#MUSIC AWESOME TOO I DIDN’T EXPECT THAT EITHER

[coconut530]

SPIDER AND STAG

[wheneverfeasible]

Wiggly Wednesday?

The brain worms are here again.

I honestly hate Christmas and avoid doing too much for it. However, an idea came to me suddenly and I can’t stop thinking about…

Secret Santa Steddie AU.

In one of Steve’s high school classes senior year, they’re assigned a Secret Santa project. They all put their names in a Santa hat and have to draw one out (returning it for another if it’s their own) and that’s the person they have to secretly give a gift to, either homemade or purchased, but there’s a cap of like…whatever the equivalent of $20 today is back then. Idk.

This is supposed to be a team building type of exercise, something to foster camaraderie, after say maybe a huge argument/fight broke out between Tommy and his group and the Freak, Eddie Munson, as well as some other nerds. Steve is exhausted and doesn’t care for Tommy’s bullshittery anymore, so he didn’t really get involved, though Eddie did throw a few digs his way. Which was hurtful but probably deserved.

Anyways, Steve draws out Eddie’s name.

For the next week or so the last fifteen minutes of class are devoted to questionnaires and such where the students answer questions about themselves directly or they fill in answers to widely asked questions, all used to let the Secret Santas learn about their recipients. Some people take it more seriously than others.

Steve gets to know more about Eddie, who is more blasé about it all, obviously not expecting anyone to give him something good (if they give him anything at all) since he has no friends in the class and most people don’t like him. So Steve, who has never paid Eddie any amount of attention before in the past but has been now and finds himself intrigued, starts observing Eddie outside of class.

Steve knows he could buy Eddie something music related. An easy cop-out gift. But the more he observes Eddie, the more he gets to see the tiny cracks in the Freak persona whenever he spies on him, sees the nerdy but also kind person beneath the leather jacket. And…okay…maybe he starts to develop a sort of crush without realizing that’s what happens.

Maybe he bribes other nerds about Hellfire Club and Eddie and makes certain they don’t squeal about him asking (he doesn’t realize he comes off as threatening, he just thinks he’s being urging), maybe he hears Eddie mention things and then he goes and asks Dustin what they mean, learning it’s from a book series about midgets and some jewelry or whatever, and so an idea forms.

While shuttling the kids about after school, Steve asks Will if he’d be willing to draw something for him, which Steve would pay him for. Will, obviously excited because it’s his first commission job and Steve pays him fairly, agrees.

(Steve may also purchase a patch at the record store they stop at—Will’s request as he wants to buy something for Jonathan—because it reminds him of Eddie, but that doesn’t matter.)

Yadda yadda ya, it’s time to exchange gifts. The teacher has allowed them to drop them off leading up to the Friday before winter vacation to keep the mystery alive.

When Eddie gets his, he’s expecting something more like a prank gift. Instead, he’s gifted a colored drawing (sadly not enough time for a painting) of Eddie dressed as someone named something like Spider or Arrow Gone or whatever, Steve doesn’t really know, but it’s him fighting off a horde of monster things with a flaming eyeball in the background and further back is an erupting volcano.

Steve doesn’t know what the hell is going on, not really able to absorb the massive info dump Dustin gave him, but Will assured Steve that the dude was cool and the battle depicted was awesome and important when he dropped off his old yearbook for model reference. Will’s opinion was enough for Steve of course. He just hoped Eddie liked it, and the patch that he rolled up with the picture.

Eddie is, of course, gobsmacked and trying his hardest not to show it. He scans the classroom to try to figure out who could have given him such an amazing gift, but no one even looks at him. There’s no way he would ever suspect the truth.

Steve ended up getting a can of Farrah Fawcett spray, which everyone laughed at and assumed was a joke gift for a jock, but Steve noticed a small twitch of a smile on Tommy’s face, the only one besides Dustin now who knows his secret.

Later, Eddie’s battle vest is adorned with the patch he received in his gift, a red and black Leviathan cross, but Steve doesn’t know what happened to the drawing. He hopes it didn’t get trashed.

It’s not until later, after everything with Vecna and recovering what was salvageable from the trailer, that he found the picture safely secured behind a glass frame hidden in Eddie’s room. It’s only then that Steve realizes that he might have been a little bit in love with Eddie “the Freak” Munson all this time.

~

Aaaaaaaah sorry this is a little bit of a nebulous ending here. Does this story follow canon and Eddie is dead, never knowing who his Secret Santa is? Or is Eddie recovering from his injuries, fated to recognize Will’s art style and thus learning the truth behind one of his most prized possessions? Who’s to say 🤷

I’m just gonna tag my perma list because I’m lazy. Anyone can be happy to consider this a tag for their own future brain worms tho!

Hostage Hotties:

@derythcorvinus @katyawriteswhump @honeii-puff @scoops-aboy86 @dotdot-wierdlife

@everywherenothere @bumblebeecuttlefishes

[redpill-tfs]

Red Wave

January 1st, 2025

Yo, so I started this Red Wave trial thing today. The docs said it’s supposed to, like, make your brain work better or something. Was told to track my thoughts in this journal thing. Honestly, I’m just here for the cash. I’m not buying into any of their science-y shit. Took the first pill this morning. Feel normal so far. Guess we’ll see if this stuff actually does anything.

Since I was told to describe myself a bit, I guess I might as well if I want that cash they promised. Name's Blake. I'm 26 and work at a local manufacturing company in the finance department. It's a pretty chill gig. Don't gotta wear a suit either which is good. Didn't even wear one to my graduation and I don't plan on starting now.

Anyway bro, I'm also a proud atheist. Never got into politics, but I guess I'm more liberal. I mean, just let people do what they want, right?

February 10th, 2025

Alright, not gonna lie, I’ve been feeling kinda sharp lately. Like, my head’s clearer, and I’m getting more stuff done at work. My boss Emily even said my presentation didn’t totally suck, which is rare. Oh, and I actually ironed my shirt today before work. Don’t know why—just felt like I should look decent. Weird, right? Maybe these pills aren’t total BS. I don't know why, but I've been thinking of wearing a tie to work...

March 12th, 2025

So get this, man: I bought a suit over the weekend. A whole grownup suit and a tie to go with it. I dunno know why, but I just felt like stepping up my game for my presentation at work today. And man did I look good. I got so many compliments on my fit. It honestly felt really good. My bros thought it was weird and so do I, but now that I have it I guess I'll use it at another presentation in the future.

April 15th, 2025

Something weird is going on. I heard some chick at work talking about her church today. Instead of scoffing and rolling my eyes, it made me, like, think a little. Like I got curious about it. I don't know what's going on, but I might have to check it out sometime.

Speaking of work, I've been wearing a tie more and more. It feels... right. People seem to notice too. I get so many compliments about them. I went back to the store and pick out a whole bunch of different colors. I may be the only guy in the department wearing one, but standing out isn't a bad thing I guess.

May 18th, 2025

Alright, so… I went to church today. Yeah, me. Blake, the proud atheist. Walked past St. Mark’s on the way to grab Starbuck's, and something just made me stop and go in. The music was kind of awesome, and the pastor’s talk about purpose hit me harder than I expected. I don’t even know what’s happening to me, but I’m starting to think there’s more to life than what I’ve been living. I might go back next week to see what I've been missing, but I'm not sure yet.

June 30th, 2025

This morning, I prayed. Like, actually prayed to God. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it, but it felt… good. I’ve also started reading bits of the Bible over the past week. There’s some deep stuff in there. Work’s going great, too. I’ve been mentoring one of the new guys, and Emily says she’s impressed with my leadership. Suits are now my everyday thing. Who knew dressing sharp could feel so right?

July 23rd, 2025

I’ve been pulling away from my old friends. Their whole sarcastic, edgy vibe just doesn’t sit right with me anymore. Instead, I’ve been hanging out with people from church who share my interest in self-improvement and faith. I’m even thinking about joining a volunteer group at the church. Life feels more meaningful now. My mind still feels so clear too. I don't know what this pill is doing to me, but it's working.

August 11th, 2025

I’ve been reflecting on some big ideas lately: responsibility, tradition, family values. They make so much sense now. I’ve also started watching a few commentators online who align with these views. Their logic is compelling. Honestly, I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. It’s like a veil has been lifted. Why should abortion be legal? Why should we violate the second amendment with gun control laws? Why do gays think thy can decide how the rest of us live our lives? So many questions I'm learning the answers to. I never paid much attention to politics, but maybe I should.

September 7th, 2025

Sunday service has become the cornerstone of my week. I’ve officially joined St. Mark’s and volunteered for their community outreach. Pastor Williams’s guidance has been invaluable. I’m entirely committed to this new path. My wardrobe, my habits, even my worldview have all transformed. I’m proud of the man I’ve become. I've said this a million times already, but it just feels right.

October 20th, 2025

Today is my birthday, and reflecting on this past year astounds me. My former self seems like a stranger. I’ve embraced faith, order, and purpose, and it just feels right. I got my hair cut to be a lot shorter than I once had it as a special birthday gift to myself. It feels more appropriate for my new image.

I had some friends from bible study over for a small party. I wore my best suit for the occasion. We played games, ate good food, and prayed of course. There was a riveting debate on the role of faith in politics. All in all, it was a good time. I can't believe how much my life has changed just in 10 months.

November 30th, 2025

Today was the final day of the trial. The scientist leading the study asked me all sorts of questions, from my conservative views to my faith in God and my new sense of style. I'm not sure what it all has to do with a mental focus pill, but I didn't feel like asking questions. I'm sure they know what they're doing. Anyways, I better get going. St. Mark's is having an event today to celebrate God and all of His glory. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

December 1st, 2025

The Red Wave trial has concluded with a 100% conversion rate among participants. Subjects exhibited profound and permanent shifts in personality, behavior, and worldview. Pre-trial skepticism and liberal inclinations were entirely replaced with conservative, faith-based identities. This case highlights the pill's efficacy in aligning individuals with structured, traditional conservative values. Further research will examine long-term societal impacts of widespread application. More subjects needed.

[untitled-document-95]

In The Stars (andy barber x daughter!reader)

Summary: Andy picks up his daughter from dance and enjoys a blissfully ordinary evening

Warnings: None

Requested: by @youmakemefeelbetter

A/N: This is the part where I apologize for a) writing this request and never posting it, b) losing the original fic I wrote, and c) just now posting it...almost two years later 🙃

The song I picture her dancing to is "In The Stars" by Benson Boone, hence the title...but it's up to your imagination as well :)

*gif is not mine*

“Beautiful! Step, step, bend deeply, and-“

The words of her dance coach were drowned out. The music was loud around her, the melody within her. Her concentration only peaked as the music crescendoed to its intense end before slowly fading out. The song ended, leaving her sweaty, breathless, and lightheaded from the high of it all.

“Great job, Ms. Barber. Time’s up, so I’ll see you next week.”

She nods at her coach before retreating to the corner of the studio to change out of her shoes, throw a pair of sweatpants on over her leotard and tights, and slip on the shoes she’d worn into the studio that day.

Outside on the sidewalk, she slipped her team hoodie on as the wind chilled her more than expected. Spring may be here, but winter still hadn’t fully left, either.

Andy Barber’s dark Audi pulled in front of the dance studio to pick up one of the last dancers left that evening. Not just any dancer, but his favorite one: his daughter.

“Need a ride?” he asks, rolling down his window. What a dad joke. His daughter playfully rolls her eyes at him as she pulls the passenger door open.

“Hey, sweetheart, how was practice?”

“It was good. I think I’m as ready as I’ll ever be to do this solo at Nationals.”

“That’s great, honey. You know I’m proud of you no matter what!” Andy looks at his daughter expectantly, but she gives him that “You’re so corny, dad,” look before looking back down at her phone.

“How about dinner? Your mom went to Toby’s and your brother went to a friend’s house, so it’s just you and me.”

“Sure. Can we just grab pizza?”

“I don’t see why not,” Andy replies. The drive to their favorite pizza place is silent, save for the white noise of the drive and the radio softly playing a station neither of them were paying attention to.

At the counter, Andy orders while his daughter scrolls on her phone at a nearby bench. He pays before joining her on the bench.

After a few moments, Andy speaks.

“Hey, can we,” he tries to cool his tone and not sound like a nagging father. “Can we have an actual social interaction not blocked by a cellular device for a second?” She obliges without even an eye roll, surprising Andy.

“Sure, dad. What do you want to talk about?”

“How’s school going?”

“Wow, the most cliché parent question ever,” she teases. “Um, it’s okay, I guess. I got an A on my last science quiz.”

“You did not get your scientific side from me,” he chuckles. “Remember your third grade science fair project? Your mom had to help you with everything, I just got to glue paper to the display board.”

You laugh too. “Yeah, I remember that. Still got a blue ribbon, though.”

“You know, I don’t know if your mom and I really give you enough credit for how awesome you are.”

“Daad…” the teenager begins, but Andy cuts her off.

“No, seriously. We’re really proud of you, kid.” She just gives him a lopsided smile, trying so desperately to hide the wave of emotion his words had washed over her. She didn’t realize how much she needed to hear the words until he said them.

“Order for Barber!” a teenage boy at the counter calls. Andy goes to stand, but his daughter stops him.

“I got it, dad!” she says. Andy wants to believe his daughter offered to go grab their pizzas as an act of kindness, but her rushed tone and frantic body language tell him there was a completely other motive for her actions. Sure enough, when she approaches the counter, Andy watches her begin a mildly flirtatious banter with the boy who’d called their order out. With one eyebrow raised, Andy slowly stalks up behind his not-so-little girl. He claps a gentle hand onto her shoulder and interrupts the conversation.

“Ready to go, sweetie?” he says. There’s an edge to his words that says “There is only one right answer to that question.”

“I’ll see you at school,” she calls to the boy. He returns the farewell and the two Barbers head back out to the car.

“Who was that?” Andy asks, flashing her a mischievous grin.

“Daaad…”

[reignoftiramizu]

Kingmaker finale – tis the end of season 3. It was so frightening dare I say it made me have to pee

^ Do you like my rhyme. Anyways. U know the dril(ling the kingmaker diamond out of Colette's head so I can use it for....... very sane and pacifical reasons....) My @kingmakerpod season 3 finale live reaction below.......

I love the Historian arguing with his editor (FOR FOUR DAYS). Who is his editor. I know it doesnt matter but I feel like the editor is someone the kingmaker fanbase should cling to and make headcanons for. The collaborative headcanon character of Kingmaker. The scp foundation collaborative headcanon character of Kingmaker

The music beneath Telesphore explaining things (after the intro music) IS SO GOOD Also the delivery on “You’ve got other neighbours, Colette. My people are just the only ones who’ve bothered to introduce ourselves” is fucking fantastic

Something that didnt make it into the episode but is written in the transcript was (after the line “It was my codename [Fox], for written correspondence”) “We all had them, and since we were Earth-based we used Earth animals” and I love that line so so much. I could’ve put two and two together w/o reading the transcript I suppose, but I just think thats cute…. that they specifically sought out earth animals to call themselves after

“EISEN: I mean this. You and me, the van, this whole enterprise. Are you still spying now? Has it been going on the whole time?” MY HEART IS BREAKING RIGHT NOW Oh Taqi…. great read…. Also that little “tap tap tap” after “I mean this” was such a great little touch

“NARRATOR: The first symptom of Mage’s Ruin poisoning is vertigo.” SCAARYY INTERJECTION BY THE HISTORIAN PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE

“TELESPHORE: …you probably shouldn’t kiss me any time soon, either. | EISEN: I wasn’t planning on it, trust me” YEEOOOUCH IM SAD

TAQIS READS ARE FUCKING FABULOUS “(struggling to articulate) He’s just gonna- he’s…do you know what I mean? And it’s just hard, y’know- if he’s not gonna be–“ MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD FUCK YOU!!!

“TELESPHORE: No, she said ‘thank you in advance for the money’, and I didn’t respond in kind. There was no agreement, ergo, there is no deal.” AAAUGGHHHHH

Love this creaking in the bg whilst this scene is happening too Its so subtle yet adds so much to the environment

Ok found one of my new favorite line-sets in kingmaker history…. “TELESPHORE: I could never bring myself to disrespect a dish like that, Colette. Especially not with cyanide. It would totally ruin the flavour profile. | COLETTE: Not if it was an almond streusel, though.”

Timberwolf & The little crystal hybrid

“EISEN: Are you going to compensate us for the tickets, or do we have to fork up for those as well?” Love eisen so dearly

EISEN TINKERING MONTAGE OHMYGODDD THAT SOUNDED FUCKING AMAZING IN MY EARS HMGMY GOD I LISTENED AGAIN. THAT WAS THE COOLEST MOST BADASS THING EVER

I cant imagine actually drinking the dirty water of a mop bucket. I think id rather be poisoned w/ Mage’s Ruin than be forced to do that I gotta be honest

“I only say it because I love you” “(deadpan) thank you so much” LMFAO

its rondo I MEAN LIBERATO (only meg will understand this Hi Meg!!!)

I love this diabetic piano Holy fuck it doubles as both a fake movie soundtrack and a rlly good soundtrack to the actual episode. And the sound design flipping from the theater to the projection room. AND THE LITTLE HEAD WHIP ON “THERE” when Liberato turns Telesphore’s head

Sagas voice acting is fucking awesome I know ive said it before but. It is so good. Everyones performances are going so hard in this AAUGHH WHAT A GREAT FINALE & IM ONLY HALFWAY THRU. I DONT WANT IT TO END BUT IM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT

“COLETTE: Yeah, I’m at my limit.” as the kingmaker is pulsing I LOVE THE DELIVERY ON THIS LMFAOOO

I love Taqi’s little additionals like “Well well well” on the “Just as I expected” SO GOOD

ZANETTI. Also “EISEN: See this man? | CONCIERGE: The one who looks like he’s late to his own funeral? I don’t think I could miss him.” LMFAO AND “You’ve, uh, been very helpful” COLETTES FUCKING VOICE HELPP

HISTORIAN STOP CUTTING IN WITH THE FUCKING MAGES RUIN SYMPTOMS YOURE SCARING THE FUCK OUTTA ME IMGOING TO KILL HIM. IM GOING TO KILL HIM WITH MAGES RUIN. HIS KARMA

My heart is breaking I am. Going to kill I think. Saga is getting a big big dose of mages ruin too I think!!! FROM ME!!!

“SAGA: Maybe if I stall long enough, you’ll lose your sense of taste, too.” FUCK YOU

Im grinning because I know what happens and im waiting. Im waiting. It was so good thru text and Im anticipating… IM ANTICIPATING……

THEREEEEAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA TELESPHORE BLOODSPATTER DRINKING VAMPIRE MOMENT. THE COOLEST FUCKING DEATH IN KINGMAKER TO DATE I WILL NEVER. EVER. GET OVER THIS

Love how good neighbors die. I love death lore. Ughhh I LOVE THE FLOWERS GROWING IN HER WAKE its so COOL. AND WEARING BLOOD LILLIES! and the clock tower chiming in the background of all this AAUAGHHH ITS SO CINEMATIC

“COLETTE: The blood sucking was very…(clears throat) You’re lucky to have him, Eisen.” Love it

“But if you, dear listener, were to visit it for whatever reason, you would still be able to find a patch of strange and otherworldly flora growing where the hotel’s garden once was.” LOVE THIS EVEN MORE.

Oh my god what a great season finale. AAUGHH THE MUSIC AT THE VERY END TOO. Oh I love these more intense episodes… I love the shenanigans the trio can get into, and the plucky weird situations they traverse but like…. These intense episodes rlly bloom them. Oh my god. INSANEEE PERFORMANCES FROM EVERYONE. INSANE WRITING. INSANE EVERYTHING. I may not be mourning Saga (Fuck you saga) but I WILL be mourning Kingmaker until SEASON 4 IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEASON FOUR NEEOWW!!!!!!! …. Patience is virtue. Patience is virtue….

I love taking what. 3 days to post things. 4 days to post things. My bad everyone. I will miss you kingmaker (until we meet again, s4)

[hotchocolatefanfics]

Kingdom of The Planet of The Apes Movie Thoughts:

⚠️ Warning! Spoilers ahead! ⚠️

I loved this movie!! ❤️

Ok, so one of the reasons why I love it is because it actually took the time to explore this new ape world which we didn’t really get in Dawn or War.

It also explored different ape colonies and cultures too! Given the locations in contrast to the end of War, I don’t think Noa or Proximus’ colonies are related to Caesar’s original colony but that just expands the world beyond those apes (much like Bad Ape did but even more so!).

I especially loved the eagle raising culture in Noa’s colony! That was just so much fun to watch-and Soona and Dar actually had SPEAKING roles!!! 🤩❤️

Proximus is an awesome villain too! Like I think he’s now one of my favorites-next to Koba and Red! 🦍 But what makes Proxy different is he’s halfway between a king (by that I mean it’s possible he is of royal blood but not necessarily related to Caesar-maybe there’s other legendary ape hero’s in this ape world??) and a cult leader (I mean, good gawd! He literally twisted Caesar’s laws in a way that Caesar would absolutely hate!). But Proxy is also aware of and embraces his limitations-meaning, he may not care for any any humans or other apes but he knows he can use them to get what he wants and he’s willing to let them live as long as he has control over them.

This might be an unpopular opinion too but I was glad that Mae (and the old guy who read to Proxy, forgot his name) were the only humans to directly interact with the apes. I don’t hate human characters but just having these two gave the ape characters a chance to truly shine and for us to see the humans from the apes perspective (and yeah the fact that they can talk despite most being able to-plus that ending-makes me think this will be relevant to any possible sequels).

Also!! I was NOT expecting that beginning!! I was hit with all the sadness of losing Caesar but also in awe of how Maurice, Rocket and the others mourned for him! It really connected War to Kingdom and set the tone for the whole movie.

Ok! Now for the best part in my opinion-the references to the original first Planet of The Ape movie!! Here’s the ones that I noticed!

- The tall grass chase scene

- Humans talking even though they couldn’t anymore

- The baby doll that said ‘mama’

- The beach setting

- Humans drinking water before being chased by the apes

- The soundtrack! Seriously, either they remastered the original one to make a whole new version or it’s different music meant to sound a lot like the original

- And I don’t know if I’d call it a reference but the human base in the ending with the hazmat suit human reminded me of the mutants from Beneath the Planet of The Apes.

- Also the telescope looking up at the stars reminded me of Taylor and his crew being astronauts in the original movie.

- And Caesar being referred to as the first ‘lawgiver’ by Raka

- Humans being called Nova (which is also a callback to Nova from War-which I absolutely love!)

TLDR, I am in love with Kingdom of the Planet of The Apes!! ❤️🦍🦧

[hookedsworks]

Edge(ING) Fitness - Chapter XL

Ivy's POV.

word count: 2331

ao3

masterpost

Ivy had found himself at the gym really early, working off a lot of tension, every day since III had said he loved him. Or, that’s what Ivy thought III had said. He had replayed it so many times, he had convinced himself that he’d made the whole thing up at this point. Today, as he had all week, he was at the gym by six. He still hadn’t heard from III since Saturday. It was once again Saturday, the day of III’s marathon. He needed to work out, badly, so that he was calm when seeing III. He was going to see III. He could hear II and the last time they had talked. 

“You promised me you wouldn’t give up on him,” II’s voice was sharp. As always. Ivy was always pissing II off. This time, he fought back. 

“I don’t know what you expect me to do here, bro. He has ignored all of my calls for the last three days. He even ignored my TEXT! You know how much I hate texting,” II blinked at him. 

“You even…text him?” 

“Yes, ugh, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. He’s done with me,” II swallowed. Ivy tossed a boxing glove at the wall. 

“Well… he didn’t say ‘don’t bother’ when you said you’d see him on Saturday, right? So… maybe take that as a win, and just…see him on Saturday?” 

