#Last year wasnt good either. i cant think of a year that WAS good.

[expergoe]

sorry to everyone that thinks the atp final fashion has ever been good but it isnt. nobody ate. the plate is full and its the beigest buffet you can possibly think of

[skinnymeanfaggot]

also

[talkorsomething]

Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

[a-sleepy-ginger]

21/3/24

✿❈✿❈✿

Cake for lunch

Was really comfy in bed when I woke up

Got economics assessment done

Got alot of cuddles from my cat

[mejomonster]

I gotta. Learn how to date again ;-;

[81folklore]

as good as new - ALBON

pairings: alex albon x ex!girlfriend!reader (fc: quarterjade)

summary: alex soft launches his ex girlfriend after they find eachother again

type: social media au (smau)

authors note: ok so welcome to the start of the voulez-vous fic list! i hope this makes sense but incase it doesnt, alex and yn used to be dating before they split due to just growing apart, but they were meant to be😁

authors note 2: kinda rushed at the end so sorry about that! got a couple of requests to work on so ill try and get them done along with this fic list! and you cant still join the taglist!!

voulez-vous main masterlist

yourusername

liked by alex_albon, brookeabb and 122,268 others

happy new years!!🥂

view comments

user7 happy new year gorgeous!!

yourfriend2 SHINING SHIMMERING SPLENDIDDDD

brookeab SHE IS SO FINE AND SO CUTE AND PRETTY AND LOVELY

user82 JAW IS ON THE FLOOR??

user90 im so in love with you

user26 GET IN LINE

user38 so so so so stunning

twitter

alex_albon

liked by williamsracing, yourusername and 253,080 others

last dump of the year🇦🇪

view comments

williamsracing see you next year king🫡

user84 yn liking :’)

user9 THE FIFTH PIC?!

user47 is that..shirtless alex

user83 WHOS HOLDING THE BOX??

user97 technically its already 2024 but we’ll let it slide

user55 imagine its yn in the 5th pic..

user1 can we not? 1. its none of our business and 2. alex can move on and imagine being that girl and seeing people think its her bfs ex like..

yourusername

liked by pokimanelol, alex_albon and 92,389 others

me and my boy ⭐️

view comments

tinakitten CUTE AS HECK!!

yourfriend4 i miss him☹️

yourusername even though he hates you??

yourfriend4 he doesnt hate me, just not fond!!

user77 whos that in the second slide👀

user52 no tag either🤨

user13 moms weekend with the kids i see

user9 does alex get weekends? i thought the cats were yns?

user2 tbh we have no idea, i assumed he did but maybe not🤷‍♀️

user26 so so cute!! we need more pics of you and genji!!

alex_albon added to their story

caption:☀️🐈

replies

user66 GENJI AND MABEL!!

user73 we missed them :’)

user8 oh how i love cat dad alex

twitter

alex_albon • mallorca

liked by jensonbutton, yourusername and 293,286 others

me gusta la playa

view comments

user4 THE CENSORSHIP??

user89 three shirtless pics?? someone call george

georgerussell63 someones coming for my brand🤣

user9 the softlaunch..oh im losing my mind

user33 yn liking alexs softlaunch post..shes checking up on the ex😭

user12 ran into george and lando in the last pic

user1 alex is so hot😮‍💨

user912 alex is FEEDING us at the moment

yourusername • mallorca

liked by alex_albon, carmenmundt and 182,196 others

sorry cant talk rn im too busy being hot

view comments

carmenmundt absolute beauty💞🫶

user94 I CAN TREAT YOU SO WELL

user63 so so gorgeous

user9 alex and yn both being in mallorca and alex softlaunching..

user111 you are a dream

twitter

yourusername

liked by alex_albon, landonorris and 210,692 others

darling, we were always meant to stay together💫

i was searching for photos to post and decided on 6 that really showed my life these past months

1. a photo on the first day i went out after we split, i felt lost and alone and decided to start documenting my journey alone

2. this is a photo i took when i went home and felt peace for the first time since our break

3. a selfie we took in the taxi after our ‘first date’. we met up for the first time since, and spoke about our feelings and decided to start taking things slow

4. a day out with you and my sister, i felt so happy knowing i had the two most important people with me again

5. our first holiday, this will always mean alot to me. we both said i love you for the first time, we spent all day, every day together just loving and holding each other

6. we were leaving and instead of being sad we knew that this part of our life wasnt over but instead we were moving on to bigger and better things

i love you so much and im so thankful that i have someone has caring and loving as you

tagged alex_albon

view comments

alex_albon just like it used to be and even better🌟

alex_albon i love you so so much

alex_albon i promise to love you forever and ever

yourusername my loveliest boy

user71 THEYRE BACK

yourusername AND BETTER THAN EVER BABY

user111 MY FAVORITES

user9 i didnt read the caption and experienced genuine shock when i saw alex

user8 so proper just say you were shocked😭

user88 i need everything to apologize to mads RIGHT NOW

user61 all the hate on her WHEN SHE WAS RIGHT

taglist: @smartstupyd

[sturnalsm]

𝑰 𝑯𝑨𝑻𝑬 𝑯𝑶𝑾 𝑴𝑼𝑪𝑯 𝑰 𝑾𝑨𝑵𝑻 𝒀𝑶𝑼

(M.S)

ˢᵘᵐᵐᵃʳʳʸ: ʸᵒᵘ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵐᵃᵗᵗ ᵃʳᵉ ᵉⁿᵉᵐⁱᵉˢ ᵇᵘ�� ᵗʰᵉ ᵗᵉⁿˢⁱᵒⁿ ᵇᵉᵗʷᵉᵉⁿ ʸᵒᵘ ᵗᵒᵒ ⁱˢ ᵇⁱᵍᵍᵉʳ ᵗʰᵃⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵃᵗᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᶠᵒʳ ᵉᵃᶜʰᵒᵗʰᵉʳ

!! WARNINGS !! : smut, choking, use of Y/N, pet names, swearing.

you loved hanging out with the triplets, thry are very good friends, except for... Matthew. you cant stand eachother. everytime you are around eachother you just wish you werent there, he was pissing you off its like he was doing it on purpose everytime, sometimes even his brothers had to make him shut up cause you were losing control.

but tonight they decided to invite you to their house to watch movies and just chat because you havent seen eachother the last month, they were in Boston because they wanted to spend a little more time with their family, that warmed your heart even more.

you were very excited to see them, but the thing was.. Matt was picking you up and the reason behing it? he's the only one who can drive. but even tho he was coming that didnt back you up you didn't care much

you were spending hours thinking on what to wear, but at the end you just decided to throw on a skirt and a crop top, you would've went with sweatpants and tshirt if the triplets' house wasnt always hot as fuck but oh well.

