#Idk if that would count as self harm or not sorry to anyone who sees this

[dread-knight]

I picked at a pimple on my face the other night then I picked at the scab earlier today and it’s still painful and red around and I’m worried it’s infected and will spread to my jaw somehow and I’ll die. Can my brain like chill the fuck out please I need to sleep

[un2-verse]

BILLY — Kim Taehyung (1)

》 News of a Sadistic Serial Killer nicknamed “Jigsaw” is spreading around town like wildfire… the nickname stemming from the puzzle piece he cuts from every victim’s body. No one knows who he’ll trap next but in a town full of delinquents and criminals, it could never be you. Right? 《

pairings: john kramer!taehyung x female reader

warnings: dark themes, angst, yandere, murder, torture, self harm, suicide, stalking etc.... (will add more when i know lol) although it is rather innocent in the first couple chapters(?) so idk it could be slow burn but i guess we’ll find out as i write it >< ,, it’s my version of saw if saw was a fucked up love story lol. Please don’t read if any of the topics mentioned trigger you!! 18+

this fic is exactly that, fiction!!!! the au does not represent the characters mentioned irl......

synopsis: you end up lost on the other side of town, where you cross paths with a handsome stranger, kim taehyung, only.... are you a stranger to him?

[a/n: daffodils represent; love me, sympathy, desire and affection returned...]

word count: 3k

series masterlist

part two

——————————————————————————

Hiding behind a mask was something you were accustomed to. Your friend group and family were clueless to the torment you endured from simply existing. You were confident your masking had convinced the world you were happy with yourself. Unbeknown to you, one other person saw straight through your façade.

You wanted to end your life.

He needed you to cherish your life.

Nothing looked familiar. The café you frequented was nowhere to be found. Your usual hangout was most definitely not on the side of town you found yourself in. You felt anxiety slowly curl its way around your body, you were frigid. You tried and tried but couldn’t find it in yourself to run.

You lived in the more friendly part of town (so to speak) – where houses were colourful, gardens pristine, warm-hearted neighbours who would treat you like family and white picket fences are what surrounded you. That was your norm, sure, you weren’t exactly loaded but you weren’t exactly poor either. It was a healthy balance in the middle. That’s not to say you hadn’t lived or seen this side of town before.

Your Mother and Father had grown up on this side of the fence. Two young people brought up in the rougher, more unfortunate areas. Your Mother was tough; she looked like a naïve, weak girl, albeit that was not the case. She was strong willed, used to life on the streets and doing anything she could to get money to make sure there was at least some food on the table. While your Mum was the leader, your Dad was more of a sheep. He was easily influenced and was dragged into the wrong crowd (had his fair share with drugs and street racing). That was their life for a few years till they crossed paths and your Mum helped your Dad get back on the right track.

They didn’t tell you much about their childhood and adolescence but they told you enough to make you appreciate what you have and to always work hard for it. To stick with the right people, be wise and conscious of your decisions. Be kind to those around you.

Your family owned a garage; your Dad was the head mechanic. This was the sole reason you were here. You knew it wouldn’t be simple when you agreed to go to this side of town to get a few bits for your Father’s shop. However, you didn’t expect it to be this difficult. How could you be so stupid? Why didn’t you just ask Hoseok and Yoongi to come with you like your father told you to? Or at least tell them where you were… yet you decided today of all days to be stubborn and venture on yourself, knowing full well how unsafe the area was. There were rundown businesses on either side of the road, beggars at every doorstep; drug dealings happening in broad daylight, no one even trying to hide it.

You felt your phone buzz in your pocket, you took it out and sighed a breath of relief once you’d read the texts.

14:37— From Papa: U ok munchkin ??? Did u get the stuff ?

14:39— From Papa: its ok if u didnt. Yoongs rang said hes got majority this morning lol so be safe n get home soon . Love u

14:40— To Papa: ohhh ok pops, i couldn’t find the shop anyway lol i’ll head back soon, love u too x

*LOW BATTERY*

“Fuck, trust me to forget to charge the bastard.” You rolled your eyes as you stuffed the phone back in your pocket.

Muffled shouting was heard around you. People ran across the street, bumping into you as they ran past. You gathered yourself and moved further down the path. “Great!” you exasperated, “honestly I’m so fucking stupid! Yoongi’s gonna kill me for this, I knew, I knew I should’ve told him I was coming over here but no,” your head was hung low as you dragged your feet across the pavement, “maybe I could tell Hobi, he wouldn’t be as angry right? I’m sure he’ll come,“ A sudden scream ripped you out of your chuntering. You whipped your head to the right, you could make out some figures bustling about in front of you, a group of men were quite clearly fighting… your anxiety struck you and you held your breath as you saw a man pull a knife from the waistband of his sweatpants. All thoughts and common sense seemed to leave all at once. Statue like, feet stuck to the ground. You watched on as the group rushed towards the brown haired man, you scanned his figure: tall, broad, confident… he exuded an intimidating aura even when you were this far away from him.

How could someone be so sure of themselves? It was one against five, surely the loner had no chance?

The glistening of the knife brought you back to your senses. Fucking hell. How do you always end up in these situations when you’re alone? Why me? Why? Good Lord, I need to run. Just as you were about to leave, the group who were arguing charged past you; one gripped his side as another supported his weight. Holy fuck, did he stab him? you stood frozen, yet again, your mind raced a mile a minute. Panic bubbled in your chest.

“You okay there Doll?” His voice was deep, velvet-like. It flowed so smoothly you doubted it was real, it was so soothing like it had wrapped itself around you, embracing your body. You heard his footsteps before he planted himself beside you. His shoulder reached the top of your head, his hand brushed yours. Swallowing your nerves you dared a glance up. He was fucking breath-taking, like a fallen angel. The stranger shot you a small smile that you would’ve easily missed had you not been staring at his features… a blush crept up your neck as you nodded. His smile slowly twisted into a smirk.

Cute, Taehyung thought to himself. Couldn’t help but adore the way you slightly trembled under his gaze, the way your hands gripped and twisted your sweater paws. Almost like a puppy. He cleared his throat and reached his hand to yours, “Sorry, I should’ve introduced myself. I’m Taehyung.” you took his hand into yours, apprehensively you greeted him, “I’m Y/N.”

“Ah, Y/N. I haven’t seen you round here before, you new or something?” Taehyung cocked his head to the side, his eyes seemed to stare right through you.

“Uhm, I don’t live here. I live over the other part of Town… I was just grabbing some stuff for my Dad but, my phones about to die. I have no idea where I am or how to get home, I’m sorry, I promise I didn’t see anything!” a deep chuckle cut you off, Taehyung smiled and beckoned you to follow him.

“Come on Y/N, you’re not suited for this side of Town, I’ll walk you back. A pretty little thing like you, you’re easy prey to these guys.” your feet fell into a cautious pace behind him, he glanced over his shoulder, “hurry up Buttercup, I don’t bite.” Taehyung flashed a boxy grin in your direction, which caused you to speed up ever so slightly.

You were unsure how you felt about letting a complete stranger walk you home, Yoongi would definitely kill you for this. Especially with the recent news of some serial killer named ‘Jigsaw’, Yoongi and Hoseok had been very stern and their usual, overprotective selves when the news had broken out. “It’s on every headline Y/Nie! No more leaving the house on yourself, you need to go anywhere you ring either of us. Got it? Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know either. There’s some dodgy fucks about recently.” Although, you loved them dearly, sometimes their protectiveness was a...little overbearing. You already felt suffocated from your parents (you didn’t need it from your best friends as well). They were happy and believed you to be too; but that was exhausting, faking happiness. You had a constant façade, acted like a happy normal teenager with a happy family; when that was far from the truth.

Drowning. That’s how you’d explain the way you felt. Breathing was difficult and brought you more pain than it was worth. Growing up was tedious, you had grown differently to your peers which only brought ridicule and embarrassment for you. You had struggled with your speech (sometimes you still do), you often stuttered, mispronounced words, the list was endless. That was one of the first reasons you were a castaway. As you grew, the ridicule worsened. Verbal abuse turned physical from your classmates. They made you feel like you were a waste of space. The names they called you, you soon started to believe them. Ugly. Weird. Freak. Stupid. They took root in your brain, slowly they grew and grew till your head was overgrown with twisted, rotten weeds.

Eventually, you sought comfort in blood. You didn’t care that it hurt you; you were almost happy to feel pain. Like you deserved to.

By age 14, you had started to skip school. Only ever there for exams and a couple of art classes you had with Jeongguk. He was what you would’ve called a best friend, he supported you and was by your side till you left school. He went away to college and like always with school friends, you drifted apart. Nevertheless, he still texts you now and then to check in.

Although you were (once) close with Jeongguk. He never knew of your inner demons, the same with Yoongi and Hoseok. You didn’t want to feel like a burden and worry your friends when they had shit to worry about themselves.

Why devastate flowers that flourish beautifully with weeds that manage to twist their way around every crack?

You had walked for a few minutes now, having chatted absentmindedly about anything and everything. The roads still didn’t look familiar to you and you just wished they did, you didn’t want to be away from your home any longer, your feet were starting to ache, your phone was on 10% battery and it was fucking cold. You just wanted to be back in bed tucked up watching Lady and the Tramp or 101 Dalmatians for the millionth time. You felt safe and content when you indulged in your comfort films. Far away from the real world and wrapped up in the false reality. They easily distracted you and that's when you truly felt at peace. Your mind was always too busy thinking about how cute it was when Tramp calls Lady, Pidge or how in love Pongo and Perdy were.

Majority of the time you fantasised about having a love similar, but then again, why would you wanna make yourself vulnerable like that? Is the risk of being hurt (more than you are now) any good? Of course it’s not. Fuck that, life isn’t nothing like those shitty romance films or novels… It’s real and painful.

As you and Taehyung rounded the corner, a little cafe caught your eye, a dainty blue and pink building. Fairy Lights strung up around the windows, you could see a handful of people inside, busy sipping their drinks and chatting away to one another. ‘Aroma Mocha’ hung above the doors. It looked so cute and simple. Your previous thoughts left your mind as quick as they had come. You wanted to go inside, it had an enticing atmosphere.

Taehyung hadn’t realised you’d stopped walking until he couldn’t hear the soft thud of your footsteps behind him, he turned as he called out to you, your eyes still fixed on the cafe. He chuckled to himself, “Fucking adorable, like a kid at christmas,” he walked back over to you. “Hey Doll, you wanna go in?” He felt his heart quicken when you looked at him with those pretty eyes, “We’ve plenty of time to get you back before it’s dark angel.” You answered him with a nod as you turned your head from Taehyung to look back at the alluring little cafe.

Not a second had passed before Taehyung grabbed your hand and pulled you across the road to the entrance; you ignored the warmth of his hand as it intertwined with yours; you ignored the way your tummy erupted with butterflies. Taehyung had stopped to hold the door for you, you murmured a small, “thank you,” looking up at him, the heat that crept up your cheeks making your face resemble that of a doll’s he thought to himself. Once he ushered you fully inside, he placed his hand to rest on the curve of your waist as he guided you to the back corner of the room, where a quaint table for two was unoccupied, a little pot of Daffodils sat atop. How fitting...

Taehyung was quick to pull the chair out for you to take a seat, you pulled it in as you sat down and sent a shy smile his way, “I’m sorry, I know we just met Taehyung but this place is so fucking precious! I hope I’m not bothering you, if I am we can just carry on walking or, I could ring a Taxi? Is this weird? Oh god, I can’t believe--”, Taehyung threw his head back as he laughed, a sound that seemed to wrap its way around your soul, twisting around your heart in the nicest of ways, it was almost like a killer to the weeds taking over your body. A temporary release. You felt like you could really breathe in those short seconds of his laughter.

“Angel, if you were bothering me, I’d have kept on walking. That, or I would’ve called you a Taxi myself, it’s no problem honestly.” You ducked your head as he sent a wink your way, fuck sake Y/N get it together! Why are you acting like a fucking schoolgirl?

“Well I uh, appreciate it so, yeah thank you?” You don’t know what to do, you’re here with the most gorgeous person you’ve ever laid your eyes on… yet you have no clue if what you saw was real, did Taehyung stab someone? Could someone have had the knife who wasn’t Taehyung? Was he even the person you saw in that altercation? Did you imagine everything that had gone off?

Before you had chance to overthink it, a light bubbly voice greeted your ears, “Hi! Welcome to Aroma Mocha, I’m Jimin and I’ll be your server today. Is there anything I can get you?” Jimin held his gaze on you as he flashed you a friendly smile, Taehyung turned around at the sound of his best friend, “Oh, Tae! I wasn’t expecting to see you today, what are you doing here? And who’s this pretty little lady?”

“This is Y/Nie, she was in the neighbourhood so we thought we’d nip in for something to drink before I take her back to hers.” you sent a warm smile to Jimin which he gladly returned, “I’ll have my usual and can you get Y/Nie a Strawberry Iced Tea? Thanks man.”

Once Jimin had disappeared to make your drinks, you shot your eyes to Taehyung, “Uhm, how’d you know I like Strawberry Iced Tea?” Taehyung didn’t even look in your direction as he scrolled through his phone, eyes glued to the screen. A minute passed by and he’d still not acknowledged your question so you let it slide, it wasn’t that big of a deal right? Your mind drifted. Your fingers rested atop of your lap, hidden from the sight of onlookers, picking around your nails as anxiety flooded your body. You felt like you were about to suffocate. You shouldn’t be talking to anyone, you shouldn’t let anyone close. You were only going to fuck everything up in a heartbeat. It’s only natural. Self deprecating thoughts devoured and made their way through your veins, poisoning yourself further; your whole body felt as though it was alight.

Jimin brought you your drinks, placed them carefully in front of the pair of you as you both said your thanks.

The click of Taehyung’s phone being locked and the clearing of his throat brought you back to your senses. “The drink I ordered for you is popular here so, I assumed you’d like to try it. You wanna talk about what’s bothering you?” your eyes shot up to meet his, your head tilted a little to the left as your tongue wet your lip, so puppy like...

You stared incredulously, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Taehyung.” You leant forward slightly as you wrapped your lips around the straw and took a sip.

Taehyung saw the way you sucked your drink up through your straw, his eyes darkened. Thankful to have worn sweatpants that day, he shifted himself discreetly, “I’m not stupid Angel, I know what you’re doing under the table. I’m here, so talk to me. I’ll listen to whatever you gotta say.”

You stuttered as you wracked your brain for something to say, “I-I only met you like forty minutes ago, I don’t even tell my friends what’s wrong. Not that there is, everything’s fine.”

You met me just short of an hour ago, he thought to himself, “You don’t have to lie to me Y/Nie…” he grabbed your hands that were laid near the cup of your Iced Tea. His thumb rubbing circles onto the back of your hand. You looked small and fragile, like the Daffodils on the table; one little pluck and you’d be ruined. He wouldn’t admit it to you just yet but, Taehyung fucking loved how delicate you seemed as you sat across from him.

How easy it would be to take your life away. How easy it’d be to pull those weeds up that are poisoning you, torturing you every single day. He shook his head, as he cleared those thoughts. No, only Y/N can make that decision. I’m just going to help her choose.

Live or Die.

You visibly winced, “You don’t know me. Think whatever the fuck you want about me, it doesn’t matter.” your eyes flashed hurt as you went back to picking your skin. You knew it, this whole encounter was too good to be true. A complete stranger (well acquaintance technically) had just presumed shit about you, the fact he was right is what hurt more. You didn’t want anyone to know how you were feeling. Or how you were dealing with it.

You couldn’t exactly tell him to piss off, you still needed his help home and so you tried to distract yourself from the unsettling gaze that watched your every move. You let out a breath as Taehyung went back to his phone. Your eyes drifted as you picked up the local Newspaper, your eyes skimmed over the headline, ‘Jigsaw Traps Continue’. Taehyung noticed you staring at the front page, and chuckled, “you scared of Jigsaw Angel?”

You shook your head, why would you be scared of some nutjob who’s targeted criminals and drug dealers? You’re a nobody. “Of some psychopathic puppet?” if anyone did anything to you that would threaten your life, it would be you. Taehyung just laughed in return as you skipped the article and skim-read the other pointless stories.

You were fucking clueless as to who he was while he knew every little thing about you. He had watched you for months… His precious little Y/Nie… Oh how silly you were, taking your life for granted.

You hated yourself that much, you were willingly marking yourself up. Tainting your skin… oh your skin, how fucking beautiful and soft it looked, even with all the scars it still looked perfect… Taehyung wanted nothing more than to whisk you away and lock you inside with him. Forever. He didn’t want anyone touching what was his.

He knew you wore a mask when in public, too afraid to show your real self. Little did you know, he wore a mask himself...only he wore it to better other people.

He had a plan.

And you’d soon find out.

Let the games begin.

[danganronpa-and-chill-mods]

hello! i was wondering if i could request nagito, and gundham with reader who gets really stressed when doing work and they cry and get really mad at themselves. they hit their arms when they do something or get a problem wrong and they get concerned and try to comfort you. all around fluff pls and thank uu! also i've never requested anything so idk if im supposed to ask one of the mods specifically T-T any of u would be oki

I like the idea for the request. And I need to say this THANKS FOR BEING THE FIRST REQUEST. However, if you really did something like this irl, i want you to know THAT IT IS OKAY TO BE TIRED. Sorry if this sounds to... forced but I really care about you, the mods, and anyone who sees this blog.

TYSM mod kiibo for the help

TW: Self harming (No knifes or blades, and I tried to don't touch the theme a lot. Like the ask said, it is just s/o hiting their arms. Anyways, in my opinion it counts as self harm)

Nagito Komaeda

➷ A really important test was coming, and Nagito already knew that usually,his s/o stressed a little bit to much... so... Even if he was self proclamed trash, he was going to help you with that.

➷ His first idea was studying with you, but in a place were you both were alone. So, he decided to go to your home. He had some food with him, thinking that maybe it could help you.

➷ So, you both started... The first 10 minutes were fine. You had Nagito by your side and he was paying atention to your behaivour... 20 minutes, he saw you started to cry due to a math problem

➷"I... Understand what you are feeling, and I want you to know that it is okay to ask for help... Maybe... We should skip this one and go to the next one? We can do this later, but first maybe eating something will relax you"

➷ You both taked a 15 minutes break. You asked you if you wanted to cuddle, and he told you

"You really want to do something with trash like me?"

"Ko, you are not trash... You are helping me..."

➷ After that, you started studying again, and Nagito's idea worked well. However he saw you hiting your arms and... He really, really worried

➷"S/O...!!! Y-You shouldn't hurt yourself that way... I know you are stressed but... Let me... Take care about that" He started to bandage your arm

➷After you both finished studying, he gave you a lot of kisses, and compliments. Maybe it would help you after passing so many stress.

➷"My hope... We should listen to lo-fi music when we study together again, maybe it will help you" He said, while you both were cuddling

➷ Nagito was still worried for your health, but at least he had saw you even if it was in one of your worst problems. Maybe, he could take care of you like you worried for him

Gundham Tanaka

➷ It was Tuesday, at night, both of you were working for a presentation. The window was open, the cold wind came in. Now... How did this happened?

➷ The same tuesday, at sunset, Gundham was determined to help you. Something inside him sayed that you were concerned about the project. He was determined to help you with it... and he was asigned with you. He could spend time with his dark (queen/king/ruler)!

➷ Until he saw you worried while writing the essay. Wihout knowing it, you were hitting your harms and crying a little bit. He noticed it, and started "using a spell, for keeping away that demon"

➷ You giggled a little bit, when he heared your laugh he covered his blush with his scarf. But it wasn't that bad for him, actually, he was happy.

"My dark angel shouldn't worry about things like that... Everything will be okay! I, the great Gundham Tanaka will use a spell to ward off the evil being that disturbs your peace"

➷ He was worried for your health, but at least he could make you stop! That is a good point. Maybe he will talk about it with you, but for now, he wanted to see you more relaxed

➷ Some time passed, and after that you started with the esay again. You started to get frustrated, and some tears falled from your eyes. When he first saw one, he snapped his fingers and the devas were already near you

➷ "G-Gundham... Y-You shouldn't worry that lot for me..."

"I am afraid it won't happen anytime soon" he was hugging you while he talked, his devas were getting really comfortable near to yoj

➷ After a while, at night, the work was done. Gundham told about trying to stop hurting yourself. He actually was worried, and a lot. He asked you a few things, trying to not invade your privacy

➷ If you didn't want to answer, it was okay. Maybe you weren't ready to talk about it and he respected it

➷After that,you closed the windows, it wasn't thaat late, so you and Tanaka talked about anything, telling stories. You both were asleep soon, and if you waked up earlier than him, you could see his smile.

[bai-zewarrior]

So I finally nailed down my designs for the black heart characters (except colossus, perry/predator and Madusa I'm still massing with them) along with some head canons! The characters might look a bit weird next to each other, I didn't draw them all on the same canvas. I know I'm suppose to but I was lazy and didn't want to re draw the refs on one canvas. I also appologize for this being so long.

I'm hoping to start a comic with these guys. I always end up saying no to projects like this because I don't think my art is good enough but I think I'm going to put my foot down this time!

Hal:

Can talk(unlike my version of Cyan)

Pretty laid back but knows when he needs to be serious

Will curse you out

Thinks Aura and Nautilus are cute together

His cape works as his "soul meter"(idk what to call it). It has 3 squares on the back that represent Hal's souls. The cape becomes tattered and ripped when souls are taken.

