#Jerry Mabbott

[jerrymabbott]

Flying Monkeys????

Before we got married, we had dinner with Heather’s parents. She told me that her Mom is opinionated and mean. I assured her I could stand up to her. I didn’t and Heather wanted to know why. I said “It got to the point where I was more afraid of the flying monkeys looming outside the restaurant.”

Actually, my Mother-in-law is a wonderful person and I love her. I say that because she reads this…

[michaelogazie]

I Hate Diets!!! — Jerry Mabbott’s Blog My doctor is insane! He wants me to get down to my original weight, but that’s 6 pounds, 5 ounces!

[lionsground]

Jerry Ehman, the astronomer who discovered the Wow! radio signal from space in 1977, explained Live Science he disagreed with the debunk by Antonio Paris who claimed the signal from deep space was caused by two comets. For more info visit https://www.patreon.com/posts/space-signal-are-11740621 💢 Join my Patreon page here ➡️ http://patreon.com/lionsground if you want to support my work and get a reward and gain access to exclusive content. Thank you for supporting me on Patreon: Paul Mabbott Jack Dale Ron Richardson Leonard Mott CaptLateNight Keith Schortzmann Ricky Singh ➡️ https://www.patreon.com/lionsground 🚫 If I miss any advertising / disrespectful comments to anyone make sure to flag them, we're here to enjoy the videos! References https://twitter.com/LILSLOBB https://soundcloud.com/lilslobb

[jerrymabbott]

You're Not Cutting It!!!

You’re Not Cutting It!!!

A hair salon opened right across the street from our old established barber shop. They put up a sign: “WE GIVE SIX DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!” The barber put up his own sign: “WE FIX SIX DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!” Brilliant!

I’ve gone to the same place to get my hair cut for 15 years. It’s not really expensive, they always do a great job. Plus I tip well so someone is always in a hurry to finish so they get the…

[jerrymabbott]

I Can't Make It!!!

I Can’t Make It!!!

Each time I called in to wherever I worked a regular job to tell the boss I couldn’t come in, I tried to make it amusing. Once I told the guy that my car wouldn’t start. He said, “How about the bus?” I said, “I don’t own a bus” and hung up.

Comedy is different. The show must go on at any cost! I’ve risked my life to get to gigs on time even during blizzards, white outs and ice storms. There’s…

[jerrymabbott]

That's Not Even Funny!!!

That’s Not Even Funny!!!

I hate it when someone says “It hurt so bad it wasn’t even funny.” It isn’t supposed to be funny. You got hurt. It shouldn’t be funny unless you’re one of the Three Stooges. Those guys were funny!

I never have never understood that phrase and it’s used all the time. I don’t ever think it’s funny when I get hurt. Watching someone else take a shot to the groin or go flying off of a trampoline is…

[jerrymabbott]

I Don't Like You!!!

I Don’t Like You!!!

The perfect lines to use if you don’t want a second date, preferably right before you speed off after dropping her off; “I’ve had a great time! Unfortunately, it wasn’t with you.”

I know! Very cruel and cowardly but it works as long as she doesn’t know where you live, work or your favorite hangouts because if she knows any of that information she will track you like a bounty hunter and beat you…

[jerrymabbott]

Easter Fun! Let’s Be Violent!!

A guy I know came from a foreign land (legally, Mr. Trump) and wanted to become accustomed to all of our holidays and celebrations. Someone invited him to an Easter egg hunt. He shot six eggs before the S.W.A.T. Team took him down.

Greedy parents ruined Easter in Connecticut a couple of years ago, violently shoving kids to the ground to snatch up all the eggs for themselves during a chaotic…

[jerrymabbott]

How Stupid!!!!

I went to get a screen protector for my phone. The guy sold me an upgrade to a tempered  glass protector. He demonstrated how effective it was by pulling out a phone and pounding it with a hammer! It didn’t even make a scratch. Sold! As soon as I got home, I beat the glass like it was a piñata. The glass is still intact but the phone is now dead. Great.

I hate scratches on my phone. Call me OCD…

[jerrymabbott]

I'm So Confused!!!

I’m So Confused!!!

Suddenly of all of my important cards including my Drivers license, credit cards, insurance cards are missing. I blame Donald Trump for collusion with the thief who took them. There can be no other explanation. 

I know you’re like me. No matter your party affiliation, you’re sick and tired of all of the accusations coming from both sides. And the violence? Come on people now, smile on your…

[jerrymabbott]

My Mother in Law Took Over My Computer!!!!

My computer took a nose dive and wouldn’t work any more. I couldn’t afford a mother board, so instead I got a mother in law board. It’s a little slower, doesn’t understand some commands and just annoys me. 

I’m only kidding about my mother in law. She’s awesome. She has always treated me like her son and I reciprocate by making her laugh hard when I see her or talk to her on the phone. Some…

[jerrymabbott]

I Have Amnesia!!!

Throughout my life, I have always wanted to be somebody. It is now clear that I should have been more specific.

I think we all have dreams about who or what we want to be. I always wanted to do radio, either as a baseball announcer or a dj. I became a disc jockey and learned that I  hate the business. I loved doing my show, just hated the micromanagement that came with it.

I never thought about…

[jerrymabbott]

I Have What????

What do you give to the man who has everything? Simple. Penicillin.

Its kind of like the joke where a man goes to the doctor, not feeling well. After tests the doctor told the man that he had so many illnesses that he needed to be quarantined and fed a steady diet of pizza. “You mean pizza will cure me”? “Of course not”, the doctor said. “It’s the only thing that will fit under the door”.

Its…

[jerrymabbott]

How Do I Stop This Thing???????

To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. He had never done it before and freaked when his horse took off. He yelled, “How do I get it to slow down?!” I yelled, “Bet on it!”

I’ve known a couple of people in my life who became addicted to gambling. It’s a powerful addiction that destroys families and lives. There’s always the chance to win the…

[jerrymabbott]

You Stupid Idiot!!!

When Heather turned 30 I ordered 30 red roses, one for each year of her life. That’s what the card read. The florist decided on his own to make it an even three dozen. Heather got the roses and card and didn’t speak to me for three months.

You can’t be too careful when it comes to her weight or age . Every woman in first world countries is paranoid about it except for Jillian Michaels. She’s got…

[jerrymabbott]

I'm Ellen! Hey, it's me, Ellen! Ellen Wrote a Book! Look, There's My Picture!!

I’m Ellen! Hey, it’s me, Ellen! Ellen Wrote a Book! Look, There’s My Picture!!

“I was coming home from kindergarten–well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.” ~Ellen

Ellen Degeneres is one of my all time favorite comedians. I could never get enough of her stand up act. The joke above is one of my favorites. That said, I can’t stand to watch her talk show or game…