#IVE BEEN ALONE TOO LONG
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I got to feel it
(how it feels to be loved)
I might not get another chance
(how it feels to be loved)
Can’t let it slip out of my hands
How does it feel to be loved by you?
#BLESS MY SOUL#IVE BEEN ALONE TOO LONG#SOMEBODY WITHOUT SOMEONE#Loved By You by Kirby#elliot x olivia#elliot stabler#olivia benson#bensler#law and order special victims unit#law and order: svu#law and order organized crime
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Idk who needs to hear this but time and time again isn't over!!!
Webtoon removed the "time and time again will return!!!" Banner and I don't know why, but it's not over!!! There's still another 1/3 of the comic to go! There's a lot more stuff that I'm working on and it'll be coming back soon!
Please be patient with me, I know it's been a long time... But the stuff I'm making is really good and there's a lot of reasons it's taken this long. I promise I want it back more than anyone.
I'm trying to come back around the end of October. I'm doing my best to get everything ready in time, so no promises, but I'm on track to do so! I'm just one person writing and drawing everything, and my editor was fired so I'm not even getting any notes anymore. It's literally just me. I'm doing my best I promise!
#im so frustrated that banner has been gone#and people think the comic is over because of that#which is reasonable to think#but it... idk#its already an uphill battle to try snd retain audience after a hiatus this long#let alone when webtoon is actively building thr expectation that theres no need to come back...#im so frustrated#every day there is something new with them its so exhausting#this isnt even the thing I've been majorly stressed about this is a fresh new frustration#i feel like they're not just being unhelpful#at this point i feel like theyre actively sabotaging my career.#im not allowed to promote my books#i can't make my links too big so no one can find me#people dont even know i have a patreon#i can't make any announcements on the comic#and now people think th whole thing is over and it isnt!#im so ;_;#im so frustrated and demoralized#and people complete reasonably are losing patience and interest#and. ah... it's fine. like genuinely it is fine.#it will come back soon and i am doing a good job#and everyone who sees it's back will be happy with what ive done#cause it's good. its really good...#but. yeah. idk. webtoon has been actively keeping me down since the beginning and im so over them#I've been so mistreated aysudjejjdjdjdj#i just want to finish the series and go ;_;#taking all my power to not **** ******#just gotta power through and get the fuck out#text post#update
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ep 43 had me tearing up in a fucking shopping centre ‼️‼️
b+w alt version that I truly couldn't decide if I liked it more . Also I included a lot of thoughts in the tags but they're somewhat incoherent<3
#i dont know what i expected but i was waiting for a friend and too excited to wait until later#malevolent podcast#john doe#john doe malevolent#john malevolent#malevolent fanart#grimm art#ep 43#ep 43 left me with a lot of thoughts ... i didnt quite like how much of a recap it felt like at times but that might#be because ive been relistening and like yeah everyone knows that john 🙄 but that's not the case for everyone and with monthly uploads#things get forgotten easily#i find the discussion of “humanity” so interesting because John has shown that without someone that he has forcibly grown to value as an#equal... something he cannot do as the king of yellow as he is superior to all of his realm and presumably stays out of other elder god's#anyway. without that equality and enviroment to grow he fails to reach his goal of compassion and falls onto old ways.#John. The King in Yellow. shown by both times each has found themselves in human form do not just crave power and influence!!!#THEY CRAVE COMMUNITY!!! an endrich being not born or raised with nothing but power and ego#CRAVES COMMUNITY.#His goal of “humanity” is not a selfless goal like John projects - it is ultimately somewhat selfish as he does not want to be alone!!#which makes this desire so much more human#i don't know maybe this is just me spelling out whats already there but the way john and the witch argued about humanity frustrated me#it felt like they were missing the point or that perhaps the “good/evil” “black/white” retoric was already realised by me and john needed#realise it himself . which is fair !!!#i dont know!!!!#the witch was talking about how bad everyone was and how humanity is cruel and john was talking about Lily (#who also frustrates me how shes used in the plot somewhat she was literally just a nurse doing her job bro#) but to John - yes internally he is struggling with his moral greyness and im so proud of him for growing being himself SO PROUD#JUST.!!! he wants community. he needs community. he loves his friend. 'humanity' at its core does not matter as long as you try to be bette#and i think thats awesome and i really enjoyed the episode#guhh im rambling enjoy my tag rambling i dont know i want john to have more friends :(#yorrick can be another friend godd i love you yorrick so silly
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watching death note and house of the dragon simultaneously earlier this year did something permanent to my galaxy brain
#THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING BUT THEY'RE SO DAEMYRA CODED !!! IM LIVING IN 3023 !!!!!!!! if this doesn't flop i'm doing a couple other scenes too#timeskip rhaenrya is long haired near. you abandoned me! ive been alone! and look at what my life has become without you. droll tragedy#also: the choking scene. L never told you. did he? (:#anyway yes targeryan AU problematic etc etc. im living my truth <3 also the age difference here is the same as canon#mello is illegitmate maybe. a la heathcliff wuthering heighs#death note#house of the dragon#mello dn#near dn#mihael keehl#nate river#meronia#near x mello#artists on tumblr#horreurart#ALSO i cannot believe i got these done in 4ish hours. i was aiming for fast and fun and not-for-profit. im :0#these look SO good. there's an art lesson here somewhere#incest / because: targs
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Reasons why Jinx is alive– A fully comprehensive evidence analysis
Right. So I've seen a lot of people with conflicting views on if Jimx survived at the end of Arcane season 2, and I have been itching to do a meta post on the subject, so here it goes!
