#It would be SO fucking funny if nobody else bought tickets for that showing. It would just be the three of us

[shima-draws]

So for those of you who don't know, I was a MAJOR theater kid growing up. And the recent release of the Wicked movie has catapulted me straight back into my childhood. My mom and sister are also super big into musicals AND it's my mom's birthday today so I told her I'd buy her movie tickets for her birthday. She was kinda worried about going opening week bc she didn't want to go to a super crowded theater with a lot of kids, which is like, absolutely understandable. So we were like. Okay we need a late showing so there will be less kids. On a day that won't get as heavy foot traffic.

Anyway I bought the tickets for Thanksgiving night literally ALL of the seats in the theater were open LMAOOOOO everyone's gonna be too busy eating Thanksgiving dinner to go see a movie!! I'm so excited I'm going to blow up

[viksalos]

hi Sarah! would you like to tag 5 songs that you listen to ? :)

hi clo! :D like ANY songs? ok uhhhh i'm gonna try to pick some new stuff i've been listening to instead of stuff I've already posted about a bunch lol. also as usual i got carried away talking about music so i wrote a little about what i like about each song, but for tl;dr purposes i'll tag my 10 people up front: @axiolotl @avoidingdestiny @stoneboss @everoutoftouch @lilybee @famishedst @sealab420 @iloveyoutoodeath @mousey-toy @saisons-en-enfer (<-people i remember interacting with posts about music recently but if anybody else sees this feel free!)

People Are Good // Depeche Mode off their new album Memento Mori. when I went out for goth night last weekend we got there pretty early and they played this while there was nobody out on the dance floor and we were just playing pool, but the DJ apparently heard me go like "ayyy depeche mode!" cus he played it again for us when more people showed up so we could dance to it. it was nice lol

Eat an Eraser // Princess Goes to the Butterfly Museum kinda catchy synth rock? like reminds me of synthpop-era Ulver almost? like i said in that photoset i reblogged earlier today, found this on my discover playlist and apparently it's fronted by Michael C. Hall of Dexter fame which is so fucking funny to me. i fell off of Dexter after season 3 and had no idea what the dude was up to til now lmao

More // Low this one's been on intermittent repeat since the vocalist Mimi Parker passed away of cancer last year. i had an aunt who was kinda like a second mother to me, was about her age, and passed away of cancer, so i feel for everyone who loved Low, and this song kinda reminds me of her. i also consider this album to be noise (among other genres) and while i love harsh noise i also think this song shows off the breadth of the genre--here the distortion is used to carry a lovely wistful melody

Things That Scare Me // Neko Case another one from my discover playlist. i thiiiink the lyrics are about how conservative values in America lead to gun violence? but as usual i'm enamored with the guitar and banjo picking--i may or may not be on the verge of a big neko case phase we'll see. i feel like i'm gonna take up some kind of music-making hobby after i graduate and knowing me it's either gonna be a noise project or the banjo. duality of woman or whatever

93696 // Liturgy off their latest album of the same name. it's a 15 minute avant-garde black metal epic--this was Liturgy's closer when they played my city in December and it was insane to hear live

honorable mention: The New York Trader // Lankum only an honorable mention cus you already picked the other lead single off this album lol, but i'm so glad we agree it's a banger!! the last ~3 minutes of this song in particular are nuts. bought a ticket to see them in September even though it's 4 hours' drive away but whatever it was 20 bucks 👍

[forasecondtherewedwon]

The Stand-up Sit-Down

Fandom: The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel Pairing: Midge/Lenny, Mei/Joel Rating: T Word Count: 3462

Summary: The messy transition between a Carnegie Hall triumph and a possibly ill-advised double date.

Now that the performance is over and Lenny has left the stage, they’re being buffeted by the crowd. Everyone’s remembered that there’s going to be traffic and foul weather when they get outside and they’re in a hurry to flag down the first taxi.

Midge fights the stampede and her emotions. They’re kind of a funny constellation, maybe dick-shaped, that assemble into a pretty nice night, though the reality is that they’re billions of miles apart. She’s bursting with pride for Lenny—so much pride she could spray it up the wall and ruin the wallpaper, à la Miss Esther Maisel—and she’s almost smug that Joel and Mei were here to witness his success; thank god she was able to get three tickets. Even if she and Lenny were dating, she wouldn’t have any claim on his Carnegie Hall triumph, but it’s hard not to want to show him off. It reminds her of hitting the Gaslight with Joel and beaming around at the laughing audience while he did his (stolen) set.

This, tonight, is something she and Joel would have done together if they were still married. One of them would’ve surprised the other with the tickets and they’d have made a night of it, probably tried to find someplace to fuck on the premises before or after to really round out their experience. Midge has some affection for the thought. It could be a comfortably distant affection if not for Joel being right beside her, shielding Mei from the elbow of someone throwing on their overcoat as they exit the auditorium.

“Hey!” Joel snaps. “It’s too cramped for that! You coulda hit her!”

The stranger doesn’t hear or doesn’t care and their party of three continues to move with the crush of bodies. Midge stumbles and gets her footing back without anyone’s help. Joel’s entire focus is on shepherding Mei into the lobby, sheltering her as best he can with one arm around her back and the other flung out to prevent anybody else from getting too close. Midge remembers him acting that way with her. She remembers it far too clearly. It’s not even that she’s jealous, or that she wants Joel back, or that she doesn’t have someone waiting (possibly quite literally) in the wings, it’s just having to be without that level of commitment to and awareness of another person when it’s physically so close. It’s the remembering that’s a killer.

“You should tell people that you’re pregnant,” Joel quietly counsels his girlfriend. Midge wishes she couldn’t hear. “Make ’em give you some room.”

“I’m fine, Joel,” Mei says. “I’m not fragile.”

“Mei. Just until we get through…?”

“Nobody would care. They’re all riding the high of seeing Lenny Bruce perform.”

Joel looks across and his eyes meet Midge’s. She offers a half-smile for the old-time’s-sake recognition of how much he’s riding the high of seeing Lenny Bruce. Originality of material aside, Joel has always been a fan of Lenny’s craft, of his brilliance and charisma. Of course, so has Midge. It’s something they shared.

Midge has been keeping pace with Joel, shoving through the crowd at the same speed because she’s annoyed that he naturally tried to lead them out. She planned this, she bought the tickets, she knows Lenny (better than she’s revealed to her guests), and so she needs to be at the front as they escape the masses and begin to wind their way sideways towards the backstage reception. She’s a little out of breath.

They manage it though, and Midge finally gets ahead of Joel when he says, “Maybe we should wait.” A lot of people have hung back to gladhand the man of the hour and they can tell exactly which direction Lenny’s in based on the animated glances and the increasing density of bodies. Midge ploughs ahead. The second he spots her through a circle of his admirers and his eyes sparkle with excitement, she gets a reprieve from the mixed feelings of bringing Mei and Joel. She doesn’t need to work to flaunt her closeness with Lenny; it’s a breeze when he introduces her in a tone ringing with pride and then abruptly dismisses his fans and comes straight to her.

“Was I alright?” he asks modestly, dipping his head as he defers to her taste.

Midge beams up at him.

“I can tell you they won’t regret the money they spent on painting your room.”

“Thank goodness. And these are your guests?”

She turns and takes in Joel and Mei. Wow, she really had forgotten about them for a minute there when Lenny floored her with that look of his.

“My ex-husband, Joel,” Midge introduces, motioning with both hands as the men shake in greeting, “and Mei, his…”

“Girlfriend,” Mei says firmly. She accepts Lenny’s handshake next.

Midge finds the word choice interesting after what she and Mei discussed at the hospital, after Joel came to her and more or less announced his intention of marrying Mei. She glances at Joel and can tell he wishes Mei’d said something different, but it can only be his fault. Has he not proposed? Boy, she does not want to think about that. Thankfully, it’s easy enough to distract herself, placing a hand on Lenny’s arm. At the touch, he looks down at her. He’s still smiling like a kid on the last day of school, but there’s something more he’s thinking about, she can tell. But he won’t bring it up in company.

“Thank you all for coming to my ridiculous little event,” he says.

“Oh, it was great,” Joel says, and Mei nods.

When Midge quits trying to determine whether or not Mei even likes stand-up or if she just came along because it’s one of Joel’s interests, she realizes everyone’s kind of taking each other’s measure. Mei’s watching her boyfriend stare at his ex-wife’s hand on another man’s arm. Lenny throws her a look that seems to ask if these guys know. Of course they don’t know, she replies with her eyes. She and Joel still see each other and speak during fake birthdays and family dinners, but she certainly hasn’t mentioned the fact that she spent a transcendent couple of hours in a hotel room with one of his comedy heroes.

“Did you enjoy yourself?” Lenny astutely questions Mei.

“Yeah,” Mei says. “It was such a nice change from another night in my family’s gambling den.” Lenny’s eyebrows sail upward. “If I look grouchy, it’s just that my feet hurt. I’m… pregnant.”

She communicates the information like it’s a social disease.

“Well, we have got to let you sit down somewhere.”

Lenny starts looking around for a chair, though they all know he isn’t about to spot one in this sea of people.

“We’ll just go out,” Midge says. “We were gonna go out and get a late dinner.”

“I’ll come with you,” Lenny says immediately. He runs a hand down his tie like they’re the ones he needs to look sharp for.

“Lenny, you’re not leaving this. They’re all here to see you.”

“We couldn’t ask you to do that,” Joel chimes in. “Stay. And Midge? You’ll want to stay, right? With your…”

If she were Mei, here is where Midge would supply the word “boyfriend.” Being herself, she recognizes the bad fit without needing to say it aloud. Euphemistically, she let him see the show corset. Frankly, they had sex. He told her he loved her at least twice (One: “You are more important than god.” Two: “To you? Always.”). She’ll never forget the look in his eye or his hands on her skin or the weight of his body pinning hers to the bed. But are they dating?

“With Lenny Bruce?” Joel eventually says.

Lenny laughs at the use of his full name, but he has the grace to do it softly, under his breath, and not embarrass this starstruck fan who also used to schtup his current squeeze.

“I could,” Midge says, “but I invited you two. I’m not going to throw you over for the people at this reception.”

“This is your world,” Mei counters. “Maybe we just don’t fit.”

The way she says that, resting her hand possessively over Joel’s chest, gets Midge’s back up. Listen, sister, she wants to say. Your boyfriend’s the one who cheated on me. Don’t act like I pulled away and you rescued some lonely, heartbroken victim.

“What really isn’t going to fit is another person back here,” Lenny says, breaking the tension. “Let’s slip out. You’ll be doing me a favour. I was too nervous to eat before I went on anyway.”

You do look thin, Midge thinks, but she believes what she saw in his hotel bathroom is to blame for that.

“Lenny…” she starts.

“No, no,” he says. “Let’s go. They’ll all keep each other company. Nobody’ll notice I’m gone.”

“Your manager will kill me.”

“Sweetheart, I promise I’ll plead your case. I’ll get you a fair trial before a jury of your peers, at the very least.”

“You should come,” Joel decides. “We’d love to have you join us.”

Midge’s gaze goes from Joel to Lenny. Christ. Was it the “sweetheart”? He can’t do this—this stupid posturing to put himself between the world and two different women. Let him save Mei from elbows. Midge does not need or want her ex-husband’s jealousy when he sees her with Lenny.

“I would be delighted,” Lenny concedes, elegantly smoothing across the interpersonal minefield Midge has accidentally delivered to him. She should’ve just brought him flowers. “If you’ll just allow me to shake a few of the wealthier hands on the way out…”

“I know how that one goes,” Joel says. “Mei, Midge, let’s stick together, huh?”

He takes his girlfriend’s hand, but holds his stare on Midge’s face. It’s like a warning not to run off. They give this stare to Ethan a lot (who, taking after his mother, ignores it), and Midge is affronted to be on the receiving end. Still, she feels less ruffled than Mei looks.

“He’s just excited to meet Lenny,” is Midge’s apologetic whisper to Mei as their foursome turns and walks back the way they came.

There’s a hard look in Mei’s eyes when they land on hers.

“You don’t need to explain Joel to me. He’s my boyfriend.”

“Ok,” Midge says, backing off.

“You think I don’t know Joel? I know Joel.”

“Alright.”

Midge darts between two women having a conversation in order to circumvent Joel and end up at the front of their straggling queue, next to Lenny. He smiles at his elated fans, thanks them. His fingers twitch like he wishes he had a cigarette. She pays attention to him, just like he said he does with her, but in between shaking the hands of important people, he turns quickly to her, speaking quietly.

“You and I need to have a conversation.”

“That doesn’t sound good,” she says bluntly.

“You won’t enjoy it,” he predicts, “but it’s for your own good.”

He almost sounds like he’s joking, not enough time for the good-humour he’s using to speak to everyone else to leave his voice. His eyes are intense though. They worry her.

“Not over dinner,” she requests.

“Definitely not. This is about your career. It’s none of their business,” he says, glancing behind them towards Mei and Joel. “Especially your husband’s.”

“Ex-husband’s.”

“Does he know that?”

“He’s not normally like this,” Midge says. “I think meeting you has made him a little… competitive.”

In spite of whatever serious topic of discussion about her career he has on his mind, Lenny lifts a scampish eyebrow.

“Don’t,” Midge instructs.

“I will be excellently behaved. You’re getting Carnegie Hall Lenny Bruce.”

She hums, unamused.

“Maybe he can accompany our dinner on the violin,” she suggests dryly.

“Stop reminding me how funny you are,” he says. His voice is suddenly tight, like the smile he gives the last person in the hallway before they break free of the reception. From a lone table against the wall, he scoops a black wool coat. “If you act like a comedian, I’m going to expect you to work like a comedian.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Lenny sighs and turns a tensely exasperated expression on her, but Joel and Mei are right on their heels, so his face clears once more.

Though the lobby has emptied out a little during their journey into the bowels of Carnegie Hall and back, there are still plenty of people standing around, waiting on cabs.

“Shit,” Joel remarks, scanning the space. “I’ll go grab our coats.”

While he’s gone, Lenny smiles at Midge and Mei.

“We can wait this out while we eat. They’ve been wining and dining me all over Midtown this week. I know some places not too far.”

“We’re walking?” Midge checks.

The three of them turn. Through the other people standing in the lobby, they can see out to the thick blanket of snow on the sidewalk, the heavy flakes still falling fast. Visibility disappears beyond that.

“We should’ve come by sled,” Mei says grimly.

“It’ll be fun,” Lenny says. “Like snowshoeing.”

“Without the snowshoes,” Midge adds, and he winks at her.

“Precisely.”

Joel returns and the four of them slip into their coats.

“What’s the plan?” Joel wants to know, feet planted at shoulder-width as though he’s squaring up to box. Midge figures they probably will need to brace themselves the second they’re out the door. The wind looks fierce.

“We’re walking,” Mei announces. She buttons her coat shut with a look on her face like she’s about to storm the trenches.

“How far?”

“Until we get there.”

Midge stares at Mei, staggered by how fast she corralled Joel, who’s now sighing in evident acceptance.

“Nicely done,” Midge mutters.

Mei shrugs.

“Never show weakness,” she replies.

Midge isn’t sure if she’s kidding. She’s aware of Mei’s deadpan sense of humour, but the two of them haven’t really joked around so much as Midge has inadvertently overstepped and Mei has let her know it with flat sarcasm.

If she’s serious, Midge is worried. Alright, being vulnerable in her marriage to Joel didn’t really serve her well, but that was his problem, not hers. People have to show weakness sometimes. If Mei doesn’t feel like she can with Joel… No. It’s none of Midge’s business. Mei is kidding and Midge will butt out. If she wants to concern herself with showing weakness in a romantic relationship, then the closest thing she has to one of those is with Lenny, and she doesn’t need to stress over showing weakness there because she gave in, didn’t she? Wasn’t letting him see that she wanted him too some kind of proof? And he’s always been open with her about his feelings for her, whether that meant shameless flirting or the very sincere, pleading look he got in his eyes when they were in bed together. He’s just not as open about other things. Like the contents of his toiletry kit, which he told her were not for her.

Because he didn’t want to show weakness.

Wow. They are quite a group, the four of them. Strange and unexpected insights all over the place and they haven’t even made it to dinner yet, though the gentlemen are now shoving the doors open to clear the way for Midge and Mei. Other performance-goers scowl and shrink back from the icy wind that whips inside.

Midge can’t help reaching out and turning up Lenny’s coat collar for him, a little more protection from the cold. He glances back at her and smiles.

“Not so much worse than last time,” he lies as snow blows across his shoes.

“Last time?” Joel questions.

But then they’re all shoving out into the blizzard and it’s too loud to carry on a conversation unless they want to yell. Midge watches Joel tuck Mei’s arm through his as they hurry along, denting snowdrifts with their shins. Lenny’s hand lands on Midge’s back and he propels her forward. With her coat on, she’s warmer than she was the last time they had to make their way through the snow. Part of her wishes this was then, that they could go back to the time before she walked into his bathroom, before he bore this mysterious frustration towards her.

“Cross the street up here!” Lenny shouts, and they all swing a left at the intersection.

The light’s against them, but there aren’t any cars. In the interest of spending less time outside in the elements, they hunch into the wind and plunge through the snow where few have walked tonight. Joel’s guiding Mei more slowly, so Lenny hops ahead, pulling Midge with him, his arm fully around her now. She’s squinting so hard that she barely sees the door of the restaurant opening before she’s stepping into warmer air and adjusting to the sudden loss of the sound of roaring wind.

“Fuck,” Joel pants emphatically as they bat the snow off themselves in the vestibule.

“You said it,” Mei agrees. “My legs are numb.”

Midge shrugs out of her wet coat and shakes it, scattering slush on the floor. When she looks up, both Lenny and Joel put a hand out to take the coat from her. Her gaze dances around before it settles on Mei’s wary face. She decisively passes her coat to Lenny.

“Ladies’ room?” she asks Mei.

“I think I just got my nose powdered with snow, but yeah, ok.” Mei looks at Joel. “Get a good table. Far away from the door.”

“You got it,” he says.

“I’ll name-drop myself,” Lenny offers, spreading his hands, “if it helps.”

They leave the men to speak to the maître d’ and shiver their way to the bathroom as their bare arms welcome the warm air of the restaurant.

“So what?” Mei demands once they’re inside.

Midge was going to check her lipstick first, but Mei’s crossing her arms and giving her an impatient look.

“I like you,” Midge says. “I want us to get along. I think it might help if you know that I slept with Lenny.”

Mei’s eyes widen before her expression returns to neutral.

“I did kinda think it had either happened or was imminent. The way he looks at you…”

“He’s always looked at me like that,” Midge says. She’s being honest. She can’t help that being honest allows her to brag.

“Damn,” Mei says, frowning and clearly impressed.

“I know. All that and Carnegie Hall. He’s very good.”

“You don’t say.”

Midge gives her a look.

“I mean as a comic.”

“You look good together,” Mei pronounces.

The surprising compliment means more to Midge than she can express. She considers babbling out an explanation of how she and Lenny are not actually together exactly, but it’s not worth it to ruin this valuable understanding she and Mei might finally be developing between them.

“You and Joel too,” she says simply.

“Thanks.” Mei gives her an assessing look. “I may not tell Joel about you and Lenny Bruce immediately. I’m not sure how he’ll handle it. I think we have a better chance of a nice dinner if he doesn’t cause a jealous scene.”

Midge is stricken at the thought, shocked by Mei’s casual admission of Joel’s jealousy.

“There is nothing like that between us,” Midge vehemently assures her.

“You and Joel?” Mei snorts a laugh. “I’m talking about Joel and Lenny. Did you see Joel’s face during Lenny’s routine? Total infatuation. We leave ’em alone long enough and my boyfriend may try to kiss your boyfriend directly on the mouth.”

They exit the bathroom and spot the table Lenny and Joel have secured. It’s a good table. They seem to experience the same impulse to stand there a minute. Midge knows Mei’s watching Joel meet someone he idolizes, and she’s watching that idol, Mr. Lenny “Carnegie Hall” Bruce, shine like a firefly after his incredible performance—the man manufactures his own light.

When they go over and join them at the table, Midge isn’t sure any effort to conceal the affection between herself and Lenny will be worth it; they feel obvious to her. He leans towards her when he speaks, reaches for her hand under the table to see if her fingers are cold. The whole thing would be blown if Joel weren’t equally wrapped up in Mei, fussing over her comfort.

“We are still gonna have that talk,” Lenny says, just to Midge. “I’m just not going to ruin our date.”

“Escaping a blizzard together is not a date.”

“The ingratitude! That’s the last time I alter the atmosphere for you,” he teases.

He’s wrong; the longer he looks at her, the warmer she feels.

[lovelylarrie]

my harry miami cancelled show experience:

hello, as y’all may already know, i went to the harry event on friday 01/31/2020 and it was an absolute disaster. hands down one of the worst things recently to happen to me. let me start by saying i have NO hate or anger towards harry, i love him. this was at the fault of the venue and pepsi and everyone coordinating the event.

i arrived in line on wednesday, two days before the event. we slept under a bridge on the streets of miami for two nights. we got there and i was initially number 20 in line (i moved up to 12 because people ended up getting wrist bands and not coming back), a fan organized the line and was really amazing at making sure everything was fair. there was no parking allowed on the island so we had to be dropped off while our friend parked the car in downtown miami.

the first thing that happened that was messed up was on wednesday they released tickets that were significantly cheaper than what we paid. i paid around 300$ (as did everyone else in line) and they dropped the price to 100$ and refused to give us refunds. apparently some people in line were able to get refunds so it was really inconsistent and unfair. i called ticketmaster multiple times and was unable to get my money back.

a few hours before the show they released “rules” which said we could not have portable chargers. it was annoying bc we all had bought them just for the show and they told us literally HOURS before that we couldn’t take them in. also, the venue was JUST BUILT. like we watched them finish building the venue up until the day of the show. there was nowhere for us to call and get information about the show or anything, there wasn’t even a website. so it seemed really unprofessional for them to send out rules and info about the show literally hours before when they should’ve given us more time to prepare.

the day of the show they moved us into an “official” line at like 6pm, the show wasn’t until 8:30 and they didn’t let us in until 8:30.

at 8:30 they let us through and there were like 8-9 security gates. i chose a slow line and the security guy saw i was shaking because all i could see were people that were behind us in line running past me and getting into the pit before me. the security guy literally made me take a deep breath and even more people got ahead of me. i didn’t get barricade but got right behind my friends who were barricade. i was number 12 in line and waited two days and didn’t get barricade lol.

the show took forever to start but finally mark ronson came on and played literally an hour and a half of shitty 2015 songs... he played old town road TWICE. it honestly felt like he was on stage for a decade.

during this people were holding up signs on their phones BEGGING security for water. they took like 10 years to give us water and eventually brought out bottles and we were all sharing and passing around water bottles. security started chucking bottles into the crowd and i was so scared like they almost knocked some people out by hitting them in the head. apparently security was laughing about throwing the water bottles as well. the girl next to me and i started crying bc we didn’t get any water and both felt like we were going to pass out.

after lizzo performed (she was amazing btw) i was about to pass out but they had set up all of harrys stuff and i kept telling myself it’s okay bc he’s gonna be right there i just needed to push through. at midnight we were still waiting for harry but did sing him happy birthday once it hit midnight. at like 12:15 they posted this on the screen:

nobody moved. we thought it was part of harrys set bc we were on an island and haha eroda!!! then a voice came on and said we needed to evacuate bc there was a tropical storm.

finally i decided to leave my place in put and pushed through the crowd and went up to the bar and asked for water bc i was going to pass out. they said they’re not giving out water bc it will “encourage us to stay.” i went into the vip section and scooped up ice and started eating that bc it was my only option and security YELLED AT ME and i snapped and told them i was going to pass out and they snapped back and told me i needed to leave.

the funny thing was, we weren’t allowed to park on the island!!! we had nowhere to go!!! the streets were completely flooded and the venue’s roof was leaking and the front of the venue was starting to flood. and they slowly started barricading us out of the venue. i yelled at security and asked why they were doing this to us and they said it was because it’s “more safe to be outside than inside the venue.” can someone explain to me why they would build a venue that is on an island in MIAMI FLORIDA WHERE IT TROPICAL STORMS WEEKLY and they did not make it safe enough for a storm.

we started walking around outside and realized the uber pick up spot was completely flooded, also uber prices were EXTREMELY HIGH. we walked past an area they had tented off and they were getting all the rich people on busses and bussing them out lol. they were all the famous/rich people who got to stand above the ga section. my friends and i were sobbing walking around the venue trying to find a place to go, we were shivering and people and security were laughing at us for crying.

we eventually got an uber back to our car and on our drive back home we heard about a bus on fire outside the venue?? there was a video so idk what happened but i hope everyone’s okay. we hydroplaned the entire way home and i was genuinely scared for my life.

so yeah that’s my story. fuck the meridian and fuck pepsi for putting everyone in danger and placing us in a venue that could not handle a storm.

i’m okay now. we got refunds but that’s not really the point or what matters. it’s really hard for me to listen to harry because it reminds me of the whole situation. it was genuinely really scary and nobody truly understands how difficult and scary the situation was for everyone involved unless you were there. we have a group chat of everyone there and we’re all supporting eachother through it. i think everyone is okay but still in shock over what happened. being shoved into a storm and flooded streets in miami and not knowing where to go or how to get home or if you were going to get home was so scary. it wasn’t safe to drive but it was our only option.

