#Local raven done goofed

[broadway-ghoul]

Is Uta a kinky bastard or is he being tortured for information? No one knows ^^

[chaptersofnow]

next of the Chapters of now and their siblings

Scroll Flame and their siblings, Losers Weep, Finders Keeper, Crater Crumble

they are the kids of Twilight and Luna

Bios under the cut

Name: Scroll flame Nickname(s): none, doesn't like nicknames Age: 22 Pronouns: They/Them Identity: Agender Butch lesbian crush/relationship: cuursh on colrisia she's trying to get over it, its stupid. shut up Parents: Twilight and Luna Siblings: Looser Weep, Finders keepers, Crater Crumbles Special Talent: memory, writing fast, calligraphy Occupation:  keeping track of records and history as well as taking care of the royal children Chapter of now (element of harmony): Symbol of Charity Artifact: Scroll Flames Writing Pen Location: cantorlot Likes: working hard, smell of ink, calligraphy, orginizing Dislikes: messes, loud noises, ponies who are really huggy and lovey physically Bio: when the elements and darkness went into a slumber to never be heard from again everyone went their own way to start family and discover all they wanted to do. this including spike and twilight. spike traveled and twilight settled into the role of princess of ponyville. then years later spike returns home to the lonely ponyville princess who tended her castle alone. All her friends went off making their own lives. Time went by, twilight's friends were in love, with kids and living their best lives and twilight just felt like there was more for her than being the princess of friendship in a world that no longer feared total darkness and actually strives to follow her ways in friendship on their own. Spike once again was to leave twilight's side to travel and find them self once again. This time with lull in the kingdom of equestria, Twilight joins Spikes in their long travels. Exploring equestria until she was in dragon country. Where, she met a young young Kirin Child who was more dragon than horse. The youngling hadn't parents and had an attitude problem from her upbringing. unable to control her flame she was unwanted by others. To all but Twilight who welcomed her under her wing, giving her a name and home in ponyville. Scroll Flame the young Kirin girl mothered by Twilight and now learning to control her flames. Scroll Flame happily grew up in the large castle with her mother and on the occasions would spend time with the other kids of her mothers friends. however Scroll flame was a very serious kids, not taking to jokes or most fun and enjoying quiet time reading and writing. When Scroll Flame was about four their mother twilight started her relationship with the moon princess Luna, a long long pining friendship. Twilight and Luna came to live together giving scroll flame two of the rowdiest and loudest sibings with Lunas children, Loser and Finder two wild kids created from discords magic as a gift for the once lonely princess. When Scroll flame was 13 a scare in equestria occurred with Darkness returning in great mass to equestria. A hidden bit stored away out of eye sight and gaining power once again until it was strong enough for many years. Twilight and Luna sent their children away to Appleloosa to stay with breaburn and little strongheart, their children and Applejacks and Big macs Kids. a large house FULL of loud children. even with their parents away for over a month to stop the uncoming darkness the kids were loud as ever and Scroll Flame as grumpy. The elements were able to seal away the evil once again, but not without having to give up their powers, as done many many time through history. they know and feared the cycle of the world the darkness will eventually come back and the elements will search out new host. The kids returned home to their parents andyears and years later after everything has settled down, twilight is still married to Luna and loving their four children. Scroll Flame now currently lives in cantorlot castle as the record keeper, event scheduler and all around caretaker of the royal children. working them all on a path to success, becoming a full time adviser after Celestias's trusted personal adviser Raven Stepped down after a scandal with Blueblood. Scroll Flame in current day watched the darkness return in full force once again corrupting the younger princess Princess Ordomia, corrupted from princess of order and balance to Princess Erroria a Broken Character bent on changing all to falsehoods

she being one of the ones to have personally known and worked beside Ordomia was able to help talk her down along side the new elements 

Scroll Flame took on the role of the Element of Charity and begun to study with past elements.

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Name: Losers Weeper Nickname(s): Age: 23 Pronouns: She/Her Identity: Bi cis girl crush/relationship: REALLY close to splat Parents: Twilight and Luna (discord magically created her) Siblings: Finders keepers, Scroll Flame, Crater Crumbles Special Talent: night based magic inherited from mom, small choas magic from discord Occupation: Princess in training Location: cantorlot Likes: jokes!, small cakes, parties!, spying on people Dislikes: long meetings, metal cups, bad textures Bio: After Celestia married and had kids of her own Luna wish for kids of her own, plus getting a kid meant an heir to her throne. Luna claimed to have no luck in the romance department despite the years and YEARS of pining between her and twilight that anyone and everyone knew about. However she seeked out her old friend discord for help on the matter. With his ability to create life at will he created her two children made from her genetic identity and his chaotic magic. Finders Keeper and Losers weeper were created side by side as the children of the night. beloved by their mother Luna and weird uncle Discord. if anyone tries to insulate discord is their father they will visibly gag and say 'ew' because he is their funny uncle and that their mom loves twilight (this embarrassing luna before she and twilight got together) Losers weep and her sibling were created side by side so there was no clear cut 'older' sibling entitled to the throne, which to Luna was preferred. She saw it as a way to protect them from having immediately force one of them onto a path of ruling or having one feel more important than the other. She decided that as time went on both would take on training and which ever ended up taking a shine to the responsibility would take the throne in their own time. When they were a bit older when Luna and Twilight finally married after a very long years of longing and yearning, adding to their family a new Mother and an adoptive sibling Scroll flame, a reserved kirin child who was adopted by twilight not long ago, being just a bit younger that the twins. Later their mothers evened it out with a fourth baby. Weep in current times still acts very childish goofing off often and being generally a night terror with Finders Keepers, however she loves her mother Luna and her grand abilities since she was a young foal. Losers Weep wanted to follow in her footsteps one day and be able to be as cool at her mom, as vigil as she was, the ability to stand strong and mighty in her work in keeping the night safe and quiet for all the dreamers. Weep's dream is to one day inherit the throne, but in the mean time she's happy to take what time she has to goof off and visit with her friends. Losers Weep spends a lot of her time at Club Vibes, Run by the Child of Vinyl Scratch and Octavia, Evening Fun. Weeps other bestest friend is Splat, the child of roaming entertainers Applejack, Pinkie pie and Rara. they travel all over equestria entertaining and selling baked goods to many. So Splat doesn't get to stay in one places for long, but when she visits Cantorlot they party hard! To Losers weep's delight in a funny way, after the corruption and redemption of Princess Ordomia after she was taken over by darkness forcing new elements to take their roles, her dear friend splat was chosen and is now moving to Cantorlot to learn under her own mother pinkie pie in the ways of her role.

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Name: Finders Keepers Nickname(s): Age: 22 Pronouns: They/Them, He/Him Identity: Nonbinary gay man crush/relationship: Parents: Twilight and Luna (discord created her) Siblings: Losers Weepers, Scroll Flame, Crater Crumbles Special Talent: chaotic magic from discord and slight night magic Occupation: local goobus, prince in training Location: cantorlot Likes: trinkets, props, painting, acting and dancing Dislikes: sugary stuff, school, long travels Bio: After Celestia married and had kids of her own Luna wish for kids of her own, plus getting a kid meant an heir to her throne. Luna claimed to have no luck in the romance department despite the years and YEARS of pining between her and twilight that anyone and everyone knew about. However she seeked out her old friend discord for help on the matter. With his ability to create life at will he created her two children made from her genetic identity and his chaotic magic. Finders Keeper and Losers weeper were created side by side as the children of the night. beloved by their mother Luna and weird uncle Discord. if anyone tries to insulate discord is their father they will visibly gag and say 'ew' because he is their funny uncle and that their mom loves twilight (this embarrassing luna before she and twilight got together) Finders keepers and their sibling were created side by side so there was no clear cut 'older' sibling entitled to the throne, which to Luna was preferred. She saw it as a way to protect them from having immediately force one of them onto a path of ruling or having one feel more important than the other. She decided that as time went on both would take on training and which ever ended up taking a shine to the responsibility would take the throne in their own time. When they were a bit older when Luna and Twilight finally married after a very long years of longing and yearning, adding to their family a new Mother and an adoptive sibling Scroll flame, a reserved kirin child who was adopted by twilight not long ago, being just a bit younger that the twins. Later their mothers evened it out with a fourth baby. Finder in current days is the biggest goof ball in the world, even more than his sister Losers weep. Everyone in town knows him when they see him and he's considers them all his friends. Despite often using his powers to be a harmless nuisance that can get on other ponies nerves. He's very good at sneaking away and finding every hidden nook and cranny to explore and the only ones who can ever find him or his siblings. His favorite time of the week is when him and Losers Weep get to go out to to Club Vibe, owned by the child of Vinyl Scratch and Octavia, Evening Fun. You can always find him taking up room with his big lanky body on the dance floor wiggling it out.