He just wants 5 minutes of peace without someone trying to take his souls, please give him his 5 minutes of peace.

Really hates colossus

In the context of black heart I don't consider him a nano bot. He can bleed and stuff like that.

When he sleeps his body starts to heal any wounds and mend his cloths. This leaves him defenseless as he will remain unconscious until it's finished. He tries not to sleep out in the open and often uses caves and trees as temporary shelters when he needs to sleep. This can also activate when he is knocked unconscious but in cases like with Colossus the healing part is stopped.

He can change colors but he prefers red. His cloths don't change colors with him. Just his skin and his cape.

Again, in he context of black heart, I imagine Hal just kinda woke up somewhere with a bit of knowlage about himself and that's about it. Shortly after works he ran into Aura and Nautilus for the first time. He considered the battle a joke.

Nautilus:

Has glowing markings all over his body. He can cause them to glow at will

Can only breath air for around 10 minutes( this time can decrease with some conditions such as heat or cold. This is because his gills need to be wet for him to breath air, so if it's really hot out his gills will dry out faster)

Has a stutter due to the N.A.T.U thing, among other things. Like trust issues when Xero is around

Is euryhalinr(this just means he can breath any kind of water)

His suit adds about 100lbs to him (material, water, and special boots to help with balance when moving around in the suit)

Likes to make jewlary with shells and stuff

Loves Aura to death. Would litterally die for her.

His teeth work like a shark's. One falls out? You've got plenty more to fill the gap! He has given pretty much all his friends breif heart attacks when he casually spits one out after they hear the loud bone cracking noise of a tooth braking. He keeps all the teeth.

Runs on all fours for some reason. No one knows why, including Aura.

Aura:

Learned all her magic from her parents

Her parents lived like hermits because they believed people still hold witch hunts. Aura hated this because she snuck out a lot and knew that this wasn't the case.

Can be a bit forgetful with spells so she always keeps her book with her at all times

Love Nautilus to death, would die for him too.

Can't swim, her body it denser then water so she just sinks. Nautilus is almost always with her when she's near water for this reason.

Aura's wand is broken but she just keeps fixing it with tape because she doesn't know how to make a new one. She also doesn't want to ask her parents because they wouldn't let her live it down.

Made the headphones Puffer wears so he doesn't have to worry about Siren trying to mind control him, again.

Aura has a secret garden. She uses it to grow her magic plants. It has a defense system that even Jestar can't get past. Only those she has given permission can enter, but those people can give temporary permission to others. Only Nautilus, Puffer and Solario have permission to go into the garden.

Has gotten use to the weird things Natalie can do.

Puffer:

A bit of a hermit, but will open up when he trusts someone

Always has his eyes closed because he thinks his eyes look scary. He can still see for some reason? (Like Brock from pokemon, idk how he could see but he traveled like 3-4 regions like that)

Changes colors depending on emotions. Blue is calm and happy, purple is upset and sad and red is anger and frustration.

Puffer can create lots of spikes all over his body if needed as well as a set of claws. He doesn't do this often.

Likes to cook but keeps it a secret from everyone. (Aura and Nautilus found out though, they just kept the secret)

He really doesn't like Siren after what she did to him, but he will talk to her and hang out with her if someone else he trusts is around.

Really wants to apologize to Hal but he hasn't gotten the chance to yet.

Is really self conscious.

He's not very good at swimming but Nautilus teaches him when Siren isn't around or in Aura's secret garden.

Siren:

Likes to sing for no reason

Has a not so small army of skeleton fish

Is litterally heartless (she doesn't like to talk about it)

Has a crush on Puffer but she doesn't know how to fix the bridge she burned with him

Plays chess with Myst a lot(and wins a lot, much to Myst's dismay)

She can shape shift her tail into a pair of legs. This was a "gift" from Jestar to help her be a better assassin for him

Thinks Xero is a prick

Likes to steal Xero's alcohol sometimes

Can water bend. She can't blood bend though. She's tried.

Likes rock and country music for some reason

Nautilus likes to play with her fish some times.

Knows a bit about necromancy. She doesn't like to talk about it though. She never does it in front of anyone besides her fish army

Myst:

Doesn't like to talk about his life outside work

Is well over 100 years old( he lost count)

Is very protective when it comes to Shade

Doesn't really understand Shade but will support her regardless

Likes to smoke when he thinks no one is around

Can create an umbrella to protect himself if he is caught outside when the sun comes up

Likes to play chess

Is basically a dad to the other assassins

Rarely opens his third eye. This usually only happens when he gets frantic, scared or extreamly angry

Does not have any remorse over killing Parry

He doesn't eat in front of others if it can be helped

Myst told Nautilus about Shade once. He had a bad feeling and asked that if anything happened to him Nautilus would take care of her. Only problem was no one thought about the address of Myst and Shade's mansion. He found her though, don't worry.

When he is exposed to sunlight it will immediately cause him to get sunburned. If he doesn't leave after about 30 seconds- 1 minute he will start to die slowly and painfully. He has taken a lot of tea baths because of the sun

Solario:

A big dork

Very loud and bubbly

Is a prince from a kingdom galaxies away from where black heart takes place in

Was suppose to marry the moon from the moon is getting away level (haven't given her a name yet) but she unknowingly broke Sol's heart so he left. He wanted her to be happy and he clearly couldn't give her that happiness.

Doesn't understand "mortal" things but wants to learn.

Nautilus taught him the word yeet and now he won't stop using it

I headcanon that his voice actor would Gary LeVox(lead singer of Rascal Flatts)(don't ask why, I can't change what has happened in my brain)

Will stop at nothing to see his friends happy

Likes hanging out with Aura, Nautilus and Puffer

Can make himself hotter or colder at will. He tends to stay at a heat that won't hurt others when the go near him, but not cold enough to cause himself harm.

If he gets to cold he can die. He also starts to become extreamly cold or extremely hot before death. The direction his tempature goes in is dependent on what he was doing before hand. (Example: reading a book, gets shot, starts to get colder and colder. Attacking Hal trying to get his soul, shapeshifts so much he almost blows himself up, gets hotter and hotter)

Can be a bit over dramatic sometimes

He is incredibly strong. He can lift both Puffer(who whieghs roughly 230 lbs) and Nautilus when he's in his suit(so about 250 lbs) with no trouble. He forgets about his stranghth some times and has accidentally thrown a few things before quickly trying to fix it.

His shapeshifting isn't limited to just objects, he can shape shift small things about him self like his cloths or his entire body into something like a dinosaur. He doesn't do it often though. Mostly just the cloths thing.

Jestar:

Yells a lot

Thinks everyone is incompetent except Xero, for some reason

Accidentally took Puffer when Siren joined do to a confusion about Sirens powers. He refused to send Puffer home.

Colossus is basically just his pet

Xero is the only one who can get away with yelling at Jestar. No one really knows why but they hold really long arguments about all sorts of stupid stuff

Did I mention he yells a lot? I did? Well I’m saying it again. He yells A LOT.

Can shapeshift in to anything

Does not know how to handle baby Madusa. He doesn't know how to handle people in general, and he thought creating a baby was a good idea.

Xero:

Smokes and drinks a lot

Has a German accent(I can’t un heard it, I’m sorry)

Has a wrapped sense of humor

Calls Natilus “shark boy” after natilus bit him(this is related to what happened before N.A.T.U)

Calls everyone a nicknames besides Jestar.

Makes more robots then he needs and holds robot death battles at night.

Wants to dissect Siran after he found out she’s litterally heartless.

Is drunk 90% of the time but that's when he works best. He doesn't care that he has a problem either

Dressed Madusa up is costumes a lot during the 2 weeks it took him to grow up. He created a scrap book with photos of them too.

Can actually be a really nice dude when he wants to be. He doesn't normally want to be nice

90% of his robots are idiots

He's left handed

Colossus:

Is basically Jestar’s pet

Doesn’t speak a language anyone knows

Is basically a king without a kingdom

Starts out really tiny but gets really big for a short period of time once he has infected someone

Shade:

Has trust issues

Is only like 16 years old

Has normal(ish) ghost powers because she was born a ghost

Drives Myst nuts with her edgy stuff

Likes talking to Perry(she meets him after the Funk Hole level)

Can bounce between having a ghost tail to having normal legs.

Her flower is technically apart of her but she doesn't consider it part of her.

Perry:

Kinda skittish around people who look scary to him(so 90% of the black heart cast)

Has a crush on Shade but won't admit it out loud because he's scared of getting bitten in half by Myst, again.

Around 18 years old

Left home because his mom and brother suck and he wanted to be a ghost hunter like the ones he saw on tv. He got his wish for like 2 hours?

Transforms into Predator during the full moons and special moons. Special moons can have different effects on his transformation and mental state. Like a blood moon causes him to become more blood thirsty but a blue moon causes him to actually retain his normal mental state.

He has a habit of spiraling about everything

Predator:

Can't say anything understandable

Each part of his head has a brain so they agrue sometimes

Around 5X the size of Parry

Acts like a dog sometimes

Would have probably just ate Hal instead of taking the souls.

Madusa:

Can breath underwater and air without issue

Doesn't like the fact that he looks like Nautilus

Hasn't figured out how to swim fast like nautilus yet but won't admit it

Calls Jestar dad

Actually gets along well with Xero

Xero calls him Moccasin

Has markings like Nautilus but they only glow in the dark and they aren't as bright

He's allergic to shell fish

Actually had about a 2 week period where he was a kid. Xero and Jestar just gave him a special serum that caused I'm to grow up faster.

Most of his teeth ended up like Aura's but his canines are significantly sharper then they would be. Xero also found an extra set of teeth under Madusa's adult teeth.

Doesn't like the idea that his whole life rests on a tiny, easy to brake, stone on his head but just rolls with it.

Scared Jestar and Xero a lot during his first few days of life. He not only descovered his allergy to shell fish but almost got himself caught by the others a bunch of times.

All these guys belong to OL666 except Hal, he belongs to vitamin games

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2386

okay so i just got the sweetest asks today?????? they're right below this and i'm cryin, i don't deserve you guys ;-;

okay so like,

today was pretty good. at first.

i went on an adventure to the apple store with joel and i even got to hold his hand as we walked through the mall (bc i was walking so slowly bc knee hurt but i wasn't about to question it) but apparently his allergy to lavender might not just be lavender?? he says perfume is spicy air to him??? so. allergy.

anyway, he got himself a new watch today. he really loves it. i'm glad. otherwise i'd need to kidnap it.

we got lunch from friendly's - he didn't realize there was one still around until i said something. when talking about lunch options, he said "i didn't realize there was a pizza hut around here," and i said, "yeah, it's just across the street from friendly's." his eyes got all big and he just went "WHAT" and i said "friendly's it is!" so we got chicken tendies and mini mozzarella sticks and fribbles for lunch. (idk if anyone doesn't know what a fribble is, but it's a friendly's milkshake, as opposed to a frappe, which is thicker.) (terminology is very important.) (even though a milkshake implies shaking milk, and that's just silly.)

but we went back to his house and watched tv for a while. we started watching eureka together since i wasn't terribly far in and everyone else i started watching with has already gone ahead and watched all of it without me.

the rest of this is like. not so good. so tw for depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm, and self-hatred from here on out, but also like, some good points for therapy.

--

around 7 i realized i needed to be home, so i went home. i was supposed to spend the evening playing diablo ii with andrew, but heading home meant i couldn't do that, and i felt pretty crummy about it, and i realized that my actions caused him to feel like an afterthought. which is the last thing i want him to feel like. he's one of my bestest friends, and realizing that i hurt him like i did kinda broke something in me. and it just... spiraled from there. (... honestly i almost rammed my car into a cliff face. i took my foot off the gas and hands off the wheel before i could do it though. it's been a long time since i last felt unsafe driving. yikes.) and then i realized what was happening was because of rejection-sensitive dysphoria. but just because of that, doesn't mean it wasn't accurate. that being a shitty friend isn't excusable by saying "i'm a disaster" or "i've been busy" or even "i can't keep things straight in my head" when it's really just all my fault. and there's no excuse to treat a friend like i've been treating him. and then i looked at all of my other friendships and relationships, and i saw that same pathetic disconnection in all of them, because apparently i can't make and keep fucking connections ever. because i don't get attached like normal people do. because i don't feel things like normal people do. because i don't see how my actions affect others like normal people do. and i don't get what i don't get. i'm grateful i have a therapist appointment in a little over a week. i should put a list together of things i need help with.

when i got home i was sure to send him a text and tell him how sorry i was because goddamnit if i can't be a good friend then what the fuck can i be, huh??? if i can't be a good fucking person what good things do i deserve???? none, that's fucking what. and as i drove home i started beating myself up over it. literally. when i got home, i did the same thing. it's been a long time since i last hit my head or slapped myself or punched something, never mind my own jaw. and as i was driving as i smashed my fist into the steering wheel repeatedly i said "no fucking wonder you don't have life insurance" because - surprise! - i got denied life insurance back in april or whatever when i got my new car insurance.

jesus fucking christ, even when i got home i just. couldn't handle it. my dad got me flowers for valentine's day - he always gets us stuff for valentine's day. it's always been a thing in my family - we always get things for each other. and i'm pretty sure that's why valentine's day is my favorite holiday. (i thought to myself after the cliff face passed me how awful it would be for people to process i killed myself the day before my favorite holiday, rip) but anyway, when i saw the flowers, i couldn't even continue into the room to watch tv with my parents. i just started crying again. i didn't stop crying until like 9pm. i got to give my parents their chocolates i got for them too, and i honestly didn't get to see their reactions because i took off my glasses before so i'd stop fucking crying on them. and it all just hurt so much. because i don't fucking deserve the kind things people do for me because i'm not a good fucking person. goddamn it. like, i get this is fucking stupid. "oh you're not a bad person" good people don't do what they do and not concern themselves with what others feel, especially when it's their closest friends. good people don't fucking fall apart at the slightest sign of something being wrong. good people don't fucking hurt their loved ones. so fuck if i'm a good person, because i'm fucking not. and i hate that. because if i'm not, i'm nothing. i have nothing going for me. at all. i'm really just a shit human who doesn't deserve good things. fuck.

(goddamn i'm trying, but fuck if i'm succeeding.)

but eventually, i calmed down enough to watch tv. endgame was on by then.

i didn't really eat dinner. i got my mom food from mcnaldos and i feel bad because i transferred money to my account from here to get us both dinner but then i determined i didn't deserve it so i just got her food. i determined i deserved pain so i thought about canceling my orthopedist appointment for tuesday and stopping wearing my knee brace because i deserve the pain. i inflict it on others, so i deserve it myself. found the passing thought of trying to purposefully get corona or how to best tie myself up in tarps to keep my brains from splattering everywhere. driving home... was Bad. hence this. i also half-heartedly started making a list of passwords and accounts i'd need to write down for people to notify others of my death, of how to say goodbye without causing much notice.

jesus fucking christ i have problems.

and now reflecting on it it still makes sense to me. so i apologize to everyone. i'm a disaster and i'm sorry you gotta see me like this.

there's really no need to worry - i won't act on anything. that's just not something i'm brave enough to do. i'm a fucking coward, and that's something you can count on. i cry when people's voices are raised. anyone who thinks i can take the fast train to deadville via the fuckthis express doesn't know how much of a fucking coward i am lmao

fuck this though, fuck living. i'm so bad at it.

[closer-stars]

Strength - Hongjoong

Member: Hongjoong

Genre: Comfort? Fluff? 

Word Count: idk a lot.

Content: I had a lot of things going in my personal life so this happened. To those who have requested a fic from me, please wait patiently. I’ve been doing them I promise ;; it's okay to reblog this. 

Hongjoong finds himself unable to go back to sleep. Even if he tries to lay on his side, or his stomach, he didn’t feel any ounce of sleep again. He didn’t want to disrupt Seonghwa’s sleep so he pushed himself out of bed and figured that a glass of water could help him go back to sleep. 

He spots the door to your room still open. His eyebrows furrow in confusion, and he peeks in. You weren’t in bed sleeping. Were you in the living room? He stumbles down the hallway (maybe pushing himself up all of a sudden was a bad idea), to hopefully see you just in the living room. 

You weren’t. 

He turns to the door, since that was the last logical place he could think of at 2 in the morning. Your house slippers were there but your usual sneakers weren’t. Maybe it was his leader intuition skills, but he decided to check if you were on the roof top again. He quietly grabs his hoodie and puts on his sneakers then making his way to the rooftop hoping you’d be there. 

The ash haired male peeks behind the door. He couldn’t see you from where his view point. He slowly steps out and looks around, eyes scanning for any sign of your familiar figure. His search was fruitful, seeing you lean stand a few feet away from the ledge. Even at times like this, your fear of heights seem to get the better of you. 

“Hey.” He greets you, startling you out of your thoughts. Your hands were deep in the pockets of your hoodie. While his eyes stay at your features, he spots the tell tale sign of coffee that you probably had bought from a convenience store. You hum your greeting to him, your gaze was still steady on what’s in front of you: other rooftops of apartment complexes, facades of other buildings, some rooms still showing signs of life, some dead asleep at this hour. 

It was obvious that you were deep in your thoughts, and he could only assume what caused this. “Can’t sleep?” He asks, leaning against the wall. Knowing you, if he leaned against the railing, he’d get his ear nagged off to not lean on it. He knew better. 

You rub your eyes with your knuckles. You actually can sleep now: your eyelids heavy but your mind was busy. Busy with the words you and your parents had exchanged earlier that day. It hurt you but you didn’t have the heart to tell that to any of them. You were used to fending for yourself. “Kind of yeah..” You say with a dejected laugh as you bring out your coffee and take another sip.

“Hey, how can you sleep when you’re drinking coffee..” Hongjoong’s whines, resulting in you to laugh at how childlike he sounds when he whines. “Ah, really...” He says after hearing you laugh at him. At least you still had some strength in you to be able to laugh. 

“Sorry, just got a lot in my mind, Joong..” You apologize after calming down. The bottle finds itself back in your pocket, slightly pulling your hoodie down lopsidedly. Another sigh slips through your cold lips. Your mind’s a mess of concerns and insecurities. 

He takes his time to study your features: eyebags from the lack of sleep, the dim look of exhaustion in your eyes, the thoroughly bitten lips from constantly overthinking. “Parents?” He asks slowly. He remembered you being in a call with your parents earlier that day. While your earphones cancel any outside noise, the level you have them on can make him hear bits and pieces of the conversation. He only had a vague idea of what it was about but he remembers how steely your face had turned the longer the call went. 

You finally tear your gaze away from the slowly changing sky to him. Seconds pass and they feel like eternity before you nod. “Yeah. The usual conversation that I’ve come to love.” Your tone dry. He knew what that meant and didn’t pry anymore on what words were exchanged. 

Your struggles hit him a lot harder than expected; maybe it was because he too wasn’t one to share of his own struggles to anyone. To see you do the same, he somehow understood why the other members would often remind him to lean on them too. He also understands why you weren’t one to talk as openly as the others when it came down to it. 

For someone who wasn’t a big fan of physical affection as so he claimed, he opens his arms for you. You don’t turn down the invite and let yourself be enveloped by his warmth and his acceptance. 

“You’re still yourself. Even if you didn’t go down the road your parents wanted, you’re still someone we’re proud of. Your parents may have wanted you to become everything they wanted, but you’re becoming everything you wanted and that’s more important.” He says against your hair. 

You stiffen in his hold, not expecting him to say such words. You stay unmoving in his hold, hands hidden in your pockets. It was only now that you feel the cold air biting your legs. 

“You’ve been strong all this years. Their beliefs don’t define you. They won’t hold you back. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to let your walls down. You have us.You don’t have to worry.” He says, faintly singing to your ear. 

They were words you needed to hear, not from your own self but from someone else. You hide your eyes against the curve of his neck and shoulder. You didn’t want him to see you cry, you’ve always been strong in the face of hardships. Yet this difficulty made it hard for you to stand on your own. Hongjoong’s warmth in his actions and words have hit a chord in your heart. His hands thread through your hair, combing through the strands in hopes of calming you down. 

His skin starts to feel wet from your hidden tears. A small part in him finds relief in having you cry it out yet the bigger part of him is concerned with your well-being. He used to wonder: what was worse: quiet tears where your shoulders try so hard to not shake or loud sobs that were brought out deep from your own gut? He got his answer as you cry in his arms. He wonders too if this was how his members feel in circumstances where he nearly breaks. He knows he has an image of a leader to uphold, but being just Kim Hongjoong to his members wasn’t going to harm anyone. 

He doesn’t say anything anymore, as he lets you cry out the struggles you’ve kept to yourself. He doesn’t know how long the both of you were on the rooftop, but the sky was turning from a dark purple to light blue. You’ve calmed down by then, wiping your tears with the sleeves of your hoodie. “Ready to go back?” He asks softly as he lowers himself slightly to look at your downcast face. You quickly try to hide your puffy eyes from him with your hair and the hood but nod at his question, causing him to smile slightly. His arm was around your shoulder this time as he leads the both of you back to your apartment. 

On the way back, your head leans against his shoulder and in response, he lets his head lightly rest atop of your head. He brings you back to your bed, making sure you had a glass of water and painkiller by your bed side for when you wake up.

