#OCD (once again: just trust me on this one)

[autism-swagger]

Tory Nichols is the type of guy to relate to Never Get To Know by Paul Baribeau

[clarity2electricboogaloo]

Outsiders shit. Some modern some not idfk

These are all like. The most crack-filled hcs ever, please excuse my brain 🙏🏽🙏🏽 if these don’t make sense to you, tell me

- dally is so headstrong that the moment someone bets he can’t do something, he does it

- the gang takes advantage of this

- (this is a method I use on my younger siblings 😭😭)

- dally can walk in heels

- also two bit. Like scarily well. His sister is amazed.

- pony calls people whore

- Johnny calls people thot

- they say these to each other on a regular basis.

- also hoe

- uhhh where was I

- something something gay something something 70s 80s smth pony and Johnny because Johnny never died frfr no cap

- Johnny: “I can’t believe yall vape smh”

- also Johnny: *pulls out a cigarette for each hand*

- pony does the same thing

- twobit and Marcia are either gay-lesbian solidarity or they’re dating, no in between

- if they’re gay, they’re a beard couple just like “we pretend to date, they can’t catch on” “I like the way you think, woman”

- ily twobit matthews. That’s all.

- twobit and Marcia are actually both Hispanic, its canon trust I was there

- dally types “women ☕️” in instagram comment sections

- also “it’s bc I’m a man isn’t it”

- (ty V on discord for that second one 🙏🏽🙏🏽)

- cherry and dally argue on twitter

- a lot

- dally spams cherry and then she absolutely COOKS this pathetic rat man

- dally blocks cherry, doesn’t talk to her for a while, then eventually forgets and unblocks her to harass the poor girl again

- cherry doesn’t realize blocking is a thing, but she complains to marcia and marcia shows her how to block Dallas

- dally, two bit, and Steve are all hopelessly addicted to twitter

- like it’s really fucking bad

- someone get these mfs off the internet

- dally therapy

- now

- right fucking now

- cherry valance and ponyboy bisexual man/bisexual woman solidarity

- they are besties

- nothing more nothing less

- change my mind

- (you cant)

- marcia “good luck babe” by Chappell roan

- pony autism

- Johnny audhd

- Darry autism

- soda audhd or just adhd

- I saw someone say dally ocd once and I like it so

- dally ocd

- twobit adhd

- Steve adhd

- everyone trauma :D

- when johnny actually lived after the fire bc thats what actually happened actually fr, he left his parents because he realized they didn’t love him (pulling from the “I don’t wanna see her” scene for this)

- he stays with the curtis boys most of if not all the time

- if soda and Darry are gone, pony will grab Johnny and they’ll sleep together

- not in a weird way you freaks

- pony just genuinely cannot sleep

- I may or may not be influenced by fics I’ve read…

- soda saw them one night when he got home late and was like “…queers?”

- he stays out a bit later than usual now, often found sleeping in another room

- Darry actually supports more than pony thought, when he comes out, Darry is like a pride parade mom frfr

- kinda lowkey overbearing with it

- ily Darrel curtis

- soda is the typa guy to genuinely not understand lgbtq+ but supports anyways

- sodas the typa guy to be asked what his pronouns are and say “just he/him. Wish I had smth more interesting, but I’m just a guy :D”

- on the other end of that, soda and Steve are gay

- everyone is gay

- all of them

- so very fucking gay

Im done yapping for now, im so sorry for anyone that sees this

[berylcups]

Hey, just wanted to know what do you think La Squadra members would avoid while looking for a s/o. So basically their biggest turn offs.

I love your posts btw 😍

Thank you so much 😭😭😭 your encouragement is like drugs to meeeeeeee

This was a fun one to do- thank you so much for asking 🤩 it really made me put my thinking cap on! 🧠

La Squadra No-Gos in an S/O

CW: Suggestive Content aka Melone being Melone

Notes: this was fun to write! Remember we all have our flaws and the squad loves you REGARDLESS! 🥰 💜 Beryl

Visually there’s nothing that the guys don’t like. It doesn’t matter what your skin color is, what your ethnicity is, where you’re from, your neurodiversity, your mental illnesses, how tall you are, or how much you weigh. They’ll love you all the same! ❤️ But it’s what’s on the inside is where they get picky…

Risotto

Self centered/ overly needy- This leader is always thinking about others and nothing irks him more than someone who only thinks about themself. It just makes him think of the boss when an S/O gets greedy or demanding, expecting him to use all of his mental, physical, and financial resources only on them. He deserves some love and care too! But he won’t admit or demand that because he’s too proud of a man. Just be patient and wait your turn and he will always have the time for you. It might not be all the time you want but he does dedicate time just for you.

He just can’t handle someone who’s overly needy. You're going to have needs. He knows that. He’s going to tend to you at a higher level than he does his own men. Don’t demand too much out of this exhausted man. He’s probably not in the mood to go out on a big date but he’s going to come home to you and give you a big hug and kiss and listen to you about how your day went. He’s going to tell you how much he missed you and help you make dinner. He’s not going to be here every time for your beck and call. But he’s going to come back to you every time he has a moment to himself because he loves you that damn much.

Formaggio

- Judgmental / perfectionism- This man goes with the flow when it comes to life. He’s a very laidback man without any plans. So don’t get irritable when he doesn’t have huge goals or aspirations. There’s nothing more that irks him is a judgmental perfectionist. If you mess something up don’t worry about it! You can always do it again. Not everything needs to be in order! He doesn’t mind a little cat hair on his shirt or the fact he throws his dirty laundry by the washing machine on the floor. He’ll get to it when he’s ready.

Don’t be so judgmental- there’s no one correct way to live life. He isn’t telling you how to live so don’t tell him! He understands if you have something debilitating like OCD. We all got our issues. He just doesn’t really want to be nagged or bossed around. Want him to clean up the house? Just ask nicely and zaddy will take care of it for ya! That’s all it takes! He’ll work on being a little more organized as long as you work on yourself too! He’s your biggest supporter and he’ll let you know it!

Illuso

Dishonesty/ cheating- he absolutely hates it when someone lies to him. Just be honest with him! He has eyes and ears everywhere—the mirrors. So he knows if you’re talking shit or plan on cheating on him. Don’t even say it’s all a misunderstanding! Once that trust is lost, it’s lost forever. He doesn’t let people in very easily so expects you to be a loyal faithful s/o. He acts like a man who thinks relationships will “chain you down” but he only acts that way due to past relationships going sour, almost always surprisingly with him the one getting cheated on.

He doesn’t expect you to put up with his bullshit or sass! He knows when he needs to be put in his place. But if you’re his s/o he won’t really tease you. He’s a very sensitive guy but will only share that side of himself with you. So don’t be going around spilling his secrets or making fun of his sensitive side. His trust is just that fragile.

If you treat him kindly, he will treat you like a god/dess. He’s undeniably the most loving and loyal man you’ll ever have as long as you’re faithful and don’t play with his heart.

Pesci

Negativity/ Cynicism- This sweet guy is a huge empath. So there’s nothing he dislikes more is someone who is super cynical or super negative. He’s like a biiiiig emotional sponge. If you’re feeling bad, HES FEELING BAD. He has low self esteem and can understand if you do too but the relationship won’t last long if you’re both being emotional anchors weighing each other down. 😞 You’re allowed to have your bad days! Everyone has bad days. But let him try to pep you up and let you know that things will pass and you’ll see the light of another happy day again. Don’t push him away and have a pity party! Show him a smile through those tears! 😚 and do the same for him. Be each others amateur therapists and cheerleaders! 📣

Prosciutto

Passive Aggression/ Bad Communication- There’s nothing that irritates this no nonsense man who beats around the bush. Say what you need to say damn it! He’s very transparent with you about what he wants and expects. He wants the same from you! So if you got beef with him, say it, don’t be passive aggressive about it. He needs clear communication from you. You aren’t going to “hurt his feelings”. He’s a grown ass man/adult and can handle some criticism as long as it’s constructive of course. Don’t go all out insulting him. He won’t stand for that, and he doesn’t expect you to stand for it either! Let him know if he’s being too harsh. LET HIM KNOW EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM. 👏 A healthy functioning relationship is ALLLLL about communication!

Melone

Rigidness/ Closed minded- Anything goes with this guy. He’s all about trying new things. New foods, new vacation spots, new fashion trends, new cultures, new sex positions.

He doesn’t like someone who’s super close minded and won’t at least try something. You need to get out of your comfort zone just a little bit! Do you know how much you’re potentially missing out on??? Melone knows. He doesn’t want to have to beg you (unless he’s in the bedroom) to try every little thing! He KNOWS you’re not going to like everything and he KNOWS you’re going to be NERVOUS! And that’s okay! He’s here for you and he’s not going to take offense because you didn’t like something. Everybody’s different and that’s what makes the world so interesting but you have to be able to give in a little and let loose or else this relationship just won’t work! He doesn’t expect you to try everything, somethings you just know that you won’t like. Hate chewy textures? Then you probably won’t like the shrimp or the calamari. You know your body best! He just wants to make as many firsts with you and fill his photo album of you two 💜

Ghiaccio

Impatience / no empathy: Now before you call him a hypocrite try to understand his side of the story. He’s neurodivergent and he has to constantly adjust to his environment. His senses are always being overwhelmed. He needs someone who’s Autistic too, neurodivergent in another way, or just understands him. He can’t have someone snapping back at him to calm down and stop being so angry all the time! He’s not doing it because he wants to! He loves being calm!

