#Im a burden to my friends if I do talk to them (which I try not to so they don’t have to deal with me) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vnti-vntiety-recs · 6 months

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GUARDIAN GLOVES (M)

★ PAIRING: Boxer! Jeno x Reader

☆ WORD COUNT: 12k

★ GENRE(S): Brother’s Bestfriend AU, Childhood Friend AU?, Smut

☆ SUMMARY: No matter how badly you want to start over, your rebellious past follows you to college, and you can't run from it forever Your brother Jaemin was your rock growing up, but now that he has left for an out-of-state university, he can no longer save you. You do not want to burden your brother's best friend, but he might be the only one who can save you from the person of your past who refuses to let you go.

★ ☆ WARNINGS: Unprotected sex, sexual intercourse, fighting, harassment, and stalking, mentions of violence, guns and drugs, abusive relationships.

☆★ NOTES: Read with caution, please; some scenes can be intense. Leave nice comments, please <3

It was a mistake; you knew it was a mistake; your brother and friends both told you so. Now, due to the enormous amounts of red flags you have ignored, you have found yourself in some hot water. What can you say? Love makes you blind.

“You cant keep putting up with this! We need to do something,” your friend Ryujin stressed “This has been going on for too long; im scared something serious might happen” You were worried that wrinkles might form from how much shes been furrowing her brow.

“Im fine! Its not even that serious, ok? Just drop it,” you say, sitting on your bed with your head buried in your hands as your roommate paced the dorm room. You had never seen her so upset.

“No! I will not sit here while my best friend gets harassed! We need to report this!”

“We are NOT reporting this ryu; that will only make things worse.” you sigh before sitting back to look your friend dead in the eyes

“He pushed you down the stairs!?”

“It was a mistake!”

You met Yuta during your junior year of high school. He was your typical run-of-the mill bad boy; he skipped classes, hung out late, and got high. You knew he was trouble, but that was what you wanted. You grew up rebellious; you were young and dumb. You just wanted attention, and hanging with the wrong crowd got you plenty. You felt unstoppable when you were with Yuta and his crew. When Yuta would parade you around school in your too-short skirt and pretty long legs, you felt special; you felt wanted. Your friends hated him, and they hated what you became. You didn’t listen to their warnings, and you stuck around.

You stuck around even when skipped classes turned into stolen cars and the weed highs turned into selling. You were stupid to think you could keep up with his lifestyle. You just wanted to piss your family off. You were used to bad boys, but Yuta was something else.

She takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself “Look, he's clearly getting bold; I'm afraid he’ll seriously hurt you!”

“Please, drop it,” you beg in exhaustion. Its been a long day. You had classes all day, and with your yuta problem, you found yourself getting tired a lot faster. You had to turn in his class work on top of yours, which resulted in more time spent in the library. You had been getting home later and later.

“What about Jaemin? Have you told him? You know he would do anything for you.”

Your brother left for college the year before you. You couldn't ask him to fight your battles anymore. He got a full ride and was off in another state, living his life, while you were at home bawling your eyes out over the fact that the heartbreaking bad boy broke your heart.

You had finally broken up with Yuta when you realized he was cheating on you. You should have seen it coming, honestly, The day you checked his phone and found the messages, he didnt even try to pretend like he cared. He had been talking to several other girls while he was with you. You felt so stupid, and that was your last straw. Let us just say he was not happy about it, and he and his friends have been harassing you since.

“That's exactly why I can't tell him; I don't need him flying out just to take care of my issues; I can handle them on my own. He's got his own life; he can't afford any more distractions.”

Your brother was practically your hero growing up. Whenever you were in trouble, he was by your side to protect you. Even though he was really only your stepbrother, he didn’t love you any less. You would always be his little sister.

Jaemin had been in and out of the boxing ring for years. Bad boyfriends weren't anything new to you or him; he was the one who typically kept them in check. You were the main reason he picked up fighting; he knew, as your older brother, it was his job to protect you, and he would do it to his last breath. He tried to warn you about Yuta, but you didn't listen. You knew he would drop anything if it meant coming to your aid, but you couldn't ask that of him.

You also know he would never let you live it down.

You thought once high school was over, you would finally be able to escape Yuta’s torment, but he followed you to your new school. Your brother warned you about him, and now he's not here to protect you anymore.

"Ok, what about Jeno?” She states hesitantly,

“Absolutely NOT!” you scowl, throwing yourself back into the sheets to hide under the covers

“Yes! Jaemin literally told you to go to him if you need anything! He probably knew you would be too proud to contact him if you were in trouble.”

You sit back up and throw the covers off of you. “It’s not his problem! I got myself into this mess. I'll get myself out, ok?” you state firmly

"Fine, you know what fine, its getting late I’m heading to bed…but I swear if he—”

"Ok, Ryujin, thanks really,” you say sincerely. You could never be mad at Ryujin; she was only looking out for you, and you knew she meant well. For all that it was worth, you knew she would always have your back. She would run head-first into battle for you.

You could definitely be mad at Ryujin. In fact, you've been upset for the last hour.

She promised a surprise for you; she said she wanted to take you somewhere to take your mind off of the whole Y*ta situation. Honestly, you were grateful to be getting out of the house; you had been limiting yourself to only going to classes. You were trying your hardest to not run into him.

You make sure to dress prettily. You were just too excited to finally have a reason to dress up again. You were so excited, you didn't even blink at the all-too-familiar signs and buildings as Ryujin pulled into the parking lot of a run-down boxing gym.

It's not until you have walked into the threshold and over to the rusty sideline benches that you feel overdressed and out of place. Your eyes scan the room, and everything feels so familiar yet out of place that you feel stupid for not realizing sooner.

As your eyes take in the old tattered banners and boxing ring, you realize you were walked blind into your brother's old gym. He and Jeno used to come here all the time to spar and train. This place used to run official matches and business, but it went bankrupt and had to close. Now it was just a place that hosted underground fighting.

You knew what this was about, and you were upset that Ryujin fooled you into coming. You crossed your arms protectively over your chest, and you had hungry eyes staring at you from each angle.

“You...are... insane,” you hissed at her in anger after you two got settled in your seats.

“And you are a coward. I'm sorry I lied Ok, but we need his help,” she contests

“You just walked me into a den full of hungry wolves. We're gonna need a lot more than help now!” You whisper harshly.

"Oh, come on, you know jeno’s not gonna let anything happen to you”

It was as if saying his name aloud summoned him; the next thing you know, he is in the ring.

You can't help but hold your breath at the sight. He had grown since the last time you saw him, and you didn't even think that was possible. His face was more refined and sculpted, and his arms were toned with muscles. His shoulders would have had you drooling if it weren’t for the perdicament you were in. They were broad and covered in cuts and bruises, much like the rest of his body. His body relaxes as he shakes away his nerves. He was standing in one corner of the ring, while his opponent stood menacingly at the other end. You think you hear the announcer call out his name—was it Jaehyung? Jaehyoon? Something like that.

You try to duck your head, not wanting to be seen, but you stand out like a sore thumb. As Jeno finished up his quick stretches, his eyes somehow wandered to you. First comes shock, then confusion, and as he rakes his eyes over your outfit, he’s overcome with anger.

Tonight was going to be a long night.

You could hear the scolding now…

”it's too cold to be wearing that”

“it's too dangerous for you to be here”

“This isn't some show; don't bring your friends here”

It wasn't even your fault you were here! You already knew he was not going to hear any of that, though.

He fixes you with a stare that says, “We’ll talk later,” and you groan in annoyance.

Before you can even open your mouth to give Ryujin another piece of your mind, the match begins and draws your attention back to the ring.

Jeno sizes up his opponent as they circle each other, looking for openings. His opponent, Jae Something, was twice his size, and honestly, you were a little afraid for Jenos sake. Jae was inpatient and struck first. Jenos weaves left and holds his guard strong. Jeno played the defense; he was patient, and you find that his fighting style was the mirror opposite of his personality. Even though Jeno had a tendency to lose his temper, it was fascinating to watch him change when he stepped into the ring. He moved with poise and thoughtfulness at every turn.

Jenos patience rewarded him and he saw an opening In his opponents gaurd. He struck Jae, causing him to stumble back on unsecure footing. This allowed jeno to push his opponent back and switch to offense. Jae was already worn out, and Jeno used this to his advantage, knocking him down and out after hounding him with jabs and hooks.

Jeno was an endurance fighter; his goal wasn't to win through brutality but by outlasting his opponent in a fight.

You were amazed at how far he had come. He was a skilled fighter, as he always had been, but now, after years of honing his craft, you could see he was nothing like the boy you knew before.

The match was over and you were brought back to reality as you realized just what kind of scene you were in. This was an illegal boxing match, and now that it was over, the illegal part really started to stand out. Bets had been placed on the matches before hand and were now being fulfilled. Money was being passed around, and some exchanges even turned aggressive. You knew Jeno had probably wanted you to stick around for your lashings, but this was your queue to get the fuck out of there. You grab Ryujin's hand and try to lead her away from the ever-increasingly aggravated crowd. You navigate through groups of people as you hurry towards the exit.

On your way, you trip over your stupid heels that Ryujin convinced you to wear and accidentally bump shoulders with someone. You find your footing and apologize. You try to walk away, pulling Ryujin behind you, but feel a rough hand on your shoulder pulling you back.

“Where do you think your going?” a gravelly voice calls out.

“I already apologized; let me go,” you grit out, trying to pull away from the man. He was a little bit taller than you and was twice your age. You noticed the wad of cash in one of his hands and the sickishly sweet smile on his face, and you figured he must have placed a winning bet.

“Don't be like that; how about I take you and your friend here out and we go somewhere private” he says while flashing his money. “Of course you'll have to work for it if you want a tip,” he says repulsively.

From the corner of your eye, you see Jeno pushing through the crowd. The look on his face gives you the chills.

“Don’t be scared, baby; I don't bite,” the man says.

Oh, you’re not scared of him; your scared for him.

You know what's coming before it happens, and the man is on the ground in seconds. His money flits through the air before joining him on the ground. The man is clutching his face, and before Jeno can get his hands on him again, men dressed in all black pull the man to his feet and drag him out. You figured they must have been something like security.

Everything happens so fast, but all you know is that you and Ryujin are both being pulled by an angry Jeno deeper into the building into some back room. Ryujin looks a bit shaken, but you assure her everything is okay now.

It was dark and chilly in the room. The cement walls offered no warmth as you stood in the middle of what you assumed to be an old locker room. The back of the building was really coming apart; water leaked from the ceiling, and it smelled like mildew. No one really occupies the space anymore.

Now occupying the space were Jeno,currently trying to reel in his nerves as he drags a hand down his face; Ryujin, shifting from one foot to another awkwardly; and you, who crossed your arms definitely over your chest as you waited for Jeno’s reprimanding.

“You know what I'm going to say,” he huffs.

“I'm sorry, it's really not her fault I'm the one who drug her here; I didn't realize how dangerous it would be” Ryujin tried to defend you, but she didn't know Jeno like you did. He wasnt one for excuses.

“Who are you?” He asks dismissively.

Jeno had never met Ryujin before. Ryujin had only heard about him through the stories you would tell her about growing up with him and your brother.

“Im a friend; we didn’t come here without a reason we wanted to—” She says but doesnt get to finish

"Jeno, dont be rude. She was only trying to help.” You interrupt. You could not have her bring that up now; you needed his attention back on you.

“I'm sorry, Ryujin. Can you give us a moment?” He sighs in apology.

Ryujin gives you a look but takes the hint and doesn't push the topic again. She reluctantly walks to the door and waits outside the room.

Once the door shuts behind her, Jeno wastes no time telling you off. “I dont know why your here or whats going on but you need to leave. You know better than this,” he scolds

You wanted to jump off a cliff. This is absolutely not how you wanted to meet him again. You had imagined this meeting a thousand times in your head. When you finally reconnected, you were supposed to show him how mature you had gotten. This whole fiasco definitely sets you back 10 steps.

“I wouldn't be here …I wouldn't be dressed like this if I had known we would end up here. It was a mistake. We'll leave, ok?" You say arms crossed and closed off as you dig your heel into the ground.

Even after all this time, he still had a soft spot for you. No matter how hard he tried to be stern with you, one look at the pout on your face made him feel bad. He walks over and closes the small distance between you two. He engulfs you in a hug, and you’re reminded of home. He reminds you so much of your past that it makes you nostalgic. He kisses the top of your head affectionately and lets go, and you’re reminded just how smelly and musty he is as his sticky skin peels from yours.

“Gross,” you grumble

“I think you'll live,” he jokes with a smile. He's a lot calmer now. He leans down to meet your gaze “I'm sorry for being hard on you; I was just worried. You popped up out of nowhere after all this time.

It was so easy to fall back in step with him. You want to tell him everything; all you want is for him to fix everything, but you are no longer that little girl, and you are determined to prove it.

You’re deep in thought when he asks, “Is everything OK, Storm?”

Your heart skips a beat at the nickname; you haven't heard that in awhile. He's always called you that; when you asked him why, he told you it was because you would stir up so much trouble wherever you went, growing up like a storm. It may have sounded negative, but he didn’t mean it like that. He always said it affectionately.

“I'm fine; Ryujin brought me here because I said I missed home. She wanted to take me around to some familiar places. I guess she didn't know what really went down at this place” You try to cover up the truth.

Your campus wasn't too far from your hometown, and you go home almost every weekend, but hopefully Jeno doesn’t know that and buys the story.

He looks a bit sceptical. "Lately, its been hard to come by you,” he says “Are you sure your not in any trouble?”

"I've just been busy with school; its nothing really,” you explain.

He just nods, and you know he does not believe it, but he doesn’t pry either. “Lets get you home; it's getting late”

When you open the door, Ryujin falls forward, clearly listening in and she gives you a sheepish smile. You grab her arm and pull her along as jeno personally escorts you out and to ryujin's car.

He holds your door open for you and watches as you clamber inside before buckling your seat belt and closing your door for you. You internally groan in annoyance. He was never going to see you as anything but the 7th grade version of you that he first met. The girl needed her brother to save her from herself.

You are grown now!

He can practically see the words printed on your forehead as he huckles to himself. He didn’t care; he would always take care of you, no matter how much you hated him for it.

He motions for you to roll down the window before leaning into the car and caressing your face affectionately with his rough, bruised hand. You decide right then that you would never let him get hurt for your sake. He’s fought enough.

“If you need anything, call, ok?” He says this before drawing his hand back. You don't respond, and he quirks an eyebrow.

"Ok,” You grumble

“You have my number, right?”

“Yes!” You say a bit louder in annoyance.

"Ok, ok, I'm just checking, you never reach out, I just want to make sure your okay,” he continues

“Actually, can I take your number? I'm practically her guardian now. I'll make sure to keep you updated if she needs anything” Your friend butts in with a smile.

Jeno happily gives her his number, and you just sit in the passenger seat like a child, watching as your parents fuss over you.

You are grown now!

Mondays are the worst days of the week, not because you have to go back to classes. You loved class, you loved learning and you loved your teachers. It wasn’t until college that you found out that you really enjoyed learning. Yuta would have definitely laughed at you if you told him that in high school.

Yuta was the reason you hated Mondays. Mondays were the worst because they meant no more hiding. You couldn't stay in all day; you had to go to class, and that meant running into the devil. You were lucky enough to only have one class with Yuta, and that class only met on Mondays.

You find your way to your seat at the back of the class, hoping to hide away from him, but you know he will find you. You felt his presence as he slipped into the seat next to you.

“Morning doll, did you get my text?”

You hated when he texted you; it was always a disturbing photo. Last time you opened a text from him, it was a video of him fucking some girl in a dark alleyway. In the video, he made the girl drop to her knees and open her mouth. He pressed the barrel of his gun into her mouth and made her suck it off. ‘Wish this was you’ was the text he sent after the video.

