#OCD (once again: just trust me on this one)

[autism-swagger]

Tory Nichols is the type of guy to relate to Never Get To Know by Paul Baribeau

[clarity2electricboogaloo]

Outsiders shit. Some modern some not idfk

These are all like. The most crack-filled hcs ever, please excuse my brain 🙏🏽🙏🏽 if these don’t make sense to you, tell me

- dally is so headstrong that the moment someone bets he can’t do something, he does it

- the gang takes advantage of this

- (this is a method I use on my younger siblings 😭😭)

- dally can walk in heels

- also two bit. Like scarily well. His sister is amazed.

- pony calls people whore

- Johnny calls people thot

- they say these to each other on a regular basis.

- also hoe

- uhhh where was I

- something something gay something something 70s 80s smth pony and Johnny because Johnny never died frfr no cap

- Johnny: “I can’t believe yall vape smh”

- also Johnny: *pulls out a cigarette for each hand*

- pony does the same thing

- twobit and Marcia are either gay-lesbian solidarity or they’re dating, no in between

- if they’re gay, they’re a beard couple just like “we pretend to date, they can’t catch on” “I like the way you think, woman”

- ily twobit matthews. That’s all.

- twobit and Marcia are actually both Hispanic, its canon trust I was there

- dally types “women ☕️” in instagram comment sections

- also “it’s bc I’m a man isn’t it”

- (ty V on discord for that second one 🙏🏽🙏🏽)

- cherry and dally argue on twitter

- a lot

- dally spams cherry and then she absolutely COOKS this pathetic rat man

- dally blocks cherry, doesn’t talk to her for a while, then eventually forgets and unblocks her to harass the poor girl again

- cherry doesn’t realize blocking is a thing, but she complains to marcia and marcia shows her how to block Dallas

- dally, two bit, and Steve are all hopelessly addicted to twitter

- like it’s really fucking bad

- someone get these mfs off the internet

- dally therapy

- now

- right fucking now

- cherry valance and ponyboy bisexual man/bisexual woman solidarity

- they are besties

- nothing more nothing less

- change my mind

- (you cant)

- marcia “good luck babe” by Chappell roan

- pony autism

- Johnny audhd

- Darry autism

- soda audhd or just adhd

- I saw someone say dally ocd once and I like it so

- dally ocd

- twobit adhd

- Steve adhd

- everyone trauma :D

- when johnny actually lived after the fire bc thats what actually happened actually fr, he left his parents because he realized they didn’t love him (pulling from the “I don’t wanna see her” scene for this)

- he stays with the curtis boys most of if not all the time

- if soda and Darry are gone, pony will grab Johnny and they’ll sleep together

- not in a weird way you freaks

- pony just genuinely cannot sleep

- I may or may not be influenced by fics I’ve read…

- soda saw them one night when he got home late and was like “…queers?”

- he stays out a bit later than usual now, often found sleeping in another room

- Darry actually supports more than pony thought, when he comes out, Darry is like a pride parade mom frfr

- kinda lowkey overbearing with it

- ily Darrel curtis

- soda is the typa guy to genuinely not understand lgbtq+ but supports anyways

- sodas the typa guy to be asked what his pronouns are and say “just he/him. Wish I had smth more interesting, but I’m just a guy :D”

- on the other end of that, soda and Steve are gay

- everyone is gay

- all of them

- so very fucking gay

Im done yapping for now, im so sorry for anyone that sees this

[berylcups]

Hey, just wanted to know what do you think La Squadra members would avoid while looking for a s/o. So basically their biggest turn offs.

I love your posts btw 😍

Thank you so much 😭😭😭 your encouragement is like drugs to meeeeeeee

This was a fun one to do- thank you so much for asking 🤩 it really made me put my thinking cap on! 🧠

La Squadra No-Gos in an S/O

CW: Suggestive Content aka Melone being Melone

Notes: this was fun to write! Remember we all have our flaws and the squad loves you REGARDLESS! 🥰 💜 Beryl

Visually there’s nothing that the guys don’t like. It doesn’t matter what your skin color is, what your ethnicity is, where you’re from, your neurodiversity, your mental illnesses, how tall you are, or how much you weigh. They’ll love you all the same! ❤️ But it’s what’s on the inside is where they get picky…

Risotto

Self centered/ overly needy- This leader is always thinking about others and nothing irks him more than someone who only thinks about themself. It just makes him think of the boss when an S/O gets greedy or demanding, expecting him to use all of his mental, physical, and financial resources only on them. He deserves some love and care too! But he won’t admit or demand that because he’s too proud of a man. Just be patient and wait your turn and he will always have the time for you. It might not be all the time you want but he does dedicate time just for you.

He just can’t handle someone who’s overly needy. You're going to have needs. He knows that. He’s going to tend to you at a higher level than he does his own men. Don’t demand too much out of this exhausted man. He’s probably not in the mood to go out on a big date but he’s going to come home to you and give you a big hug and kiss and listen to you about how your day went. He’s going to tell you how much he missed you and help you make dinner. He’s not going to be here every time for your beck and call. But he’s going to come back to you every time he has a moment to himself because he loves you that damn much.

Formaggio

- Judgmental / perfectionism- This man goes with the flow when it comes to life. He’s a very laidback man without any plans. So don’t get irritable when he doesn’t have huge goals or aspirations. There’s nothing more that irks him is a judgmental perfectionist. If you mess something up don’t worry about it! You can always do it again. Not everything needs to be in order! He doesn’t mind a little cat hair on his shirt or the fact he throws his dirty laundry by the washing machine on the floor. He’ll get to it when he’s ready.

Don’t be so judgmental- there’s no one correct way to live life. He isn’t telling you how to live so don’t tell him! He understands if you have something debilitating like OCD. We all got our issues. He just doesn’t really want to be nagged or bossed around. Want him to clean up the house? Just ask nicely and zaddy will take care of it for ya! That’s all it takes! He’ll work on being a little more organized as long as you work on yourself too! He’s your biggest supporter and he’ll let you know it!

Illuso

Dishonesty/ cheating- he absolutely hates it when someone lies to him. Just be honest with him! He has eyes and ears everywhere—the mirrors. So he knows if you’re talking shit or plan on cheating on him. Don’t even say it’s all a misunderstanding! Once that trust is lost, it’s lost forever. He doesn’t let people in very easily so expects you to be a loyal faithful s/o. He acts like a man who thinks relationships will “chain you down” but he only acts that way due to past relationships going sour, almost always surprisingly with him the one getting cheated on.

He doesn’t expect you to put up with his bullshit or sass! He knows when he needs to be put in his place. But if you’re his s/o he won’t really tease you. He’s a very sensitive guy but will only share that side of himself with you. So don’t be going around spilling his secrets or making fun of his sensitive side. His trust is just that fragile.

If you treat him kindly, he will treat you like a god/dess. He’s undeniably the most loving and loyal man you’ll ever have as long as you’re faithful and don’t play with his heart.

Pesci

Negativity/ Cynicism- This sweet guy is a huge empath. So there’s nothing he dislikes more is someone who is super cynical or super negative. He’s like a biiiiig emotional sponge. If you’re feeling bad, HES FEELING BAD. He has low self esteem and can understand if you do too but the relationship won’t last long if you’re both being emotional anchors weighing each other down. 😞 You’re allowed to have your bad days! Everyone has bad days. But let him try to pep you up and let you know that things will pass and you’ll see the light of another happy day again. Don’t push him away and have a pity party! Show him a smile through those tears! 😚 and do the same for him. Be each others amateur therapists and cheerleaders! 📣

Prosciutto

Passive Aggression/ Bad Communication- There’s nothing that irritates this no nonsense man who beats around the bush. Say what you need to say damn it! He’s very transparent with you about what he wants and expects. He wants the same from you! So if you got beef with him, say it, don’t be passive aggressive about it. He needs clear communication from you. You aren’t going to “hurt his feelings”. He’s a grown ass man/adult and can handle some criticism as long as it’s constructive of course. Don’t go all out insulting him. He won’t stand for that, and he doesn’t expect you to stand for it either! Let him know if he’s being too harsh. LET HIM KNOW EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM. 👏 A healthy functioning relationship is ALLLLL about communication!

Melone

Rigidness/ Closed minded- Anything goes with this guy. He’s all about trying new things. New foods, new vacation spots, new fashion trends, new cultures, new sex positions.

He doesn’t like someone who’s super close minded and won’t at least try something. You need to get out of your comfort zone just a little bit! Do you know how much you’re potentially missing out on??? Melone knows. He doesn’t want to have to beg you (unless he’s in the bedroom) to try every little thing! He KNOWS you’re not going to like everything and he KNOWS you’re going to be NERVOUS! And that’s okay! He’s here for you and he’s not going to take offense because you didn’t like something. Everybody’s different and that’s what makes the world so interesting but you have to be able to give in a little and let loose or else this relationship just won’t work! He doesn’t expect you to try everything, somethings you just know that you won’t like. Hate chewy textures? Then you probably won’t like the shrimp or the calamari. You know your body best! He just wants to make as many firsts with you and fill his photo album of you two 💜

Ghiaccio

Impatience / no empathy: Now before you call him a hypocrite try to understand his side of the story. He’s neurodivergent and he has to constantly adjust to his environment. His senses are always being overwhelmed. He needs someone who’s Autistic too, neurodivergent in another way, or just understands him. He can’t have someone snapping back at him to calm down and stop being so angry all the time! He’s not doing it because he wants to! He loves being calm!

