#these always bring me back to facebook in high school

[darlingshane]

Let's pretend it's 1996

Duncan Carmello x F!Reader

Summary: You've always wondered how things would have turned out between you and Duncan if you didn’t break up. It takes 10 years for you to see him again at your High School reunion. This night brings a lot of bittersweet moments between you and him, and you can't help but wonder if after all this time you could make this work again.

CW: fluff, crack, light angst, regrets, memories, exes, high school reunion, drinking, singing, kissing.

Word Count: 3,8k

A/N: This fic is set in 2006, the year the show was released. Duncan never dated Nicole, instead he was with reader. Also, I'm not a lyricist so forgive my cheesy ass song that I wrote for Duncan, but I know this is something he'd write.

— Links: AO3 // Masterlist

After sitting down at the table, you start bobbing your head to the sound of Car Fire, the band playing live, led by none other than Duncan Carmello—your ex. They've taken the stage to kick off the party, while the stragglers keep arriving.

Your friend Pam has left you alone momentarily to procure a couple of drinks. In that time, you've found yourself caught in a web of memories about your Duncan that trace all the way back to high school. It's in this very same gym you're in where you cheered for him from the bleachers when he played basketball. The very same place where you dance together during prom, and you couldn't imagine life with anyone other than him. And now it hosts your 10 Year High School reunion. You promised yourself that you'd never attend any of these cheesy events, but Pam convinced you to come along. She’s in the organization committee, and she was very adamant on you being here tonight.

Pam sets your glass of wine on the table right in front of you, and gets close to your ear to say something over the music playing, “you're staring.”

“What?” you slowly pick up your glass and bring it up to your lips.

“Tell me that you're not still pinning for that asshole.”

“I am not pinning,” you scoff and take another sip to swallow the lie. “I’m remembering. Remembering is not pinning.”

“Tell that to your face.”

You've always wondered how things would have turned out between you and Duncan if you didn’t break up. You were high school sweethearts, the ones that every thought they'd be together forever. But fate had different plans. You wanted to become a journalist, had your mind set on going to college on the other side of the country, and that put a strain on your relationship. Distance was not kind, and a year later there was no more you and Duncan. The last time you saw him was that summer, when you came back and everything went to hell. You haven't seen him in person since. You’ve seen him in pictures that your old classmates have on Facebook, but you never thought of reaching out, despite him being on your mind more often than not.

All the relationships you had after Duncan didn't work out, and it was solely on you. You could never bring yourself to love anyone when he was still a constant presence in your heart and mind. It’s something that you probably never got over, which is kind of pathetic considering he was the one who couldn’t overcome his issues about your long distance relationship. You should hate him, but you never did. You never could. All his concerns were valid, but you were too focused on getting your degree and traveling all over, something you’ve dreamed of since before you met him. And he felt like he wasn’t part of that. He had his life here and wasn’t willing to consider moving away, even if it was just for trying. The pressure was on you to make it work, and it made you feel like a failure for not doing your best to fix the situation. That’s why he was an asshole. He was just a kid, people would say… but so were you. There was too much you had planned for your future to throw away for him. He could've met you halfway, but because he was so damn stubborn that it all ended in a bitter note that left an aftertaste in your throat for years to last. This is mainly the reason you didn't want to come here today. You know it'd be hard to ignore everything you've put in boxes in the farthest corners of your mind. Now, the dust has cleared, lids are open, and you can't bring yourself to close them again.

This evening, he's singing all the songs he wrote in high school, which you remember every lyric to. You're the sole owner of two copies of the one and only album they ever recorded. One of those he gave to you, it came with a special dedication at the back. And a second one you bought to support the band. They're both in an old box labeled ‘Don't open’ that contains everything that you collected from that past relationship and that you've always been unable to get rid of that sits in the back of your closet.

You try to think about all the horrible things he said to you the last time you talked face to face in an attempt to put him out of your mind; but to be honest, it felt like such a surreal conversation you're not sure if it happened or not. You're not the one to hold grudges and yes, he was just a kid, who had just turned 19, and it'll be really petty of you to hold onto that forever.

As the short performance comes to an end, Pam leaves again to set up the next activity at the stage. Music starts playing from a playlist now as you wander around to pick up some appetizers from the buffet table to stuff your face with. Then you meet your colleagues from the school paper that are all gathered at the bar. You have a couple of drinks and a few laughs while catching up with them and everything that's going on with their lives.

Your social battery starts draining as your bladder keeps filling quickly. When you come out of the bathroom, you make a stop in the hallway to study the wall of memories of the class of 96 that holds a lot of moments frozen in pictures that you had forgotten. School events, trips, different clubs, yearbook portraits and personal pics of different groups of friends shine anew as if they were taken yesterday. They're all labeled by year, and the walk down memory lane ends with a graduation picture of the whole class. Your eyes travel back to a collection of snapshots dedicated to prom. There's one of Duncan where he's smiling proudly in his messed up tux after being crowned prom king. Another one of the two of you where he has put his crown on your head to share the win. He later on bought you a tiara, saying you were his only queen. Your heart sinks when you see a more intimate pic of you slowly dancing in his arms. You still remember what song was playing, how he smelled, how his hands caressed the exposed skin at your back. It seems to come alive for a second when you hear his voice behind you…

“I still think you should have been crowned that night.”

“I was a nerd. Haven't you heard? Nerds don't get to be prom royalty,” you say after swallowing the knot in your throat. You don't look back, you can't face him yet. Not this close.

“That's not true. Look at you, you were by far the most beautiful in that gym.”

“Well, it wasn't a beauty contest, either.” You sigh, staring at the most popular girl in school standing on stage with her crown next to Duncan.

“So, you're not going to turn around?”

“I don't think I can yet.”

“That's cool. Take your time.”

“You sounded good up there. I thought you guys went separate ways.” You fidget with your fingers, unable to move any other part of your body to look at him.

“We did. We just got the band together again.”

“You still got it.”

“You think so?” He still sounds so boyish when he says that.

“Hm-hmm.”

“I was hoping you'd come today.”

“Yeah? Why is that?” you keep your eyes glued to the pictures on the wall.

“Cause I needed to tell you that I didn't mean any of that shit I said when we broke up.”

“Duncan, you don't have to say anything. It's—”

“No. I do have something to say, cause I was a jackass. Thought that you deserved better than me. I knew if we stayed together, I'd hold you back. You were doing what you loved, and I'd have just gotten in the way so… I took the coward's way out. I thought that if you hated me, you'd just move on. Then it was too late when I realized that it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. I need you to know that.”

Listening to him opening that old wound makes your eyes well up, but you manage to reel those in.

“I tried to hate you,” you say. “Never could. Even when it hurt, even when I couldn't move on… I couldn't bring myself to hate you.”

It's then that you finally gather the courage to shift in your heels and face him.

“Hey.”

“Hey, you,” the way his lips curve up at the corners is utterly disarming. “I didn't think you'd talk to me.”

You shrug, “I didn't think so either. But here we are.”

“Here we are,” he echoes. “You look great.”

“You do, too.” And he does. Up close, you can see he's really grown up into his own with his simple dark suit and unbuttoned black shirt. “Look at you. You're wearing a suit, and you've gotten rid of that horrible mullet.”

“Yeah,” he laughs sheepishly, scratching the back of his nape, messing up his shaggy curls. “Would you have a drink with me?”

“Hmm,” you pause and try to decide whether that it's something that you'd like to do right now. “I don't think that's a good idea.”

“Why? Did you come here with anyone?”

“No, I just don't have anything else to say to you.”

“Are you still mad at me?”

You shake your head. “Whatever happened all these years ago is all water under the bridge, Duncan. You said what you wanted to say. I don't think it'd be healthy to sit down and keep rehashing the past.”

“Oh, I get it, you're scared.” He says with a teasing tone.

“I'm not scared.” You scoff, crossing your arms tightly against your stomach.

“No? You look terrified right now, hotshot.”

“I'm not.”

“Are so.”

“I'm not”

“Are so.”

“What, are we in school?” You bring a stop to it.

“Well, we are in a high school.”

You both stare at the other and break into laughter.

Duncan tucks both hands in his pockets and shrugs like he used to, biting his bottom lip with a smile before trying again.

“C'mon, let me buy you a drink for old times.”

“I think drinks are free.”

“Even better.”

“So I'm a cheap date now.”

“Hey, I didn't say anything about a date.” Duncan starts walking backwards, heading to the gym doors. “I'll be at the bar. Come. Don't come. It's up to you.”

You watch him disappear behind the big doors that clank upon closing. The music buzzing behind them temporarily comes to stop, and you hear murmurs in its place. You step closer to see through the window that Pam is taking the stage to inform everyone with mic in hand that games would start soon before letting the music resume. You look to the side to get a glimpse of Duncan taking a seat at the bar. Against your own wishes, your hands push the door open and let your feet zero in on his direction.

His face lights up when he sees you. He raises his glass up to you. “Look who decided to join me. I knew you couldn't resist.”

“Please, don't flatter yourself. I just needed a place to sit,” you say, parking your ass on the free bar stool beside him. “These heels are killing me.”

The waiter comes over, and you order another glass of wine while you watch Duncan go over a booklet left on the bar with the necessary information of all the attendees from the Class of 96.

“Is this true? You live in New York now?” Duncan shows up your page with your bio, and two pics of you side by side, one from your teen years and a recent one you send to Pam to assemble the class book.

“Hm-hmm.”

“And you write for a surfing magazine, huh?”

“Surfing magazine? What are you talking about? It’s called Surfeit. It has nothing to do with surfing.”

“I know,” he scoffs, “I was just messing with you.”

“Were you now?” You squint at him.

“Yeah, I gotta confess I’ve known for a while. I subscribed to that thing a few months ago.”

“Get out of here.”

“No, it’s true. I know you’re one of the founders. I’ve read all your pieces, I particularly liked the one about the invasion of the cum trees. It was fascinating.”

“Yeah? You think that one will put me on the right track for a Pulitzer?” You chuckle before taking a sip from your glass. “So, you’ve been keeping tabs on me.”

“Just recently.” He puts down the booklet and lifts his beer to his lips.

“Just recently? Why would you do that now?”

“Why?” he sighs. “I don’t know, I guess I missed talking to you. I found one of your articles online a few months ago, and it felt like I was hearing your voice when I read it, so I started looking for more, and I found Surfeit and I got most of them in the mail— It’s kinda pathetic, isn’t it?”

You balance your head side to side, measuring which side you lean on. “I think it’s sweet. I like this new side of you.”

“Which side?”

“You’re honest. Well, I suppose you always were, for the most part, but I used to have to pry words out of you when we weren’t talking about music, sports, or video games. I like that you offer them now without me asking, and that you’re capable of reading anything that didn’t come from a Playboy. I don’t think you were our target audience when we started the magazine, but I’ll take it.”

Biting his bottom lip, he looks down for a beat. “Okay, now it’s your turn to share something pathetic you’ve done to level the scales.”

“Hmm, I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

“Cause I’m pretty sure I’d win, and you’d laugh at me.”

“C’mon, I promise I won’t laugh.”

Clearing your throat, you look down for a beat before confessing.

“You know, I was just thinking earlier, when you were playing on stage, about all the stuff I kept from you in a box and that I still have. All the mixtapes, the Car Fire albums, the tiara you bought me, all the anniversary presents… all the pictures… I’ve hauled them over several states. I took it by accident to London once. I just can't get rid of anything. I never look at what's inside, whatsoever. I don’t need to, but it's always there cause, you know… cause I’m a pathetic loser and I never got over you.”

You feel your face going numb as you finish saying that, and when you look at his eyes, you see that his smile has disappeared too. Is he pitying you? It’s the only thing you can read on his expression right now, and you instantly regret telling him that.

He opens his mouth to talk, but he takes too long to respond. And before he can say anything, you promptly stand up and try to head out the door.

Surfing the crowd, you bump into Pam.

“Hey, I was looking for you. Come on, games are starting. Sit down.”

“I was going to—” You point at the door with your thumb, but she doesn’t hear you. She grabs your arm and takes you to the tables where everyone is gathering.

Your weak protest attempt goes unheard by your friend, who leaves you alone once more to explain the first game on the microphone as someone else starts handing a sheet filled with trivia questions to everyone. They range from school-specific questions to 1996 pop culture. This is the last thing you wanna do right now, but you pick up a pen and start filling your answers without putting too much thought into them.

“Hi—” the high-pitched feedback from the microphone tears your eyes from the paper, and you find Duncan back on stage, strapping a guitar to his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I’m taking the stage again,” he says as the people from the organization committee start asking him to get down, with Pam fuming on the side.

“Actually, I’m not sorry. There’s someone here today and she… she opened her heart to me and I just stood there like an idiot cause I’m not good with words like she is. I… I thought I could say better with a song.”

You lock eyes with him instantly. You can see him swallowing the lump in his throat as he positions his hands on the guitar. He looks down at the strings for a beat before letting his fingers play the first chords. After a moment, his voice joins the melody in a mid-tempo rock ballad…

Your voice knocks down my own pride, All the things you wrote, all the things you shared. Sleepless nights, restless days. Guess I never figured out, How to let go, how to walk out.

Wish I had gone along, But baby, it’s too late now. If I could go back, I’d rewrite our last goodbye Instead of losing you that night.

There’s nothing like a fatal flaw, Caught up in my own fears and lies, I pushed you away, said you weren’t it. You walked away, I stayed right here Watching the years slip by.

Wish I had gone along, But baby, it’s too late now. If I could go back, I’d rewrite our last goodbye Instead of losing you that night.

And just for kicks, let’s pretend it’s 1996, We’re flying high, we’re back in that field The grass holding us up, watching stars collide.

Wish I had gone along…

Please tell me it’s not too late…

I’ll wait for you to say… baby, there’s still a chance.

The gym goes silent when the last chord fades away, and you can’t hear anything over the sound of your beating heart as you study every word sung in his song. You’re aware that all eyes are on you, expecting to see your next move, but you’re paralyzed in your seat.

Someone starts clapping, and the rest of the gym follow suit, breaking the spell you’re in.

You raise up from your chair and head out the door at a fast pace while the party resumes like nothing happened. You make it all the way to the courtyard and when you look back you see him following several yards behind, closely catching up.

Your feet come to a halt by the fountain, and you wait for him to face you.

“You know, you’re a liar,” you utter as he stops in front of you.

“All I said in that song was true.”

“No, you said you weren't good with words. I beg to differ.”

“You liked it?”

“Well, it wasn’t Bohemian Rhapsody, but it was good. It sounded like Oasis in their good years.”

“I mean, no one can beat Bohemian Rhapsody,” he snorts, shoving his hands in his pockets and shrugging in true Duncan fashion.

“Did you really mean it? If you could take it back, would you? You think we would’ve made it?”

“I meant every word of it, sweetheart. I never wanted to be with anyone else. I don’t know if we would have made it. I’d like to think that in another universe we did… You said you kept everything and I just choked up cause I did the same thing. I could never let you go, you know?”

“So, we’re just two wallowing assholes that couldn’t pick up the phone in 10 years?”

“Guess we are.”

“What do we do now?” You ask, folding your arms against your stomach.

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

“I’m not the same person you remember, Duncan. We can’t just pick it up like nothing happened.”

“I don’t think I am, either. Maybe we could just stay in contact and see where that goes?” He takes out a hand out of his pocket that comes with a cell phone attached to his fingers. “Here, put your number in there.”

“It's funny,” he says as you pick it up from his hand and start typing your number in his contacts.

“What's funny?”

“Us being here, standing on the same spot where I first asked you out.”

You gaze away from the phone for a second. “Right, I didn't notice that. What was it? Homecoming?”

“That's right.”

When you're done saving your number, you call yourself to have his number registered on your end and give it back with a warning look, “don’t make me regret this.”

“I won’t. I give you my word.” Duncan purposely clutches his fingers softly around your hand when reaching for the phone. He uses his opposite hand to caress the shape of your knuckles.

The familiar touch makes your hair stick out, your breath gets caught in the knot of your throat, wrapped in a layer of regrets and unsaid words. There’s an I love you trying to force its way out, but you don’t let it. You can’t. It’d be ridiculous if you did. Instead, you step closer and cup his face. He lets out a sigh, preparing for what’s coming as your face shortens the distance. The same magnetic pull that brought you to him the first time over ten years ago takes hold of you as you capture the warmth of his lips in a tender kiss. His hands, driven by that same force, smoothly travel to your waist to hold you closer against him. You sway with the gentle breeze as you allow your lips to move with his to the sweet rhythm of that song that still lingers in the way his tongue delves past your lips. As you're drawn into the depth of his mouth, you curl your arms around his neck in a tight lock as one of your hands slides into the back of his hair. He moans in your mouth as a reaction to your fingers massaging his scalp. It’s easy to get lost in that moment and forget how to breathe as your lips ache for more, for all those missed years of kisses, you suddenly feel fused with him making up for all that lost time.

You’re not sure who pulls back first, perhaps it’s both.

He’s just as breathless as you are when your lips part and your foreheads meet instead.

“Wow,” he says under a shallow breath.

“Yeah, wow,” your lips draw a smile.

“Do you wanna go back inside?”

You shake your head. “I like it here.”

— Credits: beautiful divider by @firefly-graphics

[unregisteredjetski]

Tagged by @tangledupinblue8 do these 15 questions, and you know what, it's been a while since I've done one of these, and I'm bored on a Saturday so here we go.