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Name: Crater Crumbles Nickname(s): Milky, dusty Age: 14 Pronouns: She/Her Identity: Not sure yet! probably a bi girl crush/relationship: Parents: Twilight and Luna Siblings: Losers Weepers, Finders Keepers, Scroll Flame Special Talent: Astrology Occupation: Princess, student Location: cantorlot Likes: Cookies and milk, warm baths, summer nights Dislikes: tangled hair, early wake up calls, playing alone Bio: Fourth and youngest kid to Luna and Twilight. a sweetheart of a kid with the loud voice of luna and the fun fact random trivia from twilight. She's as sweet as smores and dearly cared for by her family. No one can deny she's the pampered baby of the family even Scroll Flame can't help spoiler her. She's a bit younger and hasn't taken to learning princess stuff and is happy going to public school and playing with her friends. Crumbles is pretty smart for her age but she can tell you some obscure weird fact on just about any every subject that is brought up. She also will tell you your horoscope weather you asked for it or not, if you not looking to hear it you can't let her know your birthday. Crumbles is a very quirky kid.

[imagine-loki]

The Slutty Webs One Weaves

Title : The Slutty Webs one Weaves

Chapter NO. 2 of 10?

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki’s Asgardian wife learns women write fanfiction about him on a trip to Midgard. She’s edgy for the duration and lets him have it when they get back.

Author: lokilover9

Rating: M

Notes: Hello everyone. I will get to writing another chapter of Irked, but for now, here’s a mini crack fic. Should be good for a laugh or two.

When Loki and Astrid entered their vehicle in the Towers underground, he opened portal, exiting in the woods on Staten Island and she pouted.

"Not hiking again, Loki. Skunks are mean."

He tisked. "Bushy tailed scoundrels. I did warn you to keep away."

"I thought it was cute. Where are we?"

"A dumping location of one golden eyed jester. No matter." He conjured a cabin and opened its door. "Still wish to get naked?"

They fucked for hours until Astrid lay spent, resembling a deflating blow up doll.

"Dress now my lovely? I'll gather your belongings from the truck."

With her brain afloat in subspace, she hazily replied. "Yes Master." *****

They entered Asgard and Heimdall arched a brow at her bedraggled appearance. "Welcome back, my lady."

"Midgardians make edible panties."

Loki scooped her into his arms. "Nothing a good slumber can't fix. Ta ta, jester." He chuckled upon pulling a key from his pocket when undressing. "I dare to ponder your predicament before realizing this missing, Cootyoodles." *****

Weeks passed while down on Midgard, several burglaries had occurred in rich homes around New Jersey. Only cash was ever stolen, yet the thieves exceptional skill at avoiding detection was a growing concern.

Pepper and Tony sat watching the news.

~ "Another burglary in Jersey last night left police no closer to identifying a suspect. More at eleven." ~

"Didn't the thiefasaurous make a peanut butter and banana sandwich at the last house,? I'd love to know how they're hacking the security cameras. Clever bastard."

"Could be a woman, but definitely a pro."

"There's an erotic vision. You dressed as a bandit, searching a homeowner's porn reserve while snickering at their amatuer bondage supplies."

"Why risk imprisonment? Were the porn in your 'Butch's Bitch' file dvd's, they'd line a path from here to Miami."

"Ooooh, does that mean we're on the same page?"

"Mmm..no. You're horny and I'm craving nachos. Please unravel yourself from my thigh?"

Stark playfully gnawed on it. "And if I don't? What then, Mistress?" He obeyed when the lights flickered and Jarvis announced a security breach. "Speaking of bandits, ours is an Alien God breaking a promise."

"Jarvis never detected him before."

"Likely an impish forewarning attempt. I'd bet a thousand he's hoping I'm shackled to the coffee table, sucking a rubber cock for his own amusement."

'Note to self.' Thought Pepper. 'Add to 'to do' list.' "What makes you think him so savage?"

"Loki's a sexual deviant."

"Oh?"

'Blabbermouth. Now she's intrigued.' "Everything back to normal, Jarvis?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Told ya and I know just where to find the prick." Tony stepped onto the sixtieth floor to find it minimally illuminated by the moon. "Nice touch, Snowflake. A prelude to another smug entrance? Consider it your last." When met with silence, he angrily strolled to the rooms center. "Show yourself! NOW!"

More silence, except for the hum of the approaching elevator.

"Huh. Never pegged you for a coward." Tony didn't intend to fight Loki. Merely to end their friendship, while emphasizing the seriousness of his boundaries being overstepped.

The intruder judged otherwise.

The door slid open and from behind the bar, came a sphere of light travelling at warp speed, making a whooshing sound as it encompassed his suit pieces, halting their pursuit, then dropping them to the floor in a clanging heap.

Stark sat crouched on his knees, enthralled by a figure slowly emerging from the shadows.

"I am not a coward Iron M..Man."

He lurched forward and the swaying soul fell limp in his arms as the rooms lights flickered on. "What the hell?" Moments later, he rushed off the elevator to a shocked Pepper. "Meet our intruder."

"A child???"

"Surprise?"

She offered a warm cloth as he timed the wee souls pulse. "Heart rates good."

"Who…"

"Didn't get a name." Clad in males clothing a size too big and a snug fitting Captain America cap, the child was filthy. Upon removing it, a mass of knotted, raven hair fell over his arm.

"He's a she?"

"Apparently." Desperate to rouse her, Tony kept talking, while wiping her face. "Can you hear me, kid? Come on, wake up." His actions revealed flawless, alabaster skin, high cheekbones, a perfect nose and overly pink lips. Her fingers were long and slender, as were her limbs and the more he looked at her, everything began to click. "If her eyes are green, someone has some 'splaining to do, Lucy."

The girl stirred, scrambled from his lap, bolted across the room and halted in a battle stance, fists raised, brows furrowed and her piercing green eyes, wildly darting between him and Pepper.

He slowly rose, arms in the surrender position. "Easy, Little Warrior. We won't hurt you."

"Where's my hat?" She sternly demanded.

Tony slid it across the floor and she planted it sideways on her head, sloppily tucked her hair inside and returned to battle stance. "Liar! I came to you for help and was almost attacked!"

"My goof, kid. Ya scared me. What's your name?"

"Brianna. It means strong, virtuous and honorable."

"Perfect for a female warrior. A brave one too."

Pepper cut in. "Hi Brianna, I'm..."

"Virginia Potts, born September 27nth, 1972 in Arlington, Virginia, CEO of Stark Industries and one badass role model. Nice to meet you."

She smiled. "Ditto. Are you injured at all?"

The girls fists lowered. "No, just hungry and exhausted."

"Unacceptable." Said Tony. "What can we get ya?"

"A peanut butter and banana sandwich?" They threw it together and she wolfed it down with a glass of milk. "Have any tater tots?"

"Sure do. Brianna, is there anyone we should call?"

Her scowl returned and an unseen force, swiftly elevated their phones, suspending them inches below the twenty foot ceiling. "Mom's awal, and Daddy's unknown. Alert anyone of my whereabouts and after escaping their captivity, I'll return 'undetected' to enact revenge."

"O-kaaay. Any ideas on the spunk doner, Virginia?"

"Really, Tony?"

"Just sayin'. We promise not to alert anyone without your permission kid, if first, I get a promise or two in return."

"You dare making commands knowing what I'm capable of?"

"Hear me out, Little Warrior. Please?"

She chomped into a tater tot. "I'm listening."

"I've some questions."

"You can ask, but don't expect answers for every one. What else?"

"You stay a while. At least until finding a Tower to call your own."

"No way, Jose. I'm the restless type."

"A month then?"

Stark played the puppy eyes card as Brianna sized him up like a scheming Clint Eastwood might a brazen saloon patron.

"A week and we take it from there."

"Deal."

Once their phones safely landed, she asked to use the bathroom. Pepper lead her to a guest room and was stopped at the door. "Thanks. A little privacy, please?"

After it closed, Tony snuck into the hall and quietly relayed of first encountering the girl. "It's irrefutable. That's Loki's mini me in there."

"Her powers are undeniably similar, but without a paternity test..."

"And how do we achieve that? Shimmy up the bifrost and demand Prince Jezebel see a phlebotomist? Fuck, if they're not related, where 'did' she come from? Maybe we're being invaded by the real Body Snatchers."

"Who've begun with a child in a Captain America hat, they specifically sent here?"

"Have any better conclusions? I suspect she's the burglar too."

"Why, because they like the same sandwich?"

"Think, Butch. If she can break in here, houses are a piece of cake."

"Think, Cootyoodles. Even with powers to hack security systems, how does a child that young burglarize nine houses without being seen, heard or leaving behind any dna?"

"Never underestimate your opponent." As Tony rambled on about examples, she seemed distant. "Butch?"

"I just realized something. Brianna said her Mom was awal. We're avid news watchers and there hasn't been a local Amber Alert for months. What if she isn't looking for her? What if no one is?"

