#JOKE THIS IS JOKE CONGRATS GAY PEOPLE

[itsmeezra]

what’s gayer:

actual lesbian sex scene

OR!

rewriting the fabric of the universe because you as a man were destined to meet one (1) man in every dimension that has ever existed across time and space

[inkskinned]

she's singing in another room and my dog is asleep at my feet. my grandma asked me why i haven't found a man yet and i laughed. oh, you know. i like my house clean.

my girlfriend is also my man is also "my partner" if i'm in a professional setting. yesterday we went to a ren faire and a man mimed at me - you're together? and at my delighted nod, his baffled, you're gay? made me laugh. a woman with rainbow hair said i love the two of you together. you're both so beautiful it's absurd.

my dad introduced my partner as my "..... friend. or whatever" the other day. he knows we're dating. in the same way, i was never able to get my sister's husband to stop saying that's gay like it's 2008. he still uses the word fa***t, and my sister's defense of him has always been well, he's just kidding.

my lover and i dance to old music in a tiny kitchen. we judge new music together and take food critique very seriously. we watch love is blind before we fall asleep and agree that if they had a queer season, it would be bloody but also make for excellent tv. of fucking course queer people would know someone for only 2 weeks and agree to get married. what are you saying.

at a bar with friends, a man puts his hand on my wrist. got a boyfriend? and yes, i do have a boyfriend, she's amazing. i am texting her while i wander around a gas station named after geese. i am visiting a swing state for a wedding. in the candy aisle i overhear: she's actually like a lesbian it's disgusting. two teenage girls with packaged sandwiches in their hands, giggling. no literally, like. i'm not, like. okay with her being there while we're all, like, naked and changing.

my girlfriend and i tailgate, drink gin and cider out of cups. from the frat group beside us, a man corrects himself with one of his friends: bro, i mean, nonbinary entity, and it makes everyone around him laugh, myself included. he razzes his friend the same way i would have killed for at 19 years old - like nothing happened, he continues: you apply sunscreen like an alien. he does a little sassy (and fairly accurate) dance interpretation of the motion. his friend is laughing so hard they're crying.

i am lucky, i live in a safe neighborhood in a safe state. my masc passenger princess comes up from DC. i drive her for an hour to where all the leaves are a violent arrangement of color. we walk along the trails, letting autumn into our blood. in this part of the state, there's a lot of pickup trucks and trump signs. when we chastely kiss before getting into the car, i accidentally make eye contact with a woman holding her child's wrist. she looks disgusted. she looks fucking pissed.

two hours later my girl and i are eating dinner on a patio, soaking in the last warmth of new england sun before the chill of winter sets in. we are giggling and trying to talk through plastic vampire teeth. at another table, i see a young woman sit up straighter. i watch her watch us. she blushes and takes her partner's hand from across the table. shy, like the taste of evening has just become something deeper.

it's worth it for this moment, i think. my lover is still humming the same song she's been singing for four days straight and i don't want to kill her for it. her guitar is beside my bed. her toothbrush is in my bathroom. in a few moments i will make us lunch. we are lucky enough to have found each other. it is lucky enough to be in love.

[ask-shirley-bennett]

congrats @ask-jeff-winger on your coming out! (is that how you use that?) I’ve never heard of ‘bigender’ before.. much to research I guess! Happy pride, you ‘slay’ !?🌈 🏳️‍🌈🦄❤️

[venacoeurva]

The way some people are on here and social media in general, I’m scared to make a joke about a character bottoming or topping and them interpreting it as agreement that that’s All They’re Gonna Be and are automatically now the (Traditional gender role versions of) Woman or Man regardless of gender or actual personality and I assume I shoehorn them like they do. Big fear

[threepandas]

Bad End: Traps

"Darling~!" A rich voice greeted me, as I stepped through the final doors leading to an opulent office. "You're looking better! Are you finally adjusting to the anti-poisons? I know they made you feel quite sick."

THAT was an understatement. Try worst cramps and fever of my life, with a dose of puking for days. They put me on IVs. Buuuut? I wasn't gonna say THAT. Not a chance in hell. We, team Earth that is, were supposed to be here for DIPLOMACY. So? Fucking LIE~☆

Yep! "Bit" sick. Just a touch. Hardly noticed, really. Took a nap.

Veneni laughed, rising from the elegant sprawl she'd been resting on one of her "not called couches but totally are" things. To be honest, her voice reminds me of those old "radio stars" from the clips at the museums. All smooth yet husky, curling around you, like they're going to invite you somewhere dark to learn a naughty little secret if you're very VERY good.

Kind of voice you could listen too for HOURS, reading the most boring shit imaginable, and it be the best time you'd had in years.

I am... SO gay, for Veneni.

Like? You DO NOT UNDERSTAND. She SASHAYS. Not walks. Not strolls. Sashays! Like life is a catwalk and she is the alpha bitch here to show these other models how it's DONE. But also? Like she doesn't even NOTICE! It's just... effortless. How she moves. All delicate hand motions and rolling hips and curves.

That I Can Not Touch because she is SUUUUPER poisonous.

Which is? Frankly? Homophobic and a crime against me, specifically. Yeah, her whole species is like that. And it's why all of us are suffering through the Anti-poison adjusters. But STILL! I can't even "accidentally" brush her hand? No potential kissing of hot hot hot alien gf? Illegal. Blocked. Everyone here is a bastard and I want to complain.

