#It's been a long time since I last watched any BL animation at all and want to see one

[catmaid-san]

When AI hits even MDZS

One of the best BLAnime....dun dun dun ~~~ The Untamed!!

What even in the Fuck is this??????? The Untamed?? Even Using the shittiest MTL wouldn't get you this translation of Mo Dao Zu Shi.

But then the next description got me kicked out to the next Galaxy:

I'm pretty sure this is not MDZS.

WWX, reigning??? Since when??? Where??? WWX, being assassinated by his "allies?? But Which ally?!! WangXian, began practicing to unravel the mystery that surround their world??? What fucking mystery??? What kind of Practice did WangXian need to do???? What in the fuckin AI story description is this??????

[iguessitsjustme]

Takara's Treasure Ep 1 & 2 Thoughts

 Okay so I just finished Cosmetic Playlover (here is the start of my liveblog if you want to read) and I’m still on the JBL train so it’s time for Takara’s Treasure. I know so little about this show it kind of feels like I’m going in blind but I do know some things. Kind of. Under the cut:

That is my exact question baby boy. What constitutes “a wrong crowd”

NOT THE CHERRY BLOSSOMS WHEN HE APPEARS LKSJDGHKDJFHGKH

Oh he loves plants. I’m obsessed. Love him. 

So because of how I do these liveblogs, you guys do not know how long it takes me to watch each episode. Y’all can just read the next bullet right away but I need to mention how doing these has helped me notice a pattern for myself. It always takes me sooooo long to start getting into shows. I started this episode about an hour ago and I’m not done yet. The episode is 23 minutes long. It takes me so long because I either get distracted or interrupted, but the second I start feeling very attached to the characters, it’s game over and I start flying through the episodes. Especially on a binge. It’s just fascinating to me and I’m kind of glad you guys can’t tell because it is genuinely very frustrating sometimes to want to watch a show and have to fight my brain to keep going because it got distracted (or sometimes it’s because I’m having a flare up and I need to break from the show to deal with it). Anyway, with that said, time to get back on track. I can at least finish episode 1.

Aw the poor baby who lost his bird. I saw this coming but it hurts. I lost my pets a few years ago really tragically (do not ask me about this I will not answer any questions) and it hurts so bad still. I struggle with pets/animals in shows that pass away. It is one of the very, very few things that is actually likely to make me cry. So I get it. Sitting on the mountain and crying all day? Good. Let him process that grief. Let it out baby boy let it out.

What has this man been through? What traumas has he suffered? That is a look of a man who has dealt with some shit. Which means I am going to love him. I am going to absolutely adore him, aren’t I?

Yeah I’d fall in love too. Look at this soft, quiet smile.

Oh sweetie baby he made friends! I’m attached now.

Well since the episodes are short, let’s also do episode 2! Wooo! (send help I feel unwell in multiple ways)

As it turns out..feeling unwell made me fall asleep and it is now the next day. But now I’m about to BINGE. God bless. (pain meds my beloved…yes, I was at cvs at 7 this morning don’t look at me)

I love her AND her pants.

I’m not gonna lie guys, I kind of miss the god awful wigs in Japanese BL. Give me wigs like the ones in Seven Days.

I just spilled cheez-its ALL OVER MY COUCH. It is 9 in the morning. I think I’m actually done with the day now. *eats my last applesauce*

Nooo baby don’t tell him to get rid of the hoops. I like the hoops. Don’t change to studs booo

This baby is so cute asking if he can talk to Takara on campus (It’s Takara and Taishin, right? Also I hope I don’t have their names swapped in my head)

Anyway. He’s so cute. Most people would just start talking to him on campus but he asked if it was okay. Oh my precious baby insecure about How to Friend and it’s just delightful.

What a nice man giving up his seat on the bus. I wish I could do that. I mean I can but it hurts me to stand sometimes. But I love when shows give us tiny little human moments like that. It’s so wholesome and beautiful.

Girl he doesn’t owe you an explanation for not dating you. If he said “no” that’s all the info you are entitled to. Just because he’s single doesn’t mean he’s yours. Gosh that really irks me. I think that’s why I have a problem with the faen fatale trope in a lot of BLs. Because the other person never seems to view our BL boy as an actual person with wants and desires. They project their wants and desires onto them and I don’t know…it’s just annoying to watch. I’m glad it’s not as prevalent as it once was.

Mr. Man on the sidewalk. It is 9:30 in the morning. What could you possibly be screaming about?

Oh I am so smart. Takara is so smart. Took the words right out of my mouth. Literally.

I want all of those umbrellas.

Okay okay I can forgive this show for swapping out the hoops for studs if it’s because Takara likes glassware.

I love this man that Taishin keeps meeting at the bus/bus stop. He’s just so human and kind.

I’ve seen Takara smile twice now and both times the smile has been soft and gentle and aimed at Taishin and I love them both so much.

Whelp. Time for episode 3 methinks

[mikuni14]

Ngl, but I will say that The Sign has been failing me for the last 3 episodes and I don't vibe with this series like I did at the beginning. As a matter of fact, I have the impression that episodes 1-5 are completely different than episodes 6-8.

First of all, an explanation: I watch BL series for pure escapism, I really expect nothing else, but to have a nice time watching the romance of beautiful boys 😎 I don't add any high values, any ideology, I don't have ANY high expectations from BL series, I'm an old school fujoshi. Life is shitty as it is, what's happening around us is depressing - I just need a break from reality, which was previously given to me by books, manga, anime, and now mainly by BL series.

If a BL series tries to be something more, gives me something beautiful, deep, that gives me food for reflection and analysis, such as The Eighth Sense, then I treat it as something extra, like an additional bonus, a gift from the benevolent BL gods 😀 I don't take it for granted as something that, idk, has to be there. For me, BL series are supposed to give me a good time, they have to spark joy (and what never ceases to amaze me is how, with such minimal expectations, so many series still can't do even this minimum lol). Despite everything, I can forgive a lot, as long as the couple and their romance make me feel good. Like, A LOT.

The Sign in episodes 1-5 was EXACTLY what I expect from BL series: a killer couple, great chemistry between the actors, an interesting story (even if stupid and chaotic at times). I praised this series for Phaya and Tharn (emphasis on Tharn) and their MANY high-quality scenes together. Their romance was tender and hot at the same time, the attraction between them was visible from the beginning, their relationship developed logically and linearly, the series made me feel joy and hope.

But something broke down from episode 6. The romance went into strange fluctuations, depressive lows and sudden bursts of euphoria, the number of their shared, high-quality scenes decreased dramatically, in episode 6 there were even no such scenes, and in 7 and 8 I counted like 2 of them. I CONSTANTLY GO BACK TO THEIR SCENES FROM EPISODES 1- 5, AND FROM EPISODES 6-8 I ONLY GO BACK TO ONE.

What else I loved about PhayaTharn's relationship was how equal they both are in the relationship. Since episode 6, there is no equality, the person who is constantly striving and fighting for their relationship and constantly giving of himself is Phaya. And only Phaya is shown as someone who even has a nervous breakdown due to being rejected by Tharn. Tharn is shown as if everything he does is calculated coldly, the lack of contact with Phaya is not shown as if it was even some kind of nuisance for him. Tharn became a double victim of the script and the narrative: firstly, because he is a character who is afraid that Phaya will die and therefore rejects him, and secondly, the script is unable to present it in a way that is sympathetic to Tharn. I know that Tharn is afraid. But it's not about what I know, but how I perceive it. And I perceive Tharn with irritation. (in The Eight Sense, Jae Won also rejected Ji Hyun after the accident, but in this case I knew why he did it and in addition, the series presented Jae Won in such a way that my heart bled for him. That's what a good story is, it makes me feel satisfied when looking at the scene and the characters both objectively and emotionally)

Another thing that is starting to take away from my enjoyment of watching this series is the constant leaks and spoilers that suggest a breakup, Tharn's "sacrifice" for Phaya, that somehow karma and Chalathon will win and love and Phaya will lose. Just yesterday I listened to a song sung by Babe and read the lyrics of this song… I'm, ok, like, it's totally not my style lol. This is no longer my escape from reality, reality has caught up with me in my yaoi dream 😂

Saturday was The Sign day for me, I never made any plans just to be able to watch the show when it came out. But guess what, I might have potential plans for this Saturday and after my first reaction of "no, I have to watch The Sign", my second thought was whether I really wanted to watch an episode that would probably be depressing again, with maybe one nice scene, and that's assuming that Phaya will wake up? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I guess I'm not in a rush 😄

I also want to say that on instagram I mostly see stuff about Babe and Billy, and the tag the sign on tumblr is kept alive thanks to the heroic efforts of about 3 good people lol whatever content appears, 90% are scenes from old episodes and from new ones, there are mostly from the love scene. Soooo, I suppose people are not too hyped about recent episodes as well... 🙂

Anyway, I am begging this series to bring back the vibe and way of presenting PhayaTharn's story from its beginnings. I have nothing against angst, tears, even temporary breakups (during the series, NOT at the end). This is how it was in The Eighth Sense, MoD, LoA, To Sir, With Love, and in fucking The Untamed where the breakup lasted for years and The Angst was served in BUCKETS lol. But what I want is for their love to be their strength, for watching them together to give me pleasure and joy. I would like to see more scenes with them, even if they were fighting (not this rejection/ cold days bullshit), but for them to be together and for there to be some good emotions. I want to return to the obsession this series made me feel, to endlessly analyze their scenes together, to blush and squeal like a little girl. And not to wait with increasing dread for the ending like in MODC 😶

(besides, the series just became a little boring and even more chaotic, like, I don't even know (and care for that matter) whose body they pulled out of the water in the last episode and how many open cases they are having at the same time lmao and now there will be also Tharn's personal revenge, this is crazy 😂)

[ren-rambles-often]

Hi...Do you know what anime you'll watch this season?

My top 3 fav this season are :

- Tadaima, Okaeri (wholesome BL, also one of my comfort read)

-Black Butler : Public School Arc (yes the ship is problematic but you cannot deny the shipper when you watch it. I'm not shipping SebasCiel but I'm not anti too. Their canon relationship is complicated but great story)

-Wind Breaker (bucchigiri but way better and loveable mc)

Hope you'll like them.....

Hey hey ( ◜‿◝ )♡, Literally following all of these already.

Black Butler was definitely a must, since the announcement dropped sometime last year I've been unable to keep it out of my mind. It's understandable not everyone will ship them but I personally have missed Sebaciel shenanigans so much and seeing favorite characters like Soma (although with less melanin than I remember lol what =_=) in the recent episode just made me so happy.

As for Tadaima Okaeri, I was looking forward to it for a long time, so far I'm not disappointed and it's definitely so fucking cute. All I'm saying is...if any country needs to push baby making propaganda they should go for this instead of the trashy het stuff, I don't make the rules.

I have almost no thoughts on Wind Breaker. It's definitely an upgrade but after the disappointment that was Bucchigiri, I've began to keep my expectations for Delinquent shows low (Tokyo revengers and IWGP are yet to be topped for me). It's not bad but do feel like it's lacking substance in some areas and trying too hard. The main character isn't a bitch tho so I know there's hope for it yet.

To me this year's winter season had way more exciting stuff but there are a number of other anime I'd love to recommend for this spring.

Karasu wa aruji wa Erabanai (The Raven does not choose it's Master) Is almost like the apothecary diaries, but with magic, and without the herbs and medicine...but it has the court politics so yay (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧ taking place in a world where people can turn into three legged ravens called Yatagurasu, Yukiya after causing some trouble for his family is taken to serve the most special of specials crown prince who is to become the next Kin'u after picking a bride from the four daughters of the clan heads sent to him. So basically every gay historical romance Wattpad story lol. Unfortunately this isn't a bl and though you can probably tell the prince will get married in future episodes, from these three eps, I think it establishes the focus will be on him and Yukiya, which, I couldn't ask for more.

Another Recommendation is Kaijuu no. 8, I have no words (in a good way). Just spacial forces slaying gigantic monsters while the main character suddenly becomes one of those monsters and has to still join the special force that at some point will kill him if they find out, or if they have found out they realize he's different from other monsters and can help them win the war for humanity *aot flashbacks ಥ‿ಥ* What I'm trying to say is that... it's good. I think it's funny with characters that have to potential to reel you in. I've been told the manga is pretty average tho but we'll see.

Touken Ranbu Kai is...something, I don't watch anime just for pretty boys but even if I didn't like the plot of this one I'd stick with it just for the guys. Beautiful character designs, the lore feels very fresh and intriguing and as well. There's a lot of philosophical topics I think the show has potential to dive into and I'm excited to see where we go moving forward from the three eps out currently.

Last but not least, there's Sentai Daishikkaku (Go Go Loser Ranger) I really don't want to spoil anything but let me just say, it's a brilliant subversion of the Power Rangers narrative. The sound track is fun while also hitting hard, and the characters definitely leave you wanting to know more about them and the world they're in. Definitely give it a try, I don't think you'll regret it.

Got a bit carried away with this one hahah, welp that's all my recs for now. Aside from my shipping stuff I'll probably talk about any of these every now and then, my top three right now tho are definitely Black Butler, Sentai Daishikkaku and Karasu wa aruji wa Erabanai. Anon has amazing taste but I'm a very big action and supernatural fan at heart so I'm based.

Depending on how disappointing or exciting things get along the line this list might change but unfortunately my feelings don't help the state of my FAL ranking so yeah wish me luck (〒﹏〒)

Feel free to leave YOUR current top 3 for this season in the comments, or if you joined FAL like me or just what you think of any of these of you're already watching them (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤

[stargazer-sims]

15 OC Questions!

I was tagged so many times for this, and I love it! This one is for @bl-sims-anime - thank you!

Yuri Okamoto-Nelson

Are you named after anyone?

No, I'm not named after anyone.

When was the last time you cried?

Not that long ago, actually. It's unusual for me, because I'm not generally prone to crying, but I've been very ill recently and I was in a lot of pain. I don't remember exactly when I might've been crying, or how often. The last week or so has passed in somewhat of a haze for me, but I do recall that I cried more than once during that time.

Do you have kids?

I don't actually like children. They're messy and demanding and selfish. Victor and I don't have any, and we're not planning to. If I'm being perfectly honest, I don't really want to share his affection with anyone, and I don't think he wants to share mine, either.

Do you use sarcasm?

Hmm... sometimes, yes. Victor would probably say I use it more often than I think I do.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

I realize how awful this is going to sound, but the first thing I notice about people is how they present themselves; how they're dressed, how their hair is styled... things like that. I've learned not to make snap judgments about people's personality and character based on their appearance, but even so, I can't stop noticing.

What’s your eye colour?

My eyes are dark brown.

Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings, please! I don't like anything scary or violent. My favourite films are historical dramas, with bonus points for romance and beautiful outfits. The endings don't even have to be happy, necessarily, just as long as it's not tragedy, mayhem and carnage. Victor doesn't really like historical romances, but I think he watches them with me as an excuse to cuddle, and I'm certainly not complaining. My happy place is lying in his arms and enjoying some sweeping historical tale of romance and intrigue.

Any special talents?

I don't think I have any talents that are particularly special. I'm painfully average.

Where were you born?

Mt. Komorebi.

What are your hobbies?

Probably the one I'm most noted for is playing the violin. I love music, and I've been obsessed with the violin ever since I was a young child and would watch and listen as my mother played. Mama taught me a few things, but I officially started violin lessons when I was five, and I think I was sold on it for life, almost immediately. My other hobbies include playing video games, reading, and writing.

Have you any pets?

Yes. Victor and I have two dogs. We have a Pomeranian named Sango and a chihuahua called Rosie.

What sports do you play/have played?

My favourite sport is snowboarding. I also like to ski, and Victor has taught me how to swim, which I also really enjoy. Back in the summer, when I was feeling much better than I currently do, Victor and I decided to try rock climbing, which I liked but can't imagine myself having the stamina to do seriously. I'm not certain if yoga qualifies as a sport, but I like doing that Oh... and Victor has created a low-impact exercise routine for me that I can do even when I'm not feeling one hundred percent, so we can work out together.

How tall are you?

165cm

Favourite subject in school?

My favourite subjects were Language Studies and Communications.

Dream job?

This is a difficult one. I've never really had a dream anything until recently. Before I met Victor, I think the only real dream I had was to find someone who'd love me unconditionally and help me out of the slump of depression and lack of self-worth that I was living in. I didn't really think about education beyond high school, or having a dream career, or a dream destination or anything like that. All I was focusing on was survival, physically, mentally and emotionally.

It's only been very recently that I've started thinking about my future and the goals I might like to set for myself. At the moment, I work for a PR and communications firm, FutureBright Communications. I really like my job and I'm good at it. I've been given more and more responsibility since I started, and I've gotten some important clients lately. I think I'd like to stay working in communications, and perhaps start my own little firm some day.

______

I'm not going to tag anyone this time, as I've tagged numerous people already and I can't recall who. Anyone who sees this and wants to do one, feel free! You can even say I tagged you. =)

[of-the-nightsky]

Just Maybe

Disclaimers: NijiEn Fanfic | Piokuma | Vox Akuma 3.0 x Doppio Dropscythe 2.0 | BL / MLM | Strangers to crushes to lovers (?)

Summary: Maybe he didn't have to trash the place out of frustration. Maybe he didn't have to take a walk to cool himself down. But... but maybe he really shouldn't be staring...

"JuSt gO FoR a wAlK aLrEaDy!" He mocked, stomping his way down the familiar passage. "Go CoOl OfF! Geez, can't a guy just punch a wall to just punch a wall?"

Okay, so maybe he didn't just punch a wall because he burned himself on the toaster oven again. But it totally started it, he saw it giving him the evil eye!

("WITH WHAT EYES DOPPI??? WITH WHAT EYES???" screamed the Ver in his head again. Seriously, he swore it had eyes.)

Alright, sure, the toaster oven was innocent until he became the judge and sentenced it to a life of being broken, again, but it was with good reason! He was just trying to make a poptart in it with a little toaster strudel buddy, he didn't think twice about it. Now he has to be a "good boy" and go for a walk.

Yeah, whatever Ver, you keep thinking I just need a walk! He thought sulkily. Sure, he had qualities that rivaled the dogs in that popular animated movie and all, but he was a big scary wolf and not some dumb dog. His tail did not wag when he was called a good boy, it did not!

("Pio, you can say that all you want, but your advanced butt-whip just knocked over a vase of flowers, again." Ver, nobody calls it a butt-whip, it's a tail. Stop giving it weird names, last time you called it the Mess-Maker-Plume-Master-3,000.)

Maybe Ver was on to something, Doppio wasn't sure anymore. Maybe he shouldn't have punched the toaster oven so hard it busted through a wall. Maybe he shouldn't have chased after it to "finish the job" or whatever his wolf-aligned brain hyper focused on doing.

Although it did frustrate him that it burned him. Guilt slowly clawed its way into his heart. Maybe he was a bad boy and he should have tried being good a lot harder. Maybe he didn't have to trash the place out of frustration. Maybe he didn't have to take a walk to cool himself down. But... but maybe he really shouldn't be staring at the demon who was their neighbor five blocks away. Wait, since when did I even walk this far?? Oh, whatever, what is this dude doing, gardening? Lame.

Or so he thought it was until he saw how the literal butterflies just seemed to love the flowers so much. Like, they were made for the butterflies to feed from. Maybe staring wasn't a bad idea. It was a good view of a big strong man showing a tender and gentle side.

He stared for a solid minute, zoning out and finding his own inner peace. He watched how the muscles moved beneath the taut shirt and pants, watched how the behemoth of a man even greeted a harmless hummingbird with a soft rumbling voice hiked up into such a fond high tone.

Oh.

Oh dear.

His heart couldn't take it.

The man stood up to adjust the hummingbird feeder he had set up and did so without a fucking ladder.

The muscular man was obviously able to tower over even him, Doppio himself, without it even being close. Not only that, but he was being so gentle for the tiniest and most fragile of creatures and he could not handle it.

He didn't even know how long he was staring at this large man, envisioning how it must be like to get the best fucking head pats in the world by such a gentle giant of a man. It was long enough as rose pink irises glanced his way and their eyes met.

The heat rose on Doppio's face. He was caught. He really shouldn't have been staring. He was pining for a stranger for the past devil-knows how long! (No God would ever look upon him and not think his stare was sinless!)

"Going for walk!" He blurted out far louder than he intended before turning and starting to speed-walk away. He was confident his face was every shade of scarlet.

It was mildly embarrassing. He lied to himself.

He didn't hear any fond chuckling that made his long wolfen ears burn and flatten against his skull.

And most certainly,

Undoubtedly...

His tail, most definitely did not wag.

Nope.

Nobody saw it.

Anyone who claimed so were liars!

Vox, for all he was worth, never expected to be spotted by such a unique golden-eyed magenta wolf man. Not that he was opposed to it. He found it cute in a way. The poor wolf was just watching him like a lost puppy having his first outing. His eyes shining like a meadow of dandelion's that have yet invaded the hill behind it. It was so precious and innocent. He didn't know who they were, but he hoped to see them again. Especially seeing how red their face had gone when their eyes met. It was rather delightful after spending many long years by himself. Maybe doing his garden once a day wouldn't be a bad idea if it meant possibly meeting such a wolf. And maybe, he could invite him in and get to know him better. Just maybe, if Fate was a kind soul for once.

To be continued... (maybe?)

[ezralva]

I've been following you for a coupla years now ever since your xicheng era. It's interesting to see whenever you get into new fixations, it introduces me to lesser animes or BLs or new ships that otherwise I would never think of and more often than not I got hooked to them thanks to you 😁 I'm very shy and awkward so mostly in fandoms I'm in im just a silent enjoyer and follower. I'm so happy when you started posting and reblogging jjk because it's a fandom I've been silently lurking for years and moreover because you like stsg and also chousou because they are one of my favorites too. I pretty much enjoy reading your posts and your reblog tags, they are funny! May you share how you got into that? Because you mention one time that you regret those who drew you into jjk 😅 is it something to do with big fandom?

Ps. I like your fic so much, it's like a healing session after chapter 236, I thought i'd let you know here because i'm too shy to comment directly on the fic

Omg this is so sweet of you, anon, thank you! I hope y'know your kind words just made my whole day <3. Wow if you've been following me that long then you shud go off anon so I wud know who you are ^^ but I get it! I enjoy being silent lurker and follower too from times to times.

Also wow I'm amazed you've put up with my everchanging fixations that long lol I know I'm annoying that whenever I'm into new fixation then I wudn't shut up abt it for a while and too lazy to ever make sideblogs. Anw, I don't really remember when I said that ahaha I'd most likely just joked or be sarcastic when I wrote that. I did feel so much pain knowing my otp is a doomed ship but it's nothing I didn't know before I even started jjk. Moreover it ended in a good note for me what with the latest chapters of them so it's all good now. The abundant loveable characters of jjk making it easy to explore other dynamics and ships too. Even dynamics I'd usually nvr entertain so it's been an eye opener experience! I don't regret a thing. Glad to know we share similar tastes :)

but yea I'm really not good with big fandoms overall and am usually content with the tiny corner of my own. My last experience with big fandoms, before I switched completely to obscure fandoms, were too unpleasant that I didn't wish to ever repeat it. But I'm more adept with curating what I wanna see now so I won't get put-off or get bored quickly. Tiny fandoms are nice and comfy but they were oftentimes unsustainable for me due to the lack of interactions. Still, I'm so happy to hear my shitposts could actually introduce you to new fixations!

