#But that might be it from me
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Getting super ill to the point that I can't write fic just after I regained the ability to do prose again wasn't on my 2025 bingo card, and yet
#Just had my doc dismiss the hell out of me too so RIP#They're pursuing SOME diagnostic paths#But not the ones I'm pretty sure I need#I even have a diagnosed condition that may be causing it!!!#But nope!#After I suggested I thought of that as an option too#Guess what they stopped pursuing#I am. So tired#This is all I've got man#My body barely functions as is#Anyway#HAOHB is completely written so it will be finished#But that might be it from me#I can't focus idk if this even makes sense#Cool cool cool#I keep hoping it'll magically just be the worst flu of my life and I'll get better#Yadda yadda
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I want to step away from the art-vs-artist side of the Gaiman issue for a bit, and talk about, well, the rest of it. Because those emotions you're feeling would be the same without the art; the art just adds another layer.
Source: I worked with a guy who turned out to be heavily involved in an international, multi-state sex-slavery/trafficking ring.
He was really nice.
Yeah.
It hits like a dumptruck of shit. You don't feel stable in your world anymore. How could someone you interacted with, liked, also be a truly horrible person? How could your judgement be that bad? How can real people, not stylized cartoon bogeymen, be actually doing this shit?
You have to sit with the fact that you couldn't, or probably couldn't, have known. You should have no guilt as part of this horror — but guilt is almost certainly part of that mess you're feeling, because our brains do this associative thing, and somehow "I liked [the version of] the guy [that I knew]", or his creations, becomes "I made a horrible mistake and should feel guilty."
You didn't, loves, you didn't.
We're human, and we can only go by the information we have. And the information we have is only the smallest glimpse into someone else's life.
I didn't work closely with the guy I knew at work, but we chatted. He wasn't just nice; he was one of the only people outside my tiny department who seemed genuinely nice in a workplace that was rapidly becoming incredibly toxic. He loaned me a bike trainer. Occasionally he'd see me at the bus stop and give me a lift home.
Yup. I was a young woman in my twenties and rode in this guy's car. More than once.
When I tell this story that part usually makes people gasp. "You must feel so scared about what could have happened to you!" "You're so lucky nothing happened!"
No, that's not how it worked. I was never in danger. This guy targeted Korean women with little-to-no English who were coerced and powerless. A white, fluent, US citizen coworker wasn't a potential victim. I got to be a person, not prey.
Y'know that little warning bell that goes off, when you're around someone who might be a danger to you? That animal sense that says "Something is off here, watch out"?
Yeah, that doesn't ping if the preferred prey isn't around.
That's what rattled me the most about this. I liked to think of myself as willing to stand up for people with less power than me. I worked with Japanese exchange students in college and put myself bodily between them and creeps, and I sure as hell got that little alarm when some asian-schoolgirl fetishist schmoozed on them. But we were all there.
I had to learn that the alarm won't go off when the hunter isn't hunting. That it's not the solid indicator I might've thought it was. That sometimes this is what the privilege of not being prey does; it completely masks your ability to detect the horrors that are going on.
A lot of people point out that 'people like that' have amazing charisma and ability to lie and manipulate, and that's true. Anyone who's gotten away with this shit for decades is going to be way smoother than the pathetic little hangers-on I dealt with in university. But it's not just that. I seriously, deeply believe that he saw me as a person, and he did not extend personhood to his victims. We didn't have a fake coworker relationship. We had a real one. And just like I don't know the ins-and-outs of most of my coworkers lives, I had no idea that what he did on his down time was perpetrate horrors.
I know this is getting off the topic, but it's so very important. Especially as a message to cis guys: please understand that you won't recognize a creep the way you might think you will. If you're not the preferred prey, the hind-brain alarm won't go off. You have to listen to victims, not your gut feeling that the person seems perfectly nice and normal. It doesn't mean there's never a false accusation, but face the fact that it's usually real, and you don't have enough information to say otherwise.
So, yeah. It fucking sucks. Writing about this twists my insides into tense knots, and it was almost a decade ago. I was never in danger. No one I knew was hurt!
