#InfoPost

[techramonic]

What is Pain? : How Austin Eubanks Dealt with Addiction and the Aftermath of Columbine.

Austin and Corey

Stephen Austin Eubanks was a junior and a star student in Columbine High School. Corey Tyler DePooter, his best friend, was also a particularly gifted student who prioritized his studies over anything else. Despite having a wide range of interests, the two kids particularly bonded over their shared passion for fishing.

At the age of 17, Corey had gotten a job doing maintenance at a golf club in order to earn money for a fishing boat that he planned to buy with a friend — likely Austin. The two often used to go fishing together and would talk about the struggles they had as teenagers.

Day of the Tragedy

On April 20th of 1999, the two were inside the library getting ready to get lunch with their friends, Jennifer Doyle and Peter Ball. That was until they had heard shots fired from the outside, not recognizing the sounds and believing that it was only the sounds of construction. Then they heard a bomb go off, a teacher rushing in to scream for the students to hide underneath the table because two students were armed with guns.

In a state of shock and fear, the four duck under the same table near the windows. With 10 minutes passing, the shooters had already entered the library and methodically fired under each table as recalled by him. His best friend, Corey, was one of those who were shot after being aimed with a semi-automatic rifle and shot at the neck, chest, and left arm by Dylan Klebold.

The bullet that hit Austin's hand first passed through his best friend, killing him instantly. With his best friend lying lifelessly beside him and being wounded on his hand and knee, Austin had no other choice than to try to play dead while laying in a pool of blood. When the shooting had stopped, Austin ran through the smoke and out of the backdoor of the library. He was only 17 when the shooting occured.

In Austin's TedTalk “What Columbine Shooting taught me about pain and addiction”, he recalls:

"I remember how I felt: I was confused, I was afraid, I felt sick and I was vulnerable. And just minutes later, I was playing dead underneath a table next to a pool of blood. I had just been shot and I witnessed my best friend murdered right in front of me as we were huddled together waiting for help to come."

Pain, Grief, and Narcotics

During the time he fled from the crime scene, Austin marked that as one of the most impacting and damaging experiences he has ever experienced in regards to the feeling of pain. His definition of pain was nothing similar to what he describes in his present days.

Pain, in a medical sense, is the variably unpleasant sensation of physiological systems mediated by specific nerve fibers of the brain that are conscious of receiving signals of awareness. According to Austin's TedTalk, the American Pain Society introduced the term "pain is the fifth vital sign" in 1996. This means that when you enter the room, your status is assessed using five different data points: blood pressure, pulse rate, temperature, respiration rate, and pain.

Due to a movement that was certain that we were undertreating pain, patient satisfaction surveys were implemented in order to monitor the campaign's success. To him, in order to uphold this new momentum and cause the patient's pain levels to cease completely, the ethical dilemma instantly arose:

“Do I issue this person with narcotics to make them happy or deny them and potentially hurt my compensation, the revenue of the hospital? Or at worse, open myself up for a grievance for undertreating pain that could potentially result in the loss of my job?”

Austin says that the healthcare system predominantly treats physiological systems and would rather not assess emotional pain into the equation. He akins the emotional pain of dealing with trauma being identical or if not more than when dealing with physical pain. With that, within months after the incident, Austin was prescribed opiate medication for his injuries.

In an exclusive interview with The Fix, he said that his injuries were not to the point of needing an opiate pain medication but was immediately given a 30-day supply and became addicted within three months. From then on, he said, “I used substances every day, day in and day out.”

After the shooting, his parents took him to a therapist who said Austin was too shut down to process his horrific trauma. But the reason no one could reach him was because he was overmedicated. He was addicted to painkillers, and used medication because of his unwillingness to engage in the stages of grief that he dreaded to face. He was haunted by the past. Struggling with survivor's guilt and the death of his best friend, he would rather ignore the intense burdening feelings he bore. According to him,

“Acute Physical Pain ends relatively quickly, complex emotional pain does not.”

The morphine Eubanks received at the hospital that day proved to be the opening dose of a costly addiction to prescription painkillers - one that revolved around commonly prescribed drug Oxycontin, he said.

“I learned to manipulate doctors … I could literally get whatever I wanted. Telling them I’d been shot at Columbine and lost my best friend was like [getting] an open prescription book from any doctor.”

He could not process the grief, moreso, he didn't want to. He didn't want to be haunted by the memories that scarred him. In his own words, he would describe the physical ailments he felt to be a 4 or 5, but the emotional turmoil was a 10.

Austin never set foot back to Columbine. His parents hired a tutor and he then went on to graduate in 2000. He attended the Columbine ceremonies but never went back inside the school. He then went into advertising and married in his early 20s. Around this time his substance abuse escalated, and his first attempt to get sober was in 2006. He went into a 30-day inpatient program but failed within hours of leaving, for  relapsing using pain pills and Adderall. 

Addiction and Sobriety 

He failed both outpatient and rehab twice and it wasn't until 10 years later, in 2009 that he was able to overcome this addiction. Right before Columbine, young Austin had been misdiagnosed with ADD. 

“I didn’t have ADD,” said Eubanks. “I just liked being outdoors and playing golf better than being in school. At that time, if anybody was truant at school they said, ‘Oh, they must be ADD. Let’s put them on a stimulant.’ That was why I got Adderall. I liked it because I could abuse opiate pain medication to the level that most people would be nodding out. With Adderall, I could function. Basically, I was doing oral speedballs. It was like using methamphetamine and heroin.”

