#Jan- when you really can't do worse | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jplupine · 11 months ago

Text

"Good Boy."

Pairing: Kenpachi Zaraki x AFAB Reader Word Count: ~5k Date Published: Jan 2, 2024 WARNINGS: 18+ Minors/Ageless get blocked, Established Relationship, Size Difference, Marking, Feral Behavior, Choker, Finger Sucking, Handjob, Hair Pulling, Cunnilingus, Praise Kink, Light Degradation, Office Sex, Terms of Endearment [My Love, Sweetheart, Good Boy], Creampie, Overstimulation, Dom!Reader, Sub!Kenpachi; Reader is AFAB but no gender is specified, Terms such as cock/dick/etc. get used

A/N: Y'all, Kenpachi really does make SUCH a good guard dog sub iykyk 😫 going feral every time I think about it

It was quiet as you went back and forth between your desk and the shelves as you got work done. Some of the windows were open to let in the breeze along with sounds from the garden. Birds chirping, a running waterfall, and a shishi-odoshi rhythmically thunking against a rock.

It was rare to get such a peaceful day given the ruckus your peers tended to cause.

Grabbing a folder from the basket on the corner of your desk, you flipped it open to start signing the paperwork within. The scratching of your pen against the paper was a dull, monotonous sound.

You suddenly jolted when screeching laughter went running past outside. Yachiru's voice was unmistakable, as was Ikkaku's as he bellowed and demanded for the little girl to leave him alone. You heavily sighed and grabbed a tissue to dab at the ink that had been smeared when you got startled.

Their voices eventually faded the further away from the building they got. Peace returned, and you closed the folder before standing and taking it to the Captain's desk on the other side of the room. Placing it down, you then went back to your seat to go through the motions again.

As you read through another report, you saw a large shadow cross over one of the windows from the corner of your eye. The door then swung open before a tall man ducked under the frame to enter the room.

"About time you got here. Those files are piling up." You stated without looking up from the pages in front of you.

"So?"

"So, you need to go through those reports and sign off on them. I'm not doing all of the work here." You maintained a firm tone as Kenpachi crossed the room to his desk. He flopped down into his chair, the poor thing creaking under his weight.

"I thought you liked this boring shit." Kenpachi huffed, and you finally looked up. He was leaning back in his seat with his arms crossed and a stern look on his face.

"Captain, there's a difference between being responsible and enjoying this work. Now," You softly sighed while pointing at the piles of folders on his desk. "those are mission reports, those are training reports, and those are-"

"I don't care." Kenpachi cut you off while keeping his gaze on you. Your mouth pursed into a flat line, and you maintained eye contact.

"Captain." Your tone made one of his bald eyebrows quirk up. "You can't keep pawning your responsibilities off on others just because you find them boring." Kenpachi didn't respond at first. He looked to be sizing you up before he cocked his head to the side.

"C'mere." There was another silent pause before you softly sighed through your nose and stood up. Leaving your pen on the desk, you then went over to his side of the room. "Who do you think you are telling your captain what to do?"

"I think I'm the one who keeps having to clean up after you." Glancing down at the stacks of paperwork on his desk, you then looked back up at him. "You're worse than a dog, Captain. Even a puppy knows to sit and stay when told." You went around the desk while Kenpachi watched you with sharp eyes and his arms still crossed.

You noticed how he tensed ever so slightly now that you were on the same side of the desk as him. Placing a hand on the desk, you didn't back down even with the intimidating expression on Kenpachi's face.

"Did you just compare me to a fucking dog?" His voice growled as his fingers dug into his arms.

"Don't like it? Maybe you should do your job." Kenpachi shot up out of his seat to tower over you and planted his hands on the desk on either side of you.

"Maybe I should do my job and remind you of your place." His upper lip curled up into a snarl, but you were too used to his intimidation that it no longer worked on you. Instead, you stood up straighter with your face only inches from his.

"Sit down." You ordered, but Kenpachi didn't move an inch, so you hooked your foot around his chair to bring it closer. It was clear you wouldn't repeat yourself, and Kenpachi slowly sat down with his hands still on the desk, your eyes locked the entire time. "Now, you're not leaving here until that paperwork is done. Understood?"

Kenpachi burst into mad laughter, but you remained stern.

"I'm not joking, Kenpachi." You curled your fingers behind his choker as your gaze dropped. "I know you hate this part of your job, but it must be done. I'll make it easier for you if you want. Only if you actually stay here and work."

"....I'm listening." Kenpachi's tone softened with his gaze dropping to your mouth.

"Good boy." You smiled while bringing your face closer to his. "I'll give you a treat for each one you complete."

"What kind of treat?"

"The kind that makes you whimper." You purred before kissing him. Kenpachi went to stand while caging you against the desk, but you stopped him before he could get much further. "Ah-ah. Sit back down."

"C'mon-"

"You heard me. Sit. Down." You raised your eyebrows, daring him to disobey. Kenpachi growled, but he did as told. "The treats come after." You grabbed a file and pulled it closer to open it. Picking up a pen, you held it out to him.

"How do you expect me to focus now?"

"Aw, you poor thing. Don't tell me you're already worked up without me even touching you." You smiled again and lifted his face by his chin. "I guess I can make a little compromise. Take the pen."

He snatched it from you, and you sat on his thigh. His nose brushed against your jaw until you grabbed his choker and forced his head away.

"Look at the paper, not me."

"Little shit." Kenpachi growled while tearing his gaze away to look at the opened file folder.

"Don't be rude. I don't have to help you." You kissed his cheek as he grumbled under his breath. You heard the scratching of the pen as he signed his name on the bottom line of the first page. His grip on the pen wasn't a comfortable one, but that was no surprise given how he would avoid paperwork as much as possible and only did it begrudgingly.

He flipped to the next page, and you kissed the corner of his jaw.

"Are you not even going to read it?"

"I know you already did."

"So?"

"So, if it was that big of a deal, you'd say somethin'."

"Our squad would suffer without me." You softly sighed while grabbing his sash to undo the knot. Kenpachi's cock was already hard and lifting the front of his hakama, and he signed his name again. "Keep writing." You ordered when Kenpachi was about to turn toward you. "Good boy." His sash came undone as you kissed the side of his neck.

You then opened his haori and kosode more to expose his torso entirely. Kenpachi was tense and gripping the pen tighter as you kissed down the side of his neck.

"Just keep working. You're doing good." Pulling his hakama down, his cock sprung free. "Open your mouth." Kenpachi's jaws parted as his long tongue stuck out. You placed your fingers into his mouth with his tongue curling around your digits. "Get them nice and wet, sweetheart." You purred and kissed his cheek.

Kenpachi struggled to keep his eyes on the papers in front of him. His hand not busy writing moved from the desk to grab your hip and pull you even closer. You felt his thigh tense beneath you as you stroked your fingers over his tongue until he began to drool.

His saliva dripped down his chin and your hand. Kenpachi grunted with his teeth bared like fangs, but you knew he wouldn't bite down on your fingers, not with the promise of pleasure being so close.

When you finally pulled away from his mouth, drool stretched between your fingertips and his lips. You lowered your hand to grab his dick and smear his saliva over the length of his shaft. Kenpachi shuddered and hunched over with a shaky breath.

"Fuck."

"Focus. You need to make that legible." Your hand went higher, stroking over the head of his cock. There was an audible snap from Kenpachi's grip breaking the pen. It made you chuckle before you opened one of the desk drawers with your foot. "There's more pens in there. You're not getting out of work that easily."

"Damn it." Kenpachi reluctantly picked up a pen from the drawer.

"Come on. You're almost done with this one." You slid your fingers into his hair, and he groaned while leaning into your touch. His grip on your hip tightened as you continued to languidly stroke his cock.

Kenpachi made it to the end of the page before slamming the folder closed. He dropped the pen and turned to you, wrapping his arms around you while burying his face into the side of your neck. His tongue lapped over your pulse as his fingers dug into your flesh until you pulled his hair to yank his head back.

"It's cute when you're so eager."

"I finished the damn thing."

"Yes, you did." You chuckled. "But that's not the only one, my love."

"You said I'd get a treat for each one I finish."

"I did."

"Then why the fuck are you pulling me away?"

"Maybe I want a kiss." You smiled before pressing your lips to his. The kiss was hungry and intensified when you slid your tongue into his mouth. Your thumb rubbed over his slit, smearing precum and making him moan into your mouth.

His hips bucked, driving his cock further into your hand.

"Touch me." Your voice was breathy as you spoke against his lips before you continued the kiss. Kenpachi's large hand went between your thighs, rubbing against your core through your clothes.

Kenpachi groaned as your fingers tangled in his hair to tug again. You nipped his bottom lip before licking to soothe the sting.

"Finish another one, and you can take my clothes off." You muttered while looking at his kiss-swollen lips. His hand shot out to grab another folder. "Mm. Perhaps I spoil you too much."

"I'm not spoiled." Kenpachi snapped with a glare.

"Really? Work, then." You raised your eyebrows while pulling away from him. You even crossed your arms to stop touching him. "If you're not spoiled, I shouldn't have to reward you just to get you to do your duties." Kenpachi looked shocked as his mouth hung open with his brows deeply furrowed.

You stood up with your back turned to him. You could feel Kenpachi's burning gaze as the corners of your mouth twitched up into an amused smile.

"As I was saying earlier, these ones are-" You cut yourself off when Kenpachi was on his feet and looming over you. He slammed his hands down on the desk, his hot breath hitting the top of your head.

"I don't need you to get work done." Kenpachi growled. Without saying anything, you flipped open the file and made your challenge clear.

You were pushing it, toying with Kenpachi's limits. His nails dug into the desk as he huffed, and you wondered what he might do. Would he crack and give in or would his stubbornness get in the way?

Kenpachi picked up the pen and began to scribble along the printed line. You flipped the page once he was done to expose the next one. When he got to the third page, Kenpachi stepped closer as his writing began to slow. His lips brushed the back of your neck with his body pressing against yours.

You ignored him to keep him working. His sharp teeth scraped over your skin, sending a tingle up your spine. Kenpachi nipped while grinding against your ass to get friction against his erection.

"See? You couldn't even make it five minutes."

"Shut up." Kenpachi growled against the back of your neck.

"Why? Are you embarrassed?" You smirked while leaning back and looking up to see the tall man. His gaze was a mix of agitation and wanting. "I can't take your anger seriously when you can't even stop humping me like a dog."

"I'm the captain. This is my office. You are my subordinate."

"Oh, listen to you barking. It's sweet how you try, but we both know the truth." Your hand reached back to run up his bare thigh. You studied his face, watching every subtle change in his expression as he listened to you. "Ranks mean nothing here." Reaching up with your other hand, you cupped his cheek, and he leaned into your touch. "Just give in to me. Let me take the weight off your shoulders, my love."

You could see the way he seemed to think about it. You already knew he'd bend; he craved you too much to deny you.

His hand suddenly grabbed your sash only to have you smack it away.

"I already told you the terms, Kenpachi. My clothes don't come off until you've finished going through this file." The large man responded by huffing through his nose like a bull with an irritated expression on his face. "Don't give me that look. You're the one taking forever to finish your work."

"I-"

"No. And I won't repeat myself again." Your tone had a threatening edge that got his attention. It was a battle of wills, and you both knew your resolve was much stronger. Kenpachi was greatly driven by his instincts given his upbringing and was rarely ever patient. It was something you used against him to make him crumble.

He was already aching, and grinding against your ass wasn't enough- he wanted more. So he angrily scrawled on the papers on the desk, signing off on the reports that had been waiting so long for him to do so. You couldn't help but smile at your victory. You rocked your hips back, pressing against his hard cock to tease him.

"Ngh!" Kenpachi hunched over with his jaw clenched tight, his nails digging into the desk as his grip on the pen was nearly crushing it. You then turned around to face him while sitting against the edge of the desk.

With his hakama pooled around his ankles and the rest of his clothes barely hanging on his shoulders, there was nothing obscuring your view of his body. His thighs were like tree trunks on either side of you, his dick hard and leaking from the tip as his broad chest rose and fell with each breath.

You hummed and grabbed his hips to pull him closer while listening to the scratching of the pen against the paper.

"Oh, sweetheart. You should finish that fast if you want to take care of this anytime soon." You cooed while running your finger over the head of his cock to collect the precum beading there. Kenpachi's hips bucked as his breath shook, and now that you were facing him, you could see every twitch and flex of his muscles from your touch.

Even his thighs twitched on either side of you as you made it harder for him to focus. Leaning forward, you kissed his warm chest before licking. You listened to how his breath faltered as he tried so hard to get to the last page of the report. You were feeding off of his desperation.

Grabbing his choker, you pulled him closer to kiss down the side of his neck. Your hands went up the back of his thighs before cupping his ass and squeezing. Kenpachi jolted and paused for a second to take a deep breath.

Your hands traveled over his hips and down his thighs only to trail back up his inner thighs. Your fingertips ghosting over the sensitive skin there made Kenpachi's cock twitch. Precum left a trail of moisture along his shaft as he rocked his hips as if silently begging for you to touch him where he needed it most.

Dragging your finger up the underside of his dick, Kenpachi grunted. The low, gravelly sound delighted you as you continued to toy with the large man before you. Your fingertips traced his form, following the dips and curves of his muscles as you nipped his chest and left gentle marks on his skin.

Kenpachi, on the other hand, was barely hanging on. He was beginning to sound like an animal with his heavy breaths and grunting through clenched teeth. His hips rocked, seeking any relief he could get while struggling to get to the end of the report.

You knew when he finally reached the end because he nearly ripped your sash off and threw open your kosode. Kenpachi was determined to get you undressed as soon as possible without ruining your clothes. No matter how tempting it was to do so, he knew the consequences from the last time he'd done it and left you pissed off and waiting in the office while he had to go find you new clothes.

His hands were on you, pulling and squeezing to get your body against his without any space in between. His face was in your hair, inhaling your scent without shame with a groan.

You grabbed his haori to shove it off his shoulders, leaving him naked with his clothes piled on the floor. Kenpachi nipped the corner of your jaw before licking to soothe the sting as he wrapped his arms around you to get you on the desk. You slid the reports back to make more room.

Kenpachi left sloppy kisses down the side of your neck while running his hands up your thighs. His tongue dragged over your collarbone as your fingers tangled in his hair. You pushed his head lower while spreading your legs further.

"I'll give you a choice here. I'll let you cum if you finish another report, or you can use that tongue of yours first instead." Kenpachi looked up at you, and without hesitation, buried his face between your thighs. He grabbed your hips to pull you closer to the edge of the desk as he fell to his knees. "Good boy." You purred while running your fingers through his wild hair.

Kenpachi groaned when he tasted your arousal. With one hand still in his hair, you placed the other on the desk to give you better stability. His tongue made broad strokes to lap up your accumulated slick, but he wasn't slow. No, he was like a starved man and a mess.

His eyes were hooded but never fully closed as he dragged his tongue over your clit. You took in a sharp breath and tightened your grip on his hair. Kenpachi groaned, the vibration traveling along his tongue in the best ways.

You tilted your hips to give him easier access to your leaking core, and he greedily slid his tongue deep inside to let your taste drown his taste buds. His hands moved from your hips to your thighs while getting your legs over his broad shoulders.

Kenpachi was noisy and dug his fingers into your plush thighs. His naturally menacing features were endearing with the red tint coloring the tips of his ears and his nose scrunched up with a snarl. It was as if he couldn't get enough of you with the way he pulled you closer and groaned into your wet heat.

His tongue eventually retreated only for his lips to close around your clit. You moaned when he began sucking and let your head fall back with your eyes closed. His strong grip on your thighs helped keep you grounded because, fuck, was his mouth good for more than just shouting.

"That's it. You're doing so good." Your breathy voice was followed by a moan. Kenpachi dragged his tongue over your clit before delving back into your core. You looked down at him to see that he was already looking up at you. "What's the matter, gorgeous? Reaching your limit?"

Kenpachi growled while tightening his grip on your thighs to the point of bruising. His pupils were wide and made his eyes look so dark, and the hunger within their depths made you nearly pounce on him, but you had to maintain at least a modicum of self-control. There was no telling what damage could be done to the office if you didn't.

"You're- Ngh!- right where you belong, my love. On your knees for me." You gave a lopsided grin while running your fingers through his hair. "I bet your poor cock is weeping being so neglected." You tugged on his hair to force his face back away from you.

Around his mouth and chin were soaked with drool and your slick, mixing and dripping from his chin as he panted. Kenpachi licked his lips like a hungry animal would its maw.

"Do you think you deserve to cum?" You questioned while cocking your head to the side.

"Yes." Kenpachi's voice was low and husky.

"I don't know." You hummed.

"What else do you want from me? The reports? I'll fill out the fucking reports."

"Begging now, are you? My, you must be desperate." You leaned over while pulling his hair to make his head lean back. Kissing his forehead, you smiled. "All right, sweetheart." You slid your legs off his shoulders to stand.

Placing your hands on his shoulders, you lowered yourself to straddle his lap and to keep him on his knees. Draping one arm over the back of his neck, you reached down with your other hand. Kenpachi grabbed your hips as you palmed his cock to guide him toward your entrance.

The slick and saliva helped ease his way in, and you kissed him while feeling him go deeper and deeper. You could taste yourself on his lips as he groaned. Kenpachi's grip tightened, digging his fingers into your flesh with a low grunt.

"Mmm. Fuck, you feel so good." You muttered with your lips brushing against his while carding your fingers through the trail of hair under his belly button. With your feet hooked over his thighs, you were able to lift yourself before lowering back down.

Kenpachi's hands moved from your hips to grab your ass. You licked his cheek while running your hand up his torso. His breath shook as you touched him.

"Open your eyes, sweetheart. Look at me." Kenpachi opened his eyes and looked right into yours. "You're doing so good. But I want you to do one more thing for me, my love."

His jaw clenched as his eyes begged you to not make him wait any longer. He'd been holding out this entire time, doing as you asked, listening to your orders and accepting your terms.

You chuckled and grabbed his choker before falling back while dragging him down with you. You landed on your clothes with him hovering over you. Taking in a deep breath through your nose, you slowly let it out through your mouth.

"I want you to let loose, big boy. Make me cum." You purred while still holding his choker. Kenpachi's nostrils flared as he huffed like a bull. He planted his hands on the floor on either side of you before rocking his hips back.

"Fucking finally." Kenpachi muttered before thrusting his hips into you. He groaned as you bit your bottom lip. His long hair spilled over his shoulders and swayed with his thrusting.

"Harder." You panted while tugging on his choker, and he did as told, going harder while digging his nails into the floor. You moaned with your legs hooking over his hips. After a few thrusts, however, Kenpachi snatched something from the floor while lifting your hips. He shoved the garment under you after rolling it up.