He has no time for an argumentative s/o that isn’t understanding with him. He’s really a sweet guy when he isn’t on edge. Make him a meal with all his sides separate, and make sure the texture is juuuusssst right. Don’t get upset when he’s getting annoyed with the tag on the back of his shirt bothering him or if he doesn’t have the right socks for his shoes. He hates the scratchy material of cheap socks…he likes them super soft! If he gets irritated about an idiom let him rant it out. Maybe take the time to explain to him what it means if he doesn’t know. He still might be annoyed but he’ll thank you for sitting through one of his rants.

This may sound like a tall order but trust me on this-he’s easy to please because he likes the same thing every time. He will always repay your patience with the utmost gratitude!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for lying to my friends and causing someone to end their life?

🫐☎️🧼 

So I can find this later

Trigger warning for suicide. 

In this situation I'm aware I fucked up badly multiple times, but I want to know for sure whether I was in the wrong. I went through the FAQ to check that this submission is okay and sorry if there's something disqualifying it I didn catch!

I (minor) was active in an online group where I made some online friends. The group was for preteens, teens, and very young adults (13-21.) I befriended one person, Blueberry (fake name, because emoji) and we became close over a few months. At one point they admitted they had a crush on me I didn't feel the same, but we agreed to stay friends and it didn't affect the friendship.

One thing about this group is that it was aimed at mental health. Me and this person had similar problems with depression and suicidal thoughts (both actively suicidal) and often talked when one of us was in a dark place. When Blueberry turned 18 things took a turn for the worst. Multiple times a week they had panic attacks (they were in the process of getting diagnosed with OCD and bad intrusive thoughts) or crisis and attempted several times. I got overwhelmed. Instead of establishing a boundary like I should have, I started ghosting them for a few hours if it got too bad. It got to the point I'd log on once or twice a day to check in, but instead of ever chatting, the conversation always ended in their next plan to kill themselves. This one was my fault, as we'd had casual convos about this stuff in the main group. I and others did what we could to help, like providing support and helplines. Blueberry did contact many and it saved them lots. 

By this point Blueberry had done lots of other risky stuff. They lashed out and blocked a lot of mutual friends, made a fake account to pretend to be a young teen at one point (but deleted it when I asked), and other things. I didn't want to lose them as a friend so I covered for Blueberry when it was exposed. I should point out Blueberry was never mean to me they were really nice. They liked to learn about my interests and complimented me and others lots and I tried to do the same (learn about what they liked, tell them I was happy to hear from them, etx)

Obviously people of the group felt betrayed when they found out Blueberry was catfishing them as this younger teen. In Blueberry's own words, I was "the only one they could trust." Blueberry admitted again that they wanted to be more than friends, but since they were now 18 and I was still a few years younger than them I asked to just be friends because the age gap was uncomfy. They were okay with it. The next day, Blueberry said goodbye to me and deleted their account. I was really upset by this and we talked one last time where I wished them well and said how much I'd miss them but didn't think something was seriously wrong because Blueberry and me had discussed them leaving the group before because it was hurting their mental health. 

Later a friend of both Blueberry and me reached out about their behavior the days before they left and some conversations I hadn't seen. All of us are pretty sure they didn't just delete their account—they killed themself. The goodbye message proved this. I was upset and angry that they were dead, said sorry to the group for lying to them about Blueberry catfishing, and left the group.

I think I may be the asshole here because I was really selfish here in not wanting to address Blueberry's really creepy catfishing (pretending to be a young teen, which knowing that they had romantic feelings for me could have led to them befriending people lots younger than them which is bad) because I didn't want to lose the friendship, and also because if I hadn't ghosted Blueberry using mental health as an excuse I don't think they would have killed themselves. If I am the asshole here, what could I do better next time if I have a similar problem again? 

[youunravelme]

Who are some other writers we should check out?

Love your fic recs 😁

omg i LOVE this ask! (and i love that you trust me to rec things/blogs/fics! it's a huge honor)

i'm gonna put this under a read more because there's a lot of people i think are worth following (and if i rec'ed you and got your pronouns wrong, please tell me and i'll fix it!)

so i'm gonna attempt to organize this list by player. disclaimer: i don't read for every hockey player in existence.

mat barzal (obvi number one bc he's the loml)

@barzysunflower - lolo (she/her) is the first mat barzal writer i actually read and when i tell you i binged her masterlist???? it's so good, my favs are the you are in love series and the unexpected series!

@thewintersoldierdisaster - literally anything she writes is great, i go feral for it tbh. she writes for a few canes players as well, but my favs are the mat fics (for obvious reasons being that i'm in love with him). especially the fics with the baby (whose name i cannot remember) and when mat calls reader squeaks???? i'm in love.

@islesnucks - clara (she/her) has so many good mat fics and headcanons (seriously, headcanons are underrated and need more love in general). i think she was also a writer that made me fall in love with mat because she just writes him as the dream romantic hero every single time.

@hockeywhy - i am almost positive that they are tired of me tagging them, but the truth is, they are the writer of my all time fav mat series caught in the middle! but they also have other great mat fics and matthew tkachuk fics that i've enjoyed almost as much! i don't think they're as active anymore writing wise BUT if you want amazing writing and haven't checked them out, you should!

auston matthews

@bagopucks - ella (she/her) hands down my fav auston series is her single mom!reader series. it's the perfect balance of angst and found family and it's just flat out wonderful. she also has a masterlist full of other fics too, that series just happens to be my favorite. but if you wanted another fav of mine, read the jack hughes fic "a little funky," it's about a reader with ocd and as someone with ocd, it was really impactful!

jack hughes

@chewingcyanide - emme (she/they) literally writes the most poetic fics i think i've ever read. everytime she publishes something new, i am stunned. seriously, i honestly take notes from her writing style. stories aside, if you wanted to become a better writer, check out her stuff, it'll really inspire you to use more descriptive words! her breakable heaven series is what introduced me to her writing and it's phenomenal!

@babydollmarauders - faithlynn (she/her) i'm almost positive that faithlynn was the first hockey writer i really followed because jack hughes was my gateway drug into the hockey world. she has so many fun series and aus going on not only for jack but for other devils players, so if you love the devils, definitely check her out!

@jackhues - naqia (she/her) also has a really fun series called mockingbird and it's technically more focused on the friendship/brother-sister relationship jack's gf (reader) and quinn have but it's really sweet. she also has a great auston au as well!

others

@ladylooch - b (she/her) is great! i put her in this category because i feel like she writes a lot for a lot of different players. i've loved her stuff with nico and mat alike. she also has a pretty consistent schedule as well from what i've gathered (which, girl, share your secrets please)

@troubatrain - kim (she/her) wrote my fav beau fic (set it up) and has written some really good fics for matthew tkachuk too! i absolutely adore the soccer player!reader fic and the blurbs that go along with it!

@comphersjost - m (she/they) again, i've said it once, i'll say it again SHE WROTE MY FAV MATT SERIES OF ALL TIME (all for you). I GO BACK AND READ IT OFTEN. literally had me weeping at times. she also wrote some other fics for auston that i've really enjoyed as well!

@sydnikov - sydney (she/her) has written some realyl great fics for andrei and some for nico hischier and jack hughes (and a few others i think, but those are the ones i've read) and they're just fantastic! she's also a canes fan if you want more canes content!

feel free to reblog this with your own author recommendations (in fact i highly encourage it! there are so many good writers on this godforsaken site and these are just the authors i find myself reblogging every time they post!

[doctorpandorica]

So Fanfiction, Deadpool and Wolverine, and Logan, made have a fucking epiphany about my mental health. Seeing it sky rocket at the box office, gives me hope that A, I am not alone and B, the world can be a better place. And I have to say, I really do believe both Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman deserve the world.

For the first time in my life yesterday, I looked at myself and thought I look pretty. The FUCKING kicker is I did again this morning and I felt the same way. Maybe just a baby step, but it's a step in the right fucking direction mother fuckers. But, How did I get here (Yes, I'm pulling this shit on you).....

I have horrendous fear of endings and I finally learned....or accepted it's because it's symptomatic of my misery. Things like desperation, depression and anxiety can trick you into the allure of mistaking familiarity as comforting, even when it's hurting you. That you are far less that what you are actually and are deserving of far less than you actually do, that the consequences of our choices are proof that our pessimistic view is the whole of reality.

But, it's only half of the truth and that is the majesty of realism, seeing the glass is both half full and half empty. The best understanding of Pessimism, Optimism and realism can be explained in a quote by William Arthur Ward. Where the three are stuck out at sea on a sail boat,

"The Pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."

To make the best choices in life you need to see every possibility and my heart goes out to those that are so blinded by pessimism, hope seems like fairy tale. I mean it's hard enough even if you can see things are possible but, it's still a bitch of an up road battle.

Which brings me to one of the most devastating ones in my life, the death of my dad. I always wondered how someone who seemed so sure of himself, could understand my pain so well. In hindsight I knew he had very hard life, it shouldn't have surprised me that he not only had crippling OCD, Anxiety but, depressions that at times reached suicidal ideations.