Abt how I get into jjk. Well, unlike any other animes mangas I'm into, I actually have irl friends and coworkers that are fans of jjk. 3 of them are close to me (one of them is my spouse lol) and had literally pestered me to try it for long so they'd have someone to talk with. So I'd known about it since around 2 years ago when the movie came out. I was curious bcs it was such a hype around me even though they were all adults who usually didn't even watch anime so there must be sth different abt it. Yet I kept putting it off cz I was just not into supernatural fantasy shounen. I decided this year would be a good time to start since with season 2 the hype around me was too high that I just got swept in it, naturally. I cudn't tamp down my curiosity any longer plus I got time now during this break so why not, right? The thing is my irl friends arent into simping let alone shipping (at least not that I know in public, who knows what they might be doing in private) so I keep that side here ofc!

Awwwh thank you so much for letting me know you like my fic! Ch 236 was indeed devastating for a while tho it was still a HE in some aspects (for me). It's an outlet for me to pour my HCs for the characters that stuck with me. I hope you know that even if it's just excited emojis, a comment in the fic worths a lot for authors cz it let them know not just abt whether their fics are being read and liked, but how their works actually affect the readers, it's a potent drive for authors and feedbacks are helping authors so you don't need to be shy 😉

[unregisteredjetski]

Tagged by @tangledupinblue8 do these 15 questions, and you know what, it's been a while since I've done one of these, and I'm bored on a Saturday so here we go.

1. Are you named after anyone?

St. Luke, I believe! Because I was raised Catholic and also because my mom liked that my name meant "Light"

2. When was the last time you cried?

Literally yesterday watching Pit Babe and Frieren because I'm an F and there's nothing that gets me more emotional than people dealing with the aftermath of death

3. Do you have kids?

I do not and don't particularly plan to have any! You never know tho, I guess

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

I used to play a little tennis when I was younger and was a manager of the track team for a year in high school, but that's about it on the formal sports side of things. I like running though!

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Yeah, but like, who doesn't?

6. What's the first thing you notice about someone?

Beyond just like outward appearance which feels obvious, I tend to consciously aware of like how readily people make small talk and their conversation style (e.g., like how quickly people jump in to talk, their tone of voice, etc.)

7. Eye color?

Blueish greenish but also some gold around the pupil

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

In the words of Martha Dunnstock in Heathers the Musical, "I'm a sucker for a happy ending"

9. Any talents?

I have a pretty good sense of direction, if that counts? I'd also say I'm a jack of all trades and am decently good at things I pick up (though I rarely master anything)

10. Where were you born?

Rural Suburban Amish Country, Pennsylvania

11. Hobbies?

I've been baking a lot in recent years! And then the old standbys of long walks, video games, and watching BLs and anime

12. Any pets?

Nope! When I own a place and am more settled, maybe then though

13. Height?

Something like 6ft? Probably like 182cm

14. Favorite school subject?

I liked art and language courses in high school! And in college, I loved social science courses

15. Dream job?

I don't necessarily want to work, but I do think it would be cool to own a coffee shop when I'm older

tag 15 ppl

I feel like so many mutuals either deactivated or were axed so do it if you'd like to @paelskin @mykingdomforapen @gl0rificus @hotsolvent or anyone else who wants to

[latvianheartsanime]

New weeb here!

I don't know if I wrote any introduction, but... oh well... here it is.

I'm Alice from Latvia. Started to watch anime last year, if I remember correctly. Can't remember if I watched Demon Slayer on Netflix back in 2022 or end of 2021.

Knew about Demon Slayer earlier but wasn't able to see it on Crunchyroll back then (even with Premium) and it took some time when I was able to see it on Netflix (it was some time after the news they added the show). Weird thing on Netflix it's just 1st season and last year I was finally see it on Crunchyroll as well aaaand aaaall the seasons and that's when I started to watch other shows too.

Sad that I cannot see Attack on Titan 1st season and 1st part of 2nd season. :( I guess because regional stuff. It sucks, because I bet because of it I wasn't able to see Demon Slayer back then as well. There's some other anime I cannot watch on Crunchyroll, but heard good things about, but have no idea is it because of regional restrictions or they're just not available on the site.

Other things about me...

I have 2 cats (again). Soon it's gonna be 1st death anniversary of my beloved Macho, he was white Cornish Rex, he passed last year few days before my birthday, he was 13 years old. Loved that cat, although big trouble maker and meanie pants sometimes, but loved that cat. Didn't want to get new cat after that, but in summer last year took in this white kitty with orange spots. :| Minnie, cat who I literally took from the streets, wasn't happy about kitten, still kinda isn't, because of age difference, she's gonna be 6 this year. Macho and Minnie got me through some tough times so I love 2 so much.

I was vegetarian for 13 years - now I'm pescatarian.

I know 4 languages (1 of them refreshing and learning something new) and learning 2 languages from zero - Japanese and Greek.

I love listening to music, started to buy physical music (not again, since wasn't able to buy in my teens because mom found it expensive and all I was able to get was bootleg (bootleg music, films and music was everywhere with their own little stores over here in beginning of 2000's), I had only 1 original CD out of few ones I had) especially vinyl, has some new CDs since 2013 as well aaaand few tapes. My music taste has changed so much - went from Britney, Sugababes, Atomic Kitten, Pink, Kelly Clarkson and Westlife and other pop and even Eminem and some other hip-hop in early teens, to Rihanna, Bobby V, Chris Brown (even with all the scandal), Beyonce and more R&B and some other pop stuff in late teens and early 20'ies. First changes was back around 2017 when I discovered Five Finger Death Punch, then later 1 streamer introduced me with Halestorm. Although don't listen to FFDP that much anymore, but still fan of Halestorm. Since discovering FFDP there's been more and more rock and metal bands and artists I listen to, and less mainstream pop and r&b. Even a thing I would say that "that will never happen" just happened - I recently bought my 1st death metal record. XD So ye... never say never... indeed... I started to listen to some Japanese artists as well, like Lisa, Necronomidol and Aimer.

Photography has been a hobby for really long time, since I got the phone with the camera. Still want some decent camera, wasn't able to afford 1 for really long time. I even went in with all the process to study photography in US.

Love crochet, knitting and sewing, I do some cross-stitching too. Love crafts in general. Been drawing and doodling since childhood as well.

Been streamer on Twitch since 2016, but took a break in last January. It took mental tole on me, since my channel wasn't growing that much and it wasn't there where I wanted to be in after almost 6 years of streaming with 600 followers and barely 2 average viewers. Want to make YouTube videos with some streams on Twitch, but still have to kick my own butt to make 1st video.

So ye these are few things about me, so that I could get some other interaction without bots following this blog. :) So ye... if you want to learn more, just ask.

[sailorhyunjinz]

𝕴𝖓 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝕷𝖔𝖘𝖙 𝕾𝖔𝖚𝖑𝖘 𝐈

© 2021 SailorHyunjinz ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 

Pairing; Bartender!Changbin x Fem!reader (she/her pronouns)

Warning ; ANGST!! SMUT!! skz side characters, semi-slow burn, hurt/comfort, strangers to lovers, depiction of mental disorders, consumption of alcohol, under the influence, self hatred, complicated family relationships, depersonalisation/derealisation, depression, alternative universe, implications of su-cide, semi su-cide attempt, su-cidal!reader, mentions of bl-od and injury, mentions of k-dnapping and murder, alcoholism, mentions of selfh-rm, mentions of knifes, gaslighting, smoking, mentions of weapons, mentions of pregnancies, a bunch of crying, fainting, toxic masculinity. 

𝘕𝘚𝘍𝘞 ; piv, protected sex (use of condom), missionary, dry humping, nicknames, sex in semi-public place, fingering, corruption kink if you squint, orgasm (m/f), cum,,,, other then that it’s kinda vanilla. 

𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘊𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵 ; 14.3 k 

O N E ｜ T W O 

From one survivor to another; cheers you guys. 

                         ⊱ ────── {⋅. ♪ Playlist ♪ .⋅} ────── ⊰

[FEEL SOMETHING DIFFERENT - Bea Miller, Aminè]

[Multi-Love - Unknown Mortal Orchestra]

[Beach Baby - Bon Iver]

[High Enough - K.Flay]

[Dope Lovers - DPR IAN]

[Make Out in My Car ; Sufjan Stevens Version - Sufjan Stevens]

[I Feel it Coming ; The weekend, Daft Punk]

[Space Song ; Beach House] (ah the loml and the album is called depression cherry so it makes me happy) 

𝘊𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥.

𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘰𝘧 18.

𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐈 ; 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐩𝐢𝐭𝐲

“Let me out!! LET ME OUT!”

You cry out, banging on the heavy wooden door until your knuckles bruise, red marks leaving their traces on your soft skin. The only lightsource is the tiny cell window, sun shining brightly and illuminating thousands of dust specks, floating around you like your lost hopes. The grey cement walls got closer and closer, seconds ticking in your head like a clock. 

This is it.

This is how you die. 

Crushed to death like a bug, your ambitions never getting their chance to prove themselves. All that you ever wanted to achieve was an impossibility as you were slowly but surely pressed together in the ever shrinking room. 

Salty tears roll down your cheek, a feeling of hopelessness washing over you as you turn your back against the door, sliding down to your feet, banging the back of your head lightly against the entrance.

You feel the rough walls hitting both sides of your forearms, a last ear deafening scream leaving your parted lips.

Until you woke up. 

With a series of jerking motions you sit up, panting like you just ran a marathon, the pounding of your heart audible to you. Darkness swallowed you as the night progressed, you considering yourself lucky to find yourself in your comfortable bed, still in your room. 

Only after minutes do you notice your wet cheeks, the tears not being limited to your dream world. You blink, your coated eyelashes weighing heavy on your eyelids as you wipe tears with the back of your hand. The shock from your dream didn’t reside, you now being too afraid to fall back on your plushy pillow, fearful of what horrible dreams awaited you on the other side. 

You grab your phone from the nightstand, immediately being hit with a bright light causing you to squint and turn away momentarily. 

[Search: being crushed dream meaning]

Multiple articles from all sorts of sketchy websites popped up, you clicking on the first one. 

“Stress or emotionally overwhelmed” 

You laugh lazily, the dream making sense as you feel yourself slipping back into a peaceful slumber, phone still in hand as the muscles in your face relax, jaw opening, your dream world once again inviting you for a dance. 

The sun woke you up with it’s radiant rays shining in your face, the closed blinds barely able to withstand them. Your phone was lying on the floor face down, you must have dropped it while sleeping you thought before rubbing your eyes from any dirt and staring up at the ceiling. 

Another day

Another day that I’m here.

You wish you could pull the covers over your head, get lost in your own mind and never deal with the outside world ever again. But you had to. 

You picked up your phone from the dusty floor that hadn’t been cleaned for weeks, you simply didn’t have the motivation to do it. The bright phone screen awaked you, you blinked your eyes a couple of times to see clearer. 

[3 Missed Calls - Mom]

You couldn’t be bothered to call her back. She was only gonna nag at you for not calling back earlier, wondering what you’ve been up to now that you’ve been fired from your job as a receptionist at the local hotel. What were you gonna say? Drinking too much booze and crying yourself to sleep every night? You couldn’t, that would only hurt her. 

Ignorance is bliss, as they say.

You got up, legs wobbling as you stumbled to the bathroom, head pounding from the amount of alcohol you consumed the night prior. Not with friends but alone, in your living room, in the one room apartment you no longer could afford. 

Ice cold water splashed onto your sweaty face, that being the only hygiene you could muster today. You turned the tap off, grabbing a towel and wiping your face and looking deep into your own eyes. 

That’s not me.

That’s not me looking back. 

You poked your tongue out, hoping the figure in the mirror wouldn’t move and you could confirm your thoughts but alas the figure followed you. You felt crazy, it was as if you’ve died a long time ago but still saw everything that happened. You could stick your hand through a wall and it would disappear you thought, nothing was real. Not even you. 

You entered your mess of a living room, seeing the wreck from yesterday night. Countless green glass bottles scattered on the table in front of the tv that was your only escape from reality. Blankets and pillows were thrown across the floor along with a box of tissues, your emotions bubbling up to the surface too often resulting in you crying and shaking on the floor, a feeling of fear washing over you late at night. 

You felt alone.

But you weren’t.

Fuck, why were you so ungrateful? You had everything. A roof over your head, a family that loves you, friends, food on the table. Yet, even this couldn’t satisfy you. You blamed yourself for everything. 

For your work firing you.

For your parents divorcing.

For your own pathetic life.

You shook your head as if you were shaking the negative thoughts out of your head, instead grabbing a couple of the empty bottles that were reeking with the scent of liquor and placing them on the kitchen counter. ‘Cleaning up’ in your eyes.

With a thump your back landed against the couch that swallowed you, engulfing you in a comforting embrace you got from no other person or object. This was your safe space you thought but not even your couch could save you from your intrusive reasonings. With a light click on the remote the tv screen lit up, your eyes still not used to the brightness since you’re always cooped up in your apartment where the blinds were always closed, another barrier between you and reality. 

Nature documentaries, your favorite.

The calming male voice of the narrator being the only one you talked to during your lonely days. The animals could make you forget. They lived so freely, moving wherever they wanted without a care in the world, either swimming, hopping or flying. You wish you were born as another animal than human. 

“The 52-hertz whale travels an astonishing 70 km a day but it’s voyage doesn’t bring social interactions. This whale is the loneliest whale in the world. It’s the only whale that is capable of emitting a whale call at such frequency, no other individuals communicating with the poor creature.”

You sat up in curiosity. It was a scream for help you thought. The whale needed help, it needed someone or something.

Just like you. 

You sighed, watching the lonely whale on your tv screen, seeing it’s gracious movements despite its size. It did look lonely in that deep dark sea, wondering how it would be to fall into the abyss of water, swallowing you whole and erasing the life that once sparked your soul. 

This was where you spent your entire days. The clock on the wall is ticking but the digits it displayed are oblivious to you. What did it matter if it was 5 pm or 1 am? You were still not gonna budge from your comforting seat on the couch. Drinking your feelings away no matter what time in the day. 

This was you. 

This was who you had become.

The sun started to set on the horizon, a delicate shade of light purple descending over it, covering the end of the world like the way a canopy covers the softness of a bed. You sigh, diverting your focus back on the tv screen after momentarily observing the life outside your window. Yet again, nature documentaries accompanied by the soft male voice, narrating every movement of the colibri that fluttered it’s wings at the speed of light on your screen in vivid colors. 

You got that look in your eyes. That look of amazement which you now only had when looking at the beautiful colors of a exotic bird. You moved closer to the tv screen in the now dark living room, the sun setting at a fast pace. It reminded you of the many times your mom shouted at you to not sit so close to the screen, scaring you by saying that you’d get rectangular eyes. 

Your childhood.

The only time you felt ease. 

The only time your family was as one. 

“y/n, what does your heart look like?” the therapist asked, scribbling mindlessly on a notepad.

“it’s a muscle that pumps blo-” you started but were quickly cut off. 

“no, I mean what does your heart look like, how does it feel?”

You sighed, looking down at the grey marbled floor, your legs shaking in nervousness. You hesitated before speaking, scrambling in your mind to say something sensible before the words came pouring out of you.

“i-it looks like a house. A dark, empty house,,, but it’s comforting.”

Once again you heard the sound of a pencil writing incoherent sentences. Curious as to know what secrets were on that piece of A5-paper.  

“is there anyone in the house with you?” the therapist inquired. 

You shook your head before speaking. 

“I don’t want to let anyone in, this is my safe space” you say, almost setting up an emotional barrier, not wanting to answer further questions. 

The person sitting across from you hummed as you stared out the window behind them, the green ivy bushes already grown tall enough to cover half of the grimy window. 

“is the house empty?” they asked to which you shook your head once again, avoiding the glassy-eyed stare of the therapist. 

“no,,, there are dusty furniture covered in white cloths and-,,, and family photos in the drawers.” 

“is it your family?” 

You shook your head in disagreement.

“How did you end up here?” 

You thought for a second, puffing out your cheeks, a habit of yours. You searched for a reason but not finding any. 

“I just,,, was here one day.”

“The sun never shines here.” you added after a solid 30 seconds of silence. 

You were stuck in that house.

The house that was once filled with happy memories of another family, you simply a ghost that was now trying to fit the broken pieces together, wanting desperately to see them smiling again. 

Tears started forming in your eyes, a shiny gloss over your orbs. 

But you never cried.

Not in front of others. 

You thought often about that visit. Why your heart was an desolate house and why the words spilled out of you like a poisonous liquid.

You closed your eyes, the bright colors fluttering behind your eyelids as the comforting sounds of the woods blasted from the tv. 

You wish you could be somewhere else. 

Anywhere but here. 

A single tear rolled down your cheek as a smile creeped up on your face, your butt against the floor as your knees were underneath your chin, your entire figure curled up into a small ball. 

You sighed as your eyes fluttered open again. You were still here, in your apartment that smelled like nothing but alcohol and disappointment. 

Firmly planting both your hands on the wooden floor you heaved yourself up with the intention of getting more tissues, the blue colored tissue box on the floor being as empty as others expectations of you. 

But as you stood up the entire room started spinning, small specks of rainbow flashing by your eyes. You thought you stood up to quickly grabbing onto the wall for a second before collapsing against it, your entire body shaking. You cried louder, thinking you were about to pass out. Your hair stuck to your tear stained cheek as your puffy eyes closed once again. 

What was happening?

The rain hit your unconscious body, your knees scraped from the concrete you lied on. You were soaked from head to toe, lying with your cheek against the ground in a puddle of rain. You woke up from your head pounding, your bloody knees only gaining your attention after you’ve looked around in a confused daze.

It was empty. An alleyway in the dark night. You found yourself panicked, anxiety bubbling inside of you. That’s when you saw it. A single street light above a red phone booth. You tried to stand up but fell over again as your legs could barely hold you up, now scraping your elbow against the gritty ground. 

Crying out, you started shouting for help. 

“HELP!! SOMEBODY HELP!” 

You screamed at the top of your lungs, voice cracking as your tears started to look identical to the rain that was pouring over your cold, helpless body. Nobody came, your voice only echoing against the wall that the phone booth stood near to. 

You got on all fours, crawling towards the light as pure pain shot through your body, small pebbles jabbing into the open wounds on your knees. You needed shield from the rain. Desperate huffs and groans escaping your parted lips as you dragged yourself through small puddles, the phonebooth seemingly getting further and further away from you. Looking through the soaked curtains that was your hair you were determined, this was life or death you thought as you continued to shout out for help, it appeared to be useless since the only other sound besides your own voice was the rain hitting the ground. 

Shivering hands grabbed onto the corner of the crimson red phonebooth, the streetlight illuminating your teary eyes. You held onto that frigid and wet piece of metal as if you were holding onto a treasure. 

As if you won a race.

As if you pleased your parents.

You looked up, dragging the inner side of your leg against the concrete, your pyjama pants wet to the bone. Desperately you got yourself together, your arms shaking as the rough pads of your hands met the ground, pushing yourself up into a standing position. You hissed at the pain in your knees as you grabbed onto the metal handle that opened the phonebooth, stepping inside.

The inside was surprisingly warm, as if someone had been there moments prior. A ripped piece of paper was taped on the glass pane to the right of the payphone, something that seemed like a phone number but could impossibly be since it wasn’t a full number. 

[1800-xxx]

You looked at the payphone and then back at the washed out paper, the edges of the note curling and stained with yellow. Only when you looked back at the phone again did you notice the keypad. To your surprise there was an “x” button. Your head felt heavy, deciding to lean it against the other side of the stuffy phone booth, your hot breath creating steam on the glass.

You wanted to wake up from this nightmare. 

Your entire body ached, let alone the blood that was dripping down your leg. The rusty payphone connected to the actual phone, a black handle connected to the underside of the machinery by a coiled metal rope. You picked up the phone, putting it against your ear and groaned when you remembered that you needed coins in order for the payphone to work

[0.5 gold/minute] 

You rubbed your eyes. Gold? You sighed loudly, your knees barely being able to hold your weary body any longer. Hesitant fingers pressed the number that was jot down on the lined note, pressing each key accordingly. You pressed the last x before you pressed the “call” button, not expecting anything to happen. 

But after a few seconds a female automated voice spoke to you. 

“Thank you for calling. This place only appears to the suffering. If you are receiving this call, congratulations! Your prayers have been answered. Drink the liquid in the paper cup above this payphone. Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid.”

The voice lagged, a static sound accompanying the automated voice. Your breath got shaky as you looked around, holding the phone close to your ear with both hands. This could only be some sort of kidnapping scheme or this was a sick dream. 

“It’s a dream, y/n. Calm down, nothing's gonna hurt you.”

You muttered to yourself, pinching your forearm tightly and wincing from pain. This wasn’t a dream after all. 

Your gaze landed on the brown paper cup that was balancing delicately on top of the payphone, your cracking knuckles reaching for it as you let the phone fall out of your grasp, being caught mere inches from the sticky floor of the photobooth by the coil. Bringing the cup closer to your face you saw a dark viscous liquid that smelled sweet enough to sting your nose. Your face contorted into disgust, debating on whether not to drink the contents of the paper cup. 

“Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid.”

The voice continued ringing in your ears. You had nothing to lose. If you died then you at least got what you wanted. Holding your breath, you brought the cup closer to your quivering lips, parting them slightly as you held your nose tightly, not wanting to feel whatever horrible taste could be found in that dark pit of goo. 

It burned the moment it hit the delicate taste buds on your tongue, your voice muffled as the fluid descended down your throat, your larynx bobbing up and down with each gulp. Despite covering your nose you could taste the pungent sweetness, it tasted like pure acid. Not that you knew what that tasted like but what you assumed it would. 

You coughed, accidentally spilling some of the goo on the floor, dribbling out of your mouth. The heavy rain pitter-pattered against the metal roof above your head, your eyelids threatening to shut. The cup fell out of your hand as you slammed your forehead against the payphone, not hard enough to bleed but hard enough to bruise. Your jawbone hurt from how much you’d been crying, eyes puffy as the salty tears mixed with the rain droplets on your face.

“i-i’m sorry mom, i’m so fucking sorry.”

You rolled your forehead left to right against the rusty material of the payphone, your soaked hair covering your empty eyes. Your knees bent under you causing you to fall on your butt with your knees clinking against each other, the sticky contents on the floor sticking to the soft fabric of your pants. 

“I’M SO SORRY!”

You never thought a scream this loud could protrude its way out of your throat, the vibrations bouncing off the glass that to your surprise didn’t break. Everything started to become shades darker, almost as if a black and white filter settled over your vision. 

No, this is how you’re gonna die.

Alone.

In the rain. 

“Hyung, what are you gonna do with her?”

Muffled club music struck your ear along with a high pitched ringing, your eyelids felt as heavy as they’d been in the phonebooth. With your head pounding you slowly open your eyes, first not seeing anything but darkness before eight unknown men form a circle around you, hovering above you. 

You shoot up from your lying position, fear overtaking your body. Where were you but more importantly why the fuck were you alone in a dark room with 8 young men? Not thinking straight, you decided to scream once again, thinking they would back off and let you be.

“Get away from me!!”

The males covered their ears, groaning in pain and a blonde boy throwing himself on the floor, rolling around. 

“HEY!! HEY! WE’RE NOT GONNA HURT YOU!”

A strong voice overpowered yours, every word almost sounding like a grunt. You around, seeing that you were sitting on a soft leather couch before looking up at the male that was standing right infront of you. He was muscular, his biceps sitting snugly in the tight black t-shirt that covered him, a grey apron tied around his waist and his dark hair shielding his intense gaze and furrowed eyebrows. He had a jaw so sharp you could cut silence with it but silence was the last thing this room had. The boys were shouting at each other, trying to hush the others while screaming themselves. 

“SHUT UP!!”

The room got quiet as the muscular guy roared, the seven other individuals coming to a halt. You looked at them all with a puzzled expression, all of them handsome, a fact you couldn’t deny. 

“Where the fuck am I, who are you guys and p-please don’t kill me”

Your voice cracked at the end of your sentence as your eyes twinkled, tears teasing the corners of your eyes, fingers shaking in fear. The male closest to you sat down, the weight of the couch shifting. He rubbed his hand together before he started speaking in a calmer voice.

