#Life After Diagnose
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the way that silver said "I will stand here with you an hour, a day, a year" to flint and "I will wait a day, a month, a year, forever" to madi....I'm sick to my stomach. who is doing unhinged devotion like this man
#I have no doubt this exact post was made ten years ago or whenever the finale aired#but I'M NEW HERE#black sails#black sails spoilers#lauren feels things#the way that silver is just like...'oh there's a strong willed person who wants to change the entire world with their strong will?'#guess they're my life now!#the way that flint and madi are sooooooo similar#except that silver diagnoses flint perfectly! he mostly just wants to burn the world!#whereas madi actually has true strength of conviction and ideals#and silver#who has been living with james 'my way or the highway but also if you outsmart me I might grudgingly respect you#but my whims are going to be IMPOSSIBLE to understand or track' flint#sees madi and is like 'yeah she'll be mad for a little while but we'll move past it'#and maybe they do! but he soooo miscalculates I love it#also the way that he looks at madi when she is looking at flint after they're all safe#is........so insane#loves her knows she loves him#is obsessed with flint#and yet the fact that madi respects and trusts flint#and that they share so much naturally in their thinking that silver has hard won#drives him craazyyyyyy#ANYWAY I'M UNWELL CAN YOU TELL
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Can’t stop thinking about the other night when I was having dinner with my boyfriends family and mentioned that I very much suspect that I am autistic and his brother looked at me and asked “Do you understand hypothetical questions? Like if I asked if it would be better to live on the moon more underwater are you actually thinking of an answer?” ANS WHAT DOES THAT MEAN HOW AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO THINK OF AN ANSWER
#the elf talks#I’ve thought I’m autistic since literal childhood by the way this didn’t some new self diagnosing thing#after everything I had to go through to get tested for adhd after telling everyone i probably had it for nearly twenty years I don’t care to#jump through more hoops at this point in my life
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in physical health news, my hip wiggled itself out of place yesterday morning while i had my feet in stirrups and i think just now i got it back into its socket. hello
#tomorrow i have an appointment to talk about ehlers-danlos syndrome#i swear if i correctly diagnose myself after all these doctors couldn't figure it out -_-#so frustrating being chronically ill but looking 'healthy.' i told my np years ago that my rib pops in and out of place when i sit or lie#in certain positions and she was like 'oh that's normal' so i just never got sent to a specialist#but my therapist told me yesterday it's very much not normal. i just kinda lived my whole life thinking everyone's joints do this#and they dont? maybe i should've been taken more seriously? im realizing just how deeply i've gaslit myself and how unfair my care has been#maybe there actually is something i could be diagnosed with. everyone please cross your fingers please please
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i try so hard to be fine about and done with the mom thing but getting a text from her where she essentially says she’ll never stop trying to reach out to me because i’m worth trying for is so god damn psychologically upsetting after learning firsthand that the minute i give in and let her win me over, she stops trying, and she starts telling me how horrible i am for not appreciating how much she’s changed just like i asked her to & how evil i am for always seeing the worst in her.
also the entire apology text was for some reason about how she’s sorry for not listening to me???? woman that is not the problem. i mean yes that is the problem but the fact that there was NO mention of “put us on the highway during a tornado warning because she was desperate to get home and set the house up all cute for a visiting friend, refused to listen to me when i started panicking, and then when we finally got her to shelter in a target, said “i’ve gotten used to being by myself in the two years you weren’t talking to me; i would have taken this risk by myself, but forgot i have to account for you” ?????
like lol i do try to be fine!!!! about my mother saying in a moment where i was convinced i was going to die that my life just isn’t something she accounts for!!! about my mother prioritizing my life and feelings lower than setting up the guest room! but the fact that her apology text doesn’t even mention either of those things as something that could have possibly upset me makes me so fucking crazy. she’s talking about how she’ll never stop trying with me after having me in the car next to her and treating my terror like a very annoying thing keeping her from hanging out with her friends
#venting tag#shoutout to that one time in high school#lol no actually multiple times#where she would regularly tell me how hard it was on her to worry about my diagnosed anxiety#and how i was such a horrible person for not like. making more of an effort to take care of her#when she had such awful stressors in her life.#like me.#anyway this is a lot of a post after none of a post about this#but that text maybe pushed me towards my limit#and dreaming about her does not help#vital that we all know the friend didn’t even make it that day#bc their plane was grounded#Because The Weather Was That Bad#you truly cannot write this shit
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ya'll please i haven't even finished the 1k requests and we're already nearing 2k.