“Oh, fuckin’! Easy for you to say!” Ivy was angry now. “Your life is perfect now! Your boyfriend is fucking famous, your gym just hit a record membership! You got railed sixteen ways to Sunday by your perfect super star fucking opera singer boyfriend! Mine won’t even pick up the damn phone…I don’t even know if he’s still mine,” 

Ivy shook off the conversation. This was all… this could all be sorted this afternoon. At the marathon. At III’s marathon. He was going to see III. And he was going to fucking…steel his spine and ask if they were still boyfriends. He was NOT going to address the fact that he thought III may have said he loved him. NOPE. 

“Hey man,” a gruff voice caught Ivy’s attention. He turned and saw Vessel. 

“Ves,” 

“Getting a workout in before standing around all day?” Ivy grunted in affirmation. “Me too,” Vessel fidgeted while he set stuff up before turning to Ivy again. “You uh…you heard from III at all this week? He’s been ignoring me,” 

“No, I haven't, not since my rugby game ended,”

“Oh..yeah. That was Saturday, right?” Ivy nodded. “Did you guys win?” 

“Yeah, it was a really good game. Close. But we pulled it out,” 

“That's awesome, man,” 

“You haven't heard from III either?” It finally clicked in Ivy's head, what Vessel had said. “Aren't you guys best friends?” 

“Since third grade, yeah,” Vessel turned toward him. “What…what did you do to him?” he looked up at Vessel’s face. He furrowed his brow and began to defend himself. 

“Genuinely…nothing,” he trailed off quickly, thinking about everything. “Uh…when our phone call ended, on Saturday night. I think… I think he said that he loved me? But there’s no way, you know? Since that, I haven’t heard from him at all,” 

“Have you tried to talk to him again? Or did you fuck off the second he got vulnerable? II told me you would do something stupid,” 

“Woah, hey, what the fuck! No. I have called him a hundred times, I even texted him!” Ivy needed to defend himself against Vessel..and II. He was starting to get really fucking annoyed with II and all of his “I know more than you about everything” attitude. He ripped his phone out, opening his call log and handing it to Vessel. 

“Why are you yelling?” think of the damn devil.

“What the hell are you doing telling Vessel I’m going to ‘do something stupid’?” II blinked at him, blue eyes vacant. 

“Oh, you mean about III?” 

“Fuck you, man,” he snatched his phone out of Vessel’s hand and put his headphones on. He watched II for a second, thought he caught “grow up”, and turned away. Music took over his thoughts and he worked out as hard as he could. He worked everything to failure, didn’t bother splitting into his normal sections or anything. He was mad at II. Insufferable, know it all, hot, perfect partner II. Fuck him. Fuck them both, actually. Except…shit. He didn't know where he was going. He looked around the gym, looking for Vessel. He was officially avoiding II. He'd decided as much. Today was going to be weird. Vessel was up on the stairmaster, running. Up the fucking stairs. Freak of goddamn nature. Wonder what that does for his stamina. Vessel slowed as Ivy approached. He was pouring sweat, topless now. 

“Ivy, hey,” he seemed to be on a runner’s high, flashing a devastating grin. 

“Hey, um… I don't know where Mustache is having his marathon,” 

“Oh, well, we can ride together,” Vessel had a solution immediately. Ivy could see exactly why II was attracted to him. Dammit. II. 

“Will II be with you?” Vessel squinted at him, eyes slightly narrowed. 

“Are you fighting with him?” Man, III was right. He really did see too much. 

“N-no. Of course not. I just…wondered,” 

“He’s going to show up a bit later on. I'm headed over early,” 

“Okay, well, we can ride together. Should I give you my address, or meet you somewhere?” 

“Yeah, send me your address,” Vessel nodded, rattling his number off once Ivy got his phone out. 

***

A sleek black sedan, the very same one Ivy had seen when he'd first seen III, pulled into Ivy’s driveway. He slid his hood up and went out the door. The window rolled down, revealing Vessel. 

“Hey, ready?” Ivy opened the door and dropped into Vessel’s passenger seat. 

“I’m worried about III,” Vessel inhaled through his teeth before replying. 

“I think maybe he just got caught up in his final preparation for the marathon. He hasn’t dated anyone in a while, and he might have just…forgotten he has a phone,” 

“I don’t think it’s that,” 

“Well, if it’s not, then maybe there’s something else going on. He might have accidentally called his mom-”

“Isn’t she…you know?” 

“Yeah, but he calls her. The voicemail. He still pays for the phone. So he can hear her voice,” Vessel told Ivy this as he set off toward wherever III was going to be running. 

“I…wow. He’s really sweet,” 

“Losing her was the hardest thing he’s ever had to go through,” Vessel replied. Ivy’s lip pouted out involuntarily - he hated that anytime he heard something sad he made a pouty sad face. 

“I just wanna hug him, man. It’s so weird not hearing from him. We talk almost daily,” 

“I know. He gushes about you endlessly,” Vessel paused, glancing at Ivy when he pulled up to a traffic light. “He probably did say he loves you. Do you think you’ll say it back if you get the chance?” his eyes narrowed then, eyebrows pitching down into something almost angry. Who was Vessel, and why did he think he could interrogate him like that? He doesn’t know anything about him. He noticed that Vessel had said “if” also, which concerned him. 

“I don’t think that’s any of your business, actually,” he snapped. Vessel held one hand up, off the steering wheel, in surrender. 

“Okay, you’re right, sorry,” 

The ride continued, plunged into an intense silence, until they saw a gathering of people and an arch. 

“The finish line,” Vessel informed him. I gotta say something. 

“Look. I appreciate that you’re looking out for III, but we’ve only been a couple for a few weeks. I think it’s way too early to say anything like that, and I don’t think he meant it at all. I think it was just a slip of the tongue, or a force of habit. His silence is proof he’s embarrassed by it. I just want to see him, tell him to forget it ever happened and go back to dating him like normal,” Vessel’s face was flat, impassive. He did not respond. It made Ivy nervous, brought him back to… he tried to push it out of his mind. 

“I never wanted you, not really. And when I met your friend…I realized just how much better he is for me,” her face was cold, hard. Her eyes a flat, lifeless slate gray. 

“You mean II?” defeat swamped him. Just…defeat. She’d been with him for the better part of the last two years and she was just… throwing it away. Like nothing had mattered. Like he didn’t matter. 

“Yes, of course. He’s everything you’re not. You’re just a personal trainer. You need to grow up. He did. A physical therapist, investments, even sold his stupid bike. I think it was all to please me. He wants me. I know he does. You can’t keep me, I don’t want you. You don’t have any real drive, don’t have a direction. You’re like…his silly little shadow. A lovesick dog, following his every move. The off-brand version of him. Everyone who ever wants you will end up wanting him, in the end. You know that, too, don’t you? I can see it in your face, in the slump of your shoulders. I’m going to get him, and you’re going to watch,” ice slid down his spine. Cold, uncaring. 

“He’ll never want you,” was all IV could think to say in return. He knew II better than that. II wanted people who were kind. Not someone who would say this. 

“Doesn’t matter. I get what I want, and that’s not you, IV,” her features did not move, even though she was ripping his heart out with her teeth. “He ended our relationship by being better than you. I am going to thank him,” it was unfair. It was cruel. She arched one perfect eyebrow. “Nothing to say?” 

“What would be the point?” 

A clap in his face brought him back to reality. 

“Where did you go?” Vessel. 

“Shit, sorry. I zoned out,” 

“Are you okay? You look like you might be sick,” 

“Bad memory,” he shook it off and jumped out of the car. He walked around, followed Vessel. Silent, lost in thought. Memories of Roxy were drifting through his mind, followed by the contrast that was III. III was such a contrast. He didn’t want III to ignore him anymore. He did not want this to end, he was realizing. He was starting to hope that III had said “I love you”, or at least would someday. He checked his phone again. Silence. 

“Hes running by now. Won't be able to send you anything,” Vessel spoke. Ivy had damn near forgotten Vessel was standing next to him. He tried to start a conversation. 

“So, you're…an opera singer? How'd you get into that?” Vessel smiled. 

“Well, when I was really young, I started playing my dad's old piano. And it just…blossomed? I guess, from there. I wanted to be a pianist, and I am, but I found that singing in operas is a bit more steady. And when you've got the pipes for it, why not, right?” Ivy nodded. 

“That's really cool. Are you any good?” he joked. Vessel laughed, and they talked a bit more about his career, his favorite pieces to play, his favorite opera to perform, how he couldn't stand the Phantom opera.  

Later, when they were standing by the finish line, after the conversation had faded peacefully, Vessel bumped into his shoulder. Or…no. II had come. 

“Stop thinking about her. She means nothing,” He mumbled at Ivy, low enough that Vessel wouldn’t hear. 

“How’d you know?” but he heard it in his own voice. He only sounded like that, looked the way he must look, when he was despondent. He had thought the conversation with Vessel had taken that away, but apparently not. II just gave him a look and squeezed his hand. 

*** 

III ran back, after crossing the finish line. He was the sixth person to finish the race. Ivy was cheering and he ran to meet III. III grabbed him. He was being spun around and hugged. 

“You’re here!” he was elated to have III around him. He inhaled the deep, rich, heady scent of III’s sweat, of rain. It took him back to that last morning run they'd had together. 

“You’re sweaty,” III cocked his head, looking down that incredible nose that Ivy loved so much. He smiled, but it had a sad edge to it. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you,” 

“Don’t. Don’t even worry about it. It’s forgotten. Just talk to me again,” III nodded, grinning more. Ivy noticed then…”You got a haircut! Oh my god!” He ran his fingers against the soft buzzed parts of III's head. III had cut a ton of his hair off on the bottom. The top was long still, tied up. “You look so good,” 

“Someone told me I'd look “hot” with an undercut, so i decided to go for it,” 

“Well, I need to send them a thank you note, because they were right. Who was it?” 

 III looked up and around, started to say something that might have been “Vessel” but the color drained out of his face when he saw something. “You oka-?”

“Excellent work, III,” II interrupted. 

“Oh, you guys came too?” his voice sounded weird, stilted and kind of high. He was turning a bright red color. Must be from running. 

“Yeah, and what the fuck is up with this ignoring me for a damn week thing?” 

“I just ran a marathon, why are you interrogating me?” III’s hand squeezed around his, hard. There was something on III’s face, but Ivy couldn't figure it out. 

“Yeah, leave him alone, Vessel,” III grinned at him and his heart skipped a beat. Genuinely skipped a beat, like they say it does in the books. 

Maybe he could say it back. 

[whydontyousaeso]

Tattooed into your brain (pt 1)

Damian preist x Reader

When you first moved to LA you didn’t really expect to wind up with a bunch of friends at a tattoo shop, you also didn’t expect to be wrapped up with a certain man at the tattoo shop either.

Type- fluff!

Warnings- none at the moment!

A/n- hiiiii so I’m actually so excited to be posting this rn. This is honestly more of an introduction than anything, but I promise part 2 will have more Damian/reader interactions! Love you guys and be on the lookout for more content soon!

As you walked the streets of LA, you took in the different senses that overwhelmed your brain. It was so loud and crowded, you weren’t used to it.

You scanned the stores around you, a particular tattoo shop catching your eyes. ‘JD Tattoos’ was the name of it, and it was a dark building with a black and purple color scheme. You had actually been looking to get a new tattoo recently, you just didn’t have the time to look around considering you just moved.

You made your way over to the building quickly, trying to get away as fast as you could from the crowd. When you stepped in you were greeted by the soft sound of rock music and leather everything.

At least they were consistent with the theme.

You looked around for a second, slowly making your way up to the desk. You heard some chattering in the back, but couldn’t tell if there were any workers actually working.

At least you weren’t able to until a young man rolled out into the lounge area, looking you up and down.

“Hey Rhea! There’s a client for you out here.”

“Yeah I’ll be there in a minute.”

You smiled awkwardly at the young man, nodding slightly to show thanks to him. It didn’t take but another thirty seconds for a tall dark haired female to come out.

Not only were they consistent with the theme, they looked the part too.

“Hi, uh, I’m new here and I’ve been looking for some tattoo artists and stuff.”

“Yeah? Have you ever got a tattoo before?”

“I actually have a couple-“

You pulled up your shirt to reveal the big rose on your side.

“I have this one, and I also have another one on my leg too. I really want a back one but I’m not really sure what to do yet.”

“Ohh yeah, well considering you’ve done this a couple times I don’t see where there would be any problems.”

She reached down and pulled out a huge binder, placing it on the counter for you to look through.

“Here are some of my works, look through them and see if any of them stand out to you. If not I’m sure we can get creative or pull something out of our ass.”

You smiled a bit, feeling more comfortable with her.

“What’s your name?”

“Y/n, and your Rhea?”

“Yeah, where did you move here from?”

“Oh, I’m from Washington. I just finished my masters and decided I needed a new place to live.”

“Pretty big jump huh?”

“Yeah, to be honest the only reason I’m here is because my friend has an extra room and is letting me stay.”

You stopped on a particular tattoo, it was a black and white skull with chains going through and around it.

“How much would this one be?”

“Depends on the size”

“How about 5 inches?”

“$200”

You took a second to think. Considering your last tattoo artist charged you more this isn’t a bad deal at all.

“When can you put me down?”

She smiled and pulled out another book. She was flipping through the pages when you heard the door open again. This time a tall man walked in, carrying a duffle bag and some food.

“Hey Damian, Finn wanted to talk to you in the back about something.”

You heard him sigh and set his stuff down at the front desk. Before you knew it he was gone.

“I can fit you in tomorrow at 10, think you could make it?”

“Yeah definitely, do you need a deposit?”

“Nah you can pay tomorrow, I don’t worry about it too much.”

You handed her the binder and smiled.

“Awesome. Thank you so much.”

“Of course, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The next day when you walked in the tattoo shop the same man that walked in while you were talking to Rhea was at the desk.

“Hey, I’m here for my 10 o’clock with Rhea?”

That got his attention

He looked up from his phone and smiled. “Yeah, Rhea is running a little late so she asked if I could prep you, you good with that?”

You nodded and gave a small verbal confirmation. You’ve had men work on you before so this wasn’t uncomfortable for you.

You followed him back to her room, watching his broad figure from behind.

“What’s your name again?”

You asked, breaking the silence.

“Damian, and you?”

“Y/N.”

You sat in the chair, awaiting instructions from Damian. Luckily you were wearing a crop top with a jacket over it, so all you needed to do was take off the jacket.

“This is going on your back right?”

“Yeah”

“Alright, where do you want it?”

You slipped off your jacket and turned away from him.

“Lower center please, I want to be able to work around it in the future”

You heard him hum in approval before sticking the stencil on your back. It almost caught you by surprise, the way his rough hands rubbed over the area. You would be lying if you said that you didn’t start heating up with the way he was touching your back.

You didn’t even know this man, why was he getting you so flustered?

“Do you want numbing cream?”

“Oh, no thank you, I’m good without it.”

You turned around and smiled at him, hoping that your face wasn’t too red from the sudden contact.

“Rhea said she will be here in about five minutes, you need anything else?”

You shook your head.

“Alright then, see you later”

You weren’t able to respond in time before he left. As you sat there feeling the stencil dry you questioned yourself.

Why the fuck was he so stuck in your head?

[cjsarchive]

nothing specific, just would love some fluff from the boys :)

I ended up getting super indulgent when writing this:3. Hope you enjoy!

(Platonic)

Another Day-Incubi x Reader

After eating breakfast with the incubi, I began simply walking around the house, trying to pass time as they all separated to their own endeavors. I stopped walking when I heard some music playing as I walked past one of the rooms. I peered inside to see Erik in his room that he shared with James. He was playing a portable piano. He had a furrowed brow as he continually hit one note over and over. I gently knocked on the door.

He looked up at me and smiled, “Oh! Hello, princess. Come in.”

“Hey, Erik,” I said as I walked towards him, “What are you working on?”

“Ah, I'm just working on a song I recently came up with. I am however having a bit of trouble unfortunately.”

“Oh? How so?”

“I’m struggling to continue the song.” He sighed looking back down at the keys.

I thought for a moment, “Well, I don’t know much about the piano, but maybe I could try to help a bit? If that’s okay with you.”

Erik let out a gentle smile, “As generous as always, Princess.” He scooted over to make some space for me on the chair he was sitting on and I sat down beside him.

“Can I hear what you have so far?”

Erik nodded and began to play his piece. It was very calming. My eyes slowly fell closed and I focused on the music. That was until he suddenly hit a sour note and the song ended. He groaned.

“I don’t know how to continue from that part. I can’t get inspiration for it.”

“Well what gave you inspiration for the rest of the song?”

Erik chuckled, “When we all watched the sunset together the other day. That truly was beautiful.” Erik thought for a moment, “Can you tell me about a time in your life you thought was beautiful?”

“Yeah, sure.” I proceeded to tell him about one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I tried to go into as much detail as possible, hoping that will truly help him get the feel of it. Erik took some time to really visualize my words before he tried playing again. The note that was once sour flowed seamlessly. Erik was able to come up with a few more notes for his song as I watched. It was amazing to see him in his element like this.

Once Erik was finished, he smiled brightly, “Thank you, Princess. What would I do without you?” He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my knuckles, “You truly are inspiring.”

I smiled, “You’re the artist, Erik. You’re the one that’s inspiring.”

I left Erik alone to finish his song in private. As I left his room, Matthew was walking past carrying a load of snacks.

“Oh, hey!” He smiled at me.

“Hey, Matthew. What are you about to do?”

“I was gonna go find something new to watch on tv. You wanna watch tv with me?”

“Sure!”

“Awesome!” He smiled his goofy grin at me, “Come on.” I followed Matthew to his and Damien’s room. We settled down onto Matthew’s bed and he laid out the snacks before looking to me, “You can have whatever you want! I don’t mind.”

I giggled slightly, “Thank you,” I said before taking some snacks for myself. “So, what were you thinking about watching?”

“Hmm, I don’t know. Nothing too serious. Are there any shows you recommend?” Matthew handed me the tv remote.

“Hm, I don’t really know either.” We both chuckled before I turned on the tv and started scrolling through channels. I stopped scrolling when I came across a channel playing Family Feud, “Have you seen this show?”

“Nope. What is it?”

“It’s a game show. The host is super funny. Definitely makes the show a whole lot better.”

“Let’s watch it then!” He smiled. I smiled in return and clicked play on the tv. We didn’t expect to get so into the show so quickly. We watched for at least a couple hours laughing at the host, the contestants, and ourselves as we tried to guess some of the answers as well. We both weren’t particularly good at guessing, which made everything even funnier. We were eventually interrupted by a knock on the door. Matthew told them to come in and in came James,

“Hello,” He greeted, “Lunch is ready whenever you’re ready to eat.”

“Alright, thanks, James!” I said as he gave us a warm smile and left the room. I turned back to Matthew, “Should we continue this another time?”

“For sure! This was so fun! It’s always awesome hanging out with you!” He beamed a bright smile at me.

I couldn’t help the slight blush that appeared on my face, “Thank you! That makes me so happy to hear.” I smiled back at him.

“It’s the truth!” I giggled and thanked him again before we both went down to eat lunch.

After lunch, I entered the living room to see Sam playing a shooter game on the big screen. He seemed focused on his game, so I simply sat down beside him on the couch and watched.

“Whaddup, doofus,” He said simply, not taking his eyes off the screen.

“Hey,” I said in return. We went back to sitting in silence as he finished this round.

“Damnit!” He cursed as he lost.

“What’s the objective of this game?”

“Get chests and take out other players.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, pretty simple. You wanna join in?”

“Really?”

“Yeah. There’s a multiplayer mode.”

“Alright, I’ll play!” Sam passed me the second controller. I found the multiplayer mode and chose my weapon. Sam quickly gave me the rundown of the game and controls before we started our first match. I quickly realized it was not ‘pretty simple.’ I definitely was nowhere near as good as Sam was, it was almost embarrassing.

“Sam, where did you go?!” I exclaimed.

“I ran off already! Why didn’t you follow me?!”

“I got distracted, sorry!” He laughed at me as I quickly tried to catch up to him.

“Where are you?! I don’t know where I'm going! Ugh!” I shouted again as Sam guffawed at my frustration. I jokingly hit him on the shoulder.

“Alright, alright. Do you see that building in front of you?” He pointed at the screen, “I’m in there. Go there.”

“Okay, I’m going.” As I was headed towards the building, I was suddenly shot at and my character fell down and died. Sam didn’t even try to hold down his laughter.

“You got some terrible fucking spatial awareness, doofus!”

“Shut up,” I started to laugh as well. We continued playing for a while. Well, it was more of me dying repeatedly while Sam practically howled in laughter at me. I managed to kill myself with my own grenade at one point.

“Sam! Help! People are shooting at me!”

“Just shoot back, doofus!” But it was too late because I was already dead again. The round ended and I fell back on the couch in defeat.

“That was humiliating,” I joked. Sam fell back with me and reached over to ruffle my hair.

“Don’t worry about it. Hell, you’re way better at other things.” I smiled at his statement.

“Thanks.”

“Heh, no problem.” We simply just laid there for a while, enjoying being in each other’s presence.

“I did have fun, believe it or not,” I sighed contently.

“I did too,” Sam reached and playfully nipped at my cheek, “You’re really cool, doofus.”

“Heh, you’re cool too, Sam.”

Some time after playing video games with Sam, I went to get myself a snack from the kitchen. I found Damien in there, also fixing him something to eat.

“Hello,” He smiled as he greeted me.

“Hey, Damien. What are you making?”

“Just a sandwich,” He had the cheese, meat, and condiments out, “I just need the bread.” He went to the pantry and took a look around before slightly raising a brow, “I think we might be out of bread.”

“Already?” I had just bought some bread last week. Then I remembered that lately Matthew’s been obsessed with bread and butter. That would explain it. Damien chuckled.

“It’s fine. I’ll just make something else,” He said as he began putting the ingredients away..

“I can run and get some bread from the store real quick. You wanna come with?”

“Are you sure? Heh, I don’t need bread right this moment.”

“I know. I kinda wanna get out the house right now though. Besides, Matthew will probably be happy to have more bread as well.”

Damien giggled, “Very true. Alright, I’ll come with you.” We both quickly slipped on some sweaters and shoes and went out to my car. I drove us to the nearby corner store and we picked up some bread, along with some other stuff we needed while we were there. On our way back home, the sun was beginning to set, turning the sky beautiful shades of pink, orange and yellow. “Woah,” Damien looked out the window, “So beautiful. I’ll never get tired of sunsets.” I smiled at him. Seeing his amazement for something so seemingly minimal and common put a warm feeling in my heart. Damien blushed slightly and smiled back at me. I pulled into a park and parked the car.

“Come on, let’s get out and watch the sunset.”

Damien nodded to me before we both got out of the car and into the park. He found a bench facing the sunset and sat down, I guess I tend to forget how magical sunsets can be. They’re so common, It had gotten to the point I stopped really thinking about them. The boys definitely helped bring that magic back.

“Hey, can I see your phone for a moment?” Damien asked.

“Yeah sure,” I handed over my phone, not thinking about it too much, kinda lost in my thoughts at the sunset. I suddenly heard the sound of a picture being taken. I looked over at Damien to see he just took a photo of me.

“Sorry,” He gave a sheepish smile, “You just look so pretty in the glow of the sunset. See?” He showed me the photo he took. I was sure I was blushing right now. I chuckled, “Thanks for the compliment. And that’s a good picture of me, hehe.” I got the urge to take a photo of him as well. He smiled and handed me my phone back. I ended up taking quite a few photos.

“You’re so handsome,” I grinned.

He blushed, “Hehe, thank you!” We took some more photos, some together, as we continued to watch the sun set further into the sky. “Thanks for bringing me out with you. You are so amazing. We should do this more often!”

“Yeah, for sure!”

He chuckled, “We should probably head back. Dinner should be done soon.” Damien stood up off the bench and offered a hand to me to help me stand as well.