“I’m Changbin, bartender of the Lost Souls nightclub. That’s Chan, security guard.”

With his chin, he pointed at a guy in ripped black jeans with a white t-shirt, a sweatband across his forehead, pushing his slightly curly hair back. He didn’t look like a security guard, the only thing that might have pointed to that was the walkie-talkie hanging from his belt. You nodded before Changbin continued.

“And those are some friends, frequent visitors if you will.”

A light haired boy with shiny rhinestones under his eyes stepped forward after he’d been hugging the tallest guy in the room the entire time. 

“u-uhm, the name’s Felix! This is Hyunjin, Seungmin, Jeongin, Jisung and Minho, and yeah those two, Chan and Changbin.”

He pointed at each guy respectively and the room filled with small “hi’s” and smiles. They didn’t look threatening, all of them being very timid and looking down at the ground. Your gaze diverted back to Changbin that was staring at you the entire time.

“Can somebody tell me where I am?”

Changbin cleared his throat, stomping his boot a couple of times. 

“This is gonna sound,,, interesting but you have to believe me-”

You interrupted the muscular boy, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear, noticing that it had dried. 

“Why should I believe you? We’ve just met?”

Changbin sighed. 

“Just,,, hear me out”. You nodded before he continued.

“You answered a phone call right?”

Nodding once again your gaze drifted towards the other boys that were looking at Changbin with googly eyes.

“Well,,, this place only appears to those who are,,, struggling with themselves. Obviously you don’t have to tell us why you’re here but,,, this is a place to let go. The only rule here is no fighting”

“Or dancing on the tables” the tall blonde boy added with a snark causing a squirrel-like boy to giggle, playfully hitting the blonde before looking at Chan who glared back at him, the boy being flustered and turning serious again. Jisung, his name was. 

“W-what did that phonebooth do,,, does everyone go through that?” you asked with a curious tone.

“Usually it’s a pleasant experience going in that phonebooth, the sun shining and people hanging around that alleyway before taking the phonecall and drinking the elixir,,, there must have been a glitch in the system.”

He sounded unsure, scratching the back of his head as he looked at all of the boys. 

“System? What system? I’m dreaming, right?” you said in panic, wanting to get out of this oddly suffocating room. 

“W-we are real and you’re not dreaming,,, it’s just that, we can’t meet in real life you know? This is a place to,,, let oneself go and I know it’s scary since you only get here randomly, it must have been hard passing out like that,,”

A boy with fluffy light brown hair and a pretty eye smile said, Seungmin! You remembered his name because you thought it fitted him, sounding both soft and sharp at the same time. 

“y-yeah,,, it was scary b-but thank you for caring about me” you said with a half smile

“oh! and also, we treated all your wounds, luckily you were passed out so you couldn’t feel the pain but let me tell you,,, it looked awful, I don’t understand how you did that Chan” Jisung remarked with wide eyes, looking at you concerned before turning to Chan.

“Did what?” you inquired to which Jisung responded.

“Removing the pebbles in your wounds, h-how did you even get those in there?” he asked to which you tried to remember, seeing hazed memories of you crawling on the asphalt in the storming rain.

“I was crawling towards the phone booth'' you said quietly as the boys gazed at you with concern. The atmosphere got dusked and in an attempt to lift the mood you cleared your throat, lightly running your hands over the bandaids that were plastered on your scraped knees, wincing from the contact. 

Changbin made eye contact with Chan, jerking his head towards the door to signal for him and the other boys to leave the room. Chan nodded and patted Jeongin on the shoulder, trying to scoot all the boys out of the room like a shepherd leading a bunch of silent sheep.

“Let’s have some fun! Drinks on me boys~” Chan exclaimed to get the boys off their worried thoughts about you, the curly haired male closed the door quietly and both you and Changbin stayed silent until the footsteps were faint on the other side of the black wooden door. 

“Is this better?” Changbin said with a slight smile at the end. “They can be quite the bunch sometimes, either they’re very much off the deep end or they’re just a rowdy mess” he laughs, looking out in the distance before he looks at you with your knees under your chin, holding your legs close to your body.

“So,,, we’re all here for similar reasons?” you mumbled, holding your gaze stable on his dark eyes.

“yeah,,, pretty much. We’ve all dealt with something mentally draining and of course you don’t have to tell but I just want you to know that nothing will hurt you here.” Changbin replied. 

“I do want to tell,,, but it’s just that I don’t want to be alone about it. I’ve never been around people that have shared the same experiences.”

Changbin slid closer to you on the couch, putting one leg over the other. 

“It’s like that for,,, almost every single individual in the club, we all want to tell our stories and this is the place to do it. No one is gonna judge you for it. I remember thinking that when I first got here, ‘everyone is gonna judge me for not drinking’.”

Changbin’s last sentence caught your attention.

“but aren’t you the bartender? shouldn’t you know all the,,, liquors and such?”

Changbin sighed and you regretted you sentence, thinking that maybe you asked a too personal question. 

“I do know them but not in the way one should.” 

Something clicked in your head when the boy uttered those words. You nodded silently, letting your gaze fall to your wounded knees as your shaky voice spoke;

“So do I” 

Changbin’s gaze was fixated on the floor as he shared what was on his mind. 

“But no one judged me,,, eh,,, I never asked for your name!” the boy said to which you giggled, reassuring Changbin that you were in a stable state.

“It’s y/n, nice to meet you!” you said, stretching your hand forward to shake his. Changbin smiled towards your gesture.

“pretty name, angel” he said, shaking your hand and noticing how small it was in his grasp, the cold metal of his rings contrasting to your now warm hands. He didn’t let go immediately, instead holding your hand and feeling it’s warm temperature, running his thumb across your knuckles softly. You snarked at his comment.

“angel? didn’t know we had established pet names for each other in barely 10 minutes of meeting.” 

“and I didn’t know angels landed in this place” he said back. “i’ve had to deal with 7 annoying boys that never listen to me,,, well, 8 but one of them,,, disappeared.”

You nodded, not wanting to overstep any boundaries by asking about that 8th guy incase it was an emotional topic. 

“how is it? working with alcohol despite having quite a rocky relationship to it?”

The buff boy hummed, drumming his fingers on the seat next to him. 

“It’s better than one might think. I get to be around it without engaging in the activity myself, simply serving clients and the boys  already know it, we look out for each other. Like a family you know!” Changbin said with a happy tone, not wanting the conversation to get you in a bad mood after all you’ve been through that night.

“family,,, could use one of those” you joked and Changbin actually laughed which you’ve never felt with anyone before, the only response you usually got was your therapist writing down your self deprecating jokes with their orange lead pencil.

“you’re always welcome to us” he said, letting go of your hand that now felt empty. You felt safe. There was no way of describing it but you felt this caring aura around this man, drawing you closer to him. 

“how long does this last? i’m guessing you go back to ‘the real world’ again at some point” you spoke, making quotation marks with your hands.

“it depends, it’s different every time but you will pass out just like you did when you got here but you won’t go back to the phone booth, you’ll wake up where you were last in real life. Time goes on in the real world but here,,, clocks don’t really work. We’ve tried bringing clocks or phones with us but the digits don’t change.”

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. This had to be a dream. 

“w-whats with the gold on the phone? Does money exist in this,,, universe?” you asked with confusion to which Changbin shook his head.

“no, drinks are free and so are the phone calls, i have no idea why the phone booth says that or why Chan said that drinks are on him, he must have been stressed trying to get the boys out of here” Changbin said to which you giggled.

“i-is there any time where you never return?” you asked, earning a bittersweet smile from the male.

“yeah,,, if those issues you have get resolved but,, that rarely happens. Destructive behaviours feed of each other. Get rid of one and it gets replaced with another.”

You recognised that. It was always something, you could never live in peace without feeling the need to self sabotage. 

“Poor innie knows that too well” he added with an acerbic tone. 

“innie?” you tilted your head in question, gazing around the dark room that was rather empty, only a couple of dark colored shelves on the wall and the couch you were sitting on along with the ceiling lamp that was stingy with it’s light.

“Jeongin, the youngest among us. Poor boy has been through it all, if it’s not drugs it’s self harm and Minho is a real dick sometimes, bringing pocket knives in “defense”. He’s delusional, thinking everyone is out to get him and Jeongin knows this. We’ve found our precious little boy in the bathroom too many times, holding those stupid knifes Minho keeps having on him and crying till his cheeks puff up.”

You took a mental note to keep your distance from Minho, feeling bad for Changbin that had to be amidst this mess while dealing with his own emotions. You could relate, being the emotional pillar between your parents that hated each other to the brink of physical violence. There’s always someone that has to suffer because of other people's problems. 

“I’m so sorry to hear that, Changbin.” you managed to stutter out, not knowing what else to add to the conversation.

“Ah,,, don’t be, y/n! Just take good care of yourself, that’s what matters the most to me” Changbin said. You smiled, moving closer and hovered your hand above his shoulder.

“Can I?” you asked quietly to which Changbin nodded and moments later felt your warm hand patting his back. He felt listened to. Understood. And even though he was yet to tell you his entire life story he knew that you were different from the others. You actually cared about him. 

The room started spinning again and you clutched onto Changbin’s black t-shirt, trying to stabilize yourself. Those rainbow colored speckles you had seen earlier appeared again, vision blurring right in front of your eyes. 

“y/n? how are you?” Changbin’s voice was worried but he knew what was happening. 

“it’s spinning again, I t-think I’m gonna pass,,, out” you muttered, 

“It’s alright y/n, I’m here yeah?” His rough voice distinguished itself from his comforting words as you held onto the dark haired boy, a faint smell of tobacco interlacing with the air you breathed in through your nose. Your two arms were now wrapped around the male with your face against his broad shoulder, eyes shutting as tightly as they could, face contorting into fear until everything disappeared. The vague beats of the music. The pain that ached from your knees. The feeling of finally finding home in someone's arms. 

Everything turned into nothing in Changbin’s embrace. You were slowly turning into his everything because he had nothing in his life. 

And then you woke up. 

You gasped for air as you woke up in panic, hunching over on the floor in a coughing fit, clawing at your neck for oxygen. Panting on the floor you put your forehead against the wooden laminated floorboards, your frizzy hair blocking out the little light that was in the apartment and being hit with the malodorous smell of distilled alcohol. 

What was that?

You were convinced that it was some kind of wicked dream. An escape from reality even. But as Changbin said, you did wake up in the exact same place and position you passed out in. A long breath seized through your lungs as you shifted in your position on the floor. 

“Son of a bitch!” 

Tears prickled the corners of your eyes as the hard floor hit your wounded knees. You quickly sat down on your butt, lifting your knees up to your chin and only then did your heart drop.

It wasn’t a dream. Your eyes lingered on the bandaids that were placed with the utmost care across your both knees, a stain of dark brown blood seeping through the sticky elastic material and dried blood staining your knees in a haphazard attempt of somebody trying to wipe it off without hurting you. You managed to grab the edge of the sofa, levering yourself up with, testing out the strength left in your wobbly legs. Your phone lit up, sitting on the place you’re usually curled up in. Throwing yourself on the soft piece of furniture you observed the phone screen, lost eyes wandering mindlessly over the brightly lit display. 

What you noticed wasn’t the worried text from your mother.

It was the fact that the digits hadn’t changed from when you passed out. 

Your head snapped towards the tv screen and the phone fell from your hand when you stared at the screen, breath trembling.

The same documentary. The same colibri. 

This couldn’t be. Surely you hadn’t just stopped time,,, right? This was not something Changbin warned you about. How long until you meet Changbin again? An hour,,, or ever? 

There was nothing else you could do besides wait. Wait until the next time you pass out. And what better way to make time pass but to be confronted by your mother? You pulled up the text on your phone and read it hastily before scoffing.

[Are you eating well? Please call if you see this]

Since when did she care about you? You knew that she did care. Somewhere deep inside her motherly heart she did care but the way she displayed that so-called ‘affection’ didn’t make it obvious. You tried to justify every word, believing all the lies she fed you. You tried so hard to believe that you were healthy, that your mental health wasn’t deteriorating before the eyes of your very own mother that was refusing to see the truth. That her child was indeed in pain. You couldn’t blame her, it was her way of dealing with the issue but it didn’t make it easier for you. Your thumbs hovered above the keyboard, you couldn't think of anything better to write and quickly typed it down before you hit send.

[yes, i’m busy]

Busy contemplating your existence. Your father wasn’t exactly any better. Throwing out each one of your family members until there was only him left. He had no trouble filling that emptiness, simply creating a new family and forgetting you as if you were a chapter of the book called ‘previous life’. You didn’t mind, not after everything he did to you and your mother. There was no need for a person like that in your life but unfortunately it influenced you more than you thought, always seeking validation in either work or relationships because how could you validate yourself after your self esteem had been crushed by this tyrant?

You threw your phone on the table, a clink noise being heard as it hit a bottle, knocking it over but not breaking it. Your parental issues or mental health was for once not the biggest concern in your life, now instead wanting to search for the answers that could explain the nightclub. How did it exist? What caused it to exist and who was behind it? You needed to get back there somehow. 

The tv had turned off by itself, you found yourself waking up on the couch, using a pillow as a blanket, hugging the warm material closer to your body as you whined. With confused and lost eyes you scanned the room for a clock, hitting the table a couple of times and finally getting your hands on your phone, bringing it closer to your eyes. 

[3:02 am] the digits lit up. You rubbed your tired eyes with your left hand, throwing the pillow on the floor and using the phone display as a torch in the pitch dark room. There was no point in falling asleep again, you had already slept so many hours, sleeping anymore would only make you drowsy the entire next day. You yawned as you staggered towards the bathroom, flicking the lightswitch on the wall and squinting fiercely as you were blinded by the harsh bathroom ceiling light. You put the phone down and quickly caught your reflection in the mirror before you sat down on the toilet to pee, folding a couple of sheets toilet paper in your hand. You yawned again as you flushed, going to wash your hands but once again being amused by your reflection.

That’s not me. 

It’s the person I’ve become but never wanted to be. 

Your dark circles almost reached your cheekbones, the wounds on your knees still stinging even after hours of peaceful slumber. You poked your tongue out to which the reflection did the same, staring back at you with frizzy hair and puffy eyes from tears. You couldn’t trust it. Mirrors lie you thought and so does every single reflective surface in the entire world. You would never know what you truly looked like and that ignited panic in you, feeling your breath rapidly increasing as you held onto the white cold edge of the bathroom sink. 

This happened. Too often. It was the feeling of not knowing yourself or your surroundings. Like you had just appeared in this world, scared and alone. To not know who you are and having to live with yourself til the day you die frightened you. But you didn’t know if death was any better. Sure, the thought was comforting but being buried under layers of soil, having flowers and insects living their best life above you as you simply rotted away wasn’t the solution to all your worries although a moment of eternal peace did sound tempting. 

You felt a lump in your throat, trying to cough as if it was some sort of anxiety flem when in reality it was your brain setting up imaginary barricades. Your hair draped in front of your face and with furious eyes you peeked up, seeing your almost demon-like expression and smiling psychotically. 

I hate you. 

I fucking hate you, y/n l/n.

Your smile was wiped off the moment the room started spinning. Your reflection becomes diffuse in the mirror as if it wasn’t enough not recognising it. A loud gulp made its way down your esophagus as you continued staring at yourself in disgust. You blinked slowly, every time you closed your eyes you saw those rainbow colored specks all around, almost as if they were distracting you from what was happening, like a kaleidoscope for a child. You felt as if the ground started shaking, an earthquake in your personal world that was separated from the real one. Maybe you were going back to the nightclub, to Changbin’s reassuring arms or maybe you we’re really going crazy this time. The specks got bigger, turning into elaborate patterns in neon colors that clouded your vision. You kept eye contact with your reflection for what seemed like forever, despising the person that was staring back, your gaze broken as your eyes rolled back in your skull, your eyes white as if you’d been hexed before you collapsed on the frigid bathroom floor. 

“y/n? y/n, wake up!” 

The sun dazed your eyes as you woke up on the slightly toasty concrete. Changbin tilted his head as a cigarette was hanging out the corner of his mouth, bright sunlight behind him. He had on a jean jacket with patches from several underground punk and rock bands, his neck was embellished with multiple silver chains and his hair was slicked back, glistening in the heat. He knocked the wind out of you even more, as if passing out in the bathroom wasn’t enough torture. 

“oh y/n! you’re awake!” 

Chan says, coming closer to you, this time he’s wearing a tanktop that showed off his flawless abs, your mouth watering at the sight. You only then remembered that you looked like a mess, still in your pyjamas that consisted of an old sports event t-shirt and small basketball shorts. 

“a-am i in the club again?” you say, rubbing your eyes with both hands before feeling your head pounding a bit, sitting up slowly and feeling the harsh ground beneath you. 

“no! you’re at the phone booth, everyone is here now oh and, this is usual how it’s supposed to look.”

After your vision stops blurring you look around, seeing the same alleyway and the same crimson phone booth but being hit with a completely different atmosphere. People were standing in all types of fancy clothes, trendy bright colors, exaggerated makeup and 7 inch platforms. The sun was beaming, it felt like a hot summer day with friends, just like the old days back when you had friends. 

“why does y/n always wear pyjamas? don’t you have any cool clothes?” Hyunjin snarks, pushing his blonde hair behind his ears, displaying his dangly silver and black earrings. 

“knock it off asshat, the poor girl is probably scared off her mind” Seungmin sneaks up behind the blonde, punching him lightly in the stomach before he smiles sweetly at you. Duality was this man's second name. 

“t-thank you seungmin” you said, giving a smile back but being met with a surprised facial expression.

“you remembered my name!” he said, giggling adorably. You gave a small nod before you looked back at Changbin that was drawing a breath from the cigarette, puffing out a white cloud close to your face before waving it away. You noticed how tired Changbin looked, his cheekbones sunken in and his complexion bleak. He stretched out his hand to help you up which you grabbed, the insides between his pointer and ring finger being slightly stained orange from tobacco. You wobbled up on your feet, knees slightly unstable but feeling better from sitting down a while. 

“are you alright y/n? i could open that resting room if you want” he said before inhaling smoke once again, spreading in his mouth and intoxicating him. You shook your head.

“i want to see the club, why not while we’re there you know?” you said, smiling brightly and making his heart jump. Changbin hid the grin he so desperately wanted to display by dropping the cigarette bud on the concrete, stepping on it with his heavy boots that had chain details attached. 

“alright, whatever you want angel” Changbin sneered which caught the attention of the 7 other boys, all staring at the jean-jacketed boy. 

“angel? seems like someone has a crush” Hyunjin remarked making Jisung burst out in laughter. 

“says master heartbreaker” Chan said under his breath making Hyunjin furrow his eyebrows, diverting his gaze from Changbin to Chan instead. 

“come on you guys! can we not go to the club already?” Felix said, him also wearing a crop top along with a leather chest harness that accentuated his figure. Jisung nodded and made his way towards the phone booth that had droplets of steam on the inside, Felix and Hyunjin following shortly after the squirrel-like boy. You observed the alleyway. People leaning against the grey wall where the phone booth was, either smoking or chatting. Some were standing, others sitting down directly on the concrete, feeling the same heat you felt as you woke up. 

With unstable steps you walked towards the phone booth behind all the boys, Changbin staying by your side and waving his hands towards the 7 boys that had somehow crammed into the humid and stuffy metal building, Chan closing the glassdoor as a couple of the boys giggled. You and Changbin stood on the other side of the door, seeing how Chan grabbed the black phone you had once held with cold dirty hands and Seungmin giggling as he took a sip out of the contents in the paper cup, passing it around to the others that did the same.

They disappeared right in front of you. Your mouth stood agape. They didn’t pass out, they just disappeared into thin air, leaving the airless crimson structure empty yet again. 

“w-wait, why didn’t they pass out?” you asked, turning to Changbin as you ran a hand through your hair.

“it happens when you’re new. the body isn’t used to the entire,,, universe switch so you will probably pass out this time also but don’t worry, i’ll catch you” 

Changbin grinned, opening the door and being hit by the lack of oxygen. He held the door open for you to which you smiled, stepping inside and seeing that the paper cup had been refilled automatically. The door closed behind Changbin, you standing in close proximity to the boy as you lifted the phone slowly, still feeling the warmth from Chan’s hand. The dark haired boy grabbed the brown paper cup, not even looking at the goopy substance before drinking it, seeing his adam's apple bob up and down. You put the phone towards your ear, wondering why you didn’t hear the female automated voice.

“it doesn’t work?” you said with confusion to which Changbin smiled, pressing in the infamous number on the rusty keypad.

[1800-xxx]

“yeah, it doesn’t if you don’t type in the number” he chuckled, holding the paper cup in both hands and leaning against the humid glass.

Suddenly you hear the voice you were dreading the hear.

“Thank you for calling. This place only appears to the suffering. If you are receiving this call, congratulations! Your prayers have been answered. Drink the liquid in the paper cup above this payphone. Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid.”

It reminded you of that night. That dark rainy evening. The voice started to lag, just like it did last time. You hung up and turned around whereupon you saw Changbin handing you the paper cup. You gulped and put your lips on the edge of the cup, looking at him with unease but feeling comfortable with his presence. You tilted the cup, feeling the sweetness trickle down your throat, almost stinging your insides. Changbin smiled, he looked like the typical bad boy from every cliché teen movie but it made your heart flutter, slightly embarrassed at the state of yourself. He pushed away from the glass wall and swiped his thumb across the corner of your mouth, wiping off the sweet liquid and licking it off the tip of his thumb. You stood there, frozen at the sudden action, gazing softly at him. 

“you had something there” he chuckled as you started to feel lightheaded again, your eyelids getting heavy. 

“thanks” you said shortly, your gaze drifting down on the dirty floor beneath your feet, drifting in and out of consciousness. 

Changbin didn’t say anything, catching you mere seconds after you collapsed on the grimy surface. Admiring your heavy eyes and puffy cheeks for a second before he himself disappeared into the abyss. 

“One Moscow mule, please!” 

An unfamiliar voice shouted through the blasting club music accompanied by what sounded like the shaking off a cocktail shaker. You groaned, your eyes fluttering open and being hit by the beams of a thousand light machines in all sorts of colors.

“Oh y/n!!” Jisung shouted on the other side of the bar, you found yourself sitting on a chair in the corner of the bar, on the same side as Changbin that was working diligently, mixing some concoction into a metal shaker. You rubbed your eyes, yawning and wondering how you could sleep sitting up. You heard Changbin set the metal cup down, telling something to the woman beside him, must be his co-worker you thought. He kneeled down next to the chair you were sitting on, looking up at you with curious eyes. 

“how are you feeling?” he asked loudly, trying to overvoice the music.

“im good” you answered back just as loud, the two of you locking eyes. Changbin smiled at you with his tired face, glancing over the glasses that were located beneath the bar. 

“you want something to drink?” Changbin said to which you nodded. 

“give me anything” you said, messing with your hair and sighing. You felt tired, an urge to sleep despite the loud blaring music. Maybe it was more of an emotional fatigue. A lack of feeling. And that’s usually when you turn to the bottles. Changbin nodded, standing up and returning to his co-worker, starting to grab all kinds of pretty coloured alcohol. 

“ay! y/n! come join us!” you heard Felix say, him standing with a glass in his hand, the other boys scattered around the club along with the other troubled individuals. You smiled widely, looking around and noticing the small exit gate connected to the bar. You patted Changbin on the back, him turning around with a grin before you exited through the gate, closing it after you and pushed through the crowd of people, making your way over to the boys. 

“y/n, welcome to where you will feel alive” Jisung yelled, spreading his arms and nearly knocking someone in the hand.

It was truly living you thought. Every single way to escape reality was located here whether it would be alcohol, drugs or sex. People dancing and jumping, grinding and rubbing up against each other. In multiple booths there were people making out, touching in unknown places. Many looked outright high, moving as if their body was possessed by some dance god, not knowing how to control their limbs. You could have sworn you saw Seungmin putting a yellow pill in his mouth, smiling mischievously at someone you didn’t know. 