.....not, mind you, that I have the metaphorical lady balls to actually CONFESS anything.

But you know... maybe.... maybe if I pine hard enough?

Good ol' stand awkwardly nearby and mentally project "NOTICE ME SEMPAI!" At her? I put on my nice outfit! Makes the girls look-! Wait, does her species even give a shit about boobs? FUCK. Okay, see this? THIS is why I was a flight assist. Just inventory and handing stuff to people who knew what they were doing.

MASTER of the fine arts of "I Can Understand The Instruction Manuel, In Case Of Emergency"!

Pretty good at coffee, too. Not to brag.

But, like? Jokes aside? Things had been... Bad.

Everything had gone to shit. Then somehow found a shovel in the manure pile and started digging. Started OUT okay! Really, it had! Travel was unexpectedly a bit rough. Some sort of space storm that went RIGHT over my head, but we dodged every major catastrophe. Got here in one piece.

There was a fancy meeting party. Whiiiich? In hindsight? Terrible idea. WAY too many people with hella poisonous skin, standing WAY too close. Only reason we didn't IMMEDIATELY lose the head diplomate? Was the regulation "new planet, unknown pathogens" full body biosuit. He? Got a HUG. Like... right out the ship.

Oof. That would have been IT, for him. Unfortunately, he didn't make it past that much longer. Someone's pet bit him. And? Yep. Completely fucking venomous. Lethally so. A tragedy, right? Outlier, surely?

Ha!

No. No this planet was trying to fucking kill us. It was a toxin coated hellpit and had so far? Murdered just over half the diplomatic crew. Those that were still alive? Over half of THEM were in emergency care. With just over a forth of the OTHER survivors being the only ones who could safely care for them.

Rest of us were either in isolation or sick as FUCK.

Isolation for those who needed to get rescued, because the Anti-poison adjusters would fucking kill them. Or sick as hell, for those few who remain that finally, FINALLY had found a way to Not DIE.

ALL WHILE PEACE TALKS WERE TRYING TO HAPPEN.

It was a shit show~☆

I? Went from basically a nobody? To "congrats! By merit of NOT being dead or dying, you're the head diplomat by proxy!" Which? Fucking WHAT? You could physically SEE the stress radiating off the poor guys back home, as they tried to speed run me through "how to not Accidentally A War 101".

I was pretty sure his cup, did in fact, NOT contain coffee. But I wasn't telling.

Instead, I got the honor of carrying the video call. Literally. Since our tech was incompatible. I got to carry the whole set up. Portable battery included. So the ACTUAL Really, Actually, Trained In Diplomacy, Diplomat could call in. And then I could look pretty and nod seriously at the appropriate times.

Mmmmhmmm. Yes. I agree. I both understand what is being said, AND support Earth's position on these matters! I have definitely studied the materials. Am supposed to be here. We have DEFINITELY suffered no catastrophic loses, pay no attention to the chaos behind the curtains! Diploooomacyyyyy....

God, she is pretty.

Watching her smile, her sensors gently shift around her like flowing water, the way her hand delicately gestured as she spoke? I... I wanted to build her, like, a cabin or something. Bring her breakfast in bed. Maybe adopt an alien dog together. And like? I don't even KNOW how to build shit. But, fuck it. I'd learn.

Cause I mean... you KNOW you got it bad, when you look at Toxic Super Hell the planet, look at pretty lady, look BACK at the planet that in no uncertain terms ACTIVELY thirsts for your blood... and go?

"So when do I move? Feeling REAL patriotic for my new home! Wooo, New Home!"

Yes I have a problem. Shut up, I'm aware.

A quite click signaled the end of their talks. Finally done for the day. I definitely, in now way shape or form, perk up like an excited puppy hearing the word "walkies". Because that? THAT would suggest I had WAY more dignity. I am a thirsty, thirsty bitch, okay? SO PRETTY. Nice laugh! Calls me Darling!! I have a LIST!!!

"Mmmm, what an unpleasant man that was. Did something happen to Mr. Ho?" She asked, stretching in the slow rolling way of hers. It looked boneless and decadent. REALLY distracting. "I hope nothing Serious~. We were nearly on the cusp of getting you home! I do hope he gets well soon. But, ah~, where ARE my manner today, Darling? You must be starving!"

Veneni sweeps forward to tuck my arm in hers, pulling me against her side. Even through my biosuit and her modest dress... I... I can FEEL her body heat. How soft and warm she feels pressed close against me. She smells tingly and spiced, kinda like citrus and mulled cider. NOT! That I'm smelling her! WHICH I'M NOT!! Because that would be so, SO creepy! It's just-!? You know-?! AaaaaaAAA???

She guides me to our little table. Probably set up for guests in general. But... you know... kinda like to THINK of it? As ours?

I REALLY need to stop while I am ahead. Good fucking gods. Ignore me.

Mmm, yes, distraction cake! Let's talk about THAT instead! Wonder what she-? I then choked on my drink. Because... because after bringing out the usual traditional deserts of she was teaching me about? And dishes I could try? Veneni... c.. casually as you please rests her chin, propped up on one hand, then reaches out with the other... to place it on my hand, which rests on the table between us.

Hear that? That's my soul screaming at a pitch only dolphins can make.

OH MY GOD.

