#Jennifer Jureau

[star-mum]

CM Attraction Venn Diagram

[sad-trash-hobo]

I think its actually really sad that Spencer and JJ's relationship really fell off after Emily's "death". He may forgive her to a point, but he never puts his full trust in her again. There's still an almost familial bond between the two, but after season 6, the amount of times that they're seen joking and being relaxed goes down. That could be because the writers didn't want to do any of that, but just viewing the content available, their relationship becomes almost completely professional. And especially when Alex joins the team, it's someone that Spence can relax with and rely on. She never teases him like JJ and Morgan do, and when she leaves the team it becomes more clear how alone he really is.

The whole prison stint kind of just reinforces how Reid can't rely on anyone in the team to help him, especially when JJ visited and having a pretty lady visit you in prison is bound to turn heads.

The whole thing in the last season of JJ telling Reid that she loves him and he's her first love really bothered me. And I felt like it put Spencer's feelings to the side, it made him be the selfish one for wanting what he didn't know was actually on the table because JJ already had a family. I also felt like that whole plot line was fanservice for all the people who thought JJ and Reid shouldve been together the whole time.

Overall, I do still love their relationship on the surface, but so much of the growth of their relationship was wasted and ignored and became stilted.

- read my tags for rambling -

[shcftingpieces]

“  i can’t keep doing this.  i want to pretend to be happy for you but it’s killing me inside.  ”  | jj & blair

Jay does memes sometimes | @varispiritcd

Blair was stopped short by JJ's admission. They had plans to hang out at her place. She'd mentioned she'd grab them beer but there was nothing really defined about the night. For a fraction she thought the this JJ couldn't do was her job, only the second admission hit Blair hard in her gut. Her face knit together as the emotions of realizing she had hurt JJ washed over her expression. "I- I didn't know. I thought we were good." She moved to reach for JJ to take her hand, Blair always having been far better at physical communication than words, but she pulled back realizing the touch maybe wasn't really wanted at a time like this. JJ had been Blair's one serious relationship. The person she should have known well enough to see and instead she had missed this huge thing this whole time. Actually if asked, Blair would have said they were great. Blair had moved to the area a little bit ago and it had only made sense the two of them would reconnect. Their breakup while not easy had been cordial. They stayed friends, going through the usual types of ebbs and flows people do, of stages of simply liking each other's posts on social media all the way to late night phone call catch ups. Blair had heard of JJ's relationships and in turn she had shared of string of fun flings she'd had. Of course when Blair ended up at a nice school and serious coaching job near the FBI headquarters, JJ was the one she wanted to see.

Blair ran her hand up and through her short hair blowing out a long breath before she spoke again. "How long has it been like this? You seemed so-" Put together. Happy. Successful. All the things Blair had hoped for JJ when they had gone their own ways. JJ had always been destined for big things and distance was an easy enough excuse to not hold her back. It was like the rug had been pulled out. Blair had over the years struggled with, certainly before JJ and some after, assuming relationships were much more casual than the seriousness with which the other party had viewed things. She'd really hurt people no matter her intentions at the time. It was something she had thought she had matured past. Of all people JJ, someone she truly cared for, was not the one she was supposed to be doing this to. Hell just last week they had been laughing about Blair's latest guy she'd found at the gym - great muscles, fun in bed, nothing else going on in his head. She felt awful for having been too oblivious to see what she had been doing. "I'm sorry." Blair's stomach churned as she stood, hands on her hips, lips pressed together as she struggled to know how to make things right.

[cfcorruptibility]

❝ My past is My business . ❞

        savannah smith  ›› K9 Officer  ››  sophia bush  ››   tw: drug use, alcoholism , death , murder , overdose, relapse, serial killer/rapist , kidnapping

🇦​🇵​🇵​🇱​🇮​🇨​🇦​🇹​🇮​🇴​🇳

―  ✘ ╱ ⟨   –  sophia bush, female, she/her.  ⟩ it seems like savannah bradley has been seen around town, humming unsteady by x ambassadors under their breath. apparently they are a 39 year old human. townsfolk whisper about them being dauntless and adventurous, but also blunt and resentful. the police officer has been in town for 4 years, and gives off the vibes of a rebellious past scared straight, lonely nights, and k-9 loaded police cruisers. ( penned by sushi, 27, she/her, est. ) (charlie swan wc)

🇧​🇦​🇸​🇮​🇨​🇸  

full name : savannah nova smith

nicknames : sav, savvy, nova

age : 39

date/place of birth : april 5th in Queens, NY

occupation : K9 officer

affiliation : n/a

language(s) spoken : english  ,  spanish , french, latin

hair color : brunette

eye color : green

notable scars : couple of scars scattering here and there from bullet and knife wounds from work

PERSONALITY ​

positive : dauntless , resilient , adventurous , persuasive , independent , outgoing

negative : impulsive , truculent , cantankerous , aggressive

moral alignment : chaotic good .

deadly sin : wrath

hogwart house : slytherdor

element : earth

emotional stability : for now stable but wasn’t always

alcohol use : regularly

prone to violence? : very

habits : tbd

drives / motivations : her kids

aesthetic : brooke davis from one tree hill ; erin lindsay from chicago pd ; mace browne from the 355 ; jennifer “jj” Jureau from criminal minds ; penelope garcia from criminal minds ; natasha romanoff from marvel cinematic universe ; 

🇫​🇦​🇲​🇮​🇱​🇾​​

mother : unnamed hartfield ( bio mother ) †  , unnamed smith (adoptive mother)

father : unnamed smith ( father )

sibling(s) : unnamed ( older half brother ) , unnamed ( older half brother )

spouse : noah alexander dawson sr ( husband )  †

child(ren) : emma rose dawson ( 13-year-old daughter ) , aspen lily dawson ( 13-year-old daughter ) , isla grace dawson ( 10-year-old daughter ) , noah alexander dawson jr ( 8-year-old son )

other family : tbd

🇧​🇮​🇴  

―  Birth : Born in Queens, NY

―  Age 2 : Mother dies of overdose; goes to live with bio dad and his family

―  Age 4 : Adopted by bio dads wife

―  Age 14 : starts high school ; joins volleyball team and softball team ; works part-time at local cafe