He has no time for an argumentative s/o that isn’t understanding with him. He’s really a sweet guy when he isn’t on edge. Make him a meal with all his sides separate, and make sure the texture is juuuusssst right. Don’t get upset when he’s getting annoyed with the tag on the back of his shirt bothering him or if he doesn’t have the right socks for his shoes. He hates the scratchy material of cheap socks…he likes them super soft! If he gets irritated about an idiom let him rant it out. Maybe take the time to explain to him what it means if he doesn’t know. He still might be annoyed but he’ll thank you for sitting through one of his rants.

This may sound like a tall order but trust me on this-he’s easy to please because he likes the same thing every time. He will always repay your patience with the utmost gratitude!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for lying to my friends and causing someone to end their life?

🫐☎️🧼 

So I can find this later

Trigger warning for suicide. 

In this situation I'm aware I fucked up badly multiple times, but I want to know for sure whether I was in the wrong. I went through the FAQ to check that this submission is okay and sorry if there's something disqualifying it I didn catch!

I (minor) was active in an online group where I made some online friends. The group was for preteens, teens, and very young adults (13-21.) I befriended one person, Blueberry (fake name, because emoji) and we became close over a few months. At one point they admitted they had a crush on me I didn't feel the same, but we agreed to stay friends and it didn't affect the friendship.

One thing about this group is that it was aimed at mental health. Me and this person had similar problems with depression and suicidal thoughts (both actively suicidal) and often talked when one of us was in a dark place. When Blueberry turned 18 things took a turn for the worst. Multiple times a week they had panic attacks (they were in the process of getting diagnosed with OCD and bad intrusive thoughts) or crisis and attempted several times. I got overwhelmed. Instead of establishing a boundary like I should have, I started ghosting them for a few hours if it got too bad. It got to the point I'd log on once or twice a day to check in, but instead of ever chatting, the conversation always ended in their next plan to kill themselves. This one was my fault, as we'd had casual convos about this stuff in the main group. I and others did what we could to help, like providing support and helplines. Blueberry did contact many and it saved them lots. 

By this point Blueberry had done lots of other risky stuff. They lashed out and blocked a lot of mutual friends, made a fake account to pretend to be a young teen at one point (but deleted it when I asked), and other things. I didn't want to lose them as a friend so I covered for Blueberry when it was exposed. I should point out Blueberry was never mean to me they were really nice. They liked to learn about my interests and complimented me and others lots and I tried to do the same (learn about what they liked, tell them I was happy to hear from them, etx)

Obviously people of the group felt betrayed when they found out Blueberry was catfishing them as this younger teen. In Blueberry's own words, I was "the only one they could trust." Blueberry admitted again that they wanted to be more than friends, but since they were now 18 and I was still a few years younger than them I asked to just be friends because the age gap was uncomfy. They were okay with it. The next day, Blueberry said goodbye to me and deleted their account. I was really upset by this and we talked one last time where I wished them well and said how much I'd miss them but didn't think something was seriously wrong because Blueberry and me had discussed them leaving the group before because it was hurting their mental health. 

Later a friend of both Blueberry and me reached out about their behavior the days before they left and some conversations I hadn't seen. All of us are pretty sure they didn't just delete their account—they killed themself. The goodbye message proved this. I was upset and angry that they were dead, said sorry to the group for lying to them about Blueberry catfishing, and left the group.

I think I may be the asshole here because I was really selfish here in not wanting to address Blueberry's really creepy catfishing (pretending to be a young teen, which knowing that they had romantic feelings for me could have led to them befriending people lots younger than them which is bad) because I didn't want to lose the friendship, and also because if I hadn't ghosted Blueberry using mental health as an excuse I don't think they would have killed themselves. If I am the asshole here, what could I do better next time if I have a similar problem again? 

[youunravelme]

Who are some other writers we should check out?

Love your fic recs 😁

omg i LOVE this ask! (and i love that you trust me to rec things/blogs/fics! it's a huge honor)

i'm gonna put this under a read more because there's a lot of people i think are worth following (and if i rec'ed you and got your pronouns wrong, please tell me and i'll fix it!)

so i'm gonna attempt to organize this list by player. disclaimer: i don't read for every hockey player in existence.

mat barzal (obvi number one bc he's the loml)

@barzysunflower - lolo (she/her) is the first mat barzal writer i actually read and when i tell you i binged her masterlist???? it's so good, my favs are the you are in love series and the unexpected series!

@thewintersoldierdisaster - literally anything she writes is great, i go feral for it tbh. she writes for a few canes players as well, but my favs are the mat fics (for obvious reasons being that i'm in love with him). especially the fics with the baby (whose name i cannot remember) and when mat calls reader squeaks???? i'm in love.

@islesnucks - clara (she/her) has so many good mat fics and headcanons (seriously, headcanons are underrated and need more love in general). i think she was also a writer that made me fall in love with mat because she just writes him as the dream romantic hero every single time.

@hockeywhy - i am almost positive that they are tired of me tagging them, but the truth is, they are the writer of my all time fav mat series caught in the middle! but they also have other great mat fics and matthew tkachuk fics that i've enjoyed almost as much! i don't think they're as active anymore writing wise BUT if you want amazing writing and haven't checked them out, you should!

auston matthews

@bagopucks - ella (she/her) hands down my fav auston series is her single mom!reader series. it's the perfect balance of angst and found family and it's just flat out wonderful. she also has a masterlist full of other fics too, that series just happens to be my favorite. but if you wanted another fav of mine, read the jack hughes fic "a little funky," it's about a reader with ocd and as someone with ocd, it was really impactful!

jack hughes

@chewingcyanide - emme (she/they) literally writes the most poetic fics i think i've ever read. everytime she publishes something new, i am stunned. seriously, i honestly take notes from her writing style. stories aside, if you wanted to become a better writer, check out her stuff, it'll really inspire you to use more descriptive words! her breakable heaven series is what introduced me to her writing and it's phenomenal!

@babydollmarauders - faithlynn (she/her) i'm almost positive that faithlynn was the first hockey writer i really followed because jack hughes was my gateway drug into the hockey world. she has so many fun series and aus going on not only for jack but for other devils players, so if you love the devils, definitely check her out!

@jackhues - naqia (she/her) also has a really fun series called mockingbird and it's technically more focused on the friendship/brother-sister relationship jack's gf (reader) and quinn have but it's really sweet. she also has a great auston au as well!

others

@ladylooch - b (she/her) is great! i put her in this category because i feel like she writes a lot for a lot of different players. i've loved her stuff with nico and mat alike. she also has a pretty consistent schedule as well from what i've gathered (which, girl, share your secrets please)

@troubatrain - kim (she/her) wrote my fav beau fic (set it up) and has written some really good fics for matthew tkachuk too! i absolutely adore the soccer player!reader fic and the blurbs that go along with it!

@comphersjost - m (she/they) again, i've said it once, i'll say it again SHE WROTE MY FAV MATT SERIES OF ALL TIME (all for you). I GO BACK AND READ IT OFTEN. literally had me weeping at times. she also wrote some other fics for auston that i've really enjoyed as well!

@sydnikov - sydney (she/her) has written some realyl great fics for andrei and some for nico hischier and jack hughes (and a few others i think, but those are the ones i've read) and they're just fantastic! she's also a canes fan if you want more canes content!

feel free to reblog this with your own author recommendations (in fact i highly encourage it! there are so many good writers on this godforsaken site and these are just the authors i find myself reblogging every time they post!

[gl1tchr]

loved your riddler rant, you should do more. for the most part i agree but i wanna ramble too and see what you think

my thing with Dano Riddler is that i think it maybe started with selfless genuine intentions, at least as selfless as any riddler character could manage to be. but because he kept digging and digging and uncovering more, without anyone listening to him in the process mind you, that’s when all the already fragile trust for literally anyone shattered completely, and his delusional mind saw everyone as a threat and corrupted. the whole city needed a reboot, a fresh start

and the ones he still saw as innocent he probably just believed in his twisted mind that he would be doing them a favor, risking their death, but death would be a mercy compared to being in this godforsaken city

yes most was selfish revenge, but i still think there’s a small part of him that seriously believed he was doing “good” and was thinking of other kids. we see that written in his journal too, which wasn’t for public it was purely him to himself, so i think that was some genuine intentions there.

also eh…ahh the trauma part a little rocky, like I understand what you mean there’s absolutely guys like that (😪), but this edward’s self loathing comes from a genuine place of trauma and mental illness it’s not just the attention seeking aspect of “oh woe is me i suuuuck boo hoo” it’s actual implied bpd, ocd, intrusive thoughts whatever else.

not at all saying the trauma + mental illness list cancels his self-centeredness or anything out btw, yes he’s still very much selfish and wants attention and it’s especially heightened once the riddler persona comes out to play. it just felt like you were undermining it slightly, when depth+trauma was an explicitly stated focal point of his character (imo if that’s what they were going for, which again it was, the movie itself could’ve done better to show this. cuz yeah oof i understand casual viewers seeing the surface level “oh, he’s just another dumb villain who’s crazy purely for the sake of crazy 😐” but at least Paul Dano made a great comic. anyway slightly different tangent lol)

idk i might be wrong. that’s just my brief, summed up-ish interpretation. again though love and respect your take, would love to hear more.

