#Idk if disorder is the right term or not but that’s what we’re going with

[i-may-be-an-emu]

it’s so annoying to forget the name of one of your disorders like um yeah somethings very wrong with me. What is it you ask? I’m. Well. I forgor

[paleode-ology]

god I need school to be over I hate it here literally growing so concerned for my health

[royalbilliards]

i would LOVE to hear your opinion on maruki's therapy bc i see a lot of ppl saying he sucked as a therapist and i've never seen one so i can't really say anything with certainty...... but idk, i want joker to have at least an okay therapist just because it's a nice touch. also i think it's more satisfying narratively when maruki is someone joker can lean on for support and get attached to, but then has to oppose because shitty actualization. idk. pathetic wet man makes me go brrrrrr

Welcome to the autism zone.

So a lot of my thoughts on maruki’s therapy comes from my own experiences with a therapist in the past (I’m trying to get a new one right now) but. A lot of what Maruki’s ‘confidant perks’ and what they’re called suggest he’s giving Joker treatment for anxiety and depression, which makes a lot of sense given the way he acts in public outside of the joker persona, and the situation he’s in at Shujin (being bullied, for lack of a better term because it’s 5 am and I just woke up, and ostracised due to Kamoshida spilling his criminal record).

Practices like mindfulness and wakefulness sound like bullshit when you first have to start them, mostly because of the names, but the practices themselves are grounding techniques, being able to be present in your body, aware of your surroundings, and not letting yourself spiral via panic or depression and stuff. Detox is a term for drug addiction and alcoholism rehab, they’re not exactly practices we know Joker needs help with, but they’re most likely preventative measures, so that he doesn’t go Down those paths BECAUSE of his situation, which honestly makes sense, depression, anxiety, bullying from peers and the rest of it, including his criminal record and the way Japan treats students with criminal records, it makes sense that Joker could have easily gone down those routes if he didn’t have his friends and the metaverse to blow off steam and have an outlet for his emotions that he isn’t allowed to have in his day to day life. Flow is also a form of therapy treatment for handling depression, and mostly focus’ on capturing moments of positive mental states and allowing yourself to be completely focused and involved in Enjoyable activities that make you happy.

Because all of these therapy treatments that we get named from his confidant perks are Real therapy treatments that both Work and are widely used to treat specific mental health problems (Depression, Anxiety and Self-worth) we get both an insight into how Joker is actually feeling about things outside of what he shows and how useful these techniques are in his actual day to day life, because he’s using them to handle stressful situations in the metaverse.

There’s also the fact that Before everything, and AFTER everything, Joker doesn’t seem to hold much animosity towards Maruki, yes Akechi does and he’s Totally allowed to hate him, but neither Yoshizawa or Joker do, when Yoshizawa is more than justified in being angry and frustrated with him. And it might just be due to the abysmal lack of characterisation Yoshizawa gets, but mostly she seems like she too, like Joker, WANTS to help him, because we know that Maruki himself struggles with Self-worth problems, delusions of grandeur, a messiah complex (in both definitions of the term) anxiety and depression (along with a few other spicier things I don’t feel like mentioning because I’d need to bring up the psa’s on how demonised disorders need to be treated with respect since no one can do that on the internet). But there doesn’t seem to Be animosity between the three of them. Mostly just worry about someone they both cared about, and trusted.

There’s also the fact that, Jokers interactions with Maruki do not End After you help him with his research, we’re just cut off from the interaction at that point, because Joker in canon is explaining to Sae other more important things, he probably doesn’t feel the need to tell her the confidential therapy treatment he’s receiving at school. Their interaction continues, we get a fade to black, so it’s obvious he is getting actual therapy treatment, but Maruki has probably picked up on Jokers earth shattering savior complex and is easing him into the idea of therapeutic treatment by having him assist in his research, so Joker is more inclined to accept the help, since it’s a Transaction to Joker. If Maruki had more time to be Jokers therapist, and I assume he would have at some point Offered to continue his work as Jokers therapist after his tenure at Shujin ending, he would have eventually been able to work on that with Joker, and weaned him off Needing to help people all the time, and viewing social interactions as a transactional thing.

Anyways, yeah, I don’t think Maruki is a bad therapist outside of the horrors, I think people just don’t think about it because it isn’t spoon fed to them in a social link interaction, which is where the assumption that he’s Only using Joker as a sounding board comes from. But what would I know I just did media studies and have a special interest in analysing media, SHRUG

[sunflwrsivk]

Splitting (in every sense of the word (sys wise and the other thing Iykyk) is fucking crazy and I get why the others don’t understand it.

They’re trying to come to terms with the fact that we have/might have bpd on top of everything else, understanding one of the symptoms in whole just isn’t at the top of their priority list when the idea of having this disorder adds to the desire to fucking leave this place.

I guess that’s the purpose of me tho right? To take the symptoms they don’t understand and can’t handle and deal with it for them? Yet another holder in our system, destined to suffer with what the collective can’t handle for the rest of my uncertain existence.

I get it. I’m not upset (at least for now) that I have to hold it and deal with it. I just wish the others weren’t so afraid of this disorder- or, any of our disorders really. I know they try to make everything seem light on a normal day because the way we struggle with these things isn’t exactly subject for small talk, but they have to face their fears and admit that this shit is scary. It’s the only way we’re gonna get past any of the barriers that are holding us back.

We’re beating anxiety. We’ve been able to make calls and talk to strangers for weeks now, shit we usually can’t fuckin’ do. Now we just need to tackle the other shit. Surely we can do that? Or at least try to?

Idk. My system is on a sea saw when it comes to our own mental health, but we do want to try. Episodes like these are just…bigger bumps than the last. Sometimes we just need to unplug from life and exist in our own bubble.

I don’t know if I’m gonna go back to talking just yet, because the thought of doing so still makes me feel like the world might end, but I can at least say that I feel less nothing and more something, at least a little more than before (I think).

I could very well be jinxing myself and we could plummet back to not coping at all and feeling like we need to bleed or be fucked to feel something, but yolo right?? I at least have this short moment of “maybe things won’t suck forever” and that’s all that matters in my opinion

- 💌

[softxsuki]

☾*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ

---VALENTINES DAY LETTER EVENT (CLOSED)

DEADLINE TO SEND A REQUEST: FEB 7 @11:59 EST

Welcome to the first Holiday Event I’ve ever created :D. Valentines Day is right around the corner and I know how lonely it can feel for some of us single people—sometimes we just need to hear that someone is out there thinking of us, loving us. SO, I introduce my Valentines Day Letter Event! The name is pretty self-explanatory, but you can request to receive a love letter from any of your favs! I believe love comes in all forms, so you can receive letters from a lover, friend, or family member, etc, but we’ll get more into that later!

Inspo for this event is from a request I received from @literaryobsession so thank you for the inspiration!

To begin, please read through my request rules PLEASE, but here a few basic rules to know before you request:

»REQUESTING RULES

Anyone can participate! Whether you follow me or not

Feel free to request as many times as you’d like

SFW only, no NSFW or smut pls—suggestive is okay!

Fem!Reader or Gn!Reader only

All requests will be written as letters (250 to 500 words, I might go over the word limit sometimes tho lol)

Only one character per request

No cheating (no character x reader cheating, but I don’t mind if reader had been cheated on by an outside party and maybe character consoles them, if that makes sense) or maybe there was a misunderstanding and the character is clearing their name through the letter! That’s also fine

Sensitive material is allowed so long as it’s for comfort (TW: depression/suicide/eating disorders, etc; stuff like that is fine)

Character x reader only, I don’t write for character x character

I don’t mind writing angst, but I’d prefer if all my writing had a happy ending 😭

»HOW TO REQUEST

Go to my ask box either as anon or not

Select your character (check here for the list of characters I write for) or scroll down to see the list on this post

State whether reader is Fem!Reader or Gn!Reader (if not stated I’ll just make them gender neutral)

State a pet name you’d like them to address you as (I’ll be using Y/N to keep things neutral, but if you’d love a specific pet name like; love, babe, baby, sweetie, honey, etc, then let me know! This is OPTIONAL)

What is your relationship status?: Is this a friend or family member writing to you (platonic) knowing you’re lonely, a crush confessing to you, a partner you just recently started dating, a blind date sending you a letter to tell you how much they enjoyed meeting you and how they wish to know more about you, long-term established relationship, friends with benefits (sfw pls) and he just realized his feelings for you etc—LET ME KNOW whatever it is

What’s the tone of letter?: Full on love letter saying all the things they love about you, comfort letter (specify comfort for what), proposal letter, adoration (not too lovey dovey, but still saying the things they appreciate or like about you) etc…

Select a genre/s (fluff, angst, comfort, modern AU, Soulmate AU, etc)

Location: Is he far from you and mailed this letter to you, do you guys live together, live separately, does he just sneak this letter to you while you’re sleeping or does he hand it to you while he gives you your other gifts? Idk, let me know!

Other info: Just tell me anything specific about you like your age(if you want) appearance/personality/hobbies—anything that you want me to know that might help me write your letter and make it a little more special for you would be great!

Give any specific details of what direction you’d like me to go in with your letter. Be as specific as possible—that would be really helpful :)

Example of how to request: “Hello! Could I request a letter for your Valentines Day Letter Event? I’d like one with Pro!Hero Bakugou with quirkless Fem!Reader please. I’d like if he called me ‘baby’ in the letter! We’re in an established relationship for a few years (maybe we were high school sweethearts and have been together ever since). Tone/Genre: adoration and angst to fluff (ish) where he apologizes for being grumpy and snapping at me the night before and goes in to express how much he cares for me without being too over the top (just subtle). Location: we live together, but he’s always out on hero duty so I hardly see him at home. He left the letter in he kitchen, hung up on the refrigerator and even made breakfast for me before he left and mentions that in the later too, saying to heat it up before I eat it! Other info: We’re both 22, I’m pretty reserved, but he brings me out of my shell and makes me feel very confident in my own skin and adores every part of me no matter how insecure I am about my body. I’m quirkless so I spend most of my time in our home just writing since I’m a writer, and watching animes and kdramas while waiting for him to come back home. Thank you!”

