#Nobody wants it to be over. But life and peace can no longer exist at the same time

[cryptidcalling]

“It’ll be over soon” always fucking destroys me no matter what the context is. Whatever they’re going through can’t be fixed or helped, they just have to wait until it stops.

[bunji-enthusiast]

HAIII IDK IF REQUESTS ARE OPEN BUT IF THEY ARENT, IGNORE THIS

Howeverrr

Could I request a Dogday x reader where reader is coming down from a bad day and just needs some company?

IF SO THANK YOU IF NO ITS OKAY

Point A To Z

Note || absolutely, such a cute request ❤️

WC || 651

Sypnosis || Even after a bad day, DogDay will always be there for you.

Dilapidated banging of metal and rust resounding all throughout the Factory, if you weren’t among the building at it’s liveliest, how was one even living? You knew better, you knew otherwise. You were close to hanging up your withered wings, to be brought into this world and be nearly wrung out without a care in the world will be your thirteenth reason. Nobody would be capable of convincing you otherwise.

You had debts to pay however, a debt to living the existence you eventually come to know and love. From then and there, you were still learning to love living–ain’t everyone?--sorely enough, though there are moments where it kills you. You’ve had moments where you don’t regret the decisions you made, because you lived it.

Not today however.

Not now.

Life felt cute, deciding to bestow you with a girgaum of paperwork at the foot of your door. 

Audibly groaning, you sat down near the playing area for where the children are currently playing as of now. You just wanted to take a nap, you couldn’t unfortunately, that would be ethically bad manners and not Employee Regulations. So instead, you had opted for finding peace in watching the children be joyful amongst themselves.

Adjacent to your position, a fellow employee had taken notice of your presence, seeing how down to the dumps you looked. 

“Is [First Name] alright?” He spoke out to a playcare attendant, speaking out to DogDay in particular. The employee knew that DogDay had a knack for helping people and toys alike when they are feeling particularly bad about themselves. 

DogDay perked up at the employee’s question, “Oh, the angel? Where are they?” He inquired with a steady tone, wanting to see where you were. It was busy in the playing area, full of children and employees watching over the Playcare Attendants and children alike, so he could not spot you that easily. 

The employee nodded, then pointed steadily in your direction. “Over there by the entrance on the fence, I’m pretty sure.” 

In return, DogDay muttered an audible breath of thanks and stood up, his frame towering overtly every child in the room. From what he could read on your distressed face, especially down to your nerve-wracked body, you were not in high spirits whatsoever. 

DogDay was unshaken, making his way past the bodies of people all the way over to you. He subconsciously made steps to where he could make it to you without tripping and falling flat on his face; DogDay was used to the area. 

Once the giant dog had finally made his way across, you felt his presence looming over you, causing you to turn and look up to get a proper look at–

“DogDay?”

He nodded, kneeling down as he didn’t want to disturb you with any sudden movements. “I notice… you aren’t feeling well, as okay?” DogDay gestures, trying to not imply any misinformation of the sort. Suddenly, a laugh escaped you, that was the first time in a while today you could genuinely feel a longer period of happiness without it being interrupted by anything. 

When you have calmed yourself, you reply with, “Just a bad day, nothing new to me.” You sigh heavily, leaning forward as you propped your chin upon the palm of your hand. 

Upon hearing this, DogDay’s body became denser than usual with concern. He wrapped his long arms around you, cuddling up against you so you would began to relax

“Can you let go now?"

“Do you feel better, Angel?” He replied, not letting up on his hugging. Though, DogDay had relaxed his grip just enough so you wouldn’t feel suffocated. 

“No!” You retorted, yet how your body was had betrayed your angry little spat. Visibly relaxing and just merely reveling in his company. DogDay squeezed you, nuzzling the back of your head as he made himself comfortable.

“Then it hasn’t kicked in yet!”

[n1ghtwr1ter]

At the end of my latest TLT reread and it’s been physically painful attempting to read the last 40+ pages of Nona. Like, the short shrift that Gideon/Kiriona gets given by the people in the story…the theoretical good guys who honestly only see her as a thing, as a means to an end with an inconvenient dead soul attached to it… It makes me want to rip my own heart out of my chest.

Nobody has cared about Gideon her whole life. Most people, in fact, if they remembered about her at all, went out of their way to tell her how much they wished she didn’t exist. In the final chapters of Gideon, she finally gets the thing she’s been desperate for her whole life: somebody telling her that they need her, they care that she exists, and they badly want her to go on doing it. This allows her to make peace with the prospect that at the ripe old age of 18, she needs to die so that that person can go on living and living and living, using the castrated remnants of her soul as fuel to do so. Not a great way to go, but at least Gideon would get to be useful to somebody, would get to be remembered for something.

And then she wakes up in the wrong body, and finds out that her sacrifice - her attempt to be useful in the most selfless way possible, in that her self will no longer exist - has been rejected. And not only that, but the person she tried to give herself to - the one who was supposed to care about her - went to extreme lengths to make completely sure that she no longer remembered about Gideon.

She literally cut Gideon out of her brain.

And now, drifting along in the worst sort of half life where she’s inhabiting her body but it’s no longer really hers, in very obvious fashion - there’s holes in it, her heart is missing, and it’s got her shitty father’s handprints all over it (not even touching how much of a violation that is), indelibly - she finally meets back up with the small group of people who could theoretically be relied upon to be glad to see her again.

But then the one who was supposed to care about her most tries to kiss her (massively OOC for Harrow), and turns out to not even be there - it’s some weird baby inhabiting her body, and doing a really shit job of it too. The rest of them won’t stop talking about how they need her to break into the Tomb - as if she was just another key, same as the ones they worked together to acquire in Canaan House, just bigger and more inconvenient - and/or how they both fucked and killed her mom, who also (surprise, surprise) wished that Gideon had never existed, but saw her as a thing that needed to be done for the good of the mission.

Ultimately, they all make it abundantly clear - Palamedes, Camilla, Pyrrha, and especially Nona, all these people who are supposed to be kind and good and right - that they would prefer she wasn’t there. That it just be her body, with no Gideon attached - at least not Gideon the way she is now, broken and rejected and miserable. They would all far have preferred that she not have her own inconvenient thoughts and feelings and desires and impulses - that she just be inanimate and let the important people, the grown ups, get things done.

They wish she didn’t exist. Same as everybody else in her life, save one, and now she’s left wondering whether Harrow really meant it at all. Because if she did, she wouldn’t have left Gideon to Kiriona’s fate.

And honestly? Really, truly? I know everybody in the fandom loves Pal and Cam and Nona and Pyrrha, but in the end I couldn’t give less of a shit about them. They are fucking side characters, and as intriguing as Nona has been from a worldbuilding standpoint, I ultimately resent having been forced to read 400+ pages of filler bullshit about fucking side characters. I am a butch, and I’m here for my sarcastic, loving, angry, vulnerable, forgiving, and yes, inconvenient sword butch. I’m here for Gideon. But Gideon has been fridged for the last two books of the series in which she is supposed to be a, if not the, main character.

And it feels like almost nobody else in the fandom feels the same way, which, fine. I’m used to that. I’m also used to being told I’m projecting; and I’m used to being told that I’m inconvenient too, in my thoughts and my opinions and the mere fact of my existence. I spent the first eighteen years of my life being told I was inconvenient. Yet another point of overidentification with Gideon.

But in case anybody still thinks that Nona proves that Gideon was an asshole all along, think about all of the above. Think about how it would make you feel to come back from not just death but from the erasure of your existence, something you chose in order to save the life of someone you loved, and be told that you’re inconvenient. Think about how you’d feel if you’d been told all your life that it would be better for everyone if you didn’t exist. And then tell me that Kiriona isn’t in the right and that I should give a rat’s ass what happens to literally anybody else.

It’s Kiriona Hours up in this House, butches. We’ve spent long enough caring about people who would prefer we weren’t around. For once in our entire lives we were told we were important; we were told we mattered; we were told we were the main character. We were going to, if not get the girl and save the world, at least get to do something real, something important, something like being the hero.

But that’s over now; we’re back to being wrong and bad and inconvenient thanks to the simple fact of our existence. So it’s time to embrace it. Let’s be a little shit. Let’s be kind of a dick. Let’s have our own agenda, let’s play our cards close to our heartless chest, let’s allow our circle of empathy to contract to ourselves and maybe one more person. That’s where I’m at right now. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

[dangopango00]

ABYSS RAZOR CRUSH HCS BC IF I DONT GET SOME CONTENT I WILL DIE

Abyss Razor x gn reader

Prompt: yall r madly in love he has a crush on youuu (boyfail situationship hcs more like tbh)

A/N: sorry if this is rambly i cant live like this i keep rereading the same 4 or 5 posts over and over again ive been waiting for like a year and im getting teased with the tip PLEASEEE WRITE HIM 😭😭🤞 i cant ever escape the ‘nobodys fave but mine’ curse help

Ily losermen

Ily high ponytail men

Ily abyss razor

more utc

- Im gonna jump he is so kewt. Idek what to say im just ill

- You’d probably often compliment his eyes and you have this image that hes so calm and collected— which he is! But! Not with you! So every conversation with you is him just fighting for his life trying to look cool and not implode at the same time

- ^^^ THIS is one thing. But what really gets him falling for you is when you get a bit closer and have a talk with him, telling him in no uncertain terms that he’ll always have someone to return to if others are cruel because you won’t be leaving him

- Gives you things VERY often, usually little things because hed die if he had to directly give you a gift and then have to explain why, so he shows his affection in little ways like letting you have his best pencils and pens if you need it (lets you keep it too)

- oh he absolutely loses it if he sees you continue to use his pen hes so touched that you’re taking good care of what he gives you it shows that it means a lot to you and that he means a lot to you

- The only actual gift he gives you during this stage are things he has an excuse for like origami (idk why but i feel like he makes cool ass origami) he can just say he made too many so hes giving them away yet you and maybe Abel are the only ones who received some…

- He wants so badly to be useful to you he gets so flustered and happy just hearing you say thanks when he answers your question about the assignment or when he lends you his materials

- Immediately stiffens when you make any sort of contact. Dont stop though, he can count the times hes been hugged on one hand

- Speaking of his touch starvation, he’d let you play with his hair and looks forward to it tbh he’d just rather not initiate anything it’s too much for his heart

- If you have him take down his hair and play with it (like braid it or try different hairstyles) he’d feel so content; ofc he’s nervous but at the same time he just feels so at peace as if it’s only you two in the world and all the people who have ever wronged him never existed in the first place

- He’s a little bit delulu, i fear

- He gets so nervous texting and calling you bc what if you tell him ily. No that could never happen. Wait but what if it did— do you see his dilemma?

- He’s a chronic overthinker and in a way its a bit sweet because he used to worry about you randomly saying you didn’t want to be friends with him but now he wouldn’t even consider that possibility; it just no longer enters his mind

- He’d also find himself drifting off, losing himself in thought and end up daydreaming about if you two were in a relationship

- It’s very innocent, it’s just you two being cute and going places together while holding hands and such until it drifts even further to imagining you two kissing

- His face is on fire and he has to stop thinking NOW but hes in too deep hes imagining kissing ice cream off the side of your mouth and other cliches like that it’s so over

- Abel wondering wth is wrong with his right hand; all he said was that he was going to make mother happy by doing his homework today meanwhile Abyss can no longer be normal

- The kissing is just his guilty pleasure but Abyss constantly imagines holding hands with you like if you walk too close to him his hands will get clammy and his fingertips will get cold because he wants to hold your hand but is scared to initiate it

- God forbid you actually hold his hand even for a second while he’s having his entire internal monologue. He will die. You killed him. How could you?

- He won’t let go though like. Ever . Handholding is his favorite thing 5ever and as soon as he gets a taste he’s hooked

- He likes handholding so much that if you held his hand enough times then one time he’d accidentally grab your hand and initiate for once (immediately gets flustered after but it counts)

- Really really REALLY likes when u trace over his magic lines. Ruins his life everytime and he just melts in your touch; subconsciously leans in and his face softens and EVERYTHING

- Ok i wasn’t gonna say it bc itd probably involve sm sneaking but: Sleepovers. IM JUST SAYING 🤞🤞🤞 I feel like this is where most of the softer moments happen tbh like your roommate being out and you two have a sleepover

- I think this is where the playing with his hair and tracing the lines on his face would happen if not this then when you’re bored in class

- Not a fan of PDA even if ur not dating so he does play with your hair but usually during the sleepovers if you’ll allow him (not quite trying new hairstyles like you do but letting it fall through his fingers, running his hands through it or just rubbing the ends with his fingers to feel how soft it is)

- If you are bald he would slightly hold the back of your head and rub your temples with his thumb to help you relax

- Idk ik i just went on about how hes a loser but I feel like when it comes to affection relating to hair or like anything not affectionate in a cliche sense he doesn’t really pay attention and does it without thinking; only realizes its too affectionate if you point it out (please do not, he feels very comfortable right now. He will stop and never do it again if you point it out)

- You have a lot of deep talks and give him encouraging words during sleepovers tbh it just gives you both time to just… enjoy each other uninterrupted

- Sometimes instinctually distances himself from you because you make his heart do somersaults and his head feels like it’ll explode around you though he doesn’t last long, he needs you with him everyday atp 😭

- Although the above is true, sometimes he gets clingy ish (just by your side all the time) and protective over you even knowing you aren’t his

A/N: a ridonkulous amount of these r based on things ive done erm. Ok. Ig next thing i should write is him with an equally loser gf i def fit the bill LOL

[chimggukchim]

Toxicity

As someone who has been in this fandom for over seven years now, and have watched the timeline as both a non-shipper and someone who saw something different with jikook's bond eventually, I can safely say that most of the toxicity we see now on the timeline was not there before.

And I can also safely say that it is because back then...NOBODY CARED to hype up WRONG TAKES and blatant DELUSION.

