#My boredom is killing me so-
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✨💕New B-Komachi 💕✨
But it's young Beethoven(as kana), young Paganini (as mem-cho) and young Schubert (as Ruby) version 😔✊✨
Btw old men version of them- 👩🦯 :
(This is a satire)
#beethoven#classical composer#ludwig van beethoven#classical composer memes#classical composers#franz schubert#schubert#niccolo paganini#panini totally#paganini#cursed image#oshi no ko memes#classical music memes#My boredom is killing me so-#I'm totally sane#And normal#Pls don't send any hate😭😭🙏🙏#This is only a joke#Is meant to be a joke#parody#Oshi no ko x composers crossover real😩💅✨✨#satire#I've already made a Mozart one as Ai hoshino so why not-🌚
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all the other dimensions with evil lunar, lord lunar, lord eclipse-
to unpack that all and with what we have right now.
the brain is turning
#also solar but thats me and my sun!lunar au with him. thats a lil different from the dimensions mentions#because they STEM off the october to a degree#while lord lunar isnt familiar with sun or moon in the slightest. eclipse IS. which the implications to that. hoo boy#lord eclipse being so BORED and so happy a moon AND lunar came to his dimension...#'im so glad i killed u' IDK MAN MOON CALLED U OUT ON UR BOREDOM#anyway just let me stew in this a bit#sun and moon show spoilers#tsams#an episode to be turning in my brain for ages now
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Well, I actually have the most mundane of questions, but it’s been so long since I’ve been in an English class that I feel like I’ve completely forgotten (and I’m curious how you do it): how do you go about reading a book as a class? Do you assign them the chapters to read at home and most of them actually do it? Or do you give them class time to read? Do you have the kids who try to spoil the rest of the book for the class? Basically, how does one teach a book in the year 2024? 😀
And do you have your students annotate inside their books? (I know the English teachers in my school require the students to do that, and I get why, but I inwardly shudder every time I see a student marking up a page.)
Haha I love this question because I too am always asking myself how DOES one each a book in 2024?
It’s sort of a combination. I absolutely assign reading every night (almost) unless it’s Shakespeare or any play in which case we read it all in class. But for a novel there’s a couple chapters a night. I read aloud to them a lot too. Sometjmes I make them read aloud to the whole class, rotating kids who read. Sometimes I assign a chapter to be read in class silently with questions or quotes due at the end of the reading. Sometimes I put them in groups and make them read aloud to each other. There’s no one way that works for sure and of course ultimately I have no control over how much they read and I’m not naive enough to think that most of the reading assigned for homework doesn’t get skipped most of the time buuuuuut.
My bottom line is that I believe it’s my job to get excited about the actual text itself (easier for me in some cases than others but overall pretty easy because it does fill me with excitement) and then commit to taking them on the journey of the story with me. And my goal—that I’m sure I often don’t reach—is to make that experience so much more fun if you have actually read. And the way that I teach is pretty text heavy which is why I always make sure I’ve read the chapters for the day and am not just relying on my memory because the way I do it is just sort of absorbing it all up like a vacuum-cleaner, schwooooop, and then either pulling stuff out of the reading to look at directly or directing them to do the same thing. So the big thing that I have going for me, if any, is buy-in. Is getting kids excited about actually reading the actual text. I also speak often and passionately about the evils of sparknotes etc. not because they help kids get better grades or whatever but because they present you with the husk and shell of a story, stripped of all that makes it interesting, and that by reading that alone they’re reading something so dry and dull and are not achieving what I always want them to achieve —which is, have an Experience with the Literature.
Again, it never works perfectly by any stretch and there are so many ways I want to explore in my quest to get better at it but overall I think, at my very best, I can create this wave of energy and excitement in the story itself which is the most organic and ultimately most helpful way to get them to want to read.
Also no haha. I don’t let them annotate! Though occasionally kids DO of course. But sometimes they bring in their own copies in order to do that. The spoilers absolutely happen and are annoying but I sort of get by it by moving on very quickly and/or talking about how it’s often not the ending but how you get there that makes it interesting. Because that’s just true!