After dinner, I saw James going out to the garden. I followed him out, wondering what he could be doing out there at this time, “James?”

He turned to look at me, “Oh, hello, Miss.”

“Hey, whatcha doing?”

“Ah, I was about to start reading a novel I recently found.”

“Oh? What’s it about?”

James perked up a bit, noticeably excited to share his book with me, “It’s a mystery thriller. Someone was killed in a friend group of young adults, so they are trying to find the imposter in their group.”

“Ooh, that sounds interesting! Why read outside though?”

“I love the atmosphere of being in the garden. It’s very calming and, in my opinion, makes the perfect environment to read in.”

“That actually sounds really nice.”

“Indeed,” He chucked. James thought for a moment. “Miss, would you perhaps want to read this with me? I believe I saw another copy of this book in the library.”

“Yeah, why not?”

He smiled, “Wonderful.”

With our own copy of the book each, we sat down next to each other and began to read. Because of his ability, he was a fast reader. Especially fast in comparison to my slower pace. I noticed him catch himself and slow down, trying to accommodate me. I tried to quicken my pace.

“You don’t have to rush to catch up to me, Miss. I don’t mind rereading a few pages. I want you to enjoy the book to its fullest as well.”

I simply smiled, “As sweet as ever.” He merely chucked. We read about a quarter of the way into the book together, pointing out moments that stood out to us and annotating, hoping to solve the mystery in the book. I always loved having discussions with James. He always brought a great perspective to everything. Soon enough, I found myself yawning.

“I think this is a good place to wrap up,” James said softly, “You need your rest, Miss.”

“Can’t argue with that.” I took a moment to simply sit and wallow in the night breeze, “You’re right. Reading out here at night does make for a great atmosphere.”

“I’m glad you enjoy it as well, Miss. Though I must say, your presence made the experience much better.” I smiled and laid my head on his shoulder. We both sat for a while, admiring the night sky.

After, we both headed back in the house and up the stairs.

“Goodnight, James.”

“Goodnight, Miss. Have sweet dreams,” He smiled before we both seperated to our rooms.

[leopardfang15]

A little present for the awesome @racfoam with Harriet and Voldemort. We’ve been chatting and I got inspired. Fun fact, swing dancing was very popular when Voldemort was young.

The portraits outside the ballroom at Malfoy manor were no doubt either confused or enraged beyond all reason. Big band jazz music was blaring throughout the massive room. Death Eaters and the Malfoy’s stood under the grand, crystal chandeliers as the Dark Lord and Girl-Who-Lived spun around each other with quick feet, swing dancing.

It was a popular dance when Voldemort was young. He learned when he’d spend his days wandering London in the summer during his Hogwarts years. He always spent as little time as possible at the Orphanage and old Mrs Cole wouldn’t be caught dead in the dance halls and jazz clubs in London. Even if she did decide to go hunting for him she’d never brace the dance floor. The best place for him to avoid the gaze of that miserable old hag was in the crowd of dancing couples. The fact that swing dancing ended up being kind of fun was just a bonus.

Though now, dancing with Harriet, who had a massive smile lighting up her face, it was the most fun Voldemort had had in a long time. Perhaps the most fun he’d ever had. The only reason Harriet even knew that Voldemort could swing dance was because she once walked into his room and found him listening to a record player playing big band jazz music. She’d never expected him to like music at all (especially after her little trick with her rock music) and if he did she would’ve expected nothing but classical. Seemed the Dark Lord still surprised her. She asked about the jazz music and how he grew to like it. Before she knew it Voldemort was out of his robes, into some trousers and showing her the basics of swing.

Now her low heeled shoes clacked on the ball room floor and her knee length, black skirt fanned out around her as she twirled. She also wore solid black leggings under her dress. Normally she wouldn't but she didn’t feel too comfortable showing too much leg around the Death Eaters due to the high energy dance. All attention was on them once the music changed and the other couples vacated the floor. Voldemort wasn’t complaining. Harriet was so lost in dancing with the red eyed man she almost missed her step when he spoke without looking away from her.

“Got something you’d like to say, Lucius?” Voldemort asked, stepping around Harriet as he twirled her so they were now dancing on opposite sides.

Their host startled, not realizing his lord would even notice the bewildered look on his face. Lucius cleared his throat to give himself a moment so he could gather his thoughts and his nerve. He wasn’t sure how the dark lord would react to this but he hoped the other man would be too distracted by his soulmate to start casting Crucios. “I’m simply surprised, my lord. I didn’t expect you to know any muggle dances, let alone one so… energetic.” Not to mention the fact that his lord was wearing a muggle suit. Not like one could do such moves in robes anyway.

Voldemort scoffed. “Please, your father spent two weeks incessantly begging me to teach him how to do this.” He twirled Harriet out before pulling her back to him. Using her momentum he pulled her back in and spun her around his body before setting her back on her feet. Harriet’s bright eyes and the sight of her hair slipping from her ponytail almost distracted him from Lucius.

“What?” Lord Malfoy asked, face revealing the depths of his surprise. Oh Abraxas would’ve been so disappointed at the unfettered emotion on Lucius’s face. “Forgive me my lord but when would my father have ever seen you do this?”

Voldemort almost rolled his eyes. “There was a function my sixth year at Hogwarts and a Pureblood Gryffindor I disliked had been rather irritating the entire night. Seeing as how I couldn’t curse him in front of the teachers I decided to pull his muggleborn girlfriend onto the dance floor and show her what real dancing was.” He said with a smirk, remembering the boy’s face as he tossed his date in the air.

Harriet was snickering. “And how long did those two stay dating?”

“Not very long.” Voldemort smirked, dipping Harriet low when she jumped into his arms. “Though as a result of my little performance I had numerous students coming up to me at all hours of the day asking for dance lessons. Abraxas being the most incessant and vocal. I eventually taught him as a reward for scaring off everyone else.”

“Why would my father want to learn?” Lucius asked.

“Your mother in particular was quite impressed with the show.” He paused his story as Harriet pressed her back to his. He then knelt down, allowing Harriet to roll over his back and end up in front of him again. “You know, Abraxas wasn’t supposed to marry your mother. He was engaged to a girl two years behind him, Melody Parkinson. I believe your mother was to marry a Carrow. Not only that, but Talia Rosier wouldn’t give Abraxas the time of day.”

It was difficult to hear over the music but there were several snickers coming from various Death Eaters. Lucius himself was beginning to look more and more ridiculous, his grey eyes were so wide one may worry they might pop out of his head.

“In any event, I allowed your father to practice with me; picking me up, tossing me and catching me. Abraxas quickly learned that dropping me would be worse than dropping Talia.” No one needed to guess what the punishment for dropping the Dark Lord was.

“Once I declared him passable he renewed his chase of Talia. I don’t care to know how he convinced her to dance with him but seeing as how your here, Lucius, it’s clear that my dance lessons were instrumental in Abraxas getting the woman he wanted.” Voldemort smirked. “In fact, during my best man speech at their wedding I took full credit for the event. Now I believe I’ll take full credit for your existence.”

There was outright laughter at the sight of Lucius’s dropped jaw now, even from Harriet. Bellatrix’s loud cackling was heard the most over the music. Voldemort was too focused on Harriet to notice, though.

[athetos]

Got the true ending + the super duper final secret in sea of stars and damn what a fucking good ass game. I had way high expectations for this one and it managed to hit all of them. For real if tears of the kingdom didn’t come out this year it would be a shoe-in for my goty. Definitely the best chrono trigger inspired game I’ve played, absolutely nails being a tribute without banking too hard on nostalgia or being tacky, and is original with enough twists and turns to keep you invested. The graphics are awesome, music is beautiful, the combat is engaging, the connections to the messenger really got to me, the designs are great. Lots of quality of life features that the jrpgs that influenced it lacked so that’s always welcome, with the addition of the relics you can turn on and off it’s very accessible difficulty wise but can also provide a challenge if you so desire. Truthfully one of the only criticisms I have is that while I liked Zale and Valere, they were pretty one-note and didn’t have much else going on personality-wise and were pretty interchangeable. It would have been cool if they had more features to distinguish them because it feels like you could read me any line of either’s dialogue and I’d have no idea which said it. As it is the rest of the cast way outshines them which is a bit of a shame. I could see Garl being a “creator’s pet” a bit too even though I personally adored him, but I can see why he might get on other people’s nerves for taking precedence over zale and valere. I love a good sidekick with no magical prowess to speak of who is unfathomably loyal and upbeat, though.

Overall I highly recommend, also play the messenger too. You don’t need to have played the messenger to play sea of stars but it’s also a fucking fantastic game that combines nes platformers in the style of, say, ninja gaiden with metroidvanias and has gorgeous art, some of the wittiest dialogue I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading, and a perfect difficulty curve.

[thisaintascenereviews]

It’s The End Of The Year As We Know It (And I Don’t Feel Fine)

Wintertime is here, folks, and that means a few things: Christmastime, as well as the various things that are associated with this time of year, and what’s come to be known as “list season.” This is my favorite time of year, because I love looking at people’s lists, since everyone is guaranteed to have such a different outlook on what their favorite albums have been throughout the year. I know that my list is not going to be exactly the same as nobody else, because I listen to a lot of different music at different times, but that’s the fun of it. I love seeing what everyone listened to throughout the year, as well as what everyone hated, too. I’m not as negative as I used to be, but I still love seeing a worst of list. You’ll see mine, too, and I decided to do it this year because I listened to enough bad albums that I didn’t expect or anticipate to be just that.

This list, however, is going to be the stuff I really enjoy! I tried to keep my lists small this year, and challenge myself by highlighting the best of the best (and what really stuck with me throughout the year), so aside from a top ten, I also wanted to highlight a handful of honorable mentions. I only have another 14 albums in my honorable mentions, but when I say these are the best of the best, these truly are the best of the best, folks. I’m going to start with those, and they won’t be in any order, but they’re all still worth hearing, nonetheless.

Honorable Mentions

Rain City Drive - Things Are Different Now

Starting with an album I didn’t expect to have on this list at all, it’s the new Rain City Drive album, Things Are Different Now, and this record isn’t the most innovative or most unique sounding, but they really hit their stride with this one. They perfected their R&B meets Octanecore sound, and if I had to pick a few albums in this vein to check out, this would be one of them.

Green Day - Saviors

Speaking of another band I didn’t expect to highlight here, Green Day’s new album, Saviors, is an album I surprisingly enjoyed quite a bit. It’s also nothing special, but Saviors is Green Day doing what they do best, and coming back to their punk roots by knowing what works within their sound. Now I’m not quite a diehard fan of these guys now, but I really enjoy it, nonetheless.

The Story So Far - I Want To Disappear

Pop-punk seemingly had a bit of a turnout on my list this year, because there are weirdly a lot of pop-punk records, especially when I’ve gone on record to say that I’m not the biggest fan of the genre anymore. With that said, most of the albums on my yearend list are either from bands I already like, or in the case of The Story So Far’s I Want To Disappear, this is their best album (especially for coming out six years after their last). It’s more or less an alternative album with some pop-punk influence, but it’s a lot of fun.

Judas Priest - Invincible Shield

I hate to say this, despite being a big metal guy, but I don’t have a lot of heavy metal / heavy music on my list. One exception, however, is Judas Priest’s Invincible Shield, which is also their first in six years. This record, like 2018’s Firepower, it shows them operating on all cylinders, even if it doesn’t do anything that they haven’t done before. It’s just impressive that these guys are in their 60s and 70s, but they’re still putting out awesome stuff.

Usher - Coming Home

Usher’s back with a new album, too, and this time it’s his first in eight years (six if you don’t count an EP from 2018), but this is a great mix of classic R&B, pop, and hip-hop. It’s not quite his best album, but at the same time, Usher’s voice hasn’t gotten any less fantastic. His voice is what steals the show, and if you enjoy that, you’ll surely love this album.

Fluorescents - Scream It At Me

Another pop-punk album on the list, but this time it’s a debut album from Chicago band, Fluorescents, entitled Scream It At Me, and these guys remind me of the 00s “neon pop-punk” scene, complete with bright synths, catchy melodies, and a 2010s scene aesthetic. This is one of the most fun albums I’ve heard all year, and it just radiates joy every time I listen to it. If you love that kind of sound, you’ll absolutely love this album.

The Ghost Inside - Searching For Solace

Metalcore has had a pretty cool year, and I got a handful of those types of albums on the list, but The Ghost Inside’s second album after their six-year hiatus. Even then, this is their first album in four years as well, but this record is a fun, engaging, energetic, heavy, and catchy metalcore album. Sure, it’s got a bit of an Octanecore feel to it, but at the same time, this album is solid for what it sets out to do. I kept coming back to this album throughout the year, and it’s a great and cathartic album for metalcore fans.

SeeYouSpaceCowboy - Coup De Grace

If I had a nickel for albums released this year with the title Coup De Grace, I’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice. Too bad one of those albums isn’t good, and I’ll mention it on my worst of list, but the good one is the new SeeYouSpaceCowboy album. I’ve loved this band for years, but this album is the culmination of their sound. This record is an amalgamation of 00s alternative music, including elements of metalcore, post-hardcore, pop-punk, and even dance-punk. If you loved and grew up with 00s alternative music, like I did, you’ll instantly feel like you traveled back in time to that era, but in the best way.

Denzel Curry - King Of The Mischievous South, Volume 2

Rapper Denzel Curry came back this year with one of my favorite albums of his, King Of The Mischievous South, Volume 2, and this reminds me a lot of his 2019 album, ZUU. That album was a love letter to Florida, and the 90s and 00s influences that Curry has from his home state, but this record is a love letter to the south in general. Mainly serving as a bandleader, so to speak, he brings aboard a slew of southern artists, as well as southern adjacent artists, to have a lot of fun and pay homage to the 00s southern hip-hop sound.

Better Lovers - Highly Irresponsible

A metalcore supergroup featuring every member of Every Time I Die, except for Keith Buckley, and Greg Puciato of The Dillinger Escape Plan, Better Lovers’ debut album, Highly Irresponsible, was one of my most anticipated albums, but it delivers. This album is kind of predictable, because if you’ve heard either band, you’ll know what to expect, but at the same time, it’s done well, so I really can’t complain. If anything, maybe their next album will be more interesting and push boundaries, but this debut is still quite good.

Brigitte Calls Me Baby - The Future Is Our Way Out

The debut album from Brigitte Calls Me Baby probably wins for most unique album of this year, especially for its brand of rockabilly meets 80s post-punk meets modern indie rock. Their vocalist reminds me of a mix of Morrissey (without the pompous attitude and racism) and Roy Orbison. It can get a bit messy at times, especially where their sound is a mish mash of stuff, but it has a really cool foundation, so I bet their next album is going to iron out those kinks in their armor. In the meantime, this is a really solid and unique album that surprisingly works really well.

Neck Deep - S/T

One of the final honorable mentions is the latest album from Neck Deep, which is just a self-titled album. This album came out in January, weirdly enough, but it was something I kept revisiting throughout the last handful of months. I mainly came back to this when it was warmer out, and the weather was perfect for pop-punk. This is one of those albums that isn’t anything super unique, but their sound ultimately goes back to their roots, yet they have a wiser mentality this time around. For that reason, I really enjoy this album, but with pop-punk having a real good year, I didn’t want overload my top ten with nothing but pop-punk albums.

Justin Timberlake - Everything I Thought It Was

The comeback Justin Timberlake album, Everything I Thought It Was, is one of those albums that came and went without much fanfare. It wasn’t hated, but at the same time, JT’s star power has faded over time. He isn’t the big name he was a decade ago, but this new album is still a quite good. If anything, he does what he does best, which is upbeat and catchy R&B, soul, and funk. The album does drag a bit by the end, and the lyrics aren’t very good most of the time, but I’m also not listening to a JT album for its lyrics. This album has some of my favorite moments from him, and some of my new favorite tracks, but it’s a shame that people don’t quite care about him as much anymore.

Now that the honorable mentions are out of the way, it’s time for the meat of the list, but these are the best of the best from 2024. A lot of times, I like to reflect on the year as a whole, and this year is no exception. I think it’s safe to say that this year was full of ups and downs for people, but it was a rocky year full of tragedy, political uproar, and negativity that we just need to escape from (and also fight against). These are my top ten favorite albums of this year, and these are the albums that I either went back to the most, I thought about the most, or that made some significant impact on me this year. There are no prerequisites for genre, sound, style, or type of artists I have here. They range from pop-punk to rap and hip-hop, but I love all kinds of music. With that said, let’s get into this, starting with…

10: Out Of/Into - Motion I

This is the most recent addition to the list, hence why this album is at number ten, but this band is a jazz band featuring some of the brightest and most talented musicians in contemporary jazz today. Specifically on the legendary Blue Note Records, these musicians almost all recorded other albums, but came together for this one. Originally called the Blue Note Quartet to celebrate the label’s 85th anniversary, they changed their name and dropped this banger of an album. This is some of the most fun, energetic, and unique jazz I’ve heard in 2024. A really great album that I wish came out sooner, but an album I needed to mention, nonetheless.

9: Bilmuri - American Motor Sports

Country has had a good year, too, although I didn’t hear too many country albums I loved. I heard a handful that I really liked, but the only one that came close was the new Bilmuri album, American Motor Sports. Bilmuri, known for his work with Attack Attack in the mid-00s and early 2010s, went on to form this band, but this is my favorite introduction to his work. This album is a country and metalcore hybrid, and you’d think this would be a joke or parody project, but it surprisingly isn’t. Bilmuri plays it straight, especially with the lyrics being very heartfelt and quite good for what they’re doing. The breakdowns are crispy, the hooks are catchy, and the twang is great.

8: Lil Dicky - Penith

Lil Dicky dropped his first (and only) album in 2015, and while he was still around, he didn’t release any projects since. I think he should have dropped more stuff, because it would have made his star power even higher, and he would have remained relevant even longer. He isn’t irrelevant, per se, but Penith is his first album in nine years, and it’s also off the heels of his FX comedy, Dave. Starring himself as a fictionalized version of Lil Dicky, the show is a great example of how Internet culture and hip-hop culture intersect, as well as what it’s like to be a viral star trying to be taken seriously (Lil Dicky himself was a viral star when his debut came out).

The album serves as a soundtrack to the show, so the songs on the show are on the album, and that ultimately makes the album better for me, but the album is a lot more poignant and mature than his debut. The songs are also catchier, and more relatable, because they’re more about him as an artist, and who he is, not just the jokes he can make. It’s more introspective, but I can see why people wouldn’t like this; the album does make more sense in conjunction with the show. The show puts a lot of context into these songs, and they hit harder for that, but they’re also really, catchy, and poignant in a few spots.

7: State Champs - S/T

I had a lol of pop-punk albums on my honorable mentions list, but aside from one coming up later, my favorite pop-punk album of the year is the self-titled State Champs album. I loved their last album, Kings Of The New Age, because it had a youthful energy that I hadn’t heard too much in the genre lately, even if it was rather generic in spots. This new album, however, takes that youthful energy and combines it with a world weary and wiser sound, at least lyrically, while also pulling from the 00s. This thing is super tight and catchy, all the while remaining poignant and interesting.

6: Lupe Fiasco - Samurai

Lupe Fiasco’s a rapper that I hadn’t listened to in years before Samurai came out, but this album is a masterclass in making straightforward and easygoing jazz-rap with some fantastic bars and rhyme schemes. Lupe sounds amazing, per usual, but this record is really short and sweet, ultimately making for a memorable listen that I always want to go back to. This record has hooks and lyrics for days, even if it doesn’t do anything that I haven’t heard before. Sometimes that’s all you need, because it rules.

5: Knocked Loose - You Won’t Go Until You’re Supposed To

In the beginning of this list, I mentioned that albums on here will be ones that I went back to quite a bit, that I thought about, or that had some kind of impact on me. The new Knocked Loose album, You Won’t Go Until You’re Supposed To, is one of those albums that I haven’t gone back to much this year, but it falls into the latter two categories. I’ve thought about this album a lot, and when I do go back to it, I love it. This album has made an impact on me, because it’s the one heavy album I heard that really did something unique and different, versus being the same things I’ve been hearing for years. This album is their heaviest and most unrelenting, but it’s also most interesting conceptually and musically. They opt for a darker sound, as well as darker themes, but it works insanely well. This isn’t a super accessible or catchy album, but it’s a damn good one.

4: Childish Gambino - Atavista

Donald Glover, otherwise known as Childish Gambino, not only dropped two albums this year, but he also had a TV come out (Mr. & Mrs. Smith was that show, and it was one of my favorite shows of the year). I didn’t care too much for the second album he put out this past summer, Bando Stone, but I liked the first one a lot. That was Atavista, which was a finished version of a record he quietly put out in 2020, including some new songs and reworked songs, but this thing is a great journey through R&B, soul, and hip-hop. I hate to say this, but this is what Kanye West should be sounding like in 2024, not whatever he’s been doing.

3: Bayside - There Are Worse Things Than Being Alive

My favorite pop-punk album isn’t really a pop-punk album, because it has elements of hard-rock and alternative rock, but that’s the new Bayside album, There Are Worse Things Than Being Alive. I’ve been a fan of these guys for a long time, especially with 2007’s The Walking Wounded, and this album comes close to that for me. It has a diverse sound, the hooks are great, the vocals are top tier, and the guitar riffs are crunchy and heavy, so this has all the makings of a solid Bayside album. The lyrics are a bit lackluster in spots, but they’re fine. The hooks and the vocals really make up for it, especially when this band has gotten on my nerves for making the same album over and over again in recent years, but this is such a step up.

2: Kendrick Lamar - GNX

When I first put together my list a few weeks ago, Kendrick Lamar’s surprise album was only just a couple weeks old. GNX totally shocked people, myself included, but I absolutely love it. This record served as the victory lap for Kendrick, even after the amount of embarrassment he caused Drake in 2024. It’s a good thing that I waited so long to post this, too, because I’ve spent a lot of time with this album, so I’ve been able to let it simmer more. I put it lower on my list for the same reason I have Out Of/Into’s debut at ten, because I didn’t spend a lot of time with it, yet I do quite love it, but I’ve been listening to this religiously. Songs like “Luther” and “Blue Dodger” absolutely rule, and I can’t get enough of how fun this album is.

1: Linkin Park - From Zero

My favorite album of the year is something I never thought would happen. Well, two things, actually: Linkin Park getting back together with a new singer, and said comeback album being something I truly connected with. Linkin Park announced a reunion seven years after Chester Bennington passed, as well as a new album, entitled From Zero. The name represents two things: their name before they became Linkin Park, and the fact they were starting from zero. With new singer Emily Armstrong, of Dead Sara, the band dropped From Zero, and this album is a master class in how to move forward while also honoring your past, and this is the album that truly got me into Linkin Park.

I never quite got into the band growing up, and over the past decade, I’ve struggled to really get a grasp on them, but listening to this and their whole discography showed me that I quite respect and love this band (some albums more than others, but I respect their experimentation). This is the cream of the crop, though, and I absolutely love it. From the razor sharp hooks, the dual vocals that work so well together, and the lyrics that are broad yet relatable enough to get into, and the diverse sound that pulls from a lot of their albums, including Mike Shinoda’s debut solo album as himself from 2018, it just all works so well. It’s also a tight 32 minutes, so it’s such a short listen, and because of that, I want to keep listening to it over and over again.

Worst Of The Year

Something different that I wanted to do this year, and it’s something I haven’t done in maybe a decade, which is a worst of list. I like highlight the good music that came out, but bad music is out there, too. Just like with the best of list, this is personal. Out of everything I listened to this year, these albums were the worst. If you love them, great, but don’t whine to me about it. These albums aren’t good, and whining about how much you love them won’t change my mind. I got a few honorable mentions to kick things off, because I wanted to have a top ten (plus one honorable mention) but I still wanted to highlight a few other albums, starting with…

Honorable Mention: Kerry King - From Hell I Rise

Earlier this year, Kerry King put out his debut solo album, From Hell I Rise, and I enjoyed it for what it was. It was a solid, albeit generic, thrash album with some pedigree behind it. Having former and current members of Slayer, Vio-Lence, and Death Angel is impressive, but at the same time, it didn’t amount to much to when Kerry King wrote the songs. King is a decent guitar player, but this sounds like the last few Slayer albums after Jeff Hanneman passed away.