Since then, you have made it a point not to open his texts, but it seems like he wasn't going to let this one go.

“I’ve been busy; i hadnt had the chance to”

"Well, that's no good doll; why don't you open it now?” he smirks wickedly.

“I dont think—”

“Open it,” The playfulness slips off of his face and replaced with seriousness

You never noticed it before, but Yuta could be terrifying. He never showed this side to you before, but your certain this was the side everyone else saw. He made a promise to follow you to the end of the earth, and so far he has kept true to it.

He had gone from being your high school’s bad boy to the campus’s star athlete. Yuta had completely rebranded himself after graduation, and it made it even harder to report him. No one would believe you. He would just spin the story and make you out to be some bitter ex, making up lies to try to ruin his college career.

With shaky hands, you unlock your phone and go to your messages, clicking on the conversation with the unsaved number attached to it. There, you find a video waiting for you. You turn your volume all the way down and hit play. This time, it was a video of you a few nights ago, exiting the gym with Ryujin and Jeno. The camera work was shaky, and it seemed to have been taken from behind a car or a bushr? You couldnt tell but your heart was beating outside your chest.

Your eyes are glued to the screen as you feel a firm hand caress your tense shoulder until it grips the back of your neck. "Now why does it look like my doll is cheating” You freeze in place as your mouth hangs open. “Who is that?” he asks.

You had no idea he was following you. How long had he been following you? The grip on your neck tightens.

“Answer me,” he whispers cruelly, his eyes darkening with rage.

“He’s no one” tears well up in your eyes. Ryujin was right; this was getting out of hand.

“Let me catch you with him again; I'll make you regret it,” he whispers. He kisses the side of your head and breathes in the scent of your shampoo. He releases you, and you release the breath you had been holding.

You can barely pay attention to anything your professor is saying; you just stare blankly at the front of the room.

You sent Ryujin a text to meet you in the library. You hated to dump all of this on her but you had to talk to someone. You could already tell she was frustrated with you about the situation, but she was the only one you could confide in. With her around, you didn't feel so alone in this.

“He did what?!”

“Its ok, if I do what he says, everything will be fine; i have it under control,” you reply sheepishly

“No! You need to report his creepy ass to the cops!” she yells in disbelief.

“Keep it down; we’re in a library,” you remind her

“Dont try to change the subject,” she whispers

“I'll figure this out”

“We will figure this out.” she says, grabbing your hand and giving it a supportive squeeze.

When she lets go of your hand, hers slip under the table. You don't see it, but she’s texting someone, typing furiously before hitting send.

You try not to be mad at Ryujin, but you can't believe she went behind your back and snitched. Now, here in front of you, sits the last man on earth that you want to worry. Ryujin mouths a sorry and sends you an apologetic look. Jeno had arrived about ten minutes earlier, and he looked to be trying to keep his calm before confronting the matter.

“Is this some intervention?” you joke to lighten the mood.

“Ryujin told me everything; do you think this is a joke?” He questioned, trying to stay patient with you. “Why didnt you tell me sooner”

You sigh, feeling ashamed. Everything was always so tense between you two. You had grown apart over the years, and it was difficult to think he was once like a second brother to you. But time was not the only factor to blame; high school also played a part. Puberty changed everything. It changed you, it changed jeno, and it definitely changed how you felt towards him. You had such a massive crush on him in high school that even your brother found it hard to ignore. You made Jaemin swear to secrecy and never tell a soul. If you had known Ryujin was going to call Jeno, you would have sucked it up and reached out to your brother.

You didn’t want Jeno to get involved. You kept telling yourself you didn't want him to get hurt, but you had to be honest with yourself. There was another reason you didn't want to ask for his help, and it was because you were still embarrassed. Anything was better than sitting in front of the man who rejected you.

Summer freshman year of highschool

You thought you had finally grown up in his eyes; you thought your newfound curves were enough to make him see you as more than “Jaem’s little sister.” You thought you could fool yourself into believing you had a chance.

It wasnt abnormal for jeno to sleep over at your place during highschool. He would crash in Jaemin’s room and eat breakfast with your family, like he lived there. One night, you catch him alone and tell him how you feel. You waited for him outside the bathroom. He was showering, and you were certain your brother was too engulfed in his game to interrupt you. Jeno had exited the bathroom wearing sweats and a tanktop, drying his hair with a towel. He had almost walked right by, not noticing you. You stood in front of him wearing a similar white tanktop and sleeping shorts, your nipples poking through the fabric of your shirt. You were so sure you would have his attention, but he just tentatively acknowledged you.

“Im sorry, was i taking too long?” he asked apologetically

"No, i actually wanted to talk to you about something”

He just nods his head and waits for you to continue

“I really like you, and I was hoping I could spend more time with you... just uh… the two of us,” you said shyly, unable to find the right words.

You couldnt meet his eye and stare at a random spot on the carpet

You felt a gentle hand stroke your head affectionately. You look up, hopefully but your world comes crashing down with his next few words

“Your like a sister to me; of course we can hang out more,” he smiles brightly, unknowingly ripping your heart out

Ever since that night, you have avoided him like the plague.

‘I just didn't want to worry you or jaem.” you say, ashamed.

“I won't tell him but if you think I'm going to sit back and let this happen, your wrong”

“I didn’t think it was that much of an issue yet.” you say, picking at your sleeves.

Jenos eyes harden with disbelief “Are you serious? Not much of an issue?” he grits “Hes threatening you”

"Ok, ok, your right; I shouldn't be taking this lightly” You try to soothe things over with a weak smile.

“Give me your phone,” he says, holding out his hand

You unlock it and hand it to him, unsure of what he's going to do. After messing around with it, he hands it back. “I blocked him; dont even think about texting him again.” he warns

“Jeno! I have to; hes going to be pissed!” You take your phone back, looking through your messages, but you’re unable to find the conversation again. You didn't realize how much control he had over you. You thought all you had to do was follow his orders, and you would be alright; one day he would just get bored of you and stop.

“Don't you hear yourself? Your scared!” he yells. He hated seeing you like this. He promised Jaemin that he would watch after you, but here he was, blind to the cruelty that you had endured. “Once this is all over, I'm telling Jaem.”

(¬_¬) snitch

He gets up, preparing to leave, while both you and Ryujin stare at each other. Well, you glare at her while she communicates a response with her eyes in return. He doesn’t turn to leave before saying one last thing: “Keep your phone on you at all times, and I'll be walking you from your classes from here on out,” he states sternly.

“I dont know if that’s a good idea; he told me not—”

“Are you more afraid of him or me?” he asks you

Point taken.

You wait until Jeno is out of earshot before you whisper yell at your friend, “I told you not to tell him!”

“I had to! I was worried”

"Well, great, now he's worried and probably thinks I'm an irresponsible idiot!”

"Well, you are,” she counters, “whats your deal anyway? You seriously think Yuta is just going to leave you alone? He's gonna end up killing you!” she scolds.

You take a moment to process her words. She had a point, but she didn't know Yuta like you did; neither of them did. He was dangerous. You just wanted to keep your friends safe, but you might have gotten in over your head.

You finally make it to your destination; you drove to the old gym, hoping to find Jeno. You could have called or texted him, but you knew it would be easier to get your point across in person. You had at least wanted to let him know what he was getting himself into. Yuta was dangerous, and no matter how strong Jeno was, he wasn't bulletproof.

You park your cute little beetle and cringe; you definitely didn't belong in this scene, and everyone around was going to know it. A sticker-bombed Volkswagen Beetle in the middle of the parking lot of a broken-down and shady gym? Perfect combo!

Luckily, there were only a few cars tonight. You figured it must not be fight night, and you prayed that you found Jeno inside. You gather up your courage and march inside. You make your way down a narrow hallway that opens up into the main gym, and that's where you find him. There were a few other fighters occupying the space, but they seemed to be wrapping up. Jeno must not be the only one who comes here to let off steam, you assume.

"Oh, who's this cute thing?” one of the guys says as you catch his eye on his way out.

“I wouldn't do that if I were you Haechan; thats Jenos Girl,” another voice says, coming up behind him before slinging an arm over his shoulder. “Excuse him,” he says politely before pulling Haechan away and scolding him.

The one that wasn’t Haechan was there the night Jeno punched that weirdo out. Apparently the whole gym knew you as Jeno’s girl, according to his rambling. Their arguing fades away and the last thing you hear before complete silence is “Get off me Renjun your musty”

You laugh to yourself before scanning the room, and you bring your eyes back to the man nestled in the corner. He's facing a punching bag with his hands tightly wrapped and his headphones secure on his head. He wasn't still for a second, staying light on his feet as he threw a few hooks at the bag.

You were almost afraid to accidentally sneak up on him because that would not end well. You stay cautious and keep a safe distance, choosing to call his name a few times to get his attention. Your practically screaming, but he can't hear you. You wonder what brand of headphones he had because that noise cancellation was crazy! You choose a different approach and spot a disregarded boxing glove on a side table. You walk the short distance, grab the item and chunk it at the back of Jeno’s head.

Now clearly, you weren’t trying to poke a bear. You were aiming more towards his broad shoulders, given that was a better target, but your aim was off, and you almost knocked the expensive-looking headphone off his head.

Jeno whips around angrily, opening his mouth to curse, but stops himself short once he notices you. He settles for a deep, exasperated sigh and a sharp glare. He must have been at it for awhile because he was drenched in sweat, and his bangs hung messily in his eyes and were dripping sweat. He pushed the wet hair back from his eyes, showing his forehead. He looked so good when he was angry; his eyes were narrowed dangerously, and his chest heaved heavily.

“Why are you fucking with me?” He says this, coldly pulling his headphones off his ears and letting them hang around his neck "You better have a good reason for being here when there is a psycho after you. I clearly remember telling you to stay away from this place?”

Oh yeah, you definitely poked the bear. Hes pissed.

“Are you sure you want to get involved?” You try to find your words. “Yuta isnt like the little boys you and jaemin used to beat up in highschool”

“You could never keep yourself out of trouble, huh?”

“I'm not asking for your help!”

“Drop the act for once, would you? Your not tough so stop acting like it!”

“I’m not being tough; I just don't want to be a bother! I'm not the same kid! When I’m falling, you always save me, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being weak. I don't need your help, so why don’t you drop the older brother act? Your barely even older than me!” You pitch back

“Jaemin told me to look out for you so thats what im doing,” he huffs

“And that's your only reason, right? Your just looking out for me because my brother said so” you scoff, trying to keep the hurt out of your voice. " How about this? I take you in the ring and show you what I got. Let me show you I can take care of myself” You cross your arms and send him a defiant look.

“Are you seriously—” he cuts himself off, shaking his head in disbelief “You know what fine. Show me what you got”

You smile in triumph and walk over to the center of the gym, where the ring sits. You take off your shoes and crawl inside. The mat felt cool under your feet; it was a grounding sensation, and just once you understood why Jeno loved standing in it, even if it meant fighting. You scan the gym, and memories fill in all the rust, broken pipes and holes in the wall as you remember what the gym used to be. Your stuck in a trance until you feel something soft but firm hit you in the head, knocking you from your daydream.

“That was payback…. but you also need to be mindful of your surroundings. Not starting off so well, angel,” Jeno says, shaking his head as he adjusts the punching mitts over his hands.

You’re brought back to the present and finally notice the boxing gloves at your feet. You get the memo and put them on.

“This can't be too hard,” you mutter to yourself.

Your both centered in the ring and you focus on jenos movements. You grew up being dragged to almost all of your brother's matches; you figured you had watched long enough to catch on to some moves. You throw a punch at Jenos mitt, and he cushions the blow. He lets you get comfortable throwing a few punches before he counters. He makes his movements very big and obvious; you can see his strike from a mile away. You weave under it and throw a punch at his gaurding mitt.

Hes going easy on you

You continue to spar, and Jeno is in full coach mode. He's guiding you in the correct stance and helping you learn what to look for when someone strikes. You've been at it for about 30 minutes now, and you've gotten faster at dodging and reading his movements. He’s still going extremely easy on you, but upping the ante just a little. You were completely absorbed in the lesson.

“Nice hook, put you jab lacks power,” he instructs.

You were good at putting your body into your hooks, but you just couldn't build enough momentum for a strong jab. You try again, but it falls flat, and Jeno shakes his head.

“Follow through; come on, try it again,” he encourages you. You take a breath and send a jab into his mitt. Still not enough.

Jeno takes off the mitts and moves in closer towards you.

"Here, watch me,” he says, raising his gaurd and striking the air. “You want to step into it, see?” He shows you again, a little bit slower.

You give a determined hum and copy his movement, but you can tell by Jeno’s face that you're missing the mark.

"Ok, come here; let me show you” Jeno moves in behind you and grabs your arms. He helps you fix your posture and you instantly heat up at the contact. You try to keep it together, but the way his chest was pressed up against your back and the way he was breathing heavily in your ear had you reeling. "Ok, now focus, step into it and jab.”

He moves one hand down to your waist and pushes you forward, guiding your step, while the other helps you jab. He was so close. You wanted to blame the sudden weakness in your limbs on the endless training he has you doing, but you know its from the heat of his body.

“Are you okay? That one was really weak. Are you shaking?” Jeno looks at you from over your shoulder, worried.

You meet his gaze and nod silently. He's so close. His lips are a breath away, and all you have to do is turn your head to meet his lips. The hand holding your waist travels up your side and grabs your chin. He tilts your head up a little, and his lips are meeting yours. You turn in his grasp and kiss him back. His lips are so soft, and when you pull away, you immediately miss the feeling of his lips on yours.

“I'm sorry; I shouldn't have done that,” he says softly.

Before you can protest, he pulls away from you, cleans up the equipment you two used, and calls it a night. You let him walk you to your car, and you say nothing before you drive away. If it wasn't awkward before, it definitely would be now.

How could he kiss you and then pretend like nothing happened? You’re too embarrassed to bring it up again. Does this count as being rejected for a second time? Nah, he kissed you; you're not taking another L.

It had been a week so far, and Jeno had shown up promptly to all your classes. He shouldered your bags and carried your books as you both walked across campus. Neither of you brought up the kiss, but fortunately, it wasn't awkward anymore. He had started teaching you to defend yourself at the gym sometimes after class. Those moments felt the most intimate. You could feel his passion when he taught you, and it warmed you in all the right places. You two talked about everything in these moments. You shared embarrassing memories from high school, and he told you stories about Jaemin that you would never let your brother live down. You talked about everything but the kiss. You wonder if he regretted it?

The funny thing about college was that the classrooms were so big and there were so many students that it was hard to keep track of who was who. That's how Jeno ended up in you’re lecture every Monday. It was the only class you had with Yuta, and Jeno wasn’t taking any chances. You told him it wasn't a good idea, and the eyes burning into the back of your head were proof of that. Jeno was by your side the entire period, and to onlookers, you two probably looked like a couple. He had scooted your chair directly next to him and was practically shoulder to shoulder with you.

“Back up; I can feel you breathing down my neck”

“I want to see what your doing”

Jeno didn't go to college. He mainly just worked during the day and fought on the weekends for extra cash. His parents were absent for the most part, and he kind of took care of himself growing up. He didn't really have a support system growing up, and that was one of the main reasons he found himself at your house. The only other place he felt safe was the gym. You could only imagine how devastated he was when it shut down. You can understand why he decided to stick around when things turned shady. Jeno earned enough money to support himself, so he never felt the need to go to college, which is why Jaemin didn't feel to bad about dumping you off on his shoulder.

“I can't concentrate Jen,” you scold.

He spends half the class peaking over your shoulder as you work and the other half asleep on the desk. Some guard dog he was.

