way? she got sad, i saw it." satoru gulped the whole glass in his mouth as he slammed it on the table.

"satoru, we should carry out the plan now. this is the only chance." 

"i don't want this, satoru." you said as you walked close to him. "say something please, why? what happened? did you- did you find someone?" you asked, looking down at the ground as if you were ashamed of your question.

"i don't need you anymore," i still do, i'm sorry.

god, no one knew how much he wanted to wipe those tears in your cheek, he wanted to take everything back, but he knew he couldn't. 

satoru cursed himself as he watched you leave, clutching the ring close to his chest.

-

you were calling him continuously and satoru couldn't have the right time to answer it. his father saw it and forced him to block your number.

just like you, satoru didn't want the divorce, but his father forced him saying that your family wasn't a help to their business.

satoru doesn't give a single fuck about the business, he wanted you, not the money.

satoru couldn't stop thinking of you for the past months after the divorce.

you told him your situation in your home, how your parents abused you as a kid. you told him you don't want to go back there anymore and satoru, he promised that he wouldn't let that happen again, but who knows what is happening inside your so-called home now that you were separated.

satoru threw every thing he could reach across his room. he didn't care if some of it were glass, but then he stopped when he get a hold of a frame. it was you and him on your wedding day.

he still remembered how awkward you acted that day.

"fuck, i miss you so much.. my love. i'm sorry." he mumbled, caressing your face in the picture as a tear left his eyes.

-

"suguru, you have a house in new york, right?"

"satoru, what crazy plan are you having in your head right now." suguru joked but noticed that his best friend was being serious. "what's up?" he asked.

"i'll buy it."

"what? why?"

"i'll- we'll run away."

"are you insane?"

"if it's for my wife, i am."

"satoru-"

"suguru, you won't get involved, i promise."

"it's not about that satoru, i'm worried for you and (name)."

"satoru, we'll meet at the parking lot. remember, don't let anyone see you." shoko said.

"i owe you and suguru, shoko." satoru said as shoko rolled her eyes.

"that's what friends do right? now go, i'll get your woman."

-

"hi!" shoko said as he sit beside you. she looked around, your husband looked busy talking with other businessmen.

"hi.. you're satoru's friend right?" you said. shoko was thankful you still remembered.

"i am. do you want to get some fresh air?" shoko suggested and you were hesitant at first before coming with her.

-

"where are we going?" you asked but she ignored you as he continued to pull you with her.

"sho-" you were cut off, there he was, standing infront of you.

you looked around and shoko wasn't there anymore.

"w-what? what are you-"

"(name)." satoru called as he held your hand but you were fast to retract it.

"don't-" you said as you took a step back.

"i'm here to take you back, (name)." satoru said, trying to reach you only for you to step back again.

"no, you can't.. you can't, he'll be mad!" you said and satoru's heart ached. "he'll hurt you, satoru!"

"he can't do that, come (name), let's run away." satoru said, finally embracing you.

"satoru, it's too late." you mumbled, tears gathering in your eyes. "i'm already married.."

"let's run away." he repeated. "i'm sorry, it took me a long time to get you, i was planning everything out." he said as he cupped your cheeks, your tears stopping at his thumb.

"but you said you don't need me anymore." your voice cracked and satoru hates himself for saying that.

"i'm sorry, i didn't mean it, i swear." satoru said as he brushed your hair with his fingers.

"really?" he nods as he leaned his forehead on yours.

"i love you, and i need you. let's run away, hm?"

"satoru, they will still look for us." you said as satoru tucked you on his arms.

satoru knew that, but for now, he'll indulge in this moment with you. he used one of their private jets to fly to another country.

"then we'll run away again. i have connections."

"what if they hurt us?"

"i will protect you."

"ok, i trust you."

"what happened here?" satoru asked as he saw the scars on your wrist.

"it's nothing."

"he's hurting you, huh?"

"no. satoru let's not talk about him, please?" you said as satoru's eyes shifted from your lips.

he gave it a peck as you tried to chase it when he pulled away.

you cupped his cheeks and forced him to kiss you as he deepened it.

satoru held you by your shoulders as he cornered you on your seat.

he pulled away as he cursed. he missed this, the taste of your lips.

"did he touch you?" satoru asked and you only kept quiet.

"i thought about you.." you murmured shyly.

"is that so? did he make you feel good?"

"no, only you can!" you exclaimed as he chuckled.

"don't you think they'll let us be together once i gave you a child?"

[yestrday]

: ̗̀➛ LOVE BITES. yan! isagi yoichi / gn! reader / yan! kurona ranze

you don't know what to do but spit fire and hate at two kidnapping psychos who can't even keep their lips off each other. they could at least have the decency to not do it in front of you :/

+ waaaah idk this writing feels lazy but i love love loooove poly yanderes and i wanted to try exploring it...

( once again. how do kissing scenes work. slight bl00d. poly relationship. implied other poly relationships who are also out to getcha )

ever since their blue lock days, kurona had always been isagi’s partner-in-crime. of all the partners yoichi could have chosen, he who had came later in his life was the one who won isagi’s trust and hand. and now he and isagi conquered together– in every match, in every television appearance, and now most importantly, you.

“kurona,” isagi murmurs, his delicate yet calloused fingers running up and down your bare hips. called by his silent command, kurona leans in closer, and his lean body presses itself on your shivering back. there is a silent intimacy in the air, simply indescribable by words. alone in the shadows of their shared living space, with only the occasional sliver of moonlight whenever the curtains flutter, the three of you press your heated bodies together.

isagi casts his gaze upon him, benevolent and possessive. it’s a cross between the kind off-field isagi and the cruel maestro of the court, and kurona finds himself shuddering under his gaze. “kurona,” he calls again. “talk to [your name] for me, please?” he sends him a pleading look, obviously disappointed that none of his attempts to consoling you is working. “i think they’re still scared of me.”

“mmm, is that true, [your name]?” he nuzzles into your nape and hugs your waist. your breath hitches when you feel his fingers dig into your skin– not harsh and blood-drawing as you expected, but well, who can blame you for your paranoia? “why’re you scared of isagi? of me? hmm?” your nape is soft against his nose, and he lets out a content sight. “we’re taking good care of you, aren’t we?”

you can’t help but whimper when he finally places all his body weight on you, treating you like a mere plushie as you’re now squished between isagi and kurona. “that’s right,” isagi hums, idly playing with your hair. “whatever you want, you can ask. we’re pros now, [your name]. we can buy you anything you want.”

you bite your lip, sending a teary glare up at isagi. he smiles so kindly, just like the kind boy you once cheered on blue lock tv. you can feel kurona’s gentle touch on your stomach too, and keenly aware of how capable he is of hurting you with just one clench. “i want to go back home.”

kurona and isagi share a quiet laugh. “everything except for that, that is.” the blue-haired boy even has the gall to send you an apologetic smile. “sorry.”

“we need you here with us,” kurona whispers, as sweet as he can be. his teeth graze against your nape once again but before he pulls away he takes a nip at your skin again, with more warning than the last. “you’re our prize, our trophy, our love. all of us love each other, yeah? you love us, and we love you too. how could you handle being away from us?” he has the gall to say all of this like it’s fact, imposing their feelings on you even when your face contorts into disgust with every delusion he spouts.

“i don’t think i would wanna live without you and isagi,” kurona whispers into your skin, as if sharing a secret. isagi’s one arm slings itself around kurona, now having the two of you huddled in his arms. “i think i’d die. yeah, i’d die.” sometimes, you think that kurona might just as much of a prisoner as you are. isagi likes to play nice all the time but both of them know how cruel and manipulative he could be, and how tightly he has kurona wound around his finger. but you watch as isagi smiles endearingly at the boy, pressing a kiss on his lips. then when he pulls away, kurona lets out a low whine, isgai’s breath hitches, and he dives in again for yet another albeit messier kiss. you cringe and look away.

chuckling, isagi gently holds the back of your hair— slightly squeezing the strands as warning— and guides your vision back to them. isagi is watching you from the side of his eye, smirking as he continues with that messy and drooly kiss. kurona struggles to even open his eyes, too pleasure-struck as he leans into the kiss. “watch, [y. name]. you could learn a lesson or two,” he chuckles. “kurona’s always so good for you and me. you should see what you’re missing.”

 “i’m not missing out anything,” you sneer, though you’re only speaking to air as isagi redirects his energy into making out with kurona. “you two are sick. keeping me here and subjugating me to your every whims. you’re perverted psychos, that’s what you fucking are.” 

kurona’s eyes slant slight, looking somewhat like a kicked puppy as you spout venom at the both of them. isagi just looks more amused than anything and he finally releases kurona from his hold. the sharp-toothed holds both of your hands in his as he looks up at you pleadingly as he presses your cold palm against his cheek. “[y. name], you’re here because we want to protect you. everyone out there wants a piece of you… kaiser and ness… nagi and that millionaire. isagi just wants the best for you.” he presses a soft kiss to your palm. “for the both of us.” 

you want to refute this, that the only reason why they locked you away is so their other equally psycho competitors won’t find you and take you for themselves. but kurona’s eyes and gentle acts have a way of prodding at your heartstrings and you feel like you were falling for this stupidly effective manipulation tactic of his. so instead you sigh and look away from him, gritting your teeth with hardened eyes.

“now, now, don’t be too stubborn,” isagi laughs, pressing a kiss to your temple and nuzzling into the crook of your neck. “you’re going to be with us for a lo~ng time. might as well learn how to love it.”

you bite your lip to silence yourself and watch as kurona smiles gently at you, nestling himself right beside isagi’s head. “love you so much, both of us,” he murmurs into your skin. his sharp teeth graze the soft flesh, making you stiffen and your fingers dig into isagi’s thigh in alarm. “you’ll accept our love, won’t you?”

“of course they will, kurona,” isagi affirms, not even waiting for your response. “don’t feel too guilty.”

a silence between them happens, sharing some sort of secret message you’re not privy to. soon, kurona’s lips twitch into a smile—

and his teeth dig into your neck, blood seeping from the broken skin as you scream at the pain. warmth shoots through your neck, something trickles downwards and under your shirts, and you stare wide-eyed at the ceiling as you hear nothing but your own shallow breaths. kurona hums beside you, licking the marks in apology, and one fearful glance at him has you flinching at how he licks the blood from his lips with that ever-gentle expression.

“looks s’ pretty on you, kurona,” isagi says appreciatively, pressing down on his lower lip with his thumb and kurona opens his mouth so he can get a full view of the mess within his mouth. “must taste really good, huh? especially with the way you’re blushing.” 

he’s right, your mind manages to comprehend. his eyes are lidded as his tongue swipes at his teeth to get every drop and the blush on his pale face tells you just how much he’s enjoying this. the man’s a sick pervert. how could i fucking forget?

“don’t be so angry, [y. name].” isagi swipes a trickle of blood from your skin and presses it against kurona’s lips, who too eagerly sucks on his finger to get more of the taste. “it’s the least you could do for hurting kurona’s feelings. our feelings.” 

you don’t quite have the energy to even bite back. in defeat, you slump against isagi and close your eyes to the sound of kurona’s hungry slurps and isagi’s encouraging moans.

sick fucks.

maybe you should let yourself get kidnapped by reo. better the collar than getting bitten. probably.

[shhhsecretsideblog]

Hi, i hope you don't mind if i request to combine 2 prompts in one scenario.

8. "There's so much pressure..."

12. "Come on, you'll be fine. First labour's take ages.

Scenario: a pregnant woman got kidnapped by her obsessive ex-boyfriend, went into labor and begged him to take her to the hospital because she can't be having the baby in his basement, but he refused. Go as wild and dark as you want.

Thanks 💌

Thanks for the request anon, this was delicious to write. Only prompt no.8 has been included as the other didn’t naturally fit in to wherever the hell this story went. I swear I have no control, these stories take on a life of their own. You said go wild and dark, so… 😈 Trigger warnings; kidnapping, vomit, blood, violence, mental instability, death (not mum or bubs dw), oh and of course fpreg & birth. Hope you like it

Chained

Libby’s eyes fluttered open. It took a moment for her vision to focus but when it did she realised nothing was familiar. The room was dimly lit, no natural light source, only a singular light bulb hanging from the ceiling. Dark grey bricks formed each of the four walls and the floor below was concrete and rough. She was lying down, on old discoloured bedding on a rickety metal bed. Where the hell was she?! She tried to push herself upright, but she discovered one arm could not be moved. It was handcuffed to the bed!

“What the hell…” Libby muttered.

“Ah… you’re awake.” Came a voice from the shadows.

Stepping into the light Libby saw a man walk towards her. It was Scott, her ex boyfriend. He looked awful. She’d not seen him since they broke up 18 months ago. His hair had grown, now matted and unkept, dark circles hung beneath his eyes and his usually clean shaven chin now sported a severe and dishelved five o’clock shadow.

“…Scott? Where… where am I?” She asked confused and still a little bit groggy.

“You’re at home darling. I rescued you.”

Libby’s brain whirled into overdrive. She remembered going to a midwife appointment, it was her final check up before her due date, she finished the appointment and headed back to her car. She had stopped just before opening the door, hearing something behind her, and then��. everything went black.

“Rescued me?! From what?” Libby asked, managing to push herself to a sitting position with her one free hand.

“From making a mistake. Did you really think you could keep me away from my baby?” Scott drawled, his eyes staring hungrily at her pregnant stomach.

“What the fuck are you talking about? We broke up, I moved on. This isn’t your baby!”

Libby’s outburst was rewarded by a forceful smack across the face. The distinctive metallic taste of blood soon filled her mouth. She was shocked into silence.

“We were great together! We were happy; we were going to get married, have a family, and then… Brendon came along. Poisoning our relationship, turning you against me, stealing you for himself. No! I won’t let him take this away. I’ve brought you home baby… so we can be together.” Scott’s hand touched her bump and his eyes widened in glee. “Where we can be a family.”

This man was insane, Libby thought, realising the true danger of this situation. It was one thing having an ex that still held a candle towards you, but this was way beyond that. She knew Scott hadn’t taken the break up well, but since the split he’d clearly disappeared into a realm of utter delusion. The baby in her womb shifted, feeling the fear of its mother. Scott’s mouth twitched into an uncomfortable grin, feeling the child move. Libby daren’t say anything, it was clear he was unstable and there was no telling what might set him off.

“Rest up sweetie. I’ll get you some food, you must be hungry. Eating for two and all that.” Scott said cheerfully, removing his hand from her stomach and disappearing upstairs.

Libby looked down at her stomach and her handcuffed wrist. She didn’t feel hungry at all. Only nauseous.

~•~

Scott returned and brought her food. Libby didn’t say anything, didn’t move, too scared of accidentally provoking him. He left the tray of sandwiches and crisps on the side table next to the bed and disappeared upstairs, offering a firm “Eat” before he went.