If I liked this album when it came out, why is here now? Well, in a lot of cases, I end up going back to stuff more and more, but I’ve gone back to this album less and less, although I wouldn’t say this album is bad, per se. It’s just generic and bland, especially when I can get better thrash elsewhere. I really liked it when it came out, but the more I thought about this album throughout the year, the less I was enthusiastic about it, so I wanted to put it as a late honorable mention on the list, versus actively putting it on there, because I don’t think this album is that bad, but it’s really forgettable.

Bastardane - Catatonic Symphony

Bastardane is the brainchild of James Hetfield’s son, and these guys have a pretty cool sound, but this album just isn’t it. Their debut was pretty rough around the edges, but it was an interesting mix of sludge metal and thrash metal, although it was nothing special. It was fine for what it was, but Catatonic Symphony is way too long with no sense of focus or direction, and it just doesn’t sound good. Maybe third time’s the charm, but this album left a bad taste in my mouth.

Capstan - The Mosasic

You can copy and paste the same thing with the new Capstan album, The Mosaic, because this record is a huge mess, as well as being way too long. The difference is, however, I really enjoyed their last album. It was a cool mix between pop-punk, math-rock, and post-hardcore. This album, however, really tries to force in a lot of other sounds that aren’t needed. It has a few cool moments, but there are some genuinely baffling and awful choices on this thing.

Cassadee Pope - Hereditary

Singer Cassadee Pope is a pretty good singer, all things considered, but her first rock album since her time in Hey Monday with the late 00s, Hereditary, just isn’t good. Truthfully, this album isn’t the worst of the year, but it sounds so lazily put together, haphazard, and boring, I just didn’t like it. I wish it was better, and a few songs are kind of interesting, but it sounds so uninspired, this record felt like it was put together by AI.

Okay, onto the list proper, and this is gonna get bad, so if you need to take a break or step away, be my guest. These are the worst albums I’ve heard all year, starting with…

Kittie - Fire

The biggest crime of Fire, which is the comeback Kittie album (their first in 13 years), is that it’s so boring, bland, and forgettable, it has no reason to exist. That sounds harsh, but they didn’t update or modernize their sound whatsoever. It’s straight out of 2004, but in a really bad way that makes me question why I even listened to this in the first place.

Powerflo - Gorilla Warfare

This is the newest album on the list, as it just came out within the last month, but Powerflo is a supergroup with some prominent guys from 90s and 00s rap-metal bands, including Downset, Fear Factory, and Biohazard, as well as a member of Cypress Hill. The pedigree is there, but the quality is not. This is their second album, and while listening to this, I kept wondering why this was made. This is super generic rap-metal, first off, but the lyrics and vocals are some of the worst I’ve heard all year. There are a few cool songs, which keeps it from being higher, but this album was so painful to listen to.

Katy Perry - 143

Katy Perry’s had a nosedive of a career falloff within the last handful of years, especially with her last couple of albums not doing the same numbers her first few did, but 143 is such a massive misfire. This album is another AI-generated album, but it’s so bland, forgettable, boring, and lackluster that it kind of hurt to listen to. Not to mention, there’s a painful “feminist” track on this album that sounds like it’s both ten years too late and trying so hard to pander to women. If anything, this record shows how she’s fallen out of public favor.

Jax - Dear Joe,

Remember that insufferable song with the lyric “I know Victoria’s Secret,” and it was about how men actually control the beauty industry, but it was by an artist named Jax. I forgot all about it until she dropped her debut album, and it’s some of the worst pop music I’ve ever heard. It isn’t the worst album I’ve heard all year, partially because what she talks about here is good, it’s how she talks about it that isn’t good. This is just some of the cringiest pop music I’ve ever heard, especially with how dated a lot of the songs immediately are for their Gen Z slang and meme references. If you needed an example, the album referenced the “hawk tuah” meme right when it first got popular.

Nothing More - Carnal

Nothing More is one of my most hated bands, both because they’re just not good, and because they’re a pretentious band that acts like they’re more interesting than what they are. Their new album, Carnal, exemplifies all their worst qualities, whether it’s throwing in stupid and pretentious samples of speeches that have nothing to do with the song or content, lyrics that are just as pretentious, or a sound that isn’t anything special, but they act like it’s super unique and innovative. Spoiler alert: it’s not. The first third of this album was cool, and it was slightly interesting, but the album devolved into a pretentious mess, and it completely lost me.

Skillet - Revolution

This is another one of the most recent albums on the list, but I hate Skillet. Even aside from frontman John Cooper becoming weirdly Christian and looking like a youth pastor trying to appeal to Gen Z, they’ve almost always been bad. Some of their early stuff is fine, but they’re just the epitome of bad hard rock. Revolution is the kind of album that has no reason for existing, as this thing is 35 minutes of hard rock that sounds like it’s from 2014. This thing sounds dated as all get out, complete with lyrics about revolutions and “rising up,” and generic riffs and choruses that all sound like stuff you’ve heard before. This album isn’t so much outright bad, as it is lazy, but that in turn makes it bad.

Hardy - Quit!!

Look, I liked Hardy’s last album, the overly long The Mockingbird & The Crow from 2023, but even then, I knew how ridiculous some of that was. I liked it, because it had some good hooks, and didn’t take itself too seriously, but Quit? Man, this thing is just awful, whether it’s from the title track that has Hardy complaining about how his haters told him to quit all those years ago, and he, well, won’t, to songs that are obnoxiously terrible and featuring Fred Durst, of all people. This album sucks, and I don’t know how his sound could get any worse, but here we are.

Eminem - The Death Of Slim Shady

Speaking of artists I hate, Eminem sucks, and let’s stop pretending that he’s still an influential and important rapper in 2024. He isn’t. The Death Of Slim Shady is a record that clearly wants to have his cake and eat it, too, by “killing” his most revered character but all the while revisiting and utilizing that shtick in the first place. What’s the point of killing that character when most of this album features him? There are also a lot of really awful, tone-deaf, mean-spirited, and unfunny bars that make fun of random kinds of people. Yeah, he makes fun of everyone, but he’s 50, so why? This album should have been “okay, boomer,” because Eminem’s age is really showing here.

Falling In Reverse - Popular Monster

If it isn’t Ronnie Radke, the metalcore wannabe Eminem (or Tom MacDonald, depending on who you ask), but I’m not surprised a new FIR album is on the list. Popular Monster isn’t even a proper album, because most of these songs are from the last five years, so he only put this out to appease his record label, and actually give them an album. Go figure, though, this thing sucks. It’s got everything you expect from new Falling In Reverse — awful white boy rapping, generic metalcore, lyrics about how misunderstood he is, as well as lyrics that are about “cancel culture” for some reason, because Radke has turned into a conservative mouthpiece in the last handful of years. This album is just bad, but who am I kidding? I knew that before the album even came out.

Aaron Lewis - The Hill

And Popular Monster isn’t the worst of the year, it’s Aaron Lewis’ new album, The Hill. I knew as soon as I heard this album that this would remain unchanged for the worst of the year. This album is a hilariously sad attempt at a country album from a guy that isn’t even from the south, but has been making bad country music for the past decade or so. Only now, he decided to move into the MAGA territory, and the lyrics on this record are as bigoted, racist, and xenophobic as ever. The music itself is just as bad, but it’s the lyrics that take the cake for me. This album is just pure trash in every sense of the word, especially for its blatant racist ideas and lyricism.

[watercoloredlie]

So I read Flight of Icarus and it wasn’t that bad.

I love that Eddie got his love for music from his mom. She sounded like a cool lady gone too soon. It’s cute that he shares her initials.

Al Munson can rot.

Wayne should be protected at all costs. I hate how people lump all the Munsons together when Al is the only real bad one. Wayne always had Eddie’s back and I love that.

Higgins can rot too. I hate that stereotype of the jocks getting away with bullying while their victims get in trouble.

Bev is cool for the most part. I didn’t mind the idea of Eddie also working at the Hideout.

It was cool to get a glimpse of another Hellfire campaign with Eddie as DM. Also kind of cool to get a glimpse of earlier versions of the characters we saw on the show.

Ronnie was cool. I can see why she and Eddie were compared to Robin and Steve. Love that Granny Ecker was cool with Eddie too. At least until he upset Ronnie. It was cool to see Ronnie not backing down to the bullies.

Paige. I expected her to be terrible given everyone’s reactions to her, but she really isn’t that bad. Eddie was his cute dorky self with her. I was surprised that she bailed him out after their argument though. It’s funny that people think Eddie was a virgin with no game. Man had Chrissy skipping up to his doorway. He had her smitten with him in the woods. But I digress.

Chrissy my love. She was so badass standing up for Gareth and Eddie. This book just made me love her more. I loved the flashback to the night of the talent show. She and Eddie were adorable.

Reefer Rick was pretty much just how I had headcanoned him.

Eddie meeting the Byers boys and protecting Will was awesome. I love that Will got the first invite to Hellfire. I wish Eddie knew how the boys didn’t want to play DnD with Will in season three. Oh he would have reamed them out.

I appreciate the Warners for being welcoming to Eddie. Props to Mr. Warner for calling Wayne a good guy. Sure, Eddie had to downplay stuff a bit, but it was nice to see a family like Paige’s not immediately brush off Eddie as no good.

Eddie deserved to live and to graduate. This book just made it clear how even more unfair it was that his storyline ended the way it did. There was a lot of foreshadowing to it in the book too.

It was also pretty cool to see Corroded Coffin band moments. I still think Dougie is the unnamed member of the band since they did say their rehearsal space was in his garage and that kind of does match up with what was shown in Season 4. Although he’s supposed to be a senior in the book so that doesn’t line up. I don’t really know if he is the unnamed band member or not.

Also unless I read wrong, did they really mess up Gareth’s wrist when he’s a drummer? Only to have Jason mess up his hand in season four? That was uncalled for. Leave Gare alone.

I appreciate how understanding Hop was with Eddie. I think deep down even he knew Eddie was a good kid for the most part.

Eddie’s LOTR monologues were just so Eddie lol. It was cool to see Ronnie try to help him with his studies though. Hurt to see him call the assigned reading for English bland, but I get it. There were some books we had to read for English that I didn’t like either.

It was a nice touch that they mentioned Eddie enjoying comics. Especially the Xmen ones since it kind of confirms he got the Hellfire Club name from the Xmen comics.

All in all, not a bad book. Third ST novel I read. Lucas on the Line was really good despite the descriptions of Eddie not really being accurate. Also read the Hopper book which was pretty good too.

[chicken-delight]

OK here is my voice to text two cents. Don’t think it’s gonna be as bad as we think. I think there’s some of you who just don’t like Timothy because he’s famous. And that’s OK. I don’t think he’s great. I think he’s OK. Hated him as Laurie in little women. But that’s besides the point. he is doing his best. I do think that they’re gonna make Joan a manic pixie dream girl who’s only in the movie for 30 minutes. Are we truly expecting it to be any other way? It’s Hollywood. I think this is all depending on the quality of the writing in the writing of the story. I don’t know anything about this director. But as long is it a genuinely good story about a person I’m ok. like that’s my main issue with like the doors movie for instance. Not only is it a false retelling it’s also a bad movie. And that’s the worst combo. That’s the worst crime. Anyways, don’t take it out on Timothy. He’s the pawn. He’s just a guy. and anyways, like no movies ever gonna capture the depth of Bob Dylan. I wish they would’ve picked well. I wish it could’ve either been like a from birth to now story even though they’d be missing a lot of things, but I do wish it were more about going electric but then what happened after not really the buildup because that’s just kind of boring. I don’t know I feel like the Woodstock. And like the Nashville period Is really more interesting than him putting on the electric guitar for the first time. Even though like you know culturally, this is a substantial thing. That people don’t know about people don’t appreciate. And maybe they’re using Timothy as kind of a gateway for the uncultured youth of today that’s supposed to be an air quotes to access. Or at least access the importance of putting poetry to rock ‘n’ roll music. Anyways, I’m losing my train of thought. I need to direct the movie about Bob and Sara and their kids in Woodstock on the trampoline. I’ll do it. I don’t even like movies. But I’ll do it. Someone hire me. Marty!!!! and I also want to say like. We can not like Timothy. And that’s OK. And a little bit of gatekeeping is OK too but just have your hearts open. Even if it’s just a crack open. We don’t want to be haters. I know there’s memes about being haters, but in reality everyone is a lover. And that’s just what I think. Open your heart. If it sucks. It sucks if it’s OK it’s OK. I don’t even wanna go there to say that if it’s good, it’s good. But you never know. Bob is something so personal to me. And I do kind of feel like people are stepping on the sacredness of my connection with Bob’s music by making a movie with you know some young heartthrob in it. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t still have my own relationship with the music. you know? And I will say like like in high school this is funny I did run a Timothée Chalamet fan Instagram account that was quite famous. OK well I didn’t run it. I ran it the girl who ran it and like got all the crazy number followers posted something like I need someone to admin and and it was me so I don’t wanna take all the credit but I used to do that. I thought he was cute. Sue me. I like again like I don’t mind him. I don’t think he’s awesome now but he’s just like whatever. And it’s just like funny for me because it was like right after I started doing that account that I started like really really listening to Bob Dylan. So it’s kind of just like a funny coincidence for me personally. OK I don’t really know where else I’m going with this OK bye

[periwinckles]

first semifinal of the Eurovision Song Contest is done! #spoilersahead

my favourites: Norway, Portugal and Czechia.

I actually went back and listened a second time for each one of these songs. They are the most memorable and the ones I would surely put into a playlist. I would be glad with either one winning.

all three of them sound very culturally unique, and I love it, I just love when you can guess which country is singing only based on the musicality of the song.

NORWAY- Queen of Kings

Norway is singing in English and I usually prefer when they sing in their own language, but it really works with the song. To me the song deserves a total of twelve points and I’m actually listening to it for the fifth time. Her voice is just awesome, the costumes are on point. Twelve points from me.

PORTUGAL - Aí coração

this is the most fun song of the whole semi final. Love the Mediterranean vibe, love the choreography. You can’t listen to this and stay still, and the choreography has some basic moves (head bobbing, the chest slaps, the clapping) that the audience can easily replicate it and that adds to the whole music experience. I’m only disappointed with ‘MiMicat’s vocals tonight. Her voice wasn’t on pitch at least a couple of times, and I get that it’s probably due to nervousness. The studio version is flawless. Other than that her last high note is fenomenal. 10 points from me.

CZECHIA- my sisters crown

oh those braids! I just love it! Love the song, even if I don’t understand what they are singing. Visually it works well, love the harmonies and the folk vibe. choreography is pretty good too. I kept expecting them to fall over their braids, but they were AWESOME. The only thing I wasn’t that convinced was when they sang all by themselves, I prefer the harmonies. They sing ok, but the voices weren’t awesome, and it showed when they sang alone. 10 points from me.

much ado about nothing: Sweden

seriously I don’t get it. Yeah, Loreen is a good singer, and she is somewhat memorable but the song is not that great and actually sounds pretty generic to me. I wouldn’t mind not listening to the song ever again. I’ll be disappointed if she wins.

I was sorry they didn’t pass to the finals: Ireland and Azerbaijan

[olderjodijournals]

Monday, October 2, 2000

Took some gorgeous sunrise pictures the other day. The sun was so reddish that it looked more like a sunset. It’s so cool how you can actually see the sun rising up over the horizon, unlike back east. It’s just not flat enough back east.

Anyway, I have a zillion things to catch up on. First of all, we got the big-screen TV, and I ordered a mural!! I never would’ve gotten the mural if Tom hadn’t accidentally gotten credit from Lowe’s Hardware. Let me go in order of events…

First of all, we’re both doubting Dan’s here. When Tom was coming home one day he saw the people a couple of properties ahead of Dan’s, that you can’t see from this house cuz of too much vegetation in the way (you could easily see 4 or 5 properties in Phoenix!), pull out in front of him, then turn into Dan’s. Well, as I’ve been saying, it’s been awfully quiet over there, not to mention the gate being open funny and the strange lighting patterns. Dan never leaves outside lights on overnight. He also guns his engines much more often, for more than a minute at a time, and he blasts music, too.

On the other hand, the people could’ve been going just to visit. Remember, these properties are huge. No one walks from property to property here. Even next door drove over here when they came to ask us about those stray dogs. I also thought I saw him in his standard white T and cap, but couldn’t swear to it cuz the person was so far away; around 500’ away.

Saturday morning we headed for Lowe’s first and got held up by creepers both ways. I just don’t get why the fuck everyone’s so afraid to drive the speed limit out here. We just can’t go anywhere without some creep holding us up! Anyway, I was really surprised Lowe’s had murals. I didn’t think they would. They didn’t have the water lamp.

Tom picked up some hooks for his pegboard, a blank faceplate for where the satellite connection used to be, and I picked out a decorative faceplate for the kitchen light switch. It’s a soft pastel-colored tulip design with pink, blue and yellow. After Tom dragged me around the store for what seemed like an eternity, we finally found the wallpaper section. The one I picked out is what I figured I pick – something tropical. A palm-treed beach scene. The only negative is that it’s close to 6’ wide and not 8’, so once it’s centered on the wall it’s going on, there’ll be a foot-and-a-half gap on either side. It’s 6’4” wide and 8’ tall. I’m going to have it come down from the ceiling. There’ll probably be about 2’ of space under it. We didn’t want it delivered to the house since people have such a hard time finding the place, so we’ll pick it up at Lowe’s in a couple of weeks. We got an awesome deal on the thing, too. I expected it’d cost around $80, but instead it was on sale for $45. Tom applied for a credit card with them, expecting to get rejected and expecting to get a watch they offer for applying, but to his surprise, he got accepted.

Later...

Although I still have a lot to write about, I took a break so I could get my workout out of the way, and watch a movie on the big TV. I also saw part of an old rerun of Little House on the Prairie, and was like – wow!

After we left Lowe’s, we went to Mary and Dave’s. We weren’t there long. We said hello to Mom, grabbed a soda to share, a cookie for me, and then loaded up the TV and file cabinet. Once we got home, Tom pulled the stairs away so that Dave could back the truck right up to the door. That made bringing in the TV much easier.

I wasn’t happy to find that while we were out, Jehovah’s Witnesses had stopped by. You mean to tell me that out here, where people live on 10-acre ranches, religious fanatics badger people? Great. All the more reason to appreciate the exterior fence with the no-trespassing signs it’ll have once we get them up in God knows how many years. I want it to be a real bitch for anyone to come to the door. I want them to have to get out of their car and then to have to climb over a barbed-wire fence if they want to come to these doors that bad.

Anyway, Mary and Dave didn’t stay long. I showed them my office since Tom and I swapped desks, gave them cans of soda for the road, then off they went.

So, we’ve gone from a 19” TV to a 25” TV and now to a 46” TV! I can’t believe someone just gave us this TV, and that Lowe’s had murals! We are going to be so compensated for this! I tremble just thinking about it! No one gives us something for nothing in God’s eyes, not that we’ve never given them anything or that Tom hasn’t done anything for them. Still, what’s acceptable for others isn’t always acceptable for us. Meaning that it may be OK in God’s eyes for some people to do 50% for someone who’s done them 100%, but we’re expected to do 150% for those who do us 100%.

The TV screen doesn’t feel like glass like regular TVs do, cuz it’s literally a TV screen. It’s a type of vinyl material with tiny grooves that the picture projects onto. If you get too far toward the sides of it, the picture gets darker and harder to see.

Anyway, it’s awesome, and so is its sound. It sounds almost as good as the speakers that we always had hooked to our other TVs, so when I want to play the 70s and 80s music stations, I get great sound. This is the kind of TV apartment tenants would love to have to sic on other tenants. Especially in a culture that believes music is something to be shared. People in houses would love it, too. Primarily where the houses were just a few feet apart. You can really open the windows and let the sound out!

It was so nice to finally go out together someplace other than to courts, dentists, therapists and shit like that. It was so nice to go out simply to have fun and get something fun for us.

So, going from room to room, I still have the blue card table and the walker stored in the retreat, along with a big stuffed animal, and a couple of other little odds and ends. All I have on those walls are a couple of small cactus pictures I printed/framed. The small shelves that were in my office holding my box, one of the stereo speakers, and a doll or two, are now in the bedroom by his side of the bed. It’s got dolls and books on it for the most part. As for wall changes in there, I took down the Indian picture that was by my side of the bed and centered it over my desk in the office. It looks great there. Its brown frame goes well with the brown desk. I only have 5 things in the bedroom, and boy does it look great in there. I have the pastel ballerina picture on his side of the bed over the shelves and another cute pastel picture of a little girl and boy on a beach on my side of the bed. They go well together. Over the bed is a long picture of cute puppies and flowers. Towards the front of the room, closer to the dresser than the bed, I have a brown shelf on the wall outside the closet, and a fancy mask opposite that by the bathroom door.

In the living room, just inside the front door to the right, is that large picture of a field of purple flowers with mountains in the background. To the left of the door and to the left of the windows, is that picture I printed out of bunnies. This is also where we put the 25” TV (I guess the 19” will go in his office). To the right of the windows is a contemporary drawing of a woman’s face, then I put my 3 black plastic musical notes on the wall behind the mice, each one higher than the other, following the rising slant of the ceiling. The mural is going to go straight across from the front door where the rats are, and to go with it, I put a long tropical picture on the wall to the right of it. The musical notes used to be to the right of the back door, but now there’s a mirror there. I took down the piano picture that was to the left of this door and put up a tiger picture (the piano picture not only broke out of its frame, but it isn’t even wrapped in plastic like my other frameless pictures are). The tigers had been in the den where the big TV is now. Because it’s nearly as tall as I am, I don’t have anything in the center there behind it, but to the left of the TV, to balance off with our wedding picture to the right, I put a cactus picture up. The loveseat is now where the entertainment center used to be, and this is where that long tropical picture was. I put my pink floral tree next to the loveseat, and my blue-feathered dream catcher above the loveseat. The couch, chair and tables have remained where they were. Nothing to change in the guest room either, but my office is where the entertainment center now is. It looks better than I thought it would, and black goes better with the brown than the whitewash. We basically have brown in the guest room, brown and black in my office, black with gold accents in the den and dining area, whitewash in the kitchen, baths and bedroom, and nothing in particular in the retreat, living room and his office. Well, perhaps you could say the living room’s brown and black. The mice’s tables and the TV stand are brown, and the Bowflex is black. So are the bars of the rat’s cage.

Some rooms have taken on themes. Dolls are the definite theme of my office and the bedroom, and flowers are the main theme in the kitchen and den. The rest of the rooms have a mix of things. As I teasingly told Tom, the theme in his office is junk! Although, he’s been surprisingly low on the clutter in there lately.

Later...

I took a piece of material that I don’t plan to use and put it in the corner behind the rat’s cage. Houdini loves to play in the pile of material, and he loves to play with me too, when I shake it around. I slip my hand under it and wiggle the material around and he dives into it like a puppy. He dives under its folds and I poke at him and he tries to get me through the material. It’s so cute. It’s so cool having animals that play with you besides with each other and by themselves. Just like yesterday when he was waiting for me at the side of the cage when I got up. However, unlike yesterday, he came out on his own to play shortly after I got up. He doesn’t usually come out on weekends when Tom’s home all the time. I have to sort of coax him out when he’s home and not in bed.

I decided to make my wake-up time 7:00 for a while. That way I’ll be more available to play freeloader and deal with courts and probation officers when I’m forced to.

