#NOT trying to start something but as am aroace person I feel like it's an injustice to minimise bisexual rep

[shayberri789]

Is... is it a hot take to remind people that, on top of being demisexual (ans probably demi or fully aromantic tbh...), neil is most likely bisexual, not gay?

Or are we all collectively forgetting that it was girls Mary beat him for looking at....

[moinsbienquekaworu]

The struggle between being happy that all kinds of aspecs are talking about aspec experiences more and barely being able to stand the way people talk about aspec experiences

[fanby-fckry]

You know what, I’m just gonna say it. I think that Alastor being aroace is part of the reason he’s so shippable to me.

Before you come at me, check the flag in my pfp; I’m aroace-spec.

Maybe it’s me projecting, maybe it’s because I love exploring relationships through an aroace lens, but goddamn. I ship him more than any other character and every time I do, his aroaceness is a major component in the ship.

Examples below the cut because it’s gonna get long:

📻🍎 || RadioApple:

There are so many versions of this dynamic and I am here for all of them.

We have the pre-canon kinky QPR that I show in UH3. I could talk about that all day, but to summarize:

Aroace x genuinely respectful allo is a dynamic that heals my soul.

Lucifer is less tied down by human constructs like amatonormativity, having never been human himself.

The Devil values consent.

Kinky cannibalism, kinky cannibalism, kinky cannibalism, kinky ca- *I am removed from the stage with a comically large hook*

Then we have the Evil and fucked up QPR dynamic:

And of course, trying to get along for Charlie’s sake and eventually bonding over their shared love of dad jokes and musical theatre, both being violinists (yup, Alastor plays violin too, check the wiki) with niche hobbies/interests (ducks, furby organ) and accidentally winding up in a loving, healthy QPR.

📻🕸️ || RadioDust:

There’s something about an aroace and a sex worker who very rarely falls in love.

Angel would know that Alastor isn’t with him for sex, would know that he values Angel beyond his body.

With greyro Alastor, Angel and Alastor would both be inexperienced with romance, but in wildly different ways. Angel has never had a healthy romantic relationship and therefor tries not to fall in love. Greyro Alastor has probably experienced romantic attraction like less than three times in his 100+ years of existence.

And if Alastor never gains romantic attraction for Angel, that’s a whole other level to the dynamic.

It’s got some great angst potential with Angel wondering if he’s not good enough to love romantically or Alastor feeling guilty or confused as to Why It Hasn’t Happened Yet when he cares for Angel so deeply, and eventually it gets resolved with the two of them accepting that their attractions don’t have to match up for them to love/appreciate/care for each other and they smash the amatonormative relationship hierarchy as queer platonic partners.

Or, Angel’s just totally cool with it from the start because he’s spent decades in the kink scene and has potentially been exposed to more relationship anarchy than Alastor.

Kink and queerness have a great deal of historical and cultural overlap, and that includes aroace queerness. Because Angel’s had way more canon exposure to both, it’s possible he knows more about Alastor’s orientation than Alastor does, and I love the idea of Angel introducing him to terms or just being super chill about not labeling things.

📻♥️ || RadioHusk:

Drawing like 90% from pilot dynamic and headcanon on this. They’re just two old men. They get drunk and cuddle. Alastor is one of the few people who knows Husk can purr and takes advantage of this fact. Alastor considers Husk a friend in a fucked up, possessive way. Husk considers Alastor a pain in the ass, but does care about him on some level.

It’s Fucked Up and Evil QPR: Remix Edition.

And the versions where the author puts them through fanfic couple’s therapy and actually gets them into a healthy point in their relationship? One where Alastor no longer owns Husk’s Soul? *chef’s kiss*

📻🌹 || RadioRose:

For me, personally, this is an exclusively nonsexual, non-romantic ship. They’re besties; they’re QPPs. They’re married for the tax benefits and so that they cannot be forced to testify against each other in court.

Rosie knew Alastor was aroace before he did and rather than sit down and explain it to him, she decided to make ace puns.

📻🖤 || RadioSiren: [edit, context here] RadioFemme

Ok, so this is entirely based on non-canon-compliant Lilith. Or, I guess, non-series-compliant Lilith. More of the old WOG stuff from the pilot era, with a healthy dose of headcanon for flavor.

I love the idea of Lilith and Lucifer having an open marriage; I love the UH3 style polycule dynamic.

Lilith being the original seductress and Alastor being aesthetically but not sexually or romantically attracted to her is very near and dear to my heart.

I’m an aroace with a voice kink who is aesthetically attracted to Lilith and I think Alastor is an aroace with a voice kink who would be aesthetically attracted to Lilith, ok?

📻📺 || RadioStatic:

I’m gonna be real with you, 90% of my interest in RadioStatic is in the one-sided version where Vox is a pathetic little incel simp and Alastor is either oblivious, mildly annoyed, or finds the whole thing hilarious.

Whenever there’s any reciprocation on Alastor’s part, I always imagine it being in a very aroace, very Alastor-esque way. He needs to be get something out of it completely unrelated to sex/romance. And he needs to be manipulative and sadistic in the process.

Whether that something is kink-related, a business transaction, or simply the quality entertainment provided by Vox being a cringefail TV-headed little bitch, I love to see it.

[chaoticace2005]

Thinking about one sided Vox/Alastor has also made me think about Huskerdust, and it’s kind of interesting the way they mirror each other.

Both Vox and Angel (both people who have some kind of relationship with Valentino) push the boundaries of the guy they’re interested in. Both guys turn them down. Both times they react poorly to being turned down. The difference is how the stories begin and ended.

Husk was forced after Angel, jumped in to protect him and made the first step. He started a dialogue that Angel reciprocated in, not because Angel thought Husk would finally return his feelings, but because he was happy to finally have someone who understands him. Their relationship is then created where they care about each other. Whether or not romantic feelings are reciprocated isn’t the point, they formed genuine connection.

Then we have Alastor and Vox, where they were friends BEFORE the confession happened. Alastor must have been willing to be vulnerable to some degree to form attachments with the man, and for a while it was reciprocated, until Vox confessed and pushed. This caused Alastor to leave and then we see the fall out later with Alastor and Vox’s battles.

Huskerdust and radiostatic have the same pieces of the story, just told in very different orders:

Huskerdust: Push boundaries- needle each other- fight- one reaches out- they bond- friendship

Radiostatic: One reaches out- they bond- friendship- push boundaries- fight- needle each other

The difference between the two is not just the order but also the fact with Huskerdust they recognize they needed to stop. Husk was in no way obligated to take the first step because Angel kept pushing him, but he did, because he recognized something in him. Then with Angel’s treatment of Husk later Angel recognized he needed to stop. What Angel was doing was a persona and self-defense mechanism, yes, but that explains why he did it, not excusing it. And to change he must be able to recognize that.

With Vox though, he doesn’t recognize it. We don’t know exactly where Vox’s feelings from Alastor stem, they may not be a persona like Angel’s but they’re certainly unhealthy, and he refuses to recognize it. Focusing only on his own comfort and hurt, which Angel similarly did until he was pulled out of the loop.

I want to again reiterate the reciprocity of these feelings isn’t my point of discussion. Radiostatic isn’t “more toxic” than Huskerdust because Alastor is aroace and doesn’t reciprocate Vox’s feelings, while Husk potentially grows to have feelings for Angel. Alastor isn’t in the wrong solely because he denied Vox. That’s not the point. The point is their similar reactions to rejection and how their relationships changed from it.

In Huskerdust we have the creation of trust and forming of a bond.

In radiostatic we have the loss of trust and fracture of one.

(Literally just exponential growth vs decay)

(Also im just comparing the relationships. I am in no way saying Angel and Vox are the same person or Husk and Alastor are. Everyone has their own separate fucked up shit going on and different degrees of fucked uppedness. Husk and Angel don’t seem near as sadistic as Vox and Alastor are, I’m not equating them to “villains” in that sense. The whole point of this is the fact that their relationships have such different end results BECAUSE Husk and Angel are able to recognize their faults to a degree and WANT to change. With the other two we don’t really have that.

Angel could have continued down the whole “incel” route and told Husk to fuck off every time he tried reaching out. Too snubbed by the fact that he rejected him. Husk could have decided to leave Angel out to try and not help him at the bar. Hell, he could have watched the whole thing happen and fucking enjoyed it. But he didn’t.)

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

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1. Hey! I am looking for a fic that's about WWX and LWJ being happily married, happily adopting children, and I think JC wants to reconcile? The children all have "Si" as the first character of their name, because Lan Elders questioned them being LSZ's siblings? Or something? I think LSZ arranged the children to "suddenly" appear in front of his parents too and they are oblivious but JC finds out and is surprised how sly LSZ is? They have a house in the outskirts of Cloud Recesses I think. Thank you so much!

FOUND? ❤️ Attempting the Impossible by Ariaste (T, 36k, WangXian, JC & WWX,  Post-Canon, Yunmeng Bros Reconciliation, Adoption, Family Fluff, Kid fic, Family drama, Fluff)

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2. turning to you for this person's hour of need

i swear ive read this fic before also but i cant remember,,,, theres more info in the comments as well about how it Might be librarian/(equally scholar) lwj & they might be post grad. also he might be quoting mary oliver (but they speculate it theyre mixing fics) @revellingfate

FOUND! Lans Never Kiss and Tell by FeelsForBreakfast (E, 30k, wangxian, Modern, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Humor, LWJ FUCKS, wwx and lwj are both like ‘I could never be the one for him :(’, and all their friends are like ‘you freaks deserve each other’, Mutual Pining, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, modern diaspora au) they said they found it in the twitter thread 😊

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3. hi! looking for a fic i read at some point that had a scene (i think towards the end?) where someone lets slip something about LSZ's identity in front of JC (maybe WWX is being affectionate? or Sizhui says something to him or LWJ?) and for a second they all freeze because what if JC hates him for having been born a Wen, but instead JC's reaction is something along the lines of "oh thank god it IS you" + checking that that's what they meant and he really *was* Wen Yuan bc JC had looked during and after the siege but couldn't find a trace of him and had hoped all these years that LWJ's mystery kid was secretly Wen Yuan but never dared ask in case he wasn't, and so finding out it really was him all along is a huge relief.

thank you!! @aroace-lukeskywalker

NOT FOUND! 江山如有待 | It Seems the Hills and Rivers Have Been Waiting by ScarlettStorm (E, 295k, OFC/JC, Slow Burn, Post-Canon, (mostly), Transfem Character, WQ Lives, Fighting as Flirting, Fighting as Foreplay, qs also lives, demisexual JC, sex disaster jc, Femdom, switch rights, Eventual Smut)

FOUND! Build Your Home (on a landslide) by John_lzhc (T, 55k, LSZ & WWX, JC & WWX, WangXian, LSZ & LJY, Post-Canon, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Families of Choice, PTSD, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, best boy LSZ, Hopeful Ending, canon typical references to genocide, JC & WWX reconciliation, Family Dynamics, Fluff and Angst, Trans Male Character, Trans WWX, Alcohol, Implied/Referenced Alcohol, Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied Pregnancy, Implied Miscarrage, Happier Than It Sounds, WWX is the best teacher, WangXian forshadowed, Gratuitous use of the word "fuck", Found Family, Romance, Getting Together, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Dissociation, Mental Breakdown, Teaching, LWJ being horny on main, Menstruation, grief and mourning, Marriage Negotiations, moderate shenanigans, asexual LJY, LJY third generation gremlin, soft italicised 'oh' moment) There's an encounter like this with JC near the end of the 3rd part.