Yuta didn't bother you during class anymore, and you were grateful. You could finally focus on bringing your grades back up, but you couldn't shake the feeling that he was plotting against you the entire time. After class, he would hang out in the library or, if you had a long day, the gym before returning to pick you up.

Later that day, Jeno was supposed to meet you after your econ class, which was your last class of the day, but you were surprised to not see him silently leaning up against the wall opposite the door. You try your best to calm your nerves as you try to decide if you should wait for him or not. You tried not to freak out; he was probably fine. Maybe he thought you could handle walking yourself home for once; you couldn't expect him to be there all the time. Not to mention you hadn't run into Yuta anywhere other than class.

Your last class ends late, and the sun has already gone down, so you were really reluctant to leave without Jeno. You try your best to channel the old you, the one that ran with bad crowds, the one who feared no one and nothing, and the newer you, who had trained with Jeno and learned how to protect yourself. You put on your best face and begin trekking home.

As you walked, you realized It wasn't so bad; you had honestly forgotten how nice it felt to just walk around by yourself and clear your head. You were enjoying your walk home, and you were about two blocks from your dorm when you felt something in the air shift. Suddenly, you didn't feel so alone. You try to pick up your pace as subtly as possible and pull your phone from your bag. You dial Jeno’s number with quickness and wait for him to pick it up. You can feel the person behind you’s steps quicken.

Come on, please

You beg internally as you break out into a small jog. Screw being subtle; someone was clearly following you. You didn’t dare chance a look over your shoulder as you cut across a lawn; his phone went to voicemail, and you dialed again. The person behind you is right on your heels and you drop your phone as a firm hand grabs your arm. Your first reflex is to scream, but you remember Jenos teachings: you jab your elbow as hard as you can into the attacker's ribs. Your about to break his grip when you hear a familiar groan. You turn around to look at your attacker, and you notice its just Jeno.

He's looking at you with a worried expression, like he didn't just chase you for a full block.

“What are you doing!?”

“I was trying to catch up to you!” He lets you go and holds his ribs, groaning in pain.

“Why didn't you pick up weirdo? I thought someone was going to get me!”

“I was running late and left my phone at home; I thought you would at least wait for me,” he states

You calm your nerves and sign in relief. You shake off your backpack and shove it into his chest.

“Dont be late again; what if something had happened”

“You know I would never let anything happen to you, right?” His eyebrows furrow, and he looks into your eyes. He needs you to know that he would throw down everything to make sure you were okay.

“I know that” Your heart skips a beat, and he grabs your hand reassuringly. You were grateful for the night sky because you could feel your face heating up.

"Good,”

You finally arrive at your off-campus dorm and make your way inside. Your roommate didn't seem to be home yet; typically, she came home late because she had to work late at her job so you were grateful for the time you had alone with jeno.

It isn't until he sets your things down and you flick on a few lights that you see a few bruises and cuts on his face. It was not surprising to see Jeno bruised up, given his fighting background, but these appeared to be from a recent fight. When he notices your gaze, he turns to hide his face and begins unpacking your bag and arranging your study materials.

Jeno had insisted a few days ago that he stick around a little after he drops you off. He insisted it was for your protection so you guys started studying together. Well, you started studying; Jeno just watched you or took a nap next to you on the sofa.

“We should start soon; it's getting late,” he says, trying to redirect your attention.

You refuse to let it go though and move in closer to get a better look. “Who did this?” you say as you gently caress his face, moving it around to examine the damage

“I had a match the other—”

“Don't lie to me,” you urge

“He sent some guys after me,” jeno confesses

Your heart drops. This is exactly why you didn’t want him to get involved. Its like he can read your thoughts because he immediately tries to ease your worry.

“Calm down; this is nothing. You know me, I can hold my own,” he says

You didn't respond.

“I took care of them; you dont have to worry”

You stare at him incredulously “Is that why you were late today?”

"Maybe,” he winces

“Jeno!” you scold. “Was Yuta there?”

“I tried to look for him after, but apparently he had an away game tonight,” he answers.

“Let me clean you up”

Jeno wasn't that much taller than you, probably just a few inches, but you found it easier to work on the cuts on his face by sitting on the counter. You already had your materials prepped; you kept a first aid kit on hand at all times; it was a habit you couldn't shake. This wasn't the first time you found yourself in this position with Jeno; you had always cleaned him and your brother up during childhood. You felt terrible; you worked in a silence that Jeno kept trying to break. Anytime he would open his mouth to speak, you would dab at his lip with more ointment to shut him up until he got the memo. He kept trying to cheer you up and you werent in the mood

He winces at your touch, and you immediately let up and give a short apology. You go back in with a lighter hand and add a bandage. As many punches as he takes, you would think a little peroxide wouldn't hurt. You were done fixing him up, and you busy yourself with putting your kit back together, ignoring the eyes that bore into you. You wanted to leave and put some distance between you but he wouldnt step from between your legs.

“Hey, look at me.” he calls out to you.

You could not bring yourself to look at him; each scar on his face reminded you that it was your fault that he was hurt.

“Its not your fault” its like he was reading your mind.

"Yes, it is! I shouldnt have gotten you involved! I should have just called Jaem.”

“You would rather see Jaemin beat up?” He jokes, trying to lighten the mood.

“He would have at least deserved it,” you say, rolling your eyes and thinking of all the times he tormented you growing up.

A comfortable silence falls between you two after sharing a laugh. He was so close, but you reached out like he was going to disappear. You tentatively caress his bruised cheek; he leans into your touch, and the look he gives you gives you butterflies. He looked at you like you were the most precious thing in the world.

“I like being near you; don’t push me away again”

"Jeno,” you say, shocked by his confession

“I dont want us to go back to the way things were I—

You push him away before jumping down from the counter; you don't want to hear anymore. You had a feeling you knew what he was getting at. After all this time and all the hurt, now he likes you!?

“You were the one who made it like this! Made US like this. I told you how I felt all those years ago, and you rejected me!” you argue

“What are you talking—”

“Drop it,” you demand, trying to leave the bathroom, but he stands in the doorway, blocking your path.

“What did you mean? When did I ever reject you?” Jeno tries, but you ignore his gaze until he grips your chin and forces you to look at him.

“Stop being like that and answer me.” he says.

You were tired of holding your tongue; you might as well get it over with. “Do you remember that time during highschool? When you stayed with us the whole summer?” you worry your lip. “I told you I liked you and you said I was like a sister to you,” you heave out in one big breathe

Jeno takes a moment to process your words, and he finally says, “I had no idea that was what you meant back then. I thought you hated me since I was always over. I thought the ‘I like you’ was more of an ‘I like you around’,” Jeno explains.

“Why would I hate you?” You ask in shock

“Jaemin used to always drag me around to scare off your boyfriends; I thought you might have hated me for that. You never really went out of your way to speak to me, I guess? I asked Jaemin if you hated me that same night, and he told me no. Then I ran into you in the hallway, and you suddenly told me you liked me, so I figured he told you to set things straight?”

He wasn't wrong; back then, you kept to yourself and watched from afar. You hoped you could make him come to you. You were too scared to approach him, so you did everything you could to get his attention. You got into trouble, so he and Jaemin would have to come to your rescue. You dated all those guys to make him jealous. This whole time, you thought he couldn't care less about you, but it seems the whole time he was worried you hated him.

"Well, that doesnt change the fact that you only see me like a little sister”

“I kind of did, at first. You were my best friend, little sister, and I had to see you that way. Jaemin would kill me if I didn't. But I can't, not anymore. Truthfully, I never had.” He caressed your face and pressed his forehead against yours “I'm sorry if this is all confusing for you. I know it has been for me, but can we just try something?” He holds your eye contact, and your faces are so close that you can feel his breath. He smelled so good; the minty scent of his tooth paste mixed with the natural musk of his skin was driving you crazy. You had waited for a moment like this for almost forever.

“Anything; I'll do anything with you,” you say, almost forgetting to breathe.

He pushes you back and sets you on the counter again as he leans in and caresses your lips softly with his, teasing you like he has been doing for the past few years. You cannot take it anymore; you cannot wait anymore, so you take the dive. You press your lips fervently against his, causing him to hiss slightly from the sting, but when you try to pull back to apologize, he grips the back of your neck and reconnects your lips again. He moans into your mouth as you lick the cut on his lip, which will undoubtedly scar apologetically. You try to kiss him more gently but when he feels your hesitance, he pulls away just for a second to whisper, “don’t hold back”

Your hands find their way into his hair and his find their way under your thighs, hiking them up and around his waist. Things were getting heated fast, and you could hardly breathe. Everything you ever wanted was coming to fruition right in front of your eyes. When he finally pulls away to catch his breath, he does not waste any time kissing your neck. The force of his kisses makes you weak, and you have to lean against the mirror behind you to stay upright.

You could hardly keep up; your limbs felt like they weighed a ton, and you could hardly hold your head up. The way he was rolling his hips into yours made your breath start to make condensation on the mirror as you laid your face on the cool glass. Jeno eventually found your lips again after his short exploration and claimed them hungrily.

“What's gotten into my baby? You can't handle it?” he teases

This was the first time he’s called you that, and it was driving your heart beat up dangerously.

“Don't worry, I'll take care of you, like I always do,” he murmurs against your lips before leaving you with a peck.

He pulls you off the counter as he leads you to your bed. You were in a daze; your brain was running hot, and you couldn't even think of anything but the feeling of his hands caressing your sides from under your shirt.

“Tell me you want it” Your eyes flutter a bit at his tone. He sounded so good. You needed him inside of you; that was the only thing you could think of.

“I need you inside,” you moan with a roll of your hips

“Gotta get you ready for that first,” he says as he begins to strip you of your clothes before he follows with his own.

You definitely had brain fog but the sight infront of you cleared it up. He looked so good, you had to bite your tongue before you let out an embarrassing sound. His broad shoulders and slim waist hovered over you tauntingly, like his body was begging you to mark it. His length stood proud against his abdomen, and you had to will yourself to meet his dark graze again. When he licks his lips, you pout and give him a "hurry up" look.

He wastes no time and starts stretching you out over his fingers. You return every kiss and nip he gave you earlier and more. You mark up his neck with kisses and bites and leave pretty claw marks down his back and chest as he works his fingers in and out of you skillfully. He had to bite back the groans that threatened to leave his mouth as you gushed all over his fingers. He couldnt wait to feel you around his cock. You feel yourself getting so close. You roll your hips as he scissors you open. He senses how close you are and hooks his fingers as they drag deliciously against your walls. You finish all over his fingers.

“You must have been so pent-up, baby; that didn't take long at all?” he coos teasingly

You shoot him a glare and retaliate by wrapping your legs around his waist, locking him into place. You grab his length and stroke it. You give him a few sensual pumps before you crack. You wanted to tease him like he's been torturing you, but you couldn't keep waiting; you needed him inside so you slipped him in. He chuckles softly at your failed attempt to get back at him and pecks your lips affectionately. You shudder at the feeling, and your walls are squeezing him so tight that the soft patterns he was drawing on your skin turn into harsh grasps of your hips while his soft chuckling turns into a surprised gasp. He moans softly as he tries to ground himself.

“You want it bad, huh?” he tries to get you to beg but it comes out more whiney than domineering

“No more waiting; if you wont do anything, I'll do it myself,” you threaten.

He finds your threat cute and has decided to take mercy on you. He strokes slowly at first, making sure you’re not hurting or uncomfortable. You loved this man, and you loved how much he cared for you, but right now you didn't want that. Despite his constant nagging, he has always been nothing but gentle with you for as long as you can remember. You don't want that side of him. You want it rough.

“Dont hold back,” you mirror his words from earlier “you wont break me,” you reassure him when you see worry settle into his features

“What if I do?”

“I want you to,” you whisper back

That seems to do the trick because now he was hoisting your hips up, tilting them to fuck into you as deep as he could. Your lower half is lifted from the mattress and all you can do is hold on to the sheets. He was thrusting in deep, craving as much contact as possible.

You try to match his pace and fuck back on him, but you grow tired and just settle for taking everything he gives you.

He sets your hips back down before yanking one of your legs over his shoulder. He starts back up again, and you can see the way his veins strain against his arms at the force he's using to fuck you. You were sure to have pretty bruises in the shape of his hands in the morning. The bed creaked loudly as he pounded you into the mattress, and you prayed that Ryujin wasn’t home yet.

It was like he couldn't keep his hands off of you; they were never still on your body. First they were grasping your hips, holding you steady as he drilled you, then they were grasping at your breasts, and finally one of them took a purchase wrapped around the base of your neck. He wasn’t applying much pressure; he was just holding it there.

Your walls flutter around his cock and hw tightens his grip around your neck at the feeling. He can tell you’re about to cum and when you do, he has to hold you down with his other hand. The lack of air triggers your survival responses and heightened senses, making you feel everything tenfold. The burn against your throat hurts, but the pain mixes with the pleasure to give you a beautiful ending. You can tell by the sticky warmth that fills you and the groan that follows that Jeno wasn't far behind at all. He rolls off of you and plops down on the space beside you to catch his breath. You pull yourself up and start to get out of bed before he grabs your arm.

“Where are you going?” He asks as hurt crosses his features.

“I need the bathroom,” you explain, sleepy “This is my house anyway; you thought I was going to leave?” You joke with a laugh

Jeno visibly relaxes for a second before he too gets out of bed. He makes his way over to you and helps you to the bathroom. You go to the bathroom, and he runs a bath, and you realize how much more domestic your relationship has become in the last few weeks, to the point where it feels natural.

He helps you into the bath and slips in behind. You two talk more in the bath as he pampers you. You have never felt more at home than when you were wrapped in Jeno’s arms. When you get out, he lays you back on the bed before cuddling up beside you. You study his face, and for the first time in awhile, you take a good, long look. If you looked close enough, you could still see traces of the boy you knew all those years ago under the man that stared back at you. For some reason, that made everything hurt. You knew Jeno would do anything to protect you, but who would protect him? With Jaemin gone, all he had was you. You shut your eyes at the thought.

You don't know what your thinking; you just knew you had to be strong and that you were going to put an end to this tonight. You didn’t have his number anymore, but you always knew where to find him.

It was getting late, and instead of heading to the gym for your weekly training with Jeno, you were on the other side of town. You hug your jacket tighter to your chest, bracing yourself against the cold winds of the night. When you turn a corner, the flashing neon lights almost blind you.

찬스노래방

Chance Karoake

You open the door to the front of the building and make your way in. You put on your brave face before trekking over to the back of the shady building. Room 0824 was your destination.

This was the building Yuta ran most of his deals out of. Karaoke rooms are a known hotspot for drug deals and other illegal trades. It was rare to see Yuta here now due to the fact that he had to keep his image clean but you knew his schedule and you knew when he would pop in. Dont get him wrong; yuta wasnt some big-shot crime boss, he was just some kid who dealt in shady business.

You knock on the door and wait. When the door swings open, a cloud of smoke hits you in the face. The room stinks of weed and disposables, the smoke burning your eyes as you try to focus on the figure in front of you.

Cheshire grin meets an apprehensive frown as you stand face-to-face with Yuta.

“Welcome home, doll”

You feel the adrenaline coursing through your veins at the man standing in front of you, the source of so much trouble in your life. The atmosphere is tense, filled with the lingering smell of drugs and the weight of unspoken threats. You knew this was your chance to finally confront him and put an end to this dangerous game you've been forced to play. With a steely glance, you lock eyes with Yuta and prepare yourself for the confrontation that will determine the course of your future.

“Don't call me that” You push past him and enter the room. There is plenty of sitting room on the couch, but you’re too anxious, so you decide to stand. A few of his friends occupy the room, and he doesn't have to tell them twice to leave the two of you alone.

Even after all this time and all your history together, you cannot bring yourself to look him in the eyes. Jeno was right; he terrified you. You could pretend to be brave all you wanted, but the truth was, you were just a scared little girl inside.

