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homespork-review · 5 years ago

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Homespork Act 4, Part 2: Flight of the Paradox Groans

BRIGHT: Remember Spades Slick being bizarrely aware he was in a comic, back in the Intermission? Buckle up, things are about to get even more fourth-wall-breaking. Appropriately, this starts by the comic focusing on an actual fourth wall, which activates to show...Andrew Hussie.

Hussie’s MS Paint avatar notices the audience watching him, laments that his side of the wall doesn’t have an off switch, and then recaps the first year of Homestuck.

Now, in all fairness: The recap is thorough, full of links, and explains things fairly well. It’s quite long, but given how much territory it has to cover I’m not sure it could be any shorter. So it does its job well, and it’s a boon if you’re getting lost with the plot.

As for the author insertion...on this occasion I don’t mind it. It comes across as tongue-in-cheek, but framed more as the author talking to the reader than as the author inserting himself into the narrative. It’s definitely very Homestuck.

Anyway, AH gets back to work, and after a couple of false starts we return to John!

John is still flying around with his jet pack. GC trolls him to offer him a world map of LOWAS and tell him she feels awful about killing him, although in literally the next line she tells him that technically he never even died so she doesn’t understand why he’s so upset. John understandably finds this disturbing. They have a brief nonsensical discussion about Jesus/Jegus, and then John agrees to go take a look at what’s on the other side of his Second Gate. Yes, on the advice of someone whose previous advice got him killed.

CHEL: Almost a shame we didn’t set up a Too Dumb To Live count, but then to be fair that was a separate timeline and he’s probably not thinking of it as something that “really” happened. This is supported by his later dialogue.

FAILURE ARTIST: The word Jegus is really popular in the Homestuck fandom, used far more often than it is in the canon. Gets quite annoying, in my opinion. Actually, a rather Jesus-like figure does appear, but he’s not called “Jegus”.

CHEL: Yeah, I think only Terezi, John, and Dave ever use the term, but it somehow became latched onto as an actual term used by trolls in general, even though in canon it isn’t.

BRIGHT: Fortunately, this time GC appears to be playing nice. John flies though the Second Gate and emerges...into LOLAR?

FAILURE ARTIST: Hussie does an amusing trick where he has what looks like a loading screen for a flash but it’s actually a still image eternally at 2%.

BRIGHT: Yes, it’s LOLAR. John promptly crashes into Rose’s house, smashing through a wall and into her bedroom, where Rose is still snoozing in her knitting pile. Apart from briefly being stuck upside down, he does not appear injured by this collision.

Rose has somehow slept through the commotion. John decides to let her rest and borrows her computer to talk to Dave.

The first one he talks to is actually Davesprite, who points out how moronic John was to listen to GC again. No arguments here! Then he explains how the Gate system works: Odd-numbered Gates, above players’ houses, lead to somewhere on their planets. Even-numbered Gates lead to other players’ planets, exiting over their houses. Normally they aren’t meant to go through even-numbered Gates until the houses are built up, so they don’t fall to their deaths, but fortunately John has a jetpack workaround. So far Davesprite is living up to his promise of being straightforward.

John realises he’s talking to Future Dave, and asks “do you think i could talk to the real dave for a second?”

...ouch, John.

Davesprite goes off on a tear, ranting that he is a real Dave — arguably the realest Dave, since he’s been running around LOHAC for months trying to get enough information to save everyone. John apologises sincerely.

CHEL: This won’t be the last we hear of this theme, though.

EB: i think i pissed off your future self. TG: what did you do EB: i said he wasn't the real dave. TG: ahahahahaha EB: i think i might have really hurt his feelings though! TG: pff TG: dont worry about it EB: why not? TG: cause i wouldnt give a shit TG: and hes me

BRIGHT: Not a hundred percent sure I believe Dave, there.

CHEL: Dave uses John to snoop around Rose’s room and get the captcha code for her journals. Classy, Dave. Not a SLAMMER point, however, as this does come back to bite him very soon.

Rose’s dreamself has awoken on Derse, the purple planet, and flies across to the opposite tower. Dave’s dreamself appears to be awake, sitting upright in his computer chair; the room is entirely an unsettling bloody red colour apart from the SBaHJ cartoons on the walls, and… oh shit, there’s Lil Cal again, now in a long purple nightdress and hopping around the room on his own. If Rose was having nightmares because of dreamself issues, I can only imagine how Dave’s nightmares must look. Rose throws a ball of yarn at Dave’s dreamself, alerting him, and causing the awake Dave to pass out.

Back in Rose’s room, it seems that Charles Barkley quote was not misattributed:

FAILURE ARTIST: Another SBaHJ reference in the book quote. Is that where Dave got it?

Still, I don’t recall this book ever coming up again. Just another item that seems like a Chekhov's Gun but isn’t.

CHEL: John feels guilty about opening his birthday gift from Rose, but reasons that it’s technically now his anyway, so he does, finding another bunny, this one black and filthy-looking except for the pristine knitted purple patches repairing it, though its shape is eerily familiar.

The gift in this box is a resurrection. I used your present to thread life anew into a tattered heirloom. As long as I can remember, its black, greasy appendages have been tethered limply to its ratty, porous carriage. Too delicate to wash, too dear to discard. I used to love this rabbit. Now he's yours. I trust you'll find this to be adequately sentimental. Happy birthday.

Oh my gosh, awwwwww. Even if you don’t ship them romantically how can you not love their interactions? Definitely one of the comic’s strong points. Also I need to go hug my childhood teddy bear.

John puts the bunny back in the box again and the box in his sylladex, freeing Casey the salamander while he’s at it. And let’s just take a minute to feel utter horror because dead John still had Casey in his sylladex, so the best option is that she died too, and the worst is that we have an And I Must Scream situation on for a baby salamander. Gah.

FAILURE ARTIST: Thanks, I’d never thought of that and I never want to again.

You aren't actually sure if she is a girl though. You don't even know if salamanders can be girls. Aren't they hermaphrodites or something?

CHEL: No, for the record. Though some frogs can switch from one to the other.

FAILURE ARTIST: Casey is very popular as a name for an OC child of John (often having Rose as the mother).

CHEL: John answers Rose’s Pesterchum, upon which GA is half-heartedly sending antagonistic messages. John answers on Rose’s account, saying that Rose is asleep, which GA takes for Human Sarcasm, prompting John to pretend to be Rose.

GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like. TT: you look kind of like... TT: howie mandel from little monsters.

Wait, how does he know? Am I forgetting a point at which he saw them?

BRIGHT: I always assumed that he was just goofing around and his guess happened to land in the right ballpark, but thinking about it, I’m not sure the kids ever express surprise at the trolls’ appearance.

CHEL: John, pretending to be Rose, talks about how awesome John is.

GA: He Is Either The Leader Of Your Party Or You Hold Whatever The Human Equivalent Of Mating Fondness For Him Is

CHEL: Both. Both is good!

FAILURE ARTIST: Knowing what we do of troll culture later this is an odd statement. Heck, it’s just an odd statement. Maybe this is why people think trolls don’t do friendship.

CHEL: John apparently confuses GA by saying it’s because Rose is thoughtful and John appreciates his gift, and suggests GA talk to John.

TT: why don't you pick the time that will make the most complicated mess out of everything imaginable?

GA sounds very annoyed, and leaves, intending to have the conversation with John that she had previously. We see her, GC, and the horns of AT and an unknown troll in the grey room, now revealed to be a computer laboratory. For some reason she chats via Pesterchum with another troll instead of just walking over to talk to them. This new troll is twinArmageddons, an appropriate name for the circumstances, who type2 iin yellow text liike thii2; he is, as it turns out, the hacker guy GC mentioned earlier. TA is busy setting up the network and seems irritable in general, and is not willing to help GA work her viewport.

TA: iif ii 2ee one more 2narl of wiire2. TA: kiind of juttiing out and beiing tangled or whatever. TA: ii am goiing two perform 2ome 2ort of athletiic fuckiing 2omer2ault off the deep end and get a call from the pre2iident or 2ome 2hiit.

Nice callback, but trolls, as we’ll later find out, don’t have presidents.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 14

GA wonders why TA doesn’t want to talk to her, and TA complains that he knew in advance the trolls were doomed and no one believed him. He refuses to troll the humans himself but is setting up the system so the others can in order to get them to leave him alone. GA asks again for help, to no avail.

TA: iif you cant fiigure 2hiit out by fuckiing around you dont belong near computer2. TA: kiind of liike wiith regii2tered 2ex offender2 and 2chool2. TA: iif you move two a new town you have two go up two your neiighbor2 door and warn them about how 2tupiid you are. TA: and giive them a chance two hiide all theiir iinnocent technology. TA: and vandaliize your hou2e.

Ooh, a threefer plus one! Tacky simile for the Problematykks. As for WSP, we’ll later find out that 1) trolls kill all their criminals, 2) trolls don’t give a shit about the welfare of their children, and 3) trolls don’t appear to actually go to school. These two counts are neck and neck in the lead now!

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 17 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 17

BRIGHT: As with much of Homestuck, the trolls give the impression of being made up as Hussie went along. That’s not entirely a bad thing -- it certainly makes the comic pretty unique -- but it does lead to some out-of-place slip-ups.

Anyway, GA chucks her F1 key at TA’s head and then starts poking him. We also see CG in the lab.

FAILURE ARTIST: I think I recall GA/TA were a popular ship before we learned more about GA. It does seem like they have a Rose & Dave dynamic going on.

BRIGHT: Back on Derse, Rose and Dave have a dance party to Dave’s music while accompanied by some crows and Lil Cal, who keeps teleporting around the room. Rose eventually gets tired of Cal’s shenanigans and hurls him out of the window, to the relief of many.

FAILURE ARTIST: The flash originally included music by Bill Bolin. In fact, it was his unfinished music being included here that caused all the drama in the first place.

BRIGHT: Time for some random interludes! First up is Maplehoof the pony, who is following Rose’s mother through a large cave which, judging by the grist lying around, recently contained very dangerous monsters.

FAILURE ARTIST: Apparently pets can collect grist for their masters...and know what grist is despite being a normal(?) animal.

BRIGHT: First Mom, and then Maplehoof, stand on a transportaliser platform and disappear. Second is Dad, who has just acquired a replacement shoe and hat (which showed up in the walkaround game, way back at the beginning of the Act), when he encounters a familiar-looking stranger with a Colonel Sassacre book, who leads him to another transportalizer platform. Both of these interludes do become relevant later, but at the time they seem a tad unnecessary.

Meanwhile, John uses Rose’s alchemiter and a code Davesprite gave him mid-rant to produce a truly epic hammer called FEAR NO ANVIL. It’s far too big for John to wield, but fortunately he can use the scaling upgrade on the alchemiter to reduce it to a more useable size. ...wait. When did Rose’s alchemiter get a scaling upgrade? Dave and Jade added a lot of modifications to his, but Rose’s should be the original edition. Sigh.

EB: so what is this? EB: the thing the code made... TG: really powerful hammer EB: how do you know? EB: i thought you couldn't use hammers. TG: i cant TG: better be though TG: got it from hephaestus EB: who's that? TG: really tough to kill dude EB: you killed him for it? TG: nope EB: how'd you get it then? TG: shenanigans EB: ok.

...and we’re back to sprite evasiveness. Davesprite is being less than forthcoming here, although it’s less obvious than with Nannasprite because it superficially imitates John and Dave’s bantering.

CHEL: Now, this would be a good way of keeping us interested if we were eventually going to see how he did it, and also they have a time limit, so not going off into a long anecdote would be understandable. However, we’ll see how his evasiveness level proceeds in the future.

BRIGHT: Dream Rose and Dave see John using Rose’s alchemiter on Dream Dave’s computer. Rose wakes up.

FAILURE ARTIST: It is interesting how early Homestuck avoided having characters have face-to-face conversations. Would have been unique if it kept up throughout the entire comic.

BRIGHT: Back in the meteor, GA hassles TA into opening the viewport on her computer. This turns out to be as simple as clicking on the point in Rose’s timeline that she wants to see. No wonder TA was frustrated!

Of course, by this point, the only one left in the room is Rose, now awake, and the young salamander. Rose hurries to catch up with John, but he blasts off to explore before she can reach him, taking her mutated kitten with him.

CHEL: John renames Vodka Mutini to Dr Meowgon Spengler, and Rose renames Casey to Viceroy Bubbles von Salamancer. Interesting link to the themes of identities which are starting to crop up, though it’s not really a direct analogue. The animals are the same animals with different names; the alternate timeline characters have the same names and superficially the same identities, but are they really the same people after their new experiences?

BRIGHT: Back on Derse, Lil Cal inexplicably lands on a stray rocket board, catching the attention of AR.

You're not sure which laws are being broken, but it is probably a lot.

AR follows Cal to yet another transportaliser, and they both dematerialise.

We jump back to John, who spies a boat on one of the islands dotting LOLAR and lands to investigate. He follows hoofprints in the sand into a subterranean hallway filled with monsters. Fortunately his new hammer has time powers, which stun the monsters long enough for John to kill them. Further on, he finds the transportaliser Mom used. John, naturally, stands on it, and is transported to a meteor in the Veil.