#gosh does this answer make sense#I am so passionate about doing it well and there are huge gaps in my teaching in terms of concrete stuff#but I am doing ….. Something in terms of bringing literature closer to them#and that’s what I want to do!#also love love love the bonus of getting to reread great works over and over until they start sinking into my brain#and I think (well I usually don’t think about it) but I think that the experience for them of watching me read it again#(and sometimes literally I won’t have time to read I need 10 minutes to finish this chapter and tell them to shut up)#(while I sit there and read it)#reminds them that I AM committed to doing the work with them. that I am actually doing it and that I want to!#and idk I think that is both a rarer experience and one that’s kind of underrated in terms of how much warmth it can create#because I have nothing in common with 16 year olds we couldn’t be friends in real life without it being very weird/possibly inappropriate#but in class we have a Thing to be friends about#we have a shared goal! and not just an arbitrary one but a deeply beautiful one#idk. there’s still a lot of boredom a lot of pushback a lot of disinterest#but I’m always amazed at how often kids do want to …. idk sink their teeth into something real#it’s REAL food for their minds. and the hunger for it is there even if they decide they’re too lazy to join the group#my goal is to —merely by the situation itself—make you feel left out of the fun if you refuse to do the work#so you can CHOOSE that but it’s less fun. it’s cold. it’s boring and it’s isolating#because refusing to do the work and insisting on being a little toad SHOULD come with natural social punishments in the form of exclusion#from the best kind of fun. it often does NOT. but yeah. I think I’m also getting better at shutting down toad behavior from adolescent male#this is where teaching co-Ed helps because there are some girls who are like ‘if you stop my learning I will kill you’#not ENOUGH girls but some#ooooof this is a long answer but literally always on my mind#thank you for asking!!! also haha I assumed you were an English teacher yourself!
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boredom and an inability to do anything is really an evil combination. i’m gonna lose my mind in here
#marzi speaks#i’m understimulated but i have no energy#i’m bored but i can’t do any of the things that would cure that boredom#i can’t even walk for too long bc the soles of my feet are Killing me#(which btw might be my blood vessels leaking under my skin. so. fun :)#but hey at least i’m not dealing with outpatient and er vidits#visits* for any flareups i may have in the meantime#at least i have several teams of competent specialists working together to figure this out#man i miss walking normally. i used to bounce all the time#now the thought of doing that makes me wince#when i’m better. i’ll get to do all that when i’m better#i just hope ‘better’ comes soon. i hope whatever this is isn’t chronic#and if it is i hope it can be treated without any injections or iv#i just want normal back. it’s like a depression led by my body instead of my brain
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positivity cancelled i hate my life again
#i forgot how much of a DRAGGGG the middle of the semester is#and it’s so fucking hot still that i think it’s actually starting to affect my outlook on life like i need SEASONS are you kidding me#i moved here so i wouldn’t kill myself from seasonal depression in the pnw and now i just wanna kill myself in a different way like .#ok it's not nearly as bad lets be real but im still annoyed#also fall semester SUCKS bc there’s no mid semester break. only stupid thanksgiving#which is literally a week and a half before winter break anyways like what’s the POINT#and i’m just horrifically bored. yeah it’s the boredom again. always#maybe i should get in another lesbian situationship turned unbearable short lived relationship just to feel something#or maybe i should just be normallllll and make more friends and plan more things to look forward to but no.. that would be silly 😐
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Okay I've been thinking about the lil cute therian fic I've been writing, and I think I know how I wanna end it and it's like. Very much self indulgent not really accurate to the mechanisms canon and way too cute but the thing is I can do whatever I want forever so I think Im gonna do it (I'm only like idk 1/3 done tho so don't get too excited fjdnfjndn)