So this was letting go. 

“y/n! here!” you heard Changbin’s voice call behind you, turning around and seeing him putting a glass of clear liquid onto the stained wooden bar with coasters scattered all around, a couple lime wedges floating around with the ice in the glass.

“vodka tonic, giving you the strong ones” he said, grinning, to which you smiled back, understanding the hint to his personal life through his eyes. The glass was cold against your warm hand since you were in this stuffy environment filled with countless people and without any windows, only a ventilation system that led to nothing. You put the edge of the glass against your lips, taking a sip and swallowing harshly, feeling bitterness that tasted sweet because that’s what alcohol does when it’s consumed on a particularly bitter day. Or life. 

The other boys were dancing, Chan mostly hanging around the edges of the nightclub and observing the nightlife. You made your way over to him, taking another sip in order to gain the courage to strike up a conversation. 

“Sup? you feeling any better?” he asked before you had the chance to even open your mouth. 

“better. why aren’t you enjoying yourself like the others?” 

“i mean,,, i’m technically doing my job even though i’m not getting paid for it. i just like to be in charge i guess,,,” he said, getting more and more silent as he spoke. You nodded.

“i do work with stuff in real life as well” he added, to which you raised your eyebrows.

“what do you work with,,, if you don’t mind me asking!” you said, taking another sip of what tasted like Lucifer’s saliva. 

“music producer! it’s tiresome but,,, i don’t really need sleep,,, or more like i can’t sleep. lucky there’s energy drinks and naps” he said with a giggle, his dimples displaying as he chuckled, leaning against the black walls of the nightclub. 

“must be tough,,, but wait,,, i’ve never heard your music,,, and also shouldn’t you be the DJ then?” you said confused, swirling the liquid in your hand. 

“but that’s the thing y/n, all these people, every single person you see in this room lives in another universe”

You gazed at him, Chan looking straight ahead towards the crowd.

“what do you mean by different universes?” you asked to which curly haired boy cocked his eyebrow.

“we will never coexist y/n, when i tell you that we’ve tried to bring our friendships to the real world i really mean it. we will never exist in your life outside of this hub and,,, it sucks.” Chan took a pause before speaking, pondering on what to say next.

“-thats what happened with a friend we had. i’m saying had because we don’t know where they are or what adventures await them. They just,,, disappeared” Chan said mellowly, you humming in response as you took a final sip of the devil’s juice, already feeling your face heating up.

“h-how does one get out of this place,,, forever i mean” you asked, leaning back against the same wall as Chan and looking right ahead as the song changed to a slower, almost psychedelic beat. 

“when said person gets help,,, or starts to feel better or when you hit the casket, three options basically” he says with an acerbic smile. “what? Do you like Changbin?” Chan says teasingly. “you’ve been catching glances at him this entire conversation.”

He was right, you had been glancing over at Changbin occasionally, you couldn’t help it. Was it an excuse for you to look at his cute face from a distance or because you cared about him? You laughed it off but Chan turned serious.

“you know that’s it’s not possible.” he says quietly.

“what? what is not possible?”

“a relationship”

You choked on your own saliva, being blinded by the annoyingly bright strobe lights.

“a relat- ya! do you really think I have time for any of that? besides,,, i’m not really interested in Changbin.”

“who said only you should be interested?” 

Your eyes widened when Chan said that. No way could Changbin have these weird feelings to you, the feeling shouldn’t be mutual. 

“h-has Changbin said something about you?” you asked timidly, gazing over at Changbin that temporarily made eye contact across the club.

“why don’t you ask him yourself? but i’m telling you y/n,, don't get attached, you will get hurt,,, j-just like i did once” 

Sure, you understood what Chan meant. Everyone was here for the time being. One day he could disappear if he decided that the life he was living now either isn’t worth it or he takes control and makes something out of it. There comes a time where you are too tired of living the way you do and so you do something about it, no matter if it’s good or bad. 

Changbin waved his hand at you, wanting you to join him behind the bar where now Felix was standing and annoying Changbin by tickling him or whispering in his ear as he moved his body with much fluidity. You smiled, waving towards Chan shortly before you once again made your way through the crowd, feeling lightheaded but in a positive way, as if you really were forgetting reality for a moment. 

“y/n!! come!!” Changbin yelled, bouncing slightly to the typical house beat that was now playing, barely holding the bottle of gin since Felix was pestering him playfully. Changbin’s co-worker opened the wooden gate for you, smiling sweetly at you and you doing the same back, your gaze drifting down until you notice the red marks around her throat. You were often scared by people. Not by their actions but by their way to cover them up and of course, you were guilty of this too. Looking at these people you would never guess the pain that was going on inside, the surface level happiness really is surface level. You could smile genuinely towards her, you didn’t have to understand everything she was going through but you knew how it was, smiling when bridges are burning in your mind. 

Sometimes pretending hurts more. 

“Changbin!” you squealed after you had passed by his co-worker, holding the empty glass that was now nothing more but half melted ice cubes and three wedges of bright green lime. Without thinking you put the glass down on his working station and pull him into a tight hug, squeezing your body against his and feeling the warmth radiate off of him. He froze awkwardly in your arms before loosening up, wrapping his arms around you and ultimately taking in your scent that was now mostly pungent with liquor and sleep, a soft scent that Changbin couldn’t get enough off. You felt safe which was rare in a nightclub especially knowing that most people were either high or carrying weapons. But there was something about him that made you feel like home. It felt familiar, like you’d visited his soul. As if the two of you were sharing the same empty house in your heart despite you never letting anyone in, too scared to be hurt again. Maybe you could let Changbin in, maybe he was different. 

The hug lasted longer then you thought, his eyes darting all over the stuffy room before he slowly let go, taking a long inhale of the almost addictive smell. The two of you locked eyes, a shy red tinged his cheeks that was only visible due to there being a spotlight just above him. 

“can i talk to you for a second?” you asked, rather boldy which was odd. He nodded and grabbed your wrist only to pull you in behind the same black door where you once ended up in, confused and dazed. He let go of you and closed the door behind him, you standing in the middle of the room that now had tiny light standing on the floor, nothing more new then the same old shelfs and black leather couch. 

“what did you wanna talk about?,,, figured you maybe wanted to tell me somewhere more quiet”

‘Quiet’ was an overstatement, the music was making the walls shake and even though it was muffled the jumping of hundreds of people could still be heard in the small dark room where you were alone, with him. 

“ehm,,, i don’t know really,,,” you stammered, not knowing what else to say.

“is something wrong y/n? Do you need to be alone for a while? i can le-”

“no, thank you,,, i just wanna be with you.” You interrupted him, his eyebrows furrowing when you uttered the last sentence. He stepped closer to you, the soles of his shoes making a pleasant sound against the floor. You lifted your gaze at him, Changbin standing right in front of you. Beauty that could make you drool. His hair was slightly messy, temples sweaty as he had worked and fetched all kinds of bottles for hours, the grey apron marking his title in the nightclub.

“but i’m here with you! Are you playing some sort of prank on me? did chan set this up?” he chuckled with a smirk, throwing a gaze at the door before diverting it back to your glossy eyes.

“n-no,,, Changbin, I want you”

His mind went blank and so did yours.

You don’t know why you said that but it was too late. The cat was out of the bag. It was too late.

“y/n? are you drunk?” he asked, looking at you seriously and putting the back of his hand against your forehead, suspecting you might be getting sick. You shook your head in response.

“no, it was only one drink, you know? i just,,, kinda,, want you”

You grabbed his hand that was still lingering on your forehead and drew it closer to your heart, holding firmly by his wrist. The clothed valleys of your breasts made contact with the rough palm of his hand, Changbin’s eyes still glued to yours. He scoffed loudly.

“and here i was,,, thinking it was some sort of unrequited love”

It felt like his hand turned into thorns, stinging your heart. So he wanted you too. 

Changbin’s hand that rested on your boob snaked upwards, grabbing your jaw as he smiled at you briefly, tilting his head and slowly closing his eyes, attaching his rough lips on yours. Your eyes widened before they closed slowly, eyelashes fluttering in a flirty haze. This was how it felt to kiss someone you loved. It was as if a thousand fireworks ignited inside your beating heart, flying and exploding in an array of colors. A pure lightshow. 

Your hands made their way to Changbin’s angular face, cupping his cheeks and feeling his sharp cheekbones against the palms of your hands. Your noses accidentally bumped into each other as your heads tilted from left to right, a sensual pace to the kiss to which the dark haired boy chuckled, adding some laughter to the otherwise grave situation that contained the sounds of two lips smooching each other. The music was only adding to the ambiance, Changbin’s hands wandering and exploring territory on your body that was foreign to him but very well-known to you. Your wet tongues danced around to a serenade, his kiss was strong, sure to leave an unforgettable impression on you. You would want him from now on and forever. 

You moaned into the kiss as his hands rested on your ass, groping the flesh that was covered by your pyjamas-shorts. This made Changbin cock his eyebrow, pieces of his slicked back hair falling into his face as making him look like a charming 80′s prince. His fingers danced around the elastic band of your pants, fingers hooking and playfully tugging on the string, a silent plea for you to take them off. You smiled against his lips, saliva exchanging in a heavy and steamy kiss, your cheeks growing warmer by the second. 

The two figures melted into one as Changbin pulled you closer to his body, feeling his cock poke through the coarse material of his jeans against your lower abdomen. Good to know that he was enjoying this as much as you were. Your hands descended downwards, traveling along his black tight t-shirt, the jean jacket from earlier being god knows where. The contour of his abs made you smirk, you knew what he was hiding beneath these clothes that you ravenously wanted to tear up. You palmed him through his pants, earning a hiss from the male that panted heavily into the kiss. 

You broke the kiss, taking a moment to breathe as your lips were separated by a lonely string of saliva. You grabbed Changbin’s wrist, pushing him down on the leather couch as you straddled his lap, feeling his hard-on against your aching wet cunt. You wanted him so bad and here he was, in front of you for only you to devour. Changbin grabbed onto your hips, pinning them down against his cock and leaning forward to reattach his lips on yours, teeth  accidentally clicking against each other moments before your sloppy hot tongues met, feeling his tongue against the soft surface of yours. The sound of lips meeting ringed through your ears, your hips grinding against Changbin’s crotch in a steady pace, feeling your neediness grow. Your hands ran along his abdomen, sneaking them up inside his shirt and tugging on the black material of his t-shirt, pulling it above his head. What was hiding underneath his clothes was more than a pleasant surprise. Your lips moved swiftly against his jawline, peppering kisses on his delicate neck as your hands teased the supple skin of his abdomen, feeling the outline of his muscles against your touch. 

Changbin placed his hands near your stomach, pulling your oversized sleeping shirt over your head in the same fashion you did moments earlier. You gasped as the fabric danced over your now hardened nipples, freeing your tits. Of course you didn’t wear a bra when you were in the comfort of your own home but you didn’t think anyone would actually undress you, especially not Changbin. He hummed at the sight, cupping your tits in his hands that were covered in metal rings, feeling the coldness against your heated skin. You shuddered, the sensation shooting down to your dripping core. He kneaded them in his hands as you rubbed against his cock, his boner having a visible outline through his pants, you couldn’t help but to fiddle with his belt buckle, undoing it and hearing the clicking sound of the buckle hitting itself. Changbin pulled away from your swollen lips, tapping you on the thigh to step off in order for him to pull his pants down. You moved to the seat next to him on the couch, the leather sticking back as you laid down, lifting your hips up to remove your pyjama pants along with your panties that quickly hid underneath the fussy pants due to it’s rather interesting print, small teddy bears printed on the fabric. You kicked off your shoes, more like slippers that you wore indoors. 

Changbin swiftly pulled down his jeans and black boxers in one motion, throwing them close to your pile of clothes at the base of the couch. Your eyes widened, mouth watering at the pure sight of his cock, a pretty bead of precum decorating his slit, contrasting with the crimson shiny tip. A big gulp descended down your esophagus, heat tinging your cheeks. He chuckled from seeing you stare at his member with shiny doe eyes that reflected in the small lamp on the floor.

“You seem,,, intrigued” he chuckled to which you giggled, not believing that you were really in this small room together with him. 

“Y-yeah,,, maybe I am” you snarked, moving your gaze to his eyes and smiling. Only on your way upwards his well-sculpted body did you see the boy holding a small blue plastic item. You furrowed your eyebrows when Changbin opened the packet, retrieving a slightly slippery condom from inside. 

“Do we even need that?” you laughed before continuing. “I mean if nothing gets transferred to the real world neither should pregnancies or STD’s” 

Changbin tsked, rolling the condom onto his veiny cock, turning slightly away from you to avoid your intense eyes. 

“Ask Chan, he would know” Changbin said, turning back to you and making his way over to the couch.

“N-no,,, no way.” You shook your head, your mouth agape as your eyes still danced over Changbin’s buff thighs. 

“Yup, knocked up a girl” he said, suppressing a laugh. “And that’s why y/n, you never think with your dick”.

“Being completely honest,,, I expected more from Chan, he seems really,,, responsible” you remarked, Changbin hovering over you and placing a soft kiss on your lips, his hands on either side of your figure.

“He is but I think love is his weak spot or more like,,, lack of love. He often confuses love with either sex, money or fame,,, might I even say drugs.” 

You simply nodded not knowing what more to add to the conversation, Changbin’s fingers tracing small circles around your nipples, sneaking them down between your legs where your cunt was aching after him. Anything, as long as it was him. His middle- and ring finger dipped into your heat, feeling the wetness between your folds causing you to hold on to Changbin’s sturdy shoulder. Without warning his fingers entered your dripping hole, fingers curling upwards and grazing your g-spot. You flinched, feeling his cold metal rings against your clit. The dark haired boy shushed, reassuring you that you were in safe hands and that he would make you feel good. Nothing else mattered besides you. 

His fingers grazed your velvety walls, thrusting up into your cunt with just enough vigor to make you clutch to his bicep, the firm muscles making you swoon. You whined, spreading your legs even wider, your left leg hanging over the leather couch, sticking to your thigh as your body was heating up from arousal. The wet sounds of Changbin’s fingers playing with your cunt along with your soft whimpers were louder than the music outside, you pressing your head back onto the couch, rubbing your hair on the material. Changbin licked his plump lips upon seeing your face contorting into all kinds of lewd facial expressions, his cock needing to feel your warmth wrapped around it. The pad of his thumb played with your clit, laying it flat against the nub and teasing it in small circles causing tears to prickle in the corners of your shut eyes. 

“a-are you alright y/n?” he whispered softly in your ear, kissing the shell of your ear. You nodded, your hands cupping your tits, pinching your hardened nipples, adding pleasure and heat to the burning in your core. Changbin pulled out his fingers, putting the slick covered digits in his mouth and watching you with hawk eyes as he lapped up your juices, humming in delight. 

“fuck you taste so good angel” he stated, making you blush, covering your face with your hands. Changbin chuckled, tapping the tip of his dick against your swollen clit and aligning himself with your entrance. You moaned from the sensations, wrapping your legs around him to pull him in, you growing impatient the more he teased. 

“p-please fuck me Changbin” you said uttered in a faint voice, barely audible due to the music. It was as if his eyes tinged with a dark color, full of lust. His eyes were hooded, looking down at you with half closed lids, sighing loudly with sexual frustration. He wanted to destroy you, make you his but he had to hold onto his composure. Holding you firmly by your hips he slowly pushed the tip of his cock inside you, grunting at the warmness that comforted him. You hissed, biting the inside of your cheek, your nose scrunching up at the feeling of being stretched out by his girthy length. 

“can I go all the way? does it feel alright?” he asked. You answered with a small “yes”, more worried about the door being unlocked, anyone could burst through the door in seconds only to witness Changbin fucking you on the couch. That thought was quickly wiped from your mind as his cock stuffed into your cunt, your eyes rolling back into your skull as he slowly thrusts into you, using the hands on your hips as a way to guide him, nailing your cervix with each movement. The tips of his ears turned red, the silver chain around his neck reflecting on the dim light in the room as it rocked back and forward above you. You placed your hands around his wrists, looking boldly into his eyes with, a feeling brewing inside you that was hard to describe. It was titillation mixed with yearning. You knew you got him here. He was safe in your arms. You wanted to save him from everything bad in this world but how is that possible when you can’t even save yourself?

“c-changbin” you said in broken syllables, his thrusts only quickening. “changbin!” you repeated, shutting your eyes tightly, curling your toes in pleasure as a string of pretty moans melodically fell from your mouth along with his name. You couldn’t take it, his cock ramming into you in a both mindful and eager manner causing you to claw at his forearms, nails digging into the soft skin. Your tongues were once again caught in a kiss, the taste of your tongue being irresistible to the boy but not sure if it was your love that was drawing him in or the subtle taste of liquor from earlier. His lips felt parched against your, his tongue gliding on your bottom lip before kissing it, his saliva feeling hot in your mouth. The boy above you pulled away for a moment.

“you’re so pretty like this y/n,, fuck, i think i love you”

You gulped but your silence was soon cut off from Changbin slamming his hips against yours, his cock hitting your that specific spot that made you go crazy, the familiar feeling of your orgasm penting up inside you. You moaned with desperation, the lewd sounds bouncing off the dark colored walls. This was music for Changbin’s ears. His grunts accompanied by your whimpers and the squelching sound of your walls engulfing his dick so tightly, the sounds alone was heaven for him. With every move against your body you felt the well-acquainted smell of cigarettes that you could almost feel in your lungs, an addictive scent. 

“i love you too, Changbin” you mumbled, slurring on your words from nervousness, feeling shy even though you were naked in front of him. He smiled, peering down at you as his hair fell from it’s perfect gelled state. You smiled softly at him, his cheeks slowly turning a red that matched his lips. Your moans turned to borderline screams, his cock twitching inside of you as he slowly got closer to his sweet release. Clenching around him, Changbin grabbed bent your legs towards you, gently rolling his head backwards as the pace got quicker. 

“i’m g-gonna cum! don’t stop!” you yelped, your heart thumping at the speed of light, tiny sweat droplets forming on your forehead. Changbin reached so deep inside of you causing you to thrash around, fiercely trying to grip to the edges of the couch. The burning in your core got intense, it felt as if a thousand stars were falling at the same time, bursting with amativeness. The sudden feeling of warmth took over your body, a pleasant tingle surging. A breathy moan leaving you stunned, grabbing onto Changbin’s hands that were pushing your knees towards you. Just as your orgasm washed over you like a ton of bricks falling to the ground, your body jolted with the last couple of powerful thrusts, a loud gasp slipping from his lips. His girthy cock released it’s seed into the condom, his hot breath lingering near you. 

He let go of your quivering legs, them flopping down on either side of him. Your chest heaved up and down as you breathed through your parted lips. Changbin pulled off, carefully removing the condom and discarding it somewhere on the floor. He snuggled close to you on the narrow couch, pressing his sweaty body against yours, taking a moment to catch his breath before speaking.

“So you love me too?” he chuckled. You turned to face him, looking deep into his dark brown eyes that looked pitch black in the dim light. After a loud exhale you answered him.

“No, I think I can’t live without you” you whispered, rubbing the tip of your nose against his. His stable breath tickled against your chin, your eyes slowly closing as Changbin was observing your features that he found insanely attractive. And it was even more attractive that you were his. But this couldn’t last.

“You know this is not possible y/n” he said with sadness in his voice as he gulped, his adams apple protruding. You knew it, the thing you dreamt of wasn’t possible since the two of you didn’t exist in each other's worlds. 

“I feel fucking stupid” you said with closed eyes, sighing after your words. Changbin shook his head. 

“Don’t give up that easily y/n, we can try”. He was right but what relationship was only visible in the darkness of a nightclub? Only a promiscuous one. Yet, you didn’t want to give up. Not matter what kind of relationship it was you wanted to be with him. 

“So,,, what does that mean? That we are-”

“Dating, I guess” he added shortly, the corner of his lips lifting upwards. It sounded weird in your ears. Dating someone you had only met a couple of times but it felt right. This was where you belonged. In his arms, away from all your demons. He truly cared for you, not like the others. He was unlike those in your life that said that they cared but never wanted to know more than the surface level of your character. He wanted to know everything about you. Your hurt, your sorrows, your pain but also your happiness, your joy and your solace. He wanted to know you. 

Your hands trailed up and down his upper arms, his skin feeling soft against your touch. The two of you cuddled like this for a while, Changbin running his hands along your hair, its smell reminding him of a green meadow of millions of flowers in all shapes, colors and sizes. He didn’t want to leave but if he wasn’t back in the bar the boys would start looking for him and the last thing he wanted was 7 boys teasing him for getting it on. You were more than a hookup. More than just a fling. 

Changbin stood up, squinting his eyes in order to look for his clothes and finding them scattered all over the room. He pulled his underwear and jeans over his lower body before pulling his shirt over his top half, the black t-shirt sitting snugly around his muscles. He ran a hand through his dark hair, shaking his head before smirking at you. Such a tease. 

“Do you have to leave?” you asked with a whiny voice, your arms felt empty once again. He nodded.

“i’m afraid so, don’t want them thinking I've been transported back without them knowing, they get worried but that’s only natural I guess.” 

You nodded back, putting your cheek against the leather on the seat, your arm hanging straight down, the back of your hand limp against the floor. 

“Get dressed if you want to have some more fun or you can chill here for a moment but I have to warn you, that door doesn’t have a lock” Changbin said, pointing at the only door in the room. 

“i’ve already noticed that” you remarked, grabbing your panties and only after you’ve pulled them halfway up your thigh did you see Changbin smirking at you.

“You’re cuter than I thought” he said, pointing at your teddy bear panties with his chin, stepping closer to you. You looked away, biting your lip in embarrassment as you felt his hand on your hair, ruffling it sloppily. 

“You’re making fun of me!” you said back with a pout, pulling your pyjama pants over your bottom. 

“yeah, because you’re adorable” he said, placing a peck on your lips. You wanted more of him. He was simply addictive. 

But not even this universe wanted to see you two together.

Your eyelids got heavier, your eyebrows furrowing at the familiar yet distant feeling. It felt unknown until you saw the small specks clouding up your vision once again. 

“y/n? y/n, how are you?” Changbin said with worry, grabbing you by your shoulders and looking at your apathetic gaze. “N-no, y/n, don’t leave now”

You didn’t want to but you didn’t decide when you left. 

You harshly held Changbin in your arms, putting your forehead against his shoulder, rubbing against it. Changbin slowly put his hands around you, patting your back as salty tears rolled down your warm cheek, putting wet stains on his shirt. 

“shh,,, it’s ok y/n, are you feeling dizzy?” he asked carefully to which you nodded mellowly, your bottom lip quivering as the multicolored boxes of light flashed before your eyes. The room felt unstable, like your legs wouldn’t hold you much longer and they didn’t when you collapsed into Changbin’s arms, him holding you tightly to his chest as your knees buckled. Your voice was unstable, a silent cry pleading to be heard.

“I love you” you whispered in a frail voice. The ear-deafening music from outside was tuning out from your hearing, your words slurring at the end as you repeated yourself for the last time. 

“I love y-you”

Changbin was left hugging air, his arms empty as he opened his sparkling eyes. He was close to tears because he was left there. Without you. 

“HEY! WHERE IS- oh” 

Jisung burst through the black door, the six other boys standing close behind him as they looked around the room, eventually catching eye contact with Changbin.

“She went home” Changbin said softly, letting his arms fall to the sides. Jisung inched closer to him, patting him on the shoulder where your tears were still left as a souvenir of your love. 

“She’ll come back, don’t worry about it” Jisung said with a reassuring smile, leading Changbin to the door, out of the room that smelled like sex and tenderness.