Actually, it’s not just a meteor; it’s one of the laboratories where the Skaian troops are produced. John, along with the cat and Maplehoof, finds a bunch of chess guys being grown in glass jars on a giant podium. Most of them are the standard carapaces we’re familiar with, but there are also a few larger pieces, apparently based on knights and rooks. He also finds a JUNIOR ECTOBIOLOGIST’S LAB SUIT, and another of those strange house-shaped sets of monitors.

On Prospit, PM is preparing to board a shuttle to Skaia when a COURTYARD DROLL sneaks up behind her. Unaccountably, she fails to notice him, despite the fact that he’s wearing a hat larger than he is. CD successfully pickpockets the White Queen’s ring, and PM departs for Skaia, none the wiser.

CD radios the DRACONIAN DIGNITARY to report mission success, and is told that he doesn’t need to keep wearing his ridiculous outfit, per orders from Jack Noir, who is now going by the SOVEREIGN SLAYER. CD says he’d rather keep wearing the outfit. Apart from the sword-through-the-chest part, it is a very nice outfit, so I’m with CD on this one.

Catastrophe is averted by Jade delivering a flying kick to CD’s head and following up with a very efficient smackdown. Her robot body replicates this back on Earth, beating the stuffing out of her mummified grandfather. Jade retrieves the ring, and puts it on her fingers to remind herself to give it back to PM later. Unfortunately, this doesn’t cause Jade to sprout wings and tentacles. Seems the rings don’t work on humans like that.

Meanwhile, in a Timeless Expanse, a WARWEARY VILLEIN is getting tired of the battle between Derse and Prospit. The next animation is called “WV?: Rise Up” and it’s one of my favorites! When I first read Homestuck I had to watch it a few times before I understood what was going on, but it is a very neat video.

Watch on YouTube

The Battlefield has been prototyped three times, and is now spherical. The forces of Derse and Prospit meet. The usual carapaces with swords are backed up by larger pieces -- some of them very strange -- and by battleships clashing in the sky. In the chaos, WV, who is farming peacefully on Skaia, has his home and farm burned down. He raises a flag and addresses the troops of both armies. Elsewhere, Jack Noir appears, flying over the Battlefield in search of the Black King.

WV rallies the armies and tells them that their real enemies are the monarchs, who are responsible for the war. Encouraged, the Dersite and Prospitan troops band together and march on the Black King.

Meanwhile, PM has reached the White King and discovers that she no longer has the White Queen’s ring. The White King listens to her and hands over his scepter, which seems to represent Skaia and serves a similar function to the Queens’ rings. Behind a nearby hill, the Hegemonic Brute radios somebody to report the transfer.

As WV and the united armies reach the Black King, Jack arrives and slices the Black King’s scepter in half, nullifying its powers and turning the Black King back into a normal carapace. PM is attacked by HB, who knocks the White King’s scepter out of her hand; it falls down a waterfall. Jack Noir beheads the Black King and turns to WV, and the animation ends.

...okay, much as I love it, I have to admit there’s a glaring question here: Namely, the kids started playing the Game less than a day ago and Dave’s kernelsprite has been prototyped for a few hours max. The second prototyping made the Battlefield more complex and the third took it into its current form. That’s a very short time to instigate a cross-faction revolution, organise the troops, and march on a monarch. For that matter, how long has WV been a farmer? The inhabitants of Derse and Prospit have obviously been doing their thing all the kids’ lives, but the Battlefield was supposedly a static, rudimentary space until John entered the Medium, so what gives?

Then again, the timeline in the Medium is supposed to be distinct from the timeline on Earth, so maybe that explains it?

CHEL: An interesting point is also raised by WV’s revolution. Namely, Derse is presented as a kingdom of darkness and evil by the game, while Prospit is presented as good. However, while PM is good, WV and AR are demonstrably not bad people either. In this animation, we see carapaces of both sides apparently don’t want to be involved in the war and are willing to rise up against the Black King. The rank-and-file carapaces on both sides, it seems, are decent people who are just following orders. (Not to mention very cute.) Jack Noir and his gang are nasty pieces of work, except CD who’s also just kind of going along with it, but there’s nothing saying white carapaces couldn’t also be… And is that a Problematykks point, presenting the black-coloured people as bad and the white-coloured ones as good? I know they’re chess pieces, but still.

This raises the question, however, what’s Derse’s motive? Are its rulers and archagents simply destroying for the evulz? I wonder. I also wonder how much Skaia itself is involved in this and how aware it is. Skaia is called the crucible of creation, and it’s responsible for the creation of the carapaces too. References are made to it “seeing” and “knowing”; it’s quite possibly sentient, though maybe not sapient. On top of that, SBurb is specifically a game, and a game needs an objective, and an adventure-type game needs enemies. Derse, it seems likely, was created and presented the way it is in order to give the players something to battle against even if its people don’t want to be their enemies. No wonder WV’s pissed!

BRIGHT: Yup. Hmm, thinking about it...the imps and other enemies we saw attacking John’s house early on were obviously Dersite, but the ones we’ve seen in Rose’s seem to be Prospitian, if anything? The colour scheme looks that way, at least. But Nanna said earlier that Derse was the enemy, nothing about Prospit.

Perhaps it has something to do with Rose being a Derse dreamer, while John is a Prospit dreamer? But in that case I’d have expected it to come up in the text. Instead it just goes unremarked.

Rose goes on a massive alchemising spree and ends up creating the Thorns of Oglogoth, a pair of wands.

The needles seem to shiver with the dark desires of THE DEEP ONE. Any sane adventurer would cast these instruments of the occult into the FURTHEST RING and forget they ever existed.

Instead of throwing the wands away, Rose takes on the enemies camping all over her house, with style.

Meanwhile, Dave goes on another, less visibly productive alchemising spree.

GET ON WITH IT!: 18

FAILURE ARTIST: The SBaHJifier could be considered productive in that it provides foreshadowing cartoons. Wish Dave’s Brain in a Jar came up again.

BRIGHT: Once he’s done creating smuppet variations to disturb the monsters encroaching on his house, he sits down to take a look at those two journals he copied from Rose earlier. One of them is called ‘MEOW’, and is literally just those same four letters, repeated over and over in different orders. The second is ‘Complacency of the Learned’.

There is no way to adequately recap the beauty of ‘Complacency of the Learned’, so we’re just going to show the whole thing:

Frigglish bothered his beard, as if unkinking a hitch in a long silk windsock. A more pedestrian audience would parse the exhibit as nervous compulsion. Behavior to petition contempt among the reasonable. He was however not surrounded by the reasonable, but the wise, a distinction in men that would forever be the difference in history's garland of treasured follies. As a matter of fact, his cadre of fellow wizards were all putting similar moves on their beards as well. The practice would evince thoughtfulness - sagacity, even - if they didn't do it all the time. Standing in line at the bank. Shooing squirrels from bird feeders. Few occasions were safe. Zazzerpan inspected the clue. A single piece of evidence cradled in his coriaceous old man palms. It was a human bone, not striking in the tale it told alone so much as that told by the thousands like it festooning the marshy soil of the mass grave. The grisly expanse bore the texture of a decadent dessert, like one of Smarny's formidable custard trifles wobbled out on wheels for the holidays, to the dismay of a small nation. "You're certain of this?" asked Frigglish. Despite what he was doing with his beard, he was, in fact, immersed in meaningful contemplation. "I am afraid I am becoming more so with each terrible tick groused by that gaudy timepiece slung around your neck." In case it wasn't clear, Frigglish wore a clock Zazzerpan didn't care for. It was magic. "The massacre of Syrs Gnelph was not as written." "What has you convinced it was the hand of our disciples in this blackness?" Executus chimed in. "I believe... I..." a fat face stammered, eyes darting with the guilt of a thief in the throes of an unraveling alibi. "I can summon a... more pressing line of inquiry..." No, Smarny. Nobody was in the mood for a sticky bundt loaf just now. Zazzerpan's ears fell insubstantial to any line of inquiry, pastry-oriented or otherwise. His abstruse contour carved a pondering shape in the fog carpeting centuries-dead. His eleven contemporaries too embraced the muted consternation of their great Predicant Scholar. Few wizards kept sharper adumbratives or read them with such lucidity. When Zazzerpan treated men with silence it was seldom unrepaid by the wise and reasonable alike. It was harrowing to entertain. Zazzerpan the Learned's storied Complacency of Wizards was marked for grander descendence. Disciples hand-picked, vetted by Ockite the Bonafide and tested by Gastrell the Munificent. The twelve sweetest, most studious children a pair of elderly eyes could give their sparkle. Not the ragged guttersnipe so oft-harvested by the common Obscenity, those vituperative little beggars with hearts to corrupt as dropped bananas brown. That these chosen youngsters would turn was not merely unthinkable, but something of a roundhouse to the temporal bones of the Upper Indifference's high chamber of Softskulled Prophets. His wisdom-savaged brow pruned further with recount of his many lessons to wouldbe successors. Lessons to advance humanity's elucidation and prosperity, an outcome this bleak trail now painfully obviated. There were few puzzles The Learned could not suspend and dissect in the recondite manifold beneath his extremely expensive pointy hat. Daring to pitch his cherished pupils in with the foul melange of history's rogues, the heretofore abstract scourge that built up civilizations with ungodly magic and tore them down with joyful malice, would prove an intellectual trespass to make his calcium-deficient bones quake. And more daring yet was the only question that now mattered. Could a bunch of bearded, scraggly old men in preposterous outfits hunt them down? He didn't have an answer. Only a simple observation so blunt and uncharacteristically jejune for the lauded sage it was breathtaking in its selfevidency. "We're going to need more wands." (Wow. Think of something better.)

Wow.

Dave is understandably intimidated by this, and decides to stop reading for now. He puts his copy of the SBURB Beta in the notebook to act as a bookmark, and leaves both books in his room for later.

Then he checks in on Rose, who is burning her version of the MEOW book.

CHEL: Dave inquires about the wizard story.

TG: i thought you hated wizards TG: whats the deal with that TT: I like wizards. TT: What I don't like is my mother's obsession with feigning interest in them to antagonize me. TG: oh man thats so messed up TG: that you think that TG: she probably digs wizards for real just like you and youre blowing shit out of proportion like pretty much always

Once again, we see exactly how fucked-up Rose’s relationship with her mother is. Mom Lalonde has somehow managed to raise a child in such a way that Rose interprets everything her mother does as an attempt to mock and provoke her.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 16

TIER: The Lalondes are pretty damn dysfunctional as a family unit, and considering the zany nature of early Homestuck and its world's weird logic that is saying something indeed.

CHEL: As for the MEOW book, it turns out the gods from the Furthest Ring informed Rose while she was sleeping that the book’s contents are highly dangerous and must be destroyed. Said gods dwell in the sky above Derse; Dave’s never heard or seen them, but Rose points out his dreamself is always wearing shades, listening to music, and distracted by Cal.

TT: You're the prince of the moon. TG: ........ TT: I'm sure they've been meaning to seek a royal audience. TG: ..........................

Davesprite chats to Rose next. She protests at being spied on by two people, but Davesprite asks her why she burned the codebook. She didn’t need to in the future, but according to her future memories of the gods absorbed from her future dreamself, Davesprite appeared to make it relevant by traveling to the past. A sinister and familiar face watches through Dave’s window, soon proving to be the Draconian Dignitary, while Dave and Davesprite awkwardly spout elaborate mixed metaphors about how safe they are, until Dave, embarrassed, says "so i guess ill go back down and burn that book".

As any savvy reader could guess, he’s too late. The prompt suggests that he should go back in time to stop the books from being stolen, but, well...

It looks like you already tried that. GORE GALORE: 10

Dave looks completely undisturbed, but whether he is undisturbed is a different matter. He flings the corpse out the window into the lava, claiming it would freak Jade out.

John, in the lab, presses a button, causing the first monitor to depict his town, shortly before his birth. There is a Betty Crocker factory and a shopping mall, neither of which are in the town now. Zooming in locks a target over Nanna Egbert, who is taking a stroll with Dad. A meteor looms; this looks like it’s going to go very badly, considering the target lock, but it hits the factory instead. When John presses the glowing blue button, a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of Nanna is created; refer back to Rose’s experimentation in the lab and the green slime blobs. This time, the slime is sucked into a tube.

The next monitor does something similar with Grandpa Harley on his ship, and the next the same with Bro Strider, who stands over a meteor crater on an unseasonably warm day; something of an understatement, as the sky is the same lurid red and the sun the same glowing spiral that they were during the Strider bros’ battle even though it’s December. Bro is, regardless, prepared for the occasion with a small pair of outrageously awesome shades. What he needs these for will soon be revealed.

The fourth monitor goes back to John’s home town, a gigantic crater where the factory once was. In the shopping mall, Dad Egbert stands outside a joke shop, while Nanna apparently remains inside, busying herself with a tall bookshelf, a ladder, and a rather hefty unabridged joke book.

