#It's just... weird to have my mom read my stuff
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Look at me back on my BS. HC—Shen Yuan looks like Mobei Jun.
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Shen Yuan was a cute guy, at least his mom always said he was. He honestly didn’t care much for his looks. He was a teenage boy, and his interests lied with books, gaming, and trolling the comments section of the PIDW forums.
So maybe this whole thing was the forums fault?
Apparently Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky was going to make his first ever public appearance at a convention—it was exciting stuff seeing as PIDW just received a live action TV deal. (Shen Yuan wondered if the TV show would be able to transform the utter garbage parts into gold.)
Shen Yuan, with the fervor only a true (anti) fan could muster, scrambled to get his hands on a convention ticket the moment they went on sale. His parents even encouraged him! Happy to see him excited for something other than the internet. Securing his place, he also entered the cosplay competition where Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky would be a judge. Because why not? When else would he get to dress like a xianxia character?
It took him a while to decide who he wanted to dress up as. Look, if it were up to Shen Yuan he’d have been Luo Binghe. But, one, he doubted he could pull it off. Two, there were probably going to be a ton of Luo Binghe’s.
“Be the ice king,” his younger sister suggested one evening while the two fo them were hanging out in Shen Yuan’s room. She was busy on her Switch while he was on his laptop.
“Mobei Jun?” He asked, a skeptical look on his face.
“Yeah! You look like him.”
Which was untrue but whatever. Since he didn’t have any other ideas, he spent weeks (months) perfecting his costume, studying every detail from the illustrations and fan art.
(Shen Yuan learned how to sew for this costume!)
(And spent way too much money on commissioning what he couldn’t make.)
“You need to bulk up a bit,” his second older brother suggested one night. “I read some of Proud Immortal Demon Way, and Mobei Jun isn’t a twig like you.”
“Ha, A-Yuan is more of a twink,” his eldest brother teased.
So…Shen Yuan began to work out. He still had a few months until the costume contest.
It was hard at first, but his doctor had been on board. Granted, Shen Yuan couldn’t really get buff within a few months, but he did wind up with the beginnings of abs, his shoulders broadened and his ass looked great. There were a bunch of girls (and some guys) who made eyes at him at school now. Not that Shen Yuan noticed. But, he did notice that for the first time in his 19 years, he felt healthy.
When the day of the convention finally arrived, Shen Yuan found himself subjected to his sister's meticulous and admittedly skilled hand. She styled his already long black hair, adding extensions to achieve the full, flowing mane of Mobei Jun. She also worked some magic with makeup, highlighting his naturally icy blue eyes, which he had always considered a genetic defect, but today they were his greatest asset.
When he looked in the mirror, he barely recognized himself. There stood Mobei Jun, the demon king, imposing and cold. Shen Yuan’s heart pounded with excitement and a tinge of apprehension as he made his way to the convention center. His siblings in tow, because they wanted to root for him. As embarrassing as that was.
Upon arrival, the crowd was bustling with anticipation. Shen Yuan attracted a lot of attention—both for his stunning costume and his uncanny resemblance to Mobei Jun. A lot of people called out “my king!” As he walked by them, his cloak billowing behind him.
Damn, he felt majestic as fuck.
As he stood before the judges—a voice actress, a manhua artist and Airplane himself—he couldn’t help but feel a mix of pride and anxiety.
That was until he saw Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky for the first time. And. Wow. Okay.
Airplane was younger than Shen Yuan thought. Maybe 20; handsome, which was so weird. Square-jawed, in great shape with his DanDaDan graphic tee stretched enticingly over his pecs and biceps. His hair was curly and kept in an attractive undercut. He wore glasses and had ear piercings and a lip piercing and dimples and a sleeve tattoo. What? What the fuck?
Was Shen Yuan experiencing heart palpitations?
Airplane looked exactly how Shen Yuan envisioned Luo Binghe to look.
Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky's dark eyes widened in surprise and delight at seeing a Mobei Jun cosplay. It wasn’t done often, the king was not a fan favorite. But, his jaw dropped as he stared.
Something happened when Shen Yuan and Airplane's eyes met. A zing went up Shen Yuan's spine. Airplane stopped the contest then and there and declared Shen Yuan the winner while jokingly (not really) asking for his phone number. They did get to chat later, one-on-one, when Airplane began to sign autographs into books.