Her memories had returned as she gradually came around from whatever drug Scott had administered. Brendon and Libby had decided to have a little trip away this weekend before the baby came. A baby-moon as they say. They’d told all their friends and family they’d be out of town and without signal for a few days, but this morning Brendon called to say he had a work emergency and they’d have to cancel. That was fine, Libby would just go visit her parents instead. Only she never got a chance to call her parents after the midwife appointment. Everyone thought her and Brendon were away, and Brendon thought she was at her parents - no one would realise she’d been kidnapped.

Her stomach rolled with fear. She needed to think, find a way out of here. Wherever “here” was…. Where the fuck had Scott taken her? She didn’t recognise the room, it could be anywhere. She looked over at the plate of food and her heart sank. She recognised the crockery - this was his family’s cabin, in the middle of the woods.

~•~

Days. She’d been there days. Her family and Brendon would hopefully know she was missing by now. But they’d never find her here.

Scott continued to visit, to bring her food, to talk the baby in her womb. He’d offered to bathe her once, disgusted by the thought she refused. When he tried to get more forceful, hitting her again, she faked practice labour pains and he thankfully left her alone to rest.

She barely spoke to him anymore, too fearful to say the wrong thing again, of which she had learnt the hard way. She tried once to play along with his delusion, that he had “rescued” her from Brendon and now they could be a family. Believing her, Scott eventually unlocked the handcuffs, but when she made a break for it towards the stairs of the basement Scott went ballistic. They got into a fight; she kicked and screamed and hit, but he was stronger and in the carnage she fell forward against the wooden stairs she was trying to climb.

Scott was stricter with the handcuffs after that. Libby swore to herself not to try it again for fear of what might happen to the baby if she fell again.

She had been feeling cramps ever since the fall. They weren’t too bad or debilitating, thankfully she wasn’t bleeding which Libby hoped was a good sign and that her baby was okay. The fall was a brutal reminder of the precious cargo she was carrying and she had to be careful.

The next night Libby was awoken by a forceful cramp rolling through her middle, much worse than any of the others she had felt. Curling round her stomach she breathed heavily through the wave until it passed, and she promptly fell back asleep.

It happened again shortly after, pulling her from her slumber and waking every cell of her body as it peaked, like a coil twisting tighter and tighter. She pushed herself up to sit on the bed. The room was pitch black - Scott controlled the lights and was the only way she knew if it was day or night. She rubbed the aching cramp rolling across her tightened belly with one hand, the other remaining chained to the bedpost. She wished she could move, to walk it off, but with the handcuffs and the darkness she had little options. Instead she got on her hands and knees and rocked steadily through the pain.

“Please be practice contractions…” she whispered to herself. “You can’t come now baby, you’re safe in there. Wait until we get outta here okay?”

The cramp eventually eased and after a few minutes waiting for the next, Libby let herself sink sideways back onto the bed. The baby had got the message, it was just practice pains, she thought to herself as she drifted back off to sleep.

~•~

The light to the basement flickered to life followed by the familiar stomping of feet on wooden steps.

“Morning sweetheart. How’s the mother of my child today?” Scott said in such a cheerful caring tone it caused a shiver to roll up Libby’s spine.

She glared at him from the bed, lying down under the covers half asleep and curled around her bump.

“Still not talking to me eh? Oh well. It won’t be long before I have a son or daughter to talk to.” Scott drawled, as he placed a cup of water and slice of toast onto the bedside table.

Another cramp squeezed her belly and Libby sucked in a breath, hissing through her teeth. She could feel her stomach hardening beneath her fingers as the practice contraction squeezed.

“Honey, are you alright?” Scott’s eyes pinched in cautious concern.

“Just a kick.” Libby said, schooling her face back to a neutral expression.

“Excited to meet their daddy no doubt.” He gleefully said making Libby feel sick.

This baby is NOT yours! She cried in her head.

“Get up and have some breakfast. I’ve got some things to show you today.” Scott said, offering a hand to help her up.

Libby ignored his hand and pushed herself upright. “What things?”

“All in good time my dear. It’s a surprise.” And with that he disappeared back upstairs with a gallop.

She could hear banging and thumping above her and wondered what on earth he was doing. Her stomach growled and she reluctantly nibbled on the toast that was provided. After eating she was left solely with her thoughts and the noises from upstairs. Plus the occasional cramps that continued to plague her. Sitting down became too frustrating and she managed to get herself to standing right beside the bed. Her arm was pulled uncomfortably far forward by the handcuffs, but at least it relieved the pressure in her hips.

The baby felt so low, like it was grinding on her pelvis. But she did feel like her breathing was better now. Libby tried to focus only on the positives and did not dwell enough to realise this meant the baby had dropped into position for birth.

She stayed standing as long as she could beside the bed, riding out the braxton hicks and swaying her hips side to side, but eventually her legs ached from the awkward position so she return to sit on the bed.

The practice contractions continued to wash over her whilst Scott was banging away upstairs. Libby was starting to get hot and sweaty and could barely sit still through them. She found herself biting her lips and humming through them, trying to keep the noise to a minimum. She didn’t want to attract Scott’s attention. She ended up back on all fours on the bed, one hand awkwardly attached to the bed while she rocked forwards and back through the rising waves. It was getting harder and harder to stay silent through these pains and it was getting more and more difficult to convince herself these were only practice contractions.

“Ohhhh… we had a deal baby. You have to s-stay in there…. It’s not s-safe…” Libby moaned quietly to her child, the pressure in her hips mounting with every contraction.

The sounds of movement from above made her panic. Scott was coming. Quickly, she moved from all fours and returned to her sitting position on the bed. Sitting down made everything worse - the heavily feeling of the baby so so low caused the pressure to spike. So much so she nearly threw up, gaging slightly at the same time Scott opened the basement door.

She could hear him huffing and puffing as he stomped every step, he was clearly struggling with something, and she saw the “surprise” before she saw him. It was a crib! Oh hell no, she thought to herself. There is no way my baby is being born here and it will never go in that thing.

“Darling…” he cooed as he got down to the basement “I got you something. Well, I got our baby something - a crib!” He said proudly as he placed it at the foot of the bed.

Libby didn’t say anything; saying something negative could earn her a slap, saying something positive he’d think she was up to something.

“Well?” He asked, clearly getting frustrated with her silence.

“It’s… nice.” She said timidly, he didn’t seem any calmer so she added “thank you.”

With that Scott broke into an unhinged smile. “Only the best for my baby. Made it myself!”

Libby felt the familiar tightening of another contraction approaching. Breathing steadily through her nose, she tried to keep any pain showing on her face.

“What do you think of the design?” He urged, unaware of the struggle happening inside Libby’s womb.

“Great.” She gritted out as calmly as she could.

“Oh, I almost forgot.” Scott rushed upstairs leaving Libby alone for a minute.

The second he was out of sight her eyes scrunched and she panted erratically. Her hips were on fire, the baby sinking lower and lower. This was no false alarm, Libby finally admitted to herself.

Scott came bounding downstairs with a pile of baby clothes and blankets. “I also got these. I wasn’t sure if we were having a boy or a girl so got a selection of different clothes. And lots of blankets and toys. Everything we could possibly need.”

Libby couldn’t help it but she groaned loudly and curled over her contracting stomach.

“They’re not that bad!” Scott said, referring to the pile of clothes he’d now dumped into the crib.

“Ooooooh Scott….” Libby whimpered, the pain still barrelling through her body.

“Lib? What is it? What’s wrong?” He crouched down in front of her and placed a hand on her knee.

“I think… hooooo- I think I’m in labour. You have to take me to the hospital.” Libby pleaded.

“What? Oh no, you’re not fooling me again.” Scott recoiled away from her, and started pacing. “You- you tried that before remember. And then you tried to run away, to take my baby away! You were going to leave me Lib! No!! I’m not letting you out of my sight again. No way. No one else can have you. You and that baby are mine!”

“Scott… please. I’m having contractions… I need help… I need doctors…”

“No… I can’t. You’re just going to leave me again. I can’t lose you.” Scott shook his head, like he was trying to reorganise the thoughts inside. “You’re just pretending again, you’re not really having the baby, you’re just trying to escape. Well you can’t trick me twice. Nuh-uh. I’ll come back when you’ve stopped the act.”

“No! Scott!” Libby cried but the door slammed before she could say anything else.

~•~

Libby shouted and pleaded for 10 minutes straight after Scott went upstairs, but he never came back down. She stopped when her voice started to crack and when she thought she heard the front door slam.

This baby was coming and she was trapped - handcuffed to a bed in a basement in the middle of nowhere, the only person for miles was her crazy ex boyfriend who was convinced the baby was his.

Despite her wishful thinking, the contractions just kept on coming. It was as if accepting they were real had made them more frequent and stronger. There was no clock down here, she had no clue how often they struck, but Libby was aware of the gaps in between getting shorter.

Being in labour was bad enough but the fact she couldn’t move due to her restraints made everything a thousand time’s worse. In desperation she tried to squeeze her hand out the metal handcuff, twisting and pulling, but when it started to peel the skin off the back of her hand she screamed and gave up.

She couldn’t sit down anymore, the pain in her hips too great. All fours was bearable but her arms ached after too long. She tried squatting and kneeling against the headboard, standing and swaying beside the bed. Nothing helped. She felt like a caged animal; frustrated, angry, scared. All the while every contraction brought the baby closer and closer to being born, a fate she was trying desperately to avoid. She feared something might go wrong, and she was scared what would happen the moments after she delivered. Scott was clearly unstable, would he leave her here chained to the bed bleeding out and take away her baby?! She needed medical help, not only for the birth but for her best shot at escaping.

When Scott returned he found her on her knees beside the bed, slumped over the mattress and groaning heavily.

“You can stop this charade Libby! I’m not taking you anywhere!” Scott shouted from the steps of the basement.

“Mnnnghhh! It’s not a charade Scott! Oh god…. So much pressure….” Libby whimpered into the mattress, her knees widening instinctually.

“Come off it. You put on a good show but I know you’re faking it.”

Libby could only grunt, roaring against the building pressure between her thighs. An unmistakable splashing sound hit the concrete floor and she cried out. “My waters…. Hooo- I’m not - faking - it…” she panted and turned around to face him.

Scott’s face had paled and his eyebrows shot up. “Y-you really are in labour?”

“Yes,” Libby breathed, turning around awkwardly with the handcuffs and her large bump, sitting down heavily on the now-wet floor “please please take me to the hospital now.”

He didn’t say anything, instead he disappeared quickly back upstairs.

“Scott!!!” She cried out, worried he would just leave her there forever.

He returned a moment later carrying a plastic box. “It’s happening! Don’t worry darling, I have everything we need for our baby to be born.”

It’s not your baby!!!! Libby shouted in her head.

Sitting on the floor, one arm slung up over a shoulder stuck in the handcuffs, she rubbed her low and heavy stomach with the other as Scott began to unpack the box onto the table opposite.

“Towels. Gloves. Scissors. Clamps. Ooh more towels. Little sucker thing. Wow it’s got everything we need in here. Great Amazon find.” Scott commented as he rattled off everything inside the box.

Holy shit! He wants to deliver the baby here! Libby stopped breathing for a moment, panic squeezing at her heart. He was never going to let her go. She was never going to get her baby out of here before it was born.

“Scott… you can’t… be serious…” Libby said with strained breath.

“Shhhhh. It’s okay sweetie. I’ve done all the research, watched loads of videos. I know exactly what I’m doing and I will deliver our baby here.”

“But Scott I need a hospital, with nurses and medication.”

“No you don’t. Women birth babies every day. I’ve had months to prepare for this. It’s going to be fine, it’s going to be perfect.” Scott’s sinister smile chilled her resolve and another contraction struck before she could continue arguing.

He checked his watched and frowned. “You shouldn’t be having another contraction just yet.”

“I can’t hooooo control it!” Libby snipped.

“Oooo is this the part where you get all angry at me for doing this to you?” Scott joked with glee.

“You didn’t do this to me! This isn’t your baby Scott, please just let me go.”

“Don’t lie!!!!!” Scott shouted, an angry fire flashed briefly in his eyes and his fists clenched tight, but a second later the ire quickly disappeared. “You’re just scared, but it’s okay sweetie, I’m here and our baby will be fine.”

“Ohhh god…..” Libby grunted, the baby slipping lower and pressing against her cervix. She had to move, this position was unbearable, but her legs were useless during the raging contraction. She tried to push herself up, yanking her hands forward but the handcuff rattled and left her arm twisted backwards. “Mnnhhh- handcuffs…. Please undo the handcuffs…”

“You know I can’t do that Lib.” Scott said reluctantly.

“Please…. Mnghhhhh the baby…. I need to move. Can’t stay like this Scott…” Libby groaned and whimpered as the contraction peaked and gradually faded.

“I’m sorry honey, I can’t risk it. But let’s get you back onto the bed shall we, you’ll be much more comfortable there.”

The contraction had left her winded, Libby didn’t have the strength to argue anymore. But when Scott approached and went to help her up she managed to grit “Don’t touch me!” batting his advancing hands away.

“That’s gonna be difficult when I’m delivering our child.” Scott sarcastically replied.

Libby’s stomach rolled, not from a contraction but at the disgusting thought of Scott between her legs. Nausea bubbled inside, rising up her throat. She retched. “I think I’m gonna be sick…”

Scott jumped back as she dry heaved. “Erm…. I’ll get a bucket. Hang on.”

Libby struggled up to her knees, clinging sideways to the bed, and vomited all over the floor. The force of her stomach expelling its contents pushed the baby against her dilating cervix and towards the birth canal. She couldn’t stop herself from bearing down at the same time.

No no no… don’t push. Her brain cried but it wasn’t something she had control over.

By the time Scott returned with a bucket Libby had crawled back into the bed, leaving behind a puddle of amniotic fluid and vomit on the floor.

“Jeeze Libby, you’ve made a right mess. I’m glad we’re down here now, that would have been a nightmare to clean the carpets upstairs.”

“…water…” Libby panted, curled up on the bed and holding her hardened stomach, too exhausted to do anything other than bear through the labour pains tearing apart her body.

“Okay, sure.” Scott picked up the glass from the table and gently poured it into Libby’s dry mouth. “Everything will be okay Libby, our baby is nearly here.” He whispered, placing a grimy hand onto her bump and feeling the swell, his eyes hungrily lighting up as his fingers caressed the curve.

~•~

She was dying. This was how it would end; trapped in the dirty basement of her crazy ex boyfriend. She never got to meet her baby, or get married, never got to buy her own home, or travel the world. The pain was so much she could barely see. Curled up on the bed Libby groaned into the pillow as the latest contraction squeezed her body in on itself. She was vaguely aware of Scott flapping around the room, he was talking but she couldn’t hear what he was saying. The only thing she could focus on was the mass of the baby’s head sitting right behind her opening, and she was doing everything she could not to push.