I was more my father's daughter than I realized, and took those fucking movie, to really appreciate what that meant.

Don't blindly accept things, ask questions.

If I had, I would've realized it's not that I don't care what others think, I'm really fucking depressed. And that's why I don't put effort in what I wear, or personal hygiene or wear make up. Never assume to know who you are, that's part of the majesty of life, that not knowing.

You never truly fail, until you give up.

For more clarity , I would like to add, some words of wisdom from a beloved science teacher,

"If at first you don't succeed, find out why"

Treat people fairly, across the board "Give people a chance"

To be sparingly coupled with, both

Trust your gut

This requires a lot of hard work, with self regulation and introspection. I've found DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy to be very helpful. Which I must add the following because, I was wrongfully diagnosed with Autism (feeds into the dangers of acceptance). My therapist who diagnosed me ironically introduced to me the saving grace that is DBT. But, told me it wouldn't help me because I am autistic which she came to the conclusion based on ...

Flat Effect

Only developed when I hit puberty, the same time I developed depression and anxiety. People don't develop autism later on in their life, they are born with it.

Black and white thinking

If anything I think this is the problem with society and for anyone to say this about me, has obviously never heard me talk about anything. I found this utterly insulting

Anger prone

Repressed emotions and didn't start happening until 20's

Lack of Eye contact

I get really nervous around meeting new people, particularly if they stand really close to me for some fucking reason.  Once I get to know people I have no problem looking them in the eye.

Lack of Socialization

Low self-esteem brought on by my Depression

Social Anxiety and general Anxiety (fear of doing something wrong)

I actually do have a desire to socialize, but mistook relief after social based anxious episodes as me not liking it.

The same was done with someone very close to me, who was told they were Bipolar even though it didn't fit. They chose to trust they 're doctor, and was proven insanely wrong by they're new Doctor who aptly diagnosed them as having Borderline Personality and they are doing so much better.

Anyway I participated in a DBT group for about 16 weeks or so, one of which was diagnosed late in life with a form of autism. And the difference by the end of those weeks only strengthened my faith in DBT.

Don't start anything, but always finish

Don't go looking for a fight but, stand up for yourself when necessary, emphasis on necessary.

As long as people aren't hurting others or themselves, mind your own business

For some people this can be tricky, especially for those guided by their idealized narratives of the world. Again DBT can help with this in the grand scheme of things.

I mistakenly thought, that because I didn't seem to react how I would expect (bad assumptions) that I was fine. Even though, I was able to acknowledge that I was deeply depressed, which I was able to trace back to age 11, which for clarity was 20 years ago. Which fun fact I only discovered in my senior year of high school, followed by my anxiety a year later my first year of college. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE !!! EVEN IF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW!!! HAPPYNESS MAY NOT BE A CHOICE BUT THE PATH TO IT IS!!!

More In-depth analysis of how Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds and Marvel factor into follow in follow up post. Because This post is too damn long, already. Thank you to those who read it all the way through , I wish you contentment.

[beemovieerotica]

if you feel comfortable with sharing, can you explain the process for the psilocybin trial? like what you had to do, who was with you in the room, the people involved, ect.

Oh for sure!

The whole process took about 4 months from the initial screening survey to the first actual treatment. (I still have another treatment scheduled for a couple weeks from now, as of writing this).

To get started, I filled out a survey online, sent an e-mail to their point of contact, did a brief phone interview, and then I was enrolled.

I had 2 big in-person pre-treatment events, and the first was a full 8-hour day of psychological and physical screenings (lots and lots of surveys) - including an in-person sit-down with a psychiatrist going through basically everything in my past. Adverse events, my childhood, life stress, relationships, anything that might come up during the psilocybin session and that plays a part in aggravating OCD.

I also talked with an OCD specialist, another remote psychiatrist, and did a full physical with their medical team, got a complete blood panel done, and an EKG since hallucinogens can cause spikes in blood pressure, and I would have been screened out if I had any cardiac conditions.

Once I got the all-clear on my blood panel and EKG reading, I was able to move on to he second in-person visit. It was a full day of EEG testing to get my baseline brain activity down - they hooked me up to a monitor with electrodes on my head, and I played a lot of very boring video games, did memory tests, and they showed me distressing, neutral, and happy images to see what my reaction was - again, for a full 8-ish hour day.

All of these in-person visits required urine drug screenings - I was not allowed to take THC or any other substance for the duration of the study. Specific prescription medications are also not allowed.

We then set the date for my actual dosing sessions and I was assigned two guides. One of them is an MD + psychiatrist, the other is a psychiatrist. I had three prep sessions with them, going in-depth and basically letting them know who I am and why I want to do all this, and they were there to answer any questions I had and help get me mentally prepared. Overall we wanted to establish trust & safety, because they would be the two people watching over me and interacting with me during my session.

I went in-person two days before my session to see the space where I would be tripping and meet my guides face to face. The space is a very soothing psychiatrist's office type place with a sofa, comfy chairs, nice carpeting, and peaceful pictures on the walls. My guides are awesome - they were selected for me by the point of contact who had helped me through most of the screening, who worked to match participants with study staff. There's always an open line of communication - I've been able to text and call them with concerns, and I was also notified that if I want to change guides at any point (or if I want to drop out of the study altogether) I can do so with no repercussions.

The dosing session was a full 9-5 day: I arrived at 8:30 to do a urine drug screening, fill out surveys, and then I took a blue pill and waited for the effects to kick in. The whole session was recorded for my safety and for accountability of the guides.

The sofa had been converted to a bed - I was asked, as much as possible, to just lie down, put on a sleep mask to block out any vision / light, and wear noise-canceling headphones with a pre-selected playlist of instrumental music on it. I really enjoyed the playlist (lol) I felt like it set the tone for a lot of the revelations I had, and they genuinely did a great job choosing tracks.

The whole point was to minimize outside influences and to have the participants look inward and work on themselves. The guides offered two options for physical reassurance: if I wanted, I could put my hand out and one of them would come over and ask, "Do you want your hand held?" and if I replied affirmatively, they would hold my hand firmly until I asked them to stop. They also offered a "shoulder touch" - firm pressure on the shoulder - but I only took the hand hold for about a half hour on the come-up before sailing off on my own.

They also said that I was completely free to remove the headphones and mask and talk to them at any point if it became overwhelming - they would engage with me as much as I needed to, but they would gently encourage participants to re-enter the "default state" (lying down, eyes closed, music on).

I ended up only talking to them when I needed bathroom breaks - they walked me over to the bathroom (no lock), waited outside, and walked me back to make sure I didn't fall.

They had a medical kit in the room, and I was told that if my blood pressure ever reached a concerning point, they had sub-lingual meds that could lower it and put me back in a safe zone. My BP was fine the whole time, and other than my heart rate being a bit high from initial anxiety, it leveled off as soon as the peak hit.

I was in it, processing and crying for the whole 5 hours of the trip and only responding when they needed to take my blood pressure and heart rate (at first every 5 minutes, then 30 minutes, then every hour - this was done with minimal interruption, I barely noticed it happening). After the trip, I came out of it and talked to them and processed a little bit of what had happened still on the video recording - they were really curious about big first impressions and highlights of the trip. I filled out a bunch of surveys. Spouse came and picked me up, and I was asked to do a full write-up at home capturing everything I'd experienced on the trip.

I'm currently in the "in-between" phase and am doing my check-ins and processing of the first trip before I do my second one next-next week. The full study length is six months long - I'm going to keep doing check-ins and surveys into next year to see if the positive effects actually stick around for that long. Six months is kind of the gold standard for a lot of clinical trials, and I think it's also about as long as they can usually retain people and keep them responding to surveys lol. I'm trying to think if I've missed anything, let me know if you have any other questions!

[youuuimeanmee]

RWTGI 36 - 37.2 Thoughts

Forgive the 3 chapters at once, lol. If you want to read my thoughts on the latest chapter, it's on down below!

Chapter 36

If you tell me 2 years ago that Yoshino would sleep in the corridor to wait for Kirishima, I would laugh in your face. I never thought this day would come when she's genuinely worried for him.

(Then again, he almost died trying to save her and they have been close lately, so that's fair)

WOW okay queen, slayy. Ugh those pillows look so soft-

That aside, I was shocked. I get that she was too tired to change, but really Asuka? Really? Blatant fanservice outta nowhere? Is she trying to grab the male demographic too? Not that it didn't grab the females already with that kind of bod-

WHY do we get Yoshino's full bod, yet we only get a glimpse of Shouma's abs? I demand equality.

Oh Yoshino. What are you, a dog? How could you differentiate Kiri's smell amongst all else??

Wow Kiri really uses his room as a front. He really didn't lie when he said he can't sleep near anyone's presence. He's like an animal hiding inside a deep cave. And to think his real bedroom is the same place where he often received his punishment.

In the raws, Yoshino actually says in a small note, "That's so typical of Kirishima (to keep things spotless)..."

I remember when Kiri always tidied up Yoshino's mess. I thought he only did it because it's for her, but to think he also keep his own place spotless... Does he have OCD? Then again, serial killers like keeping their place clean-

Question: If Kirishima is inside, how the hell did he lock his place using that kind of lock?