“Don't push me, doll,” he warns before wrapping slender fingers around your jaw and forcing you to look at him. “Where's your little boyfriend? Not here to save you?” he taunts

“I want you to leave him alone,” you grit out. You had to be brave.

“You think you can just walk in here and give me orders? You forget who you belong to?” He shakes your face in his grasp.

You rip his hand from your face and twist. No, you would not let him control you any longer. This had all gone too far. Despite feeling intimidated, you refuse to submit to his control any longer.

All you could think about was Jeno; you couldn't let him get hurt anymore because of you. You loved him more than you feared Yuta. You refuse to let him own you.

With the grasp that you have on his arm, you twist his wrist farther until hes crippling down onto his knees. As he winced in agony, you could see the fear etched on his face. With a steely resolve, you pressed harder. His cries echoed in the empty room as you held him in place, making sure he felt every ounce of pain he had caused. Your grip tightened, a silent promise that this would be the last time he hurt anyone.

“If you want to continue playing and keep your scholarship, I suggest you leave me the hell alone. Next time you harass me, I'll break it,” you spit.

With a final, warning glare, you released your grip on his wrist. His body crumpled to the floor, gasping for breath as he clutched his throbbing wrist. You had made it clear that harassment would not be tolerated, and the threat of losing his scholarship hung heavy in the air.

The weight that had been dragging you down for so long began to lift, replaced by a newfound sense of confidence and self-worth. With your head held high, you strode forward. Although you know for certain that Jeno would kill you if he ever found out, you think deep down he would be proud; after all, he created this monster.

When you get home, Ryujin’s on your ass for being out so late. When she had called Jeno and he hadn't seen you either, she thought the worst had happened. You check your phone and find 10 missed calls and even more frantic text messages from Jeno.

You apologize for causing worry to Ryujin and explain that you lost track of time while out. You decide to quickly call Jeno back to assure him your okay.

You wait as the phone rings, but there is no answer. You call again, and he still doesn't pick up. Something didn't feel right, and you grabbed your keys, rushing out of the house.

“You just got here; where are you going?” a stern Ryujin calls.

“Gotta find Jeno!” you call back before hopping back into your car.

For as long as you’ve known him, you knew Jeno could be a hothead sometimes. You knew the moment he heard you were missing, he went out himself to go looking for you. You drove to his house to find him. When you pull into his driveway, it's empty. You park and rush up the stairs to his apartment. You bang on the door until someone answers. You almost sigh in relief until you realize its not Jeno. The person on the other side of the door looked clearly aggravated. His black hair was messily strewn on his head, and his shirt hung off his frame like he just threw it on.

“Can I help you? A raspy voice calls

“Uh, im looking for Jeno,” you ask the man

“He left like an hour ago,” he yawns lazily, leaning against the door frame like he could barely stay awake. “Its almost one in the morning. Whats going on?”

“Its nothing; can you call me if he shows back up” you ask frantically. If Jeno had left an hour ago, who knows where he could be now? You give him your number, and he tells you his name is Mark. You thank him and rush back to your car. Your about to pull out when your phone lights up. Jeno was calling you back.

“Hello? Jeno where have you been?” You feel a weight lift off your shoulder as you take your keys out of the ignition and slump back into your seat.

“”I found Yuta”

“Jeno…What did you do to him?”

“I beat his ass,” he says, “and then I made him tell me where you were”

“Jen—”

“Why did you think it was a good idea to go and threaten him on your own?”

“I had too. I had to do it for me”

“Where are you”

“At your apartment”

“Stay there”

You get out of your car and lean up against the hood, and you wait to see his car roll down the street.

You breathe in the cold, crisp night air and let it soothe your nerves. You did not want to argue with Jeno, not right now. Headlights blind you as a car pulls up behind yours. You hear the engine cut off and the car door slam. As Jeno quickly approaches, you prepare yourself for the confrontation. The tension hangs heavy between you, but you take a deep breath and gather your thoughts before engaging in what could be a difficult conversation.

"Jeno, can we talk about this—” You're left speechless as his lips meet yours in an unexpected kiss.

Confusion and conflicting emotions swirl within you as you reluctantly allow yourself to be swept up in the moment, momentarily forgetting all of your worries.

He pulls away and rests his forehead on yours “Don't scare me like that” His hands caress your face like he can't believe your standing in front of him, like he's making sure he's not dreaming. His frame is shaking, and you’re not sure if it was the cool night air or the light rain that chose this moment to fall, making him shiver.

He pulls you in for a tight hug, and your heart twists, your throat closes up, and you cry. You cry because you never want him to pull away; you cry because you realize how much he loves you; and you cry because you’re both safe.

“Im sorry Jen i didnt mean to—”

“No excuses,” he says, shaking his head “promise”

You hug him back tight and bury your head in his shoulder. “I promise I wont do anything like that again”

He pulls away from you and you notice hes soaked to his bones. The rain had picked up and was now pouring down over you two; you could only imagine your clothes were in the same state. You laugh and push his wet hair out of his face.

“Mark is going to kill us if we soak the carpet.”

“I think he's already upset; I woke him up earlier. Come on, lets get you out of the rain”

He leads you inside by the hand, and you kick off your wet shoes and socks. You try your best to make your way to the bathroom to change. Jeno brings you some dry clothes, and he closes the door and changes alongside you into something more warm.

You follow him to his room with light steps, afraid of waking Mark up for a second time. You lay down next to Jeno in his bed, and you tangle your feet with his seeking warmth.

“I feel like my heart starts beating again when our hands hold each other,” he whispers

“Back then, when we drifted apart, every day felt like I was drowning. Now because you are here, I'm breathing,” you confess

He hugs you tighter and kisses the top of your head “im not going anywhere”

And you believe him, because somehow you had always known he was your guardian angel. You close your eyes, feeling the warmth of his embrace and the reassurance in his words. In that moment, you know that no matter what challenges may come, you both can face them together. With his arms around you and his promise to stay by your side, you finally feel at peace, knowing that you have found your way back to each other.

#jeno smut #nct jeno smut #jeno scenarios #jeno x reader #jeno imagines #jeno #lee jeno smut #nct jeno #nct smut #nct dream smut #nct dream #nct dream x reader #nct dream images #nct dream fanfic #kpop smut

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dragon-kazansky · 7 months

Text

Symphony of dreams

Morpheus x Female Reader

Morpheus has had time to adjust to life after his imprisonment. Reunited with his friend, and of course his wife, he focused on his kingdom. However, a new element comes into play. A Vortex. Rose may just be what he needs to find his missing residents.

{Masterlist}

{Previous Chapter} - {Next Chapter}

Warnings: Long chapter ahead! This is the final chapter before the epilogue!

Chapter Ten - Blood and water

☆☆☆

You make your way to the throne room, head held high. You were determined to make Morpheus see reason. You were going to force him to accept help. You were also going to do all you could to stop him from hurting anyone else.

As you approached the doors to the throne room, you came across Mervyn. He bows his head to you as you join his side.

"Where are you off to?" You ask him.

"Im looking for Lucienne. Have you felt the quakes?" Mervyn asks.

"The quakes?"

As if waiting for its cue, the whole place shakes. You steady yourself. You look to Mervyn but he says nothing. You follow him through to the throne room.

Morpheus is looking at the window when you enter, and you can see why. A huge crack that seems to only have got bigger, reach up the window.

"What's happening?" You ask.

At the sound of your voice, he turns around and looks at you. You had been avoiding his company since Gault.

"I was, uh, gonna report to Lucienne," Mervyn says.

"About what?" Morpheus asks, turning his gaze from you to look at the pumpkin man beside you.

"The minor seismic activity... some minor damage."

"Then why not report to me?"

"Because you're busy?" Mervyn replies awkwardly. "Lucienne took care of all this stuff when you were gone, so I figured why with you-"

"Mervyn, things like this should be reported to Lord Morpheus. This is, after all, his realm," you say softly, trying to be kind.

Morpheus looks at you. The way he looks at you causes a twinge through your heart.vhe looks... desperate to be near you.

The room shakes again, and the crack in the window grows. You look to Morpheus.

"You want me to fix that for you, or will it just keep happening?" Mervyn asks.

"It will not keep happening," Morpheus assures him. "I will find the cause of the disturbance, and I will eliminate it."

You look at Dream with concern.

Mervyn leaves.

Morpheus turns his attention to you. "You came looking for me?" He asks.

"Yes." You nod.

He looks at you, waiting. You gather your courage to talk to him. "About earlier... I'm-"

"No. I'm sorry," he says.

You look at him now.

"You dreamt I hurt someone and then said I hurt you. Is that because I told you to stay here?"

"Morpheus, you have to let us help you. This isn't your burden to handle alone. You are not alone."

"I know that."

"Do you?" You ask.

"Yes, I do. I'm going to fix this. All of it." He speaks calmly as he looks at you. There is determination in his eyes.

"How?"

He slowly raised his hand out to you. "Come with me."

☆☆☆

You walk with him through the library toward where Lucienne is working. In one hand, he has some books. In the other, he holds your own hand.

"Lucienne."

"My lord." She turns to face him.

Morpheus lets go of your hand and takes a step closer to Lucienne. You hold your hands in front of you and listen.

"I have come to return these... and to assess the extent of the damage from the recent disturbances."

Morpheus takes a little look around. You decide to pick up some books off the floor to try and help a little.

"Have... you any idea as to what caused them?" Morpheus asks her.

"I assumed it was you, sir."

"Me?"

You glance up curiously at the pair.

"Maming further improvements to the realm... now that you're back."

Lucienne brushes past him to put some books away. You step to the side and gather some more from the floor.

"Lucienne, when we last spoke, I did not mean to imply that your efforts beyond the library are without value."

"Oh?"

"I really wish to relieve you of repsonbilities with which, had I been here, you would never have been burdened."

"I see."

Morpheus glances at you. You urge him to continue. He turns back to Lucienne.

"And... in that time, did you experience any... similar seismic disturbances?" He asks her.

"I did not."

She brushes past him again with more books.

"Have you any... theory as to their origin?"

"Speaking strictly as a librarian? I do. But you won't like it."

"Go on," he urges. You look at her and listen too.

"I know you're waiting to see if the vortex will lead you to The Corianthian and Fiddler's Green. The way she led you to Gault."

"She may yet still."

"Yes, but while you're waiting, she's putting cracks in the foundation." Lucienne states.

"Rose Walker has visited this realm before and done no damage. This is something else, something new." Morpheus replies.

"Perhaps. But if there is something new in The Dreaming and you did not create it, how did it get here?" Lucienne asks.

You look at Morpheus with worry.

"This is the vortex. I assure you."

Morpheus goes quiet.

☆☆☆

"Come with me."

You look up at Morpheus as you both walk through the palace halls. He's looking right at you with his beautiful blue eyes.

"Are you sure?" You ask.

"Yes."

You smile. "You want me to come with you?"

"I always want you with me. I... may need you." He cracks a small smile.

"You do need help. I told you."

"I know I don't admit it, but you are right. Lucienne is right."

You smile at his admittance. You reach out and take his hand. He relaxes at the feeling of you touching him.

"Then we shall find Rose together."

He smiles softly.

☆☆☆

"So, what do you think?" Matthew caws, looking down at Rose and Lyta as they walk toward the house at the bottom of the hill.

"Tell Lucienne she was right about the source of the tremors. And that I'm taking care of it."

You look at Morpheus.

He takes your hand and guides you down the hill. Matthew leaves. There is a certain purpose to his step as Morpheus walks, his coat bellowing out behind him.

You arrive at the house before the girls get there. Morpheus talks to Hector as you wait the other two. Rose and Lyta arrive.

Morpheus looks at them. You stand right beside him.

"Lyta, you remember I told you about Lord Morpheus, the King of Dreams?" Rose says, pointing out who he is.

"What do you want?" Lyta asks.

"He wants us to leave," Hector says.

"Why?" Rose asks.

"Because a ghost cannot escape his fate by hiding in The Dreaming," Morpheus explains. "Nor can a living human being escape her grief here. Do you not see the damage your presence has done to this realm? I cannot allow you to stay."

"Is there anything we can do?" Hector asks.

"You belong with the dead. You must go to the place appointed for you."

You lower your gaze. That is not an easy thing to hear from anyone.

"I'm sorry, but you must say your goodbyes now," Morpheus tells them.

Hector nods sadly.

"No. I'm not losing you again," Lyta says.

Hector stands up and walks over to her. "I love you so much," he tells her.

"You're not going anywhere. Get out of our house," Lyta says to you both.

"Lyta-" Rose tries to speak.

"Enough." Morpheus raises his hand. Hector starts to disintegrate down to nothing. Lyta calls his name while Rose pleads with Dream to stop. You turn and hide your face in Morpheus' shoulder.

Lyta cries. She cradles her bump.

"Your husband died a long time ago. He was a ghost, and this is a dream," Morpheus explains. "The baby is yours... for now."

You look at Morpheus with confusion. "For now...?" You whisper.

"The child was conceived in The Dreaming. It is mine."

"What?" Rose asks, mortified.

"And one day, I will come for it."

"No, you won't. You'll do nothing-" Rose starts to argue.

"This dream is over."

He swipes his hand through the air. You're back in the throne room. You stare at the steps as you try to understand what just happened.

"You killed my friend."

Both you and Morpheus turn to see Rose standing behind you. She hadn't woken up.

"How did you get here?" He asks.

"In front of his wife, and then you threaten to take her baby?"

"Do you know why this happened?" He asks her. "A vortex gathering strength can weaken the walls between dreams."

"I didn't ask for any of this," Rose tells him.

"Even so!"

"No! I don't want you coming near me or my friends ever again."

"Rose, listen to me."

"I do listen to you."

You can only stand there and watch them both. Things are getting agitated, and you didn't like it. Morpheus can sense your unease, but he must focus on the girl first.

"You said that a vortex can create universes or destroy them. So I suggest you leave my universe the fuck alone."

"Rose-" he warns her.

"This dream is over." She says. She vanishes.

You stare at the spot she had been standing in a moment ago. You didn't know what to think or say.

Morpheus turns and looks at you.

You choose to say nothing.

☆☆☆

You both return to the library. Morpheus calls for Lucienne. She comes out from between some shelves.

"My lord. There's something I must tell you."

"And I will listen." He tells her. "But first, you must let me tell you that you were right." He speaks softly. "The vortex was responsible for the damage to our realm, and I was... wrong to risk our sagtt in the hope that she would locate the missing Arcana."

That's the first time you have ever heard him admit he was wrong.

"You were not entirely wrong, sir." Lucienne says. "She's found them both."

"What?" He asks. "The Corianthian and Fiddler's Green? Where? How do you know?"

"Fiddler's Green told me."

Lucienne turns, and you look up to see a well-dressed man step out from the bookshelves. You sigh softly as he comes over. He bows his head to you both.

"Apologies, lord, for having left."

"Why? Why did you leave?" Morpheus asks. "I tusted you. You were the heart of The Dreaming."

"No, sir. You were the heart of The Dreaming. And you were gone." Fiddler's Green says. "I was curious. And it turns out that life as a human contains substance I never imagined when I was here. Which is why I returned because... he's murdering them."

"The Corianthian?"

"He appears to have built up a cult of worshippers who kill for pleasure, endangering the waking world and the life of a friend called Rose Walker."

"The Corianthian has found Rose Walker?" You ask. A chill runs down your spine. Morpheus looks at you.

Another dream come true.

"Yes."

"Can you imagine the damage he could do with someone like Rose?" Lucienne says.

"You must tell me where they are." Morpheus demands softly.

☆☆☆

"So, he too spent the last century in the waking world?" 'Gilbert' asks. You look at Fiddler's Green in his human form.

"Yes, but he seems to have experienced the worst of humankind." Lucienne points out.

You look down quietly.