#okay like im gonna spoil it in tags#this is my warning there will be nothing else in the tags#so basically in the fic youre a dog that got kidnapped by the mechs with a bunch of your coworkers#a heist just for fun and to kill some random people out of boredom#but you survive on the ship bc you hide#but then Tim finds you and at first jonny tells him to kill you like the rest#but tim is like. hold on. that person is not a human i dont think. i don't wanna kill an animal#and jonny is like this is stupid. but whatever. were gonna put it back on earth were not keeping it timothy#and thats pretty much all i have for now#but then you just kinda. hang around on the aurora while youre going back to earth and you meet a few of the other mechs#they all have different reactions to you but in the end everyone somewhat accepts that youre a dog#and i wasnt sure how to end it#one option was to just go back home and be done with this silly little adventure and go back to living a normal life as a person#but youre happy you finally met some people that accept you for what you are even if for a moment#the other option would be to stay on the ship kind of as a pet#but that felt a bit off to me because youre not a literal dog youre a human that is a dog yknow. and that feels a bit too. idk weird#but i think i got the solution#what if. you get mechanized#and your human body is replaced with an anthro dog. so you can still be a thinking person you were but with a body that makes sense#like kind of like a permanent fursuit but more metal#and yeah that doesnt make much sense in the mechs canon like thats too nice of them and ill have to think of a good reason for that#but wouldnt that be just. so cute#like thats honestly the dream#i love robots and i am a dog so. if i could get mechanized to be a steel furry id agree right away like not even think about it#kind of like in that one love robots and death episodes with the kitsune#that scene where she transforms into a robot fox is my favorite in the whole ep i think and it honestly gives me species euphoria#so yeah i think im gonna ignore canon for that one but and give the reader/mc a sweet happy ending#and now youre a doggy pirate in space surrounded by people who are okay with that!!! isnt that the best#therian#bee buzz
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People still suck at writing Sonic the Hedgehog
Interpretations of Sonic outside of media made by Sonic Team often seem either unable or unwilling to reconcile the fact that Sonic is both kind-hearted and intelligent, but I think I've noticed a recent shift in the way writers try to reconcile it.
In general, there seems to be this belief that smart people are inherently more pessimistic toward the world and that kind people are inherently more naive towards it. So, when writing for a character who's both smart and kind, less knowledgeable writers end up flanderizing them in one of two ways:
The first way, which is how Sonic was interpreted in Sonic Boom and prior, is making the character act like a jerk who knows best. At worst, they'll be outright rude towards their closest friends, but any criticism they get for it will be ignored because their opinions are always correct in the eyes of the narrative. At best, they'll sometimes make mistakes and learn lessons about being nicer to other people, which is something their non-flandarized self wouldn't have struggled with.
The second way, which is how Sonic is interpreted now, is making the character a saint who solves everything with friendship. At worst, they'll give absolute tyrants a million chances, but any criticism they get for it will be ignored because their opinions are always correct in the eyes of the narrative. At best, they'll sometimes make mistakes and learn lessons about certain people being unwilling to change, which is something their non-flandarized self wouldn't have struggled with.
You may have noticed I straight up copy/pasted a couple bits of those last two paragraphs. Well, that's because those bits reveal a bit of truth in how Sonic is portrayed by Sonic Team. Sonic's opinions are always correct in the eyes of the narrative, because of the lessons he no longer struggles with. Sonic already learned to balance his desire to give people a second chance with the fact that some people just have to be stopped. When? Since the very beginning. Sonic has always been trying to defeat Eggman for good while also giving second chances to people who he thinks deserve it.
But how do you deal with people who are causing so much harm when you still think they deserve a second chance? Guess what? Sonic answered that straight up in Sonic Adventure 1.
Do me a quick favor and if you can listen to Open Your Heart, specifically the Sonic Adventure 1 version (Click here). You may notice that there're two distinct sets of vocals; One clean and high pitched, and one distorted and low pitched. (And if you're wearing headphones the audio will even pan during the chorus.) For context, this is the song that plays while Sonic is fighting Chaos.
You can figure it out yourself from there, but if you want me to really dig into the topic, feel free to keep reading.
So like, I shouldn't have to say this, but the dark negative voice is Chaos' view and the light positive voice is Sonic's. But notably, they sing together during key points, specifically those related to the anger, sadness, and hopelessness that Chaos has been feeling for ages. Sonic has recognized that 1. imprisoning Chaos as suggested by Tikal wouldn't solve anything because, 2. Chaos is only acting this way due to being blinded by hatred for those he perceives as selfish monsters, and 3. he's still very much currently destroying the world and won't change his mind because he's lost hope that there's anything worth holding on to.