Mom Lalonde, clutching the infant Rose and wearing a rather snazzy long Jaspersprite-pink scarf, has come to town to study the meteor impact at the request of Grandpa Harley while he explores elsewhere. Unfortunately, now is the time a meteor chooses to strike Nanna’s location, destroying the shop.

An old mother lost today, but a new son gained.

Wait for it.

Mom Lalonde flees, dropping her scarf, which Dad Egbert picks up and slightly creepily sniffs. The monitor continues tracking her, and John captures her paradox imprint too, starting the machines whirring away...

Four babies abruptly appear on the pad, already diapered and bespectacled and old enough to sit up unaided. Convenient, no?

When the kitten jumps on a green button, the slime is blended in pairs; Nanna’s and Grandpa’s, and Mom’s and Bro’s. More blinking lights ensue, and another four extremely familiar-looking babies appear.

BRIGHT: I will say this: These kids are adorable.

While babies clamber over him, John vaults up his echeladder to the rank of Ectobiolobabysitter, acquiring one million Boondollars in the process. This automatically converts itself to a Boonbuck, the weight of which smashes his Porkhollow.

Finding out just what is going on here will have to wait, as the comic takes a brief detour to a battleship navigating the Medium nearby. There’s someone very familiar at the wheel…

An old man has much to do before he returns to Earth, dies, gets stuffed by his adopted-yet-biological daughter-slash-grand-daughter, and stuck in front of a fireplace.

Also aboard the ship are Dad Egbert and Mom Lalonde. Dad returns Mom’s scarf, and the two of them hold hands as Grandpa Harley pilots the ship towards Skaia.

We return to the lab, where John has his hands full with the babies. One of them has managed to break one of the paradox slime jars from earlier, but appears uninjured. Also, CG’s trolling him again.

CHEL: CG makes mention of the ULTIMATE RIDDLE, but John is confused because CG hasn’t told him about that yet. He uses an ableist description in explaining.

CG: SEE I KIND OF PAINTED MYSELF INTO A CORNER. CG: I STARTED TROLLING YOU AT THE END, JUST BEFORE THE RIFT. CG: AND THEN JUMPED BACK A LITTLE. CG: AND NOW I GUESS I'VE BECOME RAILROADED INTO WORKING BACKWARDS HERE. CG: UNLESS I WANT TO DO THE SORT OF DUMB SCHIZOPHRENIC HOPPING AROUND LIKE THE OTHERS. CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 18

… why wouldn’t you just hop right back to the start and work in a linear fashion from there?

TIER: Because CG excels at making things complicated for himself and is fundamentally rather stubborn and set in his ways/actions. Like he's made his bed, he's gonna lie in it.

CHEL: Anyway, CG banters with John for a bit, and then informs him that he (John) has arrived in the Veil and created infant versions of the players and their guardians.

EB: so they are like cloned copies of us? CG: NO. CG: THEY ARE LITERALLY YOU AND YOUR GUARDIANS. CG: PARADOX CLONES.

A paradox clone, we are informed, is A CORRECTLY CLONED DUPLICATE THAT WILL INEVITABLY GO BACK IN TIME AND BECOME THE ORIGINAL TARGET THAT WAS CLONED. The game worlds contain many clues hinting at the ultimate destiny of the players to create their own selves through the game, and the only way things could possibly go involved the players creating themselves, or else the game session would never happen.

CG: WHICH IS ESPECIALLY PATHETIC SINCE PARADOX SPACE APPARENTLY WENT TO ALL THIS TROUBLE TO MAKE YOU JUST TO HAVE YOU FAIL AND DIE. CG: REALLY THERE'S NOTHING MORE TRAGIC THAN THESE NULL SESSIONS FULL OF KIDS ENTERING THE GAME AND FULFILLING SOME COSMIC DESTINY SHIT JUST TO GET WIPED OUT AND LEAVE BEHIND AN EMPTY POINTLESS INCIPISPHERE FOR ALL ETERNITY.

Tragic and completely unnecessary, when there are millions of perfectly good humans already in existence who could just as easily create winning game sessions without this aspect of it. Here we see another aspect of Homestuck which hasn’t come up quite so clearly before; an extremely weird take on determinism. I’m not sure if this is meant as a parody of Chosen One plotlines or if Hussie just thought it sounded cool, but it’s uncomfortable. As it turns out, only clones created by SBurb have a hope in hell of winning the game, and even they fail most of the time. Regular people who enter the game to save themselves from the destruction of the planet will fail and die there, which honestly is not really selling this game as a good thing, since it’s what causes the destruction of the planet in the first place. I’ve had actual, legitimate, honest-to-God nightmares about this aspect of SBurb, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

FAILURE ARTIST: I think many fans wish to play SBurb. There’s lots of fan sessions and fake GameFAQs and custom Lands. Yet in reality SBurb is not a fun time. This is cosmic horror. I think Hussie is sometimes playing it for horror and sometimes he ignores the implications.

Then again, some people want to live on the troll planet, which is straight-up dystopia.

CHEL: Again, it isn’t really clear what he’s going for. Is it supposed to be terrifying or did he just think it would be clever? Does even Hussie know what he was going for? While it’s not exactly a joke, I think it’s worth another point here:

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 17

It might be a joke. As I said, I could see it as a parody of or playing with the Chosen One narrative. In this case, literally only the chosen ones have any hope, for reasons that are not down to any merit of their own. But if it is, there isn’t really much made of it.

Of course, the reasons people want to live on the troll planet are reasonable when taken alone, but a) contradicted every alternate scene and b) not a fair trade for everything else that’s going on there. But we’ll get to that when we actually see it. And I admit, SBurb powers would be fun, but not worth the loss of my entire species.

TIER: To me at least it's fun in the same way wondering how I'd fare as a wizard during Harry Potter's years at Hogwarts, or a ninja in Naruto is. Fundamentally you'd rather want to never encounter this sorta stuff even if you get some swanky I guess powers, but the mental exercise of it is quite honestly, really fun. The game has quite a lot of interesting things to poke around with, from lands to quests to what your co-players are up to. And I'm def guilty of playing trollsona games, because the world presented is just really fascinating in its gruesome glory.

Never want to have to actually go through it, Lord knows I'd be dead within the first ten minutes if I'm super lucky, but stories about it are pretty neat.

CHEL: That’s true, but the paradox clones thing seems almost to be taunting us for having that mentality. We can pretend we’d be the super-smart strong competent ones who make it, but in this universe if we demonstrably have parents we’re doomed to die for nothing and there’s nothing we can do about it.

BRIGHT: Another fun thing about this is that it fundamentally isolates the players from the rest of humanity. If you think about it, unless they have children with a non-player, they are completely unrelated to anyone else on Earth.

CHEL: And they can’t have kids with a non-player unless something thoroughly horrible happened, because as is stated later SBurb specifically takes its players away and destroys their planet around the point of their puberty.

BRIGHT: Although I think John is actually related to Dad — as far as we’re told, Dad is in fact Nanna’s biological son, which makes him genetically John’s half-brother.

They also miss out on (going by how active the babies are) the first couple of years of life. Those two years are crucial in terms of brain development. SBURB probably controls for that, but it wouldn’t be surprising if there were negative consequences.

Oh, and if you’re a player, your existence means your civilisation is doomed. Lovely!

CHEL: And do the players ever feel any guilt or conflict over this? Do they hell. It doesn’t even occur to them, and I’m pretty sure it didn’t occur to Hussie either.

TIER: Welcome to the hell game that is SBURB; it's fundamentally pretty fucked up! It runs on a hellish scale of "things have already been predetermined" and I am Big Fear™.

CHEL: That’ll come up later, too, but there it’s obviously intentional nightmare fuel, and not at all a bad use of time travel as a story device.

CG, meanwhile, explains that he was the one to create his session’s players. With twelve of them it was a bit more complicated, but troll lineages are complicated anyway, and we’ll find out how later.

The babies are still getting all over the lab. Note that they're repeatedly referred to as "little pink monkeys". Then again, calling a non-white child a monkey really wouldn't be good.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 18

John’s infant self has latched onto the Sassacre book, while his infant Nanna is sitting in Dad Egbert’s old hat. Baby Bro is napping in the lap of Lil Cal; that baby’s braver than I am, I can tell you that. Baby Dave is sitting on Maplehoof, and baby Grandpa has found a pair of pistols. John does not take them away from him, or even seem to notice he has them.

HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 7

BRIGHT: Earlier baby Bro broke one of the paradox slime cylinders and was sitting in it. John is pretty astoundingly bad at keeping babies away from obvious hazards.

TIER: That or the equipment is probably not sturdy enough to make it past an inspection into faulty management.

CHEL: But then he’s distracted by CG trolling him again, at least this time moving forward in time from the last conversation.

CG, like GA, apparently fails to grasp sarcasm...

EB: we had this great dare going. EB: to see who could be the least helpful and informative. EB: and you totally lost, dude! EB: you were hella helpful. CG: I WAS OBVIOUSLY JUST SPITING YOUR STUPID POINTLESS HUMAN DARE. [...] CG: ANYWAY, HOW COULD WE HAVE MADE A DARE IF I'M MOVING BACKWARDS ON YOUR TIMELINE.

… which is weird because moments later he uses it himself.

EB: do you even have elves? CG: YES, LET'S COMPARE WHICH FANTASY CREATURES THAT DON'T EXIST WE BOTH DO OR DON'T NOT HAVE. CG: WHAT A GREAT FUCKING IDEA, JOHN!

Hussie seems to waver back and forth a lot on whether trolls get sarcasm or not, in general. Since he’s contradicting himself with troll worldbuilding, that’s a point.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 19

Banter aside, he informs John that the babies are sent to Earth via meteors during the Reckoning.

BRIGHT: How do they survive the impact? Some of those meteor strikes destroy buildings. Those are some ridiculously resilient kids.

CHEL: Cut to AR, who is still having fun on the rocketboard, until he runs into a frog temple atop a meteor. This is apparently horrifying and illegal by his standards.

You are going to throw whoever is responsible into the slammer. You always call jail the slammer when you are extra angry at crimes.

Inside, he finds an empty time capsule, like Jade’s, some complicated machinery, and a monitor screen showing a greyscale house with a very familiar bespectacled female infant and dirty old hat in it. The year depicted, says the monitor, is 1910. Enter none other than Colonel Sassacre himself.

Eight days prior, the orphan girl was taken in by an aristocratic southern colonel and legendary humorist. He recovered the young lady from a crater where a bakery once stood, operated by the man's wife, a notable baked goods baroness.

An explosion outside leads them both to a crater, where once stood the doghouse of the colonel’s pet, Halley, but before the Colonel can investigate further he’s shot through the heart.

This is exactly why babies should not be allowed to dual-wield flintlock pistols.

BRIGHT: I remain baffled as to how Baby Grandpa can even lift those things, let alone pull the triggers.

CHEL: Baby Grandpa crawls from the crater, and Halley the dog turns out to be alive.

The young boy has difficulty pronouncing the name though. Sounds more like "Harley" when he says it.

How does he know it? The colonel died before he even noticed the baby was there. Is baby Nanna speaking well enough to tell him yet? I guess he could be told later, as Sassacre wasn’t in fact their only sapient guardian...

Thirteen years later, the boy develops a taste for adventure. He and his guardian bid farewell. His sister is sad. She will be left all alone with the wicked pastry baroness. She can handle it, he tells her. He believes in her.

It isn’t clear why she didn’t go with him, or leave under her own power. They don’t seem to be imprisoned, as the panel depicts them outside on grass with no restraints or guards over them, so it’s not a matter of only one of them being able to get out. That’s a point for Nanna not trying and a point for Grandpa not bringing her:

HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 9

That dog is also remarkably lively, considering it, unlike Bec, is an entirely normal dog, it was an adult thirteen years previously, and it’s somehow supporting the weight of an entire teenager on its back (again, please don’t try this at home, you can break the dog’s spine that way).

FAILURE ARTIST: As we’ve said, Colonel Sassacre is a thinly-veiled Mark Twain expy. The real Mark Twain died in 1910 at the same time Halley’s Comet was in the sky. It’s a cute historical gag having him be literally killed by a comet but it does muck up the timeline. Nanna must have been a senior citizen when Dad was born. Perhaps he’s adopted?

CHEL: The other option is that Dad is a senior citizen now, but surely John would have wondered why his dad is so ridiculously old. I think it’s just that thing in mainstream comics and cartoons where adults are split into Old and Not Old, and the parents are normal ages for parents but the grandparents would have to be in their hundreds going by the gags. See how Scrooge McDuck in the DuckTales reboot is over a hundred and forty years old yet his sister’s son is still a youngish adult.

AR notes that the appearifier is centred over Halley the dog, but hears someone coming. It proves to be the Draconian Dignitary. AR hides and watches, noting that DD is carrying Rose’s notebooks and Dave’s beta envelopes. DD keeps the MEOW book, but throws away the other items. Complacency of the Learned lands on the floor, and the envelopes land in the time capsule, which sets to bloom in four hundred and thirteen million years.

