#Like I need therapy but I also need to talk with like. Philosophers because I highly doubt any psychologist's ability to change how I feel

[z00r0p4]

Been progressively getting more depressed and weepy on a daily basis about the hopelessness and meaningless of my life n situation n just today realized "oh it's because I go back to school on monday" and I associate school with pain because the seats are always fucking horrible and I always have to do sooo much work and coordination with accommodations, and I have a 3 hour long class this semester that I have to take in order to graduate with my minor and I cannot sit almost anywhere for that fucking long given my health problems. So I'm going to have to probably talk to this professor and beg them to let me stream in-- which will probably not work. My spanish class is in a room with god awful seating. I have one class more than I usually do and even though its a 1 credit class it's still another hour I have to spend in pain.

So all that said, my brain is apparently so traumatized by how awful my pain has gotten in the last 2 years that it's basically triggered by just. school. Probably need some sort of cptsd diagnosis. And lots of therapy. idk guys. I hope I can actually make it to my graduation.

[sumersprkl]

I'm watching Star Trek Lower Decks for the first time and I just had like a 10 minute long philosophical discussion with my SO on the topic of "William" "Transporter Clone" Boimler.

It started out with me thinking about why he acted so differently from regular Boimler in the scene where Riker wanted one of them to transfer back to the Cerritos, and I decided that he probably was thinking "The right thing to do would be for both of us to step forward and volunteer to go back to the Cerritos and hope that the other guy gets picked. But, man... I'm the transporter clone. I have to live the rest of my life knowing I'm not even the real Brad Boimler. I need this win. I know he's gonna volunteer, expecting me to do the same, because that's what I would do, so what if I just... don't?"

And after a while we came to the conclusion that for the rest of his life, Transporter Clone Boimler calls Mariner while drunk off his ass on Andorian Ale like "I know I'm not your real best friend but can we just talk for a while? "

And Mariner verbally kicks his ass over whatever he's crying about and then uses him to extract embarrassing childhood memories to use against her Boimler. Also she's even harder on him than Original Recipe Boimler, because this version of him did actually, permanently abandon her, and didn't even walk that choice back when he had the option to do so. It's basically an extension of Holodeck Therapy for her.

And it drives Bradward Boimler absolutely NUTS that Mariner knows so much weird shit about him that he's never told anybody, and whenever he asks, Mariner just says in a really ominous voice "I have my sources..." so Boimler goes on an episode-long paranoia-fueled rampage where he interrogates everyone he knew for his entire life before Starfleet to figure out who is leaking info, and at the end of the episode Mariner's like "Yeah man, I have like, bi-weekly drunk calls with your transporter clone. He's pretty cool." (It is absolutely VITAL that this episode takes place far enough into the future of the series that no one on the show OR in the audience remembers that "William" "Transporter Clone" Boimler ever even existed.)

[lamentus1]

Where Ed starts to learn that his actions were forgivable and that he is lovable.

Ed believes that he is unlovable and yet the crew shows him love despite everything he put them through. He feels guilt about what he did to them, and yet the crew forgive him easily.

This contradicts some of the takes I’ve seen over the past few months that suggest the crew didn’t forgive Ed, or that it wasn’t explicitly shown that they forgave him. I sometimes wonder if those people missed episode 5. In this episode everyone gets closure (or at least starts to).

Ed’s initial speech might sound like a politician’s speech, but even at that stage some of the crew are won over, some even impressed by his apology.

Ed and Izzy share a drink out of a bottle. Ed apologies to Izzy, saying sorry about his leg. It’s awkward, but it’s right for both of them.

Lucius might not get closure after throwing Ed off the ship, but he does start on a sort of path to healing. His therapy is drawing pictures of Ed in an attempt to reconcile the real Ed with the evil Ed in his head. He is putting Ed’s face on nice things that he likes, like flowers and dogs, and kind of creating positive associations with Ed’s face to wipe out the negative one that he had. It’s great therapy. And then Izzy tells him that moving on is better and Lucius takes Pete’s advice and focuses on the fact that he lived and he finally takes hold of what he wants - a life with Pete.

When Ed speaks to Fang he admits his guilt. He says: “Maybe I did too much. I took a man’s leg. Terrorised you. I wasn’t a good guy. I’d like to make amends, but honestly I wouldn’t even know where to start, what to say to make things better. How to say it. There are certain things I should be saying…”

At which point Fang interrupts and basically stops him saying any more. In fact he accuses him of talking too much “because you don’t know how to sit with yourself.” Why does Fang cut Ed off at that point? Maybe he is just saying it’s ok, we forgive you, or maybe he just wants Ed to stop scaring the fish. Whatever reason Fang thinks Ed has said enough. He is forgiven.

Ed takes on Fang’s advice to stop talking and just “sit with yourself”. The whole experience with Fang probably leads to Ed’s philosophical approach to being a fisherman.

What’s all this say? That Ed feels like he has to do more to make amends, but the crew is like: ”We’re ok. We still love you.” I also think there is an element of we don’t need to forgive you for what happened because it wasn’t your fault, it was your depression and despair. Nobody should be blamed for a mental breakdown.

But even in the next episode Ed still feels the guilt. In the Calipso’s Birthday episode we have the Guilt Room. “Excellent, A reminder of my guilt. A guilt room,” as Ed says. Even though the crew has forgiven him, he won’t forgive himself.

Ed uses the symbol of his guilt for something good, he turns the poison into positivity with the party paid for by the plunder. But then of course even that goes wrong with the arrival of Ned Lowe, which Ed blames himself for (Ned being one of his passive suicide options that he has now brought down on the crew and Stede).

I feel that the choice of words Ed uses when he tries to stop Stede killing Ned are significant. He says: “Killing in cold blood, you can’t come back from that.” I always wondered what he meant by that, it seems a strange thing to suggest that the circumstances would be “in cold blood” (e.g. no emotion, ruthless and unfeeling) when they are anything but. That’s not what Stede is doing at all, Stede is defending his crew and ridding the world of someone who sort to hurt and kill them all. He is defending his crew from an evil person, just like Ed defended his mother and himself from his father. It’s another thing Ed has to learn: that sometimes killing is justified and it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Then Ed goes to Stede afterwards to offer support and Stede’s reaction to Ed standing at the door talking about how his first kill was his father is to pull him towards him. Perhaps this isn’t just Stede saying he wants Ed, it could also be Stede saying that it was the right thing to do for both of them, to protect their family. And that they have that thing in common. They are comforting each other - and it’s definitely what Ed wanted to happen, I firmly believe he didn’t only go to Stede to comfort him.

I’m going to leave it there, because obviously Ed still has a lot to work through before he can truly forgive himself and learn that he is loved, but he is part way there.

[satureja13]

After their picknick, they called the horses and showed Ji Ho the surroundings. What a stunning landscape!

Noxee and Greg took a walk at the beach together. Greg drew a heart in the sand and they shared a steamy kiss. After Ji Ho woke up again, Noxee will leave soon and they are making the most of their time together. (The steamy kiss is one of the new romantic interactions from the Lovestruck EP)

Poor Jack wishes he could unsee it. He hates Greg. And he hates that this beast kisses his precious Noxee. Ach - he feels like he's cursed. There's no love for him and Noxee, no love for him and Kiyoshi and neither for him and Lou... It had started so promising with Lou, though. Two of his painful spots had already vanished - and then he's together with Caleb?! Gods! Did Jack interpret the signs from Lou all wrong? Plus: Lou 'only' was an NPC in a game - his therapy game, at that. Sai never gets tired of telling him this. But what was the lesson for him to learn then? That there's no love for him? That he should start a new life after his ingame death and do better? And now he isn't even allowed to be 'just mates' with Kiyoshi... Jack sighed.