“Well, My King,” Airplane smiled at Shen Yuan, and there went his heart again! Which was bad, and meant that Shen Yuan probably needed to see a doctor. “What name shall I write out as the receiver of this book?”
“Um,” Shen Yuan’s brain scrambled. Did he give his name? Did he coyly say Mobei Jun? Ah, he didn’t know what he was doing! That was his only excuse as he blurted out, “Peerless Cucumber.”
Airplane froze.
Shen Yuan froze.
And then Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky began to laugh.
#now they should kiss#this will forever be my SQH HC#svsss#Shen Yuan#the scum villain's self saving system#svsss cumplane#modern cumplane#cumplane#Shang Qinghua#shen yuan appreciation#airplane shooting towards the sky#svsss mobei jun#svsss luo binghe#Mobei Jun#Luo Binghe#kind of#peerless cucumber
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my personal dumb monkees headcannons that no one asked for
if Peter's shirt is riding up while he's doing something, the others will say (or in Micky's case scream bloody murder) "I can see your bellybutton" and he'll drop whatever he's doing and pull his shirt down and say "guys stoooopppp" (or glare at Micky(the worse thing Peter could do to someone))
mike is a fiend for scented candles. point blank period
when the guys had the money, they paid for davy to get tap lessons. they made fun of him for it at first but saw how much fun he was having so they stopped. eventually they weren't able to pay for the lessons anymore and he had to drop. although I like to think later in life, when they're more financially stable, he does them again (even if he's old)
when mike was with the guys all together for the first time, he finally felt like he could be himself cus the other guys were so loud and outwardly weird and just everything mike was but had to hide away to be a Functional Member of Society
Micky has a mandatory bedtime because if he stays up too late, he'll forget to sleep and kind of go crazy
mike likes a lot of creamer in his coffee. Micky does too, but he only likes weird flavored creamer (think stuff like Snickers creamer or orange dreamcicle). davy drinks coffee black. Peter doesn't drink coffee (except for the one time he did and threw up)
Micky loves to read, it's one of his favorite things. he loves sci-fi and textbooks on chemistry and space. he just hates wearing his glasses, so he rarely reads. when he does its at night. he's like a kindle mom. he opens up a book, gets a bright ass light that clips to the pages, and reads for hours. its really annoying for the other members who need to sleep in total darkness and there's this annoying bright light from the center of the room
if mike doesn't wanna sleep alone, the first person he goes to sleep with is davy. he's small and warm and mike can just wrap himself around him and be totally content
if the others don't wanna sleep alone, they all go for mike. they fight for where on the bed they'll sleep every time
davy has Really Bad separation anxiety so when Mike had to go to Texas for a couple of weeks that one time, he was constantly worried about him and missed him really badly. the day Mike came back, Davy waited by the door like a dog and when mike was home, he jumped on him (and almost broke mikes back but oh well)
they're all one big family in my eyes that'll do anything and everything for each other and are Really Close
#showverse if its not obvious#they're all some kind of neurodivergent in my eyes#Peter and mike are autistic davy has adhd and Micky is both#they're all codependent too tbh#my shaylas#the monkees#mike nesmith#peter tork#davy jones#micky dolenz#headcannons
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Well... thanks to @deaththoushaltdie and the freaking amazing job she did with binding my story into a book, my mom had read my fanfiction. The good news is she enjoyed Journey of a Little Deer. She said, "I laughed, I cried, I held my breath."
The bad news is that now she's delving into the rest of my fanfiction library. Good thing everything is PG 😅.