#narus' corner#life update in the tags that no one asked for because if ya'll know me i say stuff here more than on the actual post for some reason.#im burned out from life - and it's directly affecting the speed i can churn out stuff even with my eepy jing yuan being there in front of m#T__T at least he's being eepy at E4#work environment has very much to say to that i've been overworked already LMFAOOO#anyway it gonna be a bit to bounce back but with that said#ion think imma do any event for 2k even though IM HUGELY GRATEFUL TO YA'LL#WE'VE ALMOST GATHERED 2K JING YUAN BELIEVERS. IM SORRY THIS SILLY PERSON CAN'T DO MUCH MORE FOR U IN HER CURRENT STATE#but i shall prosper and get over this bump in life like i actually do.#after i get myself diagnosed by a professional-#so yeah. if i update within the next few months please be surprised cause i would be very surprised myself.
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the trembling fear
is more than i can take
when im up against
the echo in the mirror
#my art#vocaloid#gumi megpoid#crusher p#they didnt link this in the vid description for some reason but#theres a video where crusher goes into some detaik about why they wrote the song#and they mention that later in life they were diagnosed with DID#and i was like ohhhhh#that completely recontextualizes the song#most people associate it with BPD or a mood disorder which does make sense#im assuming the song was meant to be related to different experiences#but its just interesting to learn that years after#anyways i linked the vid here cuz u can only find it on the vite website they collabed with which is strange but w/e
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back to self-analyzing what the fucks going on in my brainium
#txt#i need to go back to a therapist methinks#cuz why am i only now reading about OSDD-1a#bc errrmmmmmmm.........................#i know C-PTSD is very comorbid with dissociative disorders#but like given things ive experienced and struggled with its always felt like there's something More going on idk#idk it's like...i can see OSDD CPTSD or even...BPD i guess#but its just like i dont feel like ONE of those fits me its like i relate to a bit of all three#mostly so CPTSD but thats bc DUH I HAVE CPTSD#my lifes been trauma after trauma there's definitely not simply ONE traumatic event that's defined me#also wondering in another area if it's just adhd autism overlap#or maybe i AM autistic afterall just VERY VERY good at masking it or compensating for it#or if i have the same subcategory of Bipolar a former friend had that commonly gets misdiagnosed as the former two#which is likely bc all my blood relatives have gotten diagnosed with a form of bipolar and im not joking#idk man i just wish i knew wtf is wrong with me and how to like...do something about it but like actually#and not just focus on the depression or anxiety because that's CLEARLY NOT HELPING#yes im depressed and severely anxious but dont u think they might have a ROOT CAUSE#i'm definitely convinced and have been for years that they stem from something else#deeper and more of an issue than anyone trying to study wtfs wrong w me has figured out including me
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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this week has been fucking awful I just wanna lay down somewhere quiet w my gf and cats. holy shit
#1. my painful wisdom tooth was found to have gnarly intricate hook that’s already grown into my sinus cavity.#so. removal and recovery and cost are going to make me explode already#2. my cat the next day was diagnosed with an aggressive type of cancer after we found a mass under her tongue that can’t be removed.#and is not realistic in cost vs the fact it’ll probably keep returning since it’s an area that’s difficult to fully remove.#she’s having a harder time eating and it’s just reminding me of the same thing that happened to my extremely beloved childhood cat.#same thing happened to her until she was just bones and couldn’t stop drooling. it’s so painful to feel the life leaving something you love#3. our motherfucking upstairs neighbor’s god damn water heater broke and flooded all the apts under but we’re directly underneath.#bro I woke up to water pouring from our CEILING LIGHTS and cracks all over the ceiling. I had to physically smash the smoke alarm#ripped it from the ceiling since it’s ceiling socket was LEAKING but it shorted out and wouldn’t stop so I ripped the battery out#our carpet and shit is all torn up now with industrial fans and dehumidifiers. but it’s scaring my sick cat to not eating. it’s so sad#4. a towing place I forfeited my old ruined car to keeps sending notarized legal letters about it ending up In Situations.#despite the fact I signed it all completely over and it’s no longer my responsibility#there’s more but I’m tired of typing all this shit#coffee shop forgot to give me my donut and the coffee tasted bad too. that part isn’t any big deal at all lol it just made me start crying
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Sorry to be annoying gang, I promise I’ll write some stuff soon. Currently I am crying in the bath.