I'd like to say? I don't immediately embarrass myself? But that's a lie. I make a wheeze reminiscent of something dying horribly. Against all odds. She is NOT immediately disgusted and done with me. Dear lord, my parents may actually have a chance at seeing me married! Holy FUCK.

Wait. No. Slow your roll.

SMILE first. We GOT this! Seduce her!

I open my mouth... and stupid fell out. FUCK.

"Calm yourself, Darling!" She laughs, the bemused fondness lighting up her face. "You hardly need to impress ME! Believe me. I knew you were mine the second I saw you. Nothing could possibly change that~"

Her cute fangs catch the light, deadly sharp. Her's is a predatory species. I wonder if they like social touch? Cause I REALLY want to cuddle. Hold hands. Touch. Ooooother stuff~ But! Mostly the Hold Cute Alien GF! Assuming that's where this is headed. Please GOD let that be where this is headed!

"I was thinking... and I don't want to be too forward, of course," oh god please do "and I hope I'm not interpreting things incorrectly!" You are not. Take me you magnificent, purple, high femme queen amongst the masses. "But... I would VERY much like to... get to know you, Darling. On a more... personal level...?"

I kept my lips pressed desperately together to keep from literally shouting the word "Yes" in her face. Be cool. BE COOL! We are both cool and Very Normal About This! Scream in incoherent joy later!

Y..Yeah! Sounds great!

This is the best day of my-!

An explosion shook the biodome. While the whole planet WAS toxic as fuck? There were levels to it's toxicity. Some places too much for even native life forms to handle. And, of course, no place that non-natives could safely survive. Thus the capital's biodome. Highly filtered air, earth, and resources. Built for diplomacy and several critical care hospitals.

Now under attack. Another bomb exploded. Cracks in the dome.

I could only stare in mute horror at the pillar of smoke. Because... Because that was the isolation area. Our evac's. Someone just blew up... Then my brain seemed to comeback online all at once, as adrenaline flooded my system. I looked between the still unpacked call system and Veneni.

A piece of tech or a high ranking, probably high interest target. My maybe hopefully girlfriend. Not really much of a choice.

Fucking LEAVE IT.

We had to go. I pulled Veneni up, told her as much. She looked so startled.

"Of... Of course, Darling. Yes. You're right. I AM probably a target, aren't I?" The thought didn't seem to have occurred to her. God, I felt like a monster having to bring such ugliness to her attention. Scaring her like this. But ignorance wouldn't keep either of us safe.

"I...I think there was a safe room?" She faltered, arms crossing almost artfully, looking so uncertain I couldn't help but want to comfort her. "But, Darling, I'll admit.. I'm.. I think I'm rather scared. Will you protect me? Stay with me? ...please?"

I couldn't help it. She looked so scared. So delicately small. I stepped forward, arms going around her. Pulling her close like I could shield her from the world. I wouldn't let anything happen to her. I promised myself. Felt her arms, a few of her sensors, desperately curl around me.

I didn't see the smile, pressed against my front. That quickly vanished as she pulled back. Nor did I notice the calm technician, hidden in the shadows of a side hall, who nodded at Veneni as I herded her to "safety". Would think nothing of how, tragically, my rooms were hit in the follow up blasts. How very lucky, that Veneni has rooms to spare. But oh~ she would not want to over step!

I don't notice a lot of things. But hey, things are great! I got a girlfriend! Or, as she likes to joke,

She Got Me.

[eurekq]

they should have been at the club!!!!!!!!

all jokes aside, ive been in pathfinder fandom for over a year now and you all are the sweetest, most supportive community!!! so i wanted to do a piece dedicated to my favorite little guys :) left to right, we have:

emerie (@tenmillionbees), balthazar (@outeremissary), vio (@mountainashfae), jubilee (me), cascade (me), zaurak (@bastiantj, my bestie 5ever. he does not post), minovae (@silversiren1101), valerius (@camelliagwerm), ariadne (@arendaes), siavash (@dujour13), agria (@thesolemnhour), and zara (me)

some extra goodies under the cut!

heres the flats, which i really like:

one of my favorite parts of this drawing was how varied the responses i got when asked for a "club" outfit were. everyone kind of looks like theyre attending a completely different event but here is my rough attempt at categories.

oh, to hit the gay bar with balthazar. we can only dream of the carnage.

some other silly stuff i did: romance breakdown. congrats to woljif on the four girlfriends and boyfriend.

also popped everyone on the alignment chart for shits and giggles.

dont put these people in the same room together.

[fallout-lou-begas]

re: the polyamory post - YES THANK YOUUU i'm so fucking sick of opening tumblr or twitter and like. every other day it's just 'polyamorous people are ugly and stupid *one million retweets from other queer people*' again and again and it's like??? first of all, get new jokes. second of all, congrats on getting approval from the straight people in your replies, but guess what!! they still hate you and they think we are exactly the same!! good job bud!!!

literally!!! literally literally!!!!!!! and part of this comes from the fact that after getting divorced from my ex-husband after a brief open-marriage period (which happened because he realized he was a gay man, not anything to do with trying polyamory in and of itself lmao), we realized that, in the wake of our old relationship and dawn of new ones with new people, that i'm definitely non-mongamous and that he does want monogamy. That experience really threw into relief for me how non-mongamy or monogamy really is a thing that you either want or you don't, either works for you or doesn't! and talking with him about these differences between us during that time period through today has always been really illuminating and interesting to me.