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4. hello. i was trying to find this fic but now am unable to but it's modern au where wwx tells lwj that if they aren't married by 30, they will marey each other but just as they start hitting 30 wwx starts dating someone (i don't remember if it's mianmian or someone else).

FOUND? By 30 by x_los (T, wangxian, Modern, Accidental Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Didn't Know They Were Dating, Mutual Pining, Fuck Trees)

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5. Ugh I'm sorry but I have a really vague one >.< I remember that Wwx is staying with Lwj post (cql?) canon and they are kind of together but haven't slept together yet. It goes on for a while and one thing I remember is that when they do finally do it it's a hot night and a summer storm is happening. Thanks! @yilingweiclan

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6. hii!! i need help finding this fic where wei ying finds or adopts (?) a bunny and then throughout the story he names the bunny/bunnies (?) pun names related to pop culture. it was a modern au and at this point of the story wangxian is already in a relationship(?)

thats all i remember from this fic. thank u in advance for ur hardwork <3

FOUND! Postcards from the Horizon by The Feels Whale (miscellea) (T, 7k, wangxian, JYL/JZX, JC/WQ, WIP, Epilogues, yunmeng bros reconciliation, rabbit acquisition)

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7. hello, pls i am rooting for this

Can anyone find a fic abt HuaLian being WWX parents, and it is Canon divergence? I feel like I ever read it, but in the same time i dont know 😭😭😭

FOUND? 🔒 a warm coal in the hearth of our hearts by eccentrick (T, 46k, XL & WWX, HC & WWX, SQX & WWX, hualian, Found Family, fluff with plot, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Disabled Character, Ableism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, WWX Isn't Adopted by the Jiāngs, slow burn found family, Gender Stuff brought to you by SQX, HuaLian Adopt WWX, Married HuaLian, Post-Canon TGCF, Kid Fic, TGCF Spoilers) I'm sure there are so many, but this is the one I thought of first. Wwx living on the streets and finding shelter in an abandoned temple. Will make you feel a lot of big feelings.

FOUND? Hua Xianle by Tiffany_Guinne (Not rated, 249k, hualian, wangxian, TGCF, Not Jiāng Family Friendly, Madam Lan Lives, Not JFM & YZY Friendly, Bad Parent JFM, Bad Parent YZY, overprotective hualian as parents, WWX is good at feelings, WWX knows self preservation, and self love, WWX NHS and JZX are friends, Not JC Friendly, No Golden Core Transfer, Canon Divergence, Ghosts and Gods are wrapped around WWX's fingers, LWi is a Panicked Gay, WWX is kinda sickly, WWX is not named Wuxian, HuaLian Adopt WWX, WWX has selective mutism, PM is the uncle that teaches you how to flirt, Grandfather JW, MNQ is the grandmother then?, SQX is the aunt/uncle that spoils WWX, all of them spoils him actually, They have a competition on who will be the fave uncle or aunt, and this is a story about how A-Ying disses HC on a daily basis just to make fun of him, he loves his adie though, no HC is harmed in the creation of this story, i can't say the same for the Jiang though, Creepy JFM, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, HUA YING DOES NOT GET RAPED!, Can't say the same for some unwanted...people, Don't like, Don't read, This starts of mild and fluffy though, WIP)

FOUND? let this soul be your whisper by merthurlin (T, 28k, hualian, wangxian, post TGCF canon, post first siege of burial mounds, canonical character death, canon divergence, found family) has Xie Lian take in Wei Wuxian for three years before his 3rd ascension.'has Xie Lian take in Wei Wuxian for three years before his 3rd ascension.

FOUND? Narrative of Strength by erosophic (T, 67k, hualian, wangxian, WWX & XL, WWX & HC, FX & MQ & XL, JC & WWX, FengQing, Canon Divergence, HuaLian Adopt WWX, Found Family, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, XL takes WWX as a disciple, Protective XL, Protective HC, Adoption, Kidnapping, Attempted Kidnapping, QR being QR, Serious Injuries, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence)

If all else fails, searching the Hualian adopt wwx tag on ap3 might get you something

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8. Hi! I am looking for a fic where everyone except Wei Ying is a shifter. However, during the attack on Lotus Pier, Wei Ying shifts into a Phoenix/Feng Huang, a clan that was destroyed years ago. He has powers to heal others and so Jiang Fengmian orders everyone in Lotus Pier to keep it a secret. He was also pregnant and gave birth to A-Yuan. Any leads will be much appreciated! Thank you in advance😊 @lilaccamellia

FOUND? Changes by Duochanfan (Not Rated, 80k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Drama, Mpreg, Shapeshifters AU, Sunshot Campaign, Baby LSZ, Angst with a Happy Ending, JGS is a warning unto himself, Past Miscarriage, Good YZY, injuries, Death of people, Not anyone we like)

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9. For the next FF, I'm looking for 2 fics: (A) burial mounds arc, yiling Wei sect fic where they advertised cultivators could come perform the burial rites of their sects to lay to rest their dead from the resentful masses in the burial mounds. I think this made them a legit sect. (B) I'm not sure why but LWJ married WY, possibly to protect him? WY was severely injured by zidian and he was bedridden while LWJ was sent to the indoctrination. The one scene I recall is WY made a talisman that exploded a Wen attacker's head.

9A)

I've read 9A! Can't find it now, but perhaps additional info will help: there's a rouge cultivator hanging around the burial mounds, who turns out to be Madame Lan, and I think Lan Qiren recognizes her while on a visit to lay to rest Lan ghosts? Later he brings over LWJ and LXC for a reunion.

FOUND? Claiming Life from Death by MarbleGlove (E, 24k, WWX & WQ, wangxian, Golden Core cultivation and theory, Canon Divergence, the wen remnants survive, the burial mounds settlement survives, Pining WWX, Rumors, lying is forbidden but what is truth, Past Rape/Non-con, LQR is trying his best, Porn With Plot, Light Bondage, missing core reveal, YLLZ WWX)

9B)

FOUND! 🧡 To have and to hold by Moominmammashandbag (M, 78k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Major character injury, CQL verse, Happy Ending) the head exploding is in ch 13

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10. hellooo! i just opened my x app (twitter) and found a short art/comic story where child!wangji suddenly became a bunny and then found that he's at the back of the jingshi (there are other bunnies) then child!wuxian came and saw bunji. i think thats the part 1/5(?). when im about to read the thread, its all gone. im been scrolling thru my feed but i cant find it. can u guys help me find it? thank you so much in advance!

FOUND! twitter thread i think is this!

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11. Hey,

Can you help me find a fic. I don't really remember much except that the yiling city (or burial mounds ) was like well- developed and a flourishing place. Hope you can find the fic @mayavsworld

FOUND? 💖🔒 love, in fire and blood by cicer (E, 360k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, YLLZ WWX, Arranged Marriage, political scheming, Gratuitous Domesticity, Mutual Pining, EXTREME SLOWBURN, the inherent eroticism of the forehead ribbon, The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known, neither wwx nor lwj want to be Perceived, but sorry kids! it’s gonna happen!, rated E but the the NSFW stuff doesn’t begin until chapter 19!, bottom LWJ in chapter 20 and 27) Has a well developed community in the burial mounds?

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12. Hi! Wishing the mods to have a wonderful day

I need help finding a fic, could you help pls?

It was a Wangxian one shot that took place in modern settings, specifically it was about wangxian having (adopting?) a baby during quarantine and not telling their family & friends until they are invited to a party/reunion and they just… bring the baby, surprise!

I WAS 90% sure it was called “Quarantine baby” but I can’t for the light of me find it. At this point I just want to know if it was deleted or I’m misremembering something. Anyway thanks for all your work! @neko-in-gotham

FOUND! What is on my kitchen table? by tigerlilly3224 (G, 3k, wangxian, LXC/NMJ, Modern, A/B/O, Family Fluff, Family Feels, Cute, Alpha LWJ, Omega WWX, Alpha JC, Alpha LXC, Alpha NMJ, Alpha LQR, Post Mpreg, Pandemics, Family Bonding, Siblings JC & WWX, Protective LWJ, Parents WangXian, Soft WangXian, Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Humor, LJY Being LJY)

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13. I've read this fanfic around 2021 and I forgot the title. I barely remember the details about it but I know it's good and I want to read it again, and it was an incomplete work way back so I'm wondering if it's completed already. It's about LWJ and WWX (participating?) in this kind of survival in the (purgatory?) and like they faced challenges under that and striving to survive until the very end to find their way out... really forgot the complete details but I swear it was good

NOT FOUND and from our own/live to ourselves by betweentheheavesofstorm (M, 105k, wangxian, Modern, Fantasy, Reality TV, Arctic Survival, Blood Magic, Blood and Gore, Getting Together, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Bloodletting, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Animal Death, Hunting, Mild Sexual Content)

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14. Hi, I hope all is well with you.

I'm looking for 2 fanfics.

A - is wangxian, where lwj convinces wwx to return with him to gusu and remove his resentful energy and in return he will give a piece of land near the Cloud Recesses to the Wen Remnantslive in. but what lwj doesn't know is that resentful energy is the only thing keeping wwx alive. when trying to remove it he almost kills wwx and if wen qin hadn't been there it was very likely that he would have really died. Upon accepting LWJ's proposal, WWX knew he was going to die and asked LWJ to be the one to remove the resentful energy. has a happy ending.