―  Age 15 : starts kickboxing and martial arts in spare time ; starts dating

―  Age 16 : boyfriend cheats on her with best friend ; begins to spiral ; meets guy ( he was twenty five ) at party and is introduced to alcohol and drugs ; rebellious stage begins

―  Age 17 : arrested at party for drug use and under-age drinking ; current nypd sergeant takes pity on her ; gives her slap on the wrist ; enters rehab for 6 months

―  Age 18-23 : graduates high school and joins the police academy ; rises quickly in rank ; joins homicide team with sergeant that took pity on her at 17 ; grows close to sergeant like a second dad ; dating partner/sergeant’s son, noah dawson ; becomes best friends with the only other female cop on homicide team ; loses best friend in the line of work when she’s shot through a door with a shotgun by perp ; toxic ex boyfriend from when she was 16 shows up as suspect holds her and his baby mama hostage, ends up shooting him in self-defense, he doesn’t survive ; noah proposes on her 23rd birthday and  she accepts 

―  Age 24 : her and noah go to bar that is mostly full of off-duty cops and detectives after work to destress over some drinks when bar gets shot up ; takes bullet to abdomen, survives surgery ad returns to work a month later ; married three months after shooting and honeymoon in the maldives ; 

― Age 25 : suffers head injury chasing after suspect, spends a week in the hospital before returning to work ; meets 21-year-old girl with a drug addiction much like herself when she was younger and saves her, puts her through rehab and gets her a job helping the homicide team in house as she goes to school for criminology, the two become best friends and practically inseparable ; serial killer/rapist becomes obsessed with her and begins to stalk her ; best friend is kidnapped by the serial killer/rapist obsessed with her and is killed by him ; homicide team is called and savannah identifies the body as her best friend ; begins to spiral ; makes risky moves and puts herself in the way of harm without second though ; is held at gun point by a childhood friend, yells for him to shoot her what’s one more person ; relapses ; is ambushed by fellow cops who broke into her and noah’s home ; quits job ; few months pass discovers she’s pregnant and returns to rehab, gets clean ; finds out she’s pregnant with twins in rehab

― Age 26 : gives birth to twins ( emma and aspen ) at 30 weeks ; gets job back with homicide team ; gets kidnapped 6 months after giving birth to daughters, more psychological trauma and games from serial killer/rapist obsessed with her, shoots and kills him 

― Age 29 : Pregnant again, gives birth to daughter, isla dawson

― Age 30 : Pregnant once more, gives birth to son, noah dawson jr

― Age 31 :  husband is linked to the murder of a woman and is later found in the trunk of his car shot in the head, noah sr doesn’t survive, leaves savannah widowed and single mother of four young children under the age of 5 ; father-in-law/sergeant retires.

― Age 35 : Father-in-law passes away and Savannah moves herself and her kids to Forks.

🇭​🇪​🇦​🇩​🇨​🇦​🇳​🇴​🇳​  

―  has a cat named sapphire and a german shepherd named alpha

― attends therapy twice a week 

― has a masters in criminology and is self-taught in hacking and coding

― working on her phd in psychology

― suffers from ptsd and severe night terrors

― has been clean for 13 years

― is terrified of returning to the dating scene especially being she’s the single mother of four children

[ofstarsandvibranium]

If you sent the BAU team a text asking if they want to fuck

y/n: hey do you wanna fuck?

hotch: I’m your unit chief. Did you mean to send this to someone else?

y/n: ....so is that a no?

..........................

y/n: hey, do you wanna fuck?

rossi: you’re a good kid, but i’m more of a “marry ‘em then divorce ‘em” kinda guy.

y/n: that’s fair.

..........................

y/n: hey, do you wanna fuck?

derek: just say when and where, mama, and i’ll be there.

y/n: wait. are you serious?

derek: are you?

.........................

y/n: hey, do you wanna fuck?

spencer: now? we’re on a case.

y/n: so what you’re saying is after the case is over, we can fuck?

.........................

y/n: hey, do you wanna fuck?

jj: i’m married???

y/n: will doesn’t have to know.

.........................

y/n: hey, do you wanna fuck?

emily: when we finish the case.

y/n: okay, bet.

.........................

y/n: hey, do you wanna fuck?

penelope: you must have got the wrong number, my darling friend. but PLEASE tell me who you meant to send this to!

y/n: ...it’s a joke...BUT i did send the same text to everyone else on the team.

penelope: what did they say?!

y/n: well....

[storiesofsvu]

[royslovelanguage]

jj just wins. im in awe of her and it’s always Vibes when she’s on screen

[writhingcreature]

I... really don’t ship JJ and Reid? Why is this a popular ship?

Is this “it’s because you’re gay and you don’t find anything fun in het ships” thing again because I know I do see the chemistry between JJ/Prentiss and Reid/Morgan just,,, not Reid and JJ? She feels like a mom watching a child to me like,, older sister at best AM I JUST WEIRD??

[onefail-at-atime]

Matt to Luke after being kidnapped: So ... your girl?

Luke: Not Penelope. Definitely not Penelope. Why would he think that? The unsub is stupid.

Matt: ... I was going to say I thought you broke up with Lisa but DUDE.

[friendlyneighborhoodbookworm]

This has been a Public Service Announcment:

The fact that Spencer Reid allows Morgan to hug him even though he’s a germaphobe speaks to their level of friendship

[sad-trash-hobo]

Imagine being the shot manager in 14x15 and having to listen to a man yell at two fbi agents and then for one to say she'll play truth or dare with him only for her to confess her love to her best friend which is also the other agent held hostage with you. Imagine lying on the ground, having been shot, and hearing that love confession and you can't even see either of their faces. Bro I'd be on my stomach crawling my way over like what did he say did he respond, only for the man she loves to shoot the bad guy! And then you have to listen to dead quiet except for the man cutting the tape on the woman's wrists. Imagine being wheeled out on a gurney and seeing them both at different ambulances and not looking at each other!!!! I'd be in the hospital telling everybody I saw, yeah I mightve gotten shot, but did you hear about the two fbi agents? There's some drama there for sure

[jacensolodjo]

“This is no one’s fault.”