[chemiste]

Foresight ~ ch. 1

A/N : hey y’all, this is the very first chapter! please let me know what you think of it, feedback is greatly appreciated :) love Anna

You were so fucking excited for the concert.

Maggie and you had been saving up for a trip to Europe during spring break and were floored to get to go. It also helped that her father had been kind enough to take you girls with him on his company jet since he had a meeting in Germany (CEO of one of the biggest companies had its perks). 

After Maggie and you had parted ways with him, you both spent a few days traveling around Darmstadt when Maggie got a call from her father saying one of his colleagues had gotten concert tickets to a show in Basel for his daughter’s birthday but she wasn’t going to be able to make it and gave them to him for Mags instead.

“Ya dad, what’s up?—no way really? Of course we’ll go! Okay, tell him thank you for us!”

“You got concert tickets.” You stated, after taking a sip of your lemonade you bought from the small German woman that had been selling them at the farmer’s market you both stumbled across.

 Maggie rolled her eyes at you, “I can never surprise you can I?!” You laughed, “Sorry! It’s not like I can help it.” “I know, you’ve got your super psychic abilities that unables me to throw you a surprise birthday party!” She exclaimed, then blew a raspberry as if to prove her disappointment.

You were psychic, sort of. Your parents first noticed it when you would say the delivery line of a joke in sync with the late show host of whatever was playing on the TV. 

At first, they thought you must have heard it beforehand but then it just kept happening during things they knew were new airings. You also were never surprised, ever. Which probably was a bit of a bummer but it’s not like you knew any different. The moment they knew you had some sort of ability was during your middle school’s raffle at a spirit week fundraiser. 

They both watched in awe as you recited the 8 number combination of the winning ticket before it had been drawn.

After that significant event, they took you to a doctor who referred you to a colleague that dealt with psychological abilities. They were the ones to inform your parents you basically just knew things before others could. It couldn’t be classified till you got older and even if you did more tests, it wouldn’t do anything so you’re parents just decided to leave it at that. 

You weren’t conscious of yourself doing it when you were young but as you got older, you could catch yourself thinking about something like it’s going to rain in 8 minutes and 36 seconds or I feel really bad that the little girl just dropped her ice-cream just seconds before it happened.

Well, it was a great party trick to use at uni shindigs.

Maggie smiled as a notification popped up on her phone. “Dad just sent over the concert tickets, let's go to the train station and see if we can get a ride straight to Basel.” 

Fortunately, you both had your suitcases with you since you were originally going further down the road to France and then Switzerland, but oh well, you could just reroute. Both you and Maggie were buzzed to be able to go see a concert on your trip and didn’t hesitate to change your plans.

It was easy to find the station and after a bit of horrible German from Maggie to the ticket booth woman, you both had boarding tickets to Basel. 

“I’m really excited to see Harry Styles, the new album is really good.” You said as you both settled into a train booth and hoisted the suitcases to the overhead compartment. 

“I never told you— oh never mind, yeah I’m pumped! These tickets are for the floor so you bet your ass we’re squishing our way to the front. I’m too damn short to be anywhere else!” You chuckled at her statement. 

You started humming the melody of a song that had been stuck in your head all afternoon and scrolled through some pictures on your phone and decided to post something on Instagram.

The ride was uneventful, plus a great time to book a room on Airbnb and catch a small nap before the concert that night. Maggie and you took a cab from the train station to the lovely home you were spending the night in, or rather the spare guest home that was in the backyard. 

It was a fantastic find since most motels had been already booked for other spring breakers, apparently, the couple that was supposed to stay that night had to cut their trip short cause the man’s sister was going into labor in London. 

Well, that’s what the elderly lady—Martha call me Martha— said as she took you girls to the back house.

While Mags rummaged through her clothes looking for something to wear, you very graciously flopped onto the king bed that was pressed to the back wall.

Her head popped up from the other side of the case, “What are you gonna wear Y/N?” She stood up with a sequin pink top stretched out between her to hands to examine it, “I’m thinking this sparkle top thing I shoved in my bag last minute and my black denim skirt.” 

You let out a whine and sat up, “Yeah that will look nice, I’m thinking I’ll wear my Ramones t-shirt and some high waisted blue jeans—ya know the ones that make my ass look fantastic?”

Your bubbly brunette friend nodded her head excitedly at you and then suggested getting a quick bite to eat before the show. “We’ve got several hours to kill before.” After you got dinner, you headed down the street to a small bakery that you snapped a photo of to post later and got some goodies to snack on.

Maggie moaned as she chewed her Mandelgipfel, and you unwrapped one of the Biberlis you purchased. On the walk back, you thought about the setlist (which you had conveniently pulled up on your phone to see what you’d be watching).

“I’m really excited to hear Carolina, he sings like he’s sex on legs during that song.” She told you as she threw her napkin into the bin as she walked by.

You threw your head back and laughed, Maggie could sure be blunt sometimes, you thought to yourself.

Once back at the AirBnB, it was a bit of a mad dash to get ready. You did your favorite makeup and a good hairdo that would last threw all the headbanger songs. Mags went with space buns and bright pink eyeshadow to “match her sparkle shirt of course!” 

Before you knew it, the pair of you took a cab to the concert center and were into the venue without a hassle.

“Excuse me! So sorry, trying to get through!” Maggie demanded as she pushed through the crowd, her 4th beer in one hand and yours in the other, having a pushy small friend has its perks. Somehow, you don’t really know how (too busy trying to make sure your vodka didn’t spill) she managed to get you both to the very front of the stage.

People in black were on various parts of the stage, clipboards in hand. Some had walkie talkies and would speak into them every so often, you wondered how they could hear a response with such a loud crowd.

Maggie and you finished your drinks and put them into the bin over the barrier that was thankfully just an arms reach away. A few minutes later, the lights went dark and everyone started to cheer. Mags leaned over to you, “I think Mabel is coming on!”

The songs Mabel played were fun and the pair of y’all bounced to the beat of God Is A Dancer, the girl bowed and finally the rubric cube showed above on the large screen.

Screams filled the arena, you hollered while your friend jumped up screaming like a preteen.

And then there he was.

Only Angel was fantastic, and Harry looked amazing. He was decked out in a black sequin jacket and pants that shined with every minuscule movement the man made. It was jaw-dropping, to say the least.

After you jammed to Woman, snapped a picture during Ever Since New York, and rocked with Maggie to Two Ghosts, he took a pause to speak with the crowd.

“‘ello! ’m Harry Styles, nice to meet you.” The crowd erupted in cheers. “It’s lov’ly to see all your beautiful faces t’night, ‘m so glad you could make it t’ the show!”

“This next song is one of my favorites to perform, this is Carolina.”

Maggie nearly had a heart attack when he said the first syllable, and you were having a blast as well. Also good to note that yes, Maggie was right, he does look like walking sex when he performs that song (but I mean, when does he not).

You were mesmerized by the way he owned the stage, like it was his lover. You closed your eyes and rolled your body to the beat.

As the song ended, Harry seemed a little jittery which intrigued you, just a moment ago he seemed so confident. Maybe it’s because he’s nervous to perform his new songs.

Wait, what?

“— and uh, we’ve never play this before, this is a new one, this one’s called Medicine.” Maggie and you looked at each other with wide eyes and screamed with the crowd as well, the vodka was starting to kick in and your mind was floating in bliss.

Here to take my medicine, take my medicine

Treat you like a gentleman

Give me that adrenaline, that adrenaline

Think I'm gonna stick with you

Here to take my medicine, take my medicine

Rest it on your fingertips

Up to your mouth, feeling it out

Feeling it out

You were singing along with the song having a grand o’l time of it, what you didn’t realize is that Maggie was standing next to you, staring at you with the pikachu surprise face. 

She grabbed your shoulder, “You know the lyrics?!” You looked at her with a mild expression, “ya? Don’t you? It’s what I was humming on the train.”

I had a few, got drunk on you and now I'm wasted

And when I sleep I'm gonna dream of how you—

“—TASTED!” You yelled up during the pause. Immediately you knew something was up when Harry’s head snapped over to look right at you. You were the only one to scream that to him. “Oh, fuck! Nobody else knows this do they?!”

If you go out tonight, I'm going out 'cause I know you're persuasive

You got the salt and I got me an appetite; now I can taste it

You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy

La la la la la

You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh

You said to Maggie as people around you gave you a funny side-eye. She shook her head and laughed. “It’s no fair that you were jamming to this hours before I was!” It’s whatever, just enjoy the show Y/N!

Tingle running through my blood, fingers to my toes

Tingle running through my bones

The boys and the girls are here

I mess 'round a bit

And I'm okay with it

The boys and girls are here

I'm messing 'round with them

And I'm okay with it

As you went back to dancing, your fuzzy state of mind didn’t seem to register that a certain singer was watching you as you sang every lyric with him.

Oh god, there must have been a leak somewhere, Harry thought as he finished the chorus.

I'm coming down, I figured out I kinda like it

And when I sleep I'm gonna dream of how you—

“—Ride it!” You yelled out subconsciously. Fuck I did it again! You thought. 

Harry couldn’t believe it, there you were, in the front row acting like nothing was strange about you yelling out lyrics he had purposely not sung. He kept going and let his eyes skitter around the crowd of people close to you.

If you go out tonight, I'm going out 'cause I know you're persuasive

You got the salt and I got me an appetite; now I can taste it

You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh

La la la la la

You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh

They seem just as confused as I do, so luckily, maybe it’s a fresh leak that can be fixed quickly. God, I’m going to have to get a new laptop aren’t I? How are people so damn good at hacking, Harry thought.

I had a few, got drunk on you and now I'm wasted

The rockstar shook his head and waved his hands during the ending of the lyrics. The lights went out and he took a deep breath. It’ll be fine.

If you go out tonight, I'm going out 'cause I know you're persuasive

You got the salt and I got me an appetite; now I can taste it

You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh

La la la la la

You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh

The song ended and the concert attendees roared with praise of hearing a “supposedly” unreleased song. Maggie pulled you down into a crouch as she saw the singer looking with hawk eyes over the area they stood. 

“Y/N, He totally heard you! And I don’t think he’s too happy about it.” You both slowly stood up to see him walking over to Mitch, his guitarist and whisper something in his ear. The man in question looked over to where you were and it made you die a tiny bit inside. 

Oh god, I really hope I’m not in trouble.

Surprisingly, you hadn’t ever gotten into a bad situation because of your psychic abilities, it always helped most of the time, like when you were able to stop your friend from running around a corner of a building, not knowing a bicyclist was racing down it; Saved her and the cyclist from a bad crash.

 Now, feeling the eyes of multiple, very important people, made you think this was revenge for all the times you did a good deed. Ugh, I thought karma was supposed to reward good deeds! Not punish them!

Everything seemed to return to normal as Harry started Meet Me In The Hallway, then chatting with a couple fans, sang Sweet Creature, a lucky catch of a lavender bra which he quickly threw back out, and then If I Could Fly, everything was fine and dandy.

Till he announced the next song.

“This song is called Anna, and it’s new. 1,2,3,4!”

As the intro played, Harry kept an eye on you. There was no way you could know this one, they had never recorded it in the studio, only practice. If you did, oh god he didn’t even want to think about it.

Don't know where you're laying, just know it's not with me

Don't know what I'd tell you if I passed you on the street

Okay, it seems fine right now, she’s not singing along, just dancing with her friend as she said something to her. He continued.

I don't want your sympathy

But you don't know what you do to me

Oh, Anna

Fuck. There you were, pretending to have an invisible mic in your hand and belting out the lyrics. He watched for a moment as your brown-haired friend grabbed you by the arm and ‘discreetly’ nodded her head up to him. Wait, did you look surprised that you were singing along too?

Every time I see your face

There's only so much I can take

Oh, Anna

“Oh my god I did it again Maggie! He’s gonna call security isn’t he, and then I’ll be taken down to the station and locked away because he’s rich and famous and I’ll never see the light of day again!” You cried.

Don't know how you taste when there's smoke in your perfume

So chew me up and spit me out, nothing left to lose

I don't want your sympathy

But you don't know what you do to me

Oh, Anna

Every time I see your face

There's only so much I can take

Oh, Anna

Mags took hold of your chin and pulled you down to her face, “It’s alright, we’ll figure it out Y/N, plus they might just check online to see if someone had put up a recording beforehand that they didn’t know about and they’ll just think you’re a crazy dedicated fan. I really don’t think Harry Styles is going to lock you up for knowing his songs.”

You let out a large breath and nodded at her. You purposely kept your mouth shut during the next chorus, not wanting his eyes on you for a bad reason again.

I don't want your sympathy

But you don't know what you do to me

Oh, Anna

Every time I see your face

There's only so much I can take

Oh, Anna

Hope you never hear this and know that it's for you

I don't know what I'd tell you if you asked me for the truth

I don't want your sympathy

But you’ll never know what you do to me

Oh, Anna

Every time I see your face

There's only so much I can take

Oh, Anna

Some guy behind you pushed forward, causing you to squish into the barrier. It distracted you enough that when you looked up, Harry Styles and you were having a little duet.

Well I guess it would be nice

If I could touch your body

If I could touch your body

If I could touch your body

If I could touch your body

That’s it, how the FUCK does she know that part? Harry and the band had only decided to add it to the song yesterday for a fun spin-off of a classic. He was starting to freak out inside but oddly enough, it looked like she was too.

I don't want your sympathy

But you’ll never know what you do to me

Oh, Anna

Every time I see your face

There's only so much I can take

Oh, Anna

The song ended and you whipped around to face the crowd rather than him, back still pressed to the barrier. “Maggie I’m so screwed.” She put her hand on your shoulder and whispered to you, “Are there any more surprise songs?” 

You shook your head, “The setlist is altered a bit but that’s it. Wait, why do I know that?!”

You leaned your head back and looked to the ceiling, “Maggie, my psychic-ness isn’t usually this strong? I guess is the word?"—you looked at her—“why is it so easy to just know this stuff because of him?”

The space bunned brunette only shrugged. “Let's just enjoy the rest of the show, ‘kay?” You nodded and turned back around only to be met with an intense stare from the man on stage, but the stare wasn’t mad—more a confused look, which surprised you.

The rest of the show went very well. Maggie nearly burst into tears when she heard his rendition of TWMYB and then Sign Of The Times. His encore was phenomenal and you sang your head off to The Chain and rocked your socks off to Kiwi.

“Thank you eve’yone!” Was the last thing shouted out by the singer as he left the stage, but not without sparing you one last glance. 

“Let’s try and get out of here as fast as possible.” Maggie agreed and hand in hand you weaved your way through the crowd.

Just as you thought you made it home free, a security guard stopped you.

 “Ma’am, if you would please follow me. You’re needed backstage.” 

Your stomach dropped, oh no.

telephone hour for this chapter

ch.2

let me know what you think! 

~ Jess

[zankivich]

The Arrangement: CEO’s Son/Dom!Shawn x Black Sub Reader Chapter 13

Merry Chrismukkah or whatever you celebrate, or just happy Saturday if that’s what floats your boat. Shawn is still dumb. Perhaps dumber. But these are my babies and they deserve the best. Just keep that in mind okay? K bye.

*Shawn’s point of view*

The New Year was a wonderful way for very rich people to throw very elaborate parties to tell people how rich they were. In his early twenties, he’s been roped in by the booze and the women and the occasional party drug or two. Something about twenty-four made him crave the serenity of naps, staying in, and home cooked meals. It could have been the maturity of growing up, sure, but he wasn’t exactly that naive. All he had to do was wake up wrapped around her to know that the only thrill he was going to get was by being with her. Y/n was the least industry, industry person he’d ever met. So, when she told him she had no plans to attend not one even one of the many she’d been invited to, he wasn’t disappointed in the slightest. He was happy to stay in. Or so he thought.

They were going to see a movie at this theatre in Manhattan that always showed the upcoming independent films of the year before they ever made it to the indie film festival. He really liked indie films, so y/n bought them tickets for a matinee showing. While y/n was in the shower getting ready his phone began to buzz and he was left without a choice but to answer it for one specific reason. It was his father. Or the Devil. Semantics.

“Yes, dad?” He sighed.

“Your mother is flying in for our annual New Years Eve party. I need you to get her here on time, and make sure she takes the uppers and not the downers this time.”

“Dad, Mom hasn’t been on pills since 2014. Remember the whole rehab thing?” He huffed. “And I’m absolutely not coming to that thing this year.”

“You absolutely the fuck are. The entire senior management team will be here, and I won’t have you make me look bad because you insist on being a child. You’re coming and you’re bringing your mother.”

His hands turned to fists  and he pulled the phone away from his mouth just long enough to curse his father back to hell for once.

“I already have plans, dad!”

“Cancel them! The party starts at nine, I expect you and your mother here by ten at the latest. Put on a suit for Christ’s sake too, none of that skinny jean bullshit.”

His dad hangs up without another world and he collapsed back onto the bed to question how he had managed to be conceived by one of the worst people ever. Really, what were the chances?

“Baby do you wanna do chinese for dinner after the movies?” y/n called from the bathroom.

And that’s when he began to cry.

“Boy, what in the hell is the matter with you now?”

He uncovered his arm from his face to see her standing at the entryway to the bathroom wrapped in a towel and looking as soft as cocoa butter. He really wanted to cry.

“You know the crime shows where the kids kill the parents and you’re like, holy shit that’s fucked up? Well I’m starting to sympathize with ‘em.”

“Sorry, that’s a little too close to white nonsense for me. Why, what happened?”

She stepped over to where he was on the bed and he sat up to fall a little pathetically into her arms. She smelled like flowers and that whole cocoa butter business he was thinking of earlier. Jesus, life was so unfair.

“My dad is making me pick up my mother and go to this stupid fucking new year’s eve party so he can pretend that they haven’t not lived together since before I graduated high school. No options. I’m going.” He reported glumly.

Her fingers were cool from having dried after the shower and she ran them soothingly through his scalp. He nestled himself more firmly against her and tried not to purr too loudly.

“Hmm, well that sucks. I guess there go our plans huh?”

He peered up at her, chin resting against her chest.

“Absolutely not. We’re gonna go see our movie and then we’ll...just go drink my dad’s booze and maybe find a janitor’s closet to fool around in.” He shrugged.

She snorted. “How romantic. I told you I’m not taking my underwear off in a janitor’s closet ever again, Shawn.”

“Who said you had to? I can get creative, baby.” He grinned.

“Of course you can. I think you’re forgetting the part where your dad doesn’t know we’re together.”

“Oh hell, who cares y/n. I’m not going without you. Why would I spend new year’s without my girlfriend?”

“Because...Manny is Satan and would try to ruin my career?”

“Hey, he wouldn’t. Y/n, I swear he wouldn’t do that to you.”

She smiled down at him sadly and scratched at his scalp again.

“I don’t really think you could make that promise, sweetheart. It’s okay. I’m not mad about it. I understand.”

“But I don’t! I want to spend the day with you, not at some dumb party! I had a whole plan about us making love in my bed with the curtains open while the fireworks went on, dammit. I hate him!”

Her chest began to shake and he realized that she was indeed laughing at him. There’s no love in this world.

“This isn’t funny.” He whined.

“It’s a little funny.”

No. Love.

***

“Hmm you look good enough to eat.” She murmured from behind him.

Her arms came to wrap around his waist and she reached up on the tips of her toes to rest her chin on his shoulder as he adjusted his suit. He could not have been less excited.

“Good enough to eat, not good enough to keep me home, aye?”

She rolled her eyes. “You are about as dramatic as they come you know that? I’m trying to keep the peace. Now you just make sure nobody touches what’s mine and you bring your ass home right after that ball drops.”

He turned in her grasp, pulling her more tightly against him. She was in nothing but his sweatshirt and a pair of underwear that surely would make him drool if he stared long enough. He loved her.

“What was it again that’s yours? I just wanna make sure I have all my bases covered when I inevitably get hit on.” He smirked.

She reached quickly for his jaw and tugged him forward so she could kiss him with dominance and love. Why in the entire hell was he going to this party?

“All of it.” She whispered eyes lifting up and down to drink him in. “You call me if you need a reminder.”

He nodded dumbly, lips parted and ready to drool.

“Yea. Okay.”

Leaving her is nearly impossible, especially knowing that he won’t have an ounce of fun the rest of the night. His mum is half way to sloppy drunk by the time he arrives to pick her up and the party's at stifling capacity by the time they arrive. But as long as his dad is happy that’s apparently all that matters. It’s all that ever matters.

“Look you just stand against this wall and I’ll go get you something with bubbles in it.”

His mum only giggled and leaned harder against the wall.

“Okay!”

He goes to the bar and gets her some cranberry juice mixed with soda water. She was drunk enough that it wouldn’t matter, and he was hopeful that by the end of the night she might sober enough for him to get her back to her hotel without incident. By the time he returns from the bar, he sees his dad wrapping his arm possessively around his mother. He starts talking to some old guy in a hat that isn’t doing enough to cover his balding head, and it’s about as sickening as can be. The worst part is that his mum completely plays into it. Her head rests on his shoulder. Her fingers play with his hair. They play the happy couple so well, it almost has him fooled. Almost.

There used to be a day when he would have tried to defend her honor, a day when he thought he was strong enough to fight his dad. He’d gotten knocked on his ass enough times to know that was simply not the case. And that’s how he ended up hiding in a corner with a double scotch texting his girlfriend while everyone around him looked like complete and total jackasses.