1. Are you named after anyone?

St. Luke, I believe! Because I was raised Catholic and also because my mom liked that my name meant "Light"

2. When was the last time you cried?

Literally yesterday watching Pit Babe and Frieren because I'm an F and there's nothing that gets me more emotional than people dealing with the aftermath of death

3. Do you have kids?

I do not and don't particularly plan to have any! You never know tho, I guess

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

I used to play a little tennis when I was younger and was a manager of the track team for a year in high school, but that's about it on the formal sports side of things. I like running though!

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Yeah, but like, who doesn't?

6. What's the first thing you notice about someone?

Beyond just like outward appearance which feels obvious, I tend to consciously aware of like how readily people make small talk and their conversation style (e.g., like how quickly people jump in to talk, their tone of voice, etc.)

7. Eye color?

Blueish greenish but also some gold around the pupil

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

In the words of Martha Dunnstock in Heathers the Musical, "I'm a sucker for a happy ending"

9. Any talents?

I have a pretty good sense of direction, if that counts? I'd also say I'm a jack of all trades and am decently good at things I pick up (though I rarely master anything)

10. Where were you born?

Rural Suburban Amish Country, Pennsylvania

11. Hobbies?

I've been baking a lot in recent years! And then the old standbys of long walks, video games, and watching BLs and anime

12. Any pets?

Nope! When I own a place and am more settled, maybe then though

13. Height?

Something like 6ft? Probably like 182cm

14. Favorite school subject?

I liked art and language courses in high school! And in college, I loved social science courses

15. Dream job?

I don't necessarily want to work, but I do think it would be cool to own a coffee shop when I'm older

tag 15 ppl

I feel like so many mutuals either deactivated or were axed so do it if you'd like to @paelskin @mykingdomforapen @gl0rificus @hotsolvent or anyone else who wants to

[wirewitchviolet]

How a Computer Works - Part 1 (Components)

I am about to teach you on a real fundamental, connecting up electronic components level, how a computer actually works. Before I get into the meat of this though (you can just skip down below the fold if you don't care), here's the reasons I'm sitting doing so in this format:

Like a decade or two ago, companies Facebook pushed this whole "pivot to video" idea on the whole internet with some completely faked data, convincing everyone that everything had to be a video, and we need to start pushing back against that. Especially for stuff like complex explanations of things or instructions, it's much more efficient to just explain things clearly in text, maybe with some visual aids, so people can easily search, scan, and skip around between sections. It's also a hell of a lot easier to host things long term, and you can even print out a text based explainer and not need a computer to read it, keep it on a desk, highlight it, etc.

People are so clueless about how computers actually work that they start really thinking like it's all magical. Even programmers. Aside from how proper knowledge lets you get more out of them, this leads to people spouting off total nonsense about "teaching sand to think" or "everything is just 1s and 0s" or "this 'AI' a con artist who was trying to sell me NFTs a month ago probably really is an amazing creative thinking machine that can do everything he says!"

We used to have this cultural value going where it was expected that if you owned something and used it day to day, you'd have enough basic knowledge of how it worked that if it stopped working you could open it up, see what was wrong, and maybe fix it on your own, or maybe even put one together again from scratch, and that's obviously worth bringing back.

I'm personally working on a totally bonkers DIY project and I'd like to hype up like-minded people for when it gets farther along.

So all that said, have a standard reminder that I am completely reliant on Patreon donations to survive, keep updating this blog, and ideally start getting some PCBs and chips and a nice oscilloscope to get that mystery project off the ground.

Electricity probably doesn't work like how you were taught (and my explanation shouldn't be trusted too far either).

I remember, growing up, hearing all sorts of things about electricity having this sort of magical ability to always find the shortest possible path to where it needs to get, flowing like water, and a bunch of other things that are kind of useful for explaining how a Faraday cage or a lightning rod works, and not conflicting with how simple electronics will have a battery and then a single line of wire going through like a switch and a light bulb or whatever back to the other end of the battery.

If you had this idea drilled into your head hard enough, you might end up thinking that if we have a wire hooked to the negative end of a battery stretching off to the east, and another wire stretching off to the east from the positive end, and we bridge between the two in several places with an LED or something soldered to both ends, only the westernmost one is going to light up, because hey, the shortest path is the one that turns off as quickly as possible to connect to the other side, right? Well turns out no, all three are going to light up, because that "shortest path" thing is a total misunderstanding.

Here's how it actually works, roughly. If you took basic high school chemistry, you learned about how the periodic table is set up, right? A given atom, normally, has whatever number of protons in the core, and the same number of electrons, whipping all over around it, being attracted to those protons but repelled by each other, and there's particular counts of electrons which are super chill with that arrangement so we put those elements in the same column as each other, and then as you count up from those, you get the elements between those either have some electrons that don't fit all tight packed in the tight orbit and just kinda hang out all wide and lonely and "want to" buddy up with another atom that has more room, up to the half full column that can kinda go either way, then as we approach the next happy number they "want to" have a little more company to get right to that cozy tight packed number, and when you have "extra" electrons and "missing" electrons other atoms kinda cozy up and share so they hit those good noble gas counts.

I'm sure real experts want to scream at me for both that and this, but this is basically how electricity works. You have a big pile of something at the "positive" end that's "missing electrons" (for the above reason or maybe actually ionized so they really aren't there), and a "negative" end that's got spares. Then you make wires out of stuff from those middle of the road elements that have awkward electron counts and don't mind buddying up (and also high melting points and some other handy qualities) and you hook those in there. And the electron clouds on all the atoms in the wire get kinda pulled towards the positive side because there's more room over there, but if they full on leave their nucleus needs more electron pals, so yeah neighbors get pulled over, and the whole wire connected to the positive bit ends up with a positive charge to it, and the whole wire on the negative bit is negatively charged, and so yeah, anywhere you bridge the gap between the two, the electrons are pretty stoked about balancing out these two big awkward compromises and they'll start conga lining over to balance things out, and while they're at it they'll light up lights or shake speakers or spin motors or activate electromagnets or whatever other rad things you've worked out how to make happen with a live electric current.

Insulators, Resistors, Waves, and Capacitors

Oh and we typically surround these wires made of things that are super happy about sharing electrons around with materials that are very much "I'm good, thanks," but this isn't an all or nothing system and there's stuff you can connect between the positive and negative ends of things that still pass the current along, but only so much so fast. We use those to make resistors, and those are handy because sometimes you don't want to put all the juice you have through something because it would damage it, and having a resistor anywhere along a path you're putting current through puts a cap on that flow, and also sometimes you might want a wire connected to positive or negative with a really strong resistor so it'll have SOME sort of default charge, but if we get a free(r) flowing connection attached to that wire somewhere else that opens sometimes, screw that little trickle going one way, we're leaning everyone the other way for now.

The other thing with electricity is is that the flow here isn't a basic yes/no thing. How enthusiastically those electrons are getting pulled depends on the difference in charge at the positive and negative ends, and also if you're running super long wires then even if they conduct real good, having all that space to spread along is going to kinda slow things to a trickle, AND the whole thing is kinda going to have some inherent bounciness to it both because we're dealing with electrons whipping and spinning all over and because, since it's a property that's actually useful for a lot of things we do with electricity, the power coming out of the wall has this intentional wobbly nature because we've actually got this ridiculous spinny thing going on that's constantly flip flopping which prong of the socket is positive and which is negative and point is we get these sine waves of strength by default, and they kinda flop over if we're going really far.

Of course there's also a lot of times when you really want to not have your current flow flickering on and off all the time, but hey fortunately one of the first neat little electronic components we ever worked out are capacitors... and look, I'm going to be straight with you. I don't really get capacitors, but the basic idea is you've got two wires that go to big wide plates, and between those you have something that doesn't conduct the electricity normally, but they're so close the electromagnetic fields are like vibing, and then if you disconnect them from the flow they were almost conducting and/or they get charged to their limit, they just can't deal with being so charged up and they'll bridge their own gap and let it out. So basically you give them electricity to hold onto for a bit then pass along, and various sizes of them are super handy if you want to have a delay between throwing a switch and having things start doing their thing, or keeping stuff going after you break a connection, or you make a little branching path where one branch connects all regular and the other goes through a capacitor, and the electricity which is coming in in little pulses effectively comes out as a relatively steady stream because every time it'd cut out the capacity lets its charge go.

We don't just have switches, we have potentiometers.

OK, so... all of the above is just sort of about having a current and maybe worrying about how strong it is, but other than explaining how you can just kinda have main power rails running all over, and just hook stuff across them all willy-nilly rather than being forced to put everything in one big line, but still, all you can do with that is turn the whole thing on and off by breaking the circuit. Incidentally, switches, buttons, keys, and anything else you use to control the behavior of any electronic device really are just physically touching loose wires together or pulling them apart... well wait no, not all, this is a good bit to know.

None of this is actually pass/fail, really, there's wave amplitudes and how big a difference we have between the all. So when you have like, a volume knob, that's a potentiometer, which is a simple little thing where you've got your wire, it's going through a resistor, and then we have another wire we're scraping back and forth along the resistor, using a knob, usually, and the idea is the current only has to go through X percent of the resistor to get to the wire you're moving, which proportionately reduces the resistance. So you have like a 20 volt current, you've got a resistor that'll drop that down to 5 or so, but then you move this other wire down along and you've got this whole dynamic range and you can fine tune it to 15 or 10 or whatever coming down that wire. And what's nice about this again, what's actually coming down the wire is this wobbily wave of current, it's not really just "on" or "off, and as you add resistance, the wobble stays the same, it's just the peaks and valleys get closer to being just flat. Which is great if you're making, say, a knob to control volume, or brightness, or anything you want variable intensity in really.

Hey hey, it's a relay!

Again, a lot of the earliest stuff people did with electronics was really dependent on that analog wobbly waveform angle. Particularly for reproducing sound, and particularly the signals of a telegraph. Those had to travel down wires for absurd distances, and as previously stated, when you do that the signal is going to eventually decay to nothing. But then someone came up with this really basic idea where every so often along those super long wires, you set something up that takes the old signal and uses it to start a new one. They called them relays, because you know, it's like a relay race.

If you know how an electromagnet works (something about the field generated when you coil a bunch of copper wire around an iron core and run an electric current through it), a relay is super simple. You've got an electromagnet in the first circuit you're running, presumably right by where it's going to hit the big charged endpoint, and that magnetically pulls a tab of metal that's acting as a switch on a new circuit. As long as you've got enough juice left to activate the magnet, you slam that switch and voom you've got all the voltage you can generate on the new line.

Relays don't get used too much in other stuff, being unpopular at the time for not being all analog and wobbily (slamming that switch back and forth IS going to be a very binary on or off sorta thing), and they make this loud clacking noise that's actually just super cool to hear in devices that do use them (pinball machines are one of the main surviving use cases I believe) but could be annoying in some cases. What's also neat is that they're a logical AND gate. That is, if you have current flowing into the magnet, AND you have current flowing into the new wire up to the switch, you have it flowing out through the far side of the switch, but if either of those isn't true, nothing happens. Logic gates, to get ahead of myself a bit, are kinda the whole thing with computers, but we still need the rest of them. So for these purposes, relays re only neat if it's the most power and space efficient AND gate you have access to.

Oh and come to think of it, there's no reason we need to have that magnet closing the circuit when it's doing its thing. We could have it closed by default and yank it open by the magnet. Hey, now we're inverting whatever we're getting on the first wire! Neat!

Relay computers clack too loud! Gimme vacuum tubes!

So... let's take a look at the other main thing people used electricity for before coming up with the whole computer thing, our old friend the light bulb! Now I already touched a bit on the whole wacky alternating current thing, and I think this is actually one of the cases that eventually lead to it being adopted so widely, but the earliest light bulbs tended to just use normal direct current, where again, you've got the positive end and the negative end, and we just take a little filament of whatever we have handy that glows when you run enough of a current through it, and we put that in a big glass bulb and pump out all the air we can, because if we don't, the oxygen in there is probably going to change that from glowing a bit to straight up catching on fire and burning immediately.

But, we have a new weird little problem, because of the physics behind that glowing. Making something hot, on a molecular level, is just kinda adding energy to the system so everything jitters around more violently, and if you get something hot enough that it glows, you're getting it all twitchy enough for tinier particles to just fly the hell off it. Specifically photons, that's the light bit, but also hey, remember, electrons are just kinda free moving and whipping all over looking for their naked proton pals... and hey, inside this big glass bulb, we've got that other end of the wire with the more positive charge to it. Why bother wandering up this whole coily filament when we're in a vacuum and there's nothing to get in the way if we just leap straight over that gap? So... they do that, and they're coming in fast and on elliptical approaches and all, so a bunch of electrons overshoot and smack into the glass on the far side, and now one side of every light bulb is getting all gross and burnt from that and turning all brown and we can't have that.

So again, part of the fix is we switched to alternating current so it's at least splitting those wild jumps up to either side, but before that, someone tried to solve this by just... kinda putting a backboard in there. Stick a big metal plate on the end of another wire in the bulb connected to a positive charge, and now OK, all those maverick electrons smack into here and aren't messing up the glass, but also hey, this is a neat little thing. Those electrons are making that hop because they're all hot and bothered. If we're not heating up the plate they're jumping to, and there's no real reason we'd want to, then if we had a negative signal over on that side... nothing would happen. Electrons aren't getting all antsy and jumping back.

So now we have a diode! The name comes because we have two (di-) electrodes (-ode) we care about in the bulb (we're just kind of ignoring the negative one), and it's a one way street for our circuit. That's useful for a lot of stuff, like not having electricity flow backwards through complex systems and mess things up, converting AC to DC (when it flips, current won't flow through the diode so we lop off the bottom of the wave, and hey, we can do that thing with capacitors to release their current during those cutoffs, and if we're clever we can get a pretty steady high).

More electrodes! More electrodes!

So a bit after someone worked out this whole vacuum tube diode thing, someone went hey, what if it was a triode? So, let's stick another electrode in there, and this one just kinda curves around in the middle, just kinda making a grate or a mesh grid, between our hot always flowing filament and that catch plate we're keeping positively charged when it's doing stuff. Well this works in a neat way. If there's a negative charge on it, it's going to be pushing back on those electrons jumping over, and if there's a positive charge on it, it's going to help pull those electrons over (it's all thin, so they're going to shoot right past it, especially if there's way more of a positive charge over on the plate... and here's the super cool part- This is an analog thing. If we have a relatively big negative charge, it's going to repel everything, if it's a relatively big positive, it's going to pull a ton across, if it's right in the middle, it's like it wasn't even in there, and you can have tiny charges for all the gradients in between.

We don't need a huge charge for any of this though, because we're just helping or hindering the big jump from the high voltage stuff, and huh, weren't we doing this whole weak current controlling a strong current thing before with the relay? We were! And this is doing the same thing! Except now we're doing it all analog style, not slapping switch with a magnet, and we can make those wavy currents peak higher or lower and cool, now we can have phone lines boost over long distances too, and make volume knobs, and all that good stuff.

The relay version of this had that cool trick though where you could flip the output. Can we still flip the output? We sure can, we just need some other toys in the mix. See we keep talking about positive charges and negative charges at the ends of our circuits, but these are relative things. I mentioned way back when how you can use resistors to throttle how much of a current we've got, so you can run two wires to that grid in the triode. One connects to a negative charge and the other positive, with resistors on both those lines, and a switch that can break the connection on the positive end. If the positive is disconnected, we've got a negative charge on the grid, since it's all we've got, but if we connect it, and the resistor to the negative end really limits flow, we're positive in the section the grid's in. And over on the side with the collecting plate, we branch off with another resistor setup so the negative charge on that side is normally the only viable connection for a positive, but when we flip the grid to positive, we're jumping across the gap in the vacuum tube, and that's a big open flow so we'll just take those electrons instead of the ones that have to squeeze through a tight resistor to get there.

That explanation is probably a bit hard to follow because I'm over here trying to explain it based on how the electrons are actually getting pulled around. In the world of electronics everyone decided to just pretend the flow is going the other way because it makes stuff easier to follow. So pretend we have magical positrons that go the other way and if they have nothing better to do they go down the path where we have all the fun stuff further down the circuit lighting lights and all that even though it's a tight squeeze through a resistor, because there's a yucky double negative in the triode and that's worse, but we have the switch rigged up to make that a nice positive go signal to the resistance free promised land with a bonus booster to cut across, so we're just gonna go that way when the grid signal's connected.

Oh and you can make other sorts of logic circuits or double up on them in a single tube if you add more grids and such, which we did for a while, but not really relevant these days.

Cool history lesson but I know there's no relays or vacuum tubes in my computer.

Right, so the above things are how we used to make computers, but they were super bulky, and you'd have to deal with how relays are super loud and kinda slow, and vacuum tubes need a big power draw and get hot. What we use instead of either of those these days are transistors. See after spending a good number of years working out all this circuit flow stuff with vacuum tubes we eventually focused on how the real important thing in all of this is how with the right materials you can make a little juncture where current flows between a positive and negative charge if a third wire going in there is also positively charged, but if it's negatively charged we're pulling over. And turns out there is a WAY more efficient way of doing that if you take a chunk of good ol' middle of the electron road silicon, and just kinda lightly paint the side of it with just the tiniest amount of positive leaning and negative leaning elements on the sides.

Really transistors don't require understanding anything new past the large number of topics already covered here, they're just more compact about it. Positive leaning bit, negative leaning bit, wildcard in the middle, like a vacuum tube. Based on the concepts of pulling electrons around from chemistry, like a circuit in general. The control wire in the middle kinda works in just a pass-fail sort of way, like a relay. They're just really nice compared to the older alternatives because they don't make noise or have moving parts to wear down, you don't have to run enough current through them for metal to start glowing and the whole room to heat up, and you can make them small. Absurdly small. Like... need an electron microscope to see them small.