[crappywriting]

Doctor Who? : Spencer Reid x Reader

Being lost in a Doctor Who convention was not the best situation for you right now. You were late to your panel where you were supposed to speak with the rest of the cast and had no idea where you were going. Security had lost you in the large crowd so you had to fend for yourself. You were starting to become desperate and looked around for someone trustworthy to ask. You found someone dressed as the fourth doctor and tapped them on the shoulder.

“Excuse me,” you say. The fourth doctor turns around to look at you. “Do you know where the show’s panel is? I’m (Y/N) (Y/L/N) and I am completely lost. I’m supposed to be speaking with the rest of the cast.”

His eyes go wide and his jaw drops. “Oh my god, you’re (Y/N) (Y/L/N). I’m D-doctor-”

“Doctor who, sweetheart?” you laugh. You were used to those reactions but they never failed to make you smile.

“I’m Doctor Spencer Reid, I was just on my way to your panel if you would like me to take you.” He offers, still obviously flustered.

“That would actually be amazing, thank you so much Dr. Reid.” You follow him as he pushes through the crowd, trying to get your to your panel as fast as he could. 

You two end up having to walk to the other side of the convention center before security finally spots you. Spencer is in front of you as security comes to get you.

“Hey! Who are you?” One of your bodyguards, Grant, comes rushing over to get you. “(Y/N), would you like us to remove this man?”

“No, Grant, thank you. Actually, could you give my friend Dr. Reid here some VIP passes? I would like to see him after the panel.” You smile at the Doctor and thank him profusely.

“It’s honestly no problem, I’m always happy to help.” He says, happily taking the passes before going to see the panel.

It takes around two hours to finish up the panel and screen the new trailer for the newest season. Spencer is sitting in the front row, just waiting for the panel to end so he could come get a picture or and autograph with you. The crowd is soon dismissed and a security guard comes to get the people with VIP passes. Spencer is one of around 25 people who have them and he’s ecstatic. They lead the group behind the set stage and everyone starts to freak out at the sight of you and the cast.

Spencer makes a beeline for you as he is tailed by a blonde woman in a fez and already has a little notebook open with a pen in his hand for you to sign. You happily take the pen and sign your name on the little piece of paper.

“It’s been great to meet you Dr. Reid,” you say with a smile, handing him his notebook back. “Thank you for getting me to the panel in time.”

“Of course.” He shoves the notebook in the large pocket of his coat. “Thank you for the VIP passes! My friend Penelope and I are truly grateful for them.”

“Yes, very truly grateful, (Y/N)(Y/L/N). Thank you so much,” Penelope quickly shakes your hand with the biggest smile on her face.

“I would love to see you again, Dr. Reid. Maybe you could come visit the set sometime? I’m sure everyone would love to meet you,” you offer.

“That would be amazing! Thank you, (Y/N)!” He goes to hug you and you hug him back. You were used to people doing this to you but this felt different. He felt warm and comfortable, unlike most people.

“Maybe we can get lunch on set too, if you’d like.” Your face goes pink and you shyly glance at the ground.

“Uh, yeah,” Spencer’s cheeks go bright red and he rubs the back of his neck. “That would be awesome.”

[shanetheferretgaming]

Sims 4 Challenge: Criminal Minds Legacy

Okay this one feels unhinged, but I have been watching Criminal Minds and I think a legacy challenge inspired by it could be fun. I determined the generations by the characters being the first season or in at least 100 episodes. 

Rules:

Start with 1000 Simoleans.

Work your way through Generations themed around the members of the BAU

Feel Free to reorder the generations

The Generations are inspired by the characters, and you by no means have to make the characters for each generation.

The Extras can be switched in at any Generation

Gen 1: Jason Gideon

Traits: Loves the Outdoors, Gloomy, Good

Reach Level 10 in the Art Career, following the Patron of the Arts path

If you have University you can choose to pursue a career as a Professor

Get the "Observant" Reward trait"

Get the "Mentor" Reward trait

Complete "The Curator" Aspiration

If you have Outdoor Retreat you can do the "Outdoor Enthusiast" Aspiration

Name something Stephen (Child, Pet, Cowplant, etc.)

Gen 2: Aaron Hotchner

Traits: Ambitious, Perfectionist, Family-Oriented

Reach Level 10 in Secret Agent, following the Diamond Agent Branch

If you have University you can choose to pursue a career as a Lawyer

Get the "Entrepreneurial " reward trait

If you have Snowy Escape Earn the Workaholic lifestyle

Complete the "Soulmate" aspiration

Name something Jack (Children, Pets, Cowplants, etc..)

Gen 3: Elle Greenaway

Traits: Loner,  Good, Hot-Headed

Reach Level 10 in Astronaut Career, Space Ranger Branch

If you have Get to work you can choose to pursue a career as a Detective

Get the "Independent" reward trait

Complete the "Neighborhood Confidant" Aspiration

Never get married

Have or adopt a child

Gen 4: Jennifer Jureau

Traits: Family Oriented, Outgoing, Self-Assured

Reach Level 10 in Writing Career, Journalist branch

If you have City Living you can pursue being the Social Media career, Public Relations Branch

Reach Level 10 in Charisma

Have at least 3 kids

Name some things Henry and Michael (Children, Pets, Cowplants, etc..)

Complete a Social aspiration

Bonus: unlock the grilled cheese aspiration

Gen 5: David Rossi

Traits: Food Lover,  Snob, Non-Comital

Reach Level 10 In Writing Career, Novelist Branch

Complete "Fabulously Wealthy" Aspiration

Have 3 ex-spouses

Only eat Italian food

Master Gourmet Cooking

Gen 6: Emily Prentiss

Traits: Good, Outgoing, Ambitious

Reach Level 10 in Secret Agent Career, Diamond Agent Branch

Never Marry

Date someone with a child, whom your sim takes care of

Complete the Renaissance Sim Aspiration

Name something Sergio (Children, Pets, Cowplants, etc.)

Gen 7: Penelope Garcia

Traits: Genius, Geek, Childish

Reach Level 10 in Tech Guru Career, either branch

Or Freelance as a Programmer, and make money Hacking

Complete Computer Whiz aspiration

Master Programming Skill

Complete the My Sim Trophy Collection

Gen 8: Derek Morgan

Traits: Active, Self-Assured, Romantic

Complete Bodybuilder Aspiration

Reach Level 10 in Athletic Career, Professional Athlete Branch

Max Fitness skill

Max Charisma Skill

Bonus: If you have Get to Work Marry a Doctor

Name something Hank (Children, Pets, Cowplants, etc.)

