#Idk I mostly do fine being mostly by myself
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#kinda lonely#and unfortunately in the way that internet friends can't really fix#husband has been really busy this week and not very social#bestie is in Scotland with her partner until Oct 1st#one of my other friends has left me on read both times I've reached out since August#Idk I mostly do fine being mostly by myself#but when the few people IRL that I talk to get busy with other things#I definitely feel the absence#gonna try not to get too fixated on it#should really work today anyway
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five stages of grief but it’s five stages of social anxiety
#walk with me#this morning i got a bouquet delivered to me at work randomly out of nowhere#the note basically said that i could count of the person even if for just some words of advice or a gesture that could make me laugh or mad#count on the person**#i immediately knew it’s from one of my coworkers and ngl i have a very charged?? relationship with them#in the sense that it’s very intense and we can be laughing joking and teasing or we can be really angry and pissed with each other#it can have very extreme emotions even if we just chill most of the time#idk why i think this whole year i’ve been leaning on them more?? and we started texting more often too#so we’ve been more properly friends lately#and for one i was SO EMBARRASSED for getting flowers bc my coworkers tease the shit out of everyone myself included and i’m not used to#gestures like that so obviously they were on my ass all day about it#and everyone asked about them and it’s EMBARRASSING to get that much attention#(me: i wanna be a singer / also me: can’t stand to be the center of attention)#anyway the person that sent them avoided me yesterday out of nowhere??? idk if they thought i was mad bc i didn’t reply to their texts all#weekend but i literally never reply to anyone and pms was a bitch and i just wanted to be alone#so they didn’t talk to me on monday i was mostly just working listening to music bc i was still emotional whatever#and today i did talk to my other coworkers bc it’s the day when my favorite coworker comes in and i talk to them a lot so i engaged more#and they were still ignoring me and then the flowers came in and we didn’t say a single word to each other today we just texted#they told me they sent them and that ‘they forgot’ what they sent and that it was just meant to be a nice gesture#and that bc they wanted to ‘surprise’ me and make me feel better bc i said i was sad at one point?? idek#i literally just want to tell them I HAD PMS ITS FINE I FEEL SUICIDAL ALL THE TIME and move on#bc now i’m second guessing everything they’re saying bc i thought we were friends and there’s no reason why friends can’t send each other#flowers or whatever but they’ve been avoiding me and then they keep answering my texts really weirdly and i always misinterpret flirting bc#i’m never outright romantic with anyone?? plus we’re FRIENDS i should have no reason to think that’s changed#but they’re being so weird and why get me FLOWERS??? idk get me a chocolate or a coffee i don’t NEED flowers#and then i said it was random to give me flowers out of nowhere and they’re like no it’s serious bro what’s serious??????#your feelings towards me?? or just your will to cheer me up???#if they don’t reply straight up in their next texts i’m gonna flat out say but it was a platonic gesture right???#so yeah i’m overthink getting flowers bc what’s the social code for that and what is one supposed to do when they get flowers from a friend#delivered to their joint workplace where everyone can see them and think they’re from a partner or something
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well. apparently I did something bad yesterday because I woke up with very very very bad pain in my shoulder/arm/upper back. I guess it's sore muscles but I don't know from what. 🙃
#didn't do anything unusual yesterday. mostly sat around. also drove 30 minutes but that was fine. painted a while. stuff like that#I just wish sore muscles (or whatever it is) didn't feel so absolutely fucking horrible#it feels like my arm is being ripped off. it feels like it's on fire. it's genuinely like an 8 or more on the pain scale#it's SO BAD.#and I remember that it did not used to feel like that. the first time it happened I was like 20.#that was... awful.#and since then it keeps happening#anyway idk I just feel like that isn't normal???#it's not something I've heard other (healthy) people describe?#like it's not. oh yeah I exercised too much and now my arm is sore. I remember what that felt like. no it's like being tortured#or maybe I am just a big baby. it's probably that.#I'm trying to distract myself by watching stuff but the pain is so bad that I can't focus on anything#I've taken painkillers. hopefully they'll work soon. it hurts so bad.#personal
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🔍 how to tell if your coworker is misogynistic or you're just really sensitive and maybe lame