"Perhaps we're both getting carried away and Brianna's…a special breed of Leprechaun that eats feet. We sleep in my suit boots and problem solved."

Pepper smirked. "What exactly happened to you in space? Stay here while I check on her?" Soon she called to him in a whisper. "Come look at your opponent."

Stark's real heart melted when seeing Brianna asleep in the large tub. A bath towel covered her little body and another lay folded beneath her head. "Poor kid. I'll move her to the bed."

"No don't, Tony. I think she crawled in there to feel safe." *****

In the morning, they found an open box of Count Chocula cereal beside a dirty bowl in the kitchen.

"I hadn't opened that yet."

Pepper yawned. "And?"

"It's half empty."

"Awesome. If she's anything like you jacked up on sugar, please hide it?"

He popped a handful into his mouth. "I thought you liked my inner child?"

"Not when he's Dash from the Incredibles. What's that noise?"

"I'll go look." Stark opened Brianna's door to a six inch knife whizzing towards it. "Morn..WHOA!" He closed it within an inch as she aimed another. "DROP the weapon, Little Warrior!"

She casually tossed it onto the bed. "'Sup?"

"'Sup?!? Those aren't toys, young lady! You could've removed half my face!"

"Nah, my aims too polished. See for yourself."

Pepper arrived to find him gawking at the wall. "Hi Brianna. Tony?"

"Iron Man's upset 'cause I short circuited his Arc Reactor."

"Kinda. Feast your eyes on why, Virginia."

A wooden cutting board hung centimeters from the door frame, impaled by eight knives and Brianna sighed. "I'd almost made a perfect x, until interrupted."

"Hey, I knocked..once."

"But didn't wait for permission to enter."

"Let's not argue, hm? Coffee's done, Tony. Would you like a bath, Brianna?"

"With bubbles?"

"Raspberry Sorbet, scented."

Butch later regretted leaving behind the bottle as Little Warrior had a blast, pouncing into the mountainous sea of bubbles the Jacuzzi's jets summoned and soaking the floor. After loaning her a small t shirt and a pair of leggings she secured around her waist, she watched in amazement as like with their phones, an unseen force carefully lowered the cutting board into the girls awaiting arms.

"Ready, Badass."

"Call me Pepper, please?"

"Sure."

Once in the kitchen, Tony learned of her trick. "Just another checkmark on the growing listy poo of spunky d' evidence, Virginia. Thanks kid, I'll take that." The board seemed super glued to the island as he tried apprehending it. "Make that two checkmarks."

The silverware drawer opened, nudging his butt, as Brianna climbed onto a stool with a mischievous smirk and hovered a fist over the knives. "Scooch your booty, or be turned into swiss cheese." Her hand opened, releasing a pea sized light that burst into a mist with the snap of her fingers. As she slid back, it encompassed only the board, individually plucked each knife from its surface, neatly steered them into the drawer and vanished after it closed.

Tony's mind was projecting a vision of Loki on a cheesy, 70's era game show, its animated host announcing; "Our grand prize winner, ladies and gentlemen! The willy nilly, cock weilding, Prince Jezebelll!"

Brianna's voice silenced the fanfare. "I promise not to play with knives anymore."

"Erm..that's great. About those questions, kid."

"Shoot."

"Why the target practice?"

"Saw it on tv once. It kills boredom."

'And a charging rhinoceros, no doubt.' "These balls of light…"

"I call them my magic and maneuvered this one slower, to give you an idea of how they work. Neat, huh?"

"Very and the one used on my suit?"

"Nothing special."

"How do you create them and the unseen force?"

"Classified."

"Have you greater abilities?"

"Enough to make David Copperfield seem a quack."

"How did you break into my tower?"

"Top Secret."

"How did you get here?"

"Walking, buses, taxis, trains and one bicycle."

"By yourself?"

"Mostly."

"How long was your trip?"

"Nine days."

"How did you afford it?"

"My allowance."

"Why the boys clothing?"

"You already know."

"Where are you from?"

"Are you done insulting me?"

He froze. "Excuse me?"

"Nearly every question, except number 5, were tests to see if I'd slip up and surpass revealing the basics. Magic aside, you're trying to assess my intelligence, so here's some insight. Every response minus 'target practice', was either a lie, or half truth. Why? I am never going home and therefore will never reveal more about myself than I decide necessary. If that's unacceptable, tell me now, I'll thank you for the hospitality and be on my way. Oh, and the ball used on your suit? It was bigger, faster, and more powerful out of necessity."

The only person Tony felt might know more about Brianna was Thor, but couldn't risk breaking his promise. She was brilliant, yet seemingly naive to the constant danger she was in. Iron Man would protect her, whilst awaiting further guidance from wherever the cosmos were plotting to chuck it. The heavens, perhaps? The tooth fairy? Captain Kangaroo?

"We'd much prefer you stayed." Said Pepper. "Please don't be angry with Tony? It's difficult not to think of how frantic we'd be if our child went missing."

Brianna's face softened for merely a second, before she re poised herself. "You would?..Look, I'm a survivor, so don't bother worrying about me. May I make my request now?"

"Please do, Little Warrior."

"Your fellow Avenger, Thor. Do you trust him?"

'All this for the God of Thunder?' Thought Stark. "With my life. Is he your favorite and you'd like an autograph, or a picture together?"

"Don't have a favorite Avenger. Just need you introduce us."

'Wut?' "I could, but that means alerting him you're here."

"If you trust him, I trust him."

"I'm grateful for your faith in me. He'll ask why?"

"I need him to set up a second meeting with is brother, Loki."

And there was Tony's guidance. A beam of light, trailing from the realm of Asgard, down through Earth's clouds and settling on P.J.'s prodigy, igniting her aglow.

"Eh he. Why not? Nothin' like those warm and fuzzy feelings amongst kin, right Virginia? Pardon me ladies. Cootyoodles has a call to make and a suit to tweak."

Brianna giggled. "Who gave Iron Man that name?"

"A friend, but he prefers Tony. Feel like watching a movie with a badass role model?"

"Okay, but none of that fairy tail, princessy stuff. Ever see Bram Stoker's Dracula?"

"Isn't that violent for someone your age?"

"Nope and guuurl, what a love story. The blood and guts are awesome too."

[queertazsecretsanta]

A gift for @tobytrashoftrash, created by @primatechnosynthpop!

Some Kravitz/Taako/Magnus for you! Enjoy!

~~

The sun was sinking low in the horizon, casting a dazzling array of soft pinks and purples and oranges across the sky. Down on the ground, a fresh dusting of snow coated the landscape. Although the view of the outdoors was obscured by frost on the classroom windows, it was clear that it was shaping up to be a beautiful evening. Taako's students squirmed in their seats as he ran through the final magic lesson of the semester, and he had to admit that he was getting pretty antsy as well. The sooner he wrapped things up and sent everyone home, the sooner he could finally finish his long-overdue Candlenights shopping.

"…And so you move your casting implement like this," he addressed the crowd of fidgety students, swishing the prop wand he used for class demonstrations. "And just like that, you can whip yourself up a tasty holiday treat! This spell can be a real lifesaver sometimes--like when Susan promised to bring desserts to your Candlenights party and then flaked out at the last moment, just as an example."

He cast a glance at the clock mounted on the wall behind him. The hour hand was gradually approaching the 3, although the minute hand was lagging behind between the 8 and the 9. Eh, what the hell, he thought. Close enough.

"Okay, it's time to head home," he said, clapping his hands together and putting on a big theatrical grin. "Remember what I've taught you and, uh, don't party too hard? Nah, scratch that, party as hard as you want. See you on the flipside!"

At that, he heard a faint whoop from toward the back of the classroom, although he wasn't sure which one of his students it was. With a bemused smile, he tucked his prop wand into his purse, which he slung over his shoulder while his students gathered up their own supplies and jumped out of their seats. He hung back for a moment, giving his students the chance to file out first, but didn't lag behind for too long. He had places to go too, after all.

Immediately upon stepping outside, Taako was caught off guard by just how low the temperature had already dropped. It had been hovering around zero degrees celsius earlier that day, but judging by the way the wind nipped at his ears, that number had significantly dropped since then. Fighting back a shiver, he zipped up the winter coat which Kravitz had insisted he wear despite how dorky it looked and stuffed his hands in the pockets. The hood was a little cumbersome to fit around his ears, but he put it up nonetheless. He then scurried down the walkway away from his school as fast as possible. Kravitz was still at work, which of course meant that Lup and Barry were still working as well, and Magnus was probably out doing some shopping of his own, so this would have to be a solo mission. It was more convenient that way, really; shopping alone meant that nobody could peek at what Taako was buying for them.

A few metres down the sidewalk, his stone of farspeech crackled to life in his purse, broadcasting a loud but muffled voice. Without slowing down his brisk pace, Taako took the stone out and held it up to his ear to hear better.