Gen 9: Spencer Reid

Traits: Genius, Loner, Bookworm

As a child Complete Whiz Kid Aspiration

Bonus Complete all Child Aspirations, and Master all Toddler skills

Complete Renaissance Sim Aspiration

If you have University, you may choose Academic

Reach Level 10 in Logic Skill

If you have University Reach Level 10 in Research and Debate

Reach Level 10 in Piano

Reach Level 10 in Writing

Reach Level 5 in 2 Careers

Gen 10: The Extras

Pick one or switch them in or out as you want

1. Luke Alvarez

Traits: Bro, Active, Outgoing

Complete Serial Romantic Aspiration

Reach Level 4 in Astronaut career

Reach Level 4 in Secret Agent Career

Reach Level 4 in Athlete Career

Name Something Roxie (Children, Pets, Cowplants, etc.)

Bonus: If you have Cats & Dogs  have a dog

2. Kate Callahan

Traits: Family Oriented, Outgoing, Good

Complete a Family Aspiration

Reach Level 8 in Business Career, wither branch

Marry your High School Sweetheart

Adopt a child

3. Matthew Simmons

Traits: Family Oriented, Good, Ambitious

Complete a Family Aspiration

Or if you have Strangerville Complete the Strangerville mystery Aspiration

Have 5 Kids

Reach Level 10 in Fitness Skill

Reach Level 10 in Astronaut career

Or if you have Strangerville Reach Level 10 in the Military career

Name something after one of his children (Chloe, Lily, Rose, David, and Jake (Children, Pets, Cowplants, etc.))

4. Tara Lewis

Traits: Genius, Good, Ambitious

Reach Level 10 in Logic

Reach Level 10 in Charisma

Reach Level 10 in Writer Career

If You have University, Become a Professor

Bonus if you Earn a Distinguished Psychology Degree

Complete 2 Aspirations (Your choice)

5.Ashley Seaver

Traits, Good, Gloomy, Perfectionist

Reach Level 8 in Logic

Be Good Friends with parents

Complete a Career and Aspiration of your choice

Bonus if you have Cats and Dogs, Get a Pet

6. Alex Blake

Traits: Genius, Loner, Family Oriented

If You have Strangerville trade Loner for Paranoid

Reach Level 10 in Logic

Reach Level 10 in Charisma

Complete a Knowledge Aspiration

Name something Ethan (Children, Pets, Cowplants, etc.)

Bonus: If you have Get to Work Marry a Doctor

Have fun and Happy Simming Created by: ShanetheFerret 

[the-bau-quinjet]

Anything for You

So, I got this idea in my head and I wrote it. This is not the first thing I’ve written, but the first that I finished. And the first that I’m posting. Sorry if it sucks. I hope someone out there likes it. Italics indicate past memories.

Summary: This takes place after Maeve. It sort of starts a month before Spencer goes back to work but then skips a year. Reader is the newest member of the BAU. Spencer lashes out when she tries to help him, but he doesn’t realize how much she can relate to his trauma. 

warnings: angst but also a little fluff, typical CM violence (kidnapping, torture, death etc.), dark thoughts about dying, I think that’s it

Word Count: 6218

 It is moments like this that make you rethink every decision that lead you here. You are on the jet on the way back to Quantico after a particularly rough case. The team managed to save the most recent victim, but only to discover three more hidden on the unsubs property. And to make it worse, they were children. Everyone on the team keeps shooting you concerned glances, worried that you might break. It’s only fair. You are still the newbie.

 You started at the BAU one month ago to the day. Your previous position was a desk job, but you were ready to get back into field after two years of endless paperwork. Not that the entire team knows you had been in the field before. Only Hotch knows. You don’t like to talk about it. You had gone so far as to cut Hotch off to prevent him from bringing it up on your first day.

 You are counting down the floors with each beep as the elevator rises to bring you to the floor that houses the Behavioral Analysis Unit. To say you aren’t nervous would be a lie, but that comes with the territory of starting a new job. Especially a job with one of the most elite units of the FBI. It’s hard not to be intimidated.

 The elevator doors slide open, revealing the all too familiar glass doors that lead to the BAU. When you were trying to decide if switching career paths was the right decision, you found yourself staring at these doors far more than you’d care to admit.

 You walk through the doors, immediately heading for Hotch’s office. He told you to meet him there first thing this morning. You knock on the open door to draw his attention.

 “Agent L/N, please come in.” He looks up from the file he has open on his desk.

 “Agent Hotchner, I would just like to thank you again for the position.” You have to stop yourself before you ramble on about how grateful you are for his taking a chance on you.

 “Please, call me Hotch. You’re new ID was just dropped off.” He says, handing you the plastic card to put in your credentials. You take a moment to admire the way your name looks just above the words “Behavioral Analysis Unit” before sliding it into the wallet.

 “I wish we had time for a more thorough welcoming, but we just got a case. I’ll introduce you to the team in the conference room.” He rises from his desk, you following behind him to a room already full of profilers. Of course, you already know of them all, but the introductions are nice nonetheless.

 “L/N, these are SSAs Emily Prentiss, David Rossi, Derek Morgan, and Jennifer Jureau and our technical analyst Penelope Garcia.” You shake hands with each member of the team as there name is called. “Team, this is SSA Y/N L/N. She transferred from violent crimes-” You know he is going to bring up your previous field work, so you cut him off.

 “It’s an honor to meet you all.” You smiled at Hotch, trying your best to get him to move on. Thankfully, you can see in his eye that he understands why you don’t want to relieve your past field experience.

 “Actually, that’s not all. Dr. Reid is on leave at the moment, but you’ll meet him when he returns.” You nod, taking a seat next to Derek. “Garcia, you can start now.”

 The memory fades and you try to ignore the concerned glances from everyone on the jet. Yes, you were the one to find the children in the back shed, but you have techniques to handle this. You’ve always been good at compartmentalizing. It comes with the territory of undercover work.

 You are more concerned with the wellbeing of one Dr. Reid. This is the first case you’ve worked with him, but it still feels like something’s off. Granted, you don’t know why he was on leave or how long it lasted.

