#LIKE SHIT I DID THAT? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

inbabylontheywept · 6 months ago

Text

bad dating stories time: the shoe incident

so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.

at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.

he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?

and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.

but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.

i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?

(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)

and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.

i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.

that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.

i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.

anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.

i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.

we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.

he was okay at it.

eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.

soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.

realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:

"i can't get pregnant"

which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.

still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"

and then i was in my car, and i drove away.

if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.

and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.

WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.

we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.

do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.

and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.

then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.

and then they started making out.

i was close enough to hear it.

i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.

so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.

now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.

so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.

about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.

my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.

my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.

they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?

and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.

#dating stories #anecdotes #long post #funny story #babylon #im really bad at dating #like i can do a lot better than this but also it just was kind of a nightmare for me #shit like this did make the whole thing easier tho #like #every date after this i could go you know ive seen how bad it can get #and i lived #didnt even get shot #writing

16K notes · View notes

artkaninchenbau · 11 months ago

Text

A h-heartfelt reunion..?

Bonus

#Sir Crocodile #Monkey D Dragon #Emporio Ivankov #Dragodile #Crocodad #My art #One Piece #We're not gonna talk about the work I should be doing rn I have Severe Procrastinitis and I'm doing my best okay #Alternative version where it was both Crocodile and Garp beating Dragon's ass before Iva-chan joined in but that was too much effort lmao #I'm a believer in Dragon being a Wind Logia so don't worry guys he is 100% taking this beating intentionally #He knows what he did and he's dealing with the concequences of his actions. With grace.#You know I realize Iva-chan should be two whole meters taller than Crocodile but we're just gonna ignore that #Look Iva-chan taking Crocodile's side and being like ''Crocoboy is right you fucked up bad Dragon'' brings me joy #And for real I've been wanting to draw this for months. But never did because I had other shit to do. Which I still do #But. You know. Sometimes you need to draw a shitpost. It's ✨ self-care ✨#And appearently One Piece shitpost comics have become the thing I draw for myself on occassion

17K notes · View notes

inkskinned · 3 months ago

Text

you want them to text back but that's anxious attachment isn't it. it's just that you can feel on the wind when you're not wanted anymore. when they've fallen out of love in any small part of their marrow. you have a hawk's eye for disharmony. you can tell when she has begun packing her things.

don't be annoying. you want to write: i have never experienced unconditional love as an explanation but isn't that pathetic. in adulthood all love is conditional and it should be. you've been to too much therapy. touch grass. how sappy can you be.

but they don't reach for your hand while they're driving. they forget to ask you how you're doing. the call times no longer read 12:34:19. they're 30 minutes and perfunctory before she says baby please, i'm tired. i need to go to sleep. where in her life do you fit. why is it that you never fit into anyone's life very long. oblong creature with so many needs, spilling up and out and over everything. it's a fucking shame the first time she said she loved you it was for your independence. and now look at you.

hollow pit in your stomach, body shaking. fuck, not again. you're not going to ruin another relationship like this, codependent and toxic, spiraling. and in the other half of your brain: if that's your wife, wouldn't she want to hear it? wouldn't it be fine? wouldn't she just comfort you and you can both move on and nobody dies?

but you're crowding her! read another instagram Positive Vibes Only type of post that talks about calming your heart and your brain and your body. try to sit in silence. the thing is that you do have a life outside of her, remember? go back to it.

great news, your parents fucked you up and now you have no idea how to deal with love. you just keep wanting to be chosen. to be real to someone, all the way through. real and kept. held closely. seen as precious to somebody. why even is that? didn't you always swear that people can and should complete themselves? why are you so constantly driven to beg for love, doglike and barking?

it's just the tiny things. it's just that you have to weigh every silence and sentence like bricks on an exposed belly. you have no idea how to shut it off. every alarm bell in your body saying: this isn't safe. start scrambling. she's already going.

