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lostaroace · 3 years ago

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Unseen | ER John Carter x Reader (ch.2)

Series Masterlist

Chapter One — Chapter Three

Pairings: John Carter x Fem!Reader

Summary of the chapter: Let’s know a little more about John Carter and Y/N’s relationship in their first years.

Word Count: 2171

Unseen ER | Chapter Two.

Every story starts from the beginning, and the story between John Carter and Y/N L/N had, also, a beginning. Far into their third year as med students, both of them were accepted into the County General teaching program; up until that point, none of them had met. Carter had done more "fancy" specialties like dermatology, while Y/N had been more enthusiastic about trauma situations, which obviously means that she was way more prepared to be in the Emergency rotation than him.

John Carter's medical tug had its origin in the death of his baby brother. God, he missed him. Bobby was John's partner in crime and mischief until he got sick; then John became his brother's confident and rock. Both children were well aware of the pain and uncertainty in their parents' eyes; there was nothing they could do to help Bobby. He was going to die, no matter what the doctors tried. John made up his mind then. He was going to become a doctor.

The Carters were old money in Chicago. They had different companies and foundations, and although they understood the point of helping those with fewer resources, the truth is that apart from giving them money, they didn't do much. After Bobby's death, John's parents suffocated in their grief, ignoring his remaining child, who grew up with his grandparents and an open mind. He wanted a change, and he wanted to be part of said change. Of course, the family allowed him to study medicine, although they kept envisioning his future as head of the Carter company without asking about his opinion. He had no voice.

Although John grew up surrounded by money and fancy items, he had principles, expectations, and goals. He wanted to be a surgeon. Why? Well, it was the most difficult specialty, of course. If he was able to pull out a good performance, if he was able to understand, learn, and use the knowledge to help people from the darkness of death, then he could happily go to his family and say: "My work as a doctor is more useful than being in the company; give it to Chase, he will do just fine."

What John didn't expect was the fact that working in the ER was more exciting, electrifying, and rewarding. He fell in love with the rush, the quiet, the work against the clock, the delivery of babies in taxis… Yeah, even the complaints weren't so bad after a few hours. He loved it; and he could totally understand why Y/N had always that bursting and contagious energy inside her body, glowing eyes, and determined stance– she lived for those moments in the ER.

Y/N had fit in perfectly with Doctor Mark Greene on the first night of their shift together. They worked together as if they had always done it. She didn't hesitate. She didn't vomit. She was home.

John, on the other hand, felt like a disaster. Doctor Peter Benton seemed to despise him and to enjoy torturing him, seeing him fail. Because he did fail. He hesitated. He vomited. He felt unworthy to be a doctor and that echoed in his mind just like the condescending affirmations of his grandmother.

Just in the middle of his first night, a shot wound came into trauma, and although he wanted to help… well, up until this point he had just specialized in simple things. John felt dizzy and nauseous, and Benton just dismissed him with an "I don't need you anyway" which was fair, but ouch. He went outside, to the cold Chicago air. He crouched with the stethoscope between his hands, pressing it to his forehead, trying to calm his breathing.

John Carter, the failure.

Mark Greene came looking for him. His calm steps echoed like there was nothing else but him and the Emergency entrance. Greene was not like Benton; he looked and was kind. He was interested in the students' improvements, and in the professionals' well-being under his wing in the ER. As he approached John, he kept his distance. He gave him privacy by not looking straight at him, and not invading his personal space.

"I thought I was gonna be sick… I'm sorry." Carter confessed with a sigh.

"Don't ever say you're sorry," Mark advised. "See, there're two kinds of doctors: there's the kind that gets rid of their feelings and the kind that keeps them," he explained as he closed the distance with the student. "If you're going to keep your feelings you're going to get sick from time to time, that's just how it works."

John leaned his head against the wall behind him, feeling the cold concrete clash with the hotness of his skull. Mark Greene, with his green scrubs, round frameless glasses, and his hands behind his back, seemed both strong and kind.

"Keep your head down," he ordered; his voice sterner than before.

John knew that his nausea was easier to die if he did as he was told, but he took his time to comply, undoing his tie. Greene crouched right in front of him. He had been approaching the student as if he was some sort of wounded wild animal in need of help; he was to some extent.

"People come in here and they're sick, dying, and bleeding… and they need our help. Helping them is more important than how we feel." Carter nodded to Greene's words. "But it still a pain in the ass sometimes," he added, wanting to break the solemn tone of the atmosphere between them. Carter broke with a soft breath of a laugh, that kind that fights against the will to cry. "Sometimes I just want to quit and do something else," Greene claimed, and whether it was the truth or a lie, no one could tell. They shared a look, searching for an answer they didn't have. "Why don't you take a few more minutes?"

"Yeah…"

Mark Greene got up and started walking towards the hospital, in slow steps, looking back. "By the way, I was in medical school with Benton. He used to get sick all the time so don't let him give you any crap. Okay? You're gonna be fine."

That talk engraved itself in John Carter's memory with fire. Whenever he felt useless, restless, frustrated, alone… Mark Greene's words echoed in his mind.

Mark Greene was a good teacher.

He was a good doctor.