And of course you can also make an inverter super tiny like that, and a diode (while you're at it you can use special materials or phosphors to make them light emitting, go LEDs!) and resistors can get pretty damn small if you just use less of a more resistant material, capacitors I think have a limit to how tiny you can get, practically, but yeah, you now know enough of the basic fundamentals of how computers work to throw some logic gates together. We've covered how a relay, triode, or transistor function as an AND gate. An OR gate is super easy, you just stick diodes on two wires so you don't have messy backflow then connect them together and lead off there. If you can get your head around wiring up an inverter (AKA NOT), hey, stick one after an AND to get a NAND, or an OR to get a NOR. You can work out XOR and XNOR from there right? Just build 4 NANDs, pass input A into gates 1 and 2, B into 2 and 3, 2's output into 1 and 3, 1 and 3's output into 4 for a XOR, use NORs instead for a XNOR. That's all of them right? So now just build a ton of those and arrange them into a computer. It's all logic and math from there.

Oh right. It's... an absurd amount of logic and math, and I can only fit so many words in a blog post. So we'll have to go all...

CONTINUED IN PART 2!

Meanwhile, again, if you can spare some cash I'd really appreciate it.

[6ix9inewiturmom]

Show And Tell- Matthew Sturniolo

Summary: When matt takes your virginity and shows you how to make yourself feel better about not being so experienced in the sex world

Warnings: Smut, Inexperienced!sub!reader, Experienced!Dom!Matt, praising, cursing, use of Y/N, Oral (fem receiving), P in V, Unprotected sex (Safe sex is great sex, cause you don’t want that late text that I think I'm late text- Lil Wayne), TW! brief talk of emotionally absent parents!

A/N: i absolutely love writing sweet Matt, but what i love writing more is MATT THE MF MUNCHHHH!!

psa: DONT STEAL MY WORK!! THIS BELONGS TO ME MYSELF AND I!

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Ever since Middle school Nick, Matt, Chris, and I have been inevitable. Their mother, Mary Lou, has always taken me in as her own, considering I was the youngest out of 5 in my family, and my parents had me later in life, as soon as I learned how to care for myself, they quit raising me and only came through in times they ‘needed’ to be parents. Mary Lou was the woman I called my mother. whenever they went on a family vacation I always went with them. To the mall? I went. She basically had Quadruplets. When the triplets moved to LA, we were all over 18, and I was more than ready to leave my parent's house even though I had pretty much moved in with them for how much I stayed over, so I moved with them. I offered to get an apartment close by, but all of them collectively agreed and even argued with me about it, so now we all live in the same house.

Today was pretty much a normal day in the house, very calm, no one was filming, and we just did our own things. Matt and I had no plans, Chris went out shopping with some friends, and Nick had meetings and then dinner plans with Tara for a collab idea which left Matt and I at the house.

“Cant believe that you and my mother BOTH collectively agreed to let me walk out of the house looking like that” Matt said laughing showing me a memory that popped up on his moms Facebook page.

“To be fair you were dead set on wearing that entire outfit and your mom and I both knew we couldn't talk you out of that” I said laughing back and throwing my hands up in defense.

“That's when I dated Cassie too, how gross,” he said giving himself the Ick.

“She was the town whore, what'd you expect,” I say giggling at my comment.

“You know I never asked, whatever happened to Jackson? I just recalled he spread some rumor about him taking your virginity, and a bunch of other stuff, and you came to the house crying and Mom was comforting you and you never spoke about that again” he looks over at me as my head hung low looking at my hands.

Jackson was a guy I ‘dated’ junior year of high school, he took me on one date, it was very nice and he seemed amazing, though I should've listened to Nick when he told me Jackson was no good. After our date instead of taking me home he insisted on talking more and drove to the park in the middle of the city. His intentions were not pure. Jackson tried every which way to get me in the backseat, I rejected many many times that night and made some excuse on how I was on my period and that immediately grossed him out. Come to find out, as soon as we got back to school he spread a rumor around the entire school that he had taken my virginity and told the school I was into weird kinks. I knew I couldn't go to my mother about that because she would have taken me directly to the health clinic to ‘check if I was still pure’ so I went to Mary Lou, i and made sure to tell her to tell the boys not to bring it up to me and try their best to shut it down.

“I uh thought i told you about what happened?” i lied and nervously laughed.

“Nope,” he said popping the ‘p’ “I'm pretty sure I would have remembered something that important to where my own mother had to come to me, Nick, and Chris, and tell us not to talk to you about it, plus I mean it's been 4 years if you don't wanna talk about it I understand,” he said reassuring me.

I've always felt comfortable with all 3 of them, and always had a special relationship with all of them, and trust them with my life. I never went to them about this because I was embarrassed I was a virgin, I wasn't gonna tell them I didn't lose my virginity, considering both Matt and Chris came to me about sex advice I didn't want them to look at me any different for not being experienced enough so I lied and told them that Jackson did take my virginity but I wasn't into the weirder stuff Jackson accused me of.

“Fuck” I mutter under my breath. “Okay so, I just wanna say one thing before I tell you what actually happened between Jackson and me” I look back at him with nerve piercing through my body.

“Y/N, you know you can tell me anything” Matt adjusts himself to face me.

“So don't judge me,” I start taking a deep breath. “So Jackson made up that entire rumor,” I take my bottom lip between my teeth.

“I’m extremely confused” he scratched the back of his head laughing.

“God this is embarrassing” I place my head in my hands “fuck it, so he didn't take my virginity at all, and obviously the kink thing was a lie” I look up at him who still has a puzzled look on his face.

“So if Jackson didn't take your virginity then who did? Cause you basically swore off dating after him” he raises his eye brows in confusion.

“No one, Matt, I'm a uh Virgin” I drop my head down in embarrassment fiddling with my fingers.

“No fucking way, you gave both Chris and me AMAZING sex advice, stop fucking with me Y/N/N” he said laughing.

“Matt I'm being for real,” I shoot him an awkward smile “and please the sex advice ain't nothing, I know what I would like so I kinda made an assumption and by the looks of it, I'm guessing it worked” I nervously laughed.

“Holy shit,” his eyes go wide “why haven't you, you know?”

“It's hard for me to trust people, especially with something like that,” I shrugged my shoulders “When I hit puberty, my mother gave me a ‘save yourself till marriage’ talk instead of informing me of my body she scared me from sex, but I had gone to your mom one day when you three were hanging with Nate and she actually gave me that kinda talk and more or less told me to always make sure I felt safe and in the hands of someone I trust, and Jackson did neither of those things” I continue to fiddle with my fingers.

“You trust me right?” he says curiously

“Matt don't be stupid, yes I do” I lightly giggle. “Why is that even a question?”

“ah fuck it, never mind” he brushes it off.

“No, no, I told you something that no one knows so come on speak up,” I lightly push his arm.

“I was gonna say I could teach you a couple things about sex but i ain't too sure you'd be down for that anyway” he shrugged his shoulders turning his body back towards the TV.

“What if I was down?” I look at him through my lashes.

His head jerks in my direction, “actually?” his eyes light up.

“Matt do you know how embarrassing it is to be an almost 21-year-old who's never had sex,” a soft giggle escaped my lips.

“Have you ever like, touched yourself before?” he said slightly cringing at his words.

I was a little taken aback by his curiosity “I mean yeah, once or twice” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Did you like ever finish from that?” he shifts his body back in my direction. “I know this sounds a bit invasive but I promise if you want to do this I have a reason for asking these questions” he placed his hand on my knee.

“No… it just um” I swallow the lump in my throat “I just couldn't..”

“So you've never experienced anything sexual?” the curiosity in his voice makes me feel safer and know he's not judging me and is actually caring enough to ask and not just crawling on top of me and getting down to it.

“Nope,” I say softly

He slowly nods “Do you want to learn?” his voice goes soft.

“H-how?” I stutter out.

“Obviously if you feel comfortable enough with it, I could be the one to show you, If you catch my drift” he sends me a reassuring smile.

“Y-you would take my virginity?” I ask nervously.

“Only if you want me to” his voice trails off

“What about Nick and Chris? God that would be awkward if they walked in or something, oh my god I don't want them to think any-” he cuts me off

“Woah slow down, it's okay, they won't be back till like 9, and it's 4 now, we'll be okay kid” he laughed rubbing soft circles with his thumb over my knee. “Do you want to do this?”

I nod softly. “No this is important to you, I want your verbal consent that this is okay” he moves closer to me.

“Yes, please, I want this, all of this,” I say softly adjusting my body closer to his.

He smiles leaning closer to my face and softly pressing his lips against mine. My eyes fall shut and I turn into jello as I feel the way his hand that was once on my knee moves up toward my hip. A small smile creeps upon both of our lips. I softly pull away.

“Can we not do this on the couch?” I say laughing a little

“Absolutely,” he stands up almost immediately and picks me up bridal style walking into his room and kicking the door open as I giggle like a kid in a candy store.

He carefully sets me down on his blue silk sheets crawls on top of me and presses his lips onto mine once again making a soft groan travel between our lips.

“Can I take this off?” he says softly playing with the hem of my shirt.

“Yes” I bite my bottom lip

He smiles down at me and pulls my shirt off leaving me in my bra. He hooks his finger under my bra strap rubbing his finger up and down just looking down at me. “You're so beautiful. I don't ever tell you much” his comment makes a soft pink shade appear on my cheeks.

He leans down again kissing me and pointing his tongue out for permission to enter, my mouth opens slightly as his tongue explores my mouth, and this time his hands start to grab at my covered breast. “You can take it off, Matt” I giggle between kisses.

He gave me no response but his left hand held my lower back and his right unclasped my bra letting it fall right off my shoulders. He pulled away from kissing me and looked down at my breast in awe. “God you're Fucking beautiful” he mutters.

His mouth begins leaving kisses down from my jawline to my collarbone and stopping at my breast looking up at me through his lashes almost asking for permission without asking. I shoot him a smile and nod and his tongue licks softly across my nipple sending shivers down my spine. He smirks to himself attaching his mouth to one of my nipples and slightly tugging at my other. He sucks and nips at my nipples taking them between his teeth every now and again. My breathing gets heavier at the sensitivity and my head falls back as a soft whimper falls from my mouth.

He lifts his head up and places himself between my legs to unbuckle my shorts, shimmy them down my legs, and throws them with the pile of clothes next to the bed. He admires my choice of underwear today, smirking as they're unironically his favorite color, purple, with a tiny little bow right up top. He hooks his finger at the top of them sliding back and forth before sliding them down my legs leaving me bare beneath him.

“such a pretty fucking pussy” he groans out. he leans his head down and spits down onto my aching pussy. using his thumb he slowly moves up and down.

“Holy fuck” I gasp out.

Matt chuckles and moves his body down where his head is now between my legs. His thumb is still slowly going up and down he begins kissing down my thighs on both sides. “I want you” he places another kiss on my thigh “to tell me” Another kiss “What feels good to you alright?” he places a kiss right above my clit.

“O-okay” I say nervously

“And please don't be afraid to tell me to stop” he gives me a reassuring smile.

I nod sending him the same warm smile. He starts to place a soft kiss on my clit before flattening his tongue on my pussy and licking a stripe up and groaning once the taste of me hits his tongue.

“Oh, Matt” My breathing hitches and I throw my head back in pleasure.

His tongue begins to flick up at a faster pace making moans spill out of my mouth, his eyes are fixated on me and how my body reacts to his mouth pleasuring me.

“Fuck you're so fucking good at this” My fingers run through his hair forcing his head deeper into me.

He moans into me sending vibrations through my body as my hips jerk up and my eyes roll back. His lips attach to my clit sucking on it a little causing a squeal to fall from my mouth.

“Fuck i-i I think I'm gonna cum” I stutter out as an unfamiliar knot forms in the pit of my stomach

“Mhm” he mutters before lifting his head “Let it go sweet girl” he lowers his head again taking my clit between his teeth and flicking upwards on it.

“Oh my FUCK” I scream out when that knot snapped a wave of euphoria pierced my body and my orgasm dripped out of me making Matt move his body to watch it happen.

He wiped his mouth using his arm smiling “you okay baby?” he chuckled.

“Fuck” I breathe out “If that's why people are sex addicts I see why god damn that was amazing” I smiled up at him.

“I'm not even done yet” he smirks lifting his shirt over his head and throwing it across the room.

“Are you 100% positive you want this?” he asks as he stands up removing his belt.

“This is the first decision I've ever made that I'm 100% positive I won't regret,” I say as I watch him remove his pants and free his cock with his tip red and throbbing for attention.

He climbs back and moves me farther up on the bed. “Fuck there's no way that's gonna fit in me, that's fucking massive,” I say as my eyes stare at his cock.

“It'll fit baby” he chuckles “shit I don't have a condom,” he says rummaging through his bedside table.

“I'm on birth control, you don't need one” I smile up at him.

“Are you sure?” he smirks.

“Yes Matt,” I smile batting my lashes up at him.

“Okay then” he brings his hand up to his mouth and spits in it before gliding his now wet hand to coat his aching cock. “I gonna go slow, inch by inch and you tell me when to move, and tell me if it hurts too much I'll stop immediately,” he says aligning his cock with my entrance.

“Okay,” I breathe out.

As his tip slowly enters me I hiss. “Are you okay?” he says with a concerned look on his face.

“I'm okay just hurts” I reply biting my lower lip.

He slowly enters another couple of inches. Watching how my face nuzzled up at the new feeling. Then he slides in another few inches. After a couple of minutes, he's fully bottomed out. “Look at that, you're doing so fucking amazing,” he says adjusting himself closer to my face and brushing loose strands out of my face.

“Y-you can move,” I say nodding slowly.

He smiles before slowly thrusting out and moving towards my hips as the pain I once felt turns into pleasure in a matter of seconds.

“Oh, matt fuck faster please” I plead gripping his biceps for support.

“God you're so fucking tight” his pace speeds up as he lowers his body and begins kissing my neck and groaning into me.

“S-so fucking big” I moan out.

He rolls his hips towards mine and slams them into me. His grunts become harsher. “Fuck” he growled in my ear. “I love the way you feel wrapped around me” he moans in my ear which is almost a whimper.

“Matt” I scream out as his cock finally and repeatedly kisses my G-spot.

“Someone close eh?” he lifts up sadistically grinning at me.

I nod vigorously as my legs begin twitching and shaking around his waist and that knot forms in my stomach for the second time tonight.

“Cum all over my fucking dick baby, I know you can do it,” he said as his thrusts become sloppy.

With just his words that knot snapped in my stomach and formed a white ring around the base of his cock as my cum coats his cock. With a couple more thrusts he nuzzles his head in my neck and paints my walls a shade of white. He slowly pulls out careful not to hurt me.

“Fuck you're amazing” I breath out coming down from my euphoric state.

“Yeah? You did fucking amazing,” he smiles down at me laying next to me and pulling me into a cuddled skin-to-skin hug.

“Thank you matt” I mutter into his chest.

“No problem sweetheart” he kissed the top of my head. “You know I'd do anything for you” he softly whispers making me smile and nuzzle into him more.

“Do you want me to run you a nice bath? Or you wanna go get food? What do you wanna do, cause we got about 2 hours till Nick and Chris come home” he pulls away looking at me.

“We can shower and I can cook for us” I smile at him.

“Perfect” he smiles at me and picks me up bridal style again to carry me to the bathroom.

The way he cared for me, I knew I made the right decision. Losing my virginity to the man I knew I could trust.

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A/N pt 2: TY TO THE PERSON WHO REQUESTED THIS!! BECAUSE THIS WAS VERY FUN TO WRITE!! anyways i hope you guys are having an amazing evening, afternoon, morning, or night!! and i love you guys!! 🩷🩷

[secretsecretbunny]

Just friends: stray kids smau.

Part 1.5: The Rumor.

paring: lee minho x f!reader - roommate!skz

genre: fluff, angst, roommates au.

warnings for this chapter: angst, cussing, alcohol mention, assault mention, sex mention, fighting.

Notes: ⚠️THIS IS A FLASHBACK CHAPTER. PLEASE READ THE CHARACTER INTRO AND PART ONE FOR THIS TO MAKE SENSE. ⚠️

College. The origins of your friend group date back to your high school days, when you, Chan, and Changbin first bonded over your shared love of music and movies. From then on, the three of you were practically inseparable, supporting each other every step of the way. 

Come freshman year of college, Chan and Bin befriended Minho, someone they met in class, but your friendship with Minho began later on that same semester when you were assigned that fated project together. After you and Minho got over your distaste for each other, your friend group became four, constantly together and causing trouble, much to Chan's dismay. It stayed that way until the start of sophomore year when Chan started inviting his cousin Felix to join in on your hangouts, and then Felix invited Jisung and Hyunjin, and finally Hyunjin started bringing Seungmin and Jeongin around. Eventually, you were a close knit group of nine wild idiots.

You had always been a platonically touchy person, craving physical contact and intimacy in all your friendships. Whether it was holding hands, cuddling, or simply sitting close together, you found comfort in the nearness of your friends. As a result, your circle embraced this trait and soon enough, it became the norm to see you all piled up in a cozy corner, phones out, scrolling mindlessly or studying together. 

Halfway through sophomore year came the rumor. It had started at a party, most of your group was drunk save for Innie and Seungmin who were merely tipsy. In the midst of the lively party at the frat house, you discovered a secluded nook, packed with an assortment of soft bean bag chairs and pillows, which became the perfect setting for your drunken cuddle puddle. 

You were sitting between Chan's legs, your back leaning against his chest while he stroked your hair. Jisung was sat the same way between your legs as your hand rubbed his arm while you scrolled through TikTok with the other one. Felix lay on both of yours and Chan's thighs, Minho rested a shoulder on Chan's left side and Jeongin did so likewise to his right. The remaining members laid across each other nearby. You were all touching in some way or another just vibing, chatting, and giggling. 