[ecargmura]

Senpai Is An Otokonoko Episode 1 Review - A Queer-Coded Romcom

What is an ‘otokonoko’? According to some sites, it’s a Japanese term for men who express themselves femininely. Are they trans? Are they a crossdresser? That’s something to figure out for yourself. Because of the ambiguity regarding Makoto’s gender, I’m going to use they/them pronouns when talking about them.

Regardless, Senpai Is An Otokonoko seems to be a romcom story that talks about sexuality, gender and conformity as Makoto Hanaoka is a boy who dresses up as a girl, but only does it at school. Saki Aoi is a girl who fell for Makoto, originally believing them to be a girl, but when they tell her the truth, Saki gets excited knowing that she can like both the boy and the girl versions of them. Congrats on the sudden bisexual awakening? Anyways, Saki is still insistent on pursuing Makoto, so she does whatever she can to make sure she becomes their first love. The only obstacle in her way is their childhood friend, Ryuji Taiga, who is protective of them, but also has a crush on them.

Is this BL? Yuri? I’d say that it is more of a queer-coded story. Makoto clearly likes dressing femininely; Saki is bisexual; Ryuji is gay. Nobody here is straight, not even Makoto. However, I do like it shows the positives and negatives of these kinds of stories. There are people who are accepting of Makoto’s crossdressing like Saki and Ryuji, but there are those who still find it hard to take in like some of Makoto’s classmates and even one of their teachers. However, I do like that the story is not written to make Makoto a joke, but to make them a serious character with internal issues of their own. I’d love to know what caused him to start crossdressing in the first place as its only hinted that he always liked cute things since he was little, but couldn’t lavish in them due to his household being super strict. Why is it that the school allows him to dress like this and why does he have a special locker in the storage room? I’d love to know these types of details.

The visuals are pretty! I seriously love both of Makoto designs! The girl design is beautiful! I love the hair color of their wig! I also like Makoto’s boy design. They may look like a regular boy, but they have a cute and pretty face that helps them stand out from the rest. Ryuji also looks nice with the parted hair and the hoop earrings. Saki also looks so cute with her short bobbed hair! They’re all rather simple designs, but they’re eye-catching!

The characters are fun because they’re in a friendly love triangle. Makoto is a nice person who’s filled with mysteries regarding their actions. I still like that they’re brave to keep crossdressing at school, even if everyone won’t be accepting of it. Saki is so chaotic, but I do like her earnest heart. She’s so bold, which is what Makoto probably needs in his life. Ryuji is also a nice guy but a little overprotective. I do like that he does whatever he can to protect Makoto from weirdos who look at him oddly, but he gets shy whenever the topic of him liking Makoto pops up.

The voice acting is really nice! I’ve never heard Shuichiro Umeda’s performance before, but he has a very cute voice that is perfect for a role like this. Akira Sekine voices another chaotic girl in Saki after voicing the chaos that was Sora Harewataru from Hirogaru Sky Precure. Yuma Uchida plays Ryuji Taiga, making this character the second gay boy he’s voicing this season after Hisashi from Twilight Out of Focus; he’s on a roll with these LGBT characters.

I guess my only gripe is that the art style shifts a lot from the usual to the comical ones that it’s sort of hard to get used to the sudden back and forth. I think it happens way too often that I’m mentioning this. Not that it’s bad but sometimes, it does get a little annoying.

I think people who still struggle with their identity might find some solace in this cute queer-coded story. I wasn’t sure what I was for a long time until I realize that I am most likely pansexual. Yes, this is the first time I reveal my sexuality on this blog, but it’s just a secret that I won’t ever tell anyone in real life because it’s my identity and life; I’m the only one who gets to decide how to live it, after all. For me, gender doesn’t matter; I love people however they are. I honestly can’t wait to see what sort of story this will turn out to be. What are your thoughts on this episode?

[chxpw]

Haikaveh || soft launch

Singer Kaveh soft launching his muse, Alhaitham, on Instagram.

------------------------------------------------------

urfavkaveh

Met up and had breakfast with my old roomie and friend from college!!

Comments:

yourtighnari: You have friends?

➥ urfavkaveh: RUDE, plus you're my friend

➥ yourtighnari: unfortunately

cyn0: the historians would call them friends

➥ urfavkaveh: Cyno I will personally find you and kill you

nilou_9: I'm happy you two finally met up again!! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

➥ urfavkaveh: Thank you Nilou! At least somebody's being nice

Laisis : WHO IS THAT?

Arjun555: I can already hear the weird fans going crazy

le_farah: I swear he was friends with this one small musician Alhaitham, pls someone tell me I'm not imagining things

➥ ghaf.farrr6: pretty sure they were but had a falling out at some point a few years ago

-----------------------------------------

_tha1tham

I was forced to go to an art gallery.

Yo_yesir: BRO WHO IS THAT?

May_miz: AM I DELULU OF COULD THAT BE KAVEH? THEY ALWAYS TAG THE PEOPLE THAT THEY ARE WITH

➥ arjun555: definitely delulu lol

➥ n3onad_: NO BUT LITERALLY, IT HAS GOT TO BE HIM

cyn0: why wasn't I invited :(

➥ _tha1tham: I wanted some time away from your jokes.

