#Id like to think im a pretty nice person
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realizing that i am an outlier in fandoms because i do not ship anyone with anyone
#like yes i know there are characters that are canonically in relationships and im cool with that#or characters that have connections with others and fans interpret as relationships#its just that i dont particularly care nor feel any urge to “ship”#its like each character exists in a somewhat closed vacuum of being without me needing to interfere if that makes sense#even as a child i didnt ship... i would SAY that i ship char x char only because i thought that doing so was the expectation#but in my mind i simply was like “yeah they click according to the fans. and im a fan so i should say they click”#even with ships i DO like i dont ship.#its like seeing a work in a gallery and thinking “thats cool!” but not wanting to bring it home and display it in your house#< actually thats pretty accurate in describing how i feel#dont get me wrong i am fine with everyone else shipping its just not for me#id say a part of it is because im romance repulsed aro but even then lots of us ship stuff#just some more personal rambles!#although i suppose its nice not to be sucked into shipping wars and stuff. peace and love in my kingdom#rivera writes#shipping#aromantic#romance repulsed#rivera lore
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I really hate how my physical body looks so so so much. unfortunately there isn't much I can do about it.
#ive got fat genetics from both parents families going back generations and ive been trying to lose weight forever#my stupod body likes being fat i can excercise like crazy and eat barely anything and i wont lose anything#i was excercising 2+ hours a day before i got sick and it made me stronger but i.stayed fat. now that im sick im weak and still fat.#and im not the kind of fat anybody can find pretty. if i could somehow not be fat id be decent to look at my face isnt bad#my skin is bad though my skin sucks#in my eyes im disgusting#and its so messed up because i dont think other fat people are gross#but i hate how i look so much that i cant imagine anyone being okay with it#like no matter how kind and understanding and sweet i am to people its never gonna make up for the fact that my body is grossly ugly#and i cant blame anyone for not liking me i get it.#sorry#this is a problem i have#bacause i just usually pretend my body doesnt exist and i wear pretty loose fitting dresses that cover me completely so but#even though i am what i am#sometimes you happen to meet a nice person and they are polite and dont seem disgusted by your existance so then your traitorous brain t#thinks hey maybe this person would be willing to marry us someday if they got to know us. which is so silly becuz theres no way thatd ever#so it makes me sad when i should be happy that a nice person talked to me. yay good job successful friendlyness. but it has to remind me#that i had this expectation from when i was a kid that id marry somone and have at least 3 kids and love my kids and take care of them and#give them everything i needed when i was a kid. and of course that never happened. because i never dated anyone. because people dont just#magically get married out of nowhere. its stupid. so i keep trying to be okay with whatever. but i guess i never stopped wanting a family.#which we know im aroace now so. i need to stop. but my brain is always bothering me about this.#why can't i just accept that no one will ever love me. why cant i be happy that they dont?#ive got cats#someday i will have irl friends again#sorry i think everything would be so much easier if i was just#this isnt a problem with an easy solutiom#i guess im gonna try to do the useless excercises again because at least it will look like im trying even though nothing will change
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Hey being aroace is already so hard to describe and explain
#me saying that i want this mystical partner that will pretty much just be my friend but its kinda official but im not even that eager to#get that#especially when im in an environment where i have many friends now who wont just up and leave and eho actually value my wellbeing#i don't need a qpr or a relationship or whatever rn at all#sorry this is so hard to explain i feel like i made a mess of this person's head now#because i have this image of a relationship id like to be in and intold them about it#but it's like#not something i WANT right noe#now*#its not something i need ot even strive for its just something i think would be nice to have in the vague fantasy of a future i like to#imagine for myself#and now i get told thatnhey this other friend of mine who i love very much has a similar view of a relationship so we should get together#as if that would be any different#they are not even aroace byw#idk man#this is a mess#ughsnjdjs#the experience of being aroace in a society that doesn't get it at all is pretty much impossible to define i think. honestly
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trying to determine which parts of my relationship with sex are asexuality, which are trauma, and which are autism is like trying to have a conversation with three people talking loudly and all at once
#just to be clear: asexuality as a result of trauma or neurodivergency is still asexuality. full stop no debate.#anyway because i love oversharing on tumblr dot com: feeling very sex repulsed on this day#i was joking with some guy about fighting each other (specifically said ''you ever fight a girl over 200 lbs? id break your ribs'')#and like three different people said something like ''well that would probably turn him on''#and. listen. i get it. that was a joke response to my joke threat#but what i felt in that moment and still feel now requires nothing short of academic study to understand#first of all: how dare they make me feel embarrassed in a social setting when i was doing so well.#secondly: why the fuck would me making a threat make them instantly think of sex#thirdly: how fucked up is my body image that i hear that and immediately think they're all out of their minds#i like fat women. i am personally attracted to fat women. not (usually) sexually but i do think they are very nice to look at#so why is it so hard for me to accept that someone else could find me attractive as well !#i think about being in a situation where a relationship and/or sex is a real possibility and i flinch like its going to hurt me#but why???? where is this aversion coming from !!!!! i am a hopeless romantic i daydream about romance all the time#so whats the deal here. is it subconscious bc of my asexuality and i associate romance with sex?#is it because of my autism where i associate romance with touch and am afraid i am too unempathetic to have a chance?