#Jamie is the worst for context

[icklewolfiekins]

songs from musicals that are the same but also one of them is a good person and one of them is my personal enemy something something anyway it’s Hard to Be the Bard from Something Rotten and Moving Too Fast from The Last Five Years have such similar energy??

[gambitandrogues]

I'm a changed woman ever since I read the words "oh randalicious, harder"

[sysmedsaresexist]

I do not mean to sound stupid, but I read your post "dissociation is not solely trauma-based", and I was wondering if you knew of any sources or books about it? I think I don't fully understand what dissociation is. For exemple, no matter how I look at it, I don't understand how meditation could be considered like anything close to dissociation, simply because it's also used as a grounding technique.

I'm combining two asks here, because I'm going to cover both in one go :) you don't sound stupid.

You've got to start with the understanding that dissociation is a continuum from normal (aka nonpathological) to "abnormal" (I hate that word, but aka pathological). I finally dropped the wild existence of Dr Jamie Marich, clinical trauma specialist and a pro endo, CDD system, who wrote Dissociation Made Simple. Let me quote because the book is actually good.

Yes, dissociation is so hard to understand that she wrote an entire book about the concept.

"The English word dissociation comes from the Latin root dissociātiō, meaning “to sever” or “to separate.” At this point when lecturing, I usually ask my students: What are we severing or separating from when we dissociate? You may take a moment, before reading on, to ask this question of yourself. Try not to think on it too rationally. Listen to your gut-level response...

For the purposes of this opening chapter, let’s focus on the form of separation that every human being can likely relate to —severing or separating from the present moment—especially when the present moment becomes unpleasant, overwhelming, or otherwise painful."

Dissociation is a disconnect from something-- this can be memories, thoughts, emotions, or, in worst cases, reality. The present moment.

Not all meditation is dissociative, but most is. For example, emptiness meditation is about disconnecting from everything in the moment. You are literally fine-tuning your dissociative techniques. This is also true when you're using grounding meditation to disconnect from overwhelming emotions or thoughts to get back into the moment.

There are a variety of tasks that we either develop naturally or learn as a way to achieve some degree of separation (e.g., enough to stay somewhat present but still get some relief, or going further into totally cutting oneself off from in-the-moment presence). Dissociation of this nature is not all or nothing—it generally happens in degrees and can depend upon how much distress you feel in any given context. We can do this by daydreaming, drifting off, zoning out, zoning inward, disengaging eye contact with people, losing focus (especially when driving), or getting a little floaty in many other life circumstances. Some people frame this “floatiness” as similar to hypnotic trance and others feel it is quite distinct. We may even take deliberate steps to enhance the experience of separation. How often have you escaped into a book or a movie, into your phone or computer, or into some activity, because it makes the harshness of dealing with the present moment and the emotions it can elicit somewhat more bearable?

Let me be very clear, if you said yes to this question, this answer does not mean that there is anything wrong with you! All of these can be quite ordinary forms of dissociation that every human being is capable of experiencing.

A really, really good way to understand this concept is actually through maladaptive daydreaming (MADD), a highly addictive form of dissociation.

Indeed for many of us, substances or other behaviors that cause major surges of dopamine (e.g., spending, computer games, sexually acting out) can become the accelerant of dissociation...

Whenever we become accustomed to dissociating, especially as children growing up in complex trauma, our brain becomes bonded or some would even say addicted to that state of escape. Once chemical or other reinforcing behaviors are introduced to us, they can accelerate that already familiar experience and we become further bonded to that behavior.

Daydreaming itself is dissociative. Point blank. It is both the most normal kind of dissociation, and yet the most common maladaptive dissociation.

Daydreaming and journeying into my head’s imaginative scenarios is another series of behaviors that can have both adaptive and maladaptive qualities. As a kid, they kept me safe. As an adult, they are the source of so much of my creative power—yet if I engage them too long, too hard, or too much, I run the risk of getting lost and not being able to attend to what helping professionals might call my activities of daily living (e.g., eating properly, sleeping, taking good care of myself, getting to work, attending to loved ones appropriately and with good boundaries).

Let's cut away from the book really quickly to look at Eli Somer, the guy who came up with MADD.

Maladaptive daydreaming is a dissociative disorder: Supporting evidence and theory.

The only real thing I want to quote is:

Although trauma may be one causal factor, we indicate several other etiological pathways to the development of MD. We discuss associations with related concepts and suggest directions for future research.

And

MD is strongly related to dissociation and seems to rely on an innate tendency for absorptive and imaginative fantasy. Through its rewarding properties, this form of immersive daydreaming becomes abnormal. MD may thus be viewed as a disordered form of dissociative absorption.

While Somer talks about how it can be a behavioral addiction in that paper, I find this is a more succinct description.

Maladaptive Daydreaming: Epidemiological Data on a Newly Identified Syndrome

Maladaptive Daydreaming (MD) is a proposed mental disorder characterized by excessive, compulsive immersion in vivid and complex fantastical daydreamed plots, generating intense emotional involvement, often accompanied by stereotypical movements. This addictive absorption in daydreaming becomes maladaptive as it consumes many hours a day, generates shame or guilt, hinders achievement of short- and long-term goals or tasks, and overall causes clinically significant distress and/or interferes with functioning in social or occupational realms. Maladaptive Daydreamers (MDers) report a strong urge to daydream whenever they can and annoyance whenever they cannot, and, repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop daydreaming, like other behavioral addictions.

And that's the best way to look at DID and other maladaptive, pathological forms of dissociation. It's a behavioral addiction, an escape that we not only crave, but can no longer live without. Just like you can get addicted to working out and gambling, you can become addicted to severing ties with reality through pleasurable (and in some cases, necessary) forms of escape.

I don't know if this is going to make sense, but I've found looking at dissociation like an upside-down iceberg helps me.

At the top, the widest part, is everyone on the planet, and the basic, general concept of dissociation. Severing from the present moment, be it through your phone, book, daydreaming, meditation, zoning out.

As you go down, and it gets narrower, it becomes more important to put names to specific types and forms of dissociation, and fewer people struggle with these forms. In the middle is a confusing mix of seemingly normal and pathological dissociation. You have mediumship, authors with living characters, OCD (yup), ADHD (shocking, I know), MADD, DPDR, (C)PTSD, people on the edge of forming behavioral addictions.

At the bottom, the smallest point, only pathological dissociation, with a much smaller population experiencing it. DID, OSDD, severe and chronic DPDR, DA.

For people that struggle with dissociation... they fell down a hole and travelled all the way to the bottom of the iceberg. What was once a general, normal, human experience became a very specific problem. Over the years, as they travelled deeper, they used and developed a complex mix of various normal dissociative reactions until it eventually became a named, pathological experience.

I sincerely hope that this helps explain and answers both questions ):

Here's another really interesting paper (from none other than, DUNDUNDUN, Colin Ross).

Maladaptive Daydreaming, Dissociation, and the Dissociative Disorders

[kvetchinglyneurotic]

A list of things from my season 1 rewatch, in no particular order (but most of them are about Jamie because he's my special little guy)

Attention to detail! A lot of plot relevant things come up in the background a long time before they're addressed overtly — the news broadcast in the background mentions that Jamie's on loan from Man City in 1x02 (although Ted doesn't seem to be aware of it until 1x06); Roy is shown icing his knee in the background of several shots, ect.

Jamie displays a mixture of genuinely bad behaviour and behaviour that isn't inherently shitty but reads as him being an asshole in light of his general attitude, and might register as worrying outside of that context (thinking he'd have to sleep with whoever bid on him and his clear alarm at the thought; dissociating when Ted yells at him, flinching when Dani goes in for the high-five, his conviction that people (mainly Ted) are playing mind games when they're being nice)

I don't think they had the Amsterdam story planned out when they wrote 1x04 but it fits really well with Jamie's behaviour at the gala. My interpretation is Jamie asked Bex to come so he'd have someone he knows to bid on him/drive up the price but didn't intend for there to be a bidding war with Keeley specifically — he doesn't ask her to bid on him until her and Roy joking about him having to sleep with Cheryl (the older woman) freaks him out, and I think he may have asked initially asked Bex because he knew that as his girlfriend Keeley probably wouldn't bid on him

Cartrick strikes me as kind of similar to James Tartt in a way that might have represented some sense of familiarity, no matter how unpleasant, for Jamie — Jamie's worst behaviour is in 1x03-1x06 when the team is changing around him and he's losing his hold, but at the same time, losing that position of power in 1x06 does seem to mellow him out a bit

Love Rebecca's schemer era and how her better nature seems to slip through in these moments where she's not deliberately trying to scheme (offering Keeley a job, helping Ted through his panic attack)

Ted has grown on me a lot since my first watch through when I honestly found him quite annoying. That being said I still completely understand why Michelle wanted to get a divorce. Aromanticism aside, I would also divorce that man. Sorry Ted.

Forgot how much season 1 makes you want to murder Rupert. I want to murder him so much. Fuck that guy.