And I know that some (possibly even most) of you may disagree, and that's fine, but I'm not going to change my stance.

Toxicity/Insults/Lies...these have always been present, but was kept in the background because no one focused on that nonsense. Jikookers just focused on Jungkook and Jimin, and their bond.

I saw little to no Taekook nonsense to the point that I didn't even know that was a viable 'ship'.

But now...EVERYONE feels the need to be a white knight when they spot the DUMBEST post from the most INSIGNIFICANT account, thus giving it life, and allowing it to spread to the masses, and making the entire thing seem like bigger than it really is. And then the toxicity builds.

People need to understand something:

Toxic People, including toxic Taekookers, Solo Fans, Akgaes, and Antis will NEVER CHANGE their outlook no matter how much you argue with them. NEVER. EVER. They're brainless. They thrive on being toxic, riling people up, and getting that engagement. And what you do when you engage, is give them what they want - Validity.

So please for the love of all that is holy in Jikookland...in the great words of Princess Elsa...LET IT GO.

Don't focus on the 'hate' that shippers are throwing Jikook's/Jungkook's/Jimin's way because that is no longer the reality of their existence.

@taekooklover435 posts that Jungkook is being forced to interact with Jimin while being secretly married with 2.5 kids to Taehyung? Sure, @taekooklover435! You go ahead and believe that. Whatever floats your boat.

What we should not be doing is fighting @taekooklover435 down, arguing that this isn't true, that Jungkook never hated Jimin. That's a lie people spread. Go back and look at real content. Believe the words of the boys. Yada yada yada - It won't make a difference. @taekooklover435 will continue to believe that nonsense, and you just gave them more exposure with that nonsense.

Leave them in their own sorrowful, pitiful well.

Nothing...NOTHING they post will change REALITY.

And likewise, non-shipper ARMYs not posting about jikook content like we would like them to, will not change REALITY.

So why fight all that? Why fight against the one thing that no one can win against?...STUPIDITY!

The only thing we can control is the environment in which we interact with each other. WE can choose to cleanse our timeline of nonsense takes that we KNOW is nonsense yet want to fight and bring it back onto the timeline. WE can live in a very happy, stress-free, peaceful jikookland if WE truly wanted to.

I wish my fellow jikookers can hopefully see some sense and just stop engaging with stupidity.

I know it's hard, and we itch to respond most times, but just think of how amazing our timelines would be if we chose to just engage with each other instead? Hype EACH OTHER'S post up instead?

[gent-illmatic]

A matter of time⏱

(A long af ramble)

I don’t care how long you’ve known some people, what the bond was, if they’re relatives, part of a community, childhood friends, best work buddies etc.

Everybody isn’t meant to stay in your life!

During my spiritual journey I realized you can’t “helicopter” over the people you care about. It’s a dysfunctional love language many of us have. I wanted to support and guide my loved ones to the best of my ability. I’m known as the therapist/fixer of any friend group I’m apart of.

I’m the Olivia Pope of this shit. However, I would end up being the emotional trash bag ,while they reject every plausible solution presented. Im the person strategizing how to get them on track and distracting from my own goals to save theirs (ppl pleasing). Silently seething because not only do they seem to care very little about themselves … but also about my time and effort in supporting them! They’re turning up while I’m stressing for them.

I also realized a lot of these actions stemmed from events in my childhood, but I digress!

Then the “Ah ha” moment hit!

They don’t owe me shit.

Why? … because it’s not my job to do that! They’re not calling for advice. They’re calling to vent. Yes, being a good listening ear is part of being a good support as well. We don’t always have to swoop in with “what you should do is…”. I also learned my actions of support make me seem like a “know it all” with good intentions. It sends signals that I don’t believe they are capable of figuring out their own issues. As if they were mentally challenged. This dynamic breaths life into resentment.

However, for people like me , that becomes exhausting after while. Loved ones complaining about the same bullshit misfortunes over & over without looking for solutions, better discernment, or to establish positive patterns/habits. Constantly returning back into the arms of what has them forever frustrated. Wanting you to hold all of their emotional and dysfunctional baggage. You are being spiritually drained!

🫠

Especially, if you’ve done the work for your own life’s outcome! With or without therapy! You’ve put in the effort aside from your prayers. Now, you’re reaping the peaceful benefits of the investment in your life. You feel your spirit and life being led to better pastures ….It’s time to realize…

You’ve outgrown them.

it’s time to love them from afar!

The dynamic you once shared has expired/changed. The people you were in the beginning, No longer exists now. It’s no longer serving or fulfilling.

People will always prioritize themselves (as they should). You need to make sure you do the same. Nobody will care about you more than yourself as an adult. You can care for your loved ones, and wish them well. Give them guidance if specifically asked. However, we can’t live for them or force them to take our advice! It doesn’t matter how great the quality of our advice is…. We don’t even have to experience the consequences of the advice we give them! They have the choice of what to take and what to leave! We don’t even know if we have all the facts of the scenario anyway. They have their journey and you have yours…

But….

If their dysfunctional life starts to effect yours just being in their company…you begin reaping their consequences for their choices…you notice yourself regressing … you recognize you’ve lost sight or esteem of your own life mission…

Fall back.

You are the average of the 5 closest people to you. Choose wisely!

The mental ease you receive for allowing people to “do them” and letting go is priceless. Now you have time to dedicate towards your own conquests , continue your own development, and learn from your own choices.

I’m rambling now… but one last thing

Beware: When people notice you walking away to a better life, they may morph into your enemy. They may spill your secrets, smear you, they may not even care about your absence. If that’s the case It’s all good… some people can live in your heart but not in your life!

Keep the grass cut🌾🐍🌾

-KANAAN🌱

[fierrochase-falafel]

A moment later, it was dead silent within the darkness, and Xie Lian repeated with certainty, “You are the Crown Prince of Wuyong.”

Finally, White No-Face was no longer silent.

He lunged towards Xie Lian, his palm blasts sharp and powerful, and this time, it was Xie Lian’s turn to dodge. He leapt up, and asked as he dodged, “Your Highness, I’ve got a question for you. How come you never show your true face to anyone?”

White No-Face said darkly, “Your Highness, I’m warning you not to address me with that title.”

“You call me ‘Your Highness’, so why can’t I address you the same?” Xie Lian rebuked. “You won’t answer, so I’ll have to guess myself. There are only two reasons why you don’t want anyone seeing your true face. Either you are someone I know, or someone I don’t know, but once I see your real face I could easily figure out who you are. Or, your true appearance is exceedingly ugly, so ugly you can’t stand it yourself!”

Warning for major spoilers in this post! We're back with post 10 of Xie Lian being the funniest mf when he confronts White No-Face at the beginning of book 5, and if there's 1 thing I love, it's a good "fun mocking ramble while dodging an angry loser".

I think it's really interesting how book 4 ends after so much pain, so much...eventfulness of Bai Wuxiang. The impression you're left with of him is that he is powerful and dangerous even though Xie Lian rejects his philosophy and shows huge personal growth. We grow to really respect Xie Lian's character development without losing that fearful reverence for Bai Wuxiang. Book 5 though, from the get-go, is set on tearing down Bai Wuxiang's terrifying reputation built up over 4 books. At the end of book 3, Xie Lian is absolutely terrified at the sight of the cry-smiling mask, but the minute we get back to the present-time, Xie Lian gets over his terror pretty fast and just lies on the floor pretending Bai Wuxiang doesn't exist. In the first chapter of book 5 itself, Xie Lian gets to expose his former crown princehood- and when he literally just addresses Bai Wuxiang by the same title as Bai Wuxiang does for him, the guy loses it! Like...for such a powerful man, you can't help but feel how much he's being undermined here. He's always had the upper hand over Xie Lian and here they are, in his territory the Kiln, and his control over Xie Lian has somehow decreased in comparison to all their prior encounters!

It's a culmination of Xie Lian choosing to grow and make peace with his own former insecurities (unlike a certain other white-clothed calamity) and the power of hualian being in gay love that bring this about, I feel. That's what really gets the edge over Bai Wuxiang. Because it was 1 thing when Xie Lian went on with his life still terrified of Bai Wuxiang, having changed and grown and become stronger but scared of what Bai Wuxiang represents as to who he could be- who he WAS. Before he met Hua Cheng, Xie Lian was alone and unlucky and nobody cared for him in any way, and he was cool with assuming he didn't deserve to be cared for because of his actions. Hua Cheng's devotion to him is perhaps the 1 thing that makes him feel that he is worth more, that he doesn't have to atone the way he's been trying to and that he IS better than Bai Wuxiang.

In book 3, Hua Cheng says, "I can swear, you are you. You're not anyone else." Even if Xie Lian may not fully believe Hua Cheng when he reiterates that they are different people, Hua Cheng still goes out of his way to stress that Xie Lian is a person who himself is worth it. If Hua Cheng really sees that in him, maybe he is different to the Crown Prince of Wuyong in the ways that matter after all. So when he's having the same mask pressed onto him by White No-Face, it doesn't make a difference! He doesn't lose his mind in any way, and says all of this to White No-Face WHILE the mask is being forced on him (remember how the mask in book 4 correlated consistently with Xie Lian's worst days, like appearing on him right when he decided to genocide Yong'an? Xie Lian changes this and takes control of the mask!).

He, in the cry-smiling mask, is able to turn the tables on Bai Wuxiang because he is actively different to him, and he KNOWS it. Hua Cheng makes sure he knows it when he doubts himself, giving Xie Lian the confidence he needs to finally emotionally overcome Bai Wuxiang (the same way he gives Xie Lian the spiritual power needed to break his shackles! perfect symbolism). This is the ultimate win I feel Xie Lian gets over him, because of both himself and Hua Cheng! The rest of the book is Xie Lian solidifying this win over a man who keeps being subverted, keeps being confounded ever since book 4 by Xie Lian's refusal to do what he did.

Further point I would like to make about Xie Lian calling Bai Wuxiang potentially really ugly- which, A) Burn?!?!?! And B, got me thinking that him reacting so violently to that is also kind-of a sign of him having not made peace with his former Crown Prince-hood. I'm sure he was praised for being handsome as a Crown Prince the way Xie Lian was, and never got over the fact that he fell so far from his once glorious status. The idea of being ugly under the mask now makes him feel even more defensive of his own failings and the idea that under the mask, internally, he might not be as good/right as he wanted to be and that this is his own fault- because Xie Lian doesn't wear a mask, doesn't care about being called ugly because something so shallow (even though it's perfectly valid to care about your appearance at all) makes no huge difference to his self-perception. He's just doing his best out here no matter what. By choice. Jun Wu could've had that, but he chose not to out of self-pity eclipsing his desire to be, in some sense of the word, a good person, and it kills him to know that.

I think the fact that this 1 funny exchange actually reveals an awful lot about the characters really says something about the quality of MXTX's narrative placement as well as intricacies in dialogue that make reading TGCF so...beautiful.

[the-forests-blessing]

Chapter 12

Summer comes to a slow and gradual end within the passing weeks. The changing of seasons arrives with cold air and ruffling leaves dancing together in the wind, or scattering against the brick pavement in town. Strangely enough, the downpours that typically mark the arrival of fall cease to present themselves, instead leaving the memories of moody clouds and heavy rainfall back in summer. In fact, Lukas hasn’t seen the rain since the evening prior to the day he was introduced to the bakery, and started the cycle of giving the Admin his fresh baked offerings.

     From August to September, Lukas spends the rest of his first official month in BeaconTown, attending to the forest and its mysteries, while also coming to accept that as much as he wanted to avoid the town and its problems, learning about the forest's destruction as well as the misunderstood Admin himself; he knows that avoiding these problems is no longer a possibility. Not when the preservation of nature is at stake, as well as the lives of the individuals who live there. 

     As time passes, Lukas finds it odd that the Admin hunters are no longer seeking him out for questions, nor are they simply getting in his way just to bother him and send him back to the forest in a bad mood. In fact, it's been strangely peaceful around town, something of which keeps Lukas on edge, believing it's a bit too good to be true. 

     Radar and Nell have been more active in his life. This was annoying and unwanted attention at first, the author only really using them to gain more information and then brushing their existence off without another care. This, of course, along with his revelation towards his own rude behavior to the Admin, was a turning point in Lukas. 

     He’s not one to try and get to know people. There’s no point when you’re a traveler like him. Relationships just… don’t work. All his previous attempts in the past have failed, so why get started now? After all these years? Even if he did make that connection, it would all fall through the roof when he has to leave again. 

     Despite all odds, Lukas found Radar and Nell’s company to be surprisingly more enjoyable as time went on. He didn’t come to BeaconTown expecting to make friends. He doesn’t go anywhere expecting to make friends. It just isn’t something that clicks with him, so the first few times interacting with the two, Lukas was sure to keep conversations brief before the awkwardness rolled over into discomfort.

     Now though, Lukas sees them both just about every single day. 

     …And they’re happy to see him.

     Such a troublesome duo. Lukas will lay awake staring up at the pitch black ceiling in his room until the clock strikes midnight thinking of their strange behavior. That is, of course, when his mind takes a break from thinking of the Admin, or the gaggle of rowdy hunters who act like they own the town.

     He’s been going to the bakery on a near daily basis now, acquiring fresh baked goods for himself, Allay, and Admin. It definitely made some brows raise at the sight of a fit person like him coming in to order another generous amount of goodies before returning the next day empty handed for more. Lukas just brushes it off with the implications he’s saving up for when he leaves town officially. 

     Radar and Nell both know of his frequent day trips to the woods, and while both of them in the beginning were quite frightful for Lukas’ safety, their demeanors have since calmed, and the two instead ask about his day rather than quiz him on what he’s seen or hasn’t seen. 