Kenpachi had used his Captain's Haori to angle your hips higher. Given the size difference between you two, it made it easier for Kenpachi to go deeper at the perfect angle. Your head rolled back with a moan as Kenpachi groaned. He was pistoning his cock, his balls smacking against your ass with each thrust.

"Fuck! Yes, right there!" You pulled Kenpachi closer, and he buried his face into your neck, moaning into your skin. His larger body caged yours against the floor as he clung to you, his grip rough enough to leave marks.

Your nails raked over his back, leaving red lines in their wake. Kenpachi bucked his hips as he grunted and his hot breath rolled over your skin. You felt his lips part before his teeth grazed your shoulder.

One of your hands slid up the back of his neck and into his hair. His thrusts jostled your entire body, his dick dragging against your walls before slamming back in at a rapid pace. He was grunting and groaning into your shoulder with some of the sounds he made coming out like growls and whines.

"Oh, fuck~!" You pulled on his hair while leaving more marks on his back. "Don't stop! Don't you dare fucking stop!" The pressure was rising in your lower gut as you could feel your orgasm getting closer and closer.

Kenpachi groaned and latched his mouth on the side of your neck to leave a hickey. His rough hands pulled you even closer to his body, skin feeling so hot as if a fire was burning just beneath. He let go of your neck with a pop before dragging his tongue over the forming bruise.

His mark was too high to be hidden beneath your uniform, but you didn't mind. The needy brute was like a dog marking territory, making sure others knew you were taken. Who else could make him feel this way and beg for it again if not you?

How your fingers tangled in his hair and pulled, the marks you left on his skin, the way you squeezed around him; it was maddening.

"Look at me, sweetheart." You got Kenpachi to lift his head to look at you. He was a mess, drooling and panting with his hair looking wilder from you mussing it up. Cupping his face in your hands, you brushed your thumbs over his cheeks. "That's my good boy." You cooed, but his gaze went unfocused as his jaw dropped with a loud, rumbling moan.

Kenpachi rutted with his balls still smacking against your ass, his cock twitching with each spurt of cum. His entire body tensed, but he forced his hips to keep moving.

"I told you to make me cum."

"I will. I will." Kenpachi panted and grabbed the back of your knees to push your legs toward your chest. "I can keep going." He grunted, but you could hear the edge of desperation in his voice. With his hips flush against your ass, you felt so utterly full as his cum was leaking out.

His gaze was glued to you as his thrusts were slower but deeper than before. Kenpachi looked feral with drool dripping down his chin and the veins in his his arms bulging as he held you in place. He was determined to give you what you wanted no matter how overstimulated he got.

You placed one of your hands over your pelvis and added pressure, making both of you moan. Kenpachi bucked and shuddered while snarling and trying so hard to hang on. With your other hand, you began to rub circles over your clit.

The sound Kenpachi made as you clenched around his cock was a gravely whimper as his back arched. His grip on your thighs tightened, and you listened to him cry out. His determination to give you what you wanted, to make you happy, was the only thing keeping him going. Kenpachi's overly sensitive dick continued plowing and forcing out his cum with each thrust.

It made a mess on both of you, and you were filled with pride. Watching the large, intimidating man crumbling over you was such a delight. He was trying his best to wade through the pleasure and overstimulation numbing his mind to make sure you got to cum, too.

When you finally did get to climax, Kenpachi was cumming again with a loud, bellowing moan. He buried his cock in you as deep as he could, feeling you tense around him as his eyes closed from the overwhelming sensations.

Kenpachi groaned while dropping on top of you. His face nuzzled under your jaw with his arms wrapping around you.

"Aw, tuckered out now? That's okay. You did so good." You couldn't help but chuckle before kissing the side of his head. Wrapping your arms around him, you even carded your fingers through his hair in a comforting manner. Despite his weight on you, it wasn't too much for you to tell him to move. You let him rest on you, skin to skin, as his heavy breathing began to mellow out.

With your cheek resting on his head, your hand not playing with his hair began to rub soothing circles over his shoulder blade.

"Do you need water?" You questioned, and Kenpachi grunted in response. "I have a bottle at my desk if you do." He only grunted again. "You're so cute like this, my love." You chuckled and kissed the side of his head again.

In return, Kenpachi just nuzzled against you further. After all of your teasing and then the overstimulation, it wasn't a surprise that he would need a moment to collect himself. Your touch was gentle and helped ground him.

"A reward for each report?" Kenpachi mumbled against your throat.

"Yes, you'll still get a treat. But only when you finish them." Your answer was met with a grunt to let you know you had been heard. Kenpachi suddenly reared up, kneeling while leaning on the edge of the desk. You heard the rustling of papers from him going through another report. Chuckling, you sat up and kissed his chest before resting your cheek against his skin, listening to his heartbeat while patiently waiting and thinking of his next reward.

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mantequillamcwhoremick · 3 months ago

Note

Hi! I ended up reading through Choas Plan in pretty much two days (your writing is actually phenomenal) but I was actually curious on your inspirations to write it? Did it come from any other particular works or maybe episodes from sp?

WHAT NO WAY😭😭😭😭😭😭WHAT THE HELL THAT'S SO NICE HOLY SHIT THANK YOU SO MUCH <33333

You can't just ask me shit like that dude I will respond with a huge fucking essay I LOVE questions like that!!!!

I honestly have several inspirations, many come from the show itself and some I've drawn from cyber crime documentaries and books I like (namely the Six of Crows duology by Leigh Bardugo, you might recognize the scene with Mysterion and Harris in chapter 3 is very VERY similar to the one between Kaz and Jan Van Eck at the beginning of the book), but if you've read the notes in the fic you might have seen that the story idea was initially born when I was playing TFBW.

The Idea

The U-Stor-It scene where Butters/Chaos locks the C**n and Friends in the facility and talks to them through a screen was just so fascinating to me, it reminded me a lot of Jinx from Arcane and the Joker in The Dark Knight (especially because of the flashy decorations and graffiti). Mainly the story evolved from the question I posed to myself in that moment, which was: "What needs to happen for Butters to become someone like Jinx?" and that's how I started brainstorming the backstory.

The Backstory

Obviously that was inspired mainly by Linda's behavior in Butters' Very Own Episode, but it features elements from stuff all over the series and the games that prove just how fucked up Butters' parents are and treat him.

(Remember when in TFBW he mentioned that they bought an electronic lock system to keep him in his room because he left the bathroom once while grounded? yeah, that convinced me Butters' home life probably would only get worse with the years, especially with him entering his teens & puberty, and Post Covid honestly just confirmed that.)

The Villain/Hero Concept

I hadn't yet watched much more of South Park than up until seasons 15/16 so I didn't know about Post Covid's Vic Chaos yet, I mostly just wanted to do something with Mysterion and Chaos that had a darker and serious tone without either of them having any Marvel-esque powers or tech-organizations aiding them, something closer to the South Park lore at hand and realistic enough to feel like it could happen in our world.

Chaos' Methods

With Butters having a knack for Internet-related shit and him being able to hack into a baseball stadium screen to broadcast his evil plans in the Professor Chaos episode, and ofc his whole thing in TFBW and the episode of him becoming a pimp, I figured he has the stuff to be a hacker and entrepreneur.

I started getting spoilered a lot on the whole Vic Chaos and NFT scammer thing so even though I hadn't watched Post Covid I drew a lot of inspiration from that as well. I've been watching a lot of documentaries on Cryptocurrency scams and other cyber crime related stuff, so yeah all that shit also gets my brain generating a bunch of ideas as well.

Mysterion

As for Kenny/Mysterion's side of the story- I'm a huge fan of the "criminal who gets paid by a shitty pig/capitalist who would normally never hire them to take on a job" concept in Six of Crows, so that's how I got Harris involved, later further fueled by his Thin White Line arc in TFBW.

The way Kenny used his death powers in the C**n & Friends episodes I found very intriguing, and I absolutely LOVE playing around with them, so I included my own interpretation & spin of it as an active "superpower" he uses in order to be successful enough as a vigilante to be taken seriously. His canon powers separate him from your average humanbeing. It's a way to show the audience "hey look, Kenny really is just some guy, but also no one else could take on this role, ever. He may not have super strength or speed or money for equipment backing him, but he can get into places and out like no other person ever."

Coming up with a kryptonite-type weakness was also super fun, because I didn't want things to just be too easy. Mainly it's his need to remain anonymous, but the biggest reason for that need is because he needs to keep up his ability to financially support Karen. That, I obviously got from the show-, namely episodes like Mysterion Rises, The Poor Kid and City Part of Town, but his dynamic with Karen got increasingly more interesting and influenced in the fic after I played the TFBW DLC From Dusk Til Casa Bonita. The fact that he's so obsessed with keeping her safe the best way he knows how but completely overlooks to consider letting her have a say in it, is absolutely delicious. Like fuck yes, let's go complicate these character relationships (rubs hands evilly)

TL;DR

Inspirations come from all over, but of course the main ones do come from the show and games. Kenny and Butters have always been increasingly fascinating characters to me the more I watched the show, so the fact that Kenny canonically is the only kid Butters respects (source: s16, Ep "Going Native"), to an extent that in the future Butters funded his entire career, I thought had a shit ton of potential. Hence their friendship in the fic before "the incident", and the way Butters goes about Kenny now that he's taking over the town >:)))

Thank you SO SO MUCH for the ask!!!! I hope I didn't ramble too much for what you actually wanted to know, but I just absolutely love sharing my inspirations for this fic. Really gets my brain go brrrrr heheheh I'm so so grateful that this interests you <33333

#ask #south park #sp #kenny mccormick #sp kenny #butters stotch #sp butters #sp bunny #mysterion #professor chaos #Chaos Plan #my fic #ao3 writer #sp fanfiction #south park fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction

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tikus-library · 10 months ago

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"The Look"

Avengers AU - Quick Fic

Characters: Sam Wilson, Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Reader

Posted: Jan 20th

WARNINGS: none, idiots being idiots

A/N: I was at the laundromat yesterday when I saw the gif and needed to write something- so gave this.

Like, Comments, & Reblogs are always appreciated and loved.

**Please Do Not Repost or 'Fix' My Work**

Leave kudos on Ao3

“Here comes Y/N! Do the thing- do the thing!” Sam elbowed him, shit eating grin in place.

Bucky sighed with his entire soul, “Sam, it doesn't do anything, it's just a look, that's all, it doesn't matter”

“If it doesn't matter then do it.”

“Why would I?” He shot back as Sam stopped, shifted his hip out and crossed his arms.

Sam rolled his eyes to Steve, “he won't do the thing!”

“Steve get your friend”

“He's more your friend than mine these days pal,” Steve chuckled.

“Here she comes… you should see how she reacts to it, you'd understand me Steve, this one here is just an idiot.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes as Steve shrugged, shook his head and raised his hands in classic ‘I don't know’ fashion. “fine-” he bit out, stepping out between them and tipping his head down and looking up at you.

Today couldn't get worse. Today everything was wrong. Today every file that was sent to you was backwards or upside down, some were even corrupted and Tony thought it was the funniest shit, as if you could be any later now you had to do a quick debriefing of the three stooges that were currently coming back in from a mission and really as if you didn't get enough shoved on your plate– wonderful, you perked up realizing the three were right there, together, you could get it done in five minutes as long as you heckled them.

You could just stare at Steve or Sam. They were good, wholesome, wonderful guys that were not the sergeant. Not that Bucky wasn't wholesome or handsome– actually he was very handsome, distractingly so, especially when he smiled, or put his hand through his hair, or just breathed in your general vicinity.

Speaking of the Sergeant you saw him step forwards and meet your gaze, head dropping, hair shifting forwards to frame his face, lips pressed down and bright blue eyes focused on you.

Your brain flat lined.

Y/N stopped in her tracks, her determined steps halting, Bucky cocked his head to the side and was surprised when she did an abrupt about face and practically RAN back in the direction she had come from. He shoved a hand into his face.

Great, now you were scared of him, as if he didn't have enough trouble figuring out what to say to you. Now you wouldn't show your face around him.

Steve guffawed, bringing Bucky back out of his depressed thoughts. “Good gawd Buck, I forgot the effect you had on a woman.”

“What?!” He demanded, “she ran out of here in fear for her life!” Sam cracked, a howl of laughter spilling forth, Bucky clenched his fists, “you think that's funny?”

Sam clapped a hand on his shoulder, “that wasn't fear man! That girl wants you, she wants you real bad.”

Bucky jerked back, blinking hard. “No.”

Steve nodded as he looked over at him. “That wasn't fear pal, that was panic, I can tell you this much – Y/N is quiet because when she does speak she can't keep her mouth in check, which usually tends to land her in hot water.”

Bucky turned to Sam, who was wiping away a few tears, “she has literally called us both hot, but said there was no way she would date us.”

“But when I asked her for her opinion on you–” Steve laughed, but sobered and leveled a look at him, “buddy, ya need to talk to her.”

“It was pretty colorful,” Sam murmured

“What did she say?” Bucky asked.

Sam shook his head, looking over at Steve, “did you see the way she shivered at the look?”

Steve nodded laughing as he moved around Bucky, “makes you realize what she said had to be true.”

Sam gasped as the two continued to walk, “Y/N! She really is full of surprises! Scandalous!!!”

“WHAT DID SHE SAY?!” Bucky cried following the two.

#the Look #james bucky barnes #quick fic #sam wilson #steve Rogers #reader

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im-a-simp-for-my-ships · 5 months ago

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I'm so angry, so upset I can hardly think straight. I'd been staying away from the news for a while now because I couldn't take listening to what that tangerine and his cronies were doing next.

And after thinking I'm strong enough to see what I've missed, I hear that the Supreme Court, the right hand of that shitbag in an orange skinsuit, has given the Jan 6th insurrectionists the win they wanted, have overturned YET ANOTHER long standing precedent that now gives the judiciary a giant fucking knife to gut any and all regulations that go against special interests, because they can, AND has now said fuck you to the homeless and have upheld the ban to keep them from sleeping outside even though it's more often their only fucking option when there's no fucking services to give them the help they need.

I'm so angry, so scared, I can't think straight. My heart is in my throat and I'm fucking terrified that with all these assholes telling people not to vote and to throw their vote away because both parties are bad, that it's gonna get A LOT worse come November. If fucking trump gets back into the white house, that's it. The Supreme Court is already unhinged because of what he did during his first 4 years. I'm horrified to think how much worse it can get.

They came for roe v wade. They came for affirmative action. They've made the judiciary into a hammer to break anything they don't like in their way. The majority of the court hates women, people of color, lgbtq+, the poor, and they're gonna come after every one of us just because they can.

Anyone who says both parties are the same?? You can all fuck off into a fucking lava pit. I loathe every single one of you who incite people not to vote because they need to have picture perfect fucking candidate that fits EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THEIR IDEALS and refuse to compromise to the detriment of the rest of the country.

This is YOUR fault we're where we are. It's YOUR fault that Hillary wasn't voted president, and we got that fucking grease stain for 4 fucking years, that gave us the supreme court we have now, who's tearing up our rights with every ruling. It's YOUR fault that roe v wade was lost, and that women's bodies, which have always been fair game in red states, are now in even more danger than ever. That handmaidens tale universe is getting closer to being a reality with all the shit you dumbass fucks have pulled.

And now you want to continue with your fucking misinformation and encouraging people not to vote because what, because you think your cause is more righteous than everyone else's? You think someone can't condemn what's happening in Gaza what's happening with Palestinians and still vote blue??? You think if I don't want to hand over control of my body to the government, if I don't want to lose my right to vote, to not worry that they'll be coming after me if I'm lgbtq or a minority or anything they don't view as deserving of basic human rights, that I should be like you??? And toss this country into hands that want to take all that away??? Do you really think not voting for biden or any other democrat is gonna help Palestinians??? Really?? Are you that. FUCKING. DUMB???!! I want to shake every single one of you to wake the fuck up because you'll do nothing but make it easier for the Supreme court to keep doing what it's doing, for the party that hates anything not white, not rich, not straight unless it benefits them, to get stronger and stronger until all of us that don't think like them are crushed like fucking ants under their boots.

So fuck you to anyone who spread lies, who tells others not to vote, that a vote for democrats is a vote for genocide, because you know what? You're slowly helping to kill your friends, families, and yes strangers, because of your inaction. You're helping to put people in power that don't give ONE FUCK about Palestine. Don't give ONE FUCK about anything but turning this country into their own personal fucking playground where they can do whatever they want, with impunity.

VOTE FUCKING BLUE PEOPLE VOTE LIKE YOUR LIFE IS ON THE LINE---BECAUSE IT IS.

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punsmaster69 · 10 months ago

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5/JAN/20XX

well. it's his, but somehow i woke up with that stuffed bear on my bed.

he must've forgotten to get it.

also on the end of my bed was papyrus, but he got up sometime before me.

last night he wanted me to read to him, but also wanted for me to rest.

so he ended up falling asleep on the end of my bed.

thought about waking him, but he looked peaceful. (at first.) ended up tossin' my blanket over him instead.

but. it's on me now, so i suppose it was returned before long.

——

papyrus looked out the window and slowly sipped from his cup. coffee, for once.

i'd have asked what changed, but he's not very good at pretending to sleep. his restless inability to stay still after waking up in the middle of the night told me all i needed to know.

won't tell him that he kept me up as well.

"mornin'."

i stepped up to the window beside him.

"GOOD MORNING."

he did a double take when he looked at me.

"ONE OF YOUR EYES ARE BACK ON!"

"oh. sick."

rain patters against the window.

i can't stop my attention from following one droplet in particular, comparing it to the speed of the others as if they were racing.

"IT FEELS LIKE..."

"EVERY TIME AFTER SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU, IT RAINS."

"just lucky, i guess."

"ARE WE SURE YOU'RE NOT ALLERGIC TO POOR ONCOMING WEATHER CONDITIONS?"

"that would be kinda rad."

"HOW IS THAT 'RAD'?"

"think about it."

"i'd make a killing as a weatherman."

"assuming the weather allergen didn't kill me first."

"YOU SUDDENLY COLLAPSE AND THEY JUST GO, 'OH, SANS IS DOWN. IT'S GONNA STORM TOMORROW.' "

"if it works it works."

i poured myself a coffee too, and pulled a chair up to the window. papyrus did the same, and we watched together as the rain took away what last bit of snow was still left.

"WE DIDN'T HAVE NEARLY ENOUGH TIME THIS YEAR."

"with the snow?"

"YEAH."

"at least it did snow at all."

"I MISS IT ALREADY."

"we can always revisit snowdin."

"IT'S DIFFERENT ON THE SURFACE."

"UP HERE IS SNOW THAT GLITTERS BEAUTIFULLY IN THE SUN; SNOW THAT VARIES IN CONSISTENCY FROM TIME TO TIME..."

"THAT'S THE KIND OF SNOW I WANT!!"

