#It supposed I had to sleep right now...
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Hello!! it's meeeee
I always wanted to do a Swap clothes for them, that was so funny to draw (also working on an alternative artstyle)
Hope you like it!!
Maybe you want to read the descriptions
#xcarlet#art#showtime#tadc#colleagues au#ibispaintdrawing#caine#pomni x caine#pomni#Swap clothes#showtime ship#caine x pomni#comic#It supposed I had to sleep right now...
310 notes
·
View notes
Text
Gay little hedgehog and chamelon
#espilver#espilver week 2023#silver the hedgehog#espio the chameleon#sth comic#sth#sth fanart#my art#mstormcloud#this was supposed to be for day 3#cuz they’re sleeping outside so like that counts as camping right#but well whoops it took too long so here it is now#I wrote this as if it’s taking place during rivals 2 so that’s why Silver is a scruffy little scrunckled creature#he has never had a proper bath or brushing in his life#if you give a mouse a pencil
665 notes
·
View notes
Text
(Based off of the reality of having a metal ring in your back as a constant reminder of your fate and how that affects you as a person set in the Switzerland arc)
“Does it hurt?”
Ava’s pressed face down into the pillow sleep curling around her limbs. She hums, she can’t remember what she says, she’s exhausted. Her arms are tangled beneath her pillow. She holds her fingers tightly between each other, her bones ache from the pressure but her hands no longer shake. Ava hasn’t experienced this before, a fear that haunts her at night. (She finds she cannot stop dreaming about dying. It’s stifling in the cover of night trying to figure out where she is.)
She slowly opens her eyes and squints in the darkness. Beatrice is facing her a furrow in her brow that Ava knows she’s doing unconsciously. Ava’s lip quirks a smidgen, Beatrice looks funny. It’s a bit silly to her, Beatrice no doubt working out a solution to an unknown problem that Ava has yet to see in the middle of the night. In her sleepy state she wants to laugh at the imaginary cogs churning in Beatrice’s head.
Beatrice scooches closer and Ava panics, her skin can taste the dust of Bea’s forearm. She hoists herself up on her elbows, turning to face Beatrice. “Wha?” Ava’s shaking off bits of sleep from her mouth when Beatrice repeats herself.
“Does the Halo hurt?”
She doesn’t know if she wants to answer that. Ava peers over Beatrice squinting at the harsh light of the digital clock on Beatrice’s side. Ava loves it, it reminds her of the early 2000’s and the aesthetic of waking up to an alarm to go somewhere. The clock blinks an innocent 1:43 Am, and Ava debates on letting her head thump back down.
She turns her body on her side, she can feel the halo shifting in her back and it makes her want to throw up. The sides of the halo press against her shoulder blades and Ava resists the urge to yank it out. She grits her teeth and settles ignoring the skin of her back pulling tight to accommodate for the ring. Beatrice is still expecting an answer and Ava can’t lie to her, she pulls the covers of the sheet up to her chest hoping to bide more time for an answer.
"Everything hurts Bea," Ava smiles, "getting my ass handed to me is hard work."
Beatrice frowns displeased but looks at her through her lashes, it's unguarded, the stress and worries of the world stay out of their room in the dead of night. Her lashes are so pretty and Ava wants to curse the soft glow of the moon. There’s just enough moonlight to illuminate her eyes but overshadow her freckles. Ava swallows down the taste of defeat, she can’t win, she thinks.
Her gaze is soft, Beatrice is looking at her and it’s different yet the same. The same feeling in her chest constricting her lungs, the same soft gaze of Beatrice. Beatrice who likes what she sees in Ava when Ava can barely see where she begins. She doesn’t like to dwell on it, the truth of the matter being what belongs to Ava.
If she closes her eyes she can pretend just a little longer. She can give herself the hope of the future and what comes after all this. She can put down the fighting and the artifact and live. Ava doesn't want to think about it anymore, at least not tonight when Beatrice is here with her.