Shawn: I miss you. This is dumb. My dad is literally the worst.

y/n: You are so cute when you complain like a sixteen year old.

Shawn: I am delicate, y/n. You cannot be mean to me in my current state.

y/n: You poor, poor thing. What can I do to make it better?

Shawn: Rescue me?

y/n: We’ll see. Go place nice with the fragile men who never lived up their father’s visions for them.

Shawn: I think I’d rather die.

The party really is dead. It’s all the people who kiss his dad’s ass on a daily basis. Most of them were in their fifties or older. It wasn’t even the artists themselves, just the people who made money off of them. If he didn’t know any better he’d say it was his dad’s way of fundraising for investors. And he definitely knew better.

He’s sitting at the bar counting down the minutes until he gets to go home. It’s maybe thirty minutes until the ball drops, and everyone around him is hammered to pieces. He hasn’t seen his dad since he got there, and his mum was probably being dragged around by that asshole as nothing more than a trophy piece. God he wanted to go home. And then the elevator doors opened.

She’s wearing the dress that he bought her after he accidently ripped the other one. It’s black and sleek with a thigh slit that has his lips parting even now. Her hair is tied sleekly up in a bun and the second she steps into the room the entire atmosphere shifts. She’s gorgeous. Every inch of her. They lock eyes from across the room and he just knows that he’s beaming, couldn’t stop it even if he wanted. She’s here for him and no one else, and that means the world to him. She means the world to him.

He orders her her go-to drink and goes to find his girlfriend only to find that she’s already been stopped. It’s one of the guys from his dad’s team. He’s on the younger side, maybe in his early thirties, probably drives an eco friendly car or something. He’s dumb is the point. Dumb. And ugly. And stupid. And talking to his girlfriend.

“You look beautiful tonight. I didn’t expect to see you here. You and Manny don’t really get along.”

She giggled. Why was she giggling?

“That’s certainly one way to put it. But a good old-fashioned rivalry never hurt anyone, did it? Especially not when I win.” She grinned.

“You know…I find that kind of confidence in a woman to be incredibly sexy.”

Her eyes widened and he leaned in to place a hand on her waist. He made sure to step between them before it got that far.

“Vodka cran right?” He interjected pulling her not so subtly against him.

She rolled her eyes but smiled up at him.

“Yes, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Who are you chatting with?”

“Shawn it’s Mike. We--We work together?”

He placed his hand on her lower back barely sparing him a glance as he led her away.

“Oh yea. Enjoy the party Mike!”

“You are not subtle in the slightest you know that?” She laughed.

“Yea, whatever. Only person who get’s to call my baby sexy is me, dammit.”

“I find your possessiveness to be both sexist and oddly stimulating. I will combat my feminist guide and get back to you.”

He snorted. “While you’re at it can you ask the feminist guide what it has to say about your whole, ‘it’s all mine’, shtick?”

“Hmm...you may have a point.”

He leads her onto the dance floor. Dancing is innocent. It can mean anything, and isn’t inherently tied to being in a relationship, so it acts as a safe space for the two of them. The party was too large for him to place eyes on his dad, so he had to just believe that they could occupy space together and be okay. No kissing. No waist touching. Certainly no ass touching. He really had to just hold onto his drink and soak her in. The good news is that soaking her in is better than not having her there at all. So he holds tight to the idea that he could have her there with him.

“You came here for me.” He murmured in her ear. “Why?”

She shrugs her shoulders and shimmies her hips to the beat of a Khalid song, ironically.

“You asked me to.”

“I know but...what about my dad?”

“Your dad is...always going to exist. No matter how long we’re together. If I let him stop me from enjoying New Year’s with you than I’m giving him power over our relationship. He doesn’t get to have that. Only we have that.”

It’s another one of those moments where if he looked back on his life, he could have identified it as a shift in their dynamic. This was y/n pulling down the final brick in the wall. She had chosen him fully and irrevocably in such a way that she was willing to go all in. His dad no longer matter mattered. Nothing really seemed to matter. Because they loved each other, and as long as they loved each other everything else would work out at some point. He had always been hers, but now he got to be her’s in broad daylight. Well, kind of.

They find a corner to shove themselves into away from the crowd. She crosses her legs and shows off more thigh than anyone has the right too, which reminds him that he hasn’t kissed her in hours. And so he sneaks a kiss on her cheek and hides his face in her neck, because he just wants to go home. He really wants to go home.

“I can’t touch you here.” He mumbled. “This is basically my own version of hell.”

She sighed. “Yea, I know. Usually your horniness is excessive, but this party is drier than Milania Trump’s pussy. Sheesh.”

He laughs because she’s funny and it makes him feel lighter, happier. He still doesn’t know how she does it.

“My dad is somewhere showing my mum off like she’s a thing and not a person. To him everything is a commodity, something for him to own and do with what he pleases.” He mumbled reaching for her hand. “I just want you to know that you could never be that for me. I would never, ever treat you like that.”

She smiled softly at him.

“I know. You’ve never treated me with anything but kindness, Shawn. You’re not your dad.”

He nodded. “See I know that, and yet still it feels good to be reminded sometimes.”

“You just let me know whenever you need reminding then.”

“Mkay. I will.”

“Shawn.”

The two of them looked up as his father ascended with his mother hanging onto him, eyes barely open. Y/n moved as far away from him as physically possible. He had to hide his face to pretend it didn’t hurt. It did hurt.

“What now?” He grumbled.

“Your mother is incompacitated. Take her home. Now.”

He stands up immediately, y/n remaining seated in her chair. She played coy incredibly well, bringing her drink to her lips and settling back deeper into her chair.

“Y/n,” Manny dipped his head. “So glad you could make it to our little suarey. Are you enjoying yourself?”

She smiled. “You know I was. I think I enjoyed myself so much that I’m gonna have to take a very long nap to deal with all the excitement.”

He catches the thinly veiled anger on his father’s face at Y/n taking the piss out of him as he reaches for his mum. She was in worse condition than he left her in, her eyes barely remaining open.

“Jesus, dad what did you do to her?” He hissed.

“She’s a grown ass woman fully capable of making her own decisions. Now get her out of here before she embarasses me further.”

“I do really enjoy the playful family banter. It’s sweet.” Y/n interjected. “And not incredibly cliche at all.”

He looked at her with pleading eyes to not make his father any angrier than he already was. If the look on his face was anything to go off though, his father wasn’t ever going to be happy when y/n was present. Manny sent y/n a scathing look before grumbling off to be with the rest of the crowd. His mum on the other hand was practically snoring on his shoulder. He hated the holidays.

“Looks like I’m gonna miss the ball drop. I gotta get her home.” He sighed.

“It’s okay. We can ring in the new year when you get back, okay?”

“Promise?”

She smiled up at him. “Promise.”

“K. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Neither of them noticed Manny watching them from the bar. Nor had they noticed the way he had watched them the entire night. In fact as Shawn was pulling his mother towards the elevator, Manny was calling for the party planner for the event that night.

“Can you look up a name on the guest list for me?” He asked.

“Of course, sir.”

“y/f/n y/l/n. She on there?”

The party planner flicked through the list twice before shaking her head at Manny.

“No sir, I never sent any invitation to a y/f/n y/l/n.”

Manny looked back over at the couch where y/n and Shawn had been sitting. She was already gone.

“Yea, that’s what I thought.”

***

*y/n’s point of view*

The fact that Shawn becomes a regular at Lenny’s Tavern is only a testament to his love for music. He went every Friday it seemed, to the point where he turned out to be a celebrity of the pub. It was his place of joy. You never saw him smile harder then when he was up there with a guitar in his hands. It was a blend of covers and originals, and when he’s up there getting the entire crowd to scream sing “Hit Me Baby One More Time”, you know that there’s something special there. He knows how to command a room, at first with his presence, but now with his talent. Something that could take years to teach an artist, Shawn was sitting there with it by the boatload. And so every night is a little bittersweet, because you know Manny and you know if he has his way Shawn will never get anything more. But, the smile on his face every time he asks you to go is enough to have you taking the forty minute drive out the city on Fridays.

He jumps down from the stage to ravenous applause. The smile and the light in his eye is exceptional. You watch him get stopped by a few women, an increasing occurrence at Lenny’s Tavern, who asked to take a selfie with him. The smile that he puts on for them is more calculated, more mass sex appeal. Honestly, he was a music exec’s wet dream. And not because he’s good at it, but because he does it with this sort of authentic happiness that no amount of money can buy. He’s just got it.

“Did you like it babe? I tried the falsetto on the ‘suit and tie’ cover just like you said.” He beamed at you.

You wrapped your arms around his waist and kissed his nose.

“You sounded amazing. Just like you always do. My baby’s kind of a star.” You grinned.

“Yea, only because of you. Can you imagine my life if you’d been my manager instead of my dick of a dad?”

“You’d be wildly sucessful for sure...But I don’t fuck my clients so…”

He frowned. “Then let’s just stick with this reality, aye?”

“Sounds good to me. Let’s go get me a drink.”

He trailed you to the bar, his hands playfully on your ass and hips. His unwillingness to quit touching you was much appreciated in just about every instance of your lives together. Why go through life not being touched by your significant other? It just didn’t make sense.

“Hey Shawn!” Ronnie, the owner of the bar, called.

“Hey Ronnie, man, what’d you think of the set?”

“It was amazing! You’re always amazing, you pretty bastard, and you know it.”

You peered up at your boyfriend as you took a sip of your drink. His cheekbones were more sculpted than yours and perfectly flushed. His curls were like the swirl of an ice cream cone off pinterest. The fucker really was pretty. Rude.

“Hey, it’s just an honor to get up there man.”

“Really? Cause see I had one of my buddies from Atlantic come see your set and he asked me to give you his card, but if it’s all about the honor then…”

“What?!” Shawn and you screeched in unison.

Ronnie stared at the two of you with a big grin on his face.

“Yea! Same way I got our little Niall to where he’s at. When the sets are good, they come to check out the talent man. And you’re better than good. Here.”

Shawn took the card and stared down at it. You could see the fear, but also the light in his eyes. It was about as tragic as can be.

“No man, I--I can’t take this.” He mumbled handing the card back to Ronnie.

Ronnie refused it.

“Keep it. You deserve it man!” He exclaimed before walking away.

Shawn turned to you with wide eyes and a terrified look on his face that had you reaching to wrap his giant frame up in your arms.

“It’s okay. Hey, don’t stress yourself out. Just don’t call the number.”

“But my dad does so much work with Atlantic. Like five of his artists are co-signed through them. What if he finds out somehow?”

You shook your head. “He won’t cause you’re not going to call...unless that’s what you want.”

“Huh?”

You ran your hands up his arms and over his shoulders trying to quell some of the tension.

“Look I’m just saying that, yea you signed with your dad when you were fifteen but that contract expired the moment you became an adult. That’s probably why he asked you to work for the company the moment you turned eighteen, so that he could retain this hold he has over you.”

He frowned at you. “But...but my music.”

“I know baby. You made a lot of music that means a lot to you, and I want nothing more than for you to have ownice of it. All I’m saying is that if you can’t get the music back, that doesn’t mean you can never create again. It doesn’t even mean you can’t make music for a living. Any label would kill to sign you. I know because I’d be right there fighting with ‘em.”

He released this big breath, face twitching with anxiety. You could tell it was getting to him, that the moment was becoming too much. You didn’t really know how to ease him into it anymore than you already had.

“I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. I wanna go home.”  He mumbled, face red.

“Okay, I can be okay with that. Let’s go home.”

“Can we go to your place?” He asked head dipping down closer to yours.

You smiled. “Of course.”

***

*Shawn’s point of view*

Everything makes sense when they’re making love. It’s something about the way she tastes, or maybe is the vibrations of her moans against his mouth when he kisses her throat. His head is never more clear than when she’s in his arms. He loves her. God does he love her. He wants her to have everything, all of him, infinitely. So that’s what she gets.

“Fuck! Oh my god!” She sobbed.

“You gonna cum for me?” He asks reaching to stroke her clit with his thumb.

She nodded recklessly her stomach tensing, thighs trembling.

“Please. Shawn, I need it so bad.”

He flips her onto her back, hand wrapping around the top of her head for leverage as he lays into her. Her body shakes for him and she claws at his back so hard there will be welts later. But it’s her pleasure. It’s the only thing in the world that matters to him when they’re in this space together. So he keeps moving, keeps moaning, keeps holding on for every second that he can if it means she’ll stare at him like he just blew her mind. He always wants to blow her mind. And she bursts for him like an overripe fruit in the summer heat, and he makes sure that he’s right there to slurp it up for her.

“I love you.” He groaned into her ear. “I love you so much.”

The doorbell ringing is literally the last thing in the world that he wants to hear. She’s still panting against his neck and he’s just supposed to get out of bed?

“Let it ring.” She mumbled lips tracing his nipple.

“Oh. My. God, woman.”

She giggled and the result was something so cute and soft on her face that he could feel his exhausted body peak in interest. The line between whether to dominate and whether to cuddle  deeply into the sheets got more blurred by the second with her.

The doorbell rings again.

“Jesus Christ.” He muttered.

“Fuck...look just go answer it. I have to get ready for work soon anyway.”

He immediately began to pout.

“But baby...I didn’t finish my moves.” He whined.

She snorted. “You finished just fine for me, dear. Go get the door.”

He does what she asks. But not without whining the entire time dammit. She puts on his Jimi Hendrix t-shirt and walks off to his kitchen without underwear or a bra. Whoever was at the door probably deserved to die. He didn’t make the rules.

“This better be good!”

He yanked open the door to see his dad standing there with two starbucks cups in his hands and the grin of Satan.

“Dad.” He mumbled. “What--what the hell are you doing here?”

“It’s time to talk to son.” He smiled making his way past him to get into his apartment.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

“Look now really isn’t the time!”

“On the contrary, I don’t think there could be a better time. Ah! Good morning y/n!”

Sure enough there she stood in the middle of the room where the living room met the kitchen with a pan in her hand and the fear of god in her eyes.

“Y/n my...dad is here.” He stated glumly.

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, I’d managed to catch on, Shawn.”

“As much as I do enjoy watching the two of you prance around with no pants on, I think it’s time to get dressed. Shawn and I have some things to discuss. Take your time. I’ll wait.”

The room is dead silent. Y/n is looking at him like she’s contemplating hitting his dad over the head with the pan. Honestly, it’s not the worst visual he could come up with. Instead they walk side by side back to his bedroom. His hands are shaking and he tugs anxiously at his hair as he watches her get dressed. It’s impossible for him to wrap his head around this moment. Ten minutes ago they were making love, and now his dad knows about them. Just like that.

She tugs her shoes on and reaches for her keys and his heart spasms painfully in his chest. He’s got no choice but to reach for her.

“Hey,” He whispered hands still shaking as he gripped her waist. “I--I don’t know what’s going on right now. I’m freaking out y/n.”

She nodded. “Me too. It’s gonna be okay though. Just come to my place when it’s over. Whatever it is, we can work through it, y’know? That’s what we do.”

“I love you. More than anything. You know that right?”

She smiled at him sadly and ran her fingers through his hair to scratch at his scalp. It was the most calming gesture he could think of.

“I know. And I love you too. It’ll be okay. I wish I could be here with you in this, I do. But we’ll figure it out. I promise.”

He nodded solemnly letting his shoulders drop as she released him.

“Yea, okay.”

The last image he gets of her is when she walks through his front door without looking back. Her head was high, shoulders back, a lot like the first night he met her. Only now he knew better. Now he knew it was a part of her no doubt, but a constructed one too. With the presence of his dad, she suddenly needed to be a version of herself that no one could touch. Not even him. And so the last good image he gets of her is a version of her that’s not his, not hers. It exists outside of everything that they’ve become together in the months of their love. It’s a protective shell put up to hide. That’s the last image he gets.

***

*y/n’s point of view*

He doesn’t come over. And he doesn’t call. At first you thought maybe something happened. Maybe Manny shipped him off to Novasokia or some shit. But a woman left to sit in her apartment for hours can only come up with so much. By the time it was dark out, you got the feeling that he wasn’t coming over. All your text messages and calls had gone unanswered. You worried sick, and sad as all hell. You skipped work to wait around for him, and then couldn’t bring yourself to do anything but lie there all day. So when he doesn’t show up it’s a day wasted. And when you wake up the next morning to nothing? Not a facetime, an emoji, not even a fuck off? Your heart just sort of breaks.

“Hi, uh. I don’t really know what’s going on. And I don’t know what he could have said to you to make you not come over but...I’m scared, Shawn. I--I miss you. And I just want to know that you’re okay. Please call me. Bye.”

You showed up to work an absolute nervous wreck. It had taken you all morning to convince yourself not to go over to Shawns’ apartment. If he really didn't want to see you, then you probably owed that to him. The rational part of you was trying to come up with a solution. So, you convinced yourself that Shawn must’ve gotten into a really terrible fight with his dad and he had gone off somewhere to play music and blow off steam. It wasn’t the craziest scenario. In the time that you’d known him, Shawn had definitely fled the world to hide in a room somewhere with his guitar. This was just the first time, he’d shut you out too.

You walked onto the floor of your office and Tiana was waiting there with a hot tea for you and a very sad, anxious look on her face. It just so happened that you didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with anyone else at the moment.

“Hey Ti,” You mumbled. “I just need the day okay? I’m gonna go work on some stuff, but I really don’t want to be bothered.”

“I know sis but… you’ve got a visitor.”

Your eyes widened and quickly moved to get to your office.

“Is it Shawn? Did he say anything to you?”

“Y/n it’s not Shawn!” She called after you. “It’s Manny.”

You froze where you stood peering at your office door with confusion.

“What?”

“He was already here when I got here. He said that he had something to tell you, and that you’d be interested in hearing from him.” She explained. “But, I can kick him out if you want. I--I didn’t know!”

You swallowed and turned back to your friend.

“No uh, it’s okay. I’ll just...I’ll go in there.”

There’s a moment where you stood outside your office and took a huge breath. The truth of the matter was Manny had scared you for years. In the midst of your come up in the industry there were plenty of men who didn’t like you. Didn’t like your ideas, didn’t like your success, didn’t like your unwillingness to bow down to them. That you’d grown used to. But Manny seemed to feel all of those things at a level that no one else did. And while plenty of men would be happy to see your down fall not too many of them would actively participate in making it happen. You had known from the day you met him that Manny was the guy who would.

Falling for Shawn hadn’t gotten rid of the fear, but what it had done was shift your priorities. Whatever was on the other side of that door needed to happen, because you needed Shawn in your life. You loved him too much to be without him, and he loved you too much too. You knew that. You had to believe those two facts or none of it mattered. So you schooled your face into the mask that you’d created long before that day, and you walked into your office to meet it head on. Because there were no other options.

“Manny, I wasn’t sure if you knew where our office was located.” You smiled upon entering the room. “I always figured it was too urban of a space for you, not enough upper east side, ya know.”

He sat on the edge of your desk a lot like Shawn had the first time he’d been there. If there was anything to be said about the resemblance of the too, it was that Shawn did look a lot like his father.

“Well you’re right about that, y/n. I don’t exactly slum it unless I have too. I figured today was a good enough occasion.”

And subtle racist remarks all before ten am. This ought to be a treat.

“What do you want, Manny?”

You sat down at your desk and of course he immediately stood up so that he could tower over you. Men. So incredibly predictable.

“It’s over y/n.”

You rolled your eyes at the dramatics.

“And do tell, what exactly is over Manny?”

“Whatever hold you had on my son. It’s done with.”

“Ahhh. That’s what this is about. You’re upset that he started thinking for himself, and that his hands were no longer glued to your ass. I’m sorry but that has nothing to do with me. He’s a grown man; he thinks for himself.”

Manny stuffed his hands in his pockets and began to walk around the room. In retrospect Shawn was just about as dramatic as his father, just less evil.

“I should’ve known when it first started that you’d dig your claws into him. His rush to get me to introduce you two. The sudden trips to Rome on my jet, of course. The push back at work. His disappearing all the time.” He sighed. “I just thought angry pussy was better pussy or something.”

Your anger gets the best of you and a break appears in the mask.

“Excuse me?”

“Well you two really just weren’t subtle at all now were you? Which was fine at first. I’m sure you’re perfectly fine in the sack y/n, but it’s not like he’d ever marry you into the family. But then you started putting your nose where it didn’t fucking belong. That stint at the pub where we found Niall. Did you really think I wasn’t going to hear about that?”

You were absolutely rattled inside, varying on disgust and rage alongside a kind of fear you hadn’t experienced in years. But you couldn’t let it show. You’d rather die than let it show.

“He’s talented. He’s the best I’ve seen in years and I’ve got three of this years top artists under my belt. To block that? To keep him hidden because of your own inadequacies? That’s pathetic and you know it.”

Manny chuckled. “Your generation is so incredibly naive. That’s business, honey. Shawn can do more for me outside of the spotlight than he can inside it. It’s as simple as that.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake. You old wrinkly white men and your archaic understanding of the world. That’s not business, that’s greed. That relentless, self-indulging, disgusting greed you sad, sad little man.”

The smile on Manny’s face dropped as well as the temperature in the room. You were without a doubt one of the only people in his life to challenge him. He didn’t like it at all.

“And what about what he wants? Doesn’t that matter at all?” You asked. “Doesn’t anything but your own self-interest matter to you at all?”

“Not even in the slightest. But it’s okay now. I’ve shifted my narrative in part because of you. So I thank you for that.”

“Jesus Christ you know you sound like a villain straight out of a Spy Kids movie, like at all times? Will you just get to the fucking point?”

“I’m gonna give Shawn his masters back.”

You paused. “What?”

“Yep. All two hundred songs. There his. He can do with them what he pleases. He’ll resign a contract with me of course, and I’ll give him the career he always wanted. He’ll realize that he’s nothing without me. And everyone lives happily ever after.”

“I’m just supposed to believe that a plan you cooked up when he was fifteen years old is over now? Just like that? What’s the catch here?”

Manny snapped his fingers and moved closer to you.

“Oh that’s right. My apologies. The catch is that he has to break up with you.”

At this your stomach and your heart and everything in between just dropped.

“What?”

“You heard me. Shawn can have everything that he’s ever wanted, every song he’s ever written, just as long as you’re not in the picture.” He smiled. “I know my son, y/n. And he will pick correctly and you will be but an unpleasant memory.”

It just ripped you to shreds. It was the culmination of everything that you knew about Shawn, and everything that you loved about him, being exactly the thing to take him from you. And it hurt. You were left utterly defenseless as if he’d ripped your carefully crafted mask right from your face. Your eyes watered, your throated tightened. This was it. This was the end. Manny had banked on your willingness to know Shawn, which meant he knew that you loved him. And perhaps that’s the part that hurts the most. That someone could take the goodness of your heart and use it against you in such a malicious way.

“Why...why would you do this?” You asked.

And he shrugged at you.

“I like to win y/n. And I always win. This time will be no different. And I’ll make sure of it.”

He left the room just as the tears spilled over your cheeks. Because in order for Manny to win, someone would have to lose. He had made sure that only one person would come out of this scathed. You lost.

