#IVE BEEN THROUGH IT FOR THOSE TICKETS AND YET.

[emails-i-cant-send]

I just wanna see the eras tour live in concert

[softspiderling]

✦ . * ocean blue eyes pt. IV | r.c

pairing: rafe cameron x reader

author’s note: ive been working overtime on the plot so just be aware that i am cooking. Also this part is very text heavy! Tagging @zyafics bc i don’t wanna be yelled at again and @ghostofwriting bc <3 Hope you enjoyyy

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

liked by sarahcam, gracieabrams, rafe and 1.924.812 others

youruser new york i have a surprise coming for you soon

view all 13.570 comments

ynbrazil I guess you're in New York today

➞ ynswift I don't wanna need you this way

ynalways 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

ynsboyfriend WHY NEW YORK AND NOT DETROIT

➞ samira_johnson … I think you know why

ynsbaby New York how does it feel to be mother’s favorite

➞ sunburninmiami *everyone’s favorite

↳ ynsbaby you’re so right😔

sarahcam 🤭🤭🤭

➞ youruser 🤫

empirestatebldg on the edge of the seat

allhailyn booking my tickets as we speak

ynylnsbaby PLS no more, I have FOMO😔

ynswift HUH?

whationlylistentoyn YN PLS WAIT I HAVENT BEEN PAID YET😭

➞ ynonly REAL😭😭

────────────

Your phone:

────────────

Sarah’s phone:

────────────

liked by sarahcam, popeheywardphotography, youruser and 982.083 others

loewe Kildare’s own Rafe Cameron and Cleo Griffith for LOEWE’s Summer collection 2024 campaign

Photography Pope Heyward

Creative Direction Carla Limbrey

Creative Partner Ollie Walters

Styling Scarlett Peters

Hair Lana Grubbs

Make up Kiara Carerra

view all 5.721 comments

kiecarerra absolutely breathtaking

➞ kiecarerra and Rafe is there too, ig

➞ cleogriffith 💘

suckerforrafe It’s Rafe’s world and we’re just living in it

popeheywardphotography my baby did that

➞ cleogriffith YOU!!❤️

rafeonmymind this is so COOL

cleogriffith 🖤

sarahcam ATE

rafefan OMG

allaboutrafe I would use those strings on his pants to *** ****** ** *** ***

➞ jjsandrafes girl….

youruser 🤩

❤️liked by cleogriffith and rafe

rafesgf Kiara Carerra as in the Kiara who was at Rafe’s bday party?

➞ raferaferafe not you again…

eloiseeee Pope doing the photos for Cleo’s shoot is goals😭

────────────

Cleo’s phone:

Rafe’s phone:

────────────

liked by rafe, sarahcam, empirestatebldg and 2.941.031 others

youruser so excited to announce that I’ll be playing a show at Times Square on the 7th of June! This is such an iconic location and I can’t wait to celebrate 1 billion streams with you 🩷 get tickets through the link in bio and story, & hopefully I’ll see you thereee🫶🏼

view all 12.921 comments

empirestatebldg locked and loaded🫡

allaboutyn kfkajaoasoaolgksoflggwpap

ynfancam God (YN) only gives his strongest soldiers (me) the hardest battles (not being in NY when she’s doing a show)

sarahcam taking over NY🗣️

➞ youruser🫡

ynylnfan Nobody talk to me😔

jimmyfallon Wait so you’re in the neighborhood? What if you pop in for a chat?🙂‍↕️

➞ youruser Let me check my schedule Jimmy🤭

kiecarerra AHHHH IM SO EXCITED!!!!

➞ youruser can’t wait to finally meet youuu🤍

whationlylistentoyn sobbing

sunburninmiami OMFG I GOT TICKETS!!!1!1!!

➞ ynnnnn4lyfe HOW😭 the tickets were sold out in MINUTES

➞ ynylnsbaby So happy for you😭

cleogriffith queen is taking over New York��

➞ youruser stoppppp😭😭😭

ynsgf this is so sick and twisted of you😭

➞ ynsunshine screaming crying throwing up😔

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

author’s note: tell me what you think 🙂‍↕️

[starysky1289]

Vanessa X Reader. Boba date

Note: if you feel like you have seen this before, you have. In my original account u wrote Boba date, I wanted to rewrite it here <3

The Holiday music buzzed around you, you sat in a small booth, scrolling through your phone as you waited for Vanessa. She had promised you a few days prior that you two could meet up at the local Boba Shop on her lunch break.

You looked out through the front windows, looking for any sign of that old cop car your girlfriend was assigned, and refused to give up. You always teased her about it, calling it her second girlfriend.

A few moments, you saw the black and white car pull in, you quickly got up to meet her at the door. Vanessa was still wearing her Police uniform, she must of raced here after clocking out for lunch.

“ Y/N! There’s my girl. I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long “

Vanessa purred, kissing you gently, letting you take her by the hand and walk her into the line of other people.

“ no, you didn’t! I missed you, I was so excited all day! “

“ I’ve missed you too. Hey, this one’s on me. You get whatever size, drink, and snack you want, ok? “

You smiled, squeezing Vanessa hand as you nodded. Vanessa was like one of those scary pitbulls in her uniform. Everyone in the shop was glancing up at her, a little worried she’d break her soft character and arrest some random person.

But that wasn’t your Vanessa. Your Vanessa spoiled you on dates, and wouldn’t do any work business unless absolutely necessary. You both finally made your way up to the Cashier, they cleared there throat before taking to you.

“ welcome to bubble boba, what can i get you two? “

Vanessa nudged you gently to order first.

“ I’ll have a large Fruit Punch Slush, with mango popping boba, and Blueberry muffin! “

“ I’ll get a Milk tea, extra tapioca beads please, and…I’ll do a peppermint chip muffin. “

The Cashier punched your orders into there screen, looking back up at you.

“ that’ll be 18.67, swipe here when your ready “

Vanessa quickly swiped her card through the slot, before sticking it back into her belt. The Cashier handed her the order receipt, and you both stood over to the side.

“ anything interesting happen at work yet? “

You playfully asked, Vanessa ran her fingers through your hair, laughing softly.

“ nope. Ives been handing out speeding tickets. I did see a deer earlier though, and nice big Buck, I’ll send you the picture later. “

You grinned again, as your order number was called. You both went up and grabbed your drinks and muffins.

“ let’s go eat in my shop. Just be careful, chief gets on our ass if we leave crumbs. “

“ I’ll be careful Nessa! “

You both headed out of the shop, you sat shotgun in the squad car, you were always amazed by how many buttons the car had. Vanessa would always talk about how each one worked.

“ hey, I get home late today, if you wanna start watching Love Island you can, just don’t spoil it when we watch it together, ok? “

“ it’s ok, I’ve got my own show I’m into, I know you wouldn’t like it, it’s about silly magic stuff “

Vanessa smiled, rustling your hair with her fingers. You both began to eat and drink your stuff, chatting the hour away. Vanessa tells you about the work place drama, and you tell her how you watched the neighborhood kids ride bikes for the first time, up and down the street while you cleaned.

At the hours end, You both got of of the car, you pulled Vanessa into a tight hug, gripping her waist.

“ I’ll miss you. “

“ I’ll be home in the morning sweet heart. “

“ but still…what if I just came with you and you kept me in the back! “

Vanessa only chuckled, leaning down and kissing you gently, pushing your hair behind your ears.

“ the chief would be mad, than he would make me lock you up, and you’d cry, and I’d feel bad. “

“ true. Promise you’ll text me when you can!! “

“ I will. I love you sweetheart. “

“ I love you more nessy!! “

You kissed her again, before letting her go. You both got into your respective cars, blowing playful kisses at eachother before pulling off. You were already planning the next Lunch date in your head.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HIII THABK U FOR THE TRIVIA AND ASHE SONG before i take forever 2 answer those or forget here is a blank ticket to please please talk about prime defenders and their AWFUL emotional literacy and processing skills i would literally love to read that essay so much ive also been thinking about it incessantly. big eyes staring up at u.png. ok ok peace out GOODNIGHT !!!! <33

i lied actually im not going to bed im judt thinking about this ans listening to St. John on a loop now. hello catkiss.gif i forgot how youve filled me with so much joy. that cat is so fuckign cute

anyway. hi :) prime defenders huh. this is gonna be less of an essay and more of a sleepy ramble but ohhh i have so many thoughts. they all process things so differently and none of them are good at it they all need therapy so bad. ms.g where is the hero therapy why didnt you build that into w.a.t.c.h ma'am

vyncent is probably the best at actually processing things out of all of them, he just internalizes everything to the point where he wont talk about it unless hes pushed past the breaking point. vyncent is actually very.. emotionally intelligent? i want to say mature but that feels like im singling him out because hes the oldest. i just feel like because he grew up on Fauna and had to be in basically survival mode in a world full of monsters trying to kill you.. that makes a person grow up quicker than they should. i think vyncent had a good childhood and for the most part his parents took good care of him but just.. living in that world doesnt seem like it leaves room for a whole lot of expressing emotions. vyncent is good at quick analysis of a situation, but unless a problem directly interferes with the current goal he doesnt externalize it to everyone else. but bottling up his feelings and emotions just builds up pressure over time until something like the lich makes him blow up and let it all out at once, usually in a dramatic monologue format bc condi is really good at those god damn it. also they played off the fact that vyncent said all of that to the lich and then missed his attack as a funny thing but i like to think of it as. he got too overwhelmed w his emotions and lashed out too soon it made his fighting messy. vyncent is so angry and honestly after what hes been through he deserves to be !!!!