     Nobody will ever know he’s actively seeing the Admin. Even hinting at the idea of Lukas seeing him can put them both in serious danger. He thinks ahead of time with this in mind, going so far as to logging a secondary journal with copious amounts of forest details that keep the two nosy BeaconTowner’s curiosity sated. Radar really enjoys the wildlife passages, while Nell specifically wants all the creepy crawly details on bugs… To Lukas’ dismay.

     That being said, it’s a strange feeling having people be so open and honest with their interest in what Lukas is doing. Typically, in the past, Lukas is always the one going around asking questions and seeking answers whether it be for ecological purposes, or desire for basic knowledge. Radar and Nell have been a strange turning point in his life, actively seeking out his participation with them around town or even just to ‘hang out’. Nobody’s ever… wanted to hang out with him before. Lukas was stuck on that question for hours after it had been said and done. 

     This… friendship… that he’s developing with the two. He isn’t sure how comfortable he is with it. While he does enjoy finally having people to talk to about his travels and learnings of the world, he can only foresee that this connection may cause trouble in the future. 

     After this long week and a half, Lukas has made great effort in mapping out the dense woodland of the Admin’s shrouded territory. He even stored himself up in the library for a good chunk of the late night hours one evening to inquire in some cartography literature. Anything to help him better understand the practice, as well as give him insight on how forest cartography should be handled. At the end of the study, he decided to 'check out' the library book. Taking it with him in hopes of understanding its pages better once he’s actually amongst the dark trees and the maze-like twists and turns they send him in. 

     When he does come back to the forest, he’s drawn to his normal path that brought him here in the very beginning. Climbing up that fallen tree to scale up the steep slopes, past that mossy boulder that sits by its lonesome in a patch of ferns and grass, then absconding into the dense fog that keeps the Admin’s forest overshadowed and protected. 

     When he enters the ancient woods, he is always sure to stop by that small clearing where the azure bluet’s grow. With passing time, the patch has flourished, as well as the grass bedding it. Here is where Lukas leaves his basket of goods for the Admin and his Allay. Lukas has kept up on his own personal promise, which is to keep himself a safe and comfortable distance from the Admin to avoid further conflict or discomfort. 

     Unfortunately, his interest in the Admin is undying no matter how much distance he puts between them both, but he knows this is for the better. If the deity truly wanted him around, then Lukas is sure he’d ask for it, or at the very least attempt to linger for it, but with most interactions that have come between them since he first gave him the cookie, which is already far and few between, well… 

     He’s always met with that pensive, glowing turquoise stare. The very few times the Admin has put himself on Lukas’ path of adventure, the deity does nothing more than gaze ominously down at him. Almost in expectation of something, but that something, Lukas has no idea what it is. So he smiles at the Admin, telling him he hopes he’s having a good day before passing by without another word. The distance between them grows as Lukas walks, and he can feel the familiar chill of being watched, prickling with goosebumps of awareness crawling over his skin. 

     When he looks back, the space where the Admin once stood is then empty. 

     The forest dweller is as much of a mystery as the town surrounding him. Lukas truly doesn’t know what to make of him. He’s spent countless hours researching gods and goddesses, and even religious figures, just to get some sort of insight as to what the Admin could be. Heck, he even indulged in some laugh worthy articles on the ghostly, stalker-like entity, Herobrine. Just like everything else, nothing of value turns up, so Lukas is brought back to square one and leaves the topic alone until his curiosity is piqued yet again. 

     This has got to be some sort of cruel form of psychological torture. In a place where everyone is forced to keep their mouths shut about the one thing he wants to learn, Lukas feels himself getting stir crazy. He’s itching to ask more about the Admin to Radar and Nell, and he’s silent with his desperation for knowledge from the big guy himself. But Radar and Nell are too shaken up to spill the beans, and Admin is, well… Mute, while also very menacing, to say the least. 

     The Allay is the one presence in the forest that seems to be genuine with its intentions of making friends with Lukas. The floaty blue sprite is gentle and playful in nature, always showing up soon after Lukas enters the forest. There've been many bonding moments between himself and this little fairy, from playing fetch with the mouse it's kept in its inventory, to sharing lots of treats, and Lukas even taking the time to show off his journals to it. There was even a day where Lukas had the little creature napping in his lap while he re-read his current draft. As time went by, the Allay was far less timid with Lukas, and has even allowed him to touch it. 

     With a gentle hand, he reached down to where the Allay napped in his lap, petting its head, and frail body. So soft… Almost silky smooth in texture. The feeling of this creature is neither hot nor cold. Lukas wonders how that is. Then there was a brief second of horrified panic when Lukas realized the little creature wasn’t breathing, so he gave its cheek a nudge, to which it woke up and blinked up at him with confusion. Creators, it took minutes for Lukas’ racing heart to ease down and for his nerves to relax. 

     Another log for his journal:

     The Allay cannot be classified as a living organism. Unlike your typical organism, whether it be a mammal, insect, fish, or plant species, the Allay itself lacks the organs, or basic cell structure that is required to qualify it as such. Instead, within its small body resides a faint, blue glow. The longer I watch the glow, the more I am able to notice a somewhat dull, pulsating light emitting from it. I’m uncertain as to if this glow is its lifeforce. Further research will be required.

     On top of notes similar to that, a good portion of his journal is filled out with doodles of the Allay, as well as the research he partakes in when the creature allows it. Like wingspan, height, weight. He even went as far as asking the Allay itself questions like, “what do you like?”, to which the creature would show him the toy mouse. Lukas shook his head. “Other things. What would you play with before you got the mouse?” He asked, and the Allay responded by floating around their surroundings, picking up pebbles, then offering them to him. 

     “Rocks?” Lukas looked down into his palm where the pebbles lay, feeling a pang of pity for this friendly little spirit. Who knows how long it's been out here? With nothing to play with but rocks and other items only found within its habitat. It’s no wonder the Allay jumped at the opportunity to take a toy, a real toy for itself when it did. Lukas has already made the decision to let Allay keep it, with hopes that Dewey will understand. After all, the Allay has taken a liking to it, and Dewey is always excited about getting new play-things. 

     As for the Admin… 

     Lukas’ gift giving has seemingly struck a chord within the deity. 

     Nearly every day, aside from the days Lukas stays back in town, he has brought the basket back packed full of goodies for the Admin and Allay. Allay is always there on time to meet him, which leads Lukas to believe the little spirit has begun to wait for his return. Anyways, he brings the basket back and drops it off at the azure bluet’s clearing. Here, he leaves it for the day, his offering to the Admin for allowing him to continue to tread through his forest. 

     The first week was what he’d expect. The occasional run-ins with the Admin lead to a staring contest that always depicts Lukas as the famed loser. The second week though… Lukas was shocked to return to the clearing as he was heading back to town. He was going to grab the now empty basket just as usual, only to find its surface sprinkled with dirt and… something being left in the confines of the cloth? 

     Lukas immediately knelt down and dug into it, wondering if an animal had come by in an attempt at tampering with the food, only to unravel the cloth and find…

      Rocks?

     Lukas’ confusion could not be any more plain as day. He sifted through the bundled up cloth and found not just any ordinary rocks, but… “Basalt?” The blond holds the igneous rock up, turning it over in his hand. “But.. how? Basalt only forms in volcanic environments.” Looking around, he stuffs the basalt into one of his chest pockets on his adventure gear. As for the other two rocks in the bundle, they all look to be different pieces of fine-grained basalt. 

     Lukas doesn’t know what to make of this. 

     Is this Admin trying to tell him the baked goods he’s been bringing him are dense or bland, tasting like rocks? Today he’d brought honeybuns, ones that he tried and thoroughly enjoyed taste and texture wise. He certainly didn't catch any rock-like attributes to the honeybuns.

     Lukas takes the rocks with him anyways, hoping to examine them closer to see if this basalt is anything different compared to the types in his Nether notebook. 

     The next day, Lukas returned and offered up something entirely different. Radar and Nell showed him to a small farmers market that shows up outside of town on certain weekdays. Too scared to set up in town, the farmers in the surrounding biome come together just on Beacon’s outskirts to offer their fresh produce. Lots of colorful tents, consisting of not only produce vendors, but also many craftsmen as well. Someone had a whole tent dedicated to their own custom birdhouses, something of which nearly made Lukas tear into his wallet. 

     The only reason he didn’t purchase one is because he realized, where exactly was he going to put it? He himself doesn’t even have a home yet, therefore Lukas promptly exits the tent and explores elsewhere. 

     Many of the BeaconTowner’s seem to enjoy this farmers market, as do Nell and Radar. Lukas certainly does, because it’s here he finds not only fresh fish, but was able to pick berries and fruits far sweeter and tastier than what the stalls in BeaconTown had to offer.

     The sweetberries were too good to pass up, and knowing that Allay and Admin both enjoy them, he decided to get a variety of berries. Sweetberries, blackberries, blueberries, they even had glow berries! But those were borderline sour. Good grief Lukas almost died resisting the urge to spit it out. After obtaining his own groceries, and what he wanted to offer the Admin, he went back to BeacInn and readied up. 

     That same day, the woven basket was filled up again once Lukas returned. Our author walked over, eyeing the basket with suspicion. Kneeling down, he searched through the confines of the cloth, noting that there was less dirt sprinkled about, but what he opened up to took him totally off guard. Lukas gawked down at what looked to be a piece of wood, but when he lifted it up, feeling along the glossy exterior with curious fingers, he realized what it truly was with a glimmer of excitement shining in his eyes. 

     This is petrified wood. He can’t get a notable distinction as to what colors reside within its layers due to the overshadowed forest, but feeling over its surface, he can tell this piece is something extraordinary. 

     It’s here where Lukas comes to a bone-chilling realization that made his stomach drop.

     These things… Could they possibly be gifts the Admin is offering him in return for the treats he brings back? While it does sound like a reach, he can't think up any other reason why the lonesome deity would offer him overworld rarities like basalt and petrified wood. 

     “Auugh no..” Lukas shakes his head. There's no way.. I feel like he hates me being here. Maybe he's just trying to return the favor because it's the kind thing to do, Lukas thinks with a shadow of guilt looming over him. I hope he doesn't think he has to do this for me. 

     The ecologist holds the wood in his hands, pondering on it in his gloomy surroundings. He feels bad, but he stuffs the wood piece into his satchel, then uses the straps to adjust the bag off his back and return it to reside over his shoulder once again. 

     That night, Lukas sat at his desk examining the petrified wood closely. It's unlike anything he's ever seen before in his life. The exterior is black, while the interior fades into a mix of dark purples and blues. Holding it under the warm lighting of his desk lamp, he can see that the object seems to glow at different angles as it reflects against the lighting. 

     “So cool…” Lukas draws out in a mesmerized whisper. “This specimen must have been buried somewhere where something extraordinary occurred. I can't imagine wood would go through the petrification process and turn out like this anywhere else in the world.” He turns it over in his hand, looking into the blurry and misshapen reflection of himself over the jagged surface. “Dewey, this has got to be the greatest thing our crystal collection has acquired to date,” he says, turning around in his chair to show the ocelot.

     Dewey, however, doesn't respond. Poor guy is knocked out on the bed for the night, exhausted from yet another adventure. 

     Lukas sighs, turning away to gaze down at the crystal he holds in his lap. He wishes he could express to the Admin how much he appreciates this object without the risk of annoying the grumpy god. 

     Lukas is at the point where he truly believes the deity may very well be incapable of expressing any other emotion. Maybe he's just.. the god of being in a bad mood. It certainly doesn't bother him like he feels it would if it were any other person. The Admin himself is something that would be talked about in folklore, or perhaps talked of in some obnoxious cryptid encyclopedia.

     Lukas always thought those books were such jokes. 

     …Now he isn't so sure.

     The Admin could very well fall in line with that, but Lukas is more confident with the godly descriptors as the man does wield strange powers beyond human comprehension. His existence absolutely baffles Lukas to this day, even after having knowledge of him for weeks now. He's got telekinetic powers. A broad, massive form that is an outlier to any normal human. That dark blue skin Lukas is finding himself captivated by as of late.. And those glowing eyes. 

     The pink tint on his cheeks goes unnoticed to the blond as he stands up from his desk and changes into his sleepwear. Lukas is aware he's become… conflicted with some emotions towards the Admin. He knows he's supposed to leave him alone and focus on his work, but it's hard to do that when the lonesome god is all he's thinking about as of late. It's a very strange feeling… Wanting someone's attention for once. Attention that isn't just being stared at, waiting for Lukas to say or do something when he knows he's better off not saying or doing anything. 

     Lukas grasps a pillow as he settles in bed, holding it in his arms while he shimmies in under the heavy duvet, also attempting to work his way under the sheets without disturbing Dewey. Before he closes his eyes, Lukas takes a long look outside the window, gazing out at the distant tree tops before nuzzling his face into the pillow and falling asleep. 

     Up turns a little black nose, pointing up towards the trees as it takes a few sniffs. A long, spotted tail flicks, while wide emerald eyes soak in all that surrounds them. Dewey stands on a tall rock, its surface overgrown with lush moss, making the jungle cat look stoic in the way he stands tall above the ocean of foliage encompassing the boulder. There’s a familiar scent that caught his attention. His black ears swivel around, zeroing in on the rushing sound before he finally pinpoints the direction its noise comes from. “Mmrrooow?” He meows, looking back towards his owner, the tall blond approaching him now with quite an impressive walking stick. 

     “Ahoy, Captain Dewey. Have yee found the treasure we seek?” Lukas gives his best pirate impression, making the ocelot deadpan and look back at him with the most unimpressed expression. “What? Can’t blame a guy for trying to have a little fun." Lukas reasons innocently, making his spotted companion roll his eyes and jump from the massive rock. He lands perfectly on his paws only a few feet from Lukas. Dewey gives the air a few good sniffs again, then points the white tip of his tail towards the direction of the distant sound. 