The last few hours had been torture. She’d thrashed around the bed, screaming and begging to be freed, to be taken to the hospital. When transition hit she was brought back onto all fours, grunting and pushing without any semblance of control. Scott rubbed her back and encouraged her through it. She didn’t have the strength to bat him off but she did manage to aim her next round of vomiting onto his feet. And all the while Scott refused to unlock the handcuffs and she remained chained to the bed.

Now she was lying on her side over the covers, exhausted, her body completely and utterly drained. Her knees were curled up as much as she could, her bump squashed between her thighs and her breasts. The contractions were right on top of each other and she panted heavily through each one.

Don’t push! Don’t push! Don’t push! she told herself again and again.

“Right, the waters boiled, everything’s disinfected. Clamps and scissors ready. Towel, check. All we need now… is the baby…” Scott muttered, organising and reorganising the equipment.

Ever since the well-timed vomit, he had kept a grateful distance from Libby. He looked through all the toys and clothes in the crib, talking about all the things he would do with his child, trips they’d make, sports they’d play. He was in his own little world, Libby was just a background character.

Relentless contractions kept hitting her one after the other, she breathed as quietly as she could, tears leaking past her lashes from the effort it was taking not to push. She could feel the baby start to stretch her lips, the head inching further and further even without her active pushing. He’d removed her underwear not long after her waters had broken but her dress remained on her sweaty body, thankfully covering her lower half as she laid on the bed. Libby’s legs slightly parted of their own accord as the baby slipped lower. Still curled up on her side, the baby had a clear exit from its mother, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. Scott was ignoring her when she was lying like this and it was the only position that didn’t make her scream. And yet it also proved to be aiding her delivery.

When the next contraction barrelled straight after its predecessor Libby found herself holding her breath and it was only when the burning feeling started that she realised she was pushing. But she couldn’t stop. Gasping another breath she pushed once more, the baby stretching her wider and wider. An involuntary grunt escaped the labouring mother and alerted Scott to her actions.

“Are you…. Libby - are you pushing?! Is it time?” Scott jumped and rushed over to the bed.

Libby curled further over, her face burying into the pillow, squashing her bump and raising her backside. She groaned long and deep as she pushed the baby further out.

“Oh babe, you can’t push like that! You need to get in the correction position for delivery.” Scott said assuredly with all the delusional confidence his “research” had given him.

He took her bent leg, rolling her over onto her back and she screamed. “Scott! No!” The pain was excruciating, her spine was being stabbed, the fire burning between her thighs. She needed to push but she couldn’t when he kept moving her body.

“You need to be in the right position. Come on now, I know what I’m doing.”

“Stop… I can’t… I need to push…” Libby grunted.

“Wait a minute darling, you’re not ready just yet.”

Scott pulled her up to a sitting position and pushed her back against the headboard, pointlessly fluffing the limp old pillows behind her. Her legs were dragged apart and knees were bent and he jumped onto the foot of the bed and looked up her dress.

“Oh my gosh I can see the head!!!” He squealed. He threw her dress up higher, creasing the fabric just below her baby bump, fully exposing Libby’s vagina and the oval shaped crown of the head.

“Push Libby! You can push now!” He urged.

“I’m not-having a contraction-” Libby panted, furious she had been moved into this ridiculous and torturous position. Nothing about it felt right to her body, she wanted to go back on her side, to kneel, squat, anything but this.

“Oh… erm… well on the next one then. Push. No wait, I forgot the equipment.” Scott bounced off the bed and collected all the sterilised equipment he’d been preparing in readiness. “Ha! All that excitement, nearly forgot these.” He placed the items next to him, by her feet. The metal scissors glinted as they caught the light.

A desperate idea began to form in her head, but a contraction soon swept over her and pulled her focus to the burning ring between her thighs.

“Yes!!! Go on Libby! Push!!!” Scott cried.

Curling forward Libby pushed, her body squeezing the baby lower, its head stretching her wider. She grabbed her thighs, gulped another breath, and pushed. The scissors caught the light again with the movement on the bed. If she could just grab them…

“It’s coming, keep it going honey!” Scott yelled and she could feel his trembling hand between her legs.

Libby huffed releasing the push. It was too much, it was too big…

“Come on baby, go again, you’re so close.” Scott urged.

“Hooo-hoooo- okay…. Here it comes….!!!!” Libby threw herself forward curling over her bump once more. With Scott’s focus on the crowning baby she quickly grabbed the scissors and hid them in the gathered fabric of her dress. She screamed as the baby reached a full crown. Panting frantically her body twitched as the baby stretched her so wide she thought she’d be torn in two. Then it slipped further and with a sudden wail the baby’s head was delivered.

“Wow! The heads out, my baby’s head is born.” Scott awed.

Leaning closer his hands trembled towards the newly born head sitting between her thighs. No! You are not touching my baby! Libby thought, and she grabbed the hidden scissors and plunged them straight into Scott’s neck as she released an animalistic maternal wail.

Scott’s eyes bulged out, roaring in agony as the sharp scissors pierced deep into his muscles. He jumped back, standing for the briefest second staring in horror at her, before collapsing to his knees. A drowning choked sound gargled his throat and when he pulled the scissors from his neck the jets of blood sprayed across the room.

Libby watched, in shock at what she’d just done, as Scott clutched his neck, choking and bleeding. After a few strangled seconds he collapsed face first on the ground.

“Oh my god… oh my god….” Libby trembled, adrenaline and fear pumping through every cell in her body. She had to get out of there.

Twisting awkwardly around, she held the handcuff steady with her free hand and pulled her other through the tiny gap. The skin ripped from her hand, the metal scraping bone, she yelled out in pain but didn’t stop pulling until her bloodied hand was free.

It was as if she had left her physical body, the pain a dull echo compared to the survival instinct to get out of this basement. “I’m gonna get you outta here…” she panted, putting a gentle hand over the baby’s head between her legs. She scrambled off the bed, legs bowed as she cupped the head, and rushed toward the stairs of the basement.

Libby was careful, her previous encounter with this wooden staircase not ending well, climbing wide legged step after step towards freedom. She barely made it halfway when she was struck by another contraction. Holding the head with one hand and gripping the bannister tight with the other, her body squatted as it tried to push.

“Mnghhhhhhh! Oohhhhhh hang on baby…. Mnghhhhhh…. Not yet.” She could feel herself pushing hard, the shoulders starting to press against her, itching to come out, but with a firm hand and heavy panting she made it through the contraction.

When she reached upstairs she was surprised how familiar it all was, Scott had taken her here once when they were dating. It wasn’t much, the furniture and decor were dated, but it was a nice family holiday home in a nice rural location. She shuddered when she thought of the secret prison that was hidden below her feet.

Being familiar with the property made her escape easier, she knew the layout and of course where he kept the keys - in the side dish by the fridge. Grabbing the car keys Libby headed for the door and threw it open. But the baby didn’t want to wait any longer.

She hung on to the doorframe for dear life as the raging contraction took hold. “No no no!!!! We’re so close mnnnnnghhhhhh!!!!” Her legs widened as she squatted, pushing uncontrollably against the wall of her hand that held the baby’s head. The shoulders were slipping through… she could feel them stretching… “Ohhh fuck!” She cried, desperately pushing and holding the baby in at the same time.

When the near constant contraction let up just the tiniest bit, Libby made a break for it and ran to the car, both hands between her legs cupping the emerging baby. Unlocking the car with the press of the button she threw open the back door and clambered inside. She quickly locked the door, scared that Scott would somehow still be coming after her, and when she heard the reassuring click of the locks she huffed an exhausted cry.

But the baby was coming, and it was coming now. On her hands and knees in the back seat Libby finally gave in to nature and pushed in earnest, grunting long and deep as the shoulders stretched and slipped out. Lifting up onto her knees to catch the infant she released a primal roar with the final push and the baby slipped into her bloodied hands.

“Ohhhhhh hey baby, it’s okay it’s okay. I’ve got you.” Libby cried, pulling the little boy to her chest. Wiping his face clear he gave a little cough and started crying, soon matched with the tears of his mother.

“We did baby, we got out.” Libby panted and cried, safe with her baby inside the locked car. After a few minutes she wrapped the baby up against her chest with the towel, umbilical cord still connecting mother and child, and she hesitantly opened the door and got into the drivers seat. Starting the engine, Libby drove herself and her new baby to safety.

[xuchiya]

"Lean on Me" || choi san || one-shot

| genre: non!idol ateez. fluff. slice of life | mentions: teasing. fainting. jewelry gift. | This is literally my high school delusions. My old school is literally an 'old school' school like no phones and computers, being in a relationship is not allowed, and big ass windows as our source of fans--- i mean we do have electric fans and ceiling fans but with the weather and a very old, close to dying, e-fans? We really have to depend on the wind from our windows. Anyways, this list is basically a true experience. My personal favorite? Song Mingi's.

It was one of those lazy afternoons nearing the end of the school year. Normally, students were allowed to skip the last few days before summer break, but ever since the head of the high school department conducted an inspection, that freedom was gone. Now, everyone had to stay and use the remaining days to complete any missing requirements.

You were among those students, just a few subjects away from being done. You had been absent the previous week due to a health check-up, and as a result, you missed a few assignments and notes. The classroom was a mess—desks were scattered or arranged in odd shapes, some forming semi-circles where students were busy compiling assignments. Others had stacked chairs into strange structures, a testament to their boredom. Most of the faculty were either preoccupied with grading or caught up in the frenzy of graduation preparations for the seniors. The classroom felt emptier than usual, with many of your classmates still absent despite the new rules, or hanging out in other classrooms.

You were sprawled out on the floor, a book in hand to pass the time. Chaewon had her head comfortably resting on your lap, while Jongho had placed his nearly empty backpack on your leg and drifted into a deep sleep. Both of them often used you as a human pillow, their steady breathing filling the quiet space around you.

There were usually four of you together, but one of your friends was currently out practicing for the opening flag ceremony at the graduation. You understood that San had to fulfill his duties as the next student council officer, so you had prepared some clean clothes and extra food for him.

As you flipped to the next chapter of your book, you barely noticed the classroom door creak open until Choi San stepped in. He was the fourth member of your small group, and the most active when it came to extracurricular activities.

You glanced up from your book and took notice of his presence. His usual lively demeanor was dimmed by exhaustion, his face flushed and his hair slightly damp from sweat. He had just returned from practicing for the graduation flag ceremony, and it was obvious how much effort he had put into it.

San's eyes scanned the room and landed on you. A slight frown creased his forehead as he saw Jongho and Chaewon monopolizing your attention. Without a second thought, he walked over, reaching down to gently but firmly pull Jongho and Chaewon away one by one.

“Ehh~ Sannie!” Chaewon whined.

“Yah, hyung!” Jongho protested, but San's determination won out, and soon enough, you were freed from their grip. You chuckled as the two of them huffed and, resigned to their fate, leaned on each other instead.

You reached into your bag and handed San the extra clothes and towel you had prepared for him earlier. He smiled at the thoughtful gesture, his heart fluttering as he thanked you softly. Turning his back to you, he removed his sweat-soaked shirt. Your eyes widened in surprise, and you quickly hid behind your book, though you couldn’t resist peeking over the top. You caught a glimpse of his muscles flexing as he slipped into the fresh shirt, your heart racing despite yourself.

When he turned back around, you were quick to pretend you were still reading. San let out a tired sigh and plopped down beside you, his usual politeness momentarily forgotten. This time, instead of asking for permission as he normally would, he simply leaned against your shoulder, too exhausted to bother with formalities. You felt the warmth of his skin against yours, and although you were used to being leaned on by your friends, something about San was different. His presence was soothing, yet his closeness made your heart flutter.

“Sorry,” he mumbled after a moment, his voice muffled against your shoulder. “I’m just so tired.”

You smiled softly, shifting slightly to make him more comfortable. "It’s okay, Sannie-ah. Rest up." You gently draped the towel over his head, letting him relax further. His breathing slowed, and you could feel the tension leaving his body as he settled into a deep, peaceful rest.

As the classroom quieted around you, you realized that these moments—when the world seemed to slow down and it was just the two of you—were the ones you cherished the most. 

Closing the book and placing it on your lap, you look down on San’s relaxed figure before you place your head on top of his as you slowly find yourself in a short bliss of nap.

[firstkanaphans]

I've noticed this (as a majorly JD fan) that most people like to complain about fixed cps when it comes to FirstKhao only! It's more apparent when there are mostly no (or less) talk about it when long term CPs keep doing shows together (I mean OG are having their 7th show as a pair coming this gmmtv 2025 and they will be very much welcomed).

There is even demand for CPs that are no longer together to come back (like MaxTul -btw I love them and would love them to so another show together although I know Tul is retired from acting and so that's not gonna happen).

In short- why is there demand for FirstKhao to do works separately and not as a pair? (They have only 2 shows as a pair til now. THK is going to be their 3rd.) Is it because The Eclipse or Only Friends were not that well received?

The Eclipse and Only Friends were both incredibly well-received and were two of the most popular BLs GMMTV has put out in years, so it’s definitely not that. I’m hesitant to tell you what I really think because I’m worried I’ll get canceled for it, but I’ve already blocked everyone who disagrees with me and I’ve now reached the anger stage of my election grief so hey, what the hell.

If you want my honest opinion about why FirstKhaotung seem to be the primary target for this War on CPs, we need to go back to the Only Friends era. It’s important to note that this particular argument against CPs seems to be entirely isolated to Tumblr. Plenty of people dislike CPs or think there should be more mixing and matching of pairs, but that’s not the argument I’m talking about. What you see people saying on Tumblr is that CPs are actively ruining the industry and that writers and directors are going so far as to obstruct themselves creatively just so CPs can end up together. The first time I ever heard rumblings of this was during Only Friends.

Here’s the thing about Only Friends. Before it aired—and even in the beginning stages of it airing—a bunch of the more, ahem, “intellectual” fans seemed to have some very grand delusions about what it was and what it wasn’t. Delusions that were never supported by the canon or anyone involved in the creative process. Throughout this, a bunch of us “fangirls” (gender neutral) tried to fight back and tell them they were misreading the text, but the general consensus was that obviously we didn’t know what we were talking about because we were just fangirls.

But then guess who turned out to have interpreted the text correctly all along?

All of our predictions came true while none of theirs did and instead of admitting that maybe they weren’t engaging with this particular piece of media the way it was meant to be engaged with, they started inventing conspiracy theories about how the series would have ended differently if only it weren’t for those meddling CPs! The FK fandom has a huge faction here on Tumblr and I fear FK took the brunt of their anger—and is still taking it even now.

I just…imagine thinking Jojo Tichakorn secretly hates CPs and is being forced to use them against his will. Jojo Tichakorn? The same Jojo Tichakorn that’s been tweeting about SkyNani nonstop for the past month?! This man is inventing CPs that don’t even exist yet! He is one of us.