william wisp. my boy. god hes just like me fr so much so that it physically hurts sometimes. anyway. i always think back to the scene where theyre all in the cabin talking about themselves/sharing backstories and william keeps desperately trying not to talk about himself. the fact that hes so ashamed of his powers he hides wisp form every time. two of his powers are LITERALLY a) turning invisible and b) turning intangible, usually as an excuse to leave whatever situation hes in ("accidentally" falling through the floor at opportune moments in season 1) . theres. a thing that happens at the end of episode 13/beginning of epidode 14 that youre really close to and i wont spoil yet but god it has to do with this so extremely much please come back to my inbox when you get there. youll know what it is trust me. um. yeah. so anyway. i think a lot of this comes from a place of. he doesnt want anyone to be scared of him. williams not stupid hes incredibly smart and insightful he knows his powers are objectively SCARY. hes scared of himself constantly, he doesnt want anyone else to feel that way about him, so he shifts focus whenever those aspects of himself are brought up because if someone were to think about it for any amount of time theyd realize the truth that hes scary and dangerous to be around (<< william logic. hey remember how one of the reasons he originally left deadwood was because the monsters there were attracted to the wisps and therefore Him so he left to keep his friends/family out of danger)

i think a lot about williams death and the immediate aftermath, i dont know how much you actually know and how much of this comes later but . how does he go home after waking up from that. his parents know about his powers, so they MUST know what happened. what do you think he told them when he god home muddy and dirty and broken and probably bloody after being missing for. god knows how long. how does he look his mother in the eyes and tell her her little boy is dead. but hes also not because hes standing right in front of her. how the fuck do you think he felt the first time he went into wisp form and saw his body laying there !!! of course he wouldnt want to talk about that!!!! youre gonna have to pry william wisps emotions from his cold dead hands !!!!!!!

dakota's response to the ashe situation was to run away in the woods and do nothing but train for 10 months. he didnt think about it for 10 months. i dont even have a whole lot to say about dakota other than like. stunned silence whenever his inability to process trauma is brought up because grizzly does such an incredible job at being like "you ask dakota how hes doing and his face is just blank" << paraphrased actual quote from an episode i cannot remember which one. either 11 or 12 ?

also because im thinking about him im including ashe in this. we didnt get to see a whole lot of his canon reactions to extreme emotional situations so a lot of this is just coming from My Mind but ashe seems like hed be the type to repress a lot of his emotions too. being alone in your house/in your room for extended periods of time will do that to a guy. i think he feels a lot of things and will probably very openly cry/scream/get angry when hes alone but as soon as he knows another person is there he can immediately flip the switch to turn it all off like nothing happened. very much a deadpan "im fine." if someone asks how hes doing, even if hes got like. the remainder of tear tracks down his face. cannot physically express his emotions in the presence of someone else

[fruityrituals]

birthday wish

phantom ghoul x fem reader

summary: phantom takes you to the fair for your birthday while in his human glamour. you both have a very steamy moment in the house of mirrors that make it the most unforgettable birthday yet. (that scene will be inspired by a scene from the book Haunting Adeline by H.D. Carlton)

cw: breeding, daddy kink, hair pulling, dom/sub scenario, public s3x

comment: in this fanfic, it is phantom NOT randy. I’m using a picture of randy because phantom will be in his human glamour. AGAIN, this is a phantom fic! Also, don’t comment on my punctuation, i know some of it isnt right but this isnt a book lol.

dedicated to jess. happy birthday!!

(18+) / MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

Ghost Masterlist

(divider below from @cafekitsune ) | pics above from pinterest

Today is your birthday and your ghoul boyfriend told you thank he is going to take you out to the fair. You have been super excited for tonight since he Phantom just came back from tour last night and your only birthday wish was for him to be home. Last night you both spent the whole night going round after round in bed until you were finally exhausted and knocked out, so today you both stayed in bed coming in and out of sleep most of the day. Around sunset is when you both finally get up to shower and get ready for evening. Phantom is taking you to the fair tonight in his human glamor and you're just so excited its going to be just the two of you tonight since you all always go out in groups with the other ghouls and their partners.

You both arrive to the fair around 8pm and you're starving. As you walk through the entrance after giving in your tickets, you hold Phantoms hand and say “Babe i just realized how hungry I am. We stayed in bed all day”. He turns his head and kisses your forehead “Im such a horrible boyfriend for not feeding you after the night we had last night”. You laugh looking up at him “Well to be fair we BOTH used all our energy so if thats the case, Im a bad girlfriend for not feeding YOU also”. He grins and pecks your lips then looks around “Uhhh lets find something to eat. It looks like theres a lot to choose from”. As you both start walking deeper into the fairgrounds, you see a cotton candy stand and point at it “Have you ever had cotton candy before baby?”. The ghoul looks over and shakes his head “No I haven’t, but that does look very filling. you need food”. You pout up at him “Please I want cotton candy”. He looks down at you giving you a stern look. He leans in closer, places a hand around the nape of your neck and leans in closer so only you can hear him, “I said you need food. You are going to be a good girl and eat a hotdog or something and only after you eat, you will get cotton candy. Understand?”. Your jaw drops because even though you know how dom phantom is, it always catches you off guard when he does things like this in public and it drives you crazy in the best way possible. You look up at him with sweet eyes and nod. He tilts his head to the side and raises his eyebrow, “Hmm? Use your words princess what do you say?”. You lean in a little more so only he can hear you as you say “Yes, I understand daddy”. He smiles and kisses you gently then lets go of you neck and slips his hand back into yours “Good girl. Lets go”.

He got you both hot dogs to eat and then got you some cotton candy. He tried a little bit of it but decided to stick to his fried oreos. You both make your way through the fairgrounds going on a couple rides and walking through a few fun houses then you see the attraction coming up with a sign that says “House of Mirrors” and you say “Oh can we go in there? Ive never done one of those mazes before, that should be fun”. When you look up at him, he has a smirk painted across his face and you know that look all too well. He starts toward the House of Mirrors pulling you along by your hand. Once inside, he has you lead the way through the maze. You were so concentrated keeping your eyes on the pattern of the floor while you held your arms out so you dont slam into any mirrors that it took you a few minutes of you talking to yourself to realize your ghoul boyfriend isnt following you. “Phantom?” you call out as you pick your head up and look around, but all you can see is yourself in every direction that you look. You call out his name again and listen carefully but hear nothing. The lights suddenly go out and you gasp, “Come on Phantom this isn’t funny!”. Your heart starts racing as you hold your hands out in front of you as you try to find your way through the maze until arms quickly wrap around your torso and phantom whispers “Boo” in your ear, which makes you yelp as you turn around in his arms quick and hit his chest with your hands “Fuck Phantom you scared the shit out of me!”. He chuckles as he leans cups your face and kisses you softly, “Im sorry baby. Let me make it up to you, yeah?”. You nod as he has your face cupped so he can feel you nod and thats all it took before he crashes his lips to yours and starts making out with you roughly.

You tangle your fingers in his hair as he pushes you up against one of the mirrors. He traces his hands down the sides of your body till he reaches your thighs, then traces his hand around the back of your thighs and lifts you up and you wrap your legs around his waist quickly and your arms around his neck. You are so caught up in the heat of the moment that it takes you a few minutes to realized that you are in public and someone could come around the corner at any moment. He pulls away from your lips and trails his kisses down to your neck where he starts to suck in that sweet spot that you like which earns a moan. Now you’re worried someone will hear you. “Um, what if someone catches us?” You whisper. He pulls away and you can see his face a bit once your vision adjusts and you realize theres some light coming from the bath of dotted lights on the ground that help you see him a little better. When you see the look on his face as he says “Let someone find us”, it takes you over the edge and you quickly starts kissing his lips roughly again. His hips press against yours as you feel his hard cock through his pants against your core. He slowly starts to grind his hips into you causing the both of you to moan out and you slap your hand over your own mouth. Phantom grabs your hand and shakes his head “Ah Ah Ah. Did I tell you that you can silence yourself?”. You shake your head and lean in kissing his lips and whisper “Sorry Daddy. Can we please go home? I need you so bad.” He shakes his head again “I’m going to take you right here and I don’t care who hear or sees”. The thought of having sex here in public in the house of mirrors makes you nervous but you trust him and honestly the idea of getting caught is exhilarating. He can tell that you’re turned on by the idea so he proceeds.