"i could point a flashlight at the at the stuff in snowdin. or throw some sparkles on it. might glitter then."

"NO..."

"and i could bring a hair dryer, to melt the snow a little of it so the texture's different."

"THAT'S JUST ENTIRELY WRONG."

"I DON'T WANT 𝙎𝙇𝙐𝙎𝙃."

"but it 𝘪𝘴 a different consistency."

"I DON'T WANT 𝗧𝗛𝗔𝗧 KIND OF DIFFERENT."

"i don't 𝘴𝘯𝘰𝘸 what you mean then."

"DIFFERENT LIKE BETWEEN PACKING SNOW AND POWERED SNOW, I MEAN."

"......"

"wow. my brother is a snow expert."

"EXPERT??"

"snow 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘶𝘳."

"HMMM..."

"I 𝘈𝘔 A CONNOISSEUR AT EVERYTHING, SO IT MUST BE TRUE."

"must be."

"DOES THIS MEAN I'LL HAVE TO START BEING PARTICULARLY PICKY ABOUT SNOW?"

"one is not given the connoisseur title for their accepting of just any old snow."

"THEN IN FUTURE, LEAVE IT TO MY DISCERNING EYESOCKETS TO IDENTIFY THE BEST SNOW!"

"i trust your sockets."

"....."

"with everything lately, i can't say i really trust my own."

"YOU'VE GOT A LIGHT BACK. THAT'S PROGRESS!"

"but i can't use powerful magic or i'll lose it again."

"THAT... IT'LL JUST TAKE TIME, I'M SURE."

"ONCE YOUR EYE HEALS, I'M CERTAIN IT'LL GO BACK EXACTLY TO THE WAY IT WAS!"

"and if it doesn't..."

"WE'LL JUST HAVE TO COME UP WITH REALLY COOL FORMATIONS FOR YOUR REGULAR ATTACKS!"

he gave a bright smile.

papyrus' optimism made me feel a little better.

"HOW IS YOUR VISION DOING?"

"could be better."

"could be worse."

"IS IT STILL FUZZY?"

"from a distance."

"CAN YOU SEE ME RIGHT NOW?"

"yep."

"i can see the whipped cream on your face too."

"AH-?"

"WHOOPS."

"DO YOU WANT SOME IN YOUR COFFEE, TOO?"

"ehhh.."

"sure."

"why not?"

whipped cream mustaches sounded fun.

#undertale #journal #sans #papyrus #sans and papyrus #papyrus and sans #skelebros

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blacksurvivalnostalgichanges · 4 months ago

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my opinion on whether these characters bathe

Adela: she'd have good hygiene. minimum of once a day. for some reason i feel really, really confident on this. adela's just someone who seems clean

Adriana:stinky. wouldnt shower

Aiden:i wrote alex's first, and i think since the european part doesn't apply then i'm going with the second one and saying he probably showers before going out minimum

Alex:could go any way. you can argue "european from a cold country = not as much showering, more skewed to just wearing deodorant or perfume" or "theres no way a secret agent can afford to be stimky" and i would agree with both those options equally

Arda:the aspect of being depressed and a workaholic that nobody likes remembering is that you're not gonna be showering regularly. im sorry

Aya:normal amount of baths. whatever that is

Barbara:she's stinky. you can't convince me otherwise on this. she's stinky. it's not like she NEVER SHOWERS but i'd bet she's like "ehh once or twice a week is plenty"

Bernice:you look me in the proverbial eye and tell me he showers.

Bianca:i actually think she showers. why am i shocked at this. i think she showers though. the sort to say that if you don't shower before going to bed you feel worse. don't know if i'd go far enough to say twice a day though

Camilo:every time he goes out, minimum. he wouldn't be attractive if he stunk and i bet you could argue the strange self confidence stretches to. uh

Cathy:canonically showers a fucking lot

Celine:does not strike me as somebody who showers often. i think her ass can go a week without showering and not even think about it

Chiara: i think her self loathing has to stretch into baths. she probably showers at least sort of rarely, and when she does it's in the dark. she keeps her head down when she's brushing her teeth to not see herself in the mirror

Chloe:the ones i keep putting off because i'm not sure are the ones that probably default to "whatever the normal amount is". chloe showers whatever the normal amount is

Daniel:you know, i've heard secondhand so much advice on how to manage washing your hair. and you'd THINK this would help. it doesn't. because half the advice is "wash every day", the other half is "don't wash that often", and the one thing both of those agree on is "don't use scalding hot water, but don't use cold water either, both aren't a good idea, do warm water". the vibe i get is that he still showers semi often though

Echion:14 in 1 shampoo that smells like motor oil, like magnus

Elena:i think she'd only shower and not ever want a bathtub bath. because of trauma. idk i happened to be writing a bit in the fanfic that included her backstory and i actually sort of appreciate her after that. but what matters is that i think she showers twice a day

Eleven:she HAS to be the sort to shower twice a day. source:she's rich and for some reason that makes me really not buy that she'd bathe less. like. if you aren't bathing every day you're either depressed or poor and minding the water bill. she is neither

Eva:whatever the normal amount is also. i got nothing

Emma:i get the feeling, from the fact that she's a street magician, that she sometimes ends up having to not bathe every day and compensate in other ways. but also im pulling this out of my ass

Felix:i am so unbearably certain he doesn't shower ever day for some reason. i think every other day. i don't think he's at JP levels

Fiora:showers every day. i can't imagine otherwise

Hart:i am so sorry about this opinion for some reason but i can't imagine her showering more than every other day for some reason

Hyejin:showers every day, probably uses a nice flowery soap

Hyunwoo:showers every other day, probably

Isol:i think if we extend the way he feels about school he'd probably be like "i wish i could shower every day". since i dont think his circumstances would let him be very clean

Jackie:stinky. sorry

Jan:can we live in a universe where jan does bathe often. i don't want to imagine what it's like to live in the one where he doesnt. but also i just KNOW he smells so strongly of axe body spray. he needed that campaign going "only spray for as long as you say 'axe'!" but then he started saying AAAAAXE

Jenny:i feel like she showers twice a day. and id extend that she likes bubble baths but doesnt have a bathtub. and that her shampoo and conditioner are those ones that are really cheap and smell a bit "off" but in a particular way. cant figure out how to explain it

Johann:i think every day. before he goes to bed specifically. seems like a night bather

JP:canon stinky

Laura:rule of thumb:if a character is supposed to be attractive and doesn't have any good plot explanation otherwise, they shower at least once a day/before going out

Lenox:i think she doesnt shower that often but i dont like my conclusions on this :(

Leon:twice a day. i once found this soap that smelled like strawberry bubblegum and i think hed love that shit but then cover it up with man's deodorant

Li Dailin:i dont think she cares enough to shower. like. maybe she'd have trouble with getting herself to do it and kick herself over it since she's often like that. she has a slight undercurrent of self pity. but what that would mean is she's stinky

Luke: twice a day bare minimum. maybe more

Magnus:definitely showers shittily and uses one of those 14 in one shampoo for men that looks like motor oil

Mai:she so needs to have a bubble bath at least once every few days or she gets miffed. but in general i think twice a day

Nadine:you look me in the eye and tell me she showers

Nathapon: the logistics of him showering sound difficult and he seems like someone who lives life in a "bare minimum required to function well" way (like, someone that sleeps 8 hours entirely because he'll be tired otherwise. someone who puts veg in their plate so he doesn't die of scurvy but doesn't care either way aside from that) so he'd shower when he's getting sweaty but not make a habit of it

Nicky:im so sorry but she has the vibe of someone who doesn't shower as frequently as she should and is ashamed of it to me. maybe it's because depression adhd uncleanliness recognizes other uncleanlinesses. words that definitely dont exist. but sorry. i dont think im wrong though

Rio:now. as someone who's also really autistic. i struggle with keeping routines straight, but i also need them. and one thing that works well for me is basically what i call if-else chains but in my mind. like. before i go to bed, i always brush my teeth. once i got used to it i always did it, never forget it. what i'm saying is that she was taught as a kid to shower every day before bed or after waking up or whatever and now she can't break it

Rosalio:you look me in the eye and tell me he showers often. i KNOW he puts on deodorant after he sweats to cover it up but then he just smells pungently bad

Rozzi:i think she'd shower once a day after getting home or before going to bed. she isnt in a situation as precarious as isol as far as we know so i'm not accounting for it

Shoichi:i know his ass showers every day and wears loud men's perfume. this bitch definitely mastered the placement of the spritzes but acts like he doesnt put effort into it

Silvia:you look me in the eye and tell me this woman showers.

Sissela:imagining how she'd feel about hygiene makes me very sad. i get the feeling she'd hate showering

Sua:see laura's rule of thumb. none of her skins aren't babygirlified. she by nature can't smell bad. but i think she'd like that one perfume that smells like a new book

Tia:so here's the thing. it is very hard to not get your hands dirty while painting. and i myself end up being way more messy than the normal person because i Don't Care. and that makes me think she showers before going to bed because she has to make sure none of the paint is on her skin

William:he showers before going out. strikes me as the sort to sleep wearing his outside clothes

Xiukai:now. i do think he'd have good cleanliness in the kitchen. but that does not equal taking regular baths. but also he doesn't seem like he'd be UNCLEAN. so my gut feeling is baths every other day? baths every day in hot weather?

Yuki:he strikes me as someone who has a need to smell good and look good. like, two baths a day, shampoo and conditioner that smell a specific way, skin moisturizer afterwards. not in a vain way like camilo, but because he has this thing with looking perfect. which does mean. wearing charcoal masks with the girlies i just got that image and i love it

Zahir:canonically well-groomed. probably does bathe at least a good twice a day

#i saw a post mentioning a wish to do this and i dont think i did it but thats funny #black survival game #black survival #eternal return

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be-with-me-so-happily · 2 years ago

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Chapter 2

Series Summary: Gemma is definitely Cassidy James' favourite Styles family member, considering they are best friends and all. And especially considering that Harry Styles is Gemma's smug and self-centered younger brother. Her life isn't perfect, and neither is she, but she hates how everyone thinks Harry is. Because she knows that's not the case.

Chapter Summary: As Harry's show continues, so do the flashbacks that keep bombarding Cassidy with each song.

Chapter Warnings: Some explicit language, mention of drinking, anxiety attack, Robin Twist passing away & funeral reception

[ present - Dec 2019 ]

Cassidy doesn't like to admit that Harry's songs are really good. She also doesn't like that she can't help herself from dancing to them. And what she hates even more is when Harry catches her doing it. Especially when it causes a smirk to appear on his face.

He's sung two songs already, and is now performing 'Adore You'. It's good. Too good. And it's so fun, which is why she starts to move around with Gemma as soon as the rhythmic bass of the intro begins to play.

"Walking your rainbow paradise…"

His quick glance up is the first moment he's looked at her. At least, it's the first time she has allowed direct contact, because she did not want to give him that during 'Watermelon Sugar'. She's not dumb, she knows what that song is about. And giving him her attention during that one just wasn't going to happen.

"Walk through fire for you, just let me adore you."

He looks up again, a quick glance up, a concentrated furrow in his brow under the bright lights. The thought crosses her mind that maybe he can't see her. That would be nice, considering she wouldn't be personally feeding his ego by being in attendance.

With the hope that she is hidden from Harry's view, she begins to bounce along to the song more vibrantly. It's almost unavoidable, and as much as it annoys her, she can't hold back from moving to the beat.

It's a fun song, and she may as well attempt to have some fun while she's there, considering she'd rather be anywhere else.

"Just let me adore you… oh honey!"

Again he glances up, this time forming a smirk on his lips as he notices her dancing, and performing a little imitation of her moves from the stage.

A little frustration appears from being seen dancing, but more so from the fact that she just blushed from that mild moment of attention she received, and the smile it produced from him. That frustration grows as she realizes she once again fell for the charm, even if for a second, and once again fed his ego. So her movements halt.

"Walk through fire for you… sing!" He points his mic to the crowd, and of course they obey.

"Just let me adore you!"

She rolls her eyes, keeping her lips tight as everyone else chants it out, wondering if this song is actually from his perspective or something he wants to hear from others. He knows he's adored, but he still wants to hear it.

Typical Harry.

He wants everyone to love him, and they do. He wants people to be there for him, and they are. Just like back in his One Direction days, except this is worse, because it actually is all about him. Just how he likes it. Just how he expects it.

[ flashback - Jan 2016 ]

Cassidy has no reason to be shocked by the article Roxie had placed in front of her that day at the office, two weeks ago.

She knew exactly what was going to happen on that yacht trip. Exactly. She would say she's dumb to think any different, but that wasn't even the case, because she didn't. She didn't think any other scenario would play out.

So it's baffling to her that she is sitting on her bed, still staring at the photos plastered all over social media, feeling a twinge in her heart at the sight of Kendall Jenner's body pressed down against Harry's bare chest. She's baffled by the knot forming in her stomach, as she looks over images of another girl's lips on his, remembering the moments they were soft against her own, as well as the moments they were a bit more ravenous.

She can't be upset. She has no reason to be upset. They had sex twice. Two casual hookups, with a guy she has only ever been annoyed by, do not grant her the right to feel jealous.

So she won't. She doesn't.

To her relief, her phone itself pulls her out of those thoughts with multiple vibrations. She opens up her messages and clicks on the first notification

🗨️ Gemma: hey, r u coming to harry's bday thing tonight?

She loves her best friend, but sometimes she's clueless. Granted, she doesn't know about the activities that Harry and Cassidy have partaken in, but she can only remember one birthday party of Harry's that she attended since he auditioned on X-Factor. She didn't even attend all of them during the time before that. Why would she do that now?

🗨️ Cassidy: wasn't planning on it

She closes that message, knowing full well that Gemma will potentially send her a response of protest soon, and takes the moment to open up the other new one waiting for her attention.

🗨️ Nathan: hey cassidy, i'm back in london this weekend. wanna meet up?

That one she will wait on. She had a fun time with Nathan on New Year's Eve. He was hot, charming in his own way, and made her laugh a lot that night. Granted, she was a bit drunk, trying to convince herself it was only because of the celebration and not to forget certain interactions on the other most recent holiday. But, either way, he was good company and did happen to be her kiss when the countdown ended that night. A good kiss.

She was grateful, that time, that she shared a hotel room with her friends. She told them she didn't want any drunken hookups that she could regret in the morning, clearly learning from the secret rendezvous she had with a certain someone.

So, even though emotions were high, alcohol was coursing through her veins, and hormones were raging, her friends made sure she went back to the room with them at the end of the party.

That's not to say that his question to hang out won't be answered, and it's not necessarily something she will decline, but this moment, with thoughts of Harry and a supermodel curled up on a yacht flooding her brain, it's not the time to respond.

•••

With her sweats and jumper on, an order of her favorite Chinese food delivered, and 'The Princess Bride' playing on the television, Cassidy begins to enjoy her relaxing night alone.

Her dad is out of town on a business trip, and her mum has taken a graveyard shift at the old folks home. These nights are rare for her, and she is going to take advantage of every moment of peace this situation can bring.

As she takes a bite of orange chicken, her phone begins to buzz. She pauses the movie and picks it up, seeing Gemma's name appear.

"Hey! Is the party over already?" She chuckles, mildly amused that the birthday dinner of her nemesis could have ended so quickly.

"No. It's not." She hears in a stern reply, but not from the voice of her best friend.

"Ummm… Harry?"

"Oh! You… you remember me? And… you remember it's my birthday party?"

"Yeah…" She replies, confusion filling every inch of her mind.

"So why didn't you come then?"

"I… umm… what?"

"Just thought you'd… thought you'd come."

Why would she go? Why in the world would she go? It's not as if she's been to every birthday celebration before tonight. It's not as if they are even that close, or even friends.

But the stutter of his words clues her in to the fact that while the party isn't over, it has definitely been in full swing. There's no doubt that he's had a few drinks. And as much as her instincts tell her to roll her eyes, or argue with him, she knows it's pointless to do any of that when he's drunk.

"I'm sorry, Harry."

"I just… thought you'd come." He repeats, the sadness in his tone sounding sincere enough to give her heart a little tug. Minimally. "Wanted you to come."

"I'm sorry, Harry." She repeats this time, feeling the tug a little stronger at his admission of wanting her there, even if it is an inebriated confession. "Get back to having fun, yeah?"

She picks up on a subtle sigh on the other end of the line, followed quickly by nearby shouting of his name.

"Harry, what the hell are you doing?" She hears in the background.

"Sorry! Sorry!"

"Give me my phone back!"

Cassidy chuckles, understanding that Harry has been caught by Gemma, who apparently didn't realize that he had taken her phone for this conversation.

"What the-? CJ?" Gemma chuckles in surprise at who Harry was on the phone with. She's not the only one a little shocked by the random call. "That idiot. He had asked if you were coming. I didn't think he'd become a thief and call you. Sorry 'bout that."

"It's fine." Cassidy replies, unsure how to feel about his desire and attempt to see her, or at least talk to her. "I'm guessing it's going well?"

"For him, yeah." She responds, chuckling and exhaling a sigh in the same breath. "He's getting a little wild, so I'm babysitting now."

"Oh boy."

"He's tried to take his shirt off twice already!"

She doesn't say anything for a moment, regretting not going solely for the possibility of getting another glimpse of his bare upper body.

"Shit." Gemma states. "He's slumped over some random girl. I better go."

That's something she's glad she isn't seeing, and it's part of the reason she didn't go. Not that she'd be jealous, she has no reason to be jealous, but she doesn't need to be there watching him try to charm his way into someone else's pants. It's just annoying. No, the reason is she doesn't want to be that girl. Especially with Gemma there. That just wouldn't end well.

Not that she would be that girl. Not that he'd pick her. Not again.

"Alright. Talk later." She quickly replies, hanging up as she hears her friend yell out Harry's name once more.

She sets her phone down beside her, grabbing her food container again, and taking another bite. A giggle of disbelief comes out, followed by frustration, which is always the emotion she feels related to Harry.

What is his deal? They hook up, he goes back to his popstar life, they hook up again, have a very confusing Christmas, and he has a romantic rendezvous with his famous supermodel 'friend'. But then he calls her, seemingly upset that she didn't attend his little birthday dinner?

Does he think that since now they've had sex, she will forget all the torture he put her through during their childhood? Does he think that now she is just going to fawn over him like every other girl he meets? Does he think he has some kind of hold on her, that all she wants is him?

If he does, he needs to get over himself. Doubtful that'll happen, but she's not going to give that to him. And she's not going to let this consume her night.

[ present - Dec 2019 ]

After watching and listening to Harry perform 'Falling', Cassidy is ready for another upbeat song. That one brought up too many emotions, and she knows it's not even about her. That song is about someone he really and truly cared about. Plus, there wouldn't be one about her anyway.

A fun little riff on the guitar starts to play, and there's hope this one is a bit more bouncy.