Yesterday morning we bombed. We weren’t going to bomb for another month but we found a good deal on bombs at Lowe’s so we decided to go ahead and do it. With this one, we only needed to be out for two hours. We went to Circle K. As always, cleaning up afterward was a bitch. I had to square away the animals, run many loads through the dishwasher, then do the laundry and wipe down countertops.

We ended up screwing yesterday for the first time in what? A month? I asked him why now, and he said it had to do with Mary. Because he’s in a situation he’s never been in before, he had to sit and sort through his thoughts/feelings in his mind and ask himself what his responsibilities should be. I think his just being there for them and doing what he can possibly do to help is taking enough responsibility. Meanwhile, Mary and Dave aren’t his “responsibility,” so to speak. Nonetheless, this is all well and good, and I understand how depressed and worried he is over Mary, but there’s always something eating at him, preventing us from getting together, making sure we have little bursts of sex, and confusing the hell out of me. Just when I think we’re settling into a platonic relationship, he decides he misses me, as he put it. Again, I understand this thing with Mary, but I also feel that he’s using life’s BS, whether it’s a new problem or not, as an excuse. It’s a tool he uses to avoid regular sex. But I don’t want regular sex. We don’t have to screw every week, but when more than two weeks go by, I don’t know what to think.

Anyway, this discussion led to our 7-year argument over a kid. He still swears that he’s not controlling me from having a kid. No, that’s God’s department. But a guy who refuses to let his cum enter a woman is just as controlling. A guy who refuses to let his cum enter a woman is afraid of her conceiving and is making sure that that doesn’t happen, whether she wants a kid or not. I could’ve kicked myself for letting the argument start, though. What did I think it was going to change? He’ll never give me normal, satisfying, fulfilling sex, sterile or not. He’s been the way he is for 7 years, and he’ll be the way he is for another 7, and another 7, and another 7…

Sex still hurts. I’m 100% sure this pain is a permanent thing that’ll never go away. Why has God always been so damn determined to curse me sexually? First I’m humiliated with freaky sex, and now it has to hurt, too?!

Tom’s been asking himself questions like, what if Mary’s treatment turns out to be a big deal and her cancer keeps reoccurring? What if she dies? I asked him, wouldn’t his Mom come to live with us if she died? He said not if I didn’t think I could handle it. I asked him if he thought I could handle it and he said yes. Because his actions have made me believe he doesn’t think I could handle a kid, and because God’s actions and plans for me certainly made me believe I couldn’t handle the responsibility of taking care of anyone, young or old, I lost faith in myself. So, later on I asked myself to set aside what God’s obvious opinion is of my abilities and what Tom says he thinks, and ask myself – do I think I can handle caring for his mother?

Yes. But only because I can now keep a schedule. If I still couldn’t keep a schedule, I’d have to say no.

Mary’s attitude about what’s going on with her never ceases to amaze me. She’s taking it so well! I can’t observe her 24/7, but she sure seems to be handling it a lot better than I ever could. I’d be pissed and scared, running around muttering – why me, why me? Maybe that’s why I haven’t had any health problems lately; because God only gives us what we can handle. Well, some of us, anyway. On the other hand, I could barely handle that vicious cycle of asthma attacks. I even contemplated suicide cuz it was so bad. When you can’t breathe, you tend to feel and think that way. I wonder how many times my health will compensate for itself. Meaning, this being healthy like I have been is no doubt compensation for the shitty health I was in from the late 80s to the early 90s, but will I get hit with problems later on down the road for this time of healthfulness?

Tuesday, October 3, 2000

There are a lot of things that Tom’s better at than I am, but making pancakes isn’t one of them. He trashed the kitchen making the damn things. But I, who can’t keep her paws off the stuff he buys that I don’t put on the list, and that’s usually not very healthy, make them without making such a mess. I cook them well too, and make them all about the same size.

I’m psyched to say that I finally heard from Paula! Tom brought a letter home from her yesterday, which had her new phone number in it. This was the longest letter she ever wrote, too. Her grammar is not great, but she spells pretty well. I dig how she started off: Dear Jodi – best friend.

She’s been in the same apartment in Chicopee for a record-breaking year and says she’s still waiting for Section 8 or some kind of housing.

I was right about suspecting she lost my number, but I gave it to her when we talked. She asked me once again to try to find a couple of guys online, but I let her know we were ditching the Internet.

I was surprised when she asked - how did you get in all that mess? What happened? What charges did you get? I was like – aren’t you reading my mail? She said she got confused by all the abbreviations I use in her letters, so I let her know I wouldn’t use initials and abbreviations anymore.

She contradicted herself a handful of times. Not intentionally or cuz she just doesn’t care what she tells people which is the case with most people, but just because this is the way Paula is – unable to focus. She said on the phone that she just started a computer training course, yet in her letter, she said she wasn’t going for that till November. She also said there’s no man in her life now. Just that black cop John. Yeah, and I haven’t eaten anything today. Just a sandwich, some soup, some pancakes, and popcorn!

She said she got a computer, but no Internet or printer. Soon she’ll send pictures.

Any CDs I don’t want, send to her. Also, she’ll send me some money to make her tapes of rap music. I told her not to bother sending money and that I’d make her tapes off the satellite. They have a rap channel. I made a tape up already and will send one at a time. That way I can use regular envelopes. She said she likes soul music too, but there’s no soul station. She said she has 5 dolls sitting in her closet. I let her know I’d gladly give them a home if it’d be OK with her.

She said her friend is in prison for 3 years. He’s in for drugs.

She asked how my diet is going and says hers is going well. Then why is she up to 170? The last time we talked, she said she was around 150.

On November 14th she’ll be having surgery for stomach adhesions.

I also talked to her son Justin who’s now 9 years old. We mostly talked about his coin collection. He asked me to send pictures of tarantulas and diamondbacks, and I assured him I would as soon as I could get shots of them. I enclosed his own letter, along with one for Paula, in the envelope containing the first rap tape.

Later...

Tom’s home now, eating the chili mac I made him before he got in.

I had begun typing him a note before he got in, letting him know that I don’t want to screw till after the 30th due to the doubled predictability involved. It’s predictable enough to know he wouldn’t cum (which puts a damper on my cumming) even if we were rich and had nothing going on, but another to really know it with all we have going on, cuz sterile or not, we have to take responsibility and make sure that he doesn’t cum, like it or not, as long as we don’t know if I’m going to jail, and as long as we’re broke and don’t know what’s going on with Mary. I don’t like the 2-minute quickies with all its limitations and restrictions. I want to wait until we can let our guards down and not have to be so cautious. After we take care of Mom, Mary, the courts, and get a little more stable financially, then we can screw, unless he insists we keep up on it anyway. I told him, If I don’t hear any protests from you, I’ll assume you’re OK with this plan, and remember, I can get you just as hard by hand as I can with my crotch, so if that’s all you need anyway, then feel free to ask me for handjobs along the way. For a while, I was comfortable with our routine, but for now, I can’t screw when each session feels so planned, mapped out and predictable. I need a little more spontaneity, surprise and variety.

Wednesday, October 4, 2000

Well, I did get a little surprise, after all. I expected Tom to be OK with my wanting to put a hold on sex, but nope. He objects, he said, unless I absolutely insist on waiting. But why? If all he wants to do is get hard, I can see to that by hand. Maybe he objected cuz he knows I don’t want to do it. He does, after all, seem more driven by the things that I’m not interested in, or that turn me off altogether. So, I guess some Sundays, for the rest of my life, are going to be very boring and very predictable. Yes, we certainly have much more fun out of bed than in it. That’s my opinion, anyway. At least he has a good time in bed. In fact, so good of a time that he’s willing to sacrifice any pleasure with me just to keep his stubborn attitude and to bore me to death. Sometimes I wonder – should I start expressing pleasure in bed? Will that make him want to veer the opposite way; if he thinks I like things the way they are? Then again, what opposite way can we go? He doesn’t like having sex during the week and is usually too tired to do so, we can’t do many different positions, and the guy’s old-fashioned and unimaginative. He’s also afraid to cum and shouldn’t be made to do anything he doesn’t feel comfortable doing. Like I said, I know we’ll never have a kid and that’s not the issue anymore, whether I’m sterile or not. The issue is the lack of honesty on his part. His failure to face and admit his fears is the issue. After hoping for so many years that he’d one day come out and say – You were right. I was afraid to cum regularly cuz I was afraid of a kid. I just didn’t want the expense and hassle. I’m sorry I wasn’t upfront from the beginning. Especially with how badly you once wanted one. However, with each year that passes with no change whatsoever, and with a confession from him, I realize it’s never going to come. Thirty years from now he’ll still be saying it was out of his hands, but that he did want a kid (even though he happened to never do anything to achieve that), and that he didn’t control me.

Well, in the end, we don’t have to have a kid. I’m fine without that. I may wonder about it from time to time since it’s an experience I’ll never have, but we don’t have to have a kid and he doesn’t have to cum, even if it’d make me feel like cumming too, and turn me on more to know I pleased him and that he is without fear. I just think it’s rather sad that I’ll never hear the full truth from his mouth, but only from his actions.

No, I don’t bother praying to God for help. In fact, I haven’t prayed to him for years now. That’s because I know he doesn’t give a damn and that there’s no help from him. He obviously wants things to be the way they are as much as Tom does or else he wouldn’t have let this shit go on for 7 years. He’d have done something to give Tom the strength and motivation to change, or to at least own up to the truth. Or maybe he wouldn’t have let Tom be the way he is in the first place. Remember, it was me that made him the way he is. He was never cumless with anyone else. I’m the one who brought the sexual curse into this relationship, even if he’s the one with the fears. Not that I never had my own fears about a kid. It’s just that I wouldn’t have let them stand in my way if I had had some say in the matter. I’m not alone as far as him being afraid to have a kid for various reasons. Most women deal with resistant boyfriends/husbands when it comes to that. The difference is that their men still cum, so sometimes they can get tricked into parenthood by the woman who may insist she took her birth control when she really didn’t. Well, this one’s so scared I couldn’t trick him if I wanted to. He keeps his equipment under strict lock and key and would never dare take chances with it. I still can’t figure out why he did take those chances the dozen or so times he did. What gave him the burst of courage to do so? What made him so daring and brave back then? We had even more shit going on than we do now, believe it or not, and we weren’t much richer.

I don’t pray to God for anything at all. If someone busted in here and held me at gunpoint, God’s the last one I’d be pleading with for mercy. For I would know that if God wanted me unharmed, he would never have sent someone to hold me at gunpoint in the first place.

I thought of another thing that Paula said that has me confused. She acted all surprised that I had to spend the night in jail. Well, if she read my letters, wouldn’t she remember and know that I spent the night in jail? Could any of my letters have gotten lost?

Later...

Tom’s home now. I had him get new scent cartridges. Instead of that way-too-strong and perfumey flowery oil, I had him get vanilla. Vanilla, Country Garden, and strawberry are the best. I took the oil out of its warmer and placed it in the closet. I only have the cartridges in my office and the bedroom. Just in rooms that are “real” rooms. I don’t have anything going in the open part except for the air cleaner.

It may only be the 4th, but I wonder, should I call Don if he doesn’t call me by the 30th?

Somehow I doubt I’ll get that lucky. He’ll call. I’m sure he’ll call. Like I said, something up there really wants me to pay for this. For a lousy letter and phone call. How can people harass their neighbors for years and not expect there to be some kind of consequence? And just what is something up there doing to them for what they did wrong to us?

Nothing. Nothing at all. How stupid of me to even ask, huh? I could be murdered and my murderer would never see justice done to them. They’d probably never get caught, but if they did, they’d get off on some stupid technicality, or they wouldn’t do much time. It’s OK to wrong Jodi S. It’s very OK. God made that clear to me just by the parents he had me born to.

Anyway, no I won’t call Don. I called him and he said he’d call me back, so it wouldn’t be my fault if he didn’t, but like I said, he’ll be calling.

Thursday, October 5, 2000

Paula said she thinks she has a big butt. She said she’s got a “Mexican” butt. Well, I’ve still got quite a bubble butt of my own, and I’m definitely set for life at 115 pounds unless I either starve or quit working out. Or become deathly ill, for that matter.

I asked her if she pled guilty (to beating up that girl and slugging a cop). She said she did, cuz not pleading guilty would’ve made things worse. Yeah, they bribed her too, and gave her ultimatums. I forgot to ask her if she had to pay any court fees, but she did tell me that she was in jail for 30 days and on probation for a year. She also had community service. She worked on the highway in a chain gang when she was in jail. She worked in churches and sorting clothes at the Salvation Army. One thing I can tell you for damn sure and that’s that no law’s gonna make me work in a church full of narrow-minded, delusional fools. I also forgot to ask her if they made her see a therapist. Somehow I doubt it. Only I get made to see therapists. Only I’m crazy. Me and maybe sex abusers have to see therapists. Anyway, Paula says she’s been behaving. That’s good. She doesn’t need to get in any more trouble any more than I do.

The phone company fucked with us the other night when we were reporting to Mary to let her know how well the TV worked. It went dead, and it took several minutes before it came alive again. Cybertrails will be gone this week, then we’ll be getting a free service, but that’s not unlimited. We pay a set fee for unlimited service now, but with this service we’re going to get, it’ll be free unless we use it cuz they don’t have a local number. It’ll be like making a long-distance call. Anyway, we won’t use it for fun, just if we need to. It’ll be nice to have so that if we need to look up directions to a particular place, for example, we can. Especially since we never got any Phonebooks out here.

When I got up this morning, I turned off the AC and opened the windows for about an hour and a half. It was sooo nice. So nice to smell the outdoors, to hear nothing but peace and quiet, and to see nothing but nature. I could see nothing, as I lay on my side in bed drinking my coffee and gazing out the window, but sky, trees, shrubs, and the earth itself. No driveways, roads or pavement of any kind. No people, houses, cars, balls bouncing, barking, screaming, sirens, music, etc.

The possibility of having to go to jail was eating at me last night, and Tom said to try not to let it worry me, and that Don’s not calling me back right away is a good sign. It is? I didn’t think to ask him why, so I’ll ask him when he gets in. I just thank God they didn’t go after him for this shit. Better for it to me that has to deal with this shit if one of us must do so, cuz I’ve already got a record and he doesn’t. Also, if worse came to worse in this very unfair world and one of us had to go to jail, better for it to be me. He can get by without me, but out here in the boonies, I’d be completely stranded.

He hasn’t decided yet on exactly when to take time off. That’s gonna depend on what goes on with Mary, I guess, to whom I gave the second probation department envelope. I figured now was a better time to ask her for that character reference, even if it did me no good in the end. Anyway, I have mixed emotions about his basing his time off on what goes on in Mary’s household rather than in his own. I want him to take time off for us, the people that live here, and not so he can cater to Mom and Mary, but on the other hand, we owe them. Sort of anyway. They’ve done so much for us, I’d love to have Mom visit, and besides, what else could we do being this broke? It’s not like we could spend his vacation time, which can be anytime before the year is out, shopping, gambling or flying to Vegas. He says his Mom would feel better staying here if he were here so she doesn’t have to worry if she falls or anything like that. I don’t know. He says she wouldn’t be bringing it up if she weren’t serious, but I still get the feeling that she wouldn’t feel comfortable staying here, whether or not he’s on vacation. I know she doesn’t hate me, or else she wouldn’t have given me material and other things, but I get the feeling she might feel uncomfortable around me. You know how a lot of people feel that way with hyper, outspoken people like myself.

Later...

As I remember bits and pieces of our chat, another “discrepancy” comes to mind. Paula said she thought my computer or printer must’ve broken for me to be sending some hand-written letters, yet if she had really read my letters, she’d know the real reason for the hand-written letters. I think she does read them. I think she’s just so damn air-headed, that she can’t remember half the things she reads/hears/sees.

She got contradictory on me in regard to the bad vibes I had about Justin. First she said it wasn’t going to happen cuz she told him about it, then she admitted to his getting in trouble in school, then said that whatever happens, happens.

Either way, it’s too late for him. She’s already damaged him and planted the vicious seed that’s destined to be as God shall see fit. His fate is sealed.

Friday, October 6, 2000

Tom’s going to stop at his Mom’s after work before doing the grocery shopping. He meant to see her yesterday but had to do a tour at work that ran a little late. He said she mentioned giving us some money. I guess she wants to give us a little for all the flat tires and shit like that we’ve had. It won’t be much, though. Probably just $20, but it’s something.

Tom said that Don’s not in a hurry to call me back no doubt cuz he liked my answers given in the interview and isn’t worried about me being such a problem that needs jailing. Well, that’s all well and good, but how much am I gonna be forced to pay the courts monthly? And worse of all, how much do I have to be totally degraded into paying the freeloaders directly?

Tom says to try not to let the possibility of jail get to me, but sometimes that’s easier said than done. On the one hand, my logic says I should never get sent to jail for this, but life’s so unfair. People do get jailed for the wrong reasons and people do go free for the wrong reasons, too. Just because I shouldn’t go to jail for this, doesn’t mean I won’t. And just because I don’t have any vibes saying I’ll have to go to jail, doesn’t mean it’s not just wishful thinking that’s blocking out any negative vibes about a pending jail sentence. No one wants to “see” or “sense” that they’re going to jail, and therefore, I may not be able to see or sense it if it is fated to be. I just want this sick bitch out of my life! How many years have I been saying that now?

I sometimes wonder if I should take the new, stricter laws and use them to my advantage and drag them through the mud right along with me. I’m white, and I don’t have letters with their fingerprints or tapes with their voices on them so I couldn’t get them arrested or brought to court, but I could put them through the hassles of questioning. All I’d have to do is insist they did whatever to me, like swear they drove by here making threats or something like that, and they’ll at least pick them up. I’d hope so, anyway! But, I don’t think I want to lower myself to their level just because I’m pissed at them, which is exactly what she and the Mexicans did; they got pissed at what I had to say about them, couldn’t handle it, and went running to the piggies. They were never scared. They were Pissed with a capital P. So pissed that they weren’t afraid to implicate themselves in doing so. They weren’t afraid to look bad or incriminate themselves to get at me.

The land looks pretty dull right now. Actually, some of it’s kind of shabby looking with those damn wheat-colored weeds with the stickers. They go away in the summer, making the land look a little better, but this place certainly needs saguaros, prickly pears, queen palms, and whatever else. We talked about planting a bougainvillea and a bird of paradise bush and letting them grow wild. We had to trim the ones we had in Phoenix, but not here!

At night, when the moonlight is out, the moonlight almost gives off the illusion of there being a light dusting of snow on the ground with the way it illuminates the sandy dirt and the light-colored weeds.

Saturday, October 7, 2000

Tom was right – the strips do pop off the wall easily enough, and without destroying the wall. Someday, when we go to repaint, we’ll pop off all the strips. I hate them, anyway. They totally interfere with my decorating. Anyway, he popped the two strips that were where the mural is going, then spackled the gap. Once that dries, he’ll sand it, then the wall will be all prepped and ready for the mural. The mural’s not ready to be picked up yet, and I assume they would’ve notified us already if it had to be back-ordered.

I saw a show on the learning channel that would’ve bored me to tears when I was younger. Now, however, I find these things interesting; fossilized animal remains from thousands, even millions of years ago.

No predictable, boring, cumless quickie today because today is Saturday. I would bet my dolls on us screwing tomorrow, our usual sex day, if it weren’t for the long weekend. I think we’ll end up screwing Monday, though, if we get together at all this weekend seeing that we just got together last weekend, cuz he tends to put that off till the end of the weekend. In this case, the end of the weekend, when he starts to tire down and unwind, will be Monday afternoon.

Later...

I can’t draw anymore. I just can’t draw anymore! Why? Is it just another compensation for being here? It’s a worthy tradeoff if that’s what it is, but I wonder – is that really it?

We were talking about foods his mother would like while she’s with us next weekend. Yes, she’s actually going to stay with us next weekend! Then any other time she may need to during Mary’s treatment, depending on how sick she gets. It’s going to be about 6 months before Mary’s treatment is done, and who knows how often this thing will reoccur? Anyway, Tom said Mom would like to have at least one meal a day where we all sat down at the table (preferably without Tom making those disgusting sounds he makes when he eats) cuz Mary and Dave don’t do that. They run out for fast food and bring it home to eat in front of the TV. They don’t clean and they don’t cook. It’s a good thing I can’t lose any more weight and that I’m now in the maintain state, cuz I could certainly never lose weight with all the extra foods that’ll be around. I just don’t have the willpower I once had.

When I asked Tom why he thought I had an easier time saying no to food in the past than I do now, he said it was cuz I had more to rebel against back then. True. Very true. But I still have enough to rebel against now – freeloaders, cops, courts, and I still feel controlled by him in bed and I don’t care what he says. But that doesn’t mean I’d feel controlled by him if he had ear surgery like I had, for example, and I had to help him with that. That wouldn’t be his fault. So, having dirty clothes to wash may not make me feel “controlled,” but being told what to do and where to go does make me feel controlled. What’s happened with these cops and courts thanks to these freeloaders, has totally made me feel like a kid all over again with no say in the matter whatsoever. Well, let me tell you – I’m sick and tired of being told what to do, and if that’s being rebellious, then so be it.

Sunday, October 8, 2000

October 30th is getting closer and the stress is mounting yet again. If God has any mercy on me whatsoever, he’ll make sure this is the last court date. I can’t take this every few months. I just can’t take this anymore! I go home from jails or courts, slowly get on with my life, then the stress and anxiety slowly eats at me little by little as the next court date draws closer and these sick fucks are thrust upon me and my life all over again. Uuuggghhh!!!

Tom noticed I was stressing earlier and said it sometimes helps to talk. No thanks, I told him. I don’t want to argue, which is what we often seem to do when it comes to these blacks, and of course, the Mexicans, too. They’ve come between us enough, thank you. Besides, I’ve got Helen now and it’s her job to listen to me talk to her. It’s not Tom’s place anymore. I don’t want him to have to listen to me bitch about anything, whether we agree on it or argue about it or not.

I find myself not so much missing Andy, but wondering about him. I still feel I did the right thing by cutting him loose. We just had less and less in common as time went on and I got tired of his coming over only when he wanted a button sewn or to browse the net. He became quite the pest, along with his never-ending rebellious attitude towards my simple little requests, and as Tom pointed out, he wouldn’t have been able to come out here anyway. Maybe once every year or two. It just would’ve been too hard on him and his car. And it would’ve been so hard for him to restrain himself from the long-distance calls, too. Nonetheless, and although this is quite impossible, I sometimes wish I could talk to him once a year, but I’d never want to resume regular contact with him. That I don’t miss. Just to know what he’s been up to on a yearly basis would be nice enough. However, what could he tell me? The same thing year after year? Sadly enough, I’m afraid so. I think he’s peaked in life just like I have at this point. I’m sure that although it’s been just over a year since we talked, he’s still doing the same things – getting fired, getting high, hanging out with losers, living on the phone, stuffing his face, and dreaming of Mr. Right, who by most people’s standards, is really Mr. Wrong. Mr. Very Wrong.

Monday, October 9, 2000

It’s beautiful out right now at only 71° and I have some windows open to let in the nice breeze. They say it might get down as low as 50° in the next few nights. I knew it would be chilly enough in here by early morning, once I saw that it was already down to 68° by 10:00 last night. When I got up it was down to 76° in here, and I usually like it to be 80°-81°.

Today we’re going out at noon to bring his Mom to get her stitches out. Well, he’s going to take her to get them out. I’m gonna hang out at the house and play on the computer. Mary and Dave have to work today.

Tuesday, October 10, 2000

Went into the city yesterday as planned. At least we made it one way without getting held up. On the way back, we went through Lavene and got slowed by a creeper, but we cruised right into the city the airport way. I like going by Sky Harbor Airport and seeing the planes fly over the freeway. I can sometimes see them land too, if the angle and timing are just right and there are no trucks blocking my view.