He places you on your feet as he undoes his pants and pulls his hard cock our striking it a couple times as a bead of precum already rests on the tip of his head. “You know I like to take things nice and slow at first with a little foreplay but we have to be quick”, with that, you quickly undo your pants and pull them down to your knees and figure the best position would be for you to turn around. You face your back to him, bend over and placed your hands against the mirror. He spits into his hand stroking his dick a few more times then teased your entrance as he lubricates his tip with your wetness and says “Fuck baby you’re so wet”, then thrusts into you without warning causing you to moan out his name loud. He starts thrusting into you at a slow pace for just a few seconds before he slips his hands onto your hips and grips them tight. With his foot he kicks your feet apart a little more and he starts thrusting into you hard then picks up his pace. You let out constant moans of pleasure as you bow your head down and bite your lip hard. He reaches forward and grips your ponytail in his hand and pulls your head back causing you to gasp. He leans forward and presses his lips to your ear as he says, “Keep your head up and look in the mirror so you can watch me fuck you. Understand? If you look down again, im not going to let you cum.” You let out a whine as you bite your lip hard again and nod, “Yes daddy”. And with that, he starts pounding into you relentlessly. You watch him throught the mirror as you feel your climax nearing as you thighs twitch and your stomach tightens. Youre trying hard to keep your head up but you lose that battle as you drop your head down for all of 3 seconds before he pulls out and says “What did i say?”. You groan and pick your head up quickly and look at him through the mirror, “Phantom please im begging you to fuck me again im so close. I wont drop my head back down i promise ill be a good girl please”, you look at him with pleading eyes. He smirks and wraps your ponytail around one of his hands as he uses his other hand to positions himself back to your entrance and thrusts in and picks up his pace he was previously doing, “You know i cant say no to my good girl”. He smirks as he tosses his head back and you let out moans that practically sounds like yells as you feel your climax quickly building up again. He feels you tighten around in and mumbles “Oh fuck” breathlessly as he continues his pace then says, “Im going to come baby”. You nod quickly “me too fuck”. Your high comes quickly as you reach an arm back gripping his wrist as you moan his name loudly and come undone. You're breathing heavily and trying not to collapse as he continues his pace into your sensitive pussy until he does a couple hard thrusts and cums deep inside of you with a groan.

He stays there for a few seconds before pulling out. He wipes up the cum that starts seeping out of you and with two fingers he stuffs it back in as you moan, not wanting you to miss a single drop. He licks his fingers clean then pulls your panties up then your pants as you stand up from your bent over position. When you turn around he already fixed his pants. He pulls you to him by your waist and places a deep kiss against your lips as you both let out a sweet moan. He pulls away and rubs a thumb on your cheek. You look up at him with a smile on your face “How did no one come in here and catch us?”. He throws an arm over your shoulder as he holds leads you out the maze perfectly and when you make it outside, Swiss is standing outside the entrance of the house and Phantom says, “I asked Swiss to stand guard since i knew he would be here with Kai, we paid the house attendant to be quiet about this and go control the lights”. You gasp after seeing Swiss and you look up at Phantom shoving him playfully “You little shit, you could have told me that so i would know we weren't going to get caught!”. He laughs “Oh you know you loved the idea of getting caught”. You smile and kiss his cheek as he wraps an arm around you shoulder. You both go home and the ghouls and their partners have a cake waiting for you. They all sing you happy birthday and as you blow out your candles you say “My birthday wish already came true” and phantom gives you a wink.

[alwaysxyou]

I think what's extra frustrating about this whole situation is just the not knowing when or why of it. Like I know it can't go on forever but there have been so many times where it seems like we're getting somewhere (bye bye Elevator) and then bam something else hits us. I just hate it for louis

i said i wasnt going to respond to this right now but im fired up now and i am going to answer it. none of this is about coming out none of this is about larry none of it is about being gay even! it's does louis know he deserves better.

you don't want to draw attention to your actual relationship - why do you need to even speak about it? answer questions with that you'd like to keep your private life private and that's the end of it. "oh you used to be so open? yeah i was a lot younger and now ive grown up a bit and realized i want to keep it private" any one who pushes it is labeled as an asshole interviewer. publicist listening in to every single non-live on air interview and jumping in to skip questions if necessary. only do live interviews with anchors and hosts you trust and have agreed to keep it professional beforehand. get the best media training in the business and have every possible answer locked into your brain.

you don't want people to think you're gay - why not? nothing wrong with being gay. but in any case, see answer above about not wanting to talk about your personal life and then turn the answer back to the fans "im not/i don't like to talk about my personal life but what matters to me is the fans and im so honored to have fans from that community." next question

"well he needs the publicity" well he's not getting any now. the only publicity from that stunt walk was talking about how young she was, or how quickly he moved on from e. how about louis at a charity event? the gossip sites post pictures of louis with f or stories he tells but want to know what else they would post in the same way? pictures of louis with a dog. or a lizard. or a hamburger. or shirtless!

also! where is the doc promo! or tour promo! where is the exclusive with first look photos and interview with day of tickets coming out? where are the ticket specials in the cities where tour needs to be sold more (buy a tour ticket get a free movie ticket)? where are the merch bundles (buy a shirt get a movie ticket voucher)? or just merch in general? where are the radio spots and the billboards and the bus stop ads and the commercials and the social media? radio interviews in tour cities? they wouldn't do a press junket yet but! and if no one brought those up why isn't louis or his manager saying something and asking for those plans and those rollouts? and if they aren't getting those or know what to ask for why aren't they hiring people to figure out what's not working and make it happen?

you don't have to come out, you don't have to reveal your relationship, you don't have to even elude to anything. but you do deserve better treatment, better promo, a better image. privacy, kindness, fans, general population respect. what might have been the way people did it in 2013 isn't the same as 2023. but all of louis' rollouts are stuck there. once upon a time for an artist, the worst thing you could be was gay. and even if that's not the case anymore, if that's still where your head is okay. you don't have to come out. but you don't deserve to be doing this shit or putting yourself through this either.

he got out of sony, he got out of modest. he claims to be the boss so goddamn put your foot down and take a fucking stand. if there's lasting contracts or whatever get the best lawyer out there and fucking take back what you deserve. and don't fucking settle for anything less. someone on your team has an idea you don't like? too bad for them, you pay them, you make the ultimate decision. and if they don't let you or try to fuck you over, you hire someone else. and do that again and again until you get what you want. life is too freaking fucking short to not be putting yourself into the best possible situations wherever you can. louis deserves that.

[callmelittlemephistopheles]

Simplicity (Copia x GN!Reader)

Going to a concert last minute with some friends, you think it’ll be just a fun trip. Just a few nights of laughter before you have to continue on with your mundane jobs.

And then you meet your soulmate.

Tags: Papa Emeritus IV x Gn!Reader, Fluff, Soulmate AU, First Meeting, Just horrible amounts of fluff really, Not Beta Read. Word Count is 2.4k

Hello! First fic in this fandom, decided to test the Copia waters with a very fluffy soulmate AU. Hope you enjoy! It'll be uploaded to Ao3 once I can make an account.

-

The concert wasn’t something you planned to go to originally. One of your friends had bailed on the group, and you had decided to go along. Putting in your share, not wanting to let your friends down. And it didn’t sound like a bad time. A couple of nights in a hotel, with a grand show for this concert they were raving about for weeks at that point. 

Initially, you meant to spend the night alone or explore the hotel. But after seeing your friends have fun and listening to a few songs, you decided to use the ticket and go with them instead of scalping it. They explained that the band was going through singers, the first 3 brothers, and then a member of the church they were in, you didn’t press the topic and let them explain little bits, only half paying attention. The Leaders were called Papa, with the newest one being the fourth and who was a Cardinal before he became Emeritus. 

“It was highly irregular.” They tell you while you wait in line to enter the concert building. 

“Was it?” You say, mostly so they continue to speak on something they clearly enjoy so much. 

“Yes!” Another friend pipes up. “It was this whole big deal. Apparently, the other brothers still aren’t happy about it. But they can’t do much when the clergy decides what to do.”

A third voice pops in. “They were Papas too, you’d think their opinion would hold more weight.”

You let them continue to discuss, listening to them a little while longer before you soon head to your section for the concert. Seeing them already have so much love for the band is helping you feel more at ease about it.

Though you weren’t sure why you felt off about it. 

It’s easy to not think about it after a while. Focusing on having a good time with your friends and it’s far better than the loneliness of the hotel room. Settling into your seats, watching the warm-ups happen. You had arrived early, to settle and let your friends tell you more about the lore of the band. 

“Oh, you see those guys!” One friend points over your shoulder, guiding your head to view several people coming out and taking places behind the instruments. They all appeared at first to be wearing the same outfit, but after a few moments of staring, you could see the subtle differences. Your friend’s voice was pressed to the side of your head, sliding into your ear. “Those are the ghouls.”

You blink. “Ghouls?”

“Yeah, that’s what they’re called.”

Your brow wrinkles, eyebrows pressing together as you glance back at your friend, who leans back now. “Do they have names?” 

“No. Well, not really. Fans have named them, but officially they’re nameless ghouls.” 

Turning back to the stage, you can feel the small pit in your stomach. That little form of doubt. Bands had weird little things about them all the time, so this shouldn’t have been too worrying. 