     “Well, lead the way, buddy.” Lukas gestures for him to press onward. The ocelot nods, then the two return to hiking their way through the forest.

     Another lovely day out in the Admin’s forest, though not as lively as usual… Allay has been nowhere to be seen for hours. The little sprite usually waits for Lukas to make his appearance at the clearing where he leaves sweet treats. He’s pretty confident that the spirit has caught on to his gift giving and eagerly waits for his return with something new in the morning, so it makes him feel terribly guilty the few days where he has decided to stay back in town and either catch up on rest, or work on his own writing. Just imagining the poor little guy waiting and waiting, just for nobody to show. 

     Lukas brought, and left cookies at the clearing again today, so he’s hoping that will make up for the missed time and treats. 

     Dewey bounds over twisting roots, springboards off flimsy limbs of fallen trees, and kicks up leaves as he surges across the forest floor. Lukas takes his time catching up thanks to the desire path he’s found himself following. The path is wide, providing a useful shortcut through the dense undergrowth. Lukas pays close attention to the ground at his feet, following a trodden path that’s been made from years of use from which he can only imagine who. 

     Soon enough, his ears perk at the sound of running water. Ocelot instincts ignite like a roaring fire, picking his boots up off the forest floor in an enthusiastic run. He runs closer and closer to the sound, and when it comes down to it, he’s having to bend down, pushing branches out of his way so he can squeeze himself in through a dense thicket of shrubs. 

     Lukas’ teal eyes widen, catching the glow of the warm sun reflecting in them, making his pools an ocean at sunset with the way he gazes up into the unbelievable sight he beholds. Emerging from the thicket, he walks out into a grassy space, and a view the massive gap in the trees that lies ahead of him. Between his side of the forest and the other lies a widespread river. The river is like that of a painted art piece. The water is calm, the trees around him are outstanding, and the sunbeams filtering in through the gap of the trees sheds an entirely new light to this part of the Admin’s forest. 

     Lukas closes his eyes and breathes in. The wind kicks up just in time for it to tussle his blond tuft, which lay delicately over his forehead now after that energizing run. The temperature here is warm, unlike the cold and dreary climate the rest of the biome offers. 

     He’s not sure where Dewey ran off too, but he knows his ocelot will be okay. He’s got a keen sense of taste and smell and can catch Lukas’ scent with ease. It won’t be difficult for him to find his way back to the author. 

     Taking careful steps, the only thing keeping him from the river's edge now is a small slope of rocks and dirt. His boots scuff the soil as he adjusts his footing, easing himself down slowly but safely until he takes his first steps onto the rocky shore. Our adventurer grasps the strap of his satchel and peels it up and off of him, laying it down on a large, flat stone nearby. 

     Rocks shuffle and clack together under his footing until Lukas comes to a full stop just a few inches away from the water. Looking out over the water, he can see dragonflies fluttering over the moving river, occasionally landing on the tall reeds sticking out of the rocky riverbed. The sound of quacking makes his own ears perk and he turns in the direction of a duck wading just a few feet away from the shore, and with her follows a line of four fuzzy yellow ducklings.

     Lukas’ breath is shortly taken by the tranquility of it all. Despite the darkness that overshadows the massive coniferous woodland, where there’s sunlight, there is life living amongst it. The human looks up, gazing up past the dark treetops, watching the same normal clouds drift in their own lazy river overhead. 

     Turning his head down, he notices his reflection in the crystal clear water. So he bends down, crouching and looking in past the swaying ripples, noticing the colorful, yet natural rocky riverbed underneath. 

     Lukas sighs, taking another deep breath. He raises his head and closes his eyes, focusing on listening to the sounds that surround him. He can hear the beat of the dragonflies' wings, the quack of the nearby duck family, as well as the chatter of birds up in the tall pines looming above. He smiles, basking in the serenity, feeling like new… 

     After a few moments of silence, his eyes flutter open and the author looks back down into the water. His attention to his own reflection instantly drifts over to a strange glow residing in the water to his left. Lukas’ brows knit and he leans in, focusing on the glow and then.. He realizes the distinct shape that flows over the water's surface with them. 

     Lukas gasps, throwing his hands down into the rocks and turning his body to look up at the massive presence he somehow failed to notice. “A-Admin?” Lukas stutters out, his voice small with surprise. The deity stands directly beside him, a foot back and to his left. The sun glows over his impressive build, shedding light upon an entity who still shrouds in his own eerie shadow. The man, despite the warm light surrounding him, his complexion stays dark, his face overshadowed and his eyes baggy with unspoken exhaustion. 

     The little blond human scrambles to stand up, stuttering as he does. “G-geez.. Persistent with the element of surprise as ever.” Lukas brushes off any dirt on his exposed knees, then stands fully, looking up from the worn boots, all the way up past that warm flannel and leather chest armor, then landing on the god’s… blank expression. 

     Lukas grasps his arm, looking down and away once that awkward feeling begins nagging him almost immediately. “H-hi..” He says with hesitation, weary of his own word choice when it comes to the stoic, yet silent presence. The dark blue man breathes in, then huffs in response before turning away and walking towards the river.

     Lukas’ sparkling eyes widened, his jaw fallen slack, utterly speechless with the Admin actually returning his greeting, albeit in his own mute way. He watches the towering man walk away, listening to the rocks on the shore crunch under a significantly much heavier weight as compared to what Lukas was capable of creating earlier. The human is rooted to his spot for a few silent seconds before he too is strung along by the string of curiosity pulling him closer to the gloomy entity. Nervous hands fumble together just below his chest pockets, uncertainty making him anxious as he defies his own promise and.. brings himself closer to the deity.

     Lukas approaches shyly, coming to stand a couple feet away from the deity, right next to the gentle river current. He takes his chances, glancing up at him. From his short stature, and from this angle, he gets a good view of that gnarly scar that splits the right side of the Admin's cheek. Its delicate turquoise color looks.. strangely nice against the dark blue skin.. despite it being what it is. The Admin doesn't look at him. He only stands and stares out over the moving water. 

     “U-uhm.. Thank you, Admin. For the basalt and petrified wood. I'm quite the rock enthusiast,” the blond utters a small chuckle, “Lame, I know. Heard it a million times, but I really appreciate it.” Lukas raises a hand and scratches nervously at the back of his neck, feeling that.. weird feeling again. 

      Something isn't right… Lukas catches on quickly, then dismisses it immediately the moment he feels the prickle of goosebumps rising over his pale skin. He perks up and looks over, finding the god apparently still watching the flowing river in front of them both. Lukas too looks out, and within passing seconds, he hears the Admin draw in a big breath of the clean, crisp air, then sigh it back out. 

     Lukas’ cheeks warm, and he can feel a rush of relief and excitement mix together inside him. He's actually standing here with me.. And doesn't look, or seem grumpy at all. 

     This motivates Lukas greatly. The blond suddenly decides to kneel back down, settling upon his knees just a few inches from the water licking at the pebbles. “You know, rivers are the perfect place to go rockhounding,” he says as he dips his hands into the running water, inciting a chill to run through his body at the stream's cold temperature. “ Brrr .. Cold..” He shifts his hands within the pebbles under the rippling current, continuing as he does. “Pieces of rocks get chipped away and become rounded with time. Abrasions like that can cause pebbles tiny like this-,” he plucks one from the water, then holds it up to the deity, “-to erode, and it's likely this tiny pebble could have started out as big as this rock here.” Lukas leans over and grasps a rock at least three times the size of the pebble from the shoreline, holding both out for the Admin to look at. “Or maybe even bigger! Pretty cool, huh?”

     Lukas is met with that familiar silence, as expected, although he keeps a close eye on the Admin's expression, searching for any sort of disturbance. Thankfully, that blank stare rests easily on him. Lukas can't help but wonder…

     “Would you like to see?” He asks, risking his own cheerful mood by staying hopeful. A pause… Then— Lukas tenses as the deity shifts, hearing a grunt emit from him as he settles his hefty weight down onto the pebbled shore beside him, keeping a comfortable distance. Lukas is breathless with elation at the gesture. “O-okay..” A small smile of disbelief as he looks down at the rocks in his hands. He swallows the block in his throat and shuffles a little in his spot, getting comfortable. 

     “A couple years ago, when I was in the beginning of my travels, I visited this small village out in a grasslands biome. It was surrounded by tall hills, and the villagers built their village tucked nice and right in the middle of the valley. Lots of little streams ran through it, and while I was studying Villagerese, one of the sessions I had with my mentor was learning to make rock and gem bracelets.” Lukas turns his attention back down to the water, dipping his hands into its current. “He brought me to one of the streams, and he had me choose a bunch of different pebbles I liked from the riverbed. Then he took me back to the village stonecutter and they were able to turn the rocks into beads.” 

     Lukas plucks a pebble from the water, then turns to the Admin, showing off the little white stone. “This is diorite. Super common, but still really pretty with its white and gray speckles.” Lukas keeps the pebble in his palm while he sifts for more, then adds a couple more to the mix. “Here's granite, andesite, and calcite. Most people call these kinds of rocks trash-rocks, but I think they're all unique in their own ways.” 

     He watches the Admin closely. The glowing gaze lingers for a few moments on the author's hand before he turns his attention away to the water in front of him. Lukas watches a pebble pluck straight from the water, floating in the air– immediately striking a nerve. 

     “Whoa, whoa, hand on a second.” Lukas gestures for him to stop, causing the pebble to plop back into the water and the Admin to snap his eyes back at him. Lukas quickly corrects his tone. “Sorry.. It's just that it's more special if you experience it hands on . Your powers are amazing and all, but part of the beauty in rockhounding is feeling each and every rock individually, searching for your favorites, rather than just pulling whatever you decide out of the water.” 

     The Admin’s gaze doesn't strengthen with annoyance or frustration from Lukas’ interruption, instead his tired eyes turn away from the little human, taking a moment of consideration before dipping his gloved hands into the water, just as Lukas encouraged. 

     The blond beams with joy as he watches the silent deity sift through the current just as he did. I can't believe this is happening.. He thinks, unable to shove down the wobbly smile he makes watching this.. big, strong god do as he suggested. If he wasn't beet red already, he almost certainly is now that his stomach did a strange flop. Lukas feels.. wonderful with this development. He doesn't remember the last time he's ever felt this ecstatic. 

     He tears his eyes away to avoid staring, focusing himself on his own collecting. The rocks in the water here are beautiful, no matter how common they may be. Amongst the rocks he already named, he found ordinary stone, tuff, and even some small specs of iron shimmering within the riverbed. When he looks back at the Admin after a couple of quiet minutes, he notices a nice collection of wet pebbles in his own massive palm. The novelist sits back, digging into one– then two, and three of his adventure gear pockets, searching until he finds what he’s looking for.

     “Here. Check this out.” He pulls out the bracelet, showing it off to the deity who now glances up from his own search. “This is the bracelet I was talking about. Find enough of the rocks you like, and I can bring it back to BeaconTown’s stonecutter to get them tumbled and cut into beads.” Lukas smiles, hoping the Admin would accept his offer. 

     He watches the Admin’s eyes flick from the pebbles in his own hand, over to Lukas’, then up to the human’s eyes. Both their gazes lock together while the Admin seemingly thinks of his answer. In one slow movement, the deity outstretches his arm and opens his hand to Lukas, flicking his gaze to the rocks in the ecologist’s hand, then back to his own palm, then at Lukas, waiting expectantly. 

     “Oh.. you want mine?” Lukas scoots a little closer. "Here," he then leans in with his hand and pours what he has into the Admin’s waiting palm. The pebbles all clack together once they meet the gloved palm of the Admin. Lukas feels choked up at the visual, unable to take his eyes off of how close their hands are together. Their shared difference in size is something Lukas finds very captivating. His own pale hand is so small compared to this god’s mighty fist.

     Lukas sits back once the pebbles are delivered, and watches with great attentiveness as the deity closes his hands together into a ball and squeezes. The Admin makes a scrunched up face, his dark eyebrows furrowing, and his eyes flash bright before returning back to normal. The sound of stones cracking and crushing together comes from within the balled up hands, then when all is done, the Admin draws in a deep breath and sighs, uncovering his hands and revealing…

     Lukas throws his hands down onto the rocky shore, getting on all fours to get a closer look, his eyes glimmering with newfound amazement, utterly enthralled by the Admins power. The Admin had somehow crushed and smoothed out every single one of the pebbles within seconds, making them gloss over in a way that is incomparable to any of the rocks Lukas owns in his collection. The stones have a sparkly gloss that, only up close, is one able to really see with the naked eye. That, and they’ve all acquired tiny holes somehow.

     “That’s so cool!” Lukas blurts out without really thinking, then tenses, quickly sitting back and correcting himself. “I-I mean that’s.. Wow. Just wow. I’ve never seen anything like that before in my life! How’d you do it?” Lukas prompts without much of a thought, but to his further shock, the Admin responds with a shrug and looks away. An entirely new gesture for Lukas to obsess over later. “T-that’s okay, all I need you to know is that it’s amazing.” He smiles sheepishly, then reaches into another pocket and draws out long, thin pieces of woven string. “Here, let me show you how to put it all together.” 

     The Admin is surprisingly receptive with everything Lukas shows him. After the ecologist proposed to show the deity how to make the bracelets, Lukas realized that all of their chosen rocks had been mistakenly mixed together when the Admin took them all into his palms. This does not bother Lukas. In fact, he is extremely pleased with this outcome, because having the rocks that the Admin chose mix in with his own on the string that he’s currently working on makes this bracelet more special than it would have ever been if it were the other way around. 

     The Admin follows Lukas’ lead, tying a knot at the base of the woven string, then adding the pebbles one by one to its cord. They gather more rocks as time goes on, which Lukas shyly requests Admin to work his magic with. To Lukas’ relief, there is not an ounce of grumpiness coming from the deity. That, and now they only sit about three feet apart, something of which Lukas cannot stop thinking about considering the last time he got this close to the shadowy man, the Admin stamped his foot into the earth and growled angrily at him. 