My truth is that most of this anger at CPs is actually just thinly veiled misogyny because it revs up anytime a true romance starts getting attention (such as We Are). Romances have always been overlooked and seen as “less than” simply because it is a genre enjoyed by women, but romances have just as much value as any other genre of media and despite popular belief, fangirls are capable of critical thought.

My advice? Just go on a blocking spree before THK airs because it’s only going to get worse. People hate to see women enjoying things.

[therealvinelle]

Would Carlisle/Alphard work? (Platonic or romantic)

... curse tumblr for I had drafted my reply to you. ALAS.

No.

Carlisle is not for Alphard

Alphard is an extremely cynical person who admires Tom Riddle for his strength and infallibility. Tom is the most extraordinary person in the room at any given time, and always true to himself. As far as Alphard is concerned Tom is a demigod among men, the sort of natural force who doesn't live by the same rules the rest of us do and wanting him to change is the last thing on Alphard's mind.

Would he admit this to Tom's face, never, Tom has enough of an ego. Alphard will call him a lunatic and ridiculous, and mean every syllable. Did he fall in love with a violent lunatic with impure blood who was beating up not just Alphard, but his closest relatives and all his friends in school, also yes.

It's the whole package of Tom that makes him appeal to Alphard, from the physical beauty to the uncompromising personality, to the way he can't ever be fully predicted, and the tragically romantic backstory. Being in love with him is just a point of fact for Alphard at this point.

Even becoming Lord Voldemort is something Tom never claims is anything but what it is, and while Alphard is horrified and heartbroken Tom remains the person he always was. Readers of The Man Who Would Be King will remember Alphard lasted one week before being married to Tom again.

Carlisle, by contrast, while unbelievably beautiful and just as extraordinary, is a man who has made self-delusion a cornerstone of his life. He loves his family and wants them to care about human life as much as he does, so he'll give them little nudges like going to their victims' funerals or have family votes where thankfully the majority voted against killing an innocent girl, and not think about what it says about Edward that he killed people for pleasure for four years because- well, he came back.

And he walks around talking about how great, how humane, how wonderful his family and their way of life is. While living among humans, thereby risking the deaths of innocents for no reason other than "it's our lifestyle!" (and the even worse, underlying reason of "if they don't live with humans they might forget humans aren't food...")

Loss of control isn't even a hypothetical, this happens to the Cullens semi-frequently.

Alphard would think he's a fool and a killer by proxy, and despise and pity him. To him, Carlisle is easily worse than Voldemort.

Alphard is not for Carlisle

The trouble with Alphard is that he is what Caius would be if Caius was worse. He's mean, he's judgmental, and he's cynical, all qualities Caius shares only Alphard is somehow worse. He's just so mean.

More troubling yet, he is very principled and harsh on himself but lives cease to matter to him where his loved ones are concerned. Had Aro said "Here is my Horcrux, it's a fifteen-year-old Aro who must be fed a soul to gain a body" Carlisle would have pressured him to either repair his soul, and left when Aro didn't do so. Alphard, by contrast, "Ope, guess we're finding him a soul then."

Alphard is a very ruthless person, he may be principled but should his line of reasoning lead him to murder being the solution to a problem a loved one is having then murder it is.

Alphard also reacts to Tom becoming Voldemort much the same way he would infidelity, as it's not really the suffering Tom inflicted that bothers him but the betrayal of his own character as Alphard knew it (and he'd have had a much harder time getting past actual infidelity. That would have been a crisis). His faith is restored because he sees enough of the goodness he fell in love with. His niece Bellatrix is much the same, of sure she's done bad things, Alphard is intellectually aware of this fact. It's getting hard to deny that she probably has tortured and killed people, and delights in it. Well, have you considered the fact that she's precious and perfect?

Andromeda's marriage to Ted is on par with Tom and Bellatrix's life choices in that Alphard's not thrilled with it, but he can look past it because he loves her that much.

To Carlisle this man is genuinely insane and terrifying. Carlisle can move past his friends killing to live because it's what they've always known and he sees the good in them in spite of that. Alphard would frighten him, there is plenty good in him but Carlisle would correctly put together that the man is one line of reasoning away from killing anybody at all.

Carlisle stays as far out of his way as he can, and warns others to keep their distance from this one.

Can these two even be in a room together?

I think if they meet in the library and only talk about books, they'll have a grand time. Just don't let them talk about anything personal, at all.

[dashofmonsters]

Dreamers & Delusions- Pt. 4

merman x female reader

You stood there frozen for a minute trying to process the fact that Tao had indeed accidentally told your grandmother that the two of you were dating when that was just some misunderstanding.

"You told my crazy seventy three year old grandmother, who has been bothering me to get in a relationship since I moved in with her, that you're my boyfriend," you realize you sound a little hysterical when you say all that.

Tao nods his head slowly, "I uh, made an incorrect assumption."

Between your silly crush on him and this whole funny misunderstanding, your poor brain and heart are having a track day trying to run in the right direction together.

"How am I going to tell her that you didn't get what she was asking you," you mutter as you start to nervously calculate the conversation you'll have with her.

Tao clears his throat then and looks away from you, "Maybe don't say anything?"

"Huh?" you look up at him and he's blushing.

"I uh... I mean she doesn't have to know. You said it yourself, she's stressing you out constantly to find a mate so just let her believe it until you do find someone," Tao shrugs and tries to look back at you but his nerves don't let him.

It sounds like the best worst idea you've ever heard but it sounds like the only way you'd get some peace at home. Tao has always been an advocate for peace and everything being just right. But fake dating seems almost too good to be true.

"What's the catch," you cross your arms waiting for the punch to the gut.

Tao blinks and looks down at you confused, "There is no catch or payment on your end. I am offering this fake relationship to make up for the misunderstanding as well as offering you some peace."

"Oh..." you fiddle with your fingers. "Well thank you. I guess we could give it a shot if that's really something you're ok with."

"Yes it is," he nods. "I do not mind helping a shoa- I mean friend."

Your brows shoot up, "What were you about to say?"

Tao is silent.

"Come on, you can tell me," you smile.

"It's nothing," he glares at you.

"I won't be weird about it," you plead.

Tao looks around to make sure the coast is clear and looks back at you and rolls his eyes, "Let me finish shopping and I will tell you. This is not the place."

You give him a little pout but agree. Tao has been all about "there's a time and a place for everything". You can respect that but you're still going to be a little antsy till he tells you what he was going to say.

Tao is quick with his shopping and even buys you a snack since you ran out before having breakfast. He escorts you away from the shopping center and he has you following him while you eat. You notice he looks a little less nervous and that he's walking very close to you.

"I apologize if what I'm about to say may seem strange or even odd given our differences," Tao starts. "You are my only friend and because of that I have become unusually protective. After the event where you were almost attacked by the shark I realize that you are all I have and because of that some part of me has decided you are a part of my shoal."

You're at a loss for words then. Tao had told you the importance of a shoal a few times here and there but you never thought you'd be that important to him. A shoal is a mix of friends and families. He has neither over here so for him to consider you a part of his two person strong shoal felt well, a bit overwhelming but amazing.

"You're not saying anything," he notes a the both of you keep walking along.

You give him a nervous laugh, "Sorry, I promised I wouldn't make this weird. The squishy sentimental part of me just wants to give you a big ol hug while the respectful part of me is just going to be awkwardly quiet while smiling like a goofball."

Tao smiles at you then seeming relieved, "But you're always smiling like a goofball."

"Yeah well I'm only like that around you," you say then realize what just came out of your mouth. "Because you know I feel ok to be happy around you and I'm not stressed or having to worry about stupid shit and I just haven't had actual friends aside from you or Jessica so I'm just you know happy."

You want to slap yourself in the face for just admitting all that via word vomit even if it was all the truth. You feel incredibly safe with Tao even though you've only known him for a few months. This gradual build up from strangers to friends to now shoal buddies has you wanting to smile all the time.

"I think I can understand that. I have just been surviving and trying to make a living while working here. I never thought I'd have any sort of life here until I met you. I am beginning to have hope for the first time in a long time that things will be alright," Tao pauses in the middle of the sidewalk and looks around.

He takes a deep breath in as the light cool wind combs through his hair. He looks content and the harsh lines on his face seem just a tad softer. The fins on his arms that he used to hide are out and have that leathery sheen to them in the late autumn sun. Tao closes his eyes before he looks back down at you, the whites having turned black again.

There's a long stretch of silence as the both of you just look at each other. It doesn't feel as weird or uncomfortable as it should, it's just nice. The nice peaceful moment doesn't last of course and is interrupted by a small group of teens on their longboards.

Tao clears his throat and looks away, "Would you like to uh have lunch with me?"

"Absolutely," you grin, like a goofball.

~~~~~~~~~

Tao takes you to his small rental for lunch. It's a beach house with a large saltwater tank underneath it. There's several runes that help reinforce the structure and blackout tinting on the tank to provide some privacy. You're a little giddy that you finally get to see Tao's place but you do your best to keep it to yourself.

"It's not much, I hardly spent anything on decorating. My old shoal was very minimalistic. The kitchen however, I may have over done it just a bit. I think I got a bit enthusiastic once I arrived here," he warns you as he unlocks the door and shuffles inside.

The first room is a bare bones living room with a long table next to the door and hooks holding different bags and large hoodies. You see a large hatch in the middle of the floor that you guess goes to the tank with a bench to the side that has a stack of neatly folded towels. The room pretty much screams Tao until you see the bar separating this room and the kitchen.

The bar has several kitchen appliances lined up. You see a huge cutting board and a knife set next to an open cupboard with the most impressive spice rack you've ever seen. He has copper pots and pans hanging above the kitchen in a gorgeous display.

"Tao my friend, enthusiastic is an understatement. Dude you went overboard into obsession. A lot of what I can see if restaurant quality here... Is that a le Creuset dutch oven," you make a beeline to his kitchen and carefully get an up close look at his cookware.

"It's a Staub but they're basically the same thing," Tao says as he starts taking the groceries out and putting them away.

You can't help but to stare as you get a better look at his appliance line up. He's got everything from a stand mixer with all the attachments to a steam basket and food processor.

"I can't believe you have all of this. It must have cost an arm and a leg," you look over at Tao who's leaning against his pantry watching you.

You feel your cheeks warm up a tad under his watch.

"I wouldn't say it cost that much, but I never paid full price. There was always a sale or someone got a gift that they didn't want," he shrugs.

"So you were enthusiastically frugal," you raise a brow. "How come I'm not surprised?"

Tao chuckles, "Is my kitchen really this impressive to you?"

"Dude had I known you had all this here, I'd be begging to come here as often as possible just to get some practice in. I'm pretty much broke between bills, paying my grandmother rent, and what little niceties I can afford myself," you shrug while staring lovingly at his knives.

You hear Tao pull some things from the fridge, "Well then, I guess I don't have to ask if you want to help me with lunch then."

"Oh? What are we making then," you ask.

Tao smiles and grabs and apron, "Anything you want."

~~~~~~~~~

You can't remember the last time you had as much fun as you did then cooking with Tao. The first time at your grandmother's house was nice and all, but at Tao's you felt really free. Once you agreed on a recipe neither of you spoke, but you didn't need to. There were no words but a sweet symphony of chopping and sautéing, stirring and blending.

Even as you two made a mess thanks to the blender's top being off, there was still a wonderful peace between you two. You also got an added bonus of Tao having to take his shirt off halfway through since the blender sloshed sauce on it. Seeing Tao topless in an apron should not have been as hot as it was you told yourself.

After an amazing lunch and cleaning up, Tao showed you the rest of his house. The "nest" room was just that. A master bedroom with the bottom covered in mattresses and piled with comforters, blankets, and pillows. The windows were covered by blackout curtains and the only lights were dim crystals in the corners of the room. It was the least Tao looking room he had.

Once the grand tour was over Tao decided to walk you home. Everything was fine until your grandmother walked out and clapped her hands together and smiled. She started fussing about you running out of the house and not saying anything but everything is fine since you're with Tao and not causing trouble like your mother.

Tao stood a bit closer to you then and glared daggers at your grandmother as she tried to invite him in but he declined saying he has a few things to take care of before he comes back to take you to work.

That made your grandmother grin while you reeled a bit in confusion. Tao never mentioned he'd walk you to work before.

But true to his word he came back just as you were about to leave.

"You don't have to walk me to work ya know," you say.

"I know, but doing this will make our fake relationship a bit more believable won't it," he asks. "And aside from that... I think I need practice."

"Practice? What for," you ask, adjusting your backpack.

"For courting," he admits.

You can't help but to laugh, "You want to practice dating while fake dating me?"

Tao groans, "If it's not too much. There might be a chance that my fated mate is human. I have no idea how to properly court a human and you're the only human I know."

"I might be a piss poor example if I'm being honest. I've dated once and that was enough for me. Dude literally told me I'd be a lot prettier if I didn't talk so much," you seethe at the memory of your first and last boyfriend.

"You seem to have horrible luck with human males," Tao notes.

"You have no idea buddy, which is why I swore off of them and any other guys for that matter. People like me are probably better off alone," you sigh. It was something you always told yourself in your head and it feels strange to finally say it.

"Are you saying you have given up on finding a mate," Tao looks to you and there's an look of sadness in his eyes.

"I've given up a long time ago. Love is lost on people like me Tao. No one has ever tried to get to know me aside from you and Jessica. My own family acts like they know me and worse, they act like they care. I'm just the daughter of some fuck up. I'm always judged based off of where I work, who my family is, and what I do on my time off. It's fucking infuriating but that's my lot in life," you shrug and flap your arms out, readjusting your bag.

Tao is quiet then, he doesn't say anything else for the rest of the walk to work but he does surprise you by taking your hand. He holds it and keeps you close. You hate how much you're enjoying this because you know it's not real, you know that you're using each other in the nicest way possible and it hurts.

When you finally get to work you give Tao's hand a squeeze before you let go, however he doesn't.

"When do you get off work," he asks.

"I work a late shift Tao, I probably won't be out of here till midnight, eleven if I'm lucky. I can walk myself home, it's fine," you smile.

"If this was a real relationship would you want me to walk you home," he asks.

Your brain goes blank for a moment since you haven't a clue.

"I mean most girls would probably say yes so we shou-"

"I'm not asking what anyone else would want," Tao towers over you, his eyes shining in the setting sun. "I asked if you would want it. If you'd want me to walk you home."

You feel your cheeks heat up and you're pretty sure you stopped breathing for a moment or two. You nod your head and Tao sighs.

He moves his hand from yours and tips your head back by your chin, "Use your words."

"Yes," is all you can manage.

Tao smiles, "I'll be here at eleven then."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What in the fresh fuck was going on between you and tall, dark and handsome," Jessica stops you the second you enter the diner.

You roll your eyes and inhale sharply, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you and even if you did, I don't think I'd hear the end of it from you."