***

Seeing him on the other side of your door makes the gaping hole where your heart used to be throb. His curls are wilder than ever. There are bags beneath his eyes that are unlike anything you’d ever seen. He looked exhausted and sad and really beautiful even then. When he sees you he pulls up a smile that is so pathetic it hurts. But, it’s honest. It’s him giving all of himself to you, even when there’s damn near nothing left. To look at him now was to be in pain. And so you had to remind yourself that preservation was a Black woman’s armor. It was all you had left.

He smiled sadly as you leaned against your door not inviting him inside.

“Hi.” He whispered waving in his favorite clappy hand like motion that usually made you smile.

Not today.

“Hi.”

“I can explain. And I am so, so sorry that I disappeared but--”

“There’s no need.” You interrupted.

He shook his head. “No, y/n, I swear to you that I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just needed time. I needed to clear my head and my fucking dad he--”

“I know. Shawn I know.” You mumbled. “He came to my office.”

Shawn’s eyes widened.

“He did what? What did he say to you?”

He reached for you and you stepped further behind the door causing Shawn to pause and stare at you. His face began to shift just as the puzzle pieces slid into place. As your lip trembled he raised his hands up in the air in a motion of defenselessness, as if he was waiting for you to spook and disappear at any moment. If only he knew.

“Y/n what’s going on?” He whispered, eyes wide open and scared. “Why won’t you let me touch you? W--Why can’t we go inside?”

You closed your eyes and breathed but it was pointless. The tears came in abundance now. His hand touched your cheek and you wished that it didn’t soothe you. Wouldn’t this all be easier if he didn’t soothe you so well.

“It’s over, Shawn.”

“What?” He mumbled, completely frozen into place. “What?”

You swallowed.

“It has to end. You and me, we’re done.”

“What are you talking about right now? Are you kidding me?” He sputtered. “I--love you. I love you with everything that I am, how could you say that to me?”  

You shake your head to try and dispel some of the sadness with the hopes that you could even get through this whole. The problem was you already felt yourself splintering, and the more room you gave him to fight, the more damaged the both of you would be.

“I’m sorry, but that doesn’t matter right now.”

You can tell by the look on his face that you’re crushing him. This fact only ruins you further, only make the pain sizzle deep in your gut. You’ve got nothing left to give. You’ve gotta give it all to him so that he can go on and be okay.  It’s for the best. It has to be.

“It does matter?! I love you! And you love me. And it doesn’t matter? Why are you doing this?!”

“Because  it...it’s the only way to give you everything you’ve always wanted. And I love you enough to give you that. Goodbye Shawn.”

“Y/n, wait can’t we please just--”

You close the door in his face. Everything is blurry around the edges. You sink down to the floor and cover your ears as if it might cover the sounds of him pounding on your door. The two of you cry and sob for the other. You knows there’s no fixing this. It’s done.

***

Tag List

@simpledomain @liliane106 @thecurlsofgod @xeuphorically-moonstruck @euphoric05 @daijanicole @bruhh-whateven@learning-howto-be-myselfx3@decewill@goldiean@bitchacho25 @bruhh-whateven@justbeingoceana@loveylangdon@iloveshawnieboi@september-lace@valedictorian65 @dimestorebieber22 @MixerMani @lifeoftheparty74@sinplisticshawn @kamahriii@disaster-rose@justbeingoceana@thecurlsofgod 

Arrangement Taglist:

@moonlightmendes22  @cottoncandyshawn @iloveshawnieboi@shawnsblue

@claredolphinbear24@peterbrokenparker@blackharry@shawnwyr @speakingofmari@moniehp@softmendesss@ydolansss @MixerMani @kitykatnumber@chonmnds@cottoncandyshawn @shawnase

[thetriggeredhappy]

Hi! Just wanted to say I adore your writing :) I can’t get enough of it! Ever considered sniperscout where Scout drags Sniper to a game at Fenway Park?

well NOW I'm considering it!!! well NOW that's on my brain!!!!

(warnings for probable baseball inaccuracies and talk about sniper gettin real freaked out about crowds. also supreme gayness)

“—and that guy there is Tony Conigliaro, he’s been on the team for a while now and he really doesn’t play games out there, and that over there with the big nerd glasses is John Curtis, new guy, it’s his first year and he hasn’t been on the plate hardly at all yet, thank god, and he’ll probably stay in the box the rest of the game considering who we’re up against—“

Scout had barely stopped talking since they got within a line of sight of the historic Fenway Park, and while usually his chattering was somewhat calming for Sniper, a good distraction and a source of laughter, it was suddenly significantly less effective. Sitting in a baseball stadium with several hundred rows of seats behind him filled with complete strangers in late June heat was, as Sniper had decided, extremely stressful.

“And the, er, the other team,” he tried to say, throat dry. “That’s the New Jersey blokes, right?”

“New York. The fuckin’ Yankees. That’s one reason the stadium is so packed, we hate those guys, it’s a whole thing,” Scout explained, eyes fully lit up. He was fully in his element, gesturing with both hands and talking a mile a minute, and if Sniper didn’t know otherwise he would ask if he’d somehow found a store in Boston that sold his terrible energy drinks and bought the place out. On one hand, Sniper liked seeing Scout so happy about something, but on the other hand, it was pretty clear that Scout wasn’t actually paying great attention to everything around him, he was so wrapped up in his excitement.

Sniper focused on taking a deep breath and thanked his foresight not to eat breakfast that morning—surely he’d have thrown it back up by now.

One opinion that Sniper very decidedly kept to himself, at least partially because he cared about Scout very much and preferred that they continue dating, was that entertainment sports were objectively the worst thing on the planet. They were wildly hyped up by the audiences, with practically cult followings, hosted in sardine can arenas with many people yelling and food and drinks being spilled and jostling and the rows of seats that you had to squeeze by other people to escape from and the smell of sweat and conflicting foods and unclean bathrooms and blaring intercoms that he could hardly understand the words through and players potentially getting severe injuries just for the amusement of dozens of people watching them and—

He didn’t like them, was the long and short of it. The experience, the concept, any of it. He was okay with Scout going on about the latest game he saw on TV or heard on the radio, with hearing him recite statistics by heart, with the other man’s general enthusiasm, at least somewhat because he knew Scout probably had a big dream at some point about being a baseball player. But something about all the theatrics and noise just gave Sniper a headache.

Maybe it was having grown up in Australia, where every day was just kids challenging each other to constant shows of strength, starting fistfights over cricket matches, wrestling being both a competitive sport and as common of a delay as unexpected traffic was. He had no idea. Whatever it was, he very much didn’t want to be in that stadium.

Except... well, he’d wanted to do something special for Scout’s birthday, and he’d been a little homesick recently, and he’d been really excited about the upcoming game and all, and Sniper knew how much it would mean to him to go see it in person. He knew it would make Scout happier than anything else in the world to give him a chance to see his favorite place in his hometown. When Sniper showed him the plane tickets, he’d looked about ready to get down on one knee then and there.

And Sniper thought he could handle it, he really did. But now here he was, chest tight, hands shaking, stomach performing an acrobatic routine, very much on the verge of ruining this whole gift just because he couldn’t keep his nerves in check for just a couple of hours.

He really needed a cigarette, but he’d told Scout a few weeks ago that he was trying to quit again. He really, really needed a drink, but he wasn’t sure if that was even allowed in a public baseball park, and didn’t know if he could keep it in his stomach even if it was. He really, really, really needed Scout to do the thing where he held both of Sniper’s hands and quietly talked him down from where his brain was trying to push him over the edge. But he could stay calm. He could hold it together at least into the second inning, surely, then find somewhere quiet to get some air, then be all set for another two innings, rinse and repeat. How many were there, six? He was fairly sure it was six. He just needed to stay calm.

The crowd around him screamed as some man hit the ball with the bat and sent it very, very far. He tried his best not to visibly wince. Not that it particularly mattered—Scout didn’t notice his plight, too busy also jumping to his feet and cheering.

He could do this. He could do this. He wasn’t going to have a meltdown in a baseball stadium. He wasn’t going to have a freakout at 2pm on a weekend. He was better than that. He could do this.

“Hey, hey,” Scout said suddenly, tugging on the sleeve of his shirt insistently. “You’ve never been to a baseball game before, we should get some food! We got this special hot dog here, the Fenway Frank, it’s been around, like, longer than Medic probably. They got a whole special recipe about it, most stadiums got hot dogs and stuff but Fenway’s dogs are the actual best ones on the planet, seriously. They’re probably about to switch, Yastrzemski is up next but the guy after him’s a total schmuck and we’re already on two outs, so maybe that’s when we can go see if we can snag—“

Sniper just nodded, momentarily losing track of Scout’s voice as a group of men nearby started howling with laughter, making him have to focus hard on not tensing up.

“—and would you look at that, Seibert fucks it up, who’s surprised? Okay, let’s go!” And his hand was being taken, and he was being pulled along out of the row and up the isle in the same direction as plenty of other spectators.

He was barely present at all as they waited in line at the concession stand, focusing on using his time in a relatively quieter area wisely, trying to be stealthy as he took deep breaths, clenched and unclenched his fists in the pockets of his vest (the vest, hat, and sunglasses being the parts of his uniform that he rarely took off, even when otherwise in civilian clothes). Scout meanwhile continued on his little lecture, going on about some history and facts about the park itself, then funny stories about times he went to Fenway with his brothers, then offhandedly mentioning some player who he’d idolized growing up and didn’t quite know why for the longest time but now that he was thinking about it maybe he just thought the guy was hot—and hey, they’re at the front of the line, could he get like three, actually four franks and—

Somehow, Sniper found himself standing out of the way of foot traffic holding four hot dogs and a bag of popcorn as Scout shuffled around the wild assortment of food that he’d purchased just so he wouldn’t drop anything on the way back to their seats.

Sniper took a quick stock of himself and realized all at once that he would definitely not be making it back to their seats.

Scout’s mouth was moving, and Sniper was hearing the words somewhere behind the sound of laughing and yelling and cheering and the announcer and the sound of sneakers on concrete, but the words seemed to just pour right back out of Sniper’s brain like water through a sieve. He looked down at his hands and saw the way they were trembling, almost on the verge of violently, muscles clenched tightly enough to almost hurt as he was wracked with tremors all the way up his arms—

“—iper, really, I’m getting freaked out too now, you listening?” Scout asked, and Sniper lifted his eyes again. His entire expression was contorted with worry, with fear, all the earlier excitement and joy and light extinguished and replaced with alarm. Scout moved to shove packs of candy into his own pockets and his bag almost frantically, freeing up his hands, and he quickly relieved Sniper of what he was holding as well, freeing up a hand so that Scout could take it in his own, still fumbling a little bit. “What’s up, what happened? What’s wrong?”

Guilt, like a shovel to the back of the head, immediately dizzying in intensity. The first words to pop into his head were an apology, but they and everything else were driven out as there was another holler from the crowd up above. Belatedly, he realized that maybe he wasn’t dizzy from the guilt, maybe he was dizzy because his breathing was shuttering too-fast through his chest. His mouth moved, and he said something, and he was pretty sure it was supposed to be comforting, but Scout was just frowning further, moving to start pulling Sniper along by the hand, quickly through the crowd.

One good thing about the East Coast, Sniper was finding out, was that nobody cared about what anyone else was doing the majority of the time, and a grown man leading another grown man along by the hand like a toddler didn’t draw any strange looks, or any looks at all.

He blinked back to reality as he realized that things were much quieter all of a sudden, and he glanced around, noting that there seemed to be significantly fewer people. They were by the wall regardless, and the hot dogs that Scout had been so excited about were no longer in either of their hands. He knew that because instead Scout had laced their fingers together, was squeezing his hands in a way that was immediately comforting.

“Hey, is this any better?” he asked, his volume kept low. Sniper nodded. “Okay. What happened back there? You really freaked out on me for a minute. Looked pale as a sheet, started hypervascilating.”

Sniper took a breath or two to steady himself a bit, swallowed hard. “Hyperventilating,” he corrected, voice weak despite his best efforts.”

“Whatever, that thing where your breathing is all wrong,” Scout brushed off. “Whatever the hell it’s called. Seriously, what set you off?”

A few more breaths to steady himself, to search for words in his scattered brain. When that didnt work, he tried talking anyways. “Noises, crowds, the jostling, the, the people standing behind me practically breathing down my neck, it’s all, just, it’s just a, it’s a lot,” he managed, just barely tamping down on a stutter.

Scout squeezed his hands again. “Sheesh, even stadiums? Usually these places are way better for my paranoia stuff,” he said.

“Not just the work thing,” Sniper corrected, words tumbling out in a way that was far too clumsy and a bit too fast and practically unintelligible. “Just my regular, nervous, sort of, just my usual nerves but they’re, worse with crowds. Bigger crowds are worse.”

Scout glanced around their vicinity very briefly. The crowd only seemed to be thinning more and more. “Babe,” he finally said, voice very quiet, “I thought you said it wasn’t a big deal, that you didn’t think it’d be bad for you to show up at a big game.”

Guilt again, because he probably did say that at some point. “I just thought I could try anyways, it’s your birthday and, and all of that, and I wanted to do something good for you, and, and I didn’t want to ruin it just because I’m a bloody wreck is all—“

Scout’s eyes widened in surprise, and he was releasing Sniper’s hands, working out of his hold to instead cup his face in his hands. “Babe, I’m not worried about the birthday thing, I’m worried about you, are you serious?!” he exclaimed, still quietly. “I’m just upset that we’re even out here if it’s gonna freak you out this bad!”

“Thought I’d just try,” Sniper protested, practically under his breath, “I thought since, I thought, you’re always absolutely aces, you’re good to me, thought I’d try and—“

Scout was shaking his head. “There’s a difference between, like, when you listen to Sex Bomn with me for the twentieth time even though you don’t even like that album, versus flinging yourself facefirst into a full-blown freakout just because you wanted me to get to see a game in person for a weekend trip!”

“You’re always,” Sniper tried, and his voice wobbled and gave out, so he tried again. “You’re always telling me about home for you, and I just thought you’d like really being able to show me in person instead of just pictures and pointing at the screen on the telly when a game is on.”

Scout just looked at him for a few moments. “Snipes, you know they give tours of this place, right?” he asked, incredulous. “Like, actual tours? When it’s basically empty and not half as loud?”

Sniper looked right back at him.

“And you could’ve just got tickets for like, the game a few days ago? Which was against fuckin’ Baltimore, which is Baltimore, which nobody gives a shit about because it’s Baltimore, so it wouldn’t’ve been even like a quarter of the way as packed?”

“The hell is Baltimore?” Sniper asked, beginning to see that perhaps he was somewhat slightly an idiot.

“Exactly.” Scout squished his cheeks under his hands, released, squished and released. “And it ain’t even about seeing a game, or like, headed to a Fenway Park with you. I was just...” He muddled for words. “I was just excited because you wanted to... I mean, y’know. Go to Boston with me, see all this stuff from before you knew me. Even if one of us woke up this morning with, like, a total stomach bug or a wicked hangover or something, and we couldn’t go to the game, I would’ve been okay with it. Maybe disappointed about not getting a real actual gen-u-ine Fenway Frank from the place itself, but it’s... as long as I got to spend the day with you, maybe got to show you a little bit of what all I grew up with, that’s already a way happier birthday than I ever thought I’d get past the age of like, twenty-four. I figured it was all downhill from here, and then...”

He trailed off, eyes trailing over Sniper’s face slowly, like memorization, like recall. Sniper realized that his hands had stopped shaking at some point, and reached up to thread their fingers together again. “And then?” he prompted, voice quiet.

“It’s my birthday, you don’t get to make fun of me for being a sappy son of a bitch,” Scout warned, and there was that light back in his eyes again, his little dimple making an appearance at the corner of his mouth.

“Fair enough,” Sniper shrugged.

Scout squeezed his hands. “I thought it was all downhill from here, with all the, y’know. Having to get a job killin’ people thing,” he shrugged, maybe more casually than he should’ve been able to. “Figured it was just gonna be me getting older, that I’d already sorta hit my peak at some point in high school before everything went to shit. Figured it was just gonna be worse and worse. And then I looked around one day and... I figured out that I had you around. And the rest of the guys, the team, love ‘em to death—don’t tell ‘em I said that—but especially you. And, I dunno.” He smiled at Sniper. “Upswing, y’know?”

Sniper, had he not a crippling fear of embarrassing himself in public and the ability to do so without probably maiming them both, would’ve dipped Scout down into a kiss right then and there. As it was, he settled on pulling Scout into a hug and fighting back the sting in his eyes. “Don’t do that,” he warned, voice somewhat steady. “You know I get all emotional when I go mental like that. I will start sobbing all over you.”

“Do it. Cry,” Scout challenged firmly. “I’ll break you, so goddamn help me. C’mon, do it right now!”

“Nope,” Sniper said, squeezing hard and smiling at the wheeze he managed to elicit from Scout as he squished the air out of him. “Won’t do it. Can’t make me.”

“Don’t even test me,” Scout managed once he was released from the embrace, rolling his shoulders and getting the air back in his lungs. “I’ll fuckin’... compare thee to a summer’s day or some shit. I’ll get all poetic. Swear to god.”

“Uh huh. And how much Shakespearicles do you have memorized?” Sniper asked.

“All of it,” Scout bluffed without missing a beat.

Sniper rolled his eyes, even as he smiled. “Where are our seats, by the way?” he asked.

“Other side of the stadium, basically. I walked us over to the Yankee side, it’s usually emptier,” he replied, and leaned over to the ledge on the wall right nearby them. Sniper blinked, surprised at himself for not having noticed their hot dogs and drinks and whatnot lined up precariously. “Guess you were right about me not wearing like, literally all of my Sox merch.”

Sniper nodded, paused for a moment. “I was really out of it, wasn’t I?” he asked, guilt resurfacing.

“Hey, don’t do that,” Scout chided, elbowing him and handing over his food. “You’re still at a net positive for good boyfriend deeds for the day. You flew me across the country on a weekend trip to see a rivalry game in my hometown with a week’s notice even though you knew it’d freak the hell out of you. You’re still the best boyfriend ever. Of all time.”

“That’s you, actually,” Sniper replied.

“Shut up and take my compliments. Birthday boy’s orders,” Scout said, hefting his bag to sit more comfortably on his shoulder. “Birthday order number two, let’s get the hell outta here. We’re way down anyways, and I don’t see the Yankees letting us have a comeback. If we go now, I can probably catch the last inning on the radio back at the hotel.”

“Any other birthday orders?” Sniper asked, bumping shoulders and elbows with Scout, walking as close to him as he could get away with as they began making their way out.

“Yeah. Eat that hot dog, it’s fuckin’ delicious. These three are mine.”

Sniper shrugged and obliged.

(Scout was absolutely right. It was delicious.)

[oh-boleyn]

katherine / infamy

words: 4880, one shot, language: english

anne / jane / katherine / catherine

TW: there are suicidal thoughts, slutshaming, victim guilt, minor ways of self harm, nightmares and some other things.

this turned to be a character study rather to any other thing but oh well, it's done

the commentary between scenes are things I got from internet about Katherine Howard.

Katherine Howard was just an attention seeker.

(…)

When they first arrived at the twenty-one century, Katherine Howard felt alone. It was a whole new world; one she didn’t have a clue of what was it about. Didn’t even have the advantage of knowing other women, except for Anna of Cleves, the only one she met during her short time as queen when they shared a dance, but nothing more.

The rest of them were just rumours while she was in court. Names nobody dared to say. Histories without faces, blurry memories. All of them carried themselves as queens. All of them except her, who was just a frightened nobody in the middle of five of the most powerful and celebre queens.

(…)

Katherine Howard was a silly flirt who actually did sleep around even after she’d married the king.

(…)

They had all been thrown into a small house. With thin walls, two bedrooms, loud queens and just one bathroom. She shared room with Anna of Cleves, this royal Germany queen who was the second divorcee, and Anne Boleyn.

A cousin she never really had the chance to meet, since Henry decapitated her when Katherine was still young. Anne Boleyn, her famous, notorious cousin, a mystery to this new world. Anne was perfect, smart, pretty, even her reincarnated version had the long dark brown hair and big curious eyes. She knew about politics, debate, could talk fluently in English and French.

In the new world, Anne Boleyn was an icon. A notorious woman who got beheaded because of her opinions and incapacity of keeping quiet was something admirable today, and everyone loved her, as the French court once did.

The opinion about Katherine was not the same. Not then, and not now. She was a traitor before, and now she was a naïve who couldn’t even save her own life. A foolish, provocative girl who warmed her way into the king’s bed, and other beds too. She didn’t have a legacy, didn’t left anything to be remembered.

(…)

Katherine Howard: Whore or Victim?

(…)

Money and finances were not something she was interested. She wasn’t good with numbers, Francis always said that. About how she was so lucky to be so pretty, or else nobody would want her as a secretary. With the years she had been discouraged to keep trying, so she just stopped.

Not every woman had been made to be good with it. Katherine considered herself more of a pretty face, rather than someone with a great intellect. It felt shallow, now more than ever. Her life was just like that, being a pretty face, smile, conceal emotions. She was raised by her step-grandmother to please. Emotion were not needed when trying to grant pleasure to someone else.

The other queens weren’t like her. And maybe that’s why they were so worried about making money or getting jobs.

The great salvation came by Catherine’s hand. Catherine Parr, not Aragon. Rewrite their histories, if everyone could make money out of it, why not them? It could be a way to reclaim what happened to them, set the record straight, be view as the real queens they were, not just six who banged the same guy.

(…)

Katherine Howard – The Material Girl?

(…)

“Catherine, almost moved into a nunnery, and then not.” Her voice sounded snob, trying to mock the other queen. “That could almost be really hard for you.” She concluded with a fake pout.

Her heart was beating faster every second. She was never good at arts.

Even when trying to please Manox, her first music teacher, he always wanted more. She could always be better, greater. It was never enough, no matter how high her voice went while singing, or how many times she practiced dancing, or how much her hand aches after playing one instrument for hours, she was not enough.

Not enough like the air in her lungs while performing. The rest of the group were natural, delivering their lines perfect, playing with the silences making it enjoyable and funny. But she wasn’t like that, she talked way too fast, pronounced words unintelligible and forgot that she had talk.

The musical, a fake competition, didn’t help her. It didn’t bring her release, or peace. Katherine felt always numb, there was no connection between what she was doing and her own story. Her past life just felt like a numb blurry dream.

(…)

Katherine Howard, a slut 17-year-old queen who was beheaded for being a slut!

(…)

It came to Katherine attention how much Catherine (of Aragon) hugged Catherine (Parr). They were usually together, helping or making each other’s hair and make-up. She knew Cathy was Catherine’s goddaughter, but the physical affection takes her by surprise anyway.

The idea of touch being something soft, delicate was so out of her range. Her father was bed-ridden and her mother died while she was young. After that everyone was rough. For the Duchess, touch was only a way of punishment. Katherine sometimes saw the ghost of bruises she would have when she didn’t behave like a lady, when her feelings were shown.

Touching was never something appreciated after that.

(…)

Manipulative, flirty seductress.

(…)

The show was doing well, so well that they bought a new house.

New is a way to say, because it’s old, really old. It needs to be fix, the stairs crack, it is too cold, and there are leaks in the bathroom. But it’s bigger, and each one of them get a room or something like that. Catherine Parr takes the basement, and Anne takes the attic. Anna decides to stay on the only bedroom that is on the first floor. And now Katherine is stuck between Aragon and Seymour.