His second try at being sober was in 2008. Gaining the motivation to change after recently separating from his wife, he went to treatment, stayed 90 days, and achieved eight months of sobriety. Then, he akinned addiction to a causal sequence, a domino effect. According to him, he achieved abstinence for a period of time, built up enough false confidence to where he thought he could drink, because alcohol was never a problem. From alcohol, he went to weed, then Xanax, then Oxycontin, and then back into the same routine.

In 2011, approaching the age of 30 and estranged from his wife and kids, he hit rock bottom: "My sobriety date is April 2, 2011. I woke up in a jail cell and had no clue how I got there." His downward spiral began with Oxycontin and alcohol abuse, leading to arrests for various offenses like car theft and fraud. Realizing that he needed a drastic change, he recounted that his lowest moment was waking up in withdrawal, hungover, and facing the ruins of his marriage and being estranged from his children. He knew he had to stop or he would die. After unsuccessful attempts at sobriety, he finally sought help, surrendered to treatment, and was now willing to follow any guidance to rebuild his life.

His journey to lasting sobriety didn't hinge on traditional 12-step programs, but rather on understanding behavioral triggers and brain function through a therapeutic community approach. He was five years sober and started working at The Foundry in Colorado, becoming the COO and handling approaches that combined neuroscience with 12-step principles, recognizing that each person's path to recovery is unique. Using comprehensive approaches aiming to rebuild the lives of those in recovery.

During this time, he would also indulge in old activities in remembrance of his bestfriend.

“It’s something I do to connect with Corey. It's always nice whenever I catch a fish that's above the normal or something special about it. I always tend to look up and give a nod to him. And I know he’s still looking out for me."

Sadly, despite his long battle against drug addiction, in 2019, Austin had passed away in his home in Colorado after an accidental heroin overdose. Just a month after the 20th anniversary of Columbine, Austin was 37 at the time.

What is Pain?

Pain, to Austin, encompassed many things: the confusion and vulnerability of not knowing what to do in such a time of terror, the physical wounds that the doctors tried to medicate to bring the pain meter to zero, and most importantly, the emotional hurt of knowing your best friend was gone, taken right in front of you. Knowing that very moment can never be undone.

His advice for survivors dealing with the same guilt is to feel it. Don't run away from it. Survivors often find other things that allow them to detach from the pain, but to him, that's the wrong choice.

“You can heal physical pain while you’re medicating it. You cannot heal emotional pain while you are medicating it, In order to heal emotional pain, you have to feel it ... You want to feel better immediately, [but] you have to have the courage to sit in and feel it, and if you can do that long enough, you will come out on the other side.”

Along with post-traumatic stress, there is also the potential for post-traumatic growth.

“That doesn’t imply you will ever be the same person again. After a trauma, you will be changed forever.”

[interact-proof]

Info Masterpost

Hi everyone, you may know me from around the IF community, probably primarily from here, but you may also be familiar with some projects I've worked on as an editor (the two most prominent being @bodycountgame and @nyehilismwriting's Project Hadea) or other things I've done around the place. Regardless, it's my intention to set up a place here to provide proof-reading and other editing services in order to help people in the IF community who may struggle with doing it themselves for whatever reason (be that due to time, or difficulty, or anything else).

What's on Offer?

We all know that being an interactive fiction author is a HUGE undertaking - we're our own planners, publicists, programmers and also editors a large amount of the time - and sometimes it can be a lot to grapple with. I also know from personally interacting with a lot of authors that editing in particular can feel intimidating for people who don't do it often, and lots of people feel like they don't get it right or don't trust their own judgement with it. That's a normal feeling for anyone inexperienced in a certain skill to go through, but also it turns out that luckily, the internet exists!

For a fee, I can hopefully take some of the stress out of the process by doing copy, line or developmental editing for you, or a combination of the three in some way, shape or form. This doesn't give me any control over your work, obviously, and any suggestions that I make will be just that, suggestions - though like any editor worth their salt, I'll always do my best to explain what I'm suggesting and why, so that you can hopefully make an informed decision about what you want to do about it.

See below the cut for more information, along with pricing and some basic FAQs. Thanks for reading!

So, how does it work?

Well, it's pretty simple, really - you reach out and talk to me about what you want edited, I'll let you know how many (if any) jobs are in my queue currently, we'll confirm what the price will be, and then you decide if you want to go ahead with contracting my services. If we agree to work together, you'll sit back and relax after finishing the exhausting writing process, or, if you're really a glutton for punishment, start writing something new, and I'll do the editing. Then I'll return it to you, and send you an invoice. Easy!

I'm not going to hover over your shoulder demanding certain changes be made or be offended if you disagree with me - that's not a good editor's function, in my personal opinion. What you choose to do with my editing suggestions afterwards is entirely up to you!

FAQs

What's the difference between copy editing, line editing and developmental editing?

Most people editing for themselves do all three different types of these at once, but they are actually three separate skillsets. Copy editing is another term for what's sometimes called proof-reading; basically, it's checking for spelling and grammar mistakes (including homophones and so forth) but not for other purely textual elements like ineffective word usage or weak sentence structures. Anything beyond basic grammatical correctness is covered by what's called line editing, which looks at some common things people worry about like overused words, weak metaphors or other imagery, and sentences or segments of the text that can possibly be written in a way to more effectively convey the message they're trying to get across.

Developmental editing is a whole other ballgame - this is the part that most often makes authors nervous, the act of considering the text in terms of the effectiveness of each paragraph and story beat, analysing which parts of the narrative and various character arcs are working and which aren't, and so forth. This is a type of editing that is heavy on critique, and very subjective: it's akin to the kind of feedback you might get from beta readers in many senses.

