#Life After Diagnose
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the way that silver said "I will stand here with you an hour, a day, a year" to flint and "I will wait a day, a month, a year, forever" to madi....I'm sick to my stomach. who is doing unhinged devotion like this man
#I have no doubt this exact post was made ten years ago or whenever the finale aired#but I'M NEW HERE#black sails#black sails spoilers#lauren feels things#the way that silver is just like...'oh there's a strong willed person who wants to change the entire world with their strong will?'#guess they're my life now!#the way that flint and madi are sooooooo similar#except that silver diagnoses flint perfectly! he mostly just wants to burn the world!#whereas madi actually has true strength of conviction and ideals#and silver#who has been living with james 'my way or the highway but also if you outsmart me I might grudgingly respect you#but my whims are going to be IMPOSSIBLE to understand or track' flint#sees madi and is like 'yeah she'll be mad for a little while but we'll move past it'#and maybe they do! but he soooo miscalculates I love it#also the way that he looks at madi when she is looking at flint after they're all safe#is........so insane#loves her knows she loves him#is obsessed with flint#and yet the fact that madi respects and trusts flint#and that they share so much naturally in their thinking that silver has hard won#drives him craazyyyyyy#ANYWAY I'M UNWELL CAN YOU TELL
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Getting super ill to the point that I can't write fic just after I regained the ability to do prose again wasn't on my 2025 bingo card, and yet
#Just had my doc dismiss the hell out of me too so RIP#They're pursuing SOME diagnostic paths#But not the ones I'm pretty sure I need#I even have a diagnosed condition that may be causing it!!!#But nope!#After I suggested I thought of that as an option too#Guess what they stopped pursuing#I am. So tired#This is all I've got man#My body barely functions as is#Anyway#HAOHB is completely written so it will be finished#But that might be it from me#I can't focus idk if this even makes sense#Cool cool cool#I keep hoping it'll magically just be the worst flu of my life and I'll get better#Yadda yadda
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adhd advice will be like people with adhd struggle to get their thoughts organised. also to get diagnosed you need to get your thoughts on why you have adhd organised in advance in order to convince the doctor you have it
#sorry for the vent incoming but#both my sister (who is diagnosed with adhd and autism) and my mother have been saying they think i might be adhd for like a year now#and like thatd be cool bc adhd can be medicated right? so maybe i can get help with my disaster life after all#except the problem is every time i think about the task of calling the doctor i get overwhelmed and cant#unfortunately asking my family for a list of why they think i'm adhd is not helpful bc theyre always like#“idk just whenever we talk about [sister]'s adhd i think how it sounds like we're describing you” & then none of them can give me an exampl#all ive come up with myself if when i was a kid i remember i was either quiet or so chatty that i forget the other person needs to speak#or like i'd try to join in a conversation and many times people would say like 'thats not really related to what we're talking about'#i no longer and super chatty bc i learned fo shut the fuck up pretty quick or you get made fun of but yeah.#i also forget things but i'm also very good at writing them down bc i know i'll forget and make people annoyed if i dont#so like idk if that counts like i feel like in my life ive been forced to learn how to cope and fit in so its like#is it adhd and i'm masking or is it not#like this is always the problem when i seek professional help they find out i can do hard stuff and they say you seem like you're okay#but like. hard stuff i can do is still hard. is everything supposed to feel this hard then? i hope not#vent#anyway other points are my thoughts keep me awake at night (its like loud jumbled thoughts of tv quotes and music and conversations ive had#and also obviously i struggle to make appointments. and i get distracted when i'm doing something boring even if i remove distractions#from my sight bc if i have no distractions i just start daydreaming. is this anything#this post itself is distracting me from work#i also connot make connections with 99% of people i meet socialising is so hard for me#maybe i should just send this tumblr vent to my doctor and see if it gets me a referral would that work
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Can’t stop thinking about the other night when I was having dinner with my boyfriends family and mentioned that I very much suspect that I am autistic and his brother looked at me and asked “Do you understand hypothetical questions? Like if I asked if it would be better to live on the moon more underwater are you actually thinking of an answer?” ANS WHAT DOES THAT MEAN HOW AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO THINK OF AN ANSWER
#the elf talks#I’ve thought I’m autistic since literal childhood by the way this didn’t some new self diagnosing thing#after everything I had to go through to get tested for adhd after telling everyone i probably had it for nearly twenty years I don’t care to#jump through more hoops at this point in my life
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ah. i just have ocd. it does describe every single thing i feel. god i have been living like this for so long. i. dont know what to do about that now.