And yet you were worrying. There’s a tension slowly rolling out over your back, through your shoulders until your spine is rigid. 

It felt odd. An undeniable feeling that something was going to happen. 

It only grows when you see the crucifixes, and you glance at the friend to your right. “What kind of Church did they belong to again?” You weren’t religious yourself but the crucifixes didn’t look like the Catholic or Christian ones you’d seen in shows or on the news. 

They don’t look at you, smiling sheepishly at the stage while they avoid your gaze. You have to elbow them gently until they finally glance at you, looking slightly flushed. “Satanism. They’re a Satanic priest group.” 

You stare at your friend. 

They stare back. 

Finally, you draw your gaze back to the stage. It’s more just surprising than alarming if you’re honest. Religion wasn’t something you shamed, you were more just surprised your friends didn’t mention it. Though you supposed it didn’t matter, and instead as more of the crowd gathers around the stage, you settle in the seat. A nice view of the stage but not directly in front. 

The lighting effects start, and a few test runs with the strobing lights before the crowd is fully invested. You can hear the music starting. Strums of guitar before there’s a rift, and there’s shouting everywhere. 

And then you see him. 

Papa Emeritus the Fourth is wearing white face paint, with black details to give it a more skull-like appearance. His hair is thick and growing out, and even from this distance, you can see the silver starting to grow in through at his temples and sideburns. One eye is dark and the other is a pure white iris that seems to glow in the socket in certain light. 

He’s handsome, singing wonderfully and your chest is threatening to burst while your heart throbs almost painfully. 

What the fuck? 

All at once, a chill runs over you, frozen in your seat while your friends and everyone scream and cheer beside you. You can barely hear them with the sound of your heartbeat in your ears, pulsating in your neck so hard you can feel each beat. An overwhelming warmth fills your veins, and you find yourself growing more content the longer you stare at him. Your heart still racing but there’s something more. 

Something you never expected to feel. 

This is rare. This isn’t supposed to happen to you. It’s only supposed to happen in movies or for famous people. You’ve seen how it happens, in romantic stories before. Soulmates are rare, and yet, here you are. 

Staring at your own soulmate. 

There is no other explanation for this new feeling, so much deeper than any crush or basic attraction could be. A horrible longing forms in your sternum, and what had only been almost painful is now starting to crush the muscles in your chest. 

Gasping, you stand with your friends while they cheer, and without thinking about it, you scream with them. Desperate for him to look over here. 

He needs to see you. He needs to. 

“Papa!” You cry, only to be echoed in a sea of similar shouts. He can’t hear you over everyone else, focusing on singing and dancing around on stage. Still, you shout, cry out, because he needs to see you. The thought of him not seeing you, of missing you, it’s already starting to drive you mad. 

Enough to keep standing even when your friends sit back down, the one behind you attempting to tug you back into your seat. The song ends and you scream this time into the quieted crowd. 

That gets his eyes on you, a quick glance at first before he comes back not two seconds later to really look at you. Looking that quickly develops into straight staring, his lips parted and his mismatched eyes wide. 

There’s an intense, soft feeling now in your heart, unable to stop your smile from curling up on your lips. The pain is gone now, though you can feel the soreness already starting to form in your chest. 

The spell is broken when you’re yanked down into your seat again. “I didn’t think they’d be so into it.” One friend laughs, while you blink at everyone giggling around you before turning your gaze back onto Papa. 

He’s still looking, just for a moment longer before he turns to greet the crowd. It’s a quick few words about asses wobbling, and asking how everyone is. His voice is filled with mirth, warm and welcoming. And there are small flicks of his gaze towards your seating area. Constant enough to have your feet kicking slightly while you sit. 

Charming, you think, feeling a giddiness enter your chest to fill where the pain had been. He’s charming. 

And he’s yours. 

The show passes, with constant glances from Papa towards you. If your friends wonder why you’re suddenly so happy and into the show, they don’t voice it, simply happy you’re into it too. But the show is over, and though it was wonderful to watch, your skin is itching. 

Your soulmate is not even twenty feet away and yet you cannot touch him. Not yet. 

A mismatched gaze meets you right after he and his ghouls take his bow. From this distance, they’re unreadable, but you understand the weight of it. Holding you down in your seat as your friends rise. Even when he leaves to head backstage, you still remain in your seat.

“Hey, we’re going.”

“I know.”

There’s a furrowing brow. “So… Is there a reason you’re not joining us in getting up?” They break into a grin. “Did you enjoy that music so much that you need a moment?” 

“More than a moment.” And you smile back at your friend group. “I can’t leave. I have to meet him.”

That same friend’s brow continues to furrow, but another one’s eyebrows shoot up into their forehead. A wide smile appears that grows into something softer, and they approach you with a gentle hand on each arm. “You had a reaction when he came on stage.” A small pause and their smile turns gooey, “Did you… Is he-”

“Yes.” The giddiness, the elatedness in your chest is almost horrible. There’s a terribly happy feeling that’s spreading through your veins. A nervousness too, but it disappears far more quickly. Probably because it all seems rather simple now.

He was yours and you were his. Even if you didn’t even know each other by your names, or rather your real names, you knew. His eyes were burned into your heart already, and any loneliness you had felt beforehand feels so long gone. 

Your friend giggles. “I’ll explain to the rest of them then. You have your cellphone?” You nod, and they let go, standing back up. “We’ll be awake for the next few hours. Just in case you want an escort back to the hotel.” 

The rest of your friends haven’t figured it out, but the one who knows is shushing them, leading them away and out of the theatre. It isn’t long until you’re left in your seat, with security even walking past you. You watch as the backstage crew begins to pack up things, preparing everything for travel. 

He emerges from behind the stage, on the floor, in his sparkly blue coat and hair slicked back. In gloved hands, he holds two paper cups and his gaze remains on the floor until he reaches the stairs. Then he glances up, and you can’t help but beam at him. 

His approach is slow, letting you look at him more carefully. Despite an almost shyness to his steps, there’s a confidence there too, one that seems to grow while he draws closer. Until finally, he hovers above you, lips curled into a small smile. There’s a pause, just long enough for him to lean down and hand you a cup before he points at the spot next to you. “Is this seat free?”

“Reserved for my soulmate.” Your smile is turning into a grin, while he moves to sit next to you. That soft feeling only grows when you catch his gaze and you see the warmth and similar giddiness in it. You take a sip from the cup, just water, to try and calm yourself but it’s hard not to feel so happy. 

“I’m sorry I could not come sooner.” He relaxes into the chair, sinking in. His own sip is taken before he shifts in it so he can face you more. “The show must go on.”

“It must.” You agree, relaxing in your own seat. “Where are you headed next?” 

“Home, this was the last show of our tour tonight.” One eyebrow raises, though you can barely tell beneath the makeup. “I’m guessing you’re not a big fan of our group.”

You can hear the mirth in your own voice, that moves into his eyes while you speak. “Not until tonight.” 

When he smiles again, a wider curl of his lips, you realize you will never tire of it. Your heart is pounding in your chest, and you stretch your fingers out on the armrest. His eyes glance down at it, before raising to meet your own again. Slowly his hand outstretches, tentative but there’s a firmness in his gaze that lets you feel safe to slide your fingers against his own. 

There’s a sigh from both of you at the first touch. Though his fingers are covered, there’s a heat that spreads through your hand, up into your bones. it isn’t long before you’re shoulder to shoulder, nearly cuddling if not for the armrest between you. But it’s nice like this you think, moving to rest your head against his and he returns the notion with full affection. 

No fear, because you both simply know. Because this that should be so complicated is wonderfully simple because you both know and you both do not even attempt to deny it. A seed planted that is already beginning to sprout, to bloom into something much larger. 

And it’s with those thoughts that you realize you should ask something that you should’ve brought up right when he sat next to you. “Papa?” You ask tentatively, and he gives a light squeeze to your hand. “Is that your name or your title?” 

“Both.” He says after a moment of thought, his fingers twitching before he draws them back to lace with your own. “But you may also know me as Copia. It was my name before I became Papa.”

“Copia.” You let it roll off your tongue, tasting it for the first time. When he asks the question in return, you answer truthfully and easily.

He tests it out too with a smile before he sighs. “I will not ask you to come home with me, cara. That may be too soon.” You would if he asked, so you’re a mixture of relief and disappointment that he doesn’t. His fingers squeeze, keeping your own locked with his.“But, may I have your company until we have to part?” 

You raise his hand. In one of the earlier songs, he had serenaded and kissed the hand of a person in the crowd. Now you raise his and brush your lips along the leather-clad knuckles, in a soft amount of pressure that you hope lingers for a while. “As long as we have.”

By the time he’s supposed to leave, twelve hours from now, you will still be holding his hand while he calls to extend his stay by another week. He squeezes your hand and kisses your forehead when you extend your own trip shortly after his call.

With him at your side, everything became far more simple. And it would continue to be simple for years to come.

-

Hi there! Thank you for reading this fic. I'd love to hear thoughts on this given it's my first copia fic, so please reply/reblog what you think!

Also my askbox is open to requests for him while I get used to writing about him. Can be SFW or NSFW.