Roy and Jamie's mutual hatred era is weirdly hilarious when you know they're going to end up as friends. Aw it's your bestie <3

[indigo-creates-chaos]

Context: now I've seen "metamorphosis" ^^

Oh. Oh no. Icarus. You idiot. You tried to get rid of a demigod and instead (potentially) created a new god. Good job? You dad will be so upset once he figures that out lol

Also. Whither skeletons infront of the portals are a bad sign if Achrien and Aphrien are still throwing books through it. Worst case scenario is Fable intercepting those books and figuring out what's going on which would be bad for everyone else.

And I love Jamie and Athena so much ^^ they care about each other so much and they get to be happy right now which is good.

[lunar-years]

I could possibly have stomached James being back and forgiven apparently, if it wasn't for the casually dropped in statutory rape, what on earth?? The writers were probably trucking along with their "everyone deserves forgiveness" train, meanwhile anyone with a jot of common sense had air raid sirens screaming "DO NOT LET THAT MAN NEAR JAMIE". I'd have been angry with the forgiveness side anyway (we see no signs that James is trying to be a better person or even that hes not going to try and beat the shit out of his son again, for all we know thats a court mandated rehab), but I could have sort of understood it. Adding in that fun little fact made James go from terrible horrific abuser to just completely unforgiveable.

honestly i completely agree with you. I know this is a very divisive arc and there were people who genuinely loved where they took it because it resonated with them in some way, especially for some people who have been through similar experiences and appreciated the recognition that someone like James could successfully change. I really try to accept and understand fans who have that opinion and I want to be very clear that I both recognize addiction is a disease and think there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to or actually forgiving your abuser. Each situation is different! People suffering from addiction can absolutely recover! Individuals need to do what is right for them in their real actual lives, etc.

That said, the parts I loathe about the Jamie & James arc, from my own personal opinion, are:

any sort of relationship Jamie and James may have moving forward post-canon is inherently a complex one, but the writers did not address the conclusion of the arc complexly. At all. Instead it was "oh everything conveniently worked out and here they are happy and together" wrapped up in a 10 second flash-forward which is just...no.

there is absolutely no evidence that James' violence stems directly from his addiction. there is nothing to say a sober James isn't every bit as abusive as a drunken James. There is no indication that Jamie isn't putting himself back into a situation that is downright unsafe, or that he isn't at risk of coming into harm and being deeply hurt all over again. there is nothing to say James hasn't tried rehab before, and relapsed.

James never apologizes or owns up to his actions onscreen.

Jamie's decision to forgive his dad comes at a time when he's in a very vulnerable place mentally, having just come off a canonical depressive episode. He consults no one about forgiving his father apart from Ted, who is quite literally the worst person on the show he could have consulted (no offense, Ted, it's just that the man is incapable of being objective when it comes to Jamie and the father&son of it all). The decision isn't being made in a healthy state of mind and Jamie hasn't rallied a support group around him before taking the leap. From what we see on screen, he seemingly doesn't tell anyone that he's going to visit his dad in rehab.

there's a way that all of this can make sense. I can make sense of why Ted, with his own heaping helping of daddy issues, would give Jamie the advice he does. I can see why Jamie (again, in a vulnerable place) would take it! why he decides the right thing to do is to reach out to his dad! I can see him going to visit. I can imagine that visit going well or going poorly, can see James' stint in rehab being mandated, or also him checking himself it. But at the end of the day, those scenarios are all imagined! none of that nuanced context is provided on the show. Rather, the presentation and messaging are hasty and in my person opinion, flat-out dangerous. They lead the casual viewer to read Ted's advice as good (it categorically isn't), and Jamie as Doing the Right and Responsible Thing, when it's a hell of a lot more complicated that that.

it is also weird and complicated to have Jamie take Ted's advice over his mum's, who in the same episode, mind you, told him James was never ever going to change. again, we can jump through hoops to make sense of it, but we shouldn't have to.

there's absolutely a pattern of abuse being weirdly minimized on ted lasso/victims forgiving their abusers and i think that's gross. you can't claim to be a comedy show that dares to tackle real, tough issues in one breath and then expect us to laugh off abuse (Jane/Beard) in the next. Sometimes it's like they change what kind of show they want to be scene by scene, lol.

as you point out, in my opinion it is completely batshit on the writer's part to have introduced "btw Jamie's dad, who we've previously established beats him and verbally abuses him, ALSO proxy raped him when he was 14!" in the same season in which you plan to have Jamie forgive said father (with next to no buildup or context) just a few episodes later. Like, yes, let's add even deeper layers to Jamie's tragic backstory before we wash it away in feel-good reunion tosh! just, ew. what on earth were they thinking.

So all in all, I think the arc could have been successful if the writers had known where they were going with it from the beginning of the season and given it the kind of care that sort of storyline demands. However they didn't do that, and the end message is incredibly harmful as a result.

[fanficfanattic]

Goal, Chance and/or Away (purely taking words from this football commentary rn lol)

I am once again impressed with the gems my recent word challenges have excavated. Six fic snippets under the cut.

Goal

1. From a fic where a newly returned Jamie sees a man drug a lady’s drink at a bar and intervenes. But without context it just looks like Jamie got in a bar fight.

He knows it plays into the idea that he is a prima donna, a moody little bitch, feels like its proof that he’s more trouble than he’s worth. But he can’t help laying in bed; with the team that can barely stand him downstairs watching a movie, while he’s been fucking grounded to his room like the child Roy always said he was, and feeling desperately alone.

He hadn’t cared about being alone, before Ted. During most of his time with Ted, even. His dad had always made him either actively drive people away or that was just the practical application of conforming to his demands. He’d been used to it. It was all he’d ever known.

And then Keeley said he should stop battling the people trying to help him. And he sacrificed the reminder he’d taken from home, of home, when he left it. And danced around a bonfire after Roy Kent said he was right about something. Dani had thrown his arm around him. He’d sung with the lads…

It was fun, and it made it hurt even more when the next day he’d gone back to how it had always been. He didn’t tell Ted how much time he’d spent fantasizing about what it would have been like to have gotten to stay. To develop those tiny first buds of friendships.

To have never relegated Richmond. To be playing in the now with his teammates but versions of them he’d grown alongside for months. Who never got extra pissed at him for shit talking them on tv, and destroying their Captain’s career, for sending them down.

To be trusted. Before, the only thing a team had cared about was wether they could trust him to score. Which was still technically true. But they hadn’t ever wanted more from him, and he certainly hadn’t been putting extra out there for free. Besides he hadn’t trusted anyone else much either. Maybe Man City to be good players and to work together towards a common goal. And Richmond to pass him the ball to score the first time around.

Now he trusted Dani to smile at him even when no one else would. He trusted Jeff to subtly nod, but not more than that, because he had greeted Jamie when he returned before realizing how mad everyone else was at him. Not that Jamie blamed him. He’d gone out of his way to message the man saying the small nod was probably better for both of them.

He hadn’t realized it until the moment Ted didn’t even let him talk that he’d trusted the man to be fair. He talked a good talk, but he had trouble walking the good walk, and was pretty lousy at both when it came to Jamie.

2. Now that the team has been gelling, and Roy understands how Jamie’s mind works more, he’s got a plan to run circles around West Ham.

“Kent, the fuck mate! You said you could keep in position!”

“Fuck you Tartt! Maybe if you weren’t-“

They had been yelling about the play in the heat of being pissed off at each other. Jamie had telegraphed the pass to Roy very clearly. And the defender who was supposed to be on the left, loosely marking Sam, tore off to be another line of defense between Roy Kent and their goal.

Unfortunately for them, even when Roy and him had been out for blood against each other, they’d have never been that stupid. Jamie doesn’t even twist his body fully the way it should be for the kick. It still rolls smoothly to Sam who buries it in the back of the net from his completely cleared lane.

Chance

1. From the Investigative Journalist epic.

“…for as long as I remember, when I heard people say things, I always thought they meant it however the worst possible way is. But a lot of people say it while meaning it in the best possible way turns out.”

“And how does this relate back to you thinking people are rude when they talk around a subject?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m trying to do that more.”

“What more?”

“Identify when I’m doing that kind of thinking that what someone is doing is the worst version it could be. So, society probably isn’t trying to be rude by talking around things. I think it’s accidentally rude.”

“Do you mean incidentally?”

“What’s the difference?”

“They both mean something happened by chance. Accidental implies that the thing happened by carelessness while incidental indicates it would still happen this way even if people were taking care.”

“I think people want to believe it’s that last one but I believe it’s more often the first one. Cause I can be the same way. I normally don’t think much before talking, and if I did that more, I’d say things differently or maybe not say anything at all.”

2. This is also from the platonic a/b/o fic I didn’t realize had so many scenes already sketched out. The scenario is that James had a shady doctor prescribing Jamie pills that included an (i fucking guess) untraceable dynamic suppression med. When his dad is too busy to deal with a refill, Jamie asks Richmond’s med team to prescribe him a new vitamin pack.

“Oh that bastard. I’m gonna kill him this time, Simon, I am!”

“Georgie, c’mon, let’s focus on Jamie now and murdering later, yeah?”

“Fine, fine! So doctor, what about that? Like I believe his father would hurt him, cause that’s his way, but the how doesn’t make any sense. With vitamins?”

“Well, we don’t know if there is anything different between the vitamins his dad got for him and what we provided here. The best way to find out is with a blood test.

And you’re Jamie’s medical health proxy. So-“

“Yes, you’ve got my. You need to do a blood draw? Run tests?”