➥ yourtighnari: ouch

_omxr6: HUUUUH?

-----------------------------------------

urfavkaveh

Matching!!!

Comments:

Cyn0: historians would call them friends

➥ urfavkaveh: CYNO I SWEAR TO GOD

➥ fai_five: THIS IS SO SUS

Daxani: NO THAT IS LITERALLY ALHAITHAM

➥ nbilal: didn't they have a falling out tho? Doubt it's him because of this

Zstr21: HAIKAVEH REAL?

➥ arjun555: bruh just stfu

raduz: WHAT IS GOING ON.

-----------------------------------------

_tha1tham

Matching.

Comments:

cyn0: historians would call them friends

➥ _tha1tham: ?

Yourtighnari: you two are so gay

➥ _tha1haitham: like you and cyno aren't.

➥ yourtighnari: good point lol

zstr21: HAIKAVEH IS SO REAL, YOU CAN'T CHANGE MY MIND

➥ arjun555: weirdo

unik_h4na: HIM AND KAVEH HAVE PRACTICALLY THE SAME POST??? WHAT IS HAPPENING

➥ unik_h4na: AND TIGHNARI'S COMMENT?? "you two are so gay" HUH

➥ unik_h4na: AND CYNOS TOO, HE COMMENTED THE SAME THING ON ONE OF KAVEH'S POSTS

hiba.exe: IF I DON'T FIND OUT WHO THAT IS I'M GONNA GO INSANE

rad.r1ft: this man is definitely not single

-----------------------------------------

urfavkaveh

The love of my life, Haitham and my baby, Mehrak <3

@ _tha1tham

Comments:

📌 _tha1tham: I love you.

➥ urfavkaveh: I love you more!! <33

yourtighnari: gay

➥ cyn0: for you

➥ yourtighnari: I'll let it slide this time

➥ urfavkaveh: GET OUT OF MY COMMENTS

Nilou_9: Congrats you two!! ＼(≧▽≦)／

➥ urfavkaveh: Thank you Nilou!! (o^▽^o)

zstr21: HAIKAVEH IS REAL OH MY GOD

unik_h4na: I FUCKING KNEW IT

arjun555: oh

byteblis: THE SHIP HAS SAILED

-----------------------------------------

_tha1tham

My love. <3

@ urfavkaveh

Comments:

📌 urfavkaveh: love has made you so soft oh my god

➥ _tha1tham: I'm going to bite you.

➥ urfavkaveh: ABUSE

yourtighnari: kaveh has really rubbed off on you

➥ cyn0: you know what else has rubbed off on him?

➥ _tha1tham: I know where you two live.

Nilou_9: I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU GUYS!!!

➥ _tha1tham: Thank you, Nilou. :)

➥ yourtighnari: oh god he's so soft now

fatimz: AHHHHHHH THEY'RE SO CUTE I'M DYING

arwadream: I'M SO JEALOUS

arjun555: damn

➥ zstr21: HAHAHAH

nexali: YESSS FINALLY

-----------------------------------------

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

cooking, by asmi, because someone wanted this. i can't cook, btw.

Were they joking? Probably. Cheers, @deathwords334, beware what you wish for. NOW BABYGIRLS, BITCHBOYS, AND BOYCOTTERS OF THE BINARY, I WILL... TEACH YOU HOW TO COOK. EXCEPT UH. I CAN'T COOK.

SO I WILL TEACH YOU WHAT I THINK UH COOKING IS. KINDA. FUCK YEAH THERE'S NOTHING I'M BETTER AT THAN EXPLAINING THINGS I AM SEVERELY UNDERQUALIFIED TO EXPLAIN.

STEP I: WASH THE ENDS OF YOUR FORELIMBS

WASH YOUR HANDS. UNLESS YOU'RE USING GLOVES. PLASTIC GLOVES, BECAUSE THE OTHERS WILL CATCH ON FIRE. To be fair plastic gloves might melt into your skin and cause worse damage than--YOU KNOW WHAT JUST WASH YOUR GODDAMN HANDS 99.9% OF GERMS GONE WITH EVERY HANDWASH EVER.

STEP II: FIND SOME REAL ESTATE TO EXIST IN

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BE IN A KITCHEN. IT'S NOT A NECESSITY. YOU COULD ALSO HAVE A BONFIRE. OR A MICROWAVE IN A DORM. IS HEATING UP READY-MADE PASTA COOKING? FUCK YEAH IT IS DON'T GATEKEEP COOKING HERE.

YOU CAN ALSO STAND OVER A CREMATION PYRE AND COOK. IT IS NOT ADVISED. FOR LEGAL REASONS.

STEP III: CONTAIN YOURSELF MY DEAR THOTSON!

DR BEGONE THOTSON! MOVING ON. GRAB A CONTAINER. IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE, YOUR PALMS UP IN SUPPLICATION TO OUR LORD GOD BILDADDY ARE A NATURAL CONTAINER. UNLESS YOU'RE HEATING THE CONTAINER. PLEASE DO NOT HEAT YOUR PALMS. YOU CAN GRAB A SWORD OR SOMETHING AND SKEWER THE FOOD IF YOU'RE DESPERATE.

