#Heather Mabbott

[jerrymabbott]

You Stupid Idiot!!!

When Heather turned 30 I ordered 30 red roses, one for each year of her life. That’s what the card read. The florist decided on his own to make it an even three dozen. Heather got the roses and card and didn’t speak to me for three months.

You can’t be too careful when it comes to her weight or age . Every woman in first world countries is paranoid about it except for Jillian Michaels. She’s got…

[lionsground]

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[jerrymabbott]

Shut Up!!!

My young daughter came from school with a note that read “Sarah is an exceptional student but she talks too much. I’m going to start a new technique tomorrow.” I wrote back, “Please let me know if it works. I want to try it on her mother.”

Guys, I think most of us have selective hearing when it comes to listening to our wives? Why do we do it? I think it probably depends on the couple and what…

[jerrymabbott]

Yes!! I Meant To Say Yes!!!

I think I know how to determine the length of time between a nano second and a split second. Heather and I were going to dinner and she asked me if her outfit looked good. If I had said yes in a nano second, we would have had a nice dinner and I wouldn’t be sleeping on the couch.

Is been talked about forever; these questions that are so difficult for a man to answer. It’s no mystery. It’s a fun…

[jerrymabbott]

A Tribute To My Wife...

A Tribute To My Wife…

Heather Mabbott is the most sweet, kind, caring, loving, selfless, intelligent, beautiful and funny person I’ve ever met. She gives money, food or whatever is in need to strangers. She helps out her family, works full time and she is my caretaker too since I am disabled, all while suffering from bipolar syndrome herself!

That is an awful lot to try to tackle! But she just does it. She doesn’t…

[jerrymabbott]

You Jerk!!

Yesterday, Heather and I heard a man being really mean to his gorgeous wife. I said, “I’ll never understand why jerks end up with such beautiful wives.” Heather said, “Aw, thank you Jerry. That’s so sweet.”

I see this all too frequently. A wonderful woman marries a handsome man who seems to be “perfect”. May I remind you that there is nothing outside of God that is or ever was perfect. We all…

[jerrymabbott]

I'll Be Back!!!!

I’ll Be Back!!!!

I got my haircut last week. Heather said she was going to get a drink at Starbucks. The salon clerk said “Ma’am, you’ll need to leave us you’re drivers license. We need to know there’s something you’ll want to come back for.”

I don’t enjoy haircuts. Ironically, I like the way it looks and feels afterward, but I guess it’s just the process that gets to me. Firstly, there are very few things…

[jerrymabbott]

I'm Still Here!!!

I’m Still Here!!!

An elderly couple were out for a Sunday drive. The woman said, “Look at us. We used to sit right next to each other all of the time. Now you’re way over there and I’m way over here. What happened?” The man said, “I don’t know, I didn’t move.”

I haven’t thought about that joke for a long time although it’s always been one of my favorites. It’s sort of a glimpse into the human condition. Why do we…

[jerrymabbott]

Who Gets it???!!??

Last night I was in the living room watching TV. I heard Heather ask “Sweetheart, what would you like for dinner, chicken or steak?” I said, “Thanks Honey, I think I want steak.” She said, “You’re having a peanut butter sandwich. I was talking to the dog!”

I don’t know what it is, but I think many women prefer the company of their pets than that of their husband. I get it. The pet doesn’t argue…

[jerrymabbott]

Jon Huntsman Sr. - A Tribute

Jon Huntsman Sr. – A Tribute

There has been so much written about the generosity of this amazing man. A former cancer victim himself, Huntsman dedicated more than a billion dollars in an effort to eradicate that horrible disease. He inspired so many to raise money every year as well.

Jon Huntsman was extraordinary in that he paid all overhead expenses for the Huntsman Cancer Foundation so that every single penny donated…

[jerrymabbott]

We Can't Afford It!!!!

We Can’t Afford It!!!!

Heather and I approved a bill that will keep our house running for three more months. That was close! I had to agree to relinquish the remote control and stop telling dumb jokes (AKA my act) while she will do nothing different.

I’m the first to admit that Heather runs the marriage, although she doesn’t run the household. Our toy schnauzers do. Especially the smallest one, Maggie. When we get…

[jerrymabbott]

Ahhhh!!!! A Skunk!!!

If I were going to have a service animal, I would choose a skunk. That way, on a plane, boom! The whole row to myself.

Skunks are like women. They are beautiful creatures until you tick them off. Then you need to run for cover, fast. The wrath of an angry wife can be quite frightening. I know, because like most guys, I’m an idiot and I do things sometimes (many times) without thinking it through.

[jerrymabbott]

I Can't Remember!!!

I Can’t Remember!!!

I was always late for work. My boss threatened to fire me, so my doctor prescribed some Ambien. I finally slept well and got to work early. I told my boss, “I got some Ambien and I can’t believe it, I’m early”! He said, “That’s great, but where were you yesterday”?

Fatigue is an enemy which robs you of energy and the natural healing process of the body. Frankly, I don’t think it’s true that the…

[jerrymabbott]

I'm Going To Protest!!!

I’m Going To Protest!!!

I’m going to hire protesters to picket outside my house because I’m not allowed to put my feet on the coffee table. This deeply offends me. There’s a camera in our house so Heather can watch me. She says its because of seizures. Right. 

Actually, we don’t own a coffee table or have a camera in the house. I lied about it all. It was fake news. I also deleted thousands of emails just so Heather…

[jerrymabbott]

Its Snowing!!!

The DJ said, “Tons of snow today. Park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street.” The husband did it. Two days later the DJ said, “More snow today. Park on the even-numbered side.” The next day the DJ said “More snow!” but just then the radio died. Josh said, “What are we supposed to do now?” His wife said, “Just leave the car in the garage today.”



I love the first snow of the season.…

[jerrymabbott]

I'm A Fool!!

I’m A Fool!!

On Saturday, I got a call from someone claiming to be a clerk at our police station saying I had a parking ticket that was old and now I had a warrant. It was April Fools Day, so I said, “Really? Your Mama has a warrant out for being ugly.” The jail cell wasn’t too bad.

Since April Fools Day was on a Saturday this year, most people didn’t get to play any pranks on unsuspecting co-workers. This…