“Yes ma’am. You’re granting permission for the draw?”

“Yes, of course. What the fuck. How-how soon will you know? Does he have to go to hospital? It’ll take us almost four hours to get there. Do we-“

“Georgie, she can’t answer any questions if you don’t give her a chance, love. Take another deep breath for me, okay? In and in and in. Hold and hold and hold. Out and out and out. Okay, again.” And after she kept at it, he addressed the doctor again.

3. From that evil fic I teased about. I’ve played coy about what happened before now but you caught me! Rebecca walks onto the practice pitch ‘without Jamie’, Ted notes to himself.

“Jamie’s parents were in a car accident this morning. That’s why I called for him. His mother is being held overnight for observation and is quite understandably shaken. She called Man City to get a hold of Jamie, and when she explained what was going on she was able to talk with Pep. He promised he’d talk to Jamie so she could rest.

And then he called me directly.”

It was silent for a moment, and she was tempted to look around to better gauge player reactions. She kept her eyes on Ted, instead, because his was both more important and certainly more interesting. As she’d begun her story, he’d paled alarmingly.

And he failed to spill forth some folksy American tale to talk circles around everyone. Instead he hoarsely asked only one question.

“And his father?”

It gave away a weakness he had, which Rebecca was sure he neither realized he’d done nor that it was one. And why would he be worried about that, she reminded herself, when he also doesn’t realize he’s in game of your making.

“Ah, I should have been more precise in my language. His biological father divorced his mother when he was still an infant, I’ve been informed. It was his stepfather that was driving and took the brunt of the impact. He died on scene.”

She didn’t say it icily or meanly. She just said it without warmth. And that impacted the players more than she’d thought possible. Unfortunately it took time for her to understand that, because at the moment everyone just appeared to be in shock.

Ted didn’t ask anymore questions, and the silence was getting uncomfortable even for her.

“Well, since she took her late husband’s last name, there is a chance this won’t make the papers without the name Tartt attached. Still, if it does, Keeley made some excellent points about how we want to look. So no one go on your socials until she’s spoken with you.

Back to training now.” And she turned to walk away, not once looking back.

Away

1. ^ Chance #3

2. ^ Goal #1

3. I shamelessly stole this idea from a fic where Ted has Jamie stay with Roy in a similar manner as hockey players sometimes do? Apparently. So season 2 Jamie returns to Richmond. And Ted cooks up a thing where Jamie is going to room with Sam. Help them get their differences settled. And then…and then James Tartt shows up.

Jamie sort of unthinkingly says “Oh, Ted knows about me da’”. And Sam is sure that Jamie must have misunderstood what happened until he hears about Ted walking away but sending the soldier. And the conversation Jamie and Ted had in the Crown & Anchor.

[abarbaricyalp]

sambucky + 12. babysitting together 👀 if you like!

Oh, fun! Since this came from this forced proximity list I did it a little different than going a Wilson Family route.

(That said, I do have several Wilson Family fics 💜)

I'm sorry this is so so so late. I forgot how to write. Or really even think

Waltz of the Bees

Sam wasn't even aware that the library could close in the middle of the afternoon.

This stupid project just kept getting better and better. Which was probably his fault because he'd said something stupid after getting paired with Bucky Barnes, like that it couldn't get any worse. This was the universe laughing at him over and over. They were a month away from graduating and Sam was going to be stuck working with Bucky for most of it.

True, they could just not try with this project. It's not like it was really going to affect their GPA and they were both already accepted into their colleges. (College. That's where this whole cruel joke had started. Bucky was going to the same school Sam was) But they were both categorically incapable of not trying. This whole weird tension between them was born out of their inability to not try.

Sam had transferred to this school at the beginning of sophomore year and the next three years were a battle between him and Bucky for top marks. Bucky scored a chemistry award over Sam. The baseball coach took Bucky away from pitching to put Sam in. Sam took the basketball team to the state quarterfinals. Bucky placed at state in the high jump. Sam created a robotics club and Bucky won a pretentious English scholarship. This teacher adored Bucky, that one thought Sam might've created the moon and its gravitational pull on the tides.

He and Bucky had managed to avoid each other for the most part. They didn't sit near each other in class and, other than during baseball season, their extracurriculars didn't overlap. And now, thanks to this awful Modern History project, they were tangled together for the last part of their high school careers.

Possibly the worst part was that Bucky was fine. Nice, even. He was studious and friendly. He actually put in his part of the work, which was kind of a double-edged sword since it meant they were both passionate about various decisions and both of them were bad at the 'kill your darlings' part of the creative process. They argued about little things constantly, but the project as a whole was looking fantastic. So Sam couldn't even hate the actual work.

What he could gripe about was that Bucky was nosy. He asked a thousand questions about Sam and committed all the answers to memory. Walking into the Barnes house, because the library was inexplicably closed, Sam wished he had the same habit because he knew nothing about Bucky's life.

Like the fact that he had five sisters.

Or the fact that not everyone called him Bucky.

Bucky's two older sisters and his mom called him Jamie, while his three younger sisters and dad called him Bucky. The two baby nieces just babbled and anything with a B or U sound was interpreted as Bucky's name.

There were a lot of people in Bucky's house. Sam had known plenty of big families but never in a context where he was sitting in the house with them. And there were so many girls.

Sam also learned Bucky wasn't allowed to have boys in his room and the suggestive reminder of that from one of his older sisters was enough to make him blush furiously and scowl at her as he elbowed Sam back out of the kitchen. And, oh, Sam hadn't known that about Bucky either.

"Alright, Jamie, we're heading out," Mrs. Barnes said. "The show should be over around nine and we're going to get dinner after. We'll bring you and Sam something back." She ruffled Bucky's hair and leaned over to kiss his head afterwards.

"The girls need to be in bed by--" his oldest sister started to say.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Bucky waved off. "And Sam probably won't be here by the time you all get back." He gave his second oldest sister a hug and wished her good luck, then pulled on his twin little sisters' braids. Rebecca, the sister Sam knew from school, had escaped a few minutes earlier, off to a friend's house. She'd also had waggly suggestive eyebrows for Bucky when she and Sam had passed earlier. Sam had no idea what that meant, but it brought out the same blush and scowl.

Everyone else filed out of the house and suddenly the bustling, too small space became far too large. Especially when the older niece suddenly shot across the room like a rocket as soon as the door was closed.

"Gus-Gus!" Bucky called, hurrying after her while Sam still tried to fathom how something so small could move so fast.

The baby was in a small rocker by the couch and she watched Sam with the same crazy blue eyes that Bucky had. Most of the Barneses had those eyes. Becca and Mr. Barnes were the only exceptions. Sam was pretty sure the odds of that happening, genetically speaking, must've been astronomically low and yet. Augusta, the toddler, also had dark eyes, but she didn't sit still long enough to let anyone know it.

"How are you this evening?" Sam asked the baby. She grinned at him and then giggled wildly, kicking her little legs hard enough to get the rocker started. "Well, I'm glad to hear it," Sam continued, which just made her laughter that much louder. "You don't happen to have any opinions on Mutant Rights do you?" When the baby just kept giggling and chewing on a teething ring, Sam sighed. "I thought not. It's too bad. You would have been an interesting interview source."

"You're not really getting to recruit my niece into our project are you?" Bucky asked from somewhere behind the couch.

"She volunteered. She was interested in it," Sam defended lightly.

Bucky reappeared on the right side of the couch, holding his older niece. "Sorry about this. I don't know if it's better to get everyone out of the house or worse to be forced into babysitting with me."

"I don't mind," Sam said honestly. "Down in Louisiana, my mama had an open-door policy. Anyone who needed a place to stay for a little while was welcome in our house. I've done plenty of babysitting."

Bucky sat beside Sam, keeping Augusta in his lap and offering his fingers up as captives for her attention. "Right," he agreed, even though there was no way he could've known that. "Still, thanks for coming over. I know some of your friends from the team were doing something tonight."

Sam barely kept a grimace off his face. "Trust me, I wasn't going to that either. I'm not driving to a field to drink shitty beer. Could've stayed in Louisiana and done that."

Bucky shot him an almost shy smile and then pulled open his laptop on the coffee table. He passed it off to Sam when he opened the project file again. For the past week, they'd been conducting interviews with people who'd been there to see Leshner and Xavier go head to head in debates. They’d been trying to transcribe them, but it was slow work between all their other commitments. Luckily, the rest of the project had come together on its own without the interview quotes, so they weren’t too far behind.

“Do you think we have any homo Superior classmates?” Bucky offered up while Sam was in the middle of parsing out a name.

“I dunno,” he said with a shrug. “It’s not my business.”

“You ever think you were one?”

“I thought I could talk to birds when I was a kid.”

He could feel Bucky staring at him and he let it marinate a bit. “What, like you understood them?”

“Yeah, like what they were singing about and everything. And they understood me. Mostly, I was a bored kid with a second story window,” he admitted. “But it was fun to pretend.”

Augusta squawked like a bird and then giggled to herself. Sam smiled at her and chirped back and she copied the noise. “Yeah,” he agreed. “It was just like that.”

Bucky ruffled Augusta’s dark hair and moved her to the other side of the couch again so he could sit closer to Sam. They fell into another productive silence, broken only by Bucky pointing out when Sam transcribed something incorrectly.

