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ineedtotouchgrassrightnow · 10 months ago

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GUESS WHO LOST THE REQUEST YET AGAIN? LUCKILY I SS THEM

Requested!!

Percy X Reader Fluff!!!

My head was pounding. It was a long week with all the tests and trying to get accepted into colleges. And let me tell you, getting into college with ADHD and dyslexia is NOT for the weak.

I had stupid ELA homework. I was practically pulling out my hair. I hated ELA class; it was the WORST. I sucked at spelling, I couldn’t read. I tried so hard, but the letters would spin, do 180s, and fly off the page. I could not focus at all. I was debating burning the paper with my fire, but decided against it when I heard a buzz from my side.

My face lit up when I saw my boyfriend texted me. I threw down my pencil and opened his message. “Hey Y/n, wanna go to the new aquarima that opened?” I couldn’t help but laugh at his misspelling of aquarium, but I knew what he meant. “Yeah, I would love to?”

Nothing could cheer me up faster than my boyfriend, and even more so when it's a date. “Awesome! See you then?” “Sure, what day and time?” “Today, 1 hour?” “Wait, today?” “Yeah?” “I’m doing homework though.” “You’ll probably give up soon enough.” “Excuse me?” “See you in an hour, princess.” I couldn’t help but scoff. “Wow…” I said out loud to nobody and got up to get ready for my date. I grabbed cute yet comfortable clothes and went to take a shower, smiling that dork knew how to cheer me up anytime.

I did my hair and put on my shoes when I heard knocking at my door. I practically ran to the door and smiled when I saw the handsome boy behind it. “Hello, princess,” he gave a genuine smile. “You look amazing.”

“I’m not even dressed up?”

“You still look amazing,” he smiled and leaned down to my lips, giving me a kiss with his soft lips that had a hint of sweetness, probably from cherry coke, his all-time favorite drink.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, let me grab my keys.” I grabbed my keys and locked the door. “The aquarium is pretty big. There is a food court there too,” I mentioned as we walked towards the car.

He opened my door, smiling. “Ladies first.” Before jogging to his door, he was always going the extra mile for me. It was crazy. He held doors, made me breakfast in bed, all the cute stuff. In all honesty, I don’t know how or why I got so lucky to have him in my life, but he was genuinely one of the few things I am grateful for.

The drive there was normal. We talked about the aquarium, our schools, our home life, any crazy stuff we found on the internet. We tried to keep our other lives separate from our normal lives as much as possible, and we did a pretty good job at avoiding it most of the time.

“You know Annabeth wants to get back in touch with me,” he said at one point.

“Really?” I couldn’t help but chuckle. “As friends or does she still have a crush on you?”

“Not sure. I told her I was taken, but she seemed panicked, like something was wrong at camp.”

“We should just leave it be for now. We can check up on camp tomorrow. We are on a date tonight.”

“Right, sorry, love,” Percy sighed, rubbing my thigh.

He pulled into the parking lot and smiled softly. “We made it alive?”

“I couldn’t tell?”

“Shut it,” he laughed before jogging over to open my door.

“You know I can open my doors, right?”

“I’m just making sure you don’t slam my car doors,” he teased.

“Wow,” I nudged him and laughed. “Let's go, seaweed head.”

“Of course,” he grinned and held open the door of the aquarium entrance. It was beautiful inside. The rugs were dark blue, the walls were light blue, and all types of fishes were painted over the walls.

“Woah, that fish is pretty,” I pointed over to one of the painted fishes on the wall.

“In case you couldn’t tell, my dear Y/n, that's a painted fish, not a real one.”

“I’m not dumb!” He smiled and walked over to the cashier, who was a sweet older man in his 60s.

“Two tickets, please,” Percy requested.

“Of course, that's 28 dollars,” the cashier replied.

“Thank you,” Percy handed him the money and handed me my ticket.

“So, you like older men now?” I teased.

“All I said was thank you!” He pouted.

“Yea— Woah, that's a big shark!?” I dragged Percy along to one of the shark tanks.

“Yeah, they are meant to be big.”

“Quiet,” I rolled my eyes at his sassiness. “What would happen if you asked it to do a backflip?”

“Why would I ask it—”

“I mean, you can talk to animals, can’t you?”

“No.”

“Wow, you are boring then.”

“Oh, is that so? And what can you do, princess? Make a sword? And heat up your hands?”

“Yeah, I can. And what can you do? Fall 600 feet into an ocean?”

“Actually, yes, I can.”

“Try hard.”

“Always,” he grinned and kissed my cheek.

“Look at that one right there, it's pretty like you.”

“So you're saying I look like a fish?”

“You always have something to say, don't you?”

“Yes, I do.” I smiled and kissed his cheek.

#annabeth chase #percy and annabeth #percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson #pjo #pjo fandom #reader insert #x reader #pjo series #pjo tv show

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messers-moony · 3 years ago

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King and Queen | S.B

Paring: Sirius Black X Fem!Potter!Reader, James Potter X Fem!Twin!Reader

Summary: James goes through a lot during his time at Hogwarts but his sister is always by his side.

Inspiration: Click

A/N: If this comes off insensitive to anyone please let me know and I will remove this.

James Potter was a handful. From the minute he was born, he had this gleam in his hazel eyes that raged and burned with trouble. His twin, Y/n Potter, was almost the opposite. The soft smile that laid on her features and the glitter of calamity in her eyes. Euphemia and Fleamont were in for a lot the minute their twins were born.

Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder is most comparative to having a web browser up with one too many tabs. James had always been unable to focus and was naturally messy. Truth be told, he thought it was normal, just as everyone else did. It wasn’t until his second year at Hogwarts did he realize something was genuinely wrong with him.

Remus told him that he had this muggle thing called “dyslexia,” which was a difficulty in interpreting words, letters, and other symbols. However, it never affected his overall intelligence because everyone knew that Remus Lupin was indeed and wholly brilliant. It got James wondering, did his inability to focus, be organized, and hyperactivity have a deeper meaning?

His twin - Y/n - was quite the opposite. She made quick friends with Remus, Sirius, and Peter, who were close friends of her twin. Y/n was top of their class, creating a friendly competition with Remus, but she was always able to focus. Often she would hyper-focus, which would leave her working for over five hours at a time without realizing it. In those times, James would have to snap her out of it.

Over the summer, James expressed his concerns to his parents. He was talking about how this could be a real issue he’s facing using Remus’ dyslexia as an example. Eventually, they gave in, letting James go to a muggle doctor. James had to fill out a questionnaire that would come back with his results in one week. That week was probably the longest week of his life. Nonetheless, his test results had come back positive.

Fleamont and Euphemia would be lying if they were surprised. After hearing about the disorder, it was almost the definition of their eldest son. Fortunately for James, the muggles had come up with a cure - no, not a cure - dammit, what was it again?

Impede the symptoms! That’s what those muggle pills do. James was required to take two pills a day, one in the morning and once at night. Y/n was in charge of making sure he did so because - more times than he’d like to admit - he would forget everything if it wasn’t for Y/n.

In third year, James was as energetic as ever while getting on the Hogwarts Express, “Aren’t you excited, Y/n?!”

She chuckled, “Yes, but Merlin, you don’t need to literally jump with joy.”

“But I’m excited!”

“I know that.”

They made their way to the compartment that held Remus, who was reading a book. James sat in front of him while Y/n took her seat beside Remus, “‘Ello Remus.”

“Hey, Potter pair.”

Y/n sighed, and James groaned, “That nickname needs to go away.”

“I quite like it.” Remus stated smugly, “Suits you both.”

“What’s that suppose to mean?” Y/n accused falsely, “It means that wherever one of you are, the other isn’t that far behind.” Remus replied.

James had zoned out already, and Y/n snapped in his face, “Take your pills?”

“Forgot.” James muttered guiltily, “Oh Godric.” She whispered.

“Pills?”

“James went to a muggle doctor this summer.”

Remus quirked an eyebrow, “Did you now?”

“Got diagnosed with ADHD.” James informed, and Remus looked amiss, “Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.”

“Ah, I’ve heard of that.” Remus said, and James smiled sheepishly, “I feel kinda odd, like out of place.”

“Why?”

“Dunno, just, why can't I be normal?”

“You are normal, James.” Y/n reassured, “And anyone who says differently obviously doesn’t care about you.”

The compartment door slammed open, “Who doesn’t care about who?”

Remus snorted, “Ever the dramatics, huh, mate?”

“‘Course.” Sirius flopped down beside James, “It comes with my charm and devilishly good looks.”

“Ah, yes.” Y/n said, chuckling, “Don’t you see how I’m swooning for you?”

The back of her palm was against her forehead, “Come off it.” James swatted at her and then elbowed Sirius, “Better not make my sister swoon.”

Sirius chuckled and shrugged, “Can’t help it. I’m just that irresistible.”

The four of them laughed at Sirius’ dramatics and continued talking about the new term. Remus and Y/n were talking about books they couldn’t wait to read. Remus was even kind enough to gift her some muggle books he bought over the summer holiday. Sirius and James bickered about what pranks to do this year, along with which ones were better.

Third-year was fun. It was a year of flooding corridors, turning Slytherin robes red and blasting music in the common room after a Gryffindor victory. James was a brilliant Quidditch Chaser, and Y/n was a fantastic Seeker. Nothing was quite like the Potter pair. Something about them was just unforgettable.

Maybe that’s why Sirius was so fond of her. Something about the Potters made people around them smile on the hardest of days. They made sure that every moment was a night to remember. Every memory was worth reliving. So adventurous, so reckless, yet so kind and loving.

By the time fifth year rolled around, Sirius Orion Black had fallen off a cliff into a lake called love. Sirius completely submerged himself in love for Y/n Potter. The younger twin by just 20 minutes, but something about her was so divine. Was it her silk and glittering h/c hair? No - maybe it was her gleaming e/c eyes. Perhaps it was for her strive for adventure and extreme kindness.

Nonetheless, Sirius fell hard.

And who better to tell than James Potter himself?

Causally - as usual - Sirius opened the door to the Marauders dorm. It was empty aside from the brunet boy with glasses on the bridge of his nose. His hazel eyes were focused on a textbook - Potions textbook - maybe it was to impress Lily. Sirius couldn’t care less, so he pulled the chair out in front of the desk and sat before James.

“Mate, I need your help.”

“Running from Filch?”

“No. Something- Something worse.”

“Something worse?” The textbook shut loudly.

Sirius nodded, “Way worse.”

“Alright then, come into my office.” James teased, and Sirius grinned.

It was silent, “I’m in love with your sister.”

James sputtered, “Excuse me?”

“I’m in love with Y/n.”

“No, no.” James waved his hand horizontally, “I heard you.”

“Then what else would you like me to say?” Sirius asked.

“Literally anything else.”

“Sorry, mate.” Sirius muttered, “I- I really didn’t mean to.”

James chuckled and wiped his hand across his face, “I suppose you can’t really stop love, huh?”

“You really can’t.” Sirius agreed, “I tried. I promise I tried.”

“It’s not that big of a deal late.” James assured, and Sirius looked at him with wide eyes, “I trust you just-“

“Just?”

“I’m worried about her.” James completed, “I- I worry about her every night.”

Sirius softened, “It’s like you with Regulus-“ James continued before Sirius could interject, “And don’t pretend. Your silencing charms are bloody terrible.”

“I know you still care for Regulus, you worry about him every night, and I do the same for Y/n, except my silencing charms are better.” James teased sightly, “I trust you, Sirius. You’re the brother I never got but always wanted. You know, the brother I can play Quidditch with, rough around with, the brother who’s just as sneaky and mischievous as I.”

“But Y/n is still my blood. She's my twin, my best friend, my partner in crime. She was the mind behind my pranks before Remus.” James elaborated and then smirked, “Remus and Y/n make a great team, ya’ know?”

“They are quite brilliant.”

“Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, take care of her?” James looked like the eleven-year-old boy again, “Don’t make her a fling and don’t make this temporary.”

“Y/n is a strong woman, and she isn’t for weak men. I’ll be honest,” James chuckled, “She doesn’t need a man. She doesn’t even really need me. I need her more than she needs me. Regardless, take care of her. She deserves a man worthy of her. Someone that’ll get her ice cream at 4 a.m. because she’s craving it. Someone that’ll go on sporadic trips with her. Someone that’ll understand that after a hard day, all she wants is a book and coffee.”

Sirius was appalled; he’d never seen James look so passionate, “Growing up, mum always told me to be a gentleman. I know it may not seem like it sometimes, but she always raised me as one. To hold a door for them, push and push in their chairs for them, give them my jacket even if I’ll freeze.”

“Those kinda things. Dad said I should practice on Y/n, and I did. From then, Y/n always got treated like a queen, and she deserves no less. I won't lie, my parents treat me like a king too, and I don’t want any less either.” James explained, “Be the king that’s worthy of my sister.”

“That’s all I ask of you.”

Sirius nodded, “I’d be honored to serve her as my queen.”

“And if you show her no less, she’ll spit you out like chewing gum.”

He shuttered, “I hate how accurate that phrase is.”

James laughed, “I know her more than you think.”

By sixth year they were dating. Sirius would be lying if he wasn’t eternally shitting himself when Y/n said yes to going to Hogsmeade with him, alone, as a date. In fact, James almost wanted to throw him a party for finally not being a little bitch and asking out his sister. This party consisted of a bottle of firewhiskey and chocolate because that’s all that was in the boy's dormitory. But a party nonetheless.

When Lily rejected James for the last time before graduation, he was utterly heartbroken. He’d spent and dedicated seven years of his life to this gorgeous woman. Despite all his efforts and all his charms, she still wasn’t interested. James tried. He really tried. He wanted Lily so bad. His heart broke when she said her final words of goodbye.

“I’m sorry, Potter. Maybe in another life, just not this one.”

Tears had ebbed at the corner of his eyes as he made his way back into the castle from the Black Lake. In the common room, where he felt like he had just got dowsed in water. James made his way to the girl's dormitory. His hand curled into a fist and knocked lightly on the wooden door. Shuffling was heard from the other side, and the door finally opened, revealing his sister.

Without warning, James crashed into her arms, forcing his nose in the crook of her neck, “Woah.”

“Are you okay, James?”

His body shook with sobs as he shook his head no, “It’s okay. Let’s go lay down, okay?”

Gently she led him to her bed. He curled up beneath the navy blue comforter and placed his head on the silk pillow sheets. If he tried hard enough, he could forget the way Lily’s hair smelt today or the way her green eyes glistened in the sun. Now engulfed in his sister's scent, trying to remove every feeling for Lily possible, he dug his nose deeper into the comforter.

Y/n sat beside him, her back to the headboard, and ran her fingers through James’ already untied hair, “What's got you so worked up?”

“It’s done.”

“What’s done?”

“L- Lily and I.” James choked, “She- She really doesn’t want me.”

A new wave of tears overcame him, and Y/n continued to try and soothe him, “Well, she’s a tosser.”

James narrowed his eyes, “James, you know I love her. She's my best friend, but if she can’t see what’s right in front of her, then she’s an idiot.”

“Can I- Can I stay here tonight?” He asked hesitantly.

“You sure you don’t want me to stay at your dorm?” Y/n questioned, “Because you know who sleeps here.”

“Will you stay with me?”

“Till the end.”

After a couple of minutes, Y/n and James made their way down the steps to the boy's side. They walked up more steps and finally made it to the boy's dormitory. James collapsed on his bed in the left corner of the room, and Sirius perked up at seeing his girlfriend enter the room.

“Whatcha doin’ here, love?”

“Staying with my brother.”

Sirius nodded and stood up to hug her, gently pecking her forehead, “If you guys need anything, let me know, ‘kay?”

“Thanks, Siri.”

Gently Y/n pulled back the maroon curtain and sat down beside him again. James reached for her hand and intertwined their fingers. Something they used to do as kids. When a thunderstorm would go by, James would always seek sanctuary in his sister's comfort.

He fell asleep that night, knowing he was safe, loved, and knew that someone cared about him. Even if Lily didn’t love him, at least someone else did. He had his boys, and he had his sister. Right now, that’s all he needed beside him: Screw Lily and her idiot decision skills. Y/n was right; she was a complete tosser.

When Hogwarts was over, James and Y/n got a flat together. Sirius, Remus, and Peter got one only a floor above. Realistically this wasn’t the plan. James always planned to buy a house with Lily, but he was still healing, and after everything going on, it was vital for him to hold his sister close to him.

Euphemia and Fleamont barely lived to see their children graduate. Not too long afterward had died due to the horrid dragon pocks. It devastated both twins and Sirius. While Sirius wasn’t their true child, he very well could’ve. Euphemia noticed Sirius’s lingering stares on Y/n and the loopy smile that graced his features.

She was the one who got Sirius to man up. She was the one who gave him advice. She was the one who told him what books were her favorite, which chocolate she liked the best, her favorite quills. Euphemia was one of the main components in getting Sirius to date her daughter, and when it finally happened, the parents couldn’t have been happier.