 After everyone else is asleep, barring Hotch who is too focused on his reports to pay you any attention, you slide down into the seat across from Spencer. He doesn’t even glance up from his book.

 “Dr. Reid?” You can tell he’s stopped reading at the sound of your voice, but it takes him a moment to actually look up at you. When he does, you can see the sadness in his eyes.

 “L/N. Are you okay?” Of course he would ask you that. You’ve known him for all of 72 hours, but he’s still concerned about you’re wellbeing. The way your heart flutters at the sentiment catches you off guard.

 “Oh, um, I’m fine. I actually wanted to check on you.” He looks startled at that, but you just push forward. “I know we only just met, and I have no idea what you’re going through, but I just thought maybe I could help.” You can see the instant you finished talking that it was a mistake. He is clearly not ready to talk about his demons, especially with a near stranger.

 “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-“ “No, you shouldn’t have.” His words are defensive more than anything. The words of someone who just went through unbelievable pain “You couldn’t possibly help me. Unless, of course, you’ve been kidnapped, tortured, and drugged, shot multiple times, and witnessed the love of your life being murdered in front of you just to name a few. I’m sure you have plenty of experience with that given your work in violent crimes.” The sarcasm is obvious, with violent crimes being a desk job. He mistakes the tears that spring to your eyes as pity rather than understanding. He scoffs, going back to his book while you wander back to your previous seat, trying to control your emotions.

 Spencer doesn’t know about your time undercover. He doesn’t know you experienced all of those things. He doesn’t know about the scars that line your torso or the more prevalent scars on your heart. You try not to take it personally. You’ve had years to deal with your trauma. His is clearly newer. You tell yourself over and over that he’s not angry with you, but with the world. You just happened to be the first available outlet.

 When the others wake up, they assume your red eyes are due to the case. That you are finally breaking down after a month on the job. They offer words of encouragement and promises to be there if you need to talk. They stress how you aren’t alone. They all know how you feel. You simply nod, gathering your things before heading home. You can’t help but think there is one of them who knows exactly what is going through your head. It’s the first time you’ve cried over Cameron in three months, the last time being the anniversary of his death.

 -------

 The next year at the BAU flies by. You actually feel like part of the family, knowing you could talk to any member of the team when you need a friend. Well, almost any member of the team. You and Spencer didn’t click the way everyone thought you would. Ever since the conversation on the plane, you hold back when you’re with him. It’s not that you two avoid each other. You’re just more like coworkers than family. You converse when you need to, but don’t seek each other out.

 Nobody understands why. Hotch especially thought the two of you would become close. You can see why he would think so. From your brief encounters with Spencer, you can tell he’s been through hell. Hotch was probably hopeful the two of you might bond over shared trauma, act as an anchor for each other to know you aren’t alone. Of course that required you to share your trauma with the team, which definitely has not happened.

 It’s not that you don’t trust them. It’s just that the moment hasn’t provided itself yet. First of all, you can’t just casually bring up being kidnapped and tortured for government secrets with your fiancé who was then murdered in front of you. Second of all, something in you says it would crush Spencer. You can tell he clearly still feels bad about what he said to you that day.

 You two hadn’t talked about it. It was a year later, and you still hadn’t talked about it. You would think he forgot, but he does have a rather prolific memory. Everything was fine though. Mostly. He still seemed nervous around you. Or maybe you were projecting. There is something about Dr. Reid…

 “Y/N, can I talk to you?” You were honestly surprised to hear Spencer’s voice saying those six words. Everyone else had already gone home, even Hotch. You just wanted to finish one more file.

 “Of course, what’s up?” You try desperately to sound casual, to pretend like you weren’t just thinking about him. Despite not talking to Spencer all that often, you still have a massive amount of respect for him. Watching him work is incredible. You would expect most people with his intelligence to come off as cocky, but he is somehow still so humble.

 “I just wanted to apologize. For what I said on the jet. I was in a bad place, and I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have said those things, you were just trying to help me, and I threw it back in your face. Also, I’m sorry it took me so long to actually apologize. I just felt so awful, I didn’t know how to bring it up and the longer I waited the more nervous I became and” “Spencer,” he looked startled at the sound of his name. Granted, you normally call him Dr. Reid or Reid when you’re feeling more casual, but still. It’s his name, why is he so surprised you’re using it? “You didn’t do anything wrong. Trust me. You were dealing with an amount of grief nobody should have to go through. I shouldn’t have tried to step in without knowing more about the situation. I’m sorry.” This is your chance. Tell him what happened to you. Come clean about it all.

 He just looks so… relieved. As if you had lifted a weight off his shoulder just by telling him you understood he didn’t mean it. Seeing the hope in his eyes, you couldn’t bring yourself to put any of that weight back on him. He had just freed himself, he doesn’t need your problems weighing him back down.

 You can tell he still feels bad, but maybe now the two of you can try to move on. Maybe you’ll actually become friends. Telling him that you have indeed been through all of those things would just bring all that guilt back. For some reason, there is nothing you would rather do than protect Spencer Reid from pain.

 So, you’ve resigned yourself to never telling anyone unless you absolutely had to. You convinced yourself it was a secret you could take to the grave. Nobody needed to know.

 Until one day, they do. And that day happens to be tomorrow.

 --

 “Hello, crime fighters. This one is a doozey.” Penelope walked into the round table room and immediately jumped into the case. “Three heterosexual couples in Plano, Texas have been killed. The details are on your tablets. Be warned, it is not a pretty sight. All the victims were tortured. The men all died of blood loss. The women were drowned after multiple non fatal gunshot wounds and other various forms of torture.” You tensed ever so slightly at the description of the crimes. Hotch shot you a concerned glance, but you waved him off with a slight shake of your head. You zoned out for the rest of Garcia’s description, deciding instead to focus on every detail you could learn from the case files on your tablet.

 “Wheels up in 20.” Hotch’s voice drew you from your focus on the files. “Y/N?” You looked at him from your seat at the table, realizing everyone else had already left. “If this is too much for you, everyone would understand.” You stand, plastering the fakest smile Hotch has ever seen on your face.

 “I appreciate the concern, but there is a job to do. And I intend to do it.” There is no malice behind your words. Only a fierce determination to catch this unsub before he can hurt anyone else.