Oh nono all of this can be extremely true in tandem with everything I said as well! That's the complex part of mentally ill characters that people love to muddy so badly is the line between the deliberate and the subconscious. Edward is DEEPLY troubled, I would argue the Most out of any Riddler save for maybe one or two other interpretations and he is a victim of the system before anything else, and many of his intentions to him and generally absolutely may have been good ones at the start. But as with any Riddler, he can only be "fixed" [in his eyes] by being validated, being seen. And this is what tells us the things Edward does because he's hurting inside versus the things he does because he actually has some more selfish and ill-intentioned motives. HE'S SO DEEPLY LAYERED AND RICH AND I LOVE HIM JUST AS MUCH AS HIS PREDECESSORS

[doctorpandorica]

So Fanfiction, Deadpool and Wolverine, and Logan, made have a fucking epiphany about my mental health. Seeing it sky rocket at the box office, gives me hope that A, I am not alone and B, the world can be a better place. And I have to say, I really do believe both Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman deserve the world.

For the first time in my life yesterday, I looked at myself and thought I look pretty. The FUCKING kicker is I did again this morning and I felt the same way. Maybe just a baby step, but it's a step in the right fucking direction mother fuckers. But, How did I get here (Yes, I'm pulling this shit on you).....

I have horrendous fear of endings and I finally learned....or accepted it's because it's symptomatic of my misery. Things like desperation, depression and anxiety can trick you into the allure of mistaking familiarity as comforting, even when it's hurting you. That you are far less that what you are actually and are deserving of far less than you actually do, that the consequences of our choices are proof that our pessimistic view is the whole of reality.

But, it's only half of the truth and that is the majesty of realism, seeing the glass is both half full and half empty. The best understanding of Pessimism, Optimism and realism can be explained in a quote by William Arthur Ward. Where the three are stuck out at sea on a sail boat,

"The Pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."

To make the best choices in life you need to see every possibility and my heart goes out to those that are so blinded by pessimism, hope seems like fairy tale. I mean it's hard enough even if you can see things are possible but, it's still a bitch of an up road battle.

Which brings me to one of the most devastating ones in my life, the death of my dad. I always wondered how someone who seemed so sure of himself, could understand my pain so well. In hindsight I knew he had very hard life, it shouldn't have surprised me that he not only had crippling OCD, Anxiety but, depressions that at times reached suicidal ideations.

I was more my father's daughter than I realized, and took those fucking movie, to really appreciate what that meant.

Don't blindly accept things, ask questions.

If I had, I would've realized it's not that I don't care what others think, I'm really fucking depressed. And that's why I don't put effort in what I wear, or personal hygiene or wear make up. Never assume to know who you are, that's part of the majesty of life, that not knowing.

You never truly fail, until you give up.

For more clarity , I would like to add, some words of wisdom from a beloved science teacher,

"If at first you don't succeed, find out why"

Treat people fairly, across the board "Give people a chance"

To be sparingly coupled with, both

Trust your gut

This requires a lot of hard work, with self regulation and introspection. I've found DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy to be very helpful. Which I must add the following because, I was wrongfully diagnosed with Autism (feeds into the dangers of acceptance). My therapist who diagnosed me ironically introduced to me the saving grace that is DBT. But, told me it wouldn't help me because I am autistic which she came to the conclusion based on ...

Flat Effect

Only developed when I hit puberty, the same time I developed depression and anxiety. People don't develop autism later on in their life, they are born with it.

Black and white thinking

If anything I think this is the problem with society and for anyone to say this about me, has obviously never heard me talk about anything. I found this utterly insulting

Anger prone

Repressed emotions and didn't start happening until 20's

Lack of Eye contact

I get really nervous around meeting new people, particularly if they stand really close to me for some fucking reason.  Once I get to know people I have no problem looking them in the eye.

Lack of Socialization

Low self-esteem brought on by my Depression

Social Anxiety and general Anxiety (fear of doing something wrong)

I actually do have a desire to socialize, but mistook relief after social based anxious episodes as me not liking it.

The same was done with someone very close to me, who was told they were Bipolar even though it didn't fit. They chose to trust they 're doctor, and was proven insanely wrong by they're new Doctor who aptly diagnosed them as having Borderline Personality and they are doing so much better.

Anyway I participated in a DBT group for about 16 weeks or so, one of which was diagnosed late in life with a form of autism. And the difference by the end of those weeks only strengthened my faith in DBT.

Don't start anything, but always finish

Don't go looking for a fight but, stand up for yourself when necessary, emphasis on necessary.

As long as people aren't hurting others or themselves, mind your own business

For some people this can be tricky, especially for those guided by their idealized narratives of the world. Again DBT can help with this in the grand scheme of things.

I mistakenly thought, that because I didn't seem to react how I would expect (bad assumptions) that I was fine. Even though, I was able to acknowledge that I was deeply depressed, which I was able to trace back to age 11, which for clarity was 20 years ago. Which fun fact I only discovered in my senior year of high school, followed by my anxiety a year later my first year of college. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE !!! EVEN IF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW!!! HAPPYNESS MAY NOT BE A CHOICE BUT THE PATH TO IT IS!!!

More In-depth analysis of how Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds and Marvel factor into follow in follow up post. Because This post is too damn long, already. Thank you to those who read it all the way through , I wish you contentment.

[beemovieerotica]

if you feel comfortable with sharing, can you explain the process for the psilocybin trial? like what you had to do, who was with you in the room, the people involved, ect.

Oh for sure!

The whole process took about 4 months from the initial screening survey to the first actual treatment. (I still have another treatment scheduled for a couple weeks from now, as of writing this).

To get started, I filled out a survey online, sent an e-mail to their point of contact, did a brief phone interview, and then I was enrolled.

I had 2 big in-person pre-treatment events, and the first was a full 8-hour day of psychological and physical screenings (lots and lots of surveys) - including an in-person sit-down with a psychiatrist going through basically everything in my past. Adverse events, my childhood, life stress, relationships, anything that might come up during the psilocybin session and that plays a part in aggravating OCD.

I also talked with an OCD specialist, another remote psychiatrist, and did a full physical with their medical team, got a complete blood panel done, and an EKG since hallucinogens can cause spikes in blood pressure, and I would have been screened out if I had any cardiac conditions.

Once I got the all-clear on my blood panel and EKG reading, I was able to move on to he second in-person visit. It was a full day of EEG testing to get my baseline brain activity down - they hooked me up to a monitor with electrodes on my head, and I played a lot of very boring video games, did memory tests, and they showed me distressing, neutral, and happy images to see what my reaction was - again, for a full 8-ish hour day.

All of these in-person visits required urine drug screenings - I was not allowed to take THC or any other substance for the duration of the study. Specific prescription medications are also not allowed.

We then set the date for my actual dosing sessions and I was assigned two guides. One of them is an MD + psychiatrist, the other is a psychiatrist. I had three prep sessions with them, going in-depth and basically letting them know who I am and why I want to do all this, and they were there to answer any questions I had and help get me mentally prepared. Overall we wanted to establish trust & safety, because they would be the two people watching over me and interacting with me during my session.

I went in-person two days before my session to see the space where I would be tripping and meet my guides face to face. The space is a very soothing psychiatrist's office type place with a sofa, comfy chairs, nice carpeting, and peaceful pictures on the walls. My guides are awesome - they were selected for me by the point of contact who had helped me through most of the screening, who worked to match participants with study staff. There's always an open line of communication - I've been able to text and call them with concerns, and I was also notified that if I want to change guides at any point (or if I want to drop out of the study altogether) I can do so with no repercussions.

The dosing session was a full 9-5 day: I arrived at 8:30 to do a urine drug screening, fill out surveys, and then I took a blue pill and waited for the effects to kick in. The whole session was recorded for my safety and for accountability of the guides.

The sofa had been converted to a bed - I was asked, as much as possible, to just lie down, put on a sleep mask to block out any vision / light, and wear noise-canceling headphones with a pre-selected playlist of instrumental music on it. I really enjoyed the playlist (lol) I felt like it set the tone for a lot of the revelations I had, and they genuinely did a great job choosing tracks.

