#ITS NOT THAT HARD!!! literally gonna scream
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me choosing the most weirdest thing youve heard to pour 1/2 of my life into
#txt#this is abt my hyperfixations BUT also i am so ill over mitski rn#your best american girl... once again do NOT go on tiktokor twitter for mitski its so horrid#ITS LIKE!! THIS IS ABT POC SUFFERING !!#itsso weird how white people on tiktok specifically think that if theyre queer of some sort it makes up for their whiteness#and thus gives them the ability to speak upon it as if they have. personal experience#like. while you do face grief due to your identity your suffering is not further added upon due to the fact youre white#you are part of the race that is glorified and portrayed as pure in most medias as well and yet act as if youre more knowledgeable on the#topic of discrimination !!!! LIKE#idk . its so annoying to me . like just listen to mitski and be normal okay?#ITS NOT THAT HARD!!! literally gonna scream#sorry your best american girl . you never deserved this#DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE STRAWBERRY COW THING OMFGGGG#literally strawberry blonde is one of her MOST racially rooted songs if that makes sense#its about how poc/woc specifically will NEVER meet up to the standards the white world puts up for them (what the narrator describes as#strawberry blonde) and how in the end despite knowing its unachievable#you still yearn to adhere to those 'white lines' . you still ache to have a life in their shape#AND FOR SOMEONE TO MAKE IT ABOUT ?? A FARM ANIMAL??#just put a gun to my head atp ICANT DO THIS ANYNMORE
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awawawawawawa
#bunny rambles#i was “cleared” to go back to work yesterday but she told me i could use the rest of the time also if i wanted/needed#and im using it. but the little corporateanxietybot who lives in my head and tries to make me be a Good Worker[tm] is SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF#cause she thinks my boss/Dad is gonna scream at and hit her for being Lazy#this is a trauma post also um. didnt expect to name her rn but she's screaming and i cant scream back cause she sounds like alarms and those#scare crustywhitedog so i have to calm that one so i don't meltdown#my wife submitted the RTW date for me so like. its okay im actually taking the time and ik this is necessary also bc. it is clearly unwell#that its freaking out because it's gotten a more than a 2 day break for the first time in a year#ik corporateanxietybot has protected me in some ways but. i gotta kill her so bad. maybe H can help me reformat her somehow .....#i also hate her is the thing. she cant hear me rn bc she's just looping in circles alarming but anyway. i hate her. like Me. she's so#capitalismcorebootlicker and i hate that about her and i hate that she exists and i hate that she exists bc my dad raised me to be an#Employee instead of a person 🙃🙃🙃🙃#im not elaborating or explaining any of this. this is a diary entry now#i wish i could click her to kill her like the drones in hardcoded lmao it'd be so much easier. ik she like. lives in the work mode mask as#well which is also HARD bc if im not actively thinking Of work or At work she's nonexistent#but shes so LOUD 🙃🙃 like shut up. we're not gonna explode n die from taking an extra week off you're being dramatic our boss isnt Dad#like he LITERALLY isn't Dad. not even close. he's like the most docile man in the world come on ik they're around the same age and both hve#held authority over u but boss checking in wasnt a trap ur not ab to get caught doing wrong ur fiiiiIIIIIIINE#(also corporateanxietybot is not an adult. she's 15 and terrified but she integrated to my work mask which is the problem cause she makes me#a “phenomenal employee” and also makes me work myself sick when she is given the reigns. little devil on my shoulder except the capitalist#system we live under treats her as a positive thing so she gets positive reinforcement at work which only makes her more anxious 😭 i gotta#talk to H about this next Friday huh. also wow. parts work has made it a lot easier for me to acknowledge these behaviors so i can confront#them easier. weird. strange even. so many parts have gotten names this past month n im realizing also why its been so hard to process stuff#but it also has made me kinder to myself. anyway she turned off (her batteries are low since she's been home for a month too) so im gonna#clean myself up and get some food in me and then get some cleaning done
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People really think trust issues are just "aww they're scared of love" and it's like bitch no. Trust issues as in I'm deeply in love and the issue is I'm waiting for you break my heart after undergoing periodic abuse in relationships. I'm not scared of love I'm scared of what you'll do with it.