Meanwhile, John talks to CG while infant Mom Lalonde pets the mutant kitten. John asks if there’s any way to delay the Reckoning, but nope; CG warns him that the smallest meteors will start going in only a few minutes.

EB: ok, well you keep saying how doomed we are and how all this bad stuff happens sooner, but you never say why! EB: what happens in our game that's different from yours that makes things go so badly? CG: JACK NOIR.

The Jack Noir from the trolls’ game session allied with them and helped them dethrone and exile the Black Queen, while the one from the humans’ session, as you may recall, killed the Black Monarchs and gained their powers, and is currently rampaging through the Incipisphere. John asks if it’s the same Jack Noir, but CG explains.

CG: SO LET'S SAY YOU PLAY YOUR BANDICOOT AND I PLAY MY BANDICOOT. CG: THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME BANDICOOT, SAME APPEARANCE AND DESIGN AND BEHAVIORS. CG: BUT THEY ARE STILL COMPLETELY SEPARATE BANDICOOTS ON SEPARATE SCREENS. CG: SO WE BOTH HAVE OUR OWN ASS BANDICOOTS TO OURSELVES, THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT. CG: OUR JACKS ARE THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT TOO. CG: SAME GUY, DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES AND OUTCOMES. CG: OUR JACK TRUMPED THE QUEEN, BUT GOT NO FURTHER. CG: YOUR JACK GOT THE BEST OF BOTH OF THEM, AND IS NOW SOMETHING HIGHER THAN A QUEEN OR A KING… EB: like an ace? CG: SURE OK.

The trolls don’t know what went so differently to cause the two Jacks to behave so differently, but CG doesn’t think it matters by now. John interrupts him, deciding to do yet another Con Air ending re-enactment.

Watch on YouTube

Recap: montage of Con Air posters and images to the tune of “How Do I Live Without You”. John hands the thoroughly disgusting Con Air bunny to the protesting baby Rose, while CG watches huffily on his monitor. Jade demands a toy too, so John hands her the bunny he received from Rose in an excessively dramatic fashion. CG frustratedly hits himself in the head. In scribbly crayon-like drawings, Casey the salamander performs a drum solo with glowing blue mushrooms for drums and the Con Air plane crashes. More Con Air imagery, John embraces baby Jade and the baby Lalondes while sobbing; GC points and laughs at him over CG’s shoulder and they have a slapfight. John imagines himself in Nic Cage’s iconic wifebeater and mullet and performs an air guitar solo.

TIER: Lemme tell ya, as someone who's only experience with this darn movie is whatever pops up courtesy of John this sequence is just a trip and a half. Possibly a higher number.

CHEL: Cut to end-of-act curtains; they open on the next page, declaring a PSYCHE; there are more pages to go.

Cut to Dave’s hands, covered in the dead Dave’s blood. I… guess he’s supposed to be staring at them in shock? It’s impossible to tell through his shades. For all I know he could be worried about the cleanup. GC trolls him and they banter creepily, with her demanding to know what his blood smells like and him taunting her about her blindness.

TG: just him and me TG: havin a see party TG: like a couple of eagle eyed bros peepin shit up into the wee hours GC: D4V3 GC: C4N 1 COM3 TO YOUR S33 P4RTY? TG: i guess but youll have to be careful not to stumble around bumping into all the gorgeous masterpieces hanging around everywhere TG: god so beautiful to look at with my perfect eyesight GC: C4N 1 L1CK TH3 P41NT1NGS? TG: yeah thats fine

Neither of them seems to take it particularly hard. If there was narrative around the dialogue, I think we’d get a better grasp of how Dave feels. Lacking much body language or punctuation, tone is a bit tricky to get.

FAILURE ARTIST: There’s a character later who gets a lot of grief for insulting her blindness but reading what John, Dave, and CG say I don’t know how that character could be worse.

CHEL: AT, meanwhile, is trolling Jade, rather politely. He even takes time to ask if she’s having a good nap. She’s worried about John’s dreamself not waking, and AT scrolls into his view of the future timeline, but can’t find John awake, nor see into his dreams. Jade, however, will wake up soon, and she thanks him for this report. Unfortunately, when Jade wakes up she will be in danger, and AT can’t see any further. He tells her CG wants to talk to her about her exploding robot. He can’t see whether it exploded or not because there are a lot of explosions, but asking future Jade shows it did, and that she declared CG to be a pretty nice guy, which surprises AT since he doesn’t think CG is particularly nice. Jade says she thinks AT is nice too, and asks why he’s the only one who talks to her while she’s asleep.

AT: bECAUSE YOU HAVE A ROBOT, tO LET YOU SAY THINGS THAT HAPPEN, oN PROSPIT, AT: aND i'M CURIOUS, AT: bECAUSE THE ONLY TIME i EVER HAD FUN PLAYING THIS GAME WAS WHEN i WAS ASLEEP, AT: bUT NOW ALL OUR DREAM SELVES ARE DEAD, AT: }:'(

AT happily remembers his own time on Prospit, and we cut back to Rose, being trolled by GA despite the fact that Rose is obviously in the middle of an epic magic battle. The conversation is understandably chilly, and GA still hasn’t figured out that “Dumb Rose” as opposed to “Smart Rose” was John rather than a bizarre roleplaying scenario.

GC continues trolling Dave. He asks her how she operates a computer without sight.

GC: 1M SORRY D4V3 TH4T YOU W1LL N3V3R 3XP3R13NC3 TH3 S3NSORY BOUQU3T TH4T 1 3NJOY 3V3RY D4Y GC: TH4T 1 3NSCONC3 MYS3LF 1N L1K3 4 W4RM 4ND COMFY B4THROB3 M4D3 OF FL4VOR 4ND M3LODY TG: oh ok TG: so the dumbest and most far fetched explanation imaginable ok got it

Yes, pretty much. This brings me to a Problematykks point; GC is supposed to be blind, but it really doesn’t seem to affect her in any way at all. Its workaround is ridiculously convenient and effective, and while I’m not blind myself, I know many people with physical disabilities hate it when fiction does this. I know I would be pissed off if a piece of fiction showed an easy and convenient way to not have autism anymore. (Horrible, horrible memories of someone back in the days of Livejournal’s Fanficrants of a fic in which autism was somehow cured by having a foursome. I don’t remember how that was supposed to work.) “She’s a space alien” only goes so far in explaining it. Why even bother making her blind if it’s not going to affect her in any way?

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 19

FAILURE ARTIST: She’s the least blind blind person in media. Characters like Daredevil from Marvel Comics and Toph from Avatar the Last Airbender have a Disability Superpower but at the end of the day they still can’t do things like read printed text. GC has no disadvantages.

BRIGHT: She can apparently smell and taste photons.

Which raises the question why none of the other trolls ever show a heightened sense of smell or taste. If GC can learn to interpret smells as colours, her sense of smell must have been that strong all along, and there’s no indication in the text that she’s biologically more sensitive than her companions. Trolls must be better at following a trail than bloodhounds.

CHEL: Synaesthesia which makes one strongly associate colours with smells is a thing, and synaesthesia is generally the word the fandom uses to explain Terezi’s ability, but you still have to actually see the colours for that to work. If she was only mostly blind and was picking up blurry colour patches, I could buy it (and that is how the fandom tends to do it with human AUs), but not if she’s supposed to be completely blind, and she still wouldn’t be able to read text that way.

BRIGHT: Time for another animation, and for a hop back into the recent past.

Watch on YouTube

As the meteor locked onto Dave’s house approaches, Dave climbs up the tower to retrieve his cruxite egg from the nest his sprite made. Unfortunately the sprite attacks him, knocking him and the egg off the tower. Bro Strider appears on top of the approaching meteor and slices it in half with his katana; the two halves are diverted by the blow and strike different areas of the city. Dave’s fall is broken by a rocket board, which is presumably how Bro got up to the meteor in the first place. (How did he manage to aim it to intercept Dave’s fall? Wouldn’t it take longer to get from the meteor to Dave than it takes for Dave to fall from the top of the tower to the roof of the building? We shall never know.) The egg hatches, and Dave is transported into the Medium. There’s no sign of what happens to Bro.

CHEL: Yet more cartoon physics around the Strider bros.

BRIGHT: I don’t know if we mentioned this earlier, but although Dave and Bro live in an apartment block that presumably housed multiple people, only Dave’s apartment gets transported into the Medium. Everyone else in the complex is left to die on Earth. SBURB is sociopathic.

Elsewhere in the Medium, back in the present, Grandpa’s ship is approaching Skaia, with Mom Lalonde and Dad Egbert on board.

Down on Skaia, Jack Noir draws his sword and slaughters the army WV raised to march on the Black King. WV cowers, but Jack leaves him alive. He then uses the Black Queen’s ring to send some sort of giant red tentacle attack through Skaia, slaughtering Dersite and Prospitian forces indiscriminately.

CHEL: Are they tentacles? I always thought of them as some sort of lightning lasers.

BRIGHT: That makes a lot more sense!

In the ectobiology lab, as the clock ticks down to the Reckoning, the babies are teleported to asteroids around the lab. There must be an air supply in this asteroid belt — characters are consistently shown as being able to survive outside.

CHEL: Maybe it’s just the players’ natural badassery. Batman Can Breathe In Space.

BRIGHT: On Skaia, CD makes his way through Jack’s slaughter fest, which has now ravaged a sizeable chunk of planet, and hands him the White King’s sceptre. Jack raises the sceptre and initiates the Reckoning. The meteorites start to vanish into Skaia’s defence portals. In the frog temple, DD somehow combines the MEOW genetic code with a paradox clone of Halley, creating Jade’s guardian Bec. Bec’s creation damages the laboratory equipment in the temple.

Cut to Jade, who is snoozing peacefully while her dream self explores Prospit. She looks up at Skaia, to see Jack’s shadow passing in front of it. Jack launches his tentacle attack on Prospit, slaughtering the inhabitants, then severs the chain attaching Prospit’s moon to the planet. The moon begins falling towards Skaia.

Jack then flies to LOHAC, where he encounters Bro Strider on one of the turntable mesas. Unexpectedly, Bro is able to give Jack an even fight. After a few exchanges, he drives his katana into the mesa; some sort of golden light emanates from the crack, and Bro absconds.

Wait, how did Bro get onto LOHAC? How did he survive the meteor impacts?

TIER: The ol' "rule of cool". As long as something is sufficiently "absolutely kickass!!" the rules of reality and physics can go sit on the bleachers twiddling their thumbs for all they fucking matter. There's a reason early fandom pinned down Bro as an unorthodox but immensely cool older brother type guy for so long. Because with what little information was available before we got bludgeoned with "No actually he was the absolute fucking worst thing to happen to Dave and fucked him up for life" that was the general impression he gave off.

CHEL: This and the meteor splitting are yet more reason not to take Bro’s treatment of Dave seriously; this is a world in which ludicrous animesque badassery rules the day, and physically impossible feats of battle occur every five minutes. Forcing a child to go through extensive and excessive sword training in brutal heat in a precarious place, possibly every day, ought by rights to be normal there, and I can’t believe he was physically hurt by swordfighting when he survived a meteor collision as an infant. Besides, training that extensive quite possibly could be the only thing that would keep Dave alive in these circumstances.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 18

BRIGHT: There’s a random Squiddles interlude, and then we return to Skaia.

John’s unconscious dream self has fallen out of Prospit’s moon as it plummets towards Skaia. Jade tries shaking him awake, and then slaps him, but to no avail. At the last moment, she throws him out of the path of the moon, and her dream self is then killed when it lands on her. Back on Earth, her dreambot overloads and explodes.

CHEL: Taking her tower room with it; Jade’s sleeping body plummets towards the earth.

BRIGHT: The moon leaves a gigantic crater in Skaia. John’s now-conscious dreamself hovers above it.

The babies vanish through the defence portals to Earth.

CHEL: Each takes an item with them. John takes the Sassacre book, Rose the first Con Air bunny, Dave rides Maplehoof, Jade takes the bunny Rose gave to John (which is in fact the Con Air bunny plus several years and repairs), Nanna sits inside Dad’s old hat, Mom takes the mutant kitten, Bro sleeps in the lap of Li’l Cal, and Grandpa dual wields the flintlock pistols he should not be allowed.

BRIGHT: Dave and Rose reach the Gates above their houses and set out to explore their Lands. We close on an eerie shot of Bec outside the frog temple on Jade’s island at night.

CHEL: Jade’s tower room is blown to bits, and a truly enormous meteor hovers over the scene.

Curtains close. End of Act 4. Before Act 5, we receive a message from Rose, via her GameFAQ.

[ZZZZ] Rose: Egress. This is my final entry. My co-players and I have made every earnest attempt, with occasional relapse, to play this game the right way.

Really? You haven’t been in the game for more than a couple of hours and Jade still isn’t in at all! Maybe consider that the fact that not all your players are in the game yet when you wonder why it isn’t working?