“It just…it would suck, don’t you think?” Bucky interrupted again. “To be a mutant and have to watch some of your dipshit classmates talk about the fight for your basic recognition and protection.”

Sam’s eyebrows rose slowly. “We do it with the Civil Rights movement every year,” he pointed out. “And in the debate classes, someone always has to argue against something that should be innate. Healthcare, marriage equality, taxes for the stupidly rich.”

Bucky’s mouth twisted and he sat back heavily. “It just sucks. Other people are talking about super soldiers and spy rings.”

“We’re not taking a side. We’re just delivering information. Besides, I’m not a dipshit, so we’ll be fine.”

Bucky snorted and pushed a hand through his hair. It was longer than he’d ever worn it and Sam wondered if he was going to cut it back to his normal pomp and fluff before graduation. He played with it now, as he thought or while he was waiting for Sam to finish talking so he could argue or as he stood in front of the vending machine and worked out how to shake a snack free.

“You have a homo Superior friend you’re trying to protect?” Sam asked to distract himself from Bucky’s hair.

“Nah,” Bucky said with a shake of his head. He released the lock of hair he had been crimping between his fingers. “With Xavier’s school being in New York, I think most of them just go there. I wonder about your old school.”

“Louisiana has its own schools,” Sam said. “It’s not like X and Magneto are the only ones out there. A kid I used to go to summer camp with was a mutant. He was pulled out of our school before seventh grade but he kept coming back to camp. He had, like, lava in his veins. We always made him get into the pool first to warm up the water. He ran so hot.”

Augusta mimed an explosion, making a bursting noise as she threw her arms wide. Bucky quickly reached out to steady the small lamp on the end table. When the toddler yanked on his shirt, he leaned over to listen as she babbled nonsense. Sam had not inherited his mother’s ability to understand babies. Old people, no problem. Lisps and stutters, easy. Listening to his dumbass friends after they’d caught a linedrive to the mouth and had more gauze than teeth in their gums, sure. But babies were something else. He just took in their facial expressions and went from there.

“A phoenix,” Bucky said with a nod. Which, how he got any semblance of a question from the girl was beyond Sam. But that was closer than the fact that Augusta knew enough about phoenixes to ask about them.

She jumped up from the couch, threw her arms wide like wings, made the explosion noise again, and then took off, shouting Feeeeeeeeenix over and over.

“She’s gonna think she can talk to birds for years now,” Bucky said to Sam. Sam couldn’t tell if he was exasperated or fond as he shot an exasperated/fond half glare to him before following after the toddler again.

“Your uncle is difficult to read,” Sam told the baby next to him. He’d expected her to have drifted off, but she was still wide eyed and attentive. She blinked at him and smiled softly. "Do you think so too or does he just do that for me?"

June blew a raspberry and then brought a teething toy to her mouth instead of giving him any more information. Sam sighed and turned back to the laptop in front of him. Bucky's computer was as chaotic as his backpack. Nothing was organized and there were five different sets of browser tabs open, all full of research and YouTube links and documents. He clicked away from the transcription page, fully intending to go back to their PowerPoint, but he got distracted by a tab in the far left corner called Compos'R. He clicked over to it before he could convince himself not to be nosy. Bucky had dug through his journal the other day anyway.

The website was a simple affair, like one of a half dozen Sam used for drafting essays. No frills, no distractions. But instead of writing, it was full of sheet music. Lines and lines of complicated notes and piano riffs. Sam used to sing in his daddy's church choir–the ability had left him when his voice dropped–but he never learned to play an instrument and he'd never seen hymns with music this intricate. The piece was called “English Class Tango,” which helped Sam find the beat of the notes.

He'd noticed a piano tucked away near a window in what he assumed was supposed to be a dining room but had been converted into a pseudo-office. He hadn't really thought about it, except to think that it was adding to the cluttered, claustrophobic feeling of the house. Now, he couldn't stop thinking about it. About Bucky curled over the keys, papers strewn around him as he tried a bar over and over again. He thought about Bucky in the sleep clothes he sometimes showed up to early Saturday practices in, playing the piano in the middle of the night. Did he ever get kicked out when someone had to take a meeting? Did he have to cherish stolen moments in a shared space? Or was he good enough that no one even minded him playing while they worked?

Down the side of the webpage, there were tabs to other songs. "Waltz With Bees (under the trees and sun)" and "Just A Little Peace" and "Junebug, 3am" and "Triumph in Red," which was a title Sam recognized. Not from Bucky or music. It's what the newspapers had called Sam after a run of games where he had made several spectacular plays. Why would Bucky name one of his songs after Sam's compliment?

He navigated to that sheet music. It was less complicated than the tango, but Sam could tell it would sound more voluminous. There was a play button at the top of the screen. It wasn’t necessarily sitting there pulsing and glowing and begging him to press it, but he did so anyway. Logically, Sam knew he and Bucky had had the volume up to help with the transcriptions, but he hadn’t expected the music to blare out like that. He scrambled to get the volume turned down, which he did just in time to hear Bucky shout out his name. But his voice was far away, down the other end of the house, maybe changing Augusta’s diaper or something. So Sam kept the music playing.

It was like something from a movie. The brash entrance bars were soon dialed back to a lilting, easy melody that Sam just knew in his bones. It was the wind and the sunshine and the butterflies of an early day warm up. It was the scrapping of the field and the sprinklers sputtering to life. And then the music got faster, the notes got more intense and heavy, the pounding adrenaline of a game getting started, the thrumming of a crowd. And that crack of a bat that had started the song. The sailing melodic rush of hope in the form of high keys as Sam ran back to the wall, glove outstretched, fighting to find the ball in the sunshine. The decrescendo of the out nestled in Sam’s glove.

“Wilson!” Bucky snapped again, closer this time.

Sam quickly paused the music and tried to get back to the tab with their transcription page. But he couldn’t do it with shaking fingers and, at the same time, June began to wail. Sam almost went to cover his ears but decided instead to reach out to the baby. She grabbed his hand but didn’t stop crying.

“Junebug,” Sam heard from behind him. And then, “Gus!” again and the patter of small feet and then bigger feet as Bucky retreated once more.

Sam looked back for the visual confirmation that he was alone in this and then just decided to pull June out of her seat. Babies liked to be held, right? She continued to cling onto Sam and even put her tiny, incredibly heavy, head on his shoulder but still kept crying.

“I don’t know what to do for you,” he apologized a little desperately. “I don’t know how to feed you or change you.” He wasn’t even sure which room was the nursery, though he imagined he could follow Augusta’s shrieking laughter.

June reached over Sam’s shoulder and Sam followed her gaze to the piano. “I’m sorry, kiddo. I don’t play piano and I don’t think Uncle Bucky would appreciate you crawling all over it without him.”

This just made June sob louder. Sam sat down on the couch and continued to gently bounce the baby on his shoulder as he looked at Bucky’s laptop again. He’d managed to click out of “Triumph in Red'' but the tab was still on Compos’R. He went to the waltz songbook and hit play. As soon as the notes were loud enough for June to hear them over her own crying, she settled down. It was a softer song. Again, Sam could practically hear the bees dancing around Bucky’s head in the shade of a tree on a sunny day. Or maybe Augusta’s head. Or Becca’s. Had Bucky watched Becca twirl aimlessly under a tree as she danced away from playful, sated bees?

He stood with June against his shoulder and began to turn in a simple waltz. His parents both believed that the only things someone really needed to know was how to properly eat spaghetti in company and how to dance at any function. Most of Sam’s childhood memories involved standing on his daddy’s feet while he held onto Sarah’s hands–her on their mama’s feet–while their parents danced together, explaining steps and beats to them. It had not been useful at junior high dances when no one else knew what they were doing, but Sam held his own at prom.

June was peacefully quiet. Her little fingers curled in Sam’s shirt as she clung to him and part of his collar wound up in her mouth, but he didn’t mind. So long as she wasn’t still crying.

It took three more turns for Sam to find Bucky standing in in the entryway, staring at Sam like Sam might’ve hung the moon just for him. Sam’s steps faltered a little and June seemed like she was taking in a breath to cry, so he righted himself, just made his waltz a little tighter so he could keep Bucky in his eyeline more often.

“I think she’s gonna be a dancer when she grows up,” he offered when Bucky didn’t speak after a few more bars.

“She likes music. She always has. It’s usually the only thing that calms her down. Other than food and a diaper change,” Bucky agreed. The moment of awe and adoration seemed to have passed and he came over to the other side of the couch to turn off his music. “What were you doing snooping around my things?” he asked and took June from Sam in the same moment, which staved off any impending meltdown.

"It's hardly snooping when you left me with your laptop. Why do you keep so much open anyway?"

Bucky made a face. "What am I supposed to do? Remember all the shit I wanted to look at?"

"You could save them as bookmarks."

"You actually use your bookmarks? If I'm not staring at the page, I don't remember it exists. It has to stay up."

Sam rolled his eyes and sat back in the couch while Bucky tried to juggle the laptop and his niece. The inequity between them didn't last long. Augusta came running up from the other side of the couch and crashed into Sam's legs.

"I dance!" she shouted. "I dance, I dance, I dance!"