It's giving the vibe of a villain' secret lair.

Why is the room so cold though. I thought it's still October/November. Did he not install a heater there, or did he intentionally blast an AC to freeze some randos who try to break in?

My heart JUMPED when I saw him in the corner of the panel. That panel placement is a genius.

I was so relieved when I see him 🥺🥺 I'm glad he's not masochistic enough to keep his wounds infected. At least he got some treatment (hopefully from the hospital, but I'll take what I can get).

Wow, she really made sure she didn't see a dead body.

SCREAMING CREAMING CRYING.

Asuka really knows how to make a cliffhanger.

THANK YOU for the precious glossary, scans team! 💞😭

Chapter 37.1

Awright! Yoshino and Kirishima finally meet! This means Yoshino would call Shouma about Kirishima so he won't report this incident to Renji! Right?

Judging by his passwords, I thought I was getting better at reading him. Turns out he intentionally made it easier to guess? Wow, way to make a person feel like an idiot.

He really takes Tsubaki's advice to heart 🤣 Starting to regret the time when you burn those albums, don't you.

(Did he burn his all his photos because of sentimental reason, or because he didn't want his enemies to find his weakness?)

Okay, so he really went to the hospital. Good.

Kiri got to have some serious enemies if he only goes to a hospital he could trust.

It's been hammered down again and again that he has no one he completely trust except Yoshino. I hate this kind of set up. It's cliché, yet, it's still playing with my heart.

The way he tried to warm her nosee aughh

Those movements, and no resistance from Yoshino at all?? This is new. She must be really worried and thankful to even care about their positions.

Kirishima, you really said some crazy stuff sometimes.

What. The fuck. Do you mean. You're prepared. To be a missing person. And. To be. An unnamed corpse. Just. To keep. Yoshino. Safe.

I know I said he's unhinged, but he still managed to shock me. I'm impressed.

Istg he's really testing my heart lately. Wdym I'm gonna fall again for Miyama Kirishima. It's not gonna happen?? (It happens)

Still no phone call for Shouma. I hope it's on the next chapter.

Chapter 37.2

Woow, a lot of subtext in this episode. You really need to read between the lines to understand their convo.

Everybody trust Kirishima enough (due to his track records) to protect Yoshino so they're not worried for her safety at all; if anything, it'd be Soumei Renji who's in most trouble.

Basically, Renji from Kirigaya Group (Kansai region) has many enemies because he made a pact with Gaku from Tokusa Group (Kantou region) -- to form a peaceful(?) alliance; despite their clashing ideals. Renji also negotiated for his group to join Kantou region despite the difference in region. Both regions have been on feud for 60 years and it should be for a good reason, so there must be a lot of people within Kirigaya and Tokusa who weren't happy with this joint. (I have to revisit ch 1, 7, & 8 to understand this, sigh). Just a reminder, there was a similar attempt in the past, but it ended with a gang war.

Dang, so even Suo Azami's real identity is faked.

Azami is a drug and weapon dealer?? Fuck.

If we remember ch 26, Akame Hishibe from Tokusa and Azuma Narumi from Kirigaya are conspiring against Renji. Narumi probably aimed to be Kirigaya's number 1 after Renji died, but what about Hishibe? What's his aim? Kirishima said Azami is currently used by yakuza. Could it be, Hishibe made Azami kill Renji because he promised him he'd make a huge profit from drugs and weapons because there's gonna be a gang war once Renji is dead?

I strayed off, lol. Anyways, back to the chapter.

So, as long as Renji is unaware of Yoshino's kidnap, she and Kirishima could live together happily ever after. Now please call Shouma that Kirishima is back safely so he won't have to tell Renji, please.

Wow Kirishimaa. He is so stupidly honest, but sometimes he's such a crafty little shit. This is the same when he agreed to do paper-rock-scissors with Yoshino because he's aware he'd win. He made Yoshino think she has her own choice, when in fact it's all a set up by him. Real glad Yoshino busted his ass this time though, he can't get away with this forever.

Asuka be trying real hard with this whole show-don't-tell, huh. In short, Kirishima finally told Yoshino directly that he's been obsessed interested in her since 12 years old. He's so in love with her, to the point where her small quirk is so endearing to him. Without her, he would've been bored to death. He'd rather die without her, but he'd do his best to live if he's with her.

Sad, but Yoshino couldn't understand his devotion. She thought based on her understanding, love is something that'd wear out sooner or later. She couldn't really rely on Kirishima's feeling forever; and thus, she payed him with money as an insurance because money's value won't change while feelings might change; or at least that's her logic.

(After all the buildup, she still couldn't trust him completely. Is this bc she's traumatized with his drastic change in ch 2? 😭 Wow Kirishima, you fucked up big time)

Woow Yoshino, way to gaslight him what he feel is not love 😂 when your understanding of 'love' is probably just a crush 🤣

Does she realize if they managed to catch Suo Azami, they're essentially preventing a gang war? Probably not.

Heh. She covered her nose because it's cold. Cute.

Wdym she placed herself in that side of the bed. She won't be able to escape easily in that position. Kirishima could just lean to her side with his uninjured hand. Is she not sus Kirishima would do something to her? And why she sleep with him in the first place when she could just go back to her room? She really trust him now, huh.

The tearrss. Is that a tear of relieve, happiness? Or is that a tear of tiredness, lol.

Aww, Kiri. He used to say he can't sleep with anyone's presence including Yoshino, but look at him now 🥹

I am glad you guys made a stronger team than ever, but

CAN SOMEONE CONTACT SHOUMA SO HE WON'T TELL ON RENJI PLEASE??

Damn this turned out much longer than I expected, lmao. But that's because these chapters have been bombs. Can't wait for the next one! XD

[justanothersyscourse]

oh hi it’s -flower anon

I mostly was sending the asks in since I have moral OCD and the uncertainty and genuine horrible things I’ve seen very much conflict.

I’m only anti-endo due to the very, very cultish nature of a lot of it and have fallen for too many cults already.

(I was groomed into a online cannibalism gore cult at a very young age and still deal deal with the consequences of that, fell for way too many death cults, and almost was lost to way too many other hateful things)

so when the Moral OCD kicks in I trust it, it’s only lead me out of these bad situations.

I know my opinions are probably very uncommon, but too many cults and cultish mindsets I’ve fell for.

honest to god, I was at one point ready to kill myself because I thought overpopulation was real And those accelerationists got to me.

so for wholehearted honesty it’s too much for me, personally I believe fully in cultural and spiritual multiplicity.

But most endo/tulpa/willo spaces aren’t that, and that uncertainty of if- “is this person saying that ‘hey this is just a cultural and spiritual thing’ or is this person not any of those what are they I don’t wanna get into a covert cult again”

but as the current state of endo/willo/Tulsa spaces are, it’s so so cultish that it’s triggering me.

Everything sets off so many alarms in my brain that I trained myself to recognize,

so that’s why I was worrying and asking about it.

you’d too if you had fallen for so many dangerous cult stuff.

Too many death cults man, too many online death cults.

Hi flower ❤️ I hope you're doing okay. I've been sitting on this draft, debating if what I have to say would be helpful or damaging.

You came back, though, so I feel that I need to respond in some way... I'm going to be honest, I'm scared to make this post, this is a very polarized topic in the system community. But... maybe what I say can help someone.

I hope you'll read through to the end. No matter what, whether you disagree with me or not, I genuinely hope you're okay and that things get a bit easier for you. It probably doesn't help, but I know what you're feeling.

I have bad OCD myself. I'm lucky in that I don't struggle with that specific type anymore, but I feel for you 🫂

I'm also very sorry to hear about what you've been through ):

Before I talk, know that this response isn't to change your mind. My only goal is to try to help settle some of that stress.

I want you to feel less stressed by this entire thing. It's okay.

When I was still very heavily anti endo, I felt the exact same way. I'm not just saying that. I also run sysmedsaresexist, and I'm pretty sure I have posts calling the pro endo community "cult-ish" in nature. I probably did it a number of times. You're not alone in that view. I was worried that doctors were going to fall for it, that innocent people were getting dragged into believing they were systems, all of it. Been there, done that.

However, as I slowly moved from anti to critical, I realized BOTH sides display the EXACT same behaviors. The antis were just as bad, once I stepped back to look at it.

To the point that if you put the posts next to each other with identifying characteristics hidden, it could come from, and be about either side. Here's an example.

Either both sides are a cult, or cult is not an appropriate word to be using for syscourse.

It's the latter, I've learned over the years.

And once I got over myself and actually spoke with endo systems... I swear to you, I promise you, with every fiber of my being, that most of what you hear is fear mongering.

Most.

But the same can be said about anti endos. Endos are terrified of antis, but that's because they only hear other endos talking about their HORRIBLE experiences with antis. Some of it is true, most of it isn't, most is... more than a little bit exaggerated.

It just is. Endos think you, specifically you, flower anon, send death threats.

Do you? I'm willing to bet not, but you're lumped into that group whether you like it or not, whether it's true or not.

While syscourse can feel TERRIFYING, like life versus death (trust me, I know), I promise it's actually okay.

It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay.

The medical community is going to be okay. Your resources will be okay. The endos will be okay. The antis will be okay.