      So what changed? Lukas wonders, glancing at the deity who sits quietly beside him, working away on his own string of rocks. Maybe it's the treats? He did seem to like those cookies I brought for him..

     By the time they are finished, Lukas ties his string around his wrist and, “Ta-da-! See? Pretty, isn’t it?” Lukas asks as he lifts his gaze up to the Admin, noticing how much longer the string of rocks is that the deity now holds up in front of his own face. His shadowy expression is unreadable, yet no longer blank as he stares at the beads. The Admin’s illuminated gaze feels less imposing, less threatening now with this short amount of time they’ve spent together.

     “All finished?” Lukas asks, and the Admin responds by holding the dangling string closer to Lukas. “Okay, sweet. It looks wonderful, nicely done, Admin. Mind if I..?” The writer reaches forward and takes the string of rocks into his grip, looking over the craftsmanship. “Hmm.. Might be a bit big. Mind if I try fitting it?” Lukas takes both ends of the strings between his index fingers and thumbs, scooting a bit closer to the deity. 

     Lukas tries not to look up at him, focusing on the gloves leather cuff that hides the man’s wrist. “Hmm..” The human hums thoughtfully, then looks up to the Admin curiously. “I don’t think I can tie it around your glove.. Would it be okay to take it off?” The hesitation that follows suit is to be expected. There’s a few moments of silence that pass where the only sound between them is the running water beside them both, as well as the distant chatter of birds up in the trees. Lukas is about to backtrack and never mind the idea, that is until he watches those big arms move, the sound of heavy clothing shifting, and a large hand grasping the cuff of his right glove, then slowly drawing it off his hand. 

     Lukas’ breath snags in his throat, choked by a block that developed at the immediate sight of the deity’s hand. Dark blue, just as the rest of him, but the amount of scars that litter his skin make Lukas’ heart lurch and his stomach twist with deep remorse. He has never seen someone so… broken and tattered. Dark freckles like the ones on the deity’s cheeks can be seen speckled here and there, but turquoise scars take up the most of his hand. Lukas frowns deeply, looking up at the Admin with empathetic softness in his gaze. Poor thing…

     The Admin doesn’t look at him, instead keeping his head turned and his glowing eyes fixated on something else in a different direction. Lukas forces himself to shake off his own emotions, quickly making a move to try and fit the bracelet on. Unfortunately, the string of rocks is much longer than he’d realized, and it's a bit too big to fit onto the Admin’s wrist. “Ah.. It’s a bit long.” Lukas says, gaining the Admin’s attention, making him turn his head back down to the human working the string around his blue wrist. “That’s okay though, nothing a couple adjustments won’t fix.”

     The deity reaches with his still-gloved hand, asking for the string, which Lukas is happy to return to him. To Lukas’ surprise, the Admin doesn’t make any adjustments with it, instead opening up one of his own leather utility pockets and sticking the string of rocks inside it. The Admin then moves, grunting as he comes to a stand. Lukas quickly stands too, placing his hand onto the rocks beneath him to help lift himself up and off his knees, which, ouch.. Kind of ache after resting on the rocky shore for so long. 

     “Well, that's alright. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. This has been a lot of fun! I never really get to sit down and have someone to show stuff like this to.” The blond runs his hand up the back of his head, rubbing it a bit while he looks around, feeling suddenly awkward. Lukas looks up to the deity now, finding his tired gaze focused on him. “I gotta go find Dewey. It’s getting a bit late and I was hoping to head back soon, but… uhh…” Lukas’ cheeks warm at the way his voice cracks and he fumbles. “Thanks for spending time with me. This has been so fun..” 

     The Admin’s tired gaze softens on him, then, with his scarred hand, reaches into the right pocket on his utility belt, retrieving something that hides within his massive fist as he then holds it out, waiting for Lukas’ hands. Lukas’ heart rate picks up, his own teal eyes sparkling with joyful cat-like curiosity. Cupping his hands together, he offers them out to the Admin, who drops a tiny reflective shard into his palms. 

     Lukas looks down, bringing his cupped hands inward, then plucks the little shard with his fingers and holds it up in front of the river, watching with adoration as the sun reflects against its many purple crystalline sides. “An amethyst shard..” Lukas breathes in disbelief. The shard is gorgeous, and quite unlike any he’s ever seen during his travels. This one is completely clear of dust and dirt. Each side is just as translucent as the other. Lukas grasps the amethyst shard in his palm, holding it in his fist close to his chest. “ Thank you..” 

     The Admin merely offers him a short nod in return before he turns and fades into black shadow, then disappears in the blink of an eye entirely, leaving Lukas to stand alone with his gift, as well as the fluttery feelings he experiences.

     Back at the BeacInn, Lukas has changed out of his adventure gear, and into some black sleep pants and a cozy woven light blue sweater he typically wears on cold nights like this. The clock on the wall reads 9 p.m. He’s been attempting to sleep for quite some time, but the amethyst shard he holds up above his head has kept his mind captivated and restless, too busy thinking of the day to sleep. He turns it over, watching the way the moonlight from the nearby window reflects against its crystal surface. It’s beautiful, he thinks again. 

     He drops his arm, keeping the gem held with his enclosed fist and stares up at the ceiling. This is going to be a long night…

     A long night indeed… 

     After about thirty minutes of debating, Lukas exits the door to his room quietly, making his way to the stairwell and descending each step carefully. The BeacInn is usually quiet, with not many guests staying, but it's even more quiet in the dead of night. Lukas exits the front door, and once out on the front steps of the inn, he tucks his jacket in on himself as a chill from the cold night air makes him shiver. He takes in the peace and quiet of the completely empty streets. The street lamps have come on, preventing any monsters from spawning, thus encouraging our restless author to take his steps out into the street. 

     A late night walk might just be exactly what he needs to calm his mind enough to allow him to finally rest once he returns to his room. Dewey stayed back in the room, finishing up his late night snack when Lukas left. Now all the human can do is hope the ocelot is sleeping peacefully, and with a nice full belly. He had quite the adventure while Lukas was at the river with the Admin. When he found Dewey again, his ocelot had many burs sticking to his ruffled pelt. 

     He stuffs his cold hands into his pockets as he walks, thinking back to that strangeness his body kept experiencing while he was spending time with the Admin. It’s a very peculiar feeling, something he’s never felt before, and the weirdness of it all is beginning to make him feel so much more awkward and clumsy around the mute deity. Surely it must have something to do with the tension he feels around the Admin. Wanting nothing but positive feedback from the dark man of shadows. 

     Lukas thinks of him… Thinks of the tiredness in his eyes. His scars… He wonders what the rest of his—

      Step step step step–

     Lukas stops, hearing the sound of steps running up from behind him, he quickly turns. Only to be grabbed by the collar of his sweater and shoved up against the brick wall of a nearby building. The air escapes his lungs on impact and his fingers claw at the strong grip keeping him rooted against the bricks. His vision shakes and he coughs, blinking until his vision focuses and he sees none other than that damned Aiden on the other end of the arm keeping him pinned. Behind him are those two other hunter’s who he followed up into the Tower.

     “Sup, Losekas.” Maya says with a taunting smirk.

     “Haha, nice one,” the tallest of the three, Gill, chuckles.

     Lukas’ eyes have widened like a terrified, cornered ocelot. “Wh-what are you–?”

     “I knew it -” the green-eyed brunette spats, curling his lip in anger. “You have been going to the Admin’s territory.” Aiden growls, tightening his leather-gloved grip on the sweater and pressing inward on the author’s collarbone. 

     Lukas grits his teeth as a flourish of pain spreads where the hunter’s bony knuckles press inward on his flesh. “What on earth are you talking about?” He strains. 

     “Don’t play stupid with me!” Aiden gives him a frustrated shake, causing the blond to scrunch his face up. “All those traps out there have been destroyed! Not a single animal has been caught in them. We need those traps to keep the Admin distracted, and I’m not going to let some stupid ass nerd like you keep destroying them.” 

     “W-why are you assuming it’s me? I-I followed Petra’s wishes– I haven’t–” 

     “Shut up!” His aggressor snarls. “You listen here, Lukas.” Aiden’s eyes narrow, piercing Lukas with a sharp, furious glare. “Everything was going perfectly until you showed up. Those traps haven’t been tampered with in years! I didn’t make it this far in the ranks just to have my plans foiled by some sniveling author who doesn’t know how to keep his big nose out of other people's business.” Aiden releases Lukas, causing the taller male to fall back onto his feet with a gasp. But Aiden doesn’t stop there. 

     Suddenly, a sharp blade is being pointed up, its deadly tip staring Lukas straight in the eyes. “You listen to me, Lukas. If I so much as see you out there, I’ll do away with you myself. You know why?” The blond opens his lips to respond but Aiden shakes his head, a dark, ill-fated laugh falling out of him. “Because I know what you are. You’re a spy. The Admin’s little rat doing the dirty work for him since he’s too much of a bitch to come out of those damned trees and face us himself.”

     “Hah– yeah, and once he does, we have something that’ll re-” 

     Aiden drops the knife and turns, lashing out on Gill. “Shut the fuck up! What are you? Stupid?”

     “S-sorry! Sorry. I just–” 

     “Just what? Spell out every plan of ours to the spy who’s here to hear just that?” Maya puts her hands on her hips, joining Aiden by his side. Aiden sneers at the tallest hunter, shaking his head and sticking his knife back into a holster at his hip. 

     “Whatever. We’ll talk about this later. For now we–” Aiden turns and stops, realizing now that the blond human who had been held up against the wall has since disappeared. Aiden’s fists clench and his lip curls in a tremendous growl. “Dammit!”

     Lukas doesn’t stop running. The author booked it down the alleyway nearby the moment Aiden and Maya focused their attention on roasting Gill. His heart pistons out of control in his chest, his hand covering his mouth, utterly wracked with disbelief that he’d just been threatened at knife point. He runs through the alleyway until he reaches the massive wall that keeps BeaconTown protected, keeping it up until he finally makes it back to the BeacInn. He comes to a skirting halt, shaking horribly, absolutely terrified at what just happened.

      No… No, I can't go back to the BeacInn yet. I need… Lukas’ guiding heart tilts his head up and over into the direction of the blasted out wall.  Whether it be his anxiety, or his gut talking, he has a feeling, with this new development, that this wall will be getting patched very, very soon. Lukas doesn’t waste another second. 

     He knows who he needs.

[marshmallowprotection]

Been having a really shit time lately

Is it possible to request some post-GE Suit Saeran headcanons? (I like to explore suit and ray being separate alters from saeray sometimes because I miss them as individuals so much and want to see them grow as such)

Thank you!

Absolutely! I don't typically write them that way but I enjoy seeing the different takes on them! Just so you guys know, and I feel the need to point this out, the game never does officially confirms Saeran's mental health in terms of what he may have. We don't know if he has DID, OSDD, Bipolar, etc. So, there's no wrong way to interpret him as long as you're working to make sure whatever you're writing is done so respectfully.

Make sure to listen to people with the conditions you're writing with if you do not experience them personally, because representation is important and you do not want to demonize personality disorders or dissociative disorders. Media does that enough to people and that's harmful as it is.

We can all learn a thing or two by listening to others. I wouldn't want anyone to get things misconstrued because of the way I personally headcanon and write the characters.

When I'm writing Saeran, I write with DID in mind. I also write GE Saeran as a fusion of Ray and Suit Saeran after the events of Day 10. A lot of people get sad that I write it that way, because they feel as though those two disappear and no longer exist, within reality, they come together to create GE Saeran, or Saeray, as I lovingly call him.

Suit Saeran and Ray exist within him, because they are him, if that makes sense. Their experiences, memories, feelings, actions, all of that live on in GE Saeran. He knows them well because they were him.

Now, let me clear this up as well, the "fusion" of alters does not mean "cured". It doesn't magically make you "cured" all of a sudden. I better not see anybody spreading that kind of misinformation because that is not the case. DID will always be a part of someone with DID, it does not matter if alters have fused or not. Integration and fusion may be a goal for some systems, but it isn't for others.

It's a case by case basis.

Systems together decide what works for them, and nobody better tell them how to decide what's best for them.

Alright, now that we've cleared that up!

GE Suit Saeran is... struggling, for the lack of a better word. He told you his intention that night.

That night when he apologized for everything he ever did to you and how he wants to take accountability for it even if it takes him forever. He told himself that he would leave as best he could because it's not as if he has control over when he is fronting or not.

He wanted to minimize his contact with you as much as possible, to show you that he wants to work on himself as a person, and to heal the wounds that have been inflicted on him so that he can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Even if you accept his apology, he doesn't accept it for himself. He can't forgive himself.

That's one of the reasons why the after ending has a huge emphasis on GE Saeran working to forgive the people who hurt him. He just... perpetuated everything that was done to him by those people on to you. He learns how to forgive them so that he can forgive himself. It helps him find peace, too. To let go of the anger and move forward in life. He'll forgive but he'll never forget or look back.

In an instance where Suit Saeran and Ray exist as themselves, he would be minimizing himself as much as possible in the beginning if he could help it. After all, he told you that he knew Ray could take better care of you than he could. Ray has his own demons to work on, as well, because you also need to talk to him about accountability and how he feels about moving forward to accept what he did.

But, the difference between him and Ray is that Ray doesn't want to hurt people… and Saeran never had a qualm with hurting someone if it protected Ray or you, later on. Ray’s heart is truly gentle, and even if he’s done wrong as well, he won't hurt you... not like Saeran is very acutely afraid of doing. He knows he doesn't want to hurt you, but he also knows that he's not in a good headspace. He won't hurt you with the intention of doing so.

But, accidentally?

He could hurt you that way.

