#ooooof this is a long answer but literally always on my mind

[itspileofgoodthings]

Well, I actually have the most mundane of questions, but it’s been so long since I’ve been in an English class that I feel like I’ve completely forgotten (and I’m curious how you do it): how do you go about reading a book as a class? Do you assign them the chapters to read at home and most of them actually do it? Or do you give them class time to read? Do you have the kids who try to spoil the rest of the book for the class? Basically, how does one teach a book in the year 2024?  😀

And do you have your students annotate inside their books? (I know the English teachers in my school require the students to do that, and I get why, but I inwardly shudder every time I see a student marking up a page.) 

Haha I love this question because I too am always asking myself how DOES one each a book in 2024?

It’s sort of a combination. I absolutely assign reading every night (almost) unless it’s Shakespeare or any play in which case we read it all in class. But for a novel there’s a couple chapters a night. I read aloud to them a lot too. Sometjmes I make them read aloud to the whole class, rotating kids who read. Sometimes I assign a chapter to be read in class silently with questions or quotes due at the end of the reading. Sometimes I put them in groups and make them read aloud to each other. There’s no one way that works for sure and of course ultimately I have no control over how much they read and I’m not naive enough to think that most of the reading assigned for homework doesn’t get skipped most of the time buuuuuut.

My bottom line is that I believe it’s my job to get excited about the actual text itself (easier for me in some cases than others but overall pretty easy because it does fill me with excitement) and then commit to taking them on the journey of the story with me. And my goal—that I’m sure I often don’t reach—is to make that experience so much more fun if you have actually read. And the way that I teach is pretty text heavy which is why I always make sure I’ve read the chapters for the day and am not just relying on my memory because the way I do it is just sort of absorbing it all up like a vacuum-cleaner, schwooooop, and then either pulling stuff out of the reading to look at directly or directing them to do the same thing. So the big thing that I have going for me, if any, is buy-in. Is getting kids excited about actually reading the actual text. I also speak often and passionately about the evils of sparknotes etc. not because they help kids get better grades or whatever but because they present you with the husk and shell of a story, stripped of all that makes it interesting, and that by reading that alone they’re reading something so dry and dull and are not achieving what I always want them to achieve —which is, have an Experience with the Literature.

Again, it never works perfectly by any stretch and there are so many ways I want to explore in my quest to get better at it but overall I think, at my very best, I can create this wave of energy and excitement in the story itself which is the most organic and ultimately most helpful way to get them to want to read.

Also no haha. I don’t let them annotate! Though occasionally kids DO of course. But sometimes they bring in their own copies in order to do that. The spoilers absolutely happen and are annoying but I sort of get by it by moving on very quickly and/or talking about how it’s often not the ending but how you get there that makes it interesting. Because that’s just true!

[chasingshhadows]

on malex - 1.09

I’ve been working on my finale meta and I keep coming back to the 1.09 Malex scene because I think so much of where Michael and Alex crash land stems from this conversation. So I’m putting fingers to keyboard on this one now.

Alex arrives fully ready to hash things out. He has Questions and he needs Answers. He needs to verify for himself that Michael is not what his father claims him to be - needs to know he’s not a killer. 

But what we see when Alex gets out of that car and approaches Michael is not a soldier ready to face a threat; what we see is a man trying to make amends and extend an olive branch. He’s got his hands in his pockets, his shoulders hunched, he starts by stuttering his way through a greeting. 

He didn’t come here for a fight, he came here because sometime between seeing Michael’s face on his father’s screen and Kyle’s “if you care about him as much as it looks like you do,” Alex has accepted that this war he’s been fighting within himself is one that he lost a long time ago. He’s been trying to put distance between himself and Michael, convince himself that they can both move on from each other, but the horror he felt when seeing Michael’s file pop up, and the denial in his bones at the thought of Michael being a murderer - he’s both in too deep and barely scratched the surface.

Hell, learning from Kyle that Michael had a part to play in Rosa’s murder? Honestly? Probably a got-damn relief for Alex. It might be the actual reason he’s finally able to seek Michael out and really talk to him. Because he’s spent a decade thinking that he was the cause of all the problems in Michael’s life and that Michael deserved to be with someone that didn’t ruin his life. 

And now he’s just learned that somehow, Michael went through something even more traumatic than what happened in the shed on the same day. The dark turn in Michael’s life? It’s not Alex’s fault. 

Just as he’s realizing how profound his feelings for Michael are, and how flimsy his reasons are for staying away, he’s also realizing just how little he truly knows him. So, he’s here to rectify that. 