Beatrice is soft. She knows it from hours and hours of training. She's felt it when Beatrice corrects her form, in the way she talks. She speaks from a place of care like she has turned the harsh words in her brain over and over to soften the syllables spoken to Ava. And Ava doesn't linger on it, the meaning behind it, (Ava didn't think she'd make it this far, finding a person who cares quite like Bea does.)
And Ava's got it bad, she knows she's fucked because Beatrice doesn’t say anything about her language and Ava can't not tell her the truth. She looks down, her hand fiddling with the bed sheet underneath them.
"It doesn't hurt," if she thinks about it she can feel the fibers of the cotton between the pads of her fingers. "But it's very uncomfortable." She doesn't want to find the response in Beatrice's eyes, content to hear it from her voice. The soft British lilting accent that holds her just as soft as a touch.
She waits, she can picture Bea’s mannerisms with her eyes closed but maybe she should check just to be sure. Ava peers up at Beatrice and she’s suddenly closer. Her eyes really are pretty, there’s a depth to them that Ava wants to spend an ungodly amount of time studying.
“Can I help?”
#tko_writes#AND THEN THEY BANGGGG NASTY UGLY HARDDDDD#tenatively titled:#Do you think i'm kind?#in which i dump soup all over this google doc#soup being trauma#yeah this is ooc what about it#i need to go to bed right now#can u believe it i wrote something relatively normal#bleghhh#it wasn't as bad as I thought it would go#canon writing is boring to me personally but this wasn't too bad#it's just like blah blah imagine having a metal ring in ur back and how sleeping on ur side affects your body#just like body horror#and like the constant reminder of it because how do u escape something that's so uncomfortable sitting between ur shoulder blades but#helps you move and do all the things u dreamed of???#anyway got bonked with this idea talking with ard#everyone thank ard for this if u liked it#i was supposed to write more but i've gotta go to bed#Ava's thoughts are all over the place but i'm gonna say that's cuz she's sleepy#something somethign it's just all the trauma she's gone through because she's had the halo is present and she's constantly reminded of it#because it jostles inside of her and no one was really fit to house a halo#something something GET RID OF THE HALO BEARERS LET THOSE WOMEN LIVE THEIR LIVES#RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
45 notes
·
View notes
Text
TAZ Sapphic Week Day 5: Haunted
Couldn’t finish what I originally scheduled for day 5 (so itll have to be pushed back), but I still wanted to have something. So let’s have a quick experimental Lureen (if that is the ship name?) angst! Because that little scene in the GN really got me 😔✌️.
#i suppose this could also be interpreted as Lupcretia#Bc the ghostly figure is intentionally vague and distorted. So it’s up to your interpretation!#This... feels too angsty for Sapphic week. I’m sorry yall. Next days will be very cute dont worry#but then again the bingo does include Betrayal and Haunted. which are ripe for angst#taz sapphic week#taz#the adventure zone#tazb#taz balance#lucretia#maureen miller#anw. I had fun doing this. now back into my internship report woo (crying)#hopefully i will have time before i go to sleep to finish more for day 6 & 7#also I hope the ID is okay - I’m not sure how I would best describe whatever this is#is Impressionistic even the right Art Movement. Its been three years since I touched that stuff.
241 notes
·
View notes
Text
Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.
I don't have external meltdowns.
I could. I don't let it happen.
I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.
So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.
She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.
Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].
It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.
They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.
I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.
I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.
I couldn't understand what made her like this.
But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.
If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.
And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*
And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?
My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.
Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???
And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.
I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*
She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.
I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.
So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.
But I told her hundreds of times.
I probably should have just screamed at her.