Matt was late once again, so you had to text him to make sure he is alive , even tho you didnt wanted to do that

you leaned against the front door waiting for him when you heard a knocking on your door, you opened the door "one second i need to get my charger" you ran to your room to get it and in a few seconds you were back eith Matt leaning against the door frame not saying a word. you looked up at him as you walked, he closed the door and you threw the keys at him so he locks it.

you walked over the car sitting on the front seat waiting for Matt. he sat in the care without saying a single word started driving to his house. you didnt said anything either he was already pissing you off by trying to act tough so you got your phone and started scrolling trough tik tok.

"okay Matt why are you trying to act tough now? whats up with you the last 2 years i really don't understand why and how could you have so much hate for me?" you finally speak looking at him. "you dont talk to me you barley listen when i talk? whats happening like what did i do to you?"

he looks at you "whats up with me Y/N? you are the one who told me to fuck off and left me for that jerk in 10th grade? you were the one who was ignoring me in the hallways of the school? and then you're asking whats up with me?!" he says with his anger in his voice growing bigger "Matt are you a kid? that was a long time ago, its been more than 3 years i already broke up with him whats your fucking deal?" "no Y/N because you have no idea how fucking stupid i felt after i confessed my feelings for you infront of the whole class just so you leave me for this fucking idiot."

you felt bad, you really did, but that was a long time ago and you had no idea that he still thinks about it, you also didn't knew that it broke his heart? "i dont even know why my brothers still hangout with you after that and why i always have to be in their plans with you when you literally..when you fucking broke my heart Y/N. he was litereally an idiot? he didnt treat you the way you deservedto be treated and all i wanted was you. and i hate how much i want you since then.." "okay Matt..look im sorry for what i did, i was in love with him okay? i didnt knew it was going to and that it did break your heart.." "it doesn't matter." he said focusing back on the road "what do you mean it doesn't matter you are the kne who bringed it up?!" if he didnt stopped talking now he would've started screaming so you wrre hlad he stopped.

the ride to the house was silent because of the talk you had before, nothing new tho. you didnt knew if you wanted to punch him or yourself. you were mad at your self of course but..you never knew he felt like that , he never speaks about his feelings unless yall are in argument, sometimes it feels like yall are a married couple from 2 years, fighting everytime they get the opportunity to. but in reality you couldn't stand eachother.

you were already infront of the house , Matt opened the door so he can get in he didnt even hold it for you, again nothing new. you came in and right when you got up the stairs you saw Nick. you were very good friends with him, he was amazing and you could always talk with him about anything you want, he is the bestest best friend you've ever had. "NICKKKK HIIII" you ran and hugged him. "HEY GIRLLL, what took you so long?" "oh well Matthew was latr once again" as you said that Matt rolls his eyes mocking you. "nothing new" Nick says laughing "Chris went to get snacks cause we forgot, he should be here soon"

"okay so what are we gonna watch, lets make it quick im tired" Matt says rolling his eyes once again. "oh and why are you so tried what have you been doing all day?" you ask jokingly. "none of you business" he smiles sarcastically. you roll your eyes sitting on the sofa. Matt sits next to you, you're surprised but you dont put so much attention to it. you give him a suspicious look. you open your phone so you can search for movies. "OHMYGOD" Nick yells from the kitchen causing you to jump from the loud noise. "I FOUND A MOVIE, LETS WATCH WHITE CHICKS?!" "never heard of it" Matt says with tought tone "well too bad Matt we are gonna watch this" you pat his head as you get ip to get a pepsi, he rolld eyes ONCE AGAIN.

as you open the fridge you hear footsteps "that must be Chris" Nick says and you look iver the door of the fridge seeing Chris with 2 bags in his hand. "hey Chrisss" you go and hug him. "heyyy Y/N, okay so i bought 3 bags of chips, 5 pepsis, 2 doctor pepers and 2 root bears is that good?" "its great" Nick says "give me the bags" Chris hands the bags to Nick and he opend everything. "so we decided we are going to watch White Chicks" you open your pepsi as you take your seat next to Matt "not WE, but Nick and Y/N." Matt says as you roll your eyes "okay tough guy"

Nick and Chris open their drinks and sit on the sofa next to you and Matt with the bowl of chips. Matt gazes at you , you feel him looking at you so you look back, he smirks and gives his attention back to the movie.

TIME SKIP!

the movie was very good and fun, you all laughed even Matt even tho he tried to hide it. it was like 11pm you were very tired so were the boys. you went upstairs to Nicks room because you have a toothbursh there and slippers too, in case you come to sleepover like tonight. you went to the bathroom to brush your teeth and take a shower.

you didnt went down stairs again you were too tired to think of anything else but to lay on Nicks bed and fall asleep. Nick came at the room not long after you layed down, he just looked at you and went on his side of the bed.

you were lost in thoughts, you still were thinking about the conversation you had with Matt earlier, it was driving you insane, you knew he hated you, but tonight there was something different about his behavior. "shit" you said to yourself as you buried your head in the pillow trying to fall asleep. it was hard to stop thinking about those things, was it your fault? maybe. but you never knew that it would and that id did break his heart, and the fact that you broke his heart breaks yours.

you didnt knew when you fell asleep but you woke up after a while , your phone was down stairs so you totally lost what time is it you had to go down get your phone and drink some water, you felt like your tounge was going to fall out. for the first time it was cold in thr house, probably because they left the windows open. you were already down stairs running the water when you hear footsteps behind you "Nick im sorry i woke you up i was ju-" you feel someone's hands wrapping around your waist behind you "its not Nick sweetheart" you recognize that voice. it was Matt. you gasped and tried to run away but he was too strong. "Matt what the fuck are you doing" you turn around now facing him. "im not doing anything" he smirks at you as he grabs your chin. "what-" you say as he cuts you off "remember our talk and how you apologized to me? well i dont think i accept that apologize..i think you should try another way.." he looks you dead in the eyes as he licks your lips "get on your knees. Now. i know youre all wet under this little skirt, why havent you changed it sweetheart? who sleeps with a skirt? its like you're asking for it.." he says. you stay in shock looking at him. "what if i dont want to hm?" you smirk at him looking dead in the eyes back. "i dont remember asking you if you want" he grabs your chin tighter "on your knees now. or do you want me to bend you over on the table and fuck you until you cant feel your legs anymore?"