The moon was rising above the ocean when they returned to Verdantis. They cared for the animals and went over to the Screaming Mandrake, since Jeb needed to talk to them.

Jeb told them how much he worries about Kiyoshi and how hard it had been to keep him by his side - and from going back into the tree again - during the time Jack left and lived at the beach house. And how much Kiyoshi prospered after Jack came back. That the periods where he was able to be in the here-and-now prolonged. And that he even started to talk. Saiwa still can't believe that Jack - for once - is not causing trouble but even is of a greater use ^^': "Do you really think it's because of Jack?" But Vlad also agreed. He'd seen first hand how far Kiyoshi drifted away again after Jack had left.

Noxee knows how much Sai worries about Jack, he's like a younger brother to him and they'd been to hell and back together. And she still remembers how broken Jack was when he decided to finally end his relationhip with Kiyoshi. But is it fair to sacrifice the wellbeing of Kiyoshi to protect Jack from a potential harm? Jeb: "I don't want to push it on you, Jack. You're all grown up, but still vulnerable and I don't want you to fall back again." Poor Saiwa feels like he's caught in a very unpleasant dream. Between protecting Jack and letting him go living his own life and making his own decisions...

Jack: "I mean, it's not like I want to go back where we've been. Like, never. I just really like Kiyoshi and I want him to feel better - I want to help him. I did my part too to ruin our relationship. I see that. But Sai, you can't protect me from everything out there in this wild world. Where will it end? I know I have my issues, but I think I also proofed that I evolved and learned, hm?" Saiwa is still not convinced: "You wanted a relationship with a non-existant person, Jack." Jack: "Who says Lou doesn't exist? He was aware, intelligent and sensitive. All this and more. And this makes him a person. He just wasn't in our reality." Jack, our little philosopher, might even be right. (If you want to dive deeper, check this article -> here)

Noxee is bringing them back to topic again: "If you think it's ok for you, Jack, I will talk to Rita. We could at least try to confirm that you really have a good influence on Kiyoshi. Even she must see that it's of no help for anyone when he's in a state like this. Jeb is right. He's surely not happy. And when he has one of his brighter days again, he can go meet her and speak for himself, hm?"

Isn't it funny that in our reality, Kiyoshi would be considered even more crazy than Jack? ^^' A guy who isn't responsive most of the time and claims to be a demon/minor deity o.o

It's already late and Noxee took them to the yard for their Yoga/Tantra practise. And to teach them a few more poses before she leaves.

Jack and Sai are stunned how flexible Noxee is ö.Ö' But they are all doing so well after practising for so many months now.

'You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do And it's breaking my heart in two Because I never want to see you sad, girl Don't be a bad girl But if you want to leave, take good care Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware Beware

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world It's hard to get by just upon a smile Oh baby, baby, it's a wild world And I'll always remember you like a child, girl'

Cat Stevens - Wild World (Live 1971)

Outtakes

As soon as they returned from their ride-out and dismounted, the horses immediately fell asleep ö.ö (Yang Mal sleeps standing ^^') Why are they so tired all the time? They live in another household and they can sleep whenever they want to. But no. Sometimes they even force the rider to dismount because they want to sleep - in the middle of the day -.-

From the Beginning 🔱 Underwater Love 🔱 Latest

Current Chapter: 'Here comes the Sun' from the beginning ▶️ here Last Chapter: 'Who killed Jack?' from the beginning ▶️ here

📚 Previous Chapters: Chapters: 1-6 ~ 7-12 ~ 13-16 ~ 17-22 ~ 23-28

[some-of-us-watch-the-sunset-too]

hi!! i understand if you don’t feel comfortable writing this but could you maybe do a lil thing where someone from the gang realizes reader tried to like. die. and the gang kinda comforts them? again u don’t need to lol

Mental health with the boys

A/N: i’ve got these two asks that are kinda similar so i’m gonna write a bit of a combination of the two. i’ll also say i’m not very yk- all knowing when it comes to this stuff so i’m only taking from my own experiences.

Tags: angsty fluff maybe?

if you told him you were struggling with your mental health Darry would most likely be the most sensible of the boys in the sense that he’d help you find a therapist over just helping you deal with stuff himself. he’d always be there for you when you needed him and he’d help you come up with coping mechanisms. if it was an ED he might make a meal plan with you and you could come over to the curtis’ every evening for dinner if that helped you to eat. he wouldn’t put pressure to eat though of course.

Soda would be like darry in some ways but also he wouldn’t be in other ways. If he found out you were struggling he would be the most caring and supportive person ever in your healing journey. i honestly doubt that a therapist would be his first thought process but it might come a little later. i think he’d try to keep things lighthearted for the most part to try and help you maybe to forget your problems for a little while when you’re together.

Ponyboy, oh poor pony. he really wouldn’t know what to do, especially since he’s so young. he’d try to comfort you hand help as much as he can but he would most likely go to darry for advice on what to do. the one thing i think he’d do well is noticing when you’re getting anxious or something. maybe you tap your foot or bounce your knee, maybe you fiddle with your pen or switchblade or something. whatever it is he’d notice and when he does notice these things, he probably won’t say anything but he’d put his hand on your arm and then if he knew that you didn’t mind hugs when you were anxious he’d hug you.

Dally..as much as i wanna say “he’d be so supportive and always there for you blah blah blah” he wouldn’t really. i mean he’d try to understand but since he’s spent his whole life burying his emotions and ignoring his problems that he wouldn’t know where to begin when trying to help someone else. because of that he’d go to darry for help, so then like i said in darry’s section he’d help you find a councillor or a therapist or something. one thing that i like to think is that when you come home from your therapy sessions that you talk about stuff like coping mechanisms that you can use and then dal would start trying to use them. in some way, you’d be learning how to heal together.

Two-Bit ml, he’d be very different than you might think he would. i mean in the film specifically (in my opinion) he’s presented as always joking and quite frankly- dumb. in the book he is presented similarly but he has a few moments where he can get very philosophical even (dk if that’s the right word or not) when he talks about what life is like for the greasers. given these i think that Two would be very helpful, i honestly think that he secretly has his own stuff going on so he might be able to relate to how you feel and he would 100% help as much as possible. same as pony he’d notice what you do when you get anxious so he’d be first to help you when you do.

I love Steve but if you started crying in front of him he’d be so awkward. he doesn’t really- get sad. he gets angry instead. so he has no clue what to do when someone cries in front of him. he’d go to soda for help on what to do. then soda would go to darry and basically what he does it what darry would do. just like dally over time he’d start to adopt the coping mechanisms you learned and he’d start dealing with his own things too. he’d start journaling. don’t ask why, he just would.

Johnny…well as always with johnny im kinda stumped so ignore how bad this is ok? johnnys sweet, but he’s dealing with so much he just finds it hard to help you yk? you two would lay in the lot and vent to each other but i don’t know if either of you would help each other too much? i say maybe you would convince each other to get professional help n stuff though. in school you two would sneak off together if one of you needed to get away from everything for a bit. again like some of the others, you’d learn to heal together, only this time you’re both aware of it. unlike dal and steve who would try to hide it.

