#It's also the only one given to gray from my memory

[frobby]

Ronaldo's character song has very fairytail ending 6 "be as one" energy

[samanddean76]

After almost two years of planning, I finally went to my first Creation Con. And what a joy it was. #ChiCon 2024 was incredible, not only for the onstage twirling of Jared across Jensen's shoulder's, (which I did see and will never forget), but for all of my obsessive planning paying off in the best way possible. Thanks to eBay, Red Bubble, and one dedicated woman at Wayward Plaids, I was prepared to go to the con dressed as Sam. With my jelly bracelets, the purple dog t-shirt, the iconic blue and gray striped shirt, and the brown Puma's (which fit me and I did indeed wear). As I walked up for the first picture, which was J2 with Baby, I went completely non-verbal, which was slightly problematic as I needed to at least be able to say hello to them. But one of the fellow con goers had suggested I take the shoe off and have it in my hand, which I did. And Jared, being the incredible human that he is, gave me the biggest smile, took the shoe from me, and remarked that it was the real one. All I could do was smile and nod as words were completely gone. He then commented on both shirts, and as I had apparently forgotten pictures needed to be taken, he turned me around so that I was facing the camera. It was then that I remembered what I had also forgotten to do, and turned to give a huge smile to Jensen, who smiled back, said hi, and I am quite certain I melted a little. They pulled me in for a double one-sided hug, and Chris took the picture. Which turned out better than I had hoped it might. Standing between J2, wearing one shoe, and having one socked foot on display.

The next day, I had the J2 inside photo op, and as I was a little less terrified, I actually managed a few words, or more specifically, a request. I walked up to Jensen and asked if I could please have a double squish hug. The man smiled at me and said, "Sure thing, darlin'." In his amazing soft Texas drawl, and I ended up getting my second amazing photo of the con. While I never would have known without getting the digital copies of the pictures that feature the uncropped versions, I was ever so glad that I had spent the extra ten bucks. Because I was given this incredible gift...

His foot, up on the toes, just tickles me. Plus, the actual squish hug was amazing! Last but not least, was the photo that I had planned everything around. My version of Sam meeting Jared and getting a hug. It was the third time that he had seen me, and I might have stood out a little. I walked up, grinning like a loon, and asked for a hug, please. He said, "I love your outfit, darlin'", and then pulled me in.

For me, this was an amazing highlight. For Jared to have actually seen me. For him to have noticed all that I had done and all the effort I had put forth, it gave me such joy. And while I may never go to another con, the memories from this one will keep me smiling for years to come.

[thecousinsdangereux]

i just recently discovered your soulmate au and i loves it so much. so incredibly intriguing and well written and damn is it hot 🔥 thanks so much for sharing with us. in your mind, does it have a happy ending for them?

also wanted to ask if you'll be checking in to see the big warrior nun announcement coming tomorrow?

Ahhhh thank you! This ask is kind of tragic now given how everything with Warrior Nun ended up going, but I thought I'd use it as a way to share my ideas for the rest of a beggar in the morning, if anyone is interested in learning how it was going to go. Long story short, it was going to have a happy ending. :)

Here's a full outline for what I had in mind for the second half of the fic. Under the cut because it's very detailed in the parts that I'd started writing. Also in case anyone cares about spoilers? At the moment, I don't plan on finishing this fic, but I do plan on returning to writing in general, so guess there's a non-zero chance that I could come back to it. Stranger things have happened.

Beatrice keeps looking for the recipient of the Letter she's been trying to deliver and starts taking trips out into the countryside. She takes Ava's advice and takes to enjoying the journey - stopping into small cafes for lunch rather than eating in the car, taking the long way when it means she can enjoy a new view, etc.

During one of these side quests, she's told about a man who lives way off in the middle of nowhere who has the last name of Reis (the last name of the Letter recipient: Lara Reis), and she tracks him down. He had a sister who had a child with someone who was not her Match. I wanted to go more into what this looks like (and how the church is still anti-abortion in this world, because they think this could potentially ruin a future match, cue eye-roll) but in this case, the woman was basically run out of town. The man directs Beatrice to an orphanage where the child was raised.

This trail eventually goes cold because the orphanage has no records of the girl. They only know she left when she became of age.

The end of chapter six is basically Beatrice being frustrated and taking some 'advice' from Lilith to find someone to fuck hfkjshlk so she goes to the bar and ohhh nooo Ava is working that night, filling in for someone. Ava gets jealous, Bea does some shots, and it's basically a rehash of the lemon drop scene from the show, but hornier. Eventually, they make out, and decide to be friends with benefits.

Chapter 7 was honestly just going to be porn. lol. It's actually some of the first stuff I wrote for this fic - just a page of porn. Beggar came out of a Secret Santa fic exchange, and my friend Alex asked for lots of sex and a soulmate au. So... Chapter 7 was the payoff (part 2). Here's a few disjointed scenes, in case anyone is interested in reading some unedited very E-rated stuff.

A few months go by and all the nuns visit Beatrice for her bday and they're like huh so what's going on here and Beatrice has to pretend that it's not that serious with Ava (lol). I also wanted to do a conversation between Shannon and Beatrice where Shannon talks about the whole Mary thing and loving someone against the will of god (or at the very least, in the very gray areas).

The end of chapter seven is Ava finally talking about her past, which is that Ava doesn't remember hers. She woke up in a hospital without her memories and then spent the next decade traveling around trying to find something that felt like home.

In chapter 8, a lot of time passes, and the fucking continues. Beatrice is kind of losing it, poor girl.

I hadn't exactly decided what was going to happen next, but Ava was going to overstep in some way (or in some perceived way) and Beatrice was going to panic. Either Beatrice was going to have a brief thought about being in love, they were going to have reallyyyy soft sex, or something like that, but either way, Beatrice was going to have to admit she has deeper feelings for Ava than what's allowed allowed, so she goes back to Spain and ignores Ava's texts/calls/etc.

Eventually she realizes she owes Ava closure. She comes back and kind of explains why she's reacted the way she has. She gets more into why she joined the church and it's not for God or the Church itself, but because she does genuinely believe that love itself is holy. She admits she's falling in love with Ava, but she can't break her vows. She believes giving into her feelings would be putting herself above the whole history of love... the sanctity of the entire universe... and to be that selfish would be monstrous.

There's a callback to their early game of three questions, and how Ava still owes Beatrice one answer. Beatrice nearly asks if Ava loves her, but pulls back because she's scared of the answer. They basically break up, but Ava tells Bea to let her know when she's ready to ask her last question.

Beatrice takes it HARD. She buries herself in her work and starts visiting hospitals in various towns. She finds a Spanish doctor and he recognizes the number (or rather, the system behind the number) that is on Letter Beatrice is still trying to deliver. He tells Beatrice she's not looking for a hospital in Portugal, but rather in Spain - one in a small town in Andalusia. He mentions a patient who was in a coma, who woke up without her memories.

At this point, Beatrice obviously knows and she flies to Spain in daze. She visits the hospital, gives them the number, and asks for the name of the patient. When they'd brought the girl in, no one knew where she came from, she didn't have an ID, memories, etc. Nothing except for an old receipt from a restaurant in Portugal. ("Beatrice braces herself for what she already knows, but doesn't want to face.") The nurse at the hospital tells her they used a generic Portuguese name for the girl and it stuck: Ava Silva.

Beatrice visits Cat's Cradle because what else is she supposed to do? How is she supposed to deliver this Letter to Ava, who she's obviously in love with. She talks with Mary and we get the other side of the whole Mary/Shannon thing, and Mary is kind of like, okay, the Letters matter but they don't Matter. Beatrice asks Mary what she would do if she got a Letter (since Mary isn't a nun and could get one, but Shannon never could) and Mary basically says she would throw it away without opening it because she wouldn't want to give Shannon a reason to go self-sacrificial.

Of course, Beatrice doesn't really think this is her call to make. She's going to deliver Ava's Letter. There's this whole scene of her very dramatically and angstily getting ready for the delivery in the Official White Habit, then walking through the town she's come to associate so completely with Ava. And chapter 9 ends.

When Beatrice walks through the doors of the bar, Ava looks up, but doesn't seem surprised, even says 'oh, finally', which is pretty much the last thing that Beatrice expected, but then again, maybe it should have been the first, because Ava is always surprising her, and shouldn't she expect it by now? She asks Ava if she'd known that she was the person Beatrice had been trying to deliver to all along and Ava looks confused at this, like she hadn't considered that at all. "It's not that. I just knew my Letter would be coming because I'd already met you."

Beatrice is like, no no no. That's not how this works. It can't be me. I've been carrying this Letter with me this whole time - before I met you - and the Letters are only sent to a person when they've met their soulmate. And obviously, Beatrice is a nun and can't have a soulmate, etc. etc.

And then Ava says something like this: “Maybe every once in a while, God -- or the universe or whatever it is -- knows that it’ll be really hard to make two people meet organically, so it fudges the rules a little bit. Makes one girl a nun, makes another one hard to find, and sets up the dominos really early on."

And when Beatrice says she's being ridiculous/it's impossible, she says, "I know what’s in that letter. It’s you. I don’t need to open it to know it's you." and "Maybe it’s like some people say and god arranged it all. Fine. Then god chose me for you. Simple. He made me in this exact way, down to my hands and toes and whatever, so that I was perfect for his favorite creation in all of the universe. Because that has to be you."

And: "Or maybe it’s like what those other people say. You know - the past lives reincarnation stuff. Fine, then in our first lives we fell in love and then I found you in the second and third and the five hundredth. I found you and I picked you and I wanted you every time. Or okay, fine, maybe it’s what the the pseudo science people say. Even if those guys are right, I still know. It’s you because at the very start of the universe - at the very beginning of everything - we were the first two bits of something. The first two tiny little sparks. One of those was you and one of them was me. And even when we split off into a million trillion billion infinite pieces, the core of one was you. And the other one was me."

And: "In every religion or in any theory, the world exists so that I can find you again, and the world will do whatever it takes - bend the rules in whatever way - to make sure that at the exact right time, we would meet. And maybe it wasn’t perfect - maybe it was stupid hard for us to get to this point - maybe there was an easier way to make it happen - but I don’t care. Because it worked and I found you and I fell in love with you and I would do anything for that. So yeah. This Letter is telling me that I’m for you. That’s easy. It’s not faith. It’s just a fact.

And: "Besides, whatever’s on that paper? It’s going to be you. If it’s a picture of a butterfly, then it’s going to be you because of that time we went to the dam and one landed on your hand and you said “isn’t the world beautiful?” and that’s when I knew I loved you for the very first time. If it’s the notes to the first bar in At Last, then it’s you, because we used to play it all the time in the bar and I always thought it was fucking stupid to think you'd know like that right away, before everything, but it was the song that played in my head anyways when you walked in the bar that first night. There she is, I sort of thought, a dream that I can speak to."

"It could be any single word or phrase or letter and it would be you, because I love you and I love you so much I see you in every part of this entire world. I love you and I want to keep you with me always, and so you’re always there in my thoughts, slipping over and into everything else and I love it. It makes me love everything I see a little bit more, because it reminds me of you. It makes the world more beautiful."

"So, no offense, but I don't really give a fuck about the Letter. I already know it's going to be you. But I think you need to see it. So you know you’re not as selfish as you think you are."

And Beatrice admits that she wants to be with Ava anyways. Even if it makes her selfish. (Even if it makes her heretical.) Love is holy and what she feels for Ava is holy too, even if it's a sort of holy no one else will ever understand.

I went back and forth about whether they actually SHOULD open the Letter. lol. But I think I eventually settled on that they should, and that when Ava does open it, it's a blank page with like, 7 little dots and Beatrice is like??????????????? But Ava recognizes it instantly and it's the freckles on Beatrice's cheeks, the ones she's always tracing, and she does that again, following the ink on the paper.

Beatrice had been ready to give up her religion for Ava, so getting to keep it, maybe, suddenly is a LOT. She can't quite believe something divine would do something like this for her. But maybe she can believe that something divine would do something like this for Ava.

Later, I wanted Beatrice to have a conversation with Mother Superion. I thought it would be interesting to get into the philosophical bits of it. To debate if Ava could actually be right in her ideas about how this could be, and still fit into what they know about god/Letters/religion. I liked the idea of the conversation ending with neither of them really knowing, and Mother S being like, look girl, you'll never know for sure, but that sounds like faith to me. And Beatrice says no, no this is different, capital F Faith is for the divine. This is just trusting that Ava isn't lying about the freckles thing, or won't get tired of me, or won't find someone else. Etc etc etc. because it's panicking time for Beatrice, suddenly. And Mother Superion just raps her knuckles sort of in the most gentle way she can manage and says "That's love, Beatrice." in the way way someone might say "That's pussy, babe."

Beatrice does leave the church (though she eventually goes back to 'consulting' kind of like Mary). And when she does actually physically leave as well, Ava is waiting outside on a bench. Beatrice asks why she didn't just come inside, and she says something about being a little afraid of churches these days. She did steal god's favorite, after all.

And then they walk off into the sunset, with Beatrice being like wait a second, I thought you said this was all God's plan. And Ava shrugs and says that she would never willingly give Beatrice up, so god might come to her senses and change her mind.

I was going to end it there, but I did consider doing an epilogue as well. Early on in planning I had this idea where, years later, all the nuns regularly come over to the Silvas (because Ava does keep her 'second' name, though she does start to learn more about the Reis family, and meets her Uncle - the dude Beatrice learned about the orphanage from). And on one of these occasions, the nuns are all in white, and they're delivering Beatrice's Letter, which is addressed to Beatrice Silva. In the end, I decided against this, because I liked leaving it more open-ended, but nothing had been set in stone at this point, of course.

So yeah, that was going to be a beggar in the morning. lol. I plotted most of it out before I even started writing, because it wasn't the sort of story you could make up as you went and still tell it well. And I did want to tell the story well! There's a part of me that's sad that I wasn't able to, but I do think it was worth writing what I did. I really loved seeing people realize that Lara was Ava, even as early as chapter 5! And I also loved people coming up with theories about how Avatrice would be endgame. Some of them were honestly really good and maybe better than mine fhdskjhfd I had one person be like PLEASE let Ava's Letter be for someone else so they can metaphorically spit in god's face and honestly that was valid.

I don't know if anyone is going to bother to read this very, very long reply to an ask that doesn't actually ask for any of this, but it honestly just feels nice to put all these ideas together and 'complete' the story. Even if I've done it in the most half-assed way possible I am so sorry fhadskjlfhldsj

[aestherin]

privacy

37: it's all yours

NOTE a gift from me 🤍 a long chapter. thank you for waiting!! 🤍

This is surely a nightmare.

You swore you could cry from the sheer feeling of dread alone.

'What the actual fuck is this? Why are we here? Hello? What is this? This is surely the wrong stop. I wanna scream. Why here oh my god?'

Even though you were still inside your manager's car, it was visible how gray the skies were. Rain wasn't present, at least not yet, but the clouds looked so heavy, as if they were carrying a heavy burden.

They looked just about ready to burst.

You found it laughable, how even the heavens above seemed to reflect how you were feeling.

Your manager took the liberty of opening your car door for you, mainly because you were taking too long. "Get off."

You looked up at her, holding tightly to your seatbelt and refusing to let go.

"I don't wanna get out."

"Why are we here in this haunting place anyway?" You forced a smile, which she returned with a suspicious one. "I told you, didn't I? The CEO of Cypressus wants to meet you."

"Here?"

"Why else would we be here?" She questioned back, now also removing your seatbelt for you. "If you don't get out, we would be late for our appointment. That's not a good impression to make for a VIP, [Name]."

"Why are we meeting at Ayato's family house?" You cried out.

"Oh, this is his house? I didn't know. I just followed the address their CEO gave me."

This is eerie. Something about this is not right. Why —

"Stop thinking. Clear your mind, we have someone to meet."

The immense friction between the ground and your shoes (caused by your manager literally dragging you) can be heard, aside from you and your companion's quick banters. Well, it was actually mostly you crying out questions and her attempting to make you shut up.

Going through the short path on the way to the estate's gate, you noticed that barely anything has changed. As expected, their residence was well-maintained. Given the amount of staff and resources they have, it would be even weirder if they did not manage to keep the estate in its pristine state.

The only difference between your previous visit and now?

No personnel of the Kamisato clan is on sight.

Perhaps they are all inside? Or all of them have day offs today? Or maybe they all decided to file a leave on the very same day? Maybe the CEO of that famous bubble tea shop rented out the whole place to meet you? Wait, is a family residence even available for rent —

"We're here," your manager stated as both of you arrived at the gate.

"I really don't wanna do this."

"You're just gonna talk."

"'You're'? You mean me? Not 'we'? Are you leaving me alone?" You were on the verge of crying. It wasn't that you were sad. It was out of nervousness. Thank Celestia that no matter what heavy emotion you feel, you tend to cry.

Sad? Crying. Anxious? Sobbing. Angry? In tears.

Amidst your internal chaos, your beloved manager simply shrugged. "He requested to talk to you personally, not me."