#aaaaugh#it is so annoying being in this predicament#basically I got a leadership role at work but this 19 year old boy on my crew keeps inserting himself and taking charge#but like that's probably fine and okay it's just hard bc I'm like trying to develop those skills in myself but I worry he doesn't respect me#idk sometimes when were talking he'll argue with me about something I know is true bc I've done this job a lot longer!!! or like is bossy#idk it's weird it's not concrete it's mostly in my head but it's a tricky situation#trying to get myself to post more as an outlet bc I have stopped doing that as I have amassed like 10 irl connections here now but fuck it
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leaving for college tomorrow... it doesn't feel real at all :')
#am I excited. idk. mostly I feel terrified and confused.#I got together with a friend the other night and he straight-up asked 'do you *want* to go to college??' and I was like '....yeah. I think.#I mean I need to go.'#and that's all I've got right now tbh.#it's going to be ok. I keep having people tell me that. people keep telling me that I'm going to be fine.#that I have a history of making good choices and I should stop second-guessing myself and everything around me.#but isn't that pride? to believe you'll make it out alright? shouldn't you always be a little bit afraid?#but I'm sick to death of being afraid.#I've wondered around in fear for ever it feels like. I'm ready to grow up and get out of it.#I'm ready to live in the real world. the question is how.#gurt says stuff#personal#college survival
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need at least 1 person to be mentally ill with in the dms about my own writing perhaps then ill be able to publish something
#its sooooo pathetique but unfortunately being that im in a 2 year ongoing Rut i kind of uh. need the external stimuli here.#plus its nice to have someone to bounce ideas with & also just care in general yk. ive got whole fics that basically just happened bc i had#a conversation w someone who could 'yes and' with me for a bit#2019 was a good year for this for me personally#very productive i had so much fun#losing it sucked lmao i just dont feel as comfortable speaking my ideas anymore#i still think theyre good. i keep plotting things in my head but they never make it past the draft#IF we get to a concrete draft at all lbr#idk how to explain it. i enjoy what i make i find it interesting but sharing has kind of lost its shine.#a lot of the people i was hanging with then moved on which is what it is + i dont think we were as close as we were in my head anyway#but ive become way more conscious of dominating spaces#idk i just miss it. i feel like everything im doing is a solo project these days#its very lonely#easy to lose steam also when i dont have much energy to start with#but mostly just very lonely.#playing dolls with myself etc etc etc its fine when its voluntary but when its not.#well. its Not.#lol.
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I think one of the weirdest signs that I was trans was that I was fine with being called a woman but NOT a cis woman. I felt awful cuz I was like “do I have a problem with people calling me cis even tho I am???” cuz I am NOT someone who minds being called accurate descriptors such as cis. I felt like I just wanted to be special or something even tho that wasn’t it and felt so bad. Something just felt really wrong about being called a CIS woman. Definitely one of the more thought provoking signs I was trans lol
#was it cuz ‘cis’ implied I had accepted it? idk cuz I WAS fine with being a woman (as far as I knew)#just some weird subconscious thing I guess. I remember admitting it to my sister at the time lol#I don’t think there are rlly many other interesting signs for me tbh. except that I only corrected ppl online when they called me he if it#either went on so long that I felt bad for them OR we were arguing and I needed something new for them to be wrong about lmao#but similar to the actual post there is ONE thing I still find interesting. which is I watched a gacha cringe video (some were ridiculous#but I often defended them) and there were some where it said ‘I wish I was a boy so I could be gay’ and everyone’s like being disgusted by#this presumably little girl acting like she’s the creepiest fujoshi ever but LITERALLY I’ve had similar thoughts. anything that starts with#‘I wish I was a boy’ obviously has trans implications even if you don’t like what comes after it lol. but like honestly. I would imagine#myself in relationships with guys (mostly fictional characters as u do) and I just hated the idea that it was straight#like same situation as the post. I felt awful cuz I would be FINE with being straight (which I knew I wasn’t anyways) so why did I need to#be special or whatever? it’s cuz just like the post that WASNT the problem. it just felt wrong to me that I wasn’t a boy. so I BASICALLY#wanted to be a boy so I could be in a mlm relationship just like those gachas. it’s just a roundabout way of realizing ur trans.#to be clear I very much had to imagine myself as a guy (typically another fictional character DUH) in order to enjoy it at all#I just realized this sounds sexual. most of it wasn’t actually but the rest is my business LMAOO