you look up at him as you slowly go down on your knees holding onto his legs "good girl" he smirks licking his lips. you take off his belt unbuttoning his pants. ha takes off his boxers and you smirk "dont tease me doll.." you dont waste any second wrapping your lips around his cock making him moan. "oh fuck.." you go faster causing him to moan ever louder and uncontrollably. he starts moving his hips basically fucking your mouth, you gag on his cock but you dont stop. you feel he is close so thats why you stop. "oh you fucking whore.., get up." he says as he looks at you standing up. he turns you around bending you over on the table, taking off your pants and panties in one go. "already so wet for me, is that what i do to you, baby hm?" you nod and push your hips begging him to fuck you already "no no, not yet, you are a fucking tease" "Matt plea-" you cover your mouth as he starts eating you out from behind.

"oh shit Matt.." your legs are already shaking from feeling his tounge working down on you. you were close, your eyes blured everytime he sucked onto your clit, your legs were si weak you almost fell to the ground. you moan unstoppable. "shut up, doll, they are gonna gear us" he says as he spanks your ass. you were about to cum but then he removed his tounge. he knew what you wanted, and he was going to give it to you. he stroked himself a few times before slamming into you without any warning. you screamed. "shut the fuck up, you are not good for daddy right now and im gonna fuck you so hard you wont feel any part of your body princess" he says as he starts going deeper inside you. "fas- faste..r please matt" you needed his cock. you've been dreaming about this moment forever. "oh you think you can take me hm? take this then." he slams inside you that hard and deep you swear you felt him in your stomach.

he knows what he is doing, and he claims your body as his, if he wants something from you he will get it and nothing could stop him. he starts going with brutal force causing you to moan loud and scream his name. "matt im going to c-..matt.." "not yet princess. you are not going to cum until i tell you to" he drove you insane , he was litereally perfect every single thing about this man was perfect and you were here for it. he was going as fast as possible, everytime he pounded into you your vision blured. you couldn't even moan anymore he was using you as your personal fucktoy. "matt...pl please" "please what sweetheart, use your words?" he knew exactly what you wanted to, but he was going to make you beg for it. "i need to cum please matt.." he didnt say anything he just kept pounding into you. he toom your shirt off squeezing your boobs. kissing your skin, sucking on your neck. he started choking you. he wrapped his big hand around your neck driving you even more insane. "you want to cum huh? hmm.." with one last trust he cummed deep inside you. "go ahead make a mess on my cock baby" he says out of breath.

"you need to be cleaned tho.." he smirks as he turns your around to face him, he picks you up placing you on the table. he goes down to eat you out one more time, he cant get enough of you. "matt i ca- cant pleas-." his tounge slides slowly in and iut of you then he puts his fingers inside of you, hitting that perfect spot that made you go insane. "fuck you taste so good." he got out his fingers out of you licking them. he got up and started kissing you passionately sliding his tounge inside your mouth.. "you are amazing" he says as he smiles at you and kisses your forehead. "i love you Y/N" "i love you Matt.."

☆~~~~~~~☆

IM SORRY FOR BEING SO INACTIVE I HAD VERY IMPORTANT TESTS TO TAKE AT SCHOOL AND NOW SCHOOL IS FINISHED IM SUMMER BREAK AND IM GOING TO TRY TO POST MORE OFTEN ❤️‍🩹❤️

[serv0z]

RAHHH a drawing of all the sillies currently occupying my brain right now. Funny thing is!! My last LN related drawing was posted almost exactly a year ago!! how funny! Close-ups and yapping under the cut

I'm running on 3 hrs of sleep bc i stayed up till 5am to make this and then i had a neurologist appt at 8 so!!! (i got officially diagnosed with adhd or add we win, i already forgot which one he said but i get my meds tmrw!!) I might take a nap after this im so exhausted. ANYWAYS.!!! i love. flowey and clover friendship no one start yelling at me abt how flowey didnt care!!! theyre best friends to me!!!! and it works out as im a clover kinnie nd floweys been my comfort character for years now. we win. I don't think monsters really had binders at first (dont use bandages btw guys, dont be like Starlo was!!11) I think the first time one fell into the trash dump or wtvr someone picked it up and then once figuring out its uses just!! boom!! business!! figuring out how to safely make more and!!! finding ways to accommodate certain monsters with different body types!! esp with the spikes and such. Ceroba def helped Starlo out with his bandages often before they were able to get him a binder. the one where clovers drawing is !! an idea of revived!clover or clover staying in the underground in hiding. Martlet got him that shirt :)) and obv the bell earring is from Ceroba. sorry to all my cotl followers i STILL have no colored the 5 body refs of both narinder and lambert. I picked the colors here on a whim so uhmmm it's not official!!! not yet anyways!! i do like what i used for Narinders fur tho, so that might stay idk yet i hte coloring BNJKNKSD i colored this whole thing on a wild impulse.. thus staying up all night. I think clover would really enjoy waterfall if they were ever able to visit it after or during the whole soul thing. It's peaceful and beautiful and also one of my fav areas in base game sooo :) i missed my LN kids. I reread Raccoons on ao3 and remembered how much i loved them and their silly lil dynamic. im a #1 six defender btw i WILL throw hands if u say some wrong shit abt her. mono, less so bc i think a lot of people have a good grasp on his character now but six is ALWAYS villainized. Has been for years nd it ticks me off bc?? she was right for her actions kinda?? not really?? ofc both characters made bad choices that lead to it but dont disregard her feelings either? idk its a whole thing i cant get into on THIS post. a lot of the doodles are just random moments like Six in the Maw with their bigass keys and locks, maybe its one of the ones to the kitchen and thats why she's rushing :D? Mono isnt really. he wasnt meant to be in the end game room but i wanted funky lighting so do with that as u will. Silly stuff with RK and Six, RCG I DID NOT FORGET ABOUT U HUN <333 I JUST DONT HAVE A DESIGN FOR YOU YET!!! same for Low and Alone </3 RK with the nomes my beloved <333 nd ofc the last dance based on the animation on youtube!!! do not tag any of the ln kids as ship!!! and do not tag clover and flowey as a ship either!! only two im fine with in this drawing is staroba or narilamb oki goodnight

[jaemified]

major, minor, and the things in between - nishimura riki [TEASER]

"are we friends, lovers, or whatevers in between?"

pairing ; nishimura riki x fem!reader

genre ; slice of life, enemies to lovers, romance, drama, small angst

warnings ; swearing, drinking, brief mention of blood

estimated wordcount ; 6k-8k

estimated release date ; june 9 - june 30

synopsis ; though never quite well acquainted (or so jake thought), sim y/n had always felt strongly against nishimura riki, until her brother jake had forced them to get along. but, what was meant to have them get closer turns into something a little more.

read teaser below the cut !