#good stay out of our yard' and he didn't seem to know what to say to that#but other than that I don't think anyone in my adult life has ever seen me turn aggressive at all to the point where people 100% like to#play games of testing my patience and my boundaries because they think my tolerance is infinite#but like I have autistic rage tantrums on both sides of my family and they are just happening inside my head#And somehow it took me until now to realize that being that way was actually -expected- of me by my parents and especially my mother#and that by keeping myself outwardly level headed to be considerate I actually took away whatever signals she can understand#to have empathy for how I must be feeling#I mean it's still all on her#but it makes so much sense of why she's fucking *like this*#And why my sister thinks I hate her just because -she- stopped texting -me-#but that fucking guy#Every time I was like#In my adult life I have screamed at someone ONE whole time and it was 1000% deserved#And I threw heavy objects around one whole other time and in my defense I didn't do it in front of the guy he just felt the ground shaking#heard the thuds and came back to the logs blocking his path because that fucker wouldn't stop parking in our yard after being asked#and then TOLD not to about 10 times because he was acting entitled to just park in our yard and was crushing my plants???#seriously I don't know what his deal was but he wouldn't stop telling me how much the ground shaking scared him like it was supposed#to get my pity like I think this guy took one look at the logs I had just tossed down and was suddenly afraid of this “woman” he was#bullying in their own yard and so my ability to feel bad for scaring him had gone straight out the fucking window#I looked at him and said stop parking in our yard instead of your own you are killing my plants#he'd just fucking be like 'well the last people to live here let us D: :)“ and I'd be like ”good for them?“ ”stop“#and he'd just keep doing it#I was having a week of insomnia and was finally having the best dream#the kind of sex dream you have like twice in your life#and this fucker had just gotten some noisy ass little bike with a spoiler on it#and starts it up right under my window at 3am from IN OUR FUCKING YARD#so I had a nice long anger nap and just after he got home from work and was sleeping in his house#I picked up these chunks of deadwood tree from the back#there was like 3-4 logs that used to be a WHOLEASS fucking oak tree Like these logs were not as heavy as they -looked- but they were still#this fucker deleted half the tags I wrote and I am not retyping that fuck you tumblr so fucking hard
31 notes
·
View notes
Text
GRAPPLING WITH CRIPPLING INSOMNIA QUICK POST BATMAN FANFIC
(Reverse Robins, with Tim as the red hood)
“You kill,” Cass hisses. “Like him.”
“I’m not doing anything that they haven’t done to someone else.” Hood’s voice is hard, unrepentant.
She strides forward to jab him in the chest. “Is that supposed to make it okay? Am I supposed to forgive you?” She sounds almost heartbroken. “You remember Batman. Is this better?”
Jason doesn’t know what she means, but Hood clearly does. His lips thin. “You can’t seriously be comparing this to that. He killed me.”
“Two wrongs do not make a right.”
“I don’t care about being right. I don’t expect you to understand.”
“You used to be so sweet, big brother.” She reaches up to touch his face, and Jason watches him lean into it before he realizes what he’s doing and wrenches away from her.
“Yeah, well, things change. People change.”
“Not that much.” It’s sad, quiet. “You know I can’t forgive this.”
“I really don’t care.”
“You do.”
He doesn’t dignify that with a response, instead turning away to make his escape. She starts to follow but instead is tackled by three bodies, and has to turn to fight them. Jason tries to help, but she’s pretty much got it on her own. When it’s clear they’re losing the assassins fall back, and Jason tries to chase them, but Cass snags him by the cape and holds him back. When they turn around the Red Hood is long gone.
Cass has her fists clenched, and her shoulders are shaking. Jason doesn’t know whether it’s anger or sadness, but he steps forward to offer her comfort.
She steps away and shakes her head.
He’s always known Tim and Cass were close, but it was a distant thought to him, something he never thought he’d witness. Seeing the two of them in person was like looking through a funhouse mirror, warped and twisted until all that was left was a huge, grinning shadow.
There’s laughter in his nightmares that night.