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#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing#ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like#visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do#so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible#mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done#but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing#how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate#and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem#it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research#assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head#and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck#it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing?#i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads#to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood?#hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing?#idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed#bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me#so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a#slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would#b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh.#unrelated
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2 lovely enjoyable family phone calls today and I'm fresh outta Talking Juice :( but at least I have plenty of Posting Juice left :)
#ugh I'm so fried idk#i didn't even do That Much this weekend#AND i had an extra day off this week (mostly)#but but but i started new meds and had two dr appts...wait no 3 actually. luckily 2 were short zoom meetings#it's just a bummer cause i felt like i was doing Better but. i should not have let myself get my hopes up#like i would suddenly magically stop being disabled or whatever the fuck i am just bc I'm on new meds!!!#anyway it's ok i got done everything i needed to this weekend I'm Literally Fine#gonna go do very limited pt exercises and then either write or read depending on my brain!!
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What are your pronouns?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#no uhhh#so i'd say “any pronouns” because that's kind of the vibe#like i'm afab and a lesbian and mostly relatively fem presenting and i don't rlly identify as non-binary or trans#so mostly people use she/her and that's completely fine by me lol i am ambivalent#but also! i am just as ambivalent to being called he or they#like! you can use he/him or they/them! that's also totally fine with me!#BUT it's also not actually an “any pronouns” vibe because i know i don't want people to use anything other than she/he/they#i don't personally vibe with ze/zir etc for myself#BUT if i say my pronouns are she/he/they that makes it seem like i particularly want people to rotate them!#when i don't! i just really don't mind as long as it's one of those three lmao#.................yeah ok tl;dr my pronouns are she/he/they but i genuinely don't care which of those you use u don't have to rotate them#you can always use she that's fine by me idc#oh BUT i do prefer to be referred to with a mix of masculine and feminine terms just because it's fun#like. it doesn't make me dysphoric or anything to only get referred to with words like idk#girl/babe/ma'am/queen etc etc#like again. do not mind at all! but it's just more fun to also sometimes get man/bro/sir/king etc u know?#ask#darcey.txt
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I was on the wikipedia page for phobias just for fun but just discovered theres an actual word for a fear of being touched.. 🥹
#haphephobia.... and they list guts from berserk under pop culture references 😢😢😭😭 thats my guy....#not gonna lie i teared up a bit i didnt realise it 'counted' as an actual phobia#i find it really difficult to talk abt but i have a complicated relationship w touch/physical contact (likely trauma babeyy)#and while i do crave it a lot i also have a very physical reflexive fear response especially if its intentional + i dont expect it#which can sometimes even get triggered just being in proximity to ppl bc like. even the possibility sets me on fucking edge#it would be nice to be as physically affectionate as i naturally want to be without dealing w my fight/flight/freeze but alas#its weird bc there are some random situations where it doesnt get triggered at all but its so unpredictable every time#and varies wildly person to person for seemingly no reason. there r strangers im innately more comfortable with but also friends ive known#for years and will never be comfortable around. i think part of that depends on how strongly the other person communicates and whether-#i feel as if theyre demonstrably able to respect boundaries not just mine but their own too + understand theyre not always fixed#ideally i need to have had this conversation with them so i Know they understand. which is rly difficult i find it so hard to admit#and i have a complicated mental block where i need the other person to naturally bring it up which very very rarely ever happens#idk just an atmosphere of safety yknow. i think its intentional touch that specifically makes me panic bc im usually fine w like-#bustling crowds or even expected social rules like handshakes at interviews. bc its not like they're Trying To Touch Me its just rote idk#hopefully eventually ill reach a place where im able to unpack it and reduce its severity bc man sometimes its fucking heartbreaking to me#bc i do genuinely really like physical contact im an incredibly physical person its my main way of interacting w the world#and the way having to force myself to avoid it meshes w my rsd too augh.... its a clusterfuck#even just having one person im completely comfortable with. maaaaan.