You don't have to want all three types of editing in order to contract my services for, say, just one, but developmental editing on its own will be by negotiation, and likely be an hourly fee rather than a per word cost. You also can't have line editing without copy editing, as it would be impossible to make sure it's effectively-written without making sure it's correct. (You can have copy editing without line editing, however.)

Do you accept works from people whose first language is something other than English?

Yes, this is not a mitigating factor for me. I've worked on some pieces by French- and Brazilian Portuguese-speaking authors before. My editing suggestions come with explanations of why I'm making them, so it should be clear even for ESL authors what I'm suggesting and for what reason. I'm not a translator (unless you're talking about from Akkadian or Sindarin), but as long as you're capable of having a conversation in English, we should be fine.

How should I format my files for you to work on? And how will I get them to you/receive them back?

The two most preferable options are either in a Word Document, or a GoogleDoc document, as these formats both allow me to highlight parts of the work and comment on it directly so that you can see my suggestions. Any other format will make the whole process difficult for both of us as it will require cross-referencing between your work and my responses.

It doesn't have to be formatted in any fancy way, though - as long as it's in the document and readable, even just via basic copy/paste from wherever else you write, that's fine.

We can exchange the files via email or discord, whichever makes you feel more comfortable.

Do you accept jobs unrelated to interactive fiction?

Yes! I've edited novels and short stories before as well, and done work specifically providing developmental editing on outlines so that authors can feel they have a well fleshed-out plan before they begin writing. It's just that there's not many editors out there who are familiar with the IF scene, so that's my marketing focus, so to speak.

You write using British spellings... do you know how to edit for American spellings, too?

Yes, I know how to edit for AusE and AmE as well as BrE. Many authors also use a combination of multiple spelling systems, which I can work with as long as you let me know your style and parameters.

My game is written in the style of Shakespeare... can you handle that?

Individual style, both affected and inherent, is not really a roadblock for most editors. The job of a good editor is to consider each author's personal style and make sure to respect it, rather than try to overwrite it with their own voice, so if you're writing a Tolkienian or Arthurian or epic poetry piece, I'm capable of working with that as long as you let me know what you're aiming for beforehand.

If you have a style guide with particular specifications, feel free to submit it along with your documents, and I'll abide by its specifications. I've worked on projects ranging from high fantasy to scifi to modern fiction in the past.

Can I break my writing up into multiple parts to give to you over time?

Sure! All of the interactive fiction work I've done thus far has been chapter-by-chapter, and you can break it down smaller if you like. However, I can't necessarily bring forward developmental editing concerns from one job into another at peak reliability, particularly if a long period of time has passed between the different jobs.

That's probably all for the FAQs for now - if you have any other questions, please feel free to reach out and ask!

Pricing

How much the editing will cost is based on the length of what you would like me to edit, split up into three length categories: under 10k words, 10k-100k words, and over 100k words. Prices are in AUD, Australian dollars. Per-word rates round up (ie., at a rate of 1c per 5 words, 6 words would incur the cost for 10 words).

Under 10,000 words

Copy editing: 1c per word.

Line editing: a flat $15 fee on top of the price of copy editing.

Developmental editing: a flat $20 fee on top of any other costs, or an hourly fee by negotiation if without the other two services.

10,000 to 100,000 words

Copy editing: 1c per word for the first 10,000 words, followed by 1c per each 3 words for the remainder.

Line editing: a flat $30 fee on top of the price of copy editing.

Developmental editing: a flat $80 fee on top of any other costs, or an hourly fee by negotiation if without the other two services.

Over 100,000 words

Copy editing: 1c per word for the first 10,000 words, followed by 1c per each 3 words for the remainder, plus a flat $20 fee for each 100k words after the first (ie., 150,000 words will incur a $20 fee on top of the per-word price, while 250,000 words will incur $40).

Line editing: a flat $40 fee on top of the price of copy editing, rising incrementally per 100k words after the first (ie., 150,000 words will incur a $40 fee, while 250,000 words will incur $80).

Developmental editing: a flat $80 fee on top of any other costs, rising incrementally per 100k words after the first (ie., 150,000 words will incur an $80 fee, while 250,000 words will incur $160), or an hourly fee by negotiation if without the other two services.

Code-checking

If you're able to include your code with your writing (such as by viewing a proofing copy of a game via twine), and provide me with an outline of your variables and what you're using them for, I can by request check for possible errors (such as adding to a stat when it seems like it should be subtracting instead, or using a wrong or misspelled variable) for a flat fee of $80 per 100,000 words (in this case, the code is included in the wordcount, since I'll be checking it).

Outline Help

If you want me to look over an outline or plan and provide developmental feedback before you begin writing, this can be done for an hourly fee by negotiation.

Thank you again for reading! Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions.

[desireesart]

SPOILERS„InsideOut 2”

Personal opinion, experiences *

* The author is not an expert in criticism and presentation of thoughts.

I watched the „Inside Out 2”, And I cried at the end.

The way anxiety takes control, overriding other emotions for Riley's benefit... Creating new beliefs and memories that lead to nothing good.

It's all done so realistically, when Riley had a panic attack I started crying, I feel like the same thing is happening to me. Only that very moment when all the emotions come together, when joy saves Riley, never came...

I don't want to do anything, I don't want to know anything, I can't do anything... If only a happy ending would come for me when this condition lets me go.

As a person who experiences similar things, I can say with certainty that everything is shown PERFECTLY!

How joy takes “unnecessary” memories and sends them into the abyss...(Only in my case I forget both the bad and the good).

How anxiety plans future possible outcomes and you can't sleep.

The end is ideal, as anxiety would “freeze” at the control panel and cannot be removed... as even if you move it away, the state after it simply does not go away.

