#IVE BEEN ALONE TOO LONG
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I got to feel it
(how it feels to be loved)
I might not get another chance
(how it feels to be loved)
Can’t let it slip out of my hands
How does it feel to be loved by you?
#BLESS MY SOUL#IVE BEEN ALONE TOO LONG#SOMEBODY WITHOUT SOMEONE#Loved By You by Kirby#elliot x olivia#elliot stabler#olivia benson#bensler#law and order special victims unit#law and order: svu#law and order organized crime
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Idk who needs to hear this but time and time again isn't over!!!
Webtoon removed the "time and time again will return!!!" Banner and I don't know why, but it's not over!!! There's still another 1/3 of the comic to go! There's a lot more stuff that I'm working on and it'll be coming back soon!
Please be patient with me, I know it's been a long time... But the stuff I'm making is really good and there's a lot of reasons it's taken this long. I promise I want it back more than anyone.
I'm trying to come back around the end of October. I'm doing my best to get everything ready in time, so no promises, but I'm on track to do so! I'm just one person writing and drawing everything, and my editor was fired so I'm not even getting any notes anymore. It's literally just me. I'm doing my best I promise!
#im so frustrated that banner has been gone#and people think the comic is over because of that#which is reasonable to think#but it... idk#its already an uphill battle to try snd retain audience after a hiatus this long#let alone when webtoon is actively building thr expectation that theres no need to come back...#im so frustrated#every day there is something new with them its so exhausting#this isnt even the thing I've been majorly stressed about this is a fresh new frustration#i feel like they're not just being unhelpful#at this point i feel like theyre actively sabotaging my career.#im not allowed to promote my books#i can't make my links too big so no one can find me#people dont even know i have a patreon#i can't make any announcements on the comic#and now people think th whole thing is over and it isnt!#im so ;_;#im so frustrated and demoralized#and people complete reasonably are losing patience and interest#and. ah... it's fine. like genuinely it is fine.#it will come back soon and i am doing a good job#and everyone who sees it's back will be happy with what ive done#cause it's good. its really good...#but. yeah. idk. webtoon has been actively keeping me down since the beginning and im so over them#I've been so mistreated aysudjejjdjdjdj#i just want to finish the series and go ;_;#taking all my power to not **** ******#just gotta power through and get the fuck out#text post#update
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ep 43 had me tearing up in a fucking shopping centre ‼️‼️
b+w alt version that I truly couldn't decide if I liked it more . Also I included a lot of thoughts in the tags but they're somewhat incoherent<3
#i dont know what i expected but i was waiting for a friend and too excited to wait until later#malevolent podcast#john doe#john doe malevolent#john malevolent#malevolent fanart#grimm art#ep 43#ep 43 left me with a lot of thoughts ... i didnt quite like how much of a recap it felt like at times but that might#be because ive been relistening and like yeah everyone knows that john 🙄 but that's not the case for everyone and with monthly uploads#things get forgotten easily#i find the discussion of “humanity” so interesting because John has shown that without someone that he has forcibly grown to value as an#equal... something he cannot do as the king of yellow as he is superior to all of his realm and presumably stays out of other elder god's#anyway. without that equality and enviroment to grow he fails to reach his goal of compassion and falls onto old ways.#John. The King in Yellow. shown by both times each has found themselves in human form do not just crave power and influence!!!#THEY CRAVE COMMUNITY!!! an endrich being not born or raised with nothing but power and ego#CRAVES COMMUNITY.#His goal of “humanity” is not a selfless goal like John projects - it is ultimately somewhat selfish as he does not want to be alone!!#which makes this desire so much more human#i don't know maybe this is just me spelling out whats already there but the way john and the witch argued about humanity frustrated me#it felt like they were missing the point or that perhaps the “good/evil” “black/white” retoric was already realised by me and john needed#realise it himself . which is fair !!!#i dont know!!!!#the witch was talking about how bad everyone was and how humanity is cruel and john was talking about Lily (#who also frustrates me how shes used in the plot somewhat she was literally just a nurse doing her job bro#) but to John - yes internally he is struggling with his moral greyness and im so proud of him for growing being himself SO PROUD#JUST.!!! he wants community. he needs community. he loves his friend. 'humanity' at its core does not matter as long as you try to be bette#and i think thats awesome and i really enjoyed the episode#guhh im rambling enjoy my tag rambling i dont know i want john to have more friends :(#yorrick can be another friend godd i love you yorrick so silly
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watching death note and house of the dragon simultaneously earlier this year did something permanent to my galaxy brain
#THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING BUT THEY'RE SO DAEMYRA CODED !!! IM LIVING IN 3023 !!!!!!!! if this doesn't flop i'm doing a couple other scenes too#timeskip rhaenrya is long haired near. you abandoned me! ive been alone! and look at what my life has become without you. droll tragedy#also: the choking scene. L never told you. did he? (:#anyway yes targeryan AU problematic etc etc. im living my truth <3 also the age difference here is the same as canon#mello is illegitmate maybe. a la heathcliff wuthering heighs#death note#house of the dragon#mello dn#near dn#mihael keehl#nate river#meronia#near x mello#artists on tumblr#horreurart#ALSO i cannot believe i got these done in 4ish hours. i was aiming for fast and fun and not-for-profit. im :0#these look SO good. there's an art lesson here somewhere#incest / because: targs