I have been meticulous in documenting the process to help our peers and successors through the trials should we fail. In my hubris I believed these classes were relegated to the Earth-bound, but in even this quaint supposition I was in error. Our otherworldly antagonists have assured us of our inevitable failure repeatedly, while the gods whisper corroboration in my sleep. I believe them now. I just blew up my first gate. I’m not sure why I did it, really. I am not playing by the rules anymore. I will fly around this candy-coated rock and comb the white sand until I find answers. No one can tell me our fate can’t be repaired. We’ve come too far. I jumped out of the way of a burning fucking tree, for God’s sake.

I can see her point. The game is horrible and should be stopped. On the other hand, I’d at least attempt to spend more than one day investigating it before trying to break it. Randomly destroying shit is more likely to make things much worse than anything else.

I have used a spell to rip this walkthrough from Earth’s decaying network, and sealed it in one of the servers floating in the Furthest Ring. The gods may disperse the signal throughout the cosmos as they wish. Perhaps it will be of use to past or future species who like us have been ensnared by Skaia’s malevolent tendrils. In case it wasn’t clear, magic is real. Pardon my egress. You’re on your own now.

This note is signed with a glowing multicoloured “RL” and revealed to be emitted from a purple box with an aerial, floating in space. It seems that’s how their internet’s still working.

FAILURE ARTIST: The internet seems to be a magical dimension in Homestuck and not something that’s part of physical infrastructure.

CHEL: Hours in the future, WV lands in the desert remains of Earth, wrapped up in John’s old ghost-patterned bedsheet, which is still white. A villein becomes a vagabond. In his memory, he tears up an effigy of Jack Noir… where’d he get it? Did the game create it for some reason? Anyway, John’s blanket falls on him from the sky as Prospit plummets; WV calls it a RAG OF SOULS. Adorably melodramatic.

John’s awoken dreamself gazes sadly at Jade’s deceased one, which for some reason isn’t actually under the rubble of Prospit and appears to still be three-dimensional. There’s no excessive blood splatter like with the dead Dave, which is good, not too over the top. He retrieves the Queen’s ring from her hand. Was he told at any point that it’s important? Because if he doesn’t know, I’m not sure robbing the dead is very heroic. He sees an image of himself flying over the battlefield in a large cloud above him; in the vision he’s near a castle, so he goes to seek it out.

On Earth, PM wraps herself up in an old Prospit banner. A mistress becomes a mendicant. In her memories, she has beheaded the Hegemonic Brute and is arranging a meeting with Jack Noir. He arrives and she presents the crowns; smirking evilly, he honours their bargain, and the Courtyard Droll brings her the green parcel. She brings it to the castle from John’s vision as he arrives there, hands over the box, and angrily walks away.

FAILURE ARTIST: She’s Honor Before Reason (maybe she’s programmed that way) but she has the right reaction. This is a lot to go through to deliver a package.

CHEL: Inside the box is a letter from Jade’s unknown pen pal, who writes in dark green and a distinctive jolly-hockey-sticks dialect, with a tendency to ramble off on tangents about movies and wrestling.

Anyway you should listen to jade from here on out john because she sure seems to know whats best for you. Whatever your adventure throws at you im sure shell tell you you can handle it. She believes in you.

And another letter from Jade.

even though its super late and you probably went through a lot of trouble to get it, i really hope this present cheers you up! you looked so sad while you were reading my letter. um... which is to say, the one you are reading now.

She explains that in her dreams she goes to Prospit and John’s sleeping dream self is there, and that’s where she gets her visions. She hopes he likes his present, and says her penpal is fun…

john i am REALLY looking forward to seeing you when you wake up!!!!! its been nice playing with my prospitian friends and all, but also kind of lonely knowing you were in the other tower sleeping and having lousy dreams. :( im not sure where i am when you are reading this but im sure ill make it down to where you are soon! (jeez how did you get down there??? oh well ill find out) i cant wait to fly around the moon with you and show you all my favorite places. itll be so much fun!!!!!!!!! :D <3 jade

Ow. I think this is the only time John cries in the entire comic.

A Single Tear(™) is a bit of an understated reaction to the death of one of your best friends who you just recently learned is also your twin sister, but to be fair, John isn’t left with very much time to react, as next panel Jack Noir’s sword is pointed at his face.

BRIGHT: John knows about dream selves and waking selves by now, I think?

CHEL: He knows they’re a thing but I don’t think he knows they count as backup lives. AT told Jade dream selves can die separately from regular selves but I don’t think anyone told John.

FAILURE ARTIST: Jack Noir wants the ring, but then he’s stopped by Jade’s gift: a robotic bunny wielding multiple weapons.

They line up for a fight.

Hours in the future, on a destroyed planet, AR wraps police tape around himself and becomes a Aimless Renegade. Before the disaster, he went to the Veil, where he found a sleeping John. He saves John by putting him on a rocket board.

Back to the robotic bunny. Jack Noir flies away from the fight. Grandpa’s battleship lands and Grandpa takes away Jade’s body. Mom and Dad disembark the ship and wave goodbye as it leaves. Grandpa cries a Single Tear as he transports Jade’s already taxidermed body. Did he have a machine?

CHEL: For that matter, why isn’t he helping anyone who’s actually still alive while he’s there?

HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 10

FAILURE ARTIST: Nope, transporting a dead body is more important.

Again going back, White Queen leaves Prospit. On landing, she becomes Windswept Questant and wanders the Earth. We go forward years later. She repairs the laboratory and meets up with AR, WV, and PM. WV’s homemade spear hides the ring.

John watches this scene through the clouds of Skaia. He looks at the ring in his hand. In another cloud, there’s Jade’s laboratory. We close in on it and inside is The Fourth Wall. It isn’t turned on, but we are still lead to Andrew Hussie, banging away on a computer keyboard as he recaps the plot for a second time.

CHEL: Which we shall do as well when we’re done with this section, because it’s insanely hard to keep track of everything.

FAILURE ARTIST: Andrew Hussie says Nanna’s comet landed 99 years before John’s “birth” so he has some clue about the age but still doesn’t see it odd that a woman that age has a son who is probably only in his thirties.

CHEL: As I said, it’s also possible Dad was really old too, but that’s never really suggested. Not to mention, since they were brought into existence as toddlers, shouldn’t the kids be noticeably older than the ages given for them? John should be biologically fourteen to fifteen by now and at that age that can make a visible difference. I know the art style doesn’t really give clues, but no one I’ve seen has ever pointed that out in fanfic either.

FAILURE ARTIST: Newborns aren’t distinctive looking and can’t really do the cute things toddlers do. People in TV and movies regularly give birth to six month old infants so it’s not strange.

CHEL: True, but this isn’t TV, it’s a comic, and they don’t have to use an actual infant as a prop here.

BRIGHT: Possibly it’s intentional. Among other things, we see the newly-created players survive short trips through vacuum, crash-land on Earth without even minor injuries, and handle weapons they shouldn’t be able to lift for another four or five years. This could work if players have superhuman abilities (that is, beyond the classpect system). If that was the intent then it really should be made more explicit, though.

Of course, what it really boils down to is that Homestuck runs off Rule of Cool and Rule of Funny, and occasionally breaks down on examination as a result.

On the whole this is a solid Act, I think! We have a lot of new stuff happening, more characters get introduced, and we find out some more about the trolls. It’s much less rambling than Act 1.

COUNTS ALL THE LUCK: 0 ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 18 CALL CPA PLEASE: 8 CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 19 GET ON WITH IT!: 18 GORE GALORE: 10 HOW NOT TO WRITE A WEBCOMIC: 15 HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 10 IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 0 RELATIONSHIP GOALS?: 1 SEND THEM TO THE SLAMMER: 1 SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS: 0 WHAT IS HAPPENING??: 9 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 19 TOTAL: 127

#homestuck #Let's read #homestuck meta #reread #literary critique #sporking #Homespork

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sirtravisjacksonoftexas · 5 years ago

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Was Jesus a mythical figure based on the Phrygian god Attis? Um, NO, and here is why (Expanded and updated)

Originally, Attis was the mortal son of King Croesus. Despite a prophecy warning of his death, Attis was accidentally killed in a boar hunt. In later times, he was seen as the son of Nana, a nymph or female spirit, and Agdistis, a hermaphrodite monster (though technically, Agdistis was the grandfather; Attis’ father was actually a tree (more on this later). He was the consort (in some accounts lover) of Cybele/Kybele, the Phygrian mother goddess. There are varying accounts as to how he died and what happened afterwards, but he nevertheless went on to be worshipped as a god in Phrygia (a land located in Asia Minor (Modern Turkey).

So, was Jesus Christ based on Attis?

Short Answer:

Do bears live on Mars?

Long answer:

(Before continuing, I want to warn the reader; some of the details of Attis’ myth are sexually graphic in nature. Its like something that both Salvador Dali, the surrealist artist, and Jerry Springer might come up with if they lived at the same time and worked together, possibly while snorting crack. Reader discretion is advised).

1. Born on December 25th?

Nope. No mainstream (i.e. non-Jesus Mythicist) book or ancient text makes such a claim.

2. Born of a virgin?

There are some ancient sources that say that Attis was the son of Cybele (Identified by some ancient Greeks and Romans with the goddess Rhea, and by others as the Greek Goddess Demeter.) , and at least one where it is described as a “virgin” conception or birth (though this was not the mainstream myth). This may be derived from the fact that, in one version of the myth, Cybele is identified with Agdistis (“Agdistis” was at times an alternate name for the goddess Cybele). However, not only would Cybele be in the latter case Attis’ father or grandfather (more on this later, hope you’re not squeamish) but this conception would be more accurately rendered “sexless” rather than “virgin”.

Because, you see…Cybele was known to have had SEX!

You heard me, Ron.

King Midas, the mythical king who could turn anything he touched into gold, was said to be the son of King Gordius and Cybele. He was NEVER (repeat) NEVER described as being the product of sexless or virgin conception (To be fair, in another version of the myth, Midas was adopted by King Gordius, but even this one doesn’t state that he was virgin born). In another version of her myth, she was raped by Zeus. She was also said to have had several husbands (Iasion, Olympos, and as we will see, Cronus). She bore Iasion a son named Corybas/Korybas, and she bore Olympos and a daughter named Alce-Cybele/Ake-Kybele. Some believe that the latter story is probably one part of a larger Euhemerist interpretation of Cybele’s myth, ie. to see a more historical reality hidden within the myth. Thus gods could be based on real people, certain events in myth would have actually been more mundane in real life, etc. However, not only is this not known for sure, but in Diodorus’ Siculus’ (1 century BC Greek Historian) account of the myth, the gods are still listed as…gods, not mortals. Indeed, in some versions of her myth, she is the wife of Cronus, god of time and father of Zeus. The reason why she was thought to be such is because she was identified by some with Rhea, Cronus’ wife in Greek myth. Though the two goddesses had far different mythologies (thus one of the problems with identifying on god or goddess with another), their stories became so intertwined that Cybele was eventually seen as Cronus’ wife (Cronus was known to have sex).

Now there is one myth were Cybele is mistaken for a virgin. In this tale, she is the mortal daughter of King Meion and Queen Dindyme. She was left to die in the wilderness after she was born, but miraculously survived and later had SEX with Attis (who is not her son in this version of the myth). Her father discovers that she is alive, taking her in. He thinks that she is a virgin…till he finds out otherwise.

Thus, we can conclude…that she “got around”.

Not much of a virgin, eh?

Some Jesus Mythicists will protest, saying that, in the version of the myth where Cybele and Agdistis are the same being, that she would have sired Attis long before any of these flings occurred (she’s never pictured as sleeping with her lovers while a hermaphrodite). However, not only would Cybele be technically Attis father or grandfather instead of mother (you’ll see why later on), there is nothing in the myths that state that she didn’t have sex before she, um…”sired” Attis (Once again, more on this later). Jesus Mythicists will protest again, saying that both Julian the Apostate and Saint Augustine of Hippo both relate that Cybele was indeed a virgin. True, both Julian the Apostate and Saint Augustine (who called Cybele “Cœlestis”) do state that she was a virgin, but both men lived in the fourth century AD (Augustine dying in the 5th century), while the texts showing that Cybele was not a virgin predate them by centuries. Indeed, scholars believe that Julian derived Cybele’s virginity from that of the Virgin Mary.

Thus, Paganism was borrowing from Christianity.

Thus, Jesus Mythicists have no case here.

So…what do we know about the birth of Attis?

In some accounts (including the oldest account from Herodotus), Attis is the son of a mortal man (hard for mortal men to be fathers without a combination of women and SEX!). In Herodotus’ account, where Attis is spelled “Atys”, his father is King Croesus, while his mother is never named. Later, when Herodotus mentions Cybele in connection to a battle that King Croesus fought, he never states that she was Attis’ mother. In one version of the myth that Pausanias, the ancient Greek Travelogue cites, Attis is the son of a mortal named Galaus the Phrygian, and was born a eunuch. In some accounts Attis is simply a foundling, a child left in the wilderness to die (though this detail also pops up in tales where he has a divine mother).