"Still, his time appears to have changed him as it has changed me."

"How so?"

"Lucienne, he came to and told you he was wrong." Fiddler's Green smiles. "It was very nearly an apology. The Morpheus I knew was incapable of that."

You chuckle softly.

"Then perhaps he will be merciful to you since you come back on your own."

You look up. "I won't let him do anything to you."

Fiddler's Green looks at you. "My lady, your heart is as kind and beautiful as I remember."

You smile softly at him.

"It doesn't matter what happens to me. What matters is that Dream stops The Corianthian and saves Rose Walker."

You shake your head. "You matter too. I'm going to go find Morpheus. I shall insist he takes me with him."

"Are you sure that is a good idea?" Lucienne asks.

"He is my husband. I shall not let him do this alone."

Lucienne smiles. You're a good wife to Morpheus.

"But... there is no saving Rose Walker." She states. You and Fiddler's Green look up at her.

"What do you mean?" You ask.

"She's a vortex."

"Yes... I know that."

"He's... he's going to have to kill her." Fiddler's Green speaks with slight panic.

You look at them both. "What?"

"Did he not tell you?" Lucienne asks.

"No!"

They both fall quiet. Lucienne can't help feeling like she's made things worse. Morpheus hadn't told you that for a reason, she assumed.

☆☆☆

You storm into the throne room. Morpheus hadn't left yet. You march down the hall and over to him.

"Morpheus!"

He turns and looks at you.

"My love."

You glare at him hard. "Don't you dare."

"Excuse me?" He frowns.

"You're going to kill her..."

A look of realisation comes over him. He lifts his head a little higher as he looks at you. He knows he can not hide his intentions any longer.

"It must be done."

"There has to be another way!"

"There is not."

You fight back your emotions. Getting upset won't get you anywhere with him. You try to remain calm.

"How can you possibly be so cruel?"

"The Corianthian is using Rose to do harm. She doesn't even realise what she's doing most of the time. I must put a stop to the vortex."

"By killing her...?"

"I have no choice," he states, looking at you with desperation. He can see your pain. He wants to comfort you, but doing so will not change the situation.

"Take me with you."

"No."

"Morpheus, please."

He sighs softly and closes the distance between you both. He takes your hand in his and throws his sand up with the other. You fo not look away from him as you travel to where Rode and The Corianthian is.

☆☆☆

The Corianthian appears to be giving a speech. A room full of murderers is listening to him. He is using Rose to power their dreams into one.

You stand with Morpheus in the aisle, looking up at the rouge nightmare.

"You disppoint me, Corianthian. You and these humans you've inspired and created... disappoint me." Morpheus walks towards him. You remain standing in the aisle.

"I've done my best to be what you made me," The Corianthian says.

"No, you've done your worst, which was in so many ways what I had hoped." Morpheus joins him up on the stage. "You were my masterpiece. A dark mirror made to reflect everything humanity will not confront."

"That's what I am. That's what I've done."

"No. Look at you, walking this Earth for over a century, infecting others with your joy of death, but what have you given them? What have you wrought? Nothing. Just something else for people to be afraid of. That is all"

"So what now?" The Corianthian asks. "You send me back into their dreams?" He pulls out a knife. "'Cause I won't go willingly."

"A knife against a dream?"

"You don't think dreams can die? Let's find out."

You gasp and move to join Morpheus, but your husband raises a hand to tell you to stay where you are.

"Enough." Morpheus raises his hand to The Corianthian, who stabs the knife through Dream's hand.

"No!" You yell out. Your Morpheus is hurt. His hand bleeds.

"I've got Rose Walker getting stronger every second while you get weaker." The Corianthian says. "She's taking your place at the centre of the Dreaming. She's bringing the walls down between the sleepers' minds, and now they're all dremaing the same dream. A dream that I inspired."

"No." Morpheus looks at him.

"It's already happening. There's nothing you can do. She's asleep and dreaming."

"Then she is not beyond my reach."

"Oh, I think she is. Now that she knows you're planning to kill her."

You shake your head and hurry over to Morpheus, placing your hands on his shoulders. Morpheus uses that boost you're giving him to appear in the dream. He is telling Rose to wake up.

"Don't listen to him, Rosebud." The Corianthian says, appearing on the dream. "You're the one with power now, not him. This is your dream."

"It's his dream, for your world." Morpheus says, walking into the room with them. You're giving him your strength in the waking world to appear in Rose's dream.

"Then let's make it yours. Whatever you want, Rose. A blank canvas."

The Corianthian removes the extra people from the room, including Jed. Rose asks where he is, and The Corianthian reminds her he is fine and that he is sleeping right next to her in the waking world.

"This dream is yours now. The Dreaming is yours now."

"The Dreaming is yours. Is that what he told you?" Morpheus asks, approaching her.

"He told me you were gonna kill me," Rose says.

"Did he tell you why? When a vortex brings down the walls between dreams, she creates a single volatile dream that will collapse in upon itself, and take the waking world with it. Your world. Everything and everyone will die."

"Don't believe him, Rosie." The Corianthian whispers to her.

"It's happened before. I failed my duty, an entire universe was lost."

"He can't kill you if you kill him first," The Corianthian tells her.

"Killing me may save your life, but it won't save the lives of those you love," Morpheus states.

"I'm trying to keep you alive here." The Corianthian urges.

"I'm trying to keep your world alive." Morpheus argues.

"You have to choose one of us, Rose."

"Enough!" Rose exclaims. "If in as powerful as you say I am, then I will find my own way. In the meantime, the walls go back up. Because I'm not dreaming anymore."

Rose gets rid of the dream around them. "Thanks to you two, I'm wide awake.'

Rose wakes in the waking world.

☆☆☆

You gasp as you let go of Morpheus. His hand heals up quickly. You take it in your hands and examine it. He looks at you softly before turning back to The Corianthian.

"If you think I'm going back to the Dreaming with you-"

"You're not going back," Morpheus says firmly. "I brought you into this world to serve humanity. Not to feed upon it."

"Do you know why I do it?" The Corianthian asks. "So I can taste what it's like to be human. And you don't care about humanity. You only care about yourself and your realm and your rules."

"I contain the entire collective unconscious. Without my rules, it would consume me." Morpheus explains. You hold his hand gently. "Humanity would be consumed."

"Or you might actually feel something." The Corianthian adds. "I am not the problem, Dream."

"You're right. This was my fault, not yours."

You look at Morpheus with slight confusion.

"I had so much hope for you," Morpheus whispers, looking at The Corianthian. "But I created you poorly then."

The Corianthian gets upset.

"So I must uncreate you now."

Morpheus raises his hand to the nightmare, and you watch as he undoes his work.

"I am only sorry I won't be here to see Rose Walker do the same to you," The Corianthian says before he completely disappears. He turns to a pile of ash as a small skull lands on top. Morpheus picks it up.

"Next time I make you, you will not be so flawed and petty, little Dream." Morpheus tucks the skull away.

"And you..." Morpheus looks at the waking humans in the room. Who call yourselves collectors, until now, you have sustained fantasies in which you are the victims, comforting daydreams in which you are always right. But no more. The dream is over. I have taken it away. For this is my judgement upon you, that you shall know from this moment on exactly how craven and selfish and monstrous you are. That you shall feel the pain of those you have slaughtered. And the grief of those that mourn them still, and you shall carry that pain and grief and guilt with you until the end of time."

All those humans leave that hotel with a whole new mindset.

Morpheus walks out with you. Matthew meets you both an the entrance.

Rose and Jed have driven away.

"You want me to follow her?" Matthew asks.

"No. When she is awake, she is not a threat. Tonight, when she sleeps, I will find her." Morpheus says. "And we will end this.'

☆☆☆

Rose Walker had brought all her friends into one dream. A whirlpool had opened up and one by one each of her friends fell into it. Even Jed.

The green fields turned to a cold and empty wasteland. Morpheus stood with you in front of Rose.

"You've caused a great deal of damage. Nothing that I cannot repair, at least at this stage." Morpheus tells Rose.

"What happened to Jed? To my friends?"

"They're asleep in their bed, but they're not safe. No one is. Not until the vortex is dead."

You feel your heart aching. You cannot let him kill her. Rose didn't ask for any of this.

"Death is not always such a bad thing." Morpheus says. "You could stay if you like. My raven was once a mortal."

"Wait! Sir!" Gilbert comes running.

"Gilbert? What are you doing here?" Rose asks.

"This is Fiddler's Green," Morpheus clarifies.

"You? You're a Dream?"

"I am. I, I left my post here to experience life as a human being," Gilbert explains. "A life which I humbly offer in exchange for yours."

"I'm afraid that's not possible." Morpheus tells him. "For the Dreaming and the waking world to live, the vortex must die."

"Then what's the point of a vortex?" Rose asks. "Why do we even exist?"

"Honestly..."

"I have a theory." Gilbert says, interrupting Morpheus. "When a human is at the centre of the Dreaming, is it not to remind us that we exist because humans dream, not the other way around? The miracle of humanity itself should always be more vivid to us than any marvels of power."

"I cannot find it in my heart to punish you for leaving Fiddler's Green," Morpheus says. "But it is time you took up your appointed position once more."

"It would be my honour, sir." Gilbert says proudly. "It was never my intention to abandon my role."

"What was your role? Who were you?" Rose asks.

You smile and answer. "Fiddler's Green is not a who, it is a where. He is not a person. He was a place."

"And after your death, if you stay in the Dreaming, visit me." Gilbert requests. "Walk in my meadows and my green glades. Rest beneath my trees."

Morpheus smiles slightly.

"Farewell, Rose Walker. It was a privilege being human with you."

Gilbert opens his arms, and you all watch as he turns into greenery and life. Your surroundings turn green, trees come into existence, butterflies fly overhead. Fiddler's Green has returned to his post.

"I do not wish to take your life," Morpheus says to Rose. "But we all have repsonbilities and this is one of mine."

You can't take it any more. You step out and stop between him and Rose.

"No. I can't let you."

Morpheus looks at you with concern. "It has to be done."

You start to tear up. "It's not fair. She has a whole life ahead of her..."

"My love..."

Rose takes your hand in hers and looks at you. Thunder rumbles and the clouds turn dark.

"I am sorry," Morpheus says sincerely.

"It's fine," Rose assures you. "Just do it," she looks at Morpheus. "Whatever it takes to save my brother and my friends."

You shake your head. Morpheus looks at you with a pleasing gaze. He wants you to return to his side.

Rose looks at you. "I'm ready."

You let a tear fall and watch Rose let go of your hand. You can't look. You turn away. Morpheus raises his hand up toward Rose. He can hear your soft cries.

"My lord, stop." Lucienne comes rushing over with another woman. You look up through teary eyes.

Morpheus stops.

"Unity?" Rose looks at the other woman.

"This is Unity Kinkaid." Lucienne introduces her.

"I am Rose's great-grandmother. And according to this book, I was meant to be the vortex of this age." The woman holds up a book. "But because you were imprisoned and locked out of the Dreaming, that fate was handed down to my descendants."

"I don't understand," Morpheus says.

"You're not very bright, are you?" Unity scoffs. "Come here, Rose."

Rose walks over to unity.

"I want you to reach down inside yourself and give me whatever it is that makes you the vortex."

"But how?"

"You're dreaming, darling. Anything is possible."

You watch as Rose reaches down inside of herself and starts to pull out something. You've never seen anything like this before. Rose manages to grab what she's looking for and holds it out to Unity.

A glass heart, a storm whirling inside.

You've seen a heart like that before.

Morpheus looks at you, and you look at him.

"Thank you, Rose, love." Unity holds the heart and turns to Morpheus. "I the vortex now, Dream King, as I should have been long ago. So, leave my great-granddaughter alone."

The heart begins to shatter. A bright light and Unity becomes weak. She has passed on in the waking world.

Morpheus holds onto her in the Dreaming.

"Unity?" Rose looks at her concerned.

"What happened?" Unity asks.

"You died. So that Rose might live." Morpheus tells her. Tears continue to fall from your eyes.

"I'm so sorry." Rose hugs Unity.

"No, don't be. I'm not." Unity tells her. "I was meant to have died a long time ago, Rose. But if I had, I would never have met my golden-eyed man, and we wouldn't have had our beautiful baby girl, and you would not have been born."

Golden eyes? You looked at Morpheus again. You know of someone with golden eyes. Morpheus, of course, knows them better.

"Wait, the father of your child had golden eyes?" Morpheus asks.

"I've never seen anything like them," Unity says.

"I have."

"Goodbye, Rose, darling." Unity says to Rose. They hug again. "Mr. Holdaway will see to it that you and Jed have everything you need."

"You and your brother are children of the Endless," Morpheus says to Rose. "You have suffered enough. You may leave this place."

"Goodbye, Rose," you say to her.

She wakes up, Jed right beside her.

☆☆☆

Morpheus goes to pay Desire a visit.

You remain at the palace. You close Rose Walker's book and sigh softly. Matthew perches himself near your throne.

"Well?"

"She will be just fine. As will Jed. They are kin to Morpheus, so shall I make sure to check in with them from time to time."

Matthew caws. "Don't you have any children?"

"No." You say softly.

Matthew tilts his head slightly.

"Morpheus did have a son, once. That's a story for another time."

Matthew says nothing else on the matter.

Lucienne enters the throne room and you both look up.

"Lord Morpheus has requested your presence." She informs you.

You smile.

"Then I shall not keep him waiting."

Matthew takes flight, and Lucienne joins you at your side as you walk.

"Is all well?" She asks.

You smile.

"Everyone is going to be juat fine."

Lucienne shares your smile.