"Don't blame me for falling, I was just a little boy."

Immature. Sounds right. She knows she's being mean, even though it's only internally, but she can't seem to help it. It's been a long time, sure, and there wasn't much between them, but it still gets to her. Everything about him just gets to her.

"And I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch, who can't admit when he's sorry."

Funny, and true. She's definitely thought that for a long time, and is pretty sure she may have said it to him once.

[ flashback - Jan 2016 ]

Cassidy didn't even realize she fell asleep on the couch until her mum called, saying her shift is over and she'll bring home some breakfast.

A knock on the door surprises her a little, not expecting her mum to be back so soon.

"Need help, Mum?" She shouts towards the front door, as she makes her way closer.

"Umm… no, it's… it's Harry."

She stops in her tracks, even more surprised than she was when she thought her mum had come home in record time. She looks over her outfit, knowing there's no time to change, but quickly throws her hair up in a bun before opening the door.

"Hi." He simply states, a small but shy smile already on his face.

"Hi…" She responds, her tone soaked in confusion. "What are you doing here?"

He looks around outside, potentially making sure no one was around to see, or capture through a camera, the interaction between them.

"Can we chat?"

"Sure." She opens the door to let him in, watching him walk through the doorway as she realizes she can't remember a time when he's been there. Gemma has been there a few times, but Cassidy usually refrains from having people over. So she's sure Harry's never been there. It's not the most comforting environment. Hell, she doesn't even like being there herself.

Although, this moment feels a little different. She isn't sure if it's due to the lack of presence of the drunken prick she calls her father, the relaxation she was able to have the night before, or Harry's sudden presence, but she feels more peaceful than she thought she would while having him step inside her home.

"So, what's up?" She mumbles, walking behind him into the living room.

He stops and swivels around, a subtle furrow displayed between his brows.

"I didn't mean to call you last night. That was stupid. I was drunk." He states with an unreadable tone to his words.

"Oh. Right, I figured." She gives him a smile, reassuring him that his actions were fine and attempting to break the awkward tension she is suddenly feeling. "No problem."

"But… umm… why didn't you come?"

"What? To your dinner?" She asks, taken aback by the fact that despite his unintentional call, he was still questioning her lack of attendance.

He simply nods.

"I didn't realize you wanted me there."

"I invited you." His arms cross over his chest, and the awkward tension builds. So much for there being peace in the home. But that's the true nature of that house. That's its default setting.

"I've never gone to one of your birthday parties. Wasn't a big deal before." She chuckles. "I didn't think this year was any different."

"F'course it's different!" He instantly retorted.

"Why, because we fucked twice?" The words spilled out, unintentionally harsh. Unintentionally spoken in the first place. She regrets it, but it's also a fair response, and she feels justified for the questions swirling through her head the night before, because he clearly does think she'll forget the past, that she'll fawn over him, that he has some sort of hold on her. But his wide-eyed reaction produces a bit of guilt to begin to creep in.

"Well, sort of-... not just-... no, because we're friends."

"Friends?" She begins to laugh. His statements are getting more ridiculous by the minute. "Harry, we've never been friends."

"Harsh."

"But true." She quickly adds. "I'm Gemma's friend. All we've done is… is pester each other. Our whole childhood."

"Again, harsh. I was just a boy. I figured you'd see me in a different light at this point…" He mutters, clearly his throat as he runs his fingers through his annoyingly perfect locks. "So, we hook up and nothing's changed for you? That's fucking rubbish."

"Are you bloody joking? Have things changed for you?"

"Yes."

"What then? What's changed for you?"

"I…" He brings his pointer finger and thumb to his bottom lip, beginning to mindlessly pull on it as his brow furrows again. There's anger apparent on his face. "I like talking to you. I like hanging out with you."

"Okay…"

"I like kissing you. Your lips." He states, and her breath hitches as he takes long strides towards her. His penetrating gaze, accompanied with his sultry scent, sends shivers down her spine and a blush to her cheeks. "Sort of miss them, if I'm honest..."

But the good feelings are then also accompanied by irritation. She cannot let him have a hold on her. She cannot keep reacting this way just because he is close. She cannot fall for his charm, or his wit, because it's just a game to him. It's just a trick to get her to cave to him. She cannot be yet another girl he can use when he needs to and forget when he doesn't. He's already done that to her.

"Is that why I haven't heard from you since Christmas?"

"I was away-"

"Right, on the yacht. And is that why you were kissing Kendall Jenner? Because you 'missed my lips'…?"

He goes silent and his body stiffens. She can just make out how his breathing becomes a degree more shallow than before, seeing his nostrils flare slightly with each exhale.

"That's not fair." He mumbles, and his gaze drops to the floor. "You went out with that Nathan guy…"

"I went to a party."

"You can't really blame me for thinking it was more. He wanted to see you again, after he was basically eye-fucking you at that after party."

"So what if he was?"

The entire conversation has escalated so quickly, that Cassidy is almost having a hard time catching her breath. Her mind is racing so fast that it can't even begin to process what's happening, what they're talking about, what he means behind everything he says, because at this point it has gone beyond confusing.

"I just didn't like it."

"Didn't like the competition?"

"He wasn't competition." He replies so smugly, even without his usual dimpled smirk.

"God you're cocky." She scoffs, his aggravating ego reappearing effortlessly as it always does. "I could've left with him, you know."

"But you didn't!" He raises his voice, his jaw clenching as his eyes burn into hers, causing her to take a step back. "You left with me! You had sex with me!"

"I was drunk." She mumbles back. It was the alcohol, she still blames the alcohol.

"You weren't drunk the second time, Cass. You can't tell me you didn't want it the second time."

"You arrogant son of a bitch! This is so fucking stupid. What are we even arguing about? Yeah, we had sex. That was all. It's not like we are gonna be more… like we want to be more…"

His entire body straightens up and he steps back. His jaw drops open but he immediately closes it. They stand there in silence, except for a few panted breaths from each of them.

"You're right." He clears his throat, dropping his gaze downward. "This is stupid."

More silence. Her body begins to ready itself for fight or flight mode again, she can feel it coming on, and her breathing becomes even more shallow. She tries to take a deep breath, desperately hoping she doesn't have a panic attack, in front of him, yet again.

His eyes shoot up to hers, and that unfamiliar concern he showed the last time appears again in his expression. That is the exact opposite of what she wants right now, so she draws in a breath that finally, and thankfully, starts to calm her down.

"Can we… can we at least hang out?" Harry asks, his tone even, most likely not wanting to trigger anything for her.

"Why do you even want to be friends?"

"Why don't you want to? What's your reason?"

Because it's complicated. Because she's confused. Because being friends won't help to clear those things up for her. Because she's afraid she can't keep composed around him anymore and that's dangerous, because he's her best friend's brother. Because he's Harry Styles.

"We've never been friends. We've never hung out. I just don't see the point in starting now."

"Stop being so stubborn, CJ!"

"Don't call me that."

"Stubborn? But you are!"

"No. Don't call me 'CJ' again. We aren't friends."

"Bloody hell, you're so fucking infuriating! Fine. We aren't friends. We aren't anything." He pinches the bridge of his nose, shaking his head, and begins to make his way to the front door. "I'm almost starting to regret what we did. You should've just hooked up with that Nathan guy. Would've saved me… us… all this… trouble."

"I definitely regret it." She immediately replies, not entirely sure why she said it, because she's not entirely sure it's the truth. As complex as it has made things, she can't deny that it was good. That it was exciting. That it was potentially the best she's had. "I… I mean-"

"Don't. I know you mean it." His eyes narrow and the glare sends a sharp shiver down her spine. That look, more than any other, is not one she has seen from him. Not ever. Not directed at her. "You're stubborn and I'm exhausted. This is it, yeah? Won't have to see me again."

"Good. Get out." She states sternly.

He turns to the door and grabs the handle, letting out what sounds to be a disappointed sigh, and tilting his head down to the ground.

Cassidy opens her mouth to tell him to leave again, but is stopped as he swiftly turns around, grabbing her face and pressing his lips firmly against hers. There's no movement, just him against her, and she opens her eyes to see his squeezed shut. Her hands softly grip onto his Rolling Stones t-shirt, intending on separating them, and a subtle, sad whimper is drawn out from him. He pushes her back just as quickly as he had pulled her in, and takes less than a second to stare into her eyes before swinging the door open and slamming it shut.

She stands there, frozen in place, only able to pick out a single thought, or question, that's whirling around in her mind.

What just happened?

What the hell just happened?

She doesn't even have time to process anything, as the door slowly opens back up. Her chest tightens and her breath hitches, but she's met with the tired, yet cheerful face of her mum.

"Hello, darling!" She greets her daughter. "Was that Harry I saw driving away?"

Cassidy's throat becomes dry and she tries to swallow the lump that's wedged itself there.

"Y-yes. It was."

"He's such a sweet boy." Her mum replies, walking past and placing bags of food on the kitchen counter.

But Cassidy continues to stare at the front door.

"I always thought he was keen on you." Her mum adds, fully snapping Cassidy out of her bewildered trance. "And maybe you were keen on him, too."

"Absolutely not!" She replies. Anger begins to boil up inside, and truthfully she isn't even sure why. She still hasn't had time to dissect whatever it was that just occured between the two of them. But, at this moment, she also doesn't want to. She wants something to distract herself. She opens her phone to her messages.

🗨️ Cassidy: i'm free tonight…

She inhales quickly, not really sure what she's doing, and not wanting to acknowledge that she knows it isn't great, but not really wanting to pause and think about it. She holds her breath as her phone buzzes back.

🗨️ Nathan: pick u up at 7?

🗨️ Cassidy: perfect, it's a date

[ present - Dec 2019 ]

Cassidy is beginning to think she should have listened to the entire 'Fine Line' album, not solely so she could sing and dance more at this show, but also so she can know what to expect next. She only knows three of the songs well enough, and each one was released as a single.

Harry stands in front of the microphone again, squeezing his eyes shut as he begins to strum on his guitar.

She instantly knows it'll be an emotional song. As if this night and all the memories it's bringing back isn't enough, these types of songs seem to be getting to her tonight.

"Put a price on emotion, I'm looking for something to buy." He begins, almost causing her to growl as the lyrics seem to be the complete opposite of what she's feeling. It's saying he wants some, and right now she has too much. Ironic.

Already, the corners of her eyes become moist and she wipes it away before tears can fully form. But being there, seeing him, hearing the songs, is all overwhelming. The song itself is sentimental, but something about it is really digging into her soul.

"We'll be a fine line…"

Just like the song from earlier, she knows that this will mean so much to so many people, and in so many different ways. And it's true for her too. Not just for one specific reason, but for a few.

As that one-line chorus continues, she does what she can to not dwell on it each time it's sung.

"Spreading you open is the only way of knowing you…"

Wait a second. Obviously Cassidy hates arrogance more than anything, and she never wants to make something out of nothing, but those lyrics sound familiar. Like something she's heard before. No, like something that's been said between them before.

Coincidence, right? It's just a coincidence. Common phrases, common experiences. Admittedly, he's good at making every one of his songs feel personal to whomever is listening and that's what has happened here. That's all it is.

"We'll be a fine line…"

He looks up that time, but she knows it couldn't have been to her. He was just glancing up to see his fans, even though the section she is in is only for family and friends. But that's what it is, he's looking for those people. Family and friends. Like Gemma. Whose arm she feels begin to wrap around her own waist and sway them both along to the rhythm of his guitar.

That single line chorus continues as she manages to get her breathing to do as well. Continue. That is, until he pulls away, strumming his guitar for a few chords, and just as he brings his mouth back to the mic, he shoots a quick glance up to her. Unmistakably to her.

"We'll be alright…"

Nope. No she won't.

[ flashback - June 2017 ]

Despite it being Summer, overcast skies perfectly mirror the tone of the day. Not Robin's personality, because he was always such a bright presence to be around, but definitely the feeling of what his passing means to everyone else.

As harsh as it may sound, she assumed she'd be attending the funeral of the other father figure in her life, not that he was much of one though. Her own father was a much more likely candidate for a day like this. Though she actually isn't convinced she'd even attend his.

But today is not about anything except remembering Robin, and being there for Gemma and Anne.

And Harry, she supposes. Though, that will be from a distance if she can help it. It's been over a year since they've seen each other, and so much has happened during that time. She's moved on, not that there was much to move on from to begin with, and has been immersed in her busy life just as he has with his own. However, there's a lingering twinge of something, and she wants to be careful.

"Does anyone need anything?" She asks the family as they stand around in the backyard, occasionally mingling with those who were in attendance at the memorial.

"No thank you, sweetheart." Anne replies, giving a small smile as she squeezes Cassidy's hand. "Do you?"

Her question tightens Cassidy's chest. Not because she does need something, but because Anne never fails to make her feel looked after. And loved. And Robin was the same way.

She shakes her head, quickly wiping a few tears that threaten to fall, and clears her throat. "No, no. I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me… focus on your family."

"CJ…" Anne grabs her shoulders and looks at her with such a motherly love. "You are a part of our family. You always have been. And Robin loved you, sweetheart."

Cassidy pulls her lips inward, dropping her gaze to the floor as she picks at her nails.

"Maybe more than he loved Harry." She chuckles, and their eyes meet again as they both smile, almost in acknowledgement that the joke was potentially one that Robin would make himself. "Speaking of… have you seen him 'round?"

"No." She replies, feeling slightly guilty that she has been avoiding him, but guilty solely for the reason that his mother is asking about his whereabouts. "Do you… want me to look for him?"

She does everything in her power not to show the sudden tension in her body as she awaits an answer.

"No. I'm sure he's charming the hell out of some family member or something."

Or the pants off some girl.

Cassidy feels even more guilty for that thought. She needs to set herself straight.

"Well, I'm going 'round to get some water for myself. If I see him, I'll send him your way." She smiles, giving Anne another hug, which she reminds herself is the main task of the day.

The kitchen is empty, much to her relief, so she gets herself a glass of water and slowly sips on the contents. The quiet is nice, and welcome.

Footsteps get closer and she sighs at only having a short period of time to herself, but is grateful to see her best friend's face when she comes around the corner.

"Hey Gem." She mutters, almost to not disturb the only stress-free place in the house. Maybe not stress-free, but tranquil. No, not tranquil either, but sedated. That's it, sedated.

"Hey. Want something a little stronger?" She asks, pointing to the wine rack, making Cassidy giggle with a nod of her head.

"But only a little. I'm gonna have to leave within the hour to make it back before dinner."

"Right." Her best friend states, leaving a quietness around them.

"It…" Cassidy sighs, not wanting to cause Gemma or herself any heartache by bringing up memories. "Never mind."

Gemma looks up after pouring two glasses of wine, handing one over.

"You can tell me…"

"It feels weird to be in this house now." She replies, wincing at her confession.

"Well, yeah, the last time you were here was when you were-"

"I meant because Robin's… he's not here anymore." Tears begin to fill both of their eyes and Gemma wraps one arm around Cassidy's waist. Their temples lean against each other as they simply stare down at the kitchen counter, down to one of his favourite foods, only the sound of sniffles filling the room.

"I still can't believe they let me stay here for four months. Especially with my situation." She shakes her head, remembering the day she showed up to their house with bags in hand and her heart shattered.

"Your 'situation' was exactly why they let you live here, CJ!" Gemma squeezes her tighter then releases her, grabbing her glass and taking a gulp. "You're like my sister! They've always loved you. We all have."

All Cassidy can do is sigh, and attempt to hold back the flood of tears wanting to stream out, which isn't exactly working well for her.

"They were more than happy to do it." Gemma adds. She kisses her on the cheek and takes her wine glass, walking out to mingle with the other guests, leaving Cassidy alone in her thoughts.

Anne and Robin helped her more than they may ever have known. What Anne says rings in her ears. She is family. Even if Robin wasn't her actual father, he still was one to her. A better one than the one she has. And now she's lost someone from that family. She's lost him.

So much has changed since last year. Actually, everything has changed since last year. And even though she feels somewhat steadier in her life now, the Styles family, for the most part, has always been the stability in her life that she was missing from her own family. Truly, everything has changed since last year.

With the last sips of wine gone, she places her glass on the counter and decides she needs some air. Hopefully it'll clear her mind and take away the dizziness that's suddenly appeared, unrelated to the beverage she just consumed.

She begins to make her way through the house again, nodding politely at those who give her a few kind words. She feels a bit awkward accepting them, since Robin wasn't her actual dad. Yes, he was the closest thing to one that she had, considering her own couldn't care less about her, but her grief feels almost selfish. Yet, with each acknowledgement from a guest, another tear begins to form. She continues maneuvering around everyone, feeling her lungs beg to catch a full breath, as she makes it out to the backyard. Instantly, the noise and sheer presence of so many people has her head spinning, and she knows that she has to find some refuge. Fast.

Shuffling her way against the outside of the house, she walks around to the side, thankful to see that no one is lingering nearby. She takes as many steps as she can manage before pressing her back against the wall and sliding her body down.

Her knees position themselves against her chest, and her arms wrap around them in an attempt to hold herself together. She leans her head backwards and closes her eyes as she attempts to steady her breathing.

"Inhale for ten." She mumbles while she inhales as deeply as she can, which isn't much at this point. "Exhale for ten."

She growls with frustration at her failed attempt to calm herself, which only makes her breathing even faster and more shallow.

"Keep going." She hears close by, and looks over to see Harry kneeling down next to her. "Inhale for ten…"

She would potentially be annoyed that he was there, if she didn't need the help to calm down, and he helps her to regulate her breathing. She's a little surprised it's working considering who it is that's helping her.

"Breathe, Cass. You've got this." He encourages, and she responds with a nod. As odd as it is, he is making her feel a bit more at peace, or at least a bit more physically stable. She sees a subtle smile on his face as she exhales a steadier breath. "There you go."

Cassidy looks at him more directly, seeing that same concern in his eyes, it melting away with every normal breath she takes.

"Better?" He asks softly.

"Better."

"Good. It's a bit overwhelming here, yeah?" He chuckles, looking down at the ground with a shake of his head.

"Yeah." She mutters back, feeling stable, but less at peace, as she fully registers his presence beside her. But she can handle it. It's been long enough. "Thank you… for your help…"

"No problem." He mumbles, imitating her position against the wall.

They sit in silence, both looking out ahead of them, the only noise being the crowds around the corner who are actually engaging in conversation with each other.

She decides that she is steady enough to rejoin everyone, and rubs her legs before placing them on the ground with the intention of pushing herself up.

"How've you been?" Harry asks, stopping her movements as her eyes move over to meet his. That's when she gets a good look at him. A good look at how good he looks.

"Your hair is shorter." She blurts, closing her eyes and scrunching her nose at her inability to keep her thoughts to herself.

He chuckles and runs his fingers through the curls she was just admiring.