After a while you started noticing people looking your way, whispering, laughing, and staring, but in your drunken state, you didn't think anything of it. Suddenly Chan sat up straight, lurching you forward a bit. "We need to go." He said sternly, looking at his phone, eyes wide, anger and concern written on his face. "What? Why?" you asked, clearly confused. Minho looked at Chan's phone over his shoulder, his face taking on the same expression. "What the fuck..." he whispered. "What?" you asked again. "It's nothing. Let's just get out of here, okay?" Chan reiterated. "What's going on, let me see!" you giggled, reaching for Chan's phone, he pulled it out of your reach. "It's not important." he lied. You pouted "come onnnnn, Channie." you whined. "y/n..." After struggling to get hold of his phone for a moment, you eventually succeeded but were taken aback by the unexpected image on the screen, making your face drop.

On his phone sat a photo posted on the school's official Facebook page. A photo of the nine of you, mere moments ago, with the word 'whore' scribbled sloppily across your face, and 'simp' scribbled on each of theirs. The caption read "I bet they pass her around like a joint". As you scanned the comments, reading each one, you noticed a common theme..

- "Ew. I bet those boys are infected with something now 🤢"

- "She's probably looser than a child's tooth lmfao"

- "bet she's had more turns than a door knob."

- "I heard she sleeps with professors too 😬"

- "wonder if she gets paid for it, I heard the two pretty boys are rich."

- "how many of them do you think she's taken at once? 😏"

- "at least she's hot, you think they'd share her with me?"

When you finally stopped reading the comments, all eight of the boys were looking at the phone with you, their faces reflecting a deep sense of horror and disbelief. Your eyes burned with tears as your face heated up with embarrassment, your heart racing and your mind filled with thoughts of shame and self-consciousness. Chan took his phone back and stood up, pulling you up with him. The boys followed suit, trailing behind you as Chan lead you out the door by your arm, guiding you through the crowded frat house with a firm grip. None of you even bothered grabbing your jackets from the corridor, the cold air outside nipping at your skin. It seemed nearly everyone there had gotten the notification about the post. They all stared and whispered as you made your way out of the party. 

Your group's steadfast pace didn't stop until you were off campus, Felix mentioning that his family had a property that they could go to instead of heading back to their respective dorms. The boys came to a decision that you would all take the bus there, the next one arriving in somewhere around 30 minutes from then. You hadn't said a word since leaving the frat house, your eyes glued to the ground, unable to make eye contact with any of them. Changbin had given you his hoodie to keep you warm as you all waited for the bus.

"Who the fuck posted that?!" Changbin finally snapped, breaking the silence.

"I don't know but I'm going to kick their ass." Seungmin chimed in.

"No one's kicking anyone's ass.." Chan growled.

Minho scoffed. "Speak for yourself, Chris." 

The four of them began bickering before Jisung finally spoke up "SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU'RE UPSETTING HER!!" he shouted at them. They went silent, looking at you with concern. Tears were streaming down your face as Jeongin rubbed your back gently and Jisung squatted in front of where you sat on the bench, holding your hands firmly. Hyunjin and Felix stood off to the side, scrolling through the comments on the post, attempting damage control by responding to negative remarks.

"It's gonna be okay, bug. I promise." Jisung whispered, rubbing the tops of your hands with his thumbs.

Jeongin stroked circles on your back. "Try not to let it get to you, noona."

The bus ride to the house was silent except for Felix and Hyunjin whispering quietly to each other while still engrossed in their phones. Minho sat next to you, his arm wrapped around your shoulder, holding you close as the dark scenery outside passed by in a blur.

The bus dropped you all off at the bus stop nearest to the house, but you still had to walk about 10 minutes to get there. Once you arrived, Felix punched in the code and ushered everyone inside. The interior was chilly as no one currently lived there full time, so the heating system didn't need to be on. Felix clicked it on and turned on the lights. "My parents were just here a couple of weeks ago when they came to visit, so there's probably still snacks and drinks if you guys want anything." He said, leading everyone to the living room. 

You didn't speak again until a couple of hours had passed, everyone submerged in their phones, most likely still doing damage control. You broke the silence. "I'm so sorry.." you whispered, though in the thick silence, it was deafening. As you sat there, your eyes refused to leave the torn fabric of your jeans, as if searching for an answer that only they could provide. Your knees were pulled to your chest as if trying to shield yourself.

Hyunjin spoke for the first time in what seemed like hours "What? Why are you sorry?" he asked, sounding almost offended. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I- I should have known how it would look to everyone.. I'm always hanging all over you guys.." your eyes started started tearing up again. "how many relationships have I ruined for you guys? ...you never date.. is it because people see me all over you? How long have people been assuming this? Was this even the first post? What if they-" you were rambling when Felix stopped you "Hey hey hey, we all hang all over each other, bubs. It's not just you and you shouldn't be putting blame on yourself like that." Seungmin nodded in agreement "Those fuckasses don't even know what they're talking about, all they have is sex on the brain, obviously it's clouding their common fucking sense." he spat out, arms crossed over his chest. "Plus anyone who thinks physical affection is only sexual surely doesn't have a fully developed brain." Jeongin chimed in. Your hands were shaking, something that didn't go unnoticed by Minho. "Take a deep breath, princess." he said softly, taking your hands "this is gonna pass, everyone will forget about this soon enough." 

But it didn't pass, and no one forgot. When you all went back to your classes on Monday, the whispers and stares were seemingly worse. Word had spread like wildfire and it felt like everyone knew about the rumor, even the professors and staff. It continued like that for weeks before things gradually got worse.

Guys would not leave you alone, all of them thinking you were easy and that they had a chance. They would get in your space, whistle at you, even straight up ask you for sexual favors. You even had to stop wearing skirts because guys would flip it up when they'd walk by you. Their behavior eventually caused your friends to get into fights. First it was Changbin, landing a punch to a guy who had grabbed your ass, successfully breaking the guy's nose. Then it was Seungmin, full on kicking a guy to the ground who dared to lift your dress to check the color of your panties. Jisung and Minho followed, teaming up on a few guys who had you cornered against a wall in the back of the library. Even sunshine boy Felix found himself in a fight or two. They all repeatedly got in trouble for violence while those creeps got away scot-free.

Eventually you started skipping your classes and began avoiding your friends. You even stopped staying at the big house and held yourself captive in your tiny dorm room, ignoring their calls and texts. Tensions ran high between the boys, they were always arguing and fighting, their group was completely falling apart and they hadn't seen you in almost two weeks.

Finally, after weeks of being ignored by you, who had suddenly become distant and unresponsive, Chan and Minho decided that they have had enough. Chan organized a group meeting in order to confront the issue head-on. Since you were still ignoring everyone's texts and calls at this point, Minho took matters into his own hands by physically going over to your dorm and practically breaking in just so he could retrieve you. "You can't just fucking ignore us like this, y/n! Do you know how worried we were?!" he said, his voice raised. You said nothing. "Chan wants to talk to everyone. We're going. Now." He stated, almost a demand. He threw some decent clothes at you for you to change into before basically dragging you off campus, and getting you an uber to the house. 

When Minho got you into the house, he lead you to the living room where everyone sat, quietly bickering. "Got her." Minho stated as you both entered the living room. Everyone went quiet, looking at you. "Jesus, bug, you look like you haven't slept in weeks!" Jisung said as he got up, pulling you into a hug.

Seungmin broke the silence that followed. "So, what, why the hell are we here acting like we're having some sort of twisted intervention?" 

Chan sighed, clearly frustrated. "I'm tired of this tearing us apart. This needs to stop. We're constantly fighting with each other and other students. Hell, Seungmin and Minho are one fight away from expulsion for fucks sake!!" he yelled.

Seungmin raised his voice back "yeah well y/n is just avoiding the fucking situation while we all fight for her ass!"

Okay, that one pissed you off. "Who the fuck asked you to fight for me?! Did you even stop to think for one god damn moment that I'm removing myself from the group to stop the fucking rumor!?!" you shouted. The room fell silent as everyone's eyes turned towards you, their faces etched with shock and disbelief. Never before had they heard you raise your voice, and rarely did you even show a hint of anger, especially not towards them. "Am I just supposed to continue like everything is normal?! Continue ruining your lives and reputations!? Having me around you only made shit worse!! Tell me, have you even gotten into fights with other students since I disappeared?!" You screamed. More silence followed. "Yeah.. that's what I fucking thought.." you mumbled, voice cracking. "Having me around will only make shit worse.."

Felix broke the next bout of silence. "but we want you around, y/n. We need you around." Now his voice was cracking.

"Our group isn't the same without you, sweetheart" Chan followed up, his voice barely above a whisper. "You're our glue." 

"I miss my smoke buddy.." Jisung added.

"I miss my noona" Jeongin followed up.

Hyunjin chimed in next "who's going to judge people and gossip with me if you're not around?" 

"Yeah, and it's not like these guys will watch cheesy dramas and romcoms with me.." Changbin all but whined.

"I mean I GUESS I miss you or whatever.." Seungmin grumbled, turning his face away to hide the tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

"Well, I definitely really fucking miss you, princess." Minho whispered, wiping a fresh tear from your cheek.

You let out a shaky breath. "What do we do? If I'm around you things just get worse.. they'll never stop talking about it. They'll never leave us alone. There's a new post about us almost every week! They're not going to let it go and if I keep going to class I'm just going to keep getting assaulted and you guys are going to get expelled for fighting!" You cried. "I miss you guys so fucking much it hurts!" you were full on sobbing at this point. "But what are we supposed to do besides drift apart?" Your last question came out as a whisper.

There was that silence.. Jisung was the one to break it again. "I mean.. what if we just.. dropped out?" he suggested.

Everyone looked between each other. "Well, I mean.. I'm going to be honest, I'm not even planning on using my degree." Chan said. "I've already started producing music in my spare time, and I know Bin and Ji are into it too, I'll have no problem building us a platform with it." 

Seungmin shrugged. "I'm already in the process of starting my own business, and people seem interested. Shouldn't be an issue for me either."

"To be honest classes have been stressful with having a job at Bean Artisan, I like coffee a lot more than school, I skip half of my classes anyway.." Jeongin said with a shrug.

Minho looked at you. "I've been offered a full time teaching position at In Motion Studios. I wasn't going to take it because of school but.. I'd like to."

"and Felix and I have money coming out of our asses, who needs college?" Hyunjin added, Felix nodded in agreement before adding "and my family really wouldn't mind giving us the house. They only ever used this place to visit me because I was staying at the dorms."

You looked at all of them, your lip quivering. "why... why would you all drop out because of me..? I'm not worth that.." you murmured.

They all spoke together in a cacophony of convictions, each one trying to drown out the others with their own certainty. The air was thick with the clashing of various 'of course you are's, 'don't say that's, and 'we want to's. You chuckled through tears as you heard Seungmin throw in a "who cares, fuck the system!"

"and we can take care of you, bubs!" Felix said "I won't even notice a shift in my account if I started spending on you"

You shook your head "No, no. If we do this, I'll find work. I.. think I know a girl who could get me into something that pays well.."

The steady rhythm of the clock's ticking filled the quiet space, emphasizing the pause in conversation.

"Sooooo, are we doing this?" Jisung questioned with a smile, looking to you for the answer.

The attention in the room shifted from each other to focus entirely upon you; every eye turned towards you like a compass needle pointing north - making this moment yours alone to decide what happens next. They waited patiently (and perhaps also anxiously) for your answer to set the conversation in motion once again.

You looked between them, your eyes jumping from one boy to another, finally landing on Minho's encouraging gaze, his pleading eyes and nod of approval filling you with the confidence to finally speak. "...fuck it. Let's do this." you decided.

With wide grins spreading across all their faces, Chan quickly rounded everyone up until they were enveloped within one massive embrace where you sat snuggly at its heart. "Don't you ever disappear on us like that again, sweetheart. You worried us to death." Chan cooed, his chin resting on your head as he stroked your hair.

"Yes, daaaad~" you teased.

As Chan rolled his eyes, his subtle smile gave way to the amusement he felt, prompting the boys to snicker.

After a few weeks of adjustment, things finally started feeling like they were back to normal again, albeit a new kind of normalcy that everyone had to get used to. With everyone now living under the same roof, you all began to grow closer and more tight-knit as time went on. More jokes were shared as well as quality time, and you didn't have to worry about anyone judging your group for being affectionate with each other. Everything just seemed to fall into place and you were content. Happy even.

The only stress you had was brought in the form of your newly acquired job. But that's a story for another time..

mlist || part two

a/n: hopefully this will hold you guys over until I finish part two!! Please please let me know how you liked this by liking, reblogging, or leaving me a comment/ask!!

I don't do taglists!

[writers-potion]

hi!! im working on a story that takes place at a 2012 public high school - the issue with that is that i was not in high school in 2012 lmao. do you have any tips on how to keep it feeling realistic?

Well, neither was I!! But here are some tips:

Define Your General Setting

Sure, high school has a different feel compared to an average town/city setting. However, it is still a part of the bigger community, and will be impacted by external factors.

What part of the world are your writing about? What's the general economy like? What's the most common occupation of the kid's parents? What's the prevailing fashion/art/music style?

Your teens will be impacted by the popular culture and trends of the time, so start by outlining the general setting!

Fashion

I think this is where schools have changed the most. There are going to be some overlaps between early 2010s and late 2000s, so if you think in the direction of Y2K fashion, it should fit.

On a general note, I think 2010s fashion was vibrant, with lots of colors and flashy items...

Side fringes and backcombed/straightened hair were still very popular

most girls had huge messy sock buns on top of their heads

boys had the Justin Bieber cut.

Jack Wills and Hollister were pretty popular, and a lot of girls had a Paul's Boutique jacket and a Jane Norman bag for their PE kit (or one of the Hollister bags with a topless guy on).

Converse were universally cool, and there were lots of imitation brands.

Open flannel shirt over a t-shirt was a pretty popular outfit.

Skinny jeans and band t-shirts

bright chunky rubber band bracelets.

Vans were cool among the alternative kids.

Getting different colours on your braces was cool.

Most of the boys had at least one of those t-shirts with the buttons and the mismatched cuffs.

School-uniform-wise, short ties with big fat knots were cool, and hard kids would pluck a stripe or two out of their tie.

Tucking in shirts was initially not cool, then it became cool to tuck at the front but not the back.

Lots of boys wore black trainers, and lots of girls wore those ballet pumps.

Girls doing their lips with their foundation, with a thick ring of black eyeliner and spidery clumpy mascara - and having a visible orange line where your foundation met your neck was common.

Multiple ear piercings were popular with the alternative crowd

Belly button piercings were big for girls

Just search up some pictures on Google, you should get plenty of "Early 2010s teen fashion starter pack"

Social Media

Smartphones were already popular, and with the introduction of Snapchat(2011) and Instagram(2010), the social media hype was just starting to boom

Facebook and Twitter were popular - basically everyone was on it

TikTok(2016) and Discord(2015) didn't exist yet

Pictochat

Phones were allowed in the classroom, but phones/laptops weren't an important part of school work like it is now.

Digital Devices

Phones-wise, most people had pretty basic dumbphones (although they were just called mobiles back then), and not everyone carried them all the time

Blackberry (BBM), Nokia, LG Cholate, iPhone if you're rich enough

Most kids were on PAYG phones, so you'd run out of credit sometimes (i.e. no more calls or texts) and have to go to a physical shop to top up. Nobody really had data, and there was always a moment of panic if you accidentally opened the web browser on your phone because it was so expensive. Wifi became a thing around 2012.

Nintendo DSes: Mario Kart, Animal Crossing, Nintendogs

iPods or another MP3 Player

Slag

Slang-wise, Urban Dictionary is a good resource.

Fleek, peng and YOLO were popular with some crowds. Leetspeak was a thing online, especially in nerdy communities. Emoji were starting to take off 

rawr" (or "rawr means I love you in dinosaur") and "xD" as a laughing face 

Music

One Direction, Jedward, Katy Perry, Carly Rae Jepson, Justin Bieber, JLS, Little Mix, Beyonce, Paramour, My Chemical Romance, Bring Me The Horizon, Black Veil Brides, Ke$ha, Eminem, The Killers, OMI, Gotye, Bruno Mars, Macklemore, Skrillex, deadmau5, blink-182, Green Day, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj, Rihanna, Lana Del Rey.

Fandom Stuff

Twilight was huge, then Hunger Games.

Harry Potter was everywhere all the time, people would go to midnight releases for the books and movies.

High School Musical was popular, then that crowd migrated to Glee and Mean Girls.

The Olympics were in London in 2012

Other Stuff

Reese's peanut butter cups, Marshmallow Fluff, Nerds, etc. 

Veganism wasn't well-known, but still there were a few

Lots of casual homophbia, kids jsut genuinely not knowing rather than truly hateful towards it

Here are some movie suggestions, that shows school like in early-mid 2010s quite well:

Easy A

The Duff

LOL

For YA Novels - Be Timeless

Before you start doing any of the things above, remember this if you're writing a YA novel: The key of this genre is to feel somewhat timless, taking readers back to their high school years no matter when and where they've gone through it.

High school is the phase where many people feel awkward, unsure of themselves, feeling special in their own head but knowing that they're not really.

And it's not like the problems just disappear when we hit adult life. A major reason why YA novels are so popular is that they address themes that are repeatedly felt by the general human being, often in a such a direct, straightforward way that provides vicarious satisfaction.