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majima demo and a spyuo
#kinda remembered i am not limited to just posting full art and can just kinda drop some doodles n leave i guess!!!#ive been thinking about a majima demo for a long while and im 100% certain someone already thought of that too#tf2#too scared to tag yakuza or majima idk leave me alone#tf2 spy#tf2 demoman#my art#jokz doodles#also WOAH about the previous post i am SHOCKED it got that much attention ily yall it means the world to me!!!#iloveyappinginthehashtagsokay
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not to also be in tc denial but i cant see how this conversation won't include gorgug saying in some way that he joined the owlbears to spend time with fabian. what other reason would he have to be on the team for so long if not to hang out with him or something 😭
nno cause. youre so right like what reason do u have other than u wanna spend time with ur bff . like 'if i get to be with u then that's enough for me !!' . its ok anon if we hold hands when the episode drops then through the power of friendship and Believing this WILL get referenced in the ep. godspeed
#cause it's like. if u werent drawn to the sport What Drew You In#AND FOR SO LONG TOO like he;s been on the owlbears since fy#im gonna start my spiel in the tags#i feel crazy#like picture a conspiracy board with red string#but the string isnt actually connected to anything. ive tied them into bows.#and there's just red marker overlapping both the corkboard and the photos and it's just in the shape of a big heart#thats what im feelin like rn#idk whats goin on actually im just here for the ride#VERY EXCITED THOUGH#lou and zac pc interactions always eat#it drops at 7am for me so. haha#watch this scene end up being like. so unserious#its ok we can dramatize it thats what the imagination is for#asks#thistlecaster#guys i just fucking realized if gorgug leaves the owlbears#fabian will be alone. Again#hey guys what the fuck#LIKE TEAM-WISE. like im sure tbk would watch his games from the stands#but on the owlbears itll just be him. Man#fhjy
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2 months clean today 🎉🎉 let's gooooo
#personal#and 3 weeks sober as of yesterday too#longest ive been clean in some time its not that long ik but i usually struggle to stay clean for just 2 weeks let alone 2 months#and staying sober has been smooth sailing since the withdrawals stopped. only relapsed once since i decided to quit
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#ive been left alone with my thoughts too long#might make a RISE au who knows (OvO)#the thoughts they crowd me thinking gourd#ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ#fuck around and find out I guess#tmnt#random
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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That’s what she holds onto. A life—an eternal one—with someone else as Lord. Someone true of heart. Quick of mind. That’s the dream, right there. And all she has to do is clear the way. - Chapter 26
Another swrd art… what a surprise lol. go check it out guys! (i will never stop preaching about it)
hi @un-local how r u on this fine afternoon
#magdalene my favorite blorbo... i will fight the wolves for u#holding onto rogiers rapier... a small hope in these desolate lands where she is all alone with the golden grace#i hope that one day will i get to read the point where rogier lets himself hope too (that would definitely be the day!)#each others hope if u will#groovy brush my beloved 🫶#lighting.... my worst enemy#had a lot of fun with the background though!!#i was genuinely scratching my head over the stupid gradient map thing#ive been wanting to do something like this for a LOOONG while so yay!!!#tried to incorporate the mending rune of death and stars. and the carian phalanx (WHICH I AM REALIZING IS 4 BLADES NOT 3)#but yeah! not too much to go off of other than that.. hope u enjoy hare! or. un or local. not local. (scratches head)#thank you miami and mellow for the support!! i would have literally kept staring at the drawing for who knows how long#elden ring#tarnished#magdalene#swrd#still waters#envelop art
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it ain't much but it's honest work
#not too shabby methinks for someone who has basically never crocheted#i did have to redo the pot though sjgfjsjkskskksj#the first one was BAD i didnt realize stitch count was actually important and it came out so lumpy lmaoooooo#i made this for a friend and like. i def have to give it to her but part of me also wants to keep it lol#but i dont have the energy/time to make another one like i basically holed myself up all weekend to finish this#the leaves alone made me wanna kill myself 😭#and i need to get this care package out asap its been too long now 😭#with this i feel really complete w my package though i just feel kinda bad shes gonna get my first attempt at crocheting OTL#i know i can do better with practice but augh time#ig an excuse to get into crocheting now though#so i can make things for my loved ones :)#i rly wanna make something for my sister too bc shes done so much for me this last year and ive been really#not good about showing my gratitude for her#0.txt
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i know this has been said 473773474833 times by the kavetham/haikaveh shippers and probably even nonshippers, but i'll say it again. I finally finished the genshin summer event and did the little after quest in sumeru and.....every time kaveh is sneaking around trying not to be noticed coming out of alhaithams house it's just such a gay vibe. he's basically screaming "I can't be caught being gay in a homophobic society!" even if that's not what the game writers are *actually* saying. that's just how it comes off and they can't make it come off any other way. with hoyo's gay history, it makes me wonder if it's on purpose and all a cover-up to have a technically different reason for it so they can get away with it lmao but we will never know.