 “Alright, but Y/N, please. Let me know if you need to talk about it. The whole team is here for you.” You features soften into a genuine smile before you respond.

 “Thank you, Hotch.” And with that, you exit the room. You grab your go bag, meeting the other agents by the elevator.

 The flight to Texas is long enough that the team’s discussion doesn’t prevent everyone from catching up on sleep. While everyone else is resting, preparing to start up again on the ground with fresh eyes, you are pouring over every detail again and again. You just need to know if it’s the same people. The same people who killed your fiancé. The same people who tortured you.

 It was a day like any other. You had just gotten to the bar you were working at as a cover. Cameron was working security, you as a bartender. The mission was supposed to be simple.

 There was a domestic terrorist cell operating just outside of Plano in Addison, TX. The leader was believed to own the very bar you had gotten a job in. You were supposed to gather intelligence, and report back. You weren’t supposed to engage with the terrorist cell. It was a simple mission.

 That day, the day you could never forget, started exactly how you expected it to. The leader was supposed to be meeting with his right hand. You were supposed to learn who or what they were planning to target. You still can’t pinpoint the moment you knew something was wrong.

 Everything was normal when you clocked in. Everything was normal when you served you first few customers. Everything as normal when you walked up to the table hosting the meeting and asked if you could get them anything. Everything was normal until it wasn’t.

 You remember waking up in a warehouse. Cameron was tied to a chair across from you. He was injured, bleeding from a cut in his side. It didn’t look that bad, but there was so much blood. How could such a small cut produce so much blood?

 You had a million questions, but couldn’t form the words to ask them. You’re mouth felt like it was full of cotton. Cameron looked at you as if he knew something you didn’t. You suppose he did, given that he was awake before you. But that’s not what concerned you the most. No, it was the look of pure terror in his eyes. Pure terror, mixed with… resignation? That doesn’t make sense. Why would he be giving up?

 Finally gathering enough strength to speak, you mumble “What happened?”

 “Y/N… they know who we are. I don’t know how they figured it out, but they did. They are going to hurt me to get to you. You can’t let them, okay? Stay strong. Everything will be fine.” His words are rushed. You have a hard time following them, as if the words drift into the air, only to enter your head in a different order.

 Before you have a chance to ask any more questions, you hear a door swing open behind you. You can hear the footsteps, but can’t turn around enough to see who they belong to.

 “Do it.” You know that voice. You know you know it, but you can’t place it.

 A man appears from your left. He stands in front of you, a mask covering his face so you can only see his eyes. “Let’s have some fun.” You’re ready for him to hit you. Or cut you. Or hurt you in any way. What you’re not ready for is him pulling a knife only to walk over to Cameron.

 “No” The word is barely there. You aren’t even sure you said it out loud.

 “Y/N, don’t tell them anything. Okay? I’ll be fine.” Cameron is looking at you with pleading eyes. You both know he’s lying.

 “Your fiancé here is a liar.” The man sneers, dragging his knife down Cameron’s arm. “He will most certainly not be fine.” With that, the man plunges the knife into Cameron’s stomach. A gut wrenching scream leaves his mouth as the man moves the knife around inside his body. You try to control your reaction, but tears instantly spring to your eyes.

 “Tell me what I want to know, and I’ll leave your man alone.” There’s no point. Cameron would never forgive you if you gave up information to the enemy. He’s always been a loyal soldier. Either way, deep down you know he won’t live much longer. He’s lost too much blood. You are going to have to watch the man you love die. He’s going to bleed out in front of you. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

 You are shaken back to reality after the jet has landed. You slowly come to, realizing you must have fallen asleep while you were looking at the files. You can’t get the eyes out of your head now. The last time you had a nightmare was 6 months ago. Although, this was more of a memory than the usual nightmares you have.

 “Y/N/N? You good?” Morgan is looking at you with concern that hasn’t been there since your first month on the job.

 “Yeah, I’m fine. Just groggy.” You try to laugh it off, walking past him and jumping into an SUV. You’re supposed to go with Hotch to the precinct to set up, so you can avoid the rest of the team’s questions for now.

 You bury your head in the files again, trying to discern if anything feels off or if it is all too similar to be a coincidence.

 “Just answer the question. This will all be over.” Cameron is dead. You are staring at his lifeless body as the man tries to torture you to get the answers he wants.

 With all the strength you can muster up, you spit at him. “I didn’t break before and I won’t break now. Do what you want to me. You’ll never get your answers.” “Oh everyone’s got a breaking point. I’ll find yours.” With that, he storms passed you and out of the room.

 You try to inventory the damage he’s done, but it’s hard because he typically drugs you when he leaves. You’re too disoriented to remember everything. You haven’t heard anything else from the first voice, but you finally realized it was the owner of the bar.

 You are just about to drift back into unconsciousness when you hear a loud crash from somewhere in the building. You expect the masked man to come running back into the room, but instead you’re greeted with the face of the terrorist cell leader. He pulls you to your feet, mumbling about how this wasn’t part of the deal.

 You don’t have the energy to protest as he pulls you down hallways and through doors. He bursts into a large open room. It smells like chlorine, but your eyes are too fuzzy to figure out why. The lights just got so much brighter, and you can’t see. You keep slipping on the floor. The third time, you fall to the ground. Everything is wet. He’s kicking you now. No, rolling you. It all feels distant. As if it’s not happening to you, but rather you are watching it happen to someone. Like a movie.

 You hear the splash before you register the water surrounding you. You’re sinking. It’s actually quite warm. Like a comforting blanket tucking you into bed. The sounds of people yelling fade out as the water covers your head. You feel at peace as everything fades to black.

 Suddenly, the peace is gone. You can hear voices. They sound loud, but still distant. Like you are swimming and someone is trying to talk to you from above the water. But the ground is hard now. There’s loud bangs too, but you can’t figure out what they are. There’s no pattern to them, but suddenly they stop. Maybe you’ll never know what they were, oh well. You just want to get back to the peaceful darkness.

 Instead, you feel burning in your lungs and a pounding in your head. It feels like someone is punching you in the ribs. No. No. No. Where’s the peace?