The whole point was to minimize outside influences and to have the participants look inward and work on themselves. The guides offered two options for physical reassurance: if I wanted, I could put my hand out and one of them would come over and ask, "Do you want your hand held?" and if I replied affirmatively, they would hold my hand firmly until I asked them to stop. They also offered a "shoulder touch" - firm pressure on the shoulder - but I only took the hand hold for about a half hour on the come-up before sailing off on my own.

They also said that I was completely free to remove the headphones and mask and talk to them at any point if it became overwhelming - they would engage with me as much as I needed to, but they would gently encourage participants to re-enter the "default state" (lying down, eyes closed, music on).

I ended up only talking to them when I needed bathroom breaks - they walked me over to the bathroom (no lock), waited outside, and walked me back to make sure I didn't fall.

They had a medical kit in the room, and I was told that if my blood pressure ever reached a concerning point, they had sub-lingual meds that could lower it and put me back in a safe zone. My BP was fine the whole time, and other than my heart rate being a bit high from initial anxiety, it leveled off as soon as the peak hit.

I was in it, processing and crying for the whole 5 hours of the trip and only responding when they needed to take my blood pressure and heart rate (at first every 5 minutes, then 30 minutes, then every hour - this was done with minimal interruption, I barely noticed it happening). After the trip, I came out of it and talked to them and processed a little bit of what had happened still on the video recording - they were really curious about big first impressions and highlights of the trip. I filled out a bunch of surveys. Spouse came and picked me up, and I was asked to do a full write-up at home capturing everything I'd experienced on the trip.

I'm currently in the "in-between" phase and am doing my check-ins and processing of the first trip before I do my second one next-next week. The full study length is six months long - I'm going to keep doing check-ins and surveys into next year to see if the positive effects actually stick around for that long. Six months is kind of the gold standard for a lot of clinical trials, and I think it's also about as long as they can usually retain people and keep them responding to surveys lol. I'm trying to think if I've missed anything, let me know if you have any other questions!

[youuuimeanmee]

RWTGI 36 - 37.2 Thoughts

Forgive the 3 chapters at once, lol. If you want to read my thoughts on the latest chapter, it's on down below!

Chapter 36

If you tell me 2 years ago that Yoshino would sleep in the corridor to wait for Kirishima, I would laugh in your face. I never thought this day would come when she's genuinely worried for him.

(Then again, he almost died trying to save her and they have been close lately, so that's fair)

WOW okay queen, slayy. Ugh those pillows look so soft-

That aside, I was shocked. I get that she was too tired to change, but really Asuka? Really? Blatant fanservice outta nowhere? Is she trying to grab the male demographic too? Not that it didn't grab the females already with that kind of bod-

WHY do we get Yoshino's full bod, yet we only get a glimpse of Shouma's abs? I demand equality.

Oh Yoshino. What are you, a dog? How could you differentiate Kiri's smell amongst all else??

Wow Kiri really uses his room as a front. He really didn't lie when he said he can't sleep near anyone's presence. He's like an animal hiding inside a deep cave. And to think his real bedroom is the same place where he often received his punishment.

In the raws, Yoshino actually says in a small note, "That's so typical of Kirishima (to keep things spotless)..."

I remember when Kiri always tidied up Yoshino's mess. I thought he only did it because it's for her, but to think he also keep his own place spotless... Does he have OCD? Then again, serial killers like keeping their place clean-

Question: If Kirishima is inside, how the hell did he lock his place using that kind of lock?

It's giving the vibe of a villain' secret lair.

Why is the room so cold though. I thought it's still October/November. Did he not install a heater there, or did he intentionally blast an AC to freeze some randos who try to break in?

My heart JUMPED when I saw him in the corner of the panel. That panel placement is a genius.

I was so relieved when I see him 🥺🥺 I'm glad he's not masochistic enough to keep his wounds infected. At least he got some treatment (hopefully from the hospital, but I'll take what I can get).

Wow, she really made sure she didn't see a dead body.

SCREAMING CREAMING CRYING.

Asuka really knows how to make a cliffhanger.

THANK YOU for the precious glossary, scans team! 💞😭

Chapter 37.1

Awright! Yoshino and Kirishima finally meet! This means Yoshino would call Shouma about Kirishima so he won't report this incident to Renji! Right?

Judging by his passwords, I thought I was getting better at reading him. Turns out he intentionally made it easier to guess? Wow, way to make a person feel like an idiot.

He really takes Tsubaki's advice to heart 🤣 Starting to regret the time when you burn those albums, don't you.

(Did he burn his all his photos because of sentimental reason, or because he didn't want his enemies to find his weakness?)

Okay, so he really went to the hospital. Good.

Kiri got to have some serious enemies if he only goes to a hospital he could trust.

It's been hammered down again and again that he has no one he completely trust except Yoshino. I hate this kind of set up. It's cliché, yet, it's still playing with my heart.

The way he tried to warm her nosee aughh

Those movements, and no resistance from Yoshino at all?? This is new. She must be really worried and thankful to even care about their positions.

Kirishima, you really said some crazy stuff sometimes.

What. The fuck. Do you mean. You're prepared. To be a missing person. And. To be. An unnamed corpse. Just. To keep. Yoshino. Safe.

I know I said he's unhinged, but he still managed to shock me. I'm impressed.

Istg he's really testing my heart lately. Wdym I'm gonna fall again for Miyama Kirishima. It's not gonna happen?? (It happens)

Still no phone call for Shouma. I hope it's on the next chapter.

Chapter 37.2

Woow, a lot of subtext in this episode. You really need to read between the lines to understand their convo.

Everybody trust Kirishima enough (due to his track records) to protect Yoshino so they're not worried for her safety at all; if anything, it'd be Soumei Renji who's in most trouble.

Basically, Renji from Kirigaya Group (Kansai region) has many enemies because he made a pact with Gaku from Tokusa Group (Kantou region) -- to form a peaceful(?) alliance; despite their clashing ideals. Renji also negotiated for his group to join Kantou region despite the difference in region. Both regions have been on feud for 60 years and it should be for a good reason, so there must be a lot of people within Kirigaya and Tokusa who weren't happy with this joint. (I have to revisit ch 1, 7, & 8 to understand this, sigh). Just a reminder, there was a similar attempt in the past, but it ended with a gang war.

Dang, so even Suo Azami's real identity is faked.

Azami is a drug and weapon dealer?? Fuck.

If we remember ch 26, Akame Hishibe from Tokusa and Azuma Narumi from Kirigaya are conspiring against Renji. Narumi probably aimed to be Kirigaya's number 1 after Renji died, but what about Hishibe? What's his aim? Kirishima said Azami is currently used by yakuza. Could it be, Hishibe made Azami kill Renji because he promised him he'd make a huge profit from drugs and weapons because there's gonna be a gang war once Renji is dead?

I strayed off, lol. Anyways, back to the chapter.

So, as long as Renji is unaware of Yoshino's kidnap, she and Kirishima could live together happily ever after. Now please call Shouma that Kirishima is back safely so he won't have to tell Renji, please.

Wow Kirishimaa. He is so stupidly honest, but sometimes he's such a crafty little shit. This is the same when he agreed to do paper-rock-scissors with Yoshino because he's aware he'd win. He made Yoshino think she has her own choice, when in fact it's all a set up by him. Real glad Yoshino busted his ass this time though, he can't get away with this forever.

Asuka be trying real hard with this whole show-don't-tell, huh. In short, Kirishima finally told Yoshino directly that he's been obsessed interested in her since 12 years old. He's so in love with her, to the point where her small quirk is so endearing to him. Without her, he would've been bored to death. He'd rather die without her, but he'd do his best to live if he's with her.

Sad, but Yoshino couldn't understand his devotion. She thought based on her understanding, love is something that'd wear out sooner or later. She couldn't really rely on Kirishima's feeling forever; and thus, she payed him with money as an insurance because money's value won't change while feelings might change; or at least that's her logic.

(After all the buildup, she still couldn't trust him completely. Is this bc she's traumatized with his drastic change in ch 2? 😭 Wow Kirishima, you fucked up big time)

Woow Yoshino, way to gaslight him what he feel is not love 😂 when your understanding of 'love' is probably just a crush 🤣

Does she realize if they managed to catch Suo Azami, they're essentially preventing a gang war? Probably not.

Heh. She covered her nose because it's cold. Cute.

Wdym she placed herself in that side of the bed. She won't be able to escape easily in that position. Kirishima could just lean to her side with his uninjured hand. Is she not sus Kirishima would do something to her? And why she sleep with him in the first place when she could just go back to her room? She really trust him now, huh.

The tearrss. Is that a tear of relieve, happiness? Or is that a tear of tiredness, lol.

Aww, Kiri. He used to say he can't sleep with anyone's presence including Yoshino, but look at him now 🥹

I am glad you guys made a stronger team than ever, but

CAN SOMEONE CONTACT SHOUMA SO HE WON'T TELL ON RENJI PLEASE??