I am still actively involved in clinical circles, and I promise you, doctors know the difference between CDDs and plurality. Doctors ARE talking about endogenic systems, but try to give them a bit more credit.

Did you know that the multiple theory of self is as old as the ToSD? But it's a concept based in philosophy and the discussion of consciousness. These are two totally different things that are both valid. The issue is overlapping language. But if we're mad about "system" being shared, why aren't we more mad at IFS? Does "computer system" dehumanize CDD systems, too? That's dumb. No it doesn't.

Radqueers exist in every single community, and so do people who don't like radqueers. For every radqueer endo, there's another endo squinting hard at that and complaining to their friends. There are radqueer DID systems. They exist. It happens. It's like saying lesbians are bad because there's radfems and radqueers in that community, too. The intersection of multiplicity, sexuality and gender is VERY confusing, with more moving parts than you can count. Obviously there are going to be people with very wide and very narrow views about it.

(That said, I don't bother with radqueer stuff very much, I have NEVER participated in that discourse because I don't feel that I understand the nuance of it enough to have a fully informed view of it.

Wouldn't it be nice if more people could acknowledge that they don't understand things enough?

Anti endos, I'm looking at you)

Your ability to see cult tactics in things is something that has protected you, but that doesn't make it healthy. Do not try to overcome or change that part of you without the help of a specialist. That's not what I'm saying.

Seeing the world as dangerous, and signs of danger in the world, is what protects everyone, but for trauma affected people, this ability is broken. It's hyperactive. That's something that we all approach in therapy, eventually. You don't need to change right now, but one day you'll want to be able to see the good in things, and that takes so much more practice and guidance than you could imagine.

An easy way to start, though, is empathy and introspection-- not just into your self, but into your community. To recognize the double standards and be able to critically put aside those fears and concerns without someone else making the decision for you.

I can tell you that isolation is a major tactic used by cults, and it's the antis telling you to do that, isn't it? They say, don't even hear the other side out, I'll tell you what they're saying, and you can just believe me.

Isn't that what @number1-syscourse-blog was telling you to do? And it's only the pro side saying you can be friends with BOTH sides-- not just other pro endos, but telling you that it's okay to be friends with antis and pros. That it's healthy and good to surround yourself with differing opinions and form your own conclusions. I don't know if you can see the number of people telling number1 syscourse what a bad response that was. Not just me, SO MANY PEOPLE! They're all blocked and hidden now.

Because the full picture is a beautiful thing.

Making your own choices and drawing your own conclusions is a powerful thing.

And the picture is not as ugly or scary as number1 syscourse would have you believe.

My suggestion to you is to just... not talk syscourse with your friends. Just be friends. Talk about the dumbest shit and remember that you're both just human, trying to understand the world around you.

For fun, and to settle minds, let's go through, just to drive the point home. It's going under a cut, just in case, but be aware, I'm critically tearing apart both sides for being ridiculous.

Pros and antis, cult edition

Characteristics of a cult:

Absolute authoritarianism without accountability

Now, neither side has a leader, so to speak, but we can talk about how members of each community can say whatever they want without any accountability. We have people on both sides wishing death on the other, and no one is stepping in to say, "yo, wtf?" No, those posts are instead spread further by people reblogging their friends, because 🌈 brand loyalty 🌈 rather than any kind of critical thought.

Yes, both sides do this. No, that's not up for debate. It's happening. If you think it's not, you're either being willfully blind, or you've fallen into the isolation trap.

DNIs aren't shields against shitty behavior, just like free speech doesn't allow for hate speech, but people sure do love hiding behind DNIs. Like, they'll post a GOOD ask, with great points, and respond with a womp womp, can't you read my DNI, and it's like... maybe you should have read more than the first line, my dude. Free publicity for the other sides' ideals, because you literally can't be bothered to read anything.

Honesty, I think the block feature is the downfall of humanity. There are anti endo blogs posting misinformation on DID that can't be corrected because they've blocked everyone that knows more than them. I've tried to correct a lot of them, I'm blocked.

It's an echo chamber, much like how you view pro endo spaces.

Zero tolerance for criticism or questions

Come on, do I actually need to talk about this? See the DNI point again. Good asks with good points with a nonsense response because, OH GOD, anon dared to have a slightly different belief on something. Endo neutrals, people trying to ask questions and learn, aren't even allowed to interact with most blogs, even just for questions.

Lack of meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget

Another way that "cult" isn't an appropriate term, though we could talk about TPA here. I really, really don't like the TPA.

Unreasonable fears about the outside world that often involve evil conspiracies and persecutions

Hey, pot, meet kettle.

A belief that former followers are always wrong for leaving and there is never a legitimate reason for anyone else to leave

Hey, that's what happened to me when I left the anti side!

Abuse of members

Yeah, they abused me pretty bad for trying to correct misinformation on @antimisinfo's (an anti endo) post. People are constantly being ostracized and kicked out of their community for looking too hard at the other side. God forbid you hear them out, for curiosities sake.

Records, books, articles, or programs documenting the abuses of the leader or group

Not really?

Followers feeling they are never able to be “good enough”

Maybe if you squint?

A belief that the leader is right at all times

Who would the leader be? Science? Because science does support endos, and antis won't read a single word of it.

A belief that the leader is the exclusive means of knowing “truth” or giving validation

Again, if we call science the leader... but again, that only applies to antis.

The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s), and its members

I can see it, I guess. Mostly out of antis claiming the elite title for trauma.

The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society

Both sides have this problem.

The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify whatever means it deems necessary. This may result in members’ participating in behaviors or activities they would have considered reprehensible or unethical before they joined the group

Again, see the point about friends reblogging other friends wishing death on the other side.

The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and/or control members. Often, this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion. Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.

This would be like saying you're betraying your side for talking to the other side. Huh. Kind of like what happened to you.

Just because the word cult CAN be applied to things doesn't mean it should be. Especially in syscourse, where one side has such a dark history with cult activity, it feels very... inappropriate to call pro/antis in syscourse a cult.

Really, it's just a bunch of people screaming that they're more right than the other side, and using fear mongering to make points that don't actually matter.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Story time:

There was a kid in my town who sold radios. Home stereos, portable boomboxes, car radios, it didn't matter. You wanted it, it played music, kid sold it.

This is not the part of the story where I sell you an honorable story about a kid earning for a family who can't keep up. Kid had a reasonably secure homelife, just liked having cash on hand for things they wanted. Everyone knew these were not exactly electronics with legitimate provenance, you feel me? But that didn't matter. Kid sold decent equipment at good prices, so if the kid said a case of cassette players fell off the back of a truck, then it fell off the back of a truck.

I get that some people have never lived in communities where the illegitimate market was a staple in community survival, but where I grew up "criminal" was a job title.

Story time:

My mom sold drugs for the cartels. She was a teenager alone in a city where she didn't know anyone, gay as a maypole, school drop out, couldn't hold down a job between the homophobia, the earthquakes, and the severe trauma. So she sold drugs for the local distributer because he didn't care who she fucked or when she needed a day off. Sometimes she spent her drug money on drugs of her own. Sometimes she spent it on expensive sex toys for her and her friends. Sometimes she spent it on food and rent. Sometimes she gave it away to the other queer kids.

The world is a complicated place, and people make complicated choices. Good and bad are rarely what we think they are. We can make that a problem for ourselves by fighting it, or we can accept it and play in the space.

My mom told me about her drug dealer days when she had a talk with me about recreational drug use as a kid. She told me that she tried cocaine once and liked it so much she knew she couldn't try it again. She told me to only ever smoke marijuana if I watched the buds ground up or ground them up myself. She told me not to get high or drunk with anyone unless I trusted them with my life. She told me that if I ever took something and it went wrong that I could call her. And she told me something that she ended up saying a lot: "the only absolute is that there are no absolutes"

Ironically, given my OCD, this was a really protective message. Her point was that doubt, uncertainty, change, difference, were inevitable, and would always take us by surprise until we learned how to internalize that truth. Better to build yourself a comfortable palace of self-reflection in that doubt and uncertainty, and allow the variability of life to be your anchor.

I've been supporting myself since I was a teenager, and maybe one day I'll find something as good as the sound of that giant ass boombox with the batteries the size of a hamster pumping out prince and tracy chapman and the indigo girls under the mulberry tree out front while the smell of my aunties and mom smoking up out back drifts off into the woods. Maybe I'll even find people who see the beauty and humanity in the mess the way I do.

[taekooktimeline]

Hey everyone 👋🏽

Wasn’t the “Dream” premier something? I’m still feeling quite emotional 😭

I’m working on drafting quite an extensive piece on it. I’m honestly nervous to share it because this was such a significant moment, and I want to make sure I’ve conveyed everything as best as I can. I’m hoping to get it up in the next few days, but that depends on my OCD and my schedule so please bear with me 🙏🏽

In the meantime, I wrote the below on my IG page, but I’ll leave it here too. Some of the below wordage is in my draft, and it’ll go into the event post itself, but I won’t apologize for repeating anything because it needs to be said🩷

There is sooo much to unpack, from the clothes they thoughtfully chose to wear to their first premier together (not BTS / work related), to their body language…I’m just so incredibly proud of these two.