#almost makes me miss my ex. at least i was mostly cool around them#god its sucked lately ive been having weird vivid dreams related to it. but whatever its so far down my list of problems to prioritize#and at least i dont get it w my familys dog so i can cuddle her :^) i miss her i cant wait to see her next month :D#anywayyyy thats enough im so tired goodnight every1...#.diaries
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#on like strictly an ooc basis though i know i haven't been here in a while and randomly just popped on to shitpost#'cause laura's post made me laugh (ty! ily!)#but i'm still mostly over on my other blog. i've had a lot going on and like being with my soft girls right now#and also star wars hasn't really been sparking joy recently and it's been making this dash feel claustrophobic in a way idk how else#to really describe? like it's nothing to do with the actual people or characters on this dash it's more just that it's almost all star wars#if that makes any sense at all?#(which is probably stupid because no one really cares about the muses on my other blog so i'm only playing myself here lmao)#(but idc they make me happy and it's fine that they aren't popular)#but i also find that it can be kind of hard to branch out from star wars to get a wider range to rp with on siri#'cause it's mostly just modern type or crossover type verses#and that's been feeling Hard lately just because of the star wars stuff i just mentioned#but i do have a star wars related project with a friend that'll be...sometime upcoming? so i'm hoping that it will spark the joy again#but for now i'm mostly over on my other blog but since i follow a lot of the same people i sometimes see things and pop over here lol#anywhomst if you're at all interested in sigrid from the hobbit or susan pevensie from narnia (or breha who's also star wars)#(idk i'm not having the same problem with breha as siri probably because she's on the multi? anyway back to the point)#then feel free to go follow my other blog which is @viaminvenia but no pressure!! sigrid and susan don't have star wars verses#ily all you're all so talented and such good writers and just *chef kiss* all over the dash#ooc
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i hate that there isnt any way to work thru these feelings and i hate that theres no way for me to escape them properly and i am just supposed to survive all of this and sit with this terror and dread 24/7 and be fine !!!
#i do not have my last ditch coping mechanism tonight that I'd really loooove to have#I'll have it any other day mostly but just not today or tomorrow morning. argh. argh argh. argghhh#I should've just gotten high tonight idk i rly wish i could just be high constantly ngl fnfkdl#but that's exactly why i avoid it as much as i can bc i cannooooot get into self medicating w that when theres these genetics at play#family history of substance abuse and psychosis 👍 i hate being alive so much fhfkdl not going to lie rn#i am trying so hard to be normal all the time and not entirely lose my mind but goddamn this is truly not smth ppl should have to survive#other ppl have it much much worse i know and i am relatively lucky all things considered but jesus christ this is so much and im exhausted#i cannot just be screaming my head off constantly though so i am doing my best to be normal and fine and decent and appropriate#idk i just.... how do i get thru this when there is no end to it fjfkdl this is not Getting Through! its just Enduring!#im going to go have some semblance of food and then work on clay maybe and try not to lose my mind entirely#if i can keep myself from destroying a bunch of art tonight then i will consider tonight a success fhjfdkl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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do you ever just
#I’m kind of dying a little but it’s cool#I had an appointment with a psychiatrist today and I feel like I’m kind of regretting it 😖#I went in mostly concerned about my autism and adhd and prepared to talk about/deal with those#but then she ended up prescribing me lexapro for my anxiety#so I went and did a bunch of research on that but I’m kind of terrified of taking it#because it seems like a lot of people get nasty side effects especially at first#and like having anxiety isn’t fun but I can push through that even if I’m an anxious wreck about some things#but like my autism and adhd affect my life a lot more#like being totally overstimulated in public or not being able to hold my focus at all are a lot bigger deal to me#and I’m horrible at communicating with people especially in real time rather than over email or whatever#so I didn’t really