STEP IV: FIND EDIBLE ORGANIC SUBSTRATES

MAKE SURE YOU HAVE FOOD. ON THE MAGGOTS SERVER, THERE WAS DEBATE WITHIN THE FIRST FEW DAYS OF WHETHER OR NOT CONSENTUAL AND LOCALLY SOURCED CANNIBALISM IS ETHICAL. THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS POST. JUST GRAB SOME FUCKING FOOD UPROOT A BUSH IF YOU HAVE TO.

HELPFUL TIP: BEWARE WILD MUSHROOMS

OH ASMI, WE KNOW, SOME ARE FUCKING HALLUCINOGENICS, SOME ARE POISONOUS, SOME ARE LAXATIV--NO NO NO. NOT MY POINT. SOMETIMES, MUSHROOMS GROW IN CIRCLES. THIS IS A TRAP SET BY THE FAE. @queermarzipan, PLEASE CONFIRM.

DON'T GET TRAPPED BY THE FAE WHILE FORAGING FOR FOOD.

STEP V: IT'S GETTIN' HOT IN HERE MMMKAY

IF YOU'VE MADE IT THIS FAR WITHOUT GETTING BURNED ALIVE, ARRESTED OR KIDNAPPED BY THE FAERIES, CONGRATS! YOU ARE READY TO COOK. UH. YOU NEED HEAT, PROBABLY. IS MAKING A SALAD COOKING? IS MAKING A (NOT GRILLED) SANDWICH COOKING? I DON'T KNOW.

FOR SOME REASON I THINK HEAT IS KEY TO THE COOKING PROCESS.

SO WELL, GET IT HOT! FUNERAL PYRE OR MICROWAVE, GREAT! KITCHEN, PROBABLY A STOVE IN THERE. BONFIRE, GREAT! OKAY I FEEL LIKE STEP FIVE IS THE SAME AS STEP TWO. IT'S FINE.

WORST COMES TO WORST, PUT ON A TV SHOW LIKE GOOD OMENS (NUDGE NUDGE PROMO PROMO WATCH THE FUCKING SHOW IT'S BEAUTIFUL I LOVE I-OKAY SORRY) AND THE HOMOEROTIC TENSION WILL HEAT UP YOUR FOOD.

STEP VI: SPICE IT UP A BIT!

ADD SPICES THE WAY FANFIC WRITERS ADD FINGER BRUSHES, ONE BED, DANCING AND IT SWITCHES TO A SLOW SONG, WING SENSITIV--SORRY UM YES ADD SPICES THE WAY THEY ADD DETAILS TO THEIR SMUT. SPICE AND CHEMISTRY PEOPLE IT'S SPICE AND CHEMISTRY.

COOKING IS GAY.

STEP VII: MOUTHHOLE THAT BITCH

EAT. BONUS POINTS IF SOMEONE WATCHES YOU EAT. OR YOU WATCH SOMEONE EAT. HOMOEROTICALLY. LIKE CROWLEY WATCHES AZIRAPHA--OKAY FINE I'LL SHUSH BUT WATCH THE SHOW IF YOU HAVEN'T.

y'all I think I might not be coping well with life LOVE YOU MAGGOTS REBLOG IF YOU LEARNED SOMETHING AMAZING ABOUT COOKING TODAY! FROM THIS POST I MEAN. NOT IN... GENERAL. I THINK I'M FALLING ASLEEP. FUCK.

[anxietycheesecake]

Congrats to Paul Simms for finding the queerbait loophole. You can sparkle some gay sex jokes here and there, let characters state their queerness and tease the only serious gay relationship down to its grave while you never intended to commit, simultaneously going through every single homophobic showrunner talk point ("it's too deep for it to be romantic or sexual", "it'd be wrong because (lame ass excuse)") and even admit you do this because it makes people watch, yet most of the fandom will still act like you were so brave for that and didn't do anything wrong.

Ok, not queerbaiting because they're canonically queer. What do we call this bs then? Because let me tell you, it's going to set a precedent and you're not gonna like it.

[bloodgulchblog]

Alright fuck it, s2e1 liveblog.

I'm watching this with people later so the goal is just to get through it enough to sate my impatience, so I'm back to ye olde standby of watching it at high speed with subtitles on. (...Only I guess I'm gonna be slowed down by making comments, huh?)

Spoilers and uncharitable opinions and unfunny jokes will follow.

Not going to talk about stuff in the episode opener until it comes back bc there's not enough to say anything about.

5 minutes in and we're already doing whatever this is huh?

6:30 - Alright okay, fuck, Vannak took his spine pellet out and gets to have one (1) personality trait and it's animal facts and I kind of don't hate that. TV Chief is very unlikable but characters like Kai and Vannak playing the angle of having very youthful quirks bc having emotions is new is cute.

~10:00 - I have nothing to say yet about spooky shapes in the fog but I think this shot of Chief back to back with a marine is fun. Also I wonder if Corporal Perez (this character) will still matter 5 minutes from now.

Also looks like the foggy sword fight from the trailer is here, too difficult to get any kind of cap that doesn't suck out loud. I'm thinking about how I heard someone making a big deal about how Season 2 feels "less like a video game" (whatever that means), meanwhile "fog full of stealth sword guys trying to kill you" feels very very video game level.

~13:00 - Man, and I really thought that sword fighting stuff in the trailer was a solid indicator they were dragging Thel 'Vadamee into this mess. Hey guys look, Arbiter's in this season. 4,000 of him!

Additionally, if a bunch of people decide this is a ship the fandom owes me twenty dollars.