What does Sonic do then? Sonic may be an unstoppable force but Chaos is a seemingly immovable object. Well, he literally uses the positive energy from his friends and within himself to stop Chaos' rampage and prove that there are still good people in the world that want to maintain peace. After he loses the fight, Chaos is able to calm down and see that the cute defenseless chao he'd been protecting ages ago had survived, living among the very people he had assumed could only be power hungry monsters. He's able to let go of his hatred and live a peaceful life understanding that good people still exist and the world is still worth protecting.
And that's where the question is answered. How do you deal with people who are causing so much harm when you still think they deserve a second chance? You do everything you can to stop them, and if they're still around afterward, show them that they didn't need to fight in the first place. But that only works if they had a good reason behind why they were fighting, and would have chosen peace otherwise.
Sonic wanted to give Chaos a second chance because he knew that violence was not truly in his nature. Had he not been forced into those specific circumstances, Chaos would have chosen peace.
And that's what separates characters who have done a lot of harm but Sonic still gave a second chance to like Chaos and Merlina, from those who have done a lot of harm but Sonic wouldn't give a second chance to, like Eggman and Erazor Djinn. The former wanted peace but became convinced that it was impossible, and the latter only wanted power and were willing to hurt others to obtain it. The characters who Sonic won't give another chance to have proven that when dealt a better hand, they'll still chose to hurt others solely for their own gain, because that's what they want. To stop them peacefully, Sonic would have to convince them to give up their true dreams.
And that, is why Sonic's opinions get to always be treated as right in the games, because they are right. He has an absolutely kind heart, a nuanced understanding of morality, and the integrity to never give in to selfish desires.
None of this means Sonic is always right, though. Most people already know of his impulsiveness, which is his greatest weakest, but also one of his greatest strengths. Sonic never waits to act, which is great when innocent people are seconds from mortal danger... but not so great when a situation looks to be one way but is actually another. He teases Eggman for pleading for a second chance in Unleashed and he kicks the Cacophonous Conch from Eggman's hand in Lost World, and both of those were massive mistakes.
But, despite making those mistakes, his mindset wasn't the problem. How was he supposed to know Eggman was a shockingly good actor leading him into a trap? How was he supposed to know the people Eggman was controlling with the conch were equally as evil? (Yes Tails tried to warn him but literally if he didn't Sonic wouldn't have looked stupid and it just shows how poorly written Lost World was overall.) Had Eggman actually been pleading and the Zeti good people, Sonic's actions would've been justified.
Still, those were mistakes, and Sonic always wants to do what's right, so he does what he can to fix his own messes. He restores the planet Eggman broke apart. He stops the Zeti from sucking the life out of the planet. Sonic always makes things right in the end, and so he has the right to be so confidant in his beliefs. So confidant in fact that he doesn't care about looking like the bad guy if it means doing the right thing. Oh look, there's a song about that too. From Sonic's fight with Merlina in Sonic and the Black Knight. (Click Here.) Don't be fooled by the feminine vocals, if you paid attention to the themes of the game, the song is clearly from Sonic's perspective.
So yeah, Sonic is kind but he's also smart. He won't let anyone change his mind on anything, but he doesn't need to change his mind because he follows his kind heart and compassionate soul. He doesn't worry about looking like the bad guy because he and his friends know his true nature. When he gets angry he lets his rage fuel his desire to save the day. He'll never shed tears of despair because he knows that if he keeps fighting he'll make things right in the end. Sometimes his impulsiveness gets him into trouble, but it also helps get him back out. No matter what happens to him, he'll always make it out in the end either through sheer determination or the help of his friends.
Sonic is absolutely silly; He makes dumb jokes about his enemies and talks to himself when there's nobody around. Sonic is completely serious; He's willing to kill someone if it means saving the world and has felt multiple friends die before his eyes and in his arms.
