#Meant to post this yesterday but my internet was down for some reason

[the-ghostly-butterfly]

Snippet 1.4

Previous

The next morning, Henchman sat in the infirmary of Villain's Headquarters, the atmosphere as thick as smoke. Henchman figured Villain let slip to someone what they were planning to do the Henchman as a punishment for what they'd done, or maybe even details of how they'd be tortured or killed, or maybe even thrown out for the heroes to round up like a stray dog, most likely with their tongue cut out and hands broken so they didn't stand a chance at revealing anything they'd learned about Villain

They didn't really know anything useful for the heroes anyway. They knew Villain's favorite color (dark blue), favorite foods (anything with chocolate), allergies (blueberries), their least favorite movie genre (horror) and a couple other things they picked up from being around Villain so much.

They learned why Villain didn't get on well with their parents (they very much had a favorite child and it wasn't Villain) and what'd brought on their anger towards the Hero Agency once Villain brought them into their confidence, sure, but they didn't know much more about plans then the average civilian--that would be Right Hand. Their actual duties consisted of watching over supplies, managing other henchmen and keeping an eye on the overall workings of Headquarters.

Henchman hoped that taking down Hero would make Villain proud of them. Would make them allow Henchman into their inner circle and bring them into their confidence. They'd hoped to get as close to Villain as Right Hand--closer, after bringing down Hero. And instead, they'd suffered two humiliating defeats (and several broken ribs).

It all came to a head when Medic came in to check on Henchman's stitches. in addition to the blunt force trauma of being thrown through a window and into a wall, glass shards stuck into their back and left jagged, stinging wounds that oozed blood well into the night. Henchman sat on their cot, facing away from Medic as their wounds were inspected and re-dressed, and even then they could feel the hesitation Medic's hands, which were usually sure and quick.

Silence hung in the room like a dead man.

"What are they gonna do?" Henchman asked in a croaky voice, just barely above a whisper.

Medic paused. Considered. "What?"

"Villain. What are they gonna do to me?"

Again, they were met with silence. Henchman was sure the stress was worse than any answer Medic could've given until... Medic laughed. They laughed. It wasn't a snort or a scoff, or even a giggle--and they didn't even try to hide it! Medic stepped back for a moment, cackling as Henchman's stomach dropped. Of all the answers they were expecting, that was one they hadn't prepared for in the slightest.

"Oh, God, I needed that. You're hysterical."

"I'm being serious!" Henchman whirled around half way before the agony from the mess that somehow made up their abdomen sent lightning-hot reminders of why that was a horrible idea.

"Stop it, you're gonna hurt yourself," Medic scolded lightly, laughter still dancing in their eyes. "Have you really been stressed about that the whole time?"

"YES!" Henchman was near screaming now, though they weren't sure if it was ager or confusion that raised their voice. "Why wouldn't I be? Did you see how furious Villain was before they left? And I haven't seen them since. I left without permission and acted without orders; they have every reason to be upset. And everyone and everything's been so quiet today, it's like I've been handed down a death sentence."

Medic cleared their throat and the last embers of amusement flickered out. "Yeah, well, you're right about that, but you're not the one in danger. Or at least, you weren't when it mattered."

The tone of Medic's voice was dead serious--terrifying--and didn't help the growing pit of anxiety that had hunkered down in Henchman's stomach. They felt like they were going to pass out, woozy and dizzy and like the world was tipping out from under them.

A sharp snap under their nose anchored them a little more steadily to the bed they were sitting on, Medic having circled around the cot to look Henchman in the eyes. "You're fine, relax. The rest of us weren't supposed to tell you because it was bad, even for Villain, but I don't think you're in for anything more than a slap on the wrist, and neither does anyone else."

And they wouldn't understand that even if Henchman wasn't going to be killed, as thankful for that as they were, even a slap on the wrist as Medic said would destroy everything Henchman had been working towards. Everything they'd been hoping for. They should've known going into the fight that they were putting Villain's trust in them on the line, and they had--to a point.

They never expected they would fail as horribly as they did, nor that Villain would react with the kind of quiet fury usually reserved for their rare interactions with heroes or other members of the Agency itself. They hadn't expected to be sent to the infirmary the way that they were, or to be teleported directly to it from an alley just off the main scene of the fight after barely getting away.

And what they really weren't expecting was what hurt most: The fact that Villain had put them here and walked off without another word. They'd spoken in their office, but beyond that, there wasn't even a threatening note, or a warning given through Medic. They'd been effectively put in time out, knowing what might be coming but not having enough confidence to really prepare themselves one way or another.

“Hey, what did I just say?” Medic says, this time with annoyance in their tone. “Even if I don’t know the details, I know you’re gonna be fine, okay? You’re gonna be fine, and I don’t think you’re clocking Villain’s feelings towards what you did to Hero as correctly as you think you are, yeah?”

Their assessment was fair, if not a little stinging. They’d never been good at reading people, but they’d hoped Villain was the exception. Even with their monotone voice and often stony demeanor, Henchman knew how tired they were in a glance after a fight; knew when to call for Medic or coffee or let them get straight to their personal rooms and block everyone else from entering–something Right Hand was usually supposed to do. 

The entire night, they’d tried not to deliberate too much on Right Hand. They’d tried to ignore the stinging jealousy of the fact that there was already someone that was so close to Villain they could almost read their thoughts. They knew Villain kept a certian amount of professionalism and distance between themselves and Right Hand that didn’t seem to be present between Villain and Henchman, but most liekly because it wasn’t seen as necessary. They weren’t close enough for it to matter in the first place. 

“Okay,” Henchman murmured, and one look at Meidc’s face made it clear to even them that they didn’t beleive them for a second. Nevertheless, Medic stepped away. 

“Okay,” they echoed, with much more confidence. “You seem to be healing well, all things considered, and I have other patients I need to take care of, so I’m going to leave you here, okay? Try not to freak out too much on me, yeah?”

Henchman gave a weak nod, and an even weaker smile. They were sure that Medic could see them spiraling form the outside, but if they did, they didn’t say anything about it. “Yeah.”

Next

Tagging: @nameless-beanie @crow-with-a-typewriter @mylovelyme (If you wanted to be tagged and weren't please just poke me with a stick)

[lunar-years]

The batshit thing about the R/K shippers hating on Jamie is that Keeley and Roy both love Jamie. The haters have completely ignored every character beat and growth and instead focused on "het couple is always end game" and got pissed when that didn't happen because it turns out their characters are more nuanced than that.

they mischaracterize all three of them to an insane degree because they for some reason feel the constant need to prove that R/K are the healthiest most well adjusted couple in the history of television and Jamie possesses absolutely zero threat to their relationship whatsoever because they both are merely 'putting up with him' at best or secretly hate him at worst (all of which are laughable claims to anyone who has watched the show with their eyes open, and possesses even the most meager analysis skills in their brains).

I also think the way they talk about R/K is often so reductive if not genuinely gross (in addition to just being like, generally of a heteronormative flavor)...and that's the ship they're meant to LIKE. like there were people yesterday screaming about how "Roy would NEVER share Keeley!!!1!!!" and it's like...well Keeley isn't a toy they're passing around or hogging, so jot that down. She's a person with her own agency, who isn't with... get this... EITHER ONE OF THEM at the end of the series!!! Yeah, that includes ROY!!! So Roy at the moment really has zero say in whether she wants to fuck Jamie again or not, lmao. she's every bit as capable of getting back together with him as she is Roy post canon. and if they were together, opening their relationship to someone else would be...a mutual decision...because Keeley is a whole character of her own and not just a prop for your male fav...

And then there's the whole "well we ship something that's actually CANON and therefore BETTER, whereas R/J & RJK shippers are just weaving mystical delusions because they're ~desperate for representation~ or whatever. Which is apparently why the Apple TV account and even the actors should never, ever so much as allude to RJK again, because it diminishes their "real and correct" couple. Again, NEITHER PAIRING IS EVEN ENDGAME CANON.

And finally, all the little ways they constantly try to mask the fact that they just hate Jamie because he's in the way of their ship with "real analysis" that boils down to such riveting takes as: "Jamie = Irredeemable and Bad because he hurt Keeley three seasons ago" "Roy = baby boy who has never hurt Keeley ever in his life and is perfect for her in every which way. oh? here's a canonical scene where Roy is canonically hurting Keeley? WELL, that's just bad writing. OOC, that is. the writers just suck. my favorites cannot be flawed"

anyway...I love roykeeley in the very specific way they exist in my head but i really need the r/k diehards to like... step back and accept the fact that they canonically BROKE UP and are not inherently perfect and better than any other ship between flawed characters. go read fanfiction and imagine the ending of your choosing to your heart's content, like the rest of us, and stop targeting social media managers jumping on the latest silly internet meme. sorry for the rant it's just....so fucking irritating

[snapscube]

this isn't meant to be a "Hurry up and post it already!" ask so i'm sorry if it comes off that way, i'm asking this genuinely: is there a reason it usually takes you a couple days to upload dragon quest streams on your snapcube 2 youtube channel? i don't use twitch but i've been keeping up with your DQ streams and loving it, and i noticed that you uploaded your reaction to the direct yesterday today but not the wednesday DQ stream :O again this isn't supposed to be an ask trying to rush you, i'm asking out of honest curiosity. does it take longer to render and upload or smth?? :O

It depends! Sometimes I upload it a lot quicker but usually the reason I get a little slow with Wednesday to Thursday uploads is because after streaming two days in a row I like to take Thursdays a little easy. If I uploaded the Wednesday VOD immediately after streaming it, then I'll just post on Thursday morning no prob since that doesn't take any effort at all. But usually on Wednesdays a lot of my upload bandwidth is used getting footage up on Ellie and I's shared Google Drive so she can edit videos for the main channel, and then streaming as well, so if I upload VODs on Wednesday night it's gonna be well past midnight, assuming I even stopped streaming early enough to render before uploading which takes a lot of time in and of itself haha. Ever since moving apartments last year my upload speeds have been TANKED since I was forced to switch my internet provider from AT&T Fiber to Spectrum, which has been such a huge downgrade I can't even fully express it, so I really have to go easy on how much footage I'm uploading at a time. Sometimes if a VOD is particularly time sensitive I'll push for it to go up sooner though. The Direct reactions and Prime remaster impressions are gonna do a lot better if they have that recency/hot topic hype factor going into them, so I got up early today and pretty much IMMEDIATELY got to work getting those up as soon as I could, even going so far as to nerf the quality of the Direct reactions back down to 1080p (as opposed to my usual 1440p) so it would be up faster haha. It really just depends on priority as well as like, how my sleep schedule and general workload is at any given time. Hope this helps give you SOME idea of why it might take longer though!

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Finally got into the last episode of the James/Robins Radio X years. I made a post yesterday about how they were running out of steam a bit near the end, which they were, but this last episode has been great, as I figured it would be.

The podcast intro was extra long, unsurprisingly, and they read out a bunch of emotional emails from listeners saying how much the show has meant to them. Which was nice, but when I hear things like that, there is always a part of my brain wanting to say to the person writing it - you know they can read this, right? I mean I'm very glad their show meant a lot to you emotionally at a dark time, me too, but you're not supposed to tell them. You know that if you write it down and put it in an email that you send to the actual people, they'll be able to read it?

I realize that's a hypocritical thing to say when I have put this stuff on the public internet, but that's at least a few steps removed from from dropping it into their actual inbox. I'm pretty sure that neither John Robins nor Elis James has a Tumblr account (one of their best friends does and maybe I shouldn't be so sure that it's fine as I recently has a reminder that technically I use the same internet as famous people, but still, I don't think they're routinely searching their names on Tumblr). John Robins is on Taskmaster now, there have to be enough people on the internet talking about him so I'm not going to come up in the results when he Googles himself. It's probably fine.

Anyway, they read some emotional emails from people who've listened to the show through the darkness, which were lovely and did get to me a bit, while I also found part of myself thinking "Yes, yes, we've all listened to John Robins' voice for comfort while sitting in a hospital waiting room during a mental health crisis brought on by the the difficulty in going without alcohol when alcohol was the glue holding your functioning ability together, of course something like that's happened to you too, I did that just a couple of months ago, but I'd be mortified if I thought any important people actually knew that, why are you telling them about it?"

Weirdly, of all the cynical inclusion of emotional heft in that final podcast intro, the bit that emotionally got to me the most was when Producer Vin stopped them just before they signed off to say they should clarify the situation for the audience:

I don't know why that got to me, but it did it a bit. It didn't make me very emotional or anything, but it made me slightly emotional, which is more emotional than you'd expect from a pretty straightforward exchange that is objectively less heavy than all the stuff they'd read out beforehand.

I think it was just that he didn't have to do that. I can see why John Robins or Elis James might want to clarify to the audience that they're not leaving due to any falling out or anything - they wouldn't want to be asked questions for ages based on false assumptions about their personal lives. But there's not particular reason for Vin to care, as by that point they're leaving the station anyway so it's longer his job to worry about making them come across a certain way. It seems like he was genuinely thinking of it from the perspective of a comedy fan who is invested in the show. And deciding that this would be a reasonable thing for a comedy fan to want clarified, rather thinking - and this might be a sensible thing to think - that if any fan is invested enough in the show to care why it's ended, they should really find better things to care about. Speaking as a comedy fan who frequently gets paranoid about whether I've becoming over-invested in following what happens to people I've never met (hence the mortification at the thought of the real people being aware that I exist - I'm I'm barely okay with admitting my level of investment to the six or so weird people who read my tiny Tumblr blog, much less to some celebrities), I appreciated hearing Vin consider that a reasonable position - to have listened to 263 episodes of a radio show and then care why it ended.

Obviously, with hindsight, I know the show didn't end due to a falling out between John Robins and Elis James, because they were back doing pretty much the same thing on a different radio station several months later. But if I were following this live and didn't know that was coming, I can imagine myself assuming something like that had happened, especially given how detached and distracted the last few episodes had been. There were definitely points in those early 2019 episodes when they sounded genuinely annoyed with each other in a way they hadn't in previous years. At best, hearing it live, I'd have assumed they'd decided they'd outgrown their partnership. So it's nice that Vin (a man whom I need to apologize for having once assumed was not a comedy fan, he's repeatedly established that he's quite a prolific comedy fan and as such can act as a comedy fan stand-in in the show sometimes) reminded them that they should probably squash some rumours before closing the episode. Because he'd want to know, if it were Adam and Joe.

That of course made me remember this clip, from episode 52, when to celebrate the show lasting a year they had John and Elis list things they like about each other:

I saved that clip because I think John Robins just told Elis James, "My favourite thing about you is you're not Russell Howard. I'm so glad we're not like those guys I used to live with, who are divorced now." Maybe. My other guess for who he meant was Adam and Joe, but as we've just heard, they didn't fall out so that's fine. I guess it could be someone else, especially since "research" would be a weird word to use to describe guys he knows personally, unless "research" is code for getting drunk with Jon Richardson. It could have been lots of people. Technically Lee and Herring used to be a radio duo. Anyway, though, it's fun to hear those clips from four years apart. They stuck to it.

I have about half the episode left and I'm putting off listening to it because I don't actually want to get to the end. But it's been a good one. It was a relief to get to the end of that quite emotionally heavy podcast intro, and then we get to the intro of the radio show itself, where for 263 episodes John Robins had introduced Elis James with a different untrue story about Elis doing some weird thing in some obscure part of Wales, and then in this one he introduced him as a man he is lucky to know and call a friend a great fellow comedian, and I realized - Oh, he's doing a real one this time, he's going to say sappy things about his friend now that the show's ending, God damn it they're going to manage to make me feel emotional about the end of a radio partnership that I know full well didn't even end is still running to this day - but then John kept talking and said this guy didn't rest on his laurels after being nominated for the Edinburgh Award five times, and then said he'd mistakenly read the intro he wrote for James Acaster, and then he read his real intro, which was an untrue story about Elis doing some weird thing in some obscure part of Wales. I could hear from the producers laughing that he'd successfully faked them all out with the threat of inclusion of emotional sincerity. Well done, John, that was a good joke. Sorry that in a post last night I said you were running out of steam a bit in 2019, and I may have been slightly sarcastic about some of your life choices. That joke was good enough to make me want to take back anything negative I've ever said about you, I'm sure every one of your life choices has been excellent.

It's a good episode. I am glad I saved the Robins/Pascoe episode of the Peacock and Gamble podcast from 2014 to listen to right after I finish it, that'll lighten the tone significantly after listening to some people say a sad farewell to a radio partnership that was back on the air like two months later and is still going to this day so no one needs to get emotional about it. This isn't like when I finished the original run of The Bugle and I wanted to go to the States and throw rocks at HBO's offices for daring to tear apart such a beautiful thing. It was fine.