And as he is right now, he can't stomach the thought of hurting you more than he already did. Forgiven or not by you, once again, he can't forgive himself until he confronts his demons... and his way of doing that wouldn't look as close to GE Saeran's way. It'd be messier, mixed with his exhaustion, anger, and fear. He'll get there, I know he will, but it's a long road.

What would his interactions look like with you? Well, he would make a point to step away from you in the beginning and you would know why he's doing that. Every time he's around, he makes a point of giving you space, of letting you decide what you're comfortable with and what you aren't. Sometimes, you don't mind him sticking around, in fact, many of you may say that you don't mind him around at all, but it doesn't change the fact that he wants your express consent at all times to know it's okay to be there.

He is aware of everything he's done, and he's not going to corner you. He's afraid of doing that, actually.

That makes most of his interactions with you not as direct as they might have been in the past. There's a weariness about him that doesn't go away. Even when you try to talk to him, he tries to pull away, because, in his heart, he's going to feel like you're better off without him for quite a while. You have a gentle heart and so many people can abuse that.

He doesn't want to be someone like that, he doesn't want to become someone like the people who hurt him, and he can't imagine the thought of you making yourself vulnerable to him again on the off chance he has a bad day. His awareness of what he's done and what he needs to hold himself accountable for can sometimes go over the edge.

He may end up beating himself up more than anyone else would, and I imagine that sounds familiar, but what can you do? This is a difficult road... and even if he'd hate the idea of being like Jihyun Kim, there is just no denying this aspect they share. The only difference is Saeran wanting to do better and not wallow in self-misery... but it'll take him a while to figure out how to make the best choices for himself. At the very least, he wants to try.

Outside of the guilt in pain he's carrying, what good can you expect once he's found a place of peace? What can you expect after he's confronted his demons and he feels comfortable in his relationship with you? A partner who values spending time together, that’s for sure.

Saeran is happy you love him, and he doesn’t take it for granted. As hard as it is to talk about it, his favorite thing to do with you is to make meals. Far more than Ray, he likes making sure you’ve eaten well, and it’s not just to make up for what he did. He likes seeing you enjoy a meal. He likes being able to being teased by you, to feel your hand on his face as you nudge a spoon against his lips. He likes that you can do this together and it doesn't sting... it stings less and less the more you work together to make better memories.

(It was awful, horrible, and wrong. But, he later told you that not only was it meant to hurt you, it was meant to protect you, too. He knew they drugged the food with elixir and his not letting them feed you in that moment was because of his hurt and fear. It made no sense to him at the time but later on, it clicked.)

Parallel play. You don't have to be doing the same thing to enjoy time with him, and he just likes being in the same space as you. Sometimes, his health should have the two of you doing something separately so he doesn't feel as though there are odds stacked against him. He's still learning how to exist as himself, and as much as he wants to learn more about his existence by your side, he needs time to make sense of what he likes and what he doesn't like.

He wants the space to make mistakes and to learn from them by himself, but he knows if he needs help, you'll be there to help.

I will say if you want something light-hearted, the goofiest thing about him is that despite how it may seem on the surface, he's quite gullible, and you can trick him into doing quite a few things.

Of course, you should only use this for good, like getting him to try something new for dinner. In the end, he likes it when you do that, because something is empowering about knowing that you can push his buttons and stand your ground even in Normal situations. It's not that he wants you to push him around, it's just that he wants to know you can stand as his equal.

[flowersinurdustbin]

Have you ever confessed your love to someone? I did. I begged them to love me, but there is no forcing love. I never received a response. My letter went like this.

Hey You,

It’s hard knowing that someone like you exists. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you exist. Yet you’re out there in the world, and I can’t seem to forget about you. But like Dr. Suess said, don’t be sad it’s over, be happy it happened, right?

I’m writing this letter because I’m not sure when we will meet again, and I don’t think I’m capable of holding onto my truth in silence any longer. I love you, and I miss you. I love you like fire loves water. I miss you like I miss home. It is a feeling I can’t put words to, but I know I am still in love with you.

There’s no expectation for you to reply, but I need you to know that I feel this way. I don’t love you rationally, meaning I’m not about to argue that the problems we used to have would magically go away. And I’m not hurting from the breakup. This isn’t coming from a place of lust. What continues to hurt is my own denial of these feelings.

When I begged you to stay all those months ago, I didn’t know what learning to be alone would be like. I was so scared of the unknown. I was scared to lose you, and therefore to lose myself. In learning how to be alone, I had to come to terms with the depth of my love for you. I lost myself, and I found myself again. And who I am now is still someone who loves you.

I wonder how my feelings persist, considering the amount of time it’s been, but I do not wonder why the feelings persist. I love you because I can see the future in you. I don’t mean a future together, necessarily -- I mean the future of the world. Your kindness, your grace, your laugh, your nature, are one-of-a-kind. Your existence is proof that the world can be a good place.

Truthfully, I am probably insane for still loving you. But this year, I learned that being authentic and honest is worth any price, even that of rejection. I learned how to hold onto love and optimism despite fear and pain.

When I think about you, it is in two senses. First, in the ‘someday, maybe’ sense. I hold onto a hope that if we were ever to cross paths again, and it was truly right, we could have a healthy love. Mainly, I don’t worry about it ‘working out’, though. Realistic or unrealistic, I want to be more than friends. That’s the second sense; I do want to be with you.

You’re still in my head and my heart. From what I can tell, you don’t feel the same. However you truly feel, I hope you can be authentic and honest with me.

You know I think the world of you. I love you unconditionally, and unconditional love is scary, but it is also really special. I may not express a traditional kind of love, but I’m not a normal person. Independent, yet emotional. Strong, yet sensitive. Intelligent, yet aloof. I’m a screwed-up kid, but my heart could stretch the lengths of the Earth.

I am a lover, not a fighter. Some nights, the memories of arguments past cross my mind. I have to apologise for the pain I caused you. I am sorry. I never wanted to fight with you. I wanted to love you and feel loved in return.

Everyone deserves to feel emotionally understood in a relationship. In the past, I felt misunderstood by you, and I misunderstood you, too. But I’m no longer looking for ‘happiness’ as feelings of elation in a hopeless romance. I’m searching for happiness as contentment, peace, fulfilment, understanding in a soft, stable, and supportive romance.

Human connection is one of the only certain meanings of life. I feel a real connection with you. If I didn’t tell you, I wouldn't forgive myself.

You might be interested in somebody else. You might be interested in nobody, just taking care of yourself. You might tell me it’s one-sided, or be completely caught off-guard. You often say that you don't feel much emotion, but clearly, I feel emotions for you. Whatever the reality, don’t let this be cause to worry. I only want you to know the truth.

No matter how you receive this, I hope you think of me as someone who loves you, depth over distance. Life is short, and the days are long. I can't waste time waiting anymore. If you love someone, tell them, right?

Yours,

t

[bts-0t-7]

Breaking Bonds | PJM | Chapter 2

Pair: Fae Jimin x Nymph reader 

Summary: Stripped from your own birthright, you suffer at the hands of your people. But after all, you couldn’t blame them. Having enough, you left in the middle of the snowy days but things didn’t go as you planned. Jimin, pulled by an unspeakable force, ventures out into the blizzard to find a body face-first on the ground. Your love and connection is forbidden - looked down upon. But the both of you are willing to try. However, where there are dreams there are prices to pay. How will the both of you push through? Can the both of you do it?

Genre: Strangers to lovers, fantasy au, Jimin is the CROWN PRINCE (I mean-), angst, kidnapping, smut

A/N: AHEM - 👀 that's all the warning I'll give HAHA

WC: 3774

Heartbroken was truly not the right word to use while describing Jimin’s current state. 

He went around his duties like a ghost, refusing to sleep in any other place than your room even if it was freezing cold to him, and cried himself to sleep almost every other night. 

Hurt. 

He was hurt. 

Jimin could understand why you chose to leave. After all, he read your note. He knew he understood your intentions but he tried. He had hoped that you wouldn’t. His mother was barely in the picture, preferring her group of ladies rather than staying in his quarters and having some bonding. She was almost a non-existent figure in his childhood life. It was only when he started taking up his duties during adolescence, did she appeared more. 

His father and grandfather were always too busy fighting on the battlefield and when his father finally came home, Jimin was disregarded like an old rag doll. With the King in perfect condition, the young and naive Crown Prince was no longer being held at the throat for possibly taking over the throne. 

The only parent figures he had were the maids and servants in the castle. When he was young, they would sneak some snacks for him before bedtime and they would eat together as they watched the night sky. More times than not, stories would be told then. During his adolescence, some of the councillors would give him extra help for his homework. They would teach him the laws and ways of the kingdom not by books, but by actions. 

During seasonal festivals, the servants would always pair up with an undercover guard to bring him out of the castle - even if it is just for a few hours - and let him explore what would be his when he ascends. 

Jimin is forever grateful to those who took care of him growing up, some of them barely eighteen years old. But he had always craved a different sort of intimacy. Nobody could replace the absence of his parents but as Jimin grew older, he had wished that he would find the one for him so that he could shower them with as much love and care as the servants had for him. 

But as he came of age and after so many years of mindless finding, Jimin had started to give up until he found you, lying face first in the snow. He was drawn by an unspeakable force to venture into the depths of the forest that day. He was in the middle of his afternoon duties when he looked out into the vast snow and felt it. 

Jimin had initially wanted to ignore it but it got stronger the more time passed. So he went to the stables and settled his horse, trotting the both of them in an unknown mark. He observed where he was going, of course - southeast, with little turns and ups and downs. 

Until he saw your body on the ground. 

His heart stopped. 

That day, he figured out a new type of fear - One that was bone-chilling. 

He ran back to the castle and summoned as many well-known physicians as he could. And while you were bedridden, he carefully nursed you back to health, feeding you morsels of the forest that were saved in the kitchen. He picked out the rarest fruits and collected enchanted waters from the streams up ahead to bathe you. 

The both of you had grown a lot closer in those times, conversations revealing a shared desire for peace and unity between both your kingdoms. He kept you farthest away from his parents, and while nobody in the kingdom was oblivious to you being protected in the walls of the castle, they were of your connection. 

His people knew that he always had a soft spot for nymphs - just like he has for many other things. But fearing for your life, Jimin dared not share the connection he learned - a sacred bond of both the heart and the soul. He knew that you could feel it as well, many times preferring to lay on him rather than beside him. 

But history had to dictate that nymphs and faes were eternal enemies, their alliance forbidden. 

And the unexplainable feeling that coursed through his body when you left him - left him feeling completely… shattered. 

You weren’t certain which direction you were going.

You were never good with directions.  

Even worse without a compass, you walked on foot until it turned dark. 

You knew that you had to find shelter soon or the possibility of you being eaten in the middle of the night by some rouge animal would probably be higher than whatever tree you were resting on. Turning back, you decided that the cave behind the waterfall you had found was probably the best bet. 

A loud howl spurred you on, warning you of the troubles in the woods. As carefully as you could, you ran back in the direction of the waterfall. But you were running for more than fifteen minutes and you were sure that the waterfall was not more than a seven-minute walk away. You could still hear the sounds of the rushing water before you started but now, you couldn’t hear a thing. 

Stopping in your tracks, you panted hard, hands on your knees as you fought to catch your breath. In the snowy weather of the continent, there resides the deathly ghost leopards. They hunt when the sun sets, white fur easily blending into the snow of the surroundings. They are so silent that even your pointed ears cannot hear a thing. The only time you know that you are staring at it is when you look into their green eyes, glowing in the dark. 

When you were younger, your parents would always use the story of ghost leopards eating you up if you ventured into their territory to ensure you stayed in during the night. Now you truly wished you had just stayed at the waterfall when you had first found it. Because staring into the glowing eyes was not how you wanted your life to end. 

Your head bowed down as you cowered. Ghost leopards know no bounds on magic. 

They are known as the Balancers. These specific animals and plants are almost human-like, where they are not mystical beings nor are they completely mortal. They balance out the good and evil. But they too, have their seasons. Within the caps of the snowy mountains resides one of these.

Ghost leopards hail from the same element you came from but you were from two different sides of the coin. And while some nymphs have snow leopards as their spiritual partners, the both of you did not get along. 

“I’m sorry, I’ll just… leave.” You slowly backed away, keeping your attention trained on the ground. “Please just don’t eat me.”

But life wasn’t on your side it seems. 

The leopard in front of you leapt, precisely knocking you down as a shriek exploded out of you. You fought for your life as gigantic teeth clamped down on your arm and large paws scratched at your back. You started to fade out when the clashing of swords and hushed voices was the last thing you heard.

Jimin looked out of the window in his office. He felt a sense of gut-wrenching ache to go into the depths of the forest, much similar to the feeling the day he found you. But he knew you wanted nothing to do with him and therefore, brushed it off as his overprotective and clingy feelings. 

Softly sighing, he ran his hand through his hair and closed the curtains, turning to the bed. Your scent was slowly wafting out of the room and even your pillow, being the most heavily scented item, was starting to fade. Still, Jimin snuggled into the pillow, bringing it to his nose and letting your scent calm him down. 

It wasn’t until late in the night that the night shift guards returned, causing a much louder ruckus downstairs. It was shouting and clashing that Jimin woke up to. Squinting at the grandfather clock, Jimin registered that he had only slept no more than four hours. Groaning, he flipped himself onto his stomach and tugged the quilt higher. 

But it was the prolonged yellings that finally dragged him out of bed. He had half a piece of mind to go down and reprimand them for making so much noise, so late in the night. Jimin had put together that they were probably celebrating a big catch that the night shift must have brought back from their rounds. 

Just as he was tugging on his tunic, a guard, hands bloodied and face pale barged in. Jimin was immediately awake. Perhaps he thought wrong? 

Instinctively, he grabbed his sword that he had left leaning against the wall when the guard went, “Highness, there is no need. No monster is in sight.” Jimin was confused. If there was no killing needed, why are his hands full of blood?