Sam almost nudged her away with a suggestion she show them before he realized she meant she wanted to dance with him. So he scooped her up in a grand twirl and let her laugh herself breathless. The same kind of adoring look was on Bucky's face when Sam turned to look at him again. He took it as permission to keep spinning in wild circles with Augusta.

About the time that Augusta had laughed herself into exhaustion, June realized what was going on and voiced her own disagreement. Bucky tried to quiet her down by bouncing her on his hip or blowing raspberries on her shoulder or tickling her cheeks, but she wasn’t having any of it. She made grabby hands towards Sam and bawled louder when he didn’t immediately reach back for her.

Sam and Bucky looked at each other. Bucky looked apologetic but helpless and he held the baby further out to Sam. With a sigh, Sam put Augusta down on the couch, making a show out of her ‘crashing’ down, and bundled her up in a blanket. He took June then and cuddled her close before beginning to gently dance again. She settled instantly. Augusta finished digging her way out of the blanket and stood on the couch next to Bucky, peering at his laptop, which he’d picked up again. A few seconds later, the same song waltz began to play.

“I didn’t know you were a composer,” Sam said quietly over the baby’s head. “Or that you played piano at all.”

“Yeah, most people don’t, unless they go to church with us,” Bucky agreed. “I don’t talk about it a lot. Doesn’t have anything to do with school.”

“Yeah, but you’re really good,” Sam insisted. “I mean, is that what you want to do in college?”

Bucky shrugged, set aside his laptop, and picked up Augusta. She was nodding off again, the momentary rush of adrenaline wearing off. He picked up the same easy waltz Sam was doing and copied him on the other side of the living room. “I’ve thought about it. I don’t know.”

“You should,” Sam insisted. “At least as an extra-curricular or a minor or something.”

Bucky snorted. “A Fine Arts minor. I think that’s a lot of work for very little reward.”

Which, yeah, probably, Sam agreed to himself. How were there so many hidden depths to someone Sam had always figured was very…ken-doll like? Sisters and nicknames and a notable amount of empathy for people he didn’t know and a hidden talent and eyes that were way more expressive than Sam had ever given him credit for. Turns out, they weren’t just ridiculously blue.

“Is she out?” Bucky asked, nodding towards June. “We could probably get them both in bed at the same time.”

Sam nodded. He didn’t have to check. She’d gone from weighing almost nothing to being like a sack of potatoes a few minutes ago. He followed Bucky down the hall of the house, trying-not-trying to peek into the rooms to catch a glimpse of Bucky’s. Earlier this afternoon, he would’ve assumed it looked like a locker room, but now he wasn’t so sure. He felt like he wasn’t sure about anything to do with Bucky.

“Hey,” he said, putting June in the crib and pulling the blanket up to her waist. (But not near her face, he knew that was a rule, right?) “Which one of your sisters has the kids?”

“The oldest,” Bucky said. “April.”

“Right. Is that why she chose more month names? I mean, that’s not a pattern in your family right?”

“Definitely not,” Bucky agreed. “She was the only month name. But she always thought it would be so cute if her and her daughter had the same kind of name. She was going to go with Julia for a while, but she thought it wasn’t obvious enough. There’s always the next one.”

“Could always go with Jan,” Sam suggested. “And May obviously.”

“She didn’t want April and May,” Bucky explained. “Even though I thought it’d be hilarious.”

“But she’d be willing to do June, July, and August?”

Bucky shrugged as he turned on a castle shaped nightlight and turned off the overhead light. They stepped into the hallway and Bucky pulled the door three-quarters of the way shut. “You wanna sit in my room for a while? I mean, unless you wanted to put on the TV or something,” he offered.

“Your room sounds fine,” Sam said and hoped it didn’t sound as quick as it felt.

If it did, Bucky didn’t react. He opened a door at the end of the hall, closer to the living room again, and gestured inside while he went to get his laptop. In actuality, Sam wasn’t that far off in his assumption about Bucky’s room. It was fairly messy and he had clothes and pieces of uniform thrown all over and a baseball mitt crushing open the book they were supposed to be reading in English class. But there was a lot that Sam wasn’t expecting. A lot of books. A lot of journals. He had a whole pinboard full of scraps of paper with quotes or doodles on them. There were also a lot of blankets. More blankets than Sam could really start to count.

“I know the guys rag on you for always bringing a blanket on away-games, but do you have some kind of thyroid problem?” Sam asked when Bucky walked back in.

Bucky snorted again and threw himself across his bed. His music was still playing from his laptop, soft and quiet, the perfect background to his bedroom. “I just hate being cold,” he said.

“Sounds like you could use a phoenix yourself,” Sam joked.

“Unfortunately, I have you and you are no furnace.”

“Hey now!” Sam objected. He sat down on the corner of Bucky’s bed. The computer kept his attention for a few seconds before he was looking across all of Bucky’s things strewn around the room. He reached down for a very well loved beanie baby that seemed to be crawling under the bed. It was a white cat with floppy legs and long whiskers. Sam tossed it at Bucky and he ran his thumb over its head and back absently until he realized what he was doing and shoved it under his pillow. All these blankets and he only had one pillow on the whole bed.

“Anyway, I was thinking for our conclusion slides, we could talk about some younger activists,” Bucky said, turning the laptop to half face Sam. “I know we’re supposed to focus on the old guys, but their whole motive was building a better world for others. You know, however misguided they might have gone about it.”

“You’re very forgiving of these guys. I mean, you see a bunch of nuance that everyone has just reduced them down to facts in a book.”

Bucky looked up at Sam with a frown. “You do the same thing,” he muttered. “It’s not like I’m giving them much more grace than you.”

“No, I guess not,” Sam agreed. Though he mostly was thinking of them more critically because of this project. Other than that no one’s existence should be legislated and it was pretty damn rich for homo Sapiens to say that because some homo Superiors were violent it was a mark against all of them. “I guess I just didn’t expect you to put so much thought into this project.”

Bucky leaned back on his bed and leveled a stare on Sam. God, those eyes were unfair. Sam tried to not squirm. “Why’s that, Wilson?”

“I mean, you don’t have to. Neither of us do. You doing well is just gonna help me too.”

“So?” Bucky prodded.

“So I figured you’ve been trying to get a leg up on me for three years. I know you were the golden boy before I showed up and happened to be into all the same things you were.”

Bucky’s relaxed sprawl tensed suddenly and his obnoxious eyebrows creased down. “What?” he asked and sat up in an ungainly flail of limbs. “You think I was battling you?”

“I mean…yeah?” Sam said with his own frown forming. “I couldn’t turn in an assignment without you finding extra credit to add to yours.”

“And you thought that was me trying to one-up you?” Bucky asked again.

Sam threw an arm up in the air. It brought the corner of a deep blue blanket up too and he batted it off of his leg. “Yes! Obviously I did! Last year, when I was having that fantastic season and was a shoe in for All-State? You had the most phenomenal second half of a season ever. You qualified just based on six games!”

“I wasn’t trying to outshine you!” Bucky insisted. “I was trying to impress you!”

Sam came up short. The blanket somehow came over his leg again. “What?” he asked. He wasn’t even sure how the word came out because his brain was just static. Like the noise after a train runs into a wall, because that’s more or less what had happened in his brain. “What?” he repeated.

“Everything I’ve done since you moved in has been to make you notice me! I wanted you to think I was cool and talented. That I could keep up with you.” Bucky pushed his hands through his hair and stood jerkily. “Oh my God, no wonder you’ve hated me.”

“I wouldn’t say hate,” Sam defended. Just, kind of, like, really irritated by.

“I have been trying so hard to make you notice me and the whole time you were purposely looking the other way,” Bucky continued. “It’s been three years!”

Sam’s frown turned defensive. “That’s not my fault! You could’ve just talked to me! Maybe then I’d have known you have sisters you’re close with and you care about protecting people you don’t know and you’re always cold!”

Bucky flushed deeper red–which only made his eyes bluer, absurd–and he looked away from Sam. “I didn’t think I could,” he admitted. “You’re so cool and your friends are cool and you never looked at me.”

“My friends are idiots,” Sam said. “My best friend lives in Montana on a ranch and I get to see him, like, three times a year. He’s nothing like the people I hang out with at school.”

“You’ve never mentioned that.”

“And you’ve never mentioned that you play piano,” Sam retorted. He stood and took one step towards Bucky before taking two back.

Bucky crossed the distance between them. His eyes dropped from Sam’s face quickly. He reached for the middle of Sam’s shirt and curled his fingers in the material gently. “I think we kind of fucked this up.”

Sam tilted his head in acknowledgement even though Bucky couldn’t see him. He brought his fingers up to Bucky’s shoulder, just so he could get Bucky’s eyes on him again. “Maybe we could start over,” he suggested. “Hi, I’m Sam Wilson. I think we have a lot of common interests.”

Bucky’s mouth twitched into something that was almost a smile. “Hi, Sam. I’m Bucky. What things do we have in common? ‘Cause you seem a lot cooler than me. And hotter.”

Sam laughed. “Well, baseball,” he said. “We could go throw a ball around now and then if you wanted. And I know you’re good at mech-shop projects. I like circuitry stuff, which is just mech but smaller.”

“I dunno about that, Wilson,” Bucky teased. “But maybe I could watch you work a little. See what it was all about.”