[kai-skai]

First aid kits & skills Discourse

Yesterday, a post about having vs not having first aid kits at home made the rounds and sparked some discussion on my dash. This post is an attempt to summarize some of the Discourse as well as structure my own thoughts. (I'd also wanted to reflect on my own position, but this post has already gotten long, so maybe another time.)

One of the first things that happened after I saw/replied to the post was discussion about what counts as a first aid kit - apparently multiple people replied with some variation of "no, but I have XYZ (band-aids, disinfectant,…) at home to handle injuries". This was a good point and probably should have gotten more attention than it did - I suspect a good portion of disagreement about the use and/or necessity of first aid kits at home is ultimately down to different ideas about what a first aid kit is/contains. For example, many people made references to neosporin/disinfectant/the importance of cleaning wounds - regulation first aid kits in Austria and Germany do not contain any of this, so "should you have disinfectant/antibiotic cream/etc at home" is a very different question to me than "should you have a first aid kit at home". The same goes for pain meds, or activated charcoal, or thermometers. Also, many people referenced tourniquets. Which confused me until I checked a dictionary and learned that "tourniquet" can mean both "a thing you tie around someone's injured limb above the injury to reduce blood flow to the wound" (which is not contained in any regulation German/Austrian first aid kits), and "a compression bandage made out of wound dressing, gauze, and the actual bandage tied around everything" (the materials for which are). I'm still not sure what most people participating in the discussion meant - I'm left trying to figure it out from sentence structure ("buy a tourniquet" implies that it's a single thing, right…?), and that's just insufficient. (Okay, based on follow-up posts by one user, at least they do seem to mean the "tie this thing around the limb" tourniquets. This is genuinely interesting. Such tourniquets are not part of first aid kits or first aid classes here. My brain suggests this might be because people don't use them correctly (e.g. don't tie them tight enough) so the time/effort spent on first aid is better invested in more reliable methods, but I don't know if this is something I remembered from first aid or just made up as a possible reason, and in either case it wouldn't tell me why they're used in the US and not here. Lack of research? Different research results? Unknown.)

Another thing that happened fairly quickly was the conflation of basically all of the following:

having a first aid kit at home

knowing first aid

considering first aid worth knowing

believing nobody gets hurt ever under any circumstances

(seriously, people went from "first aid kits at home" to car accidents and soldiers at war and I just. There is no gunfire in my living room. If I biked the five steps from my bedroom to my front door and fell over I would not bleed to death. I cannot take the risk assessment of people seriously who see no difference between being at home and on a battlefield - even if that is reasonable for their living situation, it's too far removed from mine to have any value without, y'know, going into the actual details.)

That one "the reading comprehension on this site is piss poor" post remains true. (This should not surprise me anymore, and yet.) I was also surprised by how vitriolic the tone got in approximately zero time. (Should this surprise me? I don't know. It is known that the internet is Bad, but I didn't expect people to have such strong feelings on whether or not other people have first aid kits at home.)

Some people went "what kind of life do you lead where people are constantly seriously injured at home", and others went "what kind of life do you lead where people aren't". This could have led to incredibly interesting exchanges: what causes this discrepancy? Is it where we live? Our hobbies/activities? Things we heard from others, or saw in movies? First aid classes, and if so, different types of first aid classes? Why do I believe what I believe, why do you believe what you believe, let's check each others reasons and adjust our beliefs accordingly…

Unfortunately it instead devolved into "these fucking naive people who think they and everyone they love are immortal need a reality check, haha wait until you or your loved ones are bleeding out in front of you" and similar sentiments. (Also a lot of non-statements like "it's not essential until it is". Yeah, the same goes for knowing how to fly a helicopter, but I'm not taking any classes in that any time soon, and if you're not either we agree that "skill that could be essential in certain scenarios" is not the same as "essential skill", and we need additional information to decide what to learn/do.) Which is really frustrating. How is it that we can't even have productive conversations on a comparatively uncontroversial and important issue like this?

Aside from that, I learned approximately two things from reading through the reblogs/tags and replies:

Having a first aid kit in your car is not mandatory everywhere. Somebody used the example of a car accident in front of your house as reason for a first aid kit at home - I'd expect to get one quicker if I check the/any car. (There are crashes that don't leave much car, but not in my area.)

There is a kind of first aid class that exclusively focuses on bleeding emergencies which seems to be fairly common/popular in the US (Stop the Bleed). Huh. I looked around their website, but didn't find a reason for the focus. Bleeding emergencies were a rather small part of the best (and most recent) first aid class I took last (16h Red Cross class in 2015), and I'd really like to know if this is due to different frequencies of different types of emergencies (more gunshot wounds in the US), just a matter of branding/marketing, or something else.

[msviolacea]

This post has been making a larger round that I’m used to seeing with my stuff - which is great, I’m glad it resonated for so many people. I was thinking about it earlier today, and thought I might ramble a bit about a good example of the above that happened to me yesterday.

So, yesterday, for whatever reason, my asshole brain decided to take an entirely innocuous statement my boss made and turn it into unreasoning paranoia that I was about to be disciplined and/or fired, which wasn’t entirely soothed until this morning when I had a very nice, very normal conversation with her and was able to convince the brain weasels to shut up. But I handled the intervening 15 hours or so in a very different way than I would have in years past.

Before medication and therapy, that would have turned last night into a terrifying depression and anxiety spiral. It would have made my stomach churn, made me feel agitated and jumpy all night. I probably would have messaged everyone I knew online and made an ass of myself, begging for validation that my brain wouldn’t absorb. Sleep would have been slow to come, and I would have woken up today either dead or hung over from whatever OTC meds I took to finally pass out. 

Medication dulled the physical reactions to these kinds of scenarios. My stomach would still churn, but not enough to make me feel sick. I still feel a bit agitated, but I have the ability to sit still, and I have enough distance from the feeling to stop myself (usually) from making my anxiety and depression the problem of everyone I know on the internet. It’s not foolproof, but the replacement brain chemicals make it so that the physical things happening in my body are no longer so out of proportion, no longer command so much of my attention. 

But it was therapy, and CBT processes in general, that let me use the distance the medication gave me and talk myself at least partly out of the anxiety. Last night, it went a little something like this:

Depression: I’m a terrible employee and they’re going to find out and everyone is going to hate me.

Rational Brain: Okay, why do you think that?

D: lists all the various improbable events that might have happened to lead to that conclusion.

RB: Okay. How likely is it that all those things happened in that exact order?

D: I mean, it could ... but I guess it’s not super likely.

RB: Okay. So, let’s assume boss does at some point find out you fucked up. She’s found out before. What did she say then?

D: She just empathized and helped me talk through a solution.

RB: And what happened the one time you really and truly fucked up in this job?

D: My old boss sat me down and talked to me like an adult, and helped me come up with ideas for how to be better.

RB: And didn’t you get promoted like 6 months after that?

D: Yeah, I guess I did.

RB: How much of this is still residual trauma from your asshole ex-boss?

D: Ugh, don’t remind me of him.

RB: He hasn’t had power over you for nearly 8 years now.

D: I know.

RB: Fuck that guy. 

D: Yeah, fuck that guy. 

RB: So let’s just table this and play Dreamlight Valley for a while, hmm? D: Sure, I wanna play the new update anyway.

And then I did. 

A note for the more literal-minded: mostly, this wasn’t a conscious conversation. It was a panicky thought interrupted somewhere with the more rational one, which let me go on semi-comfortably until the next panicky thought hit, and the process repeated. It can be a conscious conversation, and was more often when I was new to it, but your brain starts to automate it after a while. 

I still felt uncomfortable last night. I still sat with some measure of low-level panic until this morning. But the medication plus therapy techniques meant I could have a mostly chill night only interrputed by occasional asshole thoughts. And that means the world to me.

So a thing that always bothers me when I see people on Tumblr mention CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, for all you fellow perverts out there - is that if you were told that CBT is about “thinking will make your problem go away” then you either had a shitty therapist (which is entirely likely) or you weren’t listening closely enough (which is also likely for all of us with different flavors of neurodivergence). 

I say this as someone who did CBT to only middling success - it wasn’t a cure-all, but it DID give me some tools that help in very specific aspects of my life. No, stopping and naming my sudden burst of rage or sadness or hopelessness as PMDD or a depressive episode does not make that burst go away. But after doing it for a while, it makes it easier to DEAL with that burst. Reminding myself of that makes it easier to not take it out on someone else, to successfully tell myself “this isn’t someone else’s problem, it will pass soon, it always does, being an asshole about it only makes it worse.” I still feel absolutely shitty, but thanks to that self-training I feel less shitty on the back end than I otherwise would.

When my brain tells me I’m worthless, CBT taught me to immediately follow up by asking “would anyone I care about say that about me?” Does it mean the worthlessness completely disappears? No, but it can function like a rope tying me to reality so I can ride the shitty terrible thoughts out to the other side without doing anything stupid. Sometimes the rope is sturdy. Sometimes it’s embroidery floss. But any tether is better than none at all. 

Does it always work? No. But it works often enough that learning some CBT methods was worth it for me. Knowing what the problem is doesn’t negate the problem. It just reminds me that controlling how I behave when it occurs will make life better for me in the long run. I still need the drugs. I still have other coping mechanisms. That’s just one of them. 

That’s why Behavioral is in the title. CBT isn’t for everyone, and it’s not going to work on every issue. But it can be useful tool in your “deal with my mental illness and/or neurodivergence” toolbox. It’s not a scam. It’s not just pseudo-science bullshit. It’s just training yourself to remember that even if you can’t control the pain, you can control how you react to it, and that control can be a gift to yourself. 

[niqhtlord01]

Humans are weird: Video Games Part 8

Alien: Why would communists flee to space? Human: Tim Curry can go wherever he god damn pleases! --------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: Why do humans feel a need to constantly augment themselves? Alien: Here you have humans trading their body parts away like trading cards for cybernetic eyes, reinforced bones, and even blades that come out of your arms. Alien: Are you not pleased with your own form? Human: It is part of human nature to always improve on what exists. Human: Each of us has our own personal perfection we reach for that at times is so wild and vastly different from the next that it is impossible to lump us together. Alien: Who’s idea of metal blades in their arms could count as perfection? Human: Never again will I need to go searching for a knife to butter my toast. Alien: What? ---------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: So aliens invade and it’s your job to defend against them? Human: Yup. Alien: How often do you win? Human: Not once. Alien: Wha? Human: Yup; my entire team is usually dead by mission 5. ---------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: Why would humans play a life simulator that mimics their own existence? Human: It’s technically a fantasy. Alien: How so? Human: Because you own a home, have a job, and can support yourself and your hobbies. Alien: Can you not do that in real life? Human: Not lately. Alien: Dude……… --------------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: So you can create villages and time travel into the future to see how they pan out? Human: Pretty much. Alien: That sounds amazing! Human: I know right? Human: That way you can see if your villagers become assholes or not and get rid of them. Alien: Wait what? ---------------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: Is this game a historical game or a learning experience? Human: Both. Alien: What does it teach you of the past? Human: To never ford rivers. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: Is it true that video games make you violent? Human: Not all games. Alien: But didn’t you punch a hole in the wall over a farming game yesterday? Human: That was unrelated. Alien: You said “So help me if they don’t buy this crop I will burn them down!” Human: But they did buy it so it all worked out in the end. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: So the plot is breaking into someone else’s home to satisfy your own need for investigation? Human: Yup. Alien: And every time you fail he learns how you broke in before and tries to stop you doing the same thing again? Human: Yup. Alien: You do realize you are actively breaking and entering and terrorizing this man, right? Human: I mean he may or may not have kidnapped someone. Alien: Do you ever find out? Human: Sorta? It gets pretty confusing after a while. --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: Why would anyone want to play a video game about flying? Human: I could think of several reasons; all of them inappropriate and in twisted humor. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: What’s the point of the game? Human: Loot, pillage, and troll. Alien: Pardon me? Troll? Human: You ever see the tears of a crew that spent four hours in a dungeon for a special chest only to have it taken from them by someone who logged on five minutes ago? Alien: You are a monster…. Human: Yar! --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: How is that grey blob terrifying? Alien: It looks harmless. Human: You leave it alone long enough and it starts eating entire planets. Alien: Seriously? Human: I’ve seen it eat aliens whole while they still screamed for help…. Human: I’ve seen some real shit…. -------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: Why is everyone so angry in this game? Human: It’s the post apocalypse…. Human: All the comforts of life are gone…. Human: People are eating other people…. Human: And there is no internet. Alien: Ah, that’d do it. -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: Why are so many people afraid of these rat men? Alien: They are cowards! Human: They have on multiple occasions brought about near world ending events. Alien: You can’t be serious…. Human: They’ve also brought their god into existence and it serves alongside them on a ruling council. Alien: Wait, what? -------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: Why does this game punish you for hurting civilians?! Alien: Do your developers not know what Vikings did? Human: The hero can’t be seen murdering people. Alien: I just saw you push a priest off a cliff and watch their body ragdoll to the river below. Human: The hero can’t be seen murdering “innocent” people is what I meant. -------------------------------------------------------------------------

Human: When the monster gets closer the music starts picking up and things start shaking. Alien: Why not escape the building? Human: All the doors are locked and you need to find the keys. Alien: Or you could just smash the giant two story glass window next to the door and escape. Human: ………… Human: This is why I would probably die in a horror movie. --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alien: So you are paid to kill monsters…. Alien: by humans who are even more monstrous than the monsters? Human: Makes you wonder who the real monsters are. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[skellebonez]

Why Worry At All?

I had so much trouble writing certain parts of this out for some reason, which makes no sense to me because I chose to write this on my own without a prompt. But I finally nailed out the in between parts that were giving me trouble! So... Billy Kametz can sing, huh?

Xiaotian knew what they were hearing. They knew it!

They'd heard Xiaojiao before and she wasn't that deep. They'd never heard Sandy but he had to sound much deeper if he could. Tang and Pigsy were out of the question, Tang couldn’t hold a tune to save his life and Pigsy never did more than hum at a much different octave. It couldn't have been Wukong, he'd still been asleep from overexerting himself in their last fight.

So that only left Macaque as the one who could have been singing outside the med bay door.

“But then I guess we know there’s blame to share... and none of it seems to matter anymore...”

It was such a soft tune, something that Xiaotian barely recognized from a video online he watched long ago. Maybe something Xiaojiao had shown him. Something soft and gentle, which made no sense given the possible culprit. Or the fact he heard it being sing just outside his mentor’s room while he was checking on him. But he was hearing it through the door nonetheless. Almost whisper like in how soft it was, it was too weak to have been heard belted from a distance, and muttered almost a bit off tune. That only left it being from someone right outside the door. But why not just come inside?

Unless the singer, who again Xiaotian was certain was Macaque, didn’t want anyone- even Sun Wukong- to know it was them who was singing and they didn’t realize that anyone was in the room with the power drained immortal.

So, like anyone who heard a mysterious singing voice would do, they pulled out their phone and started recording.

The song only lasted for another few seconds before silence, and then the almost deafening in comparison sound of running footsteps.

And as Xiaotian looked down at the recording on the phone, less than even 20 seconds in length, they were struck by a realization.

“... I can use this.”

~

“Well well well,” Macaque said with a chuckle, turning to face the person who joined him on the deck of the self piloting drone ship. Just where they knew he would be at this hour of the morning. “Didn’t take you for a morning person, kid.”

“I’m not,” Xiaotian grumbled, hair down and unkempt and clearly barely brushed just to keep it out of their face. "But I wanted to check on Wukong after what happened yesterday.”

This made the other’s fur stand up and his tail tense, though whether this was because he realized what Xiaotian meant or of it brought his mind back to the fight of the day prior they couldn’t tell. The fight that, for some reason, Macaque left himself vulnerable during. That left him wiped out and barely able to move out of the way of an oncoming attack. That make Sun Wukong rush in and save him much to the surprise of everyone involved, Macaque himself included.

The fight that Xiaotian was beginning to think was going to change a lot more than just knowing the de-powered duo’s limits.

“You’re going to be honest with me for once.” they proposed, joining the immortal monkey at the guard railing he casually leaned against.

“What makes you think I’m going tell you anything?” Macaque asked, chuckling boastfully and smirking that damn smug smirk he’d been wearing almost every minute since he had been taken onto the ship.

The longer Xiaotian saw it the faker it seemed to be.

“Oh, I dunno... maybe this?” They rebutted, pulling out their phone and hitting play on the open audio file they had pulled up long before the conversation, and they watched with their own smirk as a look of surprise and then horror and then something akin to “resigned but impressed” flashed on the ancient demon’s face.

After hearing the other speak there was no doubt that the two voices were identical now.

“Qi Xiaotian,” Macaque said, an almost cat like smirk gracing his face. This one seemed slightly more honest than the last one. “I didn’t take you for a blackmailer. Maybe I did have an influence on you after all.”