#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGH I HATE LIVING IN THIS SHIT OF A BODY!!!!!!!!#anxious attachment #is such an UTTER BITCH~!!!!!!!!#AND THE THING IS THAT EVERYONE IS LIKE ''JUST HEAL FROM IT''#AND IM LIKE. BITCH I HAVE BEEN TRYING. I DID A LOT OF IT. I STILL HAVE LIKE. MENTAL #FUCKIN #ILLNESS #im so much better now. but i have days :'( and like .... the grief is bringing out the worst in me #im trying but it's all just like ....... bad in there

4K notes · View notes

daisychainsandbowties · 1 year ago

Text

super curious today about how people feel toward the names they might have been given. apparently i used to ask my mom about my “boy name” several times a week and get really sad i couldn’t have both my given name and that name. being trans this is hilarious to me now so wondering

also curious how this intersects with being trans!! i feel like my fixation with it definitely had a lot to do with that, so idk add in tags? if you feel like being trans makes you more/less curious about it

#poll #you can ignore this but i AM curious #my might-have-been name was darcy 🫠🫠 my mom likes austen #but did she have to wet rag boy code me like that??#prophetic though i am shit at parties and wet with rain

23K notes · View notes

littlelightfish · 11 months ago

Text

Does... does this implies that... Chilchuck is the tallest of them all...? If they were all haflings, it's oficial that yes. Now, look at me play my game.

Chilchuck is said to be tall for a hafling, and he is. The avarage would be 100 cms, and he's 110 Laios is a tallman, but he's also tall for his race (the average height is 180cm for men, he's 185).

Marcille is 160 (elves are 150 and tall men 170, so we good here, I'd say she's average too). Sehshi is 140, he's actually taller than the average for male dwarves (135). And Itzusumi is shorter than the avatage of female tallmen (170), being only 150.

So far, if they all changed to the same race at the same time, Itzusumi would always be the shortest, followed my marcille. Senshi and Laios should be around the same height since theyre both 5 cms taller than the avarage (I know that as haflings Laios is taller, maybe he keeps being taller than Senshi just because). And Chilchuck would be the tallest. He's 10 cms taller than the avarage of his race after all.

Might this useless information hunt you until the end of your days.

#dungeon meshi #chilchuck #chilchuck tims #senshi of izganda #senshi #marcille donato #Marcille #itsuzumi #dunmeshi #dungeon meshi spoilers #delicious in dungeon #guys why the hell did you liked this post so much #i feel honored but what #my shit

13K notes · View notes

krussyarts · 3 months ago

Text

Family

7K notes · View notes

musubiki · 6 months ago

Text

my favorite fields of mistria boys 🥰

#fom #fields of mistria #march #balor #art #fanart #not much to tag tbh #i do like march too but balor still takes the cake for me #i know i said that other one was my last fanart but i wanted to doodle march he looks easy to draw #and then balor happened too i cant help it #i just restarted the game im taking it slower this time #i really wish the dragonguard heist plan didnt fall through #cuz i wouldve loved to have isa just go try and grab balors keys #hehe #anyway march is canonically jacked right #not as much as his brother but he has the arms right #appearently balors eyes are brown but i have no idea what color marchs eyes are supposed to be #they just look black #love that the children are always on about balor being so mysterious #so real let me join the dragonguards #the amazing thing to me about balor is that i just did not give a shit about him in the promo art up until i met him in-game #like i saw him in the promos and was like cool whatever ill probably go for march...until i actually met him

7K notes · View notes

heartorbit · 4 months ago

Text

if we could stay connected, just like this

#ok last orbit niigo post im emubrained again and also i miss leoneed #project sekai #pjsk #prsk #mizuki5 spoilers #proseka #mizuki akiyama #mizu5 #nightcord at 25:00 #hurray !#meltdown released an amazing translation of the event so i read it and had my final cathartic transgender cry about it #and now i have ~4 assignments due on friday so i have to stop drawing mizuki. sad.#i recommend everyone watch meltdown's translation #please. its very good and better than the mtls floating around #i Get why people wanted to see it translated asap like i Get it i didnt understand half of the wordplay or kanji but like . wah #its so crazy how this event breached containment n how many people are rooting for mizuki even tho they dont play the game so i just #think its a shame that the translation everyones reading isnt really accurate/lacks the nuances.. Ok sorrynits a good event.#ive just been thinking abiut that for a few days and i love talking in tags. Adios #real Orbit heads will know this is an Heartorbit reference (that tarot card sketch i did almost 2 years ago and said i would finish)#(i havent finished shit)

4K notes · View notes

cozylittleartblog · 2 years ago

Text

not that we didn't already Know belos was full of shit, but it's even funnier knowing the titan was still alive the whole time and probably judging him