Taehyung wore a jacket by Juntae Kim, a gender fluid clothing brand. His shirt, a rare find on Etsy, is an Oscar Wilde and Morrisey print. Oscar paved the way for gay rights, and was imprisoned for two years for his involvement with Alfred Douglas. Morrisey coined the term “human sexual” to describe himself.

Jk’s jacket is also queer coded. The sleeve is an excerpt from “Anonymous Diary of a New York Youth, Vol. 3” which was written by Taylor Mead, a columnist for the first gay newspaper in NYC. The front pocket of the jacket contains significant biblical scripture. “For all sinned, and come short of the glory of God ~All we like sheep have gone astray ~Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”

NOTHING IS COINCIDENCE WITH TAEKOOK! They’re smart. They know EXACTLY what they’re doing. Both outfits are queer coded and have deep meaning. And for their first unofficial event together to wear such meaningful clothes is loud in itself.

Not only were their outfits meaningful, their body language and expressions were too.

They’re familiar with red carpets in their line of work, but Jk was extra, adorably shy. Because this was a STATEMENT!

They didn’t walk with other members (who didn’t attend), they didn’t walk with Wooga. They walked TOGETHER.

This was about THEM.

And Tae made sure to be Jk’s safe space, as he always has been and always will be. He took his wrist when Jk hesitated before the photo wall. The way Jk looked at Tae when he turned back to take his wrist? They both knew when they walked onto the carpet exactly what that meant. How impactful it would be, the next step to normalizing their relationship. Tae guided Jk, and Jk’s expression lighting up when Tae turned speaks, trusting him, VOLUMES. They prioritize each other and they always will.

And once again, Jk showed how close he is with Wooga when he called SJ “Seo-Joonie Hyung”

They will ALWAYS choose each other. They will ALWAYS be close. No one on SM will ever change that.

They are so brave and strong. I’m in complete awe.

Taekook will change the world. I am so sure of it 🙏🏽

TAEKOOK FOREVER💜💚

Stay tuned for the post💜I hope I do it justice and I will do my very best🙏🏽

[camojacketfag]

when do you stop feeling like you're waiting for your life to start? im 22 and ive accomplished nothing, it feels like im at a standstill.

Well, for starters, I had a breakdown in a meijer parking lot at 8:15pm yesterday, sobbing to boygenius as I was telling myself that I’ve paused my life for the past four years to try and heal from crippling childhood trauma and therefore I haven’t really had the chance to truly have fucking fun and live life man.

My 20s have been a lot of healing and slowing down as life continues to move past me so fucking quickly. I told myself I was gonna have fun this year and instead I got my heart broken, I relapsed in my OCD, I cut ties with a shit therapist who invalidated me time and time again and I played far too many video games. Through out it all I also lost so many friendships who don’t fully understand how debilitating OCD truly is and my current social life consists mostly of imaginary conversations I have inside my head. But hey, we’re still fucking kicking! What really defines an accomplishment man? Whose timeline are you comparing yourself too? Most of the lives constantly being lived so publicly are led by neurotypical people with such big opportunities very different from lives like ours man. Therefore you’re doing yourself a disservice to try and compare your life to theirs. Acceptance is the hardest pill to swallow. I truly despise patience. Yet I also have to come to terms with the fact that I move at a much slower and methodical pace than everyone else around me. I know in the long run I’ll be grateful I decided to heal now as opposed to later but I still feel so fucking robbed man. Of time. And opportunities. And life. Time that I may never get back. Time in which others my age spent developing their careers or social relationships, I was stuck in my little room listening to sad lesbian music and having no one around but my dog and the obsessive thoughts that felt intensely unavoidable. I’d say life, or at least the life you’re talking about, will never truly start man. That life is just a piece of fiction. I guess what I’m trying to say is that life has already started, it’s just waiting for you to notice. Your perception is just warped, much like mine, but I know that although I can list all of these awful things that have happened over these past four years, I know that nudged somewhere in between it all, I’ve still lived. I saw some sick ass concerts, I gave myself my first stick and poke, I got drunk and shared to much, I allowed myself to question love and it’s mechanisms and meaning, I started a photo blog and have steadily worked towards creating what I see everyday in to something others can relate or come back to, I got punched in the face, I busted my lip trying to open a bottle of vodka, I drank to much caffeine and felt like I’d ascended to a higher state of consciousness. After I relapsed, I felt broken man. So much new trauma I’d have to go back to and stitch up all caused by trusting a professional who only made me believe that my own personal experience of the things I’d gone through was actually wrong. Yet somehow, it ended with me finally believing myself once more. And vowing to never let anyone make me feel like she did ever again. 11 years of trauma and hard work doesn’t deserve to be so easily destroyed just because you have a degree and I don’t. Still, I believed myself again. I believe myself now. And I know going forward that if we continuously compare ourselves to lives being lived that will never cross paths with ours then all we’re gonna do is spend eternity wondering when it will ever finally fucking begin. I promise you, it already has, and although I don’t know you, and you might believe that it’s been more bad than good, or that it’s not as valuable when compared to others achievements at your age, it’s still yours, and there’s still time, and it’s always been there, it’s just waiting for you to notice.

[ikamigami]

The new episode really hit it home for me that Moon is doing a lot better as a brother for Sun(adored the July 16th video those were great), but that he might not clock just how in the gutter Sun's mental state actually is The first was him making the falling joke, notice how Sun immediately rushed in thinking Moon was in physical danger and was completely unamused by the "joke" and Moon doesn't realize why he'd be so unamused The second was Sun asking to automate cleaning because depression, and Moon joking that he's Dark Sun, Moon notices that there's something off about Sun not wanting to clean, that's anathema to his previous understanding Sun, I do hope they talk about it as Moon said This isn't to say I blame Moon, he's doing so much better than he used to be and that is incredible, but I also get why Sun is like this based on the stuff others here were saying, because even if Moon's trying hard to be better, Sun's having a hard time with it, because he's been through this once already, Nexus had done the same thing, all those promises and saying he'll be better, imploring Sun to trust him after all the abuse, and actually doing it! It was to the point that I'd argue Sun was just as close with Nexus under less time as Sun was with Old Moon, without the abuse. But then Nexus, not even after Solar's death but from Sun's perspective not long after his breakdown, seemingly flipped a switch and ripped it all away and spiraled so hard and so fast into full villainy that it caught everyone off-guard, it's like the old saying goes, "once bitten, twice shy", plus with how many times everybody's been threatened, hurt, killed, or almost killed, it makes a lot of sense that Sun's first instinct when hearing someone yell or scream is to think they're being attacked and rush to help, and not find it funny when they were just doing it for a laugh, and the guy is very depressed considering OCD cleaning is an instinctual part of his code and he wants nothing to do with it now, again not blaming any of the characters or anything, it's just character analysis, Moon is doing better and Sun is slowly learning to trust again, which is good to see Also seeing a Good Creator and retroactively reflecting on how much better everyone's lives could've been hurts, I don't even think Good Creator's Moon had a kill code, or would have one, though Eclipse and Lunar do exist in that world but who knows, either way no wonder our Sun and Moon might be jealous and want to cry about it

You're absolutely right, dear anon.

I only add some things..

Sun have not only depression - depressive episode but he also has psychosis - we can tell that from BM's hallucination and Sun's agitated state and mood swings..

After all he has depressive psychosis and currently he has psychotic episode - or in this disorder he has depressive and psychotic episode at the same time..

Sun is more irritated like we could see when he said "I'll break something one of this days" - which reminded me of goodolddumbbanana's theory that maybe Nexus will force Sun to kill Dazzle but because Dazzle can't die he'll just break her body (hmmm maybe actually goodolddumbbanana writes sams/j) - he's also more annoyed with things..

Yes, Sun not wanting to clean as much as he used to is a clear sign that he's depressed and I hope that Moon will take it seriously despite jokes and he'll talk with Sun or at least try or he'll talk with someone and ask for an advice..

Sun is clearly more depressed than before - when he had his first major psychotic episode - and what's more worrying is that he isn't aware of his mental state.. I mean he doesn't know he's depressed or it clearly doesn't seem so.. and even more so he isn't aware of having a mental disorder and that this is what causes him hallucinations..

I think that VAs did good job with showing us Sun moving on from July 16th because it'll better show viewers and also Sun and other characters later that even when he's moving past his trauma.. this trauma changed him so much and possibly forever and he's now suffering from mental disorder and a pretty serious one at that (due to dealing with suicidal thoughts and ideations and suicide attempts more often which also often end up with completed suicide - it's because patient during their depressive episodes experience psychotic episode at the same time and this agitated state and delusions is what often leads to suicide complation though I'm not saying that VAs will make Sun kill himself)

When I was obsessing over Sun being suicidal during my psychotic episode.. it was frustrating to say the least to see that people think that even having suicidal thoughts or ideations is not a big deal.. as if only being actively suicidal was somewhat more concerning.. and even if active suicidality is very dangerous and person being actively suicidal needs to be supervised.. it doesn't mean that others signs of being even passively suicidal when you suffer from depressive psychosis (or any other disorder or in general actually) means that you're not in danger..

I hate when people just downplay things like that.. and think that one group of people has worse than others..

I think that it was really so frustrating to me because people just don't know how it's like to live with depressive psychosis and having guilt delusions or delusions centered around unworthiness.. it's terribly awful mix.. and I wouldn't even wish that upon even the most evil people that exist..