You’ll be fine, he thought. As long as you had him and the rest of the boys, you’ll be able to grow into someone you can be proud of. 

[bernadineisreborn]

Reality VI

Draco Malfoy x Reader

Author’s note: Omg so I’m working things for this out and I think its gonna be like…. LONG. The different parts are definitely going to be longer. In the beginning (like September? July??? idk) they were around 1000, but I see them being closer to 2000/3000 each now. Again, I hope you all enjoy and please please please let me know what you think. To those that have been reblogging or commenting on things related to this series, I see you and I love you.   –Bernadine

Warnings: swearing, characters not acting like themselves???? (idk I did my best), mention of scars on hands/wrists (though not related to self-harm)

Word count: 2525 :)

Series Masterlist

Marcus Redware woke with a start. He had only been sleeping for a few hours. Sleep had been coming to him in small fits lately, always inconsistent, always less than he needed.

This, he thought, is the effect of prolonged stress on the body.

Marcus was highly logical, so it helped him to think about his problems in logical terms. If he could somehow manage to be less stressed, he would be able to sleep.

He got out of bed, not taking the time to tuck the royal blue covers of his bed under the mattress edges as he normally would. He dressed quietly, not wanting to wake the other four Ravenclaws in the room. Four Ravenclaws that, he realized with a twinge of jealousy, were leading completely normal teenage lives and sleeping soundly.

It was November, and out from under the puffy Hogwarts comforter, Marcus was chilly. He changed quickly into blue and bronze robes, and hurried down the stairs.

It was barely 4 am, so the magical hallways of Hogwarts were deserted. Only people with something to hide were awake and about at this hour.

Pansy Parkinson was waiting at the double doors that led out of the Entrance Hall. She was tapping her foot impatiently, but her eyes were darting around in apparent nerves. Marcus approached her, and she rolled her eyes, “Finally. For Merlin’s sake, Redware.”

Marcus sneered, “Sorry, Parkinson, I had actually managed to get an hour of sleep and wasn’t particularly looking forward to getting up to meet you, knowing you’d be in such a cheerful state.”

Pansy shot him a rather sarcastic expression of sympathy.

The pair walked out into the crisp fall air in silence, a silence that was surprisingly comfortable for two people that seemed to have nothing in common.

“I’m worried about Y/N finding out, Pansy,” mumbled Marcus, he squeezed his eyes shut tight, “She’s my best friend, I can’t hide this from her. I’m jumpy around her, and she’s incredibly observant.”

Pansy pursed her lips, “Well, Marcus, you haven’t got much of a choice, do you? Anyway, I thought she wasn’t speaking to you,” her dark eyes flickered back and forth between Marcus’, and she softened, “Look, I don’t love this either. We haven’t really decided it for ourselves, no, but it’s not as bad as it could be. We could hate each other and not get on at all,” she raised her manicured hand to rest on Marcus’ shoulder, “Let’s make the best of it, yeah?”

Marcus sighed, raised his hand to sit on top of Pansy’s, and flashed her a small smile, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Pansy smiled in return. Their hands rested comfortably on each other’s for a minute, displaying twin sets of thin, faded, crisscrossing scars winding around their knuckles and wrists.

If anyone had seen the interaction, they might have thought they were witnessing Polyjuice Potion in acting, the pair were acting so out of character.

Pansy and Marcus weren’t the only people with something to hide, of course. Draco Malfoy was on the seventh floor, emerging from a disappearing door across from a tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. His platinum hair was tousled in a way that bordered on sloppy and his grey eyes were so heavy that they were half shut. He looked disheveled in a way that he would usually care to fix, if his priorities weren’t focused so strictly elsewhere.

While he had been spending a lot of time out past curfew this year, the amount had increased when he’d gotten himself detention. You and Draco had spent the last three nights in the small closet similarly to the first night: working in silence, you trying to make occasional conversation, hating the tediousness of your assigned task.

Draco could tell you were still curious about the box, he’d caught you eyeing him suspiciously from across the room during more than one Potions class, though you hadn’t asked him about it anymore, for which Draco was grateful. If he didn’t know better, he would have thought your hesitant glances and awkward attempts at conversation meant you fancied him.

As far as Draco was concerned, you already knew far too much about him. He had somehow managed to allow you to catch him crying, a situation that had been embarrassing to Draco for more reasons than one. Though you were mostly a nuisance, he had not liked that an intelligent, rather good-looking girl had seen him in such a state.

Draco entered the elegant Slytherin common room and slunk up the stairs to the dorm he shared with Crabbe, Goyle, Zabini, and Nott, trying desperately not to wake them as he slid under the silk sheets of his four-poster bed.

He didn’t have the time or luxury to change into pajamas.

---

At breakfast that morning, you sat across from Sue and Mandy, updating them on the events of last night’s detention, during which Draco had pointedly ignored your every attempt to speak to him, “Neither of us want to be there. But Merlin, I think he hates me,” you said, the thought crinkling your brow.

You weren’t sure how you felt about Draco. You had seen him crying, out of bed past curfew. He had been rude to you. He had threatened you. A normal person might have been scared off, but you were left rather intrigued.

Sue smiled sympathetically, “I’m sure that’s not the case, Y/N. He probably just loathes being in detention, and your being there, trying to get him to tell you all his secrets, isn’t making it any better.”

You laughed, “Yeah, I hope you’re right. Thanks, Sue.”

“I’ll lend my opinion anytime, Y/N!” Sue said, and you felt a rush of gratitude for the distraction they’d so willingly providing you since things had shifted between you and Marcus.

After breakfast, you make your way to Potions, not bothering to wait for Marcus, who hadn’t shown to classes at all since your argument. Every day you waited in anxiety for him to show, and every day your worry grew when he didn’t.

So, you were more than surprised when he walked into Slughorn’s classroom and sat next to you as if things were completely normal.

There was an awkward silence between you, as you did your best to ignore his presence and he settled in for class. You were more relieved that you would admit to see him attending classes again.

When he spoke, there was a tentative smile on his face, “I figured I couldn’t skip class anymore without everyone getting suspicious.”

You scoffed and rolled your eyes, making a point to scoot your chair away from his. The relief you had felt before was quickly being replaced with annoyance.

He sighed, “Y/N, come on. I didn’t mean to lash out at you. Really, I don’t deserve your friendship, and I am just going through something right now and–”

You cut him off with a sharp glare, “You’re right. You don’t deserve it. I’m glad you’ve found Parkinson, she’s clearly more suited to you than I am.”

Marcus’ expression pinched in hurt, “Are you ever going to forgive me?”

You considered him, “Are you ready to tell me what’s going on with you?”

He looked away, “No. I can’t, Y/N.”

“Well, if you can’t trust me, a friend you’ve known since birth, might I add, over Pansy, Merlin knows what kind of relationship you’ve formed with her, I’m not sure I want to know anyway,” you turned to face the front of the classroom, where Slughorn was standing, trying to get the class’s attention, and held your chin up.

---

When classes were done for the day, you having spent a few of them avoiding Marcus’ attempt at reconciliation, you made your way to the North Tower to speak to Professor Trelawney.

You hadn’t taken Divination this year, your rigorous schedule having no room for it, but you had enjoyed it quite a bit during 5th year. Professors generally liked you, and Trelawney was not an exception.

When you clambered through the trap door, you were immediately met with heavily perfumed air, scented like incense and burning herbs.

Trelawney was inside, sitting on a plush-looking floor pillow, and drinking from a bottle holding a brown liquid.

“Hello, Professor Trelawney,” you called.

She looked up immediately, she didn’t seem to be doing anything important, but you felt a little guilty for interrupting her free time.

Her eyes widened at the sight of you, “Y/N, child, it’s been too long,” she rushed to your side, draping a blanket over you, though you weren’t the least bit cold, and ushered you to sit on another burgundy floor pillow, “You have come to me because you are in dire need of help,” she stated, as if this was something she had predicted.

“Well, yes, I have,” you shifted in your seat, “I’ve been having some rather…strange dreams.”

She nodded, “Go on, dear.”

“It’s just one recurring dream, really. There’s a rabbit, and I think it’s meant to be me because it always has my eyes. There’s also a snake and a hawk, and they dive for the rabbit, as if…well, I’m not sure what. I never get to see what happens. I always wake up before I can.”

Her eyes widened further, and you briefly wondered how long she had been sitting there drinking before you came in, “Oneiromancy is a complicated field of study. The things I taught you last year for the O.W.L.s just barely scratched at the surface, my dear,” she poured two cups of tea with a shaking hand, “It is smart to conclude that the rabbit is you. Dreams often come to us when we are in grave danger, when the universe wants to send us a sign. The snake, as I’m sure you’ve realized, is a symbol commonly associated with Salazar Slytherin,” she peered at you over her thick glasses, “Do you know any Slytherins on a personal level?”

You briefly thought of Malfoy, taking a sip from your tea, “Not really.”

“Hmm…” she eyed you suspiciously, “Well then, it is likely that the snake is meant to symbolize renewal, rebirth, or healing. As far as the hawk goes, the symbols vary. Some agree it is a warning to trust your intuition, others say it symbolizes impeding war,” she began to mumble, “Quite an accurate prediction, that would be.”

The room was silent for a few minutes as Trelawney sat beside you, either deep in thought or completely zoned out.

You cleared your throat, “So, what do you think, then? What does it mean?”

Trelawney jolted, “Oh, yes. I could guess at what the dreams are trying to tell you, but the only ones who can really know our dreams, child, is our own selves. It is impossible for me to know, as I do not have your subconscious.” She stood up suddenly, and disappeared behind the door that led to her office.

A minute or so later, she returned, looking somehow more frazzled than before, and handed you a book that read, The Dream Oracle’s Sequel: More Dreams, More Divination, by Inigo Imago. You took it gratefully from her hand.

“This is one of the books I recommend my N.E.W.T. level students read to prepare for their exam. I think you might benefit from reading it,” With this, she helped you off the floor and began pushing you to the trap door, “Please, my dear, be careful out there, you never know what people intend at times like these.”

Just as you were about to step through the trap door, she halted, “You don’t have any relation to Bethan L/N, do you?”

“Not that I know of, Professor.”

She nodded, accepting this information, “Talent for the Art of Divination, as you know, often runs in families. Bethan was a rather accomplished student I had during my first year of teaching.  Talented girl. A shame, I think, what happened to her,” Trelawney once again stared at you in a blank sort of way, as if she was somehow seeing the wall behind you through your head, “I’ll see you soon, darling. Careful on the stairs!”

You were soon on the stairs back to your common room, feeling immense regret at your decision to visit Trelawney, and rather tired from the dreamy perfumes in the attic-like classroom.

By time you reached the Ravenclaw Common Room, you were in desperate need of a nap. Thankfully, Sue and Mandy were absent along with your other dormmates; the room was peacefully silent.

They’re probably at dinner, you think with a tinge of jealousy as you lay down, most people are dealing with normal things, like homework…

…Rabbit. Snake. Hawk. NO!

There was pressure on your shoulder, and it was shaking gently, “Y/N? Y/N!”

You blinked awake, a bit confused. Sue and Mandy were standing by your bed, wearing concerned expressions.

Mandy pressed against your shoulder again, “Y/N, it’s past dinner. Shouldn’t you be in detention?”

Fuck.

Yes, you should have been in detention. You were about an hour late by time you actually arrived. Slughorn, luckily, was not waiting around to make sure you attended.

Draco, however, had started organizing his half of the closet, presumably a while ago.

He looked up when you rushed in, and you made brief eye contact with him before diverting your eyes and starting to work on your shelf.

You had been standing there in silence for a few minutes, and you realized that you were pushing the glass vials around without any thought to what you were doing.

One of the glass vials was big enough that you could see your reflection, which looked every bit as if you had just woken up from a month-long coma. The reflection blurred as your eyes swelled and stung with building pressure.

The argument with Marcus was obviously affecting you more than you had realized.

“Trouble in paradise?” questioned Draco.

You turned to face him, a little amazed that he was initiating conversation, a little weary of being teased, “What do you mean?”

He noted your forming tears, but his expression remained impressively neutral, “You and Redware.”

“It’s not­– Marcus and I aren’t dating,” you said, crossing your arms.

He rolled his eyes, “Fine. But there’s trouble, is there not?”

You furrowed your eyebrows, “Why do you care?”

“I don’t. You’re organizing your vials poorly, and I can’t afford to spend more time in detention because you’re being sloppy.”

That stung.

“Piss off, Malfoy,” you turned back around, wanting to hide the tears that you were sure would start pouring soon.

After a minute, you heard Draco sigh, “Pansy’s told me that Redware mentioned something about it.”

“Brilliant. Literally everyone knows more about Marcus than I do.”

Slughorn appeared then, apparently unaware of the tension in the small room, “Alright, Miss L/N, Mr. Malfoy, you can return to your common rooms now. Thank you.”

Due to the unintentional length of your nap, you hadn’t been there very long, but you did not hesitate to dismiss yourself and rush from the room.

---

Tag List (let me know if you want to be added): @drawlfoy​ @buckys-hoeee​ @silversslytherin​ @acciodracoo​ @afootnoteinyourhappiness​ @a-hopeless-fan​ @ilkaeliseb​ @accio-rogers​

[evilsoul99]

I hate myself so much. Like I told my gf how much I hate myself and Wong let myself love myself and I’m going to post it here.

I hate myself. Always have. I feel like I don’t deserve to love myself or get love or anything from anyone. I feel like I’m just a burden on everyone and their worse off with me In theor life’s. Like if I never existed they’d be so much happier. I feel like no one sees that I’m a horrible person who’s undeserving of that stuff and idk why they can’t but they just can’t. I feel like they can’t see the real me. Your pretty much the only one I feel ok accepting live from. Idk why you but you’ve just worked your way into my heart and your an exception from some of this. I still feel like you’d be better off without me but I also love you to much to let go of you. But everyone else when they try and show me live it fucking hurts. It’s like this. You mom says as long as you and your bro are good you can have a piece of cake. But you draw on the walls and when asked who it was you blame your brother. So only you get the cake and while your eating it You feel hella guilty. That’s how I feel when shown kindness even when it’s coming from me to myself. I think especially my parents

This was addressed to my gf. She got mad about the text. I get why. She’s frustrated because I don’t love myself and don’t want to.

I recently relapsed with self harm and I don’t want to stop. I can’t talk to my therapist about it though. I’ve been possibly suicidal but I’m getting to where I do want to end it. The 3 things keeping me alive are 1. Not wanting to die fat. 2. Not wanting to look femme in my grave. 3 what it would do to my parents friend and gf. I’m afraid I’ll get to a place where it’s not enough and have to go inpatient again but I can’t with this fucking pandemic. My what I think is an eating disorder is horrible. I’m counting calories and feel physically sick when I go over it. I’ve binged a lot to and binging while trying to lose weight by counting calories is not a good thing. I feel like shit anytime I’m not in my room because there’s so much stimulation, so much food, so many responsibility’s, so many people, so much interaction I’m not prepaired for, so much lying on my part to seem ok. I say dream of cutting myself all the fucking time. I don’t want to do this anymore. For right now I just want to lay in bed with my dogs and just stay on my phone and computer. I wish we had our own little world. The only reason I go downstairs is to take my pills and to make sure my dogs get time out as they never leave my side. I lose my mind when they arnt at my side. I have to tools to hurt my self and I’m always scared my parents will find out. My therapist treats hurting myself like I’m trying to kill myself. She doesn’t treat it like an addiction like what it is. When the others in my group who are there for addiction relaps she is chill and doesn’t shame them or make them feel like shit. With me she acts all dissipointed and makes me promise to never do it again and that if I do she’ll tell my parents (I’m an adult but I still live with them) and send me to the hospital. Sorry for this rant I just don’t know what to do. I just want to silently disappear.

[versdan]

Saved (Carol Danvers x Reader)

Summary: Carol had just come back from space after two years up in space. You want to spend time with her and catch up but shes there on a mission. What will happen when another mission goes south? (idk how to come up with a summary lmao bare with me)

A/N: this was requested through pm and they would like to remain anonymous :) this is a huge boat load filled with prompts and angst filled! But it ends fluffy, I promise! It also is triggering, as it is under the cut so please read at your own discretion! I hope you guys enjoy & sorry for any typos! Requests are open!

pairings: Carol Danvers x Reader

prompts (will be bolded):

3. “Hold me”

5. “I can’t believe we’re arguing about this”

6. “Please don’t leave”

11. “Don’t look away from me!”

14. “I hate you”

18. “Don’t touch me!”

19. “I missed you”

20. “You’re driving me crazy!”

23. “Please forgive me!”

24. “I gave you my heart and you broke it”

30. “The moment I kissed you, I knew I was in love”

Warnings!: Mentions of depression, self-harm and suicide. Please read at your own risk! I’ll place a mark where it begins and ends, since it’s pretty detailed

Word Count: 2.8k

italics are flashbacks

———

You missed her. Everything about her. Carol was the one person who would help you in times of needs like these. Before you were recruited on the Avengers or even met Carol, you life wasn’t the best. You were moving from orphanage to orphanage, with little of your own personal belongings that people at school would make fun of you for wearing the same outfits repeatedly.

Once you were over the age of 18, they wouldn’t let you stay at orphanages anymore so you lived in the street for a couple years, moving again from shelter to shelter, getting robbed of what you did have.

Some days you just felt like it was time to leave. Time to just let go of everything, end it all and just feel nothing for once. But it all changed when you were scouted by an agent who saw you beating up a small group of kids who were trying to take the change you had on you.

After that scouting, your life did slightly change for the better. You finally had a stable place to stay, food on the table and people to talk to. But then after the traumatic past you’ve had, you hand been diagnosed with depression and that only made you feel as if you were back at square one. The little nobody that everyone didn’t like. You were never able to open up to anyone on the team, feeling as if you shouldn’t bother anyone with your problems. Until you met Carol.

The day you met Carol is when things truly started to look up. You felt as if you could confide in her the most. She would never judge anything you told her and would just listen to you go on about whatever was on your mind. Carol soon began to grow fond of you as you were growing fond of her as well. You trusted her more than anyone on the team, even after getting to know them. You felt lost whenever Carol wasn’t around, which was most of the time.

Carol had been gone for two years now, and all you could do was wait for her. You never knew when she was going to come back that only broke your heart more to be farther away from her.

“I’ll only be gone for a couple of months, babe” Carol started, pulling her jacket tighter around her before smiling at you, “and then I’ll be back to kiss your pretty face”

You frowned, as she pecked your lips softly. You pulled her in for a hug, holding her tight, not knowing truly when she’ll be back.

“Please don’t leave, Carol. What am I gonna do without my awesome stargirl?” You asked, still frowning.

Carol chuckled a bit at the nickname. “I have to, babe. They need me out there. Besides, I’ll be back before you know it, okay?” She said, placing her hand softly on your cheek as you leaned into her touch.

Carol placed a kiss on your forehead before heading to the door. She turned to look at you before smiling.

“I love you” she said, before walking out the door, closing it behind her. You walked over to the window, holding onto your necklace that Carol had given you when you guys started dating. You watched her blast off into the night sky sighing.

“I love you too” you whispered, feeling tears well up slightly in your eyes.

You sighed at the memory, waiting everyday to hear from the team that Carol was back. You clutched onto the necklace again, placing a small kiss onto the pendant before placing it around your neck.

You heard F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice go off in your room.

“Ms. (Y/L/N), Steve has requested you in the debriefing room. He says it is urgent” the system spoke as you stood up, walking at a fast pace to room after saying thank you to the system.

Once you reached the debriefing room, they were going over two bases that we had to cover. You looked around the room and spotted someone who you never thought you’d see in a million years. Carol was standing there, fists by her side, staring straight at the screen and nodding when Steve would say who’s responsible for what. A smile grew in your face, but you wanted to contain your excitement until after the debriefing.

She never turned to look at you nor let you know that she was coming in, which you thought was a bit odd. Every other time she was coming, she would come and see you first or let the others know to tell you. You felt a small ache in your heart but let it slide for now.

After the debriefing, Steve said that you all would be leaving in 10, you walked up to Carol with a beaming smile on your face, pulling her in for a hug. “I missed you” you told her. She returned it slightly, as you felt an awkward tensions between you two.

You pulled back and looked at her odd. “Is something the matter?” You chuckled, trying to study her facial expression.

Carol sighed, looking down that floor before looking back up at you. “(Y/N), I know you missed me and I missed you loads too but” she paused, taking a breath. “I’m here for this mission, I have to get this information and I can’t afford to be distracted right now, I’m really sorry” Carol said, taking your hand in here before she began to walk off.

You scoffed slightly, feeling the full pang in your chest. You turned to watch her walk off before following behind her.

“Distraction huh? Well I never found you a distraction when I was trying to focus on my mission” you shit back at her. The comment made her halt and turn back to you as she squinted her eyes.

“I’m sorry?” She said, looking at you, crossing her arms over her chest.

“You heard me loud and clear, Danvers. I have a right to want to be able to spend time with you after you being gone for more than expected” you said, standing your ground. A pit in your stomach started to form in your stomach, almost urging you to shut up but you kept going.

