#i just felt like alot of their relationship became very surface level

[sad-trash-hobo]

I think its actually really sad that Spencer and JJ's relationship really fell off after Emily's "death". He may forgive her to a point, but he never puts his full trust in her again. There's still an almost familial bond between the two, but after season 6, the amount of times that they're seen joking and being relaxed goes down. That could be because the writers didn't want to do any of that, but just viewing the content available, their relationship becomes almost completely professional. And especially when Alex joins the team, it's someone that Spence can relax with and rely on. She never teases him like JJ and Morgan do, and when she leaves the team it becomes more clear how alone he really is.

The whole prison stint kind of just reinforces how Reid can't rely on anyone in the team to help him, especially when JJ visited and having a pretty lady visit you in prison is bound to turn heads.

The whole thing in the last season of JJ telling Reid that she loves him and he's her first love really bothered me. And I felt like it put Spencer's feelings to the side, it made him be the selfish one for wanting what he didn't know was actually on the table because JJ already had a family. I also felt like that whole plot line was fanservice for all the people who thought JJ and Reid shouldve been together the whole time.

Overall, I do still love their relationship on the surface, but so much of the growth of their relationship was wasted and ignored and became stilted.

- read my tags for rambling -

[heysatori]

Can you write about the Bakusquad, you know each of them, where y/n has been through a lot of heartbreaks and is unsure about relationships, but they reassure y/n that they won't do that and everything will be fine? And maybe a little fluff in the end for good measure.

Bakusquad reacting to y/n being scared of getting into a relationship genre: fluff, angst pairings: Bakugou x reader, Kirishima x reader, Sero x reader, Kaminari x reader, Ashido x reader a/n: sorry i responded to this a little late! all ive been doing is watching minecraft streams, watching anime and sleeping while balancing school work ehe (⌒_⌒;) but thank u sm for the request ! i hope this satisfies ur request ! disclaimer that the pictures im using arent mine ! they are from heroacacaps ! so credits to them ! if u guys want to scream at me u can dm me here or on my twitter ! @kodzusan (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ im still accepting requests

Bakugou Katsuki

both you and bakugou were scared of relationships for different reasons

bakugou was scared because he knew how rough he was around the edges, if he was even fit to be in nice relationship 

you on the other hand were scared of relationships because of the amount of heartbreaks youve been through 

you were cheated on, broken up with, ghosted, and just left hanging 

after all those mistakes you learned ur lesson ! 

so after having bakugou come up to you, courting you in the nicest way possible (giving you a bowl of your favorite food), you didnt know how to react 

on surface level, katsuki had quite a few red flags here and there 

but since you had gotten to know the boy a little better over the course of time, you learned to understand why he is the way he is 

you trusted bakugou 

so having him court you was surprising 

although u had the fattest crush on him, you still didnt know what to do

so instead of refusing him with no reason, you explained your past to him (parts of which he already knew) 

he understood completely, all he wanted was to treat you right and make you happy !! 

“listen y/n, i know im a little rough around the edges, but i promise you that i wont do any of that stupid shit to you! all of your exes are absolute fuckin’ dumbasses for doing that to you and im here to treat you right and make you the happiest youve ever been! if you’ll let me” 

ヽ( `д´*)ノ <- he blushes a little at the end

although wary, u trust him 1000% !! 

so you accept his offer !! 

hes pretty shocked that you accepted and instantly pulls you in a hug ! 

“thank you, i promise you fucking wont regret this”

Kirishima Eijirou 

you had honestly fallen for eijirou the moment you met him 

but with your considerable bad love life you decided against pursuing after him 

but u couldnt help but feel urself get drawn towards him ! 

and surprise surprise ! you two become great friends ! 

but as time passes by, ur feelings for him become stronger, which is the total opposite of what u wanted  (╯︵╰,)

so its an even bigger surprise when kirishima comes up to you with your favorite flower, asking you to be his significant other 

he was so sweet but u were too scared to get into another relationship ! 

even though u and ur exes were in middle school at that time, those things still hurt you 

you explain all of this carefully to the redhead, not wanting to hurt his feelings 

he feels tears spring to his eyes as you tell him about your past 

he just wants to make you happy ! 

so without thinking, he pulls you into a hug 

“im so sorry that happened to you! you dont have to get with me if your scared! but just know that i wont ever, ever do those things to you! all i want is to make you happy, but its alright if you say no, ill still be here for you no matter what” 

overwhelmed with emotions, you end up tearing up as well, melting in his bear hug 

not wanting to make such a rash decision in the height of your emotions you tell the red head you’ll think about it (strongly hinting that you want to say yes)

Sero Hanta 

sero is a very chill man so your attraction to him was a little unexpected 

but you admire him a lot for a lot of things that he does !

u keep ur attraction to him on the down low though 

it felt a little one sided for a while

you two barely interacted and he didnt even look at you most of the time 

but your relationship with him took a sudden turn and u two became close friends !

you two bonded over mangas that you both read, occasionally spending time in his room to read the latest releases together !

one day, sero invited you to his room to read a romance manga he found out about a few days prior 

you come over and end up sharing the book since you didnt have ur own copy 

when you and sero reach a panel where the main characters aka the lovebirds finally kissed for the first time, the tall boy looked over to you 

“wish i could do this with you” he said gently 

NOTHING could explain how surprised u were !! 

“are you serious?” 

“of course i am” 

at this you explain to sero that although you reciprocate the feelings, relationships are a little rocky for you considering your past relationships 

sero wraps an arm around you and pulls you to his side, burying his nose in the side of your head 

“thats fine, you dont have to say yes, just you knowing that i like you is good enough for me, just know that i wouldnt ever think about doing those stupid things to you, but if i can make you happy now, then im already doing a great job” 

Kaminari Denki 

kaminari was a very sociable boy !! so it was impossible that you two werent friends after a few months you start to notice the way your cheeks tend to heat up when ur around the blond 

other people were also very aware at how when you and kaminari were together, both of you became blushing messes 

they didnt talk about it though 

they wanted the two oblivious dumbasses to figure it out themselves - ehem bakugou 

one day though, kaminari comes knocking at your door, looking ridiculously shy 

“uhm hi! i uh, i was, uhm, wondering if you maybe wanted to date me?” 

before you could even process what he said, he immediately took it back 

“wait no! uhm well i mean i like you a lot, thats why im asking! like a lot alot! i love your smile and your laugh and everything and i just, like making you happy, it makes me super duper ultra happy!”

although u want to accept denkis offer, your horrible dating life was looming over you

with this, you quietly tell denki that you dont think relationships are your thing 

he doesnt hesitate to ask you why !

you unwillingly tell him about your stupid relationships and hes quick to retaliate your self degrading words 

“hey! you arent stupid alright? you were young, things have changed! you’ve changed! i dont wanna force you into anything but just know, even if im a dumbass i wont treat you like that, ever! in fact, ill even be the best relationship youve ever had!” 

he pulls you into a hug not long after, squeezing you tight against his chest

“i trust you, sure, ill date you” (*˘︶˘*).｡.:*♡

Ashido Mina 

mina is a very determined person !

so when she wants something, she’ll get it one way or another 

so when she realized her big fat crush on you, she knew immediately that she wanted to date you 

and it wasnt just something about you, it was everything about you!

the way you stand, laugh, smile, talk, even if ur just sitting at your desk nodding off into sleep, she still thinks your the most amazing person ever (￣ε￣＠)

she doesnt hesitate to approach you after she is absolutely SURE about her feelings towards you

youre shocked of course, but you couldnt deny that you harbored feelings towards mina either 

you reluctantly tell her that although the feelings were mutual, you were still scared of getting into a relationship 

she listens carefully as u tell her about your past, rubbing your arm as comfort as you reveal a few of your insecurities 

“you didnt deserve any of that, i hope you know that! you dont have to say yes or anything, i dont want you to feel forced or pity, but i can treat you so much better that all of those jackasses! but we dont have to date for that, i can still do those things as a loving and good friend!” 