Jessica begs and pleads for the next hour. With the diner pretty much dead aside from the usual late night regulars she ends up wearing you do pretty fast.

"Fine fine, he and are fake dating," you whisper to her.

"No," Jes smiles and clutches her chest.

"It's his fault really. My grandmother asked if he was my boyfriend and-"

"Let me guess, he probably assumed that since he's a male and your friend that that was that? Typical other realmers," Jes rolls her eyes.

"Yes and well, when I told him that I'd have to come clean he said I shouldn't and then one thing turns into another and now he wants to practice dating," you groan.

"While fake dating," Jes cocks a brow and takes out a piece of gum.

You scrub your face with your hand and nod.

"Oh girl, you going to be alright," she asks, actually concerned now.

"Maybe," you sigh. "I don't know."

Jessica pops the gum in her mouth and hums, "Just try not to think too hard on it. And, if you think it's too much make the right choice. Don't hurt yourself ok?"

You nod and feel a heaviness in your heart you've never felt before.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Your shift ends at eleven thanks to the diner being near empty. You change pretty quickly since Tao is supposed to walk you home and you don't want to make him wait.

As you step outside you see Jes poking at Tao who looks nervous with his hands held up high. His eyes meet yours and you practically hear him begging for help.

"Alright alright, Jes I'll take it from here. Go home and terrorize your mate," you shoo your friend away and she gives Tao a mean mugging glare.

"I've got my eyes on you boy, you hurt her and my mate and I will rain down absolute hell on ya," Jes points to him before stomping off, but you see her smiling.

You turn to Tao and he gives you an awkward smile.

"Care to tell me what all that was about," you raise a brow.

"Your friend had a few things to say to me about our current... how did she put it? Ah yes, situatationship," Tao nods.

You slap yourself in the face and hard.

"Please tell me Jessica didn't teach you that word. Oh gods this is a lot," you groan.

"But is it not correct? We are not in an established relationship with each other and I am practicing courting and romancing a human which is you. Is there not a better a term for what we are in," he asks, very matter of factly.

"I guess not," you mumble. "Just don't go around telling people that. Some older folks don't quite get it and it'll just hurt their brains. Did Jes tell you anything else?"

Tao looks up and nods before walking up closer to you. His eyes are bright as they look you up and down, "She told me to walk you home every time you have a late shift, to enjoy your company as much as possible and that you... you need to stay away from your grandmother as much as possible."

You notice Tao's pause before he mentions your grandmother but you don't feel like prying. This whole situatationship thing with him is enough of a heartache headache that you don't want to think too much on.

"Ok then," you give him a tired smile.

Tao takes your hand then and gently pulls you along. You feel yourself dragging your feet and looking down more than looking up. Your heart still hurts and you chastise yourself for getting caught up in these feelings too fast too soon.

"Are you tired," Tao asks, pulling you away from the side walk and down to a bench.

You sit and then slump, "Physically awake, emotionally exhausted."

Tao looks around then and nods before scooping you up. You squeal when he bolts towards the beach but makes a beeline for the cliffs. The cliffs are usually off limits unless there are guides or security and Tao knows this. You look up at him confused but he's focused like a man on a mission.

The closer he gets the more you notice the speckles of light dancing atop the cliffs. Tao leaps off the rocks, jumping from one large boulder to another as he quickly climbs to the top.

You gasp when you see the beautiful sight before you. A large gathering of pixies dancing midair in a circle. A few of them spot you and Tao and quickly fly towards you both laughing. One of them sprinkles something atop of Tao's head and a crown of grey and blue flowers plops down on him. You laugh until one sprinkles you and a crown of shells and crystals appears on yours.

"Not good enough, no not yet," one of the pixies hovers next to you and slaps Tao's arm. "Put her down, I've much to do!"

Tao sets you down and you give him a nervous look as the pixies practically swarm you. You're pretty much assaulted by spells as they circle you and you feel your clothes shift and change and before you know it you're wearing a dress right out of a fairytale.

You do a quick twirl and admire the dress the pixies conjured. It's the same color as Tao's mer-half. A dark grey accented with white and black lace and frills. The chains are silver and there's a faint blue glow from the crystals you wear.

"Tao what is this," you turn to him and feel your breath being knocked right out of you.

The pixies finish their spell work on him and he's dressed like some feral rogue from a fantasy novel. His hair is messy and his fins and stripes are on full display. There's a much wilder edge to him than usual.

His eyes meet yours as he walks towards you. He holds out his hand and you take it.

"It's a month long celebration the pixies have right before winter hits. Their leader asked me if they could have this area at night while the humans are away. I agreed. Their festivities have been delayed due to the storm so they have just begun," he explains.

"And the outfits," you twirl your skirt as you ask.

Tao chuckles, "Their way of inviting us to the revelry. Do you dance?"

"Do you," you ask, shocked about what might be happening here.

"All fair folk dance, it is like breathing to us. Doesn't matter if we are of land or sea. Do you dance," he asks again as he walks you closer to the circle of pixies.

"Not really. I've never danced or have been to a revel before," you give him a nervous grin.

"Than it will be my honor to be your first dance partner," Tao nods his head before pulling you into the circle of pixies.

The pixies immediately break into song. You can't see the instruments but you hear them. Tao spins you in his arms under the dazzling pixie lights to the beat of a drum you can't see. Little by little you let yourself go and just feel. You follow Tao's steps as he spins you again and again. You're nearly dizzy when he scoops you up and runs towards the edge of the cliff. You gulp in air and feel a scream coming on when he jumps.

But you don't hit the water, not yet anyways. You're floating down with the pixies around you and Tao before the gently plop you both in the water. The pixies splash in and out around you and you giggle until you feel something rubbery beneath you.

You go stock still in fear.

"What's wrong," Tao shakes you and realizes you're shivering and shaking.

"Sh- I... there's a shark. I just felt it," you whimper.

Tao opens his mouth and looks around then back at you, "That is no shark."

"But I felt it Tao. It has-"

"That was my tail you kicked," he laughs and swims you both closer to the pixies. He lifts part of his massive tail out of the water and you gasp. It was the first time you've been up close with Tao in his true form. You've seen him from a distance a few times but it didn't do him justice.

"My birth shoal's mer are very shark-like I suppose. There are many different shark-like mers just as there are sharks. I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable," Tao looks at his tail and then to you.

"No no no! That's got nothing to do with this! I really thought there was a shark and after the last shark attack... I have a teeny tiny phobia of them. We're good though," you stammer and then playfully punt his tail.

"So you're not scared of me," he gives you a nervous smile as he rolls over.

"Of you? Never! You're stuck with me dude. Well at least until you find your mate," you poke at him and try to swim away.

Tao suddenly disappears under the waves though and away from the pixie lights. You don't feel him nearby and your heart leaps when you feel something tickle the bottom of your feet. You attempt to kick away only to feel yourself being dragged under water suddenly.

You flail about for a moment then feel something soft brush against your neck. It's soft and tickles and then you can breathe.

"Open your eyes," you hear Tao say.

You take a peek and notice that your eye doesn't sting from the salt water. Slowly opening your eyes you see a gorgeous underwater world that's been so close to you but so out of reach.

Tao takes your hand again and leads you around. The pixies dive in and trade their little wings for tiny fins and tails. They swim alongside the both of you lighting the dark ocean. Your eyes continue to adjust and you see the strips on Tao glowing a dim blue like the crystals you're wearing. A lovely stripped pattern appears on his tail and it leaves a small trail of light behind him.

You all swim around for what feels like hours before resurfacing near the beach. Tao transforms back to his more human form and scoops you up and walk you back to the beach. You're both sopping wet and the clothes the pixies conjured feel heavy now. You giggle when he sets you down on the beach chair with a shlop and the both of you break out laughing.

"I don't think I've ever had that much fun in one night! Also, don't ever jump off of a cliff while carrying me and not saying anything. That scared the shit out of me," you huff but smile.

"Apologies, I was caught up in the revelry. I'll remember to tell you when I plan to plunge us into the dark unforgiving waters of the Pacific next time," Tao laughs.

You roll your eyes and stretch out. A comfortable silence falls between the both of you as you watch the pixies dance atop the waves, slowly ending the revelry for tonight.

"I don't think I've ever had this much fun either. I can't even recall a time when I had fun with my birth shoal. I was always on the outside of everything. Can I tell you something," he turns to you with the shyest smile.

"Of course you can," you say.

"That was also the first time I've danced," he admits.

You place a hand above your heart, "And you had your first dance with me, what an honor."

Tao chuckles and rolls his eyes, "It could be that you are not meant for human males, but for someone from the realm I hale from. You have the spirit like the fair folk much like Jessica does. That might be why your luck with romance has been terrible."

"You sound very sure of that," you grimace. The thought of an actual relationship, no the thought of being a fated mate to someone of the other realm scared you a bit.

"The pixies took to you so quickly I was a bit stunned. They're usually cautious around humans. I believe you're fated for someone of my home realm," he gives you a smile that nearly has your heart melting.

"If you say so," you hold yourself tightly and look away from him.

You hear him walk towards you and crouch down, "You are meant for love my friend. No one has been worth the love you're too afraid to show. You are kind beyond what most deserve and hide yourself behind the shadows of your past. I hope someday that love finds you and can help you heal the scars in your heart."

"Tao, you keep saying really nice things like that then I'm pretty sure I'm going to keep having to raise my standards and hope my mate can meet them," you giggle as you try not to cry.

The pretty and hopeful words he speaks to you feel so nice but they hurt so bad too. You hate that you're crushing on him. You hate the you know you're slowly moving from just a crush into something more. You won't tell him though, you'll take all these feelings to the grave with you.

"I will also have high standards for a mate because of you. Fated or not, I hope she will be as joyful as you are," Tao admits as he looks back to the ocean.

There are hardly any pixies left save for a small handful whose light keep switching from sea green to a sunset pink.

"I should walk you home, it is late and I fear we will both be very exhausted come morning," he pushes up and scoops you into his arms in one quick movement.

The walk home was more of Tao jogging at top speed. The streets are quiet save for the occasional night driver and ride shares dropping people off from a bar. Tao slows down just a little as he gets closer to your neighborhood.

You grab for your backpack and suddenly realize it's not there.

"Tao my bag!" you gasp.

He quickly sets you down and realizes it's gone before he pats at the air behind you and it reappears.

"Simple concealment spell. Your bag was with you just following alongside you in a less apparent realm," he nods and takes your hand.

You're close to home and sort of just trudge the rest of the way there hand in hand. Tao walks you up the steps and as you fish out your keys he takes you by the chin and kisses you.

Not on the forehead.

Not on the cheek.

But a full deep passionate kiss on the lips. He kisses you once, twice, and a third time before he stands straight, the whites of his eyes black and a couple of light blue stripes appear on his cheeks.

He brushes your cheek with his thumb, "Goodnight."

You nod and he kisses your cheek this time before he parts.

"Until tomorrow," he nods and walks away into the night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tao:

I did as Jessica told me to and kissed her goodnight. I did not think I would like it as much as I did. If I am being honest with myself, I was afraid I would not be able to stop kissing her.

Everything I have done tonight with her will be with me forever, even after we find our mates...

A terrible acidic taste stings my mouth and I feel sick just thinking about her being with someone. It is wrong to feel such a way I scold myself. She is dear to me and I wish her nothing but happiness.

But would it be wrong to think that she could be happy with me?

Something heavy settles into my very being and I feel myself slowing as I get closer to the house I rent.

Little by little images play in my head of what sort of life I could have with a mate like her. But the more vivid they become the more of her I see.

It feels wrong and selfish of me to want her more than I already do. I told her she is meant for someone from my home realm and maybe somewhere deep down inside me I might be wishing that someone is me.

I grasp at one of the pillars holding up my home and I grind my teeth. Every bit of me wants to keep her close, keep her safe. She is my shoal and I hers. My only friend.

I can't hurt her, but I fear I might have begun to in ways that are irreversible now.

Jessica had warned me that my dear friend might have some sort of feelings for me and that I should not get too close. I fear I cannot stop myself from wanting to be closer to her. I want to know how she feels, what she thinks, I want her but I can't.

She is not for someone like me.

She is bright and speaks her mind. She deserves love and happiness that someone like I could not give her.

I am horrible company, too quiet and reserved. I haven't a clue why she speaks to me only that I could hear her talk for hours. I will never admit that to her though.

I feel a sad sort of happiness in my heart. A quiet yearning for someone I cannot have. I clasp my hand over my heart and take a deep breath.

I will allow myself to feel this before I plunge any desire for her deep into the darkest parts of my soul.

The wind picks up and a light sensation crosses my lips and I remember the kiss.

That heaviness nestles further and further and I fear that if I do not center myself soon I might not be able to get her out of my mind tonight.

[wtftarot]

PAC: How can you face your demons?

Thanks to @lifeofaie for the inspiration for this one!

Demons. We all have them and they come in all shapes and sizes, what are yours? Are they tiny ones on your shoulder, whispering in your ear? Are they hulking and bloody and hunting you down? Only one way to find out!

TW: We are talking demons if you think this is gonna be an easy-to-read-easy-to-swallow reading, then you may wanna look up the definition of demons. This reading WILL deal with sensitive topics, I will put warnings for each group but DO NOT READ IT IF YOU ARE IN A BAD PLACE OR FEEL LIKE THE TOPICS MAY FUCK WITH YOU. I AM NOT A THERAPIST. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF PLEASE.

as always this reading is for entertainment purposes ONLY and is not a substitute for professional advice in any capacity.

Pick Group One, Two or Three and head to your reading.

ps I don't know why I'm hearing the Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction theme right now but I am? Sound off in the comments if you watched that growing up

Group One

Eight/Cups Rx, Three/Wands, Three/Cups Rx, The Devil, Ace/Swords Rx and the Hanged Man Rx on the back of the deck.