#ahahahaha anyways. ranty time in the tags wheeee#paranoia has been terrible today. everyones mood is off. everyones acting different. everyones acting colder. they hate me im sure of it#and all this stuff i want to be happy i just know is gonna be ruined or left with tainted memories now and its my fault#but maybe its not because why the fuck cant you be consistent. why is it so touch and go#i support ppl through the worst parts of their lives and when i need the support nobody is there#i will literally take time off work to be with someone if theyre having a hard time but me? cant even afford more than three words#im sick of being told i love you and finding no proof outside empty words. i sure as hell dont feel fucking loved. everyone is lying#it's just like my ex. he smothered me in love to cover up the major lack of actually viable love#empty words make me sick to my stomach now. everyones a fucking liar and i dont get why the wont just tell me the truth!#if im such a burden then just fucking say it! if im horrible to be around tell me! how am i supposed to every grow if nobody tells me#i just wanna be loved and not unconditionally. i want to be loved by choice. i want someone to choose me despite everything#i want someone to love me to every little detail and hold my hand even when im at my lowest and just UNDERSTAND#i want someone to love me wholeheartedly and think about me as much i do them. i want the little gestures and the sweet things i do#but here i am. always the one carrying everything and putting in all the effort. when was the last time someone really liked me.#when was the last time i existed in someone elses head. when was the last time someone cared enough to check on me. to do something?#this savior mentality is gonna kill me but im only being straightforward when i say i cannot pull myself from this alone. i am so weak#and god im fucking tired#spent at least two hours straight sobbing while regressed because even as a kid i cant outrun this#and im just getting sicker. i cant sleep. cant eat. cant stay warm. feel like im slowly fading away#and nobody even cares. its so fucking selfish and childish but my whole life ive screamed for help and nobody has seen me#do i have to become another number in the statistics for you to care? or would you even care when i die?#because at this rate i dont even need to try. my heart hasn't slowed in three days. i think i really am dying#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually traumatized
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i want to add a dreamcatcher song to my fav tt's of all time gif series but the problem is I LITERALLY CANNOT CHOOSE ONE
#mädch rambles#ITS SO HARD i literally love like ...... 90% of all their title tracks equally hahah#like i was gonna do boca but then i forgot about odd and then i was like I CAN'T FORGET SCREAM#phew dreamcatcher does not miss i mean i'm going to have to add all of these tt's at some point i just HAVE to#just don't know which to do first hehe
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it's time to be annoying about masumii and takoshi again :]]]]]]]]
only this time, it's au versions (the base concept is what if they swapped places, but in like a masumii was born to takoshi's parents and takoshi was born to masumii's parents so they had the other's lives and genetics and yada yada you get the point way-)
so here, shitty pen doodles (which are inaccurate actually bc i decided to make masumii's turtleneck sleeveless like she usually has)
more art (from aggies)/inane ramblings under the cut, bc there is A Good Amount and i don't want this post to take up too much space xjdhdjdk-
ok so takoshi first (ft a knife pika drew hurtling towards him which inspired the 2nd doodle fjcnck) and like. this is just takoshi if he had enough time to cope with his trauma and stop relying on his masking tendencies constantly, and therefore he is just A Little Guy. A Little Goober, if you will. silly and goofy and kinda pathetic but very well meaning and kind. i like him :]
...he is still very depressed though don't be fooled, the trauma is Not As Bad Anymore but it still affects him deeply.
and now masumii (ft. a bunch of Little Guys drawn by pika) (i didn't feel like drawing her suit jacket also) who is Significantly More Depressed. unlike takoshi she doesn't even try to pretend she has any light left in her eyes, girl is dead inside and dead serious about everything. also unlike takoshi, she's incredibly competent at running a business, you love to see a girlboss win
the interesting part about this au is that, since takoshi and masumii have what i have begun to refer to in my head as "genderlocked trauma", by switching places they kinda avoid the worst of it (and while i definitely could have just changed stuff slightly to make it still work like in the boy masumii/girl takoshi au that i ALSO have solely bc they would have a very comedic height difference, that kinda feels like it would be cheating in this au and also is boring bc i've already done it-)
emphasis on kinda.