Hope you don't mind my rant, dear anon 😅

Though I think that Sun will spiral one day and hopefully he won't kill anyone.. cause guilt will eat him alive this time..

I also don't want to kill himself.. but maybe he'll harn himself.. cause he'll break something one of this days.. and he snapped just like he said and killed Bloodmoon.. so who knows.. but these are my thoughts about that..

Also yeah Sun doesn't trust Moon fully yet.. but he loves him and cares about hence why he gave him another chance.. and yeah he's more alerted when someone screams in pain or in fear due to trauma and everything that happened.. all these deaths..

[elasmobranch-enthusiast]

i want to share something i posted on my private instagram in its entirety. (tumblr people i trust most of you dm me if you want the @)

i’ve been wanting to talk about my relationship with art for a little while now.

as a young child, i was always drawing, coloring, or painting something, like lots of kids. making art was just a fun and relaxing activity for me, something i did pretty frequently and enjoyed.

that changed as i got older. my ocd got worse, i became more critical of myself, and i was noticing how different i was to everyone else. people called me creative a lot as a kid. i took pride in that. but i started to notice that i had been drawing the same things over and over my whole life. other kids my age didn’t do that. how could i be creative when i never created anything new? it didn’t make sense to me, and i felt like a fraud. so i pushed myself to draw other things even though i didn’t really want to. and then i noticed more things i didn’t like. i’d never learned how to hold a pencil correctly. my hands were too shaky, my lines always jagged or wiggly. i couldn’t grade the pressure i was putting on the pencil. compared to my peers, my art looked like it had been made by someone younger. i hated that. to me, different meant it was ugly and bad. so i figured i needed to reteach myself how to draw. i became a connoisseur of those how to draw (blank) books. but every line i made that didn’t perfectly match the image from the books had to be redone. anything less than perfect wasn’t good enough. i’d erase holes into my paper, telling myself i couldn’t do anything right. the thoughts got worse, that terrible things would happen to me if i couldn’t do something perfectly. art was becoming just another one of the seemingly endless sources of anxiety in my life. picking up a paintbrush or looking at a blank sheet of paper was enough to send me into panic. this phase of my life was roughly from ages 6 to 11.

so i quit. no more painting or drawing. i wasn’t good at it so it wasn’t for me. i had to accept that. i found other creative outlets like writing and crochet, which i was already getting into as i became more and more disillusioned with art. this lasted until i was about 16 and my ocd got a lot more manageable.

since then, i’ve gotten tiny flickers, little urges to make art again. filled with fear, i tried drawing and painting again. and i would hate the results, so i’d quit again for another few months. that cycle repeated many times.

but recently, it’s been different. i had the urge to pick up watercolors and just couldn’t resist it. but something was different this time. i hated my work, but i didn’t want to stop. i wanted to try again. so i have been, for a few weeks now. and i’m enjoying it. it only dawned on me recently that i had once labeled watercolors as my least favorite medium to work with years ago. i found them far too difficult to control. and now, that’s what i like about them. that they sort of do their own thing, that they take control and i adapt to them. and i think there’s profound healing in that. i’ve found peace in wetting the colors, creating transparent layers. slowly building them up to more vibrant colors, and swirling my brush in water. it quiets my mind.

so currently, i’m fixated on painting jellyfish. over and over. that’s all i’ve been painting, but i’m okay with that. maybe one day i’ll perfect them. but if not, i’ll be okay.

i still don’t think my art is good. in fact, i’m embarrassed to post it. but i am because i think it’s important to my healing journey. and i may not be proud of how it looks, but i am proud of what it means.

[station19probie]

Station 19: S0105: Shock to the System

My apologies for the delay between episodes. I’ve had a rough few days in a chronic illness symptom flare because summer hates me, but I’d definitely much rather have the energy to write my episode blogs.

This blog is also surely to be my least intensive write up yet, both in part due to I’m still below my baseline, and I just happen to not love this episode (except entirely for the reason of: when I was a very young child, a power company employee came to my classroom to show us a safety video and tell us about his job, and then after that it somehow devolved into telling us horror stories he’d seen on his job which I don’t think one would consider actually age appropriate for us small children, but his intent was to scare us to be safe and it fucking worked to the point that I to this day hate storylines with plot points like downed live electrical wires).

In any case, I hope it’s still an enjoyable read, and next episode’s will probably be better...

“I guess there’s one perk to your new chosen profession.” - Miranda Bailey

Bailey and Ben are adorable. I’m really glad that the Grey’s Universe writers consistently make the choice of, no matter what they go through, no matter what hard times push and strain their relationship, they always figure out what they need to do to work on things and strengthen their relationship over time. Their relationship is definitely a good example of “you don’t have to keep literally breaking characters up to have relationship drama and storylines” because even when Bailey and Ben separated so Bailey could focus on her health, their commitment was both to still return to their relationship, she still loved and wanted to share a life with her husband, she just needed to figure some things out. (And, it’s been a minute since I’ve done a Grey’s rewatch, but wasn’t it that they figured out her OCD meds needed adjustment? That’s so fucking real, and such an impactful storyline to share, tbh.)

Anyway, love their banter at the beginning of this episode of trying to one up each other with how impressive they each are at their jobs.

“You might have to convince me not to file an official complaint. Over Thai food. Tonight. And a bottle of red wine.” - JJ

hahahaha

“You don’t deserve their trust if you can’t be honest with them.” - Pruitt

This scene where Pruitt confronts Andy and Jack about their relationship… on the one hand, a part of me can see where he’s coming from of like, though he doesn’t use these words, integrity is obviously an important quality for a leader to have, right? But also, and this is further informed by how he continues to overly involve himself in Andy’s relationships and is incredibly misogynistic towards her in that regard, you can never convince me that he’s not actually just really mad about the fact that they managed to hide their relationship from HIM, two firefighters in HIS station, one of them being HIS daughter.

While on the one hand their relationship started when only Jack was a lieutenant, and thus held rank over Andy, and thus could be construed as a professional conflict of interest… if they managed to be fully professional and there was never any kind of preferential treatment, later seasons don’t seem to suggest that there’s anything wrong with a lieutenant and non-lieutenant being in a relationship… problems of being against the rules for ethical reasons seem to start at the captain position, which again makes a lot of sense because a captain actually has a lot more power and authority and such over their subordinates. (Or, idk, maybe even captain and lieutenant isn’t completely against the rules if the relationship is disclosed, because the sticking point for Sullivan seemed to be that he wouldn’t get his promotion? Not that he couldn’t date her as captain? Idk, once I get to those episodes my memory will be refreshed.)

In any case, like, yes, the fact that they’ve had a secret relationship and are both hoping to be promoted to captain and thus one of them could gain and official rank and it would be suspect not to disclose a relationship at either this point or should the promotion happen (had their relationship not ended)… so on that hand I’m kind on the side of seeing where Pruitt is coming from and saying he has a point…

The fact that I’m still pretty convinced he’s only pissed off for the aforementioned reasons, and moreso that one of the two people in question is his daughter… it feels a little less like he wants to hold them accountable for their actions, that it does that he’s hoping the team will also see things how he does and, idk, put Jack and Andy in their place?

(Sometimes I like Pruitt’s character, but most of the time I just get really annoyed at how he treats Andy, because it’s really awful.)

“Maybe Gibson is rethinking his approach of doing whatever he wants whenever he wants.” - Pruitt

I mean… is passive aggressive behavior like this really acceptable and appropriate in the workplace?

“And for me today, Gibson?” - Pruitt

“You’re at reception, sir, same as always.” - Jack

*sighs* Like, Pruitt is trying to makes the vibes weird on purpose, right?

“They’re gonna barge in, arrest the guy, and then congratulate themselves with high fives and and butt slapping or whatever.” - Andy

hahahahaha

“And the whole time we’re never gonna leave this spot, we’re just going to sit here and go home. We’re like earthquake insurance — don’t really need it, but it’s nice to have.” - Andy

“She’s right. Except for the butt thing. We don’t do that.” - Ryan

hahahaha

“You were so dismissive just now. High fives? Butt slapping? Really?” - Maya

“I’ve known him a long time, I promise he wasn’t offended.” - Andy

“You don’t know that.” - Maya

“Oh my god, why are we fighting about this? What is this, talk to me, please.” - Andy

“No.” - Maya

“Why not?” - Andy

“Why would I talk to you when you’re acting like this?” - Maya

“I’m not acting like anything.” - Andy

“Yes you are.” - Maya

“Can you please just tell me what’s going on so we can deal with it and figure it out?” - Andy

“Sure, of course, let’s get my stuff out of the way so we can circle back around to deal with yours.” - Maya

“Oh, wow, okay. Let’s not talk then.” - Andy

“Okay…!” - Maya

Obviously they do end up talking later in this episode, which I’m glad for… but I’m also glad that Andy is at least more attentive to the fact that something is weird between her and Maya and is more actively trying to actually have a conversation and figure things out because she doesn’t want things to be weird with her best friend, which is a stark contrast of her several episodes desire to avoid having a real conversation with Jack.

I do get the feeling that, same as Andy was Maya’s first person she could really truly trust and feel safe with and knows will support her unconditionally… I feel like Maya was also that person for Andy.