Of course your request doesn’t have to be that long (Ik on a PC/laptop, they limit the amount of words you can type in your request. If that happen, then you can send it in several parts with ‘1/3, 2/3, 3/3’ on each part that you send. Maybe put an emoji or something so I know they all belong to you. But YEAH a heavily detailed request like this example would be IDEAL. :D

All letters will be posted ON Feb 14th! So it gives you something to look forward to :D I’ll be writing them as they come, in advance. And in the meantime if I have time, then I’ll be writing and posting some of my pending regular requests.

The amount of requests I get will determine when I close the requests. If I get a flood of requests then I’ll close them a week before Valentine’s Day on Feb 7 by 11:59pm EST, just so I have time on the 13th to write some more letters and have everything ready by the 14th!

Below will be the list of characters I’ll be accepting requests for along with the MASTERLIST where I’ll be listing out the requests as I get them as well as linking them once I write them!

Thank you all if you participate! I can’t wait to start writing these. Send me an ask if you have any questions, comments or concerns :D

(expand for list of characters and masterlist)

WHO I’LL WRITE FOR

MHA: for the students, let me know if they’re proheros already or still students and if reader if a hero or quirkless

Bakugou

Todoroki

Midoriya

Kirishima

Kaminari

Shinsou

Dabi

Hawks

Amajiki

BTS: are they in BTS or just regular people?

Namjoon

Seokjin

Yoongi

Hoseok

Jimin

Taehyung

Jungkook

Jujutsu Kaisen

Gojo

Itadori

Megumi

Inumaki

Nanami

Sukuna

YOTD

Hak

Kija

Shin-ah

Jae-ha

Zeno

Obey Me!

Lucifer

Mammon

Levi

Satan

Asmo

Beel

Belphie

Solomon

Simeon

Diavolo

Barbatos

Mystic Messenger

Jumin

Zen

Yoosung

Saeyoung (707)

Haikyuu!!

Daichi

Sugawara

Nishinoya

Kageyama

Hinata

Kuroo

Kenma

Oikawa

Bokuto

Akaashi

Suna

Atsumu

Osamu

Tokyo Revengers

Manjiro (Mikey)

Mitsuya

Chifuyu

Baji

Draken

Demon Slayer: is reader also a demon slayer or just a civilian, etc?

Rengoku

Giyuu

Tengen

Tears of Themis

Luke

Artem

Vyn

Marius

Attack On Titan

Eren

Levi

Connie

Jean

Niccolo

MASTERLIST

»MHA: Bakugou’s Letter To His Future Wife

»HQ: Atsumu’s Domestic Letter To His Girlfriend

»HQ: Akaashi’s Comforting Letter To His Girlfriend

»MM: Saeyoung’s Love Confession Letter To His Roommate

»TR: Mikey’s Comforting Letter To His Girlfriend

»HQ: Kuroo’s Love Confession Letter To His Manager

»JJK: Sukuna’s Confession/Comforting Letter To His Soulmate

»OM: Diavolo’s Comforting Letter To His Girlfriend

»TOT: Vyn’s Confession Letter To His Friend

»MHA: Bakugou’s Surprise Letter To His Girlfriend

»MM: Saeyoung’s Confession Letter To His Friend

»MHA: Amajiki’s Confession Letter To His Friend

»HQ: Kuroo’s Love Letter To His Lover

»MHA: Kaminari’s Confession Letter To His Best Friend

»MHA: Bakugou’s Comforting/Apology Letter To His Girlfriend

»MHA: Bakugou’s Invitation Letter To His Girlfriend

»HQ: Nishinoya’s Confession Letter To Tanaka’s Younger Sibling

»AOT: Eren’s Comforting Letter To His Girlfriend

»HQ: Bokuto’s Love Letter To His Girlfriend (aka future wife ;))

»TOT: Vyn’s Fluffy Love Letter To His Girlfriend

»MHA: Bakugou’s Love/Comforting Letter To His Girlfriend

»YOTD: Jae-ha’s Love Letter To His Girlfriend

»MHA: Dabi’s Comforting Letter To His Friend Who’s Like A Sibling To Him

»HQ: Sugawara’s Pre-Wedding Vows To His Partner

»OM: Leviathan’s Valentines Day Letter To His S/O

»OM: Beelzebub’s Valentines Day Letter To His S/O

EVENT REQUESTS ARE CLOSED

Posted: 1/31/2022

Updated: 2/14/2022

[respect-the-fae]

Things that remind me of: Ares

Sorry it's been a few days, life has been kind of a bitch, but I'm back with a post for my patron, Ares! I love him so much! This is gonna be a long one, I'll warn you now.

Weaponry. All weaponry. Whether it be a sword, a bo staff, escrima sticks or even sharp words falling off a tongue and destroying what they are aimed at. All weapons of every nature are this and remind me of him.

Boxing. I box alot, it reminds me of him and helps me feel close to him. How warm I feel, the ache in my arms, the bruises that form across my hands, the sweat dripping down my forehead. It all feels like he's there guiding me, reminding me to keep my guard up, and to keep my thumb out of my fist so I don't shatter it.

Red candles.

Bloodied hands and bruises. The type you get when your sibling gets beat up by the bigger kids and you go to sort them out because as annoying as your little sibling is, no one (NO ONE) messes with them.

Pink gin. Trust me, pink gin might seem like a weird one, but I have seen my mate single handedly knock out 2 guys who were threatening a trans girl while on pink gin. Pink gin is the Elixir Of Protective Rage and no one can tell me otherwise. (Dw, the girl is safe and we walked her home. We got takeout on the way and i cried bc she gave me a chicken nugget. We're friends now.)

Hunger Games, Divergent, Maze Runner. All about destroying their awful governing systems and rising up. Very Ares.

Using dumbass as a term of affection. With the same amount of love that people usually use when calling someone sweetheart or darling.

BIG HERO 6.

The concept of egging someone's house.

Snakes.

Having long baths/showers to avoid dealing with your emotional issues. Idk, just screams him.

Loving your crush/lover/spouse so fucking much, genuinely wouldn't hesitate to kill for them if someone hurt them.

Courage, all types of courage. Speaking out about racism in a protest, leading a protest, telling your boss about the coworker that scares you and harassed you. Telling a teacher about your parents if they're abusive. Standing in front of a crowd and giving a speech. Attending rallies, going to Pride, telling your bigoted family to suck a dick when they're being rude about trans/coloured/gay people, posting that post you were debating to do or not, sending your script/novel/anthology/biography to your agent, selling your art. Loads more that my brain refuses to give me right now. They are all brave, courageous acts that Ares loves and is so proud of you for. He watches you swallow down the fear and he rewards you with that glow of good adrenaline afterwards. That's his way of sort of kissing you on the forehead and telling you he's proud.

Rescuing animals from shelters. Ares is definitely very passionate about Adopt Don't Shop.

The Enemies to Lovers trope in fanfic.

Comfort items. Items that make you feel put together and braver. Mine is my Angel (from Lilo and Stitch, the pink experiment, teddy bear I got to match the Stitch one my friend has), I barely ever let it go if I'm in the house.

Poppies.

Baseball bats. The game too, but mainly the bats.

Petty 'wars' with siblings or coworkers. Snatching lunches and snacks, leaving passive aggressive post it notes.

War. Conflict. Rage. Obviously. But also bravery. Courage. A thirst for justice.

Protection. Of all kinds.

Weighted blankets.

Podcasts. True crime, and fictional horror ones. The Magnus Archives reminds me of him, idk why. (FOR REAL THO, ITS SO FUCKING GOOD, GO LISTEN TO IT. I WOULD DIE FOR JON, ITS ON SPOTIFY.) (And YouTube too.)

Learning about your friend's special interests because they mentioned they don't feel able to talk about it for fear of annoying people. And damn if you're gonna let that happen, so you're up till 5am reading The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory so you can talk to them about it, and give them a safe space to info dump and share their thoughts and feelings.

Geese. Yes they are bastards. But they are feathery, beautiful bastards.

Saying "because fuck you, that's why."

The "WHAT THE FUCK IS UP KYLE" vine.

"Thanks for checking in, I'm still a piece of g a r b a g e."

Self esteem issues. Bad mental health. PTSD, anxiety, depression, BPD, eating disorders. They're all battles, and he is with you through all of them. By your side, holding your hand, rubbing your back. He feels your pain and he is helping you move past it. He is there to remind you that spite is a perfectly fucking good reason to get better, because people suck and you will show all the people who hurt you that you will not break. That you will get up, every single fucking time. And he is with you for every single step. If you believe nothing else, believe that Ares loves you.

Getting back up. Never backing down.

Teenage rebellion. Wild hair. Hair dye. Breaking into parks at night, exploring abandoned buildings.

Bumps in people's noses where it's been broken and not set properly.

Donald Duck. That duck is ready to fight all the time and I love him.

The movie 'Red'. Its so amazing. (Also watch that, it's on Netflix, at least on the UK one).

WWE.

That's it, my Ares one. I think I rambled a bit but I am very tired so forgive me. Lemme know what you think!!

I love Ares so much, I probably wouldn't have made it to this point if I didn't have him. He is my patron and he protected me when I felt alone.

Next I'm doing Aphrodite!

[danideservedbetter]

Alright so, here’s how things are gonna work.

First off, welcome to this side blog. Since it won’t be jolly fun fandom content and will be a little more personal I decided to separate my health and writing journey from my fandom stuff, although all my fandom content will still be linked on my main blog here.

(I write Izuocha/bnha content which isn’t super popular so if you’re not here for that then yeah, I don’t blame you. But if you are I have a link to our discord and community content pinned so def check it out if you’re interested.)

Secondly, you guys will hear details about stuff relating to my health like what kinds of things affect my disorder based on the tests some doctors are ordering, how I’m trying to improve my diet and activity, and routines and goals I’m attempting for myself. I am underweight, and that’s something I’m going to be talking a bit about, so if that’s triggering following this blog might not be the best thing for you. Details under the cut.

So, what kind of disorder do I have and why did I decide to make a health journey blog? My disorder is called idiopathic hypersomnia. Basically what that means is that when my disorder is acting up (based on factors like stress especially or my generalized anxiety rearing its ugly head) I have the capacity to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. My longest recorded uninterrupted “sleep-attack” was 26 hours long and ever since I caught Covid in January, my body had been slowly growing weaker to the point I was starting to develop atrophy. I’ve had this ten years and my neurologist suspects inactive cells from mononucleosis I caught at 14 was the cause, because other IH patients have linked their sleeping problems to a case of mono or have had it at some point in their lives.