#okay sorry im putting my thoughts in order sorry for all of that#read a quick article on moral ocd and boom thats it.#it feels cathartic to have an ''explanation'' but also i feel so lost. have i been living like this all this time?#and what am i even supposed to do. im in no place to get diagnosed or treatment or medication#how do you cope with something you just found out about#how do i get my life in order after all this. i have been living in shame for so long#maybe i need to change how i act#now that i know theres an actual cycle im stuck in and should be moving out of#however do i do that
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i try so hard to be fine about and done with the mom thing but getting a text from her where she essentially says she’ll never stop trying to reach out to me because i’m worth trying for is so god damn psychologically upsetting after learning firsthand that the minute i give in and let her win me over, she stops trying, and she starts telling me how horrible i am for not appreciating how much she’s changed just like i asked her to & how evil i am for always seeing the worst in her.
also the entire apology text was for some reason about how she’s sorry for not listening to me???? woman that is not the problem. i mean yes that is the problem but the fact that there was NO mention of “put us on the highway during a tornado warning because she was desperate to get home and set the house up all cute for a visiting friend, refused to listen to me when i started panicking, and then when we finally got her to shelter in a target, said “i’ve gotten used to being by myself in the two years you weren’t talking to me; i would have taken this risk by myself, but forgot i have to account for you” ?????
like lol i do try to be fine!!!! about my mother saying in a moment where i was convinced i was going to die that my life just isn’t something she accounts for!!! about my mother prioritizing my life and feelings lower than setting up the guest room! but the fact that her apology text doesn’t even mention either of those things as something that could have possibly upset me makes me so fucking crazy. she’s talking about how she’ll never stop trying with me after having me in the car next to her and treating my terror like a very annoying thing keeping her from hanging out with her friends
#venting tag#shoutout to that one time in high school#lol no actually multiple times#where she would regularly tell me how hard it was on her to worry about my diagnosed anxiety#and how i was such a horrible person for not like. making more of an effort to take care of her#when she had such awful stressors in her life.#like me.#anyway this is a lot of a post after none of a post about this#but that text maybe pushed me towards my limit#and dreaming about her does not help#vital that we all know the friend didn’t even make it that day#bc their plane was grounded#Because The Weather Was That Bad#you truly cannot write this shit
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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ya'll please i haven't even finished the 1k requests and we're already nearing 2k.
#narus' corner#life update in the tags that no one asked for because if ya'll know me i say stuff here more than on the actual post for some reason.#im burned out from life - and it's directly affecting the speed i can churn out stuff even with my eepy jing yuan being there in front of m#T__T at least he's being eepy at E4#work environment has very much to say to that i've been overworked already LMFAOOO#anyway it gonna be a bit to bounce back but with that said#ion think imma do any event for 2k even though IM HUGELY GRATEFUL TO YA'LL#WE'VE ALMOST GATHERED 2K JING YUAN BELIEVERS. IM SORRY THIS SILLY PERSON CAN'T DO MUCH MORE FOR U IN HER CURRENT STATE#but i shall prosper and get over this bump in life like i actually do.#after i get myself diagnosed by a professional-#so yeah. if i update within the next few months please be surprised cause i would be very surprised myself.