#It's just... weird to have my mom read my stuff#I currently occupy a very privileged position as one of the “favourite” children. What if this changes her perspective of me?#I'm nearly 40 and still jockeying for position as “favourite”#You're supposed to grow out of that aren't you?#Fanfiction problems
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ok seriously though whoever the hell that anon is like seriously stop. i did not think? i had to say this?? but maybe don’t bring up my sexual trauma in my inbox and use that to psychoanalyze me??? because of the genre i write???? i promise you the skeleton does not care. i promise you this so hard. nobody is being traumatized or offended by this. especially not the character. i promise you cross is not offended or hurt or upset and neither is jakei. i am writing horror because it is a genre i enjoy. you have no need to pry into my personal life to ‘figure me out’ and convince me to stop writing in a very popular genre because it is weird to you or makes you uncomfortable. what makes me uncomfortable is when you try to insert yourself and act holier than thou. you are not better than me because you view the very popular genre i like as morally wrong you’re just a dick
#cw sa mention#anons off again#rant#sorry guys#genhinely it’s just. grgrgrhfh#i am sooooo tired#can people be normal for once please#i am so open about the fact i write horror#if that upsets you then please block the tags i made and shut up about it#don’t go in my inbox trying to be weird and parasocial#you are not better than me because you only enjoy it when things are happy and healthy and everything is fine and no angst!! you have no#right to tell me to enjoy characters like a ‘normal person’!!!! we all die it does not matter#nobody cares! nobody will ever care!!#‘if you showed your family-‘ my mom proofreads for me sometimes#not even kidding#my sister i force to read my stuff too but idk if she actually does#my family did not in fact send me away nor did they think i was insane#they went ok cool sounds like you#and moved on#because normal fucking people#don’t care if someone is a horror writer or writes about toxic relationships#if it was proship stuff id understand. but it is literally Just Horror Content. god
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another thing i've been trying to do recently is read more self-published stuff. "but fell," you say, "you're a self-published author. surely you've been reading self-published stuff all along" and then i laugh for so long in response we both become uncomfortable.
see, the fear (which has for a long time been killing my mind) that i'll read other self-published stuff and find out that it's so much better than mine that i might as well stop writing forever kept me from doing that basically ever. i have a hard time not unfavorably comparing my work to others and had convinced myself i was being smart by withholding an avenue of de-motivation (reader: i was not being smart). it also doesn't help that i'm pretty low income and have a hard time spending money on books i haven't already read, and that self-published stuff isn't always available at the library---but really a lot of it was just me being a coward. which i'm working on. i could talk about how this particular cowardice is Very Silly, but i think enough has been said about it on writeblr and in the Writing Space in general that i don't feel the need to (though i will if anyone wants me to).
instead, i wanna talk about the self-published things i have read in the past few months and ask about the self-published things you love!
so: what happened was i got real sick, and while i was real sick i (naturally) read over 200,000 words of ace attorney fan fiction in the span of a few days. eventually i got bored of it (and also maybe annoyed at how people were characterizing some of my guys), but i still wanted to read something gay and romantic and nice, something i knew was gonna end happily, which isn't my typical fare.
now you may be saying (having gotten over all the uncomfortable laughter from earlier) "fell, you write gay romance. what do you mean that's not your typical fare?" listen. until a couple months ago i hadn't read a cut and dry romance novel since before i finished college. for context: i graduated in 2015. i know it doesn't make sense. i'm a guy who doesn't make sense.
but in this case it worked to my advantage. not the not making sense thing, but the not having read Published Romance in 1000 years thing. I didn't know where to start. I was very skeptical of everything the library had Available Now in the Gay Fantasy Romance category. what if it was all bad and also not good?
and then i scrolled past the familiar cover of our very own @ashen-crest's A Rival Most Vial.
now this was comfortable territory! this was a novel by a very nice writeblr person whose posts i enjoy! i already loosely knew the plot, i was familiar with the characters, i knew the names of things like rosemond street and the griffin's claw and that ambrose had blue hair and that at the end of it all there would definitely be Boyfriends. i didn't have to worry that this would be bad! i only had to worry that it would be really good!
but i wasn't worried about that, because i was officially Not Writing at the time, and because why the hell hadn't i read this book yet Ash literally emailed me some very kind words last year when my cat died??
Y'all, I devoured ARMV. If you haven't read it yet---especially if cozy fantasy is more your thing than it is mine---you should check it out Immediately. It was fun! It was heartwarming! It was sweet and earnest and confident! I was delighted to find it was occasionally hot! Ambrose and Eli snuggled up into my sick exhausted heart and found a permanent little place there. (Especially Ambrose. I have such a thing for Stiff Guys who Kind of Suck for Tragic Backstory Reasons and are So So Lonely They Don't Even Realize It. gawd)
(And a very small part of my brain spent the whole time wondering why I had been so afraid to really engage with the work my community is doing. The community that I'm in. The one I'm a part of. Why?! Maybe more on that later.)