“Why were you singing this outside Wukong’s room?” Xiaotian asked, not in the mood for playing the other’s games this early in the morning. “Why were you trying to hide it? Why did you not realize I was in there? And...” He gestured to his phone, the soft gentle sounds of an almost uncharacteristically sweet song playing through his speakers. “What the hell is this song!?”

“Alright alright,” Macaque said, holding up his hands before he leaned forward on the railing. “No need to give the the third degree, great hero. It’s just a song I heard online.”

“You know how to use the internet?”

Turning his head, Macaque leveled the other with a very over exaggerated wilting gaze of disbelief. “I am honestly offended you’d think I wouldn’t learn how to.”

The tone of voice he had did not give the impression that Macaque even gave a shit, but Xiaotian muttered an apology regardless, to which the other simply laughed at.

“There’s this guy... Bill something? Kinds sounds like me, you know. Found him by chance one day and just kinda looked for all his songs and memorized them a long time ago out of boredom.” He shrugged, a distant far off look on his face. “Almost considered just being a copy cat voice for him once, way before I found out where our great King was, but I never followed through with that. Shame, though, knowing I’m on par with Broadway. Probably could have snagged a pretty decent amount of yuan from desperate fans. Don’t really have much use for money, though so eh.”

He shrugged, and for once he sounded... honest. Just honest.

“I wasn’t really trying to hide it, not from you anyway. Just... didn’t wanna deal with Wukong waking up and hearing me sing for the first time after. Ya know.” He waved his hand with another shrug. “History and all that. It was just a moment I had with myself, nothing more.”

Xiaotian took particular note that he avoided one particular question.

“You’re awful open about all this stuff,” the Monkie Kid mused, the two of them watching the horizon slowly move under the drone ship as the sun rise continued. Everyone else would be getting up soon enough. “Even for blackmail.”

“It’s not really effective blackmail,” Macaque admitted after a moment, tail lazily swishing behind him. “Not content wise, anyway. I was bound to be heard eventually no matter how much I hid. Think of this as more a... reward for you being able to catch me unaware. Take a lot of skill to do that with my ears.”

“I know most of your powers are gone too,” Xiaotian said bluntly, dropping the real piece of information he was here to hold over the other’s head out in the open, and that got Macaque to freeze instantly. “Not like ours are but... I dunno. I didn’t really think that far ahead. But if you still had most of them we wouldn’t be talking right now. You ran away instead of just whooshing into the shadows I know were in the hall. You’ve been wearing earplugs since we let you stay, I saw Sandy give them to you and you’re even wearing them right now, but even with your hearing dulled you would have been able to know I was in that room. You’ve been walking through doors instead of just vanishing. I don’t think I’d seem you walk through one except for at the shadow play before last week, and that was obviously to get my attention. I don’t think I’ve seen you make a clone or transform either, or manipulate a single shadow. Why not flaunt your powers over us, knowing we don’t have ours since you’ve made a point to annoy us about our lost abilities, unless you don’t have yours too?”

The elder said nothing, only growled and glowered out at the horizon before letting out a deep sigh.

“You really are a good kid,” he said with a humorless chuckle. “Smart, too, when actually you put your mind to stuff. But you’re only half right.”

“What do you mean?” Xiaotian asked in shock, amazed that the other was even still admitting to anything point blank at this point.

“I still have all my powers, it’s just... Not a good idea for me to use them too much,” he said vaguely, shrugging his shoulders and turning to walk away from the young man in a way that clearly indicated this line of conversation was over with. “I know you can keep a secret, kid, so do me a favor. Keep quiet about this.”

That same humorless chuckle, the one the young man now realized was more common from the demon’s mouth than not, sounded as he stepped into the forming shadows of the driver’s post from the rising sun and seemed to fall and melt into the floor in an instant.

Xiaotian couldn’t help the flinch that ran through their body at the implications of that final sentence. His training of Xiaotian. The second meeting. The Calabash.

The White Bone Spirit...

“Asshole,” Xiaotian muttered under their breathe, taking the door instead.

~

The very first thing Xiaotian was greeted with when they entered the communal kitchen was low and muttered but still the less than whispered tune of a song by a pop punk bank from overseas.

“Why do we worry at aaaaall,” Macaque sang just loud enough for everyone around him to hear, the baffled and in some cased impressed faces of everyone (barring the presumably still resting Wukong) looking in his direction as he seemingly ignored them to prepare his own fruit based breakfast. “Why, just tell me why do we worry? When worries never happen tell me why, why worry at all?”

When Macaque turned to look at Xiaotian he smirked almost playfully, winking at him.

And the only thing that ran through Xiaotian’s head was “there goes half of my blackmail... asshole.”

Though... when he looked closer...

Macaque seemed oddly tired.

Did he have the dark bags under his eyes during their conversation before?

[lucy90712]

Dream- face reveal

wc- 1971 

Warnings: use of dreams real name

~ I have been friends with this guy on the internet Dream for about 5 years now, we talk all the time but we have never met in person and I have never seen his face. He doesn't show his face on the internet and I've never asked so it just never happened, he knows what I look like all too well because I like sending him stupid selfies and we FaceTime in the middle of the night all the time.

We have been trying to meet in person for years but things keep getting in the way and changing our plans first family issues, then a hurricane and then a whole pandemic. Despite all of this we have finally set a date to meet which is not going to change not for anything or anyone. It's going to be a big day or should I say month, as insane as it sounds I'm going to move in with Dream and Sapnap one of our other friends for a little while to really make this trip worth it even if it only lasts that long.

The process has been difficult because for me to get to Florida I need to get a plane which requires me to get tested before I fly and for my own piece of mind I have been strictly quarantining for the past two weeks but its finally here. I fly out tomorrow morning. I went and got tested yesterday and got my negative result today which I need to get on the plane.

I've been packing all day today because to be there for a month I need a bunch of my set up and cameras so that my content doesn't just stop but then I also need clothes and I can't seem to get both things to fit quite right.

At one point my phone started ringing but there was a mountain of stuff everywhere so I had to dig around to find it and when I did I saw that it was a FaceTime call from Dream, I picked up and immediately put my phone down to get on with my 5th attempt at packing.

"Yo hows it going?" Dream asked

"I'd say pretty average right now I'm super excited for tomorrow but my bag is giving me a hell of a fight" I replied

"Prop your phone up and I'll try and help" he said

I did as I was told and got my small tripod to rest my phone in where you could see what I was looking at. Honestly it was a mess and I was kind of embarrassed but Dream didn't need to know that and besides my face wasn't in frame so he couldn't see how embarrassed I was. I attempted putting everything in a slightly different way to last time which seemed to work until it came to fitting in my tripod and my wash bag of which there was no room for.

"Fuck sake I thought I had it then" I raged slightly

"Ok take out the webcam and forget about the tripod because I have ones that you can use and then try because I think that should give you enough room" he said

"Hell yeah thanks dream" I said after zipping up the suitcase

I flopped back on the floor tired from the minimal amounts of effort I had put in today which just shows how incredibly unfit I am. I recovered before getting up and moving my phone to my desk where I sat to talk to Dream.

We talked for a while until Sapnap came in and I talked to him for a little while, he's been living with Dream for a few months so he warned me about a few things like you don't wake Dream up which I took note of and he told me that Dream will just come and sit in your stream. Eventually they had to leave so I was left on my own to just kind of chill until it was an acceptable time to go to sleep.

Skip to the morning

I woke up at 5am when my alarm went off, I have a love hate relationship with my alarm because I only ever use it when I have something going on which is exciting but the sound makes me want to throw my phone out the window. Despite my annoyance I got up and went straight to the bathroom to shower and get dressed, I thought about wearing something nice but then I realised I had a 5 hour flight and I couldn't bare the thought of being sat down for that long not in comfy clothes. My comfy outfit consisted of leggings and one of my ex boyfriends hoodies because I never gave it back and I'm over it enough to just wear the hoodie whenever I want.

At just before 6 I got in my Uber to head to the airport seeing as my flight was at around 8 it would be wise to get there early. I wasn't sure how busy the airport would be seeing as you aren't meant to travel but I don't think I've ever seen an airport that wasn't busy.

I made it to the airport and as I assumed it wasn't heaving but there was still a fair amount of people around. I made my way through the crowds and checked in for my flight before heading through security and then making it to the main part of the airport. That part was less busy as there is more space for people to spread out into which made me much less anxious about people being too close. I had a little while to wait for my flight so I went and got some food because I haven't eaten today, and I don't want to end up with a headache.

When it was time for my flight to board I went to the gate and got straight into my seat watching as more people boarded but not as many as I expected, it was clear that all of the people on the flight had a good reason to be going to Florida and not just going on holiday and no one was sat together so all rules were being adhered to.

My flight landed 5 hours later and everyone filed off the plane going there own way leaving me kind of lost in a place that I wasn't used to and with the anxiety of going to meet Dream for the first time. I had a bit longer to wait because I had to get an Uber to the house even though dream offered to come and pick me up I told him not to because the less people at the airport the better and just incase people recognised me I didn't want him to accidentally face reveal.

I collected my suitcase and went straight out to the car park to get in my uber who was waiting just outside the doors in the designated area for taxis. As soon as I got in the car I text Dream letting him know I was on my way and sharing my location just in case things went south.

My uber stopped outside this one house and I got out walking up the drive taking in the house number to make sure I was at the right place which I was. Thats when the nerves really kicked in, I was about to meet one of my best friends in person for the first time. This is so insane to think that after all there years we get to do all the stupid things friends do.

I got to the door and rang the doorbell waiting the few excruciating seconds before I heard movement behind it indicating that there was someone there. It opened slowly and the first person I saw was sapnap who of course I was excited to see but we have talked properly on FaceTime before so I already know what he looks like.

Next another person popped up behind pushing sapnap out the way and giving me a hug straight away I knew it had to be dream but he ran over so quick that I didn't get to take in anything other than the fact he was hugging me. He pulled away and I got to look at his face, he looked pretty much exactly how I thought he would from the descriptions I have heard. As much as wavy length doesn't sound like a thing it somehow fit his hair and his eyes were also super green, he was definitely taller than I expected though this man towered over me like it was nothing and could definitely push me to the ground in a second but he looked kind just how you want a friend to be.

After a few minutes of freaking out that this was actually happening they let me inside and gave me a tour of the house showing me my room and the set up they had put together for me with a webcam and tripod just like dream said. They finished off the tour before I was made to sit and play whatever game they wanted with them.

We played an assortment of games for hours on end before we ordered food for dinner which we ate all chilling on the sofa. I almost forgot that my followers didn't know I was here but when I remembered I stole patches from dream and got him to take a picture of me with her to post on twitter and Instagram because people would get it without me having to explain. Not much of a grand reveal considering Sapnap did the same when he got here but I didn't really have any other ideas I mean its not like I can just do dream's face reveal for him with a picture on my twitter can I. The response to my tweet was insane within minutes people had got it trending and they were freaking out with all sorts of theories of if I'd officially moved in or if I was just visiting although both were kind of right.

Having spent a few hours here now I feel very at home they boys are really welcoming making sure I'm all good and not too tired after my flight which of course I am but sleep is for the weak so I'll wait. I have been told to call the two of them by their real names unless its on stream which feels kind of odd because I'm use to calling them what their know by despite knowing their real names the whole time. They have given me a nickname which I now go by to make it fair.

It was sad when the day came to an end when we all decided it was best to get some sleep even though I think their going to stay up and they said it for my own sake because I've been yawning non stop for the past 2 hours but either way I'm going to go to sleep and this day (one of the best days of my life) will become that of a memory.

Although I don't think this day could have gone any better its consisted of everything I've ever wanted to have in a friend but none of my friends back home if you can call them friends are into the same things as me so it never works out. Now I have two friends who share the same interests and have the same god awful sleep schedule so we can stay up messing around together if we want to which is what life as a 20 year old should be like. Fun.

[flowerpowell]

The Royal Holiday Romance (Liam x MC)

PART FIVE

A/N: We’re almost done with this mini series! Thank you to everyone who leaves feedback - it’s such a motivation to keep writing! I hope you’ll enjoy this chapter as well!

Rating: G

Tagging: @gardeningourmet​ @delightfullypinkglitter​ @twinkleallnight​ @kingliam-rys​ @sfb123​ @iaminlovewithtrr​ @gkittylove99​ @texaskitten30​ @kingliam2019​ @queen-arabella-of-cordonia​ @lodberg​ @shanzay44​ ❣

“Lunch?”

Victoria smiled at the message Liam just sent her. She had just shot her scene of the day and was packing her bag to head back to the hotel.

“Gladly.”

“I can be at your hotel in twenty minutes, is that alright?”

“Perfect :)”

Twenty minutes to change her clothes and refresh herself wasn’t a lot but she wanted to see Liam so bad that she was actually glad she didn’t have to wait too long. She was falling for him, slowly but steadily. It was the first time she let herself catch any feelings after having her heart broken by a senior in her drama club, when she was a freshman. The guy who had been her crush for a few months, broke up with her on the day she told him she loved him, claiming he couldn’t be in a serious relationship with a freshman because he had a promising career and she didn’t.

Victoria shook her head trying to get rid of the memories. It was a long time ago. And Liam was different. And most importantly, he wasn’t any famous or concerned about his career.

~~~~

“I’m telling her today,” Liam murmured, putting on his coat. Drake’s raised eyebrow suggesting he didn’t believe his best friend’s promises.

“I really am. That’s why I invited her to lunch today. I’ll be honest with her.”

“I hope so. She was honest with you and it’s only fair you tell her the truth as well.”

“I know. But you can’t blame me for not wanting her to see me as the King. I really enjoyed being just Liam with her.” Liam sighed. Why was his life so complicated?

“I understand but I also think that if you want to continue it, no relationship should be based on a lie,” Drake replied.

Relationship.

Liam smiled at the thought but his smile quickly disappeared. He wasn’t sure if she would want to continue this relationship or whatever it was after learning the truth. Dating a King wasn’t anything like dating a normal guy. She said she didn’t like being in the center of attention, which was why she was struggling as an actress but being a King’s girlfriend or wife would be putting her literally in the center of attention.

What wife? Liam, stop thinking about it. You’re getting ahead of yourself, yet again.

It was so easy to think about it, though. He felt understood, he felt like a part of him, a long forgotten part of him was unlocked again with her. And it was mostly because… she saw him as Liam. He was just Liam.

If only my life was easier.

~~~~

“I don’t understand why this place is so empty this time of the day! The food is delicious,” Victoria commented as she took another bite of her lasagne.

Liam bit his lip not wanting to admit it was the most popular place in the town but he closed it for them to have a conversation. He didn’t want to risk anyone recognizing him before Victoria learned the truth.

“And the owner is so nice! I don’t have that many followers but maybe if I posted a picture from here on my Instagram, it’d get more customers. Oh! Or I can ask Hana to post the picture! She has twenty million followers!” Victoria took out her phone and snapped a few pictures.

“That’s so kind of you,” Liam noticed. He was falling more and more in love with her. She cared about people she didn’t even know and she wanted to help them. She’d make a great Queen. Liam couldn’t stop thinking what it would feel like to be cared for by her just the same, if she was his wife.

“Victoria, there’s… something I wanted to discuss with you,” he started. Victoria put down her phone and locked her eyes with his.

“Did something happen?”

“No… Yes. Well…”

“Okay, wait, I think… I think I get it,” she said sadly.

“You… You do?” Did she google him? Did someone tell him he was a King? Did—

“I do. You had a great time with me but I live in America and you live here and I’m an actress, well, a crappy one if you ask me but whatever, and you don’t think it’s gonna work out and maybe it’s better if we’re friends.” She finished and Liam’s eyes widened.

“That’s not exactly what I planned to say,” he ran his hand through his hair. It was a nervous twitch that he had and the one Victoria always noticed.

“You probably would say something more elaborate with your lovely accent; mine is just a short, harsh, American version of it,” she tried to laugh but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“I… wasn’t trying to break up with you… I mean… We’re not dating…Or are we?”

“No… I think? I don’t know… I thought, after yesterday…” she trailed off and quickly composed herself. “I probably got carried away. I’m sorry. I understood it all wrong. Of course we can be friends.”

Liam blinked a few times trying to understand her chaotic speech. She truly was the most interesting woman he ever met.

“No, I thought the same. I mean, about dating. I mean…” Goodness, he was awkward. For someone who gave speeches on a daily basis, he was very inarticulate at the moment. “I never asked you properly to be my girlfriend but I would very much like you to be one.”

“Oh.” She cleared her throat. “So that’s what you wanted to talk about? I assumed you wanted to stop seeing me.”

“No! Never!” The owner of the restaurant looked up from his phone at Liam’s raised voice. “I don’t want to stop seeing you. Quite the opposite, I was hoping we could see each other more but I wasn’t sure if you would want to.” Because I’m the King of the country, my schedule is busy and I lied to you, he added in his thoughts.