 All at once, the burning liquid is expelled from your lungs and your eyes fly open. You try to spin around, to see what’s happening, but everything hurts. Your lungs are trying to fill with air. Your eyes are trying to adjust to the lights. You head is begging everything to just stop making noise. Then, darkness. It’s not a peaceful transition this time. It’s sudden, as if someone turned everything off.

 “Y/N?” The sound of your name draws you out of the memory again. You turn to see Hotch’s concerned expression. He’s parked the car outside of the station.

 You take a few deep breaths before speaking, trying to prepare yourself for what you never wanted to have to do. “I have to tell them.” Hotch nods with a grim expression on his face.

 “The team won’t judge you for keeping it a secret. We’ll all be there for you.” He tries to smile, but it’s more of a grimace. He’s too worried about you.

 “I know. It’s not me I’m worried about.” For the first time since you met him, Aaron Hotchner looks confused. It’s actually kind of funny. Although, your laughing sounds more delirious than amused.

 “Hotch, my first case with Spencer, do you remember it?” You shudder at the memory.

 “Of course. It was hard on both of you.” Your smile feels weak, even to you.

 “Well, I tried to check on him. I had only just met him, but he looked so sad. I wanted to take his pain away.” You can feel the tears coming, but you can’t figure out why. “He said unless I had been kidnapped, tortured, and drugged, shot multiple times, and witnessed the murder of the love of my life there was nothing I could do to help him.”

 You can’t bring yourself to look at Hotch. His worrisome expression will just make you feel worse.

 “You didn’t tell him.” The realization is evident in the lilt of his voice. Turning toward him, you try to explain, but he cuts you off. “He was listing trauma you’ve both experienced, and you didn’t tell him.”

 “Of course not, he would’ve felt so guilty! He already feels so guilty and he has no idea. We talked it out, you know. We were actually becoming friends, although it was hard to see from an outside perspective.”

 “You had me fooled. The two of you barely talk.” Hotch looks incredulous. You’ve never seen so many emotions on his face in one day, let alone one conversation.

 “I know. It’s still new. Honestly, it happened yesterday.” Hotch actually chuckles at that. “I think he still feels bad that my first impression was him yelling at me. He’s going to feel so guilty, and I just wanted to keep that pain away from him. He doesn’t need my emotional baggage on top of his own.” You can’t read the expression on his face anymore. You can tell he’s thinking something, though he doesn’t intend to share.

 “It’ll all work out in the end, Y/N. Reid is stronger than he looks. He’s been through a lot, but so have you. Let’s go catch this son of a bitch.” And the two of you exit the car as if nothing out of the ordinary had just occurred.

 Your nerves build waiting for the rest of the team at the station. Spencer and Derek are last to arrive. You were hoping to have a few more minutes to figure out how to tell them all about the worst moments of your life, but alas the time has come.

 Hotch clears his throat to get everyone’s attention. The conversations about theories die out as all eyes turn to him. “Y/N has a theory to share.”

 That’s one way to put it. Before you can back out, you jump right in.

 “The unsub was a for-hire torturer. I think he left the business and started killing for fun. A sadist. He enjoys the psychological torture of killing the one person you love more than anyone.” You can’t bring yourself to say another word. Spencer looks grief stricken. Everyone else is looking at you in confusion, except Hotch who is looking at you with sorrow. You can’t decide which is worse.

 “What makes you say that?” Derek is the first one to speak. He clearly doesn’t understand why you came to that conclusion. Plus, he’s probably confused that Hotch had to introduce your theory rather than just include it in the brainstorming.

 “Before I worked in violent crimes, I worked in the National Security division. I focused on domestic terrorism. We had a mission go wrong. It was supposed to be a simple, just gathering intel. Something went wrong and two agents were abducted.” You unconsciously decided to depersonalize the story. It’s something Hotch quickly caught on to, but what can he do about it? You just need to get the words out.

 “They were a couple. Engaged. The man, he died from three precise wounds to the abdomen. He bled out while his fiancé was forced to watch.” You’re grateful when Emily interrupts.

 “Did the woman drown?” The woman. You.

 “No. Well, yes. She was dead for 3 minutes when they found her. The cell leader dumped her into a pool in the building she was being held in. They caught him trying to flee the building. When they questioned him about a partner, he said he hired someone to torture the couple to get information. He didn’t know where he went. I think that’s the unsub.”

 Instantly, the team is theorizing. You stay quiet, listening. Where could he have hidden for this long? Were there more crimes in other states? Can Garcia look through unsolved double homicides that fit the signature? Before long, Derek asks the question you’ve been dreading.

 “Can we interview the agent who survived?” You’re grateful that he’s looking at Hotch when he asks. Spencer, though, his eyes haven’t left you since you started speaking. He knows. You know he knows because you can see the weight bearing down on him. You tear your eyes away from him when Hotch clears his throat to get your attention.

 “Y/N, can we interview the agent?” His tone is gentle. Hotch knows what he’s asking. Are you ready to tell them the truth? To share this pain with all of us?

 “Yes. You can interview her.” You are visibly tense, but Morgan is just confused about the interaction. Why would Hotch need to ask you for permission? Why does he sound like someone just kicked his puppy?

 “Great, when can she get here?” Of course, Morgan would ask the next logical question.

 “She’s already here.” Your voice is quiet. He almost doesn’t hear you.

 “What? Where?” He knows he’s missing something. It’ll only take him a few more seconds to put it together, but you save him the trouble.

 “Right here.” You gesture to yourself, eyes flitting between Spencer’s and the ground. The rest of the team didn’t hear you. They were still working out theories as you, Morgan, Hotch, and Spencer converse in cryptic sentences and brief eye contact. Spencer is frozen in place. Hotch was stressed for you. It’s never easy to share past trauma, let alone when you feel like you don’t have a choice.

 The realization hits Morgan so fast he almost falls to the ground. He rushes to you, pulling you into the tightest bear hug you have ever experienced. Morgan has become like an older brother to you. He always jokes about how he would beat up anyone who hurt you. You always joke right back about doing the same for him. He told you about Carl Buford a few months ago. It was also on a case. You would’ve told him everything then, but you didn’t want him to feel like you thought the two were comparable or that his trauma was somehow less important just because you’d been through some bad shit too.