~15:00 - Congrats to Perez for surviving five minutes. Also, we're still doing whatever this is:

16 minutes in we finally get the show's opener. (It has the Halo in it now, I don't think it was there before but let's be perfectly honest it's not like I cared a lot.)

~17:30 or something, reminded once again that a lot of people are attracted to this actor

Also guess what, Keyes is an Admiral now I guess????

Do we think he still gets to get eaten by the Flood eventually? Do we think the Flood will even be in here? Place ur bets at the counter.

Anyway, they're basically diving into a big timeskip here where a bunch of planets have been glassed since last season (including Madrigal). This whole AU is weird to the bone in terms of how its timeline is shaking out.

Anyway anyway, aww here we go

"I'm not here to replace Dr Halsey, I'm here because I believe in you!"

Ohhhhh he knows all the Spartans' names already, ohhhhh they want the audience to like this mf so bad, they want it to be such a tweest that he sucks shit-

Moving right along, at 22:30 we have the Rubble having a crowd decide whether various refugees should be spaced or taken into indentured servitude, because of course we do.

tl;dw the nebbish redhead knows where Catherine Halsey is and there's a big bounty out for her and he's trying to use it as a bargaining chip to not die and everyone thinks that's very funny, also Soren is here. I guarantee he decides to go after her, but first we have to have a scene cut back to whatever TV Chief is doing.

Man I'm really noticing they haven't shown the weird ridged rubber tech suit yet this episode, I wonder if they decided to replace it.

Anyway here's Perez, I still think they want people to start shipping:

Then Jimmy Rings has a meeting with tv show's new guy they want you to like so bad.

Also he says "The O-N-I" like a complete tool. (This is how you know he sucks.)

And while I'm talking trash about him: Ackerson stop flirting, didn't they tell you nobody's allowed to be gay in Halo? Get your shit together.

Thus ends the dream of the funniest possible universe where we just had Cortana: The Show forever. Someone get the penny whistle. My heart will not go on. 😢

Fuck, I was doing timestamps, right? I'm like half an hour in.

THEY STILL WANT YOU TO THINK ACKERSON CARES, BY THE WAY, IN CASE YOU DID NOT NOTICE

They're laying this on so thick so fast there's no way he's not a shitweasel in this AU, but also that would be the funniest possible thing to me.

(If anyone ships this, the fandom owes me forty dollars and therapy.)

ANYWAY... Action figure time. (Remember to boycott Jazwares!)

Soren's kid is playing with a MASTER CHIEF ACTION FIGURE and being weird, meanwhile Soren's wife is calling him out on shit and reminding him that refugees being turned away is, you know, bad.

Congrats to Soren's wife for continuing to be the most unexpectedly sympathetic supporting character I guess, but they made Soren so unlikable off the 1st season it's hard for me to feel investment of any kind here.

35 minutes in: the Spartans are watching a space TV broadcast. They have Ca-ADMIRAL. Admiral. Admiral Keyes presenting the Colonial Cross to Corporal Perez for blah blah blah you saw the start of the episode. The shape of the ceremony and the hovering tv drone thing are obvious H2 references.

(Does this mean Perez is our Sergeant Johnson now? Vote with your phones.)

Get your face out of here, Ackerson, I know what you are.

Oh god there's another team of Spartans (Cobalt) and having adult Spartan-IIs call each other names like children is fucking weird.

Aaaaand tumblr is capping the number of images I can post here and I'm still only about half way done. Fuck. I am not doing this this way for Episode 2 I can promise you that.

(Also hey look the tech suit is back, I guess Silver Team doesn't use it so much anymore to show you they're more human now or whatever?)

[molsno]

mama from aitsf is nonbinary and does drag, not a trans woman. she's not meant to represent trans women, she's just queer and said "fuck gender i'll do what i want". you personally may not relate to her but i'm sure if you went to enough irl queer spaces you'd see someone like her. it's not transmisogynistic just because she doesn't conform to your ideas of what nb people are "supposed to look/act like". log off go outside

congrats on doing the exact thing I was complaining about

mama is a stereotype of a trans woman based on the conception that our genders are a performance, that we have "weird" genders, that we're sex perverts, etc. she's voiced by a cis man, calls her appearance a costume, constantly flirts with male characters despite it making them uncomfortable, and in aini she's taken on the orientalist fortune teller stereotype in which she makes jokes about rubbing her (crystal) "balls". her "sex" is listed as "gender neutral". you're seriously gonna sit here and tell me she was made from an actual place of understanding about people like me?

I swear to god aitsf fans shut their brains off the minute they found out that there's a bury your gays-style gay couple in the game and just started assuming kotaro uchikoshi can do no wrong. like wow cool, he's publicly supported trans people on twitter. that doesn't mean he's now a perfect trans ally who's perfectly able to write people like us in his games. the man won't even write canonically sapphic characters because he can't conceive of a woman who's not sexually available solely to men. and I'm supposed to trust him to write transfem nonbinary characters? get the fuck outta here

[myrfing]

i guess maybe on a broader scale this is a Boyhood issue & I always reiterate this but like. getting your ass beat for crying or showing weakness or coming off as gay and having people grope you as a “joke” is like. Well congrats this is also a “girlhood” experience

[jesncin]

(sorry I know you don't like talking about MAWS too much, but) do you think the voice actors did a good job with what they were given? I wish so badly that they had better material to work with, especially as a fan of many of them (ps just placed the first hold for the currently-on-order-at-my-local-library Lunar Boy! Congrats on your hard work paying off as such an epic creation, I can't wait to read it! 🎉)

I don't mind talking about MAWS (in moderation hehe)! And also, thank you for ordering Lunar Boy at your local library!! YEAAH AWOOGA!! ahem.

