#NEFF WHAT I FUCKING SAY

[deadpanwalking]

[cosmicdreamt]

❝  I love you, Neff. You know that, right? I just....fucking hell I feel like I'm bad at this you mean a lot to me and I'm grateful to have you as a friend and I'm just....I'm so, so glad I was able to meet you, y'know?  ❞

And Rae's just...gonna gently reach up to squish her...words...feel like they're failing him a bit so...squimsh.

Whaddya Think? ( Accepting ) || @mundanemiseries feat. Raven

She can tell how hard he's trying to get the words out, but is seems his emotions may be more than she can express. Honestly it's one of the sweetest things she could ever experience and it tells her more than he ever realizes.

She can't help but smile under squished cheeks, resting her hands on his and holding them ever so gently.

"Yeah, I know. I love you too, Rae. You know I'm always gonna be here for you, right? Like I may not always know what to do or what to say...but I can promise I'll be here no matter what."

[stellarhistoria]

"You should dress me up sometime." It was a spur of the moment idea, but the idea of getting dressed up in something she normally wouldn't sounds kinda fun. She'd love to see what Aryin thinks Neff would look best in.

"Oh! I would love to dress you up! I─"

Aryin pauses for a moment, at first going to say that she has a bunch of dresses and suits back on the ship, only to have to stop herself from even mentioning the ship. She... doesn't know what she can say, thus she's going to refrain from mentioning that she has a fucking world hopping, lightspeed travelling, wormhole creating spaceship made by the most brilliant minds of her era. Yep. Keeping her mouth shut.

"What's your type of style? We can go clothes shopping right now, actually. I've got the time and I have got the money. I know a few good places, since I've been searching around after you told me about the stuff about fitting properly 'n all that."

@cosmicdreamt

[sublunary-supernatural]

@cosmicstardreamer

Balder in the background at Neff as she talking with @accursedfortune

"Oh. I guess I'm getting wine cause I SEE."

The Nightmare, now forever having bragging rights.

[jimmymcgools]

a couple of people have asked me what i thought of 6x09! i was wary of posting about it because i don’t want to seem like i’m dismissing anyone who felt disappointed or betrayed by the episode. those feelings are real and i’m never going to argue with how someone really feels. so i don’t mean any of this as an argument, just as some thoughts from someone who’s thought about these two and their relationship a whole awful lot.

but i really loved the episode! i loved it so much i’m, like, burning with giddy excitement for whatever’s coming up. i have NO idea. bring it the fuck on.

i love how it clicks into the show. we’ve had six seasons of self reinvention and self immolation (sorry chuck). jimmy selling himself and then violently loathing the version of himself that people have bought (hello, neff copiers). it all clicks so perfectly into this kim who looks at herself and the death around her and the fact that she (per rhea) was ready to kill, that her only option with to shoot an unknown man? and so she decides to rip herself out of her body and her life and everything around her. another clean slate.

(i wanted to say “to start fresh” but i don’t even know if it goes that far -- it’s just the only way she can carry on. this feels so true and faithful to her character, to me. she’s not soulless. neither of them are.)

i also have always been obsessed with the juicy drama of hollow shell saul, and i’m glad we got it! not to say i wouldn’t have been happy with alternatives, too, but. oh boy. he’s plastering the town in billboards. he’s making his radio commercials louder and louder and louder. he’s screaming in there.

he’s drowning himself in kim’s invention.

i always felt sure kim and jimmy were going to break up, and i’m glad it happened here. this lets the repercussions ripple through the story, lets sun set for the various dark nights of the soul.

and then... i hate speculating. i refuse to do it, famously, ask anyone. but the little voice in my head that hopes for the more reconciliation-leaning ending is that much happier, now.

i keep thinking about everything bob's been saying about sometimes people learning the right lessons and healing and like.... this feels like such a step on the path for that ultimate goal, to me. it just clicks in so narratively well. burning everything back to nothing and then seeing what could grow.

[queencolondarkwing]

“Inventing Anna” and the Importance of Bias in Perspective

So I watched “Inventing Anna” about the Anna “Delvey” Sorokin and I also read the article from Vanity Fair article “ Inventing Anna Is a “Dangerous” Distortion, Says Rachel Williams”https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2022/02/inventing-anna-delvey-netflix-real-rachel-williams.  Rachel Williams was portrayed as disloyal and a “user” on the show while Anna’s other friends are shown as simply being drawn in by charisma.  I wondered why she would be portrayed as the only person in Anna’s circle who “took advantage” of a rich friend (ignoring the irony that Anna literally is the one actually taking advantage of people - poor and rich alike).  Why is Rachel being portrayed as a user in a bad way but Anna is portrayed as a user in a sexy way?

I also read the interview with her old friend Neff Davis who is the only one of her old friends still on her side.  This is what shed to light on Rachel’s portrayal to me.  Neff consulted on the show.  The original reporter also helped make the show.  Which REALLY explains the glamorizing of Anna and making her look like such a genius when there is no real proof she was one to the degree she wants to be seen as one.  Why they glamorized how she looked, acted, dressed, and made her seem like a twisted genius.  Also blamed her parents who are just working class people who there is no evidence did anything wrong.