[lanadelray-gurl]

''My heart is, and always will be, yours''

Singer!Austin butler x Bandmate!fem!reader

Warning: Angst,fighting,cussing,hidden love,fluff,soft smut,p n v,fingering,biting,crying,falling in love(really a friends/enemies to lovers kind of thing)

Summary: you and Austin had started a band with a few other friends back in high school.You played bass and he play guitar,you both sang together. But what happens after you start to fall in love with him but his new found fame has gotten to his head?

You had always been interested in music,you grew up with it. Your mom played the piano and your father played the bass which he would go on to pass down to you,you didn’t have a club for music in your high school so you decided to make a post on your facebook(gosh you feel old looking back on this) you made a small post to your 20 friends on Facebook. It read;’Do you like music? Do you like making music? Can you play an instrument but simply can’t find anywhere to play? Well please send me a message if you’re interested in a music club after school at my house!’ You sounded desperate,,which was the case. See you always wanted to start a band,your dad did when he was your age and you decided fuck it why not! That’s when you met him. Him being Austin,at first you thought he was cute,he had nicely styled dirty blond hair,pretty blue eyes and he was tall. And did I mention he could sing AND play guitar. Yeah..he was perfect.

When you first talked or Austin he had messaged you on Facebook,you didn’t even know he went to your school! You barely paid attention to your surroundings in school,either writing stupid songs or drawing little things in your notebook. He told you he was very interested in your ‘club’ and even sent a video of him playing the acoustic guitar and singing an Elvis song! It was a bit old school but you sighed it,he told you he could pretty much play any song you wanted him to. He also added that he had a few friends who also went to your school who’d be interested. One being named Adam;he was your age and played drums. Then you had Johnny; he was a few years older and played rhythm guitar. It was perfect what could go wrong!

Apparently everything could go wrong—

Well not necessarily for the whole group,it seemed to just be you. It’s been a few years now,you and Austin had been posting your music (which was mostly covers of really popular songs) to any platform out there! And it gained a lot of traction,you both really enjoyed it,as time passed you guys went a recording studio,produced your own music,posted it and the next week you were approved by a big record label. You all of course said yes,you could see the vision,your name in lights. Well your bands name;Ecstasy (can you tell I got lazy) Your bands music was mostly sensual and meaningful. That’s how you saw it,but it started to look like all of the bands hard work was just a money grab for the rest of your band.

As the years went on you and Austin grew close,you were completely smitten by him. You tried to make all of his ideas for songs come true..even if they sucked. But he didn’t see you like that,you wrote the songs,play the bass and they get money. Which hurt you once you realized. As things progressed you noticed how at every show and on every tour he was with a girl or at least flirting with the girls in the crowd. If hurt you but you couldn’t say it,you had even thought about leaving the band or even going solo but you didn’t want to be selfish. You stayed quiet,Adam and Johnny took notice to your change in personality. Your once bubbly and excited personality had turned kind of dark and closed off,no one could tell what was wrong because you just kept to yourself if you weren’t making music. Sometimes you’d be pretty happy during rehearsals or before recording but somehow Austin brought your mood down.

He’d constantly bring a girl or two to everything the band went to. Didn’t matter if it was private or if it was just a casual hang out. It was to say the least embarrassing and you let it go on for years now. Why couldn’t you stick up for yourself?! God..it was pathetic. You just ignored it at this point,you were emotionally numbed at least that’s what you thought until your most recent show.

Your band was preparing for a show,you kept quiet the whole time. Austin noticed this,even thought it’s been going on for so long he finally noticed your change in personality. He grabbed your shoulder gently,you were grabbing your bass from its case you looked back at him and gently shrugged him off of your shoulder.

“Hey man what’s going on with you..?” He spoke with a bit of force. You looked back at him,you were wearing an amazing outfit,you were wearing a tight black dress with fishnets and combat boots and he took notice..when did you become so pretty? You had beautiful makeup but he could see your eye bags and just how tired you looked. You spoke,your once soft and sweet voice was now slightly rough and scratchy “nothing..just let’s get ready..” you walked towards the stage everything was ready for the show to start,Austin followed close behind you. Tonight was gonna be stressful..

You were nearing the end of the show,you played your heart out,so did the whole band. It was time for your biggest song. This is where you and Austin got really close and just made it seem like everything was sweet and beautiful but it was farm from it. As the song played you felt tears stinging your eyes.(listen to the song above now!!)

“Without shame..”

His voice was smooth and beautiful god why were you so in love with him? It hurt your very soul.

“Two outfits then to my name..”

It was almost time for you to join in,you didn’t know if you could do it. This song was about love but you knew he didn’t love you..and that was so painful.

“You’d end up in one when you’d stay..”

You felt your heart start to race,you walked towards the microphone,standing right next to him. His hands stringing the guitar skillfully. That both turned you on and made you sick. You wanted those hands around you but every other girl got what you wanted.

“We had no where to go..and every desire for going there..”

You began to sing with him,he glanced at you. Your voice was beautiful to him,and once the fans heard you sing they went crazy they loved your voice and something inside him suddenly felt connected to you. His heart began to race.

“I heard once..it’s the comforts that makes us feel numb” You both continued to sing together for the next few moments,your voice made him shiver and his made you wince from the pain from the heart break. “We’d go out with no way to get home..and we’d sleep on somebody’s floor..wake up feeling like a millionaire..” you both continued to sing your heart out,you both looked up and stared into each others eyes. You felt emotions take over you. Austin and the rest of the band could tell you were bubbling with emotion. About to burst whenever you were tipped over the edge and the intensity of the eye contact was what tipped you over. “Wish I’d known it was just our turn..(we just got by)..Being blamed for a world we had no power in..(but we tried)..” Johnny and Adam joined in for a few parts now,giving the song an angelic sound,but your voice seemed to over power them.

“You and I had nothing to show..(we didn’t know)..But the best of the world in the palm of our hands..(anything,darling)” You felt the tears fall down your cheeks,you were now staring to the floor trying not to let your emotions get the best do you,Austin noticed this. He felt a stinging in his heart why did he suddenly care so much..? “And,darling, I haven’t felt it since then..I don’t how the feeling ended..” Your voices cracked slightly,the crowd roared happily but your band knew it was a sign of you losing yourself to you emotions,Austin almost lost his breath. You had raw talent and hearing you putting your real emotions into this certain song made his chest almost cave.

“But I know being reckless and young..Is not how the damage gets done..” You continued to cry as you sang,it was heartbreaking to watch but the fans didn’t care they just wanted to hear you sing with Austin. But now that he kept thinking about you and your new persona he felt a connection of heartbreak with you but why? He maybe thought it was just heartbreaking to see you cry because he was perfectly fine..or at least that’s what he thought. “One time we would want for nothing..(one time we had it all,love).. We knew what our love was worth (when we had nothing)..” you looked up to the sky for a few seconds,your eyes locked with Austin’s once more. He was caught off guard for a moment,you noticed this and felt a since of pride but this.

“..Now we're always missing something (I miss when).. I miss when we did not need much..” Austin backed away from the microphone,he continued to play the guitar. You grabbed the microphone and stared to sing your solo part,you took a deep breath and closed your eyes tight as you put your heart into this part.

“Oh,if the car ran,the car was enough..If the sun shone on us,it’s a plus..and the tank was always filled up! Only enough for our getting there..” Tears streamed down your face as you kept your eyes closed tightly. You opened your eyes finally and looked around and watched as Austin came back to the microphone to end the song and then the show.

Finally once you finished that song you all waved to the fans and you rushed off stage,wiping your tears and sobbing as you put your bass back in its case. You wiped off your messed up makeup,Austin noticed this as he walked past you to get ready to leave on the bus back to the hotel you were all staying. You were all on the bus now,you sat far away from everyone,in the very front you were on your phone mindlessly scrolling socials. You felt eyes on you and you knew it was Austin,that made your heart squeeze itself.

Once you all arrived at the hotel all of you got onto the elevator,Austin was oddly close standing so close your shoulders pressed together. Once the elevator dinged you all went separate ways to your rooms..or at least that’s what you thought. You heard footsteps behind you,you walked towards your room and once you reached for the door you quickly turned around and saw Austin. “Hey..” he spoke breathlessly. You looked annoyed but mostly emotional he couldn’t read your expression. “Can I come in?..” you looked shocked by this,you quickly shook your head and tried to rush into your room “no Austin— No not just no,just fuck no—“ you scoffed and walked into your room and tried to slam the door but he stopped it and barged into your room. You turned to him and had tears streaming down your already redden and wet cheeks. “We’re talking..I don’t care how you feel (Y/N)..” he spoke with a bit of anger. Your eyes widened before you gave your speech,well that’s how would Austin described it.

“No! You don’t get to fucking decide when we talk..you don’t get to tell me how to feel! Now after what you did to me! Did you not see it?! Did you not see how I looked at you and hear how I spoke?! The way I made everything happen just for you?! I even put your shitty song lyrics in our song!” You screamed and continued to let the tears flow,using your hands to speak and put more emotions into it.

“Are you kidding me?! I’m trying to figure out why you’re so emotional and weird all of a sudden! I’m being nice to you! We’ve been friends for years and im showing I care. What are you going on ab—!” You scoffed and threw your hands up in the air before turning away just to look back at him and pointing a finger into his chest.

“I. Loved. You..ever since I met you I loved you. My heart was set on you and your stupid blue eyes and your perfect lips and perfect body..a-and and—“ you put your hands up into your hair and gripped onto it “you..you were just you and I fell in love with yo—“ you let your hands fall to your sides but before you could speak he grabbed the sides of your face and kissed you passionately but with a bit of aggression. It caught you off guard but you kissed back,you held onto his wrist gently as you both walked. You were walking backwards and he basically guided you to your room. He picked you up by the back of your thighs,her laid you down on the bed and continued to passionate kiss.

He pulled away from the kiss and lifted up your dress,pulling it off your beautiful body. Happy to see you were wearing no bra but a pretty pair of black lace panties,you crossed your arms over your breast and shuddered. You turned away from him and whimpered softly,Austin untied your combat boots and pulled them off your tired feet,he pulled off your socks and kiss up from your calves to your thighs. He pulled off his shirt and kicked off his shoes. He fell to his knees and kissed your inner thigh from the right to the left side,gently biting down on your soft skins. You felt your pussy clinch around nothing as the wetness from you core drenched the cotton.

You moaned gently and covered your mouth,you felt him hook his fingers underneath the band of your panties. He tugged them off,you lifted your hips up and bit your bottom lip a little too hard, you pierced the skin making you flinch. He looked up and smirked up at you knowing he made you crazy,he put your thighs over his shoulders. He started licking up your arousal,it was sweet. The best things he’s ever tasted,he sucked your clit and watched as you squirmed and pressed your hips down onto his face the best you could. He pulled away and rubbed two fingers against your wet core,getting them wet with your slick. With the two wet digits he fingered your drenched and aching pussy slowly,pumping his fingers gently while curling them up to hit that spongey spot that made you arch your back.

He went back to licking and sucking your clit,he took you for granted and he was gonna make up for it. Your beautiful body and your sweet pussy was everything he was missing,all the girls meant nothing to him anymore. He realized he needed you,only you that all he could think of now. You started to feel a coil in your stomach tangle and begin to unwind and get close to snapping. Knowing you were about to cum you tried to push him away but he wouldn’t let you,he pressed your hips down and licked and sucked faster but still at a gentle pace. His fingers working and stretching you out. You rocked you hips wildly “Austin,Austin fuckfuckfuckfuck!—“ you moaned loudly and finally came into his fingers,he moaned against your clit. You gasped loudly and whimpered,he finally pulled away and pulled his fingers out slowly.

“I’m gonna make you feel so good honey..I’ve neglected you for so long baby..I’m so so sorry..”

He spoke softly,he stood up and took off his belt and unbuttoned and then unzipped his jeans before pulling them down along with his boxers. His cocked bounced up,your eyes widened. You’ve seen the outline of it before,you knew he was blessed but seeing it hard and up close made you shake. It was long and tick,leaking with pre-cum,you did this to him and you couldn’t believe it. You felt years well up in your eyes and he noticed,he gently kissed near your eyes and over your eyelids. “Don’t cry honey..I’m sorry baby I really am..” you finally cried tears of pure joy and laughed as you wrapped your arms around his neck “nonono don’t worry I-I’m just so happy like..I’ve dreamed about this..” you hiccuped as you felt him pick you up and lay on down long ways in the bed with him towering over you.

He sat up while sitting in his knees,he grabbed your calves and put them on other sides of his hips. He pulled you closer,the shaft of his cock laid against your sensitive clit. It made you moan softly,he stared into your eyes as he slowly rubbed your stomach and smiled happily. It was a genuine smile,something you’ve always wanted to see for so long. “I should’ve found out sooner baby..I could’ve made you feel so so so good sooner..” he whispered,he held the shaft of his cock and slowly pressed the tip into your tight cunt. “Oh fuck aus—“ you let your eyes roll back as you felt him press every inch into you,he filled you up so nicely. His eyes were glued onto his cock sliding into you,his mouth hung open.

He had finally bottomed out,he was pressed into you so nicely you felt him grazing over your cervix. This made you cry out,he leaned down holding your little body close to him,you once again wrapped your arms around him and scratched his tan skin,leaving angry red marks. You heard him groan loudly into your ear,her was fully pressed against your cervix now in this position you couldn’t handle this for long. He slowly pulled out making you whimper before he slowly pushed all the way back it. You let out a loud gasp and you let out a choked moan,he raised up slightly and stared down at you and he observed your fucked our face.

“God your pussy is sucking me I-in I could cum right now..fill you up nice and g-good..”

He whispered softly and started to thrust,it was slow but it had a bit of speed and power but not too much. He didn’t want to hurt you not ever or ever again,he knew he hurt you so many times before and he didn’t want to hurt you in such an intimate moment. You hid your face in his shoulder and bit down leaving a dark red and purple mark,he moaned loudly. Now his thrust gained more speed and strength,he thrusted into you like his life depended on it.

He growled softly into your ear,he kissed up your neck,he left dark marks along your soft neck and up your jaw. He groaned loudly now. You knew he was holding back you wanted all of him. “P-please Aus..please fuck me..pleasepleaseplease..I need your cock deep inside of me..” You moaned into his ear and he gladly took your invitation. He thrusted into you wildly and roughly,she growled and grunted loudly and he looked wild. You stared as his face contorted and twisted as he thrusted in and out of your sopping cunt,you cried out and rocked you hips against him as you felt you second orgasm approaching,you clinched and sloppily grind against his thrust you couldn’t take much more.

“Is my baby gonna cum?Hah..—Hm? My pretty girl wanna cum on my cock?Fuck..—Come on a baby be a good girl..let me feel you cum all over my cock..god you’re so fucking right..” He grunted loudly and stared into your tired half lidded eyes. You nodded you head quickly as you felt your climax getting closer. With one last strong thrust you came all over his cock,squeezing down on his cock making him shutter and he gave you one more thrust before feeling up your warm cunt with his hot cum. He groaned and slammed into you. He stared up at the ceiling before dropping his head and staring down at you.

He slowly pulled out,watching as his cum spilled out of you. He smirked and let out a breathless laugh before plopping next to you and pulling you close. He wrapped the blanket over the both of you,as you both cuddled he lazily dragged his hand down your stomach and to your puffy and sore pussy,he gently pressed his fingers into you. Gently pumping into you,trying to keep his cum inside of you. You whimpered softly and snuggled your face into his shoulder.

“I love you..” he whispered down into your ear as he closed his eyes and spoke sleepily,he was getting close to passing out.

“I love you too..I always will.” You spoke softly and closed your eyes. You both finally fell asleep,you slept in until the late afternoon that next day and it was the best sleep of your life.

Hii! I hope you guys enjoy this little one shot,I finished this before my other stories so I’m posting it! More coming soon..



[saleintothe90s]

503. Fall fashions via Mademoiselle Magazine, 1998.

(these ugly bags were having a moment)

So archive.org is back, I can enjoy what few magazines they have left there again. I wanted to highlight fall and winter fashions from the late 90s when I was in high school, because I seem to remember fashion having a dark and heavy moment--but also shiny?! Keep in mind, keep in mind! that I was a fat teenager that had to wear grown woman clothes at Lane Bryant and Sears. I was wearing business clothes in high school.

Girlies whose moms made them wear long heavy denim skirts every single day found them suddenly easier to find.

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What album would Lisa be promoting at this point (looks) it would be Firecracker. Lisa is cute as a button here. She doesn't age.

You're gonna see this rouge color a LOT.

I remember the tape dispenser at Clinique! Man those lil doo dads at the Clinique counter always look so old, even if you're shopping at a fairly new Ulta.

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Here's more of that dark look I was bringing up. We wore very dark lipstick back then, but also sometimes we wore gold lipstick that barely showed up on our lips, ha. Those Maybelline eyeshadows were actually good for drugstore.

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We have a nail polish that disappeared off the face of the earth alert! Delux! This was all over my magazines, and I've never seen a bottle on eBay. I don't even think Vintage Dusties on TikTok has a bottle?

Also, things came in tins. Big time. I'm mad that Urban Decay gift set has the world's worst glare on it.

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See what I mean, that color was everywhere. Is Vassarette still in business? Last time they posted to Facebook was 2018.

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This is what I mean about the harsh clothing, lots of grey, lots of heavy materials. Lots of frowning.

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Teenage me thought that every woman who was successful, who had a good job, had this hair cut. I was a very small minded kid.

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I bet this smelled terrible but that is a beautiful color. My jam was the Hawaiian Ginger solid fragrance.

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My mom wore dazzling gold, the solid stick. She'd buy it at the Dillards at the old Coliseum Mall. More gold lipstick.