[myfinalform-kaz]

I know no one will read this whole thing but I really need to talk about what happened to me and it would mean alot if someone read it so what he did to me would be known

So background story: My brother abused me for 10 years of my life and completely fucked me up. My entire world view was formed by him and he convinced me everyday that I was worthless and ugly and anyone who loved me only pretended to becuase they pitied me and no one in the future could possibly love something as horrible as me. And I believed it every goddamn day and I didn't know any better and I adored my brother cus he was the only one that "really loved" me and he was my big brother and that meant to mean something good and all of my self worth came from the slivers of validation he'd throw out a few times a year. And every time I thought he went to far and I said something I would get an adult saying "Big brother's are suppose to pick on their little siblings, it's how they show their love" and I believed it so I stopped talking about it. I didn't say anything when he bruised me or pushed me off of barn roofs or the two times he tried to kill me. I didn't say anything becuase every one said that all those things just meant that he loved me. The worst he was the more he loved me and this was the kind of love I deserved. I didn't deserve soft gentle love filled with encouragement and kindness, I didn't deserve unconditional, non judge mental love. I was too weak and I needed to toughen up becaus ethe world would never be kind to a disgusting person like me so I need to get use to it. I believed every lie he said becuase I was a child and nobody told me he was lying.

He was why I stopped eating in 8th grade becouse I "obviously needed a diet" then I became addicted to the control it gave me, I craved the hunger I thought I deserved. I lost so much weight and it was the first time he told me he was proud of me. One of my first memories is of when I was six years old and got my first two piece swimsuit. It was bright grean and turquoise and had frills and I was so excited about it and the first thing he said when he saw it was "wow you are really fat" how does an 8 yr old even think to say that? And of course I was chubby I was 6. So him saying he was proud of my weightloss was like a huge weight off my shoulders, I no longer had to be bullied by him about my body. Of course there was always other things wrong about the way I looked or what hobbies I had or what friends I had. I was never enough no matter what I did, but I was enough when I was starving. I had a full blown eating disorder by 10th grade and nobody said anything so I figured I was doing the right thing.

By the end of that year he left for the military and my entire life flipped upside down. The one thing that I clung on too in life left. I was completely alone. He was the only one I could say anything too, of course he always ended up using what I told him against me but I didn't see that at the time. I thought the only person who loved me had left me behind, the only person who truly understood me had a abandoned me. I had my first and worst depressive episode then. It lasted a year and a half, I attempted suicide four times, and started self harming and lost 40lbs. I was a shell of a person. I tried talking to my only friend at the time about it be she never cared (my brother always told me she didn't actually care about me and still talks about how he was right and how stupid I was to think she could possible care about me) this of course only enforced that maybe he was right all along and I was an impossible person to actually care about.

When I was 16 I had gone to a routine doctors appointment and taken a mental health test. I thought I was giving normal answers and downplayed how I really felt, unfortunately my life was so twisted that even what I thought were normal answers were alarming to my doctor. She ended up making me take my clothes off so she could see if I self harmed, I hadnt in a few months but there were still scars of course. I begged her not to tell my mom and she said she wouldn't if I told her before my next appointment, I said I would. She scheduled a few appointments for further testing and then we left. The whole ordeal was traumatic for me and of course I never told my mother hoping that next appointment never came. And it never did. I havent been to a doctor in over 3 years. I was digging through some old medical records a year ago to find my glasses prescription and I found the file for that day. Turns out my parents knew about my self harm the whole time then after the doctor told them I might have anxiety and she wants to do further testing they cancelled all further appointments and never said a word to me. I had to struggle completely alone, I always thought that they would have helped if they had known but they did know and they did nothing. They made me go through so much pain and I have no idea why.

After all that my brother came home for a visit and he was so proud of how thin I was and how well I was doing in school and everything was going so well. Then of course that couldn't last and he turned cruel and insulting and then he left again.

The last time he visted we did so good the first week, I thought he had really changed, he had actually apologized a few times when he said something mean and I was so happy he was trying to be the big brother I had always wanted. Then we were having a pleasant conversation in the car and out of blue he said "you know you will neber find a partner who won't cheat on you becuase youre asexual" and after I was upset he said "It's not my fault you can't handle facts" and of course I believed him.Then my dog died and all he could do was make jokes and mock me for caring. I told my Mom she told me that if I looked hard enough I would see that he actually loved me and all this other stuff was just surface level and didn't matter. And I believed her. But I met an amazing person who became my best friend in the whole world and the only person to ever say "that's not how sibling normally treat each other, he is abusing and manipulating you" and I could never be more grateful for her, she has taught me how to be my own person and recognize my own worth. She has encouraged me and accepted me with all the flaws I have. We have gotten in fights but it's only becuase we love each other and it never ends in screaming or beating and it's always about trying to understand each other better. We talk about triggers and experiences and always try to be mindful of them. I have never met someone that I love more.

The current situation: He is coming back in two days and I have no idea what to do. I thought I was ok becuase for about two weeks I didn't feel bad about him coming. I felt a little off but I couldn't put my finger on why then I read a post about a girl dancing with her brother at his edding and realized that I never had and would never have that kind of relationship with my brother and I had a completely mental break down an hour ago and I realized that I don't feel fine I was just emotionally shutting down and that's why I was feeling off but now I feel everything and I am so fucking scared of him coming. Now that I know what it's like to not be under his control I can't go back even for a couple of days. I can't sit across from on the couch and pretend nothing happened. I can't let him touch me like I'm not disgusted by it. I'm not that strong, I'm not that good of an actor. I am so fucking scared and no one in my family believes me, they thing I'm a bad brother for not talking to him for a few months. I am so scared of what he's going to do or say. I don't know what I'm going to do. I use to dissociate a lot but recently I haven't been and I don't think I can just mentally not exist while he's here. I am so scared that I am making a big deal out of nothing and that maybe he is a good brother and I'm just a bitch. I don't know. I don't know how I will live the rest of my life with him popping in and out to kick me down and remind me how worthless I am. I don't know how I'm going to spand the rest of my life scared of this person I am suppose to love. My parents have made it very clear that me not talking to him dissapoints and hurts them and how much they hate to see me notbe best friends with him. They always act like they support me until it actually gets down to it, then they blame me for never telling them anything even though I have a life time of being told that what was being done to me was normal and I have no idea where the line between sibling teasing a nd abuse is. I have no idea what is normal because I never had normal and nobody told me it wasn't normal till I was 18 yrs old.