In the mainstream myth (which postdates the version of the myth that Herodotus tells) , Zeus masturbates on Mt. Agdus, which to him looks like the goddess Rhea (his…mother. Cybele was identified with Rhea). His semen hits the land and produces an almond tree. One of its fruits fell on the lap of Nana, a nymph and the daughter of a river god.

Thus, she becomes pregnant.

In another, a hermaphrodite monster named Agdistis (Likewise born of Zeus masturbating on Mt. Agdus) was made drunk by the gods (adding wine to the pool where the monster bathed in). They tied Agdistis' genitals to a tree after the monster went to sleep. When Agdistis awoke and moved, the monster was inevitably castrated.

A pomegranate tree (some sources state an almond tree) arose from the severed genitals. Nana gathered its fruit in her lap, one of which disappeared (in one account she pushed the fruit into her womb, possibly hinting at her kinky nature), and she suddenly became pregnant. Sounds at first like a virgin birth...until you realize one important detail.

Nana is never called a virgin.

Though some modern books state otherwise (Such as M.J. Vermaseren’s “the Legend of Attis in Greek and Roman Art”), we have no ancient sources that state that she was indeed a virgin. Indeed, Nymphs were usually the object of intense sexual desire (this is where the term “Nymphomaniac” comes from). They were generally amorous, and were often recorded as having sexual relations with mortal men. Their beauty was enough to drive men insane.

There were some virgin nymphs (the Muses, Callisto (the latter of whom was a companion of the virgin goddess Artemis) but this virginity wasn’t totally safe (Zeus raped Callisto in the form of Artemis) and virgin nymphs were the exceptions, not the rule. Nana is not married already in the myth, but that doesn’t mean that she wasn’t having sex prior to this incident (most, if not all, sexual relations between nymphs and mortals did not involve a marriage).

Now there is a version of the myth where Nana is the mortal daughter of a king, who flees after her father intends to kill her for what he perceives to be evidence of fornication (i.e. her pregnancy). In some accounts where she is a nymph, her divine father likewise suspected that she had sex and thus sought to kill her. This is as close to a virgin birth as Attis gets, though we have to remember that just because Nana didn’t sexually conceive Attis doesn’t necessarily mean that she actually never had sex period, or that she didn’t have sex while pregnant (Yes, some people in the ancient world did have sex outside of marriage. Why do you think the Bible mentions and even condemns the practice? see Deuteronomy 22:28-29, 1 Corinthians 7:1-2, 8-9). Contrast that to the Biblical evidence for Mary’s virginity (Matthew 1:18-25, Luke 1:26-34, 2:1-7). True, Nana didn’t have a child before Attis, but then again, people have had sex without conceiving a child (even when protection isn’t used), and there are sexual acts that will never, ever result in a pregnancy.

Thus, we can’t say that Nana was a virgin.

Jesus Mythicists may protest, saying that an ancient inscription from Pereus mentions a goddess named “Atremis-Nana”, thus proving that Nana was a virgin. After all, why would she be identified with Artemis, a virgin goddess, if she wasn’t a virgin herself?

Well, that depends on which “Nana” is being identified with Artemis.

You see, there were several goddesses named Nana.

The Babylonian goddess Nana (not to be confused with the god Nanna) was often identified with Artemis in Asia Minor (which is why some scholars have identified Artemis-Nana with her, not Nana the mother of Attis). This is intriguing, considering that the Asian version of Artemis wasn’t a virgin. Indeed, Ancient Armenia also had a mother goddess named Nana as well. Sometimes, ancient gods could share the same name. Indeed, the Sumerian god Nanna (aka Sin), shares the same name as a Norse goddess of vegetation!!!

To be fair, some scholars have tried to connect the dots between Nana, Artemis-Nana and the Phrygian Nymph Nana (and no doubt the Armenian mother goddess Nana), and ancient cultures may have identified one Nana with another. Perhaps the Armenian Nana is a different version of the Phrygian Nymph Nana.

However, remember the problem of identification; the gods might be identified, but their myths will be different. Artemis is one of the 12 major Olympian deities, while the Phrygian Nana is a nymph, a lesser divinity. Artemis is a twin (her bother is Apollo), while Nana is never said to have a twin. In all her myths, Artemis is always a deity, while Nana is a mortal in some myths. Artemis is the daughter of Zeus and the Titan Leto, while the Nymph Nana is the daughter of the River God Sangarius. Artemis is a major goddess that is immortal (i.e. indestructible as well as everlasting), while nymphs like Nana could be killed. Artemis is never a mother, while Nana is. One cannot say that Nana is a virgin because some in the ancient world identified her with Artemis, anymore than we can say that Artemis is a mother because she is identified with Nana (and as we seen, Nana the Nymph’s identification with Artemis-Nana is tentative). Indeed, Artemis and Nana are different goddesses in the Greek mythos.

Thus, not as much of a connection as Jesus Mythicists would hope.

I Haven't even brought up the differences between the Babylonian, Phrygian and Armenian Nanas (trying to keep this as short as possible).

We have no evidence that Nana was a virgin. There is no primary source that states that Nana was a virgin. Attis had a sexless conception to be sure (though the fact that Nana, in one of the versions of the myth, shoves a pomegranate into her womb, shows some odd sexual connotations), but not a virgin one. Indeed, there are other gods (and monsters) who had sexless conceptions, and many have little to no similarities to Christ at all (Ouranos, Mars, Agdistis, the Gigantes (Giants with serpents for legs), Meliae (Ash tree nymphs), the Erinyes/Furies, Aphrodite (in one version of her myth), etc.

So much for a virgin birth.

3. Savior slain for mankind?

Nope.

4. Body represented by bread and wine in a Eucharist/Lord’s Supper?

There was a communal meal where eating and drinking from cymbals was noted. Jesus Mythicists will say that the food “was most likely” (repeat: most likely) bread and wine. Um, someone should have told them that bread and wine were forbidden at Attis festivals.

The most likely item on the menu in this ritual was…milk.

5. A shepherd?

Yes, Attis was a literal shepherd.

Jesus was called “The Good Shepherd”...metaphorically. He was a literal carpenter and Rabbi (Mark 6:3, John 3:1-3).

6. Called “Divine Son” and “Father”?

Attis never had the former title. he was the son of a nymph named Nana and a monster/demon named Agdistis. In some versions Agdistis is identified with Cybele, thus making him the son of two goddesses (Nymphs like Nana were lesser female deities). However, in Herodotus’ account, he’s the mortal son of a King. In one account, Nana is a mortal (still impregnated by Agdistis’ tree). In another account, he was the son of a mortal named “Galaus the Phrygian”. No divine ancestry is noted in that version either. In another account, he started out life as simply a mortal foundling.

And as for “father”; He was indeed called “Papas” or Father.

Jesus, i.e. God the Son, was not.

In one version of the myth, Attis has sex with Cybele and they have a child. In this version, Cybele is a mortal (The daughter of King Meion of Phrygia), though she eventually becomes a goddess in the tale. Some of the ancients identified Attis with Iasion, one of Cybele’s hubbies, and they conceived Corybas. So he was, in at least one version of his myth, a literal father (not in others. Indeed in one account he was born a eunuch). Compare this to Jesus, whom we have no evidence that he was even married, let alone a father.

So, given that Jesus was not called “Father”, and thus has no connection with Attis here, why do Jesus Mythicists continue to bring this idea up?

Because Jesus said in John 10:30 “I and the Father are one.”

I’ll give you a moment to recover from the intellectual equivalent of a fart.

Since Jesus was the Son of God, this makes him out to be both a “Divine Son” and “Father”, in the Jesus Mythicist view.

However, Jesus is not the Son of God in the same way that Attis and others with a divine parent were. Jesus isn’t a demigod, or a different god from God the Father; they are a trinity, three persons, one god. This is why Jesus told his disciples to “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,” (Matthew 28:19), instead of saying “baptizing them in the NAME of the Father and the NAME of the Son and the NAME of the Holy Spirit.” That’s why he didn’t say “Baptizing them in the NAMES of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.” Indeed, Jesus existed long before he was conceived in the womb (John 1:1-3, 8:58), something we cannot say of Attis. The term “Father” was reserved for God the Father, not Jesus. Though they are the same god, they are different persons within the trinity.

Attis is not part of a trinity. He is a single god, a single person, who just happens to be called “Papas”, and who happens to be a son of a goddess in some versions of his myth.

Thus, no connection between Jesus and Attis.

7. Attis worshippers sacrificed a bull or sheep (the Taurobolium), where initiates were considered born again? Was it referred to as “washed in the blood of the lamb”?

There was a Taurobolium, and it did involve a bull sacrifice (sheep were a less expensive alternative). However, the earliest source that discusses this is in the 2nd century AD (postdating the New testament). Also, we have no record of people believing that this ritual saved souls until 400 AD.

8. Crucified?

No. In Herodotus’ version, he dies on a boar hunt, courtesy of friendly fire. In the mainstream version of the myth, Attis fell in love with a nymph and planned to marry her, despite his pledge to the goddess Cybele to remain chaste for her (Cybele actually loved him). She drove him mad, which led to him castrating himself under a pine tree (In some accounts Agdistis does this), and subsequently bled to death. In one account, after his madness faded and he realized that he had made himself a eunuch, he attempted suicide. However, before he could carry it out, Cybele turned him into a fir tree (no death in this version). In another, a boar kills him. In another he bled to death and was reborn (No resurrected, mind you. Reborn/reincarnated).

Poor, poor Attis.

Oh and BTW: did any of those fates sound like a crucifixion?

Ehhhhh nope.

What about the Attis holiday held on March 22nd, where a pine tree was cut down and an effigy of Attis was tied to it? Well, this didn’t represent a crucifixion; it represent Attis death under a tree. The effigy was tied to it for practical reasons (Remember, together they represent Attis’ death under a tree. The scene wouldn’t look right if the effigy was left behind while the tree was carried away!). The Roman Emperor Claudius was said to have instituted this holiday (41-54 AD) , but this claim dates back to the 6th century AD. The only Attis festival attested by a 50 AD calendar is one that was held on the 27th.

So, given the facts of the case…why do Jesus Mythicists continue bring Attis and crucifixion up?

Because Jesus cross was metaphorically likened…to a tree (Acts 5:30).

Attis was said to have turned into a tree or died under one, Jesus’ cross was metaphorical likened to a tree, so there MUST be some kind of connection!

Excuse me while I ram my head into a wall.

8. Resurrected?

Nope. He was reborn (in some sources, he was reborn as a tree. In all sources (including the tree rebirth one), he became a god (seemingly reborn as a god). Reincarnation and apotheosis (becoming a god) are NOT the same things as a resurrection! Some modern mythology books make this striking mistake, despite the fact that Resurrection, apotheosis and reincarnation have totally different definitions (see your Webster’s dictionary). In one version of the Attis myth, he never died (he turned into a tree before he could commit suicide). In another, Agdistis asks Zeus to revive Attis. Zeus responds by keeping Attis’ body from decay, making one of his fingers constantly move and his hair to keep growing.

In other words, Zeus did a half-butt job.

Oh and by the way; the oldest texts that speak of Attis having any kind of resurrection postdate the time of Christ considerably. Indeed, all such supposed similarities with Christ are found in texts that postdate the time of Christ by...several hundred years.

Think about that as we continue.

9. Killed on a Black Friday?

Nope. There is no Black Friday mentioned in his mythos.

10. Killed on March 25th?

Oh, there was festival called the Hilaria that was celebrated on this date. It implied that Attis returned from the Underworld, but not an execution. Indeed, the earliest attestation of this holiday dates to the 3rd-4rth century AD.

11. His priests were made eunuchs for the Kingdom of Heaven?

No, they were castrated in homage to the castration of Attis. In early Christianity, all Christians were a royal priesthood (1 Peter 2:5,9). Early Christians were not Eunuchs. Jesus mentioned that there were men who lived like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven (Matt 19:12), but this is in reference to the Essenes, a Jewish sect whose members most often refused to marry.

Wow…see what happens when you dig into the Hebrew culture which Christianity derived from, instead of trying your best to find a pagan parallel?

Should Jewish culture always be ignored in favor of pagan culture when considering the background of Christianity, which was originally a…Jewish sect?

The Attis Myth has many different versions, and Jesus Mythicists will try to take elements out of several of them and combine them into a narrative that, in their eyes, fits that of Christ in the Gospels. They also ignore parts of these myths that are even more inconvenient for their case. The oldest version of the tale, as told by Herodotus, is ignored. The other account that likewise describe him as the mortal son of mortals (once again with no supernatural conception) is likewise ignored. The fact that Cybele wasn’t a virgin, that Agdistis (whether identified with Cybele or not) is never called as such in the ancient sources, that Nana is never called as such in the ancient sources, that Attis was never crucified, that his festivals didn’t indicate that he was crucified, that he was reborn instead of resurrected, that he never had a Lord’s Supper, that any supposed similarities to Christianity post-date the New testament, that Julian the Apostate mixed Christianity with paganism, etc are also ignored. What’s also ignored is that scholars who study Attis note that the Attis cult borrowed from Christianity, not vice versa.

Jesus was not based on Attis.