"And you obliged?"

"It's for your own good."

"You sound like my mother."

"You think I don't notice that you're stalling?" she eyed you. You then felt both hands on your shoulder, forcing you to face the estate that brought you so many memories all at once. A little push, and voila!

You're all alone now.

It was not until you heard the heavy sound of the gate shutting that you turned around. "What the fuck?! Manager?!"

"Best wishes!" She yelled from the other side. Best wishes? Really? It's not like she's sending me off to get married, right?

... Right?

You stayed as still as a stone for a few minutes. Was this place really deserted? And where the heck is Cypressus' CEO? Is he inside? Should you go inside? Do you even dare to enter?

You gave your wristwatch a glance and realized you're already a few minutes late beyond call time. Maybe you really should stop wasting time outside and go in.

You were only able to take a few steps along the stoned path before you heard the main door creak.

It was a sound that could be heard anywhere, and yet... this specific noise, in this very place... it made your heart drop.

What you saw was even worse.

You could've died.

Out came a tall, fine man in an all white outfit consisting of a simple button-down and slacks, still oh so refined as ever.

How many days has it been? Or maybe even weeks, since you last saw each other?

Your heart was confused.

Those enchanting lavender eyes of his remained on you. They were magnetic, yet repelling all the same. Magnetic in a sense that you want nothing to do but just run straight into his arms, because you missed him so damn much. Repelling, because at the same time, you also want to run away for fear of confrontation.

Fear of falling even deeper.

Fear of falling into the depths, until no return.

Your lips slightly parted. It was hard to breathe — this instance, this atmosphere, his presence. It was too much. Too much for your little brittle heart to handle.

"[Name]," he uttered.

Fuck. And now you heard his voice? You were surely on the road to damnation.

Meanwhile, you weren't aware, but the man in front of you was likewise, dying. Dying to get close, dying to touch you, hug you, kiss you.

Dying to be with you, again.

Ayato silently rejoiced that you did not run away immediately at the sight of him. He feared that once you saw him, you would instantly go away, far and out of his reach. Thank the archons she stayed.

As he made his way towards you, you stayed still. You didn't even know how you managed to keep the eye contact with him. And then you notice.

He is a remarkable actor, but you've seen his genuine smile plenty enough to know that everything he's outright expressing is feigned. His lips may display a slight curve, but his eyes... They never lie. In them were weariness, sadness... longing.

Ayato now stood directly in front of you. "Hey," his voice cracked. "I missed you."

"Hi," you forced out a smile too.

It was a long time of looking at each other in silence, with faux smiles plastered on. No one dared to make a noise, nor an action.

Until Ayato couldn't take it anymore and pulled you into a tight hug.

His head sunk on your shoulders. You could feel all of his weight on you, as if he was deliberately sharing with you how exhausted he was from everything. How spent he was, and how your appearance at his house today was his only saving grace in a long time.

You froze.

You felt him shift slightly — no, he was shaking.

"Love," desperation was evident in his voice. "I —"

Ayato couldn't even talk. The composure he tried so hard to muster while waiting for you crumbled, just like that. One glimpse of you, and he broke. Are you now thinking how pathetic he is? Do you despise him now? Of course you do. Why wouldn't —

He felt your fingers caress his hair.

A simple gesture. Yet when it was combined with so much pining, sorrow, and despair... he couldn't stop himself anymore from sobbing in your embrace.

His last attempt at faking collectedness was hiding himself even further into the crook of your neck.

"Why are you crying?" You spoke softly. "I should be the one doing that," you joked.

"I know." Ayato's voice was muffled. Despite the situation, you can't help thinking how cute he was like this. Of course, you definitely prefer him being his usual cool self over him being a broken mess.

But it was a wonder, getting to see him like this, and getting to experience a new side of him.

The two of you stayed like that for a while: him trying to hide his crying in your shoulder (although his faint noises ratted him out) and you continuing to run your fingers through the tufts of his hair.

It wasn't awkward at all, contrary to what one would expect. Rather, it was warm and comfortable, not until he pulled himself away.

Your eyes travelled down, together with him.

"I'm sorry," his voice was low as he looked up at you. Kamisato Ayato, the renowned celebrity, the man with sharp lavender eyes, the scheming man that you've grown to love, the man that you would put above everything, even yourself, just fell to his knees. Groveling. Pleading. Begging.

But what exactly was he sorry for? Weren't you the one who owes an apology? After all, you were the one who suddenly announced that you two 'broke up' — as if there was even really something going on — without even waiting a response from him.

Then you ghosted everyone.

So really, what was your darling actor sorry for?

He held your hands, eyes still on you. "For everything, love. For dragging you into this whole mess. For being an asshole. For being such a stupid fuck."

Ayato breathed.

"For being a damned coward who is afraid of rejection and can't even express his feelings genuinely that he urged you into entering a faking relationship with himself just so he can experience having one with you."

What?

"So please," he leaned his forehead against your thigh, now looking down. "Forgive me and let me fix everything."

"Ayato —"

"Let me fix everything, with me by your side. With us, together."

With that, he was forced to look up as you pulled him. Ayato was still holding your hand even after the change in position, refusing to let you go.

"Ayato." This time, it's you whose voice wavers. "We can't. You know we can't. At least I can't."

"[Name]," he whined. "Love, please."

You took in his appearance. He looked like a mess, everything about him was. His disheveled hair, his teary eyes, his inconsistent breathing.

And yet, you still found him flawless.

"You don't have to forgive me right away. Fuck, you can even torment me. I just want us to be like before, maybe even better," Ayato beseeched.

"I can't believe you still want me," you forced a laugh. "I left you. Announced a break up. I fucking ignored you. All without notice."

"And I deserved all of it."

"No you didn't! You treated me so, so right," tears were now seeping. "You were everything I could ever ask for, love. And what was I to you in return?"

You sobbed.

You hated how memories of everything flashed in your mind.

How he was the perfect fucking lover despite everything being fake, how he never slighted you at the very least, how unfair you were to him sometimes (most times), how he would do just about anything you want, how you kept steering away from him without a word, how unreasonable you were after seeing a single fucking tweet online.

How you left him hanging.

"I was someone who was swayed easily! I was unfair. I kept doubting you, even if I didn't have the right to. You were perfect, I was flawed. You —"

"I wasn't perfect. I know that. Because if I was, you wouldn't have to suffer like how you've been," Ayato frowned. He knew he was the one to blame, and yet... why were you blaming only yourself?

He does not like it when you talk that way about yourself. If you could see yourself through his eyes, he wonders, would you still look at yourself as someone so low and unworthy? He attempts to change the topic subtly. "We're both human. We aren't flawless. A perfect fucking match, [Name]. So why don't we just be with each other —"

"— but I hurt you!"

"And I don't give a fuck." He breathes. "Heck, I would even let you do it again — infinite times more if you wish. Pain me. Hurt me. Break my heart all you want — it's all yours, love."

"But for God's sake, [Name]... please don't leave me."

privacy — ayato x reader smau

prev. masterlist. next.

TAGLIST I (closed) @catsrkool @sukunasrealgf @redactedhimbo @layla240 @mxlkytea13 @itsactuallylina @milza12 @aixaingela @tatiratty @kimiesstuff @laventiseriou @kunihaver @bibisbestgirl @lunaavity @coquettemaiden @opchara @slvdsjjk @cotton-eee @lady-elodie @dearxiiao @wheneverthesunrise @heartswonder @chuduchok @headphonesrlif3 @lleoll @vnderthesunn @lizzardlady1234 @nekogakuro @rifran @atlatcaheart @ani-st @creammpuff @lunastarjay @kittycasie @poisoned-candy-apples @zannivrs @b0bafl0wer @moonlightaangel @elsoleil

[toms-cherry-trees]

Don't Hold My Hand (I'll Break Your Heart) || Tommy Shelby x Fem OC ~ Ch. 4

Summary: Charlotte realises that she doesn't know her employer as well as she thought she did. Clouded by indecisions, she takes a path that may have unexpected consequences when things take a turn for the worst

Word Count: 5.2k

Warnings: Talks of medical procedures, needles and blood. Mentions of PTSD. Tommy gets violent. No beta reading we die like John

Author’s note: I have NO excuse. Not even I know why I dropped the ball on this, but I will just say that 2024 has been sucker punching me in the face since January 1st and has not given me respite. I am hoping that this time I will be able to post more consistently, but again, who knows with me?

PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU NOTICE ANY GRAMMAR ERRORS

Requested taglist: @call-sign-shark  @zablife

《Prev part -

Bright sunlight peeked into the bedroom through the gaps in the curtains, bathing everything in golden warmth. Blackbirds and nightingales chirped in their branches, their cheerful songs mingling with the sounds of the daily bustling of the state; horses neighing in their paddocks, hounds barking at the sight of wild rabbits; the old truck coming up the road bringing fresh meat and groceries for the week. It all sounded so typical, so average, not a toe out of place, nothing out of the ordinary. Except Charlotte.

The first thing she noticed was that the bed under her aching body was not hers. Albeit top quality, the mattress she slept in had obviously been used before; softer around the middle and with a characteristic indent in the exact position where she sat every morning to slip on her stockings and shoes. But the one under her was much firmer and sturdy, and her back had definitely noticed it. The pillows also felt different, as did the sheets. The sun shone on the wrong side, not landing on the bed like she preferred. But it was all forgotten when she noticed a hand clinging to hers, fingers intertwined with her own on a gentle grip.

Her eyes opened abruptly, and she sat up so quickly bright lights danced in her vision. She was used to being awoken in a startle; injured and dying soldiers didn’t wait for her to wash her face and tighten her corset before coming in. But waking up in Tommy’s bed, dressed in only her nightgown and robe and with his hand laced with hers surpassed any startle. 

The memories from the last 24 hours flooded her mind like a horror movie. Doctor Keller’s visit, the uncertainty of the wait, the abrupt waking up with Thomas moaning in pain in the dead of the night, and the horrifying discovery of the punctures on his back, crimson blood soaking through gauzes and clothes onto the bed sheets. 

The man next to her slept so peacefully, face buried in the pillows and soft snores escaping his lips, one could hardly believe the suffering he had been subjected to just hours prior. The laudanum dosage Charlotte administered should keep him out of it until midday at least, but that didn’t worry her; he definitely looked like he needed that rest.

Carefully, with the same gentleness one would handle a newborn with, Lottie turned him on his side, propping his body with pillows to properly assess the damage. At least he hadn’t bled through his clothes again, but that small relief did little to placate the cold feeling that settled at the bottom of her stomach after she cut off the bandages. 

The wounds on his back had already begun to scab, surrounded by near black bruises of various sizes, from his mid back all the way down to the top of his tailbone. The punctures were evenly spaced both sideways and lengthwise, and Charlotte soon realised they were meant to follow the length of his spine. She could not even fathom the pain those must have caused, nerve damage or not.

Charlotte didn’t know how to proceed from there. Every fibre of her being urged her to run to Mrs. Gray, expose Doctor Keller for a charlatan, and let the Peaky Blinders dispose of him as they saw fit. But on the other hand, acting behind his back would surely shatter the feeble bond of trust Lottie and Tommy had developed. It didn’t matter that she only did it with his best interests in mind; he would perceive it as betrayal on her part, and would set back the small but significant progress she had made with him. She had a duty with her patient, but that duty had divided in two widely different roads, both pulling at her with equal strength.

A firm knock on the door interrupted her train of thought. In a panic, she realised it was a quarter past 10 in the morning, much later than the hour in which she usually fetched Tommy’s breakfast tray from the kitchens, a little after 9. A second, much larger panic overcame her as she took note of her state of dress, or rather, undress. She had no proper excuse to be in her nightgown only, and even if she explained that she had spent the night watching over Thomas, it still did not give her reason to look like she had just risen from bed, his bed. 

She paced back and forth, debating whether to answer the door or just feign deafness and pretend she wasn’t there. She could not hide there forever, but she much preferred to step out with no witnesses present. And God forbid it was Mrs. Gray on the other side; she held the woman in high esteem, and being found by her in such a compromising situation was mortifying, even if nothing less than honourable had happened. 

A third knock urged her to make a decision, and a small, female voice coming from the other side

“Nurse Tindall, are you in there? I’ve brought up the breakfast tray for Mr. Shelby, may I come in?”

Lottie breathed a sigh of relief as she recognised the voice of Ella, a new maid who was as sweet as she was witless. It would not be hard to distract her, as she did anything she was asked to, no matter how stupid the request sounded. Charlotte cleared her throat and walked closer to the door, making deliberate sounds around to appear busy.

“Mr. Shelby is getting dressed, come back later please” She did her best to sound firm in a kind way, not wanting to trigger another of the girl’s crying episodes over feeling herself scolded. But much to her unluckiness, Ella seemed committed to delivering the food, surely not wanting to unleash the cook’s wrath upon her. Peeling a cartful of potatoes surely drivers the lesson home to not let the eggs go cold.

“But I’ve already brought the tray over, and Mrs. Bird will be upset if I go back down with it. May I come in? I promise I won’t look!” Lottie could hear the distress in the girl’s voice; she knew that Ella would not survive long in the house’s service like that.

“I said no, Ella. Mr. Shelby needs his privacy” Her words came a little harsher than she had originally intended, and she could practically see Ella flinching and the wobble of her lower lip. Not wanting to send the maid back down defeated and in tears, she spoke again, a little softer this time “Leave the tray on the side table and I’ll bring it in once we’re finished here”

Lottie waited with bated breath, ears perked up as she heard Ella push aside some ornaments to place the silver tray down, catching even the soft tinkling of saucers and teacups. Her relief lasted only until she heard footsteps going down the stairs, for soon a deeper, slurred voice came from behind her.

“With that level of quick minded resourcefulness, you could work for my company”

Tommy was awake, no doubt aroused from his slumber by her banter with the maid. Charlotte had been certain that the sleeping tinctures would keep him under until at least after lunch, but again, what could half a cup of laudanum do against a man who had been using morphine and opium freely for the best part of the last five years?

Her nurse instincts kicked in and she immediately rushed to his side, taking a motherly stance as she gently brushed hair away from his forehead, discreetly checking for any rise in his temperature; although he felt sweaty, he didn’t seem to be running a fever. Her fingers circled his wrist, counting the steady beats of his heart, and her ears perked up, ready to detect any change in the pattern of his breathing.

“I am not dying, not yet at least” Thomas huffed, in what turned out to be a poor attempt at lightening the severity of the situation. But even then he couldn’t deny he had been left extremely weakened; even opening his eyes appeared to be a struggle, and the dark circles under them cut sharply against the sickly paleness of his complexion.

Charlotte felt grief tugging at her heartstrings at his sight, alongside an overcoming sense of guilt for not having stopped Doctor Keller; she should have trusted her gut and dragged them all out by the ankles the second they kept her from accompanying Thomas through the treatment. Nothing good ever came from things happening behind closed doors. And certainly nothing good could ever come from a treatment that required him to be gagged and held down.

She reached over to the basin to retrieve a damp cloth, gently dabbing away the sweat from Tommy’s temples and brow. His eyes closed again, tongue darting out to moisten his cracked lips. Lottie wanted to ask, she needed a what, a how and a why, but she didn’t want to push him when he looked like that, so miserable and battered. The sight of his back pierced and stabbed, his limp body lying on blood soaked sheets, and the helplessness and vulnerability in his eyes, had been forever engraved in her memory. To see a man like him brought down to that, it made her heart ache.

“Are you hungry?” She asked quietly, swallowing down her other questions and worries to focus first and foremost on his comfort. “I could ask the cook to make you something light if your stomach is upset. Maybe some soup and toast?”

He shook his head, opening one eye just enough to gauge Charlotte’s expression. Just like his aunt’s, there was something unsettling about Thomas’s gaze. While Mrs. Gray looked like she could know all your secrets with just one look, Thomas had a certain determination in his eyes, a glint of mischief added with something that Lottie couldn’t quite pinpoint; but she knew for certain that Mr. Shelby could convince anyone to do his bidding only by staring them down. But she also noticed he possessed the same perennial shadow that all war veterans did; a mark that they all shared and would never fade.

“I suppose asking you for a glass of whiskey and to pass me cigarettes won’t work even now, eh?”

Charlotte had always had more than a few opinions about Thomas’ average diet of eating nothing, but the fact that he felt well enough to joke about it did manage to lighten her spirits. She noticed he kept trying to dampen his lips and his tongue appeared quite parched; with a teaspoon she managed to give him some sips of water, since she didn’t feel confident enough to sit him up just yet.

A pregnant silence hovered in the air, with Charlotte knowing both had things they wanted to say. Her thoughts continued to swirl around aimlessly, torn between rushing straight to Mrs. Gray to tell her everything she knew so far, or to wait to hear the complete story from Tommy’s lips. But would he be willing to tell? Did he remember even, or had the memories been wiped away by the trauma and the pain medicines?