#or (most likely) is it just because im so fucking scared of trusting someone that even the thought makes me nauseous#did this all crop up from a throwaway sex joke? yes#but people don't make sex jokes to me. people don't even pretend to allude to me being cute#this same group of people said a few weeks ago ''at least you're pretty''#which. is not the case!!!!!!! people do not say those things to me because they don't want to even slightly entertain that idea !!!!!!!#and i am extremely tired of having my life upended because of this#i have always been treated like i was ugly and teased about it and i FINALLY have managed to be okay with not being attractive#and now that im okay with it: NOW is when the pretty jokes start. im fucking angry about it actually#i can't be both. i cannot think of myself in terms that abstract. i am one or the other#and this leads me to believe that people think i COULD be pretty. but the catalyst is that i am fat and therefore cannot be attractive#which just makes me more angry!!!!!!!!!!!#how can i be completely indifferent to sex and attraction without seeming juvenile. i don't care so so much#but every time that sort of thing happens i feel like im 13 again and the hot jock is talking to me#i need to be put down. something's wrong with this one (me)#i realize i can't stop people from making sex or appearance jokes but god i wish i fucking could
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angie is... surprisingly annoying to design clothes for? cause as angel it isnt too bad just fancy suits usually with yellow worked in. but her casual outfits are hard to make look nice and distinct cause she just wear tanktops and the occasional band tee for smth youve never heard of
#she and luci actually dress pretty similarly with more sporty casual clothing#but i worry less about luci's clothes cause uhh id never admit to forgetting to develop a character but um luci is kinda on the backburner#but angie! i love her so dearly i want her casual clothes to look good#but an in universe joke that shes a fashion major but she dresses like someone's deadbeat dad#also i just dont think she's an accessories person so i cant do that#i guess i focus on her hair? should probably figure out a way to draw it more consistently#its gone through a few changes design wise so im pretty rough with drawing it still#ooo maybe some cool sneakers#maybe a few patches on her pants? to be the opposite of geist#geist has complicated shirt designs but simple pants so angie can have a simple shirt but complicated pants#and then adam has simple clothing but wears more accessories#and bianca! umm i need to fix her outfit to look nicer still#but also her not fitting into the group as nicely design wise would make sense#although actually bianca kinda brings it in with the hair maybe? since she has white hair + the bow she always has#maybe that makes sense#shout out to anyone who reads all this and sees my live design process#klepto talks to himself#klepto rants about ocs
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yknow what the worst part was about the mosquitoes infesting my apartment? the first one i saw, so innocently, thinking it just got in somehow, was a male and i was complimenting it on its cute fuzzy antennae. and then they infested. and then i developed contempt for them whenever they're even near my house.
#same thing happened with the squirrels too. was gonna spend time growing things they could eat. and then they killed it all#so now im like. fuck em. figure it out yourself bitch 🤷#you have NO IDEA what it had to take for me to get to this point. THEY wanted to go to war apparently.#they just didnt know id win. (everythings covered in chicken wire fuck you bitch)#i never have issues with squirrels in the forests or elsewhere. but the squirrels around my house? my enemies.#go ahead and derive whatever assumptions you're gonna about that bc ik you're gonna anyways and its gonna be the least charitable#thing too so i really dont care about trying to say how i feel nicely anymore bc ppl will choose what it means anyways#without asking me to clarify for shit.#if you seriously think im too stupid to be able to be normal about these creatures outside of my house you literally just. do not know me#as a person as well as you think you do.#every time there is a bug problem in my house i keep repeating 'we would be so cool and chill if you just did Not try to live in here'#'you are easier to appreciate when you are not spreading diseases in my house' yknow. it sounds pretty reasonable to me personally
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GUESS WHO HAS A BOYFRIENDDDD
#Its me!!!#TOLD YA#god hes so cute#was leaving a party n he came out w me so ofc ended up making out and yapping gor an hour#and he was like well.... do u want to be my gf.....#and i was like......... yea......#i farted while we made out too idk if he noticed#IT JUST SLIPPED OUT I COULDNT HELP IT!!!#AND MY HOUSEMATE ALSO GOT BOOED UP SAME DAY#hers was a looooot more effort tho he put rose petals all over the bed#which like if im gonna be real w myself#wouldve been nice but i wouldve thougjt thats a bit much for a simple question#like thats the amount of effort i imagine for like. gettig engaged#its rlly not that much effort i suppose but idc id rsther it be a convo#even getting engaged ive always inagined a convo not a proposal yk#Stefan is his NAME#anyway stefan was saying how he was thinking like doing it while we were out on a dinner date#but considering how were both anxious . prolly best we did it in a mlre private manner#im a pretty private person#idk how to act so i get terribly nervous and embarrassed trying to react in front of others#likeill end up crying#and its not that serious#gd i like him so much....#he said he adored me ....#its so strange to hear these sort of words from him when i havent said them first#LIKE HES JUST THINKING THAT#omg?????#HE ASKED IF I ADORED HIM ANS I HESITATED AND WAS LIKE WELL THAT TELLS U.#but like to me adore is super close to love and im just obv not there#and i said that to him and he was like tru
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I'm going to make the best of these two years.
But man, I just want to get married.
My beloved knows this too, but he's not ready and I really get wanting to wait until he done with his military contract.
God has plans for us, and I will have an adventure in grad school. I might even get the opportunity to perform outside of the country. Maybe if I do well enough with graduate assistantship I can walk into a doctoral program (if I immediately get my doctorate, I 1000% do not care what that will bring but I am getting married and starting a family). That'd be nice, and maybe I can get a symphony job.