But from there the curse was broken! I immediately devoured @stjohnstarling's What Manner of Man in a similar sort of frenzy (and hooooly shit guys am I excited for the expanded, finalized version to come out at the end of next month!) and started digging into @lurinatftbn's The Flower that Bloomed Nowhere (which I can already tell is going to be an All Time Favorite).
And now I want to ask you what your favorite self-published books are so that I can read them, too, but I think I will in another post that doesn't dedicate so much space to talking about my various and sundry Issues and isn't Terminally Long
#my god the library. darling. beloved. breath of my life and heart of my soul.#i should make a post about her#also. and maybe i'll make a separate post about this at some point too#but i truly think the free serialized webnovel rough draft ala What Manner of Man is The Future#i should probably make a whole separate post about all these novels too tbh.#boutta become Posting Guy. The Guy Who Posts#and writes novels in the tags. but i've always been like that#i never talked about the dream i had where i was emry karic from the lutesong series did i? i totally meant to. fucked up!#so i had a dream where i was emry karic.#I (emry karic) was fleeing a bunch of elves in a forest with my mom and sister (who were fully my irl mom and sister)#they thought i had done a murder and were chasing me (emry karic) with spears and stuff. they almost caught me#but i managed to escape. later i came upon a weird old-timey fantasy carnival.#and for some reason one of the fun attractions at this carnival was A Day in Court#where you watch someone defend themselves in court.#you'll never guess who had to defend himself in court and what the charges were!#notably there were no other characters from the lutesong series involved.#and i also have yet to read any of the books in the lutesong series. emry and his flower crown simply invaded my brain out of nowhere#i thought about turning this post into separate posts or rewriting it or smthn because it's so long and all over the place but#that sort of defeats the whole trying to just post and not be so up my own ass about it that i never actually post thing#so here you go#if you are also someone who struggles or once struggled with reading other people's stuff because of self esteem issues. hi!#we're now spidermen pointing at each other
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starting to kind of date someone right before christmas is so stressful fr. do i get him a gift or what we've been on two dates but i'm seeing him tonight n it's christmas eve.....but what if he didn't get me anything then it will be weird.....
#i planned to try to find something small enough that i could easily carry around concealed then take it out if he got something for me#but the thing i got ened up being a bit too big for that lol#im gonna bring a big bag of gifts for all my friends maybe and then it won't be weird idk#by some miracle my mom showed me a bag of emergency gifts for the girlies and i was like cool im taking all of them tonight 😂#which was not what she intended lol#but im gonna do it#if i had time i would have gotten him something different but its good enough#he mentioned a book he hadn't read last night so would have been cool the got him that but its too late its a music hat now#if he even got me anything idk#but he specifically told me he was last minute christmas shopping so idk#i am over analyzing this for sure tho#anyway most unrealistic part of christmas romance movies is they're not anxious wondering whether to gift or not to gift#also im lowkey scared abt new years 😳#not that i wouldn't like to kiss him probably but i already have a hard time looking at him without blushing 😂#so that would make it 10000x worse lmao#also idk if i want to kiss him JUST bc its new years instead of waiting for the right moment to just happen? idk i dont wanna rush things#its not for sure we'll be together at midnight on new years idk what his plans are#but we'll see#anyway things are going well but moving faster than expected 😅#also not 100% sure i'm seeing him tonight and def not tomorrow so that might take the gift pressure off but idk#waiting to hear back abt tonight#😐😐😐#also idk why we waited until we were both on break from work to do stuff bc honestly every time we've met it's been after work hours anyway#however it allows us to stay up later than on work nights which is nice#he didn't leave my house until after 11 last night lol#anyway trying hard not to get swept up in all this while its new but fr im like oh this is what it's supposed to feel like 🥺#never been in love before every relationship i've had was awk and forced was starting to think maybe im just not capable of love#but literally cuddling on the couch watching it's a wonderful life last night i was like hm i'm definitely capable of love actually#not saying im actually there yet but it would be soooo easy to fall for this guy which is p scary actually#esp bc im not sure it would work for other reasons
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Maybe I'm projecting and being hopeful but I mentioned to M that I don't even get to shit by myself in peace lmao and I feel like something clicked for him. Bc I was like hey, at least you get private bathroom breaks at work (noncombative). And since then he's been a lot more acquiescent when I ask if I can nap and stuff