The room feels impersonal, and Katherine is going crazy trying to make it feel more like her. She paints it, buys a carpet, a desk. When all of it fails, she starts pinning fanart to her wall, photos with Anne and Anna, tickets of plays and movies they attended. She is trying to make new memories but it doesn’t work, it feels like she is just pretending. As if she stole a life. It feels numb and impersonal.

An empty room could be a good metaphor for an empty brain. God knows she had never been bright.

(…)

The Tudors Season 3 episode guide says “As Henry presses for an end to his new marriage, a new sexual conquest emerges – young prostitute Katherine Howard”

(…)

“Kitty, I bought new chokers.” Anne says one day, entering her room.

Katherine doesn’t like buying new necklaces or chokers, maybe because she feels them dreadful. Still she wears them every day. The scar around her neck is a darker colour than her skin, resulting in a brownish tone to it. It looks grotesque. Internet, that magic source of information calls is a hypertrophic scar, thick and raised injured skin.

“Great.” She responds, smiling.

“I thought you might like the pink ones, after all you wear a lot of pink.” She started passing Katherine pieces of electric and baby pink fabric.

“And you wear a lot of green.”

“What can I say? It’s my brand.”

“Are you okay, Annie?” Katherine asks when she notices Anne does not have her usual energy.

“Yes, just Aragon getting on my nerves.” Boleyn sits on her bed. “I’m sure she hates me. It’s not news, we been knew for like, I don’t know, five hundred years. But I hoped it would change.”

“I’m sure she hates me too.”

“Why would you say that KitKat?” Anne frowns. “Did she say something to you?”

“No, but I’m sure she is not too fond of me. Mary wasn’t.”

The look in her cousin’s face does something to her stomach, twisting it. Anne loves her, and Kat knows she does. She uses pet names with her, and calls her Kit, or Kitty or variations of it. Anne tries to protect her. But Katherine knows she doesn’t deserve any of it. Why would she?

Even when she is trying her best, Katherine can’t love Anne back that easily. It doesn’t come natural to her. Giving her love to someone never resulted in anything good. Honestly, it resulted in death. She feels guilty about not reciprocating, but it’s the best way to keep the other queen safe.

“I love this pink.” She tries to change the conversation.

(…)

Michael Hirst describes her as a “Lolita figure”.

(…)

Not even in court, where nothing was private, and people would get into anyone’s problems, people had so much opinions. Nowadays, with social media and phones, everybody had a word. Parr said something about it, about Warhol and how we imposed the new “five minutes of fame”. Social media helped to convey that.

While she was dead, people made up their minds about her. It would be nice to say that they found her just to be someone trying their best, but for the most part it wasn’t. They described her as this femme fatale. A sexually active, young woman, who seduced a whole court.

Five hundred years later, she was still nothing more than a common harlot.

The movies, and TV shows helped with it. Always naked, disposed to just fuck. A toy. A possession. The king’s favourite flower.

Katherine couldn’t be really mad about it, because that was all about her. Even her solo was about how she was the ten among these three. Aragon was the faithful wife, Boleyn the witch who made England break the church, Seymour the one he truly loved, Cleves the great queen of the castle, Parr the feminist writer.

Katherine Howard was the pretty one.

There was no personality to it, just a pretty face that happened to be compared with real queens. Of course, she would never win.

(…)

A nymphomaniac.

(…)

The first time she doesn’t feel drugged or numb comes after a show.

They were just heading out, tired out of their minds. Katherine just felt tired, as always. With that voice in the back of her head telling her how she was weak for not giving more every performance.

A man took her by the wrist, and a wave came from it. Her whole-body getting tense. It comes from her wrist, all through her arm, to her shoulder, finally getting to her neck. And now she can’t breathe. His hand is still there, firm, while she is trembling.

It could have been hours, or minutes, or seconds, but her mind was panicking and racing. She couldn’t seem to hold on to a thought, instead everything became overwhelming, a dizzy feeling. Her body not responding her calls.

“Kitty, can you hear me?” A voice quietly talks. It must be Anne; she is the only one who calls her that.

“We should take her inside.” Another voice speaks. “It’s not safe here.”

“Outside air can help, Jane.” She starts focusing in what the queens are talking. “Kat?”

She manages to break the amount of nervous on her and starts breathing heavy, as if she just ran a marathon.

“I’m okay.”

She sounds raspy, more tired than before if it was even possible.

“Can we go home?”

Parr gives her a hand to take and stand up, but she refuses and decides to stand up by herself. Instead of going to Anna’s car as she would usually do, she heads to Aragon’s, sitting in the passenger seat, making sure to set distance between her and the other queen. Luckily nobody makes questions, and Parr rides with Cleves and Boleyn, so the car is not packed.

(…)

A girl whose only education was into how to please a man.

(…)

She didn’t think it was possible, but it gets worse.

Now, instead of feeling nothing, she feels too much. Way too many bad things. She feels something raw coming from inside of her. It’s so sad, it’s eating her from inside. Her limbs are so tired, but now she can’t sleep. There are nightmares keeping her awake.

It results that feeling was not good after all.

But at least, it makes her feel alive.

After a night full of nightmares, she would just go to the kitchen and serve herself, and usually Cathy Parr, a cup of coffee. If it wasn’t enough, another cup wouldn’t do any harm. She sometimes drank energy drinks if her first cup was not even of a little help, but tried not to rely on them. It was not healthy.

The rest of the queens didn’t bring up what happened, nor her new sleeping habits. Anne would shoot her concerned looks, but nothing outside that. No words.

She must not care. Katherine thought. She knows I’m Katherine Howard, too idiotic to even be sad.

She managed. Pretended to be happy, to have energy. To be oblivious.

(…)

A reckless fool.

(…)

“Jane, just stop it, okay?”

They were alone in the theatre, the rest of the queens were heading out to a bar, instead Seymour and Howard were going home. Katherine was just so tired after just two hours of sleep, and Jane simply didn’t liked bars as much as the rest of them.

“It’s cold, put on a coat or something more, you will catch a cold.” She tried to give the teenager her pink sweater, but all she got was rejection.

“Just don’t.” Katherine bitted her lip, but couldn’t help herself and snapped. “Stop acting as if I’m a child.”

“You are nineteen.” Jane stated.

“I am like five hundred years old.” There was bitterness in her voice. “Nobody cared about me being nineteen when the king beheaded me. They didn’t even care when I was younger, why now?”

“Because I care about you.” The blonde tried to look for Katherine’s eyes, but she was too focused on the ground.

“You shouldn’t.”

There were just too many connotations to what she was saying. She felt trapped inside her own mind, a mind that was useless. As long as she looked pretty, nobody should care about anything else. It was more than enough. Feelings were too complex and ended in tragedy, and whoever cared for her would have to see her downfall.

If she didn’t take them down with her.

After all, Thomas cared. Or so he said.

(…)

Cold, calculating and ambitious.

(…)

The nightmares would just not stop, even as much as she tried.

She would just wake up, agitated and breathless, with the images still going through her mind, even when her eyes were open looking to her bedroom celling.

Katherine tried all the things internet said about sleeping without nightmares. Don’t sleep on her stomach, drink something warm first, try to be warm. Nothing worked. It just got worse and worse, to a point were her still shaken up body would not response once she was awake, instead looking at dark figures that painted the walls in her room.

Internet calls it parasomnia, she calls it her brain just can’t seem to work properly.

It’s one night when after an episode she hears a knock on her door. Heavily moving aching muscles, she opens it, revealing Aragon with a bag of crackers.

“I heard you were having a nightmare.”

Katherine lets her in.

“Why the crackers?” She asks, while sitting back on her bed.

“They say that if you talk about a nightmare without eating something first, it will become true.”

She offers one to Katherine, who accepts.

“I am not sure it was a nightmare.” She takes a deep breath. “I don’t want to talk about it either.”

They fall into a not so comfortable silence.

“Why are you awake?” the teenager asks.

“Nights are a hard time for me. I can’t close my eyes without a memory appearing. Tonight, is Mary.”

“I remember things about her.”

“I do too. I still can remember when she was a baby, you should have seen her. Her hair was so soft, and her skin looked like porcelain. Like a doll, too perfect to be real.”

“I wasn’t even born when she was a baby.”

Aragon laughs unpredictable. “You got me there.” Her face turns darker. “I can’t wrap my head about the things she had done. What they say about her. Bloody Mary, a ghost story. She was just so kind before.”

“Life in court can change you.” Katherine establishes. “Those were other times; other things were allowed. Things people now would consider monstrous.”

“No, that is still no excuse.” Catherine smiled even with eyes full of tears. “I won’t keep you up any longer, there’s no need for it.”

“You can stay here.” Katherine spoke before thinking. “If both of us have problems sleeping, it might be good to be together.”

It becomes a thing, when they heard the other one was up, they would get a bag of crackers and go to the other room. Spending nights talking about meaningless things, trying to take their minds out of dark places.

Katherine discovers Aragon knows a lot of history, things that people have already lost, or that she never heard of. Spanish proverbs and idioms, details of her time as queen. It becomes their night time stories. Talking about the older queen’s past but never about the younger. There is something so appealing for Katherine about history, a curiosity she didn’t knew she had inside her.

It helps.

(…)

It is easy to see Katherine as a spoilt child, a child saying “I want, I want…” all the time and sticking out her bottom lip and sulking if she didn’t get her way.

(…)

Anna is objectively pretty. She doesn’t have the fine gestures of Aragon, or elegancy as Parr. She doesn’t have striking green eyes like Anne. But Anna is still attractive. Full lips, dark skin, and short hair. She chopped it off as soon as they landed to the modern times, and never let it long again.

Anna was also the only one who could remember her time as queen.

Still she doesn’t talk about it, she just ignores history all together. Cleves is great at support, noticing when they are tired and buying stuff for make them feel better.

They are friends, or so she thinks, still there is a lot that is out of the line. Things they never talk but all of them know. About her own past as queen, how Jane’s actions have led to Anne getting beheaded, about Parr’s implications with Elizabeth.

Katherine wonders if they had Googled her. If they have seen the show made about Henry. She is afraid because nobody talks about her truth, is either morbid retellings on how she was abused, on how they pimped her way into Henry’s arms, or about the teenage, spoiled brat she was.

Kat doesn’t think she is either of them. She is not just someone they used to climb their way into court, nor just a teenager who had everything she ever wanted.

Maybe she is something in the middle, constructed by pieces of it. Just pieces because she knows she is not whole; she is breaking beyond repair. Every day it passes it’s another piece, another fragment missing. A nightmare long forgotten; a night lost from her mind.

A rose without a thorn was unnatural after all.

(…)

No other wish but his.

(…)

Katherine realizes her costume is the smaller one, and not only talking about size.

She sometimes feels exposed, and wishes for pants or a better skirt, but the costume designer assured her it was better that way, to play the seductress and then surprise the audience with her real story.

Whore or victim, no in between.

At least she loved pink.

“Kitty, you ready?” Anne asked.

They were at a big studio, and their performance was going to be on TV. All the queens were so anxious the house was as loud as ever, even at night.

“I’m a little bit scared.” She admitted, punishing herself for admitting that.

“Don’t be, you do perfect every night, today is just one more day.”

Emotions fills her for a moment. And it’s not as usually the horrible, dreadful feeling, but rather a warm one.

“I love you Annie.”

Her heart is beating fast, fearing rejection by her cousin. Instead Boleyn hugs her, procuring not to squeeze her in any way she might panic.

“I love you even more Kitty.”

They stay for a while. It’s been hundreds of years since the last time someone hugged her and talked about love. But it felt real. A family bond that she never thought she could have again.

“Now, get prepared, you are going to kill it tonight.”

(…)

Had many characteristics of a juvenile delinquent, who was spoiled, fawned upon, and flattered.

(…)

Jane is the first one to start seeing a psychologist.

She has a survivor’s guilt, even when she was the one who died. But it was honest that she was also the one who came back. Katherine wants to help, but doesn’t know how. Dying is easier when you wish for it. When you leave no one behind.

“How was therapy?” Kat asks when Jane gets home after the first session.

“It’s good, I think. Talking about it was like releasing a breath I didn’t knew I was holding. I know there is still a lot to work on, but I feel like it is a good decision.” She smiles. Jane lets her hand in the table, offering it to the teenager without a word. She takes it. “Thanks for asking, Kitty.”

“Can you not call me that?” Katherine pleads, giving Jane’s hand a little squeeze. “Annie calls me that, and I like it being a thing with her.”

She knows it’s cold to just say that, but Anne has been the only one to call her that. From the moment they arrived, while everyone called her Katherine, for her cousin she was Kitty. It gave her a feeling of comfort, of belonging to a family. Boleyn was her family.

“No problem, we can look for another nickname.” Jane smiles. “I want to bake cookies, what do you think?”

(…)

Could this ‘whore in the bedroom’ really be a virgin?

(…)

“Are you okay, Catherine?” Kat asks.

The survivor was still in the kitchen, even when it was past midnight. Her face was slammed on the table, illuminated by the cold light of her notebook.

“Yes, just can’t seem to get this done.” She straightens her spine.

“What is it about?”

“Just about Spain history, and the colonies.”

“Can I read?”

“Yes. I will make tea.” Parr handles the computer to the fifth queen.

Catherine takes two mugs, and chooses peppermint tea for them both. When the water is hot, she serves it, and takes the sugar to the table.

“It is good, really.” Howard says.

“I can sense a “but”.” Catherine laughs.

“You are only taking one side; you should know how Spain sent a lot of people from the church on missions to re-educate the natives. Las misiones Jesuitas. Politics and religion were more connected than what this make it look like.”

“That’s… Very true. I didn’t know you were interested in history.”

Kat can feel her face getting redder and warmer, embarrassed.

“It’s great, if you ever want to work together, you know where to find me.”

Work. Work together.

The teenager is not sure about how to react.

(…)

If only she had been willing to put her pride and title aside, (…) she may have lost her title as queen but kept her head.

(…)

When she realizes how much her life had changed, it’s more than half a year since they arrived.

There is still something obscure, twitching inside of her. The voices of a million ghosts, and even more people now with their opinions.

Researching history with the first and the last queen helps her. She starts noticing the changes in the discourses, how things that could be empowering before now are just mere normal things. The idea of a part of history she missed is attractive, and she spends hours on Wikipedia and blogs before talking to Parr about trivia facts she finds of the years they were dead.

The house gets better by the time. Having it painted, changed the plumbing, renewed the stairs. It also gets better with them, slowly growing into a group, learning how to deal with each other.

It’s slow, but it gets better.

(…)

I have to conclude that Catherine was incredibly stupid and foolhardy.

(…)

Katherine decides to start therapy. Jane talks highly of how it affected her, how she resolved so many things about her past. And the youngest queen just wants that, to be liberated, to step out of her own shadow.

At first therapy was good, having a chance to talk about her feelings, about living with people who were totally strangers. Adapting to a new world. Having a cousin. It all comes easy, it’s just the way it is. It gives her a short feeling of release, of being liberated, but it always quickly vanishes.

Not everything can always be smooth sailing in her life.

“What is a child?” Her psychologist, a woman in her middle thirties asks.

“A child?”

“Yes, what do you consider a child?”

“A really young human, I guess.”

It’s a weird question, and she feels as if she was being interrogated. That is what exams must feel like.

“I can’t really remember a lot from my childhood.” Katherine starts. “It’s just things. My mother died when I was five. I loved dancing; my father let me study it. I was never good at important things, such as math or music.”

“Why you weren’t?”

“I’m not sure. Manox always told me how I wasn’t enough, how I should try harder and be better. Francis was also like that, telling me to be quiet, to please. My grandmother also was like that, wanted all of us, the ladies to be better.”

She waits, thinks how to continue.

“I think what I always wanted to do was to make them proud, to be always better. I wanted to be liked, just that. I thought that if I was better my father was not going to leave me in a place full of people I didn’t know.”

Katherine can feel herself thinking again, trying to put her thoughts into words once, and once again.

“Why do you do this to yourself, Katherine?” Her psychologist watches her straight to her eyes. “Why are you hiding things for me? You think, and think, and think again, trying to control what your saying, how you move, how you act. I can’t judge you, and I won’t. You need to be real here, or else therapy is not going to help.”

“When I was real, I died.” Tears are streaming down her face; a pout is there and she doesn’t want to look so much like a child, but she feels small.

“Were you real? Why did you love him?”

(…)

She must have had rocks in her head.

(…)

It takes time after that, to really open up.

It takes even more time to notice that a lot of her thoughts weren’t hers, but rather thoughts she had attached herself to. It becomes difficult to realize that she is made of other people’s opinions. That she is just a victim of an adult game. It doesn’t come easy, and when it comes, it breaks her.

It breaks her to the core, to a point she is not sure how to act because that’s all she has ever knew.

(…)

Katherine had been shameless. She had been deceitful. But that was all.

(…)

Anna is there when she gets back from one therapy session.

“How was it today?” Cleves asks.

“Was I just a child?” Katherine returns a question.

“Explain that, please.”

The queen who lived the longest makes the youngest sit on the couch.

“Was I just a child when I arrived to court?”

“You were. You were so young and knew so much about things I couldn’t even imagine.”

“I thought I was an adult.”

“That’s what older people want to make you believe to manipulate you. “You are wiser”, “Too mature for your age”, “You know better than others”.” Katherine is trembling, but that doesn’t stop Anna. “They made you believe you were ready so they didn’t have to live with their own guilt. But you are just a victim.”

The teenager starts crying, and Anna hugs her.

“I thought it was my fault.” She admits. “I thought it was me.”

(…)

There is so much that is not known about her that I am still thinking of all the ideas that people have suggested.

(…)

Dealing with trauma is not easy. Katherine slowly learns to manage. Sometimes is harder, when breathing exercises are too much for her panicking brain, or when nightmares can’t seem to stop. But she still gets out of them, learns not to blame herself.

She learns to be loved. Truly love. Not to fear emotions.

Katherine gets mad, and forgives, taking matters into her own hands. She learns to be young, to be carefree.

She learns to unlearn everything she knew, to question other people opinions about herself to the point she knows who she is, and can’t bring herself to care what an history book or some random person on internet has to say.

It’s hard, but she learns to own and embrace who she is.

[xolotoofficial]

Recorded in Advance

> “Alright, babe,” Marvus’ manager starts, making sure the bandages around his chest are well visible under his jacket, but not as visible as the layers of gold chains sitting on top. He smirks and pats him on the shoulders, eying the golden diamond-shaped studs in his ears. “You’re looking pitiful enough. Go out there and make me and your clown buddies proud.”

Marvus feels way better now that he’s had a couple of days to heal. If he was, oh, Jade, let’s say, it would probably take much longer for him to heal, but he slowly swaggers into the interview, feeling like a million but walking like he’s still injured, but healing. The stab wounds on his body were closed up at this point, and the scarring was already looking pretty minimal, but he looked like he was being held together by cotton and stitches under all the wrappings.

The day he woke up, he let them photograph his chest, and it was emblazoned across every magazine - a clown, martyred at his own show, bloody and pitiful, tore the fuck up and still devastatingly hot. Gore was barely a kink on Alternia.

The cerulean woman in her pencil skirt and killer heels splattered with warm blood sits with a notepad in her lap and a winning smile. She was a familiar site. They had done interviews before, and she was very efficient. “Are you ready? Do you remember all the questions and answers we’re going through today, Mr. Xoloto?”

He smiles and nods, feeling the cameras on him again. It’s familiar, and he can honestly say he missed it. “Yes, I remember. It’s a steel trap up here, even if it’s been knocked around a lil’ bit.”

She feigns concern and they both cackle with each other. She was easy to win over, as easy as anyone else, but at least she had fun with it.

“You’re such a messy bitch.” She croons, recrossing her legs, one set of eyes looking at her notes and the other staring into him with glee. “Alright, everyone shut up and start rolling!...” She herself smiles into the camera. “Hello and welcome to all of you at hive watching, this is Krayvt Terrox, of course. Today I’m joined by one of the most masterful jesters this side of Alternia in an exclusive interview. Known for the size of his crowds, the size of the bloodshed, and the size of him… well. Marvus Xoloto, it’s so good to have you here, and so soon after this grizzly attempt on your life.”

He smiles and nods lazily, moving very little. “Only by motherfuckin’ grace, sister. It’s great to be here, Kravyt.”

“Let’s start with the obvious - your attacker isn’t a stranger to the disciplinary system, and according to multiple sources, he’s been on the cull list for some time for abandoning his duties and past violence on trolls of higher blood. It’s rather stupid of him to brazenly walk on stage when common knowledge among us who actually use our pans that you like to keep a certain amount of attention and cameras on you. I have to ask, did you know Lanque Bombyx personally?”

Marvus shakes his head. “No. We had some mutual acquaintances once upon a time, but I didn’t know him, or about him, or get any warnin’s on his violent ass nature. We’ve attended some same parties, but other than that? Nada.”

“Oh, interesting. Let’s start with those acquaintances. Did you have any altercations or issues with those mutual acquaintances?”

He shakes his head again. “Oh, no. It’s funny, the only people we both knew seemed to either not want much to do with him, or just didn’t have nice things to say. I take care of my friends, ya know? And that includes listenin’ to em, so I did my best.”

“Of course, Marvus the Great wouldn’t be associating with such base criminals. I’m sure the people who lost him to the cull list were very disappointed.”

Marvus laughs. Thinking of Daraya being disappointed in Lanque’s crimes tickled him. “Can’t say fer sure since he came up so rarely, but I’m sure they were pretty g-d bummed.”

Kravyt’s eyes narrow and she leans in. “Now, about the parties? What’s the secret there?”

“Oh, god, ain’t no secret. They was jus’ meetin’ ups I was havin’ with some of my siblin’s. He was there at the same time, in my ass and all that. The only secret I might think was there was that he was followin’ me. Ain’t uncommon, but ain’t impressive on me.”

His interrorgator simply laughed, flipped a page in her paper. “Gosh, this is a funnier story than I expected. Here we all were, thinking he was some sort of hired hand or a wronged quad, but he’s really a jealous nobody. So, what happened that night? Why does Marvus Xoloto lose to an overly desperate fan like that? It’s not every day that someone attempts on a clown’s life, let alone escapes from the scene, and a Jade blood on top of that. A well-trained subjugglator would be expected to win that match up, easy.”

“Well, I ain’t subjug trained, I’m laughsassin trained. We more like a clown utility knife, less of a club to the face, ya dig?” One hand plays with a chain around his neck, the other hand waving away the last statement. “Not disparagin’ of course, I love the heavy hitters in my family, but I ain’t made to maintain that kinda rage all long term and shit. After a bumpin’ ass night of performin’, ya could guess that I was tired a-f. Ain’t help that on top of tired I was all cocky and shit - I’ve always been the type for spectacle, and I ain’t thought that through much at the time. I was jus’ tryin’ ta stop him, wound him all for-life-like, put on a show, and I got blood in my eyes for just a second and, well, I got the beatin’ I well up and deserved for bein’ a show-off, durin’ the fight and durin’ that long-ass slam session.”

Marvus takes a pause. He stops his fidgeting and his eyes cut to the ground. Clowns don’t show shame, but he does it regularly on global television. Even Kravyt, who knew what the questions and answers were ahead of time leans in while the camera does the same on his face.