I know the voice actors picked for MAWS are beloved by people (and I was excited for a fresh take), but none of them stuck out to me- which I found really disappointing since I adore the STAS cast so much. Some of the reads are straight up bad. I've unfortunately memorized the show from writing detailed metas about it and, in order to cope, my twin and I have many running jokes about some of the dialogue reads asdfasf. Some faves:

ep 8's "There was an ACCIDENT and Superman CAUSED IT!" a background character says this line and it's the funniest thing in the world to me

I think Alice Lee had residue Heathers energy in her Lois performance because sometimes her line reads have a mean-girl energy for no reason. Lines like ep 4's "nobody NORMAAAL believes in aliens!" and her classic xenophobe line in ep 8 "just try being NORMALL??" whenever she says "normal" is has the energy of a prep school girlie bullying you for being gay asdfaf. This isn't adult jaded mean Lois woman energy it sounds preppy and I've decided to find joy in the pain.

"Did you LIE about YOUR FEELINGS FOR ME??" hahaha man

Sorry to pick on Alice Lee but she tripped on her lines in ep 2 when she's talking with Jimmy at the park near the end of the conversation and it's so weird. Like first-take weird.

Alice Lee again sorry but her punk edgy Lois voice in the multiverse episode is actually painful to listen to!! It's clearly an uncomfortable range for her voice. It's like a prep school girlie trying to be a butch I'm sorryyy

Jack Quaid's Superman/Clark voice was grating after a while! There's so little to no difference between his Supes and Clark voice, so Supes just sounds like a whiny child for much of the show. I yearn for Tim Daly's voice,,,

Some characters are straight up miscast in my opinion! Chris Parnell brings 0 menace or presence to Deathstroke, I can not take him seriously. Mxy's voice (David Errigo Jr) doesn't match his character design and looks the most out of place. Livewire's voice actress (Zehra Fazal, who I know is competent elsewhere and I'm sure many of these actors were just done dirty by bad writing and direction) simply can not beat the charisma of Lori Petty in STAS. And Lex looks and sounds awful, like we knew they couldn't beat Clancy Brown's STAS!Lex but they didn't even try.

I thought General Lane's actor was the most decent voice (has menace and presence) but even then in ep 8 when he says "Negative. After this operation, Superman will cease to be a problem. PERMANENTLYYYYY." HAHAHA it's so bad he hisses that last part.

Mallah's French accent is awful. Maybe get an actual French actor.

Jimmy's voice acting wasn't awful but some lines really took me out of the scene. He gets chased by robots and says "ruuuuun" in a way that actually confused me as I watched it.

Sooo yeah. Not a fan of the voice acting in this show! Which surprised me, because I figured they would do better with STAS being the last show preceding it with such memorable voices.

[chaesonghwas]

hi dear! for the kiss prompt, could you do piarles + 14?

Hello darlingggg💕💕 TYSM FOR THE PROMPTTT💖🫶🏽

piarles + 14. casually

Pierre didn't mean to do it, he swears.

It just slipped out, casual and comfortable like a second nature.

---

They'd been chatting with some of the others, trying to kill time before their media duties were due to start for the day - George, Alex, Lando and Pierre thinks Daniel must've been around there as well.

The conversation had been going swimmingly, but he was thinking about one thing and one thing only.

Secret relationship and all, he realizes maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to sneak into Charles' bedroom last night if now he was terribly sleepy, and all he could concentrate on was the shape of his lips while he talked or the sound of his laughter after someone had told a probably stupid joke.

He's so beautiful, fuck, Pierre had thought, and so, when one of the Alpine PR people had called his name in the distance for him to go towards the TV pen, he walked up to Charles and planted a kiss on his lips.

"See you later, cherie." He'd said sweetly and walked off, not realizing he'd caused a series of progressively disbelieving gasps and an undignified squeal from their companions.

Kissing Charles was already an instinct, really. As easy and as natural as breathing, Pierre hadn't really noticed when he'd been doing, regardless of the... huh... secret relationship business.

---

He hadn't realized the full extent of it until after media duties were almost over, when he had a chance to check his phone.

LANDO

MATE????? EXPLAIN

ALEX

Pierre, you've sent George into short circuit

Please help

Charles escaped before he could explain, but you can't run forever bastards

GEORGE

PIERRE GASLY, I SWEAR TO GOD, I SZFZFAFASSAADD

DANIEL

Pierre, my guy

I'm very happy for you

Congrats on the gay sex I guess

MAX

Hello Pierre

Daniel informed me of what happend earlier

So I'm happy for you guys

Really

CARLOS

Mate

Can you tell me why Charles is as red as a tomato and why Lando keeps blowing up my phone asking about him?

Thx

After that and with a little trepidation, Pierre checked on his most important conversation.

CALAMAR❤️

Amour

I love kissing you

But I might have to kill you because everyone has been after me all day and I've had to fight them off

Came face them with me?

Please?

PIERRE

Always