because that doesn't mean they can't have DIFFERENT trauma-
overall though, in broad strokes bc i don't wanna get into the trigger-warning hell that is their backstories, takoshi still has his masking tendencies and struggles with doing things that aren't in line with other's perception of him, even if it's not what he wants to do or how he wants to act (this is where the whole flirty fuckboy act comes from) and masumii still has her general disdain for, well. flirty fuckboys, as well as her general abrasiveness towards people she has a bad impression of (and people in general, though normally she does conceal that one (albeit normal masumii does a better job of this)) and she is still incredibly sensitive about people touching or even seeing her neck, which do still have horrible scars(?) on it in this iteration (i'm not 100% sure scars are the right term but idk what is so)
the most interesting part to me though is how this au changes the way their deep rooted self hatred manifests. for takoshi, he really does hate himself, but he knows that all he does by punishing himself is hurt the people who he cares about, and who care about him in turn. and so even though that is something that just makes him more miserable, which he feels he deserves, he's the kind of person who is willing to do ANYTHING to ensure his loved ones are happy, so... he tries to treat himself kindly, and to let himself be happy even if he feels he doesn't deserve it, for their sake. this contrasts regular takoshi, who has absolutely no one to lean on for support, and has a self hatred so deep that he's on the brink of quite literally losing himself since he is pretending to be someone he isn't literally anytime he's around another person. which is like 95% of the time since he almost always has a girlfriend. he doesn't think he deserves anything, and that since people don't want the real him from him, he should just disappear. it's bleak, he's in a really bad place .
masumii, on the other hand, also really hates herself, but she actively takes it out on herself because she thinks she's a good for nothing disgusting hypocrite who deserves everything she gets. she hardly lets others get close enough to help, both because she feels she doesn't deserve it and also because she's incredibly wary about opening up or being vulnerable. and when she does start to enjoy being around someone, she does all she can to deny and suppress those feelings, because in her mind she doesn't deserve to be happy, and no one would want to be near her if they knew the truth (this is something that takoshi also feels, though to a lesser degree than masumii). this is actually pretty similar to regular masumii, with the main difference being WHAT trauma has brought on those specific feelings and responses. regular masumii has also had a lot more time to process said trauma, but (unlike this au's takoshi) has been unable to raise her opinion of herself at all, simply getting better at hiding it rather than actually healing and slowly starting to get over it (that said, regular masumii is at the very least a bit better about her self hatred than this au's masumii; it's still there and strong, but she can force it down and ignore it atleast partially if need be).
yeah i just. i love these guys so much, they're both such horribly broken people but they're able to find love and joy in each other and help each other heal and man that's just so fucking beautiful. it's not like things get better immediately, it still takes time (hell, corporate hell masumii and takoshi who have been together like 60+ years are STILL struggling with their trauma, and they're comedic relief characters-) but they're able to help each other make it through each day, one at a time, and learning to love themselves in the process.
i fucking love these two terrible straight people, thank you for coming to my ted talk
#masumii (oc)#takoshi (oc)#shook arts#shook doodles#oc shiz#i love them so much aaaaaaa#maybe one day i will write their whole story out but MAN is it gonna be hard to get myself to chare it without literally dying of embarrass#ent#and it would need just. SO MANY trigger warnings-#they need therapy they need it so bad but they're both way too depressed and generally going through it to get it#its ok though. they have each other so they'll be ok in the end#and maybe finally get therapy eventually but probably not#because they both are a little paranoid about people finding out too much about their lives (for very different but also similar reasons(?)#ok im sorry i'll shut up now xjdjjdkd i have brainrot ok let me scream about my blorbos from my mind in peace-
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Channeling all my extrovertedness into my DnD character