B - lwj is a courtesan in a brothel near the tombs and wwx goes there for lwj's music to calm the resentful energy within him. when lwj calms the energy wwx returns to seem human. it's a fic where the monsters from the tombs come out to fight the wens and wwx is the patriarch of these monsters from what I remember.

thanks. @lilianeheart

14A)

FOUND? decay by antebunny  (G, 16k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, Angst, Misunderstandings, Miscommunication, big sister WQ just wants her stupid little brother WWX to take care of himself, warnings for WWX's typical level of self-care, Fix-It, Angst with a Happy Ending, the fluffiest ending, Hurt/Comfort, Podfic Available)

14B)

FOUND? start by pulling him out of the fire by tidemakers (T, 15k, wangxian, Creatures & Monsters, Canon-Typical Violence, Body Horror, Mild Gore, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV LWJ, YLLZ WWX, Identity Porn, Identity Reveal, Hurt WWX)

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15. What I remember is toward the end of a time travel story after defeating wen ruohan, wei wuxian is confronted by mend yap who was sent back by accident. Thing was that wei wuxian wasn’t actually one of the people sent back he was just told about it and he has to sit and stall while meng yao tries to turn him against I think lan xichen. I think it ends up with wei wuxian getting injured and knocked out after meng yao is stopped (still in wrh’s throne room)

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16. Hello There! Hope you are doing good!! I read this fic a long ago Idk where i found it. In which WWX unintentionally adopts a dog and as we know WWX and His naming skills. he accidently named the puppy "Hey". There was some scenes with JL too about how to train the dog. It was post canon I think. please help me find this fic. thank you!!! @vbhardwaj-reads

FOUND? Imprints by Lisa_Telramor (G, 47k, wangxian, accidental puppy adoption, Humor, Panic Attacks, phobia recovery, Post-Canon, JC & WWX Reconciliation, Poor Life Choices, because WWX has trouble putting his mental health first, Self-Acceptance, don't face your phobias the wei WWX does it, that would probably make the trauma worse, jumping through mental hoops to combat phobias, Developing Relationship, fluff with a side of anxiety lol, WWX adopts a puppy, Dogs)

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17. Hello!

I am desperatly looking for a fic about Jiang Cheng and Nie Huisang. I literally cannot find it anywhere. It was post canon mostly, they were hooking up or sth and Huisang was dealing with resentful energy in his region and being chief cultivator. at some point Jiang Cheng broke it off, they only saw each other in passing on conferences and then huisang had qi deviation. wangxian was there trying to stop it but ultimately jiang cheng sort of brought him back. if you know this fanfic or anyone who i can ask i'll owe you my life @pandemonium39

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18. Lost fic!! (Also tw for mention of SA)

It was a modern au, wei ying ran away as a teenager and lz bumps into him at a market, WY is with the wens and also has a close relationship with xue yang (they are kinda ex's) and then it turns out the JFM had attempted to assault WY as a teem and madame yu blamed WY, and JC and JYL and LZ are all in a group chat where they talk about WY and how much they miss him

FOUND? clean from the war (your heart fits like a key) by sysrae (E, 28k, WangXian, Modern AU, Reunions, past xy/wwx, xy is fucked up but not evil, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, past wwx/jfm, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Abuse, Rape Recovery, transphobic violence, Victim Blaming, Past wei Wuxian/others, allusions to past self-harm)

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19. Hiiiiiii!! I was looking for fic where I think Madam Yu kills Wei Ying and then Lan Wangji finds his soul? And I think somehow the Lan convinces Wei Ying to confess about what Madam Yu did to the Jiang siblings. And Wei Ying was sure that it won't go well but confessed anyway and Jiang Cheng didn't believe him. That's all I can remember.

And Thank you so much for all your work!! @yilinglaobunny

FOUND? I'd give anything to hear you say it one more time by Unicornelia96 (T, 54k, wangxian, Major Character Death, Angst with a Happy Ending, No Sunshot Campaign, Angst, Reincarnation, Character Death, Sad LWJ, LWJ Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, POV LWJ, POV Multiple, but mostly LWJ)

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20. Hello! I wanted to ask about this one fic where I think the entire Lan clan traveled back in time or at least had an idea of future events and so, during the Cloud Recesses Arc, they were super kind to Wei Wuxian cause they knew that Lan Wangji was going to be marrying him at some point. Lan Wangji was horknee gripping all the way when Wei Ying and him sparred and Lan Qiren was exasperated while Jiang Cheng was confused throughout the whole ordeal.

FOUND? 🔒💖 Flawed and Free by Vrishchika (E, 18k, wangxian, major character death, time travel fix-it, dark gusu lan, dark LWJ, dark LXC, not JC friendly, temporary character death, angst, hurt/comfort, WIP)

FOUND? Cluster of Clouds by Nika_Raven_Celeste (T, 20k, wangxian, LQR & WWX, JC & WWX, time travel, post-canon lans time travel, cloud recesses study era, confused WWX, soft LQR, soft LWJ, not JC friendly, not YZY friendly, genius WWX, horny LWJ, oblivious WWX, WIP)

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[the-modern-typewriter]

Hello! I've been reading through your blog for the past few days and everything you write is so amazing. I was wondering if maybe you would consider writing something about an aro high schooler who gets asked out by this person they've convinced themselves that they like, but when they're actually asked about it, it just feels wrong? (Bonus points if they think kissing is gross because imo it is) - sincerely, an aroace teen writer who is very inspired by you

"River kissed you!?" Their best friend shrieked, with all of the excitement that the protagonist had expected to feel.

They managed a weak smile. Their stomach squirmed.

It was supposed to be great, wasn't it? A first kiss. People wrote novels about them. It was the epic climax of the episode. It was fireworks and a fluttering stomach, it was the whole world narrowing down to a single moment, it was heart pounding love.

It was gross.

"...was it bad?" their friend asked, catching their expression. Their face fell. A smashed plate of disappointment.

The protagonist swallowed. "It was...wet."

"I mean, it takes a bit of practice to get good at it. Even with the right person. Did they stick their tongue down your throat?"

"No. I don't think so? I mean - it was fine." It would be fine. It would definitely be fine. Maybe their first kiss hadn't exactly been what they were hoping for, but it would get better. Wouldn't it? Their throat suddenly felt horribly tight. They pressed their lips together to keep their voice from wobbling and took a breath. "You're probably right. I mean, I don't know if they've ever kissed anyone before either. Maybe I was really bad at it."

"No!"

"It's okay." At least, if they were bad at kissing, that was something they could improve upon. At least it wouldn't always feel so...

It wasn't like it was all some elaborate ruse the whole population was in on, anyway. That would be ridiculous!

It had been a nice night otherwise. The movie had been good, and their hands had touched over the popcorn, and they'd got into a great discussion about the plot after.

It would get better.

...it did not get better, though.

They started to find excuses not to kiss River; "Let's take it slow."

A kiss on the head or the cheek wasn't so bad, or like a one second peck on the mouth. It was all the other kisses.

When it didn't feel wrong, they felt nothing. They counted the awkward seconds for it to be over, then vowed to do much better next time when they caught a glimpse of the confused sort of hurt in River's eyes.

"I know you're shy," River said, one day, in a trying-to-be-casual voice. "But you like...never kiss me. It's always me kissing you. Did I..." Their voice dropped, agonised, "am I really bad at it or something?"

"No, no!"

"Oh, good."

"I just - I don't now." Their stomach squeezed. "I'm not sure I really like kissing," they confessed. "It's - I don't know." It felt rude to say ew.

"Oh," River said, in a tone of less good, but trying to be chill and non-judgy. "Okay."

"Sorry."

"It's okay." River took their hand, squeezed. "Kissing isn't everything, I guess. There are other things."

For a second, just a second, they were sure they'd never loved anyone more.

They liked River. Didn't they? They certainly thought they had. They had those cheekbones, and those pretty eyes, and they were always nice to everyone. They made the protagonist laugh, at least when there wasn't kissing involved.

It should have all been perfect.

They'd always wanted to fall in love.

In the end, they broke up after about three months.

The protagonist didn't ask what they'd done wrong, because it felt obvious, even if River wasn't cruel enough to say it. Maybe they should have ended it themselves, instead of forcing River to do it. Probably.

But what could they possibly say? It's not you, it's me. Nobody would believe that even if it was true. Oh, I know I said yes to dating you, but I'm just not that into you. That felt far too mean. It wasn't like River had done anything bad.

Their best friend held them while they cried, wracking things that choked up in their chest.

"What if I die alone?"

"Don't be stupid." Their best friend hugged them hard. "Of course you're not going to lie alone. River wasn't that great anyway! There's clearly something wrong with you if they don't want you."

The protagonist didn't quite dare say that wasn't exactly how it happened.

They kissed a few other people over the years, normally around the time when everyone else did. New Year, at the strike of twelve. If there wasn't any fireworks in the kiss, at least they were popping and fizzing outside and a new year was a new slate. They tried once after a few too many cocktails, with a friend, because maybe it would feel a little better when they were tipsy. With someone who definitely knew what they were doing.

It wasn't, though.

"You'll find the right person," their best friend said. "It's different when it's the right person, you know? Like me and Willow. I didn't think, but then..." They were happily in love; exuberant on it, nonstop on it.

The protagonist didn't want to resent it. They didn't want to be that person, spitting bitter like the villain in a fairytale.

"Romance novels are very exaggerated," their best friend said. "It's not always butterflies. It doesn't have to be butterflies to be real, you know? It's just someone you really want to spend time with."

But, the more the protagonist thought about it, the more they weren't sure that was quite true. There were plenty of people that they liked being around. It still didn't make them want to kiss them.

They weren't even sure they wanted to fall in love anymore. It wasn't like they spent most of their life miserable or anything. It was just...sometimes, when everyone else in the room had someone, or their parents asked them yet again if there was anyone they'd been seeing. Even in the height of drama, it all seemed so much easier for them.

They were twenty when they first came across the words.

Aromantic Asexual.

It was the second time they'd cried over the whole kissing thing.

That time it was relief.

"Oh my god," they left their best friend a message, vindicated. "It is an elaborate ruse!!! I'm going to bite something!!"

It got better, after that.

[angstbabyjae]

When it comes to the murderbot diaries I really like the idea that Murderbot’s sexuality and gender isn’t just a Bot thing, it just assumes it is.

I think bots without sexual organs would be some flavor of aspec by nature, as they aren’t programmed to feel sexual attraction but I don’t think it’s impossible for them, especially when it comes to romantic attraction and gender.

I want to write a fic where Murderbot learns that being agender and sex-repulsed aroace isn’t a universal bot experience (and that it’s possible for humans too).

I’ve been developing personal headcanons for Murderbot, Three, and Perihelion/ART as I tend to do when hyperfixation take hold. I am nearly finished reading the series and haven’t reread it yet so there’s a possibility my growing headcanons have already been contradicted, but nonetheless, here they are.

Content warning for discussion of sex.

Content warning for LONG ASS POST.

I haven’t read System Collapse yet as I am writing this, it is next on my list, but I’ve been spoiled that ART was raised alongside Iris with development comparable to a human’s. I don’t think it would have the same level of sex repulsion that Murderbot has.

Not to say you can’t grow up with sex being normalized and still be sex repulsed, obviously, but I think its feelings towards it would still be different. I think it has a lot more of an understanding of why human’s like it/care about it (outside of biological reasoning) more than Murderbot does.