James’ ADHD still remained even in his adulthood, making regular everyday tasks much harder and twice as long. Most of the time, the pills were able to help him complete those tasks. But sometimes, when Y/n wasn’t there to remind him, he would miss his days. When Y/n got home from work, she had barely taken off her shoes to see the apartment spotless.

It was a pleasant surprise, but James was never really one to clean, not that she really minded, but the apartment didn’t have a speck of dust on it. Hesitantly she put her keys on the island along with her bag.

“James!”

“Yes, Y/n?”

He appeared in the kitchen where Y/n was, “Um, did you clean the apartment?”

“Yes, I did!” James nodded enthusiastically.

Y/n sighed and gave her brother a sweet smile, “What did you not do today?”

“So, you know how you told me to go to the pharmacy?”

“Mhm.” Y/n nodded, “Indeed I do.”

“Well, they were out of my meds.” James informed, “I have to wait a week.”

“Oh, Merlin.”

“On the bright side!” James was already causing her a headache, “It’s gonna be a fantastic week! I’ve got so many things planned for us! We’re gonna go-“

James continued to ramble as Y/n grabbed her keys, bag and slipped back on her shoes, “I’m going to Sirius’!”

“Thought you were my sister.” James faked pouting, and Y/n smiled, “I love you, but you’re crazy.”

“I love you too!” He yelled as she closed the door.

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studiojeon · 3 years ago

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troubled outsiders | intro - jjk

| summary | - how you two end up pining for each other.

warnings: none :)

content: idol!jungkook x student!oc, friends to lovers (because it’s THE superior trope okurrrt), jungkook is quiet and shy but a social butterfly when needed (and when it comes to oc but you’re not supposed to know that yet), oc is both a badass and a socially akward queen, she has TWO friends and only because one is dating the other (like... same), the Lee Charyeong is her bestie, oc works at bighit and feels like everyone either fears her or hates her, author nim is a crackhead and has no plot planned for this series whatsoever (doesn’t know if she’ll keep this up, we’ll see).

words: 1.93 k

His presence was overwhelming, to say the least. Even if he were surrounded by six hundred other equally handsome men, somehow, to you (and the majority of the female population, at that point) he was as captivating and magnetic as they come. Jeon Jungkook didn't pay no mind to no one, but sure as hell everyone became hyper aware of his existence and essence in time. And that didn’t exclude you.

Yet, as nonchalant and indifferent as the man could be perceived, in reality he was more considerate and friendly than the aura he exuded. You knew this because working in the same company had to teach a thing or two about the people who literally carried said company and the whole industry at some point, still you barely knew four or three people, including your assistant and Jungkook, whom you had met once.

The opportunity of working at the company had come to you out of the blue, quite literally, you were attempting to send one of your assignments in when an email appeared in your notifications during your sailor moon study break.

HYBE Entertainment

We’re glad to inform you that you’re being recruited for the position of Logistics Manager in one of our sub companies, BIGHIT Entertainment. We’ve thoroughly looked through the CV you’ve submitted and are very interested in your capabilities and what you can contribute to our organization. One of our other managers will gladly meet you on a day you can both agree on. Make sure to answer this email to get more details about your interview.

“Nani!? THE FUCK?” sure as hell that your eyes and cognitive functions were deceiving you (ADHD) you went over the text a little over three times in a row before the message settled in your mind. This was sus.

Before even considering a reply you made a quick call. “Fucking Lee Chaeryeong” you spat on your end of the line. “You did this, didn’t you?”.

Her silence was more than enough to have you cursing her under your breath. “I don’t know what exactly you’re talking about but it most likely was me. Does it have to do with a sex toy in particular?”

“No” you denied almost monotonously, guessing the pile of boxes in the corner of your room with her names on them was what she referred to. “Does anything come to mind if i mention BIGHIT FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT?”

It was her. All those conversations during the summer about how badly you wanted to work in the entertainment business as marketing staff of some sort had their effect on your friend, who, despite all your excuses and denials, knew you better than you and your mom combined did, and because of this, was sure as hell you were not making a move towards that goal whatsoever. So, being the boss bitch she was, she took matters into her own hands, was what she explained.

You concluded that was the reason you had reached a point in your life where you had more experience than most recently graduated kids in your field, because Chaeryeong had you moving every summer break. You had been the manager of a coffee franchise and convenience store during you junior and senior years, and also figured a way to improve the marketing management strategy of a fucking restaurant while at it. Not to toot your own horn, but you were kind of cool.

Or not. “I hope this job satisfies your workaholic ass for once, I’m running out of ideas”. Chaeryeong spat before hanging up.

Sure as hell it would.

On friday afternoon, you made your way to the HYBE INSIGHT building and introduced yourself to your recruiters who promised to give you a call at some point. “It went fine” you told Chaeryeong once you were in your car. And it was the truth, however you weren’t so sure if they would actually hire you at some point since well, you were a girl in a male dominated industry and, in your opinion, there were always better people than you. “Wanna go grab coffee?”

“I want to. But, I have practice today. I’m actually on my way there. Please avoid driving through Hongdae today, this shit’s packed.” You sighed and thanked her for the heads up. You missed your friend, badly. You hadn’t seen each other in three weeks, and you didn’t even live so far away from each other (you did, but it had been worse before). You two had very agitated lives to say the least. Chaeryeong was a kpop group member, and well, you were jumping from job to job and getting your phD in Business Management at the same time. It was hard to find moments to spare together during some periods of the year, but you guess the anticipation made your encounters better.

“Talk about anticipation” you slammed your forehead against your desk, taking a breather after such an anxiety packed situation. Short story: you got the job (for some fucking reason). And you had gone through a whole week of expectancy and anguish. Not getting that job would have broken your heart, and ego at the same time.

You guessed the law of attraction tactics Chaeryeong had taught you had sorted their effect and were what led you to your current position in life.

“Miss _____, your presentation’s ready” your work assistant gave you a comforting pat in the back as she took a seat somewhere next to you. You were nervous, shitless. It was your fifth week at the job, and being the proactive woman you were, you had collected lots of data in order to come up with a resources management plan.

It was a Thursday afternoon, and more than a hundred people sat in front of you, waiting for your speech. Including him, who you’d once bumped into accidentally during one of your data recollections runs inside the building.

You hated having the need to impress others yet, hence your anxious behaviour. But this was a decisive moment in regards to your validation in your new job and how you’d continue to be perceived during your work stance (no reason to panic at all)… you needed to get it together.

“I think I just pissed off a bunch of old men right now,” you told your assistant right after you got off stage. “I need a bathroom break”. Linh gave you a reassuring smile, one she always had plastered on her face.

“Take as long as you need to. I’ll give you a call once the rest are done”.

The commute to the bathroom was unnecessarily complicated in your opinion. You had spent a little over a month rushing through the hallways of the building and you swore every single day your spatial orientation got a bit more fucked up. There was no way there wasn’t a single bathroom on the floor you were in, that would just be atrocious. “It’s not completed yet” someone said beside you as you stared at the half empty map the company had projected on a wall next to the elevators. “Where do you need to go?”

Kim Taehyung of all people in the world was talking to your ugly and unworthy ass. Your breath caught in your throat and after staring for at least five seconds your body finally reacted to your orders. “Oh, um… the bathroom. I’ve been looking for it for a good ten minutes” you explained with a nervous laugh.

“Trust me, I get it. I still get lost over here” he smiled gently. “It’s in the hallway in the middle of the next hallway”

You laughed at his very ambiguous explanation. “Thank you” you bowed your head and made your way to said destination.

It was in the hallway to your left, not your right, and it took you a while to figure out that new piece of information. Once you were staring at yourself in the mirror, you realized that you looked considerably tired and exhausted from all the social interaction you had undergone throughout the day. You were used to the side stares and whispering you’d get whenever you entered a room at that point, but some days you just wished you could get a break from them. After all, it wasn’t your fault you didn’t look Korean at all, and that you also didn’t fit the stereotype of a foreigner.

You got that from your mom, both the non Korean features and social fatigue. But that wasn’t even the problem most of the time, it was your friendly and smart nature which she had also passed onto you. Some would consider it a blessing, but to you it was a burden, like a clear glass that shielded you from introducing yourself into other people’s realities. You had few friends and people to trust, but in your everyday life you had to deal with the pressure of standing out too much and that came with a lot of negative energy from others. You sigh as you spray your favorite fragrance on yourself. You could be feeling like shit, but no one will ever catch you slipping.

But that excluded him apparently. You hadn’t noticed that on the other side of the hallway was the men’s bathroom and the realization hit you as you were calmly getting some tea from the vending machine. “Good afternoon” the man greeted you as he made his way out the hallway, but stopped in his tracks right after he noticed you. “_____! Hi” he smiled at you and you wanted to die, suddenly forgetting what you were ordering in the first place.

“H-hi Jungkook” You smiled back, poorly attempting to put your wallet back into your backpack.

“Need help there?” he noticed your agitated state and held your bag for you. He smelled just as heavenly as you had expected, somewhat between big dick energy and flowers. Oh, and he also remained as kind and polite as you remembered him.

Seeming as if he wasn’t planning on continuing his path to wherever he was heading to in the first place, he stood quietly by your side, waiting for you to be done with your deal. “How have you been?” you break the ice for him.

Quickly, you grab your tea and start walking back to the auditorium together, unaware of your surroundings or the suspicions that could arise. “Busy, but very good. How have you been? I saw your presentation earlier… I wish I understood half of what you said but you still sounded amazing”.

And you would never admit it out loud, but you were positive you were blushing (and falling in love too - platonically, of course). “Oh god, you think so? I basically told them they’ve been doing things wrong all along so maybe you’re the only one who’s appreciative of my work” you handed him the second can of iced tea you bought without him noticing. You swear his eyes lit up like stars in the night sky. “Payback for the other day” you smile at him.

The first time you two had crossed paths you didn’t look nearly as glamorous as you did now. In fact, you looked incredibly disturbed and in pain, carrying a huge pile of paperwork in your hands. But as soon as sweet Jungkook noticed your state, he offered you a hand and somehow ended up helping through your multiple data collecting trips that afternoon. It was a nice day.

“Anytime” he took the can in his hands with a shy look on his face. “Unless I’m practicing, you know…” you look down at his feet, with huge black boots engulfing them, and you smile due to their contrast with his personality. “Here, i’ll give you my number so you can call me whenever you need to put all those papers back. Hopefully I’ll be around” he added as he pulled his phone from his back pocket.

Way to get a girl’s number, my god.

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perseabethj · 3 years ago

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i don't really have an explanation (i.)

When Percy started his senior year in yet another school, he promised himself he would try his best to make sure nothing strange happened; sure, it wasn’t really up to him monster-wise, but he could at least try not to say anything strange to his new classmates or curse in ancient Greek. Besides, the last two years had been a mess and, with his kidnapping, it was not like he had much to say when he was told to introduce himself the first day of class -‘’hey, my name is Percy Jackson, my dad is a Greek god, and I was kidnapped last year and my memories were erased; oh, and I like blue food!’’. Yeah, that probably wouldn’t work.

Thus, Percy was known as the quiet and reserved kid in his school. This was a first for him; sure, he’d never had many friends, but he was always causing trouble. This time, however, he knew that Annabeth would kill him if, for any reason, he messed this school year up and he couldn’t go to New Rome University. He made friends -a first, excluding Grover and Tyson, who didn’t really count if you kept in mind that, well, they were his protector and his brother, and a satyr and a cyclops. He didn’t tell his friends much about him -his step-dad was an English teacher, he had been expelled from way too many schools, he had ADHD and dyslexia, he was very athletic, and he was going to try and join the swim team. He made sure to exclude everything that could be linked to his other life -he didn’t talk about his summer camp, his other friends, his huge dog, his father, or his girlfriend; Percy liked how both things didn’t go together, and he felt like it made everything easier. Whenever he talked, he sounded like a normal seventeen-year-old, and he was glad about that. He had had enough of monsters for a lifetime and, even if a hydra or a hellhound bothered him every other day, he could truly say that he could see a future for him and Annabeth that didn’t include them dying in the next five months. All in all, things were good.

When his school organized a homecoming football game, however, he did invite Annabeth; she was in a boarding school in the city, but it wasn’t that hard for her to sneak out with her New York Yankees cap, and he did want her there; it was a milestone for them. After all, Percy wasn’t supposed to reach senior year. They had agreed on meeting at the school; Percy had told Annabeth he’d meet her at the entrance once she texted him that she was close, since he was already at the bleachers with his friends. He wasn’t used to having a phone yet, however, which, in his opinion, gave him an excuse as to why he wasn’t checking his texts. Moreover, his ADHD tended to slow time down for him, so he was pretty sure that he still had thirty minutes before Annabeth was supposed to arrive.

‘’I swear, man, she was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen,’’ his friend Matthew said, leaning over Kayla so he could see him.

‘’You say that about every girl you meet.’’

‘’I don’t say that about you,’’ Matthew told Kayla, who elbowed him in the ribs and, promptly, shut him up.

Percy couldn’t help but laugh at Louis’s mocking expressions behind Matthew. He’d only known these people for less than a month, but they had accepted him into their little club as soon as they’d met him and he was infinitely grateful. As Louis opened his mouth to, probably, laugh at Matthew over his ability to fall in love at first sight everyday, Matthew and Kayla stopped laughing when they looked at Percy. Percy tensed up, his hand moving to his pocket to make sure that Riptide was with him in case he needed to kill a monster, but, when a pair of arms linked themselves around his shoulders from behind, he tensed up for a whole different reason.

‘’I didn’t think I’d see you here, Jackson,’’ a female voice said playfully close to his ear.

Percy disentangled himself from her arms and turned around to stare Mary in the eye.

‘’An athlete at a football game. Who would have though, right?’’ he ironically said.

Mary rolled her eyes and rested her hand on his shoulder. Percy had to resist the urge to slap it away, but he didn’t want to cause a scene -he knew a lot about causing scenes and, with his luck, slapping her hand away would lead to a monster trying to kill him, and he didn’t want to be expelled before he could even take his first test. He didn’t know what he’d done to gain her attention -she was popular and decidedly pretty, and he was an outcast. He knew he wasn’t bad-looking -if Piper described him as a Greek god once more, he might die; Annabeth telling him that he looked exactly like his father also didn’t help, since the two times Poseidon had shown up in the past year while he was with Annabeth had always led to Percy wondering whether his girlfriend found his father attractive-, and he spent so much time swimming that one would have to be blind not to notice that he had a nice body. However, the whole school knew about his experience with being kicked out of school, since some teachers had made sure to remind him to behave during the first week of classes, and the swim team wasn’t regarded as highly as the football or the hockey team. All in all, he wasn’t a mess -unlike thirteen-year-old Percy-, but he was guarded and serious enough not to attract the attention of preppy girls. Mary, however, seemed to be obsessed with him from the day he got her phone out of the swimming pool after she dropped it while flirting with another guy in his team -‘’keep it wet, keep it wet’’, he’d had to remind himself-, and he regretted being a nice guy ever since then. Honestly, if his mom hadn’t raised him to be such a good kid, most of the problems in his life wouldn’t have happened.

‘’You could sit with us if you wanted,’’ Mary told him, signaling to her girl friends.

Percy knew the invitation only extended to him and not to his friends, who were quiet during the conversation. They had been at that school for three years, so they knew Mary and her gang, and Percy knew they sometimes wondered why he didn’t drop them for the popular kids. He also knew that he would rather face the Minotaur again than sit with the popular kids.

‘’I’m quite happy where I am, thanks,’’ he politely answered, trying to end the chat before he said anything rude.

‘’But you would have more fun with us, I’m sure,’’ Mary insisted, running her finger down his arm.

In moments like this, he almost missed being the young kid he was when he first arrived to camp, skinny and short and with a voice way too high for anyone to consider him a man.

‘’No, thanks,’’ he said again, using his other arm to take his phone out of his pocket, hoping Annabeth wouldn’t take much longer. ‘’Besides, I’m waiting-‘’

‘’Perseus Jackson!’’

‘’Man, I am going to need a massage after this’’, he though as he tensed again. He noticed his friends drive their attention away from Mary, who had also looked towards the origin of the voice with furrowed brows, her finger still on Percy’s arm. Before turning around, Percy quickly looked at the time on his phone, silently cursing in Greek as he saw the multiple texts and missed calls that he clearly hadn’t heard.

‘’Why is there a beautiful blonde goddess walking towards Percy, yelling his full name and looking like she wants to kill him?’’ Matthew quietly asked, forcing Percy to stifle a laugh.

He turned around slowly, half-expecting her to have a dagger at his neck. She was still far enough for him to be able to think of a few excuses, but he knew that wouldn’t work. Man, he had been offended the first time she’d called him Seaweed Brain, but she’d really hit the nail on the head.

‘’I can explain,’’ he said while she was still a few metres away.

‘’Explain, then,’’ she told him, now standing in full height before him. He was quite taller than her, but a standing Annabeth with folded arms and a stormy look in her eyes before a sitting Percy who knew he’d messed up was definitely scary.