I like it Inside Out2 Just like the first part, I was afraid that the continuation might ruin everything, Yes, it seems to me that even more moments could have been added and the storage space was not enough for such a large idea..

I can’t imagine what will happen in part 3 if there is one, but I think it will turn out just as great as in the first and second cartoon!

I do not express my opinion as an expert 😅😅

But I think those who have already watched the cartoon will understand what I mean.

[coolmagoloraskblog]

THAT WAS THE PROLOG?! Holy shit what's the main story gonna be like then???

Hot damn. Anyways, will you be taking a break b4 continuing, or just continue with the main story line? :0 both are perfectly fine of course, no pressure :)

i've been sitting on these plans for 2 YEARS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA

and as for when we will be continuing, january is going to be my little fun month where i do whatever i want, so i'm expecting to continue this in february or march! i have a lot more gijinkas i need to either refine or create from scratch and a little bit of environmental design before we can get into chapter 1

[konigbabe]

༊*·˚ european. university student. chronic procrastinator.

secondary blog. main @konigbabe-interact (I interact and follow from there). multifandom (18+).

I do not allow to copy/modify my work or take inspiration from my work in a form of using the same story ideas I come up with.

REQUESTS ARE CLOSED // thirsts and drabbles requests opened but feel free to share your ideas with me, maybe I’ll get inspired

࿐ྂ LINKS:

masterlist ┊ao3┊navigation┊writing list┊faq┊ko-fi

࿐ྂ RECENT

✎ eleusinian mysteries (Satoru Gojo x fem!reader x Toji Fushiguro x Kento Nanami x Choso Kamo gangbang) – NSFW week ✎ pearls before swine (kitsune!Satoru Gojo x fem!reader smutty oneshot) – NSFW week ✎ frosting of my cake (Satoru Gojo x fem!reader smutty oneshot) – NSFW week

࿐ྂ TRENDING

✎ feast of pleasure (Ghost x König x Keegan x fem!reader foursome smutty oneshot) ✎ perish (Satoru Gojo x fem!reader angsty oneshot) ✎ the taste of scotch (John Price x fem!reader smutty oneshot)

CREDITS: dividers are mine; account header by @acotars [source]; account icon is called "Milky Way" by Maksim Viktorov on deviantart [source]

[tiallussims]

By the way...

The official system requirements for inZOI if you're curious:

Minimum System Requirements for inZOI To simply get started with inZOI, your computer will need to meet the following hardware criteria: CPU: Equipped with at least an AMD Ryzen 5 2600X or an Intel Core i7-6800K, your processor should be able to handle the basic demands of the game. RAM: 16 GB is required for your system to run inZOI efficiently, letting you enjoy gameplay without significant lag. Video Card: A GPU such as the AMD Radeon RX 5600 XT or NVIDIA GeForce 1080 will be necessary to render the stunning graphics inZOI offers. Dedicated Video RAM: 6144 MB is the minimum to ensure those graphically intense moments look as beautiful as intended. Pixel Shader: Version 5.0 support is needed to achieve the full visual effect of various in-game textures and lighting. Vertex Shader: As with pixel shader, version 5.0 is required for proper rendering of the game’s complex models and environments. OS: Ensure that you have Windows 10/11 with the latest updates installed to support the game's software requirements. Free Disk Space: A minimum of 50 GB of available disk space will be required to install and run the game comfortably. Recommended System Requirements for inZOI For those wanting to experience inZOI in all its glory with high frame rates and the most detailed visuals, aim for the following recommended specifications: CPU: A more powerful processor like the AMD Ryzen 5 3600X or the Intel Core i5-10600K will deliver a smoother performance even in the most demanding scenarios. RAM: Doubling the minimum requirement, 32 GB of RAM will ensure that your game runs seamlessly and enables extensive multitasking. Video Card: Upgrading to an AMD Radeon RX 6800 or NVIDIA GeForce RTX 3080 video card will allow you to enjoy inZOI at higher resolutions and with better graphical fidelity. Dedicated Video RAM: A hefty 10240 MB will give you the bandwidth needed for ultra-quality textures and prevent any graphical stuttering. Pixel Shader and Vertex Shader: Remaining at version 5.0, but coupled with more robust hardware, you’ll be able to maximize the game’s visual settings. OS: Windows 10/11 with the latest updates is again recommended for the best compatibility. Free Disk Space: A consistent 50 GB of free space is recommended for game files, mods, and updates.

[ketsukane-sunlight]

//ooc under cut

howdy! ketsukanekid mod here!!!

this blog is related to @/passingthroughthenorthstar's AU! kanako is roughly ~14-16 years old, and is on decent terms with her mother she still tends to spend time with her other friends and effectively-adopted-family though. usual no-no list applies. tags: kanako answers - self explanatory kanako chain - self explanatory ooc - self explanatory mod responds - self explanatory infopost - self explanatory

[hermitroom]

some info about the various organizations in coe, as seen from the artbook (please let me know if you see any errors, i was a bit careless with romanization as you can tell & this is very rough)

Otowa Detective Agency They do business as Otowa Search System, LLC (kk otowa search system). A privately-owned detective agency in Nagoya managed by Genshi Otowa. When they expanded and moved their main office to Tokyo, the Nagoya office became their country one. Because they've been trustworthy at handling their jobs, they've gotten more and more customers, and because they listen to the will of their employees, they've managed to recruit and keep a lot of talented people on staff. Despite the fact that they're a small-scale company now, the requests haven't stopped. They have six people at the Nagoya branch, and about 30 at the Tokyo one. Path to Empireo

It started as the self-improvement group 'People of Akasha', and became a new organization with a new religion based on Catholicism. It wasn't a very large-scale group- around 2015, there were only about 300 registered believers in the country. The incident where the Tokyo and Chuubu branches exploded claimed many of their lives, completely destroying the organization itself. It seemed like the remaining survivors died natural deaths around the same time as well. They said they're researching the path to 'guide humanity to Empireo'.