No one was there when we got in, and Tom hung out with me for nearly an hour before he left. Other than the dog barking out back, the obnoxious parakeets, and the stench of dog piss, it was quiet. Of course it was quiet; I don’t live there.

Dave stopped in for a quick lunch after we arrived and he left right after Tom left to get Mom at daycare and take her to get her stitches out. While I was alone I played solitaire on the computer, cuz I couldn’t find their tiles game on either computer. I also left Mary a surprise document in her word processor. Just a few sentences saying hi, guess who this is, etc.

I chatted with Mom when she got in while Tom checked their computer network, then we left. She gave us 10:00, which we spent on junk at Circle K, and her suitcase and toilet thing. The toilet thing raises her up cuz she can’t bend her knees well. Guess she must be anxious to visit since she’s already packed.

I also just had to get a little bit of a flow when we screwed and went out. I had cramps on the way into the city, so I swallowed some ibuprofen without water in the car, so I wouldn’t have to wait longer. But why does it always have to happen when we screw or go out? Last time it was when I went to Helen’s that I had to flow. Before that, it was during sex and then in July, it was jail. I don’t have sex that often nor do I go out that often, so can’t I ever rag when I’m home and not having sex?! Besides, how can I hide my flows from him, however wimpy they may be, when he gets blood on himself and the sheets? Does something up there want him to know when I’m flowing? Well, I’d prefer that he didn’t know. When he knows, he tends to play games more when I’m mid-cycle. I tried to blame the blood on irritation (which I truly did have, as always) and I tried to blame the cramps on a pulled muscle, but I don’t know if he bought it. If I was gonna be mid-cycle, as screwy as my cycles are, during the middle of the week, that’d be one thing. But if it hits a Sunday, then all the more I might have to deal with his games. You know, the one where he suddenly forgets how to screw. I hate going through the bullshit motions for nothing, and he’s terrified in bed as it is, so sterile or not, no man that terrified of making a kid wants to get within inches of a possibly ovulating woman.

He got slightly playful on Sunday. I could be wrong, but I think he was trying to get me to think we were gonna screw at certain times on Sunday, only to be let down. When is this guy gonna wake up and see that it’s no disappointment to me and that it hasn’t been for years and that he’s playing his own games with himself, if that’s truly what he was trying to do? And by the way, now he says he likes sex when it’s not too dark out, but not too light either, like when the sun’s setting or rising. My only surprise this weekend was the time of day we got together. I expected to screw Monday, but not in the morning like we did. His bullshit excuse for his slow movements, which I know was to keep from cumming, was back pain. Yeah, something always hurts, doesn’t it? Then he says he’s gonna start doing exercises for that, but do you know how many times I’ve heard that? And so what if he does start doing exercises for that? He’ll only quit. I’m just so tired of the same old, same old, and the same goddamn lame excuses that he does nothing about. He does nothing to help himself cuz he just doesn’t want to be helped.

We agreed we’d sleep together this weekend while his mother’s here, but I know that’ll be a disaster. Nothing’s changed with that; I’m still the lightest sleeper in the world, and God won’t be there to help. Heaven forbid Jodi S should be normal in any kind of intimate way. The slightest movement – I’ll wake right up. The slightest sound – I’ll wake right up. I’ll either have to end up crawling into the retreat on my exercise mat, or he’ll have to crawl in there to sleep on the airbed if we can find the stuff to patch the hole Houdini made in it.

Speaking of Houdini, he was acting like a weekend rat, as usual. He just doesn’t like Tom. For some reason, he’s scared of him. I guess it’s cuz Tom doesn’t feed and handle him like I do. Anyway, on weekends, he’s reluctant to come out and run around. I have to coax him out and take him out myself usually. But during the week when he knows he’s gone, out he comes on his own. He used to come out at night after Tom went to bed, but now he comes out for an hour or two when I get up after he’s been gone for a few hours.

Later...

I just tried calling Paula, but couldn’t get through to her. I was going to call her this weekend, but cuz of Mom’s visit, I thought I’d call today, but all I get is static after one ring. I could get the message I left Tom just fine, as well as his call telling me he’d be late, so I guess the problem is on her end. Anyway, I’m sure she’ll call this weekend because if I remember right, she’s a weekend caller for the most part.

Mary wrote my character letter saying she’s known me for years, I’m kind and considerate, she’s been a guest in my house and treated well, I love animals and collect dolls. I’m surprised she mentioned the dolls. What do dolls have to do with my character? Nonetheless, the letter was well-written and articulate.

Wednesday, October 11, 2000

Finally got through to Paula. I got her machine, though. I let her know I’d call her not this weekend, but next, and told her I look forward to hearing what she thinks of the calendar, story and tape. I look forward to her sending more pictures. Current pictures are great, but I wish she’d send an old one too, from around 10 years ago! I wonder if she’ll send any dolls.

Helen’s office called yesterday to remind me of tomorrow’s appointment, and of course, my heart beat madly until I realized who it was. It came up as private. This is the time Paul and Don ought to start calling to rehash shit I just want to forget and move on from, and to make me do things I don’t want to do, so I can feel like a kid all over again. Of course, I don’t expect I’ll have to do anything till sentencing day, other than go see Don and Helen. That’s enough right there.

What worries me is how the bitch will react towards probation if that’s all I get. Probation wouldn’t be enough for her. She wants me in jail. No doubt about it. We already know how vindictive, vengeful and spiteful this bitch is, and we already know how obsessed she is with me, so will probation cut it with her? Somehow I doubt it. Nothing’s ever good enough for this bitch. She just cannot drop it and move on! And if she’s already been able to abuse her position within the courts this far, how much further can and will she go? She certainly doesn’t mind taking the time out to do this. It’s obviously plenty worth it to her. As it is, a non-threatening letter and phone call should never have gone this far. So, if it can go as far as it has, it can go further. It shouldn’t have gone any further than being rudely dragged out of my house by a bunch of lying pigs to the police station, but even that’s overkill, and again, life is unfair. So, knowing that, I know the worst possible case scenario could very well happen.

Why has God restored my hearing in my good ear? It seems that lately my hearing’s improved and has been much better in that ear, not that it was ever too shitty. I can no longer tolerate the volumes I used to listen to music for years. Did he make my hearing better so I could hear further away? That’d be convenient since noise is further away from us here than it was in Phoenix, but lately, it’s been amazingly quiet. There have been a few times I thought I heard music, but other than that, it’s been dead quiet like a rural town should be.

Later...

It’s not even 11 AM, yet it’s only 65 degrees out.

Anyway, I forgot to say earlier that they’re booming again. I heard them at 9:30.

Also, Tom did back exercises yesterday. We’ll see how long it lasts.

Thursday, October 12, 2000

It was really chilly in here when I got up so I put the heat on for an hour or so. Now, though, it’s hotter in here than it was yesterday. This is probably because I didn’t open the windows today and let the cool air circulate throughout the house. It’s about 81 degrees inside and outside right now.

I let myself sleep an extra hour today cuz I woke up so tired yesterday, but I woke up a zillion times. I first went to sleep with the sound machine on so I wouldn’t have to have the fan moving the air, but I just couldn’t get used to that, so I had to put the fan on. I think I do prefer the circulating air along with the sound of the fan better, anyway.

Saw an interesting documentary on ancient Pompeii, and again, these are the kinds of things that would’ve bored me to death years ago. The show showed old ruins and skeletons from 2000 years ago when Mount Vesuvius erupted.

Tom just got in and says the mural’s in! Great! Can’t wait to get it up this weekend.

I’ll write later after my appointment with Helen, or tomorrow, or even Monday, depending on how busy the weekend turns out.

Friday, October 13, 2000

Tom should be in any time now with Mom. I’m really looking forward to her visiting this weekend!

They’ve sonic boomed by 3 straight days in a row. They boomed by more like 2-3 times a week last January – March, but are pretty regular about it this time around, till they crash. They boomed by at 9:30 and 2:30 two days ago, 9:15 yesterday, and 8:45 today.

Again I woke up many times and was even up for an hour. I was contemplating getting up when I managed to fall back asleep. I don’t expect to sleep very well until after the 30th. Maybe.

I did some cleaning and washed the guest bed sheets. I brought some of Tom’s clothes into the bedroom, so he won’t have to go into the guest room while she’s in there.

My visit with Helen went well and I was even in for a surprise from her. I’ll discuss it later, though.

Sunday, October 15, 2000

Saying I’ve got a lot to write about is an understatement! Mom’s still here but will be gone in about an hour. Mary and Dave will be coming up to get them, leaving Dave’s Mom and her boyfriend at their house.

Paula never did call this weekend like I thought she would, but that’s good since I wouldn’t have been in a position to chat with her. If Mom ever does move in, as much as I doubt she ever will, maybe Tom can install a phone jack somewhere in the master suite, so I can talk to Paula, or whoever, in a more private setting. Mom’s always in the den where the phone is unless she’s at the table eating, or seeing something we’re showing her, or in the guest room.

I have mixed emotions about Mom leaving, although, for the most part, I wish she’d stay. It feels good to have more responsibility and to feel more productive and like I’m helping someone. We’d probably only screw once a month or less with her here, something you know I’m sick of anyway, so she’d be rescuing me from having to do that every 1-3 weeks (we didn’t get together as I predicted). On the other hand, her leaving gives me a little more freedom. Freedom to run around naked, swear, talk loud if I want to, run up and down, etc. If I ran too much with her here, she might think something was wrong. Same if I talk loud, although I did come out of the bedroom late at night in just my panties to get a drink. If this were Tom’s dad and not his Mom, then I’d have thrown a robe on.

The only time I felt a little controlled and uncomfortable was when Tom gave me the eye about a comment I made in regard to a topic he brought up. He brought up the proposition they’ve got going about allowing people to develop homes in certain areas, and it led to my expressing my opinion about having rentals behind us and the noise and destruction Section 8 people bring, should we get stuck with that yet again. First of all, my statement about Section 8 people being scummy was true, and second of all, don’t ever think that just because you’re a guest in my house I’m gonna conform to what others might prefer and put on false airs. I am who I am and no one’s going to take away my freedom within my own home, if I can help it, in unreasonable ways. That’s been done enough, thank you. Meanwhile, I cut out the swears and other things. I need to be myself and not try to predict what others will think of what I say. I can’t control what others think of my opinions/statements, and I don’t want to, either. Any guest in my home is expected to accept and deal with how I live, what I do, and what I say, just like it would be expected of me to respect the ways of others when I visit them. No one has to agree with me when I express my feelings about certain subjects. No visitor has to like everything I say, do, wear, etc., but they do have to accept it, live with it, and not try to change and control it. That’s being too pushy and asking too much of me; if you think I should keep my opinions to myself in my own home. I’ll be reserved and phony in other ways, especially in public or other houses, but not here. Home isn’t the place to be somebody I’m not.

I don’t know that Mom would like to live here, being this remote, and since it would mean she couldn’t go to daycare. She loves daycare way better than sitting at home every day. Whatever’s meant to be, though, will be.

I want to jump back to my session with Helen and go in order of events before getting more into Mom’s stay with us, which has been very enjoyable. Better yet, I’ll do it later or tomorrow. Mary and Dave will be here any sec.

Monday, October 16, 2000

Helen was 10 minutes late this time, instead of 20, and I did not enjoy the wait in the waiting room. No, there weren’t any loud and destructive kids, but there was this spider walking along the ceiling that was creeping me out. It was getting closer and closer and just when I thought it was going to center itself over my head and string down on its web right onto my head, Helen rescued me.

We had gone to Circle K before Helen’s where I grabbed some coffee, but I finished it before she called me into her office. Found those flavored lip balms I love, though. I have strawberry, raspberry, and watermelon.

This time Helen gave more input. While I discussed my never-ending freeloader frustrations, I mostly discussed Tom’s lack of cumming, and here’s where she surprised me. She believes him. She actually believes he’s telling the truth to the best of his ability, but no, we don’t know for sure what’s in his subconscious. She also surprised me by letting me know that she has heard of guys who could get hard, but not cum!

I don’t know. I want to believe him, but then how do you explain a lot of the things he’s said and done? His actions don’t support his being truthful, but maybe he is. Just maybe he is.

When I told Helen I was OK with not having a kid, but not OK with having my choice taken away from me as to whether or not to have a kid, she said that maybe God didn’t take it away. Maybe it just hasn’t been time yet. Well, there are a lot of things in this world I don’t know, but if there’s one thing I most certainly do know, it’s that there is no such thing as the right time to have a kid in my life. If the right time hasn’t come yet, it never will. Also, yes God did take away my choice.

Helen also believes things happen for a reason and says that if I get pregnant, it’s for a reason. Yeah, and if I don’t it’s for a reason, too. The only two reasons for it that I can see are to punish me and because I couldn’t handle it. That much is obvious and that much I do know. What better way to punish a female you hate than to take away her choices as to what she can do with her own body and life? Also, as the weekend proved, I may be able to sleep with Tom and sleep fairly well enough every once in a while, but I couldn’t do it regularly. I just can’t function after losing just a couple of nights’ sleep, so this only reinforces my belief that God stole my choice knowing I couldn’t handle it. How could I? If I can’t lose more than a few nights’ sleep, how would I handle losing a few months’ sleep? God and I both also know I couldn’t handle carrying and having a child either but knowing this, he should’ve and could’ve at least made sure that I never wanted one. But because he did let me want something he knew damn well I couldn’t have; this is where the obvious punishment aspect of it comes in.

When I told Helen that most of the blacks I’ve known proved to be assholes and wondered if just maybe there was something about having darker skin that tends to make people more prone to acting out, just like most redheads have freckles, she said her experience with blacks has been different than mine.

It figures. Why do I have to be the one to have all the negative experiences?

Anyway, Helen was reading me a little poem all about attitude and its influence on the outcome of things, but I’m sorry, I just don’t agree. I just don’t see the connection, and I know I’ve written about this before, too. There have been lots of times that I went into something with a positive attitude only to get negative results, and vice versa.

Helen also insisted that I do everything I can to try not to worry about my upcoming court date till I see her again on the 28th of this month. Much easier said than done, I told her, and she said she understood it’d be hard. Still, if I can do it for 5 minutes, that’s 5 fewer minutes I have to worry about it.

She seemed pretty confident that they wouldn’t put me in jail but warned me of fines. Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. Anything’s better than jail, but none of this should’ve happened in the first place! None of it!!! Not the January trip to Phoenix, not the July trip to Florence, not the court dates, not the time and money spent – none of it! These freeloaders should be paying me for all the shit they put me through, and Tom too, since he’s had to deal with its effects on me.

Why do I always lose in the end? Huh?! Everyone else gets away with the shit they do, yet I always go down for it. I never ever win!

Helen, who says she also respects and understands that I don’t want to be there (in her office), suggested I not worry about them, because they’ve completely forgotten me and aren’t thinking or worrying about me for a millisecond. I thought about this and realized just how right she is – they’re not thinking or worrying about me. How blessed they are, huh? In fact, a lot of those times I thought they did things with me in mind; they probably didn’t. Meaning yes, after a few complaints they did do things deliberately to provoke me throughout the years we lived together, but a lot of it was without thought cuz they simply don’t care. They just don’t care. They came into that neighborhood without a care in the world, as if they owned it, never thinking of me or anyone else around them. In fact, half of the time, if someone had reminded them that there were other houses on the street, they would’ve been like, “Really? Oh yeah, that’s right. There are. We’re not the only ones in this world,” as if they’d totally forgotten.

Anyway, that’s all I can really think of as far as my visit to Helen goes. As always, if I remember anything else along the way, I’ll add it in.

After seeing Helen, we went to Lowe’s to pick up the mural and a few other odds and ends. I also got a faceplate for the den with vines of green leaves, and 5 rolls of different colored neon twine. I made Mom a bookmark that was supposed to be a bracelet, only I misjudged how much material I’d need. I’ve never made those kinds of bracelets with twine before.

We put up the mural on Saturday, but it didn’t go well. It tore in a few places, acquired gaps between one of the 4 panels as it dried and shrunk, wasn’t lined up very well in some areas, and had bubbles. Amazingly, most of the bubbles had smoothed out by the next day. Nonetheless, it’s beautiful and I love it. We’re going to buy some trim to cover up the edges, as well as crisscross the center of it, and make it look like it’s a big window. This will hide tears, gaps, and areas that are misaligned.

Later...

When Tom came home he brought me a notice to appear for jury duty. Aaarrrggghhh!!! Cops, courts, blacks, Mexicans, probation, jail, lawyers, juries – when’s it ever end?! Anyway, it was for Maricopa County residents only, so I checked the box stating that I no longer reside in that county (this is Pinal County).

I made Tom some chili mac and he’ll be making me the rest of the bacon we got, so I won’t have to get splattered with grease.

I saw a really neat show talking about Charlie’s Angels, my all-time favorite show from the 70s, and interviews with the angels later in life. I didn’t know Kate Jackson, my favorite angel who now looks like shit, had heart surgery and breast cancer. I wish I had my old picture collection. All of them, including Linda and Gloria’s pictures. As you know, they weren’t just pictures to me. They were like individual people, like friends. Anyway, even now the younger Kate is quite appealing to me. Not like Gloria was and like some imaginary characters I made up in my head, but I still think of her from time to time and her pictures too, wondering what it’d be like to reunite with these long-lost pictures.

Anyway, it was great having Mom here. What a difference from when Dureen would visit! I could be myself and enjoy a relaxing, fun atmosphere. Not one filled with tensions and fronts. And you don’t have to constantly entertain her, either. She was content to spend most of the time watching TV and reading one of the books we had. She read half of it and plans to finish it the next time she visits.

She was more with it than I thought she’d be, and pretty independent, too. She only needed help unhooking her bra, getting the water turned on in the shower, going up and down the stairs, and of course, with food, medications, and blood testing. Tom and I tested our own blood too, which is this thing that pricks your finger and is painless. After it pricks you, you squeeze some blood out onto a strip and it reads your sugar level. Ours was normal.

Tom put up a little rail on the side of the bed, but what we really should’ve gotten was a couple of night lights. One for the guest room and one for the bath. We’ll get them as soon as we can. Meanwhile, we left the bathroom light on so she could see well enough. As far as I know, though, she slept well and didn’t need to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.

She has a fork and spoon that are bent at a 90-degree angle, making it easier for her to bring them to her mouth. It wasn’t Tom I had to worry about making gross noises at dinnertime, it was Mom! She was pretty disgusting. She ate like a little animal.

Because of her shaking, she has plastic cups with lids that she uses so she doesn’t slosh her drinks all over. She has two cups for water, juice, soda, and a different one for coffee.

The first night she was here, I cooked the three of us pork chops, then Hamburger Helper the second night.

I showed her various things and she watched me work out while Tom went to Circle K. I enjoyed having her company and having her to chat with while I worked out. It made it go faster and seem less boring, although Bowflex isn’t nearly as boring as floor work, but I totally lost my concentration on counting my reps!

Houdini didn’t seem to mind having her around. It didn’t stop him from coming out like I thought it would. I guess he’s decided to go back to being a night rat, although he still prefers to come out when Tom’s not around.

Later...

Tom finally got around to getting rid of some stuff, since we’ll be needing the money for the freeloaders. He cut out all the premium channels on the TV, cut out Cybertrails, and some stuff on the cell phone.

Tom set up mailboxes so that we can send each other messages. I like having this. It’s fun. I like sending him journal excerpts periodically like I used to via AOL.

I miss the Internet, but not all the problems that come with it. Someday, though, we’ll have faster, better connections. If we can come up with $150 extra bucks, Tom can get the stuff needed to steal free service over the satellite. Pictures that take forever to download by way of the phone will then download instantaneously.

This weekend we’re gonna put a door sweep on the bottom of the bedroom door to block more light, but mostly to keep Houdini out of that area when I don’t feel like chasing him around. I don’t know if it’ll work, though. The bottom of it is flimsy and he may be able to push his way through it and still get under the door.

We’re also gonna put foam weather stripping like we had in Phoenix around the doorjambs. Something we shouldn’t have to do in a brand-new house. But we have to, thanks to the stupid Mexicans who built this house so half-assed. They put the fucking back door on cockeyed, didn’t seal any of them up completely, and God only knows how many little openings there are around the windows that aren’t visible to the naked eye. Even though we just bombed, and even though they can’t live long cuz of it, those little black bugs are raiding this place at night. At night I keep the windows shut cuz they can get through the screen, and they most certainly can get through the door gaps.

Tom surprised me by informing me of the ‘for sale’ sign up at Dan’s place. He never gave any indications of wanting to move when we talked to him, so maybe something happened to him. Maybe that’s why the neighbors seem to be taking care of the place. Either that or he just got so lonely here that he just doesn’t want to come back. His behavior sure cried out for the city and said he was extremely lonely out here. Especially if he’s as gay as I think he is. This is no place for any unattached gay person. Gay people need to be near places where they can meet each other, cuz they usually can’t meet people just anywhere.

Tuesday, October 17, 2000

Friday night’s sleeping together went well. I woke up several times but only once was it because of him. He and Mom were up before I was both days. Trying to sleep together Saturday night was a different story. Maybe I could’ve done it, but by the time it was past 1:00, I knew I had to give up and move him so I wouldn’t have to have what little sleep I might get broken up as much (he went into the retreat since it wasn’t as comfortable for me on the exercise mat as I thought it’d be). I just couldn’t get to sleep and he was moving and snoring more than the previous night. Wearing an earplug helped, but two nights in a row of trying to be normal was just too much for me. So we agreed to start with one night a week, Friday night, where we sleep together, then slowly build up from there. I just don’t think I can adapt to sleeping with my own husband regularly, though. I didn’t think I could adapt to a life without cigarettes either, so we’ll just have to wait and see. God, think of all the normal, everyday things most couples take for granted that are the impossible dream for me!

I slept later yesterday and didn’t get up till 10:30. I expected to be boomed awake yesterday and today, but it never happened. Still, I managed to get up an hour earlier today.

Boy, am I gonna be busy after the 30th! I’m gonna have to run to the probation officer every week in the beginning and they’ll probably make me see Helen once a week, rather than every other week or longer. Helen was pretty sure they’d let me see her and not make me see one of their own therapists. That’d be nice, cuz although they’d pay for me to see one of their own, that therapist would be biased and would be told the black bitch’s, cop’s, and lawyer’s version of the story and not the truth. Cops and lawyers twist the truth around all the time. They’re like the Dureens, Tammys, and Larrys of this world – sometimes telling all-out lies, frequently telling half-truths, and occasionally telling the whole truth. Not that the therapist couldn’t think what they damn well pleased, but when it’s something that could affect my well-being, then I get a little more cautious and even paranoid.

Oh, I also mentioned my erratic periods to Helen, who says she’s heard of that, too. I would’ve thought that that would be much more common than cumless guys with hard-ons, but who knows just how many shy, embarrassed, private, conservative, prudish Tom S there are out there who don’t discuss their problem? Tom will never do anything to change his ways not so much out of shame or embarrassment, but because as Helen said – it works for him. He’s OK with the way he is and therefore, he’s OK with living with it and not changing it. I also feel that just like with myself, he doesn’t want a kid bad enough to do the work required to get me pregnant, be it naturally or not.

Saw a big white pickup park at the far corner of Dan’s property this morning. The one furthest from us, in the back adjacent to the renter’s land. I couldn’t tell what they were doing. They were stooping down by the truck a lot as if they were examining something on the ground. I saw two guys through binoculars. One in a blue shirt, the other wearing that classic white T and white cap Dan loves, but I couldn’t say if it was him or not. After a little while, they got in the truck and headed towards the middle of the land where they parked amongst the tons of cars and trucks that always sit there. They were so far away that I couldn’t tell if they were fat or thin. Just that they were male, their shirt colors, and that one wore a cap. I couldn’t see their pants. The white tee and cap say Dan is there, but the strange lighting, the gate being opened differently, the neighbors seen going there, and the quietness, all point to Dan’s absence.