And on Michael’s side, he’s tired. He’s been rubbed raw by everything that is Alex Manes and every time they’ve crashed together, Michael is the one left smoldering in a pile of rubble. 

Because every time Alex blows into Michael’s life, he leaves Michael in pieces. Every time Michael gets his hopes up, Alex walks away. Not even two full days before this scene, Alex made it absolutely clear that they were over. And we all saw what that did to Michael.

He’s still trying to stitch together the open wounds from where he ripped himself apart for this man, and now here he is again, to take more?

The thing is, Michael believed Alex the other day. He took what Alex said to heart, let it settle in his bones. And it made sense to him, right? Because Michael has a hard enough time believing his own siblings love him, so when Alex, who clearly deserves so much better than Michael and is already prone to walking away, tells him he’s not coming back this time? Of course Michael believed it. 

He’s listening to this entire conversation with those goggles on, filtering everything Alex says through that mindset.

And Alex - Alex is not good with words, he’s not adept at talking about his feelings and the things he wants. Especially when what he wants is Michael - they were both punished, brutally, for wanting each other and that kind of severe negative conditioning does not fade easily.

So he’s still gathering himself, stuttering through false starts when Michael finds the necklace, and it stalls Alex out completely when he understands what that means.

Michael and Maria slept together and that hurts. Because he came here to fix things. Because he’s been pushing Michael away and now it looks like he might have finally pushed too far. Because he doesn’t want Michael to move on. Because it was Maria.

And Alex is not good with words, with talking about his feelings. So his immediate instinct is to flee - throw up a flimsy explanation and get out of there as fast as he can so he can process. So he can think. He went in blind and unprepared and it bit him in the ass like he knew it would, and now he needs to recoup and come up with a new strategy.

It’s exactly what Michael expects. For Alex to show up, twist Michael up in a knot, and walk away. 

See here, when Alex says there’s a rattle in his car?

The focus is on Alex, but look at Michael here. See him nodding? That’s, “Yeah, sounds about right.” We don’t see his face but I can assure you he’s doing one of his patented painted-on smiles. 

 And then Alex backs up, turns away.  

That moment when Alex starts to leave, you see him stop. You can literally hear the thoughts running through his head. “Here I am, walking away again. Just like Michael said, just like I always do.” It’s like he hears the grate of his boots on the gravel and the sound makes him cringe. 

He hears Michael’s little huff of hurt laughter and that’s the moment his shoulders drop. It was the little push he needed to fight against his instincts to shield and protect himself from just how thoroughly Michael Guerin gets under his skin. Because he hurt Michael and he literally came here to do the opposite.

He’s not saying “no” to Michael, he’s saying that to himself. To the demons in his mind, to all the voices in his head telling him to run, that he can’t have this.

Alex is tired, too. He is tired of letting his insecurities, his trauma, his fears rule his actions. He’s tired of walking away from something he wants, of always finding an excuse. He’s tired of seeing that look of disappointment and pain on Michael’s face and feeling helpless to alleviate it.

“I’m tired of not saying what I want to say.” 

And Michael’s sure he knows exactly what that is. That they can’t work. That Michael’s lifestyle and habits are inexcusable. That it’s Michael’s fault that they can’t be together. He’s ready for that speech, his entire being, words and body language, are basically a neon sign of “hit me, let’s get this over with.”

This parallels really closely with the museum scene in 1.06 when Michael was the one that wanted to talk, when Alex was the one expecting the rejection, when Alex’s, “Ok, talk” was his way of saying the same thing.

And Alex finally, finally, finds his words. 

Ooooof. When Alex Manes has something to say, he does not pull punches, holy shit. This is Alex at his most pure: blunt, unapologetic, and full of heart. If you could boil Alex down to a single moment, this would absolutely rank in the top 10.

And it makes Michael freeze. He stops short, totally caught off guard and terrified. Because he still thinks he knows where this conversation is going, still believes that Alex isn’t coming back to him this time. And he’s wanted to hear those words from Alex (albeit in a present tense) for a decade, but now he’s hearing them when he thinks Alex is saying goodbye and he’s not sure he’ll survive living with them without him.

Which only intensifies when Alex says “And I think that you loved me. For a long time.” Which is harder for Alex to say than “I loved you.” Because admitting his own feelings is one (terrifying) thing, but here he is declaring that Michael loved him. Alex doesn’t see himself as worthy of that love, but he wants it more than he’s ever wanted anything in his life. So saying this, speaking it, giving it voice is inviting it to be challenged. 