I'm so sorry for dropping all this and how long it is but I've never really talked about it before and I am so scared

[asagimeta]

Ok so do any Prideshipping fans know Julia Michaels' "Issues"? Because I need an AMV for that like AIR (I'll do a fic to correspond to it even) And you know, until I started this post, I didn't really get WHY I liked that song for Prideshipping because it, on the surface, doesn't really sound like much of a Prideshipping song? And then I started TALKING about it and it became an analysis

(Warning: Image heavy under the cut)

I feel like, maybe, the first verse is closer to describing Atem, and the second is closer to describing Kaiba, atleast from a video perspective (as an entirety each lyric is pretty hit-or-miss in my totally honest opinion but there's something about the tone and the idea of a lack of judging because they're sort of in the same boat that makes me feel very Prideshippy, I feel like that's one thing that's less overtly stated but shown fairly often, no matter how much they might bicker or jab at eachother- but ofcourse realizing that Kaiba jabs at everyone is part of it- there always felt to me like there was a level of understanding between them that they didn't really have with other people, maybe it's dueling, maybe it's the drive to win, maybe it's feeling alone and out of place, maybe it's all of this or none of it or some of it and some other things, but I just feel like any "judgement" between them would be boiled down to the most eye-rollingly petty things in the universe "You played THAT card? lol ok" "Still don't know why you hang around with the dork patrol but ok if you want to lower your standards go ahead" that kind of crap, but at the end of the day, when it comes to anything even remotely serious, even if they aren't actually on the same page about something, they understand the other's motivation well enough to go "Ok, this isn't how I would handle it and I'd like to show you my perspective, but I'm not going to hold your way of doing things against you"

Neither of them are perfect and in fact they both have some pretty deep-seeded crap that would probably make it difficult to develop any real relationship with someone who's out of the emotional loop, it'd be impossible- certainly- for either of them to be with someone who's a judgemental or righteous person, wich, despite Kaiba's quickness to criticize and Atem's increasingly high moral standard (I say "increasingly high" because there was, ofcourse, a time, when he was easily as ruthless as Kaiba in his own way- season zero- and remember that even in Duel Monsters he was much more willing early on to let the moral scales tip out of balance for the sake of his personal loved ones, mostly Yugi) I don't think either of them are actually as judgemental as they are defensive, in particular because they both seem much quicker to let their criticisms slide or let them go completely when it involves someone they have a connection to (all of Kaiba's crabbiness about relationships holding people down fly out the window when it comes to Mokuba, and as much as Atem tries to take the moral highground, I very honestly believe that if Yugi ever came to him like "I killed a dude" his bigger concern would be hiding the body vs his partner facing any real consequences, for example) and in particular they seem to let alot of their typical judgements go when it comes to eachother, only ever snipping or snapping here or there but never seeming to hold any longterm grudges or judgements, something that others definitely don't subscribe to

But I've rambled on long enough about this and I just want to propose to you guys:

(bold = applicable)

I'm jealous, I'm overzealous

When I'm down I get real down

(this is something we actually see multiple instances of, Atem has a tendency to get held down very easily by his thoughts, be they actual sadness/depression/upset like after he lost Yugi, or just a more quiet melancholy like when he went on the date with Tea`, he doesn't come out of his head very easily)

When I get high I don't come down

I get angry, baby believe me

I could love you just like that, and I could leave you just as fast

(Not seriously, but it'd be very fitting for a video)

But you don't judge me, 'cause if you did baby I would judge you too No you don't judge me, 'cause if you did baby I would judge you too

'Cause I've got issues But you've got 'em too So give 'em all to me And I'll give mine to you Bask in the glory Of all our problems 'Cause we got the kind of love It takes to solve 'em Yeah, I got issues And one of them is how bad I need you

(I couldn't find a picture from this episode of Kaiba, but he was the one who ultimately reinspired Atem to win the duel, he gave Atem a very much needed push)

You do shit on purpose

(Couldn't find a good anime image but it's essentially the same idea here; Kaiba is a classic example of self-sabotage, there's no actual reason for him to be so callous when he and Atem are on the same side, and even if he was using Atem as he said, telling him that was actually counter-productive, Atem would have been much more pliable if he was under the impression that Kaiba was going along with things as a "freind", by telling Atem "I'm using you, we aren't freinds, I'M USING YOU!" he's exposing his strategy and opening himself up for the opportunity to let Atem do the same thing to him- not to mention giving unnecessary ammo to their opponents, someone as smart, strategical, cunning, and honestly manipulative, as Kaiba should know that- he DOES know that, so why tell Atem if he isn't self-sabotaging? Maybe not trying to sabotage the duel, but certainly trying to sabotage a relationship that he's afraid is developing too affectionately, his goal in the beginning of this duel was to hurt Atem, even if it meant risking losing the duel, because it was- in his mind- alot more dangerous to let Atem get too close than it was to lose, this is really classic behavior for Kaiba, we see it often in the series that whenever /anyone/ starts to get close- Atem, Joey, Yugi, the only real exception is Mokuba- he's quick to do something to piss the other person off- or atleast try to, insult them, go overkill in a duel, scream at them, etc, he does this LONG after they stop being a "threat", there's no reason for it other than to sheild himself)

You get mad and you break things

(This was pretty fucking extra even for Kaiba, and we've seen him destroy property out of irritation/anger/believing it to be inferior/what have you)

Feel bad, try to fix things

("I don't like owing people things" = "You helped me even though I was a real jackass so now I'm going out of my way to help you too even though I don't *have* to")

But you're perfect, poorly wired circuit

Got hands like an ocean, push you out pull you back in

(He's got nice hands ok?)

'Cause you don't judge me 'Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too No, you don't judge me 'Cause you see it from same point of view 'Cause I got issues But you got 'em too So give 'em all to me And I'll give mine to you Bask in the glory Of all our problems 'Cause we got the kind of love It takes to solve 'em Yeah, I got issues And one of them is how bad I need you

(He made a freaking holographic replica for god’s sake)

And so on and so forth

Anyway, this started as "I really want someone to make a video for this song" and became "Some Prideshipping thoughts that I wanted to express" and sorry?

[carmenlire]

So i love your shadowhunters stuff. I see people like you and others talking alot on my feed about stuff like BTS and like - whats the big appeal about some of this stuff? Genuinely curious. With BTS I see alot of people stanning them and reblogging stuff on tumblr or posting on Twitter and like - why stan people whos native language is different therefore lyrics need like translation? Whats the appeal in something thats a completely different culture? I just want to try to understand

Hello! I know you sent this-- god last month? And I want to apologize for not responding sooner. I wanted to take my time to answer seriously and my inbox has just kinda slipped from my mind recently.

I’m glad that you like my shadowhunters stuff and that you haven’t unfollowed me because I’ve pretty much switched fandoms recently (Though since you sent this several weeks ago and I hadn’t answered yet you might never even read this rip) and thanks for asking! My answer might be kinda ramble-y and will totally be subjective but I’ll do my best to give you a good response.