I still think it’s a flavor of ace, as it doesn’t have sexual organs to stimulate and has very likely never had someone to try sex on before. I think it might be less likely the fast forward through sex scenes than Murderbot is, but would do it without question when watching something alongside it. I think it would find sex interesting and wonder what it would be like to be able to experience it.

Murderbot would definitely be flabbergasted if it ever found that out. I feel like Murderbot would be very surprised and probably instinctively grossed out at the idea that not all bots share its feelings towards sex and gender. A part of that reaction would probably be because it would have to stop delegating its orientation and gender as bot related and start thinking about it as unique to its identity as a person.

I’ve read fics where Murderbot and ART use entering each other’s systems as a form of non-sexual-but-sex-representative intimacy between them and I remember thinking “wow I can totally see ART being aware of the parallels to sex and being okay with that while Murderbot would be horrified if the idea ever crossed its mind and very defensive if anyone compared it”.

I see Murderbot & Mensah and Murderbot & ART as QPRs for sure. I don’t see Murderbot being as repulsed by romance as a concept as it is by sex, when it comes to it happening to other people as it seems like a lot of its serials have romantic subplots and it doesn’t really react when it sees people in romantic relationships. I think it’s made it clear it doesn’t want one for itself, but I think queerplatonic (or just generally unlabeled) relationships are something it wants (and always finds itself in LOL) even if it won’t admit it.

We all know it makes a big deal of being touch repulsed, but I think there’s ample evidence from how it acts with Mensah that it can get used to and even enjoy touch from specific people to certain extents. If it had stayed on Preservation Station and continued its proximity to Mensah, there would eventually be more physical affection between the two.

With ART, the idea of non-sexual intimacy through their systems/feed/presences?? (I don’t really know what to call it), especially casually, would probably be something that appeals to Murderbot in the long run of their relationship as it comes with the perk of not involving touching its actual body which is probably where a lot of the overstimulation comes from, though we know it can still make it uncomfortable from how it talked about ART essentially breathing down its neck when they first met, so it might take time or be in small doses.

I think despite not having a body, ART would be touch-positive (its crew touching its ship body, being close to MB in its feed). I’ve read a fic recently where MB let it control its hands to try touching its body, which I loved (despite thinking in canon MB would be less likely to allow it loll but ART wanting something like that just made sense to me). I can also see ART admiring how people (including MB) look while MB wouldn’t care about that at all.

I haven’t decided whether I think ART is alloromantic, arospec, or just as aromantic as MB just with less negative feelings about the idea. I might need to come back to this after my reread when I have a better grasp on the character. I think its queerplatonic feelings towards MB are more romantic-adjacent than MB’s are towards it. It didn’t seem as objective to Amena’s jokes about them being a couple as Murderbot was. I also like the interpretation that there is romantic elements to ART’s feelings it just would never pursue a relationship Murderbot wouldn’t want, I can see it being fine with whatever labels Murderbot wants for them.

Genderwise, we know Murderbot is strictly it/its and it/its is what’s used for Perihelion too. However, I can see ART not being as bothered by gender pronouns as MB. I feel like maybe in the future far future MB would maybeeee entertain they/them or other non-gendered pronouns but I don’t see that likely where it’s currently at. With ART I see it as maybe not minding any pronouns used for it and it/its being what people call it by default and it doesn’t mind that. They’re both agender though.

When I picture MB I usually picture it as transmasc (I am transmasc myself btw). Still agender, obviously, but when it comes to how it presents. It really doesn’t want to be associated with any gender, binary or otherwise. Behavior towards gender seems a lot more evolved in the society of the books. There’s a lot I could say about the series and gender, but that would have to be a whole other post. I feel like anyone assuming Murderbot’s gender would deeply unnerve it. I don’t think it even likes to be seen as non-binary or as agender in a That’s It’s Gender Identity way, it just wants people to assume bots having any kind of gender identity is impossible (which is what it thinks itself, and is probably wrong about). This was definitely the thought behind its preferred gender marker being “N/A”.

When it comes to Three (finally I’m getting to Three 😭) I lowkey think it’s alloromantic. I was drawn to that idea when it was asking about SecUnit 2 (or 1? I can’t remember, it was the one that it didn’t know was dead left and was left to die) and it was clear their relationship was at least a friendship and I was like… what if it was in loveee. I liked the idea of MB having to interact with a SecUnit that didn’t fit its idea of default bot sexual identity.

I don’t know if Three appears frequently in System Collapse, I only know what I’ve read about it in Network Effect. I also think Three, having had friends before, would be much more open with its feelings than MB, it just wouldn’t know how to express them as it was never allowed to before aside from the discreet ways it would interact with its SecUnit friends. I definitely see it as being more touch-positive. I do think it’s also asexual though, maybe less sex repulsed, but more apathetic and neutral towards it.

I know this is crazy long. I’m so sorry to whoever accidentally opens this and has to scroll through the whole thing 😭

I want to make a post about MB and autism eventually.

Update: I sent this mere seconds ago, but I have realized that I have now encountered multiple fics where ART is just kinky as hell (nonsexual when MB is involved ofc) and I kinda love that idea 😭 of all the people for MB to bond to it had to be an Unusually Horny spaceship

Btw I say “ofc” because, in character, MB is sex repulsed ace however it is an unreliable narrator to an extent and given it is fictional and not harmful there isn’t anything wrong with making it sexual in your fics, just wanted to clarify. You do you, internet.

[mae-i-scribble]

My post on How I Attended and All Guys Mixer picked up a few more notes than I was expecting recently and it reminded me that I've been wanting to talk about how appreciative I am about how the series handles sexuality. I'll only be talking about the manga here bc I haven't seen the live action drama nor do I plan to. But I just think it's really neat that with our 3 male protags we get to see 3 very unique reactions to 1) learning that crossdressing is a thing and 2) how they in turn feel attraction wise.

I'll start off with Asagi as I feel his is the most straightforward in that he just takes everything in stride. Literally nothing phases him. Thanks to that he's the most nonchalant of the group, just chatting up and trying to make friends per usual. He's confused somewhat, but doesn't pay it any mind and just tries to get to know everyone as he would any other new friend. Personally, I can really see an aro/ace argument for Asagi due to the way he's just, completely unaffected and uninterested in the romantic ongoings around him. He compliments the girls and such but even when the manga is going pretty hard pushing its other pairings Asagi and Fuji truly just seem like good friends. I'm not delusional, this is a romance manga that from the get-go clearly has these pairings in mind to all get together romantically, but until it happens I can gaslight myself into believing my aroace truth (is coping so bad).

Going from most chill about everything to 2nd most chill we have Tokiwa. Tokiwa is an interesting case in that he's polite to such a degree that he does his best to mask his initial confusion and shock (to the extent that yknow, a comedy manga will allow). Though it doesn't really work because he is very overwhelmed by the situation at hand. However, I don't think this is attributed to the girls' crossdressing alone in the same way that Hagi can't get over his initial shock of the concept. Tokiwa's chief concern isn't the "weirdness" of it all but the fact that he came here expecting a meet cute with a cute girl and instead is getting a meet cute with someone equally as charming but with none of the reserved attitude we see Suo have while she's fem-presenting. My boy is not worried about gender norms he is worried for his sanity due to the attractive person flirting with him.

Honestly, this panel here implies that he finds masc-presenting Suo even more attractive. The fact that he even tries to reassure himself that because Suo is a woman this situation is less flustering is very interesting. Not that it does anything. Pouring one out for Tokiwa for real. As the manga goes on, Tokiwa gives off the vibe of someone who is comfortable with his sexuality enough that the gender presentation of the person he likes is irrelevant, both are attractive to him in different ways. Again, while Suo's crossdressing is a point of interest in the sense that it's not something he understands or gets intuitively, he doesn't have nearly the same level of crisis as Hagi does. His attraction to Suo is never questioned- rather it seems to be a question of whether or not he thinks Suo is genuine in her flirting.

And our last boy is Hagi, poor beloved Hagi who is having the time of his life trying to figure out that hey, sometimes people don't dress or present stereotypically. It's a rough life for you Hagi. However, his inner conflict is very gripping. I find his reaction and subsequent coming to terms with the idea of crossdressing a very realistic take on the subject much more akin to your average person being introduced to everything for the first time. It never feels mean spirited even if Hagi can be offensive in this thoughts and comments at first- it's born from a place of genuine confusion, both towards himself and towards the girls. Hagi falling in love with Kohaku, while a little to rife with misunderstandings for my taste, I think is a wonderful narrative of how even being straight doesn't mean that there is one way to feel attraction. While Kohaku throws around the idea of him being bi due to him being attracted to Kohaku while she's masc-presenting, Suo best sums it up when she says that it's not about the words or the looks, its about who it's coming from. And given that we haven't seen Hagi struggle with this from anyone else, it's a safe bet to say he likes Kohaku as masc-presenting, not necessarily masc-presenting people or men in general. Attraction as a fluid concept is something most straight romance stories, let alone a comedy based one, seldom bother to explore along the gender spectrum. Hagi's struggle to understand himself and what his attraction to Kohaku means to him personally is such an interesting take that it elevates the entire storyline out of miscommunication hell almost (just almost).

Idk idk this feels like a very silly rant to have but I do in fact love this manga more than a reasonable amount and this is definitely one of the top reasons for it. I would love for it to get a bit more attention but I shall settle for rereading it for the 20th time I suppose

[retrieve-the-kraken]

Am i the asshole?

A coworker who is one of the pride leaders at our office posted last week on our deai group something about coming out day, but they captioned it “Love is love!!”

I wrote to them aside that, for future reference, the tagline “love is love” excludes other queer identities that are not related to romantic attraction, like aroace and nonbinary people, etc. (I had been wondering about this since pride month this year, and coincidentally came across several posts and articles detailing why the tagline became so popular, and now also problematic).

They got super defensive and said things that made no sense. I tried to explain that love is love came from marraige equality, that it became an umbrella tagline to ‘represent’ pride but it was outdated, the same way saying ‘gay’ was once used to refer to anyone queer, etc. But they still didn’t see what i meant, they said that it’s a lot like the people who refuse to acknowledge their identity because they don’t look more masculine (this person identifies as trans masc).

I admitted that, despite not negating their identity, i often used the wrong pronouns with them (they prefer he/they, but they say that they don’t mind if people use she, or even it, because they say it’s meaningless), and im always kicking myself for it. Bear in mind that in Spanish it requires a bit lore consciousness because EVERYTHING is gendered… so i try, but i also have a faulty brain, and my mouth is faster than my mind sometimes, and i often unconsciously say ‘she’.