I wonder if George will try to buy Dan’s place, chop it up and put rentals on it, but if Dan’s really over there, or is OK somewhere in this world with anything to say about it, he might refuse to sell to George cuz he was just as upset that George split the land up to renters. I don’t know why since Dan could get noisy himself and was no neat freak, but he didn’t like it. And the people next door may not like it, either. So, since Dan and next door were friendly enough for next door to watch Dan’s place when he’d go to Indiana, he may refuse to sell to George as a favor to next door. And maybe even to the people further up Bitter Root that Tom saw turn into his place.

The sad thing about it is that I just can’t imagine any decent, quiet people buying that little dive. I think it’ll go to a young white male who plays drums or electric guitars and blasts his stereo, or maybe all of the above. If not, it’ll go to some huge Mexican family. They wouldn’t mind huddling into an old single-wide like that. Whoever moves in there will no doubt make Dan seem like he was very quiet, and I know it won’t be a single woman. Women care more about the looks of things than guys do, although I’d never guess someone like Samantha H would want our old house, either. Maybe she didn’t. Maybe it was Chris’s idea and she just went along with it.

Anyway, I am truly amazed at how quiet and peaceful it’s been. It appears my guess was right about the freeloaders getting fed up with their stereo crapping out to these roads and so they split. Not only have I not heard that stereo, but I also haven’t seen that pickup. Maybe they were just visiting for part of the summer, though, who knows? Or maybe God did us and the rest of society a favor and rammed them and their damn truck into a wall or something.

No music from the renters. Not even the motorcycle lately. There’s a blue car that’s always over there. It never moves as far as I can tell, and I never see any other vehicles come or go, so they must be parked where I can’t see them, and they must slip in and out when I’m not looking back there. I rarely look back there, anyway. I’m not into spying like I used to be. I just don’t want to know my neighbors exist. Period.

When Mary and Dave came to get Mom, we showed them the mural and its bloopers and explained what we planned to do with it to fix it up. Mary thought it was cool, but Dave didn’t seem too impressed.

From what I gather, Mary doesn’t like her mother-in-law and her buddy that much. She’s “kind of” enjoying their visit, she said, which tells me they must be a bit pushy and domineering, judging by her tone of voice (sound familiar?). Either that or they’re ditzy. I guess they came in earlier than was agreed on and Mary wasn’t too happy with that.

Later…

Tom’s home now. He said he and 15 other employees got taken to a fancy Mexican restaurant for lunch for working on a project involving how they deal with their canceled checks.

He also said a small old trailer about 8 miles from here completely burned. We don’t know if it was arson, old and faulty wiring, or what.

The weather had begun cooling down, but it’s warmed up a bit again. As of the last few days, we only need the AC from around noon – 6:00. The rest of the time we need nothing.

I’m so sick of these beggar commercials – ugh! Poor people in poor countries want our money to support the kids they should’ve been responsible enough not to have. I mean, if these people knew they were poor, why’d they have kids? They have kids they can’t afford, then expect us to pay for them – give me a break! And why do all the beggars pick on us Americans? Can’t they beg for free handouts elsewhere for a change?

Later...

I’m getting a bit stressed over the 30th again. Helen’s advice just doesn’t always cut it. So many things could go wrong. For example, the paper the interview lady gave me said to report to Don. If Don wanted to, for whatever twisted or biased reason, he could deny that we ever spoke and then how the hell would I prove that the interview lady said I could call and not bother going to his office cuz of how remote I am? How would I prove that I did speak to Don, despite the fact that phone records could be obtained? It’s his word against mine. Anything’s possible in this world. Well, almost anything. Due to how far this shit’s already gone, the sky’s the limit. It’s just so damn easy to get in deep shit with the law. It used to be you had to harm someone before any action was taken against you. Now, even threats are more than enough to get you in trouble. You can write the most non-threatening thing you want and all a person has to do is simply not like what you had to say. Period. Or not like the person who wrote it. I could’ve written that bitch about my doll collection and all she’d have to do is call the cops and insist she felt threatened by me and scared of me, and that’s it. Down I go. I told Tom that I had thought about using the new laws to my advantage for a change and having her dragged through the mud. Meaning that I may not be able to get her into court and she may not get thrown in jail, but I could at least put her through the hassle of getting arrested if I called the cops swearing she drove by twirling guns in my face or something like that, but I’d rather not lower myself to her level, and as Tom said, it’d be a bitch cuz I’d have to take the time to swear out a statement and all that shit, and I’ve already spent enough time on this sick fuck. Again, it just goes to show how determined, vindictive, vengeful, and spiteful the bitch is to take the time and effort to do what she’s done. I don’t want to use the law to “get them” like they’ve done with me. I just want them out of my life!!!!!! Again, whether she deserved it or not, whether it was legal or not, we all get mail we don’t like or want and no one made her read my mail. All she had to do was throw it out and ignore it, but she just couldn’t let go and move on. She just couldn’t.

Thursday, October 19, 2000

Signing in on a stormy, rainy day. Just when it seemed that all we’d have was tons of thunder and a little lightning, the rains came. I just hope we don’t lose power again for the next 15 minutes so my potato can finish cooking. I noticed that I seem to be a bit more regular if I have my daily potato towards the beginning of my day, rather than at the end. Anyway, there was quite a bit of lightning when I went to bed last night at 1:00, then the thunder woke me up at 7:30, an hour and a half before I was scheduled to get up. The power was out for a little while, too. I swear I’ve been woken up more in the near year we’ve been here, than all the time in the Phoenix house! At first it was gunshots, cops, and booms. Now it’s storms, strange or unpleasant dreams, or just because. A lot of the time I wake up for no apparent reason at all. What’s worse is knowing I can’t do a rollover if I want to after the 30th. The freeloaders will be running my life all the more at that point and I’ll have at least two appointments a week. And this is just probation and therapy. Who knows just how often I’ll have to do community service? I’m sure I’ll have to, though. It’ll be God’s way of punishing me for bashing the freeloaders of this world. He worships the lazy compared to the hard-working people of this world, I swear!

Later...

It’s only just after 4:00 yet it’s like twilight in here due to the storms that keep coming and going. It’s really coming down this time around, and when you see water running down the wash, you know it rained a lot. It’s only 66 degrees out there now. It’s gonna be cold tonight! Especially right before dawn. I might put the heat on low before I crash or he might put it on when he gets up. I know that if it isn’t on by the time I get up, I’ll definitely need to put it on. The problem is, Tom’s on his way in from grocery shopping and I wonder if he’s gonna make it OK. I don’t have any bad vibes saying he’ll be harmed in any way, but I wonder if he might get stuck for a while. I hope not!

Although it rarely rains in Arizona, I wish we had a garage off the utility. It would keep rain and wind out and cut down on the bugs, too.

When he called from work to tell me he was on his way to the store before coming home, his call came up as out-of-area, and boy did my heart start thumping! I thought it might be Paul calling, and again, even though my logic says I have nothing to worry about, things happen that defy logic all the time in life. Thanks, freeloaders. Thanks a lot. For the stress, I mean. Same goddamn stress they caused me to have when we lived with each other; it’s just a different kind of stress nowadays.

Not that I’m complaining, but my belly’s been flatter lately. I don’t know why, either. Maybe cutting way down on my refined sugar intake really is making a difference. I know being regular helps with that, but I’m sure it’ll bloat back out as I get closer to my period.

Friday, October 20, 2000

I was in the second bath just now when I heard this metallic sound like someone trying to bust into our shed. Good, I thought, now I can legally do whatever I want to this person (unless they shoot me down and make sure I never get up) cuz they’re trespassing. And if the courts find me guilty, they’ll make me a very rich woman, cuz I’ll sue the fuck out of them for denying me the right to defend myself and my property.

However, as far as I could tell, the sound wasn’t coming from this property, next door, Dan’s, or the renters. It was coming from the front of the house. My first impression was that it was coming from the house two lots in front of next door (the lot in front of them is empty like the one in front of us still is). The sound, which you could hear loud and clear in the house, sounded like someone throwing something into a dumpster, just like when Tom would throw roofing material in the dumpster we rented. I can’t see anyone on the roof of that house, although I can only see a tiny portion of it from here. When I went outside I couldn’t see anything either, but man was it loud! It sounded almost explosive-like at one point like it was many miles away and may have come from the northeast, rather than the southeast, but it’s definitely something being thrown into a metal bin of some kind. Maybe they’re packing up what’s left of that trailer that burned. From inside the house, it sounds like the equivalent of one or two houses away in Phoenix. Remember, there’s nothing in between us and this sound to block it, so it sounds closer than it really is. It wouldn’t wake me up if I had the fan on, but it’d definitely wake me up without it. It’s not a constant sound. I hear a few bangs and then nothing for a while. It’s like they’re doing whatever it is they’re doing in little spurts.

I forgot to say that yesterday morning, just before 8:00 when the power was out, I heard the renter’s motorcycle. I thought, oh please! Don’t go revving that engine just because the power’s out and you want attention, but this time it actually went somewhere. Either that or they stopped almost as quickly as they started. I saw smoke coming from over there too, like they were burning trash.

It’s still quiet music-wise, and I haven’t seen any cars on Meadow Green in weeks. I shouldn’t keep marveling in this journal about how quiet it’s been, though. That’ll only make them start their shit up again!

Later...

Gonna watch the old rerun of Charlie’s Angels that’s going on at 1:00. For now, I thought I’d write some more.

It didn’t get as cold as I thought it’d get yesterday morning and we didn’t need heat. In fact, in another hour or two, I’ll probably need to AC it a little.

Forget about writing for now. I’m gonna go put the oldies channel on and get today’s work done, which is the dining and living area.

Later...

Kate looked great – damn great! This is really cool having a crush on her all over again. It’s like it’s a brand-new crush, cuz I wasn’t exactly blossomed enough sexually as a 10-year-old to have the kind of crush on her that I do now. The younger her, that is. She’s tall and she has the dark hair and eyes I like with a beautiful smile, although I never really had a height preference. She’s also one of the very few women I thought looked better with her hair shorter. I’d never have guessed more than half my life ago that I’d be drooling all over her at nearly 35 years of age. Meanwhile, blond-haired, blue-eyed Carol Kane wore off of me as fast as she turned me on.

It’s amazing how poorly Kate’s aged compared to Jaclyn and Cheryl (Farrah declined the request to be interviewed). Jaclyn and Cheryl only look about 10 years older than when they were on Charlie’s Angels, but not Kate!

During the interview when all the different people were discussing the show, it mentioned those that bitched about it, insisting it was “jiggle TV,” yet as one guy put it, no one calls it jiggle TV when a cock appears on TV scantily clad. Anyone that had a problem with Charlie’s Angels must be dying over today’s TV. This is what I mean when I bitch about life’s little control freaks. Why the fuck do these people have to try to control things and get this shit off the air when all they have to do is just not watch it! Who’s making these ass wipes watch stuff they don’t want to see? You may not be able to throw away and ignore a pack of rowdy freeloaders a few feet away from you, but you can ditch and ignore mail and TV shows you’re not interested in.

Tom put the door sweep on the bottom of the bedroom door. It keeps the ratdog out when I don’t feel like chasing him around, although I do let him play the hide and seek game he loves so much every now and then, and let him go hide in the closet, under the bed, the walker.

The air cleaner had been making funny noises like it was gonna die, but Tom fixed it. He opened it up and vacuumed out all the dust that was inside, and contrary to what we thought, that was apparently the cause of the funny sound it made cuz it’s sounded normal ever since.

OK, so I know I won’t ever be president, a parent, a natural blond, a millionaire, nor will I ever have 4 legs and 9 arms, but I just don’t know that I won’t be sent to jail. You never know what was an act. Meaning, all of Paul’s reassurances could’ve been pure bullshit. There’s no way to be sure of what’s really in his mind and the minds of his associates. He could know, could’ve always known, that I’d end up in jail in the end, and of course he’d lie about it and tell me not to worry. He could hate people with big green eyes as much as I hate bees. Given his position, that’s all it’d take to make sure I lost my freedom, not that I haven’t lost enough of it as it is. No one sees the big picture here – that they abused and victimized me for years. And Tom too, since he’s had to deal with their shit as well, and its effect on me. They don’t care that I sent words and not bombs. I can’t believe how much the laws have changed and how bold people have become! Yes, they will embarrass and implicate themselves to get at you. People’s anger greatly overrides any sense of logic, fear, embarrassment, or shame they may have and all they know is that they want to “get you.” And like I said, that bitch didn’t get scared – she got pissed.

Sunday, October 22, 2000

It was only 59° when I got up. It’s been storming since yesterday afternoon. Thunder woke me up for a minute early this morning. I slept in today and got up at 9:15. I thought I’d sleep till 10:00 or 11:00, but even though I didn’t, and even though I woke up a few times in between, I feel well-rested. I had a dream that Don sent me a copy of a letter I assume he was to give to the judge, saying how horrible a person I am. I can’t believe I still haven’t heard from Don. Or Paul “reminding” me of court by playing dumb, insisting he missed me in court. If only we had money! I’d skip court, ignore these freeloaders like I’ve been trying to for years now, then pay Sharon, since she’s just too nice to stiff.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll be in for a ton of freeloader-related dreams this next week. A couple of nights ago I dreamt Houdini nearly escaped forever by crawling into the overflow drain in the bathroom sink, which in the dream, was wide enough for a rat to crawl through.

I even gave up on sleeping together, at least for a while. We started to last night, and he didn’t move/snore too badly, but I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be dealing with it. I’m just too nervous at this point. Although I appreciate his understanding, patience, and tolerance, I still feel bad. If only I never lived in the NHA. If only! Besides, what’s the point of being normal when this works for us? It’s like what Helen said about his not dealing with his not cumming – it works for him. Well, we can still love each other when sleeping separately. As long as we’re together in the sense that matters, we don’t need to share the same bed, cuz I just don’t like sharing a bed. I just don’t like it. It just doesn’t feel right. Maybe someday, if and when there’s ever less stress and less bullshit going on in our lives, I’ll try again to adapt to it, but I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet. Life’s always been one thing after another after another. For now, though – fuck being normal. There’s nothing normal about this relationship anyway. Never has been, never will be. Well, perhaps it wouldn’t be fair to say there’s nothing normal about it, but most things about it aren’t.

On our way out yesterday, I was pissed to realize I forgot the books to use for credit at the bookstore, but anyway, I got 6 books. All but one are full size and 5 of them are a V.C. Andrews series.

After the bookstore, we went to Walgreens and they had that Turbie Twist towel! I love it too, and it really works well. I had my doubts at first that it’d dry hair faster cuz it looked/felt just like a regular towel, but it did dry it faster. Even if it didn’t, it’s nice just to have a convenient way of getting it up and out of the way till it dries. I hated having to have it plastered to me and dripping for nearly an hour. That reminds me - Mom said Mary was looking for the one they’ve got to bring to me, but she couldn’t find it. Yeah, that’s something Mary would do – lose a towel. That’s what a slob she is. Anyone who can’t find a towel, especially one like that, lives in major clutter. Leave it to Mary to be that disorganized and unable to find things. Just like Tom can’t find anything in his office. And Mary’s place isn’t just a mess, it’s filthy!

I also got a pair of colorful gloves for a couple of bucks. They’re knit gloves that are small and said to stretch to fit anyone. They help keep my hands from feeling chafed while I row, but I do the exercises without them.

I got strawberry-kiwi lip gloss in a shiny tube, a puzzle with palm trees and flowering bushes, two pairs of panties, and a sports bra.

Tom said he saw rubber spiders and rubber rats but forgot to show them to me (we had split up for a while).

On our way back through all the cloud coverage, we could see individual storm cells, as Tom said they’re called. Even though it’s still cloudy out, it looks like the storms could be over, although there’s no way to know for sure at this point. I hope they are over. I’d like to sleep tonight, seeing how I’ve got my dentist appointment tomorrow, and how it’d be safer to drive in drier weather.

More annoying commercials – they have this stuff to kill mice for those who consider them pests, but what about stuff to kill dogs that some of us consider pests? You know, as in a couple of collies that barked non-stop and probably still do? I’m not there anymore, though, so you never know.

Yes, Dan’s definitely over there. He was quiet yesterday, thanks to the storms, but Friday night he gave us an engine-gunning spree. The gunning didn’t go on for hours, but long enough to be annoying and to tell me he was there. Also, the ‘for sale’ sign says the place is for sale by owner. Well, the owner kind of has to be there in order to sell it by the owner, don’t they? As long as we don’t get anything worse in there, I’m glad his place is up for sale. He needs to go. Tom says the place will take years to sell, but I doubt that. Especially if God’s planning on sending us noisier assholes to live over there, like he loves to do, so it’ll depend on how desperate he is to stick the same old shit near me.

I’m pretty sure I also heard music a few times Friday night too (that’s what I get for bragging about how quiet it’s been), but I’m not sure if all of it came from Dan. It could’ve been bangers cruising around.

Later...

He doesn’t get it. He just doesn’t get it. As soon as he said there was nothing to deal with today, I knew he didn’t get it. I was stressing big time about the fucking freeloaders (if I’m this stressed out a week in advance, imagine how I’ll be next weekend)! and they were on my nerves so much that I could barely concentrate on making chili mac and pudding for Tom. I don’t know, he just comes off as being as non-empathetic as he was when I wanted a kid really bad and it bothers me. It even hurts to know he doesn’t feel an ounce of anger towards these freeloaders for what they’ve put me through. He said being angry wouldn’t help things, but how can he not feel a bit of anger towards these fucking assholes? How could I not feel anger towards anyone who hurt him? What should I do if someone decided to strangle Houdini? Say, “Oh, well. Getting angry won’t change or help anything.” Is that what I should say? I don’t think so! I envy Tom and his ability to control his emotions, but I can’t just click off and ignore things I can’t or don’t want to deal with or that can’t be changed as he can. And to say there’s nothing to deal with today – ha! For who? For him maybe, but for me – I have to deal with all this stress these freeloaders continue to cause me as if we all still lived together as one big miserable bunch.

I tried calling Paula like I said I would this weekend, but got no answer. I left a message.

I came up with a brilliant idea the other night; to take pictures off the TV from frozen videos. I tried to pause videos and take pictures from the other TV, but it wouldn’t work. The glare I got off the glass made it look too washed out, but because this is a plastic screen, you don’t get a glare from it. The pictures don’t look great, but they look good enough. I took some still shots of Kate the other night.

Later…

Tom just went out to see when the next storm will come. No doubt when I’m asleep. Anyway, he said there’s a flash flood watch in effect, and that some places got really bad flooding.

Tom said that just because he doesn’t always show his emotions doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. I envy him! How I wish I was like him, not showing my emotions. I wish I didn’t feel the need to express my emotions and concerns cuz most of the time it just causes trouble. He said he chooses to be the way he is. Why can’t I choose to be the way I want to be? What blessed him with such control? He does it a little too well if you ask me. Sometimes it makes me feel like he has no feelings, no empathy, and like he’s trying to hide things.

Tom came back in saying that it may not rain if it keeps going in the direction it’s going in.

Later…

Tom’s in bed now. He went to bed early so he could get up earlier. Fortunately, I didn’t have to deal with any boring bed sessions. He took advantage of my stress, as I hoped he would, to bail his own disinterested self out of it.

Tuesday, October 24, 2000

Woke up a bit tired today. I’m sure I’ll be more tired each day through Monday. Probably even past that, cuz they’ll no doubt make me see Don and Helen next week too, so no sleeping in for me for what’ll no doubt be months.

It’s been pretty stormy for the last few days, but it looks like it may finally clear up now. Yesterday it rained like hell. No thunder and lightning, just lots of rain in patches. Instead of the hard rains monsoons normally bring, it rained fairly light off and on and for longer periods of time, although there were a few times when it was really coming down. When I got up today, I couldn’t see any of the surrounding mountains. They were all fogged out. The sun’s just now starting to burn away the clouds, but it’s still down to 60 degrees.

After doing so well, I’ve been stuck since Friday, thanks to the stress over the freeloaders. They even own my shit system and dictate when I can shit!

Helen’s office called yesterday saying Helen had to cancel our Saturday appointment, so I’m going in to waste another of our much-needed $25 tonight at 6:00. If she’s more than a few minutes late again, I’m gonna have to really stress to her that she needs to be punctual or I’m gonna have to see someone else. I’d have preferred to meet this Saturday, cuz it’d be closer to Monday than today is, but oh well.

Speaking of $25, I won $25 on a scratch ticket yesterday, plus two more bucks on another! I’ve never won that much before on a scratch ticket! He hasn’t either.

One of my biggest concerns going to court, even bigger than my concern of jail, is the money they’re gonna suck out of us. They’re gonna milk us dry! I know they will! And just how much of the hundreds of dollars are gonna end up in the freeloaders’ pockets, further humiliating me and damaging me emotionally? I’m already scarred for life cuz of these sick fucks, but have I asked God for help? Of course not! Why would I ask the very being who set all this shit up in the first place for help? He wanted these people to fuck with me, so no amount of begging and pleading would get him to call them off. He’s the one that had to sic them on me in the first place, so you think he gives a damn about how I’m feeling? Ha! He knowingly and intentionally made sure all this would happen. Why I don’t know. The only reasons I can think of are that he did it because I got away with shit in the past and because he just plain old doesn’t like me. He simply wants to punish me and he’s using them as a weapon to get at me. Another reason is that in his eyes, I rebelled against what he wanted for me. He wanted me to have noisy neighbors and I tried to fight it. Well, this is what I get for trying to get out of it, obviously.

I cannot begin to express the emotional damage jail would do to me, if that’s where I ended up. If I think I’m emotionally damaged enough as it is, I doubt I could ever recover from being sent to jail. I’m not gonna even recover from this! If I picked on innocent people - picked on them with way more than just words on paper or an answering machine - that’d be different. But these are people that provoked me for no reason at all and I spoke out about it. I simply gave them a piece of my mind. Going to jail would be literally taking my life. I wouldn’t be able to rock when I got out, since sitting in that position takes regularity. I’d be a stranger to Houdini, my muscle tone would be gone, and I’d no doubt be unable to have sex again - there’s no end to what it’d do to me. I don’t think, this time around, I could just kiss ass and turn the other cheek, if I got sent to jail. I don’t think I could just “take it.” I really think I’d need to hunt their asses down and literally kill them. I’ve been itching with the desire to kill them for years now, so imagine how that’d escalate if I ended up jailed any more than I already have been for these fucking freeloaders.

How can God be so mean? How can he be so damn cruel and insensitive as to let these people harass and victimize me for years and make me pay for it all because I sent a letter and made a phone call about it?! Does he really not have one ounce of sympathy and mercy for me? Did he feel my life was too empty and boring that he had to go and sic these freeloaders on me? What? Did he feel that since a kid would be too much for me to handle, and since I’m not in a position to work or have a career of any kind, I should at least be victimized by people who should’ve been a part of my past as of April 4th, 1999? These freeloaders will never be a part of my past. Never! And I don’t see how I can ever heal or get over what they’ve done to me. I can’t just “walk away,” can’t just “ignore them” and their effects on me.

Meanwhile, I expect to hear from Paul and Don this week for sure.

Oh, and also – Tom said that at this point, the Paul’s out of it and it’s up to the judge and the probation department from here on out. I don’t know about that, but if he’s right, it’s not very consoling to know that two people who don’t even know me from a hole in the wall are going to sit in judgment of me. Even I’d think I looked back with the case presented as it is, never knowing, witnessing, and living through what they put me through, and never knowing me. They don’t know a damn thing about me.