The first piece of evidence that I found particularly noteworthy was the explosion itself. By going frame by frame it was possible to see this:
It's a blink and you miss it kind of scene, but this is right after the explosion, and you can see the clear pink line going into one of the vents. Now why is this important? Well, it's simple, it's the shimmer effect that happens when Jinx is moving very fast! I know that Warwick was holding onto Jinx, but in a explosion its perfectly plausible for her to get out of that grip using the explosion of her monkey bomb.
Then we have the scene where Caitlyn is inspecting the plans for the Hexgates.
There is literally no reason for her to look at these plans. Not unless she thought there was something she missed...
There's no dialogue here, so it's really just based on what she does and how she reacts. Most notably what she's holding.
It's the head of one of Jinx's notorious monkey bombs. What's more, it's clearly damaged and singed. So likely this is the very same monkey bomb Jinx used in the Hexgates. This also suggests that Caitlyn might have been searching for evidence of Jinx's dead body... and clearly didn't find it for her to be holding Jinx's bomb head and then searching on the plans. Which brings me to the focus changing to this:
The vents we see the streak of pink shimmer light go inside correlate to the plans as shown above. The vents connect to the air ducts which connect to the outside. After this, the camera goes back to Caitlyn and we see her look at the monkey bomb head and then smile.
Then we get to the most telling piece of evidence that Jinx survived and left Zaun and Piltover behind, which is definitely a controversial choice on the writers part and does come across that they just want the option to bring in Jinx whenever they want in later stories taking place in Noxus, Ionia and Demacia. Which is very Marvel like lol. This is namely the air blimp at the end shot of the show.
What I find interesting is the fact it mirrors exactly the very first time we see Powder in episode 1 of Arcane season 1 when we see one of these air blimps.
The difference in these shots is that the one from season one is going TOWARDS Piltover, and the one from end of season 2 is going AWAY across the sea. The only difference in the ships themselves is the streak of blue you can just about see on the side of the hull. Maybe a further hint that Jinx is indeed on board that blimp.
Obviously it is what Powder says about the air blimp in season one that truly gives some solid evidence Jinx escaped on the air blimp heading for the sea:
Well, it seems Powder was right about that... the shots being so similar is clearly not a coincidence.
This is made all the more evident with the very last seconds of screen time of the show. It ends with Jinx's signature scribbles taking over the screen for three seconds with the words 'The end' written across.
Some people I've seen commenting on the fact the letter E on 'the' is reversed, but I think that's just a style choice in line with Jinx's graffiti so far. What is significant here is the fact it's so evidently Jinx's mark straight after the air blimp that resembeled the one in the first episode of Arcane season one.
Annnnd there's just one more thing now. I promise I'm almost done lol.