#lee text#genshins#i can acknowledge how gay they are without liking thr ship#flashback to several kavetham/haikaveh (whatevwr their ship name is) shippers on here attacking me over not liking the ship#trying to “educate” me on why theyre sk gay and why i should ship it#look i didnt say they arent gay af. and these shippers dismissed my feelings completely#i think it was after that one event with the competition thing that kaveh won? idk but just they way they interacted#the way alhaitham talked to kaveh and the way kaveh responded TRIGGERED A TRAUMA RESPONSE IN ME#which made me dislike the ship and their dynamic! i didnt CARE if he was well meaning. the way he talked to kaveh#triggered a fight or flight response in me because it sounded similar to how ive been talked to and kaveh getting upset was similar to#how ive reacted to the same words. you can also argue my family cares about me like alhaitham does kaveh and its how he helps#but it doesnt mean its the kind of help we need and it doenst traumatize us lmao#so i dont get why people were so angry at me for getting triggered by this ship and disliking it for that reason#while i can still admit that they are gay af and seem to get a long a bit better after that and i can tolerate them now#since its been a while and i dont remember it enough to have a trauma response when seeing them anymore lmao#but its just annoying that shippers can be so toxic 💀 they care more about their fictional men ship than me. a real person. weird#not tagging the ship so i dont get more angry shippers in my notes....but they found me last time with no tags so hi. dont yell at me again!#but maybe no one will care since im putting my “anti ship propaganda” in the tags this time and not the main post lmao#just dont read my tags so you dont get mad at me for being uncomfortable by this ship dynamic. but if youre reading this...its too late#leave me alone they arent real and i am so im more important right 😅#let me shame the shippers that dismissed my real feelings because they think their ship is more important than a real person lmao#you cant tell me im wrong when a trauma response isnt a choice and happens against your will 💀#BE ASHAMED YOU NERDS#I WILL BITE YOUR KNEECAPS#sorry i just had to vent lmao
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is this a safe space
#///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////#////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////#i’m so alone.#last tuesday i attempted to walk in front of a speeding car and if it wasn’t for someone nearby physically restraining me at the last second#it would have worked#i don’t have any commentary on that i’ve just been. sitting with it i suppose.#yet i still wish he hadn’t been there#i’m looking for a therapist but i need one that specializes in long term CSA and that is very expensive and very hard to find#i’m. not doing well. i can’t sleep or eat. i have no passion not even for my ocs. i do nothing all day all the time.#and the time just keeps passing.#unrelated but i may have pots and in addition to dental pain and a persistent physical heartache i feel like my body is giving up too#ive worked so hard through depression since i was eleven years old and i made such amazing progress over a decade and i feel like it’s all#been undone. i’m tired. i tried to make my life beautiful and when i succeeded i really succeeded but god i don’t want to try again#anyway i don’t want to be all woe is me so i won’t. this is just another diary entry i suppose.#it’s hard to find joy on tumblr while struggling but i love you all <33#anyways.txt
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dreamer is everything i wanted and more bye guys i’m deactivating!