If they never say how they feel, they never have to limit it, to define it, to put boundaries on it. Alex can believe that Michael loves him without worry that Michael will rip that reality from him. 

So when Alex says this, his voice starts to crack at the end.

But Michael doesn’t challenge it, because it’s absolutely true. And Michael here - he looks like that feeling - the one where it feels like there’s this heavy hollow just sitting on your sternum. 

He feels like Alex is throwing this in his face - because remember his goggles. He doesn’t realize that the “for a long time” also applied to Alex.

He thinks Alex is saying “I loved you 10 years ago. And you kept loving me after I moved on.” 

So his answer is just gutted.

It’s also defensive. It’s “yeah, what of it?” 

And Alex continues, trying to understand. He’s trying to make sense of this, of them. 

So there’s this thing this show does that they pull off incredibly well and it’s miscommunication. This show thrives on the disconnect between what someone means and what the other hears. And we see this a lot with Michael and Alex generally, but never more so than this conversation.

Michael and Alex are having two entirely different conversations here.

Alex says “But we didn’t even know each other that well.” And what he means is “how can I love someone so much when I know nothing about his life?” 

He is trying so hard to understand, he’s yearning for some kind of explanation.

And what Michael hears is Alex listing reasons why they can’t be together, why they don’t work. 

I mean look at his face here, he looks just absolutely resigned. This is a man who is standing here, and taking it, and waiting for it to be over. He can’t argue because Alex isn’t wrong.

And Alex is still fumbling, still scrambling for answers, trying to apply logic to something as intangible as love. And as he stumbles, Michael catches him.

Nothing will ever be said about this line as well as @nielrian‘s post. And while Alex may not fully comprehend the depth of Michael’s meaning with that word, he agrees, but he’s not done.

Alex says “We didn’t even do that much talking. And I wanna talk. I wanna start over.”

Again, Alex is attempting to say one thing - that he wants to build the foundation below their floating house so that they don’t come crashing down again - while Michael is still hearing reasons against their love, why it wasn’t valid, why it won’t work. “I want to start over” in his head turns into “I want to erase the past, our history, our love.”

Then Alex says “I- I wanna, I don’t know, I wanna be friends?” 

But that’s not what he means or what he wants. You can hear it in his tone, see it in the scrunch between his eyebrows, he’s saying it like a question, like he’s trying to come up for a solution to his current problem.

And that problem is that the man he loves feels like a stranger to him. 

But what Michael hears is entirely different, almost polar opposite. What Michael hears from Alex is “I want to be just friends.” And that slots in perfectly with his expectations for this conversation, with what he thought he knew about what Alex had come here to say.

That’s Michael’s “Yup, of fucking course. I called it” laugh. And it’s bitter, it’s so bitter it’s practically black coffee. This is a man who knows that he and Alex will never be able to be just friends, but who also knows he won’t be able to stop himself from doing whatever Alex asks. 

He’s just as pathetic for Alex as Max is for Liz, and would accept any excuse just to be around him. That laugh says he knows that what comes next is going to hurt and he’s going to let it. 

Meanwhile, poor Alex is still struggling and he takes a moment to gather himself before he finally, finally, settles on what he truly came here to say.

Now, this line, from Alex’s perspective, is perfectly direct. It cuts to the heart of things, there’s no two ways to interpret this, it’s a declaration, for Alex, on par with “I never look away, not really.” 

But for Michael, this line comes too late. This line comes after he’d already drawn his conclusions about this conversation, and then had them repeatedly reinforced from his own perspective. 

Alex’s “I wanna be friends” sounds to him just like Liz saying that to Max, and Michael knows - and practically had this confirmed by Liz herself - that it was a manipulation tactic to learn more about the aliens. And he knows that the alien secret has been spreading.

So “I wanna know who you are, Guerin” sounds, to Michael, disingenuous, so it must mean he’s after something. It must mean he knows something, that he wants something. 

And that’s how Michael makes that leap.

And so Michael decides to call Alex out - or so he thinks. He thinks he’s got it all figured out. Alex doesn’t really want to know who I am, he just wants the alien scoop. Alex’s visit that day, after rejecting him so bluntly two days ago, suddenly makes so much more sense.

He looks so sad here. So subdued, just utterly stripped and broken. 

And then Alex does something I don’t think Michael expected - he answers both questions. 

“Yes, I want to know all of it.” 