Damn this turned out much longer than I expected, lmao. But that's because these chapters have been bombs. Can't wait for the next one! XD

[justanothersyscourse]

oh hi it’s -flower anon

I mostly was sending the asks in since I have moral OCD and the uncertainty and genuine horrible things I’ve seen very much conflict.

I’m only anti-endo due to the very, very cultish nature of a lot of it and have fallen for too many cults already.

(I was groomed into a online cannibalism gore cult at a very young age and still deal deal with the consequences of that, fell for way too many death cults, and almost was lost to way too many other hateful things)

so when the Moral OCD kicks in I trust it, it’s only lead me out of these bad situations.

I know my opinions are probably very uncommon, but too many cults and cultish mindsets I’ve fell for.

honest to god, I was at one point ready to kill myself because I thought overpopulation was real And those accelerationists got to me.

so for wholehearted honesty it’s too much for me, personally I believe fully in cultural and spiritual multiplicity.

But most endo/tulpa/willo spaces aren’t that, and that uncertainty of if- “is this person saying that ‘hey this is just a cultural and spiritual thing’ or is this person not any of those what are they I don’t wanna get into a covert cult again”

but as the current state of endo/willo/Tulsa spaces are, it’s so so cultish that it’s triggering me.

Everything sets off so many alarms in my brain that I trained myself to recognize,

so that’s why I was worrying and asking about it.

you’d too if you had fallen for so many dangerous cult stuff.

Too many death cults man, too many online death cults.

Hi flower ❤️ I hope you're doing okay. I've been sitting on this draft, debating if what I have to say would be helpful or damaging.

You came back, though, so I feel that I need to respond in some way... I'm going to be honest, I'm scared to make this post, this is a very polarized topic in the system community. But... maybe what I say can help someone.

I hope you'll read through to the end. No matter what, whether you disagree with me or not, I genuinely hope you're okay and that things get a bit easier for you. It probably doesn't help, but I know what you're feeling.

I have bad OCD myself. I'm lucky in that I don't struggle with that specific type anymore, but I feel for you 🫂

I'm also very sorry to hear about what you've been through ):

Before I talk, know that this response isn't to change your mind. My only goal is to try to help settle some of that stress.

I want you to feel less stressed by this entire thing. It's okay.

When I was still very heavily anti endo, I felt the exact same way. I'm not just saying that. I also run sysmedsaresexist, and I'm pretty sure I have posts calling the pro endo community "cult-ish" in nature. I probably did it a number of times. You're not alone in that view. I was worried that doctors were going to fall for it, that innocent people were getting dragged into believing they were systems, all of it. Been there, done that.

However, as I slowly moved from anti to critical, I realized BOTH sides display the EXACT same behaviors. The antis were just as bad, once I stepped back to look at it.

To the point that if you put the posts next to each other with identifying characteristics hidden, it could come from, and be about either side. Here's an example.

Either both sides are a cult, or cult is not an appropriate word to be using for syscourse.

It's the latter, I've learned over the years.

And once I got over myself and actually spoke with endo systems... I swear to you, I promise you, with every fiber of my being, that most of what you hear is fear mongering.

Most.

But the same can be said about anti endos. Endos are terrified of antis, but that's because they only hear other endos talking about their HORRIBLE experiences with antis. Some of it is true, most of it isn't, most is... more than a little bit exaggerated.

It just is. Endos think you, specifically you, flower anon, send death threats.

Do you? I'm willing to bet not, but you're lumped into that group whether you like it or not, whether it's true or not.

While syscourse can feel TERRIFYING, like life versus death (trust me, I know), I promise it's actually okay.

It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay.

The medical community is going to be okay. Your resources will be okay. The endos will be okay. The antis will be okay.

I am still actively involved in clinical circles, and I promise you, doctors know the difference between CDDs and plurality. Doctors ARE talking about endogenic systems, but try to give them a bit more credit.

Did you know that the multiple theory of self is as old as the ToSD? But it's a concept based in philosophy and the discussion of consciousness. These are two totally different things that are both valid. The issue is overlapping language. But if we're mad about "system" being shared, why aren't we more mad at IFS? Does "computer system" dehumanize CDD systems, too? That's dumb. No it doesn't.

Radqueers exist in every single community, and so do people who don't like radqueers. For every radqueer endo, there's another endo squinting hard at that and complaining to their friends. There are radqueer DID systems. They exist. It happens. It's like saying lesbians are bad because there's radfems and radqueers in that community, too. The intersection of multiplicity, sexuality and gender is VERY confusing, with more moving parts than you can count. Obviously there are going to be people with very wide and very narrow views about it.

(That said, I don't bother with radqueer stuff very much, I have NEVER participated in that discourse because I don't feel that I understand the nuance of it enough to have a fully informed view of it.

Wouldn't it be nice if more people could acknowledge that they don't understand things enough?

Anti endos, I'm looking at you)

Your ability to see cult tactics in things is something that has protected you, but that doesn't make it healthy. Do not try to overcome or change that part of you without the help of a specialist. That's not what I'm saying.

Seeing the world as dangerous, and signs of danger in the world, is what protects everyone, but for trauma affected people, this ability is broken. It's hyperactive. That's something that we all approach in therapy, eventually. You don't need to change right now, but one day you'll want to be able to see the good in things, and that takes so much more practice and guidance than you could imagine.

An easy way to start, though, is empathy and introspection-- not just into your self, but into your community. To recognize the double standards and be able to critically put aside those fears and concerns without someone else making the decision for you.

I can tell you that isolation is a major tactic used by cults, and it's the antis telling you to do that, isn't it? They say, don't even hear the other side out, I'll tell you what they're saying, and you can just believe me.

Isn't that what @number1-syscourse-blog was telling you to do? And it's only the pro side saying you can be friends with BOTH sides-- not just other pro endos, but telling you that it's okay to be friends with antis and pros. That it's healthy and good to surround yourself with differing opinions and form your own conclusions. I don't know if you can see the number of people telling number1 syscourse what a bad response that was. Not just me, SO MANY PEOPLE! They're all blocked and hidden now.

Because the full picture is a beautiful thing.

Making your own choices and drawing your own conclusions is a powerful thing.

And the picture is not as ugly or scary as number1 syscourse would have you believe.

My suggestion to you is to just... not talk syscourse with your friends. Just be friends. Talk about the dumbest shit and remember that you're both just human, trying to understand the world around you.

For fun, and to settle minds, let's go through, just to drive the point home. It's going under a cut, just in case, but be aware, I'm critically tearing apart both sides for being ridiculous.

Pros and antis, cult edition

Characteristics of a cult:

Absolute authoritarianism without accountability

Now, neither side has a leader, so to speak, but we can talk about how members of each community can say whatever they want without any accountability. We have people on both sides wishing death on the other, and no one is stepping in to say, "yo, wtf?" No, those posts are instead spread further by people reblogging their friends, because 🌈 brand loyalty 🌈 rather than any kind of critical thought.

Yes, both sides do this. No, that's not up for debate. It's happening. If you think it's not, you're either being willfully blind, or you've fallen into the isolation trap.

DNIs aren't shields against shitty behavior, just like free speech doesn't allow for hate speech, but people sure do love hiding behind DNIs. Like, they'll post a GOOD ask, with great points, and respond with a womp womp, can't you read my DNI, and it's like... maybe you should have read more than the first line, my dude. Free publicity for the other sides' ideals, because you literally can't be bothered to read anything.

Honesty, I think the block feature is the downfall of humanity. There are anti endo blogs posting misinformation on DID that can't be corrected because they've blocked everyone that knows more than them. I've tried to correct a lot of them, I'm blocked.

It's an echo chamber, much like how you view pro endo spaces.

Zero tolerance for criticism or questions

Come on, do I actually need to talk about this? See the DNI point again. Good asks with good points with a nonsense response because, OH GOD, anon dared to have a slightly different belief on something. Endo neutrals, people trying to ask questions and learn, aren't even allowed to interact with most blogs, even just for questions.

Lack of meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget

Another way that "cult" isn't an appropriate term, though we could talk about TPA here. I really, really don't like the TPA.

Unreasonable fears about the outside world that often involve evil conspiracies and persecutions

Hey, pot, meet kettle.

A belief that former followers are always wrong for leaving and there is never a legitimate reason for anyone else to leave

Hey, that's what happened to me when I left the anti side!

Abuse of members

Yeah, they abused me pretty bad for trying to correct misinformation on @antimisinfo's (an anti endo) post. People are constantly being ostracized and kicked out of their community for looking too hard at the other side. God forbid you hear them out, for curiosities sake.

Records, books, articles, or programs documenting the abuses of the leader or group

Not really?

Followers feeling they are never able to be “good enough”

Maybe if you squint?

A belief that the leader is right at all times

Who would the leader be? Science? Because science does support endos, and antis won't read a single word of it.

A belief that the leader is the exclusive means of knowing “truth” or giving validation

Again, if we call science the leader... but again, that only applies to antis.