Demons (TW): Isolation, Abandonment, Not feeling Real, self-identity If you came to this reading and are having delusions or something about not being real, please find guidance from a professional. As soon as I pulled the first card for y'all I heard 'stop running'. It looks like y'all maybe, possibly avoiding/sabotaging relationships and you don't realize how much this is fucking you over. Some of y'all have friends/relationships but are not truly letting them know you. Others are self-isolating full-stop. I don't know why you're doing this, maybe you've had shitty relationships in the past. Maybe you've just convinced yourself you're a loner and that maybe true, here's the thing though, you're taking loner to an extreme. You never let people know you and then have this inner turmoil because you feel unknown, abandoned, and alone. It's also making you feel like you're not really Here or not Real. (Side note: Yall are TOUCHSTARVED) You're questioning the reality of yourself. Like somehow you're separate from the rest of the world. When you're not being your true self with others they treat you as someone else, so you start to feel like someone else BUT at the same time, your true self is SCREAMING at you inside, dying to come out. Honey, you can't keep abandoning yourself. Now this next bit ain't a call out, but you may be projecting the resentment you feel about not being your true self onto others. Angry and wondering why can't they see you? The REAL you. You may even be feeling like they're asking too much of you, asking you to be someone you're not. (For some of y'all I don't doubt that's the case. ) Thing is, they can't see you if you don't let them. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of times when people refuse to see you wholly as you are. (wholly is a fuckin weird word) When that happens though, it seems like you're taking others' word as law on who you are. All of this is giving this weird disconnect between you and others. Then it's like, what's the point in trying to build relationships with others? You end up drained and having to keep up a facade, why keep doing that to yourself right? There's a side effect of avoiding (authentic) relationships though. You see, friendships are very good at keeping our inner narrative in check. When we self-isolate there's no one to challenge our downward spiral-shit show (only scrolling, never talking to others online counts as self-isolating btw,) Our relationships help us see the world and ourselves clearer, but only if we can be honest. I'm saying all of this because I'm getting the feeling that y'all are REALLY fuckin hard on yourselves. Ok, ya know what we're gonna take a minute and breathe. Are you breathing? Nice, slow breaths. Cause that was a lot, wasn't it sweetheart? We're on to the easier bit now, alright? Ok, with this energy, I'm betting y'all get told you need to do more grounding a lot, Right? Like, no matter how many grounding techniques you do, you can never seem to actually get grounded? It may have more to do with grounding who you are into reality. I mean, it doesn't matter how grounded in the moment you are if you're not behaving as your authentic self you're not going to feel connected at all. It may be that you only really feel like yourself when you're alone. There's no way around this, babe. You have to try to build genuine connections with people. I'm talking heart-felt, emotionally-connected friendships and relationships. I know, I know it SUCKS. Good thing is, those relationships take time to build. You should go slow and build that type of trust over time. If you have people who you feel like you could start to be more authentic around, take baby steps. Be honest with how you feel. I also just heard 'learn to lean on others' . Spirit's making me a fuckin hypocrite. Y'all know it's okay to receive support right? Connections make you stronger. You can't isolate yourself into being the person you want to be.

random ass vibes: GOAT, papertowels, Justice, swords

If you liked this reading or want to support me, you can leave me a tip with the thing at the bottom of this post or tell me what you thought in the comments

Group Two

Three/Cups Rx, The Magician, Ten/Cups Rx, Ace/wands, Five/Swords Rx and the Five of Wands on the back of the deck

Demons (TWs) Bullying, Negative self-talk/ self-hate

I'm getting the sense that y'all beat yourselves up a lot without realizing it. Y'all seem to think that everyone berates themselves as much as you do and that's just not the fucking case, honey. I feel like y'all are a prime example of if you hear a lie often enough you start to believe it. With the Three and Ten of cups both in reverse, y'all have been around some SHITTY people. And I don't think y'all had enough positive voices in your corner to help combat the shit you were being told about yourself. What's more concerning is some of you, most of you even, don't see how you're shitty inner dialogue is a problem. I'm not going into what I'm feeling y'all are saying to yourselves, that shit doesn't deserve to be voiced. Y'all are so fuckin talented and wonderful but every moment of every day is filled with these thoughts that you're horrible and you wonder why you can't seem to get shit done. Or why you don't feel that motivated to do anything. Then when you can't seem to get anything done, you use that as evidence that those shitty thoughts are right and beat yourself up EVEN MORE. Goddamn honey. Your mind is incredibly powerful and you're using that power against yourself. Maybe at one point you did argue with the shitty people or shitty thoughts but it got so overwhelming that you stopped fighting it. I keep hearing 'take up your wand'. It's time for y'all to push back against the thoughts a bit. One thing I'm getting might be helpful is to listen to positive affirmations. I'm not trying to say that they'll fix your life but if any of what I'm feeling is accurate, some of y'all have NEVER had any consistent positivity in your life and just listening to someone talking positively about you would help balance the scales out a bit. You don't even have to believe what they're saying, it's like that saying I mentioned earlier. You probably disagreed with the shitty things people told you about yourself at first too. Or at least felt like they were being mean and unfair, but you heard it over and over until you believed it. Listening to positive affirmations can do the same thing. I just heard 'don't let it get to you' I feel like y'all were really passionate and cared a lot about what people said, so you fought and you may be told parents/teachers and they gave you the whole 'they're only doing it to bother you, so don't let it' bullshit, instead of helping you. You may have even gotten in trouble when you tried to fight back. Cause people being shitty SHOULD bother you. That's not you being too sensitive, it's you knowing that you don't deserve to be treated like shit. I think it would be helpful for y'all, if you have a therapist or someone kind and honest and who you trust, to tell them some of those lil tapes you have on repeat in your head. Seriously just ask, I have this thought in my head about myself can you tell me if it's grounded in reality or not? Cause, the fact is that y'all don't even fully realize how horrible you're being toward yourselves and need some outside perspective. I'm also seeing you may have a habit of really seeking out romantic relationships because you're really wanting to be treated with some gentleness and kindness but have never been shown that in a platonic relationship and media really only shows that level of intimacy in romantic relationships. I hate how cliche this will sound but y'all need to surround yourself with positivity. Cause y'all are starved for it. I don't mean toxic positivity or the 'live, laugh, love' sunshine and rainbows positivity. I mean kindness. I mean warmth and acceptance.

random ass vibes: bitchy kindness lol, lighthouses, lions, 1414

If you liked this reading or want to support me, you can leave me a tip with the thing at the bottom of this post or tell me what you thought in the comments

Group Three

The Empress Rx, The Sun, Seven/Swords, Ten/Swords Rx, The High Priestess Rx and the Four of Wands Rx on the back of the deck.

Demons (TWs): Abuse.

If you are currently in an unsafe situation the phone number for the abuse hotline is 800-799-7233.

I'm smelling old cigarettes. Which will seem a little random but with it came the image of my great-aunt's house, she was a heavy smoker (and not to overshare) but her house was one of the few places I felt seen and safe growing up. Her house was warm and welcoming, and she was into all the weird dark shit I was fascinated by then (and now). The smell of cigarettes always makes me feel safe, even now. I feel like y'all need to cultivate an environment where you feel safe because you will be a safe place for others. Y'all do or will have an energy similar to my great-aunts Why is this coming out in a 'how to face your demons' reading? All of the reasons I felt so safe at her house were all of the reasons most of our family didn't like her. I think, that y'all have been wounded in a way where people have taken and taken from you. Have convinced you that you're nothing when they're the ones draining you until you have nothing left. My great-aunt was in an abusive relationship before I was born, from what I've been told she was totally unrecognizable, he made her small, meek. As long as I've known her she's one of the loudest, boldest people I've ever known. If someone's made you feel like the only way you're allowed to show up in the world is by being small or hiding yourself, I'm here to tell you that that's not the case. I don't know your situation exactly or at all. The Empress and The High Priestess are in reverse here, I feel like y'all are meant to embody those cards in the upright but whatever you've gone through has made you feel like it's not safe to embrace them. Or maybe apathetic toward them. I'm getting a lot of apathy, actually. The demons you're facing are parts of your past that you feel like broken you to the point where you'll never be able to 'be vibrant' again. I hear the be vibrant part, maybe you feel faded? You will, though. Be vibrant, again. Hell, the Sun came up in the reading, babe you're already on your way. Maybe only in small ways so you haven't noticed yet, but you are. All of the traits you've been told make you unwanted are the ones that will make the right people feel safe around you. I feel like y'all are genuinely warm and kind people and you've been treated like shit for it. Some of you haven't lost those traits but some of you have, that's alright. Lastly, for most of y'all, it seems this situation is over, but you're still sorta living in it. Living as if you're still trapped in it, that you'll never escape, or that they were right. Listen to me, an abuser is NEVER right. Sometimes our bodies just need time to learn that we are in fact out of a shitty situation. Going back to the first bit of the reading, it's time y'all get to learn what safe feels like.

random ass vibes: campy Halloween vibes, cats, ducks, pasta.

If you liked this reading or want to support me, you can leave me a tip with the thing at the bottom of this post or tell me what you thought in the comments

[oopsallfictives]

I'm gonna take a stab at creating an alternate definition of the word delusion, since I'm not a fan of the one commonly used in a medical context. This is gonna deal with some unreality and paranoia-inducing stuff, so read at your own risk.

The definition most commonly used for delusion is a false belief that a person can't be persuaded isn't real or true, even if they're shown evidence to the contrary. This is a flawed definition for a number of reasons, chief among them that sometimes people are just wrong and stubborn about it. We know that it can be incredibly difficult for people to change their minds once they're personally invested in an idea, but that's not the same as being delusional. A person who still believes vaccines cause autism probably isn't delusional, they're just personally invested in the idea because it validates their view that autism is bad and gives them a scapegoat to blame for the existence of autistic people. That's an ideology, not a delusion.

Another flaw is that some things can't necessarily be confirmed to be untrue. One of the most well-known (and commonly mocked) delusions is some variation of "the government is spying on me". This isn't something that's easily verified as either true on untrue, and it's also something that literally does happen to people. I live in the US, where we know the government spies on people. We know that in the wake of 9/11, US intelligence agencies undertook a massive campaign of surveillance of Muslim and Middle Eastern people living in the US. So "the government is spying on me" might not actually be a false belief, and you probably can't know that for sure.

Attempting to rely on a belief being false can be dangerous, too. I remember reading the story of a person who was labelled as delusional for saying Obama followed them on Twitter, and was incarcerated in a psych ward until they lied and said they'd realized they were delusional and Obama didn't follow them. The thing is, he did. It was true and verifiable, but the medical professional evaluating them refused to check if it was true so they didn't "encourage the delusion". Sane people tend to believe they have an absolute and correct understand of reality, and a lot of them would rather call you delusional than adjust their worldview. And if that person is a medical professional, they can completely turn your life upside down and stick you in conditions that the UN has called torture.

So here's my proposed alternative: a delusion is an involuntary belief that isn't rooted in logic or evidence, and that a person can't stop believing even if they know it isn't true.

Let's break that down. The involuntary part is important. Delusional people don't have control over our delusions. We don't believe them because we want to or because we think they're true, we just believe them. It's true that delusions can draw on voluntary beliefs, including bigotry, but believing the delusion isn't a choice. We can't just stop. In the case of delusions rooted in bigotry, the person is still responsible for holding those bigoted beliefs in the first place, even though they don't have control of the delusion that came from them. This is an important caveat, because people love to call bigots delusional for things they chose to believe.

The second part is that it's not rooted in any kind of logic or evidence. If a person believes something untrue due to faulty logic and/or misinformation, that's not a delusion. That's called being wrong.

Lastly, I chose the wording "even if they know it's not true" very deliberately. Some delusional people know, either always or sometimes, that our delusions aren't real or true. I personally always know, but that never stops me believing them. If you've never experienced this, it can be hard to imagine what it feels like to know something isn't true and still be unable to stop believing in it. It's contradictory and confusing and really hard to put into words. Of course, there are also delusional people who don't know their delusions aren't true, or who're confused and can't figure it out. It's not the same for everyone. This part of the definition also covers being presented evidence and being unable to accept it as true.

For some people, being told their delusions aren't true can also be extremely distressing and even push them further into it. Never reality check a delusional person unless they ask you to, or it's part of a crisis plan you made with them. The same goes for playing into or confirming a delusion. Do your best to remain neutral on whether or not their belief is true, and try to focus more on their emotions and how it's affecting them. If you know a psychotic person, it's a good idea to ask them (preferably while they're not having a psychotic episode) how they'd like you to handle it.

I'm open to critique from other psychotic people, but if you're aggressive or mean I'll probably just ignore you. This is just an idea, a rough draft, and I'd like to know what the community thinks. Nonpsychotics can reblog, but keep your thoughts to yourself

-Oliver (it/its)

[hiwerethemountaingoats]

So this is a revenge fantasy, right, uh, and, uh, and it's a song, um—you know, I mean, revenge obviously is bad, right? I mean, this is obvious, this is clear, right? [inaudible audience yelling] No, it's bad! It's not valuable. Justice is good and revenge is bad, it's, it's just -- and this is just obvious and true. Right now, on my side politically, we kind of got blood in our eyes and we're like, no, revenge is fucking good! No, it's not. Because—the whole, if you read Greek tragedy, right, the whole theme of Greek tragedy is that when you take revenge, you're gonna overdo it. And then the other person you've been taking revenge on is gonna have a legitimate gripe, uh, that you overdid it, right, that you killed one too many when you, when you came to their town, so now they have to come back and get one. But they don't get one. They get five, right. And then you're mad, right. And that's how revenge works, and that's the nature of revenge, that you always take too much and so you never get enough, right, that's the nature of revenge. Uh, which also makes it a great thing to inhabit if you have issues, right. If you have—if you have things you need to work out. I may talk a good game about revenge being bad, but what I mean is that revenge is wonderful. It feels fantastic. It fills you with delusions of power, right, you sit there, you sit there dreaming of your revenge fantasy and you see the person upon whom you are going to enact this revenge cowering, begging you for mercy, and you understand that you, you alone possess that precious gift of mercy which you're not going to impart, and that's, and that's all delusion, and, uh, uh, but it's a pretty potent one, and this is—and so what happens while you're in the grip of it is that you're not just thinking that you're going to take revenge, but how. And that's what this song is about. It's called Getting Into Knives.

John Darnielle introducing Getting Into Knives (September 23rd, 2021)

[orphanedsource]

Elden Ring Tabletop RPG Fan Translation

But only for Varré :)! It adds so much to the dynamic between the tarnished and varré 😳 I can't believe this is official.

jpn to eng translation is thanks to my friend, I edited for wording/ clarity

-----

Leaning against the church wall, Varré seemed to be humming some tune. The PC could see that he was in a very good mood.

"Ahh, my lambkin. You've completed your final trial. Uhuhu… The oath cloth has been dyed a beautiful red!"

Taking the crimson cloth from the PC and laying his eyes upon it, the white mask radiated joy, as if he was a young girl in love.

Keep reading for the entire quest line:

Elden Ring Official TRPG - Varré

[B009 - Rose Church]

There was an island nestled in the lake, and atop it stood a church adorned with blooming roses. In this desolate place, the vivid red of the roses left a lasting impression.

<EVENT: Varré ①>

There was a church known as the Rose Church. As the name suggests, the vicinity of the church was adorned with deep red roses, as if they had absorbed the very essence of blood.

"Oh, Tarnished, are we? Come to the Lands Between for the Elden Ring? Of course you have. No shame in it. However, there is one shining ray of hope even for the maidenless like you. Me. Varré."

The man wore a white mask and stood near the church wall, before approaching the PC. Varré spoke.

"And it seems you trotted to the Roundtable Hold... My sincerest congratulations. But, how did you find the Roundtable? Oh, you don't have to say it. Before, the Roundtable was chock full of venerated warriors, but now, it's home to puff-chests and has-beens. I fear you've been terribly disappointed. I don't blame you. But still, the Roundtable has its perks. Why not earn a seat? Fly straight and true, so to speak."