Not gonna lie folx, I feel rather cheated that we don’t get to see Michael’s reaction here because I bet it had one of those patented eyebrow twitches he does so well.

Because in all of this, throughout this whole interaction, Alex and Michael are having two completely different conversations, but this is the moment when they slam together. When the points converge.

Now, I don’t think either of these men realize or in any way recognize that the other was having a different conversation, nor do they change their perceptions of the conversation they were each having, but I do think they reach a point where they are accurately understanding, in just those two lines, what each other truly means. 

And what Alex means is in contrast, at least somewhat, with Michael’s understanding of the conversation. Alex is saying, definitively, that he wants to get to know him, not just his secret. But hearing that does not erase the entire conversation he thinks he just had, where Alex told him all the reasons they won’t work, and said he wants to be just friends, then fished for information on aliens. 

So what he takes from this is that maybe Alex meant it - that he truly does want to be friends. Maybe it wasn’t entirely a ploy to learn about alien stuff, or to push Michael away. Maybe Alex cares about Michael - as a friend. 

And that sentiment, that Alex really is being genuine, is reinforced later that day. Alex asks why Michael wasn’t adopted and Michael is confused. Because he just told this epic story of spaceships crashing and weird scifi cryo chambers, and Alex basically just nods. And then when prompted to ask questions, he doesn’t ask about alien science or the pod squad’s powers - he asks about Michael specifically - his childhood, his family.

It doesn’t track, not with what he’d convinced himself Alex was after. He’s finally recognizing, in this moment, just how genuine Alex is. Alex wants to get to know him, truly wants to know who Michael Guerin is, as a person.

And this is when the conversation really takes a turn toward heavy. When finally, absolutely and entirely, these two are having the same conversation. Alex is trying to get to know Michael and Michael is opening up. Michael may not be aware of Alex’s true motives (demystifying the man he loves so they can be together), but he’s no longer doubting Alex’s intentions or reading a desire for distance between them in Alex’s questions.

But at the end of the day, when Alex leaves, Michael still absolutely and firmly believes that he and Alex are over - because that’s what Alex wants. He believes that Alex wants to be friends and he believes they’ve started down that path. 

He’s walking that path knowing full well that it will destroy him, but remember:

And this is the Michael that walks away from the ruins of that prison. This is the Michael that isn’t sure why Alex showed up at his airstream. This is the Michael that walked away from Rosa’s corpse, still out of his mind with his own grief, having gotten no sleep, and trying to make sense of the chaos in his mind.

When someone does or says something that seems counter to what you thought they wanted - ie “I’m still fighting his battles, not mine” - that doesn’t override your perception. It just leaves you feeling caught up in mixed signals and struggling to find a footing. It leaves you unsure of where you stand with that person. 

Michael was sure Alex said he wanted to be just friends, he heard those words. He was sure Alex listed all the reasons they can’t work as a couple. He was sure that after Michael opened up, bared his entire soul and his life’s work to Alex, that Alex still walked away. 

He was wrong about what he thought Alex meant, but Alex later saying Michael is family and that he’s the battle Alex wants to fight does not provide some new clarity for Michael - it only makes him more confused.

That’s why this scene is so vital in understanding the finale and where Michael and Alex land. Alex is trying, fuck he’s trying so hard, but Michael can’t see that. He’s blinded by the past, blinded by his false perceptions, and incapable of trusting what he hopes Alex could mean.

After all - hope is a dangerous thing. 

[aaronhart93-archive]

discord II text Landon & Aaron

Discord thread featuring: Aaron and @davieslandon

Mentions: @alison-haynes @theharrykingston

Where: Aaron in Paris and Landon in Chamonix 

When: June 15th

Description: Aaron tells Landon that Alison wants to have another baby with Aaron

Trigger Warnings: none 

Aaron.

two things

who is watching Elle while you're gone?

LANDON

Harry

and before you get all protective, if I'm going to give him a chance this is a good first step no?

Aaron.

ahfldj leaving her with him while you're half way across the world though?

I'd call babysitting for one night a good first step....maybe a moving night with the 3 of you

LANDON

i know i know but the first meeting went well then we had movie night and he looked after her one day when I was called in to work unexpectedly

you try explaining to a kid who knows her  dad's around right now that she can't stay with him him even though her other dad's leaving for a few days

Aaron.

i mean literally anyone in Kingsboro would've taken her while you were gone

but im not trying to tell you how to parents bc i fckn hate when people do that to me

i don't think anything bad is going to happen anyway

im just being too protective i guess

i need to tell you the other thing though

are you sitting down

LANDON

trust me i've been texting him since the second i landed and i kind of put Avery and Monroe up to keeping an eye on things just in case

i'm worried but i'm trying to stay positive

oh shit

what did you do??

yeah i'm fucking sitting down what is it???