#I hate cars actually#fuck cars#never been interested in them in my life#the way in which I have diagnosed driving anxiety and this just validated all of my fears#after all the fucking progress I’ve made#and the fact that I was starting to feel comfortable in them#and now I actually never want to drive again
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Yes, I threw fits when I was a kid.
No, I wasn’t in control.
No, you shouldn’t judge me for it.
Yes, I am aware you think I had the choice.
But surely you understand I didn’t really have one?
Surly you understand I was struggling?
That I’m still struggling?
That I always will be?
#neurodivergent#adhd#actually adhd#ocd#childhood memories#sorta vent in tags vv#I’m still dealing with the social consequences of that time period. People’s attitude towards me after those years#really damaged my mental health. Sometimes I think I’m not enough.#That my problems aren’t enough to say I was struggling. Then I look back… and yeah I can tell I was struggling#Idk wtf was going on because my adhd and ocd probably didn’t cause that. But I don’t show enough signs of autism to even#consider being diagnosed. Sometimes I wonder if I actually was in control. There was no trauma. No serious issues. Nothing.#Because I was running around like a maniac whenever I got upset. It stopped only after 3rd grade. With the help of a good teacher.#my so called “meltdowns” are probably internal now. I kinda s3lf h@rm and stuff when I don’t get my way now. When I’m seething in self#loathing because of something I did. You know. Normal behavior.#My life is a freaking mess. And it’s nobody’s fault. Except maybe my own? I don’t know. I always forget about that time period. Probably ca#se the teachers gave me a lot of bad memories during it. It wasn’t because of the teachers… but they certainly weren’t helping.#neurospicy#neurosparkly#actually ocd#neurodivergence#neurodiversity#I tell myself i didn’t have the choice though. I was young…#sorry for the vent
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I miss being able to do more than 3 things in a day.
There's something wrong with my body, with my brain. Something I haven't put a name to yet, though I've got hypothesis of what it might be. Something is plaguing my body, weighing down my limbs, my heart, my head.
Do you ever feel as if you live your life wading through water? Like you've been drowning for years, chained by your ankles to am impossible weight, struggling inch by inch across the open ocean floor?
Probably not.
I'm starting to realize the way I live is far from mundane, farther still from humane. I struggle to eat. Struggle to shower. To stop. To rest. Like a shark underwater, I swear on God it feels if I stop moving, I will drown.
I can't stop moving, can't sit still, can't escape the static that starts to stutter up my spine the moment i try. It hurts to sit more than it hurts to move, more than it hurts to grind my own joints into dust, chasing the slender phantom of nervous system regulation.
Stimming, I'd said. That's what the pacing is, that's why I have to stay on my feet from the moment I leave my bed, that's why I can't ever, ever sit still.
I'm not so sure about it now.
It hurts to sit still. Hurts to move. Hurts to think and think and think, to have ideas, to want to Make, but to be denied release by the exhaustion that plagues my body.
I'm tired. So tired. I am tired of feeling tired, of feeling both everything and nothing at all. Nervous system circuits short circuiting inside me, I'm impatient with my own exhaustion, desperate to do anything except to search for rest. No one has ever taught me how to rest.
There is something wrong with my body. Something I'm trying to name (something that the doctors will claim is nothing at all), something haunting me, parasitic in its nature, in its pupputeering of my aching, shaking hands.
I want it to get better. Want to stop feeling half dead and less than alive when I rise to greet a day that's almost over. Want to stop seeing the disappointment in my mother's eyes when once again, I cannot gather myself into some semblance of humanity long enough to do the god damned dishes.
I'm trying to fix this mom, I promise. Thank you for doing the dishes for me. I'm sorry I can't get better fast enough. Yeah, I'm tired of my bullshit too.