“Why wouldn’t I want to? Liam, I might have met you recently but I feel like I know a lot about you. And I told you a lot about me, too. And… And even though, I’m not the first to jump into a relationship like that, I feel that what we have… would be a good base for our… relationship. I think,” she mumbled.

Liam closed his eyes. She did know him. She knew him better than all the nobles he’d known for ages. She got to know the side of him that was unavailable for everyone else. She got to know Liam. And he couldn’t pretend he didn’t like it. He loved being Liam. Not King Liam. Liam. Just Liam. And he could be that with her.

“Does it mean… you do want to…” He started, unsure of where he was going.

“Be your girlfriend?” He smiled at her faintly. “Absolutely.”

~~~~

“So just for the record.” Drake was pacing back and forth in Liam’s bedroom. “You met up with her to tell her the truth… But ended up asking her to be your girlfriend… Without actually telling her the truth?”

“So it may seem.”

“Are you crazy?!”

“Drake, please. I know what you’re trying to tell me but I have no idea what to do.”

“Um… tell her truth?! Maybe?”

“I wish it was that easy,” Liam huffed.

“Would be easier if you told her who you are from the very beginning.”

“I know! I tried! I couldn’t! I don’t… I don’t want to lose her,” he added quietly.

After lunch, Liam took her on a walk and they spend a whole day talking and kissing. He felt so happy he couldn’t say anything. To say he scared to lose her would be an understatement. He was terrified.

“Listen, Li… You know I want the best for you but the chances that you’ll lose her are higher when she doesn’t know. The longer you wait… Let me just say, it may end very badly for you.”

Liam sighed as Drake left his room. He knew it. He knew he shouldn’t wait so long with telling her. But for some reason, being with her made him forget about being a King.

How could he ever bring that up?

~~~~

He couldn’t tell her.

They met up every single day for almost two weeks and the topic was never brought up. He couldn’t. When he was with her, he forgot about the whole world.

Every evening, when he came back to the palace, with a lovesick smile on his face, he couldn’t look Drake in the eyes because he knew what his best friend would tell him.

And he’d be right.

But Drake never saw the way Victoria looked at him. He didn’t know how Victoria made Liam feel. And he could never know, how nearly impossible it was for a King to find something like that.

He was equally surprised and happy that Victoria still hadn’t figured out who he was. He once broached the subject and Victoria told him she never checked the Internet or television or read any magazines. She said she hated gossip and didn’t want to read anything about her online. Liam sighed with relief at her words. His secret was safe, at least for a little longer.

He was also happy when Victoria told him she prolonged her stay in Cordonia. She finished shooting all of her scenes but decided to stay a bit longer, at least until Hana would be finished with her scenes. Which meant she was staying for at least five more weeks.

That meant five more weeks with her. 