‘’I…’’ he started. ‘’I didn’t think I’d get this far, honestly. I think this might be the first time you let me explain and I’m not ready for this responsibility.’’

He knew that was the right answer -her eyes were now shining with mirth and he could tell he was holding back a smile. She still had her arms crossed, but he figured she wasn’t going to kill him in front of so many people, so he tugged at them and forced her to sit next to him before he could regret it.

‘’I really thought it was earlier. You know how I am with the time, and I’m still not used to the phone.’’

She finally unfolded her arms and shook her head as she smiled softly, and Percy knew she wasn’t mad any longer.

‘’The fact that I have experience navigating labyrinths doesn’t mean that I want to navigate your high school, Seaweed Brain,’’ she told him.

‘’Completely understandable, Wise Girl.’’

He threw his arm around her shoulder, all his previous conversations forgotten, and he was about to ask her about her day when another voice interrupted him.

‘’Excuse me, Percy, but who is this?’’ Mary asked from behind him.

Annabeth turned around, a fake smile on her lips as she took in the brunette girl sitting behind her.

‘’His girlfriend,’’ Annabeth said. ‘’Nice to meet you.’’

She offered Mary her hand, though still wrapped around Percy’s arm, and Mary took it automatically, a shocked expression on her face. Her friends looked back between her and Annabeth, equally confused.

‘’His girlfriend?’’ Matthew whisper-yelled.

Both Louis and Kayla nudged him with their elbows, earning a laugh from Percy, which made Annabeth look at them with a raised eyebrow.

‘’Guys, this is Annabeth, my girlfriend,’’ Percy introduced. ‘’Beth, these are Kayla, Matthew and Louis.’’

‘’You’ve mentioned them,’’ Annabeth said, extending her hand and offering a real smile. ‘’It’s nice to meet you. Anybody who manages to put up with Percy deserves to be admired.’’

‘’Hey!’’ Percy whined.

His friends sat there, flabbergasted, but he didn’t really mind. Sure, he could have told them in advance, but he also didn’t think it was that important that he had a girlfriend; he was not the first guy in school to have one, and he definitely wouldn’t be the last.

He didn’t have time to talk any more before the game started, but he did manage to hear Matthew whispering to Kayla and Louis as the players made it to the field.

‘’So not only is Percy the hottest guy at school, but he’s also dating the hottest girl in New York? How is that fair?’’

Percy smiled softly and pressed Annabeth closer to him, enjoying her warmth and having her next to him. This was how things were supposed to be.

#percabeth #my writing #percy #annabeth #percy jackson #annabeth chase #percabeth fanfiction #i don't really have an explanation

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cherriesradio · 4 years ago

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Poly! SFW alphabet Sero + Denki !!

Credit for the template to @the-coldest-goodbye !!

Warnings: slight angst

Word Count: 1.7k

A = Affection

Sero isn’t TOO affectionate, he like giving you + Denki affection but doesn’t really love getting it himself :/ which is fine, but both of you wanna spoil him SO BAD

Denki is VERY affectionate!!! Whenever he’s walking by he’ll kiss the others cheek/shoulder, and he’ll hug them from behind when their cooking, hold both of your hands in public, unless one of you ask him not too

B = Best Friend

Sero was first friends with Denki but eventually you got into their friendship, and he adored you since the beginning. You were so funny and cute and even if you aren’t smart he doesn’t really care, he’s friends with Denki after all.

Denki was friends with you since you were kids but you transferred to UA in the middle of first year. He introduced you to Sero :) he loves doing “favors” as he puts them, like buy you snacks and will get anything you need from the store if he can afford it (will likely use his whole allowance on you two)

C = Cuddles

Again, Sero isn’t to into getting affection. He’s mostly the big spoon but if he’s feeling bad that day/night/afternoon he’ll ask if he can lay his head on you or Denki’s chest

Denki loves cuddles, at first he would accidentally shock you two because he got to excited. Is often in the middle of all three of you are cuddling. All three of you mostly cuddle at night, most other times it’s just you and Denki, sometimes while Sero does work and play music in the background :)

D = Domestic

Sero cooks the most cause he’s the only one who wasn’t scared to cook with Bakugo. He’s not near as good as him but he can still cook. He hates cleaning but will remind you and Denki when you clean the apartment.

Denki doesn’t mind clean but HATES washing the dishes. If it’s his turn he just shoved everything in the dishwasher that barely works because he broke it ten times and tried (his best) to fix it.

E = Ending

Sero, if he broke it off, would break it off really gently. He would be really nervous and you both would try to hold his hand but he would shake them off, softly mutter “I’m not happy like this anymore.”

Denki would be overwhelmed. He would be fidgety most of the day, he’s the type who gets so comfortable he can’t imagine leaving. So he just keeps it in till you two start noticing that he’s fidgety and nervous a lot and then finally tells you two.

F = Fiancé’s

Sero isn’t very sure. He’s scared of commitment but in the end realizes that he wants to be with you two for his whole life, and that he is a better person because of you both.

Since the start Denki wanted to marry you both, but he thought of it as teenage bliss. But once you were out of college and hero’s, and you were still together, he brought up marriage.

G = Gentle

Sero is often gentle. He can play around really wild but at home when it’s chill he’s really soft and sleepy often times. But he does admit that he once gave Denki a bruise from playing to hard-

Denki is capable of being gentle. If he’s cuddling or comforting one of you, he’s really gentle and soft spoken. But other times he’ll poke your sides and zap you, or play wrestle.

H = Hugs

Even if he’s not too into affection, he’s really good at it. He does that thing where he wraps his arm around your middle and then the other is sat on your head, probably accidentally pushing you into his neck.

Denki loves to pick you two up and spin you around when he’s excited!!! When he’s a little more ~chillax~ he’ll pick you up wrap your legs around his waist and wzhrdkkeasjpifvfwqwonf

I = “I love you two.”

Tbh Sero said dropped L-bombs even when you were just friends. A lot of the time when you made him laugh is would get out and a few years into the relationship he admits that he meant it almost everytime

Denki says it pretty early into the relationship. Not like “we’ve gone on three dates and I’m in love with you” kinda thing but a about two months in he says he thinks he’s in love. You and Sero say that your not sure if your ready to sya it yet, and he’s completely okay with it.

J = Jealous

Neither of them get jealous of each other. There have been times before you all got together when they would get a little mad at other people for checking you out (and you would too lol) and start getting extra clingy but besides that their chill.

K = Kisses

Sero is the one more into on-the-mouth kisses. By that I’m not saying he needs them constantly, I’m saying he likes them more then Denki. He often uses quick pecks as hellos and longing, “you probably lay in bed tonight TJ knowing of it” kisses. If he’s bored he does those Spider-Man kisses, and if your a little to far he’ll use his tape to pull you over.

Denki isn’t as into on-the-mouth kisses. When you were only friends you had a inside joke where he would kiss both of your hands when greeting you both. As I said before he likes kissing your cheeks and foreheads, ADORES the “getting both cheek kissed at the same time” kisses!!!

L = Little Ones

They both LOVE Gravity Falls. There are way to many times they babysat Eri and either played Gravity Falls or sung the karaoke song. Basically their only experiences with kids is Eri???

M = Mornings

Denki and Sero and total bed heads and refuse to get out of bed before like, 9:59. You usually get up before them and make them both coffee, and I love the idea of getting sticky notes and labeling their mugs, a doodling on them. Like with Denki it would be little lightning bolts and with Sero it would be flex tape.

N = Nights

All of you go to bed at a pretty normal time, around 10 or 11, but… Denki. Denki is for sure the type who will not fall asleep in like ten minutes and then would get on his phones cause he “can’t sleep” and wake you and Sero up.

O = Opening up

When you were just friends you all got pretty close. You and Sero knew about Denkis ADHD, you and Denki knew about Sero’s insecurities about his quirk, they knew your past.

But when it turned romantic and even closer is when they really got how every felt, starts ranting for hours about how they felt and how it affects them now.

P = Patience

Neither of them get angry that easy, even if you do something that would upset them they end up thinking it’s a joke :/

Which does become a problem, but you all put effort into talking to each other about problems.

Q = Quizzes

Sero remembers really little things - like what your favorite emoji is and your favorite pop tart flavors - but it’s hard for him to remember bigger stuff like… your parents names :-/

Denki is the opposite. He’ll remember if you like the same thing, but it’s easier for him to remember stuff if you mention it more. Like, around you birthday Sero would remind him every day “hey Y/n’s birthday is in a few days.” So he would remember.

R = Remember

One of your favorite memories is going to this ice cream shop. It’s not like it was the specialist place or gloriously beautiful, but it shows your dynamic well. Denki kept poking you and zapping, and Sero pulled so many jokes and puns. You giggled and then showered them in attention as soon as you got home.

S = Security

Sero is pretty good at protecting you. If he feels a threat, he’ll just wrap his arm around your waist and hold his other arm to where you can clearly recognize him as a hero.

Denki is VERY protective. Because of his ADHD (a headcanon), he once hyper-fixated on how many people get robbed and how many girls get raped and how many poc get killed out on the streets. He used to be more worried about himself but now he gets really scared for you and Sero.

T = Try

Sero usually makes casual dates. Like quick walk before work, or a home cooked dinner. But sometimes he’ll plan out big dates for holidays and anniversaries.

He makes the weirdest excuses for planning big dates. “Its national national cream puff day we need to go to the fancy restaurant down the road and get some.”

U = Ugly

DENKI USES SO MUCH TEXT SPEAK I SWEAR

Sero always does his errands at rush hour???

They both where the ugliest shoes JUST to annoy you.

V = Vanity

Sero does not care to much for his looks. He used to be insecure about his looks as a teen but since then you and Denki shower him in compliments so all of the insecurities died away after a bit.

W = Whole

Sero wouldn’t. He’s become a better persona FB happier because of both of you. He can’t imagine losing you both. He has nightmares sometimes about you two dying or breaking up with him, and it’s breaks him.

Denki wouldn’t either. He thinks he would barely be able to function by himself without you two. He associates you both with his growth and how much you all have improved over the years.

X = Xtra

They randomly get obsessed with random things. One day you’ll come home to them trying to teach themselves the ukulele, or trying to bake but making a huge mess, or trying to code.

Y = Yuck

Sero hates pda. At least involving him. He doesn’t care if you and Denki heckin make out in public, just don’t do it in front of him.

Denki doesn’t like how much work you both have. He can make big hits and break off up to hundreds of people at once, so he didn’t have to stay at work to long. But you and Sero care a bit more than him (he still cares tho) and he hates just sitting at home alone.

Z = Zzzz

Denki stays up late a lot from staying on his phone, but if you and Sero really commit to ~cuddles~ than he’s willing.

Reblogs appreciated!!

#tw robbery mention #tw racism mention #poly mha #mha #sero x reader #denki x reader #Sero x Denki #Denki x Sero x reader #tw rape mention

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chalkrevelations · 3 years ago

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OK, Word of Honor, Episode 9, and I know last time I got deep in the weeds about symbolism, but this week, I’m getting back to basics and rambling on (and on) about what this show is really about: Zhou Zishou and Wen Kexing and their relationship.

First, though, the usual warning: SPOILERS. Not just for this episode, but potentially for the entire show, so drive past and circle back around later if you want to watch all 36.5 eps unspoiled.

Bear with me on this one, because this ep spends a LOT of time on ZZS and WKX, and I think a lot of that time is ZZS making some Monumental Life Decisions, including how he’s going to proceed in this relationship and how he’s going to approach his life moving forward. But I’m finding myself needing to work through it chronologically, and it’s. A Lot. Also, let’s face it, ZZS has been my ride-or-die at least since he dropped to his knees and started disrobing in the middle of the throne room in Ep 1, so a chance to wallow in his emotional journey is a chance I’m gonna take.

So, we do have a brief opener when we find out Dead Guy who the Yueyang disciple was shrieking about at the end of the last ep is Fang Buzhi, AKA the Nine Clawed Fox, the guy who lifted WKX’s (Danyang) Glazed Armor (along with some replicas). He got got by mysterious somebodies in the previous episode, and we find out now that he has three tiny needles in his neck, which ZZS recognizes as a Tian Chuang technique. This leads ZZS to 1) assume it must have been Han Ying who did it, so the (Danyang) Glazed Armor is now in the hands of Tian Chuang, and 2) realize that maybe this is not the best place for the former leader of Tian Chuang to be hanging out right now, so he makes their excuses, because he knows that Gao Chong must be VERY BUSY now that he’s got this corpse on his hands, so they’ll just BE GOING, thanks so much. Gao Chong hopes to see them at the Hero’s Conference, and WKX responds in a Significant Tone that of course he’ll be at the Hero’s Conference, and now ZZS has his Thinky Face on again, because WKX is not nearly as subtle as he seems to think he is when he’s making Pronouncements.

The ZZS/WKX Show really starts kicking into gear that night, at the Getting Lucky Good Luck Inn, where we open on ZZS wandering contemplatively around his room, looking beautiful in the soft light of evening (your FACE, Zhang Zhehan) and ruminating on Prince Jin’s motives for wanting the Glazed Armor, like he’s never met this power-hungry asshole before. Also, he thinks to himself, wtf was that, with Gao Chong keeping anybody from seeing Chengling in the last ep? There’s a knock on the door, which momentarily confuses him - understandably, because as we’ll see, WKX doesn’t generally get the concept of announcing yourself and waiting to be invited in by knocking first, preferring to dramatically bust open doors (at least to ZZS’s bedroom) and grace you with his presence, whatever your thoughts on the matter are. He’s accompanied by waiters and dinner, and ZZS realizes his senses are going, presumably because he can’t smell this spread that WKX has procured in an attempt to prove what a good provider he is (what did I say about food and bonding? ZZS fed him in the market, and now it’s his turn to feed ZZS). WKX tells us that life is just three hots and a cot - which gives away more about your life than you would likely be comfortable with us knowing, Lao Wen, given how close to the vest you’re holding your cards – and that everything else can wait if you can have a meal with someone you like. :coff: (Also, remember this, it will come around again.)

Cut to dinner by flickering candlelight, the better for soft lighting to caress ZZH’s exquisite face, but ZZS isn’t into it at all, staring into space instead of eating WKX’s proffered Courtship Delicacies. This earns what’s possibly WKX’s most hypocritical and amusing comment yet, which is to ask ZZS, “What is it that you can’t tell me?” ZZS - apparently - is still feeling soft about WKX’s help against Tian Chuang’s Chengling-kidnapping attempt - or maybe he’s thinking that a little bit of opening up on his part will soften up WKX - because he hardly has to have a spoon dug into his ribs at all to admit that he’s wondering if it was a mistake to bring Chengling to Five Lakes Alliance. My dude, just steal him back, then. WKX laughs at him and tells him he’s got such a handsome face (true) along with a kind and innocent heart (false, he’s a former government spook and assassin, a part-time ill-tempered gremlin, and a whole-ass troll), and therefore girls will clearly go crazy for him (true, just ask me). ANYWAY, A-Xu, (WKX continues) now that the requisite random no-homo boilerplate is out of the way, are you really thinking of taking on Chengling as a disciple, because now is apparently not too soon to have the adoption conversation about Our Son. I almost expect him to pull out the adoption papers then and there. Instead, he pulls out a story - which is awkwardly placed and kind of clunky, actually, despite being thematically important - of a dog he had once, given to him by Someone Very Important, although of course he’s not going to say who that was (:facepalm:), and his mother warning him that he’d have to take care of it for life, and then he betrayed it.