Ice Cooler

A pharmaceutical company founded by the son of a pharmacist, Rangiri Utsugi. The position of president is inherited, so Rangiri passed it down to his son Keiichi, and he passed it down to his son Uenari. The company grew rapidly after WW2, with their main product being OTC medications. They were very famous for how well their medicines worked, but gradually said medicines started to work less and less. At the same time, there started to be a lot of 'suspicious' things about their medicine, as well as 'incidents' related to it, leading to public loss of trust in them. Before long, they were bought out by a foreign investor, their leadership was completely changed, and in 2016 the Ice Cooler name was no more.

Tranzykid Institute

An integrated sciences institute based in the American state of Kentucky. It's produced many Nobel Prize winners and candidates, and has quite a bit of influence as a research institute. However, all the departments act extremely independently of each other, and there are some laboratories among them that haven't revealed what they're actually working on.

Theosophy University

It was originally founded as a Catholic institution, but currently the management (Theosophy Institute of the Arts and Sciences) runs it as a private university. The curriculum focuses on raising students to be talented and successful in a global environment, with a strong focus on linguistics. It's not limited to Catholic-only students, either. There are people from all over the world attending, and many graduates have become famous in their own right. It's well-known enough as a university that everyone's heard of it. Other than their Tokyo campus, they have a Nagano campus as well.

Fondazione Riddle

Founded by Beniamino Riddle. Based in Italy. The current heir is the president's son, Rodney Riddle. They mainly provide financial support to organizations doing R&D in the field of science. Tranzykid is one of them. Their aim is 'For the world, and for the peace we have now' (but...).

A/Z/MA

Founded by Shirou Azuma. Their base business was Azuma Bookstore, a publishing company, but they're a corporation that handles all sorts of things in the entertainment industry. They've expanded into publishing, animation, movies, and various content services. Currently, no one working at the company besides the president is from the Azuma family themselves, but the current president, Wadachi Azuma, is a direct descendant of Shirou.

Nanamidou Bookstore, LLC

A bookstore chain under the Igarashi group. They used to only sell books, but they've branched out into music, videos, various media sales, and rentals, too.

Gojo Corporation/Igarashi Group

They're a business group that's made a name for themselves by expanding into every area. Despite the Gojo Conglomerate breaking up during WW2, they reorganized afterwards, and succeeded greatly. A major contractor in Tokai, Gojo, is also part of their group. Their most recent large-scale construction work is the commercial building in front of the Nagoya station. They've also done remodelling for A/Z/MA (LLC)'s Chuubu Branch office.

PMSC/GrassRod

A PMSC based in America. It recruits personnel from all sorts of countries, and there's a rumor that they'll send mercenaries who 'aren't afraid of death' anywhere. They're currently active, but the only thing that can be confirmed about them is that there is someone actually managing and controlling them. No other details are known.

[neue-freunde-finden]

- Blogregeln -

Für 2024 werden die Blogregeln minimal angepasst, daher hier die wenigen Regeln, die ich gerne nochmal erläutern würde. • Alter, Geschlecht und Wohnort ist grundsätzlich egal (wer es jedoch angeben möchte, kann das sehr gerne tun, da es als Hashtag unter den Betrag kommt) • Bitte keine Einzeiler einreichen. Diese werden kommentarlos gelöscht - macht euch interessant! • Gebt euch ein bisschen Mühe bei eurer Vorstellung. • Keine Dating oder S*xanfragen. Dafür ist die Seite nicht da. • Ebenso werden Blogs mit überwiegendem Porn-Inhalt geblockt. • Solltet ihr von einem Mitglied belästigt werden, MELDET EUCH bitte bei mir. Nur so kann ich diese Menschen von der Seite ausschließen • Seit nett zueinander und vermeidet Ghosting. Sowas ist für niemanden schön. • Wenn euer Beitrag gepostet wird, ist der erste Tag euer eigener Freundescode (z.b. für jetzt: 1801241330, bestehend aus Tag, Monat, Jahr und Uhrzeit). Merkt euch diesen bitte, falls ihr euren Beitrag mal löschen wollte oder andere Anregungen oder Ideen habt. Das wars auch schon. Habt ne schöne Zeit!

[techramonic]

The Pinnacle of Self-Hatred: A Close-Reading on Elliot Rodger's Manifesto

“I named it the Day of Retribution. It would be a day in which I exact my ultimate retribution and revenge on all of the hedonistic scum who enjoyed lives of pleasure that they don’t deserve. If I can’t have it, I will destroy it. I will destroy all women because I can never have them. I will make them all suffer for rejecting me… And I will slaughter them like the animals they are.” (Rodger, 2014, p. 101)

On the Friday evening of May. 23, 2014, Elliot Rodger had perpetrated the Isla Vista Killings. A series of stabbings and shootings that claimed the lives of six people, injured fourteen, and concluded with his own death from a fatal self-inflicted gunshot wound on the head. Before this, Elliot was like any other normal teenager growing up.

As he mentioned in his own manifesto, he had a seemingly good childhood up until his parent’s divorce. Even until the separation, he still spent time with both sides of his family, maintaining the privilege to have access to many luxurious items such as a collection of designer clothes and even a BMW 328i. He traveled a lot, and at just the age of one, he had already traveled to France, Sussex, Malaysia (where his mother grew up), Spain, Greece, and California.