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Oh, this is the founder of Hard Candy nail polish!

It was 1998, but Walmart was still in 1995 with these shoes.

I don't remember what this style was called, but it almost looks like she's wearing a quilt and a random dog showed up.

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Let's bring back wearing huge sweaters with our prom dresses.

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I think we all remember this shade of blue being THE color.

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See, this is what I mean, here's that shade of blue.

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More metallics!

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Lots of different textures, lots of marabou.

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Everybody finally donated those skirts in 2009. I bought all the dresses like that gold slip dresses last year from Target.

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L'Oreal JetSet was my favorite polish back then! I rebought that blue-ish polish that Milla Jovovich off eBay last year and I'm wearing it right now! I treasure my Jet Sets so much that they are on a display with my Chanel polishes on my desk.

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Ok, I need to research these HARD Levis jeans. See what I mean about the fashion being so harsh and HARD back then.

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When you have to take your stepkids to the school carnival.

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Lots of patterns clashing.

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This is the far superior Healing Garden scent. The menthol one. The one I'd huff every time mom dragged me to Sears around this time.

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Oh I love a stocking stuffer page. I'm trying to find a photo of the Bloomingdales Taxi Wand, and I have nothing. Can't even pull up the old Bloomie's site on the archive.org. It was only $10, so it shouldn't be a big as I'm picturing it. *searching* I found the patent info from 1997. The Smithsonian has a non-Bloomingdales Taxi Wand on their website. (archive)

I had those rainbow toe socks in the winter of '99. I would pair them with the blue bumpy Adidas sandals. You're absolutely right, nobody from high school still talks to me.

Those lotions in the glue bottles are from Demeter, who is known mostly now for their Dirt scent or Play Doh scent.

Finally, there's Kenny. Squish him.

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[am-i-the-asshole-official]

wibta if i showed up to someone's house unannounced to get closure?

cw: brief s/a mention, kidnapping, stalking but not in detail 

ok, so I (30F) had a years long very close friendship with A (30F) when we were in school. close to us graduating high school, she met K (M, 31) and they started dating. K gave me weird vibes (he made r*** jokes and was kind of a fuckboy) but she liked him so it was whatever.  Fast forward to us graduating high school. I leave the state for a several months and an injury brings me back. A and I are still friends and I find out she broke up with K. She also tells me that when they were dating he s/a'd her while she was drunk (but she "didn't mind/it wasn't r*** cuz she "couldn't feel it and he was gentle"), kidnapped her from a party to "take care of her while she was drunk", and stalked her house. I was very upset and immediately hated this guy. But I also noticed that for some reason she was trying very hard to get him back (ie dressing up like one of his favorite youtubers (who had a very distinct and gimmicky style), dying her hair, just generally being...different). I have to leave the state again. 

I find out later that A and K are dating a year later. I'm infuriated and tell her I don't like him, that the thought of him makes me physically ill (I had undiagnosed anxiety at the time), and how can she date him when he did all those things to her. she tells me that he got therapy and that he's really nice to her now and that she's happy. she also tells me that her mom kicked her out of the house because they were dating (mom didn't like her either). Anyway, I tell A that I love her and that I still want to see her when I visit home / talk to her / etc but the stipulation is that K can't be there because I will probably be physically nauseated the whole time. she tells me i need to respect her dating decisions, but that she'll keep him out of our interactions.

a few years later (we're still talking on an off, but not a ton), i am about to leave the country. i contact her again and apologize for not respecting her decisions and that i was only reacting to the things she told me about him. she says it's okay. fast forward i leave the country, have to reset my phone, and in the process lose her number. i try to contact her a few times via facebook but she doesn't answer me. several months go by, nothing. i get the "read by" message though, so i know she's on facebook. i also find out that she and K had a "picturesque" fairytale theme wedding and i can only look at one picture before getting sick to my stomach again. i decide to cut my losses and let the friendship be over. 

here's where the stupid thing starts. since we stopped talking, i've had at least 10 dreams a year about her. i've gotten therapy (not for this situation specifically but i've talked about it in therapy), written/torn up a symbolic "letter" to her, blocked her on all my socials, made good friends, gotten married to a loving spouse (who is my best friend!), have a job i love, and am pretty happy now. and really don't think of A anymore. but for some reason, the dreams persist and make me very frustrated. they're always about us rekindling our friendship or me apologizing to her about things. i've tried ignoring the dreams, accept that they're just my subconscious processing things, accept that the subconscious is just being fuckin weird, etc. i've basically moved on from this whole situation except for these god damn dreams. 

now here's where i might be the asshole. i looked her up online because the dreams were driving me crazy. it doesn't have her cell number but it does have a new address that might belong to her. i'm going to my home state next month. i haven't talked to her since 2017. aita if i showed up to her house unannounced to verify with my own eyes that she's okay and happy and maybe get closure? if that's even what i need? is there a better way to stop having these dreams?  

please tag as "dragonfly" so i can find the post later. thank you in advance to anyone with advice. 

What are these acronyms?

[ohyoufool]

20k for 200!

In the spirit of everyone who has done such fun follower celebrations in the past, and the milestone I just reached (thank you for loving my ideas about these wacky little characters we all love??), I'm trying to write 20k total across different submissions YOU guys submit.

And, because I'm a sucker for chaos, this is specifically an alternate universe fic festival. Have an idea of an AU you think would be fun with OMGCP characters? This is THE MOMENT. These will be short pieces, written in order of submission over the next few weeks.

And just in case you're having a hard time brainstorming ideas... pulling back the shades on my AU ideas list I haven't written yet. Feel free to submit any of these or put your own spin on it!

The fun goes as follows:

Submit an AU. Can be from the list included below, can be one of your own ideas.

Jazz it up. Give me a song. A scene that comes to mind that made you pick the AU. A snippet of dialogue. Anything!! I want this to be a little bit a both of yours and mine, because I’m excited we’re all here to celebrate this fandom together.

Be following me, and submit it as an ask! :) <3

Submissions open until MAY 17!!

Window washer AU

Eel fishing AU

Asbestos removal AU

Ghost AU

Ice cream AU: Bitty works at an ice cream store and Jack keeps coming in and bringing different dates. Bitty catches feelings anyways, and it turns out that Jack has been bringing the dates there as excuses to see Bitty.

“Race 2” AU where Jack and Bitty get teamed up as a recently-retired NHL player and a food network star.

Sports AU: Any. give me a sport. I will write it.

Catering AU: Bitty is on the catering staff at a 5 star hotel. Jack is the best man at Shitty and Lardo’s wedding that he’s catering. 

Bitty is the PR person for the Falcs and Jack is on the coaching staff AU

I’m a night guard at a museum and you haunt the paintings AU

NASCAR AU

Space Bar AU

Bob and Alicia Assassin AU

Jack works at an upscale dude ranch, where Bitty is the celeb who comes for a getaway with his friends AU

Bitty is the newly elected President of the United States. Jack is the secret service agent assigned to him AU

Bitty!Angel AU

Jack notices slowly in little ways like Bitty always being in focus on photos and always smelling like pie and the ‘sunshine’ way that people keep describing him always makes Jack feel like the light on him is just a little wrong.

Mob Boss x Bodyguard AU

TV Show AU: The team is all playing themselves as characters in a Check Please TV show. Jack and Bitty are playing love interests. Horror ensures. 

Players in canon TV show but role reversal. Bitty’s parents were the famous actors. Gives a sexy chance for Bitty to have anxiety. Bitty looks at Jack the character and sees what is easy to love about himself. BECAUSE they are playing opposite roles. Jack loves him like it’s breathing. 

Airstream AU: Bitty buys a pair of hiking boots from Jack on Facebook marketplace. Bitty is doing the social media and cooking and driving for his best friends’ band while they’re travelling the states and hiking around America while he runs a cook vlog from their airstream trailer. Jack is a mechanic and failed motorcycle racer who sells him the boots. Bitty proceeds to text Jack photos of the boots accompanying him around the tour across the US throughout the summer. The vlog about the journey of the boots makes Bitty’s vlog blow up and go viral. The band starts taking off. Bitty (also their opening act), invites Jack to a show when they’re back in the area. Jack sneaks off to a show that he didn’t think he was going to be able to make it to and Bitty comes on stage and fucking SINGS A SONG ABOUT HIM. They make out against the airstream after.

High school musical AU: instead of troy and gabriella, they’re CHAD AND RYAN

Bitty the vlogger who has an ongoing series about how he has the criteria for the Perfect Date and he’s convinced that once he goes on it, he’ll have found the perfect guy. He slowly gains followers and goes on a date on a friend (Shitty’s) recommendation, and to his surprise, the guy gets ZERO of the things on his list. They fall in love anyways. AU

Rock band in the middle of the apocalypse. Yeah that’s it. AU

Politician and reporter AU

Wedding DJ x Wedding Party AU

Wild West AU

Band AU where Bitty is the lead singer and Jack is the drummer and they’re famous. Bitty has been in love with jack for forever and jack finally catches feelings. There is totally a gay angst moment where jack writes a song and it gets leaked  on twitter. So there’s Jack, in a backwards baseball cap with an acoustic guitar and IT’S THE DRUMMER POSTING AN ACOUSTIC LOVE SONG. sound the alarms. The worst part is it mentions blonde hair and brown eyes and it’s so about Bitty it isn’t even worth denying and ends up getting them together.

Witch AU where someone has a cursed item and is taking it to the other character, who is a cursebreaker, to fix it. (You pick who is who)

College track AU: Jack is an unbeatable distance runner and Bitty is the short and fiery sprinter who he can’t keep his eyes off of.

Speech and debate team AU

SECRET BONUS OPTION:

ALL THE AUs: Jack/BItty keeps waking up in different realities. He isn’t quite sure what it means. Based on the quote: “you don’t get what you want, but you get what you need.”

[hardlyinteresting]

College Aaron

Day 13 of the #MarchHotchness event. Find the other days HEREThank you to @hotchfiles for creating this event 💕

As always Request here! | Masterlist

I'm obsessed with the idea of 18 year old Aaron proposing to Haley before he goes to college. He's romanticized a future for them and getting engaged before he goes away just makes sense. But she's still in high school, and nowhere near as preoccupied with the future as him either way. In his dorm on campus he wonders why he's doing any of this. So far life is not going to plan, and the sinking feeling that he's failing creeps in.

I do think he enjoyed college though. It's the first time that he's free in a lot of ways.

I think he over does it with the drinking at the beginning but quickly readjusts when his studies start to slip. The fear of failure overrides the satisfaction of his rebellion.

In his last year of law school he returns to town for Christmas. His mother hosts a charity evening every year for the local church and schools. It's mostly people sipping wine and standing around the large house draped in pearls, and thinly veiled gossip. His mother insists that he speak to Haley when her family arrives. He has the societal duty to greet her and her parents, but as his mother keeps an eye on him from across the room he knows that everyone around them is expecting more. By New Year's Day they're an item again. By April they're engaged.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Aaron has held on to a lot of his university sweaters and tshirts. And he definitely wore them all the time in Uni. Like you cannot convince me that he didn't attend half his classes in university branded crew neck sweatshirts.

He grows his hair longer in college and enjoys rocking the very 90s romcom lead fluffy look. He goes to concerts in the city.

He dates a bit here and there but nothing really sticks. He falls a little bit in love with every girl he brings back to his dorm though. He learns very quickly that he's not quite sure he has a specific type, but rather finds himself enamored by different energies. College is a spectacular time for self expression and after growing up around monotony and uniformity he's captivated by dyed hair, art majors, writers, fellow law students down the line. His mother calls twice a month like clock work. He lies through his teeth when she asks about his extra curricular activities. He keeps up his grades, and he truly enjoys learning, but for the time being he's uninterested in padding his resume with elective sports, or volunteer time unless it's something he's truly interested in or passionate about.

College is one of the first and last periods of time where he truly feels like himself. He's lost touch with all of his college friends. He doesn't have social media so he doesn't see their Facebook posts, or their new Instagram photos. Potentially, he has LinkedIn but he doesn't go out of his way to search for the people he once knew. He imagines futures for them, remembers the years he spent with them, and he keeps moving forward.

[hairbrush9]

tumblr is the last social media that feels remotely social... remember when it was only our primary school friends? then outer circle, then university, then the whole world practically. I think after i lost contact with so many people irl I realized there was nothing pulling me back to those social medias. facebook , my first sm, was abandoned after early high school as I latched onto weird twitter to post jokes with my buddies and classmates. tumblr was a medium i originally joined to post gifs of pokemon and dbz, ended up making some good e friends over time - sad that most of them are moved on but hopefully for the better. Instagram was a part of my social media journey probably from 2012 - 2021 & IG was abandoned because of a combination of fomo & disinterest in my academic peers, and a lack of engagement with my posts. I honestly still wish I was as avid about taking photos/videos with my phone but now that I drive everywhere my hands are always busy. In 2014 I got really into media/politics twitter and it consumed my time & morale - ended up deleting for a few years and then remaking around pandemic times, only to abandon it again late 2021 after i realized the soul suck was still ever so obvious. snapchat wasn't a part of my life for a very long time on account of I don't really love taking selfies or communicating via images of random shit so I left that around the same time I ditched facebook for twitter. Peach was small and insular and was a fun place to go for a break from tumblr back in like...2018 or something? Anyway people talked shit about me for literally just being myself and hurting nobody so I don't care to return there (and my current phone doesn't support the app so whatever!). I've purposefully stayed away from tiktok and twitter alternatives because I don't really think adding to my social media is going to bring me any more meaning/joy at this point. just want to build on relationships that already exist because I don't feel insatiable on this front right now

[choicesficwriterscreations]

CFWC's Writer of the Month:

Lucy-268

Each month CFWC highlights one of our talented fanfic writers, and this month’s writer of the month is CFWC's very own, @lucy-268! We hope you will enjoy learning more about her and her work below! The writer is selected at random. More info can be found on the navigation page.

Quick Links:

Tumblr Blog: lucy-268 Blog Masterlist

1- When did you start playing Choices? What was the first book you played? 

During the COVID quarantine in 2020. I played Bloodbound and Bloodbound 2. Then High School Story. I finally got tired of PB/Choices asking me if I wanted to try Open Heart.

2- When and why did you join Choices fandom?

Because Facebook keeps track of things you search for, it asked me if I wanted to join a Choices group. There was a post about Open Heart fanfics on Tumblr. So I dusted off my old Tumblr account.

3- How did you pick your blog name? 

I am a cat person, but Lucy was the best dog ever. She was my Mom’s dog that mom brought with her when I moved here from PA to VA to save me from having to drive back home every other weekend. 

4- Pull up the first post in your archive, and tell us about it!  

I am an introvert. A lot of people around me overwhelm me and I had an aunt who always made comments like, glad you decided to join us. Similar to this post.

5- How long have you been writing fanfiction?

For choices, since 2020. In a previous life, I wrote Harry Potter fics. I wrote Hinny stories that are still available on fanfiction.net and Livejournal. But with few exceptions I won’t tell anyone the username I used then. 

6- What is your favorite Choices book, and what is your favorite Choices book to write about?

Open Heart.

7- Share the first fanfic you wrote with us. Do you still like it, or would you change it if you were writing it today?

This is the first fic I posted. I had an HC for Charley’s backstory and the brother she was close to, along with some of the brother’s friends. I think I brought the friend back in one other fic. At one point, I thought about bringing him in as an LI for Sienna. I would probably change it.

8- What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?

I Would Not Change a Thing. It’s personal to me because I know a couple of people who have semi colon tattoos. After I posted the fic, someone who has since left the fandom shared with me that she got the same tattoo that I gave Charley.

9- Do you have a fic that you didn’t expect to be well received, but it was? What about one you expected to be but found could use a little more love?

My first one was well received. The fandom was more robust then, and I felt welcomed into the community.

I think some of my Tobias/Samantha fics are better than others I’ve written, but because of the size of the fandom and the pairing (not Ethan), they aren’t well-read.

10- If you could write only angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why? 

I don’t often write smut, so we can eliminate that. I generally get more ideas for fluff, but I'd hate to not be able to write angst when the mood strikes.

11- Do you ever recognize yourself in any of your MCs or in your writing?

Yes, There are a few pieces of Charley, Samantha, and especially Maggie (I even used my grandmother’s name there). Even a little bit of Emma from TNA.

12- What element of writing do you struggle with most?

The ideas for fics. And dialogue. And time.

13- Do you have any neglected work you really want to finish?

Did you look in my google docs folder? I have about 100 docs in there. Some are saved in files labeled Sunday Six that I need to go through and pull ideas from save fics together. I have three artworks I either commissioned or won that I need to write fics for, including a cat T/S adopted, a winter fic for T/S, and E/C’s wedding.

14- If someone you know in real life (who isn’t involved in fandoms) asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first? 

Nope.

15 - Are there any writers (published authors and/or fanfic writers) who influenced your writing? 

They aren’t active in the Choices fandom much, but two who were very welcoming to me when I started writing were @openheart12 (who asked to be tagged even though she had never read anything I wrote!) and @anothermansjeans (formerly oofchoices), who did some of my first moodboards. Thank you both for the kindness you showed me.

@jamespotterthefirst - Your fics were some of the first I read, and I was so happy when you started to read my works. You are a true friend, and I feel blessed to have you in my my life.

@jerzwriter -  You are my go-to person when I need someone to talk to. I love your ideas, and I wouldn’t want to run CFWC with anyone else.

@genevievemd - You always find the best David Gandy photos. I admire your dedication to completing two series of Smiles. And did it daily.

@liaromancewriter - You are always willing to help with everything. Your Ethan x Cassie is great, but I love Maxenna. (And I still need to finish your original!)