I don’t mind conning rich people.  Fuck the rich.  Eat the rich.  They are garbage.  I love me a good guillotine.  But how Anna treated service workers and non-wealthy friends like Rachel is pretty gross tbh.  The show has been called out by everyone (Even Anna - despite her still using the money to pay her court fees).  There are dumb perspectives here.  The reporter and Anna are just...two shallow characters tbh who the show tries and fails to make us sympathize with.  Idk.  I liked the show.  But I find the way characters are portrayed to be largely fictional.  I’m taking it all with a grain of salt.  It is a show that glamorizes Anna to give her the fame that she wants and that also give reporter, Jessica Pressler, a chance to further save her own reputation after the  Mohammed Islam debacle...

It just feels...so biased.  It is for Anna to get fame and money and Jessica to take a center stage.  And for our entertainment.  I’m refusing to take any of it as real events.  But the show was a fun watch.

[chubby-maimaki]

hi neff!! 45 sounds like fun 🥰💕

Hi, my gorgeous fellow greek <3 I hope you enjoy this @anastasia-93-daybidaylove

After an exhausting day at work, Chloe Beale couldn't wait to return home for a nice hot bath and an evening with her long-time girlfriend Beca and their two pups, Oliver and Daisy. Beca was supposed to be already at home, her shift ending way earlier than hers, but she did text her anyway to make sure that their plans were still the same and that Beca hadn't arranged anything else.

Beca hadn't responded yet, Chloe had sent that text 45 minutes ago, but that didn't bother Chloe. Unlike her, Beca wasn't always glued to her phone and there were many occasions where Beca left it at home and Chloe had to bring it to her at work.

Chloe on her way home decided to make a quick stop at her favorite bakery, a craving for chocolate cake was taunting her the whole day. She didn't find anywhere near the bakery to park, thus parking a few blocks away. She wasn't really the person to look inside a shop when she was passing by them, but she didn't know what made her do it that day.

And she was glad she did. There she was, her girlfriend Beca, in a coffee shop a block away from the bakery, sitting across another woman. Chloe knew she looked familiar but jealousy took over anyway. They looked really cozy, even Beca who wasn't a big fan of PDA, was hugging this woman, in a way Chloe had never seen her hug another person...well except for her. Tears started gathering in her eyes and she moved away quickly not wanting Beca to see her.

Chloe couldn't believe what she had just seen. Beca, her Beca, the person she loved more than anyone else in the world, was cheating on her. With a woman who looked at least a decade younger than her.

Chloe tried to bring to mind Beca's behavior the past few weeks. She wasn't distant or anything. Maybe she had been a little, but Chloe blamed in on the excessive shifts she had taken. Never in a million years, Chloe would have guessed that.

She made it back to her car and tears running now freely down her face. She would deal with Beca at home.

Beca came home an hour after Chloe. She was still dressed in her uniform and she had a big smile on her face.

Chloe was sitting on the couch and avoided looking at Beca. Beca was all glowy and stuff...and Chloe was... well...miserable and had neglected. Of course, Beca would fall for someone younger and shinier.

"Hey, princess," Beca said more cheerful than Chloe would like to. Chloe had made a promise to herself not to make a deal out of this before making sure that Beca was indeed a cheater but that smile and that glow made it all clear for her.

"Where were you?" Chloe asked harshly, taking Beca by surprise.

"Uhm, I was at work. Chief made us stay longer for a meeting. I tried calling you on my way home but you wouldn't reply." Beca said while sitting next to her girlfriend. The moment Beca sat on the couch, Chloe stood up taking the seat opposite to her, on the armchair. She didn't want Beca anywhere near her right now.

"Lies. Just lies." Chloe laughed but it wasn't a happy one.

"What are you talking about?" Beca asked confused.

"I saw you Beca. I saw you in the coffee shop with that younger woman, hugging and being all couple-y and in love."

"I know what I'll say is a cliche and but this was definitely now what it looks like, Chloe. Let me explain to you."

"Explain what? That you are cheating on me with a younger woman? That you are lying to me? Or that you haven't had the balls to tell me that you don't love me anymore?"

"Wow, Chloe, slow down. I never lied to you." Beca tried.

"You didn't tell me the truth either."

"Because you haven't let me fucking explain to you!" Beca said in exasperation.

"No, Beca, I can't trust anything that comes out of your mouth right now," Chloe said dismissively.

"Jesus, Chloe, how am I supposed to defend myself if you don't let me?"

"Why would you need to defend yourself?" She asked accusingly.

"Because I. Wasn't. Cheating. On. You." Beca enunciated each word, in hopes of getting through Chloe's head.

Chloe could see she was becoming unreasonable and unfair so she decided to give Beca a chance.

"I want the truth. I can tell when you're lying, Mitchell."

" That girl you saw...it's Emily, my cousin. You would have remembered her if you hadn't been smashed at her brother's wedding. Her mom and my mom are sisters. Half-sisters."

Oh crap, Chloe thought. She remembered Emily. Not her face, but Beca talked a lot about her.

"And why did you and Emily meet in secret? Why did you lie to me about you being still at work?"

"Because...Emily, well her mom has something I wanted and she was kind enough to bring it for me from Atlanta." Beca explained.

"Why couldn't you two meet here? I always wanted to meet her anyway." Chloe could still tell that Beca was hiding something.

"Well if you hadn't tried to bite my head off, I'd tell you that she will come for dinner Friday night."

"What did she bring you from Atlanta?"

"Are you interrogating me?" Beca teased.

"Yes," Chloe replied seriously.

Beca took a deep breath. There's no way she was getting out of this without telling Chloe the truth.