[travellingwiththedead]

IwtV s2e3 rewatch notes

Because once again everything is happening so much and I need to take notes xD

(spoilers for show and books behind the read more)

So Daniel is allowed to leave the penthouse, didn't seem like it before. Is this a test to see what he'll do?

My man your handwriting is as bad as mine xD

"Where is the coven now(maybe)??? Today? Cell phone, Google, CCTV. SAN FRANCISCO, Polynesean Mary. Playboy Magazine. Alice. They'll come for Lenora and Kate next. nee (use??) Lestat as a doorstop/CLAUDIA!. MARA'S CAB. COKE BETTY GRABLE. THIS TIME I WONT SAVE YOUR LIFE"

so, "Raglan James". Why that character? If it is him. I guess can't have Mr. Superior General running around spying on vampires in Dubai but...this guy? So if it it's really Raglan my guess is he's not really Talamasca any longer and he's spying on vampires because he's looking for one recless enough to do the thing. And he thinks Daniel is his best bet on getting the intel.

"You're not the first to attempt this, Mr. Molloy. I could give you the names of four others who have and they're all dead. Or undead." Yeah, that tends to happen when you lot tangle with the vampires xD

"How many Rashids, Rahid?" I guess poor Real Rashid can be glad Daniel's not calling him Renfield LOL

"They are peaceful beings"....who eat people. My dear Real Rashid, I don't think that word means what you think it means xD

Armand stop making heart eyes at Daniel (actually don't xD)

Blenders mention (also they're not trying to sell them to you, you little gremlin, because you already bought so many xD)

Still very much "Sure, Jan" about Armand's story about how he met Lestat. I mean, he's clearly telling it with the agenda of making himself look better, understandable. But also he's making Nicki out to be some little fling Lestat didn't care about and he hates Gabrielle so much he's not even mentioning her. Sure, Jan xD

But dang every one is acting their hearts out and they're all so fabulously good at it.

You know the one thing really in character for Lestat in Armand's story? Dragging around a whole ass crucifix to make a point xD

Armand's definition of unharmed is as bad as Rashid's definition of peaceful LOL

"You led him there so he could destroy it." Hit the nail right on the head. Armand wants to get rid of the Children of Darkness? Oh look, a vampire who doesn't obey the rules and can help him with that. He wants to get rid of the Theatre de Vampires? Oh, look, a Louis.....

Still so amusing how Lestat's hair in Armand's story is always on point and how it's mostly terrible when Louis hallucinates him xD

I'm guessing these be their laws in Latin, my Latin is rusty and I never was much good at it but

looks like "III. Nullus lamia vampiris debet scibere historiam" for example and google translate says that's "No one should know the history of vampires" so....

I still think the whole sexual assault thing with Claudia is unnecessary. Bad choice to do that, imho.

It's so heart breaking to see how much Claudia wants to belong with the Theatre coven. Vampires are still arseholes and always will be.

When's a door not a door? xD sorry, but that's basically my only thought about Armand's entry there.

Not Louis taking a picture to see if Lestat's actually there or not.

I feel like it's a bad idea to open a chat conversation with Daniel when the vampires can read his mind. Seems like a sure way to be found out....

Louis getting philosophical and Daniel just hammering at buttons because his computer is being taken over is funny, ok? xD

Those Talamaska files are interesting. "PC Members Extinct 1556-1949", "Armand (Arun Amadeo)".

Hm, I feel like talking loud enough for Sartre to be annoyed by it about killing people seems like it's breaking your laws a lot, Armand LOL

Also Dream Lestat is being a right bitch, it's hilarious.

Louis, darling, you're losing it, you need therapy

How about telling Claudia they're all on to you? Would be a good idea before she joins their coven, one would think...

Why is Santiago's last name Windsor? xD like no, he does not look like a Windsor. I thought he was one of the one name gang, like Madonna LOL

And the Talamasca just spoiled Daniel about what will happen to the Theatre, rude xD

Of course Armand would make it out to have been Santiago who demanded he take out Louis. Sure, Jan.

So fucking dramatic to take Louis into the sewers and threaten him and then actually do nothing at all to him.

Louis, you really should not be turned on by people who just said they should kill you, dear xD

Yeah, casting Claudia as the baby is not fucked up, at all....

EDIT: also apparently this Theatre coven doesn't wall people up, they put them in the morgue fridges xD (which usually are one big fridge inside instead of many little ones but I guess they'll not do that here....)

over all, very fun episode, and stellar performances from the whole cast but especially Assad and Jacob.

[hackerqueen]

Another Love

Chapter 1 Heartburn

warnings: this fanfiction will tackle heavy topics such as mental health and violence. there will be sex scenes.

– Fuck!

This word was often repeated every morning in my apartment. I was not an early bird, quite the opposite. I definitely preferred to fall asleep late in the evening, often in the middle of the night, to sleep until noon. Unfortunately, I was no longer a teenager, but a twenty-three-year-old woman who had to go to work every morning to pay the rent and bills. Life was often a bitch, wasn't it?

More curses spilled out of my mouth as my windshield wipers sped faster than Dan making up another shitty joke. Or a meme. His memes sucked, though I never told him that.

Duskwood was usually cloudy and rainy at this time of year. This is the second time I am convinced of this, because I moved here exactly two years ago. At times like this, I ask myself why? I could live peacefully in sunny California, sipping drinks on my balcony. But sometimes life writes its own scripts without asking you.

The pouring rain made my commute a bit more difficult, but I finally made it to the office where I was supposed to stay for another eight or nine hours. My boss threw papers at my desk, which didn't bode well. Halfway through work, I looked at my co-workers. Since I was a child, I liked to observe, analyze and draw conclusions about human behavior. So it was also now. However, the current view made me drowsy boredom. A group of people locked in a glass building, caring only if their shitty paperwork will pay the rent and pay off the mortgage. Will it allow them to go out to dinner at a restaurant at the beginning of the month, or maybe they'll get lucky and they can afford four days away at the end of the year? Corpsrats whose minds were completely closed to the world around them. I was a hypocrite judging them. Because I was absolutely the same. I also chased after money, abandoning my dreams and passions.

Deep, philosophical considerations were interrupted by the ringing of the phone. Seeing the name on the screen, I smiled slightly, despite my obvious tiredness. I picked up right away.

– Hello, hello. - greeted a nice, almost singing voice, which finally regained this lovely note – I'm picking you up from work today.

– But..

– Without any buts. We'll be choosing decorations today, you can't be absent! Nobody I know has better taste than you. Besides, you know what Thomas is like. He'll agree with me about everything, even if I pick the worst shit.

I burst out laughing. There was no contact with Hannah for several weeks. She needed hours of therapy, shed tears, and shutting herself off from the world to recover. To understand what happened. Has she come to terms with it? Was there any reconciliation at all in this situation? No one in the group seemed to agree with it. Damn, how were they supposed to accept that their longtime friend, the man who always made them laugh, did something like that? They couldn't even talk to him. Only Jessy had this honor, but I don't know if it didn't affect her even worse. I was just a shadow. A hiding shadow that listened to their conversation.

– Okay, you convinced me. Be there at 4pm – I told her shortly and said goodbye. Maybe this day won't be so bad after all.