I hope I can do good at whichever parish I join, whether the community one or the Newman center. I am excited about joining a Bible study and meeting with people my age. I'm excited about having access to a gym. I'm excited about campus events, even if they're geared towards undergrads. I'm excited to make new friends and also living close to my boyfriend's family to help out.
Even with all that, I really wish we could get married sooner. I hate the waiting. I just want to be with him. I don't care if we don't have our lives together, I just want to be with him.
But, I am grateful for the opportunity to continue my education and all the opportunities and experiences graduate school is going to give me. I'm very excited to get better at my instrument and become a better person.
And after grad school, we can get married, we can buy a house, and settle down. I won't have to worry about moving. We can be part of a community. We can have kids and we can teach them our love of sports, music, our faith, and loving others. I can teach, whether at a school or private lessons, and play in symphony. I do very much want to spend time with little ones and be a stay-at-home mom. I want a sweet little baby of my own.
I just have to make it through the next two years.
#this evenings thoughts#this pretty much sums up my thinking#i really just want to settle down#im 26 and i just want a family and to be settled#ill be 28 when i graduate and get married#im not in a rush but its tough when i know what i want#and i have to be away from my significant other for two years#we can meet up just fine but its tough being 3 hours apart#i think itd be nice if he proposee this year#thatd be cool#id want to get married anytime from December 2025 to June 2026#i cant help but be jealous of my friends who got married last year or so at 24 or 25 and i have to wait#but i know it will be for the best and i cant complain Because my significant other is so wonderful#maybe we'll get married sooner?#kind or doubt it but its a nice sentiment#rattlings and such#tradlife#personal#i keep finding the cutest houses and man its a struggle#maybe by waiting the housing market will be a little better and we can get a nice old home#i know what i like at the very least#its so nice to go to church together#id love if that was a more regular occurrence#we'll get there though
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Vent
#i have so many conflicting feelings right now#i got complacent#i was thinking i was pretty for a while there#but now im realizing i need to work out#i need to get toned and i need to lose fat#i was getting used to feeling nice about myself#this is bad. this is not a good feeling#i shouldnt be hard on myself i already have a lot on my plate#i hate that i always fall back into this when i see a picture of them#because i am so absolutely head over heels#and i want to look good next to them#i want to be on their level#i want to be hot and pretty and gorgeous next to them#i want them to look at me the same way i do them#but for that i need to work out. so much. so so much#i dont have the energy or the time or the willpower#i dont have the willpower i dont want to be comparing myself like this i want to be gorgeous i want to be hot#i want to have the willpower i want to be able to do it i dont have the money to make someone force me to do it#i work out when someone forces me if i had the money id get a PT i want to be hot i want you to look at me i want to be gorgeous#i dont want to look myself in the mirror. i dont want to see. i dont want to see whats in that fucking mirror. i dont want to know#i dont want to see how much im not what i want to be. god i have so many issues#i thought i could be like i am and still feel pretty. i thought i could do as i liked and be pretty anyway. or i guess i am pretty but#i wanna be better. i wanna be more. i want the willpower i want the drive i want to want i want i fjsaöbfvwcfisnvs#crying#i dont want to be like this. i dont want to be like this. i dont eant to be like this. i dont want to be like this.#and i hate how my extreme attraction and love for this fucking person is making me drag my self image into the grinder#i dont want to feel ugly. i dont want to feel disgusting. i dont want to feel like i could do so much more if i just stoppedbbeing lazy#im so fucking lazy im such a sloth im such a blob i can't do this i cant do this i cant do this i cant do thus#i dont want to spural i dont want t9 be ugly i dont want to be someone lesser i hate everything i hate it all i hate i hate i hate i hate#digging my nails into mu skin
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We saw you join the falloutwiki server after we invited you, but you left? We can't find you there anymore!
Im an incredibly skilled join-immediatly-leave-er in pretty much every server there is in the fallout fandom. Also we talked in person I know who you are whyd you send me an anon
I went on a slightly unrelated rant in the tags LMAO I already wrote it there's no going back
#sorry i saw the list and would rather not#have some affiliations that make me uncomfortable#sorry :/#sunflower asks#plus servers i usually stay in are either ones i joined when i was like 18-19 and then. uh actually that's it#besides a few mod servers now since im learning. but strictly adult ones#kinda makes me sad now that i think about it. cause i joined all those when i was 18-19 and mad and easily influenced#so i made a lot of decisions i regret. and was very easily influenced by a couple ppl#and i feel very stupid about it. i was younger and eager to make friends! those friends were not good choices#and i ended up being pretty awful to some very nice people bcs i wanted to stay close friends with the other ppl#not going to name names obviously.#those ppl were awesome and made me feel very welcome and are some of the only ppl who are actually into the same things i am#but i was really awful to them bcs there was someone i liked on what ill call the 'opposite' side of what we were into#and i wanted that person to keep liking me. but they were very very vocal abt being grossed out w this and that.. stuff the rest of us were#actually into and happy abt. stuff im STILL into now and was into in the past. but pretended i wasnt so that person would still like me#and it got me really fucked up. and that person we're still friends but rarely talk anymore#and it didnt go anywhere however that was my choice as i realized id made a really really big mistake#mind you. person reading my way too long and oversharing tags. this was like.. 2 or 3 years ago now?#and i STILL feel bad about it. I literally think about it 5-6 times a week. and not like in passing like genuinely often genuinely bad#im actually an adult now and actually got my stuff together by pretty much cutting every single person i knew off entirely#and spent 2 years just suffering doing nothing completely alone. and now it's impossible to make friends#and i feel really really bad about it. i shouldve been and behaved better. but i didnt and really paid the price for it#and i feel very isolated and alone pretty much constantly. i dont think i will ever find a group of people who were so accepting and kind#and actually into what i was into with zero judgment again. cause we're not a big fandom. and those were pretty much the only ones#ive wanted to reach out to apologize on multiple occasions but figured it wouldnt matter#then i remembered 2 of those ppl owe me art i paid for and never got..... so i think about that often too.....#ah the irony there. it is not lost on me#but yeah thanks for reading this fucking ESSAY in the tags
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Oh yeah no, this is gonna suuuuck for the both of them. But it’s gonna be great! It’s gonna be fine, it’s gonna- it’s gonna be a trash heap thats what it is. But hey it’s gonna be damn entertaining. For me. That is. Baby Bruce in his youth was already a surly depressed kid with just One Trauma but this Baby Bruce with his ten tiered wedding cake of trauma is gonna…
It’s gonna be interesting that’s for sure. Since he has his memories of being an adult he’s much more helpful than he would be if he didn’t, but he’s in a weak kid’s body with the emotional processing to match. It’s hard to stay serious all the time when he’s struggling to stay calm.