"She brought me our grandma's ring. Her brother was supposed to give it to his wife but he's not the one following traditions, so they both suggest I give it to you." Beca revealed.

"I wanted that ring in order to propose to you, Chloe. I've been planning this for the past two months. That's why I've been so secretive. Me, Jesse, Aubrey, and Emily are all working as more secretly as we can to pull this off. And we were so close. One day away to be exact."

"Were you planning on proposing to me tomorrow night?" Chloe whispered. She felt ashamed for thinking that way for her girlfriend. And for acting that way.

"Uh... We had this whole thing planned, restaurant and live music and the ring."

"Beca I can't tell you how sorry I am," Chloe said, her eyes glistening with tears.

"Hey, don't be. To be honest, I don't even know how I managed to keep this from you for two months. I just wanted to propose to you here, but they guys keep insisting on making it grande. Whatever that means." Beca shrugged. Chloe could tell that Beca was bothered by the turn of the events.

From the corner of her eye, she saw Chloe crouching down on one knee.

"Chloe, what are you doing?" Beca asked.

"You wanted this whole thing to be a surprise. This one is definitely a surprise. So..." Beca looked around. She found Bella's, her goddaughter's plastic ring on the coffee table.

"...Beca Mitchell, will you marry me?" Chloe was grinning and Beca was crying.

"Omg, Chloe, yes, of course, I will marry you." She grabbed the plastic ring from Chloe's hands and wore it on her finger before crouching down do and planting small kisses on her girlfriend's face.

"I'm sorry for ruining this," Chloe said between kisses.

"You didn't ruin everything. This is perfect. You are perfect."

"I love you, Beca Mitchell."

"And I love you too, Chloe Beale."

[transastronautistic]

Reblogging with more from their conversation — the catch 22 of burnout; developing a litmus test and healthy coping skills for burnout

PATRICK: But to answer your question, how am I doing now? I still feel it and I can't connect the dots between what is still recovery from surgery and what is also this autistic burnout piece. I think that they're both kind of intensifying the other. Does that make sense?

MEGAN: Oh, absolutely.

PATRICK: I just feel like, if I'm typically running on like at 100%, right now I feel like I'm at like 20%. So, it's pretty depleted. And then, the question becomes like, how do you replenish that to even get to a place where you can at least get through the day and the tasks that you've created for yourself?

I think that's a Catch-22 of being an autistic entrepreneur, because, in New Orleans, I was saying thinking, "Okay, you're going to Costa Rica to speak at a conference" — which I actually backed out of today and I feel very proud of myself for doing — "And then you're hosting a retreat in Ireland." And I just kept thinking, "I can't do this stuff." Like, this is my world right now.

...I'm going to be doing very little until I leave to go to Ireland in March because I want to conserve and like, regenerate, and replenish as much energy as I can. But here's the Catch-22 to that, Megan: Ireland will then take all of it and more. So, you're playing this catch up game all the fucking time of like, how do I replenish? How do I recharge if I'm constantly depleting?

MEGAN: I wonder if, not necessarily better, but an alternative term for demand avoidance would be like, energy scarcity mindset of, like demand avoidance is so logical, based on what you're just describing of you have to store up energy for six weeks to go do a 10-day thing and then you have to recover from it. Yeah, energy scarcity mode. Can we make that a thing?

PATRICK: Yeah, I think we could definitely make that a thing...

MEGAN NEFF: I'm thinking of, like, when I get an alert on my iPhone, or like, Apple Watch of like, you have low battery, would you like to go into low power mode? Where it's like, okay, all of the things that are draining power, we're going to turn it off. It's kind of like living in low-power mode. And then when that becomes your life, I think it's hard to not be depressed.

PATRICK CASALE: Yep, because...then you can't say yes to the things that do bring you satisfaction and joy... Like, I feel like I don't want to interact with people. And that's a good indicator for someone like myself to acknowledge like, this is where I'm at, because I thrive on the connection that I have. And for me to want to avoid that at all costs is usually a very good indication of like, okay, we've arrived here, and this is where we're at.

MEGAN NEFF: I love that you have a litmus test of like, this is my gauge of I know kind of where my power mode's at. For you, it's kind of how you respond to connections. For me, it's how I respond to ideas or books. And this was before I realized I was autistic. I've always been an avid reader. I love philosophy. I love kind of existential deep books and reading, and playing with ideas...

But those moments in my life where I couldn't pick up a book, I couldn't listen to a podcast that had ideas, I couldn't take in any new ideas, that was my litmus test. ...I think it's really helpful for people when they know what their litmus test...of, oh, this is a sign, I'm entering low power mode, I'm entering burnout.

...So, I would say, I'm like, yeah, 50%. If you're at 20%, I would say I'm at 50%, because I still have things that can spark my curiosity. When I'm in deep burnout nothing sparks my curiosity.

PATRICK CASALE: And I think that's the exact point right there, that's it. You just nailed it. Something can spark your curiosity, but if it can't that is a great indication that that is where you are, that you are in autistic burnout. 

And I want all of you listening to think about what are the things that spark your curiosity? What are the things that you feel really, like, energized by and passionate about, interested in? If nothing is coming to mind right now, if you're feeling any of the things that Megan and I are talking about, could be a very good indication that that's where you're at, as well. 

...I don't have anything else to add today. I think I'm hitting my limit. So, I'm going to be honest about that on air. And, yeah, I think that's where I'm at.