People on platforms such as Reddit often questioned why no one considered dating him at all. Elliot had also asked himself this question time and time again. In one of his youtube videos, entitled, “Why do girls hate me so much” he says:

“I’ve been attending college in Santa Barbara for two and a half years now, in those two and a half years I have experienced nothing but loneliness and misery, and my problem  is girls. There are so many beautiful girls here, but none of them give me a chance and I don’t know why. I don’t know why you girls are so repulsed by me.”

While it is easy to dismiss that Elliot solely acted upon his crime because he thought that girls were the problem, upon the surface where misogyny lies, there are layers upon layers of complexities that shaped his views. Elliot did not simply hate women and men who got with women he dreamed of, it was that ultimately, he hated himself—a hatred that manifested toward outward factors.

Elliot has exhibited a long string of stunted self-worth ever since he was a child, and while it is easy to throw around names like: monster and pure-evil; the fact remains: he is still considered a human amongst all those. One who is consumed by insecurity.

In understanding a crime, we must first examine the criminal and approach their case with empathy. Understanding the human aspect of these criminals does not however mean that one should excuse, dismiss, or condone their actions. Only understand the reasons behind their motivations. Here are some aspects I have noticed in his personality and life that may be able to better explain why.

MATERIALISM AND INSECURITY

In his manifesto entitled: “My Twisted World”, Elliot had confessed to having lived a good childhood. He was a nice kid who lived a nice life, up until his parent’s rocky divorce. While reading his manifesto, I have garnered his tendency to place his worth on materialistic things, moreso, his wealth. There were two instances of this on pages thirty to thirty-one of his manifesto. The first was when he was hesitant to invite his new friend from school over to his house because he was ashamed of his wealth:

“I was a bit hesitant to invite anyone from Pinecrest to my mother’s house, because it was located in Canoga Park, a bad area, and most of the kids at Pinecrest were upper-middle class who would look down on me for living there.”

On page thirty one of his manifesto, Elliot said that he was eager to receive an Xbox solely because many kids from his school wanted it:

“My mother bought me a brand new video game console, the Xbox. I heard a lot of kids talking about how great the Xbox was at school, so I was really eager to have one.”

This trait had continued on to his older years. In the same video where he questioned why girls disliked him so much, he stated:

“I do everything I can to appear attractive to you. I dress nice. I am sophisticated and magnificent. I have a nice car, a BMW.”

From this, it’s observable that Elliot tends to desire things just because other kids desire it too. This is rooted in his craving of validation and acceptance. This materialistic need for validation also transcended from mere objects to even his own appearance. Whenever he did not have what others had or wanted, he would be very ashamed of himself.

At the age of six, Elliot had moved to Topanga Elementary Charter School, a school based in California. The school has a thirty two per-cent minority rate, making seventy eight per-cent of the ethnicity population white. With the population being predominantly white, Elliot  had developed a view on the world that separates people by their differences: the “cool kids” and the “losers”. Mostly, Elliot described these cool kids as the higher-class, privileged, centered on attention, and white. 

“I realized, with some horror, that I wasn’t “cool” at all. I had a dorky hairstyle, I wore plain and uncool clothing, and I was shy and unpopular. I was always described as the shy boy in the past, but I never really thought my shyness would affect me in a negative way, until this point. This revelation about the world, and about myself, really decreased my self-esteem. On top of this was the feeling that I was different because I am of mixed race. I am half White, half Asian, and this made me different from the normal fully-white kids that I was trying to fit in with.”

He even dyed his hair blonde and tried to pick up on skateboarding because he thought it would make him appear more cool. On his manifesto he wrote:

“My first act was to ask my parents to allow me to bleach my hair blonde. I always envied and admired blonde-haired people, they always seemed so much more beautiful.” (Rodger, 2014, p. 17)

“I then started to notice that all of the cool kids were interested in skateboarding. I had never even ridden on a skateboard before, but if I wanted to be cool, I had to become a skateboarder.” (Rodger, 2014, p. 18)

This materialism had soon influenced his fixation on racial hierarchy. Elliot in his older years constantly demeaned and berated others of asian descent even if he was half-malaysian himself. To him, he considered whiteness as a prestige. On platforms such as reddit and facebook, he had made several negative comments regarding the appearance of some Asian men. 

A comment he had left on a reddit thread stated:

“Full Asian men are disgustingly ugly and white girls would never go for you. You’re just butthurt that you were born an asian piece of shit, so you lash out by linking these fake pictures. You even admit that you wish you were half white. You’ll never be half-white and you’ll never fulfill your dream of marrying a white woman. I suggest you jump off a bridge.” 

The paragraph entails Elliot calling out a man for linking fake pictures of himself. Elliot speculates that the man had done this because he wished he was white, then he tells him how he was not considered as attractive because he was simply born Asian. Elliot was also very fixated on his looks, specifically his height. He had repeatedly mentioned his envy of other boys and even girls who were taller than him.

On page fifteen of his manifesto, he wrote:

“As Fourth Grade started, it fully dawned on me that I was the shortest kid in my class – even the girls were taller than me. In the past, I rarely gave a thought to it, but at this stage I became extremely annoyed at how everyone was taller than me, and how the tallest boys were automatically respected more. It instilled the first feelings of inferiority in me, and such feelings would only grow more volatile with time.”

In other instances, he also noted that he was bullied for being physically weak and short, and often he would blame this solely on his descent. He saw being mixed as a form of inferiority because this made him “undesirable”.  His image of attractiveness is measured by euro-centric features: fair-skinned, blonde, blue eyes, and tall. In many instances, he changed parts of himself to better fit the narrative of being “cool”.