@potionsprefect - I love Victoria as an MC. I admire how you have developed the personalities of your twins (and I’m jealous that I don’t think I have accomplished that yet.

@bex-la-get - It took me a while to find you, and I miss you now that you are on a hiatus. But I love your bookstagram accounts. I can’t forget to mention your cat videos of Percy and Odin.

@danijimenezv - Thank you for giving me the story idea for I Scream, You Scream. Thank you for sharing your stories of your vet internship.

@writer-ish - You always pop up with just the perfect comment or gif. I just wish you’d do it more often.

@a-crepusculo - Another fellow cat person. One of my favorite fics is your When It Rains. I love the idea of Ethan being free enough to stop and dance in the rain.

@storyofmychoices - Thank you for all you do for the fandom in general. Your writing inspired me to read both Mother of the Year and Save the Date.

@burnsoslow - See the above comment. Your Drake and Alyssa inspired me to read The Royal Romance, at least the first one. I was avoiding it because Choices kept trying to make me read it. I miss wackydrabbles, even though there are plenty of fic prompts around.

I am sure there are so many others I should mention, and I’m sorry for anyone I forgot.

16- Which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series? 

I would not change a thing; see question 8 above.

17- Do you write original fiction? 

I have some stories started.

18 -  What other hobbies do you have?

Reading, cooking, baking, and playing with my cats.

19 - What’s your favorite emoji? 

💚😻🤦🏼‍♀️

[noram-journals]

I'm going to be honest.

I always knew I was bisexual. When I was little I was allowed to watch two and half men. Where they had pretty ladies. And I didn't think the women were lucky but Charlie. (The main character of the show) But I didn't really know sex. But I know making out. And it was people who weren't me. One was either intersex or trans. And a lady. (I didn't know what a dick was at the time so I never had my brain show me that but I knew) I think now looking back that's when I was Aegosexual and bisexual

I had this friend in middle school she was a lesbian and so pretty with her ginger hair. When she told me that she had a crush on me I didn't know how to respond. I didn't come out yet and was "straight"

I started questioning my sexuality when I dated a guy. But I didn't want to say I was while I was in a relationship with a guy. Because I think he was pansexual but also homophobic. (I should have never dated him.)

I tried telling my best friend without saying anything and that was showing a picture of making the bisexual flag in a landscape

(the artist is Lavendertowne)

When my sister asked if I was straight I always just said "yeah" but deep down I felt like a part of me was lying to one of my closest sisters.

As I was trying to tell my family this beautiful trans guy. Told me they had a crush on me. Now I have a resting bitch face. And I can sometimes be rude but I try to keep quiet. They say they're scared of women. But they still told me... They started to be persistent and kept asking me out. I turned them down. But after a while I couldn't resist he's beautiful hazel eyes. And I nodded in the lunch room. But I knew I couldn't come home and tell my mom I got into a relationship with a girl (at that time those were the pronouns)

So I had to tell my mom I was bisexual my sibling/best friend wanted to come out as trans. So on leap day. We both posted on Facebook. I went to school and I had to keep my phone in my locker or give it to my teacher. When the day ended I checked my comments on my Facebook post. My aunt told me that she's proud of me and she has a girlfriend too. One of my sisters was high so they just put a shocked emoji. And others of my siblings supportive me and told me they were proud of me coming out. But... My mom didn't comment on it which kinda hurts. She's the only parent I have left and she couldn't at least like the post? I know she saw it too.

When I got home she wanted to go to the Texas Roadhouse because of the song and my dad hated it. But he passed too soon. So we went there for him. My mom asked me "hey Nor, do you want to bring your friend with us?" Talking about my partner. So she saw it and didn't like it or commented on it and called my partner my friend. It just kinda hurt a little...

The post btw

And then while dating my partner. I realize I'm Aegosexual. I just want to gather enough courage to tell them in person but I don't know when I'll see them again. So I told them through text. And then right after I told my best friend/sister and it's basically in their words "you get horny but don't want to have sex" which it's kinda like that. But after I told them... They stopped holding my hand and stopped giving me kisses. He also stopped making sexual jokes with me which I don't mind when they do it because they're my partner but my sister makes jokes about me licking their y'know what. And ask my questions like "you're still a virgin right?" and it kinda makes me uncomfortable... But I don't feel the need to tell her because it's not important to her. It's different from saying I'm bisexual. But the only reason I told my best friend is because they tell me everything so I tell them everything besides one thing. I'll tell them it when I'm ready.

So I don't care about what pronouns people use for me. Which would be the gender fluid if I'm not mistaken. But my sister gets so mad that I accidentally call them "they" or "them" because my sister was nonbinary and I started calling everyone they/them. But they/them pronouns are their for everyone.

Would it be weird if I asked for a bisexual flag, Aegosexual flag and a gender fluid flag for my birthday?

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #221

Have you ever hit an animal with your car? No, but in the last year, my mom hit a squirrel for the first time in her life while I was in the passenger's seat. I was fucking devastated, and so was Mom. It was either hit the squirrel or the car in the other lane, and the squirrel was panicking going back and forth so it just stayed in the road longer than if it had just run across.

Favorite ride at the amusement park? I don't go to enough of these to really know. I know I enjoyed the Ferris wheel the last time I went to one.

Do you have many followers on your Tumblr? On my main one I have *checks* 142. It's a rather small community (on Tumblr, anyway, they're one of the biggest international bands in the world) that I post about. On this survey blog, it's 21.

Do you tan easily? Absolutely not, I just burn.

Are you expecting something in the mail? No.

Do you inspire others? I cannot imagine others being inspired by me.

Are you healthy? No, I'm not.

Three things you try to avoid as much as possible: Confrontation, gaining more weight, and situations that give me anxiety.

Number of jeans in your closet: I haven't worn jeans since high school.

Do you follow fashion? Nope.

Do you have a big butt? No, I got that Hank Hill ass & I hate it

Do you count how long you and your gf/bf have been together? I do. I like celebrating anniversaries, so. I don't think time together matters much, but. I keep track anyway.

Rihanna or Lady GaGa? Gagaaaaaa

What's your worst interior design nightmare: Um... probably overcrowding. I've never thought of this. Or just REALLY obnoxious colors.

Are you one of those people that often feel sorry for yourself? Meh, not often. I think it's okay to sometimes, like sometimes you just get a really unfair deck to play and I think it's okay to be upset about it, but I think obsessing over it is a very negative move as far as self-care and acceptance of life goes.

Three persons you would like to thank: My mom, Girt, and the psychiatrist who really helped me get my life back after Jason.

Is your closet disorganized? No.

Do you like to cuddle with your S.O. or do you prefer your space? I am a massive cuddler with him unless I'm hot.

What TV shows do you watch on a regular basis? Literally only Naked and Afraid with my mom. It's our dinner thing if an episode is out, lol. I have no real idea how that became "our show" but it did.

Does it make someone a racist if they’re not attracted to a specific race? "That is not how I understand racism. Attraction can indeed be informed by one's prejudices, but on the flip side, there are plenty of bigots who are also very into the idea of fucking the people they're bigoted towards. Who someone wants to fuck is not at all a reliable litmus test for whether they respect those same people and the cultures they belong to." <<< I fully agree with this.

Are you happy with the size of your bedroom? It does the job for me, sure.

Do you add people you don’t actually know on Facebook? No, you have to be at the bare minimum an acquaintance that actually interests me as an individual.

What’s the longest you’ve liked someone without doing anything about it? Idr.

What’s the relationship status of the last person you talked to? My mom is single.

Think of the person from your past that hurt you the most. Is there anything you would like to say to that person? That I'm sorry for how I acted after we broke up.

Does your mom like the last person you kissed? She loves him.

Are you a forgiving person? I'm too forgiving and I know that for fact.

Who did you last have a heart-to-heart conversation with? Girt, I think.

Do you believe that there’s good in everybody? I don't think so. At least, I think people can become to where there's no longer good in them. I don't think people are born that way or something.

Do you use reusable shopping bags to reduce waste? No, admittedly. Granted, we always get our groceries picked up (employees bring our order to the car), so they're already all in plastic bags.

Where were you going the last time you were a passenger in a car? Girt was bringing me home from his house.

Do your parents have a strong relationship together? Hell fucking no.

When was the last time you attended a religious service of any sort? Many years ago when Colleen was going through an extreme devout Christian phase and I happened to be living with her at the time.

Do you think there are more dimensions than what we’re able to perceive? Meh, I don't think so. I don't completely reject the possibility, though. What do I know, if I can't perceive it?

Do any of your neighbors have loud children? I don't hear them, anyway.

What is the hardest part of your life right now, and what is the easiest? I think the hardest part is not having any sort of employment. I think I make it pretty clear I want to be a self-employed photographer, but that's not easy to achieve, at all. Not having a job plays a massive role in my depression, and for just being insanely fucking bored nearly all the time. Which further feeds my depression, and lately has been causing my anxiety to ramp up, too, because I'm so bored and understimulated that anxiety can just bulldoze its way into focus. Then there's the obvious factor to not having a job: I don't have my own money (I don't receive help from the government), which in our society, feels fuckin' bad. I can't help my mom (who I live with) financially, and she's deep in the fucking hole with money right now. We don't even have a working car right now. If our landlord wasn't who it is, I can assure you we wouldn't have a home right now. I kinda wish for my own sake Mom wouldn't even talk to me about this stuff because I can't fucking help. Uh. For the easiest part of my life... I'm sure SOME people would argue being unemployed, I don't have a lot of responsibility, but it's fucking hell and I promise you there's not a damn thing to envy. I'd rather be DOING shit and supporting myself instead of having to rely on my mommy for everything like a newborn. I guess in MY opinion... it'd be having a house at all? Mom and I hate it here, like a lot, but at least we're not sleeping in the cold or fighting for shelter from the rain. I don't even like talking about this, living on the streets is my biggest fear and it's just more terrifying knowing how easily that could be us. We were already homeless once, but at least we had people to house us. I'm in a bad mood after this question lmfao

If you are struggling with chronic illness right now, what are five of your worst symptoms? Anhedonia, negative self-image and thoughts, general sadness, lack of motivation, and existing in a haze sometimes/feeling like a zombie.

What is your favorite social media platform at the moment? Tumblr. I love the people I associate with there and I feel like it's a much more politically left place (yes I'm full aware not everyone is and dark corners exist) than the shit I see on Facebook and stuff. I USE Facebook more, but it's so easy to get pissed off there at the shit you see. I think Tumblr is definitely better at catering towards your interests and stuff. Like no, Facebook, I had no interest in seeing a proud-as-hell father and his son posing with bloody wolves they'd shot to look as if their corpses were smiling at the camera. (I might be banned from that page <333333)

Do you have trouble forgiving people who hurt you? I've always been too forgiving, but I've definitely gotten better at protecting myself and knowing letting people back in is not always a healthy choice.

What is something that is hard for most people but is easy for you? uh idk

What is something that is easy for most people but is hard for you? The most basic of social interactions. Being open about things I like, if it's not online (like I feel like that's a super exciting topic for most people irl???? meanwhile I wanna throw up).

What is your favorite color, and do you own a lot of things in that color? Pink. Uh... not really, I think.

List three things you have survived. A suicide attempt to be literal, asthma attacks, and homelessness.

When was the last time you had someone pray with you? hell if i know

List five of your favorite female singers. Sharon den Adel, Angela Gossow, Amy Lee, Alissa White-Gluz, and Maria Brink.

When was the last time you got ice cream from an ice cream truck? oh I have zero idea

Do you celebrate the 4th of July, and if so, how did you celebrate it this year? lol no, the U.S.A. can burn for all I care. Mom just made burgers and s'mores so I ate those and that's it.

Who was the last of your friends to have a baby? That I know of, Bethany.

Have you ever been pregnant? No, let's keep it that way.

What color was the last pair of flip-flops you wore? Mine are black.

Are you happy at the moment? Why or why not? No. I just haven't been lately.

What is one thing about your life you hope will never change? I hope I always absolutely adore and aim to educate on and protect animals.

How would you describe your journey so far in your 20s? Shit's sucked. Shit's been a rollercoaster. Shit's been frustrating as hell. Shit's been confusing.

What role does music play in your life, and are there any songs or artists that have had a significant impact on you? I fucking love music. Ozzy Osbourne and Rammstein are the only two I consider having had "significant" impacts on me.

What are some activities or hobbies that bring you joy and help you relax? Creating through writing, photography, or drawing, reading, playing video games, hanging out with my boyfriend, sitting on the porch swing at my sister's house with Mom and watching the kids play, watching a variety of YouTube videos, scrolling the Internet...

What are your thoughts on marriage and starting a family? Is it something you envision for yourself? I want to get married, but I don't want kids. I feel ready to move in together by now, but that's a very unfair thing to want, because then I'd be his financial responsibility instead of only Mom's. We've seriously talked about me and working and Girt really doesn't care if I never do (he's pretty fortunate with his job and he's probably going to keep climbing the ladder there), even though it's anxiety-inducing to him because he worries about what happens to me if he dies or something. But ultimately, he's fine if I'm a stay-at-home wife, which he knows I don't WANT to be and he very much encourages me to keep pursuing photography or art in general, but if that's how it happens, well. My point is though, I should really be patient.

Are there any specific skills or areas of knowledge you would like to develop or improve upon? I would like to become certified to handle venomous snakes, solely for the purpose of relocation if I know someone who needs to get rid of one. I'm very protective of all snakes, but I have a soft spot for venomous species since they're so quickly killed by people, even if they just SUSPECT it's venomous. Or if it's just a snake at all... I've taught myself to be able to identify all my local snakes (although I can't differentiate species of Nerodia, I just know a water snake when I see one), so I can guarantee I'd be able to recognize the venomous species that live in my area, and with certification, I could safely transport them away from where they could be harmed. I wanna point out that I would NEVER handle a venomous species with my bare hands; that ain't my jam. I would never go beyond a snake hook.

How do you navigate and make decisions about your career path and professional growth? lol I am not the person to ask this. I barely know what I'm doing. YouTube channels by self-made artists sharing their experiences save me

[rifki16]

Living with Him the Manga

Picture credit: https://www.animenewsnetwork.com/news/2024-02-29/toworu-miyata-living-with-him-boys-love-manga-gets-live-action-tv-series/.208135

As we’re just now counting days before the airing of Living with Him live-action on April 12, I want to review the work it’s based on, the manga. This analysis will bring up several big themes I found interesting or common, just like my review of At 25:00, in Akasaka.

Synopsis: Natsukawa Ryouta and Tanaka Kazuhito were close friends in grade school, after which they were separated during their high school years. When they got into the university, they became roommates. The manga, and the live series, zeroes in on the domesticity of these parted close friends.

SPOILERS ALERT DUH

Old yet still very much alive parted love

One of the most-used tropes of BL by Japanese showrunners is the idea that A had a crush on B when they were in High School or sometimes in the past. Then, for one reason or another, A never told B that he had a crush on him. When they become older, or when they already work, A and B cross paths, and B slowly falls in love back to A whose crush never died out all this time. This trope is used in Perfect Propose, Naked Dining, My Beautiful Man, and arguably, Minato’s Laundromat.

The use of this trope in this series is actually quite unique. In Perfect Propose, A, Kai, was very aggressive, and B, Hiro, was given a shock of reality and love when they crossed path. In Naked Dining, A, Mahiro, was quite timid, and B, Ichijou, was very oblivious to the situation so much that it took the show so many episodes until B finally realized A’s crush and his affection for him. In this series, A, Tanaka Kazuhito a.k.a. Hito, has a crush on B, Natsukawa Ryouta a.k.a. Ryo, ever since grade school. But when they cross paths during their university years, Hito was not as aggressive as Kai nor was, he as timid as Mahiro.

In my opinion, he was really about to accept that he was just going to be a close friend to Ryo. Ryo seemed not to even notice Kazuhito during the Middle School and High School years.

“We have not even seen each other for years”. -Ryo Chapter 1, page nine.

That statement by Ryo was actually false, we later recount that Kazuhito actually talked with Ryo, at least once. The fact that Ryo didn’t remember it just shows the insignificance of Kazuhito’s presence was during their post-grad school era. This was later affirmed by Ryo.

“…[E]ven if you say we were childhood friends, you’re basically a different person now”. -Ryo Chapter 1, page 14.

The opposite is true for Kazuhito. He always has a crush on Ryo. The High School era conversation that I mentioned several sentences ago was, in chapter seven, when Kazuhito had a horrible accident that might change who he is, and he asked Ryo about what would happen if you didn’t feel like the old you anymore, without revealing to him that he had a life-changing accident. When they parted ways after grad school, Kazuhito tried to calm his brain about his crush on Ryo.

“After we went to different High Schools, we had even less contact with each other. ‘This is probably for the best. Before long, I’ll forget about him, and fall for someone else. But in the end, that someone else never shows up”. Kazuhito, Chapter 7 pages eight to nine.

I suppose that I can argue as well that the conversation that Kazuhito had with Ryo when they were high schoolers also strengthened Kazuhito’s crush on Ryo.

This is how I see how the trope’s flaw usually appears. It’s just weird for me to have an undying love/crush for someone for so long without any reminder of said love/crush. Maybe I’m too pessimistic. In Perfect Propose, I think it was a nice work of drama fiction to hold on to a love for so long without any contact with your crush since Kai and Hiro were never friends on Facebook or Instagram as a mean to hold on to the ember so to speak. In Naked Dining, it's basically the same, but at least Mahiro was a friend of Ichijou’s grandmother. It’s pretty easy to say that maybe, his grandmother might say one thing or two about Ichijou, without her knowing that Mahiro has a crush on Ichijou, hence, the love can be preserved. Side note: I think in Naked Dining, they tried to paint Mahiro as someone who was community-oriented and even though he has a crush on Ichijou, his feelings have taken a back seat but not that far from the front seat, ergo, it seemed like the love ember was dormant until Ichijou showed up.