☆☆☆

@missdreamofendless - @mischievousvillainy - @kpopgirlbtssvt - @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy - @emarich7 - @lollipopsandlandmines - @mouth-whore -

#symphony of dreams #the sandman #morpheus x reader #female reader #dragon writes

74 notes · View notes

akutasoda · 1 year

Note

hello! may i request a dazai x fem! reader angst fic based on the song renegade by big red machine ft. taylor swift. this is currently one of my fav songs and as i listened, the lyrics somewhat reminded of dazai. particularly, dazai who was in a toxic relationship with reader, whereby reader feels burdened and emotionally drained because he has been consistently pushing her away when she wants to help him with his issues. over time, the 2 only become increasingly distant, eventually causing reader to break up with him, and only then does he realise how precious reader is to him because the thought of not having her by his side would only torment him in the long run. thus, he finally lets down the walls and facade he has always put up, showing his true self to reader who ultimately decides to stay with him.

also, i was the one who requested the ranpo x reserved! reader and i loved it so much! i've noticed that you like writing angst, so i hope you would like writing this too! i hope good days are ahead of you :)

do you know you're demolishing me?

synopsis - after shutting you out he realises he would be lost without you

includes - dazai

warnings - fem!reder(she/her pronouns), angst, slight comfort at the end, dazai's kind of scummy, wc - 933

a/n: im so glad you enjoyed! i do kind of like angst a but too much haha, i hope good days are ahead for you too! :)

sometimes when you're in love its hard to tell when to let it go. this could be for multiple reasons ranging from simply loving them too much or not knowing if they are willing to work through it with you. when you had first set about in your relationship with dazai you were close enough to tell that his normal attitude was just a facade. and a small part of you wished that he would eventually open up to you so you could help, you didn't want to push into the issue fearing that it may be extremely sensitive.

so you would simply hope that dazai had the reasoning to one day open up to you. but it had proved to be slightly more difficult than you imagined. sure you knew going into it that there would be some issues along the way but you were willing to get through them and make your bond stronger however it seemed it was one sided.

dazai brushed off every inconvenience hoping for it to go away and only acknowledge the highs of the relationship and not the lows. truth was he didn't know how to deal with them and he didn't want to let you down so he just tried to ignore them figuring that it would all work out, he would never come to tell you this. rightfully it bothered you, you were so determined to help him but he was constantly pushing you away and you didn't know how much longer you could do this.

dazai could see how his self-destructive behaviour was affecting you. he knew you were trying to help him genuinely from the bottom of your heart but he, for some reason, always made the decision to push you away. and it seemed to be hurting him more than he realised. eventually you started feeling burdened with not only your problems but dazai's aswell. and you realised it truly had become a one-sided relationship.

it started leaking over it your actual life not just in the relationship. you started becoming emotionally drained and your friends and coworkers started realising and asked constantly if everything was okay which you just brushed off with a strained smile. eventually the small gestures that contained any actual sign of a loving relationship faded and you began barely talking to him.

he noticed you had stopped talking to him and yet again brushed it off. you probably were having a bad day. but this new found loneliness of not seeing you as often and barely speaking to you felt weird. he constantly glanced at his phone hoping to see your name pop up in his notifications or he would write a message to you just to erase it and stare off into the distance. was it really his facade that pushed you away? or did he just let his problems damage you?

eventually he received the dreaded message. the happiness from seeing a message from you dissipated into fear as it read 'i think it would be better if we broke up'. he had done it again. another person he so deeply cared about left him. tears fell easily that night.

you however started perking up abit. you started feeling less burdened with your problems and more emotionally aware. the sting of the break lingered but you just thought it would go away. but you soon had realised it was loneliness. no it was just the last of your feelings getting out, you would get over him soon.

dazai wasn't fairing to well however. it was ironic really, now that you were gone he realised just how much you meant to him. he missed you dearly but his stupid facade had given you nothing but pain and pushed you away more than his words could. now that you weren't around he was simply lost. everything he would see that he would want to do with you or give to you drove in the fact that you weren't there.

his fellow agency members noticed his more distant attitude. very few actually knew of his (ex)girlfriend, so only they figured that the reason was to do with you. but the empty feeling within him that used to be occupied by you now felt like it was consuming him and he couldn't think of anything else but trying to get back with you.

he had alot to make up for, that he knew but he figured if anything he could start with was a long overdue heartfelt apology. he had managed to convince you to meet at your favourite café, you wouldn't tell him but you missed him slightly. it was fairly quite but he he only wanted to get out all his apologies. how he felt lost without you and not having you by his side made him feel terrible.

he had made a promise that day. one that he would rather die than break. that he would try his hardest to be honest with his feelings with you and not run away from conflicts with you if you gave him another chance to make things right. that he would be the boyfriend you deserved.

after a small moment of thinking you had decided to give him a second chance. but you made it very clear that if he reverted back to his old ways a third chance was not available. and eventually not long after he had let his facade slip around you and you helped him through all his hard times in the best way you knew how. how did he get so lucky?

#x reader #bsd x female reader #x female reader #bsd x reader #bsd dazai #bsd dazai osamu #dazai x reader #dazai x fem reader #bsd x reader angst

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gyusrose · 2 years

Text

➵ hopelessly devoted -> c.y

(first person p.o.v)

⚠︎ fluff - angst

✎ non!idol au, strangers to lovers au

summary : liking the most cold- hearted boy at school is definitely a challenge, specially when you’re willing to do anything to get at least a smile out of him.

yeonjun x fem. reader

wc: 4.0k

“another present for that idiot ?” soobin exclaimed.

“yes , it is for him, and that ‘idiot’ has a name, yeonjun.” you annoyingly rolled my eyes.

it’s no secret that i like the boy, who wouldn’t ? he was probably the most handsome human i’ve ever seen in my life, and the fact that he never talk or expresses himself makes me intrigued even more.

soobin on the other hand, thinks other wise…

“________, as your best friend i can’t let you embarrass yourself like this, he’s obviously uninterested.”

“hush , he just needs a friend and maybe we can turn into lovers who knows .”

soobin just shook his head in response.

“oh look he’s there! wait here.” i say as i saw the man of my dreams sitting in a bench listening to music it seems.

my confidence started to decrease the closer i got to him, he’s capable of making my knees fall weak anytime i see him.

i had brought him a box of homemade pastries , which by the way, took way too long to make.

i stood in front of him with the box of pastries in front of me waiting for him to notice me.

he looked up into my eyes finally and took one earbud out of his ear , kind of a signaling what i was doing here.

breathe in. breathe out.

“erm, i um brought you this…it’s some pastries i made and um i hope you enjoy them? “

maybe i should’ve listened to soobin .

his expressionless face made me even more nervous as he looked between the box and me.

“i don’t like sweets.” he spoke after about a minute of just blankly staring.

he doesn’t like sweets?

of course he doesn’t.

“oh alright, i get it, i’ll get going now.”

literally kill me now.

i guess soobin saw the look on my face and the box in my hands to find out what happened.

“yes you can tell me ‘i told you so’ “

“i’ve told you this very fucking time ______.”

he’s right , this isn’t a new reaction from him, every time i try to gift him something or even start a conversation i’m left with little to no answers. but why?

he’s like that with everyone , except that one firmed he’s always around, taehyun.

in contrast taehyun is very friendly, i’ve had classes with him and i’ve had a few conversations with him, i can’t put together how they’re friends.

“i’d gladly take the pastries.” soobin said before snatching the box from my hands .

“alright class you have the rest of the time remaining to practice the type of problems we went over today.” our calculus teacher said before sitting down on her desk.

“at this point i don’t know what to do. “ i said pouting.

i mentally groaned.

i just don’t get it. i’ve asked for help four times already today, i don’t want to burden her.

i utterly hate math, im no good at it. im more of a literature type of person, i love reading and writing but ask me to solve a damn calculus equation and i give up.

i looked over to where yeonjun is sitting, doing the problems so effortlessly.

he’s always been at the top of class, more like the whole grade, since forever.

an idea popped in my head making me smile at the thought.

as i was ready to go up to him , someone beat me to it.

ugh of course it’s arin.

“hey yeonjun? do you think you can help me with these problems? i’m kinda stuck.”

ha good luck in getting a response buddy…

“sure what section?”

WHAT?

how come he isn’t bothered by me and not her?

if i were to go up to him , i most probably would’ve gotten rejected or simply ignored.

but i mean, i can’t judge him.

i cant compare with arin.

she was much smarter than me, much prettier , someone who’s easy to fall for.

maybe i’m the problem?

for the remainder of class i simply sat in my seat spacing off, overthinking way too much.

what have i done to him? cant he just be nice ? i’ll settle for a small smile.

i barely notice the bell ringing and everyone heading to lunch.

“what’s wrong ? you look depressed as fuck ______.” soobin said snapping me out of my thinking.

i looked around finding the classroom completely empty.

“oh shit, i’m sorry soobin, nothing happened i just felt tired, don’t worry about it.” i assuringly smiled hoping he won’t keep asking questions.

“it was yeonjun right?”

shit he knows me too well.

i just stayed in silence signaling he’s right.

“whatever it is, i assure you to not think too much about it.”

sure.

i glanced at yeonjun’s seat and saw a book.

my eyebrows furrowed as i got up and grabbed it.

i opened it to the first page to see

‘property of choi yeonjun’

nevermind that sadness i felt seconds ago, i’m not giving up.

“for fucks sake _______.” soobin practically facepalmed.

after school i made sure to be one of the first people out to catch up with yeonjun.

i saw him bid his friend goodbye and go on his way.

i jogged to where he was trying to stop him , but boy did he walk fast.

when i thought i was close to him i saw him get on the bus.

kill me now.

i sighed in defeat as i saw the bus drive away with yeonjun in it.

i walked back slowly in disappointment with the dark green book on my hand.

suddenly another idea popped into my head.

i ran back to school hoping i still had a chance.

thankfully i didn’t go too far away.

i looked around frantically when i finally spotted him.

“taehyun! wait up please ! “

he looked up to see who called his name. he sweetly smiled at me and waved.

“hi ______ what’s wrong ?”

“i need a favor from you, yeonjun left his book and i’m trying to give it back, do you by any chance know where he lives?”

i hope don’t sound like a stalker .

taehyun looks at the book i’m holding an chuckles.

“ahh i see, sure i can give you his address, hopefully you’re not a serial killer in disguise.”

i punched his shoulder lightly, laughing in response.

“i assure you i’m not.”

“318”

“319”

“aha! 320”

holy shit…

this boy was stupidly rich.

even though it’s not unknown to me that he was pretty wealthy, i didn’t think it was this much. barbie and the dream house type of vibe.

i took a deep breath and ringed the doorbell.

a couple of seconds passed and i was getting impatient, almost thinking nobody was home.

the door suddenly unlocked revealing the handsome-ass boy.

he looked confused making me realize how awkward this was.

“um hey i’m- “

“seriously ? you’ve came here to bother me all the way to my house?” he suddenly says catching me off guard.

this is the longest sentence he’s said to me.

and god i wish he would’ve just ignored me this time.

“no you got it all wrong i’m-“

“don’t need to explain yourself, have i not been clear enough?”

“yeonjun i-“

“leave me alone for fucks sake, i want to be alone, don’t search for me, i don’t need you bothering 24/7, how did you know where i live ?”

“this is a misunderstanding i swear-“

“you probably followed me around like the stalker you are, go away.” he said before he shut the door on my face.

i normally wouldn’t act like this but tears just started falling from my eyes.

i’ve completely hit the definition of embarrassment. i can’t redeem myself from this.

i’ve made the only guy i’ve ever liked, completely hate me.

and it’s all my fault.

because of my clinginess, my annoyance, i was nothing but a burden to him.

i was halfway almost home when i felt droplets hit the top of my head.

fucking perfect.

just the cherry on top of my day.

the small droplets then turned into a full on storm, i could barely see where i was going.

“hey you! you’re gonna die out there.” i heard someone yell to my left.

i turned to see the owner of the voice just to see a male with an umbrella coming my way.

i don’t think i’ve ever seen him before. or maybe i just have bad memory.

“are you okay? this storm is wild, what are you doing here all by yourself?”

i got a better look at him and holy fuck. he was handsome.

“i was just trying to go home, i didn’t expect the rain to be this strong.”

“i know i’m a stranger but come to my house right in front, at least until it gets better.” he offered.

i looked into his eyes, i could tell he had good intentions , well at least he didn’t look like a psychopath or something so i nodded.

we both took off running to his house which was just like ten steps away .

as we made i inside i couldn’t help but notice how pretty it was.

this sure was a rich people area.

“You can wait here, i’ll bring you a towel.” he said

i looked at my reflection on a mirror and i nearly scared myself.

i looked awful. my hair was damp, my mascara was runny, my eyes were swollen, i feel bad that he even has to see me like this.

“here you go, i also brought you some new clothes since yours are damped, hope you don’t mind.” he said giving me all the stuff.

never had someone , other than soobin, cared so much for me.

and i don’t even know this stranger’s name.

“no don’t worry i don’t mind ….?”

“heesung”

“thank you heesung, are you new around here? i haven’t seen you until today.”

“yeah actually i moved a few days ago, my family is from here so.”

i nodded in response.

“well you already made a new friend heesung.”

“why are you suddenly sick today? you were just fine yesterday.” soobin said as he noticed my voice and stuffed nose.

“it just the weather, it’s getting colder, my allergies are acting up.” he nodded buying my excuse.

lord knows what he would’ve done if i told him that i was walking in the rain for half an hour because of yeonjun.

“oh by the way, i heard there’s a new guy in school, supposedly he’s from a rich family and shit.”

new guy?

“it’s no surprise if girls are already swooning over him without even seeing his face.”

“oh shit the bell already rung , see you later _____.” soobin waved as i made my way into my class.

i tried in all circumstances to ignore yeonjun, almost acting like he wasnt there.

god this is going to be hard.

making my way to my seat , from the corner of my eye i saw him, with his head down and earbuds in.

he deserves to be left alone. i should’ve not been so clingy and annoying, gosh no wonder he hates me.

i composed myself and sat on my seat, taking out a book to read.

which reminds me, i still have his book in my bag.

i’ll give it to him, one day.

“good morning class, i’m excited to announce there’s a new student joining us this year.” the teacher said as i saw a very familiar face walk through the door.

heesung.

to tell you i was more than thrilled to see him is the least. i had my little prediction that he was the new kid, everything just connected together.

as he finished introducing himself the teacher told him to find any empty seat in the classroom, and surprise surprise, there was one right next to me.

he didn’t hesitate to come my way and sit on the vacant desk.

“hey ______, remember me ?”

“how could i forget? you pretty much saved my life yesterday. and we’re friends aren’t we?”

“i wanted to surprise you! yesterday when i saw your uniform, i noticed it’s the same as mine.”

heesung and i have been nonstop talking since he got here.

we’ve taken this time to get to know each other better. unsurprisingly, we have a lot in common, he also matches my energy, which is hard to find someone that does.

we both sat in a bench during lunch laughing and and talking with each other. since soobin left home early, it was just the two of us which honestly made me forget about my surroundings until i felt a pair of eyes watching me.

i turned around to find his eyes.

he quickly looked away though.

making me question, am i seeing things?

i must be.

yeonjun p.o.v

my thoughts are eating me alive. i cannot stop thinking about her. i shouldn’t.

i was the one that told her to stay away from me, i was the one that told her to leave me alone, i was the one that didn’t want her to keep bothering. so why am i missing it?

the fact that she also seems happier doesn’t help.

i couldn’t help but stare at the way her and that new kid got along.

she was laughing, smiling, not one inch of sadness could be seen.

they looked like a couple. that only made me more annoyed.

how can she move on from me so fast? wasn’t she head over heels for me ?

shut up yeonjun! i’m acting as if we dated or something.

“what’s with the grumpy face?” taehyun came sitting down next to me.

i sighed.

“just got a bad grade.” i answers shortly.

taehyun looked at me suspiciously, not buying it.

“you sure? oh i don’t know i just saw you looking where _______ is sitting, you looked very bothered.”

shit , was it that noticeable?

“huh? what are you talking about? i’m just doing some homework, you’re seeing things. why would i be looking at her? she’s not even-“

“jeez calm down! i was joking around.” taehyun chuckled.

“haha, very funny.”

- days later -

these past few days have been nothing but miserable.

main reason is ______.

i don’t know what’s got me so stern about her.

i want her to bother me, to talk to me, give me those little gifts i would always reject.

i want her to be with me like she is with heesung.

since she’s all i have in my mind, that caused a decline academically.

i wasn’t doing so well in tests or homework.

she’s ruining me for fucks sake.

“yeonjun? “ i looked up hoping to see ______.

i was disappointed.

“can i help you? “ i said quietly.

arin sat next to me nervously.

“you want to go to the fall dance with me?”

fall dance? completely forgot that was happening.

obviously i was planning to not go. but then the thought of making ______ jealous gives me a motive to do with arin.

i feel bad for using her, but i have to see if ______ still feels something for me.

“sure.”

“does my hair look good?” arin asked me as she turned for me to see.

“yes it looks fine.”

we were on our way to the hall where the dance takes place. for some reason i was nervous, my palms were sweaty as fuck.

i was dreading this dance, i don’t go to these things throughout high school. part of me was hopeful though.

as we entered my eyes were almost instantly drawn to a certain person.

______.

she looked stunning.

her dress, hair, shoes, makeup.

she was breathtaking.

but it all got ruined by the male by her side.

of course they came together.

“yeonjun! i’m talking to you.” that snapped me out of my thoughts.

“pardon?”

“let’s go dance yeonjunie.”

ground just swallow me up.

the night has been boring to say the least.

arin and i danced for a little bit, but then i went back to the table and she went with her friends.

all of this to not have ______ spare me a glance.

bored out of my mind i decided to go walk around outside.

i’m so glad i did.

“______?”

she looked up from her phone and looked at me.

i couldn’t read her expression which made me nervous for some reason.