To him, it’s all a part of growing up and fitting in, but what he failed to see is that the more he takes and changes parts of himself for people to like him, the more it just makes him hollow. Elliot’s childhood and teen years, best summed up, is a fixation on trying to keep up with those who are higher on the social status ladder and this continued to his later years. 

EARLY EXPOSURE TO PORNOGRAPHY AND SEXIST MEDIA 

Elliot was lonelier during his teen years, at 13 years old, he stopped having contact with his only friends because they started having their own separate lives together, making him spend more time alone by himself (Rodger, 2014, p. 38). This was when Elliot recounted his first-time exposure to pornography by catching a teenager watch it in an arcade called Planet Cyber.  He re-called it as a traumatizing experience, confused on why such an explicit thing would be considered as “love”. Despite this, his innocence was damaged by this accidental exposure. Though he did feel aroused, he was more guilty and confused.

“One time while I was alone at Planet Cyber, I saw an older teenager watching pornography. I saw in detail a video of a man having sex with a hot girl …  I didn’t know anything about sex at the time. I barely even knew what sex was. I was slowly starting to develop sexual feelings for hot girls, but I didn’t know what to do with them. To see this video really traumatized me. I had no idea what I was seeing… I couldn’t imagine human beings doing such things with each other. The sight was shocking, traumatizing, and arousing. All of these feelings mixed together took a great toll on me. I walked home and cried by myself  for a bit.” (Rodger, 2014, p. 38-39)

This was the pinnacle of Elliot’s misery. A kid who searched for validation with his looks, now searched for it in sexual gratification as well. He only found himself loved if people flocked over to him. Furthermore, he had this distorted mindset that his worth is only measured by how many girls he could get and how fast he'd lose his virginity. This can be akin to the stereotypical portrayals of boys in media that often influenced teens and their concept of self-worth: the "cool" guys having lots of girls, while nerds and "losers" have none.

With this type of thinking, he tried his best to gain things that he thought women would like, yet he did little to no effort to actually get to know them and socialize. He believed that just because he had what others wanted or did not, people would love him. According to his friends, they thought he was almost always one-sided, expecting women to just swoon over him because he has things that are desirable.

ENTITLEMENT

Furthermore, despite his initial pleasant middle school years at Pinecrest High, such as dancing with a girl during a school dance (Rodger, 2014, p. 29), socializing eventually became difficult for Elliot. Often, this is because of  his appearance, where he experienced bullying because of his height. According to his friends, he barely talked to women but still complained no woman wanted to talk to him. 

Elliot was easily persuaded and subjected to peer-pressure because he had no clear identity. He always followed what was the trend because it made him feel less insecure about himself, since it was what he thought the people accepted and desired.

Despite his insecurities, Elliot had a fine record for being privileged, which he used to his advantage to "fix" certain qualities in himself that he deemed undesirable. Ever since he was younger, he often used his wealth to modify certain aspects of himself, even the smallest things: dyeing his hair blonde, purchasing designer clothes to appear more attractive and rich, purchasing mass amounts of body-building pills, and only picking up hobbies such as skateboarding and basketball solely because he found them useful in climbing up the social ladder.

Elliot also had a strong dislike for people who did not support his motivations. He expressed a strong resentment toward is step-mother, Soumaya, because of her assertive nature. He considered his dad to be “weak” for following her orders around, when in truth, she was only trying to teach Elliot a lesson about independence. 

“Not only did she kick me out of father’s house, but she forbade me to go there even for a short visit. And still, father didn’t do anything about it. Father kept saying that the house is her house as much as his, and that she has the right to kick me out. No! I am the eldest son! The house should be MY house before hers! This caused any respect I still had for my father to fade away completely. It was such a betrayal, to put his second wife before his eldest son. What kind of father would do that? The bitch must be really good to him in bed, I figured. What a weak man.” (Rodger, 2014, p. 62)

At his step-mother’s insistence, Elliot began looking for a job and eventually found work from a family friend who offered him a job for a house construction project. He felt more comfortable with it, seeing the job as helping rather than typical employment. After getting his driver’s license, Elliot enrolled in summer classes at Moorpark College but struggled with attendance, again, due to his jealousy of campus couples.

He dropped out midway through, briefly worked as a janitor at an airport office, and quit after one day. Knowing his mother would be upset, he re-enrolled at Moorpark but eventually dropped out again (Rodger, 2014, p. 70). Upon learning of Elliot’s decision to drop out again, his parents decided he would move to Santa Barbara, where he would live alone in an apartment paid for by his mother, receive a $500 monthly allowance from his father, and enroll in classes at Santa Barbara Community College (Rodger, 2014, p. 77). 

CONCLUSION

Elliot is very persistent on the idea that to be accepted, he needed to be loved, when in truth, he couldn't bear to accept himself. No one has absolutely any obligation to love someone because the other sees it as a form of validation. Self-worth comes from yourself, not from others. Due to Elliot’s constant fixation on trying to be accepted, he lost the identity that made him authentic and genuine. He lost what other people could not give him: self-worth.

Concluding, Elliot Rodger is a complex individual that cannot be summed up to one set character. He is not solely “pure evil”, he is a person with a background that influenced his decisions. He is not less deserving of humanity or empathy because just like others, he had also felt humane emotions. With criminals, it is always important to remember that to understand a certain event or phenomena of crime, we also have to understand not just the perpetrator that the media portrays, which is often easily pushed into a oversimplified narrative of “pure evil”; we must also consider the genuine person behind the crime. 