properly get across my concerns and just sort of let her prescribe what she wanted#idk now I’m having doubts and I’ve never really taken meds before beyond otc stuff or like the odd strep prescription when I was younger#especially nothing that messes with your brain like this one does#plus I just really don’t do well with not feeling well or not feeling like myself so that kind of freaks me out#and I really should be sleeping rn but I just need to get this stuff off my chest I guess#it’s like things weren’t totally fine the way they were but they were *fine* you know#not changing things is just easier I guess#I just like to be prepared and researched and this psychiatrist took me off guard#I just don’t know what to do now#if anyone’s read this far- has anyone else with audhd taken lexapro for anxiety?#did it go okay?#im kind of scared of it now#😮💨 okay I really need to go to sleep now#anxiety#autism#Adhd#actually autistic#Vent post#i guess? It was really just in the tags
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#okay rant time lol. spoilers for 6x18#i think i will have to say that this may have been my least favourite of all 6b episodes#haha ik i should probably give myself time to process the episode but idk i'd rather just write everything out#i just. just yesterday i was complaining about some people treating 911 like it's the buck show and today... it was the buck show?#and like! an episode being extra focused on one character is absolutely fine!! great even!! i really enjoyed 6x11!!#but in the season finale you expect each character to get a more equitable amount of focus right?#and like. even 4x14 which had a significantly less focus on eddie than one might expect had the will scene#and maddie had a bit less focus in that episode too but even she quit her job and it was obvious she was Going Through Stuff#and these slightly restricted screentimes gave jumping off points for their respective very spectacular s5 arcs#but this episode? like it wasn't that it didn't focus on other characters but it was mostly buck#and... idk man it does make sense given that he had the longest running plotlines this season but also#i just wish we had focused more on other characters as well#and like? as for buck? the couch?#i'll be honest i'm disappointed they introduced romance this season for buck at all when the season began with him choosing to be single#i really thought he wouldn't date at all for this one season at least yk?#and yeah ik we live in an amatonormative world but cmooon a guy can have his happy ending without getting together with someone#also bucktalia feels a little odd to me rn especially given the number of false starts they had#if they'd done this exact same storyline but at the beginning of next season i'd probably love it... right now tho i'm very meh over it#as in there is potential but it's like... idk mannnn why do we need him to end up with someone at allllll... i'm too aro for this shit#starting something new this close to the end of the season instead of tying off the two arcs that were already ongoing for him#was certainly a choice#aah well. at least natalia seems good for him. she came back which is the most important thing buck would want in a partner right?#still tho. i really wish we'd gotten to know more about the new henren baby than we did#i wish we'd gotten to see madney discussing plans instead of just the exact moment where they decide they want to marry on the patio#i wish we'd gotten the entire conversation that lead up to chris hyping (or snarking at) eddie to call marisol#i wish we'd gotten bathena hurriedly packing for their trip and may making fun of them as she helps#i just wish we'd gotten more of others!!#oh well. at least we still got chimney time and captain hen and cheddie working together and hen and eddie leaning on each other#you win some you lose some i guess#anyways if you actually read all the way til down here thank you for your time hehe
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#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data#which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done#for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior#so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip.#also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a#collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things.#and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more#devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close#bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the#country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will#instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a#different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad#a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi#intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see#them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize#the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b#doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped#that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying#less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating#unrelated
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