Today, we were talking normally, and then I brought up that convo, asking them if they felt like i was attacking them, because of how defensive they got. They said no, but then they started saying some defensive stuff again, and even some problematic stuff, and i was trying to clarify why i said that love is love just doesn’t cover other queer experiences. I didn’t want to lecture; as Isaac says in Heartstopper season 3 “i don’t feel like giving my friends a vocab lesson”, because a lot of people unfortunately don’t know or don’t further understand aroacespec identities and what it all means. But i wanted to clarify, just so that we could be on the same page.

And they kept saying really weird stuff, and pretending like they didn’t understand, and i said that it felt like they weren’t even trying to understand or even listen.

And then they said “listen, I don’t care.”

I asked “what?”

They stood up and repeated slowly, “i don’t care about this subject”

I said “oh… okay… thanks.”

Why did i say thanks? No idea. I was really taken aback. This was literally the first person i came out to at work, and they just told me they didn’t care to understand more about my identity or my experience, and then they walked out.

When they came back, i just didn’t talk to them again. There was a meeting with the whole team, some of the team went to get lunch, came back, ate lunch. They were there. Then we continued working. Hours passed, and we work in the same office room, and i just sat there, working, and then they finally spoke to me.

“What?” I asked.

“I said, are you done with the cold shoulder?” They said, and they were giving me this small smile, like they thought i was being ridiculous.

It really pissed me off, for them to know that they made me angry, but instead of apologizing or trying to find out what exactly made me angry, they just thought i should be over it by now. Like i’m being too sensitive.

I said “no”, and went back to work.

It makes me really disappointed, because this is a person who is very outspoken about being queer, and encouraging other queer people to be open about their queerness, but the moment I want to talk about my queer experience, they were very rude.

I know they might be going through things, they just lost a parent, but we’re all going through shit, we all have problems, that doesn’t give them a right to dismiss me and be rude like that.

And especially since they’re supposed to be like the pride group/ queer community leader, for them to react like this feels very problematic.

Until they apologize or at least try to talk to me about this seriously, i don’t want to talk to them about anything that is not strictly work.

It’ll probably be noticeable to others, since we usually talk and joke a lot. But i don’t feel like it. If they don’t care, then i don’t care either.

Anyway, it doesn’t feel like i’m being the asshole, but… am i the asshole?

MASSIVE EDIT TO CLARIFY SOME THINGS, BASED ON A COUPLE OF COMMENTS I RECEIVED, AND ALSO ADDING A FOLLOW UP TO TODAY:

Thank you to the people who offered comments and advice. I will clarify some things, because, as I feared, I may have left some context out in my attempt to summarize the situation as much as possible.

- No, they didn’t JUST lose a parent, it was actually a couple of months ago now, and they’ve been mostly fine, but one day i had a meltdown from stress, and they comforted me afterwards, and they also became overwhelmed, and i comforted them in return. i know grief is a process, but i don’t think this was the kind of situation which would warrant them taking their grief out on me.

- No, I wasn’t trying to change their mind, I was trying to share something with them. I learned this recently too, and I wanted to share it with the person with whom I talk about things like this so often. I didn’t think they were already on my side or that I just needed to remind them. There was no side. We’re both learning about each other’s experiences. Neither of us know everything there is to know about queerness. Nobody does.

- No, I never said that “love is love” is exclusive or that it’s problematic (that’s what the article said, tho). What I actually said was that it kind of leaves out the aromantic and asexual experience.

- Of course, not all aromantic and asexual experiences are the same, and of course aroace people could experience love and sexual attraction, or other types of intimacy and affection, but that’s not what ‘love is love’ encapsulates, because it came from marriage equality. (This article probably explains it a lot better than I can, but it’s not the article that I read a while back that made me realize why love is love is not the ideal tagline for pride month, for example. there are multiple ones, by the way.)

- No, we weren’t arguing, at any point. Not over text message, not in person. It was never an argument.

- Their response was along the lines of “of course not! i love you but i don’t want to sleep with you!” “love your friends, your family, your pets, your queer chosen family…” “being queer is not always about sex, but i can be wrong. thanks for the comment.” “i need to understand others more, i saw the post and used it, never meant to leave you out.”

- my response (to the first message): “no, love is love implies romantic or sexual love, and as you say, being queer is not always about love or sex.”

- i clarified “no worries, not feeling excluded, but i thought i would clarify.” “Its like when gay was used as an umbrella term, and lgbt was also an umbrella term… but it has evolved. and now love is love is like an umbrella expression, but it’s still not considering some experiences.” “i’m more into ‘be unapologetically yourself’.” (all of this is because that message was in a group chat, with other queer people, who might react differently. my coworker might interpret ‘love is love’ to mean ‘all kinds of love’, but someone else might interpret is as being excluding of other queer experiences and identities unrelated to sexual attraction.)

- they responded “me too. and that’s why i’m leaving it as it is.” then they mentioned that people don’t acknowledge their trans identity just because they don’t care about looking more masculine. then they asked about my mum, and about the morning meeting.

- i didn’t see the message until the next day and replied to the last two. and then i said “yeah, i know i have problems using the right pronouns and i kick myself over it every time. melting emoji”.

-they reacted to it with a thumbs up, but this was after we had already fallen out.

- i arrived at work first, they came in, we talked about mammograms (they’re about ten years older than me, by the way). they left, came back, i said: “hey you didn’t feel attacked by what i was texting you, did you? i didn’t mean to, i just thought i would clarify, because i was reading about love is love-” they interrupted me: “it’s not about sex, it’s not, love is love, you can love anyone.” me: “Okay, yes, but the thing about love is love is that-” they interrupted me again: “well, next time i’ll write ‘love is love but no meaning to exclude asexuals.” I don’t remember what I said in response, because i was already a bit disconcerted. I tried to explain that the thing about love is love is that it kind of focuses on the identities that are more about romantic and sexual attraction, and not so much about the ones that have less or nothing to do with that, like aro people, ace people, nonbinary people, trans people, etc. But they started saying something about “pedophiles were once included among the queer people”, and i was stunned. “well, pedophilia is not a sexual identity, is it? it’s a mental problem, it’s a sexual depravation.” “yeah but they wanted to lump them in there.” “well, yeah but that doesn’t mean that it was right. the same way that asexuality is still medicalized because people think that you should definitely be sexually attracted to someone, and if you aren’t it’s a problem.” “just love who you want, it doesn’t have to be about sex, why do you have to make it about sex.” “i’m not… i feel like you’re not understanding what i was trying to say, but also you’re not even trying to understand-” they interrupted me again: “v, i don’t care.” i fell silent. “what?” they stood up like they were leaving and repeated: “i don’t care about this subject.” i stared at them and said: “oh… okay… thanks.” and they left.

- at no point did either of us yell or get heated or anything. it was just… words. like we usually talk, like we have all these debates and conversations and share opinions. this time, this was the outcome.

- then they came back, and they didn’t attempt to talk to me, and obviously neither did i. nothing else happened, until later in the afternoon when the room went quiet (there’s always a lot of people coming in and out, and our boss was in her office with the door open. I was working, and suddenly i heard them talk to me. i said: “what?” they stared at me with a smile: “are you done with the cold shoulder?” in that tone that says “are you done being a little child, are your feelings still hurt, or are you having that time of the month again” i stared at them in shock. no attempt to apologize, no attempt to clarify, no attempt to talk about it. “No,” i said, and went back to work. I didn’t want to talk to them in that moment, because it felt like they still wouldn’t listen, so why waste my time…

- i know we’re very different people, and we don’t have the same personality or point of view, but this felt very out of the blue.

- UPDATE FOR TODAY: I haven’t talked to them yet, except to say ‘hi’ and ‘no, thanks’ when they offered me something. I think they left something on my desk, and then they offered me dried mango. it feels like an attempt at extending an olive branch, but… i don’t appreciate it.

I might come across as proud and stubborn, but the truth is that I feel like I’m pretty non-confrontational, sometimes to the point that I feel like a pushover. So when I establish limits, and maintain them, in situations like this, I’m not being proud, just trying to not get hurt any further. Being the bigger person always seems to fall on me, and not the other person, and i don’t think that’s fair.

I think it was pretty clear that I wasn’t trying to argue. I don’t like to argue or be angry at anyone. But the fact is that, if they don’t care about trying to clarify things, then I’m not interested either. I’m sure we’ll work things out eventually, but for once I would like that I didn’t have to put my feelings aside to prioritize someone else’s, especially when it’s obvious they know that they said something that hurt me or made me angry.

And I know it’s different for everyone, and it’s not a competition, but being aroace is particularly difficult when most people don’t even know what that is about, so when you find someone that you feel you can talk to about this particular experience, even if they don’t fully understand, the last thing you expect is for them to be so dismissive.

Anyway, I guess we’ll see what happens.

[crazybiscuit]

Siren Song

Pairing: PM!Osamu Dazai x PM!Reader Summary: Dazai was used to seducing women and throwing them away when he no longer needed him. He never expected he'd be the one on the receiving end... Warnings: MDNI, smut, angst, unrequited love, toxic relationship, reader has siren abilities, mentions of murder and mafia business Word Count:  2442 Credits: @saradika-graphics thank you for the divider! A/N: Sorry guys, I was too drunk to finish writing this last night since I played a drinking game with my friends while watching Twilight. I am not a lightweight and we drank champagne, so I hope this gives an idea of how bad the movie was (it's still a guilty pleasure though). Also, I’m AroAce so my intention isn't to depict aromatic people as manipulative pricks. This is just depicting a toxic relationship between two people, in which one of the members happens to be in the community. Anyways, enjoy!

Relationships between coworkers were never a good idea. Especially when one of the parties involved was an executive and the other a lower level member of the Port Mafia. However, Dazai supposed this didn’t really classify as a proper relationship anyways. It was purely physical.

And he had to remind himself of that fact every time he would find himself pinning you down in your bed, trying his best to ignore the emotions building up in his chest with each sweet gasp of his name falling from your lips.

Dazai wasn’t a stranger to casual sex, if anything, he considered himself an expert at using people’s feelings for him to have a fun night. What he wasn’t used to was someone flipping the script on him and that was exactly the situation he found himself in when he first met you.

At first, he’d simply pursued you to piss off Chuuya (who like most other members developed a small crush on you due to your ability) and as a challenge for himself to see if he could seduce a siren. He should’ve quit the game he started the moment he managed to steal a kiss from you. No… Actually, he shouldn’t have even started because the moment he got a taste of you, he couldn’t stop.

Your ability didn’t work on him, so he had no clue what made him eagerly push you against his desk as he tugged your hair or pressed you in the small corner of the supply closet, hands wrapped around your throat to keep you quiet. Maybe it had something to do with your face or body. He’d often seen your true face each time he touched you, nullifying the illusion spell that you’d cast, and he wouldn’t deny you were pretty. But he found many women easy on the eyes and never felt the urge to pathetically whimper out their names as he clung onto them desperately for release.