"whats so hard about getting along with niki? hes a good kid!" jake complained. since his little sister couldnt get along with one of his best friends, it made even the intimate gatherings.. unpleasantly awkward.

"hes annoying, like you are being right now."

"no, why do you really hate him so much."

"i dont know! he just reminds me of someone i guess? and he always cheated on projects back in middle school. even stole my ideas so he could make it look like im in the wrong."

"thats it? youre holding a grudge over him just being a middle school kid from, what, 5 years ago? cmon, theres gotta be something better then that. not to mention even if there wasnt, that makes you sound hella dumb holding a grudge from the 7th grade when youre graduating next year."

y/n thought to herself. of course there was another reason, but it seemed unnecessary to bring up. and she also just didnt want to share it with jake. or maybe, it wasnt the right reason after all.

______________________________________________________________

"hey sunoo! god it feels like forever since i last saw you!"

it was really only a week.

"i know right! its been too long!"

she smiled, no matter what mood she was in, sunoo always was the sunshine in the rain.

"so, whos here?"

"oh, you know the usual. sunghoon, heeseung, jake, and jay. niki and jungwon are supposed to be setting up something in the courtyard."

"setting up what?"

"a volleyball net. jake was on nikis ass all week and wanted him to 1v1 you while we all played basketball. jungwon just wanted to help however he could, hes been tired all week from his job and the dance program."

no fucking way.

"youre saying i have to be alone, with nishimura riki? hell no!"

"isnt it great?" "this is a disaster!" they both exclaimed in unison.

"how is that bad?" "how is this good?!"

sunoo signaled for y/n to continue first. "i just cant stand riki. jakes been on my ass to talk to riki but i didnt think hed actually talk to him, or that hed even listen either."

"seriously? i always thought you had a thing for him. i mean, you look good together, you both share mainly the same interests, mainly the same circle, not to mention the undeniable love you have when your eyes meet-"

"okay thats enough! you know what, how bout we go outside, im hungry anyway."

sunoo shrugged and went along with y/n down the hall.

[friend-crow]

hello! ive always been kind of an armchair practitioner, and ive recently had a not very good conjuring experience, and i dont know what to do?? I just wanted some advice in the sense of, a lot of people when they tell stories of conjurations and encountering spirits they speak of feeling a lot, and since i am a little bit more sensible towards energies i was thinking that i too would feel. i think?? it went alright bc in the end the candle wax formed a lion which was cute (the spirit is associated w griffins), i could feel a small energy shift and im having a headache now. but like. i cant explain?? i feel like this isnt enough to say that im not just making up a bunch of stuff, and what i felt was real and the candle wasnt just doing candle stuff 😭....i also asked something to the spirit, which for as far as i could tell they agreed to help me, but i have no idea if this was just in my mind, so if i knew if it didnt work i would try again, but i have no clue if everything went alright or not???? i think im overreacting but i wanted to ask someone who actually has experience....

First of all I just want to say that verifying spirits (or that you've even had a real interaction that wasn't just confirmation bias) is hard. So don't feel bad.

I'm not sure quite what you mean about it being a not very good experience. I'm guessing you're referring to the uncertainty involved, but if you think it might have been somehow unsafe, I'd suggest looking into banishing techniques (which honestly is just a good thing to know before you start trying to deal with spirits).

As for verification, it can be a slow process. One thing you can try is requesting information that you don't currently have, but which you can verify as factually true or false. This unfortunately isn't helpful if communication isn't really happening in a clear way (or at all).

I must inform you that I'm not the most experienced either. I've only gotten more into spirit work in the last couple years, and as previously mentioned, it's a slow process getting into it. I don't know that it's for everyone, but if you're interested in pursuing it, try not to be discouraged! It takes a lot of patience and practice.

I'm going to tag in @windvexer and @stagkingswife who are much more experienced in this area than I am, and might have more solid advice for you.

[psychicsolanum]

TUA S4 SPOILERS

I have so many thoughts after finishing it.

yet I feel so empty lmao.

I'm gonna put my disorganised rambles under a read more if anyone is interested and/or wants to scream with me about it

umbrella academy is one of, if not, my favourite show ever made for its storytelling and unique art direction yes, but mainly its characters and their dynamic, like everyone who loves this show.

i love the fluffy sibling relationships and how their trauma affects how they live and behave with one another. everything is built off of the characters!! it's never revolved around love interests unless it made sense and I really loved that. patch (mostly), dave, ray, lila and even Delores tied into the main cast's arcs and pushed the plot forward in a way that I thought was really satisfying and didn't take away too much from the family dynamics that the show focuses on.

so why did they choose these random romantic relationships this season to focus on? I thought the twist about Ben's death was actually great and unexpected personally, (and i loved seeing the kids go out on a mission; i always wanted more flashbacks to their childhood) but to boil it down to a virus that made him fall in love with someone he just met? that's so boring and so unlike anything they've done before imo!

also what happened to sloane lmao. I know basically nothing about behind the scenes stuff but what was the point of having her and Luther get together last season if they had no plans, I'm guessing they must have and the actress didn't come back?

and I feel like hargreeves' grand plan that caused everything in this show to happen feels so anticlimactic now. I mean I guess it literally meant nothing now. this feels like life is strange all over again but worse lol.