Just countless, powerless women, horrifically abused by someone who was nice to me.
You don't trust your own judgement quite the same way, after. And as utterly shitty as it is, as twisted up and unstead-in-the-world as I felt the day I found out — I don't actually think that's a bad thing.
I think we all need to question our own judgement. It makes us better people.
I don't see villains around every corner just because I knew one, once. But I do own the fact that I can't know, really know, about anyone except those closest to me. They have their own full lives. They'll go from the pinnacles of kindness to the depths of depravity — and I won't know.
It's not a failing. It's just being human. Something to remember before you slap labels on people, before you condemn them or idolize them. Think about how much you can't know, and how flawed our judgement always is.
Grieve for victims, and the feeling of betrayal. But maybe let yourself off the hook, and be a bit slower to skewer others on it.
#listen to old auntie Shades#serious#fuck I don't know how to tag this#I should probably read-more this but I'm not sure where#and now I need to go take a walk for my stupid mental health#you never stop processing#you do it over and over and over and over#and hope it gets a bit easier each time#Someone might get upset by using prey#but 'preferred prey' is an important concept from the predator's view#it doesn't mean the people are inherently prey#you feel me?#it's the best word I can find for the concept#neil gaiman#adjacent
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5 years ago, I was in Rehab.
10 years ago, I was watching my Potential and Opportunities dissolve and evaporate in an ocean of cheap gin and expensive whiskey.
But 5 years ago, I was in Rehab.
One of the exercises they had us perform was to imagine ourselves happy, 5 years in the future.
Many of us in that room had forgotten how to imagine nice things happening to them. A few snorted (well, I snorted), finding the notion that we’d even still be around in 5 years grimly humorous.
For about half of us, it was the last stop on the way down.
But I indulged the therapist. I was there, after all, because I did not want to die. So, I imagined myself, 5 years hence.
Happy.
It came to me all at once; an artistic remix on Norman Rockwell’s Freedom From Want, reframed with myself placing food at the table.
Sunday Dinner At My Place, I answered, when it came my turn to share my fantasy. I was asked what food I imagined eating.
It’s not the meal itself, I said, it’s the implications framed around it. Sunday Dinner At My Place means that I have a Place. It means that I have Family that will actually speak to me and friends who actually want to see me. It means money enough not just to feed myself but others too. It means having the time to spare to take the time preparing the meal.
A lot of nodding heads all around me. A struck chord. Many people with no Place, in that place. Nowhere that would lament their leaving.
5 years hence, as I lay down to sleep in my Home, with my Wife and my Son, surrounded by my Art and my Flowers, I reflect.
It was a long road. It was hard. We lost people. So many people. There were long days and long nights and hospital stays. Angry arguments with ghosts. I changed, in ways I never hoped for, or expected. Good ways, finally, for once. Slowly, against the backdrop of a world in chaos, I found my mind.
Sometimes, My Wife wondered aloud, what she did to deserve me. After some stumbling with my feelings, I eventually settled on an answer.
I’m a Rescue.
She gave me a Home.
And, so, I gave her a Family.
It seemed fair
This Sunday, my folks, which whom I have not had a shouting match in years, will come over for dinner. We will cook and eat together. My Friend became My Wife, and she took a piece of me and with it she made Our Son. There will be many hugs, and no violence. Good Things Happened.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you don’t know what the future holds.
don’t give up yet, ok?
It could get good, even.
#troglodyte thoughts#tales from Real Life#cw addiction#cw alcohol#sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train#run#fight#hide#SURVIVE#do not go into the light#there are unpet dogs#and unhugged children#and unseen sunsets#and maybe even love#even for a wretch like me#the best part of your life might be old age#you don’t know
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i took out the other people sitting at the table in the original comic because i did NOT want to draw glindas gay ass friends
#wicked movie#wicked musical#wicked#galinda upland#elphaba thropp#wicked galinda#wicked elphaba#gelphie#galinda x elphaba#glinda#glinda x elphaba#glinda upland#im sorry guys her two friends annoy me so bad i will not stay silent anymore#BEFORE ANYONE YELLS AT ME this is a scene from the movie but w my stage designs#mainly bc i havent taken the time to come up w movie vers designs yet#but i might soon bc i love character design and drawing fun outfits#anyways i love lesbians
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Physically? I am sitting in my bedroom. Mentally? Spiritually? I AM DEAD ON THE FLOOR!!!!! THESE TWO HAVE KILLED ME!!!!