#batfam fanfic#reverse robins#tim drake#cassandra cain#im not gonna tag jason bc I feel like even tho it’s in his pov he’s barely in this snippet#wait that’s stupid#jason todd#cass ily 5ever never let them tell u they’re wrong#for the record the three assassins are pru z and owens#idk I like the idea of Tim and cass being close before he died and then her having to grapple with the fact that he’s murdering people now#do I get her voice right? who knows I am literally surviving off of spite weed and a prayer rn#i haven’t had a weeks worth of solid sleep in like. months. bc im hyperfixating too hard#sometimes tim drake worms his way into ur head when you’re 15 and then when you’re 21 you remember he exists and suddenly#BOOM. adhd attack#anyways#oh yeah the Batman part is supposed to refer to titans of tomorrow gun batman#*never let them tell you you’re wrong not they’re wrong. tim is v much in the wrong
25 notes
·
View notes
Text
Sakura: It was this day 3 years ago he left...
Naruto: Dont worry, Sakura! I'm sure this time next year we'll have him right back at home.
(Meanwhile)
Sasuke: *Sneezes*
Kabuto: You know Sasuke, they say when you sneeze it means someone's talking about you.
Sasuke: *Repeated sneezing*
Sasuke: OBBsessIVe motherFUCKERS *Sneeze*
#naruto#naruto shippuden#naruto uzumaki#haruno sakura#uchiha sasuke#kabuto yakushi#Team 7#Urgh I love them#There was a whole like plot to this but I thought of it b4 I went to sleep then I woke up and i couldn't remember most of it#Pretty sure it was supposed to be a short comic#But when have I ever finished one of those hahaha haha am I right you have no idea who I am#And I've never posted any of my comics I don't know why I'm saying that like it's an inside joke#Moldy-flowers#You can leave and forget about me now bye bye#Omg writing that made me remember that mobile game I used to play#You like built houses and I think there were animal villagers#And they had a really cute high pitched “bye bye c:”#I distinctly remember the fox I think they were a main part if the story maybe
37 notes
·
View notes
Text
being a hiyoshipper is great bc even if you don’t like nghy,
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/dcac27613bf918bcf5337a39e8b3dae2/58ee801b1e30271c-e9/s540x810/196129d435d7e5bd7993c6d8e0d838fc537b7ac9.jpg)
you still have options, like~~~
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/88340872560f8915bd7a1330e6987ead/58ee801b1e30271c-47/s640x960/0205621424b79967ee10a24332631c16a6c53083.jpg)
#long story short: y’all can pick and choose the media you consume. no need to hate on nghy/the official staff/nghy shippers ok~~~~?#(unless you ship mnhy in which case. im so sorry :( you can watch the crepe scenes from the [redacted] anime muted ig)#ok but. this came to me while i was watching the llss single mvs. and. like. i kinda understood where the mad hiyoshippers were coming from#bc. like. no one likes a messily shoehorned childhood friend romance in the middle of an anime adaptation#(esp when you had already anticipated for there to be another ship)… right?#(**yes im talking about yoha.maru vs ruby.maru. bc *man* im still ticked off about yoha.maru tbh)#(like. i thought i was tripping when the anime introduced yoha as maru’s childhood friend. bc i thought that was ruby’s thing)#(it just never sat right with me. like. even though every other media released after the anime established yh.mr as childhood friends…)#(i still can’t accept it. it feels so forced. like. they took everything away from ruby and gave them to someone else…)#(i was p. sure ruby was supposed to be the costumer? that’s now you. she had a fear of [something]? that’s now riko.)#(she loved school idols? well she still does but now her sister’s the obsessive fan. not her.)#(****i could be wrong about the other ruby retcons bc it’s been *years* since the llss anime and the retcons have stayed retcons so. y’know)#(but the thing that stuck to me most was the maru thing bc whyyyyyyy did they have to retcon her gf too :()#(and so. with that in mind. i kinda began to relate(?????) to yhy shippers a little(??????) bc anime-forced childhood friends isnt fun :()#(…though. granted. nagisa was introduced as hiyori’s friend *before* the anime. but that was a chico.hani mv that could be skipped. so…)#ig what im trying to say is. anime adaptations of multimedia projects… kinda suck most of the time*#*esp when they’re handing established character dynamics. im sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy#(also my hot take is that nghy wouldve been more well-accepted if it first came out before the [redacted] anime fumbled it)#(buuuuuuuuuuut that’s a story for another day. it’s late and i want at least 2 hours of sleep before work lmaoooooooo)
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
*rocking back and forth* just have to make it through this week just have to make it through this week just h