So, there’s a lot going on here. We’ll eventually find out that ZZS gave Zhen Yan a puppy, so will this story of a gift dog jog ZZS’s memory into realizing that WKX is Zhen Yan without WKX actually telling him, so that WKX can tell his Bundle of Neuroses that it’s not reeeaaallly WKX’s fault ZZS figured it out? Also, WKX sees ZZS being like this about Chengling, and in the Chengling = Zhen Yan equation we’ve already established, is it possible this will prime ZZS to remember another disciple/young boy he took responsibility for, at one point? Of course, on ZZS’s side of things, it’s possible that hearing about this dog that WKX failed is likely to remind him of the way he failed his own responsibility to all the other disciples of Siji Manor, so, excellent way to take a stab at his heart, WKX! However, ZZS breaks the miserable tone we’ve become mired in by smacking WKX, chiding him for comparing their son to a dog, and getting them drinking. See, here, Chengling is the dog. Earlier, the two sisters A-Xiang rescued were the dog. Later, A-Xiang will be the dog. Unfortunately, WKX is going to have a blind spot and never quite realize that, in the Ghost Valley schema he’s set up, the Department of the Unfaithful is also the dog, but we’ll get to that in later eps. For now, cut to later that night: After dinner and a washup, ZZS sits on his bed, and we get some special effects to indicate that his hearing is also giving him problems, so he deploys his special Nightly Nails Torment meditation pose, and then we get the second instance of WKX playing the xiao to help him meditate and rest. (Junjun, your hands on that xiao …) ANYWAY, we get a gorgeous little bit of physical acting from ZZH here that could easily have been overplayed but is nicely restrained and subtle, with just the slightest smile when ZZS realizes WKX is playing, and then his whole body visibly relaxing as he allows himself to sink into WKX’s now-familiar musical embrace the meditation. It is :chef’s kiss:

Cut to next AM, when ZZS is now a very cranky boy, and I get this, because I also am exceedingly irritated when people bust into the room where I’m sleeping with an abundance of cheerfulness and try to get me to interact and do things without at least half an hour to creep my way out of bed, two cups of coffee, and an hour of silence before any attempts to converse like a reasonable human being (I’m looking at YOU, mom), and I don’t even have the excuse of seven Nails pinning me. Also, when WKX whips off the blankets, we learn that ZZH dresses to the right. :hands: I’m just making an observation. So, WKX wants to go to Yuefan Tower like some kind of wide-eyed tourist, and despite some smacking and scowling and death threats, we then smash-cut to the Tower, where ZZS has apparently come to the conclusion that the only way to deal with the ADHD gremlin crawling into his bed is to humor him about this daytrip. I think you could have come up with some more creative ideas that didn’t involve leaving bed, but I guess you’re not the fast one in this relationship, Zhou-ge. Srsly, though, I’m sure WKX would have been happy to do all the work, my dude. (I don’t always have strong top-bottom preferences, but you probably aren’t going to have much luck convincing me that ZZS is not a pillow princess who wants to just lay back and be spoiled. “Aren’t you a very capable man?” indeed. WKX has to do ALL THE WORK, god. I don’t know if I’m swimming against the current here – god knows I was in Inception fandom, where I felt the same way about Eames - but here we are.) Also, I can’t believe WKX didn’t just sit in the bedroom and creep on A-Xu’s beautiful sleeping profile for at least the amount of time it would have taken to drink a pot of tea, another viable option if it was me in this scenario. Tch. What kind of stalker are you, Lao Wen?

ANYWAY, at Yuefang Tower, ZZS tells us about the Four Sages of Anji, a senior-citizen polycule of soulmates who are, conveniently, at this very moment, on a boat in the lake beside the tower, playing music and sword-dancing. This is the first time they’ve been seen in 10+ years, after they put down their various swords and ran off together to live like hippies off-the-grid in the woods, probably skipping around naked, drinking “tea,” and having lots of sex. ZZS sighs wistfully while recounting this tale and calls them “a breath of fresh air.” There’s some discussion and poetry quoting and literary references to soulmates, and somewhere in here we get a shot of ZZS and WKX from behind which makes it super-obvious how hard they’re working the costumes to make Gong Jun look as broad as possible. He’s got the power shoulders on this set of robes, compared to Laopo ZZS’s soft, unstructured, flowing robes, and with those shoulders tapering down to the belted waist, they’ve got Junjun seriously working the Chris Evans Dorito silhouette. Meanwhile, focus back on their conversation: ZZS thinks that “the world is not important, finding a soulmate is,” giving some MAJOR FORESHADOWING for the end of the show (which we are accepting as “Ep” 37 because WE ARE), when we get that icy separation from the rest of the world but they have each other. WKX gives him a yearning look. ZZS looks back … there’s really no other way to put this … coyly, not meeting WKX’s gaze directly. This offers WKX and us a chance to admire his profile once again, thank you, Laopo. ZZS waits until WKX looks back out at the lake before looking at him directly, and his face journey, y’all. He’s thinking that it might not be bad to spend his remaining time with this soulmate, I think he’s starting to re-think the slow suicide, and he’s also thisclose to just letting WKX have him. Y’all, he seriously wants WKX so bad, here. It may be the first time we’ve seen this level of interest from him - it may be the first time, in all that we’ve seen of him, that he allows himself to even have that kind of interest. I think this is the next big step from Ep 6, when he allowed himself to enjoy being desired - now he’s allowing himself to desire, to want something again, other than a chance to drink himself to death in the gutter. This, right here, is a crucial point when he makes the decision to spend whatever time he’s got left living rather than just dying, and I’m flailing on the couch. This is the face of a man who’s ready to Make Some Declarations while getting railed within an inch of his life. SOMEONE IS GETTING SOME TONIGHT. Or he would if he wasn’t going to turn out to be such a fuckup. FFS, WKX.

But first, we cut to a scene of them back at the marketplace, wandering through as WKX mocks various sects in town for the conference – including the Mount Hua boys, who apparently look like virgins make their first trip to a brothel – and ZZS supplies background info on them. WKX asks if ZZS can tell what sect WKX is from, and ZZS calls him a messy bitch before asking if WKX can please stop making him play guessing games about everything and just tell him what WKX so clearly wants ZZS to know. (I know, right? But no, because then WKX might get what he wants, and he’s way too terrified for that, so you have to guess. That way, it’s not his fault when you figure out who he is and reject him, as anyone clearly will do because he’s unlovable and unforgiveable and not even really human, A-Xu.) WKX immediately changes the subject to ramble about the Hero’s Conference and how laughable all the sects are for wanting to be seen as heroes, blah blah blah, rinse and repeat. ZZS comments that only inexperienced people want to be heroes, that experienced people know “every character of the word hero is written in blood,” and yes, the character they’re using for hero, “ying,” is still the same character used in Han Ying’s name (which is not, by the way, the “ying” used in Wei Ying’s name, to cross streams for a moment). ZZS says he’s too old to be a hero (I and my knees feel you, my dude), now he’s just a wanderer, and he asks if WKX wants to be a hero or a wanderer, and WKX says that as a wanderer, all he needs is ZZS, and I’m telling you, someone absolutely would be getting some tonight if only he wasn’t such a fuckup, Lao Wen.

I’m’a try to wrap this up soon, because it’s gotten v. long, but we then cut to that night at the Getting Lucky Inn, ZZS drinking in his room, WKX busting in with his usual dramatic flair, with wine, inviting ZZS up to the roof to drink and look at the moon. He clearly has ulterior motives, but unfortunately for everyone, we’re going to discover they’re not the ulterior motives ZZS is expecting. As they lean back on the roof together, hands almost-but-not-quite touching, a romantic tune playing, WKX tells ZZS that he’s like, really happy! Just super happy! So happy! Ask me why I’m so happy, A-Xu! Spoiler alert: It is, unfortunately, not because he’s getting ready to get some from his laopo. This is particularly unfortunate, because ZZS chooses this moment to take another big step in this relationship, telling WKX that he’s not going to ask about things WKX doesn’t want to tell him, that he’ll wait for whatever WKX wants to tell him. On the surface, this comes off a little bit like, I’m done with asking when you’re not going to answer anyway, but in context – particularly on the back of the earlier scene when ZZS watched WKX turn on a dime and immediately change the subject to avoid exposing anything when ZZS asked WKX to stop making him guess everything – this is as good as a declaration of going all-in. ZZS is committing to this relationship on faith, without having all – or even most – of the answers about WKX, and his approach is going to be to wait until WKX is ready to reveal whatever information he feels safe and comfortable revealing. In practice, he’s going to end up being better or worse at this, depending on the day, but what it reminds me of, already, is that moment in the 20s (Ep 21? 22?) when A-Xiang and Cao Weining are arguing about her killing the beggar guy, he approaches her, she yells at him and points to the ground to indicate exactly how close he’s allowed to get to her, and his respect of that boundary she lays down is instantaneous and absolute. That’s what ZZS is saying he’s going to at least try to do, here. It also reminds me of the way he’s going to respect WKX’s decision on whether or not WKX is going to claim his place as a disciple of Siji Manor, without it affecting their relationship, so we really are starting as ZZS means to go on, here.

Unfortunately, we then find out that what WKX is actually so happy about is that his plan to burn down the jianghu is starting its next big step, and their romantic evening is interrupted by a bunch of dudes fighting and killing each other over a bunch of fake Glazed Armor. WKX mentions that he’s so happy the show’s started; he’s alternately amused, satisfied, and smug as they watch various fights; he seems to be expecting ZZS to also be amused; and I feel like the implication is that this was his real motive for inviting ZZS out onto the roof, to be able to watch this show with him. ZZS – who’s spent enough time standing ankle-deep in blood for six lifetimes and was working hard just a few weeks ago at drinking himself to death to try to forget what that feels like - is displeased and horrified, rather than very proud of what WKX has accomplished; he pushes WKX away from him when WKX approaches him to ask if he doesn’t think it’s all so very amusing; and he calls WKX crazy, then turns his back on him and walks away. To make things worse, the next morning, after WKX brings breakfast to ZZS’s room and actually knocks, only to find that ZZS has left in the middle of the night, WKX will witness an angry mob gathered outside the house in the woods where the Four Sages of Anji are staying for the Hero’s Conference, demanding a piece of the Glazed Armor the Sages are supposedly holding for Gao Chong, and eventually leading to the deaths of all four of these peaceful aging hippies whose commune in the woods was ZZS’s ultimate dream, leaving WKX horrified by the fact that his actions have consequences, including some that are going to make his boyfriend even more pissed off at him.

SO. All that happened. There were some other people in the episode, too:

We see A-Xiang and Cao Weining having lunch. She asks him why he’s not eating, calls him fat and cute, then proceeds to tell him about Ghoul, who likes to eat the faces of pretty boys. Her conversation skills could still use some work. Cao Weining vows to kill the ghosts of Ghost Valley who would do such awful things. A-Xiang actually ignores this slander about the evil of the residents of the Ghost Valley in a way that she doesn’t usually – usually she looks kind of unhappy when the Evilness of the Evil Inhabitants of the Evil Ghost Valley comes up, going all the way back to ZZS’s comments in Ep 2. Right now, she’s too busy pumping Pooh Bear for information, asking about why the Ghost Valley would have left a pile of heads on Yueyang’s doorstep if the Five Lakes Alliance is so great, so what is Five Lakes going to maybe, perhaps, do about this? Cao-dage is suspicious … that A-Xiang might be scared, but don’t worry, he’ll protect her. Oh, sweetheart. I could eat you up with a spoon, right along with Ghoul. Also, it finally registers that A-Xiang called him cute, but she has to step away for a quick confab with a henchwoman.

We also have to watch Chengling get bullied some more by a Yueyang shixiong who I think is Gao Shan, who we’ll later see bullying some prisoners in the Yueyang dungeon as he admits that he’s doing it to relieve his own frustrations and make himself feel better - fantastic disciples you’ve got there, Gao Chong, I’m super-impressed by the morality and ethics you’re instilling as a sect. Once again, I have to consider WKX’s position on the jianghu as a hive of scum and villainy. Anyway, once Bullying Hour is over, Chengling runs into A-Xiang, and he can’t manage to prevent the waterworks as he confesses that he thought he’d never see any of them again and that ZZS didn’t want him. UGH. Zhou Zishu, come and get your child back. He’s at least somewhat mollified by Xiang-jie telling him she’s been sent to take care of him, and god knows she’s managed to keep WKX fed and clothed this long, so she has some experience as a minder, as counterintuitive as that seems.

We get a quick shot of Han Ying (My Beloved) with two identical pieces of Glazed Armor, apparently realizing that there are fakes out there.

Deng Kuan shows up, beaten and stumbling, and nearly gets turned away at the front gates of his own sect as a beggar – have I mentioned how unimpressed I am by the Yueyang disciples? Deng Kuan appears to be the only one of them worth anything – before they realize who he is. He is put to bed and tenderly nursed by Gao Xiaolian, who cries over him as he won’t wake up.

Finally, Gao Chong, Shen Shen and Zhao Jing (uh-huh) are horrified to discover that there’s fake Glazed Armor fk’n everywhere in town, making Five Lakes Alliance look ridiculous, which is just fabulous as the Hero’s Conference is coming up, guys. Shen Shen, because everything is a nail, vows to kill anyone who makes problems. Later, Hei Zi, who plays Gao Chong, has an utterly fantastic moment after the deaths of the Four Sages (wow, I did not remember that we wrapped up their entire storyline within a single ep), when he’s haranguing Beggar Gang Chief and is literally all, “You want the Glazed Armor? :pulls a piece out of his robe: HERE. You want some more? :pulls another piece out of his robe: TAKE IT.” It’s a great acting moment, his delivery is perfection.

#zhou zishu #wen kexing #zhang chengling #gu xiang #cao weining #han ying #deng kuan #gao chong #word of honor #word of honor episode reax

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adhdzagreus · 4 years ago

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30 for thanzagmeg hehehehehe

ThanZagMeg + 30. “Detention? Again?”

It could be weird, but I think I'm into it You know I'm one for the overly passionate I like you, and I loved him We could all be the best kind of friends

In the Middle // dodie

CW: innuendo and a dash of ableism

Thanatos was waiting for him at their usual spot next to Zagreus’ locker. He looked bored and handsome which made Zagreus feel even worse about what he had to do. A faint smile crossed Thanatos’ face when he saw him.

“There you are,” he said. “Any ideas where we’re going today?”

“I think it’s Megaera’s turn to pick,” Zagreus said. “Though about that--”

“Talking about me behind my back, are we?” came a voice in his ear. Megaera had joined them without his noticing, and now she curled her arm around his waist with a casual possessiveness that made his stomach flutter.

“Zagreus says it’s your turn to pick where we go for our date today. Is he correct?” Thanatos said with his subtle, mysterious smile.

“Hm. He is, for once,” she said. The bite of her words was undercut by her own smile.

“Don’t be too proud of me,” he said. “I can’t actually make it today.”

The smiles vanished from both of his partners’ faces. Megaera withdrew her arm from around his waist to look at him. “Why not, Zagreus?” she said.

“I, erm, have detention. I’m sorry.” He wilted slightly under the stern gaze of both his partners and Megaera’s use of his full name.

“Detention? Again?” Thanatos said. “What did you do this time, Zagreus?”

“I wasn’t paying attention in class. You know, Theseus, he has a tendency to go on and on, and it’s all really rather boring.” None of his classes were especially interesting, but Theseus’ had to be one of the worst, especially since he tended to take long tangents to talk about himself instead of whatever he was supposed to be teaching.

“Tch,” said Megaera. “He has a lot of nerve for such a recent hire.”

Thanatos frowned. “Zag, you told him you get accommodations for your ADHD, right?”

Zagreus brushed back his hair awkwardly. “Erm, no. It’s hard to get a word in edgewise with him. Besides, he doesn’t like me as it is.” Zagreus tried to play it off with a laugh, but neither Thanatos nor Megaera looked amused.

“Zag, are you serious right now?” Megaera said.

“...yes? He really doesn’t like me, and I really haven’t told him,” he said.

Thanatos sighed. “All right. It’s 3:04, and you’re supposed to be in detention when?”

Zagreus grimaced, dread settling in his stomach like an ice cube. “Four minutes ago.”

“Zagreus, you idiot, why didn’t you just text us?” Meg said.

“I thought it would be rude to cancel over text! And I wanted to see you two… We don’t have any of the same classes after all.” He ducked his head.

Megaera looked like she didn’t know whether to be mad or pleased.

“Well, what’s done is done,” said Thanatos. “What room is detention in? We should get going before it gets even later.”

“It’s in 224-- Wait, what do you mean, we should get going? Are you coming with me?”

“Obviously,” Thanatos said. “If you won’t stand up for yourself, I guess we have to do it for you.”

“You really don’t have to do that, Than. It’s not a big deal,” Zagreus said. He turned to Megaera, hoping she would take his side, but instead, she said, “Good idea, Thanatos, let’s get going.”

She seized Zagreus by his left hand and started off towards Room 224, leaving Thanatos to catch up and grab Zag’s right hand.

“I can’t believe you two,” he said as they escorted him to Room 224.

“I can’t believe you would just take this lying down,” Thanatos said.

“Oh, I can,” Megaera said with a grin as sweet and dangerous as poisoned honey. “You’re a glutton for punishment, aren’t you, Zag?”

Zagreus flushed. “Meg, you need to stop talking like that if you want me to be able to say anything sensible in my own defense. Besides…” He paused. “Only at your hands.”

“Ahem,” said Thanatos.

Zagreus grinned. “You’re welcome to try, Than.”

Thanatos smiled serenely. “I may take you up on that, Zagreus.”

Zagreus wondered if he was going to live long enough to regret saying that or if he was going to drop dead on the spot from a heart attack. Hopefully, the former. It was sure to be the kind of regret he was deeply into.

Much sooner than Zagreus would’ve liked, they arrived at Room 224, a perfectly ordinary classroom that happened to contain one of his least favorite teachers.

Theseus was standing at the front of the room, waiting impatiently, when he saw Zagreus enter, followed by Megaera and Thanatos. “You’re eight minutes late! What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Eight minutes exactly? Have you been keeping count?” Zagreus replied without thinking.

“The insolence of you!” Theseus declared. “And who have you brought with you? Your partners in crime?”

“In a manner of speaking,” said Thanatos. “I am Thanatos, and that is Megaera. I don’t believe we’ve met.”

Zagreus watched Theseus’ brow furrow as he registered the names (which he had surely seen plastered on the Honor Roll listings and various trophies) and could not make sense of them in this context. “What business do the two of you have with this delinquent?”

