#Just some middle of the night thoughts
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Randomly thinking about ātolerate itā (narrator voice: it was not random) and how under the cloak of fiction it is ostensibly inspired by works like āRebeccaā (which Taylor said she read during the 2020 lockdowns I believe?), with the line of āyouāre so much older and wiserā indicating that the speaker is significantly younger and inexperienced compared to the person sheās speaking to and a pretty direct reference to the plot of the book.
But I saw something somewhere once that stuck with me about how it might not be referring to relative age between the characters but chronological age as in the passage of time in a relationship. And that made me think about how in a contemporary context, it might not necessarily be referencing an actual age gap between the two characters, but rather a sarcastic or cynical response to the manās claims that he has matured (āyouāre so much older and wiser [than you were before/than you were when we met/etc.]ā), which then made me think about that line in relation to the woman. And that it could be taken like, āyou act like youāve matured so much in our time together and like you know everything, while Iām supposedly still stuck as the girl I was when we first met.ā
Which then made me think of the āright where you left meā of it all and did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen time went on for everyone else she wonāt know it and the bit in Miss Americana where she talks about how celebrities get frozen at the age at which they got famous, and how sheās had to play catch up in a lot of ways not just in her emotional growth but kind of in general. (Which also made me wonder if sheās ever been called out for immaturity/lack of curiosity/lack of education about things in her lifeā¦)
Which then made me think about the rest of the song, and @taylortrutherās posts yesterday about āsevenā and āDaylightā and the way Taylor idealizes her youth yet contrasts it with an almost sinister reality in its wake, and the line, āI sit by the door like Iām just a kid,ā because the discussion raised that her relationship let her recapture some of the childlike joy and wonder sheād lost. So this line is a double-edged sword: the speaker sits by the door with childlike hope that the person will come home and cherish her, but on the darker side, feels like the child dealing with the monsters she doesnāt have names for yet and the feelings of isolation she felt as she aged.
Iām not saying the song is necessarily autobiographical; like most of the songs on folkmore, itās clearly a fictionalized story based on media sheād consumed and created, but we know a lot of the fictional songs were infused with her own feelings and experiences andā¦ This idea swirling in my head picked up steam and now I kind of canāt stop thinking about it. Sorry but Iām a little obsessed now.
Like maybe it might start to shed light on why she identified so strongly with the novel in the first placeā¦
#the third eye has been opened#šµāš«#like tolerate it was always a difficult song#even when we learned it was based on Rebecca it obviously took on new meaning post-joever#and especially in light of ttpd#but the thought spiral i went on last night when i started thinking about all these connections#and the evermore of it all#Iām Charlie at the conspiracy board again#writing letters addressed to the fire#me thinking too hard about Taylor lyrics#evermore my beloved#tolerate it#i kinda gave myself the ick with all this šµāš«#because of the ttpd of it all coming up#and i feel like i remember interviews where Taylor said joe was so well-read especially about like world events and politics and stuff#and supported her when she wanted to start speaking up (not getting into that)#but just based on ~vibes now I wonder if that was like a sore point too at some point#which again i have no proof of but just likeā¦ experience with pretentious millennial art bros lol#oh man oh man oh man#this feels like some sort of huge revelation at 1:00 am#when i started writing this lol#eta: when I queued this in the middle of the night i didn't see all the excellent discussion about the seven/folklore posts#so all of you who have been posting about them this morning consider yourselves tagged too!
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#high potential#high potential abc#morgan gillory#adam karadec#my gifs#again. no will not post my gifs at normal times. i do my best work in the middle of the night thats just who i am as a person#also again please feel free to let me know if anything looks off or if you have any suggestions for how to make my gifs better :P#im still learning but im having a lot more fun than i thought i would.#like im having enough fun that im willing to put up with how slow my computer is <3#i will probably gif other shows at some point but bigger fandoms scare me. so#high potential 1x03
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growing up is like, every single thing you thought would be so complicated and unmanageable and unthinkably difficult turns out to be, actually, pretty simple. and every single thing you thought was so simple and easy to understand and how come adults donāt get this turns out to be painfully hard to deal with, to actually understand and internalize.
the thing you thought you had all figured outāsomehow, you forget the right way to handle it. the thing you thought would dictate the course of your entire life, the thing you thought would ruin you foreverāyou move on in 2 months. the worst thing to ever happen to you hasnāt caught up yet. maybe it never will. maybe life shouldnāt be based on which worst thing happens when.
a hobby you thought would be a silly one-off becomes an all-time favorite. a genre you could never see yourself getting into can offer you the best story youāve ever experienced. an inherent belief you thought youād never budge on starts getting cracks. a person youāve only ever seen in passing and had short conversations with can become your closest three, five, seven years later.