#he's never rly said no he just used to be like 'well whaf if i want to nap' like in the early parenting days#which evolved into 'yeah i guess'-type responses#lately he's more like 'yeah!' like his tone is less. whatever it was before#same with any requests i make in general like if he'll put e down for bed and stuff#idk my weird episode epiphany thing i went through last week has me feeling much less patient and self-questioning#it's just a fact that constantly asking myself if i'm being considerate enough of others has done nothing for me#like it hasn't even improved my relationships.. i don't really have any lol#like i'm done biting my tongue bc idk if i've properly considered their perspective.. i end up blowing up at minor things as a result anyway#like it makes me a worse partner fr#i also really feel like i've been putting daggers thru my own spirit by doing this for so long#like i need to stop troubleshooting my existence like 'what if i conform this way' 'what if i conform that way'#here's what if: you will be profoundly unhappy and no one who you love will truly know you#this is such a tangent off what i started talking about but basically i'm done reflexively wondering#every time i feel wronged disrespected etc. if actually i'm the one in the wrong. it really is reflexive#the way m's mom responded to me setting a boundary was a wake up call like apparently she just read into what i was saying too much#so hypothetically it wasn't the boundary she was angry about but how she thought i set it#but like i don't have any time for you if my extremely sincere and straightforward communication isn't good enough for you#like i'm not going to be understanding of your inability to take me at face value we didn't both fuck up. You did#and that's how i'm going to act. like You fucked up. yk
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And now I'm feeling shitty like ppl are going to think im like faking or milking this. Like I thought abt having another "sorry for mistakes, I'm sick" note at the start of chapter 3 but ive done that too many times i feel like i don't have the right to pull that card AGAIN
Because I was so sick before and just kept whining about it forever and i know ppl had to be thinking god this bitch is STILL sick. And now i was barely better and already im sick AGAIN.
It also doesn't help that porphyria is an extremely weird... almost.... dramatic? disease. And even from person to person it varies wildly, i don't get the same symptoms as family members with it
I know it sounss so fake. This morning i was 100% fine, now I'm in severe pain and my head feels weird almosr like I'm disassociating, my foot hurts, my hands might stop working. And it's all bc i went a day without eating and now i have to make sure i eat a ton of carbs or I'll get significantly worse
It sounds like I'm making shit up, but just google acute intermittent porphyria, it's all real, my nervous system can just randomly go from fine to complain fucked in a matter of hours
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^ just a random assortment of screenshots because the generalized anxiety disorder and/or porphyria caused heightened anxiety are telling me that everyone is fed up with my bullshit and thinks I'm lying and I have to prove that I'm actually suffering from a real condition that can make me this sick this fast and can come back so soon and I'm not just milking things for sympathy and attention
#im also having anxiett bc so many websites are saying aip attacks really need treatment or there's high odds of longterm complications like#PERMANENT nerve damage and it's freaking me out bc i literally would not be able to get treatment due to Reasons. but im making myself feel#a little better by going conspiracy brain? ive known i most likely had aip for more than a decade and read everything i could find abt it#before i even had my first attack bc every woman on my mom's side had it so i wanted to know. and i STG i NEVER saw shit abt permanent#damage/longterm complications before. and whats making me go conspiracy abt is that theres one key difference between now and when i was#first reading about it: there are now 2 fda approved aip treatments that did not exist back then. one of them is specifically marketed as a#drug given at the start of an attack to prevent longterm damage. idk maybe im just crazy and the porphyria's affecting my brain but it feel#really weird to me idk :// i DO remember my sister having some kidney complications related to it and reading abt longterm liver issues but#NOTHING like the permanent nerve damage stuff ive been reading abt today. everything i ever read before would say the neurological symptoms#would go away within days/weeks after the end of the attack#and the thing w my sister's kidney issues was it had nothing to do w not getting treatment. it was just a perfect storm of bad luck iirc#it was when we lived near a gr8 teaching hospital and she was getting proper treatment quickly for each attack and still had the problems