“Could probably use your ridiculously long fingers for something,” Sam pointed out.

Bucky’s fingers tightened in Sam’s shirt. “Yeah, they’re good for a lot of thing,” he promised in a purr, which made Sam laugh again. “I can think of something else we have in common.”

“What’s that?” Sam asked.

“My nieces are obsessed with both of us. I’ll make music and you can dance.”

Sam dropped his arms around Bucky’s neck. “That sounds ideal,” he said. “I could teach you how to dance too,” he offered. “In case I’m ever not available.”

Bucky slid his arms around Sam’s waist. “Now, that sounds ideal,” he corrected in a sigh and pulled Sam closer. “I’m a very good student.”

Sam tried not to shiver. Failed miserably. “I know,” he breathed. “But I’ll still go slow.”

“That’s okay with me,” Bucky said. “I like being near you.”

“Especially when I’m looking at you?”

“Especially then,” Bucky agreed. He brought his eyes up to Sam’s face and grinned when Sam was already looking at him.

They, and the bees, waltzed.

[krisbianbitchface]

Ok so to warm my heart a little from the coldness of knowing I will have to wait 2 years to see dear Rhaenyra again I have started watching Game of Thrones,I was not very fond of it when it came out however now I am older and just desiring to binge watch anything to get myself to sleep and I have a few thoughts I need to get out of my head or maybe opinions,it might me a little over the top since of course I am a lesbian drama queen and I live to complain,im only in season 3 almost ending the season...

I fucking hate that kid bran,he takes soooo much screen time just to retell dreams and look like that snarky kid that throws random stuff on the ground in Walmart with a stupid look on his face (I really Wish Jamie would have killed his ass)

Melissandre is the most interesting character of the series,so witty and cruel in the best way,I was shocked when she killed that king with her baby demon and absolutely smitten,I love cruel women.

Jon Snow is the most boring character I have EVER witnessed in the story of television and trust me I've been there since Xena Warrior Princess graced the screens,just no goals,no path,no big dick or small dick energy,no energy AT ALL,just a big fat ugly Hero complex that I just can't stand because the actor has the same expression everytime no matter what happens,even having a boner with a cute girl cuddling his dick he is 😐 like gtfo of my face

Cersei is second to Melissandre in the scale of bad bitches,she is just so fucking resented and hot,everything she says sounds like wind chimes even if she is sending a child to his death,I cant help but want her to hate fuck me and call me a fagg0t and then tell me Im the worst fuck she's ever had and just use me again.

Dragons...Should I say more? I started the series of House of the Dragon because I just love dragons,and a particular scene is just edged in my mind like iron,Daenerys saving her little dragons from that sorcerers dungeon and their cute little faces watching her almost like trying to say "Momma! You're here! we missed you!" I think is the cutest scene ever.

Daenerys...She serving cunt,she ate and licked the plate,she served and left no crumbs,the director said cut and she heard CUNT and went with it, she caused a motherquake of 9.99 in the cunt scale,she's mother, and no other than the Mother of Dragons, I just love her,she is what Cleopatra VII was before hollywood found her and turned her into a makeup propaganda fashionista, a true strategist and conqueror.

Kal Drogo,I just mourned his death,he was so cute and murderous, i wept real tears for sweet Daenerys, I think the actor was really good and he needed more screen time, his scenes were charged with masculity and power,something we really lack these days in television.

Sansa, she is a beauty,the kind of beauty fantasy writers try to describe and there is just no way that human exists and then there is her...But she is so fucking traumatized and set aside just like every other woman in that universe,hell,even in life,I feel for her...And also wanna date her,i won't lie

Aria is a tough little woman,I think they really need to step up her action scenes because I think she serves well as a hope in the darkness kind of character however I do wish the actress was more prone to make a proper action sequence ala Eleven from Stranger Things,you can say what you want about miss Millie Bobby Brown but she is one of the few actresses willing to make many changes ln television for years to come with her characters.

Jamie Lannister is an interesting fighter and I wish it was possible to swap his fight scenes with Aria since i think it was proper giving the context,anyway he has good fighting sequences that I think were ment for someone else.

The sex scenes... This was a series HBO really set the bar high for nudity,there is so much nudity,sometimes unnecessary and cruel for the actresses involved and at the same time, is not surprising considering this series was made by two straight men,this always happens in the industry although these days is harder due to the constant intimacy coordination, but yeah in those times I can't imagine how unerving it was for actresses to bare it all for a couple of coins in a popular series.

Enough with my ramblings,I declare myself a fan of game of thrones only for Daenerys and her cute little dragons 💖

[izzyspussy]

You said Jamie has a list of things he “doesn’t do if he wants to have a good time having sex.” I think I can infer most of these from his unfortunate hookup in TATGand your posts on his links, but I was wondering if you had anything to elaborate (or not)?

So like. The thing is, I think the most likely thing to have happened is that the Dutch lady was at least mostly clueless. She probably assumed that Jamie was at least legal (16) and that he wanted to be there. Any obvious discomfort on his part she would have assumed was just nerves/embarrassment. (Of course like... she's not free of blame here, don't they like? card?? But anyway,)

I also think they probably told her it was Jamie's first time and that it was a "present". So she would have been thinking, okay this kid wants to have sex but he's nervous about his performance since he's never done it before. Maybe he even has a girl back home he wants to impress or something. So she's thinking her job here is to make him feel sexually confident.

So she does "easy" non-threatening, vanilla, gender-conformist stuff with him, she leads while making him feel like he's leading (like she would if they were dancing, you know), she tells him he's hot, he's strong, his dick's big, he's doing everything right (in tatg she tells him he's "a natural"), and she fakes a spectacular orgasm. "First Time" bandaid ripped off, confidence boosted, mission accomplished.

Which probably would have honestly been a pretty good experience, if that's what had really happened. Instead, at the very least Jamie was too young and was pressured by an authority figure he was reliant on. Already that's Bad, and there's ample room given the context of the rest of his relationship with James to assume additional Not Good details, particularly the threat of violence and extra pressure on gender performance. I've seen some people also assume James "shared" alcohol with Jamie beforehand. Very Bad!

So anyway, those "easy" non-threatening, vanilla, gender-conformist sexual acts and dynamics become quite stressful even if we assume the least worst with what we've got to work with. If nothing else, they are high-expectation Tasks Jamie has to perform to a certain standard or risk Nebulous Consequences. Best case scenario, it's simply way too much pressure to be any fun.

Personally, I've never had "easy" non-threatening, vanilla, gender-conformist sex, so... As far as specifics go, what I've already listed is all I've got for you 🤣

[companion-showdown]

Who had the most tragic departure?

This is specifically about the events which led these companions to stop travelling with the Doctor long term, even if we saw them again later, so as an example, Rose's departure is Doomsday, even though we see her again a few times after that. (for some characters this might be a bit ambiguous, pick whichever one is the most devestating)

But who am I kidding? I can't tell you how to vote, use as much context as you like from what we know of them after, and vote with your heart for whichever exit makes you feel the worst.

GRAND FINAL:

Donna Noble vs Adric

previous rounds under the cut

SEMIFINALS:

Jamie McCrimmon vs Donna Noble

Adric vs Lucie Miller

ROUND 3:

Peri Brown vs Jamie McCrimmon WINNER: Peri Brown

Donna Noble vs Sara Kingdom WINNER: Donna Noble

Dodo Chaplet vs Adric WINNER: Adric

Missy vs Lucie Miller WINNER: Lucie Miller

ROUND 2:

Peri Brown vs Katarina WINNER: Peri Brown

Jamie McCrimmon vs Clara Oswald WINNER: Jamie McCrimmon

Donna Noble vs Zoe Heriot WINNER: Donna Noble

Fitz Kreiner vs Sara Kingdom WINNER: Sara Kingdom

Nardole vs Dodo Chaplet WINNER: Dodo Chaplet

River Song vs Adric WINNER: Adric

Oliver Harper vs Missy WINNER: Missy

Lucie Miller vs Bill Potts WINNER: Lucie Miller

ROUND 1:

Amy Pond vs Peri Brown WINNER: Peri Brown

Katarina vs Chris Cwej WINNER: Katarina

Jamie McCrimmon vs Charley Pollard WINNER: Jamie McCrimmon

Roz Forrester vs Clara Oswald WINNER: Clara Oswald

Donna Noble vs Bret Vyon WINNER: Donna Noble

Samson & Gemma Griffin vs Zoe Heriot WINNER: Zoe Heriot

Mike Yates vs Sara Kingdom WINNER: Sara Kingdom

Fitz Kreiner vs Rory Williams WINNER: Fitz Kreiner

Nardole vs Gillian & John Who WINNER: Nardole

Ace McShane vs Dodo Chaplet WINNER: Dodo Chaplet

River Song vs Susan Foreman WINNER: River Song

C'rizz vs Adric WINNER: Adric

Astrid Peth vs Oliver Harper WINNER: Oliver Harper

Sarah-Jane Smith vs Missy WINNER: Missy

Rose Tyler vs Lucie Miller WINNER: Lucie Miller

Jack Harkness vs Bill Potts WINNER: Bill Potts

You can find links to previous tournaments here

[rz-jocelyn]

Do you know who is the girl or guy who kisses Ryuji when he plays Dean in the musical "Jamie"? I don't know anything about the musical or even what it's about but I saw a gif of the kiss and I was curious xd

Hiya! :D

It's a guy who kisses Ryuji in the 'Musical "JAMIE"'. Well, technically, two guys xD

To give a bit of context about the musical and Dean's character, the 'Musical "JAMIE"' is the Japanese adaptation of the English musical "Everybody's Talking About Jamie". It's a musical which tells the coming-of-age story of Jamie New, who is gay and wants to become a drag queen.