This disease stole many years and many things I’ve looked forward to from me. I lost friends and experiences and failed so many college classes I had to drop out.

I’ve decided I’m taking them back.

It’s not going to be easy. Just as it took ten years to convince myself that my tiredness was something I chose to give into, it took several extra years and many fights with my family to convince them that I had a real actual neurological disorder and that I need help sometimes. My parents and grandmother finally understand that I have to finish college and find a very special boss willing to work around my erratic progress on projects, but the outsiders they married are not as convinced. My grandmother’s husband kicked me out of their house because he wants to be the center of attention and doesn’t like that some days I’m so weak that I needed my grandmother’s help, and my father’s wife thinks I’m a lazy and ungrateful leech who “gets anxiety just being around” me. Both told my father I’ll never be happy so why even bother with me, but my dad is actually striving to understand his own recently-diagnosed PTSD so while we still butt heads he’s understanding that I have to take things day by day because every tiny circumstance affects my disorder.

Now, why did I decide to air all this out? Well, being open about my disorder and how it affects me has helped at least two people that I know of find out that the tiredness they experience isn’t the typical “American work force exhaustion” they were trained to believe is normal. So if I can help even one more, I’ll gladly talk about what this entails and how I deal with it day to day. Another reason is that I’m also one of those big advocates who believes talking candidly about mental health destigmatizes it and sharing ideas can help us grow as people and maybe make it a little easier to deal with.

So now that you know a little bit about me and my disorder, here are my big goals for the next three months provided my university takes pity on me and actually lets me go back.

First up: create routines to train my body to get used to living a full day fully awake. This includes waking up at the same time and going to sleep at the same time. It means getting dressed and going out and doing things, even little things— which I’ll get to in a sec.

Second: I write. I have a novel in limbo and I write fanfics. Writing is a big part of who I am and I’ve written one thing this year, which for a whole six-month stretch is upsetting and disappointing. Today is my reset. In the next 569 days I want to to finish the six stories I have in limbo (except the larger one) and finally reach my goal of posting 200k words in a single year. I wont be hard on myself if I can’t accomplish this because honestly finishing anything in the chaos of my life is going to be a miracle but. There ya go.

Third: go back to freakin college. I don’t care what it takes. Sit down with every official, every lawyer, and every professor it takes to get me back enrolled in classes in the fall.

Fourth: I have several smaller things I have to do, short term goals, stuff like that. I’m gonna create a to do list each day of small tasks I want to get done and while some of these things will be part of my daily routine I am throwing in like one or two things a day that just need to be done. My writing goal will change daily and I’ll keep y’all updated on that with every post I make.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Dani! That’s so much!! Well, a few months ago I remembered hey!! I basically have a computer in my hand, why make it hard on myself. So I downloaded certain apps to help me out. This isn’t me saying “hey go subscribe to these apps because I said so” it’s just that through a lot of trial and error I’ve come to find that these certain apps work for me and I’ve yet to come across one that has the functionality of everything I need.

Tiimo — so this is an app I found developed by people with autism for people with autism to help them develop good habits and routines. It has preset daily schedules (things like morning routines or nightly routines or work routines) and an internal alarm to let you know when to move on to the next task. I myself have extremely low-level aspergers (to the point where my doctor won’t give me an official diagnosis because I didn’t want people think that *it’s* the reason I have issues with school), so moving from task to task can be difficult sometimes and I also deal with getting distracted. This widget also appears on my home screen so I know what I have to do at a glance. You can program in weekly and daily tasks to fully customize your schedule, which is fantastic for someone like me who wants to for example rotate chores. This is hopefully going to help me get my body in the habit of adjusting to routines and transitioning from one task to another, as well as getting important things done responsibly.

Promptly Journals — I’ve been told for a while that journaling is helpful mentally to kind of recenter yourself, so a bit ago I downloaded several journal apps to add to my morning routine. Now some will prefer more creatively free journals, but I prefer this one that gives me small prompts I can do in a short amount of time that just allows me to get my thoughts down. I can even add pictures at the bottom that go with the theme! I’m scared I’ll run out of prompts eventually lol but until then this app works very well for my needs.

Stretchingexercise — Now idk if it’s from lack of sleep from my disorder, the position I sleep in when I do sleep, all the physical labor I’ve had to do in the past couple weeks, my medicine, or w h a t but I suffer from body aches like no one would believe. I know stretching is supposed to help with that, so I downloaded this app to help me do non-demanding physical activity that wakes me up in the mornings and helps relieve pain so I don’t keep having to take pain relievers. This one has different plans for things like muscle tension, back pain, warm ups— and it also gives you rudimentary weight updates (I’m underweight lololol so we’re looking to fix that) or plan updates. It’s worked really well for me so far and gives you animations and descriptions of the workouts (some taken from yoga) as well as timed breaks and a narrated guide. It’s been pretty helpful in temporary relief and if nothing else gets my blood flowing in the mornings.

Widgetsmith Step counter — in addition to the stretching thing one thing my doctor and I discussed that helps with the sedentary lifestyle is simply walking. I’ve needed so bad to relieve my stamina and reverse the atrophy, and walks have been stellar for that. Now I live in the New Orleans area so humidity and heat force me to go at the crack of Dawn, but honestly my weenie dachshund Charlie really enjoys our time out so he goes with me! The CDC recommends 10,000 steps a day which seems like a lot and it is if you don’t get out much. But this gives me an excuse to get dressed and do the hygienic thing and help Charlie be healthy too, as well as give me time for brainstorming because we walk in a truly beautiful area. I’m sure everyone installed widgetsmith with the last iOS update (Apple users anyway) and while at first the step counter was just interesting I’ve since come to rely on it! We do our 5000 in the morning, which of course is half, and I find that other things I do throughout the day typically drive the counter higher. Anything leftover can easily be accomplished by an evening walk in our neighborhood. Now the caveat is that I have to remote have my phone in my pocket because I don’t own a watch or anything fancy lol, but honestly I need to keep it on me anyway so that serves as a good reminder.

Todoist — this one is my FAVORITE. Ever since I’ve decided that I have trouble keeping track of things I need to do and small stuff I need to keep in mind and appointments, etc, I decided to find a list app. This is the one I found that absolutely helps me for everything from my list of room supplies I need to buy, to my reading list, to general tasks I have coming up I need to complete. And its widget functionality keeps it right on my Home Screen! More organized individuals can just use tiimo, but I’m definitely not one of those individuals so this app is sorely needed and appreciated.

And of course, I know building habits the first few weeks is HARD. So for days my body doesn’t respond to my alarms, I have a checklist of the key things I have to do to keep my life as functional as possible.

So that’s that on that. I’m going to try to keep writing updates and my daily goals in a post in the morning, and reblog what I accomplished in the evening. It’s gonna be tough. But I’m thinking if I can start small I’ll be able to build my stamina enough to return to college and be successful when I do. I hope that anyone watching this journey draws some kind of meaning or inspiration from it. And you guys can even follow along if y’all want! Especially for writers or people trying to get healthier. I can’t promise what works for me will work for you (and honestly I expect things to change especially if I get accepted into college again) but hey, I figure it’s worth a shot.

I hope you guys enjoy watching this journey, if nothing else I hope it’s entertaining. And maybe it’ll be successful. I do know that I’m just gonna try for it, and hope it works out.

First daily update to follow

Xoxo

Dani

[wxldchxld]

Life Update/Vent

I’m not taking an official hiatus, I just wanted to kinda talk about where I’m at currently and what all has been going on in my life.

I’m having a really hard time keeping track of my threads currently. And while I know a lot of your responses will be like “use a thread tracker” or draft everything that’s just not... plausible atm. I don’t have the emotional spoons for that kind of task and it’s honestly really overwhelming, and even when I attempt to get people to tell me what threads we’re missing only about three people respond to me, which makes it even harder for me to get my shit together. And that’s not a blame thing, I just get really easily distracted and even looking for old threads can be next to impossible. Again, no one’s fault but my own, but it is where I’m at right now.

And I’m gonna put the rest of this under a cut. Just kind of telling y’all what is going on in my life and why writing is hard right now in case you’re interested or you’re thinking my lack of engagement is about a lack of desire to interact.

So I knew at the start of the summer I was going to go for some pretty intensive psychoanalytical testing. Over the years of working with autistic students, I noticed a lot of similar behavior patterns in myself. Issues with social interaction, sensory processing, emotional regulation, etc. After much reassurance from my therapist I agreed to go in for formal psychological testing. I came to her with my suspicions and got very lucky in scheduling.

Right out of the gate my summer was filled with anxiety about what was going to happen and how things would go at the intake, and then after the intake was done my anxiety ramped up about the testing. The testing was extremely emotionally taxing. It took hours and was very repetitive and just overall didn’t make me feel good about myself. I felt like every time they repeated a question about depression or anxiety that I was falling even deeper into the pit of self loathing. But I told myself that if these tests could help me get extended insurance coverage for therapy and some correct medication then all of it would be worth it. Well then before I even had the chance to recover from the experience of testing, I found myself getting extremely anxious about the results of the test and if I’d messed anything up. Not to mention during this time my family from out of town was here for nearly two weeks, and I had to do a hands on crisis management training (where I had to touch and be touched a LOT).

So honestly, while I haven’t being doing a lot from day to day this summer, emotionally I’ve had so much going on that if I’m not in near tears from anxiety I’ve gone completely numb and can’t get out of bed.

Today I got the results for my testing and I just have a lot of mixed feelings about it. I found out that the woman testing me (who I thought was just passing time on her phone ignoring me) was actually watching me the whole time and taking notes on me and while I think the report was meant to sound clinical there was some language in it that kind of feels untrue and dismissive. At one point it says I blame a lot of my issues on my parents. Which isn’t false, but it is weird language when I have years of documented treatment for chronic PTSD due to childhood abuse from those parents. 

They also took away my diagnosis for OCD and Idk how I’m going to wrap my head around that. I’ve had this diagnosis for years and I feel like it really accurately describes me and my experiences. And the clinician flat out told me that the tests strongly indicated toward obsessive compulsive disorder as well as obsessive compulsive personality disorder, but that she didn’t put that in her diagnosis because “I already had 4 diagnoses and adding any more was too many.” And not only does that kind of throw me for a loop in terms of where I stand but it also concerns me about the accuracy of my diagnoses if real results were discounted just because she didn’t want to go “overboard.” 