Like he is so frustrated man. And stressed. And just a teensy bit scared but that’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fiiiiineee. It’s not like he’s gotta figure out a way to get himself and this civilian teenager to safety all on his own as a kid. Yeah, everything will be fine in the middle of cornfed Iowa. Yep! Totally fine.
Luckily its the beginning of summer in this dimension and that the JLA exist here. So yay, there’s hope!
“Your brother is adorable.” The cashier cooed at Danny, peering over the counter with a smile. “What’s his name?”
Danny looked down to the surly, scowling little de-aged Batman currently holding onto his hand, glaring up at the cashier with bright blue eyes.
Things had already been bad enough when he’d gotten caught in a fight in Gotham, but things went from bad to worse when a magician had hit Batman with a de-aging spell and then shoved them through a portal.
Into a different fucking dimension.
Because of course neither of their lives could be easy. And now the two of them were stuck in Iowa in the middle of nowhere, at a truck stop gas station, trying to go on a cross-country roadtrip to reach the nearest hero city and get home.
He looked up and smiled awkwardly, trying to come up with a name off the top of his head — one of the heroes called Batman ‘B’ when he got hit right? B for Batman, right. B… B… Bee… Bees.
“Buzz.” He said, and tried not to grimace as the cashier’s face warped with surprise. “Like the astronaut.”
This was gonna be a long trip.
#looking at danny and bruce: oh they are gonna get sO clingy in these upcoming months#when you’re traveling with only one other person and you’re a kid too Attachments Form#me @ these two: you have to be here at minimum a month and a half. have fuuun#poor danny is havinga Time And A Half too lets not forget about him. he is SO stressed too man like he’s got no way of getting home and—#he’s gotta look after literaly baby BATMAN?? its a lot of pressure. and he thought being phantom was hard.#they’re both stuck there for quite a while i think actually. no less than a month and a half but no more than three i think#but i have a pretty piss poor concept of time so three months might be too long? i def know any longer than that is for sure too long#you know this trip would be easier if Central City was in the midwest in this world but alas. tis not bc i need to keep their trip here#long somehow :). central city was apparently in florida in one run. it doesnt strike me as a floridian city that much tho so im moving east#bruce is no younger than three but no older than ten so somewhere in the nice middle so around 5-8#danny isnt flying them bc of his own secret ID and also because bruce wouldnt be able to withstand the speed he goes#plus ectoplasm stuff ig. Plot Reasons#nothing says ✨welcome to the family✨ like shared trauma
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all the old tptm girl journal entries w the new (if anyone wants to see them again and compare them)
please proceed with caution as many of these could be upsetting to read
disposable girl (jordyn)
(old)
i cant fucking stand this. i try so goddamn hard to make friends, to be attractive to people, to be even somewhat appealing to them etc etc. it never works. i thought it would get better the older i get. thats what i was told. guess what! i was fucking lied to!!! im alwasy left out of EVERYTHING i never get invited to shit and my own friends ignore me all the time. everyone looks at me weird. i cant go in public anymore im so fucking terrified of everyone. nobody fuckinf wants me, man. im so close to doing something stupid i feel so gross and ugly and dumb i should actually just die id be doing everyone a favor LOL
(new)
man, i havent been on here in forever. the internet is kind of dumb. what is there to say? my friend group celebrated our outpatient graduation anniversary the other day, that was pretty nice. we’re all trying to figure out housing stuff, nora’s been helping with that. freyja + mayra + kairi found a place already (how are they so responsible??) and the rest of us are trying to find places near them so we can visit more often. i never expected to have such a big group of friends. if you told me 2 years ago that i’d be living like this, i wouldn’t believe you. it’s still surreal to me. i’m not sure what i did to deserve them. same goes for my girlfriends. i don’t wanna say who just yet, we’re still figuring things out, but i’m just so thankful for them. i feel so lucky to have a second chance at life. i really didn’t believe people when they said it would get better, and then it did. how funny…..
irreverent girl (kairi)
(old)
I do not want God to see me anymore. I do not want anymore eyes on me. This is near unbearable. I have no one to turn to. My mother is in the church. Many of my friends are in the church. They would tell me to find hope through Christ. They would tell me to pray to Him. They would tell me that He will save me. He must not remember He made me, and if He does, He simply does not care. I know this is unbecoming of me, and I don't mean to be dramatic. I am simply depressed, nervous, and I cannot tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I know I'm supposed to hear God speaking to me, but I do not, and I am tired of straining my ears. I just want to see a doctor. I want some kind of tangible solution. I do not want to pray anymore. Praying hurts. I only do it when I am afraid, but I am afraid much of the time. I don't want to be unheard anymore. I do not want to hold out hope for someone who does not act like they're there. I am hurting. I am hurting. I am hurting. Belief is hurting me. The idea of God is hurting me. I need an out. I am hurting.