* * *

– Thomas, don't interfere. – I grumbled under my breath as I flicked through the catalog with bouquets

I heard his loud protests to which Hannah reacted immediately.

– Babe, you know I love you, but I'll be carrying the bouquet, not you. Unless you want too?

The man got angry and left us alone. I suppressed the urge to comment on her rather dubious choice of husband and rolled my eyes, but a mischievous smirk must have affected my face hearing my biting thoughts.

Did that sperm really win?

I stopped quickly when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

– I can see you're not getting along, but just a little more. It will be better after marriage. Thomas is just stressed out. – she assured me and I nodded – You know, two years ago it all ended. This anniversary has such an effect on him.

I felt a shiver run down my spine. How... how come it's been two years since this nightmare ended?

– Have you forgotten? – she asked, seeing the pale expression on my face

– N-No. – I coughed at my broken tone of voice. – It's just that... it's a bit weird? That, time flies so fast and we live like two years ago?

– Can we do otherwise? I think we'd be best off living for them. – she said, then smiled sadly and squeezed my hand – Have you been at his grave?

I sighed, slowly shooking my head.

– Me neither. I'm not ready for that yet. –she confessed honestly and my heart clenched. Today was the day I had to face my past.

Getting into the car, I typed into the GPS the cemetery, which was located on the outskirts of Duskwood. Half an hour later, I was there. I gripped the steering wheel, letting out shaky breaths. I had no idea how long I sat there, but I finally moved and took out the rose I had bought on the way out of the back of the car. It was intensely red, reflecting my feelings at that moment. My mind was unconscious, my feet led me all the way to the grave. No wonder, my body knew the way by heart. I looked up at the name carved on it.

Jake Donfort

I swallowed. One candle was lit, illuminating this late evening. So Lilly must have been here already. I crouched down and carefully placed the flower on his grave. It may have been two years, but some things haven't changed. My heart still burned as I remembered the black-haired hacker who once meant so much to me. Now my heart squeezed even tighter as I realized something else.

The memory of him was fading, a little at a time and I could feel myself forgetting.

Time passed inexorably, and my upside down life returned to normal. Two years ago, I couldn't imagine my life without him. We had a promise, right? He promised we'd meet. He promised he wouldn't let us be separated. However, his promise was burned with him in the mine fire because he never came back. Even though he said he would.

[llynwen]

hey I saw your tags abt reading the MM book too and I desperately need to hear abt it from more ppl that also shoved it up their ass. Thoughts?

oh brother you have no idea just how many thoughts i have about it.

i really didn't wanna read the book because i knew it was going to make me go insane, but then a friend of mine who i'm trying to force to watch the show (i beg of you martyna. it's so good) decided to get it for me for my birthday.

from the very first few fucking pages i was Perplexed, to put it lightly. i was expecting a light and breezy autobiography with some silly childhood anecdotes and maybe behind the scenes tea about the hollywood crowd. Instead i was served almost 300 pages of trauma dumping, philosophical ruminations and some very TMI info that i wish i never read. i rated this book 5/5 on goodreads btw.

the first thing that really knocked me on my ass was this (i'm ignoring the ketchup story i DON'T want to think about that)

this should've given me an idea about that kind of book this was gonna be. yet i continued on, blindly, thinking, okay maybe he just wanted to get that out there. more power to him. whatever. (not really).

then the motherfuckers starts explaining his little philosophy, the titular green lights, right? and i'm like, yeah. i agree. you're correct. but why did it take you 50 years to figure this out? i'm 24 and i've been living by this very logic for years. Anyways. i continue reading.

now, bro spends half the book trying to convince us his parents were NOT abusive. i disagree. i think he has stockholm syndrome. i hope he's in therapy. i don't wanna think about this either.

now, this is where i started catching on that he was lying to me. i know it took me an embarrassingly long time, but i was giving him the benefit of the doubt. the undead parrot and the 13 story tree house, however, was what made me go Wait A Damn Minute.

yeah, turns out this book isn't a memoir, it's a mix between a magical realism novel, a self help handbook and a philosophical treaty. served to you on really nice paper (i mean Really nice. i appreciate that) with important words in bold, italics or even sometimes in green (which i appreciate even more, since i am tragically dyslexic).

after establishing that all men do is, in fact, lie, i gained a different outlook on the whole thing (i swear i need to read it again, this time in full englit major mode, make some notes and dissect this thing like it's shakespeare).

i like how candid he is about kind of getting lucky with the whole famous thing. he really took that slutty slutty waist and peculiar bone structure of his and said I'm Gonna Make A Career Out Of This. good for him.

he is, however, just a man, and at the end of the day, you can really tell he sees the world through his privilege. the white straight cis christian rich and famous thing kinda sways him into obnoxious territory in some parts, and it had me seething with rage. like, i too would love to go hike through south america because it came to me in a dream. i'd looooove to go visit my favorite unknown artist in a country on the other side of the world. i was half hoping to read about a piranha biting his shlong off when he went skinny dipping in the motherfucking amazon. (un)fortunately, no dice.

the david and goliath story made me chuckle out loud. he makes it Just believable enough to make you think about it. i like being made to think.

the philosophics continue in the form of the single most cursed wall of chicken scratches i ever did see. i sat there, straining my eyes, trying to decipher this shit, and i'm pretty sure he was on something when he wrote it because all of this

could be summed up with "you've gotta leave your comfort zone to learn more about yourself and the world." suck my cock dude.

i Really like how he talks about his wife. but then again, when you look at her, there really isn't any other way of talking about her.

i mean. how the Fuck did his stinky ass pull this goddess. lucky bastard.

now, the 3ish pages where he talks about filming the show (which was the whole reason i even started reading) are criminally underwhelming. i was hoping for a sneak peak into that elusive 450 page manuscript (i will Steal your laptop matthew. watch out), but instead i got a one liner of him being like i wanna play rusty because he's the specialest little girl in the whole entire world and the producers going yeah fine. THAT'S IT. still mad about this, especially because after that he hits you with the love letter to new orleans. i mean be serious. he should Not be allowed to write shit like that.

to summarize, i think he might be a genius, or he might be insane. he is probably both. i want to shove this book up his ass for many reasons, for example him making me learn the names of his kids (i hate knowing things about celebrity kids. leave them out of this) or for making me agree with him. because i do. agree. I don't appreciate his continued efforts to convert me to christianity and i think he's disgustingly obnoxious in some places, but the truth is he has a real cool outlook on a lot of things and i'm very mad that i now respect this bastard for more than his acting skills. i would like to buy him a six pack and listen to him talk about it. i'd love to argue with him, too. i can recommend this book to everybody who feels like they need to experience some psychic damage and maybe an existentialist crisis alongside it. on Very Nice Paper.