This is honestly a lot. I’ve gone from feeling pretty neutral about the information I’ve gotten, to being optimistic about it, and now to feeling kind of shitty about a few things after reading the full report myself and not just having it summarized. 

And I say all this possibly just because I have no one that I can really talk to about it and I need to get my thoughts down because it’ll be nearly a week before I get to a therapist, but I also need you guys to understand I’m just in a trash emotional space. I also found out that the people who preformed my testing don’t provide psychiatric care so I have to go through contacting more people, getting another intake with someone, and going through all of this before I potentially find any medication that could help relieve my stress. And to top it all off school starts back in a week.

So I’m very sorry on multiple levels. I’ve been a flaky communicator and dropped the ball on talking to several of the people I call friends on here. I’ve lost things. I’ve dropped threads. The only replies I can get to are the ones directly sitting on top of my draft pile because they’re the easiest ones to find/respond to. I hope you understand the problem is just with me and my very low tolerance for my every day life experience lmao. I appreciate those of you who are supportive of me, who talk to me and reach out and are patient. I haven’t left tumblr, I have no intention of leaving tumblr, and I love my threads and my partners very much. Life’s just hard folks. And I’m sorry.

[everything-laito]

(idk if this needs a TW: abuse, violence, memory loss. )

This might sound dunb but if i took a baseball bat and hit Laito as hard as i possibly can would it trigger something to make him act different? Or make him forget about himself/Yui and he’d bo longer be abusive?

It’s not a dumb question, because I do not believe there are such questions, so don’t worry about it! Although this did make me laugh because it so vividly reminded me of the “horny bonk” meme salfkdjgaslf it just fits Laito to a T lol

Never thought I’d pull on my STEM jeans completely up on this blog, but here we are, and I’m incredibly excited! 

klSFJklagsdf note that neither of my majors involve neurobiology/neuroscience but I do know a good chunk, let’s jump right in! Also, I’m assuming that Vampire brains are similar to human brains in this manner as well lol 

and as always, rant under the cut!

First of all, I’d say that being hit with a baseball bat to the head is a type of blunt force head trauma. This type of trauma can cause a concussion or a contusion. Concussion, as commonly known, is caused by shaking of the brain, while a contusion is a direct injury to the brain. A more severe case is a contrecoup, which is injury that occurs at the brain opposite of impact. 

Here are some symptoms of blunt force head trauma injuries (or traumatic brain injuries as a shorter term):  | Convulsion | Partial paralysis involving one or more limbs | lost of consciousness | personality changes or irritability | confusion | drops in blood pressure | diminished coordination | slurred speech | blurred vision | severe headache | vomiting | 

Here’s my source!

Apparently personality changes are common after a traumatic brain injury, and can even effect the brain long after it’s healed (neuroplasticity babyyyy). This is what this article says. Your personality doesn't change, it’s more of the moods are so overwhelming it feels like you’re a different person:

Many people suffer from social anxiety, irritability, anger, depression, feelings of overwhelm, general anxiety, mood swings, or emotional lability (teariness) after their injury. But make no mistake: While these symptoms can make it seem like you’re a different person now, your personality is intact. It’s just buried under the weight of symptoms that are so, so hard to handle.

Think of personality as a collection of traits, and your mood as your current state of being. Normally, our moods don’t last for weeks and months on end. But after a head injury, negative moods like sadness, anxiety, or irritation can drag on, making patients and their families mistake the emotional symptoms for personality changes.

Lmao, flashbacks to the whole American football controversy???? ooooooop! But no, it would not affect Laito’s personality in the case you are thinking about. It really would make that shit worse. I could go on about nature vs nurture and what personality really is, but ima just say this here:

The reason why Laito is abusive + has a facade is because it is his way of coping with emotional, psychological, and even physical trauma earlier in his life. He projects his situations and feelings onto others so he feels “better about himself” and to get “revenge” in a sense. 

So it’s not as simple as you think it might be. However, let’s take this a step further. If we were to change someone on a chemical and neurological level like this and do it the old fashioned way; aka not emotionally or mentally confronting these issues that could be solved but change the brain physically. 

I’m talking about lobotomy/leukotomy. 

If you don’t know, this is a type of neurosurgery that severs connections to the brain’s prefrontal cortex; aka the anterior frontal loves of the brain. This was common in Western medicine for about two years to “help” mental disorders. However a lot went wrong, and some people got more aggressive, patients developed seizures, emotional blunting, or just unable to mentally function. There’s a lot of unexpected and mixed consequences about it, basically it’s just: don’t mess with the brain.

If we’re talking about memory loss in general, or amnesia, can be caused by brain damage or disease. The hippocampus is commonly associated with memory (and memory loss) as well as the medial temporal lobe. A protein, RbAp48, is also associated with memory loss when it is deficient. Without me going off on genes n such (that actually happens to be related to my concentration for one of my majors) its basically like not having this protein = you’re unable to carry out the certain pathways and such in order to remember something. Deficiency in this protein usually means you have a damaged memory. 

Amnesia causes can usually be categorized into head trauma, traumatic events, or physical deficiencies (like hippocampus atrophy; which means that part just isn’t used). The type of amnesia associated with head trauma is usually anterograde amnesia (also its an effect of long term alcoholism so stay safe kids). It’s also associated with post-traumatic amnesia as well. Or just remove part of the hippocampus since we’re delving into the darker era of neurosurgery. But acute blunt force trauma to the head in the hippocampus region could make Laito lose his memory, but it definitely could result in other consequences that are unexpected or just “undesirable” 

TLDR: dont mess with the brain lol it’s the most important organ for a reason, your neurons can't repair themselves, shit’s permanent! 

DSLFKJ Strawberry, you probably did not expect this answer to be well, this. But welcome to everything-laito, where I will talk your ear off B) 

Hopefully you enjoyed though, despite it being balls to the wall LMAO! See ya later! -Corn

[autisticpride]

April 10th: How important is representation to you? Is the representation that is out there generally good or bad? What is your favorite piece of representation? What you like to see more of in autism representation? What would you like to see less of?

representation is really important to us and we’ll end up going on a couple long rants about some of our favorites (under the cut) because we can, it’ll be real messy because theres at least 3 of us talking and im just about positive that people were blurry when writing shit out so sorry about that but that’s just how it is

for us, representation enables us to see people like us in stories. the other thing for us, not specific to autistic representation, is just that we tend to enjoy more diverse stories more? maybe we’ve just had good luck but we’ve found that stories with characters who are members of marginalized groups (whether the story itself is diverse or not) tend to be better written. maybe it’s because we generally prioritize ownvoices works, idk.

so first i wanted to take a look at some numbers regarding autistic characters we’re familiar with (yes we know there are more, we just have a focus on books in our brain) and we started with books & comics and got some interesting numbers that we weren’t expecting! we haven’t read all these books yet so there are some gaps in the information.

of the 10 characters (from 8 books and 1 webcomic):

5 are female, 4 are male, and 1 is nonbinary.  2 are black, 2 are white, 1 is mixed (surinamese/dutch), 1 is mixed (vietnamese/irish), 1 is mixed (fictional races). 9 (possibly all 10) are main characters 6 are over 21, 2 are under 12 (9 and 11), 1 is 16, 1 is 18 3 are straight, 3 are gay/lesbian, 1 is bi.

I think that’s very cool actually! we would like to see more trans autistic characters (the only trans character out of the 10 seems to be the 1 nonbinary character) for sure, and more explicitly canon autistic characters in general. i’d like to see less “autism representation” that isn’t actually canon (even though we do love some of the characters, if you have to go find an interview with a producer where they say probably in order to find out the character’s autistic, it’s not canon).

now time for our specialized little rambles!

so i’m going to start with another quick explanation of fictives again because it’s extremely relevant right now.

again, a system is multiple people in one body. individuals within a system are system members (there are many different terms, that’s what we prefer). fictives are system members who are/are based on/are versions of characters

i’m a fictive of danny becket from the webcomic sharp zero and honestly we all love sharp zero! it’s extra fun now because it’s one of the special interests we all share and it’s my source and i’m double autistic (system as a whole is autistic, and I was autistic to begin with) so i now have this intense special interest surrounding... myself??? anyway, sharp zero is great because

sharp zero doesn’t go “the autism one is pure and innocent <3″ sharp zero goes “the autism one drags a corpse through a magic portal to perform a ritual to resurrect him” and that’s pretty cool

also explicitly showing the use of stim toys!! tangle spotted

~Danny

I’m a fictive of Julian from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and I’m one of the favorite cases of representation for most of the system, which is very interesting for me. In the show, it’s a case of unnamed disorder, which my parents tried to ‘fix’ via genetic engineering. I specifically matter to the system because of one particular parallel.

When I was a child, my parents noticed me ‘falling behind’ and decided to ‘fix’ me, and then proceeded to hide that information from me. When I was 15, I found out what they’d done, and began going by a different name.

When the body was a child, we were going to a neurologist for other reasons, and the parents were told that we’re most likely autistic but to not get a diagnosis ‘unless it gets in the way’. They proceeded to hide that information from us. When we were 15, we found out about that. Around the same time, the old host came out as trans and began using a different name.

That parallel is very important to most of our system members, especially the old host.

Despite it never being stated that I’m autistic, and it being implied that my parents may have succeeded in their attempt to ‘fix’ me, it’s clear from my behaviour that they didn’t. Even if they had, it was clearly shown that what they did was illegal and wrong, and that it did direct harm to me. But every autistic person we’ve met who has watched DS9 has taken one look at me and said something along the lines of that man’s a whole autism.

I’m shown having clear interpersonal issues, including trouble with social cues and clear implications that I never had friends before arriving on DS9. My own parents thought a half-finished hologram with no personality who didn’t recognize them was me.

I think that kind of representation is important. The kind where things did go wrong, where there has been suffering and loneliness, and it takes time, but a support system does get found.