Even if she wished to avoid it forever, she couldn’t. She needed to redo the dressings on his back, and she had learned through experience the way some veterans reacted when their wounds were touched, as if the contact triggered the memories they so desperately tried to bury deep, deep down. And so, she figured she might try while the laudanum still lingered, hoping that the remaining opioids in his system would keep him tame should he lash out.

“Tommy, there’s some wounds left on your back from your…treatment” Calling that medicine left a bitter taste on Charlotte’s mouth, but she couldn’t go and call it torture to his face “I need to bandage them again but I promise to be careful. You need to let me know if anything is bothering you, is that okay?” A part of herself felt she was talking him down like a child, but that had worked before with other veterans in similar situations, and at worse, Thomas would get mad at her, which would be no different than usual.

But much to her surprise, Tommy appeared awfully calm with the information she had just given her, as if the notion of having been poked full of holes didn’t faze him at all. A chill ran down Charlotte’s spine as she began to consider the option that Tommy knew what had been done to him, or worse, that he had willingly submitted to it.

While she gathered her supplies, she noticed some dried blood lingered under her nails from the previous night’s ordeal. The sight of all that blood, gauzes dripping with it, the liquid pooling since the sheets could not soak up any more…She had seen ten times worse over the years in the front, and had faced it all with a sternness that unnerved even her colleagues. Why could she not detach herself this time? Was it because she could not stand the desperate being taken advantage of? Or had she grown attached at last to her insufferable patient?

Suddenly her common sense decided to abandon her. She dropped what she had on her hands and rounded the bed to face Thomas, leaning down until she was eye to eye with him. She had to gauge the truth from him, she needed the story straight so she could put a stop to this.

“Thomas…Thomas do you know what that doctor did to you?” She breathed through her nose once, to keep her voice from faltering “Did he tell you what he did exactly?” She reached to take one of his hands. The previous night the contact had been an act of desperation, and now it bore similar purpose “I don’t know if you remember but last night you woke up and..and you were-”

“Bloodied and in pain? Yes, I remember” The way he said it, with such carelessness as if he were simply saying he woke up thirsty, didn’t sit quite right with Charlotte. Far too calm, even for a man like him. “Doctor Keller warned me that the first couple of nights would be difficult to get by. He told me to rely on the laudanum, but I thought I could toughen it out. I should have listened…the doctor always knows best.” 

His dovish words confirmed her worst fears, and Lottie felt her stomach drop to her knees. He knew. He knew everything that had been done to him. How could he not? Thomas Shelby wouldn’t let a doctor put a single finger on him without knowing first what would be done to him. 

Her grip on his fingers tightened, and she leaned closer, far closer than their faces had even been before “Tommy, what he’s done to you is inhuman. It’s barbaric. I’m sure men who have been tortured have endured less than what you did yesterday. You cannot let him get away with it, or he will do it again to others. I will tell Mrs. Gray to deal with him, we won’t let him get close to you again”

“No” That time, his hand gripped hers, with such strength that made her fingers ache. “You will not do such a thing. You will leave that man alone, and let him do what he must. Understood?” There, in that moment, Charlotte caught a glimpse of what Tommy used to be like, when he was the man that terrorised Small Heath and had half of Birmingham bending the knee like he were some sort of king. A man who had built an empire from scratch and, rumour had it, ruled it like a tyrant. 

“Thomas, look at yourself!” She protested, not allowing herself to be intimidated “Look at what he’s done to you. What treatment can be worth being punctured by needles the length of your hand all down your back? Do you even know what’s been injected?”

“I don’t need to know. All I need it’s for it to work” He had to have lost his mind, That was the only answer as to how Thomas could so blindly trust Keller. That quacksalver had sweet spoken his way into Tommy’s mind, and had used his fear and hopelessness as grounds to plant the seed of hope. He saw Tommy as a drowning man, and appeared before him offering him a raft, which turned out to be only a rotten piece of wood.

“No” Determination laced Lottie’s words “I will not allow this to continue. You have been taken for a fool, Thomas, and it is my duty as your nurse to make you see reason when you can’t for yourself. I know a trickster when I see one, and God knows I’ve seen plenty” She felt anger loaded in her words; but not directed at her patient. Rather directed at Keller, and the dozens of men like him who saw chance for profit in the suffering of the war veterans who had lost everything fighting for their lives “I will not allow that man to set foot here again. I’ll barricade the door myself if I must, and I know Mrs. Gray will agree with me” Charlotte knew that Mrs Gray tried to antagonise her nephew as little as possible, only in extreme circumstances; well, this was definitely one of those.

What happened next took Lottie completely aback. Thomas let go of her hand, but instead gripped her chin, his fingers holding her with such strength that she felt the pain radiate up her jaw. His eyes were pure ice, cold and unforgiving, and he pulled her face down, forcing her to meet his gaze

“You won’t do shit. You will do what you do, what you are paid to do, and nothing more. For everything else, you keep your head down. I believe Polly told you that you would be expected to turn a blind eye for some things; well, this is one of those things. You are not family, you are just a worker, and you do what you are told, eh?”

“But-”

“But nothing” His grip tightened even more, if possible, forcing a whine out of Charlotte’s lips. She had never seen him like this before, not even during her first days in the manor when he did everything in his power to be a nuisance to her and scare her away. He had screamed, he had slammed tables, he had thrown to the wall cups and glasses and trays, but not even once had he laid a hand on her “You do what I say, and nothing more. If you tell Polly, I will fire you on the spot. If you try to interfere with Doctor Keller, things can get very ugly very quickly. Am I clear?”

Charlotte felt fear. For the first time since her arrival to Arrow House, she felt fear. Her heart hammered her ribs and her knees felt weak. This man before her was not the Tommy who had shown weakness just the night before, asking her to keep him company for the night and holding her hand; not even the man who had flipped over a table because she begged him to eat. Lottie recognised in him the first tendrils of the madness proper of someone with nothing left to lose. Tommy saw Keller as his last chance, and he would not let anything or anyone take that chance away. He had become obsessed, and obsession was just a step away from madness.

She nodded at his words, if anything to get Tommy to let go of her face. After a few more seconds of staredown, in which she felt diminished to the size of a mouse, Tommy let her go and laid back down

“Good. Now fuck off. Doctor Keller said that the wounds need to be aired to heal faster, and I want to sleep”

Somehow, Charlotte found enough control of her legs to stand and walk away, tripping on the carpet and crashing against an armchair on her way out. Her heart beat rampantly, the thumping booming on her ears and temples. She held herself until she had closed the double doors behind her, and only then collapsed against the panelled wall, burying her face in her hands. She had been threatened before, plenty of times, by men far too deep in their cups, or their drugs, or in the demons inside their heads. 

But never before by a true threat.

She knew as well as any what the Peaky Blinders did, and she knew they had no qualms on the choosing of their victims. And something in the way Tommy said those words, the intensity of his gaze, the strength of his grip, told Charlotte that he wouldn’t doubt acting upon his words should she cross him. 

She immediately thought of telling Mrs Gray everything. Every last detail, her position in the house be damned; Thomas could fire her but he could not rid himself of his aunt. With that steely determination Charlotte walked down the stairs, her steps resonating in the emptiness of the house. But that lasted only until she reached the landing. Would Mrs Gray side with her? Or would she let her nephew entertain his false hopes, if only to give him a false sense of happiness? Would she find in the older woman an ally, or would she just waste her time and her job entertaining her sense of justice? After all, just like Thomas said, she was just a worker, not family, and she should not speak above her station.

And yet.

Clinging onto her morals as only support, Charlotte set out to find Mrs Gray and tell her exactly what had happened; it might cause her to lose the best job she had held since the war ended, but at least she would leave that house at peace with her morals. But her mission finished as quickly as it began. She asked Frances the whereabouts of Mrs Gray, and a bucket of ice water was dropped upon her head when she was informed that Mrs. Gray had left to tend business in London and would not return for at least a week. Speaking face to face with her, locked in the privacy of the older woman’s office was one thing. But telephone her all the way to London, and possibly interrupt her affairs to basically snitch on her nephew…

A week. She would have to wait a week. And Charlotte hoped her resolve would last that long.

~

She felt out of place, wearing her blouses and skirts after spending the best part of half a year in only her nurse uniforms. Lottie sat on the terrace of a fancy French cafe, enjoying an espresso and a small assortment of pastries. She had a few magazines before her, and pen and paper to finally write down those letters she had due for weeks, but she simply could not concentrate, not on a day like that. The bells of a nearby church rang five times; in the blink of an eye two hours of her life had escaped her, for it was a few minutes past three when she sat on that chair, feeling her knees weak and her hands clammy.

After Tommy’s threat, things had gone down as well as one could expect. Charlotte spent the following week walking on eggshells around him, scared to even look him in the eye. Tommy had been a particularly obedient patient, dutifully drinking all his medicines and eating all his meals like he had never done before, but he had once more condemned Lottie to the silent treatment, not giving her more word than the occasional command to bring him something or, more specifically, to leave him alone. She had anxiously awaited the return of Mrs. Gray, hoping his aunt would help him see reason where she had failed so spectacularly. 

The showdown between them had surely been heard all through the county, the tone of their argument escalating steadily to the point Charlotte could clearly listen to every word they said, even sitting at the foot of the staircase, her elbows resting on her knees and her thumbs pressing on her brow in hopes of alleviating what had become a chronic headache. Perhaps she had committed a calamitous mistake telling everything to Mrs. Gray. Or perhaps her first big mistake had been taking that job.

When Mrs. Gray finally came down to meet her, she looked absolutely defeated; and Lottie knew right away that she had risked it all for nothing.

Thomas had absolutely refused to back down on his treatment, quoting over and over that Keller said it had to get worse before it got better. He had said horrible things about his aunt and Charlotte, about how they wished him ill and had no desire to see him recover his life because it suited them better to keep him chairbound. Mrs. Gray had let the hurtful words sweep past her like breeze, but Charlotte felt them more like stones thrown to her face, even if they were just lies. 

In the end, Lottie had not been fired, her job position saved by Mrs Gray’s resilience to not let go of the first caretaker who had made it past the three month mark. She did however insist that Lottie cash in all the days off she was owed, plus an extra paid day on the house. That gave her exactly a week of holiday, and therefore, would keep her away the day Doctor Keller was scheduled to come for his next appointment. 

When she boarded the car that would take her to the station that Sunday morning, wearing her navy blue coat and her prettiest hat, a part of her wondered if she should leave for good; mail in her resignation and have someone else pick up the rest of her belongings. She could not envision what future she could have there now, as her relationship with Tommy had surely been permanently and irreparably damaged by their rift. He would never trust her completely again, and she couldn’t stand by idly and watch him pay himself into an early, horrific death.

Not wishing to spend her week in good old Birmingham, Lottie decided her salary allowed her to take her time off in London. She found lodging on a small bed and breakfast near Camden, and put her time to good use, hoping to keep herself distracted. She got new books to read, dined in a different place each night, and finally gave her wardrobe a much overdue refresh. But she could never shake off the knowledge that, each day that passed, was a day closer to Doctor Keller returning to Tommy’s side. It remained a perpetual nagging feeling on the back of her mind. She could not go a single day without something reminding her of it.

Charlotte felt her blood boil whenever she thought about how many men had been tricked before Thomas. Perhaps if she found one or two who had undergone the same treatment, with obviously less than satisfactory results, they could help her convince Tommy to abandon before it was too late. Hoping against hope, she set aside money to post a few small, as inconspicuous as possible advertisements, avoiding directly mentioning the doctor by name. At worst, it would all end in a few wasted coins and nothing else. 

Saturday she spent in a continuous fright, obsessively checking the hour everywhere she could. By 3 pm, she knew that awful man and his equally awful aids would be crossing the threshold. By 6, she figured they would be done cleaning up whatever gruesome mess they had left behind, with Tommy tucked in bed, absolutely knocked out by double and triple doses of opioids. 

She couldn’t find sleep that night, tossing and turning until the blankets were tangled in her legs. Even through emotional exhaustion her mind refused to quiet down. Was Tommy sleeping well? Was he comfortable? Would he wake again in the dead of the night in agony and alone, with no one to wipe his brow or change the sheets? Charlotte tried and failed again and again to force the thoughts out of her mind, but they refused to budge; even if she chastised herself for caring so deeply, she couldn’t help herself.

Sunday she spent no better, and after a short walk she decided to return to her room and give herself a lazy day, rearranging her suitcase and indulging in one of her new books alongside some cookies she bought nearby. She wasn’t expected back on the manor until Tuesday morning, yet she kept all her belongings packed and ready to go fleeing out the door.

After a humble dinner in a nearby pub, Lottie returned to her lodgings, deciding to indulge herself with a long bath, taking advantage of having a private bathroom. But just as she had crossed the entrance, a bellboy came to meet her, telling her there was a call for her on the front desk. 

Puzzled, Lottie followed the boy, wondering who could be calling her at that hour, since no one knew her whereabouts. Trepidation creeping up her spine, she picked the apparatus, trying to ignore the uncomfortable fluttering in her gut

“Hello?”

“Charlotte” Mrs Gray's voice resounded from the other side. Despite the familiarity, the knowledge that it was her calling didn’t reassure her one bit. A woman like her didn’t call at that hour to talk about the weather

“Mrs Gray, is everything okay?” She didn’t even bother to ask why or how she had Charlotte’s current address. They knew everything about everyone; they probably knew more about Charlotte than she herself did.

“No, things are not okay. Doctor Keller came yesterday; only God knows what he did, but Tommy didn’t wake up until today after midday, and he didn’t let me or any of the maids touch him or feed him”

Charlotte sighed, sensing immediately where the conversation was heading “Mrs. Gray, if you think that I can get past his thick head-”

“No” The older woman cut short “I don’t think you can, and that’s not why I called. Around dinner I went to check on him, try to get him to eat. Force feed him if I must. And I found him” Charlotte could hear her sigh slowly “I found him unconscious. So pale he was grey, laying in a pool of sweat. He had vomited too, I think. Couldn’t even wake him with a slap to the back”

Charlotte’s eyes widened, and her heart raced at the information she received, immediately noticing how bad the situation had turned “Mrs Gray, that is very serious. He needs to be seen by a doctor! Did you-”

“I called the ambulance. They’ve taken him right away. It’s the hospital I’m calling from. The doctor says he has an infection and that it’s reaching his blood”

Charlotte swallowed. Infections of the blood never had a good prognosis in the field, not even in the hospitals. Yet she clung to false hope when she asked her next question

“Did he…did he say it was bad?”

The pause that followed seemed to stretch for days, but that wasn’t half as bad as hearing Mrs. Gray voice crack for the first time

“They say he’s likely to die”

[blitzyn]

don't worry

gray raven x gn!reader

request: can i request a found family comfort for the grey raven trio where reader/their newly assigned commandant is practically a kid—basically regarded as a 'prodigy' (not really reader was just raised specifically to be a commandant). at first reader seems almost disturbingly professional & rational to a fault, but then one day before a mission they found reader crying because reader was afraid & they were like. "nah man we're giving you a happy childhood" and discovers reader has horrible self-esteem issues. constantly blame themselves for stuff going wrong sometimes even if it clearly wasn't their fault. BASICALLY GREY RAVEN TRIO AS READER'S OLDER SIBLING FIGURES, TAKES CARE OF THEM, HELP THEM THROUGH THEIR ISSUES & TRY TO MAKE HAPPY MEMORIES W THE READER. ty & sorry for the long req oml 😭 — ⚖️

a/n -> YES ABSOLUTELY. Oh my god I’ve been aching and itching and desperate to write something for pgr after hyperreal came out on global I LOVE YOU. Slight spoilers about about the battle in kowloong but my memory of its kinda fuzzy sorry. also this is pre empyrea and hyperreal. NEWAYS darker fics coming up soon dw whoever sees this

wc -> 2.3k

cw -> a bit of self doubt from reader but nothing too heavy

Nearly everyone in Babylonia knew that you were, unarguably, one of the best commandants of their time. You were rational, effective, strong, and intelligent—everything needed in a leader. At a very early age, you could even be considered on par with the Egret commandant, Vanessa.

It was like a breath of fresh air for Lee, Liv, and Lucia, too. Their previous commandant had been one incompetent mess, to put it kindly. They were hardly able to submit their paperwork on time and often made one too many mistakes down on the surface, which inevitably led to their discharge.

You, however, were better in so many ways. You could keep up with the stacks of paper (which, honestly, the three thought was a bit much for a human), maintain a rational mind under pressure, and even utilize the potential they had during battle. Their growth had been evident to them and to many others, which is why when Liv hears you sobbing in your office, she isn’t sure what to do.

She’s well versed in the many different ways to console a crying child given her previous profession as a nurse, but she wasn’t sure how to apply her abilities to you. She readjusts her audio module after having increased it when she heard the faintest sound of a cry, quietly making her way towards the door that led to your office. She stopped in front it, a frown making its way on her face. She wasn’t sure how to handle this, but she knew she had to try.

“Commandant?” She softly knocked on the firm wooden door, listening intently to the sudden gasp that came from your lips and the urgent rustling of paper. “Are you okay?”