It still bothers me that I quit smoking, I go to Helen for him, yet what personal changes is gonna make for me? When does he do something so he can cum at least every other time? Again, I know I’m sterile, and I know that he could cum every day and not impregnate me, but I want to see it played out anyhow. It’s just not fair. I make all kinds of personal changes, more for him than for me, yet he won’t lift a finger to change one simple little thing for me, and if he does, it’s only short-term and then he quits. He gives up on everything. I wasn’t asking him to cum for the rest of his life, either. Just for a few consistent months. That’s it. So, to know that’s too much to ask of my own husband is both humiliating and insulting. It really is.

Yesterday’s trip to the dentist wasn’t any more fun than I thought it’d be. Those bottom front teeth sure were sensitive! They stung like hell while he worked on them. The top retainer was OK, but the bottom needed tightening. Just like the last time, Anne assisted the doctor, but I did see Melanie along the way. We said hi and bye to each other as I came and went. My next appointment is for a cleaning and check-up on 12/21.

Now why can’t most blacks be like Anne? Dear, sweet, smart, friendly black Anne?

After the dentist, which fortunately didn’t make me shaky and dizzy this time around, we went to the mall. They’re gonna up my ring from a 4½ to a 5½ by cutting it and adding a plain piece of gold. It’ll cost $25 and will be ready on court day. Then, if I ever miraculously lose weight, I can either put tape or something on the underside of the ring or I can get the extension removed.

After leaving the mall and passing by many different kinds of stores I wished I could shop in, we went to a scummy, Mexican grocery store. It was the only convenient one on the way.

Once back in Maricopa, we stopped at Circle K for the bingo scratch tickets and our usual treats.

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

Don finally called. He called at 9:30 wanting to see if I’d be around later so he can call me later on this afternoon to ask me a couple of questions pertaining to my interview (which is no doubt gonna be about money). As friendly as he sounded, I’m not looking forward to our chat. Oh, how I wish I could snap my fingers and have it be October 31st! But why does he have to call just to “see if I’ll be around?” Can’t he just call when he’s ready to and find out? Makes me wonder who he may be sending out here. After being bullshitted by the cop with the Robin H story and possibly by Mr. Biased who told me this was over, I don’t know who or what to believe, and now I’m beyond just nervous – I’m scared! I’m hoping I can at least find out more of what’s going to be going on today, like how much more money we’re gonna lose over this, etc.

Ratsy still looks like he’s dying. Every day he gets weaker and weaker, yet every time I think he’s reached the end, he lives on!

I’m too wound up to get into yesterday’s visit to Helen’s and other things, so I’ll do it later.

Later…

Having nothing more to do tonight that I feel like doing, I’ll get some writing done. I’ll discuss Helen, then Don, although I don’t expect I’ll finish writing all I’ve got to say tonight. Actually, let me cover some little odds and ends first.

We discussed getting a male and female mouse from different stores this weekend so we can start breeding them (hopefully), but we’re gonna wait and make sure I don’t end up in jail first. So, we’ll get them on Monday if I’m not in jail.

We stopped at Walgreens after Helen’s and got a few treats. A few new toys, you could say. For just a buck I got a cute, pink beanbag mouse. Got another Barbie in a pink, purple, red, and white squared dress with pink boots, a couple more puzzles, and some cologne. I got that musk scent I had before, only this one’s got body glitter in it. I also got a scent called Sunflowers. I was surprised that with a name like that, it smells so good. It’s the best one yet, next to the musk which is just about my favorite. Getting a 4-pack of body sprays last year was a dumb mistake, cuz one of them turned out OK, another was almost OK, and the other two were stunk. It’s best to do what I did; the second to last time we were in Walgreens, I sprayed a tester on myself and gave myself time to decide whether or not I liked it. You can’t always tell right away. At least I can’t.

When we got home, I thought – oh, shit! We’re just in time for a show from Dan, but once we got inside the house, he either shut up or didn’t gun that loud. So far, his motors haven’t been as loud as they were last year.

OK, onto Helen. Helen was kind enough to give me a piece of paper with information she copied from somewhere regarding Tom’s problem. I was astonished to learn that his problem is fairly common, and for the first time since knowing him, I believe there’s a damn good chance he really is telling the truth to the best of his ability. This doesn’t mean I’m not right about his subconscious fear of a kid, but at least I’ve learned that there’s a 99% chance he is being honest with me (I didn’t expect this out of therapy!).

Thursday, October 26, 2000

There was a knock on the side door while I was watching TV the other day. I knew they knew someone was home because I knew they had to have heard the TV. I ignored them till I was able to see two guys in jeans and maroon shirts saying: Pinal County Assessors. At that point, I could see that one had measuring tape strung out, and the other started to persistently pound on the front door, so at this point, I felt it was not cop-related and safe to open the door. They said they’d come to measure the house. Tom later told me it was for tax purposes. I swear we’ve had more people knock on this door than our door in Phoenix, excluding mail people!

I have so much to say and so many thoughts racing through my head. I feel like this bullshit case is getting worse and worse and so are my anxieties. The main thing Helen and I discussed and that she told me was to work on was controlling my thinking, which she understands is often easier said than done and will take time to do. She said don’t let them win by worrying about them and thinking about them. Well, they already have won. They won years ago and they’re still winning. And no, I can’t get them and what they’ve done to me off my mind, either. They made my life a living hell and they continue to do so to this day and probably the rest of the days of my life, too.

After talking with Don yesterday, going to jail or paying thousands of dollars isn’t my biggest concern anymore. Being forced to work is my biggest concern! I was completely blown away to learn that going to work or school is part of probation and that they can order a person to do so. First of all, there’s no way I could get to work or school with bus lines over an hour away and with him needing the car to drive himself to and from work. Secondly, who the hell are they to demand I go to work? Is this God’s punishment to me for bashing freeloaders for not working? Well, it’s not like I’m living off of people’s tax money, wandering the streets all day, or sitting at home staring at the walls all day, either. I have a right to be the homemaker that I am and that is a job. Paul says that those who aren’t home watching children are considered not having anything to do, so they should be working. I know society’s grown more and more against the idea of those being homemakers, but it’s my life, goddamn it! I’m not a murderer and I don’t think I should be forced to change my life over a letter and a phone call! Even the standard $40-a-month probation fee doesn’t fit the crime. That’s outrageous! These fucking freeloaders are gonna end up costing us around 1000 bucks! Maybe more. What they’re asking is unfair, unreasonable and even impossible. They’re asking too much of me! Period. I can see going to a counselor and checking in weekly with a probation officer and even their outrageous fee, but work or school? I don’t think so! I explained to both Don and Paul how difficult it would be for me to work even if transportation wasn’t an issue, because of my phobias and lack of trust concerning being around people (especially in regular jobs that don’t involve stripping). I told them I was on disability cuz of it and will provide documentation of that in court, although I know it’ll be useless.

Fuck these fucking freeloaders for turning my life upside down and ruining it like they have!!! In a sense, they’re making it worse now than when we lived with them. Tom said they can’t force someone to move. But he also said they couldn’t make people work either, yet he was wrong. Being made to work will force me to move. I’d need to see if I could stay with Mary so I could be near bus lines. I told them, though, that if I could do work at home, even if it was stuffing envelopes for free, that’d be fine, but think about it. How many home jobs do they have? They’re very very scarce.

Paul, who I called myself, said they’re not necessarily going to make me work, but in the end, he didn’t make me feel any better about the prospect of it and even left me more convinced that they will order me to work.

I suppose that after they control my life, my body comes next, huh? I wouldn’t put it past them to order me drugged up. I am not taking drugs as a way of coping with my problems and I will go to jail before I let anyone make a guinea pig of me like they did in the past, and then they’ll have to pay (for my food and shit like that). I’m sorry, but there’s only so far you can go with controlling people, and I cannot let these people, even if it’s the courts, seize total control of my life/body. I’ve had very little say in my life/body as it is, and I don’t need them seizing what little control I do have. Fucking mother-fucking freeloaders! Aaaaarrrggghhhh! They control everything. Virtually all aspects of my life revolve around them. They dominate, dictate and control my life as if I were their puppet on a string! I really am never going to be able to live for myself, am I? I really am never going to be able to live life for myself and take charge of my own life and body. My whole life is really going to be about having to do what society says I should do with my life, and probably my body, too. It’s reasonable that society says I shouldn’t murder and that I shouldn’t smoke crack, but how the hell can they have the right to tell me I have to work and maybe even take psycho pills? Why is it that whenever I want to do something in life, someone or something is there to say no, you can’t do that, and there’s never a damn thing I can do about it? What they say always goes when it comes to how I live my life and what I do with my body.

Paul says he’s going to ask for a probation officer who deals with mental health (I guess I’d have to see their doctors too, who’ll be predisposed to believing I’m crazy), but in the end, everything’s up to the judge. Up to this person who doesn’t know me and could never understand why certain things are just too damn hard for me.

Why is God doing this to me? Is there some hidden purpose behind all this shit that I can’t see? Is this more than just a punishment? Is this supposed to lead to something I can’t see? After all, I’ve been saying that due to all the appointments and shit going on, I felt like he was preparing me for something. Something fast-paced that’d keep me on my toes and cause me to have to keep a schedule regularly. Well, I knew all along that thing wouldn’t be a kid, so what the hell’s going on? Is he trying to turn me into a career woman? Well, he should’ve done that back when I was in the city if that’s what he’s aiming at here. Does he want me to fit in with 85% of the female population by working? But I don’t want to “fit in.” I just want to live my life in peace with the right to be a homemaker. Without the freeloaders, courts or cops butting into it.

For the next year, I thank God Tom is the way he is and that I’m sterile. At least he can rest assured that I won’t want us to do a thing about the way we are for at least a year, maybe even a few years. Or maybe even never, cuz there’s no fitting that into our schedule with all life’s bullshit. I mean, I don’t see how we could fit that in in the future any more than we could’ve in the past/present, so pressure or requests to seek help for change is something he’s definitely not going to have to worry about for quite a while.

Don said it wasn’t in his report, the being dragged to the police station in January, told it was over when it wasn’t, the subpoena I never got, being arrested and jailed overnight in July. How convenient. Did they neglect to report that to Don to cover for the fact that they lied to me and infringed upon my rights by not arraigning me within the proper time frame? Probably so. Well, it doesn’t matter in the end what rights or rules the cops or courts fuck up on or break altogether. They can get away with anything and do anything they damn well please.

I get victimized and badgered by these sick fucks for years, send a letter and make a call letting them know just how I feel about it, and now I have to pay an outrageous $40 a month for it, be forced to find a way to work out of the house and give up my job as a homemaker, be forced to see doctors and therapists God knows how many times a week, and be doped up for it, too. Life’s just great! Maybe I was better off listening to their fucking music and ball games. At least it didn’t cost any money and I could keep my life the way it is as far as keeping house goes.

I’m never gonna break free of the freeloaders and their effects on me and my life. Before they owned my right to peace and my mental state, and it was in their hands whether or not I slept. Now they own it all. Everything I do is in their hands. I just can’t hear or see them, that’s all. However, if I’m forced to move into the city so I can work, I’ll be back with the bangers and all the shit that goes with being in the city. When we first moved and were forced to go into the city to the hotels, I felt like the city just wouldn’t quite loosen its grip on me. It was like it was hesitant to let me go. Now I feel like it’s calling me back. Like God’s unhappy with me being a rural person. He wants me back in the city with the freeloaders and courts in control of my life/body.

You don’t know just how bad I’d like to get a hold of that scrawny little black neck and choke the life right out of that sick bitch – ugh! However, at this point, I’d rather just move the fuck on!!! I want them out of my life much more so than to bash their skulls in!!!

My mind’s racing back and forth between just waiting and seeing what they say next Monday, to not even bothering to show up, to not bothering to do a damn thing they say after the 30th if I’m not in jail, to going to jail and letting them pay for everything and saving our money, to killing myself.

Don said that as he tells everyone, “Expect the worst and hope for the best.” Yeah, right! I expect the worst, but how can I hope for the best? There’s no hope for me with this case, trust me.

I also learned that he’s not my probation officer. All he is is a pre-sentencing court reporter who talks to all parties involved and then gives the info to the judge. I’m sure my probation officer will be black or Mexican. Why not assign the “racist” to the people they’re supposed to hate, huh? That’s no doubt what they’re thinking, but hey, as long as they’re fair I don’t care what color or race they are.

Later…

I also left a message for Helen yesterday, asking that she mail to our PO Box the fact that I feel very uncomfortable around people, and therefore, working would be very stressful for me. Me and people just don’t mix. I clash with them and they clash with me. They always have a complaint or problem with me and I can’t deal with their incompetent, contradictory, and sometimes devious ways. I can’t stand evil little people lying to my face and then laughing about it at my expense behind my back. If I were to keep my mouth shut I’d be considered stuck-up, and if I were to talk they’d have a problem with just anything I could say. Anyway, I don’t know what Helen can do or if it’d even help, but we’ll see. Meanwhile, she gave me a log for our appointments.

I wonder if the courts won’t demand things of me they know damn well I couldn’t do, so they can have an excuse to throw me in jail, simply because they just don’t like me.

When I first got up, I wondered how I could possibly even make it through the day cuz I was such a bundle of nerves. Well, not that I’m now this object of tranquility and serenity, but I actually felt my nerves calm a bit after finally breaking down and pleading with God to ease up on me. I can’t ask him to stop the very shit he obviously wanted to start, but I begged him to help me with my nerves. He’s the last person I wanted to lower myself to running to, what with all he’s let happen to me. It must’ve been just a coincidence that I felt calmer, cuz why would he help the very people he hurt? I wonder how I’m gonna manage the sleep aspect of it. I’m getting less and less sleep cuz although I’m getting up a half-hour earlier each day, this does not mean I’m able to go to bed earlier.

Tom said he saw Dennis, who mentioned the clothes I left in the trailer. He said there was a whole drawer full of stuff. Really? I thought I only left 3 pairs of shorts. Anyway, he told Tom that after he goes on a hunting trip, he’ll bring in the stuff. That was honest of him to mention it and to say he’ll bring it in. I don’t have to have the stuff back, but it would be nice.

Friday, October 27, 2000

My weight has slipped back down to just under 115 pounds, rather than just over. I don’t know if it’s cuz of stress, having less sugar, or both.

Somebody tried calling who was out of the area just after 9:00, but they didn’t leave a message.

Again, God’s the last one I wanted to go crying to for help dealing with all the stress that’s on me, and as belittling as it was, I had to try, even if it was a one-in-a-million chance that he’d help me through this in any way. I had to at least try. I begged that he not let them make any unreasonable or impossible demands of me and to please not let them make me work or go to school. The only way I could do that would be to leave my home and my husband, yet Tom swears they cannot split us up, nor can they make us move. I don’t know about that anymore. I’m beginning to wonder if the courts aren’t God himself. With the way the laws have gotten so strict and so damn ridiculous, I think they could order me to stand on my head all day if they wanted to. I mean, really! Next thing I know, it’ll be a class 1 felony to wear purple T-shirt dresses, and I won’t know it till it’s too late and I find out the hard way.

I feel like God or something up there is trying to force me back with people. I don’t want to be with people on a regular basis! That’s why we moved here; to get away from people. Yet I still feel like whatever’s up there is saying, as it has with just about all the things I choose, no, you can’t do that. I want you back in the city and with people. It’s like the more I try to avoid something in particular, the more I’m forced to endure it.

They’ve already hyped this thing up and blown this case way, way out of proportion. So, if they want to act like I committed a violent offense and make me pay the outrageous probation fee, fine, but enough is enough already! I’ll be damned if I’ll allow them to change my whole life and even my body over this! They’re gonna have to meet me halfway and do their part in cooperating as well! The less cooperation I get from them, the less they’ll get from me. If they want me to work, fine, but they’re gonna have to set me up with a home job. It’s as simple as that. I’ve thought about it and have decided that if they ask the impossible of me, I just won’t do it. Period. It’s my life/body and I’m sick of people telling me what to do with it. Especially in so many extremely unfair, unreasonable, and now maybe even impossible ways.

Although Tom says I don’t have to worry or prove anything to the courts, I fear them calling me a liar and being even harsher on me for guessing wrong how much Tom takes home monthly. I guessed he took home $1400 a month when in fact he really takes home $1700 a month. Well, as I told them, Tom’s perfectly willing to provide them with any documents they may need, but would they buy it if I told them I was mistaken, should they bring that up again, or will they call me a liar? Well, they can call me what they want and they can order me not to send any mail like that again, but they cannot take charge of my life and body as if they own it. I’m nobody’s slave. Not even those who don black robes.

Later…

I told Tom that I’m sorry for not believing him all these years about you know what. I’m glad someone, somewhere, showed me the documentation on it. I just wish they’d done it sooner! However, I pointed out to him that I may have been wrong about him doing it on purpose, but I wasn’t wrong about saying it wouldn’t just “go away.” So no, not talking about it won’t “fix it.” It’ll just make it easier for him to ignore it, but here’s the good news - I’d be thrilled for us to ignore it for a good long time. The last thing I want in this sick, crazy, unfair world is to drag a kid into it and in the middle of life’s misery (aside from taking on responsibilities I couldn’t handle). At least right, now and probably for quite a while, this is how I feel. Right now, I don’t think I’ll even want to deal with it, nor my bed problems (my low drive), till way in the future, like when I’m around 40, if ever at all, but we’ll see. Let’s just say that this year and the next are definitely out of the question. He’s very welcome to not cum and not seek help for it for a good long time to come, or maybe even forever.

I forgot to mention that Don said he doubts the black bitch will be there. Bullfuckingshit she won’t be! If she has a right to be there, and I don’t see why she wouldn’t, she’ll be there. She wouldn’t miss it for the world. I just hope this will be the last time I have to be degraded into seeing that sick face! Haven’t I been victimized enough by her and her equally sick associates? So victimized and the courts don’t even know it. Nor do they even know or see this bitch’s true colors. I don’t think they ever wanted to, either.

What Ratsy did earlier was both sweet and sad. The poor thing can barely raise his head now and he’s lost more weight and fur. I don’t think he’s even eating much anymore. He tried pulling himself up out of his door, which I helped him to do since he’s so weak. He sat with me and let me pat him and although it was sweet, it was sad. It’s as if he knows he doesn’t have much time left and so he wants all the love and attention he can get. I’m pretty sure he’ll be gone by the middle of next month.

Helen’s one of those few who like me, isn’t afraid of rats. She said her son had a rat that she got attached to, and it was over two and under three when it died. That’s how old Ratsy is.

I’ve been making “preparations,” so to speak, just in case they do decide to throw me away in jail. For example, I moved the bigger dolls that were on top of the entertainment center that’s in my office so that Tom could use my stereo without worrying about shaking things around and knocking the dolls off if he wanted to use it.

It’s raining out now. Hope no thunder wakes me this weekend. I’ve been waking up every hour as it is just because of all this freeloader stress. Same fucking shit, even worse, than when I had her sitting on my shoulder – the fucking mother-fucking bitch! God, I hope what goes around really does come around! I hope that somehow, somewhere, someday, someone will give this bitch and her partners a taste of their own medicine, but you know what? I doubt it. I seriously doubt it. I don’t believe what comes around goes around for everyone. For some, including myself, but not for all. All I know is I made something very angry up there for rebelling against its “freeloader treatment” it felt I deserved by moving, then by speaking my mind about it.

Anyway, I also left Tom instructions for the best and easiest way to care for the animals, not that he’s this stupid idiot or anything. I asked that he bury Ratsy by Scuttles, cuz if they do toss me away, he’ll most definitely be gone when and if I ever made it out of there. Personally, I think I’d just curl up and die. I’d want to die if I committed some horrible crime and deserved what I got, but to go to jail for this? For this?!?! You bet I’d want to keel over and go belly up. In fact, I wouldn’t mind it right about now. If I was doomed to die at this very moment, as long as it wasn’t going to be a long, drawn-out painful ordeal, I’m ready to go. I’m ready to leave this fucked, unfair world. Just say the word, God, and I won’t rebel or fight you on that one!

I wish I had more guts than I do, cuz then I could hang myself. It isn’t just lack of bravery, though, that’s kept me from doing that up till now - it’s Tom. I live for him, but I wonder just how far I can be pushed before even his pleading for me to live just isn’t enough.

Later…

Here I was thinking that Ratsy wouldn’t make it to the middle of next month. Well, he won’t even make it to the first of it, cuz I just found him dead. I’m too sad now to write anymore.

Saturday, October 28, 2000

Today we buried Ratsy next to Scuttles in the special cemetery. It’s hard to believe he’s gone after over two years. Because of all the rain yesterday, we kept him inside by the back door wrapped in a pretty aqua-colored plastic bag with that neon twine securing it. I’ll miss him. We agreed we’d also get a rat on Monday, as well as mice to breed with, so Houdini can have a roommate. Rats and mice hate living alone.

Lately, I’ve been needing 3mg of Melatonin and a Benadryl to go to sleep, but last night I only needed 1mg of Melatonin cuz I also had 1.5 bottles of wine. It sure is helping to relax me throughout the weekend, but even without being under the influence of wine, as I am now, I’m not the basket case I thought I’d be and oughta be. Maybe it’s cuz of my prayer, maybe it’s cuz Helen’s words are finally sinking in – don’t let them win. Well, they might’ve won long ago, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let the courts bully/intimidate me! You don’t know how tempting it’s gonna be on Monday, no matter what the ruling is, as long as I’m free, to simply up and walk away from the court’s orders. Again, this is a letter sent to someone who harassed me for years. Not some violent act committed against an innocent person. And I’m sick to death of others telling me what to do! The only problem with ignoring them and getting on with my life is that I know they’ll get me for it, and God will make damn sure they do too, just like he made sure they got me on the default warrant I never knew existed. You’d think they’d spend their time pursuing those who are violent, but nope. I’m a woman, I’m the type of person they wouldn’t let “win,” so to speak, and not do what they say, and I couldn’t hide from them forever. Even if I could, God would still send me straight into their eagerly awaiting arms somehow, some way. He’d probably have a cop pull us over when we were going somewhere, for whatever reason, then I’d be trapped. I also doubt there’s a statute of limitations on disobeying court orders. So, although I have no choice but to let them boss me around for the next year, I’ll be damned as I’ve said numerous times, if they’re gonna force me to change my life/body and make me do things that are simply not possible or inappropriate. But as I also said, if they ask the impossible of me, I just won’t do it. It’s that simple. I cannot do the impossible.

Mom sent back a little toy doll for me with Tom yesterday. It’s a plastic doll that’s only a couple of inches in length and probably came with a fast food meal or cereal. It’s a doll in a wheelchair with a sports cap on her head and a lock of hair sticking out in back. I guess it’s a racing wheelchair she’s in.

Sunday, October 29, 2000

Tomorrow will be my final round with these freeloaders, and I’ve decided – that’s it! I have to get on with my life and I’ve had enough! Tomorrow is the last day I do something, go somewhere, or pay money because of the freeloaders. I’m 35, not 15, and my life is my life and I’m gonna run it from now on! Period. No one tells me what to do from here on out, no one! I have to take charge of my own life and live my life for me once and for all. Not what others decide. I’ve had my life run, controlled and dictated enough by individuals and society in general. I’ll see Helen at least for a while longer, and I’ll behave, but damn it, it’s time I took control of my own life and freedom and that’s exactly what I’m going to do!!! I’m breaking free of these fucking freeloaders for once and forever. I will not be their little victim anymore! I can’t stop them from throwing me in jail tomorrow if that’s what they choose to do, but I can ignore them and their unfair, outrageous, inappropriate or even impossible demands. I did my time paying for the freeloaders. No more! And if they can’t handle that and they want to treat me like some common criminal who’s done violence – fine. But they’ll never get me unless they bust their way into here and haul me out. Is this bullshit really worth it to them? Are a letter and a phone call really worth the effort? We shall see, but I’ll be damned if I’ll have judges, probation officers, or anyone, playing Mommy and daddy with me. It would be totally discriminating of them to tell me I had to work just cuz I ain’t got a kid, and guess what? I do work and I intend to keep my job.