MEGAN NEFF: I love that. And that's perhaps the best you asked about, like, what can people do to help with burnout? I think that's actually probably one of the best things is to recognize when we're at our limit and honor it.

Megan's Resources for Autism and Burnout: 

How to Spot Autistic Burnout: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/autistic-burnout-symptoms

What Causes Autistic Burnout: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/what-causes-autistic-burnout

Autistic Burnout Recovery: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/autistic-burnout-recovery

Autistic Burnout Workbook:  https://neurodivergentinsights.com/neurodivergentstore/p/autistic-burnout-guide-and-worksheets

Two AuDHD mental health professionals discuss Autistic Burnout

DR. MEGAN NEFF: What if the recovery from autistic burnout is depressing — like in the sense of like, isolation, darkness? Like, what a brutal Catch-22 if what we need for our bodies to recover are also things that disconnect us and slow our bodies down to a degree that we're then losing connection with the things that give our life meaning and joy...

PATRICK CASALE: Yeah...And you and I are both ADHD. The ADHD parts of me are like, "This is fucking terrible. Like, laying here, doing nothing, not creating, not feeling energized, not feeling like there's a spark or something to get excited about." And the autistic part wins every time, because it's like, waving the white flag, right? Of like, "I can't. Like, I can't do more than I can do right now."

- From the Divergent Conversations podcast, episode 2: Autistic Burnout (click to listen / read transcript)

[bowlingwithplanets]

I’ve been watching Inventing Anna while crocheting a blanket and Anna is really fucking annoying me. I’m on the seventh episode and I honestly can’t stand her. She’s so rude, inconsiderate, and manipulative. 

The whole thing that happened in Morocco angered me. I feel so bad for Rachel, Anna really screwed her over. And then for Neff to say it’s Rachel’s fault, when she wasn’t even there. Then when Anna called Morocco a “dirty country” I got so angry. My best friend is from Morocco, I couldn’t help but feel insulted on her behalf. And I hope she doesn’t watch the show because I know she would get pissed.

But at the same time I’m invested in the story and need to watch until the end. At least to see Anna get what’s coming to her.

[dis--parity]

Mwah! Neff places a gentle smooch to dark locks, offering a soft smile to her company. "You looked like you had a lot on your mind and could use some support. I figure... that you could use a little affection sometimes too, Garis."

『👿』 “... oh.”

It comes out alike to the squeak of a mouse - that sudden realisation that the tenderness xe was subjected to in that instant was xir own to revel in. Xe knew exactly why xe couldn’t say that xe was ever used to it - it’d been years since someone meant something to xem. Was this even the same feeling? Was xe so desperate to cling so desperately to the first sign of genuine kindness from someone, when all xe was used to, all xe’d ever seen xemself was was some repulsive manifestation of things left unsaid?

If xe was understood, would xe still be loved?

No. No, xe can’t let this get to xem. Xe can’t. Xe can’t let that tear beading in the corner of xir eye get any further than that— there it goes. Fuck.

“We... we want so badly to try and tell you we don’t deserve this,” xe chokes out. “But it’s never worked when you do it. Why would it work on you? Can’t kid a kidder. It’s just... we don’t know if it’s too much, or too soon, or if... if it’s just new. It’s been...” Oh, God. She doesn’t even know, does she? Does xe even risk that level of understanding? That level of risk, given what xe already thinks xe knows?

“... years. Seven years. No... yeah. Seven years. But... this is different. And-... and we don’t know how to handle that, and-... and we’re sorry. We-... I’m sorry-”

[atendersun-archived]

Who are some of Muu's closest friends? And does he mind to be friends with kids, old people? Neither gender is not an issue for friendships?

For simplicity reasons, I'm breaking this down into different points:

Muu's main goal in life is to experience having friendships (and even romantic relationships as well) that are built on a strong foundation between both parties it includes. Although he may be the type of person that needs to be explained the same thing over, and over again until it reaches a point in which it is more frustrating than anything else, he is not so dense that he is oblivious to the fact that he isn't exactly ideal friendship material. He's not really great at making other people around him aware of the fact that he deeply cares about them, since he seems too interested in talking about himself than hearing about anyone else, his interests are not incredibly age appropriate or all that interesting, s, and he is far more sensitive than what is probably necessary for a twenty four year old man. With all of that being said, however, he is so self aware of the downfall of his differences that he wants more than anything to give everyone a chance at being his friend as a way of bettering his odds of finding people that will actually have the patience and willingness to keep him around.

With that being said, anyone and everyone is indiscriminately treated by him as someone he is eager to get to know and get to like him. Age, gender, sexuality, socioeconomic status, etc. None of it particularly matters to him just as long as he either receives kindness from them to some extent, or he THINKS he can earn said kindness by pleasing them in some way. This has understandably led to a lot of toxic friendships in which the other party has made it clear they want nothing to do with him, or they make it abundantly clear that they are only utilizing him for some sort of manipulative gain, and yet he knows there is still some chances that he might repeat those behaviors. Something he's learned from spending too much of his free time on Tiktok, though, is that the anxiousness that presents itself with attempting to receive something other than neglect or abuse from someone that will never give any proper praise is addicting to the brain. That it begins to feed off of the fear and uncertainty in those moments so frequently that it begins to crave it. In a way, he knows that is why he tends to find himself placing himself into purposefully dangerous situations, or back into the company of people he knows won't truly respect him as a person. It is because not only does he subconsciously feel that negative attention such as that might be the only thing he truly deserves to have instead of selfishly asking for unconditional love instead, but also because he thrives off of the abuse in some way. Lately though, however, he really has made nothing but really wonderful friendships with people that have made it very clear that they genuinely enjoy his company, and want what is best for him, so it has really been a challenge in rewiring his brain to expect that condition of living instead of slipping into a state of survival mode that can make or break how he is treated that day.