The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s), and its members

I can see it, I guess. Mostly out of antis claiming the elite title for trauma.

The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society

Both sides have this problem.

The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify whatever means it deems necessary. This may result in members’ participating in behaviors or activities they would have considered reprehensible or unethical before they joined the group

Again, see the point about friends reblogging other friends wishing death on the other side.

The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and/or control members. Often, this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion. Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.

This would be like saying you're betraying your side for talking to the other side. Huh. Kind of like what happened to you.

Just because the word cult CAN be applied to things doesn't mean it should be. Especially in syscourse, where one side has such a dark history with cult activity, it feels very... inappropriate to call pro/antis in syscourse a cult.

Really, it's just a bunch of people screaming that they're more right than the other side, and using fear mongering to make points that don't actually matter.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Story time:

There was a kid in my town who sold radios. Home stereos, portable boomboxes, car radios, it didn't matter. You wanted it, it played music, kid sold it.

This is not the part of the story where I sell you an honorable story about a kid earning for a family who can't keep up. Kid had a reasonably secure homelife, just liked having cash on hand for things they wanted. Everyone knew these were not exactly electronics with legitimate provenance, you feel me? But that didn't matter. Kid sold decent equipment at good prices, so if the kid said a case of cassette players fell off the back of a truck, then it fell off the back of a truck.

I get that some people have never lived in communities where the illegitimate market was a staple in community survival, but where I grew up "criminal" was a job title.

Story time:

My mom sold drugs for the cartels. She was a teenager alone in a city where she didn't know anyone, gay as a maypole, school drop out, couldn't hold down a job between the homophobia, the earthquakes, and the severe trauma. So she sold drugs for the local distributer because he didn't care who she fucked or when she needed a day off. Sometimes she spent her drug money on drugs of her own. Sometimes she spent it on expensive sex toys for her and her friends. Sometimes she spent it on food and rent. Sometimes she gave it away to the other queer kids.

The world is a complicated place, and people make complicated choices. Good and bad are rarely what we think they are. We can make that a problem for ourselves by fighting it, or we can accept it and play in the space.

My mom told me about her drug dealer days when she had a talk with me about recreational drug use as a kid. She told me that she tried cocaine once and liked it so much she knew she couldn't try it again. She told me to only ever smoke marijuana if I watched the buds ground up or ground them up myself. She told me not to get high or drunk with anyone unless I trusted them with my life. She told me that if I ever took something and it went wrong that I could call her. And she told me something that she ended up saying a lot: "the only absolute is that there are no absolutes"

Ironically, given my OCD, this was a really protective message. Her point was that doubt, uncertainty, change, difference, were inevitable, and would always take us by surprise until we learned how to internalize that truth. Better to build yourself a comfortable palace of self-reflection in that doubt and uncertainty, and allow the variability of life to be your anchor.

I've been supporting myself since I was a teenager, and maybe one day I'll find something as good as the sound of that giant ass boombox with the batteries the size of a hamster pumping out prince and tracy chapman and the indigo girls under the mulberry tree out front while the smell of my aunties and mom smoking up out back drifts off into the woods. Maybe I'll even find people who see the beauty and humanity in the mess the way I do.

[inurehuman]

pantomime reboot

Full Name ── Theophilus William Camden

✮ Proxy Name ──PANT⦻MIME

✮ Nicknames ── Mime, Smiler, BNW freak (BY jeff, doesn't like it)

✮ Gender ── Male

✮ Sexuality ── Aroace(Cupioromantic and asexual)

✮ Sexual Preference ── None

✮ Pronouns ── he/they/it

✮ Date of Birth ── 19th september 1906

✮ Age ── 118

✮ Place of Birth ── England

✮ Nationality ── English

✮ Languages ── BSL, speaks English when xe is forced to speak

✮ Scars ── scars and burn marks across his skin from being tortured while he was in the "hospital"

✮ Height ── 6'8 feet

✮ MBTI ── INTP

✮ Zodiac Sign ── Virgo

✮ Natural Hair Color ── brown

✮ Hair Colour (now) ── black

✮ Hair Length ── to xiers chin

✮ Eye Colour ── Black

✮ Skin Colour ── brown

✮ Smell ── Black ink

✮ Proxy-mark ── wrist(covers them up)

☆ has met Zalgo before two years after being turned into what it is now and 3 years before being turned into a proxy

☆ gets along best with the organ harvester, Ticci toby, Pick pocket and Terror tony.

☆ tried to kill jeff once during a manic episode

☆ Once kissed the organ harvester

☆ Sexualizes himself during depressive episodes

☆ insomnia (Heightened in Manic episodes)

__`☆ About them:`__

❧ Status 》Dead/entity

❧ Species 》Proxy(?), demon humanoid

❧ Relationship 》Single

❧ Skills 》 murder, whipping, dancing, a bit of art

❧ Likes 》watching EJ bleed sometimes, dancing to music, listening to people he is fond of ramble, Peperoni, Human flesh

❧ Dislikes 》Bullies, crowss, smell of smoke or coffee, some textures (polyester, cheese), getting forced to talk (it hurts them, due to their vocal chords being permanently damaged from being tortured.), BEN, Jeff and Natalie, Laughing Jack(finds him creepy)

❧ Touch 》 hates it, but let's some people touch his appendages

❧ Fears 》losing a person they are fond of, seeing his father again

❧ Triggers 》Talking about xiers past, calling xem names, saying the sentence, "Dont fight back, let it happen, it will all be okay soon."

❧ Weakness 》Will cry if remembering his past, cries acid, anxiety, cuts his appendages sometimes when triggered, can barely talk

❧ Working for 》Slenderman but disobeys sometimes

❧ Work 》Proxy

❧ Addictions》cutting

❧ Earning Trust 》possible but takes at least 5 weeks

❧ Items 》Candy canes, whips, book and a pen

❧ Aid 》 ticci toby at times.

❧ Parental Figures 》None.

❧ Theme songs 》 So cold by Breaking Benjamin, Emergency contact by pierce the veil, Going under by evanescene, Zombie by the cranberries and if you can't hang by sleeping with sirens

❧ Disorders 》 Existential OCD, social anxiety, emotional disorder in childhood, generalized anxiety disorder, Schizophrenia, C-PTSD, body dysmorphia, major depressive disorder

__`☆ Favourites:`__

❧ Favourite Interest 》 bugs, how human nerves work, dancing to music Life in general

❧ Favourite Songs 》I will not bow by breaking Benjamin, bad things by get scared,dead memories by slipknot

❧ Favourite Artists 》 Breaking Benjamin, sleeping with sirens, decaying nature, Black Sabbath,Slipknot

❧Favourite Animal 》xe eats animals when he can't get humans, but insects, especially Beetles

❧ Favourite Colours 》 Maroon red

☆༄࿐ Personality`__

It is observant, and tries to be polite as much as they can, when they are triggered however they often lash out in a way of hurting their fond ones and will cry about it later on and apologize in a way of giving them gifts (which can be handmade or an eye that they ripped out of their appendages). Generally shy, and often stays with a person they are fond of to socialise. When they are having hallucinations they will hide themselves under its appendages and not come out until someone else comes in and "protects" them from what they are seeing. They are a sensitive person and hide in the shadows. However, don't underestimate them. He is capable of killing people in brutal ways, like ripping out their spine and then eating their lungs

•☆༄࿐ Backstory`__

It was 5 a.m., and my father just went out of my room after screaming at me and telling me I will not get food tommorrow. Tears threaten to spill from my eyes and blood dripped down my nose, 'Hold it in. You know Father doesn't like it when you cry.' I think to myself and get up and make my way towards the door.'It is my fault, I shouldn't have screamed about the man standing in the doorway. At least he is gone now.' I silently whisper as tears keep falling down, and i wipe them away. As I make my way over to the bathroom, I see that terrible creepy man again..His eyes, wait no he doesnt have eyes, nor a face in general, it reminds me of the dog like creature, but that one has somewhat facial features. I dont like them. I can feel a headache forming. He is waving. I shut my eyes and ran to the bathroom, hoping for it to be over and quickly clean up my blood, and and sigh out again. It hurts. I decide to just go back to sleep. Crying is for the weak, that is what the father said.

Of course, I am awoken by the sound of yelling. My father hit my mother again, which is normal for my family.. I wonder why she doesn't fight back, even if it is the opposite of what she always tells me to do I still wonder why, she is strong, I've noticed after she slapped me for asking if I am actually real. _"Dont fight back, and let it happen, it will all be okay soon."_ common sentence I have heard a lot of times now. I wish father would be nice again, then I wouldn't have to hear it. I can't say it, though, otherwise father will hate me just like I hate myself. I put on a smile to not seem too terrible as Father sends me to school even tho I don't want to go.