everything you thought about yourself can turn out to be wrong. youāll get better in ways you didnāt know you could. youāll slip and fall just as much, get new scrapes along the way as you survive yet another mess of a job, a situation, a relationship. it might be fear, or it might be happiness when youāll look at yourself in the mirror and not recognize who it is.
so yeah, i guess, if i had to describe what growing up feels like, i could say iām closer to figuring my life out, or iām even more lost than before, or that itās like a rebirth, iām becoming a new person, iām finally getting to know myself, or the many, many other things people say when you ask them.
and theyāre all right, of courseāthe future you dreamed for yourself at age 12 is no longer there to guide you anymore, but sometimes it does feel like you see things clearer, like the pieces occasionally click in your head even if you can never comprehend the puzzle. youāre still who you were at your core, but youāre also starting to peel back the layers, to find such things that you never even imagined could be you.
so yeah, i guess, growing up is all of those things and more. it never stops to wait for you to realize itās happening. itās changing, changing in a way you can never anticipate, changing in a way that will simultaneously ache deeply and make you the happiest youāve ever been. itās the most complex, most intricate experience a human could have.
but, like most complicated things, itās also actually pretty simple.
i meanāitās just plain fun, isnāt it?
#at the risk of sounding triteāi used to think i had relationships and mental health down to a T when i was a kid. i could seeeee it allllll#and i mean i very much mightāve had it all figured out! because middle school relationships are famously not that complex (most of the time)#so i guess back then i really could see it all. i handled all the conflicts and navigated what i could and just went with the flow#then you grow up and people change and *you* change and itās like ohhhh. My world was so small#my world was so small and now with each day i expand it inch by inch and itās just *exciting*. itās just fun.#with each day i feel more and more like a person. like iām taking up more space in this world and so are the people around me. i love it#crammerposting#so yes here is some random poetic late night writing for u. doing this shit instead of what i should Actually be writing#but iāve been having these thoughts for a while. growing up is sooo (trails off forever)#looking over this again and it just reads like Such an inkskinned post#can u tell i am a huge fan of their work yet
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Waking up orders in House of Lamentation:
cw: no proof-head, just some random thoughts, grammar errors here and there
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1/ Beelzebub - always the first one to wake up before everyone else because heās hungry, Ā also because of his morning work-out routine, usually wakes up at 5 or 5:30 never later. goes to the kitchen first so he can prepares his work-out snack and has his 1st breakfast of the day. takes the advantage of waking up early to sneak into your room so you two can have some morning cuddles (sometimes just to find mammon on your bed).Ā
2/ Satan - this perfect man has his day scheduled duh, he has plan, he need to be perfect in order to beat Lucifer. Waking up at 6am, maybe sooner than Beel if heās on breakfast duty (he want to make sure 1) Beel doesnāt digest all the breakfast ingredient 2) he must make better breakfast than Lucifer) . Starting his day with a cup of coffee and a good book after finishing his morning routine. Heās usually the one who goes to everyoneās room to wake everyone up, makes sure they all get to school on time so they donāt ruin the familyās reputation (which honestly is ruined at this point) by being late (also because he likes to take care for his family members but he will never admit).
3/ Lucifer - Asmodeus - Mammon: most likely to wake up at the same time.Ā
Lucifer: heās not a morning person. waking up early is a no no but he has his duty. usually pulls an all nighter and then leaves early because he has works to do, also usually skips breakfast (āI donāt have time to eat breakfastā is his excuse). donāt you worry, Mammon will make his older brother eat probably, thatās his specialty. In case Lucifer has a rest day, he sleeps ātil noon and Mammon will also make sure that no one canāt in interrupt his sleep. this man never get enough sleep, so itās not unusual to see him knocks off on his paperworks.
Mammon: heās not Luciferās most trusted brother for nothing. sometimes his breakfast sucks but not always, he knows how to make a edible breakfast. usually wakes up later than Beel and Satan but most time heās earlier than Lucifer if Lucifer finishes his works after 2 in the morning and be able to get a few hours good sleep. the other one besides satan make sure everyone eat their breakfast properly and goes to school properly (heās the second eldest cāmon). most time when he goes to bed late the night before (because of his parties, part-time jobs or modeling gig, night outā¦) he ends up overslept. take a really long time to get up from bed, you or one of his brother have to drag him out of bed.Ā
Asmodeus - Satan wakes him up every morning, refuses to get out of bed if it's not you or Satan the one who wake him but wakes up eventually cuz he can't skip his morning bath and skin care routine (his older brother always complains but it becomes a habit for both of them now). HE HAS HIS MORNING ROUTINE AND RITUAL AND BATH AND EVERYTHING. take a really long time to prepare in the morning. also he always make sure to goes to bed before 11pm and has an at least 8-hour sleep, you know, have to get enough sleep to maintain this beautiful skin.