Zagreus assumed that meant him. “They’re my partners, if you must know, and they’re none too happy you’ve kept me from our date today, mate.”

Theseus looked absolutely baffled at this, like the idea of Zagreus having one partner, let alone two, was completely foreign to him.

“That is a concern, yes,” Thanatos said. “But if anything, I’m more concerned about a first-year teacher violating an IEP.”

Now Theseus looked thunderstruck which was so amusing to Zagreus that he immediately forgave Thanatos for meddling. “You cannot be talking about me!”

“Are there any other first-year teachers here?” Megaera said, looking at Theseus like one might a piece of gum stuck underneath a desk.

Theseus looked around and confirmed that there was not. “Be that as it may! What could you possibly be referring to?”

Zagreus cleared his throat. “Erm, hello?”

Theseus squinted at him. “Is this some kind of trick?”

“What? No!” Zagreus said. “Look, I probably should’ve mentioned it before, but you did make it pretty hard to get a word in. I know it’s not really an excuse for not paying attention, but--”

“Zag, hush,” said Megaera. “What he means to say is if you’d been willing to supply accommodations sooner, this wouldn’t have happened. Fortunately, it’s not too late to fix things.”

That was not what Zag had been trying to say, but Thanatos picked up the thread before he could say anything.

“Certainly, there were mistakes on both sides,” he said. “But now that you’re aware of Zagreus’ need for accommodations, surely you can see how ill-advised it would be to give him detention before you’ve even tried to accommodate his ADHD.”

Zagreus was slightly in awe of his partners’ ability to command the room. They’d managed to turn what he thought of as his own mistake back on Theseus.

“ADHD? Well, how was I to know that? I thought he was just insolent and flighty!”

“Oi, I’m right here, mate.”

“Quiet, I’m thinking,” Theseus commanded with a wave of his hand. Zagreus turned to his partners and gave them an exasperated look.

“Have patience,” Thanatos murmured. “I think we’ve almost gotten through to him.”

“Very well!” Theseus said suddenly. “You may have a reprieve. Be thankful I am so magnanimous and that I want to get home to my roommate. Begone from my sight, and some time before next class, email me your list of demands, demon!”

“All right…” Zagreus said slowly. He turned and headed out the door. “Did he just call me a demon?” he asked his partners.

“Zagreus, I don’t want to think about the things that man said,” Thanatos said. “I would be happy to never speak to him again.”

“Yes, he did,” Megaera answered. “He needs to learn to mind his tongue, or he won’t have it much longer.”

Zagreus laughed. “Erm… Thank you both. I can’t say I was looking forward to detention with Theseus.”

“Hm. You’re welcome, Zag,” Megaera said.

Thanatos waved him off. “There’s nothing to be thankful for. I was happy to straighten things out for you.”

Zag smiled and took both of their hands in his own, Meg on his left and Than on his right. “So. It’s Meg’s turn to pick. Where are we headed?”

#this was the only song i had for an ot3 if anyone had recs pls tell meeee #hades 2020 #prompt fill #thanzagmeg #hades #death blood and fury

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littlemissagrafina · 4 years ago

Text

You'll be okay (Cause you're never alone)

(A female Peter Parker and irondad vent fic delving heavily into mental health. If any of the tags are triggering to you, please don't read it. Stay safe, loves.)

Read on AO3

Peyton knew she was loved, she did, but it didn't matter to her brain what she knew. It didn't agree with her. It never did.

When her body felt tired and her arms craved to wrap around her loved ones, her brain would be there trying to convince Peyton that her wants were a burden.

When her eyes wanted nothing more than to cry waterfalls of tears and her body shook with the shivers her anxiety left behind, her mind berated her, told her she was overreacting.

And when Peyton's heart ached with the burden of the sadness her mind bestowed upon it, her mind was there with thoughts of doubt of the love she knew from her family, with fears and losses amplified until she was drowning in a never ending sea of emotion.

A deep ocean she never let out. All thanks to the words her mind spun around and around in her head, some with no foundation, and some that were all too true.

Peyton never was able to tell which ones hurt more. Those built from truth or those from doubts. It was something she didn't ever think she would know for sure.

What she did know, however, was that she couldn't escape from either kind.

Those borne from doubts could at least occasionally be rationalised far easier than those borne in truth.

But the ones that had a foundation of fact… they ached. They burned and twisted in a way that was different from the doubting ones.

They settled into her chest and tightened until she couldn't breathe.

They couldn't be softened the way that doubt born ones could, and as such, they haunted Peyton far worse than any other.

They followed in her every interaction, every move, every word she spoke. It was what had forced her to hide herself away and for the weight to all start building upon her back in the first place.

They stemmed from May and Peyton hated that her aunt, her mother in all but blood, was the start of her spiraling that she tried so hard to hide.

Peyton loved May with all of her heart and she knew that the woman loved her just as deeply. They were so close and such a part of each other… but that didn't take away from the way May's views, misunderstanding, and ignorance had affected Peyton.

It didn't change the years of being told everything would be fine and that she was smart, she couldn't possibly be struggling with anything.

"You just have to apply yourself more, Sweetheart."

It didn't change the countless bad days where all Peyton had wanted to do was curl up in her bed and not get up only for her aunt to say that she had no reason to be sad.

"I know things have been hard in the past, Pey, but we're fine now. There's no reason to be sad."

It didn't change the many times that May had dismissed her when Peyton had tried to bring up her thoughts on possibly being ADHD.

"You're not hyper, Peyton. You can't have ADHD."

And it didn't change the time when she finally said she battled with anxiety only for May to tell her, "Just don't be anxious then."

Moments like those were repeated over and over again for years until Peyton eventually gave up.

She started hiding her fear of school.

Her depression was covered by fake smiles and countless jokes in a bid to be okay.

Lack of concentration and daydreaming was disguised as thinking about homework or a new idea for her lab time with Mr. Stark.

Shaking hands and anxiety hives were brushed aside as needing something to eat and her shirts or hoodies making her itch.

Slowly but surely, Peyton became a master of excuses. Although many of them she probably only got away with due to her aunt's decidedly bad observation skills.

Maybe that was one of the reasons she was able to get away with the occasional nights of blood slowly dripping down from her thighs to swirl down the shower drain. It had become her release, her escape.

An injury from patrol or her own general clumsiness used as an excuse for the bandaids that became more and more likely to disappear from their shared bathroom cabinet.

Through it all, May was none the wiser to the war her niece was waging on and within herself.

Tony Stark, however, he was a different case. He noticed things that most took for granted. He used his cocky and flashy media persona to distract from his eyes soaking in every detail he could from any situation he found himself in.

He was the one person that Peyton's own masks and acts didn't fool. He didn't always easily accept the excuses for the stray cuts that would appear on her arms or the dark, puffy circles under her eyes.

Tony wasn't like May in that way.

And so it sadly came as no surprise when he noticed after one too many weeks of Peyton being entirely too reckless with her pocket knife, when the cuts on her thighs became deeper than they had before and her healing took longer to stop the bleeding.

The constant craving for the pain had snuck up on Peyton until the escape she found was one she could no longer escape from.

Peyton had foolishly hoped that she could get away with it for a while longer even though she knew she had to be stopped, no matter how much she didn't want to.

Her hopes were for nothing and it was all thanks to a single pair of grey sweatpants.

---

The second and fourth weekends of each month were reserved for Peyton and Tony to go upstate and spend the two day weekend (from the time Peyton left her last class on Friday to Monday morning when Tony would drop her off at Midtown) at the compound.

In the early days they had used to train in the larger, more well equipped gym as well as more complex suit enhancements.

Now, however, it was still used for those things at times but it had become far more of a mini getaway for the two of them. Occasionally they would be joined by Pepper or Rhodey but for the most part it was the two of them.

It was routine. Something familiar and comforting in the reliability of the twice a month escape.

As such, Peyton's self-harm habits had formed a routine around these weekends as well. It was one of the few times she restricted herself to not cutting at all apart from the friday morning before school.

Usually, those cuts would be scabbed over and partially healed by the time Tonh picked her up.

Today was not a usual day.

Thanks to the sudden cold brought by an early winter cold spell, a lot of Peyton's energy was spent by her metabolism trying to keep her body warm and stop her from going into hibernation.

Add that to the new depth and disregard of the far more frequently added cuts on her thighs and you get a healing factor that doesn't have the resources to work as it normally does.

Peyton hadn't thought of that when she had shakily re-opened the cuts in the hidden second floor bathroom after her last class. The only thing that had registered was the leftover surge of anxiety from Flash's recent bullying and the sudden single minded craving to split her skin open.

Realising the time when Tony sent her a message telling her that he was in the parking lot, Peyton folded up toilet paper and roughly bundled it between her thighs and pants to stop any of the blood from seeping through on her jeans.

She could deal with it later when she changed at the compound.

---

Unsurprisingly, she didn't deal with it, instead she flushed the wads of toilet paper down the toilet before changing into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie so she could be comfortable in the lab.

Her first mistake.

Her second mistake came from forgetting that the sluggishly bleeding cuts would eventually start to coagulate and scab. And that they did. Against her sweatpants.

Her last mistake?

Well, that was jumping up after sitting in the same position for two hours. Two hours that had her cuts start healing before they were re-opened thanks to her sudden movement.

Peyton couldn't stop the wince at the pain of the scabs peeling back as her pants shifted on her legs.

She was unaware that her mentor (read: unofficial father) had been glancing at her at times as he tried to piece together the puzzle of her increasingly strange behaviour that had formed over the last months.

As such, Peyton didn't see the way his face paled when he noticed the blood on her pants. Fear and sadness filling his heart as all the pieces were put together. It had all been right there in front of him, sign after sign, and he'd missed every one.

"Peyton." The man said, getting up from his workbench and moving towards her.

"Hmm?" Peyton hummed, ignoring the fabric tugging on her thighs as she turned to face him.

The look Tony fixed on her made Peyton pause, her eyes following his when they subconsciously flickered to the red stain on her pants. In seconds she felt the blood drain from her face and her fingers get the tell tale tingling of her anxiety flaring.

Before Tony could speak, she was rising with a well practiced excuse on her lips. "I'm so sorry. I have my period and… lemme just go change and clean up and I'll be back in a bit."

She made it to the elevator before a hand on her shoulder stopped her in her tracks.

"Don't do this, Peyton."

"Do what?" Her feigned confusion was almost believable but Tony saw the way her hands quivered slightly at her side as she shrugged his hand off and stepped into the elevator.

Tony followed.

"Don't lie to me. Make excuses."

The doors closed and it was silent as they moved up to the living room.

After a few moments, Peyton shook her head. "I'm not–"

Tony guided her to face him. "Your period was two weeks ago, the last time we came up here. I know because you were annoyed at your nausea and cramps keeping you from trying out the new aerial bars in the gym."

The doors opened and Peyton walked out, moving towards her room and trying in vain to think of an excuse, a protest, anything to get herself out of the inevitable.

Before she could get out of the living room, Tony caught her sleeve, stopping her in place.

"You're not okay, I see that. If this is–" Tony cut himself off, drawing in a short breath. "You are hurting, Bambina, no matter the form. I want to help you but I need you to talk to me. Please."

It was almost as if the wind was taken out of Peyton's sails. Her head droped and she let out a tired breath.

"You're right," Peyton finally admitted, words spoken so softly that Tony had to strain to hear her.

The admission hurt Tony to hear. He'd known, but he had still wished in vain to be wrong.

"I– uh. It's not– I don't…" She didn't know what to say, didn't know how to explain or to say anything at all.

None of the words were the right ones for what she needed to say and to finally get out after so many years of keeping them locked away.

And then it all came rushing in. The realisation that someone knew. The terror of the reality of Tony, the man who was practically her father, finding out what she had done, what she did, to herself.

"Roo." A hand cupped Peyton's cheek grounding, her from the flood of emotion and thought. She looked up, blinking through the tears building in her eyes and met Tony's own teary ones.

She let out a whimper, "I'm not okay."

And she broke.

She sobbed, and she hiccuped, the force of her cries sending tremors through her body but Tony only cradled her in his arms. He held her together so she could let herself fall apart, and fall she did.

Through her tears she explained everything. All of her doubts, her fears, her anxieties, sadness, and the expectations she felt she could never live up to.

She told him about the nights cried herself to sleep and the nights where she was too numb and tired to rest. She told him of the words said to her that she couldn't help but take deeply and personally, no matter the true meaning behind them.

And she told him about the anxiety attacks, about the dissociation, and (most heavily) about the self harm. How it was sometimes the only escape she felt she had, even above her patrols or her missions as Spider-Woman.

Through it all, Tony listened. He didn't try to interrupt, he didn't tell her she was wrong or making anything up, he only listened.

For the first time, Peyton felt as if she was truly heard.

Her tears eventually stopped, only the occasional sniffle left behind. Her dad's arms never left their place wrapped around her. They only moved when Tony shuffled them across to the couch where Peyton immediately curled into his arms again.

"I'm sorry I'm so messed up. I know I'm not okay but I'm sorry that I just dumped it on you like tha–"

"Peyt, Bambina, it's okay. It's okay." Tony's eyes were earnest, nothing but love and truth in them as he looked down at her. "This is going to sound cheesy, I know, but it is okay not to be okay."

He sat up slightly, shifting until Peyton was facing him on the couch. "I'm not going to lie, this is going to be one hell of a time to get through and past, but we will get you help and I will be by your side to support you through all of it."

Peyton chewed on her lip, fingers subconsciously digging into the tops of her thighs before Tony curled her palms into his own.

"Talk to me, Pey, what's going on in your head?"

"I'm scared." Peyton hesitated before admitting it. She was silent again, almost warring with herself to get her next words out. "I dunno how to be different or who I am without the hurt or the hiding. And I don't know how to stop wanting to hurt myself or be clumsy so I get hurt on purpose. I know it's a bad and dangerous thing but I also don't want to stop. I don't know how to escape all of this."

She looked at her dad, scared that she would find disgust at what she had now said in words despite it already being discovered earlier with her stating it. "I'm scared that you'll hate me or be angry or disgusted that I'm like this."

At her words, Tony's eyes hardened, a fierceness in them that wasn't as strong moments ago.

"Peyton Parker, if there is one thing I Will never ever hate you, be disgusted, or angry, alright? Never. Not for one fuckibg second. Do you hear me?"

Peyton, do you hear me?" Tony repeated when she only nodded.

"Yes. I hear you."

Tony nodded. "Good because it's never changing. We're gonna get you the help you need, baby. I promise you."

Not knowing how to thank him, Peyton settled for hugging him again, smiling for the first time that evening when she felt a kiss against her hair.

"I love you, Dad." She said without thinking, freezing slightly when she felt Tony tense before he relaxed.

Tony murmured back to her, before she could apologise. "I love you too, Tesoro."

It was quiet, then. Heavy from all that had been said, but not uncomfortable or awkward.

Things weren't okay. But okay could wait, because in these seconds and moments, after all that had changed and happened that evening, there was peace.

---

Eventually Peyton would speak once more, her voice small and almost childlike in her need for guidance and assurance.

"We'll get through this?" She asked softly.

And Tony would answer, firm and sure.

"We will."

#irondad #spiderdaughter #tony stark #peter parker #female peter parker #mental health #irondad fanfiction #irondad fanfic #ironman #iron man #spider man #spiderman #spider woman #marvel #mcu

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amelialincoln · 4 years ago

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Prompt: Amelia calls home (either mom or sisters) on the Bluetooth in the car home except she has one of Mer’s kids with her who completely exposes Amelia

yes but its scout instead

Past in Present

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell anyone.” Amelia sighed, playing with her seatbelt uncomfortably. “It’s just that last time we told everyone immediately...and we lost it...and everyone was walking on eggshells around me for weeks. If that happens again I want to be able to grieve alone with you in private, not with the whole freaking hospital’s eyes on us.” She played with the tiny ultrasound scan in her lap absentmindedly. Link nodded, staring straight into the traffic in front of him. They barely brought it up and she could tell that the topic upset him by how hard he was clutching the steering wheel. “Hey.” She placed her hand on his rigid shoulder. “I’m not trying to be negative.”

“I know,” he whispered, glancing at her and giving her a small smile before pulling her thigh towards the driver’s seat and resting his hand atop of it. “You just know how bad I am at secrets.”

“Yeah, I mean you told Jo like an hour after I told you the first time,” she joked.

“Well, I was in a state of shock,” he chuckled.

“Auntie Jo?” Scout squealed from the backseat, apparently suddenly awake and full of energy. Amelia grinned, turning to face the giggling toddler in the back. She was sure that he’d gotten every last bit of her ADHD.

“Yes, bug, we’re talking about auntie Jo.” She reached to tickle the small boy’s feet and he erupted into happy screams in response.

“Inside voice, Scout,” his father winced.

“Sorry, Dadda,” Scout whispered almost comically, causing Amelia to stifle a laugh.

“Hey, your sister is calling.” Link motioned to the car’s audio display. Before Amelia could ask which one he added, “Liz,” and answered before she could tell him otherwise. “Hey, Liz, It’s Link. You're on speakerphone in the car.”