There was a pause, likely to recollect yourself and steel your voice. “Yes, Liv.” But she could hear it all—the shakiness, the faint sniffle, your raw voice. Although, there was one that deeply concerned her. She could hear the fear in your tone. Fear of what? She had only ever known you to be strong and brave; though, everyone had their breaking point.

She pursed her lips, tracing mindless patterns on the door before gathering the courage to speak again. “May I come inside? I would appreciate it if… if you could tell me why you’re so upset.”

“I’m not upset,” you countered quickly, even when you knew it wasn’t convincing for either of you.

“Please, commandant…” she pleaded, furrowing her eyebrows worriedly. She wasn’t about to leave you here when she knows she can do something about your tears. “I know you may not be comfortable sharing how you feel, but I would like you to trust me when I say that bottling up your emotions will only serve to hurt you. I know this, now. You taught me the importance of trusting one another, so, please, commandant. Can you trust me?”

There was a moment of silence before you shuffled over to open the door. Your eyes were rimmed red and you kept sniffling every so often, but Liv didn’t watch you with pity nor disdain. Her expression was free of judgement, and you seemed to recognize it when you relaxed the slightest bit.

“If you’re comfortable, could you tell me what’s bothering you?” She questioned softly, watching out for any signs of discomfort.

You pursed your lips, absentmindedly tapping a tune on the doorframe. It wasn’t that you wanted to shut your teammates out, you just couldn’t help but believe that you weren’t allowed to talk about your emotions ever since you began training to become a commandant when you were young. That was one of the main things your parents drilled into you: leading an elite squad had no time for how you felt.

So, you could only offer Liv a noncommittal shrug, slightly surprising her. She’s always known you to be decisive and often strayed away from gestures like that.

“It’s… what if… I’m just worried about tomorrow,” you finally admitted, averting your gaze. You fidgeted a little under your construct’s gaze, even if it was comforting. “What if something goes wrong, and I can’t do anything to fix it? Like… like last time, when Lucia had to switch to her Plume frame after Kowloong.”

A look of understanding crossed Liv’s face. You were afraid of not being enough. Of thinking that you could’ve done something better. She knew she was like that, and so was everyone else, most likely.

“I understand,” she said, noticing the way you perked up at her words. “I also have had countless experiences thinking that I could’ve done more, or that I should’ve done something different. But I would like you to acknowledge that what Lucia did in Kowloong was not your fault. She did what she had to as a soldier and our captain.”

You shook your head, looking down at your gloved hand. Underneath the fabric rests a scar that cuts horizontally along your palm. “But you’re a construct, Liv. It’s easy to say that since you’re so much stronger than I am. What if I’m just weak? What if you and the others are just slowing down to match my pace?”

Liv furrowed her brows, opening her mouth to retort when another voice beat her to it.

“We were humans, too, you know,” the voice said, and instantly you recognized it to be Lee’s. The two of you watched as he and Lucia made their way in the lounge.

“Yes, commandant,” Lucia nodded in agreement, quickly finding her place beside Liv.

You cringed a little, suddenly finding all the attention embarrassing. “How much did you hear?”

“Enough to figure out what was going on,” Lee replied nonchalantly, but with the way he always bore a flat expression, it was hard to tell if he was secretly scrutinizing you or not. “There’s nothing to worry about tomorrow. It’s just standard procedure.”

You frowned at his words, beginning to wonder if you were just overthinking it all again. Lucia seemed to notice as she watched you closely. Nothing seemed to go past her eyes. “Is there something else that’s bothering you, commandant?”

“I’m just worried, I guess,” you tried to shrug it off, fighting off the growing urge to fidget. There was a beat of silence before Lucia spoke up with an eager smile on her face.

"Then, why don't we go out for a while?" She suggested, taking a peek over your shoulder towards the pile of paperwork still stationed on your desk. "It's been a while since all four of us got to hang out together."

"Yes, that's a great idea," Liv visibly brightened, glancing at her friend before returning her gaze back to you. "What do you say, commandant?"

This was the first time in a while you were unable to produce a decision on the spot. But as your eyes flitted onto the expectant expressions of your companions (minus Lee, of course), you could feel yourself gradually being swayed by Lucia's words.

"Uh... Sure. We can go out for a while," you finally relented, earning bright smiles from the two girls before they led you out of the Gray Raven lounge and through the winding corridors that led outside the building. You noticed a few lingering gazes upon you when you walked past, pursing your lips when you saw theirs move in unintelligible whispers.

"They're jealous of how you're younger than them but capable of achieving more," Lee suddenly said from beside you, not bothering to bat an eye when you looked at him. You opened your mouth to reply when he ultimately beat you to it. "No, I'm not saying it just because."

You nodded slowly, unable to fight the faint smile creeping on your face. It made you feel a foreign yet welcoming warmth knowing that he wasn't normally the type to do such a thing like raise his audio modules just to eavesdrop, and yet he did it anyway. He quickly noticed your smile as a blush colored his pale cheeks pink, so you mercifully looked away before he could start complaining about his heat dispersal system "malfunctioning" again.

You winced when you finally made your way out of the building, the artificial lights mimicking daytime on Earth briefly blinding you. You don't remember the last time you went outside just for a leisurely stroll, honestly. Sure, you've been out to visit the gun range or when you needed to depart for a mission, but never really taken in the sights since you were young.

"Where should we go first?" Liv questioned, humming a gentle tune as she looked around for something to do. Everything in Babylonia was limited due to its launch as an incomplete colony ship during the Golden Age, so there weren't any things like public aquariums or gardens. Many plants were used for study in laboratories and preservation just in case they could be replanted on Earth again.

"Why don't we get ice cream? I remember seeing a stand not too long ago," Lucia suggested, glancing at her teammates for approval. You felt a little strange going to an ice cream stand as a grown person who trained all their life to be a soldier, but you couldn't resist upon seeing the expectant gazes of your fellow comrades.

"Uh, sure. That sounds nice," you agreed, albeit a little awkwardly.

"Oh, but commandant," Liv began worriedly as she quickly looked you up and down. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary—you appeared just as put together as always. But now that she knows more of you, she can't help but fuss over your well-being. "I don't remember the last time you ate or what it was. Maybe you should eat something first?"

You gave a nonchalant wave of your hand in dismissal, wordlessly urging her to not worry so much. Not that it'd ever work. "It's okay, Liv. I ate today. There's nothing to be concerned about."

She studied you for a moment longer before letting it go with a defeated sigh. But she wasn't genuinely upset now that she was able to see you in a way that didn't involve violence or dire situations. Continuing on, you could see the stand growing closer, noticing a few other people surrounding it. They were mostly children, with only a few parents watching over them.

Suddenly, one of them seemed to recognize who you were and came running in your direction with a wide grin. She was a little girl who couldn't have been older than ten, with messy, brown hair pulled into two droopy pigtails. "You're that person! The hero!" She cheered, nearly barreling straight into your legs. You steadied her with a firm hand, surprised when she abruptly raised her arm to request an autograph.

"Please?! You're so cool going wham! and bang! against all those bad guys on the surface! I wanna be just like you when I grow up!" She spoke so fast it was nearly impossible to keep up, but you made an effort to nod along with her words. "Super awesome and brave!"

"You haven't even..." You trailed off, wondering what she was told to believe that was solely what you did. Sure, there were a lot of Corrupted lingering around that you and your team disposed of, but there were others who did the exact same thing you did. But seeing this girl's excited grin and awestruck eyes stopped you from finishing your sentence. "Thanks, kid. It means a lot knowing that someone like you looks up to me."

You looked around for something to write with when Liv offered you a pen. You took it with a grateful nod before grabbing a spare paper from your pocket, not wanting to anger her parents by writing on her skin. She squealed and waved the paper around like a flag, staring at it like it was the greatest thing in the world. She repeated several thank you's before running off to her parents, leaving you back to your own devices.

You chuckled lightly, watching her before looking back at Liv. Your eyes widened in surprise when you turned a few times as you realized that Lucia and Lee weren't near you.

"Here, commandant!" Lucia said not a moment later, suddenly appearing behind you. She had an ice cream cone in her hand, holding it out to you. Upon closer inspection, you noticed that it was your favorite flavor. You carefully took it, giving curious glances towards the three.

"Oh, Lee picked out the flavor," Lucia informed, oblivious to the way the man tensed when his name was mentioned. "He noticed you had an interest in flavors similar to it.''

Lee's eyebrows furrowed as his lips dipped downwards into a frown, but there was no mistaking the embarrassed blush coating his cheeks once again. "There's nothing wrong with knowing my commandant's habits for optimal results and future developments."

Liv giggled quietly beneath her hand but decided not to comment on it.

"I hope you like it, commandant," Lucia continued on, eager to know your opinion on the treat.

"He'd be right," you said as you offered her a brief, grateful smile before beginning to eat your ice cream. "And, by the way, you can... you can call me by my name. If you want."

Lucia brightened, walking by your side as you all walked around aimlessly. "[Name]. [Name]! [Name]... [Name]," she repeated in various different tones, trying out how it'd feel to have your name on her tongue.

This time, it was your turn to turn away in embarrassment, futilely trying to hide behind your ice cream. "Don't wear it down all in one day."

"It's a very nice name," Liv laughed lightly at her friend's antics, taking part in teasing you just this once. Although, as she watched you, she couldn’t help but sadden just the slightest bit. Your features hadn’t yet fully matured, resembling that of a teenager just recently entering adulthood. She disliked how someone so young had to be forced into a world such as this, but all she could do was fight and hope that none others would be subject to the same fate in the future.

You just shook your head in exasperation, leisurely strolling forward. Being around your teammates—rather, your friends—like this sent a warmth through your body that only served to rekindle your determination to succeed on days like tomorrow just to have more times like these. It was a comforting feeling. But you could only hope that fate would be kind.

[psychocharlie]

I had a dream last night in which Dethklok released deth-eyeshadow palettes. Everyone had their own personalized palette with colors that perfectly fit them and the names for each color in the palette were given by Dethklok themselves. Some refills had funny stamps embossed in the style of each of the band members, and the cover of the packs had their faces on it.

Nathan's palette was mostly black and blood red with names like Death, Murder, Crushed Skull (the only light color there, a milky white), Guts, Hatred, Bloody Vomit, and blue-black color named Abyss.

And when he saw Pickles' palette, he grumbled for a long time that his palette is "not metal" and looked gay, because Pickles' palette didn't have a single dark color, it had a few red-orange shades, but none of them were even brutal blood red (!!!). There was a neon pink shimmer called "Glam" in memory of snakes n barrels, a bottle-green shade called "Booze". The rest of the refills was some trippy bright colors with names like "Party", "Sex on the beach", and there were also a few drug-related named shades: I remember "Acid mushroom", "bad trip" and "cocaine". It looks pretty cool tbh. But Nathan was so fucking pissed off, he was like "Pickles, what kind of gay fucked up shit you put out, it's not even brutal! Okay with Toki put out his candy pink girl shit with glitter and unicorns, 'cause that's Toki, but what's fucking wrong with you? Now, of all the deth-palettes, only mine looks metal, it's fucked up!"

Toki's palette was cute and candy-colored, just the way he likes it. Ufortunately I only remembered a few color names – "Rainbow", "Candy Paradise" and "Magic Unicorn" and there were A LOT of glitter refills in his palette (besides Toki, only Pickles and Skwisgaar palettes had glitters in it, but even they had only one glitter per palette). The cover of the box showed Toki in a cat's body running through a rainbow like in the hamburger time song.

Murderface had the entire palette done in just yellow, ranging from regular yellow to acid yellow to a yellow with red streaks. All the shades were simply called "PISS", "PISS", "PISS", "PISS", "PISS", "ACID PISS", "BLOODY PISS", "PISS". A single black shade in the bottom right corner with the name "Self-hatred" stood out against this. The package was also done in yellow colors, a bit in the Planet Piss style.

Skwisgaar had a cold colors palette.  There were various cold white, gray and blue colors with names like "Ice fjord", "Snow vortex", "Northern wolf", "Viking". There was also a very beautiful golden glitter named "Golden god", Skwisgaar said that it was made of real gold particles. 

Anyway, it's an incredibly cool concept and I woke up feeling really sad that these eyeshadow palettes don't exist in reality because I want to buy them all 😭

Upd: forgot to add another interesting detail. Throughout the dream Exitus from Brendon Small's Galaktikon II was playing somewhere in the background (I didn't fall asleep with headphones on, the song was part of the dream and existed inside it). Namely the lines from "hold my breath, look in my eyes" to "and you live, you live in your heart. And we live, we live with you". So when I woke up I had those lines running through my head.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

Mira congrats on your milestone!! I wish I was good at coming up with requests… hmm… do you ever get more ideas for pomegranate ink? Maybe a scene of them much later in the future? I loved that fic so much ☹️ I hope they’re happy and living a super fluffy adorable life after all they went thru 💔 (can you tell I’m still heartbroken over JJK leaks) - @yutaleks

── CLOUDS

Synopsis: A snapshot of your life with Yuta Okkotsu, some time after the events of Pomegranate Ink.

Event Masterlist

Pairing: Yuta x Reader

Chapter Word Count: 1.9k

Content Warnings: hurt/comfort, kind of angsty, yuta is insecure, yuta is fundamentally different because of what he did for reader, spoilers for the ending of my ultra mega long fic pomegranate ink (which you all should definitely read)

A/N: on this blog we pretend like the jjk manga doesn’t exist and pomegranate ink is canon LMAO 😭 i haven’t thought much about what y/n + yuta’s life after the main story would look like hence why this is so short, but aleks i hope this heals your yuta-loving soul a bit!! ty for requesting and also being like. my first tumblr follower ever i’m pretty sure 🥹🫶🏻

Additional: part of my 500 follower event! see the event description and rules to make a request of your own.

Yuta was rubbing his eyes again. He did so frequently — it was a new habit he had picked up, ever since that final battle against Sukuna. They itched sometimes, he told you, because they were trying to see something they no longer could.

Ever since he had brought you back to life, Yuta had been a normal human. Like Maki, he couldn’t see curses, but unlike her, he couldn’t even sense them, their presences nor their effects. His movements were dulled and slow, and he was far clumsier than he used to be. You knew it frustrated him, the blindness, the childish tripping over his own feet when he was so used to having a sleek body that possessed the grace of a jungle cat.

It wasn’t just his cursed energy that had been depleted. His strength, too, was all but gone. His hands shook when he tried to hold his katana, and although he once was able to carry you around effortlessly, it was now a struggle for him to lift you even a few inches off of the ground for more than a couple of seconds. 

He had given up everything for you. You hadn’t understood the magnitude of it until you saw it in action — he was so prone to downplaying his suffering that you all had dismissed it at first. So what if he couldn’t see curses or use his technique anymore? That only meant he was safer.

But giving up a cursed technique was something unprecedented and new. None of you could have been prepared for what it would do to him. Ieri’s theory was this: because a cursed technique was engraved onto one’s brain and soul, the loss of that energy would immeasurably alter one, had immeasurably altered Yuta, permanently.

Once, his memory had been nearly photographic. Now, he was forgetful, requiring reminders about birthdays and anniversaries and appointments. He no longer seemed so deadly, either — there had always been a malevolent aura following him, a sort of viciousness to his otherwise-kind demeanor that made him so frightening, but now, he was so unassuming and gentle that it was impossible to imagine anyone cowering from him like they all used to.

His eyes bore the most significant shift. They used to be a blue like poison, sharp and dark and predatory in an uncanny way, but now, they were faded and gray, sensitive to the sun and entirely unable to see the world to which they had once belonged. He blinked a lot more, too, and Ieri suspected he might need glasses in the near future — not to see curses in specific, but just to be able to see at all.

“Stop that,” you said, pulling his hands away from his eyes before he could turn them bloodshot. “Ieri said it’s not good for you.”

“Sorry,” he said, squeezing his eyes shut so that the momentary pressure could relieve the discomfort. Resting your palms against his temples, you used your thumbs to soothe over his eyelids, kissing his forehead as you did so. “I’m sorry you have to take care of me. You’re the one who just came back from a mission.”

“It’s okay, Yuta. I don’t mind. It wasn’t a particularly difficult assignment; any curses left have gotten so weak that even an untrained first year could take them on and win. We should finish the clean-up job within the year,” you said.

“I should be out there, too,” he said. “I should be able to help. Maki can do it without a cursed technique, so there’s no reason for me to be like this.”

“Maki has a Heavenly Restriction. It’s a bit different than not having a technique or any cursed energy at all,” you said, as gently as possible. It was difficult for Yuta, who preferred shouldering the world’s burdens on his own, to sit back and watch as the rest of you fought and he stayed behind. Maki, Toge, Yuji…even Noritoshi and Elakshi had returned from their trip abroad to help in your efforts. Every remaining sorcerer had dedicated themselves to the cause, so that you could eradicate the remaining curses and then move on with your lives.