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god, i suck at mario 2. i'm disparaging my legacy.... seriously, how the fuck have i beaten the lost levels without save states but can't get past 1-3 in american mario 2???? why am i not instantly good at a game i've never really played, god!!!! my mother would be disappointed in me
post writing the tags turtle here: i started rambling about my childhood made the tags longer than the actual post and don't feel like putting them onto the actual post because that'd be too much work and i'm feeling lazy. read em if you want personal bullshit! or don't. i'm not care
#one of the few luxuries we had growing up was a super nintendo#it was pretty much exclusively my mom's. and some of my earliest memories are watching her play super mario all stars and a link to the pas#she only specifically ever played mario 2 and 3. i never saw mario 1 or the lost levels as a kid#guess they're not as replayable to her. she says she's beaten both once#for some reason i remember playing a fair amount of donkey kong country. we had all 3 of them#i think as a kid i got farthest in the 3rd one? always got weird vibes from that one but it was still fun#growing up *my* home console was an N64. mom didn't really like it for whatever reason so it usually lived in my room#i still remember buying majora's mask from a toy store that's not in business anymore. i think that was one of my only games that wasn't a#hand-me-down. i think it was that and turok rage wars#as far as i remember everything else was given by a relative or a relative's boyfriend or something#still don't know where a lot of them went#i used to have the tony hawk games on there. and i think i remember gex? i think those were my cousins boyfriends stuff#i guess he took em back at some point#last i heard about that cousin she was in jail wacked out on drugs#i remember her boyfriend being a good guy. i think she got him on drugs or something. bad influence i guess#i hope he's doing better now. as an adult i'd say he's too good for her#or maybe i'm just nostalgic for one of the only positive male figures i had as a child. hell if i know#tags are now longer than the actual post. i don't feel like movin em to the post now. too much work#oh well! such is life#or as the franch say... Say Luh V!#i hope reading that made a francophone physically hurt. i hope they feel pain because of me#sorry that's not very nice. i'm not gonna delete that though.
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#really randomly fell down a weird rabbit hole today#i was watching the X-Files and finally felt like reading up on david duchovny#like i see u fellow slav what kind of slav are you#so i opened up his wikipedia article and saw that his dad was jewish and from ukraine and went like AHA WE ARE THE SAME#and just out of curiosity looked up the place he's from because im curious about jewish shtetls in the ukraine#because my whole family except my biological father is from several of them and i thought hey maybe they were neighbors#which they fucking are omg theyre just 20km apart#my greatgreatgrandma is from makhnivka which i even found articles and history about and how the jewish population grew & declined#even though i did not find any steinbergs in the archives#anyway when i read up on Berdychiv where duchovnys family is from it said#early settlement by the Chernyakhov Culture#which was an archeological culture between 200 and 500 CE existing at the same time as the roman empire#....... is this how i finally find out where my name is from??????? like?????????#i wish i knew so much more than i do#like i only found out that im not russian i was just born in russia like 7 years ago or so??? because my mom never tells me anything#all the information about my great great grandparents and where theyre from is from my grandma#and her dementia is really bad now and shes just angry and screams and calls people names#my russian is too bad to properly read up on stuff like that and theres barely anything in english or german#i just want to know idk#but genetic testing is too expensive and also very america centric and the only family i have in the us is super conservative#i had to block them on facebook when my grandma made me write to them once over 10 years agl#and i know a huge chunk of my grandmas family moved to israel too so i dont want anything to do with that either#although id be curious if it would actually find my half siblings i found out about also like 8 years ago#i just wish there were more archives and more people i could talk to about this#on my grandfathers side theres nothing really left#my grandfather passed suddenly and apparently before he did he took ALL THE FAMILY PHOTOS AND DOCUMENTS somewhere to maybe digitalise them#but we dont know where so theyre literally gone for ever#but his whole family was from kiev and is apparently named after this culture era#his dad was a higher up at a sugar factory and i still cant find anything#my grandma had so many cousins and they were so interconnected and knew so much and i literally just have my mom and no one else
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one thing about me is that if the fridge smells bad its over for me. i will not eat anything stored in that fridge that wasnt in a sealed container.