[batsplat]

what would u get each of the aliens for Christmas :)

a therapy voucher :) one of those ten uses cards you can stamp off after every session

oof idk what do you get rich people... I mean let's not go too wild with the fantasy and accept I'm broke as shit. giving legendary motogp riders christmas presents sounds plausible but money is a step too far. so no rich people gifts, at most middle class gifts to be #aspirational. also my rule is nothing racing or bike-related because that's boring and lame

first off jorge. I would give jorge a speech before this one, a gentle one but still one I need him to take seriously. I need to sit this man down and explain to him that 'only reads shitty non fiction because you doesn't believe fiction is your thing but has also watched and enjoyed the vampire diaries' is a philosophically untenable position. this cannot be an approach you take in life. I think I can talk him out of this one, and if I can get away with it I would also use the opportunity to burn all the books he currently has. but yeah I would get him a dvd boxset of something with a similar enough vibe to vampire diaries where I think I could get into it. buffy is superficially similar but is tonally different, but if I thought I could swing buffy!! maybe something like pretty little liars, I bet he'd enjoy that. and then I'd get him some ya monster romance novels of dubious quality, not tvd because they are pretty different from the show, also not twilight because everyone's kinda made up their minds on that. my knowledge of monster romance is outdated and also kinda hazy but I'd find something suitably fun and trashy

okay that was the easy one. um. Uhh. valentino I think you get with something personalised and just funny, an in joke or whatever, which is tricky because I don't know the guy. some trashy shit from a novelty store that you know would make him laugh, just something silly. he also has super tacky tastes... again novelty store, something massively tacky. you live in britain and stumble across an inexplicably neon yellow mug with a portrait of the queen (surely they still sell merch with her) on it, idk!! failing that I reckon the easy way is to just adopt the oxley approach and get him some super obscure music records he wouldn't have otherwise come across. my music taste is not refined enough to make suggestions off the top of my head but I'm sure I'd come up with something

casey...... have you ever noticed how heavily the australian flag features in all of casey's branding? all this stuff vaguely commemorating a non specific patriotic attachment (flags and kangaroo, quite generic) to a country he hadn't lived in since age fourteen... I am NOT taking the christmas present post in a sad direction just because we've gotten to casey I PROMISE but also I wonder if something kitschy still works on him now, or if it's TOO easy, like you could get him with that circa 2007 I reckon. also i think I would be a bit scared casey would hate my present so I'd put a lot of thought into it. I mean the way to his heart is probably getting his daughters something cute, or you could get on his bad side 4 lyfe by getting them neon yellow shirts or something. Casey does have a sense of humour but you are dancing a very fine line with him.... if I had valentino's charm I'd get him something stereotypically australian-themed in a really dumb way where everyone involved knows it's useless like a book about taming kangaroos or something massively stupid like that, but I do NOT have valentino's charm and it falls flat if you don't get the execution right. I'd also steer clear of anything illness related because surely it must be annoying to get a superficially thoughtful gift based on a ten minute google search for conditions you've spent years of your life figuring out how best to manage. I now have a worryingly long list of things I would not get casey. I think maybe I'm overthinking this, like casey doesn't think of himself as particularly materialistic and I'm unconvinced he's massively into gift giving. to some extent it shouldn't be that serious with him.... depends on your relationship with him and how likely he is to regard you with suspicion. I'm better at joke gifts so I'm thinking of a guide to all European countries but that's another suggestion I'm throwing on the unhelpful pile. tourist guide to portugal. no. oh god casey is so neurotic it might actually be contagious.... I also have such a good working knowledge of what he gets up to in a way I don't have for any of these other guys and it's STILL not helping, like I know he got into indoor climbing about a decade ago but the fuck do you buy someone for that?? a wall?? I'd end up chickening out and doing something boring like trying to get him into bread baking or getting barbecue related stuff, or like a family board game. yeah that last one actually, something fun he can do with his daughters

marc is another one where you get him with something really stupid. a joke shirt, something deeply lame. you go into a tourist trap in a major city and you stumble across a joke printed on a shirt about being short, so terrible that it doesn't exist off facebook any more but is still regularly a major hit there. idk what joke, I would let facebook inspire me. maybe I'd even print one myself, make the extra effort, all for a godawful boomer meme. marc would eat it up. BUT he's also such a loner who both isolates himself and gets :(( about that isolation sometimes that you could get him with something surprisingly thoughtful. again this is the kind of thing that depends on a personal relationship!! something like a nice fancy headrest pillow thingy for flights that helps him not put too much pressure on his arm or something (not inspired by anything specific currently happening in my life right now). not THAT exactly because you'd assume all riders have their flight situation perfectly customised by now, but that general vibe

dani... again unfortunately the valentino principle where there's certain dumb gifts you can probably only pull off with a dani type if you are maxxed out in your charisma stats. uhh I think dani is one of those guys who's easy in one sense to get presents because he would be nice about the present but also tough because it'd be tricky because it'd be hard to get him to be particularly enthusiastic. getting him something samurai themed feels kind of lame, very much the present of not knowing what else to get someone. which, well.... I'd go a different route here and go less for a momentary gift and more something that's like. a fun day out. a voucher for a mini golf course, that kind of thing. take him out to go bowling. idk if dani likes either of those things but idk,, you're less likely to get the worst present opening look (politely confused) and instead go for something more active and fun. dealer's choice if you do it with him or invite anyone else or whatever

[ggren-mainz]

Umineko - question arcs playthrough -> ep 2 - 3

last part - All parts and episodes - next part

So this post was just sitting in my drafts and i completely forgot about it lol?? I assume i wanted to put some more photos but id argue it's enough, so here is part 3.

Maria has a little fit in the train, and Rosa hits her again, to the shock and horror of everyone else in the train. It really is sad to see this, both for Maria for obvious reasons, and for Rosa for seeing how much she fails at being a mother.

child abuse. Lovely.

it hurts me too, personally. This really is tragic, Ryukishi why must you hurt us like this. But this does really put in perspective why Maria is so obsessed with witches and magic.

"Wdym i'm projecting my insecurities and issues on my child? it's the 9y olds fault that my husband doesn't love me!"

Rosa reminds me to an uncomfortable level of my mom, so I can't help but hope that perhaps in another life (cough cough some fanfiction) she got the help and therapy she needed and was able to be an actual good mom. Or perhaps she's just an actual horrible mother who hates her child and is just a horrible being in general and i am the one doing the projecting now. nooooo

Yeah i was gonna say that i suspect that Maria thinks her mom is possessed by some evil spirit, and seems like that's true. Is that another reason why Rosa doesn't deny the witches stuff? Because she needs it as an excuse for her abuse?

Anyways Rosa offers to buy Maria some sweets and they go to a supermarket. In the meantime we are showed some discussions in Krauss' family

Me after the 7th billion test where i cross out the right answer moments before the end of the test because i don't trust myself.

O? So does that mean that they won't let his siblings to talk to Kinzo?

Is this refering to Beatrice or could it refer to Battler? Idk it would make no sense to be Battler but i just have a feeling it might refer to him. Who knows

#relathionshipgoals

woah woah what's this? feat my achievment

huuuuuuhh??? why is she playing a game with HIM?? Where does this happen? In that purgatory place??

Ok so yeah prolly in that purgatory. Also idk why it took me so long but I'm starting to believe that "believe in you" isn't as literal as I've been taking it, and is actually more philosophical.

Battler pulled the danganronpa/ace attorney pose before it was cool.

why do all of these people act like 9 is the peak of maturity?? Bitch i still believed in santa claus at 9?? I thought i was some cat hybrid, who will be welcomed back by the shadow clan at 9. And like that was before i discovered twilight and thought i was a vampire. My cousin believed he's some shadow magic welder at 12. 9 is not that much y'all.

next part

[honeysuckle-venom]

@queerfirewatchers asked a lot of great questions about our journey towards fusion the other day, I'm going to make them into a post here! It's very long, so it's going below the cut

Does your therapist specialize in dissociative disorders? If not, do you feel like that was a vice in terms of recovery?