-Julian

k now y’all need someone who isn’t just sorta talkin about themself i think, who fuckin knew i’d be the one who was giving the general system-wide opinion

so, rep is really important to all of us, seeing people who’re like us. makes us all feel like someone might actually understand it and understand us

our favorite autistic rep is probably julian, which is real fun with him being here and all that. and i mean it’s actually fun and we all get each other. the way our system works, the way we have a mostly-shared memory, means that we all really get it, and all of us relate to julian a lot in one way or another

anyway, a while back we started lookin’ for books with autistic rep by autistic authors and the first one we found was on the edge of gone by corinne duyvis, and we’ll always have a soft spot for it cuz it’s really good and it was the first one we got

-trip

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #423

“i won’t think about you when i’m older  /  ‘cuz we never really had our closure”

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? Neither. Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? No. Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? My late grandmother's husband stayed overnight when he was driving from New York to Florida or the other way around, idr. How many long term relationships have you been in? Two. Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? My snake's heat lamp stays on. Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? My dad. Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I don't think I've even heard one of her songs. Do you know your blood type? A-. Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. Have you got your period at the moment? I haven't had my period since I started TMS. It's honestly so fucking frustrating that it obviously had an effect on my body, but not my depression. I've officially finished TMS as of a few days ago and now I just feel so void of hope. Have you ever been pregnant? No. How old were you when you first went on a plane? Idr, I was a little kid. Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Not me personally, but my parents have for my education that I threw away. Are both of your blood parents still in your life? Yes. I don't see my dad a lot, but he's still in my life regardless. When was the last time you went apple picking? I’ve never been. Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? Happiness. Have you ever been drunk at school or work? I have not. How many bedrooms are in your house? Three. Are you smart about computers? Not really, no. Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? Yes. My sister loved them, so we have a few. Do you own a Xbox 360? No. I'm a PlayStation girl. Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? No. I'd be mortified. So, do you need a nap? I really should take one. I slept like... maybe three hours last night. I was up most of the night having a fucking life crisis. What would you rather be doing? Something fun. What sport are you the best at? I haven't touched any sort of sport since I was a teenager. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Yeah, Nicole. Do you complain a lot? Kind of, but I generally try to keep it in surveys nowadays. I'm just tired of shit. Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? Ohhh, tough pick, but I've gotta say the ancient temple. Do you like fruity or minty gum? Both, really. Are you looking forward to any day of this month? Well July is practically over, so I'll answer for August. I'm looking forward to my nephew's birthday. Have you ever gotten detention? A few times for getting too many morning tardies in high school. Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? Definitely. Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? The latter. Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? Powerwolf did recently. Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I could write a college-length essay on why meerkats do not make good pets whatsoever. Do fucking not get one. I can barely fathom how it's legal in some countries. Ever cried so much you threw up? No, but I've gagged. Who is your best guy friend? Girt. What do you two do when you hang out? Mostly just watch TV and play board games. What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? I dunno, really. Do you even like horror movies? I love horror movies. Do you live in the country? I wish I still did. :/ Me and Mom hate hate hate living in these suburbs. What is your favorite accent? British. Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? No. Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? Coke. Pepsi is gross. What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? I was literally in the psych hospital for my 21st birthday lmao. It's kind of a painful memory, but I also won't forget the love and kindness people showed me. I especially remember the friend I made there getting the lunch lady to literally go and buy me a slice of cake. Everyone also sang happy birthday to me and gaaaah I'm getting emotional. Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? That was my dad's drink of choice when he drank. Do you take a lot of pictures? Unless I have my camera and am somewhere pretty, no. What kind of face wash do you use? Water, lol. Does drama always seem to follow you? Nah. Does anybody in your family race? No. Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom. How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” Uhhh... I want to say $2 or something? I might be way off, idr. How long do you want to live with your parents? I WISH I could have moved out with an s/o already, but that's just not how life's worked out. Do you have a laptop or desktop? I have a laptop. Do you like your parents? I love them. Do you secretly like someone? It's not a secret, no. Would you ever date your best male friend? Tried that once and it didn't work out. I liked him more as like a brother. What are you currently listening to? "Better Than Me" by Hinder. I really need to turn it off, but I can't make myself. Do you want to be single? I really wish I had a partner to love and motivate me to strive to do better, but I know it's better I'm single right now. I'd just relive the Jason situation, I'm sure. I'd just drag the person down and lose them. Did you go out or stay in last night? I'm almost always at my fucking house not doing shit, so. Have you pretended to like someone? No, that sounds pretty stupid... How is your heart lately? Hurting. A lot. Are you wearing socks? I hate wearing socks and I'm in bed anyway, so no. What do people call you? Britt, mostly. Do you get stressed out easily? VERY. Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? No. What is wrong with you right now? Where the hell to begin. Do you own something from Hot Topic? A lot. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? With someone, so long as the bed is big enough to comfortably fit two of us. Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No. I'm certain he wants nothing to do with me. Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Sadly. Did you get any compliments today? Definitely not. I look and feel like a wreck right about now. There's nothing to praise me about. Have you ever gone to a beach? Many times. What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? Unless it was an edible, no. I'd do almost anything to try and make me feel better right now, even if just for a little while, but I'm unwilling to smoke anything. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? HELL no. Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Honestly, no. Do you have long nails? No; I never do because I have an awful habit of picking at them. Do you like the gender you are? I don't like or dislike it, honestly. I'm just neutral. Do you generally look nice in photos? HA. Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? No. What colour are your father’s eyes? They're dark brown. If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? Ozzy, duh. Name three facts about your family? We're very, very spread out geographically, some of us (in other words, me) are emotionally distant, and uh... idk. Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? Only if it was a certain person, our lives were more on track, and we were making plans for either of us to move soon. What’s the most thoughtful present you’ve ever received? Probably this really long letter my mom wrote for me on my bday a couple years ago. What’s your favorite hot beverage? Hot chocolate. Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? I played the flute for many years, all through middle school and through much of high school. Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? Carve pumpkins, for sure. Do you think you’re important? I don't fucking know. Probably not. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Idk. Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? *hands over thick book* Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No. Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? No. My hands are way, way too shaky to ever accomplish that. Are you more of a leader or a follower? Definitely a follower, but I can step up in certain situations. What was the first thing you ate today? Well, I was seriously depression-eating last night, way past midnight, and had a peanut butter sandwich. If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? LET'S NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT RIGHT NOW. If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? "Falling apart." I've lost direction, motivation, strength, hope, just everything. What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? I need a fucking shower so bad that it's embarrassing. I just can't move. I have no energy, emotionally or physically. I just can't make myself do it. Is there anything that you wish you could take back? So, so badly. What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? Actually reaching goals. Losing weight. Healing my legs. Knowing with certainty that I wasn't emotionally abusive to Jason. Moving out of this town and back into the country. Financial stability. A job I thoroughly enjoy. I could go on, but let's not. If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? God, let me take back shit I said in that fucking letter to you-know-who. It's so hard to believe I once thought it perfectly justified and realistic. When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I don't have any plans of changing the style in the foreseeable future. I want to color it BADLY. To just SOMETHING. Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? I'm like, a lightning-fast typist. Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ No; my best friend in HS was, though. Her GPA was fucking insane. I was in the top percentile, though, so I was up there. What the hell happened to that girl. How many drugs are in your system? If we're including prescriptions, a whole hell of a lot. What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? Jack shit. Like usual. Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. Do you call anyone baby? Excluding my pets, no. What’s your current mood? lol if you've gotten this far reading, you can make an educated guess. Do you think you are a good person? Bro I just don't know. What were you doing before filling out this survey? I was playing WoW. How late did you stay up last night? Like, 4:30 or so. When was the last time you cried really hard? I wanna say like a week ago? Is your hair longer than your shoulders? No. It still badly needs a trim, though.

[fangroyal]

I was tagged by @skeptiquewrites! Thank you so much! 🖤🖤🖤

1. why did you choose your url?

Fangqueen has been my username on every other platform for...idk, probably like 12 years at this point. And most importantly, it’s the name I publish my fanfiction under on AO3, so I figured it was about time my Tumblr matched.

2. sideblogs?

I used to have blogs for rp characters I played......but yeah. We don’t talk about that. 😅 I’ve deleted them all since then anyway - except for one that was special to me. So no sideblogs, I just dump everything on here, haha! Unless you count my blogs for the fests I run, @rondracofest and @hpcrackficfest.

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

Ten years in September, babyyyyyy! 😂 Of course, I’ve changed my username a couple times over the years, but yeah, I’ve been on this crazy site for ten fucking years, wth.

4. do you have a queue tag?

I have to be honest, I either rb immediately, or schedule for a specific time later on. Literally didn’t even use my queue till I started doing fic recs, haha. So I guess I could technically say it’s #fangqueen recs fics, ‘cause those are the only posts I use it for.

5. why did you start your blog?

Honestly, it was so long ago, I have no idea, lol! Probably because other places I’d frequented prior to that time (and sometimes still do), like LJ/DW/IJ, Hex, etc., were kind of starting to die out, and I heard Tumblr was cool(??? 😂), so I decided to check it out.

6. why did you choose your icon?

This picrew is adorable, and actually looks pretty close to me in real life, haha! Plus it had flag/button options for both bisexual and bigender, and I couldn’t pass that up.

7. why did you choose your header?

I’m fangqueen. It’s fangs. That’s pretty much it, LOL.

8. post with most notes?

I honestly have no idea how you would even find out something like this. 😂 I looked on my activity page, but it’ll only let me go back as far as a month. So in the last month, my top post has been me talking about why I love Dron.

9. how many mutuals do you have?

Again, no clue where I’d find this info, but I’m sure quite a few!

10. how many followers do you have?

385

11. how many people do you follow?

354

12. ever made a shitpost?

Oh, probably have, although I can’t remember what it would’ve been now.

13. how often do you use Tumblr each day?

HA.

Okay, sorry, I’ll be serious. 😂😂😂 I work from home atm, and I have my personal computer up and running next to me as well the whole day, soooooo........A better question might be, how often do I not?

14. did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog?

I don’t think so, no. I don’t know if it’s ‘cause I’ve been a smaller blog most of the time, or because I just don’t normally get involved in that sort of thing, but nah. I’m also never afraid to block people, so maybe it’s that, haha.

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

As a person who’s suffered from anxiety disorder most of their life, I’m very much against those kinds of posts. I know what it feels like to be trapped between having a bad mental health day and not feeling like I have the ability to read/deal with whatever the post’s talking about, and also having a bad mental health day and feeling like I’d somehow be a bad person if I didn’t. I don’t think merely clicking the rb button on fucking Tumblr dot com automatically makes you a good/bad person, and I don’t think it’s right to play with people’s emotions and anxieties about such things just to spread your message. What you choose to put on your blog is up to you, and what you choose to devote your mental time and energy to is up to you. It’s always fine to say “this is important, but I don’t have the capacity to engage with it right now” and skip the rb.