Thank you again for reading and hope you have a lovely day! ❤️🥰

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

real! I used to love her (ts) but she feels very different than she used to. I’ve listened to phoebe bridgers a bit, she was good just not the type of music I usually listen to. Boy genius and Lucy Dacus are both amazing tho. They for sure deserved to win Aoty, or sia

sorry for how long this got??? i just started writing and oh whoops....

anyway- THATS what ive been saying about her unfortunately. its like after folklore/evermore things genuinely changed because of all the fame and popularity. people werent criticizing her anymore and instead overly praising her.

which isnt bad! i do think she deserves praise over folklore. the marketing of it being a suprise album was very clever too. but i think before those folklore there was a sense of criticism that people had with her music that kept her wanting to innovate it.

i have a strong believe that social media's algorithms are failing artists to innovate pop music in the same way than 00's pop music did just because of how much less artists have to lose now with their brandings. i once again bring up artpop by lady gaga and how much she lost for her idea???? and now??? gaga was really fucking killing it. her music had such creativity and passion put into it that you can SEE her drive in that. (also to know i didnt understand artpop as an album until MUCH later in my life)

but taylors lack of needing to innovate her sound due to her popularity and lack of criticism really has just shown how much her music has come to decline in quality. if you see the transition between fearless and speak now. those two albums. she TOOK the criticism that she "couldnt write her own songs" and literally flipped that narrative to write that entire album herself. and to me? arguably speak now is MY favorite taylor album.

and the transition between speak now to red to 1989 to reputation. theres SO much that happened in that sense of time. theres different sounds that make those albums what they are. 1989 was such a creative endeavor for her because it was her first step into pop music. i think was also her first time working with jack? now people say her decline on music is his fault as a producer but i dont believe his role had gotten bad until midnights. (i saw people discussing clairo's sling album because he produced it. but THEYRE WRONG. SLING IS GOOD AND HIS ERA OF BAD PRODUCING HAPPENED IN 2023(?) i forget when midnights came out ugh thats how many taylor albums we have gotten ffs)

but the breakaway and challenge 1989 gave really set up for reputation. she disappeared because of all the hate. and i think while I DONT SUPPORT that type of treatment because no one should go through that type of mental low... that really set her into a space to create more fluidly and with more passion?

lover- people will say was a flop.. and ill admit too... cruel summer?? shouldve never ever became a single. it was better as a hidden gem. but lover was good for the majority of songs!! there's still passion in it.

it was just that after folklore/evermore it felt very.... underwhelming and not like her at all. the quality slipped so so off the page. it just feels very recycled and unnecessary. especially like i said the fandom doesnt help with overconsumtion and she really truly should use her platform for more. the economy being in shambles and yet she wants to charge $700 for a concert ticket. (nothing bad if like someone WANTS to go but its genuinely ridiculous because inflation shouldnt BE like that).

not to even cover merch??? why is it so high?? shouldnt you want it to be accessible to your fans since you have so many?? vinyl prices are ridiculous but WHY is a hoodie almost $100. im sorry but like why 😭. cant we just charge $60 again?????

anyway all that to say that after the evermore era her music genuinely slipped off. im just thankful that the speak now rerecord didnt get BOTCHED as high hell. i have opinions about the vault tracks because the entire reason was to include tracks from that era and yet its like your smearing shit onto a perfectly wonderful painting and saying "look yall!! i added to this!!" wrong. wrong wrong wrong. idk. 1989's vault tracks just made me mad. it felt so unlike the vibe of what 1989 was???? and slut was NOT written at the time of 1989. come on.

timeless though off of the rerecord for speak now.... i will defend that one with my honor. i genuinely am glad speak now's vault tracks didnt get horrible treatment. i like that she kept the solo writing with the entire album. adding on fob and hayley's collabs as a callback because i really remember seeing videos of her singing sugar were going down and thats what you get during the speak now tour. it just felt like a full circle moment for that. fob's collab couldve been better but im glad it wasnt like... bad.

stilllll think matty's collab couldve been iconic on slut. even if i hate 1989's vault tracks as a whole... the 1975 does have good music. I KNOW. controversial yeah. anyway. hes got talent tho.

i found phoebe during 2020 when i was listening to a bunchhh of different artists (the 1975 too yeah). but punisher found me and i used to not be able to sleep due to anxiety/insomnia back then and i would listen to that album for months to just SLEEP.

i have a closeee bond with it. its like my favorite if not a close second of my favorite album of all time. its just really interesting?? also really valid that its not your type of music either. i just hold her stuff close. also did a english assignment on smoke signals' lyrics. i remember that. i got to say "fuck the cops" in the assignment and felt very proud of myself LMAO.

in terms of lucy- i for some reason never have gotten around to listening to her stuff?? even though i know i need to and should?? i just always somehow forget. many people have told me to but oh man i forget.

glad we can agree that they deserved album of the year btw.

sorry for the LENGTHY reply but yeah!! i might be forgetting to talk about something but askinf about my special interests (music) will always give you a lengthy answer.

[squashwurmz]

ent. 2

today is saturday, aug 31, 2024.

i am home alone right now. i havent been keeping track on here much since i attempted to collect my thoughts writing actual pencil on paper, but today i found out my mom went through my room and found them! so.. we're back to tumblr <3

i think she went through my room cause she suspected i was smoking, and she might've found my stash, lol. i just wish she'd stay out of my business. i don't get why it's so hard to understand. 2 more years until i can get as far away as possible.

we had a fight a night or two ago and ive been kinda giving her the cold shoulder since. she tried to talk to me about it yesterday picking me up from school, but i reallyyy don't want to talk to her. i dont want to talk to any actual people about it. i dont like being home very much. i know im very priviledged, especially with having both parents. those were my private thoughts.

i miss my friends. the weekends are getting harder and harder to deal with. i honestly dont have much going on at school right now anyways. to me, its just time to spend with people who i can actually get along with.

i finally wrote my inquiry for my portfolio! it still needs some touching up, so i wont share it here yet :P fun news is that we're gonna start actually working on stuff soon so yay!!!

i also decided i dont really want to go to homecoming, so i might just spend the night with one of my other friends. we'll see, since tickets are sooooo expensive!! $120!! i hate here lollolooll

anyways, thats it for now. bye bye!!

[woodswolf]

Me before attempting to write Olimar again, one year ago: "Okay, this'll be interesting. Writing a character who isn't severely fucked up on two or five levels (but will be by the time I'm done with him). This will be nice a little experiment for myself."

Me now, having catapulted down the character study rabbit hole as I tend to: "Oh dear god, wait a minute: this guy is as deeply fucked up on the level of whom I usually write for! And I don't think that was my fault for once! I've been deceived! What the fuck?!"

(TL;DR: Your tags and ramblings made me Think, thank you. I'm certain you are having a blast tearing him to shreds in some terrible way I've yet to think of myself lol.)

(RE: all of this shit probably)

i have only really truly known this guy for a bit over a year and every little bit ive learned about him has only pushed me ever deeper into this endless well of fascination with whatever the fuck is wrong with him. this guy is a pathological liar as a method of self-soothing. who DOES that. how the fuck did he arrive in this scenario.

really when you get down to it olimar is like, perhaps one of the most depressed characters of all time, it's just that he's carefully crafted a presentation of symptoms that very cleverly hides this from both the audience and himself. this guy is literally miserable. he viscerally hates his boss and is frustrated with his coworkers where they're even relevant. he has somewhere in the range of mixed feelings on his job but generally wishes that it allowed him more time with his family. his family, which has so many undeniable problems it's difficult to even list them. where to start: his kids? his wife? his parents? every happy memory he has involves his family and most of those memories are brief glimpses at Connection that otherwise seems so absent from the rest of his life. he's a middle-aged man with a house and a yard and a wife and two-kids-and-a-dog and probably a white picket fence for good measure. he's ticking all the boxes that he was raised* to think were a one-way ticket to happiness. so why is he still so lonely? why isn't he happy? what is this general malaise that's hanging over his entire life? what's wrong with him?