(new)
When I have a job and money and I can move away from my shitty Mormon parents
splitter girl (tahira)
(old)
theres something so broken in me thats beyond saving. so i dont know why i keep trying to be saved. i meant to kill myself when i was 18. i didnt. all ive wanted to do lately is kill someone or something. i havent. im too much of a pussy to plan anything concrete, no matter how much i hate everyone around me. no matter how much i get off to videos of people dying or how much i love cutting myself i cant actually take action against other people. i am fucking purposeless. i was born from evil and i will always be evil and i cant even live up to that. i hate myself i hate myself i HATE myself and the universe hates me too. i dont know what to fucking do at this point. i talked to one of my friends about wantingto die and they said smthn about hospitalizing myself. maybe. i dunno. i dont know what else there is for me/. my eyes are fucking burning from lookign at my computer for so long adn not getting any goddamn sleep. i am not a good person. i dont think i can be helped but i just dont wanna fucking keep goign to school and being around people and pretending like everything is norma;l. i cant keep doing it. what the fuck is wrong with me whagt happened. why cant i be loved or feel love for other people when did something change in me that switched the aggression and affection parts of my brain. im hyperventilating ill be back. maybe
(new)
getting myself onigiri from this one good boba place 2nite bc im 8 months clean…… its the little things~ ^^
fainéant girl (freyja)
(old)
i know i dont hate being disabled... i just hate being disabled in a society that makes existing difficult... but sometimes i really just dont want to be disabled anymore. i dont want my family to lecture me about how i could be helping out more, or how i should get a job. i dont want teachers to keep asking me whats wrong or the fuckin uni counselor to try to get me hospitalized. i dont want to be in so much pain anymore, to feel so exhausted that i cant even do so much as prepare food for myself, let alone do anything meaningful or fulfilling. its not fair. i shouldnt have to stay inside and sit in the dark all day,. i should be able to have friends. to talk to people and to go out with them and to feel like i am alive. its lonely and traumatic to suffer through this and on top of that no one around me understands, and they never fully will. i am tired of trying to justify my existence to everyone, to explain the pain that i am in and why i shouldnt have to experience it. i know the problem isnt me. i know i live in a world that isnt built for me. but if the world cant change then sometimes i truly feel that i should just stop living in it. my lifespan is already shorter than everyone else's anyways. what difference does it make
(new)
my qpps didnt seem to appreciate me playing Alien Kids Alien Rap for them. Do they even love me
caliber girl (nora)
(old)
唉~It is 3 AM and I should go to sleep but I can’t. I have a work zoom meeting early in the morning and I gotta hit the gym also because I haven’t done leg day in like… weeks. Oh well, it doesn’t even matter. My value is depleting but I don’t think I care anymore. The turnaround date for my code is also in a couple of days and I haven’t made any progress. I keep getting the same error and I’m too tired to figure out what’s wrong. I might get fired at this rate LOL(笑). If that happens, I think I’ll just consider ending it all. Not that anybody will miss me. God I sound so weak and pathetic right now. When did it get like this. How did it get like this. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve been through worse before and this is nothing. Ugh, why is it so hard to breathe? My chest hurts and I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know how to make it go away. Should I call someone about this? No. No one is awake or around to help. I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep it off. Shake it off… shake it off…
(new)
My Tamagotchi beeped during a meeting fml
chocolate box girl (morgan)
(old)
i thought i was doing better but i cant stop thinking about them. their touch, their interests, their smile, everything. the worst part is that i miss them, after all of what they've done to me. i was 13. i dont even feel justified calling it rape since our relationship was so muddy... they never yelled at me or was angry at me, they just got so sad when i tried to speak my mind, and got all my friends to hate me when we finally broke up. i never said no so i feel like im insulting actual survivors by feeling violated. i wasnt even trying to get into a relationship with them, it just happened... i feel like everyone around me wants me in the same way they did, even though im an adult now and i dont even try to make myself appealing. i wish i could trust people not to take advantage of me, and i feel disgusting and selfish for feeling like everyone has ulterior motives of getting me to fall in love with them, or worse. that's so self centered of me. i dont know how long i can keep doing this
(new)
girl help i cant stop looking at anime figures on japan yahoo auctions !!!!!