“I can’t believe we’re arguing about this” Carol scoffed, looking away before turning back to you. “You’re right, it’s wrong for me to act this way but the world is almost gone! I told you what this relationship would be like and you accepted it for what it is!” Carol spit back, raising her voice a bit. The rest of the team had gathered around slightly watching the interaction between the both of you.

“I went through hell Carol. Two years too fucking long! Do you know the shit I had to go through without you here?” You told Carol, feeling the pit in your stomach grow larger.

“Yeah well what about me! Huh?! What do you think I went through? You think I enjoyed being away??” She yelled at you which only made you grow even more furious.

“I needed you! I really did! I needed you when I couldn’t tell anyone else what was happening but when I called or paged, you never came! You never answered!” You yelled back, feeling tears welt up in your eyes. Carol looked away and towards the other people on the team, who’s eyes were wide looking at both of you.

“Don’t look away from me!” You said strongly, which only made Carol snap her eyes back at you, angrily.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be so goddamn dependent on me for once in your life!” Carol yelled back, which made you snap out of your anger haze and look at her.

You stood there in silence as you tried to wrap your head around what just happened. You didn’t know what to feel. Everything came crashing down at you all at once. Anger, sadness, guilt. It all rushed into your system and you felt numb.

You looked at Carol, a tear slipping down your eye. “I hate you” you said, before turning around and walking fast towards the stairs to go to your room. Carol ran up behind you, grabbing your wrist to which you pulled your arm back quick away from her reach.

“Don’t touch me, Carol! I gave you my heart and you broke it!” You yelled at her as you stomped up the stairs and into the hallway to your room, slamming the door loud enough for everyone to hear. Carol turned slowly to the team who looked at her wide eyed.

“What the fuck just happened?” Tony asked, looking between Carol and everyone while Carol let out a sigh, walking outside.

-

All you felt was guilt. You were curled up on your bed, crying your eyes out after what just happened. You knew you were the reason all this went down. Had you just listened to your gut, you wouldn’t feel so bad about what words were exchanged.

Carol was right. You depend on her so much. And that’s the problem. All you wanted her to do was to spend time with you and you didn’t realize you were taking away from her job you knew she cared for. It’s all your fault, everything you do. You pushed Carol to her breaking point, and truth fucking hurts like hell.

You sat up in your bed, peering at your bedside table, wanting to not think about the urge. Your wrists itches for the feeling and the craving only intensified when you reached in and grabbed the razor from the drawer.

You walk over to your small bathroom and sit on the floor. Crying harder, you felt as if you shouldn’t be doing this but the other part of you knew you should.

Moving your long sleeves up your arm, you see all the faded scars that were on your wrist that made its way down. You only cried harder as you remember when Carol found out about your bad habit, as you would say.

-

Carol picked up you arm and placed a kiss on top of the faded and new scars that covers your arm.

You hissed when she touched the tender skin of the freshly opened ones that she had caught you doing, a tear slipping down your face.

“No matter what you think about these” Carol said, placing another kiss on a scar before looking up at you. “I’m always going to think you are beautiful” she spoke softly, moving a strand away from your face and wiping a tear.

“I’m sorry Carol” you sobbed and she frowned, pulling you into her for an embrace.

“It’s alright baby. I’m gonna help you get through this. One step at a time” she rubbed your back as you cried into her shoulder.

-

*self harm part starts now*

You looked down at your arm, holding the razor over it with your other hand. Tears streamed down your face as you placed the blade against your skin, dragging it deep that you hissed when you felt the cool air hit the open wound.

Blood poured out of the wound as you pulled back the razor, muttering curse words under your breath as you realize you had cut too deep. Too much blood was coming out then you had expected and you began to panic.

“Oh no, no, no, no” you muttered, crying harder trying to apply pressure but feeling weak when you began to.

*self harm part ends*

To your unknowing, F.R.I.D.A.Y had notified Carol who was in the living room that something was wrong and a bad feeling sinked into her gut. She ran up the stairs and to your room, catching Tony and Steve’s attention from seeing Carol rush so quickly, going after her.

Carol pushed the door open to your room, turning to see you sitting on the bathroom floor, with blood coming down your arm and her eyes went wide.

“No, no, no. (Y/N). Stay with me” she said, rushing over to you, placing you in her arms and applying pressure to your arm. You winced at the pressure, waking you up a bit from the weak state you were in.

You looked up at Carol and frowned. “I’m sorry Carol. I’m so sorry” you breathed out, feeling the tears fall down your face as you started to feel your eyelids grow heavy.

“No, you’re not leaving me (Y/N). Not here not now. Come on, stay with me” Carol said, tears falling down her face as she tapped your cheek to help keep you awake.

“Oh shit” Tony said, looking at the scene infront of him as Carol turned around to look at him.

“GET A MEDIC OR SOMETHING PLEASE” she yelled at Tony, who immediately snapped out of his trance and ran to gather first aid materials.

She turned back to you as you were slipping into unconsciousness. “Fuck” she said, making the last minute decision to pick you up, making you whimper at the sudden movement, giving her heart a little hope that you were still with her.

“Hang on, (Y/N). I’m going to save you” Carol told you, before blasting off out into the world, towards a nearby hospital and that was the last thing you remember before knocking out unconscious.

-

When you came to, you noticed you were in the hospital. You tried to raise your arm but then felt the amount of soreness it was in. You looked down at your wrist, seeing the white bandage around it. You touched the wrapping with your other fingers and frowned.

Looking around the room, you saw Carol sleeping in the chair next to your bed. She looked so peaceful and you missed seeing her so calm and not worried about anything.

“Carol?” You croaked out, your throat feeling a bit dry. Carols eyes opened slightly, looking at you but then became alert when she saw you awake.

“Oh my god, (Y/N)” she said, standing up and engulfing your laying figure into a hug, placing a kiss onto your cheek when she pulled back.

“I’m sorry” you told her, picking up your other hand without the bandage, to place on her cheek. She nodded her head side to side, closing her eyes and placing a kiss on her forehead.

“Im sorry too. For everything” she said, pulling back and looking at you.

“Forgive me, please. I feel so guilty I pushed you to this point and I just couldn’t deal with it and-“ you started but she shushed you to which you stopped talking.

“It’s okay. You’re alright. We’re gonna be alright babe. Don’t do this again please. I don’t want to lose you” she said, tears welling up in her eyes before she pressed her lips against yours.

You felt at peace with everything after feeling her lips on yours. It was almost as if you both were at bliss after being apart for so long.

Carol pulled away, smiling before sitting back down and grabbing your hand.

“So, whats been going on?” She smiled brightly at you as you smiled back, beginning to talk about what you both had missed.

-

“Okay so guess what pet I’m considering getting?” You told Carol who was still laughing at a joke you had said.

“Mmm, a rat” she chuckled at you rolled your eyes.

“No, bigger” you smirked at her as she started to think.

“An ostrich?” She said, raising her eyebrow as you laughed at her guess

“Okay, WAY smaller” you giggled. She laughed, giving up on her guesses

“Okay, I give up, just tell me” she told you as you shook your head.

“Nope! You’ve gotta guess!” You told her, smiling. She looked at you in disbelief.

“You’re driving me crazy! What a tease!” She laughed as you laughed with her.

“Okay, okay! I might get a cat” you told her smiling as you looked at you, surprised.

“I thought you didn’t like goose”

“I want a regular cat, not a mutant cat” you joked with her as she chuckled before going silent and stared at you.

You laughed at the thought before looking at Carol. You froze up, a bit nervous as to why she was looking at you.

“What’s wrong?” You asked her, worried that something bad was going to be said.

“Nothing. I just” she stopped, looking down before looking back up at you, smiling. “I love you”

You smiled softly, sitting up at bit a looking at her. “And I love you Carol, more than anything”

Carol leaned over the bed, pecking your lips before pulling back, and smiling.

“The moment I first kissed you, I knew I was in love” she said, before engulfing you in a hug to which you returned.

You pulled back from the embrace, placing your forehead against hers and smiling, closing your eyes.

“I love you, stargirl” you told her as she chuckled at the name. You knew you would have to talk to the rest of the team of the incident and what was the plan going forward but for now, all that mattered was that you were both together again. And stronger then ever.

———

feedback is appreciated!

Shiet, this is a LONG one

[vincess-princess]

ex malo bonum

Chapter 3.

Word count: 3761 Warnings: self-harm tendencies, forced alcohol consumption (idk really how else to tag this), non-con attempt, blood, needles mention

Vince stared at the cracked ceiling.

The ceiling stared back, its cracks and spots like wrinkles and blemishes on an old face. Some more staring, and Vince would probably start seeing eyes.

His home – former home – was supposed to be somewhere above the ceiling. Somewhere up in the sky. No one knew for sure where it was, and now that Vince thought about it, he never knew where exactly it was located as well. It was just there, in him and far from him at the same time, but always at the arm’s length, always there when Vince needed it.

No. No, it wasn’t. For him, it had been there. It remained there still, yet out of Vince’s reach. Its calming, encouraging presence, constantly in the back of his mind before, was no longer there. It got lost among all those new thoughts and feelings, all products of his vessel’s weird, flawed human nature, but now also strangely personal to him too. In search of that presence, Vince delved deep into his mind, where he had never been before, and didn’t find anything.

Or rather, he did. Something he had never seen before; something so foreign and at the same time so his.

Vince yanked himself back to the reality, farther from those somethings. But having once seen them, he couldn’t pretend they weren’t there anymore.

So he decided to stare at the ceiling and focus on the pain in his shoulder. Pain was easy to understand; safe, in a way. Pain was punishing, and punishment was freeing. It was something Jesus had gone through. Maybe Vince was the next Jesus, and his cross was this blood-soaked bed, and his nails were humiliation and manhandling by those demons.

An angel would never have such a thought, something whispered to him faintly, bringing him back to reality. An angel, a true angel, would strive to become like Him, but never compare themselves to Him, because He is unreachable.

Vince shivered as though a trickle of cold, pure fear ran down his spine. He pressed his face into the pillow, trying to chafe half-healed scratches on his face, to wring more pain out of them, to have something else to focus on.

It only made matters worse. His pain mixed with his desperation, fear and unanswered questions, turning into delirium so dark, so deep Vince drowned in it, the reality, like sunlight in the water, was blacked out. He didn’t hear the door creaking, letting in a night visitor, he didn’t see his slim frame looming over the bed, and only when a hand grasped his shoulder and shook him roughly, his mind reluctantly rose to the surface.

Vince’s heart was racing, his forehead was covered in cold sweat, but relief washed over him once he saw that cracked ceiling again. Even if that was Nikki, even if he had come to do what he promised to do to him, it was still better than down there, in the dark. Vince squinted, trying to discern the visitor's face in the faint light from the street. He wouldn’t be able to tell apart Nikki and Tommy, who resembled each other like brothers, if not for the hair: Tommy’s bushy and curly, Nikki’s straight and thick.

The shadow was gangly, and the hair framing his face was messy and wavy. Tommy.

"Asleep, blondie?" Tommy confirmed Vince’s guess a second later and knelt beside the bed. He had something in his hand, but Vince didn't catch a glimpse of it.

"You know we don't sleep," Vince replied indifferently, doing his best to keep the quiver away from his voice, and after a quick glance at Tommy, moved his gaze back to the ceiling.

"Well, I dunno. You could have passed out."

Vince didn't answer. He shouldn't have done it the first time as well, but the question was so normal, so casual that for a second he forgot who was asking.

"Huh, too proud to talk to us, right?" Tommy said light-heartedly. "That's not for long." He reached up to Vince's handcuffed wrists and freed one of them, leaving his other wrist chained to the headboard.

"What are you doing?" he couldn’t help asking. Be that Nikki, he would have kept silent throughout the whole process, be that whatever had come to his perverted mind. But this wasn't Nikki.

“Fixing Nikki’s bullshit," Tommy replied shortly and reached to unbutton Vince's shirt.

That was when Vince, already baffled, couldn’t remain still. He pushed Tommy away with his free arm and rolled to the other side of the bed. He didn’t know how he had expected Tommy to react. Get angry, maybe. Drag him back. Hit him. Enchain his hand back to the headboard. There were so many options.

Tommy didn’t pick any of them. Instead, he burst into laughter. He did drag him back by his hurt arm then, making Vince hiss in pain. And kept laughing. The entire time.

"You should have seen your face. You looked so frightened,” the demon explained once his laughter subdued. Vince was pretty sure he still had fear written across his face, made worse by Tommy’s following words.

“Lie still and it won't hurt as much," he promised, unbuttoning the last button on his shirt and pulling it down Vince’s torso. Seeing Vince’s eyes widen, he chuckled. "What, are you really that afraid of losing your virginity? It's not even a real thing. Just a social construct."

With increasing desperation Vince watched as Tommy climbed onto the bed and straddled his torso, pinning his injured arm to the mattress. For a couple of seconds he enjoyed the mix of fear and disgust on Vince’s face before finally announcing: "Relax. I ain't gonna fuck you. Right now, at least. Maybe later, after I'm finished with that," he poked Vince's shoulder right above the cut.

Vince blinked in confusion, completely taken aback. He had already been mentally preparing for humiliation and pain, the only things he expected from those demons. Had expected.

“Why would you do that?”

Tommy ignored his question. “Jeez,” he grinned at the sight of Vince wincing from hearing this word so distorted, “you’ve got a lot of blood in here.” He bent forward to take a closer look at the cut. His long fluffy hair tickled Vince’s nose and got covered in blood that was all over his shoulder. “Do you even have any left?”

“Does it matter?” Vince murmured, getting increasingly uncomfortable under Tommy’s fixed, serious stare that absolutely didn’t match his nonchalant tone.

“It fucking does!” Tommy flared up, making Vince flinch. He didn’t expect him to sound so serious; he didn’t expect him to even be capable of acting that way. “You think, immortality and shit, yeah? Threw myself off a building, woke up unharmed, now I can do whatever the fuck I want? Well, buddy, it ain’t gonna work like that anymore. Bodies are fragile. They break. And you won’t get a new one any time soon, if ever. You gotta be careful with yours from now on.”

“But can’t demons possess human bodies?”

“Yeah, they can. Those like Mick. I ain’t Mick, you ain’t Mick, and it’s gonna take us half a millennium at best to even try to compare ourselves to Mick. Didn’t you feel it? He’s… he’s…” Tommy trailed off. “Well, you get it.”

Vince nodded automatically, remembering the shudder that ran down his spine when he first looked in those clear blue eyes. He did get it.

“Well, back to business,” after a second of silence Tommy dropped onto the bed the things he was holding in his hand. They turned out to be a needle, a reel of black thread and a bottle of something with a very distinct smell. “I am no doctor, so it’s probably gonna be painful and sloppy. No, it’s definitely gonna be painful and sloppy. Sorry to spoil such a great vessel. Or not sorry.” He pinched Vince’s cheek, opened the bottle and took a gulp out of it.

“Here, have some.” Despite Vince’s frantic headshaking, Tommy pushed the bottle between his lips, and Vince, afraid of getting his teeth knocked out, gave in. Tommy upended the bottle, and acold, burning liquid went down Vince’s throat, choking him and sending him into a fit of coughing. Tommy watched him with such a smug grin, he was lucky to be sitting on Vince’s free hand.

“Whiskey,” he patted the bottle lovingly. “Another great invention of humankind, after sex and rock n’ roll. Or, rather, the reason for them.”

“Tastes like shit.” Vince spat out the remains of the drink, aiming at Tommy, but missing, and most of it ended up on his own chin. Tommy snickered and wiped it with his hand.

“That’s because it’s your first time drinkin’. You’ll get used to it.” Tommy spent good five minutes threading a needle and biting his lips in frustration when the thread didn’t want to go through the eye of the needle. Having finally done it through a great effort, he dipped the needle together with the thread into the remains of whiskey. “Also a good antiseptic.”

“Good what?”

Tommy looked at him in confusion for a second before smiling wide, realization on his face. “Damn, I forgot you’re fresh out of Heaven. Alcohol’s good not only for drinking but also for killing bacteria in your wounds so that the inflammation won’t spread to other parts of your body. If not treated, it can actually kill you.” Seeing Vince’s eyes widen, he burst into laughter. “Trashy, right? The cost for occupying a human vessel. They are a pain in the ass, so fragile and prone to illnesses. Even those occupied by us.” Tommy talked so quickly Vince couldn’t even get a word in edgeways. Great, just great, he thought grimly, now he would have to look after this sack of flesh as well. As though he didn’t have other problems in need of an urgent solution.

Tommy raised the needle up to his level, observed it critically and decided it was ready to use.

“Alright, now lie still. It’s gonna hurt anyway but even more, if you twitch.”

“Very reassuring,” Vince muttered, closing his eyes and resting his head against the pillow. At the mere thought of receiving more pain his body tensed up, and Vince knew that this way it was going to hurt even more. Still, he couldn’t relax.

Instead, he heard a chuckle. “Didn’t know anyone from up there could have a sense of humor.”

Then finally came the pain. Vince winced and breathed shallowly, trying not to make a sound, not to show how he was hurting,

Tommy was definitely no good at sewing. The skin on Vince’s shoulder was already bloody and swollen, and the whole process felt like sticking needles right into the wound. Vince hissed and screwed up his eyes so hard he could see colorful circles, breathing shallowly and biting his lips until they bled. It helped, though. He managed to hold back tears, for now, he concentrated on the lump in his throat so strongly the pain from the needle shifted to the back of his mind, still there, but definitely not as acute as before. Don’t cry, don’t cry, a voice in his hand kept repeating, with dull, unhuman intonations. Don’t lose your composure, it kept saying, and it sounded reasonable.

Vince pressed his lips together tightly, not letting out a single sob, a single tear. He wasn’t going to show Tommy how bad it was hurting, because hurting meant weakness, and weakness meant humiliation.

But God, was it hard.

The cut was narrow but deep, going through almost his entire shoulder. His blood on the needle was making it harder for Tommy to hold it, and it constantly slipped out of his fingers, sometimes while it was still in Vince’s skin. Vince never said a word, just bit down onto his lower lip, again and again, his saliva metallic-flavored.

“So quiet,” Tommy murmured upon pulling out the needle from Vince’s flesh once again. His hand slipped, and the needle sank even deeper in the wound. Vince held down a groan. “Don’t tell me it doesn’t hurt, I know it does. Stop that pretense, for fuck’s sake.”

“What do you want me to do, cry? Throw a fit?” With effort, he almost – almost – managed to sound calm, but the slight quivering of his voice had managed to leak through his already battered facade.

“No, but there’s absolutely no point in holding your emotions in some situations. For example, when you get a wound sewed up with no painkillers whatsoever,” Tommy huffed. “Listen, I couldn’t care less, play a tough one if you want. Just remember that’s not gonna work with Nikki.”

“What do you mean?” Something inside Vince’s chest froze in fear. He knew already what Tommy meant, but there was still a little bit of maybe I am wrong-

“I meant exactly what I said,” Tommy cut off, in a matter of seconds shifting from carelessness to seriousness and completely demolishing Vince’s last bit of hope. He poked Vince’s chest with so much force his finger left a red trace on the skin. “You know he will come here because he always keeps his promises, and when he does come, your stubbornness will only make it worse for you. He wants to get a certain reaction out of you, and if he doesn’t, he will do literally anything, and I mean anything, to get it. You will get out of it with less damage if you just play along.”

During Tommy’s short but convincing speech the silence of the room felt choking. A cold lump in Vince’s stomach grew twice as huge. If even a demon, an evil and wicked creature, tried to warn him about another demon - it was especially serious.

But Vince’s anger, flaring up in his chest, bright, fast and burning, drowned out this very reasonable thought. Somewhere in the back of his mind Vince was surprised at how easy it had risen, powerful and all-consuming.

“If he thinks he can make me do whatever he wants, he is fucking wrong,” Vince hissed. “Did he send you to prepare the ground? To scare me into obedience? Well, tell him he’s gotta put in a real effort to get what he wants!”

His last word was muffled by Tommy’s hand on his mouth.

“Be quiet, idiot!” he whispered, glancing cautiously onto the door. Vince tried to bite him in protest, but Tommy didn’t even let him open his mouth. “You’re gonna wake everyone up!”

Vince tried to shake his hand off, but it stayed firmly on his mouth, pressing his head deep into the pillow. He struggled some more, but his every movement was sending a jab of pain through his shoulder where the needle was still staying. The stitch loosened, and Vince could feel hot drops of blood oozing from the cut.

So after a few more weak jerks, he surrendered, breathing heavily, vision blurred with tears that he tried so hard to hold back and failed.

“Fucking dumbass,” Tommy sighed, examining the stitch. “Ruined all the hard work. I can finish it, but it won’t be half as effective.”

Just do the thing and piss off, Vince wanted to say. He felt so exhausted as though he had run a mile.

“Finish,” he managed to get out. Tommy pulled at the thread, tightening the stitch and eliciting a curse out of Vince, and resumed his work.

Now that Nikki’s name came up in the conversation, Vince’s mind shifted onto him. He was stabbed too, and even deeper than Vince, but he couldn’t remember it doing him any actual harm. When they had arrived to this apartment, his bleeding had already stopped. Vince’s bleeding, on the other hand, had been going on for the rest of the day and half a night. What the?..

“Nikki is a powerful demon,” Tommy had to explain hesitantly when Vince demanded the answer. “Not as powerful as Mick, of course, but definitely not of the weaker kind. He’s been around for a good century longer than me. Still ain’t got no brains, though,” he added with unexpected fondness.