In school, it is terrible once again, the kids mock me for my stutter, I can't help it, and it is not my fault. They exclude me from games in the break, they don't talk to me, and they throw sand or pebbels at me on the playground. Oliver does it the most, I don't get why he doesn't like me. I never talk to him. He tells me it is because I am a devil's child. But I pray every night to God? If I am a devil's child, why don't I have horns? Why doesn't my body look weird? Am I actually real? Is everything real? What if this is not real and I am dreaming? Questions run through my head, but I stay silent, I pinch myself and put on a smile. Okay, I'm not dreaming."It will all be okay soon." I repeat in my head until I am home.

At night, I pray once again, I get tired of praying, but I don't dare tell. If I do, My Father and the priest will be angry at me."Dear God. Please protect my mother and me from my father. Amen." I silently whisper as I hold my 6 year old hands together and hold my eyes shut.

My mother comes into my room, she tells me good night, and that we will go to a special place tomorrow. "Did God hear my prayer? How can he hear my prayer? Is he real?" I ponder after she has left my room, and I write and write into my diary until I fall asleep.

I am awoken once again by my mother. This time, she isn't screaming. However, her eyes are puffy. Has she been crying? She tells me to pack my things to go to the special place, someone will help me there. They will 'fix' me. But what is there to be fixed?. Will they fix my brain? Will they fix my stutter? What will they fix and how? Could I have figured it out? I take my diary with me and my clothes and ofcourse I shouldn't forget Smiler, my plush dog.

We ride in a train, and she hugs me a lot of the time. Father tells her to quit it. She does stop hugging me,yet she squeezes my hand and excuses herself as she begins crying again. Why is she crying? Is it my fault? I squeeze her hand back. I stay silent.

Doctors await me at the special place, smiling. I ponder again. Why am I here?

I tremble and tears slip down my cheeks as I open up my diary for the first time in a long time and begin to write."It is terrible. Everything hurts. They beat me a lot of the times, they use me, and they forget to give me food. I don't understand how I should be fixed, I want this all to stop. They made me dance for them today like they did all week. They made me touch them, I do not want to be here anymore. They take needles and inject them into me, i believe i have abornmally grown.." And I write and write until I see matches laying on the ground..

The building has been burned down. However, there has been a diary found. It is covered in dirt and most pages are unreadable, but scientists have been able to decipher some pages. "I can hear them. They are right behind me.And I can see them. They are laughing at me, mocking me. I'm still locked inside, I want to get out.. they forced me onto a machine yesterday, It burned and burned. Today, they took me into a room away from the others and whipped my back until it bled. It all hurts so much. I dont understand why, i had to stay silent or otherwise they wouldve have put me on the pullmachine again, i dont know if my body can take anymore..They injected something in me today again, it hurts. However, it will all be okay soon. I will be fixed. That is what they said. I need to pray again."

[taekooktimeline]

Hey everyone 👋🏽

Wasn’t the “Dream” premier something? I’m still feeling quite emotional 😭

I’m working on drafting quite an extensive piece on it. I’m honestly nervous to share it because this was such a significant moment, and I want to make sure I’ve conveyed everything as best as I can. I’m hoping to get it up in the next few days, but that depends on my OCD and my schedule so please bear with me 🙏🏽

In the meantime, I wrote the below on my IG page, but I’ll leave it here too. Some of the below wordage is in my draft, and it’ll go into the event post itself, but I won’t apologize for repeating anything because it needs to be said🩷

There is sooo much to unpack, from the clothes they thoughtfully chose to wear to their first premier together (not BTS / work related), to their body language…I’m just so incredibly proud of these two.

Taehyung wore a jacket by Juntae Kim, a gender fluid clothing brand. His shirt, a rare find on Etsy, is an Oscar Wilde and Morrisey print. Oscar paved the way for gay rights, and was imprisoned for two years for his involvement with Alfred Douglas. Morrisey coined the term “human sexual” to describe himself.

Jk’s jacket is also queer coded. The sleeve is an excerpt from “Anonymous Diary of a New York Youth, Vol. 3” which was written by Taylor Mead, a columnist for the first gay newspaper in NYC. The front pocket of the jacket contains significant biblical scripture. “For all sinned, and come short of the glory of God ~All we like sheep have gone astray ~Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”

NOTHING IS COINCIDENCE WITH TAEKOOK! They’re smart. They know EXACTLY what they’re doing. Both outfits are queer coded and have deep meaning. And for their first unofficial event together to wear such meaningful clothes is loud in itself.

Not only were their outfits meaningful, their body language and expressions were too.

They’re familiar with red carpets in their line of work, but Jk was extra, adorably shy. Because this was a STATEMENT!

They didn’t walk with other members (who didn’t attend), they didn’t walk with Wooga. They walked TOGETHER.

This was about THEM.

And Tae made sure to be Jk’s safe space, as he always has been and always will be. He took his wrist when Jk hesitated before the photo wall. The way Jk looked at Tae when he turned back to take his wrist? They both knew when they walked onto the carpet exactly what that meant. How impactful it would be, the next step to normalizing their relationship. Tae guided Jk, and Jk’s expression lighting up when Tae turned speaks, trusting him, VOLUMES. They prioritize each other and they always will.

And once again, Jk showed how close he is with Wooga when he called SJ “Seo-Joonie Hyung”

They will ALWAYS choose each other. They will ALWAYS be close. No one on SM will ever change that.

They are so brave and strong. I’m in complete awe.

Taekook will change the world. I am so sure of it 🙏🏽

TAEKOOK FOREVER💜💚

Stay tuned for the post💜I hope I do it justice and I will do my very best🙏🏽

[camojacketfag]

when do you stop feeling like you're waiting for your life to start? im 22 and ive accomplished nothing, it feels like im at a standstill.

Well, for starters, I had a breakdown in a meijer parking lot at 8:15pm yesterday, sobbing to boygenius as I was telling myself that I’ve paused my life for the past four years to try and heal from crippling childhood trauma and therefore I haven’t really had the chance to truly have fucking fun and live life man.

My 20s have been a lot of healing and slowing down as life continues to move past me so fucking quickly. I told myself I was gonna have fun this year and instead I got my heart broken, I relapsed in my OCD, I cut ties with a shit therapist who invalidated me time and time again and I played far too many video games. Through out it all I also lost so many friendships who don’t fully understand how debilitating OCD truly is and my current social life consists mostly of imaginary conversations I have inside my head. But hey, we’re still fucking kicking! What really defines an accomplishment man? Whose timeline are you comparing yourself too? Most of the lives constantly being lived so publicly are led by neurotypical people with such big opportunities very different from lives like ours man. Therefore you’re doing yourself a disservice to try and compare your life to theirs. Acceptance is the hardest pill to swallow. I truly despise patience. Yet I also have to come to terms with the fact that I move at a much slower and methodical pace than everyone else around me. I know in the long run I’ll be grateful I decided to heal now as opposed to later but I still feel so fucking robbed man. Of time. And opportunities. And life. Time that I may never get back. Time in which others my age spent developing their careers or social relationships, I was stuck in my little room listening to sad lesbian music and having no one around but my dog and the obsessive thoughts that felt intensely unavoidable. I’d say life, or at least the life you’re talking about, will never truly start man. That life is just a piece of fiction. I guess what I’m trying to say is that life has already started, it’s just waiting for you to notice. Your perception is just warped, much like mine, but I know that although I can list all of these awful things that have happened over these past four years, I know that nudged somewhere in between it all, I’ve still lived. I saw some sick ass concerts, I gave myself my first stick and poke, I got drunk and shared to much, I allowed myself to question love and it’s mechanisms and meaning, I started a photo blog and have steadily worked towards creating what I see everyday in to something others can relate or come back to, I got punched in the face, I busted my lip trying to open a bottle of vodka, I drank to much caffeine and felt like I’d ascended to a higher state of consciousness. After I relapsed, I felt broken man. So much new trauma I’d have to go back to and stitch up all caused by trusting a professional who only made me believe that my own personal experience of the things I’d gone through was actually wrong. Yet somehow, it ended with me finally believing myself once more. And vowing to never let anyone make me feel like she did ever again. 11 years of trauma and hard work doesn’t deserve to be so easily destroyed just because you have a degree and I don’t. Still, I believed myself again. I believe myself now. And I know going forward that if we continuously compare ourselves to lives being lived that will never cross paths with ours then all we’re gonna do is spend eternity wondering when it will ever finally fucking begin. I promise you, it already has, and although I don’t know you, and you might believe that it’s been more bad than good, or that it’s not as valuable when compared to others achievements at your age, it’s still yours, and there’s still time, and it’s always been there, it’s just waiting for you to notice.