“Hi, Link,” Liz gushed, causing Amelia to roll her eyes. “Can you hear me, Amy?”

“Yep,” she replied, forcing enthusiasm. “What’s up?”

“Oh, nothing really. Just wanted to see how you were holding up out there. Also, you know me being the planner I am, I was wondering if you guys were planning on coming for Christmas? Just trying to get everything sorted.”

“That’s like six months away,” Amelia replied, giving Link an exasperated look.

“I know,” Liz laughed. “It’s just we’re deciding whether to stay in the city or book a getaway in Colorado for the whole family and it all depends if you guys are coming or not.”

“Well, I mean--”

“Sorry, Liz, we’re just going under the tunnel so you might cut out for a sec.” Link pressed the mute button on Amelia’s phone.

“Link, what’s up? I can tell her that we aren’t coming just--”

“No, I think going would be fun, it's just you shouldn’t be flying that late in your pregnancy,” he reminded her, rubbing reassuring circles on her thigh as he watched her confusion pass.

“Mommy’s preeganant!” Scout sang from behind them. Amelia would do anything to go back to the night that they told him to witness the look on his face for a second time. To say he was excited was an understatement.

“You’re right, big guy.” She laughed as Link gave the babbling toddler an awkward backwards high five. “It’s fine, babe. We’ll just say no and they’ll understand when we tell them the news another day.”

“Okay,” He sighed. “But if she gets mad, you’re taking the blame. She scares me.” Amelia rolled her eyes, unmuting the phone.

“Hey, Liz. Can you hear us now? Sorry, there was some traffic as we were going under.”

“Yep, all good,” Liz’s voice rang from the other end. “Back to Christmas then.”

“Yeah, it might be a little too much this year. I think Maggie and Winston are flying in from Chicago and Scout hasn’t seen them in awhile.”

“Oh, wow. You’ve really got it all planned out in advance then,” Liz teased, her tone was evident that she knew Amelia was making excuses, as always.

“My Mommy is having a baby!” Scout took the silence as the perfect time for his big announcement.

“Scout,” Amelia hissed, as the couple turned around to stare at their son in horror. Link burst out laughing and Amelia swatted him angrily.

“Um, congratulations?” Liz’s voice came from the other end. “Nice to hear from you, Scout. Wanna clear anything up, Amelia?”

“Uh, eight weeks along but obviously there’s a chance I could miscarry so I don’t want to give a concrete no for Christmas yet.” She bit her fingernail nervously.

“That’s amazing! You actually have a good excuse this year then,” Liz laughed. “We were all worried you had decided to stop after Scout, with him being five. We just remember you going on as a kid about wanting four kids over and over.” Link grinned at that, squeezing his wife’s thigh excitedly. “Obviously Scout is perfect on his own but we just hoped we were going to get another niece or nephew,” Liz exclaimed happily. Amelia groaned, imagining how many family dinners that her and Link’s lack of babies had been the topic of conversation. “Have you gotten a scan? You know we’d all love to see pictures.”

“Yeah, I’ll send some over,” Amelia sighed, her enthusiasm wearing out. “Well, it was really nice to talk to you, Liz. Just try to keep the baby news on the down low until we’re sure that everything will work itself out.”

“Oh, Amelia, stop fretting. It’s unlike you. I already texted Mom and she’s over the moon.”

“Grandma!” Scout babbled happily, confused by the glare he was receiving from his mother.

“Yes, exactly, Scout. Amy, we all really need to see more of your little angel.” Amelia could her slightly condescending tone through the phone.

“Alright, Liz. We’ve got to go.” Her finger hovered over the end call button as Liz said her goodbye before ending the call and bursting into tears.

“Mia, what?” Link pulled into their driveway and parked quickly before enveloping her in a hug.

“I’m hormonal and tired, it’s fine,” she mumbled, pushing him away limply.

“Momma, why are you sad?” Scout asked quietly. “Did I say something bad?”

“No, baby,” Amelia sighed, removing Scout from his carseat and picking him up into his arms to console him.

“Give him to me,” Link ordered. “We’ve talked about carrying heavy stuff. He’s too big now.” Amelia sighed, passing the wiggling boy into his fathers arms, not in the mood to argue.

[][][]

“Hey, I finally got him into bed, are you feeling better?” Link winced as Amelia threw up in response. “Pizza didn’t sit right?”

“Please don’t talk about pizza,” Amelia begged, laying down on the cool bathroom tile. “Just leave me to die.” Link chuckled, sitting down beside her and running his hand through her sweaty hair.

“Baby number two is causing a lot more grief than Scout, huh?”

“Link, this is baby number four,” Amelia sniffled, moving slightly to lay her head on his lap and letting a wave of dizziness pass over her. “Just because Christopher and Jake didn’t make it doesn’t mean...”

“I know, Mia. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry,” he sighed, trying to read her distant expression. “You want to get in the shower?”

“Maybe, I think that was the last of it,” she grimaced, allowing him to tug off her crewneck and sweats.

“I was talking to Jo and she said she started showing earlier with her second baby,” Link beamed as he stepped into the steamy shower behind her. The topic of Jo being able to get pregnant twice so easily in the time frame that him and Amelia had been trying for one usually set her off but instead his wife smiled softly.

“Yeah, I read that somewhere too. Maybe sometime this month then.”

“Are you upset about the conversation with Liz?” He asked, pouring shampoo on the crown of her head before doing the same to his.

“I just don’t like the idea of them gossiping about our lack of children. Scout is perfect on his own, he doesn’t need a sibling,” she replied, rubbing the shampoo angrily into her scalp.

“Okay, can you have a little bit of faith here though?” Link sighed, tugging her around to face him. “I’m not asking you to get your hopes up or throw a party, I just want a little reassurance that you’re actually happy about this.” Amelia softened.

“Of course I’m happy,” she brushed soapy water off of his forehead, absentmindedly. “We’ve wanted this for years.”

“Okay...do we still want it? Cause I’m confused here, Amelia.” He glanced down at her hands resting on her midsection.

“Link, I want this baby so bad it’s literally tearing me apart and I don’t know if I can handle going through what we went through again. I honestly...” she trailed off not knowing how to find the right words.

“I’m here, Mia. I’m always going to be here,” he assured her, wrapping his arms around her waist and planting a kiss on her wet forehead. “No matter what, we’re going to have each other.”

“I know,” she smiled softly, letting out a long exhale. “It’s just been hard, these past couple of years, watching everyone around us give birth to beautiful, healthy babies. Maggie, Jo, Maya...and everyone keeps asking us if we’re planning on having more and I have to keep saying not right now as if we haven’t been trying for years.”

“Carina said the heartbeat was strong,” Link reminded her with a sense of pride that was usually only associated with Scout.

“I know,” she replied, tiredly. “That’s good.” Link nodded, leaning back under the stream of water to rid his hair of suds.

“Alright, let’s get you out of here. It’s boiling and you look like you’re about to pass out,” he teased.

“I honestly might,” she yawned in response, allowing him to wrap her up in one of their fluffy, white towels and carry her to bed.

#amelink #amelink fanfic #amelia shepherd #atticus lincoln #atticus link

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sadselfhelp · 4 years ago

Text

Who I Am, And Why I Created This Blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Drug Overdose, Suicide, Psychotic Breaks.

Take a walk with me, let me show you around the mind of The Sad Hatter.

There's a lot going on in my head right now, and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I'm standing on a cliff's edge and I'm either going to plummet or I'm going to fly. It's been building inside me for a long time, and I can't contain it anymore. So here it is, here's me laid bare, because I need to say this, I need to put it into words. I need to purge it all. To try and make sense of all of this shit in my brain, I think it's time I organize it. I don't know where to begin, but I guess I start at the beginning and make use of the ability to edit.

Before you read this, please be aware of the trigger warnings. And please understand that this is the most honest and open I have been, I really am stripped bare in this piece of writing. It’s not at all pretty, and am I not guiltless in parts. This may well alter whatever opinion you have of me.

I guess the beginning is birth, right? But I don't want to rehash all that trauma, so let me speed through it. Twenty-Eight years ago I was born, violently. I'm serious, I ripped my way out of the womb, and tore that thing apart. I guess I can sort of understand why my mother couldn't love me after that was my first act, collapsing her womb. So let me speedrun this part of the story. Mum didn't want me, gave me to my dad who raised me as a single parent with the help of his parents, until he met my stepmother. Shockingly, she didn't want me either, but because she couldn't get rid of me she decided to physical and psychological torture was the next best thing.

When I was eleven years old I snapped and didn't want to put up with it anymore, so I wrote a goodbye note and then snuck into the medicine cabinet and took a bunch of pills. Spoiler alert, I didn't die. I did however end up in a children's home, cue more abuse, little bit of bullying and sexual assault etc.... I snapped again, but instead of turning my anger inwards, I became an absolute bastard. Ok, I still turned it inwards a bit, I had a lot of anger, and now I have a few hundred scars to prove it. But, it turns out that violence can beget violence, and I acted out in every possible way. Racked up a horrifying rap sheet, assault, vandalism, arson, and finally... GBH. I was supposed to get put in a secure unit (child prison – Scottish Edition) but I was always able to talk myself out of trouble.

See, I was this tiny little white girl with big sad eyes and a hell of a sob story, even at the bottom of the food chain I still had privilege. So instead of getting locked up, I just got sent to a different home. And here's the really messed up part, this home was better. The staff were nicer, and nobody hurt me. My behavior literally changed overnight. I went from being charged by the police on a weekly basis, to never getting so much as a pocket money sanction. I will never excuse my actions, nor condone them, but after years of guilt I finally realized that the bad things I did were in retaliation to a bad situation, and though I wasn’t acting like a good person, I’m not a bad person, just a messed up one.

I still refused to go to school though, because though I didn't yet know it at the time, I had severe social anxiety. I was smart, a little too smart to be honest, and I found myself thriving with a private tutor. When the time came to sit my exams, someone fucked up, and despite having record breaking test scores on the pre-exams, I never actually got to sit my standard grades (think SAT's – Scottish Edition). I'm still bitter about that. So by this point in the story, I'm 16, and legally an adult, too old for a children's home. I got turfed to a hostel, and the next few parts of the story are pretty fuzzy to me.

This is where my mental health really started to deteriorate. I bounced between homeless hostels and B&B's for a year or so, until I got a my first flat/apartment. By that point, I was utterly fucked in the head. I was blacking out frequently, for anywhere between a couple of minutes to three days. I would come back to myself in sometimes compromising positions, and once there was blood. A lot of blood, splashed all over the walls. Then there was the time I suddenly found myself standing in the kitchen, about to plunge a knife into my own chest.

Nobody ever did tell me what the hell that was about. Or maybe they did and I just... forgot? But because I was extremely suicidal, a doctor finally decided to do something, and the police and the paramedics came to my door to take me to the psychiatric hospital. I spent ten months there while I cycled through various anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and was 'rehabilitated into society'. The second I was out, I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. If I can give you one piece of advice, one lesson to take from my shitshow of a life, it's this: Don't move hundreds of miles away to be with the guy you met online while you were having a psychotic break.

I've never really thought of myself as a victim, but I guess I'm the only one who saw it that way. Ben, that was his name, Ben was a monster, and I didn't know it until it was too late. He never hit me, never lifted a hand to me, he never had to. He could put a knife in my hand and make me hurt myself for his entertainment. I had told him everything, so he knew exactly how to break me down, how to make me want to bleed. He locked me in a house and used me up. And when I had enough, and tried to break free of him, he would just tell the police I was mentally ill and they would smile sympathetically and give me back to him.

But then my dad had a breakdown. My dad, who when he found out what my stepmother was doing to me, buried his head in the sand and packed my little suitcase for me. I hadn't spoken to him in a while until he reached out from the same psychiatric ward I had not long vacated. He had cracked under the realization that I had never lied about her, and the guilt broke him apart. I could have hated him, if it had happened a few years earlier then I would have. But I had experienced enough of the world to learn a few things, like how easily it is to fuck up, and that no matter how strong you are, you aren't immune to monsters. The truth was he was as much a victim of her evil as I was. She had manipulated him, played with his head, used his insecurities against him. So I helped him through his issues, the way I wished someone had helped me. That doesn't really make me a good person, it just makes me human.

But my dad got better, and found his footing. And when he did, he realized something wasn't right with me, and I told him the truth about Ben. My dad had left me to suffer at the hands of an abuser once before, and he wasn't going to allow it to happen again. He came and got me, and he took me home. He moved me in with him, gave me his bed and slept on the couch. After a couple of months, he helped me get my own place.

And that's the happy ending, right? All the trauma was over, I was safe, that's where the story should end. Right? I bet you're not naive enough to believe that, but I sure as hell was. I thought I would recover and that everything would be ok. I thought that with safety, there would come the chance to heal. I thought my wounds would scab over, and I would have my scars but at least I would be able to move without bleeding out. But that's not how trauma works. I had two decades worth of trauma, abuse, and hell.

I just... faded. I didn't crack, I didn't crumble, I didn't break, I just stopped. For five years I sat in one room of my home, drowning inside myself. Last year I got handed a lifeline, and now I live somewhere better. I'm not really allowed to live independently so I actually live in kind of retirement village of all places. I have my own house, but it's got intercoms and emergency cords everywhere, I get checked on daily by on on-site worker. And I'm trying to get better, I really am. It's just not that easy.

There's more to the whole story that I maybe should have put in, like the fact that my mother was a drug addict when she was pregnant with me, and that may have been the reason some of my organs didn't properly form and/or formed wrong. My lung split in half when I was a baby, and parts of my stomach are missing. Or that my mother is full on batshit insane. I could have had a perfect childhood and I still would have been mentally ill. Hell, I was seeing psychologists at five years old. Take my sketchy genetics, add twenty years of severe traumas, and well... I'm a little fucked up. Because a lot of medical conditions use acronyms, my full list of diagnosis looks like I'm collecting the fucking alphabet.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Agoraphobia. I also have a Pulmonary Sequestration, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, the stomach and lung issues. Immune Hemolytic Anemia, I'm basically allergic to my own blood. Plus, ya know, my liver recently decided to just fucking nope out, the pissy lil bitch is failing. I also may or may not have cancer, I don't know because I pussied out of the tests. At this point I am a walking, decaying corpse that is held together by glitter glue and bitterness.

So... why exactly am I writing this? And why am I even considering posting this? I mean, my problems aren't as bad as some other people's. We've all got shit to deal with, especially in 2020. The whole world is falling apart, so what right do I have to sit here pouting and pouring my problems out? Well, for a start, I guess this is my blog, I can post whatever, and it's up to everyone else if they read it.

So here it is, you have the backstory, so here's what it's all been leading up to.

I'm struggling. Like, really struggling. I'm stuck on this cliff, and I want off, any way I can. Whether I fall or fly, I just want free. I can't live like this anymore, because I can't breathe.

The fucking agonizing duality of being socially anxious and too easily overstimulated, and yet feeling fucking empty inside if you're not surrounded by action and noise. The world is too noisy for my brain, but my brain is too noisy for the world. I get antsy if I'm not doing at least a thousand different tasks, but I get overwhelmed if I try to do anything at all. It leads to short bursts of mania, followed by weeks of depression. But underneath all of that, under all the dramatic showboating, and the dark humor, under all the bravado... I'm really just sad.

Years ago, when I first came up with the moniker "The Sad Hatter", I said it was because I may be mad, but my madness was born of sadness. I'm just sad. I carry it with me where my heart should be. So I named myself Sad, and I put on the hat, and I wore my sadness like armor, turned it into an act, and made a spectacle of it. "I'm The Sad Hatter, and I'm mentally ill but that's alright, I'm going to be just fine!" I told you all I had my issues, and I'll come close to opening up about how bad those issues are, I'll give little chunks of information at intermittent intervals, and then two hours later I'll act like it never happened. I'll admit I was close to killing myself, and then two days later I'll post dog photo's and act like I'm all better.

I'm writing this because I'm sad. And tomorrow, I'll act like I'm not. But when I waver again, I'll come back here and I'll open up again. And along the way, maybe you're reading this and realizing you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you're realizing you're not the only one who isn't healing neatly and in a timely manner. Maybe you're reading this and gaining some insight into the struggles someone you care about is facing. Maybe my opening up is can help somebody else, I really hope so, but I know it's helping one person. It's helping me.

This blog, it's about living with myself. It's about living with The Sad Hatter.