(Another drawing! This was originally attempt #1 at drawing stan, and then fiddleford just showed up. Kinda feels like them five minutes after the above acting like nothing happened though, so it works sdjkgkjfshj)
#HEALED FIDDLEFORD HAS ME BOUNCING OFF THE FUCKING WALLS!!!!!!! GIVE THE MAN A BRIGHT HAPPY FUTURE!!! FUCK!!!!!#I don't know how i'm coming off right now#when i say that i've been super manic about them for the past week I really mean it#guys Idk but I think I might be fiddlestans number one fan#I liked this pairing before book of bill and after reading it it only solidified things#IT IS SO MUCH MORE THAN A CRACK SHIP TO ME!!!!!!!!#fiddlestan#gravity falls#anyway this is supposed to be them the next summer#stan is working the shack to tutor soos for tourist season#fiddleford has changed while the twins were on the stan o war#STAN DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL AT FIRST and they have a lot of shit to work through from their past before they can start making out dksjds#sketchbook#traditional art#pencil drawing#traditional drawing#stanley pines#fiddleford mcgucket#gravity falls fanart
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crowley
#fem presenting crowley you're everything to me#as you might know I've been recovering from an injury these past few weeks which is why I couldn't draw as much as usual#been doing a bit better so I wanted to give drawing a try again#while my arm isn't back to normal yet it feels a LOT better than 2 weeks ago#which is a good sign#still gonan take things easy of course#good omens#good omens fanart#crowley#fem crowley#why was one of teh suggestions for that tag fem crocodile#I'll have to look that up#david tennant#crowley fanart#aziracrow#aziracrow fanart#my art#fanart#my good omens art#good omens 2
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imagine: you get your memories back after years of amnesia to find out your whole species is dead and earth doesn’t exist anymore. that the only thing left of your culture is your weird ex and his busted honda civic that barely even works that he stole from the government when he was 13. And he’s been taking members of an alien species for trips in his honda civic and they’re all like “woah it’s so cool” and you get upset because it’s NOT COOL it’s a honda civic, the turn signals don’t even work “wow it can go up hills” yeah OF COURSE IT CAN GO UP HILLS EVERY CAR COULD DO THAT. but they’ve never seen a car before so everything it does is the coolest thing ever. And your ex’s only tool is a fucking screwdriver which is somehow also cool to this dumbass alien species even though it’s a fucking screwdriver so you just look like an idiot screaming about how none of this is even cool it’s actually really shitty but your whole planet is gone so you can’t even prove it but also you’ve had a constant drumming sounding in your head since you were 10 slowly driving you insane. I would become evil too.
#This metaphor might have gotten away from me#Whatever#the master#thoschei#doctor who#tardis#the doctor#Companion: wow it can actually fully reverse and go backwards!#The master: *seething bc EVERY CAR CAN DO THAT*#I would be so mad if the only thing left of my culture was my ex and his terrible car#That he doesn’t even have a license to drive#Tensimm#J watches drwho#I really wanna draw this but I don’t have any artistic ability due to there being no apples in my brain#Plus your ex kinda wants to fuck the car#P-14a#10k#15k
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lesbians enjoy pathetic male characters because we have an instinctive prey drive
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growing up!