Klaus! thank god he exists in this series. what a breath of fresh air any time he was on screen. i never thought i'd be so relieved they threw him into another side quest lmao thank god he wasnt burdened by the main plot too much. I don't mean to say I'm completely happy with what they did with him, they started this arc of like, not letting his powers define him and finish his transformation that he's been continuously going through since s1, but because the show ends with everyone killing themselves it just kind of fizzles out? still love him and his careless whimsy, i thought the way he got his powers back and the scene following it was really good. as always wish they explored it moreeeeeee ughhhhh. Omg they never did anything more with the void or God either. I loved that stuff :(((((((((((

I cant even think about the five and lila stuff without getting mad so I'm just gonna say: fuck you for that. what the fuck were you thinking. why. why. why. in my head five is aroace and moves on with his life, maybe takes up golfing idk. who cares. anything else. HE LITERALLY SAID "I WANNA FUCKING KILL HIM" ABOUT DIEGO IN THE LAST EPISODE?!?!?!?!? and he hid the way home to her children from her for months???? I like the very end of the plotline where it explained founder five, very Loki, but that could have been accomplished without the 7 year romance...............

I think the 6 year time jump reallllyyyyy did not help this season at all. it just led to all the conflict with Allison being resolved instantly and her only story being the one klaus is living with. also wtf was going on with her powers why did they just give her telekinesis thats way more boring than her rumours! I like the tiny bits we got with klaus and allison but it was so short! with the time jump we missed so much development, most of them feel like completely different characters for no real reason. the only thing we know about luther is that he became a stripper, and viktor owns a bar in canada i guess??? these guys were most of the main plot in season 1 and they were so one dimentional this season. i feel like we barely got to get to know Claire or Diego and lilas kids which would be fine if the rest of the plot going on with the other characters was good and engaging, which i felt it wasn't. I don't even know the kids names apart from Grace, which is very cute ill give them that.

The show ended with the main cast doing a group suicide. ceasing to exist. none of them getting to heal.

I'm sorry I don't want to be a hater and I really do hope that some people loved this season but im just so sad lol. i liked the first couple eps and I really love these characters, judging by twitter I'm not alone in my disappointment though lmao. what was the potential s5 gonna look like?!?!?

I loved klaus and Allison a lot and we got little snippets of greatness, I want a spinoff of them now!!!!!!!

I'm excited to hear other people's opinions, maybe I'll see other perspectives and feel a little better haha.

klaus 4ever 🖤☂️🖤

[mapliusoup]

some killjoys past headcanons part 2!!!! doing ghoul this time

last time i did the venom sibs and its my most popular post to this day so its time for my favourite little guy to be in the spotlight. i love him a lot okay

ghoul was born in a mexican family, who lived in the us close to the frontier. he had an older sister, a father and a mother.

ghoul was around four years old when BLI found them. his parents got killed but managed to get him and his sister to escape.

they catched them pretty quickly, though, and his sister got killed as well. they left him in the desert with some minor injuries, thinking he would die from dehydratation or get eaten by the rare animals that were still left in the desert at the time.

turns out he didnt. he somehow managed to stay alive. he barely knew how to talk, couldnt walk for long and had pretty much never interacted with people apart of his family.

he survived next years eating pretty much only trash, sleeping in the desert and running away from every people he saw from fear of being killed like his family. he got a lot of the scars he has to this day in thoses times

and one day, he met kobra.

if you didnt read my previous post and are too lazy to, kobra escaped gravel gerties (where he was living with party and jet and from where he had pretty much never gotten out) and got lost in the desert.

ghoul didnt know how to react when he saw kobra, but there was something about him- maybe the way he walked, slightly bent like he was scared of something, maybe the way his eyes darted from side to side like he didnt know where he was- he just knew kobra wasnt a threat.

ghoul treated human and animals the same way; and the best thing he thought of for making sure, completely sure that kobra wasnt dangerous was throwing an empty can down the hill, like for a dog, and when he saw that kobra actually went and got it, he got completely rid of any fear he had left.

ghoul didnt know how to talk. he remembered a few words of spanish, but all thoses years of being completely by himself made him forget pretty much everything.

kobra didnt really care, though. its not like he was good at talking either.

(also ghoul was around 14 at the time and kobra was 15)

they spent the next three months together, ghoul learning kobra how to survive (lots of the things he learned with ghoul saved his life later) and kobra learning ghoul how to do basic things like talk properly, act like a "civilized" person, etc

when kobra find his way back to gravel gerties, and found party and jet, ghoul thought he was going to be alone again. and weirdly, it terryfied him. because he had gotten used to kobras present, to the feeling of having someone watching your back, to the sensation of waking up and not being freezing cold, to have someone to hug. he didnt want to be alone.

and then kobra offered him to stay. and he just couldnt refuse, because he was tired, tired of having to worry about not being seen, tired to not know if you were going to eat next day, tired to not be able to really live.

and he accepted.

at first, ghoul was really startled by everything around- the people, mostly- but he got used to it. a lot was thanks to jet, who took special care of him, learning him to read and write and talk. and ghoul was happy, to have people who cared, people like party and jet and kobra.

he did have some troubles. he got in fights a lot, he has abandomnent issues and is scared of being alone. he has a lots of nightmares- and cant sleep in complete darkness.

he managed his anger by going to the zones fight ring. yes because i think theres a zone fight ring and if you disagree i will punch you

also he bites

(made this pretty quickly too so forgive me if theres mistakes)

[tojikai]

I was so hesitant to start “permanent mark” but I finished it and man it was a roller coaster of emotions 😭😭 idk how to feel now that i finished it! I swear you’re so good at making us hate characters (well atleast me) yet somehow leave us “forgiving” them and wanting y/n to end up with them in a way

Maybe it was just me but even before shit went down regarding naomi and rie?they seem very sweet but idk something was off about them lmfaoo also satoru is such an idiot and he was so annoying with rie when y/n was literally fighting for her life, if i were shoko and suguru…..

Rie just kept pissing me off throughout the whole story

Ngl i read a bit of the first and last chapter before truly reading it and once that whole situation happened before tragedy hit…..

I thought y/n was going to lose her baby at the hands of rie for a sec☠️

Now that I have read all your stories, surprisingly “fix you” is still my favorite!🫶

Im a little confused on rie and satoru relationship however and have so many questions on it however aside from that there isn’t anything else

Like:

1: did he ever actually love rie?

2: why wasn’t he over her?