#trigger warnings #mental health #anxiety #borderline personality disorder #adhd #domestic abuse #child abuse #self harm #violence #just all the trigger warnings

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ablednt · 4 years ago

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Hey Audit, how can you tell if something is an obession/compulsion? Can you experience that without full-blown OCD? (Tw since I'm going to go into vague detail) I get intrusive thoughts about causing harm to others and I spend a lot of time after getting those thoughts trying to "cancel them out" by thinking something in the "opposite direction" is that makes sense. It can impair my day-to-day activities. Do you have any resources that I could go to so I can better understand my dilemma? /gen

(This is coming from someone who hasn't known about their OCD very long and has yet to really interact with the community a lot so take this with a bucket of salt)

Honestly it's pretty hard to tell? Intrusive thoughts aren't unique to OCD but do they feel like...obsessive? From what I can tell non-OCDers are encouraged to ignore their intrusive thoughts rather than trying to cancel them out so if you can do that somehow (distractions, mindfulness/grounding exercises, etc.) then it's probably not an OCD thing(?) (But that's just a guess don't take my word for it)

How I tell if something is an obsession is if I fixate on it. I actually mistook this for my ADHD for years bc I was thinking "Yeah I have these really horrible hyperfixations I haven't told anyone about and they make me actively miserable and I'd give anything to stop them but I can't" but that was an obsession.

Some of these can last for years (We have one that is a direct result of repressed trauma that has worsened and worsened over the past 13 years or so but I'm not comfortable giving details)

And some can be more momentary. Like the brain recognizes that 1. Racism is very bad actually 2. I am capable of and often times oblivious to it. So this means my brain will spew whatever bullshit I know to be bad already literally any time it can. (This is different from times I'm actually perpetuating it and absolutely not an excuse for that, as this is stuff I know to be bad already. The brain just fixates on anything it can to make me feel like a bad person)

With OCD intrusive thoughts range in intensity but very often are completely unavoidable. If I ignore my intrusive thoughts they just repeat over and over in a loop because my brain is obsessing over it. I've had times where my brain obsessed over the repressed trauma thing and I was like no I don't want to compulse over this it's painful so I turned on a video game to distract myself but my brain just threw these thoughts at me over the game repeatedly until I gave up and compulsed.

Compulsions are things that you do to ease the obsessions (and said obsessions spawn from fears. I'm afraid of hurting innocent people so my brain obsesses on ways I could be bigoted or harmful, my compulsion in this case is two fold with repeatedly correcting each intrusive thought to defend myself like "no that's not right because-" and then to over explain everything I ever say around people I don't know well because if I'm not perfectly clear I'm a bigot actually/s)

Some compulsions are physical

Searching a room every time you enter to make sure it's safe

Checking to make sure doors are locked every time you go near front/back doors.

Looking behind a shower curtain when you go to the bathroom multiple times to make sure no one is in there

Etc.

And some compulsions are emotional or mental

Repeating things (not necessarily in the same words just. Really looping back around and thinking all the same things) mentally in response to intrusive thoughts

Apologizing too much to people

Daydreaming or visualization (MADD and OCD can intersect)

One very specific one is oftentimes if I feel afraid I'll tell someone my fears because the universe likes to prove me wrong so ocd is like haha yes it'll be ok now

Basically a compulsion either pacifies a fear through unrelated means ("im scared I'm a bad person but if I keep washing my hands I'll feel clean") or seeks to embrace it ("if I relive this traumatic memory every day I'll realize I deserved it and then it won't be trauma anymore" as you can see these ones are particularly heinous)

So that's OCD as I understand it. Unfortunately I don't have any resources because I happened to self dx after talking to a close friend with OCD and we've just sort of talked about it. If anyone else knows good OCD coping methods and resources though I'd be thrilled to boost them and also see if I can apply them.

#actuallyocd #i actually cant cope with mine at all #so I'm not much help sorry ajhshdhd

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demigodlunar · 4 years ago

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Scars - Chapter 4

-- Trigger Warning: Mentions of self-harm and bad parenting. Read at your own risk.

Chapter 4 - End It Cleanly Mclean

Piper flopped onto her immaculately made bed after her morning run with her mother, rumpling up the covers a little bit and enjoying the brief moments of silence before-

“Models do not flop onto their beds, daughter, they sit on the edge daintily.” A saccharine sweet voice lilted from outside Piper’s bedroom.

Piper stifled her groan and got up quietly, remaking her bed and smoothing her hands over the glossy silk sheets. She made sure not to miss a spot, because her mother, the amazing model Aphrodite Mclean, was no doubt watching her every move from the doorway.

“I’m sorry, mother, “ Piper said quietly, looking down at her feet that her mother commented were “too big” to be from a woman, “I won’t do it again.”

She looked up and locked eyes with her mother, the most beautiful, and cruelest, person Piper had ever met. That one thought of rebelliousness died away, and Piper forcefully looked back down respectfully at her feet.

Aphrodite had silky black hair that made its way down her back in ringlets, with only the most expensive products used on her luscious locks. With chocolate brown eyes like those of a feline. She was thin as a toothpick, with a curvy, full body which attracted a lot of men, and sometimes even women. Aphrodite’s skin was fair and spotless, her nails and clothes always complimenting each other and the rest of her. Piper really wished she hadn’t inherited her mother's insane beauty.

Her mother did another once over of Piper’s bedroom, trying to find something to critique. Not finding any flaws, she pursed her lips, flipped her hair over her shoulder and promptly left the room, shutting the door behind her.

Piper let out a breath she didn’t know she was even holding, and it made her plop back down onto her bed and bury her head in her hands.

Why couldn’t I have just gone with Dad?

~~~~~~~~~~

Tristan Mclean met Aphrodite Ouranos at a theatre gathering. He was immediately struck by her beauty and charm, and she seemed to like him just as much. They started going out after a week, and dated for a couple months before getting married.

After they had Piper, Tristan and Aphrodite made it big, Tristan with a high-paying acting career which required him to move around a lot, and Aphrodite with a modeling job. Both of the jobs needed a lot of traveling, but someone needed to stay and take care of Piper, the beautiful baby who inherited her mother’s beauty and her father’s smile and hair.

So while Tristan went on world tours and visited iconic cities and landmarks, Aphrodite would stay at home and take care of Piper. Needless to say, she hated the job, and wanted to dump her daughter in an orphanage to be taken care of by someone else, but then an idea struck her.

If she could raise Piper to be exactly like her, independent and flawless, it would help Aphrodite’s modeling and parenting. She was wrong of course, but she obviously didn’t think that. The result of her carelessness was a five year old running around a large empty estate, eating whatever she wanted and doing whatever she pleased.

There were many, many times when Piper had been left alone for long periods of time, and she did learn to be independent, but vowed to never become like her mother. Once Piper hit her middle school years, Aphrodite realized just how beautiful her daughter was, even more so, than Aphrodite herself. That was a problem.

So she shipped Piper off to a ladies academy for middle schoolers, and when Piper came back the summer before her first year at high school, she was… exactly the same. No manners had been changed, no clothing choice had been improved, nothing.

That’s when Aphrodite took the manner into her own manicured fingers. She critiqued Piper on anything and everything she did, even if it was the slightest misstep or a small snort that escaped her mouth. At the start, Piper rebelled against her, but Aphrodite oppressed her so much that Piper gave in and listened to her mother's every whim, and stayed quiet through every admonishment.

That was what made Piper start cutting.

It was small at first, just a little glance at a knife or razor and wondering how it would feel against her skin. Then, light traces with the sharp blades on her wrist, seeing how light she could go to draw blood. What pushed past her tipping point was when Piper was idly drawing the knife across her arm, not enough to see blood, but enough to feel a small sting, and her mother walked into the bathroom to see what was taking her so long.

She took one cold look at the blade, and the marks on Piper’s arm and left the bathroom. Piper stared after her, but when she came back, it wasn’t with a hug, or words of help to drag Piper out of the world of a depression.

It was a razor. A pink razor with a bejeweled hilt.

Aphrodite held it out to Piper and said only two words: “Use that.”

Since that day, Piper seemed to enjoy when her mother would leave her alone to do her modeling, because Piper had the day to cut herself happy.

~~~~~~~~~~

Now don’t get her wrong. Piper wasn’t suicidal for two reasons. The first was her father and her friends. She tried to resent her father for leaving her alone with her monster of a mother, but he was too kind for her to hate him, and the couple days a year he came and stayed with them were the best. And her friends, well, they were the only people who kept her sane while she was here. Annabeth, Reyna, Thalia, Leo. They were the best friends anybody could ask for, and they supported her whenever she felt sad. They didn’t know about the cutting.

The second was that she was too cowardly to try to take her life. Afraid of hurting her friends. Afraid that it would all be for nothing.

So she didn’t do anything farther than cutting.

Piper realized that thinking about the past and sitting doing nothing but dawdling was really unproductive. She took out her phone and went to check if there were any new messages, and she saw a text from Thalia. So she replied.

(AN: Thalia, Piper)

Today - 11:34 AM

hey Pipes

hey Thals

wassup

Oh nothing, just trying to get away from my tyrannical mother. Normal day.

nothing much, you?

i’m here with my brother at one of my dad’s interview things

Brother?

Piper couldn’t remember Thalia mentioning anything about siblings before. And she did the normal thing and asked Thalia about it.

you have a brother?

It was a long time before Thalia responded, but when she did, Piper snatched up the phone to see her response.

yeah

Piper felt betrayed, she thought they told each other everything. But then again, she had no room to talk.

excuse me, but how come you’ve never told me about him?

never came up

fine, you win, for now. show me a pic?

Thalia sent a picture of a blond-haired boy with the bluest eyes Piper had ever seen. The thing was, she knew this blond-haired boy.

It was Jason Grace, the only person that even came close to Annabeth’s record setting grades. Once he had beaten her by a percent on a English test, and Annabeth was fuming for days, while Piper and the rest of their friends snickered at her back. But Piper never connected the dots, like how he and Thalia had the same last name.

He was also in her math class during Freshman year, and he sat two seats to her right. Piper could remember clearly some moments of that class.

Like when the teacher would ask the class a question, and Jason’s hand would be the only one up so she called on him. He would bite his lower lip and read out the answer in a confident but quiet voice, like he didn’t want anyone to notice him. Then, once Jason got the question right, his posture would straighten, in a proud way. His eyes would light up like a cloudless day sky and his lips would stretch into a smile, making the scar on his upper lip appear more prominently. Jason would push the glasses up the bridge of his nose, and sit back in his chair, satisfied.

One second. Two.

What. Was. That. Piper shook her head and felt her cheeks become hot. She barely knew Jason, yet she had been paying so much more attention to him than she thought she was. Idly, she wondered if his glasses and the tattoo of glasses she had on her shoulder were related in any way.

Suddenly dizzy, she remembered that Thalia was waiting for an answer. With her thoughts off somewhere else, she mindlessly typed a response to Thalia’s question. The good news, it was the truth. The bad news, Thalia would never let her live this down.

After she felt her head clear, she brought her attention back to the conversation and her eyes widened.

oh, that cute boy you sit with at lunch sometimes? He’s really good looking.

“Crap!” Piper yelled, for once not even afraid that her mother will come in and lecture her about the dangers of swearing.

She could just imagine Thalia cackling her witchy laugh wherever she was. Piper started to type in a message to tell Thalia to please, please not tell her brother about that message when a new message popped up at the top.

Piper, honey, I am leaving for my photoshoot now. Please keep the house clean... and no guests. -Mother >:(

Perfect, her mother is gone, now she can go through with that brunch that she planned with her friends. Then she remembered Thalia. Stupid ADHD, hopping from one topic to the other.

It was too late though, because Thalia has already replied.

yes, he is, and he’s also here looking at our conversation.

Piper felt herself blush scarlet red, and she bet anyone could see it, even on her darker complexion. Now she was in for it, she would never be able to face Thalia or Jason ever again. And once Thalia told the rest of their friends…

Piper stood up and started getting ready for the brunch with her friends she planned. Both mentally and physically. Gods, Leo was going to have such a field day when he found out about this.

Well, the routine was only just starting. ____________________________________________________________

This chapter was fun to write haha

-Blossom ;)

#percy jackon and the olympians #soulmates #percabeth #caleo #solangelo #jiper #frazel #heroes of olympus #pjo fanfic #pjo angst #jason grace #thalia grace #piper mclean

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aziraphalesangel · 5 years ago

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“So, I took {youngest sister} to the paediatrician yesterday. she gained seven kilos. the doctor says she needs to slow down her eating”

“She’s fourteen.”

“I said it was probably the pork buns. I told her if she keeps eating them she’ll start looking like a pork bun.”

“She’s still growing.”

“Apparently she only grew a centimetre this time.”

“She’s only just started puberty. half that weight’s gone to her chest.”

“I know, she went up 4 cup sizes in six months”

“She’s fourteen.”

“She’s 63kg. That’s heavier than you right?”

“...”

“She’s getting a bit of a belly.”

“She’s fourteen.”

There seems to be this idea, that kids just crave being skinny just because. just because of social media, just because of airbrushed pictures in magazines, just because of media, just because of celebrities, just because, just because. And people really thought, the adults really thought, that teaching us about “Body Image” in high school was going to solve that. That telling us that those pictures were doctored, that social media influencers are fake. we know. for fuck’s sake give teenagers a bit of credit.

You know what was always dumb? When teachers got told to sandwich body image and mental health topics in between subjects like obesity in young people. That one second you have an adult telling you that you should love your body, that it will be changing because puberty is a thing that happens, that you will have a growth spurt, that sometimes you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see and that means you brain is lying to you (that was a stupid thing to say to kids), and then you tell us, that there is a growing problem of obesity in children. That gaining weight is bad.

I can’t speak for other people’s schools, or the areas that grew up in, but my school didn’t seem to have those allegedly CRIPPLINGLY obese kids. Of course there were fat kids; kids with a bit of chub around their waist, teenage girls with cellulite, boys with stretchmarks on their bellies, kids who wobbled when they ran. We were children. We were still growing. You can’t have a growth spurt without gaining weight. You cannot start puberty without the necessary fat stores. You just can’t. but instead of telling us that, they told us there was an obesity crisis, and we looked around the room at all the other normal looking kids and wondered who? And when we couldn’t figure it out, we asked: Me?

let me tell you a story:

When I was 12 I was a particularly weight. By the time I was 14, that weight had nearly doubled.

sounds bad right?

let me tell you a story:

When I was 12, I weighed roughly 30kg. That is roughly 10 kilos underweight. I had this trick I could do when I was about eight, where I could shove my entire hand under my ribs. People told me I was skinny, but it was never the insult those people who like to derail fat positivity posts like to think it is. Not one adult ever told me I was unhealthy. Not one adult ever told me my weight was a problem.

By the time I was 14, that weight had nearly doubled.

For the first time in my life I was a healthy weight, and all I could think about was that my stomach wasn’t flat anymore.

I was fourteen

Now lets look at how that mentality happens okay?

2013 I got instagram. I only followed my friends; a bunch of gangly and chubby 12 and 13 year olds. I didn’t care for magazines.

You know what else happened?

We started highschool; year 7. My friend’s parents were finalising their divorce. I didn’t know then, but one of the reasons her dad cheated was because he thought his wife had “let herself go”. Said wife was in her forties, and had given birth to two kids. I don’t know what he expected.

And my friend started parroting her mother. “I’m so bloated, I’m so fat. I can’t eat that, it has too many carbs.”

Never: I’ll get fat. Always: I am fat.

She was twelve. She hadn’t even started puberty yet.

You know what else happened?

2015, my family started going through some shit. My mum got diagnosed with a new chronic illness, which the doctor said she got because she was overweight. The advice the doctor gave her was to lose weight.

And suddenly, everything I ate was a personal attack on her. “Don’t eat that, it’s full of sugar. Don’t eat that, it has too much fat. Don’t buy that, I can’t eat it. If you eat that you’ll end up looking like it. If you eat that you’ll end up like me.”

And of course, my personal favourite: “Are you suuuuuure you should eat that?”

And a year later I was diagnosed with anxiety. Shocker.

My family used to be close to the family of a friend of mine. And my mum still mentions sometimes that the two youngest (a year older and younger than my youngest sister) were always hungry. Their parents used to starve them so that wouldn’t end up fat. I’m still friends with the girl my age, and she gets regularly and violently verbally abused for her weight, because she’s fat, and her siblings are skinny enough that you can see their ribs, and we all eat the same food, what’s your excuse? As if, just because you’re the same family, with the same food, that your genetics, your body, is all the same, all functions the same. As if it didn’t matter how good her achievements were in literally anything, she was fat, and her parents both made sure they would bully her until it just stopped. As if that’s how it works.

Watching my friends, go from these awkward funny kids, to very very anxious and depressed teenagers (and we all developed anxiety and depression to a degree, which is a post for another day), watching as some of them ended up hospitalised and forced to drop out of high school for eating disorders, watch as others tried to justify compulsive puking and laxative addictions with a smile on their face, because of their parents, it’s always because of the parents, or teachers, or whichever adult meant the most to us, because someone instilled that pathological fear of watching that number on the scaled tick up and up and up. Someone warned us that gaining weight meant we failed. And we believed them because we were children.

My little sister is seventeen. She lost seven kilos this year. Her ribs stick out, and when she lies on the floor on her stomach, she gets bruises on her hip bones. She’s still growing.

My little sister is fourteen. She gained seven kilos this year. She hasn’t, yet, internalised our mum’s fatphobia; she doesn’t care, yet, what she weighs. She doesn’t care, yet, what size clothes she wears. She had a big shit eating grin the day she was told her bras were too small. She’s fourteen. This year they did the body image module in PD/H, this year she went to a doctor for her ADHD, and instead they told her she needed to watch weight. This year will be the year adults start ramping up the policing of her eating habits. She’s fourteen.