"Hey, Taako," Magnus's projected voice greeted him. "I've finished carving Kravitz's present, so if you wanted to come home and put some enchantments on it or whatever, this would be a good time."

"Sorry, Mags, it'll have to wait," Taako replied. "Making friends was a mistake, because I've got a billion fucking people to get gifts for and today is the last day before all the shops are gonna be closed for the holidays. I'll get home as soon as I can, though," he added. "Love you, bye."

He turned the stone off and tucked it back into his purse just as he approached the store that would be his first place of interest: HMV (the store name, of course, stood for "Handy Magic Valuables"). Inside, the shelves were looking pretty bare as a crowd of shoppers milled around, filling the shop with a dull rabble that thankfully drowned out the chipper holiday tunes playing over the intercom. He made a beeline for the Kenny Chesney records and selected one he was pretty sure Merle didn't already own, then perused the selection of kid's movies, scanning the shelves for the flick Angus had mentioned wanting to own. The kids' section in particular was already pretty thoroughly picked clean, and for a moment he was afraid that the item he was after was already sold out, but upon glancing one aisle over his eyes landed on a copy of Detective Pikachu haphazardly tucked in amongst a bunch of remastered classic horror movies. While he was looking at that particular selection, he picked out the cheesiest-looking one he could find (something about a ghost shark that looked like it had been made on the budget of two cents and some pocket lint) as a gift for Barry. In the checkout line, he picked out some novelty socks with a rude saying on them for Lup.

After leaving HMV, he headed over to Fantasy Home Depot to pick up some stuff for Hurley and Sloane. On the way, he got another stone of farspeech call, this time from Kravitz.

"Hello?"

"Hi, babe, it's me," Kravitz said--he insisted on introducing himself that way no matter how much Taako made fun of him for it. "The Raven Queen is letting us off work early for the holiday, so I'm calling to let you know I'm coming home a bit early."

"Can she do that?" Taako asked.

"Well, she is a goddess, so she can do whatever she pleases."

"Yeah, I guess that tracks. So," he said in his least suspicious tone possible, "Are you home yet, or…?"

"Not just yet, but I'm about to head home." Kravitz paused, and when he spoke up again, there was a teasing note to his voice. "Why, are you and Magnus planning something you don't want me to know about?"

Taako bit back a string of curses, instead setting for grinding his teeth even though everybody and their goldfish told him it was an unhealthy habit. Yes, in fact, Magnus had set aside a half-hour every day for over a month to carve Kravitz a brand-new piano. Taako, meanwhile, had been scoping out all the local pet stores, planning to surprise Kravitz with a new cat and Magnus with a new dog (in addition to the Candlenights feast he cooked for both his boyfriends every year). Sure, it was a pretty big investment, but Taako's financial situation was better than his younger self could ever have dreamed--and besides, even if that wasn't the case, it would still be worth it to see the looks on his boyfriends' faces. He had no idea what if anything Kravitz was planning for Magnus, and what either of them were planning to do for him; his boyfriends were surprisingly adept at keeping secrets from him, probably because they knew him better than the average person.

"Um, no, we're not planning anything in particular," he lied. "But I'm actually out doing some shopping, so if you want to come rendezvous with me at Fantasy Home Depot, maybe we can pick out some gifts together. How's that sound?"

As soon as the words left his mouth, he bit back another even louder string of curses. Shit, no, he can't be with me when I head over to the pet store!

"Um, scratch that," he added before Kravitz could say anything in response. "I actually just remembered that I left my, er, my scarf at the school. So if you could pop over there and see if you can find it, that would be great. Okay, love you, bye!"

He cut the call off in a hurry as he headed into Fantasy Home Depot. On previous years, this had been his destination when it came to shopping for Magnus, and for Kravitz he had usually gotten some sort of novelty item shaped like a skull. It was amazing how the same goof landed every year; he almost wondered if Kravitz would be disappointed not to receive a skull-shaped drinking glass or lawn ornament or whatever this year.

He had already bought a new compass for Davenport and a glitzy novelty ornament for Lucretia, and Ren had insisted that she didn't need any gifts (although he still planned to prepare a special tray of sweets as a gift for her, that still meant he didn't have to buy anything for her aside from maybe a couple of baking ingredients). Once he had picked up the power tool and canister of engine oil that the battlewagon racers had requested, the only shopping he had left came in the form of two fuzzy little companions for the men he loved.

~~

When Magnus had taken it upon himself in mid November to start carving a grand piano from scratch, he had been pretty sure he wouldn't get it done in time for Candlenights. Two weeks into the project, when it had just been a big old block of wood hidden away in his workshop with what barely seemed like an indent in it, he had made a secretive late-night trip up to the Fantasy Bargain Shop and bought a skull-shaped lamp as a backup gift in case things fell through. Now, though, as he stepped back to admire the product of his work--a flawlessly carved grand piano, varnished and freshly painted black--his chest swelled with the pride of a job well done. Now all he had to do was check on Taako's gift to make sure everything was in order, and they'd be good to go.

Just as Magnus turned to leave his workshop, he heard the distinctive ripple noise of one of Kravitz's portals opening upstairs. He scrambled for a sheet big enough to cover the piano and hastily tugged it into place, making sure the gift was sufficiently hidden before heading upstairs to greet him.

"Hey, Krav! How was work today?" he asked, running up to Kravitz and giving him a clap on the back. "Taako is out doing some shopping right now, so he probably won't be home for a while."

"Yes, so he told me," Kravitz said, a note of something like irritation in his voice. "He also told me that he had accidentally left his scarf at his magic school, but I looked all over the place and didn't see any such thing. And wouldn't you know it…" He swiveled his head towards the dining room; Magnus followed his gaze to see Taako's scarf draped over the back of a chair. "Do you suppose he was trying to delay my coming home for some reason?"

"Could be," Magnus said with a shrug. It was only after he had spoken that he realized that was definitely Taako's motivation, probably to prevent Kravitz from seeing the piano. He repeated his shrug with a little more emphasis, then laid a hand on Kravitz's shoulder and gently guided his line of sight towards the fridge. "So, I was wondering if those liquor candies Merle gave us were any good," he said. "Why don't we get into them and see for ourselves?"

"Your restraint truly knows no bounds," Kravitz said, flashing him a teasing smile. "But I really would like to know why Taako wanted me out of the house so badly."

"Um, could be that he was embarrassed by how dirty it is," Magnus said. "We haven't had time to do much cleaning, you know. So we're gonna be real busy tomorrow if we want to have anyone over."

Even as he spoke he internally winced at how unconvincing a lie it was--if only Taako himself was there to think of a good cover. (Or he could just tell him the truth, he supposed, but that would ruin the effect and he really did want the piano to be a surprise.) Sure enough, Kravitz didn't exactly seem convinced; he crossed his arms and arched an eyebrow at Magnus.

"I live here, darling. You think our boyfriend would lock us out for such a reason? Back when I first met him and he was more guarded, maybe, but even then--"

"Or it could be a different reason," Magnus interjected, blurting the words out a bit more loudly than necessary. "We just don't know! But, for real," he added, "Don't worry about it. I promise you, it is nothing to worry about. On a completely unrelated note, welcome home, but please don't look in my workshop."

"Why, what's in the workshop?" Kravitz asked. "Other than that piano you've been carving, of course. Tell me, is it a gift for someone? Of course you know that I don't play piano, only the violin and the occasional woodwind instrument, but…"

He kept talking, but his words didn't reach Magnus's ears; his brain completely shut down for several seconds upon hearing the piano mentioned in such casual terms. When all of what Kravitz was saying caught up with him, his blood froze over. Shit. Fuck. Goddamn it. He knew about his surprise gift? Had known about it basically the whole time? And what's more, he didn't even want it as a gift--wouldn't have any use for it! Even beyond the matter of Magnus's hard work potentially going to waste, what was he going to get for Kravitz now? (He still had no clue what Taako was planning to get for either of them, so even if he did run out and get something now, it may well end up being the same thing Taako had bought for him and he really didn't want to repeat the fiasco of two years ago, when he and Kravitz had both bought Taako the exact same brand of confectioners' sugar.)

"Um, if you'll excuse me," he interjected, grabbing his stone of farspeech off the coffee table in a swift and hopefully not too obvious motion. "I need to go check the mailbox."

With that, he darted outside into the cold winter air, slamming the door shut behind him before Kravitz could respond. His back pressed against the door, he bent over to catch his breath. The cool air stung at his throat as he panted, and his exhales curled up in front of him in little puffs of white, the same colour as the snow. Once his heart had settled back down into its proper spot in his ribcage, he dialed Taako's number on his stone. Luckily, Taako picked up almost immediately, answering with a casual "Yeah?"

"Oh, Taako, this is bad," Magnus hissed, glancing through the window to make sure Kravitz wasn't listening in. "Kravitz knows about the piano I carved for him, and he says he doesn't want it as a gift! Well, he didn't directly say that, but he told me he doesn't play the piano, so he couldn't use it even if we did give it to him. What should I do? Are you almost home?"