But Yuta Okkotsu was no longer a sorcerer. He was a normal person, and normal people had no place facing off against curses, especially when they could not so much as see them. In this manner, he was weaker than even your mother, who as of late had dedicated herself to running a charity caring for the displaced survivors of the Shibuya and Shinjuku incidents.

“I was the second strongest sorcerer in the world,” he said. “Now I’m nothing. I swore I would always protect you, and I can’t even do that anymore. You’re the one who has to look out for me.”

“You brought me back to life,” you said. “There’s nothing greater that you could do for me than that.”

He wrapped his arms around your midsection, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck, pressing his lips against your pulse. It was another new habit of his — now that he could not use cursed signature detection to constantly be aware of your continued existence, he had developed an obsession with feeling your heartbeat, that steady rhythm which reassured him that you were still alive.

“Do you resent me?” he said.

“Why would I resent you?” you said, running your fingers through his silky hair. “Yuta, what could you possibly have done that would make me resent you?”

“When you brought me back to life, you were unchanged. You didn’t become weak; if anything, it made you stronger. It wasn’t like that for me. Don’t you find me pitiful? I couldn’t even resurrect you properly. I had to give up so much to do it. You must find it humorous,” he said. “You must think of me as some half-rate sorcerer.”

“Of course not,” you said. “What you did was ten times as impressive as what I did. I had Rika helping me, and your own natural Reverse Cursed Technique, and of course the heightened emotions which fueled Composition. Beyond that, Composition as a Reverse Cursed Technique was designed for such feats. You had none of those advantages, and yet you still brought me back. That’s not half-rate; that’s the kind of thing that only happens in myths and fairytales.”

Something scalding splashed against your skin, and then you realized that his body was shaking in your embrace. He was sobbing, clinging onto you in a rare display of weakness. Yuta hated falling apart, and he hated falling apart in front of others even more, yet here he was, doing just that. He always told you that he was supposed to be the one that others relied on. He wasn’t supposed to be the one that crumbled, but of course, no one could say strong forever.

“Do you still love me?” he said. If he had held you like this a year ago, then his grip would have crushed you, but now, it was you who had to be careful with your power, with his softer body. “Y/N, do you still love me?”

“Yes, how could you question that?” you said. “I love more than anyone.”

“You loved Yuta Okkotsu,” he whimpered. “Yuta Okkotsu, special-grade sorcerer. Yuta Okkotsu, who was powerful enough to save you from anything. I’m not him anymore. I’m someone else. Someone weak and stupid, who can barely see and whose body always aches.”

“Hey,” you said, holding him at an arm’s length, using the hem of your shirt to dry his tears. “Hey, hey, look at me. Are you looking at me?”

His eyes, the soft color of clouds, settled on you. You weren’t sure what you had done to deserve that kind of trust, that kind of affection or devotion, but you did the best you could with it, holding his face in your hands and squishing his cheeks fondly.

“Yes,” he said.

“I didn’t fall in love with what you have up here,” you said, knocking on his head lightly. “Nor here, nor here.” This was accompanied by pinches on each of his arms. “What I cared about, what I still care about, is this.”

You placed your hand on his heart. He tilted his chin to gaze at it, and you took the moment to flick him, earning you a small whine.

“My heart?” he said.

“Your heart,” you agreed. “In all the world, I don’t think there’s any other that could claim to be its equal, and that’s a fact independent of your cursed technique or your strength. I’ll always love that heart of yours, Yuta. There’s nothing you can do that’ll stop me from doing so. Change your name, change your face, change everything else about you — I’ll recognize it all the same, and I will love it regardless.”

“Do you mean that?” he said.

“I’ve never meant anything more,” you said. “I love you for who you are, not for what you can do.”

“You really, truly are sure of that?” he said.

“How many times do I have to say it? How many words will it take for you to believe me? I love you, Yuta, I love you, I love you, I love you. Is that enough, or is there something else you’d prefer?” you said.

“There is,” he said. “There’s something else I want you to say.”

“What is it?” you said. “You only need to tell me, and I will.”

“I know I’m not strong or capable anymore. I can’t promise to protect you, and it’ll be more work on your part than anything, so I understand if you don’t want to do it,” he said. “It’s a terrible deal for you.”

“Huh?” you said. He avoided your eyes, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small, velvet box, opening it and clearing his throat.

“I’m delicate now,” he said. “But if you’ll still have me, even in this condition, then…?”

“Are you proposing?” you said. He nodded shyly.

“I was going to wait to do it until after everything with the curses was resolved, but I don’t think I can wait any longer,” he said. “I guess I kind of got caught up in the moment. I’m sorry.”

I wouldn’t have before, he seemed to be thinking. Before, I would’ve been disciplined enough to deny myself that joy until the perfect moment.

You didn’t want Yuta to ever deny himself anything again, though. He had given you everything so that you could have a second chance at life; it was only fair that you spent the rest of that life with him. It belonged to him already, anyways. Every thump of your heart, every breath in your lungs, every thought in your mind…they were all his.

“Don’t apologize,” you said. “It’s perfect. This is perfect. Everything about it is.”

“Really?” he said dubiously.

“Yes,” you said. “Yes, it’s perfect, and yes, I’ll marry you.”

He swallowed, and then slowly, he slid the ring onto your finger, with all the painstaking care of a surgeon. Then he blinked up at you, frowning when tears of your own welled against your lashes.

“Is everything okay?” he said.

“It’s more than okay. I’m happy,” you said. “I’m so happy that I can’t help but weep. I never thought that I could be so lucky.”

You wished that you could tell your younger versions that the two of you would end up like this, that everything would work itself out in the best way that it could, that eventually, you would again find something like happiness. Maybe it was true that you both were different now — Yuta was missing his cursed technique, and you could never again simultaneously heal and fight — but you had made it. Somehow, despite everything, despite all that you had lost, you had made it.

In the end, what more could either of you ask for?

[romanology]

which of these jegulus fics would you like me to begin writing? and/or which one is the most interesting

it turns out I can't make another poll. idk how to feel about that. anyway, well, I'll just write them down then, heehee.

also, I didn't add Winston Morgue because that one is already being written & people like it so... here is The Duality of man as well as A Shutter in the Shuddering as some morbid replacements.

LONG GREY LINE Regulus Black is a retired Lt. Col. in the army. He's blind and impossible to get along with due to his bitter nature. Draco Malfoy is at school and is looking forward to going to college. To help pay for a trip home for Christmas, he agrees to look after Regulus over Thanksgiving, as Regulus is Draco's uncle (sort of) after all, and they had never met. Draco's mother says this will be easy money, but she didn't reckon on Regulus spending his Thanksgiving in New York. [ movie reenactment - Regulus is Draco's Uncle - James comes in at the end :( though ]

CONTRA MUNDUM It's a bit of an issue when you're a month away from proposing to your girlfriend and suddenly develop a debilitating crush on the publisher of your book. [ publisher Regulus / author James - Awkward moments - Coworkers to Friends to MORE MAYBE??? ]

ANGELES' ANGEL When filming a biopic in LA, the star of the movie James Potter is playing the part of model Regulus, and upon realising he has no idea how to play Regulus, they both go for dinner to learn more about each other. For work, of course. [ famous actor James / famous model Regulus - Coffee Shop AU but it's so luxurious you can't help but hate them for it - Secret Relationship ]

SETTLE DOWN & EAT YOUR PANCAKES After getting into a car crash James finds himself unable to remember anything but his name, and, distressingly, he can't recognise his husband right in front of him. As Regulus helps the naive James, the latter begins to fall in love all over again with the love of his life. [ 50 First Dates AU - Memory loss/Amnesia - Falling in love again ]

A SHUTTER IN THE SHUDDERING When James Potter, a famous Ghost Photographer visits the so-called haunted house "Shuddering", he doesn't expect to see the face of a beautiful yet very clearly dead boy in the mirror behind him. [ nonbeliever photographer James Potter x Picture-Of-Dorian-Gray-Esque muse Regulus Black - modern gothic literature ]

DUALITY OF MAN The Bloodletter Murderer is still on the loose, and James Potter, a resident private investigator, is on the case. When the Malfoy Family is viciously murdered and Come Find Me, Jamesy is written in their blood, James decides enough is enough and brings backup on this increasingly disturbing case. Soon enough, Regulus Black, a nationally celebrated forensic scientist, is beside James while they examine the bodies of his relatives. Of course, the one thing that James doesn't know about his dear friend Regulus is that the man has a secret hobby of calligraphy. Only, the ink always seems to be in blood. [ Murder mystery except we know who the killer is - Hero / Villain ]

KISS THE CHEF Regulus is the loud and proud owner of a Michelin-star restaurant by the name of Au Bon Vivant. It's been in his family for generations, and after his eldest brother held no interest in taking it over, the reigns were given to Regulus instead. But the boy quickly found out what exactly was supplying his family with so much money over the years. [ chef Regulus Black / mafia boss James Potter - restaurant AU x mafia AU ]

MY CLOSEST YET FURTHEST FRIEND Regulus has always thought the Sun to be his only friend. Always a warm hand on his face while he goes about doing his daily duties, that is who the Sun is to him. He wants to meet the Sun, wants to meet the beauty that is that glowing brightness. Desperately, Regulus Black constructs wings to see his best friend. A pity that wax melts when too close to a fire. It turned out the Sun was James Potter, and he was so beautiful, so lovely, that it burned. [ mythology retelling - Regulus is Icarus and James is Apollo/The Sun - Sirius is Daedalus ]

A SPECTRE IS YOUR "MORTAL SOUL" There isn't enough room in this town for the both of them. When Vampire Regulus Black, posing as a Sheriff, saunters into the town of bandits looking for new prey, he doesn't realise his archenemy James Potter, a renowned Vampire Hunter, as well as actual Sheriff, is running the town. [ Western AU - Vampire / Vampire Hunter ]

IN THE CLOUDS, YOU LIVE STILL As the Wizarding War continues to surge on for far longer than anybody expected, the Death Eaters, now the losing side, lost their General, Regulus Black. Regulus, now captured and wondering if he is going to be tortured to death by some lackey, is met with horror to see James Potter, his old friend, assigned to Regulus' case without any knowledge of what, exactly, James has to do to the man he cared so much about. [ Friends to Enemies to Friends-Lovers? Forbidden Love AU ]

WRITTEN IN THE SUN (& THE STARS) After being professional (and exceeding famous) Quidditch stars, Regulus Black and James Potter finally retired after nearly fifteen years of playing. Now in their thirties, they're asked to co-teach a high-level Quidditch class in Castlebruxo. The one problem? They absolutely detest each other. [ Past-athletic rivals to friends to lovers -- Everybody Lives AU ]

[trixy812]

006 - Ambushed.

{Erwin Smith x reader}

⁀➴ Content: erwin smith x reader, levi is a really good person, reader is a victim of her own circunstanes, reader!soldier, tw: implied sa, angst, love it is not the end just a part of the story, self-love

⁀➴ Summary: You are recuited by Erwin Smith. He saved you from hell but, you need much more from him.

⁀➴AN: A couple of years ago, I sent this idea as a request, if you see something similar then, you will know it was me who sent it because I do not remember if I did it as an anon or with my username. I like the end of this. Please let me know what you think! :)

🅼🅰🆂🆃🅴🆁🅻🅸🆂🆃

༘⋆📼˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚༘⋆📼˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚༘⋆📼˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚༘⋆📼˚

The gray skies and dense air of Mitras District were memories that never left your mind. The day Erwin Smith entered your life, the walls around you seemed to close in and open up all at once. You had been passed from one aristocrat to another for as long as you could remember, treated as an exotic commodity because of your distinctive features that set you apart from the average population. To them, you were nothing more than a form of entertainment. However, that hellish cycle ended the moment Commander Erwin Smith extended his hand to you.

“With the secrets you've overheard, you could change the course of this fight,” he said in a voice that left no room for argument. He knew you had learned more than you ever wanted about the vices, frauds, and conspiracies the elite sought to conceal. It was a recruitment based on your traumas, but to you, it was an opportunity to escape your personal hell and become useful to someone like him.

Since then, you had served faithfully as one of his trusted aides. But your role in the Scout Regiment was unique. Erwin, aware of your past experiences, sent you on covert missions where you used your charisma to secure funding from wealthy nobles and merchants. Though you were aware of the morally gray nature of your tasks, you never questioned them. You were grateful to be useful, to be noticed by him—even if it was in that way.

You admired him, almost to the point of reverence. To you, he was a hero, someone who had given you not only a new life but also a purpose. Over time, however, that admiration deepened into something more. You couldn’t help but watch his imposing figure, his determined gaze, the way he commanded with both authority and compassion. You were in love with him, though you knew he likely would never see you the same way.

One night, after a long meeting, you overheard a conversation between Erwin and Levi. The latter, questioned the commander about the missions he continued to send you on. Erwin’s words sent a chill through your body:

“You know these donations wouldn’t last without her. It’s a necessary sacrifice.”

Your heart sank. Was that all you were to him? A tool to fund his dream?

That same night, after much deliberation, you summoned the courage to confront him. You found him in his office, absorbed in maps and strategic documents. Taking a deep breath, you spoke.

“Erwin,” you began, your voice barely audible, “do I... do I matter to you only for the money I bring to the regiment? Or do I mean something to you as a person?”

He looked up, his expression as stoic as ever. But his piercing, analytical eyes revealed something deeper. He took a moment before responding, the silence between you stretching painfully.

“y/n,” he began, his tone serious yet warm, “everything I do is for the sake of humanity. The decisions I make aren’t always fair or easy. You’ve been vital to our progress, but it would be a lie to say I only value you for that.”

He paused, letting his words settle before continuing.

“You are more than a tool to me. Your loyalty, your courage… they mean more than I can express. But my priorities will always lie with our mission. If that hurts you, I have no right to ask for your forgiveness.”

His words were a mix of comfort and brutal honesty, as was typical of Erwin—a man bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders, unable to fully give himself to anyone, no matter how much he might want to.

You stared at him, feeling a mixture of pain and determination. “If I’m truly more than just a tool to you,” you began, stepping closer, “then I want you to do something for me. It’s the least you can do after all I’ve sacrificed.”

He raised an eyebrow, a mix of confusion and caution crossing his face. “What do you want?”

“I want to spend the night with you, Erwin,” you declared, your tone serious even as your chest tightened with nerves. “For once, I want to be with someone I care about—because I’m always with grotesque, cruel men...” The words spilled out as an emotion-laden whisper. “And if you can’t meet this condition... I’ll leave the regiment.” As soon as the words escaped, you realized the weight of what you had said.

Erwin’s gaze bore into you, as if trying to decipher every corner of your mind. He couldn’t tell if you were bluffing, but he couldn’t afford to take the risk. The regiment depended on you more than he cared to admit.

The silence was worse than any reproach. His intense blue eyes scrutinized you, leaving you feeling utterly exposed. The pressure was too much, and you sank to your knees in front of him.

“It’s not true! I’d never leave the regiment! Please, forgive me, Commander,” you sobbed, covering your face with your hands. “I was an idiot to speak to you like that... You saved me from hell, and I...” Your words dissolved into broken cries.

“Stand up, y/n,” he said, his tone characteristically firm yet calm. His voice was an anchor in the storm of your emotions. Hesitantly, you obeyed, rising to your feet as his hand rested on your arm.

Erwin didn’t look away, and what he said next left you breathless. “What you’ve asked for will happen, but it will be a one-time thing. And we will never speak of it again.”

You hadn’t expected that response, but you couldn’t find the words to oppose him. You nodded silently as Erwin calmly walked to the door to lock it.

That night, you shared something you never thought possible. Being with Erwin, both of you vulnerable and exposed—not just physically but emotionally—was unlike anything you’d ever experienced. In his arms, without words, you felt safe.

The intimacy of being held by someone you admired so deeply was incomparable to anything you had endured before. It was different: there was no demand, only a silent understanding between two people carrying their own burdens.

As your breaths synchronized, you knew this wouldn’t change anything for him. But for you, it was enough. For once, you had been with someone you truly wanted.

When you opened your eyes, the soft light of dawn filtered through the curtains of Erwin’s office. He was already awake, staring at the ceiling with a calm yet distant expression. You were still in his arms, but the warmth of the previous night had been replaced by a cold reality.

“It’s time to get up, y/n,” he said softly, gently pulling away. His tone was respectful yet final, as if he wanted to draw a clear line between what had happened and what was to come.

You dressed in silence, avoiding his gaze. As you adjusted your shirt, you couldn’t help but wonder if you had made a mistake by risking everything. But at the same time, that night had given you a sense of intimacy you’d never known, and you couldn’t entirely regret it.

Before you left the room, he spoke. “This doesn’t change our responsibilities. I expect you to continue fulfilling your duties as you always have.” There was no reproach in his voice, but his words reinforced that this had been an isolated event, nothing more.

As the days passed, things seemed to return to normal, but you knew something inside you had shifted. You no longer felt invisible under his gaze. You knew he saw you as more than a tool. Yet his commitment to the cause would always outweigh any personal bond. Your feelings for him deepened, but you began questioning your role in the regiment. Was it enough to keep serving him, or did you need to find a purpose beyond being his loyal ally?