And five more weeks of hiding the truth.

~~~~

Victoria was walking to her hotel straight from the set. It was a beautiful day, sunny but cold, and she decided to take a longer way home. Besides going on set and dates with Liam, she didn’t walk anywhere by herself. She didn’t have to. Liam showed her around and she felt she knew Cordonia very well. She was strolling along the street, admiring the view when she noticed two girls, teenagers maybe, pointing their fingers at her and laughing.

Oho, someone does watch my crappy movies and recognizes me.

She smiled at them and walked past them, ignoring the laughter.

Victoria didn’t even manage to walk five more meters before she noticed a woman sizing her up.

Another fan? She wondered as she smiled lightly. The woman didn’t like it. She came up to Victoria and jostled her.

“What are you doing?” Victoria asked but the woman spitted on her.

“Whore!” She yelled, making all the passersby stop and look at them.

“Excuse me? I think you mistook me for someone.” Victoria took a step back. She never played a whore in any movie and she was sure the woman made a mistake.

“You’re a whore! Leave our King alone, you American bitch! You won’t get famous using him!” The woman yelled. Victoria quickly backed away, noticing a few people taking photos. She ran back to her hotel room and closed the door. To calm down, she took a long shower and made herself a cup of tea.

“Tori?” She heard Hana call out.

“Here!” Victoria answered from her bedroom. Now that she was calm, she decided to go online and see why people were taking pictures of her and what happened. She had an uneasy feeling that the woman didn’t make any mistake, however, she still didn’t understand what she was saying.

“You okay? I’ve heard someone attacked you on the street?”

“I’m fine. It wasn’t an attack. I think a lady mistook me for someone. But some people took pictures of me and I want to check if they wrote anything.”

Hana nodded and sat down next to her friend as Tori opened a new tab and googled her name. Both Victoria and Hana raised their eyebrows when they saw the headlines: 

American Media Whore Seduces the King! How Victoria Brooks, an actress known to no one is using King Liam to get on top. EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS.

With shaking hands Victoria opened the article, chewing on her bottom lip nervously. Hana looked at her concerned.

“I don’t understand, Tori… You met the King?”

“I didn’t! I never even saw him!” Victoria was nearly crying. “He never showed up at the dinner and I never heard of him again!”

Victoria closed her eyes as the page was loading. She always hated attention but it seemed like she couldn’t escape it. But who came up with such lies?

The page loaded and Victoria saw pictures of her and Liam; their date in the park, when they were leaving her hotel, them kissing on the beach… But what did it have to do with the King?

She turned to Hana and saw her friend, staring at the photos with her eyes wide open in shock.

“That’s… the guy you’ve been seeing?” Her voice was almost a whisper.

“Yes. That’s Liam. I just don’t understand it… Is he related to the King? Or what?”

“Tori… This is the King. Liam. King Liam. He’s the King of Cordonia.”

--

[thejilyship]

11. A Step Behind You

Hey everyone! I wanted to post this last week, but I only just got the internet situation figured out, so thank you for your patience! This is the third prompt that I’ve written for Jilytober from my list that you all voted on! 

Muggle office romance au

WC: 2.2k

James just wanted to get home before Sirius, Remus and Peter ate all of his mother’s Christmas biscuits. 

He had tried to steal a couple before heading into the office, but Mia Potter had insisted that he had to wait until tonight and then kicked him out of the house after she caught him in the kitchen ten minutes later, again, trying to knick a biscuit before he had to go to work. 

Also, he was angry that he had to be in the office this close to Christmas in the first place. 

He typed away at his computer, wondering why his boss had been so adamant that he wanted James in the office, when he clearly could have finished up these reports at home.

There were a few other people scattered through the office, looking just as miserable as he felt. 

He was falling into a hypnotic state, hearing nothing but the sound of the keys at the ticking of the clock. Still thinking about the Christmas biscuits. 

And then, out of the corner of his eyes, a flash of red. 

His breath hitched and he whipped his head around, spotting her rushing down the hallway. 

He didn’t know her name, he only saw her every few weeks, and he’d never been able to work out which department that she worked in. He didn’t want to be a creep either, so he couldn’t try too hard. He had just kept hoping that they would eventually run into one another. 

Now, she was carrying a watering can. 

And that just felt like the kind of thing he was allowed to follow her down the hallway to ask about. 

He jumped up from his chair, work and biscuits pushed from his mind, as he followed after her. 

“Excuse me!” He called out, spotting her at the other end of the hallway.

She stopped short, her hair swinging back and forth like a pendulum in her plait. She spun around to face him. “Yes?” 

“What are you doing?” He asked, his hand jumping to his hair now that she was looking directly at him. Her eyes were green. He hadn’t noticed that before. They were a brilliant shade of green as well. 

She looked down at the watering can and then up at him. “I’m surprised no one else has asked me yet,” She gave him a small smile and his heart skipped in his chest. “I came in to pick up my plants before Christmas break, but then I noticed that almost everyone in my office left plants here, so I thought that I would just water them so they’re not all dead when everyone comes back next week.” 

“Oh,” James blinked, not knowing what he had thought her answer was going to be, but the one that she’d given him was just so damn sweet. “Would you like some help?” 

She smiled again, dimples forming at the corners of her mouth. “I’d love some help.” Then she waved for him to follow her and turned around, continuing down the hallway.

James jogged after her so he could catch up. 

And he found out that she worked on his floor. 

For the last few months, all he had to do was follow her down this one hallway and he would have found out that she worked in billing, on the same floor as he did. How had they not ran into one another?

“My name is Lily, by the way.” She said, turning to look over her shoulder as she stepped into the first cubicle in the room and then turned to carefully pour water on a fern on the corner of the desk. “I’m not sure that we’ve met before.” 

“We haven’t.” James said, and then he furrowed his brow. Did he say that too quickly? “I’ve seen you around before, but I didn’t know that you worked just down the hall here. My name is James.” He knew that he needn’t have said all of that and he could feel his ears warming. 

Luckily, she didn’t notice his embarrassment, because she was now focusing on a second fern on the other side of the desk. “Well, I walk past your office almost every day, so I’ve definitely seen you around before.” She looked up and smiled at him, and then she was off to the next cubicle. 

He blinked after her and then followed her again. “What can I do to help?” 

Lily shrugged her shoulders. “I was hoping that you wouldn’t get wise on me, but I only have one watering can. I was hoping to keep you around for the company so that I could ask you for a favor in a few minutes.” 

James had already been intrigued by this girl but she had him on her rope now. He crossed his arms over his chest. “The company? And what if I have important things I should be doing right now?” 

She turned to face him fully, smiling with her dimples again. “Then you probably wouldn’t have offered to help me water plants. Here,” She handed him the watering can and then riffled through the top drawer for a pad of sticky notes and a pen. “Go to the next one, I’ll be right there.” 

James didn’t even question why he was listening to her, he just did as he was told. Which, if anyone who knew him could see him just then, they would think that was very strange. James Potter never did something just because he was told to do it. 

But now he was watering plants, and Lily was following behind him with the sticky notes and the pen. 

“What are you writing?” He asked after the fourth desk. 

“Goodbye notes.” She said, drawing a very embellished heart. 

“But they won’t see these notes until they see you again. Aren’t we watering the plants because-” He stopped and pushed his glasses up his nose. “You said that you were coming to collect your plants.” 

Lily nodded. “I did say that. I got a new job that I started after the new year. My last day was yesterday.” 

James frowned and Lily smiled at him. 

“This is where most people would congratulate a person.” 

“Right,” James nodded, “Right of course, congratulations! Where is your new job?” 

“At a primary school a few blocks west of here,” Lily smiled. “I’ve finally gotten my degree finished, so I get to start teaching!” 

“In the middle of the year?” 

“Yes,” Lily grinned. “One of the teachers went on maternity leave a week ago, so I’ll be taking over her classroom until she gets back.”

“Well that worked out perfectly!” He should have tried to talk to her before today. 

“Yes,” Lily was still grinning and James’ heart was still jumping around in his chest. “I’ve actually had a string of good luck lately.”

And now she was about to tell him that she had a boyfriend and demolish his hopes even further. 

“Like when you asked me what I was doing. That was lucky.” 

James narrowed his brow. He hadn’t been expecting that. “Why was that lucky?” 

“Because I’d never had a reason to go into your office, so I’d never had an opportunity to talk to you before. And I’m never going to have a reason to come back into this building, so,” She shrugged and the peeled off the sticky note and stuck it to the pot that James had just watered. “I don’t know, I’ve got nothing to lose here so I might as well be honest, yes? I think you are rather handsome.” 

James blinked at her, taken aback at her straightforward comment, but also completely shocked that she had noticed him in the same capacity that he had noticed her. 

“Biscuits?” He said stupidly and Lily wrinkled her nose in confusion. 

“Excuse me?” 

“I- I,” His hand was already buried in his hair at this point and he furrowed his brow. “That isn’t what I meant to say.” 

“I thought not,” Lily nodded and then started tapping the pen on her pad of sticky notes. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable-”

“You didn’t.” He said quickly. “I think my brain just- listen,” He dropped his hand from his hair to his side and thens et the watering can down on the desk. “I have obviously noticed you around the office before, and a moment ago I was just kicking myself for never trying to catch you in the hallway.” 

She was smiling again, and James took that to be a good sign. “And you said biscuits because…” 

“My mum is having a holiday biscuit party tonight. I’ve been thinking about them all day.” He shook his head. “Which sounds dumb, but I’m trying to ask you if you’d like to come with me. Unless that’s a terrible idea. I’m saying it outloud and it sounds like it might be a terrible idea.” 

Lily’s smile disappeared. “Is it a terrible idea?” 

“I just asked you to come to a family Christmas party for a first date, that definitely sounds like something that will scare you off.” 

“But it’s a biscuit party.” 

“Yes.” 

“I like like biscuits and I’m not afraid of meeting people either. How many biscuits could I eat before people look at me weird?” 

James started smiling again. It felt very nice to know that his intuition about this girl had been right. “I mean, so long as we don’t see the biscuits that you eat again, no one is going to look at your weird.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “So you want to come then?” 

“Yes,” Lily nodded, poking his arm with the end of the pen. 

“Do you have an ugly Christmas jumper?” 

“Of course.” Lily bounced on her heels and James laughed. “I love Christmas parties and it’s been a while so I’m very excited. Let’s finish up here so I can get home and change!” 

James laughed again and nodded, “Alright, let’s go.” And he picked up the watering can again and headed to the next desk, now even more anxious to get off work.

He still didn’t think that it was a good idea to bring Lily on a first date where not only Remus and Peter would be, but also Sirius and his mother. It actually seemed like a terrible idea when he remembered that Sirius and his mother would be there. It was almost a guarantee that they would scare her off. 

“Are you sure you want to come? I can take you-”

“I’m sure I want to come,” Lily cut him off, peeling off another note and sticking it to another coworkers desk. “The fact that you’re second guessing so much only makes me want to come more.” 

“Giving me a hard time already? We haven’t known each other for more than twenty minutes.” James sighed as he moved on to the next plant. “You’re going to fit right in at this party.” 

She looked over at him, her eyes sparkling. “I knew I was going to like you.” 

“Yeah, well, just remember that when my mum starts asking you how many kids you want.” 

She laughed out loud, startling him slightly, but then he was chuckling along with her. 

“Six.” She said suddenly, looking back at her sticky notes.

“Six?” James’ eyes widened. 

“Four?” Lily offered, looking back up at him. “I’m not entirely sure, but I know it has to be an even number more than two. I was one of two, and my sister and I don’t get along. I think if there were a few more siblings, then we would have had more people to fight with and it would have been spread out more.”

“I was an only child growing up, so my mother will be thrilled with that answer.” 

“Excellent.” She poked him with the pen again. “Alright, I think that’s everyone. Can you help me carry my things down to my car? I don’t know how I managed to accumulate so much stuff over the last year.” 

“Of course,” James set down the watering can and followed her to a counter on the back wall that had two boxes, one full of plants, the other full of books and trinkets. The contents of either box could comfortably fit into the other. “This isn’t so much.” 

“I had a bigger box that I took home with me yesterday.” Lily admitted. “But I uh,” She cocked her head to the side and eyed him before picking up the box with the books in it. “I wanted to make sure that I had enough stuff left here for two boxes so I could ask you for help.” 

“You know,” James picked up the box of plants. “For someone who hasn’t had the nerve to just walk into my office and talk to me, you’ve got a lot of nerve.” 

Lily laughed, “Yes, well, you’re bringing me home to meet your family. My confidence has been bolstered.” 

And as he followed her down to her car, carrying a box of plants that she’d packed separately just so she’d have a reason to talk to him, his heart skipping happily in his chest and his cheeks already sore from all the smiling he’d been doing, he had a feeling that he was stepping into the rest of his life. 

Because he was quite certain that there weren't many places that he wouldn’t follow Lily. 

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

A couple of days ago I sat in a car for fifteen hours and listened to a few different audio recordings during the hours in which I was not driving (I did turn them off for some parts, because I can’t use headphones while driving and I was not about to subject my parents to any of that), and while those played I had some Britcom-related thoughts that I couldn’t write down properly at the time. So last night I made a few posts in a row that distilled many hours’ worth of me listening to weird things in a car.

There’s one of those that I didn’t post yesterday, and I thought about whether I should post it at all, because it involves a clip from one of those illicit live show recordings that I can morally justify listening to but not sharing. I’ve watched lots of stand-up clips on YouTube before, including plenty that were recorded on a phone by someone who wasn’t supposed to be recording, but it’s different to have an entire show. I’ve found a couple of those Daniel Kitson bootlegs where someone secretly recorded the whole thing and put it on the internet, and I’ve said I’ll take advantage of them for myself but I don’t want to proliferate it. But on the other hand, I really want to share this.

My compromise is that I wanted to cut out the whole story, but instead I just took two minutes of it. Two minutes barely counts. Two minutes don’t tell you anything. Two minutes are the equivalent of watching one of those quick badly filmed YouTube clips. But two minutes are just enough for me to be able to able to tell the story I really want to tell and have people understand what I’m talking about.

And the story is: Okay, it’s just after 10 PM. My parents and I have been in the car for about 14 hours. We’re driving through the rural Maritimes, it’s pitch dark aside from the lights of the car. I’m in the back with headphones on and noise canceling switched on because that cancels out some of the static in the recording, so I can’t hear anything but the comedy show I’m listening to. Whenever something funny happens, which is really often, I avoid laughing out loud. At some point I hear a story that makes me laugh so hard I cover my mouth to smother the laughter so I don’t disturb my parents on this beautiful quiet drive.

I feel a hand on my leg, and it makes me jump. I pause the video and pull my headphones off. I see my mother, turned around in the front seat, her worried face illuminated by the dashboard lights. “What’s wrong?” she asks me. I quickly work out what the problem is: I thought I was being quiet, but apparently I’d started laughing so hard that despite my best efforts I was making noise. But the fact that I was making such an effort to stifle it meant the laughter came out in what sounded like choked out sobs. She thought I was crying in the back of the car. I told her I wasn’t, I was laughing, and she seemed relieved but still a bit concerned. She asked me what had caused this.

I then had to stop myself from laughing again, even more at how difficult it would be to explain this than at the story itself. “I'm listening to a guy in 2003 describe the time John Oliver called him a cunt and said he’d be willing to get cancer in exchange for this guy dying overnight, even though this guy was polite enough to only masturbate out the window while crashing on his couch to avoid damaging the carpet, and explaining that the reason for this sentiment is that they’re best friends. Sorry, Mom, I held it together until the word ‘cunt’. It’s a funny word.”

Of course, the story should really have ended with: “and then we fucked up a cow and drank some chocolate milk.” I know what those two were up to in 2003.

[tomtenadia]

Island Dreams - Chapter 10

Hello everyone! Chapter 10 is finally here and is a good 5k words. I hope you will enjoy. we finally get to know a bit more about Rowan and Lyria and yes, we get to meet her... have your rotten veggies at the ready.

Things are still a slow burn but our lovely are taking one step at a time... they have still too much to deal with. But we almost there. I promise.

Happy reading!

-------

A couple of days had elapsed and Aelin was on her way to the bookshop with a box in her hands and a smug grin. Once inside the she noticed it was empty. “Rowan?” She called but no reply came. Where the heck was he? “Rowan?” She shouted louder “The shop is open and there is no one around.” With a thus, she dumped the box on the desk and the backpack behind it and went looking for him and found him five minutes later in the back of the shop, deep in conversation with the delivery man. He noticed her arrival and turned “What?” He asked at her annoyed expression. “The shop is unmanned.” Aelin explained, pointing at it with her extended arm. “It was just for five minutes.” Was his excuse. She stormed away and went back to the front of the shop getting ready for another day. Quietly she walked around the shop and took great care in fixing some of the display that looked a bit sad, then she took note of what needed replenishing and restocked some of the most popular titles. They had a few busy days and hoped for a repeat because she was enjoying herself immensely.

“I am back.” Rowan had finally reappeared. “We have been quite busy yesterday, I was just replenishing some shelves.” With a big grin painted on his face he took her hand and dragged Aelin to her history display showing her that her book was now sold out thanks to her display. “I won the bet?” She jumped in excitement, clapping her hands in front of her. “You definitely did and I have to treat you to a massive lunch.” “Told you.” She folded her arms and he smiled back. “I admit my defeat.” Rowan’s hands went up in a yielding gesture. “Good, because I have a present for you.” She walked to the counter and grabbed the box for him while he joined her at her side with a curious expression painted on his face. “Open.” Aelin gave him the box. Rowan opened the box and froze when he noticed it contained a mobile phone. “I don’t understand.” He looked at her. “It’s for you.” Slowly he opened the box and took the mobile phone out “Aelin, this is an expensive gift. I would have bought one if it really meant a lot to you.” Aelin shook her head “No, this is a present from me.” Then searched his eyes “And there might be a little bit of a selfish reason in it.” His expression was puzzled. “The night of the storm, I woke up and I was terrified I wanted to call you and realised I couldn’t. Sometimes I am reading a book and I want to share my reactions with you in the moment and I can’t.” Rowan held the mobile in his hands not sure what to do with it, but Aelin went in his help. She began showing him all the buttons, then switched it on and set it up for him. “Enter you code.” Rowan looked at her, again as if she was speaking a secret language he did not know. “It’s a four digits code that you use to access the phone. You can also set up your fingerprint recognition, but we can do that later.” “When is your birthday?” He asked with curiosity. “September 15th.” “So, 1509 it is” Aelin laughed and entered the code for him. After that she spent half an hour going through all the functions of the basic apps and how to download more. Then she went to the contact list and added her phone humber. “This is my number. Now you can call me and text me whenever you want.” She turned to him and his smile had her toes curl. A moment later she was beside him and pulled him closer and instructed him to put his arms around her neck. Rowan complied and in addition placed a kiss on her temple and in that moment Aelin took a picture of them. That picture became Rowan’s home screen “Perfect,” she muttered, pleased by her job then she turned and gave the phone to him. “You are all set up. You will have to select a ringtone.” “I need to decide which song. Can I add any song I want?” Aelin nodded “Once you have chosen, let me know and I will do it for you.” Rowan played a bit with the piece of technology in his hands that still felt alien to him. “I also have another idea.” She said timidly “Facebook and Instagram,” and again Rowan’s face was one big puzzle and she thought there was something incredibly fascinating in the fact that he didn’t have a mobile until half an hour before and had no clue about the whole world of social media. He was a rare human being. “They are platforms where people share things. Facebook you share things about you and Instagram is for photos.” Rowan flinched. He was not keen on sharing his life on the internet. “But not for you. I have a feeling you would not like that. I was thinking about the bookshop.” She explained “We can create a Facebook page for the shop, on there you can share book recommendations, you can write reviews and talk about new books you get in. You can promote the shop. Instagram you can use it to share photos of the shop and also promote books.” She continued and saw interest dawn on his features “You can advertise your shop on the visit Outer Hebrides website, so if you have tourist browsing for things in Stornoway you will appear in the list.” Rowan was staring at her in amazement “I love the idea very much.” Aelin smiled and launched herself to his computer “Good, now go and deal withe the customers while I work my magic.” “As you wish…”