“And you?” Vince asked quickly and regretted it at the very same moment. Tommy’s face, so lively and dynamic before, as though turned into a mask.

“What me?” he said, incomprehension in his voice too perfect to be genuine.

“How long have you been around?”

“How curious you are,” Tommy’s lips were still curved into a smile, but his eyes shifted from cheerful hazel to burnt wood. “Curiosity killed the cat, y’know.”

“What?” Vince blinked in confusion. What did this have to do with a cat? “Really? How?”

Tommy looked at him blankly for a second and then burst into laughter. This time it was sincere.

“Christ, I always forget you don’t know shit about Earth,” he said once he’d calmed down. “You’re gonna be so much fun. That’s just a local saying. Means that you have to pay a price for information. Especially that personal.” He leaned forward, so close to Vince their noses almost touched, looming over him. Vince later would swear he could smell burning wood for a second. “Are you ready to pay the price, blondie?”

“No,” Vince said maybe too quickly, already cursing his curiosity. “Forget it.” Tommy’s pupils were so dilated they took up almost his entire irises. His gaze was making Vince uneasy, and his heart was beating so fast he was sure Tommy could hear it too. When Vince tried to turn his head to avoid looking at those eyes anymore, Tommy grabbed his chin with his fingers, forcing him to stay still. Just like Nikki, Vince realized, a cold shiver running down his spine. Friendlier on the outside, but inside just as dark.

“I’m already done with this,” Tommy said, observing the stitch critically, and bit the rest of the thread off. “And I think I deserve an award.”

That was the last straw.

“That’s what you came for in the first place, right? Could have just gone for it right then and not play a good one,” Vince spit out. He had enough of being scared; now all his fear turned into anger, bitter, resentful anger. Just when he started to lose caution, to relax a little, to dampen his defense and believe not all demons were alike… Fucking asshole. Assholes, all of them. Shouldn’t have answered him the first time.

���Well, mostly,” Tommy grinned, putting away the needle and the reel and reaching for the bottle. “Wanna?”

“Fuck off.”

“All right, more for me,” Tommy downed the rest in one huge gulp. “Imagine how Nikki’s gonna be pissed when he learns he’s not the first,” he chuckled, baring his teeth in a wide smile, a smile that wilted slightly when he met Vince’s gaze. A little more of that, Vince thought with grim satisfaction, and he would learn to burn holes in human skin with his eyes.

Tommy leaned to the side of the bed to put the bottle under the bed and had to let go of Vince’s hand. When he sat up, Vince’s fist collided with his cheekbone. Tommy gasped and flinched back, and Vince couldn’t hold back a sneer.

The injured hand wasn’t capable of anything serious, though. It took Tommy mere few seconds to get over the punch and straighten up. A violent wave of pain swept through Vince’s entire arm, making him hiss in pain and drop his hand weakly onto the bed. He was defenseless - again.

Vince closed his eyes, expecting a response. A punch or, at the very least, a slap on the face. That was what Nikki would do. That was what Vince himself, if they swapped bodies, would do.

Tommy started laughing.

“Oh wow, you aggressive little shit! Did you just go round punching other angels in Heaven like that? Was that why they kicked you out?”

“Curiosity killed the cat,” Vince reminded coldly, which launched Tommy into another fit of laughter so strong he almost fell off the bed.

“No, you’re totally a lot of fun,” Tommy claimed once he calmed down enough to be able to speak. “Or maybe you’re trying to get me distracted till everyone wakes up? Huh, blondie, this ain’t gonna work. I mean, yeah, talking to you all night would be pretty cool, but, y’know, a man’s got his needs, and Nikki’s been pretty moody lately.”

Vince was hardly surprised. To believe that the demons who were constantly talking about it hadn’t done it with each other before was to be an utter and complete idiot.

What was the name for it besides hooking-up, by the way?

Resigned, Vince watched as Tommy settled between his thighs, unzipped his pants and pulled them down to his knees. Although the thin fabric hardly provided any protection, its absence brought a feeling of vulnerability so strong Vince couldn’t handle looking at Tommy and stared at the door instead.

“C’mon, that’s only scary until you get down to it,” Tommy said almost sheepishly. “Humans wouldn’t obsess over sex so much if it wasn’t enjoyable.”

I’m no human, Vince wanted to say, but the words stuck in his throat.

Tommy’s hands roamed around his hips and legs, then disappeared. Vince heard the zipper getting undone.

And then – footsteps behind the door.

Tommy jumped up, his eyes darting at the door, and Vince caught a glimpse of pure terror on his face before he disappeared in a puff of smoke. The very next moment the door opened, and Mick stepped inside.

“Aha,” he said only, quickly looking over Vince, his sloppily stitched shoulder, pants crumpled at the knees, the empty whiskey bottle sticking out from under the bed. Vince’s cheeks grew strangely hot, and he hopelessly reached out to pull up his pants – hopelessly, because they were out of his reach, but remaining like this, so open and defenseless under Mick’s piercing gaze, was somehow way worse.

When Mick stepped towards the bed, Vince’s hand dropped, and the urge to close his eyes, to escape this whole situation in the only way available was so strong he later wondered what had kept them open after all. Stubbornness, maybe. Or spite. Or both.

Mick stretched out his hand and hitched up Vince’s pants until he could freely reach them. Then he turned around and left the room. Physically, because contempt – or, far worse, pity, - in his icy gaze haunted Vince for the rest of the night.

[beclynn-herondale]

🤷‍♀️

Hi anon thanks for the ask, hope all is well and love you. And remember you're worth it. 😘

🤷🏻‍♀️ unpopular opinion I have.

Okay so here I go, I'm not really sure which way to go about this but Jace Herondale is a precious plant boi and is misunderstood, I don't know I think a lot people missed how complex of a character jace is and are quick to dislike him. For me as someone who relates to jace and read so deep into the lines and his confident, arrogant, self absorbed, etc is an act and defense mechanism.

I've always seen it as him afraid to get walked over and afraid to get used and hurt. He's scarred and let's face it can we really blame him after being raised by valentine, after being abused by him. I mean I remember reading some pretty messed up stuff that valentine did to him.

Idk I feel like people don't always take in the full picture jace didn't come to a loving household until he was ten and even after that he came to the lightwoods, he still felt he had to be perfect or they would send him away and not want him. He thought if he wasn't perfect no one would want him.

And was probably afraid of getting hurt again or being abused, so he only gave little parts of himself because then they couldn't hurt him that much if they didn't know him. And I know he did some bad stuff and very hurtful things but there's more to it then that okay he pushed people away the ones he needed to hurt himself and because he didn't think he deserved anyone or to be loved, so in reality he was self harming just not in some of the ways we're used to seeing or hearing.

And going from and unloving, abusive, manipulative household so he didn't know how real love actually worked at first, not to mention he spent the first ten years of his life isolated in a mansion with valentine and didn't meet anyone else until he went to the lightwoods. Imagine being isolated the first ten years of your life and then being put into a world where you're surrounded by new people, I don't know about you but I would find something to protect myself as well and jace's was being an ass so no one cared.

And imagine being shamed for the fact that you have problems and so you never say anything because they'll say your not fit for action or being a shadowhunter and then what are you supposed to do at that young of an age, and being afraid of not being able to do what you were born to do and so you bury it inside and sometimes it tries to come out but you don't let it.

And you don't talk about it cause you don't want people to know your weakness or be vulnerable, and so you bury it away and try to act like you're an ass and don't feel. And then you meet someone who changes the way you look at things and you fall in love for the first time and you get called horrible because you want to know more about this person who you have been drawn to the moment you saw them. And after that you find out their your sibling and you have to figure out how to stop loving them but you can't because the love is already so deep.

So you just decide that dying is better so that you're out of the way and thinking that you're a demon and you deserve to die. And you also hurt others and push them away to protect them so they're safe.

And then you find out you're not related so you think oh we're good now we can be together, and then you get possessed by the demon lilith and she tortures you by making you watch the love of your life die inside your head over and over probably more times then you can count, and again you hold it all in cause you don't want anyone to know and think you're unfit for your job. And plus you don't want to ruin the relationship you have with your girlfriend, and then breaking from lilith only to be tied to her evil psychopath son who also turns out to be your girlfriends brother. And losing yourself and being someone you're not, killing people you didn't want to kill and doing things you didn't want to do but that evil in you did and fighting it all day everyday.

And then again you think death is the only way but the person who loves you more then anyone won't do it cause it would kill her to do that cause she loves you to much, so your still stuck where you were in the beginning and fighting but never winning. And then she saves you but now you have heavenly fire inside you and you can't hardly even touch her or anyone really and you don't know how to fix it, but are told you're the key to defeating this evil person who is your girlfriends brother but how?. And everyone is depending on you know how to defeat him with the heavenly fire. But you have no idea how.

And then again the person who changed you into someone you like figured it out and you know you can't do life without them. And you defeat the bad guy, but you lose someone because they sacrificed their self for you and all your friends and family and they won't remember that they did it. And then you and her are starting to find happiness but you know without her best friend she won't be fully happy and you get that cause that's a different happiness like alec is to him. But he comes back and she has him and they are rekindling their relationship and then they become parabatai and you are happy.

And you know you made mistakes so many but how could you make up for them all you can't turn back time and take back the stupid things you said and did and plus if you did then you wouldn't be who you are and where you are today, so would you really?. And they have forgiven you but you haven't yourself but your learning to, cause you're leaning new things everyday. You're learning what true love is and what it's like to have a true family. And for the first time you believe you deserve it and are genuinely happy, and you feel safe and you know now home isn't a place it's a person. And this person is everything to you.

So yes you are gonna disagree with me I'm sure but this is what I believe and I have never taken Jace's asshole stuff or stupid shit he's said seriously cause if you read his character and got to know him then you know there is so much more to jace then what's on the outside and what he let's others see. And jace has been said to be gentle and have something about him you want to protect so yeah I don't believe he's as bad as some are saying he is. And like I said I relate to jace, hate me or love me but I've done some of the same stuff and it wasn't right but hey I learned and I'm better now.

So in conclusion I love jace herondale and he will always be one of the characters I relate more then any of them and I'm sorry but I won't stop loving him.

And thanks anon hopefully this is alright, this is something I have been wanting to get out for a while.

Love you 😘💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤

And this also got long and I'm sorry about that.

And I'm not calling anyone out and again you have the right to your own opinion and I respect that but understand mine as well please. Try to understand how abuse victims feel when seeing jace a abuse survivor win and be happy how that makes them feel. And how it feels when you put jace down cause it's like you're putting them down. Everyone handles feelings and pain differently and no you shouldn't hurt someone but there also needs to be forgiveness and empathy and compassion and kindness and understanding.

Please stay safe and healthy and take care of yourselves, I love you all and appreciate you all no matter how different we are or how much we may disagree.

[tintinwrites]

captain dameron | Poe Dameron x Reader Pirate AU | Part One

A/N: IDK WHAT THIS IS GUYS I’M SORRY

Rating: T but might go up to M bc I love a late 1600′s-early 1700′s smut scene

Warning: Gross pirates being perverse and making unwanted sexual advances towards the reader. Pirate-y action?

Word count: 1,166, apparently!!

Summary: You’ve heard terrifying stories all your life about Captain Dameron  — a heedless, self-seeking pirate from an enemy country. The ship taking you to your home after a trip is boarded by him and instead of facing a terrifying marauder, you’re surprised to meet a respectful if not reckless man who seems to have not even considered harming you. Loosely based on the book ‘Beauvallet’ by Georgette Heyer.

GIF credit: No idea, but it’s not mine.

                                                            -

"I am Y/N L/N and you will let me go this instant!"

"You're a pretty one, that's for sure."

You had been struggling ever since your ship had been boarded and two entirely unkempt pirates dragged you out of your room. It didn't seem to matter how many times you shoved them or what you told them, they kept their grips tight and continued.

They grabbed at your skirt now and then, barely suppressing themselves from tearing the fabric since you were likely the first woman they'd seen in months or however long they'd been at sea.

You felt the one on your right caressing your side as if he could gain any sort of pleasure through your corset and the silk of your dress.

He only laughed when you jerked away, bumping into the pirate on your left.

"I think she wants us to rough 'er up a little."

"You hold her down and I'd be happy to subdue her."

"Don't you touch me!" You desperately leaned away as much as you could since the left one was licking his lips, hand reaching eagerly for your chest.

"What's going on here?" That commanding voice had the two men righting themselves in an instant as if they hadn't casually been discussing the things they wanted to do to you.

You looked ahead to see a man who was much more put together than them; he was clean-shaven and seemingly washed, a head full of natural curls and a set of pristine clothes. He gave a quick nod that had the men releasing you and running off.

He gave you an admittedly dashing smile which you supposed meant he was expecting you to fall to your knees in worship, but you merely squared your shoulders and lifted your chin.

"I am Y/N L/N. I am sure you have heard of me."

"Indeed, miss. And I'm Poe Dameron." The mention of his name had your brave posture deflating, a hint of fear coming to your gaze. "I'm sure you've heard of me as well."

Was there anyone on the earth who hadn't heard of Captain Dameron? He was a ruthless pirate who went around taking whatever he pleased. He was so good at getting away with all his crimes that everyone was sure he practiced witchcraft.

And now he had boarded the ship you were traveling on.

Anyone intelligent enough would surrender and beg to be spared by the magical, sinister man that stood before you.

You almost wanted to.

But you would not let yourself give in to a man who clearly egotistically indulged in all the rumors about himself.

You saw something at his hip glimmering in the sun and your eyes darted down to see a dagger. Pouncing without giving him time to react, you snatched it from its hilt and quickly stumbled back with it held up defensively.

He laughed jovially as you backed up into the spar of the ship's mast, taking steps towards you despite the weapon you had pointed at him. "Why don't I give you a free shot?" He held his arms out to give you access to the places that mattered.

There was no reason to second guess; you lunged forward and aimed to bury the dagger in his side.

Only he grabbed your wrist and knocked the dagger from your hand easily, spinning you around and pulling you against him so your back was to his chest.

Fear ran through you so intensely that you nearly fainted right there, tense in the vulnerable position he was holding you in. "Unhand me!" The terror in your voice did the trick and he let go.

You had been pushing against him and the momentum of the release had you stumbling forward, then quickly turning around to avoid the vulnerable position of a turned back.

"I wasn't going to hurt you." He looked almost regretfully upon you.

"You attack our ship and you expect me to believe that you will not hurt me!"

He raised an eyebrow. "Your ship attacked mine."

You paused, your mouth open for a moment. "I've no reason to believe you."

There was a mischievous gleam in his eye as he shrugged and looked over his shoulder. "Can you give me a hand, Finn?" His call had a young man walking to his side, who he gave a friendly slap on the back.

You stiffened at the sight of another man, shrinking under his gaze.

"He won't hurt you. My right hand man." He squeezed the younger man's shoulder. "Take her on board."

"I will not go!" You cried out despite Finn grabbing your arm in a firm grip, leading you to the ramp that connected their ship to the one you were on. You looked around for anyone who might fight back against these pirates, your eyes widening when you saw the ship's captain unconscious.

Had they killed him? What would they do to everyone else on the ship?

You had not been alone when they grabbed you. "My father!" The words were practically screamed to Captain Dameron. He had retrieved his dagger and started following you, but he paused his steps at your desperation. "If you are going to take me, please take my father as well! He's in the second room below deck."

A softness came to his eyes. He nodded to a couple of his men and said, "Get her father and bring him on board."

You were taken onto his ship then, stumbling slightly when Finn let go of you. "What do you intend to do to me?" Your question was directed at the captain himself who stopped in front of you.

"I'm taking you home."

"I don't wish to go to your home."

"Not mine. Your home."

"My home?" You stared at him in bewilderment.

Part of you wondered why this feared pirate was going to simply take you home.

The other part of you was shocked at his stupidity and said plainly, "Our countries are at war and my people especially hate you! You will be killed if your ship comes anywhere near our shores."

"I'm aware." Yet your words seemed to have little effect on him. "But what kind of man would I be if I didn't continue your journey?"

"A pirate."

He grinned almost proudly at your fire. "Let me show you to your room."

That was all he did for you. He showed you to the room you'd been staying in and bid you farewell for the moment, leaving you to ponder.

You had heard so many stories about Captain Dameron that you had feared him. Why was he being so kind? He was definitely cocksure, but he didn't seem cruel in the least.

Perhaps he was trying to trick you and then he would turn on you when you fell for it.

You would not let him weaken you, even though he seemed nothing like the heartless pirate you were told about.

[fairycosmos]

TRIGGER WARNING : I know you're not a psychiatrist tbh I just need to vent and I really like you so yea, I've come to the conclusion that I am what everyone thought I was which is a lazy little bitch using depression and suicidal thoughts as an excuse to be lazy I use to feel guilty but idc anymore it just shows there's no hope for me at all the only problem is I don't have the guts to shoot myself in the head and it's the last option I have Im sorry I just don't know who to turn to

hey dude. i’m sorry to hear you’re hurting so much right now. i know it’s a complex and personal issue that words alone can’t solve, but i still hope you’re open to some comfort, some alternative narratives to center your thoughts around. and idk just a few words from someone who can understand to an extent....i think first and foremost it’s a good idea to ask yourself, when you’re in the right state of mind to, where all of this self loathing is actually coming from. whether it’s grounded in anything substantial. it’s important to remember that a massive part of depression is feeling like you’re faking, over-exaggerating, using it as an excuse etc. i’ve heard a lot of people with mental illness echo the same sentiment. and the fact that you feel this way, so violently negatively towards yourself, indicates that you ARE struggling with a much deeper problem. but we’re taught to overlook it and to blame ourselves, partially due to society’s attitude regarding mental illness. in short we’re conditioned to feel like we’re lazy and worthless if we can’t produce labor and profit, or if something prevents us from doing so, but that’s merely a capitalist myth. those around you have internalized its message and are now projecting it onto you. but now that you recognize that fact, you can begin dismantling that belief system in your own head. cause in actuality, it’s got nothing to do with you or your value as a person. it’s the system that’s the issue, and the way it sees human life as nothing more than a means to an end, when people are so much more than that. you are so much more than that. you’re not here to constantly please everyone or to be some emotionless machine. so anyone who was judging you by that standard is fkn deluded and their opinion doesn’t hold much weight to begin with. then there’s also the stigma surrounding depression itself. people who’ve never experienced it don’t get how debilitating it is to live with. how it doesn’t just prevent people from working, how it prevents people from progressing in all areas of their lives when it’s left unacknowledged. which is why the answer isn’t to hurt yourself, it’s to admit to what hurts. this isn’t a matter of personal failure, or of laziness. it’s an illness, something that needs to be confronted head on with time, treatment, and self help in order to move beyond it. it’s just as serious as any physical ailment, but you don’t have to beg anyone to understand that.  you’re going through so much just by getting through the day and the fact that you’re still here counts for so much. i promise, you are not your negative thoughts. your mind is just trying to get you to stay in the cycle of self hatred > self destruction > self hatred so that you feel more discouraged and less likely to seek the support you need, even though that could be the one thing that would break the repetitive pattern. idk who made you believe that you are this bad and unforgivable person but i hope you know that it is genuinely, truly possible to grow beyond that way of thinking. it may take time, and it may feel unreachable right now, but change is honestly constant especially if you seek it out. the way you see yourself in five years will not mirror the way you see yourself now, you know? this is all a process and as long as you’re getting through it, you’re doing so much better than you realize. 

it’s ok to recognize all of that and to still feel like shit, to still feel like giving up sometimes. sadness, anger, pain - they’re exhausting and terrifying, but you don’t have to push those emotions away. though they don’t have to control all of your actions either. because they’re never as permanent as they feel. part of being suicidal is thinking in a black and white fashion, where everything has to be all or nothing. but it doesn’t. there’s a lot of nuance and a lot of different choices you can make, if you just breathe and keep yourself in a safe environment above all else. like i said, you’re living with an illness and bad days are a natural part of that. but having the tools to be able to cope with them in a healthy way could make all the difference. and that IS an option for you, even if you can’t see it right now. are you currently seeing a mental health professional? if not, i’d really really suggest looking into that before you make any permanent and heavy handed decisions about whether or not it’s worth it to stay alive. seriously, even if you’re unable to see a therapist at the moment - there are depression/suicide hotlines you can call who can help you with the next step, there may be support groups in your area, your doctor may be able to refer you to a counselor. you are capable of reaching out, as proven with this message, which is a really good sign. and building routines around personal self help and finding what works for you would be a step in the right direction, too. there is so much that can be done in terms of identifying what you feel the way you feel, relearning how to treat yourself, developing a support network over a period of time, opening up to make room to heal - it’s possible. i promise it is. it’s possible to live a full, stable life that you’re proud of despite having depression. if you have any trusted loved ones, now may also be a good time to talk to them about whats going on. i’m sure they want to have the chance to be there for you, and it’s alright to lean on them when you need it. you’re clearly in a very emotional state right now so i don’t blame you if you can’t bring yourself to believe me, but i hope it’s an idea you can keep revisiting. because really what my main point is, is that you deserve to stay alive regardless the fact that you’re dealing with a mental illness. i don’t want to sound cliche but it’s true that nothing would be the same without you, that you’re here for a reason (which you fulfill every day, just by being who you are) and that your presence is far more precious than you know. i’m sorry you were made to feel any different. you get this one life and i would really hate to see you do something you could regret over situations and feelings that can be helped. you are not beyond hope, you are not a lost cause. especially if you live your life as if you’re not. you still exist and that means there are a million different ways things could turn out, the future is ever changing. the present is all you need to worry about. it’s just another symptom of depression to catastrophize and picture everything ending in the worst case scenario, which is something that can also be helped with therapy/practicing mindfulness. anyway, i’m aware that this is getting super long and i’m going to leave some links that may be of some use to you in terms of follow up support, but i’m really begging you. no matter how awful you feel tonight, just allow yourself to breathe through it. cry through it. call someone if it all feels like too much. keep yourself away from anything you could use to harm yourself with. and then wake up tomorrow knowing you have the chance to try again, knowing that that is a good thing, knowing that this moment is not what your whole existence is going to look like. please, please call someone if you think you’re a danger to yourself. even if you have to pick up the phone on autopilot. you mean so much. im sending you a lot of love and hoping you find the self appreciation you deserve. if you ever need a friend please feel free to message me. you’re not on this alone.

https://faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/global-suicide-hotline-resources/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm

https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/a-z/resource/50/suicide-coping-with-suicidal-thoughts

https://medium.com/@sameoldzen/finding-intrinsic-self-worth-in-a-capitalist-system-7069be072b5b

https://serenitymentalhealthcenters.com/31-coping-skills-for-depression/

[lostincalum]

Nothing Flashed Before My Eyes- Michael Clifford AU

AN: It’s here, without being queer (I’m sorry I had to) after months i have finally finished this monstrosity, idk what to say tbh. But if you do read I hope you enjoy and leave a coment if you enjoyed. 