"Oh, shit, that's tough," Taako said, letting out a low whistle. Magnus could picture him wincing and adjusting his hat, if he was wearing it--although a glance inside through the window revealed his signature wizard hat hung up on a hook next to his cloak of the manta ray, so perhaps he was going hatless that day. "Um, I'm still not gonna be home for a few minutes, so hang in there 'till I get back, okay?"

"Wait, babe, don't hang up yet," Magnus pleaded. "He's your boyfriend too, remember? Don't you want him to be happy with the gift he gets?"

"Course I do," Taako replied. "That's why I'm out picking up something for him right now. And listen, Maggie, I'm sure Krav won't hold it against you if you just end up giving him a hairbrush with a skull decal on it."

"You know, that's funny; I was just about to ask if I should give him the skull lamp," Magnus said.

Then he paused, listening to the background noise on Taako's side of the call. It sounded like he was in a pretty busy shop--of course, all the shops would be busy right about then--but the weird part was that he could hear what he swore was barking. Quite a lot of barking. And maybe some meowing and other noises too? Brows furrowing, Magnus pressed the stone directly against his ear so he could hear better.

"Hey, you're not at a pet store or anything, are you?" he asked.

"Just here to admire the exotic birds," Taako said. "Listen, though, I've really got to stop lollygagging around here at this pet store that I'm not buying anything from, and head on into the other store next door, which sells other non-pet stuff that I'm gonna buy. Catch you later."

Although Magnus grumbled to himself, initially discouraged when Taako ended the call, his boyfriend's words quickly gave him an idea. Tucking his stone away in his pocket, he stepped off the back porch out into the yard, where Taako and Kravitz had hung up several birdfeeders (he had carved some of said birdfeeders himself, and yet the storebought ones always seemed to be the most popular, which plagued him with irritation). It was too cold out for the yard to exactly be bustling--for once there wasn't a squirrel to be seen--but a few ravens were hopping around at the bases of the birdfeeders. Locking his eyes onto one of the birds, Magnus dropped into a crouching position. It was time to put some of his rogue training to use.

~~

By the time Taako finally got home, Kravitz was anxious enough that he jumped at the sound of the doorbell. From downstairs, he heard Magnus yell "I'll get it!" followed by the sound of his footsteps thundering upstairs. In that time, Kravitz had already come to the door; he held it open for Taako as he walked inside without even stopping to kick the snow off his boots first. Taako carried two shopping bags in each hand, and he was balancing a large box with holes in them under each arm. Kravitz regarded his boyfriend with mild concern as he staggered inside and set down first the boxes, with an unexpected gentleness, and then the shopping bags. Stooped over all his purchased goods, Taako's torso heaved with the weight of exhausted breaths.

"Are you alright, love?" Kravitz asked, unsure whether to chuckle or be worried. "It looks like you've done a lot of shopping."

"Yeah, no shit," Taako wheezed. Then, straightening up and wiping sweat off his brow: "So, have you got everybody checked off your list yet? Cause judging by how the shops were looking, you've got about ten minutes before the whole city is completely sold out."

"No, I've already got all my holiday shopping taken care of," Kravitz said (he had given his fellow reapers their gifts at a holiday party the week before, and the presents he planned to give his boyfriends weren't exactly the kind of things you could find at a store). "Do you need help putting these away?"

He cautiously bent down, reaching for one of the shopping bags. Taako made no move to prevent him from grabbing it, so he took it as a sign that the contents of the bag (a large drill tool and a vinyl record) weren't for him. He set about putting the items away while Taako caught his breath. Nothing in the bags was particularly heavy, so he guessed that the heavy things must have been the boxes. He circled back to try to grab one of them, but Taako's gaze snapped up at that and he moved to stand between Kravitz and the boxes.

"Sorry, Krav, this stuff's off-limits right now," he said. Then, glancing over his shoulder at the two boxes: "Although… hmm, how would you and Maggie feel about opening your gifts right now? That's probably make a few things easier."

"Oh, that's a great idea!"

Magnus's exclamation from behind them made Kravitz jump; he hadn't realized he had come upstairs. Turning to look at him, he appeared to be hiding something behind his back, and was hopping from foot to foot with a big nervous grin.

"I mean, only if you guys want to, of course," he added quickly.

An odd noise almost like a squeak sounded from somewhere in the room, although Kravitz couldn't tell where it was coming from--behind Magnus's back? From inside one of the boxes? Maybe even… no, surely not both. Kneeling between the two boxes, Taako glanced between them, making a soft anxious clicking sound. Kravitz raised his eyebrows but didn't comment. He had a building suspicious as to what at least one of the gifts Taako and Magnus had was, but he hoped he was wrong considering what his own gifts to then were. It would make it rather redundant, and more pertinently, they simply couldn't afford to support that many…

"Yeah, that sounds like a plan," Taako said, interrupting his train of thought. "What do you say, Krav?"

"Er, yes, that's fine," Kravitz said, flashing Taako a smile. "Let's get right to it, then."

"I've actually got my gifts for you two right here," Magnus said--yep, definitely hiding something behind his back, and there was an odd strain to his motion as he stepped forward that suggested he was having trouble holding onto it. "I was originally going to give Kravitz something else, but that didn't work out, so I kind of had to improvise, but considering your whole grim reaper deal I think you'll like it."

"Didja get him some skull trinket?" Taako asked. "Cause, hey, that's my job!"

"Huh? No, this is something different," Magnus replied. Neither of them seemed bothered by the fact that this exchange was transpiring directly in front of Kravitz himself. "Anyway, um… on three?"

"Hold on," Kravitz interjected. "I need to open a portal to the astral plane first."

Ignoring the others' bewildered reactions, he summoned his scythe into his hand and swished it through the air in a broad but purposeful stroke. A rippling hole in the fabric of space-time opened up before him, through which he could see the vast expanse of the world beyond. Bending down, he patted his knee and whistled into the opening. Somewhere amidst the inky blackness, two undead being perked up their heads and scampered over towards him. It hadn't been easy talking the Raven Queen into letting Kravitz give his boyfriends undead creatures for Candlenights, but he was certain that the payoff would all be worth it once he showed them the skeletal pets.

"There, now," Kravitz cooed to the skeletal dog and cat standing before him. He gently scooped them up into his arms, then closed the rift so as not to let anything else in or out. "Alright, on three, you said? Three, two, one--"

He turned around, skeletons in hand, to see Taako opening the boxes and Magnus revealing what he'd been keeping behind his back.

There was a beat as the three men stared at each other, their initial expectant grins at each other quickly fading. In Taako's corner, a greyhound puppy waddled out of the box on the left, and a sleek tuxedo cat stepped out of the box on the right. Magnus, meanwhile, held a raven in one hand and what looked like some kind of a strange weasel in the other. He and Magnus both slowly lowered their acquisitions to the floor, where the skeletal animals and the living ones all scampered toward each other and began sniffing each other--aside from the raven, which hopped over to Kravitz without wasting any time. He recognized it as one of the ravens who frequented their backyard; those corvids always had taken as interest in him, and the feeling had been mutual even before Kravitz had begun serving under the Raven Queen. The flesh cat trotted over towards him as well, while the skeletal one gravitated towards Taako and hopped up onto his lap. The weasel-like creature (maybe it was a mongoose?) followed it, albeit with a bit more caution. Both dogs practically charged towards Magnus, and he let out a delighted laugh as they jumped up at him. He fell back, allowing himself to be bowled over; Taako looked up from scratching the skeleton cat behind its spectral ears to give him a fond smile.

"Well," he sighed, "I guess we should've checked with each other first."

"Indeed, this is certainly… well, it's a lot," Kravitz agreed. The cat headbutted his leg as if to agree, or maybe to argue. "Although I must say, I do appreciate the thought."

They looked over at Magnus, who was rolling on his back with laughter and letting the dogs clamber on top of him and slobber all over his face. Taako grimaced at all the dog saliva, and the mongoose (which had now hopped up onto his lap) chittered with disapproval.

"Gonna be hard to look after them all," Taako went on as the mongoose scurried up his arm and onto his shoulder, and the skeleton cat curled up into a ball in his lap and started purring. "I mean, I bought food and supplies for the flesh boys, natch--" He nodded toward the cat at Kravitz's side and the greyhound pup, which was now sitting down directly on top of Magnus and licking him on the nose. "--And I dunno if these bone babies of yours are gonna need much upkeep… but still, it just seems like a lot, right?"

"It is a lot, is the thing," Magnus agreed from his position underneath the dogs. His hands didn't falter from petting them for even a second. "Probably impractical to keep them all, right?"

"Not to mention how dirty the house will get," Kravitz agreed. "Cleaning will be a nightmare with six animals running around…"

He looked down at the raven perched on his leg, and was met with a pang of surprise at the discovery that he was stroking its head. A glance to his side revealed that he was stroking the cat as well, and it seemed to be thoroughly appreciating the gesture; it repeatedly rubbed its head against his leg, purring.

"Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. For sure," said Taako, in the distinctive tone he slipped into when he got distracted. "We really shouldn't… I mean, we messed up, good goof and all, but…"

He trailed off, and they lapsed into silence save for the purring of the cats, the sound of the dogs licking Magnus's face, and the soft shuffle of the mongoose making itself comfortable in the crook of Taako's shoulder. None of them stopped petting the animals even for a second--Kravitz wasn't sure he could bring himself to pull his hands away even if he wanted to. Finally, after what felt like simultaneously the most relaxing and the most stressful two minutes of his afterlife, Taako let out a heavy sigh and broke the silence.

"We're keeping them, aren't we?"

"Yep," Magnus replied without a moment's hesitation.

"Oh, we absolutely are," Kravitz agreed, breaking into a grin at the confirmation that the others were on the same page as him.

Taako grinned too, and although Magnus's position in relation to the dogs blocked the view of his face, he laughed again--less giddy now, but with just as much joy. Moving carefully so as not to disturb the pets, Kravitz scooted forward and laid his hand atop Taako's. Then, holding his gaze with an affectionate smile, he brushed back Taako's hair and leaned forward to kiss him.

"Joyous Candlenights, love," he murmured.

"Aw, geez, Krav," Taako mumbled, lowering his face as a furious blush spread over his cheeks. "No need to get so sappy…" He darted forward to kiss him back, then pulled back with a grin, still blushing even though they had kissed a thousand times before. "But, yeah, same to you, babe."

"Hey, what about me?" Magnus asked in mock offense. He gently lifted the dogs off of himself and sat up, edging over toward Taako.

"Sorry, dear, no kisses for you until you wipe all that fucking dog slobber off," Taako told him, giving an exaggerated shudder. Despite his words, though, he raised himself up off the ground to give Magnus a kiss on the top of his head. "And happy Candlenights to you, too. To both of you."

A great warmth swelled within Kravitz as Taako sat back down between him and Magnus. He looped an arm around each of their waists and drew them in close, smiling far brighter than he normally let any of his emotions shine through. Outside, the wind was still blowing as cold as ever, and dark clouds covered the moon, carrying the promise of a heavy overnight snowfall. Here and now, though, the three of them were warm and safe and happy--or rather, the nine of them. Yikes, that really was a lot of pets, wasn't it? Still, looking between his companions and the animals, Kravitz decided they could handle it. In any case, no matter how things turned out in the long run, this was a night that they were sure to remember for a long time to come.

[in-tua-deep]

I'm like, ridiculously invested in the Lumberjack lesbian mom au, so I have a question and an idea that bounces off the question. Does she know they have powers? And then what if they were in the city and she (or some other probably child civilian) gets trapped in like... A burning building or something, and Five gets her out but people see him and Reginald actually does show up, following the rumors of potential Umbrella Academy kids so Ellie gets to make good on her threat😂

She does! But not at first, they keep that under wraps because they assume that if she figures out they’re The Umbrella Academy then she’ll send them back oof and they have Vanya’s inclusion to throw off the scent as well because there’s six umbrella academy kids and seven of them

but i mean Ellie wasn’t exactly born yesterday one of these little sucker’s name is Five and sometimes they call each other by numbers or - on rare occasions - their hero names (usually only when they’re sniping at one another but Luther occasionally does it out of habit)

and these kids have weird trauma that pops up oddly. Like the fact that when Ellie is first getting everyone dinner she expects them to be,, you know,,, kids. Descend upon the food like a pack of ravenous wolves. They’re seven thirteen-year-olds they might as well be feral little gremlins regarding food they’re still growing. But nope they all very quietly pile around Ellie’s shitty table where they had to drag in like four chairs from various spots around the house into a mishmash pile and quietly wait as Ellie piles food on her own plate and she’s like “??? what are y’all waiting for???” and ben just blinks and looks at her oddly and is like “uhhh you haven’t given us permission to eat?” and ellie is just like “shit chow down kids y’all don’t need permission” but they’re all still hesitant and luther is like “how,, how much are we permitted” and ellie is just “????? i mean make sure your siblings get some but if there’s any left and you’re still hungry you can always go back for seconds”

just klaus being wide eyed and all “What’s seconds?? wait you’re telling me that after we’re done we can go back and get MORE food? just like that?” and ellie’s heart is breaking and also she’s mentally looking at her budget again about feeding seven ravenous children and figuring she’ll teach the kids to fish and what in the forest is edible 

(she’ll figure out soon enough the kids already know, they’ve been living in the forest for a while before they came upon her and she adopted them, so ellie won’t have to worry too hard about feeding them when they come home with buckets full of blackberries and mud on their clothes)

but the point is that she’s pretty sure your average 13 yr old can’t help with the lumber with the amount of ease that Luther shows. She’s also pretty sure that the way the kids keep squirreling Vanya off into the woods is pretty suspect and so are the patches of woods where the trees are blown down like a localized tornado. Plus it’s hard not to notice that sometimes Five will go off in one direction and show up in another place entirely.

they think they’re being so sneaky about it

it’s probably five that gives it up in the end

they’re all gathered in front of the tv watching a movie with songs and dancing. Let’s say footloose because why not. Allison adores movies and dancing and all of that and will often make her siblings dance with her along with the characters and so they all have the furniture shoved back against the walls as they goof around. Ellie is sitting on the couch and Klaus is trying to teach her how to knit to no avail (he’s just much better at it than she is, she just doesn’t have the patience for this kind of thing - but then again she’d thought the same of Klaus but he seems to enjoy having something to keep his hands busy when he’s sitting with Clyde sprawled across his lap)

someone moves wrong and stumbles into someone else and they trip and hands go flailing and Five flinches but he’s had training at avoiding projectiles pounded into his head (and his flesh, bruises upon bruises and blood dripping down his lip) and so he does what comes naturally to him - he jumps before Diego can crash into him. Not far, just a few feet to the left as Diego crashes to the floor, but they all freeze because Five jumped

in front of Ellie

and Ellie is scowling at her knitting which she’s pretty sure she dropped a few stitches fucking somewhere and she isn’t sure where but she barely looks up she’s just like “No powers in the house” and jabs at something with a needle that might be picking up a stitch but might also be losing another one?

“What?” Allison blurts out, echoes by the others

Ellie looks up, “I mean, I don’t mind you kids using them out in the woods or anything but shit’s breakable in the house and we’re on a budget. We can negotiate when you’re older if you like.”

“you KNOW?” Diego asks, wide eyed and somewhat alarmed

“Diego.” Ellie says patiently, giving up and passing her knitting to an alarmed looking Klaus because really he’s good and if anyone can save whatever the fuck she managed to do it would be him, “Seven kids popped up outside my house. Six of which have the exact same names as the kids from the umbrella academy or whatever. Klaus literally had a nightmare the other night where he screamed about ghosts. And don’t think I didn’t see you throw that pinecone at your sister last week. Y’all aren’t exactly subtle.”

as though it didn’t take ellie fucking forever to put two and two together tbh like she figured out about the powers way before she figured out about the umbrella academy thing. She went to town and saw a gossip magazine with a picture of them all wondering why they hadn’t been seen in public (as if reginald is going to admit to them running away) and ellie was like ‘holy shiT’ at the time

“You didn’t say anything.” Vanya says, shakily

Ellie just shrugs again, “Well I figured y’all would come clean when you felt comfortable enough to. I’m glad you’re trusting me with this.”

“You aren’t going to send us back?” Five asks what they’re all thinking, and he’s shaking like a leaf, blue sparking across his hands like he wants to jump away and is only held back by sheer willpower

“Fuck no,” Ellie snorts, then frowns, “I mean uh, heck no. Don’t swear, kids. But like, your dad was clearly a piece of shit and I wouldn’t spit on him if he was on fire, let alone give him even a plant to take care of never mind seven kids.”

There’s a pause as they all digest that

“No powers in the house?” Ben confirms, because they’re all familiar with rules

“Like I said, breakable shit.” Ellie nods, “I trust y’all are being safe using them out in woods at least. Figuring out control is important, but I trust you guys to know what you’re doing. They’re your powers, after all. But - if you ever need me don’t hesitate to ask. I might be just an ordinary person, but I’ve got a trick or two up my sleeve.”

“You aren’t ordinary.” Vanya protests immediately, steel in her tone and by the way that all the others spines stiffen Ellie can figure she’s stepped on another landmine. There have been a couple, and Ellie keeps the ones she’s discovered written in a notebook in her room so she doesn’t forget (don’t jokingly put luther in charge, don’t turn off Klaus’s bedside lamp because he’s scared of the dark, don’t use the word rumor in any conversation ever, don’t mention the kids mother, telegraph her movements to five before touching him, and so on and so forth and now she can add ‘don’t use the word ordinary’ to the list as well), “You’re the most extraordinary person I’ve ever met.”