When Rowan came back from dealing with the customers he noticed that Aelin was very busy at work on his computer. “You know that I will need that soon?” “Paperwork can wait.” She replied not even lifting her head to look at him and Rowan used the moment to admire her a bit more. Everyday since they had started talking, she had surprised him. In every possible way. And now she had gone and transformed into his marketing agent “Why do you care so much?” He was curious. This was not her business but she seemed to have decided to help him in every possible way. “Because independent bookshops are something precious. You are the only one on the entire island. Or at least the only one this big.” Rowan smiled at her and her eyes seemed to turn even more blue. “Speaking of which… orders… You know you could have someone create a website for you and people could place orders online?” Rowan cringed a bit. He was so old fashioned it was pitiful “I don’t know…” his hand scratched the back of his neck. “Ro,” she said, coming away from behind the counter and stopping in front of him. He realised that he actually liked when she called him Ro. “Think about it. You could extend your business from Lewis all the way down to Barra. Other islanders could buy your books online and you’d post them. Of course the postage is at their expenses, but even large bookstore chains do that.” He could kiss her. She was brilliant and he could just kiss her. “I have a friend in London who can help you with the website. You can speak of the phone, he can send you ideas via email…” he noticed she stopped. “Please tell me you have an email.” Rowan rolled his eyes “I might not be evolved enough to have a mobile phone, but I do have an email address and I can use the internet and I buy things online. I am not that much of an underdeveloped oaf.” And he noticed that Aelin began laughing and her laughter was music to his ears. “Sure. Now stop talking. You got customers.” “Yes, ma’am.” and he flashed her a military salute. Once he was done he walked behind her and stared at what she was doing at the pc. “This is you Facebook page.’ And she showed him what to do. How to create posts and update pictures. “So, do I just… talk about books?” Aelin nodded and Rowan took a step closer to her. His chest was not hard against her back. He thought for a moment she would react badly but she surprised him when he felt her leaning into him. His right hand clenched and unclenched at his side resisting the urge to run his hand against her arm, to tuck her rebel strand of hair behind her ear. He restrained himself and just leaned his chin on her head and chuckled. “What? Making fun that I am shorter than you?” “No.” He chuckled again “Just loving that you are the perfect size to fit under my chin. Sooo comfy.” Aelin turned and slapped him gently on his shoulder “Stop mocking my less developed height. Not everyone can be a giant.” “Yes, Fireheart.” And he placed a kiss on the top of her head. “What did you call me?” “Fireheart, you know, like the Queen from Cursed Kingdom.” Aelin looked at him with an expression that he could not decipher. “You remind me a lot of her.” “Because I am hot like her?” Rowan did not reply “You have fire in you. Like her. You are both these amazing women, strong-willed and intelligent…” She was staring at him and he finally removed that lock of hair from her face and his hand lingered a bit longer on her cheek. How could he have fallen so badly for her in such a short time? His head bowed slightly, while his stare was fixed on her lips, imagining how she would taste. She looked up at him, they were so close he could feel her breath. He was about to close the last remnant of space, when someone came into the shop. The two of them jumped apart and Rowan cursed the bad timing. He wanted to kick out the customer and claim the kiss he was robbed of. He stared at her while helping the customer and could not believe that she was leaning into the kiss. She wanted it too. Did it mean she had made her choice? What about Elias? She was still seeing him and could not ignore the sting of thinking of her in the other man’s arms. He was jealous. That was crystal clear. While she was busy he went back to the computer and had a look at her project and he was impressed. She had posted some photos and wrote a lovely blurb about the shop. “What do you think?” She asked, sneaking under his arm so it then was around her shoulder. “I love it.” He said softly. I love you.

A few hours had passed and around lunchtime Aelin had begged Rowan to close and go to Maeve’s to claim her victory meal. Rowan yielded. It had started to slow down a bit so they could afford to close for lunch. “Come on greedy guts. Let’s go and feed you, before you take it out on me.” In response, she gave him a massive toothy grin and grabbed his hand.

By the time they arrived a Maeve’s they were much closer and Rowan had an arm around her shoulder and Aelin was snuggling against him. Her excuse was that she loved his smell and she was trying to cover her clothes in it. “Well, if that’s not a surprise. So I guess you two have finally finished to kill each other.” Said the woman walking them to a table in a corner. “Yeah, I decided that I can keep him alive a bit longer.” “Gee, thanks Fireheart, I am so honoured by your goodwill. I am thy humble servant.” Aelin smiled “Now, stop talking, Buzzard. It’s food time.” She grabbed the menu and began reading. “Buzzard?” Aelin lowered her menu and glared at him “Yeah, when you are mad you have this predatory expression. You look like a bird of prey.” He took the menu from her and hid it behind his back. “Give me my menu.” “The magic word…” “Buzzard…” she stared in his green eyes. “Fireheart…” he returned the menu to her. “I am starving.” And at that Rowan scoffed and Aelin pinched his arm. “What?’ He squealed at the gesture “You are always hungry.” “Now shush.” She told him placing a finger on his mouth. Rowan gave her a few minutes. She was hunched over the menu and her blonde hair had spilled freely in front of her. With his hands he pulled her hair away from her face “How can you read with this wild mane of hair covering your eyes?” Then he pulled all her hair on one side and started braiding it in a nice neat braid and aelin was impressed at his skills. “Hairband?” Aelin removed the hairband from her wrist and Rowan tied her braid. He had lost control. He was aware of that. But he could not stop touching her. He needed the contact with her. After a while Aelin finally made up her mind and placed her order and Rowan did the same, albeit a more normal quantity of food. Once Maeve brought the plates Aelin was ready to dig in as her stomach had started to growl in protest. They were chatting and eating happily when Rowan froze when the door of the cafe opened and noticed who had entered. Aelin recognised the woman as well and under the table Aelin grabbed his hand showing him support. She had noticed his reaction and she wanted him to know she was there for him. Aelin noticed that it was another one of Maeve’s colleagues who served the brunette and not Maeve herself. She had a suspicion that was his aunt’s way to express her displeasure at the woman without being overtly rude. “Rowan.” Said the woman walking toward them and sitting down at the empty chair at their table. Aelin wanted to bite her head off and kick her away for thinking she had the right to sit down with them. In challenge she brought the hand that was on Rowan’s on the table, right in front of the woman’s eyes. It was petty but she did not care. “Lyria…” he finally managed to say something. Lyria looked at Rowan for a second but then her gaze shifted to Aelin and in particular on the had she was holding. His hand. “So, who is your friend, Rowan? Aren’t you going to introduce me to her?” She leaned back on the chair almost in challenge. “I am his girlfriend.” And Aelin put an arm around Rowan’s shoulder and kissed his cheek to prove her point. Rowan in the meantime was stone-faced and silent and she knew she had to fight the woman alone. Well, bring it on. She squeezed his hand almost in apology and her heart ached at his expression. One moment they were having fun, a moment later he looked like a broken man. “What do you want?” He finally managed a sentence but his tone dripped hate. “So you did manage to forget me in the end.” She whispered, but luckily for them the place was quiet “Although I think your tastes have declined a bit.” Aelin was about to punch her. Who was this woman? How could she judge someone she had never met? “I thought you liked women with… more meat.” Lyria grabbed a couple of fries from Aelin’s plate in plain challenge and gave her a smirk that brought rage through her. “I am glad I finally found a real man.” She continued, not caring about the pain she was inflicting on Rowan “One who does not spend his time reading fairytales.” Eventually Lyria stood and went to collect her order, say goodbye to Rowan and leaned toward Aelin “Bye stick.” Aelin jumped up, ready to inflict a beating, but Rowan grabbed her hand. “Leave her.” His tone was strained and that’s all she needed to sit back down and swallow her pride. “She just called me a stick.” Aelin growled “I have curves and boobs.” She sighed and crossed her arms at her chest “What a bitch.” She grabbed one of her fries and dipped it in ketchup “And how dares she touch my food?” Rowan chuckled and finally looked at her. And what she saw in his eyes hurt her. He stood “I just… I need to get out.” He was about to leave but Aelin stopped him ‘I am coming with you.” Rowan shook his head “I need a bit of time alone. Please.” His green eyes were sad again and she just wanted to go to An Lanntair and slap the woman. How dared she treat him like that?” “Okay.” She touched his face and leaned in the touch and Aelin thought it was progress. At least he was not pushing her away. “I’ll call you later.” He kissed her cheek “I am sorry…” “Go. I’ll be fine.” Rowan nodded and left.

Aelin finished her lunch, paid Maeve and left the cafe with renewed purpose. She marched to An Lanntair. She entered the venue and walked to Lyria trying to fight the urge to punch the woman. “Out.” She ordered. Lyria looked at her confused. “Follow me. Outside. Now.” Her voice was a command. Once the two women were outside Aelin finally let go of her anger. “How dare you?” Her voice was full of rage “How dare you treat him like that? Do you have a heart? That man loved you. You were engaged to him. How can you be so mean?” “You are definitely not his type.” Lyria said with a bored expression. Aelin growled “What I am does not matter. What matter is how you treated him and I cannot stand that.” Lyria laughed “Gods, you are in love with him. You just fell for the most boring man alive.” Aelin’s hand clenched “he is not boring. He is a very interesting person, and he is funny.” Lyria’s mocking laughter reverberated in the street “Funny? Rowan funny?” “Maybe he was not funny because of you. Maybe you are the boring one.” Aelin spread her arms and challenged her “Maybe you are the one who is not his type. He likes them with a brain, by the way.” And this time she noticed a reaction in Lyria. “Well, if you love him so much he is all yours. I haven’t had any need of him in a long time.” Aelin was second away from inflicting some form of physical pain on the woman, but then she noticed Lyria’s expression change and a veil of softness appeared in the lines of her face “He was a good man before his injury, and I believe he still is. But after his injury he had to stop competing and something broke in him.” She looked at Aelin “I still loved him deeply at the time. The shop became his new dream. I followed and supported him for a while. He proposed and I said yes, the realised that I was in love with an old version of Rowan and I just left him.” Lyria sat on the bench in front of the community centre “He is a good man. He is sweet and caring. He is perfect for someone.” She finally confessed and Aelin could note a spark of the love she once had for him “But not for me. He became this man obsessed with family and after he proposed he started talking about the future. Our future. He wants the whole romantic deal. I didn’t and I still don’t care for all of it. He deserves to be with someone who can give him that.” Her brown eyes now bore into Aelin’s “And if you can’t give him that, don’t even start this relationship. I hurt him enough. He does not need more pain.” And with that she left and Aelin was stunned at the woman’s words. She felt like crying. She had to talk to Rowan but she had no idea where he went. A text could get her that answer but she doubted he would answer. He clearly needed time alone. So her steps took her down to the marina, she watched the morning ferry dock and people disembark, then with new resolution walked back to the bookshop and opened again without him. The afternoon felt wrong. Not having Rowan in the shop left her with a sense of emptiness. Later in the evening, Aelin was about to switch off the pc and close for the day when she noticed his screensaver. Recognition dawned on her. It was a picture of Butt of Lewis and, if her mind was not playing tricks, she had heard him once mention the fact that he loved that place. She had her answer. Quickly she closed up the shop, locked the door behind her and swiftly ran home. A gut feeling told her that Rowan was at the lighthouse.

It was half an hour later when she arrived at her destination, and when she spotted his car she knew she had been correct. But now doubt settled in her. He had clearly come to this place to stay alone and think and she did not want to intrude. But she could not remove from her mind the hurt expression she saw on him at the cafe. She had to do something. Try at least. And if he’d end shouting at her… well. She’d take that. She got off the car and slowly walked to him. His back to her he was sitting at the edge of the cliff and he was staring at the sea crashing against the cliffs. She was behind him when she heard his voice “I am okay.” He said gruffly. Aelin’s chest tightened. That was not the voice of a person who was okay. Quietly she sat beside him in silence. And for a while they sat side by side staring at the sea. He would talk when he was ready. She was not going to push him. “So, I opened the shop all by myself for the afternoon.” His head whipped to her side and she could spot a weak hint of a smile. “And we had a successful day. I placed a few orders for you and I think I got Miss McKinnon obsessed on a couple of series.” Rowan did not say anything, he just grabbed her hand and pulled her to him “Come here.” A moment later, Aelin was sitting between his legs, his arms wrapped around her and his chin on her shoulder. “I am sorry.” He whispered “It’s just…” Her hands were on his on her abdomen “Shh… no, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself.” His arms were tighter around her and she leaned into his chest. “I had a chat with the bitch.” She felt him stiffen at her admission “I gave her a piece of my mind.” “I have no doubt about it.” “Ro, what happened to you? She said you changed after the injury.” Rowan sighed behind her. For a moment she thought he was not going to answer. That was a far too personal question but she needed to know more in order to understand this wonderful complicated man. “I was good. I loved swimming.” He told her “There had been talks as well for me to compete in the qualifiers for the Olympics. I was living the dream. I was still in Glasgow and had to balance uni and a professional sport but everything was perfect.” The pain in his voice was now clear and deep “Then I got back here and I did manage to continue to train. Lyria became my girlfriend and she loved the spotlight.” He sighed again “What I told you the other day was not the complete story.” She squeezed his hand, she hadn’t told him her whole story either “I kept competing for a while and I did manage to get into the qualifiers for the Olympics. Then one day my life just crashed and all went to hell. During training in the gym I was doing weights. An idiot bumped into me. I dropped the weights suddenly and ripped muscles and tendons. I needed surgery and in a matter of days my dream of the Olympics was gone. Recovery took a very long time.” Aelin gasped “that bad?” Rowan nodded “Butterfly stroke was my specialty. It’s a complicated one and after surgery it became impossible to do it again.” “I tried it once. I looked like a demented whale. It was embarrassing.” And finally she heard Rowan chuckle. “I took it badly and for a while I was… cathartic. But Lyria still was beside me. Then the idea for the bookshop came. I had always loved books and I thought that was the way for me to follow a new dream. And you know the rest.” Aelin twined her fingers in his “It’s a nice dream.” “It is.” “I think Lyria always resented me for my injury. I was famous in town and she loved being stopped and having other girl jealous at her for being with me.” “So I assume her current boyfriend is a Hollywood star.” Rowan squeezed the hand back. “I doubt it, but definitely someone with money and a big job. She… likes to be spoiled, and me being a professional swimmer paid a bit more than being a lousy bookshop owner.” “You are not lousy.” Her head turned and searched for his eyes, to tell him how much she believed him. “She sounds very shallow.” Rowan sighed again and Aelin felt a pang of guilt for making him talk about a part of his past life that clearly still did hurt “She wasn’t always like that. She changed a while ago. Her company of friends had changed and they became a sort of bad influence.” The wind had started to pick up a bit but Aelin had no intention of going back home and she decided it was time to tell Rowan her complete story. Her full reasons for moving in the middle of nowhere. He had opened up to her, she owed him at least that. “My story is not complete either. I told you about my failed marriage, but there is another reason while I escaped.” Rowan kissed the top of her head “You don’t have to.” “Yes, I do. You told me yours and I need to tell you mine. I want us to be honest to each other.” He gave her a squeeze in response. “I told you I was a doctor. I was working in St. Mary’s Hospital which is one of the major trauma centres in London. I slaved to be able to work there. They had a limited numbers for interns and I did manage to get in. Once I was officially a doctor I started to slave to make my way up the ranks I kept working like a madwoman and did all I could to become one of the best. Then a few months ago our head of department announced he was going to retire. And I knew I was going to fight to get that job. I wanted to be the head of the cardio thoracic department. It was my dream, my goal. At the interview I thought I had the job. Two days later I get a phone call telling me that unfortunately the position had been given to another candidate.” Aelin breathed out to calm the rage. “I would have accepted it if they had chosen a candidate better than me. But they didn’t” “Let me guess. Daddy’s little boy or girl got it.” Aelin nodded “The son got it. This idiot who barely made it through med school got it because his dad pushed for it.” Aelin stood and began pacing feeling the need of release all the anger that surged in her every time she talked about that “I was in the middle on the divorce with Chaol. This was the last nail in the coffin. I kept going back to work but I hated it. So much.” With a swift movement Rowan stood and stopped her, placing his hands on her shoulders making sure she was facing him. “Then one day I saw a picture of a Scottish island and I decided that I was out of there. I took a sabbatical. Two week later I was on a plane to Glasgow. A week later I was here.” And the tears came back in full force. Rowan’s arms went around her and she sagged against him and wept until she was spent. “I am glad you came.” That was as much as Rowan could manage to tell her that he was madly in love with her. Baby steps, he kept telling himself. They clearly were far too hung-up on whatever happened before and they both needed time to heal, but he felt like they were finally getting there. Having Aelin in his arms was wonderful enough. He was happy to take anything that she was willing to give him just now. Even if it was just embraces, caressed or holding hands. He would wait for her. “Ro, when I said girlfriend before…” “I know, it’s fine.” And he squeezed her tighter then kissed her head. “I have an idea that will cheer you up hopefully.” She looked up at him and gave him a big smile “I am all ears.” “Tomorrow is Sunday and you know everything is closed on the islands and so is my shop. So, how about an adventure?” Her arms were around his neck in an instant “Yes!” “Let’s go back in the car, it’s getting cold and I’ll tell you my plan.” Aelin ran and Rowan laughed. And a few minutes later they were on their way back. “So, we are leaving the islands tomorrow. We are taking the ferry back to Ullapool. There are a couple of amazing spot that I want to show you. We need to take the ferry at 8am which means check in will be from 6am. Will you manage?” “Are you kidding me? I’ll be up and ready whenever you need me to.” Rowan’s hand went on hers and smiled her back “Good.” Once back in town Rowan drove Aelin home, feeling overprotective and all. She got off the car and he followed her in front of the house. “I’ll come and pick you up at six, is it okay?” “Perfect.” “Wear something comfortable but also layers and a windproof jacket. The forecast for tomorrow is really good, but it’s Scotland.” Aelin nodded. He brushed his hand gently against hers “I’ll se you tomorrow.” Aelin kissed his cheek “Tomorrow then.”

Once she was in the house she squealed in delight and texted Lysandra with an update. She was giddy. And finally happy.

[sheetghostwriter]

I feel a bit like I should apologize for the post I made yesterday! I want to make it very clear that I am not angry at anyone or attempting to incite any kind of action with my “vent post.”

TL;DR: Tone on the internet is hard, I wish we could discuss stuff without it being “discourse”

I made a post with an admittedly frustrated tone in response to a few comments from a single user in site-general on the cherpcord yesterday. I’m not even upset with that user, which is why I changed some details of what they posted and didn’t want to call out their comments specifically. They, like a lot of folks, were simply expressing their frustration that the site is down in a lighthearted, jokey way!

The reason it got under my skin, and why I chose to write about it, is because 1. it is indicative of a larger ideology that’s been present in just about every RP space I’ve been of a perceived divide between “smut” RPers and “quality/wholesome/’plot’” RPers, and it frustrates me to see that attitude (even if it’s simply a ‘vocal minority’) in a space that is tailored for adult content, and 2. I am genuinely surprised that folks who exclusively RP very tame and SFW topics would use cherp as their primary RP hub. They are totally free to do so, I just think it’s a confusing choice. That’s all!

And to be clear on something else, my opinions on the “vibe” of the cherpcord aren’t from yesterday’s activity, but from being a relatively active member on the server for a little over a year. It’s always seemed to me that the userbase trends a bit young, but there were (and are!) still enough folks that I like in there that I’ll pop in a couple times a day to see what’s going on. But during the dmca shutdown a lot more people who I guess were previously lurkers started being active in the server, and I became increasingly uncomfortable with how obvious that uh... these were not my peers, to say the least. Also around the time I stopped being active there were users like, aggressively soliciting for RP in the server, which is one of the main reasons I avoid RP servers (or at least, off-topic/ooc areas in RP servers) because people get so weird and whiny about that it just kills the vibe for me. That’s against the rules in cherp’s servers and I’m sure the mods deftly shut it down when they are present, but they cant’ be there all the time.

