#Idk I feel like that more helps my case
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i thought howl from howl’s moving castle was fruity, but I’ve been informed he isn’t???? Betrayal
#Hi sorry for coming back to say the most unhinged things ever#For context: I’ve been told I look like howl before. Mostly just bc I have blonde hair at the right length and I have a couple argyle#sweaters#and so I was wondering if I should dress like him for halloween#His aesthetic is aspirational to me#But I’ve never seen the movie or read the books#So I made a poll on Instagram to see if it would be lame for me to dress like him without seeing the source material#Majority said it wouldn’t be lame but one person was particularly vocal about it being lame#He said to just watch the movie so it wouldn’t be lame for me to dress up as howl#But there’s not really a way for me to watch it for free legally#I won’t pirate it especially not as a missionary#but I don’t want to pay $4 on my dad’s Amazon prime account to rent the movie#But getting back to my post I thought I had a basic understanding of howl’s character#From seeing his design to seeing posts about him on tumblr#So I said I know who he is. He is a weird little gay guy with a flare for the dramatic right?#And I was told NO#and I know he and Sophie are a romantic couple but I thought howl had fruity vibes#And I was told no bc he eats the hearts of the most beautiful women???#Idk I feel like that more helps my case#Bc if you are straight why would you eat the heart of pretty ladies?#wouldn’t you want to date them?#Anyways I digress#happy halloween#i am going to wear a costume to the food pantry today#and I had a banger scripture study session this morning#nerd-out#nerd out#howl’s moving castle
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digital painting practice with my favorite pkmn
#im really happy with how this turned out....!!!!#idk if ill do this more often but its really good for rendering simple shapes#i dont really render because adding too many details feels overwhelming to my eyes + its time consuming#although i think i like what i did with the airbrushing and small highlights that are subtle enough to help it stand out#my art#myart#pokemon#shinx#painting#illustration#bright colors#eyestrain#i put a luminosity layer over it but just in case
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I have this one "OC" that does not yet have a name that I've drawn several times for a couple years. I was thinking that if I tried making them in FFXIV that I'd use elezen as a base... but then I remembered what other race have their near exact hairstyle... and now I'm like damn... I played myself...
#idk if ill do anything with them but im saving the design. just in case.#perhaps the ffxiv setting is whats needed to gain an idea of who they are#as of now i havent even figured out their gender like are they male? female? both? its one of those but which? who knows. not me!#i think besides that i knew they were really tall. a magic user. and i was pondering on some italian name#... could work with the 13th i suppose hmmm.#anyway i have more character design ideas than i could ever hope to put to use! send help!!!#ffxiv#final fantasy xiv#ff14#final fantasy 14#roegadyn#hellsguard#gpose#ffxiv screenshot#ffxiv gpose#ffxiv screenshots#i almost tagged edit but these are completely untouched#i tried but then id have to do all to be happy and make them match LMAO#nabaath-areng#my screenshot#i took soooo many screens but i feel like the post is already bloated yells#so these shall suffice. but please DO know that theyre painfully photogenic#and that practically every screenshot turned out super sexy
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One of the biggest things that makes me see Leo as trans is absolutely the size of his carapace in comparison to his brothers’.
And I’m not talking about height! I’m specifically looking at his shell here, because when you compare him to the others, particularly Donnie who is nearly the same height as Leo, it’s very clear that Leo’s carapace is much longer in proportion to the rest of his body.
Like - standing side by side, even though Donnie is shorter his carapace ends noticeably higher up than Leo’s does. And I like this not only because it really helps push the idea that Leo could very likely be trans (or intersex!), but it’s also just a fun design difference between them.
(It also lends way to future scenarios of Donnie eventually getting taller than Leo, but sitting down still has Leo being the taller one haha.)
