#which like if im gonna be real w myself
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GUESS WHO HAS A BOYFRIENDDDD
#Its me!!!#TOLD YA#god hes so cute#was leaving a party n he came out w me so ofc ended up making out and yapping gor an hour#and he was like well.... do u want to be my gf.....#and i was like......... yea......#i farted while we made out too idk if he noticed#IT JUST SLIPPED OUT I COULDNT HELP IT!!!#AND MY HOUSEMATE ALSO GOT BOOED UP SAME DAY#hers was a looooot more effort tho he put rose petals all over the bed#which like if im gonna be real w myself#wouldve been nice but i wouldve thougjt thats a bit much for a simple question#like thats the amount of effort i imagine for like. gettig engaged#its rlly not that much effort i suppose but idc id rsther it be a convo#even getting engaged ive always inagined a convo not a proposal yk#Stefan is his NAME#anyway stefan was saying how he was thinking like doing it while we were out on a dinner date#but considering how were both anxious . prolly best we did it in a mlre private manner#im a pretty private person#idk how to act so i get terribly nervous and embarrassed trying to react in front of others#likeill end up crying#and its not that serious#gd i like him so much....#he said he adored me ....#its so strange to hear these sort of words from him when i havent said them first#LIKE HES JUST THINKING THAT#omg?????#HE ASKED IF I ADORED HIM ANS I HESITATED AND WAS LIKE WELL THAT TELLS U.#but like to me adore is super close to love and im just obv not there#and i said that to him and he was like tru
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a redraw of the first drawing i posted here to celebrate the fact that ive been in tumblr for more than a whole year posting my shit and havent deleted my blog in panic yippee \:D/ (mushy rant in tags)
#i realised too late that it has been more than a fuking year (august 9)#and for context: ive had 3 different intagram art accounts and i deleted all 3 of them a few months before creating them. anxiety amiright#here it has been so different bc people are so nice??? it has been a pretty plesant experience here w all of u really#im so glad to have found myself in such a wonderful part of the fandom and amazing mutuals that i never talk to bc im shit w texting#the atention has been overwhelming ngl. i have over 2000 followers which. holy fuck???#it doesnt feel like a real number and for my own sake im nnot gonna treat it as one#like i apreciate the support and ppl liking what i do but im not here to make number go big yk? im here to connect w other humans#and yall have been amazing humans ^^ thank u for all the wonderful tags and comments and the support overall#it has been so cool sharing my art and finding other artist whom i respect oh so very much. some of them even follow me back wtf#i hope to continue being here for as long as i can and keep growing as an artist and sharing that process with other without fear#also my amy redesign actually goes so hard idk why i forgot about it nxnfbcncb#sth#sonic fanart#sonic#amy rose#nov.aart#nov.junk
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Do not question the logistics of the planetary system :) Also yes, Pluto is a planet TO ME. And I came up w these when I was a lot younger, so don't question them :)
Also idk if this factors into one's choice here, but each planet is ruled by a god(dess.) Maybe I should make a poll about their ruling styles one day lol
I'd say "please reblog" but this is very niche so! But if so, please explain your choice, I'm curious! Or comment
+ examples of some under the cut:
Lol a lot of this is older, don't judge :) And I also don't have ocs from every planet unfortunately </3 hopefully one day!
Mercury:
Venus:
Saturn:
Uranus:
Neptune:
(lol can you tell I have a favorite planet, I think prob at least 50% of my ocs are from here)
Pluto:
Unwanted:
(these are actually my oldest ocs that I still use, and I had to rework them to fit into my au thus: unwanted. Very important lore tbh.)