“Euw,, what is this doing here? Does nobody know how to clean up?” Felix said pointing at the used condom on the floor. Changbin’s face went cold, stopping dead in his tracks. 

“is it yours or something Changbin?” Hyunjin laughed, pushing the youngest, Jeongin, in a fit of laughter. 

The room went quiet after Hyunjin’s cold laughter. It was pretty obvious.

“YOU FUCKED HER?” Jisung screamed in Changbin’s ear, making him flinch away and holding his ear in pain. The room filled with all sorts of teasing sounds, everything from “ooh~" to “AYE” in obnoxious voices. 

“Luckily he used a condom!” Minho snarled, glancing over at Chan that was ready to beat Minho into pulp. Chan sighed, regretting that he didn’t shove the condom in Minho’s smirky face. 

“No but seriously you guys, y/n is more than you think. It’s not just another person I fucked, she actually means something to me.” 

Just when Changbin thought he had something special some of the boys started laughing even harder, ruffling his hair and poking his cheeks.

“yeah right,,, what? are you guys dating or something?” Seungmin asked, rolling his eyes.

“yes, i’m serious you guys! I love her,,,” he said with a frown, already missing your touch.

“What idiot gets into a relationship 3 months before they have to go to rehab?” Minho says, retrieving a cigarette from the red packaging in the pocket of his leather jacket. 

Oh fuck. 

Rehab.

When someone recovers from their pain is when you disappear from the club. You are no longer a lost soul. You are no longer lost within yourself. And that’s when you return to the real world, your real world. 

Keeping secrets in a relationship was deceitful in Changbin’s eyes. If you belong to someone you should be as transparent as the liquor he poured into his ice cold glass every evening. He felt guilty. You poured your heart out for him, telling him everything that had hurt for so many years and here he was, pretending. He did that a lot, mainly because he was taught to be a reliable man. It wasn’t manly to feel. 

Which is why he left his home at a young age. He didn’t care if he worked a minimum wage job and lived in a destitute area, he was content as long as he didn’t live with his parents. But when you live alone it’s not rare that isolation creeps up on you and strokes your cheek with a feather light touch, inviting you over to a dance with the demons that would soon cloud up your mind. Alcohol was Changbin’s comfort. It was the only one that didn’t fail to reassure him. It was as if the bottles spoke to him, promising him that a life intoxicated was better than the life he was currently living. 

And he fell for it.

Every time.

He couldn’t take it anymore, he wanted to live a life that is actually worth living. Change comes from within but he needed help and he had only recently realized that he had a problem, that these toxic liquids were what’s keeping him from chasing the dream life. He didn’t dream of much, just the average life would be more than enough, with someone he loved. 

But what was he supposed to do?

Take the step to recover or continue his addiction for the sake of being with you?

The demons whispered softly in his ears.

Life or Love?

Taglist ; @minholuvs @liz820​ @skztrashbag @lix-freckle3​ 

[bestruction]

How it’d be to watch animes with them

A/N: While i’m working on my Mikasa x reader royal au, this little idea came to my mind. I tried to put the links when i mentioned a specific scene and speak a little about the anime in case you don’t know it.  So here it’s: 

Warnings: Me exposing my otaku self, mentions of 18+ animes (Not hentais) 

Eren -  Kaguya-sama wa Kokurasetai: Tensai-tachi no Renai Zunousen (13+)

A / N: The main characters like each other, but none wants to confess because being the person who takes the first step would also represent being the defeated person. The anime develops in a series of plans that both elaborate to make the other confess their love.

Warnings: None

It was his idea to watch an anime together since the two of you liked it a lot. You saw no harm and agreed to go to sleep with your boyfriend on Friday night. So, you would have the dawn and the weekend to see everything.

“We could watch One piece! Everybody likes"

“In three days ?! We will not finish even if we do not take breaks ”

"Naruto then?"

“Haven't you seen it all five times or more?

"But it is a classic!"

"It is also too long!"

He would sulk when he saw you reject each of his suggestions for being too big animes. The truth was, he was trying to convince you to stay longer. After much searching in the catalog, you choose to watch a short comedy of 12 episodes.

Biggest mistake ever

Eren is already annoying by nature, and after watching Kaguya-sama's two seasons he would spend the day and night trying to get you to confess to him EVEN IF YOU'VE BEEN IN LOVE FOR TWO YEARS AND HE HAS BEEN THE FIRST TO DECLARE. HIT HIM, PLEASE.

"Do you think that using such a low trick will make me give in?"

“Eren, I just got out of the shower. What trick? Wear an outfit? ”

“Showing off your skin won't make you win”

If you wanted to play with him, great. You are going to spend the day in this little game until he gets tired and just hugs you or something because he can't spend a lot of time without touching you. But if you didn't want to, just you could use that touchy side of him against him too.

"Maybe I shouldn't show you anything else then"

"Yes, of course, do- Wait what?"

"You heard"

“NO, BABE! YOU WON! I CONFESS! I LOVE YOU"

Watching anime with him would be quite an experience. For being very verbal, Eren would be the type of person who doesn't shut up watching anything. Especially, something that makes him laugh. You would see him laughing out loud and throwing himself back on the couch or on you, whether you were with him or not. You may even complain, but it would be fun to see him react to everything as immediately and naturally as an unfiltered child.

He will sing ALL the openings for the rest of the days around the house until you are humming some without realizing it.

For some reason, can I imagine him doing Chika dance ?? Yes, please film this big bear dancing like a little girl.

Levi - Death parade 

A / N: Do you want to cry and hurt yourself? This is the right place. Death Parade is a story about what happens after death. The characters are sent to mysterious bars where they will be judged to decide the fate of the souls themselves. (18+)

Warnings: Suicide, depressive themes, mentions of rape and domestic violence

I don't see Levi watching many animes. In fact, I don't see him watching much anything at all. He would be the type of person who can't spend a lot of time in front of the television without feeling like he's wasting time. Which would result in a very selective and demanding taste.

He would always read the reviews about the film, and after watching it, he would make his own. Ever. No exceptions. Unlike Impossible-to-be-quiet-Eren, Levi would be silent to be able to capture and understand all the details. This is interesting because getting his attention is a difficult task. But once it's done, he is 100% focused on the story and immersed in the characters.

So, after reading about it, he would agree to watch Death Parade with you.

He would have low expectations at first, and if the anime failed to hold his very difficult attention in three episodes, he wouldn't even try with the rest.

So when in the first episode, all suspense and doubts left to the viewer entered Ackerman's head, he would finish the other 11 without realizing it.

As a rational person, he would love things that make him think and reflect on the proposed theme. In the case: Life and death.

For some reason, I imagine him as someone who would like to study and read philosophy as a hobby and that he would love Nietzsche? So, you could expect deep conversations after each episode.

But without any arrogance, humanity's strongest soldier might not be the most talkative man in humanity, but surely when he opened his mouth to it, it wouldn’t be to show himself off with something that he knows and you don’t. On the contrary, he would be more than happy to explain if you asked and added your opinion.

He wouldn't cry, but he would be touched by the way the emotions were shown and created in the characters.

He would probably see the scene where Decim cries more than once for being impressed with how the pain of a character who is supposedly not flesh and blood is expressed so well.

And after the anime is over, you would always see him listening to the music of the ice skating scene around the house while doing something.

When you were finished watching everything, you would talk again about the anime. You lying on his chest and he touching his hair, smelling him.

"Do you believe in reincarnation, Levi?"

“If so, I wouldn't go back to this shit a second time. No matter what they offered me ”

"Levi!"

"Unless it was to have you again"

“What a cliché” He would roll his eyes after hearing your response “But I like clichés”

Again, he wouldn't cry, but he would be thinking about how ephemeral things can be, including being alive. Then you can expect a more touchy Levi for a few days.

Jean - Banana Fish 

N / A: Another one to cry and get hurt. Banana Fish is way more than just a story about one character just is hard to define. So in case, you didn’t watch it, here’s the trailer. (18+)

warnings: pedophilia, rape, violence, drugs, your heart being destroyed

You know that guy who says that no yaoi is good, it's just a way to feed a bunch of fujoshi and stuff like that? Jean. It's him. I just know it. So when you suggested Banana Fish and said it was a BL / yaoi, he would probably laugh and ignore the idea.

But after insisting a little and showing him the many compliments that both the anime and the manga received, he would accept.

At first, he wouldn't pay much attention. He really thought it would be just another bad anime. But by the end of the first episode, he would be too involved in the story to stop.

I think he would love crime novels for the same reason that Levi: To think. Try to find out how things are going to end and pick up any clues that the author has left about the ending. So the plot would hold him so much because he would make a ton of theories about the end.

He will ship Ash and Eiji with all his soul. I mean, how can he not ship? To see an anime in which the physical touch between the couple doesn't really happen and still builds a well-developed and healthy relationship would be a new experience for him.

Jean is somewhat similar to Eren in this respect. So you can expect to see him huffing in anger, cursing one of the characters, throwing a pillow away, or using it to hide a tear or two that he would let go of you. The kind of person who gets emotionally involved with the things he watches.

He would cry an entire river after watching the last episode and deny it later.

“I was not crying. The cushion fabric made my eyes itch a lot ”

Show him again and he will cry the same amount and intensity

Armin - Haikyuu

A / N: Considering all the texts on Tumblr for haikyuu characters, I’m pretty sure you know what anime it’s lol (10+)

Armin is an otaku with a license card and no one can change my mind. He would probably start watching it as a child. So, his first animes would be everyone's classics: Naruto, Dragon Ball Z, Bleach, etc.

So it would be normal that as the vast majority, he would continue to have a preference for shounen when he grew up. So it would be your idea to see Haikyuu.

He would have low expectations because he thought it would be just another anime with cute characters for everyone to be thirsty as an inverted harem. And also because the synopsis does not create a strong impression, especially for those who consume shounen daily.

"So we are just gonna see a little boy trying to catch a ball?"

“It's gonna be good! Everyone is talking about it now ”

"Does he have some superpower?"

"No"

"Something scary?"

"Armin, just give a chance!"

He would like it. Did I say he would like it? Because he would love it. The atmosphere created and well developed with such a simple plot would hold his attention well. (Is it possible to dislike Hinata in the first episode?)

It would be a great anime for him to watch because 1. It is different from what he usually sees. Unlike shounen, Haikyuu deals only with real and tangible scenarios. Of course, still with that touch of anime, but it is very easy to recognize yourself in the characters and learn from them and therefore reflect on yourself as well.

It would be great to make him think about his own insecurities and how most of them were inside his head.

He would be so immersed in the anime universe that he would have to pause the game scenes because he would be too nervous waiting for the ball to fall.

You will probably see him taking a deep breath in each drawing scene of the characters and see him truly cheering for the team as if it were a real national game.

More than that, you will see his eyes full of tears when Yamaguchi hit the serve in the match against Aoba johsai.

In fact, Yamaguchi would be his favorite character. No discussions.

"I said it would be good"

"Shut up"

"Make me"

Mikasa - Heaven’s official blessing 

A / N: I'm going to leave the trailer here because I don't know how to define it very well. It's a novel, but the story doesn't focus ONLY on that. (14+)

Okay, you didn't suggest. She did not suggest. So how do you end up watching together? You catch her watching when you come home by surprise lol

Until then, you would know that she watched some anime, but nothing romantic. Never. In fact, that was her little secret.

Although common sense is that Mikasa would be cold even in a modern au (and I agree in parts). I think she would be the type of person who loves to see the sweetest and softest things to melt alone on the couch without anyone seeing. A moment for herself and a part of her that she would not show to anyone.

You would already know about her romantic side, but seeing her under the covers sighing while watching the Netflix special episode is a totally different story.

Please don’t mock her!!. She would be red enough by the time she was discovered.

When she was less shy, she would ask if you want to watch with her. She would say she saw no problem watching it with you again since doing it with you would be a different experience.

If you accept, you would spend the rest of the night in the room sharing a blanket and absorbing the soft atmosphere, the soundtrack, and the Chinese culture so present in history.

She would not speak a lot because she was paying attention, but she would hug you all the time. In the romantic scenes, she would tighten her arms around you a little and sometimes left a kiss on your shoulder.

I think she could relate to Hua Cheng's way of loving. He is always there to protect, care for and see his lover even if sometimes Xie Lian doesn't even know.

And that is what she wants to show you, that more than a girlfriend, she is also someone you can count on.

Days later, you will see her reading the rest of the work around the house because she couldn't stand to wait for a second season.

And later, SURELY melting and vibrating while watching Mo Dao Zu Shi.

[cognitivefunk]

So I wanted to try my hand at writing something a little darker than usual, exploring some more themes since I’m a fan of yandere and guro. PLEASE pay close attention to the warnings. I probably kept things relatively tame all things considered, but it is not a soft fluffy fic. Anyway, I hope you enjoy! 

Title: Eyes in the Dark

Rating: Explicit, R18+, 18+ not safe for kids

POV: second person AMAB reader, yandere refers to reader as ‘boy’ several times but it’s more of a demeaning thing as reader is 18+

Pairing: Reader/OC Yandere named Adrian

Warnings: NONCON, needles, drugs, kidnapping, torture, stitches, description of wounds, pins and trauma, ball gag, abusive, BL, mild choking, yandere, obsessiveness, unhealthy dynamic, smut, anal penetration, blood, crying, sense of helplessness

Word Count: 9,210

Living in a small village near the forest, you lived a quiet life living off the land. You had your garden, a well for water, and you trapped animals for both fur and sustenance. You could have lived in the city, but in all honesty, it felt right to be so close to nature. After all, you were a solitary creature, preferring the sound of nature over the bustling chaos of city life. 

You were quick on your feet, used to running the floor of the forest, collecting wood and food on your excursions. Some of the beasts of the land were violent predators, but you had managed to evade any real harm to date. That is, until tonight.

You had left a little earlier in the morning than your usual schedule. It was a little before 3 a.m. but you wanted to travel down to the ravine later in the day to go fishing and you needed to divide your time carefully if you wanted to get everything done. You slung your knapsack over your shoulder and set out to the forest, yawning to yourself.

Unbeknownst to you, a strange man had been watching you. You sometimes felt eyes on you, but over time you learned to brush off the feeling. As long as it didn’t approach you, you couldn’t be bothered to investigate further. There were a lot of creatures that lived in this forest so you figured it was just another one of the beasts of the land.

Setting your bag down on a tree stump, you walk forward to check on one of your traps, only to step on a piece of rope. Your reaction time was off as the rope tightened around you ankle, hoisting you up in the air. You felt the blood rush to your head, and you flailed your arms around, trying to grab onto a nearby branch. If you could get the dagger out of your waistband, you would be able to cut yourself loose.

As you reached for your tool, you didn’t hear the man approach you. He moved with unnerving silence. You felt a sudden throbbing in your head and shouted out in pain, the world swirling around in your vision before going dark. The last thing you remember seeing was the smile of an unknown man, teeth unusually sharp.  

"Ah, good morning my little flower, it's about time you got up," said the man. He knelt down in front of you, tilting your chin up to meet his gaze by lifting your face with his fingers on your chin. "We're going to have a lot of fun together~"

He had a wild look in his eyes; you couldn’t see his pupils, masked by the darkness of his eyes. It was as though his entire iris was a dark hole, pulling you in. Your eyes dart around the room, trying to get a bearing of where you were. Your arms were tied behind you, holding you firmly to a metal support beam. You assumed you were in a basement of some sort. The concrete floor felt damp and cold.

You open your mouth to speak, but the sadist cuts you off. "Stop it! Stop it please!" he cries out again, gripping your cheeks in his hands as he laughs. The sound was chilling, filled with a type of excitement you couldn’t quite place, but you knew it wasn’t good news for your situation.

You shudder, your entire body shaking. There was a tension in the air that made you feel uneasy. "Who are you? Where am I?" you ask, shaking your head from side to side, the man’s hand falling away from your chin.

“Where am I? What do you want from me!?” he mocked you, using a falsetto voice, pretending to cry. It was a twisted display and you found yourself frowning at him. A dark chuckle filled the room as the man shakes his head again, rearing his arm back. You felt his palm make contact with your cheek with a great force, pulling you instantly into reality. You jerk away from the slap, your face radiating with pain as warmth spreads across your cheek.

You tremble, wringing your wrists back and forth, the rope tying them together chaffing the skin. You wonder how long you had been out for. Judging by the soreness of your shoulders, it was at least an hour.

The man brought his face closer to yours, and you could feel your noses brush against one another. His gaze was intense, searching for something in your eyes. He paused, grinning once again. You felt unnerved by his erratic behavior.

"What do you want from me? Money? I'm not much of a ransom," you quip, your voice taking on a defensive edge as the man eyes you. You examined your captor's face. He was undoubtedly handsome, but with an edge of madness to him. He had brown slicked back hair, messy but kept. His eyes held a cruelty to them, and you sank back against the metal pole behind you.

You furrowed your brows in confusion at his confession; the hair on the back of your neck was standing on end. Suddenly, you felt very foolish for ignoring all those times out in the forest you didn’t listen to your gut.

Adrian snarled, slamming his fist into your chest hard. You gasp, wheezing as the breath is knocked out of you. You wheeze, the air pushed from your lungs, replaced by a bruising sting that blossomed across your chest. Your head hung forward as he pulled his fist back, averting your eyes to the ground as you struggled to regain your breath.

He seemed to be thinking, and you felt his nose brush up against yours again. “Money? Oh no my little flower, I don’t want your things. I want you.” He let out a shuddering breath; reaching the hand he was going to hit you with to stroke the side of your face gently. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this…”

The man pulled back just enough to poke his finger against your chest, as if to mock the fact that you were able to defend yourself. You squirmed against his touch, but you had nowhere to retreat to. You pushed your legs against the floor, arching as far back into the metal post as you could. “Who are you!? What do you want?” you pried, trying to get a grasp of your current situation. You felt like a record on repeat, but honestly the panic setting into your mind was scrambling your thoughts.

"I want you to scream," he says simply, as if this was all there was to life.

"What?" you ask. Your heart was racing and you felt another tremor work its way through you.

Adrian pauses, "I want you to scream for me... like a little bitch." He paused, taking the time to pet the hair on the side of your head soothingly. “I want to hear all the sounds you can make. All the pretty little expressions you can give me…”

The words you were thinking of saying next died in your throat before they could even be uttered. This man was crazy. He was going to hurt you, and you had no escape. You shivered, nervously chewing on your lower lip.

"After all this time…now that you’re finally here in my grasp, I want to hurt you, and humiliate you.” He continued petting your hair, tucking a lock of it behind your ear, revealing more of your face to him. “And you’ll be so good for me, won’t you? If not... well, I won't mince words. I will kill you."

You swallow thickly at his threat, taking him at his word. He went through all the trouble to capture you and tie you up in his basement, you were sure he would kill you without a second thought if you did something he didn't like. You would just have to get through this, you told yourself, trying to mentally prepare yourself for what happened next.

He nestled his nose into your hair, breathing deeply and letting out a low groan. “Aaah, my little flower, I want to bury myself in you so bad. Do you think you can take it?” Your mouth felt dry and you tried to swallow again, shakily replying, “I don’t….”

“Shh,” he placed a finger over your lips, stroking his finger along your mouth and tracing the line of your upper lip, smiling as you halted your protest. “That’s a good boy…”

A high pitched whimper emitted in the back of your throat as his threat became...sexual. You were scared; your heart was racing like it was going to jump out of your chest. He couldn’t be serious. Your eyes flickered back to his, and you could see desire pooling in his dark gaze. He was serious.

“Surely you want it too? You’re not a virgin are you?” he spoke low, clearly hoping for the latter to be true. You looked down at the ground, not wanting to meet his eye as you spoke. "No, I’m not," you admitted. Time had passed since then, but you had lain with a man before in your life. You weren't sure you liked the idea of it being with a complete stranger, however, let alone one who was holding you captive in his basement.

He clicked his tongue against his teeth, displeased at this revelation but he seemed to accept the fact. “No matter, once I take you for myself you won’t be able to think about anyone else,” as he spoke, a grin split open on his face and he leaned back in to nuzzle against your soft hair. “That’s right…I’ll take you over, and over again. You’ll be begging me before long…”

He seemed to be talking more to himself than to you. You could feel your face turn red at his sickly perverted ramble, "I don't want this…” you managed to murmur out. You could feel the blush blooming across your face and down your neck as he said those filthy words. It felt wrong. This was wrong. But your body betrayed the rational side of you, and you knew that it was only a matter of time before you would be fully erect.

A bemused chuckle reached your ears as the man pulled away from your hair, towering over you. "You don't have a choice," he spoke low, his voice husky with lust. “I’ve waited too long.”

This was it. He was going to hurt you. Or you were going to be fucked against your will. You screeched internally, realizing it was probably going to be a mixture of the two and you desperately wished you could wring your wrists out of the ropes.

As he stroked the side of your cheek, his hand felt colder than before. You shivered, your mind screaming at you to pull away from his touch, but if you played along he might not hurt you as bad. He could feel you trembling beneath his touch.

“Shhh, it’s ok, don’t be scared. I promise, you’ll enjoy this too. I’ll make sure of that,” he croons gently at you. It was a cruel mockery of kindness. His voice was rehearsed, but the gentleness didn’t reach his eyes.

"I don't...know you," you say quietly, tears starting to prick at the corners of your eyes as you look anywhere but his eyes. You couldn’t trust his saccharine voice, sweet as poison, and just as deadly. His eyes narrowed dangerously at your objection. He flicked his wrist, snapping your head back as his grip on your face tightened.

Your head was still sore from where he knocked you out earlier and you cried as your head smacked against the post. His lips twisted into a smirk and he let out a short bark of laughter, “Well then, how about we get to know each other a little.”

Your breath catches in your throat at the tone in his voice. You needed to soothe over the situation, quickly. "No! Ah, wait. That's not what I mean!" you smile nervously at the man, hoping to appease him. You flounder for your words and you swear you could see enjoyment in that infuriating smirk of his.

You try to scream but all that comes out is a pathetic snivel as your voice cracks under the emotion coursing through you. You were fighting against yourself not to cry. You didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. The feeling of fear crawled across your body, wrapping you in its embrace.

“Please…I want to go home,” your voice sounds defeated as it leaves you.

He stares at you coldly before speaking once more, “Don’t you want to please me?”

“Tell me then, what do you mean, my flower…” his pet name for you left you uncomfortable, but you weren’t exactly in a place where you could tell him off about it.

"I'll...play along...with you," you say, choosing your words carefully. You searched his face, watching for any change in his reaction. There was definitely enjoyment on his face as he heard you give into the situation.

What you were about to do was not going to be easy on you. It was paramount that you played into his little game. He seemed the type to peel off your skin slowly with his bare hands, and it made your stomach churn. You would need to give a good performance.

"So…what do you want me to do?" you ask, trying to sound coy. You were shifting your shoulders, the ropes around your wrists was cutting in, but you continued slowly twisting your hands back and forth, hoping to loosen the binds.

Adrian smiles, amusement clear in his eyes. "Oh? What’s this now, finally admitting your attraction to me? I’ll admit, I was anticipating it would take you longer to realize your feelings," he rambles on, a laugh escaping his lips.

"What do you mean?" you ask, your heart rate picking up pace again. You shifted awkwardly against the metal post, still unable to move from your spot. He stood up, walking over to the counter on the back wall of the basement to pick something up. You strained to see what he was holding, only to shrink back against the post as you noticed he was walking back toward you with a knife.

You close your eyes, taking a deep breath.

You were terrified of this man.

“Hmmm, I’ll tell you what,” he says, trailing off as his foot touches yours, nudging it a little with the tip of his shoe.

"You’ll be a good little pet for me, hm? I'll make sure you feel nice and special," as he speaks, his voice takes on a darker edge. He kicks your foot to the side, opening your legs as he kneels between your knees. He grins as he takes the knife and cuts away at your pants, leaving your bottom half bare to the cold air of the basement. You were frozen in place, just trying to focus on your breathing as he continued to rip your clothing away from you.