(*whether or not he was actually raised on a variant of the american dream is a really interesting question but honestly not relevant here. there's a lot of interesting evidence in his logs supporting something more nuanced, but again. irrelevant)

and olimar's answer is that Actually! there's Nothing wrong! he's perfectly fine and perfectly happy and perfectly satisfied with everything in his life. nothing is wrong and he's perfectly happy and even if he weren't (which he is!!!!) he still has so many things that would make up for it. he has so many good memories that are just his that he can hold on to as hard as he possibly can for as long as he needs to until he feels better. he can write them down and read them back as a reminder until it sticks in his brain that He Is Happy. There Is Nothing Wrong. He Is Happy And There Is Nothing Wrong. because he did everything right, didn't he!! he made his choices and for the all the love of everything he holds dear he is going to stick by them. because he needs to. because if he doesn't, where would he even be?

and then this guy has the worst "vacation" of his entire life (DEFINITELY another blatant self-soothing lie btw, you CANNOT convince me that this guy would spend any more time away from his family than he absolutely has to what with his career) and the cracks actually kind of start to show. because he is very quickly launched into the worst series of circumstances he's ever experienced. and through it all he's just!! completely fucking Normal about it!! utterly fucking accepting of any outcome that happens to him because he doesn't feel like he really has any control. like he ever had any control. he should have fucking died. even before the thirty days are up he's just passively accepting of whatever happens. there are tons and tons of treasure descriptions or other entries where he expresses very explicit passive suicidality through things that could be jokes or offhand comments but really don't read like that. pikmin 1's entry for day 29 reads more like a reminder that he should at least try to not let himself die than an earnest attempt to actually do so.

and it's like, if he does survive pikmin 1, what does he even win? ever-increasing stakes at his job and ever-fewer ways to pretend that everything's fine. an ever-brighter flashing neon sign reading QUIT YOUR FUCKING JOB that he has to try increasingly hard to ignore. the job that keeps sending him back to the planet that almost killed him. the job that keeps sending him back to the planet where he barely survived by only his wits and the skin of his teeth. the job that keeps sending him back to the planet where he will die, because no one was supposed to save olimar.

and through it all you can see! you can SEE the way he gets increasingly stressed out as things go along. but he's still just going along trying his damnedest to pretend that everything is fine and he is happy and he doesn't need any help, that he shouldn't be trying to make an exit as quickly as he can and to maybe ask his wife to pick up a job so they can be a dual-income household now that their kids are a bit older. he doesn't need to be looking for anything better because he has the best he's going to get right here, and isn't that wonderful? shouldn't that make him happy?

and it's like, the way things are going he's never going to get there, and on some level he knows that. but olimar's whole fucking deal is that if he can't solve something he's going to throw himself at the problem over and over until either it gets solved or his skull splits open, a pattern that is only reenforced by the events of pikmin 1 and 2 and 3. so he knows that he's never going to be happy, but he's going to try this impossible task of being happy over and over until he either fakes it till he makes it or something kills him. so far it hasn't worked out for him, but maybe the NEXT time he blows up at somebody for no reason because he just can't take the stress of it all anymore!

as it turns out i have no idea how to end this, so on a tangentially related note: olimar is not a biologist by any standard and i will die on this hill. ALL of his piklopedia entries are creative writing exercises and i can ALMOST prove this. but that's a whole other post honestly. just kind of adds to the whole thing about how much olimar lies to the reader and himself.

[sand-lily]

I JUST GOT MY CoE!!!

(like just now now)

they still didn't tell me when my training date is, where my hotel is, when i can check in to the hotel, or APPARENTLY how long I'll be staying

(my contract says 1 year, but the CoE says 3years,, so idk what to put on the application , if they dont answer by Friday I'll just put 3years, then i wont get in trouble if i do renew the contract but it wont be an issue if i only stay 1 year)

im NOT buying another hotel if i can help it, SO i do wanna know when i can check into the training hotel so i can buy my plane ticket for that day and put that as the arrival date on the application, according to maps and reddit the shinkansen is only a few hours to the city i need to be in from the airport, so im taking that instead of doing a layover in japan,,

so i need to know WHEN i can check in so i can do the math to know WHAT flight to take, and since im technically losing a day across time zones, thats going to be hard for me since normal time math is ALREADY hard for me

i already have the passport photos, i already have the envelopes, i already made the shipping labels (just gotta print them), i already signed the disclaimer (gotta print), I already filled out the application minus those 2 things im not sure about (and gotta print),,

so my plan is to go to the library and print all the stuff at once, and sign it at the library, then go from there to the post office to drop it off, and then from there back home (shit has to be planned when you don't have a car and public transit only comes once every 2hrs)

the CoE is valid for 3 months from tonight, so im HOPING they want me there the last week of june or mid july so i can pack up my apartment, call my bank, get an esim card for my phone company (this is the only phone number I had my WHOLE LIFE and I don't wanna lose it so i MIGHT pay for international data to keep it), take care of my pets, break my lease unfortunately, get a transit card (apparently you can buy them online BEFORE going to Japan and have it shipped to you),

and quit my new job i JUST started last week unfortunately,, ive only done training so i dont even think i can put it on my resume, HOWEVER, i did pass CPR + baby CPR so i can put that on my resume if they have the certificate on file (idk if they filed it yet)...but if i have another month, I'll be able to have childcare IN A SCHOOL experience (asst teaching)

ig i WONT be able to save up to pay off my credit card, or get my hair braided, and i WONT be able to afford business class like i wanted,, i just hope i get a window seat, i WILL NOT sit in the middle if i can avoid it, i also dont want an isle seat just in case i sit next to somebody who doesn't speak English and they feel nervous about asking me to move so they can use the toilet... i really dont wanna talk to ppl like that

i also also need to look for headphones with a type c connector, because i heard those exist,, my Bluetooth headphones dont work very well on airplanes and i MISS wired headphones severely (i WILL NOT take them out of the box until im at the airport tho, i WILL NOT risk losing them before the flight, as i tend to do)

i also also also need to go through my music library and delete the songs i always skip and add in the new ones ive been playing on repeat via YouTube, im NOT paying for plane wifi , i also x3 need to figure out how to download Libby books like PDFs since i cant use libby outside of America and i want to keep reading books on the flight

ig im un-makeovering my apt tomorrow, time to put doors back on hinges and remove contact paper and fill in nail holes and everything,, it took me like 3days to do everything up and i did it with a butter knife instead of a screwdriver, so it should take less time to undo it with my new electric screwdriver ,, i think my sister is going to try and steal my bedframe, shes already laid dibs on the couch

they BETTER NOT charge me ANY fees considering i paid a TRIPLE deposit to move in here without a cosigner and thats the whole point of a deposit

anyways i got a lot to do tomorrow, so i gotta go to bed at a REASONABLE HOUR, NOT 2AM

and if anybody wants to help me pay off my $1400 credit card bill (ive been using it to pay rent and buy groceries since nobody wants to hire me, unemployment is only enough to pay the minimum + my phone bill so i dont get late fees)

here are my PayPal and cashapp,, im not good at art AT ALL, but if yall want commissions for something so that i can earn the money (i can only do traditional art), I'll do that too,, or i can proofread something? creative writing is actually my forte believe it or not

anyways

cashapp: https://cash.app/$firellily

(the pfp is a pic of my cat)

[epaily]

fuzzy and the terrible horrible fuckass testday he did NOT wantt to to but had to anyway

I DID NOT FORGET I PROMISED

reader bewarb this this shit is long may or may not be hard to follow because i talk about (my) degree jargon

ok lessgo

to begin. you need context. theres an organization (one for every country im assuming) that issues tickets stating "X CAN WELD" or else some schmuck with a helmet can walk in and work.

theres a ticket for every process in every position and then some. it was these tickets i was testing for today and i was WILDLY unprepared. it isnt the first time ive done them but i was super out of practice. they are flat, horizontal, vertical and overhead.

so cut to february, the last time we did tickets. remember when i wanted to end it all because i failed a test i spent a hundred dollars on? yeah this was one of those. i failed my horizontal so this time around i thought "i dont wanna do my fuckign horizontal cause last time i failed and i felt like shit so im gonna do my vertical instead"

what no one told meeeee was that you have to get your tickets in position order. and i KNOW i take forever and a day, hence me only doing one.

well i didnt do one. i did two. i have no idea if i passed or failed them and tbh im too scared to check because i was completely out of fucks two beads into my vertical.

but lets not get ahead of ourselves.

the test sheets had to be reprinted twice because the first go around they missed imputting someone into the system and the second time around someone got lost, and then got registered twice. great lovely. so because of this all of our test plates were wrong because we all got new assigned numbers.

we finally get our sheets we go and pay and while im in line in the bookstore to pay for my test (remember this) guess what fucking hit me. the cramps i had spent all night hoping for. at 8:30 in the morning. litterally 2 hours behind schedule. i was FURIOUS. so now i had that to deal with all day thankfully ive had worse but because they didnt arrive on time i have full permission to bitch as much as i want.

so back to the shop. i was trying to set my peremiters for my vert so i hadnt even started yet when my instrucor pokes his head into my booth and says "(tester) wants to see you" so i go and thats when i find out that you have to do the tests in order. so i tack and stamp up some new plates which was probably the least annoying part of the whole day

so i do the new plates first. welding it out goes relatively fine. it took forever to find an instructor to verify it but whatever.