“But I wanted to make my fans all happy, you know? Shit, they show was gettin’ ruined, and I wanted to give em another to make up for it... That was my b. If I knew he was such a criminal I woulda been more on toppa dat shit, but I ain’t sure it mattered much. Like I said, I’d been performin’ for a long time at that point - like, i-d-k, almost 3 hours?” He pauses though, stage whispering to the woman across from him. “And don’t tell nobody, but I mighta been a lil’ slack on my training. Gotta get that fixed now, don’t I?”

Kravyt nods in understanding, swinging her foot. “Thank you for that, Marvus. I’m sure that was difficult to talk about. Let’s move onto something a little less clinical - how are you feeling?”

Marvus beams for the camera. “Aww, thanks sis. I’m doin’ pretty okay. I should be all healed up sooner than later. Then I can get back to all that good” - and sometimes illegal, you know how it is - “work I’m motherfuckin’ known for.”

He winks through Kravyt and she blushes, but it wasn’t really for her. That one was for the cameras - the rebels he had been helping for the past two sweeps. The clubs he bought out. The performers he had been recruiting. He wasn’t out of the game, and he wanted them to know that.

“And what about the church? How are they feeling about all of this? What about your friends?”

Marvus nods sagely at her question. “Well, my family ain’t to happy. Last I heard they were makin’ their own moves about this. Somethin’ about uppin’ security every-motherfuckin-where, and they hired some kickass to the case? Wild a-f. I ain’t all involved or nothin’ cuz, ya know, I’m a motherfuckin’ loud mouth and alla dat, but they’ve been supportive of me. And as for friends...”

He smiles a little, face as neutral as usual. “Well, they’re goin’ a lil’ SHITHIVE. I get it though. Somethin’ terrible happened to one of their friends, all because of Lanque. He’s gettin’ all sorts of people hurt with these weird motherfuckin’ antics. Who knows who’s gonna be all in the path next? Can’t imagine how hurted his cloister must be - they be their own sorta family, and I kinda feel some kinship about that. I know most trolls ain’t gettin’ what clowns got, but I know, if I up and imagine, it would suck if I fucked up and got a sister of mine hurt, you know?”

And that one was for Lanque.

“How kind of you to empathize with the associates and friends of a criminal. But that almost sounds just as juicy as this -”

“None of that, sis. This is just me havin’ my own fun. I mean, the church got him covered - I get somethin’ of my own, I think. I just wish his family the best.”

“You really have a gilded heart, don’t you?”

“Aww, I don’t know about that…”

“And so humble.” She giggles. “One last question, then.” Kravyt nods and finishes her scrawling. “It’s really good to see that you’re alive and well. Is there anything else you’d like to tell the good people at home?” Marvus turns to the camera to his left and gives another best winning smile. “I’ll be going on a whole new tour in three nights from now to celebrate my good health! Tickets are available now, and locations are listed up on my website. While you’re there, if you’re feelin’ up to it and know anything at all about the location of my attacker, there’s a text form you can submit, only available to people who’re signed up to my Fanclub.”

“It was lovely to have you on tonight,” the smiley four-eyed woman chirps pleasantly, offering her hand. He leans forward with an exaggerated wince, reciprocating the action. She looks at him with her own over-acted pity. “Thank you again, Marvus.

“...aaaand cut it! Start shutting this down. Good job, Marvus. We’ll get these all edited up and it should be going up as soon as it’s done. A day or so. You were wonderful as usual - only took three takes to get all the footage we need.”

Marvus stands and stretches, clapping his hands together once. “Glad we could do this, f-r. Hey, don’t be a stranger, sis - maybe we’ll get to talk without me actin’ like I ain’t ever been stabbed before, lmaooo.”

She shrugs. “I suppose it might be good for ratings - people really are obsessed with you. Who knew that a person could capitalize on their powers like this? Like, shit, I don’t get it, but clearly huffing your voodoo-vibes or whatever is better than coke.”

[id-rather-be-an-outsider]

Sunflower Dreams | pt I

Aaron Davis (Spiderverse) x Reader

word count: 1757 (or about that, I made some tweaks after I copy pasted it here so uh.... rough guestimate?)

summary: when young and educated y/n’s given the opportunity of a lifetime, she plans accordingly. her life is finally starting to be perfect, until suddenly, it’s not anymore. her friendly neighborhood bachelor, Aaron Davis, helps her pick up the pieces, as she unknowingly makes him see that there’s more to life than being a villain.

a/n: I decided to write this story bc Aaron Davis gets no love, which is crazy to me, and because I had a little idea cooking up in my head that I thought would be a good story. I took a lot of inspiration for the protagonist from my own life, but you’re only gonna hear slivers of it for now. I have no idea how many chapters this is gonna be, but like. I hope someone enjoys this, bc I know I will enjoy writing it. also. I wrote this story from my perspective, so when I imagine the reader, I envision her as kinda ambiguous in the ethnic department (I’m mixed but white-presenting), but she can be whatever ya’ll want her to be. lightskin, darkskin, anything. okay. Imma let ya’ll read now haha jk I also gotta say, HELL YEA I USED TREVANTE RHODES AS MY PERSONAL FANCAST FOR AARON DAVIS, THAT MAN IS FWOINE AIN’T NOBODY FINNA TELL ME ANY DIFFERENT FUCK OUTTA HERE

    I didn’t make a big deal about moving to New York to pursue my Masters. Already had my Bachelors in Business Administration with a minor in Fine Arts, just got my Bachelors in Education, and now I was ready to chase after my Masters. It only made sense to take the opportunity. How often are you gonna be offered a full ride in exchange for opening your own business in Brooklyn upon graduation, with the funding necessary to do so? Once it took off, I’d return to Tacoma and pay the city my gratitude for making me who I was.

     As I was saying, it was a quiet departure. Thank God I’m a minimalist, otherwise I would’ve had a LOT more items to bring with me. My boyfriend and I packed all my belongings and made the trek across the US after saying goodbye to my family and friends. He was driving. We held hands all the way there. Sometimes speaking, sometimes not.

     When we got to my new home, I already had a parcel of mail waiting for me from my university. After we took up the first load, we sat down on my empty floor and opened it. It welcomed me home and had a map, coffee shops and fun places circled for me to go visit. It was sweet.

     By noon we had everything in my unit thanks to a friendly neighbor named Aaron Davis and his nephew, a funny kiddo named Miles who reminded me of why I came to New York in the first place, and by the evening we had everything unpacked. We walked to a Starbucks and had coffee and sandwiches, now sitting on my bed with our stomachs full. The window was open, the faint beeps and honks of traffic coming from far below.

     We curled up into each other. “I fucking hate this,” I said. “It’s not fair.”

     “I know. I do too. And you know I would stay here with you if I could, but I’m still having no luck finding a job here.”

     “Fuck finding a job, I’ll be the breadwinner of the family,” I laughed, even though I was serious. He knew I was.

     “I can’t burden you like that financially. I promise, as soon as I land an interview, you’re gonna be the first to know. And as soon as I get hired, I’m showing up on your doorstep.” He kissed my forehead. “I don’t say it near enough, but I love you, and I’m so proud of you.”

     “I love you too. And thank you. It’s like, my entire life is falling perfectly into place, all but- well- except for you.”

     “We’ll get there, I promise. For now, just finesse every man or woman here who will buy you dinner, and try to have fun.” He rubbed my back, continuing, “You’ve never dated anyone but me, so... take it as your opportunity to learn about what you like, and once we’re together again, we can find a way to fit any new and quirky tastes you find you have into the relationship. But-“ His hand moved down quick and slapped my ass, squeezing it and illiciting an ‘ow’ of protest from me- “This is still mine, so no fucking, or else I’ll be doing more beating than just beating that pussy up.”

     I laughed and said, “You fuckin’ freak.”

     “Yea, but you like that shit.” He said confidently.

     “Shut the fuck up, why you gotta be so loud about what we do when the window’s open?” I gave him a light punch, then whispered in his ear, “But aye, like, I won’t deny it.”

     “Good, because that would’ve been real awkward after I’ve been in them guts for four years straight.” Then he lowered his voice. “Speaking of which, I’m trynna be in them once more tonight and tomorrow morning.”

     “I dOn’T hAvE aS HiGh Of A sEx dRiVe As YoU!” I mocked him in my best Spongebob voice. “Always lyin for why?”

     He pulled me on top of him and kissed me, his way of telling me to shut up nicely. “Shhhh, I’m just trynna make the most of the time we have left before I have to go back to Tacoma.”

     “But you don’t have to go,” I said, “You can stay here-“

     He cut me off with a series of kisses, “I already-“ “-bought-“ “-the tickets-“ “-so I actually do kinda have to.” He wrapped his arms around me, petting my hair. He always said I had the softest curls he’d ever touched.

     “I just wish you could stay,” I whispered. “We’ve already made it through so much, each of us on our own and then together, I just-“ I cut myself off. The tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to spill over. “-I just-“

     “Baby, say it. If your overthinker brain is gonna torture you with this, I wanna hear it so I can put those thoughts to rest.”

     “I just keep thinking that something’s gonna happen to you and I’m gonna lose you. The very idea of that terrifies me, and makes me want to weep-“ I go cross eyed as I watch a tear fall from my eye and trail down my nose- “-because I don’t know how to live without you. And I mean that in a couple ways.”

     “Well... I’m not leaving you forever. I’m coming back here as soon as possible, I’m gonna talk to you on Discord every chance I get, I’m gonna call you every day,  and I’m gonna go to sleep every night dreaming that I’m here with you. For all we know, I could be coming back here in less than a month.” He tilted my chin up to look in my eyes. “Even if I’m not physically present, I’m always gonna be here. You’re never alone.”

     “I love you.”

     “I love you too.”

     In the morning, we slept in late and cuddled until he absolutely had to get up. We both hopped in the shower and he put on his airport clothes while I pulled on a pale, lemon yellow sweatsuit with a white gold chain to match. Gotta let these hoes know, I outdress them even on my bummy days.

     The ride to the airport was a back and forth between us kissing at red lights and screaming out different lyrics from XXXTentacion, Post Malone, JUICE WRLD and whoever the hell else we felt like listening to as we drove, much like we did since the beginning of our relationship.

     When we got there, we took our time saying goodbye since he didn’t have to stress too much about baggage check. We said we loved each other, once I couldn’t see him anymore I called him and we talked while I drove back to my new home and he waited for his flight, and then he was called to board so we got off the phone, but not before he promised me that he would call me as soon as he landed.

     When I got home, I stopped by the mailbox to see if I had anymore mail and simultaneously checked my Instagram, seeing a flurry of notifications. Suddenly, his mom called me.

     “Hi mom, what’s up? Are you okay?” I said as I scrolled through my Instagram, trying to make sense of all the digital confusion.

     She sniffled.

     “Mom, what happened?”

     “Check the news, babygirl... have you not seen it yet?”

     “Uh, no, I haven’t, but I’ll check it out right now,” I said, putting her on speakerphone.

     She started sobbing, saying “I’m so sorry, baby, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have called you like this, but I wanted to be the one to tell you.”

     And that’s when I saw my worst fears in a news article:

NYC - Sea Bound Plane Crashes, No Survivors

A horrific accident has happened today, and experts are still struggling to find out how - a plane headed to Seattle malfunctioned mid-flight, claiming the lives of everyone on board. Many of the victims have already been identified by their families, not by looks, but by the identification on their bodies at the time of the incident. Below this article are photos of the bodies. If you think you can identify one of them, contact...

     I couldn’t finish reading. I scrolled and saw the bodies, all of them mangled and torn apart, almost unrecognizable as humans. Hearing his mom say ‘he’s dead’ over and over again as I stared at the pictures made me lose my stomach.

     Up came all of my breakfast, and whatever Starbucks I hadn’t yet digested from the night before.

     “Mama, I love you, but I have to call you back later-“ a pause as I threw up again. “I’m physically sick. I’m so sorry,” I sobbed the last sentence, and after hearing a teary goodbye from the other end, hung up. I’d dropped my mail the first time and only now noticed that it was covered in my mess. I didn’t care. I started crying, which was a mistake, because it only made me throw up more, this time nothing but bile.

     “Hey, are you okay?” I whipped around, facing Aaron Davis, the friendly man from the day before.

     “I- I’m sick.” I said, and immediately burst into tears. “Please help me.” Those three words rarely ever left my mouth, but even I know when I can’t do something on my own. He put his keys in his pocket and reached out to me.

     Mere minutes later, I was in my unit, crouched over the toilet, heaving. Aaron had guided me there, holding my hair out of my face as I continued to puke. He called management and told them what happened, and he told me they were already cleaning it up.

     “Listen... I know it’s not my place to say anything, seeing as I’m just your neighbor, but...” He rubbed the back of his neck as he was crouched beside me. “I overheard the phone call. And I overheard the conversation you had with your boyfriend last night. He loved you.”

     “I know he did.” I said, because it was true.

     “I just... look, if you need anything, I’m here. I know you‘re hurting a lot right now, and I know you may want nothing but for everyone to leave you alone, especially the new dude who isn’t minding his business, but if you need anything, I’m here. And Imma check up on you. You’re not alone. You’re never alone.”

     I laughed, but it held no real warmth. “He said that last part to me yesterday night.”

     “He was right. And still is.”

[finderskeepersff]

61. Part 2

Amira is trying to suppress her smile “what is funny?” I asked, I mean none of this is funny and he’s just taking things to heart “just the way he said they have been rude to me, he seems so sad about it. I’m sorry, it’s just cute Cassius. Just stood there making a cute ass point that people are being mean to him on Insta. Nigga, don’t let them get to you. She is with you, that is so funny. What they saying about you Cass?” It was cute the way he said it, he’s adorable “that I look ugly, I ain’t ugly. I know I’m not” ok Amira is right, he is being way too cute “you’re not, you’re my handsome baby. They just jealous of us, don’t mind them” walking over to him “I don’t want to be mean, like I ain’t playing that. I am trying to rebuild myself, now I’m not good enough for you. It’s not fair that I can’t just be happy” I shushed Cassius “stop” placing my hand over his mouth “you are happy, you are ok. Baby you got me, I am with you. I sleep with you at night nobody else. Stop it” placing my arms around his neck “I know, I will be that tough nigga again. Watch” I just laughed, placing my hand on his chest “I just want you happy ok? I don’t care for what they said or what they look like” Cassius pressed a kiss to my forehead “you will never leave me will you?” Furrowing my eyebrows “why would I do that, Cassius I love you, trust me. I love you and only you” Cassius nodded his head “Cass, let’s go out” Kyle said, Cassius looked behind him “I will stay with Sofia” moving back from Cassius “go with him, I will be here” it will get him out of my hair for while, he is so clingy.

Taking in a deep breath turning to Amira “girl, he is so clingy to you. Even when he was sitting at the table, he was resting his head on your shoulder. It’s cute” licking my top lip smiling “he’s aight” I shrugged “he’s aight, girl who you fooling. But I ain’t going to lie to you, Kyle been saying that word on the street is that Cassius has ran off after kicking his family out, people are saying he ain’t shit for doing that. People think he hiding from someone because like in this game, there is always someone waiting to take you down. It’s like if that top boss do happens to go, there is someone there to take it, now Kyle has been to Brooklyn. There is some new guy in town, he’s been taking some patches here and there, now Kyle thinks people are assuming Cassius is running from that but he ain’t. I think it’s difficult for Cassius because at the end of the day, there is always someone watching him, watching us and that will never stop. Kyle deep down needs him back, he feels Cassius is being too free recently. Doesn’t use the French brothers at all, he’s going out alone and walking alone. He’s either asking to be killed purposely or he thinks he’s free, hand on my heart. I don’t think he’s ready to go to Brooklyn, he’s very much on you and wants to be near you. I said to Kyle, do what you need to do so he did but he’s fucked up, ok what I am trying to say. The warehouse in Atlanta has got raided by people and all the money and drugs they had there has gone. And Kyle doesn’t know what to do, I don’t know how to advise him and he’s like a lot of money has gone and he doesn’t want to tell Cassius but it’s showing they are weak by not getting back at them. It’s a mess, we have lied to him to make it seem ok” the only thing I could do was release a deep sigh, a very deep sigh that this is not good “I don’t know what you want to do, you’re his prime carer” now I feel obliged to say something.

“You been quiet for a while now?” Amira said, I mean what does she want me to say “so Cassius goes out the game for what, a few months and it’s all collapsing around him? If I tell him this he will up and go, I don’t want that. Yes Cassius does go outside, he’s outside our home! The fuck do they want him to do? Why can’t they just leave him alone” Shaking my head as I logged onto my Insta to see what is popping off, I mean whatever was said has upset my little bald headed baby “he’s the brains behind it that is why Sofia, he’s so clever. Kyle ain’t him and I have told him that, people are scared of Cassius. Kyle is nothing” my cousins from Barbados are the cutest, I miss them so much “what you smiling at girl?” Amira jumped down from the counter “my cousins from Barbados, I kind of announced I’m having my second child and well. They are just so happy, I miss them. Also I got a weird text, someone sent me happy thanksgiving and I don’t know that number” changing the picture to Cassius and I so I can read the comments “did you not reply? Reply to it, it’s got to be someone you know” taking in a deep breath I mean the comments ain’t bad “I will, Cassius is just fussing for nothing. It’s because someone put just beautiful and you can do better, and someone put here he ugly” Amira snorted laughing “ok that was rude, fuck them. Cassius is a goodlooking man. Kyle even said how many women wanted him” I shuddered at the throught, I mean it figures on why Cassius clung onto Celine. Someone his age “yeah” I drifted off “but back to this situation, I think Kyle should tell him and then I will pick up the pieces. He’s going back to that life, I need to know how he will be so tell him that” it’s a big test for him I know.

You know when you’re watching something but you’re not taking it in, that is me right now. Kyle and his father in law are shouting at the TV, they are desperate for them to win whatever team they have chosen but I sit here mute. I didn’t get the chance to do such a thing, to have fun and watch this. I was glad to get some leftovers, even then that was nothing. I like these events but it’s also bad memories for me, I never got to be normal and I feel weird now that I am. I just feel pointless, I don’t know “you see that bro” Kyle hit my shoulder, I smiled “yeah” I laughed it off, I mean I got to play it off I know what is happening. This is what men do, drink and watch football “you remember when you bought me those basketball game tickets” I looked over at Sofia “I do yes, it was a good day. You had fun” nodding my head “I did” I drifted off, all the money in the world and I never treated myself to that. Brooklyn Nets, I am a fan but only because it’s Brooklyn, when did I get time to support them. Rubbing my head, I don’t need bad thoughts like I wish they would leave me alone. Looking up as they all shouted, I can’t do this, no wait I can “I can do this” I said to myself “what?” Sofia said at the side of me, this whole notmaility thing outside of rehab is daunting to me. Henry said things will feel it, I will feel different because I am me and I don’t like me so how can I just live, it doesn’t make sense at all “come, get up” Sofia said as she got up from the couch “Amira you ok with holding Cartier? I will be back, come on Cassius” where the hell we going.

Kyle and Amira do not look after their garden, it’s a mess and the flowers are dying and that is bad “you come here to show me flowers?” Sofia smiled shaking her head “I come outside to talk to you, you seem very stressed in there” nodding my head “I suppose” I said in a whisper “talk to me” she said talk to her but I feel bad in saying things “just feels different, you know. To be normal in there, to feel things. How do you do normal, I’ve always been high or somewhat numb to it. I just want to be in your world” Sofia cooed out “I want to be in your world too, that is fine Cassius. To experience new feelings is good, something you didn’t get to do or have. My heart aches for you Cassius because” Sofia sighed out “no matter what you do, your name sticks. You have this stuck to you, you’re a dealer. Well the boss but this will be always stuck with you and no matter what you do you can’t escape that” putting my head down “I know I’m being watched, I was in the barbers and the guy was sat waiting to have his hair done but he was there watching me, I’ve been getting watched since I come back, when I’m out there. I know I can’t escape it, this is why reality is not good to me. It’s only good in your world and to get into your world I have to be with you and to be with you I need to be home. I knew I was being watched and I still left on my own” I have known for a while “you’re really hurting me” Sofia said “I didn’t say because why would I, I’m a grown man I can handle myself” I really knew but never said “it proves that mentally Cassius you’re there. You know what you’re doing, I look into your eyes and I see you’re lost, hurting. Talk to me” nodding my head “being normal sucks, my reality sucks. That is it” Sofia’ face softened “but with you I’m ok, I just want to be with you” Sofia walked towards me “come here” Sofia opened her arms “reality does suck but baby” resting by head on her shoulder “but baby you got me, Cartier, Kyle and Amira and all my friends. We all love you, I get that you have been drugged up to be this machine but even the strongest people break, I know you Cassius and I know you are a very clever man. Just that the world doesn’t deserve you” closing my eyes, just to be in Sofia’ embrace.

We have been here for so long, I just want to go home “Cassius, it’s Raphael. He needs to speak to you” Kyle said “you speak to him” I said “I don’t want to speak to him! I want to speak to the boss!” Kyle has him on speaker phone, the room is so eerily quiet now but luckily everyone is asleep besides Amira and Sofia and also Kyle “I couldn’t talk to him Cassius, I’m sorry” why is he apologising “Cassius my friend, you stop hiding” licking my top “I’m sorry bro” taking the phone from him, taking it off speaker phone “yes” I answered “what the fuck!” He shouted in my ear “you had me dealing with amateurs! He is not you, he doesn’t know how to move anything! What the fuck!! You motherfucker, playing games?” I really can’t care less “I needed time away” I can only say the truth “oh brother, time costs money. And money that we losing, you have idiots! When have you decided to replace the drugs we lost huh? My money, where is it. Why are we down Cassius, why is Atlanta not been running right because you wanted a break? You think drug business waits? You my son, you have been one piece of shit I been dealing with. I thought you died and then my friend says he’s here, a picture of you playing with flowers? You ok? The brains! That is what you are and you ran away and left us with Kyle, he is not you. Our drugs got hit twice! You hear that? Twice?” What is he on about “how can that be unless we have another snake?” That is bullshit “no, no snake just pure stupidity from your side, people think you ran away and now think they can run riot but no, Cassius is hiding like a pussy!” Taking in a sharp breath “Raphael, if I wanted I can come there and break your neck. You come correct when you speak to me, I am your fucking boss! You sold me your business. You needed me here. In France you may be shit but here you ain’t shit! I will come there and beat you” Raphael laughed “welcome back, see you soon then to beat my ass” he disconnected the call, the phone line went dead and I moved the phone away from ear. It’s a waste of time, being this is a waste. My hand tightened around the phone “fuck!” I shouted and threw Kyle’ phone “Cassius” Sofia said but I snatched my arm away.

So many thoughts are running through my mind right now, I don’t know what the fuck to think about or do. You know when you feel the pressure building on you, you feel the weight of everything on you, this is me. I feel like everyone is staring at me, and they are. I mean I knew that, I knew this would happen. I do have idiots here, I mean Kyle is just an idiot overall, it was Mylen that was good. Turning around as I continued to play with my bottom lip with my fingers, looking over at Kyle “he tried Cassius, I mean I can tell you the truth. He has tried his best, he did this for you Cassius. Nobody else, he didn’t want to ruin your bubble” I sniggered “that burst, so would you like to explain. I am being really calm right now, I mean I am getting followed everywhere, which is fine. I don’t care but how bad is it? Because you got to remember, Raphael’ business is mine now, we run his part and I am failing on this” Kyle put his head down “we lost the warehouse” Kyle said in a whisper “huh?” I said, I didn’t hear that really “we lost the warehouse, I was seeing to other things. Cassius you go to understand this!” Kyle spat as I got closer to him “you meaning to tell me a whole warehouse of my drugs is gone? How is the club operating? On air, I ain’t going to kill you so don’t look at me like that” Kyle swallowed hard “so what was you doing? Tell me the truth? Let me guess, you had issues in Miami so you ran off there to be with Anira and left my shit wide open like some pussy, you did that and I know you. You fucked up my shit, you being real. And you right Sofia I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to fucking hear it!” I spat, I know her ass will start speaking on shit I don’t want to hear it “you know what, all of y’all fuck yourselves because it’s the lies that get on my nerves” I am bored of them all, hiding shit away from me when my shit is on the ground.