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#trans leonardo#rottmnt headcanons#rise leo#trans leo#it’s like 4 am and I’m having trans leo feelings again sorry guys#totally get if other people disagree with me on this! but it’s always gonna be my no.1 headcanon fr#his complexion the vibrancy of his colors staying even in adulthood his general demeanor and this? this hc is LOCKED in my brain#plus the times Leo’s depicted in pink white and blue throughout the series like I KNOW it wasn’t on purpose but damn if it doesn’t help#(his nails are also the exact same as his toe nails/claws but I don’t super count this one tbh)#(even though it is TECHNICALLY another point in favor of trans leo)#(mainly because all the boys’ nails are very much more humanoid than turtle)#(just like how their tails aren’t really a factor either since we see them only in their baby forms and never again)#I really like the idea that he was a female red eared slider pre mutation#and Lou Jitsu’s dna paved how his humanoid features came out (aka a more masculine build and voice)#but his turtle features are all very much more in like with a female res#love the thought of rise bros meeting og comic turtle boys and Leo being like wait you guys are res too?? but…you’re not colorful……#one headcanon I have is that - you know the cute chirping and stuff we have the boys do?#I like to think that Leo’s chirping actually sounds more feminine to himself and his bros (so he tends to not do it)#idk I love thinking about this hc a lot and there’s no time like four am to talk about it huh?#future scenario has future Donnie going up to future Leo all smug like ah Nardo how’s the weather down there#and Leo’s all like good *sits down* why don’t you join me :)#Donnie: …*sits and stretches his neck out to be taller still*#Leo calls him a cheater but Donnie calls it ‘making use of his species’s advantages’#but yeah basically for many turtles the case is - bigger carapace? female. smaller carapace? male.#so it’s very interesting to take that knowledge and apply it here#did you know one of the turtles that this rule of thumb DOESNT apply to is alligator snapping turtles? male ones are the bigger ones there!#by a big difference too so Raph’s size makes a LOT of sense
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Something that's rarely brought up, if at all, when it comes to the VegasPete sex scene is how Pete had Vegas be a literal weight on his body during it, and how that could potentially be used as a form of restraint besides typical bondage post-canon.
#we literally see Vegas fully laying on Pete as he thrusts in him#his head mere millimeters away from Pete's face#his palm on his cheek#as an outsider and a person who doesn't enjoy this sort of thing#it literally feels suffocating#I may have held my breath while watching the scene a few times for this reason#but Pete fucking loves it#and I'd like to see it used in fics more#besides everything else people like writing about them#also let's not forget that Vegas is literally disabled post canon#so this would help a LOT in his case#idk just sth to think about#vegaspete
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i always get nervous posting my art bc i feel like i draw him Different than how other ppl do but i guess that is a good thing kinda. peace and love. god bless🙏
#im in love with him btw. in case anyone didnt know#licorice cookie#cookie run#my art#i have more art but ^^ i stay silly#idk i feel weird posting my stuff online nowadays even though i literally need to if i wanna get a job making art😭#i used to post it all the time but being in a Fandom and feeling insecure abt the kinda different way i see media made me so sad and angry#im a lot better now but its... *sigh* yea guys it actually does help to interact with your friends irl and stay off of social media sorry#anyways omg i have so many ideas and stuff for my oc and licorie but i dont wanna be cringey!!!!!! i feel like nobody cares so i jus keep#it to myself but if anyone wants to see stuff i wouldnt mind it if u told me sumhow..
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me: hey, so i feel like you maybe disregarded my saying that caretaking on top of work and school and pre-planned travel is a lot for me right now and i’m not comfortable with all of that pressure being on me alone when i wanna make sure you guys have everything you need when i’m not around…
my family: of COURSE we heard you, that’s why we started doing a bunch of things by ourselves at great cost to our physical well-being instead of asking you for help!!!!!!
me:
#my number one emotion right now is wanting to move across the country out of spite as soon as my mom is fully mobile again#i am sooooooooo done#i had recommended looking into options for home care and my mom supposedly did#but then today she was like ‘idk… there’s just nothing that isn’t medical… there’s no options’#so i googled ‘caretaker help [name of our city]’ and found dozens of people IMMEDIATELY#sent her several links#idk i’m just really pissed off#all i’m suggesting that they do is make a plan in case something like this happens again#and they seem FLABBERGASTED#my mom-mom literally said to me multiple times ‘people don’t usually plan for bad things happening to them’#and it’s like. dude. your daughter is literally lying there in a cast right now bc she fell down the goddamn stairs#the bad thing DID happen!!!!!!!#so now that you’re THINKING ABOUT IT maybe make a plan for next time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and i was VERY nice about it#no bad words… no insults… measured and calm tone…#but they were treating me like i was being crazy and unreasonable and i just don’t GET it…#i know it can be hard to ask for help but this is honestly delusional#my mom hasn’t taken a vacation in over three years because she’s NEVER looked into home care before#and neither she nor my mom-mom are happy about that… they’re always venting to me about it#my mom about how she wants to get out more and my mom-mom about how she feels like a burden#and it’s like. my dudes…#just hire someone!!!!!#like. three hours a day tops… just to check in!!!!!#it wouldn’t be that hard!!!!!!!#am i nuts?????? someone reality check me please#i need something firm to grasp onto
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Jimithon Mouthwashing is such a good representation of untreated, enabled NPD like it makes me want to squeeze the life out of him. I'm endlessly fascinated when watching him interact with his crew, surroundings, and himself because he's so fucking lost in his own sauce. It's insane. If I'm being real, it makes him my favorite character in the game.