The lyrics to the song Wasteland that plays during episode 8, when Jinx is about to try and end her life are as follows:
This world is a wasteland where nothing can grow
I used to have strength but I ran out of hope
I know it’s my fault that I'm here all alone
This world is a wasteland
Please let me go, go, go, go, go, go, go
But then the lyrics change in the last chorus, they go from Jinx preparing to end her life for good, to THIS:
This world is a wasteland where nothing can grow
If it weren’t for you I’d be here all alone
I know in my heart this is where we belong
This world is a wasteland
Don’t let me go, go, go, go, go, go, go
Don't let me go
I feel it's likely that the line 'if it weren't for you I'd be here all alone' is referring to Ekko. Because it's Ekko who stopped Jinx from killing herself. And then of course the biggest change, from 'please let me go' to 'don't let me go' Jinx isn't ready to say goodbye. She wants to stay living. And I think it's this that plays in her 'sacrifice' scene with Warwick. It's not her giving up on life, it's her accepting that her life has changed and she needs to break the cycle by moving on. Not for anyone else, but for herself.
Let me know in the comments or reblogs your thoughts on this! And thank you for reading if you got this far lol.
#oof#didn't think a meta post would take my energy so much lol#sorry for the word vomit too...#long post#meta analysis#arcane#jinx#caitlyn kiramman#powder#ive been preparing to write this post for ages#just took a while to get all the evidence collected#tell me if I've missed any references too!#I'm also up for alternative takes#but yeah i don't entirely agree with the writers taking this path#i think it would have been nice to see ekko or Vi or even Sevika's reaction to Jinx being alive and her decision to leave...#not sure if its still somewhat self destructive Jinx leaving her remaining support system to go off alone#it would admittedly been a stronger take having Jinx fully becoming that revolutionary figure we were teased and helping to rebuild Zaun#poor Sevika being the only zaunite on the council. 😭#anyway. hope this isnt too convulted of a analysis
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majima demo and a spyuo
#kinda remembered i am not limited to just posting full art and can just kinda drop some doodles n leave i guess!!!#ive been thinking about a majima demo for a long while and im 100% certain someone already thought of that too#tf2#too scared to tag yakuza or majima idk leave me alone#tf2 spy#tf2 demoman#my art#jokz doodles#also WOAH about the previous post i am SHOCKED it got that much attention ily yall it means the world to me!!!#iloveyappinginthehashtagsokay
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not to also be in tc denial but i cant see how this conversation won't include gorgug saying in some way that he joined the owlbears to spend time with fabian. what other reason would he have to be on the team for so long if not to hang out with him or something 😭
nno cause. youre so right like what reason do u have other than u wanna spend time with ur bff . like 'if i get to be with u then that's enough for me !!' . its ok anon if we hold hands when the episode drops then through the power of friendship and Believing this WILL get referenced in the ep. godspeed
#cause it's like. if u werent drawn to the sport What Drew You In#AND FOR SO LONG TOO like he;s been on the owlbears since fy#im gonna start my spiel in the tags#i feel crazy#like picture a conspiracy board with red string#but the string isnt actually connected to anything. ive tied them into bows.#and there's just red marker overlapping both the corkboard and the photos and it's just in the shape of a big heart#thats what im feelin like rn#idk whats goin on actually im just here for the ride#VERY EXCITED THOUGH#lou and zac pc interactions always eat#it drops at 7am for me so. haha#watch this scene end up being like. so unserious#its ok we can dramatize it thats what the imagination is for#asks#thistlecaster#guys i just fucking realized if gorgug leaves the owlbears#fabian will be alone. Again#hey guys what the fuck#LIKE TEAM-WISE. like im sure tbk would watch his games from the stands#but on the owlbears itll just be him. Man#fhjy
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That’s what she holds onto. A life—an eternal one—with someone else as Lord. Someone true of heart. Quick of mind. That’s the dream, right there. And all she has to do is clear the way. - Chapter 26
Another swrd art… what a surprise lol. go check it out guys! (i will never stop preaching about it)
hi @un-local how r u on this fine afternoon
#magdalene my favorite blorbo... i will fight the wolves for u#holding onto rogiers rapier... a small hope in these desolate lands where she is all alone with the golden grace#i hope that one day will i get to read the point where rogier lets himself hope too (that would definitely be the day!)#each others hope if u will#groovy brush my beloved 🫶#lighting.... my worst enemy#had a lot of fun with the background though!!#i was genuinely scratching my head over the stupid gradient map thing#ive been wanting to do something like this for a LOOONG while so yay!!!#tried to incorporate the mending rune of death and stars. and the carian phalanx (WHICH I AM REALIZING IS 4 BLADES NOT 3)#but yeah! not too much to go off of other than that.. hope u enjoy hare! or. un or local. not local. (scratches head)#thank you miami and mellow for the support!! i would have literally kept staring at the drawing for who knows how long#elden ring#tarnished#magdalene#swrd#still waters#envelop art
