#Life After Diagnose
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thelaurenshippen · 6 months ago
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the way that silver said "I will stand here with you an hour, a day, a year" to flint and "I will wait a day, a month, a year, forever" to madi....I'm sick to my stomach. who is doing unhinged devotion like this man
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pollen · 18 days ago
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in physical health news, my hip wiggled itself out of place yesterday morning while i had my feet in stirrups and i think just now i got it back into its socket. hello
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jennycalendar · 20 hours ago
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i try so hard to be fine about and done with the mom thing but getting a text from her where she essentially says she’ll never stop trying to reach out to me because i’m worth trying for is so god damn psychologically upsetting after learning firsthand that the minute i give in and let her win me over, she stops trying, and she starts telling me how horrible i am for not appreciating how much she’s changed just like i asked her to & how evil i am for always seeing the worst in her.
also the entire apology text was for some reason about how she’s sorry for not listening to me???? woman that is not the problem. i mean yes that is the problem but the fact that there was NO mention of “put us on the highway during a tornado warning because she was desperate to get home and set the house up all cute for a visiting friend, refused to listen to me when i started panicking, and then when we finally got her to shelter in a target, said “i’ve gotten used to being by myself in the two years you weren’t talking to me; i would have taken this risk by myself, but forgot i have to account for you” ?????
like lol i do try to be fine!!!! about my mother saying in a moment where i was convinced i was going to die that my life just isn’t something she accounts for!!! about my mother prioritizing my life and feelings lower than setting up the guest room! but the fact that her apology text doesn’t even mention either of those things as something that could have possibly upset me makes me so fucking crazy. she’s talking about how she’ll never stop trying with me after having me in the car next to her and treating my terror like a very annoying thing keeping her from hanging out with her friends
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generalsmemories · 8 months ago
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ya'll please i haven't even finished the 1k requests and we're already nearing 2k.
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demidevildonnie · 26 days ago
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the trembling fear
is more than i can take
when im up against
the echo in the mirror
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straycalamities · 1 month ago
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back to self-analyzing what the fucks going on in my brainium
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purpurussy · 3 months ago
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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highspeedinterconnect · 3 months ago
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this week has been fucking awful I just wanna lay down somewhere quiet w my gf and cats. holy shit
#1. my painful wisdom tooth was found to have gnarly intricate hook that’s already grown into my sinus cavity.#so. removal and recovery and cost are going to make me explode already#2. my cat the next day was diagnosed with an aggressive type of cancer after we found a mass under her tongue that can’t be removed.#and is not realistic in cost vs the fact it’ll probably keep returning since it’s an area that’s difficult to fully remove.#she’s having a harder time eating and it’s just reminding me of the same thing that happened to my extremely beloved childhood cat.#same thing happened to her until she was just bones and couldn’t stop drooling. it’s so painful to feel the life leaving something you love#3. our motherfucking upstairs neighbor’s god damn water heater broke and flooded all the apts under but we’re directly underneath.#bro I woke up to water pouring from our CEILING LIGHTS and cracks all over the ceiling. I had to physically smash the smoke alarm#ripped it from the ceiling since it’s ceiling socket was LEAKING but it shorted out and wouldn’t stop so I ripped the battery out#our carpet and shit is all torn up now with industrial fans and dehumidifiers. but it’s scaring my sick cat to not eating. it’s so sad#4. a towing place I forfeited my old ruined car to keeps sending notarized legal letters about it ending up In Situations.#despite the fact I signed it all completely over and it’s no longer my responsibility#there’s more but I’m tired of typing all this shit#coffee shop forgot to give me my donut and the coffee tasted bad too. that part isn’t any big deal at all lol it just made me start crying
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nico-di-genova · 6 months ago
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Sorry to be annoying gang, I promise I’ll write some stuff soon. Currently I am crying in the bath.
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neurospicyyy · 1 year ago
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Yes, I threw fits when I was a kid.
No, I wasn’t in control.
No, you shouldn’t judge me for it.
Yes, I am aware you think I had the choice.
But surely you understand I didn’t really have one?
Surly you understand I was struggling?
That I’m still struggling?
That I always will be?
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lethesbeastie · 5 months ago
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I miss being able to do more than 3 things in a day.
There's something wrong with my body, with my brain. Something I haven't put a name to yet, though I've got hypothesis of what it might be. Something is plaguing my body, weighing down my limbs, my heart, my head.