#having to clean the rotting vegetables out of the crisper in our yearly clean out has ruined me#for information my mom is a food hoarder but she also has orthorexia and so she only buys healthy (read: perishable) food#so our fridge always smells like shit because even when the food goes bad she can't throw it away and if i throw it away i get yelled at#and also fun fact about having rotting food in the fridge. it makes anything uncovered also taste like rot#i tend to shy away from leftovers because i dont trust the tupperware to keep the taste out#bitches will be like 'autism doesnt effect me that bad' and then do shit like this#my mom is like 'why cant you buy stuff in bulk just get the big container and keep it in the fridge once you open it'#mom it will get thrown away anyway because i'll imagine maggots in it and get so skeeved out i wont be able to eat anything like that#when i was a kid i saw a weird gluten formation in a bagel and i thought it was a silverfish#and my dad made me eat it anyway#and i couldnt eat bagels for literal years#shush up jj#personal
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SOOOOO I was supposed to go on a movie date last week but my bf slept til noon and missed the time because he forgot to set up an alarm so we had to change it for today 💀
B U T this time it worked!! And since I came a bit earlier to the mall I had some time to take a look at the bookstore near the cinema and LOOK WHAT I FINALLY FOUND
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/4902812896041961d06888a03f46e3ab/47aa11b3b1194bcc-c6/s540x810/2027b5d98981c453e1d7806e88efdac3cccb125f.jpg)
IM SO SO HAPPY BUYING THE BSD MANGA IS LITERALLY MY DREAMMMM
And btw we went to see The Boy and The Heron, this movie is a pure work of art 110% reccomend it
Best day ever 🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️
#i LOVE all ghibli movies sm#my mom wanted to see what the mangas I bought were and I was so terrified she would read the description 💀💀#but luckily she just saw the cover and went like okay#it was so so fun my bf is lame and stupid and weird sometimes but I feel like hes one of the few ppl I cam say literally anything to#Im very reserved and quiet irl so its really nice having someone like this#studio ghibli#bsd#bungou stray dogs#the boy and the heron#date#random stuff#movie date#yea :D
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trying to figure out why I feel so tense and weird and off the rails and it’s because tomorrow is A Day and I actually need to do something about it
#vent#cw parent stuff I guess?#idk just don’t read if you don’t want to#my relationship with my family has always been turbulent and I thought I had basically removed myself from it#but now I’m pretty sure my parents are separating for real this time and I feel very weird!!!#also finding out my mom is like really depressed and lonely is hurting my heart so here I am making my way back…#it doesn’t absolve any of the things I’ve been through with them but also…. I feel guilty at this point not stepping in#ugh. any way I’d like to maybe talk them into therapy so I don’t have to play therapist while being a victim of their shit marriage 🫠#wurm.txt
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It's either coming up to my period again OR I've just developed a disease where I get misty eyed at even the most banal sequences and scenes in ghibli movies. I was crying during the early parts of ponyo
#ramblings of a lunatic#ponyo is not a very emotional movie i just kept being like#OUGHHH LITTLE BABY...LITTLE BABY HAS TO TAKE CARE OF HIS MOM WHILE HIS DAD IS AWAY AT SEA...OUGH LITTLE FISH GIRL#nothing as bad as when i was crying during every scene in kikis delivery service tho lmao#i still haven't seen very many ghibli movies but they're all pretty wonderful#i had another art exam today so i think I'm gonna chill for the rest of the night now that's i watched the cute fish movie#I'll watch something new soon (i am eyeing that movie ever after 👁️👁️ sorry i still can't kick the fairytale spinterest revival rn)#but until then I'm gonna have fun#be silly hehe#I'm also at a weird place with my toh hyperfix where like. i went through intense pre-grief (is that?? what it's called)#like. near the beginning of the month#just being so so sad about it ending and the inevitable fandom dwindle that'll come with that (OBJECTIVE WORST PART!!!)#but that pre-grief was so intense that now I'm at a weird place of peace with it#once the shows over I'll probably start being able to actually like. watch and read other things now hsbdjdhfk#but i imagine it'll stay my main interest (to u guys. I'm more complex irl) for a good while (i wanna make more art i wanna try writing!!!)#just with other stuff spliced in as it comes (i wanna get back on reading sailor moon. maybe check in on deltarune again)#(TRY and get back into tlt again. hell maybe I'll check in on comics again! who knows)#but tbh as long as i find toh on my dash i doubt I'll ever really leave it behind lol#again- a relatively positive fandom experience plus a deep connection with the work is a recipe for me being Not Normal forever#I'm. making less sense as this goes on#anyway. you get it! I'm a big cry baby but also I'm at a state of peace for the moment. yeehaw