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2 months clean today 🎉🎉 let's gooooo
#personal#and 3 weeks sober as of yesterday too#longest ive been clean in some time its not that long ik but i usually struggle to stay clean for just 2 weeks let alone 2 months#and staying sober has been smooth sailing since the withdrawals stopped. only relapsed once since i decided to quit
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#ive been left alone with my thoughts too long#might make a RISE au who knows (OvO)#the thoughts they crowd me thinking gourd#ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ#fuck around and find out I guess#tmnt#random
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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it ain't much but it's honest work
#not too shabby methinks for someone who has basically never crocheted#i did have to redo the pot though sjgfjsjkskskksj#the first one was BAD i didnt realize stitch count was actually important and it came out so lumpy lmaoooooo#i made this for a friend and like. i def have to give it to her but part of me also wants to keep it lol#but i dont have the energy/time to make another one like i basically holed myself up all weekend to finish this#the leaves alone made me wanna kill myself 😭#and i need to get this care package out asap its been too long now 😭#with this i feel really complete w my package though i just feel kinda bad shes gonna get my first attempt at crocheting OTL#i know i can do better with practice but augh time#ig an excuse to get into crocheting now though#so i can make things for my loved ones :)#i rly wanna make something for my sister too bc shes done so much for me this last year and ive been really#not good about showing my gratitude for her#0.txt
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i know this has been said 473773474833 times by the kavetham/haikaveh shippers and probably even nonshippers, but i'll say it again. I finally finished the genshin summer event and did the little after quest in sumeru and.....every time kaveh is sneaking around trying not to be noticed coming out of alhaithams house it's just such a gay vibe. he's basically screaming "I can't be caught being gay in a homophobic society!" even if that's not what the game writers are *actually* saying. that's just how it comes off and they can't make it come off any other way. with hoyo's gay history, it makes me wonder if it's on purpose and all a cover-up to have a technically different reason for it so they can get away with it lmao but we will never know.
#lee text#genshins#i can acknowledge how gay they are without liking thr ship#flashback to several kavetham/haikaveh (whatevwr their ship name is) shippers on here attacking me over not liking the ship#trying to “educate” me on why theyre sk gay and why i should ship it#look i didnt say they arent gay af. and these shippers dismissed my feelings completely#i think it was after that one event with the competition thing that kaveh won? idk but just they way they interacted#the way alhaitham talked to kaveh and the way kaveh responded TRIGGERED A TRAUMA RESPONSE IN ME#which made me dislike the ship and their dynamic! i didnt CARE if he was well meaning. the way he talked to kaveh#triggered a fight or flight response in me because it sounded similar to how ive been talked to and kaveh getting upset was similar to#how ive reacted to the same words. you can also argue my family cares about me like alhaitham does kaveh and its how he helps#but it doesnt mean its the kind of help we need and it doenst traumatize us lmao#so i dont get why people were so angry at me for getting triggered by this ship and disliking it for that reason#while i can still admit that they are gay af and seem to get a long a bit better after that and i can tolerate them now#since its been a while and i dont remember it enough to have a trauma response when seeing them anymore lmao#but its just annoying that shippers can be so toxic 💀 they care more about their fictional men ship than me. a real person. weird#not tagging the ship so i dont get more angry shippers in my notes....but they found me last time with no tags so hi. dont yell at me again!#but maybe no one will care since im putting my “anti ship propaganda” in the tags this time and not the main post lmao#just dont read my tags so you dont get mad at me for being uncomfortable by this ship dynamic. but if youre reading this...its too late#leave me alone they arent real and i am so im more important right 😅#let me shame the shippers that dismissed my real feelings because they think their ship is more important than a real person lmao#you cant tell me im wrong when a trauma response isnt a choice and happens against your will 💀#BE ASHAMED YOU NERDS#I WILL BITE YOUR KNEECAPS#sorry i just had to vent lmao
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"i wish i could go outside in the evenings" well it's 6pm. weather's nice and it's not too cold. the sun is going down. you could get dressed, go out your building, cross the street and walk on the beach. why don't you?