You keep telling yourself to stay calm. He'll realize he's gone too far, stop everything. But he just keeps going, grinning as he rips your underwear away from you as well.

You try to hide yourself from him by pulling your knees closer together, but he grabbed at your legs, pushing them apart. You were completely at his mercy, half aroused from the fear of the situation. "Well, well, well. What do we have here?" he says, voice filled with glee as he licks his lips. “See? I knew you were special…”

You see red. You want nothing more than to reach up, grab that disgusting man by the throat and squeeze until his eyes bulge from his head. You feel pathetic in how utterly helpless you were. If he hadn’t gotten the upper hand on you out in the woods, you would have had a chance to fight back. You wanted more than anything to be able to fight back.

You didn't dare do anything reckless when he had the knife so close to your most sensitive area. He trailed the cold tip of the knife up your thigh, pressing in just enough to leave a light trail of blood. It didn't hurt at first, as the knife kissed your skin, but as the blood came bubbling slowly to the surface you felt the sting of the cut.

He took his time working his way up your legs, taking his time with each cut. By the time he reached your groin, you held your breath in your throat, nervously flicking your eyes back and forth from the knife to his face and back again.

As he pressed the knife shallowly above your groin you moan out involuntarily, catching his attention. His eyes lock onto yours and a flush seems to creep over his cheeks, and he licks his lips slowly, clearly pleased.

“My my, so sensitive,” he breathed, fanning his face dramatically. He seemed to be a rather theatrical man. His voice dipped low again, taking on a sultry tone. “Look at you, getting hard from me cutting you. Tell me, were you always such a filthy pervert or are you just like this for me?”

Changing pace, he pulls back to hit you across the face with the flat of the knife, relishing your delicious reaction.

You cry out pitifully as the knife grazes your cheek from the impact of the blow. A fine line of blood drips down your chin, pooling along your jawline. You frown, your lower lip quivering as curse out, “Fuck…”

His eyes light up, “Aah, you’re so dirty. I knew you’d be perfect~” He was overcome with a giddy, twisted glee as he stood up, excitedly shuffling off to the other side of the basement.

You relax against the post, slumping your head against it to rest as you watched him retreat. You groaned quietly, still working at the ropes around your wrists, trying to get them to loosen. The rope was burning against your skin, and you knew without needing to see them that they were raw and red.

He turned around, pausing his ministrations for a while, just staring at you. He quietly turned away, shuffling bottles and a large toolbox around. The silence was all the encouragement you needed, and you started working feverishly at the knots, exhaustion taking over as your fingers finally work through the knots.

He seemed to be in thought; he paced around the basement, and you were worried he could see what you were up to. You take your chances regardless, freeing your hands from the rope and finally bringing them to your chest, your arms stiff from being held in the same position for hours.

You risk another glance at your captor, who is still pacing. You notice he has something in his hands that you hadn’t seen a moment ago. He was holding a long metal baton with spikes adorning the sides all the way to its pointed tip. You barely had time to register it before you were suddenly greeted with a sharp pain in both of your feet.

He had swung it against the bottom of your bare feet, making you cry out in agony, toes curling inward which only served to aggravate your weeping injury further. "Oh, I'm so sorry. Did that hurt?" he cooed, his voice mockingly sweet as he reeled back, slamming the baton against the heels of your feet this time. You saw white flashes in your vision as the pain exploded in your feet, leaving you incapable of running.

You screamed out, reaching instinctively to hold your legs, choking on a sob as the pain seared up your calves. "Did you really think I wouldn't notice you untying your ropes?" he breathed, dropping the bloodied weapon on the floor behind him with a metallic clink. He knelt between your knees once again, cupping your face in his hands. "You better not be trying to escape, my little flower,” he breathed against your cheek.

“What a naughty little thing, you just can’t help it can you?” he nods to himself, talking more at you than to you. "It’s alright, shh, it’s ok. It’s my fault, I haven’t broken you in yet, it’s ok…" He slipped his arms under yours and laid your arms around his shoulders, holding you tightly against his chest as he rocked you back and forth.

Tears welled in your eyes, and you were unable to stop them from streaming down your cheeks as he rocked you back and forth as though consoling a small child. He continued shushing you, petting your hair soothingly. "Naughty pets get punishment, but that's ok. You're learning...you're still learning," he mused, his voice taking on a sinister tone as he pulled back to wipe at your tears with his thumbs.

"I'll make sure you have so much fun here, you'll forget all your...trivial thoughts of wanting to run away,” he wiped away your tears, smearing some of the blood that was left behind from the earlier cut on your face.

‘Stop touching me with those horrible hands,' you thought to yourself, clenching your teeth together and breathing shakily. You could feel the blood tickling the bottoms of your soles, but the skin and muscle felt so raw you didn't find enjoyment in the sensation. You didn't have time to dwell on it long before he was pulling you to your feet, forcing you to stand.

You cried out loudly, desperately trying to shift the weight off of your feet as he led you over to a cart filled with instruments of torture. He half drug your body to a table, and when you weren’t able to take a further step forward, he fastened his hands under your arms to lift you onto the table. It made you feel like you weighed nothing to him.

You were forced into an awkward sitting position, your arms stretched out in front of you as he chained them to the metal handles at the end.

"Now, you won't be getting out of these as easily," he said cheerfully, patting the metal rings he fastened around your wrists, admiring his handiwork. The clasps were fastened to the ceiling, held together with long chains. You could swing your arms a little, but the range of motion was restricted. Your wrists were still raw with the rope burn from before, the cool metal biting against your flesh.

While you were adjusting to your new position, he turned around to grab a few more of his toys. In one hand was a shorter chain, and in the other was a ball gag. He gave you another cheery smile, holding them up proudly.

Your eyes widen as you notice the ball gag in his hands and he gives you a friendly smile, "Shhh, don’t be scared." He pressed the gag against your lips, holding the back of your head, the chain still wrapped in his other hand. "Open up for me, hm?" He tugged on a fistful of your hair, causing you to gasp. He used the opportunity to press the gag into your mouth, carefully fastening it around your head. "That's better," he mused, wrapping the shorter chain around your throat like a makeshift collar and leash.

You could barely move as he wrapped the chain around your neck, his hand on the other side of your head holding the chain tight against his body. He smiled fondly at you, giving it an experimental tug just to listen to your panicked whine. “Aah, beautiful…” he murmured.

You choked on a sob, blinking away several tears that had begun to form again. You didn't want to be congested with your mouth in such an awkward position, forced open to accommodate the ball. You were thankful for the holes in the sides, likely to assist in breathing, but you knew that before long you would end up drooling and it was demeaning.

He let the chain go for now, letting it dangle around your chest. You had been completely stripped by the blade of his knife earlier, and you felt extremely vulnerable in your current position. You could only watch as he mulled over which of his 'toys' to use first.

Adrian rubbed your shoulder, "Good, very good. You’re doing so well," he turned to pick up two needles, one long and one much shorter. “I know you’re scared little one.” You couldn’t help but whine in the back of your throat again. What was he going to inject you with?

"But that's ok~ I'll make sure you feel really good," he chuckled to himself approaching the table once again. He set the shorter needle down momentarily, inspecting the red tinted liquid in the longer syringe, giving the tip of the needle a little flick as he pushed some of the liquid through, checking for air. "Perfect," he pulls out a small alcohol wipe, ripping the package open with his teeth and running the cool pad over your shoulder. "Take a deep breath for me, ok?" he coos, pressing the needle into your arm, slowly injecting the foreign liquid into you.

You slowly nod, taking in a shaky breath. Once finished, he dabs the little puncture would left behind again with the wipe, moving to the other side of the table with the smaller needle in hand. He repeats the process of wiping down a small patch on your neck before pressing carefully into the crook of your neck. It pinched going in but soon your head felt muddy as the pain in your feet and limbs subsided.

You let out a soft moan, somewhat out of surprise, as the pain was wicked away. He had injected you with a pain reliever, which you were immediately grateful for. But the other injection was also starting to take effect… You felt your skin felt flushed from head to toe. Your breath was increasing in frequency and it felt like the medicine was seeping into every pore.

"Isn’t that better?" he spoke, smiling at you. That damned, incessant smile. He began slowly kissing his way up your stomach, pausing at your chest to swirl his tongue around your now aching nipples.

A lascivious moan escapes your throat, muffled by the gag in your mouth. It startles you, and you feel a pool of heat gathering in your lower half. Your vision is hazy, and your thoughts are jumbled. It feels like your head is underwater. Another moan bubbles in your throat as Adrian bites harshly on a pert nipple, causing you to arch into him.

"Does that feel good?" he asks sweetly, twisting the sensitive nub.

You shiver, nodding your head weakly, earning another chuckle from the man. He plays with the chain dangling from your neck, giving it a little tug just to jolt you.

"Isn't it better when you just play along?" He smiles, giving another gentle tug on the chain. You can’t seem to answer him, your body was aching sweetly, and you swayed a little on the table, the chains rattling at your movement.

He shifts his weight off the table momentarily to put the emptied syringes back into his toolbox. He would worry about cleaning them later. For now, he was going to have fun with his new pet.

"Tell me, have you ever tasted your own blood?"

Your eyes widen in terror as your mind scrambles to come up with an answer. You go to respond, momentarily forgetting the gag in your mouth. You make a muffled sound before shaking your from side to side, eyeing him suspiciously. He hums to himself, picking a small, decorative knife from the toolbox, inspecting it for sharpness before turning to face you completely. "Oh that's a shame," his voice has a mocking sense of pity in it as he approaches you with a glint in his eye. "Let's change that shall we?"

A distressed whimper hangs in the back of your throat and you tug at the chains around your wrist. You still your movements when you notice the frown curving on his lips. His eyes were narrow as he pressed the knife up against your collarbone, letting the blade kiss your skin lightly, a thin trail of blood dripping down in a single line down your chest. He admired it for a moment before flipping it in his hand and driving the blade down into your thigh.  

A startled yelp escapes your lips as you tears rapidly fall down your cheeks. You press your tongue hard against the gag to prevent yourself from screaming, trying to bite against the slippery surface. The pain was dulled from the earlier injection, but you were still able to feel the subdued ache that it left behind. He twisted the knife harshly to the side, opening a gash in your soft thigh and you wince, crying out as you avert your eyes away from the damage.

Unfortunately for you, the aphrodisiac in your system was tricking your mind into reacting to the pain by sending jolts of pleasure through your system. It made you want to feel sick, sending a violent shudder up your spine.

He begins to trace a finger along your oozing wound, painting his finger a deep shade of crimson. He hums to himself again, grin widening as a ghastly idea inspires him into action. He grabs a straight pin from the table, leaning in to press it into your throbbing flesh.

He stood back for a moment, eyes trailing over the pin in your wound and he smiled thoughtfully, standing back to grab several more pins, effectively adorning them across your wound to hold it open. "Beautiful," he breathed, admiring the weeping, mutilated flesh. You breathed harshly, the sensations nearly overwhelming your senses. You didn't want to look at it; it made your stomach drop.

He leans over the table in front of you, lifting your chin up with a rough hand.

Adrian then presses his index finger directly into the gaping wound, coating his finger in your warm, sticky blood. Your face twists in agony as he penetrates your thigh. You could see him shiver, and a twisted smile graced his handsome features. You wished the circumstances were different, then you might truly be able to appreciate the man's face. But right now your emotions felt mixed, and your pulse pounded in your temples. You just wanted him to stop.

He twirls his finger in the air, drawing out the moment before he brings it down to one of the holes in the ball gag, letting it drip inside. You were frozen, fixated on his hand as your own blood dripped down, onto your tongue. You had no choice but to taste the metallic, copper tang that coated your tongue. It made you dizzy, but you moaned out reflexively.

"Savor," he whispers quietly, watching your reaction carefully. You can tell he's enjoying this.

You let your eyes flutter shut, focusing on the strange taste in your mouth. There was a vague sweetness to it that you assumed was the result of whatever he injected you with. You swayed a little, your body feeling slow as another wave of warmth spread across you.

You were about to lose consciousness. He knew it.

"Aah, I can hardly take it. You’re so beautiful,” he gushed, admiring your body as you struggled against your consciousness.  “I'm going to enjoy this."

He traced a hand under your chin almost lovingly, reaching back to his toolbox. "As much as I love seeing you so...helpless...I can't have you falling asleep before the main event."

You kept your eyes closed, embracing the warmth of his hand as he caressed you. You leaned into him, and made a small noise of disappointment when he withdrew his touch. It wasn't until you felt another needle injecting into your skin that you blearily opened your eyes. A jolt of electricity coursed through your body, rousing your senses and you were suddenly wracked with shivers.

Your veins felt cold, but your skin burned hotter. He stood over you, studying you, watching as your body started to react to the pain that was surely throbbing from your torn up thigh. He took in a sharp breath, palming himself through his pants at the sight of you. A disheveled mess.

“Aaahn, I made a miscalculation in the sedative but I made it all better,” he shuddered, working himself up. You could see his impressive erection straining against his pants as he palmed himself.

"Let's start again," he finally said. You heard the buckle of his pants come undone, and for the life of you, you wished the sound of it hadn't turned you on. You felt disgusting. You whined, twisting your hips as you continued to arch and writhe in place.

You cried out, arching with nowhere to go. Your arms pulled against the chains that held you in place and you writhed in your seat on the table. The pain started to mix into a complicated sensation, causing you to pant out harshly, the ball gag impeding your ability to really do much else.

He stood over you, watching.

"Do you have any idea how arousing it is to watch you fight against it?" his voice was thick with desire, and it made your stomach clench. You locked eyes with his, unable to stop your body from trembling at the sight of him. You could only watch as he disrobed, exposing his muscular body to you.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment,” he exhaled slowly, swooning. You shook your head, unable to speak through the gag. He crawled forward, hands running along the top of your thighs.

"Give in," he spoke low, his left hand ghosting over the trauma he inflicted on your thigh. You couldn’t help but react to his touch. He let his hands trail higher, touching everywhere but your now fully erect cock. A bead of precum dripped from the tip of your penis, which strained against your abdomen painfully.

He leaned forward and lapped it up with his tongue, his eye contact intense as he pressed his tongue flat against the tip, and you saw stars. You moaned loudly, every fiber of your being lighting up. He didn't give you much relief, however, moving instead to lick across your stomach, all the way up to your chest where he teased your nipples. A sharp pain shot through you, and you whined into your gag, moving your hips in tiny little circles.

You shook, rutting your hips frantically as he bit into your nipple once again, causing your hips to jerk forward. You desperately wanted more, the danger of the situation currently being outweighed by your near violent arousal.

He traced his fingers along your thigh once more, but stopped. You whined into the gag, desperate for him to continue.

"You poor thing, do you want to touch yourself?" he asked, his eyes flickering over you.

Your eyes trailed to the chains that held your wrists in place and you looked back to him cautiously at first but soon you found yourself nodding enthusiastically, offering eager, yet muffled begs behind your ball gag for him to release your arms.

He didn't move to release you, instead moving one of his hands to your chest, pushing on your shoulders as he moved you up the table, angling your body to an almost perfect position.

"Mmph!" you cried out.

Your arms were placed in a rather precarious position, straining against your shoulders as the binds forced your hands forward. He had pulled your lower half down so you were no longer sitting upright, but rather, leaned against the top half of the table. Your legs were pushed to the sides, causing your mangled feet to dangle off either edge of the table.

“Perhaps another time… I’d love to watch you pleasure yourself to the thought of me,” he chuckled, positioning your body to suit his needs. You were stretched out, open, ready for him to do whatever he wanted with you.

He trailed his hand up your chest to press into your neck, holding down for a few pauses before letting go, watching you struggle for breath. Laughing quietly to himself, he yanked the chain around your neck, tightening the hold he had on you.

Groaning, you gasp for breath as he releases his hold on your neck only to let out a startled, yet muffled shout when he yanked the chain, pulling you off the table by roughly an inch before dropping you back onto it. Due to your constant attempts at communication, you can feel the saliva collecting in your mouth, noticing it had already started to drool down your chin.

Adrian released the chain and you coughed and sputtered, trying to catch your breath.

"Mphmm," you try to reason with him, steadying your quickened breaths. The man reaches over to the cart next to his toolbox, and picks up a bottle off the cart. You watch as he squirts the thick, gooey substance out onto his fingers. "I like it to feel good for me too," he states matter-of-factly. "Blood doesn't make the best lubricant." His words were cryptic, as though he had a lot of experience in that field.

Pulling your legs away, he nestles in front of you, spreading them slightly as he kneels down. You keen loudly, rutting your hips against the air, digging your back against the table. He pressed a hand against your hip, pressing you back down. "Don’t worry; I'm going to give you something that's going to make you feel really good."

And with that, he presses the first lubed finger against your puckered hole. The lubricant is cold, but it feels nice against your feverish skin. You moan out, long and drawn out as he dips the finger in to the knuckle, slowly fingering it inside of you.

He's stretching you, and in this moment you had never felt anything so intense. The aphrodisiac and adrenaline coursing through your body left you a whimpering jittery mess.

He adds a second finger, scissoring them to allow for easier access as he stretches you open.

You can't help but rut against his fingers, and it seems to please him greatly. "You're being such a good little pet right now, that's right. Fuck yourself on my fingers," he encourages you, watching as you hopelessly try to get off on his fingers, twisting and stretching inside you. He lifted his hand off of your hip, allowing you to have more movement.

You raise your hips as he continues to scissor his fingers, having just added a third to the mix, trying to get as much pleasure out of the feeling as you can.

You mewl a high pitched whine as he curves his fingers, striking that spot inside of you that makes you see stars. You practically thrash against his hand, trying to replicate the sensation erratically.

"Yes, that's it," he whispers, "I'm going to make you feel so good. You want that don't you? You want me to make you come hard and fast, don't you?" his words picked up with excitement, and he laughed manically, watching you chase your pleasure on his fingers.

"MMPH!" you cry out with fervor, rocking back and forth against his digits, your legs still dangling over the edge of the table. Your arms strained aggressively against the chains but you didn't care. You couldn't care. You couldn't think about anything else other than the pleasure that was building in your core. That is, until he withdrew his hand.

The sudden absence of it makes you moan in opposition, broken into sudden sobs at the sudden feeling of abrupt emptiness.

"Shh, shh, it's ok. I'll fill you up, don't you worry," he consoles you with his deep, low voice. You lull your head to the side, another shiver trailing its way to the base of your spine as he licks his lips slowly, lining himself up against your opening.

He pushes himself forward, sliding into you in one hard thrust. He's so... big. So much bigger than any other person you've fit inside yourself.

The loudest moan yet erupted from your throat, and you drooled down the sides and holes of your gag. You were thankful he took the time to stretch you out, knowing that he would have split you open if he tried to thrust in like that unprepared. You found yourself weeping, overwhelmed with emotion as he pulled back and began thrusting in earnest.

"Ah... fuck, yes..." he pants, and with one hand he roughly grabs your hair, holding you in place as he thrusts into you.

The dull pain from the rough grip he had on your hair only fueled the fire in your gut. The pain medicine had dissipated almost entirely, but you were in such a high state of arousal that you didn't mind. The only thing you cared about was chasing your release, your body felt like you were treading through fire and water at the same time. Your cock ached against your belly; pushed up against you at the angle Adrian was fucking you into the table.

His thrusts became faster. More erratic. You could make out the grunts of effort as he needed to put all his strength into each thrust. He growls, long and low.

Your eyes crossed at the sound of his growl. It was so primal, and awakened a very submissive urge in you. You mewled and arched your back, slightly, still being held in place by the hand on your hair. You just wanted to increase the friction on your weeping, neglected cock.

You made a pitiful noise in the back of your throat as you breathed heavily. He growled again, “Come for me, you can do it. Come on nothing but my cock, I can see it written all over your face.” He picked up his pace, ramming into you with ruthless abandon.

“You’re my filthy little cumslut aren’t you? Aah, that’s right, come on my cock for me,” he continued to encourage you with dirty talk. You arched off the table, straining firmly against the chains around your wrists. He gripped at your hips, digging his nails firmly into your skin as he angled his thrusts against your prostate, earning a loud howl from you. With each thrust he hit that sweet spot and you felt the build of your orgasm pool deep within you. It wasn't long before you were sobbing again, your orgasm sweeping over you with white hot emotion.

Your body shook as he continued to grip you tightly. You felt the warm splash of your cum hit your stomach, painting you in your own seed. He growled, his eyes completely clouding over at the sight, and with one last, powerful thrust he came into you.

Tears stained your face, your hair was tousled from his rough grip, you were an absolute trainwreck but you were beyond feeling self-conscious about it. You felt his seed empty inside of you, filling you with a warm sensation. You moaned quietly, rolling your hips against his cock as he held the base of his shaft, milking every last drop of his cum inside your hole.

The pair of you panted, both of you staring at each other as you came down from your high.

You had nearly lost your voice; it came out as a hoarse, broken sound as you tried to say something against the ball gag in your mouth. You were covered in your own saliva, cum, tears, and blood. Adrian looked at you reverently, clearly admiring the state he had put you in.

He slowly pulled out of you, a soft groan escaping your lips. You panted, feeling a sense of exhilaration as his cum gushed out. It was still warm as it tickled down your skin, an altogether pleasant sensation.

"You like that? Hm?”

You shivered weakly, slumping against the table the best you could with the binds still holding your arms forward. It had taken a lot out of you.

"You’re so perfect…" he whispered quietly to himself, reaching toward you to release the ball gag, and a flood of air rushed into your mouth. You coughed, hacking up a wad of saliva and blood, but felt so much better for it.

You flushed, embarrassed that you had made a mess. Worried it might set him off again. You watched for any sign of contempt but didn't notice any outright.

He wiped his hand down your face and neck, gently cleaning you off, before releasing you from the chains holding you in place. You fell to the ground with a thud, a weak cry murmuring in your throat as your face pressed against the cool concrete.

You groan on the floor, attempting to use your raspy voice, "Please..help..." you manage to whisper out, reaching for the man.

He smiles, a bright, toothy grin that makes you shiver, "I'm sorry about that. Wasn't watching where I was pulling, won't you forgive me?" he asks in an almost playful tone, leaning down to pick you up. He glanced at the mess on the table and seemed to mull something over, but he decided to set you back down on the dirtied table at least temporarily.

You struggle to stay upright, your body suddenly very exhausted, either from the intensity of your previous session or from the adrenaline that had been injected into your body previously. Your limbs felt like lead and your body was crying out in pain. The pins in your thigh had pressed in further when you fell and your leg was oozing blood.

He stepped back, a cruel grin spreading across his face, "Please forgive me," he said again.

You give him a pathetic look, all the fight having been sapped out of your maimed body. "Ok..." you say quietly, rubbing at your thigh to try to ease some of the pain.

You chew on your lower lip, an anxious habit, as you worked up the courage to ask him to do something for you. "Could...could you please take out these pins, sir?" your voice was raw, but audible.

He tilted his head, "The ones in your leg?" he asked in mock surprise.

"Yes...my leg...I..."

He grasped your thigh in his hand, tightening his grip as he played with one of the pins, wiggling it back and forth with his eyes fixated on your reaction. You let out a small moan, your body still sending mixed signals from your previous arousal. His eyes flicked up to meet with yours and he raised an eyebrow, "This one?" he asked, feigning ignorance.

"Please..." you whimpered.

"Well, I suppose I could get that closed up for you. Wouldn't want you to bleed out on me now would I?" he flashed another grin, and walked over to the counter, fetching what appeared to be a first aid kit before returning to his previous position.

He opened it and bent down to you, "We're going to have to do this the old fashioned way then. Hold still."

You opened your mouth to question him but were immediately cut off with a yelp as he began to pry the needles out of your leg. He counted them, and then counted them again just to be sure before taking out a small bottle of antiseptic and pouring it directly onto the wound. You let out a piercing scream, nearly losing the rest of your voice in the process.