"Been like this for 'bout a year now." He responds, bringing his lips inward to hide a smile. Failing. "You didn't know?"

"No." She lies. She knew. It's hard not to hear or see stories and photos about one of the world's most popular megastars. But is she going to give him that satisfaction? No. There was only that one time, on Christmas, when she gave him a compliment like that, and that was too much.

"Hm."

Her gaze drops down as she circles a finger around the top of her knee.

"You didn't answer my question." He adds, causing her to quickly turn back to the man beside her. "How've you been?"

"It's not really the best time to ask, is it? I've been better."

"You know that's not what I mean, Cass."

She sighs. She knows. Although the emotions of today sort of cloud everything else at the moment. But, also, maybe she's using that as an excuse to not share any details of her life. Not only are there so many, but she isn't sure if it's his business to know. If he deserves to know.

"It's been good. Busy."

That should be enough to ease his curiosity.

"Work? Family?"

Apparently that wasn't enough. Nosey bastard.

"Both, yeah." She simply states, trying not to let the growing annoyance overcome her to the point of lashing out. Definitely not today, definitely not there.

"Still at POPSUGAR then?" He inquires, suddenly and subtle scooting a smidge closer towards her.

"Yeah."

"Wow. Riveting."

There it is. The frustration. He sure knows how to push her buttons and bring it out in her. Easily.

"Why is my life such a pressing matter to you?"

"What? We can't have casual conversation?" He rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

"I just don't want to talk about things right now."

His brow furrows, and his lips press firmly together as he takes a deep breath. He turns his body towards hers and his gaze pierces into the side of her head.

"You never want to talk about things, Cass. Apparently not even cordially now. The only time we've ever had a real, normal conversation is that morning after I stayed in your hotel ro-"

"Knock it off, Harry."

"Was having sex the only way I could get to know you?" He growls, in such a deep tone that if this conversation did not have an argumentative context, it would be a major turn on for her.

"I said knock it off!" She immediately stands up, unfortunately seeing Harry do the same. She crosses her arms over her chest and glares.

"All I've tried to do is be in your life... like, be your friend… but, fuck, it's so difficult that I…" He sighs, jostling his hair around and letting fall back into its perfect position, as it always seems to do. Then he looks up at her with a glare. "I almost wish we never met. That you never met Gemma."

As much as he has tormented and teased her, she never thought those words would come out of his mouth. She never thought he actually felt that way about her.

Anger boils over. She feels as if he has no right or reason to be that upset about anything that's happened between them. And if he does, then he didn't have to talk to her, he didn't have to help her, hell, he didn't have to have sex with her.

"I shouldn't have said-"

"But you did." She sighs, her eyes darting behind him, hoping to see a clear path to escape back to the house, which she finds. "Look, we are what we are. Childhood… acquaintances… or whatever. Having sex crossed the line, apparently a very fine line, and now it's made things weird. It was… a mistake… but now we just need to move past it."

"Childhood cquaintances?"

"Harry… come on-"

"No, you 'come on', Cassidy! I'm trying to keep my cool, but you're really testing my patience, because this is so stupid. I don't know why we can't be t-... friends, maybe I'll never know. But… but…" He growls as he stutters and she notices his jaw clenching along with his fist. He takes a deep breath and frowns. "I don't want to fight you on this anymore. I give up. I fold. We both have our own busy lives. So, we'll just go our separate ways and we'll be alright, yeah?"

"Our paths don't even cross anymore. So, yeah, we'll be alright." She responds, a little sarcasm and snark added in there to bite back at him.

She begins to walk around Harry, her heart tight and her head becoming dizzy yet again. But this time it's from emotions.

"I want us to be alright." She hears him whisper, realizing he must have thought she was out of earshot. Then she feels the panic threaten to reappear and quickens the pace of her feet. But as she rounds the corner, she slows down. Despite the words, the confusion, the frustration, she realizes there's also a caring quality she hasn't really thought about with him.

She wants them to be alright too. But they're not. And they are not going to be.

[ present - Dec 2019 ]

'Fine Line' becomes melodic, which signals that it's coming to an end, and Harry blows kisses to the crowd. He looks up to the section where she stands with Gemma and salutes the occupants, making sure to blow a few extra kisses to his sister.

"I need to get going." Cassidy states, her heart beating rapidly.

"Oh, this isn't actually the end. There's an encore." Gemma replies with a smile, leaning in closer in her ear. "He's got some surprises. He's singing 'Juice' by Lizzo."

"Damn it. I love that song. But I do have to go." She replies. "Tomorrow's the last day before the holiday break…"

"Right." Gemma nods and gives her a big hug. She pulls back and looks straight into Cassidy's eyes with a caring yet pleading look. "Are you coming over on Christmas this year?"

"Ummm…" Her eyes quickly flicker over to the stage, no one there to meet her gaze. She hasn't been over to the Styles' house for Christmas since that weird night a few years back. So much has changed since then. Too much to spend time there again, especially a holiday. "I don't know. Probably not, to be honest."

"Okay. I have presents, but I can bring them over another time if someone's okay with waiting…"

Cassidy lets out a little chuckle. Waiting will give her another chance to hang out with her best friend, and a way to avoid any unwanted run-ins with certain others.

"We can wait."

•••

She was expecting to feel a few things last night at Harry's show, she was expecting her boss to assign some sort of piece to write once she found out she had been there, and she was expecting to be quite tired in the morning.

But what Cassidy wasn't expecting was to hear a knock at the front door as she gathers everything to head out of it.

"Shit." She quietly mumbles under her breath, setting down the bags she just had on her shoulders.

She walks over and swings open the door, only to have the wind knocked out of her.

"Harry!" She breathes out. "Ummm… h-hi! What's… what's up?"

He smiles that obnoxious grin, and she realizes it still, after all these years, causes a little tingle in her stomach.

"Hello." He runs his hand through his soft, curly locks. She's able to get a better, closer look at them now. His hair is definitely longer than the previous time she saw him, over two years ago. He's dressed in a hoodie, under a coat, and some sweatpants. A typical and appropriate 'day after a show' outfit for Harry. "I didn't get a chance to say hello, or goodbye, last night."

"Yeah, sorry." She replies, still in shock that he is even standing there, let alone that he had wanted to see and interact with her the night before. "I had to leave early."

"Well, I just… wanted to say thank you for coming."

"Oh." She manages to respond, that inconvenient flustering instantly coming back to her. "You didn't have to come all this way to thank me though."

"Felt better to do it in person." He shrugs, his hands shoved in his pockets, like she's seen him do before, and his gaze occasionally dropping to his feet.

"That's… really nice, Harry. And it was a great show." She admits, giving him a simple smile and receiving one back from him.

A tugging on her coat interrupts the conversation, and Cassidy realizes that in her stunned state, she has forgotten what she was doing, and where she is going.

"M'ready!"

Both Cassidy and Harry's gazes drop down to the toddler standing right beside her.

"I'm sorry, honey. I was just talking to-"

"Hello!" Harry states, crouching down to the eye level of the little girl and putting his hand out to shake hers. "I'm Harry. What's your name?"

"Cece!" She exclaims, a wide grin beaming across her face, and placing her hand into his.

"It's nice to meet you, Cece."

"Y'know Mummy?" She asks, looking between the two adults. Harry looks up to Cassidy, with a mixture of surprise and amusement in his expression, and her chest tightens.

"I do! We are fr-... we've known each other for a very long time."

"Wow!" She replies. "Wanna see Matilda?"

"Who's Matilda?"

"Matilda!" She shouts enthusiastically, running through to the next room and leaving his question unanswered. He lets out a chuckle and stands back up to be face to face with Cassidy.

"Cecelia, we don't have-" She yells back into the house, realizing her attempt to catch her daughter's attention and stop her mission will only fail.

"You're a mum?" Harry asks softly, attracting her gaze again.

"Yeah." She quietly replies.

He crosses one arm around his chest and tugs on his lower lip.

"H-how old is she?"

"She's three." She answers, her heart racing, knowing what he's doing as he stays silent and his brow furrows. He's calculating. "She's… she's not yours."

"Oh." He clears his throat, folding his other arm around his torso and bringing his beautiful green eyes up to meet hers. "F'course."

"I would've told you… if she was."

"Hm." He hums back. "Right, well, I… umm… I will let you get back to things. I just… wanted to thank you for coming last night."

He gives her a small smile, putting his hands in the front pocket of his hoodie, and turning around. He takes a few small steps and something inside Cassidy screams at her to stop him. Why? She has no idea. But she seems to have lost control of herself.

"Harry, wait."

What does she even want to say? She wasn't planning on calling out to him, and now she seems to have lost her logic as he turns around to face her.

"I… umm… it's good to see you." She blurts out.

"You too." He mumbles back.

"Mr. Harry!" Cecilia yells, jogging her little feet to the front door, and stopping there with a sad little pout. "I didn't find Matilda. You didn't meet 'er!"

"That's alright, love." He replies gently, taking a step back towards her, and giving her a big smile. "It was very nice to meet you though!"

"Maybe t'morrow." She responds.

"Oh, umm…"

"Mummy makes peeps on Sat'days!"

"Crepes, honey." Cassidy corrects her. She looks up from her daughter's beaming face to see Harry's wide and expectant expression. "We make crepes on Saturdays."

"Right. Your mummy loves crepes." He tells Cecelia.

"Me too! Me too!" Her daughter bounces up and down. "Mummy, please?"

"Oh. Umm…" Cassidy darts her eyes between her daughter and the man in front of them, unsure how to make the interaction and conversation any less awkward. Cecelia's eyes are so hopeful, and Harry seems to be expressing almost the same emotion. It's almost too much to bear with them unknowingly teaming up.

As her gaze lands and focuses on Harry, she realizes he is staring down at Cecelia with a wide grin, seemingly adoring, and it tugs on her heart so much that she can't hold herself back.

"If he isn't busy…"

His eyes shoot up to her with the most shocked look. The grin he displayed moments ago quickly reappears and he nods.

"I'd love to."

"Yay!" Cecelia squeals. She grabs her little backpack from where her mum had set it down, along with her favourite stuffed animal of the day, and grabs Cassidy's hand. "Okay, Mummy, le's go!"

"Alright, alright." She chuckles. "Grab your water bottle first, yeah?"

She nods, and runs off again, causing Cassidy to shake her head with another chuckle at her daughter's carefree demeanor.

"I don't have to come over. You can tell her I had to work or something." Harry states bluntly, no tension, yet also no confidence, in his tone.

Now it's her turn for a shocked look. She didn't expect any of this to be happening, but for some reason she also didn't expect him to give her an out.

"No, Harry. You're welcome to come."

He pulls his lips inward, like she's seen him do many times before, as he tries to cover up a smile.

"What time should I come by?"

Suddenly, her heart flutters. There it is again. She's charmed for a moment. Her instinct tells her to guard herself, to rescind the offer, and tell him it's best not to come. But she doesn't want to do that to him. No, she doesn't want to do that to her daughter. Her daughter. That's all.

"How about 8am?"

He nods quickly as little trodding of feet can be heard getting closer.

"Sounds great." He bends down. "I'll see you tomorrow morning Cece!"

•••

Cassidy does what she can to keep herself busy, but can't seem to shake the anxiety taking over her as she waits for Harry to arrive. The entire rest of the day before she was in a daze. She couldn't fully focus on her video meeting with the other writers, she barely got any of that work done, and she burned the spaghetti she was making for dinner. Though, Cecelia was more than happy to have chicken nuggets as an alternative.

But this morning it's all clear, and she can fully comprehend what is about to take place. Harry would be there soon. The man who frustrated and annoyed her beyond belief. The man who charmed her then made her out to be a fool. The man who was so persistent on making things way more awkward and complicated than they already were, that man would be there soon. Harry would be in her house. That sacred place she shares with her daughter. He would be there.

"Mummy! The door!" Cecelia yells, snapping her out of all those chaotic thoughts. She walks to the door and opens it up, finding Harry standing there with coffees in hand and a hot chocolate for Cecelia.

"Good morning." He holds up the goodies in his hands. "Hope this is alright…"

"It's… yeah… it's great. Thank you." She steps aside to let him in, her heartbeat thumping in her ears as he steps inside. She leads him to the kitchen where he sets down the drinks.

"She can have hot chocolate, right? I should've asked first, somehow."

"Harry!" Cecelia exclaims as she rushes to his side.

"Hello again." He chuckles, squatting down to her eye level. "How are you?"

"Wanna see Matilda?"

"Now, tell me, who is Matilda?" He asks.

"Our kitty!" She replies.

He looks up at Cassidy as he stands.

"I didn't think you liked cats…" He states, almost inquisitively.

"I liked your mum's cat. I got Matilda after I moved out…" She quickly clears her throat. "...of my parents' house."

He nods and gets pulled by Cecelia down the hallway, giving Cassidy a moment to release the deep breath she didn't know she was holding in.

She turns to her cookware and ingredients, beginning to make the weekend breakfast she is so accustomed to making for two of the three people currently inside her home.

Thankfully, her process is speedy and the crepes are ready within minutes, accompanied with an array of toppings placed along the counter.

"Umm… food is ready…" She states, hearing Harry and Cecelia make their way back to the kitchen.

"...an' I had a brown bunny, but I los' it." She hears her daughter sadly state, seeing her head down as she still holds onto Harry's hand with her little fingers.

"That's terrible." He replies, looking at her with as much compassion as he did when he saw Cassidy in her panicked state, long ago.

"Yeah." She replies, looking up at the counter and licking her lips. "Peeps!"

He chuckles at her sudden turnaround, and squeezes her hand before grabbing a plate.

"Here Cece, take this plate and sit on your chair, please." Cassidy says, motioning her daughter over to the small kitchen table, usually only hosting the two of them.

"I think I met all of her stuffed animals today." Harry states as he places a crepe on his own plate.

"She's…" Cassidy begins, not exactly knowing how to describe her daughter, especially to him.

"She's… adorable." Harry finishes for her, giving her a quick glance and a subtle smile before making his way to the table.

Cassidy takes a moment longer to grab her own food, taking peeks at the two at the table, who anyone would think have known each other for all three of Cecelia's years of life. She is talking his ear off and he is giving her as much attention, if not more, as he gives anyone else he is in conversation with. Admittedly, one of his good qualities, maybe his only one.

•••

Through all the surprisingly casual conversations, a few sessions of Cecelia persuading Harry to color with her, and a cup of tea, she doesn't realize how long Harry's been there until she sees Cecelia yawn and looks at the clock.

"Oh! Cece, it's naptime, honey." She states, hurriedly standing up from the sofa they had made their way to.

"Mummy, no… I don' need a nap…" Cecelia drags out, though the rubbing of her eyes betrays her statement.

"I think you do." Cassidy smiles.

"I wanna stay up!" She argues, looking sleepily towards Harry, as if trying to convince him to be on her side.

"Naps are great! Might need to take one myself when I get home." He smiles at her, pushing himself off the couch to encourage her to do the same. "But I had loads of fun today! Thank you for inviting me!"

"Y'welcome."

He kneels down to shake her hand, but she throws herself, with outstretched arms, into his chest and he instantly wraps his own around her.

She pulls away and reaches for her mum's hand, giving Harry a little wave.

"Buh-bye Harry." She mumbles.

"Goodbye Cece." He replies.

"I'll… umm… I'll just be a few minutes. Sorry." Cassidy states before walking down the hallway.

"No problem."

•••

After quite a few questions from Cecelia, typical toddler stuff, and an attempted negotiation to avoid naptime, she finally falls asleep and Cassidy is free to leave her bedroom.

She walks back to the sofa to see Harry typing on his phone.

"Sorry about that." She expresses, suddenly very aware that it is just the two of them in the room, the atmosphere a lot less giggly and a lot more awkward. At least on her part.

"You don't have to apologize for taking care of your daughter." He reassures her.

"Thank you… for entertaining her. She's definitely a little fireball, that one."

"Just like her mum." Harry quietly chuckles, a tiny smirk slyly appearing on one side of his mouth, with a dimple just barely popping through.

"What?" Cassidy's mouth drops open in faux offense and disbelief.

"Hm. Okay. I would think Cece would be the one who plays pretend…" His smirk deepens and Cassidy finds herself becoming heated with a blush in her cheeks.

A silence falls between them, standing several feet apart, both fidgeting with the fingernails.

"Well, I-" They both state, letting out short laughs at the simultaneous statement.

"I… have to get going. Jeff, my manager, just called me. Gotta get this meeting in before the holidays." Harry states, crossing his arms over his chest. To her, he almost looks as if he's holding himself back from leaving.

"Oh. Right! Of course you're busy." Of course he is, he's Harry Styles. The one she didn't want to complicate things with those few years ago. The one who can, and probably still does, have any girl, anywhere, anytime. The one who said he wished she and Gemma never met, so that he could avoid the uncomfortable situation they had found themselves in.

Why did she let him come over? How did he manage to charm his way into her home and completely change her attitude towards him from the night before?

"But thank you, so much, for… inviting me over. And the crepes. I had a nice time with you. You two. Like, you and Cece." He huffs, running his ringed fingers through his hair.

She allowed herself the slightest moment to acknowledge how cute he looks, how annoyingly cute and sexy he looks at the same time. Things work out too well in his favor and it's really unfair. She hates it. There's a few reasons she does.

"Thank you. For coming over. Cece had a great time." She replies, feeling a lump form in her throat.

"Oh." He sighs, suddenly and slowly moving his way to the front door. "I'm glad."

She follows Harry to the door, her mind racing and feeling her emotions being ripped in two different directions. Everything she has felt towards him so far, with the exception of those two sinfully delicious nights, has been of a negative connotation. All the way up and through the show last night. But this time spent together this morning, watching him be sweet with her daughter, has her feeling so unsure. Of anything. Well, she can be certain that she hates uncertainty. Maybe a little more than she hates Harry. Hated Harry?

"Harry." She finds herself blurting out, right as his hand grasps the door handle, and his head twists to look in her direction. "Ummm… would you… be willing to do, like, one more little interview before the holidays?"

"What?" He asks, his full body turning towards her now. This time, they aren't too far apart, and she can pick up the distinct scent of his cologne. It's still the same. Dark and sultry.

"I know it's a lot to ask…" She mumbles, suddenly feeling a flash of heat come over her, and sweat threatening to run down her neck as she feels the faintest touch of his breath graze her face. "But… my boss knows I went to your show, and wants me to write about it. Well, I just thought maybe-"

"You could get a couple of quotes in?" He finishes her sentence.

She winces, embarrassment flooding over her, not only because she just asked Harry for an interview, but also because she just asked him to help her with her job. Not that she needs the help. So why did she just ask? Nevertheless, it's awkward and rude and he will reject it.

"Sure." He agrees, shocking her to the point of forgetting how to move. She exhales with no sign of an inhale following. Her eyes grow wide and refuse to blink. Her jaw drops open and remains slack as she just stares.