Jesus is real, not myth.

Sources:

Herodotus “The Histories”, 1.36-46, 80 Ovid “Metamorphoses”, 10.103 Ovid “Fasti” 4.179-246 Pausanias "Description of Greece", 7.17.9-13

https://www.theoi.com/Text/Pausanias7B.html

Diodorus Siculus “Library of History”, 3.58-59, 5.49 Pseudo-Hyginus, “Fabulae”, 191, 274 Nonnus, “Dionysiaca”, 20.35, 25.310 Arnobius, “Against the Heathen”, 5.6

https://www.newadvent.org/fathers/06315.htm

Julian the Apostate “Hymn to the Mother of the Gods”, 166b Saint Augustine, “City of God”, 2.26

https://www.newadvent.org/fathers/120102.htm

"Titans and Olympians: Greek and Roman Myth" by Tony Allan, Sarah Maitland, and Dr Michael Trapp (consultant), 31, see also 27, 48, 62 “The Age of Fable” by Thomas Bulfinch, 117 “The Legend of Attis in Greek and Roman Art” by M.J. Vermaseren, 1-6 “Cybele and Attis: The Myth and the Cult” by M.J. Vermaseren, 91 “Cassell Dictionary of Classical Mythology” by Jenny March, 119, see also 32, 81 “The Mythology Book: Big Ideas Simply Explained” by Philip Wilkinson (Consultant), 116-17 “The Ultimate Encyclopedia of Mythology” by Arthur Cotterell and Rachel Storm, 261, 270,272-73, 313, see also 51, 63 “The Penguin Dictionary of Classical Mythology” by Pierre Grimal, 27-28, 69, 112, 393, see also 82-83, 297-98 “Encyclopedia of Gods” by Michael Jordan, 141, 176-77

“A Study of Women in Attic Inscriptions” by Helen McClees, PhD, 25

https://books.google.com/books?id=Q87sMk1a-MIC&pg=PA25&dq=Artemis-Nana&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiDp_rfzrrlAhVFLKwKHXDgCh8Q6AEwAXoECAQQAg#v=onepage&q=Artemis-Nana&f=false

“Soteriology And Mystic Aspects in the Cult of Cybele and Attis” by Giulia Sfameni Gasparro, 50 “Orion: The Myth of the Hunter and the Huntress” by Joseph Fontenrose, 216

https://books.google.com/books?id=tD4lJxC95mEC&pg=PA216&dq=Artemis-Nana&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwilte-r0rrlAhVPR60KHcZpDLUQ6AEwAnoECAIQAg#v=onepage&q=Artemis-Nana&f=false

“Emperor and Author: The Writings of Julian the Apostate” by Nicholas Baker-Brian and Shaun Tougher (Editors), 223-24

https://books.google.com/books?id=CPZODgAAQBAJ&pg=PA223&lpg=PA223&dq=cybele+motherless+virgin&source=bl&ots=IVIba3LcHH&sig=ACfU3U2lqywj_ShyU-sCAjk_6P1zPZETYg&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiVz7C-w7rlAhVDOq0KHWxFDN0Q6AEwA3oECAkQAQ#v=onepage&q=cybele%20motherless%20virgin&f=false

“An Encyclopedia of Religions” by Maurice Arthur Canney, 125

https://books.google.com/books?id=EycnAQAAIAAJ&pg=PA125&lpg=PA125&dq=Cybele+C%C5%93lestis&source=bl&ots=5w7bPC1Jya&sig=ACfU3U3izeKmY44UJBx3iLUdCZsmozbdvg&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiOhZPnxLrlAhUOGKwKHZe_Dh4Q6AEwC3oECAkQAQ#v=onepage&q=Cybele%20C%C5%93lestis&f=false

https://www.ancient-origins.net/myths-legends-europe/pagan-attis-and-christian-jesus-spurious-connection-009634

http://www.tektonics.org/copycat/attis.php

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7-9aVdOKy0&feature=emb_title

https://books.google.com/books?id=H-qCAgAAQBAJ&pg=PT135&dq=Cybele+was+attis%27+mother&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjSy-Wmq6HlAhUCXa0KHRdYDuw4UBDoATAFegQIBRAC#v=onepage&q=Cybele%20was%20attis'%20mother&f=false

“Shattering the Christ Myth” By James Patrick Holding, 299

https://books.google.com/books?id=2XHysoHc2ksC&pg=PA299&dq=Galaus+the+Phrygian&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjT4sGo46HlAhVKQ6wKHciTAGoQuwUwAHoECAIQBQ#v=onepage&q=Galaus%20the%20Phrygian&f=false

“Attis, Between Myth and History: King, Priest, and God” By Maria Grazia Lancellotti, 92

https://books.google.com/books?id=oE8vW4BX9kwC&pg=PA92&dq=who+was+attis%27+mother?&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjpneqKhqLlAhUEc60KHSJWDtUQ6AEwA3oECAMQAg#v=onepage&q=who%20was%20attis'%20mother%3F&f=false

https://withalliamgod.wordpress.com/2011/01/21/refuting-attis-myth-parallelism-to-christianity/

https://www.ancient.eu/Cybele/

https://www.theoi.com/Phrygios/Kybele.html

https://www.ancient.eu/nymph/

http://www.realmermaids.net/mermaid-legends/nymph/

https://womeninantiquity.wordpress.com/2017/04/02/the-nymphs/

“Encyclopedia of the Ancient Greek World” By David Sacks, Oswyn Murray, Lisa R. Brody, 226

https://books.google.com/books?id=yyrao0dadqAC&pg=PA226&dq=Nymphs+myth+Nymphomaniac&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjZxqaq4KHlAhVPUK0KHfB4DMMQ6AEwAnoECAYQAg#v=onepage&q=Nymphs%20myth%20Nymphomaniac&f=false

“Nymphomania: A History” By Carol Groneman, 185

https://books.google.com/books?id=lnmJsQq5abkC&pg=PA185&dq=Nymphs+Nymphomaniac&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiatcrX3aHlAhUMna0KHYOUAhMQuwUwBnoECAUQBQ#v=onepage&q=Nymphs%20Nymphomaniac&f=false

“Functional and Dysfunctional Sexual Behavior: A Synthesis of Neuroscience and Comparative Psychology” by Anders Agmo, 430

https://books.google.com/books?id=mmJjj6UvB9YC&pg=PA430&dq=Nymphs+hypersexual&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiW-9mg3aHlAhUEM6wKHZCIDjwQuwUwAnoECAUQBQ#v=onepage&q=Nymphs%20hypersexual&f=false

https://www.theoi.com/Olympios/Artemis.html

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jomanuworld · 5 years ago

Video

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Jesus Christ Superstar (1973) - The Last Supper

“BLEACHING THE CLOUDY, CONFUSING, TEDIOUS AND PAINFUL HISTORICAL PATHWAY OF GODS CREATED BY HUMAN TROGLODYTES OVER THE YEARS TO JUSTIFY OUR EXISTENCE IN THE UNIVERSE.” I'M ALL CONFUSED, BROKEN- HEARTED, AS WELL AS A VICTIM OF RELIGIOUS INDOCTRINATION EXPERIENCING PARALYSIS BY ANALYSIS AND 75% OF MY DENDRITES ARE FRIED!! HUMAN TROGLODYTES HAVE EXPERIENCED MORE THAN 7000 YEARS OF RELIGIOUS TORTURE AND PSYCHOLOGICAL INDOCTRINATION IN THE NAME OF AN ILLUSIVE GOD. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY ADOLF HITLER WAS TRYING TO EXTERMINATE THE JEWISH RACE FROM PLANET EARTH. FIRST, THE JEWS MANUFACTURED THEIR FAKE NEW GOD BY COERCION AND TO PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM EXTERNAL ANNIHILATION. SECOND, HITLER DID NOT LIKE THE RELATIVE NEW SOCIAL/REVOLUTIONARY AND RADICAL IDEAS INTRODUCED BY JEWISH COMMUNISTS TO REPLACE RUSSIA'S DESPOTIC CZAR. THEREFORE, LET'S JUMP INTO OUR IMAGINARY TIME MACHINE AND LET'S BEGIN FROM TIME 0!

ACCORDING TO BRITISH ANTHROPOLOGIST EDWARD BURNETT TYLOR, (10/1832 - 01/1917), "ANIMISM IS THE FIRST STAGE IN A EVOLUTIONARY TREE OF INCREASING CULTURAL COMPLEXITY SOCIETIES." IN OTHER WORDS, HUMAN TROGLODYTES FIRST PRIMITIVE RELIGION WAS ANIMISM, FOLLOWED BY POLYTHEISM, FOLLOWED BY MONOTHEISM, AND FINALLY CULMINATING AND EMBRACING SCIENTIFIC RATIONALISM. IN SHORT, TYLOR WITH HIS THEORY OF HUMAN-GOD EVOLUTION HAS MURDERED ALL THE GODS CREATED BY PRIMITIVE TROGLODYTES OVER THE YEARS. THIS MEANS THAT YAHWEH WAS AN ELUSIVE GOD FROM THE BEGINNING OF TIME, SATAN HAS NO JOB, UNEMPLOYED FOREVER, AHURA MAZDA HAS NO PURPOSE IN THIS PLANET, BABALU-AYE IS A PLANETARY ENIGMA, AND VOODOO PRIESTS ARE WASTING THEIR TIME BY SACRIFICING ANIMALS TO FEED SPIRITS.

DID MOSES REALLY EXPERIENCE A PRIVATE DIALOG WITH YAHWEH, CALLED REVELATION, OR WE AGNOSTICS SHOULD CONSIDER MOSES ANOTHER MISGUIDED PROPHET TRAPPED IN HIS OWN LITTLE WORLD OF DAILY PRAYERS AND BORROWED AND/OR STOLEN PHILOSOPHICAL IDEAS AND CONCEPTS FROM PREVIOUS PRE-FABRICATED AND PSEUDO-RELIGIONS TO CREATE A NEW POTENT GOD BY INTIMIDATION AND COERCION? “IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE BY THE LAW, YOU SHALL DIE BY THE LAW!” IS THE “LIVE BY THE LAW” CODE OF LAW WAS STOLEN FROM HAMMURABI’S CODE OF LAW BY MOSES OR ABRAM?

DID HEBREWS STEAL MYSTICAL CONCEPTS FROM ZOROASTRIANISM RELIGION TO CREATE ANOTHER ILLUSIVE AND MUCH MORE POTENT GOD (BASED ON THEIR NEEDS)? IS AHURA MAZDA MUCH MORE POWERFUL AND CREATIVE DEITY THAN YAHWEH? WHICH DEITIES CONTROLS AND PROTECT THE AKASHIC RECORDS FROM PAGANS AND THE GROWING MOB OF NON-BELIEVERS IN OUR TIME? YAHWEH OR AHURA MAZDA?

IS THIS HEBREW GOD YAHWEH CRAZY OR ANOTHER MISGUIDED DIVINE ENTITY?????!!!

I'M SCARED TO DEATH!! THE MORE I LOOK INTO THE HOLY BIBLE, I GET MORE CONFUSED. SPOOKY, FABRICATED, EXTRAPOLATED LIES AND CONTRADICTIONS ARE SCATTERED THROUGHOUT THE HOLY NOVELLA LEAVING READERS IN LIMBO AND CONFUSED. I'M DIVING INTO MY THIRD EYE TO REALLY FIND OUT WHO IS THE CREATOR OF THIS PLANET AND WHAT IS INSIDE OUR BRAIN THAT MAKES US THINK AND BELIEF IN A SUPREME GOD, A CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE. THAT'S WHY I AM TRACKING AND DECODING THE HEBREWS, MOSES AND THE YAHOO - YAHWEH GODS!!!!! TRACKING YAHWEH'S ABRACADABRA LIES AND THE CONTRADICTIONS OF THE BIBLE. TRACKING, DECODING THE JESUS ENIGMA/PARADOX AND THE PAINFUL EVOLUTIONARY PROCESS FROM HUMAN TROGLODYTE TO HUMAN GOD BECAUSE PRAYING FOR A GOD WHO WASN'T THERE NOR ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE TO SOLVE OUR HUMAN DILEMMAS IS NOT A WAY OUT TO ESCAPE FROM OUR REALITY! ANYWAY, YAHWEH IS DEAD AND ALL THOSE FILTHY JEWISH CHARACTERS FROM THE BIBLE KILLED JESUS!!!!! THE SPOOKY DIVINE COMEDY CANTICA/NOVELLA CHARACTERS ARE MORE STIMULATING AND REALISTIC THAN THOSE CROOKED CAIAPHAS, RAPISTS, SODOMITES, HOMOSEXUALS, PROSTITUTES, MACHO MEN LESBIANS, BIBLE PIMPS ACTING AS PATRIARCHS, MACHO MEN WARRIORS AND GOD'S FREAKS CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THE HOLY BIBLE - NOVELLA. DOES YAHWEH UNDERSTAND CONSCIOUSNESS? WHAT IS DIVINE CONSCIOUSNESS IN THE REALMS OF GODS?