He was–

Yeah. He was.

He didn't have that talk with Y/N, there was no need for it because she already knew that. Greene could feel and see the fire in her determination to be good to the patients, to help them, to keep her own emotions and feelings, and be empathic but not to the point of ending up suffocated with her own remorse. He talked to her, of course.

"You can't save them all," he said. "You can try; we all do. Yes, sometimes is our fault as doctors because we have not done the proper thing. Yet sometimes it just happens no matter how hard we tried."

"I could've–"

"No," he cut her off, "you couldn't have. All the what-ifs that are running through that head of yours have only one purpose: to make you a better doctor. Don't punish yourself, Y/N; just learn."

Shearing their learnings was something that unified Y/N and Carter during that time. It made them stronger, although it could be quite tense at times.

John Carter was a cutie, which he was well aware of, obviously. He was tall and slim, with perfectly smooth brown hair, lovely doe eyes, and a crocket smile; half adorable and half mischievous. He was fun and witty and kind and smart and– and– Yeah, Y/N fell deep for him. Who could've blamed her? Really? Carter had some sort of magnet that made people like him, whether romantically or platonically, didn't matter.

The first time she asked him out on a date, he stuttered, looked around, and with all the kindness of his heart, said "I don't think we should. I'm… I mean, we're going to be seeing each other here all the time and it would be weird if it doesn't work like– I don't know."

Y/N understood that, and although she felt her face hot with shame, she gave him a big smile and a nod. They didn't talk about it anymore. Of course, she ended up finding out about the crush he had on Susan Lewis. She did not correspond with his feelings, though Y/N was certain it was more about the teacher-student situation than Susan being immune to Carter's charms. Then, the next year (1995), he started something with Harper Tracy, very quietly at first; Y/N only found out when Carter comforted Ross about him sleeping with a student. That was awkward. Y/N had to agree to some extent that it was better not to be caught in the middle of a mess like that one.

She felt like a fool, nonetheless. Y/N avoided Carter for some time, which wasn't that hard as their shifts were opposite most of the time.

They were on their psychiatric rotation when they spoke again.

Carter had been feeling restless lately. He loved surgery, he wanted to become a surgeon, and he knew that the rotation between all the departments in the hospital was required for his final grades. However, his skin crawled with anticipation every time they received a consult call from the ER. Oh, boy, how much he enjoyed going down there, changing the quietness from psychiatric for the healthy noise from the ER… yeah, that was life. Unable to stop himself, he found his emotions mixing and tangling in awful ways, torturing his mind. He needed air and he resourced to go upstairs, to the helicopter's landing space on the roof of the hospital.

This is where he found her.

Y/N was bracing herself on the ledge, her eyes lost in the Chicago skyline that was lighting up as the sun kept hiding for the night, her hair a mess blessed by the wind. She took a long breath; she held it closing her eyes, and then she let go of it. Carter observed how with the air in her lungs, her tension left her body.

"You're not gonna jump, are you?" He tried to joke distastefully. His arms were crossed around his body, trying to keep the warmth.

Y/N gave him a look on top of her shoulder, acknowledged his presence, and turned again to face the city. John took that as an invitation and walked towards the ledge too.

"Hey, there, stranger," he smiled.

"Hi."

The silence felt heavy and suffocating. "It's something wrong?" She shrugged instead of giving him an answer. "Y/N, please. Talk to me. I miss you."

"You do know that I have feelings for you, don't you?" He snorted as if she was just playing a prank. The look of sadness in her eyes made him go pale and open his mouth, looking for an excuse. "Save it. Look, if you don't like me like that I totally get it, Carter. Just– Don't lie to me again."

"I have not lied to you."

"No. You gave me a shitty excuse and you forget." The shadow of recognition flashed through his face. "Yup."

"It's different."

"Oh, pray tell me, how much different it is."

"My relationship with Harper started out of fun. We meant nothing to get out of it. There's no pressure for it to go somewhere."

"And ours does?" She laughed skeptically and hurt.

"Of course!" John burst.

The silence fell upon them once again. Feeling like her heart was shattering, Y/N focused her eyes on a big building away from them; the wind slapping her face with cold indifference. Carter, blushing uncomfortably, danced from one foot to another, feeling colder and colder as he stood leaning on the ledge.

"We have something now. Something big. I trust you. I– I like you very much. But this– this thing, whatever it is, could explode and break and destroy everything in its path if we misstep." John felt his stomach clench. "Think about this. If we start something, it's going to be something big."

"I only asked you out for a coffee, Carter," she spat, looking at him dead in the eyes.

"I know…" he whispered, taken aback. "That would've led into dinner. Another date. Then another. A relationship. Marriage… Just– I'm not ready for something that steady now. I feel that if we start something I'm going to ruin it. Can't we just be friends? Good friends. The best friends the world has ever seen?"

Stupid.

Fuck, so uncomfortably stupid, and yet…

"Yeah," she sighed. "I guess."

While they decided on that and Carter definitely enjoyed the arrangement quite a lot, she hid her suffering for the lonely nights in her small apartment, covered in bed, sobbing against her pillow.

Yeah, stupid.

To be continued…