taxidermy girl (mayra)
(old)
I don't remember ever not having a sex drive, is that normal ? I was born and then it was all downhill from there, something happened to me sexually i think, I don't know what happened, because I don't remember much, but something happened and I was beaten for it and yelled at and my mother hated me, and now I am an adult and I try to have sex, and I'm not there mentally, even if my body is participating, I feel like I am in the past again, being beaten and yelled at . I want to keep trying, I want to have fun, to feel safe in someone else's arms, to reach the heights of pleasure, but my mind scares me so much, I haven't been able to eat anything today because I feel so horrified by my body . If I was good I would have been born as a nonsexual being, no parts, no desires, no instincts, a blank slate, too empty to be enjoyed . Do you know what it feels like, to have your mother tell you people want to sexually abuse you when you are a child, and then to be made fun of by your peers for being so ugly, to have your middle school and high school classmates joke about how much they don't want to have sex with you ? I am illicit and undesirable at the same time, I am everyone's last option, I am nothing and still too much, rotting deer meat on the side of the road . I wish I had been born as something beautiful and pure, I wish I could start over, that whatever that initial sin was had never been committed .. I want to start over
(new)
Went to a kink event the other night and everyone was so nice … The low lights were fucking with my vision so one of the hosts helped me navigate the place . I ❤️ you random disabled ally with a pup mask on
chemical girl (joy)
(old)
LMAOOOOO im too angry and miserable to be around. i think i just need to give up at this point because theres clearly like. something broken inside me that cant be fixed. that has 2 be it because i try to talk and i just sound cold, i try to make a joke and it comes out overly edgy and unfunny, i try to be like everyone else but its too much. i cant even be a collection of the positive traits i see in others, i try to replicate it and it comes out warped and wrong. im either fucking enraged or in abject misery or way too happy and nobody can keep up with me. the thing is i dont even blame them. i wouldnt want to be around me either. do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know? i keep hoping that one day ill wake up and suddenly be normal, the mood swings will be gone and everyone will like me and i wont do stupid shit that pisses them off. but i know that day isnt coming. theres no hope for me and i want to say sorry to everyone who has ever had the misfortune of knowing me but i know it wouldnt do anything. theres nothing i could ever do to make myself right
(new)
i need to convince my gf to take me to Round One again soon
refraction girl (nataana)
(old)
i don't want to do this anymore. i'm going somewhere better
(new)
talked with my psych and i’ll be starting TMS soon, it’s some thing where they put magnets to ur brain and it’s supposed to treat depression.. trying to temper my expectations bc i’ve tried so many treatments that just do nothing for me, but i’d be lying if i said my hopes weren’t riding on this. i want to confidently say i’m glad to be alive. i feel like i’m getting closer to that
nurse parallel/machine girl (xiomara)
(old)
I am so excited... Tomorrow my experimental outpatient treatment plan begins!!! I'm beyond delighted. I have complicated feelings about my DID being in remission, but it's nice to feel stable enough to be in charge of something this big, and to not have terrible gaps in my memory anymore. I still don't remember everything that happened to me, but maybe I don't need to. At this stage of my life, I feel content. I can confidently say everything was worth it. I want to help others feel that way, too. I think I can.
(new)
I’m meeting up with a new friend tomorrow… I feel nervous, but it’s a good nervousness, I think!
#the post traumatic manifesto#tptm#refraction girl#weevildoing#splitter girl#nurse parallel#chocolate box girl#chemical girl#disposable girl#faineant girl#irreverent girl#taxidermy girl#caliber girl
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okok let me finally do my analysis on kusuke and makoto parallels like ive talked about a thousand times (obvious warning that im gonna talk about incest, and also that im gonna be talking about a gag manga in a serious light so if that upsets you just go away ✌️)... yippee, perverted older brothers with unhealthy dynamics with their powerful younger siblings analysis!!
the most obvious parallel is in their interactions with the others sibling. they literally have the same exact meeting, they both go from being fake nice to "my sibling is special and youre not worthy of them"
not included in pictures but also note that kusuo got rid of makoto by calling on kokomi and kokomi got rid of kusuke by calling on her fans
"the second hes distracted, LETS GO"
"we're the only ones who can match up to each other"
kusukes idea of kusuo being inhuman also influences the way this is treated i think- he tells kokomi that marrying a beautiful man will suit her best and that kusuo is above that kind of thing (aka actual romantic and aesthetic attraction), and it seems that being the only ones who can measure up to each other is probably the closest, in his eyes, that kusuo can get to love (confirmed in my opinion by the marriage/engagement symbolism a few pictures down⬇️). thats why he thinks theyre the only ones worthy of each other even if he doesnt see kusuo in the exact same way as makoto sees kokomi. if that makes any sense :p these are obviously already parallel on surface level, but id say theyre even more similar if you look deeply into it
"i know everything youre thinking" and "everyone else looks like monkeys to me"
associating their sibling with heaven/god
a certain fixation on their sibling's body... top two are specifically them trying to see their sibling naked without consent
? not sure how to describe this. implications of engagement/marriage? this use of an explicitly romantic symbol actually confuses me in kusukes case but thats not really relevant here...
theyre the reason their sibling cant relax or be themself even at home... also note that kusuo specifically says that kusuos masochism (which i guess in some contexts masochism can be non-sexual but in this situation, since kusuke is canonically a pervert and there are several implications and allusions to sexual pleasure, it obviously means he gets SEXUAL pleasure from pain/humiliation) is the main reason he doesnt like him. likewise, kokomi is bothered by makotos overprotective and overbearing nature, though unfortunately she doesnt seem to be aware of his sister complex and thinks hes just being an annoying big brother.
not necessarily something that can be captured in a picture but theres also the fact that they both have pretty perfect lives but are still obsessed with their sibling and only their sibling, its all they really care about and their entire lives depend on them.