TW: schizofrenia, attempted suicide, self harm, alcoholism (i promise i have tried to describe them as neutral as I could)

Word count: 8k (issa long boi from me)

“Nothing flashed before my eyes.”

I spoke softly as I stared up at the sterile white of the roof.

“What do you mean?”

He asked carefully, as though I would shatter and the world would collapse if he spoke any louder.

“When I took the pills…”

Suddenly the words were harder to speak, my throat clogging up. I looked at him, straight  into his eyes. His cold, emerald- eyes. It seems like he has lost all hope for me. 

“… everything kind of just stopped for a minute. And then I went to bed, hoping to never wake up. But there was no pretty angels, and no bright light, just nothing”

He looked at me, as if I had just told him God and heaven didn’t exist. I suppose I had. Then he walked out the door. Not looking back once. 

----

Walking through the doors to the psych ward is scary. I’ve been to a couple before, but this place feels different, and I don’t get why I’m here. It looks too stupid expensive. With the soft white walls and view over the city. With the stupid billowing curtains and stupid leather couches. It looks like a normal house, except really big and spacious. I hate it already. 

When my mum puts her hand on my shoulder, it feels like the weight of the world is dropped there. And while I know it is meant to be a comforting gesture, I can’t help but think that I don’t want anyone else to touch me today. I feel suffocated in the openness of the building, that I know my step-dad paid his way into.

“Hi and welcome to Hollywood Heights treatment centre.”- 

I turn at the sound of a female voice that is way too happy for this place, and I’m met with the blue eyes of a petite lady. The only way for me to spot that she is in fact not a patient is her ID card that is fastened at her belt hoop. Her brown hair is short and spiky. 

Mum rushes forward, taking her hand off of my shoulder, but leaving the weight, to shake the hand of the lady. 

“Hey, I’m Mary, thank you so much for taking in my daughter. We appreciate it so much.” 

I give her a tight lipped smile. 

“Oh, there are no worries Mary! and you must be Riley?” 

She directs the question at me, and I nod quietly, letting my eyes flicker over the flowers that are spread across the different surfaces in the entrance and reception area. 

“Well, let’s just get you officially admitted, and we can begin the little tour.” 

I have a sinking feeling this is gonna be anything but a “little” tour. 

----

After thirty minutes of walking around the house and being shown every possible nook and cranny as well as its function, I have some time in my room. 

Mum left a couple of minutes ago after she got a call from work, that she was needed. Immediately of course. 

I start unpacking my bag, it isn’t a lot, mostly sweatpants and long sleeves. But I also brought my laptop and a few different chargers. I sit down on the not too hard mattress of the bed and stare at the annoyingly soft, white colour of the wall, until it isn’t white anymore. 

The wall isn’t white, it’s red. Trails of red teardrops slither down the wall in front of me. I watch as it reaches the floor and starts sliding towards my bed, the bed where I’m sitting, as if the floor is tilted. 

This isn’t gonna end well for you, dear. 

Slowly I find the pattern and as my heart skips a beat, my converse clad feet jump around the floor as I try to reach the door. When I finally do, and twist the door handle, I slam it shut behind me. Leaning against the door, it feels like my knees are about to give out underneath me and my eyes are way to warm and stingy. 

“You alright?” 

I whip my head around and suddenly my eyes are met with a pair of green ones. I can’t quite make them out ‘cause of the fringe covering one of his eyes, and the dark pupil of his other eye. But I’m positive that his eyes are green. I quickly look behind me as I turn around, pulling the sleeves of my loose henley down my arms, and start walking away. 

“I’m fine,” my voice comes out somewhat smothered, but I don’t hear any footsteps following me. I just hear the thud of something dropping to the ground. I don’t turn around. I don’t want to turn around. But I do. And I find his head cocked ever so slightly to the side, but still attached to his neck. 

Got you, hahaha 

“Fuck you,” I mumble to myself, turning around for the second time and continuing to walk god knows where. 

-------

I find myself in the music room. Out of all the things I hate here, I really hate this place the most. I love music so much, but they’ve managed to make this even this room feel strange. It’s not that they’ve not put any effort into it. They’ve overdone it. A lot of the places I’ve been to before have had instruments and music rooms, but this is too over the top. Brand new drum kits, never used guitars, both acoustic and electric, and a selection of basses that have never been touched. The ivory keys of the grand piano have barely been played. That’s the moment I know that’s where I’ll be spending most of my time. Wearing in all the instruments. 

Coincidentally that is also where I am disturbed first. I jump a little when I hear crackling coming from the corner of the room. The voice belongs to Linda, the lady who showed me around when I arrived. 

“If all patients would come to the kitchen, dinner is about to be served.” 

I sigh and walk out of the room, headed for the kitchen area. When I’m in the stairs I pass by a tall blonde with curly hair and a bright smile. However, it is bright in a different way than what Linda had. More like friendly, which I find hard to believe in, considering where I’m at. 

“Hey, you must be Riley, right?” 

She puts forward a hand, expecting me to shake it. I just nod, but it doesn’t seem to affect her, as she puts her hand back into the pocket of her jeans, but continues to talk.

“I’m Lucy, I’ll be your psychiatrist while you stay here, I have to go right now, but enjoy your dinner, and I’ll see that you get a message tomorrow for our first official session.” 

I nod again, and as I start to walk down the stairs, she doesn’t call after me, doesn’t stop me, she just lets me go. And I appreciate that. 

When I get to the kitchen, it is bustling with something that looks like life. I find it a little bit funny, that something that is so depressing in the media, is so lively in real life. A couple of girls are chatting beside each other and a boy and a girl look like they are sitting a little too close to each other, because not a second later Linda is pulling the girl away from the boy. 

I stand in the entrance and watch as a man puts two pots containing some sort of stew in it on the table, it doesn’t smell bad. 

The only spot left by the table is in front of a guy in a black hoodie, that he has pulled over his head, but I swear I can see his blonde fringe from here. I step further into the room and a round, tall man introduces himself to me as Johnny.

Maybe we should cut his head open and put a mixer in his brain.

“Or maybe not,” all I do is hope that no one hears me whispering as I walk to the open spot.  

Carefully I sit down in front of the boy in the black hoodie, and start fiddling with the fork. He looks up from his phone when he hears me picking up the fork. To be honest I expect him to look at me with sort of an insulted look, but he doesn’t. His eyes, albeit a bit sad, are filled with curiosity. 

“Hey, I’m Michael,” he smiles as he reaches out his right hand. 

“Riley’s the name,” I look at him, shaking his hand briefly but firmly and go back to playing with the fork. 

“You want a little tip for staying here?” Michael says as his eyes dance over my appearance. He continues to do so, until he notices my eyes, and pulls the hood of his sweater down. 

“Sure,” the fact that I’m constantly avoiding his eyes; must be annoying for him. I must seem like the most arrogant person he has ever met. Yet he continues to talk to me. 

“Keep something to yourself, not something big or scary. But something, a dream, a hope, a fantasy, just for yourself. That way you can keep a part of you.”

He looks at me with these deep green eyes, and for the first time in a while, green doesn’t make me feel sick and empty. It doesn’t make me feel as excited as before, more on the safe side. 

You still don’t get it? nowhere is safe for you, I will ruin anything and everything for you.

I roll my eyes as he whispers in you ear, his hands on my shoulders pressing down harder. To get rid of the feeling I roll my shoulders and try to focus on the conversation as well as my surroundings. 

“Why? aren’t we supposed to do as they say and answer every question?”

 It feels like a stupid question, because what he is saying makes sense, to me at least. A small, but tired smile makes it way onto his lips. 

“Common misconception, but no. If you do that, they have the knowledge to persuade, control, almost own you. Not everyone knows all of themselves, but you seem like you do.” 

The cheeky wink he sends me doesn’t go unnoticed, but as a bowl of pasta is set down in front of us, he engages in a conversation on his left side. 

“How you doing Sandra, everything go well in your session today?”

To be honest, Michael seemed like the person that took care amongst the patients. Like he wanted to make sure that everyone was alright. As he talked to Sandra, I could tell that he genuinely cared about what she had to say. 

“Okay, everyone, get ready for grace.” 

Johnny announces as he sits down at the head of the table, opposite to the side where me and Michael are sitting. Everyone reaches their hands out and as the girl to my right reaches out a hand I hold it carefully, not really wanting to be touched more than necessary. Michael reaches out a hand, and I think he gets it, cause he holds me gingerly, but without fear. Like he isn’t scared that I’ll break any second. 

After we finish grace, Johnny stands up and looks at me, with a kind smile. 

“So everyone, we have a new patient here today, her name is Riley. Give her a warm welcome, and take care of eachother.”

I pull my hands into my sweater sleeves and give them all a nod as they all look at me. Some of them nodding back. The girl Michael was talking to even let out a little “hi”.  

---------

Being social has always been difficult for me, and as I sit here in my bedroom, I have no idea of what to do with myself. I’m sat in the only chair in the room. It’s hard plastic and I can tell it is going to annoy me for a while. I don’t wanna look at the wall anymore so I pick up my phone and start scrolling through different media. 

On all of them, he is there, looking so fucking innocent, too fucking innocent. Like he has moved on from what I did to myself, what I did to us. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that he is ignoring it like this, so easy. 

There are two sharp raps on the door, and it opens, invading my space and making me jump slightly. Linda is standing in the doorway, with her bright fake smile on her lips. 

“Hi, Riley group therapy starts in three minutes, you should come-” she smiles at me.

“It is mandatory, but if you don’t feel like going your first day that’s alright too.” It feels like she is trying to force me to go with her eyes. 

“Nah, I think I’ll go next time.” 

At last you get something right 

“Okay, please let us know if there is something we can do for you.” Linda says before she closes the door behind her, leaving me alone with my own head. 

----

I go to sleep shortly after getting my medicine handed to me from Johnny. Here, like all other institutions we aren’t allowed to have our own medicine at our own disposal. And I think that might be a good thing.

------

I wake up still rattled from a nightmare. My alarm is still blaring beside me and I turn to shut it off, just as there is a knock on my door. Linda walks in not a second later. 

“Breakfast is in five minutes, you’ve slept in for long enough now.” 

The fake smile, everything about her ticks me off, especially her condescending tone of voice. I just nod and start getting out of bed, she stares at my thighs and I know she has seen the scars that litter the top of them. I’m just glad I still have my long sleeve covering my arms. 

“I’ll be there in a couple of minutes.” 

Linda walks out of my room, but still throws a last glance at my thighs. Looking as if they suddenly might attack her or come alive. As the door shuts behind her I look down at my legs, feeling ashamed.

You deserve these, after all you did it to yourself. 

“No, you made me do this, you said-”

And you listened. Honestly, one would think you to be stronger. 

“Yeah? Fuck you”.

I go about my routine, which is basically changing my top and putting on deodorant. I also put on a pair of sweatpants and socks before going out the door and to the kitchen on the first floor. 

When I exit I also see another person closing her door. I recognize her as Sandra. The girl Michael was talking to at dinner yesterday. She looks at me and smiles, and starts heading for me. 

“Hi, are you ready for breakfast?” 

She smiles at me. Her body is covered in a big knit sweater and baggy jeans, like she is trying to hide herself from the world.  

You could just grab a kitchen knife and stab her between her ribs.

I close my eyes for less than a second and look at her, seeing her tired eyes and messy hair. In that second I can’t help but think that her and I will be good friends. 

“Yeah, I think so. You?”

We start walking towards the kitchen and I feel the weight on my shoulders pressing me down. 

“Not really, but I can’t give up now.” 

Sandra looks down at her feet, which causes me to ask her a question out of curiosity. 

“What do you mean?” 

She looks at me nervously, before she starts talking again. 

“Well, I’m not that good at eating? I suppose.” 

I nod trying to come across as understanding, as she looks at me like she expects me to come up with some big ol’ scream, instead I decide to “become even”. 

“It’s quite alright, I’m not that good at living.” 

And I think this was one of the best things I could have said, cause she smiles at me and lets out a little giggle, as we enter the kitchen. Everyone else seems to be there, at least the people from yesterday, I still haven’t talked to anyone else though. 

Sandra and I sit down at the same places as we sat yesterday at dinner. She is immediately engaged in a conversation with the same guy from yesterday, the one she was pulled away from. He leans in for a hug and her frame is engulfed by his rather muscular one. With red tinted cheeks she turns to look at me. 

“Chris, this is Riley.”

Chris leans back in his seat, with an arm thrown around the back of Sandra’s chair. He looks at me kind of judgey before giving me a nod of approval, at least that’s what it looks like. I give him a nod back, but before he can say anything our attention is pulled towards two girls entering the kitchen. One of them looks like she has been crying and the other holds a comforting hand on her back as they sit down beside me. 

They’re here to kill you 

Yeah right, and I’m here to listen to you….

-----

After breakfast, as I’m headed up the stairs, I hear soft chords coming from the music room. Someone is strumming a guitar and it’s like I’m hearing music for the first time. Not only music but one of the prettiest voices I have ever heard is singing along to the song. 

I have a vague feeling in the pit of my stomach that I know who is playing. I walk closer to the open doors, and as I see Michael sitting on the floor playing the guitar that previously hung on the wall, I kind of melt a little. His fringe and the little crease between his brows, it’s all very enamoring. 

“I’m alright, I’m Okay, I’m alright I’m okay, I’m not a monster just a human and I’ve made a few mistakes.”

Not gonna happen for you though. 

We’ll see about that, I think to myself. 

He sings the words so carefully like he doesn’t quite believe them. He finishes the song and looks up, seeing me in the doorway. Immediately the frown is back, but not as enamouring, more suspicious. It almost hides the blush that is lightly covering his cheeks. 

“Sorry, I can come back later.” 

I say as he puts the guitar down and gets up. 

“No no, do you play?” he inquires, seemingly having gathered himself. 

“Ehh, a little bit of everything.” I answer as he looks at me. 

Not as well as you like to think.  

I roll my eyes as I look down on the floor, hoping he doesn’t see. 

“A little bit of everything eh?” Michael says. 

“Yeah, I was taught the piano from a young age, and a bit of bass and guitar. Drums aren’t the worst, but anything that makes me use my mouth to make it work isn't for me to play, how about you though?”  I say as he stares at me quizzically. 

“Well I’m self taught at guitar so I can’t really write or read music, but I still like to think I know how to.” 

He stares down at his feet a little bashfully. 

“Well, you have a good voice, it’s strong and vulnerable at the same time. I really like the song you were playing as well.” 

“You do? I haven’t actually written it myself it’s called ‘It’s alright’ by-” 

“Mother Mother, I know. I really like it.” 

We stare at each other for  a second before we both burst out in giggles. It’s been a while since I have smiled like this.  

You know this won’t last.

---------

Group therapy is the first thing that happens that week. It’s always between breakfast and lunch. And I walk from the music room with Michael right after the call comes on the radio thing that crackles in the corner of the room. We walk side by side until we come to the hallway with all the bedrooms in it. He stops by the door that is closest to the stairs, three doors down from me. 

“You aren’t going to group therapy?” 

I ask, and hope the disappointment isn’t as obvious in my voice as it feels. 

“Nah, I don’t do group.” 

Michael says with a secretive, yet tired smile, and I decide not to press the matter, even though it felt like a weird  thing to come from him, considering how caring of the others he seems to be. 

“Well, I’ll see you at dinner then.” 

He nods as he opens the door and I take that as my cue to leave. 

-----

“Hello and welcome back to group therapy. For some of us, this is the first time we’re here, others have been here before.” 

Lucy starts off the session with everyone I’ve seen sitting in a circle and it looks more like an AA meeting than anything else. 

“Since we have a new patient here today I think we should all take turns and say what’s on our minds.” 

She smiles at us, and it doesn’t seem as fake as it could have been. 

“Why don’t you start Riley?” 

With the friendly smile she gives me, I should have been able to meet her gaze, but a big, looming, black figure is standing behind her, so I opt to look at my feet instead. 

“Well, hi, my name is Riley and today I don’t feel much like living, like most days.” 

My voice comes out tired and drawn out, and I can see Lucy crossing her legs and readying her notepad in anticipation.

------

The days go like this, we do group therapy as well as one on one, and I discover that Lucy isn’t like most other psychiatrists. She listens when I talk, and helps me figure out different kinds of things. It is probably in my journal, but she hasn’t asked about the voices yet. And I prefer it like that. 

I have also started to connect more with Michael. We both sit in the music room and wear in all the instruments, although the most frequently used ones are the piano and guitars. He has the sweetest voice when he sings: vulnerable, but still confident.

A few days ago he let me follow his instagram, and ever since I have been staring, wondering how to read him. He seems so different from the person he is here. Always surrounded by friends and always laughing it seems. Yet there is something that still bothers me. He always seems to be at a party. The glassed over look in his eyes, and the red cup in his hand. The photos seem to be posted in a small time frame, almost like he’s partying every other day. And suddenly I get what has been right in front of me since I first saw his instagram. At least I think I do. 

One day we are sitting in the music room and it’s right before dinner. That’s when I decide to address my own thoughts. 

“Michael, can I ask you something?” 

He looks at me, like he always does, with these understanding, green eyes of his. So patient and calm. Like the green water that comes from glacier ice. We’re sat beside each other on the piano stool after playing around on the grand piano. 

“You know you can ask me anything, right Riles?” 

Michael bumps my knee with his, as he gives me one of his most reassuring smiles. And I feel the lump in my chest grow. 

“Well, I was just wondering-”

I hate this, I should back down, but I can’t stop now and before I can really think it through the words tumble out of my mouth. 

“Do you have an alcohol problem?” 

And the shift is immediate. His body goes rigid, he stops fiddling with the keys on the piano and his brows furrow. 

“Not that question though, that is none of your business.”

I can see him shutting me out. He gets up just as Linda’s voice crackles through the room, calling us to dinner. Before I know it he has slammed the door to the music room shut, making me jump. 

How did you really think this would go? That he would open up to you and cry on your shoulder? You really are more stupid than we thought. 

The weight that had been lightening on my shoulder immediately goes back to crushing me, and regret is all I feel. What if I have ruined our friendship?

Probably. 

When I enter the kitchen everyone is already seated and saying grace. I decide not to intrude as they complete. Opting to watch everyone else holding hands and in varying degrees keeping up with Linda who is leading grace. 

They finish and once I get to the table and sit down on my usual spot, Linda scowls at me. I don’t really care for it. Just the fact that Michael doesn’t even look up when my chair scrapes across the floor, I hate it. I hate it so much. 

Sandra looks at me quizzically. Usually me and Michael come down together from the music room, or we talk about music or books or anything that crosses our minds. The fact that he won’t even look at me is unusual to say the least. Which causes the entire dinner to be awkward. It’s like we have thrown the entire house off. Or I. I guess I did this. 

Of course you did, who else?

----

Michael is the first to leave dinner, and I follow shortly after. I go straight to my room to get dressed. There is a little swing in the garden which overlooks the entire city, and I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I need some fresh air. 

I just throw on a hoodie and grab my ear buds, putting them in my ears as I walk down the stairs and out the door.

I sit down on the porch swing in the garden and find a good loud song to shut out all my thoughts. I must have been sitting here for a few minutes when Sandra sits down beside me, making me jump a little. 

“How are you?” 

She asks this so softly, and I pull out my ear buds. 

“Not too good to be honest.”

Her hands fiddle with the ends of her scarf as she looks at me.

“I figured, wanna talk about it?” 

I can feel myself wanting to let it all out. I feel lonely already without the tiny touches from Michael. Fuck. 

“I just, I don’t know, I think I might have made a big mistake.”