In the past, Muu would have definitely stated that he preferred male friendships on the basis of having someone he could turn to for protection and security as someone that wasn't particularly very strong physically and emotionally. As time shifted to places in which that security and protection was not offered to him, or was overstepped completely when placed into very dangerous circumstances involving himself and another man, Muu found himself gravitating more towards women. To him, they are safer company. They tend to respond to his emotional needs in a way that is more caring instead of belittling him, or responding aggressively. Also, even though a lot of his friendships with women typically cross a line into something more than friends with the addition of sexual intimacy, he has not felt an underlying sense of predatory behavior like he has with some of the men he claimed to be his friends in the past.

Trigger warning for the information ahead. Basically, the most condensed version of the answer to male vs female friends that I can offer to old & new muns alike is: Muu doesn't have the same experience of being able to state that he's been consistently emotionally, verbally, physically, and even sexually abused by female friends as he can with the men he admired to the point he blindly trusted them through some really difficult times, so, therefore, he just generally feels safer around women more than men. He's really trying to work through that though, and bring himself to a point in which he can really let go of all of that in favor of having the strong male friendships he always wished to have growing up.

I am basically just rattling off names at this point. I am sure I can locate more as well, but it is getting late here so who I am able to think of at this hour is under the cut:

Adrian and Gael of @romantxcxsm quickly come to mind because both have, right from the gate, been nothing but genuinely very kind to him. Muu assumed to really only consider Gael as a threat in the sense of having to fight him as an act of making himself the most dominant person the room from taking down the biggest guy he saw, but he never anticipated him and Adrian actually being the most emotionally intuitive people he's ever met. Muu could probably listen to Adrian just chatter on about being this seemingly extroverted person who takes people in on a whim without a second guess for hours. Same as he could just stare at Gael in knowing that even though they only seem like a tall, quiet to the point of almost being mysterious, they actually very sweet and sensitive underneath that exterior.

Hannah @kannojo. aka his wife at this point. This woman right here is his absolute ride or die. She's put up with his ass since they were just teenagers that got into petty fights that he always started. At any point, she could have easily beat his him to a pulp, but she didn't. Instead, she fell for him against all the odds. For her to hold out for him to stop talking about men that struggled to even provide him the bare minimum in a relationship is astonishing. Out of everyone he's essentially knew since he was sixteen up until now, she has been the person he could always go to no matter what. When day after day he faced an absurd amount of ridicule from people in his social circle that berated him and beat him over him being himself, and for wanting to be their friend regardless of it all, it was Hannah he could go to when he needed some to cry to. Her love has carried over from the time he was an annoying young man that was only obsessed with boys and himself, over to when he was so down and depressed that he believed he had no worth as a person based on how others were treating him, and it still exists today as a very queer man just trying to work through an asinine amount of trauma. that's his lady right here ♡ fucking hetereos

Neff @cosmicstardreamer This lady is too all knowing that it baffles him how quickly she can figure things out about him before he can even say it himself. Never would he have guessed for them to become so connected so quickly that he can basically safely tell her anything. Aside from Hannah, who was always just an arm's length away from him telling her everything as it was happening, Neff is still the only one of a few people that know the existence of the assaults he has endured, even if she may not know the specifics of them. While he can not explain it in words, there is at least a particular feeling that he experiences in her company that he feels very rarely in the company of other people. And, to him, that feeling is of completely safety. While she might be off the hook of having to hear him go on about his ex every five minutes, she is unfortunately not out of bounds of having to hear him chatter on about how Tiktok has made him want to learn how to read tarot cards.

Hisao @angstiism. He can't quite put his finger on it, but there is something about the anxiousness that has kept him drawn to him throughout the entirety of them knowing each other. There has been a shift in their relationship as friends, though, as in the past Muu actually looked to the younger male as if the roles were reversed. Almost as though he was seeking safety in them as he saw Hisao as someone very mature and more understanding of things than maybe he felt his other friends were. Nowadays, though, he just keeps trying to make sure Hisao knows that he is the one being taken care of now. Hisao was also someone present in his life when shit was DARK so he has that to navigate as an adult male trying to move beyond a lot of it. Trigger warning again: Though he might have no intention of actually verbally acknowledging it at where they stand as mature adults, having that one friend to show and discuss the children's books on the topic of sexual abuse during a time when he was so very concerned with / very much so craving validation on whether or not being molested in his late, late teens was his fault. It is a memory he holds very dear to himself within the confines of his own heart.