Okay. So. I was super into a band called 5 Seconds of Summer back in 2014-2016. They went on a hiatus in 2016 and lowkey fell off the face of the earth. I noticed my entire dash at the time turned into kpop land, seemingly overnight. Everyone switched from the 5sosfam to stanning bts (I vividly remember Jungkook was one of my old mutuals faves). I didn’t understand at all! I was like you lol--how did people even find these bands? How did they fall in love with them when they spoke korean? You can’t understand what they mean without translators! How could their music be as meaningful as 5sos/english music when you can’t /know/ what they’re saying. The banter 5sos is famous for had to fall flat with other kpop bands because it’s just not that same level of connectivity. I really didn’t understand the appeal of kpop when it was so-- well, foreign and different and seemingly unrelatable.

But, in 2017 I saw this show all over my dash lol. Skam. I started watching it and I watched all 4 seasons in less than a week. I had to use subtitles (It takes place in norway) and i actually loved it! I don’t think i lost anything because i couldn’t like,, fully immerse myself in that show. I think that was my first real, real inkling that it was okay?? to like and enjoy something not in english and not feel deprived in any way.

So. In 2018, I start seeing a lot of bts on my dash. I’m in a bit of a music funk (I’ve kinda abandoned my pop punk phase and the shadowhunters/malec playlists have gotten a little stale after listening to them nonstop for almost a year.) There were a couple shadowhunters mutuals, actually, that switched to bts accounts and I was on my way home from somewhere one July evening when I just. put bts’s latest album on shuffle. And. I. Loved. It.

It sounded so new and fun and fresh! I seriously felt like I’d just taken a deep breath. Their music made me happy and i just wanted to dance when i heard it. This mutual recommended a few music videos to watch and so when i got home, I watched them and I was amazed! I have to admit, full disclosure, that I was-- well, a little surprised, maybe even a little taken aback by the fashion of bts. They were men and were in full, noticeable makeup! Their clothes were fun and extravagant! But it worked! They looked really, really good. Their looks were a clear aesthetic and fit into the music and their talent, my god. I remember very clearly thinking that they must work so hard, that their talent and sheer work ethic had to be so goddamn admirable because their singing! the dancing was incredible, so intricate but they made it look so easy! doing both at the same time! They seemed so perfect and as someone used to western performers, it was just. like wow! I can’t even imagine how much must go into their songs/performances. I was utterly enthralled. So, I fell in love with the music and aesthetic and effort first. I didn’t know exactly what they were saying at this point but I was drawn to them,,, almost like a magnet lol??

And, like a lot of westerners.... I’ll admit that I had the thought that they look all the same. I’m not proud of that but I’ll be honest about it. I had wondered how people knew who was who. I wanted to educate myself though? and so I started looking up videos introducing BTS and I learned more about the members and it took a few weeks from when i very first listened to them to when something finally clicked and I just,, knew who jimin was by his fucking posture and i could name the member singing by voice alone. Watching those videos-- first the introductions and then performances and then they have a few shows and watching episodes of that where I could see their personality and not just their music added so much to the experience that BTS became. I grew to love them just as much as I had loved the 5sos boys. I saw their serious sides when talking about music and their goofy sides during RUN! episodes and every interview or whatever that i watched just made me fall deeper. They became more than just an image or surface level feel-good feeling and became more like Real People to me.

I’ve always loved traveling and learning about new cultures/places. You ask what the appeal is about stanning something I can’t understand in its native language, something that is in a completely different culture to me. Well, I think that is part of the appeal! Because of BTS, I’ve grown interested in learning more about Korea in general and other Asian countries. I might have to rely on translations but it’s not nearly as messy or inconvenient as I had always thought it had to be before falling into it myself. I’m so appreciative of the fans who take the time to translate and disseminate BTS content for people who don’t speak Korean. I enjoy losing myself in researching lyrics and watching videos breaking down BTS songs and theories and explaining things that could be lost in translation. I actually have a goal to learn Korean this year-- at least enough for a basic conversation lol. I want to visit south korea next year!

I think that’s part of the fun and beauty of enjoying BTS or Kpop or anything from a different culture-- you’re broadening your horizons and challenging yourself. Like I said, I had some initial thoughts that I’m not proud of and that I actively tried to tamp down. but. they were still there. BTS challenged me and confirmed some things I believed but hadn’t really tested.

Just because something has to be translated doesn’t mean it isn’t good or worthy of your attention. It might take a little more effort but it can be a really fun, enriching experience. Speaking for BTS in particularly, I love the guys. In the surface level fan way, yeah, but they speak to me in that fan/artist relationship. Their music fucking slaps. once you research the lyrics, they are fun and clever and often fucking poetic and deep and just so meaningful. The guys themselves are talented and funny and seem to be very genuine-- something that had initially caught my eye with 5sos back in 2014. They are on top of the world but at the end of the day, they’re still 7 guys making music because they love it and just because it is an insane amount of work doesn’t seem to diminish their enjoyment of it. They really have such an accepting ‘love yourself’ message and i love that inclusivity and it does make me feel better to listen to their music or interviews. It’s a break from the real world and relaxes me, gives me a sense of peace. They make me happy.

I don’t know if this has helped you at all, if this has made sense but I hope you understand, at least a little, why i think it is so easy to fall in love with bts. They are fun and talented and the ARMY itself is so much fun to be part of! people are so funny and passionate about the members and their music and it’s so fun to throw yourself into that mix and enjoy the ride.

Thank you for taking the time to ask me this. thanks for not dismissing kpop outright even if you don’t understand it. I guess at the end of the day, it takes all kinds and people just have wildly varying interests but. speaking for bts, people go absolutely feral over them because the members seem genuine and they’re such hardworking, smart, talented, engaging people. their music just pulls you in and, at the end of the day-- they make you think and they brighten/expand your world just that little much more:’)

if you read this and have more specific questions, feel free to ask me! I will do my best to give a good, thoughtful answer

[madcapmoon]

Ten questions for Guy Picciotto

This is an interview I conducted with Guy Picciotto of Fugazi, Rites of Spring and One Last Wish fame back in 2006. I was working in the Italian town of Pescasseroli in Abruzzo at the time and Italy had just won the World Cup. Fugazi had been on hiatus for four years at that point and unfortunately over five years after this interview took place it looks as if they may never reform. My friends Anthony and Eugene kindly published this interview in the 10th anniversary issue of their legendary fanzine Loserdom so many thanks to them as always for allowing me to publish various interviews and musings over the years. 

1. It’s been four years since the last Fugazi concert and  each member of the band seems to have worked or be  working on other musical projects: Ian Mackaye is playing in the  Evens, Brendan Canty has been touring with Bob Mould and Joe Lally is playing solo concerts. You played a concert with the group International Silence in 2003 and I read somewhere a few years back that you had been working on music with Eddie Janney. What musical projects are you working on at the moment? Even though Fugazi itself hasn’t played a show or recorded anything new in a dog’s age, the business of keeping Fugazi’s affairs together remains. It’s kind of like tending to a monument – the landscaping needs to be kept up and the plaques shiny – so, since we are self-managed, that work continues for all of us. Lately, we’ve worked on remastering most of our old records and we’ve also added 10 more shows to our live archive project (at www.fugaziliveseries.com).

Beyond that, I have been doing alot of production work for various bands. The latest project was a record for the Blood Brothers which I co-produced with John Goodmanson out in Seattle over the last 2 months. It comes out in October I think, and it’s a fucking killer bunch of songs.