Sonic is literally just some blue hedgehog who can run really fast.
Sonic is a god, and could kill god, and there is not a difference!
But most importantly, Sonic is all of those things at once. He is a wonderfully balanced character who's been right from the very beginning and has spent all his games sharing his wisdom with others simply by being himself. He isn't perfect, but that's not due to some personality flaw he needs to correct, but because nobody can always have all the answers and know how to avoid all potential mistakes.
The problem is, writing a character like this is hard. Writing conflicts for a character like this is hard. Most writers rely on making their protagonists work through relatable flaws to create an emotionally compelling story... but you don't need to do that. Sonic's conflicts are mostly external, but we care about him succeeding anyway because he's a good person who's just trying to live his life.
So really, if you wanna write Sonic well, you have to just let him speak for himself.
...By the way I mean that literally. Dude listen to his character theme it's all right there! (Click here.) Even when his theme was altered in Sonic Adventure 2 the only thing that changed was how confidently the same ideas were delivered. (Click here.) But seriously listen to literally any of the game themes, final boss themes, and ending themes. (I'm not linking all that.) No matter the quality of the games, if Sonic wanted to teach you something he was gonna teach it... through the power of having a music department detached from the nightmare that is game development time crunch.
And that's why Sonic Lost World is the worst Sonic game. Because it was so pointless that Sonic didn't have anything to sing about!
Wait... what was the point of this post again?
#Sonic the Hedgehog#StH#Sonic#Writing#Characterization#Flanderization#Jouska's Thoughts#Tag Ramble#BTW just so we're clear I like Boom!Sonic and Movie!Sonic. They're not Game!Sonic but they're decent interpretations of Sonic.#Boom!Sonic was often snarky but he was still mostly a nice person. Movie!Sonic is widdle and is getting better just give him some time.#I dropped off of Prime from boredom but it annoys me solely due to people thinking it's canon when you can tell it's not just by watching.#You can also tell because game Sonic would've totally said 'I love you too Shadow' and it's honestly gayer that he didn't.#Game!Sonic screams 'in my hands I hold the ones I love' meanwhile Prime!Sonic is too chicken to say he loves his friend even as a joke.#Huh? Too scared to say you love Shadow? Wouldn't want him to think you're serious? Why? You could just say you don't. Would you be lying?#Okay but seriously there was a WIP I wrote years ago where Shadow chewed Sonic out and he responded by saying 'I love you too Shadow'.#Sure it was a ship fic but that scene wasn't romantic. Sonic nearly got himself killed by being dumb and Shadow was just worried and pissed#And now if I actually used that scene for anything people would think it's a Prime reference and that annoys me too.#Anyway it's almost 5 AM for me so I should stop typing about hedgehogs and go to bed already.
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man understimulation fucking sucks I need to be shot in the head
#Adhd#vent#violence tw#Understimulation#Understimulated#IM SO FUCKING BORED#Like there’s nothing that brings me joy. I have writers block.#I don’t read books anymore. None of my fics are updated. I can’t go anywhere because I’m broke and can’t drive.#There’s literally nothing to do.#I want to die.#ADHD vent#mental illness#someone please kill me#Nothing sounds appealing!!! NOTHING!!!!!#I wanna play a new game but we don’t have any FUCKING MONEY to buy one#Because we’re literally paycheck to paycheck right now#And I still can’t get a job. Or a credit card. And I need to learn to drive#Everything sucks and nothing brings me satisfaction anymore I just exist in a haze of boredom and misery
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read room 6 I KNOW it's the same "Chekhov government bad story" but. 1. Protag is both indecisive anxious ass and corrupt official 2. Crazy people real 3. Joker 4. Main character has mental breakdown 5. Better mental health institutions pls 6. You
i dids it
#WHY WAS IT SO LOONGGGGGG I THOUGHT IT’D BE SHORT …. TCH#was dying of boredom for the first half but the second half rly got me hooked and Thinking#i liked it. i think. maybe#my verdict: gromov is just like me fr i would also drive myself insane thinking i’ve committed crimes and killed people#intrusive thoughts lifestyle … chekhov gets it frfr#also one of the characters had the same surname as my friend so that was pretty funny#also also. it reminded me of this story my uhmm classmate once told#about how he faked having bpd and got put in the psych ward for like a day or two So he can dodge being drafted for the army#and let me tell u the stories he shared …….. I just dont think many things have changed since 19th century#chekhov would NOT be happy about the state of mental institutions in russia rn#cramswering
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I'm going to need people to realize that throwing a hissy fit over somebody gently or casually rejecting your offer to help them is going to make them SO MUCH LESS inclined to accept it in the future. And making it a point that they should have anyways, often through guilt trips, is going to motivate them even more to avoid you.