ACCORDING TO KARL MARX, "GOD IS NOTHING MORE THAN A PROJECTION OF THE IDEAL HUMAN." “EUREKA!.” NIRVANA, PERHAPS? THE PERSON WHO CAN'T FULFILLS HIS ESSENCE IN THE REAL WORLD, ACHIEVES IT IN THE GREAT BEYOND AND THIS FANTASY LETS HIM BEAR THE MISERY OF HIS DAILY LIFE. KARL MARX CALLED RELIGION, THE OPIUM OF THE PEOPLE BECAUSE IT LOADS PEOPLE INTO A PASSIVE FORGETFUL STUPOR.

Sabbath-breaking Punished:

32 Now while the sons of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man gathering wood on the sabbath day.

33 Those who saw him gathering wood brought him to Moses and Aaron and all the congregation;

34 and they put him in custody because it had not been declared what should be done to him.

35 Then the Lord said to Moses, “The man shall surely be put to death; all the congregation shall stone him with stones outside the camp.”

36 So all the congregation brought him outside the camp and stoned him to death with stones, just as the Lord had commanded Moses.

37 The Lord also spoke to Moses, saying,

38 “Speak to the sons of Israel, and tell them that they shall make for themselves tassels on the corners of their garments throughout their generations and that they shall put on the tassel of each corner a cord of blue.

39 “It shall be a tassel for you to look at and remember all the commandments of the Lord, to do them and not follow after your own heart and your own eyes, after which you played the harlot,

40 so that you may remember to do all My commandments and be holy to your God.

41 “I am the Lord your God who brought you out from the land of Egypt to be your God; I am the Lord your God.”

The Sign of the Sabbath:

12 The Lord spoke to Moses, saying,

13 “But as for you, speak to the sons of Israel, saying, You shall surely observe My sabbaths; for this is a sign between Me and you throughout your generations, that you may know that I am the Lord who sanctifies you.

14 ‘Therefore you are to observe the Sabbath, for it is holy to you. Everyone who profanes it shall surely be put to death; for whoever does any work on it, that person shall be cut off from among his people.

15 ‘For six days work may be done, but on the seventh day there is a sabbath of complete rest, holy to the Lord; whoever does any work on the sabbath day shall surely

be put to death.

16 ‘So the sons of Israel shall observe the sabbath, to celebrate the sabbath throughout their generations as a perpetual covenant.’

17 “It is a sign between the sons of Israel and Me forever; for in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, but on the seventh day He ceased from labor and was refreshed.”

18 When He had finished speaking with him upon Mount Sinai, He gave Moses the two tablets of the testimony, tablets of stone, written by the finger of God."

IN CONCLUSION, IN MY JOURNEY LOOKING FOR A DIVINE ENTITY, I ONLY FOUND WARS, HUMAN LIES DESIGNED, FABRICATED AND EXTRAPOLATED TO MANIPULATE HUMAN PUPPETS. HUMAN TROGLODYTES CONTROLLING THEIR ENVIRONMENT TO IMPOSE THEIR AUTHORITY AND GOD'S AUTHORITY TO CONTROL OTHERS. YES, AN EYE FOR AN EYE, VINDICTIVE AND ILLUSIVE YAHWEH. NIETZSCHE FINALLY KILLED GOD IN HIS BOOK. "GOD IS DEAD," AND THEN ADOLF HITLER CAME A FEW YEARS LATER TO TRY TO EXTINGUISH THE JEWISH RACE AND OTHER INFERIOR HUMANS IN THE NAME OF HIS NAZI BIOLOGICAL CLEANSING THEORY. SO, MY FINAL QUESTION IS. WHERE WAS YAHWEH AND THE WHOLE HIERARCHY/ARMY OF DEMIGODS WHO WERE CREATED IN MESOPOTAMIA WHEN HITLER WAS TURNING THE JEWISH RACE INTO ASHES TO CREATE A NEW WORLD OF PURE GERMANIC RACE, THE UBERMENSCH, THAT WILL BE CONTROLLED ONLY BY THE WHITE GERMANIC SUPREMACISTS?

IN MY OPINION, THE BIBLE SHOULD BE DOWNGRADED FROM THE WORD OF GOD STATUS TO A COMPILATION OF DISORGANIZED HUMAN IDEAS, REALITIES, AND FANTASIES. THE HUMAN BIBLE CREATED BY HUMAN TROGLODYTES IS OUR ATTEND TO RECORD EVERY HUMAN EXPERIENCE IN A CHAOTIC WORLD. A WORLD WITHOUT LITERATURE. THE BIBLE IS JUST THAT, A COMPILATION OF DISORGANIZED PRIMITIVE LITERATURE. YES, THE FIRST COMPLEX HUMAN NOVELLA USING AND EMPLOYING GOD AS OUR CREATOR AND THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE.

IN THE BEGINNING, WE ALL BOYS, ARE ALL GIRLS. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY MEN POSSESS TWO NIPPLES IN THEIR CHEST AND LADIES HAVE AN ATROPHIED PENIS HEAD CALLED CLITORIS!!!! NO WONDER THERE ARE SO MANY SISSY BOYS AND LESBIAN MACHO MAN IN THIS PLANET.!!! ALL SISSY BOYS AND LESBIANS MACHO MEN POSSESS BAD, TWISTED, AND DEGENERATED Y OR X CHROMOSOMES. YAHWEH NOR THE HEBREWS FROM THE SPOOKY BIBLE DID NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE X AND Y CHROMOSOMES PARADOX. SO, IN THE BEGINNING, THE HEBREW BIBLE IS ALL A FAKE NOVELLA NOT THE WORDS OF YAHWEH. EVE WAS NOT CREATED OUT OF ADAM'S RIB AFTER ALL. WAS ADAM A HERMAPHRODITE?

WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND!!!! LIKE THE WORLD OF DISNEY SONG GOES. "IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL." WE ALL ARE LIVING IN A FAKE WORLD PRE-FABRICATED BY HUMAN TROGLODYTES TRYING TO MIMIC GOD AND THE MAN WHO MOVED FORWARD WITH THE ULTIMATE THESIS WAS ADOLF HITLER. SO, KARL MARX IS ALSO CORRECT IN HIS STATEMENT REGARDING RELIGION. "RELIGION IS THE OPIUM OF THE PEOPLE." "IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL."!!!!!??? AMEN.!

NOW I UNDERSTAND, ADOLF HITLER SPOOKY EXPERIMENT WITH THE JEWS AND REDUCING THE HEBREW RACE TO NOTHING. YES, TO LESS THAN A VEGETABLE BY DESTROYING THE JEWISH COMMUNIST POPULATION AND CREATING NEW JOBS FOR THE UNEMPLOYED GERMANIC RACE. YES, ADOLF HITLER EMBRACED CHRISTIANITY, THE ROMANS MEGALOMANIAC BEHAVIOR AND FINALLY THE IDEAS OF FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE TO EXTERMINATE THE HEBREW RACE TO CREATE THE NEW GERMANY WITH PURE WHITE GERMANIC SUPERMEN THAT WILL CONTROL THE WORLD WITHOUT A MONO-UNIVERSAL GOD.

AFTER ALL THE PRAYERS, TRIALS, TRIBULATIONS, AND MEDITATIONS OVER THE LAST 7000 YEARS, NO DIVINE ENTITY HAS COME TO THE RESCUE, TO PROTECT ISRAEL AND IN MY OPINION, ADOLPH HITLER AND COMMUNISTS CHALLENGED YAHWEH TO COME FORWARD BUT HE DID NOT SPEAK OUT. COMMUNISTS AND NAZIS HAVE TORTURED MANY JEWISH PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD AND YAHWEH HAS REMAINED SILENT ALL THESE YEARS. YAHWEH DID NOT REVEAL HIMSELF TO MOSES AND WHAT HAVE BEEN KEEPING JEWS, MUSLIMS, AND CHRISTIANS ALIVE ALL THESE YEARS IS THEIR FAITH. “IT’S FOOLISH TO ATTEMPT TO PROOF TO INFIDELS THAT THE SCRIPTURE IS THE WORD OF GOD, SINCE THIS CAN ONLY BE KNOWN BY FAITH.”

YES, THE TIME WILL COME WHEN CIVILIZATION WILL NO LONGER BE PAYING ATTENTION TO SOCIALISTS NOR COMMUNISTS OUTCRIES BUT IN THE MEANTIME GREEDY CAPITALISTS WILL CONTINUE INFLATING THE PRICES OF GOODS AND SERVICES TO COPE WITH MORE PERSONAL AND CORPORATE DEBTS AND ULTIMATELY MORE REVENUE AND ONLY THEN WE WILL EXPERIENCE OUR NEW AND IMPROVED UNIVERSAL RELIGION CALLED "ANARCHISM." THE WORLD WILL BECOME SO OVERPOPULATED, FRAGMENTED, AND BROKEN THAT THE NEW GENERATION OF HUMAN TROGLODYTES WILL END UP LIKE IN CHARLTON HESTON MOVIE, SOYLENT GREEN. YES, LIVING IN A WORLD OVERPOPULATED AND NO LAND AVAILABLE FOR FARMING AND THE ENTIRE ANIMAL POPULATION DESTROYED OR CONSUMED BY HUMANS ACTING AS PLANET EARTH GODS. A SOCIALIST - ANARCHIST CRUEL WORLD. YES, WE WILL EAT EACH OTHER FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DINNER, WORSE THAN IN THE BIBLE STORIES. NO COWS, NO MORE CREAMY HOT CHOCOLATE, NO MILK, NO COLD DRINKS WITH ICE CUBES, NO MORE CREAMY ESPRESSO, NO MEAT, CONTROLLED WATER SUPPLY, A 4 OZ JAR OF STRAWBERRY JAM WILL COST $50.00 (IF YOU HAVE THE MONEY) BUT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO EAT SOYLENT GREEN CRACKERS MADE OUT OF PROCESSED HUMAN CADAVERS. AND FINALLY, LIKE IN ALL SOCIALISTS AND COMMUNISTS COUNTRIES, THE SOYLENT GREEN CRACKERS WILL BE RATIONALIZED LIKE IN THE FORMER SOVIET UNION AND OTHER COMMUNISTS COUNTRIES. AMEN!!!

CONSEQUENTLY, THE GRANDIOSE, ENIGMATIC AND UNIVERSAL QUESTION REMAINS IN FORCE. ARE WE, THE HUMAN TROGLODYTES SPECIMEN POPPETS OF GODS OR WE REALLY PRETENDING TO BE GODS’ OF PLANET EARTH BY EXTERMINATING THE ANIMAL KINGDOM AND FAUNA IN ORDER TO MAKE MORE MONEY IN REAL ESTATE?

ALL MEN MADE RELIGIONS HAVE BEEN MANIPULATED OVER THE YEARS TO ACCOMMODATE HUMAN INSANITIES FOR A LONG TIME NOW, THEREFORE THE TIME HAS COME FOR HUMAN TROGLODYTES TO PROTECT MOTHER NATURE AND THE ANIMAL KINGDOM FROM PSYCHO-HUNTER- CRIMINALS WHO ARE DETERMINED TO DISTORT/ALTER PLANET EARTH ECOSYSTEMS AND THE GLOBAL FAUNA IN THE NAME OF MORE EXPENSIVE REAL ESTATE PROPERTIES IN ORDER TO GENERATE MORE REVENUE. IT IS UP TO US, HUMANS TO BUILD/MAINTAIN OUR PLANET LIKE A GLOBAL PARADISE IN ACCORD TO THE BIBLE PROPHETS AND FANTASIES OR APPLY MOSES' PRINCIPLE IN COMMUNISTS AS WELL AS CAPITALISTS COUNTRIES AS FOLLOW. "IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO LIVE BY THE LAW, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE BY THE LAW." A GLOBAL PLAN MUST BE PLACE IN EFFECT IN ORDER TO HALT/SLOWDOWN THE MASSIVE GLOBAL HUMAN REPRODUCTION IN THIS PLANET. ONLY TIME WILL TELL! THE ONLY THING THAT GOVERNMENTS WILL HAVE TO DO IS TO SLOW DOWN THE OVERPOPULATION PROBLEMS, BAN ILLEGAL CHAIN MIGRATION AROUND THE PLANET AND SLOW DOWN THE LEGAL CHAIN MIGRATION BUSINESS.

BIRTH CONTROL WILL ALSO BECOME A POLITICAL ISSUE IN THE U.S WERE THOUSANDS OF LIBERATED WOMEN ARE USING SEX AS AN ECONOMIC TOOL TO OBTAIN LEGAL STATUS, WELFARE, AND FREE MONEY. U.S AUTOMATIC BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP SHOULD BE BANNED ASAP IN ORDER TO HALT THE POPULATION GROWTH.OR THE FUTURE GENERATION OF HUMAN TROGLODYTES/YAHOOS WILL EXPERIENCE A RUDE AND CRUEL AWAKENING SIMILAR TO THE SOYLENT GREEN SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE. AMEN!

WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND!!!

“Let all the poisons that lurk in the mud hatch out!”

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