3: why didn’t he take y/n with him when they reunited, was it intentional?

4: did he love rie or grow to do so when everything went down?

5. Did his feelings for rie ever leave? Did he always love her while being with y/n or they just came back when she did

6: what was man’s thoughts or plan with that open relationship shit☠️

7. Was he in love with rie?

8. During his 5 year relationship with y/n, did he ever think about rie or wish it was her instead of y/n, Did satoru actually keep her in his heart while with y/n 💔

Im so sorry if im asking too many questions

Sundered and permanent mark just left me with so many questions and what if’s😭

HIII thanks sm for reading, im glad you enjoyed it !! <3 and yep, rie is a different type of annoying 😭 so many things happened in that series, everything was cHAOS, anwww lets answer your q's !!

1. satoru loved rie. but not when he met her again. as i said, it's just the thought that he can finally be w her. she was a frustration for him then

2. it was a high school sweet heart type of love. it's not really that he wasnt "over her," but it's wasn't "over the feeling of wanting and having her," he felt like he was left hanging and when it was within his reach, he grabbed it.

3. it wasn't intentional that she didn't take yn, but that party was also considered a reunion between hs friend, and that's why yn wasn't there, she might feel out of place.

4. he loved rie, and finally being w her gave him a sense of closure on their high school situationship. he thought that a future w her was not impossible. and when she stayed w him despite the criticism and judgment also made him feel secure with her.

5. no he wasn't in love w rie while he was w yn. he's truly in love w yn during those times and he still loves her. but seeing rie brought out the surging emotions he buried and forgotten from his hs years.

6. help i cant remember the open rs one?😭 or is it his rs w yn during her pregnancy? either way, satoru's just desperate to have some sort of connection to her after all that. their rs got so messed up in that story🥹

7. he was in love with rie, yes. he really fell for her during hs years.

8. and no, satoru never once wished that it was rie instead of yn. he's really in love with yn. all the feelings he had for rie during hs was outshined by his love for yn. even when he was w rie, his feelings for yn cannot be totally contained.

dont worry abt the questions <3 !! im more than happy to answer them, i enjoy thinking back on the stories i wrote ~!! thank you so much for your support<3 have a great day ~

[pseudophan]

what are some songs that are dnp coded for you? you’re right that still into you is a good one for them

i swear i had a "phan playlist" on spotify but i can't find it, so either i'm misremembering and it's on tidal (which i used before spotify bc we got it for free for years) or i deleted it... either way ok so like off the top of my head here's the ones that immediately come to mind

first of all. more than anything. this one. like... oh my god... first of all i love peach just like in general, but also even if i didn't... so good. this wasnt even on my old phan playlist cause its quite new but like... its potentially the best phan song ever rn like sorry but it just is

then like, in my initial phannie years, i was already a big muse fan, and this was always my go to before any other song because just like.. yeah...

lastly id usually put still into you but ofc i cant, so like i feel like i should put perfect ed sheeran cauase thats undoubtedly a good one but like... i dont wanna be basic and also i dont even like ed sheeran... so uhh ok wait let me think

ok so someone sent me this song in like, idk... 2016? 2017? maybe 2018? idk. before they came out. but like. an anon sent me this song, and i'm not sure whether i ever responded to it or not.. but i do think it's a good song and you're right, it IS very Phan Relevant. so if i never replied, here's your response after all these years bc for sure this is my last choice:

ultimately though... that peach song? most relevant. like oh my god so fucking dan and phil coded. like holy fuck killing myself

[thatcheeseycandle]

//OKAY TO THOSE WHO ARE IN THE TTTE/TIDMOUTH SERVER, OR ANYONE WHO SEES THIS, YOU KNOW ITS TIME FOR A YIAU REACTION

TW SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRETY OF CHP. 37 AND SOME BITS OF A GOLDEN SOUL

(Notes on my last post will be at the end)

OHFMSJAHAJAKSHDHSJAJSHD ITS HERE YEAHAHAHAHHDHD ITS HERE FRESH OUT OF THE OVEN

Oh OH THEYRE THERE ALREADY THEYRE AT THE HOUSE, MANSION, WHATEVER IT WAS

Ah gosh RIGHT THE HYBRID THING. Thank God I did a refresh read before this chapter came out

GADWALL BEHAHAJDB HOLY GOSH

"She has to be okay. I can't just abandon her!" Oh you loyal man, considering she's not.. Yknow in there anymore, I'll be bracing myself for whatever emotions are to come to both Oscar and the readers BEGAJAKDJCB

"You're going to be a part of this family very soon, need I remind you" YEAAASSS THAT TOO! Still feels like a feverdream to now see that these two are engaged considering long ago they were a bit messy with their relationship (aka, A Golden Soul and perhaps many other series-es)

Wait a click GADWALL IS A SILVER SOUL????

Okay now that adds onto my theory of (most likely) all the revived constructs (aka people like Quicksilver) being silver souls, cause to think about it I think Gold dust would've been too limited (most likely) around the time they were actually revived

So then, silver souls were one of the few ways to get ehm back during said times, as to not risk wasting Gold dust

But then- It wouldnt make sense considering HENDRICK HAS VILES OF GOLD DUST but I suppose it could've been gained around recent years and not like by the minute he was revived

ANYWAYS CONTINUING THE CHAPTER! I'll be saving those theories for seperate posts I suppose

Sorry Oscar you just YOU GO WITH HIM TO TELL HER THAT, SHE REALLY REALLY NEEDS TO HEAR IT.

"I know. You always come back running to me, one way or another." Considering a lot, same goes to you Truro to Scot LMAOAIDH

Woag WOAH GADWALL

WHAT ON EARTH?? IS THIS IMPLYING THAT SILVER SOULS HAVE ABILITIES SIMILAR TO THAT OF A GOLDEN WARDEN OR IS GADWALL ONE?????

GOOD LORD-

Oop OOOOOOO WE'RE BACK TO MAYFLOWER AND (Actually) BLUE PETER

Lack of stamina, waif WAIF WAIT

I might post the note I saved this theory on onto my tumblr after this, but is this- IS THIS BLACK SMOKE

Okay now thats sortve an exaggeration considering lack of stamina can be a sympton of a lot of things, BUT ANYWHO CONTINUING ON

Oh yikes YIKES OKAY, INSISTENT, NOTING THAT DOWN

I love how 9F was used in that sentence, fits well!

