kai-skai

[kai-skai]

Tell me a soft memory

[kai-skai]

I can’t even begin to tell the story of how hard it was to find not only the cropped but then also the full version of this song but. Well, took me almost a year, but I did it.

“Move Me” by Drew Sarich, soundcheck song of the Austrian Railway trains, apparently commissioned by the railways (to replace “Bundesbahnblues”) and then taken down from the internet ca. 10 years ago with barely any trace. No lyrics are available anywhere, no paid downloads. The version played in the trains is only a short loop, and the still existing versions in various ÖBB ad videos all have sound effects and aren’t the full version either. Luckily I’m very obsessed with it so after a very tedious goose chase across the web I found a complete mp3.

Video clips are archive footage from Youtube and my own recording at the end.

[kai-skai]

Accidentally wound up on "hear me out cake" tiktok, and I swear, if another one of these bitches puts down an at-most-unconventionally-attractive human man, Lady Dimitrescu or Nick Wilde/Robin Hood I am going to lose my fucking mind.

Saw one where the first person they named was Disney's Aladdin and I tapped out so hard I entered a fugue state and didn't regain full consciousness for like a solid hour.

[kai-skai]

it's the start of the week, there's still time!

[kai-skai]

reasons.

[kai-skai]

[kai-skai]

just remember, one day you're going to open tumblr and the crabs will be raving like they never have before

[kai-skai]

reblog to diminish the horrors from the person you reblogged from

[kai-skai]

[kai-skai]

“average person eats 3 spiders a year” factoid actualy just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

[kai-skai]

trick or treat please 😊

You receive 1.213kg of foraged blackberries

[kai-skai]

[kai-skai]

something i constantly struggle with as a psych survivor is that "self-improvement" or "self-care" were utilized as punishment in adolescent psych treatment. "you self-harmed, fill out this worksheet about it" "we will be kicking you out unless you agree to use three skills before using behavior" "you spoke out of turn in group, go sit alone in the room for hours for self-reflection + write a plan as to how you are going to reintegrate into the community"

it wasn't collaborative; it was imposed. it wasn't curious about my needs; it was imposing their vision of how they wanted me to behave. it wasn't about addressing my pain; it was about addressing specific things i did with that pain which were deemed undesirable.

in contrast, self-destruction was routinely a way to act against power + authority that were causing me to feel belittled, unloved, trapped. finding ways to self injure when every second of my life was monitored. finding ways to use 'coping mechanisms' against themselves as ways to harm myself. cultivating self-hatred because i knew that's what i wasn't supposed to be doing + i needed to rebel against the people telling me what i was supposed to do (this rebellion is sacred, btw).

now, as an adult, taking care of myself still feels like something i'm Supposed to Do under Penalty of Punishment, while self-destructing still feels like resistance + freedom. self-destruction feels like a precious thing that proves that i belong to myself + self-compassion feels like people trying to take away that belonging.

anyway. kill the psychiatrist inside you but be mindful of the terrified child he created who is still bloodying their nails on the insides of the asylum walls.

[kai-skai]

Your gender is now the first randomized wikipedia article you get. No rerolls.

[kai-skai]

This is perhaps a cruel feeling to have but I am made almost angry by people who “doubt their faith” just because a bad thing happened to them.

You always knew it happened! You are an adult! You know horrific accidents happen, innocent people are hurt, fawns die in the woods without witnesses! But as soon as it’s not “somebody” and it’s you, you stop believing in a loving God?

If you say “I can’t reconcile all the bad things that happen on Earth with a God who is good” I get it.

If you say “I can reconcile all the bad things that happen on Earth with a God who is good” I get it.

If you say “I can reconcile all the bad things that happen on Earth, but I can’t reconcile all the bad things that happen to me with a God who is good,” I dont understand. I’m uncomprehending.

[kai-skai]

[kai-skai]

Finished a thing!