“oh, hi yeonjun.”

this is it yeonjun, you have her all for yourself without that stupid heesung tagging along.

“how have you been?”

your p.o.v

what’s up with him now?

why’s he acting as if nothing happened? all the emotion s i felt with his words suddenly disappeared from his mind.

to say i was utterly confused was to say the least.

heesung had to leave early because he had an event with his parents, which left me alone since soobin didn’t want to come, as always.

so i decided to get some fresh air, and of course i ran into him.

“i’ve been doing fine really, nice talk, i have to go back.” i said trying to slide myself out of the conversation fast as possible.

but he stopped me.

he stopped me?

“look i wanted to clear the air between us you know? i shouldn’t have been so harsh with you that day, it wasn’t fair in my part.”

now he’s apologizing? out of nowhere?

he hated my guts and now he’s suddenly sorry?

“oh.”

“and after all that he starts apologizing and shit as if i didn’t cry myself to sleep because of him ugh.”

i was currently ranting to soobin every detail of last night, mostly about the yeonjun part.

“no he didn’t, did he think you’d forgive him that easily?”

“i know right? even though part of me wanted to just kiss him and forgive him, i controlled my emotions and just pretty much left him there.”

now why am i starting to feel guilty?

it’s what he deserves ______!

“as you should, you’re nicer than me cause i would’ve snapped at him to be honest.”

“of course you would, but you know, i still like him, a lot.”

“yeah yeah we all know that, but what about heesung? for the few times i’ve met him, he seems like a way nicer and better match for you. in my opinion.”

oh yeah, heesung…

“i like heesung but not like that, i see him like an older brother honestly, sure he’s handsome and all but, yeonjun is just like, on another level.”

“you’re down bad _______.”

of course the day i decide to straighten my hair it fucking rains.

and with my luck, i forgot my umbrella.

fuck my life.

i’m literally using newspaper to cover myself while waiting for the rain to calm down so i can go home since i normally walk.

soon the droplets were stopped by an umbrella.

“need some help?”

obviously it’s him.

clearly h needed one but i wasn’t going to give in.

“no thanks, the sky it’s starting to clear anyways.”

“seriously ______, take it.”

eventually i gave in and kindly took it.

i noticed the handle had his initials on it. cocky much?

how rich do you have to be for that?

“before you go ______, i still want to apologize for my actions, i know it’s not hard to forgive but do now i’m for real, i truly am sorry.”

his eyes. looked beautiful. he seems sincere, i hope i’m right.

as much as i tried to hold in all my words, they just threw themselves out of my mouth.

“do you know how much it hurt? those words coming out of the one boy you’ve ever liked? how stupid i felt? i understand i could’ve acted clingy and annoying but is it that hard to say it nicely?”

yeonjun p.o.v

i know i’m an asshole.

it hit hard the way she said that to me. i was the cause of it. im the reason she felt like shit, when she imply wanted to brighten my day or simply just talk to me.

yet i’m still hoping for forgiveness.

“i’m so sorry i made you feel like that, you had good intentions and-“ i stopped talking when i notice a slight tear fall from her eyes.

i immediately embraced her into a hug with no hesitation.

this wasn’t like me, i wouldn’t just grab someone for a hug, i barely liked hugs, only with my family i’m sure, so me , myself was surprised with my actions, i can just tell ______ was too.

even though i can feel her confusion, i felt her arms wrap around me hugging me tighter.

she was hugging me back?

a wave of emotions hit me.

does she still have feelings for me after everything i’ve done?

surely after some seconds we pulled away.

“i’m sorry, was that uncomfortable for you? i j-“

i cut her off.

“no _____, i found it comforting.”

it came a time where we both just stared into each other, forgetting the rain that was now dropping on our heads.

“let me give you a ride home.”

she hesitated for a moment but gave in to my offer.

we made our way to my car and i opened the passenger door for her to get in.

never did i think this would be happening.

the car ride was filled with silence, not the awkward type of it but more like a comfortable silence.

i even almost saw her eyelids drop.

“is it here?”

“yes, thank you so much yeonjun.”

“no problem, be careful, maybe we can hang out sometime? maybe be friends?”

“i’ll see, oh and by the way.” she said before taking out something from her bag.

a book.

my book.

i’ve been looking for it for weeks. how did she have it?

“you left it a while ago at your desk, i tried dropping it off at your house but that didn’t go so well..”

my heart warmed.

so that’s what she was trying to tell me what she came to my house.

i’m a real douchebag.

my attraction for her just got stronger and stronger that i pulled her into a kiss.

your p.o.v

HES KISSING ME?

shithsitshitshitshit.

how do i act? do i pull away? do i kiss back? do i just run away ? fuck.

i eventually decide to kiss him back and let me tell you.

it was better than what i imagined. can this dude be anymore perfect?

i wrapped my hands around his neck while his were around my cheeks.

this is like a dream come true for me, i still can’t believe this is happening.

as we pulled away we didn’t move away from each other and stayed close.

my heart cannot stop jumping .

“are you sure you just want to be friends choi yeonjun?”

oh soobin is not gonna believe me.

#choi yeonjun #yeonjun x reader #txt fanfic #txt x reader #beomgyu x reader #taehyun x reader #heesung #hueningkai x reader #soobin x reader #txt angst #txt fluff #opposites attract #txt #yeonjun

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borderlinereminders · 1 month

Note

this might be too personal/complicated/heavy for you to answer, no problem at all if you just delete this ask

tw: suicidal ideation

I have no idea to who and how it is okay to talk to about suicidal thoughts. I'm not looking for help, I'm coping well at the moment, it's just really really lonely to keep quiet about something that feels so big and i would like to have someone to share my problems with, but I am very scared to overburden people like i used to do and make them worried for my life every time i retreat and disappear for a while.

It looks like I'm not getting any therapist in the next couple years. I tried to talk to a psychiatric nurse about this when I was in a clinic, but she made that conversation about why im afraid to tell others, implying that the negative consequences I see are mostly just anxiety. Which, uh, they are definitely not and that conversation was pretty discouraging.

I'm trying my best and for the moment I'm doing pretty well, but I don't believe that I'll get old. I'd like to talk about that to some close friends, but it seems like a way too big emotional burden to put on someone who would probably blame themselves if something does happen. I don't have a diagnosis yet, so I don't know if I could access self help groups either.

It would be nice if you could share how you would handle this and your thoughts?

Either way, thank you for your work<3

Hi anon!

How I’ve dealt with this is I’ve sat down and had the hard conversations with my loved ones about what their boundaries are and what mine are.

Some of my friends will ask me if I’m in a head space for a heavy topic before telling me things. That’s a really respectful thing to do! Certain people, like my best friend, have my consent to just dump whatever in a text to me or call me at any time with a heavy topic. I have different rules for different relationships.

Talk to your friends about these feelings of being unsure what’s okay to share. It’s so valid to be unsure but I honestly find people appreciate being approached and asked what’s okay. Maybe you can come up with some guidelines together. Each relationship is different and each person has their own boundaries. There’s no one answer.

#suicidal ideation #April answers

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shallowseeker · 11 days

Note

btw i know you said asks off so i wont be offended if you refuse to answer but im always thinking about how touched cas must feel when dean comes storming in during the diner scene in lily sunder... his friends care about him!!!!! :)

Oh. Hehe. I guess when I turned it off, I only turned off anon asks. :-)

No, no. Not offended at all. I just turned off the anon asks cause I was getting a lot of bizarre messages, some of them really out of line. (I think mostly due to me posting a Rowena-pegs-Sam joke on a poll that was apparently more high-stakes to some folks than I ancitpated.).

BUT YES LILY SUNDER OH GOD LET'S HAVE LILY SUNDER HOURS TOGETHER

You know, I wonder! I think he was touched, but he was feeling some mixed emotions, too. Namely, irritation and eventually horror.

I'm not the best Cas understander out there, so maybe a Cas-pert can weight in but... here we go.

///

At the beginning of the episode, we find Dean and Cas in a Cold War, both irritable with one another for...simply put, being heroes. Neither wants the other to "be a hero" and get hurt. The feeling is mutual.

Cas wanted to protect Dean from his stupid deal, and then Mary stepped in to take on the burden of the stupid deal, and then Cas stepped in to override Mary and got Cursed (TM).

OMG Look at Dean's FACE when Cas says, "I have to go."

////

And yes, it appears you're right. He wanted their support!

///

I wonder how heavily Cas's need for appreciation is weighted into this?

I'm thinking particularly of this line: "...and appreciative, too!"

He wants Dean to appreciate his heroics.

We see this desire repeated in the 12x19 Future script, with the mental picture of a strong, shirtless Cas and the hyperfocused closeup of Dean saying, "Thank you..."

///

And Dean is grateful.

From Sam's words, it sounds like Dean is the one who started the Cold War. The end of this episode will bookend with Dean trying to put to words why he's so pissy.

(He's worried.)

///

Looking at the diner scene today...

I honestly think annoyance might be winning for Cas overall. :D

///

He needed to talk the soldier talk, and he does: complimenting his fellow soldiers' dominations of their vessels and "keeping them" all these years.

Yikes, I'm not sure he'd engage in that kind of "angel bro talk" with Sam and Dean present. It's like they're talking about their cars.

Cas is here with one goal in mind, to get intel. He resolves to be cool-headed.

And Cas resolves to put up with it. For the sake of strategy and intel.

///

But then Dean charges in, and this is the face of an angel "losing face" and alllllll his negotiation power:

Sam and Dean have unwittingly taken away his ability for locker-room talk.

///

And then, things go to Hell. Ishim gets mad.

///

With a lap-full of Dean, Cas tries to salvage what little trust he had: "I only brought Sam and Dean."

And Dean, in Ishim's eyes, starts "mouthing off" and "getting cute." He hates it.

(I think Ishim reads them, and he's jealous about it, to be honest. Cas was everything Ishim wanted to be as a soldier, and Cas's humans truly love him.)

///

And Ishim continues his insults, which has the effect of successfully drawing Dean AND Sam into an argument as they defend Cas.

///

Cas tries to give Sam a BIG hint.

And then... Cas loses the discussion. Ishim closes up and decides NOT to play ball. Ishim redirects, "I have a safe house nearby."

This is a face of, "fuck you guys. Look what you did. You've made him shut down AND he's demanding I move the conversation to a 'safe place.'"

And a safe place like that is safer for ISHIM but not for Cas. It's not the outcome Cas wanted. He wanted to get to the meat of things: intel.

And he wanted to do it in a public place with backup.

///

Now that I look, I think... I think yes, he's certainly touched to have their support, but in the moment, his annoyance is winning out.

This has the vibes of, "Don't make things needlessly complicated, as you humans tend to do."

YOU DESTROYED MY NEGOTIATION, DEAN.

///

Later, of course, there's the fight.

And Ishim wipes the floor with them.

This and what happens with Ramiel in Stuck in the Middle with You are two of Cas's worst moments. I think they're huge parts of what triggers his lone wolfism at the end of this season.

He may want support, but he doesn't want them to protect him.

That's unacceptable / devastating / frightening!

(Cas, afraid he's going to have to watch Dean die.)

Dean lowers his hand, and we don't GET Cas's reaction when he does, but I can imagine it was one of the most devastating moments of his life.

Aside/// Someone smarter than me... Is that even a proper banishing sigil? It doesn't have the usual triangle that I've seen the boys use. I know Samuel used some different ones...

///

And Ishim, who already "read" Dean in the dinner, is now wanting to punish Castiel for having THE THING HE HIMSELF wanted...

...and so of course he calls his bluff: "That's what I thought."

//////

I rate it MIXED. I think Cas is having majorly mixed feelings about all this! I think he wants his family's support, but when he finally gets it, it's the WORST feeling. It's maybe the worst thing that's ever happened to him.

#thank you #i love asks from you guys #and i don't even mind wank sometimes i get great ideas from wank!#i just have low resilience for creepy mean asks right now #<3 #you though are an angel #but not like a spn angel #like a metaphorical angel #lily sunder #spn lily sunder has some regrets #spn season 12 #spn 12x14 #spn steve yockey

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gatheringbones · 2 years

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genuine question: how do you stand the loneliness? i'm in my mid 20s and ive never been loved in a way that didnt hurt. i dont want to have to run after ppl begging for the smallest scrap of affection anymore but i keep turning up ppl who, even though they are interested in me and seem generally decent, arent ready to lower their walls and let me in, so its either that or nothing, and im so fucking lonely. i try to bury myself in work and going out as much as i can, but sometimes it hits me, and i dont know how to stand it anymore. i just want to be able to be kind to someone and treat them with all the love and affection i have, and not have to guard myself at the same time or be afraid of them or feel like i can never be sure with them. i think you've been lonely like that for a long time, too, and i dont have anyone who understands. i know the only advice you can give is probably "endure and continue to have self respect", but i dont know how to do that without also becoming small, and sad, and worn out from all the loneliness. if there's anything you can think of that helped you get through it, please tell me--i dont want to burden or overwhelm you, but i dont know what to do anymore, and like i said, you seem like you've survived a couple of those sorts of droughts and i dont have anyone else to talk to about this

so on those first few early dates with c when she was either driving an hour up north or I was taking the bus two hours down to see her, I was so rattled by the experience of building intimacy with someone else that I couldn’t really think of what we ought to do with each other on our dates. In the end I decided: we would just do what I ordinarily did to build intimacy with myself, which meant taking lots of long walks all over residential seattle. and I’d been living there for over ten years at that point, getting around either by walking or by bus. before that I’d lived in the sticks. before that I’d lived in the part of the sticks that wasn’t connected to the power grid. my earliest memories are long lonely walks. long lonely walks were my primary coping mechanism for debilitating post traumatic stress and survivor’s guilt. and with c it was wild because. it was exactly like going on these walks with myself, only I was more of myself and these walks were more of what they were. what’s more the internal map of the city I had built in my feet over a decade was suddenly of use. all of the time and neurons I had put into building it were relevant to the present situation.

i packed a backpack once. water and a cheeseboard with a little cheese knife and a can of prosecco and a can of kirin for c and lots of little cheeses and salamis and fruits and veggies and chocolate almonds. And I took c on a long meandering walk that I knew from memory; fremont to the crown hill cemetery to the stairs leading down to golden gardens to the beach at sunset. all places I’d been by myself and taken my friends to before. places I’d taken myself to after packing myself a snack and bringing my journal and quite literally staring across the water at a home that would kill me if I ever returned to it. all that time mattered. the time I had spent in that place making those friendships and mourning that life and building that intimacy with myself and the city mattered.

All the years before— giving, giving, gifts to those who could not care, would not give back. How well we made a feast together. Those years of waste were over.

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armandjolras · 5 months

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This will be rambly and overly personal, but ive been wanting to talk about Fosca as chronic illness representation, and why the musical version of her is especially relatable in this sense.

(I also haven’t read the book, so maybe some changes im attributing to the musical are from the book)

In the movie, Fosca’s illness almost seems an extension of her ugliness, meant to horrify the viewer. Ugliness takes focus as her main burden; we’re told that she was shunned for her looks as a child and are shown many jumpscare shots of her face. Sickness is merely a consequence of ugliness. When not acutely ill, she seems quite healthy, even energetic. (Obviously having seizures is a very serious illness in real life, i just mean the way it’s presented in the movie).

Most interesting to me, she doesn’t seem depressed at all; she’s quite upbeat and witty. Her manipulative toxicity in the movie doesn’t come from depression, but rather because she’s never been treated as a woman due to being an outcast, so she doesn’t feel she has to adhere to the decorum of one.

In the musical, I see Fosca’s illness as being much more than just an extension of being ugly. It appears to affect her continuously between acute episodes, and she moves wearily as if fighting pain and discomfort at every moment. While suffering over ugliness still caused her illness in this version, that ugliness is not as emphasised. We’re told that her parents loved her rather than shunning her, so she wasn’t an outcast, and she’s depicted as more pathetic spinster than scary Nosferatu.