AND THEN I GO TO GOUGE THE BACKING STRIP OFF.

i could not. for thee fucking life of me. unscrew the cutting tips from the oxy torches. ive seen people do it. ive done it. it is Not Hard. i used a wrench n all on all 3 tables and it would Not Come Off. so i said to hell with this and went to the carbon arc room.

carbon arc cutting is using specialized electrodes to vaporize metal. you drag it over metal and it carves into it. fast and easy.

but i of course had a hell of a time doing it like i do anything and it was Not Working. by the time i did figure out what i was doing wrong there were carbon deposits coming out the yahoo and it which are difficult to gouge through. so i had half of it very nice and the other half a melted amalgamtion of metal and didnt gouge very much off. great.

so i finish that. away i go back to my booth. to grind for the next i dont even know how long because oh my fucking god SO much grinding. im not big enough to use the 7 inch grinders so i have to use a 5 inch one which is yk what let me just show you

these are all cordless but you get the fuckin gist.

what everyone else got to use vs what i got. dying.

so i finally fucking got it flush. cut it. not a big deal. onto the second one at 1:30. i feel like i should mention that at this point everyone else has been done for like two hours.

i didnt even start welding until like 10ish so i was already 2 hours behind everyone only doing one plate. most everyone else did 2 and so did i BUT I ONLY WANTED ONE

my vertical was so bad i was way too hot and shaking and i didnt put them in in a very good order i would genuinely be surprised if it didnt snap. i needed a practice one but i had No Time so it was messy and the cap was large and my rods were sticking so i was frustrated aND OH THATS SOMETHING IM FORGETTING

some electrodes need to be baked/stored in an oven to keep moisture content low. when i ran out i went to get more and the oven was empty so ithought i'll be a good samaritan and fill it up AND I GOT THE BOX THAT SAID. 3/32ND. MATCHES THE OVEN. AND I OPENED IT. AND IT WAS THE WRONG KIND OF ELECTRODES.

and once you open these they cant be resealed they need to be either used or cooked within 4 hours.

so i started stuffing as many electrodes into the oven as i could and in my haste i sliced both my fucking hands open. i didnt even notice the cut on my right palm because the one on my left pointer finger was just gushing blood all over soaking my glove and getting over the electrodes (absolutely my fault btw i should of been wearing gloves. i deserved this one) and so i stopped and said i need to handle this. so away i went. bandaged now all good. just again. annoyed. and i still didnt have any 7018s.

i found some. eventually. fuck.

i finished my second test at idk 2:30 or maybe a bit later, begged one of the instructors to mill the back off for me because i was NOTTT doing the carbon arc/ grinding for forever again. once it was done bc time crunch i p much just got to look at and get excited over the smooth mill peices before my instructor whisked it away to grind/cut himself. which - i understand completely time crunch im slow i get it im not bothered.

and then we cleaned up. and i was talking to the tester a little bit before i left and he said "glad you paid because theyre checking who didnt hoho"

now. guys. recall at the start of the post where i said that 2 tests are a hundred bucks. and i only paid for one.

i did one of my tests for free afusdiaksoqondiakdka. he said he'd get the paperwork later and he never did 😭

then. fucking FINALLY it was 3 and i got on the bus and came home and i was so spent i had an alcoholic freezie. i dont drink.

i should of fucking stayed home.

[fk-hd-the-bandit]

I didnt know i had nighmares until two years ago. It was only when a coworker asked and i mentioned then that i dont have good or bad dreams, theyre just dreams, theyre just movies and when you leave the cinema the difference between you and the screen are minimal while squinting at the glare of popcorn ads. Clutching to anything to seperate yourself from the story. He asked if they were stressful and i said of course! Its a story! Its a weird check in where nothing matters it just so happens that i am crawling from the same tsunami and the sand banks fallen in again and again. But a story ends and i am left clutching at my blankets looking for the retro patterned carpets. He tells me those are nightmares. But what about the countless nights i try my best to avoid? The streets i know off by heart in lucidity. I am my own suburb and yes there was always trouble but never in the same way. 

The hardest part about lucid dreaming is trying to catch the bus.

By the time you squint hard enough to read the time you are already in a new place and never where you wanted to go. The hardest part about lucid dreaming is theres no ticket stub in the jacket pocket proving it was never real. So i buy creams for warts that never existed and poison for ants that were never there. I drink and smoke to avoid dreaming all together but surely there were never nightmares. For a month every year i dream of cows dying, decaying, chopped heads falling in to a hole that grinds them out of my perception. I wake up in a sweat but surely thats just how the cookie mumbles. If i were to have nightmares they would of started long before i understood the word itself. Waking up each night running to my parents room to be told theyre just dreams. It doesnt matter. Nothing really matters. The wolves that chase through primary school hallways are just metaphors and yet when bit i still felt it when woken. Dreams are dreams are metaphors are similies are ways to process and dream of other things. When i dream vividly and lucid i refuse to take control of the video camera. Im no director or film maker or best boy. Im the audience to my own subconscious and delving into their work has only left me nauseous. I avoid myself consiously as ive grown quite fond of almost reality. My psych has allowed me an ounce of delulu as he says its the only way we survive somewhat happily in our current world. The crack between my cunt and my thigh often smells like polony. Ive never been good at sleeping as ive never been too fond of scary movies. But theyre movies none the less and they end. Please tell me they end. Ive learnt my world and dreams are both nighmarish and i am left looking for the crack between my cunt and my thigh. Its a truly weird thing to live in different worlds and still sustain this timeline. Minding my own damn business. Its that time of the year.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

David Horsey, The Seattle Times

* * * *

Great democracies don't fail when they are tested. We haven't before, and we won't this time either.

LUCIAN K. TRUSCOTT IV

DEC 7, 2023

Have you ever thought about the role guilt has played in our national life?  It’s not omnipresent, it’s certainly not felt by everyone, most especially those sinned against, but I would say guilt rivals pride as the thing that has most motivated us.  Think about it for a moment.  The founding of this country wasn’t an immaculate birth – for one thing, there wasn’t a Founding Mother among all those long-heralded Founding Fathers, and one of the two greatest mistakes they made the day they came to an agreement on our founding document was what they left out.  They didn’t award women full citizenship, and they failed to deal in any way with the sin of slavery.

But an important portion of what makes America exceptional is how we have endeavored to fix our mistakes.  We have yet to make adequate amends to the Native Americans who were here before we were and were systematically murdered and kidnapped and abused as this country spread West before and after its founding.  But in fits and starts, we’ve been trying – some of us have, anyway – to make amends. 

Out of the frying pan of the abject mistake of slavery and into the fire of the Civil War went our first attempt to deal with what we may as well call our founding errors.   It took a century that included decades of Reconstruction and Jim Crow and tens of thousands of dead black bodies and burned-down churches and homes and seized land and wealth until the moral clarity and power of the Civil Rights Era forced us as a nation to begin to repair the damage we had done to our fellow citizens who were Black.  Even then, the passage of the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Act faced massive resistance.  Laws against segregation had to be enforced in some cases by armed soldiers to be carried out in schools and colleges in the South.  We stumbled through fights over busing in cities like Boston and neighborhoods like Canarsie.  White flight from cities across the nation – Detroit and Baltimore among them – damaged tax bases, hurt schools, and let’s not forget the continuing PTSD of having been on the receiving end of the racism behind it all.  How would you like to have been a Black family that moved into a white neighborhood anywhere – South, North, East, or West – and watched the “For Sale” signs go up around you and the schools to which you sent your kids nearly empty of white kids?

And we must not forget what this country did to its women.  It took until 1920 and the ratification of the 19th Amendment to the Constitution for women to get the right to vote.  That is more than 130 years that women were what is commonly called second class citizens in this country.  But I would go further:  the everyday work of women was used to build this country. By giving birth to new citizens, women, alongside immigrants, created the population that made possible the formation of territories and then the new states that would comprise the United States of America – all 50 of them.  When men went off to war, women stepped up and did every single job a man had done in their place.  And what did they get in return?  For decades, a one-way ticket back to the kitchen and the nursery.  Women had to start an entire new movement, the Women’s Movement, to begin the long process of realizing some modicum of equality with men in the workplace and in the home, and as we all know, it’s not finished.  Women earned 57 cents for every dollar earned by men in 1969.  Today, the gap has closed to women’s 80 cents for every male dollar, but jeez, 23 cents over 54 years?  That’s an improvement of only a half-cent a year.

It would take a lengthy book to discuss gender inequality in the eyes of the law.  Before the Women’s Movement made rape an issue with the publication of Susan Brownmiller’s epic “Against Our Will:  Men, Women and Rape” published in 1975, complaints by women that they were raped were often brushed aside by police and prosecutors.  It took decades for laws to be passed against using women’s sexual history against them in rape cases.  Women are still dealing with inequality on college campuses on countless grounds – how charges of harassment and abuse are dealt with, inequities in sports, inequities in employment of women by colleges and universities.  And practically every time women have thought they have secured a right they have fought for and won, it is either challenged or taken away altogether, the right to abortion being the prime example.

We have made great strides in the rights of LGBTQ people, but with the right wing attacking trans people and forbidding the teaching of LGBTQ books in schools, we’re not finished.  We’re not finished with any of it – with how we treat Native Americans, Blacks and other minorities, how we treat women, how we treat immigrants…we could go on and on and on. 

The only people who haven’t been crapped on in the 236 years of our history are white Christian males, and now with God only knows how much of the nation’s wealth and land, they are whining about being discriminated against by the people on whose shoulders they have been standing, if not stomping further into the ground.

We have been tested before and found wanting, but as a people, we have found a way to rally and at least attempt to overcome the problems we have faced since our founding.  Often the tests we face boil down to politics, because within the political process has lain the solutions we have found, often by enacting laws to forbid the bad and elevate the good. 