#all 0.1 percent#he’s a bard who wants to start the world’s first boy band#I was gonna make him arrogant and self centered#but I felt bad#so now I’m just an idiot who befriends everyone#immediately adopted the first two people who were remotely nice to me#gay panicked hard at my crush#shared strawberry pancakes with a stranger#it's so funny how so far this really does mirror my relationships with my friends#me loving everything that comes out of kiran's mouth#me going along with and vibing hardcore with seraphina like I do w/ saniya#like two peas in a pod#being obsessed with penny is literally just me being obsessed with noa#also you gotta see Lisia and Innocence's designs and story so far ITS INSANE#ENEMIES TO LOVERS (i think) TF#there was a sword under the chin#tried not to scream#also there's a pink dog and I thinks that's pretty amazing#li's dnd adventures
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My ass was trying so hard not to jump up and down with glee playing yttd with my sister and getting to the shin reveal I was like MY GUY MY FUNNY LAD MY SILLY RABBIT
#the klock keeps ticking#yttd#its like i cant get ahead of myself when talking about him cuz theres still a lot not revealed by the end of ch2 but STILLLL#i was keeping my opinions on characters pretty neutral this whole playthrough though my bias towards gin and kai was very apparent lol#and i did start screaming in agony reliving my worst nightmare joe dying#i dont think my sister was nearly as torn up about it as i was though like god ill still never get over it#the first time i played i actually gross sobbed like maybe i was just sleep deprived but i was inconsolable literally never cried that hard#but yeah we did the second main game today and i was like#‘not trying to persuade your vote but heres one million reasons why we should let shin live ahaha’#i dont think she was very happy with her vote aldnks#but yeah i really am gonna be sooo annoying next time we play im literally gonna bring pages of shin analysis with me that i can gush about#it is an interesting thing this character cuz to me like everything about him is so clear like even from the beginning i just didnt buy#the idea that he was genuinely an asshole i knew there had to have been something more going on#and idk if ive made it clear guys…but hes exactly like me guys hes just like me fr#his story hits so hard it feels like my own self insert which is weird cuz obviously thats not true#but like i feel like its either you get it or you dont and if you dont understand exactly what this character feels cuz you feel it yourself#i feel like so much of him just wont make any sense to you#maybe im just being pretentious idk but like if you cant relate to his abuse and just#very blatant bpd then I feel like youll just judge him on how good or badof a person he is#like it just doesnt feel like itd hit in the same way like when i see this character talking about being hopeless and the way his trauma#makes him act irrationally like god it just clicks so hard it makes so much sense and i can physically feel it through the screen#I MAY BE FERAL ABOUT THIS CHARACTER TO AN ABSURD DEGREE SHHH#basically what im getting at is i feel if i dont over explain everything about this character to other people i fear they just Wont Get It#and that they will be judgmental which idk i guess makes me defensive#anyway yeah i just enjoy getting to re experience the spiral this guy has given me and i will be thinking about it a lot tonight
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this tiny mortified storyboard solas is my favorite one i've ever drawn
#how the FUCK am i going to translate this to my regular style#i don't know what this even looks like on a real face#Fucking Mortified#personal log#this comic is gonna suck because i literally cannot write solas but its funny and i need to see him embarrass himself so bad#“ohhh yeah i am so fucking efficient i am going to impress lavellan so hard rn this guy is going to be all better in 0.5 seconds im so sexy#*heals like marcille dunmeshi in front of healer lavellan*#*man experiences the worst pain in his entire life* *sound of wet bones popping* *guttural primal screaming*#“hm. i think i should go now.”#and he only ever healed unconscious people again lmao#he leaves big ole fuckin scars too. he's shit at healing#actually i take it back it's 'oh. no. he asked me to help. this is literally a no win situation for me'#instead of 'hehe im so sexy'#because he knows that the guy he's trying to impress is mr. 'huh. that kinda tingles.' specialized healer#who has only ever seen solas heal unconscious people before#SEE I CAN'T WRITE HIM FOR SHIT#no. no i was right. he's both. version 1 is revved up youngblood solas#then he fucked around and found out that people generally don't like severe pain sounds#dammit i'm an artist not a writer jim#ranting to myself in my own tags. if you're reading this: hi! it feels good to be known
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#ableism tw#(( ooc. ))#venting tw#when i'm in a 'be as ableist as possible ' competition and my opponent is my mil 0_0#i can't drive. its not safe for me to drive. i don't have a license#it's not a good idea for me to get a license atm bc my health issues make it so i would be a risk and danger to myself/others on the road#but trying to explain that to mil doesnt stop her ( and husband ) from making snide little comments about how immature and childish#i am bc i dont drive. how im just lazy bc i 'choose' not to drive. guilting me really hard lately bc there's been some circumstances#that would be easier to deal with if i could also drive... and she made sure i knew that. repeatedly. so did husband#man. the ableism doesn't end. screaming at me and throwing literal tantrums about all the housework not being done to her standards#bc i literally collapsed halfway thru. treating me like shit due to my anxiety disorder and panic attacks. aka acting like i'm just being#'dramatic'... when my ptsd / anxiety are kicking my ass#and husband not having my back with her makes it all the worse. anyway. sorry rant over. gonna get back to writing