It's a little scary to say, but watching Jimmy is like seeing a mirrored version of myself two years ago before I truly committed to treatment for my NPD. He's like a shadow. The opening line "I hope this hurts," which I believe comes from Jimmy right before the crash, is such a poignant statement. It's a simple line, but I can tell you from experience that the desire to hurt others when in a narcissistic rage is overwhelming. It's such a good line to sum up Jimmy's character in that moment. Luckily, in the real world, I had my friends and family there to catch me when I hit my lowest, even though I'd hurt them so many times. Jimmy probably could've used friends to force him into therapy (cough cough Curly cough cough)
#also I don't mean we're similar in any way when it comes to rape or SA. Please don't twist it that way at all.#I mean like in terms of the jealously resentment revenge hurting others to feel thrilled not taking responsibility not seeing flaws etc#I'm diagnosed with NPD also but pls know my experience will be different from others. We're all different people obvs.#also Jimmy has like wayyyyyyyyyy more things wrong with him not just untreated NPD lol#I would say that untreated NPD is a hell most can't describe#you barely feel anything except rage boredom and jealousy (in my case)#love is a form of ownership and control because you can't really feel it the right way#so your -person- is an object of intense obsession and also a tool for you#if that makes sense? I see that with Jimmy and Curly for sure#You want to tear others down and hurt them because it makes you feel good to put them below you#there's a constant feeling of insecurity and it drives you crazy fr#kind gestures from friends feel insulting#and oh my god achievements made by friends and family in my case feel like I've been shot like I hate when they achieve things#It's not logical obvs but that's something I instantly noticed in Jimmy so i was like .....oh brother lol#and also if they achieve something my brain needs it to somehow be tied to me or I'll make it tied to me so they can be thankful#they should always center their attention on me and if they don't I immediately resent them#these are just some of my thought processes on the matter so I can show the similarities I feel with Jimmy#the KEY DIFFERENCE is all of these thoughts I have are left in my head and not exhibited in my actions (any more. took a long time)#but he is such a nasty human with ZERO introspection that he prob never even thought about treatment#also doesn't help that the hot blonde he's friends with never did anything to help with that#idk sorry for oversharing but ahhh this game is so well written I gotta yap about it lol#also kind of a funny unrelated story to show how weird the achievement thing can be lol#my friends announced they saved up enough to go to Vietnam (their dream trip) and I was happy for them (I really was)#but of course my delusional ass immediately also took it as a threat#and I booked a month long trip to Europe a few days after so I could also announce it LMAO#that is a kind of innocent incident when compared to Jimmy but it just shows how annoying NPD can be#Jimmy mouthwashing#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#NPD
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just a head's up: while I hesitate to call hiatus of any kind bc I want to give myself the freedom to write when I have the energy/focus/etc., I will just note that I'm gonna be even slower than usual around here for... idk, probably for a bit. I'm in the worst state mentally that I think I've ever actually been in and it's uhhhh. it's not great lmao. writing is my main escape & distraction so I don't want to step away from it but doing anything is hard as fuck rn so I'm really not interested in pressuring myself to get shit done when it comes to the hobby I'm supposed to be having fun with. I'll be slow, I'll be selective, and it's possible I'll be dropping a lot of drafts?? maybe?? OR at least like. temporarily removing a bunch from my drafts (to be added back later) just so the number is less big & overwhelming lmao.
thank u guys for ur patience w me & for writing w my glittery lil creature, I appreciate u all sm 💜
#so sick of this dude I want to feel my normal kind of bad. this new kind of bad is so hard to calm down & relax & not think with adjgksh#I am constantly antsy & feeling this awful existential dread & I haven't been able to be alone without spiralling#it's terrible. that brief period of feeling lighter yesterday did not last as long as I would have liked lmaodhfjsh#anyway. just wanted to make a note. I'll probably add smth about it to my pinned whenever I can crawl onto my laptop too tbh#but yeah. think it's gonna be rough for quite a while so idk idk I just want to feel a little more free#to do whatever I'm feeling the most around here (which should always be the case I know but I pressure myself ok I can't help it)#I need to stop typing bc I'll just keep rambling... brain won't shut up adjgksh#love u guys ok ty 💜#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.