There’s another lull.

“What happens if we do use them? In the house?” Five asks, voice so very quiet that it’s almost lost as Kevin Bacon loudly says something to the Preacher on screen. 

and Ellie has to think about that, because she hasn’t really imposed any actual rules on the kids outside of like,, normal ones. Please be back before dark. Make sure everyone has something to eat, you can always go back for more if you’re still hungry. Pick up after yourself. The usual. And really, what can she do to punish a bunch of superpowered children, anyway?

So Ellie grins at them, “Then Clyde gets to sleep with me for the night.”

Immediately the tension is broken as the kids protest and cluster around to grab at Clyde dramatically. Clyde snorts awake but gives his tail some thumps at the attention even if he looks a little confused at why he’s receiving it. These days the little traitor sleeps with the kids who let him in their bed and cuddle him at night, all of them piled up on the mattresses that Ellie had thrown on the ground as they nest in the room that used to be her ‘office’ 

(she’s working on the extension to the house for them, but for now they have to share a bedroom. Not that they’ve complained about it, in face Ellie feels like she’s going to have to consult with them on what they want their sleeping arrangements to be in case they end up just wanting one giant bed to puppy pile on - which is fine for now but Ellie is pretty sure as they grow older they’re going to want their own spaces)

okay this got away from me i haven’t even looked at the second half of your ask

honestly if reginald did show up he’d knock on the door and Ellie would answer and then she’d squint at him when he demanded to see the children and would be like “oh hey it’s you ya motherfucker” and she’d be like “nope no kids here”

and reggie would point behind her to the family picture that ellie had taken a month ago that she loves because all the kids are smiling and laughing and ben is holding a frog and klaus is covered in mud and vanya has a leaf in her hair and luther’s pantlegs are soaking wet but it’s them and it’s wonderful and it’s her new favorite photo ever

and ellie looks him in the eye and deadpans, “haven’t gotten around to switching out the stock photo”

and reginald forces his way in and Ellie is maybe about two seconds away from fetching her wood chopping ax for Reasons and then the kids come back piling through the door loudly and raucously with laughs that die off when they see exactly who is in their living room, the front door still swinging open and Ellie looking coldly furious

even Clyde reads the mood and whines and there’s a loud growling grumble which absolutely does not come from Clyde but instead originates from the doorway leading deeper into the cabin where Marmalade/Orange Idiot stands with back arched as he bares his teeth at the intruder like the true guard cat he is

“Kids go to the other room.” Ellie says, and when they move to protest she puts her foot down with a “Now.” and a significant look because Vanya looks like a ghost all the blood has drained so fast from her face and Five is trembling and Klaus has tucked him and Ben behind Diego with wide frightened eyes and she knows the kids are going to eavesdrop but she wants them out of eyesight of their worst nightmare at the very least

Reginald is thankfully silent as the kids troop into the other room

“Clyde you go with them,” Ellie orders the dog, because those kids need as much comfort as they can get right not, and then she looks at the cat, “And Marm, you go too.” and hey her and Marm may not see eye to eye on most things but they both love the kids and Ellie feels like they have an understanding on the level of “if this ass goes into the room with the kids tear him a new asshole” and Marmalade sticks his tail in the air and hisses one more time at Reginald for good measure before trotting off as though he intended to exit the entire time

and Reginald says something about the kids returning and picking up their training pronto and Ellie just cuts him off

“Sir Asshat.” She says, ignoring the small gasp because her kids are not subtle, “I’m going to be straight with you - why the fuck do you think you’re walking out of here with any of those kids.”

and Reginald draws himself up and is like “They are my children. I made them what they are.”

“You traumatized a bunch of perfectly good kids is what you did.” Ellie says, “Look at them. They have anxiety. But that’s not what I’m getting at - though I don’t quite count buying them as being yours to begin with they’re children not furniture - but what I’m getting at is: how are you going to make them?”

and Reginald looks startled

“Those kids in there,” Ellie jabs a finger towards the wall, “Are extraordinary. And on top of that, they have powers the likes of which I’ve never seen before. And you think you, Mr. Hargreeves, are a match for them? If they decide to really go against you? You think you can force them to do anything they don’t want to do?”

She jabs a finger at Reginald’s chest, forcing him to take a step back. Because he came here thinking he had all the power, because he’s a powerful man and money talks. But not here it doesn’t. Not in Ellie’s grandmother’s cabin, in her neck of the woods, not when she has seven children behind her and the man who still gives them nightmares in front of her.

Ellie bares her teeth in what might generously be called a smile if it didn’t look too much like she wanted to tear Reginald’s throat out. “You are very lucky, Mr. Hargreeves. Because if I was in those kids shoes? There wouldn’t be anyone left to come looking for me, you know? You want that luck to hold, don’t you Mr. Hargreeves?”

“Are you threatening me?” Reginald demands, but looks unnerved. And he invaded her home, wants to take her kids away, wiped the smiles off of her kids faces and left them quiet and trembling and afraid just with one glance at them.

“No, sir.” Ellie tells him, “Just pointing out a truth is all. Now Mr. Hargreeves, I’ll even do you a favor and give you another truth for free. You see, you’re going to turn around and get the hell off of my property. You’re going to leave my kids alone, and never darken my doorstep again. You’re going to go back to your sad, miserable, lonely little life and you are never even going to think in the direction of my kids ever again. Do you understand?”

“I could have you arrested!” Reginald says severely, drawing himself up. 

Ellie crosses her arms and looks to the side, where all the kids are now hovering in the doorway and watching this clash between the two adults. “Kids,” Ellie says, mild as milk, “If I were arrested would you bust me out?”

“Yeah.” Luther says, and the fact that’s it’s Luther who answers and has his face set in stone as he turns towards Ellie as if Reginald isn’t in the room. And Ellie is so fucking proud of him it hurts, “Of course we would.”

Ellie nods, “So you see, Mr. Hargreeves, the thing about family is that if you mess with one you mess with all. And I don’t think you really want to mess with us.”

And Reginald turns sharply to the door, cane flashing in the light and Ellie can see the kids flinch back and is kind of regretting not just going straight for the wood ax or maybe one of the kitchen knives or hey maybe just using her fists and going to town she’s pretty sure she can take this pasty old man

and reginald leaves and maybe he vows to return and ellie calmly tells him that if he shows up again she’ll consider him a trespasser and deal with him accordingly

and then he drives off and ellie goes back inside and the kids huddle around her and she sweeps them into her arms and presses kisses on their heads and cheeks and wipes away Vanya��s tears with one hand as she presses Klaus’s sobbing face into her shoulder and she promises them that she’ll never let them go back to their father’s care no matter what

even if that means taking the kids and running

“But your grandmother’s cabin - ” Ben starts, swiping a hand over his own tearstained face as Ellie reaches out to him

“Nana would understand.” Ellie tells him simply, “She’s dead, you’re alive. You come first over any silly little cabin, you hear?”

and that night everyone piles into Ellie’s room instead of going to their own, pressing against one another in a tangle of limbs that Ellie already knows is going to have her waking in the middle of the night sweating like a don’t know what but she can’t bring herself to protest not even why clyde hops in and so does the demon cat who she will never admit she likes

“If he comes back I’m going to kill him.” Ellie says, thoughtful as the kids settle around her, “You kids would help me bury the body, right?”

“If we killed him, do you think we could go rescue Mom?” Diego asks quietly, and Ellie is suddenly turning in bed because the kids only mentioned their mother once and then shut down entirely any other time ellie asked

“We don’t have to wait, sweetheart.” Ellie says, all thoughtful and maybe just a little bit vengeful and petty, “Tell me about your mom in the morning?”

and the kids snuggle closer and nod

and okay later when Ellie finally meets Grace she can admit that she expected an older woman around Reginald’s age not this lovely young woman with her 60s style skirt and her smile and oh she’s a robot?? okay yeah that makes sense there’s no way this literal angel of perfection could possibly be a mortal to begin with

yeah ellie might be fucked

[nuka-nuke]

|Avdotya Ilyinichna Luzhkov-Valle|

|Director of the Institute, Overboss of Nuka World|

Age: 28 (238)

Birthday: October 20th, 2049

Zodiac: Libra

Nicknames: By Nataniel, Dunya. By her mother and father, Dunechka; both are diminutives of her real name. By everyone else, Ilya.

Height & Build: 5'4, 119 lbs. Short and slender

References: Here

Physical Traits: She has tattoos all along both arms and legs, a rose tattoo on her ass, her son's name and a spade on her neck, as well as a huge upside down moth tattoo right below her chest. All of her tattoos were from before the war except for the "N" on her right cheek which was done by herself while mourning the death of her husband, Nataniel. She has freckles across her nose and the tops of her shoulders. She has a scar going across her right eye as well as a huge burn on the left side of her forehead (covered always by her bangs) from a mishap with a poorly made molotov that exploded in her hand.