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Local girl has to. Go to school. And can only be comfy again at 4pm. Millions injured thousands dead
#day thoughts#ok but for realsies school is actually so bad for me#like when i say its going to kill me im not joking#one way or another school is going to kill me#and i know that#ever since i went back ive just been waiting for the tipping point#because ive been arriving home everyday exhausted out ofmmy mind#and so far ive barely been able to do anything outside of school bc its so fucking#all encompassing#from 7am to 4pm my time is not my own and then from 4pm to 9pm i am recovering#5 of the 7 days are not mine and on those last 2 days like 6 of those hours still arent mine bc of hw#and its killing me dude its gonna fucking kill me#last year was bad but this year im trying and idk whats worse#giving up because the weight of it all is just too much#or fucking shutting up and holding it anyways bc the shame of giving up is too much#and im trying so hard this year but i dont think anythings gonna work#and i wanna just scream i want to fucking scream but i cant i literally fucking cant#bc ive spent the last fucking 3-4 years screaming my goddam lungs out#and it doesnt do shit man#there is absolutely nothing i can do but wait til im an adult bc there is no way to survive this#and i hate that#and i hate that i dotn even have a fucking adult on my side anymore
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DID YOU MISS THE EXAM... Either way I can believe in that superstition for a sec I'm so sorry 😭😭😭
NONO I TOOK IT. BARELY. I BARELY TOOK IT. I JUST THOUGHT CLASS WAS GOING TO BE NORMAL BUT NOPE <3<3<3
#snap chats#ngl cried a lil in classs... mightve scribbled a bit on the page.. which has happened before when taking spanish tests LMAO#the rage and anger i felt... oh to punch a wall like i literally just wanted to leave and scream#and i havent felt that kind of anger in a hot minute it was so ugly LMAOOOO so stupid nothing even majorly bad happened#it just the build up ig.... anyways...#I THOUGHT IT WAS WEDNESDAY CAUS EI HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT TOMORROW#AND ASSIGNMENTS ARE USUALLY DUE THE DAY BEFORE THE EXAM BUT. OK. FUCK ME IG#when i finally stopped being a big ol baby i focused on the questions and they weren't actually too hard so im p sure i did fine#it was just... The Emotional Damage of walking in thinking it was gonna be a chill day after Everythin and its like :) No Exams Today :)#the funnier bit is that i literally asked my professor and then she forgot to give me the exam so i had to ask her for it 🧍♂️#right after asking about the exam 🧍♂️like i know im unremarkable but you JUST spoke to me....#my reputation of being the most invisible man continues..... an ironic title to have but ill take it....#call my ass kellam the way i have to remind people im here <3 fe homies will know what that means and they'll know im right </3#anyway to end the horrible night. Hopefully. i was gonna get milk from the milk dispenser Because We Have Those#and the milk i usually get was empty so i got the second one and the spout was tilted weirdly so the milk just went backwards#so that was fun. to get. and then a guy tried getting chocolate milk after me and Something happened cause he just yelled the f slur LOL#what a day... it's no one's day today apparently.....#anyway Lesson Learned don't fuck with three's. i don't like the number three it always gives me bad vibes...#did i disclose my Unhealthy relationship with numbres.. i prob did lol.. ima wrap this post up now...
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Hi-ya! Sorry in advance for suddenly barging into your personal blog, (I haven't the foggiest notion how tumblr works, help me- ) (Truth is, I am socially awkward worrywart when it comes to socials, so i can't help but give a tinker's damn of how i sound like through speech-so-I SWEAR I AM NOT SOME KINDA CREEP OR SICKO LURKING INTO YOUR ACCOUNT JAKSJQK) Ok after this unuseful twaddle -shooting from the hip-the reason I wrote to you..sooo...I made a tiny eensy-weensy doodle of Lilia (sorry to break it to you- it's not some majestic drawing unfortunately) and...I thought I would show you as a token of appreciation for being the biggest Lilia simp I've ever known🫡 and also I LOVE YOUR CONTENT💋 *faint distinct sound of crowd cheering in the background* ANYHOW here's my homage to you :> (i know its not much but hope you'll like it, im not tryna be an arse-kisser help please)
PLEASE DON’T EVER APOLOGISE FOR SENDING IN ASKS I’M LITERALLY ABOUT TO PASS OUT RIGHT NOW ????????