[ikamigami]

The new episode really hit it home for me that Moon is doing a lot better as a brother for Sun(adored the July 16th video those were great), but that he might not clock just how in the gutter Sun's mental state actually is The first was him making the falling joke, notice how Sun immediately rushed in thinking Moon was in physical danger and was completely unamused by the "joke" and Moon doesn't realize why he'd be so unamused The second was Sun asking to automate cleaning because depression, and Moon joking that he's Dark Sun, Moon notices that there's something off about Sun not wanting to clean, that's anathema to his previous understanding Sun, I do hope they talk about it as Moon said This isn't to say I blame Moon, he's doing so much better than he used to be and that is incredible, but I also get why Sun is like this based on the stuff others here were saying, because even if Moon's trying hard to be better, Sun's having a hard time with it, because he's been through this once already, Nexus had done the same thing, all those promises and saying he'll be better, imploring Sun to trust him after all the abuse, and actually doing it! It was to the point that I'd argue Sun was just as close with Nexus under less time as Sun was with Old Moon, without the abuse. But then Nexus, not even after Solar's death but from Sun's perspective not long after his breakdown, seemingly flipped a switch and ripped it all away and spiraled so hard and so fast into full villainy that it caught everyone off-guard, it's like the old saying goes, "once bitten, twice shy", plus with how many times everybody's been threatened, hurt, killed, or almost killed, it makes a lot of sense that Sun's first instinct when hearing someone yell or scream is to think they're being attacked and rush to help, and not find it funny when they were just doing it for a laugh, and the guy is very depressed considering OCD cleaning is an instinctual part of his code and he wants nothing to do with it now, again not blaming any of the characters or anything, it's just character analysis, Moon is doing better and Sun is slowly learning to trust again, which is good to see Also seeing a Good Creator and retroactively reflecting on how much better everyone's lives could've been hurts, I don't even think Good Creator's Moon had a kill code, or would have one, though Eclipse and Lunar do exist in that world but who knows, either way no wonder our Sun and Moon might be jealous and want to cry about it

You're absolutely right, dear anon.

I only add some things..

Sun have not only depression - depressive episode but he also has psychosis - we can tell that from BM's hallucination and Sun's agitated state and mood swings..

After all he has depressive psychosis and currently he has psychotic episode - or in this disorder he has depressive and psychotic episode at the same time..

Sun is more irritated like we could see when he said "I'll break something one of this days" - which reminded me of goodolddumbbanana's theory that maybe Nexus will force Sun to kill Dazzle but because Dazzle can't die he'll just break her body (hmmm maybe actually goodolddumbbanana writes sams/j) - he's also more annoyed with things..

Yes, Sun not wanting to clean as much as he used to is a clear sign that he's depressed and I hope that Moon will take it seriously despite jokes and he'll talk with Sun or at least try or he'll talk with someone and ask for an advice..

Sun is clearly more depressed than before - when he had his first major psychotic episode - and what's more worrying is that he isn't aware of his mental state.. I mean he doesn't know he's depressed or it clearly doesn't seem so.. and even more so he isn't aware of having a mental disorder and that this is what causes him hallucinations..

I think that VAs did good job with showing us Sun moving on from July 16th because it'll better show viewers and also Sun and other characters later that even when he's moving past his trauma.. this trauma changed him so much and possibly forever and he's now suffering from mental disorder and a pretty serious one at that (due to dealing with suicidal thoughts and ideations and suicide attempts more often which also often end up with completed suicide - it's because patient during their depressive episodes experience psychotic episode at the same time and this agitated state and delusions is what often leads to suicide complation though I'm not saying that VAs will make Sun kill himself)

When I was obsessing over Sun being suicidal during my psychotic episode.. it was frustrating to say the least to see that people think that even having suicidal thoughts or ideations is not a big deal.. as if only being actively suicidal was somewhat more concerning.. and even if active suicidality is very dangerous and person being actively suicidal needs to be supervised.. it doesn't mean that others signs of being even passively suicidal when you suffer from depressive psychosis (or any other disorder or in general actually) means that you're not in danger..

I hate when people just downplay things like that.. and think that one group of people has worse than others..

I think that it was really so frustrating to me because people just don't know how it's like to live with depressive psychosis and having guilt delusions or delusions centered around unworthiness.. it's terribly awful mix.. and I wouldn't even wish that upon even the most evil people that exist..

Hope you don't mind my rant, dear anon 😅

Though I think that Sun will spiral one day and hopefully he won't kill anyone.. cause guilt will eat him alive this time..

I also don't want to kill himself.. but maybe he'll harn himself.. cause he'll break something one of this days.. and he snapped just like he said and killed Bloodmoon.. so who knows.. but these are my thoughts about that..

Also yeah Sun doesn't trust Moon fully yet.. but he loves him and cares about hence why he gave him another chance.. and yeah he's more alerted when someone screams in pain or in fear due to trauma and everything that happened.. all these deaths..

[madfaithconnections]

Finding Light in the Darkness: A Channeled Message Meant To Find You

Oracle Cards:

The Horse King - Assistance, Control

The Resting Tree - Patience, Stillness

The Spirit Whisperer - Divine Guidance, Higher Knowing (Reversed)

Bottom of the Deck: The Hungry Ghosts - Obsessions, Scarcity Consciousness, Attachment

You’re going through a difficult time with your mental health, to the point where it feels like you’re losing touch with who you are. You might be feeling disconnected from God, even questioning why He doesn’t seem to be hearing your prayers. You’ve been holding out for relief, but the silence only seems to grow. It’s like each day you feel a little less yourself, a little more weighed down by these struggles, and it’s taking everything you have just to keep up appearances.

This spread is designed to help you reconnect and find some guidance forward. Let’s dive in.

Path to Healing and Connection Spread

Current State of Mind (Card 1) – 7 of Cups

You’re dealing with deep confusion right now. The 7 of Cups captures that sense of being overwhelmed by so many swirling, unanswerable questions. Why am I feeling like this? Why won’t it go away? Why does this have to be so hard? But here’s a thought: maybe focusing on the why is part of what’s making this feel so unmanageable. What if you could shift to how instead? Instead of obsessing over why things are this way, try asking yourself, “How can I start living alongside this? How can I learn to cope, to take care of myself a little better in this moment?” When I’m struggling with my OCD, my husband often reminds me to focus on the how, not the why, and it has helped me. Try making a list of your “how's”—ways to support yourself, actions that bring some calm, ways to cope. These can become small steps to regain a sense of agency and maybe even a little peace.

Divine Guidance Message (Card 2) – Ten of Pentacles

The Ten of Pentacles speaks of stability and abundance, but here it feels like a reminder from God that you are supported—even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. The divine message for you is one of reassurance: you will find stability again. This isn’t a promise of a perfect, pain-free future, but it’s a promise of steadiness and balance eventually returning. Gratitude can also be powerful in times like this. Try writing down or speaking aloud the things you’re grateful for, even if they seem small. Gratitude has a way of shifting our energy and bringing in a sense of calm. Trust that even though things are difficult right now, you have a foundation of support—both in the things you’re grateful for and in the strength God is helping you build for the road ahead.

Release Control (Card 3) – 8 of Cups Reversed

The 8 of Cups reversed suggests you might be hanging onto something that’s intensifying this pain. Maybe it’s a vision of who you were before all of this started, or the belief that healing should be instant or easy. Sometimes, I feel that exact heaviness, wishing I could step away from my struggles completely. But the message here is about releasing some of that control—not necessarily letting go of the struggle, but surrendering the need to “fix” everything at once. Let God hold some of this weight with you. Remember that it’s okay to want to live a life without these challenges; that desire is proof that you want to live, not give up. Hold onto that—this desire to live differently, to feel differently. Give yourself a reminder every morning that you’re still here, and that’s powerful. This is your time to practice handing some of the burden over to God, even if you can’t yet see what He’s doing with it.

Anchor in Stillness (Card 4) – 5 of Swords

There’s an inner struggle here, and it feels like a sense of loss—loss of a “normal” life, loss of who you were before all of this began. I know this feeling so well; it’s like being caught in a loop where you’re constantly reminded of what you’ve lost. To help ground yourself, try this visualization: picture yourself peeling away from these emotions, like pulling apart two halves of a mozzarella stick. Imagine yourself separating from the pain, one piece at a time, until you’re left with a little more space between you and these thoughts. Stillness doesn’t mean ignoring the pain—it means sitting with it and gently detaching, bit by bit. Letting yourself observe these feelings without letting them define you entirely. This visualization can help you feel less trapped in the heaviness, even for a moment.

A Step Toward Healing (Card 5) – Page of Wands

The Page of Wands is a reminder that healing doesn’t have to be big or instant—it can start with the smallest spark. This card suggests finding something that brings even a small flicker of interest or excitement. You don’t have to have it all figured out, or know what your path will look like. Right now, just focus on finding one thing that lights up a small corner of your world. Maybe it’s an activity you used to enjoy, a walk outside, or even a new hobby you’d like to try. The point isn’t to have a full plan but to let yourself feel that curiosity again, even in small, manageable ways. This spark, however small, is a reminder that you are still here, still capable of feeling and experiencing new things. Keep following these little sparks, one step at a time. Slowly but surely, you’ll start to feel more connected to yourself again.

Remember, you’re going through something incredibly difficult, but each small step, each act of self-compassion, is helping you along. Healing doesn’t come all at once, but you are still moving forward. You’re still here, and you’re still capable of reaching the other side of this.

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