16. do you like tag games?

I fucking LOVE them, I have to be honest with you, haha! I get so excited whenever I’m tagged in one.

17. do you like ask games?

Yes, I also really love ask games. I have no idea why, haha. They’re just really fun to me.

18. which of your tumblr friends/mutuals do you think is famous?

Oh shit...I also have no idea how I’d determine this, but I’m sure in terms of Drarry fandom, I’m probably mutuals with at least a couple famous people. 😅

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

Does my husband count? @digitalspecter 🤭😘. But for real, if we’re mutuals and we talk often, yes, guaranteed I likely have a huge friend-crush on you. Hope y’all know who you are! LOL! 💕

I’m gonna go ahead and tag @veelawings, @peachpety, @the-starryknight, and @digitalspecter - if you’ve already done it or don’t feel like it, no pressure whatsoever!

[phoebehalliwell]

AU Chris is Paige and Richard’s son. What would his power be? What about Chris’ relationships with his parents?

chris being paige and richard’s son would like totally explain why he’s Like That actually that would be a great au so once again i’m gonna bring up my conspiracy theory that richard was dosed with the blood of some greater being as a baby by his parents in the hopes of making some superwitch but as we all know from dr curtis williamson of astral monkey fame receiving the blood of someone more powerful than u can create some disastrous consequences, which i believe is exactly what we see with richard and his fucked up relationship to magic given richards advanced powers (namely conjuration) and also the fact that the montana family probably didn't want it to be obvious that they y'know experimented on their kid imma say richard was somehow infused with avatar blood, seeing as they were basically unknown beings until s7, so no one would really be able to id his powers. i also think that explains how we saw richard get so insanely powerful towards the end like in i dream of phoebe he was even able to manifest a teleportation power through conjuration bc as we learned, avatars draw their power from a collective, so i’m positing that having a relationship with paige especially like y'know it's physical there's an intense emotional element that we see she even lives with him so like. it's a Relationship™. yeah that whole relationship only added to his own powers as paige sorta became his collective (i don't think this takes away from paige's powers at all more like if you shine a flashlight into a mirror it bounces back that light it's not taking away any light from the flashlight it's simply using what it was given to create more if that makes sense like in the abstract we don’t need to talk the physics of how light is reflected think of this in vague terms) so uh yeah that’s what’s up i think if richard did not have avatar blood he would just be a normal telekinetic which is a power we see him display at various points at just sort of a normal level couple that with the fact that paige is also a telekinetic and i think it is very safe to say that their child would have telekinesis i think telekinesis is the brown eyes of the magical world the dominant gene in the punnett square or whatever 7th grade was a long time ago i also think they are bound to some sort of teleportation power as both paige and richard can teleport i’d love to see it me some hybrid between fading and orbing as they are the first witchlightvatar i feel like they should have something wholly unique to show for it for another active power projection is an option as it is very close to conjuration while simultaneously being a power in the warren line but i wouldn’t want to give chris the same power as wyatt tho seeing as chris is a family name from leo’s side it wouldn’t quite make sense whenever i write about a paige/richard child i always call them bennie named after richard’s father which i think still works as chris is also named after his paternal grandfather but yeah the point i was making is having bennie travel through time and like exist in like this juxtaposition with wyatt idk i feel like it’s not as fun if they have the same power set so maybe i’ll take richards conjuring and modify it to match paige’s past life and say conjuring the elements? the entire montana family line seems to have energy balls as a power so like . that could add to that theory maybe. like the evil enchantress could conjuring lightning i think the avatars also had lightning powers but i think that was purely a leo addition and an elder power and paige has no ties to an elder status so. idk. i sorta like the conjuring the elements power i do think richard is the firstborn of his generation and paige is technically sam’s firstborn so i think they both get Legacy Points there and then bennie would go on to be the first born in the montana line so i think that could justify very op power like conjuring the elements i think that they would inherit some of richard’s mania to some degree i mean as we know there is a genetic component to addiction and both paige and richard have suffered from it but i think since the foreign blood is a) diluted and b) in a host with a greater power capacity (as we know, witches get stronger with every generation and adding a charmed one into the mix is definitely an added boost) i don’t think those genes would manifest themselves in the way they did with like richards obsession with magic however i think substance abuse and also probably and anxiety disorder are very much on the table if we’re talking bennie replaces chris as the one to come from the dark future quite frankly this kid’s gonna be more that a little fucked up bc lord knows nothing stable ever happened there i also think they wouldn’t be nearly as good of a liar as chris as i think they’re gonna have ten times more impulsivity i also think they wouldn’t tip toe around the truth so much like i know chris is really anxious about like negatively impacting the future i do not think bennie would give nearly as much of a shit like the future already sucks that’s why i’m here so Sit Down bc i have some Very Bad News for y’all i think like within the first ten episodes of season six bennie would have already made it very obvious that wyatt goes full dark no stars due to something that’s about to happen i do think they would wanna keep it under wraps about their specific lineage bc like they’re here to change a whole lot of things but i think they’d still like to exist at the end of the day but i do think that phoebe would find out and the news would spread i think in the light future without an evil wyatt bennie would not end up remotely as fucked up as they also probz wouldn’t be an orphan which i imagine is really likely in their dark future i think richard would strip his magic and live as a mortal but still teach bennie what he knows about magic and potion making bc like. he’s well verse. there are also a lot of montana traditions and secret recipes i think he would want to pass down but like not for one second i think richard would regret stripping his powers i think he would be making a potion with his kid and just be like yeah i’m so glad i’m not actually magical anymore this is just like making weird soup i’m not getting weird vibes and strange jolts of magic and funny voice in my head there’s no pressure to get it right if it’ll work or not i’m just here throwing ingredients in a cauldron w my kid : ) i also think richard would get like hella into tai chi or something very focused on medicine and alternative healing styles oh richard like paige was definitely also a pothead in high school but the point is bennie would be like very well versed in meditation and what’s it called not aromatherapy but like. apothecary? herbaltherapy? plantohealing? you know that thing people are into like teas and herbs that fuckin uhh help with colds and stuff basically like the non magical properties of the world in fact i think they’d be the most knowledgeable out of anyone from gen2 on like nonmagical uses for things like there are mortal ways to solve problems that can work just fine and i think yeah bennie does know richard’s past and the issues with magic i think that that’s something that personally scares them not enough to like not practice but like enough that they don’t ever like use magic for unnecessary purposes like they will Not be telekinetically closing the manor door shut at the end of the season they will be closing the door like a normal person that type of thing. in regards to a relationship with paige i think in the trying to fix the future part of this au bennie would get really close to paige bc like again paige probably was murdered in the dark future but i don’t think bennie would be like chris like she’s just gonna die so why get close i think bennie would really utilized the time that they do have to just like. be with their mom. i think paige would definitely be freaked to like be a mom bc she’s like woah i’m not that old and like have a 22 year old call you mom like definitely ages you but like i do think paige would see a lot of herself in her kid especially as this version of bennie like grew up really without parents and like this that and the other they’d also really remind paige of the kids she saw at social services and i do think paige would be very like mom-y around her kid like i would not describe paige as a motherly woman i would never call her the mom friend but like around bennie she like goes full mom like cuts crusts off sandwiches and everything mode (piper and phoebe find it fucking hilarious)

[purplesurveys]

1072

survey by ccandacelove

Do you have sensitive skin? It actually kind of is. I bruise quite easily and my legs often end up itching badly if they’re exposed outside for too long, like it gets all warm and tingly; I have to keep slapping them to feel relief because scratching never helped.

Do you wear necklaces or earrings more? I don’t wear a lot of jewelry anymore, but if I had to start a collection of either of these I’d pick earrings.

Rings or bracelets? Bracelets. Never was crazy over rings.

Are you attracted to several guys at the moment? For the most part I don’t bat for that team, so nah.

Are you jealous of your best friend? Sometimes I will get just the teeniest bit of envy that Angela and Andi are both in committed, fulfilling relationships with healthy dynamics I never got to have with my own past relationship. But it happens just for a second and I’m always simply happy for them. I can’t envy them for being happy.

What year is it? It is 2021.

Are you egotistical? No.

Spring or autumn? I remember experiencing spring in Korea and that was sooo incredibly pleasant. But it wouldn’t be fair to pick it because I’ve never known what fall is like haha, so I guess neither.

Pasta or tacos? Right now, tacos. I like pasta too, but my parents make it all the time and I’m having leftover spaghetti from Yellow Cab literally right now, lol.

Water or soda? Water.

Irish accent or Aussie accent? Irish for me. I find the Australian accent hard to understand at times.

Do you consider yourself to be a bit gangster? Not for a second.

How many toilets are in your house? Two.

Do you have an older sister? Nope, I am the eldest sister in this home.

Do you have any ghetto friends? Idk, I wouldn’t call any of them that though?

Favorite song by Owl City? Vanilla Twilight has always been able to make me feel warm and peaceful.

What color is your mum's car? Both of our cars are white.

Do you live in an apartment? Nope, never have.

Is your attitude contagious? I wouldn’t say so. When it comes to setting the mood and things like that, I prefer that other people take the lead.

Cats are usually cuter than dogs right? Erm, I like dogs more but it doesn’t mean I don’t find cats cute. They are; I just wouldn’t seek them out.

Do you have a wallet? Yes. It was given by Gab, so I should probably buy a new one by now.

When is the last time you went to church? Physically, last March. But we watched a Christmas Eve mass livestream.

Where were you yesterday at 3pm? I was in my room working, but it was a slow day so I might have been looking for surveys to take then as well.

Is your favorite color green? It’s one of my least favorite colors.

Do you think black people are usually annoying? What an incredibly insensitive question.

Do you own purple socks? No.

Do you truly understand the (LDS) mormon religion? I am not too familiar with it since it’s not a common denomination here.

Do you think it's bullshit? I don’t have an opinion.

Where do you keep your kitty litter box? I don’t have my own, but a few months after Arlee passed away my sister gave away the litter box to her friend who got a kitten.