Pchan @nvrcmplt. This right here is his alien. Muu has always found him to be interesting on behalf of the fact that he was sure he had never met an alien before he met this one. Surprisingly, he has never really taken too much of an interest in finding out more about the exact species and abilities the extraterrestrial as up until maybe recently. He's kind of vaguely known them to have something to do with sex as he's been aware of the kinds of friendships and interactions the other has, but since he himself has very conflicting opinions on sex he really never opts to dive deep into learning more about how something unhuman experiences coitus. Now that their friendship has moved well beyond teenager / young man and his alien buddy to an adult man finally taking the time to actually get to know his friend in ways that don't feel as though they underlyingly childish, he feels almost like a whole new sensation when in the company of the alien. He would describe it as wonder mixed in with comfort. As in he is more apt to actually effectively comprehend experiences the alien has had that make up their personality as being something other than "that's my alien friend. he has lots of sex and is nice to me". Also, Muu has no apologizes for trying to beat up Sergio on Pchan's behalf, even if he didn't actually know the circumstances behind the man informing him that he'd hurt his friend to begin with. He'd gladly attempt to bite that bastard again if given the opportunity.

THERE'S SO MANY AAAAAAAAAAA

Yukio and Kuen of @silvxcs even if he thinks they are buttholes sometimes. Kuen with his inability to communicate effectively and always falling asleep while he is talking to him lol. And Yukio for somehow flipping the script on him and becoming more like a caretaker than he ever anticipated. Also because he specifically paid this man to tell Akatsuki to tell him that he's proud of him while possibly holding him for a moment. He had not paid the other male to rat him out and inform Akatsuki of his concerns about the older male being mad at him. Muu still thinks he is stinky for that.

There is Sully @tximidity and Alex @dis--parity. One he may have known for a long, long time to the point of recalling who they were prior to transitioning, while the other is a new face for him, but he both loves them very dearly. Mainly because both Sully and Alex are soft individuals that have been put through the wringer, and therefore he can talk to them about difficult conversations that he would be concerned going to anyone else about. Alex, for example, is someone he can go to and either talk or listen to gender related issues without any concerns. Sully, on the other hand, he finds interesting in the sense of they are this enigma of manhood like himself even if it is in different ways. Also, Sully is basically required to be his friend at this point because he won't let someone who witnessed him cry about skin cells get away so easily.

he love the muppet @goneborne, shinya is his snuggle buddy and he is not taking no for an answer @floriogrxphy, nich @bclasaeg is a meanie that has a crush on him but wont let him see his boy boobs the same way muu flashed his without any concern. god he really values so many of his friendships with people that i can't fit them all here even though i want to so bad

basically everyone that works at Komachi @welivetoserve is unfortunately trapped into being friends with him, but he has his blatant favorites. In the event he is ever in a life threatening situation where he is only given one phone call to make, he has already decided on Ayumu. That one is very nice, so he likes that one. We all know who the absolute favorite within any association to the club is because he never shuts the fuck up about him, but that sucks on account that I would rather mention how Muu will never not get a kick out of being a tiny bit mean to Mamoru as a means of establishing dominance over the man that could very well just ban him at any moment.

[cosmicdreamt]

“ you can talk to me. ”

Dramatic Prompts (Accepting) || @atendersun

He must have noticed how quiet she was, how distanced, how distracted. Neff was someone filled with contradictions - usually quite reserved unless you can get her to talk and then she’ll talk for as long as you let her. She was always pretty talkative around him, always having something to share so he wouldn’t feel alone, so it’s possible her sudden LACK of talking caused him to say such a thing.

She hesitates, but only for a moment before turning to him and sighing.

“I was...thinking about my mom. I don’t know WHY...but I was. We don’t....talk anymore. Not after what she did. She didn’t always used to be like that though, she....”

Neff sighs.

“Okay. I’ll just....start from the beginning. As fucked up as I am I actually had a very good childhood. My parents got along, they raised me well, we had no issues for years. But then one day something in her just kind of.....changed. She started saying things she normally wouldn’t - started insulting me and my dad, said things to me that....that really hurt me. And especially as someone entering her teens, hitting puberty, as sensitive as I was....I turned to....unhealthy coping mechanisms so I could focus on a different kind of pain. I ended up in the hospital a few times because of it. Couldn’t hide it forever, you know.”

Her face doesn’t hold the same forced smile it usually does when she’s trying to pretend everything is okay. It’s gone. Her façade is surely peeling away, eyes threatening to spill tears as she goes on.

“And then...after years of dealing with that. Of hearing her say things to me that made me...to put it bluntly....want to die. Of hearing her insult her own husband....my dad decided enough was enough. He wasn’t going to let her take everything from him. He already lost his wife, he didn’t want to lose me, too. So....he went out for a drive, went to see if he could find a place we could go to spend time away from her for a while....and he never made it back. And she blamed ME...”

Tears were no longer held back, sob escaping her as hands reach up try to keep them in check, wiping them away.

“She blamed me for it. Told me that if I wasn’t so sensitive, that if I didn’t take things so personally and made her out to be the bad guy he wouldn’t have been out there....and he’d still be alive...”

It’s unavoidable. She breaks down, leaning forward into his chest for comfort. It was too painful a memory, too much for her to handle.

But at least this time she wasn’t alone.

[baphometed]

@gamenu​ says:   ❗ "Why do you try so hard to get rid of me? Do you hate me that much?"

❛      oh  fucking  hell….        ❜        the  witch  rolled  his  eyes  as  nicole  poured  her  feelings  out  at  him.  He  hated  this.  He  hated  this  sort  of  situation  and  if  it  was  up  to  him,  he  wanted  to  just  leave  the  questions  without  any  sort  of  resolution.  She  had  no  reason  to  be  this  invested  in  him.  He  was  a  very  clear  bad  influence  for  her,  and  he  was  not  shy  about  telling  her  that.  Her  trusting  him  would  get  her  killed,  expecially  with  how  she  seemed  to  blindly  trust  him  or  follow  him  into  situations  that  would  hurt  her.  If  she  was  terrified  of  stories  that  triggered  her  imagination;  then  seeing  half  of  the  world  that  he  was  involved  in  would  be  downright  traumatic.  