"What?" He chuckles.

Finally some function returns to her and everything resets to normal. She blinks to clear the daze she was in and shakes her head.

"I didn't think you'd agree to it."

"Why not? There's not much I wouldn't do for-... a friend-... well, a childhood acquaintance, I s'pose."

"Right. Yeah. That would be great." She replies, the haziness of surprise still looming over her. "Here. Enter your number and we can coordinate something."

She hands him her phone and her heart stops when he doesn't immediately take it, but rather stares at it instead.

"Oh, shit." She exclaims, slightly dropping her arm down, device still in hand. "You probably don't want your personal phone number out there in the world, with some random journalist-"

"Give it." He states, reaching out to grab the phone from her, and adding his contact information. "You're not someone random, Cass. And you're not just some journalist."

He hands the phone back and meets her gaze. His own expression is one of stern sincerity, which utterly throws her off.

"I sent a text to myself so I have yours, just so I know you're not 'some random journalist'. Hope that's alright." He smirks, his usual, deeply indented, dimpled smirk.

"Yes." She nods. He returns the gesture and opens the door.

"I'll talk to you soon then." He smiles, lingering for a moment longer than necessary, and she swears his eyes flicker down to her lips in the swiftest of motions. "Bye, Cass."

"Bye, Harry." She replies. As he walks away, she closes the door and frowns in confusion. From herself.

Why did she ask to do that? She didn't need an interview with him. Granted, yes, it'll make her article that much more impressive but she would have done a good job on it either way. It's not as if it would be lacking. And why did she get so flustered? Better yet, why did she let him get her that way, again, even after all this time? It's like some magical hypnotizing power that he has. She never wanted to think, or admit, it was there and that it would work on her but it has. And clearly still does.

She needs boundaries. She can't be that girl, definitely not now, definitely not since she has Cece. She needs boundaries. It's all professional. She can get the quotes, write the article, then he will fly off to his next big adventure and her life can go back to normal.

No hookups. No feelings. No complications.

Her phone vibrates in her hand and she opens up her messages when she sees the notification.

🗨️ Harry: good xx

She frowns in confusion at his text, not understanding what he might be responding to until she reads the message he sent to himself from her phone: 'I had a nice time too'

🗨️ Cassidy: you twerp

She rolls her eyes and smiles to herself, immediately letting her thumbs take over.

🗨️ Cassidy: fine… i did. i had a nice time too

If you like what I post, and want to just send some extra support, I have a ko-fi account. Even the smallest amount is greatly appreciated. There is no obligation or expectation to donate, because I am honestly just so grateful that you're here! 💗 Bee xx

Series Masterlist

•••

Overall Taglist: @watermelonsugacry @tw1nflamebruis3 @hopefulwastelandcreation @tenaciousperfectionunknown @that-daydream-look @queenmadi2 @runway-to-my-aid @theekyliepage @be-yourss @harryistheonlyoneforme @b-reads-things @behindmygreyeyes @michellekstyles @a-strange-familiar @yousunshineyoutempter @buckybarnessimpp @little-freak-satellite @msolbesg @sleutherclaw @katiebaxterrrrrr @percysaidnever @thatbitch2828 @mrspeacem1nusone @thurhomish @sushiabby @harrystylesrecs @vickiii17 @itsbebeyyy @divalovesyou @bxbyysstuff @jessitpwk @sunshinemoonsposts @theroosterswife24 @boybands-baseball @austynparksandpizza @missmielyhoran @harryspirate @qualitygiantshoepsychic @tiaamberxx @matildasatellite @fool4him @cherryshouse @yatebe-kohayu @perfectzinenerdperson @babyiamperfectforyou @daphnesutton @around1302 @daydreamingofmatilda @swiftmendeshoran

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she-posts-nerdy-stuff · 6 months ago

Text

Don't Go Blindly Into the Dark

Summary:

To hide that he can't read, Jan Van Eck has been forcing his son to pretend he's blind since he was eight years old. Wylan is now attending Ketterdam University, and meeting Jesper Fahey may very well be about to change his life. But is he safe to tell Jesper the truth? And what will Jesper say if he does?

Jesper is struggling to weigh up his life in the Barrel and his life at the University of Ketterdam, and there's a good chance that his growing debt is about to make the decision for him. He hasn't attended class consecutively for months, but maybe that will change when his newest project includes partnering up with Wylan Van Eck. But can he really leave the Barrel behind him? And how long can he keep up the pretence of who he thinks Wylan wants him to be?

Tags: @justalunaticfangirl @lunarthecorvus

If anyone else would like to be tagged let me know :)

Content warnings for this chapter: blood, wounds, violence, death, grief, loss of a parent, implied sa references/fear of touch due to Inej's trauma

Note: This kinda got really long out of nowhere and I'm not sure when that happened but hey, hope you enjoy :)

AO3 link

Chapter 18 - Jesper

Jesper was barely in time to stop Inej from smacking into the pavement, catching her shoulders and gently laying her the last few inches instead of letting her fall through them. She shuddered as his hand found the wound on her leg, his fingers almost instantly turning wet with blood. He thought he should probably apply pressure to it - even though the knife was still there, protruding from her flesh at an ugly angle, blood was soaking through her trouser leg and dripping onto the ground - but as soon as he made contact she flinched away. The movement elicited a deep groan from the pain, but Inej just shook her head and seemed to be leaning as far away from him as she could manage from where she lay.

“Don’t touch me,” she whispered, closing her eyes for a brief moment.

Jesper began to nod, then paused.

“Is this a… touching-my-leg-makes-it-hurt-more kind of situation, or a don’t-touch-me-at-all kind of situation?”

“Not at all,” she managed, through gritted teeth and a tight breath.

“Okay,” Jesper nodded, shuffling back a little, “Okay,”

But he wasn’t sure what to do now. He had to get her to Nina - no, he had to get her back to the Slat and have Nina come to them. He couldn’t take Inej to the White Rose. He sent Bolliger and Pim running to fetch Nina, and hoped with such fervour it might have been a prayer that he’d be able to get Inej back home in one piece.

He tried to study the cut for a moment and realised it was worse than he’d thought; the wound with the knife handle still visible was only one of several deep, jagged caverns that had been dug into her leg, and around all of them the ripped edges of her trousers bubbling with blood. The lowest was at her knee but the rest were close together in her thigh. He didn’t see her getting back to the Slat without help.

“We’ve got to move,” he said, after a second had passed, “If I just help you up, do you think you can walk alone?”

“You came back,” Inej whispered, sounding almost surprised.

“I heard a gunshot,” he said, “The others were steering down the street, I sent Anika and Roeder to the docks and pulled Pim and Bolliger into the fight with me,”

Jesper was still nervous about that decision. It was hazy enough for him and Inej to show up and ask him to trust them on such insane information, but looking at Inej he knew he needed to be here. And the main thing was just that the others got Wylan away from the hired guns and back to the Barrel.

“You came back,” Inej whispered again.

Jesper tried to force his focus to Inej’s face, and not the throbbing flesh in front of him. He nodded.

“Do you think you can let me help you up? Can you walk?”

A brief moment hung in the air.

“I can try,”

Jesper held his hands out so Inej could choose to take them when she was ready, and she gripped him so tightly he thought the pressure from his rings might break skin. She was clearly holding in a scream as she anchored herself against him to drag her legs beneath her and sit upright.

“Inej-”

“Just let me try,” she breathed.

Jesper held his arms out at right angles, as stiff as he could make them, and Inej leaned on them like they were the top of a wall she’d climbed as she pulled herself to her feet. He watched her fingers tighten on top of his sleeve, her knuckles almost turning white. As soon as she was standing she released him, took one shuffling step forwards, and very nearly collapsed as her leg buckled and a low, almost angry scream burst from her chest. Jesper caught her on instinct as hse fell, then quickly pressed her against the side of one of the buildings leering into the alleyway so she could stay upright as he stepped away. She stared at the floor, breathing shakily. Her shadow loomed across the paving stones, disfigured by the dark blotch of the knife handle. Jesper took a slow breath.

“Inej, you’re not going to get back to the Slat like this,” he hesitated, “It’s not a long walk. You can lean on me, and we can take breaks if you need them. Okay?”

She closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them again she still avoided his gaze.

“Okay,”

Inej swayed a little as she tried to straighten, then fell into Jesper’s arm with a few slow, stumbling steps. He held her up, trying to keep weight off her leg if he could, trying to watch her face and figure out if she needed him to let go.

“Just tell me if you need to stop,”

They managed the first few steps, Inej limping badly, and had almost reached the mouth of the alley before she grabbed his sleeve. Jesper froze, scanning for something to lean her against to stay standing. He pulled away but kept his hand on hers, seemingly all that was holding her up. But all she said was:

“I’m dizzy,”

Her voice was barely a whisper, with a worryingly light tone that sounded faintly amused. Jesper glanced down - Inej’s face had paled quite considerably, and the cobbles beneath and behind them were dark and slick with red. Shit.

“Inej?”

“Jesper…” she whispered, swaying slighlty, “Jesper…”

Panic began to close its tight grip over Jesper as he tried to tug Inej another step forwards, hand over hers, arm outstretched for fear she’d fall or faint.

“You’re okay,” he told her, wishing he sounded more convincing, “You’re okay; we’re not far from the Slat now,”

Inej glanced around her like she was surprised to discover where she was.

“It’ll just take ten minutes,” said Jesper, even though he knew on a brisk walk it would probably take you fifteen, “Come on, you can do it,”

Inej gripped his hand tighter, took a slow but confident stride forwards, and promptly fell straight towards the pavement. Jesper grabbed her by the shoulders before she could face-plant onto the stones and tried to encourage her to balance, but he could tell it was a lost cause. He hesitated, but there was still blood pouring from Inej’s wounds and she was swaying between his hands on her arms, eyes half-closed.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, then quickly looped an arm around her waist and scooped her up into his arms, “I’m so sorry. We’ll get home as quick as possible, okay?”

Inej didn’t reply. She struggled briefly and rather half-heartedly as he picked her up and her face contorted in pain. He genuinely wasn’t sure if that came only from the knife wounds, or from him as well. But he had to get her back to the Slat, and he wasn’t sure she’d make it on her own. He all but ran back through the Barrel, moving as quickly as he could manage with her drooping in his arms, feeling her blood soaking into his shirt and murmuring a thousand apologies into her ear.

They burst messily through the door and Jesper immediately saw Layla, a sweetheart but probably the clumsiest girl he’d ever met, jump up from her chair at the sight of Inej. The chair fell over in her wake but she didn’t seem to notice.

“Find Kaz,” he told her, “Quick,”

She vanished. Inej mumbled something, her eyelids drooping.

“Hey,” Jesper tried his best to give her a shake without risking dropping her, “Hey, Inej! Look at me, come on, keep your eyes open,”

“Don’t…” her voice was weak and breathy, “... Kaz,”

Jesper shook her again, hurrying towards the stairs.

“Keep talking to me,” he said, “We’re gonna get you upstairs to lie down, and Nina’s gonna be here in no time, okay? Repeat it back to me, come on,”

Inej shuddered.

“Jesper… don’t…”

Her voice faded.

“Talk to me, Inej,”

“Don’t tell Kaz,” she whispered, shaking her head, “He won’t… if I… don’t…”

Jesper swallowed.

“We’ll-” he glanced back over his shoulder, but Layla was long gone, “Okay, Kaz is coming, but I’m gonna keep him out of your way, alright?”

Inej groaned.

“I can’t… he’ll…”

“He’s just going to know something happened,” Jesper didn’t know why she didn’t want Kaz to know about this, but he had a growing suspicion he could work it out, “He doesn't have to know how bad it is. I’ll keep him out of your way,”

They got upstairs as quickly as Jepser could manage and he laid her onto her bed. She groaned softly, rolling quickly away from his touch and immediately wincing at the pain, whilst Jesper grabbed a towel that he found sitting on top of her little clothes chest. He hesitated.

“I’m just gonna lift your legs up,” he told her, slowly, “to put the towel underneath you. Is that alright? I’m just gonna touch your boots, it’ll be two seconds,”

There was already blood on her duvet and maybe this was a futile gesture, but it would probably take a good while to track down any other clean bed sheets at the Slat if these ones got completely ruined. Inej nodded. She closed her eyes and when Jesper took hold of her shoes she gripped the quilt either side of her, the fabric balling into her fists. He pulled the towel along and folded it beneath the wounds as quickly as he could, then gently lowered her legs again.

“All done,” he whispered.

Inej’s pained whimper was her only response.

“Nina’s on her way, she’ll be here any minute. I’ll give you some space, I’ll be right outside the door if you need me-”

He made to leave, but before he could take a step further Inej’s hand had shot out and closed tightly over his own. She winced - she’d sat up slightly to reach him - and her face was contorted in pain as Jesper turned back to her.

“Don’t leave me,” she whispered, “Please,”

Jesper nodded, moving back to her side and squeezing her fingers softly.

“Of course not,”

There wasn’t a chair in Inej’s room - there wouldn’t have been space for one - but Jesper sat down beneath her window and stretched his legs out in front of him. She lay on her side so the knife handle was sticking into the air, dangling her arm over the side of the bed and loosely interlocking her fingers with his.

“Talk to me,”

“About what?”

“Anything,” she whispered, and after a minute, “How did you know? About Wylan?”

“I didn’t. Not really,” he shrugged, “I mean, I noticed stuff was weird… I didn’t think he would try to kill him,”

Inej closed her eyes for a moment and Jepser squeezed her fingers tighter.

“Inej? Inej, look at me,”

“I’m okay,” she whispered, “Still breathing,”

Jesper didn’t want to let go, but he gently loosened his grip on her fingers. They stayed loosely connected, index fingers hooked around each other. He was fighting to stay in this room, in this moment, with Inej and not… Jesper breathed. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen death, since his mother, he saw it almost every day. Hell, he may very well have killed a man barely half an hour ago, before he brought Inej back to the Slat, he didn’t stop to check if the tough was still breathing. And Inej was going to be fine, Nina was coming, she would know what to do. But there was something about this that was forcing him to face the cavern that would be left in him if he lost Inej, to bring the cavern already inside him back to the surface. He took a breath, trying to shake himself away from such stupid thoughts. He was not seven years old anymore. And Inej was going to be okay.

“Jesper?”

He blinked, smiling at Inej.

“Do you need anything?” he asked, “Do you want some water?”

“Jesper,” her voice was soft, “are you crying?”

“No,” he cleared his throat, standing up and dropping her hand, “I’ll get you some water,”

When he came back, Inej had shuffled herself up the bed to sit leaning against the headboard, propped up by her pillow, wincing as tried to settle herself.

“What are you doing?” asked Jesper, shaking his head, as he set her water down and offered her an arm so she could steady.

“I…” Inej breathed heavily, “... it hurts,”

“Well I hate to state the obvious, love, but I think that’s going to be a given when there a knife sticking out your leg,”

Inej made a sound that might have been laughter, but it was hard to tell through her pained breathing. She clutched his arm, resting her head briefly against his shoulder.

“You should lie down, try to keep it still,” he told her softly.

“Where’s Nina?”

Jesper had no idea. Shouldn’t she be here by now? Shouldn’t she have gotten back before they did?

“On her way,” he promised, “She’ll be here any minute,”

It took a short while longer for Nina to arrive, though Jesper wasn’t sure exactly how long it had been. He got Inej to drink an entire glass of water, but she was still losing blood badly and he thought she might be close to passing out. He didn’t know how much blood you have to have lost to get to that point. Should he try to put pressure on the cuts? He didn’t want to risk moving the knife around, and he wasn’t sure if I he would be okay with his hands on her leg again. If Nina wasn’t here in a few minutes, he decided, he would find something to tie around them and hope that would be enough pressure until she arrived.

“Talk to me,” Inej said again, her voice weak, “Please,”

Jesper nodded.

“I… I don’t know what to say,”

“You always know what to say,” Inej laughed softly, and Jesper echoed her.

She was right. He could’ve talked for King and country, as his Da would’ve put it - which always made Jesper laugh when he was little, because they didn’t have a King in Novyi Zem. There wasn’t a King in Kerch, either, but that didn’t stop him. Still, now it felt like there were simply no words within his reach. A moment passed, before Inej murmured:

“Tell me about Wylan,”

“What about him?”

“Well, I only met him twice,” she said, softly, “In chemistry lessons, of all places. I’m still yet to have a go at Kaz for those,”

Jesper laughed.

“Tell me what he’s like,” Inej said, closing her eyes again until Jesper grabbed her hand and she said: “I’m awake. I’m okay. Just… talk,”

Jesper talked. The minutes ticked by. He panicked that Nina still hadn’t appeared, wondered if he should send one of the Dregs looking for her or looking for a Healer, tried to keep his voice even and carry on talking to Inej. He didn’t know how long it had been when the door was flung open and Nina ran into the tiny bedroom, taking Jesper by surprise so much that he jumped up to his feet.

“Inej?”

“Nina…” Inej groaned, softly, reaching out towards Nina’s outstretched hand, smiling as she said, “funny story…”

“Oh Saints, Inej, I’m so sorry I took so long,”

Nina clutched at Inej’s fingers for a moment as Jesper tried to shuffle out of her way in the tiny room, so Nina could get to Inej properly.

“What-?” when she saw the full extent of Inej’s injuries, Nina gasped, “Oh Saints, what happened?”

Jesper opened his mouth but before he could the door opened again and Kaz appeared through it.

“Wraith-”

Inej seemed to almost flinch, pulling herself quickly upright and immediately wincing at the pain.

“Nope,” said Jesper, before Kaz could get another word in, “There’s too many people in here,”

“What happened?” asked Kaz, his rough voice grating through the air.

“Out,” Jesper pointed at the door, “I’ll fill you in,”

No-one moved for a moment; Jesper walked towards the door so Kaz was forced to back out into the corridor again, though he didn’t look pleased about it, and nodded at Nina and Inej before he pulled it shut behind them both.