makoto is extremely attractive, charming when hes trying to be, and is a famous actor... he clearly gets girls. but he doesnt want any of them because hes stuck in his obsession with kokomi, shes the only girl he wants and its ruined his perception of other girls. he believes hes the only one that can be right for kokomi and touch her, and that likewise kokomi is the only girl he can be with. her presence dictates his life, he skips work just to follow her around and prevent her from getting involved with other guys. we only see maybe a few sentences from him where he isnt talking about kokomi, even when hes on tv.
kusuke is an attractive and charming genius, easily pulls girls, cambridge graduate, and is the favorite child in his family. but none of that matters, it only sets him apart from other humans and gives him a skewed perspective of anyone who isnt kusuo. he believes kusuo is the only person he can get that sadomasochistic pleasure from, and kusuo is the reason he developed it in the first place and he specifically seeks him out and coerces him into it. he really only cares about his family, theyre the only people in the world that are worth anything in his eyes, and his only interactions with anyone else have been using them as tools to get to kusuo. his life goal is (or was, before the end of cat tank arc) defeating kusuo. he has cameras in his familys house that hes presumably constantly watching, implied by him being ALREADY watching before his parents even called him about kusuos limiter.
#this was one of the most obviously intentional things i noticed when watching for the first time#so i was shocked that people dont see it#'stop comparing kusuke and makoto theyre nothing alike!!' my brother in christ theyre literally written to be compared#the main difference i think is that kusuke sees kusuo more sexually and makoto sees kokomi more romantically#obviously theres both in each but one outweighs the other#yeahhhhhhhhhhh#i actually really would like to know what kusuke planned to do after failing in cat tank arc before kusuo gave him another chance that he-#wasnt expecting. like he failed at his life goal and didnt even expect kusuo to still want him around. but thats a whole other conversation#anyway idk if im missing stuff this was half finished in my drafts for a long time and i kept forgetting about it#ok thats all#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo#saiki kusuke#teruhashi kokomi#teruhashi makoto#meows post#incest cw#meownalysis
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*During a particularly slow patrol or stakeout*
Steph: Soo, if you were to have a song as your theme, what song would you choose? Personally i think id be 'Applause' by Lady Gaga.
Damian: This is ridiculous, brown, i will not be part to such a foolish activity.
Steph: Dont be such a debby downer, brat. Have some fun once in your life.
Damian: *Scoffs*
Dick: I like this game! i-
Bruce: We're on an important mission, everyone. Keep the talk work related.
Steph: C'mon big guy, nothing's happening, and we're all close to falling asleep. If anything, this ensures we're attentive if anything happens.
Bruce: ...Very well. But keep your eyes on the target.
Dick: Will do! Anyways, as i was saying, i think id be 'Royals' by 'Lorde'!
Steph: Dick, i mean this in the nicest way possible but you are quite literally the closest thing there can be to modern-society royalty.
Dick: Yeah, thats why i like the song!
Tim: So you just never listen to the words?
Dick: I mean i never really close attention but is it really that much of a problem??
Duke: I mean, you are like, all of the things she mention she's never going to be.
Dick: Oh :(
Steph: *Snorts* Yeah, if anything youd be 'Candy' by Robbie Williams.
Tim: Hah, yeah.
Dick: Ok, i like the song but now im getting the feeling that its not a compliment.
Cass: Dumb but nice big brother :)
Damian: You do act quite like an empty headed buffoon at times, Richard.
Dick: What! No! Ok wait let me choose another song... ok, ill be 'Killer Queen' by Queen, ok?
Steph: Yeah i guess i can accept that. What about you, tim?
Tim, in a completely dead voice: 'What is love' by TWICE.
Duke: Uh...
Tim: I said what i said.
Duke: Ok... well, i like 'sunflower' by Post Malone.
Dick: Aaw, you are like a sunflower, thats so nice
Cass: You are very bright and warm, yes. Like sunshine
Duke: Thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Cass: I like 'The dog days are over' by Florence and The Machine
Tim: Thats... pretty much perfect for you.
Dick: Yeah, agreed.
Tim: So, baby brat, what about you?
Damian: I told you, i wont lower myself to such childish games!
Dick: Come on, little bat, for me?
Damian: I am not one to be swayed so easily, you fool!
Cass: Dont be mean, baby brother, and have fun. Please?
Damian:
Damian: Fine. I choose 'You should see me in a crown' by Billie Eilish. I would look very good in a crown.
Steph: Yeah, i dont know what i expected
Dick: What about you, Bruce?
Bruce: I dont listen to music.
Tim: Damn man, that sounds depressing, you must know a song or two
Bruce: I really dont know that many songs, Tim. Maybe you can choose for me
Dick: No! That defeats the purpose of the game, B, come on, just think about it for a second
Bruce: Mmm... I guess if i were to choose, 'Viva la vida' by Coldplay woul-
Jason, who has the comms frequency but never uses and isnt even on the same mission: Personally I'd be 'Fireworks' by Katy Perry
Dick: Jay! its so nice to hear you parteci-
Jason: Specifically the part that goes 'do you ever feel already buried deep, six feet underground but no one seems to hear a thing'
Dick: *softly* Jay, no.
#batfam#batman#bruce wayne#jason todd#red hood#dick grayson#nightwing#tim drake#red robin#spoiler#Stephanie brown#robin#damian wayne#cassandra cain#black bat#batboys
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I find the whole topic of Dick’s emotional competence really fascinating because it’s clear that has an understanding of emotions in a way that Bruce has completely suppressed and cannot because he straight up doesn’t talk about emotions but while Dick recognises and understands it -
He never really uses it for ethical reasons ( exceptions like E.G having that call with Tim after he talked the jumper of the roof because if that was Bruce well .. I don’t think it would of helped much )
He mostly uses it for tactical reasons and manipulation.