#have to bring up oc stuff every couple months so I can feel close to it#i love them still but nowadays its easier to come up w ideas for fanart#<- which is exactly why i didnt want to start drawing fanart in the first place but whatever#this poll is like when id ask people this exact question in middle school#you guys are my friends at the lunch table :)#its funny whenever i draw a self insert tho i always make myself from Earth. it just feels real to me#im like yeah id love cat ears! or wings! etc. but to be just human makes me feel unique and at home LOL if that makes sense#one day id love to put f1 drivers in my au. not actually. but assign them planets and draw them in it yknow#again tho its hard. maybe theyd all be from earth.#making this poll cause i was gonna draw fernando as animals but i got too frustrated so here is an animal type poll instead#ah anyways wish i did more w this au nowadays but its harder. which is annoying.#catie.rambling.txt
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okay it has been. Months. BUT i wanted to pop in since today is my birthday and let yall know how much i've appreciated the patience and kindness that's been shown to me this year 🫶 i am really proud of myself for getting here and i can only thank the wonderful people in my life for it 🤧 so lots of love from ME to all of you and also here's a picture of my fosters bc i Have been doing things in my absence
#*ajtxt#their names are fruitcake and moonpie and yes if you know me i Am bad allergic but its fine#more updates is i'm down to one therapy session a month and i'm now the office manager for my job. tho things are Real Slow rn#and ig i went blonde but it'll be blue. eventually. bc i dyed it blue in like september and decided thats my color#idk i'm just taking it day by day and its still not Easy but i'm starting to actually feel like myself again#which is again thanks to all the love and support 🫶 i love yall im so serious#im gonna try to post more in the new year just please continue to be patient w me#bc i missed out on SO much and its a little daunting#mwah
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lmao looking at her insta highlights was a mistake
#i feel worse WHY DOES SHE HAVE TONED MUSCLES UGHHH#also my confidence has gone down a tiny bit bc why is she hanging out w all these cool ppl#how is this girl simultaneously a lawyer and also has her social life on max like give me a break#thered a photo of her walking around in heaven either before closing or after opening shes sooo#HOWEVER. i just had a call w her yesterday that made me realise my idea of romance is more romantic than her idea of romance#but also that she doesnt want to do smth super romancey on a 3rd date which according to my friends is fair but according to my heart#it is not. like why are u on a date if u dont wanna do anything romancey at that point just hang out w friends#odd of her to say that too considering our first two dated were quite romantic . anyway#yo this cafe is playing persian music nice. anyway yh#also she makes being middle eastern so gay yk the goodbye fake cheek kiss thing we do . where u like . kiss the air on the sides of the#persons face when ur saying goodbye. ygwim . yeah she doesnt do the fake air kisses she gives u two tender kisses like . anyway#i discussed the stuff she does w my friend and like why r her words so aloof and her actions so...not . and my friends reaction was#basically this is fuckboy behaviour. apparently he used to do that to girls ?? like tell them he rly liked them#and be all charming and romantic even tho he rly wasnt invested at all and he mostly wanted to hook up. like ok#im gonna kill myself then. why would u stroke my hair w my head on ur LAP THEN. WHAT IF SHE TURNS AROUND AND IS LIKE#oops it was nothing#....ill kms actually. no i womt. but anyway#also got added to the gc w the other lecturers givjng talks on the 6th so its getting more real#my friend was like did u do the script yet :))) . almost died shes so scary i love her . but . fuck two exams . crush. talk. ucl cambrdige#three conferences aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA im so anxious i dont even feel anything atp#......I HAVE NO MONEY!!! TO TOP IT OFF#my crush and i are both iranian (aka born w extremely expensive taste woven into our genes) but i wanna like#treat her w the entire 2 quid in my bank account ig ♡♡♡#crushposting
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#hmm some thoughts for myself and anyone who is reading lmao#ok so#having options? objectively a W. that's such a good thing truly.#and there are REASONS i decided to seek out options in the first place.#there was a VERY crystalizing moment where an event occurred and i then DECIDED. to gather other options.#and yall im gonna be so real rn. ive been kinda not great about applying. it has been overwhelming#and im truly surprised and flattered that ppl have reached out to ME. that's WILD lowkey.#i submitted for a couple campaign job banks and applied directly to a handful of positions#and mostly have been fielding ppl reaching out to me from the jobs bank which again lowkey wild#and of course that's just to apply. that isnt an offer. but it is something.#so ive already turned down 2 jobs. i have anothwr job offer rn actively.#i have another Highly potential thing rn. will learn more eow.#and of course i could also choose not to leave. i have a job rn. i MOSTLY really do like my job.#i love the org. i love the people. what i dont love is all the fucking melodrama.#i hate that they made me apply for a promotion to then REJECT ME for a BULLSHIT reason. and try to hire externally instead like WHAT???#and im not exactly overconfident yall but i am fucking qualified for this promotion.#they turned me down bc their internal expextations changed and they wanna hire someone another level above the job itself which is so not ok#so like. that is largely why im like wow ok. time to go#but it also hurts to think about leaving. and i dont want to piss ppl off also. bc i DO value them.#so yeah that's hard#but like this is also the year to jump if i want to in my line of work. the year to move.#if i wait until next year im lowkey fucked. so like. yeahhhhh.#part of me really Really wants to go. but part of me also wants to stay and just chill a bit this year#🙃🙃🙃#i dont want to choose wrong. i dont want to burn bridges.#i also dont want to be in an unhealthy situation AGAIN. been there done that Never doing that shit again#but idk what is gonna be healthy vs unhealthy it's all such a fucking gamble. includes my current job#what do i want?? i want to be fucking HAPPY.#i want to be surrounded by friends and community and enjoy life and make an impact where i can for good#i want to get a dog i want to be paid enough to not worry about rent i want to eat good food and travel and see the country