While yes, Andy had Ryan, and I’m not discounting that, and Andy does view Ryan as a best friend, and as kids they definitely supported each other unconditionally… that didn’t continue to come easily for them as they got older, as we see when we end up getting the flashback where they’re at odds with each other because Andy is a pursuing a career as a firefighter and Ryan doesn’t support or understand it. It’s like, as they grew up, probably just their own respective childhood traumas started to shape the adults they were turning into, and their relationship/friendship took more work and they had some degree of falling out and not-being-on-good-terms that we see in the pilot.

But also, there’s a difference between growing up with someone and knowing a person your whole life as a constant… versus, at the very least, Maya was the first person Andy was more consciously and intentionally aware of building a friendship and learning to trust her and becoming the person each could turn to for support and best friendship.

So I’m really glad that, even though her instinct was avoidance with Jack, with Maya she’s like “what’s going on? We need to figure this out right?”

“How are those chores coming?” - Jack

“That’s what we were talking about was.. chores.” - Travis

hahahaha

“Okay, I can feel you sitting there wanting to talk to me. I know what it is, so you might as well just tell me what it is and be done with it. Okay, so, go.” - Maya

Gotta say, I’m also proud of Maya for also not giving in to her instincts to emotionally close off, and also decide she’s ready to have a conversation with her best friend.

“I don’t talk to you because I don’t feel like I can!” - Maya

She wants to talk to her bestie, her trauma is saying not to, she’s trying to find a way anyway… I relate to just how hard these kind of conversations are (and honestly, starting hard conversations that you have a safe person to talk to but you’ve never been safe to share things you’re going through before, usually end up being easier to start by making some kind of acknowledgment to that out loud like Maya did).

“If we didn’t work together would we even be friends?” - Andy

Like, this is so hard for both of them, they’re both simultaneously trying to distance themselves and find a way to talk to each other and it’s just.. so relatable, so real.

“I figured it out.” - Vic

“Figured what out?” - Travis

“Jack and Pruitt. Family first, get it?” - Vic

“As usual you are speaking in code that I only half understand.” - Travis

“Family. First. He picked sides!” - Vic

So I love that we start to see here Vic’s keen observational awareness and how her brain works and how’s she’s constantly just trying to figure things out and make things make sense.

Like, I’ve talked about how Maya notices everything perhaps partly due to that’s just who she is, but also definitely a skilled learned and strengthened by growing up in an abusive household.

Versus we see Vic, who throughout the course of the show is just continually established and fleshed out as someone who is just very good with people. She sees people, she cares about people, she’s interested in learning about who people are, she’s naturally good at being compassionate and empathetic and making people feel safe. And she’s so good with people that she’s just always picking up on the dynamics and unspoken things going on between people. Maybe she’s not always totally right on the details, but because she understands people so well she just can’t help but to constantly be trying to figure out what’s going on with people she cares about when things get weird. It’s why we end up seeing her being so good at crisis one and going on to run the program, because she wants to see and understand people, and she happily uses that superpower as a tool for good.

“Jack’s his guy. He’s been his lieutenant for like two years.” - Dean

“And how long has Andy been his daughter?” - Travis

hahahahaha

(But also, Pruitt would never actually show favoritism to his daughter, would he? Unfortunately, while it’s easy for them to believe a father would pick his daughter, we see that he more than once he intentionally chooses to try and block her career advancement…)

“For instance, are you aware that your husband flosses a concerning amount?” - Vic

But how is everything Vic says so funny? I love her.

“When I’m with Jack, the way he sees me, for exactly who I am, right now. Not some kid he once knew, not some idea he’s chasing, just me. The way that makes me feel, I can’t just shut it off.” - Andy

“But you could have shut the door.” - Maya

Hahahaha, thank you Maya.

But also, Andy! You’re like, so close to actually trying to get in touch with your own feelings and everything you’ve been trying to just, ignore even existing… but, I get it, she’s not ready to face the things she’s not ready to face. She can almost walk straight into the point when talking to her best friend, but that doesn’t mean she can see that she’s running away from her feelings the entirety of the rest of the time, in favor of her single minded focus on achieving having the station be her home and family and everything all in one, and not realizing she’s saying no to what it is that makes her feel most seen…

“So I am going to go for a run in my head.” - Maya

I do love for Maya that, even though she’s not at a point where she recognizes the abuse she grew up with, and thus might not even realize this is what she’s doing, she at least subconsciously knows when her nervous system is activated and that running can calm her body and mind again, to the point where if she can’t actually run, she’ll opt for essentially meditation, I mean running in her head. (And of course, we see in later seasons that when she essentially ends up in a cycle of her sympathetic nervous system ending up in that like, state of being inappropriately over-activated that is so common for trauma and abuse survivors, that her go to coping mechanism of exercise no longer helps, which again is common, and things don’t start to get better for her until she finally starts therapy and can process things.)

“I mean I guess I’m not all that surprised.” - Travis

“You’re not?” - Jack

“Come on, the whole thing was pretty obvious. That it would go this way, and Pruitt would feel the way he feels.” - Travis

“I didn’t think we were being that obvious. I thought Andy and I were pretty good at hiding our relationship. Pruitt walking in that was just, bad luck I guess. I just wish he’d lay off, a little, you know. Travis, I mean this, I promise, Andy and me being together did not affect our decision making in any way. I don’t want you to feel you can’t trust either one of us.” - Jack

“Right. Right. I wasn’t even thinking about that.” - Travis

Hahahahaha. Jack, you need to learn to ask clarifying questions before you just go accidentally exposing your secret relationship to Travis. And Travis being all internally “wtf?” while playing it cool with his response, hahahaha

“Classic steak combo…. Sizzler.” - Vic

Hah. Also, why is the power company’s response time so slow? You’d think in at least this situation they’d find a way to prioritize being literally any faster?

“Ryan’s been helping me out recently.” - Maya

“With?” - Andy

“My brother. He found him pretty messed up, I guess he’s been living on the streets. I can coach anybody, I’m a fixer, I can fix anything but not this. I don’t know what to do.” - Maya

“I can’t believe you let me go on and on about a guy when this is what’s been going on with you. I am so sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me.” - Andy

“It’s not you.” - Maya

“It is me. You’re right it’s been all about me..” - Andy

“I just didn’t want to say it out loud.” - Maya

I’m so proud of Maya for finding the courage to talk to her best friend, and I just love seeing the two of them figuring out how to be there for each other and support each other.

“When I asked before if we’d be friends if we didn’t work together.. the answer is, yes, in any universe, it’d still be you.” - Andy

Exactly <3

I love the friendships on this show, so much!

“When you have something to spill, and you choose not to spill, you make angels cry.” - Vic

Hahahahaha

“It’s not the time. It’s not the time. Okay, Jack and Andy have been hooking up.” - Travis

Travis being such a gossip, especially when Travis is a gossip with Vic, is in fact of my favorite things.

“First, is this why you two spent so much time in the turnout room? Second, did you do it in the turnout room? Third, did you do it on or near my gear in the turnout room?” - Vic

Asking the important questions, hahahaha

“Fourth, who would you save first in a fire, me, or one of you?” - Vic

(I mean, the fourth one actually is a fair question, since they’re coming clean about a secret relationship, and you want to make sure there isn’t bias or favoritism or anything because of that secret relationship.)

“But one of you will be captain here, soon. You have to see how that might make some question whether you can really be unbiased.” - Travis

See, the point just sounds much fairer coming from Travis, than when I’m still convinced Pruitt’s anger largely stems from this happening without his knowing under his leadership and one of the people involved being his daughter.

“So I guess my question is, is one of you going to leave?” - Travis

“No, because we broke up.” - Andy

I mean, I don’t know how I’d feel in this scenario. And every time I watch, I can never even figure out if from a media analysis perspective, there’s something deeper I’m missing.

I guess examining it narratively, moving forward we largely see that everyone just moves on and it doesn’t really change anything, so I guess we are meant to infer that it is appreciated that they came clean about their relationship so they wouldn’t be keeping secrets while hoping to become the next captain, and the fact that they aren’t seeing each other anymore is enough for everyone to feel like there’s no remaining conflict of interest since it’s now a non-issue.

Anyway, as I was finishing this up I just realized that so far I’ve included a rambling prologue before every episode post so far, and now I think maybe I need to get out of the habit of doing that, whoops.

[sleaterkinnie]

i didn’t see the throw up bowl controversy on ig but i do remember seeing it on twitter bc someone was talking about reusing a popcorn bowl they would throw up in and yeah no offense but that is nasty and very yt… like yeah having a bowl on hand when you’re sick makes sense but throw that shit out after or reuse it for non food purposes. idgaf if it’s been cleaned im not eating out of it again

i mean it IS gross like i get it trust me i have crazy emetephobia ocd and vomit horrifies me but once it's clean it is clean. my family had only 3 big bowls we weren't gonna just throw one out 🤷 they were soaked in bleach overnight and washed before and after the bleach soak in boiling soapy water. the contagious bacteria from vomit cannot survive in that environment so we keep it because its been cleaned. like ideally we could just throw it away and get a new one but we didn't. you don't have to use it again if you don't want to but if it's cleaned properly you don't have anything to worry about