#pathologically terrified of being outside alone#i keep coming up with excuses and valid reasons why not to go#i am ruining my own life#anyway we've been back for a month and a half and ive already gained back half the weight i lost during my (awful) time there#surely this wont help with the whole scared to go outside thing when my clothes will start to be too small for comfort#i need a win. ive been rock bottom for too long this time. how much further can i fall before i can climb back up
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#personal#thinking about how the phrase treat others how you want to be treated is actually incredibly one way#unless damn near every person ive ever met wants to be treated like shit which i cant imagine is true#like idk i spent a lot of my time giving my energy to people. and ill never feel bad for putting love and kindness out into the world#but i gave some of these people everything i had. or not everything that would diminish me but everything i could spare for them at the time#i treated them attentively and considerately and tenderly and lovingly#and that kindness has not been extended back to me by most of these people#some of them have surely in their own 'love language' and im grateful for these people in my life#but most of the people ive treated with intentional care have actively and on purpose caused me a lot of emotional harm#which again. im working through and like karma will get them without me needing to be there or whatever while i do my own healing#but regardless i still think some of that shit should not have happened like it did#i dont understand how everyone can say to me treat others how youd like to be treated but not tell me the caveat#that they will not treat me the way i want to be treated even if i put in that effort for them/for our friendship or relationship or whatevr#like idk im a bitch for asking you to leave me alone when ive been vomiting for two days straight but you can straightup sexually misconduct#with my body and then when i write poetry about it and share my feelings instead of leaving and taking that information anywhere helpful#you get to decode youre traumatized actually and im still a bitch for bringing it up?#make it make sense#'treat others the way you want to be treated' so youd like it if i starved you and verbally insulted and gaslight and manipulated you? no?#then what the fuck is the point of you saying that to me???#idk im just fucking pissed rn that. idk what im pissed at. cause again i know im no contact with all of these people now and their#shitty justice will find its way to them. and i cant be mad at myself for saddling with the wrong people cause some of that was my choices#and some of it was blood i couldnt escape for a long time. and i said i dont want to regret or resent#putting love out to the world#but i am still angry that so much of me was given to the wrong people. that these people just chose to completely ignore#the level of respect and patience and kindness i showed them#idk dudes im just angry. 'treat others the way you want to be treated' fuck off thats some quiet manipulation bullshit to get me to be#nicer to you even as you abuse the self-worth outta me fuck off fuck you#i found it again. you cant bury it im too full of love to not love myself too but it hurts how hard they tried for so long#'treat others the way you want to be treated' how bout no. how bout i treat everyone with a base level of kindness#and when youve shown me that you will treat me the way i deserve to be treated then ill fucking play niceys back
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Oh, man, am I obsessed with you— strawberry soda in a dream, I want to give your coffee cream, I want to toast to you and do a little movie scene. You don't know what I mean— I mutter to you all the time beneath my breath pathetically. I speak to you in reverie, I'm animated and sublime, and you are laughing, too. The corner of my view, the window into joy, you are— you're all things pleasant, interesting, worthwhile. I yammer, draw, and sing and explicate serene, bizarre things freely as they come. I ask you where you're from and where your home is, really, now— still here? You're one thrill-seeking man, experienced traveler. How can the universe I know allow you really to exist? In truth, you're made of mist and I am only on cloud nine. I decorate it like my room and spray the couches with perfume I really don't wear, but it's mine— and you, beloved guest, you know I am obsessed but you approve it. I'm no threat— I love, and I am right to love. I'm caught in the illusions of embarrassments comfortably set on trays for me to eat. You're simply just too sweet.
"Musings" - a poem written 5/18/2024
#i've been making more creative work this month ive been meaning to post and not posting#and that i really do wanna post bc i feel like i always ULTIMATELY forget the things i really like that ive written#been doing that a lot lately not just this month. i dont know. ive been writing more things i like again#im incomprehensible. dont listen to me. im yammering#and you reader. i dont even imagine you as a handsome man right now. sorry if you are one#i dont imagine you as one. reader. reader youre no better than me thats how i view you#im sorry that is to say i dont imagine you very highly. very sorry#2024#poetry#poem#sestets#iambic meter#iambic tetrameter#iambic trimeter#form poetry#poets on tumblr#rhyme scheme#stream of consciousness#didnt have it in me to make a pretty image from this one but frankly it's just too long and it's too late#i meant to post more of my work this month today but i was home alone for more than twelve hours so i spent it all w my dog#dickens and i were reading cymbeline#crazy saturday night
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