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In all honesty fishman island should have been Nami’s second arc much how Whole Cake Island was Sanji’s, if anything the themes of prejudice and hatred covered in that arc could have been done well with Nami i.e how not even the people we love are susceptible to prejudices (nobody is above racism and even how easily people can fall to propaganda* etc), yeah she gets her whole talk with Jinbei and Hachi by extent but those are two men who both had a hand in her abuse/imprisonment, IDK we should have just gotten a lot more of Nami interacting on with the fishman society and how her past experiences does in fact colour and effect how she navigates a society that suffers from intense prejudices even with her trauma.
*yes I know that Oda does show the propaganda with the celestial dragons and the marines if I rmbr correctly (whilst also showing it is a negative) but I don’t think he showcases it enough with regular people (which are victims of propaganda more then rich folks)
#Oda missing the mark once again?? Many such cases#Idk the theme of racism does feel very? shallow? Like yeah the whole ‘it’s wrong to discriminate against others’ and fishman’s tiger speech#but idk I feel like we should have gotten a little bit more esp when confronting the straw hat’s potential prejudices I’m not saying they#OMG they deleted part of my tags hold on#Should be prejudiced against the fishman but it really would have gone better with the themes of One Piece and also just a better reflectio#Of irl behaviour cause we all know someone we love that holds conscious or unconscious prejudiced behaviour and I think Oda#Showing this with Nami would have been a great messaging like hatred CAN be overcome we can all grow and we ourselves aren’t above these#Behaviours#cat burglar nami#fishman island#One Piece#Also I haven’t rewatched or reread the arc so some of this may be wrong/me misremembering#Also doesn’t help that all the fishmen look exactly like fishmen but the girls are all just sexy mermaids imagine my surprise upon seeing#Arlong’s sister#Nami#Nami one piece
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...
#made it back to school last night from my childhood hometown in NC#i feel so strange... i got there on thursday afternoon and came back yesterday but i feel like that weekend lasted a month#i think i am in shock still.. the area i grew up in is so utterly and completely devastated i can hardly comprehend it#not to mention the surrounding states...#and even though we were just trying to survive while i was there and it was so so scary .. it was only temporary for me#i get to go home to my cushy apartment with running water and electricity while some of my closest friends and family are wondering#if they can get enough water#and so many have lost their livelihoods or even their lives#some of them have gotten water and power back but others are still stuck. and i feel like i am still there even though im not.#its like this weird anxious guilty numbness feeling that wont go away and gets worse whenever i turn on lights or see a case of water.#i dont live there anymore but I am so emotionally tied to that area ... and i was there for the storm and saw the aftermath#but its not actually my home so i feel like... i dont know what I feel actually.#but i dont feel good#and then i feel guilty for feeling bad too!! like I dont deserve to be upset or traumatized?? maybe i should go to therapy again...#idk if any of this even makes sense... and i dont mean to be all me me me during all of this. i guess I am just tired and need to vent a bi#anyway please please pray for the people affected by the hurricane. and if you can donate that would be so so wonderful.#it seems like it will be years for the area to fully recover. if it ever even does.#if youve read this far you have my apologies for my word slop... heres a heart for you 🩷 and a caterpillar 🐛 i think i need to go to bed#i have class and rehearsal tomorrow. even though all of that just seems kind of pointless to me right now#but maybe more sleep will help...#my post
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i know its been said before but it truly is absolutely fucking crazy to me that saying that the genocide in palestine is bad is like.. a radical and controversial take. i cannot believe that more usamericans arent fucking furious that their tax money is being spent on committing genocide. why does no one give a shit. i feel like im losing it for real
#i still think abt palestine like every day and i know a lot of people on tumblr do too but i feel the rest of the world has moved on#its so. infuriating to think that nothing abt this will change if kamala gets elected like#idk i know she will be better than trump but will she do anything to help palestinians? it seems like the answer is a huge 'no'.#i cant be enthusiastic abt her at all when thats the case. im so fucking sick of american politics I just don't even care anymore#american politics is just. things get worse or things stay the same. those are the two options#this time around it appears it will be more of the same#which is supposed to be acceptable i guess bc at least it wont get worse#but im getting so fucking sick of this cycle. it feels like nothing will ever improve and america will just keep doing horrible things#and people will continue to not care bc its not happening to us. so whatever right?#god.#im actually sorry for fucking election posting bc I hate election posting but ive been thinking abt all of this so much recently i had#to just get it off my chest#us politics#meow!!
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I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.