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thesporkidentity · 10 months ago

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an incomplete list of texts i sent as i slowly lost my mind over the second book of rivers of london, because i fully intend to drag at least one more person into this pit with me. come read with me i promise you're gonna feel so good and normal over this book, come closer

wow okay peter remains the absolute horniest bastard ever. is he a tits or an ass man? yes

oh we are just getting the surface levels hints of nightingales MOUNTAIN of unresolved PTSD and i am very 🥺

you ever feel like a character was written specifically to appeal to you? i'm getting so many tantalizing hints and i KNOW he's going to destroy because he's catnip. he is bait specifically designed to hurt my feelings

also his description makes me think of lee pace or like, 90s/00s paul mcgann and that's just Very Good and i'm being deeply not normal about it

also nightingale reads as SO queer to me, and the potential in fic to explore what that means insofar as how he has navigated the changing landscape of queerness from 1900 to present day is so tantalizing. i don't care that the author says he's not, in this case the author is wrong lol

i must say, i do not care for simone. if we absolutely MUST have hetersexual nonsense in this book i would like beverly back please. she was cool and not a cheating homewrecking jazz groupie lol

still not impressed with simone. i mean, far be it from me to judge a woman's grieving process and all, but she doesn't seem very broken up over her within-the-week dead lover. i mean, i LOVE peter and all and he's hot shit, but immediately falling into bed with him? sus

in conclusion bring 👏 bev 👏 back 👏

also peter, buddy, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

he's a disaster so even though i'm screaming DON'T DO THAT i am unsurprised he is being led around by his dick by a beautiful woman throwing herself at him

but i just. i Don't Trust Her. she doesn't make sense, and i can't tell if this is a case of male author writing wish fulfillment and thus not giving the hot girl adequate motivation of her own

or whether i AM supposed to find it suspicious the way she basically doesn't mourn the man she homewrecked who died very suddenly and then IMMEDIATELY jumps into bed with the magic cop investigating his very probable murder

and i REALIZE the only way to find out is to keep reading, it's just frustrating that women are written poorly so often that, even if he's written good women before, i still have to debate with this is a subtle clue or just Male Author Syndrome

oh my god he finally twigs that this may be weird behavior. peter. bud.

at least he got it before trying to sneak her past folly wards?

side note: god lesley really got the short end of the stick. like, her face fell off, her teeth are a fucking mess, and she probably has brain damage. she got royally shafted

peter "i'm totally straight" grant, talking about how he wants to take a muscly guy by the shoulders and kiss his cheeks and making sure to mention how many phone numbers her got while canvasing the gay bar.

hmm sure, jan

look i KNOW peter is Incredibly Horny All The Time when near any attractive woman, but simone appears from NOWHERE half dressed while he's canvassing for the jazz vampire and he just skives off like that? while looking for a potential killer? that doesn't seem like him he's not that irresponsible. that smells like conspiracy and glamour and i don't trust herrrrrrr

like, peter was already horny wanting to motorboat mama thames (lol don't think i didn't catch that pun) last book. but this book has been a whole new level of horny, and peter may be distractible but not THAT distractible surely

another side note. i love molly and nightingale's weird friendship they've developed living basically with just each other for decades.

oh jesus that's fucked up

oh the severed head is talking

oh. oh no. it got worse

peter, darling, beloved, is now REALLY the time to be talking about how hot your boss is? like i appreciate your dedication to the thirst but time and place, bud

oh never mind i forgive you nightingale is so fucking cool, i get it, i love him

he's so good. the most tragic backstory and perfect stiff upper lip old fashioned english gentleman on the outside, and then just below the surface he's a daredevil and a bit of a bitch and he fucking CARES just SO MUCH and have i mentioned how much the casterbrook wall HURTS ME?? this was revealed in the last book but i just remembered it and it stabbed me again

okay i'm done

i feel like peter has miscalculated making a deal with his cousin to teach her if she aces latin. that's gonna come back to bite lol hope you like teaching too smart for their own good teenagers cuz that's gonna be your life now

"but sir, what do we do if you die??!" "well, that doesn't seem like it will be my problem at that point :)" he's such a bitch sometimes and i LOVE him, mother

ohhhhh. oh no. the pale lady looked like molly and now molly is obviously not okay after she died, that resemblance wasn't just coincidence she definitely knew her 😢

and this is the first person peter has killed, no matter how accidentally. and nightingale is back in the hospital with his chest infection. wow everyone is just having a terrible time right now

okay. i realize that as a memory for him this probably isn't a GOOD one, it's from the war and probably much scarier and MUCH more traumatizing than he makes it sound with his dry narration of it. but god. nightingale knocked out two TANKS. by himself. with his mind. fucking sexy lol

oh damn it why can't they just let me be horny about how powerful he is instead of immediately following it with the fact that he was rear guard and making emotional that it means he was the one trusted to watch over and protect the rest of his men while they retreated as that one final shield between them and enemy fire

hhhhhhhholy shit what did simone DO to mama grant???!!!!

she just bitch slapped her!

OH MY GOD SHE TRIED TO HOMEWRECK HIS PARENTS TOO???

she's PLAUSIBLY IMMORTAL???

fuck i was right she was sketchy as hell!!

she's a fucking jazz vampire and she's been glamouring and sucking him dry! buddy, get to dr walid STAT for a brain scan and make sure she's not turning you into cauliflower!

peter don't you make excuses for her you KNOW it's possible, stop lying about your mum and trying to make her feel better you need to take her in she's a m u r d e r e r

i mean, glamour yes i realize but god, frustrating

good lad peter, i see you fighting it 💪🏾

ohhhhhhhh. oh fuck. she didn't KNOW. she didn't know she was from the 40s and killing people. oh this is bad

nightingale, attempting to show concern: "that was not the most intelligent thing you've done" xD 10/10 nailed it buddy

umm, nightingale? this may not be the black and white moral situation you think it is to go in guns blazing...

it's both funny and little sad how militant both molly and dr walid are when nightingale is injured like. i do LOVE when the person who is SUPPOSEDLY in charge gets lovingly bullied, but it hurts because that's also probably the ONLY way to make him take care of himself is if they FORCE him. and peter's not any better, he's gonna need bullying too

i do love when they team up though. molly and nightingale ganging up against peter like. nightingale gets the special treatment and a hot cocoa from molly, but peter gets the dog's leash and smug little "i'm on bedrest :)" or nightingale foisting the rest of his kidney pie on peter while molly is out of the room then grabbing his empty plate back to pretend he ate it all himself when she returns xD

the cases are interesting and all, but i think it's the core characters that are really the standout of the novel and the reason i keep reading even while i'm asking myself things like, but WHY is she killing via vagina dentata instead of literally any other assassination method? i think it's also why simone stood out so much. she HAD no background that we were told (until now) aside from being sexy. which of course i now know was intentional

"this is your brain, which is not only clean and unsullied by thought..." i love dr walid. it probably says something about me that my favorite characters all have to be at least a little bit of a bitch

oh no i'm having feeeeeelings about both nightingale and peter trying to keep the other out of the vampire raid to shield them from the emotional effects of it, just from opposite ends. nightingale doesn't want peter to have the pain of ANOTHER death on his hands, this one purposeful as opposed to the accidental death of the pale lady, so he's trying to just cut him out of it. and then peter ALSO doesn't want NIGHTINGALE to have the weight of more deaths on his soul and wants to protect him from what he sees as the unfortunate necessity of having to off someone who isn't intentionally hurting someone but still may be too dangerous to live. nightingale trying to save peter from his bleeding heart and peter saving nightingale from his practicality overriding his morality 😭 i just love when characters try to take care of each other in mirrored ways

uh...uh oh peter...no i don't think those are the police OR nightingale's paratrooper buddies

okay the audiobook is fucking excellent though, his infomercial voice while extolling the virtues of doc martins is KILLING me

oh this posh wanker. "oh what is feeding on people but another form of exploitation, and we all know there's nothing wrong with exploiting workers, equality is morally bankrupt anyway" god i hate you already you're insufferable

like of COURSE a dining club oxford nose wipe would think that way. he thinks he's sooooo slick and original with his chimeras they're such exciting new COL crimes but it all just boils down the the exact same rich white bullshit mentality

he would hate it if he realized how dull and banal his villainy is once you strip back the shock value of the trappings. just another entitled prick who views people as things, fuck this dude

i'd be tempted to say the faceless man's signare smelling like pork was a dig at david cameron and piggate if i didn't know it was written a few years too early for that lol

peter: oh no nightingale is going to give me SUCH a bollocking nightingale, obviously so relieved he's alive: very much does NOT give him a bollocking and instead tells him how impressive it is that he didn't just immediately die against the faceless man

"for a terrifying moment i thought he was going to huge me, but fortunately we both remembered we were english just in time. still, it was a close call" 🤣🤣🤣

oh ouch peter. just use all his dead friends against him. effective but also, low blow

god he wants so badly for peter to be right, too, that they and HE doesn't have to kill anyone anymore, that how that it's not Just Him ALl Alone they might have the support structure for other options. oh no i want this to work so badly so that hope is validated, but i just know something is gonna go wrong

welp

i didn't like her but i didn't want her fuckin DEAD you know?

and now the ones left standing have to deal with the trauma and the fallout

oh lesley :( they're both trying so hard to be normal about it and they're such good friends 🥺

LESLEY DO MAGIC?

LESLEY JOIN TEAM FOLLY???!!

also don't think you've been sneaky there and that i haven't noticed SOME sort of thematic symmetry of lesley struggling with having lost her face involuntarily from magic, and the faceless man having voluntarily masked himself. involuntary vs voluntary loss of identity. i'm sure there will be more parallels in the next book but like. i see you. i see you setting up face themes with these two

hopefully with lesley regaining her face somehow and thus reclaiming identity while the faceless man is unmasked thus losing the identity he built for himself and revealing the true one he hid. maybe hopefully? i want good things for lesley and bad things for the faceless one.

#rivers of london #under a readmore because it's so long and i don't want to owe even MORE of an apology to everyone in the tag than i already do

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vtforpedro · 6 months ago

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life update - long

It took me a hot minute to find the last update. December, I guess? I'm so tired I never stop being tired and time is not real anymore. Anyway. Disability Stuff: I won my case in federal court in February. They said it'd take a year so I was a little hm. Found out the SSA voluntarily asked the judge for the remand because the written decision was indefensible and they were gonna take another look. Pros: Hey, I won! I get a second hearing! Cons: I didn't get a brief written by the federal law firm because there was no time. This is actually a tactic used by the SSA. I have no doubt they're fine tuning another denial. I also have to wait for the lower level court to figure out what was so bad about it (that they'd already ruled was perfect) to give to the judge I will have another hearing with. The same judge. Who said I was a liar multiple times and omitted eight months of medical evidence and said mental health issues are subjective hahaha. I hate this country. Health: Boy howdy it's been better and worse. I had the tilt table test in late December, went... ok enough, but my neuro didn't like how ambiguous the report was and sent me back to them to speak to an autonomic disorder specialist. Scheduled in Jan, just had my appt with her this month lol she is busy. She ordered: genetics test, labs, and skin biopsy. I've done the first two, third is scheduled in July and I'm gonna be a mess because needles u_u Brain stuff is much of the same. Episodic. Manageable times are a godsend, bad times are really bad. My heart started to do some funky ass shit a few months ago. My mom kept writing it off as anxiety no matter how much I explained that it felt like my heart was pounding after exercise. My BP and pulse shot up high for a while and b/c my pulse never came back down and it was interfering with, you know, living, my PCP sent me to cardiology. :') Cause I wanted my heart involved in this mess One 24hr holter monitor, echo, and heart ultrasound later, and I have a new heart condition. He said 'your heart is beating so fast you would normally see it with exercise' bada boom baby and has nothing to do with fucking ANXIETY >:[ I'm on heart medication. 10 meds. I need to start another med for my psych but that's 11 and I'm honestly getting upset because it's so fucking much medication in one day but every single one of them is necessary so what can really I do? Personal: Relationship with my mom is at an all time low. This is extremely unfortunate because a few weeks ago, my mom told me she is basically being 'laid off' (she's not losing her job for a while, just retiring earlier than expected) and I have to leave my home of 10 years by mid-August. Got no sympathy from her about it *finger guns* I've gone through the devastation of that and am kind of just stuck in how is any of that gonna work. My brother and I can't live together, so he's gonna move into a family friend's rental. Except he has no job and hasn't been able to get one in months. He started one on Monday, is gonna leave by Friday because it's horrific ig. Anyway my mom promises he won't be there. We have to move based on my disabilities and my mom's house is gonna have to reflect what we have here. I'll see it when I believe it. I don't trust her anymore. Extra unfortunate that I'm gonna be living 24/7 with my mother who has been an abusive person in my life the past two years. The short break thru the day that my apartment is just mine, quiet and gentle, is gonna be gone. I'll be introducing my solitary 11 year old cat Lilly into a house with 3 other cats. She only knew Isis her entire life. She was just diagnosed with neuro issues this year after going through an MRI. We don't know if she has seizure activity or if it's movement disorder, but the med she's on treats both and she has gotten better. Same process Isis went through. Cannot believe I have two cats with neuro issues and likely the same one. May 18th was one year since Isis passed. Rough, tiring day.

I don't know how it has been that long. Feels like it just happened. I can still see her and feel her through my apartment and losing it in August will probably shatter me most because of losing the last place she existed in. I miss her more than I can say.

She was my little soulmate and her absence is felt in every corner here. Writing/Fandom:

I went through a whole fucking situation over in the Stranger Things fandom that has left me not wanting to post anymore. Idk if neuro shit has destroyed my ability to write but it's humiliating and painful every time I post a fic.

I posted stucky (1 out of 2 fics this year) on my main acct and lost 8 fuckin user subs? Like goddamn. What'd stucky do 😭 anyway it was even more devastating and kinda like 'here's your big ass sign to keep your writing to yourself.'

Between the god awful shit that happened in the ST fandom and my inability to put together even a good one shot, I'm feeling really down about one of two creative things I can do in my life. I used to love sharing my stuff. I want to write and share but it feels like it's harming my MH. I can't draw or paint right now, either. And I can barely move around my apartment without pain. I can't even leave it except for doctor appointments.

Idk. Very walls are closing in type of feeling and I hate it. In short: I'm tired, struggling, and too many things are happening at once. I love you all 😩💜 thank you for your patience and love and kind words. Your support is felt through one update to the next. I hope you're all well and I'm sending all my love and hugs to you.

#vtforpedro personal #vtforpedro medical #tw mental health #tw disability

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skamenglishsubs · 2 years ago

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Subtext and Culture, Young Royals, Season 2, Episode 3

When Jan-Olof called August at the end of episode 2, he said August was supposed to be at the castle next Tuesday, which is when this episode ends. So we're probably picking up this episode in the weekend before that maybe?

Culture: August calls his not favourite step-dad to get some legal advice to prepare for being summoned by the Queen. But if you listen to the Swedish dialogue, Rickard keeps repeating a word - grovt - while listing the possible crimes. The subtitles struggle with this, and the word normally means coarse or thick or rough, but in the context of Swedish criminal law, it means grave, egregious, or worse than normal, and it means that if convicted, the punishment should be from the upper end of the scale.

Subtext: Wilhelm is trying some self-help for his anxiety, but it's not going too well. Baby steps!

Subtext: It's no coincidence that the "injured party" is in the image while August's step-dad mentions it, and that's of course the problem for August. If he confesses or gets dragged into court, he's got an uphill battle, fighting the royal court and their lawyers, which his step-dad might not be up for.

Subtext: Wilhelm demanded distance from his bodyguards, the Queen said she couldn't do that, but what do you know, apparently it wasn't impossible for them to back off a bit.

Subtext: This is somewhat of a theme for this episode, but also for the series as a whole. Wilhelm talked Simon into cheating to get into the rowing team, for purely selfish reasons, and because it's second nature to him. But he'll never get punished for cheating, it's always someone else who will. Simon knows what's up.

Lost in translation: My subtitles skipped this word completely, but isterband is a kind of pork sausage. I'm not a fan, so I completely understand Felice here!

Subtext: Despite Jan-Olof being set up as kind of a villain, opposing Wilhelm all the way, at the end of the day he is employed by the royal family, and Wilhelm does outrank him and can order him around.

Culture: I live in Hawaii, so imagine my surprise when I went to Sweden in 2019 and suddenly noticed tons of places selling poke bowls of all things, when no-one would have known what that even was a year earlier. Sweden has this funny ability to take a trend from zero to a hundred seemingly overnight, leading to over-establishment and people burning out on trends as quickly as they appeared.

Subtext: Simon knows that cheating doesn't work, so he has enlisted Rosh to help him out with his workout in preparation for the competition, while Wilhelm is having a lazy "room-service" dinner with Felice.

Subtext: To be fair to Simon, Wilhelm has been manipulating things in order to stay close to him, and not the other way around.

Subtext: I'm gonna headcanon things a bit about Marcus here, but this is my take on it: Since they went to the same school, I think Marcus knew who Simon was, knew that he had come out as gay, and has been secretly crushing on him since. Marcus is probably really in love with Simon, and so caught up in finally going out with his crush that he isn't exactly picking up on the fact that Simon isn't on the same level.

Subtext: Simon is wearing a purple hoodie which means he's thinking about Wilhelm according to our popular colour theory. And he's wondering why he can't fall in love with Marcus? It's a complete mystery!

Subtext: The only times Simon has reached out to Marcus has been when he's feeling hurt by Wilhelm. But right here he realizes that he actually likes Wilhelm more, which is why he ignores Marcus.

Subtext: Everyone has been encouraging Wilhelm to talk about his feelings, so this is a start, he's finally found a friend he can talk to. Ironically, he's trying to let go, just as Simon realizes he shouldn't move on.

Subtext: Ah, Nils, never change! Boris isn't like the other teachers and staff at school, he doesn't fit in with the upper classes, which is why he's got this nickname. For all his derision though, it doesn't stop Nils from seeing him.

Culture: Nils shows contempt for the concept with his air quotes, but hbtqi-certifiering is a real thing offered by RFSL, Sweden's oldest and largest gay rights organization. For a psychologist to have that certification, it just means they're equipped to deal with the unique mental health problems queer people face.

Subtext: In his own way, Boris actually does answer the question without answering it, hinting that Erik also had problems with the role of being the crown prince and the weight of that responsibility.

Subtext: He's not wrong, though. The more money and power and fame you have, the more people will want to get close to you and use you and potentially blackmail you and leech off of you. There is a legit reason for the secrecy and privacy among the upper class.

Blink and you miss it: He's talking about Erik while touching the watch he wears as a memory of him.

Subtext: This old question again, "Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" I'd say he's lying to himself here, it hurts right now, but he is better off for it.

Culture: The authors are four very well-known Swedish authors from the turn of the century, these books are classics, and every high school student in Sweden will have read some works by these authors, if not these specific books.

First up is Den Allvarsamma Leken by Hjalmar Söderberg, which is about a couple who met while young, couldn't get together, but stay in love over many years and relationships. Obvious parallels to Wilhelm and Simon's situation. This novel has been made into a movie several times, and the 2016 version was directed by none other than Pernilla August.

The second book is Kris by Karin Boye, and as the characters explain, it is an autobiographic novel about a lesbian love story hampered by tradition, because being gay in the 1930's wasn't exactly kosher.

The third book is Herr Arnes Penningar by literature Nobel prize laureate Selma Lagerlöf, which is about a murder-arson-robbery gone wrong. I certainly hope it's not meant to parallel our story! Selma used to be on the Swedish 20-krona bills introduced in the 90's, but design was replaced in 2015 to feature another author, Astrid Lindgren.