Also, those opinions weren’t intended with any sort of hostility! I think the ‘obnoxious diner teen’ phase is something that a lot of folks, especially those of us with marginalized sexualities and gender identities, experience in some form or another. That’s literally what being a theatre kid is, isn’t it? Maybe they’ll chill out, maybe they’ll grow up to be really into burlesque, either way it’s only cringe to me because I’m older, and I only care because I genuinely do think that trying to be mindful of how content and preferences are discussed and whether or not we’re moralizing things with our word choices can really do a lot to make creative and fandom spaces more welcoming.

Finally, my choice of the phrase “within reason” in that post was meant to be a bit tongue-in-cheek, and also I thought the repetition was funny.

I like cherp, my main gripe with it is I think the no-offsite rule is bad and I probably won’t change my mind about that. Otherwise... idk, I’d like to be able to discuss it and even snark about it with other users since I use the site a lot and have a lot of thoughts about it, good and bad! it just feels like everything is received (and responded to) as though there’s the maximum amount of hostility behind it, which is... pretty much never the case with me. i mean i type a lot bc i don’t know how to be succinct but i’m never mad about it lol. sad, sometimes, but that’s about it.

[dissoluteways]

positions - Chapter II

❧

Chapter I / Chapter II

PAIRING: Hyuk/OC RATING: PG WARNINGS: Office AU. WORDCOUNT: 7350

Notes: Wanted to post this yesterday but my internet stopped working again -_- but here is chapter two! i’m so happy with this whole fic tbh, the longest slow burn i ever wrote. This chapter is still PG, but get ready for more guys c:

When it was monday, she almost forgot it was PR day, until it was actually time to go and check the new products. As soon as she got up from her seat in the office, Sanghyuk noticed and got up as well, walking right behind her when she exited the room. 

She breathed in deeply, like she always did, before walking into the PR room. 

Surprisingly, the delivery guy didn’t actually say anything, other than hello. She blinked when he started unloading the boxes on the usual table, without saying a word. Not even looking at her. She looked at Sanghyuk for whatever reason, like she was looking for an expression similar to hers, but he looked just like usual, normal. She blinked again, looking around to see if it was actually Monday or if she was still dreaming or something. 

Hakyeon was just walking by outside the room, and decided to walk in at that moment. 

“Can you write the usual down, Sanghyuk?”

“Yep.” He nodded, taking his phone out.

She approached Hakyeon, walking hurriedly to him and getting really close to whisper in his ear.

“Am I dreaming, or are we really here at work?” 

“What?” Hakyeon eyed her, confused. “What are you talking about?”

“That guy. He didn’t say anything inappropriate to me today.” 

Hakyeon looked over her shoulder at the same time she did. Said guy was actually unloading the PR boxes in a hurry. 

Everything was bizarre. He was annoying her just the past monday. What happened that made him give up in just a week?

“Interesting.” Commented Hakyeon, still staring at him.

“What?”

“Nothing.” 

She knew he was seeing something she wasn’t. She turned to look, the delivery guy was leaving, after unloading all the boxes, in what surely was a record time. Sanghyuk was checking all the boxes, and noticed she was looking. He beamed at her and she almost tripped on her own two feet.

Hakyeon looked at her with a knowing look. She hit him on the shoulder.

She kept on wondering what was going on until later that day, when all she had in mind was hunger and actually getting home. Mondays were always a mess; she wanted to leave as soon as possible. 

Sanghyuk usually left five minutes before she did, only because she took five minutes extra to prepare herself and check to see if she wasn’t forgetting anything, before walking out. 

But as soon as she stepped out of her office, Sanghyuk was standing there, with his phone in his hand as he scrolled through whatever app he had opened. 

“Hey, what are you doing here?” She asked, eyeing him curiously.

“Waiting.” He looked at her, mimicking her expression.

“For what?”

“You.” 

His voice made his answer sound like it was obvious. She looked at him confused.

“You said you walk home alone every night.”

It took a while until his words actually settled in her head.

“Sanghyuk, you don’t have to-”

“Noona, I will argue with you if I have to, but I am walking you home.” 

His face was completely calm, with a small smile on his lips, it was incredibly unnerving; she felt a chill going down her spine, and she hoped she wasn’t blushing. Once again. 

“I didn’t tell you I walk home alone just to make you walk with me.” She told him, as she started walking down the hall towards the elevators.

“I know.”

They walked into the elevator just in time, and she turned just in time to see the grin on his face. He looked at her in that moment, and they exchanged smiles.

To her surprise, Sanghyuk kept accompanying her to her place during the rest of the week after that. On Tuesday she told him once again, he didn’t actually have to do that. He didn’t pay attention, and continued to wait for her each day.

She enjoyed it so much, the little attention he was giving her. The small crush she used to have on him, was obviously and inevitably turning into more because he didn’t deserve less than that. He was nice and polite and very considerate; she hoped to god he didn’t have any invalidating flaws. Maybe he just liked pineapple on pizza or something like that.

Hakyeon walked into her office on Thursday, looking a little concerned. And he closed the door after he came in. Which he never did before.

“What’s the matter?” She looked at him, worried. She closed her laptop once she had a glimpse of the look on his face.

“Sanghyuk scolded me for letting you walk home alone the other night.” 

“What?”

“A woman shouldn’t be walking home alone, that’s what he said.” Hakyeon sounded exasperated, but somehow happy.

“I don’t understand shit.”

“We ran into each other at lunch yesterday,” Hakyeon sat down across her, his voice low. “Told me he ran into you on friday and that he couldn’t believe I let you go home alone.”

She blinked.

“That’s not scolding.”

“You didn’t see the look on his face.”

“Well I can’t say he’s wrong.” Her face flushed a little, and she looked down at her phone, feigning distraction. 

“You didn’t tell me he walked you home.”

“Hakyeon, you’re not my mom!” Her face was red and she tried not to laugh at how funny and ridiculous the situation was.

They stared at each other for a while, almost defiantly. 

“We’ll see.”

He stood up abruptly and walked out as loudly as he could; Sanghyuk looked at him funny and confused as he passed by in front of him.  

“What?” She yelled back at him. What he said didn’t actually make any sense. 

She would have most definitely told him about Sanghyuk had he not told her a few days ago he wanted both of them to hook up and that he was going to make a plan. She loved him but he was going to ruin everything. 

“Is everything okay?” Sanghyuk popped up suddenly, interrupting her thoughts. He looked confused; she was probably making faces.

“Yeah, it’s just…” She sighed loudly, trying to find the right word.

“Hakyeon-hyung can be a little intense.” Sanghyuk smiled, sympathetically.

“I can’t imagine having him as a teacher.” She commented, knowing well that Sanghyuk had him as a dancing mentor.

“He’s just as intense as you know him, but sometimes he has that smile where you know he can kill you because you’re doing something wrong.” He replied with a grin on his face.

“Oh yeah, I’ve only seen that smile twice in my life.” She leaned back on her chair to fully look at him. “Regretted it ever since.”

He chuckled, looking at her in the eye. She returned his gaze, smiling back.

Sanghyuk was really cute; she noticed that all the time, he still had a very much baby face. The rest of his body though, was definitely manly, with broad shoulders and muscular thighs. 

She still only wanted to boop his nose.

She looked down after a few seconds, a little embarrassed. Sanghyuk only smiled wider.

It was rutinary by then that she and Sanghyuk just simply walked out of the office together at the end of the day, he didn’t wait for her outside anymore. Some of the girls down the edition department started asking her on friday if they were dating, and if not, if they could have his number. She obviously denied it, but refused to give them his number under the pretext she was more professional than that and they should ask him themselves. Somehow it worked.

That, though, put into perspective that Sanghyuk was far more attractive than she realized. She obviously thought he was handsome, but everyone else considered him handsome AND hot. 

“With all that muscle and height, he’s obviously a catch.” Hakyeon commented when they had lunch that friday. “Some guys at the studio are also, very much gay for him too.”

She frowned. Sanghyuk was so nice to her. But maybe he was also nice to everyone else the same way. 

“Sanghyuk,” She said, casually, on that friday evening, when they were walking to her place. “Are you dating anyone?”

He looked at her, taken aback. She was about to tell him, he didn't have to answer if he was uncomfortable, but she didn't get the chance before he replied. 

“No. I don’t really have the time for that.” He said, his voice apathetic. 

Well. That was something she didn’t particularly think about.

“But I kind of like someone.”

“Oh?” She said without thinking.

“I mean, I do like her.” He was blushing a little bit. It was cute but at the same time it hurt her a bit. “But I don’t think she looks at me the way I look at her.”

“What do you mean?” She didn’t really mean to pry, but it was more powerful than her.

“She’s more focused… on her work?” It was like he wasn’t sure of what to say exactly. She didn’t get that.

But she certainly got that he liked someone else.

“What about you, noona? Dating someone?”

“Oh, no.” She replied right away, thinking about the last time she actually dated. A million years ago.

“I guess someone else would be walking you home if that was the case.” He smiled at her.

“Maybe, I still like walking with you though.” She returned his smile, softly elbowing him on the side, affectionately.

His smile turned into a grin as they reached her building’s block.

“Sanghyuk, where do you live?” She asked when he was about to turn and leave, after reaching the stairs from her building.

“Why?” 

“I just want to know.”

He didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds. What could possibly be making him doubt his answer? Maybe she made him uncomfortable. 

“I live about ten blocks from here.”

“Where?” She was surprised that he lived so far away. “I mean, is it around-”

“It’s the opposite direction from here.” He pointed to the usual way he took after walking her to her apartment. Which was the exact direction they were coming from.

She stood there, perplexed, staring at Sanghyuk like he was crazy.

“Sanghyuk-”

“Don’t worry about it, noona.” He smiled at her sweetly. “I walk you home because I want to.”

She tried to argue with him more, to make him stop doing it if it meant he was even further away from home, but he was quick in turning around and saying goodbye so she didn’t get a chance. 

It was impossible he was that nice. Why would he do that? He said he liked someone. Yet he was starting to give her hope with his actions and she couldn’t ignore it. Everything was confusing and she didn’t want to overthink.

She met up with Hakyeon and Taekwoon that weekend, on a saturday night, at their apartment. And she told them about it. She needed to, it was annoying not to confide in anyone, even when Hakyeon was a bit annoying.

“At least we know it’s a she.” Hakyeon said.

She frowned, confused.

“It’s a woman.”

Oh. 

“What are you gonna do about it?” He asked.

“Nothing.”

“What?”

“What can I do?” She asked. If he liked someone else, was there any option? She didn’t mind things being like this. “At least I can have a friendly professional relationship with him now.”

Both Hakyeon and Taekwoon stared at her for a solid minute. 

“What?”

“I didn’t think she was this dense.” Taekwoon commented, more to Hakyeon than to her.

“Don’t talk like I’m not here.” She sighed, exasperated. “What do you suggest?”

“He keeps walking you home?” Hakyeon asked, and she nodded. “Let him do that for some time. I’m sure that’s gonna do some magic.”

She wasn’t going to argue with that. 

Sanghyuk’s company was really comforting. She really appreciated that. Sometimes she had a hard time meeting and getting along with new people, but he was so easy-going, there wasn’t any trouble. 

She let her face fall into her hands. Damn, she was really into him.

She eyed Sanghyuk from her seat, with her face behind her laptop’ screen, from her office, on Monday morning. He was really focused on his own computer’ screen. And she felt like a teenager, looking at her crush from a distance. His face really changed when he was working, he was completely serious. It was really hot.

It was a habit by that point to stare at him from her office, she had been doing that almost every day. So she was a bit surprised when he suddenly looked back at her. She jolted, taken aback, not knowing if she should just pretend to look away; but he decided for her when he smiled brightly.

The fact that it was incredibly unprofessional to have a relationship with someone you worked with, plus Sanghyuk’s confession that he actually liked someone else; made everything really difficult. She liked him more than she should, she was aware she was falling in love. The circumstances weren’t ideal though, and it didn’t help he seemed to be really fucking nice to her.

Sanghyuk walked into her office later that day, just at the same time she was about to walk out, it was inevitable they bumped into each other.

“Sorry, noona!” Sanghyuk exclaimed, kneeling down so as to pick the files and paper she dropped. “I mean, boss…”

“It’s fine, Sanghyuk.” She said, crouching down as well to help him. 

He didn’t see her when she did though, and when he got up in a rapid move, he clashed with her head this time, with his own head. 

With her heels it was hard to keep balance, especially when she was kneeling down, so she couldn’t help falling to the side when Sanghyuk bumped his head with hers. At least she was wearing pants that day.

“Noona!” He cried, louder and with a higher voice this time. “Shit, I’m sorry. Sorry...”

She couldn’t really react as fast as he did, only to move her hand to rub her forehead, where she bumped her head, but he quickly grabbed that hand, and offered his other one to help her stand.

“I’m sorry for saying shit, as well…”

“It’s fine, Sanghyuk,” She repeated, trying not to laugh at the whole situation.

She grabbed the other hand he offered her, and stood up slowly, trying to keep her balance as she settled up with her shoes. Once she was up and well, she focused on their hands, connected, staring intensely.

“Wow, your hands are really big.”

“What?” Sanghyuk asked, confused.

She didn’t say anything, only focusing on his hands. She knew they were big, but now she could contrast them with her own. And they were huge. And also incredibly soft.

“Are you alright, noona?” Sanghyuk asked after a while. 

She was still looking at his hands, and he probably asked because it was all she was doing. But Sanghyuk’s hands were really nice.

She looked up though, and his face was really close to hers, looking concerned. He was so close, actually, that she could see every little eyelash. And every little freckle he had on his face (just a couple, his skin was otherwise, immaculate), and his eyebrows, and his soft lips, and his cute nose.

“Noona.” His voice kind of distracted her from observing the rest of his face, but she looked at him in the eye instead. 

His eyes were soft, focusing only on her, and she was positive her entire face was red just by the way he was looking at her. 

Neither of them said one word though, she didn’t actually dare to speak, but she noticed Sanghyuk had swallowed loudly, for whatever reason. And he was also starting to flush, the tips of his ears getting red faster than any other part. 

There was a knock on the main door, the one connecting Sanghyuk’s desk to the corridor. She pulled away abruptly, startled and a little scared. But he still looked at her, with a more relaxed expression this time, before he stepped away a little to see who was knocking. 

She stayed there, frozen, confused. 

The way he was looking at her. Could it be… ?

A familiar face popped up from behind her door. Jieun, from the photography department, had been a good colleague since she arrived at the company, and she greeted her with a smile.

“Unnie!” 

“Hey, Jieun,” She returned her smile, signaling for her to come in.

She realized the papers and files she dropped a few minutes ago were still on the floor. Jieun looked at her, curiously.

“I… I just dropped this, sorry.” She excused, which wasn’t a lie, but it somehow felt like it was. She picked everything up in a second. “What’s up?”

“Can I talk to you for a sec?” She whispered, eyeing the door. 

She looked worried, and without a second thought, she closed the door. 

“What’s wrong?”

“You know the delivery guy who brings in the PR stuff?” 

“Yeah…” She felt like she knew where this was going.

Jieun looked doubtful, unsure if she should even say anything. 

“Is he bothering you?”

“Yes… I know he has bothered you too in the past.”

She nodded. 

“Did you report him to HR, unnie?”

“No… No, I probably should have.” She felt embarrassed he went on to bother other girls, if he hadn’t already been doing that at the same time he was harassing her. “Do you need help with that? I’ll fully support you.”

“I just want him to stop bothering me.” Her expression changed a bit, like she felt a little stronger this time. “If that’s what it takes then I’ll do it.”

“Do you know if he was bothering other women?”

“I only noticed he was doing that to you…”

She thought for a second. If there were other girls, it would be easier to report him, since HR considered those cases more solid. Unfairly so, but it was what it was. 

Then again, one report was all it took sometimes.

“I think we both should report him.”

Jieun looked at her with wide eyes, then nodded vehemently. 

“I’ll go do it now.”

“Sounds good,” She smiled at her, warmly. “I can’t go with you. This is a personal case, HR won’t allow me.”

“I know, it’s fine, unnie.” Jieun returned her smile.

“I’ll do it later today.”

Jieun bowed ceremoniously, like she was really thankful.

“Don’t do that, it’s fine,” She tapped her shoulder gently. “Go do it, I’ll call you later.”

Jieun grinned brightly before opening the door and walking out, decisively. 

Sanghyuk eyed her curiously from behind his desk.

“Can I ask what happened?”

“The douchebag delivery guy is being reported.” She said out loud, slightly angry but also really happy. “Finally.”

Sanghyuk’s eyes were wide open as he stood up and approached her.

“I’m reporting him too, later today.” She said as he put a hand on her shoulder. “Can you come with me?”

“Of course.” 

He paid no mind how her voice probably broke a little when she asked him that, answering immediately. She was really thankful. 

She used to think she was stronger than some guy annoying her every week; yet at the same time she knew it was stupid to feel like that, when a man wants to be a misogynistic piece of shit, there was no stopping him. 

When there was half an hour left before six, the usual time everyone went home, she went to HR, with Sanghyuk walking behind her, like usual. She couldn’t walk into HR’s office with someone else to make a report like that, so Sanghyuk rubbed her back affectionately before she went in. 

Strangely, Sanghyuk asked to walk right after her, and she eyed him curiously when he walked past her as she was walking out. 

Once he was out, she was about to open her mouth to question him about what happened, but decided against it. Maybe it was none of her business.

“Don’t worry about it.” Sanghyuk said without any question asked, interrupting her thoughts before she could dwell on them.

She bit her lip for a while, but decided to trust his words.

The next day, she told Hakyeon about it when they were having lunch in his office. He didn’t seem surprised that guy has been bothering other women at all, which she understood. But he also didn’t seem surprised when she told him Sanghyuk also went to HR with her, but declared something, alone. Something she didn’t know what it was.

“I guess I can tell you since you’re telling me he already went to HR.” Hakyeon said, putting aside the food on his desk.

She looked at him, lost and confused.

“Sanghyuk told that guy to stay away from you.” He told her, completely serious. 

“What?”

“He said he would report him to HR if he kept bothering you.”

“Are you serious?” 

For some reason, that pissed her off a little. She wanted to know the full story though.

“I don’t exactly know what he told him. Just that he would report him if he didn’t leave you alone…”

She stood up, not giving it a second thought, and walked out of Hakyeon’s office, leaving some of her stuff and food behind. She heard him call her name, but she didn’t care. She wanted Sanghyuk to tell her directly what happened. 

When she walked into her office, Sanghyuk was there, sweaty and with his hair slightly dishevelled. He had been working out like he usually did, but this time, that didn’t distract her.

“Sanghyuk,” She called his name, and he turned to look at her, surprised. She didn’t give him the chance to say anything. “Is it true you talked to that delivery asshole and told him to leave me alone?”

He seemed taken aback by the whole situation, confusion filling his face. It quickly changed though, and he looked completely serious suddenly.

“I did.”

“Why?” 

She was annoyed. She had every right to be. Going behind her back to do that didn’t sound right. He was acting like she was more than just her boss, especially when back then, they didn’t have anything more going on. They still didn’t have anything then. 

“He was bothering you.”

“Sanghyuk-”

“I told him that’s not the way to treat women,” He kept talking, his voice firm and serious. “And I was going to report him to HR if he kept harassing you. He was clearly making you uncomfortable.”

She bit her lip, and walked a little closer to him.

“Why didn’t you ask if I was okay with that?”

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

There was a moment of silence, in which they both just stared at each other. She was annoyed, yes, he had no right to threaten someone like that. 

She did start feeling another emotion bubbling inside, and it was gratitude. And affection. 

“I’m sorry I did it behind your back, noona.” Sanghyuk said, looking down. “But I’m not sorry I did it.”

She stood there, staring at him, with her eyebrows furrowed. She was conflicted because that particular attitude did not sit well with her. But she was grateful. 

“You weren’t going to beat him up, were you?”

“Who do you think I am?” Sanghyuk chuckled a little, amused at the idea.

She sighed as she looked down.

“I’m sorry, noona. I didn’t know it was going to upset you.” 

Sanghyuk had taken a few steps closer. He looked sincere, serious, and she felt like she could melt once again. It’s like his charm didn’t have an off button. Still conflicted about what happened before, but feeling very much smitten with him, she could only eye him as he walked closer.

“At least don’t do it without telling me.”

He nodded, still approaching her, only slower than before. She eyed him curiously, going back to biting her lip, as she took one small step back. He was exceptionally tall, the closer he got, the more she had to stretch her neck to look at him in the eye. She felt somewhat smaller than usual. 

Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion, at least from her point of view. Sanghyuk lifted his hand and slowly brought it close to her face, softly settling his fingers on her cheek.

Her face was completely stunned, eyes wide open, she was very aware she probably looked very stupid, at the same time heat invaded her. His thumb moved towards her bottom lip, which she was still biting, and he gently caressed it, making her release it from her teeth.