Are you part Scandinavian? Not a drop.

Did your aunt ever take you to the park back in the day? I don’t think any of my aunts took me out all by themselves when I was younger, actually. My mom was always around with an aunt/uncle to supervise.

Is your hair in a ponytail atm? Yes indeed. Low side ponytail.

Are you rude to little children? If they are being disrespectful then yes, I throw it back at them. I’m going to go ahead and say it, my youngest cousin (who also doubles as my godson) is poorly-raised and is ridiculously spoiled, whiny, and just a headache to be with for more than two minutes. During his birthday party last month he complained about guests who did not bring him gifts; and last week he was demanding my eldest cousin to get him a box of doughnuts. I’ve tried to be nice because he is my godson, but I’ve never met a kid so entitled; so both times I was unable to bite my tongue and told him to get his own gifts and to get his own doughnuts. Turns out I’m not ready to have kids just yet, lmfao.

Do you like Ethiopian food? I’ve not had a taste, but I’m very much interested.

Is your current crush younger than you? I don’t have a crush. 

Are you a lighter complexion than your father? No. He has the fairest skin in the family.

Do you know any white people who desperately want to be Black or Hispanic? Sure. On a more relatable note, I’ve also seen white people try to be Asian.

Do you like apricots? No.

Do you go to the beach every summer? Well, we used to. I don’t know when we can go back.

Ranch or barbeque sunflower seeds? I’ve never had sunflower seeds, but I generally like barbecue flavor more. I’ve seldom had any ranch or ranch-flavored stuff; it’s not commonplace here.

Do you know the first 5 books of the bible in order? I know what the collective term is (Pentateuch), but right now only Genesis, Exodus, and Numbers come to mind. It’s been ages since I last opened a Bible.

Are you eager to attend anything tomorrow? No events tomorrow, but I’m planning to buy my very belated Christmas gift for Andi so it’s very likely that I’ll find myself in a mall again tomorrow.

Have you ever bullshitted a whole test or exam? For sure. I mostly did this with my advanced math exams in high school, when I didn’t have it in me to care anymore.

Are banana chips delicious? I can see the appeal, but my dislike of fruits has always come first so I never enjoyed it much.

Do you have a pet fish? Not in over a decade.

Are you happy with your eye color? I don’t really have a choice; all Asians on this side of the continent have dark brown eyes lol.

Do you have more energy at night or mornings? Night, usually.

Can you meow like a kitten? I guess? Sometimes I’ll trick Cooper and let out a meow, and he barks out the window every time hahaha.

Is your mum beautiful? Sure, she’s pretty and looks young for her age.

Shrimp tacos or beef? Beef. I’ve never had shrimp tacos.

Soft shell or hard shell? Crab? Either works fine. I’ve had both and they taste the same lol, it’s just more work with hard shell.

Do you live on the East coast? I do not live on either coast, if we’re talking of the US. We don’t base our geography based on coasts and for the most part, it’s either you live in Manila or you’re from the province haha.

Do you like kinky sex? Not really.

What country were you born in? Philippines.

Solid soap bar or liquid body wash? Body wash.

Do you believe being gay is a choice or a "disorder"? It’s someone’s identity.

Crest or Colgate? Colgate.

[ecto-american]

I think Ember’s entire self would have fit really well as being a deceased Kpop idol. Not just in terms of who she is as a character and it giving her more depth and personality that already matches her canon, but also give great social commentary on how toxic the music industry, especially Korea's, can be.

More detail explaining this under the cut.

Firstly a disclaimer: I was an absolute Kpop weeb in my high school years. I knew all the bands and dances and stuff, and thus I was somewhat exposed to the culture of Kpop. Since then, I kind of have gone back and done some researched and watched documentaries and the like (because I am a big sociology nerd), but I'm not that deeply invested in Kpop anymore. But this is a thought I've had for a long time, ever since I first began to hear some of the problems surrounding Kpop idols and such.

I also want to point out that I am not saying that Ember within canon is a deceased Kpop star. She clearly isn't, and I'm not trying to make a case as to why she is given canon evidence. I'm writing this because I really like this interpretation a lot better than what canon gave us. In my own personal headcanons and worldbuilding and rewrite fanfiction, Ember is a deceased Kpop star.

We got that squared away? Coolio. Let's start.

Now that “preface” or whatever is out of the way, I really want to begin this by giving some background on Korean pop, specifically the industry and the culture surrounding it, for those who don't know. This is going to give some much needed and important context behind what I'm about to say about Ember. I will also be providing as many sources as I can to this section, but a lot of this is really easy to find on google as well.

In Korea, to be a pop star: you basically have to be perfect. In your dance, music, appearance, your entire image is now basically the property of your manager. Plastic surgery is a massive deal in South Korea, and it's partly due to this.

When you get your contact, you basically have to go through a bootcamp, which involves: Limited contact with family and friends, dropping any romantic relationships or behaviors that would be deemed unwholesome (many companies even go as far as forbidding relationships so that fans can better “see” themselves as being with the idol, which increases sales), brutal training schedules and everything you do is so heavily monitored by your bosses. This has lead to many Kpop idols (especially women) to be dangerously underweight or to have eating disorders, 15 hour training days day after day, being fired for being in a relationship outside of their company's approval/against contract. It's caused literal deaths and mental breakdowns.

Of course, America has the eating disorder problem too, and long work days. But please take in mind: management in Korea actively pushes for these eating disorders and are almost applauded publicly for keeping their stars thin, while in America, it becomes an absolute scandal. And yes, America has long work days too, but in comparison to Korea, American musicians basically only release a single or two in a year, and an album about every three years or so. On average. Kpop groups are pressured to release one or two albums every year on top of regular singles. If you youtube Korean pop shows, there's so many examples of stars collapsing on stage due to exhaustion and hunger. And most of the time, they're forced to get back up and continue, compared to America where they're normally “hey show over”. There are some Americans who will go through with it, but it's normally stars who are determined to finish in spite. It's not a push by your boss to finish or be fired and blacklisted from the industry.

Kpop idols are often broke as fuck, so there’s not even that as compensations. Many literally don't get most of the proceeds from their music. Their contracts are often compared to being slave contracts by stars. One Kpop star even said that she and her group had to split one meal whenever they were on tour because they were in such poverty. Oh, a rising group, right? NO. It was one of the biggest fucking Kpop girl groups of the time, Stellar! But even if they were a brand spanking new group, what the fuck.

And why don't they leave? Because they wanna be famous and make music. It’s just that unfortunately, it’s a very saturated industry because the agencies literally just crank out so many idol groups every single year, thus leading to absolutely brutal competition. People are regularly rotated out and replaced within groups. Idol groups are regularly formed or disbanded There's lots of weekly programs and music competitions to see who's the best of the best. You're constantly ranked. You're constantly fighting for the top spot. Lots of Kpop idols have to really fight to get their name remembered or known. The best of the best get reknown internationally.

Okay I'm done with the background now, lol. But you get the jist! The Kpop industry is fucking brutal and needs a good social change. Though now that I've laid out a lot of this, you can kind of get the sense as to where I'm going with this.

Based on every appearance Ember has in the show, we can deduce two things: She hates adults and wants to be remembered.

What are two major problems within Kpop industries? Adults controlling these really young adults (normally freshly 18) trying to break into the industry that's hard to make a truly lasting impression on, that's trying to be remembered.

Ember, if we take her canonical song and the background information provided by interviews, is meant to have died in a fire after being stood up. But I think that she would much better fit as a character who died from the intense social, physical and mental pressures of being a Kpop star. Perhaps a Kpop star that was left forgotten in the crowd of idols, whether it's dying in an accident or suicide.

It’s just me, but I really personally don’t like the canon that she died in a fire because of a boy. It’s just really weak imo, and idk. I don’t like backstories based around a romantic interest like that, especially when it’s so bland. Ember is a fucking dead musician and rock star within canon, and that’s the best you can come up with? She died in a damn fire after a boy stood her up? No mentions that she was into music or something?

Of course, she likely wasn’t famous she died. She likely rose to fame post her death, but that’s still just really? Kind of a headscratcher in a sense? Ember deserves more. The given backstory of her death is literally so? Random imo? Given who she is in death? Unless her entire thing is about how she changed so much in death for a guy, which is kinda Hmm for me. But that’s most of canon lmao.

I feel like this Kpop idol angle would have been a much stronger backstory potential for her. It could paint her as this really hardworking idol, this incredibly talented musician and vocalist who just couldn't make the cut. Maybe she got fired for loving another idol. Perhaps she just wasn't up to the brutal industry standards of being a Kpop idol. It’s a backstory that clearly incorporates her musical talents within her life, and kind of gives her death more of an impact, that gives her more character depth. Whether she’s a perfectionist because of this or has such strong self esteem issues due to the pressures she experienced in life. All of this motivating her to work solely towards her goal, or making her realize that she just really wants to have a more relaxed life and do things like date freely and enjoy the peace and privacy she now likely can have.

Ember's powers would fit really well with this Kpop backstory too She can hypnotize people. Besides Kpop kind of literally hypnotizing a lot of people, it could be shown as a legitimate skill of hers, or something she gained in death as she hoped that she could truly charm an audience into remembering her. She wants to be remembered within canon. No matter the cost or sacrifice. The same kind of sacrifice and price many Kpop idols are forced to make and pay.

It gives her stronger motivations other than just being famous for the sake of being famous or to possibly get that one boy’s attention (? It really depends on your personal take). She wants to be famous to prove herself to a company that worked her to literal death or that basically rejected her, or as a personal dream finally achieved. She now has the power to destroy the adults that likely exploited her as slave labor that maybe made her die in poverty or after being another abuse victim.

To me, it’d help pack a better emotional punch and reasoning as to why she does what she does. Fame has much more meaning to her, it’s personal, losing it again would devastate her. At the end of Fanning the Flames, can you imagine how hysterical she might be if the entire sequence was an unintentional repeat of the events that lead her to her death? Why she’s so specifically disgruntled against adults other than the typical “teenage rebellion” to the point of turning them into slaves in Pirate Radio (which is? fucking wack considering how much better it’d be to use something else). Turning them into slaves just like they would have done to her for years, especially since it’s on exercise equipment. It’d bring personal satisfaction to possibly watch them run or bike or work out until they literally collapse like she might have done before. Then forced back on and continue. Hell, you can even explain as to why she kept her relationship with Skulker an apparent secret: she’s used to have to hiding a boyfriend or risk losing everything.