Aaron.

good we trust avery and monroe

I didn't do anything

Ali wants to have another baby

she's single

and wants me to donate sperm

aka she wants to have another baby with me

LANDON

and obviously you said no

Aaron.

aka i'd have two kids

i told her i'd think about it

LANDON

but you're going to say no

right???

Aaron.

she asked me and i vomitted

i dont know!!!

so many things are going through my head

LANDON

what do you mean you don't know???

Aaron.

i mean it'd be great for Des to have a sibling that shared both parents with her...

and I love Ali...we're already great co-parents...and I don't want her having another baby alone...i know she could do it and i'd still be there with her

but i hadn't thought about having another kid

like at all

LANDON

have you completely lost your mind????

i mean good for you that you want another kid and that you want Des to have a sibling with the same parents

but now???

Aaron.

I....don’t know if I want another kid though

I mean I’m thinking about it and maybe??? But I never thought about it beforeJune 16, 2020

LANDON

are you sure now’s the right time though? With everything else going on

Aaron.

no

even considering i don't know if ever will be the right time

I fucking threw up when she asked me

LANDON

yeah no shit

I would have probably had the same reaction

Aaron.

i feel like im letting her down if i say no but i also don't think this is what i want

LANDON

if you don’t think it’s what you want then you need to tell her

bringing a child into the world is a huge commitment

Aaron.

obviously i know that

LANDON

well I would hope you know that

Aaron.

sorry

I’m just stressed

my head’s been spinning for hours

LANDON

I get it

I just don’t want you to do something just because you’re scared of disappointing Ali

Aaron.

im just so confused

i feel like out little family would be threatened if she were to have someone else's kid

and i know that sounds co dependent af

and unhealthy af

LANDON

I think I get it

you and Ali might not be together like that but you’re a family and you don’t want anything to change that

Aaron.

exactly

I think it’s one of the reasons we’ve both been single for so long

LANDON

but isn’t it going to change anyways whenever she finds someone she loves?

like you did

Aaron.

yeah...but I honestly don’t even know how that’s going to go over with her. Regardless, I didn’t expect it to be this soon....I thought we had time

LANDON

why so sudden though?

I mean what’s wrong with waiting a little bit

Aaron.

she said Des asked her for a little sibling and i guess she feels rushed??? I told her she was only 26 and had plenty of time then said she didn’t want Des’ sibling to be significantly older than her

LANDON

do you know how many little kids ask for siblings? It doesn’t mean you have to give them on straight away

and did she say she’ll try woth someone else if you said no?

Aaron.

I know that’s what I said

and I told ali we can explain to Des how unique our family is

I thought she understood but maybe not

LANDON

this is definitely...a situation

Aaron.

lol mmmhmmm

so much for a relaxing vacation

LANDON

haha nothing relaxing about being told she wants another kid

what are you going to do?

Aaron.

I don’t know, Lan

obviously I’d be there every step of the way with her regardless if it was mine or not

it’ll just be different if it was mine

LANDON

why do i get the feeling you're going to end up doing this?

Aaron.

fuck

LANDON

fuck is right

Aaron.

I just need to think I guess

I put Des down tonight and thought about doing it for another kid

and i don’t know if I can love someone else like I love her

I don’t know if I want to

LANDON

yeah this is definitely something that requires a lot of thought

if you do this...i think you'll end up loving any child you have as much as you love Des

but no one can force you to have another child if it's not what you want

Aaron.

I never thought I’d have one kid at 26...much less 2...but Ali won’t force me regardless. I don’t know what she was thinking honestly

LANDON

honestly i kind of admire you for even thinking about it

I think i would answer straight away

Aaron.

ooooof you do not want to be in my position though. I’m thinking so hard bc I don’t want to make the wrong choice. It’s a big one.

LANDON

i really don't want to be

it is...i think you'll make the right choice though

Aaron.

I’m not too great at those

LANDON

maybe not when it comes to relationships

but you've always been a great father to Des

Aaron.

yeah...at least I try to be

LANDON

you are

Aaron.

yeah...

LANDON

i'm sorry you ended up in this situation

Aaron.

thanks for letting me vent

LANDON

what are friends for?

Aaron.

love you bro

LANDON

love you too mate