Edit: Thank you @emberc and @richtearex for finding out the title of the fourth book!

I can't make out the title of the fourth book, but the author is The fourth book is Getting Married by the internationally most well-known Swedish author and playwright August Strindberg. Many of his works are about challenging tradition and social rules, and he was seen as very controversial during his lifetime. The book is a collection of short stories about different kinds of marriage, including same-sex ones, which was extremely controversial when it was published in the 1880's. Again, obvious parallels to the show itself.

Subtext: If you haven't picked up the super duper obvious parallels between the novel and this story by now, I have completely failed in teaching you how to pick up subtext, and you are as completely clueless as Henry, who completely misses the point of the novel!

Blink and you miss it: Wilhelm really doesn't like speaking in public.

Subtext: Given how clueless Henry is, he's probably also completely missing the tension between Simon and Wilhelm, and he's that guy in a group project, always escaping responsibility. But him bailing to get coffee actually allows our boys to have a talk.

Subtext: Earlier, Simon chided Wilhelm for not being able to talk about his feelings, and now Wilhelm flips it and criticizes Simon for his lack of honesty.

Subtext: Simon starts reactively texting Marcus about meeting up to break up. But this time it's a reaction because he's slowly realizing he doesn't want to move on from Wilhelm. In the end though he changes his mind and doesn't send the text.

Subtext: Obviously, Sara is trying to sabotage the horse sale. Unfortunately for her, everyone else realizes what she's doing and is pretty much ignoring her.

Subtext: Simon did not fool the music teacher, she immediately realized that the song was actually about Wilhelm, but gives him suggestions on how to salvage it into a proper school song.

Subtext: Wilhelm's plan of replacing August backfires some more, Vincent is his usual douchy self, and Wilhelm realizes he can't control him like he could with August.

Subtext: First Brutus, now Judas. August really sees Vincent as the ultimate traitor.

Subtext: I think Marcus is getting an undeserved amount of shit in the fandom, because up until this point he's been nothing but good. He's actually getting his heart broken here by Simon, because he thought he really had a chance with him.

Subtext: Marcus says he is willing to wait for Simon to be ready for a relationship, which is the exact same thing Simon broke up with Wilhelm about, because he was not willing to wait for Wilhelm to be ready.

Subtext: He lied, like a liar. Wilhelm is 100% the reason Simon wants to call it off with Marcus at this point.

Subtext: But from this point on, I agree with the rest of you, this is manipulative behaviour from Marcus' side and not ok! He is clearly getting ahead of himself and wanting to salvage this relationship by any means, because in his head it's this beautiful thing that was meant to be.

Subtext: August is definitely sending some mixed signals here, he says he just wants to talk, so why is he lounging around half-naked waiting for her? However, it's also the case that Sara is the only person he can talk to about the sex tape at this point.

Subtext: Everyone has been telling Sara that August is the worst person in the world, using those exact words, and here he is saying it himself. But because he does that, Sara thinks he's self-aware enough to change and to redeem himself for what he did, which is why she's encouraging him to turn himself in.

Subtext: Except Sara felt like everyone hated her at Marieberg because she was bullied, which was absolutely not her fault, whereas August's situation is totally his own damn fault.

Subtext: I'm not sure exactly how to interpret this sequence, but I have some ideas. In season 1, we saw August being an extremely selfish lover with Felice, but here he's offering to go down on Sara for her sake, so that's a nice change. There's also a parallel to Wilhelm going down on Simon, making this a mirror to that scene. Or Sara is just nervous about having sex for the first time and not ready for oral sex?

Subtext: She lied, like a liar, clearly super happy about having had sex for the first time.

Subtext: Of course the horoscope matches her situation perfectly...

Subtext: ...it's just that the jealousy drama is not her own, it's Simon and Wilhelm's drama.

Subtext: Felice thinks she's talking about Rosseau, Sara is obviously talking about August. Or both.

Culture: I described the house system back in season 1, so it's nice to see it fleshed out a bit more in this season. The inter-house rivalry is strongly encouraged by the school, and here we see Sprucewood hyping themselves up before their Quidditch match against Slytherin indoor rowing match against Forest Ridge.

Subtext: Yeah, no, that kiss clearly crossed the line, it's not what Simon wanted. But Wilhelm saw it, thinking Simon lied about him and Marcus not being together, oh shit, oh no.

Subtext: Remember the talk about cheating and who gets the blame? Of course Vincent blames Simon for it, instead of Wilhelm, even though it's actually Wilhelm's fault Skogsbacken lost.

Subtext: So Simon quits the team, which means he's gonna get lower grades, getting unfairly punished yet again. And Wilhelm's plan for staying close to Simon backfired even more.

Blink and you miss it: Aww, Wilhelm keeps a small photo album labelled "Simon" on his phone, with a bunch of private photos of them.

Cinematography: If you listen carefully, the quality of the music changes noticeably in the cut, because the show does a diegetic switch between us hearing the music come out of Emo Wilhelm's earbuds, and it being a general soundtrack. It's also a very pretty montage of Angsty Teenager Being Angsty.

Culture: In season 1 there were only some distant shots of the royal castle, but this time we're getting a beautiful close-up of it. In real life, we're looking at Stora Sundby, which is Sweden's largest non-royal castle.

Subtext: You should all have read my previous piece laying out my thoughts on this entire plot, but note that the Queen only mentions Wilhelm quitting because he can't handle the pressure, she says nothing of the issues of being in a same-sex relationship or not having an heir, so she should at least get credit for that. Also note that this is specifically what Wilhelm's outburst in episode 1 was about.

Subtext: The show continues to paint the Queen in a good light, further separating her wishes from that of the nefarious System that forces her to do this.

Lost in translation: In Swedish, she doesn't say August is next in the line of succession, she says he's closest in the line of succession, which isn't the same thing, so the original is explaining this plot point slightly better than the subtitles.

Cinematography: This entire cursed scene is a mirror of the one in s1e4, which starts by Wilhelm asking Simon to hold him.

Cinematography: It's also physically mirrored, because Wilhelm and Felice are on the opposite bed on the opposite side in his bedroom.

#young royals #young royals subtext #young royals analysis #young royals season 2

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droumack · 4 months ago

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oh my god this "nate doesn't know they're bonded and that jo is pregnant" story is killing me it's so angsty and delicious i can't... "summer" can be anything from may-august so the baby would be due anywhere between like jan-april... can totally picture this jo not wanting to tell nate because he thinks nate doesn't want both him and the baby, then putting it off for longer and longer which makes the secret feel harder and harder to tell, and the bond withdrawal/sickness gets worse and worse (and he feels it even more because he's pregnant), but he still puts off telling nate because of the aforementioned reasons + not wanting to disturb him in the lead up to the playoffs... and he tries so hard to push through and stay healthy for the baby but despite his best efforts things eventually get to a point where his withdrawal/bond sickness/pregnancy symptoms get so bad that his doctors etc essentially tell him that he has to tell nate and get him to come spend time with him otherwise the baby's health or his health will be at serious risk... maybe his health like the baby's fine but he's putting all his energy into that and the doctors are very worried about what will happen to him during/after childbirth... so obviously jo gives in and tells nate because he wants to be healthy enough to care for his baby when they're born, and nate comes immediately and is obviously feral at the fact that a) him and jo are bonded and he didn't know about it b) jo is sick c) jo is pregnant with his baby, but he's so overwhelmed with joy and relief that jo is his + jo is having his baby that nothing else matters, he's suddenly got everything he's ever wanted and thought he wasn't ever going to get - and he's been despairing over this for years at this point, especially after their fights in the summer & before the season began, he hadn't given up because he's natemac and that's not in his DNA but his bond withdrawal/sickness symptoms were contributing to his angst/despair, and jo was avoiding/mostly brushing off his attempts to reach out during the season, as he didn't want to slip up and tell nate what was going on... maybe they got to a point where they weren't back to normal but were still talking occasionally like over text and phone during the season, because jo needed to hear nate's voice and have some contact with him etc to get by and keep some of the worst symptoms at bay, but he's holding back and very reserved the whole time and nate has no idea why and doesn't know what to do to fix it. and there's definitely something fairly significant that nate said/did to make jo feel this way, but nate is unaware of how deeply this specific incident hurt and affected jo's perception of nate's interest in him and in pursuing a relationship with him, as he didn't "mean it" that way etc but he put his foot in his mouth and all that... aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

i bet the thing nate said is somehting along the lines of "i want what gabe & mel have" or something and jo is like "oh you want a beautiful blonde wag and a beautiful blonde baby, got it"

and what nate really meant is "i want to marry a person i love and be great parents together and be really happy" but obviously jo misunderstood that

GOD THERE ARE SO MANY IDEAS FLOATING AROUND THANK YOU GUYS

#ask me anything

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thegeminisage · 7 months ago

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as someone who wasn't around in 2014....can you tell me what it was like? (stucky) can you give me a taste of the gardens of babylon etc

what was it like...this is such a fun question i want you to know i gave serious thought to my answer and also discussed it at length with my 2014 friend last night and i know already it's gonna be so long. sorry that i answered your ask at fuck o clock in the morning i am scheduling it to go up later and also at the time you sent the ask in to make sure you see it

ok so like. i mean, you're on the fandom website, right, so i assume youve been in fandoms. idk if youve ever been in a really, REALLY big fandom, at the same time that said fandom was also producing content (even if the source material was not). think d*stiel post nov 5, or undert*le circa late 2015/early 2016, or z*lda after totk came out, or h*rry p*tter as the seventh book was being released. (i'm censoring to avoid a false positive of anybody's blacklist except in the case of the last one, which i am censoring out of <3 disrespect.) like there's something REALLY luxurious about being in ANY large and active fandom and it's mostly the power of crowdsourcing. st*r tr*k 2009's tarsus iv headcanons. the storm trooper lore re: the f*rce awakens before the second two movies came out. everyone just kind of agreeing that dean w*nchester was a teenage hooker. you know?

like, that's "just fanon," sure, but part of the beauty of it is that no one person makes up fanon, we all gather in the biggest writing group in the world and collectively go insane and bat ideas back and forth. there are a hundred THOUSAND fics about bucky barnes on ao3 and that's just the people who were writing, not even counting artists and gifmakers and meta-writers and people who just reblog stuff. i can't possibly begin to put an accurate number to how many people are in any given fandom at any given time, but imagine (on the low end, i'm sure) there are THOUSANDS, perhaps tens of thousands, of people going nuts about stevebucky at all times. tens of THOUSANDS people doing "yes and" with each other on the internet 24 hours a day seven days a week. it's just like being in any fandom, you log on to your dash and see what the mewchies posted while you were gone, but in a fandom so huge and so active you were getting bombarded with idea after idea after idea every single second, so if you don't like one you're spoiled for choice in what you engage with next. it didn't even matter that cap3 was two years away or that it sucked when it finally got here because we collectively wrote cap3 a million times over. like, genuinely, it was a mass creative exercise. it's the biggest writing group in the world. for better or worse, we were shaping our own version of that universe, without any input from or regard to the people who actually created the characters and movie, in a way that compelled most strongly to our own tastes and demographic.

what made this particular movie/fandom special though was a few things. firstly i still genuinely believe it was ahead of its time...marvel shit pre disney was allowed to be political in ways it is ABSOLUTELY not now. like, cap2 could say "the government is secretly full of nazis and they all need to burn" in 2014 two years before the 2016 election and 7 years before jan 6. like you just couldn't say that now. "war bad" is an oldie but goodie, but "our entire government is corrupt and needs to be torn into flaming pieces and cast into the potomac" is um. pretty radical. so is, by the way, "men as victims" and "men having emotions" etcetc. like, not in fandom, fandom all but invented that shit, but as far as dumb superhero movies go. i can't tell you the number of metas i read AND WROTE discussing steve rogers and masculinity and how all that was portrayed, intentionally or not, in that fucking film. i had entire separate universes built up in my head for steve who was born a cis girl and steve who decided later in life that "nonbinary" or "trans woman" was a better fit and then steve who was born as a cis boy and remained a man his whole life but felt weird and different ways about being queer which clashed with the weird and different ways BARNES felt about being queer. i'm not saying the film (or the fandom! good lord) was perfect, it was a product of its time, but it was also WAY ahead of its time too. it was weird to expect the next film to come out and actually, like, be good. it wasnt, but we fully believed it would be and that wasn't delusional behavior because the last one had been. i would never have that kind of faith in a marvel project now because they've been bought by disney.

oh yeah and that's the other thing too like. speaking of queer people. gay marriage wasn't legal in the US on a federal level until 2015, and you couldn't just flip on your TV and see them whenever you wanted. ten years doesn't seem like that long ago in the grand scheme of things but like, we lived on glee and cw/mtv queerbait (disclaimer that i personally only participated in cw queerbait) and that was it. we had crumbs. and like when people write gay characters theyre Just Gay, but if you decide to be crazy stupid in a slash fandom you can decide these layered characters are gay and that's even better rep than um whatever was going on in other pieces of media. these guys are both so lonely and out of step with time and lack other people with "shared life experiences" (girl what the hell was that) and their connection w each other keeps them afloat in a world that doesn't want them so like of COURSE it seems like it's supposed to be romantic. and like, i could and did make myself and my tumblr buds crrrazy (and got made crazy by them) thinking about:

how steve's size when small and again when big interacted w his gender identity and his sexuality and how that sexuality manifested. barnes's identity As A Man hinging on his ability to go to war for his country bc Thats What Men Did but now he's no longer fit because theres worms in his brain. loss of bodily autonomy which usually happens to women and natasha being later in that journey than steve and bucky are and so close to being at peace with it but not there yet. stigmatization of seeking treatment for mental health issues lessened by the presence of sam who could have been a Macho Tough Guy but actually gives off strong Talk About Our Feelings And Be Soft vibes. don't even get me started on the relationship (predatory) between steve and rumlow and how it parallels the one between barnes and pierce (and if any of you motherfuckers BREATHE a word of that h*dra tr*sh p*rty shit in my direction i will END you) and the stigma that comes from being preyed on when vulnerable As Men. steve's depression and ptsd and him getting triggered by, yes, the fucking ALS ice bucket challenge. the collective belief that he was conscious when he was frozen even though nobody said that so that he and barnes could have that in common too. the headcanon about barnes having roma heritage - shoutout to not easily conquered my beloved, and the 14k smut coda i wrote for it✌ speaking of smut, i would be remiss also not to mention there was a STRONG element of collective lust involved. i'm immune to 99% of it bc im ace but the winter soldier was uh. VERY graceful. you know? i didn't write 14k of porn because i was uncompelled. we were on one. we went fucking crazy. fandom in general but especially big fandoms have a kind of nonstop endless well of creative energy born from obsession that is the absolute envy of people like my mortal enemy grrm. we NEVER quit.

also, HISTORY (and other vaguely educational subjects). we were all so desperate to know how steve and bucky would have lived in the years we couldn't see them it sparked a sitewide interest in 1940s american history. there was a thing about bananas tasting different now because of a plague. m&ms being invented as wartime candy. stuff about how shoebox apartments looked and how rations worked. 1940s recipes and radio shows. the 1940s queer movement and how it interacted with ballroom dancing and private drag get-togethers. how amputations work and how prosthetic limbs work in real life so we could extrapolate it to fantasy. how to hand-draw that fucking arm in photoshop. why soldiers are trained to say their serial numbers when captured. what ww2 was like. what dog tags are for. what did they get in the ration packs. what brand of cigarettes did they smoke. what brand (and i am being so serious, i STILL own a tube) of LIPSTICK did peggy carter use. caloric intake of someone with a 4x speed metabolism and how much famine peanut butter he'd need to eat daily to keep from starving to death. oppression of irish immigrants and their children/grandchildren back in the 1940s. the difference between conservatives and fascists, back when there was a difference. what activities generally took place on these mysterious but ever-present new york city docks. just exactly HOW many terrible movies and tv shows has sebastian stan been in ranked by his resemblance to james buchanan barnes in each one. (i personally went through his entire imdb list at the time and then made a venn diagram.) electroswing! teachers and professors would have killed for their classes to have the kind of enthusiasm a bunch of mentally ill teenagers and 20-somethings on tunglr dot edu were showing about this one very specific set of subjects. this film also sparked my love of fight scenes. if you've read this fic or this fic and liked the Big Fight Scenes in them, you can thank cap2 for leading me down that path.

and then yes there was also discourse. my personal most hated thing was the above mentioned h*dra tr*sh p*rty (DO NOT GOOGLE THAT, i will just tell you it's nazi rape porn🤢 and i hope everyone involved is having a bad day today) and also the fact that SOME FUCKING PEOPLE can't understand "don't be shitheads about a fanfic where the author can see you doing it." but then ofc people were also sexist about nat and racist about sam and minimalizing those guys (and every other character besides tony really but sometimes him too) for the two white male leads was a whole thing. and on the funnier side of things you had (justifiably, i suppose) bitter st*ny fans who HATED what those two got in avengers and got real mad when stucky started outpacing them on ao3. and people complaining about the characters being too uwu soft. and then other people arguing whether or not barnes counted as disabled when he was missing a Whole arm. and THEN discourse about was it ethical to remove the arm and build him a new one ESPECIALLY without his consent (if people don't know they're being ableist in their fanfics hypothetically is it still ok to kill them with hammers?) and why was tony doing it if that guy killed his parents and is it ok that we keep making tony not that mad about his dead parents is it not enough that barnes stole his limelight as the guy who gets shipped with steve but what if all three of them fucked but can you really fuck the guy who offed your folks but ACTUALLY isn't it cringe to like tony anyway since RDJ and gwenyth paltrow are bad people and who says chris evans are sebastian stan are such good people etcetcetc. and let us not even get started on the plausibility of the avengers tower fanon after age of ultron came out and it turns out nobody became friends and they all still hated and mistrusted each other. and whether or not the avengers could be considered found family if the other characters were constantly getting shafted into being barnes's little support animals. and then ofc every once in awhile one of the actors of people involved creatively would say something ranging from mildly controversial to absolutely horrible on the internet and we'd all fight about THAT for awhile like a dog with a bone. i mean. typical infighting of any fandom tbh.

but i was very happy. it was all the most enormous thought experiment and creative endeavor (and semi-educational adventure??) that we all participated in daily for like two-ish years without stopping ever. i loved doing it. AND, when you click with a piece of media like that, you also click with other people who clicked with that same piece of media, so in addition to the sheer level of dopamine going into my brain at all times i also formed decade-long friendships that will certainly last the entirety of my lifetime, and when we're in our 90s in nursing homes i will be able to say, "we are friends because i wrote 14k of smut for your fanfic" or "we are friends because i couldn't get enough of your gifsets" or whatever because you know, we quite literally went to stucky together.

#liz answers asks #anonymous #personal

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