Ryuji plays Dean Paxton, the popular boy of the class who bullies Jamie. That being said, Dean and Jamie's relationship is more complex than that due to Ryuji's interpretation of Dean, which gives Dean a lot more nuance than meets the eye.

This adds quite a bit to the dynamics between Dean and Jamie, leading to moments like this *grins*

And, this.

(I think the screencaps also show quite clearly how Ryuji's portrayal of Dean differs according to the actor who plays Jamie as well ♥)

During the musical, the role of Jamie New was double-cast and played by two actors: Morisaki Win and Takahashi Fu.

Morisaki Win has also acted with Ryuji in "HiGH&LOW THE WORST X", playing Motoaki Sakata and Nishikawa Yasushi respectively.

Meanwhile, Takahashi Fu has not acted with Ryuji outside of the 'Musical "JAMIE"'. That being said he does have other connections to Ryuji, and is in the same dance and vocal group as Fukuzawa Noa. Noa-kun plays Yoshino Junpei in '"Jujutsu Kaisen" The Stage' while Ryuji plays Itadori Yuuji.

Source(s): ( x , x )

Hope the information was helpful! ♥

[thatnerdinthecorner]

Reason I HAte Jamie No. 46849

'If I hadn't believed in you I wouldn't have loved you at all' from If I Didn't Believe In You

so much of this show is Cathy thinking about her insecurities. Jamie is so successful and she isn't, and throughout the show we get her talent confused with her insecurity: in Climbing Uphill we see her unsuccessful audition and how terribly it goes, and we as an audience are supposed to think she's a bad actress/singer, but she spends the summer touring, and we know that this is something that she does regularly:

'Is it just that you're disappointed To be touring again for the summer?'

Touring isn't a bad job for an actor. It's not Broadway, it's not her dream, but it's a good job and it takes work and talent. Jason Robert Brown got sued by his ex, and consequently had to change parts of the show because it was too close to the reality of their marriage. In other words, the writer is Jamie, the entire show is told by Jamie, and even the songs from Cathy's perspective are written and told by Jamie. Given everything else in the show, I'm not particularly inclined to trust Jamie's account if he's the one telling us that she's bad at her job.

In If I Didn't Believe In You Cathy doesn't want to go to one of Jamie's work parties. She's feeling frustrated about her own career and doesn't feel like spending the evening faking it to appease Jamie's colleagues. So Jamie digs into that. The entire song is very manipulative, but with these lines it fits into a continued theme throughout the show of saying that because Cathy hasn't managed to reach the pinnacle of an incredibly competitive field that she is automatically bad at her job and completely unskilled. Which we know isn't true, because otherwise she wouldn't be touring.

When Jamie says:

'If I hadn't believed in you I wouldn't have loved you at all'

what he's really saying is if I didn't think you would be successful, I wouldn't love you. But because her success is constantly conflated with her talent, when Jamie is talking about her success, he's also talking about her talent, so he's also saying that his love for her is dependent on her being talented, which he is measuring by her success.

Also, for the rest of the song Jamie says 'If I didn't believe in you' not 'hadn't'. I'm probably simplifying this a lot, but in this context, 'Didn't' works in the past and the conditional present tense. 'Hadn't' works in the past and conditional past tense. When Jamie switches to 'hadn't' at the end, he's saying that his belief in her is in the past tense. When Jamie says 'I wouldn't have loved you' that's in past tense too. His belief in her, and his love for her, which are intrinsically tied, are both in the past tense, because she has failed, because she is untalented. The song ends with him confirming all of her worst insecurities and saying he no longer loves her, and the next and final line is:

'Now why don't you put on your dress and we'll go, okay? Cathy? Can we do that, please? Please?'

In other words, the last few lines of this song is Jamie saying telling his wife yes, you're right, you don't have a good job, and you'll never get a better one, you'll never be successful, because you're not talented, and I don't love you anymore, because I only loved you because I thought that you could be successful one day, so why don't you just shut up, stop whining and do as I say, and come to my party to celebrate me and my work and my success.

I hate this man more that I can say.

[binahfaes]

a collection of Thoughts on haru's hidden complexities

(originally a bunch of threads from my priv twt where i ramble to myself, essentially— collated and edited. long post ahead.)

on haru, sayuri and what Exactly is his whole deal anyway?

i think it's safe to say that for me and many others, haru as a character felt enigmatic at best, and plain underwritten at worst and very divisive lol. but, i do think within the series we're given some interesting things to work with when inferring haru's reasonings for being with leviathan, his motives, and the nature of his obsession with jamie (before it, in my opinion, shifts to something "more simple," as claude observes).

to start with, a quote:

"it was haru's apathy that fascinated [Jamie] so much. but was it apathy, or something else something more dangerous?

it's interesting because lottie/sayuri believe partially that haru was brainwashed into joining leviathan....and as far as we know, that's not true. claude doesn't use the hamelin formulaon members! but in another way they're not Wrong.

it IS claude's manipulation + his ability to appeal to vulnerable teenagers base desires and wants—he promises to haru that of being a hero (is what he says anyway) and generates this obsession with jamie in haru that inadvertently becomes haru's sole motivation.

but what EXACTLY is going through haru's mind when he joins?

is it that sayuri is so capable that haru feels obsolete? pushed to the side as a partizan? and MAYBE he thinks jamie can fill that role as someone he can protect...?

in PEA, it says something along the lines of "the obsession Claude had encouraged in Haru had turned to something more simple...a boy who felt unwanted by his master [and] fancied himself a hero, so claude gave him a prince to save."

from this we can easily infer a big part of the reason really is that he felt like sayuri didn't need him, and in haru's mind this probably felt like a fairly righteous cause. i mean, haru can relate to jamie as a partizan—perhaps he sees parts of himself in jamie too. claude definitely spun it to him as a worthy endeavour. he might have said something like "oh you're so unsatisfied in your current life and sayuri doesn't need you, but if you joined leviathan you would most certainly be needed," and haru, probably feeling directionless and vulnerable, saw that offer and thought yeah actually that sounds Good.

and perhaps, sayuri was all haru really had. seeing as he's a partizan it's possible he doesn't have a relationship with his family/is an orphan, and I THINK her aunt dying (if it was as recent as i think it is) maybe led to her changing and becoming more distant, effectively shutting haru out (that and her parents divorcing; god poor sayuri).

in a sense, jamie—or the idea of him at first—was all haru had. this all, i think, gives us a bit more context as to how he acted during the Reveal in PAH despite manipulating jamie—the flash of genuine hurt when jamie found out Everything, because of the possibility he would lose him.

how all of this, informs haru's actions

in addition, reading with PEA in mind and the small incites we get from it does actually put a lot of haru's choices into context. whereas before i was thinking oh no poor jamie and his trust issues, I can see a little from haru's perspective too now.

for haru, his top priority was saving jamie. for him, the end goal justified the means. even tho his methods certainly were not pure or ethical. he has to deceive jamie for some time, yes, but he does also come to very earnestly like him. he says he was planning to tell jamie everything, and i do actually believe that to be a genuine remark because beforehand he'd been dropping clues.

there is, of course, also something so tragic about it, on both sides— jamie's never felt seen and understood the way haru sees him, and haru very desperately wants to be needed and in a way jamie is all he has (so there's a lot at stake for him).

not only that, but despite the illusion of free choice and liberation claude gives his subordinates, haru's just another one of claude's pawns. his "obsession" with jamie is apart of claude's plan, and of course claude has no regard for haru's emotional state—in fact he uses said emotions to his advantage.

i think parsing these details out ultimately renders haru more a sympathetic, and comprehensible character. of course, he's still flawed and antagonistic, but to me that makes him a more compelling character, not less! i like the idea of a character who does lie, and does manipulate, but underneath all that there is pure intent, no matter how dishonestly they started out. i also think that, in haru's case, it could've been executed better.

[kvetchinglyneurotic]

re: your reblog from july abt roy and jamie after wembley.