Maybe  it  was  mercy  that  he  was  doing  this.  To  scare  her  into  keeping  her  distance  from  him.  Lean  her  towards  healthier  people  than  him,  in  Nefeloma.  She  had  the  potential  to  get  stronger  if  she  stayed  with  Neff.  She  needed  a  friend  and  he  was  not  the  type  to  come  around  and  ‘stay’.  Her  attachment  issues  were  the  exact  opposite  of  what  she  needed  from  him  with  his  traveling  and  danger.  

❛      Maybe  I  don’t  want  to  see  you  hurt.  Maybe  it’s  better  you  stay  away  from  me  because  knowing  me  will  get  you  killed?  You  haven’t  done  anything  to  make  me  hate  you.  I  just  don’t  have  time  to  babysit  you.  If  I  stay  here,  they  will  find  you  and  probably  skin  you  alive.          ❜

[nyaruhodou]

long post thats literally just rambling about my (lack of) gender

its really difficult sometimes to talk about situations ive been in without gendering myself? like when i talk about my dnd group i cant say im the only "girl" in the group because im NOT a girl

but unfortunately thats what everyone perceives me as (and i hate it)

i just. i wish i looked more androgynous. every time i post a selfie on here i get like. super anxious that people will see it and think "oh so they're ACTUALLY a girl huh?" and i hate it so much!!!!!

i hate being perceived i hate being gendered i hate having to perform femininity for my family and the people back home, i wish i had the bravery to experiment more with my style and presentation but im such a fucking coward

and then theres the professor who had, on the first day, been super awesome about making sure to accomodate his language for nonbinary people, he was all like "because this is a professional academic setting i will refer to all of you by your title and last name, please tell me if you want to be called ms., mr., miss, mx., or another form of address"

and that shit made me so happy!!! ive never been given that option before!!! so i told him i wanted to use mx., and he was super cool about it, and started using it immediately and it made me feel super affirmed... then on the next day of class he was like "some people have come to me with concerns about using this form of address so ive decided to just refer to you by first name to avoid any problems" which would be fine, i would still be called Neff and not [REDACTED], but then he started talking about how gender can be complex and confusing to navigate and i was thinking to myself "welp i guess that means someone complained about being nonbinary inclusive 🙃"

and then today...... so i had told him the first day of class about my pronouns, and he was like "oh yes of course" and also the class roster lists pronouns if the students specified them in the system....... but today during the classroom debate, he referred to me multiple times as "she" and idk... i didnt want to interrupt him bc he emphasized in the beginning the professional aspect of the class.... and im so scared of confrontation so i couldnt say anything after class either.....

the complexities of being agender but also being a coward who cant stand up for themself 🤡

[chilewithcarnage]

also like the whole 'barbie becomes a real woman at the end of the movie by getting a pussy' aside. this movie was gender essentialist as hell despite there being no in depth talks about gender outside of like 2010s tumblr infographic/girl boss-esque feminism. I also hate how facetious the diversity in this movie is. like the more I thought about things after my first watch, it had my head reeling on how shit doesn't make sense in this world like...

okay so it's a canonical fact that the Barbies are aware of the real world and what occurs in it. They obviously have enough knowledge of the real world and history to make a fucking small pox joke. okay so given this, colonialism is a thing that is canonical to this movie. every subsequent thing that happened after Christopher Columbus' fuckass sailed the ocean blue in '92 occured. this means that colonialism existed, slavery existed, fucking...the civil war the alamo trail of tears, manifest destiny, reconstruction era, jim crow the civil rights movement black panthers mlk/malcolm x assassination, race riots, the crack/aids epidemic police brutality...

all of this shit is canonical to the barbie movie universe.

that being said, it's really fucking weird that this movie goes out of its way to showcase the black and brown barbies with no acknowledgement to race whatsoever. like how the fuck does issa rae barbie being president in barbieland matter when the people in the real world that look like her are getting gunned down in the streets by cops? like does she know about these things? does she specifically stay in this world because the real world for black people is much too painful and she's essentially a figure head with no real power and she can only stand back and watch as her people are disenfranchised in some of the worst ways possible?

like fuck stereotypical barbie contemplating her purpose; this is something much more compelling imo (im not gonna speak on xochitl's barbie or simu's ken cause like I don't belong to the Latino/Asian communities and don't have the knowledge to speak on those issues).

also another gripe, it's funny how barbieland is supposed to be this utopia that centers women and is free of misogyny and sexism; but in turn it ends up being white eurocentric and gender essentialist as hell. Like why does this utopia look like the stereotypical portrayal of a 1950s American WASP Suburban upper middle class community. this is supposed to be a land free from misogyny and other -isms but the one barbie that manages to deviate from how Barbies are 'supposed' to look is ostracized and called ugly. in a world free from misogyny and other -isms, why and how does the concept of ugly even exist?

isn't it telling how the barbie with short hair, eccentric fashion, a face that's not baked, and messed up legs is a pariah in this utopia. something something ableism, something something any inkling of gender non conformity or non conformity in the slightest is met with ridicule.