Telling us there is an obesity crisis isn’t helping. Treating obesity as a social problem instead of a biological one isn’t helping. Doctors deciding their first advice, regardless of the condition, is to loose weight, isn’t helping. People on social media promoting laxative teas isn’t helping. Celebrity endorsement of weight-loss companies isn’t helping. Commercialising weight-loss isn’t helping. All this^ has done nothing to make society, broadly speaking, less fat. It has created a lot of eating disorders and mental illnesses though.

But blaming people’s obsession with being skinny on that, takes away from the very important fact that, the most harmful factor is our parents. And when you’re a teenager, or a young adult who can’t move out yet, you cannot escape that. Because there will always be someone nagging you about your weight, about what you’re eating, when you’re at home. And when you’re not?

Well I can’t speak for everyone, but when I’m eating out, what makes me choose the “healthy” option instead of the filling one, is that little voice in the back of my head muttering;

Are you suuuuuuuuure you should be eating that?

#fatphobia #fatphobia tw #body image #diet culture #my post

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mimssides · 4 years ago

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Life on Crow Avenue: Part 15

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___

The brothers looked at each other. Who would possibly visit them at this hour? Remus got up from the chair and walked towards the door and pressed the button on the intercom.

“Hello?” he said as Roman approached behind him to listen who had come for them.

“Salutations. It is Logan Fojtík. Excuse the disturbance,” the voice on the other end said with this unmistakably clear but dry tone.

Remus couldn’t help but smile while Roman frowned.

“No problem Tie Clip! What brings you here?” Remus asked happily.

There was a short rustling before there came the answer: “Well, Remus I wanted to make sure how you were doing and I do have something which might be of interest for you. Also-”

“I am here too. Good evening, Remus,” interrupted a second voice at which Roman yelped in panic.

Remus turned around and at once recognized the voice. With a wide grin and his eyes on Roman Remus said into the intercom: “Hey, hey Jazz Man! You here to check on my bro?”

When the confirming ‘yes’ came Roman spun around his own axis and disappeared in the bathroom, to probably freshen himself up. Remus only rolled his eyes and told them to come up. It was a good thing that Patton had already managed to get someone to fix their door in the morning, otherwise He would have had to let them in through the shop and that was just straight up inconvenient.

With not much else to do Remus opened the door and leaned against the door frame, watching how the two men climbed the stairs. Both looked up to him and Remus gave them a lazy smile and a wave. Janus immediately looked back down to focus on his steps while Logan waved back and promptly took two steps at once. Within moments Logan had come up and Remus let him enter while still holding onto the doorknob.

After a short while Janus had joined them on top of the staircase and Remus waved him inside with the words: “Sorry for not having an elevator or something. These stairs really must be the bane of you.”

Janus raised his eyebrows and huffed a little out of breath.

“Thanks for the worrying but at least you’ve got railing on which I can hold on. Other places are even worse. And I know why my and Virgil’s flat is ground floor,” Janus said and then looked around the room for a moment.

He could not find Roman and looked back up at Remus. The latter tilted his head to the side, his black unruly hair sticking out to all sides and making him look somewhat dispersing the vibes of a Shakespearean fool.

“Not to say that I dislike your presence, but I wanted to talk with Roman? Where exactly is he?”

Remus snorted and led the two into the living room as he said: “Aah, you know he’s a prideful guy, and didn’t want you to see him dishevelled.”

“Dishevelled?” Logan asked concerned.

With a grand gesture Remus pointed at his own face, little traces of barely dried tears and sniffling still very visible.

“Yeah. Dishevelled. Just like me Big Brain. Or whatever you wanna call what I am. But anyway, Ro’s here and he’ll come back any second now.”

And just as he said that Roman emerged from the bathroom and greeted both Logan and Janus with a welcoming smile. The false happy tone twisted the knot in Janus’s stomach and he had to force himself to not let his discomfort show.

“Hello you two! How nice of you to come for a visit!” Roman said.

Logan just pulled up his eyebrows while Janus readjusted his weight on his legs so he could overplay his worry.

“I assume you feel better and have had a talk with Remus?” Logan simply said unimpressed by Roman’s fake upbeat demeanour.

The smile dropped and Roman’s shoulders slumped. It looked almost a little like a child who had broken an expensive vase while playing. Logan sighed and then tried a milder approach: “I must have come off insensitive. I apologize. Let me rephrase my former question: How are you feeling? Was the afternoon off a good distraction?”

Roman gulped and looked over to Remus for a split second and then relaxed a little. He was pretty sure he could answer those questions. A little timid, quite unlike him, Roman looked down to his feet and took a little breath.

“It’s alright. I’m feeling okay. And we probably shouldn’t have opened in the first place today but the afternoon off helped.”

Logan was about to ask a little more specifically what Roman meant, when Roman looked up looking a lot more comfortable than before.

Quick Roman sidestepped his brother to get closer to Janus, without breaking eye contact with Logan and said to him: “Thank you a lot for just going with what I was asking today. I know it couldn’t have been easy without knowing what was actually going on.”

“It is quite alright, Roman. Remus was kind enough to elaborate the situation,” Logan answered.

“That’s what I feared. Anyway, you said you wanted to discuss something with him?”

Logan simply nodded and then witnessed a wordless conversation between the brothers consisting of a look, the ghost of a nod and a shrug. With a frown he wanted to ask what this had been about, when Roman cut him off before he even started.

“Cool, then I’ll leave you to it. Janus, would you like to come with me? I have something I’d like to show you,” Roman said taking Janus’s free hand and catching the latter completely off guard.

Almost flustered Janus answered: “I don’t mind coming with you? Where are we-”

“Downstairs. Let me guide you,” Roman said and walked with Janus’s hand still in his towards the door and the two were gone a moment later.

Perplexed Logan looked after them until he heard Remus exhale and looked up to him. The slim man crossed his arms in front of him and had a dopy grin on his face. With a slight motion of his chin towards the table he seemed to invite him to sit down with him. Wordlessly, Logan complied and walked up to Remus so they could sit down together. Just in front of the table Remus took a step in front of him and pulled out a chair for him to sit down.

“Do you want to drink something?” Remus asked while Logan sat down.

Logan asked for some water and just moments later Remus had come back with bottle of water and a glass for himself and Logan. He filled both glasses with water and sat down. Casually he took a sip and eyed Logan before setting his glass down and giving him a short smile.

“He noticed that you were uncomfortable. That’s why he almost fled downstairs with Jazz Daddy.”

Logan ought to be surprised that Remus had been able to read through his silence so well but was just stunned by the nickname Remus had just used for Janus.

“Jazz Daddy?” Logan repeated bedazzled and Remus laughed a little.

“I’m sure Janus would hate it, which is why I say it. But anyway,” Remus said and played with the glass in his hand, “what did you want to about with me?”

Logan blinked a little surprised but caught himself and fished a paper out of his as always present purse. It was neatly folded and he slid it over the table towards Remus who took and unfolded it immediately. Logan watched his eyes rush over the paper and saw how he began to frown.

“It’s a list of therapists which are highly recommended,” Logan explained when Remus said nothing.

Remus looked up and quirked an eyebrow up and asked suspiciously: “By which side?”

“By my therapist.”

Logan had thought about that moment since he had sent her the requested list of relatively close-by and good therapists in the late hours of yesterday. The moment when he would reveal this information, he had kept close to his heart to someone who was barely an acquaintance.

Strangely enough it made him not as nervous as he had feared. Not at all. Especially, since he saw the obvious recognition in Remus’s eyes. The florist did not take this information for granted. It would be safe with him.

So, Logan smiled and said further while pointing towards the paper: “Her number is on the bottom. She said it was fine if you would call her if you required further information.”

Remus nodded in a fazed way and after a few moments he asked: “Do some of them work with neurodivergent people too?”

“I did not ask for that specific information, so I sadly don’t know. But I am positive that some of them do, as my therapist often has neurodivergent people as patients. Why do you ask?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve got ADHD. I was never diagnosed but It think I fit the general profile; losing my threat while talking, jumping around in stories, forgetting things very quickly, leg bouncing and other stims and Roman has it too, just even worse. And I am pretty sure that a lot of my problems come from that too or are at least influenced by it… so. It would probably be best if I went to a therapist who could deal with that, right?”

“That is a very good thought,” Logan agreed and folded his hands on the table. “I can ask her if she could point such therapists out for me, if you want to.”

“No, it’s fine. I can google them myself. Let’s not make your therapist hate me before she even heard my voice.”

Logan shook his head but grinned as Remus looked over the list again. He seemed to be interested. He asked questions. Maybe, this truly was helping him.

“Do you want to know anything else?” Logan asked and Remus nodded.

“Actually, what - what do I have to look for in a therapist? And how do I apply for one?”

Logan’s smile grew a little wider and patiently he started to explain the general process and rules Remus should know about, while the latter listened closely to the others clear and soothing voice

___

Roman had Janus brought down into the store and led outside into the backyard. Well, that was what Janus first had thought when Roman had walked to the backside of the building but then this door in the back led into a greenhouse. A magnificent greenhouse.

Flower boxes with Roses, Amazon Lilies, African Violets, Chinese Hibiscus and Orchids were orderly lined up, vines grew around the wooden pillars in the corners and the soft warm light of fairy lights enlightened the glasshouse when Roman had pressed the light switch. Everything was bathed in a dim but comfortable light and Janus could only watch in awe as his eyes wandered through the little outdoor structure. In the nearest left corner stood a little black metal table with matching chairs and Roman had offered Janus his arm to lead him there. Janus took the offer and soon was sitting on one of the chairs in this almost magical greenhouse. He watched as Roman walked towards a box near the table, opened it and realized that it was a mini fridge, and took out two cans of beer.

Quietly, Roman set one beer in front of Janus and sat down on the edge of one of the flower boxes, opening the beer left in his hand.

“You don’t have to of course, but I think I need one. And they’re alcohol free,” Roman said and held his beer up as if to say cheers.

Janus opened his beer and lifted it just like Roman did with the dry comment: “Don’t fright over me. I can hold my liquor.”

“That’s good because I can’t,” Roman laughed and took a sip. “I get tipsy very easily and I forget stuff very quickly, so, if you would remind me to not take another one if I were to try and get one? I’m not very comfortable with myself when I’ve got too much alcohol in my system.”

Janus rose an eyebrow but nodded before taking the first sip out of his beer. It wasn’t his beverage of choice but he had had far worse.

“This garden is beautiful Roman,” Janus said after a few moments and he heard the pleasant sound from Roman chuckle a little.

“I know, right? That’s what sealed the deal, actually. Remus always wanted something like this and that’s why we came here.”

“I should be grateful for this greenhouse then.”

Roman nodded lightly and looked around for a few moments. Janus studied him. Studied the how exhausted he was and how much more relaxed he seemed nevertheless while sitting down here. While having some distance to the mess that his life was right now.

“So, what did he tell you?”

Janus blinked. Roman was grinning and looked down to his beer can. Janus frowned and caught the mildly worried look from Roman. Only then it clicked in his head and he understood what Roman had wanted from.

“What Remus has told us about the two of you?” Janus asked carefully.

Roman nodded.

Janus sighed and drove over the brim of his hat.

“Yesterday night he told us how you fled from your parents’ house. And about the accident.”

Roman was grinning back down to the floor and nodded a little.

“I’m not even surprised,” Roman said after a few moments still not looking up but the grin clearly transferring in his tone. “He really needed to get that out. Did he also tell the part where I miraculously woke up after three days and wanted to walk around?”

Janus said nothing for a few seconds and Roman looked up. He seemed to be oddly relaxed.

“He did,” Janus confirmed while placing on of his hands on his cane to distract himself a little from the tension. “He also praised how you sacrificed everything for him to help him get proper hearing aids and learn sign language.”

“Figures. He always loved that part of the story. Where I’m the hero and not the guy who crashed the car.”

“… You seem to be oddly unaffected?” Janus said after Roman’s matter-of-factly comment.

Roman simply shrugged, back at staring down to the ground and answered: “Well, I don’t remember most of it. Like any of it. Before the crash; gone. And after I was pretty sedated for quite a bit so it’s all fuzzy. I’m sure he mentioned that.”

Janus despised this. He hated that Roman talked about something like this as if it was nothing more than a mediocre school trip from third grade. He hated that he didn’t get the sense from Roman that he was lying. He wanted Roman to be lying, wanted him to say how bad this had hurt him. And yet he didn’t. He just seemed fine in the soft light in this greenhouse and something turned and twisted in Janus’s stomach.

“He did, indeed,” Janus said reluctantly after a few seconds.

“You know what he didn’t tell you?”

Roman’s shoe scratched over the floor as he asked the question.

“What?”

Roman took a moment to catch his breath and Janus focused on the rapid changes of his mimic. But he was not fast enough to catch what it had been about, as Roman soon began to speak.

“When I woke up after the crash. In this bed, connected to all those fussy tubes and machines. I was … at ease. For the first time in months I was at ease when I woke up. Because for months I woke up every morning scared to death that our father would find out. That today was the day where he would throw us out of the house or hurt us even worse than he already did. And in this very moment when I opened my eyes, I knew that Remus had gotten us here. That he had executed the plan I set up. That he got me out, called the ambulance or whatever, because I would have been dead had it not been for him. I just knew I would have. And I knew he had stopped them form letting our parents get us. I knew. And I was right. They never got us. We were free, for the first time in years and I was so relieved.”

Janus just stared at Roman. Stared how he took a sip out of his beer and then finally looked up to him. With teary eyes but a smile which could not be fake.

“That’s why he’s my hero.”

Oh.

Just oh. And at once Janus understood where exactly he had seen that look before and made a note in the back of his mind to call and check on Latona one of these days.

Janus forced himself to smile a little and nodded at Roman. He understood. There was nothing for him to add, nothing to say more. Not now at least.

They sat there for a bit longer. The air was warm and the evening relatively quiet. Just like a summer Monday evening should be, they supposed. Janus let out a drawn-out breath and Roman watched him do so. They exchanged a grin.

“What else did Remus tell you? He said he told you stuff at today’s lunch?” Roman asked now in a rather suspicious tone.

Janus grinned. He knew how much elder siblings liked to embarrass the younger ones with stupid stories. For once he was not the victim of those tales though and as of now, he was quite happy with that.

With a smirk he retold the two tales of the museum trip and the fight Roman had gotten in and watched how Roman visibly cringed at all the details and eventually just buried his head in his hands. When Janus finished Roman let out a mockingly pained groan. Dramatically he threw his head back to which Janus could not help himself but laugh at.

Roman got up and flustered walked a few rounds around the flower boxes while mumbling quietly to himself.

“I can’t believe him!” Roman said after a while clearly not as mad as he wanted to be and turned to Janus. “Dares to tell me that I need to let go of the past and then tell such silly stories about me! Especially the tooth one! It’s terrible!”

“I wouldn’t say terrible,” Janus argued with a smirk, “more like amusing. At least in retrospect. I can understand that must have been terrifying the day it occurred.”

Roman nodded vehemently and gesticulated quite a bit before he sat down right where he stood on the cold floor criss-crossing his legs as soon as his bottom touched the floor.

“You have no idea!” Roman said and continued gesticulating agitatedly. “I was so sure I’d get expelled that day, which would have been a guarantee for me having to repeat this miserable school year. If it hadn’t been for Mamá who somehow managed to get me out of this mess I-”

Roman broke off. At once he looked terribly sad. Concerned Janus thought about standing up and getting to him, as Roman suddenly continued talking.

“I haven’t… I haven’t talked about my mother for so long…”

Janus waited. But nothing came. He stood up, let his cane lean against the table and walked the few steps towards Roman. He stretched out his hand for him. Roman looked up. He was perplexed. He had not seen him walking up to him.

“What is up with her? You can tell me.”

Roman hesitated for a moment. Then he took Janus’s hand. Just felt the warmth and the comfort in it. The little bit of trust he had been granted.

“Don’t tell Remus, but I miss her.”

Roman stood up and let Janus hold onto him as he led him back to the table.

“She wasn’t the best Mamá but she loved us. I know she did. She should have tried to speak up to our father, I know. But she was scared too. She was also a victim. I know it doesn’t excuse the abandonment. I get that. And she never came to look after us after we were gone. So, I know I shouldn’t be hoping anymore. I know. I just. I just…”

“You just miss her.”

They stood in front of the little table. Janus looked up to Roman, his eyes filled with understanding. And Roman felt himself relax. He let Janus sit down on the chair and sat down on the floor in front of him.

“Can I hold your hand?” Roman asked.

Janus smiled.

“Of course.”

And then Roman held his hand while sipping on his beer and eventually leaning his head against Janus’s good knee, while letting his thoughts run wild for a moment.

___

@varthandi

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#sanders sides #remus sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #janus sanders #talk about parents #Life on Crow Avenue #mim writes #please reblog

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