We are being tested yet again.  The Republican Party, which was once the party that stood against slavery and for equality, has made an about-face on so many issues, it’s hard to list them, but race, equal rights for women, gay rights, immigrant rights, and equality of economic opportunity are certainly among them.  And now they have chosen a leader, and even elected him president for one term, who not only wants to turn back the clock of progress on so many of the things that have made this country a shining light to the world, he wants to destroy the democracy that has haltingly, imperfectly, but steadily made progress possible. 

What I’m here to tell you today is this:  look back at the long and often difficult history of our country.  Almost all of these things that have been problems since the day of our founding are still with us in some measure, but we have accomplished the end of our original sin of slavery and we are at least still trying to make amends for the original sin of the slaughter of the people here on this continent before us who are now our fellow citizens.  We’ve done the same with the other people and issues I have cited here.  We must look at the victories we achieved in these fights with pride and renewed determination to overcome what stands before us in the next election.

He is one man.  He may lead a movement, but it’s a movement that has lost the fights we fought to get where we are.  He, and they, are not the future.  They represent the dead, rotting flesh of our disreputable past, the awful instincts of man to which we first had to admit guilt and then find a way to put behind us. 

I am telling you that if you look back at our accomplishments as a people, you will see our democracy is stronger than maybe we have been thinking.  We keep hearing that our democracy is under threat, but our democracy has been threatened before. We defeated Hitler and Hirohito and saved the world from a monstrous end, just for starters.  We are strong.  We have united in the face of adversity before.  It’s not all of us who will rally in defense of our democracy this time, but so what?  It wasn’t the entire nation who rallied behind Civil Rights, either, but we did it, and we can do it again, not with guns and bombs but with our ideas and our ideals and our votes.  There are more of us than there are of them.  Remember that.

[Lucian Truscott Newsletter]

[claennis]

Mahler’s 2nd with MTT, LSO and LSC, Alice Coote and Siobhan Stagg (20.10.24)

As MTT stepped out onto the stage and the audience erupted into applause, I could already feel emotional. Earlier this year, I made an off the cuff decision to purchase tickets to see Sunday’s performance without thinking about logistics. 2024 would usher in MTT turning 80 (in 2021, he was diagnosed with glioblastoma). I spent the late 90s-early 2010s seeing him conduct with the SFS and collecting his recordings with my late mother. There was a lot of nostalgia and memory attached to the event and it was building up to the moment he walked up to his stand, turning to us, the audience with a smile and saluting with his baton.

Mahler and MTT have become synonymous over the last three decades and I’ve only become semi-familiar with Mahler through the Keeping Score documentaries. MTT has been devoted to delivering Mahler’s ingenious craft through his entire career and so I knew we would be part of something special. Jonathan and I have listened to the “Resurrection” symphony on our own, read the pamphlet’s take—though nothing could prepare us for how immense, how powerful, how intense this piece of work is.

Mahler’s 2nd features an over-100 symphony (we’re talking every section was doubled: two timpani’s and eight double basses! not to mention, off-stage percussion and trumpets) and an over-100 LSO chorus so if you can picture it, the stage was completely filled out. It consists of 5 movements with the final divided into 3 subsections—it has 26 parts, took Mahler 6 years to compose and has a duration of 90 minutes. A wonderful quote from Mahler himself that there is no necessitation in explaining the “meaning of his Second symphony”; that he “was in no way concerned with the detailed setting…but rather of a feeling.”

A feeling?! More like a vast, dizzying array of all the feelings that human beings are capable of experiencing yet can’t quite make out. Mahler’s music is abstract, hard to describe, occasionally baffling so personally by movement:

I. With serious and solemn expression throughout: my favourite. I love the introduction of the nervous string tremolo with the double basses and cellos bringing forth the grim motif. Mahler has a thing for funeral marches but this is no funeral march you or I are familiar with. It’s dark, relentless and what a way to throw an audience into what feels like water rapids in the deep unknown.

II. Very moderate, never rushing: it’s a waltz! Kind of. If you watched TSoM, it would remind you of the Ländler (that pinnacle of romance!) and it’s a bit of light and hope contrasted against that fore-bearing introduction.

III. Calmly flowing: this bit is sarcastically jolly; brightness with an edge. It ends abruptly and jarringly.

IV: Very solemn but simple, like a chorale: mezzo-soprano Alice Coote is a powerhouse! she’s got such timbre and projection. She blew soprano Siobhan Stagg out the water later on.

V. Scherzo tempo: in a wild outburst: the finale has three sections bookmarked by moments of absolute stillness. You could hear a pin drop in the hall, that was how quiet those pauses were. Here were the off-stage horn and percussion calls and each time, the orchestra would swell a bit more than the previous until the chorus joins in, then the soprano and mezzo-soprano. As the entirety builds up to its final climax like Hansel’s Messiah complete with the sound of chimes as church bells, you could see the audience perching on the edge of their seats. The end is coming and you’re just waiting for that ultimate culmination of triumph—gates of heaven opening, there’s the resurrection.

The moment that last note was breathed, played, let loose into the atmosphere of the hall, the audience erupted into a 10 minute standing ovation. I felt like crying again because it was just pure respect and adoration pouring out into that hall. It felt like the world showed up for MTT; in that diverse audience of young and old, locals and internationals, no one wanted it to end (an encore after Mahler wouldn’t be right). MTT had a chair but he never really sat in it. The fervour of his conducting has toned down a bit but it didn’t lack the vibrancy to carry this enormous, massive work through to its end. He would do this again on Wednesday night, as I overheard another audience member preen about the fact he was coming to the Barbican again.

I don’t know if I’ll see MTT conduct again, which made Sunday night feel once in a lifetime to me and that I had the opportunity to share my love for classical music, a piece of my old home, San Francisco via MTT with my other half—it does bring a lot of emotions to the forefront. Life has been gruelling—Jonathan and I work in difficult settings. But as artist and writer Charlie Mackesy once said, “These notes can thread together to heal a broken heart.”

[dumbbitchfrommars]

im trying so hard, my very hardest, to be kind and sweet and lovely and nice. but im afraid itll never be truly possible - theres a hidden dark side to me, because im so harsh and cruel and hard on myself. it slips out in hidden ways. those comments that spark a sense of alarm in others. that sudden red flag that you dont react or respond to in the moment, just file away as a reminder to never truly trust me, love me, respect me, feel safe around me...

is it true? or is it an idea?

im afraid i cant trust anyone.

but if i trust myself, will that matter?

its jarring, when the tower of love you have for a person comes crashing down after one dirty act. the darkness... the darkness that im supposed to accept is inherently a part of us all. it scares me. it hurt me.

im heartbroken because i feel like this relationship was doomed to end from the beginning. and that was my own doing, because i have such a warped idea of relationships and love. because i have lingering feelings for people that dont matter. because im so afraid of repeating the same mistakes that im more willing to sabotage it all before i get a chance to try something different. because i cant let go of superficial things that ive gotten used to. because i cant set boundaries. because im being fucking stupid.

im definitely pmsing. lets just take these big emotions with a grain of salt.

what happened to being in a goofy mood?

im irritable.

i just want to be happy with him. i dont want to ruin it by travelling and being separated and one of us cheating on the other. i dont want this to end within a year. i want to be happy. i deserve happiness. ive waited a long time for someone to treat me how i deserve. will he treat me how i deserve? he will try, and thats all i can ask for. he actually makes me feel safe and comfortable to be authentically myself. he gives me the space to just be. to feel my confusing emotions.

but why do they both feel so manipulative? is this my own wound? my own lack of boundaries and knowing what it is i really want? because i keep finding myself fearing the powerful people i attract into my life for the same reason i fell in love with them in the first place - that they can tell me what to do, that they can help me figure out what i want. but at what point does that turn into them deciding what i want for me? thinking they know what i want? ugh.

im confused. im tired. im drained. im overwhelmed. im sad. im missing something that doesnt exist - a feeling - nostalgia - the feeling of love and being loved and being heartbroken and in love and completely miserable.

i hate to admit it, but this whole time i keep on thinking back to the time i was with my ex. it was so different. i was so much freer and happier. i was so different. it was a different time! i always thought i could find something or someone like that, to emulate that feeling again. but its just not possible. its weird. like no one else will ever understand but him, because no one else was there. and i wish i could talk about it or explain it but its impossible to understand.

i want to fall. i want to feel okay to just fall and let him catch me and lead the way. but im so scared, i feel like its gonna end, i feel like im gonna get hurt, im gonna regret being so vulnerable, im gonna find something out and wish id been smarter and seen through his bullshit. but he hasnt done anything. but thats the biggest red flag of them all. why are you so perfect? who are you, really? why am i still so afraid and uncomfortable? is it me?

yet, i still miss him. i still text him. i still want to see him tomorrow. i dont tell him to refund the festival tickets he got us. i smile when he tells me about his day and his games and his affirming words calling me princess and telling me hes proud of me. hes so stable. what if he gets sick of me? my constant bad moods? my dark feelings? you cant have the sun without shade.

darkness can only exist in the shadow of light.