AUGURHEURHEUSHEIAHEUER DYK THE MOMENT I GOT THIS ASK I WAS JUMPING AROUND IN MY ROOM GIGGLING AND TWIRLING MY HAIR STFU THIS IS SO SWEET I’M GONNA CRY 🥹🤍
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU !!! i love receiving interactions sm and to have u share me a doodle of lilia bcos my world literally revolves around him IS OFD SF FUNTNY TO ME BUT ALSOS SO SI CUTE ????? LIKE YES I AM THE BIGGEST LILIA KISSER EVER 🎪🎪🤹🤹🎢🎢🎠🎠
aLSO YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR LILIA DOODLE’S LITERALLY SO CUTE I SMILE LIKE AN IDIOT WHENEVER I GO INTO MY INBOX BECAUSE HE’S THERE POSING LIKE THE MOST UNSERIOUS PERSON THAT HE IS (AND I LOVE HIM FOR THAT) i’m gonna give u the biggest hug ever TAKE COVER
#I LITERALLY LOVE YOU FOR THIS#I HAVE IT SAVED IN MY ALBUM#BOTH YOUR ASK AND THE LILIA DOODLE !!#GONNA FRAME IT IDC#GIGGLING SO HARD RN#HEURHSUAHE LIEKR YOU THINK OT RNEM#YOU RHINK OF ME?????? ITS SOS SQEET OF YOU OTYJ RODDJ F#dw i’m a socially awkward worry wart too we can overthink together#YOU DON’T COME OFF AS A CREEP AT ALL YOU’RE SO FUNNY AND AND SOUND SO FUN TO HANGOUT WITH ??????? SCREAMS LET’S BE FRIENDS#thank you for loving my content i’m super super glad you like them!! 🎀#ILYSM#inbox.#ALSO IF YOU’RE REALLY UNDURE ABOUT HOW TUMBLR WORKS HOP INTO MY DMs I CAN TEACH YOU IF YOU’D LIKE :D
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work song by hozier
#mely talks music!#txt.post#god this song makes me so insane! i just saw a video on instagram of him singing it and it looked so fun and so nice bcs he was so focused#on the crowd and everyone was singing with him and i would quite literally give all i have ever had for the chance to be in the same space#he said ‘my babys sweet as can be she gives me toothaches just from kissing me’ ????? GIRL i love him omg#‘i just think about my baby im so full of love i could barely eat’ 😭 i could scream about every single line in this song! HE IS SO !!!!!!!!#im going INSANE bcs WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘in the low lamp light i was free heaven and hell were words to me’#GOD I LOVE HOZIER AND I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!!#im gonna shut up but JUST KNOW IM GOING INSANE#(plus its been raining so hard and my lights went out ahdjdjdjdj so i can’t watch stranger things so im listening to music lmao)
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...
#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do?#me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care#but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour#away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from#sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont#care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it#manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean#i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking#measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her#new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted#ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning#for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering#and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself#amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads#god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im#putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do#so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u#productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh#look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment#whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh#but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see#uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs#unrelated
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these last 6 months have really been a full slap in the face medically wise. between fatigue from glandular fever that i can't shake and being diagnosed with a progressive and incurable connective tissue disorder i am doing GREAT
#i literally never say anything on here but fuck me i am not having a good time!!#on one hand its good to know it's not all in my head/It's not that imm just not trying hard enough#on the other hand *starts screaming and crying*#like okay its not gonna kill me but fucking hell its not making Life easy to Live#jack talks
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also being short in the western world is fucking humiliating and not even in a compare your appearance way. its the fucking constant lack of fitting clothing because your proportions are so fucking short because you total up to fucking FIFTY FIVE!!!! 55 inches ONLY
small sized clothing will usually still have 4-5 excess inches for fucking standardization IM NOT THE STANDARD IM A STUPID SHORT ASIAN IMMIGRANT JUST LET ME HAVE SMALLER CLOTHES WITH SOME FUCKING DIGNITY
#this is a very personal problem and i wish i could complain more but i dont have theq energy and all i have are tears#but like i already live thru the embarrassment of asking for help constantly and using stupid ass ladders#cant i at least fucking have some actual short people pants please. please. i have to geqt shit tailored or start doing mods myself but#I SHOULDNT HAVE TO ITS 2023#i literally want to die tonight so i can stop being a burden on my bfs bc i can feel it i can feel how taxing i am and i know i shouldnt be#thinking this but like. i cant stop. i make it hard to be my friend i make it scary to be nice to me all i wnt to do is attack bc im hurtin#but thats not. gonna make me feel better in any way but thats not gonna stop the constsnt impulse in there to just start screaming#and its worse knowing thwt no matter what route is taken ill still get angry. or maybe i just want them to be angry about me already so i#have an excuse to get wngry back and idk. feel catharsis through that or something#idk. i hate my stupid brain and i hate my stupid ex for making me hate it more#im so angry and i have no one who is comfortable enough to deal with that so instead ill sleep earlu @#idk i hate differences they make me fixated on all the ways i can get angry about it so idk how to deal w that#i have so much to compare + i cant say it bc if i do then theyll be conscious abt it/theyll know its smth that just adds .1% to anger meter#ugh i think were hoing to moms this Christmas and while thsts nice i dont. have the emotional capacity to confide in her#i only want my mom. but i cant tell her any of this bc theres nothing that she csn even do#other than just throw money at me for support#i hate this#original#vent
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