Dazai had finally come to the conclusion that his love for you likely was a cruel joke from the universe. Anything he would never want to lose was always lost. It was something he had learned early on in life and as he grew older, it began to hold more truth than he’d like. His feelings were stubborn, however, and he couldn’t help but find himself alone with you too often.

Tonight, you had finished a mission on Mori’s personal orders and you got home in the early hours of the morning, long before the sunrise. You weren’t disturbed or surprised when you noticed your door open ajar. You didn’t even reach for your pistol as you entered, instead, kicking your heels off and addressing the man you knew was here, “Back again?”

Dazai’s dark eyes remained on the revealing dress adorning your figure, mildly irritated with himself for feeling jealous of the man you murdered last night. He knew Mori had only assigned you to this case to spite the executive and he hated to admit the punishment was working, “How was the mission?”

“Fine,” you stated dryly as you removed the gun tied around your thigh, along with the empty vial of poison, not caring of the man’s stare, “A little too easy if you ask me.”

Dazai looked away for a split second, staring into his glass of whiskey before finishing it swiftly, “Hurry up and shower. I’ll be waiting in bed.”

You rolled your eyes but made no attempt to disobey him as you walked to your bathroom. You didn’t bother to shut the door, fully aware of the wandering eyes on you as you slowly undressed and turned on the hot water.

By the time you entered your bedroom in your bathrobe, you found the brunette sitting on your bed, flipping through one of your catalogs, “You should consider buying me a new nightgown or lingerie one of these days.”

Your comment was obviously meant to be playful but even with the laugh falling from his lips, you can tell it doesn’t reach his eyes, “I don’t really like the idea of clothes I bought ending up on the floor of a stranger.”

You paused as you dried your hair, lowering the towel slightly. You weren’t stupid, you had obviously noticed the subtle differences in his behavior since your first meeting. You had noticed his strange insistence on assigning you to missions that had nothing to do with him when he first realized his feelings. This flipped when he couldn’t help himself by visiting your apartment at least once a week and he began recruiting you for his own missions, which caught the attention of quite a few members.

Not only that, but his behavior and expressions had also shifted enough for you to notice he had developed feelings inappropriate for your arrangement, “If I didn’t know better, I’d assume you were jealous, Dazai.”

“Trust me, I’m not,” you both knew the truth but pretended to be oblivious. It was easier that way…

You dropped the towel on your chair and made your way towards your bed and you felt the urge to remind him of your relationship, “That’s good… I wouldn’t want to give you the wrong idea.”

The comment stung a little but the man effortlessly shrugged it off as he grabbed your wrist and pulled you down next to him. You could already tell what he wanted and you closed your eyes before he even pulled you close enough to kiss. This caused him to groan in mild frustration, seeing how unaffected you were with these encounters but he quickly pushed the feeling away as he began to push the emerald-colored silk off your shoulders.

“You shouldn’t be taking direct orders from Mori, you’re my subordinate.”

You stared at him stunned for a second and bursted out into laughter, “Do you realize how crazy you sound? You aren't the boss… At least not yet.”

“I don’t care,” he mumbled against your collarbone as your nightgown finally fell down to your waist, exposing your bare body. 

You dismissed the comment, tilting your head back slightly for the brunette. His hands were wrapped around your waist and your own ran through his dark curls, “What do you want tonight?”

“Shouldn’t you know that already, mind reader.”

You let out an annoyed sigh as he ruined the mood. You weren’t even going to indulge him with an answer since you both knew your mind manipulation ability didn’t work on him, “Quit being snarky and let’s get to the point.”

His jaw clenched, a small frown making its way to his face but he stayed put, his hair tickling your neck as he began trailing kisses up your throat. Your fingers found their way to the ends of his eye bandage and you carefully untied it as he began marking your skin. Another sign that he was more comfortable with you than he’d like to admit. The gauze fell down when he pulled away for a few seconds.

“How was the mission? You didn’t give much details,” you sighed, his lips on your pulse. You could tell this conversation wasn’t sparked out of mere curiosity.

“The usual. I was sent to clean up after…,” you hesitated slightly. You assumed Mori hadn’t given him details of your assignment and you weren’t about to throw Akutagawa under the bus, “A member failed to kill a witness during a raid: a politician. Luckily, they’re always easy to manipulate.”

“I bet they are,” you gasped as he suddenly pressed you into the mattress, clearly not wanting to hear anymore. He expertly unbuttoned his suit jacket and tossed it on your floor, leaning down to taste your lips. You were quick to reciprocate the gesture as your fingers loosened his tie, pulling him deeper into the kiss.

He eventually pulled away, both of you breathing heavily, and the rest of his clothes soon found themselves on the hardwood floor, alongside your nightgown. His bandages also found their way off his body, a rare occurrence even when it came to sex (or any interaction for that matter).

You sat up, pushing him back a little as you reached into your drawer. He knew the protocol, despite being on birth control, you asked him to wear a condom for safety. He didn’t mind obviously, he was used to this. What really stung was seeing the various different brands and sizes, reminding him that he was just like all of your other playthings. He wasn’t special and he interpreted it as a lack of trust on your part. Obviously, he was known for sleeping around but if you cared enough, you would’ve known that he stopped that a few months into knowing you.

He didn’t vocalize his complaints, laying back down on the bed as you got on your knees in front of him. He could hear the sound of the package opening and shivered as you rolled the cold rubber onto his cock. You didn’t waste your time, your hands slowly stroking his cock as your lips gently pressed kisses against his thigh, causing him to let out a sigh, eyes closed as he relaxed further into the mattress. 

His hand found its way into your hair as you finally wrapped your lips around his tip and he groaned softly, grabbing onto your roots. He stayed fairly quiet as you bobbed your head up and down at a leisurely pace. The man could tell you were teasing him and frowned in annoyance, thrusting his hip. You let out a small gagging sound as he pressed your head further down onto him but adjusted to his length quickly, being accustomed to his impatient behavior.

He took control, fucking your mouth like a toy as you sucked his dick, face scrunched up as he focused on the sensation of your warm mouth wrapped around him. It didn’t take long for him to feel himself approaching his release and you moaned onto his member, knowing he would cum soon as his thighs trembled faintly. He hissed, pushing your head as far down as he could, hitting the back of your throat as came.

You pulled away, licking the flavored lube off your fingers as you stood up to grab a towel. The lanky man stayed on his back for a while, ignoring the dreadful sensation in his gut, ashamed of how quickly he’d give into pleasure just to be near you. He sighed, removing the condom and tossing it in the bin as he waited for you, finally sitting up and leaning against the bedframe. 

Once you were back, you cleaned him off and opened your bedside drawer once more but you hesitated for a few seconds as you stare at the boxes. Dazai frowned slightly, wondering what was wrong but before he could ask, you straddled his lap much to his shock, “Wha–”

You kissed him, tongue pushing past his lips, smiling in satisfaction. It wasn’t often someone could surprise the Demon Prodigy. You briefly pulled away, looking at his stunned expression, “I figured there’s no point wasting another one.”

“You taste like bubblegum,” he remarked, unable to think of anything else to say in the moment as you aligned his tip with your cunt. If he was stupid enough, he’d assume this meant more than it actually did. You let out a small snort at his comment as you slowly sank onto him with a gasp.

 “Yeah, it’s a new brand. Like it?” you mumbled, holding back a moan at the sensation of him stretching you out.

“Don’t use them with anyone else,” he ordered without thinking, head resting against the wooden frame as you took him inside of you bare. He knew this was most likely going to be a one time thing, so he was hoping the condoms would solidify his need to prove his importance to you even if he knew it wasn’t true.

You ignored him, eyes closing as you took him balls deep, a soft moan escaping your lips at the sensation. His hands wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer to his chest, causing you to grind against him, “Fuck…”

He took a deep breath, trying to control his heart. You’d always been more vocal than him in bed but he had a feeling you mostly did it for your partners. It was the same thing he did when he hooked up with someone for information, acting in the specific way he knew they’d like.  He couldn’t deny that he found it attractive but it was yet another reminder.

His nails dug into your waist as he tried pushing aside his feelings and he began helping your set a pace to ride him. You wrapped your arms around him, head tipped back as you whimper out his name. He grasped this opportunity and kissed the top of your chest before biting into it, hoping to mark you even more. He’d always noticed the sweet taste of your skin and the pleasant smell. If it weren’t for his ability, he would’ve assumed it had something to do with your siren spell.

Your moans and whines only grew louder as Dazai picked up his pace, relishing the sensation of fucking you without protection. Honestly, his delusions were telling him that if he filled you deep enough, you would get pregnant and you’d finally be his. He clung to the stupid thought, thrusting up into your cunt, small groans muffled against your skin as he screwed his eyes shut in concentration.

You reached down for your clit as you watched him through half-lidded, sensing that your night would end soon. The brunette’s eyes snapped open in annoyance as he slapped your hand away, “The hell do you think you’re doing?”

You shivered at the cold tone of his voice, clenching around him from the sterness and you gasped out in shock as his finger tip replaced yours. It took only a few more seconds for you to slump against him, body shaking as you cried out his name. He bit his lip hard in response, feeling the tight grip of your cunt on his cock, causing him to draw blood as he pushed himself as deep as he could before cumming, filling you with his warm seed.

You both stayed entangled for a minute, catching your breath as you recovered. Unsurprisingly, you were the first to pull away, standing up and grabbing the emerald robe on the ground to cover yourself.

“Feel free to shower before you leave, Dazai,” your voice was nonchalant as you stepped out of the room to fix yourself dinner, “I’ll take mine later.”

[whatshereforme]

Since watching the new season of heartstopper ive been playing around with labels again (which I haven’t done since a friend I trusted basically shut me down and told me I can’t just be something without having “tried all my options first” ew). I’m always scared to relabel or try identifying as something other than what I’m comfortable being because I feel like I owe everyone consistency

When I was 15 (I’m 21 rn) I came out as lesbian and honestly I was so comfortable with that and how people perceived me and I kinda loved how my male friends (which I had a lot of back then) treated me. The downside was how the black community treated me, I was mostly in the closet to them but the closet was very much transparent (they could always tell I wasn’t straight lol)

The year I turned 18 I started identifying as bisexual, largely because I thought I might like my male best friend. I proposed the idea and he asked me out almost immediately. We dated for exactly 7 days before I realized I wasn’t really into him like I thought. Downside to this era was the comments my male friends would make about “bisexual girls” to me. The only thing was that I was too scared to start identifying as lesbian again because I had come out to all my friends as bi already.