On the other hand, Erwin remained just as focused on his mission. However, there were subtle signs that the night had affected him as well—longer-than-usual glances, a slight softness in his voice when he spoke to you—that betrayed the fact that, even though he would never admit it, the encounter had left an impression on him. He knew he had crossed a line by agreeing to your request, but he also understood that he had given you something you desperately needed: to feel desired by someone you respected. He had agreed not because it was strategic or necessary, but because, deep down, he wanted to alleviate the burden he saw in your eyes. Though he knew he could offer no more, that night had been an emotional truce for both of you.

Yet, each time he saw you, a small pang of doubt gnawed at him. Had he been fair to you? Had he strengthened your loyalty, or only complicated your place in the Scouts? Still, Erwin buried these thoughts like he did with all his personal dilemmas, choosing instead to focus entirely on the mission.

⋆꙳•❅• •❆ ₊⋆⋆꙳•❅• •❆ ₊⋆⋆꙳•❅• •❆ ₊⋆⋆꙳•❅• •❆ ₊⋆⋆꙳•❅• •❆ ₊⋆⋆꙳•❅•

The training yard was empty except for you and Levi. You had decided to channel your emotions through exercise, hoping to distract yourself from the occasional glances at Erwin and the heavy feelings you carried. Levi eventually approached you.

“You seem more lost than usual,” he remarked, arms crossed.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you replied, trying to sound indifferent.

“I’m good at reading people, y/n. And I’m not stupid,” he said bluntly, though his tone wasn’t unkind. “I know what happened between you and Erwin.”

Your heart skipped a beat. You dropped your gaze, feeling exposed. “How… how do you know?”

Levi shrugged. “It’s obvious. The way you look at him. And the way he avoids looking at you for too long. Plus, I saw him lock his office door with you inside.”

“Levi, I…” You began, but your voice faltered. The words spilled out in a rush. “It was my fault. I pressured him. I blackmailed him, you know? It was awful of me. I love him so much, but I know it meant nothing to him. And now I don’t know what to do.”

Levi stayed silent for a moment, his expression unreadable. Finally, he sighed and spoke. “Erwin’s complicated. He’s got too much on his shoulders to think about anything other than his damn mission. But what you did wasn’t blackmail. It was a cry for help. You need to decide if carrying this weight is worth it.” Levi had never agreed with how you were being used.

“What if I leave it all behind?” you asked, uncertainty thick in your voice.

“You won’t,” Levi answered with certainty. “Because you know this place is about more than just Erwin. But you need to learn how to separate your feelings from your duty. Because in the end, Erwin can’t give you what you want, and you deserve more than that.”

His words hit hard. You realized that, while your feelings for Erwin were real, you needed to redirect your energy toward something that wouldn’t consume you. Levi was right. Staying with the Scouts might mean finding your own purpose, even if you never achieved the love you longed for.

After your conversation with Levi, something shifted within you. His words were like a beacon of clarity cutting through the emotional fog you’d been lost in. You decided you couldn’t let yourself be consumed by your feelings for Erwin, nor could you let your emotions cloud your sense of duty. Though you still loved him, you knew you had to channel that energy into something beyond him.

You threw yourself into your missions, working harder than ever. You became an even more valuable ally to the Scouts, earning the respect of your comrades with your dedication and resilience. Although your love for Erwin didn’t vanish, you learned to accept it as something beyond your control and moved forward, cultivating emotional independence.

Though Erwin remained your commander, and in many ways, you still admired him, you began to forge your own path. You found satisfaction in being useful—not just to Erwin, but to yourself and the greater cause.

Your relationship with him subtly changed. Erwin was no longer the center of your universe, and though his glances sometimes lingered, you no longer sought his constant approval. You had discovered a strength within yourself that granted you a freedom you’d never known before.

Your feelings for him remained, but deep down, you knew the most important thing was what you could build for yourself—without relying on anyone else to define your worth.

-

🅼🅰🆂🆃🅴🆁🅻🅸🆂🆃

[andreal831]

Enzo is the Morally Gray Character Everyone Pretends Damon is

Let's discuss.

Backstory

The writers didn't even try to hide it as they paralleled much of Enzo's background with Damon. If anything, his story is more tragic than the "poor little rich boy" story we get from Damon. I'm not discrediting the abuse Damon suffered, more pointing out the privilege Damon lived with, especially given his role in the Confederacy. No child should have to suffer abuse. But this privilege is often ignored when discussing Damon.

Enzo has a tragic childhood, being orphaned at just four years old and forced into a workhouse. Unlike Damon, Enzo was turned without any prior knowledge of the supernatural world. And he was turned by Damon's mother, tying them together. He was then abandoned as the only vampire he knew was locked in a prison world, leaving him to figure everything out himself. Damon was also alone, but this was done by choice. Like Damon, he also fought in a war, but unlike Damon, he fought on the right-side of WWII. We don't know much about this time in Enzo's life, but I do love that they almost give this story to Damon as well. However, Damon was only joining to be with Stefan and ended up not enlisting at all when Lexi talks him out of going with Stefan.

Enzo was captured by Whitmore and experimented on for ten years. He found love but compelled her to forget him to keep her safe, but was later killed by Damon. Similar to how Damon compelled Elena to forget him, but unlike Enzo when Elena chose to compel the memories away, he can't just let her be happy without him.

When Damon was also captured by Whitmore, Enzo befriended him, showing he still was caring person despite everything that had happened. Despite being held captive for twice as long as Damon, Enzo gave Damon his rations of blood for a year, starving himself so they could escape. But when the time came to escape, Damon left Enzo behind for dead. Because of Damon's actions, Enzo is then held captive for over 50 years.

Throughout the Show

When we meet Enzo his anger is initially directed at Damon, but upon learning that Damon kept his promise on killing the Whitmores, he forgives him for leaving him for dead and shifts his anger to the Whitmores. Enzo killing Aaron made sense since this was his entrance and his anger was still fresh, whereas Damon killing Aaron just showed that he hadn't actually had any character development that the show claimed he had. Damon also uses his position with the MF gang to manipulate Bonnie into helping by threatening Jeremy.

Enzo only turns on Stefan when he believes that Stefan was the one who killed Maggie. Finding out that it was his only friend that killed the woman he loved, instead of trying to kill Damon, he turns off his humanity because he feels so betrayed and heartbroken. Without his humanity, he targets Elena to get revenge on Damon. Stefan kills Enzo so then Enzo seeks revenge against Stefan. It's all logical.

The worst thing Enzo did was Sarah. This is my least favorite Enzo storyline, but not just because the death felt so pointless. But because it all felt out of character and random. Why was Enzo holding onto such a strong grudge for Stefan? Yes, Stefan killed him, but only because he was trying to kill Elena. Enzo's anger would have made more sense directed at Damon, but the writers couldn't let anyone be angry at Damon for more than an episode. But then Enzo doesn't even kill her. Sarah convinces Enzo to let her go

When Enzo kills, it is strategical. He doesn't do it out of joy, but rather because he feels he needs to and he has so much anger inside of him. Right or wrong, this is different than Damon's stance of killing for fun. When Caroline pushes back to Enzo, he says sometimes they have to kill for survival and they can't afford to hesitate. When Damon is called out on his killing, he says it is just part of being a vampire. He revels in it.

Even when Enzo is reunited with his long lost family, the Heretics, he doesn't enjoy taking their side. He is torn because he has never known a family and doesn't know what one feels like. He doesn't like harming the people he has known for a short while. He again chooses his blood family at the Armory initially, still hoping to find that family. But he's not really betraying anyone by doing this. The MF gang was never his family. Damon was his friend who betrayed him. He didn't owe them loyalty. But when Enzo finally finds family in the MF gang, in Bonnie, nothing will make him betray that. Unlike Damon, Enzo's loyalty isn't transactional.

Growth

The biggest difference between Damon and Enzo is that Enzo has the character development the show desperately tried to pretend Damon had.

Enzo values his friendships. When Damon dies, he is one of the main characters seeking to bring him back. Even attacking Stefan for giving up. Enzo comforts Caroline throughout the summer as she struggles. He counsels Bonnie to let him go because he'd rather her live and be safe than bring him back to life. He even talks her into forgiving Stefan so she doesn't live the rest of her life in pain.

Damon does very little to bring people back, usually just resorting to begging/forcing Bonnie. Even when Elena's in a coma, he doesn't spend the years seeking a loophole, rather he decides to desiccate and abandon his friends and brother. He misses his dead friends but doesn't honor their memories.

The writers actually learned from their mistakes with Damon. Damon entered the show as a villain in Season 1 and that was really hard to come back from. His assault on Caroline, killing Lexi, Vicki, and countless other people for fun, his yo-yoing back and forth between "good" and "bad" depending on how Elena was treating him, it was all too much without a really good redemption arc. Which they didn't bother doing. We don't see Damon ever feel remorse or apologize for anything. Everyone just forgives him.

While Enzo actually works to repair his relationships. He feels remorse for what he's done to the extent that he warns Caroline and Bonnie not to live like him. His very last actions are to make sure Bonnie forgives where he couldn't so that she could move on the way he couldn't.

Enzo was far from a perfect person, but he is by far a better "morally gray" character than Damon.

Race

While the show essentially white washes Michael Malarkey's background, we have to acknowledge the racism that plays a part. And even the larger disenfranchisement of Palestinian actors or even just Pro-Palestinian actors. Michael is proud of his Palestinian heritage. We can't ignore the impact this has had on him in the fandom and even with the cast and crew given their stances.

People are always quick to talk about the racism in the fandom, yet it always seems to fall short when discussing Michael/Enzo. It could just be because of the whitewashing in the show, but I've seen the discussion brought up more with Michael Trevino who is also a whitewashed character thanks to the shows blatant racism.

A lot of the complaints against Enzo is that he was taking roles they wished their favs had and he wasn't even a "main character. But why is Enzo not considered a main character? He has a 59 episode run time (4 seasons). He is classified as a main character online, but the fandom continues to sideline him. He has a longer run time than Klaus by double, yet we wouldn't say that Klaus wasn't a main character on TVD.

I've never actually seen legitimate reasons to hate Enzo. All of the reasons are farfetched or cherry-picking the plot so bad I swear they only watch certain character scenes.

Damon was a bad person who had moments of goodness. Enzo was a good person who had moments of "badness." I don't get why everyone wants to hate on Enzo just to make them feel better about liking Damon. Just like Damon.

But I love Enzo and I have so much respect for Michael Malarkey. They both deserved better from the fandom and the writers.

[fernsnailz]

Wait, Shadow and the rest of Team Dark worked for G.U.N? That feels really weird given his backstory, as well as Rouge's distaste for the law...

yeah lol, it's a bit unclear because they only work for GUN in some canon. rouge has always been an agent of sorts, starting in SA2 where she worked as an undercover agent for the president. however, the president and GUN are treated as two separate entities in that game, and rouge doesn't seem to have any connection to GUN.

the first time it's mentioned that team dark works alongside GUN is Sonic 06, where rouge and shadow are explicitly stated to be working as GUN agents. rouge is in communication with them pretty consistently throughout the game, and shadow's story begins with him on an official GUN mission to find rouge and the scepter of darkness. omega's role with GUN in 06 is a bit unclear - as far as i can tell, it's never explicitly stated within the game whether omega works for GUN or not? idk. if anyone has any sources stating otherwise lmk

of course, given that 06's timeline is basically completely erased from existence once the game's story ends, it's entirely possible that team dark's involvement with GUN starts and ends within the 06 timeline. future games never bring it up as far as i can remember... which brings us to the archie comics (as it always does).

the archie comics take 06's concept of team dark GUN agents and REALLY runs with it. all three members seem to work for GUN full time, where they operate under commander tower (aka the commander from SHtH 2005) and work alongside hope kintobor (genius teen related to the robotniks. it's complicated. she's also only there pre-reboot).

pre-reboot archie doesn't dive deep into why each member decided to join GUN. shadow starts working for them soon after he regains all of his memories and seems to work alongside them to ensure the general safety of the world, rouge is likely there for a paycheck (and any missions that involve chaos emeralds and various gems), and omega is. complicated. technically archie omega (pre-reboot) is a combination of e-123 omega and e-102 gamma (quite literally. like both of their personalities in one robot) and he was just kinda brought to work at GUN after shadow found him in the middle of a forest. don't worry about it

GUN mostly serves as a vessel for team dark to be sent on missions and adventures throughout the various archie sonic stories, and team dark is able to work alongside them without much conflict. that is, until the reboot.

after the super genesis wave (aka the reboot), team dark's first mission with gun is to destroy the black comet 2 and the black arms forces on it. they're not alone this time - they have a number of other GUN soldiers with them, and here we start to see the cracks between GUN and team dark form. given that they're fighting the black arms and shadow is half black arms, some of the GUN soldiers very clearly Do Not Like Shadow and Do Not Trust Him.

but what really matters here is what commander tower does during this arc - before the mission, he asks rouge and omega to neutralize shadow if he falls under the influence of the black arms.

while the reboot never had enough time to dig much deeper into the gray morality of GUN, it's very clearly a consistent trait of the organization. it's most apparent in the arc i just talked about, but future arcs hint at some shady stuff happening when they can. for example, GUN seems to have snively robotnik (aka eggman's evil nephew) on staff as a scientist, and they very clearly show us (in this panel i think is honestly kinda hilarious) that snively is Up To Some Evil Shenanigans.

with all that in mind, i can finally give my opinions on team dark as GUN agents. i completely agree with the sentiment you expressed in your ask - shadow working for GUN completely conflicts with his past, his traumas, and his characterization within most of the games. despite shadow being a "for the greater good" sort of person, i don't think he would ever trust GUN enough to work alongside them. and i think the same goes for rouge and omega, though to a lesser degree. while i think both of them would find it beneficial to work alongside GUN in some cases, ultimately they're both entirely self-driven and wouldn't see much of a reason to work for GUN full time. and because of this, i generally think it was probably for the best that the modern version of team dark just kinda dropped the GUN agent narrative. it puts less limitations on their characters, and the stories don't have to make every team dark related event about GUN.

and yet... i really like the stuff that post-reboot archie had going on. i love the inside look at GUN, and i love seeing how much pressure and strain they put on team dark. because ultimately, GUN is an antagonistic force that a group of heroes are working for. the military is a consistent obstacle in sonic stories, and to see how they impact the characters they've hurt the most from the inside of their organization is so interesting to me. GUN is doing the same thing that all of team dark's previous foes have tried to do to them - they're using team dark as weapons and turning them against each other. maybe the members of team dark wouldn't want to work for GUN, but GUN would do ANYTHING to keep the three of them around because all three of them are liabilities if they're let loose into the world with no supervision. GUN is keeping their enemies close and using them as weapons. and i fuckin love that

so while i'm ultimately glad that team dark is no longer associated with GUN, i would have loved to see a version of the narrative exploring why they left. they would all know GUN was just using them, but what would have been the final straw? did they resign peacefully? are they all on the run as rogue agents? i dunno! but i wish it could be explored a little, even if it wasn't canon or whatever. wghelp that's all i got for this one good night tristate area

[charms-cat]

Thoughts on TBOSAS

Disclaimers:

my memory isn’t the greatest + it’s been a couple weeks since I watched the movie + I only skimmed the book after watching

I don’t have the book on hand so I can’t fact-check this (my criticism is based on what I remember – feel free to correct me)

Buckle up bcs I’ve got an overthinking brain and a lot of opinions.

Coryo = Good, Other Students = Bad

They only had less than 3 hours for a movie that had enough content to be split into two (imagine if they’d cut it right when Coryo finds out he’s assigned to be a Peacekeeper). So I understand why they couldn’t flesh out every detail of Coryo’s relationships.

But lack of time doesn’t really explain why they couldn’t give the students some nuance. Obviously, we have the dehumanising comments/actions from Livia, Arachne, Felix, and Festus; a horrifying truth that hasn’t learned to disguise itself under ‘generous’ sponsors and ‘faith’ in a specific tribute winning. But why did they change the scenes of Clemensia and (more importantly) Lysistrata?

If you’ve read the books, you’ll know that Lysistrata is one of the kindest students. As far as we know, she didn’t suffer the same poverty as the Snows did and she doesn’t feel the same sense of kinship as Sejanus does with the kids from the districts. Still, she treats Jessup kindly. She brings him medicine when he tells her he’s in pain; she gets mad when Coryo’s angle for Lucy Gray’s image (that Lucy Gray’s more Capitol than District) meant that her angle for Jessup’s image (showcasing the District 12 tributes as a pair) would be jeopardised and thus his sponsors might be less; when she sees Jessup suffering from rabies, she offers to end his suffering by sending the water bottles; her final word about him, when it wouldn’t have given her any advantage to speak kindly about him and the Capitol had (until recently) been on high alert for ‘rogue tributes’, was to tell everyone that Jessup protected her when the arena exploded, even threw himself over her to protect her.