“You are needed at the infirmary, Your Highness.”

Jimin didn’t put down his sword and walked out of the room. The guard followed him closely behind, footsteps rushed as the both of them headed down. Jimin should have been more alert, should have better sniffed around at the man to gain some inkling of what is going on because he was not ready to have another sight of you on the hospital bed. You looked like you were bleeding from every inch of your body, blood covering your arms and hair. 

His physicians were trying their best to staunch the bleeding but Jimin could just hear it. It wouldn’t stop. The wounds were to deep. 

“Who-” Oh, he was beyond furious. He would kill anybody who hurts you and his primal urges are urging him on a hunt right now. 

“It was a ghost leopard, Your Highness.” The same guard who led him over said. “We heard screams and ran over but the leopard already had its fangs down.”

Jimin loves animals but he would truly like the skin that leopard dry. 

Taking deep breaths, Jimin pushed a few physicians aside, commanding his powers forward. Small wisps of flames licked up your arms as they went in and out of you, before sealing your wounds. Your body was tense and twitching throughout the time. Jimin could only imagine what it is like for you. He was fire and you were ice. The polar opposites. 

As Jimin stepped back, he let the physicians fret over you once again. He never thought that he would have to see you lifeless on the bed, again. The first time had broken his heart so much he refused to move from his spot, worried that you would wake up the moment he leaves and there would be nobody beside you. The maids had finally convinced him to take care if himself when his father called him over for a council meeting at the main palace. He made it back just in time before you woke up. If he had been any later, you would have probably screamed bloody murder by then or jumped out the window, forever never making an appearance. 

But the worst of it was always seeing you on the bed, lying there, unmoving. And now that he has experienced your bubbly nature, it felt even more heartbreaking. His brows pinched as if they couldn’t stand the silence between the both of you. You were always saying something, always teasing him - and although he gets irritated, he would never dare say he didn’t like it one bit. 

Jimin felt like the whole tortuous process had started once again, waiting for any sign of response from you. Luckily, this time, it took you no more than two days before surfacing. Jimin was dead asleep when you had awoken and he had no idea until you had shaken him awake. 

“Jimin… Jimin.”

His brows furrowed. Why do people never let him sleep?

“Jimin.” He felt soft hands caress down his cheeks and he puffed them, turning to snuggle deeper into the pillow. Light laughter broke him out of his sleep-deprived state. It was a laughter he hadn’t heard in a while and your rings felt like absolutely harmony on his ears. 

His eyes shot open only to stare back at your frosty blue ones. Unbelieving, he pinched himself, wincing at the pain that shot up his arm. “Ouch…”

Your hand landed on his biceps with a smack. “Why would you pinch yourself, dummy?”

“I’m truly not dreaming?” He saw your brows furrow. “Truly?”

Your smile turned sad as the light left your eyes. “I’m sorry.” You got up into a sitting potion, hands dropping into your lap as you wrung the quilt between them. 

Jimin didn’t dare to probe the thin string between the both of you, allowing you space to speak. 

“I’m sorry. I know - It’s just that you deserve better and our bond will always be looked down on. I wanted to give you a better life rather than having to constantly hide and step on eggshells around the council and your family. Your kingdom is already unhappy as it is, I did not want to create more problems.” You hang your head, bearing your neck to him. But this is not Jimin. 

Jimin does not want you to feel like it is a necessity to apologise to him. He understood your train of thought and Jimin didn’t want you to be the one making all the decisions for him. 

“I just - I thought that it would have been better for you if I left and -”

Jimin tilted your head upwards, staring deep into your eyes. “What is good for me is a decision I choose to make for myself. And I choose you. For better or for worse, through thick and thin, I choose you. I do not need you, but I want you.”

Jimin searched your eyes for any form of discomfort before asking, “Do you want this?”

Silence followed the both of you and Jimin felt his airway close up. 

It couldn’t have been more than a few seconds but it easily felt like minutes. But Jimin kept silent - gave you space to think, to feel. Until your eyes cleared up and your voice was solid when you answered, “Yes. I want this.” 

Jimin’s breath got knocked out of him for the umpteenth time in the past few days. 

“Then it is this you will get.” Jimin brought your hands together, linking your pinkies as a promise. “We will be part no longer. I will not hide you or our relationship. I am yours.”

You nodded back at him. “I am yours.”

Jimin brought his palm to your cheek and moved closer. At a hair’s breadth away, Jimin stopped. “Are you sure?” He didn’t want to put you through anything you didn’t want but he has truly waited a long time for this. 

It was within a moment that he felt your lips on his. 

It was a tangle of limbs from then on. Nobody knew where it started and where it stopped. 

The bedroom door closed and only a small opening was left on the windows to allow some form of ventilation. Silent as it was, the servants and whatever guards who were not on duty were all sleeping.

You bit your fisted palm as you threw your head back and writhed around. But it was difficult when his very touch ignited a type of fire within you, dragging pleasure through your skin. 

“Mine. You’re all mine.” Jimin whispers into the night. Your hips instinctively pushed up, grinding against his length. 

“Please, please.” You begged, feeling your senses beginning to blur. You needed him close.

Jimin let you go, unbinding his hands from yours and sat up, stripping himself of his clothes. Without any form of restrictions, you reached for him, hands gliding down his toned body. You have never seen more than what was above and it was safe to say, you were thoroughly satisfied just from staring. 

Jimin remained upright, allowing you to explore his body as he did with yours. Your taste still lingered on the edges of his lips as he licked it, savouring the remains. Your hands glided over his body - fingers, palms, and lips. He watched as you traced every outline with that shiny look in your eyes. 

You took extra notice of the spots that he was most sensitive to - constantly arching his back, neck exposed. 

Jimin felt himself weaken in pleasure as you proceeded to lie over his body and worship his aching length. At this point, half of his rational brain was denying that he had never done this before but the other half of him was passed out from the pleasure. Just the moment your mouth engulfed his length, he was done for. 

“Oh, Jimin… God -” Your moans reverberated around, causing him to grip the sheets to find some slip of control. You abandoned his length and moved down to his heavy balls, hand remaining to jerk him off. He was so wet already, pulsating in your hand. 

“Ah - Oh, Y/N, it feels so good, ah.” Jimin moaned, face scrunching up from the force of keeping himself intact. “Ah, Y/N…”

It wasn’t long since you had gone down on him but Jimin was already grasping at the sheets, pulling them off the edges as he fought for his breath. He never knew this type of hunger from you but hell - who was he to complain? 

“Y/N - Ah - Slow down, please.” Jimin’s voice was hoarse, the pace of breathing ruined. His eyes were glassy as they looked down at you, completely blown out. Your hunger was well taken but Jimin felt oversensitive. 

But the wicked gleam in your eyes that Jimin had learned to learn was not a good thing, made him gulp. His begs have the opposite effect on you and instead of giving him a break as you took him back into your mouth. You took him down as far as you could go, hitting the back of your throat as his groomed hair tickled your nose. 

“Ah - No, I -” He throbbed in your mouth. God, he was big and you could feel him pulsating. 

Jimin whimpered and threw his hand over his mouth, trying to muffle the next loud moan that threatened to escape him. He struggled to leave your wet warmth but your sharp nails had forced his hips back down onto the bed and worked him into overdrive. Throwing his head backwards onto the pillows, Jimin squeezed his eyes shut as pleasure coursed through him. He was already lying down but he felt his knees tremble and buckle, growing tense and lax at the same time in your hold. 

As he whimpers his pleas for a break as you push him into oversensitivity, you slip off his length and kiss at the hard planes of his abdomen. Its strong structure rippled under your lips as you watched Jimin fight for air.

“God, I’ll have you for breakfast every day.” You moaned, drawing patterns with your tongue over his lower abs, occasionally dipping lower. You were not too far behind your mate. Panting and gasping for air, you look up at him with love-drunk eyes. 

Jimin swallowed heavily of whatever saliva there was left in his system - which was essentially, close to none - and met your gaze. Your blown-out eyes and messy hair - everything about you, captured his attention. 

God, you looked so pretty with his cum staining the sides of your lips. 

Jimin grabs your face and pulls you up onto the bed, meeting your lips halfway with a kiss. He thought he couldn’t get any happier but oh, how wrong was he. As your tongues tangled, playing a game of push and pull, he feasted on his lingering taste on your lips. 

Carefully, he positioned you on the bed, ensuring that your arm would not be in a compromised position. And a few seconds later, the remaining of your clothes had found itself on the floor, in a pile, beside Jimin’s own set. As he kissed you passionately, his length breached your walls as he rocked his hips into you in a desperate rhythm. 

If it wasn’t that his lodgings were the farthest from the main palace, the servants and guards would have heard the both of you by now. But even so, Jimin’s kisses kept you silent for most of the time and you dared not complain. 

As the both of you lay in bed, hands playfully caressing each other, you bathed in the presence of peace. And beneath the stream of moonlight that shone into the room, Jimin curled a tendril of your frosty hair, murmuring, “Y/N, I cannot change the past but I can change the future. For us, for our future, I promise you that I will try.” He brought his lips to your head. “We will rewrite the history of our kind. Love, not hatred, that connects us once again.”

Tears filled your eyes as you snuggled deeper into his hold, “I truly hope to believe that, Jimin.”

“We will try. We will look forward, not back, and try.” For the night, Jimin brought his arms around you as if to protect you from any other sources. “What’s mine is yours, and so your burdens are no longer just yours to bear. We have each other now.”

But peace, was a distant dream - and love, came with a heavy price. The court had already long figured out the connection between you and Jimin. Outraged by the fact that their Prince would choose a bond that was forbidden - an abomination in the eyes of history. The council feared the alliance of fae and nymph, for they were the ones who urged the breaking in the first place. And now, three generations later, they see it as a threat to their power. 

[knuckleblasted]

Insane V2 ramblings let's go, this is an infodump I did and just tidied up so sorry if it's incoherent or sporadic!

So! As mentioned by the dev, the reason V2 was the only prototype of her line made was, of course, money! Mankind didn't see it as a worthy endeavor to invest in production because why on earth would you make 1 V2 when you can just make 50 drones instead??

Not that it ends up mattering in the end though, as for game stuff; I imagine her first battle with V1 is done out of necessity, territorial. This one comment I saw on Reddit sums it up;

They're competitors. They'd have to kill each other eventually and the more blood one takes is less blood for the other. They're not like humans who will just die eventually anyway, they can and will use all of it to survive longer.

During 1-4; she does have a bit of an ego ( Gabriel's still #1 in the pride department, though ), after all she's better! She's larger, more durable, she fires faster, her wings are actually functional. Kinda like how players may still sometimes die on past bosses despite having more upgrades now JXCHB she's risen to the top and done so much just on her own, why shouldn't she be able to take down a more fragile counterpart?

Even if she has nobody to protect, it doesn't stop her from showing that security unit "humanity" ( also in part due to the blood she consumes overtime slowly giving her sentience ) shown in things like like bowing before combat rather than immediately ripping and tearing like V1 would've done. The fact when she sits on the throne in 4-4 she props her head up. My portrayal also does things like put her hand on her hip, check her "nails", fold her arms, pistol twirls, idly flips coins or rolls them over her knuckles. She justifies these mannerism's existence because they "ultimately don't harm the integrity of the mission or effect the end result" as opposed to V1 not doing those things because "they don't aid in the integrity of the mission, they're of no importance"

Anywho; after the first loss she is furious, she wants revenge. She goes deeper into hell and continues on her own warpath ... but despite all her victories, she never stops feeling like something is missing. She feels incomplete. She has quite literally taken down entire sections of hell by herself but that's not enough, it'll never be enough. She wants back what she lost, and she wants the closure of destroying V1 to finalize that she is, indeed, better. Her creation meant something. She is worth the life she was given. She was not a waste of time, of resources, of money. 50 drones could not replace her, 100 drones could not replace her. While yes the second showdown is once more in part because of necessity, there's now a level of spite to it. Now it's personal.

She doesn't want to win solely for blood, she wants to win to prove that she can

And that bitterness is shown more in her fight with that cracking of her knuckles before it starts, the fact she gets 𝙴𝙽𝚁𝙰𝙶𝙴𝙳 immediately upon being hit with the knuckleblaster. it's salt in the wound. how dare you.

She may have rewatched her last match with V1 to an almost obsessive degree in an attempt to get any combat data so she can win this time ( and she certainly learned alot from it! ); but at the end of the day, she was not made for war. She was made during an era of peace, and even if she doesn't do it on purpose, it shows. Despite doing everything in her power to ensure victory; she has a level of restraint, dignity, which is great for being noble around the humans she would have protected but. well! she doesn't have to do that, there is nobody to talk to or protect. there is nobody left. mankind is dead. and her failed escape attempt made her ultimately join them.

[viric-dreams]

Right, yes, the morality post. For brevity's sake, I'm going to leave this for the more developed characters here, but with the exception of Graham, nobody should be easily answerable in a binary "yes/no" poll whether or not they're a good person.

Ockham is not particularly kind. Heshethey does not go out of hishertheir way to be cruel to anyone without direct provocation (petty is still on the table, mind you), but Ockham is primarily concerned with Ockham. Ockham is relatively steadfast with people heshethey favours, but at the end of the day, the selfish option will always win out. Ockham has low emotional empathy and tends to feel a degree of distance from others (a mixture of the surface sailor living a relatively unattached life and the parabolan elements comprehending existence on an entirely different plane of reality). Heshethey doesn't actively get involved in any broader causes or try to influence things on the macro scale for better or for worse, unless it somehow directly affects himherthem. Ockham has a relatively good degree of self-awareness about it: Ockham's not trying to be a good person or a bad one, heshethey're just trying to be.