His hands were warm as they pressed on your leg, trying to clean the wound as effectively as he could. "It'll be fine, I promise," he whispered in your ear as he cleaned the wounds, "Just relax."

He hummed to himself as he pulled out a suture kit. Pouring some of the antiseptic out onto his hands, he rubs them together before gathering his tools. He threaded the hook carefully, pulling an edge of the wound and angling the hooked needle at a 90 degree angle before piercing the skin deeply, careful not to pull up as he threaded it through to the other side, tying the edges together to hold the middle of your wound closed. You whimpered quietly as he worked, not able to look down as the needle and medical thread were threaded through your flesh.

There was a slight pain as the stitches were tied off, and you snuck a quick peak, only to look down to see blood dripping down your shin, staining your knee down to your ankle red. Another whimper escaped your lips and you buried your face in your hands, rubbing your face gently as you tried to distract yourself from the stitches the man was giving you.

"Thank you," you said quietly, not moving the hands from in front of your eyes. You could not watch it any longer.

"You're most welcome," though you couldn't see it, his smile deepened into a something more genuine as he continued his work.

When it seemed he was finished with the sutures on your leg, you cracked a finger open to look down, amazed that the stitches looked so...professional.

You looked up at him again, and found him staring intently down at his work. He looked back up at you, a little surprise on his face as he saw your hands had finally moved from covering up your pretty face.

He trailed his hands down your calves, lifting your legs up to examine the trauma he had inflicted to the bottoms of your feet earlier. "Hmmm, looks like you won't be running off any time soon. How about I run us a nice hot bath and we can wrap these up, hm?" He released your leg, letting it dangle back off the side of the table before standing up. You nodded nervously, watching him as he moved through the dimly lit room to the corner of the room.

You could hear clanking noises as he seemed to be putting things into a sink. Your suspicions were confirmed when you heard the tap water running, the sound was almost soothing in how normal it was. Once satisfied, he returned to scoop you up in his arms, leading you toward the stairs that led to the main part of his house. You held on tightly, afraid he might drop you at any minute.

He sat you on a metal rack in the bathroom, as hot water trickled down from a faucet into a bathtub.

You watched intently as he added soap and some sort of scented pebbles into the water, intrigued when they dissolved into the hot water. While the water ran, he made sure to get some towels and gauze ready, laying out a fresh bathmat next to the tub before finally shutting the water back off.

"Let's get you into that bath now, my little flower," he crooned.

He eased you into the bathwater, climbing in right behind you, letting you lay against his chest as he bathed every inch of you. He tickled the backs of your ears, relishing when you tried to move away from his touch.

He obviously wasn't annoyed at you for this outburst though, and instead decided to startle you by biting your shoulder.

"OW!" you yelled, jumping in the water.

It sloshed around you, the water having turned a light pink shade from the blood. You heard a chuckle behind you before you felt his flattened tongue pressed against his little bite, soothing over the wound. You found yourself leaning into him once again.

"Do you like being scared? That's how you get my attention, little one. You need to work harder next time." His words held a cryptic tone once again. You couldn’t figure him out. His personality seemed all over the place and it left you on edge.

"Why me?" you ask, shifting a little as he reaches down, 'cleaning' you out by pressing his fingers back into your hole to coax out the rest of his cum. You let out a sling of delightful noises as he wriggled his finger in and out of your sensitive entrance.

He bit your shoulder once again, harder this time, and you yelped. He slowed his ministrations down to little nibbles, and by the time he was finished you had calmed down again.

"Mmm, as much as I would love to go a second round, I think we need to get you cleaned up," he sighed, opening the drain to the tub, startling you with the loud noise as the water flowed down the drain, he stood up, turning the water to the shower head on, detaching it so that he could finish washing the two of you.

Once you were both clean, he dried you off first, rubbing baby oil into your skin and scalp until your hair was slicked back.

It was strange, that he was almost...pampering you after what he did to you down in his basement. It made your stomach do a little flip as he treated you so gently. He took the time to wrap your feet in gauze, only occasionally squeezing a little too tight just to see your face twist in pain.

Once your preparations were done, he picked you up from the table and set you on your feet again.

You winced, immediately leaning forward to fall into his arms. You couldn't bear the weight on your feet, even with them wrapped in bandages. The pain was simply too intense. There was no way you were going to able to run like this. He smirked, leaving you to flounder for a few more moments before scooping you up into his arms.

You settled into his rhythm, as he walked from the kitchen and down the stairs, holding you tightly as you buried your head into his shoulder.

You were led to a bedroom, where he laid you out onto a lavish bed, all the while never averting his gaze from you. He watched as your eyes fluttered, feeling the comfortable bed behind you as you sank against the cushion. "Comfortable?" he asked.

"Mm," you answered, the exhaustion weighing down on you.  He leans forward, placing a kiss against your temple, playing with your slicked back hair.

"Get some rest. I have a few...tasks for you in the morning, once you've had time to rest. But right now, it's time to sleep."

You would worry about what the future held in the morning, for now, sleep was encompassing you in a welcoming darkness. You could hardly hear the next few sentences out of his mouth, his voice fading in and out, "...and if you try to crawl away I'll just break your kneecaps." He stroked the side of your face tenderly, watching as you finally fell asleep. "Sweet dreams."

[x0401x]

Animate Times Interview with Centimillimental

Discussing his journey so far and his love for this series, saying that he “felt something like fate” upon coming across “Given”! Interviewing Centimillimental, who did the theme songs and sound production of the summer anime “Given”.

The artist Centimillimental composed the opening of the TV anime “Given”, which aired in Fuji TV’s Noitamina and gathered a great amount of attention. Garnering comments about the sound production of the show’s band, Given, he released the opening theme “Kizuato” as a single on September 11!!

This is the debuting work of the solo unit Centimillimental, in which Atsushi-san does the vocals, keyboard, guitar and programming. In this article, which is surprisingly his first-ever interview, we shall introduce plenty of his journey until reaching this point and his thoughts regarding “Given”!

His current style was earned through “wanting to express joy and sorrow with music” as much as possible.

——Thank you for your time today!

This is actually my first time being interviewed (laughs). I will be in your care.

——Your first interview?! Please let us ask all kinds of questions. Firstly, could you tell us about the origins of Centimillimental?

Although it has the name Centimillimental, this is a solo unit. Rather than a singer and songwriter, I am more of a solo artist with a band stance. But it was originally a band. The band name remained just the way it was... that is all.

——What sort of band was it?

A four-piece one, with myself in charge of the vocals and keyboard. The band had a style close to pop, with a lead guitar, bass and drums, but the members pulled out one after another... Ultimately, I was the only one left. For that reason, people from the live concert houses were quite uneasy. Like, “Does the vocalist have a nasty personality or something?” (laughs).

——(Laughs) That is so not true.

Each one quit for their own reasons. But I had an obsession with the band, so I was like, “I’ll do this even if it’s just out of stubbornness” (laughs). And so, the band name stayed.

——Atsushi-san, what are the roots of your admiration for bands?

My root is Remioromen. I actually used to play classic music. I was so much of a classics boy that I would... turn off the TV whenever a music program was starting, but when (an insert song) “Konayuki” started playing in the drama “1 Liter no Namida”, which I watched back in fifth grade, it had an impact on me. Like, “So a singing voice can be this cool when it accompanies a melody”. From then on, I began looking up to bands.

——How did you handle classics from that point onward?

I continued playing for a long time, until I was around 20 years old. But then I was charmed by pop music and could no longer dedicate myself to classics (strainer laugh). I used to dream of becoming a pianist, but I felt that the mindsets of classics and pop were different, and then chose the way of pop.

——When you think about it now, what do you believe to have been the reason that a classics boy had his heart stolen by pop?

I had the feeling... that something more essential for my inspiration was set on fire, so to say. I think this something also exists for people who like classic, but in my case, I personally felt joy at the fact that “their singing voice is cool”, “their words pierce me”. So I was like, “This is what I actually prefer”. Also, I was drawn to the freedom of pop. The world of classics is devoted to music sheets, so in concourses, for example, it is important whether or not you can play true to the sheets, but I end up playing the way I want to on my own accord. Which is why the judges’ votes became worse year after year (bitter laugh). During this, there were also people who told me, “This is an insult”... But if I were in a world of originals where I could give birth to my own songs, wouldn’t my beliefs be justice? So I started to think that I was “the kind of person who wants to express himself freely”. To begin with, I have liked creating things since the distant past. I used to write stories of my own and making picture books with them in preschool, and from first grade on, I would be writing song compositions and poems. At any rate, I like creating things, so wouldn’t making them freely suit me better?

——So, if it is on the topic of “wanting to create things freely”, the way you are now is best, in a sense?

That is right (laughs). My degree of freedom has increased ever since I went solo. One of the reasons the band did not work was that my ideals and the image of my unshakable, inertial nature were very strong. I believe that so-called bands are supposed to get together in a studio and consolidate and gather up arrangements, but right as we formed ours, I would take the stance of writing down everyone’s parts and saying, “I want you to play this”. So I think that the current Centimillimental is what turned out from me doing everything I could, the place that I was supposed to reach.

——Nowadays, you are in charge of all parts, right? Did you play instruments other than piano from the start?

That is not the case. When our guitarist left the band, I did not want the quality of our music to be reduced, so I thought about supplementing it somehow, then learned how to play guitar. Also, I had to put my heart into it, but I started studying bass and drums when the others left, wondering if I could cover for them. The fact that the members pulled out had an influence on it.

——How was it coming in contact with instruments besides the piano?

The structures are completely different. Bands are formed so that each person can compensate for the other. When it comes to the beauty of such arrangements, I came to feel them more keenly the more I delved into them. And then I started obsessing with the arrangements.

——After these twists and turns, did Centimillimental become in 2015 what it is now?

No, there were actually twists and turns from this point on too... There was once a time when the band became just the bassist and me. Back then, the band was not doing too well, so we decided to do a different unit. That was the band called “Nee, Wasurenaide Ne” (“Hey, Don’t Forget”). In the end, I mostly had to do it by myself, but doing things separately from the main activities gave me a high degree of freedom. And then people started finding us interesting and we gradually earned their praise. For me, that was extremely frustrating (laughs

——So it became a “sub”-like band.

That is right. And then I thought about quitting, so I applied for an audience as a commemoration for quitting, to make one last memory... but then the work I had applied won a Grand Prix. I was like, “No way!?”. This happened in summer 2015. And that was when the main and sub switched (laughs). And so, only the band’s original name remained. The label respects us in the sense that we “can make the music that we always wanted to”.

——What is the origin of the band name “Centimillimental”?

“Remioromen” is a coined word, so I looked up to a coined word in katakana. I personally like katakana. Plus, I like “sentimental” things. That sentimental feeling when you are going home after a fun day thinking, “Today was a good day” and it suddenly makes you feel lonely, or that sentimental mood from when you are purely sad... I believe that sentimental emotions regarding anything are something that we should nestle close to. I had this thinking that I want to express joy and sorrow with music, so while using “sentimental” as the pillar, I added the “milli” with the meaning of “not being too caught up with it”.

——Come to think of it, both “Given” and “Kizuato” are written in katakana.

I guess I have a connection with katakana (laughs). If the words are in kanji or in hiragana, doesn’t that change the appearance and interpretation of each? While katakana has a coldness to it, it doesn’t feel too sharp. I have the feeling that these kinds of words are interesting.

“Gender doesn’t matter when you’re in love with someone.” – He also has experience with composing music having a BL series as the impetus?!

——How did you feel when you received the proposal about “Given”?

It was the first tie-up of my life, so I turned into a mess of nervousness, uncertainty and expectations. But “Given” is a series about music and the theme is bands, which was something I looked up to. Moreover, rather than just the sparkle and shine of a band, it also focuses on sadness, the tremor from losing something... these delicate parts of it.

I think music has a close relationship with meetings and partings, so I felt happiness to be involved with a series that faces this directly. It was like something that was supposed to come at me had arrived, and at the same time, I felt something similar to destiny. That was my first impression.

——The sensible portrayal is one of the charms of this series, right? I read on the topic that this series was the first-ever BL comic that Noitamina has adapted into anime, and there is an indescribable appeal in the words “boys’ love”...

It allows you to smoothly immerse yourself into their worldview, right?

I have bought a BL manga in the past. In my middle school days, buying a book after looking at just the title was trending. At the time, what I took in my hands was a short story collection titled “Saigo no Sangatsu”. I thought at first, “I might’ve jumped into a terrible world!” but turns out it was a really good work...

Gender doesn’t matter when you love someone; it’s all the same. It was a really good work, so I was quick to wrote a song for it (laughs).

——That is a good story. By the way, did you use to watch anime back then?

I was not the type to watch anime in-depth. But what I thought to be odd was that, whenever you finish watching a series, doesn’t the way that you listen to the opening themes, ending themes and insert songs change?

Through the filter that is the series, the tone of the music changes, and the story stands out instead as the music overlaps with it... While watching, I would find myself thinking that this way of snuggling up to the music was interesting.

——What were your impressions when you read the original work of “Given”?

Kizu Natsuki-sensei’s focused viewpoint on pain is quite sharp. Her poetic depictions, which sometimes get you caught in them, are impactful and sensible. I thought it was a series that cherished words a lot. Since it is a manga, I think the art is the main point, of course, but I felt a literary beauty in it that resides not just in the drawings. It also felt close to the world of songs that I take part in, so I truly had the feeling that it was fate.

——So the image of the song came readily to you?

Right you are. That is where I arrived once I wrote down my own perspective of romantic love and the ways that people become involved with each other. The sense of suitability was incredible. That’s why I was able to write it so frankly, managed to say what I wanted to, and got close to the series. I feel that the compatibility was really good.

But of course, there were walls. I write even the arrangements by myself, so I had to make changes over and over, and I had never had any experiences with being the producer of a band before, so there were things I was not used to. Also, my main instrument is the piano, but there is no piano in the show. That’s why I had to delve into the guitar, so there I had a hard time sound-wise...

“I want it to be an important song for everyone from ‘Given’ too!”

——Can you tell us about your particularities regarding the sound of “Kizuato”?

For the anime size version, I purposely sealed away the piano and classic strings that I had been specializing in until now. For the whole song, in order to nestle closer to “Given”, I cherished the band’s scene, with a guitar, bass and drums.

——I felt a big meaning in the fact that it starts with a breath. Is it something that you gave importance to?

I like the sharpness of songs that start with the singing. That feeling of getting taken aback without thinking. Same goes for sighing - I feel that people’s emotions mount on their breathing. Through “the drawing of a breath”, you can sense a beauty and strength unique of vocal songs. For that reason, I cherished the breaths from the very start.

I also think that the breaths are very important in “Given”. For example, in the teaser trailer, the video ends with a breath, and in the PV, the scenes change with breaths too. That’s why I think it was good to be able to start the song like this.

——I felt that the lyrics portrayed the sensible feelings of all four, starting with Mafuyu, but how was it made?

They are human beings, so I think there is definitely a part of their emotions somewhere that they can share. The loneliness and agony of losing something, the conflicts of loving someone... anyone has that. I looked for keywords that would connect everyone from “Given”, including me. For me and for all the characters that appear in “Given”, it could not be a lie...

——The “four seasons” bit in the lyrics was also a good keyword.

I think that is one of the main points of the series, and that this part of it can connect even within me.

——The words “I can hear it and it’s still real, so I’ll carry your heart in your place” from the latter half are extremely painful, but at the same time, it conveys resolve and determination. Were you conscious of the machinations of their hearts or something like that within the song?

I think it is wonderful when emotions get into motion as the song goes on. Aren’t there moments in everyday life where wounds heal little by little and changes of heart where we try to get back on our feet even if they do not heal? I like story-songs that head towards hope in this fashion. I also want everyone in “Given” to be happy. I gave importance to how they should head towards hope while sharing those wounds.

——The song changes dramatically after the aforementioned verse.

I finished it with a classic orchestra sound. That is one of the strong points of my music, so I had the desire to approach “Given” through it. If I sealed away my music too much and made it into just a “Given” song, it would feel like I was standing on formality. I am a person who gets hurt and even so lives on crying and laughing, just like them. I pieced together that part of the song because I wanted to convey this message.

——So you let your uniqueness show in order to join hands with “Given”. Indeed, both with love and friendship, getting close to the other person is not all there is to it.

Right. That alone is not a connection, and you end up concluding that your own love is too deep... I believe there is a 50:50 beauty to it. Isn’t that what acknowledging one another and joining hands means?

“Kizuato” is my debut song and an important song for me. That’s why I also want it to be an important song for everyone from Given (the band). I thought about intersecting that. After thinking a lot, I managed to change the charm between the anime size and the full size.

At the beginning of the A-melody from the second chorus, I tried changing the rhythm, transforming it into an electro loop, and did all sorts of approaches. I hoped it would be wide-ranging as music.

——How did you feel when you watched the opening?

I was extremely moved. I had gathered with all the recording members to watch it, and everyone shared their joy too. It was a really good scene.

Having my own music playing in sync with an animation was my dream, so I was tremendously happy, and I felt like I had connected with the viewers who had the same feeling... I was truly overjoyed.

When I looked on Twitter, people had written up several opinions, making me go, “So there’s this many people enjoying my music”.

“It’s exactly because the desire to protect someone isn’t something simple that we feel uncertain.”

——Other than the OP, you also did the sound production of the band Given, so what impressions did you have from the production work?

I already liked production work to begin with. Until then, I had been doing producer-like things, such as arrangements for the musical compositions of artists around me, but this was my first time doing production as a job.

I mentioned Remioromen earlier, but I also looked up to Kobayashi Takeshi-san, who was Remioromen’s producer as well, so I had also wanted to work on production one day.

——Given’s debut single, “Maru Tsuke/Fuyu no Hanashi”, was released on September 18 2019. “Maru Tsuke” is also included in Centimillimeter’s single as a self-cover, but what kind of route did you take to complete this song?

To tell the truth, I had a song called “Maru Tsuke” for quite a long time. I already had its base form since 2015, so the song was in a state similar to an accompaniment material.

“Maru Tsuke” came into light during the meetings, and I didn’t think this song would have made it into the topic of discussions, so I was surprised. I was anxious at first, but when I tried facing it once again, there were so many fitting aspects to it that it even made me say, “So it can get this close to the series”. I felt like it connected with “Given��� on a deep level, despite not having written that song for it.

——Holding someone dear, becoming a coward because of it, shouldering all sorts of feelings, and continuing to live in spite of that... What you talk about in “Maru Tsuke” might be things that everyone thinks.

The moment you start loving someone, you feel fear at the same time and become fragile. It’s exactly because the desire to protect someone isn’t something simple that we feel uncertain, and there is not only light to it, but I think loving someone is something beautiful. I get the sense that this swirling feeling itself is beautiful. That is what I threw into the song, and it was also one of the themes of “Given”. The fact that I managed to connect them goes without saying, but it’s like being told that I wasn’t mistaken about the things I gave importance to, which made me happy. In order to connect even better, I reconstructed the sound making and structure one more time, aiming for higher heights as a composition for “Given”.

——What were you conscious of for the direction?

Yano Shougo-san (the voice of Mafuyu) is a workaholic, so he sings all sorts of songs, but I thought there was a difference between songs sung by band vocalists and songs sung by voice actors. So I figured that it would be good if I could share with him the methods of band vocalists and band sounds in my own way, thus I have him that kind of direction.

I was also very conscious of “conveying words”. I believe that the author, Kizu Natsuki-sensei (who is also a producer of Given), also cherished words a lot. I think this also reflects on the songs.

——Was there anything you felt when you actually conducted the production?

First of all, I was extremely happy that a song I made was sung. It was expressed in a way that I myself couldn’t do, and even if the emotions are the same, the way people view it changes depending on who’s singing. Seeing it hand-in-hand with the series, spreading up just like that and growing bigger made me happy.

——The other song, “Fuyu no Hanashi”, played during the show in episode nine.

From the very beginning, there was already a song titled “Fuyu no Hanashi” in the drama CD, but this song began from me creating a new “Fuyu no Hanashi”. “Fuyu no Hanashi” already existed for the fans, so I saw plenty of everyone’s love for it on Twitter and such, and also how it comes close to their daily lives. I dreaded painting over it, but... I believed it was fate that I had received this proposal, so I thought, “I’m going to do all I can”. While there was pressure, there was also joy, so it was a strange feeling.

To tell the truth, when I received the proposal for “Given”, the offer for “Fuyu no Hanashi” came first-thing. That’s why I actually started the production from there. Afterward, I received proposals for the session track that plays in the middle of the show and for the theme songs... That is how it went.

——Was that so?! The seed, the piece that would give you most pressure came first, so to say.

That’s right. But for me, this was a comfortable wall. I worked on it while thinking that, if I could make many people happy with it, then it would be a big step for me.

——What kind of feelings did you put into it?

I figured it would probably be used for the live concert scene in the middle of the show, so I read the scene and imagined the concert over and over. In the drama CD, it could only be portrayed with sounds and voices, so I think they probably gave importance to how they would insert the monologues into the lyrics. In the anime’s case, there would be an animation accompanying the song, so I reflected on what the “Fuyu no Hanashi” that I could compose was. Like a shout for a person who has been lost... It’s a requiem, but also a follow-up of one’s true intentions... I wanted to treasure those messed-up feelings. Also, I thought it was a song that had been preciously loved until then, so I had a strong sense of duty not to ruin this.

Being involved with “Given” changed his life!!

——Could you also tell us about the track “Sessions” (The Seasons) that plays during the show?

I received the proposal for this one after “Fuyu no Hanashi”. “There’s a scene in the show that goes like this, so if you’d like, couldn’t you make a track for it,” they asked.

I had never made an actual instrumental band track. Counting the fact that three pieces had already been decided for the story, it was quite a pressure on me.

When I actually watched the scene where they are performing it in the anime, my spirits went right up. Like, “So this is how the band will go”. The sensation that oozed from my hands and spread into me felt truly good.

——Lastly, Atsushi-san, could you tell us... about the things you have realized and earned through the music production of “Given”?

It’s a series that has several places where everyone can join hands. I think that is exactly why so many fans love this work.

Being involved with “Given” has changed my notions of life, and I feel that it was a huge feat, if only for my musical life. I am filled to the brim with happy feelings for being part of it.

——Thank you very much for telling us so many things today.

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Hey!! 👋🏽😄 I know you said in your last rant about SK8 and Reki and Renga that you were one of those people that always looks up and learns from others, but after your last Langa edit, I just wanted to remind you how immensely talented you are. I might have not seen your first attempts at editing, but I know how it looks like when you're barely starting something, and I'm sure everyone is proud of the progress you've made and many people looks up to you as the level of skill they want to achieve. You're doing amazing! 💖💖💖

Hi, my love!!!!!! ASDFSDFGHG that’s soooo sweet, thank you so much for saying this, it really means the world to me <3 Oh, haha I’ve deleted most of my old videos so it wouldn’t hurt anyone’s eyes lmao T_T I’m still a bit nervous each time I’m uploading my vids to the day to be honest, even with so many subs rn, but at first I really didn’t have any supporters at all and my god I sucked at this, but I guess the love for my fav ships was stronger apparently haha. So I always get silly happy at each nice comment and feedback, so thank you seriously. 

I really love love love vidding, Idk why but when smth comes out the way I wanted it’s a super addictive feeling for some reason, but many times I just looked at the final result and just threw it in the trash and started over and my god how many times SonyVegas crushed and didn’t autosave the project. I’m like Suga now, I’m pressing the save button each 2 minutes, cause don’t want to lose anything xD Being someone’s inspiration is truly an honor to me, I’ve got some messages that hit me too hard. Still feels weird bc I’m like “but do you know that I can’t even use photoshop tho, how do u like me now then?” lol.