I have also been doing some music writing on my own. I did perform a few new songs in Belgium at a film/music festival curated by my friend Jem Cohen late last year – that was the first time I’d sung into a microphone live since Fugazi last played in 2002. It felt good so I want to try and get my shit together and do it some more.

Like you mentioned, I have also played some improvisational shows as a member of International Silence over the last couple of years, ( International Silence is a rotating cooperative of improvisational musicians put together by Mats Gustaffson). For the last 3 years I have also been writing with Eddie Janney, my old bandmate from Rites of Spring, and we’ve amassed tons of material but I’m not sure what will happen with it. It’s not a conventionally ambitious situation but it’s really interesting music and maybe it will coalesce into something more public at some point. But for now, I’m from the Orson Welles school of “no wine before its time”.

2. You have directed two short Super 8 films and I read you had plans to make a third short film on 16mm. Did you ever get around to making it?

Nope. I did work a bit in some capacity on the last Jem Cohen movie “Chain” – I’m listed as one of the producers but really I was more like a sounding board for Jem during the conception, filming and editing. I love film and I hope to do more of it but the Super 8’s I made were strictly goofs – an opportunity to fuck around with friends and try to learn about the process.

3. Are these films available anywhere on the internet?

Not that I know of. Honestly, they aren’t any great shakes. I do however encourage people to see “Chain”. It should be out on DVD soon and it’s really worth checking out. It’s kind of a portrait of the global landscape as it reaches a crisis level of homogeneity as filtered through the experience of 2 women, a homeless American and a Japanese businesswoman working for a theme park corporation.

4. Parts of Fugazi’s recording session with Steve Albini have recently surfaced unmixed on the internet, will those recordings ever be remixed and officially released by the band?

I don’t know. It’s possible that someday they will though it’s been a long time since I heard them and I’m not sure what context we could put them out under. Its kind of a drag that they got leaked onto the internet – if only because I think of them as being incomplete and not a fair representation of what they could be. I mean I’m not huffing and puffing with rage over the leak – but still, I don’t like sneakiness. For the record: We had a blast working with Steve and he remains one of the smartest and funniest people I’ve ever met in my life as well as a masterful recording technician. That session was the beginning point of a longer acquaintance and its been great getting to know the guy, play dice with him and play shows with his band.

The session we did was an experiment for us to try recording outside of our Inner Ear Studio homebase in DC and the original intention was just to go up and fuck around with the latest bunch of songs we were working on. We weren’t in the mind-set of “we’re making an album” it was more like ” let’s go see what happens”- we ended up having a great time but we didn’t really play all that well (or rather sing that well to be specific) so we decided to re-track it once we had the songs down better – and that became IN ON THE KILLTAKER.

5. With Fugazi you played concerts all over the world and got to see many cities and countries, have you ever thought about moving away from Washington DC to  one of the countries or cities you have visited? If so which ones and why?

I’ve definitely thought of living in other places besides DC and being someplace outside the USA, particularly of late when the political environment is so soul-crushingly depressing. I do love DC and having been born and raised here I can see never leaving but I definitely wouldn’t be weeping hot tears if I was told I had to move to either Brazil or Italy. Both countries have amazing spirit, amazing food, amazing people, amazing culture and I’ve felt really at home in both.

I also love Paris and I speak decent French so that would be another one I could definitely handle. Can’t say much bad about Melbourne, Australia either. Or Sydney for that matter. Gotta love Edinburgh, Scotland too. Basically, I think I would be easy to please in the geography department.

6. You have worked with various bands as a producer, what are your criteria for working with a band?

I don’t really consider myself a professional producer, but I also never have considered myself a professional musician. It’s just something I fell into out of my love of music and through relationships made through music. I first started recording other bands out of my old group house which was called Pirate House. Fugazi had set up a small 8 track analog studio in the basement so I just started recording my friends there and taught myself the ultra-low level basics of engineering. I did records for the Make Up, Metamatics, Crainium, Blonde Redhead, Slant 6 and others there. It was really low key and the focus was on doing things cheap and fast, before the neighbors could get too irritated. I was also learning some of the ropes just by working on the Fugazi records with the rest of the band.

Over time other bands asked me to do things in other studios in other parts of the country and when I had some time apart from Fugazi stuff I tried to do it. Mostly, I worked with friends like Blonde Redhead or Casual Dots -people I’ve known for a long time but I’ve also more recently done stuff with bands where I didn’t initially know them that well personally but was more just a fan of what they were doing like the Gossip or the Blood Brothers. At minimum, though, I like to have seen a band live and met them – just so I can get the sense of whether or not it will work. I don’t have that much time to devote to production stuff so when I do it, I really try to make sure its a good fit and that both the band and I will have a good experience working together.

7. In an interview a member of Blonde Redhead said that when you are producing their records you become in their opinion a non-playing member of the band. Is that a fair assessment of how you work with all bands that you produce or just specifically Blonde Redhead?

Production for me is really kind of a promiscuous activity – its total bed hopping –  getting to intensely collaborate with all these different groups for short periods of time – insinuating yourself deeply into the decision making process then moving on once the record is done. You get alot of creative bang without all the dirty hard practical work that goes into keeping a band functioning over the long haul.

And for me, being in the studio with another group is alot like being a non-playing member of the band – I do get very invested in what goes on. Alot of that comes from the fact that I like the music I work on. I come in as a fan of the bands I work with so it’s not just a technical task for me – I really want the record to be as good as it fucking should be cos the band is already fucking great in my mind. It can be a bruising experience because, as anyone in a band will tell you, its not easy to make good records, to take what’s in your head and translate it whole to tape (or hard drive or whatever).

When a band is actually satisfied with the finished product, it’s a great feeling because with every record you are trying to marshal a ton of crazy ass variables and have them line up into something killer which is really nuts. A good session usually happens if the band feels comfortable enough to let cool stuff happen, to get over the self-consciousness and the anxiety that can come with the process and just let spontaneous cool shit go down. I’ve been really lucky to work with some great engineers and co-producers because, straight up, my technical knowledge lags light years behind theirs = people like Don Zientara, John Goodmanson, and Ryan Hadlock.

8. While Fugazi have released many records and toured extensively Rites of Spring was a short lived band that released just one LP and an EP but is regularly listed or referenced as one of the most influential alternative groups of the last twenty years. Are you ever surprised by the enduring influence of the bands work?

I am pretty stunned considering I think we only played 14 shows and only 2 of those were outside DC. I often wish that Rites of Spring had gotten our shit together and actually toured a bit but it’s kind of a pipe dream considering how volatile the band was. It made for a great energy within the band and on stage but we didn’t have anything close to resembling the kind of discipline it would have taken for us to actually play a series of shows back to back. For one thing, every single show resulted in destroyed equipment so we were always scrambling to get some gear together for our next show.

Also, we were very young and at that age (17-19) your mental landscape is changing every minute – it’s hard to stick to one vision and be satisfied. Just a couple of years later the exact same line-up was re-united as Happy Go Licky and the sound was totally different. We were just pushing all the time so it was hard for us to stay situated in one spot. I do like the first album alot just because we did it in 2 days and it sounds feral, like a time capsule of being young and jacked up out of our minds. And I loved being in a band with all four of those guys. At the time I was pretty wrecked when we couldn’t keep it together. That people still listen to those songs honestly suprises me in a good way and makes me very happy.