Friends FIRUABAB OKAY WE GETTING INTO THE LITTLE PEEKS LETS GO

"He'd push everyone that might have given him a place to rest his wheels." Sorry I just I nearly exploded at that sentence, ITS SO AIHFJDUFH Its relatable in a way

CLASS 37 MENTION LETS GOOOO

Her name has a ring to it, lovely!

"We so rarely get larger engines visiting our small piece of paradise."

"Excuse me, I'm a larger engine!" mAYFLOWER BEHAHAJDBXNZ

CRACKED ME UP RIGHT THERE LMAO

(Insert words that describe me just going suddenly quiet reading Blue Peter's thoughts and basically whats happening between the three)

Now wasnt that lovely! Yknow yhe title card got me all tense when I read out Blue Peter's name when I started reading this bit LMAO CAUSE I THOUGHT SOMETHING WAS GONNA YKNOW YEAH HAPPEN

HOLYGO I NEARLY LOST MY OXYGEN, BITTERN MY GUY HAHAHAJAHDHXN

"You act like this is a common thing, Grey"

"That's because it is!" I am not getting over these two australians BEHSJDHDB THIS IS ONE OF THE MOMENTS THAT GET MY CURIOSITY ALL UP FOR FLASHBACK BITS TO PENDENNIS' PAST

shy SHYAHAHAJFB

I love how this bit of the convo is just:

"Well you didnt tell me!"

"How could we? We didnt even know shite about how it works for you!"

FIAYR DUDT

New nickname for Gold dust, Fairy dust

Grey that is one of the most poetic interesting things you've said HOLY GOD

Honestly I cant blame them, even if they knew, that sentence wouldve been magnificent either way

"I mean, who better to run a railway museum than an engine, right?" The way Olivia is technically half an engine (or is she?) and now theres this lad BEHAHAJAKDH

Wait GREY. LORE BIT LORE BIT- Okay I mean why am I surprised, SILVERFOX AND WHO I SUSPECT TO BE BLINK BONNY WORK ON THE BLUEBELL RAILWAY OF COURSE THERES CONSTRUCTS LIKE THAT

(For context, in aGS Godred says he met this person named "Bonny" alongside Silverfox when he was on the Bluebell, but thats from what I remember)

Aait WAIT HORATIO HE

IS THIS IMPLYING HE ALSO TAKES A SIMILAR ROLE????

Waut WUAJAJA OHMYGOD GOLDEN CIRCLE MENTION, GOLDEN CIRCLE MENTION FOLKS

WELL SAID HORATIO WELL SAID (I am speechless)

Oh God OH GOD

OKAY FINALLY THEY REALIZE THAT

WELL SAID EVERYONE.. WELL SAID (I am still speechless)

Oh so THATS WHY THEYRE CALLED WARDENS ITS OHMYGO IT MAKES SOME MORE SENSE NOW

Wait WAIT. HOLY SHIT

THE FUCK YOU MEAN THEY WERE THE ONES TO RUN IT????? THIS

IT MAKES SENSE NOW, WHY THOSE PRICKS HAD ACCESS TO BLACK-SMOKE RELATED THINGS LIKE YKNOW THE LITTLE CANISTER THAT CAUSED SCOT HIS NIGHTMARES AND THE VILE OF BLACK SMOKE

ITS A FUCKIN CORRUPT SYSTEM

Well damn I never expected that a corrupt government would pop up in YIAU, but then again YIAU is basically collecting every type of trauma so LMAOHDGHD

Oh wait he isnt blue in this timeline LMAO NEARLY FORGOT ITS STILL 2023 IN THIS

YoYOYOYOYOO A GNR SADDLE-TANK LETS GO

Yeah YEAAHH FIGHT OFF THOSE OLD HABITS LETS GO BLUE PETER

"It was what enamoured him to that King Class, his dearest Eurion" dare I say the term- BLUE PETER YOU BEHAJDHXB I SEE YOU

"He had always been good at hiding what ailed him. So why was he failing now?" WELL THAT SHOT DIRECTLY INTO MY HEART DIDNT IT

Ohmygo💥💥💥 This is why I love Mayflower, LOOK AT HER SHES JUST YEAH

SHES GOSSIPING WITH HER FRIENDS BEHAJDHDND

Cold and the pain. THE COL-

OHMYGOD OKAY YEAH THIS EXPLAINS THE TITLECARD, WELL I MEANT MAY EXPLAIN BUT YKNOW YEAH

Well I be damned, thats actually kind of true in a way. BUT I MEAN SHE IS TECHNICALLY DIRECTLY RELATED TO THEM AS A NIECE (referencing another chapter I unfortunately forgot the number to but I'll put it in the tags if I do remember it)

AH CRAP I GOTTA EAT DINNER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD- ILL COME BACK TO THIS DRAFT SOON

I AM BACK YEAH LETS GO

"After accepting Tornado he realised just how alone he was." Well THATS. THATS SOMETHING TO BE SHOT BY ON A FRIDAY EVENING

(Insert just a cacophony of "WHAT"s, "NO"s, "STOP NO"s, "LORD"s, and then silence just reading this bit)

"Don't ever feel sorry for being sick, this isn't the 50s or 60s anymore, you won't get scrapped just because you've got a rivet wrong." wHAT IS WITH THIS CHAPTER AND IT'S DEEP QUOTES

But still, wise words from Mayflower right there

Ohmygod. OHMYGOD. I JSUT

I PREDICTED IT AGAINMYGOSOAOOAOAO

THE BLACKSMOKE THE OHVYAJAOAOAOAIDB I THEORISED IT AND I WAS CORREFT

WELL SOMEWGAT CORRECT BUT I WAA CORRECT ABOUT HIM HAVING BLACKSMOKE OHMGYODOAOAKJZBXNX

OH NO ONONNOOBOOO NONO BLUE PETER HOLD ON TO YOURSELF

BE STRONG BE STRONG

NOOOOOOO BLUE PETER NO

(Future me here, I screamed my lungs out irl and my gosh I was not okay since I waa processing a lot of emotions LMAO)

Oh shet its Lode Star OKAY YEAH ITS MUSEUM TIME GUYS

OH ITS THIS BIT BEHAHAHAJXHX

Ay AY WATCH YOUR THOUGHTS ON DOTTI THERE

"He refused to admit it, but he had missed her too." YIEEEEE MALLARD ADMIT IT ALREADY

Woah WOAH KING GEORGE

OOOOOOOO DRAMA LETS GOOO

Wait. King Edward II WAIT. WAI TNOU

NONONONONOO WHAT NO THIS NO NONONONONO

MALLARD FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU JUST GOT BACK NOOOOOOOOO

(Future me here yet again reading over this review before I post it, I was in silence for a while processing this LMAO SO YEAH YKNOW THE EMOTIONS WERE DOING THEIR THING IN THIS CHAPTER)

ANYWHO. GOD THAT- THAT WAS HARD TO SWALLOW

Yet again another well delivered chapter by RedWryvernWrites aka Baku! The emotions were REALLY tugged on in this chapter, anxiety was the main emotion in this LMAO but I did also appreciate those little spills of lore in the mix!