Before the war, her hair was always dyed black. Now without the luxuries of professional cosmetics, it returned to the very light blonde she had naturally. With malnutrition, radiation, and residual effects of being frozen for 200 years and then exposed to bright sun again, it lost just about all the blonde pigment.

Personality: Ilya was always very charismatic, cultivated by her intense fear of being alone. She can convince anyone to do anything, and still sound genuine and sweet while blatantly manipulating them to do her bidding. However magnetic her personality normally is though, she also has overwhelming depressive spells during which she will drink herself blind and refuse to speak to anyone (but still needs someone with her anyway, lest her abandonment anxiety kick in on top of the depression). These up and down emotions have often been the cause of strife in her personal relationships, but the high is so good that that alone can usually delude people into sticking with her.

S.P.E.C.I.A.L:  Str 4 - Per 7 - End 6 - Cha 15 - Int 2 - Agi 6 - Luck 3

Noteworthy Skills & Perks: Black Widow, Bird Spotter, Locksmith, Ghoulish (The gift of Atom as the Children of Atom call it), Inspirational, Commando

Weapon of Choice: The Problem Solver, a Pack handmade rifle given to her by Mason after she intimidated him into taking her seriously.

Home Region: She was raised in Burlington, Vermont to Russian immigrant parents, but having immigrated when she was only a few months old she doesn't remember anything of Russia. Now she resides in an old warehouse in Cambridge which she has fixed up to be as nice of a home as is possible in a wasteland.

Affiliations: The Institute, Nuka World Raiders. Formerly the Railroad. She still has residual sympathy for synths.

Family:

Nataniel Valle, husband (deceased)

Shaun Valle, son (deceased)

Ilya Luzhkov, father (deceased)

Olesya Luzhkova, mother (deceased)

Associates:

Porter Gage, lover and 'business' partner

Bertrand Watanabe (Birdie), 'ex'-lover

Robert Joseph MacCready, friend of Birdie, hired help for her

Piper Wright, ex-lover

Enemies: Nisha, Preston Garvey, The Brotherhood of Steel, The Railroad

History:

Avdotya was born in Russia to Ilya Luzhkov and Olesya Luzhkova. She immigrated to the United States with her parents when she was just a few months old when her father, a scientist, got a job working for the government. It was difficult for them initially due to the stigma and fear of all things potentially communist, but her father proved his loyalty to America through his beneficial research and willingness to reject his homeland. They lived a comfortable life out of Vermont, with him regularly absent traveling to DC for work. Avdotya chose to call herself Ilya, her middle name being the patronymic of Ilya, for the sake of it sounding more American to her. She was always closer to her mother, who was kind, loving, spoiled her and doted upon her as if she could do no wrong. Her father was strict and cynical, always insisting she could be doing more with her life than making friends, goofing off, and getting tattoos. Because of this Ilya was always striving to win his approval, hoping one day she might be able to be loved by him, or at the very least, accepted. That day never came. He died before she turned 19, still saying he regretted bringing a child into a world he knew would be destroyed.

Ilya met her future husband, Nataniel, when she was 21. She was visiting Boston with her mother, who loved to study classic American architecture, as she was an artist who enjoyed painting buildings more than people. Ilya had very little interest in history but would do anything to make her mother happy, including going on dozens of tours a day of old cities. Nataniel was part of one of the tour groups they took, with his classmates from university, and he caught her eye immediately. While her mother chatted with the guide about 18th century America, Ilya poured on the charm to this tall handsome man. Nataniel was shy and sweet, and quite obviously trying to conceal a slight native Boston accent as they chatted. Ilya loved him right away.

It wasn't long until they began dating seriously, but the long distance was strenuous on their new relationship, especially because Ilya had never been very good at being apart from those she loves for too long. Olesya could tell how important this man was to her daughter, and therefore she was the one who suggested they move to Boston "for her art career". They got married when she was 23, and they remained deeply in love for all five years of their marriage until the bitter end.

More Recent History: After the Great War, Ilya struggled severely with the loss of everyone and everything she ever loved. She knew her son was still lost in this new world, but the depression was overwhelming and debilitating. Her first few days out of the vault included sitting in the dilapidated bedroom of her broken home, holding the note and earrings from Nataniel which was to be her birthday gift, and drinking 200 year old bottles of bourbon. She had the pistol found in Vault 111 placed on the floor in front of her. She didn't want to push forward in this life without Nati, and considered ending it here. But the remaining vision of her son being taken burned in her memory, and drove her to finally motivate herself to leave Sanctuary six days after her 28th birthday.

From then the up and down emotional roller coaster of trauma and BPD continued to disable her. When she was down, she could barely bring herself to move. When she was up she would go days without sleep, living off of Nuka Cola Quantum and bourbon, taking on any crazy task offered and shmoozing people into paying exorbitant fees to get their jobs done. It was during this turbulant time that she happened upon Diamond City, and the first person she met here being a raven haired beauty Piper. Immediately after meeting her, Ilya decided that she would make for an attractive distraction from the war plaguing her mind every day. Piper was strong willed and personable, which Ilya liked about her, and Ilya was charismatic and dangerous, which Piper liked. It didn't take much effort to have Piper wrapped around her finger.

 Unfortunately, Piper fell hard and fast for the prewar enigma. Ilya quickly lost patience for her constant need for affection and reassurance. The relationship became boring to her, and she couldn't care less if it hurt Piper's feelings when she would leave without telling her to go on a bender in Goodneighbor or flirt blatantly with someone else right in front of her. Sooner or later if became too much for Piper to excuse, and they had a hostile split.

 While taking jobs on her own after storming out of Piper's home for the last time, Ilya travelled to Forest Grove Marsh on a quest for radiation healing ferns for the Diamond City local drug dealer. It was here, while balancing on top of hastily laid boards across the roofs of half submerged prewar homes, that she came upon a figure in a gas mask sniping ferals from the roof of an old ammo shop. When she spoke to him after the gunfire ceased, she was vaguely confused as to whether he was joking around, or really just that ditzy. She felt the complusive need to bring him with her, simply because she was worried about his safety being so lost and out in the middle of nowhere, but did not expect to eventually form a strong bond with the younger boy. He was goofy and weird, and made her laugh, which was uncommon for her in this life. He stabilized her and kept her grounded, even though he was only kind of stable on his own. When she had her panic attacks, he was always there to comfort her. And even though he was deathly afraid of germs and touching other humans, eventually he convinced himself  that she couldn't kill him and made an exception for her. They trusted each other with their lives, and barely ever spent time apart from one another, which was an amazing new phenomenon for the sniper who was ostracized from his previous home and abandoned by all those he knew. She couldn't admit it to herself without feeling like she was betraying Nati, but she had fallen in love with him.

  Ilya discovered the Railroad while traversing with Birdie through the prewar historical ruins that used to bring her mother so much joy. They were honest folks trying to make life better for the beaten down synths, and Ilya respected their efforts. Also, they paid well. She joined up as 'Charmer', even though she hated the nickname, and devoted fully into their cause, accepting graciously the help they offered for finding her son. Until she actually found him.

 When she was reunited with Shaun, nothing else mattered to her. She abandoned her new life and poured herself into his. Not once did she return to the Railroad headquarters to report back about how the teleportation had succeeded. She desired only to make him proud of her, like the Grandfather he never knew yet resembled in personality, appearance, and intelligence. She did anything he asked of her, and even though she still had the lingering, gnawing sympathy for the synths, she could never bring herself to do anything to harm what her son had worked his entire life to achieve.

 He asked her to betray her former friends with the Railroad, and she did so without question.

With the passing of her son, Ilya lost all the formulated stability she had worked to achieve. She hid in a dark depression in the Cambridge home she shared with Birdie, refusing to eat or sleep, and drank. She couldn't face the Institute without Shaun. She couldn't even think about it without breaking down. She lost the one thing keeping her tied to Nataniel and her past life, the one glimpse into the old world she loved.

 And then, to top it off while trying to console the mourning mother, Birdie accidentally let it slip that he loved her.  At first, she told him he didn't know what love is, to which he admitted she was probably right, but there was no other person in the world he cared about like her, that he would die for her.

 So later in the night while he slept, she fled. She would not allow another person to love her and die for her to continue on alone. She would not allow herself to admit that she loved him also, and she would not allow herself to replace Nataniel's memory. She ran away without telling him why...

 And ended up in Nuka World. The worst and best place, for someone with no will to live who just wants to watch the world burn. She cut all ties with the group she previously befriended yet rejected becoming general of, The Minutemen, and turned on their leader when he confronted her about her poor choices. From there, she began a whirlwind relationship with her new second in command, Gage, out of lust and loneliness and mutual emotionally destructive behavior, but still never gets sweet little Birdie far out of her mind.

(Profile layout created by the wonderful @radbeetle)