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the trembling fear
is more than i can take
when im up against
the echo in the mirror
#my art#vocaloid#gumi megpoid#crusher p#they didnt link this in the vid description for some reason but#theres a video where crusher goes into some detaik about why they wrote the song#and they mention that later in life they were diagnosed with DID#and i was like ohhhhh#that completely recontextualizes the song#most people associate it with BPD or a mood disorder which does make sense#im assuming the song was meant to be related to different experiences#but its just interesting to learn that years after#anyways i linked the vid here cuz u can only find it on the vite website they collabed with which is strange but w/e
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back to self-analyzing what the fucks going on in my brainium
#txt#i need to go back to a therapist methinks#cuz why am i only now reading about OSDD-1a#bc errrmmmmmmm.........................#i know C-PTSD is very comorbid with dissociative disorders#but like given things ive experienced and struggled with its always felt like there's something More going on idk#idk it's like...i can see OSDD CPTSD or even...BPD i guess#but its just like i dont feel like ONE of those fits me its like i relate to a bit of all three#mostly so CPTSD but thats bc DUH I HAVE CPTSD#my lifes been trauma after trauma there's definitely not simply ONE traumatic event that's defined me#also wondering in another area if it's just adhd autism overlap#or maybe i AM autistic afterall just VERY VERY good at masking it or compensating for it#or if i have the same subcategory of Bipolar a former friend had that commonly gets misdiagnosed as the former two#which is likely bc all my blood relatives have gotten diagnosed with a form of bipolar and im not joking#idk man i just wish i knew wtf is wrong with me and how to like...do something about it but like actually#and not just focus on the depression or anxiety because that's CLEARLY NOT HELPING#yes im depressed and severely anxious but dont u think they might have a ROOT CAUSE#i'm definitely convinced and have been for years that they stem from something else#deeper and more of an issue than anyone trying to study wtfs wrong w me has figured out including me
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this week has been fucking awful I just wanna lay down somewhere quiet w my gf and cats. holy shit
#1. my painful wisdom tooth was found to have gnarly intricate hook that’s already grown into my sinus cavity.#so. removal and recovery and cost are going to make me explode already#2. my cat the next day was diagnosed with an aggressive type of cancer after we found a mass under her tongue that can’t be removed.#and is not realistic in cost vs the fact it’ll probably keep returning since it’s an area that’s difficult to fully remove.#she’s having a harder time eating and it’s just reminding me of the same thing that happened to my extremely beloved childhood cat.#same thing happened to her until she was just bones and couldn’t stop drooling. it’s so painful to feel the life leaving something you love#3. our motherfucking upstairs neighbor’s god damn water heater broke and flooded all the apts under but we’re directly underneath.#bro I woke up to water pouring from our CEILING LIGHTS and cracks all over the ceiling. I had to physically smash the smoke alarm#ripped it from the ceiling since it’s ceiling socket was LEAKING but it shorted out and wouldn’t stop so I ripped the battery out#our carpet and shit is all torn up now with industrial fans and dehumidifiers. but it’s scaring my sick cat to not eating. it’s so sad#4. a towing place I forfeited my old ruined car to keeps sending notarized legal letters about it ending up In Situations.#despite the fact I signed it all completely over and it’s no longer my responsibility#there’s more but I’m tired of typing all this shit#coffee shop forgot to give me my donut and the coffee tasted bad too. that part isn’t any big deal at all lol it just made me start crying
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Yes, I threw fits when I was a kid.
No, I wasn’t in control.
No, you shouldn’t judge me for it.
Yes, I am aware you think I had the choice.
But surely you understand I didn’t really have one?
Surly you understand I was struggling?
That I’m still struggling?
That I always will be?