While it is important to recognize that these are profoundly disturbed individuals who must be held accountable for their actions, it is also crucial to understand that despite their crimes, they still remain human. Although, this does not mean that his background excuses or condones his actions. It only provides a framework to comprehensively understand both the case and the criminal behind it. 

[transalpha-coining]

Transalpha Headcanon Glossary

This post is subject to update and change if a term has not been posted yet!

Main Dynamics:

α Alpha - Trinary 🡥

β Beta - Trinary 🡥

ω Omega - Trinary 🡥

ι Iota - Dynamic Intersex 🡥

ρ Rho - Non-Trinary 🡥

Rho Umbrella 1 (Trinary-Related):

σ Sigma - "Alphanine" / Alpha equivalent to Masculine,etc.

ζ Zeta - "Betanine"

κ Kappa - "Omeganine"

δ Delta - Any Alpha/Beta Combination 🡥

γ Gamma - Any Beta/Omega Combination 🡥

θ Theta - Any Alpha/Omega Combination

ϝ Digamma - Any Alpha/Beta/Omega Combination

λ Lambda - Fourth Dynamic / Outherine 🡥

ϻ San - Adynamic/Dynamicvoid/Dynamicless 🡥

Rho Umbrella 2:

η Eta - Any Neutral Dynamic

[desireesart]

Happy birthday to me!

Today is my birthday.

Just recently there were still 101 of us But now, my dear readers are already 158!

This is a great achievement for me!

Thanks to everyone who joined and follows my work!

✦SUPPORT ME✦

[thegoatedguard]

Uhh.. hey.

I'm Cassiopeia. Call me Cassie. I'm only apart of the guard cuz' I get paid well.

Don't really care about humans. I spend a bunch of time in Snowdin.

Parents aren't around anymore. Not too sure what to post about.

Might catch me at Grillbys, if you're lucky, and my boss doesn't breathe down my neck 'bout skippin' my post to go.

[Inventory: Pile of Fireworks, Glasses Cleaning Wipes, Guard Guidebook, Bead Necklace, "radical makeup".]

[G: 10005]

(OOC UNDER CUT.)

hi, dawn aka alt!kanako mod here! another oc on my end.

shes still getting art and will get her own infopost eventually.

same rules from other blog apply!

[kyriat-sims]

I used to fear patch day, and honestly, I still do.

But it is also reason to celebrate! Some things will be fixed. There will be improvements. It prepare us for new, nice things (like horses). We need the patches.

So I put my fear aside and will boldly patch my game. I will take out my mods for a few days, and will now have the chance to play vanilla. That is usually eyeopening, and frustrating after a while, and then I will love my mods even more when I can update them and put them back.

Happy patch day!

💃🌸🎈

[coolmagoloraskblog]

okay there's gonna be some asks posted in the next hours! but i still have more in progress!

[hermitroom]

easy to miss content in coe, a non-exhaustive list 

(this just applies to base game, i’ll update this if i discover more)

chapters 1-3 have no text you can really miss, so just examine everything and you should be fine.

chapter 4 has a lot of missable stuff. i think we all know about the kanou flag & how to get it, but...kanou also has unique dialogue if you talk to him with the guy in the nap room, in one of the bathrooms, and with the guy you see dying when you first enter chapter 4.

the woman who asks you to find her friends is also easily missable. 

there’s also...the text when you go insane. most of it isn’t too notable but certain ones around areas where there are a lot of books can be interesting: if you go insane in the room with all the books (the one with pochi’s growth diary) you’ll find out the text on the books spells ‘why did you kill your mother and younger brother reiji’. syllable by syllable. yes it is an extreme pain in the ass to get. 

there’s also a couple other things scattered around tied to the books & reading them while insane but not as much as in other chapters

not much in chapter 5 other than kanou flag dialogue.

chapter 6 has a lot of stuff. atou’s phone has a tracker on it and you can choose to take it off or keep it on (this will be talked about later).

there’s also a book in this chapter that only appears on a playthrough after you’ve cleared s+ and only appears once, meaning you can only read it once and it will disappear. i posted the translated text but if you’re playing through the game and want to access it send me a dm and i’ll toss you a save file so you don’t have to go through all of chapter 6. 

there’s some interesting dialogue while insane (you can examine the books in the guestrooms) but by and large it feels like there’s a bit less than chapter 6.

chapter 7: ...the ‘insane’ dialogue when examining things in this chapter has more complete sentences. there’s a lot of ‘you killed everyone’, ‘headless rat’, etc.

notably, in the people of akasha room you’ll see dialogue like ‘seodore, you should’ve been an angel, so why did you betray us’ 

examining ‘a note about the grapevine’ from sanemitsu while insane gets ‘you traitor’ 

the tokairirichi puzzle, examined while insane, will say ‘stella’ 

and, of course, the note in the room where you find kazue’s final CD that says ‘this is not the start of a nightmare but the end of a peaceful dream’ can also be examined in vision shift to get the only instance of blue text in the base game itself (i previously said ‘while insane’. this was my misread i apologize)  

in chapter 8: (i think this is chapter 8 but it might be chapter 7)...when you’re walking around with isoi in the main building he will have unique dialogue for a lot of the rooms, unlike kanou: he comments on enomoto if you go into her room, he comments on harada & utsugi if you go into the library, he talks about jabuchi in his room...etc. he also has unique dialogue depending on whether you took the tracker off the phone or not (if you go back to the room where you first found the phone)

i tried to include everything i remembered but i’m sure this isn’t all of it, let me know or feel free to add on if there’s anything you know about i didn’t put here