She is also clearly depressed. In my opinion, her toxic behaviour comes not from flouting social norms, but from the desperation of depression. Maybe others also relate to being depressed and behaving badly as a cry for help, unable to stop despite knowing you’re being toxic, because you need acknowledgment from people. I see Fosca’s behaviour this way. Georgio is the first person who is nice to her, so she physically can’t stop trying to extract love from him by any means, even when she admits she’s in the wrong.

I relate to Fosca strongly in this. Since 2020 I’ve struggled with multiple chronic illnesses which have limited my physical abilities; today I cant even sit upright for more than 15 minutes, some days less. Since I dont have any family or friends in the country where I’m living, and went through diagnosis and surgery alone mid Covid, at times I’ve felt very isolated. In 2022 i could tell I was behaving a lot like Fosca — I didnt do anything super toxic, but I was putting too much emotional burden on my long-distance parents even as I knew I was stressing them out and upsetting them. It felt like such a compulsion, because I was scared and isolated and wanted someone else to know how much I was suffering so I wouldn’t be alone it it. I’m much healthier mentally now, but that took therapy and medication which Fosca doesn’t have. Its a terrible feeling to see your world getting smaller and your dreams becoming less possible, and going through that alone.

I’ve had a lot of frustration towards how my illnesses have limited what I can do, and i have to make an effort not to be resentful towards healthier people. The line “I read about the joys the world / Dispenses to the fortunate / And listen for the echoes” really captures this. “I know how soon a dream becomes an expectation / How can I have expectations?” When your world gets smaller, you have to give up your hopes bit by bit so you dont get hurt. “Look at me / No, captain, look at me / Look at me!” In her desperation she demands his attention, even when she knows she’s being rude and repelling him, she just feels compelled to connect with someone.

I know “I Read” can be interpreted as being about her ugliness rather than of physical illness, and maybe that actually is the correct interpretation. But I’m very convinced that musical Fosca is depressed in a way that movie Fosca is not, and most of her words and actions stem from that. I also believe that by placing less emphasis on her shocking ugliness, it only makes since that a lot of her suffering is due to her physical illness.

(And I also relate to Fosca’s final letter, where she says that appreciating the beauty in the world around you makes you want to go on living. Being ill has taught me to be much more grateful for small things in life.)

Other disclaimers: I dont mean Fosca’s suffering in the movie is NOT about her illness, in both versions its a combo of ugliness + illness. I just think they’re in different ratios. Also im not trying to be a Fosca apologist, I know shes super toxic and a stalker and essentially an incel, and also super annoying, I just understand her perspective. And finally I do like movie Fosca! Shes iconic I just relate to musical Fosca more.

#passion musical #sorry this is so personal and tmi I just wanted to share!#Interested whether others feel the same about movie vs musical fosca #its ok to interact with/reblog/etc this post btw

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s0lar-ch3ri · 1 year

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haha okay but what if (big fucking spoilers, on my theory shit finally)

its so crazy how tightly connected the albatross is to the black sea but like...gillions prophecy.

land or sea, one is fucking going. and i have a big of a theory on how. im only syarting ep 91 today so obvi therr could be evidence saying im fucking dumb but anyways lets talk

i think gillion is going to have to control the creatures that attacked the black rose, and have them be unleashed in one area to peotect the other. unleash it onto the seas, killing them all off and protecting those for aster, or follow the wishes of lunadeyis (could be mispelling not sure) and destroy the oversea.

now before i talk on how gillion will do it, why the black sea? well, like i said, everything is so heavily connected to it. in the black rose oneshot, the ship goes down in thhe black sea AND the ending scene is the pirates trying to take something (i think, not sure on that part though) but the room fills with black liquid. every person whos made a deal with niklaus has spewed out black ink (or mist, i forgot) upon their defeat, not including gillion with the excuse of that hes a played character and can resist death. arlin supposedly is in the black sea, and niklaus has a deal with each of the co-captains, chips being more in regard to getting arlin back. if the black sea played such a big part before, surely grizzly would have something dramatic for it, right?

now, why is it gillion and not chip, the one who fell here first and could be seen the closest to the black sea of all? well, sure chip now has magic, but gillion has had similar magic to the black sea, ill explain what i mean. im fairly certain gills vortex warp has been used with like tentacles once or something, he was the first to make the deal with niklaus so that adds more to it, he literally can sniff out good and evil, and hes the one with the command spell. dont forget, hes the fucking chosen one! i feel like niklaus is pretty connected to the black sea, so in turn gillion must be.

what better way to tie the story together then having all of gillions burdens come back in 10 fold, making him have to make an impromptu decision, land or sea? the hero, the one who cannot bear to leave anyone for dead, has to choose which people to kill, his friends families or his own? what a dramatic twist. (also he has control of water so that fucking is sick too)

anyways itd also be epic if pretzel was related to the tentacle creature beast and fucking killed it lol also help me im scared

#jrwishow #jrwi podcast #jrwi #jrwi riptide #jrwi show #just roll with it #jrwi spoilers #jrwi chip #jrwi gillion #gillion tidestrider #jrwi niklaus #jrwi theory #jrwi riptide spoilers #riptide spoilers #just roll with it riptide #riptide theory jrwi #help me im scared at me #jerwee supreme

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firefly--bright · 1 year

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all my daughters.

jean kirstein x gender neutral!reader (modern au)

summary : the crushing weight of everything and everyone changing is a bit too much. jean wants to bear the burdens with you.

warnings : hurt/comfort, mostly just therapy for my crumbling mental state, amateur symbolisms (?), established relationship, no use of y/n (im trying smth new) not proofread!!!!!

a/n : this is kinda like flaws but worse? idk I just needed to write something to comfort me and I'll be nothing if I don't use my writing to fix me <3 anyway! self projection as always but I love you if you relate to this and I'm always here to listen if you need someone to talk to. I'm also probably gonna take a hiatus after this fic but we'll see (I'm here to talk to regardless of that!) <3 i honestly don't expect this fic to get that much traction but anyway! enjoy!

taglist : @holding-ishu-and-a-book , @mrsnobodynobody

masterlist is linked in pinned post! ✿ requests for jean kirstein are open! ✿ enter my taglist ✿

inspired by these songs : all my daughters (demo) by dodie

ajib dastan hai yeh by Lata Mangeshkar

you were used to contradictory sentences. double negatives that were only meant to confuse you, double positives that you thought meant anything but, adorned with a sarcastic smile and a roll of the eyes that left you needing to figure the meaning out yourself.

jean was a walking contradictory sentence. he was a walking double negative, one that you didn't know how to understand. he was blunt but sweet, cold and warm, never being in one spot with his feelings, always on his feet but not running away. somehow he stayed.

all your friends were moving on. every one - sasha was moving out with her boyfriend niccolo, a chef who she had become extremely close to over the past year and who treated her in the highest of regards. your other roomate, Mikasa, was also moving out, but not with her boyfriend, eren, as you had suspected but instead for a chase of starting a new flourishing business of selling handcrafted oxidised jewellery online. that and being closer to eren, she had explained to both you and sasha.

Marco wasnt moving, per say, but he was already applying for his masters in law to broaden his perspective, and there was a prospect of him going abroad for his soon to approach future. he was currently visiting his extended family. Connie, surprisingly, was the first of your friend group to actually get a job at a marketing firm, and even if it was sort of exhausting, people praised Connie's charms and puns that made people buy the products. he was also helping Mikasa with her business, alongside eren and armin.

jean, currently making dinner for the pair of you in your mostly empty apartment, was also interning for an architectural firm. well, he hadn't started yet, but he did get accepted with the interview he gave last month.

and you? even though you were currently looking for new roomates to occupy the now empty spaces in the apartment, you felt lost. sure, you had a plan, and had also applied for a handful of internships, but that didn't mean you knew what you were doing.

you were used to keeping things and people in boxes. it started ever since you were in middle school and had just heard about books like Harry Potter and divergent, books that had a clear distinction of which people belonged where. you'd define people with those distinctions so it was easy to figure them out; it was easier to think of someone in a faction or Hogwarts houses or godly parent instead of actually trying to figure them out with all their complexeties. eventually it graduated into astrological signs that were probably all bullshitted anyway, and into MBTI types. there was always an explanation for something, and if it wasn't given them you'd find it out for yourself as you always had. but you couldn't go by those simple classifications anymore. they were too narrow and too claustrophobic.

but you also hated too-wide expanses that came with simply existing. the expanse of your unknown lifespan, the limitlessness of unlimited time, the enormous amount of things you had yet to learn. it was easy to get lost in nothing. how did your friends and family and all the people around you ever manage to make a clear path for themselves with a multitude of stops and landmarks when you didn't even have the basic gravel and stone and concrete to get started on making a road for yourself? would you be yet another chapter that ended in a fullstop in their thick books that they'd flip away from? the change - the uncertain steps - were never something you looked forward to.

helping mikasa and sasha move out was a challenge, another full stop in their books, helping Connie by teaching him how to properly format professional emails was another landmark that he passed, seeing Marco off at the airport before he caught his flight was another certain step.

the wide tumultous blue of the sea that you were floating in and it's unnerving depth used to be somewhat manageable. you had been swimming with your friends for a long time until your fingertips got all shriveled up, but now it seemed as though they had all swam away from you and towards a shore they were looking forward to, but you werent. the horizon line was all you could see, and you dared not to open your eyes underwater to see how deep the water was.

you were happy for them, ofcourse you were. you loved them with all your heart, and sections of your essential heart were left only for them with their names carved into the ridges of your brain. but the change was too much, too empty, too wide, too limitless, too uncertain.

a knock on the wood of your bedroom door made you turn your swivel chair towards the noise, and jean stood there against the doorframe, leaning on it. "dinner's ready. didn't know which movie to watch, though." he said, and only half of his words are registered by your ears.

you nod, your lips quirking up only slightly. "I'll be there in a bit," you say, watching Jean's brows knit closer together. you loved the way his forehead crinkled in obvious worry and concentration, but you didn't have the tongue to speak out your admirations.

he tilts his head. ever the observant, he asks, "what's wrong?"

his tone is patient. his words demand acknowledgement.

you sigh a little, knowing you can't hide anything from him. you thanked that quality of his, even if it was a little inconvenient at times, because his unrelenting persistence was the reason you felt so loved today, the reason you and jean had gotten closer in the first place.

your shoulders slump, "i dont know how to explain it," you say, because it's true, but also because even if you could explain it, you wouldn't know where to begin. but you begin anyway, even though you know it would end with you trailing off. jean would understand anyway as he always had. "just.... everything's changing... and I, i dont know, i dont really like change, I guess." there's a pause and you refuse to look at his face which you're sure is observing yours carefully as he always does. "it's just...too much." you say, shrugging at the end. "it's too much and I don't know how to deal with this. like everyone's dealing with it better than I am and I don't even know if I've....if I've grown much, if at all. i dont know what I'm supposed to do. i dont know what my role is, like i just, i wish there was an author writing my life so I'd know what to do because I don't know how to...how to do everything myself. i-" you didn't know when the lump had formed in your throat, refusing to be swallowed down anymore after being ignored for months on end. "i dont know anything, jean, and it's scary." you say, and your eyes don't shed tears even if theyre stinging. you wish you could cry just to get it over with.

you were probably overreacting. everyone was doing so great with themselves, and at the end of the day, it wasn't a big deal. so what if everyone would move on with their lives? wasn't that what was supposed to happen? so what if your friends would probably forget you? shouldn't you be glad that you had them in the first place? wasn't it better to have felt alive for the first time than to not have felt it in the first place?

warm and sturdy arms wrapped around your unshaken frame, and you were pulled away from your rolling chair to sit down on your bed. the mattress dipped comfortably under you as it always had and jean smelt like he always did and you took comfort in the predictability. your sheets would smell the same today and tomorrow and the day after, your clothes would be in the same closet, your mirror would be in its same place in the bathroom and jeans arms would always hold you softly.

he held you for a couple minutes as you wallowed in your own sea. your legs were in his lap, leaning your weight on his arms. your eyes were closed, and you felt his warm hands rubbing circles in their place on your thigh and on your back.

you speak again, feeling the need to be understood even though you already were. "i just wish that... that I could freeze time whenever I have a good day." you say, and it's the final nail in your coffin and the final scoop of dirt on your grave. it's all you have to say, it's all jean needs to hear as he holds you a little tighter.

he hums in thought, no doubt thinking of a proper response. sometimes you wish you could take a peek inside his head, just to see, even for a useless moment, what he was thinking about. and more selfishly, if it was about you.

but that didn't matter because who was jean if he didn't speak his mind? his cheek rests on the top of your head and you can feel his warmth, and you wish you could let his warmth spread all over you, you wish that it would ignore the barrier of your skin and go straight to your organs and muscles because your warmth hadn't felt like it had been yours for a very long time and Jean's heat would be much more than welcome. but that was wishful thinking and you feel him kiss the top of your head instead, and you accept it.

"you know," he finally starts, and you can hear his heartbeat. "when we first met I had one of the moments you're talking about. the want to like.... somehow freeze the moment and just relive it forever." he says. you don't move, you don't dare remove your head from his shoulder afraid that if you did, he'd be another thing lost to the depths of your mind.

he continued. "what I'm saying is, i know what you're scared of. that your friends will forget you and move on without you. but... i dont think they will. i dont think anyone can. don't you think just like you have parts of them in you that they have parts of you in them? I've seen it. sasha started talking like you like a month after you guys moved in together. Mikasa likes buying flowers now. Marco texts like you. Connie has so many jokes that only you'd understand. and i-" he says, cutting himself short with a small breathy chuckles that makes your heart dangerously stutter, "i dont think that, god forbid, if we were to ever not be together, i dont think that i would ever be able to forget you. but that's probably because I'm in love with you and that's not changing for atleast this lifetime," another short laugh, "i dont think any of our friends, any of your past friends could ever forget that you existed. i mean, you'd always be there. youd always exist even if it is in the back of their minds.

"and you don't have to know everything. it's not a race. it's just...a nice walk, if anything. you don't have anyone or anything to catch up to. you can take your time, love, and i know it's hard convincing yourself of that, but you can. and if it's any consolation," he says, grabbing your hand that had formed into a loose fist on your knee, encasing your hand in his, "I'm...I'll be here. even if we aren't talking, which I'm pretty sure won't happen, but even if it does, I'm here. i will be." he says, squeezing your fist.

his words breathe comfort into your lungs that rested inside the prison your ribs had become. your chest felt a little lighter, the stubborn knots in your stomach were slowly undoing themselves and maybe his words didn't undo any damage nor did they paint over it but they did help heal.

you breathe in deeply, burrowing yourself even further in his shoulder, and he thankfully gets the message as he holds you tighter, like he's the only twine holding you together. you nod, and he kisses the crook where your shoulders meet your neck.

"thank you," you whisper, something that could get lost in his clothes but he catches it and shakes his head. you know what he's going to say before he even says it and you smile a little.

maybe jean was a contradiction to himself, a double negative, a not not persistence. and maybe you did feel lost, maybe time had swam away from the desperate deathgrip you had on it. but jean was there. he wasn't a fullstop or a chapter, he was more of a "okay, and," sentence, something that continued over with a comma, and he wasn't a guide that held your hand towards the shore, but he was more of an insistent presence that helped you not drown by holding your hand. he wasn't the shore itself, but he did provide the comfort of finding footing against the depths.

not a race, not a stand, just a walk. a walk with your hand in Jean's, a walk with uncertain but hopeful steps.

not a book, not a chapter, just scribbles of incoherent but excited writing in a diary.

#jean kirstein x reader #jean kirschstein x reader #jean kirstein #jean kirstein x you #aot #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan

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