Do you ever feel as if you live your life wading through water? Like you've been drowning for years, chained by your ankles to am impossible weight, struggling inch by inch across the open ocean floor?
Probably not.
I'm starting to realize the way I live is far from mundane, farther still from humane. I struggle to eat. Struggle to shower. To stop. To rest. Like a shark underwater, I swear on God it feels if I stop moving, I will drown.
I can't stop moving, can't sit still, can't escape the static that starts to stutter up my spine the moment i try. It hurts to sit more than it hurts to move, more than it hurts to grind my own joints into dust, chasing the slender phantom of nervous system regulation.
Stimming, I'd said. That's what the pacing is, that's why I have to stay on my feet from the moment I leave my bed, that's why I can't ever, ever sit still.
I'm not so sure about it now.
It hurts to sit still. Hurts to move. Hurts to think and think and think, to have ideas, to want to Make, but to be denied release by the exhaustion that plagues my body.
I'm tired. So tired. I am tired of feeling tired, of feeling both everything and nothing at all. Nervous system circuits short circuiting inside me, I'm impatient with my own exhaustion, desperate to do anything except to search for rest. No one has ever taught me how to rest.
There is something wrong with my body. Something I'm trying to name (something that the doctors will claim is nothing at all), something haunting me, parasitic in its nature, in its pupputeering of my aching, shaking hands.
I want it to get better. Want to stop feeling half dead and less than alive when I rise to greet a day that's almost over. Want to stop seeing the disappointment in my mother's eyes when once again, I cannot gather myself into some semblance of humanity long enough to do the god damned dishes.
I'm trying to fix this mom, I promise. Thank you for doing the dishes for me. I'm sorry I can't get better fast enough. Yeah, I'm tired of my bullshit too.
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ziggysgender · 9 months ago
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❤️🏳️‍⚧️ happy Valentine's day to my first dose of Testosterone 🏳️‍⚧️❤️
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self love wins<3
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ladyshadowqueen · 7 months ago
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having a health issue that is affected by medical misogyny sucks because not only is there not enough research but absolutely every single doctor i talk to has a different opinion and absolutely none of them help me in any way
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macroglossus · 10 months ago
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being evaluated for adhd by having one of those full psych evals that last like two hours. scared frightened etc.... last time i took it i lied extensively bc i was 13 and thought they might tell my mommy if i said i had suicidal thoughts. and i still have a habit of lying to therapists bc i'm embarrassed......... AGH idk. what if i take it and they tell me that the reason im Like This is bc im genuinely just weird and shitty and not bc im mentally ill at all. SCARED
#which is dumb bc i have been formally diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses i dont think they can just take it back right?????#this is so stupid and cliche but what if i have been faking it........ all along........ Argh.#when i was in res i was put on adderall (bc the house psych just kind of experimented w meds LMFAO) and i had to go off them after like#two weeks bc it was affecting my appetite in a way i couldnt afford at the time lmao. but i do genuinely feel like it helped during that#time.... which is why i want to go on it again!!!! but im scared theyll just be like nah and i wont be able to take any of my meds anymore#is that crazy. am i being crazy rn. idk i truly do think most of my experiences w school and like. life could be explained by adhd and#when i was a kid they thought i had it but the two meds they tried didnt work for me so they just. kind of gave up#and i was really extremely unable to do school and graduated hs w an insanely low gpa and then dropped out of community college. LMAO. not#that people w adhd cant be good in school i just couldnt make myself do homework and couldnt listen in class bc i was too busy focusing on#listening. if that makes sense#IDK. idk. i know it's become like. a trend to have adhd is the issue and everything is being attributed to having it so im worried that ive#like. accidentally fallen in w that? even though ive thought i had it for forever and everyone has been like girl do you have this. IDK!!!!#idk. idkkkk im just like. genuinely scared. it's not the end of the world if im not diagnosed obviously but that means that#im just like this for no reason at all. and there's no way of helping it bc it's just the way i am. and i actually am just shitty n lazy.#epic. which incidentally is the proper name for how fucking long these tags are my bad. if you read this far sorry for being insane 👍
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tittyinfinity · 5 months ago
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I love how I get like one week every month where I'm normal. Two if I'm lucky
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storm-of-feathers · 8 months ago
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idk how to say this without sounding like " mentally ill ppl cant be in public >:((" but. i think ppl with bpd probably shouldnt have huge platforms. i dont think that can ever be handled in a healthy way by them.
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