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i think i found a way to work legally blonde the musical into a school assignment LMAO
#working on my autoethnography essay for sociology which. tugs collar. i really shouldve worked on more prior.#but i think im going to try and focus sort of on how performing arts has mirrored my identity as a trans person throughout the years#and um. teehee. legally blonde is a 2007 musical w music by laurence okeefe/nell benjamin and a book by heather hach based off the 2001 mov#it wont be much i think im just gonna title it 'take it like a man' and splash an explanation in there real quick IDK#autobio stuff wigs me out i never want to think about myself in any depth thanks
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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prefacing this by saying im fine and its whatever and im mostly numb to it. but it kinda fucking sucks that being gaslit about my own sexuality leads to… doubting my own sexuality lol!
#purrs#just went to my first ever lavender graduation ceremony and had a convo w my dad after that touched on the EXACT horrors lol like i need to#learn to not bring this shit up around my parents bc they’re just gonna say the same things. and also it doesn’t matter bc idc about labels#and (to quote ricky) it’s a conversation not a constant. but like fucking hell. just bc ive never ‘’’’’’been with anybody’’’’’’ doesn’t#mean that i can’t know im not straight. the HORRIFIC psychic damage that did to me 5 years ago this month. the way i can’t think about#sexuality or being part of the lgbtq community since and like before then when that happened i thought i was a lesbian and was gonna try to#get involved with the school lgbtq student union . like it’s so ficking stupid and sad. and i can’t trust myself anymore i can’t tell if#anything ive ever felt for anyone is actually real bc according to my (straight and biphobic) parents ‘crushes don’t count’ and i haven’t#even had a crush in months anyway and yeah ive never ‘been with’ anybody. but like god damn. you DO NOT get to tell me i have to call myself#questioning. yeah im questioning but only i can call it that and only if i want to. i get to know me. i get to call me what i am. which also#means i get to work through the years of psychic damage this thread of conversation coming from my own parents has done to me#but i own that. i want to own that. ive had the feelings i have had. maybe they were wrong and misplaced and maybe there are other ways to#interpret them like me jus t having projection issues and whatever. but they were real to me and are real to me and shape how i show up#every single day. i get to know myself. i get to call myself what i am. even though you’re my parents you don’t get to tell me that. and you#should be sorry for how fucked in the head this has made me and how cut off i have become from other people who have felt what i have felt#and from the parts of myself that felt and hurt and loved. like lolllll. i was in a good mood and then that happened and now my heart hurts.#delete later#like i don’t talk abt this shit anymore for a reason 🤪✌️ i am not involved in lgbtq groups or communities online or offline for a reason 🤪✌️#and it’s yet another manifestation of impostor syndrome too like. ppl wonder why im like this…. there is a very good reason 💖
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AA6 is very enjoyable again btw
#just fyi theres gonna be spoilers in these tags#so i kinda felt a low in 6-3 which is odd bc that's the Maya case#idk I'm also not a fan of Nahyuta#so each trial was kind of...sitting it out#like i get that Mean Prosecutor to Likeable Prosecutor pipeline is kind of The Thing#(except klavier)#but Nahyuta straight up mentally abusing you and insulting you with childish insults is just...idk#he's not even a good prosecutor lol#ANYWAY 6-4 was amazing and I wish Athena got more than just the one trial#she deserved more#Geiru was amazing and I came all this way just for her and it was worth it#i was kind of dreading 6-5 bc i knew it was gonna be long and Apollo centered and I'm....not that interested in Apollo?#dont get me wrong I *like* Apollo. and aa4 is a great game too#but you could tell in DD that they didn't know what to do next#so they shoehorned Clay in there and it was so inorganic that I couldn't bring myself to invest in it#but I love Dhurke. i love Apollo's dynamic w Dhurke. it's a bit of a stretch that Apollo *never* mentioned Khura'in before but I'll take it#SO ANYWAY investigation 1 has been REAL FUN#and I'm now in the trial and I'm laughing my ass off because I DIDNT EXPECT TO HAVE A NORMAL CIVIL CASE??#and also i went from 'oh cool im going against phoenix :)' to 'oh no im going against phoenix :/'#the moment he's in front of you he's immediately this mysterious hard-to-read attorney#it's consistent Phoenix characterisation and i love it#cant wait#also theyre all so super dramatic abt this like apollo and phoenix are now sworn enemies forever#besties it's technically Just a Case about legal ownership#i understand that there's Stakes but man#so uh...yeah i found the motivation to finish this game#and then I'll be done. I'll have played every aa game
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ughhh. i need 2 work on my portfolio.