I’m always drawn to talented characters, bc they amaze me, esp the humble ones. Like those who hate Haru or Lanaga just buffle me honestly. I understand that they’re pretty and talented and everything, but they’re also the sweetest and loveliest human beings, so like...??? And I adore those who don’t whine and get what they want. I just can’t help it. I’m a strong believer in the fact that "you can do anything if you put your mind to it”. So far it worked in real life so suck it lol.

People are also saying like Langa doesn’t deserve to win this and Haru doesn’t deserve to be in Olympics, like Langa didn’t snowboard since he was 2 and Haru wasn’t swimming every day since he was born. I’m like.. and you need to check in the mirror if your face is a shade of green. BTW I’ve also been in a professional sports for quite a long time since I was a little kid, ballroom dancing and adored it back then, and I did not get jealous at ppl who were talented than me, I was watching the tapes actually with a popcorn. And oh god those large competition events when you sit there for days and give it all, but then you’re like 296 out of 1000. Why was I proud instead of being sad? Idk xD It was fun.

So thanks for liking the vid, cause I even regretted uploading it a bit yesterday. Sadly everyone already knows that we lost this fandom to the middle schoolers being extra, so they do not care for anything each episode except for this ship, so that’s what I got for posting a just Langa vid:

And etc. and that just made me sad, cause I do not like such fandoms, like it’s not even related to the video, that I’ve been making... with love.  Also thanks for the "sama” title, I’m flattered, but editor only wants to vid matchablossom for now, so like there’s no need for any warnings. I’ve been in such horrendoes fandoms, that I’m immune to this. I also in fact didn’t know some keep ruining Langa’s page and saying that he steals Reki’s screen time... cause he’s aparently the only main character...? ...lmao? I didn’t even know Langa can be hated tbh. I wasn’t really ready for all the drama that followed me making a vid about him.

I’ve already deleted some comments, cause I’m like what this even has to do with the vid about Langa? No, I am not obliged to make a vid about Reki, too. What if I post a matchablossom vid, everyone will only start commenting “do renga”, cause fuck your efforts? I’m like... I hate such fanbases, seriously. I do not even know where this is going, but their fans are already pissing me off. I’m still trying hard for this to not affect my point of view about the ship, cause it’d be kinda unfair to them, but its getting harder each week istg.

And I maybe can’t take requests, but I love when some try to get me addicted on their ship with passion and great arguments. It happened to me with some nice ppl. But def not with agression and stupidity haha.

Cause apparently its one of the fandoms where you can’t NOT care for the main ship, even if you accept it for the only possible Langa ship (cause he doesn’t give a shit for anyone else, so like what’s the point), but it doesn’t do anything for you. I’m like... thanks for threatening. This will make me on board ASAP. Like it’s not the epitomy of love to me... I’m sorry? LMAO 

Some anon even sent me a “you’re dense” (literally thats it) ask after that Reki ask. I was tempted to write smth like “oh I’m sorry, this is the most epic love story of my life and his character is the most complex in the world and he’s the best friend and the most inspiring human being that ever hit my screen. can I become undense now? xD”. But you know I do not know if they’d realise the sarcasm and my pride sadly never allowed me to sell my life values for a bunch of 12 years olds to love me lol

My sister always laughs and jokingly says “but you’d probably get much more subs if you made a vid about this or that, but at what price that would be lmao”. Cause yeah, I never could make myself vid smth I do not like, cause I love vidding and do not want it to be associated with things I do not like, plus it’ll most likely turn out ugly, if I do not care. My mom says that she can feel love I put in my shipping vids that’s why she loves them. I really don’t think she’s wrong. But that also kinda makes me an idiot technically, cause I’m not into many of the popular ships, and some popular animes I just find really basic. 

Also I’m like 100% sure it ain’t happening, but even if they miraculously suck each other’s dicks while sitting on a skate board, I can still have the rights not to care at the end. Like did I sign some form where I’m obliged to love each and everyone canon gay ship even if it’s not what I like? Like gay is not the type of love in relationships. You can only care about his ass like Lan Zhan for example or you can only care about your ass. Like that’s different types of relationships, and whatever you like you like. So get all the way of people’s backs, please.

Also do ppl know that you do not need to be blind to the bad sides of the characters in your ships? Or you just gonna be like “I suddenly can’t see” for forever.

So really thanks for such wonderful message and liking the video and for the boosts when I need them and not being an ass to me if I’m not being obsessed with smth, when you like it. (like I think we have different ship in bnha, right? but we’re still doing great tho, thanks for being an angel <3)

I still didn’t expect this becoming a Voltron 2.0. situation tho. We in our twenties see everything differently, I guess. I do get extra about “their love is everywhere”, but I do not get extra by anonymously attacking ppl, threatening creators and yelling “queeerbating psychotic blind assholes if these two aint fucking by the end of the season I’m shaving my head and jumping out of the window and shoot the director. you do not ship it HARD? YOU DUMB FUCK. THAT’S THE BEST LOVE STORY IN THE WORLD”. Like damn, take your blinders off and see the world, kid. Firstly, it’s definitely not, secondly, ppl see love differently in general and at each age too.

Ah, also you must kill Adam, cause he’s a pedo apparently. Like he ain’t even a threat to your ship, unless you’re blind, but they’re still at it, like they do not know that this kind of age difference is literally nothing for an anime? And that there are canon ships with a huger age difference left and right, too. It’s like its their first time approaching an anime or smth. Like in anime world character can literally kill 1000 ppl with his bare hands and bathe in their blood and we can still stan them, depends on their story, ok? Also Langa couldn’t care less for his advances, so like separate Adam from your ship pls. Like, fuck off, if someone is interested in his character. Yeah, he’s a weirdo for reasons, but anime kind of weird do not apply to real life. Stop acting like you’re some purist, when later you’re gonna ship smth else and it suddenly will not apply. Also rules do not apply to animes, everyone knows they do not apply. These are not western cartoons, my god. And 24 years old flirting with 16 year old is defiinitely not the weirdest shit anyone has ever seen in the anime. Chinese BL has characters who were 14 and 30 when they met and happily married. Also FICTION is not life. Literally no one cares. If you’re scared for your saint eyes, do not watch animes, you’re gonna have a heart-attack from what you can see there. Also we’ve seen gayer bromances in animes, who are just bromances, so pls do not shoot anyone if it’s not canon.

So basically I was kinda pissed yersterday, cause fuck them for ruining the tag, but after chatting with my hommies and your ask, I’m okay again, I just have to avoid this fandom and stick to a tight community xD. I just got used to my nice fandoms and forgot for a bit about the precautions you need to take if you’re in one of those. You know. Who make a circus out of lgbt, instead of supporting it, and make other ppl hate being in fandoms.

P.S. sorry for this partially unrelated rant, your messages really always make my heart bloom, so thanks for supporting me, and I know you’re proud of my progress, too <3 and this makes me happy. LY

[myfriendsarerealidiots]

Comparing Adaptations

‘Kay so I went on one of my whims again and did something stupid. Couple weeks or so ago, I wasn’t really in the mood to watch anime so I opened up Netflix and watched a Cdrama that I wanted to watch for a while now.

That Cdrama was ‘The Untamed’ which, prior to me watching it and doing said whim, I thought was just your typical historic Cdrama. Oh boy I was wrong. As I was watching it, I was thinking to myself, “This show’s really selling itself off as BL.” Which, I found out after finishing it was because it is BL. Hah...and that was just the start of it.

As I was doing my ‘Post-show research,’ I found out that it was based of a novel, called ‘Mo Dao Zu Shi’or as translated by the people on the internet as ‘Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation.’ Said novel had 2 more adaptations along with ‘The Untamed’ which were a manhua and a donghua. So me being me, I decided to watch the donghua adaptation and read both the og novel and manhua.

So how I went through this was...

The Untamed (2019)

The Donghua aka Anime I guess

The Manhua which I read while having class (such a responsible student aren’t I)

The original novel

All hail this person who has too much free time on her hands.

Anyways, as it says on the tin, I’ll be comparing the 4 adaptations/versions of the story and see what changes between them as well as the pros and cons. (Wow I sound so professional)

Some background of myself just to avoid confusion

I am not a mega hardcore Fujoshi. I don’t really enjoy reading smut, nor am I old enough to do so bear that in mind

I have 7 years worth of Chinese lessons under my belt which means I barely understand a thing and that I can get some of the jokes like how Wei Ying’s sword is called ‘Sui Bien’ and it’s funnier to hear in Chinese. In other words, compared to like actual Chinese people who live in China, I pretty much have the knowledge of a 10 year old.

The versions of the Manhua and Novel that I read were translated in English so somethings might have been lost in translation.

I have a bit of a goldfish brain so forgive me if I wrote something wrong or forgot the name of a certain character, most likely I will look it up to correct it but if I don’t...well sorry.

I am writing my opinions on each version as I finish them, so if they don’t link up to the original that’s the reasoning behind it.

All of these are my opinions and thoughts on the story. You are not entitled to follow them if you disagree. I personally believe that everyone has a voice of their own and they should use it. (Even though I don’t half of the time.)

Slight Spoiler Warning

I will be breaking down some of the scenes and characters for my comparisons so please keep that in mind.

The Untamed (2019)

As this was my first exposure to the story, I didn’t know what to expect. I loved everything about it except for the fact that literally half of the show was spent in the past, building context for what was happening in the present.

The characters were lovable and all had distict personalities, especially Wei Ying and Lan Zhan which I guess makes sense since they’re the main characters (their actors are also cute and have good chemistry.) Speaking of characters, Yanli has a more forward role in the story here compared to the other versions. The way certain characters were introduced was different too. Since it’s live action, it’s also harder to show things like extreme blushing and such so it makes Lan Zhan look very stoic and way more unexpressive here than in the other versions.

The soundtrack is nice to listen to, especially with the 2 mains singing the theme song together it’s so cute and gives it another meaning in itself. Although, I do wonder how that poor bamboo flute Wei Ying made in like 2 mins plays decent sounding music. Chen Qing(is this the name of it?), the flute he uses after his trip to the Burial Grounds has the same sound quality as that bamboo flute which is just, “how???”

They took out most of the extreme BL!!! I feel like that is the biggest difference between this version and all the rest. I know they did that to appeal to more people but it does remove some of the context to things. That doesn’t mean the moments that were kept in weren’t cute though. It did make the pair look more plantonic than romantic.

As for the story itself, as a story on its own, it’s nice, as an adaptation that’s where the line gets blurry but it leans more towards the good side. They did indeed change some things, made them work better with the medium than if they didn’t.

An example I can place is the mask. Where the other versions used white make up with oddly placed red circles around the eyes, this one used a mask instead. I agree with the choice they made, seeing as they removed the fact that Mo Xuanyu was homosexual and so the make up wouldn’t make sense. It also looks nicer than what I imagined what could’ve happened with they kept with the make up. They do make a reference to this in the show when Jin Ling and Wei Ying have a conversation in Carp Tower. “You’ve seen my face right?” “How do I know? Your face is always caked in make up or covered by that mask.”

Another issue I had which I’ll touch on later was the first episode—I had no idea what was going on for those 40 minutes of screentime.

Donghua

As of writing this post, season 3 of this has yet to come out.

My first reaction to this was “Man, the animation’s pretty, and they made Wei Ying look scarier.” Watching stuff at 12 in the morning isn’t the best thing but that’s what I do.

Anywho, this version made Wei Ying really attracted to going down the path of ‘evil’ compared to the other versions. I don’t really understand why they made this change...but they did so we have to deal with that. And his eyes glow red!! It makes him look scary and cool at the same time. I love it!!

The transitions between certain events were a bit weird to say the least. For example, at the end of episode 2/3 Wei Ying gets forcibly dragged into the Cloud Recesses and the episode ends there. By the next episode, we’re 16/23/13 however many years in the past. This makes it really confusing for someone who hasn’t watched or read any other version of the story. It definitely made me confused and I already finished one.

While ‘The Untamed’ told us everything in one long flashback, the donghua broke it up into small chunks placed whenever information was needed. I don’t think that was a good idea, but then I also think it was a better decision than what they did for the Cdrama. As I watched this adaptation, I found myself confused from time to time because what happened in the prior episode didn’t always match what happened in the current episode like I mentioned earlier.

As for the artstyle, personally, I think some of the characters look similar minus the hair. However, I do like the little ways they made Lan Zhan express his feelings towards Wei Ying.

Speaking of which, when I first saw them together in this version in the forest near the Goddess Temple, I had to do a bit of a double take because of the height difference which wasn’t so evident in ‘The Untamed’. I soon found out that Lan Zhan was taller than Wei Ying before and after he gets reincarnated(?) Prior, it was just a small gap of 2cm which later turned to 6cm after possessing Mo Xuanyu.

I didn’t notice their height gaps while watching ‘The Untamed’ because Wei Ying’s actor, Xiao Zhan, is taller than Lan Zhan’s actor, Wang Yi Bo by about 2 inches which is like 5 cm? and so they had to do some weird thing with platforms to make Xiao Zhan look shorter in comparison.

Soundtrack wise, I personally think that ‘The Untamed’ was better in that sense. Where it had an amazing souding flute, this one had minor earrape in a nutshell.

This version made itself, in my eyes look more like a historical fighting anime as opposed to the BL vibes I was getting from ‘The Untamed’ and the other versions. They added a lot of action scenes and made the mystery more interesting for me. Along with this, the overall look and feel of this made it seem like it came from a completely different source material.

Manhua

Small FYI, as of writing this post the Manhua is at 147 Chapters.

(I should’ve kept up the trend and got a screenshot from that scene in the Manhua but I didn’t so here we are with gay rabbits.)

As your local internet friend who reads more manga than normal books nowadays, I enjoyed reading the manhua and finished it in a couple days.

Compared to the first 2 versions here, these last 2 are both things that you have to read to get through, albeit one has pictures and one doesn’t.

While normally, one would read silently, I like listening to music while I do. And seeing as the OST of ‘The Untamed’ sounds really nice, I listened to it while reading both the manhua and novel when I could.

This one brought out the BL elements that were missing from the first 2. They gave Wei Ying and Lan Zhan a lot of kissing or just straight up affectionate scenes which I think ties in with the general theming of the original novel more.

As this one is probably the closest of the adaptations to the original, it’s the least confusing to read, although that might’ve been influenced by my experiencing the story for the third time at this point. I say that, however, there were many story elements that weren’t present in either one prior to this.

Examples this can be seen with their collecting of body parts that belonged to the former Nie Sect Leader. In ‘The Untamed’ they find the sword spirit which guides them through the rest of the story. In the Donghua adaptation, they get the arm, but also get the head of the the Jin with the hundred holes curse which was an original addition. Here, they get the arm from Mo Manor, find the other one then find the torso and so on before finding the head in Jin GuangYao’s possession.

The flashbacks in this version were also executed really well, in my opinion, as it doesn’t feel super confusing while reading it and it gives just enough information to help the events unfold. It also gives us a chance to see how much of an ass(sorry) Wei Ying was when he was the Yiling Patriach from his own perspective as well as give us a moment of WangXian in the middle of all that chaos.

Novel

Here’s a picture of gay rabbits for everyone.

At this point, I was switching between the novel and the Manhua to read whichever one I wanted at any given time which might have blurred my sense of what belonged in each one so I’ll try my best to make sure.

Since this one is the original source material, it was clear from the get go that this will be the one with the least confusing version of events and the most amount of detail.

I was surprised on how close the manhua and ‘The Untamed’ was to the novel. Although, the former condensed the mystery to fit within the timeframe while the latter hasn’t finished just yet.

Personally, I like this author, and will probably read more of her works further down the line. Even though the version I read was in english, I still could feel the meaning behind certain aspects which I think shows her skill as an author.

The novel clearly shows the mischief that goes through Wei Ying’s head and their gradual (I say gradual but I think Lan Zhan just snapped) change of attitudes towards each other.

Arc One- Mo Manor

Past here I’ll break down the first arc of each one because I think all of them did it in relatively different ways. Be warned for spoilers if you haven’t watched or read all of them.

The Untamed (2019)

Out of all of these versions, this one definitely had me scratching my head in confusion the most even after watching it a second time once I finished the entire show.

As the only version that had the curse issued at the start as a moving factor of the story as well as the Yin Iron which was specifically made for this version, it didn’t explain enough at the start.

There were many things I could say were wrong about this beginning, from starting at a flashback to not properly introducing us to our characters but the biggest problem in my mind was the lack of explanation at the present.

Like I mentioned, starting at a flashback is a terrible idea as it gives the viewer high expectations only for it to be crushed the second it ends. Here, it shows a small portion of the battle at the Nightless City without much context then it quickly changes to 16 years later with a seemingly random group of people.

Another issue is the amount of useless characters who were introduced. In the other versions, there were only 2 Lan disciples who were given names and were introduced properly while here there were more than I want to count. Add to that the one telling stories about the YiLing Patriarch and the weird guy walking around with a flag, and you got yourself total confusion.

Donghua

This one was slightly less confusing to watch. As it starts with a clip of Wei Ying commanding corpses which matches the overall feel of the donghua. The rumors that he died stretched over the time skip and we meet this version of Mo Xuanyu who is caked with make up, whether or not he was a cut-sleeve (gay) in this version, I forgot.

It fully explains the curse and instead of having a couple of Lan disciples just standing there watching, we get to focus on the 2 important ones, Lan Sizhui and Lan JiYing. It gives us a slightly deeper insight into Wei Ying’s mind, as he states ‘you got the wrong one,’ just after being reincarnated, indicating that he isn’t as vicious as painted by the first few minutes of the show. Like the other versions, they also show how he considers the cons of using his demonic abilities and that Sizhui would probably tell on him to Lan Zhan, meaning that Sizhui was a keen, observant young man.

Manhua and the Novel

As for the introductions, these two were very similar. Both have the rumors of the Yiling Patriarch across the screen as we get further down the story and meet our main character.

It gets the details from the Donghua adaptation and mixes it with more information to create a more detailed account of what was happening, also making this Wei Ying seem smarter compared to his counterparts in other versions. He also hesitates more on showing his abilities, knowing that he’s going to be caught if he does.

Final Thoughts

As of writing this, I’m only halfway through the novel but it covers the portion until where the manhua is currently at. I would finish reading it before posting this but it would take too long and probably make this post even longer than it currently is, which isn’t such a good idea. If I had much more patience and effort I would really like to break down each arc and their differences from one another but I can’t be bothered right now. (Sorry)

I can safely say that in terms of adaptations, ‘The Untamed’ is relatively close to the novel, albeit a very condensed version. As flashback filled as it is, it wasn’t very confusing to watch past the first two episodes.

The Donghua adaptation takes several liberties, going more of an action oriented route instead of the calmer more, I wouldn’t say love but character oriented novel.

The manhua is definitely the closest to the novel, so if you really don’t want to read a lot of words, and I mean a lot of words, then go ahead and read it.

What else do I have to say...if you’re new to the story, welcome, if you’re a veteran who’s been here longer than me, sorry for taking up space on your feed. And congrats for making it to the end.

[somegirlsnerdywords2]

Anime i’ve Watched

That begin with a G (Part 3)!

Yep this is how i’m going to bring over all the anime and manga i’ve watched and posted about on the old blog. It’s not so detailed but it will have to do. Anything new I watch or read from this point on will have their own posts.

Gingitsune (Gingitsune: Messenger Fox of the Gods): 

Genres: seinen, slice of life, supernatural

Synopsis: Gintarou is a fox spirit that has been protecting the small Inari temple since the Edo era. Saeki Makoto's family possesses the power to see the gods' agent, but the ability is limited to one living relative at a time. When Makoto's mother passed away while she was still young, Makoto inherited the ability as the sole remaining family member. With the help of fox spirit's power, Makoto and Gintarou help the people of their community, in spite of their many differences. (Source: MangaHelpers, edited)

My Rating: 8/10

Finished airing in 2013 with a total of 12 episodes. 

My Thoughts: I once went on a kick where I watched everything I could find that involved fox spirits. Do not know how it started but this was one of those animes. Honestly though who doesn’t love a good anime involving spirits and humans?! If you want a simple slice of life anime with a fantasy twist this is the one for you! 

 Given:

Genres: drama, music, romance, shounen ai, slice of life

Synopsis: Tightly clutching his Gibson guitar, Mafuyu Satou steps out of his dark apartment to begin another day of his high school life. While taking a nap in a quiet spot on the gymnasium staircase, he has a chance encounter with fellow student Ritsuka Uenoyama, who berates him for letting his guitar's strings rust and break. Noticing Uenoyama's knowledge of the instrument, Satou pleads for him to fix it and to teach him how to play. Uenoyama eventually agrees and invites him to sit in on a jam session with his two band mates: bassist Haruki Nakayama and drummer Akihiko Kaji. Satou's voice is strikingly beautiful, filling Uenoyama with the determination to make Satou the lead singer of the band. Though reticent at first, Satou takes the offer after an emotional meeting with an old friend. With the support of his new friends, Satou must not only learn how to play guitar, but also come to terms with the mysterious circumstances that led him to be its owner. [Written by MAL Rewrite]

My Rating|: 10/10

My Thoughts: Hands down one of the best shows last year. I freaking loved this series! Long time fan of the BL/Shounen ai genre in Manga but before Given I had found no anime that was honestly palatable or of interest. 

Even if you aren’t into BL i’d still suggest this for anyone who loves a slow burn (non graphic or creepy) romance, music and a good old bit of drama. Great story, characters, music and art. Honestly I could go on and on about this one but i’ll refrain... Plus Uenoyama is adorable! Just saying. 

Gugure! Kokkuri-san:

Genres: comedy, shounen, supernatural

Synopsis:  Kohina Ichimatsu, the self-proclaimed doll, called out the fox ghost Kokkuri-san with a suspicious incantation! But it was a story of the past where Kokkuri-san was able to answer any question you had. Nowadays, it relies on a certain search engine, but is actually bad at anything digital. He was going to possess Kohina, but got worried about her living all alone and devotes himself to do chores as if he was her mother. On top of that, the dog ghost Inugami who is infatuated with Kohina and the old good-for-nothing supernatural raccoon dog Shigaraki decide to root themselves with her as well!

My Rating: 8/10

Finished airing in 2014 with a total of 12 episodes. 

My Thoughts: I probably could have watched season after season of this one but unfortunately only one season was ever made. Big fan of the character design and how it fits the tone of this particular anime. Not the best anime ever made but certainly enjoyable. 

Guilty Crown:

Genres: action, sci-fi, super power, drama, romance, mecha

Synopsis: Japan, 2039. Ten years after the outbreak of the "Apocalypse Virus," an event solemnly regarded as "Lost Christmas," the once proud nation has fallen under the rule of the GHQ, an independent military force dedicated to restoring order. Funeral Parlor, a guerilla group led by the infamous Gai Tsutsugami, act as freedom fighters, offering the only resistance to GHQ's cruel despotism.

Inori Yuzuriha, a key member of Funeral Parlor, runs into the weak and unsociable Shuu Ouma during a crucial operation, which results in him obtaining the "Power of Kings"—an ability which allows the wielder to draw out the manifestations of an individual's personality, or "voids." Now an unwilling participant in the struggle against GHQ, Shuu must learn to control his newfound power if he is to help take back Japan once and for all.

Guilty Crown follows the action-packed story of a young high school student who is dragged into a war, possessing an ability that will help him uncover the secrets of the GHQ, Funeral Parlor, and Lost Christmas. However, he will soon learn that the truth comes at a far greater price than he could have ever imagined.

[Written by MAL Rewrite]

My Rating: 7/10

Finished airing in 2011 with a total of 22 episodes. 

My Thoughts: My god did I love the art/ animation/ character design and opening theme. To this day the opening theme has to be one of my all time favourites from any anime ever. Unfortunately the anime itself failed to impress me much. Or at all really... not much of a lasting impression aside from the art and music.