And despite being able to use it on others and have emotional intelligence with them when it actually comes to him …. Well it goes less well because he holds himself up to this insane standard BECAUSE of Bruce .
Its especially interesting because Dick has wished before that unlike Bruce he could bottle up his emotions and shut it out .
Idk correct me if wrong but it’s nice food for thought!
dick grayson is sooooo normal i want to study his brain under a microscope. yeah id say that’s a pretty fair interpretation of his rich inner world — i do think that like bruce he tends to force himself through emotional trauma by brute force (we see this in the 96 run, for example) — but he’s also really cognisant of other people and specifically how he’s viewed by other people.
there’s this panel out of titans 99 where vic is like “i can’t believe dick lied to me!!” and the other characters say yeah. that’s normal for him. he’s a manipulative person when he wants people to do what he says, yknow? i mean i do think he does it for good a tonne, he just uses shortcuts to cut to where people are hurting. like….. he will explain to u ur emotional intricacies to get u to open up. he’s similar to bruce in the sense that they both care — possibly way too much — but while bruce struggles to express that dick is a lot more outwardly open, but also u never know how much of it is a facade.
it also makes it more impactful when he is profoundly known by others — specifically the fab5 and kory and babs and bruce. he has (imho) some degree of depersonalisation about his identity and his body and his autonomy, so people seeing through the performance and wanting to protect the core is truly. chefs kiss
it’s so interesting!! i cannot emphasise how much more of an interesting character he is when writers actually incorporate his intelligence into his stories. like people will follow him to ends of the earth because despite how bitchy he gets u know he’s going to do the right thing, even if dick himself doesn’t necessarily believe it
im literally rattling on the bars of my cage like
#dick grayson#nightwing#teen titans#bruce Wayne#batman#dc comics#the ask and the answer#I AM SO NORMAL
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WOTTG SPOILERS AFTER THE CUT
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Can you believe Rick is validating me in my Percy-is-the-most-empathic-character take? I have legal basis but boi does it feel nice to have canon confirmation.
Second that book was short af I got the gist of it all while reading for like an hour.
Third, we addressed everyone else’s trauma. Percy’s still the group therapist LMAO 😭😭😭
Fourth, my son is such a good kid yall, this is why I lose five years of my life when someone insults or when he insults himself jfc my child.
Im honestly still processing and I have to reread the ending. Did it address Percy’s issues? Im going to go with “a bit” and call it a night. I mean, I guess it did? Percy got to unload and help Gale and Hecuba. We got an insight to how he’s managing to stay up and fighting and good despite all the shit he’s put into. Honestly the fact that he saw the humanity in Gale and Hecuba, that he saw their pain and grief and thats what made them trust him, that is so good. And the way he related to them. Goodness. And it highlights again how good a person he is, how much he feels and cares. I mean, he cried cause he had to send Mrs O Leary away, I cant with this kid-
I supposed what Im left unsatisfied with is how he still perceives himself as dumb? Baby, you survived San Fran for two months as a homeless kid without memories and pursued by different monsters who cant die. Youre the furthest thing from dumb.
He cant see this of course and while it was slightly addressed(?) by Annabeth telling him to his face that she doesnt give him enough credit, that he’s pretty smart, I dont think thats enough for addressing this particular issue. There was a time in the middle that he almost snapped because he thought Annabeth probably thinks him too dumb to know what to do next. Which I understand is frustrating to him. But to be fair this book made him look at Annabeth for a solution a lot. Theres also little comments about how when he cant think of anything - which is every 60 seconds apparently according to him- he looks at Annabeth. This doesnt help the co dependent allegations LMAO. Idk, I will die on the Hill that Percy is one of the smartest people in the series, not just emotionally but also in strategy. And theres, of course, nothing wrong with looking at the genius strategist for answers. Ive mixed feelings because definitely this is more of a Percy-insecurity issue than an Annabeth-being-bossy issue. But okay. One more book, heres to hoping we get more heart to heart on that front because Im 999998% sure she doesnt mean to make him feel stupid, Percy’s just got a lot of demons to fight but this in particular they need to figure out together. Still, its obvious how much they care for each other still. If only Dave and Hana did not piss me off at the start Id probably be a little more lenient about this.
Annabeth’s fatal flaw also makes a comeback, we love to see it.
And Sally Estelle Jackson. Now we have to find out wth is Percy’s middle name cause if Sally has one odds are she gave her son too. Trust me. Im Filipino. Iykyk.
Lastly, while I will forever and ever and ever support the trio from pjotv (theyre perfect and have done nothing wrong ever) I can see Rick’s injecting their personalities into the books. Im not sure if he does this on purpose or just subconsciously LMAO. Some of Grover’s dialogue is definitely inspired by Aryan. Percy being Lanky? Walker through and through, especially with his growth spurt lmao, and Annabeth’s confidence? All Leah. I can see what Rick’s trying to do. Ive no opinion on this, just pointing it out. I do love love love the live action. Just. I can see you Rick. You aint slick.
So there. I probably would need to reread the book properly at some point.
#pjo#spoilers#wrath of the triple goddess#wottg#wrath of the tripple goddess spoilers#percy jackson#annabeth chase#percabeth
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