9. Musically the Rites of Spring LP is different from any other record made in 1984. It seems deeply personal, innovative and completely uncontrived, for me it’s the musical equivalent of Vigo’s l’Atalante! What music, films and bands influenced that record?

L’Atalante !!! You are completely insane. Let me think – we were really into all kinds of shit. At the time it was like The Saints, The Adverts, Rudimentary Peni, Venom, Blitz, the Zombies, Discharge, the Buzzcocks, Wire, the Wipers ( who Brendan met on the West Coast visiting his sister), the Birthday Party, Black Flag, Bad Brains, Void, the Faith… alot of stuff. The Stravinsky connection was intentional too – we wanted to bust up the genres like that.

But the main thing about the band was our hang – we hung out all the time driving around town in my Chevette Scooter, practicing in our parent’s houses, working the same jobs. We were really close friends so it was almost like we could give a shit if anyone else thought what we were doing was cool or not. We just wanted it to be fresh to us.

10. Finally, I think everyone has a guilty pleasure, e.g. a television show or a band which they know they shouldn’t like, mine is watching football (the English kind), what is yours if any?

I save my guilt for the truly terrible things I’ve done in my life so I take my pleasures freely where I can. I feel no shame for watching the Wizards (DC’s basketball team) religiously. The World Cup was pretty good too this year. I never liked sports when I was younger but now I love them – I hate contingency and time so sports is a deeply masochistic pleasure.

[xladymalice]

Underfell Sans - version 1 xSympathy version - design by me, xladymalice

After reading all of your comments I felt encouraged to make a first try of how I imagine him to look like. I will probably still change and imporve it, but this is how I want to use him probably.

I also thought a lot about his personality, but it’s still very, very rough. My ideas base of Angelia-Darks fanfiction about it.

So where to start with my ideas.

Red is hyper aggressive and always searching for trouble. It’s not that he gets pissed easily but rather that he loves to provokate fights and make people made at him. He has a sharp tongue, is utterly sarcastic and it’s hard to read him. One usually doesn’t know when he’s talking serious and when not.

Red loves to fight but he has no will to actually win the fight. He loves the adrenalin he can get from the brawl and danger, he needs it to stay calm. He would win the fights if he had a reason or the will for it.. but well, his determination got crushed by some reasons.

He doesn’t trust others.. Not even his brother. This will eventually change

Drugs... alcohol... gambling. Red has a huge problem with these things... he is absolutely addicted. After losing his brother, he lost himself in the Underworld of the surface of Snowdin and the capitol. He used all these things to get rid of his feelings of guilt, his nightmares... all the bad things... life doesn’t seems too bad if being drunk from anything. He got out of the hardcore stuff eventually... which lead to his anxiety. He’s permanently stressed and nervous since he needs something to distract himself. This results in gambling, fighting or even just sleeping.

Red barely listens to anyone. He gives a fuck for the royalty and only submits if they hire some soldiers to punch some sanity into him.

He is still somewhat masochistic... because pain lets him forget about the things he usually worries about.

Another distraction is sex. He’s very picky, mostly fools with others and doesn’t let anyone close, if he doesn’t wants to. Red has dominant heats. While he is a total subby guy, his natural drive is dominant. He escalates, gets more violent than usually and could easily make bent a lot of monsters to him. So yeah, he can use sex as distraction, the high can make him drunk and he can be addicted to it too. But welp... he doesn’t like to be helpless in this case.. for some good reasons.

Red’s and Boss’ relationship is complicated. You could even dare to say that they aren’t a “real” couple at the current moment in my head. Not in the sense you usually or would love to see them? It’s kind of one-sided. Red is afraid to love, while Edge doesn’t really know it’s “that kind of love”. He realises fast that he’s dependent on Red, that he owns him his life and that he has to make sure that Red stops being such an idiot. But Red doesn’t really listens to him. Whatever Edge teaches him, will be used against him too.

It’s hard to explain what’s in my head right now but I’ll get into details later.

Hmm... his jacket was once like you used to know him. One of the sleeves got ripped off in one of his fights. So instead of throwing this jacket away, he ripped of the other sleeve too. Under his new vest is a short sleeved shirt.

Since Red means trouble and almost challenged everyone in the Underground, he has some paranoia being hunted. It’s a stupid side effect of trying to cope with his drug addiction by fights.. uhh... bad.

Red is easily annoyed and bored, he stops listening if something is not important in his opinion. But he does listen, if it’s the contrary... even if he acts stupid or indifferent.

He’s messed up because of the resets. He sometimes forgets what the current timeline is and just goes of murdering some monsters to get more level than the human could. This shows that he is powerful... if he has a reason to fight.

He has seen his brother getting dusted alot. He became almost indifferent to this... except.. for one event: This one will be shown later~ <3 I will make a comic for this.

Mhmm... that’s it for now?

[munchkinxcop-blog]

Erin

Every month since the beginning of their relationship, Erin fell into a pattern she never thought she’d see herself in.  Relationships hadn’t been her thing.  She’d sworn them off like the plague long before, learning that a relationship wasn’t needed to get by in the slightest.  A casual thing, hook ups, nothing serious; all did just fine.  She didn’t need to be tied to someone to be complete.  She knew how to be alone and she was quite happy doing so.  She liked her apartment of perfection, her own accomplishment, her own space.  She liked the silence.  She liked the glass of wine after a long day without needing to share the television.  She liked her sappy romantic comedies.  She was  perfectly fine living her life just the way she wanted to live it without any regard for how it affected anyone else.  She was fine.  Until she wasn’t anymore.

  Detective C.J. Luciano was a distraction from that which she should have been focused on and she knew it.  His dimples were a little too deep.  His smile a little too bright.  His come-on’s a little too effective, even if she’d never let on that they got to her.  She’d play hard to get for months because that’s what needed to happen here.  He was her partner.  There were rules to this game.  She knew them, as did he, and yet somehow they all got blurred.  All it would take was one case to completely turn things around.  It was funny how that worked.  A case would turn things around then and again now.  In the face of the most recent, it all became illuminated to the tiny detective.  She knew what she wanted more than anything in the world.  To marry this man and not wait until 2029 or even 2017.  She didn’t want the chance for something to take one of them away without the opportunity to take his name, to give her hand in marriage.  All of the clarity in the world hung around her shoulders as the two worked towards uniting officially in a manner completely in line with their relationship.  Secretive.  Private.  It was fitting.

  On the twenty-second anniversary of the day of hypotheticals,, Erin did her part to help with dinner.  Everything appearing as any other day, though this night she would hang back on getting the boys ready for bed.  Instead, she offered C.J. this time that she had been regularly interrupting, becoming the Queen of the teeth brushing routine and Bash’s antics to get out of it.  Always the two would kiss the boys goodnight together, but tonight the lead up would be all C.J. as Erin worked quickly downstairs.  “I’ll be up in a minute,” she had promised, although that minute would last nearly the duration of the bedtime routines for the boys.  Just before lights were turned out, she appeared at the top of the stairs, slinking into the doorway where C.J. sat upon Bash’s bed, giving him one last kiss on the forehead goodnight as J.J. riddled the man with a million questions.  Erin’s appearance in the doorway meant he had done his job well, distracting his father and drawing out the bedtime routine that much longer to buy her a bit of time downstairs.