My therapist does not specialize in dissociative disorders, but she does specialize in trauma, and had a decent amount of experience with dissociative disorders before me. She also has a lot of experience/arguably specialization in psychotic disorders and trauma based psychosis, which has been hugely important for me. I do not at all feel like her not being a CDD specialist was a negative thing; in fact, for me personally it probably would've been a worse experience to work with a CDD specialist because of my particular comorbidities. It was definitely important that she had previous experience with DID, and it would've been a problem if I had felt like I was the one educating her, but thankfully that was not the case. The other reason it wasn't a problem for me in terms of recovery is that our journey towards fusion is 100% a trauma recovery journey. Very very little of the work we've done, especially in the last few years, has been explicitly about DID. We rarely talk about alters, and despite have therapy 2-3 times per week for over 9 years I know that my therapist could not name all of my alters, because that makes up very little of what we talk about. For me healing from DID has been primarily about a) healing from trauma and b) accepting the parts of myself that I feared/hated/was ashamed of. Those two things are what have lead to fusion for me, not explicit DID recovery/communication/integration work. There was a bit more of that type of work earlier on, but the last few years? Very very little. But of course my process is not going to be the same as anyone else's, and there are some people who do need a DID specialist. We just weren't one of them.

2. How did you get all your alters on board with it? I'm really struggling with that part because I feel like I can't get the parts who are blocking us to show up in therapy

I'm going to be honest, I don't 100% know how to answer this one. When we first learned about our DID we were terrified of fusion. It sounded like killing some of us off, like destroying some of our chances to be who we wanted to be. And then even when we tried to believe it wasn't really like that, it still sounded awful bc it meant we'd have to be present all the time, no more switching out when triggered or overwhelmed, and why would I ever do that to myself? Why would I get rid of such an effective coping mechanism? I tried to keep an open mind, and certainly was never philosophically against fusion like some people are, but most of us had zero interest in seeking it out for ourselves.

That attitude changed very slowly, largely due to interacting with other people who had fused or were interested in fusion or were at least discussing it without the fearmongering you see all over tumblr. And then, several years ago, my brain did a weird thing. It gave me a week off. For about a week, everyone except me went dormant, but it didn't feel scary or bad. It was essentially like a sneak preview of fusion. I didn't have the kind of access to other parts I have now, but it wasn't quite like normal dormancy either. It was quiet, and peaceful, and felt like how I imagined people who had never had DID felt. I don't know how or why my brain did this, and it didn't last very long. But it felt really good, and gave us the courage to really start to accept fusion as a goal. I know that's not a helpful answer, because I don't know how or why that happened to me and can't make it happen to you. But that's pretty much how we got everyone on board.

I will say something about the second part of your question though, about having trouble getting the parts who aren't on board to show up to therapy. First of all, that sounds very frustrating, and I'm sorry that's been hard. You probably know all of the normal advice here (try to find out why they don't want therapy, do they not like your therapist, are they afraid of integration, do they think they need to keep secrets for abusers and/or from other parts, etc etc etc). If it's important for them to go to therapy, obviously you should try to work on that, and if there are issues that are stopping it from happening you should address them. But. I will say that at least for us, it was not necessary for every part to go to therapy, and many of us have never been. Even some of our most "difficult" parts never attended therapy. Instead, I talked about them in therapy, and my therapist was usually the one encouraging me to have more empathy for those parts. That was more important in the end for us than some of those parts attending themselves. Additionally, fusion really won't happen if you're not all on board, and that's okay. One of the things you definitely don't want to do is push it. For us fusion was a very very slow and natural process that came along with healing and lowering dissociative barriers. By the time we got to the point when it would be possible, we had been working as a team for long enough that some parts not being on board was not an issue. We had to work very very hard at understanding and accepting each other, that was the most important thing, including understanding things we fundamentally disagreed on, and trying to work those disagreements out and compromise. We had an easier time with this than many systems do, but it still took a lot of effort. But once we had done that, everyone was kind of naturally on board and working together and fusion just started happening because we were finally ready. My advice is not to push towards fusion, it's to push towards healing and acceptance of each other, at which point fusion might be something that happens, or it might not. And having all parts attend therapy is not necessary for that and may in fact be counterproductive at the moment if you're forcing them to do something they don't want to do. I would recommend trying to understand what's holding them back from healing instead of trying to force them to heal in ways they aren't ready for.

3. I understand that part of healing is integrating and sharing memories and cooperating, but idk how to do that when so many of the memories are like…. paralyzing with how petrifying they are to have happened to Me Collectively instead of Me an Alter. how did you deal with fear, assuming you had something similar?

I've definitely dealt with this, and it was by far the hardest part of the whole thing. And also the most important part, unfortunately. A huge, huge part of integrating has been not just surface-level-acknowledging but truly processing that I actively experienced some honestly horrific things. In some ways I was kind of forced to push through that fear, because I was getting flashbacks/having things come up no matter what, so I had to talk about them. And I didn't force it overly when things weren't coming up naturally. I tend to trust my brain/subconscious to know when it's time to do trauma processing. But it was still extremely difficult when it was time to face processing and integrating those memories and experiences and grieving their effects. And I had to do it in layers. I would process an aspect of my trauma history, and be horrified, and feel sick, and grieve, and talk about it, and I would think I was done. But actually I was only processing to the extent I was capable of at the time. And then a year later I'd kind of reach a new level with my recovery and the same memories would hit me differently and I'd have to do the whole thing over again. And each time it was pretty horrible. I don't really have anything that makes the process better. What I can say is that it's fucking worth it. I was always told "it gets better" and "recovery is possible" but tbh I didn't truly believe it. I hung onto it as a mantra, because I needed that hope, but I couldn't internalize the concept until I started to experience it myself. Part of why it was so hard for me to accept is because I hadn't really met anyone who'd done it. All of my friends were also deeply mentally ill, and I was further along in therapy than pretty much all of them. The only source I had was my own therapist, I didn't know details but I knew she'd recovered from some Serious Stuff TM. But because I didn't know details it still wasn't that helpful of an example. But I'm experiencing it now, and I can finally say for sure that it's real. That not only is fusion real, but trauma recovery is real. Those same memories, that I had to process over and over in a deeply scary and painful way in therapy? That tortured me for years? Aren't as powerful anymore. They're getting less powerful every day. My PTSD symptoms are improving, and I never thought that would happen. I thought that even if we fused I'd still be tormented by my past experiences. And while that's still true to a certain extent, for the first time in my life the impact of my trauma is lessening. I had to accept that those things happened to me, and it was awful. But having accepted that and worked to heal from it, it's so much less painful than it was before going through that process. It's a hard process, and it feels endless at times, but it truly is possible to come out the other side in a way that I once thought was a myth.