Especially if it's over something so fucking small like carrying something for somebody even though you know they can do it themselves and they're clearly not struggling.
"I'm just trying to be nice. 😤" If you're going to be like that then I have some bad news for you, you're not a nice person. You're larping one. "Being nice" to get some sort of mental or spiritual high out of it and throwing a fit when you're denied that isn't what it actually means to "be nice."
I'm not sorry but since fucking when were you entitled to using someone else to regulate yourself? Even through "nice" gestures like helping them with something? Especially if the only reason you're doing it is because you're bored?
"I don't handle it well." You can die of it for all I care once you've taken it to that point.
#honestly what the FUCK is it with people being so comfortable in sneakily using others to regulate themselves this way?#i know this sounds like a trauma response but it isn't#this is a 'i'm SO TIRED of seeing and dealing with this behavior from other people'#a while ago a girl at work came over to talk to me and said she was doing it because she was bored#my first thought was 'holy shit then fuck off'#she soon left the conversation because i wasn't reciprocating at all after she told me that#it won't kill you to just be bored#boredom is not bad#don't come to me under the guise of being friendly to alleviate yourself of it. fuck. right. off.#'buh-buh-buh it could lead to a meaningful connection. 🥺'#no relationship that starts off through exploitation is ever good or lasts#especially when either one or all parties involved don't make it known that they're just using others
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tagged by @sometimes-i-talk-a-lot Thank you so much!!
Tag nine (9) people you’d like to know better
last song: Came back from a festival some days ago and just realized I haven't listened to anything since! So, some sort of dance song/mix whose names I don't know by BLOND:ISH
currently watching: Started listening to TAZ: Ethersea in the podcast category. Also been binge watching Charborg/CHRBRG on youtube because I thought he had left youtube, turns out he just switched channels, so now I'm catching up ahah Hey pardon just remembered Puppet History is back on too!
currently reading: Whale Weekly (severely behind but I think I'll get on an audiobook to catch up), Dracula Daily, and "Tribuna Negra: Origens do Movimento Negro em Portugal (1911-1933)" by Cristina Roldão, José Augusto Pereira & Pedro Varela. Picked it up when I had some hours to kill in the city and it's a theme I'd like to know more about, have been really enjoying it, very informative. Not sure if it's how a book presentation works but I might be able to get it signed tomorrow?? maybe???
current obsession: not sure actually. am on a weird period of my life i think. Barbie movie maybe? Will watch next week with some friends. Get money? Go to go to more festivals? My cats? Indie games on steam? Sorry i can't really think of anything that's been pulling my interest in particular lately.
I would like to get to know quite a few of you better but tags on my blog seem to be meh, so I'll let whoever wants to awnser these go for it!