The roy and jamie relationship post wembley always confused me because they took an event that CLEARLY should've had an impact upon their relationship (and was set up to do so) and then did... nothing with it? it could've been a really good set up for a roy introspective re: his anger or a view on Jamie's vulnerability with the team as he's trying to find his place after coming back to Richmond. I love TL so much but they constantly failed to live up to the potential of their storylines 😭

(p.s bless u for noticing the beard/jane rupert/rebecca parallels. it drives me bonkers.)(p.p.s sorry for yelling in ur inbox you just have very good opinions and I like your writing a lot)

Thank you, and don't apologize, I love when people come yell in my inbox! And yeah, that writing decision is. so weird. I'd honestly kind of forgotten about how weird it is until I got to the end of season 2/start of season 3 on my recent rewatch — because they do, as you say, set up a change in their relationship so well, especially with Roy's conversation with Ms. Bowen about Phoebe's dad at the start of the episode and how he's afraid of infecting her with the worst parts of himself. Roy knows that he's an angry person, and he knows that it can be harmful to the people around him, but I also think that he's never really had to confront that when it comes to football, because in that context it's always been something that's framed as a strength (and a certain amount of yelling is normalized in sports in general). And then he's confronted with the fact that Jamie also has a piece of shit dad, and he chooses to be gentle instead of aggressive, because he understands that in that moment, what Jamie needs is someone to look after him the way Phoebe needs someone to look after her, even if it's in a slightly awkward, gruff way, and it has to be him; it can't be anyone else... and then it makes no difference in how he interacts with Jamie until at least 3x04, but really more like 3x06.

And then there's Beard and Jane, my beloathed. I do actually like their relationship (in a writing sense, not in an I want them to stay together sense) in exactly two episodes: 2x05 (in think) where they get back together and Higgins wants talk to Beard about how it's an unhealthy relationship, and in 2x09. In both these episodes, you can understand why they're together, but it's framed as almost a form of self-harm on Beard's part, where he knows it's an unhealthy relationship and that being with Jane makes him feel worse, but at the same time he can't bear to be apart from her. Anyway they could have leaned into the parallel of him and Rebecca as two people at opposite ends of an abusive relationship (him at the start; her at the end), especially with Sassy's "he locked you in a tower but you climbed all the steps yourself" speech. But alas, they did not.

[puppypeter]

Your bottom!Roy posts got me thinking about my secret omega!Roy ABO au, and now I MUST share my vision or I will EXPLODE!!!!!

I'm really fascinated by nontraditional ABO fics, which is why repressed Omega!Roy has me by the THROAT!! The whole political side of the ABO universe when put into a professional sports context is really intriguing to me, and I'm especially interested in seeing how gender politics would play out in a universe where possessing a second sex is the norm.

I'll try to keep my summary as short as possible so I'll boil it down to my key components (*me when I lie):

Omega!Roy presented at Sunderland when he was around 12/13 and thereby had to sign one of the most complex NDAs in youth sport at the time as well as being put on extremely heavy duty suppressants. All that compounded by the scrutiny and isolation of his living conditions at sunderland and the emotional impact of having your body be treated as something shameful to be hidden having an incredibly traumatic effect on someone so young leads me to believe that Roy's 'hardman' persona was a combination of his actual personality and a case of serious overcompensation.

By the time Roy is playing professionally, maybe some sort of Second Sex Protection Lae has been passed which means youre not obligated to reveal your second gender at your work place, leading to Roy hiding his omega status to further his career opportunities. Which surely won't have an effect on the way he views his body at ALLLLL.

Oh, you think Roy is emotionally repressed in CANON?? Omega!Roy is something else entirely. EXTREMELY dysmorphic and sexually repressed, as well as suffering from internalised omegaphobia(?), no wonder he is so tense. My man hasn't had a fulfilling heat in three decades. Add that to his preexisting career struggles from canon and you get a total MESS.

Enter Jamie: THE pinnacle of the Alpha archetype (who, unbeknownst to Roy, is also dealing with a lot of internalised struggles regarding his second sex and what it means to be an Alpha male, combined with his Amsterdam related trauma).

Roy hates him on sight, both for the canon reasons of jealousy and general dislike for his personality and for omegaphobic reasons, meaning Roy resents Jamie's Alpha status.

In season 1, they still have their rivalry, except Oh No!!!!! One day, all this alpha agro posturing in combination with Roy's fluctuating heat cycles as a result of consistent suppressant misuse/his advancing age results in Roy going into heat.

Now Roy's secret is out to the WORST possible person during one of the most fragile stages of his career AND since his stupid omega hindbrain latches itself onto the most eligible Alpha available, Roy is forced to ride out his heat with virile Alpha!Jamie.

Except,,, Jamie is actually,,, really attentive?? And understanding??? And doesn't push boundaries or take advantage of this HUGE blackmail opportunity??? Doesn't take advantage, PERIOD???? And his perception of Roy doesn't seem to change that drastically??? What????

Obviously, this is a slow burn enemies to friends to lovers situation. It's about the emotional vulnerability of having someone care for you at your most fragile and helpless, as well as a journey of self acceptance,,, It's also about extremely kinky topping from the bottom style smut with whiny, desperate to please service top, but I digress.

Could end with Roy revealing his omega status and kind of championing a lot of pro-omega movements in professional sports, or it could be wholly RoyJamie focused. And, not to make this mostly smutty au too angsty BUT: the potential of Jamie being able to relate to Roy's struggle with his bodily autonomy being violated because of his Amsterdam experience? PERFECTION!!

Big takeaway is: nontraditional ABO, older grumpy dominant omega!Roy X younger bratty submissive alpha!Jamie. I need 100k fic NOWWWWW!!!!!

Welp this is going to look like I sent myself an ask cause this is absolutely straight out of my brain what the fuck it's my dream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES TO EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SAID!!!! Got lots to say so adding a cut or people will have to scroll loads! But anyone feel free to come shout to me more about it!

Listen I am always out here begging for more roy-centric angst to begin with and for more alpha-omega content because royjamie just fit the bill so well however you look at them (as your idea or as alpha roy/omega jamie or alpha/alpha or omega/omega). It's all about the claiming, the possessiveness, smelling each other and what not lol I love the political element and how that plays into the sports world, especially where they get kids started so young so in general it's already weird seeing such young kids put so much focus on their bodies as a vehicle for success, let alone other people getting involved in their presentation.

But now I want to know your thoughts on if his parents sent him to Sunderland because he was good at footie or because they somehow knew he was likely to turn out an omega (like his grandad, make grandad a male!omega and maybe that was his maternal grandfather and roy's dad - assuming a stereotypical alpha - always hated him for being too caring, too sweet to his own wife and his daughter etc and definitely too soft around roy). I'd say his grandad took him to take him away from that environment but it doesn't work if he brought him to a football club lmao (other option is to make it angst and say grandad was actually an omegaphobic asshole too but I feel bad about that ahah)

Roy's being so young and isolated would play such a massive role, being surrounded just by other kids who might take his spot if he is not good enough and other adults whose only interest is making money off of him becoming successful and who keep making him feel bad for his presentation.

I can see there being protection in place as his career progresses, but I feel like even if legally it's a thing the world of football is still a shitshow (I mean it's not illegal to be gay for example and yet how many players are out? when statistically there's definitely a lot of lgbt+ players - in men's footie)

But I can also see Roy at that point hating that part so much (it's the reason his parents sent him away? his hyper independence make him hate the thought he'd need to depends on someone else? my dude is so fucking touch starved it would probably physically hurt if someone held him in their arms?). And I can see him being a bit passive aggressive towards others omega players at Richmond because they're so chill about it and he's mad they have no idea what it was like for him!! (he'll get there, to where he supports them and is grateful they didn't have to go trough the hell he did)

And lord Jamie being a shitty alpha copy of his own shitty alpha dad (who could not tolerate that omega!Georgie was not a docile little thing but feisty as hell!), brought on by his Amsterdam trauma. James went away when he was little and came back later to a Jamie that was too soft, who presented as an Alpha because maybe it's the dominating gene in the Tartt family but did not behave like one at all, accused of spending too much time with his mother who is far too into omega-rights and equality and has thought him to do things like house chores which for James is 'an omega's job'. But he pulls the acting like a super dad thing and then Amsterdam happens because of him wanting to show what a real alpha should be / what an omegas job is.

I love that you went for the "Roy resents Jamie's Alpha status"!!! He is such a contradictions, hating Jamie because he's a twat of an alpha but also because he (roy) isn't one!!!

Them fighting each other in the locker room is such a hormones fuelled thing regardless lmao I can see maybe some medication Roy is taking for his knee interacting with his suppressants (perhaps because it's not a thing anymore to pay attention to since almost nobody takes suppressants anymore)

Wonder what would happen if Roy hurt his knee as canon but it was someone from another team and it happened because he got distracted as his body was going into some crazy frenzy of unwellness (his first heat after decades would be a painful nightmare) and so now he's at the lowest he could ever be

And let's not forget Jamie has been a fanboy his whole life so even if they were fighting he is genuinely concerned + his alpha instincts of protection and devotion and 'must make myself helpful regardless of the sex of the person' that Georgie instilled in him + this physical pull he feels towards Roy being in distress (you know the whole bonded alpha can feel the distress, what if he feels it even before? or maybe it's just a distressed omega smell although that would out Roy unless it doesn't happen until they've dragged him back to the locker room)

I love sweetheart alpha jamie so much!!! he'd be so caring and make the best service top absolutely and I do want to see the moment it clicks for Roy that Jamie also struggles with his presentation and does not want to be held up to those alpha standards

I do love the idea of him speaking about it publicly and Richmond ending up with an omega assistant coach (there's a lot that can be said about who is what in that coaching staff lol but hey the team is owned by a bad ass alpha female boss, only one in the Prem!!)

"the potential of Jamie being able to relate to Roy's struggle with his bodily autonomy being violated because of his Amsterdam experience? PERFECTION!!" you had to end with the most angst and I love you for it!!!!!!