I would have loved to see her being used as a good social commentary on that industry specifically, but also as a hot take for the abuse that just happens in general too much within the music (and many other fame based industries).

If we're going by canon show airing date, Ember would have popped up right around the time Kpop was really making it's mark on American culture. America got really into Kpop in the mid-2000s and, as you can tell by BTS's popularity, is still going really strong. There's even an entire Wikipedia page about it, the Korean Wave. Whether you want to “modernize” DP or keep it in it's canon air date roots, this would still be a relevant possibility no matter where you personally like DP to fall on the IRL timeline.

While many Kpop stars are in groups, given her possible circumstances, she likely broke off to be a solo artist. If you've ever seen Kpop idol fashion, they're also very colorful! Very fashionable and interesting, and it'd be really cool to see more of that kind of fashion for her. The dances are very good too, well choreographed, and it'd just lead to really interesting possibilities as to how she looks and behaves on her stage.

I dunno man, I just feel like this is a really cool take. My personal take tbh, and I just think more people should think about deceased Kpop idol Ember.

[light-of-being]

On the void (aka summary of like, 5-7 years of my life lmao)

Idk if this would apply to anyone else at all but regardless. If you, like me, have a side of you with an almost-irresistible pull towards nothingness -- finding existence itself ill-fitted, false or otherwise undesirable -- manifesting in hating the fact of a physical body, infinite passivity and the desire to do nothing ever, wanting to be silent forever because words are some sort of betrayal, explicit wish for disappearance, blend into the surroundings (them posts about lying down in the forest and have the plants grow over you), etc ...or if you feel like you’re already there, a little diffuse, not sure if you exist at all...I’d invite you to at least consider it.

Strong tw for suicide and disordered eating.

The problem (and failed solutions)

For a long time, I tried to realise that desire as much as possible. I did, literally, for weeks and months, stop eating, stop speaking, even for a brief period stop moving entirely. I guess my subconscious was playing along, erasing memory, identity, perception itself. I knew it was hurting me and not a sensible thing to do, but I couldn’t not. The ideal, of course, was death, and I tried to get that too, but at some point I was resigned to living but continued trying to make it as little alive as possible. (see also: that quote from Persona)

I expect we know, it’s Bad, but it’s also the only thing that feels right, feels pure and true. Also feels...inevitable.

I spent years trying to eat normally again, because I “knew” it wasn’t working for me. And it was, like, stupid. I was endlessly frustrated because really, I know better than that, and this doesn’t need to be so hard. But if I’m being honest, I really didn’t want to. I kept hoping and trying for a way to sneak past myself and my life and find a way to still stay true to that...need. And every time I slipped, it felt like I’d found my way back where I belonged. Back with my heart, the void. Home. Where things are a little less wrong.

They talk a lot about the whole “control” thing, and I guess yeah, in a way it’s that. It’s rejection of all that’s been placed upon you, just one big “No” to living a life that’s not on your terms, that you never asked for. No, to life itself. Because none of it feels true to you and you’d rather have nothing than betray yourself. And at some point, you’d rather have nothing than...anything. It feels like passivity -- for a long time, I was like, “without influence, nothingness is the default state. doing anything is an active decision. sustaining life is an active decision. i’m just letting things be in their natural state.” But if you pay attention for a single second, it’s nothing like that. It’s stubborn af. It’s the strongest assertion you’ll ever make. (also, lol, being stationary and nothing is not the natural state of jackshit, at least not for a long time. the heat death of the universe is far away, folks. it’s precisely staying the same that requires resistance)

The thing that led to my first halfway-successful “recovery” attempt (grudgingly, still, not some magic transformation)...wasn’t any good reason that life is good and void is harmful. It was -- “what I desire is literally not a thing I can ever have”. However much I may believe it to be the ultimate good, it’s impossible. And insofar as I’m not actually there, I’m no happier for trying to approximate it. “Slightly pure” is not a thing. It’s just as miserable. It’s futile. All I do is hate myself for every way I fall short.

How does starving myself proceed, how does it end? Not even in death, not usually (I would probably have considered that okay, good even). If I “succeed” enough, it probably ends in a hospital room, being force-fed. And after that? Well, I can just go back to how it was, and have that life on repeat and maybe die somewhere along the way (or just have them not release me again). Or I can try to stop at that stage. Which I guess gives me a little while longer that I can keep up my shit before then, but like. Is that really any good? (my brain still often says yes, but let’s be real. if we can avoid the hospital that’s probably a thing we want)

That’s pragmatic thinking, though; it’s considering things within the frameworks of the world rather than keeping oneself outside of them, and void-self hates that (and I’m 99% sure that anyone who sufficiently strongly related to the previous shit in the present would’ve scoffed at that last paragraph. although some part of you probably also hated to admit it’s true. unless you’re still deep inside, in which case you probably still think you can sneak past it. spoiler alert: you can’t). And I’m sorry, void-self, I know you’d rather have literally anything else, but that is where the universe has placed you, and life isn’t easy enough to let you cop out of anything it gives you.

Void-life is more than just dysfunctional and harmful, it’s completely unsustainable and futile. You’re never going to get there. You’ll just become progressively more miserable. And you can cover your head with a blanket and try to pretend that’s not true while you keep trying, but I know that deep down, you know this. And you hate it and it hurts, and you want to run away from this, too, but...tough. Soz. There’s probably few things you hate so much as, “That’s just the way it is” and you probably just hate the world that much more for not even letting you have this. one. thing. And yeah, fuck the world. Or fuck you. End of the day, you’re probably right -- you weren’t made for each other.

So what now?

I mean, you can die. That’s always a thing you can do. And the first time I really thought this through, I was 100% ready to die rather than deal with it. But it wasn’t the void death from earlier up in this post. It was the anxiety/escapist death from the previous paragraph -- “ohmygod ohmygod I can’t accept this I’m out”. Which, personally, doesn’t generally translate into action, just extreme discomfort and running around like a trapped mouse, wanting to throw myself against the wall (unless it lasts long enough without finding an out of some sort, that it becomes standard depressive hopelessness).

Stage # the next one went like, “well...I guess dying is a thing I’ll get eventually. as such, I could get it anytime I want! eh, what the hell, i can probably fuck around a little while.” Which works, until things become difficult to handle and it becomes, “now seems like a good time.” (after this, technically there was a stage of “killing myself would hurt this person i care about and i’m committed to not doing that...i can probably hang on through it” but that’s not really relevant so i’m sweeping past it.)

But let’s say, for whatever reason, dying is not the ideal option (look, you’re reading this. if you felt this, death was probably one of your first considerations. i expect there’s some reason, however ridiculous, you haven’t successfully gotten to it yet. most of the time, void-self isn’t the whole self and the rest of you still hopes there’s a better way you can satiate it).

Okay, one last thing that I’ve noted to be common in people with this kind of thing going on before I carry on: you have weak boundaries. It sometimes feels like the things placed upon you might seep in and subsume you, and although you seek nothingness, you don’t want to be that kind of nothing (like I said, secretly stubborn af. after all, part of your desire for nothingness involves wanting to be “not that” where that is fkin everything. see also: abjection).

A possible way forward

So here’s what’s been working quite well for me (so far. it might turn into a trainwreck at some point so eh...yeah. but it has been a long time). It boils down to the exist harder and/or assurance point. It also consists of behaving a bit weirdly like you’re [at least] two people.

The main thing is: like I said above, if you’re picking this direction, it’s probably not the void-self choosing it. There’s something else to you. So here’s the plan. You feed it. You strengthen it and let it grow as close to a full person as you can. At first, this looks almost entirely like fighting against void-self and forcing yourself into the world no matter how much it complains. This is really fkin difficult and terrifying to do, and you should use any tools or support you can. This person has been hiding all this time; they’re weak and scared and don’t know how to life. But as they get stronger and develop more of a voice, it becomes easier.

Whatever fragment of this person you start out with, you should be able to identify one (1) thing they consider important or want (don’t tell me there isn’t. that’s not true. it can be as fucking stupid as you like, but if there’s nothing get your depression treated first). Start with that. As you throw them out there more, you’ll probably find more things that they like. Explore many things, stuff you wouldn’t necessarily consider or would be scared of, but you’re curious about. But try as far as possible to make this very much yours. You don’t want to feel like you’re succumbing to some external pressure. You want to feel like you’re in power; that is literally the most important part -- any non-destructive things make you feel like that are great. Take your time. (A thing that’s vaguely useful is miscellaneous advice for people rebuilding themselves after a breakup or loss, because that’s what you’re doing: rebuilding yourself. For yourself this time. Not just for survival.)

Are we suppressing void-self, trying to kill it off? No. We’re just saying it no longer gets to govern our entire lives, because it’s no good at that. It has a place, a place that will probably bring you a lot of happiness, but its place is not controlling your external life. It’s internal.

What we’re doing is giving it a caretaker. We’re giving you the ability to carve out a space for yourself where you can comfortably exist and be a person, without dissolving. But for that you need boundaries, and you need to sustain life first.

More than that, though. The person you’re building will make space for void-self to exist. Void-self doesn’t do that for you. It’s selfish. It kills that person off. It wants to be everything. That’s not fair to the rest of you. And guess what? The rest of you is great, too! It has a lot of potential. It has capabilities void-self could never have dreamed of, that you would never have dreamed of while under the control of void-self. It can bring you a lot of happiness. It has the right to exist, to take up space in your life, too. It will surprise you. This person has the magical ability to exist in the world without being fake...yes, really.

And then, when they’re all grown up, they can protect void-self from being subsumed by everything pushed onto it because they have the strength and skills to navigate real life, to negotiate and place you in situations you want rather than where the wind blows it. And now? Now they can nourish void-self. You can go off on a trip and “disappear” for all intents and purposes. You can go and lie in a field for hours. You can read poetry and do all of the things that do feel authentic to void-self. It never has to pretend to be anything ever again. You can even learn how to really express it to others (something it’d love to do but lacks the ability for). But you can also go to work the next day and feed your organism.

Will void-self be entirely happy with this arrangement? Eh...not really, not when you propose it. You will definitely encounter resistence. But, in my experience, when you actually get there, it comes to peace.