#ok so#initial thoughts on the album#growing pains is that delicious rock txt we’ve been waiting for#and we FINALLY got it#like a proper song that indulges in the genre ugh it’s so good mf#chasing that feeling? i rlly like it!! it’s so cool and the instrumental is alone giving me too many ideas#the mv is another discussion.#dreamer.#that’s all ur getting#deep down…? i don’t rlly like the genre much but i appreciate the vocals they sound good (obviously)#happily ever after!!!!!! it’s so good and silly!! fuck!!!!#the vocals are just. exquisite and yummy#SKIPPING STONES. UGH DAY6’S LONG LOST COUSIN WELCOME HOME#ITS SO FUCKING GOOD IVE BEEN ANTICIPATING IT FR#I ALMOST STARTED CRYING EVERYBODY CELEBRATE#BLUE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 SPRING 😭😭😭😭#there was no need to make blue spring even more gut wrenching than it already was.#i could write a whole essay on it and NO i’m not fucking joking!!!!#ok if u guys wanna ask me more abt my thoughts on the album and indulge w me i highly encourage it#this is just the tip of the iceberg#rambles
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Oh, man, am I obsessed with you— strawberry soda in a dream, I want to give your coffee cream, I want to toast to you and do a little movie scene. You don't know what I mean— I mutter to you all the time beneath my breath pathetically. I speak to you in reverie, I'm animated and sublime, and you are laughing, too. The corner of my view, the window into joy, you are— you're all things pleasant, interesting, worthwhile. I yammer, draw, and sing and explicate serene, bizarre things freely as they come. I ask you where you're from and where your home is, really, now— still here? You're one thrill-seeking man, experienced traveler. How can the universe I know allow you really to exist? In truth, you're made of mist and I am only on cloud nine. I decorate it like my room and spray the couches with perfume I really don't wear, but it's mine— and you, beloved guest, you know I am obsessed but you approve it. I'm no threat— I love, and I am right to love. I'm caught in the illusions of embarrassments comfortably set on trays for me to eat. You're simply just too sweet.
"Musings" - a poem written 5/18/2024
#i've been making more creative work this month ive been meaning to post and not posting#and that i really do wanna post bc i feel like i always ULTIMATELY forget the things i really like that ive written#been doing that a lot lately not just this month. i dont know. ive been writing more things i like again#im incomprehensible. dont listen to me. im yammering#and you reader. i dont even imagine you as a handsome man right now. sorry if you are one#i dont imagine you as one. reader. reader youre no better than me thats how i view you#im sorry that is to say i dont imagine you very highly. very sorry#2024#poetry#poem#sestets#iambic meter#iambic tetrameter#iambic trimeter#form poetry#poets on tumblr#rhyme scheme#stream of consciousness#didnt have it in me to make a pretty image from this one but frankly it's just too long and it's too late#i meant to post more of my work this month today but i was home alone for more than twelve hours so i spent it all w my dog#dickens and i were reading cymbeline#crazy saturday night
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dysgraphic artiƨts risɘ UP!!!!!
#raise your pencils!!!! and erasers. to fix the backwards letters 😔#sorry still thinking about my weirdness with my art professors. yknow a lot of em have been really pushing us as#students to make our personal identities a major part of like our 'brand' as artists#which. well from an art history major perspective thats a very contentious and nuanced topic. i love a lot of artists who live this way#and i think its great seeing my peers who focus on identity thrive. but also as an fine arts major (double major fool LOL)#i keep getting pushed by teachers into like. specific '____ artist' identities???#specificaly woman artist. which is a little bizarre because im a bit fat and a bit gnc so im generally like. ungendered? in day-to-day life#(which doesnt actually matter to me directly that much honestly LOL people tend to view me as like. buddy? buddy or pal.)#(not man. not woman. not anything human. sometimes i remind people of a beloved dog. which. hkdsahjk thats its own can of worms)#(a can of worms that also doesnt matter much to me directly because im a wannabe furry who chose to be the dog when playing house as a kid)#(LOL so um. well. theres that) but yeah i dunno i dont really consider myself a woman artist. its been. shockingly (and sometimes luckily?)#irrelevant to most of my life and experiences and art (although dont get me wrong misogyny is very real and very present) so i dont#have a whole lot to say about it from an art perspective. you could also call me all kinds of things. a queer artist. a mixed race artist#again technically correct. some aspects more visible in my work than others. but also very technical. i focus on race a lot in in my#art historical work but i dunno how much my drawings have to say. except that i keep making too many mixed ocs LOL#i dunno i just think my professors gotta focus that energy away from tokenizing me and over to supporting like actual#capital W Woman artists capital Q Queer artists capital A Artists of Colour who are doing far more interesting things than I#far more thought out and engaged in these topics directly. i just kind of stumble into my art blindly and confused <3#sorry that was a long tangent WHAT IM SAYING Is despite all that: i do consider myself a capital D Dysgraphic artist#i think its an unmovable constant of my art and the way i draw and the way my hands move. the untrained eye doesnt seem to be as aware#of it directly. but those who are familiar can probably see it. the dysgraphia LOL if not just from whenever i write a letter or number#half of them are busted and frantically fixed HDKJSDJDS but its in all my art. if u can see it <3 ive been trying to embrace it#dygraphic artists raise your pencils indeed!! and throw away the eraser!!! make the legibility of your words everyone elses problem!!!#what does that say? what is that sketch? none of my business! none of your business!! its the business of my hand and the pencil alone#motor skill and spatial issues take the wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
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