In the movie, she had one ‘prominent’ scene: Jessup’s attack. Maybe they were trying to showcase Coryo’s future ruthlessness by having him demand Lysistrata send the water bottles rather than use his own sponsors. But in the book, Coryo tries to send his own sponsor gifts before Lysistrata stops him and offers to send hers instead. In the original scene, Coryo’s care/affection for Lucy Gray is made obvious by how he’s willing to give up their hard-won sponsorships just to make sure that he can save Lucy Gray from Jessup; Lysistrata’s practicality also shows itself by how she willingly mercy-kills Jessup after seeing him going rabid on screen. He’s her tribute so she used the gifts that they won together.

It would’ve taken the same amount of time (or an extra minute) to keep her mercy kill and her final words on Jessup. Instead, we have Coryo’s demand + Lysistrata’s few seconds of hesitation to follow his words, despite them having an even better view of Jessup’s increasingly rabid behaviour.

Now, let’s talk Clemensia. She’s not particularly kind. Tbf in the book, she wasn’t around too long before she got bit by Gaul’s snakes. The next time she (properly) reappears, she’s cruel in how she withholds helping Reaper until he’s actually done something to ‘earn’ supplies. In the movie, she straight up disappears after getting bit (either that or the effects of the snake venom weren’t as horribly memorable as they were described to be in the book; if she really did disappear, then it also lessens the suspense of “what will happen to Lucy Gray?” later on since we don’t know the full extent of the venom’s effects). But the thing that cements my idea that “Oh, they’re trying to make Coryo look good compared to other students” is that they changed the circumstances that got her bit.

There are three key differences to her and Coryo’s meeting with Gaul:

1: when Gaul asks who came up with the ideas on the assignment, book!Clemensia claims that they both worked on it, but Coryo went by himself to drop it off; movie!Clemensia claims all the ideas for herself.

The decision to make Clemensia a selfish credit-stealer already deteriorates her likability to the audience, especially since Coryo (aka the person she’s stealing credit from) is our protagonist and, at this point in time, has ‘done’ nothing wrong. Hell, since the movie audience doesn’t know his less-than-flattering thoughts about Arachne, they only see that he was the one to rush to help her when she got stabbed. Clemensia, on the other hand, admonished him for seeming indifferent to Arachne’s death (when he told her that he had actually finished the assignment) but then goes on to claim credit for said assignment that she didn’t actually work on at all. Then the movie made it worse by changing Gaul’s dialogue from the book, namely:

2: Gaul asks/allows Coryo to fetch the paper first and

3: Gaul doesn’t explain the snake’s sense of smell until Clemensia has already put her hand in the tank (I’m 99% sure of this scene because I distinctly remember going “TAKE YOUR HAND OUT NOW, CLEMMIE” right as I read the lines).

Imo by making Gaul explain that “they won’t attack you if they’re familiar with your scent” before either Clemensia or Coryo could put their hands in the tank, it both lessens the suspense and makes it seem as if Clemensia is a very prideful person that would rather risk injury than admit wrongdoing. Which brings me to my next point ⬇

Gaul’s Depravity

There are three things I remember being weird about movie!Gaul

1: the aforementioned explanation about the snakes. The fact is that Gaul asking/allowing Coryo to take the paper first was her trying to lure Coryo and Clemensia into a false sense of security. If you don’t believe she was 100% baiting them, just remember that she doesn’t explain that the snakes might bite unfamiliar persons until it’s already too late for Clemensia to take her hand out. And when Clemensia does get bit, Gaul’s assistants rush in to inject the antivenom immediately, like they’re used to doing it. Gaul dismisses Coryo’s concerns by stating that it’s simply part of research. Then (just to drive in her callousness), Gaul dismisses him from her lab by saying it’s teatime. Coryo himself thinks Clemensia’s condition is a harsh punishment for such a simple lie.

2: she stitches up Coryo. I might’ve just simply forgotten about this, but I don’t remember a scene in the book where she personally stitches him up. After all, Gaul was willing to risk Coryo’s death in the arena (when he’s rescuing Sejanus) just to teach him the lesson that even he, with his good name and good education, would revert to predatory instincts to keep himself alive.

3: “rainbow of destruction” broadcast. Movie!Gaul indirectly warned the districts that there would be retaliation for the death of an Academy student. Granted, no one (except Coryo and Clemensia) would catch on to what “rainbow of destruction” meant, but she still warned them. When the snakes were released into the arena, people would know why they were released, why they were introducing a sudden new obstacle. Book!Gaul didn’t do that. iirc the Capitol didn’t even want the districts to know that they succeeded in dealing a blow to the Capitol (killing one of their top students/son of a prominent figure). Book!Gaul, as far as the general public knows, released the snakes for seemingly no reason than to make the Games harder. Book!Gaul didn’t even warn Coryo properly; she said there would be retaliation, but she never indicated that she would be specifically using those snakes. Coryo chanced upon the snake tank during the transfer; had he missed seeing the tank after hearing those words, he might not have made the connection that would eventually save Lucy Gray.

Positive point for the broadcast: they kept her cruel classism. They cut from the scene of the tributes killing each other to the broadcast where her opening statement was, “An important life was taken today”. I could’ve strangled her right then and there.

Modern Hunger Games

I’m sure other people have put it more eloquently than I have, but the 10th Hunger Games resembles the more modern (e.g., 74th) Hunger Games too closely. Imo the resemblance kinda strips away the initial point that the Games (without all the fanciful performance surrounding it) is a cruel and brutal punishment to force kids who don’t want to kill each other to have to kill each other to go home (does this sentence make sense?).

1: Communicuffs. In the book, the mentors used a glorified watch but, in the movies, they used TVs. You might think this is a minor thing and maybe I am overthinking it, but imo the use of a big screen makes the Academy mentors resemble the Gamemakers in the 74th/75th Games, who used big holographic screens.

2: Bloodbath. Now, I definitely remember that the 10th Games had no bloodbath. iirc Reaper was the only one ready to fight, but he took too long to get ready/get a weapon and, by the time he was geared up, everyone else had disappeared into the corridors of the colosseum. When no tributes appeared after a while, Reaper disappeared into hiding too. So, the focus was on Marcus who’d been crucified. The first death was Lamina mercy-killing Marcus.

If anything, changing the start of the Games into an actual bloodbath destroys the thesis that these kids don’t actually want to kill each other. Yes, they want to go home but that doesn’t mean they’re eager to get their hands bloody to do it. If anything, the bloodbath proves Gaul right that people are inherently predators who would do anything to survive; that compassion can be easily discarded in the face of survival. That’s the antithesis of what the Hunger Games are meant to be. Because we see time and again that compassion can exist among competitors for survival – Katniss singing to Rue, Thresh sparing Katniss in turn, Cato rushing to save Clove, Haymitch staying with Maysilee, Jessup protecting Lucy Gray, Reaper making a makeshift morgue for the dead tributes.

A bloodbath is only understandable in something like the 74th Games. Since, as far as anyone knew, the Games were here to stay. So Career districts trained their children, non-Careers grasped onto whatever knowledge they could take advantage of (Katniss’s hunting, Rue’s climbing/tracker jackers, Peeta’s camo, etc.) There were possibilities for sponsors if you were promising and a guarantee of a life of luxury if you won. So, what better time to cut down the number of competitors than when no one has supplies? Compared to the lack of…motivation during the first Games. You’d have the same type of trauma, but nothing to “soften the blow” like securing a better life for your loved ones after you win.

3: Cameras. What was with all those camera angles??? I understand having camera angles for the movie audience, but why did the Capitol audience see the same thing? One of the problems of the Games was that it wasn’t interesting to watch. The Capitol wasn’t chomping at the bit to watch an arena of nothing, for tributes they didn’t actually care about. That’s why betting was introduced, to motivate the Capitol to watch out for the tribute they were betting on, if only to confirm that said tribute was still alive.

Being able to know everything in real time undercuts the suspense of certain scenes – why was Lucy Gray running from Jessup? Why did Wovey(?) suddenly die after drinking from a water bottle? Why did Coral betray Tanner(?) In the book, we learn all this in time with Coryo. When Jessup attacks, Coryo quickly connects the aversion to water (I think Jessup swatted away the bottle Coryo was trying to send to Lucy Gray) + the bite Jessup felt on his neck + the rat poison needed around the zoo to conclude that Jessup had rabies. He had to come up with a strategy on the spot vs. when he already had an inkling by watching Jessup’s aversion to water and sudden aggressiveness to Lucy Gray in the barricaded room. As for Wovey(?), Coryo figured that the bottle was laced with rat poison vs. when we saw Lucy Gray dump in the poison. As for Coral’s betrayal, we never find out why in the book vs. when we see them having an argument in the movie (this one’s more minor, but the thing about “knowing ‘everything’ that goes on with the tributes” plays too much into the modern Games perspective; personally, her sudden betrayal made it more shocking compared to when their movie!argument already starts hinting to future betrayal).

4: Gaul’s Snake Mutts. I hate the decision to make the snakes gigantic (or normal snake size idk). The book!snakes were about as long as a ruler and were so thin that a single normal-sized tank could hold hundreds of them. They were meant for Gaul to play around with in the lab. Gaul herself didn’t intend to use her snakes in the Games.

But the reason why I really hate the gigantism of the snakes is that it dramatizes the Games in the same way as the sudden appearance of the dog mutts in the 74th. The shocking burst of the tank feels a little too close to how the Gamemakers added in mutts to up the ‘excitement’ vs. book!snakes that never burst out; they simply slithered their way out their opened tank and began surging towards all the unfamiliar smells.

Extra negative point for trying to convince us that a tiny handkerchief maintained its smell long enough to travel throughout the entire tank; this without even considering that Coryo inserted the handkerchief from the bottom. What, were the snakes passing the handkerchief up?

Infallible Coryo

Again, might be overthinking on my part, but I feel like the movie made it seem like Coryo was more strategic than quick-thinking. One of the things that made me like him was that he was intelligent in the way that he could come up with solutions on the spot. So it’s a bit disappointing that they replaced that trait, especially since it comes at the cost of Lucy Gray’s own intelligence/agency (I’ll explain this in the next point).1

1: Coryo checks out the arena the night before the Games. Again, might be misremembering but I don’t think he ever did this. Or if he even had the time since I think a lot of the Academy kids were hospitalised after the bombing and then the Games took place right after.

2: Coryo collects the rat poison vs. Lucy Gray collects it herself.1

3: one thing about Katniss’s Games that made it more realistic imo is that part of her survival relied on luck. If her dad hadn’t taught her how to hunt, she might’ve not even found water during those first days in the arena; if Cinna hadn’t chosen to be a stylist in her year and Peeta hadn’t made her look desirable, then she might’ve had less sponsors than she did. So, I don’t like that they changed how Coryo found out about the snake mutts.

As said in my previous point: book!Coryo chanced upon the tank transfer. If Gaul hadn’t called him for a meeting; if the scientists hadn’t left him alone with the tank; if he’d taken out the handkerchief beforehand – had any of his circumstances changed, Lucy Gray might’ve died from the snakes too.

But thanks to movie!Gaul’s broadcast, movie!Coryo knew/had strong suspicion of exactly what was about to happen. He knew where to go, he had an excuse to see Gaul (ig you could say the lucky part is that Gaul didn’t turn him away/direct him to the hospital instead), he knew he needed the handkerchief; all he had to do was execute his plan. If they wanted Coryo to look smart, I’d say it was more impressive that he could connect the tank transfer to Gaul’s retaliation almost immediately after seeing the tank.

Lucy Gray = Good, Other Tributes = Bad, Coryo = Worse

1: when I say other tributes, I mostly mean two instances –

Jessup’s abandonment. Like I said in my first point, Lysistrata said that book!Jessup protected her during the bombing vs. movie!Jessup attempting to run away/escape. Between Jessup’s constant protection of Lucy Gray and that Lysistrata had no reason to lie (especially about a specific action), I 100% believe that Jessup really did his utmost to protect Lysistrata at the time. It feels like a slap to the face that, in their attempt of making Lucy Gray look good, they took away one of Jessup’s kindest, self-sacrificial actions. It almost feels like they’re making him a bit classist himself since he doesn’t hesitate to protect a District kid, but they changed the scene where he protected a Capitol kid. Point is: they did my boy, Jessup, dirty bcs he (at the very least) wouldn’t abandon Lucy Gray while escaping!

Coral’s alliance. istg Coral’s alliance starting the bloodbath and hunting down Lucy Gray and Jessup was mimicking the scene of Cato’s alliance murdering in the bloodbath and hunting down Katniss. Especially since they also had a scene where one of them (I’m so sorry idk his name, but it was the kid that said he was scared to go through the door flap/Cato) tried to chase after them by going through the door/climbing the tree.

Idk if they were trying to ‘foreshadow’ District 4 eventually becoming a Career district, but no. They could be ruthless (forcing Lamina to choose who to fight), but they weren’t the same kind of ruthless hunters as the Careers in the 74th. (Going to repeat my point that these changes only prove Gaul’s point that we’re all inherent predators.) The worst part is that their bloodthirsty alliance is contrasted to Lucy Gray’s kind camaraderie with Jessup (her worriedly searching for him and dragging him away from the fight asap). Both Coral’s alliance and Lucy Gray should’ve been at the same ‘starting point’ – kids who resorted to killing, not ones who were so eager to get home that they start murdering as soon as they get their hands on a weapon.

2: Coryo does the thinking for Lucy Gray. Gonna elaborate on my two previous points…

Coryo checks out the arena. This one bothers me so much bcs can they really not give Lucy Gray something as basic as knowing how and where to hide? Why is it Coryo that has to tell her exactly where she can hide and how to get there? + for some reason, they added an underground bunker? Imo they could’ve had even more suspense if they kept the fact that there was no bloodbath and all the tributes were hiding in the stands/corridors. It also would’ve been the perfect scene to showcase Lucy Gray’s smarts by making it so that she had to figure out how to avoid/hide from multiple tributes in a confined, unfamiliar space.

Coryo collects the rat poison. This one bothers me a lot too bcs, even though Coryo gave the compact specifically to hold the poison, Lucy Gray is the one who decides to bring it into the arena. I feel like making movie!Coryo collect the poison instead of her takes away her agency how she wants to survive the Games. Book!Coryo doesn’t see her in the zoo so he can only hope that she’ll risk cheating by bringing in the poison; it could’ve been easy for Lucy Gray to lie and say that nobody took the bait or that she didn’t bring in enough poison since he had no proof whether she did or didn’t have poison during the Games. The fact that movie!Coryo pleads(?) with her to take the compact, knowing that it’s carrying poison, makes it feel more like he’s forcing her to take a risk rather than letting her choose. If the compact had ended up being empty, then they could’ve bs something like he wanted her to have a memento of him during the Games instead of it being an instrument in cheating.

3: Lucy Gray’s calculated kills. One of the things that makes Lucy Gray nuanced is that she does bad things of her own volition. She’s trying to survive the Games so it’s not as if it’s a despicable thing for her to be cunning. But movie!Lucy Gray’s too good to even be that, as proven by how she kills. Book!Lucy Gray kills Wovey, Treech, and Reaper; movie!Lucy Gray kills Dill and Treech (there’s supposed to be a third, but I don’t remember who).

Book!Lucy Gray was deliberate. She knows she isn’t as fast or strong as some of the others so she preps to take out the other tributes through other means –

Wovey: iirc Lucy Gray poisoned a bottle and then just dropped it in the corridor to make it seem like it was a lost bottle. iirc she says something along the lines of “Poor Wovey. I was aiming for Coral, not her”. Intended victim or not, she baited a thirsty tribute into drinking what seems like their only source of water.

Treech: he swings a weapon at her while she’s trying to retreat. In self-defence, Lucy Gray reveals that she kept one of the snakes and releases it on Treech. I’m highlighting the fact that she kept it bcs Lucy Gray keeps it despite seeing the frenzied assault the snakes launched on all the other tributes. (idk if this is before or after Treech, but she also counts the corpses so she must’ve seen the effects of the venom). Either way, she kept it with the intention of quite possibly using it.

Reaper: iirc she admits to poisoning the puddle Reaper was drinking from. Then, she makes the poisoned Reaper use the last of his energy to chase her. Coryo himself says that she was trying to “run him to death”. Unlike the previous two killings, Lucy Gray knew exactly who she intended to kill and what she’d need to do to achieve it. He wasn’t drinking from a bottle so she found out which puddle he was drinking from; he was protective of his morgue so she made him chase her by running off with the flag.

Movie!Lucy Gray still did things intentionally, but it felt more hasty than calculated. She killed Dill the same way she killed Wovey, but it felt less like deception (making her victim think that she dropped a perfectly good bottle) and more like force (every other bottle is empty so there’s really no choice). Not really much to comment on Treech’s death since it’s quite similar, just that her ‘last resort’ is different.

I get that they were pressed for time so they had to hasten the end of the Games, but it feels like such a pity to lose Lucy Gray’s cunning in the process.