4/ Leviathan: first of all, he does virtual schooling. second, āone more episode/round/chapter and i go to bed then end up stay awake til 5 in the morningā type - when Beel wakes up is when he goes to sleep. canāt get out of bed. on days he doesnāt have to be at school, he wakes up at 10 and starts his virtual schooling. on days he has to be at school, Mammon and Satan will make sure heās on time. however, he still shows up late at breakfast then has to get his breakfast at school cuz Beel eats his portion every fucking morning,Ā
5/ Belphegor: heās avatar of sloth. may wakes up earlier than Levi but goes back to sleep immediately. Beel has to carry him to the dining hall to make sure he has his breakfast (and sometimes carry him to school). Doesnāt matter he wakes up early or not, he goes to school to sleep to be honest.Ā
#obey me#obey me satan#obey me mammon#obey me lucifer#obey me leviathan#obey me belphegor#obey me headcanon#obey me beelzebub#obey me asmodeus#the demon brothers' waking up order#some morning habits too#just some random headcanons i make in the middle of the night#so many grammar errors#no beta we die like lilith but i don't think my random thoughts need beta btw#the demon brothers morning habits#yes im biased mammon and satan#pls don't take this seriously
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Not forgiving yall for making me believe Price was a proper Tired Old Manā¢. What do you MEAN he is canonically 38/39 š
and what do you mean Soap is like? 27? sir you are but wee boy. where are your parents.
#like. i get it. i do. he has the vibes#also ya know. being captain and spending time in a whole ass gulag will add about 30 years to you#EVEN SO!!!#i've been here for what. 2 weeks? if that? and everywhere i look Price is the hot middle aged dilf who looks well into his 50s#AND HE ISN'T EVEN 40??? A YOUNG LAD!! THAT'S EVEN MORE TRAGIC OMG???#i do agree those weird sideburns do NOT help. wasn't too keen on them but. i see it now i do. he pulls them off#i was doing some Researchā¢ and like. what do you mean Soap is my age ššššššššššš#they are all SO much younger than i thought omg. which like. okay! fandom and all absolutely 100% fair#(this is NOT me romanticising irl military btw. looking at this through a fictional lens because irl military is. hm. well.#not going into the details of systemic corruption and how unfairly privileged they are)#like. i just wanna wrap him in a blankie and have him take a long nap#all of then really but omg Price NEEDS it#not me getting all soft about some pixels š ANYWAYS!#i am writing this at [ungodly hours of the night] so excuse me if this makes 0 sense. gonna schedule for a less offensive time of the day#anyways x2#captain john price#cod#cod mw
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once again wondering why tim thought that visiting his clearly spiraling boyfriend as robin to interrogate him about the chaos monsters instead of coming over as tim first was a good idea
#nah cause like#walk me through your thought process here tim#i just need to know where you were going with this line of action?#bc like#u show up at his apt in the middle of the night#not even alone. with batwoman mind you#and you start questioning him? 'almost sacrificed by the cult' bernard?#like lets have some decorum#lets have some propriety#bernard dowd#tim drake#timbern#dc
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i donāt know if moving has made my mental health better or worse
#on one hand i feel less suffocated and iām able to sit through my obsessive thoughts without feeling anxious to act on them which is a huge#relief but on the other hand i feel every day is the same and itās all so repetitive and i donāt have the energy to do things i would#normally be able to#and i keep waking up in the middle of the night or i tend to sleep too early and wake up so late and itās so annoying#and itās the same thing as the last day every day so i just donāt want to be here anymore and im ok w that bc i dont feel anything these#days save for some special occasions#but at least i donāt feel suffocated and trapped anymore š#ok well i do feel trapped but its better than im my old home#mehak.exe
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My dad rewatching the FNaF movie with me: So that guy's the killer right?
Me: Yes! I'm kind of disappointed he's no longer British
My dad: He's no longer What
#I just thought matthew lillard doing a British accent would be funny#Loved the practical effects and everything#soundtrack was s tier#there's a slow middle section of the movie#but it was good!#I justified that phone guy was absent because the logical thing to do when you hear#'the bite of 87'#and 'its amazing the human body can live without the frontal lobe'#is to put in your 3 weeks notice and get out of there#despite what some people say I thought the dream sequences were a pretty neat way to extend the amount of time mike spends at the pizzeria!#because again when you find out the animatronics move by themselves its time to gtfo#i do think when vanessa threatened him with the rooty tooty mcshooty he should have probably quit#but you know can't have everything#these tags are getting long lets wrap this up#fnaf spoilers#fnaf tag#fnaf movie#five nights at freddy's#fnaf#ramblings of a stranger#special interest tag
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ęÆę©
#Ugly drawing#Idk#I just thought of this#Of dreams I used to have#Of the disappointment in the middle of the night#Also was thinking about strawberries for some reason#transgender#skyekurisu#Don't expect more drawings
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the reason walter bob and the other workers don't have a face [click read more]
IDEA: AU [?] where qjaiden worked with the federation in terms of design . in search of some feedback from her higher up, jaiden followed cucurucho to a "harmless" area
. Next thing she knows, there's an alarm blaring and a train arrival.