#and my fucking portfolio website. guh. worst part of this is not actually working on art or anything its that because my Family and#Professors will b aware of it i can't use my like. actual name. lmao. i'll kill myself if i have 2 deadname myself about it though so i#think im just gonna bug my ma about it over coffee & go ohhhh i hate having my public information on the internet... i value my privacy i#don't want people to be able to find me and stuff.... was thinking about figuring out a pseudonym for my official art stuff....#which. she is so right wing privacypilled so that'll go fine i think. but i don't want any of my fucking. real life family 2 know SHIT abou#me so it can't be roswell. guh. i might go w/ marlow. important 2 me. + my middle name. do u guys know my middle name? its cute.#txt#anyway. hi.
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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#ive also been experiencing jealousy part 2#the good thing abt part 2 is i recognize the patterns#the bad thing is like the emotions LOL#jealousy part 1 ended but only bc i think my emotions like transferred to another person which sucks#its just alwyas whoever she spends the most amt of time with that isnt me#and like whoever my brain percevies she talks more to#or is talking to all the time#which with jealousy part 2 is kinda not completley false theyre like always stuck to each other#but i have to keep reminding myself they were always like this like even when i joined to some degree#the only thing thats maybe changed in the past couple of months is my perception of their relationship#and esp now that jealousy part 1 is over and i can see that relationship dynamic not tinged w romance its also like mroe of an idnicatory#that all of this is just perspective#but perspective is powerful and makes me feel like im third wheeling their relationship dynamic#yeah bc they see each other so much i was like duh its obvious theyre close i think that is also what kind of#lent to the disappointment of sharing a living space w her nad having nOTHIGN change like#it was a sign to me of oh nothing will really change how she feels#which is OKAY !! ITS OKAY!#im like so happy and thanful to have someone like her in my life as a friend#i just need to emtoinally believe that sighhhhhhhh#cuz shes gonna start dating eventually right i wonder if it'll be less painful when i KNOW shes into someone romantically#rather than now when im just making up the ppl shes into without any real evidence just hypothetical readings of her behavior
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i feel like this guy rn about "heart shaped box"
#you ever *get* the message something is trying to convey w/o being able to express what its trying to convey with words#bc thats been me for years at this point sdhjvfvghssdhvgsgfdhvhvgfsdhvgfsd#omg i just realized.... this is how i am w my comic........ which is why i struggle so much with outlines or describing why things#happen or are a certain way#im very much a.... 'visuals' guy rather than a 'describing' guy... its why im writing a graphic novel and not just a novel novel.#i can convey themes and symbols with my art but not my words#honestly i need to stop demanding myself to describe shit that i already know what it looks like.#like when im writing a script i dont need to fuckin describe the setting im gonna fuckin draw it once the script is done anyways#and no ones gonna see the descriptions but me aND I ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE-- ugh#i hate that i feel the need to do that otherwise im 'not a real writer' or whatever tf. like idk maybe i just create in a different way#than you do jackass#being both a writer and drawing/painting/comic/etc artist means i get to do whatever i want w my writing fuck you#maybe ppl who cant draw hafta use more words but i honestly dont fuckin need to so fuck off w your pretentious bs
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Also I know its very hard to be a 911 operator and like ur trained to keep people calm and collected and to reassure people on the line it will all be okay but when i had to call for what i thought was an attempted break in she did not help whatsoever in fact i felt so much more stressed cause i didnt believe a word she said cause she sounded so unsure