Sandra looks at me, gives me one of those looks, that says she already knows what this is about, but she has the decency to ask me anyway. 

“What’s going on?” 

Sighing feels like the only thing I can do. 

“I, well it isn’t my place to tell, but I asked Michael something that I shouldn’t have asked about, and now he is mad at me. And I mean, he has every right to be angry, but it hurts.” 

This time it is Sandra’s turn to sigh. 

“You asked him why he’s here?”

“Something along those lines.” 

“You should know Riley, that he has been here longer than most of us, and the walls he has built are so tall. When Chris first came here, he didn’t really understand why Michael was here. So he lashed out, and kept yelling about how Michael didn’t deserve to be here, and how he was more of an employee here than a patient. It definitely took a toll on him, even though Chris has apologized.”

“Do you know why he is here?” 

I can’t stop myself from asking. I know I shouldn’t, but the words already slipped out of my mouth. 

“No, I figured we all have our reasons and he doesn’t have to share them if he doesn’t feel like it, we owe him at least that.” 

The sun is setting now, and the light reflects on us making warm hues glimmer across the city beneath us, as well as Sandra’s cheeks. Her hair looks like a black halo with golden edges. 

“Yeah, maybe I should go apologize?” 

“No-” she turns to look at me. 

“You shouldn’t apologize, he needs to be asked this sort of questions  if he ever wants to learn to live with whatever he is dealing with.” 

I can’t help but agree with what she is saying.  

-----

Lucy has one of the few nice rooms in the building, her office is more welcoming than I ever thought a psychiatric office could be. There is a good, comfortable two seat sofa in one corner of the room. Her desk is neat, but looks lived in for some reason. It’s like she has been here for a good part of her life. With a pair of running shoes, a couple of jackets hanging on the hooks by the door. But my most favourite thing about her office is the window though, which has a good look over the wild side behind the house. 

That is where I’m looking when Lucy says my name, probably for the second time.

“Riley, how are you? You seem very distracted today.”

I look down at my hands, wondering how I’m gonna phrase this. 

“I am.” 

She cocks her head to the side, indicating for me to continue. I can’t though, it always has been easier for me to answer questions than to just tell someone what’s wrong.

“I noticed you and Michael haven’t been hanging out? it seemed like the two of you got a really good connection, what’s happened?” 

“We can talk about anything else, just not that, not right now.” 

And in this moment I swear I think she really cares. 

But why would she care about you?

“Your suicide attempt then? The nurses wrote that you had a visitor when you woke up?” 

Of course, it had to come eventually, I’m just surprised it took her this long.

“Yeah, there was.” 

“Who was he?” 

“Well since you know it’s a boy, you probably also know who he was to me.” 

She looks at me with these really sad eyes. It’s pity, I know it’s pity, and I feel nauseous. 

“I do, he’s mentioned in your papers a lot.” 

“God, I know, I was so stupid back then.” 

I sigh, trying to avoid the lump in the back of my throat. 

“You weren’t stupid.” 

“No, I was in love, and I hated it and it’s not gonna- it can’t happen again.” 

I can hear myself, how pathetic I sound, and I can’t stop the tears from streaming out of my eyes, and down my cheeks.

“Riley, you are never stupid for having feelings.” 

She sounds so stupid, so naive when she says that. She probably married her first love. I can see the ring on her finger, just taunting me by showing me what I can’t ever have. 

Now you’re starting to get it. 

“I am though, ‘cause it’s always the wrong feeling, or too much of it, too little, whatever it is, it’s never right.” 

Lucy crosses and uncrosses her legs before speaking up again. 

“So you’ve decided to not feel?” 

Her saying this, it feels a bit like an insult, cause here I am, crying trying to bare my soul to her. And she accuses me of trying to not feel?

“Oh I feel, I’m heartbroken, and sad and scared, I’m frustrated and desperate.” 

---

After my session with Lucy I’m tired, so when the screaming from my room increases I’m not really surprised. What surprises me is that they are screaming for mercy now. I don’t know what to do, but I can hear the most graphic noises coming from behind my door. The cries for help increase, as does the laughter. And just like that, I’m in tears for the second time today. 

This time however, it’s different. I’m alone and the voices I know are just in my head, sound too real to be fantasy. I slide down the wall, not wanting to go inside my room, in fear of what I’ll meet. A mantra begins to escape my lips and I close my eyes while patting all my pockets for my earbuds. 

“Please just stop, please just stop, please just stop,” escapes me over and over. 

Suddenly, like lightning from clear sky I feel a presence sitting down beside me. His voice is calm as he says, “I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” 

Michael is sitting beside me, I know him by his rough voice and the scent of him, laundry detergent, encompasses me entirely. My room goes quieter, and I start to get my bearings again. Wiping my eyes, I stand up and look at Michael. His eyes are red rimmed and he looks tired, but there is something familiar about it. His drooping, squinty eyes, for some reason he looks hungover. He can’t possibly be. 

“I should probably, I mean, I’ll see you around.”

I stutter out, before I say something I shouldn’t. And before he has the time to respond I open the door and slip in. Not without missing the soft “fuck” he lets out, which makes me wonder if i have made a mistake. 

When don’t you make mistakes?

I lean my back against the door, and sigh looking towards the bathroom, feeling the need for release really fast. 

---

I get a snap from Sandra, whilst I’m sitting on the bathroom floor. It’s a picture of the living room, and if I squint I can see Johnny in the background of the screen. I put the camera of the phone down on my jeans and take a black picture. With shaking hands I type:

“Can you ask Johnny to come to my room?”

A few seconds later I get back a picture of Johnny exiting the living room with the text: “On his way, you alright?” 

Before I have the time to respond there is a nock on my door, before it opens. 

“Where are you Riley?” 

His calm and steady voice made me feel worse. How the fuck am I supposed to explain this. 

“Bathroom, you can come in.” 

I feel the tears burning behind my eyes again, and the short relief I felt is gone, replaced with regret. Johnny stands in the doorway looking at me before taking another step closer and turning my wrist up to assess the damage I have done to myself. 

“Okay, I’ll get you stitched up and then we can talk about what has happened?” 

All I can do is nod my head as he helps me stand up. He folds a towel over my arms, tells me to cross them and then we head for the medical room. It is just down the hall, and I suspect that it’s no coincidence that it’s placed so close to the patient rooms. 

Luckily we don’t pass anyone in the hallway, and I think I’m in the clear. 

I lay on the medical chair as Johnny administrates the local anesthesia. It feels like something is stinging underneath my skin, until it all goes numb. 

“I didn’t know you were allowed to stitch people up here?” 

Conversation is a desperate attempt at distraction for me, but I’m grateful that he goes along with it anyway. 

“Yeah, it’s just me and a few others who have the training though.” 

He says as he methodically works his way through the routine I have witnessed too many times. 

“How did you get the training, was it hard?” 

Johnny is one of the very few who don’t use the rolling chair as he preps everything, but he has left it by the side of my reclined seat. 

“Well, the military is pretty hard most would say, but as I learned things got easier, and when it’s all about saving a brother in arms, I suddenly just knew how to apply the things we had learned as recruits.” 

This I kind of saw coming, but not the medic part. His burly build and calm exterior always reminded me of my father, who was a tank driver. 

“My dad was in the armed forces, he died there too.” 

Johnny turns around and rolls the tray with the needle and thread over. He then sits down on the chair and threads the needle as he talks. 

“I’m sorry to hear, when did this happen?” 

The weird thing is that this conversation doesn’t feel forced, even though this is something I hate talking about. 

“I was like ten I think? So about ten years ago.” 

Johnny nods, and it feels like he knows what he knows what I’m talking about. I realise that he has probably read it in my file, but it doesn’t bother me as much as it should, after all he knows how it is. 

We continue to talk about all of this while he stitches me up. When he finishes up he suggests to me to take a nap to which I agree. Johnny puts on some huge medical bandages and follows me back to my room, which has been cleaned. I suspect Johnny sent a message to someone. 

———

I’m woken up by aching in my arm and a cursed knocking on my door. Linda walks in before i can even say “come in”. I couldn’t have even if I wanted to. My throat feels dry as Linda sits down beside me. 

“Come on, get up! it’s time for breakfast.” 

And it’s so typical her, to not ask me how I’m doing, no sympathy. And for the first time in a while I don’t feel so choked. Perhaps for the wrong reasons, but the feeling of being treated like a normal person, no matter what I did yesterday.. it sort of feels good actually.

However, I’m not gonna let her know that so I just silently nod while sitting up in the bed. 

When I come down to the kitchen everybody is already there, except for one person. Judging by the chair that pushed back from the table, Michael has already left. 

As people sit and chat I go over to the counter and start making myself a cup of tea. Tea making and drinking is a part of being inpatient no one told me about, although I suppose it’s different for everyone. It has just become a thing I do everyday several times. 

With my sweater pawed hands holding the tea cup, I’m sitting here listening to the other patients talk, smiling at the appropriate moments and sometimes laughing a bit. And in contrast to the last couple of weeks, it doesn’t feel entirely forced. 

———

It’s late in the evening, I have walked past the porch and over to the edge of the garden, behind a tree. It shields from the view of the windows of the house and I’ve never actually been here. But it looks peaceful so I sit down at the base of the tree and overlook the city. I still can’t believe I agreed to this. Being so far away from all that I knew physically hasn’t changed me mentally, no matter how much mum wishes it did. She calls sometimes, but I feel like I would have to lie to her every time so i don’t answer at all. I know she still gets weekly reports when she calls the office lady, even though I never quite figured out where she has her office. 

“Hey there.” 

I look up and I’m met with emerald green eyes, hidden behind a pair of glasses I’ve never seen Michael wear. He doesn’t ask permission or anything before he sits down. I suppose he doesn’t have too either. 

“Hey, I can leave if you want some time alone or something.” 

The words fall out of my mouth before I have the time or sense to think them through, and sooner than I expected I’m standing up. Until I’m not anymore. My hands are firmly planted in the ground behind my back, upper body bent and ready to get up, when I feel his calloused palm holding onto my wrist. It’s too close, I know it is. And again, I act too quickly. This time by pulling my hand towards myself, thereby sitting back down. 

“Please stay. Unless you don’t want to of course.” 

And it hurts. God it hurts to just hear the hurt and resignation in his voice. 

“No no, I’ll stay.”

For the first time that evening I really, really take a good look at him. He looks tired, more so that usual. With a beanie covering his messy hair, dark circles under his eyes, and a beard that hasn’t been shaved in a couple of days. 

“I have a feeling we have a lot to talk about.” 

Michael sighs, and I know he dreads the conversation by the way his fingers immediately go to the strings of his hoodie, fiddling with them incessantly, when I tell him. 

“Yeah, I suppose I owe you an explanation.” 

He is still looking at his hands, as if searching for answers. 

“You don’t owe me anything Michael, but I will take an explanation if you want to tell me?” 

Again he sighs, probably debating how much he should tell me.

“Well, this is gonna be messy, but I just want to try to explain this so you can better understand why I act  the way I do.” 

Michael pulls his legs up to his chest and puts his hand on his knee. For the first time in a long long while I seek contact first. I put my hand on his and give it what I hope is an encouraging squeeze. Before I wrap my arms around myself again. 

“You know as well as I do that treatment at this place isn’t for the poor, or even the middle class, it is kind of  stupid really, how they leave treatment for those well off, fucking ridiculous.” 

Carefully I speak his name and he looks at me. 

“Right, sorry. My dad is a really successful businessman, and we were always well off, but I think it came with its consequences. As I grew up, I was surrounded by all these rich bastards who were always looking for a deal, and I was a part of the picture perfect family. Except we weren’t.”

He looks away from his hands and up at the sky, I follow his gaze and see a few tiny little stars. A shadow flickers in the corner of my eyes, and I know it’s not real, and it gives me a little sting of fear anyways. 

“I mean, sure we had everything we could ever ask for, except maye love. My mum and dad were constantly fighting behind closed doors and I grew up listening to them. She started doing more business meetings further away from me and my father, and I was so angry with my father for driving her away. So I started distancing myself, I can’t have been older than eighteen.”

I shuffle a little closer to Michael, feeling his warmth through his hoodie. Hoping it comforts him, but also that the shadow won’t see me. 

“When you started…” 

I’m not sure how much I can say to Michael without him getting angry, so I let the ending of the sentence hang in the air for a while. 

“When I started drinking. It didn’t really start as an issue where I consciously went looking for solace in alcohol, but as I partied more and more, and found some sort of relief in it, i actively sought it out. I don’t remember a lot of the last couple of years, except for headaches and bottles. I also had shitty friends who kept pushing me to drink more.” 

My heart truly aches for him. But at the same time, I know I couldn’t have helped him anyway. Maybe I can’t help him now either, but I can be here for him. And I intend to do so. 

“It ended when I came home one night and my dad was home for once.  A magazine was spread out on the kitchen table with me on the front page. It wasn’t pretty. He was so ashamed of me, said some pretty ugly stuff. As did I, cause what he said really hurt. I came here to be a forced inpatient. But after a few weeks, after horrible abstinences, and a solid few rounds around my own head, I accepted where I was and decided to be better, by doing better.” 

Just as I’m about to say something the grip on my shoulder tightens, and I flinch a little. He doesn’t seem to notice though. 

“That’s why, when you so easily saw through me, I was scared you too would be angry and ashamed, so I found it better to just shut you out. I made a really big mistake, some of my old friends stopped by with a bottle of something awful. I mean after shutting you out, nothing felt right and for a second I thought drinking would help, it didn’t. And the day after, when I found you in the hallway. I regretted it so badly, and I just want you to know, that nothing of this is your fault. I hope you can see that. ” 

Finally he looks at me, and I can see his eyes, searching mine for an answer. 

“I’m not angry or ashamed, I’m proud actually. For as much as it counts for, I’m proud of you for being able to push through this and for having the guts to talk to me about it.” 

He takes a hold of my hand and intertwine our fingers. I don’t notice at first, and when I do it is too late. My sleeve has slid down on my arm and exposed the bandage covering it. 

“Riley, you didn’t have this a couple of days ago..”

Michael lets the sentence hang in the air as I try to find the right words. He looks so sad. 

“You do not owe me an explanation. Just so we’re clear on that, but know that I’m here for you.” 

I nod and squeeze his hand, before pulling to me to study the bandage. It should be changed soon. 

“You know, you reminded me of my ex-” 

His expression says it all, he really doesn’t like where this is going.

“when i first came here. You have the same eyes, almost at least. Yours are a lot warmer, kinder. And you easily read people, respect their limits. David didn’t. He was always pushing for me to be perfect and well, it sounds a lot like your parents. In the end, when my schizofrenia got too much and I attempted suicide, I didn’t fit into his world anymore, and he left me alone in the hospital. Mum came by after a couple of days later, after her trip to wherever with her new husband. He works as a contractor or some shit, so he is paying for this.”

The frustration I feel as I explain this, I don’t know how to put it into words. However, Michael seems to understand. 

“I harm myself because the voices tell me to. And it gives me some sort of twisted peace. I don’t know how to explain it.”

Michael shuffles closer to me, so we sit arm to arm, and I lean my head on his shoulder. For the first time in a long while I really like the world is a little safer. 

“Wanna make a deal?” 

I ask as I sit there. Hoping he will agree. 

“Depends on the deal.” 

“Well, I was just thinking, maybe if we promise to each other that we won’t hurt ourselves if the other person promises to do the same, that we can come to each other when we need to be distracted. This doesn’t mean like it’s our responsibility bu-” 

Before I can finish my sentence Michael cuts me off. 

“Yeah, I’d like that a lot.” 

As cheesy as it sounds, I swear, I can hear a smile in his voice. 

 “Also, another thing. Wanna join group tomorrow? It’s a great way to be there for others, and maybe let them get to know you a little differently.”

TAGLIST: @burncrashbromance​  @moonchildsblack​  @5-secondsofcolor​  @harry-hallows-eve  @min-amani​ 

(i have probably spelt some of these wrong, so shoot me an ask and I will correct it:))

[survivingthejungle]

soft; jerome x reader

ive never written anything this fluffy in my god damn life... hopefully its not a complete flop? idk

You hadn’t committed a crime.

Regardless of whatever conclusion the jury had come to, you would always maintain that you hadn’t committed a crime. Because, what crime is there in justice?

One of the men who had tried to assault you had just been a little too lazy with his knife, and in a moment of instinctual self-defence, you had pushed it back in on himself.

Unfortunately for you, the other man—the one who hadn’t been stabbed—had managed to pay off the jury to convict you of first degree murder, and the only way you would avoid going to straight-up prison would be taking the insanity plea.

You fought it—oh, how you fought it, tooth-and-nail— but in the end, you and your family didn’t have the resources, and the corrupt rich of Gotham once again won the day. The playout of your hearing had caused outrage throughout the city, and no one believed that you deserved to go to an asylum, but the public backlash surrounding your conviction still was not enough to get the decision overturned.

Some of the staff at Arkham were sympathetic to your case and did all they could to treat you like the normal girl you were, not like one of the truly mentally-ill patients who were there for good reason. Of course, not every staff member was this accommodating— Dr. Strange had been wanting to use you as an guinea pig for a while now. The only thing keeping him from doing so was your family’s constant visits and the fact that he couldn’t be sure that the nurses and guards who knew you and your story wouldn’t rebel against him.

About a month into your incarceration— one down, two to go— there was a change in atmosphere. An unusual burst of activity came about one morning; while you were in your cell, brushing your teeth and washing your face, a handful of guards all stormed past, seemingly guiding someone along with them. You peeked out of the small window on your door, but couldn’t see much aside from the guards and a quick flash of a tuft of bright red hair.

-

To ensure that your safety was never compromised and that all of the staff knew you were no real threat, it had been decided within the Asylum that you were not to wear the same black-and-white striped garments as all of the other inmates. Instead, you had been given a handful of simple, white cotton slips, and you had been allowed to bring some of your own sweaters, shoes, and socks from home. You had been allowed your own pajamas from home, so you decided to bring two pairs of basketball shots, two t-shirts, and a big sweatshirt to sleep in. In addition, yo also brought a handful of your favorite scrunchies and hair clips, and a notebook and pen to keep track of your thoughts and write letters while you were away. To say you stood out like a sore thumb would be an understatement; you didn’t look exactly like an inmate, you certainly didn’t look like staff, and you didn’t look like a normal teenage girl either. You just looked different, and you were okay with that. You were content just keeping to yourself, minding your own business, writing and reading when you had the opportunity, and getting the hell out of this asylum.

Until recently. A new inmate had recently been admitted; around your age, tall, vivid red hair, an unnerving laugh, and arrested on a count of matricide. When they brought him in, he was strapped up in a straight jacket and being wheeled around. He caught sight of you in the rec room and winked, and you, being caught in a trance-like daze, had simply lifted your hand and waved with a straight face. It didn’t help that he was an objectively attractive guy; if you had seen him anywhere outside of an asylum, you probably would’ve heart-eyed him with your friends. But you were in an asylum, the both of you, so you decided to maintain your earlier resolve of keeping to yourself and not interacting with anyone else.

-

The next day, you saw him come into the rec room. You were sitting in an old, worn-out bean bag reading one of the old hand-me-down books from a shelf in the corner. It was Madame Bovary, a title you’d heard repeated many times but never really looked into until now. You were halfway through and so engrossed with the tragic story that you didn’t notice a presence seat itself beside you until you heard a voice speaking.

“Hi gorgeous, I’m Jerome.” It was the redhead from yesterday, grinning at you.

“Hi. That’s not my name,” you responded, pulling your eyes away from him and back to your book.

“Well then, by all means, spill! What can I call you?” His voice was deep but had a childlike lilt, like everything he said was purposefully over-theatrical. He placed his chin on his fist, staring intently at you.

“My name is (Y/N). I don’t really wanna talk to anyone right now, so can you just leave me alone?”

“Jeez, just trying to be polite… Y’know, a girl could really use some friends in a place like this.”

“No, not really. I’m fine how I am. Thanks, though.”

He paused and looked at you quizzically as though he had just noticed something that he hadn’t before. “Hey, how come you don’t wear stripes like the rest of us, huh?”

“Because I’m not like the rest of you. I’m not supposed to be in here.”

“Ugh, believe me, babe, I tried that line too. Didn’t work. C’mon, what’d you do to get in here? Now I’m curious,” he prodded.

You were silent for a moment. Some people had no problem admitting that they had done something like that; in fact, some reveled in it. But you were not the kind of girl who could just openly declare that I killed a man. “...It was self defense.”

“Oh yeah,” he lightly scoffed, “Then how’d you end up here, and not scot-free out there?”

“This is Gotham,” you shot back, “There’s no justice in this city. If a rich man wants a girl locked up, she gets locked up. End of story.”

“Ain’t that the truth, sister.” He let out a sigh and leaned back, stretching his arms behind his head. “Tell me something, though,” he started, staring at you. “Are you being serious?”

“You tell me… I’m already in an asylum. If I was really guilty, I would’ve admitted it by now, right?”

“Huh.” He shook his head, looking away from you. “Huh. You got me there. Well… that sucks for you, doesn’t it?”

“You’re telling me; I’m the one wrongly incarcerated.”

“Hey! That’s perfect! So you really do need a friend in this place, otherwise all the rest of these crazies are gonna eat you up…” he got closer to you before continuing. “Y’know, it’s really not safe for you here if you’re the only sane person. I think we should be friends.”