(did cucurucho lead her there on purpose? who knows :] ! )
#qsmp#qsmp jaiden#qsmp fanart#ok so i thought this thru#(in the middle of the night) (as my own bedtime story)#and in this au i can only see a few people in the island working w rhe federation#qjaiden - design#qvegetta - sponsor (got to keep some of his memories)#qdan......Honestly no idea why. i think it makes sense (āāākilledāāā off early to keep working behind the scenes) ..engineer???? idk#elq well thats a bit obvious#qsmp au#what does this count as actually#also i drew this all like in 15 mins just had to get the idea out#mmyashas art
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"come with us to see caiaphas you'll just love the high priest's house" and then why is annas at the high priest's house in the middle of the night š¤Øšø
#jesus christ superstar#got some sleep and now i can coherently verbalize thoughts after watching jcs twice in one day#but i just realized. how they go to caiaphas' house..... in the middle of the night..... and annas is just there i guess#did you guys know btw that jesus' trial at the sanhedrin was illegal. cause it was in the middle of the night.
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every single time without fail if i look at a scene and im like "oh this scene is so pretty itll be so easy to gif" it turns out to be the most impossible ugly horrible gif ive ever created. why
#bro this is about time of fever. genuinely the most gorgeous color grading ever and for some reason i thought i literally forgot how ot gif#when i was trying to make sets for it because i hated everything.#i genuinely scrapped so much i thought i didnt know how to gif anymore. but also it was 5 am#and i had just finished watching it and again it was 5 am so i dont even know why i started working on anything. hyperfocus is a#hell of a drug.#fivemind#i need kiru to wake up so i stop using tumblr posting like a diary in the middle of the night
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ancient dwarven murals depicting elves?? šš
#laya reads dragon age#tevinter nights spoilers#question is. what elves? mythal? does it have something to do with the creation of darkspawn?#im just throwing thoughts at a wall here dont mind me#(and also please dont answer in case there is a clear answer xdd i am still in the middle of reading)#edit: OH or. ghilan'nain maybe??#with her whole. abyss business and creating fucked up beasts n shit#why would there be *newly* mutated darkspawn though?? is there some sort of leaking magic or are they old as hell and just now emerging?#edit edit: oop i think i mixed up ghilan'nain and andruil re: the whole blight business BUT my prediction still worked xdd
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the latest 666 update has been haunting me all morning lmao
#literally started making a mind map of my thoughts in class#eurgh Iām so busy today but I will try to organize my ideas at some point#prince you never fail to make me realize things I didnāt even know were there to be realized lmao#this specific angst is so disturbing and delicious to me and I canāt tell if I feel sick or excited#it also changed my perspective on this alastor and vox a lot?#idk I read it in the middle of the night so maybe Iām grossly misinterpreting#but alastor seemingly knowing that he wants to make vox happy#but not having the typical instincts for how to get there (and thus doing things that range anywhere from slightly strange to#absolutely horrific)#is kind of everything to me#ough and the fear of being disgusting to your partner from vox#digging his nails into the wound by testing whether alastor was okay with what they did#AUGH theyāre both just so perfectly broken#hazbin hotel#velvetrambles
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#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling#every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair#i am really struggling this time#every day is a struggle to get through#i'm losing my hair#i'm losing my reasons to live#i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human#i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke#i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart#whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor#and that i should do some shit to make me happy#and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids#for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon#like this isn't a way to live a life#i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy#i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point#i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over#if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there#i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something#i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me#i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager#i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes#and i want the will to actually get up in the morning#i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better#but i realize now they won't#i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them#i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh#and no one's coming to save me#i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody#is this how it's supposed to be
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Every time I see videos about or hear someone say that they think they donāt look good, and Iām just thinking āwhat the fuck are you taking aboutā I wonder if anyone thinks that way about me because it really is that weāre blind to our own beauty but not each others
#I see beauty in literally everyone#but not in my self for some reason#itās to the point where Iām starting to think thatās just the way I see myself and just me#ofc no one is going to find every single human attractive or whatever#but Iāve never looked at someone and thought those horrible things I think about myself#I wonder what goes on in everyone elseās heads#random post#ooc post#surprisingly not in the middle of the night#itās probably body dysmorphia#tw mentions of body dysmorphia#bc thereās no way the girl I literally envy for her looks is thinking that about herself#yet I know she does#and I donāt get it#I swear#thereās beauty in everyone#inside and out#I donāt have it in me to think anyone is 100% bad#even if itās 99% I just canāt#teenager#girlhood#thoughts#random observations#no but I actually donāt know what I look like#one day I look like this and the next I look like that#body posititivity
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