Roberts initially started out willing to step on whomever he needed to (himself included) in order to secure comfort for himself. But despite that, if it won't impact him negatively, his instinct is still to be kind (how he's received is a different story). These are traits that carry over to Nite. Being dawnpilled, however, seemed to have turned his priorities onto a grander scale. It's no longer primarily about him, but about the New Sequence and their goals. He's working towards a greater good here, but is also more likely to do smaller acts of individual kindness, unrelated to the grand scale of things. On the other hand, he has absolutely committed several atrocities in the name of that greater good. He does recognise them for what they are and holds negative feelings over them, but is still able to write it off as something that had to be done for the net benefit. This is also a mindset that carries over to Nite, who believes that the steep cost of the LoN is a necessary one for the overall greater good. Both of them want to be a good person, and think they're doing it as best they can. Roberts does acknowledge that he's made many unpopular decisions, and is also at peace with playing the villain if that's what it takes to achieve the overall good. Let his subordinates hate him. Let him dirty his hands so that the Commodore doesn't have to. It's all worth it in the end.

Jones wants to believe that he's a good person. He thinks that he used to be, back when he could actually stand for something he believed in. Nowadays, he feels more like a husk. He's done awful things for the Great Game, and would do them again. But for as many things he's done that have caused harm, there are things he hasn't done, paralysis and indecision, also causing harm. Those are the ones that weigh on his conscience--when his fear, his inaction, have negative consequences. Maybe if it were for something that he actually believed in, it would be easier. But there's nothing left in him to keep that flame alive, were it ever rekindled. His favourite part of the job is administering the Rites of St Joshua. At least he can feel like he's done some good, unburdening someone of their troubles or secrets. He wants to be a good person. He hopes that he is.

[gayspock]

again ok sorry i need to fucking . whatever

ive been cycling though even worse panic attacks all day over fucking nothingbut then again i dont fucking know any more its meaningless its so fucking meaningless the way it blurs together and if it meant nothing before it means fucking nothing now and i keep fuckign thinking of everythingthat just keeps slipping away when it was all so so fucking far behind and theres somuch fucking mess to handle but i cant even fucking manage to meet ust this baseline to even try to fucking clean up after myselfand its so so fucking pointless its just so fucking pointless i just fucking sit there and cry and then cry on here and i cant fucking get my head on straight and i dont fucking want to fucking do it any more i cant keep fucking chasing fucking everything i fucking cant do it i keepfucking trying it never fucking means anyhting imfucking alone i dont wantto be ikeep trying to fucking make peace with it every few fucking monthsi manage to swallow the bitter fucking pill but i just cant handle anything im fucking delusional every time i think i can do it alone but no ones ever ufcking coming and i cant manage i cant fucking manage and it doesnt help nothing fucking helps nothing fucking does naything its just constant fucking backsliding its constant fucking horsehsit its worse and worse and fudcking so many fucking steps back for every painful fucking inch i dragmyself forward into fucking what into wfucking what exactly i dont know why i woudleven try i keep thinking what would be at the endof it if i did even manage to pullit together another fucking long stretch of loneliness and nothing and it wontmake the rest of t better ikeep thinking what if this was differentwhat if trhis could be and theres just a billion other fucking problems a billion other fucking things on top that im never going to fight off and it willstill not fucking matter icould keep going for howeve r much fucking longer i keep thinking about how it starts off bad and people jsut tell youit gets better! it gets better! you just havbe to try andit does nothing and nobody beieves you because youre just that fucking shit . yourenot alone youre not alone the million fucking platitudes that make you want to cave your own fucking skull in the fucking mocking horseshit i dont fuckingcare i really fucking dont care i feel like im notihng but a fucking demonstration at best some fucking thin when people donotice to make themselves try to feel fucking better about their existence i wish i felt fucking real i wish epopel took me seriously i wish i meant something more than jsut whatever i tdont know i cant i jsut dont understand why i cant exist in someones life. i dont get hwoits so fucking easy for eveyrone to just have something its always the given that someone isnt fucking horriblyfucking alone all of the fucking time every fucking waking hour fucking spent sobbing because they cant manae they cant cope and thats half the reason why and theyres no fucking handling it theres no way to make progress theresno fucking answers its brick wall its brick wall

its nothing its just getting worse its nothing and you cant even afeel that i feel like a joke i feel like im mocked im patronised i cant stomach being alive ii dont understand why theres never room for me or love for me nomatter what i am or where i am or why i cant jsut find anything i cant even fucking pullmyself together i cant fnd anyhting but just the resounding fucking call of just fucking end italready and just fucking whatever bro the Who Cares fucking gripping ont rying and begging and pleading please please fuck me please just one fucking thing please just make me feel like it wasnt so fucking pointless that it didnt hurt thisbadfor so so fucking long for nothing but you know the answer is itwwas true you were always fucking right every nasty, rancid little thought you'vehad was right that eveyrone fucking hated you exactly when you were scared of it and you were a failure and a loser in all the way syou knew and the titteirng fucking "oh dont say thats!" were just exercisesintrying to get you to shut. up. you cant be this persons fucking rpoblem youre just a fucking problem what good what do you do other than be a fucking problem i keep trying it means nothing i keeptrying to do the hard thing i break down i feel so fucking pathetic ifucking hate everyone i fucking hate seeing everyone else fucking happy and i cant ufcking help it any more i fucking feel myselfgetangry and its wrong and i feel disgusting but i dontknow what the fuck else there is i dont fucking know i wish i was dead i wish i had killed myselgf solong ago before it got to this point i wish i never fucking had hope ever that it couldbe okay i wish i fucking slapped someone I DONT KNOWWWWW

[zenkor123]

Journal of Peeta Mellark-Taming of the mutt

October 3rd 75 ADD

who is the mutt? Is it totally foreign to me? I engage I deep conversations and see that the mutt isn't hate but searing pain itbwants to kill katniss so the pain will go away. It is wild, Tracker jacker blue, has horns, and a multitude of wounds, like an undead, it is leaking Jacker venom from its finger nails. I try to reach it and it says it did everything it did to keep me safe and roars. I hug it and it merges into me. As it melts into me many memories emerge and I realize that the capital beat me to the ruins of Peeta, it gutted them leaving only fear, determination, it's a shell. I am desperate for any part of Peeta so I need it with me. After the shiny memories pass unshiny memories emerge that of talking back to my mother, memories of my mother emerge and a hatred and desire to kill her hidden in me feels old. I also beat the crap out of a bully in elementary school. He went to the hospital, could not go to school for 2 months. His name was Phineas something. It was when I was 12? I once almost killed Myrna when she was about to burn me with metal tongs. I am afraid of spiders. I burned myself on the stove and my mom told me I was an Idiot. I am afraid of enclosed spaces. It has a fea memories associated with fear, and pain. The hijacking targeted fear and so my fear, became the mutt. It is more aniimalistic The most painful memories were accesed It emerges that this side of me had been denied all my life and had been abused by the capital. It is my inner demon. It also shows determination to survive but feels a more abstract injury that my spirit was taken from me, this pain existed long before I was hijacked. It felt forced to conform to survive to wear many masks. I have had to beg for food, lie convincingly, Myrna even made me bash myself for food. I want people to like me, I have sacrificed too much for that end. I felt Katniss said something about being a peice in games and I sort of remember a very shiny and gutted memory. I decide to fulfill it rather then have it be manipulated by anyone else, what if I didn't play by the rules for once? But I must face the facts I choked Katniss and I alone. The modification was specific it was the face of my transformation but it was not the actor, the venom had clear physical effects on my body, the impact on my memory was not natural. However in my mind It appears not like it appeared before everything but with loads of Tracker jacker stings, and slightly purple from the venom, it was twisted and it too lost large amounts of memories turned into but a machine mutated by the capital. But I wasn't as nice a person as everyone says I was. Though I saw my nice side die, it was real but it wasn't all that was there. By making peace with my monster I now remember more of my mother then I do my father. I also felt guilt for this monsters presence when I was Peeta but fusing with the monster removes something off my chest even with my memories fragmented. When I was mutated it erased as much of even my monster but forgiving it made the material that the mutts was made out of betray the capital it no longer had any of Peeta to sustain it, but it is still a mutation it is just my mutation, a tormented feral mutation, I am a mutation and what features it has became my own. My nightmares are now more frequent they are no longer of “only losing her” but it is worth it. its the only side of Peeta willing to give itself to me . A weird effect is I got a paper cut and felt nothing. I am desensitized to pain. As Myrna Mellark the witch said, “Mellarks never give up." I clearly am stubborn, capable of taking great pain, I trust nobody, deep down I am a rebel. I am ashamed at my timid nature and having to debase myself for those with power over me. I can work with this.

Katniss has many thoughts on what she just read and ponders

Katniss thinks about how Peeta once viewed her as a source of safety and hope and feels self hatred for not being able to protect Peeta, she hears Morphling Peeta in her head say as he did to Haymitch “only I can protect me”. She tries to remember who Phineus is. Phineus Chance was the tribute for the 70th hunger games he was reaped right after he left the hospital. He was known to be the neighborhood bully and he was from the seam a descendent of rebels from the Dark days. He got 7th place in the games before being killed by the game makers fireball. Katniss remembered playing with Phineus as children. It was never revealed how he got those injuries but Katniss never imagined that it was Peeta that caused those injuries. Katniss also remembers what the doctors told her about the parts of Peeta’s amygdala swelling from the effects of Jacker venom after being suffocated. Katniss also remembers Peeta killing a spider in school when he was 13, she remembers Peeta freaking out about Spiders when Peeta rested with Katniss after she was injured by the fence. Katniss always hated the witch and thinks that Myrna is an appropriate name for her. With The description of Peeta’s demon as blue Katniss wonders if Peeta really did appear blue during his hijacking. After Peeta killed the tracker jacker nests in 13 he returned with a blueish tinge that lasted for 2 days. Katniss also recalls that after she killed Glimmer her warts sometimes appeared a light faint blue. Finally she rages at Delly, it was Delly who convinced Peeta that it was over, that he would never be Peeta, again, to give up, even if Katniss believed Peeta lost, that before Peeta made an effort not to scavenge his ruins for useful material but to rebuild as himself, had given her comfort at the time even if she didn’t realize it. Because of Delly leaving Peeta, Peeta began talking about himself in the 3rd person, told Gale that “the rescue came too late for Peeta.” Boggs that “Peeta got what he deserved.” Peeta had no self to build off of, only scavenge for useful materials. She would never forgive Delly for this, Katniss imagined what it would be like after her memories destroyed, thinking her past belonged to a person who died, with the present belonging to a shell left with the scraps.

[hylaversicolor]

thinking about tobirama today and how he is described in the databook as "self aware" so he must Know about his own biases but he just refuses to acknowledge that they're there lol.

the founders generation had a really rough transition from war to peace. the senju and uchiha clans have not known peace for thousands of years; war is their life. so they had a brief period where nobody knew what to do whatsoever and then war broke out again anyway, on a larger scale than had ever been seen before. so tobi never really got to slow down and look at the good of the village in individual terms, during real lasting peacetime.

therefore his rule was characterized by a kind of wartime harshness that you can see in the way he defends his decisions to put the village > everything else (including the uchiha clan). to tobi it's only logical that inhabitants of konoha cast aside their identity as members of clans, because that strong clan identity was the reason there WAS war for thousands of years before this. he argued in favor of the collective over the individual clan i think not out of a desire to subjugate the uchiha (but so be it if he did, he outright says), but because by putting the village above clans, survival rates will be higher and ideally war will not be as constant (but when it comes, oh boy it's bad, bc now you have nation v nation rather than clan v clan).

ofc in hindsight we can appreciate that these policies led to the extermination of the uchiha, which i DON'T think tobirama set out to do at all. he is very surprised when sasuke reveals that he's the last uchiha left. it's not just that the uchiha clan was exterminated, it's that they were exterminated to maintain the balance of power in an era where clans could no longer afford to exist because nations/villages have replaced them. assimilate or die, basically.

but i don't even think this is anyone's fault in particular (i mean it was specifically hiruzen's fault for not acting soon enough, and tobirama's fault - slightly less directly - by establishing the anbu/police force/other institutions of konoha). the shinobi world had just gotten completely out of hand and was too massive of an issue for any one person to try and fix, especially because of the economics of war that kishimoto just NEVER ADDRESSES.

also it's important to remember that the naruto world does not share our morals. naruto universe shinobi kill and die for a living and this is totally normal. it's their job but it's also their lifestyle, their identity. even hashirama, the one person whose morals come closest to resembling those of our world, can't completely detach himself from this concept. he NEVER tried to get rid of shinobi as a whole, he just didn't want kids fighting in wars. and he's the most radical person in the naruto universe!! he still 100% wanted kids to grow up to become shinobi eventually because that's just what you do!!

basically everything that happened in naruto canon is just What Happens when shinobi whose collective identity is tied to killing and being killed try to define and structure society.

and ultimately it was madara who looked at the shinobi of the world and said fuck the whole thing, this cannot be fixed. but he too is a shinobi, The Ultimate Shinobi if you will (in that fighting is paramount to who he is as a human being). but he also seeks to rid the world of shinobi. the more he fights the more he loses his humanity, but also the more he fights the more he knows who he is and is able to show the world who he is. he’s the PERFECT final villain for a series about identity and violence, and what it means to be a shinobi and to be a good person, and if those two things are reconcilable at all. madara’s infinite tsukuyomi maybe wasn’t ultimately about izuna (though izuna was the initial catalyst for it), it was about humanity. madara realized that he cannot be a protector and a shinobi at the same time. he wants to be a protector but fighting is the only thing he’s good at, so his only option was to take over the world.

ANYWAY i started this meta with tobirama's biases and got completely off track but i think it's funny how tobi plays favorites with his students (and again doesn't acknowledge that he's doing this) but it just occurred to me: what if hiruzen is his favorite student bc he reminds him of kawarama. i'm going to explode and die