#to be fair it's bc school starts again in a few weeks#but idk. every day at this office feels like sandpaper on my skin. people always ask me shit i dont understand#and every case is so individual there's no set checklist to follow to troubleshoot#so most of the time I just grind my gears and get stuck#it'd busy more days than not.#and it was advertised to me as data entry only. client interactions was not what i signed up for.#it's all client interaction.#we're short staffed so nobody gets to take the back office and have a break.#when we weren't short staffed i was the new guy and only got 1 day in the back a week while everyone else got 2.#all my coworkers are conservative but talk like they're apolitical.#i thought it'd be fulfilling bc im helping people get benefits#but many are rude or impatient as any other service job. I'm constantly trying to direct people that don't want to listen#or explain the intricacies of something i barely understand.#and i don't want to lead people astray bc you have to start over if you blow a deadline.#but there's just nothing redeeming that i enjoy.#i hate customer service. i hate constantly asking questions. i like seldom few of my coworkers.#i can't be me at work.#and i don't care about the work itself anymore.#this job made me cry every day for weeks last month from sheer stress and overstimulation.#i almost cried myself sick several times.#the only reason I'm not there anymore is bc i dont fucking care anymore.#it took me 2 months to burn out. 2 months!#i was training for half of that!!#idk. everyone decided i was smart and could pick it up quickly so. even though everyone else got 4-6 weeks of shadowing#you can make do with 3 before you start doing stuff solo.#which feels unfair. i wasn't ready for it. and i resent the decision quite a bit.#plus it's been a nightmare for me in terms of external stressors and my generally deteriorating mental health. so.#all in all. i hate it here.#and i can't wait to turn in my notice so i can gtfo in 2 weeks#i am so tired. free me. let me go back to my music please
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the worst feeling is when you become friends with someone first and then they meet another one of your friends and then they become closer and then you're left behind
#in my case my friend met my sister and my sister is the more bubbly of us two#and well one thing lead to another and :/#we do still hang out together all 3 of us but i can tell my friend cares for my sister more and it hurts so bad#they also work together so that doesnt help my case either#im just thinking abt this today cause i learned they met up separately at a coffee shop with out me to talk smth personal#and idk what it is but it just makes me so sad#luna.txt#sucks man i mean i was already feeling down for random reasons and this made me feel like [redacted]
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i regret to inform all of my fellow socially awkward kings that Practicing Talking Good actually helps. u have to make small talk at the grocery store sometimes to get better at speaking to people u don’t know very well. it sucks but if u keep trying it will eventually NOT suck and will in fact be fun and nice
#me when the advice is good and actually helps me >:[#jk i’m actually really proud of myself and very thankful for the good advice 😭#i am a lot more confident these days and it’s. really nice.#took a little more practice than most people need but that’s ok#it also helps to like… idk think about people who you like talking to and figure out WHY you like talking to them#and try to incorporate some of that into your own conversation#like one of my best friends always asks a lot of questions when we talk and it makes me feel like she’s actually interested in my life#i’ve always been someone who assumes that people will just tell me exactly what they want me to know and i didn’t want to pry for more#but!!! that’s not always the case!!! so now i try to ask more questions!!! and it makes me look better at conversation!!!#idk idk i just find all of this really interesting and getting better at this kind of thing has made me more excited to get out of the#house and just. do shit. in places where there will be other people. that i might have to talk to#because i can kinda do that now !!!!
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you know someday i'm gonna feel so good when i have my student loans paid off
that ain't gonna be soon, trust me, but i think about it
#i've been saving so much for it that i paid off over like $2k in the last 2 or 3 months#it's just thinking about how the amount of interest goes off that drives me literally crazy#and my monthly amount i owe is like just under $120#which to some people as a regular bill is more manageable than others. but as i have an irregular income#as a substitute teacher it's something that gives me a LOT of stress.#which is another reason i've been overpaying. in case something happens/i can't get a lot of work#it defers the next due date.#that way it's not urgent but yet i still *feel* it all the time#debt is a crazy kind of thing#and to think that my loans are from COMMUNITY college. two years. publicly owned#when i start taking classes again soon. i currently have enough saved that if i take like ONE class#i can pay out of pocket. and i think im only gonna take one class to start anyway#which will also help with the deferred payments#see i just fucking hate having to think practically about money like this#tales from diana#idk how ppl leave high school and go straight to live in a dorm room at a private university for four straight years#and rack up tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.#first of all that lifestyle was not accessible for me to begin with. even when paying it was such an abstract put-it-off thought#as it is for so many 18-year-olds who are told not to worry about where they apply.#but i had under $12k to repay when the student loan debt was unfrozen last fall#and it's been weighing on me soooo heavily since then. i think about it every damn day#it's like the money i make isn't even mine. it goes straight to mohela and food#keep in mind i also live w my parents & am on their health insurance so someday there'll be moooore bills!!!!
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