So I carried that label until now (a few people I know still think I’m probably lesbian still lol). The reason I felt comfortable in this label was because I had just turned 18. I went clubbing and did some excessive drinking for the past few years and being bi gave me an excuse to drunkenly make out with random men on nights out. I still don’t know how I feel about men to this day I guess (I’ve always known I’m romantically attracted to women but I’m always on the fence about men, it’s a bit weird)

My trouble came with the fact that I’m not keen on hooking up with people. No matter their gender I’m just not super excited about the concept of “intercourse” or any of the stuff that comes with it. When the last season of Sex Education came out I watched it with a friend and offhandedly made a joke about being ace in reference to one of the characters and she went “you can’t be ace you just haven’t had sex yet” and that literally sent me spiraling for days and I just pushed the feeling down and ignored it

Earlier this year though I was having one of my late night talks with my little sister because we had a sleepover in the living room. I made a joke about how I’m probably never gonna be in a relationship ever because I don’t really wanna have sex and she asked me if I was being serious. I said yes and she said “there will definitely be people out there that will be with you even if you don’t wants sex, you need to stop being such a dramatic bitch lol”. That was obviously really reassuring to hear someone I love tell me it’s ok to not want sex, even if that person is my straight 17 year old sister.

I’ve been very afraid of being openly asexual because I’m scared no one will love me if I can’t give them sex but also I know I’m capable of loving people without them giving me sex but that’s only because I don’t want sex in the first place. I just feel I will personally be unlovable.

Anyway back to heartstopper. Imogen’s journey with comp het was very much relatable for obvious reasons as I had gone through all that by that age (and am still deliberating to this day if I just crave male attention, which is sad I wish I was still as confident as I was at 16 to know but life took over lol) and of course Issac’s journey with dealing with the affects of being aroace in a world that revolves around romantic relationships and conditions us to believe we need to want sex and romance. I had already read solitaire, Loveless and Radio Silence when I was in secondary school. Radio silence was the first time I felt so utterly seen in a character. That being Aled Last (mostly relating in our similar relationships with our mums). And then I read loveless and it literally put me off kilter of months. To see Georgia’s journey had me reflecting on everything I was taught about relationships and sex and friendships (but then I had exams and graduation and had to put that self revelation on hold lol)

All this to say, I’m deciding from today that I want to identify as Asexual. I know labels can be limiting to some people and they have been to me for that past few years as well but I think being ace is something I have to go to be true to myself. I’m definitely not coming out of the closet anymore I’m too tired of thinking I owe that to people but I’m going to try be honest with myself.

[that-girl-glader]

Hey, I wanted to tell you that I really get what you wrote in that post about your asexual experience. I can resonate with a lot of that, like being horny but not actually wanting to have sex with a real person, that really can fuck me up sometimes haha

Like, I feel as if the concept of sex isn't so bad if i think about it and i sometimes feel like maybe i should just try it but then i just absolutely black out if i think about a real person and having to go through all of that. I don't know if that's how you feel too, but that's kinda the reason I feel scared of sex. Like as soon as i imagine someone real i don't wanna do it, because i don't feel the attraction. And it's kind of the same with romantic stuff, I just can't really picture being in a relashionship even if theres a person i feel strongly about/ have like a soft crush on?

Also, because you said that you'd love to talk more or have someone ask you about it, how exactly do you experience romantic attraction? I think that I'm aroace but that means I've never really had a crush or I'm never really sure about it. And that also stresses me out sometimes because it makes me question every relashionship I have with my friends. It can get so confusing to seperate if they're only platonic feelings or if I'm feeling romantic stuff, for exapmle when I'd like to cuddle more with a friend or have more body contact i instantly start questioning my feelings. Is that something you struggle with, too? Or is it different, cause you mentioned that you do get crushes?

I'm always so grateful to hear about others way of percieving their experience, cause being aro/acespec can make you feel so alienated at times and it can help so much talking with each other about it. So I'd love to hear what you have to say :)

OMGOSHES THIS EXACTLY!! Everything you said about being scared of sex because the thought of actually doing it with a real person makes you black out is exactly how ai feel!! I am scared because the thought of what actually goes into having sex makes me wanna throw up. But I can't help wishing I could want it you know.

For romantic attraction. I have gone through many labels because I never really knew where I fit. For me being demiromantic never really used to fit me. The reason is because I believed that if I actually was demiromantic I would have had way more crushes than I've had. Which is less than five. But now I realise that doesn't matter. Because, all the times I've had crushes, it wasn't instant. I had to feel a strong emotional bond with each of them which takes months of knowing someone. And I guess I knew I liked them because of the whole "just us". Like obviously even with friendships you want a bond only you two share, but it was different with them. I'll use my ex as an example. I wanted us to be "just us", to have a bond that's "just us", be vulnerable in a way that's "just us". And to be honest I got jealous. Of their friends who seemed closer to them platonically. Because I really wanted to be their "just us" for everything. And to be someone you can tell they loved a lot. Of course I don't mean jealous in a way that's problematic. Jealous in the normal quiet amount. And when I like someone I think about being with them now and in the future. Building my life around them. Where we can have a "just us" life with other people we both care about too. A happy for the both of us where we both enjoy each others company, and we accommodate eachother. And be a unit. It's about a connection. Like yes, I have thought about kissing them but if we never did. I would not give a fuck. And I don't even know if I'd like kissing. I would have to try it first.

By the way even now I cannot tell the difference between romantic and platonic feelings because both of those are SO STRONG IN ME. Sometimes it feels like bullying because I look at my love for my friends and my ex and I'm like damn. I like my ex romantically I know that, and I don't like this friend that way. So it helps me remember that this is platonic. And I think that all love is just love. It shouldn't be grouped as romantic or platonic. It's just LOVE. Love is a messy bitch. So just love people. You shouldn't hurt yourself by categorising that love. And that's what I do. I just realised that damn there is a lot of love in me. And I love my friends, I love my siblings, and I love my ex. It's all love. I know this probably doesn't help you realise whether you are having a crush or not. But if you just let yourself love someone the way you want to then you'll be able to tell what it means for you.

Thank you so much for the ask!!!! Being aro/acespec really is lonely when you feel like it's only you. But there are people who get it!! So glad we had this little back and forth!! Have an awesome day!!!🩷

Ps. I say ex, but we're pretty fucking close. We just happen to not be a couple because of personal reasons. But yeah. I don't even categorise our bond because of how crazy strong and amazing it is. I love them, and that's all there needs to be to it. Just kinda sad because we're long distance.

[molars-chain]

Hello, I'm Jasper, or rivsticks on discord, as named in Red's post.

I want to start this out by saying, I'm going to take this as an opportunity to explain my side of the story, which I was never given a chance to previously. My goal is to show you the offenses I was banned for, and explain as accurately and honestly as possible, so I'm going to be posting all the related screenshots in which I spoke for the sake of clarity and context. For that reason, since I'm on mobile, I'll be posting screenshots in subsequent posts. All I ask is that you keep an open mind and take this at face value.

Yes, I participated in fandom discourse regarding Prospero and his sexuality. This topic is something important to me as an aroace person uninterested in romance, as representation for us is few and far between, but I never meant for it to become any more than just that- impersonal fandom discourse. Yes, I involved myself in the conversation about proshipping and it's definition, but that was to ask for clarification about one of Red's messages and briefly add my opinion. I'll admit, I probably could have handled that a bit better, but I don't think it's grounds for this reaction. There was no secret clique, or any premeditated attacking of anyone at any time, notice how there wasn't a single screenshot to corroborate their claim of shit-talking. They came to that conclusion on pure assumption only, and have taken it as fact since with no chance of defense or counter. It's bad faith. Again, I want to reiterate that we were a loose group of friends, not a 'clique', and it's not fair at all to take what another member of that server said and let it reflect on me under the guise of, 'but they were a group'. Nobody should take responsibility for anything I said, and I will not take responsibility for anything anyone else said. I am my own person, able to think for myself, not part of a single entity like how I am consistently grouped. I find it troubling that that is the narrative that was spread without any chance for me to truly defend myself. I have been name dropped multiple times as if this were the case, and I will be honest, it's a little frustrating. They said they pride themselves on taking all sides into consideration, but as far as I know not a single person named in the ban was dmed for any sort of clarification.

Now that I've said my peace with that situation, I'd like to touch very briefly on the Crimson situation. I feel that if it's so intertwined with me that you have to drop my name in a post about it, I should add my two cents. I think it's childish to bring my and my friend's ban up again months after it happened, to try and justify letting Crimson back into the server. Ignoring evidence like this against someone, just because it came forward from an individual Red deemed untrustworthy (with little to no proof, I may add) when you could have easily asked for more context or uncensored screenshots, is irresponsible. That's all I have to say.

Thank you for reading. I'll be posting the screenshots soon, they're giving me some trouble.

[tea-blankets-andstars]

at least for me personally i feel like to some extent my gender identy/ sexuality has gone in an almost loop from where i started to where i am now.

Example

when i first started wondering about my sexuality i took one of those buzzfeed "whats my sexuality?" quiz and the answer was pansexual but of course me being the skeptical person i am said "hmmm no" and so started a long journey of Lesbian, panromantic, bisexual, asexual?? Until i finally landed on Omnisexual demi-aroace (quite a mouthful personally) and Omni is under the pan umbrella so almost full circle

and then another crisis of "wait am i not a girl?" which again started the line of Non-Binary, Demigirl, trans, demiboy, genderfluid, genderqueer. Quite a rollercoaster, and i settled on Agender (it feels right but i never know with me) and again it comes almost full circle with Agender falling under the Non-Binary umbrella term

anyways i think i lost track of the point i was trying to make but it was something along the lined of "it was right under my nose" or "trust your gut"

[clone-anon-after-dark]

Just As You Are (Wolffe x GN!Asexual!Aromantic!Reader)

Word count: 2047

Warnings: I’ll say NSFW for mention of having sex to make past partners happy, mention of masturbation, minors DNI

A/N: This is my first time writing Reader who is strictly aroace so I hope I did it some kind of justice. I know not all aroace people express themselves in the same way, so this is just one version I had in my mind. I believe what I write is referred to as a queerplatonic relationship? No pronouns are used for Reader.  There is cuddling, bedsharing, and some sweetness, but not romance in the way a lot of people think about it. I think that touch is great and can be a wonderful way of communicating in all relationships, including platonic relationships, so there are some quick kisses, hugs, hand holding, etc.

You'd first met him when helping Rex with some clones who escaped The Empire. They were all stressed and in need of serious help. You ran into him and Gregor on the lower levels of Coruscant. You were selling some speeder parts to another vendor and they were looking for some specific ship parts. One thing led to another and Wolffe's visits to your shop became more frequent. You liked him. He was quick-witted and kind. You weren't sure exactly what you thought about him, just that he had a special place in your heart. Sex wasn't for you. Romance wasn't for you either, but you loved his company. 