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We’re having an emergency meeting to discuss Chris Johnson and the whitest name ever
absolutely fitting for our white man now innit
#snap chats#speaking of White People and names tho.. i drove out to barnes and noble because if i stayed at my mom's any longer id go insane#and while i was here i read the entirety of My Brother's Husband. VERY good series it was so good i loved it...#its not in my budget today to buy the whole set but maybe one day.. mike flanagan i love you you're so happy and good..#WAIT IT GOT A LIVE ACTION SERIES ????? I HAVE TO WATCH IT LATER I WAS JUST THINKING IT'D BE GOOD AS A JDRAMA#what i did buy today tho was the second volume of The Yakuza's Bias since i loved the first one so much#and ive been PRAYING the second one'd come out soon#i also got another kirby blind box </3 its supposed to sit on your drinking glass but i didnt see who i got yet..#i hope its not meta knight. i love meta knight but i want some variety...#im hoping its the sleeping kirby one but it was hard to hear the difference so idk#and im not checkin til later so i doont get tempted to return what i got to get a new one like a freak ☠️#SO SAD THO when i was getting my stuff they didnt have any more butterfly bookmarks...#i always get one when i go out and sure i have more than enough bookmarks but now it feels weird...#anyway. im gonna get food i havent eaten all day... tho i did want chicken and soju later didnt i...#maybe ill just get something light here i just came here for the wifi honestly lol#god what else did i do.. OH THERE WAS THIS ONE MANGA.#i forget the full name but it had 'akane' in the title so of course i was like 'lol' and decided to read the blurb#IN THE STORY HER DAD'S NAME IS ARAKAWA ? but all of his teachers also have the surname arakawa but theyre not related#arakawa must be a ral impotrant name in the manga.... point is i lol'd#i almost wanna go back to. stopping this post now to do it LOL HANG ON BRB#AKANE-BANASHI THAT'S WHAT IT WAS CALLED and she wanted to be the best rakugo performer after her father's teacher#also named arakawa. As I Said.#failed everyone for no reason#maybe one day ill check it out.. always thought rakugo was a fine art...#anyway im rambling too much im gonna try to write a fanfic. no way in hell im drawing rgg in public LMAO#actually im gonna get food first.. as i said i havent eaten all day... ok bye#anon im so sorry if you ever read these tags LMAO I JUST LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY DAY
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Man
#My friend forgot that they said theyd come to my house today and even though i texted them.aboht it at 1pm which they read at 3pm they#didnt bother saying ANYTHING to me until literaly rivht now (its nearly 7pm so tge day is effecrively over)#and like. my friend is autistic (so am I obviously) so on one hand im like yeah they probably dont know any better but on the other hand i#WOULDVE known better not because im good with empathy or social stuff but just bc i put in an effort#and like . well what would i say cause. like i said theyre autistic im sure its not great to get upset with an autistic person for doing#something autistic BUT LIKE ITS STILL HURTFUL!!! AND IM AUTISTIC MYSELF#but my mom raised me to be like so painfully aware and competent (in real life online obviously i act like a madman) that its near#impossible for me to hang out with other autistic/adhd people without feeling like their fuckin dad bc they refuse to put in any effort#into our friendship beyond exactly that they feel like doing#and stuff like this is constantly happening like hanging out with them is always overshadowed by the fact that i have to plan everything#and take care of everything and remind them of everything bc otherwise they literally want altho i KNOW they can#*wont#but at the same time im TOO weird to hang out with neurotypicals but with other nd people its always shit like this#and there are few things i hate as much as having to take care of people in contexts like this esp cause it just means i have to mask way#more cuz the others wont put in the slightest effort meanwhile ANY social interaction is like moving a mountain for me ive just gotten#so used to the effort BC WHAT ELSE DO I FUCKING DO I DONT WANNA DIE ALONE#but neither of my friends are as driven with tbis as i am. like if theyre not motivated to do something they literally wont do it#and like im rarely motivated either but THERE IS NO CHOICE BUT TO DO IT !!! but bc i guess their parents never enforced any rules now#they are exhausting to deal with
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