“If it gets you off my case, then sure, I guess.” A grin lit up his face and he leaned back out of your personal space; he did not, however, show any signs of leaving you alone anytime soon. “Will you leave me alone now, please?” you asked.

“What kind of a friend would I be, leaving you alone out here to fend for yourself? Nah, see, these other guys in here, they’ll do bad things to a pretty girl if she’s all alone. I’m just looking out for you.”

You considered his words for a moment. Although no one had truly tried to harm you yet, you hadn’t been here long. And some of the creepier inmates had been staring you down recently, now that you thought about it… “I’m not gonna, like… talk to you, a lot. I just read a lot. And write. And draw, sometimes. But I’m not a big conversationalist. So if that’s what you wanted from me, you got the wrong girl.”

“Hey, that’s fine by me,” he responded. “You just sit there and look pretty till you get to go home. I’ll be your silent protector.”

Not very silent, you thought. “Why… why do you even wanna be my friend, then? If you’re not looking for someone to talk to… You just wanna ‘help me out’? You’re a wannabe serial killer, you don’t really seem like the kind of guy who tries to help a girl out of the goodness of his heart.”

“What can I say?” he asked you. “I can be unpredictable. And you seemed kinda… Sad. Lonely. I dunno. But a pretty, innocent girl locked up in here shouldn’t have to fend for herself. I may be bad, alright, but I’m not completely souless!” He snickered to himself. “Heh, get it? ‘Cause I’m a ginger.” You let out a soft, breathy laugh at that; one you couldn’t contain. “Hey,” he reached out and nudged your cheek, “There’s that smile. Go on, I’m sorry, read your book. I’ll just chill here… Hangin’ out.”

-

The asylum was particularly chilly today, so you slipped an oversized, washed-out pastel sweater over your dress, as well as a pair of mismatched thick socks. You slid into a pair of plain brown ankle boots with loose laces and clipped two red barrettes into your hair, a yellow scrunchie on your wrist. According to the little red antique clock in your cell, it was nearly eight A.M.— breakfast, which Jerome would always walk down to with you. He always delayed the guards as much as possible before passing your cell, so that you could be escorted down with him.

It had been about two weeks since your first encounter, and while you were initially wary of the prospect of being chummy with a convicted murderer, there was something about him that drew you in. Maybe it was how charming he could be, or how protective he acted of you or how he definitely wasn’t the most unattractive person you’d ever seen, but you weren’t as opposed as you used to be towards being his friend. You heard the sound of struggling increase as it got closer and closer to your door, and you knew it was Jerome come to “pick you up” for the day. You waited at your door, looking out the barred slot as the guards got closer and closer.

“Excuse me? Could I be taken down to breakfast as well?” you asked them, and one with a key ring unlocked your door and let you step outside into the hall.

“Mornin’, (Y/N).” It was Anthony, a guard that you felt you had a good standing with. He was always respectful to you because he had been keeping up with your trial while it was in the news, and he firmly believed that you had done nothing to end up in this place.

“Good morning. How are you?”

“I’m just well, thanks! Did you sleep alright?”

“Yeah, I did! Do you know what variation of gruel they’re feeding us today?” Jerome snorted at this. “Hey, Jerome. What’s up?”

“Oh, y’know, not much.”

“Sounds fun.”

-

Breakfast was, in fact, another variation of gruel. You had been given a choice between cinnamon and apple oatmeal, lazily slopped onto a tray before being shoved into your arms with a spoon.

You took a seat at an unoccupied table and began to eat and read— you were rereading Gatsby, now—until Jerome joined you.

“Hey, J,” you greeted him, not looking up from your book.

“Hey there, girlie,” he greets, nudging you when he sits down beside you.  “What’s the plan today?”

“They have me in group today. Something about having to ‘act like we’re making progress’,” you slightly mocked.

Jerome gasped. “Well, hey! Whadaya know? I’m in group today, too!” The possibility that you were not in the same group was slim to none; your proximity in age and the fact that both of your cells were on the same floor meant that in any group setting, you were bound to end up together.

“Have they put you in it before?” you wondered.

“Oh, yeah, once or twice,” he told you, taking another spoonful of oatmeal before continuing. “Don’t be nervous about it. All they do is sit you in a circle and give you pens and paper and have you talk about your feelings and why you killed people.” That was still a touchy subject. You’d never verbally say that you ‘killed’ a person; there was a difference between murder and self-defense, and there was absolutely no way in hell you’d ever be convinced they were the same. Jerome noticed a shift in your attitude. “Well, I mean, you never killed anyone. So I guess you won’t have to participate too much.”

“Yeah, I guess,” you agreed. A burly looking man the approached Jerome, eyeing you all the while.

“Jerome.” He looked up and rolled his eyes at the man.

“Can I help you with something, Greenwood?”

“Yeah. Just wondering when you’re gonna share your little lady friend with the rest of us.” He sat down opposite both of you. “She looks tasty.”

In shock, you couldn’t properly formulate a response to the man’s lewd comments, so while you sat there, eyes fixated on your oatmeal, Jerome took the liberty of speaking up on your behalf. “She’s off limits, pal. Don’t touch her,” he told him, grinning all the while. “Or I’ll flay you and feed you to the rats.”

“Oh, little J’s got himself a girlfriend now, huh? What, you gonna chop her up just like you chopped up your mommy?” Greenwood inched closer and closer to Jerome while taunting him, and your friend was getting visibly aggravated.

His fist clenched and he slammed it on the table. You put your hand over his forearm to draw his attention over to you instead. “Jerome. Stop,” you requested.

“What?” he asked you. “Why me? What about him?”

“Because I know you can be rational,” you told him, maintaining eye contact. “It’s not worth it. Don’t give him the reaction he wants.”

He let out a short breath and turned his attention back to Greenwood. “You know what? She’s right. You’re not worth my foot. Go back to playing with your little dolls, Greenwood,” he taunted, gesturing with his free hand. Greenwood snarled, but got up and walked away anyways. Jerome looked back to you. “Y’know, you’re starting to rub off on me. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be a goody two-shoes just like you!” he joked, snickering. You just rolled your eyes, the ghost of a soft smile on your face.

“Hey,” you warned, “Don’t start getting soft. That’s my thing,” you shot back.

“Yeah, I know,” he smirked at you, catching your hand—the one that was on his forearm—in his. “Jeez, (Y/N), why are you so cold?” he asked you. His hands were exponentially warmer than yours, and you appreciated the heat warming up your own.

“It’s the middle of January and I have terrible circulation. Plus, no one in this place cares enough to turn the heat up.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” he laughed. Then he was putting his head on top of yours, so you leaned your head onto his shoulder.

“What time is it?” You yawned. He told you that it was roughly eight-thirty. “Gross.” Jerome chuckled and gave a murmur of assent. He took his hand out of yours and put his arm around your shoulders instead.

“I’ll wake you up when they make us leave,” he assured you as you closed your eyes, thanking him. Then you were off to sleep again, catching up on all of the hours you had missed since you had been incarcerated. He grabbed your book off of the table and began reading it for himself. He kept one hand lightly trailing through your hand while the other was used to flip the pages until, at 9:20, the nurses came to inform the both of you that it was time for therapy.

-

If someone would’ve asked you what had been discussed in that session, you wouldn’t’ve had a clue. You sat next to your only friend in the place, of course, latching onto the only person you’d truly felt comfortable with since you’d been brought in. The two of you had passed notes back and forth the whole time, decorated with goofy little doodles and cartoons to entertain one another. When Jerome had cracked a joke to you following one of the other inmates’ comments, you could barely suppress your giggle, and you both had ended up making a bit of a scene.

“Jerome. (Y/N). Cut it out,” the therapist had reprimanded you. Jerome just gave her a nod, but you had verbally apologized and promised that it wouldn’t happen again.

A few seconds later, another note was passed onto your lap. SORRY FOR BEING A BAD INFLUENCE, it had read. You flipped it over to respond on the other side.

we balance each other out

like a negative and a positive

-

Two months later, and you were finally free to return to the rest of the world. You were overjoyed; you couldn’t wait to get back to your friends and family. You couldn’t wait to get back to school, something you never thought you’d say to yourself. You were also surprised at how well Jerome had responded when you’d told him that you were finally going home.

“You’ll write to me, right?” he asked you.

“Of course,” you verified.

“And visit?”

“I’ll try my damndest,” you promised.

He had seemed like he was making so much progress when you were around. At least, that’s what the nurses and therapists had all noted. For his own sake, they all secretly wished that you would keep coming back to help him out.

-

After another month, the whole city was erupted into chaos.

There had been some sort of gas leak at Arkham, followed by a breakout; your friend among the escapees. The next time you saw him had been on the T.V. in the midst of attempting to blow up a school bus full of cheerleaders from Gotham High.

You felt your heart break in your chest as you sat on your bed that morning watching the news. You’d really, truly let yourself believe that he wasn’t as bad of a person as the media had portrayed him, especially during his trial. You knew him firsthand! He was such a good friend to you, and was always watching your back. It was hard for you to believe that the boy who passed you notes in therapy and made you laugh all day was the same boy who had just kidnapped and murdered seven dock workers and attempted to blow up a bus full of cheerleaders the same age as him.

But, sadly, this was the reality that you lived in. I guess he really fooled me, huh, you thought to yourself.

Around noon that same day, while watching some documentary on Netflix and sending texts back and forth with one of your best friends, you heard a loud knocking outside of your window. “Holy shit!” you exclaimed, heart nearly leaping out of your chest. When your adrenaline rush finally slowed, you looked to see what had caused the noise, and—

“Holy shit!” Lo and behold; it was none other than Jerome Valeska. He grinned at you, waving emphatically.

“Open up, wouldya?” He spoke through the window. “Let’s catch up!”

You walked over to your windowsill but didn’t open the window, instead choosing to lock it. “Why should I let you into my house, Jerome? I’d be harboring a fugitive. That’s a crime. Just like kidnapping, murder, and arson,” you glared at him. “Why would you do that, J?” you asked, hurt evident in your eyes, even through the glass separating you.

“Let me in, (Y/N), I really wanna talk. You know I’d never hurt you.” You immediately believed him, having to consciously remind yourself that you might’ve been being led into a trap. That was, until he held up a fist and extended his pinky. “I pinky swear.” Damn, the boy knows I love me a good pinky swear. You gave up your resolve and cracked the window just enough to reach your own hand through, locking your fingers together before opening it the rest of the way.

“Okay. Talk,” you told him as he climbed through and stepped into your room. You took a seat on the edge of your bed, and he followed suit.

“This guy, Theo… he’s the one who broke us all out,” Jerome began to explain. “Kinda boring dude. But also kinda cool. He’s like the weird, rich uncle I never had,” he joked, making you crack a small smile. He smiled himself at that, nudging you playfully. “Anyways, he gives this whole speech about how we all have ‘vision’ and ‘talent’ and yada yada yada… So I know he gets me.

“Says he wants us to just go crazy, right? ‘Paint the town red’, other junk like that,” he continued. “The last guy who tried to leave, Sionis… He had him stabbed to death. Right in front of us all.” Your eyes shot up to his, shocked. “I can’t very well follow in his footsteps,” he told you.

“Oh, Jerome… That’s awful. I’m sorry.” You wrapped an arm around his side, implying that you’d mostly forgiven him for what he’d been doing recently. It’s not his fault, you reasoned, he’s scared for his life. “What if I call the cops so they can keep you safe from him? You don’t have to keep hurting people,” you offered.

“No, (Y/N), please don’t,” he begged. “They’ll just send me straight back to Arkham, I don’t wanna go back there, I hate that place—”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. I understand. I won’t call anyone. Be safe, though? I mean… try as much as you can to not hurt anyone if you can help it.”

“I will. You were right, y’know. About balancing each other out. I think we make a good pair,” he told you, a smile that looked genuine on his face.

“Best friends,” you offered back. Then you gave him a solid hug, burying your face in his chest.

And you’d never have seen it, but that genuine smile suddenly became cunning and devious once more.  Gotcha...

[lcving-ateez]

You’d never know ♡

Plot: Your best friend had always cared about you but after an especially hard day, while he wants to show that even more, an upset you wants nothing more than to be alone. A heated argument brings the two closer than you'd ever imagined.

Word count: 1,979

Extras!: The first half is a bit of a Snapchat AU and the second half is in normal paragraphs.

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞 sent a snap!

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: so you are ignoring me

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: it shows that you're opening my messages

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: seriously?

Me: Mingi leave me alone please

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: can I have an explanation as to why my best friend cried in the library

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: didn't come to two of her lectures

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: totally ignored me on our lunch break

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞 is typing...

Me: yeah I get it

Me: I'm sorry okay?

Me: I'm a horrible person, happy now?

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: oh shut up you know I didn't mean it like that

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: what's up with you?

Me: nothing

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: that works on school counselors and parents

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: not the boy you've known since the second grade

Me: well maybe it's no-ones business genius. Can you not just accept that???

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: right then, I'm sorry for caring?

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: But go ahead and tell Yoosung since apparently your boyfriend of like three months is more important

Me: he is the problem

Me: Gi he broke up with me

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: no

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: this had better be a joke

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: he did what????

Me: he broke up with me Mingi

Me: he said I wasn't good enough

Me: that he dated me because he wanted to make his ex jealous

Me: it worked and now...

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: Y/N

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: he is in no way allowed to talk to you like that wtf

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: he's nothing compared to you, do you even know how perfect you are

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞 is typing...

Me: you don't have to say anything to make me feel better

Me: Idk who I was, thinking someone so far out of my league would ever want me in the first place

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: dont you dare beat yourself up because that asshole doesn't know how to act

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: how did it happen?

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: I'm so so sorry

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: I should've asked you nicer, I should've known you were hurting and I shouldn't have spoke to you the way I did earlier

Me: well I asked why he didn't come outside when we went to pick him up this morning

Me: he told me he 'wouldn't be caught dead in that piece of shit car your dumb-ass Mingi ever so proudly drags around'

Me: and then I told him not to talk about you like that

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: what kind of guy has that little self respect?

Me: then he told me about the whole ex thing and said what losers we both are and

Me: I just feel so stupid

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: Don't?? You're the smartest funniest prettiest girl I know

Me: you're just saying that because you feel like you need to right now

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: why on earth would I 'need' to say anything?

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: Y/N I don't bullshit when it's serious like this

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: I knew he was no good

Me: are you really playing the I knew it card right now????

Me: also why wouldn't you tell me then?

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: uh because you were happy??

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: I didn't want to ruin that for you

Me: I'm so done with guys

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: bit dramatic don't you think?

Me: let's just not talk about him

Me: I just stopped crying

Me: one more tear and I'll die of dehydration

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: you deserve better you know?

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: your first boyfriend was meant to be special and perfect for you

Me: well jokes on you minki

Me: he wasn't 🥵

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: I'm serioussss :(  you deserve someone who suits you and makes you happy

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: cute height difference

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: knows your favorite foods

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: knows your favorite memes

Me: if only such a guy existed

Me: and no one like that would be interested in me lol

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: YOURE SO SLOW

Me: awe aren't you lovely? 😘

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: Y/N L/N I COULDN'T BE ANY BLUNTER

Me: I told you I'm stupid 🤷🏻‍♀️

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: eye-

Me: 🥰🥰🥰

Me: Mingiiiiiiiii did I offend youuuu?

Me: open my messages rat

Me: don't be sad 😔🤠

Me: Minmin I love youuuUU

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: Look outside dipshit

Me: am I gonna see a spooky clown 😱😱🤪

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: IM FREEZING THIS ISNT THE TIME TO BE MESSING AROUND

Me: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STANDING ON MY LAWN SONG?!?!?!?!

Princess minki 🧚🏻‍♀️💞: L/N LET ME IN THESE TROUSERS ARE PAPER THIN

      

     You turned off your phone and rushed down the stairs, quickly unlocking the door. Mingi's soft brown hair covered his eyes in a messy mop; evidence of him jumping out of bed to come see you. He rubbed his hands feverishly up and down his biceps in an attempt to generate warmth.

"Extra ass" you sighed, yanking him by the shoulder into your house. Once he was inside and you'd locked the door again, you turned to him angrily.

"Why are you here? Mingi I told you I’m over him. I’m fine”

"Bold of you to assume I'm here to talk about that jackass" He huffed walking right past you and into the kitchen, fully knowing you'd follow him. You stomped behind him waiting to see what he'd do next.

Mingi ran his hands through his fringe while he opened the fridge, scanning its shelves for something to drink. Although you were a lot less emotional than you were this morning; today had been a lot and you weren't in the mood to speak to anyone, not even your best friend.

"Can you leave? I'll see you at uni tomorrow" you whined as he picked out an apple juice box and pulled the straw from it, totally ignoring you in the process.

"I'm serious, I don't want to see anyone. My parents are out for a while and this is the only time I get alone" The boy shut the fridge door and turned to you, leaning on his forearms against the granite countertop. It was awkward when he looked at you, holding eye contact as he slipped the straw between his lips, staring down at you condescendingly.

His expression was an uncanny blend of amused and standoffish. His brows were perked up and his eyes were blank in a way that seemed to challenge you without saying a word.

Go ahead, get mad. I dare you

And oh boy, did that piss you off.

   "I'm sorry did I say you could come in and open my fridge?" you asked leaving a pause for him to answer while you organized your angry thoughts; you weren't actually that mad about him taking a single juice box, it was more like the straw that broke the camel's back. Mingi simply shook his head, just waiting for you to go off.

"Then can you maybe have a single ounce of respect and ask before you come over for once?! God, guys are all the same you're so- so selfish and rude! I said I wanted to be alone today and you couldn't respect that, you didn't even try to comfort me or talk like a normal person!" Your rant was cut short as loud slurps irritated your thought process. He was stood there crushing the small carton, squeezing every last drop into his mouth before tossing it into the bin to his left.

Your head felt like it would explode into a million little pieces right then and there. His cold nature had you right on the verge of breaking out into tears of fury.

"Are you really that childish? Knock it off right now, Mingi. I've had one of the worst days of my life and I just- I just need to let it pass right now. You're not helping by being such a fu-" your voice was breaking and tears were unknowingly streaming down your cheek, but a sudden action surprised you enough to bring them to a sudden halt.

Mingi hated seeing you so mad but he knew you needed to let it out somewhere, and if he had to be your vessel then so be it; When he saw you start crying though, everything single brain cell in his head thought of how he could fix this. And being the quick - totally irrational - thinker he is, all Mingi could think of was to kissing you.

And kiss you he did.

As soon as he pushed off the counter his hand found the back of your neck like a magnet to metal. His grip was strong enough to show you how desperate he was but gentle enough to show you he meant no harm. His lips connected to yours in the blink of an eye while his other arm found its way around your waist, holding your much smaller frame tightly against his.

His lips moved slowly against your own, the feeling of electricity rushed through your veins as you melted wholly into the kiss, feeling loved and warm for the first time today. His plump lips were colder than yours from being outside and tasted faintly of the drink he'd had moments earlier, as you moved your head to the side the fruity smell engulfed you.

You could definitely get used to this.

With his fingers running a final stroke through your hair, Mingi pulled away gently as if asking for permission to do so. You complied and took a step back breaking away from his warmth as you ached for more. A satisfied smile graced his face, you'd never know how long he'd been waiting to do that.

Your mind was blank and the room was dead silent for far too long as you stood there, trying to process what had happened and trying to calm the furious red shade consuming your cheeks. Mingi broke this silence by laughing after he licked his lips. It started as a light giggle but quickly turned into a painful wheeze.

"W-what?" You asked, quite frankly seeing that smile on his face brought one to your own, his laugh was contagious.

"For a sad girl, you’re still so extra. Are you really wearing cherry flavored lip balm?" He continued to laugh, licking the glossy remnants off of his lips; you could've sworn your heart had stopped.

"’Min, that's gross! You can't do that!"

"But it tastes good" he frowened like a lost puppy, suddenly all was forgiven

"What are you doing to me?" Your head was clouded with far too many emotions to work normally so you thought out loud, hoping he'd have an answer.

"Hopefully cheering you up a little?"

"Song Mingi stop it right now! Can you just not mess with me like this? If you like me you can say so just don't if you...don't" your words wouldn't have made sense to anyone sane, but Mingi wasn't anyone; and he sure as hell wasn't sane. Your mum had always told you that guys only want one thing and it stuck with you, but He wasn't like that; your whole being wanted to believe Mingi wasn't like that.

"I would never hurt you Y/N. I wouldn't kiss you like that if I didn't mean it" He didn't need you to ask what he meant, years of friendship meant he could read your expression like an open book.

"I really really like you Y/N. God it feels good to say that. So I've like, liked you this way since freshman year but you've always treated me like a little brother - even though I'm a billion times taller than you - and I didn't think you'd want to date me anyways" Mingi kept that childish glint in his eyes as his hand rubbed the nape of his neck, waiting with baited breath for you to say anything, anything at all.

"Well you know, you could've said something because I thought you had a thing for Yunho" You snickered walking over to trap him against the countertop, your arms either side of him.

"You- That's kinda fair though. Yunho is a fine piece of ass. But what do you say?"

And just like that the words you never thought you'd hear from your previous best-friend left his lips

"You gonna be my girlfriend, L/N?"

"I might just, Song”

Happy Mingi Day xx