He spoke in a provocative manner.

However, despite his degradation of the Round Table members, there was an air of confidence in his words.

"No, that was a foolish question. You have already defeated the Grafted King and claimed a Great Rune. And also, you had your audience with the Two Fingers at the Roundtable Hold. They are the purported masters of the grace that guides your kind, the Tarnished. That's why you should pay them a visit and see for yourself."

Since he was wearing a mask, it was impossible to know his facial expression while he spoke, yet he was remarkably talkative.

"So, I'd like to ask you. You saw the Two Fingers. What was your impression? Were they magnificent? Or did you feel something is not right?"

Varré went around and around, but it seems that this is what he really wanted to ask.

What response will the PC give? Depending on their answer, it may determine the path the PC will take from here on. They should carefully consider their response. Will they affirm the Two Fingers or deny them?

(→ "They were magnificent.")

If the PC answers like this, Varré, with an obviously displeased voice, says, "I see. Well, what a relief that must be. You may go, then. My work here is done. May the wisdom of the two fingers guide you." And went away, disappointed. ((Event Ends))

(→ "They didn't seem right")

"Ah-ha, your intuition serves you well."

Upon hearing those words from the PC, Varré came closer with a delighted expression.

"Actually, I feel the same way. The words of the Two Fingers cannot be trusted. Truly, naught but rambling, senile delusions."

The man with the white mask passionately speaks, criticizing the Two Fingers.

"I believe that, when the Elden Ring was shattered, the Two Fingers were corrupted, their guidance; skewed. Even worse, the Fingers harbor no love for our kind. That's the part that irks the most."

Varré expresses his thoughts with somewhat dramatic gestures. After speaking for a while, Varré spins and turns towards the PC, handing them something.

"Oh, I have a gift for you, something fit for only the wise."

It was a creepy, blood-stained finger. As the PC tries to shake it off, Varré gently encloses the PC's palm with both hands.

[Obtained : Festering Bloody Finger]

"This is a means for circumventing the draw of the Two Fingers. Give it a try, won't you? Oh, and I suggest starting by venturing into the Forest Path (A011), where the guidance begins. That is a place where other Tarnished like you will appear. And if it pleases you, may we meet again. I've high hopes for you. My lambkin."

With those final words, Varré sees the PC off.

—

[A011 - Forest Path(The first sight of grace), Limgrave]

<EVENT: Varré ②>

Even though it was just a short while ago that PC arrived at the Lands Between, it felt more like they had been here for ages.

Varré said they should come here, but …

As the PC looks around, they sense an ominous aura coming from their inventory. They hastily take out that finger. As expected, the "Festering Bloody Finger", given to them by Varré, starts oozing red.

Upon closer inspection, the finger is darkly congested, bearing marks as if it had been cut off. While not entirely certain, the PC starts to feel that if they keep holding onto this finger, they will somehow invade the world of its owner.

What will the PC do?

If they immediately throw away the finger, perhaps everything will be fine. But, if PC has an impulse to KILL someone, the red glow actually feels somewhat pleasant.

Depending on their choice, it may determine the path the PC will take from now on. They should carefully consider their actions.

(→Throw away the fingers)

The PC hurriedly throws away the Festering Bloody Finger. As a result, the impulse gradually subsides into calm. They can no longer bear touching the festering finger[a], and decide to leave the scene. ((Event Ends))

(→Follow the urge)

The crimson impulse grows stronger and starts spreading from the finger and into the PC's palm, permeating the entire body. They then fall into a momentary blackout. When they regain consciousness, they find themselves in a recognizable place, identical to before the event.

They realize that a thirst for violence is coursing through their entire body. In the embodiment of that urge, the PC takes on the form of a red spiritual entity. Their sole purpose is to kill the owner of this finger and rob them of their grace.

There is a person stepping back, watching the PC reveling in the surging desire to kill. It is likely the Tarnished who arrived in this land not long ago—like how the PC was before.

Now, let's take out that weapon and slate your thirst for violence in that newcomer. Take everything he’s got.

〔Simple Battle: The Stout Tarnished〕

After successfully defeating the newcomer Tarnished, continue reading.

Upon killing the newcomer Tarnished, the PC found themselves back in their original world, nearly unaware of their own return.

"Oh, lambkin, so pleased to see you're enjoying the gift. Ah, I knew from the very start. You have a taste for noble blood."

White Mask Varré was there, approaching while clapping his hands, visibly happy.

"I wish to anoint you a proper inductee. A knight to serve Luminary Mohg, the Lord of Blood, and establish a new dynasty. Luminary Mohg has strength, vision, and of course, love. So, what do you say, my lambkin?"

The blood-soaked PC, who had already killed the newcomer, would not reject such a suggestion. They pledge to become a knight, to Varré.

"Huhuhuhu, yes, indeed. Now, take this."

Varré said, handing the PC a length of beautiful, pure white cloth.

[Obtained : Lord of Blood's Favor]

"This is your final trial. Soak the cloth with a maiden's blood. Normally, this ritual would involve killing one's own maiden, and recanting the wisdom of the Two Fingers. ...But since you are maidenless, the blood of anyone's maiden will do."

The PC recalls the memory of the finger maidens. Was there someone like that close by?

They have to search for her. It is the trial to become the knight of the Lord of Blood.

"By the way... I remember that there was a woman with the potential to be a maiden, on a hill facing the lake(B012). If you don't know any other maidens, she would suffice, don't you think?"

As Varré spoke, he went away. 'When you are ready, please come back to the Rose Church again.' And left those words.

—

[B012 - Lake-Facing Cliffs]

<EVENT: Varré ③>

As Varré had suggested, the PC hurried to the cliff facing the lake. There, they found a girl they had seen somewhere before.

"Hello? Is someone there? My name is Hyetta, and I'm journeying in search of the distant light. If I might be so bold as to ask... would you donate any Shabriri grapes in your possession to me? My eyesight has been weak since birth, you see. But when I eat one of those grapes, I can feel a distant light in the back of my eyes. It will lead me, to my true duty, as a Finger Maiden."

(Offers grapes, tells her it's a human eye, blah blah)

"Haa... haa... Sorry, I'm alright now. I apologize. You told me for my own sake. I'll be fine. Think no more of it."

Saying that, Hyetta stood up, appearing lost in thought. Then, as if she realized something, she looked startled and spoke to the PC.

"Ah, are you there? I have gleaned something very important indeed, thanks to you. The reason why it was eyes I had to eat. The distant light is far and frail. So faint it can't be seen by the naked eye. But with everyone's eyes together, it appears. Finally, it all makes sense. I am certain now, I will become a finger maiden."

Her face, after saying those words, seemed very happy. Indeed, this blind girl is proclaiming herself to be the "finger maiden".

If that's the case, as Varré said, it seems appropriate to offer her as a blood sacrifice and dye the oath cloth with her blood.

Then let's kill her. Let's kill her, while she is smiling innocently. The PC's heart flutters, and their breath becomes heavy with anticipation for what is about to happen.

"What's the matter?"

Perhaps sensing the PC's untoward gaze, Hyetta smiled with a gentle expression. The state of her smile, unaware of her upcoming death. The PC felt a delightful sense of guilt coursing through their entire body. It was an incredibly pleasant feeling.

"Hello?"

These were the last words of Hyetta, the girl who ate Shabriri grapes in want of becoming a finger maiden.

The PC raised their weapon and struck her head. Again. And again. The splattering of blood and the metallic stench tickled the depths of their nostrils.

It was such a sweet fragrance.

She became motionless, a lifeless thing, the bloodied corpse that was once her. And into the overflowing crimson liquid, the PC soaked the oath cloth. In an instant, the cloth turned its color to a vivid red.

Now, the preparations to become a knight are complete. Let's hurry to the Rose Church where Varré awaits.

—

[B009 - Rose Church]

<EVENT: Varré ④>

Leaning against the church wall, Varré seemed to be humming some tune. The PC could see that he was in a very good mood.

"Ahh, my lambkin. You've completed your final trial. Uhuhu… The oath cloth has been dyed a beautiful red!"

Taking the crimson cloth from the PC and laying his eyes upon it, the white mask radiated joy, as if he was a young girl in love. (*cute girl, virgin girl)

"And with this, you are a formal inductee. A knight who will assist Luminary Mohg, the Lord of Blood, in the establishment of a new dynasty. Now, give me your finger. This noble blood will be an immutable badge of honor, once it settles. Inside of you!"

As instructed, the PC gave their hand. They remove the armor that covered their hand, exposing it completely.

"Uhuhu… it's a beautiful hand. Here we go."

Saying that,Varré takes the PC's hand and sinks a needle-like tool into their finger.

Intense pain strikes the PC. They try to shake it off, but Varré wouldn't release.

"Oh, good heavens. Clench your teeth, or something. Uhuhuhu… Now now, it's over already. You have the sweetest scream, my lambkin."

When they are finally released, the finger is stained red with blood.

"Never forget that feeling of agony. For it is what binds you to Luminary Mohg, to all of us. Uhuhuhu"

Varré was so happy for having completed the ritual, it was quite baffling.

"Oh, another thing. You should have this."

Varré says, moving with a feather’s grace while handing a medal to the PC.

[Obtained : Pureblood Knight's Medal]

"This is a medal granted by the new Mohgwyn dynasty. With the power to grant an audience with Luminary Mohg. I've gone out of my way to provide one to you. But you mustn't use it just yet. The meeting must wait until the Mohgwyn dynasty commences."

And taking the medal from PC, Varré happily attaches it to PC's cloak. The act made as if he was a newly married wife. (*new bride, newly married woman)

"For now, Luminary Mohg yet slumbers beside the Divinity. We must endure a little longer. Ahh, it is trying, but we must be patient. One day, you will be elevated, deservedly, basking in love. Right, my lambkin? Uhuhuhu."

As Varré says this, he leaned his head on the PC's shoulder.

—

[After Lyndell, this event can happen at any time.]

<EVENT: Varré ⑤>

The PC recalls the words gleefully whispered by white mask Varré.

"This is a medal granted by the new Mohgwyn dynasty. With the power to grant an audience with Luminary Mohg. I've gone out of my way to provide one to you. But you mustn't use it just yet. The meeting must wait until the Mohgwyn dynasty commences."

If they take Varré's words literally, it would mean that the PC has already become a knight serving the so-called Mohgwyn dynasty. And by using this medal, they would be guided into that dynasty.

When the PC raises the medal, they are instantly transported to an unfamiliar underground world. The place reeked of blood. Indeed, it seems they have been guided.

They could continue forward from here, but there is too little information about this Mohgwyn dynasty. So, they decide to return to the Round Table and seek answers from Gideon. He had promised to provide information and offer treasure in return, so it would be killing two birds with one stone.

Returning to the Round Table, they visit Gideon's room.

"Oh, Mohgwyn dynasty, is it? Hmm, so that's where the so-called Lord of Blood was hiding himself, eh. A fitting little squat for that deluded maniac to bleat about the revival of his precious dynasty, while he turns our fellow Tarnished into Bloody Fingers. Let him stay there. That way, his delusions will remain as they are - distant and unattainable. But perhaps it's worth looking into... If what I've heard is right, then maybe..."

Sir Gideon appears quite excited by the newly acquired knowledge.

"Ah, my apologies. Lost myself, for a moment there. The information you've shared is of great value. As promised, your reward:"

[Obtained : Throwing Weapons Crafting Manual (S039), Perfume Bottle Crafting Manual (S040), Potion Crafting Manual (S038)]

"You are a true fellow. All I ask is that you remain constant."

Gideon said, and the PC left the Round Table.

They once again arrive at the underground rocky area that claims to be the Mohgwyn dynasty. Based on Gideon's and Varré's words, it appears that this dynasty is not yet complete and is currently in a preparation phase. And they dream of restoring the dynasty. Maybe that's why Varré is obsessed with blood.

Thinking about that, the PC begins to feel a twinge of anger. Had they become too carried away, because of Varré?

And regarding the word 'revival of the dynasty', that Lord-something of this dynasty could be connected to a Demigod.

If the PC's speculation is correct, the ruler of the Morgwyn dynasty might possess a Great Rune. As evidence, grace is here, as always, transforming into a radiant arc that guides them deeper underground.

The PC's mind is made up. They will proceed further, defeat the lord of the dynasty, and seize the Great Rune.

Until now, they have taken the lives of various Tarnisheds and maidens, but it was all in pursuit of obtaining the Great Rune and becoming the King of Elden. It was a necessary sacrifice, that's how the PC thinks of it.

—

[ED07 - Mohgwyn Dynasty]

<EVENT: Varré ⑥>

In the corridor of the Dynasty Mausoleum, a red sign is floating. As the PC approached, they realized it was from the white mask Varré. If they touched it, they would enter Varré's world and be able to kill him. The PC thinks about what it means.

Who wrote this sign? They don't know, but it is clear that touching it would transform them into a red spirit to kill Varré.

It might be a convenient situation. After all, the PC's goal was to defeat the Lord of the Mohgwyn Dynasty and claim the Great Rune. It'd be best if they can eliminate Varré, who is scurrying around, before that. Suppressing a burst of laughter, the PC touched the sign.

In a similar place, at a similar time, Varré was there. He seemed surprised to see the PC's red form for a moment but then shook his head.

"I've made a grave error. You seek violence, heedless of my warning, though you have been raised to a knight of the dynasty?"

Varré seems to understand PC's intentions and held something resembling a bouquet in his hand.

"I'll ensure you regret this, my lambkin. Enjoy your miserable death."

Hysterically shouting, Varré lunged forward.

〔Normal Battle: "White Mask Varré"〕

Upon successfully defeating him, obtain <Varré's Bouquet>, <White Mask>, <War Surgeon's Gown>, and <Random Chest E070>. Then, continue reading.

After killing Varré, the PC returned to their original world. There, on the floor where the sign had been, lies Varré, dying.

"Why must I be... disgraced by this lowborn..."

Varré's murmured words were filled with anger. As his consciousness faded, Varré reached out into the void and cried out.

"O... Luminary... Mohg... Please grant... the strength... you promised! Varré has given... everything... Please... my lord..."

However, no one responded to Varré.

"Please, answer me... Luminary... Mohg. ...Aah…Aahh... ...Bless the Mohgwyn Dynasty, with love! Urghhh..."

Spilling a large amount of blood, Varré turned into light and disappeared.

[notes]

a. Varré is referred to as a man per 男 in introduction, but no gender related pronouns or such are used to describe him following that passage.

[multific]

A Love’s Worth

Duke Leto Atreides x Reader

Words: 3.2K

Summary: You changed for a man, a man you loved with all of your heart. Even if your look on life was different.  

After your marriage to Leto you had to abandon your home and your life. You learned to be a Lady, wife of a leader. 