#FALLS TO THE FLOOR!!!!#so shocking news: the silver artbook actually killed me a little. this is the first finished pic ive made since#wow isnt it crazy that 26 completed illustrations would kinda take it outta ya. bananas. i need to Not do a full bg again for a minute#i had the stupid thought like 'oohhgh i could do a series of silver and lilia as hes growing up!!' im HITTING ME!!! NO MORE SERIES!!!#I CAN DO NON-RELATED PICS OF THAT IF I MUST!!! THE PRESSURE OF A SERIES IS TOO TIRING RN!!!!#my life is a whirlwind i JUST moved and now might need to move again bc the nepotism might work and id make a ton more#im trying to sell my house and its going very poorly. im doing well at work. ID HAFTA MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY AGAIN#ID BE BACK NOOOORTH id go to pennsylvania <3 im from new york so the thought of being closer to my mom is rly nice#and i have friends there both from high school and ohiiiio and new england etc etc!!!! YAY!!!#twst#twisted wonderland#twst silver#lilia vanrouge#suntails#did u miss this. be honest. when i vanish for months at a time do u miss the rambling life updates. theyre who i am
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I don't want to regret the way I lived
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#fanart#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#yuji itadori#gojo satoru#nobara kugisaki#nanami kento#choso kamo#junpei yoshino#jjk leaks#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#this idea started as a 2 part series . then my braincells decided to spark and supplied 7 PAGES#'did you sleep hina' no#ws looking up mentally stable things like 'who has died in jjk' smh i love my hyperfixation media im sooooo glad so many ppl r DEAD#i *could* have included more ppl but i think this is a good crew. this is a yuuji emotional support crew#also Was gna include his grandpa final panel but i Did Not Want To#he is implied through th dialogue#side note i donot like how i cn see this scenario playing out . ..yuuji this isnt ur stop u r monopoly voice Just Visiting ok >:(#anyway I broke my own heart with this and ik i hyped it up a lot but i hope that its not just me...#hope i did not hype it up fr nothing and no one else finds it devastating :((((( that would b humbling in the worst way#pls ...join the happy party train.......i hate it here i suffered pls :<<<<#also !!!! colours in this !! i cooked i fear . adding th first bit of warm hitting yuuji's face after th first 2 panels....#ive never had that kind of experience while drawing before it was wild . painful ! but wild.#the whole transition from p 2->3 might b the most emotionally moving piece ive ever made to me#not 2 sing my own praises tho i will shut up ! i wil. nap
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sketched this out at jury duty actually
#i sat there for eight hours and wasn't called at ALL. even for selection >:(#death note#light yagami#l lawliet#lawlight#i don't ship them that hard tbh#i just like to cheer for classic yaoi as i'm rewatching this series#yippeeeeeee love at first sudden-death mind game 🎉🎉🎉#edit: omg multiple ppl have pointed out the hand (positively)...#i've been wondering why it's getting so much attention... it's probs bc i over-rendered it since i was worried it looked bad LOL#edit 2 months later: i'm glad DN is still enjoyed by so many people!! it's rly nice to see 😭#also i saw notif for a reply that started with “shipping light with L while the former is only-” but it doesn't show up under the post#so i can't read the rest... tumblr saving me from something vile truly. i assume it's about age#btw this character is a magical serial killer#like be fr LMAO i think there might be other issues here!!#the elitist morally bankrupt 17 y/o murderer with a god complex can have a little crush#as a treat <3
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immaterial girls, immaterial boys 🏳️⚧️
added this to my shop as a print/poster/etc
#i dont think ppl care about this sorta thing from me anymore but#might as well#trans#transgender#lgbt
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The books reveal that Ford is actually a secret partier
(Available as a print on my Etsy Shop)
(wips under cut)