 His actions drew the attention of Rossi, JJ, and Emily though. You weren’t an overly emotional person usually. Undercover work made you good at compartmentalizing, so you never really sought out someone to comfort you. The sight of you in tears, wrapped in Morgan’s arms threw them for a loop. You normally waited until you got home to go through your routine to decompress. It was easier that way. But right now, the thought of even looking at Spencer was enough to bring tears to your eyes. You just couldn’t stop thinking about him. It felt weird, to be sharing such an intimate part of your life with everyone and still be thinking about him. You had moved on from it all though. You knew how to deal with it. Of course, you still love Cameron, but you talk about everything in therapy once a week so you won’t break down like this.

 You see JJ look to Spencer for an explanation, but he’s too busy looking at you with more pain in his eyes than should be possible. He knows how it feels to see someone you love die right in front of you. He knows how it feels to try and move on from being drugged and tortured. He knows how it feels to be alone in it all. What he doesn’t know is how it feels to try and help someone through that grief only to have your own thrown back in your face. That’s what he did to you. Albeit, unintentionally but he did that. And it is so clear that he feels awful. You wish you could talk to him, but Morgan is pulling you into a different conference room for a cognitive interview that you somehow agreed to in your state of shock.

 Hotch explains the situation to Rossi, Emily, and JJ. Spencer’s guilt only pushes further down on him when he hears it all again.

 He stares at the room you’re in through the class doors of the conference room. He hasn’t moved in the ten minutes you’ve been gone. He expected JJ to talk to him first, but he was surprised to find Hotch instead.

 “Y/N told me in the car that she was scared to share that story.” Hotch starts slow, trying to ease Spencer out of his own head.

 “I would be too. It’s a painful memory to relive.” Spencer responds with a familiar tightness in his chest.

 “She wasn’t worried about herself though.” Spencer’s head jerks up to meet Hotch’s stare.

 “What do you mean? Who else would she be worried for?”

 “You.” Hotch says it as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. You being worried about him when you share your darkest memories.

 “Me?” Spencer practically falls out of his chair in an effort to sit up straighter. “Why would she worry about me?” Despite his genius IQ, he can’t fathom why you would worry about him in this scenario. If roles were reversed and he had to tell the story of watching Maeve die, he wouldn’t be worried about you. He slowly comes to the conclusion that he would be worried about you though. Now that he knows you’ve been through something similar, he would worry about you anytime it was brought up. Anytime anything remotely similar was brought up.

 “She told me what you said to her on the jet after your first case together.” Spencer falls into himself at the memory, his guilt pushing his shoulders down. “She said you still feel guilty about it. That hearing the things she has been through would push all that guilt back to the surface. More than anything, she wanted to protect you from more pain.” Hotch seems to know more than he’s saying, but Spencer is too shocked to profile him.

 “But, I, how would, but…” Spencer is muttering the beginning of every thought running through his head, but he can’t seem to form a complete sentence. “Why?”

 “You’ll have to ask her.”

 --

 Between your cognitive interview and Garcia’s sleuthing, the team find the unsub rather quickly. You stay at the station when the team goes to catch him. You try to protest, but Hotch, Morgan, and Emily stare you down until you concede. Really though, it was the concerned look from Spencer that convinced you to sit down and wait. The case wraps up quickly after that. The masked man ended up being Kyle Beckett. A classic sadist.

 It brings you more closure than you would have imagined to know he will be locked up for the rest of his life. You spent a lot of time in therapy trying to cope with the fact that he was never caught. And now, it’s over. You’re also extremely grateful you didn’t have to face him, although you would never admit that you were actually glad to stay behind. They can all tell though. They are profilers after all.

 You can’t help but feel a sense of déjà vu at all the stares you’re getting on the jet. It’s as if time itself was rewound to a year ago. You feel like the newbie again. Getting ready to have a heart to heart with Spencer. You’d be blind not to notice the parallels of the two situations when Spencer slides into the seat next to you on the jet after everyone else falls asleep.

 The silence is comforting at first, but quickly becomes unbearable.

 “Hi” You have a sleepy smile on your face when you say it. You are unbelievably exhausted after everything that happened. Too tired to fully conceal the emotions you know you have been denying. You’re always happy when you talk to him, even if the occurrences are a bit far and few between compared to other members of the team. “You look sad.”

 His mouth actually twitches upward at that statement, which you count as a win in your book. “You’ve been through hell on this case, and you’re still worried about me.” You can’t tell what he’s thinking. He’s too good at hiding his thoughts inside that big beautiful brain.

 “I’ve always worried about you. Ever since I met you. You just looked so sad and I wanted to make it stop.” You aren’t thinking before you speak anymore. Probably why Spencer suddenly looks so surprised.

 “Is that why you didn’t want to tell me?” Now it’s your turn to look confused. How did he know that? “I may have talked to Hotch earlier…” It takes longer than you’d care to admit for you to understand what exactly Hotch told him. But still, you’re too tired to be bothered.

 “I’m sorry if that was weird for you. It’s just, after we talked about it I thought maybe we could eventually be friends or something. I didn’t want you to be sad again. I know what it feels like to be sad. I also know what it feels like to be sad again when you realize someone else is sad for that same reason.” You must actually be exhausted because it feels like you’re talking in riddles. “Sorry, that doesn’t make sense. I just mean, I didn’t want you to feel bad about it again. I didn’t want you to feel more pain” You’ve started leaning toward him, about ready to pass out.

 “You’re incredible. You truly are amazing. I don’t think a day will go by where I don’t feel awful for what I said to you, but maybe with enough time I can make it up to you.”

 “I would like that.” You smile brightly as you look into his eyes. They seem sad still, but there is a brightness there that wasn’t there before.

 Spencer doesn’t say anything else. Instead, he lets you lay down in his lap as you drift off, the soothing feeling of his hands in your hair lulling you to sleep.

 You wake up as the jet touches down. The memories of your conversation with Spencer bring a smile to your face. He looks down smiling when you shift in his lap.

 “Thank you” You’re not surprised he still feels like he needs to thank you.

 “I would do anything for you Spencer Reid.” You get up to collect your belongings, turning back only when you realize he hasn’t moved from his spot on the couch.

 “Spence, let’s go.” Spence. He likes the sound of that. Maybe, just maybe the two of you will be okay. 

[ofstarsandvibranium]

HAVE FUUUUUUUN!!