4. did you ever run into the problem of not knowing if a feeling was coming from your ocd or an alter? cause I've been dealing with that a lot and idk how to tell the difference or how to proceed bc I'm scared of irreparably causing damage by doing it "wrong" if that makes any sense

This is a tricky one. While I have not had the problem of not knowing if a feeling was coming specifically from my OCD or an alter, I have definitely had the feeling of not knowing if something was coming from my psychosis or an alter, which is different but not entirely dissimilar. In those cases though the treatment for both for me is quite similar, so it's not necessarily a helpful example when it comes to this question. I would need a few more details to know what your concerns are here/why you're so worried about this? But even if the things you would do to help with OCD are very different from how you would try to help an alter, I highly doubt that you need to be quite so worried about doing it "wrong," and I think even if you do the chances of the damage being irreparable is so slim as to be almost nonexistent. If it's possible to recover from the kind of damage that causes DID (and it is) then it's possible to recover from some mistakes during treatment. In fact, it's pretty much inevitable that you and/or your therapist will make at least a few mistakes along the way, and learning that it's possible to do that and to repair those mistakes is honestly an important part of the process. So while I would need more specifics to understand what the exact concerns are here/how I might respond to them, I will say that in general I don't think you need to be so afraid of attempting to heal something one way, realizing it's not working, and then trying something different.

Thank you so so much for all of these amazing questions, I really enjoyed answering them and I hope my answers can give some insight to people wondering about fusion! I'm happy to receive more questions from anyone who wants to send them :)

[ticklish-touch]

Alright. I have a confession to make. I've been wanting to talk about this for a while, but it is another big reason that my Backrooms story is being delayed and why I'm less active.

(TW for w*e*e*d mention/subst*nce use, as well as N*S*F*W themes).

Last year, I started taking cannabis edibles for the first time in my life. They're legal in my state, and I was just... So at the end of my rope with trying to find something, anything, that would help my anxiety and help my brain shut off or wander off at night to take my thoughts away from the mental & emotional trauma I've been through in the last year. I took advice from a couple friends who take edibles, I still catalogue my reactions to it like a fucking scientist to try and be careful not to let myself go too wild.

CBD and THC hybrid gummies have been a lifesaver for me. I feel so much more relaxed after work. I can fall asleep so much faster. I feel so pleasantly lucid, and I can imagine so much more to my music.

I've also found that Sativa, especially when not combined with my CBD gummies, sends my imagination into overdrive like I wouldn't believe. And at first, I LOVED it!! I thought "oh holy shit I can use this energy to write more, faster!"

Until I realized that along with my ideas, it also amplified my ADHD. My thoughts and ideas bounce around off of each other SO MUCH that I need to scramble to get them written on Google Docs. I become beyond existential when lost in thw sauce. And not in a bad way! I have actually been able to work through a LOT of emotional and mental baggage that I've been carrying, simply by dumping my philosophical ramblings and self-pep-talks/ self-criticisms on Docs. And that's why, in spite of me not focusing as much on this big project, I feel like it's been important for me to get these thoughts out. They could be potential ideas for books, comics, short stories etc.

BUT needless to say, it is a reason that I can't stay focused on one chapter after another. I have four chapters left, and I keep bouncing back and forth between them. Because, spoiler, my last couple chapters are going to be as trippy as a drug trip. I'm gonna incorporate elements similar to Doctor Strange, Quantumania and Spiderverse.

But overall, I'm going to listen to my Muse, and strike while the iron's totally blitzed. 👍 I feel like, if I try to force myself to work on a chapter or drawing, I'll lose passion for it. It's not fizzling out, it's just on the backburner, collecting flavor and thoroughly cooking.

(N*S*F*W*): A slightly more... Embarrassing reason, is that, because I'm over-imaginative and horny on main, my libido also gets massively enhanced by edibles 50% of the time. So I end up dumping some of the naughtiest concepts I've ever had about my OCs or canon characters, or absolutely paralyzing myself with lee/switch moods by listening to songs, playing spooky games, watching videos with Ler vibes, that all activate my fear kink & tickle kink. And it's... A very good outlet. I may never share some of these writings, but it's helped me get over that last bit of shame I've carried with me ever since the first Tumblr purge and since the "ew kinky people r gross, tickling shouldn't be s3xual" uprising of SFW tickle blogs.

BUT ALL IN ALL, I do take CBD for legitimate anxiety reasons. My anxiety meds have not done shit since this January, when everything at work started going to hell. CBD relaxes my body and actually helps me fall asleep like nothing else ever has.

Meanwhile being on sativa and caffeine can keep me up til 6 in the morning. Like right now as I'm writing this. 😃 But again, it gets the huge dam of thoughts to break and flow freely.

So yeah. Weed has been better therapy for me than actual therapy. For thirty fucking years of my life, I have been desperate to find some kind of coping mechanism, or outlet, or medicine, to help my disorders. And these edibles, along with my antidepressant and creative mind, have worked together pretty damn nicely. And I can now say along with MANY of my friends and peers, fuck anyone who says that medical marijuana should not be legal. Hell, imo recreational weed should also be legal just about everywhere in certain doses, but I'm not gonna get into politics.

I understand if you don't personally approve of the use of recreational drugs. But please, if you're going to judge me, or anyone who uses weed to help calm their mental issues, kindly keep it to yourself. I don't want another situation where an abusive fuckhead tried to mock a friend of mine for smoking pot. Or a dude on a server I'm modding getting childishly preachy about how everyone who uses it will end up fucked in the head and that proper diet and exercise is the cure-all for mental issues.

I'm a grown adult, I know my limits. Sometimes I slip a little and take them 4 nights in a row. Other times I take them maybe twice a week. But I know myself well enough to know that when I set a boundary for myself, I'm fucking stubborn about not breaking it. IF I feel myself slipping, I will reach out for legit help. I also know I can't blow too much money on eddies each month. But I need yall to understand that I've needed this.

TL;DR: I've been taking cannabis edibles and it's helping redirect my mind into places that I didn't realize I needed to explore, and it's been very helpful to me physically and emotionally, so I'd rather go with the flow and not force myself to work on my projects.

So, either way, if you've read this, thank you so much for sticking around. ❤

[icharchivist]

Wait, of course

Avatar is made up of a thousand souls screaming in agony

Not unlike a Philosopher's Stone

And it is currently inside of Belial's body (providing him with increased healing)

So wouldn't it be funny if the mindless creature made with an endless thirst for destruction actually looked at what they were doing and turned to Belial and went "Aren't you tired of being batshit? Wouldn't it be kinda cool to chill?"

And Belial says "No, I need to do this for Cilius", so Avatar gives him 8 billion points lava damage (and then heals him again), because all of the souls currently stuck inside of it ended up there because of Lucilius, so they're obviously mad at him and also, Jesus Christ, dude, don't you realize how good you have it, having a body that's yours and such? Don't throw that away

Belial ends up stuck in group therapy

Which is worse, because he knew most of the primals that went into Avatar

But I like the idea that they're more mad at Lucilius than him, so they're trying to get him to see the light first and foremost

oh

OH

OHHHHHHHHHHHH????????????

ANON YOU'RE A GENIUS OH MY GOD

I was blind. I didn't consider just straight up Belial's situation with Avatar when talking about the Greed&Ling story. I was so thinking of Belial = sin = Greed that i didn't realize we can just swap Greed's and Ling's morality core and just keep the situation and it works. you're a genius.

Also there is something so funny about Belial, who spent his life keeping everyone at bay away from him, refusing to be vulnerable or opening up about his problems, taking in the world's most destructive power of all time, and instead he gets a thousands of buddy who all are forcing him through therapy. It's not like Belial can kill them!!! he's stuck with them!!!!