Mentors

Quick aside here, but why did they make it so that the Academy kids didn’t know that they were going to be mentors? They already knew that they were going to be assigned a tribute. iirc Coryo was worried since he wanted a ‘good’ tribute and, when all the ‘good ones’ were gone, he hoped that Dean Highbottom forgot him instead of assigning him a tribute from District 12. It seems unnecessary, but maybe I’m missing something.

EDIT: got some thoughts on this movie change

Translating Thoughts to Expressions

I understand that a lot of Coryo’s more rancid opinions remain as thoughts. Esp since he’s constantly trying to look not-poor and so that he can gain any advantage he can get. So he doesn’t say anything about Sejanus (Strabo Plinth could give him money), Ma (she gives him good, free food), Arachne (he has tact), Gaul (have you met the woman?). But there is one thing that stands out to me; a good chance to show the movie-only audience that he’s actually putting up an act: Sejanus calling him Coryo.

I think it’s more obvious in the book, but only Tigris and his childhood friends ever call him Coryo. It’s a nickname reserved for people he’s close to. So, the fact that Sejanus says it so casually takes away the momentum of the moment where Sejanus feels like they’ve grown close enough for him to use it. Book!Sejanus says it in a moment of apology – “I’m sorry. Coryo, I’m sorry” – bcs Coryo had to save him from the arena and, not only was Sejanus’s action fruitless, Coryo ended up killing Bobbin and being hunted by the other tributes. Movie!Sejanus says it when Coryo finds him in the arena. I can’t remember the line, but it’s when he was trying to explain why he was there. He just blurts it out in the middle of the sentence like he’d always been calling him Coryo.

Anyway, the reason why I say this is an opportunity to show Coryo’s true feelings is bcs this is one of the few times where Coryo has the possibility and ‘safety’ to slip up. When book!Sejanus calls him Coryo, he’s emotionally overwhelmed and physically exhausted. He’s horrified by his murder of Bobbin, anxious about the tributes chasing him and Sejanus, frustrated/angry that the Peacekeepers didn’t help them until the last minute on top of his annoyance at Ma turning up at their house, disdain for Sejanus (Coryo being his only friend meant that Ma turned up at his house specifically), and his initial worry/fear of going into the arena. Sejanus assuming he could use Coryo’s nickname would be the cherry on top of an already hellish night. And when I say ‘safety’, I mean that Coryo’s expression could’ve easily been hidden from Sejanus by making it so that the shadows of the colosseum shrouded him.

Over-explanation

This might be my most overthinking one, but I feel like the movie treats the audience like they’re a bit stupid? Like they’re explicitly explaining rather than just letting us make inferences. There’re three changes I can think of for this.

1: Snake mutts. I won’t explain this scene again, but movie!Gaul specifies that the snakes would recognise the “sweat on your palm”. She’d already explained that the snakes wouldn’t attack familiar smells, like the ones that they’d been around all morning. This explanation + knowing the tank had been lined with their papers was (imo) enough info to clue in that “the snakes won’t attack bcs they’ve been smelling the papers”. The extra tidbit just feels like they’re not sure we’ll understand how lining the tank = snakes not attacking.

2: “rainbow of destruction”. Not explaining this scene again either, but the broadcast did make it seem very in-your-face about what was gonna happen. It doesn’t help that Gaul emphasises that distinct phrase.

3: Jabberjays. So, jabberjays singing like normal birds to blend in, but turn silent when they're recording. And while Coryo uses this knowledge of how jabberjays work, the scene falls flat a bit. Bcs book!Sejanus doesn't know how the jabberjays work. Coryo cleverly turns on the recording function and then gets rid of him quickly after he gets the info bcs he knows it'd be sus if Sejanus figures out that "hey, why was this bird silent the whole time but suddenly starts singing?" But, in the movie, they repeat the fact that the bird falling silent means it was recording bcs Coryo replays the recording. (Maybe I’m misremembering this)

Still, Sejanus dies without knowing Coryo was the traitor. Or he should, but they reveal the recording again right before they hang him. Just in case we couldn’t figure out why he was being executed ig 🙄

Well, that’s the end of my vent. If you’ve read this far, thank you fro reading, but also feel free to correct me if you think/know I’m wrong about something.

[linkemon]

You're out of touch, I'm out of time (Hayakawa Aki x Reader)

Friendly reminder that English is not my first language. You can check my Masterlists both in English and Polish here. Consider supporting me on Ko-fi. You can also check out my commissions if you’re interested.

Other oneshots can be found here.

ᴀᴋɪ'ꜱ ᴀᴛᴛᴇᴍᴘᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴄᴏᴘɪɴɢ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʜɪᴍᴇɴᴏ'ꜱ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ. ꜱʜʀᴏᴜᴅᴇᴅ ɪɴ ᴄɪɢᴀʀᴇᴛᴛᴇ ꜱᴍᴏᴋᴇ, ᴛʜᴇ ᴛᴏᴋʏᴏ ᴍᴏʀɴɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʀᴇꜱᴇɴᴄᴇ ᴏꜰ [ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ].

ᴀᴅᴅɪᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟ ɪɴꜰᴏʀᴍᴀᴛɪᴏɴ: 1. ᴏɴᴇꜱʜᴏᴛ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴀɪɴꜱ ꜱᴘᴏɪʟᴇʀꜱ ꜰᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ 1ꜱᴛ ꜱᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴀɴɪᴍᴇ (ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ꜰɪʀꜱᴛ 5 ᴠᴏʟᴜᴍᴇꜱ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀɴɢᴀ).

Aki took a drag on his cigarette and blew a puff of smoke into the air. The dim morning light slowly filtered through the gray darkness surrounding the city. A shinkansen whizzed by in the distance. The suburbs of Tokyo were coming to life. It was calm. Everything is in its place. And yet he didn't feel like that at all.   

— You only recently got out of the hospital. Already smoking? — A familiar voice startled him. The cigarette froze halfway to his mouth.  

He didn't need to turn around to know that it was [Reader] standing behind him. Apparently he forgot to lock the door behind him when he arrived. He will have to do this. Power and Denji certainly won't do it for him. As he knew them both, after returning from the mission, this would be the last thing they would think about. Their priority was always to demolish the apartment to add him more work.

— What are you doing here? — He dared to glance at her.  

She hasn't changed at all. She looked just like at the time when three of them, including Himeno were still active in the Public Sector of Devil Hunters. Before [Reader] went private. He wished the other woman had done the same. Maybe then she too would wake up for work now, just like him. Maybe she would still be alive.  

— What do you think? — The woman leaned on the railing of the small balcony.  

— You came because — the tremble in Hayakawa's voice was almost imperceptible — Himeno is dead.

— Partially, yes. — She nodded.  

Like him, she stared into the grayish distance. He couldn't guess what was going through her mind.  

— Give me a puff.  

He obediently handed her the cigarette. [Reader] inhaled the smoke, then exhaled it lazily.  

— I can't believe that bitch is dead — she said. — It seems so obvious in our job, but... I never thought it would happen to her.  

Aki was well aware that she and Himeno hated each other. It was a strange relationship that depended on working together when they had to. But they never achieved the same intimacy with each other as he did with both of them. He always felt like there was some bone of contention between them. Whenever he tried to find out what really separated them, they changed the subject. It was so hard to get it out of them that after a while he stopped asking. Only the last letters given to him by the deceased's sister led him to a possible reason.  

It turned out he guessed correctly. The reason women never liked each other was because of himself. The affection they both had for him led to a deep rivalry between the two of them in various spheres of life. Especially professional. Hayakawa Aki was what divided them but also what connected them in a way.  

[Reader] looked at the unlit end of her cigarette. The man never found out how they had fought over him while drunk. She grimaced at the memory. The hair being pulled hurt like hell, as did the slaps to the cheek. Maybe as a hunter she should be used to pain but this was something different than fighting demons. Eventually women landed next to each other, panting and made a pact. Aki liked Makima. Whichever one would ever emerge victorious from this competition, which was unlikely, at least they agreed on this point. She was a harbinger of trouble. There was something mysteriously terrifying and dangerous about her. They were going to do everything to prevent him from ending up with her.  

She flicked away the ashes. There was a time when she withdrew. Much to Himeno's delight. Private work was less stable than government work but it gave a better chance of survival. Leaving Hayakawa at the mercy of her rivals did not make her happy. However, she did not have enough determination to take on the hardest tasks day after day. She wanted to have some peace, so she had to get away from them.  

— They've slaughtered so many people lately that they're looking for contracts with private owners. Preferably people like me. — [Reader] sat on the balcony railing.  

Surprise appeared on Hayakawa's face. Had she really come here to return to the place she had fled from?  

— I thought you were tired of risking your life.

— Let's say I changed my mind.  

He didn't like it at all. He didn't need another person in his life to rest a few meters underground. With the same white cross as the rest of the hunters, in an endless cemetery. A place where the only thing you could hear were black ravens lamenting because of the lack of food.  

— Don't come back — he said confidently, putting out her cigarette in the ashtray.  

She seemed more outraged by the fact that he had taken away her source of nicotine than by what he had said.  

— Just don't give me sentimental talk. If you don't want me in the Division 4, just say so and I'll sign contract with another one. I'll stay in Tokyo anyway, so I don't give a damn what you think.  

— [Reader]… — Whatever he wanted to say got stuck in his throat.  

He was tired. So tired from the last few days that he didn't even have the strength to argue with her. He was still no closer to his goal. The Gun Devil seemed to be moving away from Aki's will for revenge. He might actually have had a chance with Denji but he felt like he couldn't cope anymore. Himeno's death was sort of the nail in the coffin. A border beyond which something inside him changed.  

There was silence, broken only by the sounds of the city coming to life. He felt like having another cigarette this morning. His addiction was just one more thing his late partner left behind.  

— I have two years left. — The weight of these words hung in the cold air.  

[Reader] turned her head towards him for the first time during this meeting and really looked at him. Her face showed sadness, anger and compassion that he hated. She knew well how much of his life the katana had previously consumed. Now his remaining time had shrunk even further. This was his last bargaining chip. Why would she stay here? Even if she managed to survive and get her life together, she couldn't count on him. Soon, he won't be here anymore. He followed the same path as Himeno. Straight to the grave. 

— So I'll stay here for two years — she said confidently.  

It was only when she touched his face that he realized he was crying. [Reader] gently wiped away the salty drops that ran down his cheeks. Aki didn't know why he was falling apart anymore. After all, he mourned Himeno in the hospital. Maybe it still wasn't enough? Or maybe he missed his family? Times that will never come back? Future where he could live normally? Lost years?  

— I promised Himeno that I would take care of you.  

Hayakawa didn't say that this was probably the first time she called her by her name. He had never heard her use this form before. Bitch appeared much more often in her vocabulary. Besides, the woman was not indebted to her. 

The warm embrace he was locked in didn't help at all. He felt like it made him fall apart even more. His black hair had come out of his ponytail and was now falling around his face. He embraced [Reader] like his life depended on it. His fingers gripped the fabric of her shirt tightly. He knew why she did it. She hugged him so he wouldn't look at her face. Because silent sobs also escaped her throat. They might have hated each other with Himeno but she missed her too.  

— Another cigarette? — [Reader] asked, laughing through her tears.  

She hastily wiped her face. Crying didn't suit them. She pulled out the last cigarette from the pack. The same one they smoked when the three of them were still together. He recognized it by the packaging. The fire rising from the lighter danced with a bright flame and immediately went out. A familiar scent rose up along with a wisp of smoke. Himeno should like the taste.

[desertfangs]

I haven't yet read the books (there's so many!) I've only watched the iwtv movie and TV show and I love Claudia in both but I've had people tell me in the books she's awful and considered to be one of the series villains. Idc about spoilers I just wanna know how true that is bc I dunno if I'd want to read that lol

Hi anon! I was excited to see your ask this morning because I'm gonna tell you something: Claudia was one of my first favorite characters in the series and her death devastated me. Louis was my first fav (understandable, he's literally the protagonist of the first book, we're meant to sympathize with him!) and when he lost Claudia and became numb in his grief, I related. I hated Armand for what happened to Claudia and I held a grudge for a long time.

Anyhow, I can't speak to the show so much as I've only seen season 1, but if you like the 94 movie, you will probably like the novel Interview with the Vampire. It's a pretty close adaptation.

To get to the heart of your question, no, Claudia not an awful villain. Anymore than Louis or Lestat are. If anyone is a villain in IwtV, it's Armand, and even he is not a mustache-twirling evil guy.* Everyone in this series in morally gray and does terrible stuff. I emphasize that because I've been in this fandom for a long time and I've seen all kinds of arguments about who is evil and who is not, and the fact is, all of our vampires do questionable things. That's sort of the point. So it's arguable how much there even is a villain in IwtV outside of Louis' own depression and grief, but Armand probably gets that honor.

Claudia in the books was turned around the age of 5. She is a very small, doll-like child who doesn't seem to retain much, if any, memory of her human life. She is more purely a vampire than Louis or Lestat can really fathom because she lacks that humanity and a connection to humans. She's a natural hunter and killer.

She doesn't understand Louis' sentimentality for humans, and resents Lestat for withholding information she knows he has about their kind. She is a complex and fascinating woman trapped in the body of a small child to the point where even Louis, who loves her dearly, cannot really see her as an adult and struggles to accept her agency. She does manipulate both her parents, in part because they don't often see her as a capable equal, which she very much is.

She does eventually rise up to kill to Lestat out of desperation. She believes he will not let Louis go and knows she can't travel around alone, given her appearance. Lestat himself is devastated by this and by her loss, and even says later he understands why she did it. That he probably deserved it for what he'd done to her, which was trap her forever in the body of a very young child, something he admits was selfish. (And something Marius had actually warned him against doing beforehand, LOL!!)

Like in the movie and the show, she does die at the Theatre des Vampires, and Armand is more responsible for that than I've heard he is on the show (he tells Louis he couldn't have stopped it, only to later reveal he orchestrated it, which Louis knew the whole time).

She appears later in The Tale of the Body Thief mocking Lestat and acting as a sort of voice for his subconscious, but she is just his hallucination in he book. He's dealing with a lot of trauma and grief and that manifests itself as Claudia's ghost.

Where you might be hearing she's a villain is from Merrick, where both her diary and spirit appear and are... not very nice. I gotta say, I am not convinced that is actually the spirit of Claudia that gets conjured, and even if it is, it's possible she's been warped somehow. But I also haven't read that book in decades and often tend to ignore it, so I am not an expert on that score.

I hope this helps! I'm always happy to answer questions about the books! (They are my special interest, if you cannot tell.)

But I do want to say that if you are a fan of the show and curious about the books--which are very different!--I highly recommend you read at least the first few yourself. The best way to judge if you'll like the book versions of the characters and story is to experience it yourself. There's a lot of misinformation that gets passed along about the books, and a lot of misinterpretation due to that because people just repeat what they've heard without having read them. And hey, they still may not be your cup of tea, and that's totally fine! But you won't know if you don't try, you know?

Anyhow, thank you so much for the ask! 💖 Claudia is awesome and deserves more love in the book fandom, but because she dies so early on, she doesn't get as much attention sadly.

*And even when he is, we love him.

[mikonoe]

This isn’t really a comprehensive theory, but I do want to put it out there.

Before Double came out, there was a fairly popular theory that Mikoto, rather than John, had been the one responsible for the murders.

There have been cases in Milgram of indirect killing and a victim commiting suicide, but no case of a false accusation. Mikoto and John are a special case, however, so this likely holds no weight to it.

Essentially, the theory consisted of the idea that Mikoto buried the memories of committing the murders himself, and John protects him from said memories. This also plays into the fact that John doesn’t seem to know much about his host, only serving to protect him mentally.

There’s a lot I could theorize about Mikoto’s DID, given how little we know about how it affects him; however, I’ll save that for a different post.

John himself appears to not hold much information about the actual murders, otherwise he is purposely withholding knowledge. Telling Es that he killed people who brought stress onto Mikoto would connect the blame to the host, signifying that perhaps Mikoto did play some part and undeniably linking the person he least wants involved to become entwined with the case.

Even if it turns out that it was, in fact, John to kill the victims, his words still make sense.

Obviously, many members of the fandom are upset with the portrayal of an “evil alter” in Mikoto’s DID. I sincerely hope this isn’t how the story is going to be written, especially considering how well Milgram has handled discussing other issues by leaving a lot of gray area for viewers to explore.

I’d like to think that John is merely playing into the role of an evil alter, in order to paint Mikoto in a more pitiful light and further ensure his innocence.

This doesn’t help John, no, but it’s supported by his consistent self-destructive behavior; he likely doesn’t care what happens to him as long as Mikoto is kept safe. Do I even need to mention the line “If it’s for ‘me,’ I’ll do anything”? Anything could definitely include destroying your own image for the sake of your host, the person you were literally born to protect.

Again, I’m hesitant to fully believe in my own theory, despite how much I hope it turns out this way. I would greatly appreciate any suggestions or things I missed that may either validate or invalidate my theory.