#had to shoehole in the promo

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

cooking, by asmi, because someone wanted this. i can't cook, btw.

Were they joking? Probably. Cheers, @deathwords334, beware what you wish for. NOW BABYGIRLS, BITCHBOYS, AND BOYCOTTERS OF THE BINARY, I WILL... TEACH YOU HOW TO COOK. EXCEPT UH. I CAN'T COOK.

SO I WILL TEACH YOU WHAT I THINK UH COOKING IS. KINDA. FUCK YEAH THERE'S NOTHING I'M BETTER AT THAN EXPLAINING THINGS I AM SEVERELY UNDERQUALIFIED TO EXPLAIN.

STEP I: WASH THE ENDS OF YOUR FORELIMBS

WASH YOUR HANDS. UNLESS YOU'RE USING GLOVES. PLASTIC GLOVES, BECAUSE THE OTHERS WILL CATCH ON FIRE. To be fair plastic gloves might melt into your skin and cause worse damage than--YOU KNOW WHAT JUST WASH YOUR GODDAMN HANDS 99.9% OF GERMS GONE WITH EVERY HANDWASH EVER.

STEP II: FIND SOME REAL ESTATE TO EXIST IN

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BE IN A KITCHEN. IT'S NOT A NECESSITY. YOU COULD ALSO HAVE A BONFIRE. OR A MICROWAVE IN A DORM. IS HEATING UP READY-MADE PASTA COOKING? FUCK YEAH IT IS DON'T GATEKEEP COOKING HERE.

YOU CAN ALSO STAND OVER A CREMATION PYRE AND COOK. IT IS NOT ADVISED. FOR LEGAL REASONS.

STEP III: CONTAIN YOURSELF MY DEAR THOTSON!

DR BEGONE THOTSON! MOVING ON. GRAB A CONTAINER. IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE, YOUR PALMS UP IN SUPPLICATION TO OUR LORD GOD BILDADDY ARE A NATURAL CONTAINER. UNLESS YOU'RE HEATING THE CONTAINER. PLEASE DO NOT HEAT YOUR PALMS. YOU CAN GRAB A SWORD OR SOMETHING AND SKEWER THE FOOD IF YOU'RE DESPERATE.

STEP IV: FIND EDIBLE ORGANIC SUBSTRATES

MAKE SURE YOU HAVE FOOD. ON THE MAGGOTS SERVER, THERE WAS DEBATE WITHIN THE FIRST FEW DAYS OF WHETHER OR NOT CONSENTUAL AND LOCALLY SOURCED CANNIBALISM IS ETHICAL. THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS POST. JUST GRAB SOME FUCKING FOOD UPROOT A BUSH IF YOU HAVE TO.

HELPFUL TIP: BEWARE WILD MUSHROOMS

OH ASMI, WE KNOW, SOME ARE FUCKING HALLUCINOGENICS, SOME ARE POISONOUS, SOME ARE LAXATIV--NO NO NO. NOT MY POINT. SOMETIMES, MUSHROOMS GROW IN CIRCLES. THIS IS A TRAP SET BY THE FAE. @queermarzipan, PLEASE CONFIRM.

DON'T GET TRAPPED BY THE FAE WHILE FORAGING FOR FOOD.

STEP V: IT'S GETTIN' HOT IN HERE MMMKAY

IF YOU'VE MADE IT THIS FAR WITHOUT GETTING BURNED ALIVE, ARRESTED OR KIDNAPPED BY THE FAERIES, CONGRATS! YOU ARE READY TO COOK. UH. YOU NEED HEAT, PROBABLY. IS MAKING A SALAD COOKING? IS MAKING A (NOT GRILLED) SANDWICH COOKING? I DON'T KNOW.

FOR SOME REASON I THINK HEAT IS KEY TO THE COOKING PROCESS.

SO WELL, GET IT HOT! FUNERAL PYRE OR MICROWAVE, GREAT! KITCHEN, PROBABLY A STOVE IN THERE. BONFIRE, GREAT! OKAY I FEEL LIKE STEP FIVE IS THE SAME AS STEP TWO. IT'S FINE.

WORST COMES TO WORST, PUT ON A TV SHOW LIKE GOOD OMENS (NUDGE NUDGE PROMO PROMO WATCH THE FUCKING SHOW IT'S BEAUTIFUL I LOVE I-OKAY SORRY) AND THE HOMOEROTIC TENSION WILL HEAT UP YOUR FOOD.

STEP VI: SPICE IT UP A BIT!

ADD SPICES THE WAY FANFIC WRITERS ADD FINGER BRUSHES, ONE BED, DANCING AND IT SWITCHES TO A SLOW SONG, WING SENSITIV--SORRY UM YES ADD SPICES THE WAY THEY ADD DETAILS TO THEIR SMUT. SPICE AND CHEMISTRY PEOPLE IT'S SPICE AND CHEMISTRY.

COOKING IS GAY.

STEP VII: MOUTHHOLE THAT BITCH

EAT. BONUS POINTS IF SOMEONE WATCHES YOU EAT. OR YOU WATCH SOMEONE EAT. HOMOEROTICALLY. LIKE CROWLEY WATCHES AZIRAPHA--OKAY FINE I'LL SHUSH BUT WATCH THE SHOW IF YOU HAVEN'T.

y'all I think I might not be coping well with life LOVE YOU MAGGOTS REBLOG IF YOU LEARNED SOMETHING AMAZING ABOUT COOKING TODAY! FROM THIS POST I MEAN. NOT IN... GENERAL. I THINK I'M FALLING ASLEEP. FUCK.