  Slipping into the room, Erin offered him a quick wink of her eye in thanks before C.J. could turn around to catch her.  Bringing her hand to C.J.’s shoulder, she leaned in to press a kiss upon Bash’s forehead, offering one to the cheek of J.J. before her hand was finding C.J.’s.  “Goodnight,” she whispered to the two boys who were giggling messes over the fact they had been a help to Erin.  ‘Goodnight, dad.  Goodnight, mom.’  Being included in those biddings would never be taken lightly by the woman as she knew how blessed she was to be included there where once it had been a goodnight to her by name at the bottom of the stairs, yet now she was included in the best parts.  The personal parts.  Feeling as though she were completely interwoven into the fabric of that family, she led C.J. out of the room and into the hall at the top of the stairs.  Nothing seeming any different, the two walked down the stairs together, Erin just ahead of him until she stopped at the last step.  “Close your eyes,” she requested, taking both of his hands in her own as she drew his arms around her waist, forcing him to lean into her back as she took the next step down, trusting his eyes were closed.

  To the center of the living space, she guided him.  A place where there should have been furniture, yet there was not.  The sofa and chairs, side tables and coffee table had all been guided to the sides of the room.  In the pocket of her jeans resided her phone to which she already had several musical pieces done at his hands loaded within.  “Keep them closed,” she whispered as she stole a single hand from him, drawing out her phone to press play as she placed it to the dining room table there barely in arm’s reach.  As the soft piano music began, of which should be very familiar to the man, she turned around there in his arms.  With his eyes still closed, it was here she’d draw a deep breath.  A woman who previously held no sign of nervousness now seemed to reek of it for fear she’d botch that which she was about to attempt.  Weeks of practice in secret would here be exposed to him as she drew another slow breath before parting her lips to speak.

  In a sea of lit candles on every solid surface in the room, with the soft music playing from her phone, strings of white lights surrounded the candles giving a soft glow to their living space transformed into something different altogether.  Her voice cracked at her first syllable, to which she’d quickly stop and begin again.

  “Amore mio, posso avere questo ballo?”

C.J.

“You want me to close my eyes on the steps?” just making sure he understood this, a cock of his brow. Knowing the woman would hardly be able to catch him if he fell though the concept would prove to be quite hilarious in truth when he considered it. Feeling her guiding his arms around her waist as he finally gave in. Maybe against his better judgement. Eyes closed as he allowed her to do what she had set out to do. Finally, it all began making sense to the man. The reason why the boys had been so difficult to get down. Part of him was tempted to ask her what she was paying them for their services. Feeling her guiding him as he kept his eyes closed as she instructed, nearly peaking at the familiarity of a music. Taking a moment to register that it was his. By the time she was speaking Italian, his eyes were opening whether she liked it or not. A quick flash of a smile in her direction before he was registering his surroundings. Glancing over her shoulder, a satisfied smile at what the living room had turned into. “Impressive, Miss Lindsay.” He bid truthfully before a nod of his head. “Ovviamente.”

Erin

His show of faith in her would not go unnoticed as her idea of closing his eyes there with a few steps to go could have gone terribly wrong.  But as she now stood before him, speaking words she had practiced for weeks now, attempting to speak them as true to form as she could, the opening of his eyes came as no surprise.  A nervous bite was there to her lower lip as she caught a glimpse of those flaring dimples under the smile offered before his words of congratulations fell from his lips.  A hum found her lips as she drew her arms up and around his neck, taking position there before him as he answered in a word she’d not learned, yet could only imagine it to be some form of a ‘yes’ as she knew he would not deny her request.  “Miss Lindsay…” she seemed to dwell on a moment as her eyes found his.  “Use it while you can.  I’m trading it in.”  A promise there at her lips as she barely caught a glimpse of the boys at the top of the stairs, wanting to see first-hand what they had helped Erin pull off.  Keeping C.J.’s back towards that staircase as best as she could so they wouldn’t get caught, one hand eased from the back of his neck to gesture the two back to the room which they adhered to quickly, too quickly as the sound of feet on the upper level echoed down the staircase.  

C.J.

Hearing her remark on her trade in, he gave up a slight laugh. It still was nothing but amusing to him how far they have come. The two of them in the beginning seemed like a different couple all together laying that foundation. His hands settling to her sides as he felt her around his neck. Watching her as her eyes wandered, only able to wonder what capable of taking her from him in that moment yet as he detected the sound of feet upstairs. He finally understood. “How much did you have to pay them?” he asked out of curiosity as his lips found her forehead.

Erin

“Twenty bucks each.  Bash agreed for ten, but J.J. seemed to realize their value a little more and upped it, only if he could delay you another ten minutes…”  The confession there at her lips she’d hoped wouldn’t get the boys in trouble.  In all honesty, she’d offered to pay them for their help in the matter, but they were also supposed to stay in their room, so now that price could truly be negotiated further, but Erin wouldn’t dare.  They boys had done their jobs well, keeping C.J. quite busy for far longer than she’d needed, and for that they would each receive their payment the following day.  Feeling the pressing of his lips to her forehead, his hands to her sides, she drew in that much closer, finding herself quite ridiculous to think a single dance with the man could be worth forty dollars, but it was worth every penny in her mind.  “Joke’s on them.  I would’ve gone thirty.”

C.J.

“Smart kids.” he remarked honestly, as that had to be subject to some negotiation as many would have settled for alot less. Yet, his kids had Costra Nostra roots. As much as he might hate to admit it, it was in their blood. Feeling her draw in closer to him, his arms swept around her as his lips found her temple and down to her cheek. Her comment drawing a smirk out of him. “Don’t say that too loud. They may come down and decide they deserve a tip for the task.” he remarked, as C.J. had not been distracted easily and they probably deserved the upped rate.

Erin

“And here I thought you’d suggest they be paid in m&m’s and video game time.”  A laugh passed her lips as she felt him drawing her in closer.  The path of his lips there at the side of her face stole her laugh before it took root entirely, leaving just a dimpled smile behind.  One hand remaining to the back of his neck while the other rested against his shoulder, her eyes forever drifting over the ring on her left hand.  “Promise me we’ll always be like this?”  she asked, revealing the one thing that seemed to have held her back at every turn.  Things were so good when they were in secret that coming out a couple had struck fear in her.  The same would be true when it came to every progression in their relationship, all the way up until now.  Though every change had been for the best, there was a part of her that worried at the same time.  What if they got married and became boring?  She wanted this.  Spontaneity.  Romance.  Fire.  Desire.  All of which had laced throughout their entire relationship, yet she’d be lying if she said she didn’t fear some of it slipping away for some boring normalcy that seemed to rot marriages away.  “That ten years from now, you’ll still want to dance in the middle of the living room in blue jeans instead of watching Sports Center in bed, more interested in the remote than me?”

C.J.