#i miss rotating things in my mind but my brain has just been eh#one could say#brain moss#thats actually where the blog name comes from if i remember right#i was just feeling meh like if i had a bunch of moss instead of a brain so to try and kill the boredom a bit made a tumblr again#wasnt really boredom was just eh#same with tattoos but i also want to wait for winter so taking care of them is easier#those obsessions sound very very nice! : D#also for anyone reading this#if you have a goodreads profile 1. be carefull cause its adicting in a weird way and can generate unhealthy ways to relate to books#2. add me as a friend :p no one around me seems to enjoy reading but sometimes i really want to talk about books im reading with others#its why i sometimes coment little things about books im reading in random posts cause its like a long distance (in time too) book club
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begging the depression to go away so i can do anything besides staring at a screen and vibrating with stress unable to do anything i need to
#i need to go to the library tommorow bc i have a book due#and i need to clean the house or ill explode#but i also need to start writing and essay and revising psychology bc i wont have much time on tuesday#also btw psychologists should all kill themselves i hate you and your stupid field most of it is bullshit and i hate you so so much#also i need to finish the book thats due tomorrow#and everything is making me crazy the stress the boredom how filthy the house is and how i dont have time for anything and yet i keep#wasting it and anwsering my phone#juz kurwa nie wspominajac o tym ze bon sie dalej kurwa do mnie nie odezwal
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oh these 5.2 banner leaks i swear to GOD
#run people i want you cowardssssss#not pulling again for eight years at this rate😪😪😪#except zhongli ig#but seriously#wrio WHEN#the bloodlust i will feel if they even THINK about putting him and venti into the same patch again i swear…..#my savings are gonna go crazy#i’m just gonna start blowing them on the weapon banner out of boredom smh#i was considering a few stray pulls for nahida’s weapon anyway so🤷♀️#and i DO really want lyney’s bow so maybe a little excitement#but also hoyo plsssss your banners are KILLING me lately pls do something i want#they’re waiting to run everyone i want all at once actually#genshin leaks
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I should see a therapist regularly actually not because they actually say anything helpful or have valuable information at all but because they unilaterally see me as so helpless and unable to improve my mental health to a point that I would be able to achieve my goals that it makes me want to achieve just to spite them
#Therapist number 1 'advice' for me when I say I'm getting increasingly depressed and anxious over lack of achievement boredom w/ my life#disinterest in the direction it's going and disillusionment that I'll ever be able to do more#What they usually tell me despite the fact that the problem 100% is that I do not believe in myself or my abilities and self-sabotage when#I think I'm not good enough and that the solution is 'I need support so I can do better & stop being in my head'#What they usually tell me instead is: well have you considered being okay with your life being boring and doing less?#You should try doing less and choosing smaller goals (things I tried for years that made me more depressed)#Like actually I think you should kill yourselves instead
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#im finally letting myself and by body crash but the fuking issue is everything takes enerjy i dont have but boredom makes me want to#rip my hair out. my stomach hurts and im painfully aware of teh headache i have and im grappling with the fact im a shell of a person and i#have so much i need to work on and improve#but im so tired#im so fucking tired#im having moodswings like crazy and fuch my heads killing me and im so fucking tired but i cant seem to rest#i need to relax without using mt tablet or my laptop or phone but i need to get inro that habit and forming that habit takes enerjy#so im just stuck flitting between things hoping my head clears up soon#fuck my stomachs killing me#i dont even know why im writing this here#im such a fucking attention seeker#it feels like i need to give to get anything#but atm im so tired and fragile i cant#i dont5 fucking know anymore#just. go easy on me ig#idk#fucking hell im a mess#gonna go curl up in bed. maybe that will fix me#see you in five min when i cant stand being in my body without a million and one distractions that make it worse in the long run
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i have an opinion about people who aren’t from super rural areas watching Gummo and how they interact with it kind of gets on my nerves but idk how to make my point. like put it into words.
#and yes i am aware about harmony korrine as a person im not even talking abt all that#but when i first watched Gummo it felt like someone ripped my guts out and held them up in front of me. you get it?#I’ve experienced first hand the violence born out of rural boredom#the drugs and the abuse and the pure hatred of the world and all life that starts#when you’re so isolated from everything everyone’s hatred for their environment feeds into everyone else#the anger and pain from the poverty forced on everyone in your home area#i watched my stepbrother kill animals for fun. he learned that from his dad.#my sister and i were chased by feral dogs all the time. our dog killed one of those dogs.#my sister and i threw littered beer bottles and rock faces and dodged the glass for fun.#that dog later got kicked in the head by a cow and someone shot him in the head to put him out of his misery#there are no close vets. no close hospitals. no close grocery stores.#sorry this turned into me venting a bit.#like idk! u just can’t get it like that if u weren’t in it
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