However, in Living with Him, the love ember was justifiably red-hot flaming when Kazuhito got reunited with Ryo. Ryo and Kazuhito still see each other until Middle School albeit maybe not as often as when they were in grad school. And, when they became high schoolers, Kazuhito had that very fundamental and inspiring conversation which he kept in his core memory, to borrow a term from Inside Out, that he can always replay during his HS years to remind him of why he loves Ryo. I think it’s a balanced way to write love, not too fictional, and not some precise quantitative positivist precise feelings. However, time waits for no one, Kazuhito might have his love for Ryo, and infrequent interactions might make people stuck on the idea of a person rather than what the person really is, which brings me to the second topic.

The perfect seme

This is also one of the biggest tropes of Japanese BL works: the perfect seme. From Mr. Unlucky Has No Choice But to Kiss, Cherry Magic in all of its franchise works, Love Is Better the Second Time Around, I Became the Main Role of a BL Drama, to the work which I have very mixed feelings about: Hitorijime My Hero. When I say perfect, I don’t just mean, popular, if it’s just popular, we have more examples to sift through. What I mean by perfect is that the guy is smart, sociable, athletic, and of course popular. In Cherry Magic, Kurosawa was this dazzling guy who was very calm and cool in every situation, very athletic, could reach the high notes of any song, and was basically the ace in the sales department. In I Became the Main Role of a BL Drama, Yuichiro was this athletic guy who did everything he could to really embody, get it?, his roles. One thing is true of being “perfect” in any situation, nothing is really that perfect, that flawless. Japanese BL works are no exception. In all of the works that I have mentioned, we all learn part by part how the seme is not really that perfect.

Living with Him uses the same trope in presenting Kazuhito. First, we know him as this very popular High Schooler who played in the national baseball tournament.

“I think that’s great. Even at my school, Kazuhito-kun is crazy popular.” – Ryo’s sister about his brother living arrangement during his university years. Chapter one page nine.

Even Ryo already acknowledged how cool Kazuhito is in the first chapter.

“When I’m close to him, his vibe makes me feel like… …I’m inferior and about to die.” – Ryo. Chapter one page 12.

One thing led to another, Ryo asked Kazuhito to a “pretend date” in the first chapter. During their supposed date, even Ryo couldn’t find a flaw in Kazuhito.

“His clothes aren’t too dull or tacky” – Ryo. Chapter two page three.

“He’s like the sun” – Ryo. Chapter two page six.

Ryo even dared to tell Kazuhito’s friends that he found this guy that he lives with doesn’t have any flaws.

“No… Just the other day we tried to find some of his flaws, but we didn’t really find anything…” – Ryo in answering a question of Haruna, one of Kazuhito friends. Note: this is from the unofficial translation. Chapter three page six.

Of course, the perfect man gets all the girls, right? This image of the perfect man is actually still used in Japan. I think before the manga reveals that Kazuhito actually loves Ryo, Kazuhito-kun was heavily portrayed as this pussy magnet by everyone around him, including Ryo.

“If you already have one now, let me know beforehand if she’s coming over. I don’t want to get in the way, so I’ll leave”. – Ryo. Chapter one page 16.

“I don’t think that was the case but, … I guess you probably wouldn’t be able to tell” – Kazuhito when Ryo asked him on his confusion as to why he kept getting dumped. Note: this is from the unofficial translation (UT). Chapter two page seven.

I think Kazuhito’s answer was very queer-coded. He was insisting that it was not because the ex-girlfriends of his had “high” standards as Ryo asked, nor was it due to one of Kazuhito’s flaws as Ryo himself found after the pretend date between the two of them when the conversation happened. Kazuhito was hinting heavily, I like dudes, bro. Well, not so much like that. That’s another thing that I encounter in many Japanese BL works. I think in one of my analyses before, I named this trope as “one is gay another one is still finding out”. A gay person announcing to himself or even to his crush that he’s gay is quite rare. I don’t know whether it’s an author’s way of evading the sexual orientation expectation perception or it’s just their way of making their work more “romantic”. Usually, the conversation about sexual orientation goes:

A: Are you gay?

B: No, but I like you, just you.

I don’t know the motive behind authors’ pattern of just refusing a character self-confessing that he’s gay, however, I’m pretty sure that the motivation is not the most recent debates amongst queer theorists that there is really no need to label oneself in a certain sexual orientation, as we all are just in the spectrum of sexual orientation and maybe we can easily be more sexually or romantically attracted to a certain gender compared to the others. However, this hunch is not backed by any facts.

Going back to the manga in presenting Kazuhito as someone who gets all the girls. To be quite frank, even though, Kazuhito never shouts to the world that he’s gay, he’s quite confident in his love for Ryo. One day, Ryo became quite sick after taking too many shifts. In his fever dream, Ryo would not let Kazuhito go, and hence, he brought Ryo to his bed. The next day, after realizing what had just happened, Ryo said, “If I were a girl, I would be falling for you right now”. Kazuhito replied with:

“… I’ve never done this with a girl”. Chapter two page 15.

Man, if that’s not rizz, I don’t know what is.

Kazuhito continued his story by saying:

“Every time I got dumped, they’d always say this to me: ‘You already have someone you like, right?’” Note: UT. Chapter seven page 16.

I can firmly conclude that Kazuhito wants Ryo to know that Kazuhito-kun has a crush on him, very and immensely delicately. So that not to frighten him. Which is why it was no surprise that Ryo has the hunch that Kazuhito has a crush on him firstly on this chapter.

In the next chapters, the novel tries to still present Kazuhito as a guy with all the girls. After Kazuhito introduced him to his friends, Haruna and Yoshieri, he needed to go and patted Ryo in the head, yes for the first time. Yoshieri said that she was jealous of how close Ryo and Kazuhito were, as evidenced by their physical public interaction. Haruna then replied:

“You think so? Isn’t he pretty touchy-feely with others?” Chapter three, page nine.

I don’t know what Haruna’s motivation is in denying an inference that Kazuhito might be close, not even in a romantic sense, with another guy. Yoshieri even elaborated on why she was so shocked by Kazuhito’s gesture toward Ryo.

“Even when we were dating, he never patted me on the head like that.” Chapter three, page ten.

When Kazuhito went out to have drinks with his coworkers, even they were baffled that he didn’t have a girlfriend. The conversation surprisingly never focused on Kazuhito’s crush’s gender, but immensely focused on why Kazuhito’s crush doesn’t like Kazuhito back. The conversation went like this.

Kazuhito’s senpai (KS): “Hey Tanaka-Kun, you don’t have a girlfriend, do you?”

Kazuhito: “Nope, I’m not seeing anyone.”

…

KS: “If you’re single, I’ll go right after you”

Kazuhito: “I’m sorry but there’s someone that I like”

KS: “WHAT? THEY DON’T LIKE YOU BACK?”

Chapter seven pages one to two.

Linguistic side note: I think it’s weird that in many Japanese BL works, whenever a crush conversation is happening with a not-yet-out, gay, or a guy who has a crush on a guy, guy the conversation easily slips into the gender-neutral pronouns They/Them. I observed this in My Love Mix-Up and I Became the Main Role of a BL Drama, to name two. My first question is, is it that common to use the They/Them pronouns in referring to a person in Japan? No one was ever fazed by the use of the pronouns, unlike in Western media works. Or is it just that the Japanese language structure is not that gendered and hence the translation from she/her to they/them was a heavy-context dependent translation? I don’t know.

Besides being the guy of every girl, of course, a seme is not perfect if he’s not “gallant”. By “gallant”, I mean, the usual chivalric, altruistic behaviour of a seme – of a “man”. You know, sacrificing what he has for whom he lives and sacrifices himself. Again, I’m not affirming that this is what being chivalric should be, but it is what many Western media works adopt and depict.

I have already written about how in the second chapter, after the pretend date, Kazuhito took care of Ryo’s cold and how he gave up his personal space in his bed so that Ryo could be accompanied throughout his cold fever phase.

After a night shift, Kazuhito needed to go through the rain to get back home. And it was pouring hard. When he got home, Ryo was shocked to see Kazuhito soaking wet. When asked why Kazuhito did not call Ryo to get him with an umbrella, he only replied:

“I didn’t want to worry you.” Chapter six page 19.

I think the manga was right in making, this will he realize? Won’t he? Trope a short period. By the third chapter, Ryo already realized that Kazuhito likes him. And in the fourth chapter, Ryo confronted Kazuhito to kiss him, in order to clarify what Kazuhito’s interest means for him, whether it’s romantic or not. The manga tries to show how gallant Kazuhito was again by saying that he won’t kiss Ryo until Ryo-kun is sure that he likes Kazuhito back, in Chapter four pages one to ten.

“But I don’t want to force you”. – Kazuhito. Chapter four page nine.

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“If it’s difficult being with me, just let me know. I’ll leave alright?”. – Kazuhito. Chapter four page ten.

I know it should not be something that we praise someone for just not forcing themselves on someone else. What I wanted to focus on was how even when Ryo wanted to test and offer Kazuhito a freebie, Kazuhito still insisted on Ryo’s comfort above all else.

This chivalric perception even extended to hypothetical future scenarios that Kazuhito made in his mind. This line always makes me cry, as someone who used to always be on the end of a one-sided love.

“Even if you fall for someone else, I will gladly pull out, but until then….” UT

“When Natsukawa finds someone, he likes, that’s when I’ll move on. So, until that happens…” Official translation – Kazuhito. Chapter seven page 18.

I think it’s a refreshing sight to see that, yes, the seme character is being characterized as a very gallant guy, however, to see that there is a line which he will never cross, it’s new. In many Japanese BL works, it seems that your crush/love is so eternal that you don’t really see it fading even when the recipient of the crush already has someone that they love. I mean, this happens often in Western media works, however, I have seen more and more works that try to rewrite this trope there compared to the Japanese BL works.

With Kazuhito’s feelings not being concealed anymore, things are of course not that dandy yet. Also, I need to point out very loudly that Ryo never really asked Kazuhito whether he likes Ryo-kun or not. Kazuhito just flat out told Ryo and Ryo already put all the puzzle pieces together before Kazuhito told him about his crush.

As we have established, Kazuhito has this aura of perfection in everybody’s eyes. It’s not as flawless as people’s perception. Yet, the perception exists. And of course, it has repercussions on how his now, conscious of his feelings, crush, Ryo, will react to Kazuhito’s feelings.

Of course, like any of the other works which I have mentioned in the opening paragraph of this subtopic, the uke feels inadequate in accepting his love. Even as early as the third chapter, Ryo already said:

“So why me? What does he like about me? And from when?” Chapter three page three

“I don’t know why, but it seems he has special feelings for me”. Chapter three page 12.

This confusion of what Kazuhito “sees” in Ryo even made Ryo-kun spiralled three pages later.

Ryo even questioned whether Kazuhito really liked him or not because Kazuhito never told Ryo-kun his traumas, like his life-changing incident for instance.

“Wait a second. if he really thinks of me as special in like, a romantic sense, then won’t he be hurting the whole time that we’re hanging out like this, too?!” – Ryo. UT. Chapter three page 14.

I think this is what made the manga a little bit bearable to read. Because, unlike Minato’s laundromat, the tug of war of whether I’m worthy of this gallant, perfect seme’s love is not just one-sided, the manga is not making me read all 10 chapters of it just Ryo being repulsive of love that he thought he didn’t deserve.

In the fifth chapter, we got a little glimpse that Ryo was actually accepting Kazuhito’s love, albeit for so little and so quickly.

Ryo: “Seeing your face as soon as I get up is not good for my heart”.

…

Ryo: “Well, your heart is made of steel”.

Kazuhito: “Is that a compliment?”

Ryo: “Yeah of course it is”

Chapter five pages one to two.

Kazuhito tried to pat or hold on to Ryo’s shoulder and it sort of shocked him and made Ryo retracted his shoulder a little bit. The same thing happened in Sasaki to Miyano, in a different body part lol.

We also got a little glimpse of Ryo’s acceptance of Kazuhito’s feelings in the sixth chapter. When Kazuhito came out of nowhere to the library to intercept Ryo and Haruna’s meetup, Kazuhito offered to go out with Ryo the weekend after, which made Kazuhito-kun blushed. After Kazuhito left, Ryo said to himself:

“What I said made him blush[ed]… and he’s jealous… I’m beyond happy”. Chapter six page nine.

Even Ryo said to himself that he loves Kazuhito too.

“I can return your feelings, and kiss you, Kazuhito. I want to tell him properly”. – Ryo. Chapter six page 13.

Ryo even repeated this thought in chapter seven while nursing Kazuhito after he got drenched in rain and became feverish.

“I like him. I like him so much. I like you, Natsukawa”. – Ryo. Chapter seven page 17.

Things took a turn of course. In chapter eight pages eight to 12, as Ryo was about to say that he likes/loves Kazuhito back, Kazuhito-san’s phone rang. Ryo got an off-ramp and his doubts made him spiraled again. At which Kazuhito noticed him. His chivalric disposition, which we have established, practically made Ryo stunned. Kazuhito-san cut off anytime Ryo was about to say something because Kazuhito wanted to just stop Ryo from spiraling further and sort of retracted his confession and wanted things to go back to normal.

Ryo basically became silent. Even he felt like the conversation that he just had was like a breakup. Ryo’s monologue went very beautifully painful:

“I want to be honest with you because you told me your feelings, but I also want you to be happier than anyone else on the planet. You probably don’t need me for that to happen. ‘I may be overthinking it, but we can’t get married or raise a family’. Even if that time does eventually come, you wouldn’t need to go out of your way just for me. But, despite all of that, I want to be by your side”. Chapter eight pages 13 – 14.

I know right? Who amongst us gay men has not had this monologue ourselves? Straight crush? Geez, remind me of my late teen years. That’s also a point, right? Usually, the monologue is reserved for our straight crushes. Why does Ryo have the same monologue for his mutual crush/love – who of course is aware that his crush is also a man and that they both live in Japan.

Thankfully, we don’t get to see their cohabitation with Ryo’s mindset that he needed to resign himself to the background EVEN THOUGH HIS CRUSH IS MUTUAL. Kazuhito needed to help out his family business. During that period, Ryo visited his family, and when he asked implicitly about his condition his sister, his sister in a slayed manner answered:

“I would be ecstatic if Kazuhito-kun liked me, and it would make me feel like the cutest girl ever. What good does it do to you if you doubt yourself even though someone likes you?” – Ryu’s sister. Chapter nine page six.

Ryo was given a second shot of reality from Haruna. Do you still remember when I wrote my confusion as to why Haruna was sort of insisting that Kazuhito is straight? Well, in the ninth chapter, he happened to be around Kazuhito and Ryu’s place and he went up to talk to Ryu. He was not perturbed at all that Ryu and Kazuhito love/like each other. In the Kazuhito-less apartment, he gave a monologue:

“… It’s not up to you to decide what will truly bring happiness to Tanaka… Why are you worried about his public image and future? Don’t you think a guy that cautious hasn’t thought about that already?” Chapter nine page 16.

I know. I wish I had a friend like Haruna. I’m sobbing as I’m rewriting his monologue.

So, all in all, this seme perfection trope is a huge and hefty subtopic. The manga used the trope really well in my opinion. In Cherry Magic, Adachi just became accustomed to Kurosawa’s perfection. Adachi slowly knew all of Kurosawa’s imperfections and it made him braver to face Kurosawa – well, as I have argued in my previous analysis, Adachi himself became braver as the manga progresses, and a combination of both in the end prevails. In Living with Him, we don’t really see Kazuhito being humbled, well, not yet. I think Ryo just accepted this idea that this god-like creature likes him, but not too excessive like in My Beautiful Man.

Miscommunication trope

I have been writing on this essay for far too long. And I think the second subtopic had most of how I wanted the manga to be characterized by the public, and hence inspired my expectations for the live-action series in 4-day time. However, I really need to write how this manga never really dwelled on the miscommunication trope. Of course, this manga still used the trope.

In the first chapter, I really thought that it was gonna be like Mr. Unlucky Has No Choice but to Kiss and Hel and I Became the Main Role of a BL Drama. When Ryo offered Kazuhito to a pretend date, I thought that it was going to be like one of those sitcoms in which, Ryo at first didn’t have feelings for Kazuhito, but during and after the pretend date, Ryo falls in love with Kazuhito. I know, it happens canonically in the manga. What I had thought would happen was Ryo kept asking for a pretend date, and Kazuhito being sick of being taken to all of the pretend dates. Thankfully my prediction was dead wrong.

The other two miscommunication cases were all just bad predictions of mine lol. When Ryo asked Kazuhito to kiss him, and Kazuhito refused. It made Ryo annoyed and insulted, but then Kazuhito, gallantly, clarified his answer. The last one was when Ryo found the apartment listing when Kazuhito was away, and it made him even sadder about his “breakup” with Kazuhito. Thankfully, Haruna shaman’d his way in helping Ryo confronting his emotions.

My expectations from the live-action series?

I think it has a better chance of resembling the manga more than At 25:00, in Akasaka. Ryo and Kazuhito’s attractions are such puppy love, it’s so abstract and idealistic, such a fit for a vanilla live series. I pray to the brightest stars that they actually make the Living with Him: Heating Up as a 7th/9th episode or a film ☹, as I said on Twitter, I don’t care if the gay sex scene in this proposed film/extra episode is vague, all I want to see is how they manage more and more of reality.