I don’t want to be with anyone, I don’t want too see or hear anyone. I am just going to sit on my own and think, think so much my brain explodes. This is big, this is not small. You know how hard I work, how much bloodshed goes into doing this and he did this. So now there will be more bloodshed for what, being he’s an idiot. I just needed him to oversee, for him to show people we are good and he can’t do this “you have been quiet Cassius, it’s late I don’t mind listening. You got me on the phone for something” Henry said on speakerphone “it’s dumb, this whole process is dumb. I just wanted to let you know that” he needs to know “Cassius, what is it? Don’t call me spitting your pacifier out, something happened and now you’re upset” what does he know “you and I both know I work with drugs, something failed” I ain’t going into detail “then let it fail, this is a blessing you needed. That life is your past Cassius. Step outside it” looking in my rear view mirror “I will be stepping outside, I will call you tomorrow. Night” disconnecting the call, getting out of the car. I might as well just see to the dickhead following me, slamming the car door shut “Cassius” and here I was going to beat their asses “not like you to follow me now” she got a new nigga with her too “missed you too Cassius” she still likes me.

Lighting my blunt, moving the blunt back away from my lips “you here to arrest me Kalia, I know you like me handcuffs a lot” blowing the smoke out “where is Anne? Fired?” them two lesbian lovers are never apart “we know who your informant is Cassius, how was Rehab?” see this is why I hate that bitch “can’t I go rehab? Trying to change for my family you see” she laughed “right, just like you burned your family home, change you say? Laying low now? You know what Cassius, I know everything but I can’t prove it, you’re playing by the book. That girl of yours has you at bay I guess” she is funny “you fucked her yet? She tends to like fucking her suspects and colleagues too, look I am just sat here minding my business. What do you want? You ain’t even from here, so what is it?” this blunt has worked wonders, for me anyways “investigating the warehouse that was on fire here, it seems to be linked to Brooklyn. You know anything?” I am sure that was my warehouse “what warehouse? I will never understand why you chase me around, it’s weird” Kalia smirked at me “just checking on you, remember Cassius. We will always be behind you, Connor can you wait in the car for me” the guy is called Connor, leaning on my car as he walked away, I wonder what she wants “Anne got killed, by one your people and I know they are yours. You and that little French man, you think I am stupid Cassius. I know it all but I need proof. I am just here because of things going on, we are passing on information to one another about, connecting you to thing and yes your informant is gone” taking in a deep breath “that’s cute for you, if you wasn’t such a dickhead we could have been best friends” if I was single, I would dick her down and let her be on my side “sure Cassius” flicking my blunt “what do you want? A kiss?” she just laughed “I’ll be in touch” she walked off.

Throwing my car key to the side, I had time to think I guess “you’re back, I couldn’t sleep” Sofia came out of nowhere “I am back, I just needed time to think” Sofia stood in front of me, searching my eyes while Cartier also stared at me like he is searching for something in me “I ain’t high, I didn’t do anything if you thinking that. I just had a blunt” if she don’t quit staring at me like I am lying “I get worried, we can talk about it” shaking my head “I just want to sleep, I ain’t going to fuck up. Not the both of you” I need to let this idea marinate in my mind first but I am still thinking why that Kalia let information slip, what does she want “we go to sleep? Look, I don’t want you and Kyle fighting, I want you to just talk to me, I want you to take a step back and think about what you are doing?” hugging Sofia “I know, I think I needed a slap to the face” I needed to wake up “but you need to look after you” Sofia hugged me “I got you for that” I will punch Raphael when I see him, I need to get my business back in line and I will be even more powerful then I was and I am clear minded this time. Moving back from the hug “let me hold” I said as I took Cartier from Sofia “you was waiting for me too” pressing a kiss to his cheek “we good Sofia, it’s fine” I am going to be calm about this and I ain’t fucking up, I got too much to lose.

[tessatechaitea]

Superman: Up in the Sky #4

Best DC cover ever or greateast DC cover ever? Those are the only two choices.

Die Tasche. Die Tasche? DieTasche! Die Tasche. Shtop.

The story begins with somebody talking about a race for charity between Superman and The Flash. They say it was televised and that people bought tickets to sit along the route and watch it. Seems like a huge scam to me. How long could it actually take Flash to run around the Earth ten times? Like fifteen seconds? I could probably do the math on it but I don't want to show off. But this story assumes that Flash and Superman didn't run so fast that people couldn't at least see them blur by. So this kid telling the story says that Lex Luthor offered to double the money to charity if Superman loses. And Superman heard it with his super-hearing which meant Superman was going to just have to win no matter what! He'd just have to believe he was faster than The Flash and then be faster than The Flash. Because that's how comic books work. What makes a hero is the secret reserve of strength and will and confidence that only appears when the hero is about to be defeated. People who are defeated aren't heroes because they don't have that reserve. They are losers. Big stupid losers. Did you die from your cancer? Not a hero, jerk. Did you fail to get that promotion at work because you didn't complete the project a hero would have completed at the last minute? Total loser. Did one of your kids drown in the pool because you gave up on the CPR like a big jerko loser dumb-dumb? Yeah. Not a hero. Maybe even a villain! But Superman, being a hero, now had to win the race for charity! And The Flash apparently isn't a hero because where were his secret reserves to beat Superman? What an idiotic failure. Although I haven't finished the story yet! Maybe Superman is still going to lose just like the cover implies! I bet the point of this story is that Superman loses sometimes but nobody ever gives up hope in him! And he always tries his hardest! And maybe even before the race, he made a bet in Vegas that Lex Luthor would bet a billion dollars against him which would pay off like a billion to one!

Lame. Superman wins.

Superman wins but the dumb kid telling the story doesn't explain how. The kid just goes on and on about contradictions but totally uses the word incorrectly. Like saying "Superman is faster than a speeding bullet" is a contradiction. Is it? How? If Superman is faster than a speeding bullet than he's faster than a speeding bullet and that's not a contradiction! Stupid idiot kid. The kid is so dumb I bet the kid got the story wrong and just made it up to make herself feel better. Because the kid telling the story is the girl that Superman is looking for and she has to believe that Superman can do the impossible (like win a race against The Flash) or else she's just going to rot on whatever planet she's lost on. So the story is about hope or something. Superman hopes and so Superman does. It's kind of like Oprah's Secret, I guess? It doesn't make any sense but since it's Superman, you always know he's going to win. Even that time he died, he won by killing Doomsday as well. So see? Blade was wrong. You should always bet on red! And blue! The second story is also about hope. Hey! Are all these stories about the hope Superman gives people?! I've been duped! I thought this was going to be a bunch of stories about how hard Superman can punch bad guys! Stupid DC Comics hiring some intellectual namby-pamby like Tom King! Writing stories that are all, "Superman shows how faith and hope can inspire us to be better than we are!" Whatever! I hope the next issue is about Superman punching a gigantic space monster! Superman: Up in the Sky #4 Rating: Oh yeah! The second story was about Superman interacting with Clark Kent because they were struck by magic space lightning and separated into two unique people. As if that's a thing! Somehow Superman's Kryptonian DNA makes him all logical and shit while his human upbringing makes him all emotional and valiant and sacrificial and awesome! Isn't that the way it always is? Humans are the greatest beings in the universe because they know how to cry while reading Shakespeare! Everybody else in the universe is a boring old rational Vulcan! If another alien species is allowed to be emotional, they only get one emotion. Like how Klingons are angry and Ferrengi are sneaky and Romulans have huge cocks and Guardians of the Universe are assholes. Only humans have mastered the spectrum of emotion and that makes them the best! Go Clark Kent! You teach that Superman a thing or two about hope! Now merge with him again for next issue and get to punching shit!

[littledonkeyburrito]

No, I do not know Mr Ikea

1. Have you ever painted a car? No.

2. What’s the brand of your sneakers? I’m not currently wearing any but most of the shoes I own are converse.

3. Are there any gnomes in your yard? What yard?

4. When was the last time you were somewhere that offered free Wi-Fi? Probably the last time I went to a bar or maybe shopping centre??

5. Do you ever have to write down a phone number to remember it, or not?Does anyone actually remember phone numbers in this day and age?

6. When was the last time you were stung by a bee? What kind was it? Never. It was always a little fear in the back of my head that I’d get stung by a bee or wasp for the first time when I was at work on nightshift on a site with nobody else around and realise I’m allergic and die.

7. Are you gonna buy lottery tickets when you’re old enough? I have been old enough for like 5 years and I’ve never bought one. (this was so written by a 14 year old)

8. What’s the last thing your parents yelled at you about? My parents don’t yell at me because if things go wrong it’s my own damn fault and my own damn problem. Part of being an adult.

9. Have you ever been into a real cave? Yeah I went to a couple in Tasmania last year.

10. Does your local museum permit free entry to students? No idea but most of them do free entry one sunday per month.

11. When your picture is being taken, do you smile with/without teeth, or do you not smile at all? Depends on the photo and my mood at the time.

12. What’s your favorite type of seafood? Prawns. Honestly, prawns are a gift sent from heaven. 

13. Have you ever been to Florida? No

14. Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it? Nah it’s not really uncommon. When I was in grade 8 there was a kid who started calling me a sort of shortened nickname version of my last name which, from an outside perspective, could sound racist. Anyway, this kid was a dick and a teacher heard him call me that once and gave him detention.

15. Have you ever told someone, besides family, that you love them and meant it? Every dog that I’ve ever met.

16. Are the blankets that are on your bed now made by someone you know in life? No, I do not know Mr Ikea

17. Would you ever have a child just to get someone to fall in love with you? That is a horrible reason to have a child. So manipulative and super hurtful to everyone involved. Don’t ever do this.

18. Have you ever personally witnessed a drug deal before? Yeah.

19. Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? Yeah, I got a ticket a few years ago.

20. What time is it where you are currently? 9:04pm 21. Have you got any half or step siblings? No

22. When was the last time you had wet hair? When I had a shower a couple of hours ago

23. Do you like kids’ movies? Sometimes

24. When was the last time you were sick and what illness did you have? I got a mild cold when I got back from central america. Long haul flights are the worst for cold and flu

25. When did you last wash your hair? A couple of hours ago

26. Have you ever been kicked out of somewhere? Yeah, one time my friends and I got kicked out of a clothing store for mocking their stock and taking selfies wearing all their hats.

27. Who did you last speak aloud to and what did you say? I think it was when I spoke to my neighbour like 2 days ago about our electricity bill. I don’t go out much...

28. Do you have any homework to do? No. I don’t go to school and currently am not taking classes for anything. I think I last had homework in March.

29. What were you last at the doctor for? I needed a vaccination for Yellow Fever and some prescriptions for travel medication.

30. Have you seen all the Lord of the Rings movies? Back in the day

31. What is the strangest food combination that you enjoyed as a young child? I don’t think I necessarily enjoyed the combination but I loved the individual components so much that I kept eating them together anyway. As a kid I ate spicy salami with nutella.

32. Have you ever had to call the cops on someone else before? Yeah that one time my neighbours at the time were fighting and it sounded like she was about to straight up murder him. 

33. What kind of phone do you have? Samsung S6

34. Name a site that you visit everyday. Until I read the previous person’s answer on this I didn’t realise you meant website. I was thinking of like work, the shops or whatever. 

35. List all the things you had to eat/drink today: Spicy noodles, some cheesy breadsticks, a banana, milk and some coke.

36. Best one: Alcohol overdose or jumping out of plane with no parachute? Bro, wtf? Probs drinking because it’d be fun up until I get sick.

37. Are you a fast walker, or do you take your time? In my city I walk fast and the slow tourists frustrate me.

38. Ever felt utterly ashamed of something or someone? Not really but there’s certainly a few cringey drunken memories in there. 

39. Do you find it difficult to sleep on your stomach? Yeah bc I got big tiddies

40. Have you ever drunk/eaten a substance in the science lab? Lmao yes this one time in year 12 chemistry we were trying to make icecream using dry ice but my group mixed ours too much and it pretty much came out like sweet butter so one of the girls got some crackers out of her locker and we ate them with the butter stuff. Also in that same semester we made wine and then sat around in the classroom drinking it with our teacher at 10am even though all the students were still 17.

41. Do you believe in the army, it’s disgraceful to improperly salute? I read the first half of that and was like, “Umm yes the army actually exists, it’s not some fucking cryptid.”

42. Would you rather play an instrument or be the singer? Instrument - drums.

43. You must change your name to either Ethel or Gertrude - which do you pick? Ethel 44. Form a sentence in which each word begins with the letter “H.” Harry hopped happily hacia (spanish meaning towards) his house. That’s a little bilingual one for you. 45. Would you be comfortable at a nude beach? Probably not. 46. Do you own anything that is glow in the dark? No.

47. In front of you is a chocolate brownie and a slice of apple pie - pick one. Brownie please  48. What is your least favorite breed of dog? No, they’re all good. 49. Would you rather battle a shark or a lion…why? I’d fight a shark on land. 50. How important is money to you? I like money a lot. Mostly I like it because travel is expensive 51. Find the item closest to you; what do you use it for? That would be my phone, a notebook and pen, and a can of beer. All fairly self explanatory.  52. Have you ever been told that you talk too fast? In english, yes. Spanish, definitely no. 53. Are there any stores near you that are open 24 hours? I honestly have no idea. 54. Do you know any songs by Fall Out Boy? Yes, and that reminds me that they have a new album out that I should buy. Also Foo Fighters and I think Maroon 5 (or maybe it’s out soon) 55. Have you ever given your phone number to somebody you met online? Yes, I have given my number to a couple of people from tinder because it’s much easier to chat on whatsapp. 56. Have you ever had a crush on somebody who was 10+ years older than you? I guess so, yeah. 57. In your opinion, are leggings appropriate to wear as pants? Maybe not in an office/formal environment, but casually, you do you man idgaf 58. On average, how much does gas cost where you live? No idea, I’ve never driven here so I’ve never felt the need to check prices. 59. Do you know anybody who can play an instrument? Yes 60. What store did you buy the shirt you wore today at? I bought it at cotton on in Toowoomba way back when I was still at uni. It’s my pyjama shirt these days. 61. Do you prefer minty or fruity flavored gum? I don’t like gum, but I do like to have breath mints around. 62. When I say the word “Luxury” what comes to mind? idk why exactly but I pictured a purple leather sofa with gold along the backrest. 

Like this ^^ design but purple leather instead of the beige and gold instead of the white. In a dimly lit room. Probably with a fireplace roaring nearby.

63. How old were you the year your favorite movie came out? idk if it’s still my favourite but I was 16 when it was released.

64. Whose birthday is coming up soon? @aturinfortheworse in a bit over a month. Oh wait, my dad’s is before that.

65. What’s your favorite place to get sushi? Not in most countries bc it’s super expensive. But Japan or Aus are good.

66. What’s your favorite Paul Rudd movie? Probably Antman

67. Do you know anyone who lives in Hawaii? No.

68. What’s your favorite way to eat a potato, ex.: chips, fries, baked, etc.? Raw like an apple. Straight from the ground, don’t even wash the dirt off.

69. What’s the closest thing to you with someone’s handwriting on it? The notebook sitting on the end of the couch. I’ve been writing down the companies I’ve been sending my CV to.

70. What’s the most important key on your key ring? There are 3 keys to get into my apartment and those are the only keys I have.

71. Do you have Spotify and if so, what’s the last song you listened to on it? I do not.

72. How spicy do you like your food? Very. Just fuck me up fam.

73. When was the last time you walked through your front door? A couple of days ago when I went to the corner store to buy beer.

74. What would you do if you accidentally got pregnant? I’d panic first, and then abort.

75. Bats: cute or gross? So goddamn cute.

76. Are you going to or did you see the new Star Wars? Yeah I’ll probably go see when it comes out.

77. What’s your favorite Netflix show? My fave netflix original is probably Club De Cuervos 78. What is the last thing you said to the person you like? "If I had more money I’d definitely be travelling right now” 79. What was the last thing to annoy you, even the slightest bit? When you apply for a job online and you attach your resume but then they still make you fill out that whole questionaire thing that takes like 30 fucking minutes and it’s literally all information that is written in your resume. 80.  Would you rather go back a week or go forward? Neither of them are going to make a difference. 81. Could you go out in public looking like you do now? No thanks 82. Who did you like on New Years? I was very attracted to the guy I was seeing at the time but I didn’t actually like him as such. I did have a bit of a crush on my spanish teacher though 83. What did you have for breakfast? I did not. 84. Have you had sex in 2017 yet? Yeah it’s been a pretty fun year tbh 85. What kind of booze did you last take shots of? Last time I had a shot would have been in Panama when I was quite hungover so the panama guy took me to a bar and gave me a beer and a shot of white rum. The rum did not go down well but the beer was nice. 86. What are you wearing currently? Pyjamas and socks 87. What colour hair do you find sexiest on the opposite gender? Dark brown or black usually 88. Have you slept over at a member of the opposite sex’s house in their bed? Yes. (this section must have also been written by a teenager) 89. Who last slept in your bed besides you? Guy that visited a few weeks ago 90. What time did you wake up today? Around midday 91. If the last person you had sex with asked you to date them, would you? Bit difficult since we live on different continents. If we lived in the same place, then yeah I’d probably give it a go 92. How long until your birthday? 7 months 93. When you lost your virginity, were you sober? I was not anywhere close to sober 94. Has anyone of the opposite sex ever told you that you were sexy? Yeah. 95. When did you last consume something that had peanut butter? I have absolutely no idea.

[clumsycalumblr-blog]

Would Never Call It Love | Finale

After many many many weeks of me being gone, I’ve finally gotten the courage to write the finale of a story that I’ve had so much fun writing, and have had so much fun seeing you guys reactions to it. This story is now my most popular with the most notes I’ve ever gotten on a post, and I can’t thank you guys enough for always pushing me to be a better writer. Sad to end this one, but I have ideas in store for a new story, can’t wait to share it with you guys hopefully soon :-). Enjoy.

(not my photo)

Previous parts: 1 2 3 4 5 6 

This day had to come. This day was bound to creep on us sooner. This day may not seem huge to some people, but it’s huge to me. 

The last show of their first leg of the tour. Also known as, the day I’ve decided to go back home to my lonely, small, quiet home...all by myself.

When did I decide this? Probably about 5 hours ago at 7 am when I impulsively bought a plane ticket, while at breakfast with Luke, Ashton, and Arzaylea. While the couple talked throughout breakfast, Ashton kept nudging me and bugging me about what had me so fixated on my small screen, but he leaned over a little far at one point and gave an annoyed sigh before throwing his share for his own food and walked out of the eatery. Luke and Arzaylea still haven’t figured it out.

Now here I am, packing my things, the memories of the last couple of weeks with the boys coming down on me. I picked up a black and white stripped shirt that I wore the day of their 3rd concert, the one where Michael spilled a little too much water on me backstage after the show, and my bra peeked through; of course he didn’t seem to mind though. I then started placing the different colored bracelets Ashton gave me within the second week of tour inside a little pouch in my suitcase. They made me smile because they matched his, so I’d always have a little part of him.

Then it got to my lingerie and undergarments, many of which I wore when Calum was over. I held back tears, my throat becoming itchy, as I packed them deeply away underneath anything else I could. 

I heard a knock at my door, and saw Ash standing there, leaning against the door still looking displeased.

“You know they’re asking about what happened at breakfast right?” 

I only rolled my eyes. “Why am I not surprised.”

“I’m not telling them, you are.” He strode toward my suitcase and began taking out the nicely folded clothes and even took things out of the pouches. The room went silent when he saw the colorful bracelets, and even the same bra from that night when everything took a turn for the worst. He bent down and studied them both, the memories hitting him hard as well.

“After all these weeks, you still have these bracelets?” He questioned quietly. I only gave him a nod. “And this...I remember this little number...everything felt so right that night.” He smiled sadly at the moment that practically changed everything; the friendship, the relationship, his ability to forgive himself for one mistake.

“Well, at least for one person it did.” He threw it back down next to the bracelets and began striding out of the room. I took two big steps before pulling him by the cuff of his sleeve, stopping him.

“Don’t do that to me. You don’t get to be mad at me for the decision I’m making. So what if I’m leaving? So what if I don’t want to be here anymore? It is not my fault that because of my stupid mistakes I don’t want to be in a place where I am not welcome anymore Ashton. Sorry that you don’t have a choice. You’re a part of this band, these are your best friends and even though you’re having a fight with one of them doesn’t mean you can take it out on me because you can’t run away from it like I’m doing.”

“You’re being selfish. You’re thinking of only yourself. Which is exactly what Calum said the other night when you tried talking to him right?” Slap. Instantly my hand landed on his right cheek, making it head and hair whip to the side and cover his face. My breathing was heavier and louder, the feeling of my cheeks getting red growing. He turned his head back slowly, his eyes like dagger stabbing into my skin. I could just the anger dripping off of him.

“Y/N look...” he tried to sound sympathetic, but I only held up my finger and pointed it at the door.

“Just get out.” He knew he was defeated, and that he hit a spot in me that stung. Before I shut the door on him, he turned back slightly and whispered, “Just call me when you get there, please. I need to know that you’ll be safe.” I hummed in response, and shut the door, leaning my back against it. 

Hiding my suitcase backstage behind a bunch of curtains was surprisingly easy. It was easy access, and since I would be leaving 15 minutes before the end of the guys show, nobody would really know that I had left. The only person I’d truly have to say goodbye to is Ashton since he was the only one that knew, or so I thought.

Arzaylea caught me at the snack table and tugged on my jacket, getting as far away from the boys as possible. I gave her a confused look, waiting for her to tell me what was going on since she looked so worried.

“Arz, w-what’s going on-”

“I bugged Ashton for hours about what went wrong this morning, and he finally told me.” She crossed her arms staring me down, while I was looked down messing with my fingers.

“Look, please don’t be upset with me-”

“Oh, you think I’m just upset. That’s rich. I’m more than upset with you Y/N. You’ve become like a sister to me, I thought you were stronger and had more integrity than you’re showing right now. You’re letting a stupid boy get in the way of you living your best life. You think you’ve fucked up? You think I haven’t fucked up either! This-this is all just so disappointing.”

“You have to understand that I’m miserable here now. There’s never a day that goes by anymore that I don’t blame myself for how things have laid out the past couple of weeks. I’ve only made things worst since being here, when I wasn’t even suppose to be in the first place!” I felt the water prickle in my eyes, but clenched my fists to help make it go away.

“If you’re mad because you feel like once I’m gone you feel like we’ll never see or talk to me again, then I can make a promise that that won’t happen.” She only scuffed, but in an amusing way.

“That’s partly why.” She pushed my shoulder playfully as we both smiled at each other.

