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inbabylontheywept · 3 months ago

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bad dating stories time: the shoe incident

so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.

at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.

he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?

and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.

but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.

i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?

(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)

and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.

i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.

that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.

i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.

anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.

i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.

we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.

he was okay at it.

eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.

soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.

realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:

"i can't get pregnant"

which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.

still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"

and then i was in my car, and i drove away.

if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.

and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.

WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.

we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.

do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.

and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.

then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.

and then they started making out.

i was close enough to hear it.

i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.

so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.

now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.

so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.

about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.

my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.

my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.

they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?

and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.

#dating stories #anecdotes #long post #funny story #babylon #im really bad at dating #like i can do a lot better than this but also it just was kind of a nightmare for me #shit like this did make the whole thing easier tho #like #every date after this i could go you know ive seen how bad it can get #and i lived #didnt even get shot #writing

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poetryvampire · 2 months ago

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(2/2) they could enjoy a kind gentleman on their arm for a moment 💭, they didn't intend to overstep 👍, they had experienced physical contact through their sparring sessions but there's tension between them 😳, it's easy for them to step over the line they created for Zevlor & only realised later (⁠☉⁠｡⁠☉⁠)⁠!, they felt foolish 😔, it's summer but it's wet & cold 💦, Rolan seems to become cold & distant towards them 😐, they're sure he's avoiding them whenever he can 😞, he insisted on working alone when they tried to offer to assist him ❌🫴, they realised how Rolan chose not to look at them despite facing across them 🥲, they're sad as he's willing to talk to Wyll but not even look at them 😢, they noticed how he only distanced himself from them & Zevlor 💔, they felt fearful & dizzy 😰😵‍💫, they couldn't hide how distressed they as they excused themselves 😭, Zevlor followed them in case they needed help 🫴, they reassured him when they noticed Rolan looking at them for a moment 👀, they spent most of the night tossing because of their worries 😣, they tried to hold back their tears 😭, it felt indulgent to think that Rolan is jealous or he likes them like me 😔, they thought it didn't feel like he would or he's better at hiding 🤔, they woke up early to distract themselves 💭 , they decided to have a sparring session with Zevlor since he's awake already ⚔️, they don't come close to his skills & experience despite being a skilled fighter 🗡️, he fought fiercely as he could tell they need a distraction 😤, they're uncertain if they're losing because he stopped going easy on them or it's their worries 🤔, their swings were clumsy as they're becoming more frustrated 😫, they tried to throw off his balance but it backfired 😅, they laughed 🤣 at their dumb idea & his confused look 🤨, they're pretty sure he was about to scold them but didn't 🤐, both of them looked at each other as he's on top of them 👀, just the description of him sounds lovely 😍, they had dreamed of this happening that they instinctively held his shoulders to keep him there 🤭, they could feel his breath on them 🫁, their heart was hammering 💓, they thought of stopping themselves but both of them couldn't resist 💭, he tensed at their aggressive kiss 💋, he matched them as he welcome their tongue 👅, they could feel the ridges on his chest through his tonic 😳, he kissed & sucked on whatever skin he could find 💋, they slipped past his shirt to carress his stomach 😏, he rolled his hips against them which both of them moaned 😳, he decided to stop 🛑, he's frustrated as he apologised which they did too 👍, he said he didn't want it to happen like this 🥺, they're conflicted between wanting to ask him & using their lack of sleep as an excuse like me 😅, he explained he couldn't find the right timing & he wants to do it after properly courting them 🥺, he held them gently with his rough hands 🥰, he told them that he adores them 😍, he looked into their eyes which they couldn't help but be so happy & pleading for a kiss 🥺, this kiss is slow & tender 😚, they felt him longing for them like they're holding back although they tried not to get ahead of themselves 🥺, they could feel him smile as he pulled away ☺️, they were about to say something but they noticed Zevlor looking behind them 👀, they shivered before turning to see it's Rolan (⁠゜⁠o⁠゜⁠; his shock (⁠●⁠_⁠_⁠●⁠) to disdainful grimace ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ, Rolan did tell them that there's breakfast before leaving 🥞, they called him name but he increased his speed instead 😔, they're rooted down as they didn't dare to look at him 😣, Zevlor asked if he misunderstood but they told him he didn't 👍, he understands but is still disappointed 😞, they apologised but he reassured them with a kiss on their hand too 😘, and his comment about their interest in tieflings made me laugh 😂 Thank you so much for doing my request because I love it so much and I'm looking forward to the second part :) Please take your time though!

Again thank you you're too good. I'm so so happy you're into and thank you so much for you patience I always end up taking so much longer than I want to. 🙏🩷🩷🩷🩷

#Ask #It's getting there tho

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