speaking of gender. i feel like something powerful, well maybe not even powerful but at least worthwhile could've occured if there was like...any acknowledgement to hari neff's transness with her barbie. like there's some kinda throwaway line that Allan makes in the movie that I forget but people hopped on it and were like 'oh Allan's nonbinary haha' or whatever idk, grasping at straws etc. But like I said it felt like the movie (and Mattel) were going out it's way to pat itself on the back with it's diversity with the casting; but like if you don't make any kinda acknowledgement towards what makes the characters diverse like...you might as well not even bothered. idk maybe even something as simple and hamfisted as her saying something like 'they (Mattel) gave me the wrong name/clothes/box at first...' idk something. and also why no butch Barbies? If Barbie can be anything why cant she masculine? Would that have been to confusing or too much to handle with the clear distinction between the Barbies and Kens (did I mention this movie has a gender essentialist problem?). and idk I guess one could argue that gnc barbie can't exist cause that'd bring up the concept of queerness and I think? it's supposed to be implied that the dolls lack any form of sexuality, sexual attraction, or desire to have sex cause they don't have genitals? (like dolls aren't just emotionless plastic husks they have thoughts and feelings and relationships but I guess only platonic nonsexual ones). I mean fair point or whatever but extremely missed opportunity to do something somewhat progressive

the barbie movie would've succeeded if actually didn't have anything to do with feminism I'm just saying

[viktoricedaddynikiforov27]

Part One of craziest year of my life: Seventh Grade (The locker room shitshow)

Okay, backstory. I wanted to make this to document the most absolutely batshit year of my life. Literally everything bad or interesting to happen to me happend when I was in seventh grade. This was several years ago, so I will try to keep these events in chronological order, but I may mix some of them up. These didn't happen all at the same time, but over the span of the year. Lemme just say, my luck was pretty shit.

To clarify the circumstances. In seventh grade I met my best friend,still to this day, Kayla. Kayla is a year and a half younger than me. But she looks much older. So she was in sixth grade. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Kayla, but she's a crazy bitch, in a good way. She has slight anger issues and is insanely strong. This is the reason why a lot of people are scared of her. Because she will beat your ass, especially if you mess with her friends.

I wasn't super close friends with her instantaneously, but at this point in the year we were really close. The way the locker rooms were set up were so there was a small hallway where there was a door and an open door way, the doorway let to a small office thing that had a glass window so that the aide could watch us (yeah, that worked out well...) The back part of the room has two little walls that acted as another "sheild" of sorts, because there was a door to the outside there. In the far right corner of the room, in-between the wall and the partition, was a single bathroom stall with a sink. Another friend of mine dressed in the stall because she was shy. So I dressed in that little space next to the sink. There was a group of girls that dressed directly in front of the opening to the little cubby thing, so I was behind them. Kayla dressed across the room, against the wall on the other side of the room.

(Note: this was a few weeks after I came out as bisexual. While living in a very christian/conservative area. Land of the rednecks. I shit you not my school had a tracter day where u drove your tractor to school)

To the actual story lol. So, gym class had ended and we were all changing back into our normal clothes. Here I am barbaque sauce on my tiddies , minded my own business, tying my shoes. When I hear one of the girls say, "can you fucking not?", I look up and after a few seconds I realised that she was talking to me. (Dialogue may not be exact, but the general gist is there)

I was like, "um what?". To which she responded, " don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, stop watching us dress. We all know you get off on that shit. "

At this point the rest of the girls in the locker room were staring at us. I was there looking full Pikachu meme. I swear you could almost here crickets in the few seconds that I sat there completely dumbfounded.

At this point, the only response my brain could come up with was, "uuuuhhhh... What the fuck are you talking about?"

This was apparently not the answer she was hoping for (but like, wtf did she expect me to say to that? How else do you respond to that?!) At this point everyone else in the locker room had stopped getting dressed and just stared at us, I'm assuming just as confused as I was. At this point one of the girls other friends joined in and said something along the lines of, "yeah, ha. We're not fucking stupid, you're fucking disgusting, you know that"

It was this that snapped Kayla out of shock, and unleashed the Protective Mom Instincts™. Kayla shwooped in and defended me. I was so fucking done at this point I hurried and changed and bailed like a bat outta hell. As I storm out, following Kayla, the group of girls walk into the office and as I walk out the door I hear, "Mrs T (who was doing a real shitty job at this point, how the fuck do you not notice girls screaming at each other?!) Sarah Neff and Kayla ****..."

Yeah, I was fucking pissed

Not only did they do that shit, but they also dragged my friend into it because she tried to defend me?!?!

I'm pretty sure I was radiating pure anger at this point. Kayla and I storm up to our gym teacher and tell him that something had happened in the locker room. The bell rang and we left.

I was ligit fuming at this point, I'm talking scowling/heavy breathing/ locker slamming pissed.

I see Mrs T in the hallway and go up and tell her what happened. She said that, yes, the girls had issued a complaint about me.

At this point I'm like, you know what? Fuck it. I put all my shit back into my locker and went straight to the JH principle, who was also the Dean at the time. I explained the situation. Luckily for me, a few girls from the locker room had left before the bell rang and went straight to the office and told him about it. I'm not quite sure what he did to them, but the left me alone for a while after that.

It took almost three or four weeks for the guidance counselor to see me.

We all thought the drama was over and moved on.

And the universe was like "HA! BITCH YOU THOUGHT"

The next story involves the same girls, If you didn't already guess.