You were no longer allowed to do the things you loved before all because you fell in love with Leto.

You knew who he was, you knew what people expected from him, you knew the same will be expected from you if you marry him.

But you loved him too much.

You left your home to be with him.

And he loved you. Oh how much he loved you. You were his everything, the love of his life, the mother to his child.

When Paul was born you felt love like never before. Suddenly, you didn't care about anything else but him. Your little boy and your husband became the two most important, nothing else mattered.

"Mommy, can you tell me again about your home?" asked Paul with shiny eyes. The barely four-year-old little man loved your bedtime stories.

"It is called, Kaidis. It is said the grass is greener there. Many animals roam the lands and the entire planet is a big forest."

"What kind of animals?" he asked as you tucked him in.

"All kinds, wolves, big cats, horses, zebras, but most importantly, dragons."

"Wooow."

"Dragons are the protectors of my planet, they are wise, strong and loyal. It is said that every person with Kaidis' blood has a dragon."

"Do you have one Mommy?"

"I sure do. A beautiful white one, I used to ride with her, fly in the sky and help people when I was young. Her name is-"

"Devora." Paul finished for you, knowing the story very well.

"Yes, and-"

"You should be asleep." came a voice from behind you, both you and Paul looked at your husband in the doorway.

"Mom was just finishing up her stories, Father." said Paul as he pouted.

"You should sleep now." Leto said again and you kissed Paul's head.

"Do as your Father says." you said before standing up and heading out.

"Mommy?"

"Yes?" you turned to look at Paul as you stood beside Leto.

"Do you think I have a dragon?" his question made you smile.

"Of course, you have, Sweetheart." Paul nodded, satisfied before he turned to sleep while you and Leto headed for your chambers.

"You should stop telling him useless stories." you turned from your dresser to look at Leto. "You are filling his mind with useless things. He should prepare to become Duke, not listen to fairy tales and creatures that don't exist."

"But they do exist."

"Stop it! Your delusion will harm our son." he let out a sigh. "Please, My Love, don't fill his head with useless stuff."

It hurt, it really did. You knew that people believe the people of Kaidis are delusional and weak. You knew they didn't believe your stories, your creatures. In the eyes of others, everyone was a liar, dragons didn't exist, no huge wolves or cats. They didn't listen to the forest.

And you were okay with that, if they wanted to be blind, so be it.

But the fact that your own husband didn't even let you tell your stories to your own child, hurt on another level.

"I won't tell him anything anymore. I promise." Leto gave you a nod as he rounded the bed and laid down. 

---

Throughout the years, you kept your promise. No matter how much Paul would ask for stories, you didn't tell him anything.

And now, as he grew older, it seemed as if he forgot everything you told him. 

He became a true Atreides. A true leader.

And with the love you and Leto gave him, you both knew, one day he will be a great leader himself.

"My Duke you have an invitation to the planet Chusuk. Their leader, house of Terra invited you and many other lords. Looks like from all over the system."

"We will go, Steve Terra is an old friend of House Atreides, and I'm interested in what he has to say. Paul is coming with me." Leto nodded as he finished his food.

"And the Lady?" asked a maid, presumably she wished to know if she needed to pack your dresses.

"No, she is not required." Leto's answer was immediate and you felt yourself sinking back into your chair.

While it was true that lately your husband and you haven't been on good terms, this was something else.

You had an argument when he wanted to rebuild your gardens. Your gardens. The one you grew yourself. He wanted to just demolish it all because as he said 'It didn't please his eyes' but you have grown to love those plants, you swore they spoke with you as you helped them grow. 

Just another thing your husband took away from you, your marriage has grown cold, and you suspected he had lovers. Whores. Although you had no proof, even just the thought made you ill.

They left the next day to visit house Terra, while you stayed home.

"My Lady, we have a ship incoming." said Duncan as he approached. The poor soul was left with you to take care of you. You did like the man so, you had no issues with him as your bodyguard for the time being.

"Are they already home?"

"Not our ship."

When you saw the ship, you immediately gave permission for it to land.

It was your sister.

"My sister it has been so long." you said as you hugged her and she hugged you back.

"I came because we received an invite from Terra."

"So did we, Paul and Leto already left."

"The invite was sent out to all leaders, and technically, you are the leader of Kaidis. So, I came to you sister and ask you to represent your home."

"I am not able to you know that, I gave you power when I married."

"I am aware, but I can't go myself, I have other matters so, please represent Kaidis, My Queen."

You should have asked further questions, you should have told her no, you were a part of the house of Atreides no longer the Princess of Kaidis.

But then why were you on this ship? Why were you changing into appropriate clothes? And why were you smiling so much? And why was Duncan also changing?

---

"My dear old friend, Leto."

"Hi Steve." the two leaders greeted one another as Leto got off of his ship. "My son, Paul." 

"Last time I saw you, you were still in your mother." Steve said with a smile. "Good to see you grew up into a strong man, given your mother... But we are not here to talk about that."

Paul made a face, understanding the implication the man just made about his mother he expected his father to take action. 

When his father did nothing Paul felt a pain in his heart. 

Then another ship landed, all men heard it but didn't react as Leto went over with Paul to greet another House.

Then the announcer said, out loud.

"The Queen of Kaidis from House Y/L/N." this made almost everyone turn.

Just in time to see you walk towards them, a long robe following you, your hair curled, your skin glowing. Your dress all earth tones, littered with stones and gems. Your crown is simple, on your forehead.

You walked so elegantly. You looked like a real Goddess.

Everyone's eyes were on you.

Paul did notice Idaho behind his mother, following closely in similar clothing.

"Queen... so old fashioned." Paul heard someone mention as he turned and gave them a look.

"Didn't expect the Queen herself." Steve stepped over and kissed your knuckles. 

"The Queen couldn't come, so she asked me."

"Technically you are still the Queen so..."

"Exactly her words. But my sister did send gifts." you mentioned as people started to bring in chests. "Hope you and your wife will enjoy them."

Steve made a face seeing the gifts.

"How did you know?" he asked with a low voice.

"We always know." you smiled before heading to greet the others. 

"Mother, didn't expect to see you here." said Paul as he stepped over to you. "You look... amazing." you smiled.

"Thank you, Love." you turned to Leto, and offered him a smile.

Leto looked at his man as if expecting him to do something. But Idaho only smiled at his Duke.

"You should have seen her smile, My Duke." he said as he followed you towards the others.  

House Terra had a gorgeous palace. Lots of open spaces.

During lunch, Steve Terra announced the reason he gathered everyone. His wife standing beside him, you already knew.

"I gathered everyone here to announce that my wife is expecting our first child." amazing news, you smiled and clapped as everyone else.

Lunch went on as some Lords offered their... services... for you, which you all declined, but everyone could feel the cold air between you and Leto.

It surely didn't stop people from making comments. Paul heard them all. They were mainly about your title, family and beliefs.

"Did you know they believe in dragons?" one lord said with a disgusting tone.

"Delusional women. This is exactly why I wouldn't have one on the throne or in power." replied the other. 

Their conversation made Paul disgusted as he felt anger rising in him, not only towards the lords but his father, who sat there listening to all of this, not doing anything.

But the mention of Dragons did open Paul's eyes. Suddenly as if his memories were locked away, everything came back like a cold shower. 

The stories you told him as a child about these magical beings. 

Paul looked at his father, who only took a sip from his drink.

"She betrayed us." Leto said barging into his chambers after lunch, Paul following closely. 

"She did not." Paul argued.

"She appeared out of her House, she represented the House Y/L/N when she is house Atreides."

"She didn't do anything that would mean be-"

"Why are you arguing with me Paul?" Leto turned to his son.

"Because no one seems to realize that she is my mother. Not even you, Father. You keep going on about betrayal and all those when we know it is not the case. She said it herself, her sister couldn't appear so she came. It is no betrayal. The real betrayal is that I never even knew I had an aunt."

"Paul-" Leto started but Paul cut him off.

"You are a great father, no doubt about that, but you never stand up for her, never protect her." Paul watched as his father got angry. But he didn't stop. "These people have been talking badly about her from the moment we arrived and you did nothing. Do you even love her?" Leto shot a glare at Paul. "Then act like it, because I'm not sure if she knows anymore."

Leto hated to admit but his son was right. 

He fucked up and now he needed to apologize. But how can one simply apologize for all those years?

Leto found you in the gardens, of course. You looked at all the different flowers as you smiled at them.

"You are growing nicely, I used to have one just like you." you said and the pain in Leto's heart grew.

He made a small noise to alert you of his presence as you turned to look at him. When you saw him, you turned back to the flower and he decided to be honest and frank.

"How could I apologize for a lifetime of mistakes I have made?"

"Maybe, an 'I'm so sorry, My Love'? Could be a start." you said as you kneeled and pulled out a weed from beside the flower.

"I know it wouldn't be enough, no matter how many times I say this but I truly am very sorry, My Love. My Father fed me these lies about your people, and I was no better once I grew up. And I did the same to Paul. They say your people are blind but it is not true, we are blind, you see the beauty most people walk right past. I'm sorry for not being better. I'm sorry for locking you out and for all those things I said. I truly love you and I hope that one day you can forgive me." by the time he finished you stood up and turned to him.

You are pleased to not see the great Duke in front of you but instead that boy you met and fell in love with many nights ago. You opened your mouth, trying to form the question you feared getting an answer to for the last months. Leto, as if reading your mind replied.

"I do not have any lovers, never did, never will. You are the one I love and crave, no one else. I beg you to give me another chance and be your husband, a better husband."

"Each time you looked at me like I was some crazy old lady, it hurt. I couldn't tell Paul about my home, about who I used to be. It did hurt but nothing hurt more than when you push me away. I know you are busy and that you have responsibilities and duties and whatnot. I do not expect for you to arrive back to me, ready to hear me talk when you heard people talk all day. I do not expect you to touch me every night. But a small kiss and a gentle greeting would be appreciated. I love you Leto, which is why I stayed and it will never change. I will stay with you as I vowed but I don't want to hide anymore."

"And you don't have to. We will build a new garden, I kept some of your flowers, I'm sorry for taking that away from you. In my eyes, it symbolized my failure as a husband, and I couldn't look at it."

"We will rebuild." you took a step, placing your hand against his cheek as you smiled. Rebuild your garden and your relationship.

Leto leaned over and placed a kiss on your lips. Something you missed greatly. 

"We can fix this, I know we can." he said as he pulled back.

"We will." you smiled again.

---

Kaidis was a planet Paul imagined during his childhood but even his imagination couldn't be as amazing as it really was.

The trees, the flowers and so so many animals.

"They are all tame, even the largest ones, if you wish to pet them." you told Paul as his eyes shined, much like how they did when he was a child.

As you all got off the ship, your sister greeted you all. Hugging Paul.

"You were only a baby when I last saw you, you grew a lot." she said as Paul smiled, his aunt was just as lovely and caring as his mother, he definitely saw the resemblance. 

"It's time for you to see the other side of your blood. You were born to be an Atreides, but you are also a Y/L/N." she said as she grabbed his arm and guided him. You and Leto stayed behind, letting Paul on his own.

"I want you to meet someone." you said to Leto as he followed you through the garden into the woods.

"She is here somewhere." you said as Leto watched all kinds of animal scatter as they saw him.

"What are those?" he said pointing at an animal he has never saw before.

"Deers. Their antlers are quite something right? They are gentle but they don't trust people." you grabbed his hand as you guided him. Much like a child he pointed at every other animal asking what it was and you explained.

Then a noise Leto has never heard before. A cold shiver ran down his spine as he looked around with alarm. 

"It's okay." you told your husband as you took another step towards the clearing in the woods. "Devora." you said as you saw the huge beast emerge from the woods. 

Leto was not the kind of man who got scared easily. But this thing, it was huge, with even bigger teeth and wings. It was white but it also weirdly shined in the light. 

"Dragon." he said as you rushed over to this huge beast. "Y/N!" he meant to yell at you, stop you but you didn't, all he saw was you running into your death with open arms.

"I missed you my friend." you said as you touched its head. The giant beast laid on the ground, allowing you to pet it. "He's my husband, be nice." you told her before you turned back to Leto.

"It's okay, she won't hurt you."

"Are you sure?"

"Do you think I'd let her eat you?"

"After I destroyed your garden... perhaps?"

"Well, okay, but still, come."

He took slow steps as he watched this huge dragon, when it moved even if it was just a small movement, Leto stopped as you giggled.

"Come on, she won't hurt you. She listens to me."

"How could you tame a beast like her?"

"How could you tame a beast like me, My Duke?" he wanted to laugh but the dragon moved and he forgot to breathe. Leto looked into it's yellow eyes as he touched her.

"Dragons are real, and as much as the entire galaxy wants it to believe that we are all delusional, we aren't."

"Why don't you show them then?"

"They are not worthy to know, as you said, they are blind. And dragons are at least safe like this. No one comes to hunt them or hurt them. I will rather be called a delusional woman than let anyone hurt these precious beings."

Oh how much he loved you was beyond every word. 

"Let's go for a fly!" you said as you started to move towards the back of Devora. 

"What? Fly? On this thing?"

"Is it that the mighty Duke Atreides is scared?"

"I'm not scared of flying planes, ships but a dragon..."

"You can fly all the ships and planes, I fly dragons."

In the end you tricked him, pulled him close enough for Devora to move and he ended up behind you in her saddle. And up up up she went.

Through the clouds, Leto could barely breathe. The experience was entirely different from flying a ship. He felt so free.

So free and so in love. His arm moved from around you and reached out to a cloud.

"I'm so sorry."

"I forgive you. You couldn't have known."

"I should have listened when you told Paul. I shouldn't have told you to stop. This world is beyond everything. I love you so much." he placed a kiss onto your shoulder as you took Devora down, going back to the palace.

"Mother! Is that?" asked Paul as he rushed over to you.

"Devora." you told him as he smiled.

"Wow."

Leto moved as he pulled you close to him and kissed you. It was weird to kiss him like this, but you did feel the fire in him reignite. 

Taglist: imreadinggoaway @fleursirvart​​ @v-2bucky ehsebastiancrunch-time-sports  @pxstelrainbow ablogbypeteparker liamssmilersmexylemony @greenarrowhead feelingsareharddd @thisismysecrethappyplace @sincerelyfan @theoneanna @aestheticsandmarvel @rororo06 @castellandiangelo @avengers-r-us @destynelseclipsa   @spilledinkindumpster celebsimagine @capsiclesdoll snoopy3000 @firstangeldragonranch @puknow @crazzyter  @alwayshave-faith @soleil-dor @alex12948 scream-kiwi79  @lxdyred  @imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl​ @liveforkarljacobs @anonymoussherlockandmarvelgeek​​ @paola-carter​​ @stunkbiggu

~Masterlist~

ˇAO3ˇ

             DO NOT REPOST OR TRANSLATE ANY OF MY WORKS