Anywho, I'll see you lot in my next post then!

[mihai-florescu]

i think i feel pretty similar to you in that the world is terrible, depressing, it sucks. that’s it’s natural state and we will always return there. but i thank that even though it hurts there are ideals unhampered by reality, stories we can create where that cycle ends for a moment in a happier direction. it isnt our job or duty as there isnt any grand purpose like that, but there is an opportunity out there to create a story with our lives. whether it’s a well known story or lost by the wayside, those who acknowledge the layer beneath the cheery “reality” that is peddled can be writers of their own. i might be delusional and there really is no hope but i hope to create stories for people to enjoy that elusive dream in if only for a temporary respite and cant give up until i well and truly fail. i don’t know if any of my thoughts speak to you in any meaningful way, but i felt compelled to share as while i think we share beliefs we seem to have come to rather different conclusions. i want to give my life to a story, an art, that will hold ideals the real world can never truly embody and thus cannot really give up as every taste of the real reality only strengthens my resolve. is there something like that for you? i’ve read your blog for a while and in my mind (which is an inexperienced mind so I apologize for sharing its fallible perceptions) you seemed like a fascinating person who holds ideals the world refuses to embody and is slowly sinking under that weight. i know it’s not really my place, so i apologize for my audacity, but i believe that you are the sort of person who can create a true happiness for yourself eventually. well, i mean i kind of have to if i believe that for myself. i have more to say, but it seems this is become a ridiculously long message. i apologize, my words likely have crossed between ideas and lost sense at times. i hope they help, or at least don’t harm. i hope you find loveliness loveliness in your day as you deserve it.

I've been journaling about this yesterday... my entire outlook on life i guess? I know i used to be creative and make projects that i found fun, but i cant find this drive in me anymore, i'm more than ready to give up (if only upset at the way it ended so im pressuring myself to make a good Last Project, but nothing is good anymore. It's all so...plain. useless. banal. there's no wit or multilayer to anything i can come up with anymore. I cant develop an idea anymore. There are enough stories, enough artworks, plenty of them bad, theres no need for me to add to it). Im sure it's just burnout stacked on top of depression and general worsening misanthropy and paranoia, but i don't think i will ever feel more hopeful again.

However i do think art, literature, games, even just stories from other people are keeping me grounded. They're also humanity's only redeeming quality - imagination will save our souls... but my position isn't to be an artist anymore, i cant spare the energy and i dont see a point in it either. I cant do a single basic living thing anymore that others seem to be able to do? I very much feel like an npc trying to do my most necessary tasks as best i can, failing more often than not. I hate getting asked what i'll do on a day off (it used to be often at my internship. I dont even want to imagine what they thought about me, that's another can of worms that still haunts me and contributed to why i became like this). The answer is quite literally Pretend I Dont Exist. I will not do anything. I cant do anything. I stop existing the second you stop seeing me, im just in bed dreading the next time i have to be human. I think when other people say they didnt do anything it's a hyperbole, but i can go weeks, and i have gone months even, without leaving the house, if i wasnt expected to.

Part of me wants to think, hope, i could maybe even get interested in making things again if there was no expectation for me to be a person for a few years, completely disappear off the grid (the expectation to be a person that just doesnt come natural to me anymore... and a specific one at that - achieving goals and moving forward, working, with ambitions or any sort of drive, young and energetic, an only child with a good education earning a living... i despise the idea of making money. I despise consumerism too. I want to fund artists, family owned restaurants, bookshops, cafes, and i do, i spend so much money without realising, but i'm really worried i'll run out and not be able to make any to survive once im older and wont get funds from my parents anymore. So i try to save and fail... My family friends, same age or even younger, are buying their own cars and apartments, successfully working multiple well paying jobs at the same time, with plans for the future...? Id like to know both how and why. How do you have the energy and why do you care. But even if they tell me the answers it doesnt change how i feel in my own life)

But this also has skewed my perception of other people... it connects to how i dont actually understand friendships anymore, im sure i mentioned it recently. Like with being an artist, there was a time i did understand and had deep friendships, i think, but it's quite alien to me now? In the way im not real until i have to interact with someone else, and even then, debatable, theyre not real to me either. Like i know this isnt a good mindset to have but it's either everything is real and i genuinely believe we need to disappear, to put an end to this sad species soon, or nothing is real and everyone's just playing a role in a story i get to watch. In a way taking away people's humanity and making them characters in my head is out of kindness, im being delusionally optimistic and quite frankly parasocial even with "friends", but it keeps me floating, stable. Ish. Still kind of empty but entertained enough. But then actually having a conversation outside my head with them is scary, unpredictable... on good days that can be fun too. My roommate always says i end up on side quests a lot if i leave the house, i think im just open to witnessing new stories... just on good, no, great days though, i cant stress that part enough. Great days are getting rarer and rarer. Most days pass by while im in bed and in my head trying to process anything, where i can barely have a coherent thought, and i wait for the day to end. Today was good for example but i still didnt manage to do anything to earn me the title of person, yet it was good because i 1. Ate, and 2. Didnt cry.

The part of your ask that hit me the most was when you said i seemed like a fascinating person, past tense. Im sure i was, but nowadays im very little even a person. Cant be helped. I hope i managed to explain how and why. If you ever want to share your art, my dms are open, i can maybe tell you about my gallery of failure wips i cant stand to look at anymore. I saw the followup ask with your personal info but im not quite sure what else to say... even this ask took too long to answer and now i need a nappp