#beastiebites#The Beast Speaks#woke up this morning in immense pain and couldn't sleep at all last night#took meds and passed out and felt better#but seems the dopamine low has struck again#so heres a poem about realizing youve got another nameless chronic illness that youll have to fight the doctors to diagnose#learning that apparently me almost passing out everytime i stand up after squatting down is probably a bad sign#last time i brought it up to a doctor they said i had insuline resistance (i didnt) and basically caused what im starting to recognize#as an eating disorder#so adding that to the list right next to EDS of things i need to start accomodating to try and give myself a better quality of life#sorry for being less than cheerful on main but like#i want to be open? about the things that happen to me?#cause theres a chance that someone else will connect with what im saying. theres a chance itll make them feel less alone#so heres to us. chronic pain havers. the people who get dizzy when they try to stand. the people who cant sit still becaude it hurts.#i see you. i know what its like. youre not alone.#youre not alone. i promise youre not alone.#poetry#artists on tumblr#writers on tumblr#poets on tumblr
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❤️🏳️⚧️ happy Valentine's day to my first dose of Testosterone 🏳️⚧️❤️
self love wins<3
#this is genuinely the best day of my entire life. starting T after so many years of just dreaming about it#a childhood worth of watching transitioning videos on youtube is paying off. this is the beginning of my medical transition. i want to cry#and getting a new car after i totaled my old one. my first ever car. i have this one under my own name and my own legal power#instead of my parents holding my finances over my head#on top of that im finally starting my new job this friday.... ive been trying to get in for 3 years and im finally starting#very weird to even have made it to this point in life. a lot of heavily suicidal years full of dysphoria and trauma. hit after hit#but once i turned 18 and gained medical autonomy. man. i got diagnosed with stuff i didnt even know existed#anyways I'll shut up now but YAYYYY YAY YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYY!!!!!!#trans#transgenderism#gender
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having a health issue that is affected by medical misogyny sucks because not only is there not enough research but absolutely every single doctor i talk to has a different opinion and absolutely none of them help me in any way
#to be fair at least half of them have been nice and sympathetic#but i don’t want sympathy i want to have an actual decent quality of life#i just have no idea what to even think tbh#one doctor says na you don’t have PCOS the next says yeah you probs do the one after that says idk bestie#i want to screammmmm#anyway i asked to be referred to a gynaecologist maybe they will know what they are talking about but likely not#:)#btw if you have been diagnosed with either PCOS/PMS/PMDD pls send me an ask with advice or anything#i’m in the pits
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being evaluated for adhd by having one of those full psych evals that last like two hours. scared frightened etc.... last time i took it i lied extensively bc i was 13 and thought they might tell my mommy if i said i had suicidal thoughts. and i still have a habit of lying to therapists bc i'm embarrassed......... AGH idk. what if i take it and they tell me that the reason im Like This is bc im genuinely just weird and shitty and not bc im mentally ill at all. SCARED
#which is dumb bc i have been formally diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses i dont think they can just take it back right?????#this is so stupid and cliche but what if i have been faking it........ all along........ Argh.#when i was in res i was put on adderall (bc the house psych just kind of experimented w meds LMFAO) and i had to go off them after like#two weeks bc it was affecting my appetite in a way i couldnt afford at the time lmao. but i do genuinely feel like it helped during that#time.... which is why i want to go on it again!!!! but im scared theyll just be like nah and i wont be able to take any of my meds anymore#is that crazy. am i being crazy rn. idk i truly do think most of my experiences w school and like. life could be explained by adhd and#when i was a kid they thought i had it but the two meds they tried didnt work for me so they just. kind of gave up#and i was really extremely unable to do school and graduated hs w an insanely low gpa and then dropped out of community college. LMAO. not#that people w adhd cant be good in school i just couldnt make myself do homework and couldnt listen in class bc i was too busy focusing on#listening. if that makes sense#IDK. idk. i know it's become like. a trend to have adhd is the issue and everything is being attributed to having it so im worried that ive#like. accidentally fallen in w that? even though ive thought i had it for forever and everyone has been like girl do you have this. IDK!!!!#idk. idkkkk im just like. genuinely scared. it's not the end of the world if im not diagnosed obviously but that means that#im just like this for no reason at all. and there's no way of helping it bc it's just the way i am. and i actually am just shitty n lazy.#epic. which incidentally is the proper name for how fucking long these tags are my bad. if you read this far sorry for being insane 👍
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I love how I get like one week every month where I'm normal. Two if I'm lucky
#as normal as i can get w everything i got going on i mean#im getting this birth control removed tomorrow so hopefully that helps me stay normal longer#i know for a fact my hormones are causing my intense depression lately#because after my period is over i feel fine for a bit like im happy about my life and i can do things more easily#and then closer to my period i start hating myself & my intrusive throughts get worse#and I'll feel depressed for days on end#i used to be incorrectly diagnosed w bipolar 1 because of these symptoms#but back when this birth control worked the first time and my periods went away those cycles stopped#just feels weird suddenly snapping out of depression just bc im done bleeding#.bdo
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