#neurodivergent#adhd#actually adhd#ocd#childhood memories#sorta vent in tags vv#I’m still dealing with the social consequences of that time period. People’s attitude towards me after those years#really damaged my mental health. Sometimes I think I’m not enough.#That my problems aren’t enough to say I was struggling. Then I look back… and yeah I can tell I was struggling#Idk wtf was going on because my adhd and ocd probably didn’t cause that. But I don’t show enough signs of autism to even#consider being diagnosed. Sometimes I wonder if I actually was in control. There was no trauma. No serious issues. Nothing.#Because I was running around like a maniac whenever I got upset. It stopped only after 3rd grade. With the help of a good teacher.#my so called “meltdowns” are probably internal now. I kinda s3lf h@rm and stuff when I don’t get my way now. When I’m seething in self#loathing because of something I did. You know. Normal behavior.#My life is a freaking mess. And it’s nobody’s fault. Except maybe my own? I don’t know. I always forget about that time period. Probably ca#se the teachers gave me a lot of bad memories during it. It wasn’t because of the teachers… but they certainly weren’t helping.#neurospicy#neurosparkly#actually ocd#neurodivergence#neurodiversity#I tell myself i didn’t have the choice though. I was young…#sorry for the vent
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❤️🏳️⚧️ happy Valentine's day to my first dose of Testosterone 🏳️⚧️❤️
self love wins<3
#this is genuinely the best day of my entire life. starting T after so many years of just dreaming about it#a childhood worth of watching transitioning videos on youtube is paying off. this is the beginning of my medical transition. i want to cry#and getting a new car after i totaled my old one. my first ever car. i have this one under my own name and my own legal power#instead of my parents holding my finances over my head#on top of that im finally starting my new job this friday.... ive been trying to get in for 3 years and im finally starting#very weird to even have made it to this point in life. a lot of heavily suicidal years full of dysphoria and trauma. hit after hit#but once i turned 18 and gained medical autonomy. man. i got diagnosed with stuff i didnt even know existed#anyways I'll shut up now but YAYYYY YAY YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYY!!!!!!#trans#transgenderism#gender
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being evaluated for adhd by having one of those full psych evals that last like two hours. scared frightened etc.... last time i took it i lied extensively bc i was 13 and thought they might tell my mommy if i said i had suicidal thoughts. and i still have a habit of lying to therapists bc i'm embarrassed......... AGH idk. what if i take it and they tell me that the reason im Like This is bc im genuinely just weird and shitty and not bc im mentally ill at all. SCARED
#which is dumb bc i have been formally diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses i dont think they can just take it back right?????#this is so stupid and cliche but what if i have been faking it........ all along........ Argh.#when i was in res i was put on adderall (bc the house psych just kind of experimented w meds LMFAO) and i had to go off them after like#two weeks bc it was affecting my appetite in a way i couldnt afford at the time lmao. but i do genuinely feel like it helped during that#time.... which is why i want to go on it again!!!! but im scared theyll just be like nah and i wont be able to take any of my meds anymore#is that crazy. am i being crazy rn. idk i truly do think most of my experiences w school and like. life could be explained by adhd and#when i was a kid they thought i had it but the two meds they tried didnt work for me so they just. kind of gave up#and i was really extremely unable to do school and graduated hs w an insanely low gpa and then dropped out of community college. LMAO. not#that people w adhd cant be good in school i just couldnt make myself do homework and couldnt listen in class bc i was too busy focusing on#listening. if that makes sense#IDK. idk. i know it's become like. a trend to have adhd is the issue and everything is being attributed to having it so im worried that ive#like. accidentally fallen in w that? even though ive thought i had it for forever and everyone has been like girl do you have this. IDK!!!!#idk. idkkkk im just like. genuinely scared. it's not the end of the world if im not diagnosed obviously but that means that#im just like this for no reason at all. and there's no way of helping it bc it's just the way i am. and i actually am just shitty n lazy.#epic. which incidentally is the proper name for how fucking long these tags are my bad. if you read this far sorry for being insane 👍
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I love how I get like one week every month where I'm normal. Two if I'm lucky
#as normal as i can get w everything i got going on i mean#im getting this birth control removed tomorrow so hopefully that helps me stay normal longer#i know for a fact my hormones are causing my intense depression lately#because after my period is over i feel fine for a bit like im happy about my life and i can do things more easily#and then closer to my period i start hating myself & my intrusive throughts get worse#and I'll feel depressed for days on end#i used to be incorrectly diagnosed w bipolar 1 because of these symptoms#but back when this birth control worked the first time and my periods went away those cycles stopped#just feels weird suddenly snapping out of depression just bc im done bleeding#.bdo
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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