Hearing her promise, it was a thought that he had held a few times. He had known what it was to be in a relationship that got stale after a few years. “We will be.” he promised, not an ounce of doubt in that statement. All sheer confidence as it always was as he pressed his face to the side of hers. Fingers drifting up her midback as his need to be close to her was without equal. Hearing her follow up, his head lifted so he could nudge his nose to hers. Guiding her eyes to his. “I promise…you are way more entertaining than Sports Center…especially Chicago Sports Center…” he recalled, he was never too far from a rant about why he couldn’t get New York Sports Center as he cared nothing for Chicago Sports teams.

Erin

The certainty in his eyes surpassed that which his words held, reassuring the woman when only the slightest bit of reassurance had been needed.  She wasn’t teetering here, only faintly concerned as what they had was too good to mess up.  Her past was checkered and filled with bad decisions, yet everything about this man was gold to her.  He was the one person she’d ever been involved with that she knew she didn’t deserve.  She didn’t earn his affections; they were given to her freely.  She didn’t work for his attention, as it had fallen on her before she had even been fully aware of it.  This life, with these boys, and this man was all too good to be true to the woman at times and this would stand as one of those times when she would become reflective and aware of all that had transpired between the two.  “So I’m good as long as they don’t find a way to filter in New York Sports Center.  Got it.”  She flashed him a playful smile there, lifting her chin enough to steal his lips for her own.  A soft passing of her lips over his as her hand lifted from his shoulder to find the side of his face.  The woman who didn’t do love and didn’t do relationships was neck deep with no desire for rescue.

C.J.

“Even then.” he stated honestly before her lips were finding his, pressing his own back to hers as he felt her to his face. Pressing back gently to hers. “Much better than New York Sports Center…” a ventured statement she’d probably be shocked of but it didn’t get any better than Erin in C.J.’s eyes. She had to realize it by now. He had fallen in love at first sight with her. That thing he never believed existed. That he laughed at other people for suggesting. He had been subject to it when he least wanted or needed it. When he had been ready to concentrate everything on his kids and work. She snuck in and made him a better man as a result and for that, he’d forever be grateful. “The best thing to come into my life since my kids were born. Hands down.”

Erin

The light flush of her cheeks was instantaneous as he bestowed such words upon her.  Words she knew she didn’t deserve, thus striking upon her former awareness only making it stronger in that moment.  She did absolutely nothing to make this man feel this way for her, whereas in reverse he’d done everything to make her feel this way for him.  “You know, you got the ring on the girl, you got the girl in your house, and there’s a /fairly/ good chance you’ll get laid tonight,” she whispered, teasing at him as though he didn’t have to say such things to her anymore, though in truth she loved it all, only wishing she had something to offer in return that amounted to more than silly anniversary ploys once a month.  Slipping her hand from the side of his face to join her other hand behind his neck, eyes set upon his as she flashed her trademark half smile up at the man.  “I love the way you love me,” she whispered honestly, dropping the playful nature in exchange for the truth, knowing she’d spend the rest of her life attempting to show him an ounce of that which he had shown her, forever falling shy as the depths of his love were so easily displayed and hers had a tendency to leak out from time to time, though she struggled to show so blatantly as he could easily seem to manage.  “So you know what I’m afraid of.  What are you afraid of?” she asked, bringing this back to any uneasiness he may have at venturing into a marriage with the woman, sure there must be something he held some form of nerves or reservation within, or at least hoping on some level she wasn’t the only one to experience such things.  

C.J.

“Doesn’t make any difference to me.” he stated honestly, as she always pointed this out. “Does that mean I’m supposed to stop?’ he asked curiously, cocking a brow when they both knew he couldn’t help it. It would be painful to attempt to hold back and he wasn’t in the business of causing himself unnecessary pain now days. Hearing her mention how he loved him, he had to smirk softly. “Yeah, I’d hope so because I don’t know how to do it anyother way.” rams tightening around her. Hearing her follow up question that brought about a thoughtful breath. Meeting her eyes as he allowed that moment of silence. “You realizing I’m not all that great one day like…” stopping just short of saying her name, he let that statement stay there. She knew what he was saying.

Erin

“You are that great,” she instantly offered without a moment of hesitation there as he cut off his sentence to which she’d fill the gap.  Lifting to her toes to press her lips to his, she’d hear no more of such a thing as he was the single greatest man she’d ever known and she’d not even entertain the idea of him being anything otherwise.  Lowering back as suddenly as she had met his lips, she knew she had to give more than just a quick statement and a kiss, attempting to give him the reassurance he had given her at her own concerns.  “There is not ever going to be a day that I wake up and think you any different than I know you to be.  You are a good man.  A good father.  The only thing I’m one day going to realize is that I should have taken you up on a date sooner.  I’m never going to want to be anywhere but here with you.”  Honesty poured from the tiny woman’s lips as she offered such to him, though not nearly as gracefully as he had.  If anyone was waking up one day to realize anything, it would be him realizing she wasn’t worthy of all of this, not the other way around.  “I’m going to spend my life with you,” she promised, eyes speaking to the certainty her words contained.  Her smile to directly follow as she couldn’t say such a thing without pairing it with such as it was simply second nature at this point.  As the music on the phone faded out, there was a full silence there between the phone and her lips before the next would begin.  “I could never leave, C.J., and she was an idiot, but honestly?  I’m glad she did or I wouldn’t be standing here.”

C.J.

Hearing her catching up with his thought process as she attempted to reassure him of that, his eyes on hers as her promise rang true to his own sentiments. He nodded. “You are.” he returned, back to his normally confident himself with only that brief relapse that plagued him at the flareups of these memories. The world fading away to the background as he heard her follow up statement. Giving up a soft laugh as he nodded. “Honestly? I’m glad she did too.” never thinking he would say that but with the exception of all the blood that had been shed on the way from her, he would have done it all over again. Only slight adjustments to keep innocents from being involved yet the end would always lead him back to her. To this space in time right now.

Erin

Quite taken aback by his confession that he felt the same of his past, she couldn’t help but offer a smile.  There were things both of them would surely change, things they had kept off the table in the early days of their relationship, perhaps even things they still did not fully know of one another’s pasts, and yet even with all the mistakes it took to get to this place, she knew whole heartedly there was nowhere else she’d rather be and if it took those mistakes to get here, she’d repeat them tenfold for the promise of being in this living room, dancing with this man, with two boys upstairs.  Stealing his lips with her own, the soft tone of the man’s voice still filling the space through the speaker of her phone even as his lips were quite occupied by her own, having learned all romance from him it seemed as he had brought something out within the woman she’d never held for another.  Anniversaries.  Gifts.  Surprises.  A world in which she’d never considered joining, and yet with him she could easily see a life of just this until the youth was long gone from the both of them, the children raised and gone, yet still just as in love as they were in that very moment looking back on a time when 2029 sounded like the best answer and the ‘m’ word was never met without her losing her shit.  The hypotheticals and the continued argument over the existence of twerking on their first date.  All thoughts culminated in a smile stealing her lips mid-kiss as her hand slipped down to his upper arm, showing no interest in her lips leaving his as finally she shut up and just enjoyed something as simple as dancing with her fianc? on one of their final days of engagement, making promises to one another, quelling fears, and coming through to the other side where there would be no more Lindsay and Luciano, but only Luciano’s remaining.

-July 2, 2016