#so i used to have such a major fear of being awake and turning to look at my front door and seeing the knob turn and the one night it did#i was watching fucking mindhunter of all things and i heard something weird looked up at the door and the knob was turning#it was 2 in the morning and dark and i quietly but quickly got up grabbed my pepperspray and my bat and went to look thru the peephole#and its just some fucking dude in a hoodie and hes like looking down at the knob so i cant tell anything and i go to wake my mom up#so hard to wake her and then when i do shes no help shes whisper yelling at me and i end up having to dial 911 cause she wont#and ive been down this road i tell her everything so efficently and clearly and quickly and shes asking for description#and i tell her thats all i can give her i cant see him and im watching thru the peep hole on the phone like tryna prep myself best w my bat#just incase i gotta use it and then he walks away a bit and stops and like stares at the door and goes and like trys to do the same thing#on the neighbors door but no ome lived in either at the time#and shes like well do u wanna go outside and like ive given her a real description at this point im just kinda narrorating at this point#and im like no and shes like are u sure? and il like yeah and he left to the parking lot at this point and i gave her every detail i coulds#but i like honestly couldnt make out much if his face cause he was looking down mostly and had a hoodie on#he comes back to the door and is doing it again and at this point im like mother talk on the phone im just gonna be ready#and we have a deadbolt lock which im very greatful for so i feel decently confident they arent gonna get thru it#eventually he stopped and left and no one and come to help and so it was kinda just like okay whatever then a bit after#two cops show up and they're like hey is it this guy? and my mom went to look cause i had jsut gotten a ton of adreneline#and was tryna not to puke and it was and they ended up calling emts#it turned out to be like an older guy and they were like he might have taken something but they were pretty sure he had dementia#cause if i remember right they got a simillar call and it was also him and they said they were told at some point that#he used to live in the general area#so they took him to the hospital to get checkd out#but 911 lady did not help at all and my mom wasnt any help either so i spent a good 2 hours being like okay be ready to bed broken into
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damn are u me bc SAME (unfortunately)) and it's kinda eating me alive bc one of them has this super awesome bf that really cares about her and is putting in the effort to show it and yeah I'm happy for her bc she deserves the world but also I sometimes think about how I've always been alone and haven't even kissed yet and I'm like. am i not pretty or interesting enough for someone to put effort in?? and i feel bad about feeling envious lol but it's ok
FORREAAAALLLLL like god i love my friends i am happy for them but after having two like supremely toxic relationships its just like. well when will it be my fucking turn huh. and i FEEL u on the kiss thing bc neither have i <3 and ive definitely been pitied for it too.. YAY.
but like. ok maybe this is toxic maybe not but. i think being envious is ok? just as long as its kept in check. like you dont Ruin your friendship over the envy. is that toxic am i cancelled.
#like on one hand i am SOOOOOOOOO sick of seeing u guys be happy but also like. i keep that shit inside i dont take it out on anyone bc its#immature and childish and wrong. but my feelings are something i cant control yk? and on the other hand its like FUUUUUUUUCK YES I AM SO#HAPPY THAT U ARE HAPPY YESSSSSSSS TELL ME EVERYTHING!! and its just a very weird war for me to be waging. by myself. in my mind palace#like. my second gf wasnt great to me. my recent ex was DEFINITELY not good to me. the weird fling i had w a guy last year when i had an#identity crisis left me feeling used (if u know. well. u know.) so its like. am i just not fucking deserving ? am i not deserving of#something nice that feels like coming home? that reminds me i didnt even get to have closure on my last crush bc it was fucking spearheaded#by my fucking ex and well THEYRE still friends go fucking figure fuck you guys#like the last time i truly felt loved was back in 2019. im so serious. like. i know im loved platonically sure. thats great and i love you#guys too. but this cant sustain me. im getting lonely and im getting bitter and i dont have anyone to blame. like. not even myself. which#SUCKS. it SO SUCKS. like . i dont know. i want something real before i die. i dont have a lifespan like you guys. my condition will#literally probably kill me. and like. im gonna die not knowing true love. thats where im at. thats kinda what im reminded of seeing all my#friends this happy. because they live normal lives. i dont even feel like i Deserve love but i want it so bad#did you know my ex when we like first started dating was like what am i gonna do when you die. what would i tell the kids. like you just#fucking say that to someone you love? you make the fact that their disability will likely kill them into a problem YOU have to face?#do you see what i mean. i just want to feel wanted. without conditions#snail mail#lol i made myself cry. im so hot hot girl summer (chokes)
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