Though continuing on Avatar = Philosopher Stone idea, we know thanks to Hohenheim that it's possible for the souls to remember who they used to be, but it's the chaos not listening to them for centuries that made the souls coming from Father to be just chaotic beings with no connection to their past self anymore. For Avatar, with the thousand of years twisted into the Pandemonium, it will be more of a Greed situation yes-- but Belial can always have to face that he knew all of these souls personally, like Hoheinheim had to work through his own relationship with his souls.

Forcing Belial in a "either you get therapy from the souls, or you have to give therapy from the souls", without letting him know that it's not actually a choice and doing one will be doing the other too.

It is so perfect though. Please now i want that.

And i love love love Avatar "punishing" Belial for doing all of this for Lucilius because "hey what the fuck", both on their and on Belial's behalf.

it is so good. Thank you anon. you made me see the light. Now i want that for Belial, 100%.

[she-said-hello]

Genuine question, and please forgive me if I word this wrong, I’m so high. Emma says that your body + weight are sexy + beautiful (Everyone else agrees btw)

Would you be scared that you’d be less attractive if you lost weight? * Ik Emma (and everyone else) would still find you beautiful. but I also know sometimes it can be scary to change how you look when you’re complimented on it so much. I AM NOT SAYING YOU NEED TO DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT. I’m just high and thinking philosophically

to be completely honest, i find myself extremely unattractive because of my weight/body. i have been wanting to lose weight for many years now because i'm very unhappy with the way i look and feel in my body. i have always been the biggest of my friends and have NEVER gotten attention, romantic or sexual, before. i most definitely do NOT get "complimented on it so much", i have been criticized and shamed for my weight for many years, and emma is genuinely the first person who has ever shown interest in my body type. she's also the only person i've ever felt even slightly comfortable showing my full body to, and i've continued to get more comfortable as time goes on because i know she genuinely likes my body. however, i don't think she would stop liking me or find me unattractive if i were to lose weight. as for the rest of the world, i think i would be more attractive to others if i lost weight. i think i would personally feel more attractive too. but i'm in therapy for my ED/body image issues and am trying really hard to feel okay about myself as i am. emma has also really helped me with that as well. she does so much to make me feel sexy and i am so grateful for her and the way she talks to me about my body.

[ponderousorb]

Dexlab Multiverse talk

One thing that has been rattling around my head for years is the idea of all these different possible futures for the characters, since time tomfoolery happens pretty often in the show.

I don't think that Ego Trip would be the default future, especially given how society changed in the years following the show (god, that sounds so dry and boring lmao). But you get what I mean, there was a lot of stuff that happened since the early 2000s that no one could predict, not like Ego Trip exists in anything like our world now to begin with though. I just think Dexter being turned into a broken shell of a man is sad tbh and I don't like to think of it as the default because I am a delicate little flower, I suppose. I think it was just meant to be one of those Cool Alternate Future movies. With Dexter, I think he would probably only change drastically in a very specific environment where bad stuff happened to him, I don't know if he'd change all that much growing up 'normally'. Because he has that ASD thing of seeming very old for your age but also more innocent than his peers (possibly because he seems to have skipped grades), I'm applying my experiences growing up. You usually don't change that dichotomy growing up, I would imagine he still acts simultaneously like a grumpy old man and like an exciteable kid at times. Obviously his personality would evolve, and there's this weird thing of the transition from 'child genius' to just 'genius' is seen as a downgrade by most people. Based on my own brother, who always heavily identified with Dexter, he tends to tackle all problems in a similar way even if it's a square-peg-round-hole situation. He knows what he's good at and focuses on that and tunes out pretty much anything else. So unless there's an outside force at play really pushing Dexter in one direction, I see him being pretty single-minded about what goals he wants to pursue. For the other characters, I think we have a bit more wiggle room. Dee Dee does have hyperfocuses, clearly, but a few at once. I don't think she could become a ballerina professionally unless she stops growing immediately because you have to be really short to be one. She could be another type of dancer though, she could go on Broadway. She could be an artist, or a writer because she's talented at a lot of creative ventures. If she was a writer, I would have to imagine she writes fantasy books for kids, because that feels very Dee Dee. In my timeline that I did, I made her a child psychologist because she was always really empathetic (well, when the writing decided that she was lol) and philosophical. As well as some other stuff I'll explain in some other post, but I think Play Therapy would be a really good fit for her. Another factor that could change things is does she go on ADHD medication? How does she deal with college? Does she find it overwhelming or does she dive right in? Or both? I personally see her being friends with Bubbles and Goo from Foster's Home for Imaginary friends, because Mee Mee and Lee Lee remind me of those friends you had as a kid that were kind of mean to you, you know? I would always end up with 'friends' like that and I was too nice or too oblivious to do anything about it. Those friendships don't usually have too much staying power so it would be nice if she got to connect with people with similar interests! She could also become a scientist herself, something like Ecology could really be her thing. Some people HC that in the Ego Trip universe, the bad future was kickstarted by her dying young.

apparently this post is so long it needs to be split :o

[aridiculouslylongreceipt]

i've been reflecting on honor systems a lot for some research im doing and it has me reflecting on our relationships to people (places..things - nouns people). for me specifically, i find myself smoking with people even if i don't really vibe with them. it made me think - enough to make me conscious of free will for a moment - about how many times i say (at least to myself) that i value (or honor) weed more than what so-and-so did, thinks, or believes.

my brother came up to me a bit later and was talking to me about his friend group their current fallout drama. they decided they "needed a break" as a friend group because two of the four were (my brother included) a bit extra annoying this week. how were they so annoying, i hear you definitely asking yourself. they talked about a single topic too much.

but also like. i am no contact with my mother - most of my family honestly. what was my breaking point where i decided i was worth more than just putting up with it instead of changing something? at what point did it become a need? when did i decide i was finally worth at least the attempt to make things change?

what a blessing to be in an environment where you have so many options to spend your time doing. what a blessing to be able to pick between options. what a blessing for the butterfly effect to actually and truly be real.

maybe i've spent too much time playing Until Dawn and What Remains of Edith Finch while rewatching Bandersnatch (Netflixs best cash grab) as a 16 year old than the average person. howeverrrr i am correct. sources: so many but i am not here to talk science right now.

onward to more philosophical chatter

i certainly didn't decide to not smoke today, but how much of my "need" or "desire" to smoke is simply reflex? we know how neural pathways work now, we also know breaking a habit or pattern changes in difficulty based on so many factors like frequency, environment, the amount of senses used, and more than i care to look up right now.

after overthinking a bit and eating the worlds biggest bowl of rice, i also find myself wondering how these knee-jerk reactions are a part of our cultures, habits, preferences. our own strange, self made, pavlovs. i personally can't listen to Everyday by ASAP Rocky without thinking about 2022 and craving a drink. don't ask - its a whole thing.

with Christmas and Hanukah coming up so soon - what traditions do we keep up with regardless of our personal identity (a topic for another time) calls us to? what values or honor system are we upholding with others? with ourselves?

is this not what class solidarity is? everything that's happened with Luigi Mangione. people from the all over the political spectrum agreeing that insurance companies shouldn't be able to deny you care and coverage. most people joking online they wouldn't turn him in. AND it's a hot, educated, gay guy?? notice how no one blinked an eye? their value system tells us that they clearly care more about one thing than the other.

so anyways all this to say. on this shitty exposure-therapy-trauma-healing-praying-things-get-better journey we have reached new highs. hope u enjoyed my high rant i'm gonna go watch youtube now