#i am so sick right now it’s not even funny#i almost fell over from dizziness and exhaustion like five times today#pretty sure i have a fever#but i can’t stay home cause IT’S TECH WEEK :’D#plus all of my online class is due this friday (the day before my show) and i still have a unit and my final project to do#i just want to sleep for the love of god#but i can’t until my work is done :3#thank GOD for my boyfriend like i would not have locked in otherwise#ANWYAYS. it’s fine after this week i’ll have no more drama no more online class (for the semester) and i can finally relax#we have monday off too and we might even get tuesday off because the low temp is supposed to be NEGATIVE TWO 😭😭😭#praying for it fr#then i can finally get back to embroidery cause i want to work on my jellyfish pants SO BAD#and even better than that I CAN FINALLY USE MY LOOM#i’ve had no time but i’m so so so excited#ANYWAYS. that’s enough tags for now goodbye
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
giving my ldb a daughter. embarrassing for all involved. mostly me
#her mom is an orc and her dad is a wood elf so she's going to be a very pointy orc. angular#like ok i suppose i leaned a little heavy on the elf features but also shes 12. she'll develop more orcish features. Not My Fault 😐#mimiart#weird little girl who pretends to be a wolf -> actual werewolf pipeline#elder scrolls#skyrim#shes sooo sweet and smiley :) idk where that comes from. not either of her parents. neither a point for nature nor nurture#calling her Khara for now. might change idk#re: my caption its only embarrassing because of who she had the child with. he fucking sucks#but so does she which is why they get along and they make each other worse. but also sometimes better#whatever. they love each other and their weird kids#at first they said “no kids absolutely the fuck not” then they decided to adopt alesan because like. hes already pretty much self sufficien#like he had a job and everything right. this will be a breeze hes already pretty much a fully formed human we can just help him out#by letting him sleep in our house right. and then like not even a full year later uloth gets pregnant oops 😬#does anyone here know how to keep a baby alive. thankfully uloth has amassed basically a small village of followers/friends/housecarls#some more responsible and knowledgeable than others. so dw the kids are okay and not dead#they just keep the necromancy and shady black market trading and unethical experiments OUTSIDE THE HOUSE#tes#ocs#oc#khara has only broken her dads finger once. orc grip you know how it is#oh and his nose too. but he deserved it for stealing hers 😑 like what was she gonna do?? NOT steal his right back?? come on
26 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#idk if it's because i've given autism a very in depth look now or if i just always been like this and never really thought about it#but i'm finding it harder and harder to match my feelings to what i guess i'm supposed to feel?#like when something sad happens and i have no reaction to it#it's not that i'm not sad or that i'm glad it's happening but i just have no feelings?#which in turn bring put feelings of guilt because i'm not sad or worried enough...#it's such a weird experience and i'm of course not saying that autistic people have no feelings#that's so not what i'm saying#but it is a trait of autism to have difficulty pinpointing what you feel and also difficulty expressing it in ways other people usually doit#so perhaps it is because i've learned about that that I'm accepting that maybe i just don't feel things ''the normal way''#but i'm having a weird one tonight because my mom had to leave because of an emergency with my grandma#and it's 1am right now#and i am worried. of course i am. I don't want my grandma to suffer (although i have accepted she's not gonna live much longer)#but i still don't want her to die obviously#and most importantly I don't want my mom to have to go through that... to see her mother die? that's horrible#i'm obviously sad and worried#yet i'm sitting here drinking coffee and laughing at funny videos like nothing's happening#and i feel fine... like as if my mom was just sleeping at home like every night and not at a hospital visiting her dying mother...#and i know that years back i would have gone ''what the fuck is wrong with me?!'' and perhaps maybe forced myself to feel worse#or to cry or whatever because I can't be chill when something bad is happening...#and maybe i'll feel that way when my mom is back because I can't be calm and happy is she's sad#that would be rubbing it in her face#so maybe i'll feel more guilty then?#idk it's a weird feeling that i wanted to put into words#mostly for when it happens again i'll have a record of it somewhere#idk#angel talks#personal
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
vent in tags sorry
cw: mention of loss