Sanghyuk was looking at her in the eye the entire time, and only broke eye contact the second he tugged at her lip with his thumb, his gaze settling where his finger was touching her. 

Her body jolted when the phone on Sanghyuk’s desk rang loudly, bringing her back to planet Earth. He was startled as well, moving his hand away from her face, but otherwise staying still where he was standing. They kept staring at each other, however, until the phone rang a couple of more times.

Sanghyuk moved first, walking to his desk and picking up the phone.

“Hello.” His voice spilled annoyance, and it surprised her a little. He also forgot to clarify it was her office they were calling to, something he did every time he picked the phone up. 

He turned to look at her after a few seconds and held out the phone for her.

“It’s for you.”

“Oh.”

She quickly walked towards him and grabbed the phone, side-eyeing Sanghyuk as he walked past her.

“Don’t do anything stupid.” Hakyeon’s voice filled her head when she put the phone to her ear, sighing loudly. Since when has she been holding in her breath?

“I wasn’t going to.”

“You didn’t let me finish the whole story.” 

She frowned, confused, until she felt Sanghyuk’s hand on her hair, pushing it back and away from her face. She quickly turned to look at him, flushing. He only looked at her for a few seconds before he grabbed his sports bag, and walked out of the room. 

“Hello?” Hakyeon’s voice asked over the phone, and she almost forgot he was still on the other side of the line.

“I’ll go back now.” She said before hanging up. 

For whatever reason, it sounded best if she didn’t tell Hakyeon about what just happened. She obviously told him about the discussion they had, but she wasn’t going to fire him for that, which Hakyeon seemed really glad about.

“If it makes you feel better, he didn’t actually tell me he did that.”

She looked at him, confused.

“I heard him, the other day when we were outside.”

“How come you heard him and I didn’t?” 

“I guess it was more like I read his lips,” He stated, totally confident in himself. “And I saw the look on the other guy’s face when he was talking to Sanghyuk.”

Everything was confusing. Sanghyuk was obviously looking out for her with that attitude. At the same time, it seemed like something any decent guy (and there aren’t many) would do. But what happened the day before, and earlier that same day was confusing. He had looked at her a way no one has looked at her before. Or at least not in a very long time.

Didn’t he say the other day he liked someone? She hated feeling conceited, but it seemed like that someone was her. Her heart skipped a beat whenever she thought for a second the way he looked at her when his thumb tugged at her lip. She wanted more of that. 

It might have been an awkward way home that day, if it wasn’t for the fact that they ran into Jieun when they were walking out the door.

“Unnie!” Jieun called her, and she turned to look at her. “HR told me they were replacing the delivery guy, and dismissing him!”

She was a bit taken aback. She expected HR to tell her something like that since she also complained. 

“That’s great!”

“Apparently someone else also went in and told them they saw him harassing you?”

Gulping, she eyed Sanghyuk, who was standing just a few feet apart from them.

“I’m glad everything worked out.” She smiled, genuinely. 

Jieun gave her a quick hug before thanking her again, and walking away.

Thinking about what she just told her, she took a minute before turning to Sanghyuk.

“It’s unfair they believed us once you also went forward.” 

He looked at her for a second, before sighing. 

“I’m sorry, noona.”

“Don’t worry,” She smiled at him comfortingly. “It has nothing to do with you.”

They started walking towards her place. She felt like she should say thank you anyway. And sorry as well. She wasn’t convinced about his attitude yet, but it helped her, and Jieun. 

“Sanghyuk,” He looked at her as they walked. “Thank you for helping me.”

He seemed a bit taken aback by her words, but remained silent as she kept on speaking.

“And I’m sorry I got upset with you.”

“It’s alright, noona.” He patted her shoulder gently. “I’m sorry I upset you, as well.”

She was thankful Sanghyuk was so easy going. Conveying her feelings would somehow put her in a vulnerable position she wasn’t yet ready to take. So she settled with just nodding her head in response.

The rest of the way was calm, only exchanging frivolous words about how the rest of their day went. The tension was palpable but neither of them did anything about it.

*

The next few days were exactly the same. Sanghyuk never brought up those small moments of intimacy they shared; and she didn’t do it either. She was far too embarrassed to do it. 

Her head kept going about the idea that maybe Sanghyuk liked her. Like her like her, not just in a boss-assistant way, or whatever. 

She also wondered about how it would look if they were seen together. The rule of dating someone within the company wasn’t exactly a rule, as it has more to do with appearances than anything else. But it did look bad, especially because Sanghyuk was almost five years younger than she was. 

She groaned loudly from her seat in her office, as she dropped her head on the desk. It was Friday, and the constant thinking of that rule (and Sanghyuk) worned her out.

“You ok, noona?” Sanghyuk asked, from his desk.  

Sanghyuk was so sweet all the time, except when he was really all up her face. She hated him.

“I wanna go home now.”

“In three hours, we can.”

Somehow, “we” really sounded like both of them were going to her place, and she was glad he couldn’t see her face because she was blushing like hell. 

She didn’t feel it was a particularly good day when it was finally time to go home, and it was raining. Pouring down raining. She looked out the window, and was at least thankful she was wearing spool boots, instead of the classic pumps or scarpins she usually wore. 

“Noona.”

Sanghyuk’s voice interrupted her thoughts, and she turned to look at him. He was looking at her curiously, with his bag already in his hand and an umbrella in the other. 

“Shall we get going?”

She would usually take a cab to her place if it was raining, but she didn’t want to go home alone, without Sanghyuk. She nodded, grabbing her coat and bag before walking out of her place.

The only umbrella she had was the one Sanghyuk grabbed, so they would have to share. It was a big one luckily. But he seemed to be only putting it over her head instead of in the middle, so he wouldn’t get wet either.

“The umbrella is for both of us!” She elbowed him on the side, and he bent over a little, but was clearly unaffected. 

“Don’t worry, noona, I have more hoodies at home.” He replied, chuckling.

She grabbed his arm, the one holding the umbrella, and locked it with hers.

“Now you have no excuse.” She grinned. 

He smiled back at her, like he was trying hard not to smile even wider. She thought it was adorable.  

She did, however, feel slightly nervous being so close. Maybe he felt her heartbeat, which was really fast in that moment? She was positive she was blushing a little. It was inevitable; she blushed way more often than she’d like to admit. 

“Are you doing anything this weekend?” She asked, trying to make conversation.

“I have dancing classes with Hakyeon-hyung tomorrow morning, and I also work at night.”

She didn’t forget he took dancing lessons. She’d love to see him dancing one day, she knew he was awesome at it. 

“What about you, noona?” He asked, looking at her with curiosity. 

“Nothing in particular, probably watching some movies or series.”

It was embarrassing to admit her life was pretty uneventful, but it was what it was. Maybe she could hang out with Hakyeon on Sunday. 

“That sounds fun!”

She huffed, glaring at him playfully.

“No, really! I barely have time to watch a movie every now and then, so it does sound fun…” For some reason, his voice was kind of deflating, like he was kind of embarrassed by saying that.

“Well that’s understandable since you work and study so much.”

“I guess…”

He sounded more down than before, and she didn’t like it. 

“What’s a movie you really like?” She tried to deviate the conversation back to a more light subject.

His eyes opened up adorably, and he seemed to be thinking about his answer very seriously before he spoke.

“Maybe one of the Avengers… I do like them all.”

She really tried, but couldn’t help but laugh.

“Is that too lame?” He asked, giggling.

“No, no!” She said, trying to compose herself. “It’s just really cute! Adorable actually, that you like superhero movies!”

He scratched his nose, obviously embarrassed, but she still thought it was lovely. In an attempt to make him feel better, she pat his arm, before speaking again.

“I like those movies as well, I love Endgame actually.”

“Not the best of the entire series, not gonna lie.”

“Maybe, I like all the characters in there though.”

He hummed in response. 

The arm that was locked with hers tightened every time it was time to cross a street. It caught her attention the first time they crossed a street like that, but it was then the third time. Maybe he was doing it on purpose.

“What about you, noona? Favorite movie?”

“I don’t know if we have the same taste.” She was embarrassed about telling him her own favorite movie, but she did laugh, she couldn’t object much. “I love Moulin Rouge!”

“Oh, that’s a good one.” He replied, completely serious.

“You think?”

“Yeah, what they did with the music there? Completely awesome!”

“Yes!” She nearly yelled, very excited to talk more about the movie. “Love how they combine multiple songs to create a musical like that!”

The way in which Sanghyuk looked at her in that moment, with soft eyes, could utterly melt her until she was nothing but goo on the ground. 

That was also the moment her legs, after resisting Sanghyuk for so long, decided to give up on her little, and she slipped. Slipped and almost fell. And it was really almost, because he was there, his arm tensing again, supporting her as he grabbed her other arm with a strong grip, not letting her fall and hit the ground.

She was dazed, confused about slipping and then being caught by Sanghyuk so fast. But he was looking at her, concerned.

“Are you alright?” He asked. 

“Yeah…” She replied, looking at him in the eye. “Yeah, I’m fine. Thank you.”

He helped her stand on her feet steadily, before letting go of her arm. His gaze was still fixed on hers, and she didn’t dare to turn away until she started feeling embarrassed, so she looked down.

He must have noticed she was nervous, because he extended his arm, the one she was still holding, with a soft smile on his face, like an invitation to keep on walking. Accepting his gesture, she linked her arm with his again, returning the smile as they kept on walking.

The rain was getting worse by the minute, and they were only three blocks away from her place. But Sanghyuk lived God knows where, so she wanted to hurry just so he could make it home without catching a cold on his way back.

“Come on!” She was tugging at his arm to make him walk faster. 

“You’re gonna fall for real if we start running.” Sanghyuk said, grinning mischievously, but walking faster still. 

“I won’t!” She said. She only almost fell because she was looking at him and that was a weakness in that moment. 

Against what was probably the wiser choice, they both started jogging down the street, with Sanghyuk giggling happily as he held the umbrella. 

She felt like a kid again, laughing and trotting down the rain, getting wetter than she should because running with an umbrella was almost impossible, especially when someone else was carrying it. But Sanghyuk didn’t seem to mind though, totally enjoying himself, getting wet as well as he tried to keep up with her own pace.

They stopped when they were about to cross the street to get to her building, only a few feet away before crossing the street. They giggled all the way there, as she firmly grabbed Sanghyuk’s arm once again.

“That was fun.” She commented, as they reached the main stairs.

Sanghyuk only nodded, beaming. She pulled him in under the stairs with her, under the roof so he wouldn’t get any more drenched by the rain. His hair was a little wet, some droplets falling on his shoulder as he closed the umbrella. Her own hair was a little soaked as well; she felt bad for him though.

“Thank you again, for walking me home.”

“It’s cool.” He replied, with the same smile on his face. 

His hand was on her hair then, to her surprise, gently combing it and pushing it away from her face. 

She took a step back, going one step up. His hand went down slowly, and he eyed her intensely. She was a little frightened about the situation, feeling like she might be misreading everything when he was so nice to her all the time. 

Not wanting to read between lines anymore, she took a deep breath before asking.

“Do you like me?”

Flustered, she tried not to break eye contact, especially when Sanghyuk raised one eyebrow, skeptical. He stayed silent for a couple of seconds, which might as well be hours for all she knew, only blinking once as he went up one step, towering over her one more time. 

“Don’t you know?” He asked, voice low.

She blinked, not really following what he meant to say. His hand reached for her face this time, fingers softly stroking her cheek.

“Everything was for you.”

The hand he had on her cheek slid down her jaw, his thumb caressing her cheek, as he slowly closed the space between them. 

It was like her heart stopped and there wasn’t enough air when Sanghyuk kissed her. It was just his lips pressed against hers, sweet and tender, she could melt right there. She closed her eyes after a moment of surprise, and kissed him back.

He pulled away too soon, or at least she felt like it, but remained close.

“I do like you.”

She had no idea what was going on, her brain taking a long time to register all the words he had been saying even before the kiss. 

Inhaling sharply once his words settled in, and feeling encouraged after his confession, she grabbed him by his clothes and pulled him in for a kiss again. 

Sanghyuk seemed to be frozen when she moved in so boldly, but quickly cupped her face with both hands, kissing her back and smiling into it; the noise of the umbrella falling from his hand to the ground not bothering them one bit. It was different from the last kiss, still gentle but slowly getting braver, and all she could think about was that it was really happening, warm delight spreading from her chest.

“I like you as well,” She said when they stopped to breathe. “A lot, actually.”

He grinned, youthfully, and planted a small kiss on her lips before pulling away.

She couldn’t help but look at him intensely with a big smile on her face. She was not ashamed at all, not when he was looking at her the same she looked at him.

Without saying anything, she slowly went up the stairs until she reached the door, still smiling as she grabbed the keys from her bag to open the door. Sanghyuk stood there, on the first step, looking at her adoringly. 

She didn’t really want that moment to end. If she could she would spend forever kissing him. 

Having already opened the door, she dropped her bag on the floor, turning around to face Sanghyuk once again. He had already grabbed the umbrella and had turned away, but looked her way when he heard the sound of her bag plonking, just in time when she went all the way down the stairs and basically threw herself at him. 

Sanghyuk barely faltered, dropping the umbrella again and wrapping his arms around her waist when she kissed him. She wanted to make the most out of that moment, and Sanghyuk seemed happy to oblige, kissing her back just as intensely. She hummed when he squeezed her sides, feeling deliciously small by the way he was holding her. 

Neither one of them wanted it to end, and she could feel how eager he was when she pulled away, and he went on to kiss her cheek, her jaw and her neck. Sighing, she melted right into him, throwing her head back to give him better access. She wanted more, so much more.

“I have to go to work.” Sanghyuk spoke into her neck, voice spilling annoyance and frustration.

She pecked his lips and pulled away, smiling sweetly.

“We’ll see each other next week.”

His hands squeezed her hips once more before he stepped away. He held her hand as she went up the stairs, only letting go because neither could stretch their arms more. 

As she went in, grabbing her bag from the floor, she showed him her smile one more time. He returned it, holding the umbrella once again as he waved (adorably), before walking away.

Once she was in her apartment, she lingered on her door, not taking off her shoes or coat. Sighing loudly, she hoped she wasn’t dreaming, everything that happened too delightful to be true but somehow it was. She licked her lips, still tasting him, and dropped to the floor, burying her face in her hands, feeling like she may explode any minute.

When she was in bed, at midnight, almost dozing off already, she got a text message. From Sanghyuk. 

Sanghyuk: So you like me, huh.

She smiled, knowing well he was joking. She wondered if she could start joking too, and how mean could that joke be. But she didn’t want to risk it yet. 

If I recall, you said you liked me first.

Sanghyuk: Fair enough, I do like you.

Sanghyuk: You’re the best boss I had. And you’re pretty hot.

She tried not to blush, but she knew she failed. Luckily he couldn’t see her.

And you’re a pretty hot assistant.

Sanghyuk: It’s like we were meant to be.

Sanghyuk: Can’t wait to see you on monday. I miss you. 

I miss you as well. 

She fell asleep later than she hoped, looking forward to next week already.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Jintian

Jintian has 21 X-Files stories at AO3 all posted during the original run of the show and all fics you should read if you like beautiful words and lovely character insights (and you do!). I've recced some of my favorites here before, including Argus, Diving, God's Breath, and Seven Days. Big thanks to Jintian for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

Many authors from the original run still loom large in my mind, so I'm glad to hear it. The show had great production values and cinematography and iconic characters, and I think that level of quality was reflected in fanworks. Good writing is good writing no matter how old. For myself, I'm happy if anything I made still resonates with people. What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

Just doing the math, I first discovered XF over half my lifetime ago. I was a sheltered introverted young'un. Online fandom introduced me to a diversity of people and perspectives I couldn't have found in my "real" life at the time. I'm especially grateful for the wisdom of women who, over the years, advised or supported me or simply led by example – not only with writing, but with everything from relationships to job interviews to finances. And I love that in so many places I've lived or traveled, I've been able to meet someone local who already feels like a friend.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)? The Scullyfic mailing list, ATXC, and archives were my main venues. Scullyfic was such a well-run group, with structured discussion topics, post-episode commentary, and writing challenges.

Also, an image comes to mind: for some reason my dad put our computer in the garage, where we had a fan but no air conditioning, and we lived in the US southeast which feels like the armpit of hell in the summertime. I'd sit in that sweltering muggy heat for hours getting my fandom fix. And the only way to connect to the internet was via landline, which I couldn't tie up during the day, so that meant a lot of late nights as well. My fandom equivalent of trudging miles uphill in the snow?

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general? With regard to fanfic, I learned how to receive and give constructive criticism, before and after posting. Even if it was "just" fanfic, most everyone wanted to improve their writing. I think that was a good mindset for me to cultivate, personally and professionally.

With regard to fandom, I learned how to be an active and analytical consumer, and that there can be many (many!) interpretations of a text. What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show? The fanfic, actually. Somehow in my internet wanderings, I stumbled across Gossamer. Dawson Rambo's casefiles were also early finds. Curiosity about the characters drove me to check out the show.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

As far as writing my own, I had an image in my head which I jotted down, and over several months I kept adding to it – mostly navel-gazing, not much plot. The resulting story was a hodgepodge of different POVs and different tenses. *facepalm* But I received some lovely feedback, and I felt very welcomed. For me the XF community, with everyone's creativity and dedication, was just as inspiring and motivating for fanfic as the show.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

I think of it like school. I learned a lot, I graduated, and now it's primarily occupied by a new generation. Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

If XF was like university, then afterward was like graduate school. Sophiahelix and I started a multi-fandom mailing list called Glass Onion and met lots of folks. Livejournal/Dreamwidth became big public platforms which enabled tons of cross-fandom links, recs, and discussions – and sometimes clashes. Although it wasn't as intensely formative for me as XF, I realized that fandom in general has had an undeniable impact on my life. [Lilydale note: That’s a link to a wonderful little essay Jintian wrote about fandom.]

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why? I love the sneak attackers, the ones who seem unassuming or perhaps disadvantaged, but they're actually out here killing the game. Dana Scully was a small-statured person who had to move the driver's seat to reach the pedals – like me – but she was an FBI agent, medical doctor, and forensic pathologist – unlike me, but goals. Other similar faves are Toph Beifong (Avatar: The Last Airbender), Mat Cauthon (Wheel of Time), and Jang Geurae (Misaeng). Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully? Several years ago I had the notion to introduce my husband to the show, and it was totally enjoyable and could stand up with shows airing today. (Husband queried: "What is the deal with Mulder? He should have been fired 19 times already." We were in Season 2.)

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

No XF lately, but I'll check AO3 whenever I encounter a shiny new ship. Reading fic is my only fannish activity these days, so I stay happy and conflict-free.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors? It's been ages, but today I'm thinking of torch, Jane St Clair, Jordan, RivkaT, MustangSally, Khyber, nevdull, Justin Glasser, Vehemently, Nascent... On any other day it could be a whole different list. The fandom was so rich and deep in writers. What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

My XF stuff was kind of all over the place. I experimented a lot, with mixed results. I guess I'm glad about some of the subject matter I tackled, like Scully's trauma and post-abduction state of mind (and body) in Loss of Yesterday, and the thematically similar Longer Gone, which explored Samantha.

What's the story behind your pen name? Jintian means "today" in Mandarin Chinese. I was feeling existential. 🤷‍♀️

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions? I've only ever told an ex and my husband. They were allowed to read one story – which I chose. They thought it was cool, I guess. I can't remember clearly because I had my fingers stuck in my ears going "lalalala!"

However, I can always count on my husband to say something savagely funny about fandom mess, so I just try to curate his exposure. For instance, he could recap the Msscribe saga but couldn't tell you any of my usernames. He's also met a number of my fannish friends so he knows how we get, hah.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

AO3 Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

As I'm writing this, the world is grappling with COVID-19. I'm wishing everyone safety and health, both physical and mental. If fandom provides a positive escape, embrace and enjoy it!

(Posted by Lilydale on October 6, 2020)