#doctorsiren#gravity falls#the book of bill#billford#journal 3#stanford pines#bill cipher#jheselbraum the unswerving#gravity falls fanart#digital art#my art#procreate#RAHH MY LOVE FOR MAKING MIDCENTURY-STYLE ART AT TIMES CAME IN SUPER HANDY#I think I surprised myself here 😳#(also don’t take this as shipping him and Jhes 😭💀 that’s his space fish mom 😁)#in the book of bill. obviously he and bill get drunk that time#and then in the 3rd journal#it says that after Jhes told him he had the face of the man who would defeat bill (meaning stanley lmao)#he ‘was so excited’ that he and Jhes ‘spent the entire night partying and drinking cosmic sand’#it’s funny bc Jhes is described as speaking with a steely resolve and is very calm#so it’s silly to me to picture her partying haha#I might make this one a print as well bc I really love how it looks#I’ll print it out tomorrow and decide if it’ll work well enough :) if it does I’ll put it on my shop#😭 the bill…his thumb is backwards BUT THATS NOT MY FAULT THATS LITERALLY HOW IT IS IN THE BOOK OF BILL PAGE THAT I REFERENCEDTHIS FROM WAHH#he can do whatever he wants ig
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seriously have been thinking about this all night long. call me autistic but the fact that 90% of workplaces the point is not to get your work done and then be done doing it but to instead perform an elaborate social dance in which you find something to do even when you're done doing everything you need to do in order to show your fellow workers that you, too, are Working . because you are at Work . disgusting why cant we all agree that if there is no work immediately to be done. we just dont do anything
#i personally like to not be doing things constantly at all times. it stresses me out#i know there are ppl who thrive on cosntant activity#but me i like to chill out.#and the problem then becomes that i only ACTIVELY remember to do work and Find More Work To Do when im stressed#at the thought that others might want to see me working#if im ever relaxed i just dont look for stuff to do#catch 22 of modern work culture which permeates even ostensibly noncapitalist structures like public libraries#for instance: will it really kill anybody if the books get shelved by me now after a very busy day?#or shelved tomorrow morning by. well probably me since i'll be the one at the desk#not in the slightest#but it was work that wasnt being immediately done by me. therefore it was incorrect behavior#that i failed to identify because my instinct is to relax when not immediately presented with a Situation#this got me labeled as 'having no initiative' by my dad from a very early age#and even as an adult i still feel like im a child with no initiative
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Yeah, I don't know about you, Fidds, but I'd fold at this 🙏
Previous!!
Next!!
First!!
#no Stan don't use the puppy dog eyes Fidds won't be able to say no!!!#yeah I don't know where this is going but i made more lol#should i keep going i actually don't know#are you guys liking this PLEASE ANSWER ME 😭🙏#stan has hit the luck goldmine in his lifetime of the exact opposite#the last time he was this lucky he was born and even he's not too sure how lucky that actually was 🙏#Fiddleford does NOT want to rebuild that portal guys 🙏#i have a feeling that he might anyway though 🤞🙂↕️#cole's art#art#gravity falls#grunkle stan#stanley pines#gravity falls comic#yeah cause i am drawing comics now#that small drawing i did as a joke has really run away from me..#fiddleford hadron mcgucket#fiddleford mcgucket#fiddlestan#vampire fiddleford#werewolf stan pines#werewolf stan#gravity falls halloween au#i love you guys that followed me for this 🙏#why is stan spilling his guts about pushing his brother into an interdemensional portal to the first shmuck that walks by??#well..... idk he sees Fidds and hears that he knows Ford and he sees him as Ford's friend and he thinks oh man he deserves to know#mullet stan
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thinking about older bf!simon that doesn’t have to understand it to get behind it
“y’sure sweet’art? i could do with a shower”
you didn’t have to say anything, just had to look at him a certain way to tell him everything he had to know
“oh, thas’ the point innit?”
he doesn’t get it, but he always gets it
thick thighs spread on the couch with a spit-slicked fist stroking his cock steadily
your tongue rolling over his balls, sucking one into your mouth as you dug your fingernails into the taught muscle of his legs
“jus’ like that, oh- you filthy fuckin’ thing, you”
he smelt like hard work, like a long day, like manual labour, like-
he smelt like simon
the sound of your deep inhale wasn’t lost on him, making his eyes roll back in his head as it accompanied the lewd wet sounds of your lips
beating his cock faster, the other slipped around the back of your head to pull you in and keep you right where he wanted you
doesn’t have to understand to enjoy
“thas’ it, hold y’head steady f’me now”
#who knows where tf this came from#might be a bit much for a sunday night but i think it’s expected of me now#older bf!simon#simon riley smut#simon ghost riley smut#simon riley x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley blurb#simon ghost riley blurb
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