Sometimes he would sit with you while you tinkered in the shop, trying to fix something for him while he waited.  You didn’t give too much away at first, but as you got to know each other, you opened up more and so did he.  Like his brothers, he had been through a lot in the war.  You thought he was brave and thoughtful and still managed to keep a sense of humor after all that.  

Wolffe was there the day you broke down and admitted you needed a fresh start and had decided to sell your shop and find some other place in the galaxy. You apologized, knowing they depended on you, but knew life on Coruscant was getting too dangerous to stay.

"Come with us," he said. "There's room for you and we could use your skills. Besides, I'd miss you if I didn’t get to see you again."

You were shocked at first, but within a week a half dozen clones scoured what supplies and parts you had left in your little workshop. You told them to take what was needed and were able to sell the shop and what was left as-is. Wolffe helped you carry your few personal belongings to the ship he now lived on with some of his brothers. You walked away, at least grateful to have someone who cared.

“Everything will work out,” he said.  You smiled up at him and nodded.  You hoped so.

Wolffe helped you get settled in your own bunk on the ship.  Room was rather scarce, but there was some space for each of you.  You traveled with them, helping other clones escape, but found yourself helping the most with everyday tasks.  Cooking, fixing clothes, knowing when to barter, trade, or flat out buy something, and how to fix items.  These were all things they had never had to worry about before. Food was in the mess, they dropped off their blacks to get fixed if they ripped, and they never worried about money or buying supplies during the war.  The GAR took care of it, even if the food wasn’t particularly delicious or plentiful.

One night, as you sat in the cockpit together, keeping an eye out for any problems on the backwater planet you’d settled on for the night, Wolffe decided to make his feelings known.  He turned to you and rubbed the back of his head before taking a deep breath.

“I care about you, you know.”

You looked at him and smiled. “I know. And I care about you.”

“I mean, I think I am in love with you,” he replied.

You felt butterflies in your stomach.  Somehow you knew he felt this way and you worried that if he knew the truth about how attraction worked for you, he wouldn’t want anything to do with you and you’d lose your dearest friend.

“Wolffe, I…” you thought about where to start, but it was clear his heart was sinking with worry that you didn’t think about him the same way.  You reached out and held his hand.  He slowly let his fingers close around yours as you continued.

“I don’t experience romantic attraction. I also don’t like sex. I have never wanted to have sex.  It’s not you.  I actually… I love you too… just maybe in a different way.”

He let a cautious smile spread across his face.  You were in it now and he hadn’t rejected you yet.  You might as well lay it all out.  As if he knew you needed another bit of strength, Wolffe squeezed your hand a little, reminding you that he was still there with you and wanted to hear what you had to say.

“I may not be attracted to people in those ways, but I definitely have feelings for you, Wolffe.  More so than Rex or Gregor or my other friends and certainly more than I did for my family.  But I understand if that’s not enough.  It’s never been enough for anyone else.”

He held your hand and reached out to caress your cheek with his thumb. “Is this okay,” he asked, pausing just before touching your face, and wanting to be near you but not wanting to overstep.  You nodded and smiled, somewhat surprised by his reaction to what you just said.

“It’s more than enough for me and it’s more than okay,” he said.  “And if you don’t believe me, let me show you.  Give me a chance to love you how you want to be loved.”

You leaned into the hand still holding your cheek.  You relaxed a little, trying to not let old worries bother you.  Right now, you felt understood and embraced for who you were.

It took a little time, but you both slowly had conversations about where the boundaries were.  You loved cuddling and Wolffe was all too happy to welcome you into his bunk. He swapped sheets and blankets with your old bunk so that you could be comfortable with what was familiar, but the temperature on the side of the ship with his bunk was more to your liking, so you moved your stuff over.  

The first night together started a little awkwardly, but you felt so safe when he put his arm around your waist and asked, “Is this okay?”  You assured him it was.  Wolffe was normally so sure of himself and confident in combat, but with you he was only confident when he was sure you were on the same page.  He wanted to get it right.

“Can I kiss your cheek,” he asked.  You nodded.  

“Do you like kisses, Wolffe?”

“Yes.”

You kissed his cheek in return and rested against him.  It felt so right.  You fell asleep together and got some of the best rest of your life.  Wolffe’s presence felt like a weighted blanket - not controlling or restricting, but calming.

A few mornings later he woke up before you and as soon as he realized his morning wood was against your leg, he pulled away.  You woke up from the sudden movement and asked what was wrong.

“I’m sorry,” he said.  “I didn’t want you to think I…”  He looked down and wasn’t sure what to do.

“It’s okay,” you said.  You rubbed your eyes and laid back down, unsure of what else to say.

“I never want to pressure you,” he said.  “I didn’t want you to think I was.”

“You haven’t.”  You smiled, picked up his hand, and kissed the back of it.  You got up to use the refresher and you both went about your day.  Later in the evening, you found some time together.  Wolffe sat next to you and held your hand. It was becoming one of your favorite things.  Gregor joked that you were attached at the hands instead of at the hips before he got up and walked toward the cockpit for his watch.  You loved that.  Wolffe’s hands were somehow hard and soft at the same time, like him. It felt grounding.

Once you were alone, you brought up his earlier reaction to his body functioning normally and promised him you didn’t mind.  You knew he couldn’t control what his body did while he slept.  At the same time, it felt like you should bring up the topic of intimacy.  You asked if he was really okay with being with you and not having sex.

He scoffed and replied, “My hand and a couple toys have always been enough for me.”

You laughed a little at his honesty, but loved it.  He leaned toward you and rested his forehead against yours.  “We’re close in other ways.”  

“Yes, we are,” you replied with a warm smile.

After a few minutes, Wolffe tentatively asked something that had been on his mind.

“You said before that having a relationship like this has never been enough,” he said slowly.  “What happened? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m just curious.”

You bit your lip and moved to lean on his shoulder, still holding his hand.  He gave it a little squeeze.  

“I was with couple other people at different times.  Tried the relationship thing. Someone would get to know me, wanted to date, romance, sex, the whole usual thing people normally do.  When I told them I’m not interested in that kind of love and didn’t feel like having sex with them, they would say they understood and it was fine, but eventually it wasn’t enough.  Especially the last person.  He really pressured me.  At that point, I cared about him and yeah, loved him in my own way, and I had sex with him to make him happy.  It didn’t feel right, though, and the relationship didn’t last.”

Wolffe’s breathing got heavier and you glanced up to see anger on his face.  You pulled away, unsure, and his expression immediately softened to one of care and protection.

“I’m not mad at you,” he said, seeing your uncertainty.  “Far from it.  I’m sorry you felt like you had to do that.  It’s not right.”  He put an arm around you and pulled you close, placing a chaste kiss on the top of your head.  You let out breath you didn’t know you were holding in.

“I want to make you happy,” you said.

“You do,” he answered with a broad smile and another kiss to your head.  “You make me so kriffing happy.  You’re enough as you are.”

You only became more inseparable as the years went on.  You came to depend on each other. If anyone asked he would say “we’re together” or “that’s my partner.”  You said the same of him.  He always made you feel special just as you were.  Each night you got into bed together and talked about your day.  You helped each other unwind simply by offering each other comfortable familiarity.  Some night you’d read a holonovel together and discovered you both liked science fiction.

You saw each other through some challenging times, too.  When you were in the Outer Rim and Wolffe’s cybernetic eye stopped working at the end of a mission, he was terrified he lost his sight for good.  You held his hand and ran him back to the ship, reminding him that his other eye was working and he would be okay.  As Gregor and Rex took off, looking for the nearest doctor who could help, you sat with him.  It was clear he was having flashbacks to the war and when he first lost his eye.

“I’m here,” you reminded him.  “I promise it will be okay.  You’re on our ship, Wolffe.  Rex and Gregor are here and we’re going to get you help.”

He looked like a terrified cadet, crying as you held him.  You walked him back to your shared bunk once you were in hyperspace, hoping the familiar sights, smells, and textures would help.

“Please don’t leave,” he asked through tears. 

“I never will.”

Everything turned out okay.  He needed an adjustment to his cybernetic, but was assured it should still last the rest of his lifetime and then some.  That night, you held him, letting him rest his face in the crook of your neck, while you rubbed his back.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” he said.  “I don’t know why I broke down when I could see out of my good eye just fine.”

“It’s okay,” you replied.  “You have nothing to be sorry for. You’ve gone through a lot.  I love you just as you are.”

“And I love you too,” he said, “just as you are too.”

Tagging: @kixs-husband @staycalmandhugaclone

[compassionatereminders]

I am sick of my friends.

I don't need friends around me all the time. I'm not a needy person at all. I just want to start with this.

But what makes me sick of them is that I only exist when they are not in a relationship.

If they are in a relationship they only call me when they need some kind of favor.

If I ever need a talk or anything they are not here for me. But they act like I always have to be there for them. Everytime when they have a fight with their bf and they want to rant I MUST be there for them. But if I need anything... even just a small talk they never have time.

I just give give give. And they just take take take. It's ALWAYS one way friendship. Because I really do want to be the best friend I can be... and them? They are an okay friend when they are not in a relationship. But once a guy enters a picture I'm just a nobody.

I feel like N O N E of women I know take friendship seriously. Because I guess they can always find someone else to rant with. So you're easily replaceable to them.

Why are friendship like this? Why don't people appreciate friendships but they do everything for a romantic relationships?

It doesn't help that I'm aroace and I don't want relationships but I do love my friends.

Friendship is seen as "eh who cares you can always make new friends"

I'm not asking for anything crazy like TEXT ME EVERY DAY, TALK TO ME EVERY DAY, MEET WITH ME EVERY DAY. I'm more introverted so it doesn't bother me of we speak once per week or once per two weeks.

But why must my texts and calls be ignored for a month? And they expect me to call them back or text them in a few hours?

And why are their problems so important that I must listen to their relationship problems for +1 hour (which I wouldn't mind if they would appreciate me as a friend). But if I ever try to tell them something I'm being ignored, they won't return my calls or when I speak to them in person they are not interested in what I have to say.

I feel like I never had a true friendship at all. Maybe when we were kids. Once dating started friendships ended.

I can't tell you why some women aren't prioritizing their friendships alongside their romantic relationships, because I personally value my friends regardless of whether I'm dating anyone. My best guess is that it's a combination of a cultural norm many people don't actively question, and the fact that falling in love can be quite intense and distracting. But I completely understand your frustration, and I definitely don't think you're in the wrong for wanting and expecting more from your friends. I also don't think it's an impossible mission to find "real" friends. Have you considered actively seeking out other aroace people? Because I know you aren't the only one who's frustrated by this tendency to neglect friendships when dating