#toh #the owl house #emperor belos #papa titan #the titan #art #doodles #comic #fanart #watching and dreaming #captioned #brief visit to ye olde days of memeing on belos... those still get spread around #i hope the titan saw him get his shit stomped in before they passed on #like yes luz was right there but did the titan actually get to see it. i hope so #shoulda been broadcast on penstagram too #there's a piece of fanart i wanted to draw after. i think o titan where art thou. but i never got around to it #because it had animation in it. and im regretting it now #maybe i will finally do it. and something else too #the whole titan reveal brings with it a lot of tropes and ideas that absolutely destroy me personally #and i need to Draw about it #edit - thank you anistarrose for the caption!#''he wasn't Really alive'' you're right they were a secret third thing. the heart still beats. they were still Somewhere #but it's easier to just say Alive. it's not Technically wrong #i try to keep my captions short ok

59K notes · View notes

morganbritton132 · 5 months ago

Text

17 year old, CEO Tim Drake canceling a press conference and then putting out a statement like, “Sorry for canceling last min, Alfred said that he was going to run my laptop through the dishwasher if I didn’t clean my room. I think he’d do it :/. Also, wasn’t really in the mood. Cya -Tim.”

#I love teen ceo Tim drake so much and he’s not even canon #there are a lot of angsty fics and I love them but I think there’s such a potential for comedy #WE employees gain thousands of followers just live-tweeting the insane shit he does every day #‘CEO probs not putting out statement about new tech bc I just watched his brother pull him kicking and screaming out of the building’#‘found my ceo sleeping in the elevator again’#‘head of R&D just asked me decipher an email at the CEO sent to him. it reads like gen z word salad’#‘Tim Drake is a wonderful boss. he did just ask me if I wanna see him ollie. it was pretty sick’#Tim drake #ceo tim drake #alfred pennyworth

4K notes · View notes

icestorming · 1 year ago

Text

- oh.

#hazbin hotel #angel dust #husker hazbin hotel #huskerdust #cherry bomb #my art #i will never again draw Husk doing cat things because he doesn't like it and I respected a furry #i did this 2 days ago I AM A CLOWN #I have so many ideas I am full of shit

10K notes · View notes

footlongdingledong · 2 years ago

Text

#titanic #stock market #logitech #oceangate #usually I Do Not Do things like this but uh. Yeah .this is prrrroabbly going to end up triggering the shit out of someone maybe #The stocks did actually plummet though I think but no lawsuit

34K notes · View notes

renesassing · 26 days ago

Text

alex hirsch + friends charity draw-a-thon highlights

jason ritter (dipper's va) showing his almonds to the audience during the 40-60 minutes of technical issues at the start of the stream

kristen schaal (mabel's va) alternating between very sweet and heartfelt bits about how art and the joy you find in it should never leave you regardless of what you do and supporting all of the people around her and then being crabby about screens and technology to the point where they start a bit about her playing the unabomber

jason constantly switching out his hats

billford drawing

alex hirsch: "i don't know what a jerma is. how old do you think i am?"

jason's honestly amazing performance of chappell roan's pink pony club

alex explaining to kristen that people thirst for stanford pines, ft. matt braly (director on gravity falls, creator of amphibia, and resident tech support + artist on the stream) casually breaking down ford's appeal (j.k. simmon's recording immediately followed this bit)

kristen doing multiple bits lowkey involving doxxing alex hirsch

jason wearing a model wirt head

kristen's 'gravity falls musical' that she wrote an hour before the stream in the car

j.k. simmons' recording of ford reading thirst posts being labelled "INSANE MESSAGE.wav" on alex hirsch's computer

everyone drawing waddles

matt: "can i see nosferatu if i haven't seen nosfera-one?"

alex as grunkle stan and kristen as mabel singing defying gravity from wicked, ft. mabel calling stan a bitch and yelling "the FUCKING wizard"

cut pages from the book of bill, including a honestly really cool diagram of bill's 'anatomy' that was cut for time

the ship wheel begetting alex hirsch drawing walter white/wolverine

the really cute drawing of dipper and mabel as link and zelda

jason almost saying 'selfcest' cause of the chat (in reference to steve/steve) and just stopping at 'self' like four times

jason and kristen singing espresso by sabrina carpenter

alex casually mentioning that matt apparently keeps trying to trick him into reading the entire script of the iron giant in his grunkle stan voice

#gravity falls #it was honestly a very funny time #they were very clearly overwhelmed by the turnout + donations in the beginning #rené.txt #just adding like. there was a bunch of other very funny shit that i did not include just bc i didnt want to make the post long

2K notes · View notes