#adding a long note to the beginning so no one sees the actual vent in the case that they don’t want to which is absolutely okay#okay that’s probably good#i feel like a failure today.#my car wouldn’t start on friday and i haven’t had a moment to actually call a mechanic until today#called early in the morning and he said he’d call me back with a time#i’ve reached out multiple times since then and have heard NOTHING#if i don’t get it fixed today i’ll have to take my partners car instead#and when i asked them if that would possibly be okay#they started off on a rant about how they were planning to do all this shit tomorrow morning and now can’t if they don’t have their car#but genuinely. how tf was i supposed to know about their plans?? why did they have to say it all like this is completely my fault???#i’m sorry that i’m still in a not so good mental place right now and might forget to do things in a more timely manner#i’ve had two grandparents pass away in the span of a few WEEKS. give me a little grace.#i give them the same understanding every day when they’re having a rough time#so why can’t they offer me the same thing?#i know they’re just stressed and tired and busy but FUCK SO AM I#i’m just. over it. i want to go to sleep.#and by sleep i mean literal sleep i’m not insinuating anything darker i promise#i may be in a rough spot mentally but it is not that kind of rough <3 i’m safe#just. very tired. and in need of support.#i feel like i’m always giving and rarely getting support in this relationship.#and now i’m just feeling like a burden and an inconvenience for even needing the extra support in the first place#the urge to run away and start my life over is strong holy shit
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hooray... it's 7 in the morning and I stayed up all night listening to the imperium... I feel so happy and satisfied with my life choices...
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/35c94ff3a1540916ba9f801f931b46e9/15c8769d61e8a209-9a/s540x810/755dd313b10a5883522459c94fe7092cb5e0ff67.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/d11c99ed849e106f561aaafeca4e4b12/15c8769d61e8a209-68/s500x750/333d50e6a854a47d2e205277b387514a11ff6d90.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/e7e18fe9b35d5e17f354166d084c3935/15c8769d61e8a209-e9/s400x600/1cab984b055e5ef714c15f76dfae5b4da66801f4.jpg)
I am feeling very much not cowabunga, dude
[SEVERE rambling in tags]
#ouww it hurts!! it hurts!!! this is the stuff you're supposed to leave for angst fic writers not make canon in an alt universe?? ERIK PLEASE#i hate the whole entire world right now. genuinely cannot speak to anyone normally for the next 3-4 business days.#I have no one irl to rant to about this FUCK im stranded. im quarantined. im being held against my will free meee#The irl friend i have who knows anything at all about redacted only knows freelancer s1 i cannot drop this bigass plot on them#Genuinely i might start going mad out of repression. Erik writing “hope you enjoy” in the desc as if that wasnt the most painfully torturou#experience I've ever had in my life. The fucking inevitability. I knew Echo was going to pull some shit. IM JUST GLAD VIN AND FL ARE OK#they were NOT the turning point just let them live their cabin in the woods fantasy for however long they can okay...#Also I kinda love imp!vega. not the biggest fan of prime bc of the whole child beating situation but i sure loved this guy.#really knew what he was talking about when it came to revolutions and stuff. Like he's good. no disrespect to avior but vega did good#and he was so gentle with his partner which i find more appealing than torture but that's just me. that's just me i get it#And uh. speaking of that. Imp!sam. Yeah i get why some of yall are goin wild over him and i wish i could say i shared the sentiment but hes#too scary im weak like that. when i know a bastard would simply kill me without a care im just not into that yknow? or maybe you dont#Glad we got twisted gay damihux at the end though MUAHAJAJA that's one of the only redeeming lights that kept me alive#FUCKKKK SHIT FU K SJIT DAM ASHERS ENTIRE SCENE WITH BRACJIUM GOD HELP ME. ID DIE FOR THAT MAN#he's so fucking sad!!! he just wants his husband back!!! HE WANTS HIS FAMILY BACK!!!!!!#No even I don't understand how it's possible to get this attached to characters. I don't know. Im in deep shit.#Is this the end for me? Is my life over? These are the questions I have today. I probably just need to sleep because again#it's 7:30 in the morning. but regardless. These characters mean so much to me and this silly anthology has pulled emotions out of#me that i am terrified of feeling [survivors guilt hits me right in the fucking heart] and im scared. of what? don't know#That little shit Echo was right about one thing. It may not be real but the emotional damage it caused me is real. AND IRREPARABLE#redacted audio#redacted asmr#redacted imperium#redacted imp!asher#redacted echo#redacted imp!vega#redacted imp!sam#redacted vindemiator#tired of tagging. hitting the pillow. good night.