“I’ll still text you, facetime you and call you. Just because Calum and I can’t get along great doesn’t mean I have to give up some of the best people in my life. I just have to...give him some space. It’s for the best.” I peeked over her shoulder slightly to see Calum biting into a green apple, water bottle in his other hand. I couldn’t help but shutter at the veins popping out of his neck and how defined his jawline got when it jutted out to eat the piece of the apple. It’s the simple things Calum did that got under my skin.

Arzaylea pulled me into a tight hug then pulled back to smile at me, and proceeded to do what most girls do with their best friends, take a snapchat. She pulled up a funny filter to get me to calm down and smile, but after the picture was taken, something slimy and runny was piled on top of my head.

Arzaylea and I jumped back from each other as some of it did get on her too, then we turned around to find Nia with a smirk holding the big plate that was dead center of the snack table that was labeled “Spaghetti.” The crew and everyone stopped doing whatever they were doing, and watched to find out what was going to happen next.

“Nia what the fuck!” Arz yelled, wiping off the bits of tomato sauce that was now on her clothes and hair.

“She deserved it.” She came up close to my face, trying to intimidate me however I held my ground and stared her right back down.

“That’s for making Calum break up with me.” She chuckled. “You think he’d really eventually end up falling for you? Oh girl, you’ve got it so wrong. He told me all the awful things you’ve done to him, but don’t worry, I fucked all the bad feelings out of him.” Before I could hear another word, I pushed past her walking fast toward the curtain where my suitcase was located. Sure, I’d have to wait in the airport for almost 2 hours, but I couldn’t stand to be in anybody’s presence anymore. I felt an arm tug me around, and the same husky voice from before rang through my ears.

“Y/N what are you doing, you can’t leave now!” He yelled in my face.

“Ashton! Stop trying to make my decisions for me. You may love me but you don’t know what’s best for me.” His grip instantly loosened and I took the chance to take my arm from his hand. “Now let me go.” And grab my suitcase hoisting it up from the ground and running toward the back exit.

I didn’t see it, but I left Calum standing there with his food now sprawled across the floor at his feet, a dumbfounded look on his face, and for the first time in a while, an aching heart. 

Calum’s POV

The last show of this first leg of the tour was thrilling and exciting, but once my body left that crowd of energy and happiness, reality snapped back into me, and all my confusion and frustration came out of me when I chucked my water bottle at the nearest wall, and it exploded everywhere. Michael’s soft voice could be heard right behind me, telling me to calm down and to not take my anger out so aggressively like that because who knows, I could’ve hit a person instead. 

“Look, I know MIkey, I’m sorry...I just-I’m so confused right now.” We both plopped down on the couch in our dressing room, my hands coming up to my face.

“What did Ashton mean by ‘you can’t leave now’ when he was talking to Y/N? And what was in her hands when she was running away...”

“She left.”

My hands came down from my face, hoping and praying I’d see a laughing MIchael after that statement. It just couldn’t be true. But after a few seconds had passed, he continued to nod his head, as if he was still trying to make the situation seem real.

“She left Cal. She went back home tonight. Ashton told me before we went on stage tonight. He couldn’t tell you because he knew it would only distract you more. He just doesn’t want to keep making you mad mate, he cares for you so much even after everything.” His hand came up to my shoulder giving it a friendly squeeze. My chest sank lower in my chest trying to piece together just how bad everything had gotten, my life outside of the lights and music, was falling into shambles.

“I need to go make up with him first.” Michael smiled and agreed, both of us quickly grabbing our stuff before heading out. He informed me that Ashton had drove straight to the hotel we were staying at right after the show ended, and that Luke and Arzaylea were spending some time together tonight out and about. We headed straight after to him to patch things up. Even though that was the first thing on my mind, I was secretly hoping Y/N just might be there.

We raced up to the elevator and impatiently waiting until it reached our floor, only to find Ashton just closing his door as if he was leaving. I ran up to him and tackled him in a big hug, his weight leaning against mine to stop us from falling. I was holding him so tight the indents in my arms were showing through, and my hand veins were popping out. 

“Ash, ash I’m so sorry for everything dude. You come before anyone else and I shouldn’t have blamed you for everything happening.” We pulled away and he smiled so big his famous dimples showed, and the crinkles near my eyes accompanied my own smile.

“Cashton, always man.” And we did one of those bro handshakes, Michael leaning against the hallway wall watching this beautiful moment unfold. My eyes slowly drooped after things quieted down. Ashton could read my mind, and his arms reached out to gently rub my shoulders.

“So, she’s really gone?”

“I just got off the phone with her. I raced back here to see if she’d still be here but, no luck.” I shook my head in disbelief, disappointed in myself for being as stubborn as I was and almost losing my best friend, along with the girl of my dreams. “Her plane should be taking off soon, I’d say text her Cal. She needs to hear from you that you at least don’t hate her.”

“But that’s the point. I don’t hate her at all, I feel so strongly for her, more than I ever thought I could for someone...” Michael came behind me and leaned his head on me sighing. The weight of her gone now upon all of us. The atmosphere seemed different, the vibe between all of us was still off, as if the Earth was off its axis and everything seemed...wrong. 

“Why don’t we get some rest now guys, we’ve worked hard these past couple of weeks. Let’s enjoy these next few days before our next leg? Am I right?” We all agreed and they decided to walk with me to my room and stay the night, just so we knew that we were all there for each other if one of us needed something throughout the night.

As we entered the room, I walked in first to see a familiar jet black sleek suitcase sitting next to the door. My eyes widened and I looked up to see Ashton holding back a small grin, jutting out his chin, telling me to go see what I was already thinking. My legs quickly carried me past the small curve of the room into the bedroom, seeing a small Y/N sitting crossed legged on my bed in the first t-shirt I ever gave her to keep when I wasn’t around her, my Maine t-shirt.

She stood up upon hearing my loud strides and the shirt fell to just above her privates, her hair disheveled and her makeup slightly streaky, like she had been crying.

“Calum...” her voice croaked. I looked back at the boys, watching them in awe as Michael’s face lit up at the sight of her, Ashton looking proud. And they both walked slowly out of the room, leaving us alone.

“They told me you left...” I said in disbelief.

“I couldn’t...I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t get on that plane and fly away from you, not without fixing things first.” She walked closer to me timidly. I had to bring her closer, so I pulled her in by her waist, wrapping my large hand around the back of her head and placing it underneath my chin, my other hand tightly wrapped around her waist. My breathing became heavy, my heart beat racing, my head filling up with euphoric memories.

“You’re-you’re heart is beating so fast Cal...”

“It’s because it’s happy to be close to you again.” She pulled away to look up at me, her eyes glossy once again, a happy yet sad look in her eyes, as if she didn’t know how to feel in his moment.

“Y/N I am so sorry for never letting you have a chance at explaining things to me, or never giving you a chance to speak and finish your sentences. And I’m sorry that it took me so long to realize it and that it took you almost leaving for me to realize that I never stopped feeling for you. But I promise if you stay, right here, with me, you won’t ever have to go through something like this again. We could have the love we’ve always wanted.” I pleaded. Without hesitation she reached up and brought my face to meet hers, her lips lightly pressing the softest kiss we’d ever shared. I couldn’t help but deepen it, feeling her smaller frame pushed up against mine again. We rested our foreheads against one another as she brought her hands to rest on my chest, lightly rubbing her thumbs over the material.

“I wouldn’t have ever called this love before.” Gesturing to the past complicated relationship we had.

“What about right now?”

“It’s the only word I can use to describe it.”

YAY IT’S FINISHED. I was going to add smut but this alone took me 3 hours so I’m extremely tired you guys ;( request smut though if you want it! Again, thank you so much on the love for this story! I put up a ‘would you rather’ post so if you could, please look at it and tell me which story you’d like to write next. Btw GGMOW will be up soon as well!

[sdmn-edits]

1-200

200: My crush’s name is: I don’t actually have a crush anymore😂😂199: I was born in: June198: I am really: weird197: My cellphone company is: Vodafone - it works where i go on holiday so it does me just fine 😂196: My eye color is: it changes - like sometimes its blue, green, grey and a mixture of blue and green - it’s weird .195: My shoe size is: 3 or 4 (5 at a push)194: My ring size is: I’ve never actually had it measured so idk 😂😂193: My height is: 5ft 5 - I’m growing lads!!!192: I am allergic to: waterproof plasters, bee/wasp stings (only mildly though - like i won’t die but just turn into a massive red ball), some soaps, most makeups, chalk and face paint.191: My 1st car was: I can’t even drive yet 😂😂190: My 1st job was: I don’t know if you would class this as a job but for my work experience, I worked at a cafe for two weeks. 189: Last book you read: Jane Eyre (one of my faves)188: My bed is: single - like me😉😂187: My pet: (s) two cats, (which my mum named) one called Mike and the other called Matt. I also have a pony called William (Billy for short)186: My best friend: @paigexxixo @sdmn-md @minibaeminter @wroetoredman @line-sidemen @mintersmini @wroetojill and a girl from irl called Catherine - i couldn’t choose one so have a few of my faves185: My favorite shampoo is: John Frieda Frizz Ease184: Xbox or ps3: PS3 cos I haven’t played XBox183: Piggy banks are: expensive bacon182: In my pockets: by Morrie (who kinda sounds like Marzia which is kinda scary?)181: On my calendar: is my exams😂180: Marriage is: okay? I haven’t had my wedding yet so I don’t know?179: Spongebob can: dance the best.178: My mom: likes to name animals weird names. 😂177: The last three songs I bought were? A candle, some chocolates and a shock absorber.176: Last YouTube video watched: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSAeOhCrv_s175: How many cousins do you have? About 14 give or take 😂 174: Do you have any siblings? One - my sister (she’s 17 - 2 years older than me)173: Are your parents divorced? Nope.172: Are you taller than your mom? I’m the same height maybe a lil smaller 😂 171: Do you play an instrument? Not currently, no. But I can play the drums, recorder and piano/keyboard (not perfectly but alright)170: What did you do yesterday? I played in two tournaments and had a back massage.[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: Idk 😂😂 168: Luck: Yeah I guess.167: Fate: Yeah. 166: Yourself: Mm not all the time 😂😂 165: Aliens: Yeah.164: Heaven: Yeah.163: Hell: Yeah.162: God: Yeah definitely.161: Horoscopes: Some.160: Soul mates: I guess? 😂 159: Ghosts: Yeah.158: Gay Marriage: YES! UNFOLLOW ME AS I DO NOT CARE, I BELIEVE IN EVERYONE HAS RIGHTS TO MARRY WHO THEY WANT, WHEN THEY WANT FIGHT ME IF YOU WANT!!157: War: Definitely not! 156: Orbs: Yeah I guess?155: Magic: Some 😂 [ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: Hugs153: Drunk or High: Neither - I don’t do either of them.152: Phone or Online: Depends.151: Red heads or Black haired: Both are equally as cute150: Blondes or Brunettes: Both are equally as cute149: Hot or cold: Warm.148: Summer or winter: Winter147: Autumn or Spring: AUTUMN! IT’S THE BEST SEASON EVER!!!!!!!146: Chocolate or vanilla: Both together cos I’m a weirdo like that 😂😂 145: Night or Day: Night - I love looking at the stars tho I do like to cloud watch from time to time144: Oranges or Apples: Apples.143: Curly or Straight hair: Straight142: McDonalds or Burger King: Maccy D’s all the way😂😂 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Not really a fan of chocolate if I’m honest 😂😂 140: Mac or PC: PC for generic stuff, Mac for editing139: Flip flops or high heals: Neither.138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Ugly and rich so I can give money to charity etc137: Coke or Pepsi: Neither136: Hillary or Obama: Obama135: Burried or cremated: Either, I don’t care I’ll be dead 😂134: Singing or Dancing: Neither 😂😂133: Coach or Chanel: ??132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: ??131: Small town or Big city: Both130: Wal-Mart or Target: Neither 😂😂129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Both are hilarious 😂128: Manicure or Pedicure: Neither 😂127: East Coast or West Coast: ??126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Both?125: Chocolate or Flowers: FLOWERS!!124: Disney or Six Flags: DISNEY!!123: Yankees or Red Sox: ??[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: shouldn’t be a thing.121: George Bush: needs to grow up.120: Gay Marriage: I FULLY SUPPORT IT - UNFOLLOW ME IF YOU WANT!119: The presidential election: irdk? I don’t watch it.118: Abortion: it’s people’s choice117: MySpace: ??116: Reality TV: don’t watch it115: Parents: some do a lot more than others to provide for the kiddas114: Back stabbers: fuck you, ain’t nobody stabbing me in the back113: Ebay: it’s cool, you literally can get anything and everything off of it112: Facebook: it’s okay?111: Work: as in job? do what you wanna do, not what your mum or dad says.110: My Neighbors: very funny. 109: Gas Prices: you make my grades jealous - going up.108: Designer Clothes: i don’t really where designer 😂😂107: College: i like the look of the one I’m intending to go106: Sports: I LOVE THEM (except netball, benchball and basketball - please don’t hate me, i’m just short and i struggle 😂😂)105: My family: they are okay, just fam really.104: The future:i don’t tend to think much of it, i just let it happen 😂😂[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: like 10 mins ago102: Last time you ate: like an hour ago101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: A guy called Daniel (I didn’t see him until last week but I didn’t see him since November)100: Cried in front of someone: Idk 😂 99: Went to a movie theater: Last year - to watch Finding Dory98: Took a vacation: idk 😂 97: Swam in a pool: last year 😂 96: Changed a diaper: never 😂 95: Got my nails done: last august for a wedding - never again94: Went to a wedding: the same wedding 93: Broke a bone: two years ago 92: Got a peircing: two years ago91: Broke the law: never 😂 90: Texted: half an hour ago[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: lots of people 😂😂 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my bed 😂 87: The last movie I saw: Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2 - Ik i’m a kid at heart, don’t judge 😂 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: leaving school85: The thing im not looking forward to: my exams and tomorrow84: People call me: lodes of shit, I ain’t gonna name ‘em all but some people know what they say.83: The most difficult thing to do is: waking up in a morning82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope81: My zodiac sign is: Cancer80: The first person i talked to today was: Mike - the cat but if we talking about people - my dad 😂😂 79: First time you had a crush: 3 years ago78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: nobody, i’m very open 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: idk 😂😂 76: Right now I am talking to: @paigexxixo  about bridge to terabithia 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully a graphics designer74: I have/will get a job: hopefully soon73: Tomorrow: school72: Today: sleep71: Next Summer: be fit70: Next Weekend: hopefully ask one of my friends from tennis their details69: I have these pets: cats and pony68: The worst sound in the world: nails dragging on chalk board, people smacking lips, people clicking pens, people shouting, people crying, people laughing, gun shots, explosions etc67: The person that makes me cry the most is: nobody 😂😂 66: People that make you happy: I could list forever65: Last time I cried: earlier - i was watching a vid of these boys crying and it just gets to me64: My friends are: lodes of people - most i have listed before63: My computer is: an acer62: My School: ??61: My Car: Audi A3 2010 model 1.6l?60: I lose all respect for people who: are homophobic, transphobic etc, people who hurt animals and people etc59: The movie I cried at was: ?? 58: Your hair color is: blonde57: TV shows you watch: that 70′s show, merlin, sherlock, heartland, doctor who, phineas and ferb, spongebob, tom and jerry, loony tunes56: Favorite web site: idk 😂😂 55: Your dream vacation: Guernsey, Jersey, Rome or Geneva54: The worst pain I was ever in was: when i either broke my arm,  or when i fell off a horse and dislocated my knee and cracked two of my ribs or when i fell off a different horse and almost broke my back53: How do you like your steak cooked: i don’t eat meat or fish 😂😂 52: My room is: 8 year old me’s bad desicion51: My favorite celebrity is: Johnny Depp50: Where would you like to be: some place else49: Do you want children: not particularly48: Ever been in love: nope47: Who’s your best friend: lodes of people46: More guy friends or girl friends: guy friends45: One thing that makes you feel great is: people44: One person that you wish you could see right now: @paigexxixo or @sdmn-md43: Do you have a 5 year plan: nope 😂 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: nope 😂 41: Have you pre-named your children: nope😂 40: Last person I got mad at: *people: Looserpool 39: I would like to move to: either Guernsey, Jersey or Geneva38: I wish I was a professional: tennis player or sleeper 😂 [ My Favorites ]37: Candy: Caramac36: Vehicle: Car (Tesla Model S P100D)35: President: Obama34: State visited: none - I’ve never left England33: Cellphone provider: Vodafone32: Athlete: Jessica Ennis-Hill31: Actor: Johnny Depp/Leo DiCaprio/Patrick Stewart30: Actress: Emma Stone29: Singer: ??28: Band: ??27: Clothing store: ??26: Grocery store: ??25: TV show: I have lodes24: Movie: I have lodes23: Website: I have lodes22: Animal: I love them all21: Theme park: I’ve only ever been to Flamingo Land20: Holiday: Yorkshire Dales or Whitby19: Sport to watch: Football (Soccer)18: Sport to play: Tennis17: Magazine: ??16: Book: Either Jane Eyre or I Capture The Castle15: Day of the week: Saturday14: Beach: idk 😂😂 13: Concert attended: I’ve never been to one 😂 12: Thing to cook: I like to cook all sorts 😂 11: Food: I like all sorts 😂 10: Restaurant: ??9: Radio station: ??8: Yankee candle scent: idk 😂 7: Perfume: idk 😂 6: Flower: Rose, Lily or blossom5: Color: Red or black4: Talk show host: ??3: Comedian: Michael McIntyre, Jack Whitehall, Peter Kay or Russell Howard2: Dog breed: Border Collie1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Yes!!!!

[lumos-star684]

All of them. Just to be a pain

Can’t believe I’m about to answer these but its either this or a marketing assignment so here goes…

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

more cereal

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

Yes! 

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

blank revision cards and raffle tickets

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

white with sugar

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

yes

6: do you keep plants?

non but i would like to (in fact, I’m going to buy one next week)

7: do you name your plants?

nope

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

none im not very creative :(

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

yep

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

side or stomach usually

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

hmmm can’t think of this (wait you should know this any idea?)

12: what’s your favorite planet?

Pluto

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

my little niece started talking to me about flying pigs

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

like the friends apartment with loads of little quirky shit

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

Venus is the only planet that spins backwards relative to the other planets.

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

good ole simple pasta with tomato sauce and cheese

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

dark purple 

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

i have no stories omg 

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

non

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

don’t have one in particular, depends on the person really 

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

there was my little karrimor rucksack that i had all throughout (most of ) secondary school and it broke on the day before the last day of Year 11 but still holds a special place in my heart

22: are you a morning person?

nooooooooo (unless its morning where you’ve been up all night)

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

make tea and watch tv

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

nope (i don’t have a lot of secrets though??)

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

a hotel kitchen (by accident i should add)

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

at the moment, my black boots

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

mint?? idek

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

there’s this one little shit that always sends me asks on tumblr

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

yes

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about sock

socks, my friend, are a fucking brilliant invention. i have a bit of love-hate relationship with socks because i feel like they confine your feet (i mean why would you want to lock your feet into little pockets of cloth?) but on the other hand THEY’RE SO CUTE. little socks with funky patterns and little animals and the super soft house socks as well. having said that, all my socks are black with either pink purple or blue on the foot and heel parts. SO, my favourite thing to do is always wear mismatched socks - but nobody can tell because the main part of the sock is black. It’s like a little secret I can wear all day knowing that my socks are not the same even though it looks like they are.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

we’d just left a club in prague and headed over to burger king. we sat down and then out of nowhere in the middle of prague this group of gujarati kids came and sat down next to us. I had a conversation with them and forgot that the other girls hadn’t the foggiest idea what the fuck we were talking about. we were leaving and then one of them asked me to marry him……

33: what’s your fave pastry?

er…something with chocolate? or apples

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

there was this little black dog that used to be my sister’s, i can’t remember what i used to call him but I’ve still got him somewhere

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

I absolutely love them but can never bring myself to use them (I eventually did and my Latin notes are so fucking pretty)

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

Bahamas

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

messy but organised messy

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

when people walk slowly in the middle of the street and when people think they’re better than you

39: what color do you wear the most?

black

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

i have a little harry potter necklace i got for my 16th which i wear almost every day

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

me before you

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

don’t like coffee shops much

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

nobody

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

last sunday

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

no lol they’re shit

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

all puns are good puns

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

ermm dunnoo

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

can’t remember exactly what my biggest fear was, but it’s not the same as today (although probably quite similar)

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

nope don’t own any

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

empty glue sticks

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

you - la vie en rose

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

LOOL some of the trump and theresa may ones have been pretty good

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

no but they’re all on my list to watch

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

probably a stranger on the train

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

moved out 

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

people tagging in posts and memes

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

currently ill in bed so i didn’t even move -_-

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

keef is the wine mom and i reckon you will be the vodka aunt :)

59: what’s your favorite myth?

there was this one where zeus was cheating on hera and when he got caught he turned the woman into a cow

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

yes! usually just snippets i read on the internet though

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

given is what we gave keef and received…i don’t think ive ever received a stupid gift?

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

sometimes yes, either the innocent strawberry and banana smoothie or the orange and passionfruit tropicana

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

music yes, it all has to be in particular playlists and books no, they’re just stacked randomly

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

bright blueee

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

you :( and a couple of people from school actually

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

tiny little black red and purple flowers

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

a bit eh actually, but also nice if i’m inside and in bed

68: what’s winter like where you live?

not great, just a bit grim and rainy and no snow

69: what are your favorite board games?

monopolyyyy

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

nope

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

breakfast tea

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

1000000% yes

73: what are some of your worst habits?

picking at the skin around my fingers and overthinking (the standard tbh)

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

newcastle born and bred sarcastic little shit who can be a bit annoying but also has a heart of gold

75: tell us about your pets!

MY LITTLE BABYYYYY Goghi is my cat - black with little white paws, a white stripe down her front and a white moustache. Softest fucking fur EVER. She has one funny eye, hates people and sleeps all day. I also have about twenty fish in the pond and two little ones in a tank inside. Varying sizes and no names

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

a marketing assignment, the laundry and cleaning my room 

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

noooo idea..

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

fanclub. they’re one in a minion those things

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

little things like when people come and see me i cant think of a particular example

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

beige and nope we just painted the whole house that colour

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

*can’t remember what anyone’s eyes look like*

82: are/were you good in school?

yeah i was a pretty good student

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

the airborne toxic event and green day’s american idiot

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

yesss but not sure yet!

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

nope

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

i have never heard of concept albums (upon googling it appears i do like some of them, yes)

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

3 idiots, dead poets society and kuch kuch hota hai amongst others

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

non

89: are you close to your parents?

eh

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

Londonnn - its just….everything (but also expensive)

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina  and hopefully a couple of other city breaks

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

drowns

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

hair down if its straight or pony tail if its curly

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

my little cousin’s birthday was yesterday

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

stay in be all weekend drink tea and eat soup

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

procrastinate, all the time

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

INTJ/INTP, gemini and ravenclaw

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

ncs? loved it but also hated it because i don’t like climbing

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

Current favourites: Sometime Around Midnight, Vampire Smile and Wasn’t Expecting That

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

Future - five years ago i was there and twas a bit shite

oh my god you don’t know how long those took me YOU BETTER READ THEM ALL @findinganiqa XXX