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
Survived today fine. Just chilling now.
Ordered a new bridge for my violin. Current one is kinda bent (from age, I think) and I think it's affecting my sound quality. It's supposed to come in on Saturday, along with some mutes (both for performing and also for practicing. First for making it quiet while playing a song and second to make it quieter in general so you're less disruptive while practicing. I think.) and also some sand paper. Because I'm probably gonna have to sand the legs of the bridge some to adjust it to my violin's shape.
I've never replaced a bridge before. I've put one back *on* after at least one time of accidentally knocking it out one way or another. Kinda really inconvenient. Gotta loosen all the strings, position it, then re-tune the entire thing. So that part is inconvenient, but familiar. But the sanding it into shape....... well, I might look up an instructional video or something. Just in case. It seems like it'd be pretty intuitive, but better to be safe than sorry.
#speculation nation#yknow now that i think about it it probably is pretty much time#i dont know what's standard for violin maintenance but i think it's the same bridge ive had since i got this violin in 8th grade#which was. back in 2010. 15 years ago....#the violin overall is in perfectly fine shape. though i wonder if i should change the other strings at some point.#i changed the G because i had to. because it broke. the others are currently fine but hmmm#idk i'll pay attention to if they start sounding weird. the G was sounding weird before it snapped back then.#im also Pretty sure im suppsed to get the bow's hairs redone at some point... but it's still fine?? i think.#ive never been the type to press hard enough to snap hairs very often. though maybe thats not a good thing#idk im just. thinking#i really want to Stay in the habit of playing even after this semester ends.#it's felt like reconnecting with an old piece of my core identity. i was an active violinist from ages 11 through 19#and even in the time since then ive still Called myself a violinist. bc that kind of thing never leaves you.#my left arm is Still more flexible than my right one. can bend further up behind my back and everything.#but it's also... not the same as Actively playing. it feels right and wrong at the same time.#it feels *right* but it doesnt feel as natural as it used to. im too out of practice. fumbling fingers trying so hard.#trying to not get frustrated with myself when the person in front of me plays so beautifully without any hesitation.#im sleep deprived. and incredibly out of practice. but im taking measures to improve things.#the bridge will help i think. i kept getting thrown off by the sound today. on lower strings it almost sounded like smth was rattling.#and when i install the new bridge on saturday i will practice. until i at least know what im supposed to be playing.#i wont embarrass myself again. i will *not* be so lost next time. my pride as a violinist demands it.#i may be severely out of practice but i was once the 4th best violinist of my high school. i can get that good again.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
feeling incredibly inspired while also struggling to design a character is definitely a mood
#like idk I keep thinking about spiderverse and arcane and blue eye samurai and nimona and box trolls#and I want to do that!!!#I want to do that so bad!!!#but fuck!!!#I am struggling!!! to design!!! characters!!! right now!!!!#which is fair#I have not had a lot of sleep#nor much to eat today#and again#the adhd is Unmedicated#but also#come on man#I want to draw#please#can we draw#it’s like there’s a wire loose somewhere and I have to bang my head against the wall Just Right#in order for the wire to just barely reach the node it’s supposed to supply energy to#y’know???#anyway
2 notes
·
View notes